# Help and Advice > Coping with Depression >  Chapter 2: the book addict rejoins the world

## Jaquaia

Time to start a new thread! 

My ankles are stiff, have been since I woke up, same with my elbows. They weren't an issue when I was 4 stone heavier so it's something I need to mention to my rheumatologist at my next appointment. It's annoying how tired I am after a quick trip to town but I do feel a sense of achievement

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OldMike (04-11-19)

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## Suzi

Woohoo! New shiny thread! 
When's your appointment with your rheumy?

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## Jaquaia

Not actually got one sent through yet!!! I should be due one as she said 8 months, but I'm not flaring, just achey and stiff so I can wait as others need the appointments more.

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## OldMike

Woo hoo a bright new thread  :):  Jaq I wonder if the cold damp weather has anything to do with you being stiff and achy.

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## Jaquaia

It's not helping but the main issue is my immune system isn't dampened down enough. At my last bloods the nurse told me my inflammation markers are up and down, meaning I still have active disease.

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OldMike (04-11-19)

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## Paula

> Not actually got one sent through yet!!! I should be due one as she said 8 months, but I'm not flaring, just achey and stiff so I can wait as others need the appointments more.


You are just as important. Youre in active disease, which, as I understand it, can lead to irreversible damage. Please push for an appointment.......

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OldMike (04-11-19)

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## Jaquaia

I don't feel like I am. I feel like me having a tough day doesn't matter as it always feels like my mums health issues are what's important. 

Anyway, sorted these today...



The photo album is gorgeous. It's brown leather with an embossed fairy

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## Suzi

Those are fab... But I agree, if you are in active disease then you deserve to be seen... You are important. Please give them a call tomorrow....

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## Jaquaia

I will see how I am tomorrow. It's possibly because it's been cold and damp today.

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## Paula

Please ring regardless. Most days you are in significant pain (enough for you to change the way you live your life because of it). That is a significant disability and needs to be dealt with. You need help

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## Suzi

I completely agree with Paula.

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## Jaquaia

I have no idea why I'm being so stubborn

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## Suzi

Then don't be and call tomorrow...  :):

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## Paula

Perhaps because no one wants to be labelled disabled ......?

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## Jaquaia

I thought I'd pretty much accepted it, I mean I'm even contemplating trying to claim disabled students allowance. It's just frustrating. It did mean a lot the other day when James asked if him having a flu jab would benefit me, he's going to look into it since it will help me. I don't think anyone has ever been willing to do something like that for me before 

Well I'm resting tomorrow. He's decided he's taking me for lunch and since it's near the Minster, we're going to go see the poppy installation and the Michelangelo exhibition :):

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Paula (04-11-19)

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## Suzi

OOO take loads of pictures! 

Def apply for the DSA Ben's just been accepted, he just has to book an assessment and he's getting one of the disability officers to go with him as they will do all of that. It's definitely worth applying - the worst they can do is say no!

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## Jaquaia

I will!!! I've been wanting to go since they announced it was coming to Hull. I can't wait!!! It's only going to 2 places in the country and Hull is the only one you can see it for free

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## Suzi

Such an awesome thing - even more poignant in November too...

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## Jaquaia

This guy does the installations in Hull and Beverley Minsters every year

https://www.martin-waters.co.uk/reme...stallations-2/

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Paula (05-11-19)

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## Flo

What an amazing display of poppies Jaq! I think Nov. 11th is such an important day. I have a big one - poppy that is! - on the grill of my car. Poppy day is a big thing in our village.

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Jaquaia (05-11-19)

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## Suzi

Wow Jaq, those were so moving! Such beautiful tributes to something so hideous, makes you stop and look and think. 

How are you today?

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## Jaquaia

He is an amazing artist. I'm looking forward to seeing it myself rather than photos this year.

I'm ok, I was stiff when I woke up but a hot shower has helped that massively

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## Paula

Are you going to chase up that appointment?

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## Jaquaia

I'm feeling a lot better today. The rheumy nurse told me the phone number was for flares and I'm not flaring. Or this isn't a flare in my understanding of it anyway. My CRP level is in the low-mid teens so it's classed as minimal active disease.

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## Suzi

But you are having more symptoms, which means a flare....

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## Jaquaia

Have shared lots of photos of the Minster and the exhibition on fb

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Suzi (05-11-19)

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## Paula

What do you consider a flare?

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## Jaquaia

Pain and swelling. What caused me to seek out treatment in the first place. My consultant has never seemed to be concerned about stiffness

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## Paula

But you do get pain, all the time

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## Jaquaia

I would say it's more discomfort than pain, a throbbing ache more than anything. I sometimes wonder if I have a high pain tolerance as fracturing my wrist didn't really hurt that much...

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## Paula

Have you considered that even discomfort is more than you should be dealing with, especially as youre being treated for it? That maybe that suggests youre in flare even if you dont see it?

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## Jaquaia

I hadn't but I maybe should

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## Paula

I feel like Im constantly on your back, sorry, love ........

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## Jaquaia

It's ok. I know you only nag me because you care  :Kiss:  :O: 

It's just been stiffness in my hands today. I need to try taking anti-inflammatories when I get pain as they should help. If ibuprofen doesn't work I promise I will go to the doctors and ask for something stronger. He can give me steroids too if he thinks they'd help. I have self-heating gloves that will help too. It's the first step the hospital would take.

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## Paula

Nag?? Noooooooo, gentle encouragement  :O:

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## Jaquaia

:(giggle): 

I picked up a book and forgot my tutorial...

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## Mira

Hi, I have been out of it for a while. Been reading your thread. And I wish your discomfort and pain would be way way less. How are you doing otherwise?

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Jaquaia (05-11-19)

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## Jaquaia

I'm ok. I've actually rested today. I should have worked but I know if I push it I will be in a huge amount of pain so pacing! Tomorrow is a full day of study

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## Suzi

You forgot your tutorial? Oops! 
Will you please try to see yourself in the same way that you would see us - in pain tell us to get checked out.... The same rule applies!  :):

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## Mira

Its possible to overdo it with study as well. So I hope you can be kind to yourself.

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## Jaquaia

I take regular breaks and read a chapter of my book!

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## Suzi

Morning love, you are you doing today?

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## Mira

Nose in the books I guess. I am glad to hear you take breaks and relax.

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## Paula

Hey you, have you made that call yet?

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## Jaquaia

You can stop nagging me now! My rheumatology appointment came through. It's 2 weeks today  :P:

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Suzi (06-11-19)

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## Paula

Pmsl, but good news  :):

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## Jaquaia

It's at a completely different hospital which has thrown me so just rang to double check... personal growth!!! The only issue is I'm at James' that week and he's working so I need to get round the in-laws...

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Suzi (06-11-19)

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## Paula

Im sure theyll be happy to help

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## Jaquaia

He's going to speak to them about it about it. I just feel cheeky needing their help

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## Suzi

Why do you feel cheeky asking?! What help are you asking for?

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## Jaquaia

I'm staying with James that week and he's at work so I will need a lift to the hospital as public transport is hit and miss. Proper village!!!

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## Suzi

I can't see that they'd have an issue with that, and if they do then you can always call a cab?

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Jaquaia (06-11-19)

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## Paula

Dont be a daft moo  :O:  youre part of their family now, of course theyll want to help!

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Jaquaia (06-11-19),OldMike (06-11-19)

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## Jaquaia

Love how subtle you are Paula :O:  :(giggle): 

I will get there. J is making me take my laptop with me tomorrow as I mentioned I had another tutorial...

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OldMike (07-11-19)

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## Paula

:(rofl):

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## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):

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## Jaquaia

I did reversing!!! Without panicking!!!!!

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OldMike (07-11-19)

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## Paula

:(party):

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Jaquaia (07-11-19)

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## Suzi

Well done love! That's awesome!  :):

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Jaquaia (07-11-19)

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## Mira

You rock! And as I can see yes you are part of a family.

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Jaquaia (07-11-19)

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## Jaquaia

Bob said I surprised him with how quickly I picked it up. 

Currently sat in the bank in Beverley while he sorts getting her taken off the bank account. My right arm is aching from my shoulder to my wrist and it's making me feel a little sick. Going to take some pain meds when I get to Js and rest.

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## Suzi

Have you hurt your arm? 
It's taken him a while to get her off the bank account when they haven't been together officially for over a year.....

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## Jaquaia

Yep! She refused until the money came through and more recently, she made excuses about not having had the form long/no time etc. A few weeks is long enough for not even quarter of an A4 sheet and a signature. Funnily enough, when she questioned when he was paying maintenance, as soon as he said he was setting the payment up when he handed the forms in, they miraculously appeared filled in... Cynical? Moi?

I suspect the RA may be affecting other joints. I will mention it to my rheumy when I see her

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## Suzi

Hmm, I'd be a bit cynical too.... 

I hope you do mention it - maybe keep a pain journal until you see her?

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## Paula

Youre probably right....

And while youre doing a pain journal, please make sure you write down the pain made you feel a little sick. That, my sweet, is a flare

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## Mira

Sounds like a good idea that the others said. Hope you can sleep and rest tonight.

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## Jaquaia

I will. James is so thoughtful! He made me bring my laptop so I could do my tutorial. I wasn't going to but the painkillers kicked in and I'm glad I did it as it was fascinating! When my tutorial finished I looked up and he had disappeared. He'd gone up to run me a bath!  :(inlove):

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## Mira

Thats great. So nice that you could enjoy it. And what a great guy you have there. From what I can tell you make each other happy. Enjoy the bath.

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Jaquaia (07-11-19)

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## Suzi

How are you today lovely?

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## Jaquaia

I'm ok so far. Not been up long, but a hot bath last night and a hot shower this morning has really helped!

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## Angie

Glad that your feeling ok hunni x I love hot baths

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## Suzi

Hooray for hot water!  :):

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## Mira

How are you doing today? Any plans for the weekend?

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## Jaquaia

Just studying this weekend though just been told my sister is coming for dinner tomorrow. I'm home now but don't want to be.

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## Mira

Anything else you could do? Is J going to be there? That could help a little. I do not know him but from the pictures and stories I can imagine that he has a calm over him.

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## Suzi

Oh no! I thought you were staying with him for a while....

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## Jaquaia

Just Thursday/Friday night. Though it was nice to hear that he didn't want to bring me home either. 

I'm staying with him a week on Sunday until the Thursday. He said about giving me a key in case I need to go out as he's working. As soon as he mentioned about my rheumy appointment his mum told his dad he has to keep the Wednesday free and then said about the hospital having a nice cafe! That made me giggle, I feel really accepted.

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## Paula

When are you meeting the kids?

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## Suzi

That IS lovely! I think he's right to get you a key! 

How is the de-cruella-ing the house going? Has he spoken to the children about you yet?

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## Jaquaia

We've packed away all of her CDs and boxed the wedding photos up and they're in the loft. There's no trace of her in the living room, bathroom or his bedroom now, and we've ordered the furniture to finish the living room. 

No idea about the children but his dad spoke to the solicitor last week (he'd gone about protecting J's inheritance from her) and she said that they need to meet me soon.

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## Angie

Thats a positive hunni xx

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## Mira

Yes. It seems that way to me too. Things are moving along. I am happy for you. You deserve it all. And all the great things that go with it.

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Jaquaia (09-11-19)

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## Paula

Good. I completely agree

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Jaquaia (09-11-19)

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## Suzi

So the solicitor and his parents think they should meet you soon? So what's holding him back?

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## Jaquaia

I have no idea

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## Suzi

Have you asked him? Actually scrap that, I'm sure you have.... 
So, your sister is coming over tomorrow are you doing anything positive for you this weekend?

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## Jaquaia

A few times. He just says it needs to be done properly for the children and that we will get there.

I've finished Good Omens and started reading Circe by Madeline Miller

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## Mira

In my therapy they said I should check if I got nervous or anxious about something. And I noticed I think I said something wrong and worry you are cross with me. Is that true or am I totaly wrong? And is it ok that I ask?

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## Jaquaia

Of course it's ok to ask! I'm proud of you for asking, that's huge for you! I am not cross with you lovely, not even a tiny bit annoyed  :Panda:

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## Suzi

:(bear):  :(bear):  :(bear):  Jaq... So much love and respect to you x

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## Paula

Hunni, its not usual for a solicitor to get involved in things like that. DoYou know why that comment was made?

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## Jaquaia

It came up in conversation with his dad.

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## Paula

Jaq, I know youre being guided by him on this  but Im concerned hes not handling this right. The longer he leaves it, potentially the harder hes going to find it and hell end up not ever telling them. And the higher the risk that shes going to tell them and will poison them against you. I think you need to start pushing him - else this could put everything you have together at risk .....

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OldMike (10-11-19)

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## Jaquaia

I've already said all this to him.

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## Paula

But have you _pushed_ him?

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## Jaquaia

I've tried and I just get the answer I've already told you

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## Suzi

Oh hunni, you're in such a difficult position. I wish I had the magic answer.

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## Jaquaia

He's said he intends to tell them before Christmas so all I can do is wait and see

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## Suzi

You seem sad and frustrated by it all....

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## Angie

:(bear):

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## Jaquaia

I think I am. I'm tired of having to keep our relationship a secret. It's much better than it was, I mean it was lovely being able to go for a wander around Beverley and go for a drink without worrying about it getting back to her. It was lovely meeting his friend James, he said J never looked as happy as he does now when he was with her. But it would be nice to start working towards living together. I told him last night that I would like to be living together by the summer holidays

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## Mira

I get why it would make you feel this way. When you tell us how things are between the both of you I get happy too. Its easy to see how you both feel about each other. And to be honoust. Its the same reason as to why there are so many love songs around. The two of you are great together.

But this is something that would leave me feeling sad too. I get why it had to be done at first. Because of the ex and how nasty she can get. But now it should be all about the 2 of you. And getting closer together. With the children too. I hope it will happen soon enough for you. You deserve it.

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Angie (10-11-19),Jaquaia (10-11-19),Paula (10-11-19),Suzi (10-11-19)

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## Jaquaia

Thank you

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## Mira

I hope today is going ok. Even with your sister coming over. How are you doing?

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## Jaquaia

I'm tired. Scarlett was all for me again so I spent a lot of the afternoon sat on the floor drawing with her

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## Suzi

I'm not surprised Scarlett wants you and lots of time with you - you are amazing. 

I don't understand why J is not pushing forward with this - it just seems madness to me. You love him, he loves you so why not move forward?

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Jaquaia (10-11-19)

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## Mira

I know how it can make you tired. When I am at my friend his daughter takes all my time and leaves me tired. But I would not want to miss it  :):

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Jaquaia (10-11-19)

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## Jaquaia

I couldn't tell you. He just keeps telling me that we'll get there. I just have to trust him. 

She was funny today. She started walking round with her plate telling my dad to hurry up with dinner

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## Suzi

Well I suppose that's what you'll have to do huh?  :(think):  I assume he doesn't know how hard this is for you....

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## Jaquaia

He does. I've been honest with him. Or as honest as I can be

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## Paula

> Or as honest as I can be


What does that mean?

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## Suzi

That suggests you haven't told him how much it's bothering/worrying you or what's really going on in your head....

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## Jaquaia

I've told him. I've just possibly not explained it enough for him to completely understand

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## Suzi

Oh love.... How are you today?

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## Jaquaia

I'm ok. Achey and headachey.

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## Paula

Ok, tough question. Have you really (really, really) explained you him how vital it is that you are in a position to leave your parents sooner rather than later? Have you explained all this is not just about him and the children? That he needs to start thinking about you and about you as a couple?

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## Jaquaia

He knows I want to be out of here, but I don't want to use him as an escape and it's me who insists that the children are ok about me moving in. He said last night that to him, this isn't as simple as telling them "daddy has a new girlfriend" but about introducing them to someone who is going to be in their lives for a very long time. 

Plus on the practical side, I need to pass my test. Public transport is almost non-existent and Bob doesn't cover that area. I really don't want to change instructor.

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## Paula

Ok, except youre a couple and _all_ implications should be taken into account when looking towards your future. Its not just about him and the kids. You matter too. Also, the kids are not going to be ok about you moving in until he tells them about you!

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## Mira

I was thinking that the sooner they know about you the easier it will be when you do move in together. Now it feels as if the kids will find out when you are about to move in.

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## Jaquaia

I don't know what else I can do. He knows I'm not happy about it.

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## Suzi

Oh hunni, and now I imagine it feels that we're all asking you questions that you can't answer as it isn't you who is the issue!

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## Jaquaia

I don't know what more I can do.

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## Mira

I did not mean anything by it. And it was not me being critical. Its more me being supportive. And caring.

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## Suzi

No I don't think that you can do anything else.... I just really feel for you - as we all do I think.... 

I feel for the kids too. I know that their lives will be much better with you in it....

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Jaquaia (11-11-19)

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## Jaquaia

> I did not mean anything by it. And it was not me being critical. Its more me being supportive. And caring.


I know lovely, please don't worry  :): 




> No I don't think that you can do anything else.... I just really feel for you - as we all do I think.... 
> 
> I feel for the kids too. I know that their lives will be much better with you in it....


I hope so. My biggest fear is that she will tell them out of spite and try and turn them against me

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## Angie

Sweetheart if she does do that once the children meet you they will know the truth is the total opposit, children arent stupid and they will of witnessed her behaviour so will know what she is like x

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Suzi (11-11-19)

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## Paula

> I hope so. My biggest fear is that she will tell them out of spite and try and turn them against me


Sorry, Im not sugar coating this, much as Id love to  :(bear): . But this would be my biggest fear too. You are not the type of person to issue ultimatums, but you might have to consider that, hunni, before it all goes to  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  .....

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## Suzi

The thing is, she is capable of doing that.... And I think she'd get satisfaction from it. Have the children met her new partner?

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## Jaquaia

Not yet. She wants to tell them when they've been together 3 months and she's asked about him being there Christmas day...

I don't think I have that in me Paula

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## Paula

Of course you do, youre far stronger than you think. And sometimes we have to fight for what we want, or risk losing it....

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## Suzi

You are such a strong and powerful lady. 

Alternatively you can let Paula and I "talk" to him  :O:

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## Jaquaia

2 hours sat hunched over my laptop and I am ridiculously stiff!!!

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## Mira

Sounds painful. Maybe a nice shower and a hot drink? That helps me sometimes.

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## Jaquaia

If I could drive I would have been on my way to J's for a bath!!! He'd never know, he's at work...

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## Mira

That would do the trick  :):  a bath is great for feeling stiff.

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## Suzi

So you need driving license, car and keys.... Easily sorted  :O:

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## Jaquaia

I haven't even done my theory...

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## Mira

I am sure that the theory will not be that difficult for you. I remember when I did it I took 2 times to pass. But I did get it in one day. But I do not know how its done in the UK.

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## Jaquaia

It's trying to fit it in around uni at the moment. I have so much work to do and I'm behind

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## Paula

It really doesnt take that much time......

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## Jaquaia

I haven't even read the full highway code yet.

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## Paula

I dont think my two did ever read the whole thing. It needs some study but there are apps that can help, and most of it is common sense

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## Suzi

B didn't ever read it either. He learnt the stopping distances and some signs. You can do it love. 

Behind with uni stuff?

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## Jaquaia

Yes. The tutors have said it's quite common. I don't need a lot of my 60 credit module for my assignment as it's not related to the reading. I have 2 chapters to read for another module but that's on counselling and psychotherapy which I find fascinating, and this weeks reading to do for my 3rd module.

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## Angie

Morning sweetie, how are you feeling? You will get there with Uni xx

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## Jaquaia

I'm stiff. I'm going to have a hot shower and then do some reading

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## Mira

Sounds like a plan. Enjoy the shower and reading. The weather here is perfect for a day like take. Snuggled up nice and warm while reading.

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## Angie

Sounds like a good plan sweetie xx

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## Suzi

How are you doing love? Did the shower help?

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## Jaquaia

The shower did help and the heating is on too. I'm going to bring up the stiffness with my rheumy next week.

Reading about drug treatments in anxiety and depression. It's absolutely fascinating!!! Nearly finished the chapter! Psychoanalysis next.

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## Suzi

Glad you're enjoying your reading. Are you keeping a note of your stiffness/pain etc?

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## Jaquaia

Just finished it!!! Can't remember the last time I finished an academic chapter in less than 3 hours! 

I haven't but I should have. I'm stiff most days at the moment so I will mention it. And I will mention that my left middle finger seems to be developing a swan neck deformity too

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## Suzi

Definitely mention these things - maybe you need to keep a list?

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## Mira

How is the stiffness at the moment? Are you trying to relax?

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## Jaquaia

Starting to get a little stiff. Heat helps but I got too hot so opened my window.

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## Suzi

Do you have heat wraps or heat bags or something?

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## Jaquaia

I have thermoskin gloves if I need them. They're self-heating. 

Finished my 2nd chapter so resting now. Going to read for 20 minutes then it's the apprentice

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## Suzi

Oh the Apprentice is amusing us tonight!

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## Jaquaia

It amuses me most weeks. I'm really not keen on Lottie

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## Suzi

OOO definitely not! We can't wait for her to go!

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## Jaquaia

She survives this week, she's in the train task clip at the beginning

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## Suzi

Yes, but that's only next week, hopefully she'll be out next week! 

How are you today love?

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## Jaquaia

A little stiff and anxious. It's really windy here and I've never driven in strong wind before.

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## Suzi

Much better to do it for the first time in a lesson. You've got this. You can do it.

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Jaquaia (14-11-19)

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## Mira

I agree. You can do this. My very first lesson was in the snow. Made me real nervous. But I had a good instructor. Just like you have. So you are in good hands. And you can drive. You got this  :(y):

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Jaquaia (14-11-19),Suzi (14-11-19)

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## Jaquaia

I kept to my comfort zone while I got used to the wind and rain and ended up driving halfway home!!! I was nervous as they were new roads, and it showed but I did it and did a decent job!!!

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## Suzi

That's brilliant! Well done lovely!

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Jaquaia (14-11-19)

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## magie06

I bet you feel more tired than normal after doing strange roads! Be kind to yourself for the rest of the day.

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Jaquaia (14-11-19)

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## Mira

Thats great. You did things that were new to you. And how. Good going  :): 

And I agree with Magie on the being kind to yourself.

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Jaquaia (14-11-19)

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## Jaquaia

I am tired but it's a huge step towards my aim of driving home before Christmas. Had an appointment to go to with my mum when I got home and they're always exhausting as she's never truthful.

My plan is to do a little studying. We've got thunder, lightning, rain and hail here so it's not pleasant!

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## Suzi

Did you interject at her appointment and tell things as they really are? 
Hope the weather has settled....

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## Jaquaia

I did and she tries arguing with me and it never works. 

I ache all over now, my body feels like lead, my wrists are throbbing, the moment I came downstairs my mum asked me to make her a cup of tea... surprising I know. And despite instructing her to ring the doctors to say her hydroxychloroquine needs reviewing, she got off the phone without actually telling them it needed reissuing!

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## Suzi

Oh no! Can you get her to call back?

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## Jaquaia

I just have. Apparently the doctors is closed for a staff meeting. I'm just fed up with her at the moment. I told her in front of my dad to stop making excuses and start taking responsibility for her own health. I always feel like I can never have a bad day as it's always about her. Always.

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## Mira

I can see how being there for family is a good thing. But they do need to take these things into there own hands. Its unfair to put this all on you. And thats not even taken into account your own pains and struggle. 

You did well to tell her to stop making excuses. Even if its not coming across. And you might need to do it more often. Please keep doing it. This is good for you even if it might not feel like it.

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Jaquaia (14-11-19),Suzi (14-11-19)

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## Paula

Well done, hunni

Can I ask why you dont drive home?

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## Jaquaia

My confidence hasn't been up to it. My route home crosses one of the main roads out of the city and it can be very busy.

----------


## Angie

I'm glad that you spoke up at the doctors and also to your mum, you will get there with the driving, doing driving in bad weather with an instructor is a good thing x

----------

Jaquaia (14-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

I'm another one who's really proud of you for standing up to her - especially in front of your Dad! Go you!!!

----------

Jaquaia (14-11-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Well I've decided not to study today as I think I need rest. So I'm reading

----------


## Mira

Good plan. After a day like this you should do something to relax a little.

----------


## Jaquaia

This is part of the route where I have my driving lesson!!!

----------


## Mira

Oh wow. That looks rough!

How are you feeling today?

----------


## Angie

It does look rough in those photos.

----------


## Jaquaia

They had to close the major road into the city last night because of flooding! 

I'm stiff and my wrists are throbbing. Going to take some paracetamol and try and keep my wrists warm but popping shopping.

----------


## Angie

Keep warm sweetie and dont over do it xx

----------

Jaquaia (15-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

Definitely agree with Angie. Stay safe and dry and be kind to yourself.

----------

Jaquaia (15-11-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Just got home. Bought all my Christmas cards and something small for my brother-in-law so slowly getting organised. Not planning on taking my hoodie off for a while yet!!!

----------


## Angie

Awwww please keep wrapped up and warm sweetie it wont be helping your hands if your cold am not trying to teach you to suck eggs. xx

----------

Jaquaia (15-11-19)

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (15-11-19)

----------


## Mira

Will you see J soon? Being in a cuddle is a great way to stay warm.

----------

Jaquaia (15-11-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I need to do some work so I'm going to put the heating on and get my thermoskin gloves out. They're self-heating and I think they'll be easier to write/type in than my splints!!!

Mira, sunday! I'm meeting him from work Sunday evening and staying most of the week  :):

----------


## magie06

Do you think you've over done it recently, or is it because the weather is so damp? Are you writing all of this down for your next appointment?

----------


## Jaquaia

I think it's the weather. The gloves are helping though

----------


## Angie

Glad that they are helping sweetie x

----------


## magie06

I'm glad something is helping.

----------


## Suzi

Jaq - what are the thermoskin gloves like? I've not got any, do they really help?

----------


## Jaquaia

They're really easing my wrists. And they've gone over my ring splints too which is a bonus. Have you got a physio or OT you can ask for them before you buy them? The rheumatology OT gave me these.

----------


## Suzi

No, I have no one like that at all. Just me... Thanks love, am looking at getting some next week.

----------


## Jaquaia

It's the first time I've used them and they look too big, you can't even see my little finger in them! But they've really helped ease the ache. I'm looking so glamourous today. Slightly too big gloves, trackies that are getting too big for me, amd an oversized hoodie but I don't care! I'm warm!!!

----------


## OldMike

As long as you're warm that's all that matters I'm sure your inner beauty shines through your hoodie.

----------


## Jaquaia

Awww Mike!!!  :(blush):  :Kiss:

----------


## Suzi

I agree with Mike! Besides oversized hoodies are the best..

----------


## Jaquaia

I misjudged how much weight I'd lost when I ordered it!!! It wasn't supposed to be quite this oversized!  :(giggle):

----------


## Angie

I love oversized as can layer up underneath loads in winter without it look odd x

----------


## Paula

> I misjudged how much weight I'd lost when I ordered it!!! It wasn't supposed to be quite this oversized!


Oops  :(giggle):

----------


## Mira

Hoodies are awesome oversized. Even better if they are for around the house.

And Mike is a true poet and right.

----------

Jaquaia (15-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

> I misjudged how much weight I'd lost when I ordered it!!! It wasn't supposed to be quite this oversized!


 :(rofl):  I never seem to have that issue lol

----------


## Jaquaia

Finished 2 assignments!!!! Have a week and a half 2 work on the other 2 and 3 days to myself at Js to get some serious work done on them!!! Well... me and the builders and my rheumy...

Plus I should be getting my counselling results back soon...

----------


## Suzi

Builders? 

Well done love! I'm so proud of you!

----------


## Paula

:(party):

----------


## Jaquaia

He is having the back door bricked up to create more room in the kitchen. He doesn't use it as he has patio doors in the living room so I suggested it as he'll be able to have extra cuboards and work surface 

Thank you!

----------


## Suzi

That sounds cool!

----------


## Paula

> He is having the back door bricked up to create more room in the kitchen. He doesn't use it as he has patio doors in the living room so I suggested it as he'll be able to have extra cuboards and work surface 
> 
> Thank you!


So this is your first contribution to making the house your home?

----------


## Jaquaia

Erm... I suggested the wallpaper for his room and had a say in how the living room was decorated. I even chose the curtains! He said he wants my input as he wants me to be happy there

----------

Paula (15-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

That's awesome  :O:

----------


## Angie

Thats brilliant

----------


## Suzi

How are you today?

----------


## Jaquaia

A little stiff but a hot shower has helped.

I'm just planning on studying today with lots of breaks

----------


## Angie

Glad the shower has helped sweetie, can you figure a way to give me a kick up the bum to get my studying done, (why did I put in for my level 2 ) lol

----------


## Suzi

You're planning on pacing? That's amazing!

----------


## Jaquaia

> Glad the shower has helped sweetie, can you figure a way to give me a kick up the bum to get my studying done, (why did I put in for my level 2 ) lol


Little and often! We learn better in smaller bursts apparently!




> You're planning on pacing? That's amazing!


No need to sound so surprised!!!  :P:

----------

Angie (16-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

Oh I am surprised!

----------


## Jaquaia

I've been getting quite good at pacing!!!

----------


## Angie

Thanks Jaq, got a call cancelled but as under 24 hrs notice still get paid so going to make a start shortly, this should be fun x

----------

Jaquaia (16-11-19)

----------


## Paula

Both of you are making me twitchy for studying.. I miss it

----------


## Angie

Awww is there anything you would want to study?

----------


## Jaquaia

The OU have loads of free courses on their Open Learn resource  :O:

----------


## Paula

I did a bible study course years ok, and finished 8 or 9 modules. The college has stopped doing them but my curate has a lot of the study books so is going to get them to me. I wont be able to get any qualifications but I just want to learn

----------


## Jaquaia

The OU do a Religious Studies degree if you wanted a qualification. http://www.open.ac.uk/courses/qualifications/r14-rs

----------


## Angie

Sounds like a plan Paula and I like Jaqs idea aswell x

----------


## Paula

> The OU do a Religious Studies degree if you wanted a qualification. http://www.open.ac.uk/courses/qualifications/r14-rs


Yes, I saw that a little while ago. It may be a possibility but I dont study for qualifications, I study to learn itms.

----------


## Angie

Makes perfect sense sweetie xx

----------


## Jaquaia

It does. You might find some of the open learn stuff interesting.

----------


## OldMike

> Yes, I saw that a little while ago. It may be a possibility but I don’t study for qualifications, I study to learn itms.


Makes perfect sense and is one of the best reasons for studying.

----------


## Mira

How are you doing today? You must be so happy its J day  :):

----------

Jaquaia (17-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

Morning love, how are you feeling?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tired and a little stiff. Just getting my stuff sorted to take to J's with me. Had my mum being her usual self on finding out J is working til Wednesday... "so just why are you staying then??" 
Erm...maybe because we get to have each evening together and I get a quiet and comfortable place to work during the day while he's working and some peace from having to do everything!

----------


## Suzi

Hope you have a great time. What time are you leaving?

----------


## Jaquaia

About 20 to 5. My mum is moaning about him not picking me up but he's working a 12 hour shift. I don't want him taking a 45 minute detour to collect me followed by a 40 minute drive home, not when I can get to him easily enough and he can pick me up from the station which isn't even a 5 minute drive from the signal box.

----------


## Mira

I am happy you are going to be with him soon. Its been a while and you are up for some good times with him. 

Is your mum always this way? She seems so off in what she is saying to you. About being there while he is working and About him picking you up. Its good to be out of that house for a while.

----------


## Jaquaia

Fairly often. I had this out with her the other day, reminded her that I am almost 36 years old and she needs to remember that and treat me like an adult. J offered to pick me up, it was me who said no.

----------


## Mira

That 's both of you being considerate. And its great when things go that way. You are right. You are an adult. A smart one at that. And more then capabele to do things the way you want to.

Sometimes it just feels as if your mum is a bit bitter.

----------


## Paula

Enjoy the peace and quiet

----------

Jaquaia (17-11-19)

----------


## Angie

Enjoy your time with J sweetie, xx

----------

Jaquaia (17-11-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Possibly so. I don't know. I think me living at home means she struggles to see me as an adult.

Love proving my dad wrong. They were saying about my brother not wanting to really take my mum to the hospital for her injections so I said if I was further on with my lessons I would take her. Jumped in straight away with no you won't, too expensive to put me on the insurance and when I said I don't need to go on the insurance, jumped in getting really arsey with me before I even had chance to explain about learners insurance. I got equally arsey back and said about learners insurance and said about taking a book to the hospital so I wasn't driving without a qualified driver. But it will backfire on him, because if he carries on then I won't be going on the insurance when I qualify either. If I take her she'll be going in my car.

----------


## Mira

That is a shame. You are an adult and it would be good to be treated like one.

And sounds like your dad did not want to listen in this instance. 

Enjoy your time with J  :):

----------

Jaquaia (17-11-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Thank you  :):

----------


## Suzi

Draw a line love and focus on enjoying your time with J..

----------

Jaquaia (17-11-19)

----------


## Mira

How are you feeling? Is it good being with J? I hope you can relax a bit more now.

----------


## Suzi

How you doing love?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm tired. I woke up with J's alarm and didn't get back to sleep. By half 8 I'd showered, had breakfast, emptied the dishwasher, fed the cat and been to the village shop! The rest of the day will be spent plodding through my assignment on the sofa! 

My study buddy!

----------


## Suzi

Nice sofa! Hello study buddy! 

Don't forget to drink!  :):

----------


## Mira

You were busy this morning. I do like getting things out of the way as soon as possible. And on the couch doing some studying is also an energy drainer. But I am sure your study buddy can help with that  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Toby is a little bugger. The back door is bricked up now so they need to use the patio doors to get out. As soon as the kitchen door was opened he tried to go and investigate! No you daft cat! Just gone up to check on him and he was asleep in a plastic box on top of the wardrobe!!!

----------


## Paula

Pretty cat  :(inlove):

----------


## Jaquaia

J calls him Judas as everytime I'm here he comes to me when J calls him  :(giggle):

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):  cats are fickle

----------


## Suzi

Lol! Bless him!

----------


## Angie

He is lovely and a typical cat lol

----------


## Jaquaia

Turns out the kitchen is being started on Thursday, except J says his parents didn't confirm that with him and I only found out yesterday afternoon. He's on 12 hour day shifts, his last one is tomorrow, so guess what I've ended up having to do?

So far come across 2 save the date magnets, their wedding cake knife and cake slice, a wedding present and a wedding present to her from her mum. It's been fun....

----------


## Paula

Can you not think about what it represents, and just think of it as crap that needs to be got rid of?

----------


## Jaquaia

Bit hard when I'm home alone and it's not my stuff to make that decision about. He's mentioned before whether he's unsure if he should keep it for the children

----------


## Mira

I can see why thats hard. And maybe not an ideal thing to be doing by yourself? Maybe together. I know he does not have a lot of time. But still.

----------


## Paula

> Bit hard when I'm home alone and it's not my stuff to make that decision about. He's mentioned before whether he's unsure if he should keep it for the children


I kept my wedding and engagement rings, and the wedding photo album for Katie and gave them to her when she was old enough. So I can understand why hed want to store some bits - but not that much

----------


## OldMike

Cats are gorgeous aren't they, especially black ones  :(inlove):

----------


## Jaquaia

> I kept my wedding and engagement rings, and the wedding photo album for Katie and gave them to her when she was old enough. So I can understand why he’d want to store some bits - but not that much


I've since found a photo album she gave him early on for Valentine's hidden in the pan cupboard... my day gets better.




> Cats are gorgeous aren't they, especially black ones


He is lovely, a little twat but lovely

----------


## Suzi

Hunni, I really think that this isn't your responsibility - surely he should be doing this. I know he's working, but maybe, just maybe he needs to either not go into work or actually stay up late and sort it. He appears to not be dealing with any of moving her stuff out unless you are prompting him or doing it for him..... The same as him not telling that children about you... You're a much more patient person than I am. I couldn't live like that....

I worry that you're not valuing yourself as important enough to be put first and counted.....

----------

Paula (19-11-19)

----------


## Paula

How are you doing, gorgeous?

----------


## Jaquaia

Much better today. Just got back from the hospital. I mentioned the stiffness though my bloods are the best they've ever been apparently so the RA seems to be under control. She ordered x-rays of my wrists and ankles, so had those done this morning, and she's sending me for ultrasounds too just to check, but she's going to look at reducing my meds if everything comes back ok. Oh, and apparently I'm hypermobile too! First I've ever heard of it! Then his mum and dad took me for lunch. They've given me my birthday present, 2 books signed to me from the authors!!! 

I got an email today telling me I've passed my level 1  :(party):  oh and I'm another 4kg (almost 9lbs) down!!!

----------


## Paula

Ah, welcome to the club  :O: 

 :(party):  congratulations, of course you passed though - never doubted it

And, blimey, therell be nothing of you!

----------

Jaquaia (20-11-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Thank you! I still have an awful lot of weight to lose but it's a bloody good start!!!

----------


## Mira

Sounds like the whole day is a win so far. How awesome you lost weight. Even if you still have some more to lose. Its great.

----------

Jaquaia (20-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

Wow that's amazing! Well done! You're amazing!

----------

Jaquaia (20-11-19)

----------


## Angie

Sounds like a really good day sweetie, congratulations on the pass and weight loss.

----------

Jaquaia (20-11-19)

----------


## Mira

How is the time you spend with J? Doing some fun stuff?

----------


## Jaquaia

We're going to the pub tonight!!! It's a proper village pub, there's even a duck pond in the village! That's how village-y it is!!! And perhaps the huge thing for me is I've been to the shop twice and walked across to his parents this morning and felt no anxiety. That's never happened to me somewhere I don't really know. It's been nice just being able to snuggle up with him in an evening though. I feel happy and peaceful here. And there was the most beautiful red sky tonight.

----------

OldMike (20-11-19)

----------


## Mira

Thats sounds wonderful. I am so happy you are having this experience. To me thats what its about. Feeling good and enjoying the time together.

I hope you have a great evening. Enjoy  :(nod):

----------

Jaquaia (20-11-19)

----------


## Angie

Aww am glad you having such a good time sweetie xx

----------

Jaquaia (20-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

So glad you're having a lovely time hunni...

----------

Jaquaia (20-11-19)

----------


## Paula

How was the pub?

----------


## Jaquaia

It was lovely! His dad's friends were really welcoming, I laughed so much. And the sky on the way back! It was so clear! I've never seen so many stars before, it was beautiful!

----------

OldMike (21-11-19)

----------


## Angie

Glad that you had a good time hunni x

----------


## Mira

Thats so nice. How wonderful you had such an evening.

----------

Jaquaia (21-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

I'm so pleased for you! You deserve nothing but wonderfulness

----------

Jaquaia (21-11-19)

----------


## Paula

Its wonderful to see you so happy!

----------

Jaquaia (21-11-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I've had a lovely day today. I've got some lovely gifts off James, my parents and his parents. I laughed so much when I unwrapped a bottle of matey bubble bath from James  :(rofl): . He took me to a lovely café in the Yorkshire Wolds for lunch and they do the best brownies!!! And if was my choice for tea when I got home! It's been quiet but for the first time in my life, I got to wake up on my birthday next to someone who loves me, next to someone who puts so much thought into my gifts that it often takes my breath away anf I feel so lucky and blessed.

----------

Strugglingmum (21-11-19)

----------


## Paula

Thats so lovely to hear  :):

----------

Jaquaia (21-11-19)

----------


## Angie

I'm so pleased for you sweetie xx

----------

Jaquaia (21-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

So thrilled for you lovely.

----------

Jaquaia (22-11-19)

----------


## Mira

Awesome. Sounds like a great time. And mmmm brownies. Me like  :):

----------

Jaquaia (22-11-19)

----------


## Mira

Hey Jaq, I am wondering how you are doing? I hope that since your birthday the days have been good.

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're having a lovely birthday weekend!

----------


## Jaquaia

It's been good! Went out for hot chocolate with Sarah on Friday and she stayed tea, we all went out for a meal yesterday at a lovely country pub and the food was amazing!!! She gets on really well with my parents! She's suggested taking Talia out somewhere before she goes home today. Socialising so much is exhausting though!

I got an email on my birthday telling me I've passed my level 1 in counselling, so extra present I wasn't expecting! I got some amazing presents, my mum and dad bought me the complete Luther boxset, the Librarian of Auschwitz, and book 4 and a book of short stories from the Miss Peregrine series. My brother bought me Six of Crows and Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo (me joining a book group on fb was dangerous as I'm finding so many recommendations  :(giggle): ). J's parents went to a literary event in Beverley a month or so back and attended talks by the authors Kate Ellis and Ann Cleeves. They only got them to personally sign books to me!!! Though Ann Cleeves got confused and wrote Happy Christmas  :(rofl): . And J was his usual amazing self. He took me into some of the bookshops in Beverley and asked if there were any books I actually wanted after saying I shouldn't buy any and I pointed out Cilka's Journey by Heather Morris and briefly mentioned being interested in reading some Philip Larkin. Well... he went back into Beverley and bought me Cilka's Journey. And the complete works of Philip Larkin. And The Desert Spear by Peter V. Brett. And a Mark Morriss album. And a Bluetones live CD that I never even knew existed. And a bottle of bubble bath! 
I feel very lucky and spoilt but my to read piles are starting to wobble...  :(giggle):

----------

Paula (24-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

That's such a brilliant post!

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh and I have a 2 week extension for the essay due tomorrow after actually telling my tutor that the pain I've had in my hands and wrists has affected how long I could actually sit and work for!

----------


## Suzi

I'm so glad that you told them! Well done love!

OO I got some of thermoskin gloves - they're so weird! But they do indeed help. Thank you.

----------


## Jaquaia

They're brilliant and so much easier to type in than my splints!

----------

Suzi (24-11-19)

----------


## Angie

Aww an amazing post x

----------


## Suzi

Very much so!

----------


## Paula

> Oh and I have a 2 week extension for the essay due tomorrow after actually telling my tutor that the pain I've had in my hands and wrists has affected how long I could actually sit and work for!


I am so proud of you!

----------


## Jaquaia

I just tried to be sensible

----------


## Suzi

You are amazing!

----------


## Mira

That was sensible. And that shows self care. And I love it  :): 

How is the coming week looking for you?

----------


## Jaquaia

I have the washing to do and an assignment due in on Thursday. Going for lunch with J tomorrow though.

----------


## Suzi

Can you do it pacing style?

----------


## Jaquaia

I can try. My essay looks really interesting, 1000 words on the role of the biopsychosocial model in diagnosis of depression

----------


## Suzi

Sounds interesting!

----------


## OldMike

> I can try. My essay looks really interesting, 1000 words on the role of the biopsychosocial model in diagnosis of depression


 :Hedgehog:  Simples  :(giggle):  I'm sure you'll ace it  :(nod):

----------


## Suzi

How's the pacing going?

----------


## Jaquaia

Last wash is in but only just had chance to sit down and start my assignment...

----------


## Suzi

How come? What happened to pacing?

----------


## Jaquaia

Showered while the first wash was in. Had lunch when I put the 2nd wash in and finished my book, then put the last wash in  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

OK, I'll let you off then!  :):

----------


## Paula

How are you doing this evening?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've made a good start on my assignment so put it away anf reading for a bit

----------

OldMike (26-11-19),Paula (25-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

Good for you lovely!

----------


## Jaquaia

J took me out for lunch today and I went and picked up my certificate and feedback on my essay. My feedback is excellent, much better than I expected but I'm actually feeling really proud of myself.

----------


## Mira

Oh how pleased I am to hear that. It is truly something to be proud of. And it lands even better if you feel that too. Congratulations on your certificate. 

How was the lunch? And I hope the rest of the day was as lovely.

----------

Jaquaia (26-11-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

It was lovely! We get pizza from a place in the indoor market and it's absolutely gorgeous! We grabbed a few stocking fillers for the kids too and I got some sleepsuits and scratch mitts for Eleanor for Christmas. They have dinosaurs and unicorns on!!!

----------

OldMike (27-11-19),Strugglingmum (26-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

Can't beat dinosaurs and unicorns! 

Well done on your feedback - you are amazing!

----------

Jaquaia (26-11-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

James is amazing!!! I finished one of the books he bought me for my birthday yesterday and told him I loved it. The 3rd book in the series arrived today and it was a total surprise!  :(inlove):

----------


## Paula

Well done you!

----------


## Mira

Thats great. And you are both amazing in my book  :):

----------


## Suzi

Aww! 

How are you today love? Can you work on drinking today?

----------


## Jaquaia

Working on drinking. Had 2 glasses so far. Not great but better than yesterday. Lots of working today and tomorrow. I'm 700 words through a 1000 word evaluation table and then have a 1000 word essay on mental illness diagnosis to write by midnight tomorrow. Plus a tutorial tonight, The Apprentice and a driving lesson first thing!

----------

OldMike (27-11-19)

----------


## Mira

That is a lot. But you are doing good work. I hope you are proud of yourself. I know I am.

And saying you are working on drinking is good. You will get there. Baby steps.

----------


## Jaquaia

Yeah so I haven't just come upstairs to cry...

J has told Thomas about me...

----------


## magie06

That's wonderful news. How did he take it?

----------

Jaquaia (27-11-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

J said he seemed ok about it but I'll find out what was said later. I'm in shock. I honestly didn't think they'd know about me before Christmas and now I'm worrying about what T thinks and what Cruella will say when she finds out and terrified of the next step which is meeting them and worried J only told him because he felt pressured.

To quote J, I'm being a right Kerry!

----------


## Paula

Thats brilliant news! It really, really is! This is the next (rather important) step towards the rest of your life. T will be fine, especially when he meets you and sees how wonderful you are and how happy you make J.  And, tbh, if feeling pressured is the reason J finally told him, hes told him, thats what really matters  :):

----------

Jaquaia (27-11-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

You know what I'm like! I wasn't expecting him to tell him today and it's completely thrown me. 

No idea how the hell I'm going to make it through our vows with how easily I cry now!!!

----------


## Paula

:(giggle):  I love how thats not just me anymore

----------

Jaquaia (27-11-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm going to have pockets put into my dress so I can have tissues on me!!!

----------


## Suzi

That's awesome!!!! So pleased for you!

----------

Jaquaia (27-11-19)

----------


## Mira

I am so pleased with this. I can totaly see why you could worry about things. But this is a great step in the right direction. Perfect.

----------

Jaquaia (27-11-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

800 words to go!!! Send chocolate!!!

----------


## Suzi

*sending bucket loads of chocolate*

----------


## Jaquaia

Decided to put it away for tonight. I'll have all afternoon and evening tomorrow to finish it.

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like a sensible plan  :O:

----------


## Mira

Good idea. Today turned out to be an eventfull day.

----------


## Mira

How are you today? Did you hear anything about it went?

----------


## Paula

Hey, lovely. Youre quiet .....

----------


## Jaquaia

Driving lesson, J popped to see me for an hour and was here waiting when Bob dropped me back. Half hour phone call with OU student support so they could check how I'm doing with full time study. Currently stuffing my face with a chocolate orange to get me through this essay!!!

PS... I did a turn in the road!!!

----------


## Suzi

That all sounds so positive! 

Can I ask a question? I know J has told T - how old are the kids? (Sorry can't remember anything today) and what about telling his little princess?

----------


## Jaquaia

T is 10 on Christmas Day and A is 5 in February. He told T in front of A but she was in a world of her own playing on the tablets in McDonald's. He thinks it will be easier just introducing her to me. 

It turns out they've already met her bloke, and a few times by the sounds of things and she's trying to sort out them meeting his daughter. She hasn't said anything about it and strangely enough, kicked right off at him last night about having a new kitchen fitted, threatened him with going for full custody if he moves. Part of me thinks it won't last as she's too obsessed with what J is up to for someone who is supposed to be moving on. 

T isn't keen on him having a daughter. He seemed quite impressed by the fact we met at uni and asked if I had children. J said he told him that he thinks he prefers it that I don't have children and then asked if I like trains!  :(giggle): . J told him I didn't have the same interest but he liked that I like the railway museum and going on trains and told him that I took him on the NYMR when he went last month. Apparently me liking books is a bonus too!

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OldMike (29-11-19)

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## magie06

Those kids are in for a brilliant surprise when you meet them. They are smart enough to ask all the important questions and it won't be long before you are train spotting and reading books together. 
As for Cruella I wouldn't worry about her in the least. It will be you putting the Christmas tree up in that sitting room, it will be you pulling the crackers around that table and you will have loads and loads and loads of nights snuggled up in front of that fire. 
Her days are over, and you should feel smug that you love J and she doesn't know what she's missing.

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Jaquaia (28-11-19),Suzi (28-11-19)

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## Jaquaia

She's let an amazing, kind, caring man go and her loss is my gain. And we're building a beautiful home together, ready for when I move in. My past means I truly appreciate how wonderful he is, even if he can be hard work at times. 

I'm already thinking of books I can introduce Thomas to! I love the fact that he's made sure they're both readers.

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OldMike (29-11-19)

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## Suzi

I've said it all along, those children are going to be the luckiest children in the world having you in their lives. You are kind, compassionate, caring, intelligent, wonderful, funny and adoring. You are fantastic!

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Jaquaia (28-11-19)

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## Jaquaia

You brought tears to my eyes with that. I don't see myself as anything special, I never have. I'm scared that they'll hate me. I'm scared that when she finds out they know about me she will try and turn them against me and I hate being scared all the time. I hate not knowing. 

It did amuse me that James put his dad on the spot last night. He said the look on his face when he walked in and J said to Thomas "Grandpa likes Kerry! You can ask him"  :(giggle):

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OldMike (29-11-19)

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## Paula

That sounds so positive. Tbh, love, the only way to stop her trying to turn them against you would be to meet them ASAP. Let them make their own minds up

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Jaquaia (28-11-19),Suzi (28-11-19)

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## Mira

I agree. The children will be so happy with you. No plotting or plans or weirdness. But more of the normal stuff. Caring about people and making a home instead of wrecking things. And thats going to be a stable Enjoyable factor. And that will be because of you both. And love ofcourse.

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Paula (28-11-19),Suzi (28-11-19)

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## Suzi

> You brought tears to my eyes with that. I don't see myself as anything special, I never have. I'm scared that they'll hate me. I'm scared that when she finds out they know about me she will try and turn them against me and I hate being scared all the time. I hate not knowing. 
> 
> It did amuse me that James put his dad on the spot last night. He said the look on his face when he walked in and J said to Thomas "Grandpa likes Kerry! You can ask him"


Those children aren't going to know what's hit them. Someone who actually cares about them, what's going on in their lives, what they think, what they are doing, someone to reassure them when things are hard, a constant support.... Honestly I can't imagine anyone better.... 
Strike while the iron's hot - suggest to J that you get to meet them soon! Maybe set up a picnic with a trip to the railway museum?

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## magie06

I agree. It's time to pull that nettle and get the first meeting over and done with. You are going to be nervous, the kids will be nervous and J will be nervous. But next week it's December and the children will be practicing for a school play of some sort. The excitement of Christmas will hit them and surely it's better to meet them sooner rather than later?

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Suzi (28-11-19)

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## Jaquaia

I'll just have to wait and see when he decides to arrange me meeting them.

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## Paula

Theres nothing stopping you gently encouraging .....

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## Jaquaia

It never gets me anywhere

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## Paula

Really? Or do you really not see that, even if he says no, it still tends to happen anyway ....

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## Jaquaia

To be honest, after all the "it has to be right for the children" I'm wondering what about me? He said about logistics and him working but I pointed out he has the 2 weekends before Christmas off... "maybe"

I hate not knowing. It makes me feel like everyone has control over my life but me.

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## Paula

Then maybe you need to take some control and insist that this is the right thing to do before Christmas. The kids are important but so are you.

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## Mira

Paula does make a good point. You are important too. So you should be able to voice your thoughts and ideas.

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## Suzi

> To be honest, after all the "it has to be right for the children" I'm wondering what about me? He said about logistics and him working but I pointed out he has the 2 weekends before Christmas off... "maybe"


I can totally see why you are feeling like that. I agree, what about you? You are important and you matter. 




> I hate not knowing. It makes me feel like everyone has control over my life but me.


You need to take back some of that control. I'm not sure why you two aren't living together already, why things haven't moved forward with the children etc.... I don't understand why he's dragging his heels on all of this. 




> Then maybe you need to take some control and insist that this is the right thing to do before Christmas. The kids are important but so are you.


Ahh, see Paula and I agree!  :):

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## Jaquaia

How can we live together when the children have only just found out about me and it sounds like I won't be meeting them any time soon? Though apparently she's already at the stage where he's staying over when she has the children and looking after them on his own...

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## Paula

Then insist on meeting them. Hes not the only one that gets to decide your future!

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## Mira

I think Paula is right. 

There is a time and place for everything. But this feels like something that should be one of the first things to do. It is better for everybody. I remember people always saying that kids are flexible. And that is true but only so far. And this is a big change for everybody. 

You wrote as a reply that it never gets you anywhere. That sounded so sad to me. You are with the man you love and you made some great plans. But you are doing that together. And now it feels as if you are a bit more in the background in this situation. And I do think its best for everyone if you meet as soon as possible.

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Paula (29-11-19),Suzi (29-11-19)

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## Suzi

Have you asked him why he's so reluctant to move things forward? I agree, you do sound sad and almost accepting of the situation...

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## Jaquaia

He said he's trying to work out the best way to do it for everyone

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## Paula

The only best way where kids are concerned is to not question their intelligence and just get on it. T is 10, loads of his friends will be in the same situation and he will start to question why he hasnt met you

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## Jaquaia

Well she's rushing things. They've stayed at his a few times and they're meeting his daughter on saturday and Thomas is struggling with it. But as I pointed out, I'm not expecting to be staying over within a month... 

He said he wants me to meet them before Christmas, he's just working out the best way to do it for everyone.

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## Mira

Somehow it feels to me as if it is waiting for the perfect timing. But that is not going to happen. So the best thing is to do it. I can imagine that the kids are now also waiting on meeting you more often and may even be curious. So why wait.

That being said I can see how this must be for you. And how you might not want to push or pressure anything. I just want to see you happy and free of worries  :Panda:

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Jaquaia (29-11-19),magie06 (29-11-19),Suzi (29-11-19)

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## Jaquaia

Thank you

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## Paula

Itll be the daughter thats worrying him the most - its a different situation. Once hes met you, hell realise its all going to be ok. Mira is right, there is no best way, it just has to be done

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## Suzi

You must be feeling horrific with this... So torn. I wish I could wave a magic wand... What about meeting at somewhere the kids love for a day out so they have chance to get to know you without it being forced etc?

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## Jaquaia

I'm finding it very difficult. He said he's struggling to understand why I'm unhappy when they know about me now and said about being sorry if things aren't going as quickly as I'd like but it isn't about that. It's that I've been a secret for 2 years now and then have to hear about how they've not only met him but are doing all sorts with him. I've proved I'm here for the long haul yet someone who has been around for 5 minutes is already in their lives. It makes me wonder what is so wrong with me

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## Mira

That is what I would think too. So I understand how you are thinking about it. 

You have shown that you are there for the long haul. And that there is no reason to think otherwise. There is nothing wrong with you. It seems your partner has an idea on how he wants to do it and thats in his comfortzone. But if that is what is best for everybody? Maybe not for the children and certainly not for you. 

But this is never in a million years about something being wrong with you.

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## Paula

Nothings wrong with you. She obviously cares less about how this will affect the kids than J does - which is why you love him. But, theres a narrow margin between being careful and procrastinating unnecessarily because hes afraid of how the kids react. I believe hes being too careful, and I think deep down so do you, but theyre his kids. So you just need to work on him a bit ....

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## Suzi

I would be thinking the same. BUT as an outsider it's easier for me to say things as I see it and I'm sorry if I ever upset or offend you.... Thing is, I can't see any negatives for them to have you in their lives at all. My kids know about you, and we're trying to find a way that I can sort it to come up to The Deep and meet up with you - because you are amazing. You really are so fabulous and I truly am really proud to know you and have you in my life and my children's lives. I know it's very different, but honestly I can't see why he's stalling and actually I think you're going to have to tell him how bad it's making you feel.... You can't build a  relationship on not telling things to each other... At least then you'll know one way or another...

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## Jaquaia

He knows. He could hear how upset I was on the phone. He said about me not being a secret anymore so I asked him how many of his friends apart from 4 know about me... not many. If they do then it's through gossip at work. I'm just so tired at the moment. 

I'm really touched by that Suzi!

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## Suzi

Don't know why, you are really important and special and I truly am honoured to know you. I know that you'd be brilliant with H and her anxiety and I also know you'd sit and listen to F as she talked 100 miles an hour about everything she saw....

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Jaquaia (29-11-19)

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## Mira

wss, 100%

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Jaquaia (29-11-19),Suzi (29-11-19)

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## Jaquaia

A huge part of me feels like I'm overreacting and making things more difficult

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## Mira

I do not think you are overreacting. This is how you feel. And feelings are important. And most of the time they are good indicators. And I do think you have a good sense.

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Jaquaia (29-11-19)

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## Paula

Overreacting? I know Im a drama queen but I think youre underreacting. In your situation, Id be jumping up and down. But, youre not me and thats not how you do things. However, J does seem (from everything youve said) to do everything very, very carefully which is sometimes a good thing. But sometimes its not .....

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## Suzi

Overreacting? Definitely not! This is important. It's not just about him and his kids, it's about your future too love and mostly about your heart and emotions....

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## Mira

How are things today?

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## Jaquaia

Things are ok. Feeling a little flat. I've made him narrow meeting the children down to before they go back to school. Apparently Thomas has asked a fair few questions about me and J said he seems to be much more comfortable about me than he is with her partner.

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## Mira

Sending a  :(bear):  for how you are feeling. 

Its good you put meeting the children before going back to school. When is that? I bet those days are different here. And I would be curious too and ask questions. But that also means he is interested. 

From what you told us I can truly believe why he would be more comfortable around you then around her partner. For one I can believe that the atmosphere is way more relaxed on your side of the family. And I think you have a good effect on people as well. So those are all good signs.

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Jaquaia (30-11-19)

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## Suzi

When do they go back to school?

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## Jaquaia

7th January. I've suggested my meeting them for lunch and maybe a day out the week after

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## Suzi

But that's not till after Christmas..... I thought that's what you were hoping for?

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## Jaquaia

J's work pattern means he's off both weekends before Christmas but not a huge amount after Christmas

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## Paula

> J's work pattern means he's off both weekends before Christmas but not a huge amount after Christmas


Sorry, I dont get the significance. Surely itd be better to meet them when hes got more time off work, not less?

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## Jaquaia

Well he said before they go back to school but the bulk of his time off is before Christmas so it's more likely to be then. Sorry, I wasn't clear. A bit too absorbed in my book!  :(giggle):

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Paula (01-12-19)

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## Mira

I was just wondering if its going to be something that will be planned. Or if its going to be a spur of the moment?

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## Suzi

I'm glad it's going to be sooner rather than later... 

What's on your agenda for today?

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## Jaquaia

Well what I've suggested is me meeting them for lunch before Christmas and having a day out with them after Christmas. I've even suggested that Thomas choose somewhere so he feels more in control and said about getting them to choose somewhere for a day out and get them to show me around. I've pointed out that they need to see me regularly to get used to me and that I have never wanted to start staying over straight away, not even for the first 2/3 months dependent on the children, I just wanted a time frame to feel less like my life depended on others decisions. 

Today will be mainly studying, though apparently my sister is popping down. Wonder if I get an apology for not getting a birthday card...

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Suzi (01-12-19)

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## Paula

Thats sounds like an excellent plan with the kids.

Not even a birthday card???

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## Jaquaia

Nope! Got a message a couple of days before my birthday apologising that they couldn't afford me a present as her bf was getting made redundant and they've had his niece and her son living with them who couldn't contribute as there were issues getting her benefits sorted. I told her it wouldn't be an issue as long as I get a card. Apparently she was sending it with my brother the day after my birthday (extremely rare that I get a card/present in time for my birthday from him either, it's always late...). She's also seen our parents twice since too. Other then a brief happy birthday message I've heard nothing. Just tells me how little she thinks of me...

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## Paula

Im sorry, love  :Panda:

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Jaquaia (01-12-19)

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## Jaquaia

I'm used to it

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## Mira

Getting used to it is a shame. Nobody should treat a close family member that way. I think its nasty and disrespectful. Even more so since you are such a good person.

I hate when these things happen.

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Jaquaia (01-12-19)

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## Suzi

:(bear):  I'm sorry lovely....

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Jaquaia (01-12-19)

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## Mira

Hey you, its way to silent. How are you doing?

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## Jaquaia

I'm struggling a little, have been for a while

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## Mira

Do you want to talk about it?

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## Jaquaia

I think everything has got on top of me. J is worried I'm getting ill again but I'm able to shower every day still and that's a big indicator with me. When I can't be bothered to do that then I'm really struggling

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## Mira

Ok so its good that you have that. I hope you are taking extra care of yourself at the moment. We do want you to feel as good as possible  :Panda:

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Jaquaia (03-12-19)

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## Paula

When you say everything, whats the biggest stress atm?

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## Jaquaia

Uni I think. Followed by living here, not knowing when I'm meeting the children (he's looking at the 14th, he only has one day off this weekend and is at Abbie's dance show), learning to drive, well... mainly me measuring myself against others, and today I'm tired and have sharp shooting pains up my forearm. My parents bought Talia a pack of treats and they've gone straight through her. 3am I was up cleaning up after her and stripping her bedding. Then again at 6am as she needed to go out...

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## Paula

Would it help to put off your next driving lesson to take that pressure off? What are you comparing yourself to?

As to when youre meeting the kids, while I think its important that you meet hem sooner rather than later now they know about you, try to remember that, up to last week, a meeting wasnt even on the cards. Things are moving, lovely

Uni - I know youve got a plan of what youre doing when, and Im willing to bet youre actually doing ok time wise, but if it gets too much please contact the uni to get extensions. They already know you may need a little more time but they will only be able to help you if they know whats going on

Living there - the ends in sight  :(bear):

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Jaquaia (03-12-19)

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## Jaquaia

I get 2 weeks off over Christmas and it's actually quite therapeutic talking to Bob. It's me. I can't help thinking that after 8 months I should be driving home by now and be almost ready for my test yet I've only just learnt how to do a turn in the road. Bob always tells me that I will get there in my own time and I'm doing really well but you know what I'm like.

It's more having no idea what is happening when. It took me forever to get him to narrow it down to before they go back to school after Christmas. And then I ended up snapping at J today. He was telling me how his dad doesn't think we should be full on as Thomas is struggling with it with her (J has said it too) and my response was "I'm not an idiot". I know I need to build a relationship and let them get used to me. I know the best way is to take things slow and steady with them, but I can't do anything about it when I feel like I'm a marginal part of his life.

I'm about 6 weeks behind for one module. Planning on using Christmas break to catch up as much as possible 

Fingers crossed

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## Suzi

You know as well as anyone does that it takes different lengths for time for different people to do certain things. It takes as long as it takes. I know it's tough, but hey you know it's true... 
I'm glad that you snapped at him, maybe he'll realise how much you need this so you know where you stand. It must be so hard being in a kind of limbo - if you're already feeling like you're a "marginal part of his life" then actually you need to tell him that. You are deserving of so much more - to be the centre of someone's world, and to feel like it too. 

Jaq love, stop bottling it up, talk to us. We are all on your side and we all love and adore you completely.

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Jaquaia (03-12-19)

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## Jaquaia

I have told him and he tells me I'm a huge part of his life. He took me out for lunch today and we went and chose paint and tiles for the kitchen together, then spent an hour cuddled up. It was nice just being held and feeling safe and protected. 

I know my mood isn't great at the moment and hasn't been for a few weeks. I'm just hoping it will pass as there isn't anything my doctor can do for me and I don't really want to go back to counselling again.

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## Paula

It will pass. Youre dealing with a lot of emotional stuff right now, as well as all the course stuff so its not surprising its taking its toll. Jaq, its normal to feel crap about all of this - anyone would, whether they suffered from depression or not. Give yourself a break .....

As for the driving, a year ago you never even imagined youd be learning to drive. And you are, driving that is

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Jaquaia (03-12-19)

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## Mira

I can see why you are a big part of his life. And having a moment like you had with him is great. And should happen as often as possible  :): 

The feeling I have is that you are doing your best. And thats great. I am hoping your mood will pick up soon. Because you should not be put down by it. 

 :Panda:

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Jaquaia (03-12-19)

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## Jaquaia

My fb memories tell me that I started driving a year ago. I'm glad I didn't let those lessons put me off. One of the things I said was I survived though had major anxiety and a lot of panic. I've felt pretty calm and comfortable with Bob from the very first lesson. I know I'll get there, everything just feels hard at the moment. When I spoke to the OU they did tell me I'm entitled to individual support sessions with my tutor so that's another option for me with uni.

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## magie06

Please remember to breathe. It took me over a year of driving lessons to learn how to drive. And I failed my test first time around. Don't panic, you're doing great. 
As for the emotional stuff, try to deal with the stuff in your control. Remember you can't control all of what's around you, you can only control how you deal with it.
Love you hunni and wish I could be there to give you a big hug.  :(bear):

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Jaquaia (04-12-19)

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## Suzi

Will you take up those extra sessions at uni if you need to?

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## Paula

> Will you take up those extra sessions at uni if you need to?


Im seconding that....

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## Jaquaia

I'm going to get my assignment out of the way and then email my tutor I think.

You guys are all awesome.

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## Suzi

We just love you Jaq! 

How are you today love?

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Jaquaia (04-12-19)

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## Jaquaia

I'm tired and still a bit flat, feels like I'm wading through treacle at the moment, but I'm still able to do things. I'll take that.

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## Mira

You have a lot on your plate. But I know you can get through it. You have come so far and are doing wonderful. These rough days are just that. Rough days. Better days are on the way.

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Jaquaia (04-12-19)

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## Paula

Step by step today, love

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Jaquaia (04-12-19)

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## Jaquaia

I will. Popping out with my parents so going to grab the chocolate for people's Christmas presents, then just going to plod quietly through my essay.

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## Suzi

How are you doing love?

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## Jaquaia

Plodding. Went shopping with my dad (left my mum with the car while the tyres were changed) and bought so much chocolate for Christmas, as well as chocolate to replace the Christmas chocolate that I ate... heading home now so lunch and then seeing where I'm up to with my essay.

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## Paula

Hows your mood?

----------


## Jaquaia

Flat and irritable. I'm clenching my jaw a lot too. Staying at J's for a couple of days so I'll get some peace at least, and I finally get to leave toiletries at his so a little excited about that!!!

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## Mira

Thats nice, makes it feel a bit more like yours. 

How are you now? Are you taking care of yourself?

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## Jaquaia

I'm doing ok. Wrapped a few presents for my parents, ordered a few more so pretty much finished my families presents, well... just need to sort my dads but Talia has lots of treats! I'm getting J's mum a large kalanchoe or cyclamen, not decided yet. Need to finish J's off and get his dad something and I'm sorted. Wrapping while I watch the football but need to work on my essay. Though I could work on that for a couple of hours tomorrow and Saturday afternoon/sunday once I'm back.

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## Suzi

Well done for getting sorted! You're far more organised than I am (although I'm doing fairly well!)  :O:  
I'm concerned by your flat mood love...

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## Jaquaia

So is J...

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## Paula

Toiletries is a great step  :): 

Just a thought, is it TOTM?

----------


## Suzi

I was wondering the same thing....

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## Jaquaia

No, that was 2 weeks ago. I'm putting it down to reaching my limit and being overwhelmed

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## Suzi

That's understandable... What can we/I do to help?

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## Jaquaia

I'm not sure. Hopefully Christmas will allow me to catch up with uni work and take a weight off my mind.

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  :(bear):  :(bear):

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## Paula

How are you  feeling?

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## magie06

Morning sunshine. How are things today? Did you sleep well?

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## Jaquaia

Not hugely well. I fell asleep after midnight, when I woke up my bed looked like I'd been doing fun stuff so I was restless, and I knocked my phone charger out so my phone died. No alarm meant I woke up in a panic at 8am. Not feeling 100% today anyway so never drove halfway home as I started feeling sick, but I did practice turn in the roads again, refreshed on hill starts and angled starts, learnt how to set off quicker. My 2nd turn in the road was even independent! Amd my lesson before Christmas will be night time driving as it's 3.30-5.30! So not driving home before Christmas but doing new stuff!

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## Paula

I know youre anxious about the length of time youve been learning to drive but every lesson youre doing more and pushing yourself further. No teacher could ever ask for more from their students

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## Jaquaia

We were discussing that this morning and how me being a book learner rather than a practical learner will affect me too.

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## Suzi

I think you're doing amazingly well lovely. So very proud of you x

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Jaquaia (05-12-19)

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## Jaquaia

I have birthday cards!!! Scarlett helped me start the chocolates that came with them! And volunteered me to change her rather soggy nappy!

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Suzi (05-12-19)

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## Paula

:(rofl):

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## Jaquaia

"Who's doing your nappy? Mummy or daddy?"
"Kerry!!!"

Guess it's me then! And then she nicked my small Donald Duck teddy!!! And my bus fare!!!! Currently sat on the platform at the station waiting for my train to meet J after work. He's keeping an eye on my train as he likes to know how far away I am. After 2 years I find that really sweet  :(inlove):

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## Suzi

That is sweet! 
I'm so glad you had a good time!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm sat in Bridlington railway station wearing a hoodie. It's cold. I need to start wearing a scarf too as I'm sat here shivering!!!

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## Suzi

OOO sending you warm air.... Mind you I think there's nowhere colder than a train platform!

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## Mira

That must be cold. At least you are going to see J. That makes it worth while  :): 

But bringing a scarf and maybe gloves is a good idea from now on I would think. Going to work on my bycicle this morning was real cold without a scarf.

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## Jaquaia

That sounds even colder!

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## Paula

Morning, hunni, how are you?

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## Mira

It is real cold everywhere now brrrrr. How is your day so far?

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## Jaquaia

So far I have fed the cat, fed myself, changed a lightshade and put up a bookcase! Having a rest then going to do some more

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## Suzi

Wow, you've been busy! Where's the bookcase going?

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## Jaquaia

I'm sorting out at J's while he's at work. After 12 hour shifts he's too to do it and after 12 hour nights his sleep pattern is all over the place so he's getting the benefits of my organisational skills! Put up another unit and sorted the kids wooden train set out! 

It would have been so much easier if his parents hadn't arranged everything at once but stuff has been arranged with not much notice and not enough time to declutter first.

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## Suzi

You're sorting out his stuff? You're a braver woman than me, I tried looking through Marc's stuff when we moved in together and lots of the little bits of paper I thought were rubbish were really important to him lol and I know I keep hold of things that'll just look like rubbish to others lol...

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## Jaquaia

Another bookcase up!!! Only putting the stacks of books back. He can sort them out when he's off! And finishing off putting the kitchen back.

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Suzi (06-12-19)

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## magie06

Putting the kitchen back?? Please explain?

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## Suzi

> Another bookcase up!!! Only putting the stacks of books back. He can sort them out when he's off! And finishing off putting the kitchen back.


Lol! That makes more sense - but are you moving around pans and stuff? What happened to resting and being kind to you?

----------


## Jaquaia

Magie, J's parents arranged for his kitchen to be replaced, with the way his shifts have fallen, he's not had chance to get it all put back yet.

Suzi, he did all the pans and the heavy stuff. I'm more finding homes for the nick nacks

----------


## Mira

You are doing lots of work. I do get the feeling you are enjoying it. So that sounds great.

----------


## magie06

I hope you are resting now!!

----------


## Suzi

Glad he did the heavy stuff! Hope you are having a lovely evening!

----------


## Mira

How was your evening? And are you doing something nice this weekend?

----------


## Paula

Morning! Whats the plans for today?

----------


## Jaquaia

Just got home. J is at work so he asked his parents to drop me off and they took me for lunch first  :):  going to work on my essay for the rrst of the day.

----------

OldMike (07-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

That was nice! Did you enjoy the lunch? How's the essay going?

----------


## Jaquaia

I haven't actually got my laptop out yet... 

Well... next Saturday I'm going out for lunch with J, his parents and the children... to say I'm already nervous is the understatement of the century...

----------


## Suzi

OO where are you going? 
I can understand you being nervous, but.... You know he loves you, his parents love you and that you are going to be loved by the children! You could take them something to start a conversation about - a book on something or a model of something etc? Might break the ice?

----------

Jaquaia (07-12-19)

----------


## Mira

That would leave me nervous too. But I am in no way worried about next saturday for you. J loves you to bits and as I recall his parents are big fans too. You are the breath of fresh air that family needed after that trainwreck of an ex.

You are great.

----------

Jaquaia (07-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

We're going here https://www.facebook.com/fiddledrill/

We were talking about it at lunch today and his mum said it might be better just telling him what we're doing as he'll dither and avoid things out of stress. So that's the plan. He can pick me up after Abbie's dance class and his parents will meet us there after Thomas's hair cut. His dad has asked Thomas how he feels about meeting me and he said he's ok with it. His mum just said about keeping displays of affection to a minimum as Cruella is always kissing and cuddling with this new guy and Thomas doesn't like it. To be fair, I'm not an idiot. Cruella and her new guy may think it's acceptable for him to be staying over when he's only just met them and looking after them before they've had chance to get used to him, but I actually think about others before myself and aren't about to be all over their dad at first meeting!

----------


## Paula

When Katies step mum was due to meet her, step mum was terrified that this 3 year old was going to reject her out of hand so she decided to take some sweets with her. She held out her hand and said to Katie hi, Im Paula, to which Katie responded no youre not thats my mums name and youre not my mum!  Paula just shoved the sweets at Katie in panic. Despite that little hiccup, the meeting went really well and theyve been the best of friends ever since.

You dont have that issue and Im confident that your meeting them will go really well, and youll become best of friends with both of them

----------

Jaquaia (07-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm scared. All I keep hearing is how Thomas is an unhappy little boy at the moment and it makes me wonder how he'll react to someone else coming in and taking up his dads attention and the fact that he's waited so long to introduce me hasn't helped things. 

I should be able to meet them twice before Christmas and I've been debating buying them a book but would that be too much? They both love books and it would only be a few pounds each but then I'm doubting myself. My reasoning behind it is to show them I care enough to have learned about them, I know they both love books, gifting books makes me happy too but I can't help thinking it's too much and I'll be accused of trying to buy them... I bought by sisters step-children after meeting them roughly the same amount of times so it's not something out of character for me. And his mum and dad bought me a birthday present after meeting me once! I'm just constantly questionning my reasoning and driving myself crazy in the process

----------


## Mira

It is good that you share this with us. We might not be able to take your doubts away but we can say what we think about it. If you do not mind.

I think its nice that you are hearing a lot about how things are for them. But I truly believe that you are going to do best if you are yourself. I think this is not going to be easy for any of you. But as soon as they get to know you and see that things are not forced it will relax. I am sure they will notice if you do things to adapt to suit others. Even more if its something you would never do. So my advice would really be just be you. 

That goes for the gift too. When I think of you the thought of books is not far behind. And if they love books its a good way to connect to them. Thats not buying them. That is sharing something everybody likes.

----------

Jaquaia (07-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

My first thought is that the place you are going seems very grown up. But actually I think you getting them something would be great. I think it would show you care, show you know what they like and are into and also wanted to talk to them too... They are going to be just as nervous as you. Remember you're amazing.

----------

Jaquaia (07-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

They've been there several times and really like the cake from there which is why his mum suggested it I think.

----------


## Suzi

Everybody likes cake! The cake does look good!

----------

Jaquaia (07-12-19)

----------


## Paula

Do they know how long you and J have been together then?

Kids always love presents and a book is a great idea. Stop second guessing what is a lovely gesture!

----------

Jaquaia (07-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Not that I'm aware ...

----------


## Suzi

How old are they? I'd always advocate something that engages everyone in conversation - something simple like Where's Wally or Captain Underpants  :O:

----------


## magie06

You will be amazing with them. Why? Because you are amazing here, kind, thoughtful, warm. You can't help it! You're not going to be any different with them. You're going to be nervous, the kids will be nervous, but if everyone is in the same boat, then things will ease after a few minutes. 
The books are a beautiful thoughtful idea.

----------

Jaquaia (07-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Thomas is 10 on Christmas Day and Abbie is 5 in February. I was wondering about "The Witches" and "The Twits" for Thomas, and something like "I need a new bum" for Abbie

----------


## Paula

> Not that I'm aware ...


Then why are you worried about Ts reaction to how long its taken to introduce you all?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not T's reaction, that's a me reaction

----------


## Suzi

> Thomas is 10 on Christmas Day and Abbie is 5 in February. I was wondering about "The Witches" and "The Twits" for Thomas, and something like "I need a new bum" for Abbie


Those are great ideas!

----------


## Paula

> Not T's reaction, that's a me reaction


Why does that worry you?

----------


## Jaquaia

He's waited a long time to introduce me to everyone. It's not pleasant feeling like a secret for so long. It makes me wonder what's wrong with me. He says I'm a huge part of his life but how can I be when he's kept me so separate from everything and everyone else? Feeling like a dirty little secret for so long won't disappear overnight

----------


## Paula

Hunni, youre getting what youve wanted for so long, can you try to focus on that?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm trying but how am I meant to take it when he seems to be reluctant to introduce me to the people who are important to him? When even though he knows it's starting to upset me, he still drags his feet and avoids doing anything about it? 

At the moment I just feel like I'm wrong to feel like I do about anything

----------


## Mira

I dont think your feelings are wrong. It is what you feel. And you can discribe them really well. I am sure you brought it up with him. And what did he say about it?

----------


## Suzi

I can empathise with that so much. Have you asked him?

----------


## Jaquaia

He says he's just poorly organised...

----------


## Mira

I have a feeling you do not truly believe that to be true?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't doubt it with him, I've seen what he's like with other things. But when I know my inaction is upsetting someone, I do everything I can to change things.

----------


## Mira

I see what you mean. I can relate to that. I am the same way. Maybe after you meet them it can go a lot better.

----------


## Paula

Si doesnt do things the way I do, doesnt feel the things I do. Hell readily admit he struggles with empathy and other peoples feelings dont impact him - except where it affects those he loves. Ive struggled with this over the years and Ive often been upset by his reaction to a situation. But hes my husband and weve had to work through that. That doesnt mean, though, that I just accept his reaction and behaviour without challenging him on it, and over the years that behaviour has slowly changed. We are both better people because weve had to deal with this - hes a bit more empathetic and Im a bit less likely to get emotional and angry.

Jaq, you have to challenge him on this, you have to say its not right. He wont ever learn otherwise and your relationship may suffer

----------


## Jaquaia

I've lot count of the number of times I've challenged him on this

----------


## Suzi

It's got nothing to do with organisation though.... What do his parents/best friends think? I just don't understand it at all...

----------


## Flo

Ian used to be like that until I had it out with him! Up until a few years ago he'd get C cards that were addressed to him only, and the inside to him only!! Then he sent cards from just him!!! as if I didn't bloody exist!! I was hurt and furious. I've gotten used to the fact that his best friend is a woman!! I asked him if he was ashamed of me or something and he didn't understand what I meant....well he does now!!

----------


## Jaquaia

That's something I pointed out to him tonight Flo. That it took him a year to introduce me to his best friends despite knowing for 6 months or more that it was getting to me, that I've been kept a secret for a year and still feel like a secret as I feel like I can't even tag him when I share photos on facebook, that most people he interacts with on there don't even realise he's separated, let alone with me. He hasn't even had a proper conversation with one of his best friends about it all.

----------


## Suzi

That's really weird.... And I'd be in pieces about it....

----------


## Paula

> I've lot count of the number of times I've challenged him on this


Yes but how much? Have you insisted? Have you set ultimatums? I know I sound dramatic but just telling him it upsets you might not be getting through to him. I know you dont want to be like Cruella is with him so Im concerned that he just doesnt get how much its all upsetting you.

Oh, and just what would happen if you tagged him on fb? The people that matter know ....

----------


## Jaquaia

He says he does, he can read me really well. I even flipped it tonight and asked how he would feel if our positions were reversed and he didn't really know how to answer that but said he understood my point

And I honestly don't know. I've asked him about being able to tag him and even about going fb official, then he has access to our photos too. At the moment he asks me to send him pics if he wants them, like the other week when he told Thomas which was awkward as I was in the middle of an assignment. Not really had a straight answer...

----------


## Paula

But is he going to do something about it?

----------


## Jaquaia

Sorry, was editing. Time will tell. It was his mums suggestion to tell him what was happening as he was panicking about time as A has dance class, T is having his hair cut and it's the Christmas light switch on in the village

----------


## Suzi

Thing is this is something that should come from him, not his parents....

----------


## Jaquaia

He probably rivals me when it comes to overthinking about things and panicking about things.

----------


## Flo

Rather than go through months of posts I'll ask.....I take it 'cruella' knows now that you're in the equation? The kids know, his parents know, so what is there to hide anymore? Why the big secret? By the way, the true reason that Ian was jolted out of ignorance is because I threatened to leave him!! I even got out a suitcase - thank God he didn't call my bluff! - while he was going half frantic I told him that he wouldn't miss me at all because in his eyes I wasn't there anyway!! Blokes! what goes on in their heads?

----------


## Jaquaia

He told her a couple of months ago but only told T a couple of weeks ago. A doesn't know yet, J said it will be better letting her just meet me. His parents asked to meet me before Cruella had even moved out  :(giggle): 

I posted a photo of us on fb but didn't tag him and a mutual friend replied "I wonder if his wife knows". This is my point, he says the important people who he deals with in real life know, but this is someone he frequently interacts with. So as far as the world knows, he's happily married to her and that hurts

----------


## Suzi

Ouch!!! 

How are you today lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok. Tired though. Was Christmas shopping at 1am this morning as I couldn't sleep

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  I thought I was the only one who did that!  :):

----------


## Flo

I've thought about severing my index finger because it keeps dragging itself over to  :(yawn):  :(yawn):  the Amazon 'Buy Now' button! It's stronger than I am and it always wins! :(yawn):

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing Jaq?

----------


## Jaquaia

> I've thought about severing my index finger because it keeps dragging itself over to  the Amazon 'Buy Now' button! It's stronger than I am and it always wins!


 :(giggle): 




> How are you doing Jaq?


I think I'm fed up of everything at the moment. J was at Abbie's dance show yesterday with Cruella who had a go at him about multiple things and she's carried it on today after Abbie's nativity play. In fact, she picked up a box of her stuff and ended up pushing over Thomas's baseboards for his layout in a rage. I just asked him when will he learn his lesson about going to the childrens things together!

----------


## Suzi

I can understand they both need to go, but couldn't they go separately? Surely he could just offer to drop off her sh*t so she doesn't step foot in the house?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've said that today. She's taking the  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  now. She's a horrid bully and I can't wait for karma to bite her in the arse

----------


## Flo

Bless him...he's finding it hard to let go isn't he? I can't help but agree with Suzi, to avoid conflict, heartache and unnerving the kids and making them miserable I think it would be wiser to go to the kids' events separately. It makes you miserable too because you have to hear it all and you have no control over it! She certainly is a nasty bit of work isn't she?

----------


## Jaquaia

She's a horrid piece of work. She's been seeing someone for around 4 months (or so she says) she's made the children stay at his house several times, he's always staying there, they've met his daughter, they're always kissing and cuddling in front of them and T is really struggling with it all. It's going too fast for him. J told her that yesterday and she just said he hasn't said anything to her. No! Because he's too scared to!!!

Oh and now she's talking about moving in with him... 

J says he's trying to do the right thing but like I pointed out, the children are having to witness it all and it's not good or fair on them.

----------


## Suzi

What I don't understand is that if all this is going on, then why is he being so strange about introducing you etc and making you and he properly public and why is he hanging on to her? There's no need for them to go together to anything, they aren't the first set of parents to separate and still want to both go to school events etc I just don't understand it and it must hurt so much with him telling you all this, but all 3'rd hand as you aren't public.... I don't know how you're dealing with it.

----------


## Jaquaia

Apparently the school put the nativity tickets in A's bookbag so Cruella had them. And she was supposed to meet him there for the dance show but she decided to take A to rehearsals beforehand as she needed make up doing. As it was, she was screeching at A so J ended up doing her eyeliner!!! 

It does hurt and he doesn't seem to understand it but he's been told I want to be properly public by the new year as I'm fed up of it all now

----------


## Mira

And do you think it will happen by the new year? I do think you are right though. Its time.

----------


## Jaquaia

It had better. Enough is enough now

----------

Flo (09-12-19)

----------


## Paula

Good. Really good to hear!

----------

Flo (09-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

Well done Jaq. I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself. You really do deserve so much better than this!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm realising that

----------

Paula (10-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

That's one of the best posts I've ever read.

----------


## Paula

How are you doing?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok. Tired. Done some reading for uni and the majority of my Christmas shopping has arrived so going to wrap them tonight.

----------


## Suzi

Hooray!  :):

----------


## Mira

The Christmas shopping can be wrapped in a relaxing way. So I hope you can take it easy tonight. I was thinking about the things you posted today and I do wish that it will get better soon. You deserve it. Yes you do.

----------

Jaquaia (10-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Wrapping done while listening to Roxette  :(:

----------


## Suzi

Well done for getting the wrapping done! 
Roxette - so sad... 


How are you today lovely? What's on your agenda today?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm tired. Struggling to get to sleep much before 1am the past few mornings. No idea why!

Plan today is start the washing, do some uni work, cuddles with J before he goes to work and writing Christmas cards!

----------


## Suzi

Could it be because you've got lots going on in your head right now?

----------


## Mira

Sounds like a good plan for today. Cuddle him like crazy  :):

----------

Jaquaia (11-12-19)

----------


## magie06

Enjoy your cuddles!  :(inlove):

----------

Jaquaia (11-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

> Could it be because you've got lots going on in your head right now?


Very possibly.

----------


## Suzi

Anything you can do to get things out of your head?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know. I tend to just get on with it, which I know doesn't always end well. 

On the plus side, meeting the children on Saturday and not actually nervous.... yet!!!

----------


## magie06

That is brilliant news. I really hope you have a great time with them.

----------

Jaquaia (11-12-19)

----------


## Paula

Its going to be fine, theyre going to love you  :):

----------

Jaquaia (11-12-19),Suzi (11-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I guess I'll find that out on Saturday!

----------


## Mira

I agree with Paula on this one for sure. After what those children have to endure with the boyfriend and mother you will be a breath of fresh air. And for more then one reason. You look at other people and care what they need and want. So that will be a new experience for them instead of selfish people. You are warm and friendly. Also something new. They might need some time to get used to it. But you will be great for them I know.

----------

Flo (12-12-19),Jaquaia (11-12-19),Paula (11-12-19),Suzi (11-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

The others are right. You are amazing!

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't see it!

My mum and dad bought us a Christmas card as a couple. I may have gone a bit girly over it  :(inlove):

----------


## Mira

We do and so will the children.

Thats so sweet  :):

----------

Jaquaia (11-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

Awww!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Interview week!!!

----------


## Suzi

I LOVE interview week!!!!

----------


## Jaquaia

Really hoping Lottie gets the push!

----------


## Flo

You'll have an amazing time with the kids...agree with Mira on this, you'll be a breath of fresh air. Small kids don't complicate things like adults and they live in the moment. They'll be so excited. Just enjoy them and be excited with them. I expect you've got a few pre Christmas goodies for them. :(nod):

----------


## Jaquaia

I haven't actually as I expect it would be classed as me trying to buy them from a certain spawn of satan. I have, however, bought them both a Christmas present and T a birthday present :O:

----------


## Suzi

> Really hoping Lottie gets the push!



YAY!!!! Did you see the look on her face! Didn't have her costings - left them out somewhere else, my arse! I just don't think she had them!

----------


## Flo

Sod what she thinks! You're just a kind and thoughtful future step mum that's giving presents to your future step kids! Besides, you won't win in her eyes either way...if you treat them you're trying to muscle in, and if you don't, you couldn't care less!! It's got to be better than the kids witnessing snogging and groping!! Ugh! where's the bucket?? Go with your gut and give them a great time on Saturday!

----------

Jaquaia (12-12-19),Suzi (12-12-19)

----------


## Paula

Id take something small for them too - itll show youve considered them ...

----------


## Suzi

I agree!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

> YAY!!!! Did you see the look on her face! Didn't have her costings - left them out somewhere else, my arse! I just don't think she had them!


And she got fired first!!! That made my day!!!

What are you all thinking? A book? Sweets? Help!!!

PS...

I JUST DROVE HOME!!!  :(party):  :(party):  :(party):

----------


## Suzi

I know! It was priceless! Haz and I high 5'd!  :):  

Go with a book - that was your first thought, but if it feels right get a book and some sweets.... F*ck what others think, do what feels right! You know this. You've got this. 

WOOOHOOO for driving home! You're amazing!

----------

Jaquaia (12-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Do you think Northern Lights would be acceptable for a 10 year old?

----------


## magie06

That would be perfect! And woo hoo on driving home. I've said it once and I'll say it a thousand times, you are AMAZING!  :(party):  :(party):  :(party):

----------

Jaquaia (12-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

Absolutely!

----------


## Jaquaia

Ordered. And ordered A a Julia Donaldson book 

Getting nervous now...

----------


## Paula

:(party):  :(party):  thats two things youve done today that have been awesomely brave!

----------

Jaquaia (12-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

J has told me not to get them anything so I've cancelled the order and just really starting to flap and panic now. He said he knows his children and I don't need to do that and besides, I'd be accused of trying to buy them. So... sweets? 

I'm starting to get upset with myself as I feel like I'm messing up already.

----------


## Paula

Youre not messing anything up, youre trying to do your best in a tough situation. Id hope he could appreciate that ....

----------

Jaquaia (12-12-19)

----------


## Mira

In no way did you mess up. Being thoughtfull and nice is never messing up in my book. I liked that comment that Flo made earlier. How if you get them something it might be seen as a bribe and if you dont you could not care less. Sadly everything can be turned around. But over time we see how people are and in your case thats something good.

You do care and that is one of your strengths.

----------

Jaquaia (12-12-19),Paula (12-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

I cannot understand him at times you know! I would have thought it would have been a lovely gesture.....

----------



----------


## Jaquaia

I can only assume he meant just be myself...

Also... why on earth would Cruella's mum add me on fb???

----------


## Suzi

WTF? Don't accept or decline - if you decline they can ask again, if you leave them there then they can't.... 

But you taking books to children is you being you!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

J thinks they've been snooping and done it accidentally but it's set my anxiety sky-rocketing

----------


## Paula

J might be right. Ignore it, hunni, and be grateful that youre way above doing things like that ....

----------


## Suzi

I can totally understand it, but love, you aren't doing anything wrong. Besides, she's just jealous!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I've decided to just read tonight. I wouldn't have been able to focus on uni work.

----------


## Suzi

Have you told him how much this has upset you?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've told him it rattled me but I think it's anxiety hangover now.

----------


## Suzi

That's understandable....  :(bear):

----------


## Mira

Yes it is so understandable. And its nothing to feel bad about. They are weird horrible people.

----------


## Jaquaia

Got 2 assignments back today, 100 and 99!!! To be fair, the first one was a pass/fail thing but the second one... I dropped one mark!!! One mark in an evaluation table and full marks on an essay!!! I'm over the moon!!!

----------


## Paula

Am so proud of you! Thats incredible! You are awesome  :):   But I never doubted you

----------

Jaquaia (13-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I never expected to do so well as this was more science based in parts.

----------


## Paula

When are you going to believe in yourself?

----------


## Jaquaia

Sarah said the same to me last night...

----------


## Suzi

That's amazing!!!! Well done love! I'm so proud of you!

----------

Jaquaia (13-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Christmas has arrived!!! Lights and decorations are up!!! And I killed a snow globe. I shuck it (is shuck even a word?) and the glass bit went flying... at my mum... there's craft herpes everywhere! And I've knocked the soundbar too... That's no longer working... successful day really!  :(giggle):

----------


## Paula

Oops  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Go you! That's brilliant....

----------


## Jaquaia

Cruella is insisting on having the children tomorrow since J is back at work on Sunday so he's just asked if I want to stay from tomorrow instead of Sunday... which means even more time with the children...

Not panicking. Who said anything about panicking???

----------


## Paula

You will be awesome and they will ADORE you!

----------

Jaquaia (13-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Trying to keep calm, I'll probably be a nervous wreck in the morning. Bed and settle with a book soon.

----------


## Mira

Well I got up early today but I hope you slept real good. I am hoping the nerves will be better once you are there and you are all together. And that you will settle in a normal kind of flow soon enough. And enjoy the weekend  :):

----------

Jaquaia (14-12-19)

----------


## Paula

Were by your side, love, its going to be amazing, Im sure  :):

----------

Jaquaia (14-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm feeling sick. I know I'm overthinking things but I can't slow my head down.

----------


## Allalone

Slow deep breaths. Try and do something to take your mind off it even just for 10 mins.

The kids will love you.

----------

Jaquaia (14-12-19)

----------


## magie06

Hey, slow down. If people from all over the world love you then those kids are going to agree with us. You are panicking because it's an unknown to you. Go through it step by step. What time are the children arriving? Will you be there before them? Can you maybe be doing something and just say hello and go back to doing that again? Just a suggestion but your hands will be busy and you might be a little less stressed.

----------

Jaquaia (14-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

> Slow deep breaths. Try and do something to take your mind off it even just for 10 mins.
> 
> The kids will love you.


Thank you. Really appreciated :Panda: 




> Hey, slow down. If people from all over the world love you then those kids are going to agree with us. You are panicking because it's an unknown to you. Go through it step by step. What time are the children arriving? Will you be there before them? Can you maybe be doing something and just say hello and go back to doing that again? Just a suggestion but your hands will be busy and you might be a little less stressed.


J and A are picking me up from Beverley station and his mum and dad are meeting us with T as they've taken him to have his hair cut. We're going to a café up in the Wolds which does amazing, locally sourced food. 

Trying with the deep breaths. My hands are starring to shake

----------


## Suzi

Bet you're having a lovely time. Breathe and know you're amazing and they'll love you!

----------

Jaquaia (14-12-19)

----------


## Paula

Ive been thinking of you all afternoon but Im not worried, I *know* its going great

----------

Jaquaia (14-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Ok... you were all right. Abbie seemed to take to me straight away. In fact, had hugs from her! Thomas was a bit more wary but warmed to me more once we were back. J has just taken them to her.

----------

Flo (15-12-19)

----------


## Paula

Told ya  :):  Im so happy for you  :):

----------

Jaquaia (14-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

Will you start believing us now????? So, did you like them?  :):  
So when are you seeing them again? Did you take them anything in the end?

----------

Flo (15-12-19),Jaquaia (14-12-19)

----------


## magie06

I hope that you enjoy cuddles with J when he gets home.

----------

Jaquaia (14-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I thought they were lovely! Not sure when I'm seeing them again, hopefully before Christmas. I didn't take them anything in the end.

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you've met them - definitely see them again before Christmas! Take them out to see the lights on the houses or something and then back for a hot chocolate!  :):  Magic

----------


## Jaquaia

We watched A Muppet's Christmas Carol and A made me sit next to her. We went to the Christmas light switch on at the village pond and A chose to hold my hand and for me to carry her at one point so she could see. T disappeared upstairs when we got back and J told him he couldn't stay up there all night as it was rude. I just asked him questions about what books he liked reading and talked about Man Utd and within a short space of time he was showing me things and asking me things. It really was lovely. I feel so at home in the village and I love the children, I think they're awesome

----------


## Mira

Sounds like you fit in straight away  :): 

I am so happy you had this experience with the children. I know we all said that it would go well. But that does not take away the anxiousness and stress as good as A holding your hand.

You deserve all of this.

----------

Jaquaia (15-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Thank you!

----------


## Suzi

Your post has made me cry! I love that you're so happy!

----------


## Jaquaia

I never thought I could be this happy. The one issue is Talia, my mum won't be able to cope with her when I move out and I can't bring her here as she hates cats, so my mum has asked Sarah to have her...

----------


## Suzi

Sarah?

----------


## Jaquaia

Yep. My mum trusts her more than my sister

----------


## Paula

Talia will be easier, I think, than Max .....

----------


## Suzi

What has she said about it? What do you think?

----------


## Jaquaia

That's what I was thinking, and she loves her. Nobody gets a look in when she visits

I'm not keen on Talia going to my sister, and maybe it will be good for Sarah too. I'll miss her though

----------


## Paula

What does the cat think of dogs? I only ask because some dogs hate cats they come across outside, but learn to live with their feline siblings itms

----------


## Suzi

What did Sarah say?

----------


## Jaquaia

The cat couldn't live with another cat but not sure about dogs.

Sarah said yes.

----------


## Paula

It might be worth thinking about.....

----------


## Jaquaia

I've thought about it a lot. I'm not sure I can trust her and when both pets are used to the full run of the house, it's not fair to suddenly restrict that. They may be ok but is it worth the risk?

----------


## Paula

With care, you can introduce them safely, and if its obvious its not going to work, then you can make a decision about next steps

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not convinced. And J would rather I didn't bring Talia as A is scared of dogs. I don't think I can make the right decision no matter what I do.

----------


## OldMike

If A is scared of dogs taking Talia with you may not be the best option, it is as you say a very difficult decision to make with no right or wrong answer. What do the children think?

----------


## Jaquaia

It hasn't been discussed with them yet with me only just meeting them. They've always been around cats so I'm not sure how a dog would go down

----------


## Suzi

Hi love, how you doing?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok. Taking advantage of the peace and quiet at J's but struggling to settle to my assignment. I keep getting up to do other things as I'm feeling a little agitated and jittery. On the plus side, Thomas has told his grandad that he likes me  :):

----------


## Suzi

Hooray! Not that I thought there was any risk of him not liking you! 

Do you know why you're agitated and jittery?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't. I get like this occasionally. Currently have Toby rubbing himself against me and purring in the hope that I'll feed him...he can wait until I have mine otherwise he'll be trying to steal mine too! I'm talking paws on my plate trying to pull my food to him and trying to eat off my plate...

----------


## Mira

Is there something that helps when you get this way? Or is it something that has been building up?

----------


## Jaquaia

Extra meds but I've forgotten to bring some with me...

----------


## Suzi

OK so you don't have access to the meds. Can you try mindfulness or meditation?

----------



----------


## Paula

Dont think Im being facetious as Ive found it really, really helps me - camomile tea? (Twinings do one with honey which sweetens it up).

----------


## Jaquaia

I helped J clear his workshop ready for a carpet going down which helped. May have to try the chamomile tea with honey, can't drink normal chamomile as it's vile!

----------


## Suzi

What's on the plan for today?

----------


## Jaquaia

Designing an ePoster... 500 words, OU Harvard referencing on the psychology of group decision making...  please kill me now???

----------


## Suzi

Can you take it one baby step at a time ?

----------


## Jaquaia

I have the layout sorted, a title and most of an outline...

I don't want to do it! Really not enjoying this module so far!

----------


## Suzi

What's the module? How's it going?

----------


## Jaquaia

Investigating psychology. It's the module that leads to the degree being accredited by the BPS so compulsory...

About 150 words left and editing to do!

----------


## Suzi

Well done love! You're awesome.

----------


## Paula

See? Have faith in yourself

----------


## Jaquaia

I've proved time and time again that I'm more capable than I think yet every time I hand something in I'm convinced I'll fail. I' don't know why I don't believe in myself

----------


## Paula

Think logically and trust the evidence

----------


## Jaquaia

It's completely unfair that you're using my words against me!!!

----------


## Mira

That is something we all do real well here  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I've noticed!!!  :P: 

It's gone!!! All submitted and a day early!!!  :(party):

----------

OldMike (19-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo!!!!! Well done love! That's brilliant!

----------


## Mira

Awesome, and I am sure its a good piece of work that you did.

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):  well, if you do it to me, expect it back!

----------


## Jaquaia

But... but... harrumph!!!

----------


## Mira

How are you today?

----------


## Angie

I'm glad it went so well with the children sweetie, but then always knew it would xx

----------


## Suzi

Hope you've had a lovely day hunni...

----------


## Jaquaia

We went into Beverley for lunch and did some Christmas shopping then had a hot chocolate before we went home. Just wrapped presents last night and watched the Apprentice, I'm glad Carina won!!! Popping for lunch now then J is dropping me home and I have a driving lesson this afternoon

----------


## Angie

Sounds like you have had a good time sweetie xx

----------


## OldMike

> We went into Beverley for lunch and did some Christmas shopping then had a hot chocolate before we went home. Just wrapped presents last night and watched the Apprentice, I'm glad Carina won!!! Popping for lunch now then J is dropping me home and I have a driving lesson this afternoon


My sister and bro in law were in Beverly just over a week ago was just a few days away in the motor home. Hot choc now ya talking, enjoy your lunch with James  :):

----------


## Suzi

We're glad she won too!  :): 
Glad you're having a good time. How long are you staying for?

----------


## Mira

I did not notice any doubt in your post. And it seems you are doing well. Thats so nice to see.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm home now. Don't want to be and he never wanted to bring me back. Needs must though. T asked about me last night when J spoke to him, which was nice. And J's mum was surprised that A laid against me and let me brush her hair with my fingers, apparently she hates people touching her hair.  :):  I've suggested us taking them to the Deep before Christmas and I'm thinking about getting them to help me pick a plant for J's mum. 

Got my last assignment back, 69. Not bad considering I hated that one. 

Ooh! Not only did I drive in the dark, I drove in the rain too!!!

----------


## Angie

That is such a positive post sweetie, am so glad that things are going well for you x

----------

Jaquaia (19-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

So many positives!!!!!! Am so thrilled for you!!

----------

Jaquaia (20-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Going to the Deep with J and the kids tomorrow. I know it was my idea but being asked the night before has sent my anxiety sky-rocketing!

----------


## Mira

I understand that your anxiety would do that to you. And its ok. You also know that the kids like you and J too  :(inlove): . So when you are with them it will fade as snow in the sun. You are more then ready to be part of this family.

----------

Allalone (20-12-19),Jaquaia (20-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

You're going to have an amazing time! They'll love spending time with someone who actually gives a crap about them and what they like/think etc...

----------

Jaquaia (20-12-19)

----------


## Paula

Pfft, yes your anxiety has climbed but youve got so many tools in your tool box now to deal with it. Youve got this  :):

----------

Jaquaia (20-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

My anxiety levels aren't as well controlled as normal at the moment. I don't think it's helped by me being a little touchy over the children issue at the moment either

----------


## Paula

What is it that is worrying you over the children atm?

----------


## Angie

Sweetheart I totally get that but am betting it will be fine and you will build on the great start you had meeting them, and being in the deep will keep them entertained aswell

----------


## Jaquaia

Not so much his children as children in general

----------


## Paula

Oh, lovely  :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

Eleanor Grace arrived at half 2 this morning. 6lb 4.5oz. She's gorgeous. And I do feel excited to meet her but there's also a hell of a lot of pain knowing that will never be me...

----------


## Suzi

Hunni that's a pain I wish I could take away for you. I'm so sorry  :(bear):  :(bear):  :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

It's something I need to learn to deal with

----------


## Suzi

Have you ever talked about it in counselling? I know my cousin's wife has had counselling, but she says it still feels like she is grieving for the baby she's never had each time someone close to her has a baby.... There's nothing I can say to take that pain away.... But know you are loved and I'm giving you massive hugs right now.

----------

Jaquaia (21-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

That's exactly how it feels. I'm happy for her but it feels like someone has my heart in a vice at the same time and there's a massive lump in my throat. It sucks. It's probably not helped that I've had so many tips on how to be around the children. Don't force it, let them come to you, don't kiss and cuddle in front of them as T struggles to deal with it, keep a lid on the affection in front of them for now... I may not have children but I'm not an idiot.

----------


## Mira

From what I have learned about you I think you have a natural ability to be great around kids. They always seem to find you when you are around. That is something that is hard to teach or learn. I am so sorry you have to learn and deal with it. When I see people that are able too and choose not to it seems so cruel when I hear this. 

 :Panda:  :Panda: 

One thing that does give me a smile is seeing how you still can be such a positive, warm and caring woman to others. When reading that you brushed her hair with your fingers while she normaly does not allow people to touch her hair. These are small things but ow so important. And will shape a long lasting loving bond.

----------

Jaquaia (21-12-19),Suzi (21-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

That's a lovely thing to say

----------


## Suzi

For the record, I'd be bloody honoured to have you in my kids life and you know how protective of them I am! I know it's not the same, but I promise you that you are amazing and they are lucky to have you. 
Mira is right. It's not about the big things, the big spends... it's about being there and doing things like combing her hair, talking to them, spending time with them, being interested in what they are doing - that's what makes memories, self confidence in them and the best Mum figure they could have in their lives. It's not about giving birth, it's about the rest of their lives....

----------

Jaquaia (21-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Thank you, that means a lot. The moment I walked in I was shown photos of Eleanor with Scarlett. My family don't get it, they've never been in my position so I don't know why I was expecting some sensitivity. 

Had a lovely day out with J and the children. Abbie chose to hold my hand pretty much the entire time or was dragging me off to see things. I'll share some photos later

----------


## Angie

:(bear):  hunni but glad that you had a good day out xx

----------

Jaquaia (21-12-19)

----------


## OldMike

That's lovely the children have really taken to you.

----------

Jaquaia (21-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

Why would she not want to hold your hand and to be with you? I've seen a post on FB about how you were playing hopscotch with her too? I can't see cruella ever doing anything like that with her. Be proud of the person you are and the amazing figure you are going to be in their lives.

----------


## Jaquaia

Yes, there's a small balcony area outside the upstairs part of the café and she kept me out there for ages playing hopscotch and she did try and get me playing hide and seek... a little hard when everything was glass...  :(giggle): 

She actually refused to hold J's hand, she just wanted to hold my hand and show me things. I really enjoyed it. 

Penguins!!!


View from the balcony outside the cafe

----------


## Paula

Love penguins! It sounds like youve already given her joy - never underestimate the value of that in a childs life

----------

Jaquaia (21-12-19),OldMike (22-12-19),Suzi (21-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I hope so. J said they both really enjoyed this afternoon

----------


## Suzi

Joy and wonder, interest and magic.... You're giving them everything and more.

----------

Jaquaia (21-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not seeing that but I'll accept you think that. 

Going to meet Eleanor tomorrow. Looking forward to cuddles and dreading it at the same time...

----------


## Mira

You are doing great. I am so pleased to hear that the children had a good time. It sounded like a good time.

----------

Jaquaia (22-12-19)

----------


## Paula

Try to enjoy today with Eleanor  :Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (22-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

In my thoughts lovely x

----------

Jaquaia (22-12-19)

----------


## Allalone

Take care Jaq.xx

----------

Jaquaia (22-12-19)

----------


## Angie

Hope today has gone well sweetie xx

----------


## Paula

How are you?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok, feeling a little flat and empty if I'm honest

----------


## Suzi

Sorry babe, but know that we all love you so much!

----------


## magie06

Did you get any new born snuggles? How was Scarlett with her baby sister?

----------


## Jaquaia

I got lots of snuggles. Scarlett is completely besotted with her, she cried when we had cuddles as she wanted her back.

----------


## magie06

I saw your pictures, they are both soooooo cute. An aunty is the best - like a mother, only someone you can get into trouble with!

----------


## Jaquaia

Wish me luck! I'm going shopping...

----------


## Paula

Good luck!

----------


## Jaquaia

I survived! My dad decided against Asda so just B&Q! Bought J's mum a bromeliad and a gorgeous orchid for Christmas and grabbed them a box of biscuits locally. Just need to dig out gift bags and wrap a couple of things.

----------


## Suzi

Well done! Marc's going about midnight tonight lol...

----------


## Jaquaia

:(rofl): 

I'm trying to get finished today as I'm at J's tomorrow until early afternoon Christmas Day. We're watching films with the children until they go go Cruella

----------


## Mira

That does sound like a nice way to spend the time. I do hope you will enjoy it togehter.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm looking forward to it

----------


## Paula

Have you (they) sorted out the playlist yet  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

Not yet! I'm happy letting them choose though

----------


## Suzi

OOOO Movie marathon! Love those! Best for snuggling - get a blanket and make it cosy. Add munchies and hot (warm) chocolate for a perfect memory making time!

----------


## Jaquaia

Munchies is definitely part of the plan. I bought a tub of celebrations today and we'll probably grab pringles and popcorn on the way home tomorrow

----------


## Suzi

Awesome! That sounds awesome!

----------


## Jaquaia

J is so sweet!!! He's just apologised for not sorting me a Christmas stocking!  :(inlove):  I told him I've never had a stocking so it isn't an issue but awwww!

----------


## Paula

Never???

----------


## Jaquaia

Never. It's not something my family has ever done

----------


## Suzi

Awww... We don't do stockings, but Santa's elves always manage to leave the kids new PJ's on Christmas Eve, then Santa leaves them something to eat, something to read and some slippers!  :): 
How have you never had a stocking? That needs putting right next year!

----------


## Jaquaia

Just never have. It was always our presents sorted into a pile on Christmas morning

----------


## Suzi

Fair enough!

----------


## magie06

OMG it's part of Christmas here. Not to have a stocking is a travesty of humongous proportions. That will have to be put right next year. There is always a satsuma in the toe of our stockings. Plus lots of small things that are too difficult to wrap.

----------


## Jaquaia

Ok... there have almost been tears. The children have got me a Christmas present...

----------


## Suzi

Aww! Have you opened it? Or are you going to be with them tomorrow?

----------


## Paula

That *almost* had me in tears too!

----------


## Jaquaia

They're with Cruella tonight. Going to open it with J tomorrow.

----------


## Suzi

When are they seeing J and you over Christmas? 

So you're going back to your parents tomorrow? Then when are you going back to J's?

----------


## Mira

So they are with the both of you tomorrow? I hope so. How sweet that they got you a present.

----------


## Jaquaia

J is taking me to my sisters arpund lunch then he's having the children

----------

Suzi (25-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Wow! Wasn't expecting to check my fb notifications tonight and find it asking me to confirm that I am in a relationship with James! We're publicly official now!!!! I didn't cry!!!! Just...

----------

Suzi (25-12-19)

----------


## Mira

Things are moving your way. I am so happy for you. You deserve all of it.

----------

Jaquaia (25-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

I was so pleased to see that! 

Happy Christmas lovely!

----------

Jaquaia (25-12-19)

----------


## Paula

That made my eyes water a little too!

----------

Jaquaia (25-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Happy Christmas!!! 

He finally succeeded in making me cry like a baby!!! My main present is handwritten lyrics to "If..." by Mark Morriss!!!! I'm completely blown away!!!!

----------

Paula (25-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

Oh wow! That's so personal!  Hope you're having a wonderful day.

----------


## Jaquaia

Is it bad that we arranged it so we only spent about half an hour at my sisters? With me and J, there were 23 people there...

----------


## Paula

Sensible

----------


## Jaquaia

How cool is this?!?!?

----------


## Suzi

That's very cool and very, very sensible!

----------


## Flo

Half an hour is pushing it if there's Portuguese cod around!!.... :(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

:(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

T has been asking J when they get to see me next so J told him to be honest and asked if he was asking so he knew when or because he wanted to see me...

"I want to see her. I like her"... 

I may have gotten a little emotional when he told me that! J asked if he'd like me to go with them when they go out for the day at New Year and he said yes so he's going to ask T if he's ok with me staying over to make things easier! I also got a lot of messages from Abbie yesterday too! She nicked J's phone and sent me her name followed by loads of emojis. Apparently she does that when she thinks about people  :):

----------


## Paula

See! We told you theyd love you  :):

----------

Jaquaia (27-12-19)

----------


## OldMike

Awww that's so nice.

----------

Jaquaia (27-12-19)

----------


## Mira

How sweet of them both. Sounds like you are all a great match  :):

----------

Jaquaia (27-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

Told ya so  :O:  

You're going to be so important in their lives. You're awesome.

----------

Jaquaia (27-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Ok so truth be told, Christmas has been eventful!!! We had a lovely afternoon with the children on Christmas Eve. We watched The Grinch (Benedict Cumberbatch) and Arthur Christmas as I've never seen them, and ate lots of rubbish. The children seemed to enjoy it and so did I. It's when he dropped them off that it went wrong...

The kids should be with J from Monday afternoon once he's awake but she's booked tickets for the panto in S :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: horpe for Monday afternoon without even checking it was ok with him as she'll need the children until evening. He asked if he could have them extra on Thursday as he's losing time with them on Monday and got told no. No discussion, just no. He tried to point out that he was losing time with them but was ok for her to have them longer as she wanted to do something with them and her response was if he starts messing around she'd go for full custody. At this point her new bloke came to the door and told her to stop arguing, tell him to f*** off and sort it later then went back into the living room... Apparently he was really aggressive with it too and J was livid. He told her that he never speaks to him like that again and he isn't having that language around his children. She said the kids were upstairs and he pointed out he was talking to them in the living room. It massively affected his mood for the rest of the evening and a large part of Christmas Day. She tried to bring me into it and he pointed out that I wasn't trying to interfere with sorting out arrangements for the children. 

When she dropped them off on Christmas Day she bitched about me being there until he pointed out I had gone home and then she let slip that her bf had stayed, after she'd asked J previously if he was ok with that and he said no. She tried excusing his behaviour by saying that he was upset about not seeing his daughter Christmas Day. J said he sympathised but it doesn't mean he can elbow his way in and start dictating with his children. She's apparently told her bloke that if there's a repeat of his behaviour then he's out but I don't believe that for a second... Her bf has also complained that J was rude when he bumped into him outside the village shop. Apparently he was supposed to know who he was despite never having been introduced. Not sure how that works. He's also expressed concern about the children running in front into the shop without waiting for J. Into a small village shop where they know everyone who works there. In a small village. Where there is only one way in and out and that would be past J... 

She's also complained about how much he texts T. She said it's infringing on her time yet T wants him to continue as he's doing. It turns out that T often doesn't bother replying when she texts him... And it turns out that T did hear her bf being aggressive with J as he's asked about it and isn't happy about it. She's had a go about him not sorting her a Christmas present from the kids either. Despite her not bothering as she claims his parents had already done it (she's left it until the last minute as I'd been talking to his mum about it a week or 2 earlier. And this is after I'd specifically started the conversation with T asking if he'd sorted anythingnfor his mum for Christmas and he said yes! T is also aware that she doesn't like me from her reaction as A keeps talking about me  :(giggle):  She's an utter cretin!!!

Anyway, going to really  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  her off next year and help the kids sort her presents out  :(giggle): 

Rant over!
And Thomas has said again that he really likes me! And their presents went down well. Apparently A giggled all the way through her book

----------


## Mira

What I am reading is that J's ex is so so selfish. It is sad that everybody around her is having to suffer because of it. The kids and J and you. She must have been a hand full. 

But the thing I love about this post is that you and J do not need to go down to her level. You have each other and the kids seem to be so happy with you. Let the ex cause her own downfall. 

Its sad for the kids. They deserve the best. And to be in the best stable surroundings. And that does not seem to be at there mothers. But then they at least have the dad thats a good influence and you. They are lucky in that way.

----------

Jaquaia (28-12-19),Suzi (28-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

The children deserve so much better. T is scared of her, no child should ever be scared of their mum. He's already told J that she doesn't shout at them when he bf is there, she takes them to one side and has a quiet word with them and when he's not there it's back to shouting. She's moving out of the village next month apparently, it sounds like she's moving in with him already so the children have had barely 3 months to get used to him...

----------


## Mira

Yes that is something that is universal. Or should be universal. That no child should be scared of any parent. 

And it is moving fast for them. She does not seem to take the children into account at all.

----------

Jaquaia (28-12-19),Suzi (28-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

I'd like to say I'm shocked, but from everything you've said about her I'm not surprised in the least! 
This is why we've been saying that the children need you in their lives and the huge effect that you are going to have with them... 
Make sure he's keeping a written record of all of this and get a copy to his solicitor!

----------

Jaquaia (28-12-19)

----------


## Mira

This is so true. The kids are going to be so happy with you in their lives. A way more stable and kind influence.

----------

Jaquaia (28-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

> I'd like to say I'm shocked, but from everything you've said about her I'm not surprised in the least! 
> This is why we've been saying that the children need you in their lives and the huge effect that you are going to have with them... 
> Make sure he's keeping a written record of all of this and get a copy to his solicitor!


I dragged him across to his parents Christmas Eve night to get it logged. Everything is being kept there and the solicitor is being kept up to date. I just want to be the mother figure those children deserve. I know I will never be their mum but I intend to love them and treat them like they're my own. 




> This is so true. The kids are going to be so happy with you in their lives. A way more stable and kind influence.


All I can do is try my best and let them know I'm there for them. 

I was taken aback on Christmas Eve by A. She threw herself at me for hugs and nearly knocked me flying and told me she missed me. And J and his mum are determined that I'm going to the panto with them all next month.

----------


## Paula

Its so sad when a parent pushes their children away by that sort of behaviour but unfortunately not unusual. Im just so grateful those children have you in their lives now - you will enrich them and provide stability theyve been severely lacking

----------

Jaquaia (29-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

There was an incident while J was getting changed on Christmas Eve. T accidentally shot A in her toes from a short distance while playing with a nerf gun. A started crying as it hurt (cheap fake bullets that Cruella bought) and T panicked and tried to hug her and apologise which she was having none of. I calmly told T to leave her alone to cry for a little while until she was calmer and she came to snuggle into my side. It makes me feel sad that he was so surprised that he wasn't in trouble for it. I want them to feel safe coming to me with anything

----------


## OldMike

I had a pop gun which fired a cork when I was but knee high to a grasshopper. Had to look up nerf gun which apparently fires soft sponge ammo. That was a lovely story Jaq and you handled it perfectly  :(nod):

----------


## Suzi

You're going to the panto? They'll love that!  :):  

I think it shows a huge amount that they've bonded with you so fast! I'm not surprised, but thrilled! 
Are you beginning to see quite how important you are to them already?

----------


## Jaquaia

Mike, these ones had a hard plastic tip so no wonder it hurt. The proper ones are soft foam.

Suzi, I'm not sure if the children know I'm going yet, but J and his mum are adamant that I am. I just want to do the best I can and be there for them.

----------


## Mira

Is that not the best way to deal with that kind of event? I am sure he was shocked enough when it happened. I can remember these things from my childhood as well. And having someone react the way you did is awesome.

----------


## Jaquaia

His mum would have shouted at him and banned him off something, usually his phone or xbox

----------


## Mira

I doubt that in this case that would have been a good solution. I did not mean to but I have hurt my sister in a bad way when we were younger. I was so scared that I hid under the table while they went to the doctor. And I did not dare come out. I was around 7 I think but I remember it real well. So I dont think I needed more punishment that day.

----------


## Suzi

I completely agree. We all did things by accident that hurt someone when we were little, but I wouldn't have had the experience he had with you when it was me. I remember the consequences..... Trust me, he needs you in his life and someone who can help and support.....

----------


## Jaquaia

One of the things I want is to show those children what a family should be like. Not abuse and fear but love and support. It's what they all deserve

----------


## Paula

And its what you will show them - theyre lucky to have you in their lives

----------

Jaquaia (29-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

That's why you are in their lives love. It's what you will show them and teach them and they will then pass on to their children etc etc...

----------

Jaquaia (29-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Well J has asked T if he'd be ok with me staying over New Years Eve and told him to be honest and he seems perfectly fine about it  :):  it's a big step! 

We've been planning the gardens today. It could be fun! Fun but expensive and wormy...

----------

Paula (29-12-19)

----------


## Mira

That is so nice. What a lovely night to stay there.

----------

Jaquaia (30-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

Are the kids there over NYE? 

I'm so pleased for you lovely!

----------


## Jaquaia

They are! We're going to the Keighley and Worth Valley Railway on New Year's Day  :):

----------


## Suzi

That sounds fun (if you like trains!)  :):  I'm glad that you're going to start the year together as a family and they are going to start it surrounded with love!

----------


## Jaquaia

I love travelling by steam train. It's like stepping back in time.

His dad is being awkward about having to drive though as his parents are going too. J said on Christmas Eve about me going and his dad said about not fitting 6 in the car so his mum said about staying home which his dad didn't like. T has asked for me to go now and his dad complaining about having to drive is making me feel awkward about going now...

----------


## Paula

Dont be, you are part of their family now. Theyll be a way through, there always is

----------


## Suzi

Doesn't J drive? Can you not just take 2 cars or 1 car and a cab?

----------


## Jaquaia

He does (he's actually said I'm going on his insurance renewal in February!!!  :Surprised: ) but his dad is grumbling about having to drive too.

----------

Suzi (30-12-19)

----------


## Mira

I guess that is normal. Try not to worry about it. Sounds a bit like my brother. Would do anything for me but it is always with a bit of a rumble  :):

----------


## Suzi

Let him grumble! I'm sure he doesn't actually mind, just having a dad grumble...

----------


## OldMike

I think you'll find as you grow older you're more prone to grumbling me and sis are past masters at grumbling.

I'm sure you'll have a great day out on the steam train it's a memory of days gone by when steam and coal ruled, it's good that there are enthusiasts which keep that part of our industrial history alive.

----------


## Suzi

How are you today lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tired. I've woken up with a sore throat and a headache so think I'm coming down with something. Still, going to plod through a couple of hours uni work before I go and meet J. I decided to give up on book 1 of my module and just start book 2 which is where I should be up to. If I can keep on track then I can go back and do the block 1 work. If I'm too far behind by March I'm going to think about deferring, as that's when my level 2 starts.

----------


## Mira

What a shame you might be coming down with something. Lets hope its not that bad. And try to focus on the good things. Going to J and spending this great evening together with him and the kids. I hope you have a great evening.

----------

Jaquaia (31-12-19)

----------


## magie06

Can you spend today in bed? If not, warm drinks and a big fire.

----------

Jaquaia (31-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm trying to drink plenty and will take some more paracetamol soon.

----------


## Suzi

How you doing love?

----------


## Jaquaia

Forgotten to take more paracetamol but I have done most of next week's reading and now waiting for the bus to go meet J!

----------


## Paula

Have a wonderful time tonight and tomorrow  :):

----------

Jaquaia (31-12-19)

----------


## magie06

Have a brilliant night. Happy New year.

----------

Jaquaia (31-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

Have a lovely time hunni x

----------

Jaquaia (31-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Thank you! Happy New Year!

----------


## Jaquaia

Nope. His dad is still adamant that he's not driving. So J's mum is staying home on her own all day and J was told he should have checked before he said anything about me going with them.

----------


## Suzi

Could you and J get a cab?

----------


## Jaquaia

It's about an hour and a half drive away. It will be fine, but J has told his dad he made me feel awkward and he didn't quite know what to say...

----------


## Paula

Good to hear hes standing up for you. Have a lovely day  :):

----------


## Suzi

Well done J!

----------


## Jaquaia

Had such a lovely day! Last night didn't start great, J has A's tablet set to stop working at 8pm and she kicked off and started kicking T. I dragged her to the edge of the sofa, threatened to dangle her over my shoulder and told her she'd be staying home with me if she didn't behave. Within 5 minutes she had me lying on the floor doing scratchy unicorn pictures and within 10 minutes, T had joined us and was sat talking to me about football. I got chosen to do bedtime stories too. J said he loved listening to her talking to me  :): 

Today was lovely, managed to get half an hour cuddling before we had to get the children up. Got them sorted with breakfast and kicked upstairs to brush teeth and get ready. A fairly quiet drive up to Keighley and an enjoyable journey. I love steam trains!!! And we went through the station in The Railway Children tii which was cool!!! Had a bit of a kick off from A again over not being allowed her tablet for a 2 minute drive and she ended up hurting T, so she got a good talking to and made to apologise while T got a huge hug from me. Then while they looked in the magazine room, me and A went exploring in the museum.

----------


## Angie

Sounds like a pretty amazing day sweetie xx

----------


## Paula

Your first proper family day  :): . And Im glad you feel comfortable setting boundaries for the kids

----------

Jaquaia (02-01-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh J dealt with A when she kicked off but she seemed to respond better to me when she was running off. She's fearless

----------


## Suzi

Awwwww so glad you had such a lovely day! They'll remember it too! A day where they were allowed to be kids, to misbehave, but have consequences appropriate and then rewarded after the incident has passed. For them to respond so well to you already is so awesome. 

How are you feeling love?

----------

Jaquaia (02-01-20),OldMike (02-01-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

Tired and headachey. Only just managed to eat as I fell asleep before I put my phone on charge and had a hospital appointment so didn't have time for breakfast. My wrists are throbbing but the ultrasound shows no inflammation. My ankles feel ok, just slightly achey, yet the ultrasound shows inflammation in my ankles! And my left plantar fascia has thickened. Just need to wait and see my consultant now to see what she says.

----------


## Angie

Please take things easy sweetie xx

----------

Jaquaia (02-01-20)

----------


## Suzi

As Ange says, can you rest at all?

----------

Jaquaia (02-01-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm going to try

----------


## Angie

Good as I have plenty of kippers  :P:  :Kiss:

----------


## OldMike

What a marvelous day and you handled the bit of naughtiness by the children supremely well. The Railway Children was on TV the other day, you can't beat old movies can you.

----------

Jaquaia (02-01-20)

----------


## Mira

I agree with the others. A good day and handled what happened with the kids real well. I hope you can rest a bit. And that you feel better soon. I googled the plantar fascia. Is it also painful?

----------

Jaquaia (02-01-20)

----------


## Paula

So, still active disease, with all the other symptoms that go along with the inflammation. Are you going to give yourself a break sometime then?

----------


## Suzi

I have to agree!

----------


## Jaquaia

> Good as I have plenty of kippers


 :(rofl): 




> What a marvelous day and you handled the bit of naughtiness by the children supremely well. The Railway Children was on TV the other day, you can't beat old movies can you.


We were watching that New Year's Eve! It's on BBC iplayer at the moment. I love it! 




> I agree with the others. A good day and handled what happened with the kids real well. I hope you can rest a bit. And that you feel better soon. I googled the plantar fascia. Is it also painful?


I've not noticed anything so was surprised!




> So, still active disease, with all the other symptoms that go along with the inflammation. Are you going to give yourself a break sometime then?


I've been good today and not done anything. In fact, I've slept for a couple of hours so headache free now but just planning on reading.

----------

Paula (02-01-20)

----------


## Suzi

Glad you've had some rest love. You definitely deserve it!

----------


## Jaquaia

I would never have been able to focus on uni work so didn't see the point in pushing myself

----------


## Suzi

Blinking Henry! Are you listening to your body????

----------


## Jaquaia

No need for the surprise!  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Really? You don't think that this came as a shock this morning?  :(rofl):  How are you feeling today lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

Stiff and a little achey but no headache today. Just going to plod through uni work

----------


## Paula

With regular breaks?

----------


## Jaquaia

Yes, with regular breaks!

----------

Paula (03-01-20)

----------


## Mira

Sounds like a good plan. I hope its fun. And that you feel better soon.

----------

Jaquaia (03-01-20)

----------


## Suzi

And lots of drinks?

----------


## Jaquaia

I will do my best!

----------


## OldMike

Don't forget to eat some nutritious meals too, breaks, drinks, food think that covers it  :O:

----------


## Suzi

How's the drinking going?

----------


## Jaquaia

Slowly but plodding. Not done much today but read a few chapters in my fun book

----------


## Suzi

Plodding is fine, but how much have you had to drink?

----------


## Jaquaia

On my 3rd glass. Not enough I know. Will get another with tea

----------


## Suzi

How big are the glasses?

----------


## Jaquaia

About half a pint

----------


## Suzi

So you've had about 1 1/2 pints today? Hunni, can you set your alarms again?

----------


## Jaquaia

I need to. I tend to do better when I'm at J's as I'm not shut away upstairs and he does me top ups without asking if I actually want one. I sleep better there too for that matter.

----------


## Jaquaia

I think I may cry! T has told J he'd be happy if I was there all the time! I've only met them 4 times so far!!!!

----------

Suzi (04-01-20)

----------


## Mira

Wow, look at what kind of an impact you have had on T. I have to say that I liked your approach with them from the start. You thought things through and you have a way with them. They must have a good feeling about you. You are awesome for them. And they are good for you too. Its a great win win  :):

----------

Jaquaia (03-01-20)

----------


## magie06

That is really really wonderful. Your shinning beauty is there for all to see. The kids obviously recognize that you are going to treat them fairly and not use them as pawns like Cruella did.

----------

Jaquaia (03-01-20)

----------


## Paula

*clears throat* we knew theyd adore you! So, when are you moving in  :O:

----------

Jaquaia (03-01-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

J said he would have me living there tomorrow if he could but I really need to be driving. T doesn't seem too keen on her bf yet seems to want to spend time with me. He said he likes how they got to meet me properly over lunch rather than a rushed 10 minutes, and he likes how we checked he was ok about me staying over instead of him having no say in the matter.

----------


## Paula

So, any chance of increasing your driving lessons?

----------


## Jaquaia

No. 2 hours a week is costing £48. I can't afford any more

----------


## Suzi

That's such great news about T!

----------


## Jaquaia

So something I've been sitting on... we popped to a museum on the Keighly to Oxenhope line at Ingrow. J, his Dad and T had a look in the magazine room and A dragged me around the museum bit to look at things. I was happy with that, I could keep up with her and she listened to me and T got some valuable time on his own with his Dad. Only thing is when T came out to look around the museum part, they started playing a game where he was giving cab rides on one of the locos and A decided that I had to pretend to be her mum. For an hour I had her calling me mum or mummy. I'm not going to lie, I found it difficult but I kept quiet about it. She's 4 years old, she was just playing a game. Just hoping it gets easier

----------


## Angie

Awww sweetheart I can't say it will get easier but hope it does, but you will get more used to it and get more accustomed to it with time.   :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

If you aren't comfortable then maybe say something to her - maybe come up with your own special name that just she and T get to call you? It would also ease things with Cruella as I imagine she'll make things hideous for the children if she hears that she's been calling you Mummy....

----------


## Jaquaia

Interestingly enough, T only wants to see Cruella, not live with her. He wants to live with his dad. She's already moved her new bf in, the children only met him the end of October, and she's still telling J that they could have fixed things and I ripped their family apart. Bodes well...

I didn't say anything as she was playing, she was pretending Grandpa was her uncle too.

----------


## Mira

Well one thing I have noticed is that what Cruella seems to say the opposite is true. But it seems you all know far to well how she is and that she is not telling the truth.

With the other I agree with Suzi. But it is sweet too. And if she did not want to she would not have done it. So it seems like you will have a great strong connection with her.

----------

Jaquaia (04-01-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

T has told J's dad that he doesn't trust her. That speaks volumes to me

----------


## Paula

I know why you found that difficult but I will say that young children play mummies and daddies all the time. She wont see it as anything more than that. But Suzis idea is good - A would love having a very special name that only she (maybe T but hes that much older so may not want to) can call you.

----------


## Jaquaia

I know. That's why I didn't tell her not to

----------


## Suzi

Maybe you could suggest it to J that she comes up with a special name? It could be a play on your name, a shortened form or a longer one or just something totally different.... She'd like it and it would give you that special bond....

----------


## magie06

You are quiet. Are you okay?

----------


## Paula

^^^was

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok, just not had much to update really

----------


## Paula

But as you know, just a hi helps ease our minds  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

True.

Hi!

----------

Paula (07-01-20)

----------


## Suzi

So........ how are things?

----------


## Jaquaia

Things are ok. Reading a lot, on my 5th book so far this year. Done some studying. Plodding really

----------


## Suzi

You sound flat/down....

----------


## magie06

I agree. Do you want to vent?

----------


## Suzi

How are you today? (I'm worried)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok, just tired

----------


## Paula

I dont think any of us truly believe that, lovely ....

----------


## Suzi

I don't...
But only you know if you want to talk about how things are for you. You know we're here when you're ready to talk.

----------


## Angie

What t hey said sweetie ^^ 
xxx

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm tired. I can tell my mood is dropping as I'm struggling to get up in a morning. My wrists are aching, my ankles are stiff, my throat is sore no matter how much I drink, I have very little energy and don't know if it's mood or RA related. I have so much uni work to do and not sure how I'm going to catch up.

Still, staying at J's from tomorrow and we're going to the panto tomorrow night so that should be fun

----------


## Angie

:(bear):  sweetie, hope your wrists and ankles improve soon for you and your throat clears, at least you have something nice to look forward to tomorrow xx
Do you think that needing to catch up on uni work and the stiffness is having an affect on your mood or is it something else?

----------


## Paula

Ok, Im going to say it just in case. TOTM?

How much are you drinking?

----------


## Jaquaia

I think it's all contributing. I don't think it helps that I've been worrying about getting home on Wednesday because of the fuss his dad has made over driving and J having to borrow one of their cars. 

Paula, shouldn't be TOTM but it's possible as I was a week early last month. Had 3 glasses so far.

----------


## Suzi

There's always other options to get home - even if you have to get a cab. 
Uni work - do you need an extension? 
RA - Didn't your last blood test show active disease? Can you use the tools you have, rest and pace where necessary? 
TOTM - Evening primrose oil? Do you use a tracker? If you were a week early last month, chances are you'll be a week early this month too.... Unless your cycle is like mine and it could just be whenever it f*ing fancies it... 
You've got this love, we've got you, but don't stop talking. We all know that when you're quiet it's coz things aren't great.... We love you, let us help...

----------

Angie (08-01-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

I add it to the calendar on my phone. Definitely when it wants, had 8 last year with between 3 and 11 weeks between. Last bloods my rheumy saw showed my inflammation levels were almost normal but the ultrasound showed inflammation in my ankles. Don't need an extension yet as assignments are due late Jan/early Feb

----------


## Paula

Almost normal isnt normal and, with the ultrasound, it suggests to me its still active. So you still need to be considering the impact of that on, well, everything, surely?

Is Js dad still being funny about things? Does J not have his own car? But, as Suzi says, theres always options, lovely.

----------


## Suzi

If your assignments aren't due in for a while, then what bits are you thinking you are behind in and have to catch up with?
Could you possibly be being too harsh on yourself?

----------


## Jaquaia

My ankles haven't been confirmed as RA and my inflammation levels were low enough for it to be classed as clinically in remission. Apparently CRP levels under 10 are classed as remission and mine were 9.

J's car is still in the garage from before Christmas. It needs something on the computer fixing so he's borrowing his dads. There have been a few snotty remarks and they ended up bickering on New Year's Day as the seat in his mums car could do with fixing, his dad was saying it wasn't comfortable and it escalated from there when J asked why they kept it then. And J's dad somehow managed to rip the wing mirror off their runaround...




> If your assignments aren't due in for a while, then what bits are you thinking you are behind in and have to catch up with?
> Could you possibly be being too harsh on yourself?


No. Currently week 12 and I haven't even completed week 3. Definitely behind.

----------


## Suzi

OK.... Uni - how come you're on week 3? You seem to be spending lots of time reading - are you up to date with the reading?  It's all sortable. You know you can do it. I know you can. 

WRT the car, if it's that much of an issue, then what about getting there by train/walk/cab? If you took the kids too then it'd be a real adventure!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Struggling to focus. I can spend all day with uni work out and not get far at all. I've only been reading in an evening, unless my wrists have been painful, then I've read during the day as I would struggle with holding a pen for long.

----------


## Paula

Have you thought of using an app that takes notes from you talking?

----------


## Suzi

Can you apply for a disabled student allowance? Ben's got one awarded and he's going to get laptop, printer and software that he can scan a page and it will read it to him and one that he can talk and it'll take notes for him... I can find out what it's called if it helps? 

How are you today?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok. Heading out for a driving lesson so will answer fuller later

----------


## Paula

Hunni, youre not ok ....

----------


## Suzi

I agree, I don't think you seem OK either...

----------


## Jaquaia

J said the same thing last night. Maybe I think I'm ok because it's so much better than how I have been. I maybe need to accept a new baseline

----------


## Suzi

Maybe...

----------


## Jaquaia

Definitely not ok now. My stomach is protesting rather vigourously against the cheese and crackers I had for lunch..

----------


## magie06

How is the drinking going?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not great but I have almost a week of J bothering me now so it will improve. I did go for pepsi at the station though rather than risk costa. Need to investigate if they do lactose free milk as I'm not overly keen on the plant milks.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry you're struggling! I've always found oat milk closest but totally Suzi friendly  :O: 

Are you resting? When are you going to J's?

----------


## magie06

How did your driving go?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm at J's. We're watching The Boy in the Dress with the children. Driving was good. I was rusty but quickly settled. Fluffed my turn in the road but still managed to do it

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're having a lovely time. How long are you there for?

----------


## Jaquaia

They only came back from Cruella today and are harder work as they have no routine there. Just put A to bed as she asked me to do stories.

Here until Wednesday

----------


## Suzi

Is it "just" the not driving that is what is stopping you from moving in permanently?

----------


## Jaquaia

Making sure the children are ok with it

----------


## Paula

It sounds to me they already are, perhaps it would help all 4 of you if you put a date on things - E.g. youll aim to move in over the Easter holidays? That way you all know what youre working towards, its not too far off that it feels like forever but it gives you all time to get used to the idea?

----------


## Suzi

That's a good idea. 
Hunni, the kids seem to love you and they know you already stay over.... Have you and J thought of talking to them about it?

----------


## Jaquaia

Actually... J already has. He asked T how he'd feel about me being here all the time at some point and he said he'd be happy with that.

----------


## Suzi

So is there a plan of when?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not yet. We're trying to work it out with my driving lessons as Bob doesn't cover outside of Hull

----------


## Angie

Could you meet the driving instructor at a pickup and drop off point ?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've suggested my staying at my parents the night before. That way I can also still help them with housework and claim carers for a bit longer.

----------


## Angie

That sounds like a good idea sweetie, my concern would be the housework being left until you went it would leave a lot for you to do in a shorter space of time, am basing that on what you have said that they are relying on you totally at the moment and not being funny itms?

----------


## Suzi

Angie makes a good point. Is that not just going to mean you doing everything in 2 days rather than being able to spread things out?

----------


## Jaquaia

They would have to do more themselves. I wouldn't be able to do it all on my own. To be fair, a lot of my dads pain is self-inflicted, between retiring and now, he's piled on 5 stone and I don't think his body is handling it well...

----------


## Suzi

Any thoughts on getting a cleaner or a carer in to help them?

----------


## Paula

Then I think youre going to need to have a list of things youre prepared to do when youre there and, if the rest isnt done, its down to them itms

----------


## Suzi

Maybe you could talk to them about it and maybe let your siblings know when you know when you are planning to move out?

----------


## Jaquaia

Possibly! 

Just getting ready to set off for the panto! I'm excited!!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Enjoy the panto!!

----------

Jaquaia (10-01-20)

----------


## Suzi

Hope you had a brilliant time!

----------

Jaquaia (11-01-20)

----------


## Angie

Hope you enjoyed the panto sweetie xx

----------


## Suzi

How was it hunni?

----------


## Jaquaia

It was absolutely incredible!!! I was completely blown away by it. The villain was absolutely superb and I laughed so much. A spent most of the first half cuddled into me as the villain scared her. It really was amazing, loved it so much! Apart from the part were they started reading out audience messages and the last one was from J's parents, getting A and T a mention follwed by saying it was my first panto!  :(giggle):

----------


## Paula

Sounds awesome!

----------


## OldMike

Oh no it isn't, oh yes it is  :(giggle): , glad you enjoyed it must be 50 years or more since I last went to a panto.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Sounds like great fun. X

----------


## Suzi

Sounds brilliant!

----------


## Angie

Sounds really good xx

----------


## Paula

How are you doing?

----------


## Jaquaia

Plodding. Stupidly wore heeled boots Friday night, then we took the children to the Railway Museum yesterday so now my ankles ache and are swollen. Just sat studying today

----------


## Paula

Easily done - Im getting grief from Si after wearing heels Friday and being in agony yesterday :/. Did you have a good time with the kids?

----------


## Jaquaia

Friday night yes, yesterday... mostly. There are bits of A's behaviour that needs working on as she often doesn't listen and just does what she wants.

----------


## Paula

Lol, my kids are still doing that  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

The big one is running off in crowded places and near roads. It's dangerous and they've already had to lock down the museum around a year ago because she did just that and J's mum lost sight of her.

----------


## Suzi

REmind me how old is she? Have you/J explained to her how much you love her and that you worry when you can't see her? What about a wrist strap?

----------


## Jaquaia

She's 4, nearly 5. T tends to be sent to keep up with her. I told J rather bluntly that it wasn't fair on T and she needs to learn that she doesn't run off near roads or further than she can be seen comfortably and that she needs to learn the word no too. She held my hand pretty much the entire time from coming out of the museum to the car park as I told her that if she runs off near a road she may end up being knocked over and she'd look like a pancake and everyone would be sad but she wouldn't be allowed in grandpas car as she would make a mess of his seats. Maybe not the best but it worked on New Years Day so thought I'd try it again

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like she's never had that danger awareness drummed into her.

----------


## Jaquaia

No. J tries his best but I think he's still dealing with her shouting at him and being told he wouldn't cope without her. That coming from someone who, when A wouldn't stay in bed the beginning of the week, told her that if she got up, she wouldn't be allowed to go to the new house and would have to stay there on her own. A asked J's mum the next day if she would go visit her...

----------


## Suzi

OMFG That's so horrific. That poor baby. All you can do is show her with love. I can't imagine anyone more perfect to bring her round. She needs you and I think you need her too.... Never underestimate how important you are to her and her development love.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm still utterly appalled that she said that. It got brought up last night before she picked them up and even T asked why on earth she would say something like that.

----------


## Paula

Learning not to run near roads, not being out of sight etc ie danger awareness is something that is learnt gradually, from toddler years up to the end of primary school (actually, teenagers arent so good at it either). I wandered off when I was 6 and wasnt found for an hour. Youre right, its not Ts responsibility to keep an eye on her - hes still learning danger awareness himself at his age. Its the responsibility of all adults caring for young children (inc grandparents) to teach these skills and, while theyre learning, to monitor carefully what the child is doing. Small kids do run off (and 3 year olds especially so, so Im sure it wasnt the first time the museum was in lockdown).

I appreciate her mother is bad at these things but A has had several adults caring for her . What Im trying to say is that she needs teaching - gently - as all kids do, and its the role of every adult in her life to do that. And shes still at the age where they do these things - shes curious, not naughty. But A shouldnt be blamed because, for instance, Js mum lost sight of her .....

----------


## Jaquaia

I know. I may not have children but I know. The point I was trying to get across, obviously poorly, is that sending T to chase after her isn't addressing that behaviour, it's allowing it to continue. And it's not fair that if T does have to grab her to stop her running further, she often hits/kicks/nips/pulls his hair. That is being naughty.

----------


## Suzi

T shouldn't be expected to run and catch her - that just makes it a game!

----------


## Paula

That is naughty, and needs to be dealt with but ..... surely you remember you and your siblings doing the same?

----------


## Jaquaia

No. We very rarely hit each other and didn't run off either as we knew it was more than our life was worth.

----------


## Suzi

How are you today?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok. Busy doing uni work.

----------


## magie06

How are your aches and pains?

----------


## Jaquaia

Ok. Just achey. The weather probably isn't helping.

----------


## Suzi

You don't sound OK to me love....

----------


## Paula

Jaq, youre a talker, at least with us, and one sentence responses isnt your style. Please talk

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm just plodding. Got a fair bit of uni work done. Ankles are swollen and achey. Don't want to go home. Usual really.

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni... I'm so sorry lovely..

----------


## OldMike

The weather doesn't help does it we need warm fine weather not cold, wet and gloomy.

----------


## Paula

Any more thoughts on driving lessons?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm going to talk to my parents about staying there on a Wednesday night

----------


## Suzi

Hold on, does this mean you're planning moving in soon with J and just spending one night at your parents for your driving? AWESOME!

----------


## Jaquaia

April. Provided T is ok with it  :):

----------


## Suzi

Can I ask why not till April?

----------


## Paula

> April. Provided T is ok with it


I cant see any reason why he wouldnt be  :):

----------

Jaquaia (15-01-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

> Can I ask why not till April?


That was my suggestion, purely to let them get to know me better. She moved her partner in really quickly and they're still not sure of him. I'm not putting them through that with me

----------


## Suzi

But I think that you and he are very, very different. You are nurturing, kind, caring, lovely, and approachable and stable. He, from what you've said, is short tempered and not nice at all! Why not make a thing of it together in half term?  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I think it's us wanting to give him time to get used to the idea and give him chance to get to know me better and also give my parents chance to adjust to me not being here. It gives me time to go through my stuff too.

----------


## Suzi

Fair enough - I wasn't meaning to second guess you or to push you, was just wondering as you seem so much more settled when you are there....

----------


## Jaquaia

I am. I work a lot better there too. I don't want to push it too quickly with the children though, and if I gradually spend more time there, they'll be used to me being there by April.

----------


## Suzi

Fair point lovely...

----------


## Jaquaia

Both sets of parents know. His parents seem really pleased, his mum said it will be like her birthday present. My parents haven't said as much. My dad said nothing at all and my mum said she was expecting it and it was ok for me to stay Wednesdays until I can drive. That was it. I got a snotty comment a little later about packing when I was sorting some stuff out in my room. That's it.

----------


## Suzi

Oh, I'm sorry lovely. You deserve more than that.....

----------


## Jaquaia

I can't say I'm that surprised

----------


## Suzi

It must hurt?

----------


## Jaquaia

After everything I've been through, I would hope they are happy for me. He treats me incredibly well and it's obvious he loves me. What more can they want for me really? 

Oh well. His parents are happy about it anyway!

----------


## Suzi

I can understand them being worried about you, but I'd hope they'd be happy for you too... I'm sure they will be, but I'm sure they are trying to work out how they'll cope without you too... .

----------


## Paula

Oh sweetheart  :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

What was lovely was T on Saturday. I looked after him while J took A to her dance class and while we were sat watching TV, he came out with "Dad said when you move in, you'll be bringing lots of books". He seems to have accepted me, apparently they both really like me, but I still want them to have a chance to know me better.

----------


## magie06

That's very understandable. I think you are right to wait. It's not going to be easy, I expect your parents may make things difficult. But you are stronger than you know, and you've got something wonderful awaiting you.

----------

Jaquaia (16-01-20),OldMike (16-01-20)

----------


## Paula

Js parents seem like very loving, warm, kind people

----------

Jaquaia (16-01-20),OldMike (16-01-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

They seem to have really taken to me. They took me home yesterday and took me for lunch first. They done that a few times.

----------


## Suzi

That's lovely! 
I love what T said about you! It's a when not if! Sounds like you and T get on really well! 

How are you today? Ankles? Wrists?

----------

Jaquaia (16-01-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

We seem to have bonded over Man Utd! And I'll sit and talk to him and listen to him. He knows his mum doesn't like me but I think it helps too that J's parents talk about me and are really positive about me. T doesn't trust his mum but he trusts J and his grandparents.

Ankles are stiff and a little swollen. Hopefully it won't affect mt clutch work!

----------


## Suzi

That's really sad that's how he feels about his mum.... You really are now and going to be so important in their lives. 
Man U? Hasn't the poor boy suffered enough?  :(rofl): 

Hope the clutch goes well  :O:

----------

Jaquaia (16-01-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

Cheeky!  :(rofl): 

A demanded I did bedtime stories Thursday night and when she came down later, J said to her about getting her back to bed... "no! I want Kerry to take me!"  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Aww! You're epic!

----------

Jaquaia (16-01-20)

----------


## Paula

Of course theyve taken to you. Youre kind and loving. Who wouldnt?

----------

Flo (17-01-20),Jaquaia (16-01-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

I drove home again! And parked in a bay!!! Very few mistakes too, so chuffed!!!

----------

OldMike (16-01-20)

----------


## Angie

Thats brilliant and its so lovely with J's children x

----------

Jaquaia (16-01-20)

----------


## Suzi

Go you! That's awesome!  :):

----------

Jaquaia (16-01-20)

----------


## magie06

You see! You are really amazing. 
It's really very sad that T doesn't have trust in his mum. I know I've had problems in the past with my dealings with Ais, but in her whole life I don't think she ever didn't trust me. It's very sad that T doesn't have that. 
But he will with you, and that's what's important.

----------

Jaquaia (16-01-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

J messaged me to tell me the children were disappointed I wasn't there  :):

----------

Paula (16-01-20)

----------


## Suzi

Aww! So could you move the moving date forward? Maybe ask them? It could be such fun doing it in 1/2 term together....

----------

Jaquaia (16-01-20)

----------


## Paula

> J messaged me to tell me the children were disappointed I wasn't there


I dont think you really have to worry about giving them them extra time to get to know you - they obviously already adore you and want you in their lives permanently

----------

Jaquaia (16-01-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

> Aww! So could you move the moving date forward? Maybe ask them? It could be such fun doing it in 1/2 term together....


Possibly. But it would be hard for me to get everything sorted what with uni work too.

----------


## Paula

what is there to do? Maybe writing it down will make is easier to get it right in your head itms?

----------


## Jaquaia

A lot of my books are packed as I never unpacked them when I moved back home and my clothes will be easy to do as I've already had a clear out and gotten rid of loads. DVDs, CDs, electrical stuff, uni stuff, candles/knick knacks, ornaments... just off the top of my head! First thing is getting her stuff out of the house

----------


## Suzi

She's still got stuff there? Why?

----------


## Jaquaia

She's refused to collect it claiming she didn't have the room

----------


## Suzi

Bonfire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




ETA: No, don't do that, that was a stupid idea and probably not legal too!

----------


## Jaquaia

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl): 

She's moving in just under a fortnight, she's getting a house with the new bf (£300 a month more rent then she's paying now. It will be interesting if it doesn't work out as she can't afford that on her own...). She said she'll take her stuff then so we're packing up as much as we can over the weekend. There's only the loft, hallway and dvd's to sort now.

----------


## Angie

Glad its getting sorted, why not start packing a box a day of your stuff so it will be easier when you do move just things you dont use often or can get in and out the boxes easy.

----------


## Suzi

YAY! Get rid of her sh(t! Make it yours and J's home with A and T! 

How are you today?

----------


## Jaquaia

> Glad its getting sorted, why not start packing a box a day of your stuff so it will be easier when you do move just things you dont use often or can get in and out the boxes easy.


I'm going to try and declutter as I do it. There's lots I won't need so might as well give it to the charity shop. 




> YAY! Get rid of her sh(t! Make it yours and J's home with A and T! 
> 
> How are you today?


Well J spoke to T last night and he's said he's happy about me moving in! He said he likes how they got to meet me properly and how they've got chance to get to know me. She introduced them for all of 10 minutes then he was there all the time. He didn't like that, they're not sure about him at all. 

I'm ok, just tired. Have got a wash in and going to do some reading for uni and then back at J's tomorrow night

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo!!! I think they're very much looking forward to having you there to be a stable figure in their lives. 

Pacing today? Good!

----------


## Jaquaia

I hope so!

T got my phone number from J at the weekend so he could send me stuff. I sent him a photo of a Man Utd teddy I have yesterday except it was seen before she actually dropped T's phone off with him...

----------


## Flo

I won't say we told you so!!.....But we told you so!!! The kids love you and your new life with them is taking shape. Re her 'left behind' garbage. If she doesn't take it go to a car boot and set up a table and flog it! That is of course if it's worth anything! Really pleased that all is well with you. :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

It all looks like tat to me Flo!  :(giggle): 

Thank you!

----------


## Paula

Shes going to see texts from you (though I never saw my kids texts). if she doesnt like it she knows where she can stick it  :@: . Youre in their lives and shes going to have to get over herself

----------


## Jaquaia

J isn't happy with her reading it. She even goes through his messages to his dad. She did that a few weeks ago and saw that T had begged his dad to go to him instead of her parents after school as his friend had left and he was sad and scared they would take the mickey. She went ballistic at him when he got up and asked if he wanted to live with his dad... 

A was funny the other day though. She was at J's parents and his mum had a box on the bed A uses when they stay there.

"Granny, how will I get into bed?"
"Well I will have to move the box"
"Good because I want to stay here tonight!"
"I don't think mummy will let you"
"Let's just not listen to mummy"  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

I know my kids have all had phones since they were in year 6 at school (the Easter holidays actually because they walked to school for SATs revision on their own), and they know that the "deal" for them having phones/laptops/tablets etc is that: "at any given time I have the right to ask for them to bring me any device I ask for and I will search through it." But I've never done it. It's like reading their diaries or listening to any private conversation.... That's horrible. 

What did T say when she asked if he wanted to live with his Dad?

----------


## Jaquaia

She has no need to police his conversation with his dad. To me that is a gross invasion of privacy.

He hasn't given a straight answer, but when J told him that he would have him all the time if he could, T's reply was that he would still want to see his mum but she'd take it as him wanting nothing to do with her...

----------


## Suzi

I wasn't meaning to imply there was a need to police it - sorry... 

He shouldn't feel like that!

----------


## Jaquaia

No I know lovely! I can understand wanting to check his convos with his friends, he's only just turned 10, but checking his convos with his dad is out of order.

J has told him I sent him a message and he's excited about getting the teddy  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Well T has asked for me to go tonight instead so on my way to J's now!!!

----------

Paula (17-01-20)

----------


## Angie

Aww brilliant xxx

----------


## Suzi

That's fab!  :):

----------


## Paula

How are you doing, lovely lady?

----------


## Suzi

You're quiet - is that because things are good or because they aren't that good?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm tired. J brought be home last night, though he really didn't want to, and I've been up since 7 as had blood tests this morning. Going to have breakfast and do a couple of hours work and will reply in full later.

----------


## Suzi

Why did you go home last night? Are you OK?

----------


## Paula

Has the timeframe changed for moving in?

----------


## Jaquaia

Because my appointment was really early this morning. I'm ok, just wish I was there




> Has the timeframe changed for moving in?


Not at the moment but we are starting to move my books across at some point over the next month.

----------


## Suzi

You sound so sad... How was the appointment?

----------


## Paula

I love that your priority is to move your books before any of your other possession  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

> You sound so sad... How was the appointment?


I love being there with him and the children. It already feels like home.




> I love that your priority is to move your books before any of your other possession


Of course!!! Would you expect anything else from me??  :O: 

That and there's already loads packed...

----------


## Suzi

It's brilliant that you feel comfortable there lovely... You must be counting down weeks and days...

----------


## Jaquaia

I am! We're going to start gradually moving my stuff in next month so I can start getting it unpacked and start spending more time there so the children can get used to things over time rather than it being a sudden thing. Plus it won't interfere too much with uni.

The children are funny though. Last Thursday they came out of school and asked where I was so J told them "at home". A walked into the house shouting for me and T was disappointed when he realised J meant my home and not theirs. When we picked them up the Friday of the panto, A came running out of school shouting my name, took zero notice of her dad but came straight for me. This Friday, T said about granny and grandpa staying with them so J could pick me up, hence J coming for me early. It made me sad yesterday though. I was sat helping Thomas with his homework and J told me that he doesn't remember her ever sitting and helping him with his homework before. I've also made it clear to T that if he isn't happy about me moving in, it's really important he says so and that he won't be in trouble.

----------

Paula (21-01-20),Suzi (21-01-20)

----------


## Suzi

I've always loved sitting with mine doing homework - even if it's stuff I have no idea about (simultaneous quadratic equations atm for eg or 3D trigonometry with Ben)because I love listening to them explaining things and just being in the same space they are and when they "get" something it's an amazing feeling. I'm so glad you're showing him how important his homework is and how important they are. They need that.

----------


## Jaquaia

I think the world of them both already.

T came out of school and asked when I'm staying next  :):

----------


## Suzi

You are exactly what those babies need....

----------

Jaquaia (21-01-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

Had a tutorial this evening and about 15 minutes in, T messaged me to tell me he misses me.

I may have become a little emotional...

----------


## Suzi

Awwwww!!!! You really are making such an amazing difference to them and they haven't known you for long....

----------

Jaquaia (21-01-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

They're lovely children. They can be utter pains in the arse at times but which children can't?! They mean the world to me already

----------


## Suzi

That's wonderful!!!

----------


## Paula

Awwwww

----------


## Jaquaia

I never expected that, certainly not yet!

----------


## Suzi

But you're wonderful!

----------

Jaquaia (22-01-20)

----------


## Paula

I never doubted it  :):

----------

Jaquaia (22-01-20)

----------


## Mira

It tells how involved the children are with you already. What a great compliment is that. Not just to you but your whole family. You are already a unit. And as I see it this is something you deserve truly because you are such a warm awesome person.

----------

Jaquaia (22-01-20),Paula (22-01-20)

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing love?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok. Tired. At appointment number 3 in 2 days, chest clinic with my mother! Then after here it's bladder nurse, then home, lunch, uni work, tea, tutorial and maybe some relaxing reading!

----------


## Suzi

Blimey what a day!

----------


## Jaquaia

Have to admit, I've had a nap!!! Was suddenly exhausted and couldn't keep my eyes open

----------


## Paula

Dont blame you!

----------


## Jaquaia

A isn't happy with me as I'm not there...

----------


## Paula

Have you discussed with the kids you moving in sooner?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not yet. Once I've got my assignments out of the way I can start going through my stuff properly and we can start moving my stuff across. Sarah is coming up for my mums birthday and Talia is going with her then.

----------


## Suzi

I think it's amazing that they want you to be there all the time!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm a bit taken aback at how quickly they've taken to me!

I made sure I messaged T for when he finished school. He had misplaced the teddy I gave him but didn't want to tell me as he was worried I'd be cross. I wanted to make sure he knew that he didn't need to worry as I wasn't cross and that I misplace stuff all the time. 

Head is blown now, almost an hour of my tutor talking about descriptive and inferential statistics and how to write them up and analyse them! I'm going to be dreaming about p values tonight!!!

----------


## magie06

Good night sweetie. I hope your dreams are filled with all the lovely things you are going to do very, very soon (and not about boring stuff).

----------

Jaquaia (23-01-20)

----------


## Suzi

Aww poor T! I'm so glad that you reassured him, it's so sad he's so worried about something like that.

----------

Jaquaia (23-01-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

He's found it now. It only got misplaced as they stayed at granny and grandpas Monday night and he took it with him. He even took it to Shildon with us on Sunday! But he shouldn't be so worried and I blame her for that. Her who is being really nice and reasonable at the moment... it's unnerving...

Driving lesson soon and it's foggy! Help! Then J is taking me for lunch, then it's back to my uni work! I had a chat via email with my tutor after the tutorial last night. She's given me a 2 week extension and will ring me next week if I need help. She's lovely!

----------


## Suzi

I'm really glad that you've talked things over with your tutor - does that mean more time to pack and start moving stuff over?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not anytime soon really, her assignment is one of 3...

----------


## Jaquaia

Result!!! My exam is in Hull!!!  :(party):

----------

Paula (23-01-20)

----------


## magie06

Is that near you?

----------


## Jaquaia

It's my home town. My anxiety has been pretty high since I got the email yesterday telling me the venues were being released as I was expecting Leeds or York. It's a huge relief as I know exactly where it is. 

Got a letter from my consultant today too. My ultrasounds showed no active disease in my hands and wrists so she's dropping my methotrexate down to 20mg from my next prescription and I'm to see how I get on with it. The ultrasound showed "tendinopathic changes" in my ankles (whatever that means) so she's referred me to the physio.

----------


## Suzi

YAY for your exam in Hull!  :): 

How do you feel about the drop in metho? 
Yay physio... ???

----------


## Jaquaia

Honestly? I'm unsure. Lots of what ifs going through my mind. 25mg didn't work on its own, they had to add hydroxychloroquine too, so what if the drop kicks everything off again? Maybe 25mgs is what was needed to get it under control. But there's only one way to find out. And if I do start flaring again I can ring the rheumatology nurse, though they're reluctant to give me steroids because of my MH
Likewise with physio, my concern is they'll just blame my weight...

----------


## Paula

Youve lost loads, so they cant really say that, surely?. And, tbh, Ive never had a physio or osteopath blame my weight for any of the issues Ive had. Ive found they just deal with the issue at hand ie exercises

----------


## Jaquaia

I've had my weight blamed for various things. It's why I never got a second opinion on my hip as they dismissed the fact it only hurts around TOTM and just blamed my weight.

----------


## Paula

But youve lost loads, so, if it was the weight, it would make more sense that things like your ankles would be improving.

----------


## Jaquaia

It would. It's not my experience though. Going to try not to think about it anyway, there's no point until I get my appointment through.

----------


## Suzi

Hunni, all you can do is give it a go and see - as you've said you can always go back up again.... 
Oh I totally understand the weight thing, but as Paula has said, you've lost so much....

----------


## magie06

What have you planned for the w/e? Are you going to see J or are you resting? You've put in a very busy week and I'm worried that your battery is almost flat.

----------


## Jaquaia

The weekend is mostly uni work.  I have an assignment due on Thursday and one the following Monday. J is popping to see me tomorrow though and I'm going to my sisters on Sunday as Scarlett keeps asking for me. She seems to like me changing her nappy...

----------


## magie06

That's so sweet. How old is she now?

----------


## Paula

She loves her aunty! Awwwwww

----------


## Jaquaia

She's 2 and a half now. She asked my mum where I was on Thursday...

"At home"
"Why?"
"Why? Do you want to see her?"
"Yes"
"She'll come and see you Sunday"
"To change my nappy?"

Love you too kid!

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

Lol! Sounds perfect!

----------


## OldMike

:(rofl):   :(rofl):   :(rofl):  I can laugh because I've never changed a nappy.

----------


## Jaquaia

Changing nappies has never phased me.

J has let me know that Cruella has read my messages to T and isn't happy. Apparently me reassuring him that I wasn't cross with him about the bear means I was inferring she would have got cross with him (which she would have) and that I'm trying to replace her...

----------


## Suzi

She's always going to take things the wrong way love, it was never going to be easy or straightforward.

----------

Jaquaia (24-01-20)

----------


## magie06

If you had been cross with him, she would still say the same thing. She's evil and if life was a panto, she'd be the wicked stepmother, not you.

----------

Jaquaia (24-01-20),Suzi (25-01-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

Magie, that made me smile.

I'd just like a day where she didn't need to be mentioned

----------


## Paula

Thats unlikely to happen just yet, lovely. Youll get there.just be strong, together  :(bear): 

On the plus side, youre not in the situation Si has always been in with Katies dad  :(giggle):

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm struggling a bit today. I'm focusing on money issues when I move in and it's making me want to say we should wait until I've managed to pay off some debt.

----------


## Paula

Why? Surely youre in this relationship together, warts and all?

----------


## Jaquaia

Because it's me?

----------


## Suzi

Talk to him.....

----------


## Jaquaia

I tried. He said the same as Paula and was smug when I showed him Paula's reply!

----------


## Suzi

Lol! She is right though lol But I'm glad you told him!

----------


## Paula

> Lol! She is right though lol


THANK you. Now how do I get a certificate?  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Talk to Sarah, that's her department, I just award chufty badges  :O:

----------


## Paula

I tried...... maybe Im just not worthy :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

:(giggle):

----------


## Strugglingmum

> THANK you. Now how do I get a certificate?


Flip me. 2 of you that are always right???!!!!!! ........... getting dangerous round here!  :(giggle):

----------


## Jaquaia

:(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

Had another chat to J today about moving in. He's said we'll manage fine on his wages, even with my bills to pay and he wants me with him. So I guess that is settled!

----------


## Suzi

Hooray! - Not that I doubted it at all!

----------


## Jaquaia

It's just me being me. My mood has been pretty low so thinking TOTM is due. I know J has said my mood concerns him sometimes. But he made it quite clear that he would rather work some overtime or take on commission work if we needed the money, then put off my moving in.

----------

Suzi (26-01-20)

----------


## Angie

Thats brilliant so have you thought of a date yet

----------


## Paula

Good. So when are you moving in?

----------


## Jaquaia

We're going to start moving my stuff when he picks my up on his long weekend, so in around 2 weeks.

----------


## Paula

:(party):

----------


## magie06

:(party):  :(y):  :(clap):

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo!!!! That's so exciting!

----------


## Jaquaia

It really is!!! Her stepdad is picking up the rest of her stuff today and then she's completely gone, other then what may be in the loft and the summerhouse.

Scarlett has barely left me alone! We've played games, she's shown me her new bed, she made me get in her new bed and hide under the quilt with her! We've played scaring her, I got chosen to take her to the toilet... exhausted now!!!

----------


## Suzi

You could start taking a bag of your things when he picks you up lol

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm meeting him from work on Thursday so I'm going to fill my bag up with other things. Then the week after my mums birthday, I'm staying his long weekend. So he's picking me up after my driving lesson and we're going to load the car up. It's exciting!!!

----------


## Suzi

I'm so pleased for you!

----------

Jaquaia (26-01-20)

----------


## Angie

Am really happy for you

----------

Jaquaia (26-01-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

Trying to print out my analysis table so I don't have to sit with my laptop all day but my printer is being a dick. Currently waiting for the software to reinstall so I can try again. Fed up already

----------


## Suzi

Technology issues are a complete pita! Hope it's sorted... 

How are you feeling today lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not sorted, given up on it. I'll just work into my notebook. A print job won't delete so it's not letting anything else through to the printer. 

I'm ok. Just psyching myself up to start my assignment. On the plus side, I've got rid of a stack of papers from uni and school while I was waiting for the software to reinstall.

----------


## Suzi

Can you unplug the printer, count to 10 and restart it?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tried that several times. It can't even do a diagnose and repair!

----------


## Suzi

Oh bugger!

----------


## Jaquaia

Never mind. I have 70 words. Only another 1730 to go...

----------

Suzi (27-01-20)

----------


## OldMike

> Can you unplug the printer, count to 10 and restart it?


That's my solution though I usually count to 60 as minute might do what 10 seconds doesn't  :(giggle):

----------


## Paula

Would counting to ten and bashing it with a hammer help??  :(giggle):

----------


## Jaquaia

Not really but it was tempting!!!

----------


## Jaquaia

I was right. TOTM. No wonder my mood hasn't been good over the past week or so.

----------


## Paula

I thought you were going to talk to the doctor about that?...

----------


## Jaquaia

Getting an appointment is a nightmare. And with meeting the children, Eleanor arriving, Christmas and uni work, I'd forgotten

----------


## Paula

Can you make the call today then?

----------


## Suzi

Call today and get the first appointment you can and then call each day to see if you can get an earlier one?

----------


## Jaquaia

It's not an emergency. I'll keep checking online, and if not, I'm changing doctors soon so will need to see someone to get my meds represcribed

----------


## Suzi

Fair enough... Have you found a new GP yet?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not yet. We're going to get new patient forms next time J orders his meds. The annoying thing is I can't have my meds sent to the chemist attached as there is only one chain of  pharmacies that has the contract to supply my AD

----------


## Paula

Could you get all the meds except your AD sent to the chemist? Or maybe find another chemist thats nearby that do supply them?

----------


## Jaquaia

There's one in Beverley so I'll just ask for my meds to be sent there. There's also one in Driffield and Market Weighton so it will be fine.

----------


## Suzi

AS long as you've got it sorted lovely....

----------


## Jaquaia

It's easily sorted, a bit awkward with me not driving yet but doable.

----------


## Paula

Thats what doing things together is all about  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

OMGOMGOMG!!!! Mark Morriss is playing an acoustic set with Adam Devlin in Beverley on my birthday!!! On my birthday!!! 10 minutes from where I'll be living!!!!

And Hull in August!!! But Beverley!!! On my actual birthday!!!!

I may be a little excited...

----------


## Paula

So, might there be tickets for your birthday??

----------


## Jaquaia

"Are you booking them?"
"Me??? You could get tickets for my birthday present!"

Who said I can't do subtle?!  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Good for you! That does sound so cool!

----------


## Jaquaia

Well when I'm buying him an £85 loco for Christmas, it's only fair!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm being good. I have around 500 words done but I'm struggling to focus on the various theories of depression I have to write about, so the laptop is off, the textbooks are away, and I'm going to settle down with a fun book.

Though this module has made me think I would like to do the mental health route rather than the psychology route so I think my next step will be the MSc in Mental Health Science  :):

----------


## Paula

Im impressed! Listening to your body!

----------


## Mira

That is a great treat for your birthday. And that makes thinking what to get you real easy  :):

----------


## Suzi

How are you today love? How's the uni work going?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm 2/3 of the way through the methods table and a quarter of the way through the essay, so getting there!

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo! Go you!!!! You can do it!! Oh and it's probably time to remind you that you need a drink...

----------


## Jaquaia

Have a drink. Gone out for my hair cutting!

----------


## Suzi

OOO how's the hair looking?

----------


## Paula

Piccy?  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

Wish I could but the hairdresser never bothered showing up. She should have been at my dads cousins by half 12 and only bothered letting us know about 20 to 2. And not even via a phone call, she texted my dads cousins daughter and asked her to pass the message on instead... so I'm going to start using the hairdressers J uses instead.

I'm annoyed as it's almost 2 hours I could have spent on my assignment...

----------


## Suzi

I'd be peed off too!

----------


## Jaquaia

Still working. I'm around 500 words short on my essay and 100 words over on my research methods table. Editing down should be straight forward and I need to cover the neurotrophic and monoamine theories of depression with evidence in those 500 words so it's doable. Just starting to flag now.

----------


## Paula

Then maybe you ought to stop ....

----------


## Jaquaia

I've stopped. Settling down with a relaxing book for a little while

----------

Paula (29-01-20)

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're snuggled in bed and sleeping x

----------


## Jaquaia

Question 1 edited down, the essay is over the 500 word mark, and Scarlett has sat on my textbooks!!!

Oh and most of today's lesson was at pass standard  :O:

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo! Those are brilliant things!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Submitted!!! Looking at my mum dropping me off at the station as my dad has to go for an emergency endoscopy so will spend a couple of hours at Costa while I wait for my train and finish the reading for my next assignment

----------


## Suzi

Hope your Dad is ok love? 
Off to J's?

----------


## Jaquaia

I am. There until Monday.

Not sure. He had a phone call yesterday calling him in for it. Ended up at the hospital with them as my mum was flapping about dropping me off and making it to the hospital in time...

----------


## Suzi

Hooray for J's until Monday lovely! 
Hope all is OK with your Dad.

----------


## Jaquaia

Me too. But believe it or not, his last consultant never did an endo...

----------


## Suzi

That's madness!

----------


## Jaquaia

MRI and CT I think, but no endo. I would have thought an endo would be logical. So hopefully the emergency appointment is his new consultant wanting to get him sorted after more than a year

----------


## Suzi

It seems bonkers that it hasn't happened before...

----------


## Jaquaia

Gastritis with some erosions in the stomach. They've taken some biopsies to test for heliobacter pylori and given him something to help reduce acid. 

Apparently this showed up on his MRI so they're not sure how the last consultant missed it...

----------


## Suzi

That isn't good that it's been missed....

----------


## Jaquaia

No it isn't. No wonder he's been in so much pain. At least this consultant is doing something

Currently sat in subway stuffing my face. Starving now!

----------


## magie06

Did you drive this morning as well as doing all the other stuff?

----------


## Jaquaia

I did. I have no idea how my mum can sit with the clutch down for any length of time with her legs the way they are as my ankle was throbbing! I had to put it in neutral and use the handbrake.

----------


## magie06

I would find it difficult to drive any other car than my own.

----------


## Suzi

I love my car as it's automatic - I had to give in and change from a manual. Best thing I did. Marc's even now got an auto so I can jump in and drive it too!

----------


## Jaquaia

J wants my driving licence so I can go on his insurance. 2 litre MG ZT... could be interesting..m

----------


## magie06

My sister got the offer of a car from my brother but it's 15 years old and no one would insure her on it. Not even the company she's insured with in her other car.

----------


## Paula

I got an automatic even before my fall as my hyper mobility meant twisting my knee wasnt a good idea. My licence is now auto too. Sis just had to get over his ego and drive an auto lol

----------

OldMike (31-01-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

Just want to say that my tutor for my main psychology module is absolutely amazing!!! She's just emailed me to see how I'm getting on  :):

----------

OldMike (31-01-20)

----------


## magie06

That's brilliant. They all want you to do well.

----------


## Paula

Youre pretty amazing too!

----------

Jaquaia (31-01-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't see it but I'll accept you think that

----------


## Suzi

You're epic!

----------

Jaquaia (31-01-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

My next essay is comparing mindfulness and existential counselling... I hate it. Help!

----------


## Paula

Erm...... but I know youve got this!

----------


## Jaquaia

Do you think "I'm more drawn towards existential therapy as the audio made mindfulness sound incredibly dull and like a huge load of  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: " would be an acceptable answer?  :(think):

----------


## Suzi

I'd offer to help you, but I think you should work it out on your own.......  :(think):   :(think):

----------


## Jaquaia

The book chapter is ok so I'll be able to summarise ok, it's just the two people the chapter author interviewed for the audio. One sounded like she was nodding off and they botth waffled more than me trying to hit my word limit!

----------


## Paula

Mindfulness is the secret to my success re my pain. Does that help??  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

And mine lol

----------


## Jaquaia

Funnily enough, mindfulness first came about as a way of dealing with lower back pain!

Just sitting down to start my essay. So far this morning I've showered, fed the cat and myself, cat bolted his food and threw it back up so cleaned that up, banged my head as the playhouse door had come open so went to shut it, or try to anyway...

Essay writing now. And a big bag of fizzy cola bottles!

----------


## Suzi

Oh no! Yuk, cat sick....  How did you bang your head on the playhouse? 

Good plan with the cola bottles!

----------


## Jaquaia

Because I didn't duck low enough!

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  How's it going?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've written my self-reflection and am nearly 700 words into my essay. Laptop is nearly dead so I'm going to stick it on charge in the kitchen, settle on the sofa with my notepad and textbook and write the next section by hand. The children are being dropped off around 6 and I will look at typing it up once the children are in bed! 

I need the break as I kept putting the wrong author in my references!!!

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're having a great time with the children!

----------


## Jaquaia

They've been fed as they've only had chips as they didn't like what Cruella and the social worker did for tea, and they're in their pjs. I'm in sole charge until J gets home!

----------


## Suzi

What did they create for the children to eat?

----------


## Jaquaia

Steak and gravy pie with chips. Yet neither of them like gravy

----------


## Suzi

Oh........  :(:  Sounds like extra stories and cuddles are needed to be given out.... Cheese on toast and hot chocolate too!

----------


## Jaquaia

They had a lunchable, a bag of crisps and some chocolate fingers. Abbie has had 4 stories, but is in bed which is good as J isn't very well

----------


## Suzi

Oh no, what's up with J? 
Hope you all had a lovely evening...

----------


## Jaquaia

We think he's picked up a bug so he's under strict orders to rest. So the plan is playmobil with the children and a quick trip into Beverley for a bit of shopping we need. 

It made me sad when he said he's not used to being looked after when he's poorly

----------


## Paula

That is sad, but he has that now and thats what matters

----------


## Suzi

Exactly as Paula says xx

----------


## Jaquaia

Essay number 2 submitted! 200 words under the word limit but it's submitted and that's the main thing. It was starting to annoy me! I can focus on trying to keep up with the modules I'm up to date with and try and catch up and write my research report!

----------

Paula (03-02-20)

----------


## magie06

Well done. You are amazing.

----------


## Paula

Well done you!

----------


## Suzi

Well done lovely!

----------


## Jaquaia

I can't wait to move. I always feel sad when I come home. A wasn't happy when I told her I was going home today, and the first thing they did when J picked them up was asked when I was there next. A has asked me to go to her birthday party, which is not going to go down well at all...

----------


## Suzi

Awwww I'm so glad that they've taken to you so fast! I'm sorry you have to go back to your parents...

----------


## Paula

Not long now, hunni. Are you going to the party?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've told J that he needs to bring it up with Cruella. J's dad was right in what he said that other day, they both need to grow up and realise me and her bf are around. I do understand J being angry with him, as how he behaved on Christmas Eve, especially as the children heard, was appalling, but holding a grudge doesn't help anything. She needs to put her children first for a change and realise that Abbie wants me there. But if she insists that I don't go, then her bf should have to stay away too. 

I don't feel comfortable just showing up as I don't trust her not to ruin it for A, and she's threatened me a few times too, so I'm wary.

----------


## Suzi

I hope you're keeping note re her threatening you....

----------


## Jaquaia

It's been noted. It's more general "I won't be held responsible for my actions if I'm ever in the same room as her" and it's not as if she can do anything with a broken foot but that's not really the point is it!

----------


## Suzi

Broken foot? 

How are you today? What's on today's agenda?

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh! Have I not said? She fell down the stairs the weekend she moved and broke her foot  :(giggle):  karma does bite sometimes!

I'm a little stiff but that will go when I get up. And Talia is going with Sarah on Monday, so feeling bad that she's going on my mums birthday. But my mums insisting she can't keep her as she gets under her feet. 

Today will be studying. Got 2 audios to listen to, a chapter on addiction to finish and an online activity to do to be completely up to date with 2 modules, then it's just knuckling down to my big module

----------


## Paula

How are you feeling about Talia?

----------


## Jaquaia

A little sad but I've never really been a dog person so I don't actually know until she goes. Guilty mainly, because I know my mum is upset about it. J is feeling guilty too

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Sorry about Talia. These things are always so hard. 

How's the studying going?

----------


## Jaquaia

Took a break but plodding along. I work a lot better at J's

----------


## Suzi

When are you back there?

----------


## Jaquaia

A week on Thursday. I said I'd be home this weekend with it being my mums birthday

----------


## Suzi

When's A's birthday party?

----------


## Jaquaia

A week on Thursday. It's my mums 60th on Monday so we're going out for a family meal on Sunday, and a meal with Sarah on Monday, then it's Abbie's birthday on Tuesday but J is working so won't see her, then her party Thursday after school

----------


## Paula

Then you move in?

----------


## Jaquaia

In around 8 weeks!!!!  :(party):

----------

Paula (04-02-20)

----------


## Suzi

OO can you bring it forward at all?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm spending more and more time there so being at my parents some of the time allows me to sort my stuff out as well as do uni work

----------


## Suzi

OOO I'm surprised you're not filling up bags and taking them over each time you go  :O:  I'm so happy for you.

----------


## Jaquaia

I've taken over a stack of books!!! And I've had basic toiletries and a dressing gown there for a while now. Next week is more books and dvds, maybe CDs too! He's even paying for my hair cutting! I asked him to find out how much it would be so I could draw the money out and his response was to roll his eyes and smack me across the back of the head a la Gibbs from NCIS!!!

Oh and have I said Cruella knows I'm moving in???

----------


## Paula

Good, that hurdles dealt with

----------


## Jaquaia

It hasn't gone down well. A told her I was moving in next week  :(giggle):  She questioned T who told her it was likely to be April/May time, and then had a go at J for not having the decency to tell her. He pointed out that we hadn't decided on a date yet but had talked to the children about it as we wanted to make sure they were ok with it.

----------


## Paula

She didnt tell J her bf was moving in, if I recall correctly .......

----------


## Suzi

Exactly, what's good the goose and all that....

----------


## Jaquaia

That was exactly what I said!!! She's said again that if it wasn't for me they could have worked through things. J told her no and that she'd been looking for an excuse to get out for years. God knows how her bf would feel if he heard she was still saying these things, though he's not the brightest. J's parents were waiting for the kids to be dropped off for school yesterday and at quarter to 9 they still hadn't shown up and they were worried. She never answered her phone when they rang so J's dad went across to the school to find out what was going on. Her bf had got lost so took them straight to school instead. And the reason he got lost was because he got directions from the 4 year old...

----------


## Suzi

At least he took them to school, but why didn't he call?

----------


## Jaquaia

No idea!!!

Stressed now! Hermes have apparently delivered my parcel but the picture in the safe space isn't my house!

----------


## Suzi

Oh no!!! Can you contact them and ask for more specifics?

----------


## Jaquaia

Can't get in touch with Hermes, they say you need to speak to the company you ordered from so emailed customer services as it will be easier to send evidence that way if it's needed.

J has let slip that A doesn't want to tell Cruella that she's asked me to her birthday party so it sounds like I'm being slagged off in front of the children. He's going to speak to T tomorrow

----------


## Suzi

Aww poor A....

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't see what I can do? It's either go and risk her party being ruined because I'm there, or not go and upset A...

----------


## Suzi

Or say that you can't go - that way you don't make Cruella the demon and aren't bad mouthing her etc and then throw a huge almighty party with glitter, unicorns, balloons and all those amazing things when you have her?

----------


## Jaquaia

That's the issue. I'm at J's from the same day, so they'll be leaving me at home...

----------


## Suzi

Ahh.... Then it's one for J to deal with I'm afraid....

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm just worried that no matter the decision, Abbie will end up upset

----------


## Suzi

I know, but you can only do what you can do love....

----------


## Jaquaia

I know. I just hate that it's the children that suffer because she puts her ego first

----------


## Mira

That is something thats not going to change I fear. Her ego seems to be so important to her.

We can not change behavior like that u less she also sees it and wants to change. 

One thing that can be done is something you and J are doing wonderful already. And thats is showing the kids another example. 

I know my stepdad was a bad person. But my mum made everything easier by being a inspiration and guide. 

I think you have that too. Its within you naturely.

----------

Jaquaia (06-02-20),Suzi (06-02-20)

----------


## Paula

I couldnt agree with Mira more

----------


## Suzi

I agree! Mira has put it perfectly... 

How are you today?

----------


## Jaquaia

Thank you Mira!

I'm ok, well... ish! I didn't drive home as I have a headache and sinus pain. A has given me her cold, she was a snotty little madam over the weekend, and I mean that in the literal sense!

----------


## magie06

I wouldn't mind a little snot between friends! 
How was your lesson?

----------


## Jaquaia

It was good! We were working a lot on reversing today

----------


## magie06

I'm almost 18 years driving and I'm still crap at reversing.

----------


## Jaquaia

I should be able to get some extra driving in soon. J is getting me added to his insurance

----------


## magie06

You will see a big difference when you get into the car on a daily basis.

----------


## Paula

Itll definitely up your confidence

----------


## Jaquaia

He's having to change insurers as his current ones won't insure me on his car until I've had my full licence for 2 years!

----------


## Suzi

That's ridiculous!

----------


## Jaquaia

Yet Admiral will insure him, his 75 year old dad and me for £360. Oh and he can get me insured on a big-engined Audi for £700!  :(rofl):

----------

Paula (06-02-20)

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  Glad it's being sorted!

----------


## Jaquaia

Today I have learnt how to run independent and repeated-measures t-tests in SPSS and I've used almost a full roll of loo roll on my nose! Currently giving Rudolph a run for his money in the red-nose stakes...

Resting now though

----------


## Suzi

Glad you're resting love.

----------


## Jaquaia

I have to try and be sensible. I need to catch up with uni work and give myself time to just rest or this bug is going to hit me hard. In hindsight, I probably should have skipped my methotrexate

----------


## Paula

Hindsights always perfect. What are your plans for tomorrow? Rest? Lots of fluid? Day Nurse??

----------


## Jaquaia

Doing the washing (fairly easy as there isn't a lot), plodding through yet MORE statistics (ANOVA tomorrow... something to do with variance), drinking lots, paracetamol, menthol sweets, reading and resting!!!

A and T have been complaining about me not being there  :):

----------


## Suzi

It must be truly lovely to know that they want you around too... 

How are you feeling today? Still snotty?

----------


## Jaquaia

Very snotty!!!

It really is! T was sat trying to figure out how J could come and get me yesterday! I just asked J to tell him that I missed them but I needed time to do uni work and sort my stuff out and the sooner I can do that the sooner I can be there all the time.

----------


## Suzi

Awwwwwww!!! *passes tissues*

----------


## Paula

*accepts tissues and blows nose loudly*

----------


## Jaquaia

I need a lot of tissues!!! J has mentioned getting me some cotton handkerchiefs

----------


## Suzi

Aww bless!  :):

----------


## magie06

I have to agree with J. Much better for the environment.

----------


## OldMike

You're lucky you can manage to study while you're all snotty, I wouldn't be able to but then I'm a man and us guys are rather delicate things  :(giggle):

----------


## Jaquaia

:(giggle): 

Two more weeks worth of statistics tutorials done and 2 full weeks ticked off my catch up list!

----------


## Suzi

Well done love!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

And have 3 bags packed to take to J's next week too!!!

----------

OldMike (08-02-20),Paula (08-02-20)

----------


## Suzi

That's fab! How are you feeling today?

----------


## Jaquaia

Still very snotty! Have taken paracetamol as I have a headache from blowing my nose. Annoyed too. It's A's birthday on Tuesday and J has a lieu day so asked if he could pick her up from school so he can give her her birthday presents. All he's got from Cruella is it's her day and he shouldn't just assume and then she's kicked off about knowing nothing about her birthday party, despite J's dad giving her details over a week ago as soon as it was booked.

----------


## Mira

The drama continues with her  :(: 

Hope the paracetamol works and you feel better soon.

----------


## Jaquaia

It's constant drama with her. It's all about her ego and control, the children are just a way of trying to maintain that control.

----------


## Paula

I think thats common - I was chatting to my hairdresser whos daughter (though 18) has learning difficulties. She had to be admitted to hospital for a few days last week and wouldnt let her mum go home as she was terrified. Instead of offering help, her father kicked off at my friend because he found out E was in hospital from his mother, rather than from my friend. And this was 2 days after shed been admitted, when he hadnt even bothered to text E to say he was thinking of her.

----------


## Suzi

It's something I've seen all too often too... 

The sooner something is agreed legally the better!

----------


## Jaquaia

I've told him that if she won't even let him have an hour then he should show up at the school and make sure her gives her hugs and we'll do presents on Thursday.

----------


## Suzi

Maybe that would really anger her and it might be worth going with what she says this time - send her texts and telling her how much he loves her and can't wait till they have a special day the day after etc? Gives her 2 special birthdays and a party  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

It doesn't matter what he does, she'll always be angry with him. And she'll be at the party too and will probably ruin it. She ruins everything else. T has already commented that she's ruined his last 3 birthdays/Christmas

----------


## Paula

Be very careful, love, that the kids dont run to you to complain about their mother - that will cause a mountain of issues between you all

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok if they do complain to me about her. I'll just log it so it's there if needed.

----------


## Suzi

Yes, but if she says he can't see her, then maybe he's best to follow that but make a note to his solicitor that he was denied access to her on her birthday....

----------


## Jaquaia

I'll mention it when he rings me

----------


## Paula

> I'm ok if they do complain to me about her. I'll just log it so it's there if needed.


What I meant was that, if they start seeing you as someone who listens to their complaints about their mother, eventually it will come out to her and that leaves it all open to her accusing you of poisoning them against her

----------


## Jaquaia

To be honest, T doesn't even complain to J about her, only to J's parents so I'm not sure he would. 

I think her bf may have had a word with her as she's now looking at letting J see A...

----------


## Suzi

Just make sure that they are logging everything. 

Maybe new bf isn't all bad then?

----------


## Jaquaia

I think he reacted badly on Christmas Eve and was out of order, but like I've said to J, he was upset at not seeing his daughter and we have no idea what she has told him. I know with J, the biggest issue is it was within hearing of the children. 

Still really snotty!!! And going out for a family meal today as it's my mums 60th tomorrow. That will be no Eleanor cuddles today then!

----------


## Suzi

Exactly - no one knows what poison she's been feeding him..... 

Hope the birthday lunch is a good one!

----------


## Jaquaia

Well today has been fun...

----------


## Paula

Because?

----------


## Jaquaia

A has cut her hair, resulting in a huge tantrum from Cruella and accusing J's parents of neglect. My mum started a conversation about babies by saying it was my brothers turn next, which cued a load of comments about it being different when it's your own, etc, etc. And then my brother sprung on me that we were sharing the cost of the meal 3 ways, so my share was £42, which would have paid for my meal and dessert, both my mum and dads meal, and my drinks and I don't have that kind of money on me this week. So ending the day feeling pretty inadequate and broken and still have to get all Talia's stuff together ready for tomorrow.

----------


## Mira

So sorry that happened. I can relate. But I also know this has nothing to do with you as a person. If that would have a value on it you would have millions.

The share does not seem right if it would pay for that much does it?

----------


## Jaquaia

There were 7 adults and one child. So my brother and sister were both in a pair, plus my niece, and I was alone as J was at work.

----------


## Suzi

That seems unfair to have sprung that on you... 

What about A cutting her hair? How did she get the scissors?

----------


## Jaquaia

They stayed at J's parents on Saturday night and she was cutting out dinosaurs. It sounds like his mum turned her back for a few seconds

----------


## Suzi

OOps! It's so easily done!

----------


## Jaquaia

We know that, but she's claimed if A went to school with her hair in that state, it's 99% likely social services would be involved as it's neglect. My sister in law confirmed that's a load of rubbish

----------


## Suzi

As an isolated incident and if she had been taken to school with a "omg, she was cutting dinosaurs, MIL turned her back for 2 seconds and this is what she did!" I can't see it being an issue.... Unless SS are already involved and she has something to worry about?

----------


## Jaquaia

No. They were when T was a younger as it turned out one of her friends was on the sex offenders register and from what I can gather, she knew this and still had him around the children  so SS needed to make sure T hadn't been interfered with... it's probably the only time J has been angry with her, as he didn't have a clue. I think it was an excuse to have a go at J as I don't think her reaction would have been the same if it had been her mum looking after them. My sister in law said today that she's had to ring more than one parent to apologise as their child has cut their hair in her class and J said he had one when he was doing his teacher training placement that cut her plait off, plus his mum was a teacher for 45 years. J explained how safeguarding as a teacher worked and how something like that would just be logged, and reminded her of how long his mum taught for, and her response was "Well she should have known better". This coming from a woman who sends her children to the grandparents ready to be taken to school having not given them breakfast...

----------


## Suzi

Didn't know J was a teacher?

----------


## Jaquaia

He was pressured to quit his PGCE before he completed it

----------


## Suzi

That's really sad... 

How are you today love? It's today Talia goes isn't it? You OK?

----------


## Jaquaia

It's what it was like for him. She pressured him to give up cricket too and he was a very good under-15s coach and a decent player. I understand as dickhead pressured me to give up my degree. 

I'm still snotty. I'm ok but feeling very guilty but my mum insists it has to be done as she can't cope with her on her own and we can't risk things going wrong with Toby. I've not even got her stuff together yet.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  :(bear):

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

How're you doing chick?

----------


## Jaquaia

Just got back from lunch and just sat around chatting with Sarah. Just had a parcel delivered, J has ordered me some cotton handkerchiefs, he is so thoughtful! I'm definitely going to have to keep him  :(inlove): . 

I think I'm resigned to her going and it will be strange going up to bed without her tonight. Talia, just to clarify!

----------


## Suzi

It will be strange, but it does sound like the best thing for her as you can't take her with you.

----------


## Jaquaia

Walking away from Sarah's car without Talia was so much harder than I imagined it would be.

----------


## Paula

Oh hunni, Im sorry  :(bear):

----------

Jaquaia (10-02-20)

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni  :Panda:  I'm so sorry x

----------

Jaquaia (10-02-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

I had to do what was best for Talia

----------


## Suzi

Doesn't stop it from hurting or you from needing hugs and support....

----------


## Jaquaia

J is taking me for lunch tomorrow and providing hugs. He feels bad too and like he caused this

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni, it is just what it is love. No one is to blame. Stop beating yourself up love.

----------

Jaquaia (10-02-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

I did some uni work to distract

----------


## Paula

Its absolutely no ones fault, its just what had to be

----------

Jaquaia (10-02-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Always hard to say goodbye whatever the reason.  :(bear):

----------

Jaquaia (10-02-20)

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing love?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok. It was weird going to bed without her and weird waking up and not wrestling with her for the quilt. But Sarah sent me a photo when she got home and she was quite happy laid on Sarah's bed. She went for a walk last night and Sarah's taking her to explore the woods near her house today

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad lovely...

----------


## Jaquaia

J helped me sort the shed out so we can get into my books easier on Thursday. Yeah... my sister is a  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: wit and knows I'm not happy from my manner. My coats were out there in a black bag and are damp and possibly mouldy! I had 2 bags of papers out there, including football programs and signed dinner programs... all smelling damp and fusty now. And 9 boxes of books, one of which was damp, some of the books are mouldy AND it looked like mice had had a good go. Still can't figure out what possessed her to put all that in the shed in the first place

----------


## Paula

Oh no  :(:

----------


## Jaquaia

Going through the paperwork and have found all my exam results and certificates among it, including my degree transcript and certificate... luckily they were in a plastic folder and seem to be ok

----------


## Suzi

Oh no! Did you know that they were in there?

----------


## Jaquaia

No. I thought it was just paperwork and I'd seen some football programs too, I just couldn't get in to get them. We've been looking for my winter coat for 5 years. I've no idea why she thought that was a good idea!

----------


## Suzi

Oh! Hopefully you can salvage most of it...

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm going to try washing my coat tomorrow. I've gone through a huge pile of paperwork today. Tomorrow is driving lesson, sorting my coat and uni work, and Thursday is moving day part 1!

----------

OldMike (12-02-20)

----------


## Paula

Yay!!!!!

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh and hair cutting (J is paying  :(giggle): ) and potentially A's birthday party...

----------

OldMike (12-02-20)

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo!!!! What's been decided about the party? 

How are you today?

----------


## Jaquaia

No idea! She's been her usual pleasant self since A cut her hair. Even decided that her bf can take them to school and speak to the class teacher. J's told her that should have been discussed before new people speak to the teacher. So I'm going to take them to school on Friday! 

I'm ok, tired but less snotty. Driving lesson was good, we worked on reversing today as I've been struggling with that. Today will be uni work all day. Need to start getting sorted for my research report.

----------


## Paula

I still struggle with reversing, and Ive been driving almost 30 years....

----------


## Suzi

Well done for the driving! 
I think it's really cool that you're going to take the kids to school - is that with J or on your own?

----------


## Jaquaia

> I still struggle with reversing, and I’ve been driving almost 30 years....


I get mixed up with which way to steer when going backwards!!!




> Well done for the driving! 
> I think it's really cool that you're going to take the kids to school - is that with J or on your own?


On my own. J is at the museum and it would save his dad having to get sortedearly, plus she's set a precedent now.

----------


## Suzi

That sounds really exciting for both you and for the little people!

----------


## Jaquaia

Obviously I'm worried about how she'll react but she can't really say anything

----------


## Suzi

Do the children stay overnight on Thursday? So you can take them straight away? I'd just be concerned that you would have to deal with her and some confrontation....

----------


## Jaquaia

The children are with us from school finish until next Thursday afternoon. 

She knows about Abbie inviting me to the party. J offered her a lift and she said she wouldn't get in his car so her bf would take her and when J asked if he was staying told him he assumed so, so he mentioned A had asked me to go... "Oh"

Well she can't really say anything after inviting her bf without even mentioning it when she hasn't paid a penny towards the party.

----------


## Suzi

Then I hope you enjoy it!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm bound to be on edge as I don't trust her at all. But it needs to be a case of both partners are there or neither are and if I didn't show up, I'd upset A and she'd think she was in charge. I don't care if she doesn't like me, I do care if me not being there upsets A

----------


## Suzi

That's exactly the right way to think about it. I'm so glad A and T are having you in their lives.

----------


## Jaquaia

That little boy needs a lot of extra love this week. After the fuss she made over J seeing A on her birthday, they were palmed off on her mother that night and he really wasn't happy about it

----------


## Suzi

Aww.. Poor love x

----------


## Paula

Poor mite  :(:

----------


## Jaquaia

Knackered now!!! First carload of stuff in my new home  :(inlove):

----------

OldMike (13-02-20),Paula (13-02-20)

----------


## Suzi

YAY!!!! 
Happy Moving Day (Part 1)!!!!

----------

Jaquaia (13-02-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

I've had so much hair cut off!!!

----------


## Suzi

OO how much?

----------


## Jaquaia



----------

OldMike (15-02-20)

----------


## Suzi

Oh wow! It really looks lovely!

----------

Jaquaia (13-02-20)

----------


## Paula

So pretty  :):

----------

Jaquaia (13-02-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

Woohoo!!! Got my marks back from my first essay! 90!!!

----------

OldMike (15-02-20)

----------


## Paula

:(party):  youre awesome!

----------

Jaquaia (14-02-20)

----------


## Suzi

That's fabulous! Well done love!

----------

Jaquaia (14-02-20)

----------


## Mira

You are getting great result for the all the work you put in. Great job  :(party):

----------

Jaquaia (14-02-20)

----------


## OldMike

> Woohoo!!! Got my marks back from my first essay! 90!!!


Woo hoo  :(party):

----------

Jaquaia (15-02-20)

----------


## Paula

Youre unusually quiet. Studying?

----------


## Jaquaia

Yes. I have a 2000 word research report to hand in tomorrow, still have 1200 words to write and it happens to be half term too...

----------


## Suzi

How's it going?

----------


## Jaquaia

About 700 words to go...

----------


## Suzi

How's it going love?

----------


## Jaquaia

Submitted. It's not my best work but only 10 hours into my grace period and even managed stories for A!

----------


## Paula

Well done!

----------

Jaquaia (20-02-20)

----------


## Suzi

That's brilliant! Well done lovely! 

How's the half term going? Have you and J got the little people all week?

----------

Jaquaia (20-02-20)

----------


## Mira

Well I am, sure it will be fine. And stories with A is awesome  :):

----------

Jaquaia (20-02-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

> That's brilliant! Well done lovely! 
> 
> How's the half term going? Have you and J got the little people all week?


They go back there tonight. Today has been stressful. T and J's dad went behind J's back and arranged for him to go to his friends house when they'd been told at the beginning of the week that we were going into Hull for lunch and a museum. T has sulked most of the afternoon, J's dad didn't like being told that we'd arranged today at the weekend, all he kept saying was that plans change and we had to learn to change plans too so I said to J in front of his dad that in future, he arranges things with T's friends mum so this doesn't happen again. We can't let a 10 year old dictate things and his dad just completely undermined J by not even consulting him. The compromise was he could go until 12 but J's dad tried to argue that down too. I just think that J should be consulted about anything like that, he's their parent after all!




> Well I am, sure it will be fine. And stories with A is awesome


Just hard work when I'm trying to meet a deadline!

----------


## Paula

Why would his dad think he had the right to arrange that without talking to J?

Still, I know it was stressful, but families are stressful particularly when grandparents are concerned - I refer you to my MIL  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

God knows!!! His dad didn't like being told he was in the wrong and argued back in front of T which wouldn't have helped, but I think we got him to see what he did wrong when we were at the museum. His parents even made a fuss over me having some bedding there. Apparently his mum was upset that we changed the bedding she bought him for a set of my bedding as it made her feel like what she bought was surplus. J wanted to do something nice for me and wanted me to feel more at home there and thought that this would help and they managed to spoil that and make me feel like I wasn't allowed a say

----------


## Suzi

How bizarre! They were all for you and him! 
And in the category of pita grandparents I refer you to my MIL who still has to speak to Marc several times a day, keeps telling him that he'd be better off living back with her, tell my kids that they should move in, complains about everything!!!! 

I hope you've had a lovely time today though...

----------


## Paula

My parents have no idea what bedding we have, never mind the in laws! Thats got nothing to do with them

----------


## Jaquaia

His mum is still doing his washing while the kitchen is finished, which is the only reason she knows about the bedding. They bought replacement bedding just before Cruella left. 

Today has been lovely though. I introduced A and J to Hercules then we took them to the place we use for pizza in the market  and I've not been to that museum since I was a little older than A!

----------


## Suzi

How long before the kitchen gets finished? 
Sounds like a truly lovely day hunni x

----------


## Jaquaia

It needs flooring and a tiling now but cost is an issue. His parents insisted on getting it done before Christmas and paying for it but haven't really thought it through properly. 

Oh and she's kicked off at him about my fb post. Claims he'd lied and said he told her I wasn't moving in and how she was tempted to reply saying I would never replace her as their mother so now feeling bad about that.

----------


## Suzi

You have nothing to feel bad about. I would suggest he doesn't have her as a fb friend anymore so she can't spy on him + you... .

----------


## Paula

Suzis right. I have a great relationship with Katies dad but were not fb friends - it was just too difficult for both of us. And you and J know youre not trying to be their mother so you have nothing to feel bad about

----------


## Jaquaia

It's all about control with her. 

Shattered today! I think constantly being on the go with the children is catching up with me. Plus TOTM so cramps aren't helping my fatigue levels. Still, managed some uni work and sat trying to find a dress for a wedding I'm going to in May...

----------


## Paula

How are you feeling after the party?

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  for the cramps. Hope you're able to get some rest in soon x

----------

Jaquaia (22-02-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

> How are you feeling after the party?


I found it hilarious! I could see just how much her face fell when she walked in and saw me sat chatting with J's parents. It's very obvious they approve of me. I'm actually surprised that J didn't get abuse about me being rude as I didn't even acknowledge her but why would I acknowledge someone who has threatened me? Though J did go to say hello to her and her bf as they arrived and they both blanked him...

----------


## Paula

Ah least she didnt kick off

----------


## Jaquaia

She would have revealed her true colours to a lot of people

----------


## Suzi

Did you have fun though? Did A like having you there?

----------


## Jaquaia

She seemed to! And T seemed to love having me there too.

----------


## Suzi

That's the most important thing for them!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Found my old school reports! Don't think they'd get away with my year 3 PE report now...

"Kerry tries hard in P.E. although her build is a disadvantage in this area of the curriculum"

----------


## Suzi

That's not very nice....

----------


## Jaquaia

I'd forgotten about it until I found my reports. No wonder I've always had issues with body image!

----------


## Paula

What??? Thats disgusting!  :@:

----------


## Jaquaia

My mum said she complained at the time

----------


## Suzi

It doesn't help but things are different now thank goodness. 

How was your weekend?

----------


## Jaquaia

Mostly ok. Been studying mostly, completely up to date with 2 modules and only 3 weeks behind on this block for my 3rd module. Cruella is being her usual lovely self, she's changing long-standing childcare arrangements with J's parents but not bothering to tell them, apparently as they haven't spoken to her... J is struggling so also trying to support him.

----------


## Suzi

Why is she changing things? 

Where are you living atm?

----------


## Jaquaia

Because she's a nasty, vindictive piece of work? Control? Certainly not because it's best for the children. 

Still at my parents. Sorting my stuff out. We're aiming for me going to his for his long weekend at Easter and just not coming back.

----------


## Paula

Were you hoping for earlier?

----------


## Jaquaia

I think Easter will work out well as it will allow me to do uni work too, rather than having to focus on moving.

----------


## Suzi

Glad you have a plan, are you working on your uni work atm?

----------


## Jaquaia

So far I've sorted my toiletries out and just having lunch. Next plan is uni work

----------


## Suzi

Well done love! How's it going?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've cleared another box and repacked it with stuff I want to keep. Read a chapter of my textbook too.

----------


## Suzi

Well done love!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I've done a lot of the online learning too so going to relax with my new book now. Saving the gem that is Cronbach's alpha for tomorrow...

----------


## Paula

Look how far youve come  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I still have so much to do but hoping I can get through at least 2 weeks worth of work this week, plus I'm at J's over the weekend so will have a few quiet days while he's at work too.

----------


## Suzi

Well done lovely. It's great to see you realistically pacing. 

How are you doing today?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm tired and on a bit of a go slow today. Showering took a huge effort.

----------


## Suzi

Could you have been pushing yourself a bit hard?

----------


## Paula

Can you leave the studying for today and just read a book?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm going to do some study after tea and read until then. Started a great Ann Cleeves book that the in laws bought me for Christmas. Don't want to put it down!

----------


## Suzi

Glad you're relaxing with a book...

----------


## Jaquaia

If you can relax with a murder mystery  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):   :(rofl):   :(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

Don't think I've ever been so appalled or disgusted. T has apparently overheard Cruella on the phone to her bf telling him that if the children didn't start behaving then she'd have to consider putting them into care... on more than one occasion...

----------


## Paula

I know Js lawyer is documenting all this stuff but when is that info going to be used?

----------


## Suzi

Surely someone should be using this info and looking into custody for the children's safety and well being?

----------


## Jaquaia

He's going to go get legal advice

----------


## Suzi

Good. I think it's the best option, and quickly as I think he's waited long enough...

----------


## Jaquaia

The issue is, T has begged him not to mention it to Cruella as he doesn't want her to know he's told J about it

----------


## Paula

Their safety overrules those sort of worries, lovely

----------


## Jaquaia

I know, he doesn't want T to stop trusting him as he has a habit of keeping things to himself as it is as he doesn't want to upset people. It took us nearly an hour of gentle reassurance last time I stayed to get to the bottom of what was bothering him. I've suggested to J that he speaks to the solicitor to find out his options and then speak to T about it.

----------


## Suzi

I feel so much for those poor kids... I hope he talks to his solicitor asap as what they are going through is abuse. TBH I'm shocked that nothing has happened so far to safeguard those babies....

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm shocked that this is happening when her bf is supposed to be a social worker!!!

----------


## Paula

J has to do something, love

----------


## Jaquaia

I know. Which is why I've suggested getting legal advice so she can't tell a load of lies based on her bf being a social worker

----------


## Jaquaia

Ffs. My wrist is absolutely throbbing today. I've taken paracetamol and ibuprofen, massaged my wrist with tiger balm and am using both my compression glove and my splint. Luckily it's my left wrist so I can still study (my RA has never been symmetrical). My mum come into my room, told me about a letter she got from the doctor, and then pointed out I hadn't washed her dressing gowns yet and when I asked what was wrong with her putting them in the washer...

"You get paid for it..."

----------


## Paula

Wow! That wasnt a degrading comment at all  :@: . The sooner youre out of there, hunni, the better

----------


## Jaquaia

She said she was joking but I really didn't find it funny

----------


## Suzi

You get paid for it? Wow, nice comment there..... How did you reply to that?

----------


## Jaquaia

I just looked at her. I get £66 a week carers allowance. I do a lot of the housework, sort her meds, order her meds, go to appointments with her, do the washing, help with tea, change bedding but apparently £66 a week makes that ok...

----------


## Paula

Youre her carer, not her slave

----------


## Jaquaia

This is why J wants to keep the cleaner when I move in. He knows I'll push myself to try and do everything that needs doing

----------


## magie06

So 66 pounds a week. There are 168 hours in a week, so that works out at approx 40 pence per hour!! Does your mum know how much it is going to cost when she has to get carers in?

----------


## Suzi

That's outrageous! Are you planning on carrying on doing most of that when you move out?

----------


## Jaquaia

I only have to do 32 hours a week to be entitled to carers but still! It works out around £2 an hour. It takes around an hour to sort out her meds. A good half an hour to an hour to sort the washing as they don't seem capable of putting clothes in right way or putting them in the wash basket. It takes about an hour to change bedding and I very rarely have help to put the quilt cover on and they have a king size bed... an hour, maybe more to fold washing. Then there's appointments, sorting letters, trying to get her to take her meds properly. I'm planning on doing some of it when I move out as I'll be here on a Wednesday night until I've passed my test, it can just be exhausting. Today for example, everytime I've tried to take my splint off, my wrist has started throbbing. I tend to still do stuff as I can't cope with medical top trumps

----------


## Paula

You cannot and must not attempt to do everything for them in just one night a week. Please .....

----------


## Jaquaia

I promise. Especially as I'll be starting my level 2 at the end of April

----------


## Mira

Thats good. Your intentions are awesome as always. But you need to look out for yourself as well.

----------

Jaquaia (27-02-20)

----------


## Suzi

Are they going to get carers in to do things when you move out?

----------


## Jaquaia

I have no idea

----------


## Suzi

Why do I get the feeling you are going to be trying to do it all anyway?

----------


## Jaquaia

I can't physically do it. Besides, J won't let me. He won't even let me do all the housework there when I move in, hence him keeping the cleaner. I got in trouble for hoovering when I stayed over a few weeks ago!

----------


## Paula

> Why do I get the feeling you are going to be trying to do it all anyway?


Thats my worry

----------


## Suzi

> I can't physically do it. Besides, J won't let me. He won't even let me do all the housework there when I move in, hence him keeping the cleaner. I got in trouble for hoovering when I stayed over a few weeks ago!


I know that, but I know that there will be the expectation that you'll continue - or guilt trips if you don't....

----------


## Jaquaia

Then I'd look at getting a few hours in the village shop to pay for my lessons and drop the carers allowance.

----------


## OldMike

> Then I'd look at getting a few hours in the village shop to pay for my lessons and drop the carers allowance.


Sounds like a good plan  :(nod):

----------


## Suzi

I agree, sounds like a great plan.

----------


## Jaquaia

Sat in the station waiting for my train to go and meet J from work. Compression gloves are on as both wrists are throbbing today. Didn't drive home as my wrists started throbbing, though I did a spot on turn in the road!! My ankles are throbbing, my knees are throbbing and I feel sick. Fell asleep this afternoon too. Flares suck!!! Hopefully it's a mini-flare and won't last much longer, back on my injections too. Skipping a week let my body fight off the cold but my joints are protesting now

----------


## Suzi

Sorry you're in flare love. I'm glad you're looking after you by doing things like not driving home.... Hope you get some rest and tlc at J's...

----------


## Jaquaia

He will make me rest. I've put my splints on too as reducing the movement of my wrists helps

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (27-02-20)

----------


## Suzi

How are you today love?

----------


## Jaquaia

Stiff but better than yesterday so far. My shoulder is stiff but I think that's because I've slept with my arm up under the pillow for too long! I sleep so much better here and don't move as much.

----------


## Suzi

Glad you're a little better lovely... Hope that you get some rest in today...

----------


## Jaquaia

Erm... I've been a bit naughty... 

I'd intended to paint around the window seat today and that's done. I love painting, it's so relaxing! And it's made the room look a bit more complete. But I felt ok when I finished so I've hoovered out the sofa, fluffed it all up, washed up, put the pots away, put away the washing, collected the dirty washing from T's room and gone through and sorted A's wardrobe and drawers. I promise I am resting now!!!

----------


## Suzi

That sounds like you've done loads!

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh and cleaned the litter tray.

I'm not moving off the sofa now until J gets home. A little bit of uni work as I have an assignment due on Monday but it's only a multiple choice quiz

----------


## Suzi

Why did you do so much?

----------


## Jaquaia

Erm... because I was restless and had more energy as I was feeling better than yesterday and as daft as it may sound, I feel much more free here. If I do stuff here it's because I want to rather than because I feel like I have to. I sleep better here too. I actually feel rested when I get up.

----------


## Suzi

I do understand... Just don't overdo it lovely....

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm watching Torchwood and studying. Barely going to move from the sofa for the rest of the evening

----------


## Suzi

Love Torchwood!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I got the boxset a few years ago! I've not actually seen all of them!

----------


## Paula

Adore Torchwood!

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## Suzi

I haven't either, they're on my list to watch  :O:

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## Jaquaia

They're on iplayer at the moment

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Suzi (29-02-20)

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## Jaquaia

Back home. Wish I wasn't but I need time to sort my stuff out. Cruella has been her usual self. After the go she had about me just mentioning the children on fb, she's added a photo of all their feet in a circle, after specifically saying no photos of the children and new partners, and labelled it my family so J challenged her. Cue loads of abuse and how she didn't want to read all my posts so I blocked her.... nor even an hour later she was giving him more abuse about me having blocked her. Like J said, she complains when she can see what I put and she complains when she can't see.  She had no comeback to that. But according to one of J's friends, his ex is not my issue to deal with, it's J's. Pretty much amounted to I can support him but it's none of my business.

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## Suzi

I don't think it's a case of not being your business as such, but I do think that it's more to do with him standing up to her and making sure that what he says happens. I'm glad you've blocked her and I think that's the most sensible thing to do. I'd also suggest that he puts posts so she can't see them - not unfriend him as he needs to see what she posts, but just so she can't see posts which she might have an issue with... 
I assume it's all being documented? It's also worth documenting every time you take the kids to school, you look after them etc etc etc.... I'd also document every scratch, bruise etc that you notice - esp those done while you and J or his parents are looking after them....

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## Jaquaia

We will. 

When his parents dropped them off on Saturday, T came and sat on the kitchen counter while I cooked their tea and we had a long chat. I made it very clear to him that if things ever got too much for him there, he never has to worry about me wanting them there, that it will always be his home and if he wanted to live there all the time he never has to worry about me saying no. Maybe not what I should have done but it felt right to offer him that reassurance. He's not happy about her calling her bf and his daughter their family, he's not happy about her mother telling him that all he needs is Cruella and her bf, and he's not happy about her mother talking about Toby dying or not needing Toby (J's twatcat). In fact, they only got dropped off with Cruella a little after 5 and he's already rang J in tears begging him to go pick him up as the minute he walked in the house she started screaming at him for forgetting to do some jobs before he left on saturday... He's talked to us about some of his memories this weekend and they nearly all involve her shouting at J. He used to go up to his room to play but it turns out what he really did was lay on his bedroom floor with his ear to the floor listening to her shout and scream at J as he was scared about what she'd do. And the bit that upset me the most was when I told him that his feelings were just as important as the adults feelings, he said he didn't feel important and he doesn't feel like he is to his mum or her mum. I gave him the hugest hug.  

He nearly made me cry yesterday though. We went for a 2 mile walk in the country (will post some pics of the area around my new home later), we got home, helped him with homework, did tea and then settled down to watch the Titfield Thunderbolt with popcorn before bed. J went in to say goodnight after A's stories had been sorted and I heard him say...

"goodnight daddy. I love you. You're the best. Tell Kerry she's the best too"

*sniffs*

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## Suzi

Poor thing.. I don't understand why J isn't taking action against her having the kids when he's hearing things like that. I couldn't bear knowing that my kids were going through it and I was allowing her to treat them like sh*t because I hadn't stood up for them.... If he doesn't stand up for them and demonstrate to them that they deserve better and no one has the right to treat them like she does then they'll never believe it...

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Flo (04-03-20)

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