# Help and Advice > Related Illness/medication/alternatives >  Loneliness

## purplefan

I don't know if this is in the right place or not, i don't think loneliness is an illness but it is related to depression. 
It was in the news today that loneliness is on the increase and they were looking at ways to deal with the situation.
I have experience of it myself and it is an easy way of life to slip into.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be own your own; it is fine. I think the problem happens when it affects your  way of thinking.
For example. Not washing yourself because you don't go out; or not cleaning your house because no one visits. 
That's when it becomes a problem and if you recognize these signs the it could become a serious problem, It is then you should see a doctor. You don't have to be lonely on your own, there are loads of stuff to keep you mind occupied. Even going out for a short brisk walk can be good. 
One of the thing our church dose is an outreach programme to visit the elderly, but what is happening more often is they are coming across a lot of professional people who are just too busy to have a social life. I don't really know they answer to being lonely but my point is not to let it affect you in a negative way.

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Paula (08-04-15),Suzi (08-04-15)

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## Samantha340

Loneliness is my biggest problem. Its not about being alone, but feeling alone. It gets to the point where I wonder what's the point if I can't share it with anybody. Like going on a walk, get your hair cut, cook a nice meal. I know people say do it for yourself. But it really does not matter to me.

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purplefan (08-04-15),Suzi (08-04-15)

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## magie06

I'm with you on this one. Loneliness is a problem for me too. I can be on my own from when I drop Aisling to school until I pick her up again at about 3. I go to the day centre three days a week which helps, and the other 2 days I find a problem.

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purplefan (08-04-15)

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## Paula

I'm in a similar situation in that I'm usually alone for 7/8 hours a day, but for an extrovert like me, it doesn't bother me anymore. I don't know what changed or how to change it. I do my study, my cross stitch and I perhaps see a friend 1/2 times a week, but I'm ok.  Maybe Its the dogs?

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## purplefan

> Loneliness is my biggest problem. Its not about being alone, but feeling alone. It gets to the point where I wonder what's the point if I can't share it with anybody. Like going on a walk, get your hair cut, cook a nice meal. I know people say do it for yourself. But it really does not matter to me.


I think samantha that you make a very interesting point about not being alone but feeling alone. It can begin to seep into your very being and consume your thoughts.
When you start to feel alone how do you break the cycle of negative thoughts?  Or is it a negative thought "Feeling alone"? I have heard you can feel alone in a crowded room, i have also heard you can enjoy your own company. Is there a balance we can achieve about being and feeling alone?

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## purplefan

> I'm in a similar situation in that I'm usually alone for 7/8 hours a day, but for an extrovert like me, it doesn't bother me anymore. I don't know what changed or how to change it. I do my study, my cross stitch and I perhaps see a friend 1/2 times a week, but I'm ok.  Maybe Its the dogs?


I think because as christians we are taught that you are never alone with God. I know prayer can be a great comfort when your alone it can help with negative thoughts, but it must still be pretty bad paula with the pain you go through?

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## Paula

You stopped me in my tracks there. You're right, I am never alone. I talk to God all the time and didn't even realise it  :): 

I'm a very practical person and, although I do have pain all the time, I manage it practically. I've learnt to manage and look after myself. My pain consultant recently wrote to my gp that I was managing daily life well .and he's right. It's when my depression and anxiety takes over that I struggle to cope

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## Samantha340

I definitely know this feeling of loneliness in a room full of people. Its more a like 'it doesn't matter if I am around or not' Maybe its attention seeking, but then I don't like being the centre of attention. I guess you have to be active to not feel lonely, join a club, precipitate in conversation, put yourself out there

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## Suzi

I've felt so alone in the past so I do understand. Now I'm lucky. I have you all to moan to! I think a lot of it comes down to the break down of society and communities.

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## Jarre

It is one thing my current job has helped as after 3 years working on my own at home on my own the comradery and just having people about I missed, now I am surrounded at work and days go quicker and I can enjoy the work again. At home I have only friends here, in my game, on other end of skype (H in Aus) and speak to C on the phone every other night.  if I don't keep my mind busy when at home it can set in especially since my cat buggered off and not considering another till I have moved in a year or so as want a better place and get apair so they have each other when I am at work.

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## purplefan

I know a lot of people jarre who would love to work from home and save on  commute. 
One man's dream is another man's nightmare.  
I think we all need to have human  company at sometime,  what is the point of being a hermit if nobody knows your one?
We all search out ways to cope with being lonely but we all need human company.

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## purplefan

Are we the cause of us being alone, Or is it other people?

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## Paula

Are you ok, hunni?

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## Suzi

You seem very thoughtful lovely, are you OK?

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## S deleted

A couple of weeks back I was on the bus home after a long day out and about and I was feeling bored and lonely so started to go through my phone to find someone I could text or call for a chat and that was when it hit me...of all the names and numbers I had in my phonebook there was only one I could just randomly calland she was busy that day with other stuff. I hadn't realised just how lonely my life had gotten to be. I can go days without leaving the house and don't really speak to anyone other than online. I'm a proper billy no mates.

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## Paula

Does that bother you? Because that's the key I think.  My late nan spent her final years in her flat, seeing few people and watching a lot of TV.  By choice despite her large family. She had 6 children and dozens of grandchildren but she said she'd been busy and surrounded by people her whole life - she wanted to be alone. She was never lonely though

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## purplefan

> A couple of weeks back I was on the bus home after a long day out and about and I was feeling bored and lonely so started to go through my phone to find someone I could text or call for a chat and that was when it hit me...of all the names and numbers I had in my phonebook there was only one I could just randomly calland she was busy that day with other stuff. I hadn't realised just how lonely my life had gotten to be. I can go days without leaving the house and don't really speak to anyone other than online. I'm a proper billy no mates.


Id rather have No mates than fake mates. I have one good friend stella and i can rely on him no matter what. He will do anything for me and vice versa.
Been my mate since i was 12. I have loads of different people i talk to but only one mate. One friend is a great thing.

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OldMike (18-12-15),Paula (09-04-15)

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## Suzi

I completely agree PF!

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## purplefan

> You seem very thoughtful lovely, are you OK?


Is being thoughtful unusual for me?  :(rofl):  I wanted to carry on the conversation as i find it interesting.

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## S deleted

> Does that bother you?


Generally, not so much, but sometimes it gets me down. I tend to stay out of the way as I'm surprisingly quite an anti-social person. I hadn't realised just how much I had retreated socially tho and that took me by surprise. Not sure how I feel about that overall.

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## Suzi

:Panda:  :Panda:

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## purplefan

I have to admit i am finding it hard work trying to stay positive. I have a few people that i can call friends, but i have noticed that it is always me who is phoning and asking people out for
coffee. I feel i have  got stuck in a rut and was hoping for some ideas on how to get out of it.
I dont have a problem with going to the pub on my own but as i am on medication i normally have a soft drink and people think it is a bit weird.
But i would never go to a restaurant on my own to eat.  i feel uncomfortable going to the cinema on my own, so are there any places where you could go and have a bit of fun and meet new people?

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## Paula

I'd call them, love! It doesn't matter who calls who, just whether you enjoy yourself

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## rose

You could go swimming. You could go to an art gallery or classical concert. You could go to more church services or to the cafe at church.

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## S deleted

I'm will you there mate. Nothing stopping me from doing all the things I enjoy alone, but doing them alone I lose the enjoyment. I've also found that if I don't contact anybody they don't bother with me, unless they want something.

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purplefan (18-05-15)

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## magie06

I think that you are not the only one who has frirnds like that. I have to do all the calling and the visiting or I don't hear from any of my friends
I'm the one who organises coffee or drinks out or in one another's homes . Its difficult but when I asked about it, they just said that I was best at it! Maybe your friends are like mine, take it as a compliment.

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## mitz

have you tried looking at meetup.com? just normal people setting up their own groups and inviting others along. it is a national website and you can search in your area. all sorts of groups there. I guess depending where you live will depend on how many people have set up groups. you can set up your own too. have a look, it's really good.

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## mitz

there are loads of groups where I live from cinema to dinner, cooking, sports, dating, dog walking, camping, trips, holidays, spiritual stuff, board games, music, coffee, book clubs....tonnes of things, but I live in a city. it's nice as you don't have to commit to a regular group, you can join and just go accept an invite when you can.

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## mitz

or you can set up your own coffee or cinema group if there isn't one near you!?

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## Suzi

Darling you are in Surrey now, shouldn't you be taking up golf?  :(rofl):

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## purplefan

Golf? Pit and put is more my style. 
Mitz thanks for the suggestions, i will lookinto them but i have to admit i am a bit wary of internet meet up. I like to meet people through social events arranged by people i know, but that sounds quite fun. I hate going to a restaurant to eat on my own.  Your at the table all alone and everybody else is with someone. Even Chinese buffets. I feel as if everyone is staring at me. "look at Billy nio mates over there".

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## mitz

oh yes I know, I can't go out to eat on my own either - I don't mind going out for coffee/sandwich on my own during the day with a book or something though, but not for a proper dinner, I would find it really lonely!  it is a bit scarey going on a meet up on your own - but I've done it a few times now with different groups....and really it is fine, as everyone else is in the same boat.  When you join the website, you create a 'profile' (you don't have to put much on it) but everyone else has got one, and when you join a group and accept an invite to something it shows everyone else who has RSVP'd for that event' so you know who is going (although some people cancel or something at the last minute), and there is also conversation board so you can chat before you go or ask the events organiser something; or message people privately.  Actually a few times I made arrangements with a couple of ladies to  meet outside the venue , so I didn't have to go in alone.  But it really is fine, nothing to be wary of - its really popular and lots of people do it, so I'd definitely recommend it if you are looking for social activities to do with others - you might find a new hobby!

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## purplefan

Defenitly going to look into it mitz sounds like you had a really good experience.  I do enjoy eating out and it is nice to share the experience. 

I get fed up taking the lead and phoning up. it would be nice if it was the other way round. In my church for example, I got invite round for coffee and a meal and there is no problem there but having a night out
no one seems to do it. its worse during the summer holidays.

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## mitz

i hope you find a good group or two! yes it was a good experience.  Having said all that I haven't got involved for ages, well not till before the last time I was unwell, but I'm feeling a bit better, so I will look at what is going on again. I find loneliness horrible, I get very lonely too, but |I seem to have felt lonely forever!  Funnily enough more so in the summer months, I think its because the days are longer, so it feels like more time to fill, and everyone is out 'looking' like they are enjoying themselves out and about with family etc enjoying the weather and longer days and nights.

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## purplefan

Mitz if there is one  thing in this world i could cure it would be loneliness. 

You could be in a crowded room and still feel the loneliest person in  the world. I have a lovely family and since i moved in with them, i have lost touch with the people i knew in London.
At my age it is so hard to start again.
I dont want to use my church as a social club at the moment it is the only social outlet i have. I even stopped going to the football and that hurt me as i loved it and i pondered about going to a new club but i just cant, and most of the social activities involve having someone with you.

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## Paula

Pf you're not that old, you're around the same age as my dad and they've moved 100s of miles and have had to start again making a social life.  He suffers from depression, anxiety, OCD, and social phobia so it wasn't easy, especially as he moved a few months before my mum, who he'd always relied on to be the social one.  I don't want to be harsh, but I think you're lonely because you're scared of making the effort, not because you can't have a social life out of London  :(bear):

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purplefan (20-05-15)

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## purplefan

I don't know if that is true (about making the effort) The friends i did have were connected to Either my work or football, And it is hard starting new friendships. I do enjoy my art class but i have bonded well with the people in it. I di make friends when i was in the sanctuary and I have not seen them since. Remember when i was in there, i was really excited about paul and how we were going to keep in touch? I phoned two or three times and arranged to meet but he canceled. 
Perhaps it is my depression that puts me off? If you dont like yourself, then how are other people going to like you? (just a thought)

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## Paula

I've been there - and I firmly believe it's that most people really don't want any reminders of that horrible time

I've had depression all my life and have good friends. Your friends were from work and football, I think (please correct me if I'm wrong) because you spent all your time at work or football.  That's now not the case, but doesn't mean you can't make friends elsewhere. You just have to get out there and try, hard, I know, that it is x

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## S deleted

Having travelled the country with my hobbies I've met a lot of people over the years but I do struggle making and maintaining close friendships and relationships. I understand how difficult I can be with my mood swings. Of course with depression the strong pull to withdraw from society and protect yourself from further hurt doesn't help.

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## Suzi

I don't think that's only a sign of depression, I think that we all meet people and then move away and so friendships/support all changes...

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## mitz

yes loneliness can be a difficult one. some people can be alone and not feel lonely. I think is more to do with what you think you should have in life, compared with what you actually do have. so about expectations. but we are all social animals of course, and are meant to live in tribes/groups, so its natural to want company.  I don't think there is anything 'wrong' as such about feeling lonely - its a very normal human emotion - particularly in our society which perpetuates loneliness and individualism.   So its okay to feel lonely and accepting the loneliness can help, if you can do that.  Its good your have connection to the church, as that is a good way of connecting - to a community and to a higher purpose. Sometimes its nice to remember that you are always connected to something even if you can't 'see' it, as you are connected and part of the universe and you can never really be alone.  I know that doesn't always help when you are feeling very lonely and down.

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purplefan (05-06-15)

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## purplefan

mitz.
Thanks for that, thats a very helpful post. Sometimes when i am sitting in starbucks on my own having a coffee and see people come in and chat away dose make me feel i want to have more friends. I do like my own company (but i want to get out more)

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## Lee-SW

I suffer from loneliness and it's the worst feeling. I don't have a partner, whereas most of my friends do. Through no fault, many friends just don't keep in touch as they have busy lives. I'm not 'alone' in some sense, as I am very busy meeting people, and new people, with my work (although they are often much older). More often than not I end up alone at home, at the cinema or even on holiday and that has now become a big problem.

Often it's more that I don't know enough people to 'relate' to; loneliness is a feeling and not always a physical thing.

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## OldMike

This is how I see it :-

~ Being alone is not loneliness.
~ Being alone and not wanting to be alone that is loneliness.

Others may not agree with this, it's just my personal definition.

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purplefan (10-12-15),selena (09-12-15),Suzi (09-12-15)

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## purplefan

I think it is a good definition mike.
Hi lee.sw.
 I was in the same predicament a few years ago. After my divorce i found i was the only one of my friends who was not married. Suddenly i was a loose wheel.
No one called me so i ended up staying it.
it was not easy but i had to go and make new friends. I joined the church witch was a big help but there are loads of stuff you could do.
voluntary work for example.  I know it is a tough situation but coming on the net is a big way to meet people. These guys have become my friends and although we have never met we share a lot.

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Suzi (10-12-15)

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## Lee-SW

Thank you, purplefan. I don't want to join a church, a choir or anything that involves much older people. I run choirs as part of my work, and am surrounded by oldies all the time. I also sing in a band, which I love, but again it is made up of older people. Which would be fine if it were balanced out by being with friends my own age. I know I work more hours than I should as I'm constantly trying to fill my time. I'm 47 and feel 77. I'm interested in the arts. Can't bear amateur dramatics. I would just love to have somewhere to go, even once a week, to be with younger people. Anyone have any ideas?

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## OldMike

Hey what's wrong with us older folks  :P: 

Was going to suggest amateur dramatics not necessarily acting but the backstage stuff like making or painting scenery and the likes, but looks like you've ruled that out.

Are there art groups/clubs near where you live where you could go? To maybe discuss/show paintings, drawings, ceramics or poetry etc.

Are there any book clubs near you? Where you read designated books then meet up to discuss what you've read.

What about a local technical college they may have art classes there.

Just a few ideas.

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purplefan (10-12-15)

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## purplefan

I know! i'm an absolute delight to know. 

I look fab in my 16inch purple flairs plat form shoes and cheese cloth  shirt and psychedelic hair. I keep up with all the latest fashion and music.
Is the grateful dead still on the go?

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## purplefan

> Thank you, purplefan. I don't want to join a church, a choir or anything that involves much older people. I run choirs as part of my work, and am surrounded by oldies all the time. I also sing in a band, which I love, but again it is made up of older people. Which would be fine if it were balanced out by being with friends my own age. I know I work more hours than I should as I'm constantly trying to fill my time. I'm 47 and feel 77. I'm interested in the arts. Can't bear amateur dramatics. I would just love to have somewhere to go, even once a week, to be with younger people. Anyone have any ideas?


You dont have to join a church.  Why not check out your local Library to see whats going on in your area. its hard when you get stuck in a rut but making the effort is always worth it.

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OldMike (10-12-15)

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## Suzi

What about something completely different? What about taking an adult ed course in something? What about volunteering?

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OldMike (10-12-15),purplefan (10-12-15)

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## April_is_beautiful

I think I can relate to people easily, I can 'see' them but I feel they cannot 'see' me and my true essence. I have been to a lot of meetup groups but don't feel I really 'connect' with anyone. I'll have a nice time interacting with their personas but feel exhausted after 2-3 hours and want to be alone.

I found with the London groups that people just seemed to use each other for those few hours. I'd get asked for my number but then I'd never hear from them again. People just seem to be happy with many superficial acquaintances rather than pursuing meaningful friendships. It seems to be a cultural or generational thing. I got fed up of it.  I used to be happy 'masturdating' (constantly going on dates with myself) but even that begins to suck after a while.

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## purplefan

Hi April i wonder if it is just down to people not having the time anymore to make real friends? I myself have only 1 friend he was from school and we are like brothers. 
I have always workes so the people i knew were from my family and work. I never had the time to go out and socialize and i am thinking thats why people find it harder. 
Dont give up though. Keep at it.

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## April_is_beautiful

> Hi April i wonder if it is just down to people not having the time anymore to make real friends? I myself have only 1 friend he was from school and we are like brothers. 
> I have always workes so the people i knew were from my family and work. I never had the time to go out and socialize and i am thinking thats why people find it harder. 
> Dont give up though. Keep at it.


Hi purplefan, I think that is a reason for sure. I had depression at school and obviously other teenagers couldn't cope with that, I felt let down and I was too messed up at the time to maintain any friendships. I made one friend in sixth form but she died from MS. I was kicked out of sixth form for being too ill and not attending. I find this time in my life too painful to talk about. I kept in touch with some people from uni but lost two of those friends this year with them demonstrating some very bizarre behaviour.

I made some superficial friends from work but it always fizzled out as they had a husband and families, were too busy and any spare time they seemed to prefer hanging out with other families in the "mummy club". I'd love to reengage with past colleagues but understand their families come first.

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