# Help and Advice > Friend/relative has depression support >  Partner has depression how can I help *SU Trigger

## Airfield

I am writing this while at work and it's so hard to not break down and cry.

I have been in a relationship with my partner for just over two years. I have known from the start that he was dealing with some sort of depression, I am not even sure it is depression but that's what he calls it. It has always been very difficult for him to open up about how he feels and what is going on in his mind, it took a long time for him to sort of "trust me" and try to explain how he feels and even then he's not giving me too much info, so I've always been kinda guessing what was going on, rather than knowing for sure.

Last night though we had an argument, something stupid really, and I got emotional (because I get emotional about pretty much anything) and he shut down. This is usually normal when we argue: we get angry, I cry (more out of anger than other) and he shuts down for a long time. He won't talk or move or do anything. I usually just sit next to him and hug him and reassure him as much as I can, until he finally "comes back" and feels a bit better.
All this drives me crazy, because I am desperate to know what is going on in his head, it's clear he's not well and I just wish I knew what to do to make it better. So last night I sort of "lost it" and just refused to let him shut down; I pushed until he opened up a bit more and what he said scared me and worried me, because I had no idea how bad it was.

He said he is _scared_, all the time. That he doesn't want to go to work, deal with people, that he feels like a complete failure, that he doesn't know what is the point of being here and that I am the only thing he's got.

I am no expert but that ain't good. I mean I am happy he knows that he's got me, but (I know this is going to sound terribly selfish, but I need to be honest) I don't want that responsibility. I want him to be OK on his own, not because I don't want to be with him but because I love him and I want to know that if anything happens and we are not together anymore, I want to be sure he will be alright to carry on with his life and that he will be happy again. 

When he told me he doesn't even know what's the point in being here I don't think I have ever been more scared in my entire life. I have lost friends to suicide (not close friends but school mates, and even so it was terrible enough) and the thought of him doing the same... I can't even find the words. He told me he would never take his own life (I supposed because he knows it would destroy me) and I have to believe him because the alternative is too scary and painful.

I have tried to suggest him to seek help. He said he has tried in the past (which I knew) but that he cannot speak about what he feels. He says all they do is asking questions but he can't answer because words just don't come out, he can't talk about it.

And then he told me he's tried to seek help recently through a service at work (still same outcome, didn't help at all) but this hit me so hard and I can't stop thinking about it since he told me. Because the thing is _I had no idea_ that he was still in such a bad place. I didn't read the signals, I thought he was much better now, I believed the really dark days were in the past and only resurfaced when we argued, I was too slow to understand and now I feel awful if I think back to all the occasions where I forced him to socialize with my friends and family, to go out because I was fed up of being in the house, all the times he was being grumpy and I just thought he was tired, and every single ****** day he must be so scared of everything and I didn't have a clue. It freaks me out to think how brave he's been so far, how strong, to face this everyday.

I mean, do I even know him? He says I do, but I feel so stupid.

And now he doesn't want me to treat him differently, because he says everybody starts treating him differently as soon as they know he's struggling and he doesn't want that. So I'm acting normal but really I feel like he's made of glass and could break in a million pieces at any time. I want to help him so desperately but I don't know how.

This is probably the longest post I have ever written in my life and I will be seriously impressed if there is even only one person that read until the end. But if there is someone, and if you had similar experiences please help me. Share your story even though you don't have a solution, so maybe I'll feel less stupid and guilty. 

Thank you.

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## magie06

Hi there. You are very welcome to DWD. Please have a look around and see what others are saying about depression. 

I don't have any answers for your situation. Has your partner seen a doctor? If you were to print out your post here, and went to the doctor with him, you could hand the post to the doctor and neither of you would need to say anything. The doctor will have seen this before, and will know where to go from here. Medications and therapies have changed and improved over the years. There is probably something that will suit your partner now. Please don't give up. There are solutions out there.  :(hi):

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## Airfield

Thank you for reading my post and for taking the time to reply. 
I have tried to suggest seeing a specialist but of course he didn't want to. I will keep insisting though, but I will have to do it gently because having another argument will only push him away.
He's 25, I think has been depressed since he was 18 or so, I'm not sure. What I know for sure is that he won't take any medications. I don't know if it's because he's taken them before but either way that's a no-no.

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## Paula

Hi and welcome. Ive added a trigger warning to your thread - its nothing to worry about, it just ensures any of our members who may struggle with some of the things youre talking about can be informed about the nature of some of the topics.

Thank you for coming here. Just the fact youre making the effort to find out how to help is amazing. By listening to your partner and talking to him about his options will already be helping him. Youre right, he does need to see a doctor for diagnosis and so he can access any suitable treatment options but many people in his situation resist going to their doctor. Often this is down to a combination of not wanting to admit theres a problem and not wanting to talk to a stranger about something so personal. If hes tried to get help before and got nowhere thats not going to encourage him either. Magies right, giving some written notes to a doctor (whether yours or your partners) can help get over the not wanting to talk.  If you can persuade him to make an appointment, ring the surgery first and ask if they have a doctor that specialises in mental health.

He is scared, and thats normal, but depression affects 1 in 4 of us so hes not the first person to feel that way and hes not the first to ask for help. I want to reassure you, as well as him, of that fact. There are ways through this and just having someone as committed to your relationship as you are is going to help him so much

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## Airfield

Thank you so much for your reply, it really helps to know people have been there before us. I will definitely try to get him some professional help  :):

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## Suzi

I've been with my now husband for nearly 19 years and it's not been easy. The only way we've got through is to talk. Keep talking. Talk to him, talk to us, write a list and take it together to the Drs. I promise you it's possible to get through it, but you have to both be open to working together.

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