# Help and Advice > Coping with Depression >  Selena on the Way to Wonderland *SH TRIGGERS*

## selena

I cannot believe, but came to close one chapter of my sorrow, and open a new thread. I hope that this new stage of my life will be filled with more peace, although struggle sometimes seems to never end.

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## Paula

Love the title!

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selena (03-03-19)

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## Mira

Great title indeed. And everybody here will have the same hopes for you. More peace and happyness.

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selena (03-03-19)

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## OldMike

Love that title, onwards and upwards and you'll soon be in Wonderland  :):

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selena (03-03-19)

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## Suzi

I love the title! I also hope that this next chapter is much brighter for you lovely.

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selena (03-03-19)

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## Mira

How are the days going? I hope less sorrow? Are you ok?

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## selena

Yes, indeed, less. And I've taken a little holiday...until March 18.

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OldMike (07-03-19)

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## Paula

:(party):  what are your plans?

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## Jaquaia

I hope you've planned something lovely, even if it's just rest

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## Suzi

Hoorah!!!

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## selena

I will take some rest for sure. 

But I will be anyway busy, should finish some things and have to translate a syllabus.

Otherwise, I'm going to switch off my phone for this period.

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## Suzi

Translating a syllabus sounds hard! Is that for work?

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## selena

Unfortunately yes, but I've taken only a part of it - 27 pages.

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## Suzi

But if it's work why are you planning on doing it whilst you are on holiday?

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## selena

I wanted to refuse, but the customer asked me a lot. So hard situation to decide...
But I will take the pages slowly per day so that I manage to present it within deadlines.

I do really hope for a holiday abroad in June where I will be totally outside my zone...

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## Suzi

Don't spend all your time working please! Maybe plan some day trips near you to places you wouldn't normally go... What about a trip to the theatre or a museum or something?

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## selena

I think it will be possible.

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## Suzi

Make it possible lovely! You can choose what you spend your days doing during the holidays. Go out, go and sit in a coffee shop and watch the people, or read a book or write a book.... The world is your oyster! You can go out there and do anything you want!

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selena (08-03-19)

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## Mira

Yeah there are lots of great things to do that dont take all your time. You deserve you time.

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selena (08-03-19),Suzi (08-03-19)

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## selena

I've come across tv show "My Mad Fat Diary" on E4. Although it is basically for teenagers, but after I watched first series, I actually liked it; probably because it also shows the side of low self-esteem and mental health struggles.

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## Jaquaia

That's a brilliant series!!!!! Awesome soundtrack too. It's based on a true story, the real Rae Earl wrote a book about her mental health struggles in the late 80s and it's based on that.

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selena (09-03-19)

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## Suzi

Fab!!!

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selena (09-03-19)

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## selena

Yes indeed. I've accidentally bumped into it, and decided to watch it for unknown reason. Many things are familiar and really worth watching.

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## Suzi

Good!  :):

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## selena

I read sometimes members' posts here, just feeling too frustrated and anxious to speak.

It is understandable from one side as I have a lot of work and not much spare time, also still not getting access to free counselling.

Yes, I'm really over tired, but I'm mainly concerned because of my mother's condition, she feels pains in lymph nodes and with cancer, everybody knows where the things can turn...

I haven't received much relax yet, just slept more than usually on holiday.

This constant fear slows me down.

I've been planning a holiday in June, but not sure what can happen in meantime.
There are no exotic vacation offers (promised previously), unclear situation with my dad (not sure of willing to see them) and if I come to UK, it will probably be just a city break.

I mean I will not be able to see someone of you.

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## Paula

Is it worth thinking about paying for counselling?

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## selena

I think I will wait a little and then maybe will pay for some sessions myself.

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## Paula

Why wait? Unless youre expecting things to move immediately with the free counselling, waiting is only harming you ....

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## Mira

Yes, I agree. Why wait? Its already a shame your vacation is not relaxing. You might go to the UK later? I want to go there too this year if its possible.

Its a shame you feel frustrated and anxious to speak. I am sure I am not the only one here who likes to read what you post and talk.

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## selena

Thank you, Mira and Paula. 

Where are you from, Mira?

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## Mira

I am from the Netherlands. So are my siblings and mum. The rest all live in Germany.

Where are you from?

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## selena

Romania and Moldova, citizen of both, currently in Moldova with my mom.

I lived in Latvia too and even planned to remain for some time (my dad is from Latvia), but our family relation is very poor and difficut.

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## Mira

That is such a shame. Even more so when those are the first people to turn to. I had a difficult time with my stepdad.

Those are some amazing countries. I love history and there is a lot there. The languages sounds awesome too. Always wanted to explore more of that part of europe.

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## Suzi

I can't agree strongly enough with the others. I think you should not wait for counselling when you need it now lovely....

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## selena

I'm also feeling so guilty just because I cannot cope with my inability to stand up to depression, feeling so weird cause I'm not like normal average person.

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## Paula

Cant cope? Youve gone through serious illness with your mother, suffered a bereavement, kept your home environment going despite being a carer for your mum, dealt with a horrible boss and continue to successfully hold down your job.all that while battling depression? No, youre not a normal average person - youre super human!

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## Suzi

I completely agree with Paula! You're amazing!

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## Flo

> I'm also feeling so guilty just because I cannot cope with my inability to stand up to depression, feeling so weird cause I'm not like normal average person.


I'll be interested to know what you think a 'normal average person' is, because I haven't come across one yet! You're doing ok, so give yourself a pat on the back and a gold star!!

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OldMike (24-03-19),Suzi (23-03-19)

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## selena

You are right and thank you for support!

I mean in my country depressed and anxious people are still perceived as weak....
Some of the people I know noticed something, but I abstained from explanations as it's hard to describe my feelings to them.

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## Suzi

Selena, you are definitely not weak! You are a very, very strong lady.

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selena (24-03-19)

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## OldMike

Agreed Selena you're very strong lady coping with depression on a day to day basis requires a great inner strength which goes unseen.

You should be proud with how you cope with life.  :Panda:

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selena (24-03-19)

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## selena

I think I survived in great part due to your support too. Because there were many hard moments filled with sorrow.

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Suzi (24-03-19)

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## Mira

True, but try not to downplay your own strenght. If that would not be present then the support alone would not be enough. You are strong and the support makes you even stronger.

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Flo (25-03-19),Suzi (24-03-19)

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## Mira

How are you doing?

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## selena

Thanks, slowly, but it's good that the last week high anxiety slowed down a little.

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## Mira

That is good. And are you doing nice things for yourself to relax a little?

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## selena

Not too much, but I have been today to a nice cosy cafee and had some good time.

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## Mira

Thats nice. Its so important to do things like that. Even more so for people that have depression or mental health issues.

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## selena

I want your opinion on something. 

You know, I always appreciate your opinions on no matter what...

Should I feel guilty because I'm unwilling to visit a certain place or someone I share blood ties with?

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## Mira

Do you mean my opinion or from the others?

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## selena

Yours too.

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## Paula

> I want your opinion on something. 
> 
> You know, I always appreciate your opinions on no matter what...
> 
> Should I feel guilty because I'm unwilling to visit a certain place or someone I share blood ties with?


Not in the slightest, particularly when that person has not been willing to compromise

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## Mira

Sorry. Double post. Its all in the other one.

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## Mira

Well from reading your posts in the past I see that we both have depression and low self esteem. This sadly males it easier to feel guilty about situations and questions people ask.

But i dont think you should feel guilty at all about those two things. Whatever reasons you may have they are reasons. And they are true to you. I dont think it would be good doing things out of guilt. That will only make things worse. 

People like us need to look out for ourselfs a bit more. And there is defenitly no guilt in that.

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Paula (26-03-19),selena (26-03-19)

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## Suzi

Definitely not feel guilty... We've had similar conversations in my house about Marc's Dad and that none of my children want to see him. He doesn't bother with them and is an alcoholic so why should they have to have contact if they aren't going to get anything positive from him? If they change their minds we will always make it happen, but sometimes the kindest thing for you is to not see them and to focus more on your own self care.

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OldMike (30-03-19)

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## Mira

How are you feeling? Did the advice people gave here help a little?

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## selena

Of course, it helped a lot (as usually!)!

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## Suzi

How are you lovely?

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## selena

Definitely better, because had a quiter week and a nice week-end with more rest and no extra translations to be done.

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OldMike (30-03-19),Paula (30-03-19),Suzi (30-03-19)

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## Suzi

Good, I'm glad!

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## Mira

How are you doing?

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## selena

I'm fine, thanks, or let's say, I'm coping now.

My mother instead has had fever today. Tomorrow she will have an appointment with her doctor at hospital and will pass ultra sound exam.
Still hope nothing serious occurred, 6 months nearly passed since her last surgery.

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## Mira

Thats good to hear, coping is sometimes the best we can do. 

I do hope that things for your mum will be good. I know how it feels to worry about a parent feeling unwell.

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selena (02-04-19)

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## Suzi

:(bear):  I hope your Mum is OK lovely....

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selena (02-04-19)

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## selena

I'm very sad about the last news we've got.

When I returned home, I read the medical conclusion (ultra sound scan). It states: "Multiple liver Mts.". 
It means this nightmare came back anyway. Although it's logically understandable, as it's continuation of her disease,  but it still hurts a lot. I talked to her doctor over phone and he suggested that maybe she can consider chemo therapy.
When he saw her, he mentioned she does not look bad for her condition anyway. But he suggested to take prescription for painkillers, because they might be needed sooner or later.
However, she is in a very good mood and happy, although rejects chemo (as she considers she will slow down fast after this, maybe she is right, as there are people who had harsh side effects and died soon after it). She believes in God and church.

I'm feeling very discouraged, maybe I should consider in a short time working free lance.

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## Paula

Oh sweetheart, Im so sorry  :Panda: 

What impact does the doctor think chemo will have? Is he hoping it will get rid of the mets or just slow down their progress?

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## selena

He said all cancer patients are recommended chemo. But, of course, her case is very particular.

She is against, she said she had gone so far through too much pain and it will kill her fast.

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## Mira

I can only imagine how it must hit hard this kind of news. Is there enough support for your mum and for you?

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## selena

Well, here there are no specific programs. However, there is one hospice for last stage cancer patients, financed by foreign organization. But I have hoped not to get on this stage soon.

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## Jaquaia

:Panda:

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## Suzi

I'm sorry lovely. If she won't consider chemo what is she prepared to do? 
I am concerned that she will only believe in God and the church, reject all scientific help and that she will start saying horrible and unkind things to you again. You don't deserve that...

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Flo (04-04-19),selena (04-04-19)

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## Flo

I hope your mum makes the decision to have more treatment if it's offered. She has nothing to lose. But you make sure to look after yourself too. You're such a supportive daughter and she's so lucky to have you.  :Panda:

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selena (04-04-19)

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## Suzi

> I But you make sure to look after yourself too. You're such a supportive daughter and she's so lucky to have you.


I can't agree with this strongly enough.

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## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

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selena (04-04-19)

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## selena

Thank you everybody for support. 

She talked to the oncologist, he is reserved for chemo treatment in her case, as she had three surgeries and her organs underwent resection. 

This conclusion of "Multiple Mts" really stands in my mind. Now I think about whether to consider home work for my office. My mind is really troubled now.

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## Suzi

What exactly did the oncologist say? Are there any treatment options or is he saying palliative care only?

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## selena

He did not specify anything concretely, maybe because he is of older generation and we have a few specialists of this profile.

Her surgeon thinks instead she should and can require chemo treatment in connection with Mts.

She found out about possible side effects and does not want any pain because she had already undergone three surgeries and knows that chemo might slow down her health fast.

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## Suzi

But chemo could give her a longer life too? 
Obviously she can only be guided by her medical team as to what is the right path for her... Please though, take care of you.

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## selena

Yesterday she had fever, a high temperature, in fact 39.2 C. She took medications and antibiotics prescribed by her doctor. Her condition got better. But tomorrow she wants to go to church and doesn't want to get some more rest home.

She doesn't want to obey and have some rest.

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## Suzi

Thing is, she is an adult and she has to make her own choices. It's hard, but you can't lock her in...

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## selena

Yes, that is true, although hard.

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## Suzi

It IS really hard. I wish there was an easy answer for you....

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## Paula

What did she decide to do?

Sometimes, though, we need to do the things our doctors would like us not to do- the mental encouragement we get from things like going to church and seeing friends can make us feel a lot better than lying in bed can do

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## selena

She thinks if there is not much choice left, Church is her healing anyway.

Well, we have gone to church today together.

I have panic attacks in crowded places (currently the local churches are rather crowded because of Lent period). So I remained closer to the exit, so that I can breathe in some fresh air, but she stayed in a rather crowded place. Although we had some misunderstandings these days, she felt better today.

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## Suzi

Make sure you look after you too please lovely

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## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

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## Mira

These do sound like troubling times. The best thing to do is support your mum as best you can. And I think you are doing that already. One of the best ways to do that though is look after yourself as well.

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## Mira

How are things going for you?

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## selena

I'm not in the best mood now. I have to pretend that everything is ok before others.

My boss has again her crisis. But my mom feels better.

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## Jaquaia

You don't have to pretend here

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## Mira

Good that your mom is feeling better. And Jaquaia is so right. Here you can be yourself. Good mood, thats great. Glad you are ok. Not a good mood, talk about it here  :Panda:

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## Suzi

What's up with your boss?

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## selena

Like usually, she sucks out everything from the people around.

She calmed down.

I have a question. If my mom is ill, do you think she is right trying not to let me go somewhere?

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## Mira

Hi Selena, I do not know the whole situation. If its going for a night out or going some days?

But I think you do your best to care for your mother. And even with all the care someone can give its important to have moments for yourself. To recharge and give yourself a breather.

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## Suzi

I have to agree with Mira. If you feel that you need a break and she's well enough then there's no reason for you not to go. 
Are you planning on going away for a week or a weekend?

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## OldMike

> ... I have a question. If my mom is ill, do you think she is right trying not to let me go somewhere?


A very difficult question Selena, I can see no reason why you can't have a few days away if your mum seems to be settled, it's your decision in the end.  :Panda:

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## Paula

Your mum is ill, we all know that and you are her carer - but every carer has the right to have a break, and actually its super important that they have those breaks. Continuous caring with no respite takes its toll and, tbh, will eventually mean the carer cant continue to carry out that care.

Hunni, you need to ask for help, maybe from the congregation at the church?. The lack of support you have is going to break you

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OldMike (13-04-19),Suzi (13-04-19)

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## Mira

Hi, how are things going for you at the moment?

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## selena

My Mom calmed down and there are not so many disagreements between us.

This week has been tough for me, because I've been feeling very tired and a little bit ill, maybe due to weather, my blood pressure got around 147/87.

I did a translation in the last holiday I had. A colleague told me that I need a vacation without any work, that all illnesses came back and appear due to this.

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## Jaquaia

Your colleague is right. You need time to just rest

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## Mira

Yes I think so too. A little time for yourself where you do something you want to do. But be away from work for a while and just focus on yourself. You more then deserve it Selena.

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## Suzi

Your colleague is completely spot on. You need to rest and be away from all work.

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## Paula

I agree too, when have you had time just for you?

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## selena

In June, the beginning of June, hope everything will be all right by then

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## Mira

Ok thats not to long from now. But please remember to do something just for you. And try not to work then  :):

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## Suzi

Are you working at weekends and in the evenings too?

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## selena

This weekend not, but it happens sometimes.

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## Suzi

When was the last time you had a proper break where you weren't working too?

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## selena

Last November, I had a week vacation, but it was after my mom's return from hospital and grandmother's death.

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## Paula

Which wasnt a break, lovely. Do you think that, if you actually book a holiday now for June, youd actually go? Because my concern about hoping things will be ok in June, by the time you get to June something will come up that will stop you going

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## Mira

I agree with Paula. You need to look out for the most inportant person in the world to you. Yourself. Being kind to yourself. Having a vacation and relax. So you are recharged to care for others.

You do deserve it.

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## selena

Today I've been to church with my mom. It's Palm Sunday in the Eastern Orthodox Church. 

I've had a break, but still feeling rather low, with vertigo, headaches and numbness. 

And thanks, I agree that I should finally have a normal holiday.

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## Suzi

Have you seen the Dr about how you are feeling?

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## selena

Not yet.

I had some problems around 2 months ago, the tests did not show anything suspect, but blood pressure and vertigo still remains a harsh issue...

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## Suzi

Then sweetheart you HAVE to go and get checked out...

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## Paula

^^^wss blood pressure is not something you can ignore (and can cause vertigo)

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## OldMike

Yep Selena high blood pressure and for that matter low blood pressure needs checking out by your doctor  :Panda:

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## Mira

Ofcourse I agree with the others on this.

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## selena

I'm feeling better, will try to put down more details tomorrow. 

Thank you everybody for support.

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Paula (25-04-19)

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## Suzi

Did you go and see your Dr?

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## Mira

Great to hear you are feeling better  :(bear):

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## selena

Today the Eastern Orthodox Church celebrates Easter, tomorrow we will have a bank holiday too, and later May 1.

Yesterday I stayed at the office up to 5 pm as it's my time to be the service manager. Nearly no people, just translated and then went shopping. 

The syllabus I translated in March was appreciated by the customer, she had given it to the native speaker for checkn and he approved.

I'm feeling often on the edge, probably my inner struggle, family circumstances and pressure at work (being the only sworn translator) had had a major impact so far.

Now it's a holiday period, but of course I'm expected to see my doctor again.

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## Paula

Happy Easter, love

Expected why?

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selena (28-04-19)

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## selena

I want to make the things clear with blood pressure, although I'm fine now.

But it's a holiday period up to May 9 (private health centers have a normal work schedule).

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## Suzi

You really should get things checked over with your blood pressure. 

Happy Easter...

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selena (28-04-19)

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## selena

I'm overwhelmed by a lot of mixed feelings. Now my  private plans depend on my mom's condition, because I know that she will omit some things etc in case she feels worse.
On a good note, she is not against the idea of my holiday or city break somewhere in Europe. However, I haven't even booked my flight so far, everything was postponed nearly up to the end because of her fragile condition.

I hope she will be ok and then I can finally head to London for a city break.
Sometimes I'm just generally feeling lost and willing to stay close indoors as I'm far from ideal etc. Also there is a risk of small panic attacks.

But I've always enjoyed the idea of travelling and being naturally curious about seeing new places.

The idea of megapolis scares me to a certain extent. But I'm mostly scared about some technologies. When I was abroad several years ago, I got used to it. Back home, everything became the same: cash instead of contactless, old transport paying system. Because only 20 % use it. No problem for me, just not my ordinary way of life, so afraid of getting lost into the world of technologies and innovations.

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## Suzi

Everyone is so helpful though if you needed help. People are used to being stopped and asked directions or help all the time!

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selena (29-04-19)

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## Paula

Is there someone who could look after your mum when you go away?

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## Mira

I know the feeling Selena, I love exploring but don't always like to leave my own surroundings. But one thing I have learned on my travels to the UK is that everybody is always helpful and friendly. Even to a point that I don't mind asking for directions or help. And thats something I do not even do around here.

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Paula (29-04-19),selena (29-04-19)

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## selena

Yes, Paula, I could personally ask one of our neigbours.  I mean 3-4 days it will probably be fine.

Thanks, Mira, you are right, because our experctations and reality is rather different.

I'm feeling maybe depressed and a little bit trapped, because too many events happened since last year.

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## Paula

Yes, hunni, youve had a lot to deal with, and have a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. But youre only trapped if you do nothing to free yourself.  A few days away could be the stepping stone to a more exciting and joyful life

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## Strugglingmum

You've had such a hard year. I really hope you take courage and book your flights. You deserve a break and something exciting just for you. Xx

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## selena

Me too, thanks, even for a city break.

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## Mira

Have you looked into it? A city break can be enough to recharge the battery.

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selena (01-05-19)

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## selena

Yes.

By the way, I liked your way of saying it "recharge the battery".

And my mother will not remain alone for much time, just a few days.

Although, I'm a little bit anxious definitely. Not too bad at planning, but still there are many new things to discover.

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## Suzi

Have you looked at things like tripadvisor? Travel agents? Trivago etc?

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## selena

Yes, I did. It was helpful too.

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## Paula

So. Have you made a decision yet?

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## selena

I can say yes, just should fix some organizational moments.

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## Paula

Good  :):

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## Suzi

Well done!

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## Flo

A little holiday will do you the world of good. You might even make new friends. Looking forward to knowing where you're going!

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## selena

Well, not sure about making new friends...But it's a good opportunity and a big challenge to me taking into consideration panic attacks and my anxiety.

But I've always liked the idea of travelling.

It will be a citybreak...and London.

Then some time spent in Transylvania. 

I will be happy to see new places viewed from a different angle, with my eyes...and if possible to meet someone from DWD.

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## Suzi

Sounds like a great plan!

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## Mira

Great that you are going. i am sure there is so much to see and experience there. Around what time will you be going? If I may ask?

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## selena

I will book next week. 

The beginning of June, around June 4-June 8, I'll write exactly the next week.

I only hope no Force Majeure's , especially my mom's situation.

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## Suzi

How is your Mum?

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## selena

She is now stable for her condition, no fever and no serious pains.

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## Paula

Thats good to hear  :):

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## selena

I have found a nice place to stay near Hyde Park. It should be fine, as it is a recommendation of someone who stayed there.

Wizzair Company also seems to be nice, as I was explained many options of changing days and flights in case of my personal circumstances

I'm also anxious because of my mom's anxiety. She is fine about the idea of me visiting any European state. But she started to have nightmares - something with her and me. I know that's stupid and I cannot define myself as superstitious, but this really gets on my nerves.

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## Suzi

Sounds lovely! 
Is she really having nightmares or is she trying to make you not go?

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selena (09-05-19)

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## Mira

My mother told me a while back that she had dreams about stuff happening to me. Not good things either. I think its more about the worries your and my mum have then them being premenisions or anything like that. So i see it as our mums loving us.

I think you are going to a great place and I know you will enjoy it.

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selena (09-05-19)

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## selena

She had a nightmare. I don't think she is against my European city break.

Maybe this is due to her anxiety like Mira said.

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## selena

I'm petrified of the public transit image. How do you board the bus? What about the metro? 


And this little "monster"....Oyster card

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## Suzi

This will help explain the Oyster card: https://visitorshop.tfl.gov.uk/tfl/l...r-oyster-card/

The tubes seem scary, but honestly there are always staff around who are always willing to help! 
Your main journey will be from the airport to your hotel. Apart from that you are staying in a lovely and central location so please try not to worry!

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selena (11-05-19)

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## Mira

It is awesome that you are going. And keep posting questions here. Like Suzi there are many that can help you with your questions. And whenever I am in the UK everybody is so so helpful.

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selena (11-05-19)

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## selena

Thank you, Suzi, for link. It is helpful indeed.

If I've got it right, I can order it now and receive before my arrival to London. 5 pounds is to be returned as it is like a deposit and it I'll get it already charged.

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## Suzi

Yup that's right!  :):

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## Mira

You see. You will have a great time and things will be clear long before you go to the UK.

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## selena

Yes.

The Oyster card unfortunately cannot be delivered to my country.

But I found a great information about the payment for transfer from Luton to London and return.

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## Suzi

You can buy one when you get here...

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## selena

Hi to everybody, hoping that anyone enjoys a great holiday.

I have finally booked the main things: flight and hotel. I've certainly thought about a trip to London, but not exactly the way I have done. Everything done in the last moment due to some private circumstances. Now I'm a bit frustrated because it seems to me everything has not been planned well enough, although the other circumstances really stopped it. 

I'm also feeling frustrated because in the end I decided to visit London and not to visit my dad. The last visit was rather negative and I just did want to keep my nerves strong this time. I don't know if I should feel guilty.

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## Suzi

No, you shouldn't feel guilty! Have some fun!

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## Paula

Not in the slightest!

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## Strugglingmum

Relax, enjoy your visit and have fun.x

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## Mira

This is what you wanted. You talked about it a lot. And I dont think your father has anything to fo with it. Its a shame yes. But its you time and you are spending it in London.

I am constantly thinking of reasons why I should not go to cambridge. Why I dont deserve it or what I am doing wrong. But its my mind trying to trick me to stay sad and alone. You deserve this trip.

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## selena

Thank you for support everybody. This means a lot to me.
Even my spiritual confessor encouraged my decision.

We have been today to church with my Mom. However, there is sometimes a false unpleasant woman there.
Firstly, she asked my mom my name so that she will pray for me and she is still to discuss me!!!

If she approaches ever my private area, I'll just tell her to leave me in peace.

On our way home, she approached, being behind. There was a young woman in a short (but normally short) skirt. I told my mom that this is what I would like. But this woman from church suddenly interfered and told that wearing shorter skirts is that for those without any belly and until a X age! So if I want to wear it, it means it's incompatible.
I don't see anything wrong, there is nothing vulgar about this piece...Maybe I'm wrong. Is there a certain code in London?

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## Paula

No! In London, anyone can be themselves! Wear whatever makes you feel good about yourself  :):

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selena (19-05-19)

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## OldMike

Wear whatever you feel like Selena, you'll look beautiful no matter what you wear.

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selena (19-05-19)

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## Suzi

In London you can be you. There are so many different people from different backgrounds and who wear different things - the burka through to just underpants! Wear what you want, be who you want to be!

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selena (19-05-19)

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## Mira

Are you feeling a bit better about things now? This trip is something to look forward to. And the big advantage of going to a big city like London is that there is a place for everybody and every flavour. So no matter how you go you will fit in  :(y):

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## selena

It is a little bit easier although I'm still trying to build up a kind of scheme or a map in my mind.

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## Suzi

There are maps and friendly people to ask all over the place!

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## Paula

Just list what you want to see/do and go from there  :):

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## magie06

Just a suggestion, have you considered going on one of the London tour bus trips. They tour the tourist sites and it may help you to get your bearings. You can get a few different types of tickets, and can get on and off as you please.

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selena (22-05-19)

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## selena

Thank you for suggestions and I've already started to draw up my list.

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## Suzi

Hooray! What things are on your list?

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## selena

Westminister Abbey, Tower, Hyde Park, Little Venice...Buckingam Palace.
Maybe some other churches and bookstores.

In fact, a plenty of places but a short time.

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## Mira

Well at least London is known for those places so getting there will be easy. And having plenty places on your list will keep you going and thats great too. I know you will have a great time.

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## magie06

Have you your tickets booked? Hotel room?

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## Suzi

Lots of those are walkable to  :O:

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## selena

Yes, magie, everything already booked and I'm delighted of course.

Everything was done in the last minute and I'm really thrilled.

I was searching for a hotel with a private room and bathroom (or shower). Regardless how small it can be. An ex-colleague also recommended something.
I cannot imagine myself in a hostel ...But there are some not so nice reviews, although I'll bring my towels and private staff and all this just for a few days.

Mira, thanks for being so sure. Do you also live in megapolis area?

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## selena

There is some good and not so good news either.

So negative first...
As you know, I have a rather stressful job with a lot of duties and translations.

My mother today has been very anxious and nervous, blaming me for some minor things. It seems to me she even lost some weight. Then she told me she will anyway die soon and everybody will be happy. She has refused to receive professional psychological assistance. I understand her condition, but blaming me for not telling her some minor details. Sometimes I cannot even recognize the woman she had been once. 

She is very obtsinate and it is really hard to cope with her current condition. I don't know how talking to her in these moments, I confessed this even to her.
Maybe I am really not so exactly good and caring daughter. And she raised me by herself and was the one and only who insured my financial support. But I'm struggling myself with hard suicidal thoughts, I don't know how to behave so that she understands.

I bought today two nice skirts, for me and for her. She told me the one does not suit me (meant for her) and this is not for her (although it suits her) due to age, and that I should have bought to her something different.

Maybe she is afraid of losing me. She told me this evening that what if I find a man to start my life with and this man will hate her because I will spend my money to feed her and insure appropriate assistance. I told her she is my Mom and no man can dictate to me how I should spend my money, especially the money spent on my mom, cat etc.

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## selena

Yes, she is definitely my mentor, I love her and I'm really grateful to her for many things. 

I cannot believe myself the reality I'm living in...I pray that she lives more and that there is a miracle from God. Sometimes I really have episodes of coughing & suffocating. I guess all this comes from inner anxiety.

At the end of the day, she recognized that it is difficult for her to accept this reality too.

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## Suzi

Is she getting worse as your holiday gets closer? 

Sweetheart if you are having "hard suicidal thoughts" then are you speaking to a counsellor or doctor? If not, why not?

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selena (26-05-19)

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## Paula

Is your mum seeing her doctor regularly? Have they given her any prognosis? It sounds to me she is afraid and tbh Im not surprised - I would be too given how ill shes been and is. But that doesnt give her the right to take it out on you.  And you are wrong. You are a very good and caring daughter and youve given up so much to look after her.

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selena (26-05-19)

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## Mira

Its easy to be sure Selena. Because I know for a fact you are going to love the trip. I dont know what you mean by megapolis area. But I live in a small village in the south west of the Netherlands.

It seems to me these are uncertain times for your mother. And like Paula said it seems she is afraid. I would be too. But is she being fair towards you? Or is she lashing out at times?

From what I have read you are trying your best all the time. Even while you yourself are not feeling that well. So please dont doubt how you are doing as a daughter. You can be proud of how you are dealing with all of this.

And the relationship part. I can not speak for all men but I believe that when you find mister right there is no worry about taking anything away from your mother. When I look at my mum who means the world to me. Nobody can change that. So when you meet him your mother will have another person that cares about her. 

Please take care of yourself too. If you are feeling that way then caring for yourself is even more important.

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Paula (26-05-19),selena (26-05-19)

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## selena

Yes, she is a bit worse (more emotionally, but it can have mmediate physical impact). 

I'm coping less with these thoughts....and mental care here is really poor, I will probably have to think about an appointment with a private specialist. 

There is some simple treatment prescribed. But no real oncology specialists here, I mean not trained enough for prescribing the appropriate treatment. Although I'm a member of different groups related to this cancer patients and their family members and I'm trying to keep up to date with the most recent information. She has Mts, but generally feels fine for her condition.

She apologized to me today and told me that is probably her reaction to possible worse changes, pointing out that she is happy for me to have a holiday.

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## Suzi

I thought you were already seeing a counsellor? 
What kind of treatment do you think they aren't able to prescribe for her?

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## selena

Yes, but more sessions have a tax, so I'll either wait a little more or start private sessions.

There is only one very old specialist in this field and he told my Mom he doesn't know what to prescribe to her. If she wants some advice, we can ask abroad or whenever we want. 
Her surgeon (not chemo therapist) had done a lot for her, saved her life three times, gave some general treatment prescriptions and that's all.

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## Suzi

Sorry things are all so complicated....

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## selena

She is fine today and I hope this lasts.

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## Suzi

I hope so too!

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## Paula

One day at a time  :(bear):

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## selena

I have enjoyed today some nice time in the park. 

It was a sunny day after the rain. Finally in vacation!!!

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## selena

My only concern is my mother. She is more or less fine now and my journey will be short.

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## Suzi

Hooray for holiday!

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## Mira

I know your mother is on your mind a lot. But its almost time for your visit to London. When you are there and your mum is ok then make it all about you. Because thats what its about. Try not to stress about having to see a lot of places or doing everything.

Just breath in the air. Enjoy the days and have fun  :):

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selena (02-06-19)

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## Paula

> My only concern is my mother. She is more or less fine now and my journey will be short.


Shell be fine, hunni, and youre only a short plane hop away if you need to get home (which you wont).  Have fun!

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selena (02-06-19)

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## Mira

How is everything going for your trip? And when are you leaving? So exited  :):

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## selena

It remains a day and a half or something around.
I managed to terminate all my translations on Sunday. So I'm finally free! I have been in my local park too.
https://www.instagram.com/anastasia.iacovleva/

But of course there are still a plenty of things to do, to properly pack and not to forget something I might need.
I'm trying to play in my mind the map of my route again and again.

My mom had some fever yesterday. Today she is fine. And I prohibited her to do some extra activities now that I'm home, cause I don't want any problems before my departure.

My flight is on 6th.

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OldMike (04-06-19)

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## Mira

So thats not to far away anymore. Its so good to see you go on a vacation just for you. You derserve it.

That park looks awesome. Wish we had a park like that around here.

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selena (04-06-19)

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## Paula

Im so excited for you  :):

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selena (04-06-19)

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## selena

Thank you everybody for your support.

I'm a bit anxious, but willing to discover a new city too.

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## Mira

And willing to discover a new city wil get stronger and stronger. It will happen on the plane and then the fun begins  :):

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## Suzi

You're going to have a great time!

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## selena

Hi, just wanted to write I'm fine and my trip to London was more than a success, a lot of positive impressions in fac

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## Jaquaia

Seen some of your photos. So glad you've had a wonderful time!

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selena (09-06-19)

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## OldMike

Saw your pics on Facebook, I'm glad you had a great time.

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selena (09-06-19)

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## Paula

Hi Hunni, your photos look great! Glad you had fun  :):

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selena (09-06-19)

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## Suzi

Your photos are amazing!

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selena (09-06-19)

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## Mira

I am not on facebook. But I am so curious how your trip was. Your thread is called on your way to wonderland. Was it wonderland?

Want to share with us how it was?

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selena (11-06-19)

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## selena

Mira, it was a safe and successful trip. Actually more amazing experience than I expected it to be in such a short period. 

Sure, I'm going to put down here my impressions in a more concise way, a kind of report. 

For pics, I posted some on my instagram link too (above).

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## Mira

That does sound lovely Selena. And it gives me a smile. In all honousty I do not know anybody who deserved this more.

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selena (11-06-19)

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## Mira

Just saw the pictures. Lovely typical English weather  :): 

But awesome. And I remember you talking about clothing before your trip. But from those pictures I can, say you dressed great.

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selena (11-06-19)

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## selena

My Impressions on London Visit

Arrival.
So I’ve got in time to the airport and was perfectly on time to my flight. The only inconvenience was passing through a zone of turbulence, because I got a bad headache until the end of that day. Otherwise, it was nice to see the images from the plane height of crossing the ocean and getting to the island. 
The plane took off a bit late. It was not too difficult to pass through the Luton Airport. I headed to the bus station, but there was a little bit messy there – many people expecting to take the bus. But it was anyway quickly sorted out and I got on the bus and got off at the Marble Arch (as I remembered being the closest to my hotel). 
It was a perfectly nice sunny day (although colder than in my location). I got to the station and bought the oyster card, having been accurately explained everything. I asked for directions as no Wi Fi nearby to have access to google maps, people told me that I have to walk a lot. But I enjoyed this experience. I finally reached St.Mary’s Hospital in Paddington area and then my hotel. Sincerely, the hotel’s room proved to be better in comparison with the reviews I had read prior to my visit. For me, it was very important to have my private space, I could not have imagined being in a shared room, even with a shared bathroom, it would have been really hard for me.
A dwd member from London came in the evening to meet me and having prepared an adapter for my phone, it was unexpected but nice. It was a very nice and emotional meeting. I had scheduled some activities for that day, but unfortunately my head was exploding and I had to take some painkillers. More remarks: the salads from Tesco are healthier than those in my country’s big food stores and strawberries especially delicious. 
I was so excited and happy that barely closed an eye that night. The only minus was the tube sounds even at night, but I adjusted to it. 
The Day Two.
I got up rather early, still adjusted to my local time. It was colder and started to rain. I had just one full day before me so I knew that I should get to as many places as I could. Firstly, I headed to the Tower Bridge on the bus and managed to took some photos. I got back on the bus and took a cup of coffee, then headed again to the center – this time into the direction of Hyde Park Corner. In this way, reached Buckingham Palace. There had been enough tourists in spite of the rain. I had some nice time around, having walked a little in the park. I asked for Westminster Abbey direction to a local girl, she walked with me nearly up to the location. She asked me where I am from and my visit details, being very nice. Even more tourists gathered at the Westminster Abbey, it was a long queue, and I managed only to have a look from the outside. On my way back, I wanted to visit Westminster Cathedral too, but bumped only into tourists who confused the Abbey and the Cathedral. Then I noticed from my bus’s window the Cathedral and got off. They allow to take pictures. A nice French woman took some photos of mine. 
In the evening, I and Rose went to an Italian restaurant not far from my place, her invitation knowing my preference for Italian food. My feet hurt because I have flat feet and should have won both flat shoes and high heels, but no way to combine them. 
Each London coin seems to be a piece of  History, needed to be separately explored, but for this time was not possible to explore all scheduled places, as A Little Venice which was definitely on my list, without mentioning the museums etc. So that was a big minus of planning nearly in the last minute, not enough time.
The last day
The next day I headed to Victoria Coach Station to get in time to the airport.
A local old man explained me the direction, he had an interesting accent, “bus” being pronounced just like it’s written “bus”.

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OldMike (14-06-19)

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## selena

It was Saturday and only later I found out that it was the Queen’s birthday that very day, I noticed Royal Guards on horses from a small window. On the way to the airport, a man got off having realized that he had forgotten his passport at home…
General Remarks
-	I really liked the UK weather!!! In my place the Sun burns my skin at once (even my mom noticed I returned paler) and in Latvia it’s too cold. 
-	The tube – some Londoners suggested it, but I hesitated. Well, going sightseeing is better from the bus anyway. Maybe I will find courage the next time.
-	The architecture and city buildings are really original, a combination of modernism and old style. 
-	The ambiance is free and warm. People are free, it is a melting pot and at the same time sharing similar values. Rather interesting interactions otherwise. The society I think is free of many prejudices and less conservative (generalizing maybe, but in comparison with my country and Latvia).
-	I felt as a human being and a woman at the same time. The men have more respect towards the women than in my country, not crossing the personal space, less harassment I guess. I felt free me being me and not psychologically trapped.

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OldMike (14-06-19)

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## Suzi

That's so positive! So glad you loved London as much as I do!

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selena (14-06-19)

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## Paula

> I felt free me being me


I LOVE that you felt that way!

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selena (14-06-19)

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## selena

At the end of my holiday, having analyzed all the aspects of my visit and maybe some of cultural differences, I must admit (although I hate it) that the society I'm living in is still guided by certain stigmas and prejudices. 
There are different barriers even on the religious level (although people are not mostly very practicing). For example, living in a partnership without official marriage stamp gives the priest the right to refuse giving Eucharist to that person.

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## Suzi

I think you get things like that all over though. I know some who weren't even allowed in their church because they got married in a registry office.... They were even denied a blessing....

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## Mira

I was born in holland, but since both parents were German I had the German nationality (till I was 11 then became Dutch). In my childhood I was bullied pretty intense about a few things. But mostly for being German. I was called a nazi when I was 4 and people painted swastikas on our shed etc.

This shaped a great deal on how I became me. I feel German and in a lot of ways I resent dutch people. They are known all over the world for there open minded attitute towards others. But thats not true. 

So in my own world everything about Germany was great and the dutch way was bad while growing up. 

But after going to Germany more and more. I noticed they have there own issues and problems. So sadly every place and country has its strong points and weaker ones. 

I remember my ex told me that in Birmingham she loved how everybody interacted with everyone. All flavours of society. But I read papers where they said certain etnicities were struggling because there were not enough of people in there own group to make sure they could all marry within the group.

Sadly every country has its problems. Thats why its good to try and be better. Every time and everywhere. 

I hope this is written ok. Feels like I lost my thoughts a few times haha.

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Paula (15-06-19)

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## Suzi

OMG Mira, that's horrible! How could anyone accuse you - one of the most gentle, kind and loving people I've ever met of being something so vile as a nazi???? 

I think you're right though, every place has it's positives and it's negatives...

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## selena

Yes, Mira, that's kind of bullying is the worst ever. I would have never imagined this to happen in Netherlands. I read about bullying people of different than European races.

As for the UK, actually when people heard I'm from Romania (dual citizenship, although more exactly Moldova, many years ago we were one state), they cannot believe it. They took it as a fact, but someone said not by my looks. 

It's good that you identify yourself with a German. Actually, I'm of very different background (although mostly Romanian anyway), so I can sincerely reply that I'm an European as a general concept.

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## Paula

Hi Hunni, how are you doing?

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## selena

I'm more or less fine. A lot of work, but again my boss behaving like a pig, this gets on my nerves.

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## Paula

:Panda:

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## Suzi

I thought you were going self employed and not working for her anymore...

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## Mira

You work as a translator? I am sorry I have missed it if you told us already. But I would like to know.

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## selena

Yes, Mira, that's long and a little bit difficult story.

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## Jaquaia

You've been quiet lovely. Are you ok?

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## selena

Thank you for asking. I've been watching some threads, but these 2 weeks after holiday had been rather tough.

My boss was a little bit harsh, but this time at least stopped and did not create a mess.

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## Suzi

Why have they been tough? In what way was your boss harsh?

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## Jaquaia

You can always talk here

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## selena

Working extra hours without being paid for these hours. I refused, she shouted like usually. Now she calmed down.

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## Paula

I thought you were going self employed?

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## selena

I've tried on one of my past holidays, but unfortunately it was not the same amount.

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## OldMike

Selena working for that boss must be terrible you need to get employment elsewhere or set up on your own.

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## selena

Definitely.


But you, a little miracle happened after this trip. I'm not so afraid of men as I'd been.

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## Suzi

That's great, but why were you afraid of men? 
It's been great seeing your photos on FB, but maybe you could try not looking so serious all the time? You have such beautiful eyes which sparkle when you smile!  :):

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## selena

Well, I've written about harassment from my stepdad and the other cases. 

Thank you, yes, not easy, but I'm trying.

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## Suzi

I didn't realise you were afraid of all men though.... I'm sorry.... I promise you that not all men are like those ones.

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## selena

I was afraid of physical harm (either possibility of being beaten or hurt otherwise).

Logically I realized that I'm wrong, but my inner signals stopped all logic thinking.

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## Paula

Im glad youve been able to challenge those thoughts, lovely.

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## Suzi

Well done for working through those thoughts.

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## selena

Question to everybody: what have you done (overcoming experience, conflict solution) if your mother is unwilling to accept your choice of boyfriend/friend?


My mom (although I respect her views) tries to make me closer or to like someone I'm unwilling to be with: "Message him! Phone him!"

If I like somebody, her reaction: "Your choice, personally you know what I think", "Keep in mind he won't be with you, he is searching for another girl", "Why have you chosen him"?

Not big no, but really upsetting. Maybe if I just take someone and he comes at the door like a guest, she will accept him lol. Although she will be polite for sure.

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## Suzi

I'm probably not the best person to ask. My Mum loved one of my ex's, but he wasn't great. She hated the person I was with before Marc - mostly because she wasn't a he and that was against everything my Mum believed in. Then there is Marc. My Mum hated him, she now tolerates him and we've been together for over 20 years! 
It's YOUR life lovely. You are the one who has to be happy with the person YOU choose to spend your time with....

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Paula (02-07-19),selena (02-07-19)

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## Paula

Hunni, my mum adored my first husband (and still does) and actually was responsible for us getting together but ultimately we just werent right for each other. Your mum obviously loves you and wants you to be happy but, like my mum, she knows you well but she doesnt know _everything_ about you - so its not up to her to choose your life partner.

What to do? Selena, you need to be straight with her. I know you dont want to upset her but you need to tell her that its your choice and shes hurting you by making those judgements.

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selena (03-07-19)

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## Mira

I am in no way an expert. My mum so far liked the women in my life. But that was because she wants me to be happy. I do think thats the key in all of this. I remember a sheryl crow lyric. Simply it was just.... If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. 

I know a little about how your relationship is with your mum. But maybe its possible to talk to her and tell her that this your journey but having her love and support is valuable?

In the end when you are together with the right man, you have to live with him. Your mum doesnt.

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Paula (03-07-19),selena (03-07-19),Suzi (03-07-19)

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## selena

All of you have really encouraged me. 

In the end, I guess she will accept anyone I'll decide to be with in case of serious turn. Some things simply upset me.

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## Suzi

That's understandable, but sweetheart this is YOUR life and YOUR choices to make..

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## Mira

I am wondering. How do you feel about all these things yourself? What is your gut feeling? 

When I look at you I see a smart woman. A woman that likes to think about things. A woman that is in no way selfish and cares about people. About your mother. You have a lot to give. But I also see uncertainty, shyness, and doubt. Maybe it would be a nice thing to see and look into your gut feelings. See if they can surface a bit more and help guide you?

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Suzi (03-07-19)

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## selena

You know, some things changed after my last trip and I think that is right.

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Paula (03-07-19)

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## selena

The sessions at psychologist and the challenge I've overcome so far made a big difference.

Sometimes I'm afraid myself of what does happen to me.

I'm not so afraid of men like i used to  and well, now opener to dating and even to the perspective intimate relation with someone I can trust and develop friendship. I also do not consider premarital sex as a sin, this nearly brought me to conflict with one of my local friends (and colleague). I decided to close this subject with her.

I cannot please her. Nor my mom's aspirations either for my future BF. Maybe I can make mistakes, just want to be finally me, myself.

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OldMike (07-07-19)

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## Paula

Thats all anyone should be  :):

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## Suzi

That is definitely all you should be lovely

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## OldMike

Just be yourself that's all anyone can ask of you.

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## selena

I realize that I should work, I mean attend more sessions maybe.

Because it is really hard for me to trust a man who I'm supposed to date.

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## Jaquaia

Trust comes as you get to know them better

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## Suzi

Sweetheart Jaq is right it all comes as you date them longer... 
Are you trying to date nearer home or are you doing online dating from all over the world?

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## selena

Closer to home or just discussing in groups with general shared interests.

Not too active though. But trust is definitely an issue in my case.

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## magie06

Trust really doesn't had overnight. When you enter a relationship, you should just enjoy getting to know one another. Trust will come, but it's more important to get to know one another first.

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selena (07-07-19)

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## selena

The thing is not only about the distance. Maybe you can judge better as mothers of daughters.

My mom is mostly against that I get into something serious with someone not Christian. That this is a sin and can have consequences.

What kind of sin if I will always be Christian? My idea of being a Christian is different from my mother's...I cannot repair it or be different. 

One of my good local friends gets married. Her husband is an Atheist, so they will not have a religious wedding ceremony. But he deeply respects her values. Even my confessor is not so strict.

Sometimes it's tough. Once I start getting closer to someone and...suddenly there are some obstacles.

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## Paula

Im a Christian and Sis not. I wish it was different but it doesnt affect how I feel about him. It is hard sometimes, but weve been together over 20 years and work through any problems together.

As for sin? Well, God wants a relationship with each one of us, and were sinners ......

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selena (07-07-19)

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## Suzi

I'm a Christian and Marc's not. I do understand that some would see that as a sin, but I don't really follow the whole idea of sin when it comes to something like this. I am quite sure that God spreads love. Love from him to me, from me to him and between people. Surely love is love and being happy is what's more important?
My parents weren't happy that we didn't get married in a Church, but our vicar has no issues and says that our marriage is very blessed.

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selena (07-07-19)

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## Mira

Sorry to burt in like this. I hate narrow minded thoughts. No matter who expresses them. I try to love all. Christians, muslims, different nationalities, every gender no matter what.

What does it matter if someone is religious or not? Is it not love that matters? There is evil and good in every group. There are many atheïsts that could be saints and religious people that could be called sinners. 

I would only "judge" your partner on if he loves you and treat you right. For me its that simple.

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Jaquaia (09-07-19),OldMike (09-07-19),Paula (09-07-19),selena (09-07-19),Suzi (09-07-19)

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## Suzi

> Sorry to burt in like this. I hate narrow minded thoughts. No matter who expresses them. I try to love all. Christians, muslims, different nationalities, every gender no matter what.
> 
> What does it matter if someone is religious or not? Is it not love that matters? There is evil and good in every group. There are many atheïsts that could be saints and religious people that could be called sinners. 
> 
> I would only "judge" your partner on if he loves you and treat you right. For me its that simple.


This post is AWESOME!

----------


## selena

I'm really really nervous.

My mom often complains of weakness and fever. She always anyway tries do about the house in my absence.

This thought of death makes me crazy and leaves me totally worn out, without any inner peace.

I'm just left breathless. 

Do you think a psychologist will help me to get the things milder, to get calmer? I mean private sessions.

But not any specialist can deal with this aspect. I told her about this.

She told me instead that I can go to church and confess there...

----------


## selena

In these moments, I'm feeling lost and I hate myself for not being able to change anything. Absolutely.

My realtion with God (better saying prayer) is confusing and complicated. I just want to hurt my hand or fingers, this is like a nervous reaction.

----------


## Suzi

Why are you wanting to hurt yourself? 
Sweetheart I hate to be blunt, but I'm quite sure your Mum is talking about these things because she knows you don't like it and find it hard to deal with and also keeps you closer to her - I know you were talking of planning your next trip (to Paris?) - Could it be that she is trying to make you stay with her? 

Yes counselling can help with fear of death etc..

----------


## selena

I don't really know about her reasons, but there are days when she feels worse.

As for counselling, waiting is definitely too long ...so I should maybe consider renewing private sessions.

----------


## Suzi

I think that sounds like a very good idea! Make them regular - every week if you can and you'll be able to really work through things.

----------


## Paula

I definitely think you should get counselling urgently - if that means paying for it, you should. Sweetie, things are not getting any better for you, and wont until you do something proactive to help yourself.....

----------

OldMike (13-07-19),Suzi (13-07-19)

----------


## OldMike

Providing they're not too expensive Selena you should consider having some private sessions  :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

You're quiet...

----------


## Suzi

I was wondering how things were too...

----------


## selena

The things are better and worse at the same time. It depends, maybe a reflection/waiting time. 

I certainly consider doctor's assistance. Now it's a big holiday time here, so many specialists will return by the end of summer.

My mom's general condition got more fragile. She gets tired faster and her general condition is rather low. I accompany her to church just because she wants me to be there.

----------


## Paula

Have you lost your faith, sweetie?

----------


## selena

Not absolutely, but I have hard moments of frustration and questioning everything.

----------


## Paula

Thats not surprising, given everything youve gone through

----------


## selena

All this situation makes me desperate and developing suicidal thoughts...

I have to go to work and well, knowing that her condition got worse, this drives me in some moments crazy.
I'm afraid that one day I return home and find her dead. I don't say that there are only bad people around, but in fact I'm absolutely alone.

My mental condition is on the edge. I'm trying to draw up a list of what to do after, but it's not easy at all to keep my mind cold. I don't want to show my tears before other people, before hypocrites...
All legal stuff was done, but it doesn't make the things easier. She talked yesterday with my Dad. He promised that I'm welcome there anytime. even if I want to move there after her death. He asked her to keep strong.
Then she told me:" Maybe I made a mistake when I divorced him. Now it's certainly he is worried about me even after many years. I was just thinking at that time his feelings had not been enough strong".
Last year we buried grandma. I cannot imagine live this again, although I should be prepared.

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart you will NEVER be prepared for losing your parent - no matter how long you knew they were ill. You have to stop beating yourself up and allow yourself to feel....

----------

selena (22-07-19)

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------

selena (22-07-19)

----------


## OldMike

Selena you can never be prepared to lose a loved one, I've lost both my parents and it takes time to get over that, it isn't easy but you get there in the end, looking back at my parents it really brings a smile to my lips like the time mum and dad went out under the cover of darkness with a wheelbarrow to *cough* steal some rocks from round a wooded area where I used to live so they could make a rock garden  :(giggle): 

Selena you'll have many memories of your mum hang on to those precious memories your loved ones may have left this earth but they're still with you if that makes sense.

----------

selena (22-07-19)

----------


## selena

It is true, but it is hard for me to see her suffer, generally to see anyone in pain...

----------


## Suzi

I saw my brother in law and my Dad get progressively ill and then pass away... It was horrible, but nothing I could do could prepare me for how I felt after... It is hard seeing anyone in pain or upset, but you can get through it.

----------


## selena

Hi, hope everyone is fine.

Please keep me in your prayers, I've had a very tough week....

----------


## Suzi

What's happened?

----------


## Allalone

:Panda:

----------

selena (09-08-19)

----------


## selena

Finally this week came to an end.

My mom was admitted again to hospital. Everything was scheduled and she is feeling better.

However, her doctor mentioned anyway illness progression. 

She is in rather good mood, but I'm upset.

----------


## Suzi

Oh sweetheart  :Panda:  What did they say?

----------

selena (09-08-19)

----------


## selena

They started to give her Tramadol (although not often) and put her on some drips.

Actually she went for a walk in the hospital yard. 

Her main doctor pointed out that they cannot heal her, but maybe can make symptoms or life generally a bit easier.

----------


## Suzi

Is it cancer that she has lovely?

----------


## selena

Yes, that is.

----------


## Suzi

Has it spread or do you know what stage it is?

----------


## selena

It's MT stage, it was 3rd before, but now it's more spread...

----------


## Suzi

Spread to where? What have the doctors said? Are you getting any support from your friends/anyone else?

----------


## selena

Liver and it's probably lung Mt.

The doctors said she is in the stage to receive stronger drugs. 

There are good people around. But no really close persons.

----------


## Suzi

So is she back at home? Do you have any charities which can help support you through this? It's hideous watching someone you love get iller and iller.... We have Macmillan who provide nurses, therapists etc etc Might be worth looking around? You can't be the only person in this position....

----------


## selena

She will probably be back on Monday.
We have one hospice (charity financed by foreign organization).

I called them around 2 weeks ago. They seemed nice and trained. She said it will be better not to leave till the end when the person is dying on the last stage.

They will examine her at home. We can agree so that they come and put her on the drip, but usually people go to hospice where all conditions are fulfilled. 

My mom refused by that time.

We talked about it because she wanted me to keep full-time work as it provides normal financial support. We cannot let it no matter who and see her on pain that's horrible. Dying home or there...it is a tough choice. But there are no other persons who can take care of her than those from hospice.
We'll talk following her return back.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  :(bear): 
I know how hard it is lovely....  :Panda:

----------

selena (10-08-19)

----------


## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

----------

selena (11-08-19)

----------


## selena

Thank you.

The good news she is feeling better today! She ate something.
Maybe she will be tomorrow at home.

But I need psychological assistance anyway, as her doctor told me there are no guarantees and her condition might go down at any moment.

----------


## Suzi

You really do need to get some support for you lovely. What about grief counselling?

----------


## selena

I am afraid the local psychologists do not have such a separate sector, but the ones I asked - replied they can work on this tough matter either.

----------


## Suzi

Could any of these groups help? http://www.cancer-support.eu/cancer-...ources/romania

----------

selena (11-08-19)

----------


## selena

Thank yu for the link, I'll check it. Although only I am a citizen of Romania, but she is not.

----------


## Suzi

I was looking at getting you some help and support lovely...

----------

selena (11-08-19)

----------


## Paula

You do need support, hunni, you cant manage this alone. Do you want your mum to go into the hospice?

----------


## selena

I don't want, really happy to see her at home.

We agreed that if she feels worse, she will decide to go there.

----------


## Suzi

I think that's a good idea. I know that the hospice that my Dad was in was so lovely. It was a really positive and wonderful place.

----------


## Mira

The people here care about you. Thats why they want to help.

If you have support and someone there for you it will give you more strenght to support and care for your mum.

----------

selena (13-08-19)

----------


## selena

Yes, indeed, the support here and from the people who care really does matter.

Cancer is so harsh, it destroys everything.

----------


## Suzi

It is harsh... But you can get through this and you can be happy....

----------


## selena

I have a question.

Do you think it is fine for me to go to Paris or other part for a few days this autumn?
Not egoist?

----------


## Jaquaia

You still need time to yourself, to do something nice for you

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart none of us can make that decision - it depends on how you feel and how ill your Mum is etc?

----------


## Jaquaia

Do the travel agents near you offer cheap last minute deals? We have a lot that do that in the UK. Maybe you can books a last minute deal if you're happy with how your mum is at the timr

----------


## Paula

> I have a question.
> 
> Do you think it is fine for me to go to Paris or other part for a few days this autumn?
> Not egoist?


Only you and your mum can answer that question although you have to consider the financial cost if you have to cancel last minute. Jaqs idea is a good one

----------


## selena

Thank you for suggestion, I should check it.

----------


## selena

The situation became so hard, my OCD and anxiety got worse either. 

The doctors told me the situation is bad and me being at work within the week,  I cannot cope with everything, I'm feeling so low. Every day my mom struggles with severe pains, but she refuses to take morphine or apply to hospice services.

----------


## Jaquaia

Why aren't you talking to us lovely? You don't need to leave it until you feel like you're at breaking point to come and talk to us. 

Have you got any support? Are there maybe support groups for family members of cancer sufferers?

----------


## selena

I really wanted to, just had been stuck, maybe not expecting these harsh moments would develop so suddenly. 

I am a member of international Cholangocarcinoma group on FB, they are very helpful.

----------


## Jaquaia

She will have her good days along with the bad, but it's important that you look after yourself too lovely. Keep talking. Cancer is a cruel disease but it can help to know you're not alone  :Panda:

----------

OldMike (01-09-19),selena (01-09-19)

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart you don't have to deal alone, we're here and we really care about you. 
The doctors are suggesting you don't work? Then what happens about money?

----------

selena (01-09-19)

----------


## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

----------

selena (01-09-19)

----------


## selena

They suggested taking her to hospice after a while, if the situation becomes harder.

She agreed to apply for Morphine, at least some good news.

----------


## Strugglingmum

:Panda:  :Panda: 
I'm sorry things have got worse so quickly. I'm glad your mum has agreed to pain relief. Hopefully it will help, although she may be a bit more sleepy with it. Can you get any practical help at home?

----------

selena (01-09-19)

----------


## selena

Not too much, but I'm trying to do my best.

----------


## Suzi

Will she not think about going to the hospice for a while? I know that the hospice my Dad went to was so valuable for him, but also for those caring for him....

----------


## selena

I'm feeling so bad, so depressed, I'm fed up with my work, with my boaa, with my current place, with my f...g life, with my mom's disease, with the fact that I've failed in my private life.

I know that is nothing in comparison with my mom's sufferings, but this is just the way I'm feeling, that I'm useless and cannot stop the process of disease. 

But that's ME. I just want to cut my fingers, my veins, to take something, and also fear that one day a customer will find me in tears.
That I'm not worth of being loved, and hearing at home my mom's good and a bit vile comments at once, although generally we get along well now. I'm feeling that she's more or less happy each time I fail in my real or online attempt to build up a relationship with a man. I know that is a sin to think so, but that's my feeling, her ideal of man is hers and the image of religion too. I'm feeling bad in my relation with prayer and church too, I'm feeling punished, trapped, breathless.

In fact, too much accent on me, I'm maybe egoist but responsible for everything, just feeling I cannot cope with this chaos anymore...

----------


## Jaquaia

I've added a trigger warning lovely.

Stop and take a deep breath. You know what we say here, if it affects you then it matters. Your mum being ill doesn't mean that your suffering suddenly becomes irrelevant. It doesn't mean that you can't resent her when she makes those vile comments. You're human lovely, not a robot, and it's ok to find all this incredibly difficult. And you've not failed in your private life, it just hasn't happened yet. 

Take a deep breath. 

Can you try and do something nice for you every evening?

----------

selena (05-09-19)

----------


## Suzi

> I'm feeling so bad, so depressed, I'm fed up with my work, with my boaa, with my current place, with my f...g life, with my mom's disease, with the fact that I've failed in my private life.


You haven't "failed" in your private life at all! You've been spending so much time and energy taking care of all those around you and trying to be the perfect daughter etc that you haven't had enough space to meet anyone properly!




> I know that is nothing in comparison with my mom's sufferings, but this is just the way I'm feeling, that I'm useless and cannot stop the process of disease.


Of course it's important how you are feeling! You cannot give every waking moment to work and caring for your Mum, no one can. Sweetheart if all of medical science can't stop the disease progressing then you have to see that it isn't anything to do with you being "useless" at all! You are far from useless. 




> But that's ME. I just want to cut my fingers, my veins, to take something, and also fear that one day a customer will find me in tears.
> That I'm not worth of being loved, and hearing at home my mom's good and a bit vile comments at once, although generally we get along well now. I'm feeling that she's more or less happy each time I fail in my real or online attempt to build up a relationship with a man. I know that is a sin to think so, but that's my feeling, her ideal of man is hers and the image of religion too. I'm feeling bad in my relation with prayer and church too, I'm feeling punished, trapped, breathless.
> 
> In fact, too much accent on me, I'm maybe egoist but responsible for everything, just feeling I cannot cope with this chaos anymore...


You are NOT responsible for everything. It is not a sin to have a relationship with a man at all. You can build up a relationship without having sexual experiences if that's what worries you.... 
Your Mum has always said hideous things to you. Please try to remember that that's just her being horrible and is very far from the truth. You are a wonderful young lady, you are smart and kind and thoughtful... She isn't always and surely that's a bigger sin than talking to a man?

----------

OldMike (06-09-19),selena (05-09-19)

----------


## selena

Thanks for supportive words. Although it's a daily struggle, but some days are very dark.

As for relationship, my mom might be concerned, but the main thing bothering me is extreme opinions of some religious people, I cannot perceive the extreme things as normal. I cannot accept the harsh style dictated by some priests.

The relation with my mom has improved so far, like it had been before, or let's say from adult perspective. The disease of course makes everything harder.

----------


## Suzi

What kind of opinions are you struggling with? 

Are you having treatment and therapy?

----------


## OldMike

I've been through it with both my mum and dad, dad with liver cancer and mum with dementia, both are cruel diseases and you make feel helpless, but being feeling helpless isn't the same as being useless you are supporting your mum to the best of your ability and that's all you can do. As for your job find another employer or set out on your own.

----------

Suzi (07-09-19)

----------


## selena

I think I need to wait just a little and take private CBT sessions (or psychologist), otherwise I can get mad with all last events, especially see my mom dying.

----------


## Suzi

OK, I just wonder if you having that space to talk through everything with someone might be a good thing - especially whilst you are dealing with your Mum's illness... 

You didn't answer... 


> What kind of opinions are you struggling with?

----------


## selena

It's related to religion dogmas.

I don't agree with all strict teachings of my church.

----------


## Suzi

Which teachings in particular? - That is, if you don't mind talking about it?

----------


## selena

The opinion about sexuality and women's role mostly, some see a woman either as a saint or a w...e. The idea of having intimate relationships and children only in marriage. And what if I have a different opinion...

I think they should have focus more on other sins, like money laundering, inhuman attitude towards other people etc.

----------


## Suzi

Do you have different opinions? 
I know that our friend who is from Romania has very traditional views about a woman's role - I think it's something that he finds difficult to accept about living here. He struggles with things being so very different from home traditions. His brother and sister have both settled down here and their attitudes are much more modern and more in line with more choice for women - that their place isn't all about being in the home cooking, cleaning and looking after children with the man as the one to go to work and earn the money etc.. 

I agree. I think that actually religion should be about love, tolerance, acceptance and exactly as you say - kindness and helping those around you. 
It is hard. My parents were very religious when I was growing up and I had my place in the Church and was there every service etc and actually thought of following a career..... but then things happened and my life changed. I completely lost my faith for a long time and have only refound it in the last 10 years or so..

----------

selena (07-09-19)

----------


## selena

I'm simply devastated, the situation turned worse and worse.

She is nearly always in bed on painkillers, the general progress is very low. 

I was allowed to work from home.

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni I'm sorry. Are you getting any support in looking after her?

----------


## selena

A neighbour helps with injections, that's all. 

I'll try to ask for some assistance from the only hospital we have.

----------


## Suzi

Do ask for help hunni. You can't do this alone.

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm so sorry Selena. I wish we could do more to help you. Please ask for all the practical help you can get but also take all the emotional support you can get to move through this awful time. Xx its a hard hard road you are travelling, you will need support.

----------

selena (15-09-19)

----------


## Paula

Sweetheart, whats happening?

----------


## Suzi

Hunni I've seen your posts on FB.... Talk love...

----------


## selena

She is passing through a horrible pain. I cannot stop anything, the medical system has not helped at all.

----------


## selena

My mommy peacefully died this morning.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm so sorry lovely!!! 

Have you got any support?  :Panda:  :Panda:  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni, I am so sorry....  :(bear):  :(bear):  :(bear):

----------


## selena

Not much, I lost everybody ...my grandma last year and then my mommy.

----------


## Jaquaia

What about your dad? You need support lovely, grieving is hard enough with support. Keep talking here  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

What about friends? You really shouldn't deal with all this alone lovely...

----------


## Paula

Oh sweetheart, Im so,so sorry. I hope youll be able to let us be there for you but I also hope youll be able to turn to those close to you  :Panda:

----------


## EJ

I’m really sorry Selena. I know that no-one can replace our Mums. Rest in peace Selena's Mum xx

----------


## magie06

I am so sorry for your loss. I will offer my prayers this evening for her. You need to understand that she is now out of pain and her suffering on this earth is over. She is in a better place.

----------


## Strugglingmum

My deepest sympathy Selena. Im so so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Xx :(bear):

----------


## Angie

I am so sorry Selena, am thinking of you xx

----------


## Paula

How are you today?

----------


## Suzi

How are things lovely? Do you have any help and support?

----------


## selena

Thank you everybody for your support and kind words.

Tomorrow is her funeral at 3 pm. 

I try to eat something and take care of myself, tomorrow I'll need it for sure.

----------


## Paula

Well done, lovely, you do need to take care of yourself but I cant imagine how hard that is - so youre doing amazingly well. Do you have someone to be with you all day tomorrow?  :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

^^wss

Take one day at a time lovely  :Panda:

----------


## OldMike

I'm so terribly sorry Selena  :(bear):   :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart do you have friends or family coming who can help you through the day? It's so unbelievably hard when you lose a parent, and you've had such a rubbish year.....  :Panda:  :(bear):  We will all be with you in thoughts and spirit tomorrow lovely x

----------


## selena

There are many gossip people there who want all details and are getting on my nerves.

But my local friend offered to come and support me at the funeral.

----------


## Jaquaia

It's good that you'll have someone there for you  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you are going to have support x

People are always going to gossip love. Neither you or your Mother did anything wrong, ignore them as best you can x

----------


## selena

Today is her funeral. The Orthodox church admits generally funeral on 3rd day....but the face of the deceased (except face crashed in accident) is not covered. 

God, give me strength when I see her.

----------


## Jaquaia

Thinking of you today lovely. Sending you so much love  :Panda:

----------


## EJ

Thinking of you today Selena. Love and prayers xx

----------


## Suzi

Much love hunni  :(bear):

----------


## Paula

Sending love, hugs and prayers, lovely  :Panda:

----------


## magie06

Thinking of you today and sending hugs and all my prayers.

----------


## Jarre

Remember she will always be in your heart and the funeral is a celebration of her life she will always be with you in spirit.

----------


## Angie

Thinking of you xx

----------


## selena

Thank you everybody for kind words.

I passed through this and survived. My local friend helped me a lot and made me smile.

----------


## Jaquaia

Be kind to yourself now lovely  :Panda:

----------


## Strugglingmum

Glad you are through today. Thinking of you for the days ahead.  Xx

----------


## Suzi

Well done for getting through today lovely. So glad you had your friend there to support and help you through it.

----------


## Paula

Youve done so well, gorgeous  :Panda:

----------


## selena

I've been today at the cemetery. It was a weird feeling - that this now is the mommy's house. 

My boss cannot get that I want to work online, if something wrong I will need to have the consultation of lawyer.

----------


## Suzi

What kind of thing do you think could go wrong that you might need a lawyer for?

----------


## selena

I don't  know, if she will try to make me stay forever by her side.

----------


## Suzi

Your boss? Sweetheart you are free to leave her and work elsewhere if you want...

----------


## selena

She quickly sent me a message this morning that she agrees to cooperate with me on online basis, as a freelance translator.

----------


## Suzi

That's really good.

----------


## Paula

That is good news. How are you doing, hunni?

----------


## selena

I'm slightly better, thanks.

----------


## Suzi

That's great news! Are you arranging to work freelance?

----------


## selena

I will return to the office on November 04.

----------


## Suzi

That gives you time to sort things out a bit and time to work freelance.

----------


## selena

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a psychologist and I'm willing to fight, not to leave despair overwhelm me.

----------


## Jaquaia

Good!

----------


## Suzi

That's so brilliant! I'm so proud of you for that!

----------


## Paula

Im really, really proud of you!

----------


## selena

There is one more thing. What would you do if you don't know how to plan something? Not to hurry up and to get the things right.

----------


## Paula

Sorry, Im not quite sure what you mean. Can you give us more details?

----------


## Suzi

What is it you want to plan?

----------


## selena

About living alone or invite a friend for a while.

I had been to a psychologist. I'm feeling such a relief, today prepared after some soup - first time since my mother's death.

----------


## Suzi

Today is the first day you've eaten since your Mum passed away? 

Why don't you just take a little while to see how you are? There is no hurry?

----------


## selena

Thee first day I've prepared more normal and consistent food.

No hurry, especially it would be better to wait until the end of the year.

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you're eating properly. 
Why not wait then and see how things settle. You've been through quite a lot recently and I really think working on your own mental health might be a good idea...

----------


## Paula

Your life has changed so much, hunni, its probably be sensible to take some time to figure out what your next steps are

----------


## Strugglingmum

They always say that you shouldn't make any big life choices in the months following a bereavement.  I honestly think like Suzi and Paula that you should give yourself time to adjust to life without your mum. I know when my own mother dies I rushed a few decisions that probably should have had a bit more thought. Take time to concentrate on you and discover what it is exactly that you want out of life. 
You are so kind and dedicated a lot to looking after your mum, you need to rediscover you. Xx

----------

Angie (29-09-19),Jaquaia (29-09-19),OldMike (29-09-19),selena (29-09-19),Suzi (29-09-19)

----------


## selena

Thank you, that is true too.

I developed anyway a kind of eating disorder: i can eat, than the next I cannot either in the evening. Lack of appetite and nausea.

----------


## Paula

Id say that was normal when going through such a difficult time - you do need to try to eat, but lack of appetite is usual. Dont worry that youre developing an eating disorder

----------


## Strugglingmum

We grieve emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. Decreased appetite etc is not uncommon during bereavement.  Try and eat just a little meal at a time and keep drinking fluids. Sometimes dehydration can cause nausea.

----------


## Suzi

If you don't eat properly you'll get nauseous... It's something that my son does so I know this bit. It's not an eating disorder. It just means you aren't eating properly or regularly enough.

----------


## selena

A lot of things to do...
But for the first time since mum's final days, I got some proper sleep.

----------


## Angie

Glad you got some sleep sweetie x

----------


## Suzi

Glad you got some sleep lovely. It's so important.

----------


## Paula

How are you doing, love?

----------


## selena

Thank you. 

Sincerely, rather bad. Of course I'll return to work, I'm going to follow treatment. 
I'm missing so much my mum.

I've recovered to a certain extent. Alhough there are certain things making me feel without confidence and suicidal.

That is about my relationship with a man.

----------


## Jaquaia

What about it?

----------


## selena

Some time before the death of my mom, I met a man. Well, maybe not one, but this became closer.

The thing I'm struggling with now (maybe due to the fact we still don't get well enough each other and I need a break too)....I guess it's a bit suicidal.
It is also related to my mom, my childhood with an abusive stepfather. Although it was many years ago. I pity her so much. It is not about me being harassed, it's about how he treated her.My mom was a beautiful woman, he was an abuser. 
This makes me suicidal that nobody will ever be able to truly love me...no man...these memories are hunting me and putting me down. In these moments, I feel the need to hurt myself, my veins.
Everything I had experienced before focused on his attempts to harm me, now it took a different road.

I am extremely needy emotionally. This guy was by my side and tried to make me smile in the saddest moments of my life.
However, we know just a little about each other. 
Sometimes he did not reply back in time. I did not insist either in fact. Maybe he likes me just because he had never had such a girl like me before.

He split with his girlfriend 2 years ago, he mentioned she broke his heart, but he recovered. He mentioned "the job" he had and the other things in the past, "beautiful" girlfriend. I found her profile and sorry - no beauty there, but that's subjective. And now I'm the beautful, calm and stupid! He does not know anything about me. He never lied or promised  something, I cannot blame him for being crazy and jealous. 

Normally, everyone has a past and now I will see in every man a cheater and a liar, this means impossibility to build up my private life. If I see exes and prostitutes around, the reflection of the unhappy marriage of my stepdad and my mother, I will compare myself again and again to someone's exes. This can really lead to suicide attempts.
It doesn't matter if I'm more or less beautiful. I'm feeling useless that I cannot trust anyone. 

That is sad because actually I've had some admirers recently.

----------


## Jaquaia

You need to seek therapy to try and work through all of this. Bad experiences doesn't mean all men are like that but you need to work through what caused these feelings in a safe space

----------


## selena

At psychologist?

This image of my mother is haunting me down, on the last day before her death. The words of the doctor from emergency team, she said to her partner pointing at my mum:
" Look how beautiful this woman is. Her eyes are so nice."

This is haunting me down.

Maybe to tell him the truth and to ask just to be left in peace?

----------


## OldMike

Selena it's a good image to have of your mum beautiful with nice eyes on the last days of her life.

----------


## Jaquaia

Psychologist, counsellor, psychotherapist... it doesn't matter where the help comes from as long as they are qualified to give it. 

You're grieving lovely. In time, you will learn how to deal with it but right now it is still really raw.

----------

Suzi (04-10-19)

----------


## Paula

Hunni, now is possibly not the right time to be thinking about a relationship. I do think you need professional support to work through your grief but also, when its time, your past and the way you think about men. But all this is going to take time and your priority today has to be looking after yourself. Are you eating and drinking?

----------

Suzi (04-10-19)

----------


## selena

I'm trying to do it properly and in time.

I'm feeling so disappointed about myself that I have fallen in deep grief again. And that I haven't managed so far to do all necessary things about the house. 

Tomorrow I'll have my next appointment at psychologist.

----------


## Paula

You shouldnt be disappointed. Its very early days and its a bumpy road - today is tough, tomorrow may be better - but you are doing really well.

----------


## Angie

Sweetheart your grieving, you need to give yourself the time to do that x

----------


## selena

Should I think bad about that guy?

Or maybe I shoulld tell him to just leave me now in peace?

----------


## Suzi

What do you mean that he didn't reply to you in time? How much time? Have you met him in person? Where is he from? 

Have you located a psychiatrist/psychologist?

----------


## selena

Yes, but once. He is currently working abroad. Being onine, talking to me than leaving without reading my message. It might be nearly a day. Not willing to say bad things, I'm just feeling worse in the process of communication, maybe just not the time.

Yes.

----------


## Suzi

When are you starting your sessions? 

I'm wondering if maybe you should wait a little before jumping in with any relationship. You need to work through your history first and make you in a better place...

----------


## selena

I have been today.

It helped for sure.

But well, I just didn't want to be rude when he messaged me this morning. I had written before that it would be better for him to leave me in peace. I'm deeply depressed and he deserves bettter woman in his life. Not to mention of course all my anxieties and insecurities. I've got simply mad...My imagination and head is troubled. 

He replied in the morning that no, he does not want to leave me for anything. But he got the message that I'm not ready for flirt. He wrote that I'm beautiful, intelligent and courageous and worth much more than I think. He sent his pic, he looked really tired, saying that he had a hard day before and works on Saturday too. He asked me about my schedule for today and said everything worse because I'm alone in the week-end. 
I know he is ready for a new relationship, but not sure and also because I'm in grief. 

I'm very confused and just don't want to imagine/blame him as a liar, I have no evidence.

----------


## Suzi

There's no harm talking to him as a friend....

----------

selena (05-10-19)

----------


## Paula

Better woman? Sorry, love, but thats not the case. Yes, right now youre possibly in the wrong place for a relationship but that doesnt mean that youre not worthy of having a man who treats you like a princess (pref a tough one like Moana  :O: ). Its not whether youre good enough for him, its whether hes good enough for you

----------

Angie (05-10-19),selena (05-10-19),Suzi (06-10-19)

----------


## selena

Thank you everybody. Your support does mean a lot to me.

The psychologist said that the upcoming days (nearly a month) will be the hardest and if I need to take antidepressants not to wait and be refferred to the psychiatrist. 

That's true that these days are really hard.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry lovely, when did you see the psychologist? Who will be prescribing the medication?

----------


## selena

Yesterday.

The medication just in case of necessity can be prescribed here only by psychiatrist.

----------


## Suzi

Then I'd say get a referral to the psychiatrist... However, I'm really, really glad you're seeing a psychologist!

----------


## selena

I had a major breakdown yesterday evening. My hidden emotions burst.

It's strange...but today I'm feeling better.

----------


## Suzi

Have you arranged the psychiatrist appointment?

----------


## selena

Not yet. The GP should write a referral.

----------


## Paula

Any emotion, especially grief, thats held inside too long is toxic. Im glad you cried, lovely, you needed to  :(bear):

----------

selena (07-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

Can you get to your GP asap and ask them to do the referral? 
Crying is healthy love with grief...

----------

selena (07-10-19)

----------


## selena

When I'm out (now having long walks although being introverted generally) and yes, interracting with people, I'm more or less fine, stable at least.

When I get home and stay, I'm simply devastated by sad memories and literally on the edge, juste tears falling down again and again.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## selena

The main question is mental survival,  the daily struggle I'm facing. 

Once I read that in order to survive an individual needs a goal. I have this goal, but I still need a lot of patience.

----------


## Paula

What is the goal?

----------


## selena

Leaving my country.

----------


## Paula

To go where?

----------


## selena

At least to my dad's place.

----------


## Suzi

Is going to your Dad's something that is going to be a healthy choice? I thought you had a difficult relationship with him?

----------


## Paula

Hunni, is this a knee jerk reaction to losing your mum or is it something you really want?

----------


## selena

This is what I really want. However, I should be wise and to take decisions in a hurry, especially taking into consideration my dad.

----------


## Suzi

You've never talked fondly of your Dad lovely - only of him letting you down or putting other people before you - are you really sure?

----------


## selena

Maybe I'll try to find a job offer in another country, if I fail to reach an agreement with him.

----------


## Suzi

Can I ask why you are so determined to leave your country?

----------


## selena

Many bad memories and actually I've been thinking about it for many years due to lack of normal medical service (mental health service is very poor) and rather corrupt legal system.

----------


## Suzi

Is there somewhere specific that you want to move to?

----------


## selena

I thought about an English or French speaking country, like UK (but Brexit time, I really don't know) or France. 

As for Latvia, my doubts are not only about my dad, but also about language policy, that in this way I can run out of money without his support. Reason? Latvians require a normal knowledge of the state language, otherwise it is impossible to be normally employed.
I also sometimes think that my dad wants me to be literally by his side as a caregiver. 

I own a good flat in a good district. But I should make many adjustments and everything to be done not in a hurry and very carefully.

----------


## Suzi

The thing is, you have been your Mum's carer and your Grandmothers for so long - please don't get trapped into being your dad's or anyone elses! It's more than time for you to do the things that YOU want to do and live the life you want!

----------

Angie (10-10-19),OldMike (12-10-19),Strugglingmum (10-10-19)

----------


## selena

You are perfectly right and he has an appaling attitude, especially taking into consideration mu mom's recent death.

My confessor actually encouraged me to think carefully but to try new challenges I really want.

----------


## Suzi

I really think that it's important for you to stop and think really carefully - maybe get your mental health a bit more stable and certainly not so soon whilst you are grieving. You've been through an awful lot love. Give yourself time.

----------

Angie (10-10-19),selena (11-10-19)

----------


## Paula

Theres absolutely no harm in waiting, thinking about what you really want/need before you do anything. Taking a huge step like this can only be done once and, if its the wrong step, its going to have a huge impact possibly for the rest of your life. If its the right thing for you, then itll still be the right thing in a few months/years. Youre grieving and trying to find a way out of that grief. Please make 100% sure this is right.

Also, hunni, dont take this the wrong way, but remember you need to be so careful in completely changing your life, and safety, for someone youve never met, particularly when youre emotionally vulnerable ....

----------

selena (11-10-19),Strugglingmum (11-10-19),Suzi (12-10-19)

----------


## OldMike

> The thing is, you have been your Mum's carer and your Grandmothers for so long - please don't get trapped into being your dad's or anyone elses! It's more than time for you to do the things that YOU want to do and live the life you want!


Selena what Suzi said (quoted above) has got it absolutely right, you mustn't make any decisions quickly while you're grieving and do what is best for YOU and what YOU want to do.  :Panda:

----------

selena (12-10-19),Suzi (12-10-19)

----------


## selena

You are perfectly right. 

Yesterday I felt 100 % what means to be alone (my local friends live in other cities and go home on week-end). I was ill and was literally crawling. 

Thank God, now I'm fine. 

Paula, you are just perfectly right about the right choice. 
But I'm open to new challenges. Some days ago a woman who had been friendly with my grandma told me that I must be very attentive from now on, as there are many jealous people in my local place and I'm considered to be "wealthy" due to my apartment. 
All this scares me.

As for the man, I think it's early to make any judgements, actually he did not try to rush me in any relationship. 

Future will tell.

----------


## Paula

This friend of your grandmas, is this someone whose advice you trust?

----------


## selena

I don't really know her well enough. But in this aspect I think she is right taking into consideratin the reality.

----------


## Suzi

In what way were you ill lovely? Are you feeling better? 

Hunni, why don't you just wait and see how things are in a little while. You have been through so much. Focus on getting you better....

----------


## selena

A kind of flu, also pancreas pains.

But I am definitely feeling better now.

----------


## Suzi

Are you taking your medication properly? Are you eating and drinking properly?

----------

magie06 (13-10-19)

----------


## selena

Yes, because I want to minimize these unhealthy incidents.

----------


## Suzi

Good. What about rest? Are you getting any?

----------


## selena

Yes, definitely. Although just a little improvement, but I get anyway better sleep.

I had some terribel years, that is why I need to be abroad even for a few months.

----------


## selena

I want a little piece of advice.

----------


## Angie

Ask sweetie if we can help we will x

----------


## Suzi

What advice are you looking for lovely?

----------


## selena

Like all of you know, I decided to postpone any love stories for later period, when I feel more stable emotionally.

The guy sometimes messaging me - I decided to consider him as a friend for a moment, taking this as politeness, although I am pretty sure he likes me.

My local friend instead told me that I must give him a lesson for reading my messages late/replying later....
But I'm not in the mood for this. And I think I have a plenty of things to do, and also no actions can turn fake feelings into true ones.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry, what does she mean that you should give him a lesson for taking time to reply to you?

----------


## selena

She meant that this is the way he will understand better how to reply on time and take better into consideration someone's feelings.

----------


## Jaquaia

But you don't know why he doesn't reply quickly

----------


## selena

That is my idea too.

And generally I would prefer just a friendly connection now, for my emotional safety. He seems to have got it.

----------


## Paula

Think of it like it is here - we dont expect everybody to reply to our posts immediately because we understand that they will be doing other things and not just glued to their phone/laptop waiting for someone to post so they can answer them. Im assuming this man works, has a home, has responsibilities and cant be waiting for you to message him so he can answer immediately .....

And, sweetie, I am never a fan of playing games like punishing someone so they behave better. That, hunni, is no way to build a Relationship

----------

Angie (14-10-19),selena (15-10-19),Suzi (14-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

I completely agree with Paula. Playing games is never a good way of forming a proper relationship...

----------

selena (15-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

How are you doing today?

----------


## selena

I'm feeling sometimes so confused and lost, from moods filled with joy to a lot of tears.

I managed to do some things about the house, but I always blame myself for not having done enough, or enough well.

----------


## Jaquaia

Sweetheart you are grieving. You need to cut yourself some slack

----------

Angie (15-10-19)

----------


## Paula

Oh wow, hunni, Jaq's right, youve only just lost your mum. In your situation, Id be feeling exactly the same  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Give yourself time to grieve.... The fact that you are up and dressed and eating and drinking is more than enough right now....

----------


## selena

Just keep me in your prayers and positive thoughts.

The GP referred me (next week) for chest X-ray. She said it is either general health weakness due to stress or beginning of pneumonia.

----------


## Strugglingmum

:Panda:   :Panda:  thinking of you. X

----------


## Paula

:Panda:  Ill hope that the reason shes not sending you for an urgent X-ray is because its not pneumonia. Big hugs, lovely lady

----------

selena (19-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

You need to try and look after yourself  :Panda:

----------

selena (19-10-19)

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------

selena (19-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  Are you taking care of you? Eating OK? Drinking properly?

----------


## selena

I'm trying my best.

----------


## Suzi

So are you eating and drinking enough? Keeping warm enough?

----------


## selena

I'm trying to keep it properly, but I do recognize it is hard.

Today I have been to church (briefly), the one church we went with mom long time ago, because there is some distance and the ambiance is warmer.

Every angle, every street, every tree reminds me of mum.

----------

OldMike (20-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

It will do. You've only just lost her... Give yourself some kindness and time.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing?

----------


## selena

I'm slightly better today.

----------

Strugglingmum (21-10-19)

----------


## Paula

Im proud of you - youre getting through and thats huge

----------

selena (21-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad. Are you eating? Drinking? Getting out and about?

----------


## selena

Yes, thanks, I'm trying to keep up with my diet.

I have seen my friend today.

----------

OldMike (21-10-19),Strugglingmum (21-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

Good. I'm really glad lovely. It's so important right now...

----------


## EJ

:Panda:  :Panda:  :Panda:  :Panda:  :Panda: 
sending hugs

----------

selena (23-10-19),Suzi (23-10-19)

----------


## selena

Yesterday I thought I cannot cope well enough, but I actually managed to do many things. Although I always think my mum would have done better.

Like Paula said in one of previous threads (and was perfectly right), my current decision might have an important impact on my further life. 

It is hard, although I know I can manage it. I want to change my life (at least for a period).

This might seem horrible, but I do not love my Dad and I'm attached more to people here (and others) than to him. But he had not done anything for me so far, neither financially nor emotionally. I do not want to be his and his mom's nanny, nor living with them/him. 
My friend warned me to read/translate carefully all acts he wants me to sign. 

As for my mom, not a day without thinking about her...

Well, her consciousness was clear nearly till the end. 

On Saturday morning (she died on Sunday morning), I asked her how she finds my hair style. She had been a bit numb and said: " Don't worry, the people from funeral agency will arrange it properly." But then her consciousness became clear and she told me: " Oh, no, do not follow what I said. I talked nonsense like pushing you to suicide. No."
She told me before that she has got my mental problems, to seek professional assistance if I needed it. And yes, not everyone, but a caring and loving man will accept me as I am and will help to overcome depression periods. She said she had been the last year more nasty probably because of her mood swings related to her illness and apologized.

That breaks me, I live because I want to leave my country asap.

----------


## Suzi

I didn't know you'd ever told her how bad you were feeling - certainly not about suicidal thoughts.... 

Sweetheart someone will love you because of who you are. You are an amazingly intelligent, kind, interesting, funny, loving and lovely person - the right person will be honoured to be with you - depression or any other illness or not!

----------

Paula (23-10-19),selena (23-10-19)

----------


## selena

My feelings had been revealed recently in summer or maybe even prior to my London trip.

----------


## Paula

I agree with Suzi, love, someone will love you for who you are.

----------


## selena

I have got an appointment with the psychologist on Saturday. 

I cannot forget these last days and her voice.

----------


## Jaquaia

It will take time. You need to give yourself time to grieve properly lovely

----------

selena (23-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

Hunni you haven't even started to deal with your grief yet, you really aren't in the best place to make any huge decisions. You need to work through being kind to you and getting some medical help lovely....

----------

selena (23-10-19)

----------


## selena

You are right, I'm just too obsessed with the idea of keeping everything right.

Your support means a lot. I'm not judged here for my faux pas, being different and mental disorder, just reminded to care about myself and to apply for professional assistance.

----------


## Suzi

What faux pas? Everyone is different love and everyone has their own issues/baggage and currently dealing with depression isn't anything that anyone should judge you for.

----------


## selena

I have been to church today and talked to my confessor.

It has been the first time since...long time ago.

----------


## Jaquaia

Do you feel better for it?

----------


## Paula

Did it help?

----------


## selena

You know, it helped to a certain extent. Maybe because I know my mom wanted it (when she was alive she always told me that I should attend at least sometimes the religious service). It was done in her memory and because it was our confessor.

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad it helped lovely... That's the most important thing.

----------


## OldMike

I'm glad it helped, I know it is a cliche "time heals" but it is true, over time the feeling of loss of your mum will be replaced by the joy of having had her in your life.

----------


## selena

I have been today to my psychologist and it helped me a lot.

----------


## Suzi

Oh great. What things helped?

----------


## selena

I don't know exactly, but I experinced extremely anxiety some days before it.

She admitted that it is good I want changes, and actually it's good that winter time passes before it.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry, she suggests that you wait until after winter before you make big changes? What kind of changes were you talking about?

----------


## selena

No.

I told her that I can make big changes as going to another place only after NY, just cannot move now. 

She told me it is ok and no need to hurry up, it is enough by now to enjoy the small things I like.

----------


## Suzi

I have to say I totally agree with her. You've the rest of your life, don't make any definite plans whilst you need to work through your grief and get yourself more stable and brighter emotionally...

----------


## Angie

Couldn't agree with Suzi more sweetie, don't rush, take things one step at a time,

----------


## selena

Tomorrow I will head back to work.

But all my efforts went down...Today I've been falling and invaded by a lot of painful memories.

----------


## Jaquaia

It's still early days and you're still grieving. Be kind to yourself  :Panda:

----------


## Paula

Thats not failing, lovely, its the reality of grief. Added to any apprehension about returning to work, its not really very surprising that todays been a struggle. 

I hope tomorrow goes ok  :(bear):

----------


## Suzi

Selena, my Dad passed away over 10 years ago and I still get days where I just feel sad and I miss him more than normal.... That's not failing at all. It's being someone dealing with grief.

----------


## Mira

Hi Selena, I know I am much to late but I do want to send my condoleance (sorry, I do not know the English way of writting it).

I hope you manage to be kind to yourself. You had a rough time and still. I have read your thread and the people here are lovely. But not more or less lovely then you are. 

You are lovely too  :Panda:

----------

selena (08-11-19)

----------


## selena

Thanks, Mira.

This week apparently passed easily, but at the same time hard. 
The colleagues told me I'm looking nice. 

By the end of week, I'm feeling exhausted, and I'm partially haunted by the images of the last days of my dying mom. And that is horrible, but I will probably be haunted till the end of my days.

----------


## Mira

Thats nice to hear from colleagues. And I am sure it was sincere.

The last days with your mom will never leave you. But I am sure that with time it will get easier. And you were there for her. You did all you could. That is worth remembering as a good thing. A loving, caring daughter.

----------

selena (08-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

It does get faded over time and you aren't so haunted.... 

I think your colleagues are right going by your pictures on FB, you do look lovely. 
Can you have something lovely to look forward to this weekend?

----------

selena (08-11-19)

----------


## selena

I can go to a cafe or for a walk.

----------


## selena

I am heartbroken again...

Just found my colleague (ex as she had been ill for a couple of months) is seriously ill. She has brian tumor, she underwent surgery 3 months ago, but now the tumor grew again.

Her mother is desperately searching for help to undergo surgery abroad (maybe in Germany).

She is such an angel...cannot believe it

----------


## Mira

So sorry to hear that. Is there something you can do? Even a small thing like going to visit for a cup of coffee can give her a good time.

----------


## selena

Yes, I can translate and ask people to make donations.

She has cancer.

----------


## Paula

Oh sweetheart, Im so sorry. Mira has made a lovely suggestion. Im sure your friend would love to see you, even for a short time

----------


## Suzi

I'm sorry about your friend. My friend has terminal cancer too and it's so hard, but the one thing she's asked for is for people to pop in and see her and to not be sad around her. She's still looking for the joy and the positives around her. Could you do something like that?

----------


## selena

Yes, but she is in another city.

But all gathered around her (although virtually some of us).

----------


## Suzi

Virtually is good - it's not the same, but it's much better than not being able to be in instant conversation with her. Things like skype really help in times like this.

----------


## Paula

Hi, hunni, how are you?

----------


## selena

I am better thanks, but I've been struggling with missing her all this week. 

Today I have been contacted by one of her customers, she wanted to say thank you and invite her to see her house.

She was shocked when I told her. But she mentioned my mom told her she is so proud of me.

----------


## Angie

Awww bless her for letting you know what your mum said that was so lovely of her x

----------

selena (17-11-19)

----------


## Paula

That must have been lovely to hear

----------

selena (17-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

She couldn't have been anything other than proud of you, because you are amazing!

----------

selena (17-11-19)

----------


## Mira

I know it is not easy. But you are doing the best you can. I truly believe you have every reason to be proud of yourself. She was proud of you too.

----------

selena (17-11-19)

----------


## Mira

How are you doing? I was wondering that. And hoping that you are not alone all the time. In times like the one you are going through it would be good to spend time with People.

----------


## Paula

Just saying hi, lovely

----------


## selena

No, I'm not alone all time.

I have 2 local closer friends, I developed stronger friendship with one of the girls, I had been her mentor when she passed her training in the company.

We can see each other on week-end. But we try to talk daily.

The thing is that everything is related to this place, now I'm not doing exactly well. I'm trying, but I'm permanently being haunted by the image of my dying mom, questioning some things. This can drive me crazy.

----------


## Suzi

I'm so glad you're spending time with your friend lovely. It's great when you have a friend like that.

----------


## Mira

You can always talk about those things here. Its normal that those image are at the top of your thoughts. Its still all so recent. It takes time. Its important to think what you need to get through these times in a good way.

Its so nice you made a friend and that you talk so much.

----------


## selena

It was a hard day today too.

The colleague affected by brain cancer died two days after having arrived in Italy for treatment.

----------


## Mira

Oh Selena that is so rough. I am sorry for your loss  :Panda: . Is it possible to not be alone the next few days?

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------


## selena

Yes, I will be at work tomorrow  and will see one or two friends on the upcoming week-end.

----------


## Mira

Thats good. I think that being alone is not a good fit at the moment. So this is nice. Being around people will help.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:  Im so sorry, lovely

----------


## selena

I want to say that I am still haunted by a kind of prohibition.

This extreme religious stuff, maybe a bit of extreme.

There is also one thing: my mum did not usually like the men I like (she might have accepted it, but her "ideal" image was different).

----------


## Paula

A prohibition of what?

----------


## Suzi

I'm sorry lovely, can you explain your post a bit more for me? I'm not quite sure what you mean by it and I don't want to just make assumptions.... What prohibition? Who is prohibiting it? What religious extreme? 

My Mum hated Marc for years, it's only more recently that she tolerates him lol.... It's been a long standing joke for the last 20 years!  :):

----------

selena (23-11-19)

----------


## selena

The people who interpret religion in very strict terms like Westboro church. 

My mum herself never promoted hatred against any specific groups. But there are people who try to lecture me what is right and wrong.

This bothers me.
For example, I consider living outside marriage as something normal, they do not.

----------


## Paula

Are these issues that are affecting your life right now? Is this something you need to worry yourself about now, when youve got so much else in your life?

----------


## selena

I have a colleague who is extremely religious. When we see each other at weekly professional meeting, she has been always trying to lecture me.

----------


## Mira

Maybe you should try to let those things go a little. When I think about it this would be how I would like things to be. (because of my mental health sadly I can not)


I like those rings of influance. Where you are in the centre one. The next one bigger is family and close friends. Then are the other people you know and then come the strangers. 
The further outwards you get the less you should let them impact you. Or fase you. 

You yourself are most important. Your views and Dreams and morale. Then your close friends and family. They can give advice and you value that. And take things to heart.

Until you get to the ring with strangers. What they say is easier to dismiss.i hope I explained it ok.

----------

magie06 (25-11-19),selena (24-11-19),Suzi (23-11-19)

----------


## Paula

Miras right. This person is not really in your life. Ignore her, let her be bitter and difficult - thats her problem and shes the one who should feel bad about what she says

----------

selena (24-11-19),Suzi (23-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

You could always just "smile and nod" or you could just thank her for her opinion and continue carrying on with your life...

----------

selena (24-11-19)

----------


## Mira

How are you feeling now? Hope you will have a good sunday.

----------


## selena

Thank you, slightly better. Although I'm still struggling with a bad cold.

----------


## Mira

Good. But the cold is a shame. It does sound like a good time for some selfcare. Keeping nice and warm. Some nice tea with maybe some honey.

----------

selena (24-11-19)

----------


## selena

Thank you, the tea is already prepared.

----------


## Mira

Sounds great. Any other plans for today?

----------


## selena

It is a little bit cold for going out...

But I should in order to buy some food and other necessary home items. No walking scheduled with friends for today...

----------


## Mira

Yes, its awesome that you can do that. I live in an old fashioned part of Holland. Everything here is shut down on a sunday.

A shame you can not go for a walk with friends. Maybe call a friend or have a chat. So you are not alone all day?

----------


## selena

In terms of real life - I'm alone today.

----------


## Mira

In that case I am sending you a whole bunch of  :Panda:  :Panda:  :Panda:

----------

selena (24-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

Morning... Here we use a hot lemon and honey for sore throats etc and it's magical  :O: 
Sorry you aren't feeling fab, can you have a self care day where you do things that make you rested?

----------

selena (24-11-19)

----------


## OldMike

Selena hope your cold soon gets better in the meantime I'll send you virtual hugs and my love  :(bear):   :(bear):   :Panda:

----------

selena (24-11-19)

----------


## selena

Thank you so much, of course a cup of tea in a cold day seems to be the best solution ever.

----------


## Suzi

That sounds good.

----------


## Mira

Hi, I hope the day is going to be good for you. And that your throat cleared up a bit or is healed completely.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

How are you feeling today?

----------


## selena

Thank you, I'm feeling better.

The day was hard, but I met by accident two friends on my way home.

----------

OldMike (26-11-19),Strugglingmum (25-11-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Glad you're feeling better, andvits always lovely to bump into friends. X

----------

selena (25-11-19)

----------


## Mira

You are doing your best. And in these times thats a great thing. I hope you enjoyed the time with your friends.

----------


## Suzi

Glad you bumped into friends lovely. Maybe next time you could think about going with them for a coffee or a drink or something?

----------


## Paula

So glad youve had a better day

----------


## OldMike

Meeting friends or people you know (or even those you don't) and having a chat is always fun.

----------


## Mira

How has today been for you?

----------


## selena

Yesterday and today I think I have been feeling better.


Busy days...

Today a very young man, my summer customer came to the office. His mother has the same cancer as mine, only diagnosed later.

He said she is a bit tired but better. I decided not to tell him the truth as this could only discourage and upset him, as he proved to be such a good son, having left his work in Germany just to be by her side, although he has elder brother.

----------


## Suzi

That's always hard. What truth did you not decide to tell him?

----------


## selena

That my mum died...he asked how my mom is. Not now at least... maybe if he comes again.

----------


## Mira

I can see why you would do that. But over the years I have seen that the same diagnosis can have a totaly different outcome or path.

In the end its best to do what you feel is right.

----------


## Suzi

I agree with Mira. Different outcomes with the same diagnosis, but I can understand why you didn't want to tell them...

----------


## Mira

Hey, you have been silent. How are you doing?

----------

selena (02-12-19),Suzi (01-12-19)

----------


## selena

Hi, yes, it is a kind of period of regrets and reflections, considering major decisions...


The winter holidays are near and it is the saddest period this year.

----------


## Suzi

Why the saddest time lovely? 
What are the decisions you are talking about?

----------


## selena

I think because sometimes I remember something and want to ask my mom, either to tell her, then realize she is not here anymore.

I feel the need to live somehwere abroad, at least for some time in the upcoming year and maybe to give my dad a chance...

----------


## Suzi

Give your Dad a chance? Really? I thought that he didn't treat you very well at all....

----------

selena (03-12-19)

----------


## Paula

What would you do, for work?

----------

selena (03-12-19)

----------


## Mira

I think thats normal. To have those thoughts and reactions as if your mother is still there. 

Is seeking out your father a way of coping or replacing your mother? You are a smart woman. And if you think about your situation and what you would like to do I am sure you will find your way. But don't make rash decisions please.

----------

selena (03-12-19),Suzi (03-12-19)

----------


## selena

Yes, I have thought about it today and maybe it will be better to take it easier.

----------


## Paula

> Yes, I have thought about it today and maybe it will be better to take it easier.


That sounds sensible

----------


## Suzi

I think it sounds sensible too lovely....

----------


## OldMike

> Hi, yes, it is a kind of period of regrets and reflections, considering major decisions...
> 
> 
> The winter holidays are near and it is the saddest period this year.


Christmas can often highlight the loss of friends a family, it will get easier over time.

Avoid making decisions with undue haste and decide what you really want to do.

----------

selena (04-12-19)

----------


## selena

It is so weird but I'm feeling an orphan although I have a dad who is alive.

----------


## Mira

Well with how your father has been to you in the past I do not find it weird at all. I think it reflects your feelings in a correct way. My situation with my father is different. I never met him. But he lives less then an hour away. But still we never talked or met. So to me its like he is not there. It is different but I can understand how and why you feel this way. And your feelings are ok.

----------

Suzi (04-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

Oh sweetheart  :Panda:  :(bear):  :Panda:  :(bear):

----------

selena (05-12-19)

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------

selena (05-12-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

:Panda:

----------

selena (05-12-19)

----------


## selena

Thank you, everybody.

Mira, sorry to learn about the situation with your dad. Maybe it will be worth meeting him one day. Sorry for interfering, I don't really know your situation.

My boss asked me today if I'm not going somewhere abroad.

----------


## Mira

No need to say sorry. I was thinking a lot about going to see him but so far it has not come of it. He is getting on in age so if I wanted to do it I should do it sooner then later. 

What did you anwser your boss?

----------


## Suzi

Have you been talking to her saying that you might be?

----------


## selena

I just said "Not yet". She is afraid of losing me because I'm the only sworn translator from English into her company.

----------


## Suzi

I'm not surprised she's worried about losing you - you are awesome!

----------

selena (05-12-19)

----------


## Paula

What she says or think is irrelevant, what matters is what you want.  However, you already know I think youd be wise to wait before making any decisions .....

----------

selena (05-12-19),Suzi (05-12-19)

----------


## Mira

Hi, any plans for the weekend? How are you doing?

----------


## selena

I am fine, thanks.

I am feeling slightly better, although I spent it alone. Nobody in the city. Of course, I have talked to the local friends over phone, have been to cafe and having done some other things about the house.

I have talked to my dad over phone. My first feeling was joy...because he is my dad, don't know...He was worried and told that his mother is often ill. 
He asked me general questions, also when I come...and about the apartment and its sale price. I don't really know myself and I'm unwilling to do something in a hurry now.

----------


## Mira

Good to hear you are doing slightly better. And its ok you spend it alone. As long as you are ok with it. You have been busy at least. 

You said your first feeling was joy while talking to your father. Did it change at any time?

And I think you do know yourself but maybe you are still shaken up by what happened. It is a major event and you deserve time to grief and find yourself again. So I do think its good you are not doing something in a hurry right now.

----------

Flo (08-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

Do you feel that he's rushing you into this?

----------


## selena

Yes, maybe. He and my boss are like two opposites trying to push me where they want. 

Would you judge me as not kind, willing to see my Dad later and maybe to get vacation somewhere else?

----------


## Suzi

Not at all! You deserve to be happy and you've been under so much pressure with your Grandmother and your Mother that I think a holiday would be a positive step...

----------


## Paula

Absolutely not. You deserve some space.

Erm, I have to ask, but is there even the tiniest chance your dad is looking for a career for his mum?

----------


## selena

Paula,maybe not exactly, but this idea came to my mind too. 

He has told me during our conversation that he has to go fast home...as his mom did not reply on phone. Everything was ok in the end. 

I asked him why his girlfriend cannot help, it is so simple just to find out what happened to the old lady...He said that this is so.

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart nothing good has come of you spending time with your dad love... I really think you need to put what YOU want first for a change...

----------


## Paula

Hey, how are you doing?

----------


## selena

Thank you. I'm slowly and sometimes with difficulties passing through the end of this horrible year (except London trip). 

My dad has not got in touch with me so far. Unfortunately, you and some other even unknown people got more interest about my life/my day than him.

----------


## Suzi

That's really sad. He's missing out on the most lovely, intelligent, kind woman who he should be proud to call a daughter. Please tell me that you're not planning on going to live with him?  You deserve better, you know that!

----------


## selena

No, not going to do anything yet, it is a very serious decision.

----------


## Mira

Good idea, give yourself some time to find your own way. That would be a better starting point to see what you want to do.

----------


## Suzi

It is, and you are worth so much more!

----------


## Mira

How are you doing? And I was wondering if you have plans for christmas and new year?

----------


## selena

Slowly, but fine, thanks.

No plans besides attendance of maybe a concert. Everybody with the family here.

----------


## Suzi

Do you have friends who are on their own too?

----------


## selena

Most (from a few) are single, but they have parents and/or siblings, so not completely single.

----------


## Suzi

But could you join one of them if you wanted? 
Or do something completely different? When I was at uni I volunteered at a homeless center and actually I had a brilliant Christmas....

----------


## selena

The thing is that most of people here celebrate Christmas on another date (Russian Christmas like a way to define it), but December 25 is an official holiday.

As for volunteering, I am afraid no places for 'concrete' volunteering, although every year I leave some food for old people at the Catholic local center.

----------


## Suzi

That's really kind of you x

----------


## Mira

Hi Selena, I have been thinking of you and hope you are doing ok. You are such a special person  :(bear):

----------

selena (25-12-19)

----------


## Paula

I hope youre able to have a peaceful day today, lovely

----------

selena (25-12-19)

----------


## selena

Thank you.

Yes, a quite peaceful day anyway. 

I have been today to church and saw a friend in the morning.

----------


## Suzi

So glad that you're having a lovely day hunni x Happy Christmas!

----------

selena (25-12-19)

----------


## Flo

Hope you've had a good day Selena...is it snowy where you are??

----------


## selena

Not really...a very warm winter this year indeed.

But I am glad because I am feeling like I hate winter this year.

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  Your photos on FB look lovely hunni. Looks like you've been having a really peaceful day...

----------

selena (25-12-19)

----------


## selena

Happy New Year to everybody!

I must admit the period of Christmas- New Year holiday has been very tough for me.

I am very low again and cried all my tears, missing my mom and having regrets. I think I should see the doctor as soon as she returns from holiday and I get my wage.

----------


## EJ

I’m sorry that you have been feeling bad. I do empathise with you Selena x

----------

selena (01-01-20)

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------

selena (01-01-20)

----------


## selena

I am not really practicing Christian (attending the service once per month just in the memory of my mom).

Now feeling confused about all this religious stuff, if I can imagine a prayer, I would pray just no more losses for me, as anyway I do not want to be the third after my grandma and mom (too soon in a row). I can get that everybody is going to die one day, but everything seems to me chaotic now.

----------


## Paula

Why do you think youll be the third?

----------


## selena

My mental condition and superstitions...it seems like a fear, a fear of being cursed...

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart you have depression and you have anxiety - none of that is going to end your life lovely..... What superstitions? Why on earth would you think you are cursed?

----------


## selena

I think certain things are caused by some people meeting me and wondering a lot about losing both my mum and grandma one after each other (but they acually know nothing about my family). 
And it is also due to that I had to deal alone with all grief and my mother's anxiety prior to her death.
These images are hunting me again and again. I am feeling low and useless because I cannot overcome this by myself and I'm all in tears again and again ...

----------


## EJ

Dear Selena you are grieving and some of what you are feeling is natural. I have recently had feelings about death too as three people that I have known have died recently and I have to go to two funerals in January. I am a Christian and God would not want us to suffer and worry about our own mortality. He loves us Christian or not and wants us to be with him in his kingdom but not yet. You are young and healthy and you will not die yet x

----------

Paula (01-01-20),Suzi (01-01-20)

----------


## Mira

Hi Selena, I am sorry you are going through this. You did go through a lot. And it is coming out. The time your mum was not well was long and that will leave a mark. 

Losing loved ones so close together is not easy for anyone. But do not beat yourself up for not being able to overcome this alone. First thing that comes to mind is that this will take time. So please give that to yourself. And you have depression and anxiety. So going to ask for help is not only 100% ok. It is a great idea. And I would support that.

----------


## Paula

Hunni, are you have counselling?

----------


## Suzi

Hunni, you're being way too harsh on yourself. My brother in law and my Dad passed away within 3 months of each other. That's nothing on my Sister or on me or on anyone else. It is what happens sometimes and it's totally shi(, but it is nothing like a curse. It's the first Christmas and New Year without them standing by your side.... It's totally part of grief to be upset and emotional.... 
Can you get grief counselling love? You've been through so much and you need to understand that what you are feeling is totally expected....

----------


## selena

Thank you everybody for supportive and kind words.

I think I will get an appointment with the specialist who helped me in the first days after her death.

----------


## Suzi

That's a really good idea lovely x

----------


## Paula

Hey, lovely, its been a while. How are you?

----------


## Suzi

I too was wondering how you are doing too...

----------


## selena

Thank you. I am active at work, but sincerely I am still very depressed and anxious because of my mom's loss.

----------


## Jaquaia

That's understandable lovely. Are you having counselling?

----------


## Suzi

It hasn't been long love. Give yourself time. You've had 2 serious losses in a short space of time. Grief takes time.

----------


## selena

You are perfectly right, but it is still very hard.

I am still waiting for my wage to go to the private specialists.

----------


## Suzi

I know it's hard lovely... I hope it all goes through to the private specialist soon.

----------


## Paula

Any idea when thatll happen?

----------


## selena

It will be the next week. My boss has been rather nasty again, saying that the employees have no right to drink coffee at work, this they can do home! It seems she will never grasp the lesson of losing while treating badly the people who actually contributed to her gain of money...
My ex colleague, with which I have a rather good relation, confessed that her new job is worse than this one. Not so much choice...
Well, I do my job and that is all...I feel better in the office, because it helps me a little to get away from the bad thoughts and dark melancholy.

But I am feeling I need anyway to try going somewhere abroad for a while, because it will probably never get easier again...

----------


## Suzi

What do you think will never get easier? 
You were thinking of doing something on your own rather than working for someone - is that still an option?

----------


## selena

No...it will be hard to cope in current economic situation in my country.

----------


## Suzi

OK... Are you thinking about going for a holiday or to live? Where?

----------


## selena

I am not sure, but near my dad..at least this. I have to admit that I have failed to an extent, being overwhelmed by suicidal thoughts.

----------


## Suzi

Near your Dad? Why? You've never had anything positive from him love? 

You haven't failed at all! You are poorly and you are grieving....

----------


## selena

I am not feeling here in complete security. 

I do not know...maybe because have no other ideas yet.

----------


## Suzi

You don't feel safe? At risk of hurting yourself or something else?

----------


## Paula

You have definitely not failed. Youve suffered two massive losses and anybody would struggle in your shoes.

----------


## selena

The risk of suffering a massive nervous breakdown and I am afraid of the people like my stepdad trying to call or bother me.

----------


## Suzi

Why do you think they would?

----------


## Paula

Has he been calling you?

----------


## selena

No. thank God.

My mum had been very anxious about it, but the notary assured me all legal papers are in order, so there are no concerns.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry, which legal papers? Divorce papers?

----------


## selena

No, the donation agreement of my mother into which I was mentioned as her only legal heir.

----------


## selena

Now I have panic attacks, because I want to sell the apartment and I should do everything alone.

----------


## Suzi

Is it worth keeping the apartment? At least until you are settled elsewhere?

----------


## selena

I think no...the cost of renting is too low.

----------


## Paula

Sweetheart, breathe. You dont know yet what youre going to do so one step at a time. Youre not alone in this, we are here for you. But we need to know, clearly, what youre thinking, lovely

----------


## selena

I have been passing through a hard time, when I often see my mum in a dream...like she were alive.

But I decided to take a city break this spring and visit Paris for a few days.

----------


## EJ

I think that seeing your Mum is all part of the grieving process. I would often see my Mum ( deceased) in a dream talking and moving about. Unfortunately she had died.

----------


## OldMike

I too see mum and dad in my dreams even though many of years have passed.

----------


## Suzi

I agree, I think it's part of the grieving process too... 

I also think the idea of a short city break sounds brilliant.

----------


## selena

My boss made some reforms in the way of payment and everybody is in minus anyway. I am less affected than the others because I am a sworn translator, but still affected...

After these reforms, I have got one thing: that I can afford only one trip for sure. Yes, I am willing to relocate, but there are some things to do and think carefully. 

A trip to my dad seems to be too expensive as there are no direct flights and it will be hard for me to stay in the same flat with his mum. 

So if he can send me the money, it is good, then he will have to wait.

I decided to choose Paris because I wanted to visit it for a long time and also there is a man who I want to see there.

----------


## Paula

A man? Where did you meet him?

----------


## selena

I wrote about him (just a little!) last autumn.

I met him in internet (although not on a dating site). There is a distance between us. 
We started communicating around two months before my mom's death. He found kind and supportive words. No promises (related to love) from his side. There is some chemistry between us, but the distance made it hard. The communication has not been so regular.
He told me he can show me the city, accompany me. That is all for now...

----------


## Suzi

Do you only know that one man? 
Would you expect promises of love when you aren't in regular contact? Will be be careful?

----------


## selena

There are no other connections in Paris.

No, but I confess that after my mom's death I had been over emotional and told his some stupid things. He said he likes me too, but stopped me, saying that he is unwilling to profit of my condition. 
He promised he will meet me at the airport and will be by my side if I come.

----------


## Suzi

Just please be careful because he could be anyone....

----------


## selena

I have mixed feelings about it...
Of course, I will be careful...

There is nothing to complain really about...but I wish he were more attentive.
He was delighted first, but a little sceptical about the distance between us.

There is also a kind of my "inner conflict".

In my country, there is more traditional principle "the man should pay nearly for everything". And my local friends probably will be upset, if it is not the case.

I was raised only by my mom and rather independent myself regardless of the difficulties. That is true that internet relationship and/or friendship can turn to be different in reality.

I think that the woman should pay herself for accomodation and feeling comfortable about it.

I do not know however about the local city transport fees, food expenses or charges for visiting a certain place (like museum). 
I do not feel comfortable to ask anyone. If it was a female friend, I would say I return if I don't have this sum or on my card. 

But I cannot stay silent, if he suggests something and I cannot pay or it will be for me too expensive.

----------


## Suzi

I think it depends. If you are going at his invitation then I'd expect him to at least pay some, if not all. But if you are going on a holiday and meeting up with him for a day or so then no, I would expect you to pay.  If you don't have the money for something then you should be able to say that you can't pay for it. Anyone who cares about you should understand and not be difficult about it. You don't have to spend money to spend time with someone and get to know each other.

----------


## selena

It is just a short city break and of course I will tell the truth if something.

The thing is that I had planned a trip to Paris even before starting communicating with him. But it became impossible last year. 

Spring time is fine for me.

----------


## selena

This evening I have been really upset of the words told by one of my local friends, or better saying "so called friend".

It is sad when people try to make us live the life they want us to or according to their principles.

It is good to be worried about a friend, especially in connection with a man I've got emotionally attached to. 
But in this case there are some borders.

She said that "this man cannot be your destiny/other half because his academic background is lower than yours. Think better about your dad".

I regret revealing to her some things. Ok, he did not attend university, but he has (despite the distance I can assume this) good hands with fixing things and cars, he graduated from a technical college. He cooks well, better than me. He admires my linguistics skills and literary style, I am impressed by his other skills.
That is true I can be wrong or we can just remain friends.
"Think about your dad" - this deeply hurt me. My dad is not hers...and I am not going to be his servant, even if I live in the same house.

----------


## Paula

I agree that education has nothing to do with whether 2 people are suited and to say that someone is somehow less because have different skills and life experiences is wrong. (Ftr, I was a straight A student but never went to university because my life went in a different direction.)

However, its ok to disagree with a friends views on a subject without damaging that friendship - especially as, in this case, shes probably just concerned for your wellbeing

----------


## Suzi

Marc and I have very different academic backgrounds I have good GCSE's, A Levels, A degree, Qualified Teacher Status, further qualifications etc Marc? He has none of those things, but he's one of the smartest guys I know! 

I agree with Paula though I don't think it's worth hurting a friendship over. She obviously cares about you.

----------


## selena

Yes, indeed, she is a very good friend and has been very supportive all time after my mom's death. She is a bit idealist about a parental relationship. However, she told me I am like a sister to her. She is really upset if I am saddened bout something.

She called me this evening and apologized telling that is not so much about education level and she has nothing against him either, just always a bit concerned about me. 

As for the man, he had been by my side (although at distance) after my mom's death, but of course it is more about a kind of romantic connection between us.

Both of them, in fact, do matter to me.

----------


## Suzi

That's a really positive post!  :):

----------


## selena

in fact, I am  very emotional but also anxious due to the upcoming trip.

----------


## Suzi

Have you booked it? When are you going? 

Do you know why you are emotional? Are you still seeing your therapist?

----------


## selena

I am going to do this in the following days (this week). But everything has been planned. 
Either by end of March or beginning of April.

I had a few sessions, but this is again up to my next salary.
I think generally, post-grief, but mostly...about first seeing him in real life...

----------


## Paula

Youve been through a lot, hunni. I think seeing your therapist is wise

----------


## Suzi

I agree...

----------


## selena

About meeting him.... I cannot fake, I am emotional, anxious etc etc....but I am spontaneous, so he will see me as I am.

----------


## Suzi

When are you going?

----------


## selena

On the last Friday of March.

----------


## Suzi

That sounds great, how long are you away for?

----------


## selena

It will be around 4-5 days, just a short city break.

I am struggling with my anxiety and think that he might be upset about me, if finds out about my depression.

----------


## Paula

First, why would he be upset? Second, he doesnt have to know, hunni, youll only just have met

----------


## Suzi

If you do tell him that you have been dealing with depression and he has a problem with it then he isn't the right person for you lovely. It is that simple...

----------


## selena

I have talked to my dad this morning. He so deeply offended and hurt me that I have no words to describe how devastated I am...

----------


## Paula

What happened?

----------


## selena

I was recommended to undergo additional treatment after some complications caused by flu.
Yes, I can borrow from my friend, but I decided to try calling my dad and ask him to borrow some money. I fact, he had never paid anything to me.

But...he started shouting that I have been postponing the sale of my appartment and moving to his place...
Then he told me to sell the flat and thus I can pay anything. That is rather rude. His mother's voice could have been heard too.

I am ashamed to be his daughter.

----------


## Suzi

I'm sorry love... 

What complications and treatments do you have/need? 
I hope you're not planning on moving in with him?

----------


## selena

Fortunately not something quite serious, some respiration problems after flu. I hoped he will suggest one of the medical centers near him, by Baltic Sea side.

But I have never expected such a sense of egoism anyway.

Not now for sure...

----------


## Paula

I hope you decide not to move in with him, lovely, he appears to have only ever caused you pain?

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## selena

No. This time I have been deeply hurt. I do not get why he should rush me to sell the apartment, it is not his property in fact.

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## Paula

The apartment is your security, nobody has the right to force you to give that up

----------


## selena

I got very desperate after this discussion, I even thought that the only people loving me are in Heaven. But, logically thinking, my father showed his true face, he left even his second daughter who was ill in childhood...

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## Suzi

You've never had anything to say about him having a positive influence on your life.... I really think it sounds like you're better off without him - certainly not living with him...

----------


## selena

After this discussion with my dad, I am feeling very low not sure even if I want to see Paris, if I want to see my online man...

I want of course, but I have mental problems, I am affected by Cushings and I am not the smiling flirty girl. He is the opposite - very stable and strong emotionally, fit and very smiling/flirty. I remember the first time skyping with him- his smile seemed to brighten up my whole room and filling my heart with positivism (he is very optimist). 

However, although our connection involves romantic feelings, he seems not to be sure about a very serious relationship and engagements. But he has never lied or promised something unreal about future together etc.

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## Suzi

Hunni, you are putting so much pressure on yourself and on him for this to be a perfect meeting and all romantic. Hunni, you need to be kind and gentle and go with an open mind for friendship - you may get there and hate the way he eats or blows his nose or something....

----------

selena (23-02-20)

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## selena

Your words are so wise, Suzi...

Meanwhile, I was told by a friend to wear mask at the airport and even in the plane.

----------


## Suzi

I think that might be an over reaction! I've friends who live in France and they are travelling around quite normally!

----------


## selena

I've been already disappointed by everything and ill.

Not so much good news...
My dad called me and told me not to go now to his place (I did not even intend!) in order not to kill him and his mom with coronovirus. 

Here the people are in panic and a nurse told me if the situation does not change, it will be better for me to remain there where I intend to go.

----------


## Suzi

That's ridiculous of him! Sweetheart you deserve so much better than him! I'm so angry that he thinks it's OK to say things like that to you! 

Do you have many cases of coronavirus near you?

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## selena

Not a case officially registered, but people fear it could be, because some many local people work in Italy.

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## Suzi

Sweetheart I'm sorry, but really this isn't something that you have to put your life on hold for....

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## Paula

Sorrry, Im going to be blunt. This outbreak is an important world event, yes, but flu kills (according to WHO) up to 650,000 a year. So, imho, as you wouldnt put your life on hold for a flu outbreak, why should you for this Coronavirus, which has killed a tiny fraction of these numbers?

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## selena

I feel the need to relocate...somewhere...for some time after losing my mom and grandma one after each other. Too fast and I cannot be strong anymore.

Sometimes I regret of not having booked this trip to the UK, at least I have friendly people there.

This man, he offered me some support, kindness, tenderness. But maybe I am wrong...it is not enough...but what to expect from him, since he is a Tunisian and Muslim....

I am feeling so guilty because I criticized him, but only now I read his message and he saved me a couple of times from suicidal thoughts after my mom's death.

He is hard-working and caring and I like this. Of course, that he was by my side after my mom's death. The day of her funeral- I will never forget, I returned broken and he did everything to make me feel better, his mom's birthday was on that day.
We started communicating some time before. And my mom approved him despite his religion.

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## Paula

Breathe, calm down. You are overthinking this. Paris is beautiful, youll have a wonderful time. And we all take risks when it comes to relationships, you wont know if anything is to come of this unless you meet him - so go, and find out!

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selena (01-03-20)

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## Suzi

Paula's totally right!  :):

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## selena

I am very anxious...we have here mass hysterics, fights, thefts and more contamination cases...

----------


## Suzi

I can understand the anxiety.... All you can do is take reasonable precautions and be sensible I think. You don't have things like severe heart disease or respiratory disease?

----------


## selena

No.

We will stay here closed (no work) till April 1.

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## Suzi

You shouldn't be in one of the "high risk" categories - well not the ones we've been listed... As long as you are sensible then you should be OK from what I understand...

----------


## selena

As you know, my mom died in September 2019.

After this, I have been talking to a man who I had got to know some time before and actually mommy blessed this choice before her death.

His presence, even at distance, encouraged me to go further. Yes, we have passed through some moments of uncertainty too.

By the end of January, I paid for a city break in Paris, just a few days. Several days at the hotel (I wanted to be independent and paid for myself) and flight to Paris. The return flight has not been luckily paid due to some other reasons.

Meanwhile, some weeks ago I started to have bad nightmares with my mommy very concerned and crying at me: "I died so that you can go on and live!" I cried again and again, because this started hunting me nearly every night. Then I saw myself getting out of the dirt and not even touching dirty surfaces of land.

I wanted to book the trip on March 7, closer to my birthday, but thought it to be a bit cold, so changed my mind and booked on March 27.

The nightmares stopped when the flights were prohibited. Yes, many told me I've been lucky not to get stuck there.

Now in self-isolation in my native city till May 15. The number of cases is increasing, but there are recovery cases too. He is in Paris, has stopped working today, I am worried for him either, but now we can meet only by late autumn. I question myself about the future of our relationship. I am afraid that he can break it, although no signs. While I am in a financial loss. My mistake, and not trying to be egoist, just feeling lack of his attention....sometimes I am angry with him.

I am not depressed or suicidal now, but pretty anxious, have not been admitted even to the cemetery, everything closed.

----------


## Suzi

Hunni, are you still talking to him? 
What relationship do you want to have with him? 
Is it because you have feelings for him or just because he's someone you are talking to?

----------


## selena

Yes, he stopped working yesterday and I feel that he is a bit anxious. He recognized this, asked me to stay indoors so much as I can. 

More skypping, more....but he has become upset after the last events and I can understand it.

I have feelings for him...he likes me too (I guess so), he is rather calm and generally avoid to show his anxiety.

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## Suzi

It is hard on everyone. Upset? Because of the lockdowns?

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## selena

Yes and  I guess the crisis related to this.

Today a friend called me and told that somebody told her that there are thousands of infected people, the numbers are higher and that 3-4 people on one hospital bed. Everyday she does something to get me more into panic, not purposely, she is very much afraid herself.

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## Paula

Hunni, that friend is not being a friend to you ....l

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## Suzi

Hunni, you need to ask her to stop telling you this stuff. That is not helpful to anyone and I highly suspect that esp that bit about the hospital beds is complete rubbish.

----------


## selena

Yes, I will tell her and I do not know why she is doing this.

The police announced it is fake and the people spreading fake news and creating purposely panic alert will be charged with criminal offences or get fines.

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## Suzi

I'm glad that the police are treating it seriously. It's so dangerous.

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## selena

The number of infected people is increasing in my place too, some people refuse to obbey and get out for a barbecue, the others are in panic.

My online date has supported me with kind words so far. He told me just to stay calm -we will meet especially because we have been communicating pretty long so far and in order to stay calm, I can just imagine we are together.

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## Suzi

Is that how he feels too? Are you just in romantic communication with each other?

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## selena

Yes (actually I cannot guess). Yes and I know it is very stupid, but the idea of being even in a distant couple helps me to overcome anxiety and fears especially being alone in the house during not the best times.

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## Suzi

Why do you think that's stupid? I know couples who have met online and are happily married with children... If it's meant to be then it will be....

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selena (24-03-20)

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## selena

Yes, simply some people tried to make me think negatively.

By the way, my dad called me and tried to blame that I didn't come earlier and now it's unknown because it will not happen soon for sure!

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## Paula

Oh no  :(:  thats not fair of him! Could you refuse to take his calls?

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## selena

Yes, he anywhere has seldom called me. But it got me upset.

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## Suzi

I'm not surprised it upset you. It's all he ever seems to do! I really don't think you going to him is a good idea at all!

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## selena

Today was the day of my expected visit to Paris, so I created a video at night.

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## Paula

How are you doing?

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## selena

Generally, I am fine but of course should go out for shopping and other things basic things.  Still in lockdown.

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## Suzi

I'm glad you're OK. I hope that you're taking all the right precautions like washing your hands lots! 
So sorry you haven't got to go to Paris....

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## selena

Yes, my skin is already dry and wounded, but I take care each time...and even more...

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## Suzi

Can you use moisturiser? I'm having to and I think lots of other people are finding the same..

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## selena

Yes indeed, the one I have is going to end soon...but this way can help a bit with a dry skin.

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## Suzi

I think that's all any of us can do...

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## selena

I have received a kind of good surprise these days...

My dad sent me some money...first time ever in my life (although it was me who pointed out that I am in a bit tough situation provoked by corona economic crisis). 
He said actually it wasn't only him, but a half was donated by his Latvian girlfriend. That her impact was major, as his mom advised him first not to send anything as all institutions (comprising banks) can steal it. He pointed out that they are on lockdown too and that's all for now, anyway I didn't expect anything generally.

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## Suzi

That is a good thing! It's about the least he can do after being so horrible to you...

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## Paula

Wow, thats great!

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## selena

I am very concerned about the situation at work.

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## Suzi

What's the situation?

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## selena

She wants us to go back to work. Yes, she got authorization, but I see no reason to work full-day and generally there have not been any translations so far.

But if I did not accept, it is a bit risky now, she can deny any further cooperation. She does not take corona seriously, making jokes on this topic, that this is a season flu and people are cowards. But the number of cases is constantly growing.

Her protections measures for each office (undetermined period): 
2 masks with multiple use;
1 pair of gloves for multiple use (never heard before);
gel (1 l).

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## Stella180

Can you not work from home?

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## selena

I can work from home and actually I have had a very few translations so far. And we are not paid for staying in the offices. She is a very difficult person and with the years she has got even more hard to cope with, for ex.putting her portray in each office etc. 

Basically, I have 2 options: 

1. To reject this order (nobody can force me), but there is a risk of breaking up any ties;

2. To risk and go there.

I have a reason, having a rather high insulin resistance score (HOMA-IR). She is not right at all.

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## Stella180

You’ve told her this?

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## selena

Not yet...I am going to, but I am really anxious indeed because I know her, so not expecting much success.

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## Suzi

Talk to her, tell her what's going on and see what she says. If you feel that you have no choice but go in then ask for protective clothing, hand sanitiser etc...

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## selena

Well, on a good side, my boss has given me one more week. It is very hard time indeed for many people, for me it is hard psychologically. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed with painful memories (they might be good ones), related to my mom and grandma. I haven't overcame the tough grief period yet. My dad could behave in the future not exactly good, maybe, but moving to Latvia or at least visiting him now seems a kind of refugee of my despair and suicidal thoughts.

The guy I have been talking to...hasn't replied to me for around 10 days. No, I don't blame him, and unfortunately it is not the first time. He was unwilling maybe to have a LDR, yes, that is his choice. Maybe he is depressed too, he has confessed to me many things and of course trusted me and this will remain between us.
Maybe he hasn't lost anybody and cannot get my grief, but that was not nice of him at all to ignore my messages . He is not guilty I have lost some money, but it is unfair to be a coward.

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## Suzi

Glad you've got more time for your boss, but under your lockdown could you go to work anyway? 
Sweetheart, it's all still raw for you with grief. You lost your Grandma and your Mum very quickly together. So it's going to take time. 
If you want to spend some time with your Dad then please think very carefully about moving with him without at least spending time with him while you still have your home you can return to..... 

I'm sorry the guy hasn't replied, but before you judge him harshly, remember you don't know what's going on for him. He might be ill, he might be struggling, he might have friends/family who are ill etc.... What money have you lost? He might not be a coward, it seems a little harsh to judge him like that when you don't know what's going on....

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selena (21-04-20)

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## selena

Yes, I can work online from home and I have done a few translations so far.  But actually a very few offers...I don't get my boss's conception that the situation is not serious, she is so weird, because nobody expected such a disaster. She received the authorization for the employees for work, if policemen ask.
Regarding my dad, I think you are right and it will be better to spend some time there before taking a final decision.

I mean the money for trip, although I have been lucky not to buy the return ticket and maybe the flight company will return something till the end of this year. 
Yes, I know I can judge him harshly, it is such a hard period now and only time will tell.

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## Paula

Im so sorry this man hasnt replied, love, but Suzis right, you dont know what situation hes in. I do hope you hear from him soon

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selena (21-04-20)

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## selena

I overcame the panick attacks and partially fears. I have been in the office for 2 weeks, although not too many people around. We have protection measures. The number of translations is slowly increasing day by day. The situation has not improved too much, but people return to work and more will return in the middle of May.

My dad called me again...I don't know, I thought he might be sincere this time, but who knows...

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## Suzi

Well done for overcoming the panic attacks lovely. Are you seeing your therapist again? What did your Dad call about?

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## selena

No, they do not make appointments now. 

My Dad just told me he would like to see me when it becomes possible, without loud voice, just normally talking to me.

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## Paula

Thats good to hear, lovely

----------


## Suzi

How are you feeling about your Dad?

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## selena

I have mixed feelings...

From one side, I want to move there because I liked Latvia (not sure about permanent living and working, but still...) and I have very harsh days here. 
But I know him very badly, living with him...not sure.

A friend suggested to visit him again when it becomes possible, talking to him and to see what he will propose.

And even if our connection becomes stronger, I doubt I can say one day that I love him...He is a kind of stranger to me.

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## Suzi

I agree with your friend, go and spend a couple of weeks with him and see what things are like. You don't have to move in with him permanently - you could choose to move to Latvia but not with him?

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## selena

Probably yes, in case I can be financially independent; as for my registration in the capacity of permanent resident based on family reintegration - this is up to him.

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## Suzi

But why decide to move permanently if you don't know you'll like it?

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## Paula

I think youre jumping ahead several stages, lovely. Go and visit him, see if you like the country, the environment and him before even starting to think about whether it could work

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Stella180 (09-05-20),Suzi (09-05-20)

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## selena

I have been back to work for nearly a month soon, the number of translations is slightly increasing. The situation has slightly improved, but not the number of new cases of coronavirus. The most of patients passed it easily. The problem is that a part of the local people think the new virus is just a kind of flu, underestimating the general protection measures.
My local friend has given me a gift - a mask made for me matching with my eyes. She is a seamstress, but after the coronavirus outbreak she had started to make masks: some of them are free of charge - for hospitals, medical staff and patients and some are with a special design for a certain fee. 
Generally, I have got calmer, but sometimes I cope with panic attacks.

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## Suzi

It's good that cases etc are calming for you. A kind present from your friend, make sure you wash it every day you use it...

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## selena

Yes, it is designed for multiple use.

Unfortunately, not in the best mood, because still an unpredictable situation.
No flights and travelling till July. Latvia is coping much better, they partially adopted the Swedish model, but with more restrictions. The death rate is rather low but people comply more with the rules.

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## Paula

Are you really that desperate to get out of the country?

----------


## selena

Not exactly forever, but willing to get somewhere abroad, to get some relax somewhere far away from the occurred tragedies.

As for final decision, not sure yet...

----------


## Paula

When were you hoping to go? And where?

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## selena

I thought of seeing my Dad. It will be better in summer time or September, it is rather cold there in late autumn and winter. But I doubt I can afford this year in this season exactly, there are no direct flghts either and it is hard to make an exact plan by now.

Regarding my lost trip to Paris, the flight company contacted me some time ago and informed that my flight has been rescheduled for November. So I can go for a few days and book direct flight back, if there is no other coronavirus outbreak this year.

I am a bit frustrated as I cannot fix any dates now.

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## Suzi

I think everyone is in the same position all over the world. I know lots of my friends have had their holidays cancelled - my own daughter had her residential school trip to Rome cancelled and they can't reschedule.. We were told here not to expect to be going abroad this year...

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## selena

Yes, there is some hope.

I don't know about Paris, but visit to my Dad with 4 different flights...I can lose more money and he can wait till next year, if I am not ready financially due to the world situation. I think he cannot put the blame on me this time.

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## Suzi

Hunni, he shouldn't be blaming you for going anyway! It's your choice!

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## selena

I haven't written for a while, thank God overcame a rather horrible month of June.

First, my cat fell ill, it is related to renal problems and I have never dealth with it before. So I changed one vet and now the things seem to be finally better.
Then, my boss got very mad again and unwilling to pay people on time. But the other local agencies' situation is even worse. So I kept silence for a while, then told her that I if the situation becomes insupportable psychologically, I will not be able to normally work in such a toxic environment. She replied that it is "shameful for young and pretty women to be depressed". In the end, she agreed that time to make the ambiance easier or maybe she was afraid I will go to my dad (of course she is unaware of the details of my relation with him).

As for my dad, from one side, he understood that the current situation does not depend of me, but, at the same time, he made me feel guilty that I was not able to be there at his 65th birthday. Although he calmed down, our connection is poor and he is callng me less than before and I doubt I will be able to get to his place this year. There are many reasons for this, and no direct flights.

A local friend supported me that time too, although she is mostly with her parents in the south of country. Anyway, she is the only person who knows about my mental struggle without judging or blaming me, here many people cannot grasp the real meaning of mental illnesses.
As to the medication topic, the doctor advised me just to increase the valium dosage in critical periods.

I am also feeling happier because my online boyfriend reconnected with me. He revealed he has also been coping with strong psychological moments since the closure of everything in France, but now the things seem to have got back to normal there. I wondered because he is often smiling, he said that smiling does not mean the lack of any inner mental struggles, it is just his psychological type.

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## Suzi

It's good to see you! 
Glad that things are better with your cat.
Sorry about your boss, but this is something she does all the time. I'm glad you stood up to her. Are you looking around for alternative employment? 

You couldn't get to your Dad's for his birthday because of a global pandemic. He had no right to make you feel guilty! It wasn't exactly something you could control! It shows exactly what kind of person he is.... 

I'm really glad you've opened up to a friend and finding them supportive and non judgemental. That's so important. 
When did you last see your Dr? Are you only taking valium? What dosage are you taking a day? 

So glad he was able to reconnect with you - it's difficult to understand why he completely shut off without saying anything to you....

----------

selena (26-07-20)

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## selena

Now nearly 0 alternative jobs or with much less wage, many different agencies generally closed or stopped their activity. 

On his birthday day, after we exchanged a few words, he promised to call me back, but no signs yet...

I talked to Dr.by phone or online basis. She advised 10 mg/ 3 times per day, but at the same time asked to slow down or even not taking it at all in some days, if possible. Yes, only this medication.

----------


## Paula

I didnt realise you were only taking Valium. Im afraid I assumed (which I should never do) that you were on anti depressants. Is there a reason why you dont take ADs? Hunni, having been on Valium long term, I know that in the UK our doctors really dont like us taking them - they are extremely addictive and usually would only be used for very short term issues

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## selena

I know, so I guess that is the reason the doctor is afraid of addiction too, asking me not to take it the whole week. Before New Year, the local GP considered additional tests to see, if I can "freely" take ADs. 
When I was ready for tests, the pandemic began. The medical centers do not work normally work here (now) due to pandemic, so in case of urgent help, the people are headed to emergency unit or go themselves. My country is still in red zone unfortunately.

----------


## Stella180

So hang on....you need to be tested to see if you can take ADs but they are happy to dish out Valium like sweeties? That doesn’t make any sense to me.

----------


## Paula

Im just surprised, given how long youve been struggling with depression, that the local GP is only now considering ADs. Do you know what tests they needed to do?

----------


## selena

Not sure, I thought she was thinking of allergies, but she told me it is mainly related to kidney/liver function.

She is not considered too competent anyway, but local specialists generally avoid to prescribe ADs.

----------


## Suzi

Do you know why they try to avoid anti d's?

----------


## selena

Not sure, but they said based on my previous liver tests (ultrasound and family history).

----------


## Suzi

Could you try to get back and see them and see if they would consider it rather than valium only which is so addictive.

----------


## Paula

Im with Suzi - Valium is not the best option for anybody imho

----------


## selena

I have never felt so frustrated in my life.
A year passed since my mom's death, life goes on. Although the pandemic situation is hard in my place, the professional activity had not stopped and even improved. 

But I am feeling low and really willing to change location for a while, I cannot even take a holiday to nearby countries.

My Dad has called me these days and yes, he told me he understands my current situation and that is hardly possible to travel anywhere. He had left his part-time job in order to take care of his old mother. His girlfriend is not involved too much. However, he asked me if that is really impossible for me to take a bank loan and leave to the bank my apartment. For this, it is a big NO. Then he told me he expects me next year there and that I will  live together with him.
Besides my depression, there are many questions here. 

I know Latvia is better than my country in legal and medical systems. But I should start everything really from the beginning. Maybe I am lazy, I don't know, but I don't want to learn one more language and to lose my time. Dating? About the same opportunities as in my country, as most of Latvians had gone abroad in the other European countries. 

When I had been unemployed in my country and asked them to remain there (around 7 years ago), they refused not to spend money on me. Each time he calls me, he insists he cares about me and I should live with him. I am not sure at all...if he lived in a country which language I could speak to a certain extent, I would consider this without any hesitations.  I am not feeling good here, but my house is my safe place. My mom's friend said that is complicated and it would be nice for him to stay for a while at my place, like on visit or vacation. Because there is a risk I will not be able to live with him there. And sorry for what I am saying, I care a bit about him, but I don't love him.

----------


## Suzi

Oh sweetheart, I'm sorry things are difficult. I have to say that from an outsiders point of view I think moving in with your Dad is a terrible idea....

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selena (26-09-20)

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## Paula

Im with Suzi, and Im especially considered hes asked you to mortgage your home for his benefit.....

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selena (26-09-20),Suzi (26-09-20)

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## Strugglingmum

Selena maybe you need to really think about what you want, instead of being pulled in directions by other people. 
Think about where YOU would like to live, what language you would like to be speaking everyday, where would be best for you to find work and where would you have the best chance of living the life you want to live, socially,  financially, scenery you want to look at every day etc. 
Once you figure out what you want then you know your direction.

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Paula (26-09-20),selena (26-09-20),Suzi (26-09-20)

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## selena

Hi, just wanted to say thank you to all members who have supported me so far...actually for long time. I am attached to all of you!!!You have been my rock.

Wishing the best! And sorry if I don't always read and/or reply to your threads!

Feeling guilty, useless, depressed...this often and due to this...

----------


## Paula

Hunni, its a difficult time right now, so its bound to hurt. Youre not useless, love....

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  :(bear):  :Panda:

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## selena

Hi, I know I am feeling guilty to complaint and to come here with bad news...
Travelling brings me some relief but now it is hardly possible...

I have been working for days and nights the last month and I have achieved a good professional succes and career in my country so far, but I failed in my private life.

Without giving any details and proving myself even more miserable than I am, what had helped some of you recover after a break up?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Time, a good cry, friends to tell me how wonderful I am and too good for him, a new hobby. 

Not being able to travel at the moment is horrible,  especially for someone who gets such a buzz from it. 
You work so hard and are so clever, I'm glad you have acknowledged your success, be proud of it.... you deserve to be proud of all you have achieved. 

You have not failed in your personal life. You have spent the past years looking after your mum through illness, you have been grieving and adjusting to life without this important person in your life..... that is not failing.
You may not have a significant other in your life right now but that is not failing, that is a season of your life which we have all been through.i know the longing of waiting to find the love of your life but enjoy the hobbies you can, enjoy your friends, take time to see the beauty around you. 
Being in a relationship does not guarantee happiness or a fairy tale ending, the important thing is to be able to fill your life with the things you enjoy. You are so much more than a relationship Xx

----------

Paula (16-10-20),selena (16-10-20)

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## Paula

A relationship ending is not failure - its just a part of life. Very, very few people get through life without having relationships breaking down. In my case, if I hadnt have been in my first marriage, I probably wouldnt have kept in touch with Si all those years, and now Im married to my soul mate.

And SM is spot on, only time heals

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selena (16-10-20)

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## selena

I have had an online boyfriend (NO MORE ONLINE DATING if he is far away).

Our communication has been very good, for nearly a year or so. Once he pointed out that the problem is distance between us. That was back in January. He supported me a lot after my mom's death, having given his warmth. He liked me as a woman too. My mom got to have known him before her death, not in real life, but she gave her blessing. He also has been very much impressed with her life that she had raised me alone...

So I told him I can relocate anywhere, no problem and I like the place he lives (apparently!). I even applied online for an assessment to be registered for Master's degree at the local university there only to be with him...and to my surprise, they replied I can follow Master or Ph.D. studies there! 

So, I bought a ticket, but corona changed my plans....The flight in March had been annulled. And I accumulated more debts on lockdown, he got depressed too.

We restarted our communication in summer. It was very beautiful, I mean he is not ideal, but his attitude was not bad at all!

I did not know if I can visit him in autumn, although my flight had been apparently rescheduled.

Then our communication stopped, he hasn't replied to my messages anymore....I accidentally saw his pic with another woman, I've got everything. And I decided to cut everything between us, because he has already blocked me too on one of his accounts, not secretly following him behind other persons....It is a bit more than a week. It is hard, but I decided to leave with my head up and dignity. Although everything is bleeding with sorrow inside of me.

This evening I have broken in tears and called my Dad. Nothing special...
I just told him about my online relationship...briefly. But his reply put me down: "Yep, unpleasant...but...damn...I wanted you to relocate here by my side, staying by my side, not with that man somewhere else. If he returns to you, then I will remain without my daughter with me."

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## Stella180

Selena why would you call your Dad when you are feeling down? It’s obvious he’s only going to make things worse. As for the “relationship”, well that’s not really what it was. You were in love with the idea of being in a relationship, but for that to happen you meet the other person, spend time with them to know that you are compatible. What you had was a pen pal. You got away lightly, imagine you had travelling half way across Europe to be with this man in March? Covid did you a favour. If you want to date you have to get up and go out and meet people. People that live close enough to make spending time together regularly a possibility and get to know them.

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selena (16-10-20)

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## Suzi

Hunni, I know we've talked about all this. I'm glad you're talking here. You might get other opinions which would be great  :O:

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selena (16-10-20)

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## selena

I don't know, I am feeling very alone now...I cannot even go to Romania for a holiday in mountains because there are many recommendations against it.

And I am feeling like being closed in a trap, my 2 best friends are in the other cities, we can communicate online but obviously less, we cannot go for a walk around.

And maybe I wanted his pity, I wanted his opinion and support of a senior man, a Dad...but I was shocked to hear that he wanted me there by his side first, not thinking about my life.

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## Paula

Selena, over all the years Ive known you, all youve ever really talked about is escaping/moving countries. Maybe the appeal of this man was simply that he gave you the opportunity to leave?

As for your dad, IMO a parents role is to ensure their child has the means to make their own life, independent of parents, not to spend their life pandering to mum or dad.

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Suzi (17-10-20)

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## selena

For Paula - no, I liked him as a man and his attitude too. In this case, I think I would be glad just being together with him, regardless of the country.

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## Suzi

But hunni, as I've said to you privately, your Dad only ever treats you as if you are his and you have to do as he says or he isn't interested in you, certainly doesn't take an interest in your life or your hopes and dreams. 
RE the man in France - hunni, I understand that you had a connection with him, but love did he ever suggest to you that he came to see you, rather than you making the journey to him? I also have to point out that you travelling to see someone in another country is REALLY risky. You do not know that he is who he says he is. It's really easy to be someone you aren't online...... You could be travelling into complete danger.

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selena (17-10-20),Stella180 (17-10-20)

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## selena

I have taken a holiday leave scheduled for beginning of November, but my first CBT appointment is scheduled for next week. 

I hope it helps.

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## Suzi

I'm really glad you're doing this.

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## Strugglingmum

A nice break from work sounds lovely.  All the best for starting your cbt.

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## selena

I have had my first CBT session today. I will have one more this week and then more the upcoming weeks.

I have been emotional and even cried, but she said I am actually not being weak at all, because I managed to stand up before my Dad and boss.

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## Suzi

I'm glad she's saying the same as what we have been. Well done lovely. Be kind to you this afternoon.

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## Paula

Well done, hunni

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## selena

Hi, just wanted to say I have taken a small holiday and therapy has been going well so far, I talked to my dad and told him what I think....and I have been finally heard, like in case with my boss before!

I was encouraged to write a diary too and I just accepted some harsh things.

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## Paula

Well done talking to your dad, hunni

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## Strugglingmum

Glad you got a holiday and that therapy is going well.

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## Suzi

That's brilliant, well done. What kind of harsh things have you accepted?

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## selena

I accepted the reality, that I have to wait, because I have been struggling with a lot of mood swings and panic attacks. Travelling was an option before, but not now.

Also about my onine friend, I've got that I took too seriously our communication. We have had a connection, but even he mentioned there is a distance between us. So I have got the point about LDR relationships, no more. Actually, he boosted my confidence in positive way more than my dad and other close people, having accepted me as I am and stating I am beautiful, courageous and smart. He messaged me some days ago, I did not reply first, but then I saw his message, he asked me if I am fine and told me to take care of myself, just being polite. I told him I am fine, not to worry too much about me (without mentioning my mental struggle).
Now I am not ready for any relationship, but my psychologist told me I should recover first, because I had had nearly zero counselling after my grandma's and mom's death. And after I could calmly decide anything in any aspects, not only private life, I can decide something and he emphasized that people can be happy either single, either with someone, or either in Europe, Asia etc etc.

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Flo (01-11-20)

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## Paula

Your psychologist sounds very wise. Im glad theyre helping you see things differently

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## Strugglingmum

Your psychologist sounds fabulous.  I'm glad it seems to be going well with him

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## Suzi

Your psychologist sounds brilliant and speaks a lot of sense....

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## selena

Such a hard week for me after a nice one week break ...As some of you know, my dear cat unexpectedly died.

I also had a conflict with my boss immediately after my return back to work on Monday. My last office where I was expected to work has no heating and no windows. I decided to stand up for myself, especially because I am the only sworn translator from English in the company. These conflicts are hard for me, but I decided to defend my rights, even in difficult crisis time. I wrote to her, no clear reply, so I left a brief message where I stated that I am not going to endure cold and I will quit office in some minutes. My condition was clear: either she provides a normal office, either I will work from home. I don't know how I managed, but I stood up for myself, although I am very anxious.

It was a big scandal after I left, she said a lot of hurtful things....but she transferred me to the normal quiet office where I am staying now. She then contacted me, but I felt she is insecure because she did not expect from me such actions. I cannot believe it myself...

As for my dear beloved kitty, I have no words, I am still expecting him to come every day I open the door after work...

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## Paula

:Panda:  Im so sorry for your loss, hunni

Well done for standing up for yourself, Im so proud  :):

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selena (13-11-20)

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## Suzi

OMG I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself! That's really amazing! Well done love. I couldn't be prouder of you! 

I'm so sorry about your kitty love. You gave him so much love, care and affection.  :(bear):

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selena (13-11-20)

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## Angie

I'm sorry for your loss sweetie, but well done for sticking up for yourself.

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selena (13-11-20)

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## Strugglingmum

So sorry to hear about your cat. Our animals are our family so of course we mourn for them.  :(bear): 

Well done for knowing your worth and standing up for what's right. You did fantastic.

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selena (13-11-20)

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## selena

My feelings are so mixed now. I have passed, I can say rather successful CBT, but then followed my cat's death. I know that is life, but still deeply sad.

My dad has not mentioned any mortgage allusions so far, just saying they are waiting for me and that my life will be amazing there, a job et....I am for a visit, for a temporary stay, but all my entity screams NO. And I don't love him, I don't really know him, I can fulfill legal promises, but I cannot be his "good" daughter.

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## Mira

This might sound so easy. But if thats how you feel about it then don't. You are ok the way you are. And if your whole entity tells you no then what is there to doubt? Would you even consider doing it? And for whom? For yourself? I doubt that. Would it be for him? Or maybe the vision you have of how you want things to be?

Through the years you have shown all of us what a strong woman you can be. You have a good internal guide. But is it doubt that keeps holding you back? Are you afraid of something?

If you try to listen to your heart more and that in combination with your great intellect you could get some more clarity for yourself.

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Paula (22-11-20),selena (22-11-20),Stella180 (22-11-20),Strugglingmum (22-11-20),Suzi (22-11-20)

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## selena

I think COVID restrictions made everything a bit difficult for me. Of course, it has had an impact more or less on everyone's mental health, not only on mine. 

I think that is general fear of loneliness and death too...There is already some good news about vaccines, so maybe 2021 will be slightly better. 

He has one more daughter from another marriage who he left too. I have never met my half-sister. So he has not been too much involved in her education either. He told me I am his only heir, I can get she lives very far away near China border and that is hard to travel. But the real reason is that she is married (from what I have been told, without children). So I am afraid I am a good candidate because of this. 

But I am TIRED of all last devastating and heartbreaking years. When I told him by accident I had a male penpal, he was upset about it and moaned that he thought I was going to be with him. I am afraid he just wants to play on my feelings and flat tricks.A dad is supposed to be a close person, but not really in this case.
My gut feeling says no for permanent living, just for a temporary stay in the best case. I don't see myself permanently living in Latvia, maybe I am wrong, but that is my gut feeling.

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## Stella180

You don’t owe this man anything. You are a grown woman with your own life to live and if he can’t except that that’s his problem not yours.

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selena (22-11-20),Suzi (22-11-20)

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## Angie

Selena if he wasnt your dad would you even consider going?
You owe it to yourself to do what is right for you and not anyone else.

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selena (23-11-20)

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## Suzi

Mira and Stella and Angie are spot on. This man has never really been a father at all to you love. He's only interested purely and simply because he wants something from you..... It's time to do things FOR YOU.

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Angie (23-11-20),selena (23-11-20)

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## selena

No, I would consider going only for a holiday or for a relax/recovery time and I can barely imagine living with him in the same apartment.


Thank you for your opinions, it helped me a lot.

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## Stella180

Are you sure it would be a relaxing visit? Sounds like all he does is pressure you.

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## selena

No, I am not sure at all.

After my mom's death, he had been stalking me for a year or less...each time asking me when I come to move in with them and why I haven't sold or mortgaged the apartment yet. 
The most important was "moving with him". 
Even my mom told me before her death to think carefully and decide myself after a while what to do next.
So I hadn't been in a hurry. These had been the first months of recovery. My penpal was very supportive, I idealized him of course, but he was attentive and boosted my confidence. So did my local friend, she was in the same city before COVID break. 

I told him some time ago not to put pressure on me. So he was silent about mortgage, but keeps on suggesting living with him.

Yes, Latvia is a nice country (talking about capital and seaside experience there), but I cannot see many advantages of moving there even for some months. Learning new language, basically the same social life as in my place (many men in the range 25-45 work abroad and 0 people I can talk to in real life). It is true that I can idealize some places, but getting some new experience in a country which language I can speak, it will be a better opportunity.
I thought first that if I go to Latvia for relax, my Dad will try to take care of me, to the smallest extent. But I am afraid now, he just wants a caregiver.
,

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## Stella180

I’m sorry Selena but I don’t think, from what you’ve told us about him, that he is capable of putting anyone else’s needs above his own. He’s more interested in what you can give him and that’s not the kind of person you want in your life.

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## Paula

I agree, and I think youre right that he just wants a caregiver

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## Suzi

I absolutely agree with Stella and Paula. Love you need to start living your life FOR YOU. Doing the things that YOU want to do, not what other people want you to do or what you think are expected of you. You are young, you are beautiful and very intelligent. The world is your oyster! Go and travel if you want, go and eat dinner in the restaurants you want etc etc Love, life is too short to be unhappy... Go, be free, follow your CBT and see the world if it's what YOU WANT to do.

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selena (24-11-20)

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## selena

I met this New Year alone due to lockdown, because my closer local friends had been in the other cities or with family. We of course communicated over internet...

I want your opinion. I mean I regret some my feelings, but sometimes I am feeling angry with my dead mother, for example why she had not been more careful about her health on time etc. I know it is useless, just wonder if other people have such feelings too.

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## Suzi

I'm so glad to see you lovely. How was Christmas? 

It's very common to feel angry at someone who has passed on. It's a natural part of the grieving process. Be kind to you lovely....

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selena (01-01-21)

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## Jaquaia

It's perfectly normal to have feelings like that.

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selena (01-01-21)

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## selena

Suzi, Christmas was a bit happier, because I met a friend, I guess.

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## Suzi

I'm glad you met up with a friend. Are you able to meet up with people at the moment?

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## selena

Not so much, closer friends are in the other cities, the others have to comply with restrictions and me too. So I should just have a little bit more patience.

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## Strugglingmum

Happy new year  Selena. Hoping 2021 is a good year for you

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selena (02-01-21)

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## Suzi

Hope it's not long before you get to meet up with them soon lovely x

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selena (02-01-21)

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## Flo

Happy New Year Selena....here's hoping you have a good 2021.

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selena (02-01-21)

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## selena

Thank you for wishes. Sincerely, now I'm on more pessimist wave than on positive one. 

But there is some good news too, I'm feling calmer despite all storms I have recently passed through, maybe due to CBT.  Also, I don't really have any expectations from anyone, in this way I'm feeling more sure about not being hurt again and again.

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## Suzi

I'm glad the CBT is helping lovely. Are you on any antidepressant medication too?

What did you decide about your Father in the end?

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## Paula

Im glad the CBT is helping  :):

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## selena

I talked to him yesterday. He called me to wish Happy New Year. But I had told him before if he starts his pressure, mortgage and related topics, I would switch off.

He did not bring these topics in the discussion, just said he is waiting for me there, willing to see me and willing that I will move there. I said I will visit this year when the situation improves, but cannot take now any fast and maybe inappropriate decisions. He kept on telling that he is actually my family, the only alive parent.

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## Paula

Family is more than biology, hunni

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## Stella180

Parent? Is he having a laugh? He may be your biological father but he’s definitely not had a role in parenting you. He’s just a glorified sperm donor and has no right to call himself your father.

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## Suzi

Hunni, please, please, please carry on standing up to him. Yes he may biologically be your father, but when did he ever actually act like it?

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## selena

I don't know why I have become so weak with him...Maybe because it had been too much in my life: struggle with my boss which in a way I gained, because I stood up in front of her, my dear cat's death, the general crisis around and my inner struggles...

I can get some things, my Dad can have his interests...but tell me please, how a dad must have behaved in such a situation?

I wanted to hear from him something simple and warm, like: " My daughter, come here, you should have some relax and you will get it here. You and/or we will have a walk around, I will take care of you". Maybe I am not right, but I have never heard these words, all around general and practical things from him.

That is why I am missing the man from France, he gave me warmth I had never had...

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## Suzi

You've answered your own question... His thoughts should be FOR YOU. He should have travelled to you if possible because love, you needed him as a father - not someone telling you to sell your home.

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## Paula

I cant really answer that, hunni, as every family is different, every dad/daughter relationship is different. However, every child should be made to feel safe, loved, cared for and respected by their parents.

But, Selena, you cannot look to other men to give you what your father didnt. Its not fair on them and its not healthy for you

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## selena

I want to share a bit of my experience with CBT specialist.

Yes, I am still low, still depressed...But every day I'm feeling calmer and calmer, more and more confident, just going on and moving forward.

Meditation practice helps too. My specialist did help a lot, but  I have reached myself the conclusion: just living and doing what makes me happy, so that I won't have regrets later that I haven't done this or that.

I asked him: " And if this will not take place? If I never reach ideal happiness, peace of heart and mind?"

He replied: " You lost a lot, but you are a winner too. So most of people rarely have everything. But there is always a choice, the most important is doing the things making you happy. Maybe you will have regrets, but the final conclusion is that you have done everything you considered right. Following your life path, not of the others."

I will try to keep on ...

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Strugglingmum (10-01-21)

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## Strugglingmum

I'm so glad you feel calmer and more confident in yourself. That is so positive Selena.

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selena (11-01-21)

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## Suzi

I'm so proud of you. Are you going to continue to see him?

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selena (11-01-21)

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## selena

Yes, a few more sessions.

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## Suzi

Are you having 1 session a week?

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## selena

Yes, now only one.

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## Suzi

Were you having more? How many sessions have you had now?

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## selena

5 so far.

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## Suzi

That's great!

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## Strugglingmum

I'm so glad it's been so positive for you. You're doing so well.

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selena (12-01-21)

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## Mira

Its so good to read how you are doing your best. Yes its a struggle but you are a good person and you deserve good things to happen to you. And that you might find the strength and peace from within. Where the true power lies.

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selena (12-01-21)

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## selena

Unfortunately, not exactly so well as I or you would wish...but there are very positive steps despite my fears and waves of despair.

P.S. About my "unfinished online romance". I decided to cut all ties with my romantic penpal, although we have communicated for a year (with little breaks). I learned the sad lesson and although it has been hard and unfulfilled, him having a major meaning in my life, despite everything. I trusted him and he did the same, having revealed his struggles too. Actually, I had never imagined before that a smiling and rather good-looking man would struggle with depression and insecurities. But actually yes, once he told me " Yes, I am smiling, but sometimes there is a dark inside me." He would never recognize the truth and maybe being ashamed that a depressed man would be considered weak. I know I had been naive and romanticized my online relationship with him, or friendship, but he gave me a lot of warmth after my mom's death. No man boosted my confidence so much as him, in fact no other man treated me as him...This was online and it could have been different in real life, I know. 
Maybe loneliness, maybe because Covid has its rules and in his big city there are more opportunities for dating. He often looked at my pics online etc. Before New Year, he recognized the truth that he has someone else in his life, although we barely communicated for about 2 months, him only once stating how pretty and amazing I am.
I wanted to say a lot, to blame him for being a coward or something else, but I said just that he is still in my heart now. He said he knows, but he got very tired and anxious willing to have something in real life and that I know he has been passing through a hard period...but he did not bury nobody close alone, like me. I know he had a bit of problems with cannabis, happy he is fine now. He lost his job during Covid first lockdown...then found something else, after finally finding more or less good work place.
I said I lost more even financially with this visit, he said he is not against to see me one day.He recognized I am in his heart too and that he started dating because he was depressed...but he cannot do anything now, because he would appear as an idiot before the whole world and he is frustrated. I wished him good luck and strength, to see what he wants himself, because it is not about me, it is just not normally dating someone just because of being depressed. I said there is no point in all this, I am stuck in my small town alone and I don't want to be triggered by this situation or keep on dreaming. So after reciprocal New Year wishes, I decided to remove him from all connection and media means, because it is a bit hard now and it has been too much, along with such events as my cat's death and suicidal thoughts...

My psychologist told me he cannot decide for myself, but agreed my current decision is right. Then I asked if I would want to see this man in real life. He said that even so, my feelings would be different and I will see him differently, even if one day I decide to meet him and to look into the eyes of the man who once saved me in a very dark moment following my mom's death. He praised me too for not interfering, not invading or begging him, he said he did not even expect me to be so wise in my thirties and no contact is the best decision ever.

I also decided to be less on social threads, because there is much content triggering me too. My doctor told me this can be a good decision too, because I can focus more on myself, meditations and maybe travelling will become something real in upcoming summer.

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## Suzi

Sweetheart you deserve so much more than what he was love. You're amazing and lovely, and genuine and sweet - you deserve to be someone's Princess... I think you've made the right decision too lovely.

Be less on social threads? What here? What's triggering you?

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selena (13-01-21)

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## Mira

What you are telling us, its not easy. I agree with Suzi. You do deserve someone that will treat you right. I remember when I might someone in another country. We both tried to see each other as fast as we could. To see if there was something between us that you can only know in person.

When I read your thread I get the idea that you are hoping o find mr right. And that with his validation you will feel better? That his love will pick you up and will carry you. It will. But only the first times. After that things will get harder again and struggles will return. Even if the relationship is perfect. 

All that Suzi is saying is true. And when you do meet someone I hope you will still go on with seeing help. So everything can keep growing like a tree. As strong and good roots. For yourself and for a future relationship

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selena (13-01-21)

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## Paula

Im glad you had someone who helped you through the first stages of your grief. And Im glad youve got the strength now to not accept second best. There is someone out there who will celebrate who you are and want to make you the centre of his universe, and I know you will find him

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selena (13-01-21)

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## selena

Thank you so much for your encouragement and for your kind words. This means a lot to me.

For Suzi, the last world events, uncertainty, crisis and good memories do trigger too...because this crisis seems sometimes infinite.

For Mira, now I have given myself a break. But yes, his presence in my life kept me strong and lifted me higher. I remember our first skype communication,I mean I had communicated with the other guys too thorugh this way. This face-to-face, but when I saw him, my naive and childish thought was that he is the one lol! And the most ironical thing is that I generally have a rather strong intuition, but probably not that time...His smile lit up both my soul and my room. We talked nearly until the first hours of morning...I  had never been so happy and calm before. His dark eyes sparkled too ....Even now, I smile when I remember this moment. He treated me respectfully, although he seemed so flirty. I told him we have a bit different temperaments, but he replied feeling so comfortable together, him being very dynamic and sociable but willing to have a calm girlfriend.
I think he cannot really grasp the true meaning of depression and he should have gone to pyschologist himself after.
But after lockdown, something happened and broke inside him. Although he had never been mean to me, he became anxious, telling me that sometimes he switches off everything and does not read any messages. He changed too, there had not been the same sparkle that had been before...We had less communication. And he became desperate, maybe a coward or maybe that occurred because of the whole crisis, I don't know. 
I realize that I have got attached too much to him, maybe I was alone after my mom's death, that had an impact too.

But you cannot imagine where my heart was when I saw him with the other woman...the woman he does not really like (maybe to an extent of course), that it must have been me, my story...because I deserved it so much after all my sufferings. He had also a good impact because I was not afraid of him, I forget about my stepfather's harassment by his side....
But then I realize he might have started drinking or going down, or cannabis, if not this interaction...so bad that he did not go to a psychologist.

Maybe I idealized him to an extent, but anyway such words before/after my mom's death " My heart is with your mommy", "Kiss her on my behalf" - these words would melt down anyone's heart! I started smiling and blossoming after a while...people mentioned it too.

He is missing me too, I know, although he got tired with online interaction. But I think this is the best variant, leaving him in peace.

As for my Dad, he revealed himself too, never asking me about my private life, just having a business approach. And yes, I have decided to visit him, but I don't want to start in my dad's place a new life and I am unwilling to learn a new language, just feeling tired.

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## Suzi

Sweetheart I'm glad that you're just going to visit your Dad and not start a new life with him. I think you need to carry on with the counselling and work at finding you some happiness. You had a really tough year last year, so maybe take some time and think about what you really want... Then go out and get it!

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## selena

I think I want that winter lockdown comes to an end and yes, there is some time for reflections indeed.

My psychologist emphasized that this won't last forever and maybe I will be able to have a city break...like I did in summer 2019 during my visit to London, which was successful one and I also met a special person...

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## Suzi

He's right, you have lots of options when the pandemic is over.

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## selena

Today I have attended the other session. I started practicing meditation too. The idea is that there are core problems originating from my childhood and younger years, fears related to my mother's religious practice.
I am missing my deceased family members, but that is life...Many times I have been tortured by certain thoughts, experiences, memories...I asked them to forgive me, if I have done something wrong, but I am willing to be myself.

Although my mom realized the wrong direction of reminding me about being deformed and accepting my wishes in the end, although the last months before her death, she herself tried to repair everything and to restore the things like they used to be in my childhood, certain past things, some hurtful moments and words remain in my memory. I know she had a difficult childhood, was very talented, at the same time helped a lot of other people, but certain things and my stepdad (incuding not only harassment towards me, but his inhuman attitude towards her). I cannot be her, I am not praying like her, I am a simple sinner, I like the men that she usually did not, I have some different opinions and I cannot tolerate some humiliating things like her. She regretted so much before her death and told me that I am a good and beautiful girl, she said I can be with whoever I want to, she will not interefere, just willing to live more if God gives her another chance. This period was a blessing, although it had been hard, the period followed by imminent death. But I think the point is not in being ideal, but sincere with others and with oneself - being and doing what I want.

I remember one of my visits to the hospital where she underwent treatment back in 2017. There were some neighbours in the room, some other women too. 
I suddenly talked about a guy I communicated with, he was expected to visit, but it never happened due to certain circumstances...Well, that woman sit near her and whispered pointing at me: "Please let this girl live her life. She can succeed or fail, but it's hers. I have a daughter who married a muslim, never converting herself....they are happy.My other daughter revealed to be a lesbian and I was not delighted at all. But I thought the most important is seeing them happy, seeing smile on their lips. Your daughter deserves to be happy too."
My mother told her no, because a Christian girl should never date pagans. Some time before her death, she asked me to forgive her and asked God to forgive her, that she would have acted differently and must not have judged people according to their religion. And there were certainly some other things too...I cannot really blame myself, now I am simply shocked while thinking about the whole crisis over years. She admitted euthanasia is a normal choice and it is hard one and it had been so differently before her death, when she said a true Christian should never accept this, also admitting that a depressed person like me should ask for help and a man really loving me will accept this weakness of mine...disease otherwise.

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## Suzi

To be honest I'm not sure that I recognise someone as being a devout follower of God and the teachings of kindness and Christianity in someone who can then say such harsh things to you as she had done in the past. This nonsense about you being deformed is just nonsense. You are a very beautiful young lady and you deserve to be treated like a Princess by someone. I identify as a Christian and I haven't ever followed the straight path and married someone who is a Christian. I've dated women and I'm married to a man who had no faith at all. We've been together for nearly 22 years! Sweetheart you deserve to be happy and if that's with a person of whatever faith, no faith, a man or a woman as long as it makes you happy then that's all that's important. Anyone who doesn't want to accept you as you are isn't worth your time at all. Sweetheart you're a lovely, kind and very intelligent person. You deserve to be happy, but finding a partner isn't going to be a magic wand to make you happy...

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Flo (16-01-21),Jaquaia (16-01-21),selena (17-01-21),Stella180 (16-01-21)

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## Stella180

I’m just imagining if your mum had Suzi as a daughter. We all know how totally epic Suzi is, how caring, thoughtful, and supportive she is and a genuine nice person but your mum would’ve lost her mind raising a free spirit like her. 

You don’t need approval to live your life in a was that you see fit. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, just be yourself.

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selena (16-01-21)

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## selena

I am just feeling very sorry...deeply sorry that it a was a very short period into which we finally had a normal relationship....a connection that seemed lost since childhood. She provided a lot to me and had herself a rather troubled personality and life, blaming herself or insisting on her principles related to my life. So weird, she gave her blessing to my communication with a man I have been in touch with for a year so far. One of my close friends told me that this had been that way probably because she was dying and she tried not to make me upset...she said that if she had lived, she would probably have found something wrong in him too.

The only good thing that she had never judged someone's sexuality, never judged if someone lived in or without marriage etc...The other principles had been dominant, regarding difference of religions for example or some other issues. But she said before her death I am amazing and can do whatever I want and live with who I want, regardless any differences,  just to be attentive that my feelings would not be hurt.

But generally some religious people, some too harsh principles can trigger me, so I am trying to avoid such discussions.

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## Paula

I can imagine how painful it is that you had all those years when your mum struggled to allow you to live your life, only to see a glimpse at the end of how it could have been if shed been able to see things differently, earlier. She probably thought she was protecting you when actually she was lucky she didnt push you away - and thats down to your love and devotion for her.

Sweetie, Im a Christian, I was raised in a Christian family. My husband is not, nor has any desire to even consider it. My daughter is gay. I love them both very, very much and nothing and no one will ever change that and I will never turn my back on them. What Im trying to say is that there is a huge difference between true Christianity and religion and those religious people youve come across are not Christian in my eyes

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Jaquaia (16-01-21),selena (16-01-21),Suzi (16-01-21)

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## selena

All of you are so supportive that I cannot express my feelings well enough and hide my tears. 

Even her confessor told me that maybe that was "good" for her to die at that period. I remember my boss's cleaner (which left the company a few years ago) came once to clean my office and told me I would marry after my mom's death! I was so shocked....

Maybe my mom achieved a higher spiritual level and had a vocation, I believe, but I am a simple woman just willing to be happy in my own way. 

I just want that she hears me where she is now and fully understands my feelings, my struggle, my willingness and my weakness that I am not ideal in the matter of mental health. Because I was with her until the end and although she was not in direct putrefaction process like the other cancer patients, but anyway. I know she loved me, but all this is a trauma to me, comprising some of her words, still sounding in my head!!!
I know that in the end, everything had been different.

First, that I am "deformed". Ok, I had been touched by insulin rezistance, but I am not guilty and although I lost some weight, but I am not in a slim team. My psychologist considers this caused by mostly psychological issues.

I have a question to all of you. Is it ok listening to mantra or motivational meditation videos (this brings me relief), although I am a Christian?

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## Suzi

You are NOT deformed! You are beautiful! You just need to smile more  :O: 

Of course you can listen to things that you find soothing!

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selena (16-01-21)

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## selena

That is hard to smile. Now it is a bit hard. When that man was present in my life, he made me smile, now generally it is more difficult in lockdown. 

As for my mom, I know she was searching for perfection, but in the end she admitted she is wrong. She revealed that was caused by her harsh childhood and poor self-esteem. I would want her back, because she was my mom and we shared nice memories too, but I realize the reality of course. There are things that deeply hurt.

In the end of spring 2019, some weird things happened. According to one of the scans, she had multiple MT, according to the other - it was unclear. And on her summer pics when she accompanied me to the airport in my way to London, she looked fine. 
But there is a thing she did, although there is no way of making me feel guilty. I didn't communicate with anyone at that time and it was a general discussion and I thought she changed her mind in many aspects, mainly because of remission. It was nothing at all, but she suddenly exploded and said: " If my daughter will marry a Muslim, then I ask God to take away all my recovery so far and die, so that I will never see them or any grandchildren!" I was so shocked and scared at once, because it was me who fought for her nearly alone. But really I did not search for a special category of religion etc, it was some fun at beginning in internet communication with the men from abroad. Later, some stronger connections appeared, everything was mostly online and pretty much without even skyping!!! Maybe because they were not too insistent in intimate discussions or respect my privacy, not sure. 

She even complained to the confessor about it, without taking into consideration that I am a different kind of Christian and I will never change my religion. I was so ashamed of everything, because it sounded weird. The confessor told her not to judge people of the other faith.

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## Paula

You really are not deformed. If you are, love, then me and my multiple health issues would make me a complete wreck - and Im not. Im also married with 2 amazing kids,  and my contribution to my family has never been less than it should, even if Im not well. None of us are perfect, the important thing is to accept ourselves for who we are, not who others want us to be.

As for that explosion of your mums, hunni Im not a perfect mum but I would be horrified if I was to say anything like that to or about either of my children.

Oh, and I meditate most days.... actually I use a meditation based on bible verses

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selena (17-01-21),Suzi (17-01-21)

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## Stella180

What has being Christian got to do with it? If those videos are of benefit to you then absolutely stick with it and no shame in it at all. 

I don’t know your definition of “deformed” but it’s definitely not a word that I would use to describe you at all. You have health conditions, that does not make you deformed. 

Your mother. I am glad that you and her were able to resolve some of your differences before her passing and the fact that she was able to be more compassionate with you towards the end. However, the years of her saying some horrendous things about you and being incredibly controlling and that kind of trauma does not disappear all of a sudden.

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selena (17-01-21),Suzi (17-01-21)

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## Mira

If deformed means that you are a smart woman, open minded and in interested in other people and cultures. Trying to better better yourself and build a future for yourself without looking down on anyone or anything. Then yes. You should even be proud of being deformed. 

But if you think the "regular" definition applies to you then I have to say (and this is something I hardly ever say), you are wrong!

I am a man of many believes. But not a religious one. But if I were to believe in a higher power. Or god. Restrictive thinking would not fit that lifestyle. When my grandmother died we were in church. And I kept hearing god is love. God is love. God loves all his children. Then there we are. All his children. That tells me the gay children, the sick children, the muslim children, the transgender children. I could go on and on. And if that is how we look at someone and say thats a religious person. Then I think everyone of us here on this forum is deeply religious.

To me its that simple. 

I live in the Dutch bible belt. A small village with 12.000 people next to me and 14 churches. They all separate over (in my view stupid) rules. They go to church in a car. They dress differently. They watch tv. etc etc. To me that's not religion. There are so many religious people that are doing out of the box things to feel a deeper connection to god. And if that helps them. Then by all means go for it. Who cares what other people think of it? I think its a personal thing to begin with. Your own connection to god. What does other people give the power to determine how you should express your love or your feelings?

Selena. Through your posts we have gotten to know the person you are. And the person you have become even through the difficult times. You are a woman with mental health problems yes. But these do not define you. Its a part of you. But its not all that you are. And its not how you or anyone else should look at you. And the way you are has nothing to do with being deformed. I myself have never ever seen a person I would call deformed. Sadly there are a lot of people with problems and issues. But thats not being deformed.

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Jaquaia (17-01-21),OldMike (17-01-21),Paula (17-01-21),selena (17-01-21),Stella180 (17-01-21),Suzi (17-01-21)

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## Suzi

As a Mum to 3 children who all have additional health needs I am disgusted by what hurtful, hideous things that your Mother said to you. Being ill is no excuse for being so unkind. 2 of my children are autistic, one has chronic health illnesses... Do any of those things make them "deformed"? NO! They may be different, but we are all different from each other and aren't we all made in the image of God, as one of God's children? The others are right, I'm sorry lovely, I know you're grieving but the horrible things she said to you are inexcusable and are even more so as she was your Mother and meant to be the one person who loves you unconditionally and without judgement. The first person to support you and to be there for you - not to fill your head with horrible rubbish as this stuff.

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OldMike (17-01-21),Paula (17-01-21),selena (17-01-21)

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## OldMike

Selena how can you possibly be described as deformed (it was cruel beyond belief for your mother to say that), you're a highly intelligent pretty young woman it's a pity you don't see yourself as others see you.

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Flo (17-01-21),selena (17-01-21),Suzi (17-01-21)

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## selena

When I look back, I understand that she herself, my poor mom, had issues with self-esteem and once told me she considers herself deformed too!!! I asked why, because when she did not eat sweets, she was rather slim. She was an artist first as her vocation and she started telling me about ideal proportions or closer standards. Then she started reminding me the words my stepfather told her, a horrible man. I said ok, but anyway why she allowed him to say these horrible words, how she did come that in the end he even tried to kill her, 10 years of tolerating him! We would have been so happy without him. She admitted then that everything is related to her poor self-esteem since childhood. A month or two before her death, she told me: " I and grandma got to get along recently. But my childhood was harsh, she never gave me a kiss, just telling me how horrible I am and refusing to buy even the cheapest nice dress. I had never felt my mother's love, I had always been a worthless loser, being told again and again that I am nearly nothing. I wanted us to be different, so I told you since childhood how amazing you are." Yes, this was true. My early childhood was very happy. But then this horrible man came into our life. Later, I started to gain weight due to stress.
In my mother's definition, "deformed" is somebody's body (woman's variant) affected by illness, especially weight gain. Then she tried to interpret and explain everything that all this is due to sins and curse. When she had her religious vocation revealed, she attended religious services, allowing to be told rather bad things by some so called religious servants. She raised her voice when I missed those services. I tried to explain that I am a bad Christian, because I have my view, something alike.
I cannot deny that some small or big miracles, good things happened, but I think that occurred due to my inner prayer or hers. The worst came after she started self-blaming herself, stating that is such a big sinner, and no real reasons provided. She started to fast very harshly, one year not eating and/or drinking for 9 days! I know she made her best that I have everything possible and to fulfill some spiritual goals, but the others took advantage of this too.

When she realized her faux pas, it was too late. And I knew deeply inside, since the first hospital admission, that this is the beginning of the end. 

When we had talked about euthanasia before, she told me that a true Christian would never accept something alike. Then she recognized her fault when she got diagnosed with cancer. But the worst occurred when I had been completely alone with her before her death. She died on Sunday, but this happened on Saturday - the start of infinite circle in attendance of death. No, there had not been any physically horrible issues, but cancer remains a beast. I was alone. Just the connection on internet and Cholangocarcinoma support group, they helped a lot indeed. So when I asked if she maybe wants me to read the Bible, she said no, not in this condition. She was not searching or asking for anyone's help, just asking me to help her into her native language. I was feeling completely lost, but had no choice. Then she probably imagined we are in Euthanasia unit waiting for doctor and asked me: " When will the doctor come? To finally inject me to die. Please tell him to do this as fast as it is possible. " I was perplexed, but just murmured he is on his way there. And thought deeply inside that I had been right, we should never judge. The next day, she died peacefully and I know I should be grateful for this, thus avoiding additional mental struggles, but this is a trauma too.

The same happened with her opinion about my mental problems, she said I should search for help and she was not right about her previous statements that a true Christian should not search for doctor's help and does not need psychological assitance or other help, she criticized my preference for meditation and yoga practice. But in the end she changed, asking forgiveness before God and me for having judged so harsh, affirming that she was so wrong and if God gave her another chance, she would have acted differently. Maybe that is the reason she accepted that man despite everything too.

Her childhood friend confirmed she had a harsh childhood. I have also found out that my mother had acquired school program very early, being strong in all fields, even in maths. She was ready to enter the university at 13-14 years old. It was USSR and they had a Council and decided to allow her for final exams a bit later, so she left school at 15 years old. Her Dad was talented too, but not acquiring everything so early. And she was not happy.

I am different and unwilling to follow her exact spiritual path, I am not a regular, but a moderate church goer and with liberal views. Meditations have a positive impact on me too. I would be happy to see her alive, but now I decided to follow my path.

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## Suzi

You are kind and lovely - definitely NOT a "bad" Christian at all! 
Sweetheart it's good that you are talking about all of this, but please remember your life is not the same as hers and you deserve to follow your own path and be happy x

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## Mira

From reading Suzi's comment about you not being a "bad" christian. Can some one tell me what a good christian is?

I was thinking about you meditating and your beliefs. And a google search showed me this. 

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/shoul...itat_b_9170716

And I think this shows something that we all know already here. It fits into your believe. And another thing I wanted to say about meditation. You are doing the meditation to help yourself. To get yourself to a place you want to be. Why would anyone have a problem with that?

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selena (17-01-21)

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## Suzi

I believe that being a "good" Christian is being kind, understanding, not sitting in judgement of others, being charitable - of yourself, not financially. Being honest, kind, respectful and following the ways that Jesus taught us - basically being kind....

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selena (17-01-21)

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## Mira

I think you are right Suzi. That means every religious person here is a good christian. And Selena is a good christian too. 

The thing is that your mothers opinions outweigh the ones I have for you. Or others on the internet. But I do think its good you are starting to look for others that share your believes and views. And I think yours are way more compatible with the ones Suzi and Paula and others express.

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selena (17-01-21),Suzi (17-01-21)

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## selena

So, yes, but the meditation or mantra I have been listening to relates to ayurvedic, related to krishna and buddhist philosophy. The thing is that I started feeling calmer and took 2 important decisions,  without any inner hysterics.

However, my independent meditation and prayer is mainly Christian.

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## Mira

Yes I see your point. But did Christianity never "borrowed" pagan traditions and practices? They did ages ago and that to me could be the same as this.

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Suzi (17-01-21)

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## Mira

But I am not trying to prove a point or push any thought I have. The only thing I have is hope that you can do something you enjoy and something that helps without having a negative feeling or thought attached to it.

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## selena

Although last year was very tough for me, especially sad because I lost my dearest cat, but I suddenly realized it made me only stronger in spite of being depressed.

I became more decisive in communication with my crazy difficult boss and my dad.

As for my Dad, this connection is weird, along with calling him dad over phone. No, I cannot say I love him, but tended to hope for something. Neither does he, I remind him a part of my mom and that he was "dumped", forgetting about his own errors. A family friend told me, yes, he had never hit a woman, but was a kind of gambling addict. Once he lost a game and broke the window with an object. Thus, my mum considered this impossible, along with cohabitation with a very difficult mother-in-law. If he took a woman in a house, the mother-in -law should first approve. During my last and first visit there, she considered me dangerous (surely, because I would have fought for my rights in court in place of my mom or his second wife). Then, the old one knew very well how to create conflict, raising in his son (my dad) doubts about his paternity in both cases! In my case, she stated my nose is far from family nose (although my maternal grandma has a similar nose!) ! My mom was taken to hospital while living with them due to the very low hemoglobin level! The old one asked me cynically why my mum married so unwisely second time, I provided no reply.
When I returned home, I asked my mom directly how she could have married him. She told me it was not for love, but because it was time to marry and he seemed nice. 

Due to say, he made my first visit horrible by constantly bullying me for not being slender. I replied that he is not either and I would have never dated such a man either. He did not even try to hear about my medical condition. When we sat at the table, in the end his girlfriend told him I look good and to shut up. Then he started talking that people of the other race are not equal...his girlfriend once again told him that it is non -sense and God created everybody for a purpose, that every should be accepted and respected, regardless of race or sexuality. When I was home there, he often laughed on tv and calling names while seeing an overweight woman or men of another race. His mom tried to create additional conflicts between us. I asked to remain there for work, as they promised, but they lied before, the old one hoping my mom would come there leaving her mom and taking care of her! The only person with a human attitude was his silent Latvian girlfriend.

Before my mom's death, my mom praised me for dignity and for choosing to go to London (where I want) and understood I did not want to come to a place where I was humiliated. Coming back from London and meeting my mom again after visit to London was one of the happiest moments of my life. She felt not so well, but even prepared something for me!

After my mom's death, he started insisting that I immediately move there as you know. But I hesitated due to some other plans. Then lockdown came.
He often tells me about our wonderful life together and a bright future. But I am only for visit or temporary living there, not for a new life there. 

I was also shocked when he once said, after I told him about my break up: "I expected you to come here living with me".
So, he fears even asking about a man in my life, the only persons being "I", "My mom", "Family". 

I was disappointed, but now I make no more illusions regarding him.

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## Suzi

Hunni, I hate to be harsh but you've not had the greatest of parenting experiences... Your Dad is nothing more than a genetic donor... You deserve so much more than you've had.

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## selena

I am feeling better, CBT has its effects surely, but it is still very hard.

The main problem is related to nightmares with my deceased mom and grandmother. When I wake up, it seems like it had been so real, that they are still alive and nothing happened. Or all sort of patients, hospices, other a bit bloody details...This brings harsh panic attacks feeling unreal like somebody killed them and coming after me too. It is so horrible, that my breathing nearly stops and I live in fear in the upcoming days.

I think, these problems along with my loneliness made me at a certain point nearly fall into my dad's trap and lies.

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## Paula

Im glad CBT is helping. Not everything will be fixed straight away, lovely  :Panda:

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selena (24-01-21)

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## selena

It is hard, but the most amazing news that I am becoming myself, getting to my initial entity. Although everything is not easy at all.

My dad called me again and asked, if I can tell my boss that I should take care of my "remaining ill close family members" and to come before June to be there with him and his mother! I told him to send money first and to book me a room at the hotel, as I cannot stay there with his mother, my health is shattered too and I am much younger. 
If there is opportunity to have a little holiday in late spring or summer, I want to go where I want. He makes me extremely anxious with his pressure.

I know I am not mentally stable, but he will certainly not make me feel happier or more relaxed.

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## Mira

It is hard. But I know you will make it.

Reading your posts I seem to get the idea that your father is not healthy for you at the moment. He should be in your corner with support and kindness. Trying to help in what ever way possible. 

But instead he keeps putting pressure on you. And thats not good for anyone. Let alone someone with mental health issues. 

I know its easier said then done. But you would be better off finding your own happyness. I remember how well the trip to Londen was for you. 

Thats one of the things that will help you.

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selena (24-01-21)

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## Suzi

I'm so glad you're standing up to him lovely. 
CBT is fantastic and I'm glad that it's helping, but lovely remember you didn't get this poorly overnight so it's going to take a long time to undo and relearn everything. You have to keep on working on it and giving yourself time to do so...

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selena (24-01-21)

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## Strugglingmum

You are doing so well Selena. I know you probably dont think so but honestly,  how you are thinking is so much healthier.

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Suzi (24-01-21)

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## selena

Hi, everybody.

I decided to go somehwere in summertime on holiday.

My psychologist suggested coming back on dating sites. He said I don't make any illusions already and this will help forgetting that guy.

At first, I  thought it would be impossible, but it seems nice, although I don't make any hopes and expectations.

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## Suzi

Where are you planning on going? 
Do you feel ready to go back on the dating sites?

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## selena

Not sure, Paris probably.

I thought no. But I was relieved because I told them the truth, planning just communication in lockdown period and nothing more for a moment.

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## Mira

Its awesome that you told them the truth. I think its the only way that anything can even help. Being open about things will make sure that you are getting the replies and the help you need. I have so many hopes for you. And that they all happen.

Paris sounds lovely.

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selena (29-01-21)

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## selena

I am feeling at ease because I am feeling myself.

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## Mira

That is so nice to hear. I hope it is giving you a bit of confidence and energy as well  :Panda:

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## selena

You know, the weirdest thing on this world is that I when I stopped to dream about a prince charming ....the men became opener too, I don't expect anything from anyone, not being my knight for sure.

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## Strugglingmum

That is great to hear. Paris is beautiful.  I would love to go back.

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## selena

I have a good intution and I start not feeling so frightened by men. I know I am not a gift, a depressed woman and who passed through harassment, but I am sincere with them.

I blamed myself when that guy told me he got tired of all this online relationship, but then I thought maybe it is better this way.

I passed a very hard year, but now I have understood that although he liked me, I fed his ego too.

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## Mira

I think its better this way too. This happening was a way of showing you he was not right for you. And I am glad that you are not that frightended by men. There are some true gems out there. I have met some. 

But why say you are no gift? It made me sad to read that. By showing us who you are and what you believe and value you are one of the biggest gifts. That what does not make us perfect makes us unique. We all have bagage. And everyone has had trouble in life. The strenght you have shown by still going for what you want and trying your best makes you so much more. And thats why you deserve so much more too. 

You are a gift!

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selena (29-01-21),Suzi (30-01-21)

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## selena

My psychologist asked me what I want.

I said I am not dreaming about a marriage, just a relationship based not only on attraction, but deep friendship and respect. He said that is perfect not expecting anything from anyone.

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## Suzi

> You know, the weirdest thing on this world is that I when I stopped to dream about a prince charming ....the men became opener too, I don't expect anything from anyone, not being my knight for sure.


You don't need a knight. You are a strong, independent and perfectly capable person in your own right.. 




> I have a good intution and I start not feeling so frightened by men. I know I am not a gift, a depressed woman and who passed through harassment, but I am sincere with them.
> 
> I blamed myself when that guy told me he got tired of all this online relationship, but then I thought maybe it is better this way.
> 
> I passed a very hard year, but now I have understood that although he liked me, I fed his ego too.


But you aren't an object, you are a person. Every person I've ever met comes with their own baggage - we all have it. Some of us more than most - me especially. Sweetheart you need to stop seeing yourself as damaged goods and more of a wonderful, intelligent, kind, lovely person...

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selena (30-01-21)

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## selena

You know what I am afraid of, that the man X or Y will turn his back once discovering I am affected by depression.

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## Stella180

If that happens then he’s not the right person for you.

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selena (30-01-21)

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## Suzi

Stella is right. If someone can't love ALL of you - flaws and all, then they are NOT right for you!

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selena (30-01-21)

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## selena

You know, now I realize that everything that has happened so far was probably for the best of my mental and physical safety. Stella said that COVID did me a favour back in March and the others would have thought the same. But now I think it was for the best despite some losses.
I tried to defend the man when he vanished online. But I remember another psychologist telling me some time ago that " if a man wants to make steps towards a woman, there will certainly not be any borders" (not applying probably too much in the new Covid reality!)

I realized later, he probably used ghosting and mosting maybe. He explained he was not in proper mood and disconnected with the world...

I don't judge him, but he enjoyed my naive admiration for him and I guess he thinks I will be forever there waiting for him. Why then stating finally he is in relationship and that many things changed, having two accounts with and without me (blocked there an dprivate), but welcoming the idea of seeing me one day?
Too much egoism.

Thank God, no gaslighting. My dad used it with his mom against his second wife. When I asked him why he married her, if she was so bad, his reply was: " I did not know she was crazy. Nobody told me or mom. " Or my stepdad used permanent gaslighting and other kinds of abuse against my mom, denying even hiting her, but the medical expertise reaveled different things. He mostly applied physical abuse, when there were no witnesses and this was in the last years of their marriage.

Too sad when someone uses manipulation techniques. 

But I decided to return on dating site just being there for killing boredom and communication with normal people. If I feel uncomfortable, I stop any kinds of communication. I am still planning a visit to Paris, but this can become reality I guess only in summer.

----------


## Strugglingmum

You sound in a much better place mentally. Its lovely to hear.

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## Suzi

I'm glad you're moving things forward, but hunni you're so better off putting yourself first...

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## selena

But I must unfortunately recognize that I am still a bit scared of getting closer to someone. I decided just saying I need some more time without giving any details. I mean either on distance or real life.

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## Suzi

Sorry, are you saying you've already met someone you think you'd like to get closer to?

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## selena

No, only online.

The thing is that the 2 men impressed me with their attitude. I told them the truth that I'm going only in summer. Both of them told me, it is not a problem, that we will see how it is going and if I cannot, they can visit me either in my country or Latvia.

I was surprised.

They told me that while being on lockdown started to think more about some values or building stronger relationship and family.

Is that fine?

The idea was if a man likes a woman, he can come to visit first.

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## Suzi

Hunni, why aren't you looking closer to home? 
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't go to meet anyone unless you have a friend with you... You have to be safe.

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## selena

No, I will not go anywhere soon. 

And already fed up with dating site. It gave me some strength, but I need a break, I mean anywhere.

But if someone wants to visit me, then it seems to be a different thing.

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## Suzi

Sweetheart you have to be kind to you.... Why not try local dating sites instead?

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## selena

I tried, but there is a very poor choice, many of locals are working abroad either. I mean those of my age.

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## Suzi

Sweetheart, don't dismiss those around you...

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## Paula

When did you last try?

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## selena

So weird feeling ...so for now I have ended private CBT course, maybe I will come back to attend after a while.

But it helped, mainly in the terms of self-respect. I think I need some time, but I am feeling happy communicating with other people, especially with one man.

Now I understand my mistakes and that some things should not be tolerated since the beginning and that communication (even romantic) is just a step towards a relationship.

I am being ashamed of myself that after my mom's death I probably had become too emotional and did not realize ghosting...
And that skyping 4 times in a year was not enough! Exchanging pics (everybody can like) or words are not enough.  That if someone is interested, he can find some time during  a day. And that I exaggerated his good role, of the person I have never met. 
Also - that now I find more attractive first man's intelligence and attitude towards me. And it's nice when someone finds some time for me and asks if I have properly eaten or got some relax.

I am still not very ready for dating, but I am delighted to feel loved (in a minimal meaning of this word) and cared about and share these feelings.

It's interesting that the men told me I should smile more, I have a beatiful smile, but it is a bit hard for me.

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## Strugglingmum

Sounds like a good friendship.  Respectful friendship can lead to a beautiful romance but if it doesn't, you still have a good friend.

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selena (07-02-21)

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## selena

Yes, he is a very good friend and I am being myself with him.

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## Suzi

Why have you ended your CBT? How many sessions did you have in the end? 
You weren't "too emotional" after your Mum's death. That's a ridiculous thing to think.. What do you mean about ghosting? 

Hunni, you seem to fall quite hard and fast for men you talk to online. Please, please, please, please, please be careful.

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## selena

I will wait for my salary, it is not unfortunately free of charge here. 12.

That man who I had communicated with after my mom's death. He used ghosting: disappearing and not replying to my messages, then reappearing. The CBT specialist helped me to see the situation with this "online relationship" better.

I know you care about me and I am trying to be careful too. Now I just communicate, understanding that this is not a relationship, so I think it is not dangerous.

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## Suzi

You've referred to it as falling in love again on FB, I am concerned about you. 

I'm glad that your therapist could help you see what we had been trying to tell you too.

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## selena

Yes, a kind of, he has been very attentive so far and we have a lot of similar interests.

But, yes, my therapist told me he cannot judge this person, encouraging communication from one side, if it's respectful. However, he warned me to avoid falling for someone, even if he seems to be a good person.

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## Suzi

Your therapist seems to talk sense - well he says the same as we do, so he must be right!  :(rofl):   :(rofl):

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## selena

He said this type of communication with an intelligent man (person) could improve my linguistic skills or enlarge my knowledge, but I should bear in mind that only 5 % of long distance relationship/communication end up in something deeper.

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## Suzi

I'd be surprised if it was that high for anything over countries....

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## selena

I have been doing like my CBT advised because I am still not ready for real life dating - communication online with different guys, either local or distant. I communicate only with respectful people and trying not to make illusions, although someone always tends to become closer.
I am suprised that these men consider me attractive too, this is caused by my own low self-esteem, I know that there is a lot of work to do about it. Some of them maybe felt this insecurity, but mostly repeated they liked everything about me. I am not ready yet to see someone in real life, maybe in summer.

Well, I think there is another problem making me feel guilty. Especially now as my birthday is approaching and without my mom the second year... The thing is that despite her last good comments about me, I am still being hunted by the "deformed" meaning, "belly" etc. And then it makes me sad and depressed and on those days I can barely communicate with even my close friend. And after I blame myself that I should not judge my mom for these memories, feeling low and depressed. These moments are the hardest.

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## Suzi

But you are a wonderful lady and very beautiful! 

Hunni, your mother was talking absolute rubbish about you being "deformed." I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but love it was absolutely harsh and horrible comments for her to make to you stay with her. Those were hideous comments for anyone to make about anyone - but unthinkable for a mother to say that about their child....

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## selena

Yes, actually in the last months she apologized so much and told me that now God opened her eyes to see how beautiful and kind her daughter is. But when she was sorry about, it was already too late...or it was probably destiny or something alike but with no return for her.

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## Suzi

Sweetheart you deserved never to have been told so much rubbish. You are amazing, kind, sweet, intelligent and beautiful - that is what she should have told you.

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selena (21-02-21)

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## Paula

Unfortunately, her being sorry could never take away the pain of her saying those things in the first place. Which must be all mixed up with your grief...... CBT will help, love, but it wont be an overnight  we will keep telling you the truth of your beauty, kindness and general amazingness - eventually itll stick  :):

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selena (21-02-21)

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## selena

After nearly a month, I have come unfortunately to emotional collapse again.

We are not on lockdown, but the health and economic crisis is obvious. Struggling with my mental conditional is still a tough battle, suicidal thoughts not totally vanishing.

The last surprise is my dad who has called me and told that I must come this year! I have told him there is no direct flight to his place and I must pay a lot for a very small distance, it is risky due to Covid too. He stays closed home together with his mom, while I am struggling every day and work in the office. Then he told me he can disinherit me! I told him that I need to stay safe, but I can come if he sends some money, he just ignored it.
Not forgetting that I have to pay my Covid test before getting somewhere prior to flight and with no direct flights, I can be stuck everywhere and put myself at double risk.

I want to take a holiday somewhere. But looking really, I realize that I can visit only one place and I will not prefer his place.

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## Suzi

I'm not surprised you're struggling with your Dad behaving like that! I'm sorry lovely, but he's completely out of order and totally disrespectful of you! You deserve so much better. How dare he speak to you like that?!

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## selena

It upset me at a certain extent, but it was actually expected from him. I told him to do what he wants. 

The bad thing is that I started to have again nightmares with my dying mother, grandmother and cat and the thing is that all the events are hundred times more horrible than in real life.

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## Paula

Has CBT been pushing at really difficult issues?

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## selena

Not everything.

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## Paula

I just mean that, if it is, that may be whats causing the nightmares

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## Suzi

Or have you had any anniversaries etc come up? 

Are you still having therapy?

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## selena

No. But a year since my lost flight to Paris on Friday.

No, I will return to sessions in May.

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## Suzi

Can I ask why you are waiting until May to restart your sessions? 
Maybe the fact you lost not only your flight, but the hope you had of being with that guy too.... It's understandable that you are feeling really sad about it.

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## selena

Because they are not free of charge. Unfortunately, the mental health is still omitted in my place, especially now in Covid crisis. 


Yes, but I have actually found another penpal not so long time ago. However, this time I was wiser and he probably too. He told me soon there is no online love and he doesn't want to shatter my fragile mental health with promises. 
Well, I have realized I am not ready for real life dating yet. Now I am still very emotional and fragile. 

As far as it concerns Paris itself - the city, I still want to visit it.

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## Suzi

That makes sense about it being a private system... 
Sweetheart you are so intelligent, kind, thoughtful, beautiful and interesting that I believe you deserve so much more than the men in your life have been/treated.... Your Dad treats you like rubbish, seeming to only contact when he wants something from you, that last man seemed lovely, but actually was rubbish to you and now this one who is talking about your "fragile mental health".... You deserve to be loved, put first and treated like a princess. I really think you need to start seeing yourself as deserving of this.

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selena (28-03-21)

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## selena

The very last man (from this year) was very nice and active since the beginning....chemistry for sure, but a lot of shared interests and discussions.
He was attentive indeed and I think his attitude seemed like everything I have ever dreamt of. Actually, he was rather insistent, but respectful. We have even the same birthmark! His words deeply touched me, I have never pushed the things. I did not want to hurry the things up, knowing the previous experience. 

He is a French-Moroccan and I think the obstacle between us was...religion or maybe his clan's general opinion about such unions. No, he was nice and tolerant, he listened to what I have talked about Christianity and me about Islam.
He seemed secular in his looks first, but then he revealed he is a practicing Muslim. I know a part of him was genuine for sure. He actually proved to be a good friend, listening to the events from my life and his advice was fine. He often repeated I have a pure soul. I could read admiration in his eyes. 
That until one day...
I was waiting for my best friend in a cafe. He messaged me and was nervous. I felt something wrong happened even in the previous days.I did not know that a clan means so much even in Europe. Then I asked him if he needs me in his life. He told me that does not want to hurt me and the current situation in France is harsh and his family is his rock, so we cannot be together and he decided it will be better to marry a distant cousin from his family and move to Belgium. Knowing that I should come to Paris anyway, because I generally wanted to visit the city and university considering my desire to maybe pursue post-graduate studies there, he revealed that we can meet, but that is all. I could not believe myself, my tears were falling down cause he has treated me so nice. He asked me to forgive him and that I cannot take my life as I am a good Christian. His parents are deceased too, I thought he is independent, but actually since the first video call I realized I am stronger than him (but depressed), although he is a bit depressed too.
He told me he did not want to act this way, his first desire was being with me, but he cannot currently financially support a family/woman independently. I told him to think, to stop, that is not normal, we have been talking nearly daily, I am still missing his voice, his face! I wondered, if he lies or tells the truth. He said I don't really know him and I am a special woman, but should not really trust any man on internet. He told me then sorry to shock me, that I should try to sleep and that from now on we are good friends. I told him I know, it is online, but still it could not be just friendship. He said yes, he understands this. I told him that he is heartless, he replied that I am hurting his feelings, that I should calm down and search for someone else. But I have got attached to him so much, although I noticed he became a bit anxious, when we talked about clan relationships and religion.

He is indecisive and I think one of his sisters had an impact on him too. His attitude touched me so much and he is so intelligent that I was ready to move there with him as soon as possible. I started blaming myself for everything, because he encouraged me and was so nice to me too. But in certain aspects we disagreed, he said it will be better to move with my dad, because a woman must not live alone.

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## Paula

Well that last statement from him was rubbish. Youve been living on your own for some time now, and are managing very well!

Hunni, my hubby is atheist and Im a Christian. Its extremely hard at times to be with someone who doesnt have the same beliefs as you do. Im fortunate in that Si has never tried to stop me from practising my faith, and actually encourages it. But I know many, many Christian women whose non believing partners make it very difficult for them. Your Frenchman wasnt wrong in saying that a relationship would be very difficult between you. However, he was wrong in letting things get as far as they did without talking to you properly about it. He should have known this was the likely outcome and stopped things before he hurt you.

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selena (28-03-21)

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## selena

Yes, I have got so emotional that I talked even to my confessor about it.

He told that well, in Christian and general view, a man should be a man, but from other side, to let the things go as they are, because he seems depressed. Just to focus on my general goals. As for my dad, he said he cannot express his despise in words.

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## Suzi

I'm going to share something here. Marc is an atheist, I follow the Church of England faith. This is fine, it's been a little awkward for me to go to Church in the first place as I had moved area and didn't know a church around here - a few I went to were really cliquey and I didn't feel welcomed at all. Then we went to a local Church to go and take some photos and I've not been welcomed as much ever... Slowly Marc has changed from a definite "there's nothing" to a "maybe there is something" which is fab and we go together (when we're not in a pandemic) to the Wednesday morning service which is quiet and lovely. 
However I do know of someone who fell in love with a guy from a different background and she moved into his flat, but any time his family were coming they had to move all her stuff out of the flat and make it look like she wasn't there...... In the end, he too chose his family and she was dumped on my doorstep in a horrific state. Later he died and she wasn't even able to go to the funeral or know where he is buried...  
Hunni you get decent people and not great people in every religion, every race and every background... You deserve so much better.

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selena (29-03-21)

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## selena

I have got really attached to him, I feared losing him. But maybe it is better so.

When I went to church some days ago, my confessor was happy to see me there and asked about my travelling plans. He smiled and said that all of us should just wait a little until life gets to more normal standards. He firmly told me not to get trapped into my dad's offers, reminding me that my priorities should be put first.

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## Paula

I couldnt agree more

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## Suzi

Absolutely agree with him!

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## selena

So, I have received my first Covid jab and I am fine now.

CBT helped me, but still struggling with very bad mood swings and that feeling of being trapped. 

My communication with my Dad hardly improved, he does not seem to grasp the reality at all. And honestly, after all this, I would rather visit London again than him after all our misunderstandings.

As for dating, now I can say I am not so afraid of men (more precisely of concrete men who I have communicated a little and can trust just a little).
But sometimes, "deformed" bumps into my head and I wonder if X or Y will accept me despite not being exactly slender and still having a belly. If he will not laugh at me. 
I also wonder who should pay at the date. In my culture, men used to pay for everything. But if he invites....feeling uncomfortable in those moments.

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## Suzi

I'm glad that you are doing well after your vaccination. I'm glad you had it. 
I don't think that your Dad is ever going to be what you want, need and deserve... I'm sorry that he thinks it's OK to treat you so badly. Next time you come to London we'll have to arrange to meet  :O:  
Hunni, get rid of that word "deformed." You are not. You are lovely, kind, intelligent, beautiful and wonderful lady who I'm really proud to know and be able to call a friend. 

Don't worry about dating yet love... Just get to know someone... If he offers to pay, let him  :O:

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Flo (25-04-21),selena (24-04-21)

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## selena

I think I am doing well now, but I have been struggling the last weeks. My CBT session will restart in June.

Looking back at all bad events so far, I mean 2020 plans, now I think it is good the trip to Paris failed (except the never returned money!). Because I was too weak and I saw in a man who had the abilities of clown (but who has never even talked to me enough) my soulmate! I obviously exaggerated....And it is not about him being a bad person, but he simply does not have an appropriate emotional approach to me. Maybe that was the reason his ex broke everything with him, I have never seen him in real life, but I guess that is the key. And he was not right suggesting certain level of intimacy and knowing that I was still in deep grief. My best local friend always tried to tell me he is not for me and was so happy when everything failed, because she did not want to see me destroyed.

Why have I realized it now?
Probably because much time already passed and I can perceive the whole situation differently, one day I just opened my eyes and...

And also because I have got that the other men can make me happier, maybe not forever, but their approach is closer to me and they could listen better.

At a certain moment, I thought the men who appear in my life get better and better, my CBT thinks that is not coincidence, but the result of better self-esteem. 

But I am not in a hurry because I put my mental condition and safety first. Anyway, besides some insecurities, now my main fear regarding the first real life date is fear of breaking in tears before the man X or Y.

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## Suzi

You weren't "weak" at all. You trusted someone who you thought you had got to know. Most of us have done similar.... What intimacy did he suggest? I'm glad that you're not having anything to do with him too.... 

What men are in your life now? 
Absolutely don't be in a hurry - you're young, you have loads of time on your side. Do not settle for anyone who isn't going to treat you like a princess.

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selena (09-05-21)

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## selena

Yes, especialy because I started talking to him a little bit before my mom's death, I think this was the main reason. 

So my trip was planned in a rather quick way, but I did some mistakes, in comparison the previous trip that had been planned so good, although in a short time too. I paid for going, but doubted about the date of return. And that is good because I have never paid for return, Covid spread fast and thus I have not lost all money.

The first mistake is that I booked my flight with a private flight company with already bad reputation of money return. Just because to make the things easier for him to come, because the other airport was too far and he said it is difficult to go there. My friend told me it is ridiculous for a man to tell this, especially when fast train can get you there in a short time and I could have done everything by myself, but I was feeling broken by time. Then I even booked my stay at a hotel in his district and rather far from central Paris! Another mistake...
However, he seemed glad. One day I messaged him and told that I am not sure about the date of return as I might not have enough money. It was supposed to be a very short visit, not exceeding 4 days. He told me it is not a problem, because he will either pay for the last night or I can spend it at his place. He rented with some guys, although having his own room. From one side he said he cannot leave me alone because he should have gone to work during the day.
But he fast came with a suggestion " Let's do this way: I will pay for 2 nights so that we can spend time just we two, nicely and quiet." 
I thought it is not good, just not good because I would stay for a very brief period and had other plans. He had never suggested taking me to a cafe or somewhere, just stating we would go where I want.
One of my good friends was very much against it, for which I am grateful to her. She told it is clearly a hint for sexual intercourse and he is not right. Also because I had never met him and I might not have liked him and we cannot be sure of his reaction in case of my refuse there. And I would have refused because I have my own issues and cannot imagine such intimacy in such a short period with the man I don't really know. She told me she would pay for the night, but only not him. Fortunately, nobody paid and I did not have any additional debts because Covid spread fast and the upcoming end was clear.

At that time I was feeling in loss (due to money loss), a kind of cursed person generally...but later he proved to be so wrong in many ways, not really bad, but not right for me, too selfish and I think even narcissist (this he tried to hide of course).

Only online, either local or distance, but I am not ready yet for real life meeting with someone.

Yes, that guy did not ask for any pics or something of me, like 90 % of men did, but this gesture was not nice, and some others too.

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## Paula

Im glad youve been able to see that this was not the right relationship for you. And, love, we all learn from mistakes - you could have been hurt more deeply from this one, and I am so grateful you werent.

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## Suzi

I totally agree with Paula.

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## selena

Has anyone had such situations when a friend turned to a church with radical views like Westboro?

My best local friend suddenly turned this way and I cannot recognize her anymore, she has been sending me daily links, quarreling with parents that she is right!

Deeply inside, she is such a good person. It affected me a little and I will never convert. 

Her voice seems troubled. Myself being anxious, I don't know how to cope better.

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## Suzi

Oh hunni, I hope that it's "just a phase" as some of those views I personally find abhorrent. 
Is this a new conversion?

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## selena

She is really a kind person by her nature, donated blood for my mom and others, helped me in hard times by being by my side.

She has always been a bit unusual. Yes, always believed in God. I can get her parents' reaction, she being their only child. 
But some time ago I noticed something but cannot grasp what happened.

She is 25, like a little sister to me, always being protective of the people she loves and cares about and not only. When I was going to Paris, she was really worried for me and was sure that the guy was wrong.

Today I have sent link to a song, but she said it is a sin to listen to music, even not all classical music being admitted. I was shocked, I did not care about the links she sent to me, seeing them just as something she read and wanted to share.

Such a joyful and peaceful person, she was not baptized, but the family traditionally celebrated Christian holidays. 

I was shocked when I heard her troubled voice, trying even to convince me to come there. I do not need it...Now nearly everything has become a sin: listening to music besides the church's admitted songs, watching movies...passing to wear traditional long skirts. She told she is happy of never getting to any dates, because she wants a man with strong and deep faith. 
I do not know how to behave, just willing to tell her I am by her side anyway, although I am anxious when she tries to convert me or make come there.
Her parents are very worried about her, especially mother. She told me her mom wants her to be like everybody else. I tried to convince her to be milder with her parents, but she told me: "There are sin things on TV, they can judge someone, I cannot be hypocrite for my Lord and any Christian should be ready for God's coming." 

I gave her a present she has always dreamt of - a book about Ingrid Bergman. She told me she will probably read it, if it is not a sin, reading most of literature can also be a sin.

She told me she is happy on this path, but she seems troubled. 

I don't know much, I respect her, but these views in my opinion are not healthy, but she interprets everything in her way, stating that this is true.

I don't have energy or desire to argue with her, it seems so sad losing a friend, I mean it is hard now.

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## Paula

I dont have any experience like that, but I do have a husband and 2 children who dont share my faith. All I can say is that - as long as it doesnt impact your faith - you should love her, pray for her and let her know you will always be her friend

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selena (29-05-21)

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## Suzi

Why is it a sin to listen to music? What about hymns/sacred music? 

I agree with Paula. But, I think you should be honest and tell her that you feel that she is trying to pressurise you to convert to her path... Stay on your path, pray etc Tell her you want to be her friend...

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selena (29-05-21)

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## selena

I am not sure about hymns, but her church's sacred music is surely admitted, the others' is proobably  discussable.

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## Suzi

For me, I struggle with that. Yes of course there is music which is purely secular, but I don't see them as being against God..

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## selena

With my friend we managed to keep our communication alive.

But something made me feel upset. The man I was supposed to see in Paris in 2020 messaged me and wrote: " We had got along so well, if not corona, you would have been my wife".
I communicate with the other men, but this saddened me so much.

He lives with another woman, but told me if I come to Paris, we can meet. But I see it as pointless.

His phrase about "if not corona..." nearly killed me. So it is about destiny or he is completely not right?

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## Stella180

Don’t listen to that crap! You barely know this person so for him to say something like that is rubbish. Don’t look back, look forward.

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selena (15-06-21)

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## Paula

That sounds so manipulative to me. Ignore it. Block him!

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selena (15-06-21)

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## Suzi

Woah! Run away from him! What an absolute twat! There was no reason for the communication etc to stop because of Corona! 

Hunni, definitely have nothing to do with him...

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selena (15-06-21)

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## selena

It is what I have done, blocked him.

But before this, after he had suggested romantic feelings for me, I just asked him what are his feelings for the woman he lives with. Then it is not about love, but convenience.
He replied that actually the most important is the goal and convenience in possible future union and it does not matter if he has no feelings for her.

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## Stella180

He sounds like a player. Uses women for what he wants. You deserve better than that.

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selena (16-06-21)

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## Suzi

You do deserve much, much better than that. Stella is right.

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selena (16-06-21)

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## OldMike

That guy sounds manipulative best to avoid him like the plague.

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selena (16-06-21)

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## selena

I can say now I am not angry with him anymore.

He did well that he told the truth about not being alone, but I told him this kind of meeting is not good at all. And I will feel horrible going to meet him and knowing the other woman is waiting for him home. I just told him he is not single and that is the end of discussion.

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## Suzi

Well done lovely!

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## selena

I am so glad that my best friend has not changed her general kind way of being, despite following more strict religious path. 

And that she did not judge me for being affected by depression like the others would have done.

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## Suzi

Anyone who judges you isn't worth your time love.

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## selena

I  am saddened to see my best local friend removed her Facebook account, but I respect her will and she respects I guess my views too...
Her argument is Facebook and any social accounts are against God and are temptations....She unwillingly has recognized that her church teaches that reading, watching movies or documentaries, listening to nearly any kind of music and having social accounts is a sin....
However, it is not a sin to use her free-of-charge services and help....

2020 and even 2021 was hard for mental health and destroyed many nice moments...
From my sad experience, trying hard to change someone's mind is useless, she/he will do what they want or consider right. So I have just decided to stay by her side, because she is so nice and kind person on all levels....

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## Suzi

I'm sorry that your friend is believing all that. 
I can understand you standing by her because she is your friend. That's kind.

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## selena

I see that it seems like a sectarian indoctrination. And I can only imagine her mother's feelings, who is absolutely fine with living life in modern conditions and my friend being the only child.

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## Suzi

All you can do is be there for her and help her to see things more realistically...

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## selena

I have passed through a pretty horrible half period of August. But the things have been sorted out or almost. All this and loneliness certainly had a bad impact on my mental health.

I am going on holiday by the end of September. My dad has been trying to convince me coming there promising that he will sleep in his mother's room during my visit and will offer his room to me.

However, this trip will be certainly a bit expensive, taking into consideration restrictions and tests. And people knowing the situation do not recommend it, because I can get stuck there and who knows the way his mood turns.

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## Paula

So, where else do you think you might like to go?

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## Suzi

Why was half of August so hard love? 
Do you really think that going to your father is a good idea? Do you WANT to go? Or are you thinking about it because you think you should because he is your father? Do you trust him to allow you to come home or do you think he will try to get you to stay?

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## selena

First of all, it was water leak in my apartment with major damages, then my boss's pressure and finally minor knee injury. Then this grieving mood before September - the month of death of closest persons.
I think I will just have a rest here in my place because the cases of infection are rising again. 
No, I don't think so and deeply inside I think he hopes for a carer to his mom. But in the moments of despair and loneliness, I think I start imagining different things. 
I don't think he will put obstacles, but if the borders will be closed, I don't think he will help me to get back home.

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## Suzi

Oh my, you've had a lot of horrible things. How bad is the damage? What happened with your boss and what have you done to your knee? 

I think going to his doesn't sound like something you actually want to do love. Don't be pressured. It's your life hunni...

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## selena

The neighbor partially paid the damages, him being bankrupt, this makes impossible complete payment. There are some damages needing repairing, like painting or ceiling reconstruction in one room. 
As for me, I have been lucky not to have any serious injury, just falling from not recontructed stairs and then the doctor saw it and said it will probably be soon fine, not needing any additional procedures. On that day, my friend came immediately to see me. Someone told me that I should try to change her strict religious views. But I see no point as far as she is such an amazing person and kindness being her main feature generally, not only with me.
MY boss found my diary (just certain pages after my mom's death) and said that this is such a shame and any connection to depression should be hidden, because in her view respectful people and those with BA, MA cannot be depressed! She wondered how I could have been affected . I don't understand her, because I do my job and that is the most important.

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## Suzi

Are you able to get help with the ceiling reconstruction?
You fell down the stairs? Ouch! Glad it's not something needing additional procedures lovely. 
Glad your friend came to see you. With regard to her religious views, sweetheart she seems to be kind and if you challenge her too much you could lose her as a friend. I've always said that as long as people don't push their religion on me then it's up to them what they choose to believe in. 
What on earth was she doing reading your diary???? That's unforgivable! Hunni, you know that depression doesn't only pick certain people, it doesn't discriminate at all. Your boss is talking crap.

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selena (05-09-21)

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## selena

It is a hard work, but little by little it will be done. 

Yes, I usually take everything with myself, and yes, my boss is not right here at all.It just hurt me so much.

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## Suzi

Maybe leaving your diary at home might be a better plan for the future? Although she was totally out of order reading it. 

How's your knee now?

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## selena

It was an old diary actually, yes, and sometimes I wrote something being in the park, but from now on I guess I will keep the diary with any sensitive issues at home. 

Thank you, it is better.

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## Suzi

Glad your knee is better.

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selena (05-09-21)

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## Paula

You shouldnt have to feel you need to leave your diary at home - shes an appalling woman!

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## selena

Her words were so cruel when she told me that educated people should not be related to depression and that this is "a habit".

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## Suzi

It's rubbish... 


Sweetheart can you start a new thread please, this one is over 100 pages long now. Thank you.

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