# Help and Advice > Coping with Depression >  Sunshine after the rain

## Strugglingmum

I've been meaning to start a new thread for a few weeks as my other is just so long but one of the things stopping me was that I couldn't think of a title for my thread but this song has been in my head all day. I thought, "That's it!! I do want to see the sunshine after the rain so, perfect title". 
(sorry if you are all now singing it too). It feels like I've been under the dark rain clouds for a long time but the sun is coming out again and I'm learning to lift my face to the sun and smile again. 

Really enjoyed my second post-lockdown swim today but oh my goodness, my muscles ache!! Life is getting a bit busier again and I'm finding that I'm having to take a lot of deep breaths throughout the day to reset my brain and slow down a bit to let me think. As things open up again I'm needing to keep reminding myself, "leave room to breathe. Leave time to heal. Have permission to just be".  

My habit was always to take on too much, be busy and distract, distract, distract. One thing lockdown has taught me is.... I need time and space for me to be able to think properly.

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## Paula

Thats a pretty great lesson to learn - though not the ideal way to learn it......   :Surprised:

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## OldMike

The thread title reminds me of the Dire Straits song Why Worry.

Let's all sing along.

_Why worry, there should be laughter after pain
There should be sunshine after rain
These things have always been the same
So why worry now?
Why worry now?_

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Strugglingmum (12-08-20)

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## Strugglingmum

Don't know that one Mike.
I was thinking more of the Elkie Brooks classic or the Berri 90s clubland remix. Could you just imagine me raving!! :(rofl):

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## Paula

> The thread title reminds me of the Dire Straits song Why Worry.
> 
> Let's all sing along.
> 
> _Why worry, there should be laughter after pain
> There should be sunshine after rain
> These things have always been the same
> So why worry now?
> Why worry now?_


I grew up with Dire Straits - I love this one

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## Suzi

I love your new thread title! I'm so proud of you knowing that it's important to "just be"  :O:

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Strugglingmum (13-08-20)

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## magie06

Happy New thread. I hope today treats you kindly.

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Strugglingmum (13-08-20)

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## Strugglingmum

What a palaver of a  day!!!!
My daughter is heading out with her friends tonight post A level celebration.  She has known this for weeks but this morning decided she had nothing to wear, we raided my wardrobe and found a couple of standby things but nothing she was 100% happy with especially as she has put on 1 stone over lockdown with not being on the building site. Had to go to the couple of towns near us to try find something. We eventually came home with 2 choices for her to try on. She likes both... thank goodness. We now have to be out in less than an hour to get her up to Belfast to meet her friends. Shower, hair, makeup.. I may not survive!! However I'm delighted she is socialising and is out of her safety blanket of Jeans/sweats and hoodie. She is in a dress!! :Surprised:

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## Paula

Awww I miss that with Katie - Jess will never do that, shes glued to her hoodie!

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## Stella180

A dress? More chance of me going out naked that wearing a dress lol

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## Suzi

How did she do in her A Levels?
Hope she has an amazing night!

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## Strugglingmum

> Awww I miss that with Katie - Jess will never do that, shes glued to her hoodie!


Normally I is as well and was going to tonight but I asked her she would be comfortable if all her friends were dolled up and she realised...no . Hence the shopping. Its walking a fine line of trying to encourage but not be critical of her choices. She looks fab, and she realises it too. 



> A dress? More chance of me going out naked that wearing a dress lol


Now that could be worth the flight :(rofl): 



> How did she do in her A Levels?
> Hope she has an amazing night!


She left after AS last year to do joinery but she is still in touch with her schoolmates and wanted to celebrate with them. May be the last chance for them all to be together as they are going off to different Unis. They prepaid £15 for tapas and a cocktail, dear knows what will happen after that. It's at a beer garden type place but that doesn't mean they will stay there

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## Suzi

That sounds lovely! She seems to be happy with the joinery which is awesome.

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## Strugglingmum

I am shattered today. Didn't waken till 9:45am.
Late night out picking up my daughter after her night out.
She had a great time with her friends and they all got what they needed for uni, although a couple were disappointed with their grades. 
Hoping to take it easy today, just some housework and want to do a facemask and hair mask. 
Heading out tonight for dinner with a couple of friends. Steak night at the golf club. Should be nice.

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## Suzi

Glad I had a good night out with her friends and they were mostly pleased with what they got.

Tonight sounds fun!

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## Paula

Mmmm steak  :O: 
Have a lovely evening

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## Strugglingmum

Ended up another busy day but out to meet friends for dinner so hopefully relax time...... and breathe.

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## Suzi

Hope it was a good busy....

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Strugglingmum (14-08-20)

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## Strugglingmum

Lovely meal and catch up with friends. Nice steak and a sneaky wee pink gin.
 Looking forward to hopefully a more relaxing weekend with time to breath and space to think. This week seems to have sped by.

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Paula (14-08-20)

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## Suzi

I'm so glad you had a good time! 
What things have you got on this week?

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## Flo

> Lovely meal and catch up with friends. Nice steak and a sneaky wee pink gin.
>  Looking forward to hopefully a more relaxing weekend with time to breath and space to think. This week seems to have sped by.


Nothing wrong with a pink gin! Glad you had a good time out...it's necessary. Yes, where do the weeks go? It's frightening!

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## Suzi

How's your day been lovely?

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## Strugglingmum

I am beyond exhausted today. 
Woke up and took my son to work. Came home and cleaned and gutted all morning. 
We have worked in the garden all afternoon. We are building natural stone walls and I have been lifting and moving rocks for A to build. Have just come in for some dinner. Think it will be feet up this evening although still have to tidy up outside a bit. 
Will catch up with you all once I get some food into me and fire the laptop up.... so I can see better :(rofl):

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## Suzi

Maybe you've been overdoing it today??? Pacing tomorrow?

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## Paula

Good grief! Definitely pace!

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## Strugglingmum

All I've planned for tomorrow is a walk on the beach with the dog!!
I'm feeling too old for heavy work tonight. Rest day tomorrow, and I'm way behind on my crochet.

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Paula (15-08-20)

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## Suzi

That sounds like fun! What are you making?

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## Strugglingmum

> That sounds like fun! What are you making?


too many projects :(rofl): 
I'm testing a pattern for a designer and I have a couple of christmas pressies started. Also want to put a couple of new items on my page so need to make them first. I just need to prioritise a bit of crochet time. I think next week has less on. It's all good.

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## Flo

You're such a busy bee!...you put me to shame!! Feet up today Misses!

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## Strugglingmum

Rain, glorious rain here today!!!
You know what that means??? The cement mixer stays in the garage and I'm off duty from hodding lumps of rock around :(rofl): 
It also means I may need prodding out the door to take the dog to the beach. I sense a movie and crochet day

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## Suzi

Your crochet sounds exciting! 

Yay for a movie and crochet day!  :):

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## Strugglingmum

Been a recharge day...... I refuse to say lazy day :O: 
Crochet and movie after movie. 
Murder mystery, Hairspray, Moana and a bit of nostalgia with my daughter...High School Musical 2. Would you get the idea we love musicals??  :(rofl): 
I'm impressed we have managed to steer away from Pitch Perfect. It's our usual go to movie for a girlie day. 
Just made a roast chicken dinner and ate every crumb. Doing much better with my eating recently. More or less back up to target weight. Was feeling a bit meh earlier but self care has been doing its job and feel more ready for the week ahead.

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## Suzi

Awesome playlist for movies!  :):  

Definitely a recharge not a lazy day! 
I'm so proud of you for getting your eating sorted and putting weight on!

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Strugglingmum (16-08-20)

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## Strugglingmum

.....and Mama Mia to end the day!!

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## Suzi

AWESOME!

What are you up to today?

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## Strugglingmum

Wet wet wet here! 
Left my son to work, went to knit and natter group then for a swim. Came home and my hubby and daughter had made dinner. It was lovely.....and I didn't have to make it so doubly nice. Washing sorted so crochet hook the rest of the night.  :):

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## Flo

Sounds like the perfect end to a good day!...it's raining cats and dogs here!

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Strugglingmum (17-08-20)

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## Suzi

Sounds like a good day - full of self care with the knit and natter and the swim. How awesome that they had cooked dinner!

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Strugglingmum (17-08-20)

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## Strugglingmum

When I came home I got a lot of questions.
How are you feeling?
How was your swim, did you enjoy it? 
How's the form now, do you feel better?

I can surmise I was a little grumpy this morning per chance  :(blush): 

Mind you.... I got dinner cooked for me so maybe I need to be a bit grumpy more often :(giggle):

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## Suzi

Wish that worked for me lol

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## Strugglingmum

> Wish that worked for me lol


I've a feeling it was a one-off :(rofl):

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## Suzi

:(rofl):  Keep up the grumpy in the morning and report back  :O:

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## Flo

Hmmm..might give grumpy a go myself, but knowing my luck I'll just get a smack! :(rofl):

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## Suzi

Morning gorgeous, how are you today?

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## Strugglingmum

Busy morning.  Up and away to do the food shop, then appointment with my CPN,  quick wool shop and home to put it all away. Waiting on lunch cooking.

I'm feeling anxious now. My CPN started the 'when we discharge you' conversation and it has set off a whole stream of emotions and thoughts.
I know I'm doing so much better and dont need their support as much so I have no idea why its inducing so much anxiety in me. I actually just feel like crying yet I know its illogical to feel that way. I have the tools in place to cope and I know I cant stay with them forever so why am I so fearful?
Of course, being me, I put up a huge front that I was fine, even though she was saying, this is in the future, not now, not even in the next couple of months. 
I'm going to be fine, I'm going to be fine. I can do this.  I'm so much better than I was. Change is ok.

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Flo (18-08-20)

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## Stella180

I hear you. When I was in counselling 12 sessions turned into 50 and they had to let me go, with the option to sign up again after 6 months, but it felt kinda weird cos that Thursday morning session each week was a part of my life and for it to be gone was terrifying. It’s a bit like driving alone for the first time after you pass your driving test, you don’t know how you can get by without someone offering instruction.

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Flo (18-08-20)

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## Suzi

I can sympathise too. Sweetheart it's OK to be concerned about it - maybe you could change things from 1ce a week to 1ce every 2 weeks and then 1ce a month to try to do it gently so it's not a sudden shock?

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Flo (18-08-20),Strugglingmum (18-08-20)

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## Strugglingmum

I only see her every 4 weeks. I guess its knowing there is someone at the end of the phone. I think its also a fear of the future and what happens next. Anyway it's not happening right now so I  need to let it settle a bit. Feeling emotional. Sparks are flying from the crochet hook tonight.

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## Suzi

You've got this you know... Should you ever need them again you'll be able to get in contact with them. But you've got so many tools!

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## Flo

Morning sweetie.....how are you feeling today? Been reading your thread and pondering on your fears about your CPN discharging you in the future. I had those fears a few years ago. This is my take on it so I'll share my thoughts with you and you see if any of it makes sense. I had two appointments to go and was scared of what would happen when I was 'let go' so to speak. After a discussion with someone very clever but not connected at all with the medical profession the following was pointed out to me and I've held on to this ever since.

I was cocooned in a warm blanket of safety knowing that every 3 weeks or so I would see my counsellor who would sit there pen and file to hand and tell her/him what had happened since the last appointment. The suggestions and pointers  made by the C put to good use. We'd chat and towards the end of the session I was given some more pointers and suggestions, and it was suggested that I use the new tools and put them into action and we'd talk about how I got on at the next session. The day came when after months of these sessions I was now more confident, unafraid, my self worth and self esteem rose considerably and I was able to function like a half decent human being/woman. I had been given the tools to take control of my life. I was in control of my life..life wasn't in control of me!

As soon as it was decided that maybe I could go forward without sessions, that I had done really well and that she was really pleased with me, I went home and the panic set in. I'll just say here that she stressed that she would always be at the end of the phone if she was needed.

The stabilisers had been taken off my bike and I was to cycle alone. How was I going to cope? what if this happened? what if that happened? I had it fixed in my mind that I was going to fall into the abyss and there was no one to save me. The world was going to end and me with it.

Back to the clever friend.....it was pointed out that it was ME that got to where I wanted to be..it was ME that had regained my self worth and self esteem....it was ME that gave me my confidence to go forward..and it was ME who finally had control of me and my life!
AA has taught me that "There is nothing to fear except fear itself". The counsellor/CPN has been trained to help us accept the past and to move on....we empty our guts to them and over a period of time their expertise, pointers and suggestions help us to rebuild our lives 
but it is US that rebuilds it! It's YOU SM that has made all of the changes, it is YOU that has turned your life around and it is YOU that has the confidence to take control of life. Personally...I can only speak for myself here...I think that I was and sometimes still am so used to having crap in my life that when good things happen and I'm on a roll I get suspicious and I'm convinced that crap is around the corner to ruin everything, because that is/was what I'm used to. And the old Flo creeps in uninvited!

Don't be afraid to wake up every day with optimism. You've worked hard to get where you are today. Like nearly all of us with the illness of anxiety and depression we are strong people, we are survivors whether we realise it or not. Nothing bad is going to happen... and if we do have the odd blip we'll instinctively know how to deal with it. You are a lovely person, mum and wife. I often wonder how it is that we can sort other people's lives but we find it hard to sort our own...odd isn't it?...Anyway....have a lovely day. Live in the day with your kids, dog and hubby. Try and do nice things. Remember that you are a strong woman and you've made yourself that way. I shall waffle on no more and make a coffee and have a fag! Hubby is looking over my shoulder and probably thinks I'm having an affair! Luvya lots!
Oh! and one more thing....you aren't a 'Struggling mum' because our higher power won't let us struggle. :Panda:

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Jaquaia (19-08-20),Paula (19-08-20),Stella180 (19-08-20),Strugglingmum (19-08-20),Suzi (19-08-20)

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## Suzi

That's a f****ing brilliant post Flo!

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## Strugglingmum

Wow, thank you Flo. Yes I need to remember this..... I may frame it!! Thank you wise person.

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## Flo

You're welcome! It did me good to write what I did because I need to remind myself too at times that I have a choice. When I face a new day I can choose whether I make the day miserable or happy. It's hard at times though isn't it? I must practice what I preach. So Just for today I shall be as optimistic and happy as I can. My chooks are soaked to the skin taking shelter and eating porridge instead of grain haha! They're looking a bit pathetic! I think the weather is supposed to get a bit better later. Can't complain though, it'll save me having to water the garden later. Have a good one SM. Thanks for helping me too!

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Strugglingmum (19-08-20),Suzi (19-08-20)

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## Paula

Flo, that brought tears to my eyes! You really are wise  :):

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Flo (19-08-20),Suzi (19-08-20)

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## Flo

Don't know about wise Paula, but the person that pointed it all out to me was right..so I'm happy to pass it on. People like us don't give ourselves enough credit at times do we?

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Suzi (19-08-20)

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## Strugglingmum

Covid restrictions in NI are being tightened again. As usual I have no idea what it really means. My anxieties just dont seem to cope with the changes and what that means for daily life

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## Stella180

I did see NI we’re heading back towards lockdown. It’s all very confusing.

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## Paula

Oh no  :(:

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## Suzi

Oh no!

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## Strugglingmum

This morning I asked the dog if she wanted coffee. Could be a long day if my head remains in such a mush! :(:

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## Paula

More to the point, what did she say?  :O:

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## OldMike

No worries SMum I talk to my kettle if it boils quicker than expected I say "Hang on darling I'll be with you in a second" yep I really do say that, must be living alone which imbues inanimate objects with personalities or am I just crazy  :(giggle):

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## Suzi

Erm, most mechanical objects in my home have names... George Foreman Grill - George, Kenwood mixer - Ken etc we also once had a computer called Shirley....

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## magie06

My car is called Betsie. These things live with us, so of course they must have names.

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## Flo

> This morning I asked the dog if she wanted coffee. Could be a long day if my head remains in such a mush!


You're on Tramadol too are you?? :(rofl):  :(rofl):  What would you have done if she'd replied? Yes all this lockdown stuff is very confusing. Stay put in the house for a bit and pretend everything is normal...No?...oh alright then! :(nod):

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## Strugglingmum

:(giggle): 
I dont think I've ever done normal, Flo

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## Stella180

Normal is sooooooo over rated

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## Paula

You dont get to be on the team if youre normal - we all prefer interesting  :(giggle):

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## Flo

> I dont think I've ever done normal, Flo


Me neither! being different is good!! x

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## Suzi

Definitely no normal in the mod and admin team definitely!  :):

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## Strugglingmum

Been a busy day. Been cleaning and cooking dinner for everyone plus partners. It was lovely to be together as tomorrow our restrictions tighten again. Will only be able to have 1 partner over at a time. I am tired but dinner was lovely and everyone helped clean. Hope you all are having a lovely Sunday. X

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## Suzi

Glad everyone's helped out - makes it so much easier doesn't it? 
Hope you're pacing for the rest of today?

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## Suzi

I noticed on another thread that you weren't sleeping well last night... Are you OK?

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## Strugglingmum

Awake till 4:30. 
It's only 1 night but I'll keep an eye on it. I'm not long up so I got 5hrs, just not a good routine but I'll keep busy today and try and do some yoga later. Heading out food shopping now. X

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## Stella180

I must have dropped off about the same time as you. Unfortunately I was up at 8  :(:  Got a bit of a headache coming on now

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## Flo

There must be something in the air!!! I had a weird night too.

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## Suzi

And me...

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## Strugglingmum

Hope we all do better tonight

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Suzi (25-08-20)

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## Paula

Hugs all  :Panda:

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Suzi (25-08-20)

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## Strugglingmum

You know when you sleep better but nearly feel worse for it??!!
Urggh. Feel knackered. 2 cups of coffee down and it ain't doing much. Laundry is calling. Glad I've got a swim booked for later.

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## Suzi

Be kind to you love!

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## Strugglingmum

Swim definitely improved the mood today. 
Nipped into Tesco to get some dog food on the way home and Christmas sweet tubs are £4. Bought what I needed for my nieces and nephews. I'm determined to be sorted early in case A gets made redundant. 
I have crocheted gifts for my sister and best friend. I'm finishing the mil a shawl. I have done cowls for A's aunties. 
I have got gin making kits for my brothers and their wives. By December I would like to only have our own kids to get.
I adore Christmas but since I took ill I find it very stressful, never knowing what to buy people and the crowds etc.

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## Paula

2 years ago I decided to do all mine online. Best thing I did - no stress, no crowds, just lists, emails, folders and organisation *happysigh*

Im glad the swim helped, lovely

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## Flo

I get stressed over Christmas too, so like Paula I do my shopping online!....BTW..are you saying that Tesco are already flogging christmas stuff??!! No wonder people freak out. With me it's money sent to the grandkids and my kids and a few simple prezzies that travel well just to open for fun..haha! Glad you had a good swim love.

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## Strugglingmum

I only saw the sweet tubs to be fair.... after all we have Halloween first.... maybe the tubs are for Halloween but the dates are good so Christmas it is. 
I normally give my nephews money but i like to have sweets to wrap up for them too for under the tree. 
Yip they are 19, 21 and 23.... I need to wise up. 
Likewise my nieces are/will be married so its sweets and a voucher for a meal out somewhere.

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## Jaquaia

I have a box full under the bed for the kids already! I'm excited to be able to buy for them as if they're my own but J is utterly bemused as he normally leaves it til the last minute!

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## Suzi

Jaq that's awesome! 

SM you're so organised!

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## Stella180

I’ve normally started by now cos I like to spread the cost to make it easier but this year I haven’t got a clue where to start.

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## Paula

I actually have a policy not to do any present buying till after Sis birthday (7 November)

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## Jaquaia

Present buying is fine, but refuse to contemplate putting decorations up until after my birthday (21st Nov)

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## Strugglingmum

> I actually have a policy not to do any present buying till after Si’s birthday (7 November)


I'm normally later starting but A might not have a job by then and I'm feeling stressed enough about that never mind then having to try afford Christmas

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## Suzi

Is there any news on his job?

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## Flo

> I only saw the sweet tubs to be fair.... after all we have Halloween first.... maybe the tubs are for Halloween but the dates are good so Christmas it is. 
> I normally give my nephews money but i like to have sweets to wrap up for them too for under the tree. 
> Yip they are 19, 21 and 23.... I need to wise up. 
> Likewise my nieces are/will be married so its sweets and a voucher for a meal out somewhere.


You're SO organised!




> I have a box full under the bed for the kids already! I'm excited to be able to buy for them as if they're my own but J is utterly bemused as he normally leaves it til the last minute!


Will the kids be with you on C day? And what is it with some men to leave present buying an hour before closing on Christmas Eve? Ian does it!




> I’ve normally started by now cos I like to spread the cost to make it easier but this year I haven’t got a clue where to start.


Me neither Stella...TBH everyone seems to have everything! Maybe M&S tokens and Next tokens...I know that's a cop out but it's safe!




> I actually have a policy not to do any present buying till after Si’s birthday (7 November)


 Same birthday as my Zoe!




> Present buying is fine, but refuse to contemplate putting decorations up until after my birthday (21st Nov)


 I always wait until I see a few in the village.....

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Strugglingmum (28-08-20)

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## Strugglingmum

> Is there any news on his job?


He survived the first round of redundancies but the company has very few orders so the plant is at threat of closure. Both my hubby and son work for the same firm so......

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## Suzi

:(bear):   :(bear):   :(bear):  You must be so worried. What are you putting in place to take extra time for your own self care right now?

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## Paula

:Panda:

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## Strugglingmum

Plenty of swimming,  crochet and deep breathing!!

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## Strugglingmum

Time to go swimming....and I have dinner in the slow cooker so no stress later. 
This evening I hope to tidy my bedroom and prepare for work starting in the shower room soon. We'll see how I feel after my swim and dinner.

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Flo (29-08-20)

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## Suzi

Hope you enjoyed your swim lovely!

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## EJ

That sounds a lot SM. I am going to take a leaf out of your book and get started on Christmas pressies.

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## Flo

Well I think you're quite amazing! you're so positive and disciplined....and making the effort to go swimming everyday. Hats off to you SM.

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## Suzi

How are you today love?

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## Paula

Morning hunni!

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## Strugglingmum

Morning all. Just some cleaning, tidying sorting here today. Feeling a bit meh but once I get started it will be ok.

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## Suzi

How are you doing love?

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## Strugglingmum

Been elbow deep in decluttering, tidying, sorting etc.
We need to redo our ensuite as the shower is broken and the toilet cistern leaks, no matter what we or plumbers do to fix it. We have been living with a bucket under it for 1year. Its awkward to empty because of the small space and if A forgets, it overflows and has caused numerous leaks to the bathroom below.... we now have a small hole in the ceiling of the downstairs bathroom because of it.

So we are starting from scratch but have a tight budget. We have been round a few showrooms and wholesalers and have sourced all we need. Going out on Tuesday to buy it all. 
We were out on Thursday and the nice salesman where we were choosing our shower panelling told us to wait till Tuesday as they would all be 50% off.  

Anyway, that means my bedroom needed sorted with stuff packed away as there is already a layer of dust from ripping off the tiles. I needed somewhere to put the stuff.... so that meant the cupboards needed sorting etc etc.... it snowballed and yes I have regretted starting many times today but I'm starting to see daylight. I've sat down now to crochet as I got a couple of orders in today so wanted to get a start on them. 
Moods still a bit meh but at least I've achieved something

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## Jaquaia

Sounds like you achieved a lot!

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Strugglingmum (29-08-20)

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## Paula

That salesman was a hero! Are you going to take some time for you tomorrow - have a swim maybe?

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Strugglingmum (29-08-20)

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## Strugglingmum

I could do with a swim. I'm not sure if the centre is open on a Sunday... I must check cause I know they are closed BH Monday so I wont get to swim then. 
Thanks for the prompt.

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Paula (30-08-20)

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## Suzi

Sounds like you've done huge amounts yesterday. Did you find out if the pool was open today? If you can't get a swim, maybe a walk or something?

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## Strugglingmum

Swim booked :(nod): 
Heading up after lunch. X

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## Paula

Good  :):

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## Suzi

Well done lovely, hope you enjoyed it!

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## Strugglingmum

Really enjoyed my swim but pulled a muscle in my shoulder. I cut my swim a bit short. Its eased now. 
I've been doing more gutting out and tidying. I helped me sort out bags for charity shop etc. She has gone out now so I'm relaxing with my my hook.

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## Suzi

Sounds like another busy day! Are yo resting/pacing a bit tomorrow?

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## Flo

How are you doing love?

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## Paula

Hows your shoulder?

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## Strugglingmum

> How are you doing love?


I'm ok thanks Flo. Keeping busy around the house. I'm a bit hard to settle to something and start but once I manage that I'm normally ok. 
Currently perched on my bed with a hair mask and a facemask on. Even the dog took one look at me and went back downstairs!! 




> Hows your shoulder?


Its easier today thanks Paula. I'll not be swimming until Wednesday so plenty of time to rest it.

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## Suzi

Glad it's easier.. You got anything planned for this week?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Just some stuff around the house  hopefully swim a couple of times. Probably some crochet. Not really sure. We'll see how the week goes .

----------


## Paula

Sounds good to me  :):

----------


## Flo

That's great...what on earth is a hair mask? :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Morning love, meant to say yesterday about well done for the self care - but I have to agree with Flo - what's a hair mask?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Because I swim alot my hair gets really dry (also because it was bleached last time I got my hair done). A hair mask is a deep intensive moisturising treatment that i leave in for about 15-20 mins to try and treat the dryness. I do it once a week or fortnight usually.

----------


## Suzi

Ahhhhhhhhhh Thank you!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Absolutely bucketing down here..... I may not need to travel to the pool for my swim.... I could just float up the road!!

----------


## EJ

I hope you are able to swim today SM x

----------


## Suzi

Hope the rain doesn't do any damage! Did you get to swim?

----------


## Flo

> Absolutely bucketing down here..... I may not need to travel to the pool for my swim.... I could just float up the road!!


 :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## Strugglingmum

Lovely energetic swim (in the pool!)
Had to wait for C to finish work so crocheted the baby booties from one of my orders while waiting....multitasking!! 


You know when you look at something on a menu and you really like the sound of it and you think to yourself I'm going to treat myself to that someday?
Well today was that day and I'm sorry to say I was underwhelmed!! 
I've been eyeing up the Millionaire doughnut on McDs drivethrough menu every time I go thru for a tea or a coffee and have always thought....some day, as a treat. 
I came out from my swim today, knew I had a wait and would be going for a cuppa so thought.... today I'm going to do it! Doughnut here I come.  It was ok but not as great as I'd built it up in my head. 
Lesson learnt..... just eat the doughnut the first time :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------

shine (11-09-20)

----------


## Stella180

I hate that. Strangely I decided today to try out a McD’s double quarterpounder with cheese. It sounded like my kinda heaven but it just didn’t work. The extra patty threw the flavour outta balance so I was really disappointed.

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):   :(rofl):   :(rofl):

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):  yep, delayed gratification is overrated !

----------


## Suzi

Morning lovely, how are you today?

----------


## OldMike

I'm the same look forward to something and find it doesn't live up to the dream.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Ironing done, laundry done. 
Heading up for a swim later. At least its stopped raining...for now.

----------

Flo (03-09-20),Paula (03-09-20)

----------


## Stella180

You’ve been busy. I got out of bed. Lol

----------


## Strugglingmum

> You’ve been busy. I got out of bed. Lol


Yip but I got my PIP forms too and I'm ignoring them so you're definitely ahead!!

----------


## Suzi

Well done for ironing and laundry. Really proud of you for swimming self care!

----------


## Paula

Im now expecting my pip forms in the post .....

----------


## Stella180

Out of interest, how long were your previous PiP awards given ladies?

----------


## Suzi

Mine? With degenerative conditions - 3 years.........

----------


## Strugglingmum

I think 3years but not 100% sure

----------


## Stella180

> Mine? With degenerative conditions - 3 years.........


You are kidding me? That’s ridiculous. Are they hoping during the next 3 years you’ll meet Jesus in the street and he’ll cure you? That is a joke.

----------


## Suzi

I had an ongoing DLA award but when I got switched to PIP it's been every 3 years. My blue badge is tied to the end dates too...

----------


## Paula

It must be 4 years cos Ive had my second motability car for a year

----------


## Strugglingmum

Another busy day. 
Had to deliver 2 orders this morning plus plumber arrived to take out old bathroom suite. Made a banoffee for later. 
Getting my hair done now and friends coming for dinner.
Need to run into Tesco on my way home to grab food and cook. 
Feeling a bit stressed but at least A is going to hoover when he gets home from golf.
I know it will all be fine. Just breathe!!

----------


## Suzi

I don't know how you get it all done! 
Mmmm banoffee.....

----------


## EJ

Swimming SM ?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Swimming SM ?


Not today. Wont swim until Monday. 

Had a lovely evening with friends. Good food (I cooked but it was nice), fab company and lots of laughs. 
Was totally worth the stress of today.

----------


## Suzi

I bet your cooking is delicious! Well done for having a lovely time even though it's been a stressful day X

----------


## Flo

You're quite amazing! Hope you had a great time with your friends.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Today is our Wedding anniversary.  We have been legal for 24yrs. 
This morning hubby woke me up, told me to get up and get dressed. He cooked me breakfast and sat me in the car and I have been out ever since on his magical mystery tour. We have visited lots of our favourite places, where we had our first date and of course my favourite beach for me to relax and recharge. A meal out in one of our favourite restaurants in the area. We are now parked up in the car at a beautiful viewpoint...watching the Atlantic crash in. 
He was so thoughtful today and has given me a fabulous day. I am truly blessed.
Why am I sharing this??? 
Well definitely not to pretend my life is Insta perfect but
I have had a really tough week with really dark thoughts at times. I have had to fight really hard at times to push those thoughts down, to distract and to just plain survive.
These moments remind me why I need to keep fighting.... because when I'm in the depths I cant remember these good moments,  my brain tells me there aren't any. 
BUT there are better times out there and it's important we remember that. Nice things do happen and a little thing does make us smile or feel a bit more like ourselves. It's worth staying around for those moments. This week when my head starts to tell me lies I will remember to say.... I smiled on Sunday, I laughed, I enjoyed just being. Sunday I was glad to be alive..... there will be more days like that, just hang on.

----------

Flo (07-09-20),Jaquaia (06-09-20),Paula (14-09-20),Stella180 (06-09-20),Suzi (06-09-20)

----------


## Stella180

Happy anniversary

----------


## Suzi

That post is epic! He's done a great thing today! How romantic!! 
Print that post out love and look at it every single morning. Let it be the reason you smile as you get up... 

Well played A, well played!

----------


## Jaquaia

Happy anniversary!

----------


## Flo

Belated Happy Anniversary. You are so right in everything you said. Fantastic post.XX

----------


## EJ

Happy Anniversary xx

----------


## Suzi

Hey gorgeous, how are you today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Hey gorgeous, how are you today?


Rereading yesterday's post!! ..... I need to.
A bit tired, but heading out soon to swim and go to knit and natter group. Bit of laundry done and lists of things swarming round my head but learning to breathe!!

----------


## Suzi

Want to talk about what's going on in your head?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Want to talk about what's going on in your head?


Thanks it's just much the same as I wrote on my other thread last week. 
Anyway, nice though shorter swim today. Order to make for someone and lots to do around the house. At times, for me, it's just better to be busy. X

----------


## Flo

Sorry that you're feeling under the weather love....I'm sure it will pass soon. You deal with it the same as me, I'm better being busy! I'd love to see some of the things you make for people. Any chance of a few pics? You're a clever girl.xx

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you're talking about it and acknowledging it... You're amazing.

----------


## Strugglingmum

We really know how to party in my house!!
After dinner,
my daughter: mum do you fancy a drink tonight?
Me: why not it's been ages,  stick the Sprite in the fridge and we'll have a pink gin later.
8pm me: so do you want a drink?
Daughter: yeah, I'm just trying to decide if I want a gin or a cup of tea. 
.... we're enjoying a pot of tea :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):   :(rofl):   :(rofl):   :(bear):  That's the same as it is for me.... Been saying all day I wanted to have a gin, but now I'm happy with a lemonade and an apple and elderflower squash to take up to bed with me!

----------


## Strugglingmum

:(rofl):  what are we like. Party central

----------


## Suzi

I know! I'm counting down minutes before I can go to bed!

----------


## OldMike

:(giggle):  Just tea and hot choc in my house  :):

----------


## Flo

I can't keep up with you lot who live in the fast lane!!!.....I'm going to make myself an espresso!! :(yawn):

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):   :(rofl):   :(rofl):

----------


## Strugglingmum

Some days you just gotta book a swim.

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing lovely?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Nausea drove me back to bed this morning for a while. Trying to find the will to get up again. I have a swim booked for later but will see how I'm feeling. 
Will get up and see if I can manage some breakfast,  it will probably help. Today feels like it could be quite unproductive.  

Can I ask, pip review forms.... if there is no change in how you manage can you just write no change or do you have to rewrite all what you wrote on initial assessment form. 
You see in my naivety I think that no change should be a good enough answer!!

----------


## Stella180

No change has been the answer to most of mine. I have added more details due to my new autism enlightenment but it’s all pretty much the same I just have a name for it now.

----------


## Suzi

No change or just write how things really are on a bad day scenario.... 

Nausea? You OK?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I've been nauseated all day. It happens sometimes after I take my vortioxetine. The only cure is to lie down for a while till it eases. 
I did my zoom class this morning but I didn't swim. I've been taking it easy all day. Watched a movie with my daughter this afternoon. I'm going to try tackle the PIP form this evening...at least some of it.

----------


## Stella180

I get like that with my meds sometimes. It’s horrible.

----------


## Suzi

Can you eat with it to help? 
How are you doing with eating?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I've been eating bland food all day so I'm ok. Porridge,  potatoes yoghurt etc.

----------


## Flo

You're a poor little sausage! Hope you feel better this morning sweetie. Big hugsXX

----------


## Suzi

How are you feeling today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Was a bit ropey earlier after taking my tablet but coming round a bit. Just sat down this morning, didn't lie down. Anyway I've all the ironing done and its bucketing here.

We now have the new shower tray installed and A put the new floor down. The pipework has been done. The spark is here to look at installing the shower and give us a price. A can put the wall panelling up and then plumber can come back and put in the new sanitary ware.  
It's starting to come together.

Trying to push myself to book a swim but feeling a bit washed out and cant be bothered.
Not sure if its a 'cant be bothered' I need to push through or a 'I need to listen to my body can't be bothered '

----------


## Jaquaia

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo new bathroom sounds like it's taking shape! 

Maybe give yourself this week to see if the nausea is settling - if not maybe see if you can get an antiemetic to take alongside it?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I actually have some cyclizine here. Might try it in the morning. 
Good thinking batman!

----------

Suzi (11-09-20)

----------


## shine

Just catching up on this thread. I joined a Facebook group crochet UK. There are some amazing things on there people are making. I starting crochet years ago when I first joined dwd and was inspired to crochet. I've made a few things over the years and I really need to get back into it. I made baby booties once for my nephew. How long have you been doing crochet for. I love it when I can get into it. 
Swimming sounds good. Sounds like you definitely earned that doughnut. Yummy

----------


## shine

What sort of things do you crochet. I'd love to get back into it

----------


## Strugglingmum

I mostly crochet baby things for gifts but I also crochet shawls, blankets, clothes, toys....anything that catches my eye. 
There are lots of fb groups and youtube ideas out there.

----------

OldMike (12-09-20),shine (12-09-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

My gorgeous niece had to postpone her wedding from July to October.  Today we had her hen party. Due to restrictions here we had to do a 2 part party. Half of us this afternoon and then a later one for her friends but we had a great time celebrating her today and looking forward to her wedding.we had a socially distanced garden party with silly games and an afternoon tea. The countdown is on now to the wedding.

----------

Flo (13-09-20)

----------


## Suzi

That sounds like lots of fun!  :):

----------


## Strugglingmum

At the hospital with my daughter for her very long awaited surgical consult. I'm not allowed to go into the hospital with her so she is panicking a bit but I'm sure she will be fine. 
Damn Covid..... I've really had enough

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni  :(bear):  :(bear):  :(bear):  You OK?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Oh hunni  You OK?


Yea I'm ok. I just want to b with my baby. Ok she is 18, technically an adult. She wants me with her but Covid restrictions say no. Just one of those days

----------


## Suzi

Might be 18, but still your baby and you still want to be there with her.... I wish I could be sitting with you right now...

----------


## Strugglingmum

She survived! She says the surgeon was lovely. She will need surgery but only as a day procedure and no idea when.... due to Covid none being done at present but if things flare again before then to present to A&E.

----------


## Suzi

Hoorah! (Not that I know what's wrong) Glad the surgeon was lovely!

----------


## Flo

It doesn't matter how old they are SM they're still our babies....shame you couldn't go in with her..it's all getting a bit much isn't it?

----------


## Paula

How are you doing, love?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Have been out with a friend this morning.  Treated ourselves to brunch. Had a long chat and was glad to be there for her. She lost her mum at the start of Covid and has a lot going on. 
I'm booked in for a swim in an hour or so so just chilling in the car for a while. I haven't swam in a week so looking forward to it.

----------


## Stella180

Swimming is an activity I’ve never really got into. I can swim but not well cos I didn’t really enjoy it.

----------


## Strugglingmum

I never really liked swimming in the past but over the past year it has become my favourite form of exercise to burn off the crazy and drown out (literally) the constant monologue in my head. 
I started off doing a few lengths a couple of times a week and built it up over time to swimming a mile 4 times a week. I cant do the same distance each visit now because you only get a short time in the pool but I still like to go 3-4 times a week. If I get 50 lengths done I'm happy.

----------


## Paula

Ive always loved swimming - a water baby  :O:

----------


## Strugglingmum

Just walking to the postbox to post my PIP review forms. 
Now the anxiety hits overload until I hear back.

----------


## Angie

Aww hunni its not easy waiting on this I know xx

----------


## Paula

Its done, hunni, nothing you can do about it now. I know its hard but please try to put it to the back of your mind.....

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart, there's nothing you can do about it now. I know that really doesn't help though...

----------


## Stella180

> Just walking to the postbox to post my PIP review forms. 
> Now the anxiety hits overload until I hear back.


I’m still waiting on my med records to come through. Once I can confirm accurate details I can send them off.

----------


## Suzi

Morning lovely, how are you today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Been up early and things done. Going for a swim as I have to go to the town to take my son up.

----------


## Suzi

Well done for the swim! 
How are you doing with eating and stuff love?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Just home. Was starving. Grabbed an apple and a yoghurt, struggled to finish them. I've dropped a wee bit of weight but not too bad. 
I is cooking tea today and is currently baking to encourage me to eat something fattening :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

Erm, you do need to eat more than an apple and a yoghurt love.

I like I's style!

----------


## Paula

Blimey, Im trying to lose weight and I have to eat more than that, hunni.....

----------


## Strugglingmum

Urghhh ended up having a nap and woke up feeling worse. 
I'm hoping once they put the food in front of me I'll actually feel hungry cause I feel a bit nauseated.

----------


## Suzi

Can I ask a blunt question? 

Are you actually eating enough during the day? Could that be what's causing the nausea? Have you thought about calorie/food diary keeping for a couple of weeks to see?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm ok. I ate a big bowl of pasta bolognese. Io made the bolognese and A cooked the pasta. I think I was a bit dehydrated when I woke up. I'm feeling better now. But so so tired this weather.

----------


## Suzi

What've you got? We've got heat. We've had 2 days of heat and sun and today it's been heat and overcast.... I do not like heat...  :(:

----------


## Strugglingmum

Needing to breathe. Heading away for the day with my daughter to my favourite beach. Yes I will drive for 2.5 hrs just to be able to walk there. We have a picnic and ready to chill out for the day.

----------


## Paula

Sounds lovely  :):

----------


## Suzi

That sounds so much fun!Have a great time lovelies!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Just back home. Had a much needed girlie day with my daughter. Catch up with you all tomorrow.  Xx

----------


## Suzi

So glad you had a lovely day!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Just having a tough time. Been trying to keep my chin up for weeks and focus on everyone  else but today I just cant. 
Been for a swim and worked some of it out. Looking for a hole to curl up in. Anyone reccomend a feel good movie on Prime or Netflix?

----------


## Paula

I havent watched it yet but Si recommended Enola Holmes on Netflix

----------

Stella180 (27-09-20),Strugglingmum (27-09-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

Early Man! It had us in stitches!  :O:

----------

Strugglingmum (27-09-20)

----------


## Suzi

We're loving Ghosts on Iplayer atm! We all loved series 1 and series 2 is so funny!

----------

Strugglingmum (27-09-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

We're watching it again with the kids, they love it too!

----------


## Paula

Just discovered Ghosts - and binge watched both series in 2 days!

----------


## Jaquaia

The Detectorists is gentle viewing too

----------

Strugglingmum (27-09-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thanks all. Didn't end up feeling like watching anything but will keep them all in mind for another day.

----------


## Paula

Are you ok?

----------


## Suzi

Hey, how are you love? Honestly...

----------


## Strugglingmum

It's just a bit of a tough time emotionally and I'm struggling to cope with it. My flashbacks have been frequent and horrendous now for weeks. 
I've had no psychology since start of August as she has been and is off sick and my CPN wants me to manage on my own to be ready for discharge from her so I feel I can't use her. I'm waiting for my psychiatrist to phone this morning for my review and that puts me on edge as I get anxious waiting. 
Just a bit of a time of it.

----------


## Stella180

If you need the support then use your CPN. That’s what she is there for. She hasn’t discharged you yet and you still need her.

----------


## Paula

> If you need the support then use your CPN. Thats what she is there for. She hasnt discharged you yet and you still need her.


Completely agree. Else how does she truly know youre ready to be discharged?

----------


## Suzi

Call your CPN love.... Please? You need them, use them.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Flipping well broke down this morning (car). I'm lucky enough to have someone who came and rescued me. 
Got home, wrapped myself in a blanket and slept for almost 2 hours. I really dont cope well when things go wrong, it just exhausted me.

----------


## Flo

Ah no! What a b****r!! Hope it's nothing too serious love. For what it's worth, I don't cope well either especially when it comes to breakdowns. I become panic stricken and plain useless! Had a problem and eventual death with my 'fob'...it's the type that the whole fob goes into a hole then you press start. Well it became useless, as did the spare. I couldn't rely on it one day it would start and the next nothing. I used to literally say a prayer that it would work. In the end I had to pay £262 for a replacement!! Bloody cars. Fingers crossed yours isn't too ill. :(bear):

----------

Strugglingmum (28-09-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Review with psychiatrist went ok. 
Increasing my risperidone to try and help with things. 

Car is sorted by hubby. Needed a new battery. 
She is incredibly ancient but  normally very reliable. She is my little bit of independence and I love her greatly for what she represents.  When she dies I wont be able to afford to replace her so its great he got her living again.

----------


## Stella180

What do you drive?

----------


## Suzi

YAY for your car being resurrected! How do you feel about the change in meds? Were you totally honest with them about how you are feeling?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Such a relief about the car.
Yes I was honest about everything. That's why he is increasing my meds to see if it will help with the flashbacks etc. 
Went for a walk with Io this evening.  It helped to get out and walk our local beach with the dog. X

----------


## Suzi

I'm really, really proud of you for telling them everything. Call your CPN and tell them too love... If you need the support take it. If they don't know what's going on then they won't know you need them....

----------

Strugglingmum (28-09-20)

----------


## Paula

Youre phenomenal! Today could have been very different but you did everything you needed to do. Im so proud of you  :):

----------


## Strugglingmum

Today is a really tough day. I feel really sad. I've been awake for ages and I'm trying to count the positives and keep busy. Double swim session booked for later to try work off the low.

----------


## Suzi

Sweet, going by your FB status you're allowed to be sad atm love... Keep talking hunni x

----------


## Paula

I agree with Suzi, its ok to feel crap today  :Panda:

----------


## Strugglingmum

80 lengths today but had a wee weep on the way home from the pool.

----------


## Jaquaia

Crying can be cathartic

----------


## Suzi

80 lengths? Wow! 

 :(bear):   :(bear):   :(bear):   :(bear):

----------

Strugglingmum (30-09-20)

----------


## Stella180

I don’t think I’ve managed 80 lengths in my lifetime!!!

----------

Strugglingmum (30-09-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> I don’t think I’ve managed 80 lengths in my lifetime!!!


 :(rofl):    yeah well I've never actually managed to hit a dart board with a dart without endangering everyone in the vicinity

----------

Paula (30-09-20)

----------


## Stella180

Haha, you’ll never seen me play. Oh, poo! I forgot it was practice last night. Oops!

----------


## EJ

I usually swim 50 lengths in 40 minutes. I’m usually tired by then. Well done on doing 80

----------


## Strugglingmum

I prefer to crochet rather than knit... it tends to be quicker and I'm impatient!!
However after years of turning her nose up at homemade, my daughter has asked me to knit her a jumper..... yes I got excited.... that was before I saw the pattern and got the wool. 
It's super chunky yarn using 10mm needles. I swear I feel like I'm knitting with barge poles. 
However I'm loving knitting for my daughter again and its going well and the cable pattern is lovely. The yarn is a gorgeous teal blue. I cant wait to see her in it.

----------

Paula (30-09-20)

----------


## Suzi

That's hilarious! So cool, I love it when someone asks me to make them something....

----------


## Strugglingmum

Daughter started a new job today so neither of us slept well, I had to take her to work for 7:30am 
On the plus side I've jobs done and just back from doing the food shop.  Just need to put it away now!

----------

Paula (01-10-20)

----------


## Stella180

Ooooh new job eh? What’s she doing?

----------


## Paula

7.30? Is that every day??

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Ooooh new job eh? What’s she doing?


She is an apprentice joiner. Her last placement went down with Covid. This is a new one.




> 7.30? Is that every day??


 Yip. Thankfully today was only 15 mins from home. 
She is ready to do her driving test but we cant book tests again here yet since lockdown in March. Hopefully booking will open soon but dear knows when she will manage to get one.

----------


## Suzi

Well done I for getting the new job! That's really cool, and so local! 

How are you doing today love?

----------


## Stella180

That’s awesome. Always good to have a trade.

----------

Strugglingmum (01-10-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Treated myself to a nap this afternoon.  I also phoned and left a message for my CPN just to touch base with her and let her know how things have been. 
My daughter is out with friends tonight for a meal in Belfast. I drove her up and I'm just going to wait for her to finish as it's an hour drive each way. She wont be late anyway as she is up early for work in the morning. Going to find a quiet spot... hopefully and read or crochet.

----------


## Suzi

Glad you had a nap! Phoning the CPN is also fabulous! Hope you've found a quiet crochet spot!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Home and ready for an early night. 
6:30 comes round quickly.

----------


## Paula

Night, love

----------


## Suzi

Morning love, how are you today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Morning.
Spoke to my CPN this morning and updated her on how things have been. She is phoning me next week just to keep a check. 
Decided on a day at home today. I'm going to get some jobs done but also try and relax a bit. No running my young ones around. I took Io to work this morning but hubby is doing the rest of the running today. My house is a tip and I need to create a more calming environment to ease me a bit.

----------


## Suzi

I'm really proud of you for calling and speaking to your CPN, I know it's not always easy. 
Well done for putting what you need first lovely..

----------


## Paula

^^^wss

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hubby and I used to ride motorbikes, go touring and enjoyed life on 2 wheels. He can no longer ride due to health issues and I had to stop for a while and sold my bike. 
We have so much motorbike clothing it's crazy. Today we set aside one jacket each and one pair trousers each to keep and have photographed the rest to sell. So many jackets, different sizes, even kids gear for when my son used to ride pillion.
We have had to give up a much loved hobby but we might as well see if we can raise a few pounds with the gear. It's just lying in a closet........ thinking positively
There is a small bike (250) in bits in the garage so I will ride again some day... I hope.

----------


## Suzi

Could he get a trike rather than a bike? I fancy one of those. I always wanted to ride bikes but my Mum would never allow it, then other things happened and now I couldn't manage it, but I'm sure a Harley style trike would be so awesome!

----------


## Strugglingmum

So my niece was to get married in July,  they had to rebook for end of October due to lockdown here. 
We have been told there is a good chance we will be back in lockdown by end of October so after a lot of phone calls they have brought it forward to 2 weeks away with the option to bring it forward another week if things get worse here. 
Poor kids..... what a year to be getting married!!

----------


## Stella180

A couple mates of mine celebrated their non-wedding day last week. They have rebooked for next year now. It’s so hard on all those due to marry this year.

----------


## Jaquaia

A friend of mine should have gotten married in May, moved it back to December and is now trying again for May next year.

----------


## Suzi

2020 really is the year that keeps on giving...

----------


## Strugglingmum

Can getting out of bed and sliding into your onesie be classed as getting up and dressed?.......asking for a friend :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

Hell yeah! What's the onesie?

----------


## Paula

Tell your friend, absolutely! And chocolate is an essential  :O:

----------


## Suzi

How's your day been?

----------


## Strugglingmum

It's been quiet. Still in my onesie. 
Been knitting some of it and cooked dinner. 
My thoughts are a bit negative so I'm trying to distract. 
Anxiety seems to be reigning at the moment. I cant wait till my psychologist is back to work.

----------


## Suzi

Hooray for the onesie! 
Want to talk about the thoughts? Do you have a crisis number or a support number you can use if you need to? Will you use it?

----------


## Paula

For a moment, I thought you were knitting your onesie - that would have been impressive while wearing it!  :O:

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Hooray for the onesie! 
> Want to talk about the thoughts? Do you have a crisis number or a support number you can use if you need to? Will you use it?


Yes I'm fine really.  I just feel a bit low. I just need to get my act together a bit. It's been a very emotional month with lots of different stuff going on and anniversaries etc. 
Its 2 months now since I spoke to my psychologist.  I feel like my head is going to burst I've so much to talk over with her.

----------


## Mira

Reading your posts make me think back to what you wrote on mine. Such kind words you wrote to me. You deserve to hear those too. The warmth you made me feel. I wish we could meet too.if only once. I would give you a long hug and hope to let you feel what I see when I think of you

----------

Paula (05-10-20),Strugglingmum (04-10-20),Suzi (04-10-20)

----------


## Suzi

When do you speak to her next? 
It's got nothing to do with "getting your act together" and you know it, sometimes things are tough. Talking helps. Letting your friends help support you helps...  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (05-10-20)

----------


## Paula

Personally, I feel you managed some very difficult times really well. Im not sure Id cope as well. Youre pretty awesome, hunni

----------

Strugglingmum (05-10-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

How did it get to this time of the day? It feels like I haven't stopped yet I haven't done anything major. 
Thankfully I put the dinner in the slow cooker this morning so it's done. Did some laundry and went to my knit and natter group.
By the time I got to the pool today I really wasn't feeling it, I only did 36 lengths. 
I got a phone call from my GP today as he had a form from PIP to fill in. He wanted to check some details. Last week I had a phone call from them so I guess my claim is being processed. 
I think it's not helping with my anxiety at the moment worrying.
  Yes I know there is nothing I can do and no point worrying but I would feel less of a financial drain on my family. 
If I can't be useful at least I can not cause them any more hardship.
I'm tired this evening.  I think just some knitting on the cards.  

Looks like it's been busy here today, I need to catch up. X

----------


## Suzi

"Only did 36 lengths" Lol... Wow PIP moves quicker for you than it does here! 
You are far from a financial drain at all - I'm sure noone sees you like that. 

I'm getting concerned about you love. Can you call your CPN and tell them how you are really doing? You sound really low...

----------

Strugglingmum (05-10-20)

----------


## Paula

You are not causing anyone any hardship, lovely, I promise. Yes, obviously, the PiP award will help you all but its nothing in comparison with how kind, compassionate and loving you are - and Im sure your family will tell you the same

----------

OldMike (06-10-20),Strugglingmum (05-10-20),Suzi (06-10-20)

----------


## Mira

If I can't be useful. Thats enough to break my heart. I know finances can be troublesome. I believe 100% that you could take weeks where you take it easy and chilled people would want you around. Because you are you. People care about you. I care. And useful is not what I think about. I would love to sit with you and watch tv. Or talk. Its all good and its all enough.

----------

Strugglingmum (05-10-20),Suzi (06-10-20)

----------


## Suzi

Morning love, how are you today?

----------


## OldMike

Wow only swimming 36 lengths that's epic in my book.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Having a bit of a day of it. But I went swimming and thrashed out over 50 lengths and it helped ease my anxiety and tears a bit.  :=(:   PLUS I poured it all out to A when I got home. (Think that deserves a chufty badge imho)  :(giggle): 
Going to knit this afternoon. My daughters jumper is coming on well. I want it done for the weekend so need to focus.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  So glad you told A everything. Are you feeling any better?

----------


## Paula

Definite chufty badge!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Did my zoom class his morning and then went for a swim. 
I think getting used to taking my daughter to work in the mornings is taking its toll. I jumped back into bed this morning at 7:45 and didn't get up till near 10. I need to find a better routine. 
I'm always tired anyway but this week I seem to be feeling it more. I was determined to churn out 80 lengths at the pool today but after 20 I thought I was done. Had to really grit my teeth to get to my goal.

----------


## Jaquaia

Is it worth setting a smaller target? If you struggle to achieve it then at least you got there, and if you surpass it then go you! Just a thought as I wouldn't want you to use not meeting your goal as a stick to beat yourself with  :Panda:

----------


## Paula

I agree, its ok not to push yourself some times...

----------


## Strugglingmum

I normally only do 50-55 lengths but Wednesday is my longer swim day so I like to push it. 
It eases my head while I'm in the water and it's a great distraction but yes some days it exhausts me..... but the alternative isn't pretty so I'd rather be exhausted itms

----------


## Suzi

80 lengths? Could you setting such a big target be a way of punishing yourself and then also having it as a stick to beat yourself with afterwards?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I dont think so. More than 80 lengths is achievable for me on a good day, I just had to push a bit harder to achieve it yesterday
I had to attend training college today for theory classes for my catering NVQ . I left there, did the weekly shop and came home and slept for 2 hours. It completely wiped me out. 
My lovely hubby unpacked all the groceries and put them away for me. I'm still feeling a bit bleugh but at least I'm upright. 
Need to cook dinner and I haven't a clue what. Need to get focused. As I said to A yesterday, it would be a lot easier if people didn't need to eat.

----------


## Suzi

Fair enough re the lengths. 
How was the college session? 
Weekly shopping is exhausting, I don't blame you for needing to sleep after it! 
Have you guys tried meal planning? It really helps me!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Yeah. Meal planning helps. We have got a bit lazy about doing it. Not helped with 2 working shifts and it needs to be something easy to keep or reheat on those days. 
Must try harder to get back into it. 
Plumped for good old spaghetti bol tonight. I bulk cook my sauce so I always have some made up ready in the freezer

----------


## Suzi

Yeah, shift work is always a pita..

----------


## Paula

Stop beating yourself up! Youre incredible and doing so well  :):

----------


## Stella180

I love a good spag bol.

----------


## Suzi

How are you today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

They have just announced tightened restrictions here. My poor niece was to be married on Sunday. Weddings restricted to smaller numbers and no reception. 4 days before her wedding devastated for her.

----------


## Paula

Oh no, poor love. What is she going to do?

----------


## Suzi

That's awful for her. I know others who were going to get married on the Saturday when tighter restrictions came into place on the Friday.. It's horrible for everyone involved.

----------


## Strugglingmum

So news is, we can go the the church ceremony but not the reception. Only 25 can go to the reception so that is basically the top table and a couple of friends.
We will get to see them say ' I do' which is brilliant. 
At least its Sunday and she gets a small reception,  from Monday no receptions allowed.
They have hired a beautiful private castle and caterers for the wedding. Food for 100 has already been purchased...what a waste!! 
Anyway, my niece is in decent spirits, she is still getting married,  having all her family there to see it happen and having a beautiful, though much smaller party.

----------


## Paula

Im glad you get to see her married, lovely

----------


## Stella180

So the 25 reception guests will be eating for 4 lol

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you get to be there for the important bit lovely. Maybe the food could be given to guests in a doggy bag  :):   :(rofl):

----------


## Flo

Maybe a doggybag or two can be shipped my way....I'll do anything to avoid cooking! Enjoy the wedding!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Had a lovely time at my niece's wedding ceremony.  She was stunning.

----------


## Paula

So were you!

----------


## Strugglingmum

> So were you!


Aw thank you.

----------


## Suzi

You look AMAZING!!!

----------


## Strugglingmum

> You look AMAZING!!!


Thank you. X

----------


## Mira

Well I can only guess about that. But it must have been great that it all went this way. And that she managed to have the wedding. Some good things in these trying times.

----------

Suzi (19-10-20)

----------


## Suzi

Morning lovely, how are you? What plans do you have for the day?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm so embarrassed!!!! 
Dropped our kitten off to the vet to get spayed.
They phoned me to say the kitten doesn't need spayed, he needs neutered...... she is a boy!!!
As we say over here......I'm cut to the bone! :(blush):

----------

Stella180 (19-10-20)

----------


## Stella180

Haha oops! Hey, does this make your kitten trans gender? It went to the vet a girl and came back a boy without its bits lol

----------


## Strugglingmum

It means I may not show my face in the vet again!!

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):  whats the kitten called?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thankfully very neutrally called Tiger.

----------


## Paula

:(giggle):  when I was growing up, we had a very dainty tabby girl. Dad, however, refused to stand by the back door to call in tiddles or anything like that. So insisted we call her........ Rover

----------


## Jaquaia

:(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

That's hilarious!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Tiger is home and feeling sorry for himself. I'm not saying the vet was laughing but here was definitely a snigger or 2 when I picked him up.  :(blush):

----------


## Suzi

That's so funny!

----------


## Paula

:(giggle):

----------


## Mira

Reading about the names I always thought to get a dog and calling it granddad or something like that. Walking down the street and saying granddad! Stop humping the neighbours leg haha.

And with the cat. The same could happen to me. I am sure everyone thought it was funny and went on with the day. I guess the vet has had that happen lots of times.

----------


## Jaquaia

:(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):   :(rofl):   :(rofl):

----------


## Strugglingmum

:(rofl): 
Mira I love that....so funny

----------


## Strugglingmum

This day 30 years ago I started my nursing career.
I loved it. I was in it for life. Today I'm finding it hard not to resent losing it to illness. I'm trying to be positive and think of all the years I got to enjoy it but I'm also glad for a place I can be honest and say I really miss the years I've lost and I hate that illness robbed me of. I'm sorry if that's self pitying and ungrateful but I do just need to say it and let it out. 
People say it's a great opportunity to be able to change direction and choose a whole different future. Today I'm stamping my feet and saying 'I dont want to'.

----------


## Stella180

You have every right to feel the way you do. Depression robs us of so much and it’s ok to take time to mourn those losses so long as we don’t let them them consume up.

----------

Strugglingmum (21-10-20)

----------


## Suzi

I get it totally. I've been robbed of my teaching career. I loved teaching the kids I did. I know I'll never be able to teach again and that really hurts - it sounds big headed but I was bloody good at what I did... 
So I may not be teaching and helping kids that way and you may not be nursing, but with working here you are still helping people, just in a different way... I know it doesn't feel it, but it is true.

----------

Strugglingmum (21-10-20)

----------


## Paula

I trained for 3 years as an Holistic Therapist and Reflexologist - my dream job.  I took the plunge to give up the day job and start up my own business. 6 months later I was admitted to a mental health hospital, and that was that. It sucks, lovely, and sometimes its too hard to be positive about it. So, stamp your feet all you want (you deserve to be able to do that every now and then) but, as Stella says, dont let it eat you up  :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (21-10-20)

----------


## Mira

As you can see here is the place where you can let it out. People understand. I too have had the same happen to me. Where I could not go on with school because of my mental health issues. And at the time I was so rough at myself for being lazy.

You are a remarkable woman. And thats just me looking at the kind of person you are. When I see your struggles and how you give your best. And yes you do. That must make you one of a kind. I am sorry you did not get to work in the field you wanted. I truly do. But one of the things I love about this place is that I look at the person and not what they do.

And then I am just thankful you are here. 

Yes it sucks. I know the feeling. And its ok to have those feelings. But always try to put something else next to it.

----------

Strugglingmum (21-10-20),Suzi (21-10-20)

----------


## Flo

You're anything but self pitying SM! As everyone else says depression and everything else that goes with it takes us hostage and the ransom we pay is a very high price but you'll never lose your skills as a nurse, and maybe one day you can use the nursing skills plus your experience with mental health issues to your advantage - combine the two as it were....the experts on depression (and alcoholism) are the ones that experience it or live with it in someone they love. You have so much compassion for others who suffer and are a much loved member of the DWD team. You're still a young woman and one day you'll use all of the skills you've learned and others will benefit from what you have to give.

----------

Strugglingmum (21-10-20),Suzi (21-10-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

FLO!!!  You made my day. You said I was still a young woman!! 
Hurtling at full pelt to 50 has me feeling anything but young. I worry it's too late to change direction.

----------


## Suzi

It's never too late love...

----------


## Flo

> FLO!!!  You made my day. You said I was still a young woman!! 
> Hurtling at full pelt to 50 has me feeling anything but young. I worry it's too late to change direction.


50 is the new 30!!!..course you're still young! Blimey! I wish I was 50! Anything's possible at 50. Suzi is right, it's never too late. :Rock:

----------

Suzi (22-10-20)

----------


## Suzi

How are you today SM?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm not really sure. Think I'm just tired. I was at my catering course this morning and did the weekly shop on my way home.

----------


## Suzi

That does sound tiring! Do you enjoy the catering course?

----------


## Strugglingmum

At the moment it's all theory as they cant allow us in the kitchen at present due to Covid and distancing etc. I do enjoy it. I think I'm just feeling a bit hopeless in general about what my future looks like with regards to work etc

----------


## Paula

Hunni, its not been a massive amount of time since you were very ill. One step at a time - you really are doing fantastically well and you dont know whats round the corner  :(bear):

----------

Flo (23-10-20)

----------


## Suzi

Paula's so right. Hunni, one step at a time. You really do need to be kinder to you!

----------


## Stella180

I know exactly how you feel. I struggle with the feeling that not working means I am not contributing. The good people here remind me that there is no shame in being ill but it’s still hard.

----------

Flo (23-10-20)

----------


## Suzi

But you are all contributing... You are both here supporting others and being amazing....

----------


## Paula

I think thats how Ive learnt to accept it (most of the time...). I know that I do work, and contribute, here and elsewhere. And I know I wouldnt have been able to take on these amazing opportunities if I had been doing proper work. And I also know that what I do now has never felt like work and eases my heart  :):

----------

Flo (23-10-20),Suzi (22-10-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I find the future very frightening and uncertain.

----------


## Suzi

You're not alone in that one... Can I share something with you? I had a long conversation with the SENCO at F's school today - they are finally going to help! - and F is more than capable of doing 3 sciences or 2 languages or classics, or any other academic subjects at A Level, but her heart is lying with DT - Product design, art and photography. Her SENCO actually said the same as what we've been saying to her. You need to focus on the here and now, but in the future you need to follow your passions. That's the most important thing. The same can be said for all of us. 
I don't have a job, but this is my work, my writing and volunteering for shout. This is me "working" and actually I may not be contributing in the traditional way I know that this place has helped SO many people and is a force to be reckoned with. I'm f*ing proud of what we do here and what has come together, but I also know there is no way I could do it alone. You are part of that. 
What will be in the future will be. I'm not trying to brush how you are feeling under the carpet or trivialise it in any way, shape or form, but none of us know what the next minute is going to bring, let alone 5 years in the future ( I fell for that in 2015.... it turns out I was very wrong lol ) so lovely, a bit of advice from me to you... Stop. Breathe. Practise some mindfulness, because although it sounds like hippy nonsense it's bloody brilliant. Being "present" and "in the moment" is a fantastic skill and something that everyone should learn.... Breathe....

----------

Flo (23-10-20),Paula (22-10-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

I think we all do to some extent. I know I struggle to think of the future at times without feeling utterly terrified. So many what ifs floating round my head and negative little voices telling me I'm never going to achieve what I want to. All we can do is take one day at a time and celebrate the little victories and in time, we'll realise that actually, we've had a bloody huge victory and are actually pretty damned awesome!

----------

Flo (23-10-20),Suzi (22-10-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Have spent the weekend staying busy and distracting. Lots of cooking and baking. Fitted in a swim yesterday and a long beach walk this morning with Io and Katie. It was bright but very blowy, my favourite beach weather. Got a good bit of crochet done too. 
I've also been concentrating on eating regularly.  My CPN weighed me on Friday and I'm below my agreed lowest weight boundary so I need to eat a bit better although I honestly think it's just the swimming burning it off. I swam 5 days this week to help my head, that's bound to be affecting my weight because I do at least 50 lengths every time I go. 
Tonight I am going to have a slice of the cherry pie I made and maybe some icecream with it........ that should be all the pounds gained that I need!!!

----------


## Paula

Exercise does burn calories, but not as much as youd think. Has your CPN talked to you about what you should be eating? I know from other work I do proof reading hospital leaflets that there are surprising ways to increase your calorie intake

----------


## Strugglingmum

Yeah I know how to fortify my diet.  I guess sometimes I just forget to eat so I need to focus more on eating regularly. When I do eat I eat fairly well.

----------


## Suzi

Could you try keeping an accurate food diary?

----------


## Mira

I just deleted a whole post since I thought at the end of writing it SM is a really smart woman. She knows everything you wrote down. 

Maybe for a time being it should have a bit more focus for you. Maybe the diary?

----------

Strugglingmum (25-10-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thanks. I'm setting alarms on my phone for meal reminders.

----------

Paula (26-10-20),Stella180 (25-10-20)

----------


## Suzi

Good! You could keep that food diary in the healthy eating section if you wanted to?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thanks. I do a photo log. 
I snap everything I eat, and what's left if I dont finish it. Its easier than having to write everything down. That way my CPN actually gets to see exactly what I'm eating. 
It's not what I eat.....I'm actually really healthy with food apart from the odd blow out. Its skipping meals and maybe not finishing them is the biggest issue. I also have to be careful I dont get obsessive about it as I have had food issues in the past and worrying about food cannot become my soul focus or its really unhealthy for me.

----------


## Suzi

That's why I was suggesting the meal diary as you can then see whether you have or haven't eaten meals, but your way works too  :):  I have also had issues with food, so I do understand not making it your focal point... 

How are you doing today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Went to knit and natter group today.
Before I took ill I was knitting myself an Aran jumper. For 4.5yrs it has languished in a bag deemed impossible to continue as it's a really intricate pattern and needs lots of concentration. I had completed the back and halfway up the front. 
Today with a lot of encouragement from my lovely group I lifted it out of the bag, picked it up and worked on it for the duration of the class.  I think it tired me out more than my swim earlier!!
But I am so proud of myself pushing through my fear and anxiety over working on it again. I was so scared of ruining it. 
I did 8 whole rows of it today. Doesn't sound alot but after 4 years it's enough to get me started again on it.

----------


## Stella180

That’s great that you’re back working on your project again. It can take a lot of courage and self belief to get back into it so well done.

----------


## Suzi

YAY for the knitting project! That's really, really awesome!

----------


## Paula

Thats fantastic! I know how that feels (with cross stitch) so can understand how proud you feel  :):

----------


## Strugglingmum

Landed in A&E today following a collapse. If you are the praying  kind and feel so inclined please send some my way. 
Looks like I may be here overnight. Still not sure what's happening but could really use your best thoughts right now. 
My battery is getting low so will have to see if A fancies driving up with one for me. Is that a bit selfish?

----------


## Jaquaia

Hope they find out what's wrong quickly! Thinking of you  :Panda:

----------


## Paula

No thats not selfish, at all. Can you tell us any more about what happened? Praying, love

----------


## Strugglingmum

I was swimming and felt like I was going to faint. I got to the side of the pool and the lifeguards got me out and I blacked out. Every time I came round I blacked out again. It happened 6 times before they got me to the medical room where I blacked out again. They called an ambulance and A but A got there first and took me to A&E. They are thinking a cardiac episode so to get tests tomorrow. At least I've been told I'll get a bed on a ward and not sitting in A&E all night so that's good.

----------


## Paula

Oh, lovely, how frightening  :Panda:

----------


## Mira

Oh no. I hope it will all be fine. I will have you in my thoughts  :(bear):

----------


## Suzi

You must be so scared. Sweetheart have you been eating and drinking enough? Remembering that swimming burns lots of calories....

----------


## Angie

Oh sweetheart hope your home and on the mend quickly xx

----------


## EJ

Sending my love and prayers xx

----------


## Suzi

Hope you've had a good night lovely and that you're getting some answers...

----------


## Paula

How are you doing, sweetie?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hi all.  Thank you for your kind thoughts. 
I have had a lot of tests done and they have ruled out a cardiac reason for the collapses. They have sent me home to see how things go. I've to see my gp for further tests. I'm not long home and was glad to get a cup of tea.
A is looking after me well. X

Another plus, my psychologist is back from sick leave, I have an appointment for Monday morning. Will be good to talk.

----------


## Paula

Phew, thats a relief  :Panda: . Take it very easy.....

Hunni, are you looking after yourself? Eating? Drinking? Meds?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Phew, that’s a relief . Take it very easy.....
> 
> Hunni, are you looking after yourself? Eating? Drinking? Meds?


Thanks Paula.  I'm glad to be home.  Yes I'm eating,  drinking,  taking my meds. I've been under a lot of stress recently so that may be a factor too.

----------


## Suzi

Hunni I'm glad you're home lovely and that you've had a cardiac reason ruled out. I hope that you are going to rest for a few days to start with....

----------


## Mira

I am glad I came online to see how you were doing. I am glad you are home and that you being looked after.

Be safe and have a good rest.

----------

Paula (30-10-20)

----------


## Flo

Look after yourself sweetheart, hope you're 100% soon. Pleased your psychologist is back...good ones are hard to find.  :Panda:

----------


## Paula

Morning, sweetie, how are you?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Good morning. I slept really well last night. I'm feeling a bit lightheaded and tired still. I've done a few wee jobs but planning to take the rest of the day very easy. 
We have a spark here today to connect up our new shower, we will get the en suite completely finished soon I hope.

----------


## Suzi

What jobs have you been doing? Aren't you meant to be resting?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> What jobs have you been doing? Aren't you meant to be resting?


I'm being good. Just loading the dishwasher, changing litter tray, wiping down the table, folding towels etc. 
Currently sat on my bum watching Sony Christmas channel. Going to pick up some crochet.

----------


## Paula

Good, stay there  :O:

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you're sitting....

----------


## Strugglingmum

Drove for the first time today since I got out of hospital. I went for a short swim. Only in the pool for half a session and only did 30 lengths as promised A I would take it easy. I'm pleased with how much I've done today between my psychology appointment, swimming  and some tidying, laundry etc. Feet up rest of the day apart from cooking dinner. 
Tomorrow I have scheduled a day at home to recharge.

----------


## Suzi

How did the drive go? 30 lengths is taking it easy? 
Hunni, can you be kinder to you?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Got a beautiful bunch of flowers, a card and some chocolate left on my doorstep last night. The lovely lady, who I dont know very well drove 1.5 hrs just to deliver a bit of kindness and love. So so thoughtful. I dont feel worthy of such unexpected kindness. I'm truly blown away.

This morning I've been busy. I've washing on and baking in progress as the young people are always looking for comfort food this time of year.
I've a yoghurt and fruit loaf done for Io breakfasts, brownies made, pear crumble and an apple crumble in the oven and pastry made for a cherry tart. It's just cooling in the fridge before I roll it. 
I'm not swimming today so this is my distraction. I am going to sit down with my knitting later and try behave myself :(angel): 

I slept a bit better last night, I think the psychology session must have helped a bit.

----------


## Suzi

You're meant to be taking things easy so why bake so much?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> You're meant to be taking things easy so why bake so much?


Because one likes crumble, one prefers tart. A doesn't eat apple,  it's too dear to buy a GF fruit loaf etc....... plus I just needed to keep my brain distracted. I've just had a nap and am going on zoom for a festive crafts class. Again..... need the distraction.

----------


## Suzi

Fair enough love... Besides in my experience most GF stuff is horrible!  :):  I'm glad you had a nap love.

----------


## Stella180

I need a nap just from reading all you’ve done today.

----------


## Strugglingmum

> I need a nap just from reading all you’ve done today.


I guess we all cope in different ways. Mine is to keep physically moving and giving my brain something methodical and preferably creative to focus on. It's my way of trying not to get stuck.

----------


## Suzi

Fair enough lovely... What's on tomorrow's agenda?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Laundry, always laundry!! I have a zoom class late morning and then a swim. That's the plan anyway, we'll see how it goes.

----------


## Suzi

Oh I feel your pain with the laundry!

----------


## Jaquaia

Yep! I always seem to be doing laundry!!!

----------


## Mira

Hope it will go good

----------


## Flo

To think......they only used to do laundry once a week! There's just the two of us and I use WM every other day...today is going to be WM day. We're all too clean!

----------


## Stella180

My mum barely let my clothes hit the floor before they were in the machine.

----------


## Suzi

Morning love, how are you?

----------


## Strugglingmum

So I'm feeling like the hugest incompetent.
I managed to lose my daughter's cat. Her beloved 6mth old kitten who she absolutely adores. 
Honestly, I shouldn't be allowed around living things. I'm so careless and stupid I should have a warning sign. 
Hoping I dont find a mess splattered on the road on my way to my class this morning. 
Thinking of all my mainland buddies as you re-enter lockdown. X

----------


## Paula

You didnt lose her! Cats escape and get into stupid places - especially warm engines on a cold day (I know, it happened to mine). You are not careless or stupid. 

I dont know if they do NI but doglost.co.uk also advertise cats lost.

----------


## Suzi

You definitely aren't incompetent... When we moved we bought our cat with us, but he got out of an upstairs window that had been left open with the door open by accident. We tried for months to get him back - we hadn't moved far so he went back to our old house but we couldn't get him, he just kept running away. We left food and carriers with our old neighbours who also all tried, but he chose not to come with us....  :(:  I felt awful, still do, but he chose to stay with other people.... 

Hunni, do not beat yourself up about this, it really isn't your fault...

----------


## Mira

You are far from anything you just said. I think we all have had something like that happen. I am a living thing and I would love to have you around

----------

Suzi (05-11-20)

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing love? Any news?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Still no sign of our cat. I've been out looking throughout the day. At least there is no sign of any roadkill locally so that's good. Hoping he might find his way over the fields home.

----------


## Stella180

Typical Tom cat. When he finally does come home get his conkers chopped off. It’s supposed to stop them straying.

----------


## Suzi

I'm sorry you haven't found him yet love...  :Panda:   :(bear):  How are you doing?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Yip, he is conkerless. This is all entirely my fault. He travelled under the car half a mile from home, then jumped down and ran off. 
I didn't sleep last night so I have been sent to bed by A. I've spent the day distracting with various things and I'm shattered but sleep just doesn't come..... but that's becoming my normal again. 

A has asked me to knit him a jumper so I've ordered wool and I'm going to try keep it a secret and do it for Christmas.  Hope I get it done in time!!

----------


## Flo

You mean the cat was in the engine or something??....don't blame yourself! Cats can be strange things. we have two. One of them..Fang...used to disappear for days. We'd be tearing our hair out then she'd just saunter through the cat flap one day then give us the 'what are YOU looking at' face and that would be that!! Good luck with the jumper. I'm knitting one for granddaughter.

----------


## Suzi

Hey love, how are you? Did you get any sleep? Have you told your care team that you're struggling to sleep? Any sign of your kitty?

----------


## Paula

It is NOT your fault! Cats do that and, unless you can say wed all get under our cars to check them every time, no one can prevent this

----------


## OldMike

When I was working one of the guys told me his cat had been sat on top of the cars engine (they go there because of the heat from the engine) they traveled for miles and it was only when they stopped and heard something and it was only after they opened the bonnet (hood) that they found the cat, it had some injuries (probably burns from the hot engine) but survived. It lost one of its nine lives that day and after that was a bit of a nutjob.

Cats do go missing and sometimes they get locked in peoples' sheds or garages.

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing love?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm ok. Still no sign of the kitty. Io and her boyfriend are hoping to go down hunting when she gets home from work. 
I'm just back from a swim so brain is a bit easier. Still not sleeping great but we will see how the weekend goes. 
I did a zoom call with our minister and a small connect group this morning.  It was nice to connect as we haven't been to church since lockdown in March. Hoping to do some knitting this afternoon.  The house is a mess so I need to clean but I haven't got the motivation for it yet. Maybe later.

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing love?
Sorry that there is no sign... Blinking cats. Mind of their own... 
So glad you got to go for a swim and that you got to speak to your minister. Not being able to go to church is so hard. 
How's the knitting this afternoon?

----------


## Strugglingmum

So no knitting done yet. I did a bit of hoovering instead and kinda just sat wasting time. 
I'm worried about the kitten. He is only 6mths. Only been going outside for a few weeks and probably totally lost far from home with no idea how to get back. I feel so so guilty and thoughts of him crying lost and hungry are overwhelming me. 
How could I be so negligent as to not check the car. I don't know how many warnings I've read to bang the car bonnet this weather in case of cats hiding.

Anyway, fire lit and going to lift the knitting needles soon. The wool arrived today for A's jumper but I haven't had a chance to look at it as he's been around. Still hoping to keep it all a secret for Christmas. Sshhhh dont tell him. I'll just have to work on my own jumper tonight.

----------


## Suzi

Hunni, stop beating yourself up about it. I know you're scared and worried, but right now beating yourself up isn't going to help you or him. Sweetheart it was an accident.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Our baby is found!!
We just went picked him up. 
Io and her boyfriend had been out looking for him today and had spoken to a lady who lived down by where he went missing. She said she would go over her field calling him...... she found him!! 
My daughter has a grin back from ear to ear and I'm in tears but he's home.  :(party):

----------


## Stella180

He’s a little bugger! Glad he is home safe. No need for you to feel guilty just give him lots of cuddles and extra tuna  :O:

----------


## Suzi

I'm so thrilled for you!

----------


## Paula

Im so very chuffed! How are you doing?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm ok. 2nd load out on the line, 3rd load in. Bathroom semi-cleaned. Kitchen semi-cleaned. Pot of soup on the go. Had some work to do on the laptop and did it first thing, I've eaten and have started A's jumper for Christmas. Only on the band, but it's a start. House is quiet and I'm going to get a cuppa and watch a Christmas movie. My knee has been playing up this week so I've been instructed to rest it so gonna do that this afternoon.  There may also be some chocolate.......

----------


## Stella180

Chocolate makes everything better.

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like you've had a lovely day. I'm glad you've been resting your knee...

----------


## Strugglingmum

Good morning everyone. Been remembering those who gave so much for us and our safety and liberty. 
Been a different remembrance Sunday as we normally attend our local cenotaph but we can still honour and remember in our hearts. 

Was up early this morning to do a bit of work on A's jumper before he got up. Heading for a swim in a while as wont get a chance tomorrow. It's very grey and wet here. Think it's going to be a fire lit and stay in day. 
What's everyone up to?

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like a good day so far lovely. How's the secret jumper going?

----------


## Stella180

I’m not venturing far from the comfort of my home today. Not got the energy after lugging beds and mattresses about. Trying to chill out if my head will let me.

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Sounds like a good day so far lovely. How's the secret jumper going?


It's going ok, pattern isn't too difficult. It's the knitting in secret bit that's awkward!!

----------

Flo (09-11-20)

----------


## Suzi

I think that's fab. I love making things for people for presents!

----------


## Mira

Love that you are doing something like this. Great idea. It would put a smile on everybody there face.

----------

Strugglingmum (08-11-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Lord what a day!! 
Didn't sleep great until of course my alarm went off and I fell asleep for 30mins. Been chasing my tail all day trying to get round everything I had to do. 

Had a psychology appointment this morning which went well and have a few new ideas to read through and thoughts to process and try. 
A's jumper is slowly growing but I did get some done at knit and natter group. 

Have a committee meeting by zoom tonight so tbh cant wait till bedtime!!

----------


## Paula

Well done getting through it  :):

----------


## Suzi

Sounds really busy. Glad the psychologist went well love.

----------


## Flo

Great stuff SM! You're doing great!....I thought of knitting a jumper for Ian, but quickly went off the idea! He's 6'2' and 16 stone.....It would take me 'til doomsday to finish it...so I buy them at M&S instead :(giggle):

----------

Strugglingmum (10-11-20),Suzi (10-11-20)

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## Strugglingmum

Good choice Flo :(giggle): 

Heading for a swim. Catch up with you all later

----------


## Suzi

Enjoy your swim. 

Hope today is a good one for you x

----------


## OldMike

> Great stuff SM! You're doing great!....I thought of knitting a jumper for Ian, but quickly went off the idea! He's 6'2' and 16 stone.....It would take me 'til doomsday to finish it...so I buy them at M&S instead


Use knitting needles the size of pencils and wool like thick string and it'd grow like Usain Bolt doing the 100 metres  :(giggle): 

SMum glad all went well with the psychologist  :Panda:

----------


## Paula

Have fun, love

----------


## Strugglingmum

Had a lovely swim this morning.  I'm now waiting to start a zoom festive crafts class. Dont know how it will go......today we are working with clay. I got a box of stuff with materials for each week.  I'm wick at arts and crafts but it will be a bit of fun and a way to connect with people. I also have the bonus of trying to craft with a cat on my knee and a GSD at my elbow. How many hairs will I get in the clay :(rofl):

----------


## Paula

:(giggle):  have fun!

----------


## Stella180

I’d be happy to come have cuddles with your GSD while you’re crafting. You can keep the cat though cos I’m allergic. Unless he’s really cute and then I will have antihistamines at hand for extra playtime.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Oooh my Tiger is the cutest!! 
Thankfully they both behaved. 
I now have 2 lovely tealight angel decorations.  I had spare clay so I also cut out a couple of bells to hang on the tree once painted

----------


## Suzi

Do we get to see pics when you're done?

----------


## Strugglingmum

So I'm a little confused.
September I got renewal forms for my PIP. I filled them in, sent them back, got a phone call to reassess and I know my GP got a request for info because he spoke to me about it. 

Today I got a letter saying my PIP is being extended to July because they cant do reviews due to Covid.  So what was the point in all the form filling and phone calls and bothering my GP??
I mean it's great to know I'm still getting it till July but what a waste of time and effort.....and not just mine, not to mention the stress. 
Anyway, at least I can ignore it for another 6mths..... I'm assuming I'll have to resubmit forms then.

----------


## Suzi

I think it's so they give themselves more time. But yes, the stress would have been nice to have been without!  :Panda:

----------


## Stella180

I had a letter saying it was extended, then got the paperwork to complete, and then I was told I was extended again. Confused the hell out of me too.

----------


## Suzi

How are you this morning?

----------


## Strugglingmum

So I'm feeling a need for positivity!!


Its grey and dismal but I made my very own flaky pastry (gf of course) from scratch today. 3 rolls, 3 folds, 3 turns. It's been a few years!! Good old school cookery lessons. It's in the fridge chilling and I hope to make sausage rolls with it later (gf of course :(rofl): )
I'm going for a swim, just waiting outside the leisure centre. 
I also blind baked some small sweet pastry cases. I had shortcrust pastry made which needed used.

So who else has done something nice.... got up? Had a shower? Read a book? Not strangled someone?

----------


## Paula

Lol, Sis still undamaged despite the Darth Vader comments. And I cleaned the en suite, the first time doing housework since my LP  :O:

----------

Strugglingmum (11-11-20)

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## Stella180

SM can I come live with you? All that pastry sounds yummy. I can almost smell it from here. 

I hope you’re not pushing too hard Paula? 

What have I achieved? Well I polished the coffee table and put the stays on a headboard with I can’t fit can the fixings on the bed are missing. Doh! Now leaving the real work to the cleaners while I take me meds and snuggle with Super Sausage.

----------

Strugglingmum (11-11-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

I've showered, done a tiny bit of uni work and requested an extension! Read a chapter of my book too, reading Elizabeth is Missing and it's brilliant!

----------

Strugglingmum (11-11-20)

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## Suzi

I've not done much at all! I'm finishing making my Mum's Christmas present, spoke to her on the phone - 2ce, helped her not to be scammed (again), watched a couple of episodes with Hazel  :O:

----------

Strugglingmum (11-11-20)

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## Strugglingmum

Hurrah for us all. We are achievers!!

I rewarded my 90 lengths at the pool with a crisp butty!!  :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

90 lengths? How big is this pool? 5m across?  :(rofl):   :(rofl):   :(rofl):

----------

Strugglingmum (11-11-20)

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## Paula

Love crisp butties, nom

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Strugglingmum (11-11-20)

----------


## Allalone

Can I join in?

Made a sticky black gingerbread to distract, had a shower and got clothes out ready for tomorrow. 

Crisp butties are amazing!!

Not heard of any chufty badge awards recently??

----------

Strugglingmum (11-11-20)

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## Flo

OMG! I LOVE chip butties!!!! Salivating at the thought!

----------


## Flo

> Hurrah for us all. We are achievers!!
> 
> I rewarded my 90 lengths at the pool with a crisp butty!!


Oh! Crisp butty? It's gotta have either marmite or Bovril in.....slurpicious!

----------

Strugglingmum (11-11-20)

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## Mira

Yesterday before i broke down I made Flammkuchen. Thats something like flame cake. Its more of a pizza kind of dough but different and not from Italy. The traditional way to eat it is put creme freche on it and some bacon and red union. But you can put whatever you want on it as long as you do the creme freche. I never had it before so will be the first time eating it. We are eating it tomorrow. Me and my mum. 

I was curious if it would work since it also was made with yeast. But so far so good. And it goes in the freezer. So tomorrow its just taking it out and then stuff on it and in the oven  :):

----------

Flo (12-11-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Sounds amazing Mira!! Well done.

Flo!!! Marmite?? Really??? Sorry not a lover  :(rofl): 

Allalone I love gingerbread.... and sticky gingerbread sounds even better!!

----------


## Stella180

Not a marmite lover. Hmm, I’m sure we can be friends.

----------


## Suzi

Erm how can you not like Marmite? I loves it I do I do I do! 

Gingerbread - YUK! I love ginger, but hate gingerbread!

----------


## Strugglingmum

What a day. Torrential rain all day and the roads are badly flooded. Thought we were going to get stuck tonight. Seriously if it keeps up I may need a canoe tomorrow to go anywhere.
My daughter volunteers at the food bank in our main town on a Wednesday evening. I had to drive through small lakes to get home. Thankfully no water poured in through the doors as it was definitely up the sills. 
Safe and dry in bed....... and oh yes...... it's just stopped raining. :(clap):

----------

Suzi (12-11-20)

----------


## Flo

Have a bucket close by for this then.. my husband loves bacon banana and raisin sandwiches...BLEUGH!!!

----------


## Suzi

Well done Io for volunteering at the food bank. That's something to be really proud of! 

Hope the flooding has passed love and it's all safe and dry where you are. What's on your agenda today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Most of the floods had eased this morning.
One of 'those' days.
Making sausage rolls at 7:30am and jambons.
Showered and went to my NVQ class, home, quick lunch and took my son to the bus stop to go to work, came home and gave in to sleep. Couldn't distract any more.  Had a full 2 hours. 
Very anxious and aggitated when I woke but A was home by that stage and helped me settle enough to make dinner together. Still a bit on edge but better than earlier. Going to try a bit of knitting to see if it helps.

----------


## Angie

Hope the knitting helps hunni x

----------


## Suzi

Do you know what has caused your anxiety and agitation? 

Has the knitting helped at all?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Just the usual flashbacks and nightmares. I was awake from 5am with nightmares and didn't want to sleep again.

----------


## Stella180

I’m guessing with the late night posts still not wanting to sleep?

----------


## Paula

How are you doing, lovely?

----------


## Suzi

I'm sorry you were struggling with flashbacks and waking from a nightmare can really unsettle you... How are things today? How did you sleep last night?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I had a late night run to pick my son up from work last night. Took me a while to settle and then I was up at 6 to get Io up and dropped off to work. 
I came back and got into bed. I'm not long awake, I got another couple of hours. I'm lying in bed still so need a kick to get up and moving. 
Need to take my son to work after lunch and I have a swim booked for 2pm. 
The ironing pile is through the roof and the kitchen is disgusting. I guess the ironing can wait another day till tomorrow. 
The flashbacks and nightmares have become just a way of life for me. Some days I cope with them better than others depending on how many and which particular one is plaguing me.

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you're making the choice to leave the ironing for today and you are listening to your body. 

Have you found anything to help with the flashbacks?

----------


## Paula

I loathe ironing so dont iron for Si or Jess and do mine as I go. So Id say you can always leave the ironing  :):

----------


## Strugglingmum

Have you found anything to help with the flashbacks?[/QUOTE]

Unfortunately no, but we are still working on it in psychology.




> I loathe ironing so dont iron for Si or Jess and do mine as I go. So Id say you can always leave the ironing


I hate ironing too. Actually I hate getting started, once I'm started it's not too bad. I was spoilt during lockdown when Io was at home all day as she did most of it. 

My lovely addled brain struck again today.
I drove the 4 miles to the local village to get some milk to find I had forgotten my purse.  I had to drive home, turn and go back again. Anyway milk purchased and breakfast eaten. 
Swimming may well be the highlight today :(rofl):

----------


## Stella180

I’ve forgotten what it’s like to just walk out the house without having to go back cos I forgot something.

----------


## Suzi

Hope that's the only thing you forget today! In our house it seems to be masks that keep being forgotten!

----------


## Angie

Awww sweetie its a pain when that happens and can throw your day out at times aswell.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Apart from tacking the ironing today I have achieved very little. I sat on my bum all afternoon knitting and my amazing hubby treated us to a chippy for tea. Fire lit, Christmas movies on and I vegetated.  
Why do I always feel guilty for taking a gentle day? I actually feel ashamed at my lack of activity and worried my family is thinking how lazy I am. 
A just tells me I'm too hard on myself but I do actually wonder where that deep-seated belief comes from.

----------


## Mira

I can relate. Going through the same where I can even get mad at myself for being inactive. And in the end its A thats right. 

If I wrote in a post that I lit a fire, and had a lovely meal while being under a blanket on the sofa with a christmas movie on. Would you reply to me going wow you lazy boy! Why did you not do anything? Or would you say hey Mira good for you. Hope you enjoyed it?

So it could also be about being kind to yourself. I for one hope you are relaxed and are enjoying the moment.

----------

Strugglingmum (14-11-20)

----------


## Stella180

Nice post Mira. Haha, go on SM, get out of that one lol. 

It’s the weekend. We all need time to chill and just do things we like to do. If knitting and a feel good movie works to recharge the batteries then it’s mission accomplished.

----------


## Suzi

Yes you are being far too hard on yourself. It's not a lazy day, it's a recharging day!

----------


## Paula

Knitting isnt being lazy, its productive!

----------


## Suzi

And in my case takes a huge amount of concentration! Definitely not lazy!

----------


## Strugglingmum

I know you are all completely right.
I guess I just wonder why I feel the way I do. Where does that guilt come from? Why do I feel rest is wrong and undeserved? Etc
Overthinking much?

----------


## Stella180

I totally get the guilt thing. I feel guilty for everything I ever did. I’m also told here that I have nothing to apologise for but I’m not sure that is true. I think so long as we try to improve on who we are do rather than looking at the past that is the way forward. Not going to pretend that is easy cos it’s a real struggle for me, I only hope your journey is easier.

----------


## Flo

If knitting is lazy then I'm the laziest woman on the planet. I'm the same...feel guilty about everything but know I shouldn't...it's a hard monkey to shift! My mum could never sit down and it usually resulted in an argument with dad. Ian loves it when I relax. Funnily enough I was talking to a lady in the village and I said that I feel guilty if I don't walk every day and she said to me: "Guilt is a useless commodity Jenny, you shouldn't feel guilty over anything!" Wonder if that's why she always has a smile on her face?  :(giggle):

----------


## Strugglingmum

I love that.  Guilt is a useless commodity.

----------


## Paula

How are you feeling today?

----------


## Suzi

Guilt is a wasted emotion, but one we all deal with every single day of our lives....

----------


## Flo

> Guilt is a wasted emotion, but one we all deal with every single day of our lives....


Sadly that's true....it's a difficult one.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Been a bit busy today. Tidied this morning. Went for a swim this afternoon and then did the shopping. 
Also been trying to catch up on the reading I had to do for my psychologist for tomorrow's appointment. Its actually alot of stuff I have been thinking about recently. It all make sense, I just hope she can help me apply it.

----------


## Paula

What times the appointment?

----------


## Strugglingmum

9am. Its how I start my week!! Lol

----------


## Suzi

That's a good way to start the week...

----------


## Flo

I'll be thinking of you this morning love! I'm sure it'll be productive.xx

----------


## Paula

Thinking of you  :Panda:

----------


## Mira

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Hope the appointment goes well lovely x

----------


## Angie

Hope it goes well this morning hunni x

----------


## Strugglingmum

It was hard work. I feel really punctured and tearful. But I think it was productive, we'll see. Wish one of you were here to give me a hug. 
Knit and natter later then a swim.

----------


## Angie

Wish we could be there to but sending virtual hugs  :(bear):  :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (16-11-20)

----------


## Suzi

Oh my love, I wish I was there to give you the hugest hug and let you cry on my shoulder. I'm so proud of you for doing this. I know it's so hard, but you are so strong.

----------

Strugglingmum (16-11-20)

----------


## Paula

https://images.app.goo.gl/UjgYiFnjL7dG57K29

----------

Strugglingmum (16-11-20)

----------


## Flo

A big hug from me too sweetheart.....well done. :(bear):  :(bear):

----------


## Suzi

How are you love?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm feeling tired.
 I feel like I have a lot to think through and process. Things are jumping about and it feels like some things are trying to jump into place. I feel very overwhelmed. 
I feel like I need to thing it all out and process my thoughts while it's all fresh but i feel too tired to do it now but I'm scared that if i dont do it now i might lose some of it.

I have also indulged in a lot of comfort food which has annoyed me too. Silly isn't it. But I'm starting to understand where some of those thoughts might be coming from.

----------


## Mira

:Panda:  :(bear):

----------


## Stella180

Oh the joy of therapy. I know exactly what you mean. It’s so hard to get everything in order when so much “important” stuff is running rampant in your mind. It takes so much out of you and  don’t feel like you have to mental or physical energy to deal with it. I recommend trying to take it easy tonight cos none of it is really going anywhere.

----------


## Suzi

It really is tough. You really are amazing. I'm so proud of you. Can you be kind to you tonight and tomorrow? What about talking things over with A?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Had a good talk with A last night about things so it did help both of us. 
Been a busy day again. 
Took Io to work then went back to bed for a while. Got up, took my son to work and went for a swim.  Came home, had lunch then did my zoom festive crafts class.  Today we did card making. I've made a few and it did spark my interest to do a few more. Made dinner and now feet up for a while. Hopefully A will go to sleep and I will be able to work on his jumper for Christmas.

----------


## Angie

Sounds like a busy but good day hunni x

----------


## Paula

Im really relieved you spoke to A, well done love

----------


## Suzi

Well done for talking to A. Did it help? 
Why are you taking the kids to work? I thought they had cars? Might have been me misunderstanding of course  :):

----------


## magie06

I love card making. You can make them as plain or complicated as you like. It sounds like a very productive day.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Io has bought a car but hasn't got her test yet. There have been no tests since lockdown.  When they did open them up again they were only for those who were deemed essential workers so she cant get one yet. My eldest drives and has a car but C doesn't drive. He wants to learn but again, driving instructors aren't working full capacity here yet.... in fact not at all at the moment. 
So mums taxi is in great use.

----------


## magie06

They released numbers of people waiting on a test here today and they said that there are 70,000 people waiting on a test. We only have a population of just over 5 million, so I think it's dreadful for all those waiting.

----------


## Mira

Its suprising how different countries do things different with regards with what we can do and can not do. Here they are working at full capacity. All the driving schools. And in the first wave all the hairdressers had to close and in the way worse second wave they are open.

Sounds like you had a good day. I am always happy when I see you are doing ok.

----------


## Suzi

> Io has bought a car but hasn't got her test yet. There have been no tests since lockdown.  When they did open them up again they were only for those who were deemed essential workers so she cant get one yet. My eldest drives and has a car but C doesn't drive. He wants to learn but again, driving instructors aren't working full capacity here yet.... in fact not at all at the moment. 
> So mums taxi is in great use.


Ahh, that explains it! Thanks... Poor Mum though!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Another busy day. Up at 6 to get Io to work, came home and went back to bed at 7:30. Slept again till 9:30. Had a zoom class this morning and then went for a swim. Did 100 lengths today. Had a bit of time to kill until io finished work and then we came home, made dinner. Now have feet up and am not moving again tonight.
My lovely Katie is happily snuggled up with me. Might manage a bit of knitting but I'm not sure if I can be bothered.  My head has been whirring all day trying to process thoughts so I'm a bit tired.

----------


## Stella180

So rest up tonight. Knitting will still be there tomorrow.

----------


## Flo

A hundred lengths?!!!!....what are you on? Cos I want some! Give your brain a rest and chill out tonight.

----------


## Mira

Seems to me that you deserve a rest. You are doing so well.

----------


## Stella180

> A hundred lengths?!!!!....what are you on? Cos I want some!


Me too. I don’t think I’ve managed a total of 100 lengths in my life never mind a single session.

----------


## Suzi

100 lengths? Is that a good idea pushing yourself that much? Have you been eating and drinking properly? Hunni, are you pushing that much almost as a way of punishing yourself?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I love swimming.  It brings me peace. The longer I swim the longer the period of peace. It silences my thoughts for a while. 
Anyway, I've done nothing all night only watched a bit of telly. I'm heading to bed soon as I have to be up at 6am to take Io to work. 
I'm eating ok. I haven't lost any weight in  few weeks so that's good.
I'm not swimming tomorrow.

----------


## Suzi

Can I ask, how long did it take to swim those 100 lengths? 

How are you this morning lovely? What's on today's agenda?

----------


## Strugglingmum

It took me about 80/85 mins to do 100 lengths .
I was up earlier and got Io to work. I went back to bed for a while. I'm now up, dressed, fed and taking my son to work then onto my NVQ class. I've a couple of things to get then I'm coming home and will either knit, clean, watch telly, craft or something. To be decided later :(think):

----------


## Mira

Its good not to make rigid plans some days. You can always have a look how you feel and do it then.

Wow the swimming always amazes me. I like to swim but I never go. Eventhough I have a sea nearby and a swimming pool in the village.

----------


## Strugglingmum

I live by the sea Mira but I'm not tempted to go in.....far too cold!! I like my heated, clean calm water leisure centre pool :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like a busy day! I think the idea of knitting and tv are good ones!  :):

----------


## Flo

Me too....I'm thinking of doing the same!!

----------


## Strugglingmum

I've really struggled today so dinner is from the freezer. I just cant be  bothered.  They dont get processed food very often so I'm trying not to feel guilty about it. 

I did my class this morning, came home and tidied a bit. I got a bit of knitting done on As jumper. Nearly have the back finished.
Might do a bit of gift sorting this evening to try and get a Christmas feel.

----------


## Suzi

Dinner from the freezer isn't bad love. Be kind to you....

----------


## Stella180

I’ve just this minute finished a microwave meal for my dinner. Beef stroganoff a la ding.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Just finished a lovely swim and waiting for my daughter to finish work, then home. 
It's one of my sons birthday today, he is 20. We are getting a chinese takeaway for dinner so no cooking. Hurrah!!
I'm a bit gutted. We are entering a stricter lockdown next Friday and the swimming pool is closing. It's supposed to be for 2 weeks but there is talk it might not open again after Christmas. I know there are worse things happen to people than a swimming pool closing but I'm trying not to stress about how I'll cope without my swim. 
Hair salons, non- licensed restaurants etc opened today after 5 weeks closed. They have to close next Friday again for 2 weeks. Honestly, I've always been embarrassed by the politics in my country but the clowns are really excelling themselves at the minute. They keep talking about closing now to save everyone's Christmas but how are they gonna fund the NHS in January when cases rocket after all the Christmas partying and contact? I would rather keep everything low-key and have some stability.

----------

Stella180 (20-11-20)

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## Stella180

I heard we would get a “reward” with relaxed rulings for Christmas. I don’t think the virus celebrates the birth of Christ so will be having a great time spreading amongst all of the party people.

----------


## Suzi

Happy birthday to your son! 
I heard about the tighter restrictions you have coming in, and I have to agree I think that the politicians on both sides of the water are bl**dy useless! Boris has no idea at all... Following the science? My arse! 

What other options do you have rather than the pool?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Yoga or walking/running. It's not just the exercise,  although moving my body really helps me, it's the other sensory things that swimming gives me. I'll think of something. 

Io just got the most gorgeous bunch of flowers from her boyfriend.  They are so cute.

----------

Suzi (20-11-20)

----------


## Paula

Awwww

----------


## Strugglingmum

I have eaten so much Chinese food I think I might explode . 
At least my boy enjoyed his birthday dinner. 
Going to lie on the sofa for the rest of the night and complain about my sore guts!!  :(doh):  ....... I do this every time I eat chinese.....you'd think i would learn  :(giggle):

----------

Flo (21-11-20),Suzi (20-11-20)

----------


## Mira

I have the same with Chinese, love it.

----------


## Suzi

I LOVE Chinese food.... Fern doesn't  :(:  

So glad you had a good time lovely.

----------


## Jaquaia

I love certain chinese food but not a fan in general. Love prawn toast!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Up and away to get my hair done. 
Hairdressers opened yesterday after 5 weeks closed. They have to close again at end of business next Thursday  bless them!! Everywhere is closing up here next Thursday other than essential shops so the shops are mad, I'm staying well away. I hate shopping at best of times. 
Have a lovely Saturday everyone.

----------


## Paula

Oooo happy hair day!

----------


## Suzi

Enjoy getting your hair done!  :):

----------


## Mira

I am curious how the hair day is going? I hope you have a good time out.

----------


## Strugglingmum

My hair feels fab. 
I've been growing out my short pixie cut since  first lockdown so it is nearly nearly into a Bob, just a bit more to go. Roots are covered and I have that lovely smooth professional finish which I never achieve!
I've been a bit lazy since!!

----------


## Mira

Thats awsome. Is the bob with a pony or longer hair all around? And being a bit lazy is allowed. Its the weekend  :):

----------


## Strugglingmum

Its growing down to be same length all round. I may cut a fringe into it when it's all completely down, not sure yet.

----------


## Mira

Ok, I like that idea a lot. I love the look of a bob haircut. But not so much a fan of shorter bangs. So I am sure I would like how your hair is looking. I did my own hair today with clippers so there is not much left. My long hair days are long gone  :):

----------


## Strugglingmum

I do my husband's with the clippers.  Number 2 all over.

----------


## Mira

Mine is number two as well. Though the beard is longer. I am growing out my mustache and it almost covers both my lips now.

----------


## Suzi

My husband has no hair. He lost everything at 16 thanks to Alopecia Universalis. No internal or external hair...

----------


## Stella180

I’d shave my head for charity. Need to raise at least £300 though to make it worthwhile

----------


## Flo

My hair is very thick and right now it's doing exactly as it likes! I'm afraid I'm the 'Wash hair, shake like a wet dog and go out' type...my son is going thin on top so he's going abroad in March for a hair transplant! Rather him than me!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Wow. That's supposed to be very painful Flo. Rather him than me too!!

----------


## Suzi

Morning SM, how are you today? You doing anything nice?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Good afternoon all. I had a bit of a live-in as found it hard to get a bit of motivation. Finally got up and fed and spent almost 2hrs with my fur baby on the beach. Bright but cold. Was a lovely morning and I do feel better for it. 
Not sure what I'm up to the rest of the day..... but I need some lunch now.

----------


## Paula

I am slightly jealous that you live by the sea - thats my happy place  :):  Sounds like a lovely morning

----------


## Suzi

Stunning photos! I love the beach too.... I miss it so much!

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm very blessed.  I live on a peninsula so I have a sea lough 10 mins walk in one direction and the Irish sea 2.5 miles in the opposite direction and am surrounded by pure countryside.

----------

Stella180 (22-11-20)

----------


## Suzi

Sounds lovely!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Morning everyone.  A bit greyer here today. 
I have a psychology appointment at 9am, knit and natter later in the day and a swim booked for after. 
I have had a week of really poor motivation,  like not wanting to do anything. I need to try fix it so I'm going back to writing my goals for the day,  
What I need to do
What I want to do for me
What that would make me feel better about my surroundings.
One for each category.  Only problem is I feel there are lots for the 'need to do'  but food shopping is taking the lead for that one!

----------


## Suzi

The goal writing really seemed to help last time you did it, so that sounds like a positive for you already today. Well done for being proactive. 

Sounds like you've a good day planned... but will you try not to push yourself too hard in swimming?

----------

Strugglingmum (23-11-20)

----------


## Paula

Can I suggest there should be more  in each of the second 2 categories than the first? Or is that too much?

----------

Strugglingmum (23-11-20)

----------


## Flo

Sounds like a plan SM. I lack motivation at this time of year. I'm sure it's because of it getting dark early...I think the animal in us wants to hibernate! I have to force myself to walk which I don't have to do in the summer. But I always feel better afterwards. I think it's great that you swim every day..you're amazing!

----------


## OldMike

I agree Flo it is so easy to doze on the sofa during these short dark days, where's my get up and go I think it got up and went.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Phew. Been a busy day and getting ready to run out again.
Io is getting her hair cut at 8:15 and I'm going to run do the shopping while she is in. All the hair salons etc are open late every night trying to get everyone fitted in before lockdown hits again on Friday. 
I really need to food shop so saves running to the town for just 1 thing.
Between psychology,  knitting group, swim and cooking dinner it's been a day. Psychology again has left me with lots to think about and process.

----------


## Paula

Want to talk about it?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Want to talk about it?


I'll probably have a ramble after I've thought some more

----------

Paula (23-11-20)

----------


## Suzi

As and when you are ready love...

----------


## Mira

Yes I agree with Suzi. If its tomorrow or in a few weeks. I hope you will share it with us. But if not thats ok too.

And everything you did today would leave me tired without the psychologie. So I hope you gave yourself some love tonight.

----------


## Suzi

Morning love, how are you today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Another day just running about. Up and got Io to work.  Back to bed for another hours sleep. Up, fed, took Cal to work, finished the shopping (bits and pieces I couldn't get last night cause the shelves were empty), went swimming,  home, lunch, zoom craft class. 
I'm heading out again to pick Io up from work and take her to get her dads Christmas pressie before the shops shut down on Friday. I feel like I'm going to meet myself coming back these days. In the middle of it all my CPN phoned to let me know she was discharging me as 'she no longer is of therapeutic use'.
My psychiatrist will still be involved and of course my psychologist. 
Hope everyone is doing ok. Sorry I haven't been around much past few days. It's just been a bit mad.

----------


## Stella180

Wow! You really are running about like a blue-arsed fly. That in itself must be stressful enough. How do you feel about the discharge?

----------


## Flo

Yep, you're a busy girl ok...just don't burn yourself out! I miss not going crizzy shopping now that the kids are parents themselves. Used to love shopping with them..it put some Christmas spirit in me....which is now much depleted....I'm a Grade A Grinch now! :(rofl):

----------


## Paula

How are you doing?

----------


## Strugglingmum

So I'm home. Io got what she wanted for her dad. It's a joint present from the 3 of them so at least it's got. 
I'm tired. We phoned A when we were coming through the town and told him to put the dinner on so I'm just waiting on it being ready.
I haven't really had time to think or process anything from psychology yesterday. Feeling the need for time to hibernate a bit and work things out but dont know when I'll get the chance.

----------


## Suzi

Will you get time tomorrow love? Can you make time?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Tomorrow is pretty busy too and Thursday. 
Friday should be better. X

----------


## Suzi

Hunni, can you make time?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I've come to bed. Going to try sleep and recharge. How is it only Tuesday???  :(think):

----------


## Suzi

Morning lovely, how are you today? Did you get any sleep? Is there anything you can put off so you can focus on processing the stuff from psychology?

----------


## Paula

:Panda: . Suzis right, hunni, you need to make time to deal with psychology....

----------


## Strugglingmum

Morning all. I did sleep a bit. Only woke 2/3 times and I went back and got another half hour after I took Io to work.
I'm up, soup made, Irish stew in the slow cooker for dinner, GF loaf and muffins in the oven. Sitting having a cuppa and a bite to eat catching up with you lovely guys.
I have a festive cookery zoom class at 11:30 , then taking Cal to college and going for a swim. Will wait in the town and bring Io home from work then I am free all evening.  Io is due to help in out food bank but A says he will take her and Cal's girlfriend is bringing him home from college tonight. 
I intend to light the fire, watch telly, knit and relax.

----------


## Suzi

You've done so much already! lol 
Are you going to be kind to yourself with the swimming? 
Glad you've got a more restful time later planned!

----------


## Stella180

Rest? sounds like a busy enough day already.

----------


## Flo

Oh! that's all is it?? :(rofl): ....yeh..can't beat the old fire bit. It cheers me up no end. Have something to ask you. Were you ever a competition swimmer...you know, on a swimming team at school, or swimming Galas? My dad taught me to swim but he swam like a brick!! My daughter swam for her school and both of her kids are good swimmers...both learnt at about 3 years old. I expect your brood are good swimmers too. I love the way you're so committed to it.

----------


## OldMike

Irish stew mmmm tasty, wow you certainly enjoy your swimming.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Flo actually no!! 
I mean I learnt to swim when I was young but never really enjoyed it. 
I started swimming just over a year ago and have gradually built up my lengths. I think the relief it gives my head is where the commitment comes from. I mean I love the exercise too but it's what it does for my head that is the real reason I've kept it up.
None of my kids can swim. Believe me they had lessons galore but nope, no swimmers.  I took them to the pool from they were tiny. 
At primary school at prize giving when all the rest of their class were getting their distance badges, every year without fail mine got 'Sean's special award for effort'. 
Sean was the swimming teacher and couldn't understand a whole family of kids that couldnt swim :(rofl):

----------

Flo (26-11-20)

----------


## OldMike

My dad and sister could swim but me and mum couldn't I wonder if swimming ability is inherited, well that's my excuse  :(giggle):

----------


## Stella180

I learned to swim and have swimming badges from when I was a kid but I never enjoyed it and I’m certainly not a graceful swimmer but I can just about keep myself from drowning.

----------


## Suzi

I used to love swimming. I still do actually when I can get myself to do it (need a kick up the a*se lol)

How are you doing love? Did you manage some time out to process psychology?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I've just sat down after dinner. Can't be bothered lighting the fire so coccooned in my blanket (although tbf I'd still be in my blanket even if the fire was lit).
I'm tired. I just want to veg tonight. I dont think my brain has any processing capability this evening. The dog is curled into me and I just want to think of nothing but rubbish telly. Will lift the knitting needles though and get a bit more done. X

----------


## Stella180

That sounds like the perfect evening. Snuggled under a blanket with the pooch and some brain dead tv.

----------


## Suzi

Resting sounds like exactly what you need right now. 
Can you pace tomorrow?

----------


## Mira

That sounds like a good plan. I hope you are kind to yourself and enjoying the time. The dog wil see it as great quality time. And the dog is right  :):

----------


## Strugglingmum

Tomorrow I have my NVQ class and then a swim booked. My last swim for at least 2 weeks due to lockdown. 
probably a bit of running about  with the kids too.

----------


## Suzi

Hunni, when are you getting time to process what happened in psych? Are you swimming every day? Are you eating and drinking properly?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Didn't sleep great last night. NVQ class today and then a swim. 
I'm feeling a bit flat and exhausted today and my head is busy. 
I feel like I need to stop the world and get off. Roll on the weekend.

----------


## Suzi

Hope you get some rest today love....

----------


## Strugglingmum

Had a lovely swim today. My last for at least 2 weeks in our lockdown. I thought I was going to get a lovely sit down and Christmas movie but had to go pick Io up from work. 
Now I need to cook and I cant be bothered. I'm not even hungry which makes it worse. Going to check the freezer to see if there is anything that would do. 

I'm beginning to regret all those years of making our evening meal a family affair that we all sit down at the table for. I'm thinking it would be easier if they all just sorted themselves out. I dont really mean that I guess...... I'm just whinging

----------


## Paula

Do they cook for you?

----------


## Suzi

You aren't whinging. As we speak Hazel and Fern are in the kitchen together (there's been no screams so far!) and they are cooking dinner tonight as I don't feel up to it  :O:  Could they not cook for you love?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thankfully only 3 of us so sausage beans and chips for A, Io had chips and cheesy beans, I had a bit of leftover pie and chips. Yip the chip pan got a bashing tonight. 
I actually dont really mind cooking, its trying to think what to cook is the killer

----------


## Suzi

That sounds like a fab tea! I miss having a fryer. I keep being tempted by the air fryers, but each time I save up for one something else comes along....

----------


## Strugglingmum

A very lazy evening with a bit of knitting thrown in and a cuddly dog. Quietish day tomorrow.

----------


## Paula

Good, make the most of the rest

----------


## Suzi

I hope today is quiet and so you can rest and pace a bit too...

----------


## Strugglingmum

Good morning.  
I got Io out this morning and went back to bed. I didn't surface again till near 10am. I feel better rested. Have to take my son to work but after that I'm fairly free. May have to pick Io up from work later but planning to take everything fairly easy. May do some wrapping and Christmas sorting this afternoon

----------

Paula (27-11-20)

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you're planning on resting a bit love.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Did a load of sorting and wrapping this afternoon.  It has helped me see what I have, what I still need to get and helped to sort things in my head a bit.

----------


## Stella180

Yep the wrapping process helps me get organised too.

----------


## Paula

Theres no Christmas job I like less than present wrapping. Ive been doing some this afternoon and Im grumpy

----------


## Suzi

I normally end up doing it on one day and it's hell. This year I'm doing it bit by bit!  :):

----------


## Mira

I see everyone is wrapping presents, here we have not even asked what we are going to do for Christmas. Let alone sort the gifts.

----------


## Strugglingmum

I did a good lot of it today.
I have more of it to do. At least now I have an idea of what I still need to get. I need to get Io something but I've the boys sorted. The wider family will just have to take what they get

----------

Paula (27-11-20)

----------


## Suzi

We've said that we are only gifting to our children, anyone else might get something...

----------


## Strugglingmum

> I see everyone is wrapping presents, here we have not even asked what we are going to do for Christmas. Let alone sort the gifts.


Our shops are closed for 2 weeks now so there will be no shopping for a while. I need to do it little at a time to spread the cost over a few months.

----------


## Suzi

How are you today love? What's on your agenda?

----------


## Strugglingmum

This morning  I have been deep cleaning the lounge ready for decorating next week. Io and my eldest have helped moving furniture etc. 
Just the final hoover to do and that's it done.

----------


## Suzi

That doesn't sound like pacing to me lol

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'll not tell you I just did all the ironing too then. 
Of course I sweetened the job by watching 
Christmas Chronicles 2 on Netflix while I did it.  :):

----------


## Suzi

OO is it good?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I enjoyed it and it certainly passed the time quickly.

A and Io had gone to the town for a bit of shopping. They came back just before I finished. We had a cuppa together and then I went to sleep for a couple of hours. I'd been awake since 6am so I had hit a wall. When I woke up A had made tea. What a treat!! Feet up this evening until I need to pick my son up.

----------

Suzi (28-11-20)

----------


## Suzi

Hoorah for A making tea!

----------


## Mira

That must have been a lovely surprise  :): 

How is today going for you?

----------


## Suzi

What are you up to today?

----------


## Paula

Hello, lovely! Have you sat down today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Today is a bit of a tough one, however I sat for a few hours making Christmas cards. I was supposed to be tidying the craft room which I did a bit before starting. Its distracting, helps me be a bit creative and I need some cards to send. Also uses up some of the craft stash.

I'm a bit tired and low. 
A just realises I'm low and works away quietly in the background tidying the kitchen washing pots etc. Its so good of him but then I feel guilty that he is having to do it.

----------


## Paula

Youre a partnership, a team. Thats what marriage is. When youre struggling, its his responsibility to step up and vice versa, and no one should feel resentment, because you do it out of love for each other

----------


## Strugglingmum

I know.......its just my head. 
He loves me dearly and would do anything for me,  my head just likes to twist everything to make sure I feel rubbish...because that's what I deserve...... in my head.

----------


## Suzi

Erm, it's a partnership. Marc went out to do the shopping earlier, walked in to find me sitting on the sofa and I apologised and said "I haven't just been sat on my ar*e" and he said that he didn't care if I had! We are together and when he's feeling bad I do things he can't and visa versa. I bet if you told him what you've told us I bet he'd say the same. 

Do you know why you're having a low day?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I know it's just me and my guilt issues.

I dont know, maybe just one of those days. I haven't been sleeping well so it doesn't help. 
Psychology tomorrow morning too.

----------


## Mira

I know how those guild issues can be. The one thing I like is that you can see with me when its not needed. Like you said earlier that I did not need punishment. And I can see it with you. 

I hope you can give yourself a break. In the last 2 posts you said the same thing: I know its just my ...... 

That makes it seem like you are saying it in a trivial way. And nothing about you is trivial. And even if we know what we are thinking and feeling is not accurate. Like the guilt. Its still how you feel. And feelings have an effect if they are right or wrong, intense or mild. 

You are ok  :Panda: 

(going to stop now, feel like i am making no sense)

----------

Flo (30-11-20),Strugglingmum (29-11-20),Suzi (29-11-20)

----------


## Suzi

Guilt is a bugger. It's also not something that's going away for a while... Although I find it easier to work with "recharging" rather than being lazy? That's a huge step forwards if you can.... 
Hunni have you had chance to process what came up in psychology last week before you do this weeks? Could that be why you aren't sleeping?

----------

Strugglingmum (29-11-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thank you Mira. You are so wise. 

I have taken it as far on my own as I can Suzi. 
There is so much and my head is running all over the place so yes could well be why sleep isn't great.

----------


## Paula

Hey, love, how are you? Whats planned for today?

----------


## Suzi

Hey love, hope psychology goes well love...

----------


## Strugglingmum

Doh!!!! Waiting for my psychologist to phone and then realised it was Tuesday this week, not Monday. 

Little jobs planned for today. 
I'm skipping knit and natter group and staying home. I have to take Katie to the vet later and just cant be bothered driving up and done twice. 
There's no point going up the road if I can't swim.

----------


## Paula

Whats up with Katie?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> What’s up with Katie?


Just needs her nails clipped and a wee check up. She's a bit off her food. She seems interested in food but soon stops eating. I'm wondering if it could be dental.

----------


## Suzi

Hope it's not dental, last one of ours who had that had a massive bill - not what you need just before Christmas! 
Are you being kind to you today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Tbh I think she is just being a fussy beggar but she has lost a bit of weight so best to get it checked.

I have taken some stuff to the dump, got dinner in the slow cooker and a pot of soup on. 
I'm not going to knit and natter group but I am going to sit down and knit for a couple of hours. I need to do some work on A's jumper.

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you're going to sit! You're always so busy!

----------


## Flo

Wish I was getting on as well as you with the cardi I'm knitting...Ian took Fluff puss to vet yesterday. She's old and her teeth aren't great. Vet looked in her mouth and gave her the once over...5 minutes £45! In Scotland 4 yrs ago she had 3 teeth out under anaesthetic...something in the region of £200+!! but we're a nation of pet lovers and we love her to bits and wouldn't let her suffer. Good that you're getting some chilling time in. Good girl.

----------


## Paula

How was Katies check up?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Morning all. 
Katie got her lovely manicure done and apparently was a very good girl. Clean bill of health so as I guessed,  just being a fussy eater. Didn't stop her raiding the kitchen bin overnight! 

Just waiting for psychology appointment and then I think Katie and I will head to the beach for a walk. I want to make time to relax and process after my session this week. 

We had a gorgeous sunrise this morning.  Its bitter cold but bright and dry. I think a good stomp about will do me good. I'm really missing my swim.

----------


## Suzi

Hoorah for a manicure and a clean bill of health! 
I'm so glad you're making time to process your session today. I'm wondering if that was part of what caused more struggling last week itms? 
I'm sorry you're missing your swim. Is there anything else you could do? What about swimming in the sea? Wetsuit? Lol

----------


## Paula

Im so glad youre prioritising space after your session. And heading to the beach sounds perfect  :):

----------


## Mira

Sounds like a great idea, the weather is the same here. I bet the beach would be great. The wind and cold can have a good impact. I hope the appointment goes well.

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing love?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Had a very peaceful time at the beach with the dog. We walked for ages and calmed my head a bit. 
Spent the rest of the day pottering quietly and just doing some stuff at home.

----------


## Mira

I am glad you had a peaceful time at the beach. Thats what the beach is for. And I hope you are kind to yourself.

----------


## Paula

Sounds heavenly  :):

----------


## Suzi

It really does!

----------


## Strugglingmum

2nd load of washing in and a zoom class and I've hit saturation point for the day. 
I'm retreating to the sofa with my blanket to try and gather myself together to cook dinner later. 
I phoned A to go pick Io up from work this evening...... I just dont have it in me. I need to go out at some point to get a bag of frozen chips because even sausage and chips feels beyond me right now. 
Going to try a cup of tea and a Christmas movie.

----------


## Paula

Sounds like a good plan to me  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you're listening to your body love.

----------


## Strugglingmum

It was confirmed last night that our current lockdown should end as planned next Thursday midnight.
I have my first swim booked for Friday already. 
A is taking Tuesday off work so we can go somewhere for a walk together and take a flask of tea etc. Just to try lift my mood a bit.

----------

Flo (05-12-20)

----------


## Angie

Aww bless him taking the day off how about a picnic if you can find somewhere that would give you shelter if needs be. x

----------

Strugglingmum (04-12-20)

----------


## Paula

:(party):

----------


## Suzi

That's lovely of him!

----------


## OldMike

That's good and I know how you enjoy your swimming.

----------


## Strugglingmum

I think this is our first year ever that A has had to be the one to say, it's time to put the decs up. I'm normally jumping to get them up asap.
However, it's taken me all day but the house is Christmasfied.

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo for Christmasfication!

----------


## Mira

Thats great, and how are you doing today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm doing ok thanks Mira. Plodding on.

----------


## Paula

What are you up to today?

----------


## Suzi

That sounds more like dragging.... You don't sound at all happy....

----------


## Mira

Yes, it does not sound all that good.

----------


## Strugglingmum

I hit the beach this morning with the dog. A and Io came too. It was sunny but cold, perfect for walking. 
I'm ok. The past month or so has been very tough mentally, I guess sometimes it just spills over. 
So what's everyone up to today? I have to bath the dog, anyone want to swap?

----------


## Knowle

Good for you in getting out for some fresh air - exercise is so beneficial for your mental health as well as other numerous health benefits. Your dog will love you for taking it out for a walk.

I am sorry to hear the last month has been tough for you mentally - I hope this coming month is better.

----------


## Stella180

I am unfortunate enough to have had the opportunity of bathing a German Shepherd and its not a one man job. I hope you have help

----------


## Strugglingmum

Jobs done, she is very good. I use the shower, so much easier on her and me. She loves getting a blow-dry too.
Now I just need to clean the shower!!  :@:

----------


## Stella180

Well done. My Max was a 40kg wuss who hated bath time. Sounds like your girl is much better behaved. I used to end up wetter than the dog lol

----------


## Jaquaia

We went into Beverley so the kids could get Christmas cards. J had to explain to A about how it wasn't appropriate to get me a card saying "To my sexy wife"  :(rofl):

----------


## Strugglingmum

> We went into Beverley so the kids could get Christmas cards. J had to explain to A about how it wasn't appropriate to get me a card saying "To my sexy wife"


 :(rofl): 
love it. Not his year anyway :O:

----------


## Suzi

When we last did ours we did them in the wet room with Marc "showering them" and yet both of us were soaking wet too!

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh it was A who wanted to get that from her! She just saw the unicorn! Apparently the woman in the shop found it hilarious!

----------

Strugglingmum (06-12-20),Suzi (06-12-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

That's brilliant!! Hopefully she found another unicorn alternative  :(giggle):

----------


## Paula

Greyhounds hardly ever need a bath, thankfully. Partly because their legs are so long all mud and gunk misses them  :O:

----------


## Strugglingmum

Morning all. 
Psychology appointment over for another week. Have arranged a face to face for next week to do some intense work. 
Its bright and sunny here but cold. Definitely hat and gloves weather. 
Knit and natter group today. I need a kick up the bum to get some stuff done first. I couldn't believe when the alarm went this morning it was morning time.
I'm glad A gave me the kick to put the decs up over the weekend. It does put a bit of cheer round the place

----------


## Suzi

How did the appointment go? 
Are you going to have time to stop and process it?

----------


## Strugglingmum

It was ok. I'm working on it but I'm tired now. 
I had a bad flashback this afternoon and its dropped my mood a bit but I'm with my lovely family now so it will ok.

----------


## Paula

So, pace day tomorrow? I know youre a busy person, and that helps you normally, but maybe you can do things that only focus on making you feel good tomorrow?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Tomorrow A is taking the day off to take me out for a walk and picnic somewhere so yes a bit of care and relaxing after sorting the kids out

----------


## Suzi

Are you OK? Flashbacks are horrible... I'm glad A is taking the day off to do something lovely with you.

----------

Strugglingmum (07-12-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Flashbacks are part of every day life for me. I hate it and it sucks all the life out of me but I have to get on with it. I especially hate when it happens in front of people, you have the trauma of the flashback plus the embarrassment of having it. But I am getting more used to it and coping better after them.

----------


## Paula

Youre awesome  :):

----------


## Mira

I am glad you are with your family now and how lovely of A to do that. Having them behind you is a great thing. I hope you are feeling a bit better now  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

> Flashbacks are part of every day life for me. I hate it and it sucks all the life out of me but I have to get on with it. I especially hate when it happens in front of people, you have the trauma of the flashback plus the embarrassment of having it. But I am getting more used to it and coping better after them.


I've been there.... It's horrible, but it does get better....

----------


## Strugglingmum

I feel in an absolute pit tonight and I have no idea why. I came to bed but no sleep and no sign of any being near. Even the dog couldn't lift my mood tonight.

----------


## Stella180

I hate that. At least if you have a reason you can find a way out of it. You much feel as if puppy cuddles don’t fix it.

----------


## Mira

:Panda:

----------


## Paula

Did you get any sleep? Are you ok?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I did get some sleep but I had a nightmare and I've woken up with a bad headache. A brought me a cuppa and painkillers to bed before he went out bless him. I'm still in bed, head is easing but I have no motivation to move. I feel anxious,  aggitated and feel like I want to cry, but cant. I dont know what is wrong with me. Sun is shining,  I should be up and moving, I have so much to do and I'm lying here like a big useless lump hiding from the world.

----------


## Paula

Nope. Youre taking a duvet day because you need it and youre listening to your body. The chores can wait

----------


## Angie

Agree with Paula hunni,

----------


## Jaquaia

Yep! She's right. What about an easy day on the sofa with some knitting and Christmas films?

----------


## Suzi

Nightmares are awful and can really affect you for days after. Especially bad ones. Be kind to you. If that's staying in bed a little while, then do so.

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm up. I've tidied the kitchen and hoovered the floors. Big son is mopping the hall and kitchen for me now.
I've got a sandwich and a glass of water so fed and watered too.

----------


## Stella180

You’re doing a lot better than me today.

----------


## Flo

Glad you're up and running. There's nothing worse than trying to sleep....the more you try the worse it is! That was me the other night. Came downstairs at insomnia o'clock and made a mug of hot choc and stared into space for half an hour then got back to bed...think I got 4 hours in total which I suppose isn't that bad but I can't function that well then like you have a headache. Hope you feel a bit better now sweetie. Don't forget the blankie and and the ubiquitous christmas movies!...I think I've seen all of them. The fake snow irritates the wotnot out of me! Then they soak the pavements so it looks like the snow has melted...yawwnnn....I've got two recorded so maybe I haven't seen them...bet I have though! :S:

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing love?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I couldn't settle to a movie today. I have literally sat wrapped in a cocoon and done nothing all afternoon.  What a waste. 
A is going to get a takeaway for tea as I can't be bothered cooking and it's just him and me. Will try some knitting later if i can. Sorry for being a wet blanket today

----------


## Paula

Youre not! And it really is ok to have a day recharging, especially as youre always so busy. You know youd say it to any one of us....

----------

Angie (12-12-20)

----------


## Suzi

Definitely not a wet blanket and definitely not a waste. Sometimes it's what you need to do...

----------


## Strugglingmum

Finally managed to pick up the knitting needles just before midnight. It has helped calm my thoughts a bit. Hopefully I can get a bit of sleep now.

----------


## Jaquaia

You were up really late. Hope you manage some sleep  :Panda:

----------


## Flo

You're up early Jaq.....there must be something in the water!

----------


## Jaquaia

J is on days so been awake since his alarm went off at half 5

----------


## Strugglingmum

> You were up really late. Hope you manage some sleep


Thanks, I got a few hours. Actually contemplating that I'm going to have to frog most of what I knit last night. Will check how it looks in the cold light of day. This is why I stopped knitting when I first took ill, too many mistakes ..

----------


## Flo

> J is on days so been awake since his alarm went off at half 5


Ahhhh...no lie in for you then..




> Thanks, I got a few hours. Actually contemplating that I'm going to have to frog most of what I knit last night. Will check how it looks in the cold light of day. This is why I stopped knitting when I first took ill, too many mistakes ..


 Glad you got a few hours sleep....now I feel guilty because you're knitting and I'm not. I'd better get mine out too! Have a better day.

----------


## Suzi

Have you had to frog? I hate it when that happens... 

What's on your agenda today?

----------


## Paula

Frog?

----------


## Stella180

Undo all your previous work Paula.

----------


## Paula

Ah, thanks

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Have you had to frog? I hate it when that happens... 
> 
> What's on your agenda today?


Didn't have to frog thankfully. 
So far I've done nothing. There is torrential rain here. I have a swim booked but dont think I'll go.

----------


## Suzi

Why go swimming if you can just stand outside and get wet?  :(rofl):   :(rofl): 

Hooray for no frogging!

----------


## Strugglingmum

The rain stopped so I went swimming.

----------


## Suzi

Did it help?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Um a little bit.  X

----------


## Suzi

I'm worried about you.... Are you talking to A about how you are feeling?

----------


## Paula

Only a little bit? Thats not like you ....

----------


## Strugglingmum

Just had a 2hr nap. I really needed some nightmare free sleep.
Yes A and I are talking. We have a lot on our plates at the moment. 
Just had to order a new fridge. 12 sleeps before Christmas and I have to get a new fridge ffs.

----------


## Suzi

Oh no! I hate it when things like that happen... Do you want to talk about what's going on?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Oh no! I hate it when things like that happen... Do you want to talk about what's going on?


Tbh it's a lot of different stuff which is just very overwhelming for me at the moment. 

My PTSD symptoms are really bad at the moment and I'm exhausted but not sleeping great. Hyper vigilance has me jumpy and anxious and it's all a vicious circle with nightmares and flashbacks.
Finances this year with A being on reduced pay for months is taking its toll on things.
Stuff going on in the kids lives which means they are looking for a lot of tea and sympathy which is draining my already empty cup but they are my kids and I want them to come to me but I'm ashamed to say, quite often my heart sinks as they approach.  
Its Christmas and it's not a good time for me and the list just seems to go on and just listing it all sends my anxiety soaring.

----------


## Suzi

Are you talking to A and telling him how you are feeling? 

PTSD - Are you able to use techniques and safe coping strategies? Are you talking to your psychologist about it? Hypervigilance sucks. I know those symptoms from Marc and I know ho debilitating it can be. Can you bring things in closer for a little while to help combat those thoughts? 

Finances - Are you OK for essentials? Do you need to do things like call utility companies etc and arrange payment plans for example? Need foodbanks? 

Kids - What's going on? Anything we can help with you unburdening a bit? I know it helps me to get other's to share the load or look at things differently...

Christmas - I know there have been issues in the past, but lovely can you try to build new happier traditions at home this year with just you and yours? Covid is something positive in that respect....

----------

Flo (14-12-20),Strugglingmum (14-12-20)

----------


## Flo

We're all here to support you in any way we can. With regard to utilities....if you give them a ring and explain that things are a bit difficult
financially at the moment they'll work with you and like suzi says they'll arrange a plan. It's when people ignore the bills that they get shirty. In my last marriage my husband was a crofter and we got into terrible difficulties at one stage but the oil/electric/council tax etc., was sorted with a phonecall to each company. As for the children, it's proof that you are great parents when they come to you with a problem, but it really can be draining on mental resources. My son is 39 and it seems that the only time he rings for a chat is when he needs 'an ear'. I'm like a bloody therapist! But I'd be hurt if I felt he couldn't come to me. My daughter of 43 rings when she's had a fall out with her partner...I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it!! She can't tell her best friend because she's Zoe's partner's sister! So I get an earful instead! :(rofl):  As mums we're psychologists, nurses, head cook and bottle washer, laundramat, agony aunt, and last but not least, the pillars that hold the family together....we're bloody amazing! BUT, you sound as if you have a really supportive and loving family which is probably down to you and your hubby, so it's ok to take time out for you. It's ok to have a wobble..we're entitled to wobble....we're spiritual beings trying to be human and it's hard at times. :Panda:

----------

Angie (14-12-20),Jaquaia (14-12-20),Paula (14-12-20),Strugglingmum (14-12-20),Suzi (14-12-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I love that Flo, thank you.x

----------


## Flo

Wouldn't it be nice if we could all have a cuddle? xx

----------


## Flo

How are you feeling sweetheart?

----------


## Suzi

I was wondering the same thing.... How are things love?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm ok thanks.

----------


## Paula

Not sure I believe you....

----------


## Suzi

Are you really OK? Or are you "I'm fining?"

----------


## Strugglingmum

Probably a bit of both to be honest. I'm tired. Think I'll head to bed soon. It's been a long day and I just need to cocoon for a while.

----------


## Suzi

That's fair enough... Much love hunni... Here when you're ready x

----------


## Paula

How are you doing this morning?

----------


## Flo

^^^ what Paula said.xxx

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm okish. Thanks for asking. I've been for a swim and did a couple of errands. My house is a tip, I really need to sort it this weekend. Our new fridge is arriving tomorrow so no more black tea/coffee. :(party): 
A and I are hoping to attend a socially distanced carol service tomorrow night. I haven't been to church since lockdown so I'm anxious about it, not Covid, just being there. I'm hoping it will lift my spirits a bit and maybe instill some Christmas cheer. I'm hoping it will be nice to see some familiar faces and hopefully be able to say hello to some folk.

----------


## Paula

Erm, I hope when you say I really need to sort it you mean, all of you need to sort it?

Carol service sounds great and, if its a struggle, you can always leave....

----------


## Suzi

I love a good Carol service! I hope it's wonderful for you, but as Paula says, if it's too much then leave... 

I also hope it means that others will be helping you sort the house. I'm dragging my kids to help me with mine too  :O:

----------


## Stella180

Hey Suzi, when your kids are done with your house do you wanna send them up to help with mine? Lol

----------


## magie06

Even Ais has helped tidy my house up today.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Yes I will have some help to tidy up. But tonight the feet are up and I'm knitting....although I will be glad to see the back of this jumper!!
I bought some yarn today (because I'm down to just a few crateloads) :P:  to see me through our 6 week lockdown

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo I love squishy shopping!

----------


## Paula

Im doing a blanket with the most enormous knitting needles! Its coming on really quickly  :(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

I wish the one I did had! I thought it was never going to end! New mummy loved it though!

----------


## Suzi

How are you love?

----------


## Flo

Hellooooo! how's the jumper coming along? BTW..really glad you're back swimming and enjoying it.

----------


## Strugglingmum

> How are you love?


I'm doing ok. Busy tidying.  New fridge arrived 2 hours earlier than what Currys had said so wasnt ready for it but sure better to have it early than late. 




> Hellooooo! how's the jumper coming along? BTW..really glad you're back swimming and enjoying it.


Sick looking at the jumper but cautiously optimistic that it may be finished on time if I keep at it as much as I can. 
Not swimming today but will be swimming every day till Christmas Eve as we enter 6 weeks lockdown on boxing day so everywhere closed, I'll have to find another outlet.

----------


## Flo

I know what you mean about being sick of looking at the knitting, but it sounds as if you're nearing the last hurdle...I've been 'looking' at my knitting for days.....just looking..yawwnnn! do you like drawing?

----------


## Suzi

Are we going to get a picture of the jumper? 
What else could you do rather than swimming? Wetsuit and the sea?  :(rofl):   :(rofl):

----------


## Strugglingmum

:(rofl):  I actually have a wetsuit but the sea ain't happening at this time of year......remember I'm much further north than you!

----------


## Flo

Talking about the sea...talking to Zoe on the phone yesterday and when she took the dog for a walk on the beach - NW Highlands! - there was a woman in the sea with a bikini on and just a swimming hat! Not for me....yes SM a pic of the sweater!

----------


## Strugglingmum

We were able to attend a Carol service last night. First time I've been in church since March. 
It was lovely to hear all the carols and see a few familiar faces. My anxiety was through the roof but I managed to stay for the hour.

----------


## Paula

Thats awesome! Well done, lovely  :):

----------


## Suzi

Well done love! Did you feel a bit more reconnected with your Church?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Well done love! Did you feel a bit more reconnected with your Church?


It was nice to be there with everyone. 

Yesterday I met up with my siblings and exchanged gifts. We met up in a forest park and each brought a cuppa and had a chat. My sister was very upset about the new lockdown etc and we all felt really guilty that she is bubbled on her own with father etc. I ended up inviting her down for a couple of hours on Christmas eve to be with us. I went for a swim after, came home, cooked dinner and fell asleep, I was completely exhausted.  
Had my last psychology appointment this morning for a couple of weeks. Busy day ahead out running errands but fitting in a swim too.

----------


## Paula

How was psychology?

----------


## Suzi

Sounds busy! How do you feel about your sister coming to yours? 

How was the psychology? Do you have crisis support over Christmas if you need it?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Psychology today was fine. It was more just touching base before the holidays. 
I've been and done the shopping bar a couple of fresh things I can get locally Christmas eve.
I dont plan on doing too much more, although I have a huge pile of ironing.......

Earlier I put on a load of washing. Managed to put the detergent in the softener compartment and the softener in the detergent drawer. I started it anyway....I couldnt even begin to fathom how to swap them over. Guess what, the clothes are clean, and it's our little secret why they aren't as soft as they could be.  :O: 
My head is just not up to power today at all, well that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like you're being really busy. Ignore the ironing. Are you giving yourself time to process what you've been doing in psychology and how you are feeling?

----------


## Flo

I'm glad you got to see your siblings and go to the carol service..something different to concentrate on besides your therapy - yes, that's important too but it is exhausting and you have a lot going on in your lovely head at the moment. One word in your post I had to look up though.....what's 'ironing'??....I'm not familiar with that word! :(giggle): ....Hey, try and get in some chill time today sweetheart.xx

----------


## Suzi

Hey love, how are you today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

A sent me to bed last night at 9:30 as I was dozing on the sofa. I slept through till after 5am. 
So I have the huge pile of ironing done and now I'm going to cook and bake. I'm still a bit tired but after queuing for Asda yesterday and doing the shopping I think it's more mental than physical itms.
I'm definitely feeling a bit more in the holiday mood now all the difficult stuff is over and I can just enjoy A and the kids. Watched Elf last night with Io after tea and it was nice to laugh with her...........still that damn jumper to finish though!!!

----------


## Paula

I love Elf!

----------


## Jaquaia

We watched Elf too!

----------


## Suzi

I love Elf too!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Decided to book a last minute swim for today. 
This morning I have done the ironing...the pile was huge!
I've made soup, crustless quiche, baked shortbread and a batch of brownies. 
I deserve a swim I think.....oh and also racked up a few more rows off the jumper!

----------


## Suzi

Wow you've been so busy! Can you pace this afternoon?

----------


## Angie

Your recipes sounds scrummy 
Hope your resting now xx

----------


## Strugglingmum

Feet up and getting the knitting going

----------


## Angie

Good x

----------


## Suzi

Good for you lovely!

----------


## Stella180

How is the jumper coming along?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Pleased to say 'the damn jumper' just needs sewn up and the neckband knit. Should be done in time if I get a run at it.

----------


## Stella180

You timed it perfectly then. Just have an image of A standing at the wardrobe wondering what to where and you saying “why don’t you wear that damn jumper”  :P:

----------


## Flo

The 'knitathon' finish is in sight....he's a lucky guy!

----------


## Strugglingmum

> You timed it perfectly then. Just have an image of A standing at the wardrobe wondering what to where and you saying “why don’t you wear that damn jumper”


 :(rofl):  you've seen what goes on in our bedroom then!!

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  How are you feeling today love?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm grand. 
Got the neckband half done before I had to bring C to work. Had to fly round Tesco's for some last minute stuff. Waiting on my swim slot, my last swim for at least 6 weeks, then nipping to see a chum whose time has finished at the training centre.  Taking her some home baked stuff and just to day hi cause she was really upset to have to leave so just want to cheer her up a bit. She lives alone. Home for teatime hopefully.

----------


## Stella180

Awww, that’s a kind thing to do for your friend. I’m sure they will love your baked treats.

----------


## Suzi

You're so kind lovely! Enjoy your swim!

----------


## Paula

Thats so lovely of you

----------


## Flo

Awww... that's a lovely thought. She'll love home baking. Hope you enjoyed your swim.xx

----------


## Strugglingmum

I think I'm going to die. A mouse just ran across the living room floor. I'm terrified,  home alone with 2 sleeping animals that dont care. I'm frozen to the seat. My daughter and husband are laughing down the phone at me. 
Spiders I can do, mice i hate.  :=(:

----------


## Suzi

OMG! I feel for you! Are they coming back to rescue you?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Dan has come home. He saw it but has lost it again. At least the animals are awake now

----------


## Stella180

I remember getting an emergency call from a friend why needed rescuing from a mouse a few years ago. That was a fun experience.

----------


## Suzi

Oh no! Have you found it? Got a humane trap?

----------


## Strugglingmum

No not found it but A is now home. I swear it smells my fear.

----------


## Suzi

My MIL is petrified of them. Some peanut butter in a humane trap and take it far away!!!

----------

Stella180 (24-12-20)

----------


## Stella180

Yep anything sweet will get them into the trap. Chocolate is a good one for getting their attention.

----------


## Paula

Has the m been rehomed?

----------


## Suzi

How are you love? Moved out into a hotel yet?

----------


## Strugglingmum

The unwanted guest has been removed!!!!!!
Early morning run to the shop for traps and run C to the town for work. 
This morning has been busy.
Baked sponge for trifle and trifle made.
Steaming the syrup sponge pudding as we speak
Pastry made for mince pies, stuffing made.
Now just need to clean and tidy...  oh and get a shower or Santa might not want to come in to our house.
I also need an hour of peace to finish sewing up TDJ. :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

Omg you've done SOOOO much! Glad the unwanted guest has gone!

----------


## Flo

You sound like your employing Edward Scissorhands!!......wish I was having sponge pud!....Hmmm....I wonder...*thinks sponge puds*....
anyway sweetheart, if we don't talk again tonight, have a lovely Christmas day and enjoy your family.xx

----------


## Strugglingmum

3 inches left to sew up of the jumper and it's done.  
All the baking done, the house is as clean as it needs to be and I'm clean. 
Happy Christmas everyone, whatever it looks like. 
Its different for us all this year, it may not be what we want it to be but please be kind to yourselves,  if you are on your own....spoil yourself, you are worth it, we all are. 
We all have a worth in this world and none of you forget that. 
Every single one of you have written something on this forum that has helped me, encouraged me, made me laugh or kept me safe. You are needed and wanted no matter what your head says over the next few days. 
Huge hugs and much love to all. Xxx

----------

Angie (24-12-20),Flo (24-12-20),Knowle (24-12-20),magie06 (24-12-20),Paula (24-12-20),Suzi (24-12-20)

----------


## Knowle

A very happy Christmas to you too xx

----------

Strugglingmum (24-12-20)

----------


## Paula

Thank you SM, and happy Christmas

----------

Strugglingmum (24-12-20)

----------


## Suzi

Sending very much love from my household to yours. Merry Christmas lovely.

----------

Strugglingmum (24-12-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

A very happy Christmas to you and yours  :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (25-12-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

How's everyone 's day going.
I'm just awake from a food coma. 5 mile walk with Katie before dinner, had dinner, tidied up and went unconscious.....that's what I get for being awake at 6am. 
Hope all your day's are passing ok. If it's been tough, remember it's just another day, tomorrow is coming and you're almost through it. I have found I enjoy Christmas so much better since I learnt that it doesn't have to be perfect and neither do I.

----------

Suzi (26-12-20)

----------


## Paula

I was up at 5am, God only knows why ....

----------


## Jaquaia

Excitement over Santa?  :O:

----------


## Paula

Still adjusting to the mask  :O:

----------


## Strugglingmum

Morning everyone.  Have a nice boxing day. 
Lockdown from today for 6 weeks here. Hoping to take it easy today but go for a walk at some point too.....that's if Katie has recovered from yesterday's.
Also going to lift the crochet hook, it's been so long since I did any crochet.....I've been too busy knitting TDJ.  :(giggle):

----------


## Jaquaia

But was it worth the effort?

----------


## Paula

> But was it worth the effort?


Yeap..

What do you find easier, SM? what do you prefer? Knitting or crochet?

----------


## Suzi

Bet he was blown away by TDJ! 
You are so right about not needing to be perfect for Christmas, means you enjoy it so much more!

----------


## Jaquaia

Being perfect is overrated. It just means a lot of unnecessary stress.

----------


## Strugglingmum

So A loves his jumper. The fit is pretty good. 
I like both knitting and crochet but like to have a bit of both on the go so I can choose. Obviously I haven't been able to choose for a while so looking forward to a bit of crochet. 
I slept a couple of hours this afternoon too. Feeling ridiculously lazy but in a good restful way, not a beat myself up way.

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo! So glad that he loved it! Well done on getting the fit right! 
I'm proud of you for not beating yourself up love. I'm proud you put your needs first and went for a nap.

----------


## Flo

You deserve to chill out after knitting the jumper...glad he loved it. It was well worth the time and effort. X

----------


## OldMike

Woo hoo a freshly knitted jumper what could be better  :):

----------


## Suzi

How are you love?

----------


## Jaquaia

The big question is have you told him the name of the jumper?  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):   :(rofl):

----------


## Strugglingmum

Today I'm fighting the slump a bit. 
I did church online, Io has gone out to church so I think the plan is for her and I to take Katie to the beach this afternoon for a walk. Hopefully some fresh air will help give me a lift. Also need the exercise to burn off some of the crazy

----------


## Suzi

Sorry you're struggling today. Going for a walk on the beach sounds like a perfect idea.  :(bear):   :(bear):

----------


## Strugglingmum

Had a lovely cold breezy walk on the beach. Lots of people out walking but very easy to be far far apart. Definitely gave me a wee lift. X

----------


## Paula

The cobwebs blown away? Well done for going, lovely  :):

----------


## Suzi

Well done for getting out and about lovely.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Bit of a story......
Before I took ill 5 years ago  I had started knitting myself a very intricate Aran sweater. It had so many cables and twists and weaves in it but I loved the look of it and the pattern was probably the most complicated Aran I had attempted.  Each row needed carefully counted, stitches woven or moved, added or decreased.  Anyone who knits gets the idea. Approx 20 minutes to complete one row. 
When I took ill it got tucked away, I couldnt concentrate long enough to complete a row, I was scared of messing it up by making mistakes. It lay in a cupboard until a few months ago. I had lost any confidence in myself to be able to do it.
 It needed the front finished, the sleeves knit, the neckband knit and all sewn up. I looked at it for a few days, trying to gather up a bit of confidence to start again. I looked at it and cried in fear and frustration at how much of me I had lost in the past years of illness. I was scared of even trying. 
BUT a friend sat with me one day at knit and natter group. I took it out of the bag, looked at it, looked at the pattern, tucked it away again and went on with another project. 
The next week at knit and natter again with a little encouragement I took it out of the bag and started to knit. 

Today folks I sewed up the last seam.  It is finished. Today I cried. I cried with pride, I cried because even though I was scared I still did it. I cried because there is a tiny mistake in the sleeve that only I know is there....and I'm ok about it. It's not perfect and I'm ok with that.

 I have changed so much in the past years of illness but I am starting to fight back. I am starting to find parts of who I was but I'm also learning to leave behind the bits of me that were harmful and made life so much harder than it needs to be. 
Today started with me in a real slump. I'm now exhausted but I am so proud of achieving something today. I have finished many sweaters in my life of knitting and crochet but there is none that has been so sweet or made me so proud as this one.

----------


## Suzi

OMG that's SO awesome. I'm in tears!! I'm so proud of you! Can we see pics?

----------


## Jaquaia

Would love to see pics!

----------


## Strugglingmum

I dont have a place to share the photos from. 
I think I may have an old Insta account, I'll see if I can get back into it and share from there.

----------


## Suzi

That'd be cool, unless you're sharing it on FB and you can share it with us from there?

----------


## Paula

WOW! Thats an incredible post!  :):  :):  :):

----------


## Flo

Wow sweetheart, what an achievement!! You have every right to be proud of yourself. You may have lost some of the old parts of you due to illness, but because of the illness you'll have found new parts of you with incredible inner strength and confidence to deal with everything that each day brings. This is the ironic part of our illness. We come out the other side different people with different views on life. If we can battle depression we can see our way through virtually anything! Well done you! :(nod):

----------

OldMike (29-12-20),Paula (28-12-20),Strugglingmum (28-12-20),Suzi (28-12-20)

----------


## Suzi

How are you today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

A bit of a slump today.

----------


## Suzi

Want to talk about it?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I've had a lot of flashbacks, I want to swim them away but cant. 1st world problem, I know. 
I'm still in my dressing gown and have done nothing all day so I know I'm not helping myself either. 
Going to try pick up my crochet hook if I can. 
Hoping to climb a mountain tomorrow

----------


## Mira

I read something in this post that made me sad. That is where you said 1st world problem. I feel you are bringing the value it has on you down and not just that but also yourself. 

I believe that its awesome that you have found something that can help you. And in so many ways. The way I have gotten to know you I would open up a whole pool just for you if I had that ability. First world problem? You are so kind to others. Never selfish and always give your best. 

The whole world is better with having you in it. I mean this.

----------

Flo (28-12-20),Strugglingmum (28-12-20),Suzi (28-12-20)

----------


## Paula

Couldnt agree with Mira more

----------


## Suzi

I agree, he is right! 

Sweetheart, are certain things triggering the flashbacks or the time of year or something different?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thanks Mira. You are always so kind. 
I've picked up my crochet hook so that is helping. 
I'm also going hiking tomorrow.  We are climbing Slieve Donard. Lots of fresh air and exercise (legs will be killing me)
I'm going with my daughter and my eldest son. It's a while since we hiked together..... lockdown is good for something.

----------


## Knowle

Exercise is so beneficial for the mind and fresh air is also very good for you - good for you for planning something so beneficial. Spending time with your daughter and son also sounds good.

Don't feel too bad for not doing much today - when you are down even getting dressed can seem too overwhelming.

Take care of yourself xx

----------


## Suzi

That sounds like lots of fun tomorrow! Are you taking a picnic and something to take photos with?

----------


## Paula

Sounds like my idea of hell (too many holidays in the Lake District as a teenager) but Im sure youll love it  :O: . Have fun, lovely

----------


## Strugglingmum

Off to climb a mountain

----------


## Stella180

Normal Tuesday morning activity. Can’t wait to see your Fab 5s this week lol

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're enjoying hiking!  :):

----------


## Knowle

I hope you have a lovely time today.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Had a lovely day. It was cold and snow on top third of the mountain but worse was the ice on the way up. Really slippy. Also a cutting wind. The weather closed in on us before the last ridge so no views from the top but walking in a cloud is the most bizarre experience.
I'm really not doing a good job of selling this to you  :(giggle):  but honestly I really enjoyed getting out and hiking, especially with my son and daughter.
Home, hot shower, jammies on and ordering some food in I think.

----------

Stella180 (29-12-20)

----------


## Stella180

Walking in the clouds sounds wonderful.

----------


## Paula

Sounds magical except from the snow, and ice, and cold  :(rofl): . Glad you had a good time  :):

----------


## Flo

Glad you had a nice day at Everest base camp!!!! :(:

----------


## Suzi

That sounds awesome!

----------


## Strugglingmum

My calves are screaming at me today but was so worth it for the day out yesterday. 
I also got notification that my PIP has been renewed until 2023. A big weight off my mind!!

----------

Stella180 (30-12-20)

----------


## Paula

Thats fab news!

----------


## Stella180

That’s great news. I’ve got a few weeks to wait til I get news. I got a 5 year award last time but not feeling confident about my chances this time out.

----------


## Suzi

So pleased for you! That's such a brilliant piece of news!

----------


## Jaquaia

Brilliant!!!

----------


## Flo

That's great news!

----------


## Knowle

Fantastic news!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thanks everyone. It has definitely helped ease some of the anxiety that has been bubbling away under the surface.

----------


## Suzi

Have you had a good day love?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I've had a gentle day thanks. My leg muscles are protesting (loudly) after my hike yesterday. Going up and down stairs is...interesting :(giggle): 
Mostly laundry,  some shopping and crochet.

----------


## Paula

Another quiet day today, then?

----------


## Suzi

Are you pacing today?

----------


## OldMike

> I've had a gentle day thanks. My leg muscles are protesting (loudly) after my hike yesterday. Going up and down stairs is...interesting
> Mostly laundry,  some shopping and crochet.


I get that most days my legs aren't as supple as they used to be, enjoy your crochet SMum.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Ironing pile completed! Need to run to the dump with some rubbish. Otherwise just some housework to do but rather slowly as my legs are still complaining.  Might try some yoga later to stretch

----------


## Suzi

Did you get to the yoga? Might be a good thing to put you first....

----------


## Strugglingmum

Was up early to take my son to work so ran into Asda for some fresh fruit and veg. Thankfully there were very few about at that time. Have done lots of wee jobs around the house but also put my feet up to crochet for a while. Have had a wee run of orders over the New Year which is brill. Took the decorations down as well. All down apart from the tree....that's tomorrow's job. 
Planning a walk in the morning as I need to get my step count up and need some fresh air.

----------


## Suzi

Are you trying to keep busy to stop thoughts that you are having? None of that sounds like doing anything FOR YOU....

----------


## Strugglingmum

It all needs done and getting it done helps me if you know what I mean. 
Walking tomorrow is for me. I need to move and I need to breathe and relax. Io and I will take Katie to the beach and that is a happy place to be. 
But yes you know me well, keeping busy is a way of coping for me.

----------


## Suzi

Then cope with time to process things as you go love.

----------


## Mira

Its been a few days, how have you been?

----------


## Suzi

I was wondering the same...

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm doing ok thanks Mira and Suzi. Xxx
Just being wife and mum and trying to do me stuff too. Trying to get my head balanced without swimming is hard but I took my bike our today for the first time in ages. I didn't go far but it helped to be doing something.

----------


## Flo

You're so energetic SM...I love how you do all these activities. I haven't ridden a bike for yonks..mainly because my balance is rubbish these days and I can only turn right! If I turn left I fall off!! :(rofl): ....you must be fit as a flea.xxx

----------


## Paula

Well at least youll always end up where you started Flo  :(rofl): 

Whats your head doing to you, love?

----------


## magie06

I would love to see a picture of your Aran. I love doing all those different stitches. I haven't done an Aran in years. I might get a few patterns out - when I've finished the 5ish projects I'm working on atm.

----------


## Suzi

Your jumper is amazing! You're fantastic!!

Well done for taking the bike out. I know it's not the same, but it's good you're finding other ways to work on things...

----------


## Jaquaia

The jumper is stunning! Gorgeous jumper for a gorgeous lady!

----------


## Strugglingmum

> You're so energetic SM...I love how you do all these activities. I haven't ridden a bike for yonks..mainly because my balance is rubbish these days and I can only turn right! If I turn left I fall off!!....you must be fit as a flea.xxx



Hmmm..... if you'd seen me last week when I came off the mountain you would realise I'm not as fit as I'd like!!  I definitely felt my age for a few days :(rofl): 




> Well at least youll always end up where you started Flo 
> 
> Whats your head doing to you, love?


You know me, I just need to distract and keep busy not to be dragged under by the flashbacks. Being active helps to clear my head after them. I miss the soothing effect of the swimming pool and its showing in the amount and depth of the flashbacks. 




> I would love to see a picture of your Aran. I love doing all those different stitches. I haven't done an Aran in years. I might get a few patterns out - when I've finished the 5ish projects I'm working on atm.


It definitely keeps the mind busy. I'll have a go at sharing from social media if I can. 




> Your jumper is amazing! You're fantastic!!
> 
> Well done for taking the bike out. I know it's not the same, but it's good you're finding other ways to work on things...


Thank you. Just wearing it makes me feel a sense of achievement.

I have to try..... the alternative is not pretty.

----------


## Suzi

I'm really proud of you. You're fighting so hard. That is so awesome.

----------

Flo (06-01-21),Strugglingmum (05-01-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> The jumper is stunning! Gorgeous jumper for a gorgeous lady!


Thanks Jaq.

----------


## Mira

There are so many times I look at you for inspiration. The way I see it your name should be next to so many positive words in the Dictionary.

I know many of us here have trouble believing the super nice things people say. I am one of them. But I want to say them anyway. 

If I had one wish it would be for all of us to have no mental health issues anymore and be at peace with ourselfs. 
Knowing that I am still glad there are places like dwd where by sharing our struggles and our succes moments we have the ability to help and inspire. To motivate and comfort others by just being who we are. 

That is what you are to me. And I want to thank you for that. 

Thank you.

----------

Flo (06-01-21),Jaquaia (06-01-21),Paula (06-01-21),Strugglingmum (06-01-21),Suzi (06-01-21)

----------


## Flo

Where's the picture of the jumper??xx

----------


## Suzi

Morning lovely, how are you today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thank you Mira. You are kindness itself. Whenever I think of you the word kindness is always attached. 

I came back upstairs at 8am to do some yoga but lay down and went to sleep instead...not a great start to the day. 
Need to find some motivation somewhere. I'm supposed to be online at 11:30 for a zoom class.

----------


## Suzi

Hope the zoom class went well hunni...

----------


## Paula

> Where's the picture of the jumper??xx


Facebook

----------


## Flo

Oh rhubarb!....don't go on facebook! I'll imagine it instead!

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'll share when I have my laptop on... cant do it from my phone. X

----------


## Suzi

Morning lovely! How are you today?

----------


## Flo

Hi lovely lady...what's new? XX

----------


## Paula

Youre very quiet....

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm sorry I don't mean to be. Xx
I guess I dont really have much to say. I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed with day to day life so my brain is struggling to put together sentences that make sense.  When I get like this I'm so worried of saying the wrong thing or saying something the wrong way that it's easier to say little.

----------


## Mira

I dont remember you ever saying something the wrong way or something wrong at all. But if that would happen we would know what was going on and you would be showered with cuddles and affection.

----------

Strugglingmum (07-01-21)

----------


## Suzi

Do you want to talk about what you're feeling overwhelmed by?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thanks Mira. You are so kind. I always worry about hurting someone's feelings by sounding short or not interested. 

Awk Suzi it's just the usual. Living day to day with the flashbacks and the aftermath of having them and trying to live with them and not just suffer with them or just survive through them. I want to try build a life in spite of them because waiting for them to stop isn't happening. It sometimes just gets too much and my brain is overwhelmed.

----------


## Mira

I am always worried that people grow tired of me with always the same topics and worries. Eventhough I myself dont have that at all. And I dont think anyone here has that. I would like to hear more about what you are going through.
And when you say oh its just the usual I think you are down playing it. This is something that has a huge effect on you. And you are more then welcome to share it with us. And if not thats ok too. For everything there is a time and a place. And its all good. But Please be kind to yourself and dont say oh the usual. You as a person are so much more then that  :Panda:

----------

Flo (08-01-21),Suzi (08-01-21)

----------


## Paula

I hope you know how incredibly strong you are to focus on living despite the flashbacks. Dont ever underestimate that strength.

----------

Flo (08-01-21),Suzi (08-01-21)

----------


## Suzi

Are you able to work out if there are any triggers for them yet? For me it's been smells, or sounds which have been the biggest triggers or a certain phrase... Living with them is possible, you're proof of that but you really do need to talk love, it's the only way that it has worked for me. I'm so very proud of you, pushing through to live, rather than just exist...

----------


## Strugglingmum

I know some triggers. Some I avoid, some its impossible to avoid, others I have been working on desensitising from. At times it seems like there are no triggers...they just come. 
I'm spending a lot of time in bed in the mornings reluctant to start the day. Bed is a safe place, I dont get them there. But I cant spend my life in bed so eventually I heave myself out again. I have to get up 6am to take Io to work but go back to bed when I come back. 
However, I'm up now and just had breakfast. Going to take Katie for a walk soon and get my daily exercise.  
I find the hypervigilence exhausting, wearing and mood destroying.  I used to get relief from it when swimming but obviously that's not happening  now. 

Sorry, that all sounds negative which is why I dont post a lot about it.
 I'm trying to look for positives. So. The sun is shining, I have a lovely furbaby who loves the beach as much as I do and is always ready to encourage me out!!  :(rofl): 
I have boots, hat coat, gloves and 2 good legs to walk on.im blessed. X

----------

Flo (09-01-21)

----------


## Paula

That actually doesnt sound negative because for every point you make, youre telling us what you do to get past it. Thats massively hard but so important. You should be proud of yourself

----------


## Suzi

Hypervigilance is exhausting. Marc used to have it all the time but his psychotherapist was Fing amazing and they worked through it... Her take on it was "and?" So she would ask Marc to talk about a scenario which was an issue for him and she said "and what happens?" He'd explain that his heart rate would increase, sweaty, stress, feel more anxious... "And?" He'd eventually get to the fact that he's passed out in Sainsbury's and they've called an ambulance... "And?" He asked what she meant - her response.. "Well, you didn't die did you?" That logical working through it started to make things easier for him and now whenever he's struggling I just say "Think of Ria.. And?" he can then start to think more logically - it's not easy and taken a LOT of practise, and I'm not suggesting that it's that straightforward. He had around a year of intensive therapy with her.. It helped him massively.

----------


## Strugglingmum

First psychology session of the year completed. 
Now for some relax time and get some breakfast sorted. 

Today is very cloudy and windy here, not really enticing me out! 
Spent yesterday clearing, cleaning and reorganising some kitchen cupboards. Still have some to do. Might tackle one of those today. Selfishly would give anything for the swimming pool to be open right now.

However, I have a home, I have my family, I am blessed with good physical health, I have my lovely Katie and food in the fridge. Counting my blessings. X

----------


## Suzi

How was psychology? Can you give you time to process what you've been working through?

----------


## Mira

Sounds like a good day so far. I was going to say the same as Suzi. And if you need time to let it sink in Please do. You are awesome  :Panda:

----------


## Paula

Well done, love  :):

----------


## Flo

Well done! Snap, I've been doing cupboards too....it wasn't planned. I made the 6 small trays of flapjacks for the shop earlier to get them out of the way. I was taking the last of the trays out of the oven and I hit the work surface and it turned turtle! Slid down the bottom cupboards, washing machine, oven door and floor! The air was blue! as I cleared up I thought I might as well clean the inside of the cupboard..and so ad infinitum!! :S:

----------


## Suzi

Flo, that's horrible! All those flapjacks gone to waste, a complete tragedy!

----------


## Strugglingmum

RIP poor flapjacks!

I haven't actually started anything yet. 
After I had breakfast I went upstairs to get washed, ended up putting on a peel facemask. Then once I took it off I thought I really needed a moisturising one so I've basically sat on top of my bed reading for 1.5hrs 'doing skin-care'.
Get me all self-caring and stuff!!

Io who is studying from home today then came in and decided it was lunchtime.  So lunch time it is and I have achieved one load in the washing machine and one in the dishwasher.   :(rofl):

----------


## Paula

Oooo awesome self care!

----------


## Suzi

I'm so proud of you! Well done!!!

----------


## Strugglingmum

All 3 of them at home today.

One has just asked the question...
So how long do you give it till mum's next mental breakdown?

Let's just say if they sing In the jungle...with all parts off-key one more time.....

They are now taking bets. Lowest amount of time given.....74seconds!.

----------


## Suzi

Oh... "a whim away, a whim away...."? Too soon?

----------


## Strugglingmum

How things go in my house...
Io, How does Casualty theme tune go again?
There then follows a cacophony of the rest of us murdering different versions of the theme tune...or what we think is the theme tune.
D, is on his laptop so sets it to play...we all join in
Then he finds a DJ dance version
This causes us to rave round the kitchen, he vapes out like a smoke machine, C and I flashing torches for strobe lights.

That my friends is what it's like being mum to my 3!!

----------

Stella180 (11-01-21)

----------


## Suzi

That's awesome! 

Do you adhere to the "Ballroom Blitz" law too? That as and when it plays you have to dance and sing along for the entire song?

----------


## Flo

How lovely to have all your lot home with you!...I'm envious!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Realising that any comment you make can and will be set to music is the norm here. 

Flo Io was studying from home today..she will be back to work tomorrow.  Both boys didnt start work till 4pm today so now is all peaceful  :(rofl):

----------


## Paula

Sounds fun in your house  :):

----------


## Stella180

Can I move in with you? Sounds like a fun place to be.

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Can I move in with you? Sounds like a fun place to be.


It's pretty bedlam most of the time. 
We are very tight-knit and close ranks at the drop of a hat, however we also have very dark sense of humour... no part of your life is safe from these guys banter. They have taught me to not take life so seriously and to be able to laugh at myself. 
They do realise if they go too far and are quick to say sorry, give you a nudge and a wink and quip 'too soon?'
You need the hide of a rhino....... they all also give the best hugs and make fab cups of tea.... their way of saying 'love you'

It can be overwhelming at the best of times but if that kinda thing floats your boat, jump in board.

----------


## Stella180

You have a fab family. I’ve never had anything like that so I am incredibly jealous. I’m always up for a bit of banter and you and your lot sound like my kind of crazy lol

----------


## Suzi

We have similar in our house... Close, but will take the proverbial all the time!

----------

Stella180 (11-01-21)

----------


## Stella180

That’s why I love you guys so much. It’s always fun being around you and your family.

----------

Suzi (11-01-21)

----------


## Suzi

You just like hearing them all take the P out of me constantly....

----------


## Stella180

No, I love to see the bond between you all, including how Marc in particular is with the dogs, and your kids are bright and funny. You all have what I could only dream of. You deserve all the happiness your families bring.

----------

Suzi (12-01-21)

----------


## Mira

That does sound great Stella. But I am think what Suzi said comes from that. My brother and my mum and me are that way too. And to others it might sound harsh at times but its love.

----------

Suzi (12-01-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I guess all families are different and have different ways of communicating. 
 My brother has 2 girls and their home is very genteel and calm and peaceful. No raised voices, no angry tantrums, no beating each other over the head with whatever is closest to hand. Sometimes I'm jealous of that. My brother and SIL are very calm and measured.  But then I remember the times that we have sat with the tears tripping us laughing, when we actually cant breathe we have laughed so hard because of someone's quick-witted reply. My hubby who laughs like Mutley and has huge laughter lines around his eyes and I'm glad for what we have. 

However, we do have a rule that banter is not an excuse for meanness. We have a saying,
"It's only funny if everyone is laughing".

Mira I'm glad you feel that closeness to your mum and brother, that's important.

----------

Stella180 (12-01-21)

----------


## Suzi

We have a similar phrase! 

How are you today lovely? What's on your agenda?

----------


## Paula

How comes my house with 2 girls was never genteel???

----------


## Suzi

Mine never has been either lol

----------


## Strugglingmum

> We have a similar phrase! 
> 
> How are you today lovely? What's on your agenda?



I'm ok. I went back to bed for a while this morning after taking Io to work. I had another hour so it was good. I have taken C to work and now I'm going to go for a walk. It rained most of yesterday so getting out while its dry. I have some crochet to work on later. 




> How comes my house with 2 girls was never genteel???


I'm not answering that.....sounds like a trap :(rofl):

----------


## Mira

I hope the walk gave you some energy. And that the crochet will be nice.

----------


## Suzi

Hope your walk is lovely and stays dry for you!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Walk was lovely. I have gorgeous countryside all around me. I walk a 5 mile circuit and it's all fields. 
Have a lasagne half made for dinner but my son is now in the kitchen cooking before he goes to work so I beat a hasty retreat with a cuppa.... I shall return to the chaos when he leaves!!  :X:

----------


## Suzi

So glad you had a lovely walk, it's what I miss most about living where I grew up - just being able to get out and walk or be close to the sea etc... 
Your son is a good cook? 

Did you get your lasagne made?

----------


## Mira

Oh that sounds like such an amazing place to walk.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Lasagna made and eaten. 
Let's just say none of mine would starve. 
They can make simple meals but also love experimenting with flavours etc. I have a notebook where I have written down our favourite family recipes.... how mum makes them.

----------


## Suzi

I've done that with Ben for when he went to uni!  :):

----------


## Mira

Great Idea. I have started toing that too. Since no one can make it like mum. But now we can get close haha

----------


## Paula

I offered that to mine .... no one took me up on the offer  :O:

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## Stella180

Oh Paula  :(rofl):

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## Suzi

> I offered that to mine .... no one took me up on the offer


 I've heard that you have very many qualities - that much is obvious, but that your culinary skills are not one of your best......

----------


## Paula

That particular gene may have passed me by - Si doesnt even let me microwave my WW meals anymore  :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):   :(rofl):   :(rofl):

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## Strugglingmum

I ended up falling asleep after dinner last night, woke up just before 8, had a cup of tea, watched The Repair Shop and went to bed. 
I'm not sleeping great and was really tired but couldnt sleep. Got up this morning,  took Io to work came home, got back into bed and slept till 10am. 
I'm really getting my sleep messed up through this lockdown, more than any other. Have to take C to work in a while and need to run into Asda for a couple of things but really I'm struggling to motivate myself through my days. 
There is so much I could be doing and I dont seem to be able to do anything. 
Someone please send a kick up the bum to jolt me into usefulness.

----------


## Suzi

I'm not going to give you a kick, but you are doing so much running around dropping kids to work etc at random times and trying to be busy to stop flashbacks/thoughts etc that actually I'm not surprised you're struggling. When did you last sit and pace or rest properly or allow yourself the time to process what you are talking about in therapy? What about some meditation before bed?

----------


## Paula

You dont seem to be doing much self care atm, love, can you spend the next couple of days doing things you love rather than what you should be doing?

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## Strugglingmum

Walk done. It was good to stretch my legs and feel active while the rain had actually stopped! For me this has been the longest week of any lockdown. 
I need to try and find a bit of structure to make it through next few weeks

----------


## Suzi

Are you sure you don't want to talk about things more?

----------


## Flo

Are you feeling a bit claustrophobic and restrained? You've been used to taming your gremlins by swimming long distances and the freedom it gives you when you focus plus the fact that it gets rid of the tension you feel I expect. The weather has been lousy so maybe you can't get out as much as you'd like, and the afternoons are dark which doesn't help either. I know it doesn't help me. I know I suffer when I can't get out for long walks because walking keeps my head straight. Basically my routine has been knocked into cocked hats!  Are you trying to catch up on sleep? From where I'm standing you work hard to keep all the family cogs going round, but don't deny yourself the little luxuries that you deserve...being waited on, baths by candle light, heaving the kids up to their room so you can have time with hubby! I don't know.....just little things that you might enjoy. By the way, what breed is your little dog?xx

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Strugglingmum (14-01-21),Suzi (14-01-21)

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## Strugglingmum

Thank you Flo. As ever it all makes sense. 
Yes I know not getting to swim is really affecting my mood because of the ease it gives me from flashbacks etc and yes I find it hard to want to go out in the rain.... I never used to be like that. 
My little dog is a hulking great German Shepherd who is stuck like velcro to me. She is my love but yet it's hard to motivate even to take her out, also probably because she hates the rain too and would much rather just snuggle up beside me on the sofa.  :(rofl):

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Flo (14-01-21)

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## Knowle

Sounds like the best option at the moment - the weather is truly horrible today.

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## Flo

Hulking great German Shepherd???.....what gave me the idea she was a lapdog pooch? Crikey, she'd probably crush you if she sat on your lap!! I've only known a couple of GS's owned by other people and both totally dominated the sofa and practically had to be surgically removed from their 'people' when they went to bed...but for all I know maybe they slept in the middle!!! Getting motivated during this weird incarceration is very hard isn't it for everybody? There's light at the end of the tunnel though...spring won't be long now and the evenings will be longer in a couple of weeks we'll have broken the back of winter and we can start being half human again and our heads will hopefully be full of optimistic things...and the swimming pool will be open again very soon I hope. Have a nice evening sweet.xx

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## Strugglingmum

Yip...she may be large but still a lap dog pooch :(rofl):

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## Suzi

We have that problem with Crash - he's huge, takes up the whole sofa, but has to be attached to someone all the time lol 

I'm glad you have worked out why you're struggling. Next thing is how to put things in place to make things easier for you....

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## Stella180

Is she a leaner? Max had to always sit close to me and would lean to put his body weight on me. He was very good at leaving its fur all over me too lol

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## Strugglingmum

Psychology appt done and dusted for another week. 
Day 1 of trying to add a little bit of structure to my life. 
That involves putting my phone down now until lunchtime.

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Stella180 (18-01-21)

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## Suzi

How was psychology? Are you building in process time?

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## Strugglingmum

Yeah. I went for a cycle after psychology to clear my head. Later I will sit down and write some stuff down that is really jumping out at me to act on. 

Been out some errands and made some homemade tomato soup.  Had some for lunch with a sandwich. 

Going to tidy the craft room for a while, then a walk with Katie. At least its dry today!

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## Flo

You sound so much more optimistic today! That's good. Have a lovely walk with Katie.x

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## Suzi

I'm really proud of you taking that time to give yourself space after psychology. That's so important. Writing things down is also going to be brilliant. 

Every time I've ever made tomato soup it's been really watery... What's your secret?

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## Paula

The plan to deal with psychology sounds really sensible  :): .  Flos right, you are sounding positive atm

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## Strugglingmum

My tomato soup is a store cupboard buster...very easy.
Chop an onion and 3 cloves garlic and saute 
Add 3 tins tomatoes
2 tbsp tomato puree
500ml veg stock
2 tbsp balsamic vinegar.
(The recipe also has pesto in it but I'm not a lover)
I season with salt and pepper and add some basil. 
Simmer away on the hob then blend.

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## Stella180

That sounds good to me. Is it bad that I have never made soup in my life unless you count the packets where you just add water.

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## Suzi

That sounds awesome! Thank you! 

I love making soup. Homemade soup is amazing. It's also amazing how much Fern and Ben like soup even if they hate the individual ingredients! Hazel hates soup.

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## Strugglingmum

My lot were late comers to soup. Only in recent years I could convince them to try it. Io now eats a few different ones.... I think because she is coeliac she is glad to find something she can eat!! D doesn't stray far from veg soup. C will only eat chicken and leek. I'll eat any. I literally will throw anything in a pot with stock and make a soup out of it.

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## Paula

Im with H on this one  :(n):

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## Stella180

What’s not to like about soup?

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## Suzi

Lol... Mine are all vegan soups so I can eat them!  :(rofl):  Ben makes a good (apparently) chicken and veg which he did for his Nan....

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## Paula

> Whats not to like about soup?


The texture to start with. I dont like slurping my food

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## Suzi

That's Hazel's reasoning too! 


Morning SM, how are you today?

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## Strugglingmum

Day 2 of adding structure and it's all gone a bit awry!!
My aim was not to be going back to bed after taking Io to work but I didnt sleep very well last night so I went back to bed. 

Ah well, it's good to be flexible. I've had brekkie and sorted some laundry, emptied the dishwasher etc. I have to take C to work and grab a couple of things in Asda while I'm up in the town. 
My plan is to do my walk while I'm up there.  Its bucketing, our roads are flooded, no footpaths etc so I'm going to walk in the town. It also means I dont need to coax myself out the door again later. 

I have found a slight change in the wording of a sentence has helped me take some pressure off myself and eased some of the panic and despair of succeeding. 
Instead of saying, "I'm going to get my life back" ...... especially when there are huge things I cant get back....
I've started to tell myself,  " I'm going to get a life back that includes lots that I enjoy" 

It may not be for everyone but I have found it really helpful to me to acknowledge things will never be as they were, but they can still be ok.

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Jaquaia (19-01-21)

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## Suzi

That's a brilliant change in wording. Much more positive, but also accepting of when things aren't so straight forward. You should be proud of yourself for making this change.

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## Jaquaia

Completely agree with Suzi!

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## Paula

Absolutely! Its definitely an adjustment to make but makes such a difference

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## Strugglingmum

Urrgh.... so after an accident' at home last night I have a swollen bruised knee. Last night it looked like a tennis ball on the side of my knee so I'm glad that has reduced to a more generalised swelling and a huge bruise. Getting ice on it straight away definitely helped. It will be a short walk today. 
At least the sun is out today although its bitter cold!!

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## Suzi

OMG What did you do? Should you get it looked at?

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## Strugglingmum

No it's fine, just sore but I can walk on it. Just did 3 miles so it's ok no real damage. 
My son C has this thing where if I'm getting worked up over something stupid he throws me across his shoulders and squats me till I laugh. 
Last night C, Io and I all came out of our bedrooms at the same time onto the landing. He jumped on my back carrying on and Io was saying to throw him over my shoulder...which there was no hope of me doing. We were messing around and then he throws me across his shoulders and runs into my bedroom with me to flip me on the bed. My knee connected with the bedend which is solid mahogany but also as he flipped me I landed on my neck. It could have been a lot worse than a swollen knee and a stiff neck. 
Anyway, lesson learnt....mummy is near 50 and not a ragdoll and doesn't bounce the same as she used to. Bless him he felt so bad, I may get a break from being squatted for a while.

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## Jaquaia

Ouch! But at the same time, that's quite funny! Your relationship with your kids sounds awesome!

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Strugglingmum (21-01-21)

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## Paula

Owwwwww

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## Strugglingmum

Thanks Jaq. That is so important for me to hear and know and remind myself about. I broke the cycle.  I was determined their lives would be different to mine and I treasure our bonds so so much. We are far from a perfect couple with perfect kids but we have love and fun and commitment. We all care fiercely and protectively. A and I created that. Despite him losing his dad at a young age and me having what I had, we have a lot to be able to sit back and say... We did a good job. I'm proud of us.

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## Flo

You sound like a great bunch...could do with you being my next door neighbour! Your poor knee!!! but at least the swelling is down...my J sounds like your son...he used to do those antics with me and his sister!

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## Mira

There is so much to be proud of. And who is aiming for perfect? There is nothing to learn if things are perfect. And you are together and a family unit. Through all the times. To me that sounds even better then perfect.

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## Suzi

I agree, your bond is awesome. The way that you are working together and you do so much for them - running them to and from work etc, but still having a laugh is so important. You really do have what is worth treasuring. You haven't just broken the cycle, you've smashed it in billions of pieces.


As an aside, any chance of starting a new thread as this one is now over 100 pages long  :O:

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## Mira

How are you feeling? I am curious since I can feel the good vibes in every post you wrote today. I hope that is the case. You deserve it.

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## Strugglingmum

> I agree, your bond is awesome. The way that you are working together and you do so much for them - running them to and from work etc, but still having a laugh is so important. You really do have what is worth treasuring. You haven't just broken the cycle, you've smashed it in billions of pieces.
> 
> 
> As an aside, any chance of starting a new thread as this one is now over 100 pages long


Thank you. .....how did it get to that length already!!! 
Will do boss. X




> How are you feeling? I am curious since I can feel the good vibes in every post you wrote today. I hope that is the case. You deserve it.


I'm doing ok thanks Mira. I try to find any good I can in the day.

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Suzi (21-01-21)

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## Paula

You most certainly broke the cycle. You should be so proud - of what youve done and what your family is!

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Strugglingmum (22-01-21)

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## Strugglingmum

Coffee in bed..... lovely start to the day!!

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## Mira

Sounds good yes. Enjoy the moment  :):

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## Stella180

You’ve trained them well.

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## Suzi

Sounds lovely!

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## Paula

A significant number today?

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## Strugglingmum

Unless 49 is significant in some way.
Actually you know what.... I'm proud of being my age.  I have lived through some crap and I'm still here.... and not just here but im learning (ok slowly) to live again. I spend a lot of time frightened, I am very uncertain of my future but I want that future. I have come a long long way to be able to say that! 
Birthdays are a time to celebrate and today i celebrate still being here and having people to love and who love me.

How different am I to this time last year??
This year I decided I was worth baking a cake for!!

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Butterfly (24-01-21),Paula (24-01-21),Stella180 (24-01-21),Suzi (24-01-21)

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## Stella180

You most definitely worthy of cake every day not just on your birthday.

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Butterfly (24-01-21),Strugglingmum (24-01-21)

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## Suzi

> Unless 49 is significant in some way.
> Actually you know what.... I'm proud of being my age.  I have lived through some crap and I'm still here.... and not just here but im learning (ok slowly) to live again. I spend a lot of time frightened, I am very uncertain of my future but I want that future. I have come a long long way to be able to say that! 
> Birthdays are a time to celebrate and today i celebrate still being here and having people to love and who love me.
> 
> How different am I to this time last year??
> This year I decided I was worth baking a cake for!!


OMG this is the best status you've ever written! You need to print it out and post it all over your home! I'm so proud of you!

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Butterfly (24-01-21),Strugglingmum (24-01-21)

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## Butterfly

Suzi is right, this is an amazing post! So proud of you! You deserve all the best and only good things in live - including getting a cake for your birthday! 
You WILL have a good future and you're doing amazing  :(inlove):

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Strugglingmum (24-01-21)

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## Suzi

Morning love, how are you today?

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## Strugglingmum

Today has felt very long. 
Psychology this morning was good but tough. There were a lot of tears.
Did a huge pile of ironing but did have a walk with Katie on the beach. I've applied to sign up for an online WRAP course starting Feb. I've made a zoom appt with an employment officer to try and get a CV pulled together.
I forgot to defrost the haggis for a Burns night dinner   :S:  so we will be a day late celebrating. 
I am kind of ready for today to be over. Feet up and crochet the rest of the night. 
On the plus side.....I had cake!! ......and there is still some left!! :(rofl):

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## Suzi

WRAP course? 
Hooray for cake! 
Can I ask why you're putting together a CV?

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## Paula

Suzis asking the same questions Ive got  :O:

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## Strugglingmum

WRAP  is Wellness recovery action planning. 
It's to help recovery to wellness and also prepare an action plan to keep you there and steps to take if you feel any deterioration in your mental health. I've been offered it before but it's only now that I feel in a place to benefit from it. 

The CV needs to be done as part of my NVQ but i also want to be starting to think of the future beyond therapy. I'm not ready for work just yet but I  want to start and think about work as being a part of my future and to be as prepared as I can be to try and enter the workforce . I'm being offered help to do all these things so I am taking full advantage of it.
I'm at an age when you filled in application forms for a job so I've never had a CV and dont know where to start. 
I also need help with it as I'm not too sure of my strengths or transferable skills etc. 
It should hopefully be a helpful experience

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Suzi (26-01-21)

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## Strugglingmum

Today I am home alone all day since..... I actually dont remember, definitely since first lockdown last year.
I have delivered Io to work and am lying on top of the bed with a cucumber facemask drying nicely. 
Planning my day and what I would like to achieve. There has been a slight thaw here today and its raining rather than sleet. 
Hopefully I can get out for a walk without slipping and sliding everywhere.

----------


## Jaquaia

Fingers crossed! It's thick frost here.

----------


## Paula

Are you ok about being alone today?

----------


## Suzi

I'm so glad that you've been doing some self care of the facemask! That's awesome. Not that long ago when you wouldn't have considered it. 

The WRAP and CV sound definitely worth doing love, and I'm so glad that you're not planning on rushing back to work quite yet. 
Is it safe for you to go out for a walk? Wrap up and be careful love.

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## Strugglingmum

> Are you ok about being alone today?


Well I'm always being told I'm not safe to be let out alone so hopefully home will be safer! :(rofl): 
No seriously, I think it will be a novelty. I'm here today and tomorrow alone. 




> The WRAP and CV sound definitely worth doing love, and I'm so glad that you're not planning on rushing back to work quite yet. 
> Is it safe for you to go out for a walk? Wrap up and be careful love.


Thanks, I believe in giving things a go to see if they help. 

We are having torrential rain at the moment.  It's great as its melting away the ice and snow etc but it's not enticing me out the door. Might wait and see what the afternoon brings!!
Of course that means I've no excuse not to clean the bathroom......grrr!!

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Suzi (26-01-21)

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## Jaquaia

Mine needs doing while you're at it!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Rain hasn't let up.......think I'll give the walk a miss

----------


## Stella180

Walking in the rain is great. Once to get over the getting wet phase lol

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hmmmmmm. I went out...should have stayed at home. Fell in the woods it was so wet and muddy with the thaw!! Home and changed now and scraped the mud off my cream coat and Wellie boots. Jeans hit the washing machine. Whose idea was it to get a dog??!! ..... oh, that would be me :(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

Cream coat in this weather??? You're brave!!! Any injuries?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Just an almighty body jolt!!
My cream coat is longer so thought it would keep more of me dry!!  :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

Oh no! Are you OK? Did you injure anything more than your pride?

Lol, cross posted... 

Are you resting now?

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## Paula

Oh noooooo! Are you ok?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thanks I'm grand. 
I have an online exercise class tonight.
It's called Soulsa...... I have no idea what it's like but I had a small tambourine delivered for use during the class!! :(giggle):  :(smirk):  :(think):

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## Stella180

Ermmmm, ok. Exercise with percussion. Interesting.

----------


## Strugglingmum

A and Io want to spectate!!
I have a feeling I may be the butt of a few jokes later!

----------


## Jaquaia

Only a few???

----------


## Stella180

Your butt may will be the butt of the jokes. Hehe, sorry too tempting not to join in.

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## Strugglingmum

Well blow me......the tambourine lights up and flashes when you shake it

----------


## Stella180

:(rofl):  I wish I could be there

----------


## Paula

> Well blow me......the tambourine lights up and flashes when you shake it


As if it wasnt awesome enough  :(rofl):

----------


## Strugglingmum

Ok I really enjoyed the class. It's like a dance aerobics with some salsa moves. 
Now I am as stiff as a board. I dont dance with any grace,  I cant shimmy, I cant roll my hips, I cant twerk etc I look terrible doing the moves but I didnt care ... I had fun and I shook my little tambourine with the best.... Plus I was in my spare room and noone could see me so theres a plus

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## Jaquaia

The main thing is you had fun!

----------


## Suzi

That sounds AWESOME fun!!

----------


## Flo

Good on YOU!....sounds a riot. I want a tambourine that lights up!! If it's raining and it's too wet to walk - well for me anyway - I jog around the house...it's great, I can see all the cobwebs and the dust! :(rofl):

----------


## Strugglingmum

I dont need to jog round to see the cobwebs and the dust :(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

I couldn't jog, I'd give myself black eyes!

----------


## Paula

:(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Jog?  :(rofl):   :(rofl):  

Morning SM, how are you doing today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I woke this morning with a pounding tension headache. 
I know that I spend so much of my life tensed up and at times I end up with my back and neck in knots which leads to headaches up my neck and right over the top of my head. 
Swimming really kept me loose and I didnt suffer as much from tension. 
Anyway. I took some painkillers and went back to bed after taking Io to work. Had another sleep and thankfully it was gone when I woke at 10. 

Zoom cookery class soon and then a walk with Katie I think. It's not raining here but its wet and droopy. Anyway we will head to the beach and hopefully get a good walk with no falls!!

----------


## Stella180

Yeah please avoid any face planting, its not an activity I recommend. Feel free to give your big ball of fluff a cuddle from me.

----------


## Suzi

Glad the headache had gone after your nap love. I hate tension pain.. 
What'cha cooking in your zoom class today? 

Wet and "droopy"? I have to admit to not being very mature and giggling like a giggling thing at that line! 
But yes, Stella is right. No more falls please!

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## Strugglingmum

Well just to report I slipped and fell on a stepping stone and landed on my bum in a stream .
The dog behaved like a brat the whole time we were out - nearly pulled me over twice- and I may just give up walking!!. 
Please open the swimming pools I may end up breaking something before this lockdown is over.  :(rofl): 

Now home, drying off and thinking about forgiving the hairy beast for being a total brat...... I need fed first!!

----------


## Stella180

Oops? Are you ok? Naughty Katie.

----------


## Flo

That's what you get when you take a pony out for a walk!! :(rofl): ....wet bum but no injuries I hope! Open the flipping pools!!!!

----------


## Suzi

Oh no!!! Will you lease be more careful??? You are important you know

----------


## Strugglingmum

When your husband tells you he would prefer it if you didnt leave the house without adult supervision!! :(rofl): 
I have a bruise on my bum from today, one on my shoulder from yesterday and a huge rainbow one still on my knee from last week.

----------


## Suzi

Lol, I sympathise as I was going to do something and got a firm "Mummy, NO!" from Ben who then informed me that he knew how it would go.... "Hobble, hobble, splat" and then he and Dad would have a mess to clean up as well as trying to get me off the floor when they were trying not to just point and laugh.... 

What's on your agenda today?

----------


## Jaquaia

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## Paula

I totally get that....... ouch, how are you this morning?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm grand, a bit stiff and sore. 
Funny enough I said I would stay in if someone else walked the dog..... no takers!! 
I'm sat up in bed sewing bunny applique on a baby blanket with invisible thread. It's a nightmare!! (I'm procrastinating now) I want to finish this set today though so will keep at it..... 2 done 6 to go grrr.
I've to take C to work later so I'm going to take my walk around the town with footpaths etc so hopefully will stay upright today instead of clambering through woods or over rocky beaches..... wont be as fun though!!

----------


## Paula

I got a pair of Crocs ankle length wellies after Jax pulled me over - I feel much more secure with them on

----------


## Stella180

fingers crossed you stay vertical today while exercising

----------


## Strugglingmum

I wear my walking boots when out with the dog. I climb mountains in these boots yet struggle to stay upright in the mud or a stream..... says more about me I guess.

Whoever invented invisible thread quite honestly is a sadist. 
I've given up.

----------


## Jaquaia

I absolutely hate invisible thread!!! Completely agree with you there! 

I struggle in walking boots in mud too. Not come across any streams round here though...

----------


## Flo

Walking hazards seem to be the topic for the day so I'll put in my ten penneth! I've just come back from a long walk 'Tour de Churchinford'! a couple of fields..yeh, ok....rural muddy footpaths, yeh, that's ok too.....on the home stretch I walked along a proper tarmac road....face oncoming traffic mum used to say.....man /idiot in farm pick-up hurtles towards me so I dodge the puddle and jump on grass verge..man/iriot drives right into puddle and soaks Flo!! The water hits above my welly and drains into welly so sloshed my way home...I hate wet feet! Thinking of investing in one of those rubber scuba jobbies.

----------


## Paula

Yuck!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Poor Flo...... but sorry I confess I did giggle!!  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Oh no Flo! That's horrible and an offence actually! 

I wear steel toe capped boots when I go out with the dogs... It may or may not have anything to do with me managing to break two toes when I was out in trainers.....

----------


## Jaquaia

Let's be honest Suzi, you'd still manage to break things in them!  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Actually that's very true.....

----------

