# Help and Advice > Coping with Depression >  Trials and tribulations of a Yorkshire pudding

## Jaquaia

Noticed how long my last thread was so lets start again!!!




> Well done, hunni. Do you believe you can do this yet?


I'm always going to worry. I think it's just a part of who I am. I need at least 30% on my next TMA and my EMA, and I know logically that I can get that without even trying, but I still worry. 

I was told by someone the other day that I have a beautiful, caring heart and will make an excellent counsellor. Yet I'm terrified of starting that course, never mind actually passing it, because I'm not convinced I'm good enough.

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## Suzi

What an awesome thread title! 

You are more than good enough. I promise. I wouldn't lie to you over something this important or serious...

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Allalone (24-04-19),Jaquaia (24-04-19),Paula (24-04-19)

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## Allalone

I love the title Jaq!

I’m with Suzi, you are definitely more than good enough. From what I know of you on here, you would make a fantastic counsellor.

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Jaquaia (24-04-19),Suzi (24-04-19)

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## Jaquaia

Thank you ladies. I don't think I've ever not doubted myself. I know I'm capable but I don't believe it itms?

Today is not exactly going great. J has had to leave early as he needs to help his mum take one of the cats to the vets. It's TOTM and I feel really uncomfortable because of stomach ache. It's bad enough to be bothering me but that's possibly because I haven't had one in 3 months. It's bad enough that I'm going to take some painkillers though. And I seem to have had a reaction to something. I have lots of little spots all over my arms and backs of my hands. My right arm is a lot worse then my left and my upper arm feels slightly burny.

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## Allalone

It totally makes sense, I doubt myself too. 

Big hugs flying your way. Take care this afternoon.
 :(bear):  :Panda:

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Jaquaia (24-04-19)

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## OldMike

Love the title Jaq, you're more than good enough, having seen your posts on here and on FB you'll make an excellent counsellor  :(bear):

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Jaquaia (24-04-19)

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## Mira

How are you doing now? How are the spots?

I like the new title a lot too. And I agree with that person that made the comment about your caring heart. That is something we can all see. Nobody doubts if you are are capable.

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## Jaquaia

I'm ok. Ibuprofen has helped the cramps and my arms still has a rash but isn't itchy or burny now so it's settling down. Going to settle down and watch TV tonight I think and start, well continue with, my assignment after my driving lesson tomorrow.

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## Paula

Are you still working 7 days a week?

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## Suzi

I hope that your resting now.....

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## Jaquaia

I haven't done any work for a few days. Not really felt up to it. I need to crack on though. 80% on this last TMA and 85% on my EMA would mean I will pass this module with a distinction too and I'd like to do that. I want to push myself to do as well as I can do.

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## Suzi

Pushing yourself is fine, but not to the detriment of your well being...

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## Jaquaia

I have 2 assignments left, my EMA isn't due until the end of May so I'm not having to catch up and have loads of time to work on that so can take rest days  :):

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## Suzi

Hold on.... You're actually pacing? You? Bloody hell! That's awesome!

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## Allalone

Well done on pacing Jaq! Could you pass some tips on to me!! :(giggle):

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## Jaquaia

> Hold on.... You're actually pacing? You? Bloody hell! That's awesome!


Oi!!! Pot and kettle!!!  :(rofl): 




> Well done on pacing Jaq! Could you pass some tips on to me!!


It's assignment time, I think I'd rather scrub the loo then work... that and lots of TV to catch up on  :(giggle): 

Driving lesson didn't start great! I think I ballsed everything up in the first 5 minutes. But settled down, had very little instruction and dealt well with having to stop and start again, even if I did brake a little late the second time. My speed is getting better too. Overall I think I did pretty well!!!

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## Paula

Jess screwed up the first 10 minutes of her driving test. Her instructor told her afterwards that he was convinced she was going to fail but she calmed down and did so well during the rest of it that he passed as she showed him she could drive. What Im trying to say is that we all balls up sometimes, but that doesnt mean we cant drive. And it sounds like youve got that - Im so proud of you  :):

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Jaquaia (25-04-19)

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## Jaquaia

I surprised myself as I didn't beat myself up about it. And I'm able to pick up on things I'm doing well , not just things that need work. I think it's the first time I've ever taken more positives then negatives away from something and not let the negatives affect my mood.

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Paula (25-04-19)

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## Suzi

On my test I managed to lock the examiner out of the car, set off the wipers rather than indicate, indicate right when I wanted to go left, and all before I left the car park.... I still passed! 

I'm so proud of you!!

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Jaquaia (25-04-19)

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## Jaquaia

I managed to whack the indicator a few times and instead of indicating I put full beam on!!! But I can see a lot of improvements since I started learning with Bob.

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## magie06

Congratulations on your lesson. Just imagine how nervous you would still be if you had stayed with the other instructor. You are doing great and deserve a pat on the back. 
Oh and I'm impressed that you are pacing!!! Well done. (I'm just not sure that laundry hasn't been done or beds changed while you were pacing)!!!  :(rofl):

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Jaquaia (25-04-19)

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## Suzi

> I can see a lot of improvements since I started learning with Bob.


I wanted to highlight this! This is AMAZING!

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## Jaquaia

He's actually very easy to talk to so I feel comfortable enough to talk about the how dark my head can be with him and how that affects me. He understands that my anxiety is almost as if my head is wired differently and affects my judgement when behind the wheel and never tries to force anything, he lets me logic things out and take it at my own pace and that helps me an enormous amount.

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## Suzi

Good!

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## Allalone

Jaq, I’m so pleased you’re enjoying your driving lessons now. I enjoy driving, just having that freedom is amazing. You will have it too one day. Keep it up, you’re doing fantastic!

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Jaquaia (25-04-19)

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## OldMike

Sounds like you're really enjoying learning to drive since Bob became your instructor, keep up the good work you're getting there, a big pat on the back I'm proud of you.

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Jaquaia (26-04-19)

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## Suzi

Morning lovely! How are you today?

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## Jaquaia

I'm exhausted. I was woken up at 3am by a horrible smell. Talia had an accident on her bed again and was clinging to the clean bit. So clean that up, stripped her bed and then struggled to get back to sleep

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## Flo

Ugh!!...we were woken up about the same time with next doors dog barking (he's usually quiet) which went on for about 20 minutes. I think it must have been a cat or something. It took ages to get back to sleep again. Great you're enjoying your lessons. It makes such a difference if you have an instructor you click with.

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## Suzi

Do you know why Talia is difficult at night?

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## Paula

Is it worth talking to the vet?

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## Jaquaia

Not sure really. Last night she couldn't hold her bowels. The last few nights she has stayed on her own bed.

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## Paula

Ring them, what harm can that do?

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## Suzi

If she can't hold her bowels does that mean she's eaten something she shouldn't have or it could be something worse?

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## Jaquaia

Eaten something she shouldn't have, my dad gave her some of his burger.... she's usually on grain free kibble and either a touch of natural yoghurt or dried sprats/oily fish/chicken

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## Flo

Brings back memories Jaq. Our greyhound was the same as Talia. She had bowel problems too, and ate much the same as yours did because her stomach was so sensitive. One of the grandkids gave her some toast with butter plus peanut butter which she sucked back without tasting! She was pooing through the eye of a needle within a few hours. She was 12 then. I guess it's like elderly folk when it comes to diet, just can't tolerate rich stuff. The dogs adore it, but the owner doesn't like the after effects! Hope she's better now. Arrowroot powder put in her water bowl is a stomach calming remedy. I swear by it.

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## Suzi

Poor love.. 

OO didn't know that about arrowroot! Thanks for the tip!

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## Jaquaia

She's 7 next month Flo. Her kibble is usually salmon and potato, she gets the odd bit of raw chicken and usually a carrot or bit of banana or apple and her stomach is fine but my parents often sneak her things. If she doesn't eat for a few days my mum will do her toast...

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## Flo

I've just asked you how Talia is on another thread...duh! guess she's coming along ok now. Bless her. You're so good with her. But they're lovely company and they make it all worth it.

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## Suzi

Goats milk settles tummies too in dogs. We've used it before and it really helps.

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## Jaquaia

I'm actually not a dog person. I'm pretty wary of dogs; but my sister was getting rid of her and my mum was attached to her and was talking about taking her on so I took her as my mum wouldn't manage. Talia actually spends most of her time asleep near my mum.

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## Suzi

Aww...

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## Jaquaia

J made me giggle. He's bought a book for Manchester on the railway in Altrincham before metrolink as he figured it would take me longer to get ready than him...  :(giggle):

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## Paula

Haha really?

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## Jaquaia

Yep! He sent me a screenshot of his purchase followed by "For Manchester"  :(giggle):  He's a huge nerd but he's my nerd  :(inlove):

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## Suzi

That's so sweet!

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## Jaquaia

Assignment submitted!  :(party):

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Allalone (30-04-19),OldMike (30-04-19),Paula (30-04-19)

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## Suzi

Well done love!

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## Mira

Thats awesome. Congratulations you are doing great  :(party):

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## Jaquaia

We watched GoT...

 :Surprised:  :Surprised:  :Surprised:  :Surprised:  :Surprised:  :Surprised:  :Surprised:  :Surprised:  :Surprised:  :Surprised: 

I'm exhausted now!!!!

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## Suzi

I know! Amazing huh?

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## Jaquaia

I ended up squeezing J's hand quite a few times, grabbed him at one point and almost shouted " :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ing hell!!! *spoiler*" and have to admit I shed a few tears. I had goosebumps watching it!

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## Mira

I watched for 2 years and then I stopped. To many I liked died and made me sad. Plus the things they did to one of the characters made me feel weird.

But it has a great following and people love it. Its great you had a good time  :):

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## Suzi

I really enjoyed the episode! 

What's on your agenda for today?

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## Jaquaia

I'm going to start my EMA. Just read the assignment booklet so I know exactly what is being asked and start gathering evidence. If I can get it written early then I can put it away for a bit and re-read and edit it nearer the deadline and it will be much more relaxed

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## Suzi

Good for you! Don't overdo it though...

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## Jaquaia

Do I ever overdo it???

Erm... maybe don't answer that...

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## Suzi

Erm, how about.... ​YES!

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## Jaquaia

Pot and kettle  :P:

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## Suzi

Pfft, I don't know what you mean!

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## Jaquaia

:(giggle):

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## Paula

Ladies, maybe you need to learn from the pacing queen?  :O:

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## Jaquaia

:Surprised:  :Surprised:  :Surprised: 


But... but... you're just as bad!!!!!

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## Paula

Moi? Non

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## Allalone

> Ladies, maybe you need to learn from the pacing queen?


I take it you mean me??!! :(giggle): 




> But... but... you're just as bad!!!!!


Jaq, you’re exactly right Paula is just as bad. That’s why you need to follow my lead!! I’ve got this pacing lark sorted now!! :(rofl):

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## Suzi

So, how's the pacing gone? I paced for about 1 1/2 hours sitting in the garden looking at the vague direction of the pond "to protect the fish from the heron" whilst Marc renetted it! I think I win ladies.......

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## Allalone

No I’ve definitely got this today. I sat with a cuppa and watched Trust Me and half of Line of Duty and this evening I have managed to watch the football! That’s at least 3 hours today. Even I’m impressed with myself! :(angel):  :(giggle):

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Suzi (02-05-19)

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## Jaquaia

I'm trying to pace but my mind is racing a little, so many lists in my head of what I need to do next week to be ready for Manchrster

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## Paula

Ermmmmm

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## Suzi

Then write a list and put it in priority order....

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## Jaquaia

Had a brilliant driving lesson! Made a few silly mistakes through having brain farts but I did 95% of the lesson independently!!! So pleased with myself.

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## Mira

You should be. Thats a great lesson. And if you can do that much solo already your are making good progress. Thats great  :):

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Jaquaia (02-05-19)

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## Jaquaia

I remembered to change down into first gear when I stopped, I stopped and held the car still on a roundabout while waiting for a safe gap before moving out, I was tentative the first time but better the second time. I stopped to let a bus through and gave them enough space to come through safely, I did a hill start without realising it... I can see massive improvements from my first lesson!

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## Allalone

Im so proud of you!!!
Apart from all the fantastic drinking that youve done, you can see your own progress and be proud of it!! Wow!! Well done Jaq!! :(party):

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Jaquaia (02-05-19)

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## Jaquaia

Thank you!!! It makes a huge difference that I can have a laugh and be myself with him too. 

Bob - so what are you wanting to do next week?

Me - not wreck my liver...

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## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl): 
Blimey love. At some point read back from when you had your other instructor and see the difference.

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## Jaquaia

Even from my first lesson with Bob I can see a huge difference. I feel comfortable and almost confident behind the wheel. Have a huge headache now though, feel sick and my eyes hurt

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## Paula

Are you going to put your feet up for a little while?

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## Jaquaia

Actually having a lie down

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## Suzi

Migraine?

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## Jaquaia

Yep. I very rarely get them yet have had 2 in the last month. 
Because I get them so rarely I don't recognise them until I start feeling sick and my eyes are hurting, by which point it feels like someone is trying to dig their way out of my head via my eyeballs!!! Ended up falling asleep with my head under the pillow and my mum made me take some paracetamol

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## Suzi

Do you know what the trigger is? Are you keeping a note of them?

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## Jaquaia

Not a clue! Don't bother keeping a track of them as they don't happen often. I've had maybe 7 in the last 10 years. My mum has frequent migraines and my brother and sister both have them so it could be a genetic thing.

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## Paula

Even if it is genetic, there can still be triggers. Has there been anything unusual or different over the last 24 hours?

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## Jaquaia

Not that I've noticed.

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## Suzi

More stress? A certain fragrance? Something you've eaten or drunk? 

How are you feeling this morning?

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## Jaquaia

More stress as I've had my assignment due in but it's never caused a migraine in the past and I've got miles more stressed about previous assignments. Never noticed food or drink as a trigger, I know food triggers my mums though. Not noticed different fragrances triggering me either.

I'm ok, a bit meh and wooly headed but I can plod.

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## Suzi

Plodding is fine. Try keeping a diary? Totm?

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## Jaquaia

That was last week. A possibility I suppose but not the cause of the last one as that was my first TOTM since January...

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## Paula

Has the wool left yet?

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## Jaquaia

No, neither has the nausea. I've taken some painkillers though and have rested all day.

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## Suzi

Have you been able to rest?

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## Jaquaia

I've rested most of the day. Actually not worn my glasses most of the day either and kept my room dark

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## Suzi

Have you taken anything for it?

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## Jaquaia

I took painkillers earlier. A good nights sleep should help

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## Mira

I hope today will be so much better for you  :(bear):

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Jaquaia (04-05-19)

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## Flo

Yes, I hope you feel better today. It's something I've never experienced, but one of our helpers at the OAP club has them. Her triggers are anything cheese or chocolate related. They must be horrible. Feel for you. :(bear):

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Jaquaia (04-05-19)

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## Paula

How are you doing?

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## Jaquaia

Better, only slightly headachey today but I will take some paracetamol when I take my meds. Got a wash on and will probably just be doing that today.

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## Suzi

Did you take the paracetamol?

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## Jaquaia

I did. I want rid of the headache.

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## Suzi

Has it shifted at all? Are you drinking enough?

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## Jaquaia

It's shifted a little. A shower has helped too

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## Suzi

Good. Does that mean you are going to listen to your body and pace?

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## Paula

Are you drinking enough?

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## Jaquaia

I thought I'd got away with answering that...

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## Allalone

So, are you drinking enough?! :(giggle):

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## Jaquaia

Possibly not...

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## Allalone

I don’t want to sound like Suzi but I probably will! That won’t help your headache Jaq, you need fluids. Please try and have some more.
 :Panda:

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## Jaquaia

I promise I will try

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## Allalone

That’s good to hear.xx

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## Jaquaia

My auntie (well, not really my auntie, she was my nana's best friend since my dad was 13 and we just got brought up calling her that) has died. We only found out today as my dads cousin saw it in the paper yet she died 3 weeks ago. My mum often rang her, always sent cards at Christmas and her birthday, she went to Scarlett's first birthday, so they were still in touch yet no one bothered letting them know. That's made me angry for my parents.

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## Mira

my condolences to you and your family. I can understand why that would make you angry. I know that its not easy letting everybody know. But this is close enough in the circle that they should have been told.

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## Suzi

Oh I'm sorry love... I can understand the anger. Do you know why they weren't told?

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## Jaquaia

No idea. All they had to do was look in her address book or check her phone and they could have let them know. 

She's been in my life since I was born, her daughter used to look after me, she was killed when she was 16 and I still have the lion she bought me. Her and my nana were always in and out of each others houses for as long as I can remember, she was always there. My dad has known her since he was 13 and he's now 64, a lot of the time she signed his birthday cards "Auntie Jean". It's rubbish. The funeral is on Wednesday and I don't know if I want to go...

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## selena

My condolences and do as your heart tells you, if you feel that you'll have later regrets, go to her funeral.

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Jaquaia (04-05-19)

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## Paula

Oh sweetheart, Im so sorry for your loss. As for the funeral, I understand youre angry and it would make it difficult to be there but this is your last chance to say goodbye to her - you might regret not going later on

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Jaquaia (04-05-19)

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## Allalone

I’m sorry for your loss Jaq. Give yourself a little time before you decide about the funeral.
 :Panda:

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Jaquaia (04-05-19)

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## Suzi

I agree, don't make any decisions now. I know it's bad, but at least you have found out before the funeral..

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Jaquaia (04-05-19)

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## Mira

How are you doing? I am sure I am not alone in this. We miss you. And hope you are ok  :Panda:

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Jaquaia (07-05-19)

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## Allalone

Hey Jaq.

You’re quiet, just going to leave these here for you. :Panda:  :Panda:

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Jaquaia (07-05-19)

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## Paula

Hey sweetie, how are you coping? Let us know youre ok?

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Jaquaia (07-05-19)

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## Suzi

I'm worried about you too....

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Jaquaia (07-05-19)

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## Jaquaia

I'm ok. Just quietly plodding

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## Suzi

Talk about what's in your head? When is Manchester?

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## Jaquaia

Friday. I'm getting obsessive about planning and probably driving J crazy as I'm getting nervous, what happened 2 years ago makes me nervous, people knowing makes me nervous,  even though I know I'll have J with me and that both J and Graham will look out for me.

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## Suzi

Oh hunni I can totally see how you would be feeling anxious.... But you do have personal minders to help and who know you and love you and will keep you safe.

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## Jaquaia

I just can't switch my head off

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## Suzi

OK I get that. Can you try some mindfulness? Or what about switching off and watching something to distract?

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## Jaquaia

I've done most of my packing and attempted to get my eyebrows looking a bit less like Oscar the grouch, bloody hard when you're blind as a bat without your glasses on... Got as far as getting my textbook out. Glad I didn't go to the funeral as my dad's brother showed up.

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## Angie

:(bear):

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Jaquaia (08-05-19)

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## Suzi

:Panda:  I'm sorry love xx

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## Jaquaia

He can't help being an arsehole. I refuse to call him my uncle anymore though. He's nothing to me after how he's treated my dad over the last 20 years.

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## Mira

How bad to have people like that in a family  :Panda:

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## Suzi

How are you this morning love?

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## Jaquaia

Tired. Need to get up. Have blood tests in an hour and then my driving lesson. Surprisingly less stressed since I've mostly packed already but I'll unpack and repack at least twice today as that's what I do!

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## Paula

Hope the bloods and lesson go ok. You will be fine this weekend, as Suzi said, you have your minders!  :Panda:

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## Suzi

Hope you have fun on the driving lesson!

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## Jaquaia

That was really good! I did two 2 and a half mile circuits completely independently with the only comment being to start changing down a bit later when approaching the first roundabout. He said the last one was the best one I've ever done. We did some more junction work too and that was better than last time. I actually got up into 3rd this time. Really pleased with myself!

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## Suzi

Well done lovely!

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Jaquaia (09-05-19)

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## Mira

Thats awesome. And a great win. You got this!

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Jaquaia (09-05-19)

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## Suzi

When are you leaving tomorrow?

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## Jaquaia

I'm not sure yet. All I know is after he's taken A to nursery but I need to know where I'm meeting him yet...

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## Suzi

Oh! I was expecting you to have all that sorted and be all excitedly anticipating it!

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## Jaquaia

I've asked and not got a definite answer. He's the one driving so I want him to tell me what would be easier for him.

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## SA89

Hey Jacquaia, your opening post struck a chord with me how you say worrying is a part of who you are. I've been an serial worrier ever since nursery. I worry & over think everything under the sun. People often tell me "lifes too short to worry" but that sentiment doesn't mean anything to people like you or me. If we could simply shut off our minds because "life is too short" or "africa has it worse" I'm sure we would have done it by now. It's like people think we choose to suffer. It's especially typical of those who are relaxed about life to condescend like this. This is exactly why stigma exists because people expect us to be as care free as they are when it's not that simple because mental health is very complex. I don't know if you've ever experienced this reaction?. Hope this resonates, sorry if I'm rambling a bit  :(blush): .

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## Suzi

> I've asked and not got a definite answer. He's the one driving so I want him to tell me what would be easier for him.


I can understand that ..

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## Jaquaia

I've been told a few times that there's no point in worrying but I'm very lucky in that I have awesome friends who understand, many of who understand as they've suffered themselves, or because I'm so open about my mental health that it allows them a glimpse inside my head. My partner is very similar to me so he understands too. I find it helps when I try and logically think things through.

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## Mira

I read that you will unpack and pack a few times. Hey thats ok. You should do whatever helps you feel the best you can for the days ahead. There are no mistakes or things that can go wrong. You will be surrounded by friends and people that want to be with you. So you just be you. Thats more then enough so that people want to be around you.

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## Jaquaia

> I can understand that ..


He's told me he's coming to collect me. He's a star




> I read that you will unpack and pack a few times. Hey thats ok. You should do whatever helps you feel the best you can for the days ahead. There are no mistakes or things that can go wrong. You will be surrounded by friends and people that want to be with you. So you just be you. Thats more then enough so that people want to be around you.


I always worry that I will forget something so I have to check or I can't settle. Only repacked twice so I'm doing well!

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## Mira

I know. I am the same way, thats why I am saying its all ok

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## Jaquaia

Even if I repacked another 6 times before bed I would still worry about forgetting something!

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## Mira

I know, do you make a list? I do that now. 2 trouwsers. 2shirts etc. And i do that for everything that i pack. Works well for me.

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## Jaquaia

No list asI would be worried I've missed something off. I just run through my routine in my head so I know what I need to do that somewhere else

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## Suzi

I'm glad he's coming to get you! You deserve that!

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## Jaquaia

He's a gent. He always treats me well, he even told my mum he loves me on Tuesday  :(inlove): 

I've just spent the afternoon doing my nails. I've not been adventurous, just gone for this; https://www.superdrug.com/Maybelline...B&gclsrc=aw.ds

My dress sleeves are long so my nails won't really be noticed but it makes me feel better knowing that they're tidy

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## Paula

Thats pretty

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## Jaquaia

I don't tend to do bright colours and that is very subtle. Plus it gave me something to distract with this afternoon and a bit of pampering never hurt

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## Suzi

It does look really pretty!

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## Jaquaia

I got my grade back for my last assignment and I'm actually a little disappointed. 79. I know it's still a good grade and my tutor commented in my feedback that my work is at a consistently high standard but still think I could have done better.

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## Suzi

Oh hunni, don't be disappointed as that's awesome! 

Have fun this weekend love... .

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Jaquaia (10-05-19)

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## Flo

79% is fantastic Jaq. I bet if it had been 80% - one percent more - that you'd have been more pleased. You're doing amazingly well considering what you've got on your plate at the moment!  :(clap):

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Jaquaia (10-05-19)

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## Mira

I can only tip my hat. I agree its a good result. And you are giving a solid performance. I wanted to stop by just now and wish you a great weekend. I hope you have fun.

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Jaquaia (22-05-19)

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## Paula

When are you leaving?

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## Allalone

Have a fab weekend Jaq!xxx

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Jaquaia (22-05-19)

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## Jaquaia

We're in Altrincham!!! Well, at the railway station. Someone helped plan the resignalling and wanted a look

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## Suzi

Hope you have the best weekend!

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Jaquaia (22-05-19)

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## Paula

Have a wonderful time  :(party):

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Jaquaia (22-05-19)

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## Angie

Have a great weekend hunni and please say hi to my home town for me as I miss it alot

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Jaquaia (22-05-19)

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## EJ

Home to the vegetarian society. I hope you enjoy your holiday x

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Jaquaia (22-05-19)

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## Suzi

Hope you've had a wonderful time!

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Jaquaia (22-05-19)

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## OldMike

Jaq have a great time.

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Jaquaia (22-05-19)

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## Jaquaia

Talk about back to earth with a bump. My sister, brother-in-law and niece came for dinner yesterday and had to sit and listen to a conversation between my mum and sister about pregnancy, she barely said a word to me, and today I've done all the washing.

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## Suzi

Oh hunni....

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## Jaquaia

It was funny when Scarlett decided she was going to feed me my dinner...

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## Suzi

Lol! Sounds like fun!

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## Jaquaia

It was. I just felt uncomfortable as my sister has a knack of making me feel unwelcome

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## Paula

> It was funny when Scarlett decided she was going to feed me my dinner...


Oh bless her, I love that age  :):

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## Jaquaia

I caught her pulling Talia's fur so told her off. She then spent the next 5 minutes chasing her around to give her kisses to say sorry  :(giggle):

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## Suzi

Aww! Magical age!

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## Paula

Hey, youre quiet, whats up?

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## Jaquaia

I was with J all day yesterday. We went out for lunch, had a look at a second hand bookshop in the market place and watched GoT after his counselling session. Today I'm going for lunch with my best friend. Haven't seen him in person since we were both 21 so looking forward to that!

Other then that, I'm tired and it gets harder and harder to say goodbye to J. Needs must at the moment but it's hard.

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## Suzi

Glad you spent the whole day. I wish you didn't have to say goodbye each time. 

Hope you're having fun!

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## Jaquaia

I'd forgotten just how loud he could be in person! Still, he brought books so I'll forgive him  :(giggle):  

I'm all peopled out now so resting. Trying to decide between Mr Darcy on a page and Mr Darcy on screen...

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## Suzi

Depends... How much do you want to shut out the rest of the world?

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## Jaquaia

I've gone for the book as it was still in my bag from yesterday and finding the dvd feels like too much effort

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## Suzi

I can understand that!  :):

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## magie06

You've been quiet. How are you?

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## Jaquaia

Honestly? I'm struggling. I've tried to ignore it as I'm not suicidal and I haven't felt like self-harming, but I'm struggling. I feel so numb and empty a lot of the time lately, incredibly lethargic. It's rare I'm asleep much past 7 and I'm often awake during the night, I'm struggling to focus on anything, and for the last few days I've been back on the propranolol as I'm highly agitated and anxious. I'm really irritable, hating being around the vast majority of people, and even being spoken to is a struggle most days. And to top that off, I had a bit of a moment today. Apart from being very insecure, we went for lunch in town and J pulled someone up who pushed in front of me at the cash machine. The guy reacted pretty aggressively and it triggered me massively as it reminded me of dickhead. I was almost in tears in the street, struggled to speak, and it took me an age to make eye contact with J again. He said my reaction surprised him.

So it's been fun...

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## Suzi

Oh hunni!  :Panda:  :(bear):  :Panda: 
Do you know where it's come from? Is the propranolol helping?

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## Jaquaia

I don't. The propranolol is helping a bit but still agitated. It took ages to get to sleep last night as my mind was racing.

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## Suzi

Oh I'm sorry love... Do you need to be keeping a mood diary? Getting an appointment to seeing someone?

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## Jaquaia

It might be worth keeping a mood diary. Not looking forward to seeing someone as it will be a re-referral and I'll probably be blocked by the CPN's who do the assessments. I'm on the max dose of vortioxetine so it's not like my GP can just increase it.

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## SA89

> Honestly? I'm struggling. I've tried to ignore it as I'm not suicidal and I haven't felt like self-harming, but I'm struggling. I feel so numb and empty a lot of the time lately, incredibly lethargic. It's rare I'm asleep much past 7 and I'm often awake during the night, I'm struggling to focus on anything, and for the last few days I've been back on the propranolol as I'm highly agitated and anxious. I'm really irritable, hating being around the vast majority of people, and even being spoken to is a struggle most days. And to top that off, I had a bit of a moment today. Apart from being very insecure, we went for lunch in town and J pulled someone up who pushed in front of me at the cash machine. The guy reacted pretty aggressively and it triggered me massively as it reminded me of dickhead. I was almost in tears in the street, struggled to speak, and it took me an age to make eye contact with J again. He said my reaction surprised him.
> 
> So it's been fun...


Hey Jacquaia, I can relate to feelin highly irritable as I live with a controlling obnoxious brother who disrespects everyone. Everyday I feel very agitated which I think is very common with us depression sufferers. I've felt empty for so long now that I've forgotten how to "feel" anymore. The only emotions I seem to have access to is sadness & crying. People take their wellbeing for granted, if only they could spend a week in our shoes who are on this forum. People who don't deal with depression get sad from break ups or whatever which is trivial by comparison. 

Even any grief they suffer is nothing compared to this mental imbalance we have. It may not feel like it, but we're all fighters on here. The strength to keep goin despite our distorted minds is more than anyone gives us credit for. Society will always have a stigma because people are  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: in ignorant yet we're stronger than they'll ever be because we're living under a form of torture. That guy is a scumbag for pushing in front of u btw, he doesn't deserve ur breath  :X: .

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## Jaquaia

Having depression does not make us that different from anyone else, it just makes us ill. Just because we suffer from a mental illness doesn't make anyone elses suffering "trivial", having a mental illness doesn't make our suffering any greater than anyone elses. Suzi for example, has often said on here that she doesn't have depression, yet she has many physical illnesses that she battles. She deals with chronic pain every single day and I have so much admiration and respect for how she just gets on with things. She is one of the strongest women I know and I'm honoured to call her my friend. Having depression DOES make us strong, but it doesn't mean that others can't be as strong as us. I have some amazingly supportive friends who haven't suffered with depression and frequently tell me how proud they are of me for how I fight. Actually engaging in treatment can give you coping strategies that can help you manage your illness. 

Most of what you've just said comes across as quite judgemental.

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Suzi (22-05-19)

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## SA89

I probably should have worded that better. My point was regarding the stigma which is prevelent in society. I was only tryin to give u some encouragement because I can empathise from my own experience. but you've not even acknowledged that so I don't why I bothered  :(think): .

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## Jaquaia

I didn't find anything that you said encouraging. I found it judgemental. The only bit I found empathetic was the bit were you said you can relate to feeling highly irritable and anxious. Empathy literally means the ability to understand and share the feelings of others yet the rest of your post was just judgements on those who don't have a mental illness. That's not empathetic. Empathy isn't judging people because they haven't faced the same challenges as you. So please explain why I would thank you for a post that several times said that people without depression don't suffer anywhere near as much as those with depression? Suffering is a very individual thing, people experience things in different ways and you don't get to decide whose experiences are trivial/greater based on whether they have a mental illness or not. 

 It's been pointed out to you before that you maybe need to think about what you've written before you press post.

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Paula (22-05-19),Suzi (22-05-19)

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## SA89

Well you'll be glad to know I won't bother anymore as ur reaction has really put me off. I thought of commenting because I felt it was only fair after u posted on my thread. I'm aware that people also have issues, my point was how some people trivialise stuff like a break up & broadcast it on facebook for instance as if that's comparable to actual depression sufferers. 

You're response was just as rude tbh but that'll probably get overlooked & I'll recieve a warning for simply tryin to offer words of encouragement. Tired of being misunderstood, get enough of it at home from people who don't understand why I'm such a worrier  :X: ..

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## SA89

I sent u this apology in a private message but ur messages have exceeded so I'll copy it here instead:

"Hey, I apologise for soundin judgemental to non depression sufferers, I shouldn't have generalised like that. My intention was not that at all but unfortunately typing doesn't convey body language. I hope we can draw a line under it as I appreciate ur comments on my thread. I was just tryin to reciprocate ur sentiments & offer a constructive comment but obviously it went down as well as a bag of cold sick!  :(blush): . 

Ur response hurt caus anyone who knows me know I've always been very respectful which is is contrast to a controlling brother I live with. I speak my mind maybe too much at times but my heart is always in the right place  I guess I just wish there was more support for mental heakth & less stigma. Anyway hope u read this & we can draw a line under it  :): ".

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## Jaquaia

Suffering is personal and individual. Even depression is personal and individual. The end of a relationship can cause feelings of grief which are just as valid as those depression sufferers feel. Also, I never said you were rude, I said parts of your post came across as judgemental and lacking in empathy. We have people on here who sign up because they're struggling to deal with loved ones who are struggling to deal with their mental health. How will they feel seeing your comments stating that their suffering is trivial in comparison? That they aren't suffering anywhere near as much? So yes, I'm going to remind you of one of the forum rules;




> Be nice to all DWDers.The prime aim is to help provide a safe place to talk and gain peer to peer support. If you dont like someone, their situation, their question or feel theyre intruding on your thread then please talk to a moderator (names in green or blue) or admin (names in red). Please be polite to each other. DWD Mods and Admin do not tolerate anything which can be offensive to them or to anyone else.


You don't offer encouragement by denigrating others. There's enough of that in the world already, we don't want that here. We don't accept people saying they have it worse because as I've said, suffering is individual, subjective and very personal. If something affects someone, it's just as relevant as the demons we often battle. Encouragement is reminding someone that they've got this, that they're strong because they fight every day, that getting up and showering that day is huge and they've done brilliantly.

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Suzi (22-05-19)

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## SA89

Understood, please read my message above that I initially sent to you in a private message. Lets just draw a line under it  :(think):

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## Jaquaia

We cross posted.




> I sent u this apology in a private message but ur messages have exceeded so I'll copy it here instead:
> 
> "Hey, I apologise for soundin judgemental to non depression sufferers, I shouldn't have generalised like that. My intention was not that at all but unfortunately typing doesn't convey body language. I hope we can draw a line under it as I appreciate ur comments on my thread. I was just tryin to reciprocate ur sentiments & offer a constructive comment but obviously it went down as well as a bag of cold sick! . 
> 
> Ur response hurt caus anyone who knows me know I've always been very respectful which is is contrast to a controlling brother I live with. I speak my mind maybe too much at times but my heart is always in the right place  I guess I just wish there was more support for mental heakth & less stigma. Anyway hope u read this & we can draw a line under it ".


Take a step back. Can you see how your initial response was not respectful to those who are lucky enough to nit suffer from poor mental health? How this was rude and not respectful? 



> but you've not even acknowledged that so I don't why I bothered.


The negative with communicating via text is, as you said, we can't see body language, that's why we need to put so much more thought into what we post. Believe me, there have been times that I have wanted to have a massive rant at things that have been posted on here, I've often typed rants out, but I've learned to take a deep breath, take a step back, and give myself chance to calm down and think rationally before I hit the post button. Often, re-reading things before we send it can help us pick up on things that may not come across how we intend. It's advice we've often given to members. 

It takes courage to apologise publicly and it's very much appreciated :): 

Line drawn!

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Suzi (22-05-19)

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## Suzi

Morning love, how are you today? 
Could you get re-referred to the same nurse prescriber?

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## Jaquaia

I'm exhausted. I was still awake at 3...

How I understand it is it would be a normal referral and would go through an assessment with the CPN first and in my experience, they're awful.

It's possible I'm just feeling overwhelmed at the moment, what with uni, worry about my dad and my mum not listening to her meds routine. And now they want her to start reducing her shortec before they even attempt a nerve block, they've suggested no alternative and the gps have given the reduction to the pharmacist who cocked up her decrease last time.

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## Suzi

Can you not call the nurse prescriber direct to see if they can help?

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## Jaquaia

I've been discharged so no longer on their books. I promise I will keep a record and go and see my gp if things don't improve.

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Suzi (22-05-19)

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## Paula

Jaq, youre an incredible woman and Im honoured to know you and be your friend  :):

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Jaquaia (22-05-19)

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## Jaquaia

That brought tears to my eyes. I think exactly the same about you.

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Paula (22-05-19)

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## magie06

Oh Jaq, you go through so much and offer such kind words whenever you can. You are a powerful woman and I really admire you for who you are. Thanks for being you!  :(inlove):

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Jaquaia (22-05-19),Suzi (22-05-19)

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## Jaquaia

That's such a lovely thing to say!!!

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## Mira

Yes it is lovely and all so true. I agree with the others wholehearted.

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Jaquaia (22-05-19)

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## Jaquaia

Finally managed a shower... is it bedtime yet???

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## Mira

Ofcourse. Its where I am at the moment.

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## Jaquaia

I have a date with Kelly Jones tonight (in my head anyway  :(inlove): ) so it will be another late night but so worth it! Staying at J's too so I know I'll sleep better as I always do with him

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## Mira

That sounds like a great evening. Enjoy  :):

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Jaquaia (22-05-19)

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## Suzi

I also feel really honoured to know you and privileged to call you a friend. I think you are far stronger than you have ever given yourself credit for and you are an intelligent, kind, funny and powerful woman. I agree with the others, I'm so glad that I've had the chance to get to know you.

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Jaquaia (22-05-19)

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## Jaquaia

You're all going to make me cry! I've never thought that I'm anything special, I just try and be the best person I can be.

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## magie06

And you are winning at that by miles and miles! You are so special just by being you.

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Jaquaia (22-05-19)

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## Jaquaia

My anxiety levels are steadily climbing. I'm hot, the Stereophonics have sold out so there will be a good 3000 people there tonight, and I've resorted to taking propranolol again. You never know, maybe when I complete my training I will be able to reprogram my own head!

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## Paula

Hunni, Id be just as anxious in that situation. But once you get there I know youre going to have an incredible time!

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## Suzi

> You're all going to make me cry! I've never thought that I'm anything special, I just try and be the best person I can be.


And that's all anyone can ask of you! And yes, you are very special! 

Hope you're having a brilliant time!

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## Paula

How are you doing?

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## Jaquaia

Brilliant gig last night! Stereophonics are always awesome. Had a huge wobble today and frustrated the hell out of J because I wouldn't talk about it and kept insisting I was ok. The Bluetones were absolutely immense tonight and there were only a couple of hundred there so it was quite an intimate gig. Can't wait to see them in York in 2 weeks

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## Mira

So glad you enjoyed the gig  :): 
On to the next one.

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## OldMike

I could tell from Facebook you had a brilliant time  :(party):

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## Suzi

> Brilliant gig last night! Stereophonics are always awesome. Had a huge wobble today and frustrated the hell out of J because I wouldn't talk about it and kept insisting I was ok. The Bluetones were absolutely immense tonight and there were only a couple of hundred there so it was quite an intimate gig. Can't wait to see them in York in 2 weeks


So glad you've had a couple of good gigs! 
Want to talk about the wobble?

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## Jaquaia

I was feeling very insecure and then I saw a family photo pinned to the fridge which made me feel a bit.... meh... I know he has a history and I would never dream of asking him to ignore that history so I thought it was my issue to deal with, I just didn't deal with it very well. It turns out that he had taken it down but A had put it back up. It's just something I need to learn how to deal with. Maybe it will be easier when we can go public, though meeting his friend Sam has made me feel better.

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## Mira

I am almost certain that it will get better when you go public. But it can be stinging a bit if they still do all those family things together as you said some time ago.

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Flo (25-05-19)

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## Paula

You can accept he has a history at the same time as it hurts - the two arent mutually exclusive. But youre wrong, its not just your issue to deal with. As a couple, its for both of you to deal with and its important he knows when youre hurting so you can work through it together, as a partnership

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## Jaquaia

> I am almost certain that it will get better when you go public. But it can be stinging a bit if they still do all those family things together as you said some time ago.


The photo was an old one




> You can accept he has a history at the same time as it hurts - the two aren’t mutually exclusive. But you’re wrong, it’s not just your issue to deal with. As a couple, it’s for both of you to deal with and it’s important he knows when you’re hurting so you can work through it together, as a partnership


He said pretty much the same, he'll be even more smug when I show him your reply... 

I sometimes forget just how well he can read me. 

He took me to meet his friend Sam yesterday and I thought he was lovely. I felt pretty comfortable around him

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## Suzi

If he didn't value your relationship then you wouldn't have been introduced to his best friend. It's going to hurt with things like that right in your face, but he and Paula are right. It's not "your problem" to deal with. If you are both serious about each other then you have to talk about these things and deal with them head on together. If you hide this away, he'll feel he has to hide other things away and you'll end up in a mess. Seriously, you love him so talk to him!

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## Jaquaia

I know! I know you're all right. 

One thing I noticed last night... last year when we saw The Bluetones, I struggled to walk any great distance without a lot of pain in my lower back and I struggled to stand up all night as it hurt so much. This year, I only had some pain in my hip, my back was pretty much ok, I sat down for 1 song and the rest of the time I was stood up, and even bopping away! I'm even walking further with very little pain in my back when I'm out with J. He's been very good for my physical health too  :):

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## magie06

That's such good news. I'm not sure of the statics on back pain, but for every pound weight you lose, it's four pounds of pressure off your knees. 
From what you've said the weight loss has helped your back too.

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## Jaquaia

Wow!! I never knew that! I've lost just short of 42lbs so far.

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## Paula

And you should be so proud of yourself!

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## Suzi

Wow go you!  :):

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## Jaquaia

I am a little, but as usual for me, I think I can do better

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## Flo

Wow Jaq 42lbs is some going!! Fantastic. I know I go on a bit sometimes but I have probs with my knees if I gain too much weight and it flipping hurts! Even a few pounds helps...so you've lost 21 bags of sugar!!! Look at it like that and it's amazing! I've been a bit anti-social lately and not been on here as much as I should. Do I take it that J has his own place now? (save me going through pages of posts) That's great! Oh, and while I'm here. Think of this: If J hadn't had a family and a history then you wouldn't be with him. It's all of the events in both your lives that have led up to what you have today. I found it very difficult when Ian and I were first together. I've realised I'm a jealous bitch! He has a few lady 'friends' and they'd call occasionally on the phone. Photos too of him and them. It took ages for me to get used to and it dragged me down a lot. But one day he said after an argument. "I'm with YOU not them!! Doesn't that tell you something?" They're my friends too now. But I know where you're coming from. Instinct tells you to rip photos off fridges and tear them up and stamp on them. But remember, pieces of paper with faces on are absolutely NO threat to you. It's the pictures of you and him that matter and I bet there's more of those than there is under fridge magnets!

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## Jaquaia

The mortgage offer has been confirmed so it will just be his soon. I think a lot of my problem is we're not public yet, he wants everything sorted legally first so she can't use me as an excuse to be awkward, that and I don't think very much of myself so I'm scared he'll find someone better. Him having female friends doesn't bother me, it's her.

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## Paula

Soooo at what point will you be confident enough to not get upset about the family photos? ......

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## Jaquaia

I honestly don't know. But I think not feeling like a secret will be a good start.

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## Suzi

I'm sorry, why aren't you public? Does it really matter if she knows?

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## Jaquaia

I think it's because he doesn't trust her not to be difficult if she finds out he's with me. She's refused to come off the joint account until the money is sorted, she's told him previously that he won't see the children if he's with me, so he wants to get everything legally binding first so she can't throw anymore spanners in the works out of spite. He's telling people about me, apparently he talks about me a lot to his friends, it's just more being discreet. And you know how much I overthink things...

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## Suzi

But how long is that going to take to be legally binding? Surely she can't stop him from seeing the children etc?

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## Jaquaia

Legally no. As soon as the courts have dealt with the deed of separation it's legally binding, then it's just getting the transfer of deeds sorted. It should be a couple of months maximum now, maybe less.

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## Suzi

No way of hurrying the process along?

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## Jaquaia

It's all in the hands of the solicitors now.

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## Suzi

Good! May they hurry the f*** up!

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## Jaquaia

I was so tempted to shock my dad tonight. He's been drinking most of the day again as he's in pain with his stomach (but it's ok as it's only 3 or 4 pints a day  :(: ) and my mum reminded him that he's at the doctors next week. There was a comment something like if they sent him a text reminder, if he forgot then  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  them and I blurted out that it was a crap attitude to have when he has a granddaughter to watch grow up and another grandchild on the way. His response was he's getting sick of doctors...

Maybe I should have told him that if I'd taken that attitude, he would have only had 2 children to worry about as he would have buried me months ago...

I'm fed up of that attitude, I'm fed up of my mum not listening to her doctors orders and then having to listen to her moaning because her legs are infected again. I'm fed up of being the one everything falls to. I'm fed up that they choose to do the shopping online and then make it a nightmare for me to order. And I'm fed up of being guilt tripped for not baking when I'm prioritising my uni work.

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## Paula

Then tell them, love.

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## Mira

Those are tough moments for sure. In my family there are a few alcoholics. And I have heard all the stories of why they drink but they are addicted.

Sometimes I feel your father is being self destructive. And what you said about what if you had that attitude resonates with me. I have the same. If I said after seeing 3 therapists I am done who knows what would be of me now....

Its important to keep trying. Its a shame your father does not see that. And like you said there is so much to be around for. You did forget to mention yourself. So I am doing that now. 

Its a shame there is so much negativty around you at home at the moment. But please dont feel bad about making uni a priority.  :Panda:

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## Flo

It might be an idea to point out that they need to get their act together, because you aren't going to be there for much longer. If they don't help themselves it's not your responsibility Jaq. You have a life of your own and in the not too distant future you'll be living with J. What will they do then? Thank the Lord they have you there to help with everything. Blow the baking! I'm all for helping parents but not to the extent that it compromises my own well being. Any driving test on the horizon yet?

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## Jaquaia

Nowhere near yet Flo, but I am driving pretty independently and feel pretty comfortable behind the wheel

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## Suzi

I agree with the others love. Maybe you need to tell them how you are feeling....

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## Jaquaia

I've learned the hard way that it never makes a difference.

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## Paula

As Flo says, maybe you need to emphasise that you will be moving out soon and they need to find a way to help themselves.

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## Suzi

I think Flo and Paula are right. I think you're going to have to slowly pass things back to them.... Training them to be self sufficient...

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## Flo

> Nowhere near yet Flo, but I am driving pretty independently and feel pretty comfortable behind the wheel


That's the most important thing...feeling confident and competent. It won't be long now! :O:

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## Jaquaia

I have been getting pretty blunt with my mum and getting my brother to back me up when he comes down. It doesn't do much good as she claims "she forgot"... As for moving out, I think I'm looking at a good year before that happens. But I am starting to have a life at least, J has been so good for me in that respect.

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OldMike (26-05-19),Suzi (26-05-19)

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## Paula

> But I am starting to have a life at least, J has been so good for me in that respect.


Excuse me, missus! Youve changed his life. When you think where he was a year ago, under her thumb, unable to leave, tormented, desperately unhappy? Hunni, youve done so much more for him than hes done for you. Do not underestimate what youve done in his life

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Jaquaia (26-05-19),Suzi (26-05-19)

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## Jaquaia

That's a lovely thing to say  :(blush): 

I don't think I'm anything special. I just love him and want him to be happy. He gives me so much love, encouragement and support. I'm not sure I could have done half of what I've done over the last year without that.

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## Suzi

You ARE special. You don't have to change the world for everyone, but you have changed his world and that of the children....... 

Can you set your Mum up reminders on her phone? Write it down on a white board where she can see it?

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Jaquaia (26-05-19)

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## Jaquaia

I need to sit and sort that out as dosette boxes aren't doing much good...

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## Suzi

IS she taking too much or not enough?

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## Jaquaia

As far as I'm aware, she's taken her longtec at different times even though I've explained they need to be taken at the exact same times every day as they're slow release over 12 hours. She's taking some without eating when they should be taken with food and then wonders why she feels sick. Told her that countless times too... Her hearing aid needs adjusting and I've been reminding her to make the appointment for 2 years almost... oh and the latest one is her legs have extremely dry skin. They look a mess, and because they itch, she scratches, they bleed and then get infected. She has a cream to use sparingly twice a day, and a moisturiser as needed. She complained her back hurts when she bends to do it so I told her to ask me. "It's embarrassing". I can understand that so I bought her a long-handled lotion applicator so she can do it herself without bending. That's a tenner wasted as she's used it once. I remind her constantly, "I forgot". I repeat the doctors instructions constantly and it gets me nowhere. I've told her a few times not to even bother asking me to get her an appointment if her legs get infected again as it's her own fault. If she can't follow instructions on how to care for her legs yet keep going back for the same thing then she's wasting their time and mine as she's caused her own problems by not helping herself. Harsh I know, all I can say is I'm rapidly running out of patience with her. She doesn't even use any of the equipment the OT gave her. Yet she got seen quickly and I've had to wait a year as they had no space...

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## Suzi

I can understand why you are struggling with everything.... Is it that she genuinely has forgotten?

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## Jaquaia

A lot of the time I think it's a convenient excuse as I've reminded her hundreds of times

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## Suzi

Maybe you have to be cruel to be kind and leave her to it with alarms set or something?

----------


## Paula

> Maybe you have to be cruel to be kind and leave her to it with alarms set or something?


I was about to say the same thing ....

----------


## Jaquaia

I'll set them up once my essay is out the way

----------


## Suzi

I think you might have to. She needs training  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

She needs something  :@: 

About half way through my essay and have absolutely zero motivation.

----------


## Suzi

When's it due in?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tomorrow....

----------


## Suzi

How's it going?

----------


## Jaquaia

Showered and what not. Going to sort my hair out and crack open my laptop. I know what I need to write, most of my conclusion is written... just 600 words on monkeys and driving while using a mobile to go!

----------


## Paula

I think thats unfair on monkeys  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

:(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

I feel like I've done loads since half 10 yet I've only just passed 1000 words!

----------


## Suzi

You can do it!

----------


## Jaquaia

So far I've written about Nazi's, the Nuremberg code and shocking people with increasing voltage when they get a question wrong... this should be interesting to write!

----------


## Paula

Hows it going?

----------


## Jaquaia

Took a break to spend some time with J. 300 words to go and then a read through and edit. Should be fine.

----------


## Suzi

Well done love! You can do it!

----------


## Jaquaia

Submitted!!!  :(party):  

I may have taken advantage of the 10% margin... 1644 words... :(giggle):

----------


## Paula

Woohoo!  :(party):

----------


## Suzi

Well done love! What's on today's agenda?

----------


## Jaquaia

Going to go see Scarlett today. I've bought her a couple of books. I can cope with feeling unwelcome for a couple of hours...

----------


## Suzi

You aren't going to see anyone else - just Scarlett. F what the others think!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm sat reading about a unicorn that grants wishes to a rocking horse!

----------

Paula (29-05-19),Suzi (29-05-19)

----------


## Paula

> You aren't going to see anyone else - just Scarlett. F what the others think!


Exactly. She wants to see you!

----------


## Jaquaia

Where's Mr Duck? (Felt Flaps) https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/17880036..._xzN7Cb31B9AJX

I've read it about 20 times so far! Good choice by me I think

----------

Suzi (29-05-19)

----------


## Suzi

That's awesome!

----------


## Jaquaia

That was a really good driving lesson! I even did a new area and mini roundabouts. Doing a new area raised my anxiety but I dealt with it. My second circuit was much better than my first, doing the roundabout from a different direction threw me though and I stalled and then panicked. Overall it was good though!

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like you're coming on leaps and bounds! It's so lovely to hear you talking about it with such excitement!

----------

Jaquaia (30-05-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Bob has commented a few times on how much progress I've made. I'm driving pretty much independently and mostly feel comfortable behind the wheel now. He's teaching me to drive, not to pass a test , and the fact that he's willing to repeat everything is helping me so much.

----------


## Paula

Im so proud of you  :):

----------

Jaquaia (30-05-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

You maybe won't be if I tell you that when we parked up and was discussing the lesson, we were talking about the roundabout, except I forgot the word for roundabout so I pointed over my shoulder and said one of those  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Yeah, still proud...

----------

Jaquaia (30-05-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I like how he teaches me. I've just said this to Sarah, but because he is happy to repeat lessons over and over, I can now drive a 2 and a half mile circuit in both directions with no input from him. That's 2 roundabouts, a big bus route, variable speed limits (though admittedly, I don't get much about 25 at the moment...) and currently, temporary traffic lights. If I need something explaining again, he will get me to pull over and go through things. If he asks me something, he wants to know the answer and why that is the answer, to prove I fully understand. He's teaching me to drive and not to pass a test. He even offered to give me extra country driving lessons when I told him where J lives as he said I'll need it.

----------


## Suzi

That's awesome!

----------


## Paula

He sounds exactly what you need!

----------


## Flo

Ooh! He sounds great! When I first came over to the uk in 1971 I had an instructor who looked like one of the prison wardens in Cool Hand Luke (Paul Newman) he wore mirror sunglasses and was an absolute B'tard!! The next one I had was a sweetie and really easy to get along with and had a great sense of humour. So when is Bob taking you to Paris to try driving there? :(giggle):  It's full of maniacs with a death wish!! I've never driven abroad, and never want to. Well done though. Has he got a postage stamp in the middle of his rear window?

----------


## Suzi

Morning love, how are you?

----------


## Jaquaia

He's brilliant Flo. So pleased everyone encouraged me to change instructors as it's the best thing I could have done. 

I'm ok Suzi. Tired. Have popped to the shops, needed a birthday card for my brother. Doing a couple of washes though I'm not going to do it all today but going to spread it out. And have hoovered the stairs, landing, bathroom and give my bedroom floor a quick once over. I'm going to go wrap my brothers presents and then rest.

----------


## Paula

Im impressed! That might actually be called pacing  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I'd say I learnt from the best but I'd be lying. You lot are rubbish at it!  :(giggle):

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):  do what we say, not what we do!

----------


## Jaquaia

:(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Pfft, we are the best people to ask as we are still working through it  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I need to stop looking at postgrad study!!! Seen another Doctoral course I wouldn't mind doing but it's going to cost nearly £25 grand!!!  :Surprised:

----------


## OldMike

> I need to stop looking at postgrad study!!! Seen another Doctoral course I wouldn't mind doing but it's going to cost nearly £25 grand!!!


Wow that sure is expensive, but if it is what you want then go for it.

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know what I want really, other then to try and help people. I need to weigh up if I can do that better as a counsellor or as a counselling psychologist.

----------


## Suzi

Maybe focus on what you are doing now and see how that goes?  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I get restless and agitated if I don't have a plan. I have no idea why, I just find life easier if I have a rough idea of where I'm going

----------


## Suzi

But surely your plan is to do this next years courses?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've always planned a few years in advance. I knew what degree I wanted to do before I even started my A-levels. I don't know why I do it, maybe it's partly because I'm never fully happy with anything I do.

----------


## Suzi

Then make sure you aren't pushing yourself too hard love....

----------


## Jaquaia

Would I???  :(angel): 

If it helps, I'm thinking of doing my MSc before my PhD or DCounPsy as I think a gradual step up from undergrad to postgrad study would be better for me.

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like a plan...

----------


## Mira

Even if you plan that far ahead because you are never completly happy about how you are doing I do think its great how you are doing. You are doing all that work and with such good results. That is something I can only commend you for.

----------

Jaquaia (01-06-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Well I get my results in July so will see how well I've done then. 

Have finished the washing, will do bedding at some point over the next few days. Waiting for my brother to pop down for his presents but starting to get agitated being sat downstairs...

----------


## Suzi

Are you pacing? Can you disappear for a while?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm binge watching Good Omens. I really like it so far, David Tennant and Martin Sheen are brilliant!

----------


## Suzi

I haven't read the book, but I've got the series to watch  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I haven't read the book either!

----------


## Jaquaia

"I got pulled over by aliens!"

"Did you count their nipples?"

 :(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

I can tell I have a sore throat, I've actually drank today...

----------


## Suzi

Oh I'm sorry you've got a sore throat, but I'm glad you've been drinking!

----------


## Paula

Hows the throat, hunni?

----------


## Jaquaia

Still sore and have a tickly cough. So I'm going to rest and maybe start my mums cross stitch today. I haven't gone to my sisters as there's a newborn in the house, her bf niece and her son are staying with them.

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're drinking loads love....

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm trying to. 

Doing this, because as a beginner, I don't believe in making things easy for myself...

Tiger Head Complete Counted Cross Stitch Kit 10" x 9.5" A2162 https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0033777..._YaGwlQUq7VT4e

----------


## Suzi

Wow! That's lovely!

----------


## Jaquaia

I bought my mum it for Christmas but she can't do it because of her hands so I'm doing it.

Speaking of hands, I've finally got an appointment with the rheumatology OT. I have my assessment at half 1 tomorrow

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo! Hope it goes well!

----------


## OldMike

That looks brilliant if you need any tips on cross stitch there's our very own Princess who I'm sure will enlighten you  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I think the only tip I really need is about the aida. It's really stiff and was a battle to get it on my hoop.

----------


## Paula

Thats beautiful! And 14 count is a sensible Aida to start with.  The only way Ive found with stiff Aida is to keep working with it - sorry I know thats no help at all

----------

Jaquaia (02-06-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

It's starting to get easier, or the little bit I'm working on is anyway!

----------


## Suzi

It does slightly give a bit as you work into that area. It's a bugger, but it's the only thing I've found....

----------

Jaquaia (02-06-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I ended up bring the aida and hoop down, putting it all on the chest freezer, and using my body and arm to keep the outer hoop down while I used a knife to fasten it up!  :(rofl):

----------


## Paula

Or maybe you could just buy some more Aida? Its cheap.... the only thing is, you shouldnt keep the Aida in the hoop when youre not using it as it damages it and also means you end up with a permanent hoop shaped crease

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't. I always take it out once I've finished for the day.  :): 

It's ok to work on once it's in the hoop, it's just getting it there in the first place! I feel like I've done loads but it's maybe 2 square inches and that's it!

----------


## Suzi

Well done!  :):

----------


## Paula

Good girl  :O:  :O: 

An experienced cross stitcher apparently averages 1 square inch per hour....

----------


## Jaquaia

That's taken me about 4 hours today. I find it really relaxing though.

----------


## Paula

There you go - Ive been doing it since I was 10 and cant get a whole lot faster than that.....

----------


## Suzi

And me.... Slow and steady wins the race and all that....

----------


## Jaquaia

My mum was surprised she may have to wait months for it until I showed her how much I'd done.

I have a headache, think it's the coughing that's caused it. So other then my OT appointment, I promise that I will rest.

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you're going to rest.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

Well!!! That was fun! 

It turns out that my hand position isn't normal! I've not been able to comfortably straighten my hands for years. The 1st knuckles on my middle and ring fingers on my right hand are starting to drop so I have some rather attractive ring type things to wear during the day. I have compression gloves to wear on a night to help reduce sweling and stiffness. I have compression gloves that help ease stiffness and pain through gloves. And I have wrist supports for when I'm doing stuff too. I'm also starting a group that will teach me how to manage the RA, hand exercises and stuff to help in the kitchen etc. And she's going to refer me to the physio to get my hip and shoulders looked at.

----------


## Suzi

At least you're getting some help now love... How long's the wait for the group and the physio?

----------


## Paula

Oh hunni  :(:

----------


## Jaquaia

That should be gloves that help reduce pain and stiffness through heat, not gloves...

She's put me in for the group starting the 9th July, so not long. It's a swan neck deformity I have starting, but it's in the very early stages, hence the rather attractive ring things I posted on fb  :(giggle):  She's doing the referral to the physio then, as there's a physio as part of the group. She seemed surprised that nothing has been done about my hip and that I wasn't referred for physio for my shoulders.




> Oh hunni


I'm actually ok about it. I won't need to use the heat gloves often as I don't have flare ups that often. And the deformity has been caught really early so it can be easily treated

----------

OldMike (03-06-19),Paula (03-06-19),Suzi (03-06-19)

----------


## Suzi

It is good that things have been caught early lovely. What does J say about it all? Your parents?

----------


## Jaquaia

My mum and dad haven't really said much and I don't really want to discuss it with my mum as it always turns into a bloody competition. J said he'll be there to help in any way he can  :):  

Though I think if I have to wear the splints long term, I'm going to buy some nice ones that look like jewellery! Maybe something like these; http://ringsplintsbyzomile.co.uk/homeabout/4582132650

----------


## OldMike

Yup those look really good, it's good someone has had the foresight to produce something that does a good job medically while looking good.

----------


## Suzi

Good idea!  :):  They look fab!

----------


## Paula

Ooo theyre awesome!

----------


## Jaquaia

Woke up to the news that Tom's cancer is back. He starts immunotherapy tomorrow, and if that doesn't work, he'll be back on chemo.

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni, I'm so sorry....

----------

Jaquaia (05-06-19)

----------


## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (05-06-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

He's a fighter. I just wish he could get a break.

----------


## Paula

Sweetheart, I so sorry  :Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (05-06-19)

----------


## Mira

That is such rough news to recieve.indeed he does deservr a break  :Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (05-06-19)

----------


## Suzi

How are you coping with it?

----------


## Jaquaia

Sad but he's a fighter. He's beat it once and he can do it again. He has so much love and support behind him. 

Anyone want a cold? Done nothing but cough and sneeze all day. J doesn't like how my cough sounds and wants me to get it looked at. I don't think my dad does either as he told my mum to get me some cough syrup but the pharmacist wouldn't sell her it as she didn't know what meds I'm on. I'm pretty used to this so I know I don't need to see a doctor at the moment.

----------


## Suzi

How long have you had it?

----------


## Jaquaia

A few days though J says I've been coughing a while now.

----------


## Suzi

Remember though that you are immunosuppressed and so maybe it might pay to go and get looked at?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've told J that I will speak to the pharmacist

----------


## Paula

Do that tomorrow, please, and make a doctors appointment if the pharmacist cant help?

----------


## Jaquaia

I will. I have blood tests tomorrow so will do it then

----------


## Suzi

Morning hunni, how's you?

----------


## Jaquaia

Snotty!!!

Sorry but you did ask  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Lol.... Up vitamin C? Brand name Ribena, orange juice etc....

----------


## Paula

:(:  :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

Ribena???  :X:  I'd rather chew my right hand off. 

I've got some cough medicine and menthol sweets.

I  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ed up on my driving lesson. We had a drive out to the seaside and I was driving at speed but I messed up when I got back to Hull  :(:

----------


## Paula

Hunni, we all make mistakes when were driving, even years/decades after passing our tests

----------


## Jaquaia

I got so frustrated with myself that I ended the lesson in tears. I was comfortably driving at 40/50/55mph but city driving completely threw me despite doing it all the time. Bob put it down to speed deceives and that now I've experienced it I'll be more aware next time

----------


## Paula

Youre human, please dont beat yourself up ....

----------


## Jaquaia

I talked that through with Bob too, he said I need to not let the negatives outweigh the positives of my lesson. And I'm trying very hard not to do that. J has said that the sort of driving I did today can be very tiring and it was maybe tiredness setting in amd has told me that I have to rest now.

----------


## Suzi

We all f*** up! Don't be too cross with yourself, you are only human love...

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm so used to beating myself up before anyone else can that it's taking a huge effort not to. Going to cross-stitch this afternoon

----------


## Suzi

Being any kinder to yourself yet?  :O:  Oh and isn't it time you had a drink?

----------


## Jaquaia

I am being. AND I  have a drink. Actually sat doing my nails as I'd broken a couple.

----------


## OldMike

> I got so frustrated with myself that I ended the lesson in tears. I was comfortably driving at 40/50/55mph but city driving completely threw me despite doing it all the time. Bob put it down to speed deceives and that now I've experienced it I'll be more aware next time


You're doing very well with your driving Jaq, I imagine city driving can be difficult I'm sure you'll find it easier as time goes by.

----------


## Suzi

How's the rest of the day gone love?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've not done much, felt exhausted

----------


## Suzi

Rested then?

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

Pretty much! Helped put the shopping away, dished out tea, tested the water in my dads tanks...

----------


## Paula

Doesnt sound like resting to me ......

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm resting now. Coughing a lot but resting.

----------


## Suzi

How are you today? Will you get checked out today?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm heading to York today! On my own!!! Leaving in a little under an hour to catch the train. Meeting J for lunch, then we're out for tea and going to see The Bluetones tonight!!!

----------

OldMike (07-06-19)

----------


## Paula

Have fun hunni!

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're having a brilliant time!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm currently sat in the cafe reading Terry Pratchett while I wait for J to finish. Then pizza express for tea  :):

----------


## Suzi

Are you enjoying it?

----------


## Jaquaia

Loving it. Just waiting for the doors to open for The Bluetones as York is a bit soggy at the moment!

----------


## Mira

This gives me a smile  :):  enjoy the music and great compagny.

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're having a blimmin brilliant time!

----------


## Jaquaia

Absolutely amazing night!!! We were right at the front, so an amazing view!!! The Bluetones were amazing and MARK MORRISS SPOKE TO ME!!!! No idea what he bloody said but he spoke to me a couple of times  :(inlove):

----------

Suzi (08-06-19)

----------


## Paula

So glad you had fun! You would never have done this a year ago  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Since May last year I've been to 6 live music events (ok, 5 of them were for the same 2 bands but I really love the Stereophonics and the Bluetones!!!). It's got progressively easier, even physically! Last night was almost identical to our first proper date (apart from the rain). Last year I struggled to walk to the Pizza Express as my back really hurt and I needed to stop a couple of times. This year I had some discomfort in my hip but managed it with no real issue. Last year I didn't want to get too near the front in case I felt claustrophobic, this year I was straight to the front. Last year I struggled to stand as my hip and back hurt so much. No such problems this year. Last night really hammered home just how far I've come :):

----------

Paula (08-06-19)

----------


## Suzi

Wow! You've come so far! You're amazing!

----------

Jaquaia (08-06-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I wouldn't go that far!!! J noticed how much easier I found the walking this year too!

----------


## Suzi

I would say amazing - oh look I just have - twice!

----------


## Jaquaia

:(giggle):

----------


## Paula

Awesome! (Just for a different adjective)  :O:

----------

Jaquaia (08-06-19)

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm resting. Reading "Thief of Time" by Terry Pratchett.

----------


## Jaquaia

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?sto...cus_composer=0

You can see me in some of those photos!!!

----------


## Suzi

That's soooooo cool! Spotted you!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Video has some swearing

I want to go again. Mark Morriss is an incredibly talented songwriter and has a unique voice. He's so energetic on stage and really interacts with the audience, he even made up a song on the spot about shampoo!!!  :(giggle):  Scott's voice complements his perfectly.  Adam is an incredible guitarist and Eds is brilliant! Richie was awesome too. They should have been so much bigger than they were.

----------

OldMike (09-06-19)

----------


## Suzi

Looks like so much fun!

----------


## Jaquaia

It's that time of year again... find someone to verify my identity with the Student Loan Company  :Bandit: 

Hate this bit.

----------


## Paula

Can I ask why?

----------


## Jaquaia

There's a long list of criteria they need to fulfil just to be able to sign it. It's a pain. It usually means posting it away to a friend

----------


## Suzi

Bugger!

----------


## Jaquaia

It's a pain but has to be done. All sorted though, the form just has to go to Darlington via Manchester...

So far, today has been lunch with J, and currently sat reading Jane Eyre while he has counselling. His mum is ill so I don't get to keep him tonight as he's got T

----------


## Suzi

Hope his mum gets better soon. 
Hope it's been a good day lovely.

----------


## Jaquaia

Took me ages to settle down today for some reason, the rain had me on edge which probably contributed a lot. I've never driven in proper rain before, just a light drizzle so today was fairly new. Even got up to 4th gear, never done that in a city before. My approach to roundabouts improved as the lesson went on too. Positive overall really!

----------

OldMike (13-06-19)

----------


## magie06

I was beginning to worry about you. I haven't seen you in a while. I'm so glad that you got on so well with the driving. It makes you so much more independent when you can get behind the wheel and take off. Any sign of a test yet?

----------

Jaquaia (13-06-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm a long way off yet but pretty much independent. Last week was my first time reversing, in 4th gear, driving above 30mph and driving home. I'm getting there slowly though

----------


## Suzi

Actually it sounds like you're coming on leaps and bounds now you're with an instructor who cares!

----------

Jaquaia (13-06-19)

----------


## Mira

The feeling I have is that you are going to be a great driver. You have a good teacher and you will get this. Your taking your time and thats perfect. Doing it in your own pace has great value.

----------

Jaquaia (13-06-19),Suzi (13-06-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I mentioned that the rain had me on edge and he just automatically started talking everything through logically. That really helps. 

Still not 100% so been sat doing some cross-stitch.

----------


## Suzi

Looking good hunni!

----------


## Jaquaia

I had a sarcastic comment from my mum about having it finished in 3 years...

----------


## Suzi

I've had some very sarcastic comments from my mum.... Laugh it off, or just reply it's better than she is doing.....

----------


## Jaquaia

All I get is "I'm only having a laugh with you" as if it's my fault for not having a sense of humour

----------


## Paula

> All I get is "I'm only having a laugh with you" as if it's my fault for not having a sense of humour


Now that comment I get a lot in my house. I get it, hunni.

Thats a great start on the cross stitch. Do you find it restful?

----------

Jaquaia (13-06-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I do. I'm not even finding it stressful when I knot the thread or lose where I am on the pattern

----------


## Mira

Well I love jokes and funny comments. But this is not funny. I am proud that you are doing this. How long it might take is not an issue at all. Your lessons. Your pace.

And how awesome that cross stitch is restful  :):

----------

Jaquaia (13-06-19)

----------


## Suzi

> All I get is "I'm only having a laugh with you" as if it's my fault for not having a sense of humour


I get it too.......  :(bear):  :(bear):

----------

Jaquaia (13-06-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> All I get is "I'm only having a laugh with you" as if it's my fault for not having a sense of humour


I get it too. Or, stop being so over-sensitive.  :(bear):

----------

Jaquaia (13-06-19)

----------


## magie06

I got that a lot when I lived at home. Now, Gerry and I have a very similar sense of humour, so normally what he finds funny, I do too and vice versa. It will be the same when you move in with J.

----------

Jaquaia (13-06-19)

----------


## OldMike

> I had a sarcastic comment from my mum about having it finished in 3 years...


It's not just what is said but the way it is said, some people can say something and it just comes across as downright nasty as though they are putting you down, others can say the very same thing but with a glint in their eye and a cheeky grin and you know instantly they're just having a bit of fun with you.

----------


## Suzi

How are you today lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tired. I was going to start the washing today but haven't even found the energy to get up yet

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  :(bear):  Hope you're OK love

----------


## Jaquaia

I sometimes forget that fatigue is a symptom of RA so going to take it easy today and probably cross stitch

----------


## Suzi

Good for you! Self care is important.

----------


## Paula

Good girl  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I feel like I'm wading through treacle today. Everything feels like such a huge effort. My mums commented that I look pale too. I am trying to rest though.

----------


## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

----------


## Mira

We all have days like this. Try to rest and do something nice for yourself  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  Lovely... Do what you can to be kind to you today....

----------


## Jaquaia

I've bough my dad some plants for his aquarium for fathers day so helped him place them, and done 2 loads of washing. This evening is either tv or Jane Eyre

----------


## Paula

:Panda:  how are you feeling now?

----------


## Jaquaia

Overwhelmed... it's been far too peoplely and my parents have been out most of the day...

----------


## Paula

Then rest tonight?

----------


## Jaquaia

That's the plan

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're resting.

----------


## Jaquaia

I've read a little and been watching Graham Norton clips

----------


## Paula

How are you this morning?

----------


## Jaquaia

Still feel like I'm wading through treacle. But I've put a wash on and have hoovered through downstairs. Just come up to shower and walking upstairs felt like a huge effort. But going to cross stitch or read between washes and J is planning to pop down before work as he doesn't think she'll bother about fathers day.

----------


## Suzi

It's good that you are going to pace today lovely...

----------


## SA89

Wading through treacle def sums up getting through the day. Everything feels like such an effort with mental health. I think that's why people say "mind over matter" because there's an acknowledgement that our mind is the most important aspect to our wellbeing. I read an analogy that refers to the mind as a computer like how a hard drive gets filled with clutter in the background that can't so easily be removed. It slows down a computer like how negative thoughts can slow down our minds over time. It's like our brain chemistry has become untangled over the years & we need somethin to manage it (like an antivirus with a computer for instance). Random I know  :(blush): .

----------


## Jaquaia

I have RA. Fatigue is something I suffer with a lot with that. It will pass in a few days, it usually does  :):

----------


## Paula

Im very impressed that youre recognising that this is a symptom of RA and not beating yourself up over it

----------


## Jaquaia

I've still finished the washing. Probably shouldn't have but it needs doing.

----------


## Suzi

Apart from that are you being kind to yourself?

----------


## Jaquaia

Trying. I'm either going to read or watch TV tonight

----------


## Suzi

I hope you're resting....

----------


## Jaquaia

I cooked cherry and almond tart and custard (from frozen. The tart that is, not the custard...) I'm going to fill my water bottle up and go settle down with my book though.

----------


## Paula

Hi, lovely, how are you doing?

----------


## Suzi

Morning gorgeous, what's on today's agenda?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm tired. I was awake at 5am and couldn't get back to sleep. Managed to doze off about half 8 and the gardener woke me up. So not planning on doing very much today. Maybe some cross-stitch

----------


## Suzi

Be kind to you lovely. Can you have a nap during the day if you need to?

----------


## Jaquaia

I can, going to just lay and read I think, really enjoying Jane Eyre at the moment

----------


## Jaquaia

Just found out my cousin has died. She died last Monday but her own family have only just found out. Part of me feels bad that I don't feel sad but I never really knew her. I wouldn't have a clue what she looked like.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry love....

----------


## Jaquaia

From that side of the family I've only ever had contact with the middle two. Not really bothered about her brother, which sounds harsh, I know, but I have my reasons. It's her sister I really feel for. She cares for her dad who has leukaemia, her youngest daughter has neurofibromatosis, and her husband has lung cancer and maybe a year left. I may not be close to her but I admire her strength so much.

----------


## Paula

Sorry for your familys loss, hunni

----------

Jaquaia (17-06-19)

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're resting...

----------


## Jaquaia

Reading Jane Eyre. Not done anything since tea really.

----------


## Suzi

Good.

----------


## Mira

:Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (17-06-19)

----------


## Paula

> Reading Jane Eyre. Not done anything since tea really.


I watched the Michael Fassbender film yesterday (Ive read the book dozens of times but this adaptation comes closer to the book than any others imo). To me, this is way more romantic and beautiful than Wuthering Heights

----------


## Jaquaia

I need to watch it. I tried Wuthering Heights but struggled to read it until I'd watched the Tom Hardy adaptation. I liked it but haven't read it in years. Really enjoying Jane Eyre though. I have The Tenant of Wildfell Hall somewhere too.

----------


## Paula

Morning, love, how are you?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tired. But need to push through. J is coming to get me soon and we're going out for pizza.

----------


## Mira

Thats something nice to look forward to. You can get through the day being tired. Enjoy your man and pizza. In whatever order you like  :):

----------


## Suzi

> Enjoy your man and pizza. In whatever order you like


That made me smile! Have fun Jaq and J  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I forgot to mentiom, my new niece or nephew is due the 20th December

----------


## Paula

You ok?

----------


## Jaquaia

So so. Pretty much prepared for it to be rammed down my throat for the next 6 months...

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  :(bear):  I wish I could take the pain away....

----------

Jaquaia (18-06-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

It's just something I have to live with

----------


## Mira

:Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (18-06-19)

----------


## Paula

:(bear):

----------

Jaquaia (19-06-19)

----------


## Suzi

You might have to live with it, but it doesn't stop me wishing I could take your pain away.... 
How's you this morning love?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok. I got to wake up next to J so that's always good  :):

----------


## Suzi

I'm pleased for you.... What's on your agenda for this afternoon?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm cross stitching. I'm starting to be able to see which part of the tiger I'm doing now  :):

----------


## Suzi

Yay! That's my plan for this afternoon too!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Can I ask you guys something? Have you noticed anything about my mood? J has noticed that my mood can drop really quickly and I can be really low in no time at all and it's starting to concern him. I hadn't noticed.

----------


## Suzi

I don't see that it drops that fast - but that might be because of gaps in posting... I have noticed that your moods do seem to crash hard. Always around certain issues, but more than that too....

----------


## magie06

I have to agree. You do seem to get down and then not post here when you do. I just hope this doesn't upset you.

----------


## Paula

I agree with Magie, you dont post when youre crashing, and arent honest (sorry)  when you do so its hard to know exactly how fast the drops are and how low. But I have noticed you havent been stable recently - but there is a lot going on

----------


## Jaquaia

Thank you for your honesty. J is going to be smug now  :(giggle): 

I'm not suicidal and I've had no urge to self harm, so the new meds are working to an extent. I think I need to start keeping a mood diary

----------


## Suzi

I think keeping a mood diary is a good idea. But only if  you keep an honest one......

----------


## Jaquaia

I will. I promise

----------


## Suzi

I'll do everything I can to help along the way...

----------


## Jaquaia

Thank you. That's because you're a lovely person  :Panda:

----------

Suzi (19-06-19)

----------


## Paula

> Thank you for your honesty. J is going to be smug now 
> 
> I'm not suicidal and I've had no urge to self harm, so the new meds are working to an extent. I think I need to start keeping a mood diary


The meds are working, but you know as well as I do that theyre not the only answer. Good MH also needs good self care .....




> Thank you. That's because you're a lovely person


Yes, thats true, but also because youre a lovely person so people want to help you

----------

Suzi (19-06-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Thank you.

Well my dad has to drink less so that should help ease some of my anxiety. The consultant told him that his bloods have shown an issue with his liver and that the last lot shows it's gotten worst so he has to cut down on his drinking. 

I think I need to get into a routine, try and do a little housework each day, do some uni reading, and make some time for me. I need to get into that habit so things don't overwhelm me.

----------


## Paula

Do you think hell listen to the doctor?

Do you sit down at the beginning of the week and plan each day or do you just pick up whatever you need to do, and keep doing it til youre exhausted?

----------


## Jaquaia

He didn't drink yesterday and has only had a couple today. Not convinced it will last though...

I don't really plan. I know what I need to do but I do it when I feel up to it.

----------


## Suzi

I hope it does last and you don't end up in the situation Marc's in with his father...... I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. 

Have you thought about something like a timetable? A pacing timetable?

----------


## Jaquaia

At times I can't wait to be out of here. Don't get me wrong, I love my family dearly but I don't always like them very much. Other then my dad's drinking, he can get very arsey and aggressive in how he speaks, and he's just incredibly rude when J is here. I don't think he's said a word to him other than bye and occasionally hi in the last year. He's made no effort to get to know him at all and just looks  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ed off when he's here. My mum has pulled him upon it before and he said it's because he doesn't know what to say to him as they have nothing in common...
My mum doesn't bloody listen to anything. 2 years and she still hasn't got her hearing aid sorted. Her legs are a mess because she hasn't listened to what the doctors have told her or what I've repeatedly told her. She has aids to help her do a lot of things herself but never uses them and then complains about being independent. 
I never feel welcome at my sisters, and when she's here she barely says a word to me. My brother often gives the impression that he thinks he's better than me. And Scarlett has said more words to J than both of them put together and she's not even 2!!! It just makes me feel even more of an outsider when my own family (mum excluded) can't even make an effort to try and get to know the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. 

Not sure where all that came from...

I have a driving lesson first thing, then the plan is to move some furniture around in one corner of the living room then cross stitch or read

----------


## Paula

Why, especially as youve been flaring, are you going to move furniture???

----------


## Suzi

Oh FFs I'm going to say it again....... I completely agree with Paula! Moving furniture when flaring sounds like something I'd try to do and I know how stupid that is!

----------


## Paula

> Oh FFs I'm going to say it again....... I completely agree with Paula


Just call me Yoda  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I guess that's me told!!! Would that be a flare? I hadn't thought of it as flaring as I had no pain.

Just got back from my driving lesson... I reversed parked!!!

----------


## Paula

Flare-up: A sudden worsening of the symptoms of a disease or condition: a flare-up of eczema.  Not just pain  :O: 

Well done, hun, on the driving lesson

----------


## Jaquaia

Point taken. I've rung my mum to ask her to pick up my prescription and been told to leave it. So going to have lunch and go potter in my room I think

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you're going to have a recharging and care for yourself day!

----------


## Jaquaia

Probably a good idea as my anxiety is a bit high today. Found it really difficult to settle today, ended up just doing a left hand circuit for the full lesson

----------


## Mira

Thats still great. Feeling that way but still do a lesson. If you can not feel proud about it then know I am proud of it for you. Great job.

----------

Jaquaia (20-06-19)

----------


## OldMike

Glad driving went okay, I like pottering about  :):

----------

Jaquaia (20-06-19)

----------


## Suzi

> Probably a good idea as my anxiety is a bit high today. Found it really difficult to settle today, ended up just doing a left hand circuit for the full lesson


That's not necessarily a bad thing..... Be kind to you please...

----------


## Jaquaia

Does this count as being kind to me?

----------

Suzi (20-06-19)

----------


## Paula

Definitely  :): . How are you?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tired and a bit flat. Going to finish Jane Eyre tonight though, so more resting.

----------


## Suzi

It's looking good! 
Hope you're being kind to you lovely.

----------


## Jaquaia

Just got off the phone with J, not planning anything other than reading the last 100 pages. Actually recognising that I'm running low on spoons.

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're resting lovely... be kind to you...

----------


## Jaquaia

I've just read. I've been good. Think J is worried, he said I sound really low again..

----------


## Paula

What are your plans for tomorrow?

----------


## Jaquaia

Probably helping my dad move around in the living room, shower Talia and wash her bedding, then read/cross-stitch/something

----------


## Suzi

I really don't think you should be moving furniture around love. You're flaring, your low..... Maybe you have to say "not right now" and put what you NEED first?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've never really known how to do that. I'm also very aware that I'm living here for free so need to help out and I don't do a lot as it is

----------


## Paula

You do a hell of a lot! Your posts are littered with details of you hoovering, doing the washing, looking after your mum, taking her to appointments, dealing with her meds, looking after Talia etc etc. Do you take my point?

----------


## Jaquaia

It doesn't feel like I do a lot as I spend so much time just sat.

----------


## OldMike

I agree with Paula you do, do a lot plus on top of that there's all your uni work.

----------


## Suzi

> I've never really known how to do that. I'm also very aware that I'm living here for free so need to help out and I don't do a lot as it is


You ARE joking right? Who does the shopping, the baking, the hoovering, the sorting of your mums meds, sorting hospital appointments, changing the beds, sorting Talia, cooking?

----------


## Jaquaia

My dad's been doing most of the baking and cooking though I help. I do all the rest though. 

You'll be pleased to know  that I've showered Talia and washed her bedding and then just sat and done some cross-stitch

----------


## Mira

I think you are doing a good job in helping where you can. Dont think otherwise.

----------


## Paula

Well done for putting you first for a change

----------


## Suzi

Good! I'm glad!

----------


## Jaquaia

This evening is going to be snuggling with J, and I've started reading "A Discovery of Witches" too.

----------


## Suzi

That sounds like a lovely way to spend an evening!

----------


## Paula

> This evening is going to be snuggling with J, and I've started reading "A Discovery of Witches" too.


Loved those books!

----------


## Jaquaia

I picked up the first book for £2 in a second hand book shop  :(clap):

----------


## Suzi

I've not read any of them - should I add them to my ever growing list?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've only read a few chapters but I'm really enjoying it

----------

Suzi (22-06-19)

----------


## Paula

> I've not read any of them - should I add them to my ever growing list?


Yes, definitely yes. Dont be put of by the tv series, the books are so much better

----------

Suzi (22-06-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Starting to feel like I'm getting somewhere now

----------

OldMike (24-06-19),Paula (23-06-19)

----------


## Suzi

You're doing brilliantly!

----------


## Jaquaia

It's keeping me occupied and out of the way, which is good as I'm irritable today.

----------


## Suzi

Are you still keeping a mood diary?

----------


## Jaquaia

I need to dig a notebook out. Been trying to post more here to keep track. 

Brought up with my mum that their comments after my driving lessons aren't helpful. It's usually "how many have you knocked over today then?". That has always been one of my biggest fears and a large part of why I left learning to drive so late. "We're only having a laugh with you "... why am I not surprised that, as usual, it's me being over sensitive...

----------


## Suzi

I agree, not helpful. 

Sweetheart can you make starting a mood diary a top priority please? You tend to go quiet here when things aren't great so that's not always going to give a really accurate picture of how you really are itms?

----------


## Paula

So, when said that theyre only having a laugh, how did you respond?

----------


## Jaquaia

I pointed out that I didn't find it funny, that that is one of the reasons I put learning to drive off for so long, that I'm still nervous behind the wheel and that some support might be nice. 

I will try with ghe diary Suzi. I can always use notes on my phone.

----------


## magie06

I've been driving over 15 years and it's still one of my greatest fears that someone will walk out in front of me and I won't have time to react. Having said that I'm 15 years driving and it has never happened yet. Chances are it will never happen to you either. 
I think you are doing so well with your driving. You have come on so much with your new instructor. Keep at, you are awesome!!!

----------

Jaquaia (24-06-19),Suzi (24-06-19)

----------


## Mira

Whats funny and not funny is different for everybody. So when you tell someone you dont find it funny that should be it. And it would be nice if people could be considerate. Its that simple. We all have things that when someone makes a joke about it it hurts or sets off emotions. I try to be considerate when someone tells me how it makes them feel.

----------

Jaquaia (24-06-19),Paula (24-06-19),Suzi (24-06-19)

----------


## OldMike

That's sort of joke that soon becomes old very quick and I can understand how it could upset you, none of us know what's ahead of us and we can all come up with the worst scenario to the point where we wouldn't even leave the house. Jaq you're getting out there learning to drive and doing brilliantly just ignore your mother's so called jokes.  :Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (24-06-19),Suzi (24-06-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Thanks guys. Talking to her wound me up and I didn't get to sleep until almost 1. 

In much better news, J's dad saw his oncologist today and has been given the all clear!!!!  :(party):  :(party):  :(party):

----------


## magie06

That is great news. Thank God for that.

----------

Jaquaia (24-06-19)

----------


## Suzi

Hooray! 

Have you been pacing today if you were up late?

----------

Jaquaia (24-06-19)

----------


## Paula

Thats wonderful news!

----------

Jaquaia (24-06-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I've been cross stitching and reading. Nearly finished "A Discovery of Witches"

----------


## Jaquaia

I've just applied for my level 1. If they still have spaces and I can split payment, I start the 9th September. I may have lost my marbles as uni starts again on the 5th October...

----------


## Paula

Youre incredible  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Not sure I'd go that far. It's going to be bloody hard work.

----------


## Suzi

You're the last person to shy away from something because it was hard work....

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm having doubts about whether I can do it or not already.

----------


## Paula

Of course you can bloody well do it!!!!!!!

----------


## Suzi

Of course you can!

----------


## Jaquaia

I hope so. It will be over half way through when my new modules start so shouldn't be as stressful as starting in May would have been. Well, apart from 3 hours a week for 7 weeks with new people...

----------


## magie06

I really, really think you can do this. You've said in the past that you could never drive, but look at you now! You've also said (quite a few times) that you wouldn't finish last terms stuff - but you did, and with very good marks too. You can do this, and don't forget to thank all of us for waving pom poms in the background, when you do it.

----------

Jaquaia (25-06-19),Paula (25-06-19),Suzi (25-06-19)

----------


## Mira

Yes I agree. Its a shame that your thoughts are projecting this onto you while everything else proves the opposite. You are a strong woman that can do whatever she goes for. We all have seen that on more then one accasion. You got this.

----------

Jaquaia (25-06-19)

----------


## Suzi

I completely agree!

How are you today?

----------

Jaquaia (25-06-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm tired but slowly plodding on

----------


## magie06

Slowly plodding is good. It means you are pacing. Suzi would be proud.

----------

Suzi (25-06-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Shhhh... don't tell her that her nagging is working....

----------

Suzi (25-06-19)

----------


## Paula

Or that shes always right .....

----------

Suzi (25-06-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Sarah created a monster...

Well I'm being good. I've started reading "The Casual Vacancy". £2.50 from the second hand bookshop in Pickering! Looks brand new, there's not even any creases on the spine!

----------

Suzi (25-06-19)

----------


## Suzi

Have you not read that one before? It's much better than the tv series was! 

And yes... Am very proud....

----------


## Jaquaia

I never watched the TV series either. Trying to work my way through my to read pile before I buy more.

----------


## Suzi

Lol! I have a very long list!

----------


## Paula

> Sarah created a monster...


Yes she did! Mind you, she promised me my very own certificate too *pouts*

----------


## Jaquaia

> Lol! I have a very long list!


I have a pile of books near my fan, at last count there were about 50 there... all unread... There is another pile of about 20 books in the corner near my dvd's... all unread. And about 10 boxes in the shed with about 30/40 I haven't read yet....

----------

Suzi (25-06-19)

----------


## magie06

With your determination you will get there. 
Maybe you are secretly thinking of opening a book shop?? :(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

Hell no!!!! I don't get rid of books!!!! I have about 600/700, maybe more.

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  I'm the same, drives Marc to distraction!

How are you today?

----------


## Paula

Any plans today?

----------


## Jaquaia

Had a brilliant driving lesson!!! (Day early this week due to Bob being unavailable tomorrow). Drove completely independently with only a few hints from Bob, was very stop/start with roadworks/letting traffic through/parked cars and I didn't stall once! Spent pretty much the whole lesson driving at the speed limit, my approach to roundabouts is a lot better, and I spent a fair bit of time in 4th gear! So pleased with how I did today!!! 

Very tired though, been awake since before 6am, Talia had an accident... so today I'm going to finish my book and look at my theory book!

----------


## Paula

:(party):

----------


## Jaquaia

Just paid the first payment for my level 1 so definitely starting it in September...

----------


## Suzi

So many positives!!!

----------


## Jaquaia

It's real now though and scary

----------


## Mira

Yes its real. But you got this. Your mind is trying to trick you and tries to make you believe its to hard etc. But so many people see your potential. And how far you have come already. All the people here. J sees it. You got this.

----------

Jaquaia (26-06-19),Paula (27-06-19),Suzi (26-06-19)

----------


## Suzi

Mira is right. You've got this and we've got you.

----------

Jaquaia (26-06-19)

----------


## magie06

Everything and anything new is scary. It is when we are children and although we try to mask it, it's still scary when we are adults. 
Do what you did the last time. Take it week by week and assignment by assignment. It's better than trying to do it all at once.
Remember no-one every ate an elephant in one go. But bit by bit they got there!!  :(rofl):

----------

Jaquaia (26-06-19),Suzi (26-06-19)

----------


## magie06

Did you manage to stay cooler today?

----------


## Jaquaia

It's not been much higher than 16 today, and overcast. It's my friend Shay I feel for, he's gone over to visit his wifes family in Poland and it's hit 40...

----------


## Flo

The woman that organises the Club has just come back from Croatia and she said the heat and humidity was unbearable!!

----------


## Suzi

Fern's going on a day trip to the Somme tomorrow! She doesn't cope well in heat lol..... 

How are you today love?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm tired. Been awake nearly 2 and a half hours and still haven't found the energy to get up yet.

----------


## Paula

Why have you been up that early, feeling ok?

----------


## Jaquaia

I generally do wake up around 7. What doesn't help is I fell asleep around half 8 last night for 2 hours and didn't get back to sleep until 1and vaguely remember waking up when Talia jumped on the bed.

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni  :Panda:  :(bear):

----------


## magie06

How are things?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm knackered now. I did all the ironing and I'm now melting and my back is aching. Going to put the ironing board away, have some lunch then change into my shorts and flop on my bed with the fan on and read for the rest of the day!

----------


## magie06

That is a great plan!

----------


## Mira

Thats a good plan. If the weather is the same as here then you deserve a break and a read. If you are real hot you could put a frozen cooling element in front of it. Cheap airconditioning  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

My bedroom is surprisingly cool!!! I ache though.

----------


## magie06

Ache??? Have you had enough to drink, to eat meds??

----------


## Jaquaia

Had more to drink than I normally have. Not had a lot to eat, never do in this weather. Meds all taken. I was just stood up for 3 hours, a year ago I couldn't do that, half an hour would have been a challenge, now, my hip starts aching. I should be getting a physio referral when I next see the OT so that will be getting looked at.

----------


## magie06

Are you cool enough?

----------


## Jaquaia

I am. But I am starting with a headache so maybe need to drink more...

----------


## Paula

An hour later, did you drink more?

----------


## Jaquaia

I am drinking. Slowly but surely. Headache has eased a lot so it must be working.

----------


## Suzi

I hope you're feeling better?

----------


## Jaquaia

I am. Just irritated. A starts school in September and there was a meeting at the school tonight to give parents the info. Cruella had a "dance" class tonight. She didn't bother looking at starting the class 10 minutes later, she was going to leave the meeting early instead. In the end, she didn't bother going at all. It's how it always is, her life takes precedent over the childrens. She told T last week that if his behaviour doesn't improve then he can't stay with her anymore...

----------


## Suzi

I'm not going to say anything - I was told if I can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all....... Did J go to the meeting?

----------


## Jaquaia

He did. He does everything he can to attend the childrens things.

----------


## Mira

In that case I should remain silent too. The kids will see the difference though. With J trying his best to be there every time. And..... Who puts her own social things first. I have been there.

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad he was there. At least they have one parent and you who give a sh*t

----------


## Jaquaia

I will never get to be a mum, but I can show those children what a mum should be like

----------


## Paula

Mum is just a word, its the relationship that matters and thats what youll have

----------

Suzi (28-06-19)

----------


## Suzi

> I will never get to be a mum, but I can show those children what a mum should be like


Sounds to me that you're more of a Mum now than she has ever been. How do I know? Because you constantly think about them and what would be best for them, rather than putting your wants and desires first. You are so much more than they've ever had and they haven't met you yet, let alone had the chance to love you...

----------


## Jaquaia

That made me cry. Thank you

----------


## Suzi

I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm sorry...

----------


## Jaquaia

Don't be daft you narna. There's absolutely no need to apologise. Your words meant a lot, I just think you and Paula are rubbing off on me  :O: 

I'm struggling a bit today

----------

Suzi (28-06-19)

----------


## Paula

Pah, I dont know what youre talking about  :O: 

What is it thats making you struggle? Anything in particular or just one of those days?

----------


## Jaquaia

Yesterday didn't really help, I didn't sleep all that well, and just one of those days I think.

----------


## Suzi

I bet the heat and humidity aren't great either? I sympathise. 
Do you have any plans to be kind to you or doing something nice this weekend?

----------


## Jaquaia

No plans but probably just reading or cross stitch or something

----------


## magie06

And to be kind to you??

----------


## Jaquaia

I can try

----------


## Suzi

How's project "Be kind to Jaq day?"

----------


## Jaquaia

I've read some of the highway code. It's about the extent of my activity today

----------


## Paula

When youre up to it, theres apps that simulate the theory test. But I wouldnt worry too much about it yet

----------


## Suzi

Sounds sensible - esp in this heat!

----------


## Jaquaia

I have a book with all of the test revision questions in. I've roped my brother into helping me and I'll rope J into helping me too. I want to get it out of the way before October ideally.

----------


## Suzi

Ben's got his theory test booked for the end of the month. He's been finding the hazard perception one harder...

----------


## Jaquaia

It's too hot already. I don't like it. Great for drying the washing though

----------


## Suzi

Mellllllllllllllllllllllllllting here in Surrey.... 33oC so far

----------


## OldMike

Melting up here in Manchester too, I'm like a grease spot, 31 C here but feels like 33 C according to the forecast.

----------


## Jaquaia

26 here. Good job I'm not going out or I'd have to send a city wide warning out to wear sunglasses with how white my legs are!!! These are so lovely and cool though https://www.asos.com/prd/9267116

----------


## Suzi

Those are really pretty!

----------


## Jaquaia

They're lovely on. Only issue is my legs stick to the sofa  :(giggle): 

Done all the washing today and got the majority out on the line. Tomorrow will be an easier day

----------


## Suzi

It's currently 29oC here and I'm really hating it! I'm about to stand under a very cold shower and head to bed with the fan aimed on me and my cool gel pad on my pillow! 

Hope you get some sleep lovely. Apparently it'll be about 10oC cooler here tomorrow. Am definitely looking forward to that!

----------


## Jaquaia

It's dropped to 23 here. My friend is in France for work at the moment... 43°C....

----------


## Suzi

Yuk! I've friends living in France too! 

So..... How's you this morning?

----------


## Jaquaia

Irritable. Not as tired, I didn't wake up until 10 so I obviously needed the sleep, but got very little energy

----------


## Paula

Then I hope youre going to take it easy today.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm only planning to cross stitch after dinner.

----------

Paula (30-06-19)

----------


## Suzi

I've been doing on and off all day so I sympathise. I hope you're resting lovely...

----------


## Jaquaia

I ended up getting roped in to helping my dad clean the living room so no cross stitch but I am reading.  Tomorrow I'm cleaning the bathroom as he's bought me a pair of shorts for doing it. If I can get it done in the morning, I can spend the afternoon resting.

----------


## Suzi

As long as that's all you do....

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm going to try but there will probably be running around after my mum too, she seems to be doing less and less for herself...

----------


## Paula

What happens if you dont do it all for her?

----------


## Jaquaia

Some she'll do herself, or my dad will do it. But a lot of the time, she waits until I'm in the room, or that's what it feels like

----------


## Suzi

Maybe you could remind her that "use it or lose it".....

----------


## Paula

Have you asked her how shell cope when you move out?

----------


## Jaquaia

She'll just say that she'll have to get on with it

----------


## Suzi

Could you try training her by leaving things for her to do now?

----------


## Jaquaia

They just get left. That's why I started doing the washing, because it was getting left so long that I was running out of clothes. I don't mind doing housework, it's when I get called back from halfway upstairs to make her a cup of tea, and little things like that.

----------


## OldMike

> Could you try training her by leaving things for her to do now?


Nice idea Suzi but I can imagine she (Jaq's mum) won't take the hint.

----------


## Paula

So, do you wait before making the tea? Perhaps finish the job youre jobbing?

----------


## Jaquaia

I often tell her not right now. It just gets frustrating when it feels like she's waiting for me to move so she doesn't have to move herself.

----------


## Jaquaia

I maybe should have split the bathroom into 2 days. I've needed to use my wrist splint on my left hand today. It's making cross stitching awkward!

----------


## Suzi

I sympathise, I've made my wrist sore too.... Cross stitching is definitely easier without wrist splints! lol 

Have you managed to get much cross stitching done? Resting?

----------


## Jaquaia

Well you can tell what it is now!!! So yes, resting. My thread kept knotting and I was starting to get to the launching it at the wall stage so settling down to read "Fire and Blood". It's the history of the Targaryan Kings and is really interesting so far!

----------


## Mira

Wow, thats looking great. Do you think you have found a hobby for live?

----------


## Mira

Sorry I meant life.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm one of those who has lots of hobbies, it all depends on how I'm feeling on what I do.

----------


## Paula

You can buy thread wax which coats the thread a prevents it knotting fraying etc. Normally its used for metallic threads as they tend to split but I cant see why you couldnt use it for stranded cotton thread

----------

Jaquaia (02-07-19)

----------


## Suzi

It's looking great!

----------


## Jaquaia

I love that I can finally see it taking shape. 

Worked out that I read 8 books last month. That's slow reading for me! But slowly able to focus more.

----------

Paula (02-07-19)

----------


## Suzi

Good!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Ffs! Bought Talia a ball a few weeks ago. It's only a tennis ball with a hard rubber frame around it so I specifically told my mum that if she decides to play with Talia in the garden, do NOT throw it towards the back fence as it will go underneath... Guess what she's done!  :@:  and as usual it's not her fault. It's Talia's fault because she "didn't run fast enough"

----------


## Suzi

Oh what a pita! That's really annoying! 

How are you this morning? What's on your agenda today?

----------


## Jaquaia

Today is resting, my left shoulder, elbow and wrist was throbbing by the time I went to bed, ended up rubbing tiger balm in my shoulder just to get some relief. Shoulder is still stiff.

----------


## Paula

I know theres lots and kettles involved here, but you really do need to stop doing activities that are going to hurt _before_ you get to the stage where they hurt ......

----------


## Jaquaia

It didn't hurt when I finished cleaning the bathroom, it didn't hurt last time at all. A lot of the time it's guesswork as to what I can do

----------


## Mira

Are there no tells at all if it might come? As with my gout I can feel a slight tingle and I know its time for meds.

----------


## Jaquaia

Not really. But then my inflammation markers are always slightly elevated so it's maybe a case of the disease is always active at a low level and I just aggravated it. I see the occupational therapist on Tuesday and she's supposed to be referring me to the physio then about my shoulders and hip, and I should be seeing my rheumatologist soon too. 

I am resting today, I'm cross stitching, but I've only gone and snapped my needle....

----------


## Suzi

I hate it when that happens! The flair and the needle snapping!! Hope the resting is helping a bit...

----------


## Jaquaia

My shoulder and elbow are just stiff and my wrist is still achy. I'll live. Blood tests and driving lesson tomorrow

----------


## Suzi

Come and sit in my hot tub  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

A hot tub would be awesome! But swimwear in front of people.... nah!!!  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

It's only me  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't even wear shorts if I'm going further than the back garden!

----------


## Suzi

Neither do I!

----------


## Paula

Dont wear shorts, period. Havent since I was 25!

----------


## Jaquaia

Haven't since I was 12, this is a recent thing. That and I was in danger of resembling a snowman in the saharain jeans :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

I have a pair I only wear in the garden and house - my kids just accept it and I've been told by Hazel that actually it doesn't matter what size you are, you still deserve to feel cool too. She's actually really good for your self esteem - her and Ferny actually. I might start renting them out to make you feel better about yourself!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Really tired today. Was still awake at half 1, was up at 7 for blood tests. Had a really good driving lesson though! Plan for the rest of the day is rest

----------


## magie06

Omg, REST? You? Does that really mean doing nothing or rest Jaq style and completely rearrange the house while power washing the outside and cutting the grass. Lol  :(rofl):

----------

Suzi (04-07-19)

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):  Magie! 

Glad the driving  went well love! What is "rest" entailing today?

----------


## Jaquaia

> Omg, REST? You? Does that really mean doing nothing or rest Jaq style and completely rearrange the house while power washing the outside and cutting the grass. Lol


Pot and kettle!!!  :P:  :(rofl): 




> Magie! 
> 
> Glad the driving  went well love! What is "rest" entailing today?


A nap and reading. My wrist is aching again so cross stitch would have been uncomfortable

----------


## Suzi

Hope you've had that nap and have been reading something awesome.

----------


## Jaquaia

Still reading Fire and Blood. It's over 700 pages so it's taking a while

----------


## Suzi

Fair enough! I assume it's brilliant?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm really enjoying it. It's written like a historical retelling from patchy first hand accounts.

----------


## Mira

You do like George RR Martins books I guess. And you watched the show? Did you ever see this one on youtube? It made me laugh.

----------


## Jaquaia

I've not read the main GoT books yet, book 1 is still packed in the shed, but I do like what I've read and loved the show

----------


## Paula

Well done  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Bob is a star! He's set me an account up on his theory test pro! 

I'm on edge now. My brother was down and it feels like I've spent far too much time around people. And I've been informed that there's a bbq for Scarlett's birthday next Saturday, I wouldn't have known if my mum and brother hadn't talked about it in front of me.

----------

Paula (04-07-19)

----------


## Paula

Bob does sound like a star!

----------


## Jaquaia

He's absolutely brilliant. So pleased I changed instructor when I did or I don't think I would have carried on.

----------

OldMike (05-07-19)

----------


## Suzi

Bob sounds awesome. 

Are you going to the BBQ or is it too much right now?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know. My dad asked if I was going to my sisters with it being Scarlett's birthday and I said yes, but that was before I knew they were doing a bbq for friends and family

----------


## Suzi

Could you take J?

----------


## Jaquaia

He's got the children

----------


## magie06

When you sleep on it, it might help you make up your mind. Sending hugs this evening.  :(bear):

----------


## Suzi

Hmm, could you take us on your phone? Text us or something when you need a 5 min break? I'm happy to call you with some kind of emergency so you need to leave - you know like you arrange with a mate if you're going out on a first date?

----------


## Jaquaia

My mums driving. Leaving early will mean either my mum leaving too or two buses home.

----------


## Suzi

OK, but maybe to give you a 5 min "outage"?

----------


## Jaquaia

I may not even go yet. I'll have to see how I feel nearer the time

----------


## Paula

Just make sure you make the right decision for _you_ not for the rest of your family

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Jaquaia (05-07-19)

----------


## magie06

How are you feeling today?

----------


## Suzi

Offer's there if you want/need it... Always x

----------


## Jaquaia

> How are you feeling today?


Tired and apparently I sounded low this morning as J showed up and surprised me.




> Offer's there if you want/need it... Always x


Thank you. That's because you're awesome

----------


## Suzi

How goes it Miss Jaq?

----------


## Jaquaia

So so. Finding it hard knowing they're all together at T's birthday party, (well... half birthday party. His birthday is Christmas Day and it's a bit rubbish really). Just have to suck it up really.

----------


## Suzi

Oh love! Won't be forever love, keep hold of that.

----------


## Jaquaia

He's got the last few things to do for the solicitor then everything should be sorted. He was talking about going public as soon as everything is finalised but not convinced it will happen then with how unpredictable Cruella is

----------


## Paula

Why shouldnt it? Once everythings legally in place theres nothin she can do

----------


## Suzi

He can't keep you a secret forever love...

----------


## Jaquaia

I think it's all my head, running over and over things and coming up with the worst case scenario

----------


## Suzi

After all you've been through and who you've been with I'm not surprised lovely... Don't beat yourself up about it.

----------


## Jaquaia

Trying not too. Hate my head at times

----------


## Suzi

Hunni, the guy loves you.. As soon as things are sorted legally he'll be wanting to shout and scream about how much he loves you from the top of every rooftop in the world!

----------


## Jaquaia

I know. I never doubt how he feels, it's just my head playing silly buggers

----------


## magie06

You have had a few nights of disturbed sleep in the past week. I don't know about you, but my mind works overtime when I'm tired. And it's not just falling down tiredness, it can just be that I woke myself to go to the loo or even when I was turning over.

----------

Suzi (06-07-19)

----------


## Suzi

How are you lovely? Have you told him how you are feeling?

----------


## Jaquaia

He knows, even though I stubbornly refused to confirm or deny. I don't know why I do that. Apart from not wanting him to apologise. I promise I will be honest with him today.

----------


## Suzi

Good I'm glad. How long before things are sorted legally?

----------


## Paula

> I promise I will be honest with him today.


Please, please do

----------


## magie06

I hope things are easier for you today.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not sure. Maybe a month or 2. 

His friend has just invited me to her husbands surprise birthday party... it's not until September and I'm already panicking...

----------


## Paula

Because its his friend or because its a party?

----------


## Jaquaia

Both. I've still not met her and I don't tend to do well at parties

----------


## Suzi

You have a lot going on in your head right now. Can you get any of it out of your head by talking to J about it? I'm glad you're mentioning it here, but I don't think you're being totally open and 100% honest about it all here - I think you're hiding part of how you are feeling...

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not even sure how I'm feeling most of the time

----------


## Paula

Really? Or is it more you dont want to face what youre feeling?

----------


## Jaquaia

Maybe. And possibly because I sometimes think that how I feel is unreasonable.

----------


## Paula

How you feel is never unreasonable, as you tell us all the time ....

----------


## Jaquaia

I embrace hypocrisy!!!

----------


## Suzi

As do I my love, but only in myself... You need to spill.....

----------


## Jaquaia

Just one example... I follow him on fb, not sure how I did it but left it as it was as she can't see so no hassle. Yesterday he posted photos of T's half birthday party and tagged her and it bothered me. He warned me what he'd done but I'd already seen the post and I shrugged it off as ok. Except it raised my insecurities. It's the happy family illusion that it implies while our relationship is a secret, it's my head telling me that maybe he would prefer to have his children all the time and he would consider going back to her to achieve that. It's my head convincing me that she's expecting him to try again. I didn't tell him this as I knew he would apologise and he doesn't need to be sorry.

Seeing that written down makes it feel pathetic

----------


## magie06

It's not pathetic at all. It affects you therefore it's significant. 
Thank you for sharing. It means a lot and I knew there was a lot on your mind. 
It's a lot to go through when the person you love has children with a previous partner. The children will always come first, whatever the relationship with the partner is like. I think J is just trying to do that. Put his children first. Unfortunately Cruella is going to be in that picture too. I know it hurts, but I know you have the strength to overcome the hurt and push through. 
Keep talking, keep telling us how hard and  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ty, and difficult it is. But know that you have it in you to be the better person.

----------

Jaquaia (06-07-19)

----------


## Paula

If it was me at Katies party when she was younger, Id have tagged her dad too. I wouldnt have seen it as anything more than him being there. Its not pathetic, love, but you do need to start trusting him. Hes said your relationship will only be secret for a few more weeks, if you love him you have to believe that there is no happy families with Cruella.

----------

Jaquaia (06-07-19)

----------


## selena

This situation can really hurt. You are actually very strong, although very fragile at the same time. I cannot judge, but I think she uses manipulations a lot. Anyway it will come to an end and you will finally be able to go together public.

----------

Jaquaia (06-07-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

> If it was me at Katie’s party when she was younger, I’d have tagged her dad too. I wouldn’t have seen it as anything more than him being there. It’s not pathetic, love, but you do need to start trusting him. He’s said your relationship will only be secret for a few more weeks, if you love him you have to believe that there is no ‘happy families’ with Cruella.


I trust him yet I can't shut up these voices that he can do so much better than me. I don't doubt for a second how he feels about me, it's my head that is screwed up. I understand why he tagged her, she was there and she is their mum, it just didn't stop it hurting. I thought that hurt was unreasonable so I never said anything

----------


## Paula

Its not unreasonable but......  When Katies dad met his now wife, I was hugely pregnant with Jess. He told her about Katie, about me and about my pregnancy. Years later, she told me that she thought I was pregnant with his baby and it took her a long time to pluck up the courage to ask him. She could have walked away, and would have saved herself a lot of heartache if shed just talked to him.......

----------


## Jaquaia

I've finally talked to him but he'd already guessed. I just feel pathetically needy. I'm hoping it will be easier once we go public.

----------


## Paula

Well done, lovely

----------


## Suzi

I'm so glad you have talked to him. Did you tell him everything?

----------


## Jaquaia

I did. He's smug because he was right.

----------


## Suzi

Lol! I s'pose him being smug is OK for now....

----------


## Jaquaia

I know I need to talk to him but my instinct is to hide. It's hard to get past that.

----------


## Suzi

I can understand that when you've had such crap in the past. It is a learning curve. Took me a long time with Marc too.... But it will happen....

----------


## Jaquaia

Had a lovely day at my sisters. Lots of talk about her pregnancy, a newborn in the house, then Scarlett stabbed me with a fork, scratched my arm with it, threw her slipper in my face and then threw my dads phone at me...

----------


## magie06

What did you do to upset Scarlett? I really hope your sister is giving extra hugs, kisses and reassurance that Scarlett will still be her little girl.

----------


## Jaquaia

I told her to take the fork out of my hair

----------


## Paula

> What did you do to upset Scarlett? I really hope your sister is giving extra hugs, kisses and reassurance that Scarlett will still be her little girl.


Added to what Magies saying, Scarlett may also be acting out as shes worried shell lose you to the baby ....

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not sure she even remembers what my name is...

----------


## Suzi

I was exactly going to say what Paula and Magie  have said - sweetheart she's going to be feeling really pushed out because of "the baby" and she adores you - she will be pushing you because negative attention is much easier to get than positive......

----------


## Jaquaia

Maybe

----------


## Mira

How does this all make you feel?

----------


## Paula

Not maybe, hunni. Katie was 3 when I was pregnant with Jess. Believe me, shes pushing you

----------


## Suzi

I had a hideous time with Ben when I was pg with Hazel and then Fern...

----------


## Jaquaia

Heading out to the OT, see what I come home with today...

----------


## Suzi

Good luck lovely!

----------


## Jaquaia

I've got some foam tube to put on narrow things to help me grip things like forks better, some dycem mat to help me open jars, and lots of advice on how to do things to protect my joints and advice on aids. My next appointment is to teach me hand exercises then it should be discharge I think.

----------


## Paula

That sounds positive?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Did you find it all helpful???

----------


## Jaquaia

It was. It also showed me just how little notice my mum took when she had these sessions.

----------


## Strugglingmum

I guess with any treatment/therapy you get out of it what you put in. Today I've realised some people see to be programmed not to listen.

----------

Jaquaia (09-07-19)

----------


## Suzi

Absolutely SM. It's about what you put in.... Glad you found it helpful lovely x

----------

Jaquaia (09-07-19)

----------


## Mira

Some people are more aware of what they are told in sessions. And in life general. I dont think your mum is one of those. But you are.

----------

Jaquaia (09-07-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I spoke to J about all the aids that could help me if my hands get really bad and asked if he'd be ok with having a house full of them. His response was pretty much he doesn't care as long as it helps me. Never expected any different really  :(inlove): . Going to order some of the pen grips ready for September, she let us try some today and they made holding a pen so much more comfortable. 

TOTM has arrived, my mood being so low lately makes perfect sense now. It feels ridiculous just how much hormones drop my mood.

----------


## Paula

Its not ridiculous, though Im wondering if theres anything your doctor  can do to help you. I know its all tricky, but is it worth asking if theres something you havent tried?

----------

Jaquaia (10-07-19),Strugglingmum (10-07-19)

----------


## Mira

That is a good point Paula makes. We also looked into that with my ex. Her mood started to drop a week before totm and they did find something that could have an effect on it.

And I would have thought J would respind that way. I think he is great for you. This is a practical response so he is thinking about practical things and with the amount of love he has for you..... I am so happy for you.

----------

Jaquaia (10-07-19)

----------


## Suzi

I agree with Paula, there are loads of options.... Definitely worth talking to your GP.

----------

Jaquaia (10-07-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't think my GP would be willing to touch my meds but I can bring up the issue when I next see him.

----------


## Suzi

There may be something different? What about the pill?

----------


## magie06

Jaq I used to suffer terribly from mood swings before and even during my totm. I mentioned it to my GP and she had a look at my meds. She suggested the pill, but it gave me migraine when I was on it before. So she suggested a coil. It has helped enormously. I'm not saying the mood swings are completely gone, but they are certainly much, much less than they were before. Also the coil has made my very heavy periods much lighter than they were. And it doesn't interfere with my meds. 
It's not for everyone. But do a bit of research, it just might help. I was very weary at first but really it has helped.

----------


## Jaquaia

I've been told a few times that they won't prescribe me the pill because of my weight as I don't need to prevent pregnancy. I will talk to my gp when I go.

----------


## Paula

Have you had that conversation since you lost the weight?

----------


## Jaquaia

I can't remember. I think the gp did mention it earlier in the year/late last year when they called me in to discuss my blood results

----------


## Mira

I remember when I was with my ex in the hospital they also talked about taking the pill. If only to level the balance and make the moods less heavy.

----------


## Suzi

Go, talk to them - the worst they can say is that they'll do nothing... At best you can get some help.

----------


## Paula

You sound reluctant to have the pill, are you?

----------


## Jaquaia

A little. I was on it as a teen because of some medication I was on and I put on weight.

----------


## Paula

But, like ADs, theres loads of different types and some will suit, some wont. You wont know until you talk to your doctor ...

----------


## Suzi

Exactly. You know this.... You just haven't put yourself high enough in need of talking to someone about how you are being affected...

----------


## Jaquaia

I will speak to my doctor when I go

----------


## Suzi

When are you due to go next?

----------


## Jaquaia

I might have to go soon. I've developed a rash on my ankles...

----------


## magie06

Could it be a reaction to grass or the heat?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm thinking maybe the grass as I was on it yesterday hanging out bedding and my eyes started itching and watering on my lesson as the council were out cutting grass

----------


## Suzi

That always sets me off.... If it doesn't go down with an antihistamine (- can you take one being on metho? ) Then I think you'd best get yourself checked out....

----------


## Mira

Hey, just wanted to say hi. Sorry to hear about the rash and everything else. Just sending a  :Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (11-07-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

> That always sets me off.... If it doesn't go down with an antihistamine (- can you take one being on metho? ) Then I think you'd best get yourself checked out....


I don't actually know, I'm just finding it weird that it's only on my ankles!

----------


## Suzi

Did your ankles touch any plants?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not that I can remember but I was on the garden yesterday and I had shorts on

----------


## Suzi

I've been living in shorts too! (I did promise the kids I wouldn't get out of the car in them though!) I've been attacked by midges!

----------


## Jaquaia

My mum thought it was maybe heat rash but my inner left ankle felt like it was burning and heat rash has never done that to me before. It's settled down since I've been indoors.

----------


## Suzi

How is it now?

----------


## Jaquaia

Still there but not red today.

----------


## OldMike

Sounds like some sort of allergic reaction, looks like it's subsiding which is good  :):

----------


## Suzi

Have you taken anything?

----------


## Jaquaia

No, Bob did offer me something yesterday as he suffers with hayfever, but I know I should check what I can take first.

----------


## Suzi

Absolutely..... Worth a call to your pharmacy....

----------


## Paula

Morning, hows things?

----------


## Suzi

Did you speak to your pharmacist? 

You're quiet - what's going on?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've been reading a lot. Going to my sisters for Scarlett's birthday, don't really want to but can't keep avoiding things.

----------


## Suzi

You've got us as a backup if you need it lovely...

----------


## Jaquaia

I know. Thank you

----------


## OldMike

Jaq don't forget Suzi has sp*dey senses and will be right there for you as we all are, if you want an old guys opinion I'm your man  :(giggle):

----------

Jaquaia (13-07-19)

----------


## Mira

I can sense things are not ok too. But I think its easy to spot. The avoiding is something I am familiar with. And its horrible. I know that going to that birthday is all that great. But if you dont expect anything nice to happen then you might be suprised by a little thing when it does happen. I do wish sometimes when you talk about reading that I would read more. I like it but dont do it. 

And because I want to give you one here is a  :Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (13-07-19)

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## Paula

How are you doing, hunni?

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## Suzi

How goes it?

----------


## Jaquaia

I survived. Stayed inside talking to my brother and his girlfriend most of the time and I just ignored the ex friend when she arrived. Tired now though

----------


## Mira

Now you can do something relaxing for you. You deserve it.

----------


## Paula

Well done, hunni

----------


## Suzi

You've done great. Now you need to reward yourself...

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## Jaquaia

I've been reading since we got back, though I have a headache now

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## Suzi

How are you this morning lovely? Are you pacing today?

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## OldMike

Morning Jaq how's things going?  :Panda:

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## Jaquaia

I'm doing the washing but I am reading between washes

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OldMike (14-07-19)

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## Suzi

You sound flat.... How's your mood? When are you seeing J next?

----------


## Jaquaia

He's just left, we've been watching the cricket but he's had to head off to work.

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## Mira

When are you seeing him again?

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## Suzi

So... How's your mood? - you didn't answer....... I'm trying to find out if you are just avoiding the questions.....

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## Jaquaia

> When are you seeing him again?


Tuesday  :): 




> So... How's your mood? - you didn't answer....... I'm trying to find out if you are just avoiding the questions.....


It's mostly ok. Anxiety is high at the moment, the cricket is nailbiting!!!

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## Suzi

Cricket? Nail biting? Cricket? Really?

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## Jaquaia

It was brilliant!!! England needed 15 runs from 6 balls to win and ended up scoring 14 which meant they drew. They did something called a super over, which is 6 balls for each team. England scored 15, New Zealand ended up scoring 15 as their batsman got run out on the final ball and England won on the superior number of boundaries in the super over!  World cup champions!!!

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## Suzi

I've never seen the appeal of cricket! My friend at primary's Dad used to play and we used to go and help with the cricket tea! How anyone could run after eating so much cake I've no idea!


How are you today lovely?

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## Jaquaia

So so. Been awake since just before 7 so talked to J as he drove home from work. Was interrupted by a horrendous smell... Talia had  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  her bed... this is what happens when she behaves like a dick instead of actually doing her business before bed! Had just settled back down when my mum decided to tell me she needs me to go to the hospital with her as she will need her wheelchair... 

Still... staying at J's tomorrow night and we're going out for the day so I get to escape!!!

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## Suzi

Oh love! Talia seems to have issues at night a lot... That's horrible for you. 
Hope the hospital with your Mum wasn't too bad...

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## Jaquaia

She hasn't done it for a while now because I leave her out on a night until she's done everything she needs to do but last night she was barking at the fence so I had to bring her in. 

Hospital would go better if she actually listened to what her doctors told her. She was telling her consultant that pain management are taking her off all of her opioid meds and they're not. They're only taking her off the immediate release opioids as that consultant thinks that less opiods may mean the nerve blocks work better. Then she completely changed what the bowel and bladder nurse said to her...

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## Paula

Were you able to contradict her?

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## Jaquaia

I jumped straight in and corrected her as I know they need to know to treat her properly. Though I have found out that I have to see an opthamologist in a few years as they've changed the guidelines for hydroxychloroquine. They're starting my mum on it and apparently they've decided an opticians check isn't detailed enough.

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## Suzi

My friend takes the hydra too... I don't know if she knows about that - I'll pass it on! 

So.... you've had a trying morning. What's the plan for the rest of the day?

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## Jaquaia

Well I got home, helped my dad sort out the makro shop, ordered the rest of the shopping, have washed Talia's bedding and the towels and am now settling down to read. Tomorrow I need to be up and out early, meeting J in Beverley around 9 and then we might be going up to Goathland  :):

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## Paula

Whats Goathland?

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## Jaquaia

It's a village up in the Yorkshire Moors. They filmed Heartbeat there. It's lovely, we went for a 1st year fieldtrip at uni and I ended up on my arse in the mud  :(rofl):

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## Jaquaia

I just thought I'd share...

I'VE BEEN ON A STEAM TRAIN!!!! 

It's so cool!!!

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## Suzi

That IS cool! There's something romantic about a steam train... 

OMG And you've turned blue!  :):

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## Paula

Its a beautiful blue too  :O:

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## Jaquaia

Blue is my favourite colour too!!!

It's steam on the way back too!!!! I love steam, it's surprised J just how much. It's like stepping back in time!

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## Suzi

I didn't know that! I just wanted it to be something different!

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## Jaquaia

It's a lovely blue too!!! 

Nice relaxing evening, I'm sat reading and J is sat on the floor modelling and watching Dr Who. I'd be happy having many evenings like this  :(inlove):

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## OldMike

A very calming blue  :):  Jaq. Jaq have you been on the footplate of a steam engine yet? My sister has she was out with hubby she was invited on to the footplate and her hubs wasn't.

I like steam trains though as kid I lived next a siding and mum used to "There's smuts on my washing it's those bloody steam trains again"

I'm so glad you and J had a brilliant day out.

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## Jaquaia

My module result is due on Tuesday.... eek!!! Cue panic mode!!!

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## Paula

Youll be fine, you always are. Youve absolutely got this!

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## Jaquaia

I'm nervous. I hadn't realised it was so soon.

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## Paula

Just spend half an hour tomorrow morning on planning it out, allowing for rest time. Youve been doing this a while now so you know what youre doing. You will get it done  :):

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## Jaquaia

I have a driving lesson to distract me tomorrow morning. Then I might do some work to prepare for my next modules. At least I'm pretty much guaranteed to pass, unless I've massively messed the last essay up

----------


## Suzi

You're going to be amazingly brilliant! You always are!

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## Jaquaia

Driving was good this morning. We passed my old instructor while I was behind the wheel so big grin as I drove past! Took a corner a bit fast but it's all a learning curve and I'm getting there!

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## Suzi

Hope you pointed her out to Bob!

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## Jaquaia

Oh yes!!! We've seen her before and I pointed her out. I told him today that she expected me to be pretty much independent after 4 lessons and he thought it was ridiculous

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## Mira

That is rediculous. Even the best among us do not make it that fast. It is great that it was a good lesson. How is the work on the modules going?

I like the new blue color  :):

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## Jaquaia

It's pretty!!! 

New modules start the 5th October. Textbooks should be sent out next month. Excited but worried about the workload.

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## Suzi

I'm so pleased you changed instructor! You're so much more confident!
You will be fine! If at any time you need to take a back seat here all you have to do is say... You WILL be awesome!

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## Jaquaia

I know. Thanks lovely.  :): 

I'm going to try my hardest to keep on top of everything this year.

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## Paula

Youve never failed to date, lovely, youre not going to do it this time either  :O:

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## Jaquaia

I wish I had even half the faith in myself that you guys have in me

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## Paula

Well, thats what youve got us for  :O:

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Jaquaia (19-07-19)

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## magie06

Pom poms waving from all the way over here!!

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Jaquaia (19-07-19)

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## Suzi

Morning lovely! How goes it today?

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## OldMike

I've complete faith in you Jaq as have the ladies on this thread.

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Jaquaia (19-07-19)

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## Jaquaia

> Morning lovely! How goes it today?


Tired. Wading through treacle tired so probably flaring a bit, and I'm irritable too. Reading though, my brother will be here later but I will have my "f*** off I'm reading" bookmark in full view  :(giggle):

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## Mira

Haha and does he know its best to leave you be when he sees it?

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## Mira

And I almost forgot a  :Panda:

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## Paula

Good plan, do whatever you need to, lovely

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## Suzi

How's the day been love?

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## Jaquaia

I'm struggling. Got roped into helping my dad put in his new aquarium filter, he's been drinking so is being a bit obnoxious, my brother will be going home soon though so I can escape...

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## Suzi

I haven't heard you say you are struggling for a while. Well done. 
Are you free to escape yet?

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## Jaquaia

I've escaped. Have settled down with my book

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## Suzi

:Panda:  Hope you are escaping properly and are able to sleep well lovely....

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## Jaquaia

I'm addicted to the Throne of Glass book by Sarah J Maas. Currently reading the 6th one in the series, J surprised me with it  :(inlove):

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## Jaquaia

Found an app called my library. Only scanned a shelf and a half and the pile on my bedside table and already hit 85 books. There's another 60 in my to read pile and and 10 or so boxes in the shed plus another 2 shelves, one of which is double stacked...

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## Suzi

Lol! That's so cool!  :):

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## Jaquaia

Finished my bookshelves! 158 books so far!!! Not even quarter of the way through what I've got...

Not got a lot of energy today so trying to take it easy.

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## Mira

Thats good. And I love how you can be into reading. I am a bit jealous to be honoust.

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## Jaquaia

I have been since I was a child. I literally have hundreds and hundreds of books, it's one thing I couldn't live without. I think you just need to find the right book for you. I will read anything and everything whereas my brother sticks to historical fiction or books by Terry Pratchett or Tom Holt and J sticks to factual books on the railway and railway modelling.

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## Paula

I know what you mean, I currently have over 1000 books in my unread Kindle library .....  :):

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## Jaquaia

I have a few hundred on my kindle too!

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Paula (21-07-19)

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## Suzi

I have 100's too.... and on my kindle too  :O:

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## Jaquaia

Fatigue is well and truly kicking my arse today! So resting and reading.

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## Paula

She listens!  :O:

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## Jaquaia

Don't get used to it  :(giggle):

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## magie06

Can you have a nap before it gets much later?

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## Jaquaia

I'll be ok as long as I take it easy

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## Suzi

Hope you have been taking it easy..

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## Jaquaia

Just reading. I've started "To Kill a Mockingbird"

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## Suzi

Love it! 

My girls have both studied it at school. I think it's brilliant that they are using it in school and not hiding from it..

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## Jaquaia

I've never read it before but it was only £1.75 in the bookshop in Pickering!

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## Suzi

How have you never read it? I'd have thought you would have done years ago!

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## Jaquaia

It's never come up at school or at college

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## Suzi

Have you finished it? Did you love it?

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## Jaquaia

I only started it late last night. Good chance I'll have it finished tonight though.

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## Paula

Amazing book!

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## Jaquaia

Just had another large bill come through the door. Just when I think I'm getting on top of things, something else comes along  :(:

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## Paula

Did you have any idea it was coming?

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## Jaquaia

None at all. I never had a letter about it, turns out it was sent 4 months after I moved from the first house with dickhead. Yet again, him refusing to let me pay my outstanding debts as him gambling was more important.

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## Paula

Is it a bill youre liable for or should he be paying it?

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## Jaquaia

It's a credit card bill. I was naive and lent my parents £400 off it towards the mortgage as my mum was on sick and they were struggling to pay it. It got spent on Christmas instead and I can't remember really getting the money back. Then I had to replace £200 of my uni accommodation rent as my cousin had borrowed it (she wrote the cheques as I didn't have a chequebook) and she didn't have chance to put it back. Never got that back either. I was only able to make minimum payments so it wasn't coming down much, then dickhead wouldn't let me keep up payments. J has suggested me seeing his solicitor and chasing dickhead for money but it's my debt and my word against his about him not letting me pay.

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## Paula

Sweetheart, please go to Citizens Advice. Im sure they can help you manage/write off the debt in your circumstances

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## Jaquaia

I'm managing to pay off a lot, it just wasn't expected. I've paid off well over a grand in the last year so it's all coming down and is manageable, especially since I've dropped my payments. I'll work out what I can manage and get in touch and make an offer and make sure they're aware of my mental health issues too.

Doesn't help that J has let me know that his parents have paid for him to take the children to Cumbria for 4 days and he doesn't even know if he'll be able to ring me. I just sometimes feel like things will always be like this and I will always spend a large part of my time feeling lonely...

Me thinks my mood is low today...

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## Mira

:Panda:

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## Suzi

Oh sweetheart  :Panda:  :Panda:  Why wouldn't he be able to call?

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## Jaquaia

He doesn't know what the signal is going to be like

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## magie06

Oh honey. What a lovely gift to be given but a bummer about the signal. But, again you're borrowing trouble before you know the full story. The signal might be brilliant. They may have broadband and if you have messenger, he can send messages free.

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Paula (22-07-19)

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## Jaquaia

He's said it's quite rural and signal was pretty bad when he was up there last year

Just finished "To Kill a Mockingbird"... wow! What an amazing book! And uncomfortable knowing that people still hold those views. 

J has bought me the last book in the series I've been reading so about to start that.

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## Suzi

I knew you'd love TKAMB! It's amazing. It's something that I feel everyone should read!

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## Jaquaia

It's amazing!!! Trying to get as much reading done before uni starts again as I can

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## Suzi

I love reading, I've missed it, but am doing much more recently and loving it!

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## Jaquaia

My results are in early... overall I got 78 which is a pass. Can't lie, I'm disappointed.

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## Paula

> Oh honey. What a lovely gift to be given but a bummer about the signal. But, again you're borrowing trouble before you know the full story. The signal might be brilliant. They may have broadband and if you have messenger, he can send messages free.


Magie is absolutely right. Ok, mobile signals might be bad but most places have WiFi so you can call over Skype, FaceTime, messenger or WhatsApp. I cant believe its so rural they dont have WiFi - theres so many ways to call someone, lovely

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## Suzi

You've passed! That's brilliant! Why are you disappointed?

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## Jaquaia

I don't know. Part of me just never feels like I've done enough. The grade boundaries do tend to be a lot higher with the OU than with a brick uni. 85% is a First, compared with 70% at a brick uni.

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## Suzi

Sweetheart, you do enough. You are more than enough.

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## Jaquaia

Not sure I'll ever see it. When I got my A level results, I rang my mum and told her I got A, B, C, D... "yes, and?"... even when the D got upgraded later on (I sat my A levels the year of the marking scandal) I never really got a well done. Same at school, dropped 2 marks in a geography test once and got told it wasn't good enough by my teacher. I know he was trying to be funny as I'd got full marks on the previous test but it didn't make me feel very good. 

Just read my feedback. They said my essay had a good structure and good argument but only gave me a bare pass for that aspect. I don't understand why?? Still, it doesn't count towards my final degree classification so no point arguing about it.

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## Suzi

There's ALWAYS point in questioning something if you don't understand it. If you don't then how can you improve?

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## Jaquaia

I have lots of feedback, it's one thing I like about the OU, I just don't have the energy to question it right now.

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## Suzi

Yeah you do....

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## magie06

Sure you do! Take a break, have a cuppa, and then make the call.

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## Paula

> There's ALWAYS point in questioning something if you don't understand it. If you don't then how can you improve?


Exactly, thats the point of feedback. Even if it doesnt change the grade, its worth knowing what the marker is thinking

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## Jaquaia

I'll have a think about it

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## Suzi

Go for it!  :):

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## Jaquaia

Done my good deed for the day and returned a gorgeous french bulldog puppy to her owners. For some unknown reason, they keep leaving their front door open. J returned her a week ago and I did today. Funny things was, J picked her up and handed her to me, then leaned in to give me a kiss goodbye... he ended up with a face full of dog slobber  :(rofl):

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## Suzi

Well done!  :):

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## Jaquaia

Though I seem to have lost one of my splints...

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## Suzi

Did you find it? How are you today? Anything nice planned?

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## Paula

You ok today? Honestly?

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## Jaquaia

Not found it. It came off when I handed the dog back and couldn't see it. I'm seeing the OT on Monday so I will ask for another one. 

I'm mostly ok, tired and a bit flat but ok. Intending to try and finish my book

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## Paula

Did you ask about the feedback?

----------


## Jaquaia

I haven't. Not yet

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## Suzi

Go on, send that email...  :O:

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## Paula

Why are you hesitant to ask?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know. Probably because I was given a lot of feedback, this year doesn't count, and my tutor hasn't even seen the last assignment

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## Suzi

It's still worth asking love...

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## Jaquaia

I've just finished reading Kingdom of Ash, the last book in the Throne of Glass series by Sarah J Maas... I haven't cried so much at a book since Snape died...

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## Paula

What?? Shape is dead??  :Surprised:

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):

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## Jaquaia

:(rofl):  :(rofl):

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## Suzi

How are you today lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tired, hot, and my nose is streaming...

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## Suzi

:Panda:  Can you do things to be kind to you today?

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## Jaquaia

Just got in from my driving lesson and the first thing I've done is get another drink. It's so hot I went out in shorts!

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## Paula

A drink?? Well done!  :O:

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## Jaquaia

On my second!!! In fact, nearly finished my second! The coconut milk seems to be making a difference, it's nice being able to eat cereal again. It turns out that I had a problem with cows milk when I was a toddler, my mum had to get drops from the doctor as it was making me sick but they thought I'd grown out of it. 

Driving was good. Made a few mistakes, but I'm recognising myself that I've made the mistake and I'm learning from it. I can see a huge improvement from when I started.

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## Suzi

You're amazing. 
Funny, my mum suddenly remembered I couldn't tolerate cows milk either when I was little - this after I told her I was completely cutting out all dairy and going vegan! Best thing I did!

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## Jaquaia

I wouldn't go that far but I am drinking. On my 5th drink today and still got told off by J as I'm hardly weeing... (tmi I know!)

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## Suzi

5th drink? That's brilliant!

----------


## Jaquaia

Mark it down for prosterity as it may never happen again!!!  :(giggle):  Even going to go and get a refill shortly.

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## Suzi

Woohoo!!!

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## magie06

That is awesome. I can't believe you've had so much to drink. The weeing will start shortly and you won't be able able to stop!

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## Jaquaia

I've not had a full bladder once today yet. J has bollocked me for letting myself get so dehydrated in the first place...

Caught my mum out lying too. She's supposed to be cutting down of caffeine as she drinks a LOT of tea, so my dad bought her a box of caffeine free teabags 2 weeks ago. The box looked rather full so I asked her if she's been using them... "yes". How many a day? "Two cups a day"...

So I counted them. 

Out of a box of 70, she has 67 left...

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## Paula

Hows the bladder?

----------


## Jaquaia

Should probably need to go more than I have today...

----------


## Suzi

How's the drinking going?  Would it help if we posted what we had to drink each day? I have started to log mine on my fitness pal. It's really helpful for me.

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## Jaquaia

I ended up dozing off so the drinking has slowed down. On my 7th though and getting a refill very soon

----------


## Suzi

7?? Isn't that some kind of record?  :(rofl):

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## Jaquaia

9 or 10 now. Lost count... and have frozen my water bottle insert so I can have cold water for bed...

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Paula (25-07-19)

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## Suzi

I'm so proud!

----------


## Jaquaia

Cold shower and I almost feel human!!!

----------


## Suzi

Morning love, what's on your agenda for today?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not sure yet. Probably reading again. Have to sit downstairs for a bit as the council are here to check the electrics, though he is very nice to look at  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Oh mine are coming to do mine next week....  :=(:  Did you have to move everything away from every plug socket too?

----------


## Jaquaia

Yes. Though there's a wardrobe in the way in the front bedroom that my dad can't move on his own... and a fish tank in front of the living room sockets....

----------


## Suzi

Lol, did they tell you it's a 3 hour appointment?

----------


## Jaquaia

Yep but he's just left. Been here about an hour!

----------


## Suzi

Lucky you! A Friend in Portsmouth he was there for over 5 hours and ripped tiles off the wall to fix an issue in her kitchen!

----------


## Jaquaia

He has to come back to sort a few things out and we only have 1 smoke alarm...

Grabbed a second drink already and sat with a bottle of water between my knees as it's been in the fridge a week and feels soooooooo nice!!!!! I think I've lost a few layers of skin off the back of my legs!!! Hate leather sofas...

----------


## Suzi

Second already? I'm proud!

----------


## Jaquaia

4th now! 

Apart from the really early start, I'm really looking forward to next Friday. J has finally booked the track day I bought him for his birthday, then he's on about taking me to see Twelth Night!!! I can't wait!!!

http://www.shakespearesrosetheatre.com/

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OldMike (26-07-19)

----------


## Suzi

Oh wow! That sounds lovely!

----------


## Jaquaia

I've never seen a proper production before and I love the Shakespeare I've read. He just needs to check if his parents would be ok having both children all day.

----------


## OldMike

> Not sure yet. Probably reading again. Have to sit downstairs for a bit as the council are here to check the electrics, though he is very nice to look at


There's something special about workmen and their tools poking around with their voltmeter and insulation resistance checker  :O:   :(giggle):

----------


## Paula

We used to go to Stratford a lot - its something special seeing Shakespeare performed properly  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

The theatre they use looks amazing, tickets are only £15 for standing, though I think J may be worried about me standing that long...

----------


## Suzi

Yeah I would be too....

----------


## Jaquaia

I did ok at the Bluetones. The only way I will really find out will be if we go and try it.

----------


## Suzi

Then go and have a damn fine time!  :):   :):

----------


## Jaquaia

If we're lucky, the in laws will have the children all day!

----------


## magie06

> If we're lucky, the in laws will have the children all day!


This made me smile - the fact that you are referring them as the in-laws!  :O:

----------

Suzi (26-07-19)

----------


## Angie

> This made me smile - the fact that you are referring them as the in-laws!


^^This

----------


## Jaquaia

:(blush):  he's told me quite a few times that he's going to marry me  :(inlove): 

His dad asked him in the pub last week if he planned to make an honest woman out of me...

"I'm not a miracle worker"  :Surprised:  :(giggle):

----------


## Angie

:(rofl):

----------


## magie06

:(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl): 

My goodness Jaq, this thread is longer than 100 pages! Time for a new chapter?

----------


## Jaquaia

I shall start thinking of a new title!!!

----------


## magie06

How's your drinking going?

----------


## Jaquaia

Actually pretty well! Have probably drank around 2 litres.

Will start a new thread tomorrow

----------


## Suzi

2 litres? Jaq that's huge for you! Well done!

----------


## Jaquaia

Still not weeing loads so I know I need to keep this up now

----------


## Suzi

Hooray! You are learning!  :):  

So, how are you today? How's the new thread title going?

----------

