# Help and Advice > Coping with Depression >  Hello Everybody

## AAndrea

My name is Andrea and i am 22 years old. I live in London and i rescently gradauted from university with a Law degree. I dont want to be a lawyer. 

I was diagnosed with Moderate depresssion in January this year. 

My family have no idea about my depression diagnosis . My family believe mental illness are for weak people and are very judgmental towards peolple who kill themselves.

Being black mental illnesses are taboo . I find my diagnosis embrassing becausw i never had a hard life . 

I want to know more infornation about moderate deprsssion

What is moderate depression

What is the NHS like with mental health care

I have days where i am nornal and ok but my depression does come back. 

Thanks 

Andrea

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## Suzi

Hi Andrea and welcome to DWD. 
A law degree is very transferable into other options - do you know what it is that you want to do? 
Have you seen your doctor?

ETA: I have deleted your other thread as it was asking the same as this one.  :):

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## Paula

Hi and welcome  :(hi): . Congratulations on completing your law degree! Do you have any idea what you want to do?

Please dont be embarrassed, mental health problems can affect anyone regardless of whether theyve had a hard life or not. If your family dont understand your illness, if you feel able at some point to talk to them about it, ask them to take a look at this website https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/

Edit: 

The NHS website gives a good explanation of what moderate depression is  https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/clinic...sion/symptoms/

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## AAndrea

Hello Everybody

My name is Andrea and i was diagnosed with moderate depression in janaury 2019. Last year i was depressed after my birthday and i considsred sucide becauase i was scared of growing up and i was terrifed of the future .  I still am and i would love to die young . 
These feelings went on for months. I make plans to kill myslef but cant go through with them.

I used to cut myself in my teens

I feel like i am too functional to have depression. I am not sad all the time 

 I do have feelings of worthlessness and wanting to die and feeling like a failure and self dobut but i can still do things but i have work much harder .

Throuhout my final year of univeristy i thought of killing mysrlf and i would break down crying in public but i still managed to hand in assessments and get good grades.

I graduated with a 2.1 degree in law .

I will have days in which i am enjoying life and dont want to die but i wil be depressed again. 

No one in my family have mental illbess and never had a hard life .

This is so humilating 

One the outside people see me as intelligent and pretty but inside i want to die and constantly doubt myself . If you tell me i am pretty or clever i dont believe it at all.

My parents are african and believw only white people get depression. My nan says depression does not exist in africa so why does the west have it

Has anyone experienced this?

Plz share your stories 

I feel so alone that my dspression is not the same as other people

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## Jaquaia

Hi Andrea. I've added a trigger warning as you mention self harming and suicide. It's nothing to worry about, it's just so people can avoid your thread if it would trigger them. 

Can I ask if you were honest with your GP? As it surprises me that frequent suicidal thoughts and self harm was classed as moderate and not severe...

Depression isn't just sadness, sometimes it's anger, sometimes it's despair, sometimes it can be feeling nothing at all. Everyone is different. Also, depression doesn't have to have a reason, sometimes it just happens. You can also have good days, it doesn't mean you're not ill, it's just a good day. Some people can still function pretty well in day to day life with depression too; I can't but my partner can. 

I'm not sure how to tackle the view your parents have as it sounds like a cultural view. Maybe try and find some accounts from African/people of African descent who also suffer from mental illness? I'm not sure. 

You asked for our stories? Briefly, I first got ill when I was at uni but didn't realise. I barely scraped a 2:2. I didn't manage to get onto the teaching course I wanted to do and ended up working as a cleaner for 10 years. I could function at first but it got harder and harder. I ended up in an abusive relationship and started self harming and having frequent suicidal thoughts. That didn't get any better when I left my ex and I ended up having to see a specialist nurse in the secondary mental health service. It turns out that I have severe treatment-resistant depression and severe anxiety and they started me on new meds that aren't perfect, but they let me live a life. I'm now back at uni doing a psychology degree, about to start training to be a counsellor and learning how to drive. A year ago I was barely managing with uni. 

There is a way through if you can get the right treatment.

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## AAndrea

I was diagnosed with moderate based on the scoring .

I was diagnised with just moderate.

I have tested postive twice for moderate depression.

I self harmed in my teens but stopped when things got better.  I never attemptef to kill myself but think of it sometimes

I decided not to tell my family. This is going to stay that way

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## Jaquaia

Telling your family is your decision. 

Can you access counselling to try and work through some of these feelings?

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## AAndrea

Jaquia thank you so much for your reply

I feel like my depression is not real because i function so well most days despite my condition . Iam not sad all the time which is why i worry. 

I have to work more harder . 

I need to hear more stories of people qith depression but are functional or dont fit the sterotype of someone with depression

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## Jaquaia

I'm one of those who sometimes struggles to function and I have days where I'm happy, more so recently. We have had people in the past who have a full time job and people have no idea they have depression. It's known as high-functioning depression. My partner is like that. He role at work is safety-critical and he does a brilliant job, everyone who works with him says that. Yet he has severe depression and anxiety and only recently finished counselling. He looks after his children, works full time and volunteers a couple of days a month. It's a lot more common than you think lovely.

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## AAndrea

Hello 

I was diagnosed with moderate depression in January 2019 and struggling to access therapy on the NHS. 

I am embrassed about my diagnosis.

I never had a hard life. I am a black female

Everyone in my family have more serious problems and out of all of them i get it .

African parents donf recognise depression so talking to my family is not an option.

My famiky think only white people have depression and this does not exist in african nations.

My family laugh at people with mental illnesss.

I hate being a black woman with depression its so embrassing. I wish i was a white woman with depression becsuse a least depression is recognised in the white community 

My family have suppprted me and i end up with this diagnois.

One of my friends who are black . Told me my condition is not real. 

On the outside people see me as intelligent and pretty but i dont.

Currently i am fine but my depression will come back as i have not had treatment

My depression came out of nowhere. I woke up one morning on my 21st birthday  feeling like my life was one big failure and these feelings dragged on for months .  As the months went on these feelings got worse. I would brrak down crying and i lost all my confidence. 

How do you deal with depression if not got a hard life?

Can you be successful with depression like have a career?

Have you ever had depression which appeared out of nowhere.


What exactly is moderate depression?


I am so alone . I am dealing with this on my own because telling my family will make it a million times worse.

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## Paula

Andrea, Ive merged this thread with a previous one as what youve talked about is very similar. Please try not to start new threads unnecessarily. I have left this post as is, however, as Im puzzled by a couple of bits of information. Youve mentioned that talking to your family is not an option, that they laugh at people with mental health issues and you cant tell them, yet you also say that theyve supported you. Do they know about your health? Do they Understand?

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## Suzi

Hi AAndrea. Can I ask where you got your law degree from? It's just my son is about to leave home to go to do a law degree  :O:  
Have you spoken to your Doctor recently? Have they suggested medication or counselling?

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## AAndrea

Paula 
Finaically my family are supportive but when it comes to depression they believe people in the west have nothing to be depressed about.

My family are immigrants from zambia. Life is more harder than in the UK. In Zambia there is no NHS like here , there is no free education in secondary school like here

They think young peope in the UK are just previleged and have nothing to be depressed.

Its very difficult being black with depression.

My family believe depression does not exist.

Being a child of immigrants i am constantly told to be grateful.

Being a black woman with depression it is awful stigma which is hard to explain.

Thats why i cant tell my family

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## AAndrea

Suzi 
My law degree is from st marys uni in twickenham

I dont want to pratice law 

I was recomended to use iapt nhs service which provides a range of therapies.

I am having  trouble accessing it at the minute.

Being black makes it so much harder to talk about my depression. Most people have no idea .

Growing up i was told black women have to be strong. Black families  in general when it comes to sucide, depression , homosexuality, athiesm are very intorelent and close minded.

My mum screamed at me for self harming when i was younger and covered the whole thing. They called me selfish.

My family beleive depression can be prayed away . My one of my closet friends( black girl) believe my condition is not real and only the west have this problem

I wish was dead so i wont have to deal with the stigma anymore.

If i kill myself in the future the reasons will be 
1) the shame of being a black woman with depression
2) not having a boyfriend/husband
3) Not being in a job

I am learning how to use this website 

Sorry for the long posts . 

Thank you so much for all your support

This fourm has helped me. 

I feel so safe and less alone

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## Suzi

Glad you are finding this helpful. It's not just black ethnicities who have that kind of stigma - it's all over the world and with every race/creed/colour.

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## magie06

The thing with depression is, it's not selective. It can happen to anyone, young, old, rich, poor, white, black, male female. It can happen in all societies, but some just ignore the problem and don't talk or acknowledge anyone suffering from it. If you were suffering from a broken leg, would you get help for it? What happens between you and your doctor is private and there is no reason why anyone should know what you are being treated for unless you choose to tell them. 
I was told once that every suicide affects 50 people directly. This was brought home to me just last year because someone close took his own life. It really did affect even more than 50 people, some more than others. If you did anything to yourself, you really aren't taking the pain away, you are just passing it on to others.

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Suzi (22-08-19)

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## Deleted Member

Hi Andrea
Im John. Although I was born in the UK, my parents are both European. We emigrated to Italy when i was just a few years old. I am 55 now (yesterday). 
We went through a nightmare because as kids we had inherited our parents dark skin.
I watched as my older brothers became ill. They are a few years older than me so the illness seemed to leave me alone until I was late into adulthood. I tried to warn my parents that one of my brothers was dangerously ill- I even took him to our GP.
The GP told my parents- they went ballistic saying  "how could they go there now because the doctors think their kids are psychopaths". 
They practically disowned me.
A few years later my brother attempted suicide, failed and then just got on a plane, leaving his wife and kids and headed out to somewhere in the United States.
I have lost all my brothers to the same illness.
I am presently getting help from the NHS- the system is good BUT be prepared to fight for your life.
They are crushed by the overwhelming amount of people on their waiting list.
Put your name down as soon as you can, accept medication.
My belief is that medication alone does not work- you need medication and therapy hand in hand.
The first step is your GP.
I am still along way from being well but I do believe we can all beat this dreadful illness.
Good luck...

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Jaquaia (27-08-19),Suzi (27-08-19)

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## AAndrea

Hello Everybody i hope everyone is good
My name is Andrea and i am 22 years old. Here is my depression journey
Last year may 13th i turned 21 and i woke up on my birthday feeling like my life was one big failure and i felt like my life was over. I felt like a failure because i never had a job , never had a boyfriebd abd kept getting 2.2s . These feelijgs were  really bothing me. 
June- august (summer period) : These feelings continued to drag througght out these months. The feelings made me lose my  confidence. I volunteered as a gateway assessor at a citizens advice in richmond . I was nervous talijg to the clients . This is unusal i because i am a confident person and i find it easy ti talk to people.  I just struggled woth advising the clients. After the placement ended i began to realise i cant handle the world of work . My mum boyfriend moved in  and his spolit brat  son would stay over. The led to arguments in the family. The arugmebtd were based on the fact my sister and i would not play with him. The boy is annoying and he lies a lot which gets other people in trouble .My mum would say hurtful things. It was like she cared about her boyfriend happiness than me.
September- Ocotober: I returned to university . I was not the same. Beofre all this i loved academia , reading and i was confident in my beliefs/ ideas. During these months i began to doubt my ideas, opinions this made it harder for me to focus on my assigments. I felt like whatever i wrote was not good enough. The fear of getting a 2.2 made it worse. Soemtikes i wiild break down crying in public. At this stage i considered sucide becaise i feared growiing up and did not want to deal with it anymore. I talked to my nan and my nan luaged when i was depressed.  Seeing how sucxessful people i went to school with worsened these feelings.
November-Demcember: j was struggling with assigments and i was beloeved i failed everything. The argumrbts with my mum over a her relationship with her bf started becoming exposive. Most days i thought of sucide and planned to kill myself on my next birthday. I was serious about it. I saw death as the only way to escape the pressure. I could not see myself having a future anymore. 
January: Days before my equity and trusts exam i was sucidal and depressed because i believed i was never going to be happy again. During the exam i struggled to answer the questions or give detalied answers. I felt like it was all over i was going to fail my degree. I flipped over the table and stromed out the exam. It felt so liberating. Only tell i calmed down i realksed this is serious. I lied to my family saying the exam went well and they were proud of me
Janury 15: i went to the gp to get a note for my exanauting circumstabce claim. The gp and i talked about my feelings. I filled in a questionnaire . I was diagnaosed with moderste depression. When i was digansed it was a sense of releif because i always knew i was not normal. I was using unicveristy wellbeing serivices and they were supportive and helpful. They helped me better manage my negative thoughts. I lied to my family about my lectured being longer when acualky i was in a conselling session. 
After January The assigments i thought i failed i got a 2.1s in them. I was now on track to get a 2.1 . I was happy. I began to feel my depression was fake because i was experenicing happiness and so functional. 
February -May :During this period i aslo exeprienced feelings of anger, self doubt and just being ashamed of my life in gerneral. I planned to kill mysled after gradauting.  I used all thst shame to motivate me to work harder in my final exams and assignents.
July gradauted with a 2.1 in law . I could not he happy about my own gradaution. I felt gulity for gradauting becaise they were people in my class  who really wanted to gradaute but are going to. My close friend did  not graduate and i fslt she was more deserving than me. 
I went to gp early august they said depression is a not forever diagnois.i wanted them to remove the diagnois of my recoreds. They said they cant.
I am not nornal enough or crazy enough which was why i wanted the diagnois removed.
Currebtly i am not sufferjng any symptoms and feel normal.
Can depression come and go.
I feel so fake.
Mwntal health awarebess campaigns made me feel like my expereince witg depression was not real.

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## Suzi

You don't sound fake to me, I think you need to see a different Dr!

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## AAndrea

Hello everybody 
I hope everyone is well.
I am coming to terms with my depression and have accpeted it will likely come back in the future. Currently i am symptom free.
I have accpetef the fscg i am going go have on/off bouts of depression for the rest of my life.
I would like to know what should i do if my depression comes back.
How did people on this fourm  cope when their depression comes back

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## Jaquaia

Seek treatment.

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## magie06

Straight to my GP. I recognized the symptoms so I sought help immediately.

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## Allalone

Same as Jaq and Magie. Head straight to the GP to seek treatment. I have also asked a close friend to give me a nudge if they can see I’m not so good.

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## Suzi

Absolutely agree straight to your GP.

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## AAndrea

Thanks everyone
The hardest thing about having depression is accepting it and trying to understand it is nothing to be ashamed of. I have accepted the fact i will.have on/off  bouts of depression throughout my life.
I have to come terms with the fact I am not normal enough or weird enough I am just Andrea.
I am just job hunting and trying to deal with post uni life.
I am not enjoying life as a graduate .
My friends all.got lives and every everything going for them. I have nothing going for me .
My closet friend is going to Spain to work as an au pair , my other friends work or doing a masters degree.
Recently I was diagnosed with severe anaemia. I am on iron tablets . The drs did not bring up my depression during a gp  appointment so i was relieved. I was worrying for nothing .

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## OldMike

Hi Andrea, if your depression returns see your doctor ASAP, when I was first hit by depression I didn't know what it is so I struggled on thinking it would pass but it didn't it just got worse now I can spot the signs if my depression worsens and do something about it and the docs is the first step.

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## Jaquaia

A depression diagnosis doesn't necessarily mean it will keep coming back. Medication and talking therapies can help and it's advised to stay on the medication for around 6 months after the symptoms stop. The longer it is left untreated, the higher the chance of relapse. The problem we have in this country is mental health services are grossly understaffed and underfunded so we need to keep fighting to get the help we need. There are other resources available though. See if there is a Recovery College in your area, self-refer to counselling to get on the waiting list, contact your local Mind, see what help they can offer. 

Stop comparing your life to others. People show the aspects of their life that they want to be seen. It doesn't mean that their life is perfect. Can you contact the careers service at your uni and ask to talk about your options? A lot of universities offer support post-graduation.

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## Suzi

Jaq is totally spot on in everything she says!

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## AAndrea

Hello
It's now September normally I would be going back to education but now I am an unemployed. When I was younger I thought I would have an amazing life with job I enjoyed and was capable of doing and in a relationship with a guy who really cares make.
I always knew I want i wanted to do with my life When I graduated from University I was the One with a plan . I was wanted to into diplomatic service or the civil service  and serve my country but brexit made me disillusioned with politics . 
I always know what to do next but now I don't for the first time in my life.
Three years of university and now I am I unemployed and single. 
I don't want to be a lawyer either.
I can't even get a simple retail job. I aplly for retail jobs and hear nothing . 
Despite having a family I am pretty much lonely . All my friends are doing post grad, working or travelling 
I am.22 but I am a.just a stupid little girl in an adult world. 
This is actually my life. Sometimes I wish i.was dead so I won't have to.deal.with this humiliation of not having a job.
I know people have it harder than me.
I will gone for a while but I will come back posting.

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## Suzi

I've added a su trigger warning due to your content. 

It's not something to be humiliated by not having a job... I'm not in paid employment, but it's far from a humiliation! 

Have you spoken to anyone at a careers service?

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## Nick310771

Hey AAndrea that is the plus side of this site - theres lots of us out here that feel the same - it doesnt make it better for you maybe but if you can talk to someone that understands then that can be a help - well it helps me 
Its all relative and its not about people having it harder than you its about you and how you feel - just ask or chat or sound off ...no job today doesnt mean no job tomorrow - you have a degree which is incredible - being single isnt forever and no one on here judges anyway ..
i am now unemployable due to my depression and its a daily battle to come to terms with it but there's still lots you can do in the meantime to keep you busy or get help with CVs, ideas for what you want to do..,.

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Suzi (07-09-19)

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## Dizmo

Hi, 

I'm new to this forum and thought I'd say a quick hello. My name is Stuart however most people online call me Dizmo or Diz. 
Nice to meet you all.  :): 

\o/

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## Suzi

Hi Diz, nice to meet you, why don't you start your own thread so you don't get lost on the end of this one?  :):

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## AAndrea

Hello everybody
I am on the brink of giving up all together and don't know what to do.
I realise I have nothing to offer the world my ideas are stupid and have no value , I lived for 22 years and accomplished and have nothing with my life .I gradauted from university with a 2.1in law  but 50% of the population go.i never been in a relationship . I am  living at home with family ( Mum and Nan) who take of care of me . I feel guilty because my mum is a single parent see . I should be looking after myself self financialy. 
i have never worked in my life how many 22 years do You know never a had a job .It now being reported unemployment is at its lowest level in the UK . Everyone my age  works . In Britain if you don't work you are loser according to the dailymail. Most of the population read the dailymail.
Most people don't  care about mental health. More people would sign a petition banning Donald trump rather than campaigning against NHS waiting lists . 
when I point out the fact time to talk campaigns , mental awareness by celebrities , mental health awareness week are nothing but unhelpful and fake campaigns because the mental health services are inaccessible to be general public.  no one seems to tackling it .Celebrities despite their suffering can still get help easliy in a way the public can not .
When I point Out the fact the system is the problem . The health care system.is broken due poor decisions made by poltiocians. Social institutions  does more to exclude people with mental health problems from participating in life . We see it with driving and the DVLA  , universities with their discriminatory fitness to sit policies 
I point these things out I get criticised. No one shared my frustation.
What good I am to.anyone 
I am not a wife or girlfriend to someone
I am not an employee
I am not normal enough or crazy enough
I am nothing but a stupid little girl.
I always wanted a career in the civil.service or local.Government. Brexit and while handling of it has me disillusioned with politics and our political system all together.
 . I wanted.a career in helping people.
I volunteered as a gateway assessor in the citizens advice during university but it was terrible experience. The whole thing made me never want to work.with people again. 
The whole thing me realise made me relalise I just useless.

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## magie06

Please take a deep breath. 
I didn't meet my husband until I was 28, I don't work, I didn't have my daughter until I was 38 and the mental health system here is ten times worse than the NHS.  
Life is not a race. You will get there when you get there. Just look at those so called celebrities. You don't know what goes on behind their closed doors. They may seem to have it all, but they have problems just like everyone else. 
Please stop comparing yourself to everyone else. You are you and unique. In the 7 billion people in the world there is only one you. Why blend in when you were made to stand out?

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OldMike (10-09-19),Suzi (11-09-19)

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## Suzi

You are far from useless. Have you spoken to your doctor or a helpline etc and actually got some medical help? 

There are so many options open to you. What about speaking to a careers advisor etc?

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## OldMike

Brilliant post Magie  :(nod): 

Andrea I lived with my parents till my mid 50's and after they died I ended up living alone but hey nothing wrong with that and you are far from useless you got a law degree and are far from stupid, your posts are very articulate. I'll echo what Suzi said you should make an appointment to see your GP.

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Suzi (11-09-19)

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## Tommy_85

Andrea you might be very disillusioned with life at the moment but things will turn around. You seem a very kind, thoughtful woman. Don't compare yourself to others
you are unique. 22 is the start of your life (relatively speaking) I myself suffer with depression and despair about my life and the thing that keeps me going is knowing I am not alone 
in how I feel, nor are you. Sending all my Love x

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Suzi (11-09-19)

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## AAndrea

Thanks Tommy_85. 
People say i am young but it does not feel that way. I feel like it is all over .
 University/academia was my life . I loved being in a deep learning environment but  i  dont feel like doing a masters degree.
My closet friend from university is in spain working as an au pair and wont be back until december.  My other frieds are working or doing a masters.
My uni careers serivce is not that helpful i have been during univeristy. They sit and show you the prospects website or say get an internship. I have taken thier all thier leaflets 
I feel like i have nothing to live for.
No job , no boyfriend , most days i am just a home . 
Everyday was the same wake up, watch tv or job seech or if it thrusday i have my driving lessobs . I have no purpose anymore .
I smile but deep down i want to die . 
I have failed to be a real adult it so humilating . I should be working , in a relationship .
I feel gulity not having responsiblites. I feel gulity for beijg taken care of by my family.
My nan says i should not but i do.

Thanks for your response magie06 it has helped. I feel like i am under all this pressure to get it right. I put myself under a lot of pressure i wished i did not but this is something i cant control
We are always told go to school, go to university , get a job and married and then you pass away
I feel i should be working immeditaly and feel gulity the fact that i am not.
In the eyes of the law i am an adult but emotionally i am immautre. I realise i am just a stupid little girl.
Coming from a single parent it just makes it worse.  Finincally we are not struggling as a family but still feel gulity though.
I feel like am embrasment to my family.
They say thrre proud but come on.
I smile everyday but deep down i want to die as the future absoulety terrifies me.
Sometines i feel like indont deserve life .
I wish i was not this way.

Hey Suzi i am currently preparing to apply to a gradaute scheme
I plan to apply  for the september 2020 intake the NHS managment gradaute scheme for  the HR role . Appplications fpr the september 2020 intake open in ocober .
I have made long list for grad schemes i like  to apply and losted thier deadlines.
Everyday is just the same wake up take iron tablets watch tv or job seearch. 
My closet friend from university is spain working as au apair . I feel like have nothing to live for.
I feel like is my life now . I feel like everthing is over.
My family ( Mum nan younger sister) are suppprtivie and finically stable.
I feel gulity .
I should be working becuse i am an age i am supposed to be working
Coming from a single parent home you learn to keep thinfs to yourself as your mum has it tough enough . I feel gulity not having my own income . My nan says i should never feel gulity but i do.
I smile when i  am at home but deep down i want to die. 
All gps do  tell me to make referal to iapt. Iapt dont deal with sucidal people it says so on thier website . 
I watched bbc last night and they were talking about how antidepressants are addictive .
I am bit worried about being prescribed.
My nan laughs at people on anti depressants .
I am tired of living but i have not got the strengh to kill myself.

Thanks everybody for the thier response. I appreicate it .
I am aware there people worse off than i am but i just cant stop feeling like a failure.
No NHS therpaist will take ny feelings seriously. 
I am not nornal enough becuase of my persistent sadnsss i have but not a typical person with deprssion. We are told people with depression have messed up lives. My life is not messed up. My depression came out of nowhere literally.
On the outside i am happy but deep down i want is to vanish like forever . I fubction so well. 
I feel like i am disapperaing .
My biggest fear about ageing is am going to lose my quirkly personality, my strident feminist attitude and passion for equality .
I fear i will become boring or worse a wage slave in his hierachal capitialist society .

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## Jaquaia

The only way things will change will be if you do something to change it. I know that potentially sounds harsh and unhelpful but it's true. Therapists WILL take your feelings seriously, if not, they have no business being a therapist. If you're suicidal then you need to push for help and contact your local crisis team if you need to. What have you got to lose by trying therapy? It will help you work through the thoughts in your head and find coping mechanisms. Constantly calling yourself a failure and stupid will not help as all you are doing is reinforcing the negative view you have of yourself. You are barely a quarter of the way through your life according to the average life expectancy of the UK. Your life is far from over, you have potentially 40+ years to work, longer to study or travel. I'm 35 and have only just found the courage to do what I want to do. I only decided on what I really wanted to do a couple of years ago. It will take me until I'm nearly 40 to qualify yet I will have a good 25 years to practice. My life isn't over, nowhere does it say that you must know what you're doing and be doing it by the time you finish uni. 

It's also worth realising that normal is a social construct and that it is a fallacy that people with depression have messed up lives. A lot of people have events that caused their depression, trauma or bereavement or stress for example, but it doesn't make their lives messed up and it's not always the case. Sometimes depression just is.

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Suzi (11-09-19)

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## Suzi

I completely agree with Jaq!
I have a degree, a husband, 3 children and 3 dogs. I'm not working, I do this voluntarily and am about to start training for another volunteer role. I won't be able to teach again realistically due to my illnesses, and that sucks as I adore teaching, but I have to do what I can and where I can. It doesn't make me stupid or any less valuable in society at all because of it. You need to find a way to changing your thought processes. 
I'll also add that some of the meds I take daily are horrible and I hate them, but I hate them less than I hate life without them. Sometimes you have to take the meds to help..... or counselling or psych or call a helpline or the crisis line - there are so many options, you just need to take them.

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## AAndrea

Jaquauia your story is really interesting. I have looked at local crisis team . 
My local crisis team is  Barnet Crisis Resolution and Home teatment.
They can be contacted 24 hours a day.  They offer short term intensive home treatment for people with a mental health crisis
This is not going to work.
Home vist is no no 
I am hiding my mental illness from my family. I have to.

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## Jaquaia

Then your options are counselling, medication, support groups, or both. Things won't get better if you don't change something.

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## AAndrea

Jaquaia true

 I sometimes feel like I am being punished . When I was younger I used to think people who killed themselves especially if they were parent with a younger  child were selfish .
In secondary school I once said in a class mothers with postnatal depression should not be allowed to have more children. I had to apologise for my remarks as one girl in my class mum had the condition.
Maybe I deserve my depression diagnosis. For me this karma .

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## Suzi

No one deserves mental health or physical health conditions. 
I've had pnd with each of my babies... 

Is there no way that you can talk to your family about being ill? Maybe they'll surprise you?

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## Jaquaia

They were uneducated comments from a child with very little experience of the world. It really is as simple as that. A lot of people think suicide is selfish as they don't understand. There is no punishment, just being ill. Depression can be caused by trauma, bereavement, illness, hormones, chemical imbalances... so many reasons but not punishment. You are ill and you will not get better unless you allow yourself to get treatment. You just need to decide what treatment you want. Some people just go for counselling, some just for medication, some for a combination of both. Moderate to severe depression, the recommended treatment is therapy and meds. 

If you try the medication route, it's important to remember that they take 4-6 weeks to start working and the same with each dosage change, side effects can last up to 2 weeks, sometimes it takes trying a few different ones to find one that works, and there are around 21 different licensed ADs and other psychiatric drugs they can try. Above all, your GP legally cannot discuss your medication with your family as they would be breaking patient confidentiality. 

If you try the therapy route, the main types used are counselling (talking therapy) and CBT. Counselling helps you work through things, the counsellor shouldn't give advice, but instead guide you as you work through things. CBT works on changing behaviours. You may be offered one or the other, or even integrated therapy, which is both. Again, therapists are bound by client confidentiality and can only contact others, and then I think it's only the police or your GP, if they think you're a danger to yourself or others. If they did otherwise they would be struck off. 

Mind sometimes run groups. You could contact them and see what help they offer, it would also get you out of the house and maybe start breaking the cycle you're stuck in. Look at meditation too.

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## AAndrea

I can't talk to my family under any circumstances whatsoever.
When I self harmed when I was 16 My mum screamed at me calling me selfish and attention seeking . My mum was buying creams to.cover my screams and told me to cover arm during pe because she did not want the school calling social services . She refused for me get counselling or any help . The main reason I was self harming was because I was resisting my maths gcse for the third time . At the time there was requirement that you needed a C if you wanted to do anything. People were making fun of me for resisitng. 
My nan laughs at people with Depression. I remember at my graduation ceremony there was a student who is amputee with a rare illness  telling us his life story and him graduating. At the end of graduation ceremony on the way home my mum boyfriend talked out how inspirational he was .My nan agreed and then said  people who are depressed and take antidepressants are pathetic.
Being black with depression is a taboo . I have grown up with the most toxic attitudes regarding mental health in my family . My family believe if you kill yourself you burn in hell. 
Does that look like a family you could tell about your MH.

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## Suzi

Then you have to find another way to get the help. Could you go to a mind meeting or something?

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## magie06

To be honest, my whole outlook on life changed when I had my breakdown. Before I was only out for myself, but I worried about what everyone thought about me. I've realised since, that the only person people worry about is themselves. 
I can't work ever again. Therefore, I now volunteer in a school, one morning a week, and I've actually never been happier. I was never this happy when I had to work. 
Maybe volunteering somewhere would get you out of the house, and make you feel useful again.

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Suzi (12-09-19)

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## AAndrea

Magie06 sorry about your breakdown. I am glad you found happiness in your life.
I know this sound stupid but the boy i used to like to in secondary school i found out recently he  so successful in terms of career he works in suveying and he has a girlfriend who he has been dating since school.  This guy always knew he i liked him and we were friends. It never worked out.
He is so smart, shares the same birthday as me and he was really cute.
 I feel like i am never going to met anyone like him ever.
I always wonder what my life would have been like if we were together.

Thank you everybody . This has really helped .

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## Suzi

Glad it's helped... But take it from me, you aren't the same person you were in school and he won't be either....

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## AAndrea

I am going to develop a routine which will get me out of the house more and i am going to try again with iapt . 
I know where my local iapt branch is and i am going to try a different method of referral. My local iapt referrals can be made on the phone or in person.
I know the next 3 months i am going to lose it . 
My mental health has worsened  after graduating university. I was diagnosed in january with depression then after may or so i expereinced no systems of depression up to August. 
Now its setempber i am just depressed and hate my life. I am pratically ashamed of my life.
I hate post uni life . I hate really hate it. 
Adults particualry people in thier 30s /50s forget whats it like to be my age.  If adults remebered they would not be  saying like oh  welcome to the real world .
People say i am lucky to be a gradaute.
I hate being a graduate . 
I dont regret studying law . I dont want be a lawyer . 
I am just applying for  gradaute schemes the ones i really like.

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## Suzi

Can I ask why you haven't chosen to do something like a Masters? 
What kind of graduate schemes are you applying for?

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## AAndrea

I dont feel like studying at the minute . The stress from thrid year   i dont want to another degree not for a while.A masters is so much work.  If you drop out of a masters degree and then reapply to do another one you will be denied student fiance. I worry if i do a masters next year i will end up dropping out. I dont think i am clever enough for a masters.
 I want to do something different.
The graduate schemes i am applying for 
The NHS managmanet scheme for september 2020 and applicafions for septemeber open in october. I am applying for the HR role. There is a company called gist which also has gradaute scheme in hr.
I am waiting for the fianical conduct authority to open thier applications in october.
I am just keeping an open mind.

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## Suzi

Is HR an area you want to work in? Not corporate law or something?

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