# Help and Advice > Coping with Depression >  Loneliness *SU Trigger*

## Strugglingmum

So this time last week I was in hospital following another overdose. I'm home and doing ok. 
I live with my hubby and 3 teens. I just feel so so alone all the time. I have been battling depression for 3 years and I confess that I do tend to isolate a  lot and hold people at arms length. I have lost a lot of friends over the past 2 years and I know its my fault. I find loneliness so overwhelming at times that I can get hopeless. 
Does anyone have any tips on how to let down the defences?? How to trust people with how I feel, how my thoughts work? Basically how do I trust people who dont understand my illness to be able to cope with me

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## CaterpillarGirl

It's such a difficult thing to do, to be honest the first time I was open about my depression I was drunk and confessed to my next door neighbour, she didn't really understand but she tried to hard to and was so understanding that it made it easier for me to open up to others (not that I'm saying you should get drunk and tell people, more that even though it's hard it feels good to open up and once you've told one person it is so much easier to be open with others too)

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## CaterpillarGirl

Sorry I don't know how to edit my post but I meant to put *tried so hard to*

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Strugglingmum (06-08-18)

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## Suzi

I've added a *SU Trigger warning* just to alert other members that this thread discusses suicide. It's nothing to worry about, but other members may find it triggering for their own journey. 

I'm glad you're home and your attempt wasn't completed. You can do this, you can get through this. 
Are you in touch with the crisis team at all? What kind of support do you have? 
As to social things, I've found being here on this forum brilliantly social. I've got to know so many wonderful people and then from here you can branch out maybe looking at your local Mind groups or a recovery college... Step by step lovely...

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## Sissy

I just want to tell you how happy I am you are home, safe and sound. Depression is abit like having a huge ugly monster following you everywhere, but only you can see it. However, everyone else can see how it affects you. It scares everyone away, and you feel so alone with the monster. Telling about it to others is scary, but the ones that really matter will listen, and try to understand, and somehow it makes the monster shrink abit. There begins to eventually be room even if it is around, and recovering can really start. Don't give up. Let us try to help you. You probably knew this already, but talking about things like this helps us as well. We are taking this worst classtrip ever together, one that none of us had signed for. Some of us are in the group, some of us accompaning the travellers. But we can get through this, together. Even it feels so, you are not alone, you are important, and you do matter. And People do care. Maybe we here can kelp you kick that monsters booty.

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Jaquaia (07-08-18),magie06 (07-08-18),OldMike (07-08-18),Paula (07-08-18),Strugglingmum (07-08-18),Suzi (07-08-18)

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## Paula

Awesome post Sissy!

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Sissy (07-08-18),Strugglingmum (07-08-18)

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## Strugglingmum

Thank you everyone. Yes I have good medical support and am really lucky and blessed with the input I have. Most people around me know of my illness and my struggle but there are very few (none) who understand. They think I should be better by now and really I'm just being selfish and not trying hard enough and treating my husband and kids terribly....... I guess I need new friends  
So shoulders Back, chin up  try again another day. Xx
Thank you for the support. I really feel like people here understand. Xx

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## Sissy

No one can know exactly how you feel, but wey do understand how badly it cripples you emotionally and socially. Unless you have lived with it, you can not see how bottomless pit it feels like. But the bottom is there, and you can climb back up.

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magie06 (07-08-18),Strugglingmum (07-08-18),Suzi (07-08-18)

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## Suzi

Sissy, those posts are brilliant! 

StrugglingMum- hunni, you will get new friends being here - I know I have. Even though things are tough right now, you can get through this and you can do it completely and utterly!

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Strugglingmum (07-08-18)

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## Strugglingmum

Have been rereading my original post and realise even though I've been trying to make life as normal as possible my mood is still in the pits. Exhaustion really takingbovr
Dr.

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## Suzi

What things can you do that lift your mood to see if that helps?

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Strugglingmum (18-08-18)

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## CaterpillarGirl

I know exactly how you feel, I thought getting out and about and doing things would make me feel better, and in a way it does, I still get home and want to curl up into a ball and cry though, I'm hoping these tablets I'm on will start helping soon. I hope you're feeling better today, you're doing amazingly well even if it doesn't always feel like it  :):

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Strugglingmum (18-08-18)

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## Strugglingmum

I'm still really struggling today. I've been walking, doing laundry, doing crafty stuff and trying all the usual stuff. See the home treatment team tomorrow so aim at the moment is to try and stay safe til then.

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## Suzi

When are you seeing the HT team? (Is that like the crisis team?) How are you today?

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## Paula

How are you doing, lovely?

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## Strugglingmum

Hi Paula and Suzi. Saw the team today and talked thru a lot of stuff. They are like an intensive team who can see you at home or clinic every day if needs be and be in contact by phone up until 8pm.  They are a big support when you are feeling vulnerable. I slept better last night which helped mood slightly. Still very low but feeling a bit safer. Thank you both for checking up on me. I've no one else that does that. It means so much. My hubby is taking me away for a couple of nights tomorrow to try a change of air and a more relaxing atmosphere to see if helps thru next couple of days.

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## Paula

Im glad you got some sleep  :(bear): . Wheres hubby taking you?

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## Suzi

OO where are you going?

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## CaterpillarGirl

I hope you have a wonderful relaxing time, enjoy  :):

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Strugglingmum (20-08-18)

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## Strugglingmum

Thanks all. We are in a hotel in South Ireland. Small town. Just chilling and I'm working hard at relaxing!!

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## Suzi

Southern Ireland looks beautiful! Our own Magie is from around those parts  :O:

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## magie06

Oooh, what part? When are you coming? I'll make sure to have the red carpet ready for your arrival date.

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## Strugglingmum

Lol. Been there didn't buy a t shirt but did relax for a couple of days. We were just over the border in Co. Monaghan.  We live Co. Down so not too far from home but far enough to try and distress. Back home today.

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## Suzi

Glad you managed to relax even a little...

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Strugglingmum (22-08-18)

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## CaterpillarGirl

How is everything going? Do you feel better after your trip?

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Strugglingmum (23-08-18)

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## Strugglingmum

It was nice while it lasted but as we drove home I could feel my anxiety and agitation just soaring again. Really down today even with my daughter's fab results but trying to tell myself it's just post holiday blues.

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## CaterpillarGirl

Yeah I always suffer with post holiday blues, last time I went away I was back in work the same day I came back! Hope you feel better soon  :):

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Strugglingmum (24-08-18)

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## Suzi

Have you told those around you how you are feeling?

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Strugglingmum (24-08-18)

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## Strugglingmum

I was with my team yesterday so they have seen for themselves where I am. Nobody tells you how tiring it is fighting to just exist. Could just go hide in my bed for a week.

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## Paula

:Panda:  are you landing on resting this weekend?

*planning

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## Strugglingmum

I have absolutely no plans. Well none of the good kind. Feeling so low. May need to contact my team again tomorrow.

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## Paula

Can you not contact them tonight, lovely?

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## Strugglingmum

I'm just going to go to bed. Safe there. Thanks

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## Paula

Ok hunni, is there anyone with you atm?

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## Strugglingmum

Yeah. I'm home with my hubby and boys. Taken a sleeping tablet and hopefully going to sleep. X

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## Paula

I hope you get some shuteye.  Take care, sweetie, youre important

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## Paula

How are you this monrning, sweetie, how was your night?

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Strugglingmum (25-08-18)

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## CaterpillarGirl

Hope you're feeling better today, I'm sorry you're going through this, it will get better  :):

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Strugglingmum (25-08-18)

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## Suzi

Just wanted to leave you this  :Panda: . Hope today is even a little brighter for you...

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Strugglingmum (25-08-18)

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## Strugglingmum

Thanks. I slept not bad. Low today but not having just as hard a battle in my head to stay safe.

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## Paula

Youre doing brilliantly  :Panda:

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## Suzi

Glad things are not as hard today... Remind me when was the last time you saw your Dr? Are you taking any meds?

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## Strugglingmum

Yes i'm currently titrating up my venlafaxine after a disastrous trial on citalopram. Currently on 75mg but was on 300mg before trial of citalopram. Up to 150mg on Monday. Saw psychiatric nurse on Thursday. Appt on Tuesday again.

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## Suzi

I'm glad you've got regular appointments. Don't be afraid to use things like the Samaritans if you need to....

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Strugglingmum (26-08-18)

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## Paula

Changing over meds is so hard so please be kind to yourself  :(bear):

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Strugglingmum (26-08-18)

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## Strugglingmum

Just out of hospital this afternoon following another overdose. 
Only a month since my last one. I think I'm getting worse not better. Someone please tell me it's going to get better

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## Suzi

Oh sweetheart, why didn't you come and talk to us? 
How long have you been in hospital? Are you going to be seen by the crisis team?

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Strugglingmum (31-08-18)

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## Paula

:Panda:

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Strugglingmum (31-08-18)

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## OldMike

Oh love as Suzi said if things get tough post on here it really helps.  :(bear):   :Panda:

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Strugglingmum (31-08-18)

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## Strugglingmum

I was in 3 days until I was medically fit. Then seen by crisis team and discharged home with appointment for next week. I just feel so alone and unsafe which I know is stupid cos I'm home with my husband and kids but inside is so empty

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## Paula

Oh lovely, you are so important, I wish you could see that  :(bear):

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Strugglingmum (31-08-18)

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## Suzi

Hey lovely, can you use things like the Samaritans to help stop you from doing anything? Does your husband and your medical team know that you are feeling unsafe? 
Sweetheart you need to remember that you're still transitioning from one med to another, it's going to be hard for a while, but IT WILL PASS..

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OldMike (01-09-18)

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## Strugglingmum

I feel like I'm in freefall. It's scary yet part of me just wants to crash land because then the fear of falling will be over. They took all my stockpile of tablets and I live in the middle of nowhere so I can't get out to buy more. Running out in front of a bus is looking very attractive. My husband is aware of how low I feel. My medical team just keep telling me I'm strong ill get through this but I feel anything but strong. I just want to curl up in a ball and it call be over

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## Paula

:Panda:  how are you doing? Did you get any sleep?

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Strugglingmum (01-09-18)

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## Suzi

Keeping fighting this is something you can do.... I'm really glad you've been talking this through with your husband hunni. Do you have any chance to rest and be kind to yourself today?

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Strugglingmum (01-09-18)

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## OldMike

Keep fighting you WILL get through this and remember the Samaritans are at the end of the phone if you need someone to talk to. I'm glad you've talked things over with your husband.  :(bear):

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Strugglingmum (01-09-18)

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## CaterpillarGirl

I hope you're doing OK today, I know exactly how you're feeling and how scary it can be, it does feel like it will never end but believe me it does end and you will get better  :Panda:

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Strugglingmum (01-09-18)

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## Strugglingmum

Thank you all. I got a bit of sleep. I was so tired from the hospital.  I've 2 loads of washing done, tea on the go and the dog taken to the beach for a walk. I'm functioning on autopilot.  So so emotionless and detached and numb. Is this how life feels from now on

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## Paula

No, sweetheart, this may be how life is now, but not from now on. There is ALWAYS a way through  :Panda:

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Strugglingmum (01-09-18)

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## Suzi

I'm with Paula. Love being in hospital is exhausting, coming home from hospital is even more exhausting. Sweetheart you are doing an awful lot for someone who is needing to focus on themselves and getting through the day safely, rather than being responsible for the cooking, cleaning, washing etc Someone else can pick up those tasks. If right now all you can do is binge watch tv series snuggled in a duvet, then that's what you need to do. You need to just "be" right now. Maybe getting up and having a shower and putting on clean pj's is enough...  Don't try to be superwoman love or you won't be giving yourself the space and kindness to get through this....

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Strugglingmum (01-09-18)

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## Strugglingmum

I just don't know how to do that Suzi. When my body stops moving my brain hits hyperspeed and fires everything at me quicker than I can process anything. When I keep busy physically it dulls the blue in my head

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## Suzi

Can you try focussing on something different? Reading a book or watching a series...

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## Strugglingmum

I'm trying I promise.

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## Suzi

I'm sure you are hunni....  :Panda: 

Fighting with your own thoughts is horrifically hard. You need to allow you time to just be kind to you - have a long bath, read a book, have a lie in, go for a walk etc....

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## Paula

Morning sweetie, how are you? Are you going to take it easy today?

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## Suzi

Hey hunni, how was last night? Did you get any sleep?

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## Strugglingmum

I slept a bit better. Phoned my health care team today as I was really struggling with my thoughts. They helped me divert for a while. Finding it hard on my own but I'm trying. I've overdosed so many times and it doesn't work. I seem to be indestructible.  My brain is firing lots of different directions trying to think of other ways I could be successful. It's exhausting trying to stop it or get drawn down that direction

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## Suzi

It's tough to fight against your own thoughts lovely, try to be kind to you. Have you got any hobbies you can use to help distract you?  I'm so glad you called the health care team... Don't be afraid to do it again...

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Strugglingmum (02-09-18)

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## Paula

:Panda:  I know its exhausting, love, but you _are_ getting through - it may be minute by minute but if thats what it takes ...... are you talking to your family?

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Strugglingmum (02-09-18)

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## Strugglingmum

I can talk to my husband although I hate to worry him. I've made it through another day and have not actively self harmed in any way. Thank you for your support. X

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## Paula

If your husband is anything like mine, hed much rather you worry him than bottled it all up. He knows your thoughts, lovely, so talking it through and being comforted by him is not going to change that.

Did you sleep?

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## Suzi

Well done for not harming yesterday! That's great! Definitely talk to your husband. It's not "worry" is "support" and how can he be there for you if he doesn't know that you are struggling?

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## Strugglingmum

Thanks. I slept a bit better last  night and was able to be up and kids out to school. Tea in the slow cooker washing on the line been to the shop. I seem to cope better when I keep very busy, only problem is I get tired so easily. Going to see if I can manage to pick up my crochet today and try to do a bit. My hands seem to freeze as if I don't know what to do or I'm scared of it or something. Same with knitting.

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## Suzi

Wow you've done loads today! How old are your children? Did they get off to school OK? 
I always find with crochet that when things are tough, sticking to a simple granny square idea is often best. Means I achieve something, but it's simple enough that I don't have to concentrate too much itms?

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Strugglingmum (03-09-18)

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## Strugglingmum

Good idea. I had started a top for myself and have the front and back done but do need to concentrate on the pattern for the sleeves. A simple granny square baby blanket might be the way to go. Same with my knitting. I have a beautiful Aran sweater waiting 2 years to be finished since I got sick. Can't concentrate on the pattern.

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## Paula

Youre doing awesomely today  :):

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Strugglingmum (03-09-18)

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## Suzi

How'd it go this afternoon love? I love Granny square blankets! You can make them as big as you want or as complicated or with as many squares as you want/need!

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## Strugglingmum

Awk I haven't settled to the crochet yet. I did attempt Mike's quiz mind you. Not a threat to princess sparkles in any way but it did entertain my mind for a while. I also phoned my team when I was really struggling for a while. Motivation way down the list. I'm hiding in bed at the moment.

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## OldMike

> Awk I haven't settled to the crochet yet. I did attempt Mike's quiz mind you. Not a threat to princess sparkles in any way but it did entertain my mind for a while. I also phoned my team when I was really struggling for a while. Motivation way down the list. I'm hiding in bed at the moment.


The main thing is you had fun doing the quiz, Princess Sparkles has 2 wins but with five entrants anything can happen.

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Strugglingmum (03-09-18)

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## Suzi

Definitely good that you enjoyed the quiz! And you involved your team too! That's also an added positive! 
So proud of you!

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Strugglingmum (04-09-18)

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## Strugglingmum

Went to my training centre today and completed my basic computer training. I'm starting the more advanced course next lesson. Also taught another student how to make pastry in the training kitchen. Was a good day. Came home cooked tea for the family and then snuggled with the hubby in front of the telly. Been a much better day. Today I'm glad I'm still here.

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## Paula

Thats a fab post  :):

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Strugglingmum (05-09-18)

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## Suzi

That is an amazing post! Maybe you could print it out - highlighting the last 6 words.... 

Hope you slept well.

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Strugglingmum (05-09-18)

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## CaterpillarGirl

So glad you had a good day yesterday, I hope things continue that way for you  :):

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## CaterpillarGirl

How are you feeling today? Hope you are still doing well

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Strugglingmum (13-09-18)

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## Strugglingmum

Home from hospital 2 weeks today after last overdose. Doing better. Absolutely no misuse of medication at all. Keeping on keeping on. X
Thanks for the support on here.

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## Paula

Youre doing brilliantly! You should be so proud of yourself  :):

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## Strugglingmum

Thank you Paula. X

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## Suzi

That really is something worth celebrating! Well done lovely!

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Strugglingmum (14-09-18)

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## CaterpillarGirl

Sounds really positive, keep up the good work  :):  you're doing great

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Strugglingmum (14-09-18)

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## Suzi

Hi lovely, how are you?

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## Strugglingmum

Antidepressants increased today. Hoping the improvement continues with the increased dose. Continuing to keep winning the battle against suicidal thoughts. Over 2 weeks now since last overdose. I actually don't feel as certain about wanting to die. I'm feeling a glimmer of hope. 22 years married last week. Thinking about wanting to be around for the next 22. My hubby deserves to have me fight for our future like he has fought for us since I have been ill.

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OldMike (15-09-18)

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## Jaquaia

That sounds really positive!

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Strugglingmum (14-09-18)

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## Suzi

That's an amazing post!!

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Strugglingmum (14-09-18)

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## Paula

I cant say it enough - youre awesome!

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Strugglingmum (14-09-18)

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## Arty

Well done, you are doing brilliantly. It sounds like your husband is a great support to you too  :):

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## CaterpillarGirl

I'm so glad things are getting better for you, you're doing so amazingly you should be really proud of yourself  :):

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## Strugglingmum

Been struggling so much over past week or so. Wish my upwards journey could keep going the one direction  for just a little while. This roller coaster is exhausting with its ups and downs

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## Jaquaia

It is. And it's irritating as hell and disheartening when you feel like you've taken a couple of steps back, but it doesn't last lovely. It's never a straight journey, I wish it was, but you've seen you can have good days and achieve a lot. You can always come here and talk to us when you're not doing so good  :Panda:

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Strugglingmum (30-09-18)

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## Paula

Hey, just leaving this here  :Panda:

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Strugglingmum (30-09-18)

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## Suzi

If you were struggling, why didn't you come and talk to us? Maybe we could have helped - at least by being there and understanding...

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Strugglingmum (30-09-18)

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## Strugglingmum

I know. I'm sorry. I'm so guilty of isolating when things are tough.

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## Jaquaia

I think we all do that at times, I'm guilty of it myself.

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Strugglingmum (30-09-18)

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## Suzi

No need to be sorry at all lovely! As Jaq says, we all do that... Even when I'm here and if things are hard then the team know as I don't talk about it and then post explaining what's happening and they always say "so why didn't you talk about it?" They're right and what I preach is right - talking DOES help... It's hard to do though at times.

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## Paula

Me too  :(bear):

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## OldMike

I'm the same I isolate myself when I'm not feeling good, it seems to come with the territory, as the others say talking does help.

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## Strugglingmum

I have a family wedding on Saturday and what should be a wonderful day is stressing me so much. Yesterday was the anniversary of my mums death and last Thursday would have been her birthday. Its just all overwhelming. 
Due to him adversely affecting my mental health I haven't seen or spoken to my father since June. he will of course be at the wedding and I'm dreading it plus carrying guilt because I haven't been in touch with him. I feel like a big ball of anxiety and dread.

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## Jaquaia

I'm not surprised you're struggling  :Panda:

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## Suzi

I'm not surprised you're struggling! Family gatherings are so full of stress. 
Do you have any coping strategies? Any support?

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## Strugglingmum

My husband. He is basically to be a buffer all day at the wedding between me and my father.

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## Suzi

As it happens I use my husband between me and my eldest sibling.... I also use the "Oh no, I have to deal with this" text too......

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Strugglingmum (01-10-18)

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## Paula

Can you plan to limit how long youre at the wedding? Is it local?

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## Suzi

How are you feeling today lovely?

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## Strugglingmum

Today has been ok. I spoke to my CPN about medication for the day and just basically coping techniques. my father is 89 so will probably not stay long at the wedding...... im hoping. that sounds awful. my hubby has said we can stay as long or as short as i want/need. My siblings dont understand why my father is such a trigger for me so they think im being over dramatic. Im just trying to focus on my niece and her special day. 22 just a baby to be getting married. Lol

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## Suzi

It doesn't sound awful at all. 
Just so you know it's not just you and you aren't being irrational - I've just found out that my eldest sibling who I detest and who has a massive negative impact on me actually has been invited to my little brothers wedding on Friday. I can't not go, I have to be there but my mind's already gone into overdrive and trying to sort coping strategies and exit plans..... 

 :Panda:   :Panda:

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## Paula

:Panda:  hugs for both of you. Youre both awesome people btw

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Flo (03-10-18),OldMike (03-10-18),Suzi (03-10-18)

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## OldMike

I agree with Paula you're both awesome.

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Suzi (03-10-18)

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## Flo

Good for you both! Suzi, I take it your younger brother knows about the effect that your not very nice brother has on you? To be honest, I've been in a similar situation many years ago. Just be the lovely person that you are. There's no come back then. It'll be his problem if there's bad feeling. You're there for little bro not him. If it means leaving after the ceremony then do! If you feel strong enough to spend some time at the reception, even better. Try not to think about what might happen and just play it by ear. If you feel uncomfortable just slip away. The people who love you will understand, and if not then that's their problem! I'm sure you'll be fine. :Panda:

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Suzi (03-10-18)

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## Suzi

Thank you... 

Lovely lady, how are you today?

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## Flo

> Thank you... 
> 
> Lovely lady, how are you today?


I'm chilling now. We had lunch out - a nice little courtyard garden with fig trees and easy chairs. Like a little oasis! We went and got the chicken food, popped into Tesco and then came home. Doing nothing else 'til tomorrow morning! Have a restful evening love....xx

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## Strugglingmum

Thanks everyone. I will remember all you have said. Suzi I'll be thinking about you on Friday. Xx

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Suzi (03-10-18)

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## Suzi

And whilst I'm looking round the university of South Wales on Saturday with our eldest I'll be thinking of you too... I know you can do it. You're amazing.

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Strugglingmum (03-10-18)

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## Suzi

I just wanted to let you know I've been thinking of you today, I hope you're OK and it's gone better than you were dreading.

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Strugglingmum (07-10-18)

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## Strugglingmum

So I went to see my gorgeous niece marry her handsome groom. They were beautiful and the love they had for each other shone out of them. The service was lovely. 
Unfortunately the person I was trying to avoid insisted on stalking me all day trying to involve me in a conversation and throw accusations.  It did dull the day for me as I was stressed and couldn't relax as I was constantly watching my back. My hubby eventually helped me slip away quietly and without saying goodbye to anyone. Today I am in bed in hiding from the world and pretty exhausted. But I got to go to the wedding and my kids enjoyed time with their cousins.  That's positive. X

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## Paula

Well done hubby and well done you!

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Strugglingmum (07-10-18)

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## Jaquaia

You've done brilliantly  :Panda:

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Strugglingmum (07-10-18)

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## OldMike

Well done you did really well there  :(bear):

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Strugglingmum (07-10-18)

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## Suzi

You are AMAZING!!! I know how much it takes out of you - as do most of those who are here. You aren't hiding away, you are recharging. You have done something phenomenally hard. I am so seriously proud of you and hubby for helping you out! You really are fantastic!

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Strugglingmum (07-10-18)

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## Strugglingmum

Thankfully today when my dog was x-rayed her broken leg is healing well. We can start walks on the lead again. Still no mad tearing about on the beach but she will be so glad to get out for a walk again...... so will I!! She has cabin fever from being in for 3 weeks resting. Praying for a lovely morning to kick thru the leaves .

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OldMike (19-10-18)

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## Suzi

Glad her leg is healing! Hope you get to go out and about for a slow and gentle wander!

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## Strugglingmum

> Glad her leg is healing! Hope you get to go out and about for a slow and gentle wander!


She is a year old German Shepherd tornado. I dontbthink our first outingbwill in any way be slow and gentle :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

Ahh, we have a 18 month old Belgian Malinois called Crash! Hold on, will find a picture! Meet Moiya our 9/10 year old ex Romanian Street Dog and our bouncing bundle of chaos Crash - 18 months from Spain where he'd spent all 11 months of his life in what was essentially a concrete box with his brother Tango (They were Tango and Cash, but within 5 minutes we'd changed it to Crash which is the most adpt name for a dog in the whole world) who used to bully him! He's amazing - well they both are!

----------

OldMike (19-10-18)

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## Paula

What a relief her leg is healing, they really are a worry, arent they?

----------

Strugglingmum (19-10-18)

----------


## Strugglingmum

2 miles this morning in the sun. Lovely wee break in for her.

----------

OldMike (19-10-18),Paula (19-10-18)

----------


## OldMike

I'm glad her leg is healing and you managed to get out for a walk in the sun.

----------

Strugglingmum (20-10-18)

----------


## Suzi

That's great that you got out for a walk!

----------

Strugglingmum (20-10-18)

----------


## Paula

Hi Hunni, how are you and the dog doing?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Depression exhaustion has hit in. I'm struggling with energy levels but Katie(my gorgeous doggy girl) is good. Trouble is trying to keep her from cunning mad  :P: 
How is the back??

----------


## Paula

Ermmmm, and thats all Ive got to say about that  :O:

----------


## Suzi

How are you today lovely?

----------


## Strugglingmum

My CPN is off long term sick. I phoned mental health today to ask about seeing someone else as my anxiety is high and I'm back using some of my more unhealthy coping mechanisms. I was told that my CPN's caseload had been shared out and that I hadn't been allocated as I saw a psychologist and surely I don't need both. 
Am I being too dependant and selfish? I actually broke down and sobbed for about an hour. I feel guilty for asking, weak for needing help and quite abandoned and not understood. Someone tell me to man up please and get my act together.

----------


## Suzi

I'm never going to tell you to "man up and get your act together!" I think you are well in your rights to ask for more. If you need the support then you need the support. Can someone help you to appeal their decision?

----------


## Paula

Im not going to tell you to man up - because you are perfectly entitled to ask for the help that, up to now, the health services have accepted that you need. Youre not being dependent or selfish - in the same way a diabetic could need a diabetes nurse and to see a diabetes doctor, you need a CPN to support you in your recovery as well as a psychologist. They do different jobs ....... Please, lovely, call them tomorrow and insist

----------


## Strugglingmum

Waiting on the team leader phoning me.

----------


## Suzi

I'm really proud of you for calling. I know it's really hard to do that.

----------


## Paula

Did they call?

----------


## Suzi

I hope you've heard back from them and have the help sorted.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Of course no one phoned me back. I give up. I haven't the energy to do battle. I'll just have to do it myself. I've cut 3 times today. I'm devastated

----------


## Jaquaia

Are the wounds cleaned and dressed?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Yeah I've took care of them thanks

----------


## Jaquaia

Good. It's not good that you felt bad enough to do that but don't beat yourself up. You can get through this  :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (26-10-18)

----------


## Paula

:Panda:  oh, lovely, Im so sorry todays been such an awful day.

----------

Strugglingmum (26-10-18)

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart if you need to get emergency medical help then please do get some from A+E lovely. I'm so sorry. Have you access to the crisis line?

----------

Strugglingmum (27-10-18)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Yes but I'm ok at the moment. Going to bed. Thanks all.

----------


## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (27-10-18)

----------


## Suzi

How are you this morning lovely lady?

----------

Strugglingmum (27-10-18)

----------


## Paula

Did you get any sleep?

----------

Strugglingmum (27-10-18)

----------


## OldMike

Just popping in to see how you're doing  :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (27-10-18)

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## Strugglingmum

It's been a day. I have been driving myself all day so I can't think. It's been tough but no SH so far. I'm now exhausted so going to feet up with the hubby. Absolutely no appetite which causes friction as he wants to feed me but he's trying not to fuss and I'm trying to stay focussed on my family to keep me safe. Thank you all for your care and thoughts.  It means a lot. X

----------


## Suzi

Well done for not harming lovely, that's really a huge achievement.   :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (27-10-18)

----------


## Paula

:(bear):

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Strugglingmum (28-10-18)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Up and moving........with a lot of effort and encouragement from hubby. Etermined to make it to church this morning.

----------

OldMike (28-10-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

You're doing brilliantly  :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (28-10-18)

----------


## Suzi

You are doing fabulously lovely! One step at a time.

----------

Strugglingmum (28-10-18)

----------


## Paula

Hows the day going?

----------

Strugglingmum (28-10-18)

----------


## OldMike

Just take it day by day  :(bear):

----------

Strugglingmum (28-10-18)

----------


## Suzi

Hope today's been a brighter one for you...

----------

Strugglingmum (28-10-18)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Today I won. No SH . Still here. Xx  thanks for the encouragement. X

----------


## Jaquaia

Well done lovely. I know how hard that is  :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (29-10-18)

----------


## Suzi

So, so, so proud of you!

----------

Strugglingmum (29-10-18)

----------


## Paula

Youre amazing!

----------

Strugglingmum (29-10-18)

----------


## Suzi

How are you today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> How are you today?


I'm keeping as busy as possible. My kids are all home this week on holidays and my hubby is off too so plenty of people to keep me focussed. Had a little SH but not too much. Xx

----------


## Paula

Are the wounds cleaned and dressed?

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  Have you seen our distraction threads here? Something different might help fight those urges...

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Have you seen our distraction threads here? Something different might help fight those urges...


Yeah I've had a look. I've tried lots of things to try. I guess in my head it's better than OD which is what I really want to do

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Are the wounds cleaned and dressed?


Yes Paula. I have to to hide them from everyone. X

----------


## Suzi

It is better than ODing, but lovely there has to be a better way lovely... Have you called the crisis team?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> It is better than ODing, but lovely there has to be a better way lovely... Have you called the crisis team?


No. They are not interested unless you are actively SU. I never got a call back about my CPN so I'm not holding my breath for help

----------


## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Call them again lovely. You deserve the help. 

Sweetheart if you are currently using sh as a coping strategy, then you are actively shing and so should call the crisis team....

----------


## OldMike

I agree with Suzi, you need help so please give the crisis team another call.  :Panda:

----------

Suzi (30-10-18)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Appointment with an unhappy psychologist this morning. She is fighting my corner for a CPN to fill in while mine is off.

----------


## Suzi

It's brilliant that she is going to help you fight.

----------


## Paula

Good to hear. How did the appointment go?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Psychology is always tough. I'm exhausted when I come out but its good to get out the things in my head. I also have PTSD so we work a lot on helping me deal with my trauma and not let it control me. As I said.....exhausting  :(snooze):

----------


## Suzi

I hope you're giving yourself a recharging or pacing day today and being kind to you?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Out at the training centre all day today but now feet up, fire lit and a cosy evening. Xx

----------

Paula (01-11-18)

----------


## Suzi

What was the training on? How are you feeling?

----------


## Strugglingmum

It's a training centre ran by Action Mental Health. They run a variety of courses to aid recovery and help people to be able to work again. It is fantastic as all clients have mental health issues and the tutors are adept at understanding thst some days are more difficult for us than others. They also run personal development courses like stress management, confidence building etc. I feel very lucky to have been referred there. I'm doing a computer qualification, gaining experience working in an industrial kitchen and doing some personal development.

----------


## Suzi

That's brilliant! What a valuable resource!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Oh for a good night's sleep. I've tried all the usual. Anybody any ideas? I dream quite a lot and kick, punch,  wriggle and basically do a work out all night. I wake myself up 6 -8 times a night and am often awake from 4:30 am. I know it's a common problem but anyone any suggestions.

----------


## Suzi

Meditation? 
Good sleep hygiene?

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

How are you today? Did you sleep last night?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Yup I've tried meditation. I don't drink a lot of caffeine, try to wind down with bath, music, warmth etc etc as soon as I get I to bed although I'm exhausted my brain is still tumbling about. When I sleep I dream all night things connected to my PTSD. 
Awake since 4:30. Psychology today so hopefully talking will help. Also see if any update on getting a CPN to cover while mine is off sick.

----------


## Suzi

Have you tried keeping a dream and mood diary? Does something like a particular piece of music make you feel calm, rested and safe? Could you put that going quietly on repeat? 
Have you spoken to the care team about it?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Finally movement on getting a replacement CPN.  :(party):  I got a phone call from team leader at 5:30pm to say someone would phone me tomorrow or Monday. ok so more days of waiting for a phonecall (really stresses me out) but something is finally moving. SH has been bad this week and getting motivated has been naff but made it to my training centre today.

----------


## Suzi

That's brilliant news! - OK not so much about the waiting, but the moving forward!

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Allalone

It’s good that you got out yesterday. Well done.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Waiting still waiting. It's going to be Monday now. My aggitation is off the scale at the minute. Desperately trying to stop my mood plummet. Didn't SH yesterday but twice today. I can do this I can do this I can do this.

----------


## Jaquaia

Yes you can  :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (09-11-18)

----------


## Paula

Absolutely yes you can!

----------

Strugglingmum (09-11-18)

----------


## Allalone

You can do it!

----------

Strugglingmum (09-11-18)

----------


## Suzi

Another one cheering you on!

----------


## Allalone

How have you got on this evening? Have you managed to keep yourself busy?

----------


## Paula

Hi, sweetie, how are you?

----------


## Suzi

Morning!  :):

----------


## Strugglingmum

Morning everyone. Been up since 4:30 and have been and got the shoppingvwithvthe hubby. All put away and feet up for now. More baking this afternoon. Safe so far today. Xx

----------


## Jaquaia

I popped to asda this morning and got ridiculously excited as they're selling tubes of red smarties!!! So I obviously bought a tube ready for making gingerbread reindeer at Christmas!

----------


## OldMike

> I popped to asda this morning and got ridiculously excited as they're selling tubes of red smarties!!! So I obviously bought a tube ready for making gingerbread reindeer at Christmas!


They actually sell tubes of only red smarties! well you live and learn I must've been living under a rock for the past 50 years  :(giggle):

----------


## Jaquaia

This year is the first time I've seen them Mike! They'll make fabulous Rudolph noses!

----------


## Strugglingmum

> This year is the first time I've seen them Mike! They'll make fabulous Rudolph noses!


Ooooo I'll have to look out for them....not to bake , just to eat! I think me and baking are going to go our separate ways. Im only frustrating myself

----------


## Jaquaia

They were down the seasonal aisle in my local asda!

----------


## Suzi

OO haven't seen those either!

----------


## Allalone

What have you been baking? I love baking when I’m in a better frame of mind. I’m going to look for the red smarties too!

----------


## Strugglingmum

I've been making a mess mostly!! Messed up my scones. Messed up my pastry last night..... now making a new batch. Think I should stick to rice Crispie buns..... mind you the way my brain is cat the minute I'd probably burn the chocolate.  :P:

----------


## Allalone

So you’re not up to doing Bake Off next year then?! :P:

----------


## Strugglingmum

Flip only as the one who hasn't a clue. Im choosing not to remember how well I used to bake before my brain turned to putty! 
On the positive, my wind batch of pastry turned out properly.

----------


## Allalone

Well at least you’re baking! Are you baking for something in particular or just to keep busy?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I have a supper to serve at a church meeting tonight. All sorted now. Just to shower and get ready and find my mono and happy face. :(party):

----------


## Strugglingmum

> I have a supper to serve at a church meeting tonight. All sorted now. Just to shower and get ready and find my mono and happy face.


That should have said mojo not mono. Good old predictive text

----------


## Allalone

Good luck. Hope all goes well. Take care.x

----------


## Paula

Be fun, lovely. Can I just say that Im in awe of you for doing the supper. I havent been able to go to church in years (to busyand loud), and can only attend a Housegroup.

----------


## Suzi

Hope you have a lovely evening!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thank you all. Home, tired but enjoyed getting out.

----------

Paula (10-11-18)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Always good when you sleep to 7am!!

----------


## Paula

:(party):

----------

Strugglingmum (11-11-18)

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo! That's brilliant!

----------

Strugglingmum (11-11-18)

----------


## Allalone

That’s fantastic! 
An enjoyable evening out followed by a good nights sleep, amazing.
Have you got much planned for today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Having a lazy day today. Raging headache from tension. Trying to relax but not great at it today. X

----------


## Suzi

It's not "lazy!" It's "recharging"

----------


## Strugglingmum

> It's not "lazy!" It's "recharging"


Sorry boss lady :P:

----------


## Paula

:(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

> Sorry boss lady


Exactly. I will NOT have you put yourself down with "lazy!" It's very hard dealing with chronic illness of any kind....

----------


## Strugglingmum

One of those nights when loneliness seems to blanket you. Sitting with my husband but feeling so overwhelmingly alone. 
So much going around in my head and dragging me down.

----------


## Allalone

Please remember that you are not alone. We are all here for you. Could you get rid of some of the stuff in your head? Posting on here? Writing it down? Or do you need a distraction? Or possibly a sleeping tablet and bed?!
Take care.xx

----------


## Suzi

Absolutely agree, post stuff to get it out of your head, check out the distraction threads, write poetry, stories or anything else... You are amazing and you aren't alone..

----------


## Strugglingmum

So with a list of things that need done....ie...washing , ironing, cleaning etc etc    I decided that a walk with Katie (dippy canine child) was more preferable :(giggle): . 4 miles later she is still bouncing, I'm having a cuppa and studiously ignoring the mess around me. The call of the ironing pile is being drowned out by a bit of def leopard blasting. ...Feeling like a naughty teen.

----------


## Suzi

It's quite freeing not doing what you are meant to!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Yup but I've now put my mummy head on and am heading for the ironing pile.... unless of course I get distracted on the way there.

----------


## Suzi

I really hope you got distracted....

----------


## Strugglingmum

So today I walked the dog, stuck a load of washing in and then hung it up. Did the ironing and lit the fire. 
I am finding it hard to get motivated. There are so many jobs around the house that I could be doing but I don't seem to be able to gather the motivation to do them. I'm sitting here, I'm not tired just no mojo. It's 2 -3 years since I first took ill. Prior to that I worked full time, did all around the house and still had energy to be mum, wife friend etc. 
Do you think I've just got used to being lazy and use the fact that I've been ill as a reason to achieve very little. I haven't washed my face, brushed my hair or brushed my teeth. 
Why can't I just do the damn  jobs?

----------


## Jaquaia

You are not lazy, you're ill! Mental illness is bloody exhausting! Instead of looking at what you haven't done, look at what you have done. It's all about pacing. You're not superwoman, no matter how often you wear your knickers on the outside, so don't try to be! Go and get washed and brush your teeth and it may make you feel a little better  :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (19-11-18)

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## Suzi

Listen to Jaq, she knows what she's talking about! 
Sometimes just breathing is enough.... Anything else is a bonus  :O:

----------

Strugglingmum (19-11-18)

----------


## Paula

> You are not lazy, you're ill! Mental illness is bloody exhausting! Instead of looking at what you haven't done, look at what you have done. It's all about pacing. You're not superwoman, no matter how often you wear your knickers on the outside, so don't try to be! Go and get washed and brush your teeth and it may make you feel a little better


This, absolutely this!

----------

Strugglingmum (19-11-18)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I ended up just dissolving into tears all over my husband. Quickly turned to sobbing and me pouring out how awful I was feeling about being a weight round his neck and useless etc etc etc. 
He said he had no idea how frustrated I was with myself and how low I was feeling about feeling inadequate and of no use to man nor beast.  He listened and tried to reassure me that he loves me whatever. He is so so good that I feel so guilty that he is lumbered with me. He deserves so much better

----------


## Allalone

> I ended up just dissolving into tears all over my husband. Quickly turned to sobbing and me pouring out how awful I was feeling about being a weight round his neck and useless etc etc etc. 
> He said he had no idea how frustrated I was with myself and how low I was feeling about feeling inadequate and of no use to man nor beast.  He listened and tried to reassure me that he loves me whatever. He is so so good that I feel so guilty that he is lumbered with me. He deserves so much better


Well done for telling him! It’s better that he knows how you’re feeling. He isn’t lumbered with you. He clearly cares and loves you. Don’t be down on yourself for not being able to do things around the house. You are ill, you need looked after too. Take care. Keep fighting.xx

----------


## Paula

Oh, I must have had that same conversation with my husband hundreds of times. He always tells me that, if he didnt love me so much he would have left a long time ago. It sounds like your husband feels the same. Marriage is a partnership and part of that is taking the slack for your partner when needed. There will be times (if there hasnt already) when youll need to take the slack for your husband. This is just his moment. And youre not in the least bit inadequte - you spent yesterday walking the dog, doing the ironing, putting washing on. All necessary tasks and ones your husband didnt have to do because of your work.

----------


## Jaquaia

Yep! Same conversation with J many, many times. He just tells me I need to try harder to get rid of him  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

> I ended up just dissolving into tears all over my husband. Quickly turned to sobbing and me pouring out how awful I was feeling about being a weight round his neck and useless etc etc etc. 
> He said he had no idea how frustrated I was with myself and how low I was feeling about feeling inadequate and of no use to man nor beast.  He listened and tried to reassure me that he loves me whatever. He is so so good that I feel so guilty that he is lumbered with me. He deserves so much better


He's awesome. He's also right. 
However I've had the same conversation with Marc time and time again - especially when some other part of me breaks. BUT I can see it from both sides because he has said the same to me about him with his mental health and I can't tell him enough that actually I love him, all of him. Yes he does things that p(ss me off (snoring, leaving teaspoons balanced on the edge of the sink, falling asleep in odd places and then saying he isn't asleep all whilst snoring) and although I wish he didn't have to fight with the stuff in his head every day I absolutely adore him. He is the kindest and most lovely man on the planet. 
You see, if it was the other way round for you would you stop loving him because he was poorly? What if you had a physical illness? Would you expect him to stop loving you? 
Stop being so harsh on yourself.. Have you ever done the exercise where you find 5 things about you that you love (here we start with don't hate about yourself)? Give it a go....

----------


## Allalone

Hey. How are you? Not heard from you today. Thinking about you.xx

----------

Strugglingmum (20-11-18)

----------


## Suzi

Hope it's been a good day lovely.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Too shattered to even think of the New Year but hope you all have a peaceful start to the New year.

----------


## Suzi

Hope that means you're getting some rest in and being kind to yourself....

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Hope that means you're getting some rest in and being kind to yourself....


I wish. Hasn't been a great week and I have absolutely no spoons left, in fact I think I'm in deficit if that is possible. However I have a lot of promises to carry thru on, including going out tonight.

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're planning on building in rest days love....

----------


## Strugglingmum

Unfortunately there is no time For rest days.
I realised today that I haven't taken my antidepressants for a week. I have no idea how to get back on them as I will have to build up dose again. I'm going to have to wait til I can speak to my gp later in the week to see what dose to start on. Actually don't feel like I want to go back on them at all. I was walking down the stairs today with my arms full and thought how easy it would be to just throw myself down them. Too tired for all this effort.

----------


## Paula

Sweetheart, not taking the ADs will have a huge impact on your mood and is probably why youre struggling so much with everything right now. You _have_ to get back on them. Please, please, please either call the out of hours GP service or go to A&E today. Please

----------

Strugglingmum (01-01-19)

----------


## Suzi

Oh no! Why haven't you been taking them? No wonder you feel so rough love. Please, please get to speak to someone today....

----------

Strugglingmum (01-01-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm sorry. Its just been easier to avoid. I think because of all that happened at Christmas and feeling so low I forgot a couple of days and it just got harder and harder to want to take them. I'm heading to the mountains for a hike with my family. Maybe that will give me a lift. I'm too tired to be bothered with Drs today.  My Dr surgery is open tomorrow but my gp doesn't work on a Wednesday. Couple of days won't make much difference now. I'm well off them now and prob going to have to start on lowest dose if I go back on them. I'm too tired to have to think about doses and picking up prescriptions etc. I have enough meds to start a chemist. 
If Gp knew how many tablets I had he would freak. I only get 7 days at a time but with the times I have forgotten them and now been off them I've got enough to get me started again at any dose. 
I'm too tired to have Drs telling me off today. I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry.

----------


## Suzi

You have no need to apologise to us... 
Can you call 111 for advice about restarting? If it's only been a few days then you might be ok to just restart at your dosage, but I'm not qualified - your pharmacist might have an idea?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Just saying thank you to you all. I'm so so tired and often forget to appreciate people who help me so just want you all to know how much your warmth has meant to me. Thank you to you all who have helped. I have valued you all. Xx

----------


## Suzi

We value you too... Just focus on you and getting you back on track love...

----------


## Paula

Completely agree - back you a priority, sweetheart. You deserve it

----------


## OldMike

Apologies not needed it so easy to forget your meds you need to have a specific routine so you automatically take them each day trouble is life throws a few curved balls at you and any system you've got goes out the window. Yup you are a valued member of this forum, first priority is you need to look after yourself.  :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (02-01-19)

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## Strugglingmum

I've been in town today with my daughter, promised I would take get for her phone upgrade before she goes back to school tomorrow.  Its too late today to get to speak to my GP but I'm at Action Mental Health training centre so I'll try speak to one of them they'll maybe phone community mental health for me. I'm too knackered to go thru it at the moment. X

----------


## Suzi

Hunni, can I be blunt? 
You may be knackered - and I totally get that as I'm pretty much at the end of all spoons - even the borrowed ones....... 
But, no matter how exhausted you are, you HAVE to sort something to get you the help you need right now. Don't "try to talk to someone" tomorrow - make sure you DO talk to someone. Tell them everything honestly.....

----------


## Strugglingmum

Im sorry. I'll sort it. Xx

----------


## Paula

Again, dont apologise to us. Although we really do care and worry about you, its not our lives that are affected - its you and your family. You need to talk to someone tomorrow (or tonight if you need to) for your own benefit, and that of your family. You are not going to get any better if you dont take the meds youve been prescribed

----------

Strugglingmum (03-01-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thank you all. Mike you made me cry. You're all so kind.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (03-01-19)

----------


## Suzi

Sorry to make you cry, sorry to have been blunt, but we do care about you....

----------

Strugglingmum (03-01-19)

----------


## Jarre

Sometimes we have to be a little blunt to help push you into a beneficial direction and challenge your current thinking. How are you today?

----------


## Suzi

Hey you! Have you managed to get an appointment?

----------


## Strugglingmum

My mood has gone completely hyper tonight, to the point where my kids were convinced i was  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ed as a fart (I'm not) completely sober but lay on the sofa laughing hysterically for 40 mins and unable to talk for laughing...at nothing?? 
I have no idea where my head is. I know I should be tired but I feel like I could climb a mountain, run a 10k. It feels like I have too much Buzz inside me to even want to sit down never mind go to bed lije everyone keeps telling me. I wrote really stupid messages on fbook that dontveven make sense. My family are all looking at me as if i have 2 heads and everyone is like..Just go to bed. My eyes are never going to close... I dont even know what to do with myself. I could go swim at the beach with Katie or I don't know just busy busy busy. If this is lack of sleep I don't think I ever Ned to sleep again. 
They actually are taking it woRae me being energetic than me not able to raise a smile.m gotta live for the moment. Seize the day.

----------


## Paula

I thinkyour family is right and you should try to sleep. Do you have anything from the doctor that could help with that? Sweetie, please tell whoever you get to speak to on Monday about this episode. And, if you are not able to settle, would you please call 111?

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Strugglingmum (06-01-19)

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## Paula

Morning, sweetheart. Did you get any sleep? How are you feeling?

----------

Strugglingmum (06-01-19)

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing lovely?

----------

Strugglingmum (06-01-19)

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## Strugglingmum

> Morning, sweetheart. Did you get any sleep? How are you feeling?


Morning Paula. And Happy Birthday.  A drove to our or Hours Gp at 1am and got me a sleeping tablet. I finally took it at 2:30am. I'm literally only awake at 11:30 and that's because Katie came up and jumped all over me whinging..... I think she thought I was never going to wake. 
Anyway A communication and the sleeping tablet will be logged for Monday morning. 
I can't believe a Dr gave him a sleeping tablet for me because I was a bit hype. I don't know what he must gave told them!!

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like it was a bit more than, "a bit hyper" hunni. 
I'm really glad that A called and got you some help and that you have slept.

----------


## Strugglingmum

So one night's drugged induced sleep and i am back to being in the wide awake club. 
Anyone fancy a midnight/3am swim??  Although the beach was Baltic earlier. Wondering if A would notice if I went out driving for the rest of the night. Wondering just how far i could get before they get up at 6:20?. 
Would they even get up if i dont nag???????? Questions questions questions.  
All I need now are some answers.

----------


## Paula

Hunni, can you get an emergency appointment with your doctor?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm at the training centre today. Have an appt with my psychologist later this afternoon.

----------


## Suzi

Hope it goes well, I hope you're going to be really honest - it might help to show them some of your posts from here?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Told my psychologist everything....I think. She is contacting my consultant to let him know where things are at and to take a lead from him re: meds etc. 
She also contacted the community mental health worker assigned to me and explained how I was and what had triggered over Chistmas etc. 
I then got a phonecall from this worker who asked a few questions about if this was a yearly thing, me going off my meds at Christmas and whether I was ready to go back on my meds and I said my head was all over the place. She said she would see me Thursday week but I was old enough to know the consequences of not taking my meds and if I wasn't ready to help myself then she couldn't either. She said, you know the advice if you Od you need to get checked out. If you cut yourself you're just asking for infection. So all in all I felt very supported after that conversation and I still don't know what to do about the hyper moods. My psychologist says they could be insomnia induced but also could be more(She didnt expand). I don't really know if I can do anything else but wait and see if the consultant replies to my psychologist.  Anyway I see her next Monday.

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## Suzi

I hope you are going to ask to change worker and tell them the reasons why - how bloody dare they speak to you like that? I'm furious! 
Call your psychologist and tell them what this person said to you!!

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Strugglingmum (08-01-19)

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## Paula

What??? Thats  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ing disgusting and Im furious for you! You should never, ever have to accept that sort of care

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Strugglingmum (08-01-19),Suzi (08-01-19)

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## Strugglingmum

I'm too tired to fight them.
 I asked for help and to be fair my psychologist did what she could including spending nearly an extra hour with me. 
If my own CPN was around it would be different.  To be fair this worker doesn't know me and I'm guessing hasn't deeply read my notes or she would know I'm not in the habit of just stopping my meds. She would  know that I so rarely ask for help that it's a big sign to my CPN if I actually phone in. To be fair everything she said was true, No One can say that she was wrong in any point. Maybe a different way of putting things would have been nice. 
My psychologist did suggest HTT again but I don't like stepping backwards. Anyway. A has insisted on a sleeping tablet tonight and I've agreed. Maybe a bit of sleep will help.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Sorry I know its weak to continually say I'm too tired and likely to earn me blunt words but I don't know how else to express how I feel. "I'm tired" just seems to cover it so well.
Sorry.

----------


## Mira

Hello, i hope you don't nind me posting in your thread. Like yourself I am tired all the time. And while its not the root of all my troubles being tired makes a lot of things worse. For years now I can sleep a lot and still feel exhausted.

What I wanted to say is you should never apologize for that. A lot of people here know what it is.

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Jaquaia (08-01-19),Paula (08-01-19),Strugglingmum (08-01-19)

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## Paula

Couldnt agree with Mira more - never apologise for being honest about how you feel. And its not weak to say youre tired, Its what happens when youre in a constant battle with your own body and youre a true fighter

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Suzi (08-01-19)

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## Suzi

Also totally agree with Mira... 
You are so very far from weak. This person should never be allowed near people who are so vulnerable. I'm livid! Could A put in the complaint on your behalf?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thank you all for your support. Thanks to a tiny tablet I slept for 10hrs last night. I did have nightmares but I didnt awaken although I think A did move to the floor at one point as I was kicking him an wriggling so much. However i still feel tired and weary. Home alone today so taking it easy. X

----------


## Suzi

Glad you got some sleep lovely... 
How are you doing now? Is A going to complain on your behalf?

----------


## Strugglingmum

My consultant has sent thru a schedule to restart my meds. 
As I guessed I have to build up my AD again but he is happy to do it at a much quicker rate than normal as we know I have had no issues with them before.
I can just restart my antipsychotics as prescribed. 
Plan is to restart tomorrow.

----------


## Allalone

That’s good news.

----------


## Paula

Well done for getting that sorted, lovely

----------


## Suzi

That's brilliant. Are you going to start them now?

----------


## Strugglingmum

The plan is fine but I'm finding it strangely hard to put them in my mouth.

----------


## Suzi

Why? 

Have you taken them?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Truthfully, I don't know why it's so hard. It's like there's a block in my head against taking them.
I haven't taken them yet. I'm not sure if I will.

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## Mira

Maybe think of how they are not the solution for your troubles. But they are there to assist you. Just like a helping friend.

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Strugglingmum (09-01-19)

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## Suzi

Sweetheart, you know that right now you need to take them.... Can you call your team to talk things through with them? Or talk to A?

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Strugglingmum (09-01-19)

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## Paula

> Truthfully, I don't know why it's so hard. It's like there's a block in my head against taking them.
> I haven't taken them yet. I'm not sure if I will.


I wish you would see what we see - youre such a lovely, lovely person and you deserve so much joy. Youre in so much pain now but there are ways through this - and meds are a part of that. You deserve to love yourself enough that you are able to take those meds, you deserve to see yourself as those around you see you.

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Strugglingmum (09-01-19)

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## Suzi

How are you love? Have you thought any more about talking to A?

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Strugglingmum (09-01-19)

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## Strugglingmum

I'm ok. My head is just in a bit of a meltdown.  
I just keep putting things off. It's like, now I can't think about anything until my daughter's appointment is over tomorrow.  But it feels like I already know I'll find some other read on to put it off after that.

----------


## Suzi

OK, I know you've got the appointment with your daughter today and I hope it goes really well... BUT I also think you need to talk to those around you in your medical care team and A about the fact you are struggling taking your meds.

----------

Strugglingmum (10-01-19)

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## Paula

Hi, lovely,hope the appointment goes well

----------

Strugglingmum (10-01-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Hi all. 
As some of you know I've been really struggling since Christmas.
However all I really wanted to say is that over past 24 hrs I have phoned The Samaritans  3 times.
 It's something I never thought I would need to do, its not even something I thought I could do but I just want you to know that if you ever feel like you have nowhere else to turn, these guys are amazing. 
Prepared to talk for as long as it takes, No judgement, just a listening ear with a bucketload of compassion. They have honestly helped to save my life today. I'm not being over dramatic, just stating the truth. 
I'm ok. I have plans in place to stay safe over the weekend and know I can phone them back as often as needed. 
Sometimes we don't get the help from where we expected it, or should expect it from but if you are ever in that place please give these guys a phone.

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Allalone (11-01-19),Jaquaia (11-01-19),Paula (11-01-19),Suzi (11-01-19)

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## Jaquaia

You're amazing. I want to volunteer as a listener myself when I'm in a better place. Keep fighting lovely, you will get there  :Panda:

----------


## Allalone

Hey.  Just wanted to say how incredibly proud I am of you. Well done for reaching out. You deserve to be here. You truly are amazing. I've never said but I know how fantastic Samaritans are too. If you feel up to it try and have a chat with Ali. When we are both well we need to meet. Love you hun.x

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## Paula

:Panda:  well done, lovely, that takes incredible strength to make that call

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## Suzi

That proves that you want to live hunni. You can get through this. I am so proud of you for making that call. You are amazing.

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## Strugglingmum

Have kept so so busy today. Been to the town to do the shopping. Home, all packed away. The 5 of us sat down and ate breakfast together. When I came home from shopping they heard the porridge pot go on and just kept arriving. Every so often more oats had to go in and more milk!! Lol. Still nice to all have brekkie together, its normally teatime before we sit down together. Made a pot of potato and leek soup, a pot of spiced butternut squash soup and a quiche from scratch....yes I had a lot of veg to use up. Chicken roasting in the oven as it was a whooopsie in Asda and needed cooking today. dishwasher loaded.  2nd load of washing in. i am now shattered and my back is sore. Cleaning can wait a while. Going to see if I can get an hour nap. Do feel a bit on autopilot but have avoided suicidal thoughts by keeping moving.

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## Allalone

Sounds like you’ve got enough made to feed us all on here or at least 1 extra(mentioning no names...) *coughing ‘me’* lol
You could probably do with taking it easy this afternoon so if you can have a nap that would be good. Have you got plans for this evening? You’re doing well.xx

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## Strugglingmum

Had 40 mins nap. Up chicken out of the oven, dishwasher unloaded, refilled and back on, last load of washing on and just lit fire. Going to sit down with a cuppa now and watch tv (if there is anything on) and do a bit of crochet. Hands and mind busy. 
I would post you some soup but it might get a bit cold on the way there :(giggle):

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## Allalone

40 mins is better than nothing. It’s good you’ve got crochet to keep you distracted, I’m no good with things like that. I’ll heat it up when it arrives! We don’t even have deliveroo here so I can’t even suggest that!! I was going to take Ted out for a walk but just looked outside and have decided against it, it’s horrible here, windy and drizzly rain. I’ll sit myself back down!

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## Suzi

Wow, you've done so much - not surprised you needed a nap! I hope you're resting now...

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## Paula

Blimey, SM, Im knackered just reading that! Do you think youll be able to take things a little easier tomorrow?

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Strugglingmum (12-01-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Not if my brain keeps going the way it's going. Just in from being out with Katie for 2hours. Finding it so hard to settle tonight and just want to be left alone.

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## Allalone

> Not if my brain keeps going the way it's going. Just in from being out with Katie for 2hours. Finding it so hard to settle tonight and just want to be left alone.


Don’t be on your own hun. If you can’t talk to A, could you ring the Samaritans? Or chat on here for a bit?

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## magie06

I used to text the Samaritans when I was in crisis. They are brilliant and helped get me through a bad time. I have to agree, keeping busy is great and really helps keep horrible thoughts from your mind. Take care that you don't use up all of your spoons though, and try to rest as much as possible. When your mind is in turmoil, you need to rest and recharge as much as possible.

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OldMike (13-01-19),Paula (13-01-19),Strugglingmum (13-01-19)

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## Paula

How was your night, love?

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Strugglingmum (13-01-19)

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## Suzi

How are you doing lovely?

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Strugglingmum (13-01-19)

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## Strugglingmum

I'm doing ok. Have spoken with the Samaritans early this morning just to try and get my head straighter. Have been busy busy all morning. Sunday dinner over, I'm going to try and nap now for a while. Have to go out later and need some spoons to do it. 
By being quiet and not talkingbi have built the huge st wall between A and me but I'm too tired to even try and dismantle it. Maybe sleep will help. If I only sleep for an hour in the afternoon I tend not to hit nightmare stage so I set my alarm for1hr time. Whatever time I've managed to sleep is what I get. Here's hoping. X

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## OldMike

Wow so busy try not overdo things though try some distraction techniques like knitting, drawing, reading or things that don't need much rushing around.  :(bear):   :Panda:

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## Jaquaia

How about writing down what you want to say to him? It might be easier?  :Panda:

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## Paula

Why do you think theres a wall, hunni?

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## Suzi

How about start with something along the lines of.. 

A I need to talk to you. I need you to listen and not judge. I love you, I need you to know that, but my head is in a really bad place......

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Allalone (13-01-19),Strugglingmum (14-01-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Had a bit of a meltdown tonight. 
My psychologist left me a message (on her day off) to say she is sick and won't be in tomorrow.  She was poorly last week when i saw her but was struggling on. My meltdown was not about her but the realisation that the next mental health contact I have is on Thursday with my community mental health worker. 
Anyway, I just really felt I couldn't do the next couple of days. I had myself kind of psyched that I  just had to get thru the weekend and I would get some help and then realised there was no help coming. I hit such a low. I am now in bed as being around the family is just too much at the moment but i know that there is a listening ear on the end of the phone if i need. Told Samaritans tonight that I felt guilty for phoning them so much this weekend but the guy said it was more than ok and to keep phoning anytime I felt I could not stay safe. 
Need so much sleep but so scared to sleep.

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## Allalone

Oh hun. Please try and talk to A. I’m sure he’d rather know so he can support you, rather than you struggling on you own. You’re doing the right thing by phoning the Samaritans, I’m so proud of you for doing that. Could you not phone your GP tomorrow? Keep fighting you’re worth it.xx

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Strugglingmum (14-01-19)

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## magie06

Can I just say that whatever you think A is going through, may not be as bad as you think. It was something similar to what I went through with my husband. I thought he had gone 'off' me, that he didn't find me attractive anymore and that we were heading towards splitting up. Turns out he was actually giving me space to recover and was afraid of aggregating my physical problems. It took therapy for all of this to come out, but we got there. And I know that you have the strength to get there too. Please don't give up.

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Paula (14-01-19),Strugglingmum (14-01-19)

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## Suzi

Hey hunni! I'm so sorry about your psychologist being off - especially with the rubbish worker you have too. 
Right, I'm going to be blunt. 
When Marc had his first breakdown I was terrified. I had no idea what was wrong with him and though that he was trying to tell me he didn't want to be with me/didn't want our 3rd one/hated living with me and our other 2/had found someone else etc etc etc When I finally broke down and actually talked to him and he talked back it really was so much easier for both of us to deal with - there were 2 of us, on the same page and fighting this beast together. 
I asked him one night if he still loved me and asked him to be honest. He explained to me that he had loved me before getting poorly and that he didn't know why that would have changed but that at that moment he didn't know if he loved anyone or anything. It was the hardest thing I had heard, but I told him that it was OK because I loved him enough for both of us and that we'd get through it together. 
Since then we fight his mental health and my physical health together. It really is much better and easier for both of us. I tell him when I'm struggling and having a low spoon day and he tells me when he's having a hard day. But we do it together. 
What I'm trying to say is talk to A. Whatever you tell him isn't as bad as what he's thinking and at least you can fight it together. Fighting it alone and keeping everything from the man you love is so exhausting.

----------

Jaquaia (14-01-19),Paula (14-01-19),Strugglingmum (14-01-19)

----------


## Suzi

Hey you, how are you doing?

----------


## Strugglingmum

this morning I have been doing my usual of busy busy busy to try and stop my head getting the chance to take over. in the midst of the frantic ' find something to do' I managed to do a job I have been putting off for a year but I  know it will help now that I've done it. 
Today I packed up the baby toys and put them back in the attic. I cried over every single one of them. The memories, the silly games and the cuddle times with the books. Its been over a year since they were played with and I knew it was time to accept that he wasn't coming back. My heart is so sore but I think the release of it all will help. Better to have been Nana for a little while than never been Nana at all. At least that is what I keep telling myself. 

Anyway, cant move forward if there is too much dragging you back. having the toys out of sight will definitely help a bit. I'm trying to fill the space with something positive like my yarn stack. I think I've cried more today than I have in a year. Feeling fragile but yet a little bit stronger.

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## Paula

Oh sweetheart, Im so sorry  :Panda:

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Strugglingmum (16-01-19)

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## Jaquaia

Crying can be cleansing  :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (16-01-19)

----------


## Allalone

:Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (16-01-19)

----------


## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (16-01-19)

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## Suzi

Oh lovely, I had no idea...  :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (16-01-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> 





> Crying can be cleansing


Yeah I guess it was today. The tap hasn't turned off for very long today. I might need you to pass me a drink to rehydrate. I hear you normally have one to spare.



> Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry





> 





> Oh lovely, I had no idea...


Thanks all. Definitely feel a bit better having faced up to it and getting it done. Plus I was home alone with the dog so I could just howl and let the tap drip and didn't have to put a brave face on for anyone...…. although my dog might need to go to see my psychologist with me.

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## Jaquaia

Seriously!!!! Suzi is rubbing off on all of you!!!!

Glad you're feeling better  :Panda:

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## Suzi

Glad you're feeling brighter  :O:  

Nah Jaq, it's just coz you're loved x

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Jaquaia (16-01-19)

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## Allalone

Big hugs heading your way. :Panda:  You are an amazing lady.x

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## Suzi

Morning chick, how's you?

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## Strugglingmum

Just out of the hospital with my lovely mental health worker so feeling quite  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  to be honest. Heading to the training centre to try and keep busy. X

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## Jaquaia

:Panda:

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Strugglingmum (17-01-19)

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## Allalone

Hey hun. Well done for going. I’m so sorry she makes you feel like that. Take care.x

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Strugglingmum (17-01-19)

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## Suzi

I really think you need to change support worker...

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Strugglingmum (17-01-19)

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## Paula

> I really think you need to change support worker...


I do too, she cant be helping, surely?

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## Strugglingmum

> I do too, she can’t be helping, surely?


All I know is that I feel worse about myself when I come out than before I go in. I feel more suicidal walking away than walking in.  Anyway, she doesn't need to see me for 5 weeks so plenty of time to over think!!
After 25 mins she said she was going to call it a day as I didn't seem focussed enough and she wasn't sure that what she was saying was going in. ..... I interpret that as..you're wasting my time.
She asked me what I had hoped to achieve from today's appt, I wasn't sure what to say and that seemed to frustrate her.
She said I was the only one who could  help me by taking my meds, sleeping, keeping busy, making plans,  not ruminating. I told her I was scared to sleep and that was also why I seemed to have a mental block about my meds as I knew they would make me sleep. 
She said well I've let your consultant know you are non-compliant and your psychologist may not be able to continue therapy if you don't help yourself. 
I asked her if she wanted me to cancel the next appointment if I wasn't back on my meds, she said that I was free to cancel any appointment for any reason but that she was prepared to see me. 
So it's all down to me. All she said is true. If I can't sort me out no-one else can. Unfortunately I ended up SH this afternoon I get so crap. 
I don't want to see her again but maybe I just don't like home truths. Maybe my own CPN has me spoiled as he has a way of helping me see the truth thru the fog and helping me make the right choices. I wish he was around. I wish my psychologist was around but I also wish I was stronger or could see my way thru.

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## Suzi

Will you please, please, please change worker????????

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Strugglingmum (18-01-19)

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## Paula

You are strong, please dont doubt that. That doesnt mean having someone make you feel like sh*t isnt going to knock you, because of course that does. She needs to be encouraging you, not disparaging you ....

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Strugglingmum (18-01-19)

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## magie06

Every day, you get up, you get dressed and you eat and drink. That is huge when you are battling your mind every minute of every day. Don't ever feel like you are not strong.

----------

Strugglingmum (18-01-19)

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## Strugglingmum

> Will you please, please, please change worker????????


I just feel it's my fault and not hers. I actually can't disagree with anything she said. I feel I don't have a good enough reason to ask for a change. They are so short staffed with staff sickness it's not funny. I feel like I would just be being a pain 8n the neck. 




> You are strong, please don’t doubt that. That doesn’t mean having someone make you feel like sh*t isn’t going to knock you, because of course that does. She needs to be encouraging you, not disparaging you ....


Maybe she believes in tough love. X




> Every day, you get up, you get dressed and you eat and drink. That is huge when you are battling your mind every minute of every day. Don't ever feel like you are not strong.


Thank you.

----------


## Paula

Its irrelevant, to a certain extent, how busy they are. Their duty is to you and your health and if someone is having a detrimental effect on your health, which she is, then its their duty to deal with it. And its not tough love, its bullying, plain and simple

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Strugglingmum (18-01-19)

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## Suzi

Sweetheart if you are coming out feeling worse then you went in then there's no point. It's not helping. You aren't being a pita at all. I had to change Marc's when he was in a similar situation. We can't work well with everybody

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Strugglingmum (18-01-19)

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## magie06

It's okay to ask to change. It's not being a bother or a nuisance. There are lots of people in this world and we can't get along with them all. That's just a fact.

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Strugglingmum (18-01-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

My psychologist came back from sick leave yesterday and saw me this afternoon.  
So,
She was a bit concerned about what has been going on in my head and some of the symptoms I've been displaying and just me overall. 

She wanted me to go to HTT and I eventually agreed. I kept telling her I didn't understand why she was so extreme in her worry when cmh werent concerned. 
Anyway she was back to back appointments all afternoon so she let me leave on the condition I stayed close to the hospital until she had spoken to HTT and organised a handover. Oh and that I gave her all my paracetamol.  
I hung around the hospital until she phoned me and left me a message to go on home and she would phone me later. 

Basically htt couldnt accept the referral from her solely as she is not my designated key worker that joy belongs to the lovely lady I so enjoy visiting. 
Htt tried to contact my worker,  couldn't get her so spoke to her team lead (who hasn't a clue who I am). He told HTT he would get her to step up the support over next few days to try and get me thru til my appt with my consultant next week.  HTT phoned my psychologist and explained this but that they would step in at any time to support. 
So my cmh worker is to contact me over next day or so to be supportive.  My psychologist has basically said that if things are no better I've to phone her and she will get back on to HTT to take the lead. To be honest I've a feeling my cmh worker will be gutted that her boss didn't just agree to me going to htt and will want to send me there herself. 
I don't want to see her but I feel I owe it to my psychologist to at least try so we can honestly say we tried but its not helping. My psychologist really goes above and beyond her role at times.. I'm very lucky to have her.
My psychologist is also talking about she wants my psychiatrist to reassess my diagnosis? ??? Not too sure what that is all about. 
Anyway just thought I'd update you as to where things are at. I'm ok but I also promised my psychologist that I would speak to A tonight and try and explain where my head is and about my meds etc.

----------


## Suzi

Do talk to A.. It's something we've been talking about here too... 

Are you changing worker? Did you tell your psychologist everything and how bad her support had been? Did you tell her what she's been saying?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Yip. Thats why she tried to go over her head and also why she has htt ready to jump in if/when I can't do it with her. She's too professional to say anything against her but I know her well enough now to see in her face how she is thinking. She also was able to log in to see what cmh had written about our last few contacts. She was not happy about some of the choices the worker had made as to how to proceed and her assessment of the risk.  I feel more secure knowing she has my back.

----------


## Suzi

Good! 

Are you going to talk to A?

----------


## Strugglingmum

That remains to be seen. I'm really peeved at him as he went among the missing for 3hours with no explanation why he's so late home and I'm too thran to ask.  Of course I'm thran about everything this weather so nobody would notice :@:

----------


## Suzi

"thran?"

Hope he's home and safe and well and that you two are able to talk things through..

----------


## Strugglingmum

:(giggle): 
Sorry norn Irish word.
Means stubborn. 
E.g. he knows he is wrong but is too than to apologize.  No chance tonight. He fell asleep on the sofa. I'm going to bed.

----------


## Suzi

Thanks for the translation!  :(rofl):  :(rofl):  I like it! 

Any chance of talking to him tonight?

----------


## Paula

What is your current diagnosis, lovely?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> What is your current diagnosis, lovely?


Oooooo which one.. ??
At first I was severe depression  then they added on general anxiety disorder.
After that they added on emotionally unstable personality disorder and dissociative personality disorder, however my psychologist says these 2 are not accurate and that all those symptoms can be explained by PTSD.
Now being off my meds for a month she feels that I may be bipolar. I was on quetiapine to help manage my depression and anxiety and now  I've been off it she feels she is not sure my 'hyper' periods can be totally explained by insomnia induced mania which is what she initially thought. I'm  also hearing things and sometimes seeing people who aren't there. I sometimes wish I could get my psychiatrist and psychologist in the same room to thrash it out between them .Anyway we'll see what happens when I see my psychiatrist next week.

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like they're just adding whatever they feel! I hope you get a proper answer lovely!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Lol. I'm thinking of getting a mental health conditions bingo card and every time they label me I'll cross it off. Wonder how long a full house would take :(rofl): 
And I don't mean to offend anyone if you think I'm being flippant but I am at the stage where if I don't try and laugh some of it off I can't carry the weight of it all and collapsing is too close at hand to allow that.

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## magie06

You are not offending me. I love your humour and I love the bingo idea. You could add some physical illnesses as well, and we could all join in!  :(happy):

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Strugglingmum (23-01-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thanks Magie.  But you do know our Irish sense of humour doesn't always travel well  :(rofl):

----------


## Allalone

I must have some Irish blood in me then.....because I get your humour too!! I’m sure you might have a line already, claim your prize now!! :(giggle):

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## Suzi

You made me laugh with it too!

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## Strugglingmum

> I must have some Irish blood in me then.....because I get your humour too!! I’m sure you might have a line already, claim your prize now!!


I was wondering what sort of line you thought I had  :(angel):  :(think):

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## Allalone

I suppose it depends on what kind of line you like.....personally I prefer a straight one!! :(giggle):

----------


## Strugglingmum

Still waiting on support from my cmht worker.

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## Suzi

Can you call them to chase them up?

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## Strugglingmum

Truly Suzi I don't see the point. I don't mean that in a 'woe is me' way. I just mean I logically look at it and if they can't support me then  I'll just have to dig a bit deeper. I don't know that I have any more to dig into but it's just the way it is. 
I just could have done with a bit of help and support to get back on my meds and to deal with my sleep issues. A bit of clarity on the best way to deal with my hyper episodes and how not to give into the bizzare urges I get when I'm in them as well. I know when I'm really low I can phone Samaritans and they have been fantastic but the hyper times I can do anything. 
Maybe my appointment with psychiatry on Thursday will help with answers although on looking at it again it is with the SHO and not the consultant so not sure I'll get the help  I'm needing.

----------


## Allalone

Phone your psychologist tomorrow. She said that she’d phone HTT and they would step in if CMHT weren’t supporting you in the right way. You need some support with this and you’ve said the psychologist is the one that’s helped the most. Please try and reach out to her tomorrow hun.x

----------


## Suzi

I agree! Are you back on your meds? (Be honest)
Have you spoken to A?

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## Strugglingmum

> I agree! Are you back on your meds? (Be honest)
> Have you spoken to A?


No to both.
 I'm really struggling with my meds. I know I need them but my fear of them making me sleep is greater. 
Have quite honestly not had a chance to talk and I know I'm isolating and holding him off.  I'm a pure ostrich with my head in the sand.

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## Allalone

Well done for being honest. Tomorrow can you please try and make that phone call?

----------


## Suzi

OK can we take it back to basics for a while? Then move upwards as we go? 

1) What is the fear with your meds? 
2) How long have you been off them?
3) Why don't you want to talk to A?

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## Strugglingmum

1) I'm scared to sleep.  Since getting hugely triggered at Christmas the nightmares have got much worse. I actually can't cope with keep reliving through my dreams.
2) been off since upset at Christmas
3) so much easier to play the fool than to have to face the fact that i'm in crisis and that my lack of coping with it is hurtling our marriage towards crisis. I'm actually thinking that his lack of wanting to talk about it either is because he doesn't care either way.

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## Suzi

1) There has to be a middle ground. Is there a definite plan as to counselling/psych to work through the triggers? What about coping strategies? 
2) Are you thinking about starting them again? 
3) Oh sweetheart I'm so sure that he is wanting to make things work and I'm sure that he is thinking something dreadful... Talk to him. I know what it's like to be on his side of the fence.. Try writing it out if it's easier?

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Strugglingmum (25-01-19)

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## Paula

I doubt that its he doesnt care. It may be that he doesnt know what to say to help you, which is why you need to talk to him, so he can help you.

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Strugglingmum (25-01-19)

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## Allalone

Hey. A cares about you hun, you’ve told me how much he means to you too. Please try and talk to him, he will be worried and probably doesn’t know what to say to you.

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Strugglingmum (25-01-19)

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## Strugglingmum

1) trauma work was going well and we were working thru things but with meeting Him at Christmas and all he said it really knocked things back. At the moment we can't get moving on anything because I am so unstable, because I'm off my meds, because of the trauma. Yup vicious circle and I can't break it on my own. 
2) I know I need to get back on them and I want to but the fear of the nightmares when I sleep at the moment is clouding everything.  Also because I am now chronically sleep deprived I'm having hallucinations which He is haunting which makes the fear worse.
3) I know. I need to sort it.

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## Allalone

:Panda:

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## Suzi

Would you take a sleeping tablet?

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## Strugglingmum

Yeah I have before short term. They are not keen to prescribe for more than 2 weeks.

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## Suzi

I understand that, but lovely, you need some sleep....

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## Strugglingmum

I know. I'll try.

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## Allalone

Hey hun. How’s things today?

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## Strugglingmum

I'm ok.  Bit flat but I'm still going.  A just asked me if I'd taken my meds today. I said no. He asked why? I just said i forgot. I know perfect chance to talk butbi just cant be bothered getting into it with him.

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## Allalone

What are you afraid of? A will only want to help. Can you not take a deep breath and go and speak to him? You know theres also a chance he knows you’re not taking them? You have fought through so much to get where you are now, why not take the next step?
You have helped to get me to where I am. I would not have taken the step I did a few weeks ago without a nudge from you. Give yourself that same nudge or take one from me now.
Love you.xx

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## Suzi

Sweetheart can you get 10 mins on your own with him? Then take a deep breath and start with 
"A I love you, I need to talk to you and I need you to listen, accept what I'm saying and not judge me. I love you and right now I really need your love and support. You know that I've had issues around christmas and this year it completely derailed me. I'll explain more when I can, but I need you to know that I haven't taken my meds since then. I can't explain it all right now, but I'm poorly and hurting and need your help to get better"

Or something...

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## Paula

AA has asked the question thats been whirring in my mind. What _are_ you afraid of?

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## Suzi

How are you doing lovely?

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## Strugglingmum

So. My psychologist phoned me and asked how it was going with cmht. She was annoyed to hear they hadn't been in touch with me. I told her at the moment I am just trying to make it thru til my psychiatry appt on Thursday and take it from there. talk about a mess.

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## Paula

Whats her plan then to get this sorted?

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## Suzi

What did she suggest?

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## Strugglingmum

She wanted to see me tomorrow but it doesn't suit me and to be honest I have nothing new to say. I know she just wants to check up on me and make sure I'm going to be ok til Thursday  . She was phoning HTT to tell them that their plan hadn't materialised but to be honest the last thing I need is my cmh worker phoning me in a strop because someone's been on her back. I'm heading to the training centre tomorrow morning. I've almost finished my ecdl so I also need to decide if I'm going to stay and try any other courses. I know now isn't the best time to be making these decisions so may be they will give me a bit of time to work it out.

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## Paula

Whats so wrong with her just checking up on you? Surely it doesnt always have to be a how do we fix it? Session, particularly as youre struggling to talk to A?

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Strugglingmum (29-01-19)

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## Suzi

How are you today? 
Hope the training centre has been good - what did you decide about other courses?

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Strugglingmum (29-01-19)

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## Strugglingmum

I'm ok. Putting one foot in front of the other. No decisions yet about courses etc. I'm going to try and get my head sorted first. 

Paula, as usual I'm worried about being a burden to her and wasting her time. I know!

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## Suzi

Would you try something for me? Each time you think you're "wasting someone's time" or "being a nuisance" or "being a burden" or anything can you try and stop yourself and answer with a DWD variation on the theme of WWJD? (What Would Jesus Do? For the uninitiated) I'm implementing... WWSS? What Would Suzi Say? If you think Suzi (that's me btw who is always right and has a framed certificate to prove it) would say that you would indeed be wasting someone's time then feel free to move on and not talk to that person... However if you think that Suzi (remember, framed certificate to prove I'm always right) might even a little bit say that you should take them up on their offer of help or an appointment then you are to do just that. Also when dealing with pretentious, stuck up workers who don't know how to treat people you can also use this really handy WWSS? Suzi would tell you to be polite and then ask them to leave so you can make arrangements for someone who isn't such a complete knobjockey to take their place - all with a smile on your face (and yes, I've done this too for Marc...)

OK, so WWSS??

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Jaquaia (30-01-19),Strugglingmum (29-01-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Oh you made me laugh!!! Thank you.

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## Suzi

LAugh? I made you LAUGH??? I, my darling, was totally serious!  :):  (Good, I'm glad it made you laugh!)

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## Strugglingmum

Out tonight to help distract. Been in all day. Glad to be getting out and even to be among people for a change.

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## Jaquaia

Hope you have fun!

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## Suzi

Hope you have a brilliant time lovely.

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## Strugglingmum

Don't know what I've done but I have the most horrific pain in my lower back and right hip and groin and shooting down my leg.
I so hope it's not another visit from Mr sciatica. Haven't had a visit from him in a couple of years. 
That's that extra weight I've piled on recently I bet. Blooming Christmas and no willpower. 
Diet is back with a vengeance!

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## Mira

That sounds painful. Could it be wrong movements or perhaps stress? Thats what gets my lower backpain back real painful.

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Strugglingmum (31-01-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Pain a little easier this morning.  My husband thinks its coming from higher up and certainly there is a point up between my shoulder blades on my spine that is aching now after he pressed it.  He has a good osteopath so he is phoning today to try and get me an appointment asap. 
How are you doing Mira? 
Im heading to the training centre I attend today but I will not be working in the kitchen!!

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## Paula

I hate back pain, it affects everything  :(: . I hope you get an appointment quickly. Please rest in the meantime  :(bear):

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## Suzi

Sciatica sucks, I have that...  :Panda: 
Please make sure you are being kind to it and you today...

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## Mira

Well i hope you got an appointment as soon as possible. I am on a roller-coaster myself. Trying to get some of ky hobbies going. Thanks for asking.

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## Suzi

How are you SM?

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## Strugglingmum

Back sore again today andcworse tonight. A forgot to phone osteopath so just taking painkillers as needed.

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## Suzi

Hope you can get in to see him tomorrow...

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## Strugglingmum

So tonight I had 6 people that I didn't know for dinner. 
Yup I know.... nightmare. 
It's an initiative in our church called Table for 8. 
You sign up and are placed in a group with others and the idea is you get together for a meal or coffee or go bowling or something. The church is quite big so it's a way to help people get to know others.
A signed us up and offered us to host. I cooked an Asian buffet. The cooking was the easy bit, even the cleaning wasn't too bad.
But I survived. I actually had a nice time once the nerves settled and everyone had some food and they were all nice and we had a laugh. 
A was happy. We used to host dinner parties a lot before I got sick so I think he enjoyed what used to be a very normal Saturday night for us. 
I am proud of me to be honest. I'm knackered now.  Ready for bed very soon.

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## Paula

I am soooooooooooo proud of you! Thats a HUGE achievement!

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Strugglingmum (03-02-19)

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## magie06

Ooooh! Well done!!! That's AMAZING! You really are a huge inspiration.

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Strugglingmum (03-02-19)

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## Allalone

Well done you!! I’m so proud, you are blooming awesome!!

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Strugglingmum (03-02-19)

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## OldMike

Wow that's brilliant, well done  :(clap):

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Strugglingmum (03-02-19)

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## Suzi

Wow! That's amazing! So, do you now go to other people's houses? 
Sounds like fun!

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Strugglingmum (04-02-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Have been very wiped today but have managed church this morning and this evening but had a 2hr nap in between. 
The thing with enjoying something as simple as having a meal with people is that it can cost so much for The next day and the day after etc. 
Learning what is worth the cost and what isn't is a big part of living with any chronic illness and I think I'm just beginning to understand that. 
Sometimes I get so frustrated at the things I haven't the energy or headspace for. I used to be such a whirlwind and a real force of nature. I saw nothing in my way and nothing was a task too big.  Accepting that life is different now has been hard and tbh I'm not exactly sure I have accepted it fully. However in accepting that this is how it is now I also need to hope that it won't always be like this. It might never be what it was again but I need to hold on to the hope that it wont always be what it is now. 
I am learning to choose hope. The alternative is not that attractive.... I know I've been stuck there a long long time.

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## Paula

> I am learning to choose hope.


*beams from ear to ear*

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Strugglingmum (04-02-19)

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## Suzi

I am so seriously proud of you!!!! You are amazing!

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Strugglingmum (04-02-19)

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## OldMike

Very positive post there SMum we may not get things back the way they used to be but we _can_ get to a better place (if that makes sense).

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Strugglingmum (04-02-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Appointment for the osteopath tomorrow. Although he does a lot of other therapies so he will do whatever he thinks best.  A always gets some acupuncture when he goes. He also recommends a lot of natural remedies. I am a bit anxious about going as A has told him before about my mental health problems and he was keen to see me to try alternative therapies for it.  I don't need any derailing at the moment , I'm just getting back on track. Will have to be strong and keep the focus on my back, although I have had alternative therapies for it before and its been great. 
Sorry waffling. That's the anxiety letting me know its there. 
I'm a strong mature woman who can say , "no thank you"     I am, I am, I am.

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## Flo

Absolutely!!...go with your gut!

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Strugglingmum (04-02-19)

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## Paula

I completely agree with you, adding something new may be something for a time in the future, but now is almost certainly not that time

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Strugglingmum (04-02-19)

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## Suzi

I agree too! Go, be strong and stay on track x

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Strugglingmum (04-02-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Well i am well manipulated.  A bit tender but in a different way than the pain before the appointment. He also did some general relaxation and showed me positions that naturally relax the body and cause you to breathe deeper and more effectively and therefore relax the body more. I also have exercises to do to help encourage and keep the new proper alignment.  I had 3 issues in my pelvis, 1 at the lower end of my ribcage and 1 right up at my neck.  I need to learn to relax properly ( no  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  Sherlock) he has shown me ways to do that so hopefully it Will keep my body in better shape.

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## Paula

One of those it gets worse before it gets better moments? I sympathise, lovely, Im surgically attached to my heat pad tonight  :O: . Rest up, hun

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Strugglingmum (05-02-19)

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## Strugglingmum

> One of those it gets worse before it gets better moments? I sympathise, lovely, Im surgically attached to my heat pad tonight . Rest up, hun


Oh no. Poor you I really can sympathise. My sciatica was so bad I couldnt sit down. last night I had to sleep on my back with my right leg flung over A's back ( he had his back to me) and my left leg bent up at 90○. Needless to say it was a long night for both of us :(rofl):  ..... and draughty!!!

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## Suzi

How are you today lovely?

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## Strugglingmum

Lower back is good. Between my shoulders is achey but he said it would be. Otherwise I'm good. Feeling a lot more positive recently and hopeful.

----------

Allalone (07-02-19),Paula (06-02-19)

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## Allalone

That’s so good to hear. 
You are one fantastic fighter, be proud of yourself.x

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## Suzi

So pleased for you  hunni... 

How are you doing with taking your meds?

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## Strugglingmum

> So pleased for you  hunni... 
> 
> How are you doing with taking your meds?



I am working up my quetiapine.  Haven't even thought about my AD yet. Dr suggested starting with my quetiapine and taking it from there. I'm almost back to my full doseage of quetiapine so happy with that. my mood is ok. I'm a bit more stable so not sure if I'll restart my AD. It's well out of my system and my mood hasn't plummeted. Although if i want to restart trauma work I might need it. Anyway. That's for another day.  :O:

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## Suzi

That's brilliant! Well done! I'm so glad the quetiapine has helped and you're taking it!

----------


## Paula

Youre being really sensible about the meds. Apart from anything else, throwing too many new/additional meds into the mix all at once means you wont know whats working for you.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Was away all weekend with our youth group. 61 11-16 yr olds and 20 of us mad leaders (some of us even have madness certificates!!)
Had a ball, lost my voice, found my sense of fun and stayed well. 
Aim for this week is to stay well and do what I need to do to stay well.
Looks like it's been busy and interesting on here. Will catch up soon with everyone's antics but just wanted to say Hi to you all.

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## Allalone

Pleased you had a great weekend.x

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Strugglingmum (11-02-19)

----------


## Paula

Found my sense of fun - that is such a fabulous thing to hear  :(party):

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Strugglingmum (11-02-19)

----------


## Suzi

That's awesome!!!! So proud of you!

----------


## Jaquaia

That sounds awesome! Well done!

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## Strugglingmum

Got up at 6:15am to get everyone sorted. 
My daughter had a migraine so I left her in bed. Got the rest sorted and went back to bed. 
People I slept til 11:30am. 
Can't believe it. Youth weekends obviously need a lot of recovery time :(giggle):

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## Paula

Absolutely they do - after such awesomeness at the weekend, you deserve a lay in  :):

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Strugglingmum (11-02-19)

----------


## Allalone

You obviously needed it!

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Strugglingmum (11-02-19)

----------


## Suzi

So glad you had a lie in! You desperately needed it obviously!

----------

Strugglingmum (11-02-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Feeling a bit blah today and really don't know why. There is no reason in the world for it.
Everyone is just irritating me and if I bite my tongue any harder I'll never be able to speak again. 
Yet I know it's me. They are not being any more annoying than usual, my tolerance and patience are low. 
I even started on A because 'All he ever does is look at his phone or sleep' .
I may need to go out to the garage and visit the punch bag, yet I don't feel angry just prickly. 
I started knitting a jumper on Thursday, I've had to restart it for the fifth time now because of mistakes.... It's an easy pattern but not easy to rip back and pick up stitches so each time I've taken it right back to the band.  :@: 

Grrrrr... darned mental health!! 
Husband and 3 kids free to good home.... any home.....or cardboard box considered.  :X:

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## Paula

:Panda:  theres doesnt always have to be a reason, hunni. Can you curl up on the sofa with a book, or something, and ban them from the living room for a bit?

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Strugglingmum (17-02-19)

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## Suzi

I agree with Paula.. Not always a reason...

----------

Strugglingmum (17-02-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

All the family still alive and well and haven't been rehomed. 
I went out to church.  Did me good and gave them a break!!

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Paula (17-02-19)

----------


## Suzi

Hi hunni, how are you today?

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## Strugglingmum

Was at the centre today and then met my daughter to run some errands. One of those busy busy days. Left home at 7:30am and arrived home at 6:15pm .
That used to be my norm and now I'm knackered!! Feet up rest of the night. 
Washing machine has been ill for a while and is now truly dead. Hubby swapped buying me flowers for Valentine's day to a new washing machine instead..... I feel loved. Lol
Awk well worse things happen at Sea. 
Form a bit better today. Maybe I'm too knackered to be prickly. 
Actually as I write this my husband is sitting eating a magnum ice cream and I want to punch him for making crunchy eating noises..  Not as great as I thought :(giggle):

----------


## Paula

Tbh, Id have punched him for having a magnum when I didnt have one  :(giggle): 

So glad todays been a little lighter

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Strugglingmum (18-02-19)

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## Suzi

I'm with Paula, I'd have kicked the crap out of him for that!

----------

Strugglingmum (18-02-19)

----------


## magie06

Rule in this house - no-one gets to eat anything unless they offer the same thing to everyone in the room. I thought this was A RULE.

----------

Suzi (19-02-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Tbh it wasn't that he was having one and I wasn't, it was more the fact that he was making eating noise. I really am sensitive to it. Especially when I'm a bit fragile, tolerance and ability to block it out is low. I can't sit with people eating crisps, cereal, toast or anything crunchy. I actually feel like ripping it out of their hands and screaming at them viciously. Is it any wonder my kids call me womanzilla!! Although to be fair I have never given into the urge, I just remove myself..... speedily :X:

----------


## Mira

My sister has that too. She needs distraction when people are eating. She can hear everything. So we normaly turn on the radio or talk a lot to help her not notice the eating sounds. I bet it can be distresfull at times.

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Strugglingmum (19-02-19)

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## Suzi

I hate it too!!

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Strugglingmum (19-02-19)

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## Strugglingmum

I'm tired today and still feeling a bit lower than I had been recently.. 
Anyway. At least I'm pushing myself to go out. 
Was at my training centre today. Found it a bit hard but I just kept reciting in my head
Not my monkeys, not my circus. 
It's permission to myself not to get involved in things that I don't have to, not to get drawn into others dramas. I find it hard as I've always tried to help others or been the one people look to when they want to gripe or sound off or someone to take their side.
Easy evening tonight.
I've booked myself a treat for tomorrow. Yesterday I was at the salon with my daughter  getting her hair trimmed. They were advertising cashmere lashes for £20. It's been so long since I splashed out on a beauty treatment that it swayed me and I booked. I have short stubby eyelashes and when I was working I got them done regularly. Because I nursed I could never get my nails done so treated myself to lashes instead. I do feel a bit guilt for splashing out but hey..... this woman got a washing machine for Valentine's day!! I deserve a treat  :(giggle):

----------

Jaquaia (19-02-19),magie06 (19-02-19),OldMike (19-02-19)

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## Paula

Its self care, gorgeous, and definitely counts as important to your mental health as any medication  :):

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Strugglingmum (19-02-19)

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like you deserve it to me!

----------


## Strugglingmum

A bit emotional today.
My daughter went to town with me today and even went to the salon with me to get my lashes done. Normally she would have stayed in the car. She has spent time just tailing me round the house today too. It's been so so long.  :(clap):

----------


## Suzi

That's awesome! How are the lashes?

----------


## Paula

Thats amazing!  :(happy):

----------


## Strugglingmum

Someone likened me to a Highland coo!!! :Surprised:

----------


## Suzi

How rude!!

How are you today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I slept late....
. Yes folks I slept all night no nightmares!! 
It's been busy but good today. Finally bit the bullet and kicked a bit of co fidence into me and opened my Etsy shop. 
Should I sell nothing.... I put myself out there.  That's a positive. 
I've been so low past few days that it really cost me to dig deep but guess what... I'm stronger than I think sometimes.

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo!!! No nightmares is awesome! Sleeping late is also awesome! 
I'd love to see your etsy shop! 
You are totally stronger!

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Strugglingmum (21-02-19)

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## Jaquaia

Definitely want to see the shop!!!

That's huge lovely! You're brilliant!

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Strugglingmum (21-02-19)

----------


## Paula

Thats awesome news!!! (and another thatd love to see your Etsy shop  :O: )

----------

Strugglingmum (21-02-19)

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## Mira

I love browsing on Etsy. I would like to see yours.

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Strugglingmum (21-02-19)

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## Strugglingmum

aw thanks for your support everyone. Its all baby stuff. My shop name is CalandoniaCrochet. 
It is definitely a step to get me feeling a bit more useful and more capable than I have been last couple of years. 
I've told myself if it is a huge disaster it does not mean I'm a failure...people just don't like my stuff on Etsy. 

Feel like I may need to make another mantra.  :P:

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## Suzi

Erm, link? As a regular forum member you can put a link in your signature if you would like to  :O:

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Jaquaia (22-02-19),Strugglingmum (22-02-19)

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## Strugglingmum

[URL="https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/CalandoniaCrochet"]

Thanks Suzi.

http://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/CalandoniaCrochet

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## Jaquaia

It's all beautiful!!!!

----------

Strugglingmum (22-02-19)

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## Suzi

Those are all so beautiful! I do think you might have underpriced yourself a bit though...

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Strugglingmum (22-02-19)

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## magie06

They are beautiful. I love the colours and the patterns. They look so soft and cuddly. Your tension is so even. Absolutely beautiful.

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Strugglingmum (22-02-19)

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## Strugglingmum

> They are beautiful. I love the colours and the patterns. They look so soft and cuddly. Your tension is so even. Absolutely beautiful.


Thanks so much Magie. That's lovely to hear.  :(blush):

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## magie06

You have put so much time and effort into them, you should be told how good they are!

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Strugglingmum (24-02-19)

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## Mira

I am not joking. If I could fit in any of it I would order some.

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Strugglingmum (25-02-19)

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## Paula

Oh my, theyre beautiful  :(inlove):

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Strugglingmum (25-02-19)

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## Suzi

I love crochet and I know how much time, love and care went into those! You should be proud!

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Strugglingmum (25-02-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Have to say, felt pretty good going to the post office to mail my first order. It's real, somebody bought something I made. 
What was really lovely was when I told my tutor at my training centre, he was grinning with delight he was so pleased for me and gave me a huge hug. 
Otherwise my mood has been a bit all over the place but on the whole its been more up but the downs have been really down

----------


## Jaquaia

That's brilliant!

----------


## Suzi

That's so awesome! 

Can I ask what meds you are taking atm? Have you started the anti d's again?

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## Paula

:(party):  hugely deserved!!

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## Strugglingmum

> That's so awesome! 
> 
> Can I ask what meds you are taking atm? Have you started the anti d's again?


I have worked up to my full dose of quetiapine but hadn't gone back on my ad because on the whole I am ok its just the bad dips.

----------


## Suzi

That's so brilliant! I am SO proud of you!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Started a course today at our trust recovery college on Assertiveness. It's 1 afternoon a week for 4 weeks.
It's been good so far and the other students are lovely. Hoping to get my head in a better place with regards to believing in myself.

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## Paula

Thats really good to hear  :):

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Strugglingmum (01-03-19)

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## Suzi

If you can believe in yourself even a tiny %age of how much we believe in you then you'll be even more awesome than you are already!

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Strugglingmum (01-03-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Eekks!! As well as my Etsy shop I just opened a Facebook page as well to sell stuff to order. Only a small selection at present. 
Baby steps towards hopefullly feeling useful and worthwhile again. 
Trying to shrug off the label of being 'the sick one' or the 'unable to cope one.

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## Paula

:(party):  :(party):

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Strugglingmum (01-03-19)

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## OldMike

Just had a quick peek at your Esty shop, those baby clothes are brilliant, such talent.

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Strugglingmum (01-03-19)

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## Jaquaia

You're brilliant!!!

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Strugglingmum (01-03-19)

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## Mira

Its so sad when I read about people having a hard time believing in themselfs. Even more on this forum. Because everyone here is great one way or another but in more ways then one.

Your username is strugglingmum. And you could do with believing in yourself more. I am sure everybody here sees it differently as well as I do. 

You are raising 3 kids. Thats not an easy task but you are giving it the best you got. I can read that from your posts. You opened up a shop on etsy and made your first sale. You are kind and caring to the people here.

I know struggle comes with how our issues grab us. But when i think of you its not strugglingmum that comes to mind if i needed a word to sum you up. 

Your amazing. That through your struggle you still give it your all to do all this.

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Jaquaia (01-03-19),Paula (01-03-19),Strugglingmum (03-03-19),Suzi (02-03-19)

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## Suzi

A very valid and well said post Mira! I completely agree... 

SM, if you ever fancy changing the "struggling" to something more "super" just let me know  :O:

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## Strugglingmum

> Its so sad when I read about people having a hard time believing in themselfs. Even more on this forum. Because everyone here is great one way or another but in more ways then one.
> 
> Your username is strugglingmum. And you could do with believing in yourself more. I am sure everybody here sees it differently as well as I do. 
> 
> You are raising 3 kids. Thats not an easy task but you are giving it the best you got. I can read that from your posts. You opened up a shop on etsy and made your first sale. You are kind and caring to the people here.
> 
> I know struggle comes with how our issues grab us. But when i think of you its not strugglingmum that comes to mind if i needed a word to sum you up. 
> 
> Your amazing. That through your struggle you still give it your all to do all this.


Aw you made me smile (and tear up a bit Mira) 
I'm only seeing this now as my internet has been playing up and I can't get connection in the house at all. I've been pouncing on any free wifi I can get!!  :(blush): 
That's lovely to read. I do feel strugglingmum is a good name for me as I find parenting the hardest thing to keep working at and being a mum is the thing that has crumbled a lot since my illness. I do struggle to keep being mum. When the darkness sweeps over me I'm not a very good mum. It takes every ounce of fight to stay on my 2 feet and still be here for them. 
However, it's a fight worth fighting and it's a fight I'm no longer willing to lose.!!

----------

Suzi (04-03-19)

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## Jaquaia

> However, it's a fight worth fighting and it's a fight I'm no longer willing to lose.!!


I can't love this bit enough!

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Strugglingmum (05-03-19)

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## Paula

> I do feel strugglingmum is a good name for me as I find parenting the hardest thing to keep working at and being a mum is the thing that has crumbled a lot since my illness. I do struggle to keep being mum. When the darkness sweeps over me I'm not a very good mum. It takes every ounce of fight to stay on my 2 feet and still be here for them.


Yet this is the perfect description of being a great mum. Despite everything, youre going through, you put your children and their well-being first. Despite struggling so much, all that matters to you is that theyre ok. Dont underestimate what youre doing for them, lovely

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Strugglingmum (05-03-19)

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## Suzi

I can't agree enough with what has been said. I don't think you'll ever find a "good mum" who thinks they're a "good mum!" Every Mum I know can write a list as long as you like about their weaknesses or "failings", but ask them to write a list of the things they do well? It's a very different story and that's without the chronic illness guilt..........

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Strugglingmum (05-03-19)

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## magie06

There was a video doing the rounds recently about mum's and how they described their parenting skills. It was heartbreaking to watch it. But then they interviewed the children and the same question was asked. What's the best thing about mum? The answers were so lovely I was blubbering for ages. NONE of the kids saw the struggles, they ALL only saw the LOVE. It was a real eye opener. 
We all struggle, but I think we all win in our children's eyes. Maybe we should listen to them a little bit more.

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Paula (04-03-19),Strugglingmum (05-03-19),Suzi (04-03-19)

----------


## Suzi

I can't agree more with Magie. Listen to your children. Sometimes it's best to ask them how they feel - there's nothing more honest than children. 
I told mine that I felt guilty because I hadn't done xyz with them and they told me that they had the best thing in the world and that was hugs whenever they wanted them. Yes I proudly admit I sobbed for hours..... 
Talk to them.

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Strugglingmum (05-03-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Unfortunately my daughter has a very similar view to me.
I broke her world, her security, her foundation. Everything crumbled when I fell apart. 
My hugs are unwanted and refused as is any physical contact. She has other people in her world she loves enough to hug, not many, but some. 
Hence her journey with CAMHs.  
However. I know that in her way it is a defence from being hurt again, she just doesn't realise the damage she is doing to her own life by closing it down so much, trusting no-one letting no-one in. 
Although it hurts like hell I let her know I love her and want to show her I love her. Refusal hurts but I need to leave the way open to her.
I remain hopeful that some day I will prove to her that she can rely on me again. 
I guess knowing your mum tried to leave you by attempting suicide is a bitter pill to swallow but I cannot change that fact. We both have to move on.

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## magie06

It's difficult to rebuild trust. That's what's missing, and it can be rebuilt, it just takes time. You will get there.

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Strugglingmum (05-03-19)

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## Suzi

Have you thought about writing her a letter and telling her how you feel and how much you love her?

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Strugglingmum (05-03-19)

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## Paula

Magies right, you will get there. Shes not quite as extreme but my youngest regularly rejects me. I was looking through some things just now and found a thread I entitled Jess, again, which speaks volumes. She hates that I have mental and physical disabilities and blames me. Its so, so hard to deal with, especially when she tells me that we just dont like each other and have nothing in common. All I can do is make sure she knows I love her and hope she will come around in time.  What I dont accept, though, and neither should you is her being rude and disrespectful. Ive raised her, given her a nice home and a good, loving family life. Im there for everything she needs me for, whether she likes it or not.For that, I deserve her respect. And so do you

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Strugglingmum (05-03-19),Suzi (05-03-19)

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## Strugglingmum

> Have you thought about writing her a letter and telling her how you feel and how much you love her?


I have Suzi. 
I wrote her one last year. 
She refuses to talk to me about it. In her head she says the right thing.... I know its not your fault you got sick mum......I know you love me..... I don't blame you but her actions say the opposite.
Just recently she made a comment which shows we might be making headway, 
She said ....I just had to grow up too quickly.
It's the first time she has openly admitted my illness has affected her. 
I know we will get there eventually.

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## Suzi

If ever she wants to talk she'd be welcome to create an account here and she can use the under 18's section.

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## Strugglingmum

I'm completely in a whirl this morning.
We have a Camhs appointment.  My daughter dropped a brick on me today when she commented on her way out the door to school, oh yes I better remember my food diary. 
Food diary! What food diary??
I remember last time they took her to weigh her and talked about her needing to drink more. My head is spiralling. What are they not telling me?
Her weight doesn't look bad. She is a nice size and shape. she does talk about friends who have been sectioned because of anorexia but she is healthy looking. Is she bingeing and purging? is she starving herself? My mind is out of control.  I honestly don't know how to do this. I'm meeting her later at the clinic for her appointment and I'm totally in turmoil.  Surely they would have to tell me if there was an issue with her eating, wouldn't they?? I know she is17 but that is still legally a child. I have messed this kid up so badly maybe they dont think im a fit person to tell. Maybe they phoned her dad and he is keeping it from me too. Maybe they are all in it together and I'm just the bad parent they tell nothing to because its call my fault anyway.m

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## Paula

Woah! Stop. Breathe. There could be any number of reasons theyve asked her to do this and it may just be precaution. Right now you dont know why so please dont borrow trouble. I will say, that children aged 16 and 17 are presumed to have capacity wrt their medical treatment so they dont have to tell you whats going on - if they havent told you something (if theres anything to tell) its got nothing to do with whether youre a fit person and its because its her right to have confidentiality.

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OldMike (07-03-19),Strugglingmum (06-03-19),Suzi (06-03-19)

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## Mira

Paula makes excelent points. Try to breath and take it moment for moment  :(bear):  :(bear):

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Strugglingmum (06-03-19)

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## magie06

What time is the appointment? What Paula said makes perfect sense. Take a few deep breaths, it may be nothing. But I know the worry won't go away until you talk to her. It's only another few hours until school is finished. Try to be kind to yourself until then. Thinking of you.

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OldMike (07-03-19),Strugglingmum (06-03-19)

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## Suzi

Paula's definitely right!!! I hope you've calmed down a bit by now hunni. If you have concerns talk to them at cahms about it - tell them your fears. It only works when everyone is on the same page so to speak....

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OldMike (07-03-19)

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## OldMike

Paula is right she has the right to her own space, at 16/17 it is up to her whether she tells you or not. You may be worrying about nothing, have asked her about her food diary and why she is keeping one?

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## Paula

Hows things, sweetie?

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## Strugglingmum

Its all a mess. 
I had a psychology appointment today so talked a lot of it through. 
Apparently I have to allow my daughter to self destruct if that is her choice to do so. Apparently at 17 she has it all worked out and has the right to choose harmful coping mechanisms.
Well I'm sorry but that's a pile of  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: . 
I see a hurt damaged young girl who is frightened, feels let down and abandoned by the one person she thought she could rely on and is lashing out in her pain against herself and the world.
Apparently that's not helpful for me to think that way.

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## Paula

Yep, that is a pile of  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: . Yes, at 17 its time for parents to start to step back and its right that she has the right to confidentiality, even from mum. But to allow her to self destruct with no input from you? No, no, no. Shes your daughter and needs you now more than ever.

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## Suzi

What a load of crap! Ben's 18 and struggling, I'm by no way going to sit back and let him self destruct! Oh hunni, that's horrible...

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## Strugglingmum

I'm done. I'm tired I have nothing useful to contribute. 
 I simply said that I had concerns that I was not fully aware of all the issues that my daughter had and felt we could not be of any help if we didn't know all the facts. Ok i teared up as i was saying it.It was suggested that if attending sessions with my daughter was going to upset me then I was detrimental to her healing process as I was only piling guilt on her on top of everything else.
Feeling really  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  about it all. 
I've really had enough. But yet I'm her mum. I love her. I guess letting go is all that's left for our relationship.  
Fighting for her is apparently wrong and damaging.

----------


## Paula

No, its not wrong or damaging and Im furious they made you feel this way. Is there anyone else you can talk to about it? Thats disgusting!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Talking to my psychologist helped calm me a bit. 
She is going to see about family therapy. CAMHS are rightly all for my daughter but I feel they are weakening our family unit so she is looking for an impartial service that can help us find a way forward.

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## Suzi

How dare they? That's the most unhelpful and total load of  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: . 
I'm so glad you have your psychologist because to be fair comments like those could be enough to push any mother who is feeling bad anyway over the edge... What they have said is wrong. Fighting for your children can never be wrong.

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## Strugglingmum

Not sure if this is allowed so if necessary admin can remove.
Just wanted to share about a fantastic resource I have found to help with my anxiety. 
It's an app called Mindshift.(it's free)
You create an account and log mood etc but there are fantastic helps for coping in the midst of anxiety. If I'm feeling anxious I can open the app and I can choose some coping strategies and do them right there with the app. It could be cyclic breathing or positive statements or grounding techniques. It is a really useful tool for me and if like me anxiety is a huge issue this could be helpful.

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Flo (11-03-19),magie06 (10-03-19),OldMike (10-03-19),Paula (10-03-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Totally allowed! Might be worth sticking it in the self care section too lovely!

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## magie06

That sounds like a good resource to have at your fingertips.

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## Suzi

Please do add it to the self care area!  :):

----------


## Flo

Sounds good to me!....anything that can help with anxiety is a bonus.

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## Strugglingmum

We seem to have finally got our internet issues sorted.
Hopefully we have full service again.....I wait to be Impressed. 
Anyway I have really missed being able to log on here whenever I wanted. I have been lonely without you guys.....and very struggling.  :P:

----------


## Suzi

I've missed seeing you around! It's good to hear your internet should be fixed!

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Strugglingmum (12-03-19)

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## Paula

So glad youve got that sorted!

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Strugglingmum (12-03-19)

----------


## magie06

So glad that you will be able to post more frequently. You've been missed.

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Strugglingmum (12-03-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Went to the training centre today. I enjoyed being out and I was able to have the car so was nice to be a bit independent . Tomorrow i have my daughter's parent teacher interviews so I get the car for that too :): 
The weather is getting really windy and stormy as we wait for Storm Gareth to hit. Last night our garden she'd blew down .... though to be honest I could have pushed it down with my pinkie , but it is where our cats spend a lot of time so they are spending more time in the house today..... which is annoying the dog!!  :(giggle): 
Any way. Lovely to be back. I'm doing ok. I'm getting better at recognising when I need a recharge day and actually allowing myself to take it. I am so much better than I was but I also realise I still have a way to go. Progress indeed

----------

OldMike (12-03-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

That sounds really positive!

----------


## Paula

Really great progress  :(party):

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like massive progress lovely.

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## Strugglingmum

Parent teacher interviews today for and with my daughter. They went ok, her teachers are now aware how much her mental health is affecting her work but Have given her lots of encouragement that she can do really well if she can work at settling her anxiety. 
Have cancelled plans for tonight. No spoons left and have my assertiveness class tomorrow at the recovery college so need to recharge to brave the return bus journey to the town. Thankfully I had left a chilli cooking in the slow cooker so dinner sorted. 
Hope everyone is doing ok.  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Well done lovely! Rest this evening! 
So glad that they are aware of how bad things have been for her and are helping her x

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Strugglingmum (13-03-19)

----------


## Paula

Im so proud of you for reserving spoons  :):

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## Strugglingmum

> I’m so proud of you for reserving spoons


Thanks Paula. I'm starting to work out the difference between 
I can't do that (but actually can if I just give myself the push I need...the low motivation cant) and
I can't do that. (I seriously cant and will set myself back if I do and I and my family will suffer).
People don't get it, I no longer care. Xx

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Jaquaia (13-03-19),OldMike (13-03-19),Paula (13-03-19)

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## Jaquaia

You're absolutely awesome!

----------


## Paula

Its a hard thing to learn - Im not sure any of us have quite mastered it yet  :O:

----------


## Suzi

Pacing is so hard, and the hardest thing is to not to beat yourself up when you have to say "no".... I'm still learning along with everyone else. I don't know anyone who has it mastered....

----------


## Mira

Its true. I am as far away from an expert as possible. But a lot of people are. Be kind to yourself. You are a good person. Your doing your best.

----------

Paula (14-03-19)

----------


## Suzi

Hope today is going well lovely...

----------


## Strugglingmum

I got up as usual just after 6am but my bp must have been low. I ended up having to lie down on the kitchen floor as I was going to faint. anyway got them all sorted and went back to bed and slept. I have my course today. I want to go but I'm struggling with the idea of the bus. I'll see how I feel in a while as I'll have to go get the bus in under an hour. I know if I don't go I'll be disappointed

----------


## Suzi

Have you seen the Dr about your BP? If you're feeling that ropey then maybe bussing and course may not be best?

----------


## Paula

Im with Suzi, maybe rest and fluids is the priority today?

----------


## magie06

Fluids, fluids and more fluids. I know you will be running to the loo all day, but it's worth it not to be lying on the kitchen floor. The bathroom floor might be more comfortable!!  :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing love?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thanks guys. I actually bussed it and went but I am feeling awful.
Think I might be coming down with something. 
I got off the bus, walked home , in the door and straight up to bed. 
I'm coughing, aching, busting head and just feeling ropey.  
Thankfully A is seeing to dinner for him and the kids. It smells good but I have no appetite....and that's saying something for me.
Ibuprofen taken, fluids beside me and electric blanket on. Have a feeling tonight will be unproductive.

----------


## Suzi

Aww poor you hunni! I hope some tlc and rest will help you feel much better in the morning..

----------


## Paula

:Panda:  just what you dont need right now. Big hugs, hunni

----------


## Strugglingmum

The brufen has kicked in so feeling a bit better and have eaten a little dinner.going to keep the fluids going and maybe prep for the morning so everything is done and I can lie in and they can get themselves out.

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like a brilliant idea. Hope you're resting.

----------


## Paula

Morning, sweetie

----------


## Suzi

How are you today lovely? Feeling better I hope...

----------


## Strugglingmum

Morning all. Coughing and sore chest this morning. 
Have obviously caught some old viral thing. Not feeling just so washed out today. Had a lie in. Got up had breakfast and sorted some washing. I haven't really done a lot since then. Dog is driving me mad as she is full of bounce and I'm Not!! 
Definitely an easy day ahead. Little bits of necessary chores and feet up in between.

----------


## magie06

Take it easy. That's an order! The household chores can wait till you're feeling better.

----------

Strugglingmum (15-03-19)

----------


## Paula

Nothing is more nexessary than your health! Rest!

----------

Strugglingmum (15-03-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

While I say chores, these involve machinery doing the hard work. 
Putting on the dishwasher, loading the washing machine, ok I hovered but the dog hair was annoying me.  :(giggle): 
I have lifted my crochet hook and done happy things so self care right there.

----------


## Suzi

I hope you're resting and feeling even a little bit brighter.

----------

Strugglingmum (15-03-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Have been watching Comic Relief but I'm going to have to switch off. I'm starting to get triggered and down. It's late anyway so I'm going to bed. I enjoyed the four weddings and a funeral skit so I'm quite happy. See you all tomorrow

----------


## Suzi

I can understand that - can you do something to help lift your mood a bit before bed?

----------


## Paula

Night, hunni

----------


## Suzi

Morning lovely, how are you?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Had a lie in. slept well until woke coughing this morning. 
Have been just doing the necessary, bit of washing, tidying etc. A is away to his Alpha course today and is doing the shopping on his way home. 
Got one of the boys to take the dog out for a couple of miles so I don't feel guilty that she hasn't been out. ive been taking it easy and trying to delegate. It's quite stormy here so I'm movie watching and going to get the crochet hook going soon.

----------


## Paula

Well done for pacing, hunni. Hope the cough is easing ...

----------

Strugglingmum (16-03-19)

----------


## Suzi

It's really stormy here too! Horrible! Much better to stay in and keep warm!

----------

Strugglingmum (16-03-19)

----------


## Mira

Its even stormy over here. Has been for 2 weeks now. Hope you enjoy the movie.

----------

Strugglingmum (16-03-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

A and I made the family homemade Chinese food. Takeaway not on the budget this week. I'm feeling a bit low in mood but I'm hoping its because I've been a bit rough physically and not my mood dropping. 
I find now that my mood is improved a bit, I worry more if it lowers a bit. I start worrying about going back to where I was before. Is that normal?  
Other than that I'm chilling. Enjoying hearing about all the cakes etc although I feel I'm putting weight on just reading them :(giggle):

----------


## magie06

Those thoughts are perfectly normal. Each time I have a crisis, I expect a long stay in hospital against my will and experimental ECT being carried out on me. I know it's irrational, but it doesn't stop me having those thoughts.

----------


## Paula

My mood drops when Im physically ill, too. Im sure its that thats affecting you. I hope youve got a quiet day planned tomorrow, you need to recharge ...... Worrying over going back to the worst is normal, hunni, but youve got coping mechanisms and support you didnt have before - youll be ok

----------


## Suzi

Huge hugs to all of you  :(bear):

----------


## Paula

Morning, lovely, how are you?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Still feeling rough. Not sure how much is physical and how much mental. 
Didn't go to church but our service is live stream on Facebook so I can join in and listen and sing along. 
A says he will give me a wave :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Live streamed? What a flipping awesome idea! Enjoy! 

Be kind to you today, lots of rest and recuperation.

----------

Strugglingmum (17-03-19)

----------


## Mira

Thats nice, that its possible to follow through facebook. 

Its always difficult to say how much is mental and physical. But one of the best things to do is being kind to yourself  :(bear):

----------

Strugglingmum (17-03-19)

----------


## Paula

I love that idea! I think Ill have to pass that idea on to my church  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (17-03-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I obeyed my husband and didnt set an alarm for this morning. He said he would get the family up and out. I slept until 12:30pm.  :Surprised: 
I'm not sure I'll tell him he was right...I needed sleep. anyway. I still dont feel great.  Have done very little and im ready for back to bed. I just want everyone to leave me alone.

----------


## Suzi

Glad you rested lovely. It's so important.

----------

Strugglingmum (19-03-19)

----------


## Flo

If sleep is what you need then sleep. But let hubby and the kids love you and look after you, even if you secretly prefer to be left alone.  :Panda:

----------

OldMike (18-03-19),Strugglingmum (19-03-19)

----------


## Paula

One of my biggest problems when Im ill is admitting my husband is right (normally Suzi too  :O: ) and the family can survive without me directing the troops. I hope today has helped you recup but, if youre still not 100%, there is nothing wrong with doing the same thing again tomorrow ....

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Strugglingmum (19-03-19),Suzi (18-03-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Hi all. Yesterday was a non-day. I think I slept 20 out of the 24hrs. However today I feel slightly better. I'm up and have dinner in the slow cooker and done some washing and ironing. I even went out and threw the ball around for the dog because I feel so guilty at not getting her out for her usual walks. 
I have eaten and drinking loads as I feel very dehydrated. I'm still battling my mood a bit. Yesterday was really hard with my mood so sleep was welcome. Today I can see a bit of light.

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## Suzi

All much more positive! Well done lovely!

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Strugglingmum (19-03-19)

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## Strugglingmum

What a day!!!
Started at 5:40am when my phone rang beside me on my nightstand. It was my eldest to say he had crashed his car on his way to work. 
The car is a write off but thankfully he is not. 
The front end was crumpled into a tree but he was not. 
He has hurt his legs but he will heal. 
I am so thankful that its the metal that is wrecked and not his flesh. 
My heart hasn't calmed yet and I'm very emotional but he is sitting beside me on the sofa and he is breathing and his heart is still beating. I'm a blessed mummy. this one will take a while.

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## Jaquaia

So pleased he's ok! Huge hugs lovely  :Panda:

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## Flo

Pleased he's ok!.... :(bear):

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## Paula

:Panda:  Im so glad hes ok and safe with his mum. Big hugs to you, too, lovely, having recently had that call, I know how tough it is. I also know how amazing you are being to focus on what is, rather than what could have been!

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## Suzi

Massive, massive hugs love. That's terrifying for me to read and he's not my baby! 
You are totally right, as Marc (who worked in crash repairs) always says it's a hunk of metal and the soft and squidgy bit in the middle was OK.

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## OldMike

Cars can be fixed or replaced but those inside can't, the main thing is he's okay  :(bear):   :Panda:

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## Paula

Hows your boy this morning? How are you?

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Strugglingmum (21-03-19)

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## Suzi

^^ Wss?

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Strugglingmum (21-03-19)

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## Mira

I hope today was a lot better for all of you.

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Strugglingmum (21-03-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Hi all. 
Today has been so tiring. I had psychology this morning and then the last session in my assertiveness course. I'm feeling a bit flat to be honest but after yesterday I'm sure its related. My boy is ok. Aches and pains and starting to worry about a car but otherwise bored..... I'm thankful for Xbox today!!! Keep him amused.
 I'm trying so hard to find the energy and positivity of a few weeks ago. I hate been so easily flattened. 
I was just thinking today. Of all I have done in my 47yrs on this planet, fighting for recovery from this mental illness is definitely the hardest and most exhausting..... and I have done some tough stuff. Trauma psychology is the single most hateful worthwhile thing. I swear its love/hate relationship. I know it does me good in the long run and when I actually manage to spew out some hateful memory its a fearful relief but it takes every ounce of everything I've got. 
Sorry that all sounds ungrateful. I'm truly not. It's just difficult.

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## Mira

That does not sound ungrateful at all. I think most here, if not all understand a lot about what you are going through. Its a journey, and not an easy one at that. But reading your thread and seeing how your last few weeks have been I can only say I am amazed at how you are going through with everything.

I know you are exhausted. And there where a lot of moments that where real stressfull. But I also feel you can be proud of how you are doing it.

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Strugglingmum (21-03-19)

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## Suzi

Erm, "Easily flattened?" Sweetheart you've been through a parents nightmare! You're allowed to be struggling with it.. 
You don't sound ungrateful at all!

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Strugglingmum (21-03-19)

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## Paula

Difficult is understating it a bit, lovely. Youre getting things thrown at you from all angles yet youre still standing. I think youre awesome  :):

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## Suzi

How are you doing love?

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## Strugglingmum

Morning all! 
I know. I know it's almost afternoon but I had a lie-in til 10:30.
It's stormy here today but I feel I really need to get the dog out even for a bit so going to hop up and head out and try blow some cobwebs away. Hopefully I'll not do a Dorothy from Wizard of Oz!! Although..... life with munchkins might not he too bad.
Though mine would say I'm more likely to play the role of wicked witch  :(giggle): . See you all later.
The fight is on for another day. Chin up, power stance, summoning my inner Wonder Woman.

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## Paula

See? Awesome.  :O:

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Strugglingmum (22-03-19)

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## Suzi

Totally awesome!

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Strugglingmum (22-03-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Yup. Wonder Woman disappeared and the wicked witch appeared. 
Had a blazing row with my hubby and of course the kids take his side. I'm so totally over all this. Tried clicking my heels but it won't take me to Oz.

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## Paula

Ditto, hunni, there must be something in the air ....

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## Suzi

Oh no! What about? Do you want to talk about it?

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## Flo

How are things this morning?......has everything blown over now?

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## Suzi

Hope things are more positive for you today...

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## Strugglingmum

All vision no sound here. I feel like everything within me has shut down again. My brain can't compute and my emotions are completely gone again. I feel completely dead inside and disconnected. I can't stay here and keep making them miserable. I'm no longer fit to be part of a family. I went with A and did the weekly shop so they have food. 
He is calling me by my first name....He never does that. I've broken everything. He has gone to play golf. My daughter is heading to her friends house and the boys will be fine. 
I can't go with the numb feeling again but there is nothing there. It's like it has all curled up and died inside me.

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## Suzi

Are you safe?

Sweetheart they need you. 

What happened between you and your husband?

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## Strugglingmum

I don't even know anymore. I was making plans to get things done that were getting me down, next thing he stormed out.
When he came back he said I make him feel useless because I was asking other people to do the jobs. I asked him if he had the time, energy or inclination to do the jobs. He said no. 
I said I was sorry if it made him feel useless but I'm trying to do something to make the place look better then I lost my rag and yelled he could do the damn jobs then. but something inside me died. He came later and said sorry. I said sorry for losing my temper but something has gone. I am completely shut down.

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## Paula

Oh sweetheart, Im sorry, though its always horrible arguing with your partner and especially so when youre already struggling. A loves you and this _will_ blow over - you just both need to give each other some time to cool down and then talk about it. Youre not shut down, lovely, otherwise you wouldnt care about feeling numb.

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## Suzi

I completely agree. Right now you are both hurting. Maybe give it some time and then try sitting down just you and talk?

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## Paula

Hi, lovely, how are you doing?

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## Suzi

I was coming to ask too!

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## OldMike

Just leaving these here for you  :(bear):   :Panda:

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Strugglingmum (27-03-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Thank you Mike. X

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## Suzi

How are you lovely?

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## Strugglingmum

Just saying hi and letting you all know I'm doing a bit better. Hopefully normal service will resume shortly :(nod):

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Paula (03-04-19)

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## Suzi

Thanks for checking in xx

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## OldMike

> Just saying hi and letting you all know I'm doing a bit better. Hopefully normal service will resume shortly


That's good to know, glad you popped in to give us an update  :Panda:

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Strugglingmum (03-04-19)

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## Flo

A belated Hi from me :(hi): . Glad things are looking up for you.

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Strugglingmum (04-04-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Psychiatry appointment today. Today's Dr was lovely. She didn't make me feel rushed and she listened. I'm starting a new AD so will see how that goes. She says it is also good for anxiety and for PTSD which I also suffer from so maybe this one will work better for me. I do feel like I've had enough today but with a house full of stressed teens and sick hubby I'm feeling very overwhelmed and pressured to stay as up as possible but I actually want to hide in bed.  :):

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## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

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Strugglingmum (04-04-19)

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## Jaquaia

That sounds pretty positive on the whole! What are they trying you on lovely? The others may be stressed or ill but you need to look after you too  :Panda:

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Strugglingmum (04-04-19)

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## Mira

I agree with Jaquaia, I am glad to hear how you are doing. And you are giving it your best. Thats so clear. But take it easy. Take care of yourself too.

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Strugglingmum (04-04-19)

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## Strugglingmum

> That sounds pretty positive on the whole! What are they trying you on lovely? The others may be stressed or ill but you need to look after you too


We are trying Setraline this time. I was on fluoxetine (which is in the same group) right back at the very beginning and it didn't really work but a lot has changed since then. Back then the depression was the worst condition but now my PTSD is the most troubling which then exaggerates the depression. I am trying to be positive about it and have stopped researching it online and reading the side effects!  She did say my anxiety could definitely increase in first few days but hopefully my quetiapine will keep that under control.

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## Suzi

It's definitely worth a go lovely.... Remember it will take several weeks to get into your system.

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Strugglingmum (04-04-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Started my new AD today. No nausea so far which I was dreading but do feel quite tired. But maybe that's just in my head. I went and laid down but I didnt sleep. My head is at full pace over thinking it all. 
On a plus, today is nice and sunny here. I turned over the veg patch, which I had given a hard digging a couple of weeks ago. Turnip, carrot and cauliflower planted. It's been 2 years since I planted anything so just doing a few of our favourites for now. I have 2 other patches so if I feel very motivated I will dig those over and do the usual potatoes and onions in a few weeks. Content to have something in the ground anyway :):

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## Strugglingmum

Wow. Really enjoyed that wee school on BGT. Wish I had a teacher like that at school :): 
Was chewing a toffee and pulled out half a tooth. Grrrr I hate having to go to the dentist. 
Think they are going to have to extract the rest.

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## Suzi

Well done you for getting out and planting! 

I sympathise with the tooth, mine are in a terrible state.

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## Strugglingmum

Hi all. Hope everyone is doing ok. Can't get my tooth sorted til Friday so I'm hoping I might actually lose weight this week for weigh in :(giggle): 
I haven't been up to much. Did church twice yesterday but today have been doing stuff about home. Struggling with anxiety but think it's starting the new AD . I'm very jittery but not very focussed. Anyway. Hopefully will ease as I get used to it.

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## Mira

Its good to hear from you. To bad you have to wait till friday. Weigh in, may I ask if you are following a program?

It is very possible that its the AD's. I hope it will fade soon.

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Strugglingmum (09-04-19)

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## Jaquaia

I found that the second time I started sertraline it raised my anxiety but it passed in a couple of weeks

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Strugglingmum (09-04-19)

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## Suzi

It's lovely to hear from you! Glad things are going OK. Hope that the jitteryness settles down...

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Strugglingmum (09-04-19)

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## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

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## Suzi

How are you today?

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Strugglingmum (10-04-19)

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## Mira

I just came here to ask the same. You are in our thoughts  :Panda:

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Strugglingmum (10-04-19)

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## Paula

Hey gorgeous, how are you?

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Strugglingmum (10-04-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Hi all. Today has been a bit better. I'm not so jittery. I am also in better form. I have been tracking my mood on an app now for almost 2 months. I can tell that although not wonderful, it is more stable which is what I would like to aim for. Stability!! 
I'm very boring at the moment and just keeping plodding through. There is a lot of teenage stress around the house at the moment. I have 1 doing A levels and 1 doing AS levels. Exam stress is kicking in as teachers are giving a last push before Easter hols as there is little time once they go back. My daughters technology AS project has to be finished for Friday and due to problems in sourcing materials through school it is nowhere near ready. We actually ended up purchasing materials for her to try and ease her stress. she is spending all her time on it and is falling behind in her other studies but we can worry about that after Friday. 
We have tickets to go to the theatre tomorrow night. We are so exhausted and stressed that I wanted to give them away but my husband said we are going. He will probably sleep the whole time and I'll have to keep nudging him to stop him sniring :(giggle): 
We are going to see Ghost the Musical. I do want to go as I love the music and songs but its turned in to more of another thing to stress about rather than something to look forward to. I'm sure once I'm there I'll enjoy it. I'm getting my hair done tomorrow too so that will be nice. Anyway. Hope everyone is surviving and even enjoying their day. Xx

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Paula (10-04-19)

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## Suzi

You are so busy I'm surprised you have time to breathe! I think you should go and get some relief at the theatre!

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## Strugglingmum

Got my hair done today. It's a different colour so it gives me a lift. 
A came home form work exhausted so we are not goingbto the theatre..... he is already snoring. I hate wasting money so I'm hoping someone on fb will take up my offer of the tickets. Belfast is over an hour from us so if someone doesn't take them soon then they won't be used but however..... I will release that to the ether!!!

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## OldMike

It's a pity you didn't make the theatre, no matter there will probably be another time  :(bear):

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## Suzi

OO What colour have you gone for?

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Strugglingmum (11-04-19)

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## Paula

Ive cancelled everything this week except seeing my mum and having my hair done on Sunday. Its definitely great self care - Id love to see a pic??

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Strugglingmum (11-04-19)

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## Strugglingmum

I was a dark almost black with blue tint added. Today I am still darkish but a red/purples tint. The light isn't great now to see it. I'll take a snap tomorrow in the daylight. 
Would you believe none of the men in my house (3 of them) have noticed my hair is slightly shorter..... ok why would they notice..... but its a different colour!!!  :(rofl): 
Seriously!! Men!!!  :O:  my daughter will notice when she comes in.

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## Jaquaia

That sounds lovely!!!

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Strugglingmum (12-04-19)

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## Suzi

My mother in law didn't notice when I went from natural grey and with hair half way down my back to purple and a pixie ish cut!

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Strugglingmum (12-04-19)

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## Strugglingmum

I did take a photo this morning but can't get my photobucket to open so can't share. 
Anyway. I took action this morning to act on a course I did on Daily living and Daily activities. It suggested that you make your bed as soon as you get out of it so that you are less likely to crawl back in. It worked. By 7:30am I was out for a walk and actually managed to run a mile of it. I came home showered and breakfast. Now I just need to move off the sofa :(giggle): 
Dentist today. Not looking forward to it as my anxiety soars! And its not my usual dentist (who is used to my anxiety) as she is on holiday. However i need my tooth sorted so yanking up my big girl panties and getting on with it (probably after a few tears in the corner) hope everyone's day is bearable. X

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Suzi (13-04-19)

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## Jaquaia

You've made me want to dye my own hair but I don't know what colour!!!

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Strugglingmum (12-04-19)

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## Paula

I always struggled with photobucket and now use IMGBB instead

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Strugglingmum (12-04-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Survived the dentist and it wasn't even as bad as I thought bit would be. No more rough bits in my mouth.Phew!!

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Suzi (12-04-19)

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## OldMike

> You've made me want to dye my own hair but I don't know what colour!!!


Blue, purple, pink, red, green the list is endless.

I suppose my hair (what bit remains) is a dark straw colour.

@SMum yup us men are not programmed to notice changes in hair styles or colour  :(giggle): 

Good for you on planting up your veg plot, I've not bothered this year as potatoes were a failure last year with it being so dry.

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Strugglingmum (12-04-19)

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## Strugglingmum

> Blue, purple, pink, red, green the list is endless.
> 
> I suppose my hair (what bit remains) is a dark straw colour.
> 
> @SMum yup us men are not programmed to notice changes in hair styles or colour 
> 
> Good for you on planting up your veg plot, I've not bothered this year as potatoes were a failure last year with it being so dry.


I didn't do potatoes this year. Just carrots cauli and turnip. Things we use lots of and a bit different than potatoes to try and keep my interest.

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OldMike (13-04-19)

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## Suzi

How are you today love?

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## Paula

Whenever I look meaningfully at Si any more, he defaults to a hasty hairs nice, babe just in case  :O:

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OldMike (13-04-19),Strugglingmum (13-04-19)

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## Jaquaia

:(giggle):

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## Strugglingmum

Hi all. How has today been?. I got up this morning and straight out for a walk/ run. Ran an extra few feet today but now I'm aching but it felt good to not be sitting wringing my hands with anxiety and actually be able to motivate to do something. I've been on my new AD a week now. It's early days but I do feel a bit more stable but its too soon to say. 
I've been busy with laundry today as the Sun is shining and a Gale is blowing. Good drying day. Just brought my 3rd load off the line and I've done the ironing and have a lasagne ready for the oven. I have also taken time to sit down and i have eaten properly.
Do you remember me saying I didn't like the community mental health worker I had been allocated while my CPN is on sick leave? Well she has left so I have an appt through to meet a new person in May. Hopefully it will go well and I'll be able to talk to her. Ultimately I hope my CPN comes back soon. 
Kids are now on holiday for Easter so stress is reduced for now although they will both have to be working over their break. My eldest has finally stopped limping and his leg seems to be healing well from his accident. I'm scared to say it but would be nice for a few carefree days.  :(bear):

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OldMike (13-04-19),Suzi (13-04-19)

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## Paula

I hope this continues, lovely  :):

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Strugglingmum (13-04-19)

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## Suzi

I hope you get those carefree days!
Your post sounds really positive.

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Strugglingmum (13-04-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Hi all. Isn't the fire at Notre Dame just heart breaking. Hundreds of years of history and architecture just gone. 
Today has been exhausting. I went to the training centre but I can't shake off the fatigue today. I came home and straight to bed for a sleep. Got up. Ate and back to bed again. 
I'm not sure if its still getting used to new meds or just one of those things.meds taken and ready for sleep again.  X

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## Suzi

:(bear):  :(bear):  :(bear):

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Strugglingmum (16-04-19)

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## Paula

How are you feeling this morning?

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Strugglingmum (16-04-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Feeling a bit better for a nights sleep. Up and away to the centre but starting to fade a bit now. I'll get through today and that's me finished at the centre til after Easter. 2.5 hrs to go.

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## Mira

You got this  :(y):

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## Paula

And your mood?

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## Suzi

Do you have plans for over Easter?

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## Strugglingmum

We are heading to the North coast for a couple of days as that is My happy place. I love listening to the Atlantic crash onto the shore.  My mood isn't great in fact had an anxiety attack today. Hopefully as this new med gets into my system things will improve. However I am keeping A in the loop about my mood.

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## Jaquaia

Hope tomorrow is a better day  :Panda:

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## Allalone

It’s great that you’re talking to A about your mood. Well done.
Take care hun.x

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Strugglingmum (17-04-19)

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## Paula

Im proud of you, gorgeous  :):

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Strugglingmum (17-04-19)

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## Suzi

I'm really impressed that you are talking to A about everything. That's a huge positive.

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Strugglingmum (17-04-19)

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## Mira

You are doing the best you can. Thats so good. And keeping people close by in the loop is great. It gives the other person a sense of being there with you instead of seeing you alone on an island. So even if it might not help us. It makes bonds stronger.

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Strugglingmum (17-04-19)

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## Strugglingmum

I'm still not sure how I'm feeling about this new med. I tire really easily and still get overwhelming anxiety at times. However i am persevering with it. Not a very productive day although I did go for a jog this morning with the dog.... that was a mistake!!! I'm a klutz and she is an even bigger klutz. Yup she tangled me up and I went flying. 
One advantage of living in the countryside... no one to witness the disaster that saw me land in a heap with a dog jumping on my head. No damage done thankfully apart from to my relationship with my German Shepherd!!

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## Suzi

Oh no! Are you OK? It's amazing how much it hurts when you fall over! 

How long have you been on it? Are you taking it regularly at the same time?

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## Strugglingmum

I'm fine. A bruised knee this morning.  :(giggle): 
I'm nearly 2 weeks on it so still early days. Take it everyday as soon as my phone reminder goes off. I'm being very good :O:

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Paula (18-04-19)

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## Suzi

Well done love.. 

Take care of your knee!

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## Strugglingmum

We have arrived at our guest house. It's lovely. Can't wait to get to the beach and see the waves. It's a bit overcast but dry. Windy but I can cope with that. 2 days no kids no dog no house. I've brought my crochet hook and A has brought his golf clubs.

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## OldMike

Sounds lovely if it's a choice between learning to play golf or learning crochet, crochet would win by a mile  :):  after all with crochet you do finish up with something _useful/show something for your efforts_ in the end.

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Strugglingmum (20-04-19)

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## Paula

Does sound lovely (my 2 are bickering so Im slightly jealous  :O: )

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Strugglingmum (20-04-19)

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## Jaquaia

Hope you have a lovely weekend

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## Mira

I hope you can enjoy it greatly, you deserve it.

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## Suzi

Wow! That sounds idyllic!

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## Allalone

Hope you enjoy your weekend.x

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## Strugglingmum

We had a lovely couple of days away and my mood managed to stay fairly stable, only the one bad dip. plenty of beach walks and country park walks. Ate a load of rubbish I don't normally eat.  Sure isn't that what holidays are all about. Looking forward to church this evening to celebrate Easter with our church family. He is risen. X

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magie06 (21-04-19)

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## Paula

He is risen, indeed! Happy Easter, lovely

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Strugglingmum (22-04-19)

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## Suzi

Happy Easter love!

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Strugglingmum (22-04-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Bit of a meh day. I always feel guilty when the sun is shinning and I'm not out enjoying it. I've been catching up on washing etc and trying to crochet up some orders. A was out in the garden working and I felt guilty for not helping but I just couldn't settle outside. Anyway. Tomorrow we are going to a forest park with our church for a walk and picnic. I'll get outside then. Back to the crochet.

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## Paula

Theres absolutely no reason to feel guilty, love, and especially not for not working in the garden when you were working indoors....

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Strugglingmum (22-04-19)

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## Suzi

Absolutely no reason to feel guilty! It's great that you have orders to catch up on!

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Strugglingmum (22-04-19)

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## Mira

I know what you mean, I would feel guilty too. But you did not stay in bed or watched TV. You did your thing. So indeed, nothing to feel guilty about.

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Strugglingmum (23-04-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Today was very peopley but I'm really pleased with myself that I chatted and enjoyed the day. About 100 people from our church went to a local forest park for a picnic. I actually contented myself to go on the walk and then sit with a group for our picnic. I did develop a tension headache on the way home but I lasted the day. My husband is talking about trying to get concrete delivered tomorrow for foundation's for a wall for our new patio. It will be all hands to the wheelbarrows for us. I'm nearly hoping they can't deliver :(giggle): .

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## Suzi

Reading how busy you were yesterday, I hope they can't deliver today too!

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Strugglingmum (24-04-19)

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## OldMike

If it's moving barrow loads of concrete, I think I'd arrange to be out, you need strong young men for that caper  :O:

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Strugglingmum (24-04-19)

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## Paula

Im so proud of you  :):

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Strugglingmum (24-04-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Been a busy day with the crochet hook. Concrete was delivered and in. We had a fantastically helpful lorry driver who did as much manoeuvring as he could so there was minimal wheel barrowing. ..... phew!! Changed the bed today...yes I'm a slob and it's a job that often overwhelms me. But i can't wait to get into the fresh sheets tonight so it made me smile. A is still on hols so he helped me remake the bed which was a big bonus. The rain has started here....I guess the sun is over. On a positive I don't need to water the veg plot.  :(clap): 
I really think that this new medication is helping and I'm feeling a bit more stable on it. I think I've another 10 days and then increase it.

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OldMike (24-04-19)

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## Jaquaia

That's brilliant!!!

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Strugglingmum (24-04-19)

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## Paula

Thats so fantastic to hear  :):

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Strugglingmum (24-04-19)

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## Suzi

That is so brilliant!

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Strugglingmum (24-04-19)

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## Strugglingmum

So this may make me sound very pathetic but it's honest and real. Since I took ill I have really struggled with conversation. I seem to have completely lost the art of small talk or just being able to be interested enough to want to converse with anyone for any length of time. Considering how much conversation was involved in my previous career I couldn't understand how I could think of absolutely nothing to say. I have spent so much time feeling so awkward because I have no conversation...and no real desire to get involved in talking to people. People have thought me rude, boring, stand offish etc. We have lost friends, acquaintances. I have lost the art of being a good friend. I i have 1 good friend who has stood by me but it feels like I am starting from scratch to try and make friends.
I think I am starting to notice a slight improvement. I can at least try and make an effort now. I'm nowhere near where I would like to be but a bit better.  Not being able to have a conversation. Who would come up with this as a symptom  of depression yet it has had a huge impact on my life.

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## Jaquaia

I've always been like that, at uni I had very few friends as I was so quiet and people put that down as me being standoffish. It's not pathetic at all  :Panda:

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Strugglingmum (25-04-19)

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## Suzi

I don't think it's pathetic either!

----------

Strugglingmum (25-04-19)

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## Allalone

It’s not pathetic. I know where you’re at, you’ll get there hun. One day at a time, remember.

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Strugglingmum (25-04-19)

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## Paula

Im chatty, friendly, outgoing, confident, exuberant. Until my mood crashes and I become the exact opposite. Except when Ive got the strength to pretend, but thats exhausting so I end up staying at home where I can just be itms.... I get it, hunni, and I lost a very close friend a few years ago because she couldnt cope. All I can say is that those who cant be bothered to look behind the mask to see that you needed their support, dont deserve you in their lives

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Strugglingmum (25-04-19),Suzi (25-04-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Thank you all for understanding.  Xx

----------


## Suzi

Paula's totally right once again....

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Strugglingmum (26-04-19)

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## Mira

I always want peoples approval. So my idea of doing that was make people laugh. Because i do not laugh when people i dont like are funny. So when everybody was laughing i thought I was happy but I was still miserable.

Today i went to germany with just my uncle. I was so scared. What to talk about? Oh no its a akward silence..... I should be at home alone watching snooker. 

We all struggle. But we all try our best. And i might not speak for everybody but I notice when someone is silent and a little rude because they struggle or because they are rude.

You are one of those gems worth being around  :Panda:

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Strugglingmum (26-04-19)

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## Suzi

How are you this morning love?

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Strugglingmum (26-04-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Hi all. Such a busy day with crochet orders... but its good. It gives me a focus. 
Tonight I went with A to a social night in our church. 
It was like a pub quiz....without the pub .... on music. Suzi i could have done with you!! 
Anyway, our team won. I managed to pass myself and chat but I'm absolutely exhausted now. Why do I keep comparing myself to others and wish I could be more natural/normal/outgoing!!!! Anyway I don't think I was rude or standoffish so that's a bonus. Overthinking..... my nemesis!  :(doh):

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## Jaquaia

Yep! Right there with you!!!

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Strugglingmum (27-04-19)

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## Allalone

Well done for going and winning!! 

As for overthinking isn’t that just another part of where you’re at right now? I know I do it, Jaq has said she does and I’m sure plenty of others on here will do too. You’ll get there, just think of where you were not so long ago and where you are now.......you’ve got you’re only little business going, taking your meds, talking to A. I could go on but I think you’ll get what I mean.
Be proud of where you are now and give yourself a massive pat on the back.
Well done hun.

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Strugglingmum (27-04-19),Suzi (27-04-19)

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## Jaquaia

^^wss

You've come a long, long way since you joined and I'm so proud of you

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Strugglingmum (27-04-19)

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## Suzi

I think you're awesome! To go to that social thing is so huge! Think about when you first joined here and think of the difference!

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Strugglingmum (27-04-19)

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## Paula

My ex MIL called me yesterday to see if I wanted to go to a quiz last night. I really couldnt face it so you did better than me yesterday  :O: . You should be proud of yourself!

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Strugglingmum (27-04-19)

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## OldMike

Well done on going to the quiz and winning  :(clap):

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Strugglingmum (27-04-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Thank you all. Taking a bow and patting myself on the back.  :(clap): 
Still a bit of a tiredness Hangover today. we went and did the shopping in the next town, came home, put it away and ive been on the settee since, in my blankie with the fire on, a movie and my crochet hook. Not moving today.  :knitting:

----------


## Suzi

OO What movie? Marc and I sat and watched a movie too - Men in Black 3!

----------


## Paula

I saw the trailer for the new MIB. Looks pretty good  :O:

----------


## Suzi

I think so too!

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## Strugglingmum

I'm a sop. I find a lot of movies hard to follow these days. I never used to but hey. Today was a movie recorded before Christmas and yes it was a sappy easy to follow romance. 
This evening we watched one on tv. I got the gist of it but I was crocheting at the same time. It was called 'Ghost in the shell' I think. More As type of movie but yip it was ok.
I have been hard at it again trying to get orders ready. Starting to see daylight. It's brilliant for stopping my thoughts racing. Especially on such a wet windy day.

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## Suzi

I'm so proud of you! You are doing so well!

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## Strugglingmum

Didn't manage to get to church this morning. Still not quite ready to people again but I did go for my walk/jog. Did my 4miles and managed to run nearly 2 miles of it. I'm slowly but surely getting there.
Jogging is as much about mindset and determination and to me it's a sign that my mindset is improving that I'm able to push through the hard bits and keep going. ..... it's been a long time.

----------


## OldMike

Well done you, I think a 4 mile walk is about my limit my walks are always punctuated by sitting on bench watching the world go by and chatting to any passing strangers.

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Strugglingmum (28-04-19)

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## Suzi

Go you with your jogging! I'm still working on my treadmill, although have had this week off for various reasons! 

You are working so hard!

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Strugglingmum (28-04-19)

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## Paula

> Didn't manage to get to church this morning. Still not quite ready to people again but I did go for my walk/jog. Did my 4miles and managed to run nearly 2 miles of it. I'm slowly but surely getting there.
> Jogging is as much about mindset and determination and to me it's a sign that my mindset is improving that I'm able to push through the hard bits and keep going. ..... it's been a long time.


My church is huge and I cant cope with services. But I do go to Housegroup and see my Curate for bible study and friends from the church

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Strugglingmum (28-04-19)

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## Strugglingmum

So today has been a bit of a none day. But tomorrow is another day. My kids go back to school tomorrow but only for a week or 2 as they will be going off on study leave. I don't cope well when they are at home a lot.....that probably sounds awful but I get so anxious and out of my rhythm.  Anyway hopefully I'll be ok as I will still be going out to my training centre.

----------


## Suzi

Doesn't sound bad at all. It helps if you can get them into a routine too - exercise, revision, household chore, revision, exercise, revision  :O:

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## Paula

Doesnt sound awful to me

----------


## magie06

I'm the same way. I function better when I have routine. That goes out the window during holidays.

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## Mira

Why would that be aweful? You are not saying you don't love them. Or you do not want them around. We are all set in our ways. I just got back from my trip to Germany and need to get back into things as well. Love my routine..

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## Paula

Youre quiet, lovely, you ok?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Mira! hope you had a lovely holiday. welcome back. X
Thanks all. Nice to know i'm not the only one that finds holiday time hard. 
I was at the centre today. I'm just so tired. I don't know why I haven't slept well over the weekend. I've had no trigger or anything but I'm dreaming wildly and clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth in my sleep. Going to try some meditation tonight before bed . 
Has anyone seen the ad on TV for the Calm app?. It's 30 secs of rainfall. It's so peaceful and calming. I'm going to try find the app and download it. Maybe I could listen to that and see if it relaxes me before my meds knock me out. 
Anyway, how is everyone doing?

----------



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## Paula

My Jess listen to rain sounds all night - I know that helps her loads

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Strugglingmum (29-04-19)

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## Strugglingmum

If I had that playing in the bedroom all night A would sleep on the sofa. He'd be up to the loo all night :(giggle): . I can't sleep with earphones in. My ears get sore. Anyway I found the app. You download it for free but it looks like you pay for different amounts of access. I uninstalled it again. A recorded the Atlantic crashing on our fav beach as a surprise for me. I'm going to listen to that and A can turn it off when he comes to bed. Night all. X

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## Suzi

Night lovely

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## Mira

I hope you had a good nights sleep.

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## Paula

Morning, lovely, hows things?

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing love?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hi all. Haven't slept well so today has been a real struggle. My mood is all over the place and im a bit cranky and little appetite. I struggled through my day at the centre. Tonight I'm going to take a sleeping tablet as I have no centre tomorrow and A will get the kids up and out. Hopefully a good night's sleep will get me back on track. I don't know what has upset things but I know good quality sleep is something I can not cope without.
Today I got a phonecall from my daughter's school. They want to apply for special consideration for her for her AS level exams. When they said to my daughter she told them that if she couldn't achieve the  marks on her own then she didn't want them. She wants to know that she earned every mark that she gets. I'm proud of her but also worry about her anxiety attacks affecting her exams. Anyway she excelled in her GCSE without it and she was in a worse state of mind. Hopefully she pulls it out of the bag this time too!

----------


## Paula

What an awesome kid you have! What do you think? Do you think she needs the support?

----------


## Suzi

That's so awesome! Are they making any special arrangements so she can take a break if needed etc? And yes, she sounds amazing!

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## Strugglingmum

I am getting a letter from her therapist stating her issues. It will be decided on from there. My daughter really doesn't want it but I suggested it as a safeguard in case she had a bad day and is finding it a struggle to focus and not meltdown.

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## Suzi

Always best to have a "just in case" plan  :O:

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## Strugglingmum

I slept!! And feel a lot better for it. Might actually get some motivation going today to do things. (Much needed things) :(giggle):

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## Allalone

It’s good that you slept. Enjoy your day!

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Strugglingmum (01-05-19)

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## Suzi

Hooray!

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Strugglingmum (01-05-19)

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## Mira

Well I am hoping it will last the day  :):

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Strugglingmum (01-05-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Put a chicken in the oven and forgot about it. Grrrr 
Hate wasting food! (And I can't afford to) will be picking the bones of this one to try and rescue some. 
Mrs Forgetful strikes again.

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## Suzi

I hate it when I do things like that! So frustrating!

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## Paula

Oops  :(: . How are you feeling after your nights sleep?

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## Suzi

How was the rest of the day?

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## Strugglingmum

I'm hoping to sleep tonight again. We were up at our church tonight for our midweek. A and I were on rota to serve tea/coffee after so a later night and of course I got to stress about serving!  My brain is racing. Going to get my tablets and go to bed and try relax. Xx

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## Paula

Well done for going tonight, hunni

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Strugglingmum (02-05-19)

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## Suzi

Did you sleep well lovely?

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Strugglingmum (02-05-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Took me a long time to settle last night. When I did sleep is was just ok. 
Anyway, a busy busy day. I had my craft class and we painted/decorated little birdhouses. They are very cute. 
Then I had dentist for a check up.  Came home had lunch, put another load on the line and another in the machine. Went to exercise my democratic right in our local council elections, walked Katie on the beach, came home made tea, another load on the line, went picked A up from work, cooked his tea and finally now have my feet up. 
Have a date with my crochet hook tonight I think. Starting an extra morning in the training centre tomorrow to do part of my catering qualification. 
My 2nd child officially leaves school tomorrow. He is on study leave for his A levels. Tomorrow night he plans to party with his mates up in Belfast. I'm already stressing about him being ok up in the city.

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## Mira

You have not been sitting still. More then enough to do. But you did it well. And good to put your feet up and do a bit of crochet. That might help with chilling a bit. Your son must be so pleased to have done it. And being able to have a party because of it. I am sure that it will be fine.

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## Suzi

I hope you're resting now Mrs!!!

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## Strugglingmum

Feet up all evening. Crochet hook in hand, pink and white wool galore.

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Suzi (02-05-19)

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## Paula

Aww crocheting for the new royal babe?  :O:

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## Strugglingmum

Oh is the baby born??? Is it a girl??

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## Paula

Lol, not as far as I know, but thought you might have been given a special, secret commission  :(rofl):

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## Strugglingmum

> Lol, not as far as I know, but thought you might have been given a special, secret commission


You'll get me arrested for starting royal rumours!!!  :(rofl):

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## Paula

:(giggle):

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## Suzi

How are the orders going?

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## Mira

I hope awesomely. My mum is doing crochet lately and its made me want to try it too.

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## Flo

I wish I could crochet. I could never get it right so I stick to knitting....although my mum was good at it. You seem to be close to the sea. I miss not walking my Greyhound on the beach. I had to limit her walking or rather running to winter time on the beach because she used to frighten the life out of other dog owners galloping along to meet them and their dogs. She didn't have a bad bone in her body though. Have a good day and happy crocheting.




> I hope awesomely. My mum is doing crochet lately and its made me want to try it too.


Why not Mira? Go for it. My dad was a good knitter!

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## Suzi

I'm rubbish at knitting, but love my crochet and cross stitch!

How are you today lovely?

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## Strugglingmum

Hi all. Today has been a bit of a struggle. I increased my AD today and I think its made me feel a bit off. I feel sickish and lethargic.  
I have stomach pain. 
I have all my crochet orders completed now. I learnt to crochet off YouTube. There are lots of tutorials for easy projects. I used to knit a lot but now prefer crochet. 
Flo I am blessed to live in a beautiful part of the world. I have a sea Lough coast line 5 mins walk 1 way and the Irish sea coastline just 2miles the other direction and I'm surrounded by countryside. I can see the Mourns mountains from my upstairs window across the Lough. We call it God's own country.

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## Suzi

Have you eaten and had enough to drink? Can you be kind to yourself whilst it settles?

----------


## Paula

How are you feeling this morning?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I feel really washed out today. I got up and went to church. I really had to push myself to move but I'm glad I did. I'm trying to eat a little but often. I've a sore head and really just don't feel wonderful. Putting it down to increase in tablet so hopefully it will even out in a few days. Feet up with a cuppa.

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## Mira

You are doing your best. And thats awesome  :Panda:

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Strugglingmum (05-05-19)

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## Suzi

Keep your feet up for a little while love. You deserve it.

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Strugglingmum (05-05-19)

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## Allalone

Take it easy hun.x

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Strugglingmum (05-05-19)

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## Paula

Well done for going to church. Did it help? Is there anyone at church who knows youre poorly that can offer support?

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Strugglingmum (05-05-19)

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## Strugglingmum

> Well done for going to church. Did it help? Is there anyone at church who knows you’re poorly that can offer support?


I have some people there who know and they are supportive. We went back for the evening service too. 
Still feeling a bit sickish and tired. Early bed for me. See you all tomorrow.

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## Suzi

It's great you have somewhere supportive and where you can gain strength from. It's really good. 
How are you doing this morning lovely?

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## Mira

How are you doing today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hi all. How has your bank holiday been? 
Anyone dance around a maypole??
Today we went looking for quotes for paving for our new patio. I must confess I was half-hearted and very little help. I couldn't get excited about it. Anyway we have chosen what we are getting and A will order it tomorrow.  I have had a splitting head all day. Finding it hard to do what needs doing. 
Fire lit, feet up and being lazy.  :(snooze):

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## Allalone

That’s not being lazy, that's looking after yourself. Take care.x
 :Panda:

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## Paula

Im not sure patio stones would excite me either ..... easier day tomorrow?

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## Suzi

Not the kind of thing I get excited over either! lol

----------


## Mira

Yes I hope today will be a bit easier.

----------


## Suzi

How are you today lovely?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Been semi productive today. Washing , ironing, a bit of cleaning. 
I've had a headache for 3 days but this evening I had a lovely talk with my daughter about lots of different things. I really enjoyed just chatting things over. It's been a while since she opened up to me like that so it made my day.

----------


## Mira

Sounds like a good day. Its great you had that great evening with your daughter.

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Strugglingmum (09-05-19)

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## Jaquaia

That sounds lovely, well apart from the ironing. That bit doesn't sound lovely

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Strugglingmum (09-05-19)

----------


## Suzi

Ironing sucks, but talking to your baby sounds awesome.

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Strugglingmum (09-05-19)

----------


## Mira

How are things today?

----------


## Paula

Has your headache disappeared yet?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Today has been a better day. 
I went to my craft group this morning and did mosaic on a little wooden box. It was very relaxing. I've been doing crochet a lot of the day and just relaxing. 
Tomorrow we have CAMHS and then I have an appointment to meet my new CPN. I'm a bit anxious about it. I'm sure she will be ok but after my last experience I feel very wary and a bit reluctant to get involved with someone new.

----------


## Suzi

I can understand that - tell them that's how you are feeling... You won't be the first or last person to feel that way. 
Can you pace in between sessions?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Sleep does not appear to be coming tonight.  
I only have a short time between dropping my daughter to school after CAMHS and my own appt but that may be better. Less time to think and worry.

----------


## Flo

Good luck with your appt. and new CPN. I'm sure she'll be lovely and you'll have nothing to worry about. Thinking of you.

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Strugglingmum (10-05-19)

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## Suzi

Thinking of you today.. Let us know how you get on?

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Strugglingmum (10-05-19)

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## Paula

Hope it goes ok today, lovely

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Strugglingmum (10-05-19)

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## Mira

Best of luck today  :Panda:

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Strugglingmum (10-05-19)

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## Allalone

Hope you’re appointments have gone ok.x

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Strugglingmum (10-05-19)

----------


## Suzi

How did it go?

----------

Strugglingmum (10-05-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Just home. Camhs appointment went ok. She is talking it out with them and they are happy enough with where she is at. 
My appointment was ok too. My new CPN seems very nice, young but ok to talk to. She seems interested and encouraging. I was honest with her and she was ok with me finding the change hard. My old CPN is not coming back to the post so I just have to get on with making a relationship with my new one. It's good to know that he isn't coming back and I can stop hoping and waiting for him.
I took my daughter for lunch when she came out of school so now im tired. Im home, feet up and a cuppa. At the moment i feel it would be very easy for my mood to slip so I am battling to keep it up. Maybe feel better after a rest. 
Thanks for asking everybody. Xx

----------


## Paula

Youve done brilliantly  :):

----------


## Suzi

I hope you have spent the whole evening with your feet up! 
Your new CPN sounds lovely! 
You have definitely earnt a chufty badge today!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hi all. Hope everyones weather is as lovely as ours. 
I have been in the garden pulling weeds and tidying a bit. 
I have a friend coming to see me tomorrow and its about 10/12 years since I last saw her. We were student nurses together all those years ago and partied and holidayed together :(angel): . We hold many memories and stories of each other in our mad days so I'm really looking forward to seeing her again and catching up. She lives quite a long way away so I'm chuffed She is travelling all this way. 
I've been a bit low all weekend but this has given me a lift. It's also hubby birthday today so need to be brightvand cheery for him.

----------


## Suzi

Happy birthday hubby! Sounds like you've been really busy! 
It sounds awesome to see your friend again! I hope you have a brilliant, brilliant time!

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Strugglingmum (14-05-19)

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## Paula

Sounds like tomorrows going to be wonderful  :):

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Strugglingmum (14-05-19)

----------


## Paula

Hope you have fun today  :):

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Strugglingmum (15-05-19)

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## Suzi

Hope you're having fun!

----------

Strugglingmum (15-05-19)

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## Strugglingmum

My friend came to visit today. We worked out it was 12 years since we had last been together but my goodness we talked and talked and talked. It was as if we were never apart. She was so understanding about my mental health and so supportive but I was also able to listen to her troubles and support her. It really gave me a lift. I am exhausted and did little the rest of the day but all the prep for her visit means the house is fairly clean.... and I'm clean cause I actually showered today after not being able to for over a week. Crochet this evening in the Sun.

----------


## Mira

This is awesome. I am glad you had this time with your friend. It can help a lot. To just be around good people. Enjoy the crochet and the sun. You deserve it.

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Strugglingmum (15-05-19)

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## Suzi

I'm so pleased for you! It's awesome to have friends like that!

----------

Strugglingmum (15-05-19)

----------


## Paula

It is absolutely lovely to see you post that  :):  Im so glad youve had a good day!

----------


## Suzi

Morning lovely, how are you today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Morning boss lady. I've been indulgent and have only just got up. Coffee, banana and meds on the go. My craft class is cancelled this morning so going to tackle the ironing pile and put on some music to keep me going.

----------


## Suzi

Make sure you pace with the ironing please?

----------


## Paula

Ironing pile eurgh - that phrase is the equivalent of sp*ders to me!

----------


## Strugglingmum

:(rofl): 
I got all the ironing done, went to the dentist for the last bit of treatment, then met my daughter for her eye appointment. Home late so glad I had a chilli cooking in the slow cooker. My MIL was taken away in an ambulance today so hubby is anxious. He is getting ready to head to Belfast to see her. 
I'm not going as she is still in A&E and its the same one I end up in when I've overdosed. I don't have good memories of it and my anxiety is up at the thought of having to go. I feel guilty leaving him to go alone. I feel very selfish as I know he would go with me if it was reversed. 
Anyway hopefully it will be ok news.

----------


## Paula

Oh hunni Im sorry. I hope shes ok  :Panda: . And, no, I dont think youre selfish- youre protecting hubby from having to look after you at the same time as trying to deal with his worry over his mum

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Strugglingmum (17-05-19)

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## Suzi

I don't think you're being selfish at all! He needs to be a son right now, not worrying about you or the kids or anything else - I hope you know what I mean... Hope she's OK.

----------

Strugglingmum (17-05-19)

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## Strugglingmum

So I have no idea what is going on. I stayed up to 2am but my hubby hadn't returned. When I woke this morning he was already away to work. I'm sure he has had very little sleep. He will be exhausted so I am trying to make sure there is as little stress here as possible. That means me being in top form and on top of things. Now I just need motivation.!!

----------


## Suzi

It doesn't mean pushing yourself to take on everything and then collapsing, so please, please, please pace.

----------

Strugglingmum (17-05-19)

----------


## Paula

Hows your day been, hunni?

----------

Strugglingmum (17-05-19)

----------


## Suzi

Any news?

----------

Strugglingmum (17-05-19)

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## Allalone

Sending hugs hun. :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (17-05-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Today has been hard. MIL went for an MRI scan. We are waiting for results. We are also concerned about her General condition on admission, dehydrated and hadn't eaten in a week. 
Hubby is doing the man thing of not talking about it. 
I went for a walk/run this afternoon as my head wasn't in a good place. I've just been distracting all evening and ready for meds and bed.

----------


## Mira

:Panda:

----------


## Paula

:Panda:  I get the hubby doing the man thing - mine is doing the same right now. Big hugs, lovely

----------


## Suzi

Mine's doing the same too. It makes it so hard! 

Hope that MIL gets better soon lovely. How are you doing today...

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hi all. We have been to the town to do the shopping and back and all put away. I just seem to tire so easily this weather i dont know whats wrong. Im curled up on the sofa in a blanket and no real motivation to move. The rain has hit today so at least i dont need to water the garden. I should really get up and bake or something but im in a bit of a dip.

----------


## OldMike

I find the warm weather rather tiring too, if it's raining curled up under a blankie on the sofa is the best place to be.  :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (18-05-19)

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## Paula

:Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (18-05-19)

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## Suzi

Sometimes you just have to give in to how you feel lovely.... Hope you've felt brighter.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Took the hubby out for a meal tonight as it was his birthday during the week. 
Was nice to spend time with him. We called at the hospital to see MIL as well as we were up in Belfast.

----------


## Paula

How is she doing?

----------


## Strugglingmum

The results from her MIR were inconclusive so to be repeated on Monday. She is not very well at all. We are going up tomorrow lunchtime to feed her as she can't feed herself. She can't lift her arms and she is very doped up. Hubby is distraught about her as he is used to her being active and up putting the kettle on and an endless teapot.

----------


## Strugglingmum

I haven't shut my eyes all night. Thank goodness for my crochet hook to distract me.

----------


## Mira

I was awake too during the night. I hope you can relax a bit suring the day  :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (19-05-19)

----------


## Suzi

How did you cope at the hospital? Why haven't you slept at all? Can you rest at all today?

----------


## Paula

Oh hunni  :(:

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## Strugglingmum

I've had 4hours sleep. Hubby and my son went to the hospital today for lunchtime. They haven't returned yet so not sure how MIL is.

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## Strugglingmum

So I might not have slept last night but I did create this overnight. 
Hope the link works, I haven't shared from Facebook before.

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Jaquaia (19-05-19),OldMike (20-05-19),Suzi (19-05-19)

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## Jaquaia

That's gorgeous!

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Strugglingmum (19-05-19)

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## Suzi

That's so pretty!

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Strugglingmum (19-05-19)

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## Paula

Oh wow! *not broody at all*  :O:

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Strugglingmum (19-05-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Hoping to sleep tonight but if not I might have a new creation to show you :P:

----------


## Paula

How are you this morning?

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## OldMike

That's so beautiful you sure a master or is that a mistress of crochet, hope you manage get some sleep tonight  :Panda:

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Strugglingmum (20-05-19)

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## Strugglingmum

I took a sleeping tablet last night and slept for 7hrs but I had problems getting going this morning! Just about made it into the training centre. The catering tutor/ chef is off sick so I was asked to be in charge of the kitchen. It was good, it kept my mind very distracted from my thoughts. I'm in charge tomorrow again so that again is good for distraction.  
Exams are in full swing here so 2 stressed teens. MIL is waiting to be transferred to another hospital to a specialist unit. It means it is even further to visit and also across Belfast city so awful traffic. Looking into bus timetables to make it less stressful. 
Other than that, the steam is rising from my crochet hook :):

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## Jaquaia

I may have to talk nicely to you when I find out if I'm getting another niece or a nephew!

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## Strugglingmum

Ooo how exciting for you. I know you love your niece. Xx

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## Suzi

If you are in charge do you get paid? Are you insured as being in charge? 
Glad you've got your crochet!

----------


## Mira

How are you doing now?

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## Suzi

Hope you've had a good day lovely!

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## Strugglingmum

Hi all. Just a quick check in. We are all up in the air at the moment waiting for results from scans etc for the MIL. I wish I was stronger and a better support to A. It looks like results could be life-changing and A is frustrated as the  plan keeps changing.... long story.

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## Jaquaia

You are strong but wearing your knickers over your trousers doesn't make you superwoman lovely  :Panda:

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## Suzi

Hey lovely, you are strong enough, you are more than good enough. You can do this. I hope the results are workable with and that the plan stays fixed. What are you doing today?

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Strugglingmum (22-05-19)

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## Paula

Big hugs, lovely. And as for strength? You couldnt get through what you have, and are, if you werent strong

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Strugglingmum (22-05-19)

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## Mira

You are all going through this. So I believe strength is there. These times are not easy. And we all deal with it in different ways. And when people tell me I wish I could do more for........ To me that says a lot and lets me know you are giving it your best  :Panda:

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Strugglingmum (22-05-19)

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## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

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Strugglingmum (22-05-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Thank you all.

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## Suzi

How are you love?

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## Strugglingmum

Today I went to my craft class. We made soap and i also took my crochet with me to do. 
I'm feeling so fatigued this weather all the time.  So much so I think I'm going to go to the Dr and get my bloods checked. I normally avoid the Dr but it doesn't feel like its the new meds as I've been on them ages now. It could just be the amount of stress we have had going on but I think I need to get checked out.

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## Paula

I think thats a very good idea

A note - in my teens I collected soaps ...... living life on the edge  :O:

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## Mira

That is never a bad idea. You know your body and if this is something worth checking then please do.

I have soap bars everywhere in my house. Even have one of my favorite scents on my night stand. So it smells nice when I sleep.

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## Suzi

Definitely a good plan love.

----------


## Mira

How are you doing? I hope you are ok  :Panda:

----------


## Flo

Morning SM...feeling any better today? Stress can knock the stuffing out of us, but like Mira says, you know your body best. Take it easy if you can today. :(bear):

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## Suzi

How are you lovely?

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## Strugglingmum

I am really struggling with my thoughts. I'm ashamed of how horrible I am and how much I'm struggling with A spending so much time at the hospital. I really am a selfish cow and really don't deserve to have such a good man. He really doesn't need me as another weight on his shoulders.

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## Jaquaia

It's ok to struggle. It's ok to have these thoughts when you're ill. It doesn't make you selfish, it makes you ill. A loves you, talk to him lovely  :Panda:

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Strugglingmum (26-05-19)

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## Suzi

Stop and breathe! 
You are not selfish at all. Marc's Dad is back in hospital again and he's spent more time dealing with his mother (it's a long story) than he has been here this weekend.... and it doesn't look to be ending soon. I do totally understand where you are coming from lovely. It doesn't make you selfish at all.

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Strugglingmum (26-05-19)

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## Paula

Youre not horrible, lovely, very far from it. Youre ill. Jaq is right, talk to A

----------


## Suzi

Hey chick, how you doing?

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## Strugglingmum

Today I'm a bit brighter. I went to my training centre. A didn't go to the hospital today as my daughter had a piano lesson and he needed to take her. He seems a bit more relaxed too. We have cooked together and just connected a bit so I'm not having horrible thoughts about him not loving me or me just being a burden. I must be such a  needy cow that I need attention from him to feel validated and worthy of oxygen. 
On a positive both my little exam sitters only have 2 exams left each. My daughter does both on Wednesday and that is her finished. My son has a break for 2 weeks and then both exams. The stress levels are definitely dropping around here. Now all we need is my MIL to improve.  She has developed a chest infection now in hospital. Hopefully antibiotics will kick in quickly.

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## Suzi

You really, really aren't a "needy cow" at all! It's hard when you are struggling yourself and the person you need isn't there.... 
Well done to your little people! Mine all start properly after half term...

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Strugglingmum (29-05-19)

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## Jaquaia

If you think you're a needy cow then you should see some of mine and J's conversations!!! Talking is important, as is understanding that how you feel is valid.

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Strugglingmum (29-05-19)

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## Suzi

How are you today lovely?

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Strugglingmum (29-05-19)

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## Paula

Hey, lovely, you are so very far from needy! 

Did MIL get a diagnosis?

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Strugglingmum (29-05-19)

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## Strugglingmum

> Hey, lovely, you are so very far from needy! 
> 
> Did MIL get a diagnosis?


It's all still really up in the air. She has lost feeling to her left leg and poor sensation on right. She can't really stand well. She is in a ton of pain and has lost the sensation of when she needs to go the the loo so definitely something spinal but she was also very run down on admission so they can't do much til she physically improves. She has had countless mris etc. At the moment she is very poorly with her chest infection.

----------


## Suzi

Poor thing! It must be so hard on all of you.... Are you managing to pace?

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## Strugglingmum

I had a visit from my CPN today. I talked some stuff out with her and it helped. She met A for the first time too so was reassuring him to lift the phone to her anytime. She is lovely but I'm still missing my old CPN a bit. However he has left so I need to buck up and get on with things.
My daughter has finished all her AS level exams. Today was Geography and Chemistry so that is her completed. She has a week of work experience towards the end of June but until then she can relax. Hurrah. 
My son has a few more to do yet but has a gap now so he is also taking things a bit easier. Hopefully the stress levels in the house will start to decrease.

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## Suzi

Hoorah for end of AS! Has she got her work experience all sorted? What is she going to do? 

Glad talking things through with your CPN helped love. It's good that she's got to meet A too. Does he feel happier knowing that he can call if he needs to? 
What's on your agenda today?

----------


## Paula

Morning, hunni. You must be on a completely different calendar to us - were on half term and exams start up again next week

How are you this morning?

----------


## Strugglingmum

So my daughter is really intelligent. GCSEs she got 7 As and 2Bs.  However she does not want to follow an academic route, she loves working with her hands.... technology is her favourite subject. She designed and built a full size working beehive from scratch this year for her project. She would love to get an apprenticeship as a carpenter. 
She goes to a posh private all girls grammar school  (on full scholarship, we couldn't afford it). As you might imagine they are not really on board with her career choices.  We fully support her in whatever she wants to do (after all her dad was a carpenter) . So for work experience we couldn't get her with a carpenter but she is going out with a plumberbfor a week as she loves engineering type things as well. She is really looking forward to it. 
The school are horrified :(rofl):  They pride themselves on educating young ladies.

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## Jaquaia

Academics isn't for everyone.  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  to the school, she needs to find a career she will be happy with. I am an academic, I have a degree in Geography but I've never used it! J has an engineering degree and doesn't use it. Education isn't just academics.

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Strugglingmum (30-05-19)

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## Paula

You obviously pride yourself on educating your young lady to be whoever she wants to be  :):

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Strugglingmum (30-05-19)

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## Suzi

I went to an all girls private school (assisted place lol) and I have a degree and I'm currently not using it either.. 
One of my best friends was the first in our school to do DT A level and go on and do product design and she is now a manager and loving it! 
My little brother is a carpenter - it's how my dad started out when he was 15 as an apprentice chippy and he got to be site engineer for many years before he passed away. 

It's so important to allow her to choose her own path!

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Strugglingmum (30-05-19)

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## Strugglingmum

https://m.facebook.com/groups/912022268881417?view=permalink&id=2281066985310265

If I said I enjoyed my run today I'd be lying. Soaked to the very knickers!!!
However the rain did make sure I ran more of my journey than I normally do. Ran 2.5 miles of my 4 miles today :(giggle):

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## Paula

:(rofl):

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## Suzi

Sorry I tried to fix your picture, but I'm not sure why, but the link doesn't work... Ahha, did you post it in a private group by any chance?

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## Strugglingmum

That's quite possibly it! 
Ah well.... I tried :(giggle):

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## Flo

Morning! Aren't you a good girl for running? You put me to shame! How are you doing today?

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## Suzi

> That's quite possibly it! 
> Ah well.... I tried


 :(rofl):  If you've put it just on FB and not in a group then you can share it then... 
What's on today's agenda?

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## Paula

Morning, love!

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## Strugglingmum

This morning I attended/endured food hygiene training.... snore. But I did then invite someone to go for coffee after...... get me, such a socialite!!! However it is a big thing for me to make the first move so I'm proud.

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## Suzi

I'm proud too! Well done love!

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Strugglingmum (31-05-19)

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## Paula

Thats huge! Well done  :):

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Strugglingmum (31-05-19)

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## OldMike

Well done I'm really proud of you.

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Strugglingmum (31-05-19)

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## Strugglingmum

We are starting to make plans for MIL discharge from hospital. We need a stairlift installed and a ramp in for her to get home. Hopefully in next week to 10days.

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## Mira

Lots of planning and sorting to get things done  :Panda:

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## Paula

Is she having carers in?

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## Strugglingmum

> Is she having carers in?


I think that is the plan to start with and see how things go. At the moment she will agree to anything to get home

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## Suzi

It's great that there are plans to get her home - it'll make it less intensive than having to keep going to the hospital won't it?

----------


## Mira

How are you doing through all of this?

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## Strugglingmum

> How are you doing through all of this?


I'm really flat Mira. I just can't get my mood lifted at all. I'm cancelling a lot of things I had arranged to do. I just want to be home curled up in a blanket. I am still making myself go to the centre and hospital appointments etc but socially I don't want to know. Today I had arranged to meet my sister for lunch as it had been her birthday last week. I took my daughter with me. When I came home I slept for hours. I was exhausted. 
It will be easier for my hubby when she gets home so that's good.

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## Suzi

Oh hunni... Are you talking to your care team and A about how you are feeling?

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## Strugglingmum

A knows to look at me that I'm flat. He is trying to balance what he needs to sort for his mum and keep an eye on me. I'm getting my hair cut and coloured tomorrow so maybe that will give me a lift.

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## Paula

:Panda:

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## Suzi

How you doing today gorgeous?

----------


## Paula

Are you doing anything else to look after yourself?

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## Strugglingmum

Hi all. My roots are no longer grey and my hair is tidied.  :(clap): 
,my mood isn't great but I have done the things I need to . 
Motivation is very low and I'm struggling but I'm keeping going. Getting closer to exams being completed. Son has 2 on Monday and that's us finished!!!yeah!!

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## Paula

:(party):  - my Jess has 2 more and then shes done ..

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## Suzi

Pfft to the lot of you! I've still got Ben doing 2 more law papers and 1 or 2 media, Hazel to do all her PPE's and Fern to do hers too! 

Hooray for no roots though! It always helps me. Maybe the flat feeling will start to lift when A can be at home a bit more with you?

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## Strugglingmum

Stairlift for MIL is going in tomorrow.  Hopefully get home on Tuesday if all well. 
Son does his last exams tomorrow so hopefully stress is lessening.

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## Paula

Nearly there, hunni, and youve been amazing!

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Strugglingmum (10-06-19)

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## Suzi

You've done so well lovely.
Hooray for last exam and i hope MIL moving back makes things easier for you too..

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Strugglingmum (10-06-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Thanks. I feel very flat with it all but I'm keeping plodding on through. Sometimes you just gotta grit your teeth. I am exhausted though. 
A just says, listen to your body you need to rest, but my brain isn't switching off very well at the moment. Determined to get through this.

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## Paula

A is very wise ...

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Strugglingmum (11-06-19)

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## Suzi

Listen to A, he is saying exactly what I would, so he must be right!  :):

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Strugglingmum (11-06-19)

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## OldMike

> Listen to A, he is saying exactly what I would, so he must be right!


I'll second that and we all know Suzi's never wrong she's got a certificate to prove it  :O:

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Strugglingmum (11-06-19)

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## Suzi

So true....  :O:

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Strugglingmum (11-06-19)

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## Mira

Everybody is right but I am sure you would say the same to a friend if they said this to you sm. Take care of your self. Even more when you feel meh. I would say a bit of pampering  :):

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Strugglingmum (11-06-19)

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## Strugglingmum

I finally bit the bullet today and went to see my GP.  I have had a load of blood tests done and have little pots to take some other samples :(blush): 
He told me off for not coming to see him very often etc etc.
Anyway, it gets A off my back and hopefully some answers as to all my symptoms. Win win

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## Suzi

Good! I'm really glad!

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Strugglingmum (13-06-19)

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## Paula

Well done hunni  :):

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Strugglingmum (13-06-19)

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## Strugglingmum

My eldest turns 21 tomorrow.
As its Fathers Day as well I'm taking everyone out for lunch at our local bar/restaurant. 
I can't believe its 21 years since I became a mum. It feels like I've always been a mum but yet it feels like yesterday since I held him in my arms for the first time and felt so overwhelmed with love for this wee scrap of humanity but also terrified that I would be an awful mum and didn't know what I was doing.   First time mum terror. 
Mind you..... I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing half the time!  :(giggle):

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## Paula

Nope, me neither  :O:

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Strugglingmum (15-06-19)

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## Suzi

Nor me! 
Happy birthday to your eldest!

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Strugglingmum (15-06-19)

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## Mira

One thing I love about Holland is we congratulate everybody when someone has a birthday. So congraulations (yes those are just for you  :): )

And ofcourse a happy birthday to your son too.

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Strugglingmum (16-06-19)

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## EJ

I felt like this too. My son is 21 too.

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Strugglingmum (16-06-19)

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## Paula

> One thing I love about Holland is we congratulate everybody when someone has a birthday. So congraulations (yes those are just for you )
> 
> And ofcourse a happy birthday to your son too.


I love that tradition!

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Strugglingmum (16-06-19)

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## Strugglingmum

That's a beautiful idea Mira.  :(bear): 
We have had a nice day together. I took everyone out for dinner and we had a couple of drinks each too. I very rarely drink so I came home and slept for a couple of hours. It's been  nice. Watched an old movie. I really needed a nice family day.

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## Paula

Sounds lovely  :): . How are you today?

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## Suzi

Love lovely family days. How are you today hunni?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I didn't go to the centre today as I just needed me time. A is off today too so I've been getting some jobs done.... cleaning out undersink cupboards etc.  A is away to see his mum now and told me to sit. Lol. I'm trying. 
My psychologist phoned me this morning. She is back from sick leave so I'm seeing her tomorrow morning. I'm pleased to see her as I really need to talk out the visit with my father. 
In less than 2 weeks we take our youth away to camp. I am camp cook but I also do the organising of the camp. Tonight I'm off to my friend's so we can sort dorms, groups rotas etc. I have my menu done and just need to do all the food ordering. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything but I think tonight will sort a lot and I can breathe!!

----------


## Suzi

Glad you two have spent some time together.. 
Hooray for your psychologist! 
Hope you've get a really easy menu and you can always get others to help! What's on your menu?

----------


## Paula

When I was a teenager my parents helped run summer Christian youth camps and I remember how joyful and exhausting it was for them. I think youre incredible for doing this  :):

----------


## Strugglingmum

Today I am really sad. 
My friends little granddaughter died yesterday. She hadn't had her 3rd birthday and her whole life has been one of her winning battle after battle.
Evie was a twin. Soon after birth it became apparent that she had a liver condition. She had surgery but eventually needed a liver transplant. She was lucky enough to get a lobe of an adult liver from someone who had died. 
The donor had died with cancer and unfortunately Evie developed cancer from her transplanted liver. She began cycles of chemo and actually then got a new liver (another transplant).
Unfortunately the cancer had too strong a hold. Yesterday she went to be with Jesus. 
Precious little warrior princess. Rest easy. Your battle is over. We weep for you because you fought so hard and put a smile on all our faces with your giggle. We will miss you.

----------


## Mira

This is so sad  :Panda:  :Panda:

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## Strugglingmum

Sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have shared all that. I don't want to make others sad.

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## Mira

No you should share it. Yes it is sad. But in sharing this you keep her memory alive. And that warms my heart. Please dont stop sharing things because they are sad.

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Suzi (19-06-19)

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## magie06

Oh honey. That is so tragic. Poor little angel is out of pain now and doesn't need any more treatment. I will think of her family in my prayers.

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## Paula

Im so sorry, hunni, it sounds like she blessed the lives of those who loved her  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni, I'm so sorry. That's such a tragic story. How are you?

----------


## Jaquaia

:Panda:

----------


## Strugglingmum

Im feeling sad today. The funeral happened.

----------


## Jaquaia

:Panda: 

Hope you're resting lovely

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Strugglingmum (20-06-19)

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## Paula

:Panda:

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Strugglingmum (20-06-19)

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## Suzi

You're allowed to be sad. It's terribly sad. Are you looking after you?

----------

Strugglingmum (20-06-19)

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## Strugglingmum

I went to my art class today. We made pebble pictures on canvasses. I was pleased as I'm not naturally artistic but felt I produced something I was pleased with 
I needed to feel productive today to make me feel a bit brighter. I have finished off some crochet projects too. 
The big news is A bought me a wee car to give me back a bit of independence.  I've so missed having my own car this past year. We also insured it for my 2 teens to learn to drive. Today I gave my son his first lesson. it was good to do something with him that we both enjoyed.

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## Jaquaia

That sounds like a lovely day!

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Strugglingmum (21-06-19)

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## Suzi

Oh yay! Independence is so fabulous! I'm so glad that you've had a lovely day!

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Strugglingmum (21-06-19)

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## Paula

That post put a huge smile on my face  :):

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Strugglingmum (21-06-19)

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## Mira

How are you doing today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

My CPN called to see me today. It was good to talk.

----------


## Suzi

I'm so pleased! You finding it helpful?

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## Strugglingmum

> I'm so pleased! You finding it helpful?


I feel like I'm trusting her more each time I meet her. I was able to share with her today that I had gone back to some of my not so helpful coping strategies. I didn't feel able to tell her last time.

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## Suzi

Which coping strategies? Are you safe?

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Strugglingmum (23-06-19)

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## OldMike

> Sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have shared all that. I don't want to make others sad.


I'm so sorry SMum, you did right to share rather than locking it away  :(bear):   :Panda:

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Strugglingmum (23-06-19)

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## Paula

> I feel like I'm trusting her more each time I meet her. I was able to share with her today that I had gone back to some of my not so helpful coping strategies. I didn't feel able to tell her last time.


Im so relieved youre opening up to her  :(bear):

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Strugglingmum (23-06-19)

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## Strugglingmum

I've been up since 4:30am 
Yesterday was a usual busy Saturday with shopping and housework. 
Last night we had a meeting for all the leaders at our camps. This time next week I'll be away to first camp getting ready for the kids arriving. 
I don't feel as prepared as usual but so long as I have all we need things will come together. This week will be busy finalising food orders etc and buying last minute stuff. 
It's overwhelming but I know I'll be grand once I get there. Definitely a week for lists.
Enjoy Sunday everyone,

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OldMike (23-06-19)

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## Suzi

You'll get it all sorted and it'll be brilliant. How long is the camp for?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> You'll get it all sorted and it'll be brilliant. How long is the camp for?


Each camp is a week. We do one at start of July for our Juniors (8-12) and then another later in July for our Inters (11-16) .

----------


## Paula

Youre experienced at this, you know what youre doing. Youve got this, gorgeous

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Strugglingmum (23-06-19)

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## Suzi

You can do this I'm sure! Sounds like fun!

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Strugglingmum (23-06-19)

----------


## magie06

Is this an actual camp with tent, sleeping bags, open fires, sing songs early mornings and late nights?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Is this an actual camp with tent, sleeping bags, open fires, sing songs early mornings and late nights?


Yes to everything except the tents. We rent a school building and set up dorms in the classrooms. We do sports, crafts, outings, fun games and activities. It is a Christian camp so lots of singing etc. I'm camp cook so it's a real busy week for me but I love it. 
Today I sorted the craft stuff out. We are doing glass painting and then a smaller craft at the end of the week if they finish their glass early. Lots of organising this week.  
Tomorrow i have a review with my psych consultant.  I'm thinking they may suggest changing my meds, either type or dose so I'm a bit worried at doing that just before camp.

----------


## Suzi

You could always tell them that and ask to postpone the change until after the camp?

----------


## magie06

Your camp sounds wonderful. I used to be really involved with girl guides and after I became a unit leader, I set about getting my qualifications to be able to bring them camping. It's so wonderful to see children and young people, who have everything done at home, become so independent while away from home. It's the most thing I miss since I stepped back from guiding.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Psych review today. 
As I thought they have changed my dose. I'm ok with doing that. I was worried they woud want to change tablet which would mean weaning down of one and starting another. We are going to keep trying the Sertraline at a higher dose. 
She also insisted that I took some night sedation for a couple of weeks as my sleep is so bad recently. I did get a nap this afternoon though so that helps although I feel guilty for just yelling at the dog for barking at nothing. I really am tetchy.... evidence I need sleep I guess. The kids just give me 'those looks' and cuddled the dog a bit tighter. Feeling like a real heel. Everyone may give me a wide berth. Pick up my new script tomorrow so hopefully Tuesday night will be sleep night.

----------


## Paula

We all have days like that, sweetie, and if youre short on sleep its not surprising youre irritable. Well done for being honest at the psych review

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Strugglingmum (25-06-19)

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## Suzi

I agree.... I was really "off" with everyone on Saturday night... I ended up having to apologise....

----------

Strugglingmum (25-06-19)

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## magie06

You are awesome. Please don't forget that. You are doing so much right now and dealing with a terrible amount. I think someone saw you and said, this person can cope!!

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Strugglingmum (25-06-19)

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## Suzi

How are you this morning?

----------


## Mira

I agree with the rest. You are awesome  :(bear):

----------


## Strugglingmum

I slept a bit better last night. Less ratty today . 
Thank you all

----------

Paula (25-06-19)

----------


## Suzi

That's great news... How are you feeling?

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## Strugglingmum

I went to bed before 9pm last night. Took a sleeping tablet. It took a wee bit to get over but I slept through until 8am . I feel a lot more energetic today and able to face the day. Heading out to do some prep and shopping for camp. the Sun is shinning and i feel a bit of lightness today.

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## Paula

Thats so good to hear!

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## Suzi

That's brilliant news!!

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## Mira

Thanks for sharing that. It gave me a smile as well.

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## Flo

Morning!......the chocolate brownie recipe I use is 'Nigella's chocolate Brownies'. They work for me every time. When you stick a skewer to test them for 'done' at the time she suggests for baking, the skewer may come out a bit damp. They're supposed to be like that...gooey on the inside. They're a bit chocolate overload but lovely! Good luck camping!xxx

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## Strugglingmum

> Morning!......the chocolate brownie recipe I use is 'Nigella's chocolate Brownies'. They work for me every time. When you stick a skewer to test them for 'done' at the time she suggests for baking, the skewer may come out a bit damp. They're supposed to be like that...gooey on the inside. They're a bit chocolate overload but lovely! Good luck camping!xxx


Thank you!! Gooey is always best for Brownies

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## Suzi

Morning lovely, how are you today?

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## Strugglingmum

Another great night's sleep. I feel a lot better with sleep. 
I went to My art club this morning. that's the last until September. I can't believe how much my confidence has improved in just being prepared to have a go. I've always been so scared of failure but in a setting where anything goes and every effort is praised I am prepared to just try. 
Camp prep is almost there. I just need to sort out clothes, setting up the ironing board outside today. Need my daily dose of Vitamin D.

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Suzi (27-06-19)

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## Mira

Thats awesome. And a great inviroment to be trying something like that. I hope when it starts again you will go there. Its great that you have something like that.

And the ironing board outside? Great idea. I will docthat too when I need to iron again.

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Strugglingmum (27-06-19)

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## Paula

What a fab post  :):

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Strugglingmum (27-06-19)

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## Suzi

So proud of you and pleased for you!

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Strugglingmum (27-06-19)

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## Strugglingmum

> So proud of you and pleased for you!


Its amazing the difference little 'z' tablets can make to your sleep and the difference some solid hours of peaceful sleep can make to your mental health.

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## Suzi

it really is amazing how crucial sleep is!

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Strugglingmum (27-06-19)

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## magie06

Good luck for your camp. I hope you really enjoy yourself.

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Strugglingmum (02-07-19)

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## Suzi

Hope camp set up went well and you have a really good week!

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Strugglingmum (02-07-19)

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## Paula

Have fun over the next few days  :):

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Strugglingmum (02-07-19)

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## EJ

I hope the camp goes well and is enjoyable for you too xx

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Strugglingmum (02-07-19)

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## OldMike

Hope all is going well at camp.

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Strugglingmum (02-07-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Hi all. Just a quick check-in. Camp is going really well. The kids are great. I'm busy from morning to night but enjoying the madness. It has given me a wee lift that I needed........ but I am knackered :):   A is also enjoying himself and my kids are making me proud as amazing leaders. French toast to be made for all this morning. I'm cracking an awful lot of eggs!! :(giggle):

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## Suzi

So glad you are all having a lovely time! I didn't realise the whole family was going!

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## Paula

Sounds awesome!

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## OldMike

Sounds like you're having a great time.

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## Strugglingmum

> So glad you are all having a lovely time! I didn't realise the whole family was going!


This A's first year. He came to keep an eye on me and help in the kitchen  :(giggle):

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## Mira

That sounds like hard work and a lot of fun. I hope you have a wonderful rest of the time there.

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## Suzi

Hope you're still having fun!

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## Strugglingmum

I got home last night just after 9:30pm. I gave the dog a hug and then walked straight upstairs to bed. I am knackered and my body aches. This weekend will be full of washing washing washing. Thank goodness it is dry for now. Anyway. I will try and catch up with you all later. X it's good to be home.

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## Suzi

It's good to have you home! You've been missed! How was camp? Did you enjoy it?

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## Paula

Did you enjoy yourself?

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## magie06

I hope you are resting while the wash is on.

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## Strugglingmum

Thankful for a bright sunny day to dry my loads and loads. 
Camp was tough but it was good too. My head is a bit all over the place but I'm putting it down to tiredness and feeling a bit bleurgh. I enjoyed feeding the troops but found other parts quite stressful. Anyway one down, one to go.

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## Paula

Another one?

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Strugglingmum (07-07-19)

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## Suzi

You're doing another one? 
Want to talk about the good bits and the not so good bits? Did A enjoy himself?

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Strugglingmum (07-07-19)

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## magie06

Is there anything you can do to make the other bits better? 
As for the other stuff, you need rest. Camp takes it out of you. You have responsibility for other people's children. And with all the food allergies and fussy eaters that you have to cater for, it's a very difficult position to be in. Give yourself credit. You have done a wonderful week. But please rest, rest and then rest some more.

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Strugglingmum (07-07-19),Suzi (07-07-19)

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## OldMike

I can see camp being enjoyable and stressful in equal measures, SMum you did really well, you got out there and gave the kids a memorable camp experience, without volunteers like yourself there be no such things as camp so give yourself a big pat an the back and put your feet up.

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Strugglingmum (07-07-19),Suzi (07-07-19)

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## Strugglingmum

We do Inters camp in 2 weeks. Slightly older kids, 11-16. 
I do really enjoy camp and enjoy the kids. At our junior camp we had some issues that happen when you have a lot of kids together and away from home. Homesickness, clash of personalities, some trying to get one up on others etc etc, it all sounds silly and little things but when you are the one ultimately in charge and running the camp, you end up dealing and having to get involved in every issue and decision. It's just draining. I wouldn't change it and as A says I just want it to be an enjoyable experience for every kid so I will go the extra Mile to try and sort all issues and make sure they are all happy. 
Also this year I had a bit of attittude from some young leaders who wouldn't listen and wanted to do their own thing.... we have a programme for a reason!!! 
Anyway, I had to tell them that I would not be taking them along to Inters camp. It was hard, stressful and a horrible thing to have to do. I'm not great at confrontation and it takes a lot out of me....l. but the kids will always come first and the smooth running of the camp for everyone's happiness and safety and well-being. 
This all sounds negative but I honestly did enjoy most of it and A got his eyes opened as to how much work  Camp is.  :(giggle):

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## Paula

Im impressed that you made that decision about the young leaders. The welfare of kids at both camps is vital. Well done, hunni

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Strugglingmum (07-07-19)

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## Suzi

That's brilliant that you stood up for what you believe is the right call. It'd have been easy to have just let them go. Well done!

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Strugglingmum (07-07-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Much love to you all. Xx

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## Suzi

You OK love?

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## magie06

How are you today?

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