# Help and Advice > Coping with Depression >  Dreaming of thriving

## Strugglingmum

New thread as per boss lady  :O: 

Glad to report I stayed upright out for my walk today.... left the dog at home.... there could be a connection.

Feeling a bit blah tonight but I know that's because I didnt achieve what I wanted today, but it's ok, tomorrow is coming. 
Until then, theres chocolate!

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Suzi (28-01-21)

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## Mira

Good that you went out for a walk. And even if you did not achieve what you wanted you did make people happy by being here and talking to people. You have good insights and know how to relate. So thats a win for the day. Enjoy the chocolate  :):

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Strugglingmum (28-01-21)

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## Suzi

You didn't fall? That's awesome! Well done love  :(rofl):   :(rofl):   :(rofl): 

What didn't you achieve today? 

Loving the new thread!

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Strugglingmum (28-01-21)

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## Stella180

You’re starting to get used to this one foot in front of the other thing. Lol

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Strugglingmum (28-01-21)

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## Strugglingmum

> What didn't you achieve today?


I didnt finish my blanket, the invisible thread beat me into submission.  I will regroup and attack again tomorrow with thread that I can see :(rofl): 
There were other parts of the project that I could have  got on with but i abandoned the whole thing. Bit cross with myself for not regrouping quicker, however I will get there

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## Stella180

Sounds like you did the right thing. Better than sticking with it and getting more stressed out.

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## Suzi

I don't know anyone who likes invisible thread!  You did the right thing if you ask me!

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## Paula

I agree, just pushing on and on is often counterproductive...

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## Flo

I love the new thread too...this one, not the invisible one :O: . You're right to have a rethink. I'm sure everything will fall into place today. What is invisible thread like? Is it like fine fishing line or something....I don't think I've ever come come across it. But maybe I have and I just didn't see it!!...oh shut up Flo!! :(rofl):

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Suzi (29-01-21)

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## Strugglingmum

:(rofl): 
Yes very very fine fishing line. My daughter uses it for some quilting projects so it's in the machine so not as problematic. 
The project I'm working on suggested using it to sew on the appliques but because I cant see the stitches I'm making a mess of it. I'm going to resort to white thread. It should look ok.

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## Suzi

I don't blame you at all for not using the invisible stuff! Yes, it's very much like fishing line! 

Is that what's on the plan for today?

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## Strugglingmum

Back to sewing on the bunnies today.
Had to remove the ones I had used the invisible thread because when Io looked at them she said the stitches were too loopy..... I couldn't even see the stitches but she knows I want it done right so start again!

A and I did the shopping today so we have just been together most of the day. It helps to calm me. 

Have my psychiatrist review on Monday, I'm a bit anxious about it so using lots of relaxation techniques to try and breathe through it all.

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## Suzi

What are you anxious about it for love? 
I'm glad you've spent time with A. Will he be able to be there with you for the appointment?

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## Strugglingmum

I'm just always a bit antsy about it but my psychologist has written to him about some things too so it just unsettles me a bit.

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## Flo

Try not to worry about it...remember that everything done and said is FOR you not against you. You'll be fine. :(bear):

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Strugglingmum (31-01-21)

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## Paula

Flos wise, love. What are you doing today?

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Strugglingmum (31-01-21)

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## Strugglingmum

> Flo’s wise, love. What are you doing today?


I'm not sure yet. I'm still in bed and its blowing a gale outside....not enticing me any :(rofl):

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## OldMike

Yep I find invisible thread unmanageable if t is what I think it is it's fine nylon thread which isn't very flexible unlike cotton, I know these things with age comes knowledge  :O:

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## Suzi

You know you can talk about anything you're antsy about love... But Flo is right, they're all working to try to help you.. 

If you're going out today, please wrap yourself in bubble wrap!

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## Flo

It's sleeting here! Wrap up well.

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## Paula

Here too. Demi was getting very upset with the sky  :(giggle):

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## Strugglingmum

I did a bit of crochet work to upload stuff to my page and got another order so that's good. 

I did venture out for a quick beach walk with Io and Katie. It was Baltic but I get guilty if I dont take Katie out and I need the walk myself. 
Movie on and crochet needle in hand.

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## Suzi

What movie are you watching? 
Well done on the sale! 
Did you stay upright on the walk?

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## Strugglingmum

> What movie are you watching? 
> Well done on the sale! 
> Did you stay upright on the walk?


Do you know I cant remember what movie I watched, I wasnt really invested.... it was just for distraction. 
Today I gained a bruise and lump on my elbow and a lump and bruise on my shin...... I walked into a  ladder at home.

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## Paula

Weve had a day of it....

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## Suzi

Oh bless you! Sweetheart are you wobbly and off balance a lot?

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## Flo

You poor little devil....how on earth did you manage to walk into a ladder? outside or inside? Hope you feel a little better today love.xx

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## Suzi

Morning lovely, how are you today?

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## Strugglingmum

> Oh bless you! Sweetheart are you wobbly and off balance a lot?


Just careless! 




> You poor little devil....how on earth did you manage to walk into a ladder? outside or inside? Hope you feel a little better today love.xx


Thanks Flo. Inside. A had left them on their side in the hall, I walked out of the bathroom and fell over them




> Morning lovely, how are you today?


At the Orthodontist with Io. Waiting for my psychiatrist to phone too. 
I hate that you have no idea what time they will phone, I get antsy just waiting all morning.  Last time I was told morning it was 3pm before he phoned. But yes I know, I'm lucky to have the care.

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## Suzi

Sorry that it's hit and miss with timings. I know it's tough - my GP is the same.... But, as you say it's good there is medical help there, but it doesn't stop it from being challenging with all the unknowns...

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## Paula

Any injuries?

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## Strugglingmum

Just bruised and achey. I'll live!

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## Strugglingmum

A long day waiting for my psychiatrist to phone for my appointment.....counting but it went well and I can relax now. 
A has just announced he is taking next 2 days off work so we are planning a good walk tomorrow afternoon.  I have a zoom call for CV planning in the morning and also a psychology appointment.  I'll be glad to get out in the fresh air after. 

I've lots of crochet to do so feet up and hooking!

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## Suzi

I'm glad A is going to be at home over the next couple of days. Make sure you talk to him - and please be careful out walking....

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## Flo

Glad all went well for you with psych. Have a lovely walk with hubby today.

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## Paula

Hope the calls go ok today and enjoy your time with A  :):

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## OldMike

Be careful out there walking if the weather is as slushy and slippy as it is here.

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## Suzi

Hope your calls have gone well and that A is keeping a close eye on your walking this afternoon!

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## Jaquaia

Just a reminder, feet go on the floor, head goes in the direction of the sky and bottom somewhere in between  :(giggle):

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## Strugglingmum

I dont know what you mean!!!!  :Surprised: 
You would think I struggled to stay upright to hear you all :(rofl): 

Flipping bucketing........ wet walk here we come!!

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## Suzi

Enjoy the WALK, not sliding on your bum!

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## Strugglingmum

Pleased to report even though it was lashing rain, we walked and I stayed upright.... even though we were walking over grass.  :P: 
A and I walked over the golf course that he is a member of. 
It is still closed due to lockdown so he said it really helped his headspace just to walk the course. We took Katie too and she loved running mad. Had to be careful to keep her off the greens though.
We were both wearing waterproof bottoms over our trousers and waterproof coats but we were still dripping. Invigorating.  
Just finished my dance exercise class with my little tambourine.  I really enjoyed it as I just feel the need to be very active today. 
Ready to lift me hook now and get some work done.

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Flo (03-02-21),Stella180 (02-02-21),Suzi (02-02-21)

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## Stella180

Wow! I’m tired just reading that. Your energy shines through.

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## Suzi

Well done lovely! Sounds like a brilliant time! Well done for staying upright! That's amazing!

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## Strugglingmum

Had a really good sleep last night.
A said he would take Io to work seeing as he was off so I slept the whole night, right through till 8am. I got almost 9 hrs sleep!!!!!
Another very wet day here. I have a lot of crochet to keep me going!

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## Suzi

So glad you got some decent sleep! No plans for walking in the wind and rain and trying to stay on your feet today then?

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## Strugglingmum

Io has a volunteer shift tonight at the foodbank so I'll have a walk round the town while I'm waiting for her. Her shift lasts 2 hrs so plenty of time for a walk then.

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## Stella180

She’s a good kid. You’ve got yourself a good man there too, and they are lucky to have a fabulous wife and mother in you.

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## Suzi

That's a cool thing for her to do. Are you going to be able to stay upright?

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## Strugglingmum

> Shes a good kid. Youve got yourself a good man there too, and they are lucky to have a fabulous wife and mother in you.


Thank you. 




> That's a cool thing for her to do. Are you going to be able to stay upright?


She has volunteered there for about 3 years. She also used to help out occasionally at our local one when I ran it. 

I will do my very best to stay upright.....you got to admit, I'm starting to get the hang of it!

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## Suzi

Don't speak too soon! 

It's really fab that she volunteers out of choice! You've got great kids by the sounds of it love.

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## Paula

Great mum  :):

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## Strugglingmum

Got to love a good trudge in the rain. 
4 miles and I'm good and damp :(rofl): 
Now if only I didnt need to go to Tesco on the way home! 
Ah well, got to be done. Cant wait to get home though. Hate driving in the dark and rain. Our country roads flood so easily.

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## Suzi

Drive safely love. 
Send someone else to the shops!  :):

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Strugglingmum (04-02-21)

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## Flo

I hate driving in the dark and rain too...for the very same reasons. Our country roads are used as rat runs and some of them drive like maniacs! What a good walk you had.

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Strugglingmum (04-02-21)

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## Paula

How are you, love?

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## Strugglingmum

Good morning.  I'm up fed, medicated and a huge pile of ironing done. 
Going to lift my hook for a couple of hours before I have to take C to work. Wish the rain would bugger off. Would love a dry walk!

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## Suzi

Well done for getting the ironing done! 
Are you pacing or going flat out today? Are you being kind to you?

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## Mira

How has your day been? I read it as I am fed up. Funny how just switching words can make something totaly different.

How are you doing?

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## Flo

> Good morning.  I'm up fed, medicated and a huge pile of ironing done. 
> Going to lift my hook for a couple of hours before I have to take C to work. Wish the rain would bugger off. Would love a dry walk!


Hope you feel a bit better today love. I felt like you did yesterday too...except without the ironing! Managed a quick walk though in the only half hour that it had stopped raining...got back in the house and it rained again for the rest of the day...oh for a sunny day!

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## Suzi

Morning lovely, how are you today? Are you up to anything good today?

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## Strugglingmum

Morning all. 
I did one of my back to bed stunts today after I took Io to work, although I brought my crochet up with me to finish the border on a blanket.  Did that and went back to sleep for an hour. I'm warm and cosy and would like to stay here but I have a lot to do so need to prise myself out of it.
Have things to do so really need to move.

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## Paula

Can we see pics of the blanket?

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## Suzi

Hope you're pacing today love.

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## Strugglingmum

> Can we see pics of the blanket?


I have appliques to apply to it yet, but yes when  it's done.  X

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Suzi (05-02-21)

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## Strugglingmum

The rain stopped so as I had to go to the post office I took Katie for a walk at the same time. I drove to the village , parked the car at the community centre and I swear I had only taken about 50 steps and the heavens opened grr but by that stage Katie was excited so we had to keep walking. We did a couple of miles, went to the post office, drove home, got some warm soup and...... the sun is now splitting the trees. I'm going to put my feet up and crochet. Had enough.  :(rofl):

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## Stella180

You were clearly born under the same lucky star as me. Lol

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Strugglingmum (05-02-21)

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## Flo

> You were clearly born under the same lucky star as me. Lol


Hahaha! I managed to get a 20 minute window between gushes and then it hissed down again!

SM it's called Sods Law!! :(rofl):

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Strugglingmum (05-02-21)

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## Suzi

:(rofl):   :(rofl):   :(rofl):

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## Strugglingmum

Its 23:20 and my daughter wants to know,
If someone is born deaf, what language do they think in?
So just in case anyone can't sleep, something for you to mull over. 
Me ? I'm going to bed to shut the questions out of my brain :(think):

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## Paula

:(rofl): 

Night, hunni

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## OldMike

> Its 23:20 and my daughter wants to know,
> If someone is born deaf, what language do they think in?
> So just in case anyone can't sleep, something for you to mull over. 
> Me ? I'm going to bed to shut the questions out of my brain


Need to think about that  :(think): 
Nope not got an answer.

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## Jaquaia

:(rofl):

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## Suzi

Morning love, how are things today?

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## Strugglingmum

Been busy this morning.  
Had 2 orders to deliver while I was up in the town doing the shopping.  Home, lunch had, shopping unpacked. 
May take a break from the crochet hook this afternoon. 
Its dry, I should really take Katie out but I'm needing a kick up the bum to go out again.

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## Suzi

Why are you needing a kick to go out? Taking a break from the hook sounds good, you've been so busy recently. It's great you're getting orders, but maybe you need to allow yourself some fun too?

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## Strugglingmum

I'm needing a kick because going out once a day seems to be my limit and I've already been out to do the shopping.  
Anyway. She is outside with A and Io so I've promised a long walk tomorrow to make up for it. 
I've been doing some housework and now I'm ready to flake out. 
Feet up and in my blanket.....a sure fire sign that I'm done for a while.

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## Suzi

Good! A time of rest for a bit might be a good idea!

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## Strugglingmum

Was on the beach for 9:30 this morning.  Its blowing a gale but Katie and I enjoyed a good stomp. Took C to work but now I'm home and not moving. Going to lift my hook and get some work done. Fire is lit, just need the room to warm up so my fingers can move. 
Just need to find a movie to watch.

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## Paula

Sounds heavenly  :): . No snow?

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## Suzi

We had snowflakes! Didn't settle as it's too wet, but we are hoping...

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## Strugglingmum

There were a couple of flakes blowing about. We dont really get snow where I live. I'm on a narrow Peninsula with salt water on both side which keeps the snow at bay.

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## Suzi

Surrounded by beaches on 2 sides huh? Lucky you! Sounds amazing!

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## OldMike

Woo hoo to live near the sea sounds idyllic.

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## Flo

Wow! I miss not having the beach on my doorstep..how lovely.

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## Suzi

Morning gorgeous, how are you today?

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## Strugglingmum

Morning all,I'm grand thanks Suzi.
Bit of running around to do today and a psychology appointment at lunchtime.  Other than that, housework and crochet. 
Such a lazy head. Went back to bed this morning!

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## Paula

Thats not lazy - just preparation for a busy day!! Hope psychology goes ok

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## Flo

Lazy??...you're anything but lazy!Hope the psychology goes well....have a good one sweetie!

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## Strugglingmum

Just wondering, does anyone share photos to dwd from Insta?
When I copy the link and then try to use it it says invalid file. 
Wondering what I'm doing wrong or if it's not possible to share from insta. 
What platform does everyone use to share photos? (Free)

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## Stella180

I use ibb.co I’m not on Instagram so don’t know.

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## Suzi

I haven't tried insta. FB is easy, or ibb?

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## Strugglingmum

I'm not managing it from fb either but I'll fire up the laptop and try from there. Definitely not happening from my phone

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## Suzi

You have to open the image in a new tab and then take that link..

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## Strugglingmum

What is ibb? Is it an apple thing?

Ok thanks for the tips. I'll have a go. I think I need to do it from my laptop to do that so I'll need to charge it.

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## Jaquaia

I use dropbox. You can create a link there and paste it straight here. To embed it in your post, past the link in the image tags then change the dla=0 at the end of the link to raw=1

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Strugglingmum (08-02-21),Suzi (09-02-21)

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## OldMike

> What is ibb? Is it an apple thing?
> 
> Ok thanks for the tips. I'll have a go. I think I need to do it from my laptop to do that so I'll need to charge it.


It's a free image hosting service which allows you to store a limited number of images pretty sure it has nothing to do with Apple unless anyone out there knows different, I can post the link here if you want.

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## Strugglingmum

Thanks Mike. I'm not great with tech stuff. I had just about managed photobox when it changed  :(rofl): 
 I'll try from FB when I'm on my laptop. It's just I'd said i would show Flo some of my crochet stuff at some point. It's already on FB and Instagram  so if I manage it from there that would be better...... I may come back to you.!!

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## Suzi

Morning lovely, how are things?

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## Strugglingmum

Thanks Suzi.
Um it's a tough one. 
I'm really tired and a bit low. Psychology yesterday was really hard and in fact just thinking about it brings tears. I've asked for a week off next week to give me time to process and recover.
Anyway, I went back to bed after taking Io to work this morning and had another sleep. I've pottered at little jobs around the house and taken C to work. Feet up for a couple of hours with my hook. I have to go to the city later to pickup Io from work. I have a committee meeting tonight which I need like a hole in the head but at least its zoom, I dont have to go out. 
Thanks for turning me pink, it means I can still log in without stressing. :Kiss:

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## Paula

:Panda:  Im glad youre making the time to put your feet up. And that youre recognising you need space to process psychology

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## Suzi

Sweetheart, never underestimate how hard psychology is and I'm so glad you're giving yourself time to process. Have you talked over any of it with anyone? 
You're awesome and well loved, but if turning you pink was the right thing to do for you and your journey then that's great, all I ever want any of the team to do is put their needs first. It's why we have a large mod team - so people can take a break if needed.. There'll always be a space for you if you change your mind  :O:  

Can you miss the meeting tonight?

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## Strugglingmum

Do you ever sit in a committee meeting and literally all you hear is blah blah. I spaced out for a while and then realised, crap, I'm secretary,  I'm supposed to be writing this crap down. :(rofl): 

 I have to be up at 6 to take Io to work but I'm definitely coming home to bed again and then a day at home. I need space and time to think and gather myself up again. Everything is so raw I'm frightened to visit it again but I know I need to deal with it. 
My psychologist suggested setting aside a short time each day to do this and  setting an alarm to signal the end.

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## Stella180

There is an app, i think it’s called worry time. The idea is when you have a thought pop up you log it in the app and schedule time for you to deal with anything you log so you can get on with your day. That’s the theory at least. Don’t know if that is helpful.

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OldMike (10-02-21),Suzi (10-02-21)

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## Flo

Just look after yourself and concentrate on getting back on track.....you're much loved. :Kiss:

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## Suzi

I'm so glad that you're going through things from psychology - it's really, really tough to do that and I'm so proud you are. Definitely signal the end and then get up and do something completely different. Can you plan something good for you for after? 
Well done for the self care of going back to bed. 
One step at a time, you're doing brilliantly. 

Stella - haven't heard of that app, but that's a great idea.

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Strugglingmum (10-02-21)

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## Stella180

https://au.reachout.com/tools-and-ap...hout-worrytime

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OldMike (10-02-21),Strugglingmum (10-02-21),Suzi (10-02-21)

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## Paula

Thank you for that link, Ive downloaded it

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## Strugglingmum

Just leaving a 'hi' here for everyone.

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## Paula

Hi, lovely, how are you doing?

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Strugglingmum (15-02-21)

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## Suzi

Hey hunni, how are things going?

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Strugglingmum (15-02-21)

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## Strugglingmum

Getting through. Just take each day as it comes.
I'm going to visit my mum's grave this week as part of processing things. Maybe it will help, I'm not sure but I'm going to try anyway. 
Hope you're all ok.

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## Suzi

That sounds like a tough trip. Are you going alone?

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## Strugglingmum

Yeah..... my standard, always out on my own.

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## Suzi

Have you thought about asking A to go with you love? I worry about you making a trip like that alone....

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## Paula

Im with Suzi, love. Doing that alone doesnt sound like a great idea.... A loves you, hunni, let him support you

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## Strugglingmum

I would have to wait till the weekend for A to go. 
I need to do it before then. Its Io's birthday at the weekend and I want to do it before then.

I'm kind of used to being on my own and doing things on my own. I also need to learn to be my own strength. Before I took ill I was fiercely independent..... too much I know now...... but I have to find some of it back again. Besides I could go all that way and it might have absolutely no effect on me. I could be totally fine. My emotions are so shut down right now who knows.

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## Suzi

When's her birthday? 

When are you planning on going? I'm going to pm you

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## Strugglingmum

Io's birthday is Sunday. 

I'm not sure when I'll go. I will probably just decide on the day.

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## Flo

Sometimes doing something spontaneously is a good thing, that way you don't have time to fret and worry about it. Thinking of you.xx

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Strugglingmum (16-02-21)

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## OldMike

I agree with Flo spontaneity is a good thing saves all the worry and fretting involved in decision making  :(nod):

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Strugglingmum (16-02-21)

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## Suzi

Wish Io a happy birthday from me! An epic time to have a birthday if you ask me  :O:

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Strugglingmum (16-02-21)

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## Strugglingmum

I ended up sobbing at the dinner table tonight. 
My husband calmly kept eating his dinner while my daughter looked on awkwardly,  realised A wasnt going to hug me and then came and cuddled my head into her while I sobbed like a baby. Poor kid shouldn't have to cope with that. I feel bad for her. 
I'm also really peeved at A.

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## Paula

:Panda:  hunni, Im so sorry..... however, something thats been thrown at me from Si sometimes is that I talk about wanted to be independent and recognised as strong. Maybe A was coming from that place? Of course, Im probably completely wrong....

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## Suzi

Marc's done the same to me and left it for the kids to console me. It's not that he doesn't care, more that he's trying not to undermine me or belittle independence... Don't worry too much about Io, it's good she can see that sometimes things are difficult for you... It helps them to then know that it's OK to not be OK itms? 
Talk to A, tell him how much it upset you.

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## Strugglingmum

Thank you both. Xx

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## Suzi

How are you today love?

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## OldMike

Sometimes it is difficult to know what to do though I do get why you were peeved, it was good your little one gave a cuddle though  :Panda:

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## Strugglingmum

I didnt sleep great so went back to bed after getting Io to work. I got another 1.5hrs.
Positives.... I've had a shower and washed my hair.  I made myself go for a walk with the dog. I've done the dishes and sorted laundry. I logged on to my zoom class even though I just want to isolate. I'm working on my crochet orders. I've eaten and I'm medicated. 

I'm a bit sad and a bit all over the place in my thoughts. I'm more than a bit paranoid but I'm recognising all this and trying not to let it take over. I'm fighting.

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## Suzi

It sounds like you've done loads love. 
Do you want to talk about the sad and the paranoia?

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Strugglingmum (17-02-21)

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## Paula

Youve been busy. Did it help? 

You always fight, youre awesome!

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Strugglingmum (17-02-21)

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## Strugglingmum

Being busy is my default.  I've done ok today. 
Think I'll visit mums grave tomorrow after lunch.

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## Suzi

Done OK? You've done masses... 
Hope it goes well tomorrow. We'll be here if you want/need to talk... Try not to bottle everything up love, it won't help if you do....

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Flo (18-02-21),Strugglingmum (18-02-21)

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## Strugglingmum

Got my first vaccine booked for next Wednesday!!

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## OldMike

> Got my first vaccine booked for next Wednesday!!


Yay that's good  :):

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Strugglingmum (18-02-21)

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## Paula

Yay!!

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Strugglingmum (18-02-21)

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## Suzi

Yay!!
How are you today love?

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Strugglingmum (18-02-21)

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## Strugglingmum

Visited mums grave today. I cried on the way there but when I got there I couldnt. It did have positive outcomes though. 
I took some false flowers (you're not allowed real flowers in the graveyard) and chatted to her as I arranged them in the pot. I also made a decision that was really positive.
It has always peeved me that when my father got the gravestone done he only got engraved that she was a beloved wife, there is no mention of her being a much loved mum or nanny. It makes me mad every time I look at it. It's a reminder that it's always all about him. Today as I studied the graves around mums I saw that people had secondary memorial stones so I have ordered 2. They should be here in time for mothers day. I can do something to remind me she was my mum and actually that other people can see she was so much more than just his wife.
It's going to be my act of remembrance for my mum.

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## Paula

Thats a lovely idea and Im so glad you wont have to wait long.

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Strugglingmum (18-02-21)

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## Suzi

I'm so proud of you. I can't tell you how amazing you've been. Ordering those stones sounds perfect. You're amazing. Take back some control!

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Strugglingmum (18-02-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

It felt a positive step and it does feel like a choice towards gaining back some control and that can only be good.

----------

Stella180 (18-02-21)

----------


## Suzi

I'm honestly so proud of you.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Been a busy day here. 
My daughter had her birthday and wanted a full turkey dinner..... there is a reason we only do this once a year for Christmas :(rofl): 
Anyway, she didnt want a  cake but cinnamon scroll scones. Being GF she loves getting stuff baked fresh for her. 
Of course it meant I had to make them fresh today. Anyway, I've had a nap and ready to do very little the rest of the night!

Theres enough turkey and ham for sandwiches for a week.

----------


## Suzi

So glad she had a good day! 
Hmmmm cinnamon scrolls yum! She has excellent taste! 
Hope you're resting lovely, you deserve it!

----------


## Paula

Sounds delish! 
How are you, love?

----------


## Flo

Awww...hope she had a good day, it sounds great.

----------


## OldMike

A turkey dinner yum yum sounds tasty.

----------


## Strugglingmum

My psychology appointment was cancelled this morning so took myself out on my own kind of therapy, 2 hrs on the beach with Katie. The sun is shining and it's fairly warm (9⁰). I've my 10000steps done so going to catch up on crochet today.....very little done over the weekend.

----------

OldMike (22-02-21),Paula (22-02-21)

----------


## Suzi

Wow, that's a lot of steps! Sorry that the psychology was cancelled, but glad that you got out to the beach. Did you stay upright?

----------


## OldMike

10,000 steps I wonder how far that is in miles or kilometres? Good for you SMum you smashed it.

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Wow, that's a lot of steps! Sorry that the psychology was cancelled, but glad that you got out to the beach. Did you stay upright?


 :(rofl): managing to stay upright fairly well these days!!





> 10,000 steps I wonder how far that is in miles or kilometres? Good for you SMum you smashed it.


I did about 5 miles this morning Mike. It's hard to tell really as I wander up and down the shore as well as along it but a lot of it was coastal path this morning.

----------

OldMike (23-02-21),Suzi (22-02-21)

----------


## Paula

> managing to stay upright fairly well these days!!.


Whats the technique?  :O:

----------


## Suzi

OO I miss walking on the beach!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Anyone watch DIY SOS tonight?
Featured a lovely family from 1 of our local towns. Very proud of our local community tonight.....and being from NI I have many opportunities to feel exactly the opposite.  So glad to let the rest of the country see that we dont actually all hate each other.

----------

Flo (23-02-21),OldMike (23-02-21),Suzi (23-02-21)

----------


## Suzi

I sobbed through it with my lovely Hazel who has EDS too... It was so emotional and so absolutely beautiful in every way imaginable.

----------

Strugglingmum (23-02-21)

----------


## Paula

Its on my list for later today

----------


## Suzi

You'll need tissues....

----------


## Strugglingmum

Been very stormy and wet here today so I didn't walk today. Had to do a few jobs but to be honest I have slept a lot of the day.

----------


## Paula

You obviously needed it. How are you feeling after the sleep?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Tired, heading up for the night. Vaccine tomorrow so have to be up and moving. Have to be in the city for 9:20

----------


## Suzi

Hope the vaccine is calm and easy for you lovely. 

Hope today is brighter for you...

----------


## Strugglingmum

Vaccinated. A very brilliant,  easy system at the hospital.  Next dose booked as well.

----------


## Flo

That's a great result! Reassuring too. Have a good rest of the day.xx

----------


## Paula

:(party):  well done love!

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Whats the technique?


I may have boasted too soon!!
Katie pulled me off my feet this morning. I landed on the mud in front of an old black cocker and its equally older owner!
As we say in Norn Iron.......scundered!!

----------


## Stella180

:(rofl):  I’d be scundered too! At least it would’ve warmed you up. 

More seriously though, you are spending way too much time on the floor lately and that is worrying. You’ve been walking since you were appropriate two years old so you’ve had plenty of practice. The occasional fall is one thing but it’s happening far too often. Are you wearing appropriate shoes with good grip? Is Katie to strong for you? Is she harnessed?

----------


## Paula

Have you hurt yourself?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm fine.... just my pride hurt 
Stella I always wear my walking boots. 
Katie is strong and can pull equally in a harness or collar.
Today's event was purely down to biscuits and me taking my eye off the ball (Katie) for 2 seconds.

We were on the coastal path, I saw the lady and her cocker coming so put Katie back on the lead because she is excitable and thinks every dog she meets wants to be her friend.... this elderly cocker we have met a few times and does not have the patience for a boisterous Katie.

I stopped as the lady approached and stepped to the side of the path to let her pass with her dog. She then stopped and wanted to chat.....we have before. Meanwhile she is fussing in her pockets for a biccie for Katie and her own dog Bramble. 
She gave Bramble a biscuit first as I was chatting to her, Katie dived to get hers, I wasnt expecting it so wasnt braced for the pull...... I literally landed at the woman's feet! Hope i dont meet her tomorrow  :(blush): 

I love Katie desperately but some days..........  :(rofl):

----------


## Flo

Oh for goodness sake!! You seem destined to be on all fours! No injuries I hope....I had a Golden Retriever like Katie...she was so strong at times especially when it came to sniffing out food...they're renowned gluttons! Try and remain on two feet today! Have a good one.xx

----------


## Suzi

Oh bugger! How are you today lovely? Have you tried the halti style lead for Katie?

----------


## Paula

Or a canny collar? (Its what we use for our two, recommended by the kennels)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm grand thanks Flo.
Over the years and with different mutts I have used every device known to man. At the end of the day she needs to learn not to pull and control herself. I have put a lot of training in (more to do) and yesterday was more my fault for not being aware of  what Katie was eyeing up.  She needs more socialization which I hope to be able to amend once lockdown is lifted.

----------


## Suzi

It's an easy thing to slip your concentration for a minute or two - especially with extra friendly dogs - we have the same issue with Crash. He just thinks that anyone and everyone he meets (inside or out) is there for him lol

----------

Strugglingmum (25-02-21)

----------


## Paula

Opposite problem with Jax. Other than greyhounds, he hates every other dog. But Si is beginning to see results from training. Its weird because he is the gentlest dog imaginable, but of course, with rescues, you dont know whats happened before...

----------


## Stella180

I had an incredible rescue dog called Bryn, he was a collie x GSD x Boxer (we think) and he was the kindest, gentlest dog. We had him when my nephews were young and the eldest was a softie while the younger one was more boisterous. when Bryn played with them he saved the rougher play for the youngest and was much calmer with the older one. He would stand watch over Robert when he cried as a baby and wouldn't leave his side until he stopped. Incredible dog and so sensitive but on a walk if he so much as saw another dog he turned into the devil's spawn. We were warned of his dislike of other dogs from the rescue. Apparently, when he first came to them he was fine with other dogs but over time I became totally antisocial with other dogs and had to be separated from every kennel mate they tried to put him with. he was like Jekyll and Hyde.

----------


## Strugglingmum

> It's an easy thing to slip your concentration for a minute or two - especially with extra friendly dogs - we have the same issue with Crash. He just thinks that anyone and everyone he meets (inside or out) is there for him lol


Exactly Katie. Everyone is her friend and playmate in her head.

----------


## Suzi

How are you today love?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Tbh I'm not doing very well but more important how are you doing lovely Suzi?

----------


## Paula

Want to talk about it? (Btw, thank you for telling us that)

----------


## Suzi

I'm so proud of you for being honest. Want to talk? (I'm resting today!)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Glad you are resting Suzi. 
I've really nothing new to say, it's just all the usual. 
I'm tired, not coping well with flashbacks and having to battle to do the daily stuff. Gritting the teeth and just hanging on

----------

Suzi (26-02-21)

----------


## Paula

Are you looking after yourself?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Eating, drinking, meds, forcing myself out every day, sleeping and napping if needed. You know what it's like, when it's just weeks of it all being a chore, it wearies you down. I'm finding it hard to lift up. I've no motivation but I know you have to take action to get the motivation flowing so I'm trying, doing things in little stages task by task. It really is a grit the teeth and fight through to keep going.

----------


## Stella180

I know what you mean, it’s so hard but some how you manage to keep going and that is inspirational. I think you are fab. You achieve so much more than I do. You even fall over more than I do lol

----------


## Suzi

Do you have any support if you need it love? Acknowledging you are finding things tough is so important.

----------


## Strugglingmum

I have psychology on Wednesday,  my psychologist is a big support but I know that I do just need to keep fighting through... it's the old wading through treacle at the moment but at least I'm still trying to keep moving. For me I know that I need to keep doing the daily things because if i stop i only sink further. Eg if I cant be bothered reading my emails today, tomorrow it's even harder and overwhelming because there is so many etc
I've been learning so much on my WRAP course, it's not rocket science  but it takes all the things we know and forms them together into a plan that helps you get well, stay well and how to cope when things are not so good. 
If anyone gets offered a chance to do one I would reccomend.

----------


## Suzi

You're doing amazingly, but it's also ok to stop and talk about what's going on in your head too love...

----------


## Paula

Morning, sweetie, whats the plans for today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

We were up fairly early for a Saturday,  normally A likes a lie-in after a week of work. 
I've done a bit of laundry and boxed up an order. I'm up in the town to do the shopping and deliver the order. After that I'm not sure. At the moment it's a dry bright day here.

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're having a good day lovely...

----------


## Strugglingmum

Housework!!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hope is......buying theatre tickets for 2022!

----------


## Paula

To see what?

----------


## Suzi

What are you buying tickets to see?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Waitress, they are putting it on in Belfast, his time next year. I've bought 2 tickets....dont even know who I'm going with...dont care, I need a theatre trip :(rofl):

----------

OldMike (28-02-21)

----------


## Suzi

Wakes is one Hazel and Fern love too

----------


## Flo

Don't think I've heard of Waitress! But it'll be something to look forward to.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Was up and on the beach early. Spent a couple of hours walking with Katie. Such a beautiful morning. 
Came home in time for online church. Feeling a lot calmer today.

----------


## Paula

Sounds like a wonderful morning  :):

----------


## Suzi

That sounds like a great morning!

----------


## Butterfly

Glad to hear you're feeling calmer and that you had a lovely walk - that sounds like a good day xx Also, Waitress is an amazing musical  :(nod):

----------


## Flo

Glad you had a nice walk with Katie...it was a lovely day for walking so I did the same, but minus dog!x

----------


## Suzi

How are you today love?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Today I am more motivated.
I got up, did some yoga, washed, dressed, breakfast, tidied up and cleaned the kitchen and I've some blueberry muffins in the oven.
 I am really trying to put into practice what I have learnt in my WRAP course.  No point doing a course if you dont apply it. 
Getting up with some purpose in mind does help. 
Also I've been up for 3 hours and no flashback yet.

----------

OldMike (01-03-21)

----------


## Stella180

Long may it last.

----------


## Paula

Awesome!

----------


## Suzi

Well done lovely. It's so important to try to use what we learn. I know when I did my IMPACT course it was hard to use the acknowledge and accept what was there and to use the mindfulness and movements too. It started being really difficult, but I now use it all the time.

----------


## Strugglingmum

How are you doing Suzi? Healing?

----------


## OldMike

Blueberry muffins nom nom, It's good you feel more motivated.

----------


## Suzi

> How are you doing Suzi? Healing?


No infection so far which is great, dressing changed today. It's much bigger than I thought it was going to be, so it was a bit of a shock... Definitely taking it very, very, very easy so I don't undo the surgery!

Hope your day is going well lovely. You're amazing.

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm so proud (and a little shocked) that you are looking after yourself  :(bear): 
My day has been ok. Lots done, spent most of it with Io on the other side of the table, me crafting,  her doing college work.
She laughed at one point and commented how our roles had changed. She's busy typing away on the laptop, me...... I'm busy with the Prittstick and cardboard :(rofl):

----------

Suzi (01-03-21)

----------


## Suzi

I think that's wonderful! What a great way to spend the lockdown? Spending time together!

----------


## Strugglingmum

This week is definitely brighter than the last lot of weeks. I feel calmer and more together. I'm more productive and feel like I'm taking control. 
Before I started the WRAP course I was sceptical and even after the first week I was still a bit unsure but applying it is helping me a lot. 
Eg before I would have been slinking back into bed unmotivated and no desire to do much
Today I was up, got Io out, came home, straight into yoga, a shower, washed and blow dried my hair, breakfast and psychology appointment.  I have a Masaman curry bubbling away for tonight's dinner and I have a plan for today that feels good and more importantly,  achievable. I'm not boasting but just shocked at the difference it's making.
Applying the principles day in day out is helping to lift my mood as well. 

We all know the saying, Its ok not to be ok...... I've had a bit added on the end,
It's ok not to be ok, but dont get stuck. 
Its helping me to remember that each choice I make, no matter how I feel, will either help me fight or compound how I feel.

----------


## Suzi

You're amazing! Well done lovely. 
Massaman curry NOM! 
It's so great that you're using what you've learnt to make a huge difference in your life. 
How was psychology?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Psychology was ok. She is pleased with the progress I'm making and how better I am at fighting intrusive thoughts and not reacting to them the way I used to and trying to live in between the flashbacks etc and not let them rule every moment...... ie fight for the good in between. She thinks I sound more positive and is proud of decisions and choices that I've made recently or actions I've put in place to protect me and my  mental health.
Actually she made me cry, I said something about 'I must be getting stronger'. She disagreed and said the strength was always there, that I am one of the strongest people she has met and that my strength and resilience is an inspiration to her. To have lived through what I had and be able to have built the life that I have and still care about others she thinks is rare and wonderful and shows such a strength of character. 
For someone who sees themselves as weak and not much good it really blew my mind. 
The big difference is I accepted it, I didnt question if she was just being nice or trying to encourage me, I just accepted it.

----------


## Suzi

She's not wrong. You are an incredibly strong person. You see yourself as weak and not much good? Thing is that's the polar opposite of how I see you! You are strong, powerful, independent, hard working, kind, sweet, full of faith, full of love and a wonderful person to have come into my life! I mean every word... I'm struggling to see how you could ever think of you as weak or not good? Honestly, you have come through some horrific things and you've created a wonderful family with love and strength and laughter together. You're an awesome Mum and you volunteer and you've instilled the idea of volunteering in your children. You're amazing.

----------

Jaquaia (04-03-21),Strugglingmum (03-03-21)

----------


## Paula

Weve said it before, love. YOU ARE A WARRIOR!

----------

Jaquaia (04-03-21),Strugglingmum (03-03-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thank you both that means alot

----------


## Suzi

We're just calling it as we see it  :O:

----------


## Butterfly

Glad to hear that this week has been brighter for you  :Panda:  Well done on getting so much done, now you deserve a relaxed evening! Your dinner choice sounds YUMMY!
Well done on going to see your psychologist too and whilst I don't know her or you in person you truly seem like such a strong person - remember it's important to take step my step, you're doing so amazing  :(nod):

----------

Flo (04-03-21),Jaquaia (04-03-21)

----------


## Flo

You're a 'doer' and a survivor SM and you're doing extremely well. If everyone here can survive this lockdown practically unscathed - so far anyway - then think of the wonderful things to come when we're all allowed out to play again! It'll be magic.

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing love?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm doing ok thanks Suzi. 
Following my plan and getting things done. 
Moment by moment.  I had a really bad flashback this morning that upset me a lot but I've been able to move on, deal with the intrusive thoughts that it leaves and make healthy decisions on how I cope and move past it. Am I still a bit shaky? Yes but focussing on right now, it's not happening now and right now I'm safe and loved

----------


## Paula

Fab post, lovely  :):

----------


## Suzi

I'm so proud of you love

----------


## Strugglingmum

Ended up taking a nap. I needed a recharge.  It's taken me out of what I had planned to be doing and cook for dinner but that's ok I can be flexible....and I really needed the nap

----------


## Suzi

I'm so proud of you for being kind to you. That's so much different to something you would have posted a while ago.

----------

Strugglingmum (04-03-21)

----------


## Flo

I'm glad you had a nap...your mental wellbeing comes first. I expect dinner was still lovely! :(bear):

----------


## Suzi

How are you love? Whatcha up to today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

One of our best friends died this morning.  We knew it was coming and she was very peaceful in the hospice. I found out earlier but have had to break the news to A now that he's home from work. I was managing to hold it together until I had to say it out loud.

----------


## Paula

Oh,love, Im so so, sorry  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni, I'm so sorry. There just aren't words. Just know that we're all thinking of you....

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you  :Panda:

----------


## Flo

What very sad news for you both. I'm so sorry. :(bear):

----------


## Butterfly

That's such sad news, thinking of you all and sending so much love  :Panda:

----------


## Paula

How are you all today?

----------


## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing lovely?

----------


## Strugglingmum

We are doing ok. A bit subdued but as I said, we knew it was coming and that time was very short. I think it's harder because we cant all gather together and have a wake or even go to her funeral. I really feel for her husband on his own, they have no children and she had no living siblings. Thankfully he has a brother that he is close to but as friends we all want to look after him but cant. I guess we are experiencing what a lot of other families have been going through since Covid.

----------


## Paula

Doesnt make it any easier, though...

----------


## Suzi

Definitely doesn't make it easier. Sweetheart will her funeral be online? My Aunts was and it meant we could all go no matter where we all were...

Have some love and hugs hunni..  :(bear):   :Panda: . If there's anything we can do.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Yes her funeral will be online on Wednesday. 
A is struggling quite a lot with it all at the moment.

We just went for a walk over the golf course...A wanted to make sure it was still there  :(rofl): . We have a 5 step plan for exiting lockdown but no dates attached to it. We still dont really know when things will be changing any but p1-p3 are back to school tomorrow.

----------


## Suzi

Are you both talking? Sharing how you are feeling with each other will really help. 
So, the golf course was still there then? 
How are YOU doing with it all love?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Yes we are talking. We both enjoyed the fresh air today. We left the dog at home and enjoyed just the 2 of us. A did most of the talking, he seems a lot better this evening. 

I'm ok. I'm sticking to my daily plan and using my yoga etc to help me breathe and stay grounded and calm.

----------

Flo (08-03-21)

----------


## Suzi

I'm so glad you're both talking, it's so important. 
Well done for using your tools to help you. You're doing so well love.

----------


## Strugglingmum

I feel so tired today.... and I got a lie-in till 7:30
However I'm up, yoga done, took Io to Orthodontist and have most of the ironing done. I've a pot of soup on too but I'm ready to sleep!

----------


## Suzi

Wow, you've done loads! Any chance of resting/pacing this afternoon?

----------


## Paula

A sleep wont hurt, love

----------


## Flo

How are things love?...hope you feel more refreshed today. It shouldn't be too long before the pools are open again.....the hairdressers too! Whoopie!

----------

Strugglingmum (11-03-21)

----------


## Suzi

I was wondering how you were too love...

----------

Strugglingmum (11-03-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm ok.
The past few days have been tough. I've been struggling with memories and negative thoughts but I think it was all a reaction to our friends death. It was her funeral yesterday. 
Maybe things will improve a bit now. 
I've been busy this morning plus yoga and a walk done . Going to put my feet up with my crochet hook for a couple of hours. I've a couple of new patterns I want to try.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:  hows A coping?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Quiet and sleeping a lot.... its his go to.
If life is too much....just switch it off and have a nap.

----------


## Suzi

Marc's the same, it doesn't make it easy for you though love.....

----------


## Strugglingmum

Tonight I am taking part in  murder mystery event by zoom. Certainly something different to put in  a Friday night. 
Me and my bestie may be separated by miles but tonight we work as a team to see if we can solve the murder......unless one of us is the murderer :(:

----------


## Paula

Sounds fun!

----------


## Suzi

That sounds so much fun and something completely different! Enjoy it lovely!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Had a great night at the murder mystery event. 
I dolled up to fit my character and make the most of the night. 
Even had a wee glass of vino with some cheese and crackers.
Ready for my bed now.......such a party animal  :(rofl):

----------


## Stella180

Sounds like a fun night out while staying in. I can see these kinda things happening more in the future even after lockdown.

----------


## Paula

So, you didnt do it?  :O:

----------


## Strugglingmum

Moi????
No .....I'm an innocent, you all should know that!! :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

You looked stunning! Did you solve it?

----------

Strugglingmum (13-03-21)

----------


## Stella180

> Moi????
> No .....I'm an innocent, you all should know that!!


 :^):   :(think):   :(wait):   :(rofl):

----------


## Strugglingmum

> You looked stunning! Did you solve it?


Thank you :Kiss: 
We did follow all the clues to the culprit..... then thought it was too obvious so did some classic overthinking and decided on someone else :(think):  :(rofl):

----------


## Paula

Thats the sort of thing I do lol

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):   :(rofl):  That sounds like what would happen in this house too!

----------


## Suzi

Hey gorgeous, how are you?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hi Suzi. I'm doing ok.

----------


## Suzi

OO that doesn't sound good - are you REALLY OK? Or just saying OK to plaster over things?

----------


## Paula

Youve been ever so quiet, love....

----------


## Strugglingmum

I know, I'm sorry. 
I just really dont have much to say. 
I'm feeling tired a lot and dont have much get up and go. 
The inside of my mouth is completely broken down so I'm a bit miserable with that. My walks have either been shorter or not happening.  
I'm meeting a friend today to walk our dogs together and I want to do it but I feel so weary. I'll be ok once I get there, it's just hard to get myself together at the moment. I could quite honestly spend my days in bed if I gave in to it. But I wont, thats not me.  I know some people can spend a day in bed and feel recharged but it just makes me feel worse. Getting up and moving is better for me, that's why I arranged to meet someone....so that I have to do it.

----------


## Suzi

You don't have to be sorry, we just worry about you  :O:  

Has something happened to trigger this down spot? What's happened with your mouth? 
 :(bear):  Hope you enjoy your walk lovely..

----------


## Strugglingmum

I now have very swollen glands under the rhs of my jaw. Its sending pain into my ear and up my face into my eye. I guess I must be fighting some kind of virus, that's probably why I've been feeling so yuck recently.

----------


## Suzi

OO ouch! Are you able to rest and give yourself time to fight it? Maybe a Drs appointment?

----------


## Paula

How re you feeling?

----------


## Stella180

Are you feeling any better now?

----------


## Strugglingmum

My glands are still swollen and sore but not sending the shooting pain up into my temple and the pain is responding to brufen so that's better. The inside of my mouth is still a bit raw and sore but again not constant pain. 

One of our cats is missing. He does do this occasionally but it's been almost a week now so I'm concerned about him, normally it's a few days. Although we live well up a lane away from the road, there are added dangers of foxes, badgers, dogs, even mink. Also there are roadworks on the main road so a lot of cars are using our wee country road instead of the diverted route. I'm worried he may have got hit. He's an independent wee character but I'm missing his wee face glaring in the window at me when I haven't fed him yet!

----------


## Stella180

This is one of the reasons I prefer dogs over cats. When they go out wondering you have no idea where they are or what kind of mischief they get up to and when you don't come home it's a worrying time. Hopefully he's just prowling the area and keeping the mouse population down and will be back soon.

----------


## Paula

Oh no, hunni  :(:

----------


## Suzi

Oh lovely I'm so sorry. Can you and the kids go for a wander tonight to try to look for him? What about putting a post on FB asking for people to keep a close eye you for him?

----------


## Stella180

How you doing? Been very quiet.

----------


## Suzi

I was wondering the same thing...

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thanks I'm fine, just not very much to say. 
Nothing out of the ordinary happening here. 
Same old stuff

----------


## Paula

Hey, you dont sound fine - you sound very low....

----------


## Suzi

Are you still having psychology? Are you able to still get out for a walk etc? Any news on relaxing of rules and opening of swimming pools?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm a bit low, bit fed up 
I think it's just from not feeling that well. My glands are still up a bit and I'm more tired than normal so pushing myself out is harder. 
I'm meeting a friend for a socially distanced walk tomorrow and a takeaway coffee
Nothing has changed here yet other than schools restarting although I think they are now off for Easter.
Golf courses open later this week so A is very excited about that.

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni! Should you see a Dr? Are you coming down with something?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Oh hunni! Should you see a Dr? Are you coming down with something?


My glands have been up for days. They'll just say its viral and give it time. I'm taking it easier than usual and trying to not stress about it

----------


## Paula

Surely its worth just calling 111 (or symptom checking online)?

----------


## Stella180

It’s been quite a while now so if you’re still suffering it must be worth getting it checked out now.

----------


## Suzi

How long has it been now love?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Its probably about a week. Thankfully they are not so sore today. It's only been  on one side and I haven't had any other symptoms other than being tired. Maybe the fresh air today will do me good.

----------


## Suzi

Hope that you enjoy your walk lovely...

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Hope that you enjoy your walk lovely...


Didnt really. Dont know what was up with me. I just seemed very disconnected

----------


## Suzi

When are you due to speak to your psychologist again? Do you want to talk about things?

----------


## Paula

Whats going on at home?

----------


## Suzi

How is A? Your babies?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> How is A? Your babies?


They are all good. Working away but looking forward to a few days off for Easter.  A has some golf booked, bless him. Our courses reopen tomorrow. 



> Whats going on at home?


 Nothing out of the ordinary that I can think of. My son made a few jibes the other night as a joke and I guess I'm overthinking a bit. I know it was not meant to hurt at all and if I wasnt already feeling a bit low I would laugh them off. 




> When are you due to speak to your psychologist again? Do you want to talk about things?


I have psychology after Easter. Took a break for a couple of weeks. 
 I really dont have anything to talk about. My mood is a bit low, I'm tired, I need to shower...but dont want to. I'm doing lots of crochet but not out walking so much or doing yoga because my get up and go has gone. I'm putting it down to my body fighting some sort of viral thing. My glands dont seem to be swollen this morning,  I just have a bit of pain in my ear but today I can touch it.

----------


## Suzi

You sound really low, I'm concerned for you. Why not get in the shower and wash away as much of the crappy feeling as you can? It might help even a tiny amount...

----------


## Strugglingmum

I didnt shower...I was already dressed and couldn't be bothered undressing again.  I did walk a couple of miles with Katie though and baked some muffins for Io off her breakfasts

----------


## Stella180

So youve looked after Katies needs and youve looked after Ios needs. When is it time for you to look after your own needs?

----------


## Suzi

Stella is right, what have you done today that has been something positive for you?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I did a face scrub, toned and moisturised my face.

----------


## Paula

Thats a good start, can you sit down with a film tonight, maybe?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I had to do a delivery and drop and pick Io at foodbank. 
Then I'll go home. C is coming home later and I promised I would make waffles for him. I'll mix the batter when I get home then I'll just need to pour them.

----------


## Suzi

Any chance of sitting and chatting and not rushing around doing so much for everyone else?

----------


## Suzi

Hey hunni, how are you?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm glad to have finished my orders on time and I'm taking a break for a week. I'm not so sore and my glands have settled a bit. I'm still really tired. I cant wait to get to bed tonight and no alarm clock in the morning.  I cant take my antipsychotic during the week as I cant wake up in time so tonight will be lovely, no nightmares.
Today I got a few jobs done but tbh I'm ready to settle down and feet up

----------


## Paula

Hunni, does your doctor know youre not taking it all the time?

----------


## Suzi

Hunni, which antipsychotic are you taking? Is it one which you have to take every day for it to have the medicinal effect?

----------


## Stella180

It’s no wonder you aren’t in a good place if you’re not taking your meds correctly.

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm on a very small dose of Olanzipine. 
It's a very low dose which basically is to slow my brain down at night and to reduce nightmares. 
My psychiatrist knows I dont take it every night, only at the weekend. I need to be able to function as mum ...... that's an important part of my therapy too.... so he is agreeable to me managing it as I can. He would prefer me to take it every night to help me not have nightmares, sleep better  and therefore help my mood but understands I need to strike a balance. Being too zonked to function in the mornings has a poor effect on my mental health too. Io is off for a week now so I'll be taking it every night this week.

----------


## Suzi

It'll be interesting to see whether your mood picks up this week.... 
Are your nightmares bad atm?

----------


## Strugglingmum

About usual. Some nights worse than others. I know the antipsychotic works and in an ideal world I would take it every night but as we know..... this is not an ideal world. My mood will be a bit better after a few days because I'll be sleeping deeper and not fighting a monster in my sleep.

----------


## Suzi

How long till Io can take her driving test and drive herself?

----------


## Strugglingmum

No moves to open up testing here yet. I think it's on step 4......we areonly just edging on to step 2 of our exit plan

----------


## Stella180

Can you not take take the meds an hour or two earlier? Would that help on weekdays? I know I was given a very low dose of amitriptyline to help with insomnia and it worked a treat but I was taking it at 9pm asleep by 11pm and I couldnt drag myself out of bed much before midday and I was like the living dead til about 3pm so was only functioning for 6hrs a day. That was only 10mg!

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm very susceptible to a lot of meds. This knocks me out for 12 hours,  thats not acceptable to me on a daily basis. 
We have worked out a way to help me get as best an outcome as possible that combines all my needs. 
No it's not ideal, but its workable

----------


## Paula

I love that youre owning this!

----------


## Suzi

I agree with Paula - it's brilliant that you know this, you're aware of this and most importantly that you've told your psych everything and told them that you aren't taking it every night. That's hugely important. I'm so proud of you!

----------


## Strugglingmum

After a couple of really good nights sleep I'm feeling much more energised and my mood has lifted a bit too. 
I've been getting some jobs done today and been spending time with Io.

----------


## Paula

Fab!!

----------


## Suzi

That's brilliant news! 
So, annoyingly it seems that taking the meds each night is a factor? At least you know - I know you can't change that now, unless A can give Io a lift to work a couple of mornings a week - wed and thursday or something so you can take one on Wednesday night?

----------


## Strugglingmum

At the moment we have worked out the best plan we can to help me both medicinaly and therapeuticaly.
I need the balance of feeling useful and needed by the family but also need the effect of the meds to get a couple of nights of sound sleep a week. I do that on a Friday and Saturday night and sometimes a Sunday night depending if Io is at college or studying from home on a Monday.

I've had a decent day, achieved goals and enjoyed time with Io.
I even managed 4miles of a walk in the wind and hail. Last week I could barely be bothered to go to the loo so it's a big improvement.  Of course I also had been poorly with my glands etc which probably drained me more than usual. 

I'm crocheting for fun this week, trying out some patterns I've been dying to make. It's nice having no pressure to get things finished.  I'm enjoying the break.

----------


## Suzi

I'm proud of you for talking things through and coming up with a plan as good as you can for now. That's hugely important. 

Glad you're doing things which are good for your soul x

----------


## Strugglingmum

Oh my goodness,  typical April..... 4 seasons in one!!! 
We had snow, hail, icy wind and then beautiful sunshine on our walk today.
We were dressed in hats, coats and boots and then stripping our coats off the next moment because the sun came out. 
It was lovely to get out with A for a walk though.

----------


## Suzi

That sounds like fun!  :):

----------


## Paula

Si put the washing out this morning and it dried... then we had snow! Its bizarre

----------


## OldMike

It even tried to snow here and it's so cold.

----------


## Suzi

Morning love, how are you doing?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm good. I have all the ironing done this morning and now I'm sat eating eggs, bacon, mushrooms,  beans and a wholemeal pitta.

----------

Stella180 (07-04-21)

----------


## Stella180

I’m so jealous

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like a brighter morning!

----------


## Paula

Nomnom

----------


## Strugglingmum

Have to confess I'm struggling a bit today. 
I have done some housework and took a load to the dump but feeling kinda flat. Crochet isn't doing it for me today and motivation is low.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Strugglingmum

Managed to kick my ass into gear and took Katie out for a 5 mile walk. It did me good. I'm just home and its started to pour. Talk about thankful. We are lovely and dry and I even brought the washing in before I came in the door. Double win

----------

Stella180 (08-04-21)

----------


## Suzi

Do you know what caused to make you feel crappy this morning? Well done for taking Katie out. Well done on sorting the washing before it had a final rinse from God!  :):

----------


## Strugglingmum

Aaaaarrrrrgggghhhh!!
Spent a day and a bit working on a new pattern.  Almost finished and realised that I had done it wrong.....right from the beginning!! 
Here goes the frogging. :@:

----------


## Suzi

Oh no! How badly did you do it? Could it not just be a unique one off?

----------


## Stella180

It’s not wrong, it’s just a bit different. You’ve created your own pattern.

----------


## Strugglingmum

It's all frogged.

A is playing a very dangerous game. 
I went to get a bit of the Easter egg Io had bought between us...... he scoffed the whole egg and left the foil in so I wouldn't notice. I was not impressed.  He and Io thought it hilarious.  
You would think after all these years he would know better than to leave me unmedicated with chocolate  :(n):

----------


## Suzi

Oh no about the frogging! 

A did that and is still alive?

----------


## Stella180

Does he not realise the penalty for chocolate theft?

----------


## Paula

How are you feeling today?

----------


## OldMike

Leaving you with no chocolate isn't that a capital offence  :(giggle):

----------


## Strugglingmum

So today he has made it up to me. We have been out most of the day, had a lovely walk, takeaway coffees, scones, McDonald's,  Visited some historic landmarks . It's been a lovely day out.

----------

Stella180 (09-04-21),Suzi (09-04-21)

----------


## Suzi

So glad you've had some family time! The photos are fabulous!

----------


## Strugglingmum

So today something new happened. 
A got me a cleaner for 2 hrs per week. Today is her first day. I'm finding it strange having someone doing stuff that I should be doing. My psychologist was delighted when I told her during our session today. She couldn't believe I was accepting help.
I did of course do a quick tidy before she came :(rofl): 
I've asked her to do my floors and the bathrooms. If she does that...I'm happy. 
A wants me to see it as a necessity rather than an extravagance but I'm finding that just as hard as I find it hard to accept I need help..... after all, I'm physically very fit. 
However, I'm choosing to be compassionate and tell myself it's ok to need help. The jobs you hate most are harder to get yourself going for and take up most brain power. 
First week is the hardest...... I hope!

----------


## Paula

And it means you have an extra 2 hours to focus on what really counts - you and your family. Plus you are putting some money into a local small business

----------


## Suzi

I think that's awesome! Well done for accepting it and for helping her out by giving her a job! Well done A!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Looking at my lovely clean floors and bathrooms....(and the extra little bits she did cause she had time)...... I freaking love having a cleaner!!

----------

Suzi (12-04-21)

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## Paula

:(party):

----------


## Stella180

Oh you missed my hissy fits around me initially getting the help of a cleaner in a few years ago. Trust me I totally get it but it takes so much pressure off once you stop beating yourself up about how you should be doing it yourself.

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Flo (16-04-21),Suzi (12-04-21)

----------


## Suzi

So glad you're going to allow you to keep her coming!

----------


## Strugglingmum

So happy today at the easing in restrictions announced. I will be able to swim in 2 weeks time!! Superhappy. :(party):

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Paula (15-04-21),Stella180 (15-04-21)

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## Suzi

YAY! Pleased for you lovely!

----------


## Flo

Great news sweetheart!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Broke my heart this afternoon watching Prince Philip's funeral. 
So simple, so touching and our dear Queen so dignified but seems to have visibly shrunk.

----------


## Stella180

I couldn't watch it. It feels wrong, especially during the times we are in when so many who knew him personally can't attend his funeral. I never met the man so why should I be a part of the service? Just me personal choice.

----------


## Suzi

I agree with you SM, it was so beautiful and dignified. The Queen sitting alone was so harsh though. I really, really felt for her. Royalist or not, someone losing their husband after 73 years of marriage and then going back to work 3 days later should be enough for anyone's respect.

----------

Stella180 (17-04-21),Strugglingmum (17-04-21)

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## Strugglingmum

Absolutely Suzi. I have so much respect and admiration for her.

----------

Suzi (17-04-21)

----------


## Stella180

I feel sorry for her having to share her personal grief with an entire nation. Nothing can compensate for the lose of a life partner. A lot of people don’t even reach 73 yrs of age let alone share a life with someone for that long. How does anyone recover from a lose like that? My sympathies go out to her.

----------

Flo (18-04-21),Suzi (17-04-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

It's really been a week of it and I'm really tired. 
I spent a few hours on my favourite beach today (3.5 hrs drive there and back) and I'm stable but I am exhausted.  Different issues with the kids etc have just really worn me down this week and  I haven't been sleeping great. I have a busy day tomorrow but I'm hoping for a chance this week to just rest and be.

----------


## Suzi

Why haven't you been talking about it? You know that none of us judge you, or anything going on and I know it's helped me beyond belief to have the support and the sharing of experiences from my friends here...

----------


## Strugglingmum

Honestly it's a lot of little things that are small, silly and then escalate. I need sleep more than anything.

----------


## Stella180

Those are the best things to talk about so they don’t mount up and cause a bigger problem.

----------


## Suzi

Are you still up early and late to drop off and pick up? Is there any way that A could do one or two so you can sleep more? Maybe Tues night and drop off Wednesday morning?

----------


## Strugglingmum

A does the late nights to let me go to bed. I'm still up early but the biggest issue is just stress keeping me awake. 

I had psychology this morning and also met my sister for a walk. Cleaner here now. I'm ready for a rest

----------


## Suzi

How was psychology? Any of the stress things you want to talk about? 
I wish I could give you a big hug!  :(bear):   :(bear):   :(bear):

----------


## Strugglingmum

I have a lot of anxieties re:the future. My future,  the kids futures, decisions etc etc etc. I'm trying to just breathe  have faith and know that whatever happens we can get through it all together.

----------

Flo (26-04-21)

----------


## Suzi

It's hard to do though, I totally agree. Those worries are the same ones we all have I think... not that it makes anything easier or less for each of us.

----------

Flo (26-04-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm feeling very emotionally and mentally drained today. I think  stress is just really catching up with me. 
Hoping for an early night!

----------


## Suzi

Oh no love! Do you want to talk about what's going on in your head?

----------


## Strugglingmum

There is so much its all a confused jumble. A lot of plain old mum stuff. I find that although I'm doing a lot better, it's still a bit fragile. I certainly cant carry the load I used to without it pulling me down. 
I'm worried about my eldest away in England, Io is having issues which have drained every part of me over the past week.

----------


## Suzi

Hunni, you are amazing, but you have to give you a break. You don't have to carry everything on your own love. You can talk to us, you can share the fears and the load with Ali. 
It's only natural to be worried about your babies - especially when they aren't with you. What's up with Io?

----------

Stella180 (28-04-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Yeah I've been talking to A alot. Io has been talking to him too. He finds it easier to listen and then, I dont know, it's like he can listen, give advice if necessary and then set it down. 
It's like he knows he doesn't need to carry it or something. It's not that he doesn't care but he's able to separate himself from it or something.  I actually really admire that skill. I was able to do it with work but have never managed it with the kids. 
I went back to bed this morning so I'm just up and fed. I'm going to have another cuppa and then do some housework.

----------


## Suzi

It's not something I find easy... I never have. 
Are you going to pace? 
You know we're here too if you want to talk about what's going on...

----------


## Strugglingmum

I've been gutting out D's room while he is away. I have it all done now apart from the top of the wardrobe. 
I have to take C to college and grab a few groceries so it may get done later or it may be the one thing left undone ad Io has foodbank tonight so I have to do that.

----------


## Suzi

OO Did D know you were going to do his room? 
That's a lot of running around too. I sympathise, today is a 4 schoolrun day for us....

----------


## Strugglingmum

I told D that if he left his bed clear I would strip it and wash the bedclothes while he was away (I dont normally enter the kids rooms. They are all adults and if they want to live like pigs and sleep in dirty beds...)
However, I couldn't even find the bed so I've been trying to sort things out while still maintaining his privacy etc. 
Its clean, it smells good and the window has been open since he went away :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

Lol! I have similar rules in my house!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Had to reschedule my 2nd Covid jab. It was due tomorrow but my anxiety/stress levels are too high to go on my own. I made it for Saturday so A could take me.
I got my first one at the hospital but they have now transferred everyone to the regional vaccination centre which is further away, not on a bus route and in a really busy area for work traffic. My appointment was for 9:30. It was just all seeming too much for me.
Anyway, a lovely lady in appointments sorted it for me.

----------


## Paula

Well done for doing that, love  :):

----------


## Stella180

Good for you! Glad they were understanding.

----------


## Suzi

I'm so proud of you for listening to your body and changing it to make it better for you. That's really important. Well done love.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Well it all took its toll.  Came home after my swim, had lunch and cooked out for an hour.

----------


## Suzi

"cooked out"? How was your swim? Was it great to get back in the pool? 
How are you?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Sorry should have been conked out....darned autocorrect!!
I'm ok. I've been swimming 3 times since it opened on Friday and back today. I'm slowly building my stamina back up. 
Last night was the first night I slept fairly well in a while so that was good

----------


## Suzi

Slowly? That's every other day so far! 
How are your thoughts?

----------


## Paula

A good night sleep is positive! Obviously your body is enjoying the swimming. Hows your head though?

----------


## Strugglingmum

My thought....hmmm?

You know when you're just ok but you're having to work extra hard to be ok but if you stopped working hard at it you wouldn't be ok? That's where I am.

----------


## Stella180

I'm familiar with that. You're only ok because you are making yourself ok.

----------


## Suzi

Yup I know that too... Will you talk to us about everything? Then it might help?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm a little paranoid,  having to stop myself overthinking every glance, every voice inflection etc. My mantra, it's not all about me.

----------


## Suzi

Ahh, Marc's been talking me out of overthinking stuff. My head has been running away with me... 

What things are you struggling with? What things are you paranoid about and what's "not all about you"?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Joke of the day

Why do ducks have tail feathers?

To hide their butt quacks!!!

----------


## Angie

:(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

Hazel and I laughed at that one!

----------


## Strugglingmum

I have been completely exhausted today. 
I was supposed to go to the training centre but I'm moving through treacle today.  I went back to bed after taking Io to work,  got up took C to work and have done very little all morning.  I have a zoom class with the recovery college this afternoon.  Thankfully it's only 1.5hrs.

----------


## Paula

I empathise today....

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------


## Strugglingmum

I had to leave the recovery college class. The voice of one of the trainers was grating on me and I swear she spoke 85% of the time. 
How do I know I'm not actually doing that great? 
I'm so easily irritated and peeved off is a classic sign.

----------

Stella180 (06-05-21)

----------


## Suzi

I sympathise. When do you see someone in your care team next? 
Do you want to talk to us about things?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I have an appointment with my psychologist on Monday. 
I honestly am not sure why I feel the way I do. I just know I'm not doing great. I do think there is a physical element though.

----------


## Paula

Is swimming not helping you atm?

----------


## Suzi

In what way physical?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Is swimming not helping you atm?


The swimming is helpful.  Its wonderful to be back. X



> In what way physical?


I do think that my stomach problems have me run down physically which in turn is probably affecting me mentally.

----------


## Angie

Sweetheart if your stomach has been playing up for a while it might be worth speaking to your doctor about it x

----------


## Strugglingmum

I've had a telephone consult with one of our GP this morning.  
She said that definitely the levels of my meds will be affected after this amount of time. I've to get bloods etc done next week.

----------


## Angie

I'm glad that you spoke to your doctor sweetie, please look after you x

----------


## Paula

Well done for callin g your doctor. Can you rest up this weekend?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Having my 2nd jab tomorrow and A and I are going to look at a van! Will we buy? I dont know. Exciting times

----------

Stella180 (07-05-21)

----------


## Angie

Sounds like some fun is planned after your jab x

----------


## Suzi

Well done for talking to your Dr lovely. Glad you're going to be investigated hunni. 

What kind of van? Normal van? Caravan? Campervan?

----------


## Paula

Morning, hunni, what times your jab? Happy van hunting!

----------


## Suzi

Hey love, how did the vaccination go?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I am fully vaccinated.  It was busy but well organised. The whole process from queuing etc took about 50mins.

We did not purchase any vehicles today but we are still on the lookout. It's a van to convert to camper. We just haven't seen the right thing yet but we will. We are not in a hurry.

Io went shopping with her best friend today and really enjoyed herself.  I love seeing her go out and do girly things and enjoy life in spite of her anxiety issues. She came back laden with bags and still loves showing off her goodies that she bought.
Its feet up for me tonight. Between crowds at the vaccination centre and then at Asda as I did the shopping, I'm tired.

----------

Suzi (08-05-21)

----------


## Stella180

What sort of conversation are you looking to do? What van are wanting to start with?

----------


## Strugglingmum

We are thinking prob a Ford transit lwb. 
A worked in van conversions yrs ago so he is quite happy with the work.

----------


## Stella180

Sounds like a plan. Hope you find a solid base to start from.

----------


## Suzi

That sounds so cool! 

Well done Io! I love it when Hazel and Fern go out and come back and show me everything too!

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Sounds like a plan. Hope you find a solid base to start from.


That's the plan

----------


## Suzi

Morning love, how are you today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hey huni
Actually I'm feeling a little flu-y today. Aches all over. 
I did manage a short walk on the beach though

----------


## Paula

Vaccine fluey?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Yup I think so, although I never normally have reactions to vaccines

----------


## Suzi

Can you take paracetamol and lots of fluid love? Maybe some rest?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thankful to say yesterdays aches and pains have gone. Feeling better today.  Was obviously a reaction to the vaccine but hey at least I am now all done.

----------


## Suzi

So glad you're feeling better today. What are you planning today? Doing something positive for you?

----------


## Butterfly

Glad that you're feeling better today and are done and well with the vaccine. Hope this week is a bright one for you xx

----------


## Strugglingmum

I've had psychology appt (that's positive I think)
Been tidying for the cleaner coming. 
I have a zoom class this afternoon too.

----------


## Angie

Sounds like a busy day sweetie, can you find something nice for you later xx

----------


## Paula

Are you able to take some time to process psychology?

----------


## OldMike

> I've had psychology appt (that's positive I think)
> Been tidying for the cleaner coming. 
> I have a zoom class this afternoon too.


Cleaning before the cleaner comes now that's the way to go, I'd let the cleaner plough through all the stuff littering the house but then I'm an untidy sod lets call the house lived in  :(giggle):

----------


## Strugglingmum

Lol. I have her specifically to do my floors and bathrooms. I need to tidy so she can find the floors!!

I'll have a nice cuppa and feet up later after my zoom class. I'm looking forward to it so I'm hoping that will be something nice for me too.

----------


## Suzi

How did psychology go love? 
What were you doing in your zoom class?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Psychology was cut short today as I wasnt feeling up to too much as I'd had a flashback about half an hour before hand so I was still reeling a bit.
My zoom class is with the recovery college....Building resilience.  Its CBT based but I always think any chance for a reminder of what I can do to help is good. I may already know the steps but a reminder to actually do them all is good

----------

OldMike (10-05-21)

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni  :(bear):   :Panda:  Do you know what caused the flashback today? 
Glad you're using the recovery college to help - you're totally right, doing it again sometimes makes things stick more.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Butterfly

So sorry about the flashback! Hoping today is brighter for you xx Well done for doing the zoom class with the recovery college! As you said, a reminder of what you can do is always good and they're there to help.

----------


## Suzi

Hey gorgeous, how are you doing today? What are you up to?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I've actually just sat down. I've been on the go since 6:30 so I'm having a cuppa and feet up. I've just made the most delicious smelling pot of soup so I'm looking forward to lunchtime. I think it may be crochet until then.
A's mum was taken to hospital last night with chest pain but because the hospital was so busy she was outside the hospital in the ambulance for hours. I'm waiting to hear from A  as to how she is this morning. There is still no visiting etc in our emergency departments so it's hard to sit and wait not knowing what is happening. Hopefully she will be ok.

----------


## Paula

Oh no  :(:

----------


## Angie

Oh sweetheart I hope there is some news soon and its good news, I am glad that your resting though as sounds like a busy and stressful morning for you x

----------


## Stella180

Scary times. I hope she will be ok.

----------


## Suzi

Oh love I'm so sorry... Any news?

----------


## Strugglingmum

She is home. Bad angina attack as opposed to an actual heart attack. Due to the no bed situation she signed herself out and GP is really good and will review meds etc. 
Tbh she is better at home where the boys can call and see her rather than on her own fretting in hospital

----------


## Suzi

So glad that she's home and being looked after by those around her. So glad that it was "just" an angina attack. 
How are you doing today?

----------


## Angie

I'm glad that she is home, she will be more relaxed there and it is easier for everyone to visit, and am glad the gp will be helpful sweetie x

----------


## Paula

What a relief. How are you?  :Panda:

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm ok. I am more settled that I know A is not so stressed. 
I've another busy day tomorrow.
I'm up, take Io to work. Home get brekkie, take C to the barber, drop him home and then to the surgery for blood tests. Home lunch, take C to college and then I have a pastoral meet up with my minister,  hoping to fit in a swim, home, dinner and then take Io to the foodbank she volunteers at. 
Tonight is definitely a feet up night!!

----------


## Stella180

Don’t forget to breathe in between.

----------


## Suzi

How on earth are you fitting in a swim as well? Blimey love, are you trying to do too much?

----------


## OldMike

Wow you're so busy SMum you deserve to put your feet up, hope you got your swim in as I know how much you enjoy swimming.

----------


## Suzi

Morning love, how did you sleep?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hey all. I'm halfway through my busy day but I'm ok and on schedule so far. 
Just about to meet with my Pastor  for a chat and then a swim after.

----------


## Paula

Have fun  :):

----------


## Stella180

Sounds like you’ll need a swim to unwind.

----------


## Suzi

How did the chat go? Did you get to your swim?

----------


## Strugglingmum

It's been a busy kind of week. 
It was A's birthday yesterday and he went away for the day to Scotland to play golf. I honestly really missed him so much. Sometimes it scares me just how dependant I have become on him. 
Anyway, I'm getting on with things. I've a pile of ironing done and A took me to the local garden centre to get some more potting compost.  This afternoon I'm going to pot up some seedlings and get some more seeds germinating.

A and I are 25 yrs married this September so today I booked us a night at a cookery school to do Malaysian street food. It's a bit expensive so a real treat for our anniversary. You do a cookery lesson and then sit down and eat with the class. It should be good fun. 
We've been wanting to do one for a while but knew it was a bit expensive so kept putting it off.......I've bit the bullet and we are going!

----------

Stella180 (15-05-21)

----------


## Stella180

He must be a good one to put up with for 25 yrs. with him a belated happy birthday for me

----------


## Suzi

Missing him doesn't mean you're dependent, just that you are so strong together.. I have similar feelings re Marc... 
That's such a cool thing to do for your anniversary! 25 years is fabulous!

Happy belated birthday to him for yesterday!

How is your mood? Thoughts?

----------


## Strugglingmum

My mood is ok. I'm coping ok.

----------


## Suzi

Well done lovely. That's great to hear.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Io went out for her friends birthday last night. 
Yea my daughter went out socialising....and then phoned and said, is it ok if I stay over?
She had a brilliant night. I'm over the moon. 
She said, mum youd be so proud,  I talked to everyone and really enjoyed myself.
I actually could cry I'm so proud of her and pleased for her.

----------


## Suzi

Oh wow that's amazing! Well done Io!

----------


## Flo

Absolutely well done Io!xx

----------


## Paula

You should be proud of her! Shes awesome! Just like her mum  :):

----------


## Strugglingmum

I've had a lovely day. Online church, a swim, shopping done and Io came to help me with it. The sun is shining and I feel relaxed.

----------

Butterfly (16-05-21),Paula (16-05-21),Suzi (16-05-21)

----------


## Butterfly

That's amazing news from your daughter - you can be really proud!  :(nod):  Glad you had a good day today as well, sounds like some amazing things to do  :(nod):

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like a great day. How are you feeling today? Have you had any rest?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I finished the day well with a freshly baked chocolate cake which we ate fairly fresh from the oven. The frosting was near melting the cake was still so warm.....it was so so good!! 
Cake was very much a needed treat tonight in my house.

----------

Butterfly (16-05-21)

----------


## Suzi

Sounds delicious!

----------

Strugglingmum (17-05-21)

----------


## Butterfly

Yummy, that sounds amazing! A treat is always important and choclate cake is so delicious  :(inlove):

----------

Strugglingmum (17-05-21)

----------


## Flo

There is nothing like chocolate cake to put a smile on everyone's faces.......oh gizza bit!!! :(blush):

----------

Strugglingmum (17-05-21)

----------


## Paula

Yummmmm! How is Io this morning?

----------


## Suzi

Morning love, what's on your agenda today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Io is talking. She was up late talking to her brother who only got in from work at midnight. She is ok, away to work. 
I'm a bit tired this morning but I'm not giving in to going back to bed (I have to take C to work anyway)
When I get back from taking C to work I'm going to take Katie to the beach.  Then I want to plant some potatoes. My cleaner comes this afternoon and I have a zoom class too. I'll see what the form is like this evening....could be a quiet one all round.

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like another busy day for you! Hope it goes well...

----------


## Strugglingmum

So in my renewed attempt to seize the day, do new things, step out of my comfort zone, have fun, create memories etc etc, I have signed up to do a sponsored paddle board event. I'm looking forward to it..... the challenge might be just actually standing up on the thing but I've always wanted to have a go and I'm being brave, stepping out.... and hopefully raising money for a local mental health charity

----------


## Suzi

That sounds so much fun!

----------


## Stella180

Oh wow that sounds cool

----------


## Paula

Wow!!

----------


## Flo

A brilliant thing to do! Well done.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Had a good sleep this morning and a lovely swim this afternoon.  Home showered, hair washed and dried and I'm feeling a bit more human. 

My son's girlfriend arrived with a lovely parcel of cake, sweetie, brownies and a card for Io. So so thoughtful to support her through this tough time. I told C, she's a keeper!!

----------

Jaquaia (19-05-21),Paula (19-05-21)

----------


## Suzi

Aww that's so lovely!!! 

So glad that you've been able to do what you need to do to help yourself.... I'm really proud of you lovely. 

You know we're happy to listen if you want to talk at all....

----------

Strugglingmum (24-05-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Been a busy day and weekend. Catch up with you all tomorrow hopefully.

----------

Flo (25-05-21)

----------


## Suzi

Morning love, how was your weekend? How's the paddle board training going?

----------


## Paula

How are you doing, love?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm doing ok. I'm at the centre 2 mornings a week, doing 3 zoom classes a week so I have plenty to amuse me. 
We had visitors on Sunday and I baked for them coming. It was lovely to do something so normal.
Io has her driving test this week so we are also trying to fit in plenty of practice.  My head is in an ok place which is good too. I'm being very aware of boundaries and building in relaxing time to. I'm doing good atm.

----------

Paula (25-05-21)

----------


## Suzi

That's an amazing post! So pleased for you!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Yesterday ended up busy and a bit crappy with lots of hanging about. (Please God let Io pass her driving test this week)
I was up early this morning and took Io to work...an hour and quarter round trip. 
I've been pottering about the house doing wee jobs since but now I'm going to sit and crochet for an hour or 2. I've to take C to college later and I'm having a nice long swim to make up for yesterday's quick 20 unsatisfying lengths.
I need to just relax and cuddle with Katie who missed me like crazy yesterday and I  came in last night and went straight to bed so she can cuddle in this morning while I crochet.

----------


## Paula

Theres nothing like puppy cuddles to put the world to rights  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (27-05-21)

----------


## Stella180

Oh yeah nothing beats puppy cuddles.

----------

Strugglingmum (27-05-21)

----------


## OldMike

I've just worked out Katie is a doggie (aren't I slow) nothing like cuddles with your fav pet.

----------

Strugglingmum (27-05-21)

----------


## Suzi

Puppy hugs are so important!

----------

Strugglingmum (27-05-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm giving myself a morning off. I was supposed to go to the centre but I'm feeling drained and just need to be at home. 
I'm going to cancel my swim too. I need time and space today and hopefully a bit of peace and quiet although both boys are at home this morning! A tool Io to work this morning to let me just rest and relax.

----------


## Suzi

I'm really, really glad you're listening to your mind and body and allowing yourself the time and space to give you what you need... 
How are your moods? Flashbacks? Are you getting any sleep?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I have done the bare minimum of cooking and cleaning today, although I have got in a lot of crochet and a short walk with Katie. 
Isn't it amazing how much energy anxiety uses up!! 
I have a busy day tomorrow again but hopefully after Saturday I can totally relax and just chill.

----------

Flo (28-05-21)

----------


## Stella180

Anxiety is exhausting. A day of anxiety can need 3 days of recovery.

----------

Strugglingmum (28-05-21)

----------


## Paula

> Anxiety is exhausting. A day of anxiety can need 3 days of recovery.


Yep! Its a good job were all so good at admitting that then......  :S:

----------


## Suzi

Anxiety is madly exhausting. It's really important that you are kind to you and rest and give yourself time to recover....

----------

Strugglingmum (28-05-21)

----------


## Stella180

> Yep! It’s a good job we’re all so good at admitting that then......


Very good at admitting it, not always so good at accepting it though.

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Anxiety is madly exhausting. It's really important that you are kind to you and rest and give yourself time to recover....


I will. Just to keep going and make it through till tomorrow afternoon then hopefully I can relax.

Have to go pick Io up from work for a driving lesson,  take her back to work then her car needs looked at this afternoon and I have to drop it to the auto spark so I'm just taking a packed lunch with me. 
A lot of hanging around again today bit not enough time or opportunity to fit in a swim. 
Aimlessly wandering around shops while she does her lesson and hopefully a walk while the guy looks at her car.
Pick her up from work at the end of the day and then I hope not to do too much rest of the day other than trying to keep her calm before her test tomorrow

----------


## Suzi

What's up with her car? 

Hope that she passes tomorrow - when is the test?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Airbag light was on.... now sorted.
Test is tomorrow morning at 8:50, its Saturday so hopefully traffic wont be too bad. If she keeps the nerves under control she should do well. She's a great wee driver. 

Oh and my aimless wander around the shops cost me money!! New top out of my favourite boutique  :(inlove):  and some yarn which I will need to secret into the house because there is enough yarn to bury me at home :(think):  :(giggle): ....... still have some Christmas money left though

----------

Suzi (28-05-21)

----------


## Stella180

Wait! Christmas money? 5 months later? How have taken so long to spend it? I think Paula needs to give you shopping lessons lol

----------

Strugglingmum (28-05-21)

----------


## Suzi

I'm so glad you stopped and bought something for you!  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (28-05-21)

----------


## Paula

I still have so much work to do in this forum.......

----------

Strugglingmum (28-05-21)

----------


## Stella180

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## Strugglingmum

> I'm so glad you stopped and bought something for you!


I think it may be the most expensive top I've ever bought!!

----------


## Suzi

I'm sooooo proud!

----------


## Stella180

Price is irrelevant, if it makes you feel good that’s all that really matters.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hurray!!!! Io passed her driving test!! 
So pleased for her. Her anxiety was through the roof of course but she held it together for her test. 
Her driving instructor couldnt believe how bad her nerves were as she is a great wee driver and was actually nervous whether she would pass or not because she was shaking so much.
Super proud of her. 3 minors which were all for hesitation which is not too bad a minor to have!!

----------


## Suzi

YAY!!!! Congratulations to Io! That's amazing! 
Fantastic news!!!!

----------


## Paula

:(party):  well done Io!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thank you both. I'm super proud.......and may actually get a couple of sleeps past 6:00 in the mornings now. 
With the crap she is going through recently and her sh and time with CAMHS seeing her conquer her anxiety like this makes my heart burst.

----------


## Flo

Well done Io...(is that short for Iona?)....she won't know herself now she can drive. She'll be going everywhere. Good for her.  :(party):  :Hedgehog:  :Hedgehog:

----------


## Suzi

She's amazing, she's obviously learnt from seeing you conquer your anxiety too..

----------


## OldMike

> Well done Io...(is that short for Iona?)....she won't know herself now she can drive. She'll be going everywhere. Good for her.


Isn't Io one of Jupiter's moons (where did that come from) another thought it could be Iolanthe back on track I'm glad Io conquered her anxiety and passed her test now it'll be mum can I borrow your car I'm off out on the open road  :Hedgehog:

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thanks everyone she is happy driving away in her wee red Fiesta.....and I'm a bit lost in the mornings now!! :(rofl): 

In new big big news!!

We found one! A and I are just home from buying a van to convert to a camper. I'm so excited we finally found one, we've been looking for almost a year and increased our budget slightly but we are now the proud owners of a silver Ford Transit. I'm selling my wee car and we will have A's car and the van between us. Any money from my wee car will go into converting the van......or that's the plan.

I'll be surrounded by huge sheets of cardboard for a few weeks while we design our floor plan. First step is getting windows installed in the back. It will be a long process as we do bits as we can afford it but it will eventually be our own wee space to escape and enjoy

----------

Suzi (01-06-21)

----------


## Paula

:(party):  what an amazing project to do together!

----------


## Stella180

Adding Windows is the easy part. It’s gonna be a fab project. Will you be rolling your sleeves up and helping with the conversion? 

Little red fiestas are fab. Welcome to club.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thank you both. 
I will do what I can and what A allows me to do!!

----------


## Suzi

That's a VERY cool project! You must take lots of photos along the way!

----------

Stella180 (01-06-21)

----------


## Stella180

Yes, lots and lots of pics. Before, during and after.

----------


## Flo

^^^ wss

----------


## Strugglingmum

Eeeeks tomorrow morning is my sponsored paddle board event.  I'm excited but a bit nervous too. I love to swim.....but in a pool. I love to walk on the beach by the sea but dont like getting in it. However I have lots of supporters coming to cheer me on...... or record me falling in....multiple times they hope!! A has put half a dozen deck chairs in the van......they really are taking spectating to the next level. Io wondered tonight if she should bring her popcorn!! :(rofl):

----------


## Butterfly

A paddle event sounds exciting! The sea is indeed a bit scary but you'll be fine - enjoy the event  :(nod):  Lots of supporters sound amazing too!

----------


## Paula

Good luck!

----------


## Suzi

Hope it's going well lovely!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Had a fab morning Paddle Boarding. It is fantastic fun and I hope to be able to do it again sometime.

----------


## Flo

That sounds good...glad you had a good time. I've never tried it but have seen other people do it.

----------

Strugglingmum (06-06-21)

----------


## Suzi

YAY! Well done love! Looks like so much fun! Did you fall in?

----------

Strugglingmum (06-06-21)

----------


## Paula

Awesome!

----------

Strugglingmum (06-06-21)

----------


## Butterfly

Sounds amazing! Glad you've had a good day xx

----------

Strugglingmum (06-06-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Proud mum tonight.
Io won Highly commended in the Regional Federation of Master Builders apprentice of the year award.
She's a  bit disappointed not to have won but oh my goodness there is only Highly commended and winner so basically she came second!!
Real proud of all she has achieved this year.

----------

Stella180 (11-06-21)

----------


## Paula

Well done Io!

----------

Strugglingmum (12-06-21)

----------


## Suzi

That's seriously awesome! Well done Io! I'm so proud of her and she's not even mine!

----------

Strugglingmum (12-06-21)

----------


## Allalone

That’s fantastic!

----------

Strugglingmum (12-06-21)

----------


## Suzi

How are you lovely?

----------


## OldMike

Well done to Io  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (12-06-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> How are you lovely?


I'm doing ok boss lady. 
It's been a strange week as A has been at home as he needed a break from work. C had exams and Io was a bit under the weather too but still at work. 
It's been like stress, claustrophobia city.
I went for a long swim today to relax and be on my own for a bit. 
Tomorrow A and I are going to church and taking a picnic with us to go on out for the afternoon,  just the 2 of us before he heads back to work on Monday. I'm looking forward to just chilling for a while with him and having a catch up. We always talk better away from the house and are more relaxed.

----------

Flo (13-06-21)

----------


## Suzi

Hello gorgeous! 
Can I ask what A does? 
I sympathise with the exam stress and it being all consuming. Hazel is doing mock A levels atm! 
How was the swim? 
Are you eating and drinking OK? 
How are you actually feeling? 
I'm so glad that you and A are going to have a bit of time together... It's so valuable. 

BTW it's lovely to hear from you!

----------

Strugglingmum (13-06-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Hello gorgeous! 
> Can I ask what A does? 
> I sympathise with the exam stress and it being all consuming. Hazel is doing mock A levels atm! 
> How was the swim? 
> Are you eating and drinking OK? 
> How are you actually feeling? 
> I'm so glad that you and A are going to have a bit of time together... It's so valuable. 
> 
> BTW it's lovely to hear from you!


Aw thanks.

A works in a factory..... he hates his job.... sorry he hates his management. He's back in tomorrow.
I had a great swim yesterday and we had a lovely picnic today and just sat and chilled side by side chatting.  
I'm doing ok. My mood is fairly stable and I'm still working on trying to stop my flashbacks. 
I'm coping with life fairly ok and its bearable. It's as good as it's been in a long time.

----------


## Suzi

It's really tough when you hate the management.... Hope it goes OK for him tomorrow... 
Did you hike to get somewhere different for your picnic? 
So glad you're doing ok - how's it going with the flashbacks? 
You sound positive!

----------


## Strugglingmum

We parked near a beach and had our picnic there but then we walked out across the headland for a bit and just sat and enjoyed the views and the peace and quiet. It was lovely. 

I'm still quite bothered with flashbacks.  My next psychology appointment is face to face so we can try work on some of it.

----------


## Paula

It sounds heavenly, Im so glad you enjoyed your day  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (14-06-21)

----------


## Suzi

I saw the pics of you and A on FB, looks like a lovely picnic spot! 

Sorry about the flashbacks... Are they following a pattern? Triggers?

----------

Strugglingmum (14-06-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

They have never seemed to follow a pattern. They used to be a lot more frequent than now. They definitely are better than they were and some I dont experience any more. I have a couple that still happen fairly regularly and are quite distressing.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

I'm so glad that even one or two are lessening for you. I wish the others would disappear for you to.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Today we celebrate being parents for 23 years. Our eldest has his birthday and we celebrate the life of the one  who was an only child for a time. Love him to bits.

----------

Paula (16-06-21)

----------


## Suzi

Happy birthday to D! Hope he's having a wonderful day! 
Congratulations on being a parent for 23 years!

----------


## Flo

Belated birthday wishes for D....that's such a milestone in all of your lives. :(bear):

----------


## Strugglingmum

Been a bit of a quiet week yet I'm tired today. I could have lay on, although I was later in bed than usual. 
Anyway, one coffee in, maybe a second one will help  :O: 
I'm supposed to be pottering in the garden today. My veg are doing well so far but I've a few things to plant up. I'm also helping move a sofa for a friend (new van proving useful) around lunchtime so I'll get the day in rightly.
Feeling a bit meh so hopefully being busy will help. I just need the prod to get started.

----------


## Stella180

*gently prods SM in the right direction*

----------


## Suzi

Do you know if there is a trigger to the meh? 
Be careful moving the sofa  :):  

Are you doing anything nice to be positive for you this weekend?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Sofamoved and some laundry done. On the sofa in front of the telly. Need prodded with a cattle prod towards the garden!!

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like you need to be feet up crochet hook in hand and in front of the telly with someone fanning you and someone else feeding you grapes!

----------

Strugglingmum (19-06-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Sounds like you need to be feet up crochet hook in hand and in front of the telly with someone fanning you and someone else feeding you grapes!


 :(rofl): 
I wish. All wee garden jobs done and A bought us a chippy for tea as it was only the 2 of us.
He is now cutting the grass while I have my feet up with a cat on my knee.

----------


## Suzi

Sounds the right way for things to be!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Been a tough day but I'm focusing on being thankful for the father of my 3 kids. I made his favourite food and enjoyed looking after him. X

----------


## Suzi

I've other friends who find today difficult for similar reasons to you and they too focus on the father of their children rather than "the waste of space" as one of my friends refers to hers....

Glad you got to spoil A.

----------


## Strugglingmum

I've had a busy week so today is definitely a crochet and movie day.

----------


## Suzi

What movies are you watching? Well done for having a pacing day!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Watched Luca on Disney plus. Now binge watching NCIS.
One order completed. Another one I need to finish tonight. 
All the crochet is done, I just need to do a lot of sewing.

----------


## Suzi

Well done lovely! Sounds busy with lots of orders!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Struggling a wee bit this week. 
I think its disrupted sleep causing it. I dont know whether it's the heat or menopause flushes but my sleep is definitely not as good as it could be.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:  are you being kind to yourself during the day?

----------


## Suzi

Could it be that you've been doing too much with running the kids evenings too?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Kids club was only for a week so all finished last Friday. I've been being very good all week . Today has been cooler here for a bit so I took an extra nap this morning too.

----------


## Suzi

You seemed to enjoy the kids club... 
I'm glad you're pacing and resting. How's psychology going?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I have an appointment next week. Back to phone appointments but that is ok. 
I'm looking forward to my swim today.

----------


## Suzi

Hope you enjoy your swim lovely. Are you managing with the phone appointments?

----------


## Paula

How was the swim? Is it still helping you cope?

----------


## Strugglingmum

My swim was good . I just kept swimming until I took a bad cramp in my foot and had to stop. 86 lengths today  and yes it still helps me a lot. 
I got a good bit of crochet done too. 
The phone appointments aren't ideal but tbh it was strange being in the same room as my psychologist last time. We can only do face to face if we are going to do work on my flashbacks and I dont want to at the moment.

----------


## Paula

Whats your plans for today?

----------


## Suzi

Why don't you want to work on the flashbacks right now? 

I'm glad the swimming is helping lovely.

----------


## Flo

86 lengths??!!!!...that's phenomenal!! How long is the pool? You must be exhausted! But I'm really pleased that you're back swimming because I know how much it helps you, and you enjoy it so much. :(bear):

----------

Strugglingmum (02-07-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thanks Flo. It's a standard 25metre pool. 
Today I'm lazy and crocheting.....just finished an order. Another one to do. 
A is playing golf later so I'm going to have to amuse myself.  I really should go for a walk but not much motivation

----------


## Suzi

Lazy? I don't think you're ever lazy! You seem to be doing well with the orders for your crochet. 
Did you manage a walk?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Didnt walk yesterday but did today. Took Katie out but took a bit of a push. 
Otherwise all quiet which is ok. 
Relaxing and lots of crochet. Finished my orders and just playing with some leftover yarn

----------

OldMike (04-07-21)

----------


## Suzi

Do you know why going out for a walk is taking a push atm? 
When are you swimming next? 
Are you seeing your psychologist this week?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'll swim tomorrow afternoon 
I have a psychology appointment on Wednesday 
I dont know, I'm quite content to sit , watch tv and crochet. Maybe just a lazy head on me at the moment 

It's my bestie's mums birthday today, 70!!
I'm heading up later for a bit of a party. Its lasting for a few hours but we are all calling spaced out to adhere to restrictions and not all congregate together.  
Was at church this morning so I think crochet in between  :(grin):

----------


## Paula

Its not lazy, its self care!

----------


## Suzi

Lazy? I don't think you know how to be lazy!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Had a lovely swim today and my zoom class too. 
Over here we are coming up to holiday season, called the July fortnight.  Traditionally a lot of places closed down for the 2 weeks. 
The building trade still seems to mostly take it so my daughter will be off for 2 weeks and A will get a couple of days over the 12th. The centre I attend will close on Friday for 2 weeks too so hopefully I'll have some adventures.

----------


## Suzi

Places shuts down for a whole fortnight? That seems more like how things used to be over Christmas when I was little! Now we don't seem to be able to go a day without needing shops etc... 
Will you and Io go off on adventures?

----------

Stella180 (06-07-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Not as widespread now as years ago. My brother closes his bakery for the 2 weeks and a lot of building stops but shops and factories etc tend to stay open now. I actually am always relieved to see the back of the twelfth. Any country parades tend to be family days and an enjoyable day out for both sides of our community but the Belfast parades tend to be troublesome and cause tensions to rise.
I also hate the bonfires on the 11th night..... yes they are as traditional as Guy Fawkes etc but I hate to see all that wood burning and the pollution it causes...especially if idiots throw tires on the fire which has always been a huge issue in Belfast. 
It's your own friends and family you are poisoning......idiots!!

----------


## Paula

How are you doing, love?

----------


## Suzi

I still can't believe your brother has a bakery and you aren't the size of a house!

----------

Strugglingmum (06-07-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> How are you doing, love?


I'm doing ok. I'm sleeping a bit better which always helps. 
There is always a direct correlation between my sleep and my mood. 
I'm thinking I may need to revisit my decision not to use HRT as the hot flushes and night sweats have been really bad..... but there again it's been hot so maybe could just be that making it seem worse. 
I was at the centre this morning and heading for a swim shortly so looking forward to the cool water!!

----------


## Suzi

How was it at the centre and your swim? 

Why did you decide against HRT?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Swim is always good.......a happy place for me. 


I tried HRT about 2 yes ago. I felt that I was really bad tempered and grumpy with it...like rip someone's head off grumpy.
Of course I was also quite unwell mentally at the time and maybe just the combination wasnt great at the time but it definitely made me feel worse.
I feel like I'm just getting my life back and I confess I am really scared to try again in case it knocks me off balance. I have worked so hard at recovery that I dont want anything to jeopardise it.

----------


## Suzi

I can understand that. Is it something that you can talk over with your medical team? 

What are you up to today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Today I have a zoom class at 11 and a psychology appointment at 2pm. 
I'm going to take Katie for a walk now before it gets too hot and later I need to go food shopping. 
I'm sure crochet will feature in somewhere  :O:

----------


## Paula

Will you have time to process psychology?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Yes I'll make time. It's all going ok anyway. 
So so hot after our walk.

----------


## Suzi

It's been pouring here! 
Hope psychology went well lovely.

----------


## Strugglingmum

> It's been pouring here! 
> Hope psychology went well lovely.


Gosh yet another hot day here. I would love some rain tbh to cool the air.
I bought a fan tonight while doing the shopping. Its fab!!

Had a good chat with A tonight about where my head is at etc and the things that are making me anxious atm. It was good to talk things through.  Psychology went ok but I do have a lot to work at and think about.

----------


## Paula

Im glad you talked to A  :):

----------


## Suzi

I'm so glad you talked to A. You guys are a team, let him help support you. You know you'd want to know if roles were reversed.. 

Anything we can help with re psychology?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thanks guys.
@Suzi...... it's more a case of... I just still have a lot of work to do to break the habits of my default thinking.  During yesterday's session it just showed as I talked that my default settings are still there, just a bit harder to pick up on...but still there.

----------


## Suzi

I can understand that....

----------

Strugglingmum (08-07-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Sooooooooo........ I did a thing!!

Today I filled in 2 application forms.
Same job but in 2 different locations. 
Its terrifying and exciting all at the same time. 
I'm very much looking at it as a ......... I'm simply filling in a form. I'm not even thinking beyond that.
And breatheeeeeeeeeee.

----------

Suzi (10-07-21)

----------


## Stella180

Filling out forms can be tough so yay! Go you! What is the job you’ve applied for?

----------


## Paula

Wow!!!

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Filling out forms can be tough so yay! Go you! What is the job you’ve applied for?


Yip. We had an Indian just to celebrate me filling in the forms!!
It's for Peer Mental health Support worker. 
Sounds a lovely post.

----------


## Stella180

Wow! That does sound good.

----------

Strugglingmum (10-07-21)

----------


## Paula

Sounds fab! Youd be awesome at it

----------

Strugglingmum (10-07-21)

----------


## Jaquaia

Awesome!!! Paula's right, you'd be fab at it!

----------

Strugglingmum (10-07-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thank you all. Trying to stay calm about it all, but yes I think I would love it....... that being said there are probably a lot of other people who would love it and be perfect for it too.

----------


## Suzi

I'm so proud of you for doing this! You'd be amazing!

----------


## Strugglingmum

> I'm so proud of you for doing this! You'd be amazing!


Thanks for encouraging me to do it. X

----------


## Suzi

Any time!  :):  

Has it sunk in that you've done it yet?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Any time!  
> 
> Has it sunk in that you've done it yet?


No not really although I am feeling calmer about it today

----------


## Suzi

I'm really proud of you!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Today is a public holiday here so a lovely lazy day. A and I went down into the village to see Io play the bagpipes in her band. It was lovely to see the band out again, first time since Covid. Cant wait til competitions are allowed to start up again. 
Planning an afternoon pottering in the garden

----------


## Paula

Sounds fun!

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like a fab day!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Still a public holiday here today for a lot of places so we are planning a day to the North Coast.... my happy place. 
However we have had to start the day with an emergency Orthodontist appointment as Io broke her brace quite badly...ie she cant eat and its cutting her mouth. It's due off for good next week so I'm not sure what her dr will do but thankfully he fit her in today. 
Then home again and get ready for off. 
Looking forward to a beach walk and a paddle in the North Atlantic. A has promised us a meal out too and I'm pretty sure icecream will be invested in too. 
Have a good day everyone

----------


## Paula

Oh no! How is she?

----------


## Suzi

Hope that she's OK. That sounds horrible! 

The rest of your day sounds fantastic! Have a great time and go for a paddle for me?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Io is grand. He removed the broken part, wondered how she bit through stainless steel, and made it safe until it comes off next week. 

We are having a lovely day. Beach, a few shops, meal out and icecream.  Heading for another beach walk before home.

----------

Paula (13-07-21)

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like a lovely day! So glad all is OK with Io!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Does anyone else find the heat affects their mood?
I am not sleeping well with the heatwave we have had now for a couple of weeks. 
My mood is a bit all over the place. 
A bought me a fan today to put in the bedroom to see if it helps.
I know sleep is a huge factor for me and my mental health so I'm trying to do what I can to sort it.

----------


## Paula

Yes, yes, yes. Doesnt help that my pain increases.

----------


## Suzi

And me... I have ceiling fans in my living room and our bedroom, but I also have a fan directly at my face too because I can't control my own temperature. This weather is horrific for me and if I don't keep a close eye on it I can get really dehydrated and have got heat stroke before.... 

Well done for trying to sort it. I also find my weighted blanket helps to regulate my temp a bit more too - currently I just have it on my feet lol but the glass beads in it absorb my heat and wick it away. It's magic.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Wow I thought a weighted blanket would be worse. That's very interesting  to know. Io has one so I might try it. 
The fan did help a bit last night once I got used to the noise of it and i slept a bit better
Could someone please do a rain dance!!!

----------


## Suzi

Our weather is so weird! Earlier this week we had rains of bibilical proportions, at one stage we were almost flooding (those further round my crescent did flood badly) then the most amazing heat wave! I wish it'd make up it's mind! I'm really not enjoying the heat!

----------


## Strugglingmum

We have had no rain for a couple of weeks. Our grass is scorched but we are on a hosepipe ban. 

In other news our kittens are going to their new homes this evening. 
I'm glad to see them go to good homes.
Mummy is going to get spayed in the next couple of weeks. She is a great wee mum but we dont need or want anymore kittens.

----------

Suzi (17-07-21)

----------


## Stella180

I saw it was 32 degrees today over your way. . That’s ridiculously hot. The temp in the car earlier was reading at 29 and that was bad enough. Hope you are staying hydrated.

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm sorry but I just dont understand these people I see out running, cycling, speedwalking in the hottest time of the day. I'm crawling to the coolest place I could find  today it was the pool. It was even worth having to get into the car for.

----------


## Suzi

I completely agree! The worst for me is when I see people walking dogs out in the heat!

----------


## Strugglingmum

I hate seeing that Suzi. Poor dogs getting heat stroke or burnt paws. 
Our Katie doesn't like the heat at all. Other than taking her to the beach for a dip we haven't had her out until 10pm each day and even then just a short walk to stretch her legs a bit. 

Kittens have gone to their new homes. Have to say while I am an animal lover I'm glad to see them go. Looking after them was stressing me out.

----------


## Paula

I bet, I only had one kitten to look after, and not all day, and I was exhausted!

----------


## Suzi

Kittens are exhausting to look after! So glad they've gone to good homes!

How are you today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Definitely sleeping better with the fan. Still not wonderful but better.
We were at church this morning but tbh I'm just too hot for anything. 
I feel guilty for wasting time, wasting the good weather etc by sitting inside doing nothing but the heat is draining 

I cant crochet as it's too warm so I'm going to curl up somewhere cool with a book and try and not feel guilty

----------

Suzi (18-07-21)

----------


## Suzi

Definitely nothing to feel guilty for as far as I can see!

----------


## Paula

Heat is very draining, you definitely did the right thing today

----------


## Strugglingmum

Took C to work and then had a psychology appointment at 9am. 
Io and I had breakfast together outside when I came back. 
We have done so much chatting this morning its lovely 
Did a couple of wee jobs and then we mixed up and  stuck a lemon drizzle cake in the oven while we eat lunch.
A real relaxed day.
I am going for a swim this afternoon and then picking C up from work. 

I definitely feel more relaxed and at peace after psychology.

----------


## Paula

Thats so good to hear  :):

----------


## Suzi

Psychology really does seem to be good for you love. I'm so glad you're pacing. Sounds like you're having lovely time with Io!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Spent a lovely evening in the sea with Io, C and his girlfriend.  We took the paddle board out and just enjoyed a bit of fun. 
It was lovely and cooling.

----------


## OldMike

Sounds like fun  :):

----------


## Suzi

The pics on FB look amazing! Looked like loads of fun! 

How are you today lovely?

----------


## Paula

It does look fun  :):

----------


## Strugglingmum

Today I have done lots of running about with errands and I'm overheated  :(sweat): 
We are hopefully getting some rain in the next few days and I'm glad. The grass Is brown, the trees are losing their leaves and my poor Katie is struggling with the heat.

My lovely Io reached a milestone.  After oral surgery, baby teeth removal, major teeth realignment and 2 years of braces today they came off. She always was beautiful but to see her with lovely straight teeth with no wires is amazing, especially knowing how much she has endured to get there. 
Her Orthodontist was not going to try and save her canines originally and was going to just get everything removed but I asked him to try as he had managed difficult work with my eldest. She had category 5 deformity. It was a longer journey but she has a full set of teeth with no gaps and she cant stop smiling at herself in the mirror. What a boost to a 19yr old's confidence to feel she can smile and not be embarrassed by her teeth or wires. So happy to see her happy.  
After years of no confidence,  GAD, sh and so much crap she is truly blossoming and thriving. It gives me joy to see her and a kick to keep working at my own recovery.

----------

Jaquaia (24-07-21),Paula (22-07-21),Stella180 (22-07-21)

----------


## Suzi

Well done for getting stuff done, but I hope you're sitting in the cool and rehydrating... 

So pleased for IO! Well done baby!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Took Io and her friend to the sea this evening for more paddle Boarding. Lovely and cooling

----------


## Stella180

I’m a bit envious. I’m not really a water baby but I need to spend sometime in or around the water pretty soon.

----------


## Strugglingmum

We are very blessed living so close to so many beaches. A sea lough on one side and the Irish sea on the other.

----------


## Paula

You do seem to live in the most stunning area! Not jealous at all lol  :O:

----------


## Suzi

What are you up to today?

----------


## Stella180

> You do seem to live in the most stunning area! Not jealous at all lol


I get a feeling someone is telling porkie pies.

----------


## Paula

Wow! that stung  :(giggle):

----------


## Strugglingmum

> What are you up to today?


Easy day. 
I have a few different kids programmes coming up so I have been crafting things for it. 
Sitting outside cutting card and painting it..... pretty relaxing morning 
Have made Io and I our fav meal for lunch... salmon and rice. I will miss her when she goes back to work next week

----------


## Stella180

Yeah but it sounds like you’ve had a fabulous time together and these memories will keep you smiling for a while.

----------

Strugglingmum (23-07-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Yip absolutely.  
Plenty more to make over the weekend too I'm sure

----------


## Suzi

So glad you're spending such great quality time with Io!

----------


## Strugglingmum

If Carlsberg did Sundays......
Church this morning,  huge catch up with pals after, afternoon nap and an evening on the beach.
Now feet up, telly on and sausage sandwiches.  
It's been a good day. Family, friends, faith. X

----------


## Paula

Perfect  :):

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like an amazing day! Hope today is a good one lovely.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Today I am heartbroken. 
My friends little baby was born prematurely 12 days ago. She had complications as well as being tiny.
Last night she passed away, they held their little miracle baby for the last time.
They are broken and my heart aches for them. Life really stinks sometimes.  A loving young couple with so much love to give to their precious little girl.

----------


## Paula

I am so so sorry, love  :Panda: . I know how devastating a loss like that is. Much love to them, and you

----------


## Suzi

There just aren't words. I'm so very sorry, tragedy like that is so hard to bear. I know that you'll do all you can to help comfort and support them over the next while.... Massive hugs..

----------


## Strugglingmum

I've just had to drop my eldest off at A&E. It's so hard not to be able to go in with him. ..... still my baby

----------


## Paula

Is he ok? What happened?

----------


## Strugglingmum

? Appendicitis 
He's had sharp right sided abdominal pain since last night. Phoned the doctor this morning as didnt went to go straight to A&E as we are being told to ease the pressure on our emergency departments as they are so under pressure (our Covid numbers are the highest in uk at the moment) .
Anyway the dr wouldn't see him, just said go straight to A&E as it could be appendicitis,  he's at an age where it is high risk. 
I said, it also could be s bad case of trapped wind but she just said hospital. 
He has let me know he's through triage and has had bloods done so just waiting

----------


## Allalone

:Panda:

----------


## Strugglingmum

Awaiting to see the surgeon. They think its definitely a ruptured appendix

----------


## Angie

Oh sweetheart huge hugs xx

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Strugglingmum

Cant believe he is still waiting to be seen by a surgeon. 
I am frustrated not being there.

----------


## Suzi

Oh no! What a horrible thing to be happening, especially whilst you can't be with him. I hope he's been seen by now...

----------


## Strugglingmum

He has been seen by surgeon and is waiting for surgery, hopefully at some stage overnight.
I left a bag up for him but I wasnt allowed in to see him, I just had to leave it.

----------


## Paula

Oh hunni, Im sorry, that really sucks  :(:

----------


## Suzi

I'm so sorry love... Saying prayers for you and him tonight...

----------


## Strugglingmum

Just saw my son  :(party): 
He is in a gown ready to go down to theater in the next half hour ( hopefully)
Was so good to give  him a hug and get to see him for 5 minutes.

----------


## Jaquaia

So glad you got to see him. Thinking of you  :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (02-08-21)

----------


## Paula

Much love, hunni

----------

Strugglingmum (02-08-21)

----------


## Suzi

So glad you got to see him and he's being helped. Hopefully he'll be much better by the morning.

----------

Strugglingmum (02-08-21)

----------


## Allalone

Sending big hugs.  :(bear): 
 :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (02-08-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Surgery all over. I'm hoping to get him home later today.
Thank you all for you kind thoughts. Xx

----------


## Paula

Today? Wow! Its amazing what the surgeons can do nowadays! Im so pleased for you all. Are you being kind to you?  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Wow, that's amazingly quick - but I expect they want everyone out of hospital asap esp if there are lots of covid cases... 
Mind you, he's going home to you who will nurse him back to health.

----------


## Allalone

That’s great news!

I can’t believe he’ll be home today, I was in hospital for over a week when my appendix ruptured. That was over 30 years ago though!

----------


## Strugglingmum

He got home this afternoon.  He is very tired and sore but better in his own bed.

I am exhausted,  after a fraught weekend today was the first day of our kids day camps that I help organise and run. 
Anyway, first day over which was hard as I was trying to stay in touch with the hospital and organise the camp at the same time. 
Tomorrow will be easier.

----------


## Paula

Well done, lovely. And Im so glad hes home  :):

----------


## Stella180

He’s got the perfect person to help nurse him back to health.

----------


## Suzi

I'm amazed that he's home so fast, but also so relieved for you! It's always better when they are at home with you to recover. 

Can you try to pace as much as possible? Are you getting any help from everyone else to do food etc around the house?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Everyone else is working but we are all pitching in as much as possible.

----------


## Suzi

Glad that everyone pitches in love. Did you get to rest at all last night? 
Are you running the kids club every day this week? - I must say, I think it sounds fantastic and an amazingly low price for a summer kids club!

----------


## Strugglingmum

I was in bed before 10 and got a good sleep.
Camps every day this week. I'm tired but A is cooking dinner tonight.

----------


## Suzi

Glad you got a good night sleep. How's Daniel today? 
How did camp go today? 
Hooray for A cooking!!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hey everyone. 
Hope you are all doing ok. 
Sorry I have been very much missing in action this week but it has been a manic week.
My son is doing much better since his surgery and hopes to go back to work to do light duties on Monday, I think it's too soon but he is stubborn so he will have to find out for himself!
Other than that I have just been completely immersed in camp for the week. 
It was great fun and I had a great time but I am tired and I didnt get a chance to swim all week so hoping to do that today along with catching up on housework.

----------


## Paula

You looked like youre having a great time! 

Im so glad D is on the mend, I can only imagine how stressed this last week has been. Swimming sounds like a great idea

----------

Strugglingmum (07-08-21)

----------


## Suzi

I'm so glad that you enjoyed running camp. I agree with Paula, the photos I've seen look like lots of fun! 
All you can do is advise Daniel, it's great he's feeling better lol. Stubbornness and male pride are always great for them deciding things like this too soon. As you said, he'll have to find out for himself lol 

How are you doing without going swimming this week?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Soooooo, I did housework all morning, laundry, ironing etc ate lunch and sat down to let my body digest it before going swimming annnnndddddd  fell asleep.  No swim but I must have needed the sleep. 

Suzi, my head is really needing the swim as much as my body. I'll maybe go tomorrow after church. I'm a bit wound up and need to relax my head down out of camp mode. My mood is ok but just tired and a bit aggitated.

----------


## Suzi

You really must have needed the sleep. I'm glad you listened to your body and allowed yourself to sit and sleep.

Anything you want to talk about?

----------


## Strugglingmum

There is nothing particularly.  My brain has just been on hyper drive and needs to slow down.
I need to stretch my body and burn off a bit of the agitation.  I was just thinking of a walk but we currently are having torrential rain!!!

----------


## Suzi

Either heatwave or torrential rain? We're having showers like that too... It's great that you're aware of it and know what you need to do to help yourself. I'm really proud of you.

----------


## Strugglingmum

I have tbh and say I'm struggling a bit over the weekend and today. 
I know it's a come down from camp and tiredness and the change in pace.
I did my zoom class this morning and I'm planning a swim but I am really fighting negative thoughts today and struggling to challenge them. 
Hoping the swim will help. I'm also struggling to feel connected so I am going to try reach out to a friend for a coffee date over the next couple of days. I know I need to push myself or I will shut down and isolate and that's no help either. 
Knowing what you need to do is one thing. Sometimes forcing yourself to do it is the hardest thing

----------


## Paula

It is, but youre strong and you know what you need to do. Well done for making plans for self care  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Paula's right, you know what you need to do to stop yourself from free falling. You can do this. I'm so proud of you for recognising and talking about how you are feeling and how it's affecting you. Did you get your swim?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Swim was good. A lot calmer but a bit flat. 
Coffee date with a pal organised for Wednesday.

----------


## Suzi

Well done on the swim. 

I'm glad you've organised coffee lovely. Are you doing anything nice today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'll probably swim this afternoon.  This morning the plan was to catch up on some overdue correspondence.  Have yet to start though.

----------


## Suzi

Hey hunni, how did your day go?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I got a couple of letters sorted and posted. No swim, ended up going to visit a couple of church friends instead. 
Was good to talk to them.

----------


## Suzi

Glad you did something good for the soul talking to friends love....

----------


## Paula

You planning a swim tomorrow?

----------


## Flo

It's good to talk to friends...I've missed it but am having a couple for coffee hopefully next week. Hope you get to swim today.xxx

----------


## Strugglingmum

So I'm putting his here so I can be held accountable.  I need to swim  but I'm struggling with motivation to leave the house so I am declaring that I will swim this afternoon. 
My friend cancelled our coffee date this morning as her aunt is waiting results of her Covid test. Hope she is ok. X

----------


## Suzi

Oh no! Hope the covid results come back clear... 

Have you been out for a swim?

----------


## Strugglingmum

So I was ready bag packed and motivation up. My stomach is now playing up and I'm scared to leave the house. Sorry if that's Tim
Not feeling great at all.

----------


## Suzi

Oh love! Is that anxiety triggered? Staying in isn't a failure love if you're feeling rough.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Strugglingmum

Feeling productive today. Cleaned out the fridge and defrosted the freezer. Been for a swim and did the weekly shop. 
Got some laundry done too. 
Feet up now hoping the fairies will put it all away while I have a cuppa.... some hope!! Home alone.  :O:

----------

Paula (14-08-21)

----------


## Allalone

Enjoy your cuppa!

----------


## Suzi

Wow, you have been busy! 
How was the cuppa? 

Did you get some rest? How are your thoughts love?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I spent the evening doing a jigsaw and watching a bit of telly. 
Today was a better day and my thoughts were ok.

----------


## Suzi

Glad yesterday was better! How was your jigsaw?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Finished a lovely kitten jigsaw. 
Another good day. Church this morning and tonight, a lovely dinner and lots of laughs with the family. 
Also got some crochet done. Feeling happy.

----------


## Suzi

That sounds like a lovely day! Hope today is just as positive for you!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Psychology appointment done. 
A little bit of ironing then my zoom class. Lunch and then a swim. 
Feeling more at peace than over past couple of weeks.

----------

Flo (16-08-21)

----------


## Paula

:(happy):

----------


## Flo

Really pleased you're feeling better and happy. What  a lovely day you had yesterday....don't know the last time my iron came out of it's box. Lots of people enjoy ironing though.....I iron shirts on the rare occasions that hubby wears one.....about twice a year! Have a good day love.

----------

Strugglingmum (16-08-21)

----------


## Suzi

Hope psychology went well lovely. 

Eww, ironing!

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Really pleased you're feeling better and happy. What  a lovely day you had yesterday....don't know the last time my iron came out of it's box. Lots of people enjoy ironing though.....I iron shirts on the rare occasions that hubby wears one.....about twice a year! Have a good day love.


I dont really like ironing but needs must. I dont have a tumble dryer so all my laundry tends to need a bit of smoothing. 
Once I get started it's ok. I listen to music or watch a video or something while I do it. Makes the time pass a bit easier..... but if anyone offers to do it for me I'm not going to say no!!!!

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  Once I get started I can do it, but I do have a tumble drier  :O: 

How are your thoughts today love?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thoughts are ok. I actually had flashback in the middle of psychology appointment today but I fought it off and picked up and moved on with my day as planned. Just out from my swim and waiting for my son to come out of work to take him home with me.

----------


## Suzi

I'm so proud of you! Were you able to talk to your psychologist about it?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Yes she was aware it happened and we acknowledged it but I didnt feel the need to completely go in to it. It's a repetitive one and we have talked it through. I really just wanted to be able to leave it there and move on to the nice things I had planned and not let it pull me down into a place that disrupted my life more. Itms

----------


## Suzi

Makes perfect sense to me...

----------


## Paula

> Yes she was aware it happened and we acknowledged it but I didnt feel the need to completely go in to it. It's a repetitive one and we have talked it through. I really just wanted to be able to leave it there and move on to the nice things I had planned and not let it pull me down into a place that disrupted my life more. Itms


That is such a huge post! Im so proud of you  :):

----------


## Strugglingmum

So excited. 
We finally booked a wee holiday for next month.
 Heading to Edinburgh for a few days in a 4* hotel with a swimming pool. 
We booked the hotel,  boat and train tickets last night. 
It's our 25th Wedding Anniversary and I cant wait. I love Edinburgh but haven't been in a few years ..... and I still get to swim!!!!  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Wow! That's really exciting! What a great way to celebrate such a milestone anniversary!

----------


## Paula

Ooooo lovely! Ive always wanted to visit Edinburgh

----------


## Suzi

Me too!

----------


## Stella180

Scotland it a beautiful country so I’m sure you’ll have a lovely time in Edinburgh. I’m a bit jealous.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Edinburgh is a lovely old city. I love the old part of the city, cobbled streets etc but there is lots to do too.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Have had my feet up most of the afternoon but need to get some dinner underway!!
Took C to work this morning, had a psychology session, went for a swim and did the weekly food shop. Came home, put it away, had lunch and now I'm lazy. 
Maybe a coffee will get me moving :O:

----------


## Stella180

It’s not lazy, it’s self care. Al least that’s what everyone keeps telling me.

----------


## Paula

Definitely not lazy! Im worn out just reading that!

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like you've done loads! Hope you're pacing a bit too.

----------


## Strugglingmum

The coffee did the trick!!!. Bolognese made and simmering away on the stove.

----------


## Suzi

Well done love!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Got my hair done today. I've been growing out my pixie for over a year now. Its finally at a length where I dont say I have short hair anymore. Got it coloured too which I'm loving. No more mad colours... just a nice brown..... its very normal. Not like me at all... but I'm loving it and no grey

----------


## Suzi

OOO hope there are pics on FB!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Heading off on our holiday tomorrow morning.  Looking forward to the break and relaxing.

----------


## Stella180

Hope you both have a fantastic time away and don’t forget to show up your holiday snaps when you get back.

----------


## Paula

Have a wonderful time!

----------


## Suzi

Happy anniversary! Have a wonderful time!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Just checking in. Having a lovely time in Edinburgh.  It's been so relaxing and so good to spend time chilling together. Very blessed.

----------


## Suzi

So glad you're having a great time!

----------


## Stella180

Good, now bugger off and enjoy some more of it  :P:

----------


## Paula

So glad youre having fun!  :):

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Good, now bugger off and enjoy some more of it


 :(rofl): 
Buggering off now

----------

Suzi (09-09-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm back from buggering off  :(rofl): 

Can honestly say I have had an amazing week and have been so relaxed and the form has been really good. 
Its helped A and I be really connected and just enjoying being together without me 'being ill'. I have really felt a bit more like me and I chatted to people left right and centre.
My flashbacks were minimal and I slept really well all week. 
Nice to be home too. My Katie nearly lost her tail she waged it so hard last night and she has barely left my side since. Anyway, lots to be done, Laundry is calling!!!

----------

Stella180 (11-09-21)

----------


## Paula

Aww sounds wonderful!  :):

----------


## Stella180

So glad you had such a lovely time. Bet it nice to so home though, getting back to the kids and your fluff monster Katie. I bet she’s glued to your side now incase you leave her again. Don’t even dare to go to the toilet alone ever again lol

----------


## Allalone

Pleased you had a good time.

----------


## Suzi

So glad you had such an amazing time!  :):

----------


## Strugglingmum

My son and his girlfriend brought me the most gorgeous bunch of roses today. They are stunningly beautiful

----------


## Suzi

That's awesome! They looked so beautiful on FB!

----------


## Paula

They are beautiful!  :):

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing this morning hunni?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Morning all. Off to church this morning.
Looking forward to the service and catching up with some friends.  If anyone wants to join me look for Dundonald Elim church on facebook. Service is live streamed at 11am. 

After a week of heavily over indulging in rich foods I am literally back to porridge.  Isn't it amazing how much better we feel eating healthily.

----------


## Paula

Ive been loving the live-streamed service at our church. But today, for the first time in years, I had a real longing to be there in person. Hope you enjoyed your service  :):

----------


## Suzi

So glad you got to church lovely. I'm hoping that we can make it work with H+F's timetable so we can get back to our Wednesday morning services. I'm feeling a real need to be going back there....

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm feeling so tired his week. I ended up napping yesterday afternoon and this afternoon as well!! My mood is fine and I'm not feeling low but so so tired. 
Anyway at least I got time to nap, it meant dinner was late but in the grand scheme of things..... what does it matter.
I also had my swim both days so I'm exercising too. 
Had a psychology session yesterday and I'm honestly doing well with them. I'm still troubled with flashbacks but they aren't ruling my life anymore so I can cope better with them. 

I got a letter for a review with my psychiatrist at the end of the month and shockingly its face to face......... first time he will have clapped eyes on me in 2 years. I'm hoping he will approve me to get my tablets monthly instead of a weekly script.... it's such a pain as the chemist is a village over. Here's hoping.
Anyway, I have a baby blanket to finish for Thursday so may get on with it!!

----------


## Suzi

I'm so proud of you for allowing yourself the naps. You've just been on holiday! That will have used up lots of other emotions/spoons etc and you need to recharge a bit!  :):  
That would be so fab for you getting monthly, rather than weekly scripts. Are you still troubled with suicidal ideations etc?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Still lying in bed at 9:30 am. 
Need to get myself moving!! 
Think I might skip a swim today and invite someone out for lunch instead. I'm feeling like relaxing.

----------


## Paula

Sounds like a perfect morning to me  :):

----------


## Suzi

That sounds like a great plan to me!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Had a lovely lunch out with a friend who has broken her foot and is on crutches.  She is used to living life full paced with a busy nursing job so she is struggling a bit with depending on others for everything..... and being back living with her parents temporarily!!

----------


## Suzi

I feel for her! I've hated having to be back on crutches. I'm so glad you got out to have a lovely lunch date!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Morning all. I've been busy tidying up for my cleaner coming...... I know I know what am I like!!
I'm having a fairly easy day as we are going out tonight.
I booked this treat ages ago as an anniversary present to ourselves. :(rofl): 
We are going to a cookery school for a Malaysian street food night. So the idea is you go and learn how to cook the dishes and get lots of tips on Asian cuisine etc and then we all sit down and eat together what we have cooked. 
We both love experimenting with different cooking styles so I'm really looking forward to it.
It's as well we often cook together at home so at least there should be no arguing although I can be a bit of a control freak. I will have to lock the inner control freak away for the night.

----------


## Paula

Sounds fun!

----------


## Suzi

That sounds like a great way of spending an evening!

----------


## Strugglingmum

We had a fab night and the recipes and food was fantastic. Ate far too much but we really enjoyed cooking together and learning new things

----------


## Suzi

That sounds so awesome! Also sounds totally delicious!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Was up and away early to a church leaders meeting this morning.  We had breakfast together and then a lovely time of worship and ministry.
Did the weekly food shop, home, packed it away and went to watch C playing in his football match. 
Feet up now!!

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like a lovely way to spend the day!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Have to be honest and say spoons are in short supply today. I'm struggling with allowing myself to be ok with that but I have tidied for the cleaner coming,  I have the dinner prepared and cooking in the slow cooker and am sitting down.... but I'm feeling guilty and lazy.
#needingtochangemymindset

----------


## Paula

Yes you do! Thats plenty to be getting on with today - can you create some of your beautiful baby clothes, if you must do something?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I have lifted my crochet and yes I have an order to complete so I'm getting on with it. 
Days like this make me anxious as to how I'll cope when I get a job. Maybe the fact of having to do it will give me an extra drive to push through?
I'm tired, yesterday when I got in the pool I only did 32 lengths, that's at least half what I normally do.... i just couldnt do any more.
I guess I've been doing really good recently,  maybe it just jolts me more when I have a none energy day because most days I'm ok. 
I think I need to find a pick me up movie and be at peace with myself today. 
......... but seriously....... what if I had a job? how would I do this?

----------


## Paula

We all have off days, whether we have MH issues or not. Please dont beat yourself up about it. And, when you have a job, you would cope - it might mean you do less at home, maybe get someone else to cook or get a takeaway, maybe get everyone to help with the tidying up. You can do it!

----------


## Suzi

Totally agree with Paula.. How have you been sleeping? How's your self care going?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Sleep has been very hit and miss tbh. I tend to waken and can't get back to sleep again.
Today would have been mum's birthday.  I'm finding it a bit tough but I know she is in a much better place and no longer tormented by alzheimer's 
The last time I saw mum was on her birthday, she died 3 days later. 
Trying to be super kind to me this week

----------


## Stella180

Anniversaries and birthdays can be so tough. I totally get it.

----------


## Allalone

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Oh love, anniversaries and birthdays are tough, but when they're so close together that's double whammy... Definitely be kind to you. Have you got swims planned? Walking? A picnic out with Ali?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Had a good swim today and plan to swim again tomorrow.  
Had a snuggle on the sofa with A tonight watching a bit of tv.

----------

Suzi (28-09-21)

----------


## Stella180

Katie allowed that to happen without joining in!? lol

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Katie allowed that to happen without joining in!? lol


Dont be daft!!..... she squeezed her large self into the tiny gap left on the 2 seater...... actually that's a lie  .... she wriggled and shoved until there was a tiny gap for her to squeeze her butt into!!

----------

Stella180 (28-09-21)

----------


## Stella180

Now that sounds more like a shepherd. You’re lucky she didn’t squeeze between the two of you! Dog eh? You’ve gotta love them.

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):   :(rofl):   :(rofl):  

How are you today lovely?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm ok. 
I've been busy at 5he centre this morning and just out of the swimming pool. Heading home for a late lunch and maybe some crochet.

----------


## Suzi

How did the rest of your day go love?

----------


## Strugglingmum

It's been ok. A bit of running around this evening and setting up our new broadband but did manage a bit of crochet too.

----------


## Suzi

Well done for getting some crochet done too  :):  

What's on the agenda for today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Ironing!!! Bloody ironing!!

----------


## Stella180

I be only ironing one item of clothing all year and that was for my interview last week.

----------


## Suzi

Ewww, I hate ironing!

Tell me you did something fun or good for the soul?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Ewww, I hate ironing!
> 
> Tell me you did something fun or good for the soul?



Absolutely.... a surprise lunch out with A and a couple of friends for a birthday. 
A took a day off last minute as did our friends so we took advantage and grabbed a quick lunch and a good natter. Was lovely. 
When A sprung it on me... with 20 minutes warning I said no but so glad he persuaded me.

----------

Stella180 (29-09-21)

----------


## Suzi

I'm so glad you did. 
I know today is a tough day hunni. Anniversaries are tough. But you can get through this. Be kind to yourself. Only do things that are good for the soul today please. Absolutely no ironing!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thanks love. 
Absolutely no ironing but I do have an appointment with my psychiatrist today... in person!!! Firat time he will have seen me in 2 years. It's been telephone appointments for the last while. Hoping he will see an improvement.

----------


## Allalone

Take care today.xx

----------

Strugglingmum (30-09-21)

----------


## Suzi

Wow! How did it go? Did you get through today safely?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'll talk about it tomorrow.  I'm feeling a bit crap after it tbh
But could just be that today was a tough day anyway

----------


## Suzi

Why are you feeling crap about it love?  :(bear):   :(bear):   :(bear):   :(bear):

----------


## Strugglingmum

The consultant was running behind so I saw another member of his team which I honestly never mind anyway but I guess i just felt he didnt really get me. 

He probably thought he was being encouraging but I just felt those feelings of inadequacy washing over me and not trying hard enough and not meeting expectations.  
As I said, maybe it wasnt the best day for me to have the appointment as I was a bit sad anyway but I didn't want to reschedule as dear knows when I'd have got another!!

----------


## Suzi

You inadequate? Hunni, you are so far from inadequate! I think you're amazing! 
What kind of things did he say to make you feel like that?

----------

Allalone (01-10-21),Strugglingmum (01-10-21)

----------


## Stella180

To totally get those feelings. It’s like they set a bar of where they think you should be and you can only look up at it but not reach it. The thing is recovery looks different for everyone and as you know is never a straight road. Like you say, his intentions were probably good but that’s not a technique that works for you. For what it’s worth I think you are a strong person who is taking your own route to wellness. Yeah it might take you on a bit of a detour and be the long way there but you will get there. Consider it the scenic route and don’t forget to look around.

----------

Strugglingmum (01-10-21),Suzi (01-10-21)

----------


## Allalone

I agree with Suzi. You are certainly not inadequate. You are bloody brilliant! To go to that appointment yesterday took guts. You so easily could have cancelled, which given what day it was, would have been ok to do. Try and take it easy today.xx

----------

Strugglingmum (01-10-21),Suzi (01-10-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

One comment was
"Gosh you've been in therapy quite a while, have you not learnt all the techniques yet to control your PTSD?"

I asked his opinion about my expectations for work again and whether I was being realistic 
His response.... there are army commanders who manage to command troops whilst having PTSD because they have learnt to control it... that's the point of you being in therapy to control your illness. Maybe you would be better doing a couple of hours volunteering each week if you're not controlling your symptoms. 

You're emotionally unstable, you need to work harder at that and your flashbacks will not bother you the same. 

I was actually quite traumatised by the appointment, it really triggered me but I'm better today. I was low this morning but I went to my ceramics class and played with clay and went for a good swim. It has helped alot.

----------


## Stella180

Wow, that guy sounds like a complete tosser. How bloody rude!

----------


## Suzi

He said what? I'd be complaining, f*it, I'll complain on your behalf! 

Sweetheart he was completely out of order. He has no business being around anyone - mental health illness or not! I'm furious that he thought it was OK to talk to you like that - it definitely wasn't. 
He could easily have set you back years with comments like that. I'm so angry!

----------


## Strugglingmum

I think he would say he is a straight talker, maybe a tough love type, I dont know. 
Doesnt work for me anyway.
I know I can be quite sensitive so maybe I took his tone wrong or something,  or misinterpreted what he was trying to get across.

Anyway, I am trying to move on and focus on any positive I can. 
I'll talk it through with my psychologist next session.

----------


## Allalone

That is absolutely disgusting. I really don’t know what to say, I am so mad! It sounds like he was telling you off when he should be telling you well done for how far you’ve come on over the last couple of years. 
You definitely need to talk it through with your psychologist.

----------


## Suzi

Straight talker? Nope, don't make excuses for him. He's a knob. 
Definitely not oversensitive - when you were nursing would you EVER talk to someone like he did you? Nope, didn't think so.... Have you told A what was said?

----------


## Paula

Its literally his job to talk to each patient in a way that DOES NOT trigger them, but helps them! That was disgusting! 

Hunni, I hope youre ok - though Im super proud of how youve managed this.

----------

Suzi (02-10-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Tbh I was really down this morning but I'm picking up a bit. 
I told A the factual information from the appointment without the actual conversation.  I'm always worried that my sensitivity makes me take things the wrong way. 
A knows I'm a bit disappointed from the appointment and that it really upsets me when my PD is used as a reason for my issues. I know that that's irrational as it does contribute but I struggle with it.

----------


## Suzi

Have you noticed that you have immediately made this YOUR fault for the way that you have reacted. That's bollocks and not at all self compassionate (although I understand because I do the same too). This is about HIM not being able to communicate effectively or with any empathy, pretty key skills in his profession. Please do complain love, even if you can't do it for you, do it to potentially save the life of another patient. Also tell A. It's important. You are NOT "sensitive" about this at all. I promise.

----------

Paula (02-10-21),Strugglingmum (02-10-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I know Suzi.
I'm sorry, I do do that dont I . I think we both know where the 'It's my fault' comes from.

----------


## Suzi

We made the same connections in our pain therapy mindfulness group yesterday.... 

Sweetheart you don't have to apologise to me!

----------


## Stella180

As someone who also takes responsibility for everyone else’s actions, I get how hard it is to shake that mindset.

----------


## Flo

I feel for you love....people like that shouldn't be in charge of animals let alone people who are hurting and looking for advice and encouragement to work towards a better quality of life. Tbh, like the others, I would put in a complaint or if you can't bring yourself to do that tell your usual consultant when you see him again. I did it in Scotland when there was a locum. He had me in tears by the time I left. I made a complaint and it shocked the practice manager and other doctors. Never saw him there again. I wonder if he'd have spoken like that to one of his family members? Complaining doesn't come easy to sensitive beings like us because we tend to think that everything that goes wrong is our fault! Well I do anyway! You are a much loved, helpful and loving member of the DWD team and never forget that. There are a lot of doctors that forget the first line of the Hippocratic oath....First Do No Harm.  :Panda:

----------

Allalone (03-10-21),Jaquaia (06-10-21),Paula (03-10-21),Strugglingmum (03-10-21),Suzi (03-10-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thanks Flo. You really are the wisest woman I know. 
Love ya. X

----------


## Suzi

She really is.... 

How are you doing today love?

----------


## Flo

> Thanks Flo. You really are the wisest woman I know. 
> Love ya. X


Coo! I wish!.....I make some really huge blunders at times. But thanks for the compliment. Hope you're feeling better today sweetheart. 
It's sunny here at the moment.....just right to take the sprout out for a walk! I expect I'll get another comment about him like: "'ere! where's the other 'alf of that dog?!" never mind eh? Less is more!.....well it has to be I suppose!xx :(rofl):

----------


## Strugglingmum

So I have to be honest and say the last few days have found me floundering badly and feeling completely all over the place.
I'm getting up, doing my stuff etc but I am emotionally unstable. The joys of trauma and being triggered!
However I'm managing to function but there are tears for no reason, I feel blue and finding it harder to find my joy. I know it's there, its just being veiled by my trauma brain. Really taking it hour by hour here and celebrating the little things. Heading for swim now which will hopefully settle my agitation and anxiety.

The positives being.... I know what is going on in my head, I know why and I also know that it will settle again with time and with me keeping doing the things that help and not giving up.

----------


## Suzi

I am SO proud of you for talking about how you are feeling. Sweetheart you are amazing, but hunni anyone would struggle with what you've been through with that dr. When do you next see your psychologist? Can you call and ask her to call you back and tell her about it?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thanks Suzi. I have an appointment next Monday, I'll be fine til then.
I guess for me it just highlights that when you are already having a lot going on, it can take very little to send you spiralling.  I am so thankful for the techniques I've been taught to help me recognize this and cope through it. I've come a long way.

----------

Stella180 (04-10-21)

----------


## Suzi

Hunni, do not dismiss this as something "very little." He completely wiped out all the effort that you have put in. He completely trivialised everything. 
I'm so proud of you for knowing that you have come such a long way, that's so important.

----------


## Stella180

I wouldn’t say it was a little thing but it didn’t take much effort for him to hit you where it hurt. You have come a long way and that proves that therapy is working for you and you are using the techniques you’ve been shown so in a way I guess this negative encounter has proved him wrong. You’re just working at your own pace.

----------


## Paula

I could have words with him if itll help  :O: . Seriously, love, the fact that youre working to dust yourself off after what he put you through is huge. Youre an inspiration!

----------


## Suzi

Can I come with Paula and have "words" with him too?

----------


## Stella180

Can I come and watch Paula and Suzi lay into the dude. I’ve bring popcorn, we can share.

----------


## Strugglingmum

> I could have words with him if itll help . Seriously, love, the fact that youre working to dust yourself off after what he put you through is huge. Youre an inspiration!


Well this inspiration is struggling to put her feet on the floor today. 
Lying in bed, have a lot I could be doing but I have a real sadness on me which I'm struggling to shift. 
Yesterday morning Facebook memories threw up the tribute I wrote for my mums funeral, as I was reading it and feeling a bit tearful Ed Sheeran's Supermarket Flowers came on the radio..... I was a mess.

So today its happy music only, I need to sort out some crochet and I'm determined to force myself up the road for a swim. It's a half hour drive and some days it's the drive that I cant be bothered with.

So this is my get up call, I'm going to get moving, put clothes on and get coffee and breakfast!!
I'll read all your threads later.... if I start now I'll still be here and I need to move.
SM MOVE.... NOW.... UP!!

----------


## Paula

Proves my point. Even when youre sad, you push yourself.

----------


## Suzi

Totally agree with Paula (again....)

----------


## Strugglingmum

So I'm pleased to report I did get up and moving. I finished a crochet order and sorted out my order book and plans for upcoming orders. 
I went for a swim.... I only did 40 lengths today but that's ok.... I pushed myself to go and I feel better for it. 
I am a lot calmer this evening. 

I was kind to me today, I needed it, it helped and I focused on what I actually needed, not others expectations.

I also reminded myself that as well as having a mental health issue I am also going through the menopause and mood swings are also a symptom of that so it has helped me not beat up on myself for 'not keeping a handle on my mental health' or feeling emotionally unstable.

----------


## Paula

Well done, lovely  :):

----------


## Suzi

I'm so proud of you! 
My friend started a fb group for menopause stuff if you wanted me to add you  :O:

----------


## Allalone

Well done! That post is amazing!

----------

Strugglingmum (06-10-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Have the ironing done this morning. 
I slept fairly well when I eventually got over last night but I'm still a bit tired feeling this morning.
I have to take C to college later and the plan was to go for a swim while I'm in the town but I dont know if I will, I feel a bit drained today. I might just take Katie out for a few miles walk instead.
I know I need to do something active to help me cope but I'll see how I feel later.  Sitting doing a bit of crochet now. I have orders galore for the next couple of weeks.

----------


## Jaquaia

Your work is stunning so I'm not surprised you have orders!

----------


## Suzi

I agree, I'm not surprised you have lots of orders!

----------


## Paula

Its not like you not to want a swim. Are you ok?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Your work is stunning so I'm not surprised you have orders!





> I agree, I'm not surprised you have lots of orders!


Thank you both. Xx




> Its not like you not to want a swim. Are you ok?


I'm just tired I guess. I think being so aggitated, emotional and all over the place for a few days has just exhausted me. Dont think the walk is happening either. I took C to college and came home. I've had lunch and tbh I'm ready for a nap. 
I've put the TV on and I've lifted my crochet.

----------


## Suzi

I'm really proud of you for listening to your body. A swim/walk can wait....

----------


## Flo

There's nothing wrong with chilling with the tv on and doing a bit of crochet. Agitation, emotions and anxiety knocks the stuffing out of me so I can understand what you're feeling. Katie won't mind snuggling up beside you....long walks are a bonus. Sprout puts the brakes on after a few hundred yards...but I guess he's only little. Loves his early morning walks though. His favourite occupation is to lie on the settee in my corner and have his tummy rubbed! Can't ask for more than that can I.? They know when we aren't 'right' and when cuddles are needed. Clever things dogs! :O:

----------

Strugglingmum (06-10-21),Suzi (06-10-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I was going to say Good morning but it's a bit late for that!!
Fire lit, feet up, crochet hook going!!.

----------


## Suzi

That sounds lovely! 

How are you feeling today love?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm ok thanks Suzi. 
Hoping to get out to my ceramics class tomorrow.  Tonight...... more crochet

----------

Suzi (07-10-21)

----------


## Suzi

Glad you're OK hunni x

----------


## Strugglingmum

Today I was reminded of how easy it is to slip into a downward spiral and how hard it can be to stop yourself from free falling into a hole.

I had a psychiatric appointment a couple of weeks ago, it was a tough day in an already hard week. It really knocked me for 6. Since then my anxiety and agitation  has been increased. I'm not sleeping very well or soundly. 
This has a knock on effect on my flashbacks which sends my distress sky rocketing. I'm also exhausted and have a niggling tension headache most of the time which means I dont feel like doing the things that help me cope.... eg swimming,  meeting up with friends. I just want to curl up on my sofa. 
I'm trying to break the cycle. Yesterday I did a bit of gardening, today I met a friend for a short walk but I'm worn down. As ever stopping the direction of the spiral and turning it around requires a lot more energy than just staying riding it down. At the end of the day, I'm the only one that can make the choice to try turn it around and put the effort in that it takes. 
Its damn hard, I dont really want to, I'm tired and my sofa is comfy but that black hole is not somewhere I want to be. 
So today, I was honest with my psychologist,  I shared the fact that I'm struggling with my friend because having your support network makes all the difference whether its friends,  family, on line community , we all need it to succeed.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:  :Panda: 

Do you think you could go for a swim tomorrow?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Do you think you could go for a swim tomorrow?


I'm hoping to. X

----------

Paula (12-10-21)

----------


## Suzi

I'm proud of you for recognising for this and knowing what you need to do... Maybe we could do a google meet thing next week or so? Might help?

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## Stella180

I’m definitely up for a google meet. Wait, am I gatecrashing? Sorry if I’m not invited but just saying I would really love to see all your lovely faces and chew the fat with you all. I miss those meetings.

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## Strugglingmum

> I'm proud of you for recognising for this and knowing what you need to do... Maybe we could do a google meet thing next week or so? Might help?


Sounds good, let me know when suits you guys.

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Suzi (12-10-21)

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## Strugglingmum

I am so exhausted and every muscle in my body aches (I know, some of you are thinking, welcome to my world) 
I did a pile of ironing this morning and I'm worn out. 
I'm actually beginning to wonder if I have a virus or something but I've no temperature.  Dont think there will be much else done today. I feel ready for bed so dont think I'll try a swim. I thought about a walk but even the thought is making my legs ache more. 
Sorry I dont mean to whinge but it just sort of struck me that maybe some of how I'm feeling has a physical cause. I'm always quick to blame my MH.

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## Stella180

You are aware that MH can have physical symptoms too. Physical exhaustion is t uncommon when we’re struggling mentally. Maybe you need a couple of days of taking it easy to recharge the battery.

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## Paula

While I agree with Stella, it might be worth doing a covid test, just to rule that out?

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## Suzi

> I am so exhausted and every muscle in my body aches (I know, some of you are thinking, welcome to my world)


Absolutely not! I'd hate for anyone to deal with this kind of stuff.... 




> I did a pile of ironing this morning and I'm worn out.


I had a long zoom meeting and went out to take H to get her 2nd covid vaccine yesterday and we walked around a shop too. Today I'm in a flare and have been flaking all day. I've done some studying, but not a lot else at all! Really, really, don't beat yourself up! Ironing is exhausting! It's one of the reasons I don't do it. 



> I'm actually beginning to wonder if I have a virus or something but I've no temperature.  Dont think there will be much else done today. I feel ready for bed so dont think I'll try a swim. I thought about a walk but even the thought is making my legs ache more. 
> Sorry I dont mean to whinge but it just sort of struck me that maybe some of how I'm feeling has a physical cause. I'm always quick to blame my MH.


I really think that doing a covid test might be an idea as Paula suggests, but Stella is also right. You had that horrible experience with the psych and then been dealing with flashbacks etc and then having to go over it all with your psychologist.... Sweetheart, be kind to you. I think you're underestimating what a huge impact that blokes words have done to you.

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## Strugglingmum

Finally starting to feel like I have a bit more energy.
I'm getting a  bit more sleep, still a bit broken but more hours in total.
I managed a swim today after my ceramics class , first time since last Friday. Was nice to be back in the pool!

I'm really worrying about my hubby. 
He hasn't been enjoying his job for a while but he has a new team lead for the past couple of months who is even worse. He was near in tears yesterday and today because of it. 
The thing is, he is so demoralised and lost all his confidence in himself so he is scared to leave. Also he doesnt have any qualifications....he has always worked with his hands so getting another job will be near impossible.  He feels so trapped my heart breaks for him. 
I feel guilty for not having a job yet to ease the pressure on him. He is carrying the world on his shoulders and he is near breaking point. I just want to fix everything for him. He is so miserable and stressed and his mental health is starting to suffer quite a bit.

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## Paula

He may not have qualifications but he obviously has skills. Perhaps he could test the water? Has he been with his company for long?
Would he go to the doctors?

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## Suzi

What kind of thing is it he does? 
My big sister's hubby was in a similar boat, always worked with his hands, no qualifications - not even a city and guilds (so I was told) and he's started up his own handyman business and is doing really well. He's always busy! Could something like that work? It means that my bil can have no two weeks the same! Same as my little brother, although he has a level 3 in carpentry, he's started his own business and is turning work away. He put up the screens in the bar of several pubs, last week he was changing facias, he's done decking and is currently taken down my sisters conservatory and turning it into a proper extension for a bespoke kitchen.... Might be something to think about?

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## Strugglingmum

Yeah he used to be self employed a number of years ago but he isn't keen to do it again. 
A lot of it is confidence... also last time he was self employed I was bringing in a good wage so if he had a slack week it didnt matter so much... now it is a scary thought.

He is going to put out some feelers into the building industry again to see the level of work that is out there.

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## Suzi

That's all fair enough. Love, you sound as if you are blaming yourself for him finding things tough.... Do not beat yourself up for not having a job right now...

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## Strugglingmum

I'm trying. I'm also reminding him that we will always find a way through, whatever.

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## Suzi

Exactly... You've weathered other storms together, you will this one too. You can do it, but you each have to be kind to you too...

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Strugglingmum (16-10-21)

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## Strugglingmum

Didn't sleep that well last night so I'm giving the centre a miss today, I'll catch up on some crochet instead. Will I manage to force myself up the road for a swim? Who knows. 
Its absolutely bucketing down here!!

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## Suzi

:(bear):   :(bear):  I'm glad you're being kind to you lovely... 
Welcome to join us for coffee morning if you fancy...

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## Paula

Do you know why you didnt sleep?

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## Strugglingmum

Managed a swim today and I have to say it did its magic and calmed a lot of what is going on in my head..... for a while anyway!!
Spent time having a coffee and chat with a friend too. 
All in all, a better day than some

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## Suzi

So glad you've managed it and it's helped love.

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Strugglingmum (20-10-21)

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## Paula

Morning, gorgeous, how are you?

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## Strugglingmum

Good morning.  I'm doing ok. 
I've just had a phone call to slot me into my consultant's clinic today.....yes I'm still trying to get my meds sorted!!

Hopefully it will slow things down for me.

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## Suzi

That's great that you've finally got that appointment. Sorry it's taken a while to sort out!

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## Strugglingmum

Relieved to have my antipsychotic increased. Hopefully will see an improvement

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## Paula

Well done, hunni

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## Suzi

That's good news.... When do you start the increase?

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## Strugglingmum

I increased tonight as I through caution to the wind and used today's and tomorrow's dose hoping the script will be ready tomorrow.... I'm due my tablets on Friday anyway as I only get 7 days at a time.

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## Stella180

I went through a spell of only being allowed 7 days meds. It was a pain having keep going back weekly but it was the safest option at the time.

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## Suzi

How are you feeling after increasing?

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## Strugglingmum

My increase as yet hasn't done as much as I had hoped but it's still early days.

In other news,  as some of you know I'm trying to get back into work after  over 5 years of illness. It's tough, I've had a lot of rejections....or just no replies at all, and finding something without shift work etc has been hard too. 
This week I am sitting psychometric tests for the 2nd round in the application process for a job. I'm not sure its a job that I desperately want but it's a job. It's also been very heavily applied for so I'm in a huge competition but I'm trying to stay calm and see what happens.
Wish me luck guys. My head is so scrambled at the minute and I'm still not sleeping great so I feel a bit screwed, but sure, you never know.

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## Stella180

Believe. You know you are more than capable or you wouldn’t have applied. They would be lucky to have you and if you don’t get the job then that is their loss. Make sure you rest up once you’re done. Feet up and cuppa and chocolate biscuit or two.

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Flo (13-11-21),Strugglingmum (08-11-21)

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## Suzi

Just remember you are interviewing them to see if you want to work for them! 
If you haven't been able to get the jobs then you can always contact them and ask for feedback as to why your application wasn't successful.

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Stella180 (08-11-21),Strugglingmum (08-11-21)

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## Paula

Im so proud of you! As Stella says, you are definitely capable. I know how tough the endless rounds of CV submission, interviews etc is, but you can do it!

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## Strugglingmum

I've organised to go into the training centre to  use their IT suite to sit the tests. I'm going in Wednesday afternoon for a test run and then hope to sit the tests on Thursday if all goes well. I have til next Monday to submit the tests.

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## Stella180

You’ll be just fine. I have every faith in you.

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## Suzi

Well done love! You're far from a stupid person. Ask questions you need answers to and work out if you even want to work for them... What kind of job is it?

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## Strugglingmum

So I guess I can safely say the increase in tablets isn't helping my sleep any. Heading to bed before A realises I'm still up!!

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## Suzi

Oh, I'm sorry love. I was still up at 4 so I sympathise. Did you get any sleep?

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## Flo

I feel for you! Lack of sleep is horrible. It seems the more desperate we are to get sleep the more difficult it becomes! Operating on auto pilot to get through the day is gruelling. Good luck with your tests ...you'll be fine. You're a clever lady. As suzi says turn the tables and interview them! Are they right for YOU! :O:

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## Paula

Did you get any sleep at all?

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## Flo

Morning love.....how are things today?

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## Strugglingmum

Hi Flo.
Plodding on and keeping busy

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## Suzi

Did you get to Church today? 
What are you doing to keep busy? Any self care?

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## Strugglingmum

I was at church this morning and this evening.  
Did a bit of crochet and watched some Jack Whitehall stand up routines. Anything for a laugh

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## Suzi

You still feeling crappy? Have you spoken to Ali? Your Pastor?

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## Strugglingmum

I'm still not sleeping.  Yip I've talked to them both about all that's been going on. I have psychology tomorrow morning so I'll see how that goes. Will get a swim in as well.

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## Suzi

I'm really proud of you for talking. Also have to say I love your gnomes you've made this week!

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## Strugglingmum

Thanks..... I'm rather in love with them too!! 
Very easy Suzi.... you should have a go. X

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## Suzi

I'm currently involved in a CAL project of a whatchamacallit blanket which I'm loving... Do you want the pattern?

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## Strugglingmum

Oh I have seen that one. Think I have the pattern for it. Xx

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## Suzi

:):  Its a good distraction, but easy enough to pick up and put down  :O:

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## Flo

Are you talking crochet? I can't crochet which is a shame because my mum loved crocheting...never mind. Pleased you're feeling a bit better SM. Talking of church....I went to a meeting of our Wednesday club last friday and we made  afternoon tea themed cut-outs to hang on the church tree. Ian is going to make a gold teapot to go on the top. One of our churches is ancient and looks amazing at Christmas, our other one in Churchstanton is even older and has a minstrels gallery where the local land owners used to congregate...there are carvings there that go back to 1100 or so. Might even go to midnight mass on christmas eve!  Just a bit of useless information thought you might like. :(giggle):

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## Strugglingmum

I love old churches Flo. 
Whenever I see one I immediately want a tour round. 
We do midnight mass on Christmas Eve too. I love it.

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## Suzi

Yup crochet  :O:  I can't knit!

I love old churches! There's something almost magical - well spiritual in them. 
SM how are you this evening?

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## Strugglingmum

Went to our midweek service in church and grabbed a coffee after with some friends

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## Suzi

Glad you got to do that. Did it help at all?

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## Strugglingmum

It distracted my brain for a while and I find being at church soothing. It's also a very loving place.

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## Suzi

So glad it helped even a little. What've you got planned for today?

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## Strugglingmum

Got an email today to say I'm progressing to the next round in selection for one of the jobs I applied for.... dear knows how many more rounds there are and no idea how many jobs there are as it says they will maintain a waiting list for 18 months but at least I can say I tried and I'm making it further than I ever thought I would.
Despite everything that is going on in my head and with my family, I'm still trying.

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Stella180 (18-11-21)

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## Stella180

That’s great news. You’ve got this.

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Strugglingmum (18-11-21)

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## Paula

Well done, love!

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Strugglingmum (18-11-21)

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## Allalone

Well done! You’re amazing!

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Strugglingmum (18-11-21)

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## Suzi

That's amazing! Well done lovely!

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Strugglingmum (18-11-21)

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## Strugglingmum

Thank you all. Just a step forward, still a few to go but yes I'm pleased. X

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## Stella180

So you should be. Remember they will be lucky to have you.

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Strugglingmum (18-11-21)

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## Suzi

It's a huge step forward! You should be really proud of yourself. I'm proud of you!

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Strugglingmum (18-11-21)

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## Strugglingmum

So I dont want anyone falling over in shock (Paula, especially you.x)
I have a thing tomorrow night which I normally spend hours baking for... scones, traybakes, buns cake etc 
Today I bought scones, cake, some traybakes. Tomorrow I'll do my lemon cupcakes, but that's it. 
I realised.... I'm too tired, why would I stress myself like that. Will anyone really care if they aren't homemade.... it's my pride that wants them home baked. Today I made a decision to listen to what my body could cope with and act accordingly.  I'm more impressed with that than anything else recently

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## Stella180

Well done for listening to your body and not pushing yourself self too far. Sweet treats will be enjoyed whether home baked or shop bought.

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## Paula

I am hugely impressed! And proud of you

But. Really? Bloody cheek!  :(rofl):

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## Suzi

I am so amazingly proud of you! Well done love!

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## Flo

You've done the right thing. I suffer from this pride thing too, but like you, for my own sake I buy instead of bake! As my first sponsor used to say " Does it REALLY matter Jen?" well no it doesn't! Plenty more home bakes when you feel like it. Oh, and well done with your first phase job selection. I'll keep my fingers crossed! xx

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## Strugglingmum

Thanks Flo. X
Hope you are doing ok. How is your furbaby doing?

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## Flo

Fur baby is incredibly furry! He has gained a bit of weight which is a good thing as his backbone was very prominent when we got him...his new coat arrived an hour ago and fits him to a T! He's lounging on the settee beside me at the moment. Looking forward to seeing my other big baby tomorrow (Zoe) she and her fiance are flying down from Inverness all being well for a long weekend...just hope the weather isn't too horrible..it'll be good to catch up.xxx hope all is well with you love.

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## Strugglingmum

Oooo have a wonderful weekend Flo!!!

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## Suzi

Oh how awesome! Hope you have an amazing weekend together!

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## Paula

Yay! Have a lovely time!

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## Flo

> Oooo have a wonderful weekend Flo!!!





> Oh how awesome! Hope you have an amazing weekend together!





> Yay! Have a lovely time!


Thank you....lots of love to you all.xxxxx

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Suzi (26-11-21)

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## Strugglingmum

We have spent last night and today decorating our bedroom.  Its not finished.... still wallpaper to put on 1 wall. It's looking well. We probably won't get the woodwork done til Christmas when Ali can take all the doors down and spray them.
Hopefully tonight we can move back the wardrobes and maybe sleep in our bed tonight instead of the sofa.
Its been a great distraction.

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## Suzi

Are you talking as you work?

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## Strugglingmum

You know what, we are enjoying talking about rubbish. There has been so many upsetting serious discussions this week. Today we laugh.... or try!!

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Flo (30-11-21)

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## Paula

Thats an awesome post!

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## Suzi

That's a fantastic post!

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## OldMike

There's nothing like the therapeutic effect of decorating  :):

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## Jaquaia

> There's nothing like the therapeutic effect of decorating


Nearly falling off a ladder while holding half a tin of paint is bloody stressful though!!!

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## Suzi

Why were you up a ladder with half a tin of paint?

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## Jaquaia

I was painting the wall over the door and overbalanced a little!

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## Flo

Good for  you!....d'ya know what? I'm embarrassed to say that I wouldn't know what to do with a paint brush!! I have the greatest respect for people that can do their own decorating. I'd be a total liability if I offered to help anyone! Great too that you can laugh and talk rubbish....I do a lot of that. Zoe and I killed ourselves laughing over the weekend doing just that. She went home yesterday and I'm going through the grieving process. She and her bloke spent a lot of time getting to know the locals at the pub. She knows more people than I do! :(giggle): xxx

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## Suzi

> I was painting the wall over the door and overbalanced a little!


Should you really have been doing that?


Aw Flo, I'm sorry love.

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## Jaquaia

I've helped my dad since I was little Flo! I can even tile! Hugs to you, but I think it shows just how awesome your little girl is! 

Suzi, I was pacing... Mostly...

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## Suzi

Yeah, probably as much as I have been today  :O:

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## Flo

Thanks Jaq....you can turn your hand to almost anything! how's your brood? looking forward to santa?

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## Strugglingmum

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?sto...11763915512018

Thought I would share a link to our carol service this evening with Brass band. 
Just to get you all in the mood. X

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Flo (13-12-21),Jaquaia (12-12-21),Stella180 (12-12-21)

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## Strugglingmum

Psych review this morning and then a visit to see father..   appreciate any good thoughts you want to send my way.

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## Jaquaia

Sending so many good thoughts your way!  :Panda:

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## Suzi

How did they go love? What were you seeing your father for?

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## Strugglingmum

Meds increased again and 2 weeks sleeping tablets.

Christmas present delivery.  My friend went with me. She was brill.

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## Suzi

How are you feeling about the increase and sleeping tablets? 

Glad the present delivery went well!

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## Strugglingmum

I'm willing to try anything if it will help. 
It would be nice to get more than 4hrs sleep at a time, although I slept an hour this afternoon.

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## Suzi

I'm glad you're not ruling anything out.

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## Flo

How are you doing love? Are you managing to get any decent sleep? I know how miserable it is not being able to sleep. I hope the meds are doing their job. xxx

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## Strugglingmum

Thanks Flo. Hopefully sleep will improve soon. Xx

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## Suzi

Hey love, how are things?

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## Strugglingmum

> Hey love, how are things?


Trying to keep busy. I dissolve into tears at no provocation but A and I are trying to help each other get through

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## Paula

:Panda:

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## Suzi

I'm so glad you're talking things through with Ali love.

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## Flo

Lots of love coming your way sweetheart. xxxx :(bear):  :(bear):

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Strugglingmum (20-12-21)

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## Strugglingmum

Thanks Flo. Xx

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## Strugglingmum

Can someone close this thread please.  X

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## Stella180

Whoa, wait a minute. What’s going on?

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## Allalone

Is everything ok?

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## Suzi

Once again, I'm closing this as you're asking, but I have sent you a pm which I need an answer to please.

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