# Help and Advice > Friend/relative has depression support >  What does he mean?

## Niffler

Hi all,

I am a little nervous about posting, as lets face it I dont want to hear something that will hurt me but at the same time I want to understand and get some clarification. 

I am not really sure where to start but here goes. I am 32 my boyfriend is turning 50 this year. We have been together almost 2 years and went through a similar situation to this around the same time last year. My boyfriend advised me when we first started dating that he suffered from SADS and I am extremely supportive, give him space when he needs it and never put any pressure on him. To the point that we never really discuss a future or moving in together etc. At times I do feel like I am walking on eggshells at times but the past week or so he has been in a real grump. We had been away with friends for a few days and he always does tend to struggle with being around people for too long so he was distant when we initially came home. However he went out with a friend and had drinks on Thursday and he believes this friend (he has told me) suffers from bi polar but is undiagnosed. His friend was having a rough time so agreed to go for some drinks to chat. He ensured his friend didnt drink much but he drank too much as a result so was feeling tender the next day (he doesnt deal with hangovers very well). My BF advised me he felt drained after seeing his friend and was going to use a mediation app before bed (he later told me he hadnt). So Friday when he was hungover we went for lunch and he was on his phone the whole time and later I dropped him home and said Id cook us tea as he said he would stay at mine for the weekend as he went out with his friend (to make up for it) and we were meant to be at an engagement party of another of his friends this evening. He didnt come round last night, he was hinting that he didnt want to do I asked if we were to cancel and he agreed. I got annoyed and upset which I normally dont react this way as I understand how he is when he is hungover but I was upset. I called him selfish and that he was not thinking about how I felt. He snapped and got angry and ignored me all evening. I tried to call and after the third time he picked up only to shout and then hang up on me. I messaged him and said it was silly to argue over such a little thing and he said I was overthinking everything and that we would talk today as he was in a foul mood. I tried calling and txting this morning to which he again ignored but then finally rang me back to say that he was finding our relationship difficult. Ill admit Im not proud but I then hung up on him and txt him to say if he wanted to break up with me he should have the decency to tell me to my face.

He ignored me for a good while and then replied saying he wanted space he is finding our relationship stressful he didnt want any confrontation or arguing and just wanted space to sort himself out. I replied and asked him what space meant but he just used the word again......has he broken up with me? What should I do? I am mad at him but I love him so much and am not sure if he wants me to hang around for him or not?

Im absolutely breaking inside and feel I have no one to talk to, can anyone advise me at all.

Thank you so much in advance  :(:

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## Paula

Hi and welcome. No one except your boyfriend can tell you what he means but depression in any form does often cause us to push the people we care about away. It is tough for our friends and family to deal with and sometimes things just dont work out. Having said that, it can work. My husband and I are stronger because we were able to work things through.  You need to have a proper conversation with your boyfriend and ask him whats going on, if he needs space perhaps he needs to give you an idea of the boundaries of that? 

Ive deleted 3 other duplicate threads youve started

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## Niffler

Thanks for your reply Paula and apologies for submitting 3 (I wasn't sure if it was working until I asked someone in another thread and they said its when you can get to them!). The last message he sent said sorry but its what he needs, I had tried to ask what he meant in the one prior to that and he didn't really clarify. I had drafted up a heartfelt message but am conscious he has asked for space and do not want to send it to him......what is best to do, wait a few days? I think it is something we can work through. It seems to be the exact same time as last year. We had been away with the same friends then and he had gotten really grumpy when we got home. So I'm not sure if things are just getting on top of him at the moment and instead of riding it out he is pushing me away....as I am the easy option because I am so patient. The last time this happened he came around to talk through with me and it was good but this time he wont even answer the phone and talk to me properly.

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## Suzi

Hi and welcome. It can work when one partner has depression/associated illnesses. It's worked with me and my (now) husband. We've known each other for just over 20 years and it's taken some pain, some treading on eggshells but most of all talking. We talk all the time. 
You could try writing him an email or a letter and putting in there what you are saying to us, but then it's there and he can read it and reread it as much as needed and you can say everything you need without an argument..

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## Niffler

Thanks Suzi, the message I had drafted up was kinda heartfelt but maybe needs a little tweaking to say exactly what I want/feel. I'm struggling this time around because I am always so patient I feel guilty for even saying anything but I was just upset and disappointed that's why I had said I think it is all a little silly. Only a few weeks back he was saying how much he loved my patience and for the first time ever had mentioned something in passing to someone about us living together. I know in the past his relationships haven't lasted long (few months) and when he is having bad days when he actually talks to me he says how not everyone would put up with him. My response is always just a jokey 'it's a good job I love you then' but he doesn't talk enough. Feelings are hard for him. I don't think he realises how much I understand him.

Question is do I give him a few days, as I feel it will all fall on deaf ears at the minute?

It's nice to have people who understand listening, friends don't understand and wonder why I haven't ended things before now.

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## Paula

Sweetie, however you decide to deal with this, the most important thing is you look after yourself and be kind to you  :Panda:

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## Niffler

> Sweetie, however you decide to deal with this, the most important thing is you look after yourself and be kind to you


I know, that's the hard part at the moment.....

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## Paula

Thats what were here for, to support you through this

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## Suzi

Maybe you need to take the emphasis away from him and focus, as Paula has suggested on you. What about ice cream and a movie, or a hot bath or a good night in/out with some girlfriends?

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## Niffler

So I'll leave him a few days I think, then see how I feel and take Suzi's advice. I have always been an advocate of communication. I know no one is perfect with it at all times but airing things out always helps and I'm just so hurt that he's pushing me away when he knows this. It feels to me like maybe he's never had that before and now he has got it he doesn't know what to do with it.

I'm worried about him. He stubborn and independent on the surface but when he is low I know he needs someone.

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## Paula

Communication is very important but, sometimes, we end up saying the same thing to each other over and over and a little space can help. I know it hurts, lovely, but I also know that, when I was pushing my husband away, I didnt want to or mean to. Eventually I realised what I was doing and Im sure your other half will too

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## Niffler

I think it's the not knowing that's confusing me, he hasn't actually said break up, but used the word space which can mean so much. I am trying to focus on me. I will be going to the gym a bit next week and I have a lunch date Monday and Tuesday....its the down time when I'd normally talk to him that hard. Sounds silly but I ripped his valentines card up earlier and threw the roses away he got me....I can't bare to see them. Everything is making me hurt. I do feel like he is pushing me away, but when you did it to your husband did you want him to try or not or did you not know?

Apologies if you do not wish to answer  :):

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## Paula

Oh wow. Tbh, there were times I was so ill I felt absolutely nothing except pain. He was unbelievably patient with me and never let me feel like I was a burden.

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## Niffler

Thanks Paula, I appreciate it. I am always patient, I'm trying, I have never seen him as a burden and I tell him that. I think that is why I feel so bad I reacted this way, but I needed him to know how I felt.....is that me being selfish?

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## Paula

Not at all. Theres two of you in this relationship

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## Niffler

Should I let him contact me or would he need me to reach out to him?

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## Paula

I think you said it yourself, give him a few days ....

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## Niffler

Thanks ladies I'll keep you posted

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Paula (17-02-18)

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## Niffler

> Hi and welcome. It can work when one partner has depression/associated illnesses. It's worked with me and my (now) husband. We've known each other for just over 20 years and it's taken some pain, some treading on eggshells but most of all talking. We talk all the time. 
> You could try writing him an email or a letter and putting in there what you are saying to us, but then it's there and he can read it and reread it as much as needed and you can say everything you need without an argument..


Suzi - can I ask....does the walking on eggshells ever stop or reduce or does that all come with communication?

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## Suzi

> Suzi - can I ask....does the walking on eggshells ever stop or reduce or does that all come with communication?


Honestly? I tried for so long walking on tiptoes, getting the kids to be as quiet as possible etc and one day I just snapped at him and lost the plot a bit and told him that whilst I knew he was poorly, there were 5 of us living there etc etc etc and I've not done so since. I've been respectful when he's having a blip, the same as the kids, but on the whole it's now much more balanced. We've been through some seriously hard times - 3 breakdowns, panic attacks so bad he has had ambulances called for him, panic attacks so severe he didn't leave the house, paranoia, social phobia, crippling anxiety etc and touch wood he's doing OK atm, but our relationship has never been stronger and we've been together for 19 years. He works with my physical disabilities, I work with his mental illnesses - between us we'd make a great person lol
I'm not proud that I lost my temper, but I'm glad I did as it really helped us...

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## Niffler

Thanks Suzi, whilst I’m not comparing whatsoever as we haven’t been together so long but although he is older I’m not sure he has had anyone who has tried to understand him and care for him so he’s still learning if that makes sense?!? I think that’s what happened with me the other day. I snapped because I always walk on eggshells but I’m just hoping he’ll come back and we can communicate better. He says he is struggling with our relationship but I don’t know why?!

You both seem like you love each other very much and work hard to be a good team. It’s lovely, love and support is so very important and I just hope my BF sees that that’s all I want for us  :):

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## Paula

The times when Ive struggled most with my marriage have been when things have been at their worst and, far from my emotions being all over the place, I actually feel dead inside. Theres no emotion going on because I bury it to protect myself. I know in my head that I love my husband but I dont actually feel it itms. Maybe its similar for your OH?

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## Niffler

Thanks for the insight Paula, I can appreciate it must be so hard when you are struggling.  I want to understand so much. I never know whether he wants me give up on him but I am not willing to do that? Am I being silly?

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## Suzi

Paula - that's what Marc said to me. One day I told him I loved him and he told me that while he didn't feel that he loved me, he didn't feel anything. He knew that he had loved me before he crashed and he didn't think that would have changed, but he just didn't feel it. The same for our children. It hurt so much, but I knew that I had asked for honesty, I got honesty. So I told him that I loved him and our children enough for both of us and we'd carry on that way until he did know one way or another. That's what we did... and now he says that he loves me enough that he'd die for me.....

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## Niffler

:Panda:

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## Niffler

Ok so I have woke up this morning feeling terrible and I am not sure whether I should message him.....

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## Suzi

Why not focus on you?

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## Niffler

Yeah I’m trying just been for lunch with a friend. And have a plan to do a list of things I want to sort in the house. That will help  :):  off for a walk with my dog for some fresh air  :):

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## Suzi

Good for you!

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## Paula

What sort of dog have you got?

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## Niffler

A German Shepherd, he’s 3. I’ll try post a pic if I can figure out how! Been for my walk and now I’m just relaxing. Was going to head for a run but my back is sore so I’ll try tomorrow  :):

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## Suzi

Awwwww! We have 3 part shepherds - varying % of Shepherd lol... Our youngest is Crash and he's mostly Shepherd and just had his 1st birthday! They are all rescues - the older 2 from Romania and Crash is from Spain.

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## Niffler

This is Jax! Aw lovely, do you have pics? Jax is pure bred from police line and they are originally from Czech lines  :): 

http://rs1149.pbsrc.com/albums/o598/...h=480&fit=clip

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## Niffler

Haha one of our friends has just told me she spoke to him at work today and he had told her husband he wasn’t feeling well for the engagement we were meant to go to Saturday and her husband just responses saying I know. So he was asking her today how they knew so quickly and she just said that I’d spoke to her....does he expect me to not talk to anyone about how I am feeling?

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## Suzi

> This is Jax! Aw lovely, do you have pics? Jax is pure bred from police line and they are originally from Czech lines 
> 
> http://rs1149.pbsrc.com/albums/o598/...h=480&fit=clip


He's beautiful! 

We have Casey, 



Moiya:



Crash:

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## Niffler

Aw love them! They look like the best of friends too!!

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Suzi (19-02-18)

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## S deleted

I miss my puppy dog  :(:  now he was an incredibly handsome beast.

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## Niffler

It’s so hard to lose a pet. What did you have?

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## S deleted



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## Niffler

Aw he is handsome kind eyes

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## Paula

All so gorgeous .....

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## Suzi

So gorgeous! Paula has gorgeous dogs too!  :):

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## Niffler

Pics please

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## Paula

The white one is almost 11 yo Polo and the black one is 13 yo Luna

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## Niffler

Lovely!! I love greyhounds

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Paula (20-02-18)

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## Niffler

Ok, so it has been 4 days since we have spoken. That may seem like nothing but I feel like I should message him but I don't know what to say. I know I want to know what he means, as to whether he no longer wants our relationship or not but I am also conscious he has asked for space so any kind of pressure I put on him will make him feel worse....I have been keeping myself busy but the not knowing is really not good or fair on me. What do you ladies think?

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## S deleted

If it were me I’d probably have pushed for answers but there’s a reason lol. Someone once said that you have to give enough time for them to miss you and realise what they stand to lose. Sounds like good advice to me.

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## Suzi

I agree. I'd say wait a week and then send him a message - something along the lines of, "I haven't heard from you in a week which is fine as I know you needed some space, but I just wanted to check up on you and us" and see what is said... But then make it clear he can't do this to you as it's just not fair.

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## Niffler

So it’ll be a week tomorrow since the BF asked for space.....I have spoken to a mutual friend who works with him who has said he has been grumpy all week. He has attended a counselling session today and is out on his bike tomorrow. I have been stupid and been retreading our messages just before he asked for his space and I’m now leaning towards he wanted a break up. The friend has suggested to me not to contact him as you guys have as it will allow him time to miss me. But she also thinks if I go to him he will repeat this behaviour in future. As I’m still on the fence as to whether this means us breaking up or not I’m lying awake in bed so anxious and can’t sleep. I’m not sure what to expect as no one can tell me what to do or in fact tell me what he wants......this is so hard  :(:  x

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## Suzi

It is hard - it's the not knowing. But honestly your friend is right.

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## Paula

How are you today?

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## Niffler

I’m ok. I’m trying to stay strong. But the not knowing is driving me crazy. I have been focusing on myself all week and have done a few things around the house. I got my hair done yesterday but I have pretty bad anxiety today. I know I shouldn’t contact him but part of me knows he is too stubborn and proud to get in touch too. But if he still having a downer then it will be because he doesn’t feel good enough for me and that I’m just going to leave like everyone else. My patience is very very low now. As he knows he can talk to me and I know it isn’t that easy but he could just say whether he wanted to break up or not. He’s not clarified that. Space is fine as I know he needs it. Im just a little tired of being supportive now. I feel better than I did a few days ago but today I’m just feeling as though he doesn’t care. And like we’ve discussed it may be because he doesn’t feel anything. I’m keeping busy again today and I have plans for the weekend. Itlll be the evenings that are worst as I get no sleep due to being so anxious when I stop and come Monday I have no plans so I’ll feel worse.....I e applied to study for my PGCE. A bit late in life but I hate my current job and have always loved working with children so fingers crossed I get in but that won’t start for some time anyway. I can’t make him get in touch and I do think he needs to make the first move otherwise I am chasing him and during our relationship I have always supported him so if he doesn’t know that now I’m not sure what else I can say anyway......

Sorry for the rant. I spent most of the night playing over different scenarios in my head if he got in touch and we did actually talk and I know what I will say to him but he just needs to make that move.....the sun is out today so I am hoping he goes for a ride with his friend and chats to him a little and maybe see sense. I’m just so sad  :(:

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## Paula

Oh hunni  :Panda: . Im a bit old fashioned but could you perhaps send him a card just to say get well and that youre thinking of him? Its not putting any pressure on him, just letting him know youre there for him ..

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Suzi (23-02-18)

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## Niffler

Maybe a card is a good idea. I just don’t want to go round there.....I have keys to his place and a lot of his stuff.....

I’ll give it today, see if he gets out on his bike and messages me later on.....

Maybe a card tomorrow and get someone else to drop it off for me.....

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## Suzi

That's a great idea about the get well soon card..

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## Niffler

So he hasn’t been out with his friend. I am going to contact him. I cant just leave this and not contact him as it is just strange. I’ m currently drafting up what to write but no words are coming into my head as the response I am expecting is going to be negative......wish things were easy sometimes  :(:

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## Niffler

Ok I have messaged him.....I just wrote some along the line of what Suzi has suggested. Thanks for the card idea Paula. Was a great suggestion, that just would have taken me longer to sort and I’m at breaking point now. I’ll see what he says.....thanks for your support all xx

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## Niffler

He’s broken up with me....has said he loves me but he likes being on his own. And finds being in a relationship pressurising not that I have particularly done anything but a relationship is not for him. I’m utterly heart broken.....

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## Suzi

I'm so sorry it's finished lovely... Concentrate on being kind to yourself lovely...

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## Niffler

Saw a friend tonight, she knows me better than anyone. Talked to her about everything. She made me realise a few things. My BF has been seeing a counsellor and ever since then he has raved about her. The mutual friend he works with has seen the same woman. Now she has said although this counsellor is good, she is not amazing as my BF always made out. Both these discussions have led me to think that all this time my boyfriend has been trying to convince himself or even me that he is getting better. And he knows I am good for him. So in that way thinks I am too good for him and that is the pressure he is referring to. The pressure he puts on himself to be better for me.....am I making any sense? I have thought long and hard and I want to write him a letter. Not that I think it will achieve anything but I have feelings I need him to know. And I also want to leave him with something to help him on his journey to recovery. He wanted to be friends and I told him I couldn’t do that. That’s something I cannot do whilst still in love with him and I think that will be for a very long time. I am not sure whether this is sensible but it won’t feel finished to me until I do. This break up has unsettled me as there is no ‘reason’. I guess that’s the thing about depression and anxiety. It isn’t logical it is just a feeling that is out of our control. I just hope he knows what an impact he has had on my life and how much I am going to miss that. Maybe this letter won’t get that across but I can try.

Crying myself to sleep tonight won’t change anything but it’s all I can do tonight at least......

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## S deleted

Ok, I’m sorry about the break up and that you are hurting but I can’t let this go...




> I guess that’s the thing about depression and anxiety. It isn’t logical it is just a feeling that is out of our control.


What exactly are you trying to say? That he only broke up with you because of his illness? Believe me depression is not “just a feeling out of our control”. Do you have any idea how many people join this forum to help their partners with depression AFTER a break up? And how many of them blame the illness for the break up? Yes, depression does warp your thoughts, makes you push people away and act irrationally but it infuriates me when depression is always blamed for the break up. I’m gonna ask you now why you joined this forum and I want you to be honest. If he hadn’t asked for “space” and hurt you in the process would you really have sough out this forum?

I think the true reason so many broken hearts join here is to find a way back in using the illness as a back door. That they believe the partner doesn’t really mean it and it’s only the illness talking. As a sufferer myself I can tell you that depression is just as likely to make a person stay in a relationship they may not want to be in because they don’t have the courage to end it, or are scared they won’t find someone else cos no one else will want them. I also know how hard it is to be with someone when you’re not well and feeling smothered my their partner cos it’s all too much to deal with and it sounds like this is where your fellas at. It’s not about you having done anything wrong or him not lot loving you, but sometimes it’s easier to cope on your own. It’s hard work fighting your own mind and even harder having to worry about someone else as well.

I get that you’re hurting, I really do but if you love him it’s probably best to leave him be. Best for you and for him.

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## Niffler

This is actually the first forum I have been on since being with my partner that was actually helping me. I have been on other forums and no one responds. So when I found this forum it was my intention to stay due to the friendly and responsive nature of it.

In my state of mind when I posted this last night it was not my intention to summerise depression in one sentence but was merely to open up a conversation with people on here to gain some understanding. I have a brother who suffers from depression and has done for 20 odd years now and also have an Aunty who suffers with mental illness so I already have more of an understanding than you may think, however being in a relationship with someone who has a mental illness is very different.  I am sorry that you took offence to my post but that’s the thing about written words, they don’t always reflect exactly what you mean. Which in turn has answered my question and I won’t be writing him a letter.

I do not think he broke up with me just because of the illness because I know how hard it was for him to do in the first place. But that is the reason he has given me. So my last post was an attempt to gain some understanding as to why he felt he couldn’t tell me the main reason, if in fact it wasn’t his illness.

I did not and would not ever smother someone.

Again apologies for causing offence but I will be leaving the forum as I am clearly not welcome.

All the best.

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## S deleted

Hey it’s cool. Not saying you are smothering him, that’s not the same as feeling smothered. I broke up with someone a year ago for pretty much the same thing. I simply couldn’t cope with the pressure of a relationship. As I said it’s hard enough trying to cope with your own problems without having to worry about the effect you’re having on someone else. It’s easy to see yourself as a burden on others and “kinder” to end it than have them suffer alongside you. I know from your side that isn’t the way you see it but that doesn’t mean his decision isn’t right for him. It’s one less stress/worry to deal with and he probably doesn’t want to be alone but right now he can’t be in a relationship. By being “just friends” he gets to have you in his life without any pressure or commitment and that I think is unfair on you cos it sounds like you still want and need more from him than that and if he can’t offer that it’s definitely best for you to walk away. 

I wasn’t trying to be nasty, just making an observation that we got more broken hearts trying to get back with a depressed partner than people in a new relationship wanting help living with this illness of partners with new diagnoses looking for information which to me, I see a huge difference between them.

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## Suzi

Actually I'm going to disagree with Stella on this... I think you should write the letter - you need to get it out of your head and actually I think you might be partially right in what you are saying. 
I still vividly recall the time when my now husband said to me that he didn't know if he loved me or not. He knew he had loved me before he had a breakdown, and he couldn't see why it would have changed, but he didn't know how he felt there and then. He also didn't know if he was hungry or thirsty so I just switched on autopilot and made him food and a drink when I was doing something for anyone else. 
I told him that I loved him enough for both of us. Smothering? Maybe...

Don't leave the forum over 1 post lovely.. We aren't all going to agree all the time..

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## Niffler

Sorry ladies just the mindset I’m in at the moment. I totally understand that you don’t always agree and I never sought this forum out to hear what I wanted I just felt I had upset and that was never my intention. I had written the letter last night anyway and after seeing Stella’s post this morning I had decided not to. My initial thoughts were to leave it a few days anyway because I know yesterday would have been draining for him and I also know he is away collecting his new van that he has always wanted with a friend today (he told me yesterday). I’m unsure what to do at this point now. Our mutual friend is coming round for a brew this morning to check in on me and I’ll probably have a bit of a vent to her.

It’s funny Suzi seems so simple but I couldn’t put into words what I was meaning but that ‘love enough for both of us is exactly it’.

I don’t for one minute want him to do something that is not good for him but I honestly think that being alone is not the answer for him and maybe it is just something he feels works because he hasn’t met the right person.

This is all what I think and it’s all maybes but I’m a big believer in love and support going a long way to helping anyone.

Do you think this is me proving myself to him though?!? Does he need to know I’m strong enough?! I’m not sure that’s what it is.......

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Suzi (24-02-18)

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## Suzi

Maybe you just need to tell him how YOU feel?

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## Niffler

Ok, so letter has been sent. Whether he replies, I don’t know. Whether he even reads it, I don’t know but I was honest, caring and asked him to be honest back.

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## Suzi

Hope that you get an answer soon lovely. One way or another...

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## Niffler

No response from him but I’d expect he will take a bit to reply even if he did. But his mum messaged me this morning so I’m pretty sure his decision is made.

I just want to help him so much but I can’t be his friend when I still love him.

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## Suzi

What did his Mum say? 
Sweetheart never say never...

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## Niffler

Well my mum bakes and is making his cousins birthday cake. I had messaged his mum to get her partners number as he is organising it and I have taken myself off social media since this all happened because I can’t bear to see anything. She responded with the number and just said she’s sorry as her and his dad had bumped into him at the super market. We usually go round to hers on a Sunday night for tea so he’ll be there tonight. She said she didn’t know details but that it was none of her business. I just replied thanking her for the number and letting her know that I would never do that as putting her in the middle isn’t fair. She just replied saying it wasn’t that, it’s just that she didn’t think he would like her interfering. Which I know he wouldn’t and I get that because I wouldn’t either. I haven’t replied since as I don’t think there is any need to.

Right now I’m hurting, I’m hurting because I’m not really sure how he is and want to talk to him but I know that’s not good for me because it’ll make me hope. I know he hasn’t responded yet and that’s even if he’s going to but I think I am fooling myself. Hope is a very powerful thing isn’t it, and if you don’t have it life would be pretty sad but having sometimes really sucks as it makes things harder. Does that make sense?! I am keeping busy as is a must for break ups but this doesn’t feel right to me. And I’m not saying it has to for it to be right for him. I’m just confused I guess. During his ups and his downs he always loved the fact that I took care of him and I just wish he would have been able to tell me when he felt this pressure building as re-reading Stella’s post it is kind of sinking in that although he doesn’t want to be alone any pressure is hard for him......the letter I wrote had all my feelings down and how I wanted to support him but couldn’t be friends and I suppose never say never is true. But if I am not there for him now who’s to say he would ever want to open up to me again in the future.

I know I am waffling and all I really want is for him to reply to my message and say he is just having a tough time but really does need me in his life and sees a further with me. Because he has said it to me just recently......

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## Suzi

:(bear):  It's going to hurt until you know what's what lovely. Be kind to yourself

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## Paula

Oh lovely, Im so sorry  :Panda:

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## Niffler

Thanks ladies. I’ve still not heard from him but I am understanding a little more. It just hurts. This isn’t me feeling sorry for myself in any which way I just have supported him for so long and given him leeway on so many things that I just thought he felt the same.....I had debated posting his key back through his door but I may leave it for the week and give him some space and me and see if he is willing to talk later this week and we can get stuff back etc. I have woke up this morning feeling more like I possibly could be his friend but the thought of him with someone else tears me up inside.....is he being genuine do you think and wants me in his life that way or do you think he was just saying it?! I guess being in touc with him as a friend would hurt because I wouldn’t be able to gain from it what I want. I’m hoping some more time will give me clarity....

I have had counselling in the past and am looking to go back to help me process all this.

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## Suzi

I think counselling is a really sensible approach lovely. Don't forget there are specialist counselling services such as Relate - and you can go on your own.

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## Niffler

Thanks Suzi, there isn’t a relate near me. So I’ll try my old counsellor. He was more CBT really but will hopefully help.

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Suzi (26-02-18)

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## Paula

Friends can happen if thats what you both really want, but it takes time and you both need space. Im friends with my ex husband but we did have the added bond of our daughter. For now, Id suggest you get yourself sorted first and think about whats next when youre feeling strong enough to handle it

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Suzi (26-02-18)

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## Suzi

Absolutely agree with Paula. You need to work out how you feel and give yourself time to grieve what you thought you were going to have  - because  even if he does say that he wants you to get back together your relationship has changed....

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## Niffler

I am with you ladies. Although I don’t think he will want to get back together. Once his mind is made up that’s it. He always said as well that an ex is an ex for a reason. I keep going over things thinking I missed something and maybe he was trying to tell me this without directly saying it. I’m not a mind reader though and I guess if he can’t figure it out I’m not going to be able to.

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## Suzi

Just take it one day at a time lovely and make sure you build in time to do something nice and be kind to yourself...

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## Niffler

I’ve just heard that he has told someone our break up was because of our gap and the fact that he doesn’t want kids and apparently he doesn’t want to talk that choice away from me. Is this something that he is telling people and isn’t the real reason or is it that he can’t face up and tell me this and this is the pressure he felt. I am angry at him because we have never had these discussion. Sorry if I’m ranting but I’m so upset and have been worried sick about him and then I hear this stuff  :(:

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## Suzi

I'd be livid!!! How dare he be telling others what he hasn't had the decency to tell you. I'm so sorry lovely. This isn't depression, this is him being an arsehole.

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## Niffler

I’m so mad, upset and really want to go bang his bloody door down!

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## Suzi

I would too... Not a good idea though..... Time to sing "I will survive" loudly into a hairbrush and eat too much ice cream....

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## Niffler

If only, I’m besotted. What an idiot  :(:

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## Paula

Weve all trusted someone we shouldnt, love. Im glad youve been shown a little of who he really is

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## Niffler

Thanks ladies, I wish I’d have found this forum a when I first started searching over a year ago. I was looking for one like this to help me with understanding and helping my bf. But none were very good, now I’ve found you I don’t want to leave. Turns out he couldn’t be honest with me in the end, which hurts after all the support I’ve given him. Looking back it feels like he was never honest with me and I was always with him. Maybe that’s all part of his illness?! Or maybe like Suzi says he is just an arsehole who just so happens to suffer from depression.

Hindsight is a beautiful thing isn’t it, I don’t regret anything in life but maybe my choice in men isn’t great.....my previous long term relationship was with a narcissistic cheat 

I’m rambling again and I’m not meaning any offence by anything I have put  :):  x

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## Paula

You dont have to leave, hunni

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## Niffler

:(bear):  I’ll be sticking around then.....one question though....is there a way I can change my username?!  :(think):

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## Suzi

Not rambling at all, you are doing what this place is designed for and that's getting it out of your head! 


> I’ll be sticking around then.....one question though....is there a way I can change my username?!


 There is indeed, you pm me the name you would like to change it to and I change it for you  :O:  
Oh and I'm glad you want to stick around because I think you're lovely and it's always good to meet new people and make new friends  :O:

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## Paula

Sure, just pm me or Suzi with what you want to change it to and well sort it out

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## Niffler

[QUOTE=Suzi;351892 Oh and I'm glad you want to stick around because I think you're lovely and it's always good to meet new people and make new friends  :O: [/QUOTE]

Thank you, I think you guys are too  :(bear): 

Ill pop you ladies a message then.....now to get a bit more imaginative....

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## Suzi

Imaginative is always good  :O:

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## Niffler

Hi all, sorry for not being in touch for a few days. Have been trying to take care of myself. Have been keeping busy and been to the gym. Went to the doctors on Wednesday and they have kept my dose the same and she is happy with the effort I am putting in but wants to see me again soon.

Saw my exes Mum yesterday which set me back. She said he is bad and has been off work and at her house. She was genuinely asking after me and has told me not to wait around for him. Although she is saying he is struggling quite a bit. He has told her he got my message but wasn’t in the right frame of mine to reply so will reply when he is feeling better. I stilove him and am not waiting for him but am struggling to understand what she meant. She did say he couldn’t handle the guilt of not wanting children but I explained to her that we haven’t even discussed it. And she m it’s that because she knows what he is like. His dad is the same and as is his brother. She wants to keep in touch  and Sao I am a very caring person, so maybe she is just upset that things didn’t work out for us. Who knows. Just feeling flat now and want to help him anyway I can  :(:

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## Paula

I think, lovely, you need to let others help him - sometimes the best way to help someone you care about is to not help itms

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## Suzi

Sorry lovely, I completely agree with Paula....

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## Niffler

Thanks ladies I appreciate you listening/reading. He messaged me tonight, saying he missed me too, that he’s not been doing well and to top it off he had flu. He said he hoped I was ok. I just replied saying I was sad that it had come to this and I think we should and was here whenever he is ready.

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## Niffler

*think we should talk and I am here whenever he is ready

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## Suzi

That's all well and good lovely, but don't put your life on hold for someone who may not want to be in yours...

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## Niffler

I won’t Suzi, thank you. I’m getting on with things now. It’s up to him to come to me now......x

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## Suzi

How are you feeling today lovely? Got any plans for the day?

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## Niffler

Hey, I am feeling ok. I spent the day playing taxi for my parents as they had a few places to be. I think I’m finally getting a bit of closure. It was the not knowing what is best to do as I still feel I should be there but I get what you guys are saying now. I’ve always been there so it’s just something I’m not used to. I’m gonna get on with my life, it’s just starting to hit me more....this forum is fantastic xx

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## Paula

Have you got any plans for tomorrow?

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## Niffler

A meal out with the family for mother’s day and I’ll pop to the gym at some point but that’s it. How about you?

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## Suzi

I'm so pleased that you are beginning to put yourself first! That's so positive. 
Sounds like a lovely way to spend a day tomorrow! 

I'm planning on spending time with my children - I think we're planning on a movie and H is going to bake me a cake!  :):

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## Niffler

Thanks Suzi, it’s weird and unknown territory for me so I’m just trying to take each day. Night times are still pretty crappy but I’m getting there. Oooo cake, lovely. I’m hoping the sun comes out a little tomorrow  :):  x

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## Paula

> A meal out with the family for mothers day and Ill pop to the gym at some point but thats it. How about you?


Im going over to the Isle of Wight to see my parents new home for the first time  :):

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## Niffler

> I’m going over to the Isle of Wight to see my parents new home for the first time


Lovely, I have never been there. I hope you have a lovely trip  x

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Paula (12-03-18)

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## Suzi

Hope you have a lovely day today hunni x

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## Niffler

Had a nice day today, went for a run and a swim and spent some much needed time with my family. How was everyone else’s day?

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## QPRFan

Glad it was good  :):  . I went  for lunch with family which anxiety part was good and it was good to eat too.

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## Suzi

Sounds like a wonderful day! Mine has been spent watching movies!

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## Niffler

Hey guys, having a low night tonight. Can’t stop crying and I wish I wasn’t here  :(:  I don’t know what’s wrong with me how is everyone?

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## Paula

:Panda:

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## Suzi

I think everyone's having a c(ap day today  :(bear):  :Panda:

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## Niffler

Love and hugs to everyone

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## Suzi

Morning lovely, how are things today?

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## Flo

How are things on the Niffler front today? are you feeling any brighter? Crap seemed to be the order of the day yesterday eh? Are you doing anything today?xx :(bear):

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## Niffler

Seems that way guys, hope you are all ok! Today is a little better, I cried that much last night I made myself sick so I’m taking it easy today. I’ve been out for a walk with the dog but can’t bring myself to eat. The sun is shining here at least /)

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## Paula

Are you drinking, lovely?

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## Niffler

Yeah I’m drinking, being back at the gym I’m making myself drink water. I had a peppermint tea this morning. That’s supposed to help sore tummy’s I think. And after last night that’s part of the reason I can’t eat....that and I don’t really want to

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## Suzi

OK can you work out what you have been eating which could be an issue and start with small things you know are "safe"? I only ask as we're doing this with our youngest atm who is having horrible issues too.

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## Niffler

I’m vegetarian, gluten free and there is certain dairy products I can’t eat either, the only thing I can think is I had raw broccoli last night and it can cause people with dodgy tummies to have trouble digesting. But I’ve not been feeling great this week anyway due to low mood, so I think it’s a bit of everything Suzi :/ x

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## Niffler

> OK can you work out what you have been eating which could be an issue and start with small things you know are "safe"? I only ask as we're doing this with our youngest atm who is having horrible issues too.


Are you going through elimation process with the docs?

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## Suzi

My babies have all been dairy intolerant but grown out of it. Fern had managed to build up so she could eat some dairy, but with the joyful onset of puberty it's all kicked off again. Both my girls are veggie and I'm veggie with a developed pretty bad dairy allergy and can can only eat eggs in cake and a little mayo - but mostly vegan and both my husband and son eat meat so it's easy enough to cater for pretty much most dietary requirements. 
We're used to keeping food diaries so it's just back to basics for us. 

How are you doing today love?

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## Niffler

It’s once you figure out it gets easy to manage it’s the not knowing isn’t it?

I’m not too bad, I had to transfer him some money today as I owed him some so just sent him a message to say I’d done that. I’m feeling iffy today. Feel like I should have spotted something and feeling really stupid for caring this much when I don’t feel he does (he hasn’t even replied to me) but then I have moments where I feel guilty and know he’s ill and wouldn’t be doing this on purpose. Then I jump to being really angry at him for not having the decency to talk to me about the real reasons he broke up with me and he looks like the good guy because he did it for the better of what he ‘thought’ I wanted in the future but all it really was is that he can’t commit......then I switch back to feeling bad and that he can’t help it.

I’m making myself I’ll today. I. Trying to watch a film to refocus.

This forum and my close friend have been the only ones who have been with me on this horrible rollercoaster and I genuinely don’t know what I would have done without you. Emotional is probably the best way to sum it all up. I hatee it.

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## Paula

Theres going to be days like this, love. After my ex husband left I thought I was coping so well but, 3 months later, ended up standing in the shower screaming. Tomorrow will be better

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## Suzi

Give yourself some time and space.... It's all still really raw.... You have to allow yourself to grieve lovely.

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