# General Category > General Chit Chat >  Sissies united

## Sissy

Hey. I have been away for a while. Things have been difficult, and I have had barely enough energy to get on with my daily life. I don't want to complain all the time, so I took a small break. That actually was not that small after all. 6 months, and alot has happened. I fell from Baron, got a pretty nasty concussion. Le Dude got something we call tia-attack. Some sort of temporary problem with blood circulation in brain. He just lost feeling from one side of his body, and blood pressure was huge, 215/155. He was taken I took him to er, and he was sent to bigher hospital with an ambulance. After that he has been suffering from panic attacks. I am worried sick, I actually was really afraid. I had this uncontrollable fear of him dying. Alot of other things have been going on, and I have been way too tired to keep contact even with my friends and family. If someone got worried, I do apologise. I hope everyone here is doing fine.

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## Jaquaia

It's good to see you. I'm just sorry you've been finding it tough.

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Sissy (06-06-21)

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## Suzi

Oh love! It's so good to see you, I was wondering about you and your boys. 

I'm sorry to hear about the fall, have you managed to get back up on him? 
How is Le Dude? Is he getting any help? 
How are your other boys? 

I think you need some group hugs!  :Panda:   :Panda:   :Panda:

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Sissy (06-06-21)

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## Paula

Oh wow, hunni thats a lot to deal with.. big hugs  :Panda: 

Its so good to see you, though

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Sissy (06-06-21)

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## Sissy

Yea I got back to saddle pretty fast. Baron was confused himself, he got excited and actually gave me a rodeo bucking me down. I don't trust him the same anymore, but I am still working with him.

My boys are doing fine. Summer break started, and we are having a heat wave coming our way.

Le Dude is getting help. He got medication for his blood pressure, and has not been drinking at all after that trip to hospital. I just worry about those panic attacks.

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## Strugglingmum

Oh Sissy, you really have been through a rough time!!  :Panda: 
It's really good to hear from you. I'm glad the boys are well. I hope Le Dude starts to feel better with his blood pressure issue resolving. So frightening for you both. It will take him some time to get over the fright.
How are you coping with it all?

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## Sissy

Right now, I am not really coping at all. It feels like I work on auto pilot, just doing what I must to keep things together. At least I am startin something called emdr therapy to see how deep my problems actually are, and if the root of all can be found, and dug up.

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## Suzi

One of our old team members Jarre had EMDR and found it really, really helpful. 
Sweetheart we're here to listen and to help where we can. Just talking about it all might help...

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## OldMike

Hi sissy was thinking we hadn't heard from you for ages, is it really 6 months! My mum suffered from TIA's in later years when she was in her 80's from what I remember a TIA is like a mini stroke and typically only lasts a short time in mums case it affected her balance on one occasion it was like she was speaking in a foreign language which lasted a couple of hours. In Le Dudes case the problem was probably caused by high BP which hopefully should be got under control.

Did something spook Baron causing him to throw you?

I'll send you all my love  :(bear):   :Panda:

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## Sissy

I think he just got frustrated, we trained how to go from trot to canter. He tried and tried, and when it finally happened right, he got abit too excited and bucked. He is in mad physical condition now, and getting quite spicy.

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## Suzi

You've done so much with him and given him so much love, he's just finding his feet by the sound of it... Are you fully recovered? Have you ridden him since?

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## Sissy

I am recovered yes, and I have ridden many times after. He is abit of an idiot if I try to ride alone without anyone else in the Woods, but I usually take Dante with me. Baron sees the dog as his boogieman bait, and fears pretty much nothing with the dog.

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## Suzi

So glad that you and Baron are still working together and going out on adventures. It's good you can take Dante with you too... 
How are your boys?

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## Sissy

Boys are fine. Summer break started, so they are living their life now.

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## Suzi

Yay for summer break! How long are they off school for? All back home with you? 
Did you ever get any more hens?

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## Sissy

10 weeks, they are with us and some times with their father. I have had my friend's son for few days here too, so he can spend time with Sebastian. They have slept in a tent and had a blast. I had few more hens, Lost some to that mycoplasma synoviae that was tested in my flock. We got chiks as Well.

Look at Baron here. I really love this picture.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CP3h7x6F...dium=copy_link

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## Stella180

Oh wow! That is a beautiful picture of your handsome boy.

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Sissy (08-06-21)

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## Paula

He is stunning!

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## Suzi

That's an amazing photo! He's stunning! The change in him is so obvious from when you first rescued him!

Sounds like you're having a great time with the boys too!

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## Sissy

If boys are happy, I am happy. Tomorrow I work all day in show jump competition. I try to sleep now. Good night everyone.

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Suzi (09-06-21)

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## Stella180

Goodnight.

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## Flo

Hi Sissy, lovely to have you back! So sorry to hear you've both been so unwell...how awful for you. But you both seem on the road to recovery now - however long that may take...it's 'a day at a time' and doing just what you feel up to doing. Have you thought of Baron having a session with a trainer? Hopefully it's something that can be sorted quickly. Pleased that your hubby is on the mend too. In my drinking days my BP used to be sky high so he's wise not to drink. Hugs and positive vibes coming your way.xxx

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Sissy (09-06-21)

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## Suzi

Hope that the show jumping goes well today!

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Sissy (09-06-21)

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## OldMike

> If boys are happy, I am happy. Tomorrow I work all day in show jump competition. I try to sleep now. Good night everyone.


Hope all goes well helping with the show jumping.

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Sissy (09-06-21)

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## Sissy

It was a long day, but I like being in there. I have a friend who is training Baron with me, so he can compete too. She has competed in pretty much every sort of riding competitions, and she likes it. She is very talented too. Baron loves to jump, but I don't. So if it seems going okay, she will compete with Baron, and I will be there to be the nervous train wreck. Le Dude was there as Well, he grilled sausages while I took care of the buffet.

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## Suzi

That seems like a lovely day! So glad you had a good day lovely!

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## Paula

How are you doing, lovely?

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## Sissy

It is 10 am here and I am still mad tired, but I feel quite fine. We have beautyful baby chicks in chickens coop, and weather is nice. Warm day but not yet too Hot, sun and few clouds. Just enough wind to blow mosquitoes away. I have my Coffee in peace, and then I go to see Baron. I might put him pulling a carriage so he can run as fast as he pleases. And boy is he fast. I will never put him competing in trotting race, but we have fun just having long runs. Or maybe I ride and take Dante with me. I see how I feel in few hours

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## Suzi

Aww I'd love to see pics of your baby chicks! 
I love that you've got some fabulous plans for you and Baron today! Take a picnic and go for a lovely day out!  :):

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## Sissy

https://www.instagram.com/p/CPv5Rd-l...dium=copy_link
https://www.instagram.com/p/CP5Hmp8F...dium=copy_link
https://www.instagram.com/p/CP8Oiu3F...dium=copy_link

2 first are chicks, Last is from our trip in the Woods.

I use an app called Equilab. It is free, and if you have friends using it, you can see where they go. I have the paid premium version, so Le Dude can see where I am going, and if something happen, where to go look for me. I can try to remember to post a link some time, so if you guys want to, you can see where we go.

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## Suzi

Those photos are awesome! Thank you for sharing!

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## Sissy

Thank you for being interested in our doings, I some times feel extremely lonely in a world where way too few People love animals of all kinds.

I did not mentiin, but I lost Elviira during winter. I had her for over 20 years. She was big part of my life, and I am still grieving her. Even she was "only a snake". But she was my snake, and I miss her.

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## Stella180

When a creature is in your life for that length of time of course you’re going to miss them. I like snakes. Handling them is strangely soothing.what type of snake was she?

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## Sissy

Boa constrictor, 3 meters long and weighting 15 kilograms

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Stella180 (12-06-21)

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## Suzi

I'm so sorry to hear about Elviira.. 

Hunni, I live with 3 rescue dogs, 2 ponds full of rescued goldfish and newts and we've developed a large amount of frogs who keep coming back to spawn! We had 7 frogs in the pond last night! We also have 2 stupid pigeons who quite regularly fall off the fence and loads of little sparrows who use one of our bushes and they bath in the waterfalls of the pond! I'm always amazed by how much wildlife we have!
Marc and Ben prefer dogs to people, and I totally get why. We love animals. We try to save any bees who need help! When our youngest was at primary school they used to make me pick up snails that were in the path and they sat and sobbed when they saw other people stamping on them.  Hazel is veggie, Fern and I vegan and my boys eat most things lol 
We love animals. I love seeing yours. I love how much you love them! I always think that the way people treat animals shows what kind of person they are!

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Sissy (10-06-21),Stella180 (12-06-21)

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## OldMike

Love the pictures Sissy thanks for sharing.

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## Sissy

Today was a weird one. It started abit "Off" and kept going weirdly and hilariously sideways till this point, where I sit in my bed, telling you guys about it with my Phone.

I woke up, with a banging head ache. I can't find my glasses, so blind as a workmans shoe, I went to kitchen to look for painkillers. I tipped over something, and found myself in a corner of our hallway, unharmed but abit irritated. I squat to see what was the thing that made me have an unauthorized tapdance session in hallway, seeing Floppy begging for treats. That rotten thing! I grabbed the bunny and went to get him a carrot. I got Coffee brewing, or at least I thought so. I tried to find those painkillers, but without my glasses I had to pull every pill botle out one by one, and squint my eyes to see the text. I found what I was looking for, and turned around to see the Coffee. Nada. I had forgot to push the power button. Using some "speech enhancers" I got that darn thing on, and started making sandwiches. That went oddly good, only mishap I had was with pickles, I managed to spill some of that vinegar water from the jar. No biggie. Now that Coffee. Or. No Coffee. Pot was empty, because I forgot the water. More enhanced speech, and water in the brewer. I turned around to see the cat eating ham from Le Dudes sandwich. Loud noises. Chasing the cat away, and I got a New slice of ham, and got mugs for Coffee. Coffee in the cups, and then Milk. Well. Without glasses, I poured buttermilk in my Coffee. Abit more enhanced vocabulary, and New Coffee in that mug, with Milk this time. I checked the carton twice to be sure. I start making my way back to bedroom with Coffee mugs and sandwiches, hearing the rascal bunny following me. I panicked abit, wondering if I will tip over his fluffy butt again. I didn't. But that cat was sittin on the bed, waiting for a New sacrifice. This time he got my cheese. When I finally had my breakfast in bed, Le dude looked at me, and asked if I was aware of my slippers being in wrong feet. No Wonder I felt funny walking. After all that mr Bean styled morning, I managed to Park our van so badly, Le dude had to help me, since I was too ticked Off to try to get it out in reverse. Then I broke half a dozen of eggs, because I sneezed, and the egg carton slipped from my hand. I also found my hand cream very sticky. Well. It was my sons hair gel. And now, here I am, laughing like an idiot, because I have had so dorky day wit all these "oh sh*t-moments", that tomorrow can only be better. Even being monday.

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## Paula

Oh, Im so sorry, lovely, but that made me giggle! And, enhanced vocabulary? I love that!!!

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## Sissy

Thank, and feel free to giggle all you want. It sure is sort of hilarious series of situations no one would imagine in one day.

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## Suzi

I love that phrase "blind as a workman's shoe!" It's not one I've heard before! "Unauthorised tapdance", "enhanced vocabulary"  :(rofl):   :(rofl): 

I'm so sorry, I laughed so much at that! Hope today is less Mr Bean!

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## Sissy

I don't know phrases suitable for this in english, so I just Come up with something and hope you get my brain farts

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## Suzi

I love them! Please, please, please never change!

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## Sissy

Ohhhhh don't worry. I will stay as myself, everyone else are already taken.

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Suzi (14-06-21)

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## Suzi

Epic! So true!

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## Sissy

I feel something is Off. I don't know what, but something is not quite right. I feel exhausted, and constant heaviness in my body. I have this really strange fatigue lingering in my head. I try to sleep. But I have nightmares, and going to bed is kind of scary. At least I saw my dad, syep mom and one of my sisters today. Last time was at fall. This corona is really making life... Strange.

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## Suzi

It is strange everywhere atm. 

Have you tried meditation? Mindfulness? 
Are the nightmares being triggered by something? 
How was seeing your family?

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## Sissy

I miss them madly all the time, so I was happy to see them. I have nightmares alot, it has always been that way. It gets really tough when they are about People I love. If they are just random scary stuff, I kind of take them as my private horror movie session. But I often cry in my sleep, even scream. It scares the boys. And it scares me too. I dream alot of weird stuff, not long ago I had a dream where I was dressed up as the easter bunny, all pink and fluffy with ribbons and stuff. I was unhappy and anxious, but it was not that bad. But if I skeep trying to save my family from a burning house, sinking ship Or from bad People, I give hell to whole house with the skin crawling screaming. Nothing really helps. It has been like this all my life. I some times think this is normal, and all People are like this. And am shocked when I realise it is not the case. I am a horror freak, but this is not quite fun. Le Dude usually wakes up before I "start singing him the song of my people", and shakes me awake. Which is nice. He tells me I talk alot in my sleep, and says it is some times terrifying. I grabbed his arm once, and told him "what ever happen, don't wear my face". He did not sleep that night.

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## Suzi

I had nightmares like that when I took tramadol. They were horrific. It's now listed that I never want to be given it again - the kind of dream where you know that you are dreaming but you can't wake up.... Is it the same if you're given sleeping meds?

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## Sissy

Yes. I refuse most of the sleeping pills for this reason. But I also have nightmares even if I take none.

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## Suzi

Oh love... I hate nightmares, they always leave me unsettled the following day too...  :(bear):   :(bear):

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## Sissy

I had a fun day today. We went for a 2 hour ride with my friend, Baron was abit silly, but not mean or naughty. Her horse is called Repe, and he was nice as well. Some days they act like they have been eating dork-energy bars, and jump like moose around, being scared of pine cones and frogs. Not today. We enjoyed lovely Woods, nice weather, and absolutely hilarious conversations.

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## Paula

Sounds lovely  :):

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## Suzi

Sounds like a day that's just plainly good for the soul!

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## OldMike

Sounds like a nice time Sissy, I think horses like cats can be a bit skittish I'm glad Baron didn't have his silly hat on and behaved in a sensible manner.

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## Sissy

Silly hat! Ohhhhh myyyy goodnesss! We have no saying like that in finnish at all, I will make it stick among "my People"! I love that. Splendid.

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## Suzi

:(rofl):   :(rofl):  Talking of silly hats, when my children were little and we were going to the woods for a walk they used to have to put on their (invisible to everyone apart from us as we didn't want to show everyone where the treasure was) explorer hats.... It made them excited about going out and looking for dinosaur footprints....  :O:

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## Sissy

Sounds fun! I keep saying Baron has dork energy, and that's where the dork energy bar came from. I washed him today with a friend, shampoo and all. He was not amused.

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## Suzi

:(rofl):  Who got the wettest?

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## Sissy

I had a raincoat!

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## Sissy

Heat wave has hit us. Dogs, horses and birds are the ones that suffer the most. I clipped my dogs furs down, and they look awful now, but better ugly than dead with Heat stroke. Birds are laying in shadows and digging up all my flower beds to find moist soil to cool in. Horses drinks hundreds of litres of water, they get extra electrolytes and salt since they can sweat it all out during a day like this. We have +26°C in shade, and it is 10:45 am.

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OldMike (21-06-21)

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## Suzi

We had it like that last week - 30oC... Sticky, humid and bloody horrible! I hope it passes love. Stay cool, hydrated and in the shade!

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## Sissy

Hell is loose again. Le Dude grabbed the bottle, and my weekend was a mess. I started to look for a place of my own, and he is hopefully starting his way to really quit drinkin completely. If we split, I can't keep Baron. But that is what will happen, if he won't start doing something permanent to this problem. I don't have the energy to tell about this more. I feel like I am losing everything. The love of my life, this farm and my animals. Just because he can not be trusted when he drinks. Either he goes to clinic and starts the program, or I leave with my kids. It hurts. So bad.

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## Paula

Oh sweetheart,, Im so sorry  :Panda: . I truly hope he takes this as the wake up call he needs, for all your sakes

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## Suzi

Oh lovely, I am so, so, so sorry. Is he going to the clinic?

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## Strugglingmum

I'm so sorry Sissy. It's a horrible situation to be in .  :Panda: 
I really hope he quits for good. X

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## Sissy

He is going. Fist day today. Too early to say anything about it yet.

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## Paula

Going for treatment?

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## Sissy

Yes. Seeing a nurse daily if needed, support group is building up. Seeing a doctor when he can, getting an appointment later.

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## Suzi

How are you coping love?

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## OldMike

I'm so sorry Sissy drink can be a real demon and can only be sorted if Le dude really wants it and as for losing Baron if you split don't know what to say as you love that horse so much  :(bear):   :Panda:

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## Flo

So sorry to hear that he's back on the bottle. Sadly, stopping has to be what he wants and only him. I can understand you wanting to leave, for YOUR mental well being and the kids' too. I'm pleased that he has medical support. If you leave then the drinking may get worse before it gets better itms. But you must consider your life too. I really hope he can get things together, and more importantly, that he has to understand that he just get away with one beer, one vodka etc...it just does not work!! Any chance he can spend a few months in rehab that involves the Twelve Step Programme? Even if it is a long way away. It may cost quite a bit where you are...I don't know anything about your health system....but it will be money well spent. No contact with family for 6 weeks or so which will give you and the children a break too. Long term sobriety is a way of life and the changes and sacrifices needed to stay that way. I do hope he finds a way. Personally Sissy..the odd visit to a clinic, the Dr or a nurse just isn't going to work...wish you were here, I could do so much more for you. Good luck sweetie.

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OldMike (09-07-21),Suzi (07-07-21)

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## Sissy

Problems is, participating that program costs 10 000-15 000€,which I seriously do not have. I can not take a bank loan for it. So this is what we have to try. I am worried, and sad, and desperate. He is not a bad person. But there is just so much I can do, and unless I win the lottery, I can not get him to minnesota-type clinic. So. I am here, if he needs me. First time ever he said he feels he wants to quit for good, completely. So I am seeing this through. Even if you think it won't work.

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## Paula

You have to try what you can, and he is going into this wanting to get it right this time. I hope and pray itll work  :Panda:

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## Jaquaia

Keeping everything crossed for you! The key thing is he wants to quit completely this time

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## Suzi

Him wanting to quit is most of the battle love. That's really important hunni. 
That's a huge cost for treatment. Do you have things like Alcohol Anonymous? A support group that he could attend?

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## Strugglingmum

A willingness to stop is definitely a positive.  Thinking of you all. It's a tough road.

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## Flo

That's a ridiculous amount of money to have to pay for treatment...few people could afford it. Thank God for the NHS! Of course he's not a bad person, he has just lost his way that's all. It's just a shame that apart from you and a few others there isn't that crucial back up that's so important in the early stages of recovery...but having said that, I know a few people that have stopped drinking and haven't had a drink for 10-15 years, so it can be done Sissy, and if he means he wants to stop then he can do it, it's just not quite the same as being surrounded by people who are also trying to stop. Has he ever been prescribed Antabuse?xx

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Suzi (09-07-21)

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## Sissy

He has been prescribet it before, and now also. Antabus is not a solution, but it gives an extra tool to deal with this. I am slightly worried though, since it is not like he enjoys drinking, but it feels like he has to drink to calm his body and mind.

I start in a new Job tomorrow. I start at local gas station, we will see how things will turn out. It is only 2 months now, but maybe if I do Well, I get a longer contact.

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## Suzi

Good luck for the first day tomorrow - will you let us know how you get on?

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## Sissy

I will. I have to be at work at 5:45 am, so I try to get some sleep now.

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## Suzi

Sleep well lovely x

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## Sissy

I had a busy day. I had so much to learn, and I tried my Best to learn as much as I can. There was tons of gas, coffee, food and cigarettes People bought from gas station, that I was actually surprised. I go next to buy plant pots, I have alot of plants to repot, and sapplings to move around. Or do you call house plants sapplings when you cut them from big plant and after roots grow, put them in pots of their own?

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## Flo

I've always associated saplings with baby trees.....but the word 'cuttings' is what is usually used in the UK when you take a cutting from a larger plant, stick it in some water until roots appear then plant it in a small pot of it's own to mature. I'm not very green fingered I'm afraid sissy! I can understand Le Dude not enjoying his drinking anymore we call it 'you can't live with it, but you can't live without it.!
Withdrawals from booze is horrible and frightening so we have to drink to get rid of the shakes and sweats and rapid heart beat. I really feel for him. He's trying. You're right when you say that Antabuse isn't the solution..it doesn't get rid of the problem, it just scares you into stopping because the consequences of drinking while taking it can be life threatening. It's all a nightmare of a roller coaster that you can't get off. But I'm pleased that you have a job...it may be busy but sometimes it's a good thing..you'll soon get the hang of it. Lots of luck with it and hugs for you and Le Dude.xx

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## Suzi

Did you enjoy your shift at work? How often are you working?

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## Sissy

I did not enjoy it perse, but not suffer it either. It was okay, and I believe I will be working 3 to 5 shifts per week

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## Suzi

Glad it wasn't bad lovely.

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## Sissy

I got a 2 months contact for now, but it might be longer if I do okay. I did a late shift today. A other late one tomorrow, and an early shift on thursday again. Then 2 days Off and late shift on sunday. I try to work Hard and learn as fast as I can.

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## Suzi

I don't doubt you do anything but work hard love. You're awesome. 

How are things with Le Dude and the boys?

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## Strugglingmum

I dont doubt you will soon learn your job quickly and maybe you will enjoy it better when it is not so new. You are doing so well, new job, supporting le dude hope you get some riding time with Baron to relax. 
Sending  :Panda:

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Suzi (14-07-21)

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## Sissy

I am learning. This far I like all my co workers too. I have 2 days Off now, and have a late shift on sunday.

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## Suzi

I'm so glad you get on well with your coworkers lovely, that's a huge thing! 
I hope you've got some self care things planned for your two days off  :O:

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## Paula

Youre awesome!

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## Flo

Sounds like you're settling into your job really well, and it's always a bonus if you get on with your co-workers. I'm really pleased for you.x

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## Sissy

I don't like all the things I am hearing, but I do like People I work with. It is a family business, where employers see us workers as replaceble assets, and it bothers me. But serving customers is what I do like.

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## OldMike

In England saplings are small trees and when you cut a shoot off a bigger plant and root it in some compost we call that cuttings.

Hope you're enjoying working at the gas station when I was a kid (a loooonnnnggg time ago) and you went to a gas station the attendant used to fill the car up for you and wipe the windscreen than take your money, how times have changed you fill you car up yourself and then go and pay.

Is Baron being a good boy?

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## Suzi

Sorry that your bosses don't seem to value their employees love, but at least you like your coworkers and dealing with customers... Do you have any plans for today?

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## Sissy

We did all sorts of stuff to be ready for our next big competitions. Well I won't compete, and Baron even less, but I work at buffet whole weekend. We have probably over 500 starts, so I know I will be busy.

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## Suzi

Wow! that sounds really busy! Why aren't you competing?

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## Sissy

Show jumping is not my thing. And Baron is a trotter, he is not much of a jumper by his body build. But he likes jumping, so occasionally we to some small ones. I am not very competitive person in general, so I don't see myself competing in any disclipine whatso ever. I did compete in dressage when I was younger. But not anymore. Unless they arrange something like "egg in a spoon" race.

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## Suzi

Wow dressage is so refined! That's cool. Why did you stop? 
The only race I ever won was an egg and spoon race when I was in primary school!  :):

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## Sissy

I just never enjoyed competing. I wasn't bad, but definitely not too good either. And as a teenager I just loved trail riding so much more. And that is what we mainly do with Baron. Long rides to bushes

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## Suzi

Oh me too, that was always my favourite too!

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## Sissy

I remember when we talked about Baron having a silly hat on. He had it today, and so did his friends as well. Aal and Saretti are his Best pals, and we often go on trail training together. We did that today. And all three were being a bunch of monkies. But No harm done, we got past a suspicious tree branch, a storming mud puddle, scary mailboxes and an imaginary squirrel. Work is tiring, and Le Dude started at new Job too. I am hoping us both getting used to this fast, I hate being so exhausted I can't wait to go to sleep. Bed time as a Best moment of the day does not really fulfill my expectations. But getting used to things takes time.

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## Paula

Oh, that made me giggle - Baron is such a character!

Sorry youre still struggling with work, lovely, I really hope the exhaustion eases. How is Le Dude doing?

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## Suzi

That's hilarious! Sounds like when I take my dogs out! 

Are you working a lot of shifts this week? How's it going for Le Dude?

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## Sissy

Doing okay for now. He said he does not want to drink anymore, but that is just one step on the road to recovery. Not wanting to drink is not quite tha same as wanting to quit drinking completely. He says he does not want to drink anymore. I have seen him being able not to. Problems has been, he never said before he does not want to drink again. So I try to support him on his way, but he has to take all those steps by him self. And People he works with now all worry me. All are Heavy drinkers, and I fear company will get him to slip. But what can I do, other than see this through? He knows I won't stay with him unless he keeps going to clinic, meeting nirses, doctors and other addicts trying to get better. I love this person more than my own life. So it hirts when I have to think about what happens if he grabs the bottle again.

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## Suzi

What's the job he's got that you're worried about? All you can do is support him and try to trust him. But, you are right. He does still need to go to the meetings, appointments and actually not drink...

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## Sissy

He builds bridges over highways.

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## OldMike

Jobs that involve hard physical labour often have a drinking culture Sissy all you can do is support him the best you can.

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## Suzi

That sounds like an interesting job!

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## Sissy

I worry he hurts himself at work. I worry he'll choose the bottle over this family again. I worry I have to once again pick up my self and try to learn how to live my life alone. I have made him a priority in my life, right after my Kids. And I feel I am just an option, when it comes to drinking. It hurts. And even if he sees me and boys as a priority, he still seems to choose the bottle over us. Not often, and definitely not like I have heard it happening in many other relationships. But when it happens, it feels like the ultimate betrayal. And worst thing in this is, your enemies and People that wish you harm can not betray you. Betrayal always comes from the ones we love and trust. And it is one of the worst pains I have ever experienced. And look at me, once again whining about something like this. Over thinking and over analyzing. I am breaking my own heart by thinking too much.

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## Suzi

You aren't whining at all. Living with and loving someone who is an addict is so impossibly hard. I hope and pray that he is able to stick to not drinking.

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## Flo

hi Sissy.. you aren't whining at all love. I'm the queen of over analysing and over thinking..but it's something a lot of us do. What you mustn't think is that Le Dude is betraying you or the children. He loves you all dearly. The disease (and it IS a disease) of alcoholism is incredibly powerful. The compulsion to drink is incredibly powerful. Drinking escalates to the point that whether he likes it or not - and the same goes for you and the boys! - the illness will overpower the drinker to the point that all efforts to control it is gone. The mental power of alcoholism, or drug addiction is immense! Now I have no doubt that he wants to stop...at the moment he is 'dry' not sober. But now, alcoholism is screaming at his head and his body to take another drink..it's the disease, not him. It's horrible for him and for your family. I agree that you must consider the mental health of yourself and the boys and if things get bad then you must do what you have to do to save your own sanity. The way I see it is that it can go one of two ways. Left to his own devices because the rest of you (quite rightly) leave because you've had enough might either make him drink again because he's lost everything OR it will shock him into action to do everything he can to stay dry with the possibility of becoming sober for good! You mustn't be his nurse maid and do everything for him, or be around to catch him when he falls. He's a big boy who knows what the problem is and must go all out to get as much AA influence as he can..by phone, Zoom meetings, being with others who are at the same stage and encourage each other. It's an awful illness and I feel so sorry for him and for you and the boys. I can only imagine what you're going through. Believe me I've seen entire families ruined because of this bloody disease. The promises that are broken time after time. And when children are involved it's even worse. You're doing what you can, and I'm pleased you have a job and are making new friends ....you must have a life outside the home. I have an idea that might help if Le Dude is serious about stopping. I expect you have a local newspaper. You can put in a small advert saying: "I would love to hear from anyone who is a friend of Dr. Bob and Bill W".......then add a phone number. No one but an AA member would know what that means and if he's lucky, a few people might jump in and 'phone him to help! Give it a go. It's worth a try.xx

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Suzi (21-07-21)

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## Sissy

Does that work internationally? I have never seen anything like that, but I am going to try to take this up with him. Maybe he takes a catch and gives it a go. It just is so very Hard for me to talk about this with him. He gets irritated, and I feel powerless.

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## Flo

Yes Sissy, the men concerned were the people that started AA in Akron Ohio in 1934. If you just translate the Dr. part into your own language then the names remain the same. It is a message that people use and put on the message board if they are on holiday on a cruise ship, or in a hotel etc., solely to get in touch with another AA member. And the irritability LD feels is as a result of coming off the bottle...very common. His mind will probably be constantly telling him to have a drink. This illness is sly, insidious and cunning. It will try every trick in the book to urge him to drink. I don't know how long he's been dry, but this feeling should subside in time and his body and mind will get better, but ironically this is just the time when he will need the support of some fellow sober alcoholics to offer advice so that LD can turn his life around. It's not easy, but it can work if he wants it to. And yes Sissy, you are powerless to do anything. This situation has to be changed by him and only him. If he becomes sober then your encouragement will help and you can tell him how proud you are of him. Don't let him blame you for anything....we tend to want to blame everyone else and anything else for our drinking. There are going to be times that you feel as if you can't do anything right!! In this case remove yourself from the situation. You are not to blame for any of this. This is his problem not yours. You mentioned that his workmates drink and you worry that this might influence his drinking. Men can be funny creatures when it comes to their mates and the pub! There seems to be something macho about the amount of beer a guy can pour down his throat! But there's nothing macho about throwing up on the pavement, driving a car and hitting someone and going home and abusing your partners! Three men will have beer then a newly sober member of the group will ask for a Coke and quite rightly, but people can be unkind and make them feel 'girly' for not having a pint!! If this is the case then he has to stop getting into this situation until he feels confident that he can handle it. But his real friends will be proud of him and support his non drinking decision. It's important that he stays away from wet places for the time being.

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## Suzi

Hunni this is what I've found for AA in Finland - hope it helps... https://alcoholics-anonymous.eu/meet...region=finland

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## Sissy

Everything around my area is off the schedule due covid-19. Not a big surprise. Le Dude works long days, yesterday it was a 12 hours shift. He is too rired to drink, but who knles how the pressure of co workers will affect him. I know he has been able to break addictions on his own before, so I hope he will manage again. But this illness is string, and I know I can't understand it even if I tried.

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Flo (22-07-21)

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## Suzi

I'm quite grateful that I don't understand it. I will never understand that when I was pregnant with our youngest, my FIL was told if he didn't stop drinking he wouldn't see them born. He didn't stop. He continued and only passed away in the last few years, but the damage he did to both his children and to all 3 of ours will be there for years and years to come. My middle one explained it really well when she was about 8, she said that it was like having a scab but you just have to keep picking it... She, however, was the first who said that they didn't want anything to do with him as she didn't understand why she wasn't enough for him to stop drinking.... 

Keep talking love.

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Flo (22-07-21)

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## Sissy

I know it is not about me being not good enough. It just feels horrible to be let down over and over because of alcohol. He said he was ashamed and disapointed in himself, and yet he could not stop. I have No ide what to do to help him. I am tired. Exhausted. I am letting this farm go, and move out. I need to get rid of my chickens. I can't bring them to sub urbs. But we can not stay in here. We need a new start. We move in my moms house, and she will leave this whole town. She found a man in her life, and wants to go and stay with him. So. Changes. Big ones. We move as fast as we can arrange it.

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## Suzi

:Panda:   :(bear):   :Panda:   :(bear):

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## Paula

Oh love, Im so sorry but Im sure you know whats the right thing for your little family.. I dont want to ask a potentially difficult question but whats happening with Baron?

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## Sissy

Baron stays.le Dude moves with us. We need to get away from these neighbours, who keep drinking and makes things even harder for us. My Kids are afraid of them, and it is difficult for Jani to stay away from that temptation.

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## Paula

:Panda:

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## Strugglingmum

:Panda:   huge changes for you. It's not easy. I hope you can get things sorted quickly.

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## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

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## Suzi

I'm so sad for you that you are letting the farm go, especially your chickens. Is your Mum's closer to your work? Neighbours are all good?

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## Flo

As hard and distressing as it may be to have to leave your farm and animals, this could be the best for all of you at this time. Can Baron be used as a riding school horse for the time being so that you won't have the expenses on top of everything else? Will Le Dude be nearer meetings and more help? It's certainly a good idea to get the kids away from the neighbours. I wish you the best of luck and I hope LD takes advantage of his new surroundings and puts his mind to becoming sober for good. :Panda:

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## Sissy

I hate to leave my chickens. But it will be closer to town. I don't like all the neighbours there either, but we get to cut expenses with this. Baron won't be good for riding school, he can't do that much. I have trained him for trail riding and for long distance. I am very lazy to tarin and teach him, flat work is abit too boring at this time. Nothing changes with Baron. He never was on this farm, he has been in a private stable where I pay for his care monthly. We are keeping him, and I see if I get a permission to have some chicken at my moms house

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Flo (24-07-21)

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## Paula

You sound so sad, love.

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## Suzi

You do sound sad, Paula is right... I wish I could give you a f*cking big hug xxx  :(bear):   :(bear):   :(bear):

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## Sissy

I am devastated. But right now I need to do this, even it breaks my heart. Jani wants to do this, to get away from the continuous temptation to grab the bottle with neighbours. We are looking for a farm to buy to be our own. Just now I need to do the sacrifice to give my birds away. This place is expensive to rent, and things are not taking a turn to better unless we leave.

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## Suzi

Is there no way your birds could come with you?

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## Sissy

We will be living in sub urban area, if we fight for it, we can keep max 5 hens, no rooster. I don't really see much point in that. I do this, for this family. I hate fighting, and in situations like this, choosing 5 of my girls feels unbearable.

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## Suzi

I'm so sorry lovely...

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## Sissy

I just think I try to have at least that 5 birds with me. It is better than none. But we will see. I don't hold my breath, but I will try.

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## Suzi

I hope you get them lovely. How's work going?

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## Sissy

Tiring. I am going to do shift alone now. It makes me worry abit.

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## Paula

Hope it goes well. And Im sending you hugs, cos I think you need them  :Panda:

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## Strugglingmum

Such a lot going on and such huge changes. 
I really admire you Sissy fighting so hard for your family and happiness. You are so strong, even though you probably dont feel it.  X

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## Suzi

I hope work is easy for you lovely.

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## Sissy

Thank you for encouragement, I really do not feel string at all. Not even a little. But there are things that has to be done, so that's what I am doing.

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## Paula

You are very strong, otherwise you wouldnt be doing those things that need to be done

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## Suzi

I agree, you are definitely a very strong person.

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## Flo

I totally agree with the others......you have a great inner strength and you are getting things done. I admire your bravery and courage.xx

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## Sissy

I am very tired after work. I hope it eases fast. I am getting my first pay check soon, it helps me a tiny bit. Pay is not too good, but better than none. Weekend extras andlate night extras are making this doable. I manage to make ends meet, but it is still a tight call. Jani makes better money than me, but he is very generous with it. Me and Kids never have to ask if we need something, and I can't buy it.

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## Suzi

That's how it should be in a relationship I believe. It's not about "his" and "yours" but about "ours".. 

Shift work is always exhausting.... Make sure you are taking time out to look after you hunni.. 
How do your boys feel about the move?

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## Sissy

Well. None of us is too happy, but this is what we need to do. I still feel uncomfortable when needing to ask him to pay something that is not his responsibility. Like school payments for Kids. Because he is not their father, who in my opinion is the one that should particioate more. But that is a whole a other matter I don't have energy for right now

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## Suzi

Hunni, he wants to be with you and has taken on the boys with you...

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## Sissy

Yes, that is True. That is why I feel so sad he is struggling with an illness as bad as alcoholism. I know he wants to get better. But it wears me out when things go sideways

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## Suzi

It's going to love, but you're a team..

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## Sissy

I am trying to find out who I need to be in touch with, to get a permission to take few birds to my moms house. This is abit Hard. But I can't give up just yet

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## Flo

In the UK..as far as I am aware.... it is suggested that you phone DEFRA (Department of Food and Rural Affairs) to let them know that you are keeping hens, one reason is if you have a large amount of hens (which I don't think you have) the other reason is so that they can contact you if there is any disease which may affect your flock and others. This isn't an absolute law but a sensible suggestion. The other people you may like to contact is your local Council that deals with the area that you are going to live in. Again, this isn't a hard and fast law. They probably won't mind and will consider you a responsible owner if you tell them. Finally, you can ask the neighbours either side of you if they would mind you keeping a few. If they are happy then you've covered all bases. The only concern that the neighbours and council might have is if the hens will attract vermin, If you can assure them that you'll do your best to avoid this problem then I can't see any reason for you to just carry on and enjoy them! You can always give the neighbours a few eggs to keep them sweet! :(giggle):  Re your other half, his illness isn't going to be an easy fix and you're bound to feel anxious, but Suzi and Co are right when they say that in a relationship any assets involve both of you and money is shared. He knew what he was getting himself into when he met you. Your boys are now his boys...this is the way it is. But in mine and Ian's case I have it sorted. What's his is mine, and what's mine is my own!! :(rofl):

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Stella180 (30-07-21),Suzi (30-07-21)

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## Suzi

How are you love?

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## Sissy

Mad tired. So many things I can not remember at work. I am exhausted all the time. And can't get enough sleep either. It is difficult to calm down when I get home late and know I gotta be back at work early

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## Suzi

Oh love, I'm sorry. Shift work can be really, really tough to get used to. Are you getting help at home or are you having to run the house etc? Do you have a moving day?

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## Sissy

We need to be gone by the end of August. No help, house is not running itself either. Jani does alot though.

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## Suzi

Can you ask your boys for more help? Especially whilst you are adjusting to the new shift patterns...

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## Sissy

I have my permission to have chickens there now. I need to cut my flock to minimum, so I am rehoming some as fast as I can arrange. This has been a total chaos. On top of everything, our days Off are never at same time, so we are trying to make progress on our own. And it is so hard. And tiring. And and and. But I am trying.

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## Strugglingmum

:Panda: 
You are doing so well and coping amazingly with it all. 
Moving is so stressful at the best of times. Try to remember why you are doing this and the hope it gives you for the future. Xx

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## Suzi

All you can do is keep trying hunni. You're doing amazingly to keep on with this. 
How are you doing hunni? Are you managing to deal with all the emotions and thoughts? 
How is Le Dude's drinking?

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## Flo

Good for you! Glad you have permission for chooks. You have a lot on your plate at the moment but it will all come together soon.xx

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## Sissy

I am trying to live my own life and focus on my own Well being. He drinks, but actually very responsibly now. One if any, and not every day. He has not been trying to get drunk at all. Which surprises me, because it has never been like this. He says he wants to be like normal people with this. But I am not holding my breath for any kind of miracle. I am just happy he can have one, and have sparkling water after that.

He is building bridges over highways, or any other bigger roads. I have been helping him every now and then, if something happens during weekend, and nobody else is available. It is hard. Physically and emotionally, because those bridges scare me alot. It is terrifying working on a bridge while big trucks woosh under. I fear falling.

I am trying to keep my sanity in the middle of this all. I work all sorts of shifts, and am still learning so much. I am tired, but very happy I have a job.

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## Suzi

That's great news that he's trying hard with it. Still sure that you have to move? 
That does sound scary with fast paced traffic etc.

Are you actually getting any resting and recharging time at all?

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## Sissy

I do have to move. We can not stay here for so many reasons, and it is way too long list to start now. But we are taking boxes after boxes after boxes... Slowly but surely this will get done.

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## Suzi

Packing and moving are horrible jobs - even more so when you'd rather stay where you are in the first place. You will make this new place yours and I'm sure it'll be a home filled with love and good things...

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## Paula

:Panda:

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## Sissy

I love this farm. But I hate the fact our land lord is an alcoholic, and Jani is tempted to join him drinking all the time. It is unfair for us all. Also many other things are problematic. Nothing gets done unless we do it. I am tired of broken Windows and messy yard, where dogs and Kids may Hurt themselves. I am fed up with not having enough oil to heat up water for showering, and needing to carry firewood because whole house gets so cold when nobody has paid for oil. I am tired of watching the Flow of People getting drunk next door all the time. I am sick and tired of cleaning up the mess those People cause, and trying to comfort my boys when they are afraid of drunken grown ups.

No way we can stay. And now when I have my permit to take chickens with me, I don't even want to stay anymore. I got Baron. I got my family. I can keep some of my birds.

F this place. Maybe I will have my own farm one day. Until then, I will make my home where I can have my family safe.

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## Paula

Sounds like its the right decision for you all.

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## Suzi

Sounds like a nightmare love, definitely sounds like it's what you need for you, Jani and your boys. Get out and build on love and safety...

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## Sissy

I have to put things in right perspective and proportion. I think it is the change that terrifies me most. But this change is needed. Jani wants to go. I don't want to stay. My mom is already gone. What am I still doing in here, where rent is way too high and things tend to get out of hand? I just need the strength to pull this Off. And I am so exhausted it feels in my body.

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## OldMike

Definitely go for it moving sounds the best option I know it is scary but you can do it  :Panda:

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## Flo

You're doing the right thing Sissy, as much as it's very difficult and exhausting at the moment. This is a new chapter in all of your lives, and it's meant to be. I'm sure all will be well soon.xx

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## Sissy

I have a total chaos in two houses at the same time. But things move on. We are planning to paint the walls and do some renovations all over the house. I miss my mom. But I know she is still out there. And I can hop in my car and drive few hours if I need to see her. I am so happy she is happy.

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## Suzi

Sorry about missing your Mum lovely.... How far have you got with the move?

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## Sissy

Well, almost all my books are at moms house by now. Most of dishes as well, and a big majority of my clothing. And yarn. Some furniture too, and Kids toys etc. Janis clothes are difficult, and he needs to see what he wishes to keep himself, what I see worth keeping may be completely different from what he wishes to keep. I buy most of his clothes these days, and his wardrobe starts to look alot like mine. Black, faded Black, pastel Black, neon Black, and very dark Grey.  :(rofl): 

He likes colours, but I suck with them. Only colours I personally like, are Black, Grey, White and purple. Dark blue is already pushing it. And he likes Red, yellow, Green and blue. Bright. We often look like a goth and a circus run away together. And while I am a goth, he sure never ran away from this circus. 

I am so tired I am losing my sense of humour, I apologize. Takes me forever to answer any questions, get any jokes or Come up with anything funny. I barely recognise myself like this. But we are pushing though this, and then I will be the same nut you once knew - again. I have a day Off today, so I am packing up my knit books and magazines. I try to go though the massive amounts of make up I have, maybe I could toss some away. I am sure I have been hoarding stuff that is already expired.

Oh, oh, ohhhhh! Most of my new plants are doing great! I am so happy. I have been teaching myself some macrame so I can have nice plant hangers.

And did I even mention I bought a car? I got myself a Volvo v40. It is an automat, which annoys me, but I am getting used to it. I like that car alot already. I named her wombat.  :(happy):

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Flo (20-08-21)

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## OldMike

Just wear what you like Sissy  :):  Wombat the car is so cute.

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## Paula

Please, please try to get some rest, hunni, it wont do anyone any good if you crash..

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## Suzi

I agree, you are so busy with moving etc, starting a new job, the emotional impact of Janni's drinking etc... You have to find a way of stopping and resting for a while hunnipie, before you burnout! 
Yay for wombat, house plants and macrame!

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## Sissy

I am trying to arrange something nice for myself while doing all this. I take a moment here and there to sit down, have coffee and read or just look at my plants. When this is done, life gets back to how it is supposed to be.

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## Suzi

I'm glad you're taking time out for you. It's really important.

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## Sissy

I met my dad and step mom during weekend. I miss them alot since they live far too. But at least my parents are alive. I know Jani misses his parents, but they are both gone. So it feels abit unfair to complain about missing mine.

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## Suzi

It's not unfair to miss them at all. Your feelings are valid love. Just because yours are here and Jani's aren't it doesn't mean you can't miss them or be annoyed by them or any other emotions.

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## Paula

I couldnt agree with Suzi more. 7 years ago my parents moved away to literally the other end of the country. I was devastated so I completely understand how you feel..

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## Stella180

I lost both of my parents 8 years ago. Of course I miss them but do I begrudge others who still have there parents? No. I would say it is ok to miss them and to spend every available moment you can with them either on person or by phone or email, because you never know when it will be the last.

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## Sissy

You are right, as usual. It still feels unfair to complain about it, while he has only his memories. But he likes my parents alot, and maybe he gets some comfort having them in his life. I brought all my plants here to new house, so it is easier for me to care for them. Now I just need my cats and birds, and my life feels better.

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## Suzi

Are you nearly finished moving? Well done love. 
How are Jani and the boys feeling about the move? 
How's the job going?

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## Flo

You're almost there Sissy....it's a lot of hassle and it's exhausting but you'll reap the benefits very soon. Lots of luck in your new home.xx

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## OldMike

Life is so much better with cats [insert cat smiley here] you're getting there.

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## Suzi

How are you doing lovely?

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## Sissy

Work. Moving is still going, and I am exhausted. This is hell, but it will get done eventually

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## Paula

How much longer before the move is done, lovely?

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## Suzi

Are you getting any time where you can just be kind to yourself? Maybe sit down with a good book or a movie or something?

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## Sissy

Deadline is at hand, and I may not be able to get it done in time. So No rest for the wicked.

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## Suzi

When is the deadline? Are your boys helping?

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## Sissy

Tomorrow. And there is still hell alot to do. But we got few days extra to keep pushing

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## Suzi

:Panda:  You'll get it done love, I know it's shit right now.... Long term it should be better, I hope.

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## Strugglingmum

Thinking of you. X

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## Paula

:Panda:

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## Sissy

We are almost done with the old house. Almost. I even have my birds here. And I got a new contact for my job, to the end of 2022. So I am happy, at least life should be abit easier that way.

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## Strugglingmum

Oh that all sounds positive Sissie. Will you get a chance to rest a bit now? So pleased about your job. Hopefully that will ease a bit of stress for you.

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## Suzi

That's so good news on both levels! Are you beginning to settle in the new house?

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## Paula

Great news, hunni. You sound relieved  :):

----------


## OldMike

Things are looking good for you Sissy.

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## Sissy

I am relieved. We have settled in quite ok. I try to take time some day soon to tell about this all abit more. I feel I am home.

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## Paula

Thats wonderful news!

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## Suzi

That's the most awesome post!

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## Sissy

This is my day Off, and I have been taking it very easy. I have been tending my plants, taking to my chickens, playing with dogs and just sitting down and enjoying the silence. We still have stuff to unpack, but it is getting better every day.

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## Suzi

That's an awesome post. I'm proud of you! I'm so glad you seem to be settling in well. What are your neighbours like?

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Flo (18-09-21)

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## Sissy

Most are fine. 2 are bad, but what can I do.

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## Paula

Sounds to me that this is the start to the rest of your life together  :): . Hows Le Dude doing?

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## Suzi

What's the issue with the 2 bad ones?

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## Strugglingmum

So glad you're setting in and enjoying relaxing for a while

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## Sissy

One is my ex bf's mom, who always hated me. She is not too smart, but has an unpleadant opinion to every matter. She also has a problems to every solition there is. Other is retided military man who thinks my dogs are too noisy. He keeps threathening with law suit, because Tosca barks. So. Those are the bad ones. Rest are nice. Jani is doing okay. He likes this house, and sees why I am happier in here. This is where I grew up as a teenager. We moved here when I was 9, and even this house brings me some terrifying memories, it still brings me tons of good ones too. And I somehow se se my mom around here, even she is far.

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## Suzi

Sorry you have some terrifying memories love...  :Panda: 

Are you close with your Mum even though she is far away? 
So glad Jani is happy. How's the drinking? 

We have a neighbour like your military man.... Some people are just difficult....

----------


## Sissy

Wow those autocorrections my Phone has made to that message... Solution, unpleasant, problem, sense.

Drinking is under control, but still there.

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## Suzi

I thought he was stopping drinking? I'm glad it's under control love... 
My phone makes lots of autocorrect! I often have to rewrite texts so they actually make sense lol

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## Sissy

I didn't have time to spell check, and that was result to that!

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## OldMike

Some people are just difficult they think they know everything and have an answer to everything best just to nod and don't argue as you can never win.

Only auto correct here is me  :(giggle):

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## Suzi

It was still easy to understand!  :):

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## Flo

Glad you are settling in ok. Everyone seems to have the odd miserable neighbour....why don't they just get a life?!! Things are looking up for you and I'm really pleased. Long may it continue. :Kiss:

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## Sissy

> Are you close with your Mum even though she is far away?


Yes. At least compaired to any other familymember, I am. I don't keep in touch with pretty much anybody else but my mom, dad and step mom. Sisters, abit. Occasionally with my aunt, uncles, never. Cousins, the same exept for one. I just don't feel I belong, when it comes to extended family. I have been the Black sheep always, if not the Wolf.

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## Suzi

I identify with that very, very much...

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## OldMike

Black sheep are something special why be a common a garden sheep when you can be a black one  :O:

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Jaquaia (27-09-21),Sissy (24-09-21),Suzi (19-09-21)

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## Suzi

Love you Mike x

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OldMike (22-09-21)

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## Sissy

I met my team today. Emdr therapy starts 15th, so I better try to get mentally prepaired.

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OldMike (07-10-21)

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## Paula

Are you taking time to be kind to you?, thats going to be especially important when youre going through the therapy

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## Suzi

How did you get on with the team? How are you feeling about it?

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## OldMike

How's it going Sissy it seems a while since you last posted was just checking to see if my favourite lady from Finland is okay.

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Suzi (20-02-22)

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