# Help and Advice > Coping with Depression >  Setback *Triggers* *SU SH triggers*

## JustEM

*SH SU Triggers*

Hello lovely people. Again, I know.

Sorry I keep posting. I feel very alone and don't have an outlet. It's been so helpful talking with those who understand. Thanks in advance for actually reading this.

I met with the occupational therapist from the community mental health team yesterday. I've seen her twice previously and both times left the sessions feeling deflated and honestly much worse. I thought this was due to having to go to the community mental health centre... there's just something really stuffy and depressing about this place and it felt triggering for me... so this week I asked if she could instead come to my house. She did. 

But after our session, I still felt a lot worse. I didn't go to work (I was going to go before the session and had got ready in advance and packed my bag etc. and even straightened my hair to look nicer and boost the old mood), I spent all day in bed and I had very scary and suicidal thoughts (first time they were this bad) last night. This morning, the thoughts returned within ten minutes of waking, so I went back to bed all morning and dozed and escaped in sleep, lost control and self-harmed by smacking my body and my head (a bad habit I haven't done for a couple of months), I didn't go to work again and now it's 5pm and I'm back in bed feeling empty, deflated and exhausted. I did shower and make it out to see my CBT therapist in between, though. She helped as she always does, but the usual mood boost I get from seeing her is still lacking. 

Basically, this is what triggered it. The OT weighed me yesterday as she does weekly. The scales showed that I had gained an unlikely amount of weight. I say unlikely because it was an amount that would be surprising to gain in a month and I've actually eaten less and done more all week so whilst a fluctuation higher or lower would make sense, this increase didn't. My therapist today even said it was probably wrong because she said I look like I've lost weight! 

Anyways, the OT was happy with this. She said had I lost weight, she was going to give me one more week and then refer me back to the eating disorder team. (Um, cheers for keeping me in the loop with this by the way!) So if this week the scales read a certain number.... I don't need to be referred. But if next week they read a different number, I may need to be referred. So... how worthy and deserving I am for more support is measured in a number on the scales? And that's a scales that a loose part actually fell off of when the OT took them out of her bag...? So the fact that I starve myself and punish myself and have suicidal thoughts and can't function properly only matters when those numbers go down, hey? WOW. What kind of university degree they must have to do to come up with that solution is bloody beyond me. I thought it was better to catch eating disorders and mental health problems before they got out of control? Apparently not. The same happened when I was seventeen and relapsed seriously with anorexia. I got to the point where the doctors told me my heart would stop within six months before anyone rubbed the boredom out of their eyes and noticed something was up with me. 

I asked the OT if I could access any more help. She said I'm not at crisis point and reading between the lines of all her 'um-ing and are-ing', again I have to get WORSE before I deserve any more help. Super duper news. 

I'm sorry to sound ungrateful and like I'm calling everyone over, because some mental health professionals are honestly fantastic. The CMHT aren't doing anything wrong... they just do the job and that's about it. Nobody seems to care. I could literally discharge myself from the services and nobody would bat an eyelid. Guess recovery really does have to come from within. 

I'm due to see this OT next week, too. I don't know if I can even be bothered to be honest. I'm not getting weighed. I refuse. Not because I'm worried about gaining weight or feeling fat or being referred to the eating disorder service but because I VALUE MYSELF and I KNOW my worth is more than what a number on the scales reads. Shouldn't it be the MH Team telling the patients that and, erm, not the other way around?! 

I think tomorrow my mood will be on the rise. I bloody hope so anyways, and I've been cutting out things that are making it worse, so I don't know what to do about this OT again.

Also, the OT, ED team and my CBT therapist have all suggested AD meds again, but I've had two VERY bad experiences on different meds and I'm reluctant to try again. I take Kalms and the night Kalms and have actually slept better all week which is great. I just don't want to take any medication.

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## Amaya

No need to say sorry. Posting is a good thing.

I seem to be reading this a lot.. that if you are not in such a point of absolute crisis then you don't get the help you need. But this is how people get in to a crisis surely, from not having enough help soon enough. Crazy. I hope someone gives you the support you need.

Bit of a random question maybe, but are you getting any exercise? It can have an antidepressant effect, help with regulating eating whether that needs to be more or less, and get rid of the hormones that build up and contribute to the impulses to selfharm. I have done similar in the past and sometimes just going out for a walk helps me to stop doing those things now. I am not always in a good enough state of mind to go outside of course, but sometimes it helps. When it can.

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## Paula

:Panda:  I'm sorry things are so bad, lovely. I have to say, the reason people keep recommending ADs are because they really do work, once the right med or meds are found for you. It took me a bit of trial and error before the right combination for me was found. Please don't rule them out yet, hunni ...

If you're in crisis, love, please call the Samaritans (tel 116 123) or go to your nearest A&E. and, if you're not happy with the support being offered to you, can you please call your GP/pdoc for an urgent appointment and talk things through

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## JustEM

Hey EmmyRed,

Thanks for your post. 

You're totally right, surely MORE help will prevent crisis.... 

I am, yeah. I walk a lot. I find it boosts my mood to be out in nature and sometimes I blast my feel-good music as I go. I don't do anything else though like the gym or whatever. I used to swim and enjoyed that, but I did it to death and got bored. I know this sounds stupid but the pool water I swear became much colder and I just wasn't enjoying the experience anymore! 

I always make sure I go out for a wander at least somewhere every day though.

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Amaya (20-07-17)

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## Amaya

Maybe this is a silly question, but what is an ED team?

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## JustEM

Thanks, Paula. 

It may be worth trying another type. Clomipramine was awful. The side effects were vile... like, I was frothing at the mouth and everything haha! And mirtazapine initially felt fantastic but became really bad... so much so that the people around me urged me to come off it. I was so panicky and anxious and scared on that. 

The GP who prescribed me these meds was really indifferent, too. But my current GP is fantastic. She always gives me enough time to speak, you know? I'm worried about gaining weight on AD's though... that would just tip me over the edge, like! 

I was thinking of calling the helplines... each time I've tried I've either not got through or hung up. They might help, though. I was able to tell my mother who I live with how bad I was feeling  last night. Not to alarm her, but so that she knew where I was at. And it helped me, too.

Thanks Paula  :Panda:  I'm glad you've been able to find the right meds for you xx

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## JustEM

Not a silly question at all. 

Eating Disorder Team. Sorry, I should have said that!  :):

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## Amaya

I am no expert on anything, and especially not with eating disorders.. but you say for you it is about control. So my question would be what are you trying to control? Maybe if that can be helped, then your relation to food can begin to normalise by itself. Maybe focusing on it as an issue with food is the wrong way around? Just make sure you always drink plenty!

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## JustEM

It is, yes!  :(nod): 

I experienced a failure last year and lost complete direction in my life. I was utterly devastated. I kept trying to re-direct my life and regain a focus but nothing was coming together and it felt like set-back after set-back.

Then I just gave up and things got worse. I lost my fight, I became more socially isolated... and the future and the present both looked hopeless. 

My life feels out of control now and I guess by not eating, I'm controlling something. It's also a form of self-punishment and is mood-related. 

The CBT sessions are helping. I'm supposed to be going on a big exciting venture travelling in six weeks... and potentially I may be travelling with a friend instead in just three weeks' time. I know it seems a little crazy maybe, but I feel I really have nothing to lose. It's like a make or break situation.

I do drink plenty, actually! Maybe a little too much caffeine, but tea makes everything better.  :O:

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## Suzi

:(bear):  Sweetheart you can get through this..

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## JustEM

Thanks Suzi  :(bear): 
Good days and bad days, eh? X

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## Suzi

Yup.. I know that's hard, but it is as it is...

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## JustEM

Yup! Much better day today though and the old mood is back on the up! 
Just gotta work extra super duper hard to keep it that way now!!
Have a lovely weekend x

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## Paula

Good to hear, lovely

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## Suzi

Well done hunni  :O:

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## JustEM

Thanks both! Saturday night now and still smiling! Thanks for being so nice and encouraging! 
Hope you're both doing well 
 :):  xxx

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Suzi (23-07-17)

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## JustEM

Bit of an update...

So after my rant about the OT and the CMHT not caring about me etc. .... Today, I had an unexpected call from the eating disorder team. I missed the initial calls but when I called her back she said 'Im so glad to hear from you!!' and said how much she wanted me to stop having to struggle and to be well. 

I really clicked with this lady when I met her at the initial assessment and silently wanted to work with her, but when we're not well it's not always easy to ask for help. I was too proud and afraid and felt I wasn't 'ill enough' to deserve it.

So she's coming tomorrow morning for a home visit. She doesn't want me to 'go under' and wants me to be able to achieve my goal of going to India in five weeks' time!!

It felt like a relief speaking to her. When I got off the phone, I felt like crying. I think it was just a massive relief knowing that someone who knows how to help cares about me. Showed me how low my self esteem is and how great my need to be loved is too.

And it was the OT (who I had predominantly ranted about) who contacted the ED Team in her concern. So it's nice to see they do actually want me to get better. 

Onwards and upwards for tomorrow, then!

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## Paula

That's wonderful news, hunni, I'm so pleased  :):

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## JustEM

Thanks Paula, 
Yeah! I'm really pleased about it, too! x

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## JustEM

Will let you know how it goes!!

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## Suzi

Hunni that's a great development and it bought tears to my eyes! You are cared about lovely...

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## JustEM

Aw thanks Suzi!

I had the appointment today. I really like the therapist. She's going to see me three times a week at home so I'll feel more supported now. I'm now under the eating disorder service but it's okay because I don't have to go to any anorexic clinic or whatever which can feel triggering and just generally not great. She wants to keep me out of hospital and enable me to go to India I don't see things as serious as she's saying they are, so maybe its a bit of a reality check?

Also, I'm looking into AD meds that I went on six years ago that really worked for me so hopefully that will help, too.

So it was a positive session, but after therapy I always find it so hard to go into work and function and cope. I went to work but had to leave just half hour later. A staff member was nagging at me a bit and it all felt a bit secondary in comparison to what I'd just been addressing with a therapist moments before! 

So hopefully I'll be able to make it in and have another crack at work tomorrow.

Hope you're having a good day today x

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## Suzi

Well done for that appointment. It's great that you're having 3 sessions a week and that she's trying to keep you out of hospital.Working after therapy is so hard. Really you need to have time to just absorb what you've been through and then just be kind to yourself.

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## JustEM

Yeah, I need it as my support network around me is a bit limited. That's right, I'll try and arrange appointments so that they're not just before work in future! Fortunately my employers are really supportive. On a good day, I give 110% but on a bad day I have nothing to give... Like I said, I will try again tomorrow!

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## Paula

You're doing fantastically well - you put me to shame tbh  :O:

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## JustEM

Not at all, Paula!!  :):  We are all in this fight together!! 
Thanks for always being so encouraging!  :Panda:  xx

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## Suzi

I'm loving how positive you seem to be!!

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## JustEM

Thanks Suzi. I do try my best!
Guess we've just got to keep going, hey? 

I've just come from a very productive CBT session and have lots of therapy tasks to keep me busy until next week! It was good to really focus on tackling this depression!

But now I'm at work again in half hour or so which I feel slightly apprehensive about as it's hard to put up a front when you don't feel so great inside so I'm savouring sitting in the sunshine before it's time to go in and I'll try to fake it til I make it!

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## Suzi

All we can do really is to keep on trying our best and doing the best we can do on any given day to the best of our ability  :O:  That's my mantra!  :):

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## JustEM

Love the mantra!  :(happy):  It's so true, too! 

I wasn't able to cope at work. To be honest, my heart's set on recovery and getting to India which is a reality now for me. I work in a fish and chip cafe and it's nice but bagging up chips isn't a priority for me tonight at this moment! 

So I faced my employers, told them I have some health problems, and they're willing to let me try again with some shifts on the weekend. I'm having a productive night really focusing on my therapy tasks and trying out an eating disorder online support group for the first time. 

Today, that has been the best I can do. Maybe tomorrow, the best I can do is to go to work and bag up a hundred bags of chips with a smile on my face haha  :O: 

Thanks for the mantra!

Hope you've had a good day xx

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## Paula

Well done for talking to your employers, hunni

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## JustEM

Thanks Paula.  :):  
People can really surprise us. Mostly people are so supportive and understanding! 
Hope you've had a good day today? x

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## Suzi

That must be so hard having fought an ED and being faced with fish and chips everyday... You're made of tough stuff love. Well done for talking to your employers! You should be proud of yourself.

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## JustEM

Thanks Suzi  :):  Need to put my mental health and well being first. Hey, don't we all?  :(happy):

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Suzi (28-07-17)

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## JustEM

Ugh. Another set back today. Feeling pretty  :Swear:  :Swear: ty as a consequence.

I've been on a real high this last week, have been doing lots of things I really enjoy and working so hard on my therapy. Anyways, found out today that there's been a massive mess up with my visa that puts me £450 down. I've basically chucked that money to the Indian embassy for nothing and I'm not exactly in a place to be throwing five pound notes around, let alone hundreds of pounds!! Also got rejected for a bursary after being given the impression I was going to get it which means I also don't have enough money to stay there long-term and I've used all other fundraising methods so long-term volunteering in India is not to be an option for me any longer in the near future. 

I was gutted and angry more than anything. Had a mad urge to self harm but shouted a load of expletives instead which seemed to do the trick. Contacted my support team and now I'm aimlessly walking off the rage. 

Feel like I am right back at square one AGAIN. I hate square one. 

I've got friends visiting the UK for the first time coming from America tomorrow to stay with me for a week. Everything is ready for them and I've spent all day today pre- :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  news baking for them. They know I've been ill and they did invite themselves to stay with me actually and we have a great week planned, but to be honest I already feel like I can't wait for the 10th August to come when they go back home so that I can just BREATHE!!!

I still want to take a short 1-2 week trip to India on my current visa if possible because I need peace and closure with my feelings of failure around my experience there last year, and then I guess I need to really start sorting my life out by establishing what I want out of life locally. I have the MH support around me to do that now whereas I didn't when I was trying to settle down, get a real job and move out last year. I just feel like I've wasted so much time between then and now. 

Guess life will just keep dealing  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  sometimes and I've got to choose to deal with it until the next load comes at me or lie under it and wallow. Thankfully, I no longer lie under things, but I just feel so exhausted with it all.

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## Suzi

Oh hunni, I'm sorry it's not worked out well - can you call them and change things around with regard to your visa?

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## JustEM

Yeah... It was a bit of a blow. I've decided I'm going to cancel my visa application when I get home tonight. I will lose the money either way. It's their policy. Seems unfair but there's nothing I can do about it. 

This leaves me two options. One, take a short trip to Calcutta for 1-2 weeks on my current tourist visa that expires at the end of this month. At least I would then be able to make the peace I need to make during that time so I can just move on. I could also really do with a holiday after this last year haha! Then I could come back, re group, and settle down at home establishing what I want out of life here locally. 

Otherwise, I could get another visa and fly out for a few months maximum but I won't get away from the fact that I will again have to return to square one back home and start over. 

There are a lot of work, Church-based and voluntary opportunities in my nearby city centre open to me that I know I could immerse myself into and enjoy. For example, last year I got an interview for an apprenticeship at a lovely little nursery. It wasn't the right time then but after this news today I contacted the manager as the same position is again available and she was happy for me to re submit my application. It's for a September start...

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## Suzi

It sounds like you've loads of options available to you.

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## JustEM

Yeah. Bit of a setback but it's about learning how to bounce back from them. 

Feeling a lot more positive tonight and accepting of it all. One foot in front of the other as always.

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## AndThisTooMustPass

:Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  news Em. I'm gutted for you but I am massively impressed with how you are responding. You never cease to impress me. Sorry you are getting stressed over your friends visiting, I'm sure there will be so many positives that the stresses will melt away once they arrive.

The holiday sounds great! You are right, you really deserve it.

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## JustEM

Thanks hun  :): 

I was gutted too but a few too many expletives, an angry walk in the rain and a good old fashioned cry and I feel better about it. Flights will always ever cost a bomb to go to India so after looking into that tonight, I've just realised that I would spend practically all my own savings on a two-week trip just to make peace in my heart. So I think instead, I'm just really going to work on letting this go. Accept it and move on! 

Thanks for your kind words. With setbacks, I always feel they propel me forward even though they can hurt like hell. Step by step, I can get things back on track. Baby steps, yeah? 

I'm going to go day by day with my friends. You're right that there will be more positives than stresses. I'll start with today! I'm getting up early to bake some homemade bread and to make some spicy Indian tea! 

I'd love a holiday somewhere sometime! Wouldn't we all? I'm going to spend a couple of weeks with my dear auntie after my friends go home. She makes me feel better and she lives just an hour away. It's a change of scenery. Not exactly Calcutta but a good baby step nonetheless haha!

Thanks for your message. I hope all is as good as it can be with you!! xx

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## AndThisTooMustPass

> With setbacks, I always feel they propel me forward even though they can hurt like hell. Step by step, I can get things back on track. Baby steps, yeah?


 Like I said, Impressive!

xxx

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## Amaya

Everything is possible in the future  :):

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## Suzi

Who knows what's round the corner? Take up your explorers hat and go and find out! You're being so positive. I'm very proud of you!

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## JustEM

Thanks everyone!! 

Aw thanks Suzi! That made me smile as my friend actually calls me 'Dora' after Dora the Explorer jokingly because of my wandering and travelling ways....

Exactly, maybe I'm looking half way across the world when the next thing is just around the corner. Ah we all have to just keep being positive regardless.

Have a good weekend all xxx

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## Suzi

Lol, it was a game I used to play with my babies when they were younger. We used to have to put on our invisible and magical explorer hats to go out and see what we could find lol... Amazing what you come up with when you're broke, but also can't stay in!

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## Amaya

You have reminded me of The Truman Show when he says he wants to be an explorer and his teacher says him everything has already been discovered so he is too late. But he never stops being determined. I love that film and I would recommend it to encourage your fighting spirit if you haven't already seen it. (No spoilers please dwd members!)

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## JustEM

Lol Suzi, that sounds like good fun! I can see me playing that game with my little niece actually! When I'm looking after her, she always says 'Aunty Em is taking me on an adventure today!' bless her.  :(happy):

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## JustEM

Hey Amaya  :): 
I've not seen The Truman Show, but I'm always looking for a new film to watch so I'll be sure to give this a looksie! Thanks. 
And thanks for your kind words, too.  :):

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Amaya (10-08-17)

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## Suzi

> Lol Suzi, that sounds like good fun! I can see me playing that game with my little niece actually! When I'm looking after her, she always says 'Aunty Em is taking me on an adventure today!' bless her.


It's brilliant - you know we went on a muddy walk in the woods tracking dinosaurs, we've hunted fairies, we've written letters to and had replies from our night time fairy Arrabella who puts all the flowers and animals to bed and helps the nocturnal ones if they are in need of anything..

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## JustEM

Aw I love it, Suzi!  :(happy): 
Made up games like that are always the best types!

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## JustEM

My Grandmother had a great imagination like that too, bless her. As a kid, I used to ask her to tell me stories 'from her brain!'  :(giggle):  Just a load of made-up nonsense. Love it.  :O:

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## Suzi

It's something I've hopefully passed on to our children. We've been all over the world, all over fairyland, we've made friends with dragons and magicians, we've lived Harry Potter novels and then movies and we've cried when Charlotte dies... It's imagination, stories, it's good for the soul!

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## JustEM

I'm sure you have!  :):  You're totally right, it is good for the soul!

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Suzi (07-08-17)

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## Amaya

How's it going?

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## JustEM

Hey Amaya  :(hi): 

Good thank you! I coped very well with my friends coming and I actually enjoyed myself at times, too!  :(party): 

I have closure on the whole India thing and have been positively looking towards the future.  :(y): 

I'm doing all the right things for working towards getting well... all apart from addressing my eating, or rather.. my NOT eating. It's starting to really concern me and I'm feeling a bit scared about it all, but Monday I have an appointment with the Team Leader of the eating disorder team and will ask for more support at home with my eating to prevent me having to go into hospital which I really do not want! I think this will probably be my last chance as otherwise (and I hate to admit it) I'm heading down the hospital route....

How are you doing?  :):  I hope all is as well as it can be with you.

Em x

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Amaya (12-08-17)

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## Paula

Oh Em  :(:  I wish there was something we could do to help  :(bear):

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## Suzi

Oh sweetheart sorry it's not going brilliantly. I think it's amazing that you have acknowledged how bad things are, are prepared to ask for help and know that it could mean hospital - but that might not be pleasant, but it'll only be there to help... You are awesome.

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## AndThisTooMustPass

:Panda:

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## Amaya

It is good it is the only problem to work on right now.. at least then you can be very focused on looking after yourself. If it would help to talk more about it feel free to do so. Otherwise I hope the ED team can give you exactly the support you need. I think asking for help at home was a great idea. Hospital is not so much fun!  :):

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## JustEM

Thanks everyone for your kindness and support. It means a lot.  :):  

My therapist is remarkably supportive and my family are supporting me, too. I will have this honest and open conversation with the ED team Monday and will hopefully gain more clarity from there. 

If I did have to go into hospital, it would be a psychiatric ward with eating disorder patients but not specified to eating disorders only. Does anyone have any experience of this? The fact that I don't know exactly what the whole hospital experience looks like is making me more anxious.... I need reassurance from the ED team, more than just the flitting remark of hospital being a possibility.

Also I think I'm more anxious because I FEEL unwell. I've had anorexia chronically and severely (more severe than now) but have never felt as if my body is giving up as I do now.... I don't know if this is my anxiety or because I've actually been unwell with a cold these last two days... But it's like my energy is depleted. This scares me. I'm scared I will go to bed and won't wake up the next day, but im sure this is anxiety taking over and me being over-dramatic. 

Today was my little nieces birthday party. I slept all morning at home, went to the party at 1pm but slept whilst there for four hours, and now I'm already ready to go to sleep again ?!

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## Suzi

I think you're so worried and anxious about being poorly that you are using up all your energy, making you completely fatigued.. Be kind to yourself lovely...

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## JustEM

Think you're right, Suzi. 
I watched a new DVD last night which took my mind off it all. 

The ED team have arranged a CPN to be a care coordinator for me from the cmht and an appointment with a psychiatrist to start me on new AD medication. So, obviously they want to establish support for me IN the community.

Think it's just because I haven't heard from the cmht at all and that the OT from the ED team is on annual leave that, paired with being unwell, has caused my mind to overthink and worry. 

I'm sure I will feel much better after my appointment tomorrow and after calling the cmht myself. Just feel a bit left to my own devices!

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## Paula

Anxiety is truly, totally exhausting even if you're not 'doing' anything. Despite this, though, you're still pushing for support so you can pat yourself on the back  :):

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## JustEM

Couldn't agree more, Paula! Thanks. 

Yes, I want to get better. It's been a long stretch this time around!

Wishing you a nice day your end. X

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## Suzi

You really are amazing to be pushing and doing everything you can to get the right help and support.

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## Amaya

> Also I think I'm more anxious because I FEEL unwell. I've had anorexia chronically and severely (more severe than now) but have never felt as if my body is giving up as I do now.... I don't know if this is my anxiety or because I've actually been unwell with a cold these last two days... But it's like my energy is depleted. This scares me. I'm scared I will go to bed and won't wake up the next day, but im sure this is anxiety taking over and me being over-dramatic.


I had this type of anxiety when I first went into the hospital. The feeling that your body is just going to stop working all together and you won't be able to live whether you want to or not. For me it happened because I couldn't sleep or eat for days and was in the worst anxiety I had ever experienced. I think these three things feed into each other. It took a while before it got better.. routine was what helped the most. Sleep for the rest for my brain. Eating for energy to function. Walking for getting rid of anxiety hormones out of my body. It took a long time to work through it.. weeks actually. But everytime I managed an hour sleep, everytime I managed to eat a little something, and every time I managed to do something physical it got a little better.

Maybe you could make yourself a program for if this feeling comes back. Like promising yourself to eat an apple whilst walking for 30m or something like that. Having regular bed and wake up times might help too. The anxiety really does get better with these simple things in my experience. And when the anxiety eases, then you can do more, eat a little more regular and sleep better too, then the anxiety gets even better.. etc etc..

For those real crisis feelings, I say start with lots of water, then walking, then fruit, then sleep.. the rest comes later more easily then. Milk is also good.. it goes down easy  :): 

And I am glad you are getting help in the community. Hospital is good if you really need it.. but it is also very hard. My only experience is six weeks in a psychiatric hospital in Holland, no idea how they are in the UK.

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## JustEM

Thanks Suzi. That's very kind of you to say. 
Yeah... I DO actually want to get better this time around which is good
But I honestly feel being supported in the community will be better for me personally than having to go into hospital.

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## JustEM

Hey Amaya,

Thanks for your message. I'm sorry you suffered such anxiety but I'm pleased to hear you're in a better place out of hospital now. I really think I just need this appointment tomorrow to put me straight and feel reassured. I will just be glad by the time it's tomorrow afternoon so I finally know exactly what is going on! I know it's my mind and anxiety working overtime here. Hospital doesn't feel at all like the best form of action to take for me personally now, I feel there are steps to take first and other support to access first before it becomes an option. 

I find that I suffer most if I don't sleep but thankfully I sleep well and rest when I need to. I've stopped doing things that are not helpful for my mental health such as not working in jobs that were making me worse and I'm doing lots of things that help my mental health such as being with positive people and going to therapy etc. 

I keep active, walk a lot and get fresh air everyday. I don't do my horrible bed days anymore and haven't done for months. Woo!

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Amaya (13-08-17)

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## Suzi

Well done lovely x

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## Amaya

You are doing so great. Excuse me for the over giving of advice. I do that sometimes.

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## AndThisTooMustPass

Hi Em

Good luck for tomorrow, It sounds like you are right about them wanting to provide community support. 
Despite the eating issues, I hope you are able to congratulate yourself on all the tremendous progress you've made over the months. If not, I'll do it for you  :(clap): .

Rooting for you and impressed by you as always.

Me
xxx

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## JustEM

Thanks Amaya.
I really appreciated your advice - not over-advice at all.  :):  x

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Amaya (16-08-17)

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## JustEM

Hey 'Me'  :(hi): 

Thanks for your kindness as always! 

I will let you know how tomorrow goes and will pop you a PM soon! 

Hope you've had a good weekend. Wishing you a good new week!

Em xxx

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## Suzi

Hope the appointment goes well x

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## JustEM

Phew! Appointment over!  :(whew): 
Feeling much more reassured. They and I view hospital as a last resort so for now it's off the table!  :(party): 

Called the CMHT and will have an assessment with the care plan co-coordinator and psychiatrist within the next couple of weeks.

So by September time, my community care plan of AD medication, an OT three times weekly and a CPN should all be nicely in place. In the meantime, lots of nice things to keep me busy! Job interview as a nursery nurse apprentice tomorrow then spending a few days with my auntie and then my brother before taking a retreat in the UK to end this month nicely.  :): 

Was going to try a support group for the first time tonight but honestly feeling a bit 'therapied-out'. Raining pouring outside and have accomplished lots today so happily treating myself to a bath bomb and long soak in the bath, a chat with my good auntie and friend on the phone and a couple of episodes of a new box set!  :O:

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## JustEM

And will still access an online eating disorder support group tonight (which I find very positive) to make up for missing the group.

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## Paula

Well done Em, you've done brilliantly today  :):

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## JustEM

Thanks Paula  :):  xx

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## Suzi

Wow! Well done! You've done so well today! I'm really proud of you!

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## JustEM

Thanks Suzi  :):  Feeling a lot better about things.  :(whew): 

My mood's flat as a pancake and unfortunately nothing is budging it.... I'm waiting on an appointment with an eating disorder specialist psychiatrist from the community mental health team to get the right balance of meds for me but that will be a minimum of two weeks away....  :=: 

Really nervous about my interview at the nursery tomorrow because of the depression. It (as we all know too well) just makes me feel so empty and like I've got nothing to give, which is overwhelming. But I know I have to go and give it a shot. I guess deep down it's not reeeeeally what I want (to work in a nursery) as I know I want to join a Catholic community.... which I have a possible opportunity of doing the end of this September, but I also know my health might not be good enough to do it then and that I'll have to probably postpone for the following year. Which is fine and always a good goal to have. 

So the nursery is probably the best option for me now. Guess I've got to just faking til I make it, right?

Do anti-depressants really get rid of this horrible depression? They feel like the only option.

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## Paula

What ADs really do is allow you to cope so that you have space to learn how to deal with the illness itms

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## Suzi

I completely agree with Paula x

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## AndThisTooMustPass

Great news! :(party):

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## AndThisTooMustPass

...er... great news about the appointment not the depression  :(:  Good luck with the interview today, I hope it goes / went well.

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## JustEM

AD's are definitely worth a shot then. It just seems nonsense that, having already waited two weeks, I now have to wait at least another two weeks just to have an appointment with a psychiatrist about starting new meds. It feels like they're basically saying, 'You need help... In a few weeks'. They've asked me to get bloods done this week but I'm really busy with lots of nice plans so..  'They need my bloods and they'll get them in a few weeks!'  :(giggle):  

Seeing the team yesterday was a trigger for this big dip in mood (despite the obvious relief about hospital). It's always a trigger though and thankfully the low mood has now passed! I'm switching off from the MH team for the next couple weeks and focusing on having FUN. Off to the beach and on a speed boat ride today with my brother and sister in law, then a few days with my auntie and little cousin, a day at the farm with my little niece, a few days with my other brother and his family and a 5-day camping trip to top it all off! Woo! 

ATTMP, thank you!! I didn't go for the interview today. I only applied out of guilt because I felt bad about not working and living at home at the age of 23... My mind likes to use this opportunity to call myself lazy, worthless, a failure and yada yada.... I was offered a great nursery position over six months back when I was better mentally and which offered more pay but didn't even take it back then because it just wasn't for me. We've talked at length about what I really want out of life and so I'm going to focus on that community I mentioned to you and see how that unfolds. Thankfully, the low mood has improved today! How are you doing? I hope all is well with you.

Best wishes to you all xx

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## Paula

Hunni, they don't need your bloods for their own benefit, they need them to rule out any underlying condition which could be contributing to your ill health. Please get that sorted asap - it won't take long .....

And I have to point out that a 4 week wait to see a psychiatrist is really, really short!

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## AndThisTooMustPass

Hey Em!

Glad you didn't go for the interview if you didn't want to do the job. Guilt - pfft! As I'm sure you know from CBT, should, must and ought statements lie behind that and those statements are as worthy of notice as Donald Trump's tweets or a headline in The Daily Star. If you had a broken leg would you feel guilty about not running a marathon? If I was in your position would you tell me I should feel guilty for not working? Would you judge and condemn a friend the way you judge and condemn yourself? Are you able to leave making commandments up to God? 

23 - not exactly ancient  :(giggle):  I left school at 15 and didn't start building a career until my first decent bit of counseling in my mid thirties and it is only now that I am doing a job I enjoy. I wish I'd not wasted most of my twenties doing jobs I hated because I felt worthless if I was not employed. I wish I'd not made myself feel worse when I was too ill to work by beating myself up for not working. You've loads of time to explore life! To take time to smell the roses. 

As a Catholic atheist (  :^):  contradiction I know but Catholic education runs deep  :(giggle):  ) I know that guilt is our thing and I'm so glad and, mega impressed, that you have decided to focus on what you actually want to do, not what you feel you should do.  :(clap):  

Thanks for letting us know about the interview and that your mood has lifted a little. 

Speed boat ride, FUN! and all the other nice things you have planned YAY!  :(party): . 
You are an amazing person and deserve some fun and pleasure. Hope you enjoy!

Take care and I hope to hear more from you soon.
xxx

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## Suzi

Em, please do get those bloods done asap... It is important and I too am really impressed that it's only 4 weeks for a psych appointment!

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## JustEM

Well, it's actually been almost a three month wait for the psych appointment... It will just be at least a four week wait since the ED started getting in touch with them to speed up the appointment  :O: 

I will get the bloods done, Suzi. I did try today as my mother is actually a phlebotomist but she couldn't get them so I'll have her do them for next Monday. I was just feeling a bit cheesed off, that's all.

ATTMP, thank you. Everything you said about the job... You're totally right. I heard back from the community regarding my application today and they will be in touch soon about an interview.  :(clap):  Speed boat was awesome! 

Thanks all x

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## JustEM

*ED team

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## Suzi

That's so cool that your Mum can do them for you!  :):

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## AndThisTooMustPass

No pin cushion arms from nursing assistants essentially playing darts (badly) for Em!

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## JustEM

Haha yeah Suzi! It's handy alright... Or 'arm-y'  :O: 

Haha, ATTMP! Bless her, she gets so stressed when she can't get them and I get so nervous when she takes them but we never let on to each other! She's a real gem though!  :(happy):

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## JustEM

Hi all!

Hope everyone's doing as okay as they can be right now.  :): 

I'm not in a very good place at all and I needed somewhere to rant and air my hurting brain. I don't even know if anyone will read this.  :S:  Anyways, here goes. 

My depression has become a hell of a lot worse lately. I think now I've achieved everything I set out to do and I've always had a goal ahead of me which gave me hope and something to work for... but now, summer's ending and it feels like everything's been 'wrapped up' if that makes sense? I need a goal because otherwise everything can feel so pointless and hopeless, and with the evening's slowly getting darker and winter coming....  :S:

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## JustEM

I'm struggling to fill my days. Physically, I've become too weak to work (no pity here as it's mostly self-inflicted) and my energy levels peak for an hour or so but then I'm depleted. I did the ironing the other day for an hour or so and had to lie down on the bed for a while before returning to it. I also get really dizzy in the shower and struggle to muster up the strength to clean the bath out after having one. I take short little walks through the day to help boost the old mood but my legs get wobbly and all I do to attempt to fix that is drink a can of sugar-free diet coke?  :^):  

Mentally, I'm washed out. Sometimes, I can still appear to be alright and even just totally fine to others... but I'm finding more and more that I'm just getting overwhelmed by the simplest of things. Like yesterday, I couldn't even tie a cushion on a garden chair and sometimes I can't be bothered with washing the dishes. It's like an overwhelming sense of 'I absolutely could not give a crap about this and I absolutely can not do it'. 

These reasons have been why I've finally accepted my inability to be at work. (As much as I want to work, I have easily had over 25 jobs this last year and have quit/walked out/walked out after swearing at the manager which is SO not my personality, and it came to the point where I have finally said 'Enough now!') They've always been the SAME job and I have fully committed to myself never to do this type of job again! At the start of this year when I was feeling better (but still not my usual self), I applied for different jobs... childcare and in the charity sector, but didn't get them or felt too anxious and intimidated by other professional staff to go ahead with them.) I didn't have any support around me then to have helped me get through this so I kept taking the crap jobs, got treated like rubbish, got into vulgar environments, and worked too many hours and left due to mental and physical exhaustion until about a month ago I decided to stop work.) Since then, I still have the odd 'I really want to work again!' thought, but now my body and my mind have continued to become much worse and I'm just too sick for it. 

I'm also experiencing a MASSIVE amount of stress. There's no real stress going on around me but I feel stressed by the simplest of things. I currently have family staying with me which includes two screaming children and it honestly melts my brain like nails on a chalkboard. This paired with my brother's total lack of understanding about mental illness (He says things at 11pm to me like 'Why are you so tired? You need to fill your days more so you're not so tired all the time.' before he goes to sleep in my bed whilst I happily take the sofa. I am trying by visiting different members of family and I even booked myself onto a youth camping retreat but if I go, I spend most of my time sleeping up there and come home early or I cancel (if it's not family-related, like the youth event) at the last minute because I just know it will be too much for me. It's like setting myself up to fail!!

I'm currently under a tier 3 eating disorder mental health team. The occupational therapist I see three times weekly has been off on leave for two weeks. In the meantime, the ED Team Leader has filled in for her with two phone calls and another phone call promise that never came. Which, as you can imagine, has been a massive help?!  :Swear:  I've had to chase up my psychiatric appointment by contacting the CMHT, tier 3 and tier 2 services to get them all to communicate with each other. I shouldn't have to be the one who does this!!! So the last couple of weeks have honestly been awful. I've gotten a lot worse.

Thankfully, I did meet the CPN who will be my care coordinator from the CMHT last week. She was really annoyed about the lack of support from the ED services and promised to 'kick them up the bum!' for me!  :(giggle):  FINALLY, I am starting on AD medication. I really liked her and the psychiatrist and they took all my concerns into consideration when prescribing so that today when I took my first pill, I don't have any anxiety or fear about it... but only hope.  :(nod):  She is meeting with me next week to draw up a community care plan. I felt like I could finally breathe when she told me this! I really do want to get well. 

The OT is back this coming week too so it will be nice to have someone popping in to check I'm okay and dropping the odd text in between. It's reassuring to know there's someone I can call on, you know? My eating is really poor though. I eat as little as 300 calories a day and max at about 400-450. I'm so hungry and weak. It's not anorexia this time, it's like some kind of self-punishment for this depression. I've started taking laxatives too and I have no idea why. They don't exactly work on no food anyways!!  :(giggle):

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## JustEM

The ED team also said they will be able to offer me therapy, too. But it's yet to be explained as to what that is exactly. I continue to see my CBT therapist weekly though and she is fantastic. 

She works for a mental health charity that offer a voluntary work scheme for sufferers of mental illness. It's a big, beautiful gardening project! They're due to get back to me shortly. I feel it would be a nice opportunity. Therapeutic, new skills, a supportive environment.  :):  I would like to maybe do a course in massage therapy at some point, too. Mostly because I love massage, because it's different and because people say I'm goo at giving massages! But these are little hopes for the future. I'm trying to go day by day. I've been doing little things like playing the keyboard again, baking, watching films.... Not much helps if I'm honest but even just short bursts of some activity are good. I do have a spa day booked for next week though which I am so excited for. I'm only 23 but I have so much pain. It seems that all that's helping me at the moment is taking long, hot baths and doing my stretches afterwards, watching TV and movies to distract me and chatting with/being around family. Walking on the beach sometimes helps, as does baking the occasional something which I never eat. So yeah. Day by day. I'm not spending my days in bed all day anymore which is always a plus (although I do take massive naps)

I flirted with the idea of going to some support groups. One is an eating disorder one but I felt that would be triggering and it's also difficult to go to a group for depression and anxiety if you suffer with depression and anxiety!! They're also like a two and a half hour bus ride there and back too which is a bit of an outing and I don't want to go alone but don't have anyone who would come. I do use a daily online support group though for ED sufferers which helps a lot!  :(y): 

I also have an appointment with the job centre on Tuesday to discuss training, volunteering and placement opportunities. This is something that I would really like to explore and access! Even if it's just tiny baby weeny steps for now. I hope to go back to volunteering with the homeless once weekly too. This was something I used to LOVE and was the highlight of my week! 

I decided this morning before scrawling down this never-ending post that I would give the community care plan at least one month-six weeks through the whole of September and maybe into October where I really try to get myself feeling better. But, if things don't improve or get worse... I think I'll have to spend some time somewhere as an inpatient. The same place that run this gardening project actually have an inpatient place not so far from my home which I feel would be the type of place I would be happy to go into. I REFUSE to go to an eating disorder place because major depression is at the core here and the not-eating is caused by my depression this time. (ALL the professionals and my family agree on this). And I don't want to go down the general hospital road on a psychiatric ward... We'll see what happens.  :(nod): 

There's a rehab centre I've been looking into, too. I know people who have gone there and I know it's incredible. But that would be in Italy or Bosnia and I'm in the UK. 

But now, it's today. If you made it through this waffle, thanks for reading.

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## Suzi

Sweetheart you've been really going through it - why didn't you post? 
Hunni, you know all the lectures about food and bodies as engines and fuel, so I'm not going to give you any - but instead of eating something like 3 meals a day, could you break it up so you have little and often instead? 

That gardening place and inpatient place sound good and it's good that you've a plan in place if things don't see more of an upturn in the near future. 

Keep talking lovely.

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## Paula

Can I just say that, even though I know it's unimaginably hard right now and even the smallest thing seems impossible to deal with, you ARE dealing with it, you're making plans to help yourself, you're pushing the right people to get things done, you're refusing to give up. And I am so very proud of you!

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## JustEM

Hey Suzi  :):  Thank you!

I don't know why I didn't post. I had the thoughts around 'I don't want to be a burden' and such. Silly, I know, but there we are. Now I've vented!  :(whew): 

We're all hoping that the medication will lift my mood and that from there other things will help too and then the eating will improve. Time will tell!

Yeah, I always have to have a few positive goals even if they seem to be getting smaller and more basic (but still always realistic) as time goes by!  :(wasntme):  And the recovery centre is a positive safety net, yeah. Hopefully I won't need it but the way I see it... If I go there or even if I am admitted to hospital, it's because I NEED to be there, right? 

But I'm in a better place tonight than I was last night and this morning so that's a good thing.  :(y):  Thankfully, I have a wonderful and supportive family around me. Things would otherwise have become a hell of a lot worse for me.

I hope you're doing as well as you can be, Suzi. Thanks for always posting back. It means a lot.  :):  xx

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## JustEM

Aww thank you so much, Paula! That's so kind of you!  :Panda: 

I guess we just have to keep going, hey?

I hope everything is okay with you. Thanks for posting. Really means a lot! xx

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## Suzi

You are working hard and that's immensely important and shows how desperate you are to get well. I'm proud of you lovely.

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## JustEM

Thanks Suzi. 

I do feel pretty desperate to get well, yeah... It is a positive that I'm not giving up. I can't just give up. 

I think we just have a way of dealing with what comes our way. 

Thanks for always being so positive and encouraging xx

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## Suzi

I try  :O:  
Thing is, you're the one doing all the hard work. All I'm doing is waving pompoms and doing motivational chanting on the sidelines lovely.

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## JustEM

Yes, but sometimes Suzi it's all that pompom waving and motivational chanting that can make all the difference!  :O: 

Met my care plan co-coordinator last week anyways and she came to the house yesterday to write my care plan with me. She's really nice and very pro-active. I like her and feel I can trust her.  :(y):  

I've been on 50mg sertraline for a week. Early days yet but no nasty side effects. I certainly feel more energised and seem to have responded well to them so far.  :(nod): 

Have been keeping myself busy as always taking beach walks, spending time with family and enjoying time at a local spa pool! I'm definitely going back to swim and the spa more regularly as it's a real de-stresser and mood-booster for me!  :(y):  I've definitely been more motivated this last week too with gardening, doing chores, ironing and even fruit-picking! 

Looking to slowly get back to volunteering and hope to start a course in reflexology at college one night a week starting in a couple of weeks. Gently-gently! The future seems more positive but I'm still looking day to day.

CPN care coordinator is arranging DBT or CBT therapy sessions for me through the tier 2 service. I should get an initial appointment in a couple of weeks. The therapist will be able to provide me with a set block of 12 sessions on what she feels I need to focus on, e.g. low self-confidence and depression. 

The OT is back off leave from the eating disorder services. I get my blood test results back tomorrow and hopefully all will be well with those. She's coming out to see me on Monday so we can catch up then.  :(y): 

So all in all, things are better than last time I posted! 

Hope everything is as good as it can be with you all!

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## Paula

You've achieved loads! Well done  :): 

Before I became really ill, I was a Holistic Therapist inc reflexology. It's incredible hard work but so rewarding. The only thing I will say is you need to create a bubble around yourself to stop soaking in all your clients negativity. It takes practise and I wasn't very good at it which wasn't a problem until my MH worsened.

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## JustEM

Thanks Paula!  :): 

Wow being a holistic therapist sounds great. I actually love massage therapy and spending time at the spa and personally it's something that helps relax me and helps my mental health. A lot of my family say that I'm very good at giving massages too! So I was thinking it may be something that I'd actually like to do. There's a full time course in complementary therapy starting at a local university next year and there's an open day in October. I'm no way near ready for full time enrollment now! But it would be a great thing to work for.  :(happy):  In the meantime, the reflexology would be a little thing for me (and for my fellow massage-loving family members who I'm sure would want me to try it out on them haha!  :O:  )

Thanks for the advise though. What you mean by clients negativity? Just the way they acted or? 

xx

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## Paula

Most clients come for help. And their emotions pour out of them in their body language, voice, muscles etc. It's so easy to take that on and hard to let go of

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## Paula

I'm not trying to put you off at all, keeping that barrier is a skill to be learnt, that's all  :O:

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## JustEM

Ah no, not at all Paula! That's good advice and something definitely to be aware of! Thanks  :):  xx
I'll be aware of keeping that barrier, I have enough problems of my own lol  :O:

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## Suzi

Wow you sound so happy and bubbly! Are you really feeling that good?

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## JustEM

I am feeling pretty good yeah, Suzi! 
I feel really energised. Not in a manic way but a good way. Like, I used to play piano and haven't practised in years but tonight I spent a whole hour on the keyboard and really enjoyed! This was after doing all the ironing and cleaning up. I also woke up singing this morning as I was getting ready and last night went for a walk down the beach and felt like I could run if that makes sense? I haven't felt like I could have the energy to run in ages! (I didn't actually run for the record haha.)

You think it's the sertraline?! I won't knock it. I'm going with the flow here!

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## Suzi

Keep an eye on it lovely  :O:  It does all sound very positive and I'm really happy for you.

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## JustEM

Thanks Suzi  :):  I will. I'm enjoying it whilst it lasts but I know a crash may come (as much as I hope it doesn't!!)
Another great day so far my end though.  :(y):

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## Suzi

That's brilliant! Long may they continue coming lovely!

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## Paula

Morning sweetie!

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## JustEM

Thank you both  :): 

I don't know if I'm just rambling away to myself randomly here but it helps to get things out, you know....?

I had a great weekend. I was flying high at times. But the crash came Saturday night. I knew it would.  :S:  Spent all day Sunday crying and huddled in a blanket watching films and all day today in bed.... 

The OT came from the ED services today and started going on about me heading towards being admitted to hospital. I would be admitted onto a gastric ward (not a psychiatric ward as I had thought...?) to be fed through an NG feeding tube. I was tube-fed for nine months when I was eleven years old but then I totally refused all food and drink. Now, I actually eat and drink (granted not all that much). So she said if I ate, I wouldn't be admitted to hospital for re-feeding but that I'm heading that way? It all seems a bit unclear but myself and those closest to me have accepted that if it goes this way, it will have to just bloody go this way. It is what it is - an illness. 

They want to keep me in the community though so I just need to make sure my weight doesn't go any lower. (My BMI is currently 13.2 and I'm not even trying to be anorexic which is weird...) Remarkably, my bloods are okay too so that goes in my favour. 

Mood-wise, I am feeling a little stronger tonight now all the rubbish mood is out of my system so hopefully tomorrow will be a brighter day. I'm increasing the medication to 100mg sertraline at the weekend too and I'm seeing my therapist Friday who I haven't had a session with in a few weeks. 

The gardening project were in touch, too. I missed their call so will phone them back tomorrow. I also have an interview for a weekend job as I can do permitted work with the ESA.

Hope all is as good as it can be with you. Thanks for reading.

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## Angie

I'm glad that they are there for you  and that your mood has improved.

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## JustEM

Thanks Angie.

Good days and bad, hey? The more I accept that and go with the flow on particularly awful days, the easier it will get I hope...

I hope you're doing as well as you can be xx

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## Angie

There will always be days that are better than others, but getting through the bad ones is always a win.

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## JustEM

Thanks Angie. 

You're totally right. And I always ever get through them!  :):  x

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## Suzi

Definitely good days and bad days - why didn't you post when you were feeling crap? We could have helped?

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## JustEM

I should have. 

I guess I just get so all-consumed in feeling the crappiness when it hits me that I don't post until it starts to seem like my mood might slowly lift again...  :S:  

It seems endless. I mean, do people actually beat depression?! Like, for good?

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## Paula

Some do, some don't. I haven't but I manage it, a lot of the time, and I've got a good life despite battling with this since I was 16. I know it sounds odd but my illness is such a part of me now that I don't know who I'd be without it though I still fight it every moment itms

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## JustEM

That's reassuring to hear it can be managed. Most people seem to say they manage it rather than beat it completely. 

I think I'll always have mental health problems unfortunately. I've had them since I was nine years old and now I'm 23. Even when I look back now at times when I thought I was doing great, I can see that even then I still had blips and my little 'meltdowns' and such. Guess some people just struggle more than others, right? 

I'm pleased to hear you're able to have a good life despite what you have to battle with. 

I just want to be treated for depression and not for anorexia. The reason I'm not eating now is a result of depression. I see starvation as a way out. Even the professionals have admitted I don't have 'classic anorexia'. I wish it wasn't all about the not-eating. My problems run much deeper. If I gained weight, I would still be depressed because I was depressed before I stopped eating. 

I hate the ED services. I don't trust them. I'm anxious they're going to spring hospital on me or section me or something.

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## Suzi

Oh lovely. Have you told them that?

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## JustEM

I haven't told them I see self-starvation as a way out of living with depression. 

I told them I don't want to be admitted to the gastric ward of a general hospital. When I said I would be more open to being admitted to a psychiatric ward or hospital, they seemed to think I wasn't 'ill enough' for that. 

They know I have suicidal thoughts. I don't want to give too much away to them though. 

I told her I didn't trust her and that I'm not eating for her - someone I don't trust. That was a tad rude of me to say that but she needs to know I'm eating for me and not for her. She did ask if she could give me a hug before she left. I reluctantly let her. 

Hopefully I can just keep my weight from dropping any further to stay out of hospital. I'm going to try and be super positive next time I see her and give the impression things are progressing. I'm too scared to be honest with them because it's in their power to section me. I can just see this happening. It's like I'm leaving it go as far as possible before it does.

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## Paula

Sweetie, they're not your enemy and they can't help you appropriately if you're not open and honest with them. And the NHS don't section without very good reason to - not least because they simply don't have the beds to do that. Please tell Someone the truth .....

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## JustEM

But what I don't get is if I go to hospital it will be to be tube-fed. But they will not tube feed me in hospital if I eat so if I go to hospital for re-feeding but eat there instead then surely they won't pass a tube down someone who is willing to eat? 

This is why I don't want to go to hospital. I'm not afraid of eating. 

I don't want to eat because I'm so depressed. So I don't get why I couldn't go on a ward or to a hospital to treat my depression in a way that sees my behaviours such as not eating and excessive sleeping as side effects of this illness.

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## JustEM

They feel like my enemy though, Paula. I hated it today when she was here in my home telling me what to eat and drink and that what I choose to eat isn't good enough. Because then when I do eat and she says thank you it's like I've done it for her. Which is stupid because why would I practice self-care for her benefit when she's someone I don't even care about? 

I know you're right about the NHS not sectioning without having a good reason to. I have to trust it won't be an overnight thing. I'm just so scared the ED services are going to spring it on me suddenly. I don't know where I'm at with them. In the same sentence, they say hospital admission is a last resort and then they say I'm heading that way. 

Wish I could just discharge myself from their services and stop seeing them but I think that would give them more reason to hospitalise me. 

Sorry for my ranting. I just feel really scared about all of this

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## Paula

"Occasionally, someone with anorexia may refuse treatment even though they're severely ill and their life is at risk.
In these cases, as a last resort doctors may decide to admit the person to hospital for compulsory treatment under the Mental Health Act. This is sometimes known as sectioning or being sectioned."

That's a quote from the NHS website http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Anorexi...Treatment.aspx

It seems clear section would be a last resort. The trouble is, hunni, is that it doesn't matter what the reason for you not eating is, unless you start eating you're going to become severely ill so they _have_ to prioritise that regardless of whether it's anorexia or depression. If you don't want to go to hospital, you have to eat and keep sustaining a gradual weight gain.

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## JustEM

Thanks for sharing the link, Paula. I know that sectioning is definitely a last resort. I feel less anxious about it today because I've been left to my own devices. I know I will feel more wound up tomorrow when I have to meet with the ED services. I guess I'm just afraid of having all control taken away from me. I'm afraid of the ED services because they have the authority to section people. 

The reason for hospital admission would be for tube feeding, but surely if it did come to that and I said I would drink the calories with supplement drinks (I could not eat that amount of calories. That would overwhelm me totally) then they wouldn't tube feed me. Surely the doctors would only tube feed someone who was refusing to take in calories by any other means. Obviously to avoid tube feeding, I would have to comply with the drinks which I am sure I would! 

I feel I really need to talk to the nurse who runs this gastric ward about this. I will also ask the GP on Friday when I increase my medication. I need to know where I stand. I don't trust these ED services. 

There are options to explore before hospitalisation, too. I could be a day patient somewhere or ask the ED services and CMHT to provide meal support not to support me with eating but to make sure I actually eat. Not a route I want to go down but better than a tube all the same. 

I've said I've started on the supplement drinks again. Chucked it down the sink this morning and I know I will do the same tomorrow. If lying will prolong admission, then I will simply have to lie. 

Also the sertraline is making it hard to eat. I feel nauseous to the point of wanting to vomit. Last week I was so full of energy but the last few days (and even more so today) I feel totally drugged and sedated. All I want to do is sleep. In a way, it's a real comfort because sleep can be an escape but excessive sleeping as an escape was a long-time symptom I thought I had overcome. 

Job interview tomorrow though just for a few hours on the weekends part time. The gardening project have also arranged for me to go there and meet them. Going to call to check availability for the reflexology course just now, too. So hopefully having little things in my life will help me and I really hope these pills work too.

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## Paula

Hunni, you need to stop lying about what you're eating. You can't fake it if you're losing, or not gaining, weight so it's pointless lying anyway. And all the ED staff want is to help you and protect you from this illness - they're not your enemies. Please, please tell them what's going on.

And I really think you should think carefully about the reflexology. I know how gruelling the training is and, right now, it seems to me you're not well enough to cope with it. That's not to say you couldn't do it in the future, but now might not be the right time. Please think about it

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## JustEM

I know they'll find out about the lying eventually. I just can't help it though. It's like it's out of my control. Even today, I became so overwhelmed by my depression that I just stood staring at the sink, unable to get washed or dressed. I'm currently staying at my brother's because my parents are away and I cant bare being alone right now but it's like I'm paralysed with anxiety and depression... I can't get up and I've been hiding in bed all day. 

When my anxiety and depression are worse, my eating is worse too. I haven't eaten all day. I feel sick and nervous. Don't know what the hell is up with me. Could it be the pills or just my mental health getting worse...? I was honestly great at the weekend. 

The course is only one evening a week. My brother lives close by to the college and would be able to pick me up and drop me off there. They have an open day on Monday next week so I will go for a look but I will definitely keep what you've said in mind. Thanks. I don't want to set myself up to fail. 

I think the gardening project is a good thing because my therapist recommended it and it is specifically for people suffering with MH issues. The part time job might be a bit much but I could try it at least. It gets me out for a few hours and I'm not great physically but it's not an exhausting job and I'm not on deaths door like! Little goals. 

I've held off from big future plans. I just want to be happy because if I'm happy it won't really matter what I'm doing.

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## JustEM

I've also contacted the eating disorder charity Beat to ask advice on how to discuss certain concerns with the OT tomorrow. This charity have always previously helped me greatly so hopefully I'll feel more reassured about seeing her tomorrow. I'm currently DREADING it.

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## Suzi

Sweetheart if you aren't being honest with them then that is enough to make them think that you aren't coping. If you aren't eating you won't be getting any better physically or mentally. You know all this. 
Really lovely, do talk to someone about how you are honestly doing...

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## JustEM

I know. It's like I can't stop it. It's like an addiction in a way. It's not even about weight or being 'thin' now. It's about wanting to diminish. I just want to shut off and sleep all day. Again. 

I can't tell the ED services. I just can't. They'll put me in hospital. I want to be at home with my family, not on some ward somewhere. I honestly think that would make things worse. But the anxiety about going to hospital is actually making me eat less.  But they're not stupid and I cant hide everything from them. I'll be glad when the appointment is over today and I'm left to my own devices and can just sleep.

My family know I'm struggling so I'm not completely alone or anything. I'm scared though and I feel really uneasy. I don't know how my MH has got to this point. I honestly don't want to feel like this.

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## magie06

If you don't want to feel like this any more, then I think you know where to start. You really need to tell them everything and even ifit's recommended that you return to hospital, what's the worst thing that can happen? You get the nutritional help you need. You get to off load things that are on your mind. Both your body and mind get a chance to become healthy again. Please take that first step.

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## JustEM

You're right, Magie. Thank you.

I met the OT today. She said when she told the ED Team Leader my BMI today, she wanted to admit me today. They even called me this morning to get into the clinic to check I was stable. It was the OT (the one I felt was against me!) who pushed to give me the benefit of the doubt and just one last chance. So tomorrow, I'm getting weighed. If I lose any more weight, I will be admitted for tube feeding. When I asked about the option to drink the calories rather than have them through the tube, she explained that wouldn't be an option because they wouldn't admit me to drink! 

So, YES! I was finally honest. I told my mother and father AND the OT afterwards the truth that I had severely restricted these last few days and that I had been abusing laxatives. I drank a supplement drink for the first time tonight and didn't share it with the sink!  :O:  My bloods were good last week. I'm having more done Friday so if all is well and the weight is stable then I won't have a tube! You're right, I know where to start. 

The CMHT can also provide me with CBT therapy once the bmi pops up a bit more and I'm increasing the sertraline to 100mg tomorrow. I missed my job interview today due to all this anxiety but called them to say it was a 'family emergency' so hopefully another interview will be scheduled pronto! 

I'm meeting with the gardening project Monday and going to a college open evening next week about a part time course so I'm choosing to live.

Everyone seems to think the medication and eating better will help beat this depression. It's the least I can do to TRY.

Thanks everyone for your ongoing support. You're an awesome bunch xxx

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## Jaquaia

That's awesome! I am so proud of you for being honest!

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## JustEM

Thanks Jaquaia!  :(happy):  

Sometimes you've got to get worse to get better, I think. But it feels like the decision is coming from me to get well. 

It's still a little scary because my head tells me if I gain weight, I'll feel worse. But I've been here (and worse!) before and I've beaten anorexia twice previously so third time bloody lucky!  :O: 

Hope all is well with you xx

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## magie06

Well done you. That is such an amazing post. You DO know where to start and you bloody well went and did it. The relief must be tremendous, you've made the start, all you have to do is follow through. Well done again.

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## JustEM

Thanks so much, Magie.  :(happy):  

Onwards and upwards now. Taking each day as it comes now. It's probably going to be a long road ahead, but today was better than yesterday so that's a good start.

I do feel relieved and I'm sure I'll feel better when my body starts feeling healthier, too.

Thanks for your support. xx

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## Suzi

I'm SO proud of you!!!! Well done lovely!

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## JustEM

Thanks Suzi. Means a lot.  :): 

Had a big chat with my mother tonight and she is the first and only one I've opened up to about WHY I stopped eating - as a form of self-destruction due to the depression. I wanted to die but would never take my own life so figured if I stopped eating, it would be something else that took my life. She said I really need to be telling the professionals this so Friday I will tell the OT and my therapist. I do feel relieved. 

Will let you know how the weighing goes tomorrow x

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Suzi (06-09-17)

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## Suzi

Can your Mum be with you when you see the OT? It's brilliant that you've started opening up to her about it all.

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## JustEM

Yes, definitely. My mother would be more than happy to be there.  :(nod):  She's a great support for me. I used to feel she was out to get me too but my therapist helped me overcome massive issues around her and I feel we now have this understanding that the illness is something separate to the real me. I'm so grateful for her.

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## Suzi

That's awesome. 

Good luck today lovely.

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## Paula

That made me cry, I'm so proud of you. I know you can do this and we'll be waving pom-poms the whole way  :):

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## magie06

What have you planned for today? Something nice for you I hope.

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## JustEM

Thanks everyone!!  :Panda: 

Suzi, I was weighed today and there was a slight increase actually. So no weight loss means no hospital - woo hoo!  :(rofl):   :(whew):  Drank another supplement drink in front of my mother this morning and went for lunch with her and my dad, which was lovely and relaxed.  :):  Went to the GP and they referred me privately to see the Clinical Lead of the gastric ward as an outpatient. She specialises in nutrition because in all honesty (and the GP agreed!) the ED services, i.e. the OT I see really doesn't have any specialty in health or nutrition. She's just watching my weight basically. Think she was a bit taken aback when I said I'd made this referral and got a bit on the defensive.  :(giggle):  Ooops. Unfortunately, she's a tad negative but she means well I'm sure. I click way better with the CPN, could just be a personality thing. Also increased my medication today to 100mg which the GP said to stick with for a month on this dose. Also got my bloods done again and have a bone scan arranged for October. Sorted!

Paula, thank you!  :(bear):  The pom-poms mean a lot!! 

Hey Magie  :):  Had a lovely day thanks. Went for a lovely scenic drive with my parents, lunch by the seafront and a nature walk. Then I came home and had a soak in the bath with some new bath salts and painted my nails and straightened my hair. Going to chuck a movie on later too and have decided that tomorrow I'm going out for the day into the city and having a 'me' day. Even if I don't buy anything other than my bus fare, I feel I need and want to get away and do something for me!  :):  How was your day today? x

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## Paula

What an amazing post! So awesome  :): . Well done for the weight gain too

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## JustEM

Thanks, Paula.  :(bear):  

My head's trying to wind me up about the weight gain but I know it's just easier to comply than go to hospital. I can do this!  :(nod):

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Paula (07-09-17)

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## magie06

You can and you have done the hardest thing by starting. Well done.  :Panda:

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## Suzi

That post has me beaming! That's no small achievement today I promise! Well done lovely!

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## JustEM

Thanks everyone!!  :): 
You're all so nice! X

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## JustEM

Saw the OT again today. My blood test results were all okay again. She said this is remarkable! So the weight gain and the bloods being okay means no hospital for me!  :(whew):   :(y): 
She also said to me that she believes me that my problem IS depression because of how I speak and behave and she said when she saw me eat the other day, my behaviours were very different to someone with an eating disorder. That said, obviously I have issues with my eating and she has a duty of care to make sure the eating disorder doesn't seep in too much. She's also happy with the notion of me going to this gardening project, doing the reflexology course and getting a part time job. So it's good we're on the same page for now. Perhaps I can start to dread my meetings with her a little less now!  :(giggle):  

My mood has unfortunately been down-on-the-floor RUBBISH. Guess I've got to just accept that and go with the flow until the tablets kick in. Still, I went out with my dad for a few hours and bought him a coffee. I also bought myself a book and spent half hour on the piano, and I ordered some terracotta pots and acryllic paints to paint them ready for Christmas gifts! I feel pretty bored and lonely. Bit of a catch 22 situation because whilst I don't have much motivation to do things and whilst I seem to feel lonely and bored no matter what I do, doing nothing at all makes the depression worse. 

So as for tonight, I'm doing an online support group and then taking a walk by the beach before watching something on TV and reading a few pages of this new book. Small victories.

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## Paula

You're incredible. No matter how bad,you feel, you never give up! I'm so glad you've settled things with the OT  :):

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## JustEM

Thanks, Paula.  :Panda: 

You're so kind! I simply cannot give up! 

Thanks, it was a relief to settle things with her. My parents even feel confident to go away for a few days together next week (they've been on annual leave together for one week already but last week changed their plans due to my anxiety of being alone and their fears of me being admitted to hospital) now that the hospital scare has passed!  :(whew):  This is a real positive for them and us all!  :(y): 

Hope you've had a good day! x

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Paula (08-09-17)

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## Suzi

You really are amazing. I am in awe of you and your inner strength. I love that you are so determined!

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## JustEM

Thanks, Suzi! That's very kind of you to say  :):  ... although I most certainly DO still need to push myself a lot harder sometimes! (or always!!)  :(nod): 

Means a lot to me to have others here who 'get it' show me such kindness and encouragement. Thank you.  :): 

I was really proud of myself today!  :(y):  I've been alone since yesterday morning until this afternoon and coped really well with no anxiety at all. I took total advantage of the torrential rain and started to devour a new book (I haven't read for AGES!) Then I motivated myself to get up and ready this morning and to catch four buses (with an hour's worth of waiting between bus rides in the rain and cold) to go to a job interview. It would have been so much easier to have just stayed at home and not tried. I was so pleased that I tried!!  :(nod):  I will know if I got it on Tuesday.... to start this coming Friday!  :(y): 

Then my sister-in-law popped over for the afternoon with my three year old niece which was lovely.  :): 

I'm going to meet the volunteer co-ordinator at the horticulture/ecotherapy project tomorrow morning, too. (The charity project for MH sufferers that my therapist recommended me for.) I'm going with my parents and then we plan to make a day of it and stay there a while after. 

Tomorrow evening, I'm going for the first time to an eating disorder support group! A bit nervous but determined to give it a shot at least!

I have to meet the OT AGAIN tomorrow which fills me with anxiety, but hopefully I'll keep my positive spirits up when she pops around. (My eating's been appalling this weekend and the supplement drinks went down the sink but I won't share this with her. Now people are around me from tomorrow, I know that my eating will improve.). 

Hope you've all had a good weekend. 

Thanks for reading! This helps me to get my thoughts out!  :O:

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## Suzi

That's all so positive - but why did the drinks go down the sink?

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## JustEM

I feel worse if I drink them. I don't want to gain weight because I'm scared that will make me feel worse and I really need to avoid everything that will make me feel worse! I think the fear stems back to when I received some negative comments about my weight last year when the symptoms of depression first started showing again. 

It's okay though. The fear of being admitted to hospital is preventing me from slipping into the eating disorder side of things. I'm with others now too so I'll comply more to keep the peace. I just can't be bothered when I'm left to my own devices. Think we're all a bit like that sometimes though? 

Hopefully I can work through these fears when my therapy sessions start again.

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## magie06

You have taken giant steps in the last few days. Well done and congratulations on all you have done.

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## Suzi

Have you told your Mum about not drinking them?

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## JustEM

Thank you Magie!  :): 

I went to the horticulture project today. I honestly loved the look of it! They hold an art class every Tuesday morning where they do pottery and on Wednesday afternoons they have mindfulness sessions held in a relaxing garden. On Tuesday afternoons and Wednesday mornings, there are gardening projects. They grow all their own fruits, vegetables and herbs. It looks great! I then went for a coffee with the other service users who were all really lovely! I'm going next Tuesday now!  :): 

Also off to my first face-to-face eating disorder support group tonight!

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## JustEM

Suzi, my mother always knows when I've restricted... Mother's instinct and all that. She's exasperated by it. She asked me when am I going to wake up and realise I have a problem?! I am trying in so many ways to get well and I'm not going too far into the eating disorder. I feel so guilty for upsetting her. I just can't seem to address it.

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## magie06

I think that if you spend all of your life trying to please others, then you don't get to live the life you are supposed to live.

You are making great strides into conquering your deamons. Try to take it one day at a time. Congratulate yourself on your daily successes and try not to worry about the things you don't get around to.

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## Suzi

I'm so glad you loved the project - it sounds amazing. 
I wonder why you are restricting your eating - even as far as the shakes...

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## JustEM

Thanks Magie. It's nice to have some positivity! The OT just came by. I told her all this positive stuff and she's always banging on about hospital STILL. I told her I feel like each time she comes it's a threat to send me to hospital rather than a support to keep me out?! She's very negative and says I'm on the edge of being admitted. I wish I could escape from her! Meeting my care co-coordinator Wednesday though and really need reassurance about all of this hospital business. Have to be weighed Thursday and bloods again. Ugh. 

Still, you're right. One day at a time and I'm not letting her spoil things.

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## JustEM

Yeah, Suzi. It looked great! And I instantly felt comfortable there and like I fitted in! The people seemed really nice and they even put me down to do a horticulture qualification already! 

Don't know what's up with the eating. Being labelled with an eating disorder makes me feel pressured to have one, if that makes sense? It's like the depression is dismissed sometimes when I know it's the cause of not eating. Low mood, stress, self-punishment too in a way and the inability to be bothered and fear that eating will make me feel worse. All a bit of a jumble of reasons really!

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## Paula

Hunni, I suspect it's not threatening, more that she needs you to understand how poorly you are. If she never mentioned hospital then one day came in to get you sectioned, giving you no opportunity to improve, that wouldn't be fair. Believe me, she won't be wanting you to go into hospital, she'll be wanting you to get better at home.

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## JustEM

Yeah. I don't like her attitude though regardless. 

You're right though, she has to mention it. I'm trying not to let the fear of hospital consume me though, and take each day as it comes. I don't have to see her until Friday now anyways and as long as my weight doesn't drop by Thursday (I'm not intentionally trying to lose weight!) I will be fine. I'm going to weigh in Boots first so I'm not anxious when I go to the GP. I feel like she's just waiting for the opportunity to admit me! But I suppose she just has a duty of care, right? 

Decided against the ED support group tonight. Third time I've decided against it now so I think that shows that deep-down, I don't really want to go! I will do an online ED support group tonight though which I do every night and find very positive. There's also an anorexia group online after my daily group tonight too so that's a good alternative!

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## Suzi

Why did you decide against the support group?

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## JustEM

Because this time around, I know my problems are rooted in the depression. I just didn't want to sit around with other anorexic sufferers if I'm honest. I feel like it's a life I was once consumed by and I don't want to go back or be associated with it? 

I'm going to Mind tomorrow though to check out the depression group. I feel that will benefit me more.

The online groups for ED are good though... and not triggering!

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## Suzi

Fair enough. Sounds like you've really thought it out...

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## JustEM

Hope everyone is as well as they can be right now!  :): 

Little post on the ups and downs... 

Tried out the Mind groups and the mental health drop-in centre. Both weren't actually for me for totally acceptable and rational reasons (I'm not making excuses, honestly!  :(nod):  ) but I'm glad I went and tried them all the same. It's good to see what support works best for us each as individuals.  :(nod):  

Managed to pick myself up from a major stressor regarding my appointment with my dear OT on Monday that was escalated by a very rude GP yesterday who made me burst into tears!  :X:  I'm still going to allow myself to feel anxiety before things that stress me out and to allow myself to feel anger after things that upset me BUT I'm now feeling committed to LIMITING the time that I spend doing this so as not to let others' actions completely ruin my day.  :Ninja:  A difficult concept to put into practice but it's most definitely something I feel committed to really trying to do!  :(y):  I'm also feeling committed to stopping beating myself up so much all the time and to focusing on the positives much more. Like yesterday, okay I spent the whole day in bed in self-pity and misery BUT there was a time that I spent many days that way and now I only had one... and then I got up and showered and went out and was up and out early this morning again. Little victories.  :(nod): 

I saw my CPN care co-ordinator today. She's so lovely and totally reassured me about the whole hospital thing. Turns out she'd been having her own issues with the OT behind the scenes and she also didn't understand why they were threatening me with hospital and tube feeding. (She did still refer to my BMI as 'a sh*tty BMI' though  :(giggle):  and encouraged me to get it up a tad so I can start CBT focused on my depression next month.) I've also maintained my weight (no increase yet but at least no loss) and my bloods weren't of much concern this week either so things generally are looking better that way.  :(whew):  Hopefully I'll have a smoother appointment with the OT on Friday. I don't want it to feel like a tension all the time! 

I also got the job too - I start Friday!  :(rofl): 

Take care everybody! Happy Wednesday! x

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## Paula

That's such a fantastic post! Well done Em  :O:

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## JustEM

Thanks Paula!!  :Panda:  x

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## Suzi

Well done lovely! What's the job? Tell us everything!  :):

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## JustEM

Thanks Suzi!  :): 

It's at Millie's Cookies! It's only part time - 15 hours, so 2-3 days but it's a good start until I feel I'm definitely mentally ready to start and sustain full time work again.  :(nod): 

As it's food-related again, my dear mother did roll her eyes when I told her where I'd be working, but perked up when I promised to work there on the condition that I actually eat one of the cookies from there each week!  :(nod):

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## Suzi

Good! One of the biggest ones with lots of chocolate and sprinkles  :O:

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## JustEM

Haha! I'll do my best....  :X:   :O: 

Job went well today! Easy enough, nice manager and got full marks in the induction tests!  :(y): 

Met with the OT later this afternoon. Told her how she makes me feel she's threatening me with hospital rather than supporting me to stay out. She said she was sorry I felt that way and suggested I only see her once weekly rather than three times with the hope that I'll feel less stressed and pressured! (whew I was pleased about this because our frequent meetings were provoking much anxiety! She also said she'll help me address other areas of concern rather than just focusing on eating the whole time next week. Things like goal-setting to help me achieve what I want in life and to hopefully help me find some more direction. I've become quite lost. 

Had a bit of a wake up call just now though. My parents noted how I'm taking advantage living with them. Not that I'm difficult to live with as such and I know they love and support me and wouldn't boot me out heartlessly in the state I'm in, but I also know that as a 23 year old woman I am taking advantage by living here. It's easier to succumb to depression and to lie under it all and not to turn up for work when there aren't as many responsibilities and no big bills to pay. I am making baby steps towards working again and volunteering etc. But a wake up call is what I need. I know I really need to grow up and get on. 

They also drew attention to my eating disorder - something I seem to avoid to the point of denying its existence. They weren't trying to upset me or criticise me (we all know it's an _illness_) but simply pointing out how manipulative I can be and how much I lie. It's difficult. I know it has a hold of me. There's two sides of me - one that is going along as if everything is totally fine and then the other who lives on melon and coke zero and feeds the sink supplement drinks). I think because I've lost my way, friends and sense of worth in life, 'being anorexic' or rather 'having' anorexia feels like a possession - something I have of my own. Life felt out of control and I felt lost. My body became the thing I could control. I know I need help with my eating. I am trying to put things in place in my life to motivate me to eat more but it's like the eating disorder fights against that. Like today, I ate LESS even though I worked at this new job. 

Sorry for the waffle! 

Other than the not-eating business though, things generally are going quite well. I've been doing more activities that I enjoy to keep distracted and to boost my mood. I've also cracked a bad habit of being too lazy to get undressed at night and have not slept in my day clothes for two weeks straight! Think the sertraline could be something that will work for me, too. Only three weeks now but have increased and I'm sticking with it. 

Wishing everyone a positive and enjoyable weekend!!

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## Paula

Well done for talking to the OT, love. Thing is, they can't change their approach if they don't know how it's affecting you.

You know, I'm so impressed your relationship with your parents means they can talk honestly with you without you taking offence or feeling like they're pressurising you. That's says a lot of good about all three of you  :):

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## Suzi

I completely agree with Paula. That's an amazingly honest and open post. Well done for talking to the OT and to your parents lovely...

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## JustEM

Thanks ladies!  :Panda: 

Totally right there, Paula. It's about finding what support benefits us each as individuals. I feel relieved I don't have to see her three times a week now haha!  :(whew): 

Yeah, I have a great relationship with my parents. I feel more motivated to grow up and get on! They're a great support for me. I'm very fortunate there.  :):

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## Suzi

You sound upbeat lovely which is great...
Give your Mum a massive thanks for being so awesome!

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## JustEM

Yeah, as positive as ever me Suzi!  :O:  Ah yeah, my mam is an angel. I would honestly be lost without her! 

I had a big wake up call today. Met with ED services at the clinic. I lost quite a lot of weight in a short space of time and my BMI shows 'severe anorexia' at 13. My bloods showed abnormalities, too. The neutrophils were low (basically, my immune system is down and if I got an infection, my body would struggle to recover.) People can be admitted to hospital if the levels go below 1 due to the risk of infection and my levels were at 1.1. Close call. Jammy as ever.

Anyways! They've referred me to hospital BUT as I, my parents and my care co-coordinator ALL think hospital would be the worst option for me (unless obviously things were desperate), they have given me one last chance to comply at home. Starting today, I have to drink three supplement drinks. I've asked my parents to watch me drink them to ensure I don't 'feed' the sink with them!! I'm going back to the clinic on Friday. To avoid hospital admission from there, I need to ensure I comply these next three days, that my weight doesn't drop and that my bloods don't deteriorate! So hopefully, like a cat with nine lives, I have avoided hospital!!

The ED services said if I do get admitted, they would support the idea of me orally taking on the calories by eating and drinking supplement drinks to avoid NG tube feeding, so if worst does come to worst and I am admitted... I'm not so terrified about it because there's a way I can avoid that horrible tube again! 

On a lighter note, I had a good appointment with my care co-coordinator today. She's great. She told me to reward myself every time I drink one of these drinks by doing something I enjoy doing. This makes it not feel like I'm only doing it for the ED services to back off but that I'm doing it to be able to do more in my life! She's meeting me next week and taking me to Costa for a coffee as a 'reward'. 

Think the medication is starting to kick in, too. I'm getting pleasure out of doing things for the first time in a long time! I'm particularly enjoying painting flower pots for Christmas gifts! 

I love my job at Millie's Cookies! I honestly think it's the perfect job for me! My local stall is really quiet and my manager said as long as all the work is done and it's clean, he's happy for me to bring in a book or magazine and even go on my phone haha! What kind of job is that? Love it. He said in October, he'd be able to give me full time hours between my local stall and a shop in the city centre which is busier and where more people work. So there's chance of me meeting others, too. This is something really worth guzzling down those drinks for! 

The eco therapy project is a bit of a trek to get to unfortunately but it's not impossible! Turns out the buses change with the school holidays!! The project co-coordinator is back from annual leave in a few weeks so I can join them again then! By then, I should be a little physically healthier too.

Therapy appointment then tomorrow with my lovely therapist who I haven't seen in five weeks!! Due a session! 

Onwards and upwards, now.

----------


## Suzi

Why haven't you been drinking and eating lovely? I'm worried about you. 
Your care coordinator sounds lovely and I think she's completely right - it shouldn't be torture but something to reward yourself with. What things are you planning to reward yourself with?

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## JustEM

I don't even know really, Suzi. I know there were several reasons why I stopped initially right back in January. I think when the body becomes malnourished, the mind suffers too.... And I went a bit far. Anorexia is a weird illness. It makes you feel great and positive and completely in denial of the seriousness of it all but at the same time gravely unwell both mentally and physically. Even now the news they told me today hasn't sunk in. It doesn't feel real. It's an illness and I think in some ways it's like an addiction. A lot of it is about control. 

I have complied with the drinks today though and will again tomorrow. 

Have rewarded myself today with an afternoon of painting and a nice chin wag with my dear auntie on the phone. Tomorrow, I plan to pick up some new books from the library and browse around a little market town and see if I can pick my mam up a little nice something, maybe take a nice hot bubble bath, download a new album to play whilst painting, I would like to go to the cinema at the weekend but maybe just watch a new movie at home instead. Just little things really. Simple pleasures! I'm also looking forward to working at the weekend. I hope to be spending Friday night selling cookies and not drinking supplement drinks on a hospital ward!

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## Suzi

Well done hunni... I do "get" the whole issues surrounding control...

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## JustEM

Yeah, cheers Suzi. 

My stomach's feeling a bit sicky and 'bleurgh'. Could be that I'm just not used to the calories from the drinks or that it's my head. 
Regardless, I'm still complying.

Feel a bit flat but trying to stay positive as always. Off for a browse around town before therapy then an afternoon of painting. Keep going aye? 

Have a good day x

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## Suzi

Be kind to yourself gorgeous. You're battling hard.

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## JustEM

Thanks hun.  :Panda:  And you too!  :(bear): 

Just treated myself to two new books from a vintage book store and picked up some little gifts for my parents. Impressed myself by managing to get served despite having no ID (I look SO young!) and got my dad a cool bottle of beer. Love spending money I don't really have haha!  :O: 

Had a great session with my therapist. We just chatted and she didn't charge me. She said she can see that mentally I am in a much better place and that things seem much better for me at home with my parents. She feels I'm in a good place for some more sessions with her and sees a change in me because I am finally actually doing things for myself. Happy days.

Plus I get to see my little three year old niece this afternoon which is always a joy. 

So lots to be thankful for. Hope all is well your end. X

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## magie06

Well done. That's such a positive post. Enjoy your time with your little niece and treasure every moment with her. They grow up so fast.

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## JustEM

Thanks Magie!

Yeah, always keeping positive I am! 

Aw I do! She's a joy. Can't believe she's in nursery already!

Hope all is well with you xx

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## Suzi

Sounds like a good day - how's the shakes gone?

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## JustEM

Yeah, it was a good day! 

I've drunk them all again today. My stomach actually hurts a little. It's just not used to calories or nutrition! So that's a little uncomfortable but manageable. 

I know I may well slip into old ways again when the hospital scare is avoided but I also know the ED services know this and won't exactly back away from me! 

Part of me wants to get through tomorrow with ED services and then go back to what feels more comfortable but the other part knows my body is grateful for the nutrition. Plus the whole 'reward' thing works well. 

Taking each day as it comes. OT in the morning then blood results, weighing and ECG in the afternoon. Hopefully no hospital admission after that!

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## Suzi

Thinking of you today lovely. Please let us know how you get on!!

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## magie06

I'm sitting here with bated breath waiting to find out how you get on. Good luck.

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## JustEM

Thanks SO much ladies!! 

Appointment went well! Gained weight and my BMI isn't at a scary level and has skipped up to 14. The neutrophil levels in my blood also improved and there are no concerns about my electrolyte and potassium levels. So NO hospital admission for me!! Woo hoo! 

I actually burst out crying and dropped an 'F Bomb' in the appointment. Think I was just so exhausted from being so positive. I was so overwhelmed and relieved!!

The OT was supposed to meet me this morning so I could drink a supplement with her but she cancelled on me by text...  Which I didn't get due to expecting her to come and thus not checking my phone. Then I couldn't get hold of her about my blood results and my anxiety was through the roof! So today I told her openly how this had made me feel. She apologised and we patched it up. She's coming by Monday and we are going to look at setting other not just food related goals and will do a relaxation exercise together. She's not so bad after all. 

Working tonight now and tomorrow! 

Everybody have a lovely weekend! Thank you for your support all xxx

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## Suzi

I could drop the F bomb for you too! I'm so fing pleased for you! Well done love! I'm thrilled for you!

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## JustEM

Hehehe thank you Suzi  :Panda: 

That's fing fantastic!  :O: 

Just got back from work and it went really well! Came home with free cookies for my parents bless them!  :P: 

You have a lovely weekend xx

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## Suzi

Did you eat a cookie? I'm sure we made a deal that you would lol.....

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## JustEM

Hehe we did lol yes! I haven't as of yet although in all fairness I have been on the shakes haha!

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## Suzi

Hmm.... I hope you do get to eat one - hey, maybe one day we'll share one!  :):  You had better keep on with those shakes  :O:  You keep putting weight on and I'll work just as hard at trying to lose it  :O:

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## JustEM

I will one day again, I'm certain.  :(angel):  Hey, that would be a cool idea too!  :Panda: 

Okay, I'll do my best and you do yours. We got this, girl!  :(y):  (sorry in advance for my not so compliant days though... It's easier said than done!  :O:  ) 

Take care Suzi. Thanks for being so supportive! xx

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## Suzi

If it was easy love you wouldn't have been dealing with it for so long..... You'd just "do it." One shake/step/piece of lettuce at a time  :O:

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## JustEM

That's true. 
Haha, one lettuce leaf! Love it lol. 
Few awful days compliance-wise but it's been an emotional time and when emotions are high life gets stressful, the depression gets rubbish and the eating gets pathetic. Had some really sad news last night but just going with the flow. 

Positive is I've cried twice (albeit in front of the OT!) and I haven't been able to cry in ages. I also really enjoyed working at the weekend. 

If I'm honest, I need to be supervised to eat. Not supported as such as I can get on with it, but if I'm alone I just won't eat and tip away the shakes....

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## Suzi

What happened love?

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## JustEM

To be honest Suzi, think I was so overwhelmed last week to hear from the ED services that I was lucky to be alive and that my illness had become 'severe' and 'life threatening' (honestly didn't realise it had even become this bad) and so relieved that I had managed to keep so positive and work so hard to stay out of hospital that after that I just lost all control. I worked the same night I was told I was lucky to be alive and for nine hours on no food the next day! Then I starved on only fruit for three days straight. 

Found out two nights ago my sister in law has had a third miscarriage. Seeing my happy go lucky brother so desperately sad honestly broke my heart. 

Today I told my mother everything. She is such a big support and has agreed to supervise me to make sure I drink the shakes and eat the agreed bits of food. It's scary but I don't want to live this way anymore! My auntie said eat to be able to do the things you want rather than only thinking of eating to gain weight. 

I just had some lunch and feel so much more energised. I can do this! 

Getting weighed again at the clinic tomorrow and have to fess up to the services, but I am asking for more support now!

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## Suzi

I really feel for your sister in law. I know the pain of miscarriage. (hugs) 
I'm so glad you're so open with your Mum. It's so brilliant that she's willing to help and not add to the problems. 

Are you sure that working with food is a good idea lovely when you are struggling with it so much? 

I'm amazed that you are still so upbeat and positive. You are amazing.

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## JustEM

Thanks Suzi. I'm sorry that you know the pain of miscarriage, too. Sending big hugs right back to you, hun! My sister in law is being remarkably strong. 

My mam is such a support. I went to the clinic today and came clean with the OT. I hit my lowest weight now at four and a half stone and my bloods are out. I'm on my absolute last warning before hospital. I've been struggling with refeeding physically so have agreed to have three supplements and three small snacks of melon, grapes and a couple of rivitas through the day. As after eating yesterday I almost vomitted and had to lie down from dizziness after drinking a simple supplement! My stomach has been making horrible squelching sounds. They don't want me to have refeeding syndrome. 

Amazingly, they're still allowing me to work! The OT said I really need to comply though because I could collapse. I'm going back to the clinic on Friday. 

Work gives me a sense of normality. It's a respite for me. It doesn't feel too food-focused. It's only cookies and there are lots of other things to do there so it's not like the chef jobs I've done before. Thanks for the thought though. 

That's very kind of you to say, Suzi! I do try my very best to keep positive! I've started a new project actually... There's a charity event in six weeks at my local Church and I'm running my own stall setting hand-painted flower pots, homemade pies and homemade chutneys! I've really rekindled my love for painting! So I'm always setting little goals for myself and choosing life! 

Hope you're having a good week xx

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## Suzi

4 1/2 stone? Seriously lovely, you need to comply because that's a scary low weight, and we're just getting the chance to know you. From what I do know about you, I think you're pretty dam awesome, but you're going to have to make this work so we can get to know you more. 
I have to confess to being a big bit out of my depth with the ED stuff, so you might have to help me on the way if that's OK? But I promise you, I'll be here with you throughout this - as long as you want me to be. 
I don't know where you are based, but I know there are loads of things that I'm sure you haven't done yet, so let's beat this  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ty ED OK? 
I'd love to see some of your painting lovely. I can tell you're really creative. 

One step and one supplement at a time? OK?

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## JustEM

Thanks Suzi! From what I know of you so far, you are clearly such a lovely, kind and compassionate person! Thank you for your support. Of course, I would be so grateful for you to be a part of this journey of recovery! Thank you. Please feel you can off-load to me about anything too, hun. I'm told I give pretty good advice! 

Ah, I don't get EDs myself! They're a complicated business, but feel free to ask anything and I'll do my best to explain. 

I got off the phone with the OT this afternoon who said I could collapse and that this could kill me. Sigh. As bloody positive as ever, bless her! Then I went to work and it felt totally overwhelming, surreal and futile. I was honest with them. The girl I worked with seemed indifferent and more concerned about the rota issues than my heart, although she was only a nineteen year old kid love her. If they can permit me to do a maximum of three 3-hour shifts where I won't be working alone, it's do-able. Otherwise, I'll have to postpone it until I'm stronger. Due to work Saturday 4-7 next. 

I'm a Welsh gal I am and there are lots of things I want to do in life. I do keep very positive and take day by day. I find focusing on one day at a time really is the best way to get through things. We honestly do only have today. 

I am quite creative! I would love to share some of my art. Can I do that on here? I could share some snaps! Also some poetry, if you like!

How about you? Are you creative too? X

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Suzi (28-09-17)

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## Suzi

Maybe your OT is trying to get you to acknowledge how serious this is? Maybe all she sees is your positivity and has mistaken it for you not understanding how serious it is for your health? Might be worth telling her that you do understand how important it is, but her saying things like that is making it harder, not easier? 

I love Wales - are you south or north? One of my closet friends is in South Wales and it's one of my favourite places in the world. 
As long as you use a different hosting site and then link to the picture - there is a thread on how to do it- then yes of course you can share some of your work in the creative section! I crochet and cross stitch and used to write a fair bit....

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## JustEM

Yeah, I totally agree with that. At the end of the day, they have a duty of care. The ED Team Leader wasn't best pleased and thinks I should be in hospital. So does my mother, but everyone is trying to keep me out and I really feel I will be able to avoid it. That's great advice though. It's always best to be open and honest from the onset. She phoned me this morning and said that yesterday she felt for the first time that I do actually want to get well. She's nice. My ED just hates her sometimes. 

She told me to go to A&E if I start to feel unwell or to call her and she'll sort me a hospital bed. This all feels a little surreal and double-life writing this as I'm on the bus to a market town for my therapy session....

I'm from the South! Born in the little Valley towns but now I live by the coast and it's beautiful. Something special about the Valleys though. Nothing much there but the good Welsh spirit! 

Okay, that sounds cool. Maybe I'll venture out and share something soon. Crochet sounds good! I tried knitting once when I was badly anorexic at 17 at a time when the adolescent MH services considered even breathing as exercise lol. I lost so many hours knitting and loved it. Was embarrassingly bad at it though, but everyone loved their lop-sided scarves hehe! 

I love to write, too. Why the 'used to' write a fair bit? I especially love to write poetry. 

Hope you have a lovely day. It's a nice sunny one here in Wales!

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## Paula

Hey lovely, Ive just caught up on everything and Im really, really worried for you ....... I love how positive you are but Im hoping youre really starting to take your illness seriously. 

Id love to see some of your art!  :):

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## JustEM

Hey Paula,

Yeah, it's all a bit surreal! Part of me (not in a depressing way but I say this with more of a sense of relief and desire to be free) wants to just collapse for it all to be over. Just coming from therapy now though and she's helped me see just how many people ARE rooting for me to get well and that deep-down, I DO actually want to get better. We're working on me getting well for me and discovering what it is I want out of life. 

I am trying to take it seriously. It's all a bit 'double life'.

Oo okay great! I shall have to share some then! 

Hope all is as well as it can be with you hun xx

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## Suzi

I'm glad you want to get better. I want you to get better. 

I'm rubbish at knitting, Magie and Flo are awesome, so if you need some help I'm sure they will help.

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## JustEM

Thanks Suzi. 

So far, with the supervision, I'm coping with the snacks and shakes and not feeling the horrible symptoms so much. So far so good. 

Great therapy session today though! She wants to see me twice a week and is giving me one of the sessions for free! Spoke to the OT again today and she seemed positive. There was a slight improvement with my bloods so as long as my weight doesn't decrease tomorrow (it won't), I will be able to stay at home. 

I'm also meeting weekly with my CPN who's so lovely and reassuring. She told me I've got my first appointment with the psychologist from the CMHT in October even though my BMI hasn't reached 15. 

So I have all the support I need in place now and I know I have a wonderful family around me. I'm in a good environment to move forward! 

Millie's have given me some shorter shifts but cared far more about the rota than the fact my heart could stop beating and I could collapse. It's not the end of the world if this little job doesn't work out as there's always work around my local area and if I have a few hours here and there then that's a bonus. Next in Saturday! 

Still doing lots of things I enjoy and to keep me busy. The painting has been a real triumph! 'Homework' from my therapist today is to paint two pots for ME and to write a creative piece or poem about the experience of doing this. She also asked me to write two poems by next week. We shared a coffee and a supplement together in our session today, which was oddly lovely! 

Lots of nice things planned for the next few days, too. Checking out the farmers market Saturday morning to enquire into doing my own stall, cinema Saturday night, day out with my little niece and a night in with my brother and sister in law.

My mood is doing much better. Thanks sertraline. Increasing the dose in two weeks' time. 

Goals for the future! 

1. Start the horticulture/eco-therapy project in two weeks.
2. Start volunteering at the soup kitchen in two weeks.
3. Continue to work and hopefully be well enough to increase hours in a couple weeks' time. (or get a more appropriate job!)
4. Then I really want to work on getting out and meeting people. I have no friends and, whilst South Wales is beautiful, my hometown is lonely and isolating. 

Don't know why I ramble on like this. Think it helps me process things in my brain!

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## Suzi

It's not rambling, it's making friends...

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## JustEM

Yes, by means of rambling.... :O: 

Sorry, my head's everywhere. 

Thanks Suzi x

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## Suzi

How are you today lovely?

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## JustEM

Not bad, thanks. 

Mood a bit flat as I'm tired of being a full-time mental health patient. Just coming from the clinic. Slight improvement with my bloods and weight. Everyone thinks hospital is where I should be and the OT said I'm her worst patient she's most concerned about. She said I'm at real risk of collapse. But I'm still out of hospital for the weekend and going back to the clinic Monday. Fun times! 

All feels a bit surreal. I can't seem to see the seriousness of it all. 

I've had to knock Millie's Cookies on the head unfortunately. They really don't want me working there. Bit of a blow but not the end of the world. Fortunately, I can find work quite easily where I live. 

On the plus side though, my mother came home from work today with a huge bag of home grown apples for me to make Christmas chutney this weekend! I'm also planting three of my pots today to give as a gift for my sister in law who has just lost her baby. Starting another pot tonight and the OT has asked me to write a poem for Monday! Also making a cornbread for my mother to say thank you. So lots to keep me busy! 

How are you doing? X

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## Paula

Sweetie, it worries me that you cant see how poorly you are. Ive had to learn over the years that, if everyone around me is telling me something I dont want to hear, I have to trust them .....

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## Suzi

I wish you could see that you really poorly, and that you have to take it seriously, because there are loads of people who desperately want you to stay around.... 

You can do this. You can beat it.

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## JustEM

I know.... I think sometimes it's hard to see something when you're so far into it. The OT told me I could die today and it was like she said something about the weather. It's not that I don't care, I think my brain just can't process it. It doesn't feel real to me. 

But thanks Paula, you're right. The MH services and those closest to me wouldn't be telling me this if it wasn't true or serious. I have to accept that and I do trust them.

Thanks Suzi. I know, I'm blessed to have people rooting for me. I know I can beat it. I've beat it twice before. I feel like I can't be bothered to fight again but I am still complying (albeit reluctantly and only to prevent hospitalisation).

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## Suzi

How are you doing today lovely?

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## JustEM

Thanks for checking in on me. 

Bit meh today. Mood is flat as a pancake. Can't be arsed with anything, really. That's to be expected though if I'm doing more of what I don't want to do (nourishment) and less of what I do want to do (physical activity and work). Plus I feel like I'm only doing it to stay out of hospital which isn't the greatest motivation. Still, at least I'm still at home painting and complying. 

Keeping the goal of being able to go to work and have an outlet of my own as my focus. It's what helped me last time, actually. Work will be what gives me that sense of 'normality' away from my current life of full time mental illness. Maybe this will be what actually makes me be able to stick at a job! 

Painting my brother a Starbucks-related pot today (he's coffee mad!) to feel with lots of tasty treats as a little gift to cheer him up a bit. Cheers me up a bit, too.

How are you doing? X

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## Paula

Are you seeing anyone today?

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## JustEM

Not today, but my parents are present when I'm at home. They can't trust me to be alone in case I restrict and over-exert. Which I probably would. 

Quiet day today, I don't feel like going out.

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## magie06

Stay in then. It's no harm to stay home and have a lazy day every now and again. Thinking of you even when I don't reply, you are on my mind a lot.

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## JustEM

Thanks Magie, that really means a lot. 

You're right, nothing wrong with a cosy day in with the Welsh drizzle outside!

Hope all is as well as it can be with you right now!

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## Suzi

I love that you're still painting and letting out your creativity. 
It's a weird day here today.. One where I've been busy, but not got anything to show for it!

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## JustEM

Ah, I have to Suzi. I get engrossed in it and the hours honestly fly by! 

I've been really angry today though. Screamed a few expletives at the washing machine when the spinner was on full whack earlier and blasted out the rock music. 

Haven't bothered with showering and such today, but it's okay. I allow myself days like this sometimes. 

Haha, I have too many days like that myself Suzi! I love to faff! I'm sure you'd have more than you think you could show for it if you stopped and looked!

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## Suzi

Why have you been angry lovely? Do you want to talk about it?

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## JustEM

Just angry that I have to do what my head really doesn't want to. I feel better left to my own devices. I don't want to get well and I'm angry that the only reason I'm complying is to prevent being tube fed in hospital and to appease some OT who thinks she understands but doesn't have a bloody clue and who I don't give a bloody jot about. 

There's just no motivation to get well. I've got no friends at all (not even colleagues or sort-of friends), no job, I'm not a part or member of anything and I get no real sense of fun out of anything other than bloody flower pot painting. And I'm 23, like! I feel like such a loser and a total joke, failure and embarrassment. I have no big aspirations for the future now because all my plans since last year just kept fizzling out. I'm fed up of things messing up through my life - my education, my employment, my relationships and my dreams. 

And my anger is directed towards anyone encouraging or supervising me to eat. 

I'm just feeling sorry for myself, I think. Feel so angry and fed up that I've had mental health problems for over half my life and I'm still only young. Can't believe I'm back here again after being severely anorexic at 10 and again at 17. Feels never-ending and I'm done fighting. 

There's also tension in the house now there is need for Mass and to go out!

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## JustEM

Don't know what the very last sentence means haha!! - Predictive typing!! I meant to say there is increased tension in my house now between my anger, frustration and horrendous mood, my mother's nags to drink and almost-threats of hospital and her total exasperation with me, with my dad's inability to know how to deal with it all other than to over-work and put more pressure on mam.

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## Paula

Im going to be blunt here, sorry. First, your OT is just doing her job. Its her job to push you to comply, its her job to keep you safe - from this illness and yourself. Its not her job to be your best friend and shell do whatever she can to stop you starving yourself to death. You may not give a jot about her but she gives a jot about you - that is her job .... 

Second, as a mother to daughters (one of which is close to your age) I can tell you that she isnt nagging you to drink, shes doing everything in her power to save her babys life. I can tell you that her heart is breaking right now, that she would much rather alienate you than watch you die while feeling completely helpless to stop it. I promise you that a little part of her dies every time you dont drink, every time she sees the numbers on those scales go down, every time someone tells her youre close to death. And your dad isnt intentionally putting more pressure on your mum. Hes doing what 99.9% of men do when things get tough - they provide. It may not necessarily be the right course of action but its what they do

Third, I get it. Ive battled my MH problems for 3 decades and Im tired. But that doesnt stop me fighting. Neither should you stop fighting. There is a life apart from mental illness, there is more to life than this - that I can promise - but Youre the only one who can make that happen. And you _should_ make it happen - youre a bright, warm, funny, big hearted woman and I know youre going to have so much joy in your life. Youre allowed to have days where youre feeling sorry for yourself but then you have to dry those tears, pick yourself up and keep fighting.

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Suzi (01-10-17)

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## JustEM

Thanks Paula. Brutal honesty is what I need sometimes! 

I know it's her job and I know I don't have to like her. I know she has a duty of care. I'm not saying she doesn't care at all - she obviously cares enough to do the job - but when you have MH issues it's so easy to root out those who care enough to get the job done and those who really, genuinely care. It doesn't help that she focuses on the negative all the time. (My mother agrees with this) She says 'eat because anorexia is killing you' rather than 'eat to stay well' and always asks me 'Do you want to go to hospital...?' Like it's some kind of threat. I'm seeing her again tomorrow with my mother and we're going to gently say that making too much reference to the 'you could die' aspect of it isn't helpful. 

She also keeps saying how she 'gets' it. Sorry love, but she doesn't get what it's like to HAVE anorexia just because she works with sufferers three days a week. No matter how long you look at a patient, it won't make you feel it. 

As for my mother, I know she's doing everything to support me. My parents are incredible. You're totally right about my dad! When life gets tough.... He heads to work, bless him! I've told my parents my anger and low mood is to be expected and they understand that. I'm busying myself with painting and staying out of their way if I feel crappy because I don't want to create any further tension. It's just easier that I comply.

That's so inspirational Paula, that you keep on fighting! And I'm so pleased and proud of you for achieving such goodness outside of mental illness. You must be a very strong and determined person! Keep fighting! 

Yeah, I wallowed yesterday and still feel crappy today but not AS bad as yesterday. Painting and pyjama day again but might actually get over the grump and shower later on. 

I'm trying to get well for ME - to work, to volunteer, to be able to exercise for my health, to join some exercise classes with my sister in law to boost my mood and meet new people and to eventually move out (my goals!) rather than to gain weight, avoid hospital, prevent tension at home or get the OT off my case. 

Hope you have a nice day today! X

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## Suzi

Sweetheart you are amazing. You can do this. I want you to get well for you, for your parents, but also selfishly because I know how much I like talking to you! You really are more than your mental health issues. You are a strong, intelligent and loving young lady who really has so much ahead of her and I know the world isn't always going to be as hard for you as it is right now.

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## JustEM

Thank you, Suzi. That's really very kind of you to say all of that. I like talking to you, too! You are always so supportive and encouraging. Thank you! 

I've been through recovery twice before and know it gets worse before it gets better. I know I can do this. Both times before, I didn't want to get well. It was like it is now - that I've kind of been forced to make a choice of how I want to get onto the road to recovery! But both times I got out of it, I swore I would never relapse. And life did get better. In fact, at times, it got wonderful! 

I know I'm more than another mental health statistic. It's just been a long, tiresome road. 

I want to be able to want to get better for me, but right now I'm not in that mindset. I would however rather not be this way than be this way (I just don't want to face the fight of getting well) so I guess that's a start.

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## Suzi

Can I ask a difficult question? Why don't you want to get better for you? Why aren't you worth fighting for?

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## JustEM

Hmm. Guess I feel like a complete failure. An embarrassment. A joke. 

I don't have a job and can't ever get a 'good' job other than unfulfilling work or catering work with my enemy - food, I'm not in education, I have NO friends whatsoever and can't seem to meet anyone my age no matter how much I've tried, I have no purpose each day, I'm not in a relationship, I don't have kids, I haven't got my own place to live, I don't even drive and I suffer with really bad depression which re-inforces my feelings that I'm a 'lazy', 'lay-about', 'loser'. 

This feeling of 'not being good enough' stems back to when I was just nine years old. I've moved on from that time but every time I experience a big failure, it acts as a trigger for me to fall into depression, not eating and a lack of self-esteem and confidence.

For instance, I came out of school with all A*s and was being encouraged to study medicine. Then I was badly hurt by a friend and ended up dropping out of school to wash dishes and fell into a serious anorexia relapse. I went back to sixth form but due to my illness remarkably scraped through my A Levels. But I never went to Uni.

I over came anorexia and had such a good relationship with food that I went full circle and wanted to train as a chef! I landed on the best course in the UK and did a placement at a Michelin starred restaurant. I did really well there but when I started college, I was badly bullied by others on the course. It was devastating after having worked so hard to get past my insecurities to be knocked back. I fell into a deep depression and no job compared to the opportunity I had been given.

The trigger this time was feeling not good enough whilst volunteering in Bosnia two summer's back. The community leader was manipulative and this was further re-inforced by me not joining the Convent in India last January. 

Since then, things went from bad to worse.

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## Suzi

Wow... Some of that I was expecting, some I wasn't... 
Michelin trained chef? Wow, I won't cook for you at any point! My cooking skills are legendary........ 

What's stopping you from training in something else? What about something like open uni? I've quite a few friends who have done or who are doing courses with them. At least you can work at your pace when you are able to? 

Having had the chance to get to know you even a little I can't understand why you would feel you aren't good enough. I think you're really quite amazing. I think you are more than good enough. There is plenty of time for all the other things - but only if you start believing you're worth fighting for. I promise you that you are.

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## JustEM

Haha! Well, I didn't complete the training but the place was pretty incredible. Lucknam Park in Wiltshire... Give it a quick google! Oo legendary cooking skills... I like the sound of that! In my eating times lol, I love to cook too - especially baking! 

I don't know what I want to do, really. I don't have the confidence to go through with interviews or offers for jobs I've wanted, like in a nursery or with the homeless. And I had a few knock backs last year that knocked my confidence. 

But I absolutely cannot work with food anymore! I'm thinking of looking for a non-food related shop locally. Something part time to start with.

That's really nice of you to say that. Thanks for being so kind. Feeling a bit bleurgh tonight. Fed up of supplements and feel gross.Still, better than hospital!

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## Suzi

Morning love. I know of Lucknam Park  :O:  Wow.... 

OK something non food related - there are so many options. But maybe right now you need to focus on getting you better?

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## JustEM

Morning Suzi  :(hi): 

Lucknam was incredible! A Welsh Head Chef, too! Hehe! But it wasn't meant to be and that's totally okay. It's all experience. 

I'm a creative soul so probably something with children or people with learning disabilities as I have a good insight into that, too. But to be honest, I struggle to see myself in an 'important' job! I think something with little stress or pressure would suit me best first. It would still be an outlet and I can build my life outside of that. 

There will be plenty of little shop jobs as Christmas is approaching, but you're right. Need to get well first. 

Feeling brighter today though. Finally showered and dressed! Painting away again on my next pot for the charity stall with Kate Bush blasting. Clinic later this afternoon.

How are you doing? 

Confession. My mother went to work and trusted me to drink my supplement un-supervised, but the sink beat me to it.

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## Paula

Ok, have you told her. If not, why not? And can you not have another one now instead?

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## magie06

Good luck with the clinic later. Please don't hate me for this but maybe a little spell in hospital might be in order. They can keep an eye on you calorie intake and also monitor your calorie output. I know it's horrible and it's one of the worst things that can happen, but it is better than the alternative. Just putting my opinion out there.

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## JustEM

No, told her I had one. I won't tell her, but I will drink the next one scheduled with her later. One won't hurt. Besides, the sink was thirsty!

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## JustEM

Thanks Magie. I'll let you know how it goes today.

I would never hate you for saying that! Generally, I have this supervision in place at home now and we're seeing how it goes. I know hospital may be what it comes to but I'm working so hard to stay OUT and so far so good!

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## magie06

I agree, so far so good. It seems that our weight gives us problems no matter whether we are under weight or over weight. This year I cancelled an appointment with someone to do with getting my stomach stapled. I'm 5 stone over weight but I used to be 7. I lost 2 stone about 2 years ago and since June I've lost almost a stone. It's coming off but it's very slow. However I'm determined this time to lose it. I've a significant birthday coming up and I plan on not being this size for that birthday.

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## JustEM

Yeah, it's not about the weight or the food really. It's more about finding the what and why behind our behaviours. 

Well done on the weight loss and that's great that you're motivated to lose the weight for YOU and not because you feel you 'should'. You can definitely do it. Don't be too hard on yourself though, who we are is so much more than a number on the scales. 

Oo exciting about the big birthday! Congrats! 

Just went to the clinic. Turns out I lost half a kilo?! We were shocked because I've taken in MORE and done NO activity over the weekend. (other than the one drink I didn't have today but that wouldn't have done it) The OT wanted to admit me to hospital but saw that I really had worked SO hard over the weekend and has given me ONE last chance until Wednesday when I'm weighed again. If it goes down Wednesday, they will have no choice but to admit me. 

The OT also said I MUST be kind to myself. She said I have to get up, showered and dressed every day and that I must not punish myself in any way.

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## magie06

What a shame! Look after yourself for the next couple of days and hopefully things will be okay on Wednesday. Thinking of you.

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## Suzi

How have you lost weight by increasing the drinks, and not doing anything active?

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## JustEM

Thanks Magie, I will. Feeling much better today than the weekend actually! I'm sure all will be okay by Wednesday. You take care xx

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## JustEM

Absolutely no idea, Suzi! We were all a bit stunned! 

It could be that (and not to be crude) I had lost weight the, ahem, 'natural' way... If you know what I mean... And my stomach had been a bit poorly after restricting and refeeding on repeat.

Otherwise, burning calories by stress caused by the weekend? Unless concentrating on the painting so intently burns calories in the same way revising for long periods can? 

Failing that, no clue. Not a bad way to lose weight though - eat more, do less. It will be all the rage! Lol xx

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## Suzi

I wish it worked for me! 

Seriously love, I'm worried that you aren't going to be honest about missing the drink today. The only way you are going to get through this is to work with those around you. They aren't doing it for any other reason but that they genuinely want to see you get better... You can do this. Even if no one is watching you, you can do this.

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## JustEM

I think it would be everyone's preferred method of weight loss! 

I won't mention the drink as it wasn't the cause of the weight loss. You're right that I should be able to do it even when people aren't watching. I will continue to comply though, difficult as it is.

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## Paula

So what happens when you dont mention the next one or the one after that, and everyone gets worried why you're still losing weight despite your compliance?

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## JustEM

True, which is why I've asked for supervision at home. I cant do it alone. It was a one off today. I really have been trying so hard and I have complied. Support for all drinks and snacks is in place all of this week.

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## Suzi

Morning love... Hope you're feeling brighter today. How's the painting going on?

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## JustEM

Morning Suzi! 

How are you today?

Thanks for checking in on me, hun. Feeling brighter - up, dressed, showered and out on the bus to buy some treats for my brother and sister in law. Popping over there tomorrow.

Painting is going great thanks! Nine pots done already for the charity stall and I bought eight new terracotta pots yesterday!

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## Paula

Good to hear  :):

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## Suzi

How's the drinks going love? 
Your stall is going to look amazing!  :):

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## JustEM

Cheers, Paula!  :): 

Hey, Suzi! 

Drinks are shake-tastic! Drank one before my mam left for work today and told her I need to do that because the temptation is otherwise too strong to chuck them! She was glad I was honest. Yesterday's missed shake was just a little slip-up!

Ah why thank you! Just made a HUGE pot of spiced apple chutney. Making a big batch of spicy apple, chilli and ginger chutney then tomorrow! Just need to decorate the jars like Rudolph after that! 

Currently painting my tenth pot.... I really AM becoming Buddy the Elf.  :O: 

Hope you're having a nice day your end, hun! Thanks for checking in on me xx

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## Paula

Ooo yummy!

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## Suzi

Sounds like you've a proper cottage industry going on! 
Well done on the shakes lovely!

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## JustEM

Hehehe! I'm loving it, Suzi! 

I'm painting one pot a day at this rate! And my mother's picking more apples today for chutney. My dad bless him ordered 50 jam jars last night! I'll be going into business soon haha! 

In all seriousness though, I'm getting such pleasure from this and a real sense of achievement! I love being creative. I'm quite seriously thinking after the charity event in November of looking into running a stall once a month at a local Farmer's Market! I'd sell pots, pies, pickles, preserves and a piece of cake!

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## magie06

That sounds like a brilliant idea. Something to aim for and they are not the words of someone who wants to quit. Well done and good luck at the clinic today. Thinking of you.

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Suzi (04-10-17)

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## JustEM

Yeah, definitely right there Magie!
It's actually very do-able and my sister-in-law has been wanting to do something like this for ages, too! She's an awesome cook!

Thanks for the well wishes. The OT was SUPER positive today and really encouraging and positive. She definitely had her Weetabix this morning! My weight went up a scrap and my bloods improved slightly. She was really proud of me.

Just picked up some alternative snacks to branch out a tad from ASDA and now I'm meeting my baby niece and her other Nanna in McDonalds for a cuppa. (Minus the Big Mac for me. Let's not push it now haha!) Then back home for more painting! 

Also had a good therapy session this morning and addressed things I didn't want to look at. Therapist didn't charge me either!

Hope all is well your end xx

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Suzi (04-10-17)

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## Suzi

Wow! Well done you gorgeous! Have you managed the shakes today too?

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## Paula

Thats fantastic News! Well done, lovely  :):

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## JustEM

Thanks Suzi and Paula!! 

Yes, managed all the shakes again!

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Paula (04-10-17),S deleted (04-10-17)

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## Suzi

EPIC! Well done love! So proud of you!!

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## magie06

That's brilliant. Well done you.

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## JustEM

Wow! Just had some great news this morning all! 

I called the Farmers Market to enquire about running a stall in a local market town. They explained that I would need a license to sell any food BUT that I could sell my flower pots straight away! I have time to arrange being able to sort the formalities for selling food though, too.

They said I could come along and sell in one of their events Christmas time! Really excited about this!

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## S deleted

Sounds great!

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## Suzi

That's really brilliant news! Well done lovely!

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## JustEM

Thanks all! So exciting! Just painted another pot! Already keen to start the next one... Haha!

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## JustEM

Clinic today. Weight went down a smidge to what it was on Monday and there was a slight deterioration showing in my bloods. Sigh. Seems never ending! Bloods also showed something new that indicates my liver is struggling. Going to switch off and enjoy the weekend before I have to go back to the clinic and have more bloods on Monday. 

They're still querying hospital but trying to keep me at home where I'm happier. They're not happy with me looking into work yet so have told me to keep busy building up my stock for the stall and market! Perhaps I can twist their arms if I find a part time office job that's a bit more gentle? I really need an outlet outside of this! 

Otherwise, my mood is good and I've got a nice weekend planned. Painting has made this week fly by! Tummy's a bit icky from the shakes but it is what it is.

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## Paula

You will find an outlet but, hunni, you really need to get well first. I know how upsetting it is - Ive spent years trying all sorts of different ways to cope with work - but you have to be good to yourself and be strong enough to deal with Work. Can you use that as motivation to take in more shakes?

Why do you think your weight is down?

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## magie06

Bad luck on the results today. You have such a positive outlook to this whole process and you will beat it. Can I do anything to help?

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## JustEM

I know, Paula. No use working if it won't, erm, 'work-out'. That will only reinforce my feelings of being a 'failure' and will give my head more opportunity to beat myself up about it.

I've looked into working from home but nothing seems that legitimate, really.... 

Not sure about the weight. Think they're just weighing me too often because weight fluctuates! It wasn't a big loss or anything. Tomorrow it could be back up. Seems kind of futile weighing three times a week!

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## JustEM

Thanks, Magie. 

Yeah, got to just keep going and keep trying really!

Just knowing there are people there who care and who are encouraging me is really nice and reassuring. Thanks xx

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## Suzi

You are loved and cared about love. Are you still taking all the shakes? Honestly? What about adding in food of some description?

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## JustEM

Hey Suzi!

I had one off day yesterday shake-wise but that wouldn't have affected the weight and not the bloods as they were taken before I de-shaked. 

I've had to add a tiny yogurt to my fruit. I did do that tonight but know that I'll end up decreasing the fruit to make up for the yogurt! 

Thanks for the kind words, hun.

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## Suzi

I wasn't asking because of your weight per se, I was asking as I know it's something you are finding hard, and I wanted you to remember that others respect that... 
So... When do we get to see the pots? You seem really busy with them and I'd love to see them.

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## JustEM

Thanks, Suzi. It is really damned hard sometimes to do what I really do not want to do but I'm trying so hard and I don't kick up a fuss about it.

Sometimes I feel my family don't think what I'm doing is good enough, but I just know it's because they wish I could be better tomorrow! I know they care and just want me well. 

I'll post some pics next week for definite! I'm off apple-picking (smuggling!) tomorrow with my auntie at a nearby park to get ready for my chutney-making!

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## Suzi

You are doing so well. You can beat this, I have every faith in you!

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## JustEM

Thank you. That's really kind of you to say.

Struggling today, though. Complying makes my mood worse so I'm less likely to do things I enjoy and go out. Got the anxiety of Monday clinic hanging over me just like last weekend, plus my mother told me yesterday she is coming into my appointment and telling them she wants me to be hospitalised. Cheers, mother. Makes complying feel even more pointless. 

Currently staying with my auntie as my parents are away and she's promised my mother to make sure I comply. I usually love being here, but I just want to go home and switch everything and everyone off and paint because it blocks it all out. My auntie's offered to come stay at my house with me, but I'd feel guilty she'd be bored. Even though I'm bored to pieces here!

Also feel ill today. Massive stress headache and so tired.

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## Paula

Sweetie, I know youre not going to like this but, if I was your mum, Id be doing exactly the same. Youre desperately ill and shes terrified shes going to lose you. Any mum would do whatever it takes to keep her baby safe, even if that means keeping her baby safe from herself.

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## JustEM

Thanks, Paula.

You're right. My Mother's saved my life from this twice before and I mean that literally! 

I know my mood will pick up Monday with the relief that I've been to the clinic and it's over with. I'm fed up of this endless cycle of operation hospital-prevention, relief, mood swings, anxiety, days in bed, self-punishment and reluctant compliance. 

I just need to get through tonight and tomorrow, then I can go home and paint and go Monday.

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## Suzi

I have to say I'm with Paula and I'd be moving heaven and earth to save your life - in some ways to save you from yourself. We're lucky, we're just getting to know you and I know that you are amazing and well worth saving - that the world is a much, much brighter place with you in it. I know that things feel tough and probably a bit "only focussed on complying" rather than living.... I know that's got to be suffocating - but do you know what? There's loads of time to do all the amazing things that you have to come once you've stopped having to focus on this... 

You can get through this weekend - why not write some poetry or a short story?

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## JustEM

Thank you so much. That's really supportive and trust me it means a lot to me. Thanks for your kind words.

Sometimes it's hard to believe this is all actually happening. It's like I'm lost in my head or a bubble. Yeah, guess it's just going to be a long process. One day at a time.

I've tried writing as my therapist asked me to do four poems. I've gotten all my thoughts and feelings out, but couldn't write a poem on it. My head feels squashed in. Feeling really weirdly unwell, too. I've got a great book I'm hooked on though

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## Suzi

Don't forget though that poems don't have to rhyme or have a set pattern or even form verses... Go with it as it comes. 

What's the book?

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## JustEM

I know. I think my head just isn't in the right frame to get it out on paper, if that makes sense? But thanks.

Book is called Safe House. It's a psychological thriller. It's good!

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## Paula

That makes total sense. When Im struggling mentally, I just cant focus - even on those things I normally love to do.

How are you feeling this morning?

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## JustEM

Yeah, although I can do the painting regardless of the mood.... It's funny on reflection as the more challenging my mood the more creative and wacky the flower pot and the better my mood the brighter and more subtle the flower pot! 

I'm okay. Just want to go home and get today over with if I'm honest. Stomach is killing me but trying to ignore that. I'll be alright though.

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## Suzi

:(bear):  :(bear):  hunni....

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## JustEM

Hm.. 

Just started filling my supplement bottles with water, too. My stomach just hurts too much to drink them.

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## Suzi

Sorry do you mean you are drinking your supplements, then adding in more measured amounts of water? Or that you are binning the supplements and hiding that fact by filling them with water?

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## JustEM

Yeahh... Binning and filling with water. 

My stomach is just hurting so bad. I think I could be having refeeding symptoms.

Just got off the phone with my mother. We think I'll probably end up in hospital very soon. I really don't want this but at the end of the day even when I've complied it's been hell and having to play hospital-prevention and go to the clinic three times a week is only filling my weeks with anxiety, fear, dread and depression. 

The quibbling over tiny weight fluctuations is tiresome, but the fact that my bloods are showing abnormalities and my stomach is hurting so much and that I haven't had a period since last Christmas is more of concern. 

Plus mentally, I'm not even able to see the issue. I don't even view myself as anorexic and don't get what the fuss is all about. I'm very tired mentally and physically. 

I don't understand how I've gotten to this state whilst being under the eating disorder services for the last four months?! I'm giving it this week for weigh-ins, more bloods and to meet with the clinical lead of the gastric ward of the hospital, but if there's still no change I think I may have to be admitted.

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## magie06

Oh my goodness. That last post doesn't sound like your normal self. Are you admitting to yourself that you need help? I say if they offer you a bed tomorrow, that it might be a good idea. Just until you get some energy back and are able to control your eating yourself. Will you be allowed your Internet while in hospital? Will you be able to contact us?

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## JustEM

Yeah, Magie.... I'm usually so positive and upbeat. 

I was just at my auntie's house and the paramedics pulled up in the street for one of the neighbours. Then my parents came to pick me up and when my mam saw the emergency response ambulance and instantly thought it was for me. She was so upset that we had to leave immediately. 

You may well be right about hospital. I'm clearly not coping alone even though I have been trying to hard. My auntie said to me perhaps my mother's reaction was a wake up call for me to see just how serious things have become. My parents are clearly incredibly worried and the services have been on about hospital for a couple of months. Plus I feel pretty ill lately despite doing nothing and taking in more nourishment.

Not sure about the internet connection. Probably will be allowed. I'll definitely keep you updated when I can. X

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## magie06

Oh no. You poor thing. Is there anything you would like me to do? I know it's difficult and I imagine that it's horrible for anyone who goes through that. I'm thinking of you a lot and I really hope that you have the strength and health to beat this.

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## Paula

I am so proud of you. Admitting that you need more help is a massive step (different reasons but Ive been there). Can you do something for me? Can you please be completely honest about how often youre ditching the shakes and replacing with water? I know thats going to be hard but, to help you fully, your parents need to know exactly whats going on. 

Youre so brave Hunni and I know youll get better  :Panda:

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## Suzi

You are amazing. You are so brave. I just want to reach in and hug you and hug you and not let you go... And I'm not your Mum! I'd be bloody proud of you if I was though. 
I'm with Paula - please be honest about binning the shakes love. 
Will you let us know how you get on tomorrow?

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## JustEM

Thank you everyone. Your kind words and support really mean a lot. 

I spoke to my mam about hospital just now. I think everyone seems to think it's the best option for me. I don't have a quality of life living this way. 

My mother hugged me and said crying 'I don't want to lose you'. If I can't do it for me, I can do it for her. She's amazing. I won't mention the water shakes as I know it will only upset her and now I'm more open to hospital and having others get me well so I think telling her would only upset her more. I could tell her if I'm in hospital though, I just don't want to further upset her. 

I will definitely let you all know how I get on tomorrow. 

Thank you all again so much xxx

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## Suzi

I promise you that you being open and honest will her will be much better than anything she's already thinking.... Tell her lovely, she's amazing and she deserves it as much as you deserve the help and support.

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## JustEM

I can't tell her now, Suzi.. But I am currently drinking a supplement and watching telly with her. The water thing won't happen again. She's coming with me tomorrow, too.

Thank you xx

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## magie06

Best of luck for today. Thinking of you.

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## Suzi

Thinking of you today gorgeous..

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## Paula

Huge hugs sending your way, lovely  :Panda:

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## JustEM

Thanks ladies!! Means a lot!! 

Despite more nutrition and no activity this weekend, I lost a kilogram today and my bloods are showing abnormalities. They said it's because the nutrition is going straight to my organs that I'm not gaining the weight. 

First thing the OT said to me was that what I've been doing 'was not good enough'. Feeling not good enough is at the very root of why I first went into my eating disorder so after hearing this, I flipped. I told her I felt let down by the service. My mother was at my side and let me rant away, bless her! 

I'm meeting with the clinical lead of the hospital ward tomorrow to discuss options. I really don't want a feeding tube so we are going to discuss if things can be done orally and at home. My mother wants me to be at home too, but if the doctor says it's best I'm in hospital then so be it. I'm prepared for it now.

Just had a bone scan and more bloods. Fun times! 

Feeling okay though. I just want my life back now

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## Suzi

Oh hunni... I'm sorry that it's not going how you need it to. Did you open up about the water substitution? The pain? 

Are you OK love?

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## Paula

:Panda:

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## magie06

This is not the way you wanted it to turn out but the ball is in your court now. You know how to get better because you've done it before. You've been here twice before and twice before you've beaten this and got healthy again. I believe in you and I know you can beat this again.  Good luck tomorrow and I'll be thinking of you.

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## JustEM

Hey Suzi!

Ah, it's okay. It is what it is! 

I didn't say about the water thing because it was a slip that won't happen again, especially as I'm probably going into hospital this week. 

I've said about the pain, though. It's okay. 

I'm doing alright, though. Was a tad cheesed off tonight but painted another pot (addicted, yes!) and watched some TV with my dad and I feel okay. 

I will let you know the result of tomorrow. Hopefully I can stay at home and avoid a tube. 

Thanks for the support again x

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## JustEM

That's true, Magie. 

Thank you for being so nice. Means a lot. 

Really don't want to go to hospital but I'll see what happens. I want out of this current situation. I will get well again. 

Take care x

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## Suzi

How are you today?

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## JustEM

Morning!

Ah, a bit meh my end. Reeeeeeeeeally don't want to go to hospital and have a feeding tube. 

But I'm accepting of it. I'm not going to kick up a stink and get sectioned, like! No point prolonging things eeeeeven further, hey? 

Hoping that another option will be possible - drinking a supplement diet at home (lived this way previously for nine months) being the preferred option. Failing that, drinking them in hospital. Otherwise, my mother works in healthcare and said I could have a feed through the stomach at home, but not sure how I'd feel about that at home rather than hospital. Worse case scenarios would be a night tube feed in hospital but home in the day, then tube at home (have done this before) then a tube in hospital.

Not like I've thought it through or anything.... Haha!

I'll know by this afternoon anyways.

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## Paula

Thinking of you, hunni. Ultimately the important thing is getting you well  :Panda:

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## magie06

The most important thing in all of this is getting you well again. No matter what happens in the afternoon don't forget that you have beaten this before, you can do it again. 
Good luck.

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## JustEM

Thank you, ladies. 

You're totally right. On the way now. Will let you know how I go. X

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## Suzi

How are things lovely? What was decided? How are you?

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## JustEM

Clinical lead explained I've gotten to the stage where my illness needs to be treated as a physical condition more so than a mental condition. I need to go to hospital for tube feeding. 

Got to wait for a call for a bed this week and will be in a minimum of two weeks.

The clinical lead was lovely, though. She insisted I bring my pots and paints! 

It's okay. I mean, it's crap but I'm accepting of it. It is what it is. 

Thanks for all your support ladies. Xxx

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## magie06

Just because you are in hospital doesn't mean that you can shut us up. Lol. We'll still be here to give you advice you don't need and waving the pom poms from the window.

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## JustEM

Well I should hope you will be around, you lovely lot!! Last thing I'd want to do is shut you up! You're all so lovely and supportive!

Thank you, Magie. I will have 4G on my phone so we can keep in touch!

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## Paula

I have to say Im relieved. I know Hospital is never something any of us want but whatever it takes to get you well. Well done for dealing with today so well  :):

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## JustEM

Thanks, Paula. 

Yeah, that's true hun. And I mean, hospital isn't thaaaat bad. Like, I'm not going to prison or anything haha!

I'll keep my chin up.

----------

Paula (10-10-17)

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## Suzi

You're so amazing. You need this extra help and support. I'm really glad you are taking your pots and paints! What's your Mum say about it?

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## JustEM

Aw thanks, Suzi! 

Yeah, I know... 

Well I'd be lost without my pots and paints! Haha! 

Aw, my mum was so upset bless her. Just hugged me and sobbed and said she loves me. She doesn't want me to go and have a tube but she's relieved and so supportive. 

I want the help now. I'm tired of it!

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## Suzi

Good. I'm pleased that you are realising that you need the help lovely.

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## magie06

How are things today? Any word on a bed? I hope that they treat you right when you get there. You deserve the first class treatment, red carpet all of that.

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## JustEM

Morning!

It's a bit surreal. I've had a lovely morning with my mother out to Church, bought her a coffee, bought some more pots... But all the while I know I'm going in for tube feeding any time soon. Double life! 

No news yet. I hope it will be tomorrow morning or Friday morning rather than today! Bit scared about the tube, but accepting of it.

Hehe red carpet, oh yes!!

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## Suzi

How was the rest of the day? I think you're amazing to accept this and go for it.

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## JustEM

Thanks Suzi. 

I don't have a choice really. It is what it is.

Actually had a lovely day! Time flew by painting away and I made some spiced apple chutney and hot beetroot and carrot chutney with my mother. 

I'm a little bit scared about hospital though - especially the tube!!

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## Suzi

Maybe your day was lovely as the decision about hospital has been made and it isn't hanging over you as a threat or something really negative? I'm not surprised you are worried about the hospital lovely. 
That chutney sounds delicious! 

Any news on when you're going in?

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## Paula

Any news, sweetie?

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## JustEM

Hi ladies!

Yeah, it doesn't feel like a threat now and I'm accepting it because if I refused they would section me and I don't need that, obviously! 

Still nervous though. Bit worried about being alone there and having the tube up the nose and such. It's okay though....

Playing the waiting game again today. No news. Packed up my paints ready but I need to keep busy so I'm going to make more chutney for my stall.

Fiery carrot chutney and then a rustic tomato chutney with chilli, fresh basil and chives. They'll be delicious by Christmas time and I'll be ready to eat them by then, too!!

Thanks for checking in on how I'm doing xx

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## Suzi

Those sound amazingly delicious! 
You are sounding more positive about it lovely - have you spoken it all over with your Mum?

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## magie06

You sound a lot more positive today. Well done I know it can't be easy. Your chutney's sound lovely. (Or for someone who likes chilli and spices they would be delicious, but I only like 'plain food'.)

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## JustEM

Chutney making went out the window! Aw the hotter the better for me, Magie!

Got a call that a bed is available. Initially said I couldn't go but after a sob and talk to my mam, I know the best option is to just go in rather than prolonging it so we're on the way. 

Wish it hadn't got to this but sooner I'm in sooner I'm out.

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## Suzi

Good luck gorgeous. I'm so proud of you for taking this opportunity to get well.. We'll be with you in spirit and thoughts love.. You are amazing. You can do this.

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## magie06

You better keep us informed or we will be all over the internet looking for you.  :Panda:

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## JustEM

Thank you so much!!  :Panda: 

Well, I'm finally here in hospital! The tube was a totally horrible experience. I initially refused out of fear because of memories of having it as a young child, but my dad was with me and despite being awfully squeemish, he was amazing! The staff are all so kind, reassuring and helpful. I'm staying in a nice ward with three quiet old ladies and a nice sea view. There are two day rooms where I can paint and visiting is all day from 12pm-8pm. 

I was very emotional with my dad just now. I think it was all the emotions of this last year hitting me at once with the fear and feeling that hospital was a threat hanging over me and the sheer relief that the tube got passed and that hospital is not a jail sentence! I looked at myself in the mirror tonight with my gaunt face, feeding tube and mobile stand pumping juice into me and couldn't believe it has come to this. 

This is end of the road anorexia, you know? And I realised that from here the only way is UP. It's still very surreal and I cant quite believe I'm here. 

I'm feeling exhausted. I think I will be asleep soon and I hope I will feel more settled, accepting and fresher in the morning.

I hope all is as well as it can be with you lovely ladies. 

Take care and thank you xxx

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## Paula

Sweetheart, I hope you know that we all think youre truly wonderful and brave and so deserving of a great life. This is just a means to an end, its just a temporary blip in your story. Youre going to get better and will go on to do absolutely incredible things with your life  :):

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## magie06

You need to get well for yourself. You take care of you and we'll talk again tomorrow.

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## JustEM

Aww thank you, Paula!  :Panda: 

Your kind words mean a lot! Bit of a realisation getting to a low point like this that I need to get well and live my life! 

The worst is over now. New day today. 

Hope you have a good day your end x

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## JustEM

Thank you, Magie. Means a lot! 

Just going to take each day as it comes. Konked out early last night and had a pretty good sleep. Up, showered, unpacked and reading my book now. The worst has passed. 

Take care and thanks for checking in on me xx

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## magie06

When I was in hospital, I sometimes had to break down the day into hours. What can I do to pass the next hour and so on. The days could look after themselves once I knew what I was going to do to get through the hour after I got up, the hour before lunch and even the hour in the afternoon that everyone seemed to disappear. 
I'll be thinking of you later and hope that today goes well for you. Take care and do lots of painting.

----------

Paula (13-10-17)

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## JustEM

Yeah, that's a good way of doing it Magie because the days are long and I know I'll be here at least two weeks. 

But it's okay, I'll get there. 

Take care x

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## Suzi

AT least 2 weeks? OK that's time to get you much better! That will be brilliant. 

You are right, up is definitely the right direction. You can do this, you can get some painting done and it's good you're in a room with just a few people lovely.

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## JustEM

Yeah, bloody ages Suzi! But there's a lady opposite me who's been here on bed rest for eight weeks! 

I'll crack on with some painting later I reckon! My mam's bringing some newspaper today so I don't make a mess haha!

Worse things to be than bored, aye?

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## Suzi

There is a distraction thread in the fun and games section here, or you could write a NaNoWriMo novel? Write your memoires part 1?

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## magie06

How was your day? Did you get loads of painting done?

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## JustEM

Thanks Suzi! You're now the third person who's said that I should now start writing about my experiences!!

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## JustEM

Morning Magie!

Yesterday was better than the day before thanks! Had a lovely visit with my mother and father. Bless them, they are so supportive! My mam brought me new slippers and cosy socks and some ice cold lemonade. Lovely! 

I was a bit teary with them because I felt like I just wanted to go home! But I was okay after a tear and a cuppa. 

I slept like a log last night, finished two awfully trashy magazines from my 86-year old patient neighbour and finished off my book this morning. My auntie phoned me for a natter and I've had lots of lovely texts and messages from my family and you lovely lot! 

Just about to finally start my painting now! I'm feeling much more settled! (could do without the horrible stench coming from a patient with urinary problems opposite though hahaha but that's hospital life, hey?) Hehe!

Have a good day all xxx

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## magie06

Are you taking anything to help you sleep? Or is it that you've relaxed a bit and sleep is coming more naturally to you? The only reason I ask is that my sleep is one of my first triggers. If I'm not sleeping properly then my mood starts to slip.

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## Suzi

> Thanks Suzi! You're now the third person who's said that I should now start writing about my experiences!!


Then maybe you should?  :):  

I'm glad you're having lots of visitors, phone calls and lovely texts. You are so lovely that you deserve to have! 
How are you feeling now lovely? Staff nice?

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## Paula

Morning, gorgeous  :):

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## JustEM

Hey Magie, 

Not taking anything to sleep, no. 

I'm the same with sleep. If I don't get enough, my mood really suffers. Over-sleeping is a sign my depression isn't in a good place and when I'm unwell I usually just sleep loads! 

Think in this case it's just mental exhaustion and relief another day has passed!

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## JustEM

Hey Suzi! 

Yeah, think it might be good to scribble down some feelings! 

Staff are lovely. I'm struggling today though... Been reading and painting and texting and had visitors but I just really, really want to go home now. A minimum of two weeks is such a long time in here. 

Sorry to moan, just feel a bit down this evening.

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## JustEM

Hey Paula!

Thanks for checking in on me, everyone!

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## Paula

I know what you mean, I was on a psych ward for a month and it felt like 6. BUT. If it means you can go home on the way to recovery, its worth every moment  :(bear):

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## Suzi

Oh sweetheart! I'm sorry you're struggling today love, but you really are in the best place. It's so important to get you well, you really are so special.

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## magie06

Have a hug to help you through the night.  :Panda:  

Some days are easier to get through than others. Keep doing what you are doing, the time will pass, you will really have to take this hour by hour. Try writing down your thoughts, it doesn't matter if it's on the back of a receipt, in a copy book or in a diary, the words will come anyway and it might help you pass a little bit of time. I started keeping a diary while I was in the psych ward and although I didn't have anything official to write in, it was just a copy book, the words came and now when I want to see how far I've come, they come out and I re-read the words that I put there. It's my story and no one else will ever see it, but it's very important to me and I'll never throw those copies out. They are kept in a special box and I know that I can put my hand on them anytime I want. 

Keep talking and writing here and in your diary, and talk to the people that are there to help you.

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## JustEM

Thanks Paula. 

You must be remarkably strong to have come through your hospital experience. I'm so pleased you're in a better place now. 

Yeah, the experience won't be forever and each day here is one day less here! Can't wait to get back home and make sure I don't end up back here again.

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## JustEM

Thanks Suzi, 

My mood is suffering a lot. I just want to pull my duvet over my head and shut the world out. Feel so flat and empty like I could just stare at the wall. I've slept loads but I'm knackered. 

Going to paint now anyways and I have more visitors later.

Haven't really got any choice in being here. If I refused, they would only have sectioned me. 

Trying to stay positive x

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## JustEM

Thanks Magie!

The hug must have helped me sleep - I was flat out last night!! Haha! 

Really thanks for that advice. Writing helps me get it out and I like the idea of it being 'just for me' because then I can just write what's inside and it doesn't even matter if it sounds like a load of crap and waffle haha!

Your advice for breaking down the hours of the day has helped me, too. Certain times for certain things. I try to look forward to my early morning shower when nobody else is awake, the evening time when I have my pyjamas on and know that another day is coming to an end, 9am when I can start painting after medication and blood tests have been done and of course the time when my visitors come! 

Am going to ask my visitors if we can go down to the coffee shop sometimes, too. Just makes things more normal and gives me some breathing space.

Sending a hug right back at you! Xxx

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## magie06

You are doing great. Yes of course there are times when it would be lovely to stay in bed and pull the duvet right up over your head, but that gets you nowhere. What you're doing, getting up, getting on with things is going to serve you better in the end. You are getting stronger every day. You have shown such strength of character since all this started. You are getting there. Don't worry. I really admire you.

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## Suzi

Hey chicky, sorry you're feeling rubbish. I'm glad you've got things to do and lots of visitors! Going to the coffee shop sounds like a good plan. Get off the ward for a bit. Does the hospital have a garden that you could go and sit in or go for a walk some time?

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## JustEM

Thank you, Magie! 

What a lovely and encouraging message!! You're right, just got to keep on going! 

I will get there and when I get out of here I need to do all I can to make sure I don't end up back here!

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## JustEM

Thanks, Suzi.

Yeah, my brother gave me his Netflix password too so I can chuck on a film sometime. 

No garden area unfortunately, but just went to the coffee shop now with some visitors and it was nice to get off the ward! My tube feeding stops between 2.30-6.30 so during this time I could pop downstairs, get a trashy magazine, get some fresh air and go to the cafe if I'm with some visitors. Breaks it up a bit. 

Just be really glad to be home and get on with my life. It's hard because my mood is low and when the visitors leave I feel even more that I want to be home with them doing normal things!

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## Paula

How are you doing physically?

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## Suzi

Oh sweetheart... I'm sorry you're finding it tough, but you know that this is for the greater good blah blah... I'm glad you're getting out into the cafe today - that's got to help a bit love. What about your other wardfellows? Have you been able to talk to them and get to know them a bit? Netflicks - awesome, start binging on box sets!

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## JustEM

Actually Suzi the day panned out really well. 
Getting out into the coffee shop helped definitely! I'll do that again tomorrow, too! 
Netflix didn't work but I have Iplayer so that's a happy substitute!

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## JustEM

Hi Paula!

Physically, my weight has been increasing gradually because I'm receiving the best nutrition for me through the feed they're giving me. My blood pressure was the best it's been so far yesterday and they are able to take my bloods easily each morning now. I'm meeting with the doctors today so hope to get some clarity on how long they want to tube feed me and what requirements need to be met for me to be discharged. My mother and auntie both said I looked brighter yesterday too. 

Only thing I'm struggling with physically is the tube. It's causing discomfort and the feeling of being full from the feed is a bit unpleasant for me but I trust the medical staff here completely and know they're doing what's needed to get me well. It will be nice to get the tube out and be able to take things orally (even if that predominately means supplement drinks) but for now the slow feeding if the tube is the safest way to re-feed me without me getting ill because I had so severely restricted.

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## Suzi

Are you talking to them? Telling them how you are feeling and that it's uncomfortable? Can they do anything to help with that? 

What's the plan for today?

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## JustEM

Saw the doctor today. She prescribed tablets for nausea. Told her my mood was low and she said just say if I ever feel I need to talk to someone. The doctor said a minimum of two weeks and couldn't promise me a set date, understandably. I really, really hope it will only be two weeks!! She also said they don't have a specific target weight or number for me so that I can leave and that they are more concerned about seeing improvement! I really liked this approach because the ED services have always been obsessed with numbers!

The nurse re-taped my tube and it feels much more comfortable!   

Having a much better day so far. Slept well, painted ANOTHER Rudolph pot, have had two visitors and now I'm going to start my new book before my mam comes to visit. When she comes, we can pop off the ward together for a bit and maybe I'll pick up a magazine.

Tonight, I'll watch a bit of telly and then that's day five DONE!

----------

magie06 (16-10-17),Paula (16-10-17)

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## Suzi

You are amazing! I'm so proud of you for talking to the Dr - who sounds fab. Really lovely, hold on to each positive. xx

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## JustEM

Thanks everyone!! 

Seeing the clinical lead doctor tomorrow who is excellent and very specialised.

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## Suzi

Good! Make sure you ask any questions you have - maybe write a list?

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## magie06

Good luck tomorrow. You'll do great I'm sure of it. You have been amazing and anything that has been thrown at you, you have come out the other side with a great big smile on your face. I can see it from here. Honestly!! Hugs for tomorrow.  :Panda:

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## JustEM

Cheers, Suzi! 

That's a good idea. She's really lovely and so positive. I much prefer the medical approach to treating this illness than the negative approach of the ED services. When I am discharged, I'm going to ask if I can work with someone other than the OT from the team - preferably the team leader who is more gentle and has much more insight. The OT honestly put the fear of God into me about going to hospital when it should have been portrayed in a positive light and a safety net - not a threat, a jail sentence or something to make me eat out of fear of being sent there. This anxiety - paired with the three times a week weighing at the clinic prior to admission - only sent my anxiety through the roof. When I was admitted, I was close to hysterical with fear and was crying after with relief. My experience of hospital has been very positive. I feel cared for and supported. The OT's negative comments ('it's not good enough'), her not bothering to make appointments and her clear lack of medical knowledge (she has admitted this) is also a concern. I've actually contemplated putting in a complaint but I'm not really that kind of person!

Sorry, bit of a random rant there!

I'll let you know what the doc says today!

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## JustEM

Thank you, Magie! The hug worked wonders again - Another good night's sleep haha!

Thanks, I do work my real hardest to stay positive and keep going no matter what comes at me. We have to right?
I will let you know how it goes with the doctor today.

Thanks again xx

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## Paula

Hope today is ok, hunni

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## Suzi

How did you get on with the Dr? How are you feeling today? I think you have every right to comment on the way that you were treated by the OT - if you don't want to label it a "complaint" then label it "service user feedback" or something  :O:

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## JustEM

Doctor was really positive and was pleased by my progress. I just get the feeling it's going to be more than two weeks and that's hard.

Excellent idea about the complaint. When I'm home, I will write a letter expressing all of this for the benefit of OTHER service users in future. 

Had a tough day today. Holding things together and being super positive is hard. Lots of difficult patients, short staffed and my emotions have been everywhere. The medical side is being addressed but the mental side has been totally forgotten. Im on a gastric ward so obviously its not the staffs role to deal with eating disorders as their focus is on getting my body well. The staff here are amazing though. Im very grateful. 

Was able to have a good cry to my parents and a rant which helped. I always feel better in the evening - it means another day is DONE!

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## Paula

Oh lovely, Im sorry its been a tough day. Ftr I think youre holding it together really well  :(bear):

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## Suzi

Oh sweetheart... Can you get to see anyone who can help more with the mental side of things? 
You are amazing. I think your parents sound pretty awesome too - no wonder you are so fantastic.

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## JustEM

Paula....  :Panda:  x

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## JustEM

My parents are truly incredible. I owe it to my family to make sure I never get in this situation again. They're a huge support and I can talk to them.

My therapist was going to visit me but her granddaughter is in hospital and life has been chaotic with her she said so I totally understand that. The ED services are planning on making a visit if they can be arsed.

I'll be okay, though. I have my family and you lovely people and the staff are all nice. I'm distracted with painting, writing and watching missed TV shows so I have a lot to be thankful for. 

Yesterday was just tough is all. But I take comfort in knowing the day - hard though it may be - will come to an end and I will be closer to coming home.

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## Suzi

You owe it to YOU to get better lovely... I'm so glad you can talk to them about everything though, that's massive.

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## magie06

Morning Em. How are things today? Anything nice planned, a little trip to the coffee shop perhaps? 
Anyway, thinking about you and the way you are fighting this. I'm full of admiration for you. Well done and keep it up.

----------



----------


## Paula

Hey sweetheart. I want you to remember that, no matter how tough this is, you ARE getting through this, you ARE getting well and you WILL be going home, in a much better place, physically and mentally. I have faith in you, everyone here has faith in you, your family has faith in you, we need you to have faith in you. Ok?

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S deleted (18-10-17)

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## JustEM

Okay, Paula!! I've got it!!  :(happy): 

I am getting better. I've gained some weight, my colour is back, my bloods show no concern, my blood pressure and heart rate has improved and is okay and I feel more energised, too. 

Thanks so much for your encouragement. I owe it to all the wonderful people rooting for me and to myself to get well.

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Paula (18-10-17),Suzi (19-10-17)

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## JustEM

Thank you ladies  :Panda: 

Much better day yesterday. Busy painting away and a lovely time with visitors. Got to get off the ward and my mood has lifted. New day today (the start of week two!) and my auntie and uncle and brother are coming to see me. Starting to paint the small flower pots for tea lights this morning, too. 

Have a lovely day all xxx

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## Suzi

Well done lovely. You are doing so well! I'm so proud of you! Have a lovely day spending time with your family. 
Well done on the increased weight, colour and blood tests. You are fabulous.

----------



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## magie06

Well done on all your results yesterday. You are doing so well. And look, you've week one done already. I'm glad that you've got a steady stream of visitors calling to you, but I'm not surprised because your warm personality and your welcoming nature make you a very approachable person. It comes through on everything you write here so don't be surprised. 

Have you cut out a design onto the flower pots for the tea lights, or have they already been cut out for you?

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Suzi (21-10-17)

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## JustEM

Hey Magie, 

I paint the design myself. Draw it out and paint it in! Did nine tea light holders today - Christmas pudding ones, Golden Bell ones a D Golden star ones! 

Had a much better day today.

The OT did drop in though and I expressed all my concerns about the ED services and how I had felt let down when she asked me how I wanted to go forward once discharged. Didn't end that well with her walking out and me half-laughing, saying 'Okay, take it easy!!' There's not a very nice side to me sometimes, although I feel I was right in everything I expressed.

Day nine tomorrow.

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## JustEM

Much better day today. Feeling more settled. Think it's because I've overcome the worst and that hospital admission is more in sight!

Productive painting day. Already sold 13 pots and 4 tea lights before I've even started the stall! Two nurses have reserved pots, one requested a design I'm doing for her tomorrow and another took six pots home the other day! So many people keep saying I should set up a business!

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## Jaquaia

That's awesome!!!

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## Paula

Im so proud of you and so glad youre feeling better about being in hospital  :):

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## JustEM

Thank you, lovely! 

I've looked into this little business venture now to discover I have enough time to apply to sell my produce at a Reindeer Parade in a little market town where they have a monthly farmers market through the year. Exciting! 

Yeah, feeling better about it. Still looking forward to getting out and getting home mind, don't get me wrong haha!

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## Suzi

Sounds like you are doing brilliantly with your pots!  Actually sounds like you're doing pretty well whilst I've been awol.. I'm so pleased to see you still fighting this and winning! Still need to see pics of your pots!

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## JustEM

Oh dear, Suzi! What's up? Hope you're okay hun!

Yes, the pots have really taken off! Who'd have thought? I will upload photos when I get home, promise! 

Nice day again today. My childhood friend found out I was ill yesterday, took the day off work, caught a five hour bus to come to see me before going home tomorrow! Wow! My family have been and ARE a huge support.

Hope all is well with you!! Xx

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## Paula

As Suzi is under orders to REST and not spend too much time on the forum, Im hoping she wont see your post to respond for a few days lol.

So, shes fine, shes had a planned op and just needs to recoup for a little while

----------



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## magie06

You sound so well. You are doing brilliantly. I hope you are into your last few days with that  tube and you'll be back home where all your family are.

----------



----------


## JustEM

Aw thanks for letting me know, Paula! 

I hope Suzi is alright and look forward to hearing from her when she's feeling better!

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Suzi (22-10-17)

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## JustEM

Thanks Magie!

You're the second person who's said that I sound so well now! Hitting rock bottom has really helped me to want to get back up. My experience of being in hospital has also showed me that the anxiety is much worse than the reality and that I really can deal with a lot of 'stuff'. When I get home and feel like I can't cope with work or whatever, I can look at this experience and see that - even though tough at the start - I not just came through it, but came through it with positivity! 

Oh God yes, I will be pleased to see the back end of this bloody tube! Haha!

The OT is coming again tomorrow to discuss the plan for how I can move forward in the community once discharged and then I'm meeting the clinical lead on Tuesday so by then I should know if I will be out once the two weeks are up. I hope so!

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## magie06

Hi. How is today going? You are probably over run with visitors. Enjoy all your company. The days go faster when people call in. 
We've had cake here because it's my husband's birthday. We just said goodbye to his sisters who called after lunch. It's so nice to have someone call even if it's only for a short while.

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## Suzi

Shh, hope that all is going well. You are doing brilliantly! I love that your friend showed you that love by doing that amazing day trip!

You really are rather awesome you know!

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## JustEM

Hey Magie!

Aw, sounds like you've had a lovely day your end! You're right, it's lovely spending time with loved ones.  :Panda: 

Another surprise visitor came today! One of the Nuns from the order I worked with in Calcutta last year! It honestly made my day because she's just so lovely! The visitors really help!

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## JustEM

Suzi!!

You are wonderfully awesome!! But I've heard you should be resting so REST!!  :O:  Only reply to this question once well-rested: How are you feeling?  :):  I hope you're well! Take care of yourself and thanks everyone for the on-going encouragement.

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Suzi (23-10-17)

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## Suzi

I am resting! I promise! I'm popping in because I want to, not because I have to  :O:  How am I feeling? A bit like I've been hit by a 10 ton truck, but I saw "lovely, gentle nurse" today rather than "I'm digging for gold nurse of the walk in centre" who I saw yesterday... 

So, if I'm doing what I need to - resting, being looked after and being repacked and redressed every day, I assume you're doing what you need to to get well? I know you hate the tube, but once you've got the essentials in place then you can get rid of it, but keep on eating?

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## magie06

Hi Em, how was today? I did very little today. I met a friend for coffee in the morning, and went shopping with Gerry  at lunch time. Since then very little. Although since dinner I've done a few rows of knitting.

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## Paula

Youve been quiet today. You ok?

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## JustEM

Aww Suzi!!  :Panda: 

Aw sorry to hear you feel like you've been hit by a ten ton truck!! Sending lots of hugs, hun!  :(bear):  

So good to hear that you're resting and doing what you need to get well. Lots of self-care, treats and nice things for Suzi now, okay??  :(happy):  You deserve it!!  :): 

That's great about the lovely gentle nurse you saw. When people genuinely care, it makes all the difference! Sorry about the other nurse, but remember that's HER problem so give it back to HER!  :Ninja:  hehe!

Hope you feel better soon!! Take care of yourself,

Em xx

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Suzi (24-10-17)

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## JustEM

Hiya Magie,

Well sometimes it's nice to have days where you don't do very much just to relax and take things easy.  :):  Although to me it sounds like you still had a pretty nice and productive day having coffee, going shopping and doing some knitting!

The Nuns who visited me on Sunday actually recently received a donation of knitting needles and wool and suggested I knit blankets for the homeless. What a great idea! Although I'm not, ahem, that great at knitting hehe!

What kind of things do you knit?  :): 

Yesterday was a mixed bag but overall good and my mood is in a good place. Didn't have any pots to paint but spent the day doing some 'adult colouring' as my visitors bought me some books and pencils. Didn't know if I would enjoy it but it's really relaxing, takes up loads of time and the end product looks great! I also now have my own room. It's huge with a massive window, my own TV, a big table for painting and loads of space for visitors. Slept like a baby thanks to not having to share with snoring patients hehe!

However, the OT was due to come. She set the appointment last Thursday for 1pm yesterday. I wrote down a list of the type of support I wanted post-discharge and was literally just waiting for her when she called FIFTEEN minutes before 1pm to say she's coming 'some time' tomorrow. To me, this just says 'I don't care about you whatsoever' and 'I can't be arsed'. She did this even after I expressed how let down I felt by the service last week. I text her my feelings and her reply was 'ok Emily, see you tomorrow'. No apology. No 'sorry you feel that way'. Nothing. 

She makes me feel like sh*t. When your self-esteem is rock bottom and you have no self-confidence and are suffering with an illness caused by feelings of not being good enough.... It honestly hurts when the people who are supposed to support you treat you with such indifference. She sees me as an eating disorder and nothing else. She sees me as a mental health statistic and a number on her chart and as long as I don't die under her 'care' and all the boxes are ticked, she can pick up her betty pay check and swan home to watch EastEnders. I actually feel hatred towards this woman and I don't hate anyone.  :@: 

Roll on the letter of complaint. People with such indifference and no empathy or genuine care shouldn't be in this line of work. Sorry for the rant!! Felt better to get that out though haha!!

Have a lovely day everyone! Big hugs Magie! Xx

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## JustEM

Hi Paula!

Thanks for checking in on me, hun.

As you can see from my rant, that probably contributed to my quietness. Also there was a query at 2.30pm yesterday that my tube had moved inside me so after an X-ray and a six hour wait it was confirmed it wasn't. Phew! If it had moved, I would have had to have had this one taken out and a new one put in straight after. Gross! 

So I was feeling bummed out by the OT's lack of giving a sh*t and was a little anxious bout the tube situation. Still, I made it through day 12! 

Hope all is well with yoooou!!  :(bear):  xx

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## magie06

Hi Em. I'm so annoyed for you having to put up with that kind of treatment. No on in my book. If you have to cancel an appointment at least do so with an apology and as much notice as possible. 

I'm knitting a shawl for my mum for Christmas. She's in a wheelchair and her shoulders get cold, so I'm knitting her something to put over them. At this stage there isn't a lot more that she needs. I've knit a lot of stuff over the years. I've been knitting since school and I don't think there's a lot that I haven't tried. Earlier this year, DWD was 10 years old and I knit Suzi a little mascot in the DWD colours along with a bunch of flowers and a bottle of bubbly. He was cute. Last year I knit a number of baby blankets for charity. They send around baby boxes to the maternity hospitals for people whose baby dies before birth or shortly afterwards. The parents can then decide whether to bury their baby wrapped in the blanket or keep it as a reminder of their little one.

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## Suzi

Oh sweetheart that's terrible! 
Glad you have your own room now, sounds much better - but also more isolating, so will you make a massive effort to still get out and talk to people? 

Glad that the colouring is helping. 
I'm really cross about that OT.

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## JustEM

Hi Magie,

Totally agree. OT update! She came by today and I told her all the help I wanted when discharged. Turns out the service can provide me with a dietician, a psychologist, a nurse and a therapist. Umm so why was I lumped with an incompetent occupational therapist for five months with no mention of these other mental health professionals being available to me?! 

She instantly started banging on about me not eating solid food. The doctors and nurses here have a totally different approach and respect that it's difficult for me to be tube fed AND eat. So they're not pressuring me to. OT also banged on about me not being able to have therapy until my BMI was 15. Why be negative? I know this and I'm in hospital being fed to gain weight. I'm talking about the future. I told her the damage in our relationship was irreparable and that I no longer wanted to work with HER. 

I couldn't help myself so asked her why she wanted to work with people with eating disorders. She said 'because I want to'. I laughed and said, 'yeah, but why?' She said she didn't have to explain herself to me and got up to leave. I laughed and asked why she was going and she said she didn't want to be with me anymore. I called after her, 'Goodbye you horrible person' and a lovely nurse later informed me that I made the OT cry. Well, good. She makes me feel like sh*t so it won't hurt her to know how she makes service users feel. 

I also wrote a letter of complaint. Felt so good to scribble it all down. I'll return to it and send it in future. 

So today has been really tough. Met with the clinical lead and it seems I'm going to be here for ages. I'd say at least another two weeks. 

Own room is nice, but is a bit isolating. I'm getting a room mate tonight in her twenties. All other patients are very elderly and mostly bedridden so not much chatting to be done, Suzi! Haha! 

Wow Magie! Your knitting sounds amazing!! So lovely that you are using your talent in such a positive and kind way to benefit others!! That's so lovely that you're knitting for your mother and what you made for Suzi sounds awesome!! Wow, what you knitted for charity sounds so beautiful too! What a great way to use your talents!

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## Paula

Oh sweetheart, I know thats not what you wanted to hear from the clinical lead but hopefully the extra time will ensure you really are on your way to wellness and means less chance of a relapse.  Big hugs, lovely

----------



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## JustEM

Thanks Paula. 

You're right. Hospital isn't bad but it's not home. Although at this time, home means relapse. 

I trust the professionals. I wouldn't be here if I didn't need to be.

----------

Paula (25-10-17)

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## Suzi

I know it sucks, but you really are doing the right thing putting your health first lovely... I'm so glad you have got things out of your head with the OT and the complaint letter.

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## JustEM

Thanks Suzi. It's for the best I'm here. I know that.

Yeah, no more stupid OT!

How you feeling? X

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## magie06

Hi Em. How was today for you? Did you get out into the fresh air or anything. I've been busy all day and tomorrow is not looking any better. I'll go to weight watchers and then to physio and I think after that I'll have time for a lie down. Still it's better than sitting at home on my own.

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## Suzi

I'm better than I was thanks love. 
Hope that you're having a good day...

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## magie06

Good morning Em. Back from WW and physio. I got on great. Home now again to sort out the shoe boxes and get them ready to go out the door. It was a dreadful morning here, raining all morning, floods everywhere. But it's stopped now and the sun is trying to come out. It's not cold though. The temp in the car was 13 degrees. Hopefully we've seen the end of the rain and we can get out for a walk shortly.

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## Paula

Hi sweetie, how are you doing?

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## Suzi

Hey chicky, you OK?

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## magie06

Hi there. How was your day?

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## JustEM

Hey Magie!

How are you doing?

Glad the physio is going well and I hope the rain stopped so you could go out for a nice walk. How's the weather doing your end now? It was glorious sunshine with us a couple of days ago and my mother and I sat outside on a bench. I lay back and let the sun beat down on me. It made my day. I hadn't been outside in almost two weeks!! Then it rained all day the next day. Classic Wales. The sun doesn't stay out too long. Hehe!

You mentioned sorting out shoeboxes and the charity Operational Christmas Child came to mind. As you mentioned you've knitted for charity at Christmas previously, I wondered if this was what you were using the shoe boxes for? 

Wishing you a happy Friday and a lovely weekend! Sending E-Hugs,

Em xxx

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## JustEM

Morning Suzi, Paula and Magie! 

Aw Suzi, glad you're feeling a little better hunny. Lots of rest, self-care and treats for you, I hope!! 

How are you all doing today? 

The ED team came yesterday - minus the OT! Sher completely out of my life now and I'm proud of myself for standing up for myself!! The team leader actually apologised to me that I had received a negative experience of treatment under their services so far and and insisted I take the complaints procedure information so that they could review their approach to benefit future service users. The people who met with me were very encouraging, kind and empathetic. They actually asked ME how I was and didn't prattle on about BMI and eating food all the time. A lot of support is in place for when I am discharged and I'm also putting in a referral to an inpatient eating disorder service JUST in case I start to relapse at home. I can't put my family through that again. It's not fair to them or to me. 

Clinical Lead is reducing my tube feed for me to make up the loss with oral supplements. I will comply all this week and as things are moving in the right direction, I should be discharged next week! I'm really happy about this. I'm also telling myself that when next week comes, they may decide I need another week, because I know how things go haha! But it won't be any longer than another two weeks. 

Lots of pots painted. Flowery ones now. I've sold another two to a health care worker and a cleaner! Trust me to go to hospital and get a job haha! Really want to start working when I'm discharged. I feel I need it to help my depression and my ED recovery. 

Lots of love to you all xxx

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magie06 (27-10-17),Suzi (27-10-17)

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## Suzi

I am so glad you don't have to deal with that OT again and that the ED team have been so helpful, and supportive! Definitely what you need, rather than telling off! 
So, the stall is a go then? Do you have enough stock yet?

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## magie06

Hi Em, today started all foggy and when I was bringing Aisling to school you could hardly see in front of you. Then I was helping out in school until 1, and when we came out the sun was shining. The sun better stay out until I get my walk in! I'm glad that you had such a successful meeting with your team. And I'm very glad that they are putting things into place for when you get home. You are doing so well and if you have to stay for another week or so, your time will fly by. Talk again later, I'm running out again to pick Aisling up.

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## magie06

Hi, how was your day? Did you get much painting done? I've suffered with my knees all afternoon and I only took a short walk to the end of the road and back today. I just couldn't go any further.

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## Paula

Morning hunni  :): . Everything seems to be going in the right direction - well done you!

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## magie06

Hi Em, how was your day? Did you have any visitors? Can you get out for a few hours now or is it all impatient treatment? All questions, I'm sorry, so rude of me. 
Here Aisling is getting pretty excited about Halloween. She was wrapping up a few goodies today so that her friends can have a game of pass the parcel when they come over on Tuesday. She hopes that they will have a lot of loot to share after their trick or treating. Going to Dublin on Wednesday then and I'm looking forward to that. A couple of days away and no dirty dishes to do until we come back. Looking forward to hearing from you.

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## Suzi

Hey chick, missed you today.... You OK?

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## magie06

Hi there. I missed you yesterday. Is everything okay?

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## JustEM

Hiya Magie!  :(happy): 

How are you doing? 

Sorry I went a bit quiet. I get like that sometimes. You know when you just feel a bit 'quiet'?

Has the weather bucked up your end? It's been nice here (out of my window haha!) but it's dark so early now the clocks have gone back!

How are your knees doing? Better I hope, hun! That's nice that you're still going out for walks though. I love scenic walks back home by the coast and the duck pond. So relaxing. 

Sounds like Aisling will have LOTS of fun for Halloween! How old is she? 

Dublin sounds great!! My brother and sister in law recently had a weekend away there and absolutely loved it! My American friends who visited me in the summer also went there for a few days. They went to a traditional Irish night with singing and dancing and Guinness and Irish stew and had an absolute blast! 

Not rude at all!  :(happy):  I did go outside with my mam one sunny afternoon which was lovely and I pop down to the canteen for a change of scenery when visitors come. My sister in law's mother pops in twice a week and her brother works in the hospital so he comes in on his lunch break every day which is thoughtful and nice of him. My brother and sister in law came yesterday and are coming again Wednesday for us to play scrabble! My brother is an over-confident English teacher scrabble champ and my sister in law is so competitive bless her that she won't play with him because she can't beat him haha!! So that should be a laugh! I also sew my parents most days. 

The date for my stall is 30th November!! I'm going to sell at my sister in laws school Christmas fete (she's head of science) for a homeless charity. Whilst being in hospital, I've already made £70 on pots!! Plus there staff members are going to buy one from me before I'm discharged and my cousin has requested Jack and Sally from the Nightmare Before Christmas so that's almost a hundred quid for the homeless before I've even started!!

Spoke with the Farmers Market and they said it's better I sell after Christmas. I'm to call them back today to discuss further. I'm so excited about this! Besides, the end of January would be a good start date to give me time to get the food licence and prepare for my stock. 

I've been thinking of doing 'The Flower Pot Shop' selling large painted pots for herbs, flowers and containers for gifts and treats, small painted pots for tea lights and then flower-pot breads and muffins (savoury breads and sweet muffins baked in a small flower pot tied with a ribbon to serve). They already have a chutney stall there but if I could make chutney I could call the stall 'Pots and Preserves'. I thought the breads and muffins would be good because they're cheap, so versatile and everyone likes bread and cake! Haha! 

What do you think? 

Have a lovely week!! 

Em xxx

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## JustEM

Hiya Suzi!!

How are you feeling, hun? Much stronger I hope! Hope you had a nice weekend.

Sorry I went a bit quiet. I'm back now haha! As you can see from my post to Magie, things are going well and in the right direction. 

I've also applied for some NON-FOOD RELATED jobs whilst being in. There's a position I'm really interested in working in admin for an established charity for women that works to end domestic violence and abuse. They have confirmed that they are currently reviewing my application. It would be an excellent first step into the charity sector and would be something completely different to channel my mind into something else - something meaningful too, rather than preparing rubbish food I'm too scared to even eat  whilst surrounded by rude, foul-mouthed, microwave-expert, Gordon-Ramsay wannabes for 12 hours a day in a greasy and grubby kitchen! It's a 20-minute bus ride into the centre of town and can be part time leading to full time so I don't go from hospital patient with tube to 40-hour week administration lady! Haha! Closing date is tomorrow so fingers crossed! 

Been a bit worried about going home. Got lots of good things in place and support but anorexia doesn't give two figs about that and it's hard not to relapse. Recovery needs to come from me this time. It feels safe in the hospital. Time will tell how I cope!

Have a lovely day!! Xx

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## Suzi

I am so proud of you! You're so determined and doing everything you can to get well. 

Loving "Pots and Preserves" love! That's so cool - you could start selling on etsy and facebook too! 
The job sounds great and I'm relieved it's not working with food as I can't see how that could ever help when you are surrounded by food and stroppy arses all day - I've done waitressing and catering too (although not at chef level lol) and they are really cliquey places to work and actually I think you deserve much better. 

I love that you've so many visitors. I think that your sister in law's mother's brother (that was a mouthful lol) coming in to spend his lunch breaks with you is so lovely. You're obviously as lovely in person as you come across online! 

I'm doing better thanks lovely. Building up slowly and I had my first shower since my op last night thanks to the lovely nurse at the walk in centre who did my dressing yesterday. I'm currently being held together with packing, big plaster and smothered in what can only be described as medical sticky back plastic! It's not a great look tbh, but hey that shower was amazing! 

I'm amazed by how much you've raised already! Are you remembering to take out your costs too or you won't be able to carry on! Every time you talk about your pots you become so excited and it's lovely! 

So, are you any good at scrabble? Marc (my husband) is a real pita. He's dyslexic, but he beats pretty much anyone I've ever seen him play! It comes down to the way he looks at letters! Words with Friends he beat a friend of ours who was playing backed up with the whole of his office of met detectives! Good luck for your match!

Hope it's a lovely day where you are today - it's flipping freezing here today - a real shock after the fairly warm weekend! 

Have a good day gorgeous.

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## magie06

Morning Em, lovely to hear from you. You have kept yourself so busy while you have been in, I'm so amazed! It's the right thing to do though. Less time to worry and think about things. The weather over the weekend here was very mild and cloudy. We had rain in the mornings but it had cleared up to us having very pleasant afternoons so that I could go out for my walk. 
Knees are almost back to normal now. Still just a little swollen and stiff but not as bad as Friday. I'm not sure how much money we raised for our charity, they will let us know later when all the money is in. 
When we go to Dublin we stay on the outskirts of the city. We stay in a family run hotel and we aren't far from the shopping centre there. It's just a short drive to the cinema and all that the shopping centre has to offer. 
We have a bank holiday here today. It's great to have an extra day to get used to the change in time. It was so dark yesterday by 5.30, you forget don't you. 
You have so many ideas for your stall. It will go a treat and you'll make loads of money for your charity.

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## JustEM

Morning Suzi!  :(happy): 

So glad to hear you're feeling a bit better, hun. You're so positive! So pleased you have a lovely nurse and I bet that shower felt amazing! Just think of how many nice showers and relaxing baths you can have when the plasters are off. Besides, the plastered-look is in season I've heard.  :O:  Hehe! 

Yeah, really excited for the stall now! I can only sell crafts at the market though but that's probably better. The less my focus is on food, the better! So I've had an idea to paint pebbles and garden signs too seen as I can get free access to pebbles from the beach and to rustic unwanted wood. Why not? I will still do all the foodie ideas for my sister in law - Rhian's - fete though!

Rhian's brother Lee (so much easier than the mouthful haha!) brought my a huge framed poster yesterday with super inspirational quotes that I will put in my bedroom! He suffers with depression and copes by covering his bedroom walls with positive quotes and pictures. I thought this was a fantastic idea and wanted to cover my wall at home with happy things and reasons to get up and go on! Family photos, memories, quotes.... What a great idea and how kind of him! 

Well maybe we have a new scrabble champion in our midst then - Marc!  :(happy):  It will be a nice thing to do in the hospital - something different. 

Weather here is nice. I have a lovely sea view. I can't wait to get out in the fresh air though!! Haha!

Hope you have a lovely day today! I'm meeting with the clinical lead so will know about discharge. In the meantime, I'll paint some..... You guessed it ladies, POTS! I bought lots of purple and pink shades and PINK GLITTER! Going to do some girly love heart ones and butterfly ones now! 

Em xx

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## JustEM

Morning Magie!

How are you doing today?  :Panda: 

Well I think you always have to make the most out of every situation! Better to come to hospital and paint 5000 pots and raise money for charity and to buy my mam coffee in the costa downstairs and sit outside in the sun with her and practically sunbathe lying on the bench both regardless of my facial tube, than to mope in a hospital bed, right?  :): 

Glad the weather bucked up for your walk. Glad your knees are doing a bit better too and that's great that you've raised the money for charity!

Dublin sounds fantastic! Enjoy yourselves there! 

Yes, I love these pots. This stall and the creativity is really keeping me going. It's something positive to fuel my energy into!

Wishing you a lovely day xx

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## JustEM

Ooo! I almost forgot! The job got back to me and said they liked my CV and felt I was a suitable match so I'm just waiting on an interview date! I have a feeling the charity is Womens' Aid but if not it's a very similar one to that. Fingers crossed!!

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## Suzi

Great news about the job lovely! I'm so thrilled for you - do they know you're currently in hospital? Could you do a phone or skype interview if you were still in hospital? 

You're always so happy sounding, but I think that there must be some sadness too.... How are you really feeling in yourself?

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## JustEM

Hey Suzi!

They don't, but I will disclose my illness to them at interview.  :(y): 

Tube is OUT!!!!!  :(party):  I'm being discharged tomorrow!

Hm, you are very perceptive there. I'm terrified if I'm honest. I don't feel ready sometimes. My family and I are all anxious I'll relapse. I don't want to but it's an illness. I honestly can't help it. I'm putting in a referral to an inpatient place. I don't want to go there obviously but I just don't know if the CMHT can provide me with the intensity of support and supervision I need. 

I feel alone in my illness. I know im not alone but the silent battle between what I want and what the anorexia wants with regards to weight, food, exercise and lies is an isolating battle. I am sad for that.

Other than that, I'm grand! Painted two pretty pots today.

How you feeling?

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## Paula

I am so chuffed the tube is out! Hunni, I get it about being alone in this. I have a rare, debilitating nerve condition that hurts really badly most of the time. Most people dont get it so theres not much point in me talking about it and, if I do, I normally get keep positive and Im sure itll get better.  Its lonely fighting against peoples perceptions all the time.

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## Suzi

I get it too.... I have a list of medical issues and there are so many times that I've just wanted to scream at someone who tells me that "they understand" or that they "know exactly how I feel" that actually they don't have a f*ing clue and actually I've been fighting my own internal dialogue and fighting against "it's growing pains" or "keep moving and it'll help" or "try this herbal remedy....." 
You aren't alone, we all have our own understandings and whilst none of us know exactly how you feel, we can all appreciate certain elements of it. All I'll ask is that you promise to try to keep talking - to us, to your parents - to anyone who will listen and keep on doing it. 

I'm so thrilled that the tube is out and you're heading home!

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## JustEM

Hey Paula and Suzi!

Even though our difficulties and illnesses might be different, we can still relate to each other and have that empathy and understanding because we experience the same sense of loneliness and isolation in our illnesses. So we are absolutely not alone! 

I am talking openly and honestly. It's likely I will self-refer to an inpatient place for a short while. Depends on how things go at home and hopefully I will be able to cope and go forward! It's a safety net and shows I DO want to get well.

Having the tube out was gross!!! I could taste the contents of my stomach, vomit and the icky feed I was given - bleurgh! Got to make sure I never have a tube again now!

Have a lovely day both. I will let you know when I'm home!

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## Suzi

It does sound horrible! Do you have a plan as to shakes/food etc when you get home? 

Happy homecoming day!

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## Paula

Woohoo!!!!! Home day! 

Dont push yourself today, emotions are going to run high, but enjoy knowing what youve achieved getting to this point  :):

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## magie06

Have a brilliant day. I didn't reply last night because I was busy answering the door to trick or treaters. We took all the decoration down at 9 because we are on the road to Dublin. I'm looking forward to my few days away, we didn't go anywhere during the summer so this is like our summer holidays. Anyway enjoy your day and like Paula says don't expect too much from the day. Take it easy and get some rest when you get home.

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## Suzi

Hope you're doing OK lovely... x

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## magie06

Hi. I hope your home comming lived up to expectations. We've enjoyed our first day in Dublin. We went shopping and had a swim. Going for a drink a little bit later. But enjoying the down time and having very little to do. Aisling has complained of being bored but she'll get over it.

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## magie06

How is home?

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## JustEM

Hi all!  :(hi): 

Thanks for the homecoming well wishes!  :Panda: 

Hey Magie! 

How are you? How was Halloween and are you enjoying Dublin? Hope Aisling has gotten over being bored now hehe! 

Being home is a bit emotional. The only way I can explain it is to be honest. I don't want to be here. 
I was in turmoil before admission and after that I've returned to a painful environment. 

It's been hard chasing up the MH Team. Speaking to them bummed me out. I realised they haven't helped me leading up to hospital. They actually only ever made things worse. They didn't help me through hospital either. They only made things worse. I don't want them anymore. 

I've been exhausted. Can't stop sleeping. I'm drinking the shakes but they make me feel worse. I've been crying a lot. A part of me wishes I was in hospital because I felt cared about. Now I just feel like crap. I haven't even wanted to paint or go our anywhere. My auntie came to visit but I couldn't wait for her to leave if I'm honest! 

I know I need to move forward. I got myself an interview for a full time job tomorrow but everyone says that's too much too soon. I'm not thinking straight. 

I know this sounds hope horrific, but I wished anorexia has finished me off. I know this is shameful to say, but for so long I didn't want to live and I wish that I could just sleep and disappear. I don't want to hurt my loved ones. I'm just tired and honestly feel satisfied and ready to go. 

Sorry for the morbid post everyone!

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## JustEM

Hey Suzi,

Are you feeling better?  :):  hope all is well with you xx

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## magie06

Of course going home is going to take it out of you. You've had a traumatic hospital stay and your body has to recover from that. Sleep, sleep and then sleep some more. Don't worry about anyone calling or visiting you, go to bed and stay there. Everyone will understand and no one will think any less of you.

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## Paula

Oh sweetheart .... Im not surprised youre struggling tbh and not for the obvious reasons. Youre trying to run before you can walk. Youve just come out of hospital from a very acute, life threatening illness. If it was anything else you were in hospital for, for such a serious illness, youd expect to have several weeks recovery including lots of sleep, no stresses of normal life and no thinking about work! Instead, youre hating yourself for sleeping and for still being exhausted, youve had guests, youre chasing up MH teams (always tough) and youve decided now is the right time to have interviews and get a job. Newsflash, its not! Now is the right time to rest, be kind to yourself and focus on getting well. _Thats_ how you move forward right now

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## JustEM

Thanks Magie  :(bear): 

I wouldn't be sleeping if I didn't need it! New day tomorrow and I'll get out and about! 

My auntie today gave me a big hug and said if I wanted to ring her and rant every time I drink a supplement I could. She's so funny bless her!  :(giggle): 

Hope you're enjoying yourself in Dublin!! X

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## magie06

Take it easy and just rest. Dublin is great. We've been shopping and walking loads. And we even went swimming. Although I don't actually swim a lot, just kind of float around the pool and walk through the water. Aisling doesn't really like the swimming lessons that they must do through the school. It's only 6 weeks but it's a chore for her to have to do them. She also doesn't like getting water in her ears and the sensation of water going into her nose is sometimes too much for her. But it has brought on her swimming so much, she is no longer afraid of the water. She showed no fear when we went today and yesterday and even talked me into going with her today. Anyway, tomorrow is going home day, I'm still not sure if we will go straight after breakfast or if we will have another go of shopping before we hit the road. 

You take it easy and try not to worry too much. You are doing great, and you will get better again. Have a good rant with your auntie and have a laugh over it. You will cope because you are stronger than this disease.

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## JustEM

Thanks Paula  :Panda: 

I know you're right. It's very all or nothing with me but I know it's too much to be discharged from hospital after the time I've had and to work full time when my head isn't even fully switched on yet.

I want everything to be okay but I know it's a long process. It's hard to accept that. 

I don't actually want to get better this time. I feel I've had enough but I can't relapse now for the sake of my family. That's just not fair on them.

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## JustEM

So glad you're having a great time in Dublin! Sounds like you've been having a lot of fun!!

I'd definitely squash in a bit of shopping after breakfast! Enjoy your last night and have a safe journey home tomorrow. Xx

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## Suzi

Hey you! Babe, listen. Staying in hospital is hard and exhausting. Coming home is hard and exhausting. You need to give you a bit of a break. Is there anyway that your lovely Mum or Aunt could help you get the help you want/need? You can always talk to us when you're having your shakes, if it helps.

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## Suzi

Just seen your reply to Paula - sweetheart can I ask why you don't want to get better?

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## JustEM

Thanks Suzi,

I feel better today. I usually do after a bad day.

I'm holding off from full time work and waiting to hear from women's aid. I also started an application for a part time childcare assistant job in a prison and had an email from them today asking me to finish the application so they seem interested! 

Just finished two Harry Potter festive pots. Have seven pots on order already! 

Out and about today. Went to Church, for a walk and I'm going shopping later for chutney ingredients. Painting requested pots for make-up brushes this evening! No end to these pots hehe. 

You feeling better, hun? X

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## Suzi

I think holding off from full time work might be a good idea - walk before you can run maybe lovely? 
So glad that you're feeling at least a little bit brighter love. 
Loving the success of the pot venture... Pictures love, pictures! 

I'm not too bad thanks love. Working on puppy proofing the house - we have an emergency foster placement arriving in about 1 hour! He's a black german shepherd who is about 1 year old and never been in a house before... I think we might be mad, but I've always been a sucker for a sob story..

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## JustEM

Yeah, me too. Too much too soon.

I know, I need to get on the uploading! Promise I will do soon! 

Awww a little puppy! Sounds amazing! Enjoy love! 

I'm just going to make chutney for the fete. Calling it 'Rudolph's Blow Your Nose Off Chutney'. It's spicy curried carrot and coriander. Love spicy stuff, me! 

Let me know how you get on with the pup!

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Suzi (03-11-17)

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## magie06

It sounds like you are having a better day today. Well done but take things easy, you don't want to end up back where you were.

By the way we're home safe and sound. We did more shopping after breakfast and left Dublin at about 11. We were home at 1. It used to take about 3 hours to get home from Dublin but with the motorway running almost all the way to Dublin now, it's much faster.

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## Suzi

That chutney sounds delicious! 
Meet Cash... He's not ours, just a foster, but OMG he's adorable! Thought you might like some virtual puppy love!

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## Paula

Oh hes gorgeous!

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## Suzi

He really is!

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## JustEM

Aww Suzi he's lush!!! 

Also you have the same furniture that my Nan used to have!! 

Enjoy him! X

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Suzi (04-11-17)

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## JustEM

Hiya Magie!

Nice to be home? 

So glad you had a nice time in Dublin and that you got some last minute shopping in too! Glad you had a good journey home, too.

I had a much better day today thanks. Although it ended in am evening of vomiting, horrendous stomach pain and diarrhoea! My das was in the background saying 'how was she discharged from hospital?!' And I jokingly said to my mother, 'You know what would be good right now? A full time job!' Haha! Also had my health assessment about ESA and the health care worker said I should have cancelled, looked at me like I was barking mad when I said I'd got the bus over after just getting out of hospital and cut the appointment short kindly saying she had enough information. Bit of a reality check haha!

Hoping to make the chutney tomorrow morning and to get out in the fresh air! Big bonfire and fireworks and the fair ground going on tomorrow night too!

----------


## Paula

Morning, lovely!

----------


## Suzi

Morning gorgeous. 
Do you know what caused you to be vomity? 
You must have been bonkers to do your ESA appointment too - but I spose sooner it's done, sooner things can move on and all that. Well done for dealing with it. 

Don't try to do too much lovely...

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## JustEM

Hi Paula and Suzi!

How are you both? 

How's the pup, Suzi?

Reason for vomiting is a bit gross and TMI so I will spare you the info haha. Stomachs still killing today! But better than yesterday at least.

----------


## magie06

Hi Em, how are things today? I hope your poor tummy has had a chance to settle down. I'll fill you in on how today is going for me on my own thread. I feel like sometimes I'm taking over this one.

----------


## Suzi

I'm not so great today tbh. I had to go to the walk in centre to get my boob seen to and it didn't go very well, consequently I'm really sore and quite emotional so going to sign out earlier tonight.. 
However Cash is awesomely funny. I think we're all calling him Crash as it's much more appropriate!  :):  

Hope you're having a good day lovely.

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## magie06

Hi there.  How was your day? I won't bore you with details of my day, suffice to say I wasn't bored at all today. 

Aisling had friends over in the afternoon and it was quite loud when they were playing murder in the dark. They all went home at 7.30. Peace reigns again.

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## Suzi

How are you lovely?

----------


## JustEM

Hi Magie!

No of course you're not taking over the thread! Keep chatting! Good to hear you've been nice and busy.

I'm good thanks, keeping going forward. Tummy in a bad way with diarrhoea all weekend. Nice. Haha! 

Other than that, it's all good!

Have a lovely day xx

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## JustEM

Hey Suzi,

How are you feeling today? How's cash the little crasher? Hehe!

Have a lovely day x

----------


## JustEM

P.S. How do I upload photos of my pots on here? I've tried with no success!

----------


## Paula

Use an image hosting website like https://imgbb.com then copy their link to your photo and paste it here

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## Suzi

Hey hunni, good to hear from you. It's good to see you posting! 
Hope the tummy has settled a bit. 
Crash? He's a f***ing liability and in a huge amount of trouble this morning when we discovered that he'd trashed our front room and eaten a whole roll of kinso tape, the spine of my hand crafted notebook, the corner of Marc's chair.............. He was not popular!

However, he's bloody lovely and sweet and cute and adorable....

----------


## magie06

Hi there. Just home for something to eat before I head out to pick Aisling up. She finishes at 2.40 and I normally get there at about 2.20 to get parking. It's a bit of a pain to get back to normal today but it's nice to have a routine again. We won't feel it until the Christmas holidays. I'm not sure if it's 6 or 7 weeks from today. 

How are you doing today? Have you been out or how is the weather where you are. I've done my walk since this morning. I normally go after dropping Aisling to school. It wasn't raining this morning, and it's so handy to have the walk done early in the day. I was going before I picked her up but I was always rushing, afraid I'd be late. The morning really suits me better.

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## JustEM

Morning Suzi!

Crash! Hehehe.... Oh, dear! Is he behaving today? I hope so! 

How are you feeling today?

My tum is on the mend! Just my body adjusting to trying to work and all.

Had a great day yesterday though! Went to Church, made a load of red hot carrot chutney and painted a pot and picked up some thank you gifts for the hospital staff. 

Been to Church again today and I'm just off home to make 'Terry's Chocolate Orange Marmalade' and 'Jam-aican me crazy tropical fruit jam' for my stall. I'm painting three girly pots then this evening to be used as make-up/bath smellies holders for my stall. 

No news on the job interview front yet. If I don't hear by Friday, I don't think I will have gotten the women's aid one. Closing date for the other I applied for as a playworker assistant in the prison is the 11th November. Sent one for a local nursery today and one for a homeless hostel where I used to volunteer! Fingers crossed something good comes soon.

Have a lovely day Suzi xx

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## JustEM

Morning Magie!

How's it going today? Sounds like you had a lovely day yesterday! X

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## JustEM

Thanks Paula!

I will upload snaps when I have time to sit and get my head around technology hehe!

Hope all is well with you!! X

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## magie06

Hi Em, how has today been? I hope you were crazy busy with all your pots and chutneys. It's a lovely way to spend the day when you are doing what you like and what makes you happy. 

I had no internet this morning and I got loads of knitting done and I even tidied up the kitchen. It was filthy. And so messy. Most of the mess belongs to Aisling, bits and pieces of paper, some homework, pencils and pens and colouring books. It was really messy. I spent about an hour and a half cleaning it up but the satisfaction of having it done and finished is just wonderful. We've spent a lot of time in the last 3 weeks cleaning and tiding and the kitchen was certainly lacking until today. 

We got our internet back when Gerry came home from work. The broadband box needed to be rebooted and the password changed but it's all working again now. I'll be off again to do my hour of exercises in a little while. The floor in the sitting room even got a going over today so I can get down on the floor without the fear of having an asthma attack due to the dust. I got up yesterday half way through my exercises to use my inhaler. Not a good idea.

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like you're keeping yourself busy lovely! Do you find regular visits to Church helpful?

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## magie06

Hi there. How was today? I've been keeping myself busy all day. Not long in the door, and I still have exercises and the dinner to do yet. I might cheat and ask hubby to do the dinner and leave my exercises until later. I haven't seen Aisling since I came in the door, she has a friend over. (Probably Abaigh). So long as they're not doing anything illegal or making a mess up there I don't mind. I love picking her up after school when you get all the news from her day. I miss it on a Wednesday. 

A friend of mine got in contact today and her little boy is back in hospital. He had his appendix out in October, but something went wrong in the operation and there was damage done to his bowel. They sorted it out after more than a week in hospital, but he's in again since the weekend. He now has adhesions at the site of the operation and they don't know how long more he'll be in this time. The poor thing, I feel so sorry for him. And his mum and dad, they have another 3 kids, and they still have to go to school and to childminders and be kept in some sort of normality while all this is going on.

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## JustEM

Hey Magie!

Glad you had a nice productive day cleaning and that you've got some knitting done!

Have a good day today?

I am loving painting the pots and making chutneys. It gives me a lot of pleasure! 

I've had a fab day today with my little three year old niece. We have been super busy! Now I'm on my way to visit my aunty and uncle. I also had time to pop to the hospital with some thank you gifts for the staff. Sent off my application for the homeless hostel job and had an email saying they will be in touch after the closing date on the 16th.

Went to the clinic today. New person I'm working with is lovely. Not like that horrid OT hehe!

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## JustEM

Always busy me, Suzi! Hehe! Was absolutely flattened yesterday mind!

Orange marmalade (not chocolate orange - my mother's response to this was YUCK so I stuck to the classic stuff hehe) and tropical jam came out awesome! I've enough jars for one or two more preserve recipes.... Any ideas from one legendary cook to another? My labels came too for decorating the jars as well!

Yes, going to Church does help. It's a moment of peace and the people are so friendly and kind.

How are you today? Dare I ask what cash has been up to? X

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## Paula

Hows your mood?

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## JustEM

Mood is good!

Why do you ask?

----------


## Suzi

Cash is now officially CRASH... He's learning to play! It's lovely to see! Although when we popped out earlier for my nurses appointment we came home and he'd eaten a pack of emery boards - well not quite eaten all of them, but suffice to say I need to order new ones... He's also decided to floss his teeth with some wool I apparently now have finished with mid project (good job I got 2 balls!). He's also discovered he loves to chew twigs from the garden and loves to stand in the rain!
Glad things are going well lovely. Your marmalade and jam sound delicious!

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## JustEM

Hahahahaha!!! CRASH sounds wicked fun!! 

He sounds like my grandpa's old dog Dodger. My Gramp had a real sweet tooth and if would dare leave anything unattended for a second, Dodger would nab it. He even jumped up on a chair and ate a whole packet of jam doughnuts once off the table. He was a cheeky boy. I loved him! He'd chew his way through absolutely anything and everything - doors, wooden chairs, sofas.... 

I'm sure CRASH will settle though. He is only a pup love him!

Thanks, I'm really enjoying making the preserves. It's nice because even despite the ED, I'm making things I enjoy eating! Love spicy stuff and exotic fruits, me! 

Have a great day, Suzi xx

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## Suzi

Fun???? He's a pita! He's removed things off the coffee table and eaten a loo roll and the other half of my handmade notebook covered in sari material last night. We came down to check on him at 6 and it can't have happened for long as the yarn was still wet where he had picked it up and moved it off the coffee table where I'd stupidly left them..... No damage to them though, but this notebook and my fineliner are screwed... Good job he's cute and the rescue have stated we're not allowed to have him stuffed or curry him - we asked! 

Hope you've got a good day planned lovely.

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## JustEM

Hehehehe okay maybe not 'fun'. Endearing though. Butter wouldn't melt and all that.  :O: 

Sorry about the notebook though. That's not very good, love. 

Hm yeah... Crash Hot Dogs....

Just decorating my chutney and jam jars this morning and finishing off my three make up pots before my little niece comes over after nursery. 

Not feeling majorly well today. A few family members have kindly shared the winter lurgi with me I think. So thoughtful of them, hey? Still, can't complain. It is November now after all.

Have a nice day x

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## Paula

> Mood is good!
> 
> Why do you ask?


Because youve been home for about a week (?) and, from my experience, the initial euphoria wears off and day to day living takes over. Because youve always said your eating issues are stemming from depression symptoms. And because you have a habit of pushing yourself to be upbeat even when youre not really feeling that way. So I just thought Id check

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## Suzi

Lol...

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## magie06

Hi. I think there is a bug doing the rounds here too. A rotten stomach bug, and then there is a chest infection going too. My sister got the chest infection 3 weeks ago and is on her second antibiotic for that now. She was to come to Dublin with me on Saturday but she's going to stay home and try to get better.

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## JustEM

I gathered all that, haha! 

Reason I asked was because I wondered if you were getting the vibe from my posts that my mood wasn't good when it was.

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## JustEM

Hi Magie,
Oh dear. Sorry to hear about the bug. Bleurgh! 

Hope all is well with you x

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## Paula

> I gathered all that, haha! 
> 
> Reason I asked was because I wondered if you were getting the vibe from my posts that my mood wasn't good when it was.


One thing Ive learned over the years being involved with DWD is never to take someones comments at face value  :O:

----------

Suzi (09-11-17)

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## magie06

Busy until this afternoon. I've been getting my box (bosca in Irish) ready for tomorrow, for my first craft with the small children in Aisling's school. We are going to make a hedgehog with a pine cone. I couldn't find my wobbly eyes anywhere. I checked in all my boxes and all my bags everywhere in the house. I found some that would have had to be glued in, but I really wanted the self adhesive ones. I have a half pot somewhere, I had them during the week when I was getting the crafts ready for the day centre. I eventually found them right beside my chair in the sitting room. The very last place I had to look. Typical, they are always in the last place you look.

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## magie06

Hi there. I hope you don't mind it's me again. I had a lovely day going to Dublin on the train, and letting someone else take the strain as the old add used to say. I did a little bit of shopping and we got the early train home again. It was 20 minutes on the motorway home again and I dropped my sister home and got home before it got dark. Tomorrow Aisling has a practise for her show from 3 to 5. We also have grocery shopping to do and some housework to do too. Tomorrow would want to have about 48 hours in it rather than the usual 24. (Maybe that's just me). 

Hope today wasn't too hard for you and that your tummy is getting used to nourishment again. Take care.

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## Suzi

How are you doing love?

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## JustEM

Hi Magie!

Of course I don't mind! It's lovely to hear from you. 

Sounds like you're keeping nice and busy. I know the feeling of there not being enough hours in a day!

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## JustEM

Hi Suzi,

I'm okay. A bit flat. A bit meh. Having depression symptoms I haven't had for aaaages which is weird. Don't want to get up in the morning and I can't even be bothered with the pots.

I'm exhausted. I feel like I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep for a month but I never feel refreshed from it. 

Bit peed off and impatient about not hearing from any jobs yet. Closing dates are this week so I just need to be patient. 

Dealing with my thoughts alone as the MH team are about as useful as a block of ice in a hot oven. I've received no support from them since my referral in January. Since being discharged from hospital, I've been told I will have a phone call next week with a date for a meeting to discuss what support I can be offered. Lots of talking about support. Erm, no support actually given though hahaha!

Still, I can do it alone. And my family are awesome. I would tell the CMHT to do one but it seems they already have!! Pa hahaha!

Getting up and out now. This depression can do one and all.

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## Paula

In trauma calls in A&E, doctors and nurses are always conscious of distracting injuries - eg, the open leg fracture that everyone focuses on because it looks nasty that distracts attention away from the collapsed lung itms. Maybe, your eating problems has distracted you and your doctors away from depression so its only becoming obvious now your physical health is improving?

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## JustEM

Think you're right there.

Depression came first. Not eating helped me cope and made me feel 'better'. Then my physical health became the greatest concern. Complying even though it's good for me now makes me feel worse mentally because being 'thin' was to my head the only thing I had going for me. It was all about control.

Just want my mood to lift. Depression is way worse and harder than an ED for me.

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## Suzi

I thought there was something up as you've stopped posting everyday... See I do notice things!

I think you're trying to battle so many things that I'm not surprised your mood isn't great and that you're completely exhausted... I bet you haven't done much resting and pacing since you got out of hospital either.... How many boxsets have you binge watched?
When was the last time you got out of the house even just for a walk? When did you last get in contact with any of your other mates - I mean those who aren't based here  :O:  
Maybe you need to find something more healthy to control?

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## magie06

Hi there. Just calling in while I'm waiting on the dinner to say hello. I hope things are a little bit better today, and that you aren't as tired as you have been. I remember what that tiredness feels like, like everything around you is made of treacle and you are trying to wade through it. That no matter how much sleep you get your body still craves more. That everyday feels like you've just run a marathon. And of course there is all the guilt - that you can't do anything you want to do, that you can't do anything you need to do and that you can't do anything you would like to do. 

The only thing I can say is that it does pass. It takes a long time though, and it doesn't happen overnight. Up to last year I was getting up and getting Aisling to school and coming home and falling asleep until lunch time. And still not feeling refreshed. But I started slowly by staying up one day a week and increasing it by one day each couple of weeks. Like I said it took ages, but I got there. I even think sometimes I've gone too far the other way. I wake at about 3 or 3.30 in the morning and only doze until the alarm goes off. Swings and roundabouts eh? 

Have a lovely day and take care.

----------

Paula (12-11-17),Suzi (12-11-17)

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## JustEM

Thanks Suzi.

Think it is just mental exhaustion. My parents both think I've lost weight but if that's the case it honestly won't be from trying. 

I'm actually binge watching The End of the F***ing world on E4. It's oddly quite good! I next to never watch TV so it's nice to chill. I do get out every day. 

I don't have any mates around unfortunately, but I'm grateful for all you lots support obviously! 

Having a good focus in my life will enable me not to rely on the ED behaviours. I'm trying with the pots and job applications. Hoping to hear something back soon.

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## Suzi

There seems to be a massive trend atm for craft fairs etc and I think your pots sound perfect for Christmas presents for teachers etc. How much are you charging?  Are you on Facebook? Have you set up a page and joined some of the handmakers groups? I'm in a couple of really good and busy ones and I'm happy to add you if you're interested? What about etsy? Facebook selling groups? Do you have any pictures of them? 

Are you still taking the supplement shakes? What about eating? How's it going - honestly please..
I can't believe you haven't got mates around you? You are lovely, funny, intelligent, kind and all the things that are positives so I'd have thought you were seriously popular! You deserve to be!!

How are your parents?

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## JustEM

Hi Magie,

How was your day? 

Glad the sleeping has improved with you.

Hope everything is well xx

----------


## JustEM

Thank you, I will keep that in mind definitely. I'll see the response to the pots in the stall at the end of the month first. Thanks a lot!

Things were going well with the supplements. Gave myself a couple days off because I feel like crap but that's to be expected. 

Thanks. Wish I had mates. I'm able to make friends easily. I just don't know anyone and have struggled to actually meet others my age. 

Feel like I'm going around in circles. I want this to end and things to come right. I got to the bottom and went to hospital and now I'm out I'm just where I was before pre-admission. 

I know if I hear I get an interview this week that my mood will lift. I know I shouldn't let my mood depend on that but the fact is it will.

----------


## JustEM

I forgot to add! My parents, in terms of being a support, are incredible. I'm so grateful for them. 

But really, they're struggling. We all are. My dad hates his job and everything is fixated on that. He can be a real misery because of it but he won't do anything about it. I think he actually kind of likes and hates the job if that makes sense? 

My mother is going through the menopause bless her. She's emotional anyways, but it's more so more. So they pick at each other and snap and sulk a bit. It's never anything bad, but it doesn't take much for one of us to get stressed, upset or on the defensive.

----------


## JustEM

And thanks for asking Magie, my tummy is much better now!

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## Suzi

Are you worrying about your parents and what they have going on? Could that be a factor in your mood? Do you have lots of things planned for this week?

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## magie06

I'm tired this evening. And I don't feel like I did very much today. However, Strictly is on now and my feet are up!

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## JustEM

Not to sound harsh, but I'm not really worrying about them. They bicker yeah, but I know they're okay really. So I don't think that's affected my mood.

Think I over-did it last week and had a suggestion of cold symptoms. Being tired always has a bad affect on my mood. Then I saw the reality of how little help I have received and am currently 'receiving' from the MH team. There's always talk of lots of support but nothing actually comes into place. 

There was the huge build up to hospital, then I got through that with the support of my family and the hospital staff and you guys and my own strength and positivity, and now I'm discharged nobody is even monitoring my weight or anything. It's like three weeks of tube feeding and I'm fixed haha!

But I've accepted it's the way it is with the system. Recovery comes from within. I don't need the MH team, but can't help feel like I've slipped through the net a bit. So feeling a bit unwanted because of that paired with the tiredness has caused my mood to dip.

I've also convinced myself I won't get a job interview. Guess I just need a pick me up.

----------


## Paula

> I forgot to add! My parents, in terms of being a support, are incredible. I'm so grateful for them. 
> 
> But really, they're struggling. We all are. My dad hates his job and everything is fixated on that. He can be a real misery because of it but he won't do anything about it. I think he actually kind of likes and hates the job if that makes sense? 
> 
> My mother is going through the menopause bless her. She's emotional anyways, but it's more so more. So they pick at each other and snap and sulk a bit. It's never anything bad, but it doesn't take much for one of us to get stressed, upset or on the defensive.


Im dreading the menopause. Hormonal issues have always be a trigger for a MH crisis for me and I cant take HRT as the doctors reckon that would be a trigger too. Having seen my mum go through it (twice, its a long story) and how ill and unhappy it made her, every woman that goes through it deserves all the sympathy in the world imho

----------


## Suzi

Twice? Your poor Mum! 

I think that you've been completely let down by the MH team to be fair. They don't seem to have been particularly active in getting you any help and support since you've been home and that's not good enough. Being in hospital is really tough, but being home seems so much harder - especially when the initial "I'm home and I can do this...." seems to wear off. You need and deserve better support. I hope you are fighting for it and letting your Mum help too. 

If you're really tired what about a couple of rest days?

----------


## Paula

Twice, yes. She had a hysterectomy (uterus only) at 32. After a few years her ovaries decided not to bother working anymore and she went through menopause in her early 40s. But, in her late 50s, she started having symptoms again and they reckon her ovaries had decided to start working again and carried on until she got to her natural age to go through the menopause.

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## Suzi

Ouch that's horrible! 

How are you doing lovely?

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## JustEM

Ohh I'm really sorry to hear that, Paula. That sounds like it was horrible for your mum.
I see my mother getting through it by letting her emotions out, accepting that it's the menopause, taking lots of relaxing bubble baths and eating plenty of chocolate! She can't take any tablets for it either.

----------


## JustEM

Hey Suzi!

Yeah, the MH team haven't been great at all. I'm not going to fight it anymore to make people care though. I'd much rather gratefully accept the good support I have and am receiving. 

I had a really busy day with my mam yesterday which was lovely but after it, I'm just exhausted! Bed at 9pm last night, slept solid until 8.30am, was up for half hour and fell asleep til Midday. Now I can feel myself falling into a nap again! If I'm tired, I let myself rest. 

I weighed myself today and I'm only a few pounds heavier than when I was admitted and a little lighter than what I was when I was discharged. Which is weird. Bizarre as my head continues to tell me otherwise.

Mood is still flat as a pancake. Can't even be bothered to paint which so isn't me! 

No job news yet. I need to stop obsessively looking. It only reinforces the negative feelings.

How are you? How's Crash?

----------


## magie06

Hi there. I'm so sorry that your mood has gone so flat. It's horrible when that happens and sometimes you don't know what will pull you out of it. If you could just try to challenge yourself to do one pot per day it might help. 

I'm nervous about the day centre tomorrow. I know I'll be fine once I start, I think the waiting is worse. I'm all set, my box is ready by the door, and I don't think I've forgotten anything. I'll know tomorrow when I start.

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## JustEM

Hi Magie,

Yeah, it's horrible. It can feel pretty bleak. I'm making myself do the pots but keep stopping and starting with it.

What's happening at the day centre tomorrow? I'm sure you will be just fine. It's good that you're already prepared the night before. Is someone going with you?

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## magie06

No Em, I'm flying solo on this one. I know a lot of the people out there so I shouldn't be nervous, but I guess there are somethings that you can't control.

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## Suzi

Magie - I think you'll be brilliant tomorrow - you are right though, the nerves are the worst!

Em, Crash is currently in trouble as Marc caught him knee deep in our pond - in the level with the fish and where the frogs are. It appears that where Marc has just spent the last week trying to source a water leak and fixing it that we have another one and we are sure he's done it today! So.. Marc is not impressed! It's a good job he's so cute or I think he'd have been buried in the garden by now!

----------


## JustEM

Hi Magie,

Hope everything goes well today. I have every faith in you that you will be just fine. Well done for being brave and going solo. Let me know how you get on.

Oh dear, Suzi! Crash IS a very cheeky boy! Haha! Hope he's behaving better today!

----------


## Suzi

He's being a good boy today, even been for a run off the lead! But, he hasn't been left alone at all! lol  Not sure Marc's forgiven him yet..... 

How are you doing lovely? How's the painting going?

----------


## JustEM

Hehehe! Bless him!

I'm okay. Painted ten Olaf snowman tea light pots and started a new craft project for the fete - filling jam jars with twelve positive quotes for each month of the year and decorating them with glitter and ribbon. Pot of positivity! Jar of joy! Something different.

Plan to make at least twenty of these. Tomorrow im painting ten little Christmas pudding tea light pots and then I'll have 30 big pots and 25 little ones ready to sell!

Had a lovely day with my mam and little niece today which was nice.

My mam checked my blood pressure which was super low so the feeling tired, dizzy and headache could have contributed to the low mood and lack of concentration on the painting recently.

Mood is still flat as a pancake. I keep reminding myself the depression wants me to stay in bed. So to beat it, I have to get up, ready and OUT! It's easier said than done but I always feel better for doing it! 

MH team called today. Support they can offer me is a dietician who I'm meeting next week and then structured CBT for depression and then for anorexia. I've been promised therapy for ages and can't see that starting until next year. I haven't seen my private therapist since before hospital and the MH team don't want me to see her as well as their therapist so I'll hold off until I know what's happening. So things are a bit quiet MH support wise but I'm so grateful for the support I have had and do have around me. I'm grateful to be able to work with the dietician and therapist so will accept this help. 

Think I've done pretty darn well coping on my own! Anorexia can feel very isolating but a good thing about not having people asking if I'm okay all the time is that I'm learning to stop feeling sorry for myself, to get over myself and to deal with my crap myself. Good, but tough. And probably why Im rambling away right now haha!

I hope Crash is still Man's  Best Friend! Has Marc forgiven him yet lol ?

How are you doing? Hope you've had a nice day!

----------


## Suzi

Still not sure he's been forgiven lol... 
Today has been OK. It was the first day since my op that I didn't have to have the packing and dressing changed so we took the dogs for a walk instead lol. It was great but exhausting to me! 

Sounds like you've been super busy and I love the sound of all you are making!

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## JustEM

Hehehe I'm sure he'll win you over with the puppy dog eyes!

That's so great that you're out of the plaster! How lovely that you took the dogs out. Go easy on yourself and take things slow. I know I've been over-doing since hospital and it only has a CRASH (pardon the pun) affect! Allow yourself to rest when you need to.

Ah, I always keep busy me! Thanks. I'm looking forward to the fete now!

----------


## Suzi

Unfortunately I've been up watching Crash all night, but I fell asleep somewhere between 330 and 4am, woke at 515 and he's destroyed so much. Another stapler, one of my crochet hooks, a ball of yarn, another notepad and he's found a long forgotten tube of henna hair dye and spread it all over my sofa, my chair, and so I've been scrubbing henna out of the loose covers since about 530 while Marc cleared up poo...  :(:  He is not in our good books.... We thought we'd moved everything last night. He's find if Marc sleeps on the sofa, but we can't both go out and leave him on his own at all atm...... So today we are trying to barricade our home to try to create a gate/door on the open plan side of our kitchen........ 

I'm not out of the plaster - it still needs repacking and redressing but it's now every other day, but I've got some horribly sore bits where my skin is reacting with the plaster which need separate dressings too now... 

Make sure you get pics of your stall! I bet it's going to look amazing! 
What's on the agenda for today?

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## JustEM

Ohhhhhh dear, Suzi!! That's awful!!

Remind me how you came to look after CRASH? Is it a temporary thing...? Hope you're okay. I know he's cute, but that certainly sounds very challenging!

Oo sorry to hear about the packing. Sounds uncomfortable! At least you can get it off every other day though. How much longer until it can come off altogether? 

I am taking photos! Will take one of the whole stall, too!

Not much today. Forced myself to do five positivity pots and this afternoon I will paint the tea lights. My mood is just so damn low. I feel really alone if I'm honest. Cried a bit earlier and I hardly ever cry.

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## magie06

Oh that's terrible that you are feeling so low. I bet the crying helped though. I feel that if I can cry then I feel better for a while. I'm at a loose end now. I have to collect Aisling at 2.40, if I start a jigsaw I won't have got very far with it in an hour. I could start making my Christmas cards but again I won't have got very far. Maybe I'll just have a look online, I always find the time goes so fast when I go online. Maybe get a few presents or something.

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## Suzi

We foster for a charity, rather than going to kennels we have taken him to also do a lot of the assessment work. He's our 11th and one of the most difficult - but it's only when he's left alone and although I am furious, I can sort of understand it too..... He's amazing for the rest of the time lol.... 

Hey babe, you aren't alone. We're here- I know it's not the same, but we are... Have you spoken to anyone about how low your mood is? Do you have access to a crisis line if you need it? Have you told your Mum how bad you are feeling and how hard you are trying to fight to get help?

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## Paula

:Panda:

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## JustEM

Hi Magie,

Oo you sound so creative! What did you decide to do afterwards?

Yeah, the crying did help. Need to get it out!

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## JustEM

Thanks everyone for being so nice.

Hey Suzi,

Thanks! 

Aww that's lovely that you foster for a charity!! How rewarding! 

Yes, my mum is aware of my situation. I'm thinking of increasing my meds at the end of this month and perhaps of seeing my therapist again. She was a real positive help. The low mood could be to do with feeling unwell. My head is pounding and im dizzy and tired.

Still, I made five positivity pots and ten Christmas pudding tea lights for the stall despite the low mood!

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## magie06

I started the jigsaw puzzle. It a 1,000 piece one, of a Christmas scene, and I think it's years since I've done a puzzle this size. Oldmike here does jigsaw puzzles with 2,000 pieces in them. He's better at them than I am.

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## Suzi

Will you get an appointment with your GP and talk to them about how bad you are feeling? Are you coming down with something? Are you drinking enough?

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## JustEM

Wow Magie! You must have a lot of patience! Sounds good!

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## JustEM

I have an appointment booked at the end of this month Suzi. I will tell them then and up the meds. 

My blood pressure was really low yesterday and again today. I'm drinking plenty of water and sleeping enough, but not feeling great physically.

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## Paula

Id feel a lot happier if you could see your doctor sooner - the end of the month is a long time when youre feeling this low.

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## JustEM

Cheers Paula.

I know, but the appointment's set and I'm managing despite feeling rubbish. 

I know what I'm missing. Firstly, it's friendship. Company. Just talking about other stuff. Boring stuff. Just having fun. I'm really trying with getting work but otherwise I don't know anyone. 

The other thing is needing somewhere to off load. It's hard. I don't have any MH support around me and can't just dump my stuff on my family. It's not fair on them.

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## Suzi

You can "dump" everything here if you want - it's not the same, but we're here... 

We have a fun and games section, we're not just here for depression don't ya know  :O:  
I agree with Paula, it does seem a long way off when you're this low and you've got other things too. Are you still taking the shakes? What about actual food? When are you seeing someone from the ED Team next?

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## JustEM

Thank you, that's really nice.

Seeing a dietician next week for an initial appointment then a ten minute appointment at the clinic the week after that just to make sure I'm still alive and to tick a box and such.  :O:  I've seen them once since hospital for a ten minute appointment that they were late for.  :(giggle):  It's okay. 

I take the shakes when I'm with family and on good days I take them totally unsupervised, but when I'm low the greedy sink gets them. That's me being honest with you. I do eat breakfast which I enjoy. Things like fresh fruit salad, a yoghurt full of grains and seeds, vitamin packed veggie smoothies and frostie bars. The rest of the day is shakes.

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## Suzi

IT's not OK. You really do deserve much more support.. 
So, this past week how many days have you missed?  What about building in other things to eat? What things do you like to eat? Salads? Curries? Doughnuts? 

How are you doing today gorgeous?

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## JustEM

I know Suzi, but it's not going to come from the MH Team unfortunately. Still, I'm being positive. I am seeing a dietician next week and will be having therapy somewhere in the future! And I'm blessed to have my family, I really am.

Hm. Few days here and there. It's not great, I know. But considering, I am doing really well. I will be working towards the diet with the dietician. Problem is all the foods I like are bloody low calorie haha! I love beetroot, all types of fruit, raw vegetables, but I also like smoothies and used to love sushi too. I love spicy food and like mixed beans, chickpeas and (bit random) but baked beans too. So the sushi and mixed beans are something we could work with. Avocado is good too because it's healthy but surprisingly high calorie. 

I'm alright thanks. I've had a productive day. Went out all morning and now I'm doing my last ten positivity pots. My head hurts a little but it's not so bad today. Moods still a bit flat but better than yesterday.

How are you? How's crash?

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## Suzi

Crash's bottom should come with a toxicity warning tonight... He's even doing audible farts tonight. It's minus 2 and we've got the back door and front room windows open to help us stay alive! 

I think you're doing brilliantly lovely, but make sure you get the help you need - shout and scream and let your Mum help if you need it. Your family are just as lucky to have you, I promise! 

I've never found any veggie sushi I like..... It's normally vile! So some suggestions would be cool. I'm a dairy allergic vegetarian, so tend to follow a mostly vegan diet  so beans and rice and chickpeas a plenty! I love beetroot too - maybe you just need to make it into cake!

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## magie06

Hi Em, I'm a little bit late this evening because I finished the puzzle that I started yesterday. I'm so sorry that the shakes aren't going down well. It's very difficult for you and I'm sure your family are quite worried too. Well done on doing more pots today, and for getting out. The fresh air always helps me. I try to go for a walk every morning after dropping Aisling to school. I walk around our local park which was a gift to the people of Tuam from the church and it's known as the Palace grounds. (The palace being where our Bishop lives). It's a fabulous amenity, with a playground for the small ones, a swimming pool and a gym. Altogether there is about 5 acres in it and if I was able to walk the whole perimeter I would be well away. I only do a small piece of it when I do it but I'm aiming to add a little piece more to my walk after Christmas.

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## JustEM

Oh dear, Suzi! Pooooo-weeee! Hehehe! Perhaps CRASH has discovered your secret stash of vegan beans and pulses and demolished them?  :(giggle):   :O: 

I think work will really help. I'll have structure, purpose, meaning, social connection and distraction and I may enjoy it too! The pots have been a fab outlet but there's only so much painting a girl can do every day haha! 

The dietician will help and the structured therapy. Shame I have to wait for a job and the support but I will just have to be patient. It will be worth the wait I am sure.

I've had sushi with red peppers in it before which was lovely!

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## JustEM

Hi Magie!

How's it going today?

Well done on finishing the puzzle! What puzzle was it? 

The walking sounds lovely. I love being out in nature!

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## magie06

Hi Em. A little late this evening. I've been getting stuff ready for my craft class next Friday. We are doing a paper craft of night and day and the children have to glue some pom poms onto the blue side for the day side and some stars onto the black side for night. I've been cutting out the sun and the moon for them and I've left cutting out the blue for the planet until tomorrow. 
Other than that I've got some of my Christmas shopping done today and basically been in a bit of a Christmas mood all day.

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## JustEM

Hi Magie!

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## JustEM

Sounds like you've had a lovely day. You sound so creative!
Nice to hear you're in a good Christmas mood, too. That's lovely! 

I've been doing some crafts myself today, as always! But unfortunately, I'm not getting any pleasure out of it. Went for coffee today with my parents which was nice and I spent some time with my mother as she got some Christmas shopping done. 

Bit of a quiet rainy old afternoon after that. I've been really teary tonight. I just feel really alone. My friend sent me a message today which was lovely. He lives in South Korea and has done for over a year now. We went to India together but things went sour when he had feelings for me but I didn't feel the seem. We made up since and became close friends again. I didn't want him to leave last year. I was just on the brink of falling into depression and when he left, I lost my only friend around here. He was a real good friend, too. Hearing from him made me miss him a lot. I miss just having a laugh with him. I miss the time in India and Bosnia when I was living there. I had loads of friends. 

My family are wonderful and I'm able to make friends, I just can't meet anyone. So I'm in the house not getting any jobs and drinking high calorie disgusting supplement drinks with no support from the MH team feeling rubbish. 

Hopefully I'll get a job soon and meet some nice people there. 

I just feel like I exist at the moment. With no purpose.

My friend is coming back next year with his Korean girlfriend! So I have him coming home as something to look forward to.

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## Paula

Are there any support groups in your area? Do you have a local MIND place?

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## Suzi

You sound really down lovely and I'm worried about you. 
It's rare for you not to enjoy crafting... Maybe you need to do something a bit different for a while? 
What about filling your time with something different? Different groups?
Why not write a list of things you enjoy and then see if you can find something linked to those things which would get you out and about and meeting new people?

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## JustEM

The nearest MIND is twenty minutes on a bus then fifty minutes on another bus and then a twenty minute walk from the bus station for the support groups. Good idea but it's unfortunately a bit of a trek for me. I tried a group locally but it really wasn't right. I also tried a drop in place but it wasn't appropriate either. The service users were in a very different place to me with different support needs. 

I am pretty down Suzi, yeah. I've looked before at all sorts of groups. There's nothing around, honestly. I used to volunteer with the homeless but met only retired people a lot older than me. They were incredibly lovely people though like the people at my Church but they are all in their 80s too! Lovely, but not the same you know? 

I never met friends through work because being in kitchens I was always the only woman with loads of older men! But now I'm applying for different jobs, I'll be able to meet a different variety of people and hopefully like minded people of a similar age.

I think you're right about the crafting. I've just done so much of it that now it's feeling like a bit of a chore. I'm finishing the positivity pots because I've half done them but I definitely need something different.

The Nuns I used to volunteer with suggested I knit blankets for the homeless. That might be a nice idea. 

I wanted to join the gym and go to exercise classes to meet people but physically I'm not in a good place to do that yet. I also like writing and walking.

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## Suzi

Do you write poetry? I know of a really supportive, lovely, little group on Facebook if it helps - yes it's still online meeting people, but I've met some of my closest friends online. 
PM me where abouts you are and I'll do a search if you like - I have a few friends who are in the Port Talbot and Valleys regions who may have some ideas too or we can post on the Facebook Page? 

I'm also sure that you exercising is not something which needs to happen right now.

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----------


## Paula

Morning, sweetheart

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## JustEM

Thanks Suzi!

I sent you a PM. 

Morning Paula!

How are you today?

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## Suzi

Received and acted upon  :O:

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## JustEM

Thank you! Really appreciate that!! X

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## Paula

Im good, hunni, have just some work to do today (I know, on a SUNDAY, right?)  :O:

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## Suzi

> Thank you! Really appreciate that!! X


Never a problem  :O:

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## JustEM

Feeling better today! 

Had a lovely day Sunday. My big sister came down for the day. She has autism and it can always be unpredictable but she was really calm and we all enjoyed ourselves! Then I spent the day with my brother and his two little children and my family for his wife's 30th birthday on Monday which was lovely too! 

I've been super busy preparing for the fete! It's next Tuesday! I've since completed all my 'Inspiration Jars' and now I'm filling jars with corny Christmas jokes to put on the dinner table on Christmas Day! I've made bags of 'Reindeer Food' too which is bags of oats and gold glitter for children to sprinkle outside on Christmas Eve. 

I have a job interview next Monday working with the homeless charity I'm fundraising for on the Tuesday!! Really excited about that!

I had an appointment today at the ED clinic with the dietician. Drum roll, it was actually positive! I respond much better to the medical and scientific approach. I was weighed and haven't gained anything more since I was discharged. Next week I will find out when I will receive CBT and CBTE (eating disorder CBT) I will see the dietician once every couple of weeks or so. It will be good to get some psychological support though! 

I'm complying with the nutrition without supervision. I've been taking responsibility for my own recovery and I'm proud of myself for this! 

How are you all doing?

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## Suzi

Well done lovely! I've missed you! I'm so glad that things are so positive. Your jars sound lovely! Well done for complying - that's a huge positive!

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## Paula

Im so proud of you! And you sound so upbeat (I hope you really are  :O: )

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## JustEM

Thanks ladies!

Yes, choosing to nourish myself unsupervised shows a real shift in me. I'm wanting to care for myself and move forward. I know restricting will only make me go backwards. 

I am feeling better, Paula, and I'm being really positive but whilst my mood has thankfully lifted again... I'm still up and down and experiencing a real persistent flatness in the old mood. But that's depression and I'm doing all I should be to beat it! 

So yes, I'm being positive!

Hope all is well with you both xx

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## Suzi

It's good to see you putting self care at the front of everything. That is so impressive. 

Me? Well, I've been worse, but I' didn't sleep much last night and so today I am grumpy and I hurt my big toe on my right foot last night - don't ask what I did as I have no idea apart from "walked on it" and it's swollen and so sore I can't put it on the ground! Strange but true... 

Crash is being "den" trained for night time and when we have to go out. It's having mixed success as yesterday whilst we were out he managed to push his way out lol and last night he just managed to bark lots between 1 and 230 am, but we are persevering as we can't let his destruction continue! But he's still adorable! 

Today I shall be resting and helping Marc (well "supervising") trying to sort this blinking leak from the pond - I know where the leak is, it's just really difficult to fix, but we have a starting point which has to be a good thing right? 

Hope you have a good day love.

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## JustEM

Hi Suzi!  :): 

Hope you're feeling better tonight. I really struggle mood-wise when I don't get enough sleep so I hope you got some time to rest and be kind to you today. 

Oh dear! Sorry to hear about your toe! How is it feeling now? 

Did you have much success with fixing the leak? 

I had a nice day thanks. Went to Church and got chatting with a lot of lovely people there and then I went for coffee with my parents at a new place that overlooks the harbour. I spent the rest of my day crafting! 

I caught up with a friend this evening. (she's the only one I have locally.... I've posted about her before. She's a bit flaky...) My mood feels flat after meeting with her. I guess I see how different my life is to hers and I feel declared by that. Not that I desire what she has in her life that I don't, it's more of a sense of sadness at the thought of time lost and how things have turned out. I guess we're just in different places and live in different worlds. Still, it was nice to meet up and be social with someone. I don't have any anxiety about socialising and I don't know anyone so I shouldn't complain! 

I'm home alone this weekend as my parents are going on holiday. It will be a good test for me to take control of my recovery and moving forward. Feeling a bit bummed out tonight since the time with my friend but I'm determined to push myself out tomorrow to spend time with my little niece. I'll be glad I did when I get up and go out! 

Hope you've had a nice day xx

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## JustEM

*deflated.... Not declared!! Auto correct haha!

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## Suzi

Sorry you're feeling a bit flat - I know what you mean as I have similar with my friends from school. Things could have been so different - not "better" just different. 

Toe is sore thanks, and has turned a beautiful montage of purple and blue so getting the nurse to check it over tomorrow when I go for my dressing change. 

What've you been crafting? 
On your own for a weekend? You can always come and talk here, there's normally someone around if you want some company.

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## JustEM

Yeah, it happens... We're just into completely different things too. Half the time I don't know what she's even on about if I'm honest. She purposely uses all these intellectual terms and abbreviations that she learnt for her specific course at university like I'm supposed to know exactly what she's on about.  :(giggle): 

Oh dear! Sorry about the toe. Let me know how it goes with the nurse today!

I've been making jars full of cheesy jokes for Christmas and Christmas trivia questions.... Something different to put on the dinner table on Christmas Day, right? I've been decorating the jars with pretty labels, gift tags and fabric material. They look pretty cool!

I got out of the flat mood. I was up at six, had a good breakie, got showered and got out on the early bus to spend the day with my little niece. More crafting when I get home then!

Have a lovely day x

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## Suzi

Have a wonderful day with your niece lovely. 

Those jars sound really cool!

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## Paula

How olds your niece?

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## magie06

Hi there. I missed popping in and seeing how you are. But I'm back now and there's no stopping me. How have you been, how are you getting on, what have you planned for the weekend? 
I was in school today and the kids had learned about day and night during the week and my craft today was a picture of day and night. There were stars and a moon on the night side and a sun and some clouds on the day side. There was a little world in the middle between the two. They loved it. And they're allowed to bring home the craft that we make on a Friday. The others they leave in school to put up on the wall. Next week we are going to make a Christmas cracker. I've got the toilet roll centres saved since during the summer and the teacher gave me the crepe paper today so that I can cut it out and be ready for next week. We have the sweets that I got on special offer after Halloween in Tesco and I got the stickers in the pound shop last week. We are all set after that. Look at me taking up your whole post again, I'll say goodbye for now and talk again tomorrow.

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Suzi (24-11-17)

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## magie06

Hi. How are you? How has the crafting been going? Did you see your niece? What age is she? I bet she's as cute as a button. Being the youngest of a family of 8, I've got 19 nieces and nephews, some of them not much younger than I am. But they've all started setting down and having their own kids, and I have 4 grand nieces and 1 grand nephew. The girls are all really cute and so bright, and then little Charlie is just beautiful. He was born on Sept 1 and has just begun to notice things around him.

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## Suzi

How are you lovely? I know you're on your own this weekend...Are you doing OK?

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## Paula

Morning Em  :):

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## magie06

Good evening Em. How are you doing? I know you've said before that sometimes you just stay quite for a little while. I just hope that you are okay and that things weren't too overwhelming for the weekend. You were on your own weren't you? You take care and we'll talk to you tomorrow.

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## Suzi

Hey you! How'd the weekend go?

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## JustEM

Hello!!! 

Sorry I've been so quiet all! It's been a good quiet!! I've just been so crazy busy this weekend that by the time I'm winding down I'm too tired to post anything coherent haha!

Had a good weekend and coped really well alone. Took all my food and supplements! Did a lot of last minute preparations for tomorrow's fete. I even used my supplement drink lids as moulds to make seventy hot chocolate stirrers of all different flavours! So resourceful haha! Finished crafting jars of Christmas trivia, Christmas recipes and Christmas 20 questions too. Busy!! 

Just came back from a job interview at a homeless hostel in the city centre. It went really well and I will know later if I got it. Really hope I get it! 

Off home now to finally finish everything for tomorrow! Popping to the Church with samples of what I've made as I can have a stall there too on the 9th December. My brother also has a lot of empty beer bottles that I'm already thinking of using to make coffee syrups and homemade ketchups and barbecue sauces! Yum! 

Went to the Farmers Market in my town. It was like a crap boot sale haha! So I'm sticking to the one in the market town instead where most of the people spend more than necessary just to show they can haha! 

How are you all?? X

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## JustEM

Hey Paula!

How are you doing?

I never answered your question.... My little niece is three and a half. She's so sweet with her own little cheeky personality and she's into absolutely everything! I'm spending the whole day with her tomorrow!

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Paula (27-11-17)

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## JustEM

Hiya Magie!

How are you?

Wow! Your crafts at the school sound amazing! You'll definitely have to give me some tips! 

That's so lovely that you have so many nieces, nephews and grandchildren. They certainly keep you busy I'm sure!

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## JustEM

Hi Suzi!

Thanks for checking in!

How are you? How's the toe? Dare I ask..... How's CRASH?

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## Suzi

Wow that sounds so positive! Well done on the supplements! That's such a huge huge huge improvement! I'm so proud of you! 
It seems that you're all set for your fete! You should make sure you get a picture of your stall before you start selling! 

I'm OK thanks, rough hospital appointment, but I'm OK. The toe is getting better and Crash is settling! He's adorable and has taken to snuggling down between my chair and the sofa with his head and foot over my leg!

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## magie06

It sounds like your weekend was very busy. Can you have a look at the first few posts here and see how far you've come. Well done on all the work you've done for your stall. If only I lived nearer, I could go and support you. But hey, like Suzi says take a picture and show us all how gorgeous your stand looks before you start selling.

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----------


## JustEM

Thanks Suzi!

It is positive. I've come really far! Food/supplements are just fuel to me now to enable me to do what I want in life. There's been a real shift with me mentally.

Sorry to hear about the hospital appointment. I'm glad your toe is getting better. Aww that is so cute about crash! I'm glad he's settling bless him and snuggling sounds lovely! 

I have a trial shift on Wednesday at the homeless hostel!!! If all goes well and I like it which I'm 99.9% sure I will, I can start full time straight away!! I'm happy. I'm really excited about this, too. It's a fantastic opportunity!

I will most certainly take some photos tomorrow. When I get time, I will upload them to show you all as well! Excited for the fete tomorrow!

Take care Suzi and have a lovely week. Thanks for your support xx

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## Paula

Congrats hunni!

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## Suzi

Well done hunni! That's amazing! Am thinking of you today. Hope it goes really, really well!

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## magie06

I hope you are having a great time at the fete. I'm looking forward to hearing how you got on. Don't forget the photos.

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## Suzi

How did it go???

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## JustEM

Good morning all!! 

Sorry I'm only now replying... Yesterday was a busy one!!

Really glad I went to the fete. My mam helped me and my dad brought my little niece to see me there too! Selling-wise, it was pretty quiet but all the other stalls didn't make a killing either so that's okay! I'm doing the Church fete next week and have a month before Christmas to sell in different schools and Churches. Otherwise, I hope my family are ready to open some pots and chutneys on Christmas morning hehehe!! I've had a great time making everything! 

Just on my way to my trial shift! Nervous but really excited, too! I will let you know how it goes!!

I just came from the appointment with the GP. Wow. What an incredibly lovely doc she was!! She genuinely cares. I've increased my AD meds for the extra lift and she was pleased about me getting a job and complying with supplements. I haven't gained any weight since hospital. Im half a kilo less than my discharge weight but she wasn't overly concerned. My body is probably just playing catch up! I have the old osteoporosis again though but it can be improved with calcium and vitamin D tablets. The doc said she had every faith in me and was impressed at how I was improving despite the almost non existent MH team haha!

Still no news on the CBT from the CMHT. They're chasing it up again. I have enough to be focusing on now anyways, so I will decide what to do with regards to that or seeing my private therapist again. I might just see her seen as she was fantastic and I will have enough money because of this job. Seeing the dietician next week and plan to drop a supplement for some actual food again. 

Sorry, story of my life like hahaha! It helps to scribble all of this down, though! 

What are you all up to today?

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## Suzi

I'm so pleased for you and proud of you! You really are doing everything you can to help yourself. 
Glad that the Dr seems nice and helpful. She's right,  you are doing well. 

Hope your shift goes well lovely.

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## Paula

Have fun today  :):

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## JustEM

Thanks ladies!!

Shift went SO WELL! I absolutely loved it! It flew by! They said I did really well, that they could see I enjoyed it and that I fitted in straight away. There's another person trialling on Friday (three in total) and so I will know Friday afternoon. I also really clicked with the staff. Fingers crossed!!! 

Just on my way home!

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Paula (29-11-17)

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## Suzi

Well done lovely!!

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## magie06

Sounds like yesterday went very well for you. Well done. So proud of you. You've come so far and you are doing so well. A different person to the person who started here not so long ago. 

This morning has been a bit busy for me. I was already tired from last night, but I had weight watchers and physio. I was supposed to be in the day centre at 11 too, but I had a phone call to cancel that over the weekend. I was a bit glad to be honest, because I was very nearly worn out last week. But I had 12 people instead of 6, and I did find it difficult to keep up with them all. I'm back to them next Thursday, and we are doing sun catchers and baubles for the Christmas tree. They said I should only have 6 next Thursday.

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## magie06

Hi there. I was hoping to get my knitting finished this evening, but I'm afraid the my arm is still sore from during the week. I hope to get my Christmas letters written over the weekend.

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## Suzi

Hey you! How you doing?

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## magie06

How are you?

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## Paula

Morning, hunni  :):

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## Suzi

Morning! How's "stuff?"

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## magie06

Hi there. How was your weekend?

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## Suzi

Hey you! You're very quiet... Are you OK?

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## Paula

Ditto  :O:

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## JustEM

Hi everyone!

Please forgive me for being so quiet! Thank you for continuing to check in on me and thank you all for caring.

How are you all?

I can't remember if I told you about my latest fete? It was last minute but went amazing! My mam was like a proper market trader, bless her! A bit like Del Boy she was hehehe! The school (which we have no connection with) gave us a donation for the homeless charity I'm now working for.

Yes..... I got the job!! Was so chuffed. Today was my first day. I loved it and they said I was a little star! I'm knackered now haha and back in tomorrow 8am!

I have another fete at my Church this Saturday, too. And I may be doing one at my brother's school a week Thursday. It would be a cake stall as I would have sold everything else by then!

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## Paula

Well done! Thats fantastic!

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## Suzi

That's so amazing! You're doing so incredibly well! How's the eating stuff going? 

Congratulations on the job lovely! I'm so thrilled for you! And the awesomeness of your stalls! Go you!!!!

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## magie06

It's wonderful that you got the job. Well done! And congratulations on the fete. It sounds so positive.

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## magie06

Hi there stranger. Welcome back. I hope everything is going well for you at your new job. Thinking of you.  :Panda:

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## Paula

Hi sweetie, how are you?

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## Suzi

How's the job going? And the stalls?

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## magie06

How are you? Not seen you around for a little while. I hope everything is okay.

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## Foxtail87

^ I am sorry. I posted this in the wrong thread. I am idiot.

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## Paula

> ^ I am sorry. I posted this in the wrong thread. I am idiot.


No probs hunni, Ill delete it

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## Suzi

Em, I hope you're doing OK lovely...

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## JustEM

Aye, I'm alright I guess.

Just battling through the turmoil of flying high and everything going hunky dory before nose diving and everything falling apart. 

Hope everyone is doing alright. Thanks for checking in on me.

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## Paula

Whats up sweetie?

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## magie06

Hi there. What's happened?

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## Suzi

Hey you.... Spill... What's happened? Talk to us...

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## magie06

Can I wish you a very happy Christmas and a healthy and happy new year.

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## Suzi

Hope you have a wonderful Christmas lovely lady x

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## Paula

Missing you, sweetie

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## Suzi

In my thoughts lovely x

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## magie06

I hope you had a nice Christmas.

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## Suzi

Hey love. Am missing you. Hope all is OK...

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## Paula

Hi, sweetie, hope youre ok

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## JustEM

Hi everyone!  :Panda: 

I'm so, so sorry that I haven't been in touch...

Thank you all so much for still checking in on me whilst I haven't been online. 

How are you all? How was Christmas?

Happy Christmas to you all and a Happy New Year! I hope 2018 will be a good year for everyone.

I am alright thanks. 

My depression is absolutely unbearable, though. I've tried three sets of meds. Clomipramine last year made me froth at the mouth and vomit and konk out asleep all the time and gave me palpitations and hand tremors! Horrid! Mirtazapine made me super happy then I had a huge crash and then I had panic attacks and suicidal thoughts. Yikes! Finally tried sertraline 50mg and increased to 100mg. Felt it actually helped and have stuck with it for over four months. Through November I was feeling it was wearing off so increased to 150mg throughout December but the depression persisted as bad as ever. I've been on 100mg this last week and it feels better but I'm still heavily weighed down by this horrible all-consuming black cloud of doom. Nothing shakes it. 

Don't know whether it's worth trying ANOTHER anti depressant, something as well as the sertraline or to go with the natural pills. Feel like I need a brain transplant to take the depressed chunk out and replace it will a happy chunk.  :(giggle): 

Confession! The homeless job was as a kitchen supervisor. The anorexia still has such a grip over me that I don't even realise what I'm doing half the time!! There wasn't another position advertised and I've had no luck in getting non-catering jobs in the past. I thought it would be okay but the 50+ hour weeks in a physical job feeding others all day but starving myself proved too difficult. I'm proud of what I achieved during my time there but annoyed that I'm back at bloody square one AGAIN!

I don't want to go back on ESA as working was helping the depression. I've applied for some shops and call centres. I NEED to break the pattern and obsession around work. Otherwise, it's just exhausting!!

I'm FINALLY meeting with the CBT therapist this Friday from the CMHT after a year of waiting! She sounds lovely on the phone. I'm also seeing the dietician today. She's nice, too. I will see her every two weeks and the therapist weekly. I'm petrified of getting weighed today. My ED is STRONG and more of a problem than I thought. I am complying for the most part but still have days when I chuck the shakes away and I haven't eaten any hot food for a whole year now. 

I don't want to address it and often wish anorexia would kill me but it won't so I have been thinking if things don't improve I may have to go inpatient. 

Maintenance to prevent repeated hospitalisation and tube feeding but also weight gain which means I cant really do things well like work or exert myself much is boring. I want to die but would never take my own life and it seems anorexia won't beat me either. I can't go backwards because it would be like chucking everything back in my families faces. Going forward is terrifying too because it creates awful feelings of guilt, shame, depression, anxiety, fear, self hatred and disgust. So it's a bit of a crap situation really!

Sorry for the negativity ladies! Do let me know how you're all doing.

I've missed you xxx

Christmas was lovely though and I coped well. I enjoyed spending time with the family.

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## Suzi

So.. Why haven't you posted up till now? 
How did the weigh in go? 
Bloody hell it's lovely to hear from you! I was getting so worried!

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## magie06

It sounds like you've not had the best time. Glad that you were able to enjoy Christmas. You take care and pop in to see us when you can.

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## JustEM

Sorry, Suzi.

I know I should have been in touch. I get like that when things feel tough. I go a bit quiet.

I'm still at the same weight I was when I was discharged from hospital two months back. I spoke to the dietician about the possibility of inpatient. I was totally honest with her. My weight is the same so I was personally relieved by that. I mentioned inpatient to her. She replied that it would be very expensive for the NHS and that I wouldn't be a priority because I'm not at medical risk, yet not so long ago when my weight was lower (but not drastically so) that horrid OT was saying I could collapse in the street. The dietician said that I need to be motivated if I go inpatient and want to change because if I voluntarily went and left I wouldn't get the chance to access it again. She said they wouldn't section me because I wouldn't be classed as ill enough. She pointed out that I would be with women more under weight than I who would be much more entrenched in the illness. 

So what? A BMI of 13.8 is not sick enough to be an inpatient but a BMI below 15 means I wouldn't be cognitively ready for therapy apparently? I left today with the feeling of, 'Oh, so I'm not thaaaat bad'. Still, I'm looking at it from a positive perspective and not being so cynical about it all, hehe! 

Think the eating disorder service only classify 'dead' as being in need of help. Sorry. Not, ahem, being cynical. 

I like the dietician and she seems genuine but the fact that I told her I had wished I had died and still have feelings of 'I wish I was dead' didn't seem to mean anything. Hell, perhaps she's just tired of hearing that  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  all the time! 

I don't know what I'm expecting really. A magic wand or a brain transplant would be nice, haha!

Lovely to hear from you too! How are you? X

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## JustEM

Hi Magie,

How are you?

Thanks for keeping in touch. Hope you had a nice Christmas.

Yeah, things have been a bit tough. It's just the depression that is what's making everything so hard. I'm seeing the psychiatrist next week to discuss my meds. Think this will be my fourth and final attempt at ADs though.

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## Suzi

Don't give up on the meds love. There are loads of different ones and different combinations to try. 

Sweetheart don't go quiet again - when you are struggling more you need your friends more, and although we're separated by technological screens, I hope you'd consider us your friends. We care about you. It's important to be around people who won't judge you, but have some understandings. 

You still on those shakes? What happened with your pot painting?

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## JustEM

Yeah, I won't give up on them. 

Thanks Suzi. Of course I consider you all my friends!

Still on the shakes yeah. Hate it but no point in going backwards.

I've tried on several occasions to take up the pot painting, even just last night. I persisted but stopped when I realised I was just simply forcing myself to do something i didn't want to do. I can't get any pleasure from it anymore. Maybe it was just what I needed at a different stage. 

I can't concentrate on anything though. I part read books and part watch TV shows and never feel motivated to go out much.

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## Suzi

Definitely don't go backwards! You are too lovely and fabulous and the world needs you! 
Right so shakes are disgusting and I get that, can you add in some funky smoothies or something, just so you can get some different flavours which might help even in the slightest? 
Please forgive me if I make stupid suggestions that won't help, but ED's are something I don't have experience with and I desperately don't want to make things worse for you! So, please tell me if I'm not helping. 

So, no pleasure or enjoyment? Sounds depression like to me lovely. Are you going to have someone with you at your appointment? Mum maybe? Then she can help fill in the missing bits or maybe say things how they really are from her point of view too? I know I always went to the early ones with Marc...

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## magie06

Hi Em, as usual I've been running around like a headless chicken. I started knitting again last week and started a baby blanket for a charity here, that send boxes to maternity hospitals for people who have suffered the heartache of losing a baby either preterm or by stillbirth. The boxes have a blanket, 2 teddies, a disposable camera, and I'm not sure what else. I think there maybe a moulding clay to take an imprint of the baby's hands and feet too. It's a very difficult time in any parents life and if I can help at all by knitting a blanket then that maybe my calling. I'll knit as many as I can. I've started this blanket in 4-ply wool which is very fine and knit on very small needles. I'll get it finished sometime.  :knitting:

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## JustEM

Your advice about the shakes was great, honestly! They aren't that bad actually. I put them in coffee and mixing up the flavours helps. The chocolate ones are actually quite nice, haha!

Yeah, I know the depression is really a problem in my brain right now. I'm thinking of going back on an antipsychotic I was on before which helped me with the anorexic thoughts. They're starting to kick in more lately. I woke up this morning for instance with the words 'you're a fat sh*t and I hate you' repeating over and over in my head. I haven't had any ED thoughts like that in ages really. 

And I'll try another AD med. I've felt really unwell lately and my mother thinks it could be since decreasing the sertraline. I get constant headaches that I can only get rid of by lying down in a dark room and sometimes any noises (even my poor dad just talking last night bless him) feels like it's piercing into my skull so that I just want to say 'shut up!', haha! I feel like my heart is pounding in my chest even though my pulse is totally fine and nauseous and like I need to take deep breaths - a bit like anxiety but I don't feel anxious ?? I am also sleeping loads and feel totally exhausted. My mam thinks it's psychosomatic and that I think something is wrong when it's not. Thanks for that, haha! She also said depression can cause physical symptoms. Who knows? Maybe I'm just stressed!

Mood is flat as a pancake. I've had a lot of anger though. I liken the feeling to really bad PMS which in my case isn't currently possible. I feel like I could bite the head off a nail! I've been crying more, too. It's pent up exasperation at the depression having such an impact.

I will be alone for the appointment but feel okay in this case. I can be completely honest with the psychiatrist about my distressing thoughts that way without having to say anything in front of my mum which may upset her. 

That must have been so reassuring for Marc to know he had you as a support. Has his depression improved? 

Ps. How is crash?? 

Xx

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## JustEM

Wow Magie,

What a beautiful way to use your talent. That is such a lovely thing to do and it must be so rewarding. I'm sure it means such a lot to those who receive these boxes. What a beautiful charity. 

Lovely to hear that you're keeping busy and doing something so productive too.

Xx

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## Paula

Depression absolutely causes physical symptoms - my depression actually often manifests more physically than psychologically

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/clinic...sion/symptoms/

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## Suzi

Marc's been seeing an amazing psychotherapist for almost a year now and its been amazing. It's really hard going, but it is working. 
Crash is awesome, and he's staying with us for ever!

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## Paula

> Crash is awesome, and he's staying with us for ever!


Really?? Thats fantastic!!!!!!

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## Suzi

Yes really. Hes' never leaving us.

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Paula (05-01-18)

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## JustEM

Thanks for the link Paula.

Yay for crash!!

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Suzi (06-01-18)

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## magie06

Hi, how is your weekend going? We were in Galway this morning and I spent the afternoon catching up on the soaps from last night. I missed them because we had gone to the pantomime in Galway. It was a great show, put on by about 150 different amateur people. The script was written by one of the main characters and was very funny with a lot of local references and local jokes. It was to start at 7.30 but was a little bit delayed starting and started at 7.45 but it was over at about 10.20, so I got home again at 11.15. Tired today but I can go to bed early tonight. Not much on the telly.

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## Suzi

How are you doing lovely?

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## JustEM

Hey Magie!

Aww, I love a good panto! I'm taking my little niece to her first pantomime next week with both her nana's. It's an amateur one here too with all the naf local jokes and sloppy mistakes! It will be good fun I'm sure! I'm glad you had a good time.

Nice that you got to catch up on the soaps. I've had a productive day cleaning and spent the evening watching a new TV series to distract my mind from things. My sister is spending the day with us tomorrow so that should be nice. 

I've been using a hypnosis tape to drift off to sleep and it's helping a lot. I'm also doing lots of stretches and plan to get myself a yoga exercise DVD with the hope it will help my mood. 

I went back up on the meds again. The physical symptoms have thus subsided these last couple of days. 

Today was better than yesterday but I'm still plodding along. My first CBT session went well yesterday. The lady was so lovely. I had so much anger and got really upset though!

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## JustEM

How are you doing Suzi? X

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## Suzi

Don't worry about being upset at CBT. Make sure you do something that is kind to you after - therapy is exhausting. 

I'm better today than yesterday - that was rough pain wise and I spent all day attached to my tens machine and on max pain meds... But today is easier. It's also the first weekend without having to get my dressing changed so that's OK, a bit scary but it's being changed on Monday.. So what's your plan? I assume you're not working at the homeless place anymore? I hope you're spending time working on you and resting lovely.

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## Dark_Baphomet

It seems that in the country they only care if you're at an instantly curable level or actually dying, they won't help you if you're too bad but not dead yet.. I hate it, it's like the system is giving up on you and you don't mean anything to them. At least there is here where people actually try and help instead of you trying go get help and people saying you're too bad or not bad enough. I've found that friends help me more than councillors do because they actually act like they care and they want to help instead of just repeating what you're saying and asking you what you want them to do. Someone I know went to Finland to get better mental health care actually, apparently it's great over there, so if it gets too bad head to Finland if you like, there's some great metal bands over there too. I have never been bad enough eating wise to be considered to have an eating disorder but I have starved myself for months in the past and lost a lot of weight and it became obsessive when I was trying to be healthy initially. I find it helps to move the obsession to something else, try and find something else to focus on. Everything was calories and I could run them off like some kind of party trick, now I have no idea what I eat, i just try and make sure I have vegetables and eat healthyish. So maybe take up a hobby or something that you love and try and make that the thing you control instead, because then you kinda control your happiness I guess. Dunno if it's helpful

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## JustEM

Hey Suzi,

Yeah, better to get the emotions out than hold them all in. 

Aww, I'm sorry to hear you've been in so much pain. At least you know things are moving forward though and that the future can only mean you'll be feel stronger. Hope you feel better soon!

I'm not working there, no. I went there last week with my mother to give the donation from my fetes and in front of my mam told the manager I had anorexia and that working in the kitchen was too triggering. She told me several times to keep in touch and to let them know when things change. She said she won't put me anywhere near the kitchen! I saw all the staff there and they were lovely. The CBT therapist said on our first meeting that she could see how 'All or Nothing' I am. I did too much too soon, so the plan is to return there to volunteer slowly. 

I think the first thing really is the need to sort my mood out by getting the right meds. I need a focus too, but there's little motivation. I have a new crafts idea to do another springtime fundraiser for the homeless again.

Hope you've been feeling better today xx

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## Paula

I am so relieved to see you write that - I completely agree with your therapist. I know its hard, its taken me years to learn how to take things one step at a time and, even now, I get it wrong. Youre so brave, intelligent, strong and you will get to where you want to be

----------



----------


## JustEM

Hey Dark_Baphomet,

Thanks for posting.

Yeah, it's a real shame that the situation can be that way with the mental health services so often.... I'm so pleased to hear you have friends around you that help. That's so positive.

I find my family will always be a better support than MH professionals emotionally because naturally they care more about me than any therapist would because of the emotional attachment. It's the same with your friends. 

It's good to have a forum like this to chat with people who want to help, too, and I'm grateful for this. It's also good to off load to people who 'get it'.

Still, it is important to get that professional help where it's needed. I'm fortunate that I'm very perceptive and I know instantly who is genuine and who, erm, isn't. The CBT therapist I met last Friday seemed really lovely and sweet and genuine so that's a positive. My GP is also lovely. Are you receiving any MH support currently?

How are things with your eating and thoughts and behaviours around that now? Did you ever get any help with that? 

Couldn't agree more about shifting the focus into something more meaningful. I did this last time I was anorexic and became a proper swot at school! I loved studying and smashed my exams because of it! I have a new plan to get creative and make some new produce for a fundraising stall for charity later this year. Being creative and helping others can help. 

I hope everything is as well as it can be with you right now xx

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## Paula

Just in case I havent told you lately, I think youre awesome!

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----------


## Suzi

I completely agree with Paula - you are AWESOME!

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----------


## JustEM

Awww you guuuuuuys!!  :Panda: 

Thank you. You are all so amazing too!!!  :Kiss: 

Yes Paula, better to start slow and work up and sustain it than jump in at the deep end, do well and then crash. Going slower can get me steadily from A-Z whereas rushing things only gets me jumping back to A all the time to start over which is exhausting!! 

Thanks for your advice. I'm pleased that you've been able to recognise this and establish it into your life. That's impressive, inspiring, positive and encouraging and shows you're self aware, sensible and strong.  :(clap): 

Hope you're having a good day all xxx

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## Suzi

What are you up to today? Staying warm I hope! It's flipping freezing here!

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## JustEM

Proper freezing here, too!! Just got in and blasted myself with the hairdryer for instant warmth hahaha! Going to heat up some hand warmers I had for Christmas.

Had a lovely relaxing morning - lots of pampering and used my new electric neck and back massager whilst listening to some hypnosis and relaxation CDs. Then watched a spot of FRIENDS and did some writing. Just got back from a nice walk down the beach and up town and had a chat with my auntie. Looked everywhere for some canvases to do some painting but had no success so I'll probably just finish off my book tonight. 

Quiet day really. Just working on lifting my mood.

You had a nice day? X

----------


## Suzi

That sounds like a wonderful way of spending the morning. What kind of canvasses are you looking for? Amazon has loads and they are fairly reasonable (our youngest is amazingly artistic - she certainly didn't get it from me!) 

My day was going ok, but it hasn't ended that brilliantly - long story. Looking forward to the new series of Silent Witness tonight!

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## Paula

Im in awe of anyone who can paint, draw etc - that is so not my area of expertise. When I was studying reflexology, our homework one week was to draw a foot so we could jot down all the reflex points. Mine was so bad, my tutor told me to photocopy someone elses  :(giggle): @

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## JustEM

Yeah, it was a lovely morning Suzi! I can pop just out of my town tomorrow to find a canvas, otherwise it's Amazon for the win haha! My plan is to paint a scenic background, e.g. Starry sky with a big moon, sunset over the sea etc. And to then use pebbles (from the local beach!) to make into people. Then I can create scenes from this and even mix real sand into the paint too, as well as glitter for the sea and stars. 

I'm not enjoying the art as much as before but I'm still trying to just do things in short bursts. I was doing some mindfulness colouring tonight but stopped when it got to the point that I felt I was forcing myself to do it. 

Finished off my book finally! So I will pop to the library tomorrow and pick up some different books to read. 

Sometimes I beat myself up and call myself lame and a loser for spending my days in this way but working hard regardless to fight against these unhelpful negative thoughts. Feeling a bit bored and struggling with ED thoughts, so planning on watching Vera from last night with my mam before some hypnosis to switch off to sleep. Day by day, hey?

Ahh sorry your day didn't end brilliantly. You always sound so positive mind you! Enjoy Silent Witness! I've never seen that before. Hope you have a good night and a brighter day tomorrow. 

How is your pain today? I know you said you were having your dressing changed today.

Dare I ask about Crash Bang Wollop? Hehe xx

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## JustEM

Hahaha, thanks Paula! I'm actually a bit crap at drawing! It's why I'm so good with acryllic paints.... Because I can paint over and over it no problem! Haha!

Bet you gave the best foot massage though, right?

I'd still love to learn more about massage. I'm really into all of that. 

Have a good night xx

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## magie06

I bet you are better than you think at the art. I know when I started my last class, I was crap at drawing. In the end I was able to draw a pair of sneakers and a half decent landscape.

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## Suzi

Wow that scene sounds amazingly beautiful! 
Hunni, you are very, very far from being lame or a loser! I think you're amazing. 
Silent Witness - Forensic Pathology! I'd love to have done something like that!

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## JustEM

Thanks Magie,

Well I'm pretty good with a paint brush but have broken the only three sewing machines I've ever used and have knitted a couple of dodgy scarves haha! But learning new craft skills is always nice. Well done for giving the drawing a go! 

How are you doing Magie? X

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## JustEM

Thanks Suzi,

I'm going to make one for someone in my family who's going into a really bad depression just now. I don't know him that well but he was a nurse at the hospital I was at and he would visit me every day. He even brought me a huge framed positive quote poster. He's my sister in law's brother. I was thinking of creating the sunset and sea scene with a pebble person jumping in the air, and I thought of painting one of my leftover pots with bright colours and filling it with loads of different positive quotes and poems. Knowing I will be doing something for someone else will be good motivation to crack on and get arty! So that's tomorrows plan! 

My mam didn't fancy Vera tonight so I'm tuning into silent witness! I love these kind of shows, wouldn't fancy it as a job though haha!

Yeah, I know it's just negative thoughts and what we 'do' doesn't totally define how good a person we are. Positive as ever!

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## Paula

Reflexology is actually more closely connected to acupuncture than to massage - a therapist works on the points on the feet, lower leg, ears or face that correspond with different areas of the body to try to help the body heal itself naturally.

I did, However, qualify as a Holistic Therapist doing massage, Indian head massage and Hopi ear candling along with reflexology.. reflexology was my love though

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## magie06

Hi Em, I'm doing okay to be honest. Plodding along and taking it day by day. Some days are easier than others and some days I'd love nothing more than to stay in bed and not have to deal with anything or anyone. But thankfully those days are generally outnumbered by the good days. This time of the year in the past has been a trigger for me, Christmas over and nothing to look forward to, dark mornings and dark evenings, Easter a long way off, but over the last few years, I've talked myself out of that. I've looked on the positive and tried to get out once in the day. I find the lack of vitamin D really sets off my depression, so I walk in the morning when the best chance of getting some sun normally happens. 

You are a really kind person. Good luck with filling your pot today with those positive thoughts. If you are stuck there is a website called Pinterest that has sections on mindfulness and positive affirmations that might be of some help to you.

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## Suzi

I think it's wonderful that you are doing those things for someone else. But as long as I've known you, you've always been about what you can do to help others - raising money for charity etc... You really are a wonderful and kind person. 

So... how's your mood today? How's the shakes babe?

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## JustEM

Holistic massage sounds lovely, Paula. Do you still practice any of it now, even just on family and friends?

I just bought myself a treat with some Christmas money. An acupuncture mat for the feet with hand, face and feet massage tools and diagrams of all the different points, as well as an acupuncture body mat and pillow! 

I've had Indian head massage before and it was awesome. Never tried the hopi ear candling though!

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## JustEM

Morning Magie! 

I'm glad to hear the good days outnumber the bad and that you're staying positive. Lots of people get 'the January blues', but we have the lighter mornings, lighter evenings, longer days, brighter colours and flowers to look forward to as spring draws closer.

Popping out each day for a stroll even just a short while helps me too. Have you tried one of those sun lights people with SAD often use? Have you tried taking any vitamin tablets? Floradix are good, just check with your doc though that they won't interact with any prescribed meds.

Thanks, that is such a great site!!

Have a lovely day xx

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## Paula

> Holistic massage sounds lovely, Paula. Do you still practice any of it now, even just on family and friends?
> 
> I've had Indian head massage before and it was awesome. Never tried the hopi ear candling though!


No, I dont practise. The thing with that sort of work is that its vital to keep a protective bubble around you so you dont take on your clients emotions and stress. When my mental health got worse, I wasnt able to protect myself itms and it was just too difficult to do my job.  Hopi ear candle is awesome! It really helps clear things out and is surprisingly relaxing  :):

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## JustEM

Aww thanks Suzi, that's sweet of you to say! Helping others keeps me motivated.

Mood isn't bad, but it's empty. Feel detached, like I simply exist but am not present. It's a weird sense of emptiness and nothingness, like being on the sidelines. Like I don't know who I am. I get this a lot, but the mood isn't depressed today so no complaints haha! 

Had a lovely morning so far with pampering, massage, hot shower, stretches and mindful colouring with hypnosis and relaxation music in the background. Spot of fresh air now before painting commences haha!

I'm still doing what I need to do nutrition wise. It's part of getting well right? I comply without supervision which is great. I feel so much better that the horrid OT isn't involved either. I still get difficult thoughts but I know the drill and im coping well.

Have a nice day! Any plans ? Xx

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## Suzi

You are doing amazingly. It's hugely impressive that you are able to comply without being supervised. That's awesome!

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## JustEM

Well that makes total sense to me, Paula. You made the right choice.

I will have to give the hopi ear candling a go sometime!!

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## JustEM

Thanks Suzi,

Yeah, not the person I was before hospital admission hey? Really anxious about tomorrow because I will be getting weighed. Once it's over I will feel much better and relieved. 

I painted the pot! Now I just need to fill it will lots of nice quotes. I also went for a nice walk in the freezing cold haha. I'm trying so hard but I'm not feeling any pleasure.

I feel detached. I don't feel anything. Just numb. It's so weird. 

Seeing the psych tomorrow about my meds so hopefully something good will work out with that too.

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## Suzi

When are you being weighed? Drop in here if you need it. 
Well done love for pushing yourself. Do you live near the sea? 
We're here for you love x

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## JustEM

Tomorrow afternoon. My hope is that improved physical health will improve my mental health and ultimately my MOOD. But my fear is that I will gain weight but still feel like rubbish. 

Weighing tomorrow afternoon. 

Thanks hun, here for you too x

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## Suzi

Let us know how you get on lovely. We'll be with you in spirit.

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## JustEM

Thank you x

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## magie06

Good luck for tomorrow.  You dread the scales in case you've lost anything and I dread the scales in case I've put up anything. I wish they would do away with scales altogether.

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## Paula

Thinking of you, hunni

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## JustEM

Magie, 

I dread the scales because I'm terrified the number will go up! I've complied all week and tomorrow hope my mind will be at ease and see it's okay to take nutrition because I won't put on 20 stone in a week! 

Yeah, I would rather just not weigh at all! We shouldn't be defined by a bloody number! 

Thanks Paula. Thanks everyone! Much love xx

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Flo (11-01-18)

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## Suzi

Stupid question, but could they not tell you? Could they just say OK or not? Could you then believe that you've stayed the same and therefore it's OK? Would that work? Could it work?

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## JustEM

Not a stupid question at all! 

That could happen certainly, but anorexia is all about control. It won't be happy knowing they know but it doesn't. Make sense? Shows it's a mental illness aye? With physical symptoms.

How are you today, lovely? X

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## Suzi

That makes sense.. 
I'm ok thanks lovely. Not as sore as yesterday which is good.

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## JustEM

Glad you're not as sore today hun. 

My appointment was very positive. The psychiatrist said he didn't want me dying on them and I thanked him for actually taking notice and caring. It meant a lot to be taken seriously. My weight went up slightly but not enough to ruin my day or anything haha. I'm having bloods done tomorrow and he said if they show concerns I will have to go back to hospital to get the levels up. Unlikely because I haven't had problems before and I'm taking the supplements which provide the nutrition I need. I'm not scared about hospital anymore either. It wouldn't mean a tube! 

He said if my bloods are off and my weight starts to drop then it will look like I will go inpatient, but he wants to treat me at home in the community. 

He gave me an official diagnosis of clinical depression and increased the sertraline to the maximum 200mg. He said if I don't feel better in a month we can look to augmenting it with another medication. 

I felt so much relief once the appointment was over! Just came back from a stroll by the sea front with my mam which was nice.

How was your day? X

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Suzi (10-01-18)

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## Suzi

That's so awesomely positive! I'm so pleased! Well done love! 
Stroll by the sea? You lucky thing! Next time, take pics, get seashells and think of me! The seaside is my favourite...

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## JustEM

Thank yoooou!  :Kiss: 

Aww, I absolutely will! Very blessed to live by the sea. I'm motivated to get out and appreciate it every day! (Apart from rainy ones obviously. That's more of a sit in the car and watch the waves crashing kind of day)  :O:

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## Suzi

When I was little we spent most of our summer holidays on the beach come rain, wind, hail or sun!

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## magie06

I used to live across from the sea. A lovely sound to hear the waves every morning as your alarm clock. It was the 1st thing I missed when we moved. It was too quiet around here.

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## Flo

> No, I dont practise. The thing with that sort of work is that its vital to keep a protective bubble around you so you dont take on your clients emotions and stress. When my mental health got worse, I wasnt able to protect myself itms and it was just too difficult to do my job.  Hopi ear candle is awesome! It really helps clear things out and is surprisingly relaxing


I've had Hopi ear candling! It's great! And as Paula says, gets rid of lots of potential gubbins and is relaxing too. Give it a go.

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## Paula

Im so chuffed you had such a positive appointment. Well done, lovely  :):

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## JustEM

Aw Suzi! It's not a proper British holiday without a trip to the seaside in the wind and rain! Haha!

Yes Magie, it's lovely living by the sea. But there's beauty to be found in all the different types of places. I'd love to live in the countryside too!

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## JustEM

Hi there Flo!
How are you?
Okay, next spa day I'm getting Hopi ear candling! Haha!

Thank you, Paula xx

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## JustEM

Just came back from my CBT session. The therapist is so sweet and really caring. I worked really hard. It's surprising how draining it is! Looking forward to getting home as I know my acupuncture mat has arrived! 

I got totally muddled with the appointment times today so had an hour to kill. My head just hit a blank. Used the hour well though checking out the books in Smiths and jotting them down to order free in the library....! 

Off home now and hope to pop up the seafront again with my mam.

Hope you're all having a nice day xx

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## Suzi

That's really positive! Well done lovely!

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## magie06

Your posts are really positive at the moment. You must be so proud of yourself. You are probably going to be tired after your session this morning. Be kind to yourself.

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## JustEM

I always try my best to keep positive in all situations. It keeps us going, right? Thanks Magie x

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Suzi (11-01-18)

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## Suzi

It's not always easy though...

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## JustEM

Oh, I never said it was easy!  :O: 

But it IS always possible and I really do believe that.

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## Suzi

And that radiates through you and your posts. You are EPIC

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## Paula

> Oh, I never said it was easy! 
> 
> But it IS always possible and I really do believe that.


I completely agree!

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## JustEM

Wow! EPIC is a big, bold word! Thank you!  :(blush):  

Well being able to feel good enough to find these real positives every day is certainly made massively easier by me having such amazingly EPIC supportive people in my corner waving pom poms, offering advice, being kind and encouraging and sometimes just listening (or in this case, 'reading'  :(giggle): ) my ramblings!  :Kiss:  Thank you all. 

Had a nice day today. I'm noticing a real stillness in my mind. Last night, I was sitting so peacefully and for the first time in forever I felt that I simply wasn't thinking of ANYTHING! I am never able to do this. I listened to an all-night positive affirmations hypnosis tape and woke up in a good enough mood. I like the idea that even when I'm asleep, my subconscious mind is hearing the words like, 'I am happy', 'I am confident', 'I am motivated'. Positive brainwashing at its best.  :O:   :(giggle):   :(y): 

Spent all morning experimenting with my latest relaxation kit! Haha! Christmas smellies, acupuncture foot mat, back mat and pillow, reflexology kit, face and head massager, electric neck massager and relaxation music playing in the background. My mother couldn't help but laugh at all this random stuff I've got. I joked with her (we have a very dry and sick sense of humour sometimes), saying 'well I kinda have had a bit of a breakdown here, mam! I want to feel happy'. Turns out, she actually loves the acupuncture foot mat and head massager. Who's laughing now, hey?  :O:  

This morning, I felt the same 'still mind' feeling. It could well be increasing the meds. Still, it's quite a nice feeling so no complaints from me, haha!  :8):  

Got all the washing and cleaning done which is always a plus and have spent a few hours this afternoon chatting on different forums and working on my CBT therapy 'homework' from yesterday. Helps knowing I'm not alone in struggles with mental health and it was positive for me to see how I responded to a negative thought by thinking positive ones instead which thus had a more productive and positive effect on my emotions and behaviour. So far so good with the CBT.  :(y): 

Will probably chill this evening and see if there's anything good on ye old NetFlix.

Have a good weekend everyone x

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## Suzi

That hypnosis tape sounds awesome. 
You are EPIC I truly believe it! 

What's your homework?

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## magie06

How are things this evening? I've spent the last few hours knitting and I got the sum total of about 12 rows knit. I'm feeling a bit fed up with it to be honest but I'm no quitter and I will finish it before I move onto anything else.

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## JustEM

Yeah, it's great! It starts by getting you into a place where you can drift off to sleep and wakes you up gradually morning time! If it works, I'm game to give it a go! I listen to someone called Thomas Hall and someone called Michael Seaney. They're both easy to find on YouTube! I will try another one tonight.

To write three goals, the steps I can make to achieve them and on a scale of 0-10 how close I am to being able to achieve the goal. She asked me to start reeeeeally slowly. This lady knows what's best for me already, haha!

I also have to record a situation, my unhelpful thoughts and consequent emotions, rating how much I believe the thought and how strongly I feel the emotion.

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## Suzi

That sounds wonderful!

OOO What goals have you put? 
Record audibly or in writing? Maybe we can help?

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## JustEM

In writing. 

1. Get out every morning and go to Church (will help me get routine, fresh air and I always feel better for going to Church).

My steps to achieve this include -
*Setting an alarm to prevent last minute rushing.
*Going a few times initially and building up through the month.

2. Volunteer (slowly!) at the homeless hostel I worked at (one or two mornings or one full day a week but not in the kitchen!) 
Steps -
*Get in touch with the hostel in a month once I've seen the psychiatrist again about my med change. By then, I will have had four CBT sessions, been on the increased dose for a month, seen the dietician and worked super mega hard at improving my mood!)
*Start slow and gradually build up. Ask about helping in the clothes store/laundry sorting donations one morning and in the needle exchange another morning, otherwise offer to help with admin.

3. Get a part time job. 
Steps -
*I actually have an interview next Thursday for a position that doesn't start until the middle of February. It's a short walking distance from my house, cleaning caravans (something I've not done before and no food work!), three set days every week (good for routine), short shifts and only 12 hours which is manageable and permitted whilst on ESA.
*Be honest from the START this time about my health problems! Will make things waaaaay easier.
*If unsuccessful, look at other similar positions.

Sounds pretty realistic I reckons!

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## Paula

Its great youve got goals but 2 and 3 are about working. Would it perhaps be more rounded if only one of your goals is work related?

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## Suzi

They are more realistic than I was expecting from you lol....

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## JustEM

Good shout, Paula.  :(y):  

The only other goal I could think of for now is a more general, every day one. To 'say yes more than no'. What I mean by this, is if an opportunity to do something (e.g. Even something simple like going out with my mam shopping or out for the day somewhere, or if I am invited to do something or go somewhere or do something different, say yes!) Rather than worrying 'what if?'. This is something I've actually already started today and that I can continue on a daily basis. It will also help boost my mood and reduce my anxiety about, erm, doing nice things! 

I can also start the walking to Church every day one from tomorrow. 

That way, the voluntary goal can be more of a long-term goal achieved gradually.

Whaddya think?  :):

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## JustEM

Hahahaha, Suzi! 

I'm (trying to be!) a new woman!  :(giggle): 

What were you expecting me to say? Get a 50 hour job, move into my own place and learn to drive?  :O: 

Baby steps. I can do this.  :(y):

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## JustEM

Hey Magie!

Sorry, I didn't see your message until today! How are you doing? Did you finish the knitting?  :knitting: 

I had a nice evening thanks. Watched three episodes of Black Mirror with my dad and listened to a new hypnosis tape overnight.

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## Paula

> Good shout, Paula.  
> 
> The only other goal I could think of for now is a more general, every day one. To 'say yes more than no'. What I mean by this, is if an opportunity to do something (e.g. Even something simple like going out with my mam shopping or out for the day somewhere, or if I am invited to do something or go somewhere or do something different, say yes!) Rather than worrying 'what if?'. This is something I've actually already started today and that I can continue on a daily basis. It will also help boost my mood and reduce my anxiety about, erm, doing nice things! 
> 
> I can also start the walking to Church every day one from tomorrow. 
> 
> That way, the voluntary goal can be more of a long-term goal achieved gradually.
> 
> Whaddya think?


I think thats a great goal  :):

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## Suzi

> Hahahaha, Suzi! 
> 
> I'm (trying to be!) a new woman! 
> 
> What were you expecting me to say? Get a 50 hour job, move into my own place and learn to drive? 
> 
> Baby steps. I can do this.


Erm yeah pretty much......

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## magie06

The knitting is growing slowly. I'm taking my time and some days I get more done than others. Today hasn't been a good knitting day as we were in Galway in the morning and spent the afternoon tidying up the wardrobe in Aisling's old room. We have a lot to put into the attic tomorrow. Not sure when though, as we have a family anniversary mass in the morning.

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## Suzi

:(bear):  lovely... Hope you're resting a bit and being kind to yourself...

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## JustEM

Just take your time with the knitting, no pressure on yourself.  :): 

Sounds like you've had a busy day!

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## Suzi

How are you today lovely?

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## JustEM

Hi Suzi!

Good thanks, it's nice and cold and frosty here. Got a lot of cleaning done and just came home from Church. 

How are you?

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## Suzi

Shattered! It's Crash's 1st birthday today so it's involved presents, a very long walk somewhere new to him, playing in mud, a lake etc and there will be a special doggy birthday cake for him later! 
Hope Church was good lovely and the rest of the day was positive.

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## Paula

:(hi):  ..

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## S deleted

Happy birthday Crash. He’s so cute.

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Suzi (14-01-18)

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## JustEM

Sounds like you had a great day!!

Happy birthday, Crash!!

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## Suzi

The amount of mud is amazing lol 

How you doing today gorgeous?

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## JustEM

Glad you had fun  :(happy): 

Bleurgh. I'm not so good today unfortunately. New day tomorrow though and need to be out for an 8am appointment so hopefully tomorrow will be better.

How are you?

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## Paula

Sorry youre not so good. Sending big hugs your way  :(bear):

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## S deleted

Not the dreaded lurgy?

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## Suzi

Not so good in what way lovely?

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## JustEM

Nah, not the lurgy. Would probably prefer it if it was though! 

Just woke up feeling reeeeeally low. I get times when my depression completely takes over. It's like an outside force of doom pushing down on me. My mind goes blank, I can't think straight and I feel cloth-headed. The worst part is, it can come on suddenly and there's absolutely nothing I can do to beat it. 

I just feel a bit hopeless about getting well sometimes, like it's never going to happen. I've got a long road to recovery and the enormity of how that feels in itself is enough to get me down. 

The AD meds have helped to 'still' my mind but the mood just isn't lifting. So many negative self-destruction thoughts filling my head today and anxiety about getting weighed tomorrow. 

Shouldn't be moaning I know, I just want my mood to improve. It started 18 months ago and from last year it just got worse and worse. I'm fed up of being fed up and not being able to beat it.

Sorry for grumping x

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## Suzi

Why didn't you say something earlier? You narna...  :(bear):

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## JustEM

Haha! Narna.

Dunno, sleepy day I guess.

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## Paula

Oh hunni, Im sorry yesterday was so bad. I know it seems an insurmountable road to climb but, if you continue putting my foot in front of another, you will get there. And, remember, you have us by your side every single step  :(bear):

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## Suzi

How's stuff love?

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## JustEM

Paula....  :Panda:

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## JustEM

Meh. Okay, Suzi.

Doctor was super nice today. Reassured me about meds and said not to worry about having to augment with something else. Weight the same as hospital discharge weight so I was relieved. Feeling flat, bored, disconnected. Just can't be arsed anymore.

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## Suzi

You can be arsed as you are important love. I'm glad that the doctor was kind and that your weigh in wasn't bad. 

Can you do something different to distract yourself from feeling rubbish? What about watching a movie?

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## JustEM

Yeah, I keep myself busy enough. Can't concentrate so well today. 

Was thinking of writing some poetry with some music on maybe.

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## S deleted

That sounds like a plan. I know when I get like that vegging out watching crappy tv is about all I can manage. You really are a very creative person.

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## JustEM

Yeah  same here Stella. Can't concentrate on anything though.

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## Suzi

How's the rest of the day gone love?

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## JustEM

Hey!

Yesterday was really good thanks, Suzi. I spent it with my little niece who is an absolute joy! Then I went to the theatre to see a show which was my Christmas present. It was awesome! So today, I have felt much more positive and motivated. I really do have a lot to be thankful for.

My GP suggested I volunteer at a self help recovery centre in my area. It's for dying cancer patients, those who are gravely ill, people of all ages with various mental and physical illness, children, and elderly people who don't have any family. 

I went there today with my mother and the manager gave us a tour of the place! They offer holistic therapies for patients - reflexology, acupuncture, self hypnosis, Indian head massage, homeopathy, hydrotherapy and Bowen's therapy. The manager said that as a volunteer I would be able to help AND receive the treatments! He shared openly with me that he had PTSD and depression so I shared my depression so I shared about my mental health problems. The environment there was warm, accepting and non-judgemental. 

They also have a sensory garden, their own Church, a bar and comfy lounge areas. The manager said I could help three days a week with the patients, cleaning, serving teas and coffees and with crafts and activities. He said, with time, that I could even learn to become a therapist there! He's invited me to come for the day next Tuesday! 

Had a good day today. Got up and out. Went to Church, got all the cleaning done, went for a lovely walk, and used all my acupuncture and reflexology gadgets! 

How are you today? Crash behaving....? Hehe!

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## Suzi

Wow! That place sounds amazing! Yay! Not food based too! Well done!  :):  

Things are busy here, shattered! We have discovered by watching "Big Cats" that Crash barks at them - whether he's scared or guarding us we haven't worked out lol

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## Paula

Thats soinds like a wonderful centre  :):

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## JustEM

I know! I was well impressed! 

Hahahaha Crash! Defo showing the big cats who's boss I reckon.  :O:

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## Suzi

So, how are you today lovely?

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## JustEM

Hey! 

Pretty good thanks! Had a lush day yesterday at the spa! A quieter one today. Rainy and cold here. Off to Church soon then Call The Midwife tonight which I love!

How are you? Nice weekend? X

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## Suzi

Sounds like a lovely day - I've never been to a spa lol...

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## JustEM

Aww you need to go, Suzi!! I absolutely love a spa.

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## Paula

Hi Hunni, glad you had a good spa day - theres nothing quite like it  :):

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## S deleted

I’ve been to a spa. 


Droitwich Spa.

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## JustEM

Absolutely spot on, Paula!  :(happy): 

Hahaha, Stella!  :(giggle):

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## JustEM

Quick update/ramble.  :O: 

Had a nice evening yesterday. Saw some familiar faces at Church that I haven't seen in ages and was asked if I would like to help out at the new youth club each week. I think this will be a lovely idea!  :):  Then came home for a cuppa and some telly. Call the Midwife was top notch. Chucked a hypnosis tape on and got a good snooze.

Productive one today. Up early, house sparkling, acupuncture and out early. Went to Church, did loads of what I needed to do, then a family friend popped in for a cuppa which was a nice surprise. Got myself a few new books from the library to start tonight, too. 

I'm looking forward to going to the centre tomorrow. 

Hope all is well with everyone!

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## Suzi

Wow you've been really busy! 
How's your mood doing lovely?

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## Paula

I need some acupuncture but my osteopath wont treat me until we know whats going on with my brain *she huffs*

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## Suzi

Oh... *hands chocolates and backs away slowly*

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## JustEM

Yeah! Keeping myself busy without exhausting myself!  :(giggle): 

Mood has been pretty good!  :(clap):  Bit flat now and again but nothing I haven't been able to overcome. I'm trying to go easy on myself accepting that everyone gets flat sometimes - perhaps because it's raining or they didn't sleep or it's just Monday morning!  :O:  I'm not putting pressure on myself that I must do things. It's okay sometimes if I want to do something other than what I had planned. 

Hope you can get some acupuncture soon, Paula!  :(nod):  xx

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## Paula

I love your post! So positively realistic itms lol  :O:

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## Suzi

That's a brilliant post hunnipie!

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## JustEM

Hehe, it's the new me!  :(party):

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## Suzi

It's good to see the positivity - but just as important to acknowledge the not so good stuff. The trick is to strike a happy balance...

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## JustEM

Genius, Suzi!  :Kiss:  
That's what I've been trying to achieve for ages! It's tricky, but do-able I'm sure.  :(nod):

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Suzi (23-01-18)

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## JustEM

Struggling today....  :(: 

Had a weird appointment with the ED services. Basically got discharged with a BMI of 13.  :^):  I don't know what message that's supposed to give...? My anorexia was relieved but I did feel a bit tossed aside. 

But I've made steps. Mainly for my mother's benefit. I swapped my usual snack for something I haven't eaten in months. Erm, that thing called 'actual food'. Okay, it was a bit of ham, tomatoes and a cheese string all calculated to the exact bloody calorie but at least I've moved on from just melon. It's a mini shuffle in the right direction.

Sadly the centre didn't work out. Turns out, their values and approaches clashed with my religion and I knew my head would relish at the opportunity to make me feel guilty for going there so I decided against it. My mother was relieved and everyone said I made the right choice for me. It caused me to dip in mood because I saw it as yet ANOTHER failed venture but something bloody else will come along I'm sure.

I feel a bit pointless if I'm honest. No purpose, no mental health support, no friends and the weight of depression crushing me to nothing. The meds have stilled my mind but my mood is FLAAAAAAT.  :S:  I've been spending days on my own and feel detached from everything. 

I feel my depression getting worse and wonder what the hell is going to happen to me exactly.

I wish I could just snap out of it. But I  :Swear:  can't! I would have done so by now!

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## Suzi

OMG you ate something different than melon?! That's bloody awesome! Well done love! I think that's a real achievement and you should be really proud. 

In what way did the values clash with your religion lovely? Sorry it didn't work out though - it obviously wasn't meant to be lovely. 
Discharged from the ED team? That's great, if you're well enough. What support do you have now?
Sorry you're struggling, but I'm really glad you are talking about it.

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## JustEM

Yes, haha! It is positive. Thanks, Suzi. 

Ah, there's a history behind some of the therapies that contradict the faith. Too much to get into.  :(think):  It's an excellent centre though. Shame for me, but never mind.

Ohhh I'm nowhere near well enough. I'm only four pounds heavier than when I was admitted to hospital and my depression is getting worse if anything. Still, I'm strong enough without them.  :(punch):  *laughs in the melons face*  :(giggle): 

My support will be an hour of CBT twice a month and the GP who isn't connected to the services every four-six weeks.

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## Paula

Is there anyone you can talk to to challenge the decision?

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## JustEM

Not really, Paula. Only other support they could give me would be the occupational therapist of doom that I had before hospital. Thee services are just stretched. 

I don't know what others' experiences are elsewhere, but in adult services the MH Team seem happy to let you get on with it. We can't always help ourselves. Anorexia has similarities to an addiction. 

Still, thank goodness for my family. And you guys.

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## JustEM

Im seeing my therapist today so can ask for weekly sessions but she didnt seem keen on the idea before.

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## Suzi

It seems counter intuitive to discharge you when you are still really poorly..

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## JustEM

Yeah....  :(:  It's just the system. 

It all came out in therapy today though. I didn't expect to rant but just couldn't help myself. I've just been so let down by the service. She helped me a lot. She also said she will see me weekly for the first ten of twenty sessions and that we can re-evaluate then. She was pleased with the work I did and said nobody had put in so much effort the first time like I had! 

So, it's positive. Still feel a bit meh but better than I did a couple of hours ago.

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## Paula

Thats good news. Not the ideal solution but its a start. Sweetie, just remember that all the progress you have made is because of your motivation, your positivity, you did it all.

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## JustEM

Thanks Paula. I'm not sure I would call it 'progress'. More like 'endurance'. I haven't yet lost.

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## Suzi

I think it sounds positive with the counsellor...

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## Paula

Hey hunni, weve not heard much from you lately, so just wondering if youre ok  :(bear):

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