# Other > DWD/depression and the media >  My depression blog by ex-professional footballer.

## Howfootballruined

I am an ex-professional footballer who is battling depression. I decided to document my experiences in a blog to help raise awareness of mental health issues in professional sport. Feedback is appreciated, good or bad. Thanks.


https://howfootballruinedmylife.word...a-down-period/

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## Suzi

I have approved this posting. 


Welcome to DWD. I thought your blog was really good! Thank you for sharing.

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Angie (03-06-15),Paula (03-06-15)

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## Howfootballruined

Thank you very much Suzi. Hopefully others can relate to my battles.

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Suzi (04-06-15)

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## rose

Welcome to DWD  :(hi):

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## Paula

Hi and welcome  :(hi): . Your blog post is brilliant and I know many members here, including me, will relate to it very much.  Please don't answer if you feel you can't right now, but I was wondering how football ruined your life?

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## Howfootballruined

> Hi and welcome . Your blog post is brilliant and I know many members here, including me, will relate to it very much.  Please don't answer if you feel you can't right now, but I was wondering how football ruined your life?


Thank you for the feedback.

I don't mean it in a literal sense but my experiences as a player contributed to my mental health deteriorating over a long period of time. I just thought it sounded like a good title for a blog. My life is still defined by what I did many years ago.

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## purplefan

Been reading it and thought it very good. I am pleased you are taking anti depressants and getting counselling. I hope your wife is reclining support as it will be tough on her also. 
Football is not a good sport for recognizing depression. Gary speed 1 case in point.  Might be a good idea to contact football clubs to see if they have anything on how to tackle depression in youngsters.

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## Howfootballruined

https://howfootballruinedmylife.word...ife-too-short/

My new blog reveals my position and the reasons why I felt I needed to. Feedback as always is appreciated, good or bad.

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## Howfootballruined

https://howfootballruinedmylife.word...6/rock-bottom/

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## rose

Hiya, I just read your blog post, there were times I thought I had hit rock bottom, and unfortunately yes it can get worse. Are you getting any support from your doctor/care team right now? Please, make a nuisance of yourself to whoever is involved in your care to get some help.

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## Paula

Please, please see your Dr. It may be you need a meds review, you may need more support.  There is always a way up from rock bottom

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## Suzi

I hope you've got the help you need.

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## Forever Autumn

I have just read your blog entries. I commend you for your honesty and openness. You are very articulate, and write well.

I am very sorry that you are feeling so low. I have thankfully never been anywhere near as low as you are, and it sounds a very dark and scary place to be. I admire your courage in putting your deepest thoughts out into the public arena.

I was thinking after I read your blog how much it reminded me of Clarke Carlisle's story (I read his autobiography), and the book about the German player you mentioned. It struck me as very sad that people define themselves by their success (or perceived lack of). I have spent much of my life feeling like a failure, as I didn't do very well at school as I am not academic, and feel I don't have many talents in areas where success can be measured.  I struggled at work, always thinking that I wasn't doing as well as I should be. I had to leave work many years ago after struggling on with ME/CFS, until my body couldn't do it any more, and I also crashed mentally, though not nearly as badly as you Have. Both my long-term relationships have failed, one of them last year, and I often look back and think I don't feel my life has exactly been a roaring success! My life circumstances at the moment, and in the future, are looking pretty bleak at the moment, and I am scared to death about how I'm going to manage financially, and emotionally as my family will be moving away within the next year or so, and thinking about that breaks my heart. I can't see the way ahead at the moment, and have never felt so vulnerable.

I didn't write this to offload my woes, but to explain where I am coming from. I fortunately have a strong faith, and I think that's all that's keeping me from falling into total despair. I have come to realise that success, as the world defines it, counts for very little. It is the person you are that matters, how you live and love, and help others along the way. I can tell that you are a very strong person for having carried on until you reached your breaking point, and you are very brave for writing down your thoughts for all to see, I don't think I'd have the courage to do that.

Many of us reach a point in our lives where what we used to do/be doesn't  work any more. It's a very scary place to be, but it can be an opportunity to learn and grow, and potentially have a more fulfilling future as we mature into the person we were meant to be, when parts of us are stripped away, to reveal something better and stronger. I don't want to come across as preachy and having all the answers; I know that I have a very long way to go to become the person I was made to be. I do know that God completely loves and accepts me where I am now, and that He is always with me, gently encouraging me and growing me, and loving me unconditionally, much more than I can get my head round. In my darkest moments I can still feel very alone, but deep down I know that I'm not. There is a beautiful poem called "Footprints", which gives me a lot of comfort.

I haven't posted on here for ages, because due to my ME I find it quite draining to put my thoughts into a cohesive form, so try to conserve my energy for the things I have to do.I truly hope and pray that you find your way out of the dark, painful place you are in, and wish you a brighter, happier future, though that might seem impossible to imagine now.

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## Howfootballruined

A lesson learnt. Depression never leaves you.

https://howfootballruinedmylife.word...lesson-learnt/

This blog post is, I feel as raw and uncut as I have ever wrote. It is how I feel at this exact moment and I make no apologies for that. After it wouldn't be a very good blog if I diluted my thoughts and didn't explain what it's like to suffer with depression.

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## Suzi

So honest...  :(bear):

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## Paula

:Panda:  one of the worst symptoms of this illness is we believe we're ruining everyone's lives around us, and it's all our fault.  It's not. And I hope you can begin to realise this as you work through to wellness

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## Howfootballruined

This blog post is very dark and if your not in a positive frame of mind you might be best avoiding it. 

It is however me baring my soul and being completely honest about how I feel. No bull :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: , undiluted and honest. 



https://howfootballruinedmylife.word...-is-the-point/

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## Paula

Hunni, I've added a trigger warning to this post as you've discussed very difficult subjects for some members

Have you told your Drs how you are feeling? Please, please, please get help - if you're not safe go to A&E or call the Samaritans, please

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## Suzi

It's good that you can be open and honest about how you are feeling, but I reiterate what Paula has said - please, please, please get some help. .

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## purplefan

That was a very scary thing to read and highlights how depression affects the mind. I have to agree with the others that you have to see someone. So many people have not.
Including Gary speed. This is an article that if you read i am sure you will find the strength to get help and also help other footballers.
Admitting you have depression in football is so taboo. You could make the first move to open this subject up.

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## Justin Tolerable

Genuinely interesting blog. I only meant to read the blog entry that was linked to, but I ended up reading another dozen and then my eyes tired (I get eye strain easily).

Hang in there, bud.

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## Howfootballruined

When I started the blog I had three things in mind.
- To raise awareness of mental health/depression in men.
- To raise awareness of mental health/depression in professional football.
- To aid my recovery if at all possible.

To help continue raising awareness I have started a page on facebook. If you could take time to like and share my original blog post posted on there I would be immensely grateful. Thanks a lot.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/How-F...ref=ts&fref=ts

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## Howfootballruined

Finally something positive.

https://howfootballruinedmylife.word...hing-positive/

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## Suzi

It's great that you have been put in contact with someone who could help. I'm really pleased for you.

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## Paula

That's good news  :):

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## Howfootballruined

Thank you for the positive messages Suzi/Paula. I am reading the forum and when I get myself in a better place I intend to contribute a lot more.

https://howfootballruinedmylife.word...ychotherapist/

Not a good day but I am trying at least.

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## Howfootballruined

I have been quiet lately but it's there stalking me. I'm on the brink of a crippling down period. This is my first blog for a month. The catalyst is insomnia and rejection. 

As always I really appreciate any feedback and interaction, good or bad.

https://howfootballruinedmylife.word...5/09/06/limbo/

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## Suzi

:Panda:  It's a good thing that you are aware of it. Hang on in there lovely x

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## Paula

:(bear):

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## Howfootballruined

https://howfootballruinedmylife.word...those-closest/

Bits. In total bits.

To those who have sent me personal messages I will reply I due course. Thanks a lot.

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## Suzi

:(bear):  You can get trough this...

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## Paula

My children have had to cope with my ill health, and they have. My approach was to be honest with them (age appropriate ) so they understood what was happening. And they're brilliant at dealing with it all

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## Howfootballruined

I'm having a tough time at the moment. Just getting through life.


https://howfootballruinedmylife.word...9/23/identity/

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## Suzi

:Panda:  You could always try taking to us? It might help?

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## Howfootballruined

https://howfootballruinedmylife.word...uggle-goes-on/

On it goes. Relentless.

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## Howfootballruined

> You could always try taking to us? It might help?


I wouldn't know where to start Suzi.

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## selena

Write what is on your soul, I mean what you Can share here...

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## rose

Hey, please go back to your doctor and ask for more help. Who looks after you, is it GP, CMHT?

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## rose

I second Suzi's post, that you might find it helps to talk. Even about little things.

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## Suzi

Doesn't really matter where you start, just start x

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## Paula

My psychiatrist told me, when I was rock bottom and sure there was no way of coming up again, that there is ALWAYS a way. It might mean some to ing and fro ing to find the right way for you, but it is possible. I've suffered depression for 25 years, but this psychiatrist has managed to keep me on a relatively even keel for over 3 years to date. Please don't give up

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## Howfootballruined

https://howfootballruinedmylife.word...re-struggling/

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## Suzi

It'd be great to see you posting on the boards as well as just adding links..  :O:

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## Howfootballruined

> It'd be great to see you posting on the boards as well as just adding links..


I would just feel like a hypocrit. I will endeavour to try though I promise.

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## Howfootballruined

https://howfootballruinedmylife.word...06/its-coming/

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## OldMike

> https://howfootballruinedmylife.word...06/its-coming/





> It'd be great to see you posting on the boards as well as just adding links..


I agree with Suzi just post here rather than just post links.

I've followed the link you posted and read your blog which describes the feelings of depression very eloquently.

Have you seen your GP or got counselling?

Could you not use your obvious talent of writing to a more positive effect?

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## Suzi

Why would you feel like a hypocrite?

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## Paula

Talking here rather through a blog gives you the option of talking with people who truly understand what you're going through. For instance, I want to tell you that there are some (many) people who are able to cope with living with someone who has depression, that, at 33, your life isn't over and you can start anew.  But that's a conversation to have, and reading a blog is not the same

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Suzi (06-12-15)

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## rose

Yeh, come on, talk to us, we don't bite and we might be able to help  :O:

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## OldMike

> Talking here rather through a blog gives you the option of talking with people who truly understand what you're going through. For instance, I want to tell you that there are some (many) people who are able to cope with living with someone who has depression, that, at 33, your life isn't over and you can start anew.  But that's a conversation to have, and reading a blog is not the same


Posting a blog is ok but you need to follow that up with a two way conversation on a forum like DWD.

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## Howfootballruined

So I came on with the intent of posting on other threads but I just can't tell people to do things/don't do things when I can't do them myself!!

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## Paula

Then talk to us here about what's going on. Not as a blog, but as friends, with people who know what you feel and will support you

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## OldMike

> Then talk to us here about what's going on. Not as a blog, but as friends, with people who know what you feel and will support you


I can't add to what Paula said, just talk to us here.

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## Suzi

Sometimes just letting someone know they aren't alone is amazing. Really though, talk to us. Tell us about you, how are you feeling? What's your favourite colour/tv show/music etc?

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## Howfootballruined

Long time no update. I have still be blogging but I was aware I wasn't contributing to the forum and didn't want to push my welcome by being seen to just dropping a post and not returning. Things are much the same. Anyway if anyone wants a read my latest one it's here and the links to previous ones are on there.

https://howfootballruinedmylife.word.../a-broken-man/

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## Paula

> Sometimes just letting someone know they aren't alone is amazing. Really though, talk to us. Tell us about you, how are you feeling? What's your favourite colour/tv show/music etc?


You're with friends here. We're not going to run away just because you're ill, I promise.  We all know those feelings - losing friends, loneliness, hiding behind a mask - but giving into those feelings, hiding away is not the answer (though anyone here will tell you I did exactly that earlier on this year and it took a real kick up the backside from the amazing friends I've made here to get me to face real life).

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Flo (12-11-16)

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## Prycejosh1987

Wow. Professional footballers are the luckiest people on the planet. I would say more than actors, in terms of appeal, success and job. They are fit people, and i am not just talking about looks and figure i mean as health wise too. It goes to show you that depression really has no boundaries. Mental health assessments and tips can help anyone too. There is 2 sides to every coin i suppose.

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