# Help and Advice > Friend/relative has depression support >  Some advice needed

## ritual93

Hi all,

I have a friend that is going through depression, and I am just after some advice to be honest... I don't really want to post the story on here in full view just in case who knows, she might see it? Everyone uses the internet after all

If I could get some friendly ears that have experienced depression or have experience supporting someone with depression, please send me a private message and I'll let you know what is happening / on my mind

Thank you

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## Paula

Hi and welcome. Its great that you want to support your friend and we can certainly share stories and information which would hopefully help you. But we dont allow general pm privileges until we get to know you a little better. Perhaps just posting a little of the story would help?

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## Suzi

Hi and welcome to DWD. It's fab that you've come here to try to find ways of helping. Talking generally has your friend seen their Dr? Are they eating and drinking properly?

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## ritual93

Thanks for the reply, I understand

To keep a long story short:

I met this girl and we started 'dating' for about 2-3 weeks, I stayed over at hers, we went out to dinner, just generally hung out etc.  I noticed a change in her behaviour, which happened toward the end, she just stopped messaging me, and just didn't seem herself and I asked her if everything was OK and if anything was on her mind, which she would just tell me that everything was fine.. One evening out of the blue she texted me that she was really busy at work and her schedule is looking busy, and that she thinks it's best we didn't see each other anymore.  So after talking for a bit, I just left it that it was great meeting her and that I'm going to miss seeing her and left it there, to which she just out of the blue started to tell me that she suffered with depression and it's starting to come back again and it's taking her over and that she goes hot and cold and thinks it's fair on me that she doesn't continue seeing me.  I understood, and obviously told her all the obvious 'We'll get through it together' 'I'll always be here for you' etc. to which she said she appreciates it but she doesn't want to put me through it and needs to deal with it by herself. 

This was about 4-5 weeks ago now.. So after all that I pretty much felt like it was over, and just got on with my life.. But a week later she randomly sent me a message saying 'Have you blocked me?' and I told her I didn't and she didn't reply from there.. But from that I gathered that she does care about me, and for her to tell me about the depression when I didn't even pry means she somewhat trusts me?

So after this I've been frequently messaging her to check in on her (like every 3-5 days) because I don't want to smother her, but I also want to let her know that I'm never gonna go anywhere.

The first time I told her I'm here for her and if there's anything I can do for her just let me know as she is important to me etc...  She always responds and is pretty detailed about it, she tells me generally how she is feeling and always says she hopes that I'm OK and also she said 'Why are you so nice to me' 'You're so lovely' etc.  But then she just stops replying (which I know she is going through some tough times so it doesn't bother me)

But I just want to know, am I doing the right things by keeping in contact with her frequently, just to ask how she is doing, and re-assuring her that I am still around and care about her etc? I have no motive at all, yes I have have romantic feelings for her, but I am not selfish, I know she is going through a crappy time so I am literally just here for her as friend. Is there anything more I can do/try?

I've seen a few different women over the past year or so, and she is the one that I really connected with and we got on so well, and I can't seem to get her off my mind, I do genuinely like her and really care for her and want to see her get through this.. It would be nice to be apart of the healing process as I believe a big hug, or just someone there to listen will be a great thing for her, but she doesn't want to see me as I think she feels she will drag me down or hurt my feelings, but I'm a big boy and I've had a friend who had depression and I know that people say / do things they don't mean when they are suffering

I know a problem is she hasn't known me that long, and probably has trouble fully trusting me, or doesn't want to trust me and in her head I could end up letting her down, or abandoning her etc (Maybe some other guy has done this to her in the past?)

Don't say 'move on' or whatever, because it's nothing like that and I'm not desperate for a relationship, and like i stated this is not about my needs at all, I genuinely do care for her just on a friendly level.

Thanks

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## Suzi

Your post has made me really emotional! I think it's so great of you to want to be there and to want to help her, but without any pressure. By checking in on her you are showing her you care and that's fabulous. 
Do you know if she's seen her Dr or got a support network around her at all?

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## ritual93

Hi Suzi,

I've recently just posted a brief overview of the situation..

I don't think she was eating properly, but I honestly didn't pick up on the signs!  When she said she didn't want dinner, but she would cook for me and I would just say "don't worry I'll eat at home before I come to yours" I was in the dark about it then, and just assumed maybe she had a late lunch or something, but had I known she was suffering I would of been much more supportive.

I noticed little things like her fridge always being empty, but as stated, I didn't take much notice because I didn't understand she was going through something until she told me a week later after she said she didn't want to see me




> Your post has made me really emotional! I think it's so great of you to want to be there and to want to help her, but without any pressure. By checking in on her you are showing her you care and that's fabulous. 
> Do you know if she's seen her Dr or got a support network around her at all?


I am not sure at all about that, I think 4-5 weeks later to just ask her about it won't feel right... But I did my 'weekly check in' on Wednesday and she told me she is doing a bit better and that one of her friends has moved in, which is fantastic and means she has someone there for her that is looking after her, and I genuinely felt a bit of pressure relieved inside of me knowing she could count on someone.

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## Suzi

That is really good and hopefully they'll be looking out for her.

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## ritual93

Am I doing the right thing?

Is there anything more I can do to let her know that I am actually genuine and not just one of these guys just 'saying the right thing'?

I'd really love for her to open up to me and let me be there for her.. I know that's not in my control.

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## Mira

Hi there. Welcome here. There are a lot of us here that suffer from depression and other issues.

I read your post and you seem like a stand up guy and you are already doing the best you can. The thing is that we all react differently to depression. Mental health in that way can not be compaired to lets say a broken leg.

I can not tell you what the right thing to do is. But I think that you are doing it right already. The thing is that depression can cause us to push people away. But if you are talking that is good. But do try not to pressure anything. You can be there for her. But doing something about how she is doing has to start within herself. That goes for the depression and the eating as well. And then you can help her.

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Suzi (29-11-19)

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## ritual93

> Hi there. Welcome here. There are a lot of us here that suffer from depression and other issues.
> 
> I read your post and you seem like a stand up guy and you are already doing the best you can. The thing is that we all react differently to depression. Mental health in that way can not be compaired to lets say a broken leg.
> 
> I can not tell you what the right thing to do is. But I think that you are doing it right already. The thing is that depression can cause us to push people away. But if you are talking that is good. But do try not to pressure anything. You can be there for her. But doing something about how she is doing has to start within herself. That goes for the depression and the eating as well. And then you can help her.


Great stuff... I just want to make sure I'm doing good by keeping contact with her, or if I should just completely stop talking to her and let her come to me.  I've personally never had depression, but since speaking to her etc I have done SO much research on it! I've visited countless websites, read countless posts from people that have experienced it, and people that are going through it or helping people get through it etc.

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## Mira

That is so conciderate. 

I think that if she wanted you to stop talking she would say that. Or not reply. From what you posted so far I think if you are being you thats more then good enough and otherwise go with what se is saying. Because like I said we all react in different ways.

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## ritual93

I'm just not sure if I should tell her that she can trust me, and that I have no motive and I'm here for her as a friend (as I've not told her this yet) or just carry on as I am and just checking in on her and letting her know I'm here etc.

Thanks

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## Suzi

To be fair, chances are she's been told that someone will be there for her and letting her down before. It's not easy to be the partner of someone with depression when they are trying to push you away....

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## ritual93

Yep, I figured that has probably happened..  I was thinking about just sending her some flowers, nothing spectacular just a little gesture.. As actions do speak louder than words, but I've been in two minds about that as I'm not sure if that would make her feel worse/guilty or if it would be a good thing to do

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## Suzi

Sending flowers is a lovely gesture, I'd accompany it with a text stating no strings etc... Have you seen her since this has been a problem?

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## Paula

Flowers are _always_ welcome

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## ritual93

Thanks all, you've been a great help

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## Suzi

So glad!  :):

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## ritual93

> Sending flowers is a lovely gesture, I'd accompany it with a text stating no strings etc... Have you seen her since this has been a problem?


Just to answer your question... I haven't seen her since, I don't think it would be a good idea to just show up, as much as I would like to? I did say we could go out to the cinema or even just for a walk one time whenever she felt up for it, no pressure.

Thanks

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## Suzi

It sounds that you are doing all you can - all you can do is hope that she gets back to you.

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## scilover

> Thanks for the reply, I understand
> 
> To keep a long story short:
> 
> I met this girl and we started 'dating' for about 2-3 weeks, I stayed over at hers, we went out to dinner, just generally hung out etc.  I noticed a change in her behaviour, which happened toward the end, she just stopped messaging me, and just didn't seem herself and I asked her if everything was OK and if anything was on her mind, which she would just tell me that everything was fine.. One evening out of the blue she texted me that she was really busy at work and her schedule is looking busy, and that she thinks it's best we didn't see each other anymore.  So after talking for a bit, I just left it that it was great meeting her and that I'm going to miss seeing her and left it there, to which she just out of the blue started to tell me that she suffered with depression and it's starting to come back again and it's taking her over and that she goes hot and cold and thinks it's fair on me that she doesn't continue seeing me.  I understood, and obviously told her all the obvious 'We'll get through it together' 'I'll always be here for you' etc. to which she said she appreciates it but she doesn't want to put me through it and needs to deal with it by herself. 
> 
> This was about 4-5 weeks ago now.. So after all that I pretty much felt like it was over, and just got on with my life.. But a week later she randomly sent me a message saying 'Have you blocked me?' and I told her I didn't and she didn't reply from there.. But from that I gathered that she does care about me, and for her to tell me about the depression when I didn't even pry means she somewhat trusts me?
> 
> So after this I've been frequently messaging her to check in on her (like every 3-5 days) because I don't want to smother her, but I also want to let her know that I'm never gonna go anywhere.
> ...


You're absolutely doing the right thing! Reading your story makes me glad that there are people like you out there. Just continue what you're doing as what you're doing right now is good.

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## shine

You sound wonderful. Well done for showing support and genuine kindness. Continue what you are doing if you can. Messaging her every few days is a good idea. It will really help her to know that someone cares. If she wanted to see you in person I'm sure she would tell you.

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## scilover

What youre doing now is actually good. It make her thinks that there's someone longing for her.

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## Suzi

Scilover, you appear to just be randomly posting on old threads - this one you posted on and you've posted a similar comment again! Please read the threads so you don't comment the same thing multiple times.

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