# Help and Advice > Coping with Depression >  When is it gonna be my turn?

## Stella180

Ive had an horrendous few weeks. Oh how am I kidding its been a lot longer than that but the past few weeks have pretty much broken me. I dont really know where to start I just know I cant do this on my own anymore.

Im sick and tired of being sick and tired. I may be an independence person but Im fed up with having to deal with so much  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  on my own. I just want somebody to care about me for a change but everyone else is a priority over me. Im only good for what I can give and then Im on my own again. I will admit Im not the best when it comes to opening up about my feelings but thats in part because in my family nobody really cares about my feelings. Its like Im more of an inconvenience (unless someone needs a favour) so nobody thinks to ask about how Im doing. 

I dont even know if coming back here is a good idea but Im running out of options and I just need to vent.

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## Paula

Hey, lovely, its good to see you back  :): . First thing, you are not broken - you are far too strong for that. That doesnt mean that youre not hurting, your last few weeks have been particularly hard, but that I know youll get through. Saying you need support and you cant do this alone takes courage, and Im proud of you for doing that

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## Jaquaia

Good to see you back! You're stronger than you think though

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## Suzi

Welcome home love. 

Hunni, you aren't broken. You are valued and loved and cared about. Things have been tough for a while and with everything with what's going on right now is going to add to everyone's issues... 
I agree, you saying you need support is huge for you and I'm so proud of you...

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## Stella180

This may sound a bit selfish but I feel it’s justified. 

My sister has always run around after everyone else but doesn’t give me a second though. She was the one who helped drive a rift between me and my brother after my dad died not that she has ever accepted responsibility for her part in it. She has however been amazing in helping him and his partner out during his illness and I respect her for that. She did the same for our Mum and is so much more than I could’ve handled. I’ve now lost both parents, and my brother. Now it’s just me and her but I feel like I don’t ever exist. 

My brothers partner has 4 adult children and 12 grandkids many of those old enough to be classed as adults. She is not short of support. However, my sister has practically been living with her since my brothers death because she feels lonely. Again honourable actions from my sister but what us? Her epileptic husband, who I learned last night is going to hospital this week for testing related to prostate cancer, or her children one of whom has had to deal with the death of someone else close to him shortly before my brother passed, or me as I am completely on my own and have no other family to lean on. 

I might be the strong independent type but I’ve got so much going on right now and the one immediately family member I have left can’t find the time to call or pop round (considering she lives in the next street) to check up on me. I hate that everyone else is thought more important than me and even when she is told that I’m struggling I get a couple of hours of her time over a meal out and that’s it. No follow up. Nothing. I’ve felt like an outsider my whole life and that’s because I am. I just want someone to put me first for a change. To be there for me when I need someone. To just talk about what’s going on. My family have never really known who I am cos they’ve never bothered to try and understand me. 

She did contact me last night. To ask if I would drive her and her hubby to the hospital appointment because she doesn’t like driving. When I told her I was self isolating due to coronavirus I got a simple “ok”. I had to push to find out why they had to go to hospital and she didn’t even think to ask if there is anything I needed. For someone so thoughtful and caring of others she does a good job of making me feel inferior.

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## Suzi

I'm not defending her, but you do come across as someone who is strong and that you just get on and deal with everything. You don't often ask anyone for help or open up to how you are feeling. Could it be that she actually doesn't realise you're struggling?

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## Stella180

Suzi you know what happened when you spelt it out for her. It’s always been the same.

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## Suzi

I'm sorry hunni... Have you asked her?

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## Paula

This is why Im so glad youve come back to the family who does care about you

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Suzi (18-03-20)

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## Paula

How are you doing, lovely? How is Talia? Having fun with her?

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## Stella180

Talia aka snuggle pup aka super sausage is still snoring the lazy toad. Waiting to hear back from the vet about her latest blood test and see if we can confirm the cause of her issues. It’s highly likely to be hypothyroidism as the ticks a lot of the boxes. She really is the most loving dog anyone could ever ask for and I’m so lucky to have her company.

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## Jaquaia

We wouldn't have trusted anyone else with her

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Stella180 (19-03-20)

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## Suzi

Aww so glad you're loving having her! How is she getting on with the birds?  :):

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## Stella180

I see your distraction and I’m going with it. Puppy talk is all good  :O: 

Just back from walking the princess. Cos there was a bit of drizzle she stopped by the car waiting to be let in. I don’t think that’s how exercise works but credit to her for the attempt to get out of it. 

As for the birds she usually ignores them but on occasion tries chasing them when they are out which I funny cos her being about a foot and half tall and the birds flying around a further 5ft higher.

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Suzi (19-03-20)

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## Suzi

That's hilarious that she's trying to get into the car lol Her trying to catch the birds sounds so funny!

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## OldMike

I'm glad Talia and you are getting on okay pets can be a real comfort at times.

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## Paula

:(giggle):

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## Stella180

> I'm glad Talia and you are getting on okay pets can be a real comfort at times.


Hey Mike, how ya doin? Yeah, she is a great comfort and I feel so privileged to have her for company. My days of peeing alone are well and truly a thing of the past lol

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## Suzi

Peeing alone is overrated....  :O:

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## Stella180

Got my benefits paid today which is a huge relief. I’d wiped out my savings account so now I can start building it back up a bit. I try to have a few quid put aside in case of emergency. I’m hoping no more testing needed with the vet, fingers crossed and I can start building my savings back up again. Feels good putting money in the account instead of taking it out. 

I’m gonna have myself an early night and find some random audiobook to dose off listening too. G’nite peeps.

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Paula (19-03-20)

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## Suzi

Glad you've had that through. Every positive huh?

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## Stella180

Got a call from the vet at lunchtime. Talia’s test results confirm an under active thyroid so been to pick up her first month’s worth of medication. Gotta go back in 3 weeks for bloods again. I’m just glad we found the problem and can treat it. I’ve already fallen in love with that crazy mutt so it’s gonna be good to see the improvements as time goes on.

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## Paula

Really good news! Its treatable. (And she joins an exclusive ish club  :O: )

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## Suzi

YAY! That's awesome!  :):

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## Stella180

> Really good news! Its treatable. (And she joins an exclusive ish club )


Dunno about exclusive but someone else I know who has the condition is pretty special to me too  :O:

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Paula (21-03-20)

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## Stella180

> YAY! That's awesome!


Not sure I’d go with awesome but I now have a pill popping buddy.

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## Suzi

It is awesome. It's treatable and nothing sinister...


How are you today?

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## Stella180

Talia woke me up this morning. I got up went to the toilet came back to the bedroom to get dressed and by that time she was back to her sleep beautiful impersonation. Starting to worry about everything being closed today. Living on my own with virtually no human contact is one thing when you choose to live that was but even I need to get out of the house for my sanity to go get something to eat or see if the local shop has anything interesting in. Now these small freedoms have been taken away and it sucks. All the times I’ve been told to get out of the house and do stuff for my own well-being and the aid with my mental health and now I’m being forced to do the opposite. It’s one thing being locked up with your family for company and society in general I think needs this, not just cos of the virus but for family bonding, but for those of us who have no one it’s harder than you could imagine.

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## Suzi

I know it's tough, but you still can do things like take Talia for a walk, you have your garden - I know it's not the same, but right now it's going to take everyone to be ultra careful to stop this thing... 
You can still have some contact with people, just not in a pub, club, sporting or leisure setting. You can still talk to people online/skype/whatsapp/facetime etc I know it's going to be really hard, especially as you've just discovered social events that you enjoy and love like Aspies, but you will get through this....

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## Paula

Have you thought about using Zoom to keep up with the other aspies?

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## Stella180

We’ve got a messenger group and discord. I know one friend in particular is struggling really bad and for many having this disruption to their routine is difficult. Yeah I’m a bit peeved and Aspie has been such a positive influence on me this past year but I handle things a lot better than some others there that’s for sure.

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## Suzi

At least you've got methods of being in contact with each other - I know it's not the same, but maybe all be online together when you would normally be together at aspie?

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## Stella180

It’s not quite that simple for me. I’m tempted to meet up with a couple of dog owners and go for a walk. Yes I know there is risk but we can still keep our distance while out with the mutts.

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## Suzi

Why isn't it that simple to get together online?

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## Stella180

Can’t describe it. There is something about the atmosphere at Aspie that can’t be replicated. 

Talia doesn’t like taking her meds so much but I think the cuddles that follow make up for it. She’s a good girl. Gonna curl up on the sofa and watch a couple of episodes of I’m Not Ok With This before me and the snuggle pup head up to bed. Saturday nights have never been so much fun.

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## Suzi

Poor Talia! She'll get used to it.. maybe in a bit of cheese?

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## Jaquaia

She'll sometimes eat the cheese and spit out the tablet. Cocktail sausages often work but only when she doesn't see you put the tablet in it. The number of times she's eaten the sausage around the tablet then spit it out...

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Stella180 (22-03-20)

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## Paula

Corned beef is sometimes good as you can mould it round the tablet. Or chorizo. - its strong smelling so covers up the smell of the tablet

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Stella180 (22-03-20)

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## Suzi

ROFL she's not stupid!

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## Jaquaia

She does a good impression of it sometimes!  :(giggle): 

Corned beef has worked but again, there have been occasions where she's eaten the corned beef and spat the tablet out...

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## Stella180

She has a choice. She gets her tablet wrapped in something nice or we go back to the old fashioned tried and tested shoving the thing to the back of her mouth clamping her jaws and massaging her throat until she swallows. I’m pretty sure the first method is best for her.

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## Stella180

Happy Mother’s Day! Huh! Yeah right. So many mothers will be kept away from there families this year but I’d like to think that most families will at least call. I won’t hold my breath waiting for a call. It’s my eldest’s 16th birthday on Tuesday and I don’t know what to do. It’s a really big deal for many reasons but this damned virus has screwed everything up. I’ve waited so long for this day and now... Don’t I get enough crap to thrown at me as it is? It really does feel like the universe is conspiring against me.

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## Suzi

I know that's how it feels, but you know rationally that's not how it is. It's bad timing, but you could still call or send his presents or something? Even drop things on the doorstep and stand back a bit so you can see him opening them?

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## Stella180

Oh come on Suzi, this is the perfect excuse for them to not open the door. As of Tuesday Robert has the legal right to live wherever he chooses and no one can stop him not that he would come home to me. He’s got so much more to be thinking about right now but I miss him and his brother so much.

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## Suzi

I can't imagine how much pain it is for you... Can you contact him and tell him that you're going to drop his presents off at x time and you'd love to see him open them standing at the door?

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## Stella180

I’ve had friends send my these dumb chain messages for Mothers Day, for all the “wonderful mother’s” and all it does is hurt. They know the score yet somehow still think sending me that crap is suitable. I know they mean well but it’s just another example of people doing what makes them feel better. I just wanna rage and tell them all to F Off and leave me the hell alone but what good will it do? The same thing will happen next year. The same way people know I don’t like unsolicited hugs and even though it makes me uncomfortable they still insist on doing it. How is that good for me? It’s obviously all about them. 

I spent this morning playing around with my card making stuff. Put a few simple cards together for a few of my Aspie friends in the hope it will help to lift spirits now we are all back to hiding away from the world even though it’s for a different reason.ive got a ton of paracord kicking around the house so if anyone would like me to make you one just say. Send me your wrist circumference measurement and an address and happy to post one out to you. It keeps me occupied and you get something out of it too.

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## Paula

I doubt its intentional, stupid yes, thoughtless yes, but not intentional.

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## Suzi

Is the hug comment aimed at me? 

Sweetheart I'm sure people just didn't think. I don't know anyone who would want to intentionally cause you pain...

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## Stella180

No it wasn’t aimed specifically at you but if the cap fits and all that  :O:  

I was hoping a curry and a beer might help to cheer me up. It didn’t. Watching the Horrible Histories Movie and then heading up for an early night. Try and work out what to do about my lads birthday.

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## Suzi

We're going to watch that tomorrow I think....  :(bear):  *hugs*

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## Stella180

So I’ve made my decision. I’m gonna head over and take his card and present tomorrow morning as I normally would. I doubt very much that I will be allowed to see him so I’m gonna write him a short note asking him to call me as my other gift plans for his birthday had to be cancelled due to this damned virus and I wanna explain what will happen once this lockdown is over and normal business resumes.

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OldMike (23-03-20),Paula (23-03-20)

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## Suzi

I think that sounds more than sensible.

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## Stella180

So I’ve spend most of the afternoon/evening lay on the bed in tears. Even the smallest things are overwhelming. Nobody seems to understand me. Nobody trusts me. I feel like I have to tip toe around everyone in my life so as not to upset them but no one gives a damn about how I feel so why would they try to understand my I feel the way I do. I’m not like other people. At least not the majority. I guess I always knew that, and now I know why too but it doesn’t make being me any easier. I’m sick of the tears, sick of hurting, sick of being alone. I don’t know what to do.

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## Paula

Hunni, its a horrible time for you, with Mothers Day and Roberts birthday. Im not surprised its hit you hard and everything else seems so much harder to deal with. I wish I could take the pain away but I cant - all I can do is reassure you that you have people in your life who care about you and who really do give a damn about how you feel.

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## Suzi

Hope it's gone OK with R's birthday love. 

Who doesn't trust you? I do... and you know you don't have to tiptoe around me or your other friends... We will always do our best to understand, but you have to tell us what's in your head as clearly as you can so that we can do that...

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## Stella180

I dropped off his card and present, with a note asking him to call me. We’ll wait and see what happens. I didn’t get to see him and didn’t ask under the circumstances. They’ve been having trouble accessing the school site which has been a pain but they have got the majority of their grocery delivery so all good there. They are kinda isolated in the small town where they live so grateful they have all the essentials. 

As for what’s in my head...I’m a bit paranoid that with the battle for access going on I’m worried someone will see what I’ve posted and use it against me. I got a password change request for one of the old pet FB profiles we used years ago for playing games on the other day. Everyone from their family is blocked from accessing my posts and I think my ex has tried to get into it so they can see what’s going on. Anyway it’s safe to say that losing my brother, fighting to see my boys, Mother’s Day, birthdays, another family member in hospital, my sister thinking of herself first as usual and this lockdown and the fears surrounding being isolated for 3 months pretty much has taken its toll.

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## Suzi

I can understand that...

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## Stella180

Another example of the small things winding me up. I’m gonna lose my  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  before this weeks over. 

Months ago I suggested an Aspie chat group on messenger so that members can stay in touch on the days when Aspie is closed. Some thought it was a great idea others were more worried about the number of message notifications and wanted no part of it. One was extremely vocal about this. Of course now that we can’t open this same person has set up a discord chat group and thinks he’s a genius. Yawn. Today a couple of the counsellors asked to join the group which I thought was a good idea, but they only joined to tell the members they were setting up their own group chat. I mean really!? Do we need 3 different groups for the same bunch of people? It’s just causing confusion and those who thought the idea was a bad one when I first pitched it are now all getting involved. I was ready to just remove myself from everything, the FB page, and group chat, everything. Social media and messaging service are supposed to be the saviour in times like this but all I wanna do is tell everyone to sod off and leave me alone. I’ve already deleted the FB app on my phone cos I was sick of all the false information being shared by morons stirring up panic. Maybe I’m better off riding this out on my own and steering clear of all interaction. Just me, Talia and the birds.

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## Paula

Why do you let it get to you, hun? If they want to triplicate everything and waste their time, thats their issue, surely? Just ignore them and let them get on with it. And maybe be pleased that a seed you had sown bore fruit?

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## Suzi

You could just join the one and leave the others to it so you aren't in 3 different groups?

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## Stella180

But we’ve had a group for months and it’s been going great so who have the others sprouted up? What’s wrong with the one I set up unless I can’t be trusted to watch over it? Yeah I might be just another member but I’ve tried to do so much for the benefit of the others. More than some of the staff actually but that counts for nothing. Maybe I’m reading to much into it but it’s got me down.

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## Suzi

Why don't you ask? 

It might just be that those who run aspies wanted to have an "official" group...

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## Stella180

It is an official group! I’m admin on the FB page and it was set up for members.

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## Suzi

But are they "in control" of it and what's posted? We had a similar issue with the IMPACT group, so we had to agree to not post anything related to the course, or the course materials or the meditation etc....

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## Stella180

Just had a video chat with the family mediators who have said because they still refuse to respond to calls and letters there is no point trying mediation again and waste more time and money so she is sending a certificate to the solicitor and making a court application. The solicitor needs me to get hold of a few house valuations for my legal aid application. Not sure how I can do that with the lockdown in place so that might delay things. I’m terrified of going to court and with legal aid still not confirmed at this point I could end up with a bill up to 7.5k. I should feel good about things moving on and closer to a solution but I don’t. Too many ifs and buts I need to sort out.

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## Paula

Any idea when youll know about legal aid?

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## Stella180

Can’t get a valuation done until lockdown is over so could be 3 weeks, or 3 months.

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## Suzi

It IS scary. Anyone would be scared in your position and you're right, the uncertainty isn't going to help at all!

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## Stella180

It’s finally happened. I’ve gone completely bat  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  crazy! After just 2 1/2 hrs sleep I woke up before the alarm and to my surprise the snuggle pup was alive at 7.30 too. When the alarm went off at 8 I was dancing around the landing with the dog singing to Asia-Heat of the Moment (yes Paula that really is my alarm tone and you’re probably the only one who gets it except it’s Friday not Tuesday. Again)

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## Jaquaia

Did she need a poo? It's the only time I've known her willingly get up before 9!!!

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Stella180 (27-03-20)

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## Paula

Oh be still my beating heart!!!

https://youtu.be/ByMEQ0cWRVA

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Stella180 (27-03-20),Suzi (27-03-20)

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## Stella180

> Did she need a poo? It's the only time I've known her willingly get up before 9!!!


She did spend most of the day asleep yesterday the lazy sausage so she had more than enough. She goes straight out the moment she gets up anyway. Didnt check to see what she was doing. 

Just watching Picard. Not really the disappointment some claimed  it to be. Really enjoyed this series and look forward to the next.

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## Suzi

I've loved Picard too, but I haven't finished it so no spoilers please!  :):

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## Stella180

No spoilers. I promise. I’ve found a new use for getting old and memory loss. Currently sat watching Iron Man for the first time in years and I remember very little of the film so despite having seen the film before it’s like watching it for the first time lol

In other news Talia is taking all her toys out in the garden to play while I veg with the MCU. Also a lovely lady from the local CoOp came around to collect my shopping list and payment before returning with my groceries. Staff using their own vehicles to offer a service out of kindness and I’m not usually the kind of girl who shows emotion but there was a warm lubrication of my eyes knowing that people are willing to help out anyway they can. Yes it is a little more expensive than the major supermarkets but I will be using them more often not just during this health crisis but after too. Max respect to the staff going the extra mile for their customers.

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Suzi (27-03-20)

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## Paula

Oh, Ive had that perk of getting old for years!

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## Stella180

Well I am younger that you so only just catching up  :O:

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## Suzi

That's so kind of them at Coop! Definitely something to remember after all this is over.

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## Stella180

Just seen a “debate” online about swedes and turnips. I thought they were pretty much the same thing however that didn’t stop me from spending the last half hour researching them. When is this self isolation going to end? I’m going have to change my relationship status on FB to “in a relationship with Google”.

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## Suzi

So, is there a difference? I thought they were the same thing pretty much too!

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## Jaquaia

Swedes are larger with yellow flesh, turnips tend to be smaller with white flesh

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## Stella180

Indeed Jaq you clever little monkey. All I know is they are both a bitch to chop and taste great in a stew.

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## Paula

> Swedes are larger with yellow flesh, turnips tend to be smaller with white flesh


Just a few days and shes already got the hang of village life .....

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Stella180 (27-03-20)

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## Jaquaia

:(giggle): 

Have to admit I knew that already!

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## Stella180

It’s cos you got book smarts.

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## Suzi

Do I want to know why you knew that Jaq?

How you doing Stella?

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## Stella180

Thought I'd try to get my laptop out to play today. Don't use it very often cos do most things on my phone and can I find the blooming charger? I blame this new cleaner. She puts stuff in weird places and I can never find a thing. Oh well, wish me luck in my search and I might be back shortly. 

Oh and yeah, I'm ok Suzi. Bit better today than I have been anyway.

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Suzi (28-03-20)

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## Stella180

Panic over! Charger has been located and it wasn't the cleaners fault at all. It was still in the bag from when I last used it on CHRISTMAS DAY!!! Well I did say I don't use it often.

Ok so the past week has been difficult for a million and one reasons but this morning I do feel a bit brighter so I'll take that. I've got a fair bit of admin to do over the weekend due to the incompetence of my solicitors secretary to copy and store documents correctly. Oh well, it gives me something constructive to do and the family mediator needs the same details for Legal Aid (yes they have to apply seperately even though it's all the same case. Absolute madness). 

Also going to apply for an Access Card. My CEA card has expired and needs to be renewed but decided to go with the Access Card as the range of use goes further than the cinema and acts as evidence of disability (I still hate that word) and need of support when requesting tickets or special measures. I know technically you don't need to have a card but it's easier than carrying your PiP paperwork around as evidence and yes a lot of places still ask you to prove why you need support. Plus the other bonus is the Access card works out cheaper than CEA and lsts for 3 yrs rather than just 12 months.

The snuggle pup isn't happy with me because I kicked her off the sofa. She keeps nudging my arm for cuddles while I'm trying to type so she had to go.  I'm such an evil hooman. Cuddles will be resumed later. Speaking of later, I dunno if anyone is interested but thinking of getting a few folk together on messanger for one a Music Battle. Great way to battle the cabin fever and socialise which remaining isolated. Just let me know if you wanna come and play. It'll be fun.

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## Paula

> Bit better today than I have been anyway.


So love that sentence!

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## Suzi

Never heard of an Access card, am just looking into it! Thanks! 

So glad you are feeling better than yesterday lovely...

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## Jaquaia

> Do I want to know why you knew that Jaq?


 I am a well of useless knowledge  :(giggle):

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## Suzi

:(rofl):   :(rofl):   :(rofl):

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## Stella180

need more players for the music battles. Looks like a regular feature during quarantine

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## Stella180

Yeah I know the clocks have gone forward - reminder for anyone who forgot, but being awake at this time of night is never a good thing. Had fun playing the music battle game with friends and ended up pouring my heart out to one of the lads in feel kinda bad about it now. He has so much to deal with himself and there’s me chatting about trivial crap. I am finding it so hard to find the right balance in life right now and not sure where I should be standing. Feel exhausted but can’t sleep. Let’s hope you don’t see me again til at least midday.


Maybe a bit random but if anyone other than staff members bother to read the crap I write please feel free to make yourself known.

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## Strugglingmum

Just saying 'Hi Stella' 
I haven't been that well and appear to have lost the art of conversation. .... but yes, I'm out here.  :(nod):

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Stella180 (29-03-20)

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## Suzi

Why do you feel bad for talking to someone about how you are feeling? 
Did you get some sleep?

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## Stella180

Hi strugglingmum. Just curious of whose about really. 

Yes Suzi I did sleep. Workaround 8 ish but soon went back to sleep again.

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Suzi (29-03-20)

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## EJ

I’m here too. I flit in and out.

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Stella180 (01-04-20)

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## Stella180

Hey EJ, how ya doin?

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## Suzi

How you doin'? (Said a la Joey obviously!)

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## Paula

> Why do you feel bad for talking to someone about how you are feeling?


Exactly. Youd hate it if any one of us didnt want to pour our heart out to you!

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## Stella180

Alcohol may have loosened my tongue slightly and yeah I guess you're right Paula, the thought of someone else suffering in silence would upset me but you also know that in your own head those same rules don't apply to yourself. 

Had a fun night with the music battles last night with a bunch of new players from Aspie. I think they enjoyed it too. Got some random tunes playing in the background now to keep the vibe flowing. Music fixes everything right?

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## Suzi

Do I ask how much you'd had to drink? What did you say to them?

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## Stella180

I had a fair bit but I was alright. I opened up about why I hate myself and I deserve to hurt cos I’m a horrible person. All the stuff you’ve heard a million times before but it’s not something I’ve shared with my new group of friends until now. Others think I’ve actually pretty much got my  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  together, I’m the one they turn to for advice and stuff and I guess it makes me feel really vulnerable admitting that I’m just a mess with a pretty good mask in place. 

I kinda hoped that getting the answers I was seeking at the end of last year would put an end to the speculation and lead to me accepting myself for who I am but instead it has only led to more questions. Yes I have an autism spectrum condition, it’s been a part of me my whole life and although it doesn’t define me it does lead to certain limitations and I have realised that some of the aims I had were unrealistic and  I’ve had to reassess so many goals making them more realistic. I’ve not always liked it and in true Stella style I’ve pushed things around trying to make them fit before finally and reluctantly letting them go. That was the easy part. Now I need to know who I am. Learning about “masking” and the fact that throughout my life it became an integral part of life in order to help me to try and fit in. I literally have different personalities for different groups of people but I don’t know which one is the real me?

----------


## Paula

Can you try to accept that youre human - which means youre going to screw up but youre also going to get things right? I mean, even I screw up sometimes ( occasionally :O: ).

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Stella180 (29-03-20)

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## Suzi

What kind of things is it giving you limitations on?

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## Stella180

I'm not sure I worded that right Suzi but what I mean is that I got really upset about not being able to do the simple things that other people do without thinking and sometimes these things are a real struggle for me. An example, doing the washing up. It might take someone else 10 mins to get it done but for me it would take 30 mins because of how I prefer to do it and my inner perfectionist means I have to check and check again that every item is spotless That the items are washed in the correct order and placed on the drying rack accordingly. When I was doing my construction skills course I had the best scores of the group because I was obcessed with accuracy but it was stated on the feed back that it took me a lot longer than it should (only because they had to give some kind of feedback that wasn't excellent or 100%)Things that to me are perfectly logical and get the job done right first time  but the detail I go into isn't the same maybe as everyone else so judging myself against what others can do isn't fair on me because I'm not like everyone else. I struggle massively with executive functioning at times as you've all been aware for a long while and I need to learn not to beat myself up over that because it is just another symptom and not being able to cope with a situation in that moment is not just me being lazy or procrastinating.

So yeah, I can't compete with NTs despite thinking I was "one of them" my whole life and now I know why I didn't fit in and couldn't do stuff the way I was expected to. I wasn't a failure I was autistic.

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## Suzi

I live in a house with 3 people with Aspies, I get it....

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## Stella180

With it being Autism awareness month next month I've decided to write something which will hopefully make those who have known me a long time and think that it's impossible for me to be on the spectrum something to think about. To recognise that it's always been there but they just never put the clues together. Thats if anybody actually bothers to read it. I'm probably wasting my time but I just want people who supposedly care about me to accept that this is real and just because I don't have serious learning difficulties, a low IQ or non verbal doesn't mean I don't have it. It's mad that you am expected to prove that I have the condition despite an official diagnosis. I'm too clever, or too sociable, or too normal.

I know you probably find it amusing that I was so adament that I couldn't possibly be on the spectrum and now I'm trying to convince people that I am. I guess I'm trying to educate others who are as ignorant as I once was. It's not a bad word, it's not scary, it just explains why I am the way I am and I guess I want people to think about all the times I've said or done something wrong, and they thought I was just being difficult for the sake of it, that I wasn't. I just see things in a different way and express myself honestly. I say what I think rather than think what I say and often it's not until others react to it that I even realise it could be taken the wrong way. Oh what am I telling you guys for? You already know this and I genuinely appreciate the way you handle me. I step out of line and you call me out on it. Paula is especially good at telling me off and I love you for it  :):  

I need to find entertainment before I die of boredom. Sorry for boring you lot with my drivel.

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## Suzi

For what it's worth I don't think you have anything to "prove" about having or not having Aspies or anything else. I certainly don't find it amusing about you being adamant that you couldn't be on the spectrum as I remember quite how upset you got with me about it..... 
I know that you see things differently and you say what you think, I know how things can be taken  on either side... but that's not necessarily due to your ASD alone.. 

You are you, no matter what the diagnosis... 
It wasn't boring at all...

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## Jaquaia

You are Stella, one of my closest friends, who just happens to have an ASD diagnosis. You are not Stella, my autistic friend. I love you no matter what, even when you're being a twat. :O:

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## Stella180

No possibly not but it sure is a trait amongst many others. Wanna share your thoughts???

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## Paula

You dont have anything to prove to me .....  and, yes, Ill call you out if I think its needed, as Id expect you to do the same for me  :):

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Stella180 (30-03-20)

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## Stella180

I’ve sat and watched Aladdin tonight. One of my favourites but instead of making be feel good I still feel pretty flat. Time for bed I think.

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## Jaquaia

Your diagnosis hasn't made any difference to how I see you, it's a part of you but not all of you. When I told my mum about your diagnosis, her immediate response was "oh! Oh well, she's still our stella!" It explains some things but it doesn't change who you are, not to us. 

You need puppy cuddles!

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## Suzi

Which version of Aladdin? 

How are you this morning?

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## OldMike

Certainly not drivel and an ASD diagnosis doesn't affect who you are though it gives an insight in to how you feel and behave.

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Stella180 (31-03-20)

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## Paula

> Which version of Aladdin?


Does it matter? Theyre both awesome!  :(party):

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## Stella180

> Certainly not drivel and an ASD diagnosis doesn't affect who you are though it gives an insight in to how you feel and behave.


YES!!! Exactly this! I want people around me to have that insight, to understand me better but they can only do that if they understand the condition. Thank you.

Suzi I was watching the animated movie cos I love it. Remember going to the cinema to watch it with a friend back in 92. IÂve not seen the live action version yet but I will give it a go today and let you know what I think. IÂm glad you give a good review Paula. A promising start.

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## Suzi

Hey I loved both versions too!  :):  

How are you doing today love?

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## Stella180

Ok. It’s Tuesday and I’m determined that it’s not going to be like the past three Tuesdays. For some reason it all hits the fan on Tuesdays lately so today I’m just gonna chill with some brain dead stuff like listening to chill out tunes, and playing games on my phone. Gonna take the dog out for a drag in a bit and try and work out what to have for dinner tonight as the cupboards are getting bare. It’s really good that the local CoOp is delivering but that’s only any good if you know exactly what you want and cos I don’t know what they’ve got it’s kinda difficult. My sister is a waste of space cos I asked her to grab me a few things at the week end and she failed dramatically. Gonna try a Tesco click and collect I think. An excuse to get out of the house with limited exposure.

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## Suzi

Hope that your Tuesday is going well.... Did you manage to get a click and collect?

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## Stella180

Nothing available between now and April 20th for delivery or collection. Have tried Tesco and ASDA so far. Sainsbury’s is next on my list. It is ridiculous that something we all do every week/month has suddenly become so difficult.

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## Stella180

I give up!!! Didn’t wanna eat for the next month anyway.

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## Paula

Have you called any of them to tell them you have health issues? It takes time to get through but it was worth it for me - I get available times opened up once a week

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## Suzi

Call them lovely and tell them that you need their help.

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## Stella180

I went to Tesco to grab a couple of things to keep me going for a few days. In the past supermarkets weren’t my favourite places but EVERYTHING was different! Even trolley parking bays had moved and because I was stressed enough as it was I didn’t wanna go searching for a trolley so grabbed a basket from the hand washing gestapo at the door. This was after negotiating the miles of tape to contain the queues. It was actually really quiet in there but even so the system was flawed. I specifically took my sunflower lanyard with me so staff were aware I have hidden disabilities and maybe realise that meant that I am especially vulnerable it this time or potentially in their eyes. Well that was a waste of time. When at the till and waiting to be served the woman behind started loading her stuff onto the conveyor belt and encroaching MY space, so I move forward slightly ensuring side distance was between us all.... and got told of for stepping over the line!!!! Clearly the 12 yr old on the till didn’t understand that 2m apart doesn’t mean one standing at 1.80m and another at 2.20m is still only 40cm even if the 2m line is between them!!! I was too stressed to argue and just wanted to get out of there. While going around I was thinking about there restrictions about the items you can buy and realised that that system doesn’t work either when good people are going shopping for vulnerable neighbours and despite shopping for 2 households are still restricted to the limits of one. And what about the larger families? Those who normally buy monthly? This means more trips to the shops and added exposure. The world has officially gone mad.

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## Suzi

Sorry you struggled with it today. What about going in the special opening times for vulnerable and elderly?

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Paula (31-03-20)

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## Stella180

I couldn’t get all I wanted as I couldn’t carry it all in a basket so have to go back at some point. I might go take a look in the morning but if there’s a queue I ain’t gonna be sticking around.

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## Stella180

Been awake since 4.30am, I was convinced I heard Talia trotting around downstairs so got up to let her out. However if I bothered to turn the light on I’d have seen she was tucked up in her bed. Being the evil witch I am I made her go out anyway to make it worth my while and now I can’t get back to sleep. Probably doze off 5mins before the alarm goes off.

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## Suzi

Oh no! Did you get back to sleep?

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## Paula

Are you going to allow yourself to sleep today without feeling guilty?

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## Stella180

I will if I need too. Talia’s having a mad half hour cos I dared to leave the house before she woke up and I think she’s glad to see me. I’ve been to get the heavy stuff from Tesco that I couldn’t carry last night and called out a rude staff member that when an elderly gentleman was confused by the slalom queueing system (where there was no one queue) instead of letting him in made him walk around and some cheeky buggers without trolleys ducked under the tape to get in first, not only that but rudely said “we can’t make it any more obvious!” We’ll that got my back up so when I got to the door I had a word with her and told her actually Yes, they could make it more obvious and explained how. She started making excuses and arguing with me and I just stopped her and said “I’m not arguing with you, I’m telling you that the system is flawed and humiliating vulnerable customers is not on” I understand the staff are under a lot of pressure right now but that’s no excuse to be as rude as she was.

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## Suzi

It's good of you to stick up for someone who may not have been able to do it themselves... 
Did you get what you wanted to?

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## Stella180

Yep, it was mainly drinks and canned stuff. I’ve got enough to feed myself for the next week or so.

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## Suzi

Good!  :):

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## Stella180

Bath time with waterproof speaker and lots of Pink and Linking Park! I was a little envious of Jaq posting about her bubble bath so a thought I’d copy her. It’s been a couple of months since I last had a nice long soak. Don’t worry I have showered since then lol. It probably sounds daft but even though I prefer a bath to a shower it somehow feels like too much effort when I’m not feeling great. Yes, putting the plug in and turning two taps is considered hard work. I wonder why? I shouldn’t really ask that question cos trying to find logic in an illogical mind altering illness is a pointless exercise.

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## Suzi

I think it comes down to it being a treat, rather than a quick shower itms?

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Stella180 (01-04-20)

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## Jaquaia

I get it. Up until Monday night, it's been J who has run me a bath as I just couldn't be bothered. He's on nights though so had to do it myself this week!

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## Stella180

I’ve not done a lot today but no napping despite my lack of sleep. Don’t even feel tired. I’m sure it’ll catch up with me eventually. Had some giggles with an elderly friend in the states about coronavirus. She’s isolated on 2.5 acres in the Southern California desert with her dogs. Hard life eh? Wondering if I should cook or get takeaway? Not really that hungry as I had a late lunch cos I stuck a ready meal in the microwave to cook and then forgot about it for a couple of hours. Doh! I suppose I can afford to skip a meal without wasting away. I feel like all I’ve done since this lockdown is eat. Maybe I should just take my meds early and go lay on the bed and read. That usually sends me to sleep sooner rather than later.

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## Suzi

Hope you get some sleep lovely xx

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## Paula

Hope youre sleeping, see you tomorrow  :):

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## Stella180

Hmmmm, no still awake. Thinking about tomorrow and if something I do will get the response I hope for. I’m probably going to be disappointed.

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## Suzi

Why automatically think in the negative? 

Is this about your FB post?

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## Stella180

Yeah. I know the people who are gonna be fine with it, it’s more the people I want to see and take notice. Family mostly. I’ve tried to give them a lightbulb moment by pointing out the glaringly obvious and the connection to my diagnosis. I didn’t seek the Dx as another excuse not to work, or the cover bad behaviour, I don’t want special treatment I just want to be understood. I’m appealing to the people who I really shouldn’t have to explain myself to yet in my world that’s exactly what I have to do. It’ll probably go in one ear and out the other and be a total waste of time and effort but at least I’ve tried.

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## Suzi

I think you've done well tbh....

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## Stella180

Thanks Suzi, fingers crossed eh. 

I’ve only gone and done it again! Put a microwave curry in around 12 o’clock and forgot about it. Got carried away making paracord bracelets and keyrings for people at Aspie and forgot about lunch. Reheated it a second time and sitting down to eat it now. I really can be useless. Doh!

Had a nice surprise this morning what I received a call from my “adopted” mother. Me thinks someone’s been telling tales Jaq lol. She’s armed with the tv remote so all is good. Was nice to hear the voice of another human being even if they do talk funny up that end of the world.

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## Suzi

That's great that you're keeping busy and that you're having contact with others..

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## Stella180

Well only one family member has acknowledged my FB post, a cousin way up north and she has a son on the spectrum. Oh well, I tried. At least those in the know appreciated it. I’ll just continue to be invisible to everyone else. Why the hell should I care what they think anyway?

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## Jaquaia

> Had a nice surprise this morning what I received a call from my “adopted” mother. Me thinks someone’s been telling tales Jaq lol. She’s armed with the tv remote so all is good. Was nice to hear the voice of another human being even if they do talk funny up that end of the world.


 :(angel): 

She's always armed with the tv remote! Everytime my dad gets it he asks her to teach him how to use it!  :(rofl):

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Stella180 (02-04-20)

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## Stella180

Your mum is ace. Nutty as a fruit cake but still ace. Lovely lady.

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## Suzi

> Well only one family member has acknowledged my FB post, a cousin way up north and she has a son on the spectrum. Oh well, I tried. At least those in the know appreciated it. I’ll just continue to be invisible to everyone else. Why the hell should I care what they think anyway?


Just because they haven't commented doesn't mean that they haven't read it and are trying to digest the info...

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## Stella180

Im not hopeful.  :(:

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## Suzi

I know, you seem to be expecting negatives a lot atm....

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## Stella180

Don’t I always? Expect the worst and anything else is a bonus. My sister isn’t exactly the brightest spark but the things she has said since I told her about the diagnosis have really hurt me. Initially her response was “oh well, now you know you can do something about it”. The day before our brother’s funeral she’s talking about his partners 17 yr old granddaughter who is also on the spectrum (her mum recognised me from visiting Aspie) and how she didn’t know if the lass would come to the funeral despite wanting too because “you know what THEY can be like”. I’m not sure which hurt more. The fact she referred to people or the spectrum like we’re a whole other species, or that she clearly doesn’t accept that I am one of “them”. That is what sparked me to post something to make her and other family members who also dismiss the dx (my aunt doesn’t believe it’s a real condition but an excuse for bad behaviour) that this is a real thing and I don’t want to have to pretend anymore to be someone I’m not. I want them to understand me and who I really am. I want them to have that lightbulb moment and realise that everything fits. That the problem isn’t me, it’s their perception of me that is wrong. 

As you predicted Suzi, so many things from my past, have started to make sense now I know and I want the people I care about and who I thought cared about me to look at situations past and present with the new knowledge they have and experience those aha moments too instead of dismissing it.

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## Suzi

Hunni, sometimes people are just not able to understand things that they can't see.... All we can do is keep on chipping away with the right messages and hope that they listen and understand eventually.... However for every one who doesn't, there will be far more who do listen and do learn...

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## Stella180

But she’s me sister! She’s the only immediate family I have left. I’ve always felt like a stranger to my family, an outsider, like I didn’t belong. That has to change and she’s the last chance.

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## Suzi

Then have you tried telling her exactly that?

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## Stella180

How? It’s not an easy conversation to have.

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## Stella180

Woohoo! Just checked my emails and Sainsbury’s has recognised me as a priority for delivery. Finally, I might actually get myself sorted on the grocery front.

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Paula (04-04-20)

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## Stella180

Just spent the best part of an hour on the phone to an old friend who is in lockdown due to health conditions despite being a midwife. She also shared some disturbing news regarding to the coronavirus situation locally which I wouldn’t be surprised it it spread nationwide. I’m not in the habit of spreading rumour but at the same time I advise everyone to be strict about lockdown and not to take any risks. This is a serious issue and only adherence to the rules will help us beat this.

Anyway it was nice to hear a friendly voice and has encouraged me to reach out to other friends struggling with isolation. We may not be able to meet in person but with technology we have no excuse to reach out to those who may be alone.

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## Stella180

Just took Talia around the block off the lead for the first time ever. Apart from an incident with a fox she was a very good girl. Still wouldn’t trust her when more people are around but it was still a positive first attempt. She’s earned herself extra cuddles for sure.

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## Suzi

Glad you've got the Sainsbury's email, I had one too. 
So glad you heard from your friend, but I'm intrigued as to what happened with the fox....

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## Stella180

Simple enough, she saw a fox and gave chase down someone’s driveway. Other than that she was very good but wouldn’t trust her normally off the lead. It was only cos it was late at night I risked it.

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## Paula

Did you get any sleep?

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## Stella180

Not really. Was up all night. I’m absolutely shattered.

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## Suzi

Do you know why aren't sleeping?

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## Stella180

I got a few hours in this afternoon. Dunno why I’m having a few dodgy nights but it happens every now and again. I’ve managed to get a grocery order online from ASDA but no delivery til a week on Thursday. Just have to get the basics from CoOp in the meantime.

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## Suzi

That sounds like a sensible move with the shopping love. Hope tonight is a bit better re sleeping...

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## Stella180

Received news last night that my cousin in London who contracted Covid 19 has passed away. A friend is really struggling mentally, another friend has called me 3 times already today the dog has drooled all over the sofa, the house is a tip, and I am digging deep to stay sane.

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## Paula

Oh love, Im so sorry  :Panda: 

One thing at a time - the house can wait, but you need to prioritise yourself so cant be having several people lean on you. I know it sounds harsh but youre dealing with shock and grief, take care of yourself and everyone else will have to either rely on themselves for a while or turn to someone else

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## Angie

I'm sorry to hear that Stella  :(bear):

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## Stella180

You know me by now, I’m the least important person in any equation.

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## Suzi

Oh sweetheart I'm sorry about your cousin... 
First things first, you need to let yourself grieve love... Then you can tackle the other things. Maybe ask the friends who are leaning on you to take a step back just for a few days, make a start on having a shower, then start washing up etc but bit by bit....

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## Stella180

It’s not like we were especially close or anything but growing up I spent so many school holidays down south with them. Since the issues with the family after my dad died it made my brothers funeral awkward but the moment I walked in he was so nice to me, even said he was looking forward to seeing me as it had been so long and he’d missed me. Quite possibly bs but still it was nice that he took the effort to try and make the day a bit easier by being so kind. We even discussed the whole Covid 19 thing as it was still new to this country at that point and had the opinion that is you get it you get it. Yes he was high risk as a diabetic and due to previous experimental medical procedures 30 yrs ago he found out after a stroke before Christmas that part of his brain was literally dead due to arteries being thinned and limited blood flow. I think in a way the fact that he was still going, all things considered, he didn’t think a mutated flu bug would take him down. Is death has brought this whole issue so close to home and is so much scarier as a result. I’d been keeping myself calm by looking at the stats in a positive way and that common sense will prevail but when something bad happens to someone you know it becomes personal. Since October I’ve lost an uncle brother and a cousin. In a way I kinda wish I was next so I don’t have to deal with anymore loss.

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## Suzi

You've been through a lot love.. I bet you are nearing yourself up and not being kind to you either.....

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## Stella180

Who me!? Never lol

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## magie06

Can you try to get some rest tonight and try to sort things out in your head tomorrow?

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## Suzi

Maybe you need to be trying to be kind to you?

----------


## Stella180

I knocked up a paracord key ring for a friend in him football teams colours, had an hour long video chat with some of the Aspie crew and indulged heavily in Marvel movies this evening. Swooning over Thor as I type this. So yeah, I have been doing my best to just chill out but body and mind don’t always sit on the same page. Maybe you’re right Magie and I should try and get some sleep now and worry about stuff tomorrow.

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## Paula

Youve suffered a lot of grief recently - whether your cousin was especially close or not, he was family and it still hurts. I know your instinct is to do as many things as possible to distract, but if you push yourself too far you will crash. Please try to take it easy over the next few days, make sure you take a Talia out for her daily walks and get some fresh air, and try to eat sensibly

----------


## Jaquaia

So sorry about your cousin but you need to look after yourself. Lots and lots of Talia hugs too

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## Stella180

I’m getting my fair share of puppy cuddles thanks to your beautiful pupster.

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## Jaquaia

She has zero concept of personal space but sometimes that's what you need with her

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## Stella180

I feel like ventriloquist and she’s my dummy. Lol

----------


## Suzi

Did you get any sleep?

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## Stella180

Til about 2.15am and then it was on and off til just after 7am. Closest thing to exercise has been walking to the post box. Spent the morning making cards and a couple of paracord bracelet and keyring sets while watching Captain Marvel. If and when Aspie reopens we’re thinking of making some stuff that we can sell at craft fairs. Just getting a head start and keeping myself occupied.

----------


## Paula

I get the feeling that were soon going to be banned from any exercise - could you try and get out with Talia for just 10 minutes a day, while you still can?

----------


## Stella180

Yeah I’ll take her out in a bit. She’s been out playing in the garden most the morning and now snoring on the sofa next to me. I’m just enjoying being snuggled up with her.

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## Suzi

It's great you have her to snuggle up with, but I agree with Paula, getting out while you still can seems like a good idea...Love that you're crafting too!

----------


## Stella180

The whole thing is a bad joke. I already feel like a prisoner. 16 months since I last spent any meaningful time with my kids but we can put the legal case on hold for another 3 months if that letter drops on the mat cos I can’t get the information legal aid require, and I can’t attend court anyway. The support groups I was attending have gone out the window, no cleaner or gardener so I’ve lost my practical support too, but hey I shouldn’t moan, I get my groceries delivered to the door...if you don’t mind waiting a fortnight. THIS IS HELL!!! I’m trying to be all the right things but I am not OK!

----------


## Suzi

I know things are different, and I know that you are struggling, but you can do this. I know it's really, really hard. You can still have some support with video chats etc... I know they aren't the same, but maybe it'll do for now?

----------


## Paula

Youre right, this is hell. All of it is complete and utter  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: . But it will pass, you will get that court date, you will get back to the support groups. We will all get through this, together.

----------


## magie06

The others are right. Most of us are finding this very difficult atm. But talking here helps. The days are very long, and the nights can be too, but please tell us what is the  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: test part of the day.

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## Stella180

> but please tell us what is the test part of the day.


Usually just the part from when I wake until I go to sleep :(:

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## Suzi

> Usually just the part from when I wake until I go to sleep


That's really dismissive. Not all of the day is that bad - What about other things that ARE positive - talking to friends, playing with Talia etc?

----------


## Stella180

Everything is an effort at the moment. Talia’s company obviously helps but I don’t really have the energy to do much but have to do something to try and break the boredom.

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## Suzi

I have a link with loads of ideas of things to do indoors which might help, I'll add them to the corona thread...

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Stella180 (07-04-20)

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## Stella180

Managed to get showered and dressed and sneak out to Tesco for some fresh fruit and veg and something nice to drink. oh and maybe a few treats like a big fat trifle and a few cans of different craft beers to try. I love some of the names or these beers and instead of just giggling at them in the beer aisle I thought I’d try some.

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## Suzi

Are you drinking more than normal atm? Are you taking care of you at all?

----------


## Stella180

The beers were 3 for £5, don’t thing I’ll be getting wasted on that. Plan is one a night. Looking forward to trying the one called ‘Dark Arts’. Tomorrow nights delight is ‘Sour Solstice’. I have been drinking more and last couple of months. The day of my brothers funeral I got wrecked. Anything to try and subdue the pain and I have been going a bit too crazy maybe once a week but not every week. I’ve decided it needs to stop. One beer with my dinner for a couple of nights is a bit different to necking back a ton to get ratted.

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## Suzi

Absolutely. I'm glad you're going to calm it down lovely xxx

----------


## Stella180

Thought as the weather was good and the ground is a bit drier I’d take the dog for a wander around the local woods. Originally didn’t see many people but as I got a bit closer to the countryside centre people started coming from nowhere. Not loads but enough for my anxiety to spike. All these years anxiety has told me people are bad, stay away and now it is confirmed my fight or flight system has been preparing me for the Covid 19 pandemic. Talia was really excitable and full of energy but 30 mins later she’s a bit calmer. She’s definitely lost a bit of weight cos I’d been just hooking the lead to her collar recently but as she was a bit excited I got the harness out and had to tighten it up quite a bit. Suppose I better start making my way back. Hopefully the snuggle pups energy is all used up by the time we get home and I can have a chill out too.

----------


## Jaquaia

She's doing brilliantly with you. Send that video to my mum on whatsapp, she'll love it. 

Knew we'd made the right decision  :O:

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## Suzi

Well done lovely.

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## Paula

So proud of you  :):

----------


## Stella180

For walking the dog? Nothing to be proud of. It’s Talia you should be proud of. We covered 2.25 miles which is the furthest she’s ever gone with me and even on the field near my house she was still running around off the lead. The first week I got her she was knackered after about a third of that distance. It was really nice to see her enjoying herself off the lead and playing fetch with her ball and chasing butterflies. 

However I am absolute shattered and we stopped half way to just sit and enjoy the surroundings. Been chatting a lot about where I grew up the past couple of days and realised just how much I miss heading out to the middle of nowhere with just nature for company. I’m fortunate enough to have the woods around me and although it’s not the same as country lanes farms and canals I’m still pretty lucky to have nice surrounding even is I do live on a council estate.

----------


## Suzi

Well done Talia! That's amazing!!! 
I miss living 10 mins away from the New Forest at times....

----------


## Stella180

I literally live in the middle of Perry Wood. It’s a lot smaller than the New Forest lol but it’s better than nothing and a little further across the estate is the Worcester Woods and Countryside Centre with a couple of trails to follow and normally attracts a lot more people. A couple of miles down the road we have Warndon Woods too. Kinda spoilt for woodland walks around here.

----------


## Paula

> For walking the dog? Nothing to be proud of.


Of course there is!

----------


## Stella180

Feel free to explain Paula. It’s something I do every day, ok it’s mostly a 10-15 min wander not an hour long trek but still nothing to be proud of.

----------


## Paula

That even when youre struggling, youre doing this  :):

----------


## Suzi

I think it is too. You're doing this, putting her needs first and really working past how you might be feeling...

----------


## Stella180

I’m not just doing it for her but for her real family. In my head she’ll never be mine. I’m just the caretaker, helping out some good friends and as a reward I get her company. I look forward to this lockdown to be lifted so I can take her back home for a visit. Don’t get me wrong, I love this dumb mutt with all my heart. She is so sweet and loving and I couldn’t ask for a better house mate. There are no words to describe how I feel about being trusted to take care of such a precious pup and faith put in me. I was terrified about taking her on cos I genuine don’t believe that I am worthy and I’m terrified of letting everyone down. I’ve barely had her 2 months and still scared that I won’t live up the expectation. I don’t exactly have the best track record when it comes to looking after other living being, human or animal and I can’t even look after myself properly. I think it’s time I went to bed.

----------


## Paula

How are you doing?

----------


## Jaquaia

Right missus, and don't argue either.

You did what was best for Max, you put his needs first despite how painful it was for you, so I knew you would always put Talia's needs first. 

She loves you, and you love her. I've seen that everytime you visited. So has my mum. I was avoiding sorting something out for Talia out of guilt, it was my mum who asked me to ask you and she's generally a good judge of character, so there!

Since Talia has been with you she's thriving. She's getting regular walks, lots of love and attention and she's happy and thriving. My area sent my anxiety sky-rocketing so I avoided it. With you she's going out everyday, losing weight and looking in brilliant condition. You've got her thyroid sorted, I didn't even think about another cause for her weight as the vet never even suggested another possible cause. You're doing a brilliant job with her, as I knew you would, and I think she's benefitting you too. Have I mentioned she's thriving?

----------

Paula (09-04-20),Suzi (09-04-20)

----------


## Suzi

Well said Jaq! She's obviously happy and loving you an loving living with you...

----------


## Stella180

> How are you doing?


Fed watered and medicated. Feeling completely exhausted. No energy for anything and just wanna sleep.

----------


## Suzi

So what are you doing this afternoon?

----------


## Stella180

Sleeping

----------


## Suzi

Is that because you didn't sleep last night?

----------


## Stella180

No I slept fine last night or so I thought. Still feel tired now but had my dinner and watching a bit of tv and I’ll be heading back up to bed again. I feel so drained it’s unreal and rest is being forced upon me.

----------


## Suzi

Are you taking care of you at all?

----------


## Stella180

I’ve managed two meals today in between sleeping. Just had a video chat with a mate and spent most of the time yarning to heading back up to bed and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

----------


## Suzi

Your card made me smile today, thank you. It was such a lovely thing to have in the post! So that's something else you've done today if it helps...

----------

Stella180 (09-04-20)

----------


## Stella180

Glad it had to intended affect. Sent out a load of cards to hopefully lift spirits slightly during these difficult times. Who doesn’t like to get a surprise in the post?

----------


## Jaquaia

It definitely made me smile!

----------

Stella180 (09-04-20)

----------


## Paula

Me too! Its next to my chair in the lounge and makes me grin every time I look at it  :O:

----------


## Suzi

See you've brightened our days!

----------


## Stella180

I also had a good response from the Aspie crew I sent the cards to. We can’t do a lot at this time but I wanted to connect the old fashioned way. It kept me occupied to knock up a batch of cards and remind friends I am thinking of them. I woke up this morning so a message from a counsellor at Aspie who has been making masks and wants to send me one which is really nice. Despite another 7 hrs sleep I still feel tired. Really don’t understand why.

----------


## Suzi

Why were you up and posting at 5:15? I thought it was only me up at that time!

It's a lovely thing to have done x

----------


## Stella180

Woke up just before 5am. I did spend most of the day asleep yesterday and was spark out by about 10 last night. Although I seem to be done sleeping I’m still feeling drained of energy. Tried to take her ladyship for a walk through the woods this morning but I didn’t get far before giving up. The woods nearest me are on a steep incline and I thought it would be good to build up Talia’s muscles but my lungs were in worst shape. We were only out for about 15-20 mins and I felt like the walking dead. Took the bins out and even that was hard work. I’ve got a bloke coming round later to look at the garden and try and tame it a bit. Grass is past ankle high out the back so desperately needs cutting. And the brambles are taking over.

----------


## Suzi

The pictures from the walk this morning look lovely! Well done for getting out! 
Is your asthma bad? Is that due to the high pollen count? 

Hope the gardener comes and wants to take on your garden!

----------


## Stella180

He’s just been and agreed terms so he’s starting next week. Yeah it’s my asthma playing up, when the seasons change my chest starts to play up. Feeling a bit tight and it’s most probably down to allergies as I’ve been struggling on and off for about a month now. Need to dig out my antihistamines I think.

----------


## Suzi

YAY for gardener! 

Are you taking your inhalers properly?

----------


## Stella180

I’m out of salbutamol. Not used it since changing to Fostair at my asthma has improved a great deal. I can’t remember when I last used my salbutamol inhaler and the ones I have here are expired. I need to put an order in for meds so I’ll get another put in.

----------


## Suzi

Hunni, you really do need to do that asap....

----------


## Stella180

It’s just a bit of discomfort. I’m fine. With the Fostair if I get bad I can actually increase my dose up to 4 times my current amount which is why I’ve not bothered renewing my salbutamol before now but it doesn’t hurt to have one in the house just in case.

----------


## Paula

A bit of discomfort is never a good thing with asthma ....

----------


## Stella180

A little short of breathe and a slightly tight feeling in my chest. It's fine I promise. I've been down this road many times before. I know my body.

----------


## Paula

Stubborn wotsit....

----------


## Stella180

You've known me how long and have only just figured that out? lol Tonight I will be mostly eating takeaway and playing the music battles on messenger. If anyone want to join in just say the word

----------


## Suzi

Sorry lovely, logged out early last night, so I didn't see this. Hope you had a good night love..

----------


## Stella180

Yeah it was alright. I gave up around 10.30 cos I was shattered. There was a lot of rock played last night.

----------


## Suzi

Lol, did you sleep?

----------


## Stella180

Yeah I slept fine. Not having a great day though. Have only just dragged myself out of bed. Need to feed water and clean out the birds but apart from that I have no plans for the rest of the day except to veg out listening to tunes and watching crap on tv

----------


## Paula

How does Talia get on with the birds?

----------


## Stella180

She doesnt even notice them most of the time but when they are out sometimes she tries to chase them not realising they their superiority in the air means she will never reach them

----------


## Suzi

Lol! Were you able to get up to let her out this morning?

----------


## Stella180

oh yeah talia was up and out for a pee but soon came back up to bed with me.

----------


## Suzi

So no matter how bad you are feeling today you still put her needs first...

----------


## Stella180

Honestly, I left the black door open for her to come and go as she pleased.

----------


## Suzi

But you still got up and opened it...

----------


## Stella180

Tonight been on a video call with some of the Aspie crew and started another music battle with them. Some good tunes with good friends on an easter weekend even if it is only via the internet instead of the gathering we were going to have this weekend

----------


## Suzi

It's good you have some continuity and are able to meet up in some shape or form...

----------


## Stella180

And getting together over music makes it even better. Had everything from Five Finger Death Punch to the Beatles!

----------


## Suzi

That's fabulous!

----------


## Stella180

Good morning all and Happy Easter! It only took me 2 1/2 hrs to get out of bed this morning lol. Ive managed to sort my meds for the next 3 weeks and have placed an order for my inhalers. Even Talia has her own dossett box, only cos I can never remember if Ive given her the meds or not and need a visual aid. Ive got so much that needs to be done but I really dont know where to start. Determined to get something productive done today though so might start a list of jobs for the week and go from there. Check me out being all organised and stuff!!!

----------


## Paula

Awesome post!

----------


## Suzi

Hooray!! A fabulously positive post!  :):

----------


## Stella180

List writing not going as well as I hoped. Got a few annoying little things on for today, and a couple of essential things. I’ve tried my hardest to break it down into manageable chunks but some jobs I’m finding harder to break down as the week goes on. I’m sure I’ll figure it out eventually but hit a brick wall for not so walking away. Anything to avoid overload and meltdown. I’m going to go for a drive and drop off the Easter eggs to the dynamic duo. Not going to stick around just dump them on the doorstep knock and run.

----------


## Suzi

Going to the boys seems like a good thing to do. Still being positive about achieving something today is also brilliant.... If you wanted to say what the things were that you were struggling to break down, maybe writing them here and seeing if we can help at all might be a plan?

----------


## Stella180

Guess who is only just back from seeing the boys? Spent ages chatting with their grandma and the boys came down for a short while. The little man didn't stick around for long, he wanted to get back to playing a game on the xbox with his friends but my eldest sat on the stairs by the front door and we had a nice chat about rubgy tickets, and school stuff and what he's going to do after and it was great. If only we could have these kinda conversations more often. I feel on top of the world right now and cos it's taken me 3 hrs to deliver a couple of eggs the chores have gone out of the window. My roast dinner has been replaced by a chicken and stuffing sandwich and a bag of crisps from the shop on the way home. It can all wait until tomorrow.

----------


## Jaquaia

I think that's far more important than chores!!!

----------

Stella180 (12-04-20)

----------


## Angie

I'm with Jaq x

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Stella180 (12-04-20)

----------


## Suzi

OMG That's amazing!!!! I'm SOOOOO pleased for you!! YAY!!!!

----------

Stella180 (12-04-20)

----------


## Stella180

I'm chuffed to bits about having a conversation with my lad. Apparently his projected grades are pretty good but he doesn't wanna go to sixth form and is interested in an electronic engineering apprenticeship. I'd be happier if he went back to school but it's ultimately his choice.

----------

Suzi (12-04-20)

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## Strugglingmum

What a great way for today to turn out.

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Stella180 (13-04-20)

----------


## Paula

Thats awesome! Im sooooo chuffed!

----------


## Suzi

That apprenticeship sounds fab! Electronic engineering has great prospects! If he's found something he loves then I hope he grabs it in both hands and goes for it!

----------


## Stella180

He’s been doing really well in science, especially chemistry and finds the subject easy so I was kinda surprised he didn’t wanna go further along that path. His dad did electronic engineering so he’s kinda following in his footsteps. So long as that’s the only thing he follows his dad for. I am a bit worried about the youngest. He didn’t really seem all that interested and considering how he was always begging to come home with me the 16 months has clearly impacted on him. All I can do is keep showing up on special occasions so he knows I’ll always be there for him in any way I can but I get a feeling that the damage done can’t be reversed and I’ll never have him back the way he once was.

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart no one knows what's going on for him - you certainly aren't being given the opportunity to find out.... Give him time.

----------


## Paula

> Sweetheart no one knows what's going on for him - you certainly aren't being given the opportunity to find out.... Give him time.


This and ........ hes at that age. Hormones do weird things

----------


## Stella180

Somebody call DynoRod, I've just had a shower!!! My personal care seems to have gone out of the window of late as well as my surrounding being in a bit of a state. I'm at the point where it's all going too far and I'm struggling to get on top of it. I have a feeling of dread come over me at the thought of putting the laundry away, or sweeping the floors or tidying my bedroom. I know I will feel better once it's done but trying to push myself past this invisible barrier to get it done it is so tough. Just taking a shower and I feel wiped out. I have my list of things to do but it's prioritising the jobs I'm finding hard and that little voice in my head saying "must do better, you're a failure". I'm no quitter and I will get there cos I have to but I feel dead on my feet.

----------


## Paula

Then I hope youre resting before you think about the next job! Well done for that bit of self care  :(bear):

----------


## Suzi

Your little voice in your head is wrong. You don't quit and you are stronger than you'll ever give yourself credit for being.... You can do this.

----------


## Stella180

I got as far as doing some lunch (which involved swearing and tears), washing up (even more swearing),  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ing everyone off (cos heaven forbid I should speak out when my feeling are getting trodden all over), and vegging out on the sofa with the snuggle pup. Maybe I’ve got myself all worked up over nothing but it doesn’t feel like nothing to me. Avoiding social interaction for the rest of the day so as not to cause more upset to myself or others.

----------


## Suzi

Hold on.... Who has trodden over your feelings? What has happened?

----------


## Stella180

I changed the photo and name of a chap group I started months ago for the Aspie lot, much to the dismay of someone who only joined the group a couple of days ago. Someone else is adding anyone he likes because stupidly I turned off the approval needed function and I just feel like it’s all got out of control and I snapped. I’m just having a bad day and everything I tough turns to  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  so I don’t even know why I bother trying.

----------


## Suzi

Right, stop and breathe. You and I both know how upset someone can get even with what seems like the most minor of changes when ASD is in the mix... So remember that to you it might have been a small change, but to them it could make such a huge difference that it sends them into a full meltdown.... 
WRT the one adding people, ask them to stop and kick people you don't think should be there - it's your group, so take back the control....

----------


## Stella180

Change? It was a change 3 days ago to be included. She didn’t even know the original group name but had noticed a message to say I had changed it. I don’t care any more. Have left the group so they can do whatever they want with it.

----------


## Suzi

That sounds like a bit of a knee jerk reaction love.... I understand it's not the brightest of days, but does this mean you're going to miss out on the contact from the rest of the group over the actions of a couple?

----------


## Stella180

Yes! It absolutely does. These people who don’t like change have already moved on and there’s no room for me on the bus.

----------


## Suzi

Give it some time, you may want to join in again... Don't burn all your bridges lovely...

----------


## Stella180

I’ve not exactly been great the past couple of days but I have just signed up to a 5 week beginning course to learn guitar online. Haha, seemed a fun thing to do and I have been promising myself I’d learn at some point. Need something to give be purpose right now. 

As for the group chat Suzi, that’s done. Apparently some other members have set up a new “official” chat group and I’ve not been invited. I think that speaks loud enough. Let them get on with it I say.

----------


## Suzi

I'm sorry about that group love... 

Well done on the guitar learning!  :):

----------


## OldMike

Learning guitar sounds like fun acoustic or electric?

----------


## Stella180

Acoustic

----------


## Paula

Great skill to learn!

----------


## Stella180

My first “priority delivery” from ASDA arrived today and I don’t know what to do with so much food! I’ve got tons of fruit and carrots which I suppose I’ll have to share with the snuggle pup lol I’ve got a few ready meals and tons of drinks. Trying to work out what to have for dinner tonight. I’m not used to so much choice.

----------

Paula (16-04-20)

----------


## Suzi

Yeah!! That's brilliant!

----------


## Stella180

Went with chicken Kiev, followed by lemon tart. Lots of yumminess. Oh and I actually got around to doing the roast dinner last night. First time I’m ever seen Talia’s bowl so clean. 

Despite the novelty of a full fridge, I’m still feeling a bit sorry for myself so headed up to bed early with the gorgeous little snuggle pup who I caught posing earlier and had to take a pic. She is such a pretty little lady.

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  :(bear):  Hope tomorrow is brighter...

----------


## Stella180

Ive just done something I may regret later. I have received some money from my brothers estate and to be honest I never really expected anything seeing as me werent on speaking terms for the past few years. Anyway Ive just ordered a new iPhone, the first brand new phone Ive bought in a long time and a pretty big purchase. Dunno what possessed me and already starting to feel guilty cos I dont really deserve the money and spending it feels wrong especially on something as stupid as a mobile phone.

----------


## Paula

Its not stupid, it keeps you connected - especially important right now. And as for not deserving it? Thats crap - he gave you that money for a reason, and shows he still loved you despite everything thats happened. As for not deserving it, nobody deserves any inheritance. Its not about deserving, its about that person showing they that you were important to them and I hope that, every time you use it, you can remember the brother who loved you

----------

Flo (19-04-20)

----------


## Suzi

I couldn't have said it any better than Paula..... Use it, remember the good times and keep connected with those you love... Seems like a very worth while purchase to me..

----------

Flo (19-04-20)

----------


## Stella180

But I already have a phone that works fine. I’m perfectly able to use that to stay in touch. I didn’t need to blow a ton of money on a new one. So many other practical uses for the money rather than indulging in expensive tech. I guess it’s something else to hate myself for.

----------


## Stella180

This week I have been irritated by practically everything. I’ve tried to pull the positives from stuff but it doesn’t feel right, like I’m just trying to force feed myself BS. I don’t want to play online games with people, I don’t want to video chat or talk to anyone. There’s nothing on tv I wanna watch, can’t be bothered with the craft stuff, I’m just fed up with everything and everyone. I feel the frustration building up so I walk away from whatever it is to try and cool down but I’m running out of things to do other then stay in bed.

----------


## Paula

> But I already have a phone that works fine. Im perfectly able to use that to stay in touch. I didnt need to blow a ton of money on a new one. So many other practical uses for the money rather than indulging in expensive tech. I guess its something else to hate myself for.


Well dont. Youve treated yourself for what is the first time in a very long time, perhaps years. That is never something to hate yourself for.

----------


## Suzi

I completely agree with Paula. 
You have to find a way to be kind to yourself - you are grieving, poorly and struggling with lack of contact and continuity which are all massive triggers to a melt down.... You've ordered a phone. That's a good thing. When was the last time you spent money on you without it being a necessity? Better than spending it on general shopping or take aways or beer.....

----------


## Stella180

Oooh beer! Think I might have a couple tonight.

----------


## Stella180

Oops! I seem to have accidentally been up all night watching Live Aid. Can’t believe it’ll be 35 yrs this summer since that took place.

----------


## Flo

Thought I was the only saddo up at this time of day haha! As for the inheritance ....don't question it just enjoy it! Remember, there's no taste in nothing in life! Besides if everyone refused inheritance, it would probably just go back to the Crown! Enjoy your new phone.....life is to be enjoyed, not endured! I'm full of silly little sayings like that. So, like you....I'm running out of recordings, B all worth watching on the tv, sick of crosswords, the bits are hard to find for my new jigsaw and I'm fed up baking cakes...but apart from that I'm fine!! :(rofl):  Might do some weeding later....

----------

Paula (19-04-20)

----------


## Suzi

How much did you drink? Did you eat?

----------


## Paula

Couldnt agree with Flo more!

----------

Flo (19-04-20)

----------


## Stella180

I had more than a should’ve and yes I did eat eventually even though I went to the loo and Talia nicked my food! We were not friends for a while after that. But we’re all good again now she’s given me some lovely cuddles to say sorry. 

This morning I took delivery of a new set of landline phones as mine weren’t working properly but I don’t want to disconnect the old ones. I still have a couple of messages saved on the answer machine from my baby boy, and I don’t wanna lose them. Nothing special about the messages but it’s not like I get to hear his voice lately. I know I’m gonna have to bite the bullet at some point but I just wanna wait a little longer, and prepare myself to do it. New mobile is coming tomorrow so that’s exciting. No more home button so might take some getting used to. It’s gonna be weird. One of the things I’ve always loved about the iPhone is that functionality has always been very similar throughout the range over the years but first it was the removal of the headphone jack and then the home button which Im actually a sad about. The round home button on the iPhone was iconic. I’m rambling. I’ll stop now.

----------


## Suzi

Have you eaten today? If Talia ate your food, did  you eat a proper amount? Can you play the message and record it?

----------


## Stella180

I’ve only had a bit of chocolate so don’t think that counts as real food. Need to cook dinner and gonna have Spaghetti Bolognese

----------


## Suzi

I'm really concerned that you're not looking after you properly. You aren't eating properly, you're staying up all night and you're drinking more than you should - is this just a couple of days blip or is it more of a longer term thing?

----------


## Stella180

Hmmmm if I’m totally honest I’ve not been looking after myself consistently for a while. I’ll have a push for a few days and try to get myself straight and then I slip back again. It nothing unusual for me to either eat constantly or have nothing at all, I’m trying to stay hydrated but again it’s hit and miss. Yeah I had a bit of a blow out last night but this week has been really tough and I feel like nobody really understands. I needed to let off steam before everything exploded. Retro tunes, a few beers while having a virtual party with friends and a few laughs was much needed. Anyway I better go cook some dinner before it gets too late.

----------


## Suzi

So why aren't you looking after yourself?

----------


## Paula

Were not going to understand if you dont talk, hun....

Ok, so this weekend hasnt gone to plan - can you start afresh tomorrow? Eat properly, hydrate and just be kind to you?

----------

Suzi (19-04-20)

----------


## Stella180

> So why aren't you looking after yourself?


Cant be bothered. Why get washed and dressed if no one is gonna see me? Sometimes the energy to prepare a meal feels like its more than Ill get from eating it. I dont see the point in any of it. 




> Were not going to understand if you dont talk, hun...


Ha, yeah. Ive tried and even the people I thought would understand just done get why Im so upset. Like Im in the wrong for feeling the way so do. I mentioned about the chat group here and elsewhere and Im wasting my time trying to make people understand. Its easy to just say, yep, everything is my fault, Im a tosspot and we go join the other shodows lurking in the corner of the room.

----------


## Stella180

New gardeners have turned up this morning and in just an hour it already looks better. The front of the house looks respectable again, just need to get the driveway jet washed now. The back needs a lot of work but at least the grass is cut and one of the hedges been cut back so we’ve made a start. Have managed to put a load of washing on this morning and tried to put some clothes. I say tried cos the wardrobe collapsed invoking a lot of bad language and a small tantrum on my part. Think I might just go back to bed.

----------


## Jaquaia

For the best part of a year, my last single bed was propped up with old uni textbooks as I bounced on it and snapped the main length! Saying that, my first double when I moved back in with my parents was propped up with old uni textbooks as we snapped the middle support leg/bar.

Got more use out of those uni textbooks propping up broken beds then I did with my degree...  :(rofl):

----------

Stella180 (20-04-20)

----------


## Stella180

I really cba to drag everything out to fix it. Yet again a simple task turns into a major job and I don’t need that on a Monday morning.

----------


## Suzi

> Cant be bothered. Why get washed and dressed if no one is gonna see me? Sometimes the energy to prepare a meal feels like it’s more than I’ll get from eating it. I don’t see the point in any of it. 
> Ha, yeah. I’ve tried and even the people I thought would understand just done get why I’m so upset. Like I’m in the wrong for feeling the way so do. I mentioned about the chat group here and elsewhere and I’m wasting my time trying to make people understand. It’s easy to just say, yep, everything is my fault, I’m a tosspot and we go join the other shodows lurking in the corner of the room.


Talk to us, tell us what's going on... No one is suggesting that it's "your fault" or anything similar.... 



> New gardeners have turned up this morning and in just an hour it already looks better. The front of the house looks respectable again, just need to get the driveway jet washed now. The back needs a lot of work but at least the grass is cut and one of the hedges been cut back so we’ve made a start. Have managed to put a load of washing on this morning and tried to put some clothes. I say tried cos the wardrobe collapsed invoking a lot of bad language and a small tantrum on my part. Think I might just go back to bed.


YAY for the gardener! 




> I really cba to drag everything out to fix it. Yet again a simple task turns into a major job and I don’t need that on a Monday morning.


Do you not just need a new one?

----------


## Stella180

No don’t need a new one. It’s one of these kinda DIY push fit racks and to fell apart. It’s easy enough to actually fix but it means sorting out all of the clothes that hit the floor so I can get in to fix it and put it all back in. It might sound mad to you but I just wanted to put some coat hangers with t shirts on a rail. I wasn’t prepared for what came next so need to kinda build up to doing it.

----------


## Suzi

OK, I do get it actually  :O:

----------


## Paula

Totally get that!

----------


## Stella180

It's arrived and OMG it is sexy!!! I am of course talking about my new iphone 11. Only went for the basic model cos even I wouldn't be willing to blow over a grand on the pro. I'm pretty sure 3 cameras is more than enough without adding a 4th. I've had iphones for years right back to the iphone 3G, but I have NEVER owned a brand new one so this is quite a novelty to have the latest handset. I decided to go with the Red because Apple donate money to support HIV/AIDS programs from the sale of those handsets. it was that or the purple (which is actually lilac) so I did the charitable thing. It'll keep me occupied setting it up and playing with the new features this evening so thats my boredom buster for the day.has made 

Oh and I recieved a card in the post from one of the counsellors at Aspie. She also sent me one of the masks she has made which is really kind of her so that put a smile on my face too but you cant see it behind the mask, lol.

----------


## Suzi

Yay! Glad it's here and you love it! 
What a lovely thing from the counsellor!

----------


## Paula

Oooo exciting *goes off to see when my contract is up*

----------


## Stella180

what are you running at the moment Paula? iphone 8?

----------


## Paula

Yeap.

----------


## Stella180

It’s strange not having a home button anymore but Face ID makes accessing your phone quicker and easier while still having great security.

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing today? Did you sleep? Eating? Drinking?

----------


## Stella180

I slept fine. Still in bed with the dog. Gonna go have a shower in a bit and try to feel a bit more human. Got a ton of washing that needs to be done and need to fix the wardrobe. There are a ton of things to do but trying not to think about it all course I know what will happen - I’ll get stressed and end up doing nothing.

----------


## Stella180

Decided to get some insurance set up for my phone. I’m scared to use it at the moment without a case and screen protector. Very nerve wracking. I got an text from the GP confirming that although I am considered vulnerable due to my collection of ailments I am NOT in the “extremely vulnerable” category meaning NO SHIELDING!!! Always nice to receive good news.

----------


## Suzi

YAY! That's great news!

----------


## Stella180

I’ve just been to Tesco and stocked up on yellow label bargains to celebrate lol

----------


## Suzi

Lol!  :(rofl):   :(rofl):   :(rofl):

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## Stella180

Had to book an appointment to collect Talia’s meds. Vet only letting one person in at a time. The system at pets at home was very similar to visiting a prisoner. Halfords have moved the counter to the front door so no one can go inside to browse. Tesco has a one was system (which is being ignored), the tape that cordens off the queueing system outside as flapping everywhere and causing a trip hazard and there is a severe lack of common sense shown at the tills for example, the plastic screens are up directly in front of the cashier but customers have to stand to the sideof it/ end of packing area to pack shopping so what exactly is the point? Nobody has a clue what they are doing out there and after several weeks of this still people are running around like headless chickens and have no idea what is going on or how to go about their business safely.

----------


## Suzi

At least places are trying.....

----------


## Stella180

Yes they are but it’s so clear that little to no real guidance is being given to retailers and businesses that remain open during this difficult time. They’re all just winging it and hoping for the best. I’ve not having a go, I’m just saying that with no clear and uniform way of working it must be so scary for workers and customers alike cos what is deemed safe practice in one store is seen as high risk to another. I know these changes were brought on us all of a sudden but why are manages not looking at the processes in place and making chances to improve their practices? Why haven’t government ministers giving better guidelines and working practices to look after both the staff putting themselves at risk day in and day out, and to help these businesses to make it work for them cos what I’m seeing is lost revenue and higher staffing costs and difficult customer experience. Everybody is losing out. 

Anyway never mind all that. Tonight Talia and I dined on yellow label cuisine tonight, steak (half price), Jacket spud, mushrooms (75% off) and peas. She can forget about having steak on a regular basis though cos this was a treat for both of us and why I bloody love the reduced shelves.

----------


## Suzi

Lol lucky Talia! 

Did you sleep last night? It's good that you ate last night, are you taking better self care?

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## Stella180

Woke up about 6.30. Postman has just been with a special delivery. My replacement/upgraded iPad I won on EBay arrived so something else to play with today. Yesterday was actually a good day and self care was fine. Some days it’s a real struggle to even get out of bed but we all know what that’s like. Had a really weird dream last night about giving birth to twin girls. Probably best not to think too much about that. Need to attempt to put doggy moisturiser on Talia’s paws. That’s going to be fun.

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## Paula

Whats up with her paws?

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## EJ

I hope your day goes well Stella xx

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## Stella180

Cheers EJ.

Paula her pads are dry and rough so invested in some oatmeal butter to see if it will help.

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## Suzi

Aww she's getting a spa treatment day!

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## Stella180

She really is! She was trying to lick it off as I was putting it on lol it does smell good and all natural.

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## Suzi

Aww!!

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## Jaquaia

That doesn't surprise me  :(rofl):

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## Paula

How are you doing?

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## Stella180

Honestly? I was ok but after my lunchtime meds I went for a lie down. Since I got up I’ve not felt so good. The whole point of my afternoon dose is the help with the severe dips I was getting early evening time but today not as affective as I would like.

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## Suzi

Sometimes things take a dip, you know that love. I'm sorry it hasn't been the best of afternoons xxx

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## Paula

Have you been eating? Drinking?

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## Stella180

Yes I’ve been eating and drinking and medicating. Settled in ready for sleep now.

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## Suzi

Morning love, how are you today?

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## OldMike

> Yes I’ve been eating and drinking and medicating. Settled in ready for sleep now.


That's good, I spend my days eating, drinking, medicating, video gaming and gardening these days.

----------


## Stella180

Not brilliant but I have been having lots of cuddles with Talia this morning and she has managed to find time for some sunbathing already. It really does help having her around, she is my little ray of sunshine. 

These dreams I’ve been having, although technically not nightmares, have taken a toll. It’s as if my subconscious is attacking me, pointing out all of my failures and making me feel inadequate all over again. I also jumped on the scales this morning cos who doesn’t need an added reason to feel bad, and I’ve put on a load of weight. Ironically, this news has made me want to curl up on the sofa and eat a load of crap.

----------


## Suzi

Do you want to talk about your dreams?

----------


## Stella180

I mentioned before about a dream about giving birth to twin girls. In the dream which of course is far from accurate but it was a natural birth and relatively simple pain free and straight forward - everything the birth of my boys actually wasn’t, and the fact it was girls, my mum always wanted a granddaughter but ended up with 4 grandsons instead. In the dream I even gave one of the girls my mums name. 

The second dream was I bit strange with lots of stuff going on which is complicated to explain but it involved dogs wandering in and out of my home, and me not fully looking after them and a visit from my cousins showing off a new baby and then then asking where my baby was at which point I realised that I didn’t actually know where it was or what had happened to it and didn’t do anything to try and find it.

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## Paula

Oh sweetheart, that second one does sound particularly nasty  :Panda: . Is that a new one? When did they start?

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## Stella180

Just the past couple of days.

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## Paula

Are you worried about taking care of Talia and the birds at all?

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## Stella180

A couple of weeks ago I started having these thought that I couldn’t shake. I don’t know why or how but I was convinced that one of them was gonna die. A lot of faith has been put in me by good friends, allowing me to take on these animals and that they will be well cared for. The guy who gave me the birds has a snake too and has said if anything happened he would want me to take care of that too even though I have no experience reptiles.  As nice as it is they have that kind of faith in my it’s also a lot of pressure especially when I don’t share that faith. I’ve screwed up so many times. Of all the dogs for example that I’ve had over the years I’ve never had to go though the pain of their deaths. They have either been surrendered, stolen or simply gone missing. What does that really say about me? I even lost my own children cos I wasn’t fit to care for them. Everything I touch turns to  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  and I fail in looking after myself never mind anyone or anything else.

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## Flo

Who knows where these dreams come from Stella? I have weird, upsetting dreams to the point where I wake up crying my eyes out! Some so real - and surreal - that I'm afraid to go to sleep the following night. We have no control over our dreams. They're distorted playbacks of incidents in our lives that seem to get dredged up from our subconscious. Mine seem to occur if I eat late just before I go to bed....if I'm worried about something that I don't think I can handle....whatever the reasons, I try not to dwell on them..easier said than done I know but it's got nothing to do with the fact that you think 'you're doing it all wrong', you aren't! Reality is when you wake up and enjoy the dog and the other animals in your care that are grateful to be with you. You feed them, clean them entertain and love them. From where I'm sitting it looks like you're doing it all right!

----------

Paula (23-04-20),Suzi (23-04-20)

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## Paula

I know you struggle to trust yourself to look after Talia and the birds, but I also know you trust Jaq completely. So can you trust that she trusts you to look after Talia, and that shes rarely wrong about anything?

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## Jaquaia

Can I have that on a certificate?  :(giggle):

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## Suzi

Hunni, you can do this. You ARE doing this. They are all being loved and cared for, treated like princes and princesses and spoilt rotten. What more can you do? 

I hate dreams like that and I used to get them fairly regularly so know how upsetting they can be. I had a couple hit me out of the blue last week and it was horrid, left me with a really horrible feeling all day.. 
 :(bear):

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## Paula

> Can I have that on a certificate?


 :(rofl):

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## Stella180

I’m constantly freaking out though. Especially with the birds. I’m scared to open the windows in case I forget to shut them when I let the birds out of the cage. Or leave a door open so they get out of an upstairs window or something and I lose them. Maybe my fear is justified, maybe it’s not, I don’t really know and I don’t wanna find out the hard way.

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## Suzi

I can understand that. Could you put something over your windows? A friend of mine has made frames and has netting over it to stop her house cats from getting out, but still allowing her to open the windows....

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## Paula

Thats an understandable fear which anyone would have. I would be freaked out by that too. But the fact you are freaking out shows that you care, which is the main requirement for looking after animals. Youre intelligent and good at working things out so, work the problem  :):

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## Stella180

Last nights dream was about a car crash. I’d love to have a dream about happy stuff for a change.

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## Suzi

What were you watching/doing before bed?

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## Stella180

Hmmmm, watching For All Mankind. A fictional show about the space race

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## Paula

Did you have anything to drink?

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## Stella180

Meaning? No, there was no alcohol, just tomato juice and super malt.

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## Paula

Ok, no offence meant only I just know my dreams are dodgy after alcohol so wanted to double check

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## Stella180

I’d love to know have often you guys think I drink? Yeah I had a blow out on Saturday but that was it. I like to have a couple every now and then but not all the time.

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## Suzi

I was thinking high sugar levels? With the juice and the supermalt then it's highly likely you were high on sugar levels?

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## Stella180

I’m pretty sure tomatoes aren’t high in sugar.

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## Suzi

No, I've just double checked that - sorry,  but I don't know what you had for dinner and I imagine the supermalt would have a higher sugar level.. Anyway it was only a suggestion to try to find out what was causing the dreams...

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## Stella180

I dunno but I was a reasonably good girl over all yesterday. Not always true I admit but believe it or not I do try.

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## Suzi

I'm pleased you try. I think you're too important to not have around...

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Paula (24-04-20)

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## Paula

Suzis right, we dont nag to be a pain in your ass, we nag because we love you!

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## Stella180

I know but ya still a pita  :O:

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## Paula

:(giggle):

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## Stella180

I’ve been lay in bed since 8.30pm. It’s been a bit of a strange evening. One of those where I know I'm feeling something I just don’t know what or why. Just a bit out of sorts. I was hoping to be asleep before now but still, doubt I’ll be conscious for much longer. Fingers crossed for a good day tomorrow.

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Flo (25-04-20)

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## Suzi

How are you today love? Did you sleep?

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## Stella180

I’ve made a start on doing some stuff around the house. Trying to keep it low key so as not to get stressed out. If that means starting something and then moving on the something else before finishing then so be it. I’m not gonna beat myself up over it. I’m living in a cesspit right now. The whole place is disgusting so anything I can do is better than nothing. Trying not to let myself get overwhelmed so if that means stopping and walking away from something after 5 mins that’s what I’ll do. I don’t expect I’ll get much done but it getting started

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## Suzi

Well done for deciding not to beat yourself up about it lovely... Just remember that each thing you do you don't need to do later....

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## Paula

That sounds very sensible  :):

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## Stella180

I got a bit carried away making bracelet and keyring sets. Oops. Oh well, back to it.

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## Suzi

Lol! How's it going?

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## Stella180

Not so good. I’ve taken some recycling out and done the washing up and wiped the counters and then I stopped to get something and not got back up again yet. Need to go take my afternoon meds so might have a sort out in the bedroom for a bit. Need to get rid of some of my old clothes.

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## Suzi

Hey, stop looking at what you haven't done and look at the fact that you have done stuff! You've taken out recycling, done the washing up and wiped the counters. Those are really good things. Be positive!

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## Stella180

Added a load of washing to the short list of things I have achieved today. Not a great deal but it’s a start. Gonna clean the bathroom tomorrow I think cos I cba tonight.

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## Suzi

It's a huge amount when you aren't feeling good....

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## Stella180

Got a takeaway for dinner and then came to bed early. Waiting for my meds to kick in now and hopefully got a good nights sleep.

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## Suzi

Hope you slept well love..

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## Paula

How you doing?

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## Stella180

Alarm went off as usual at 8 but I didn’t crawl out of bed until 11.30. It was kinda weird cos he brain wouldn’t compute. I tried to reply at 9.30 this morning but I was just typing a load of gobbledygook so I gave up. 

Fancied a BLT for lunch only to find I’ve got no L. Not impressed but I did buy this beautiful juice last week and just opened it. Apple and Rhubarb. Absolutely to die for.

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## Paula

To be fair, the b and t are the best bits  :O:

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Stella180 (26-04-20)

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## Suzi

OOOO Apple and rhubarb? Sounds delicious!

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## Stella180

It smells amazing and tastes even better. My plan to blitz the bathroom hasn’t gone to plan. I got as far as emptying the bin. Now chilling watching a Nat Geo show about the King Cobra.

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## Stella180

Bath scrubbed, sink cleaned and toilet scrubbed. Still not done everything but at least the main items are clean. It’s a start at least.

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## Suzi

Sounds like you're moving in the right direction with everything...

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## Paula

Its more than Ive done today - you never give yourself credit, lovely ......

----------


## Strugglingmum

Sounds productive.... I've done little to nothing. Maybe I should go clean

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## Stella180

I’ve been pretty lazy today. There is so much stuff that needs to be done I should be making more of an effort to get in front of it all. I need help to organise things cos I’m not good at it. I like to keep everything close at hand so my house gets soo cluttered it’s unreal. I have too much stuff but I don’t like letting it go either.

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## Paula

You havent been lazy. Pacing is not being lazy

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## Stella180

Oh yes, I have been lazy. Tons of stuff I couldn’t done but I just looked at it and said “nah”.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Well you inspired me to go clean the upstairs loo and wash basin...... I even gave the window a rub.

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## Suzi

Would you say that I'd been lazy if I'd done what you've done today? 

Or what if I told you I've helped load the dishwasher, done some crochet, played the piano and sat outside trying to help Marc by "positively encouraging" him...

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## Stella180

I’d say there is a huge difference between you being a mum and wife with physical pain and me as an able bodied single woman with no dependents. Plus it’s not a competition. I know I was capably of doing more today but I actively chose not too. I’m not being hard on myself I’m just being honest.

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## Paula

You always hold yourself to a far higher standard than you do the rest of us. I dont understand why but I do know youre wrong in that. Youre not lazy, Ive never known you to be lazy. But I do wonder if its more that you can stave off the dark thoughts if youre constantly doing things?

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Suzi (26-04-20)

----------


## Suzi

I completely agree with Paula. I do worry why you think you have to be doing more, or that nothing you ever do is good enough.... You ARE more than good enough...

----------


## Stella180

I spend most of my life either in bed or lay on the sofa watching  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  on Netflix. I really don’t do a lot cos that would involve having a life, I’m regularly told to get one but not found any online sellers as of yet. If you saw the state of my home you would understand where I’m coming from. I don’t try to compare myself to others because we’re all different. I can only say what kind of life I wanna live and it’s not happening. Their are many reasons for that, and a lot of them are out of my control but I can look to myself for ways to improve my situation and I’m not exactly doing a great job of looking after myself and my home. That is a fact! I need to do more, I don’t have any other choice.

----------


## Suzi

Then maybe set yourself achievable goals? Little by little?

----------


## Stella180

That is what I’m doing! I just happened to mention that I had a bit of a lazy day today and I got told off for it.  :(:

----------


## Suzi

But I think it's because you called it being "lazy" when it is in fact more to do with pacing.... And you aren't setting little goals, your goal is to sort the whole house all at once...

----------


## Paula

And its also about your perception of what youre doing - calling yourself lazy, saying you need to do more and that youre not doing a great job. Youre constantly beating yourself up, which isnt healthy.....

----------


## Stella180

Ok, whatever.

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):  you sound like Jess !

----------


## OldMike

I agree Paula, Stella sounds like a young teenager  :(rofl):

----------


## Stella180

Mock me if it makes you feel better.

----------


## Suzi

I don't think anyone's mocking you. We're all coming from a place of love and wanting to help you to see that you don't have to be perfect in your eyes to be doing really well x

----------


## Stella180

You know what, I actually felt ok last night. No I didn’t get a lot done but that was ok. The fact you all pounced on me because I used the word “lazy” has only made me feel 10 times worse. Go back and read through what I said again cos you seem to have completely missed the fact that I was ok with how things turned out but got so caught up in my choice of words managed to twist everything. I know you didn’t mean to cause any upset but that’s what happened. I’ve had a Crappy morning where lying in bed is about all I can achieve and I’m just grateful to Talia for her amazing puppy cuddles.

----------


## Paula

> Mock me if it makes you feel better.


I didnt mean to make you feel I was mocking you, I was just having a joke but Im sorry if you were hurt by it.

As for whether you were ok with things yesterday or not, I still stand by what I said. Saying you were lazy is putting yourself down horribly and I dont think you should be ok saying that about yourself. If someone else said that to you, it would be horrible and completely out of order, so I dont understand why you you would do that to yourself. As your friends, we were just trying to make you see that youre not, nor have ever been, lazy. I wouldnt accept it if someone else said it to you, and I wont accept it when you say it to yourself.

----------


## Suzi

Paula's right. You are very far from lazy. I hate that you think of yourself so negatively.... Actually your posts don't sound as if you were remotely pleased with what you achieved yesterday...

----------


## Stella180

Yeah of course, you’re all right and I’m wrong. That’s usually the way this works. I best stfu before I make a bigger arse of myself.

----------


## Suzi

That's not it at all.... Please don't react like that. It's not a case of "us vs you" at all. We are trying to explain how we are seeing things....

----------


## Stella180

Look just forget it. It’s fine. 

Talia’s birthday present has arrived today. A nice new Julius K9 harness which will hopefully be more comfortable for her when she’s out and about. Bloody wants to be for the price! 

I’ve not been having a great day. Have spent most on it in bed. Only got up to have something to eat and back under the covers again. I’ve been getting dizzy spells again and my stomach hasn’t been good either. I’m actually getting quite used to this lockdown. That in itself is quite scary.

----------


## Suzi

Brushing it off with "it's fine" doesn't make it so though... I hate that we've upset you, and I was hoping to explain what I was meaning, not make things worse... I'm sorry. 

Dizzy spells? Have you checked your sugar levels? Are you eating and drinking properly? Do you not think you should speak to your Dr?

----------


## Stella180

> Brushing it off with "it's fine" doesn't make it so though... I hate that we've upset you, and I was hoping to explain what I was meaning, not make things worse... I'm sorry.


I dont wanna drag it out. Youre all focussing on the wrong thing and I dont wanna fall out with anyone so best to just drop it.




> Dizzy spells? Have you checked your sugar levels? Are you eating and drinking properly? Do you not think you should speak to your Dr?


It happens occasionally but not in a long time til today. Ive spoken to the quack previously and he cant pinpoint a cause. Its like when your drunk and the room starts spinning, I lose my balance and I cant visually focus on anything. It only lasts a few seconds and then Im fine again but its happened 3 times today so far.

----------


## Suzi

Vertigo? Do you have a blood sugar monitor?

----------


## Stella180

Make that 4 times! Yes I have a monitor but I never use it.

----------


## Suzi

Might be worth trying to use it - especially when the dizziness hits. It could be high or low blood sugar...

----------


## Stella180

No it’s definitely not that. 
I’ve got my first online guitar lesson tomorrow morning. It was delayed by a week due to low numbers signed up but got confirmation that’s starting tomorrow. Now the time has come I’m not as excited as I thought I’d be. That inner bully is telling me not to bother cos it’s not worth it and I’ll only make a fool of myself and I’m not cut out for it etc etc. But then when did I ever listen to anyone else, and I don’t quit easy so I will drag myself through the next 5 weeks (2hrs per week) whether I enjoy it or not cos it’s paid for and I promised myself I’d do it. 

Oh and my lovely sibling took my car tonight. I’ve learned that she is finally getting her car mot’d after driving it around since the middle of Feb without a test certificate!!! She is such a moron it is unreal. I can’t believe we’re actually related. Before anyone says about the new rules about mots during lockdown because hers ran out before everything hit the fan she’s not covered. If my dad were alive to see her abusing his car the way she does he would be beyond annoyed. It makes me so angry.

----------


## Stella180

Oh well so much for the guitar lesson. Was supposed to start at 10 but still not got the zoom link. Messaged the tutor but no reply. So bloody annoyed. Now I’m left in limbo not knowing what the hell is going on or what to do with myself. Aaaarrrrrrgggghhhhhh!!!!!

----------


## Paula

Thats not good! Has it been sorted yet?

----------


## Stella180

I contacted the administrator and apparently there have been “internet connectivity issues”. Not sure how that stops a text message being sent or received but eventually I got a call apologising. Gonna possibly try again tomorrow. I’m not good with change and uncertainty. Today it pretty much a write off and can’t make plans for tomorrow cos I don’t know if the lesson is gonna happen or not. Elevated anxiety as a result. Not having the best week so far  :(:

----------


## Suzi

I'm sorry it didn't happen this morning. Hope it does tomorrow.

----------


## Stella180

It’s the frustration of the build up, setting up the tech, tuning the guitar only for it to be for nothing and now because it hasn’t happened the whole day feels out of sync as a result 
.

----------


## Suzi

I can see that.. Have you been able to change your day around and do something different?

----------


## Stella180

I had a big fat pizza delivered for lunch and now I feel worse. At least there is left overs for dinner. Took my meds and having a lie down with the snuggle pup.

----------


## Suzi

Worse in what way?

----------


## Stella180

Cos I already know I’ve put on a ton of weight and then I sit scoffing a huge pizza cos I’m feeling sorry for myself and the regret hits that I've just wasted good money on crap. Having a shower and an early night cos I need to reset for tomorrow and try and get myself back on track.

----------


## Paula

Fingers crossed tomorrows a better day  :Panda:

----------


## Stella180

Didn’t get to sleep until 2.15 this morning and was wide awake again at 6.40. I was going to get out of bed but Talia came and rested her head no my Armand fell asleep so I couldn’t possibly move now and disturb her  :O:

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing now? What plans have you got for today?

----------


## Paula

Hows it going so far?

----------


## Stella180

The guitar lesson went ahead this morning but now I know why lessons are usually 30 mins long. My left hand is aching and let’s not talk about my fingertips! It started off ok but toward the end I was really struggling. Still, I managed to get a few chords down so all good. Need to turn my brain off again now for a bit cos it’s getting a bit scrambled.

----------


## Suzi

Glad it went ahead! Did you enjoy it?

----------


## Stella180

Yeah but not sure I’m cut out to play an instrument with my manky hands  :(:

----------


## Suzi

Sorry missed your call - was sticking my fingers together.... You OK? I'm sure you'll be able to play love x

----------


## Paula

From my experiences with the cello, your hands and fingertips will toughen up with practice. Well done, lovely  :):

----------


## Stella180

Not feeling great. Mood is pretty low today and my grocery delivery has just turned up with the one thing I was looking forward to having been substituted. I’ve not ordered any naughty snacks either and right now I just want to eat a load of  crap, crisps and chocolate etc. That’s probably a good thing but still munching on fruit doesn’t have the effect.

----------


## Suzi

What was substituted? 
What's the weather like? Could you get out and go for a walk? It might lift your spirits a bit?

----------


## Stella180

I went to bed and enjoyed some amazing puppy cuddles with Talia. She really is such a loving pup. I Was looking forward to a Lamb Moussaka ready meal, and it got swapped for Lasagne. And they had no raspberries so sent strawberries instead which you think would be ok but I already had strawberries on the order so now I have two punnets! I know it sounds really petty I moan about a shopping order but I just wanted something to pick me up and instead it feels like the opposite has happened. As for the weather it’s been raining most of the day.

----------


## Suzi

You seem to be spending a lot of time in bed atm - is that accurate or am I mistaken? 
I've just made vegan lasagne for Fern and I for tea  :O:  
Are you still in contact with the crew from Aspies? What about the counsellors?

----------


## Stella180

I suppose I am. Still in touch with some of the Aspie crew.

----------


## Paula

Can you try to get out for a walk with Talia tomorrow?

----------


## Suzi

Can you speak to one of the counsellors about how you are reacting to things?

----------


## Stella180

Not really. I don’t feel comfortable talking to them.

----------


## Suzi

Is there someone who you do feel comfortable talking to?

----------


## Stella180

Not really. There’s not much to say. Just having a bit of a low patch.

----------


## Paula

Is there really not much to say?

----------


## Stella180

Like what? There’s nothing specific that I am aware that is causing it, and definitely nothing I can control.

----------


## Suzi

There's lots to say. You seem to be sailing so close to meltdown over things that seem to be more trivial - yes I know that's a non Aspies view of things and you seem to be really angry a lot....

----------


## Stella180

Ah, on the subject of which, Monday is the anniversary of the day everything fell apart for me on this forum.

----------


## Suzi

Is it? I'd never have remembered that...

----------


## Stella180

I remember it like it was yesterday  :(:

----------


## Paula

Youre here now, And Im very grateful for that. Do you think you could  try not to focus on what happened then, and focus on where you are now with the forum?

----------


## Stella180

But where I am now is because of what happened then. In a way it changed my life forever and it’s not all bad.

----------


## Paula

That is true

----------


## Suzi

It's not all bad at all love, so maybe acknowledge the not so good bits, but actually celebrate all the good things that have come from there?

----------


## Stella180

I actually looked back at the posts on that day and I actually used The word “meltdown”. I guess I can see that is exactly what it was. I freaked out cos I couldn’t access the forum and when it did come back everything had changed and I couldn’t understand how nobody else could see it or why I reacted as I did. I still believe it justified but now I get it that you guys just aren’t as blessed as I am when it comes to attention to detail  :O:

----------


## Paula

I think thats the first time Ive heard you talk about that time in such a positive way

----------


## Stella180

I look back now and see it as the beginning of me gaining my diagnosis. That incident pretty much screamed Aspie I just didn’t know then what I know now. Attention to detail + unexpected change + disrupted routine = major meltdown. Nothing felt right from that day on and I went from one disaster to another cos nothing felt right. I was never gonna come back and believed that those bridges were burned to ash but here I am. I have a lot of making up to do. Yes I’m sure there with be times when I stress out and hit the self destruct button over the “little things” and I apologise in advance. Believe me nobody feels worse than I do when I finally get my head back on straight. I promise to try my hardest not to make you regret inviting me back.

----------


## Paula

Speaking for myself, Ill never regret you coming back  :):

----------


## Suzi

I don't regret asking you to come back. I also don't think you have any making up to do either!

----------


## Stella180

Yeah well I feel like I have plenty to make amends for.

----------


## Suzi

But, just for the record - that's your perception of it. I don't think you have anything to make amends for. As far as I'm concerned it's all over and done with.... Draw a line and move on itms?

----------


## Stella180

That’s not an easy thing to do for me. I’m determined to earn make the trust of each and everyone of you.

----------


## Stella180

It has been decided! Tonight I am having a Birthday party. I have beer, and chocolate and crisps and thing there is a slab of Genoa cake in the cupboard. If anybody would like to join the party let my know. Im starting a messenger group and there was be giggles on there and a video chat If anyone wants to get involved with that as there may will be music too and I intend to make the most of it. So who is gonna pop in and help me celebrate officially entering middle age? Its a bloody miracle I got this far. Lol

Oh and the bad news is you have to supply your own food and drink cos you know, lockdown and all that. Should be fun.

----------


## Paula

> Thats not an easy thing to do for me. Im determined to earn make the trust of each and everyone of you.


I know its not easy for you but its the only way youre going to be at peace with yourself

----------


## Stella180

Then I’ll rephrase it. I need to make sure I don’t make the same mistakes again and prove that I’m sincere.

----------

Paula (02-05-20)

----------


## Suzi

I can't make tonight I'm afraid... But I'll provide virtual booze and biscuits!  :):  

Thing is you think you need to make it up, but I bet none of us see it that way at all... Not that you're wrong, just that I see it very differently...

----------


## Strugglingmum

I didn't realise it was your birthday. Happy birthday  :(party):

----------


## Stella180

> I didn't realise it was your birthday. Happy birthday


Tomorrow and thanks. It’s Saturday night and rather that going out out, I’ll be staying in in.

----------


## Stella180

Well that’s just great. So much for a party night. One of my best mates at Aspie has just pretty much just told me to  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  off. Absolutely gutted. I try to do the right thing by people and is comes back to bite me in the ass. Don’t know why I bother anymore  :(:

----------


## Paula

What happened?

----------


## Suzi

What happened?

----------


## Stella180

Yesterday someone shared a video on the Aspie FB group without the consent of the person in the video and I called him out on it, that he was breaching GDPR (he’s admin or something on the page). The person in the vid was my friend. Well he posted something on Facebook about being accused of stuff by others, and I asked what was going on, but my concern was misinterpreted and it’s all my fault cos of what I said yesterday so clearly he’s getting  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  over it all which is completely unfair cos it had nothing to do with him but I’m the big bad guy now who is to blame for the whole  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  show. Yet again I try and do the right thing and it all turns to crap and I end up losing someone I care about as a result. Safe to say it’s put a real dampener on the evening. Why does this always happen to me?

----------


## Paula

Sweetheart, dont automatically assume youve lost him. People argue or get upset by things, it doesnt necessarily mean thats the end of the relationship. If it was, Id be divorced hundreds of times over! I suggest just letting everyone cool down, then calmly have a conversation

----------

Strugglingmum (02-05-20)

----------


## Stella180

It’s a common theme with me. I always screw things up  :(:

----------


## Suzi

It's not screwed up love, it's a disagreement.... Wait for the dust to settle and it'll all sort itself out.

----------


## Paula

Ok, this is not something Im proud of but Im going to tell you anyway. About 20 years ago, I went with my oldest friend to Ibiza. One night, we went to one of the famous clubs and got absolutely wrecked. Now, remember, I wasnt some silly 18 yo, I had a 2 year old baby. We got into a huge, drunken fight back at the apartment, I slapped her hard and she bit me on the shin(I still have the scar). It could have ruined our holiday and screwed up our 16 year friendship but what actually happened was we slept, sobered up and talked it out the next morning. Were still great friends even now, shes godmother to both my kids and Im godmother to both hers. Id trust her with my kids lives.

As I said, its not an episode Im proud of except that its proof that a disagreement doesnt have to spell the end to a friendship.

----------

Suzi (02-05-20)

----------


## Stella180

The thought of you getting in a bitch fight is kinda funny. Oh and for the record, not drunk. He’s deleted the FD post I replied to where he made it perfectly clear everything is all my fault. I give up. Every time I get close to people I mess it up. I’m better of just keeping my distance from everyone cos I only end up hurting the ones I care about.

----------


## Paula

Maybe he deleted the post because hes ashamed of what he said. Maybe hes concerned hes hurt you. Please dont assume that he thinks you screwed it up .....

----------


## Stella180

Well I ended up crying myself to sleep last night. I feel awful that he’s getting crap over my actions and it’s probably because the people doing it see him as an easy target are don’t have the guts to say anything to me. 

On a positive note, I did get lots and lots of puppy cuddles over night. She’s still snoring and I’m still snuggled up with her. I love this mutt so much. She is amazing.

----------


## Paula

:Panda: . Talk to him, apologise and explain you didnt want to upset him. Sometimes its not important whos right or wrong, just that it gets fixed.....

----------

Strugglingmum (03-05-20)

----------


## Suzi

Happy birthday!!!
I completely agree with Paula....

----------


## Stella180

He made it perfectly clear last night that he didn’t wanna hear from me. Maybe leave it a few days and see what happens.

----------


## Suzi

Yup, leave it and wait for the dust to settle...

----------


## Paula

Sounds like a good idea

----------


## Stella180

Well it seems I maybe jumped the gun a bit. I got an apology earlier. Seems we are both in a sensitive state at the moment. Still kinda angry about him getting a hard time for something he hasn’t even done. As s you know I’m incredibly protective over the people I care about but as much as I wanna step in and put the record straight that’s probably not a wise idea. Once bitten twice shy and all that. I hate injustice.

----------


## Suzi

See? Told you things would be different when the dust settled.... Maybe this one isn't your fight though... Sometimes being a good friend means supporting and not fighting for them itms?

----------


## Stella180

I know but it’s instinctive. I’ve always been the same. Folk can say and do anything to me but pick on my friends and family and my inner Hulk comes out to play. 

I bought myself some mini chicken roasts for dinner and chocolate cake for after. I’ve got plenty of beer left over from last night cos I wasn’t exactly in the mood after what happened. It’ll probably stop there for a while too.

----------


## Paula

Oh I know all about that protective mumma bear..... its really tough biting that lip and I cant say I always succeed. But youre doing the right thing

----------


## Suzi

You are doing the right thing...

----------


## Stella180

I think maybe I over reacted. I received an apology earlier and while I was cooking dinner there was a knock at the door. I find a 4 pack of beer and a card from my friend. Turns out the person giving him grief is the same person I thought it was and now I’m sitting on my hands so I don’t do anything HE will regret. 

Talia’s diet has gone out the window today. I fed her earlier and chucked a bit of cheese in for her as a treat. Tonight she is sharing my birthday dinner with me and has just wolfed down a bowl of chicken bacon and sausage, sodas veg and even a couple of small Yorkshire puds. She’s finished hers and I’ve just sat down to mine lol.

----------


## Paula

Im glad he friendship is ok

----------


## Stella180

Oh and for the record, with the delivery of the 4 pack I now have more beer in the house than I started with last night.

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad things have worked out well lovely. Oh and it's great that you can see that you may have not seen things as clearly as "an argument" rather than anything more....

----------


## Stella180

I started to write a really long post about my struggles with friendships and my perception of that but deleted it cos is was just a load of self pitying drivel. I am lucky to have people in my live who aren’t as easily offended by me just being be and I should be grateful to have met such amazing and patient people.

----------


## Mira

I do believe there is room for both. At times it can be equal and at times you can be lonely and then later feel the love of others. And sharing any of those emotions is ok.

----------


## Suzi

Mira's totally right...

----------


## Stella180

I guess I still feel sad about the loss of previous friendships. I have lost so many people I cared about over the years all because of my own stupidity. By not thinking before I open my mouth, or considering there feeling cos I was so caught up in my own world. 

Gardener has been this morning and the back garden is starting to look a bit better. I just need to wait for the tip to reopen so I can get rid of all the junk that has accumulated.

----------


## Suzi

YAY for gardener and working his magic! 

How are you today love?

----------


## Stella180

Hmmm, I started of ok when I got up this morning but mood has slipped a bit as the day has gone on. I sorted my meds out and got my Medisafe app all up to date again. I’ve kinda been ignoring it in recent weeks and that has led to a few mishaps of the meds front, mostly with timings but I’m trying to get myself back on track again. Have made adjustments to a paracord bracelet that was too long and set up an online payment for the gardener and that’s about it. I have retreated back to my bedroom and enjoying some puppy cuddles and trying not to think.

----------


## Paula

Its been a fraught weekend andt takes its toll. Could you take Talia out for a walk, it might help

----------


## Suzi

I completely agree with Paula. Getting out of the house and getting some exercise might help..

----------


## Stella180

I’ll have to wake Talia up to do that lol. She’s actually lay on me snoring her head off. I’ll jest have to enjoy my snuggles a little bit longer.

----------


## Jaquaia

I knew we made the right decision

----------


## Suzi

Lol, that's so funny!

----------


## Stella180

Just back from a Half hour drag through the woods and I feel like I’m dying. You see as nice as it is to have woodland right next to me I am also situated at the top of a hill. That means everywhere is down on the way out and up on the way back. After her nap Talia was full of energy and didn’t wanna turn around to came back when I wanted to so We kept going right to the edge of the nature reserve and came back on the flat footpath along the side. Yeah great idea, this meant the slope back home was that bit steeper!!! I’m not built for climbing anymore so probably gonna need a week to recover. Get a dog they said. It’ll be fun they said.

I need cake!

----------


## Suzi

That sounds tiring, but awesome!!

----------


## Stella180

Just need to cook something for dinner and then settle down now and watch The Phantom Menace.

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like a good plan!  :):

----------


## Paula

Ouch! But worth it?

----------


## Stella180

Honestly, when I got home I looked like beetroot coloured descendant of Albert Einstein

----------


## OldMike

I'm the same these days I find hills really hard work.

----------


## Paula

> Honestly, when I got home I looked like beetroot coloured descendant of Albert Einstein


 :(giggle):

----------


## Stella180

Second guitar lesson this morning which is tough cos the second joint on the middle finger of my left hand is really painful  :(:  looks like I’m taking notes today

----------


## Suzi

I sympathise with that kind of pain...  :(bear):   :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

Yep, me too. Hope it eases  :Panda:

----------


## Stella180

I have various issue with my manky hands but according to the quacks it’s all down to “wear and tear”. Doesn’t make it any easier to deal with and anti inflammatories are off the table due to being asthmatic. It sucks but I know you guys have it so much worse.

I’ve learned something new today (non guitar related). We’ve all heard of fight or flight right? You can add a 3rd F with freeze, but did you know there is a 4th? Fawn. Where you adapt you behaviour to try and avoid conflict by pleasing the assailant and take on responsibility for things out of your control.

----------


## Suzi

No, I didn't, but it makes complete sense... I've done that in the past, but I didn't know it had a proper F word...

----------


## Paula

Thats interesting - makes sense

----------


## Stella180

Took my lunchtime meds and got completely KO’d. Spent most of the afternoon asleep and really struggled to wake up. Doesn’t help having the snuggle pup lay next to me so warm and cute and loving. Suppose I ought to get some dinner down me and watch Attach of the Clones, which I had lined up before I passed out lol

----------


## Paula

How are you feeling now?

----------


## Stella180

About ready for bed again. Sick of everything I eat going straight through me. Guts have been iffy on and off for the almost a week. You’d think I’d be used to it by now but I still end up feeling sorry for myself.

----------


## Suzi

Are you keeping a food diary? It really helps me to work out what's setting things off....

----------


## Stella180

I know what it is and it’s not food related. 

Ive just found a football card that I started before lockdown to try and raise funds for Aspie. It’s £1 a go and £20 to the winner so if anyone is interested in having a go inbox me and I’ll let you know how you can take part.

----------


## Suzi

Stress? 
Football card?

----------


## Paula

Whats the football card?

----------


## Flo

Yeh...what's a football card? How are you feeling today? Are you still cuddled up with pooch?

----------


## Stella180

A football card had a bunch of team names on and you take your pick. When it’s completed you scratch off the panel to reveal the winning team. 

So far today the furthest I’ve gone is to the toilet. Talia has been out doing a bit of sunbathing but not for long as she is now curled up next to me snoring her head off!

----------


## Suzi

What's causing the IBS flare?

----------


## Stella180

Stress. As you said not so long ago I’m pretty much walking an emotional tight rope and it can lead to a meltdown at any moment. It’s hard trying to keep my balance and get to the other side cos stopping halfway isn’t an option.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Stella180

And people say that I’m tactless!!! Yet I’m supposed to just roll over and take all the thoughtless crap that is dished out to me. Ignorance is not a suitable defence as I’m often reminded. I dunno, maybe I’m being paid back for all the times I’ve messed up but whatever I’m stuck in a situation where I can’t win. I can take it and stay quiet at my own detriment or I speak up for myself and everyone hates me for picking on a “vulnerable person”. So I do what I have to do cos it’s who I am. I stand up for myself and it’s only a matter of time until I get the backlash from it. Another bridge burned.  :(:

----------


## Jaquaia

What's happened???

----------


## Stella180

Probably sounds petty but the chat group I set up that has now been superseded by an “official” chat...I’ve just been asked to “delete the group because it’s confusing”. I feel like someone somewhere has the emotional equivalent of a voodoo doll they are constantly sticking needles into. Like I’m completely surplus to requirements and all the things that have given me a purpose in my life are being taken away from me bit by bit.

----------


## Suzi

Have you told anyone that this is how it's making you feel?

----------


## Stella180

Yeah. The person who said it! She is a sensitive soul and also easily manipulated. She was part of the problem at the weekend, and now this. She hadn’t got a clue just how offensive her request was. I came to bed early and stayed away from fb and messenger. Her puppet master, who is not a friend has tried messaging me so I’ve ignored and blocked him. They can play all the games they like but I wanna stay away from it all.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:   hopefully it'll look differently in the morning...

----------


## Stella180

Determined to make myself feel better today. Started with a nice long soak in the bath while listening to the birds. Have got a grocery delivery a little later so just gonna potter around until that arrives. Still need to sort out all the clothes that need to be thrown out. Need to be ruthless in that task and need to have my bedroom cleared before my new mattress arrives on the 20th. I took advance of a sale and saved over £250! Not sure how I’m going to dispose of the old one unless the tip is open again by then but I sure as hell wasn't paying £35 to the delivery guy to take it. Something else to get chucked it the back garden awaiting disposal. 

I’ve decided not to go back to Aspie straight away when it reopens. Since lockdown things have become strained to say the least with some members and staff.  Need some time to get my head back on straight. I’m so annoyed that someone who doesn’t even attend has been allowed to get his feet under the table and cause so much disruption. I figured out last night that of all the 40+ regular attendees I only really get on well with 3 of them. I had big plans for stuff we could do to entertain and raise funds for the group but now I cba cos nobody seems to give a toss.

----------


## Paula

Is it not worth putting up with the 37 to keep in touch with the 3?

----------


## Stella180

I can do that anywhere.

----------


## Suzi

But Aspie had such a positive influence on you love. Don't make a decision in haste that you may regret later....

----------


## Stella180

It’s also having a negative affect right now. So much drama going on and I got dragged into it at the weekend! I need to distance myself from it all at least temporarily.

----------


## Paula

The real issue with virtual communication is that we dont have body language or tone of voice to properly communicate and sometimes things come across wrong. You found your tribe, love, please dont burn any bridges .....

----------


## Suzi

Paula is totally spot on... Don't burn these bridges love. It's taken you a while to find your tribe, don't push them all away now.

----------


## Stella180

I’m not pushing anyone away. I’m just taking some time away from it all.

----------


## Suzi

OK.... As long as that's what you are doing and it's only a temp thing...

----------


## Stella180

For now yes but I don’t know what comes next

----------


## Suzi

With regard to....

----------


## Stella180

Anything!

----------


## Suzi

Can you try to pull back your focus to one or two issues, not "everything"?

----------


## Stella180

I know I’m not in the right head space to make any permanent choices so I’m only looking at temporary solutions.

----------


## Paula

What do those solutions entail? (I can recommend some Winchester action, if that helps  :(giggle): )

----------


## Suzi

Why is it that this is where my head went...

----------


## Stella180

It’s not the same since Season 13 when Mrs. Ackles joined the show. Thankfully she’s only in a handful of episodes. 

Tonight I felt like getting  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ed. By the time I opened the second can I’d gone off the idea so finished that one and went to bed. Can’t do self destruct properly at the moment. I said to a friend earlier that I really need an epic meltdown with blood snot and tears and destruction, the kind that leaves you wasted and you barely have the energy to lift your head off your pillow and at take days or even weeks to get your  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  back together but when you do it’s like your soul has been purged and you’re born again. Just let everything go.

----------


## Suzi

If you could do it safely, without the blood etc then I can see why it'd be cathartic.... I do feel that you seem to be lurching from one upset to the next atm.... I am concerned about you..

----------


## Stella180

I’m concerned about me too. I can’t even fully explain how I’m feeling cos I’m all over the place. This morning for example I was doing ok, and then I checked my emails and of the 26 items I’d ordered from Asda 5 had been substituted, and that was enough to send me spiralling. Something as simple as a delivery of groceries. And then when the order arrived there were no bags and I had to sort that out (priority self isolation customers should have the goods bagged and left on the doorstep). That was just another thing to make me feel bad. It’s all the little things that are going wrong and I can’t handle it. I’m trying, I really am but it’s not getting me very far.

----------


## Paula

Is it all the little things going wrong or is it a bigger thing that you dont want to deal with right now itms?

----------


## Stella180

I don’t actually know.

----------


## Suzi

I get the frustration with ASDA, that's why we stopped using them - every few years I give them another go and it's still the same so I don't bother with them anymore... 
I'm worried that you aren't dealing with each "little" thing at all which is just building and building which is making each next thing seem like a bigger thing itms?

----------


## Stella180

Maybe. Who knows.

----------


## Suzi

What things can you do to help you work through some of those things?

----------


## EJ

I think that the shopping thing with lots of substitutions is not just happening to you. It is happening to everyone at the moment. I have experience of this too. I prefer my shopping deliveries early on the morning so I can deal with the fallout. I take it personally too which it is not. I dont have experience of the shopping coming without bags as mine is always bagged. Maybe you could take it up with them if you have the strength to ?

----------

Suzi (08-05-20)

----------


## Stella180

I thought I’d take the god out for a quick trip around the block this morning but she had other ideas. As soon as we got near the access to the woods she was crossing the road and dragging me with her lol. I wasn’t really up for it cos my back isn’t great today but I managed a mile circuit without being completely crippled so that’s something. It’s bloody warm out there already. Today I won’t be far away from the fan.

----------


## Paula

Is she really strong?

----------


## Suzi

Lol! That sounds fun!

----------


## Stella180

Nah not really, she just has me wrapped around her paw lol. Clearly she enjoys trotting around the woods so who am to let her down. If she’s happy I’m happy.

----------

Flo (10-05-20),Paula (09-05-20),Suzi (09-05-20)

----------


## Suzi

Aww!!

----------


## Stella180

Kinda excited. I confessed one of my idiosyncrasies that I’ve never really spoken about today. Admittedly I tested it out in an Aspie FB group and it turns out I’m not a complete weirdo after all. 

Hot does have a smell! 

The relief to know I’m not just weird or crazy and I’m not alone in experiencing this. So many times I’ve been dismissed or told I’m bonkers over things I’ve experienced in my life I got really good at saying nothing but finally I can open up to a community who say “me too”. Probably sounds like I’m getting excited over nothing but I don’t care. I’m not alone!

----------


## Suzi

Smells hot?

----------


## Stella180

Ask the rest of your family. I guess it’s just one of those sensory things but was too scared to mention around NTs. It’s an actual thing!

----------


## Suzi

OK.....

----------


## Stella180

You think I’m weird?

----------


## Flo

Oven hot or weather hot?

----------


## Paula

> You think Im weird?


Erm.....  :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

> You think I’m weird?


I need more information about what you are referring to when you say "hot"....

----------


## Stella180

> Oven hot or weather hot?


Both actually but they are slightly different.

----------


## Stella180

I’m really starting to worry about Talia. Last night and this morning she has been really lethargic, not even the energy to climb up onto the bed. Totally out of character. Something really not right and I’m starting to panic.

----------


## Suzi

How are you today?

Cross posted - oh no, could it be she's hot? Maybe she's worn out doing lots of long walks? Is she eating and drinking?

----------


## Paula

Sorry for the question but how are her poos? With mine it was always the first sign of problems

----------


## Stella180

Poo yesterday was ok. Not seen any today. She has had a drink and managed to munch on a carrot but she’s really not as interested in food as she usually is and she really is lacking energy.

----------


## Jaquaia

She has had days where she's not interested in food before but not jumping up on the bed doesn't sound like her. I'm wondering if the heat has got to her. It really bothered Toby yesterday. She has got like this before when it's been hot for a few days.

----------


## Stella180

She was ok during the day it was just at bedtime I noticed she wasn’t right. She’s so subdued it’s kinda scary.

----------


## Jaquaia

Hopefully it's just an off day

----------


## Suzi

How's she doing now? Has she got somewhere cool to sit? Is it still hot with you?

----------


## Stella180

No today it cooler and all she has done today is sleep.

----------


## Suzi

Aww, hope it's nothing and she's back to herself again tomorrow!

----------


## Stella180

She’s still not right but I’ve had kisses and seen her tail wagging which is an improvement on earlier today. Still a bit worried about her. I’m thinking she might be in pain cos she is reluctant to use the stairs and She won’t even try climbing onto the bed or even the sofa

----------


## Jaquaia

She sometimes has an issue with her back leg. The vet put it down to her weight and just told us to get her to rest. Yumove tablets didn't really do much for her.

----------


## Suzi

Aww poor Talia!

----------


## Stella180

Whether it’s babies or pets, they can’t tell you what is wrong or how to make it better and it’s heartbreaking.Nobody wants to see loved ones upset, ill or in pain. She has helped my eat some melon tonight which is good.

----------


## Jaquaia

She loves melon

----------


## Suzi

How is she today?

----------


## Paula

Hows Talia? How are you coping?

----------


## Stella180

I’ve booked an appointment as the vets. I can’t work out what is wrong and it’s worrying me. She doesn’t seem to be favouring her back leg in anyway so don’t think it’s that. She’s started whispering this morning so something is bothering her and we need to find out what.

----------


## Paula

What time?

----------


## Stella180

3pm. It’s gonna be strange cos it’s kind of a remote appointment. I drop her off at the back door, a nurse picks her up and the rest goes ahead via telephone if any questions are needed to be answered etc. Really anxious.

----------


## Paula

Thats the sort of system my vets are using. Whatever it is, hunni, youre getting on top of it straight off. Shell be ok

----------


## Suzi

She couldn't have eaten anything she shouldn't could she? 
Vets sound like a good call...

----------


## Stella180

Typically about an hour before the appointment she livened up again. She definitely isn’t right but I’m telling the vet she’s lethargic and then she almost pulls my arm off to get to the nurse who collected her. She’s having her bloods taken as they are overdue anyway for her thyroid and they are giving her doggy ibuprofen and hopefully that will help if she’s a bit stiff and sore. Bloods are back tomorrow so hopefully no surprises and just rest up for a bit. I hope this isn’t an experience cry for attention. It gives me peace of mind at least. If only KFC were open, I quite fancy some chicken about now.

----------


## Suzi

Glad she's livened up a bit!

----------


## Stella180

I didn’t know what to do. She livened up last night and then lapsed again this morning. If I cancelled I might not have got another appointment if needed so decided to go ahead with it.

----------


## Paula

You did the right thing - as you say, she needed the bloods anyway so thats a job off the list, if nothing else

----------


## Stella180

Ugh, just had to switch off BoJo cos his clear as mud statements are seriously getting on my nerves. Just shut up you flaming idiot. “....will be back no later that...providing it is safe to do so”. How can those two comments be in the some sentence? So that’s a definite maybe then with a rigidly flexible date. Moron.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry I missed your call, was dealing with a crisis of how to get 50 pages of work to a teacher with someone with Aspies, dyslexia and a definite case of "I know best"..... Turns out she didn't and I was right.... lol

And currently talking through criminal law.......  :):

----------


## Stella180

My mates lad managed to accidentally delete all his work from the laptop lol. I can laugh cos it’s not my kid.

----------


## OldMike

Don't worry Boris confuses me too.

Hope Talia's results come back fine.

----------


## Suzi

How are you today lovely?

----------


## Stella180

Stressed, irritable, fed up but trying hard to keep my cool and not throw all of my toys out the pram. On a break during guitar lesson now but there have been a couple of occasions where I’ve wanted to throw the bloody thing across the room. Today is the kinda day I’m glad I live alone, even Talia would rather stay outside sunbathing than be near me.

----------


## Suzi

What's up? Want to talk about what's going on in your head?

----------


## Stella180

I don’t really know. Last night before I went to sleep had to block one of the Aspie crew on fb cos he likes to get his kicks trolling people and I couldn’t be bothered playing his games but that’s done. Guess I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.

----------


## Paula

:Panda: 
When do you hear from the vets?

----------


## Stella180

Results should be back today so they will call me in theory this afternoon. Lazy bones is snoring on her bed at the moment. Still won’t even try to get on my bed.

----------


## Suzi

Have you heard anything?

----------


## Stella180

Nope. Doubt I will now. I had to go to the pet shop to get food for the birds and stopped of at Lidl on the way back. The difference a week makes!!! Clearly BoJo’s revised lockdown plan included getting stoned with your mates before going shopping and trying to act like a G while elderly people are trying to shop and avoid these morons. It is also fine to walk into people and squeeze past then to get what you want presiding you a wearing a mask and gloves. Honestly it was horrendous and how I managed to restrain myself from screaming at some of the 2hats I don’t know. Anxiety level currently somewhere in the stratosphere.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry you've struggled this afternoon - I've noticed much more traffic on the roads today... Stupid boris, stupid relaxing of lockdown.l

----------


## Stella180

Oh and to cap it off the chavvy stoners actually drove away!!! Brainless A-holes. Since getting back I’ve nothing but eat so have taken myself to bed, at least that way if I want food I have to go up and downstairs to earn it lol.

----------


## Suzi

Are you eating properly atm?

----------


## Stella180

This afternoon I’ve eaten practically everything in sight.

----------


## Suzi

So you're not looking after yourself atm? How are you feeling today?

----------


## Paula

> This afternoon Ive eaten practically everything in sight.


Is that a one off?

----------


## Stella180

Yeah, I have been picking and stuff like everyone else I suppose but thankfully it’s been mostly fruit, or carrots.

----------


## Stella180

Well this has gone slightly mental. Having made a few paracord keyring and bracelet sets recently with the idea of maybe making more with the members at Aspie and selling them at craft fairs to raise funds once the world returns to normal, I thought I’d put them up on FB just to see is any friends would like them. I now have another 9 to make!! At £8 that’s not a bad days work raising money for Aspie. I’m actually really pleased with that  :):

----------

Jaquaia (13-05-20),Paula (13-05-20)

----------


## Suzi

Well done lovely!

----------


## Stella180

It feels good being able to do something worthwhile for a change. I passed out after my afternoon meds and spent the last 2 hrs on the phone to a friend (not the whole time) and catching up on FB. Suppose I ought to get some dinner sorted.

----------


## Suzi

You seem to sleep a lot after your afternoon meds... What are you taking then?

----------


## Stella180

Quetiapine. Now you know why.

----------


## Suzi

OK, do you find it's helping?

----------


## Stella180

The idea of the afternoon dose is the stop my mental nose dies in the early evening And yeah, on the whole it does help.

----------


## Suzi

Good, I'm glad it's helping.

----------


## Paula

Morning!

----------


## Stella180

Today is grocery delivery day. 21 items, 6 substitutes  :(:  I know it’s not a big deal but it’s like every week I’m getting a kick in the teeth, like yeah we know what you want but you just can’t have it. Almost a third of my delivery isn’t what I ordered. The situation is getting worse not better. 

I’m desperate for a shower but I walked into the bathroom this morning, used the toilet and that was as much as I could do so went back to bed. I had planned a route for a nice long walk with Talia if she’s up for it. She’s still not 100% but day by day she’s getting there. Maybe tomorrow we can take that walk.

----------


## Paula

Can you try another store?

Did you hear from the vets?

----------


## Stella180

Oh yeah I got a call around 7pm last night. All good. Thyroid levels fine.

I got a new guitar delivered today. Well, new to me anyway.

----------


## Suzi

That's why we don't use Asda......... Is there another supermarket you could use? 
OO new guitar? Nice... How are the lessons going?

----------


## Stella180

Nothing fancy, but a bit better quality that the one Id got. The lessons are...going. Tbh is all going a bit too fast for me. Cos its a 2hr session, its the equivalent of 4 lessons a week and I dont feel like Im able to focus enough on the different things to get it nailed down before moving on to the next thing. This really does not come naturally for me so Im going to see out the last two weeks and then go back to the beginning and work through the material at my own pace. Our teacher has given up worksheets and puts a few videos together each week which I great so easy to revisit what weve done.

----------


## Suzi

That sounds like a plan. 2 hours at in one is tough on the fingers, let alone the concentration!!

----------


## Stella180

Ok I’m gonna open up a little here. I’m confused. I’m struggling but this time it’s different and I can’t get my head around it. I don’t know how exactly to put it into words but I’ll try.

I’ve been in some pretty dark places in the past. Scary places I never wanna go again. I’ve felt so low that all I couldn’t even lift my head off the pillow. I don’t have to tell you guys what it’s like, but what I’m feeling now is completely different but at the same time so much is familiar and I think it’s because lockdown is allowing me to be this way. I don’t wanna get up in the mornings, personal hygiene has gone out the window, I’m eating so much more not cos I’m hungry but just cos it’s there. I’m living in a cesspit and tomorrow I have to do the washing up cos I’ve run out of stuff to eat off. I’m spending most of my time in my bedroom and I just feel...well I don’t know how I feel. I have nowhere to go, not gonna see anyone, couldn’t have someone in my house if I wanted to and because there is no pressure and no outside influences to make me feel bad about these things I guess I don’t really care. I’m “being kind to myself” by not beating myself up over this stuff. “It’s ok to not be ok”, “we’re all in it together” blah blah blah. I’ve lost all of my motivation. I have realised that on the whole if I don’t contact others, they don’t even thing about me, and that’s fine. I’m obviously way down on their list of priorities. What is missing are the feelings of guilt, hurt, disappointment, loss, embarrassment etc cos thanks to lockdown none of it matters anymore. I’m not in self destruct mode cos the world is already in a  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  state and what will be will be.

This doesn’t feel like a depressive episode. For example, this morning I got up with the intention of having a shower. I used the toilet first and that feeling you get in your gut was there. The one that says “I really can’t face taking a shower right now, it’s to much and I can’t do it”. So I didn’t. I went back to bed and that was it. Done. Problem solved. It didn’t matter. I avoid the thing causing anxiety and it went away. I tried picking the guitar up yesterday and couldn’t get anything right so I gave up and walked away. Problem solved again. Does any of this make sense? It’s like I’m in limbo. No mans land. It’s weird in a creepy way.

----------

Flo (15-05-20)

----------


## Paula

It sounds fairly normal (or the new normal) to me. Id bet that the vast majority of people in this country are feeling roughly the same. What were all dealing with is difficult and just plain weird. None of us have the skills to deal with this.

My one question, though, is are you able to get out for a walk regularly?

----------

Flo (15-05-20)

----------


## Stella180

I’m able to in theory but It’s not happened since the weekend cos Talia hasn’t been great.

----------


## Stella180

I’m up, medicated (so is Talia), and showered!!! I admit singing along to a bit of MJ helped, pretty sure the neighbours wouldn’t agree lol. Just need to work on getting dressed now but instead I’m just chilling out and enjoying the tunes but I’ll get there. Plan is to get the washing up done which is pretty desperate, get a bit of guitar practice in cos I wanna play with my new toy, clean the birds out, and if I feel up to it maybe a long walk with Talia, although I think there is more chance of that happening tomorrow and she will have to settle for a shorter walk today.

----------


## Paula

Fab! Proud of you  :):

----------


## Stella180

You can be proud of me what I actually complete the tasks I’ve set myself. Making a plan is one thing. Achieving it is something else.

----------


## Strugglingmum

You've already achieved something by showering so well done. You've got a plan..... well done. Keep going. Pacing is good

----------


## Suzi

I think Paula's right - it's definitely a "new normal" kind of thing... It doesn't make it easier when you're constantly trying to fight to actually get out to now be told not to.... 

Well done for showering! Maybe a short walk would be better for Talia as she was poorly?

----------


## Paula

> You can be proud of me what I actually complete the tasks Ive set myself. Making a plan is one thing. Achieving it is something else.


I disagree - I know even making a plan when youre struggling is bloody hard

----------


## Stella180

I had MJ keeping me company in the shower and while washing up. I’ve stopped for something to eat now before tackling the bird cage. They really are some messy buggers.

----------

Paula (15-05-20)

----------


## Suzi

Well done lovely! I'm proud of you!

----------


## Stella180

Didn’t really do much after cleaning out Lois and Clark. Took my lunchtime meds and took a nap with the snuggle pup. I have put a wash on to justify to myself missing guitar practice and walk. Gonna cook dinner and chill out with Talia and watch Marvel movies all night starting with Black Panther.

----------


## Suzi

Good choice of movie!

----------


## Stella180

I watched that and went straight to bed. Wasn’t exactly feeling great. The lazy pup doesn’t want to wake up today. She’s literally got dressed (put her collar on), taken her meds and gone back to sleep. Has been snoring ever since. Not even been out for a wee. I’m not exactly in a great place so I’m more than happy to just chill today. Keep myself to myself and I can’t do any harm that was. Have a good weekend people.

----------


## Suzi

Why are you retreating?

----------


## Paula

Not feeling great? Physically or mentally?

----------


## Stella180

Mental initially which leads to physical. I’m just feeling a bit sorry for myself.

----------


## Suzi

Hopefully you'll feel brighter later.... Can you do things to help make you feel brighter?

----------


## Stella180

I tried picking up the guitar earlier but that didn’t last long. Tried watching Avengers and turned it off part way through. Been watching the Eurovision stuff but I can’t really be bothered with it. I’ve sold my old guitar. Literally been up for 15 mins and had 3 people interested! Probably just gonna go to bed early tonight.

----------


## Suzi

The Eurovish isn't as good as the real thing! I'm missing it!

----------


## Stella180

Nah it’s pants. Should’ve just left it til next year. Waste of time and money.

----------


## Paula

Thats kind of how I feel every year  :O:

----------


## Suzi

Pfft!

----------


## Stella180

I actually enjoy seeing the performances. You know most of them are going to be overly camp and dreadful but it’s being able to laugh about it. You can’t take Eurovision seriously. I get stressed out over the voting cos that’s the biggest load of political  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  and back scratching ever so I usually switch off then. Rarely does the best song win.

----------


## Suzi

I LOVE Eurovish! It's so fabulous.... Not so much tonight but I'm still enjoying it!

----------


## Stella180

I’m thinking I need to switch off the electronics and go to sleep. Best all round.

----------


## Suzi

Night love, hope you sleep well

----------


## Stella180

It’s Talia’s birthday!!! She’s had a wonderful time so far. She’s been out playing in the garden with her deflated football (yeah I know, strange dog), we’ve opened her present from Jaq, a beef jerky nylabone. She’s done her proud trot around the house with her new tug toy and squeaky bone, just like Max used to do and while I popped out to the shop she even took a nap on my bed!!! I know cos she greeted me at the top of the stairs in her “don’t beat me master” pose. I’m actually well chuffed cos it means she jumped onto my bed so obviously feeling better. She’s now demolishing a ham bone on her bed. Peter she’ll get her roast chicken birthday dinner.

----------

Paula (17-05-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

Not sure if I've said this before but I knew I'd made the right decision  :O: 

So glad she's being spoilt

----------


## Suzi

Aww Happy birthday Talia!  :):

----------


## Stella180

Felling kinda emotional today. It’s been awesome seeing Talia all excited about her new toys and having fun in the garden but it’s stirred up so many other things too. Like when she did her trot around the house showing of her new stuff, exactly like Max used to do, made me think about how much I still miss that boy. It also made me realise the importance of friendship. After letting Max go I wasn’t gonna have another dog cos it hurt so much that I let him down and even not just thinking about him brings tears to my eyes. When Jaq asked if I would take Talia I was reluctant. Not because I a didn’t want to help, or that I didn’t love that dog, but because I was terrified of letting everyone down. I’d lost all confidence in myself as a dog owner and I didn’t want to screw up a friendship as well as another dogs life. Jaq and her family really do mean a great deal to me. They’ve always been welcoming and supportive of me and I’m so grateful to have them in my life. By putting faith in me and trusting me with their beloved pet they have enriched my life and given me a purpose again. I love that pup so much and she gives me so much more than I could ever give her. She really is so special in so many ways.

----------


## Paula

As are you  :):

----------


## Suzi

I agree...

----------


## Stella180

Wow! The birthday girl can’t take the pace. Bit concerned cos she didn’t eat all of her birthday roast chicken dinner however she did have a bit of melon for dessert. Tucked her up in bed about half hour ago and she’s stayed upstairs. Not like her at all. She rarely strays far from my side especially in the evening/night time. Maybe it’s just an age thing that has happened all of a sudden but it’s still worrying when a change in behaviour occurs. I don’t like it.

----------


## Suzi

Oh love, sounds like she might be overwhelmed! See how she is tomorrow? She's been really spoilt....

----------


## Stella180

She’s such a sweetheart. Hard not to love this beautiful baby

----------


## Jaquaia

She often did take herself up to bed. It was funny when she would sit by the door waiting for me and if I didn't move fast enough she would huff and go on her own  :(giggle):

----------

Stella180 (18-05-20)

----------


## Suzi

Crash does the same when he thinks I'm meant to be going to bed lol... He sleeps at the top of the landing (normally with his head on the stair below or on Moiya)  :O:

----------


## Stella180

Gardener is coming around lunchtime today and gonna get through a few more paracord sets I’ve been asked for. Might even have a go on the guitar again. I can’t be crap for ever surely lol.

----------


## Suzi

Hoorah for the gardener! 
You can't expect to be able to play like Slash in a few hours lol... Give it time.

----------


## Stella180

I’m struggling with chord changes and it is soooo damned frustrating.

----------


## Paula

Guitar is way more difficult than people assume - give yourself a break  :O:

----------


## Suzi

I can't play the guitar. Have tried many times, but my fingers just don't cooperate!

----------


## Stella180

Got a text confirming delivery of my new mattress on Wednesday. You know you’re getting old when you get excited over something so mundane.

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

Hey that sounds ridiculously exciting to me!  :):

----------


## Stella180

Especially when it comes with a one year trial and lifetime guarantee!!! Almost sounds too good to be true.

----------


## Stella180

Another day where my mood has been up and down like a fiddlers elbow. I’m just about ready for bed now. Some days I guess doing stuff to pick yourself up seems a waste cos it’s short lived. I’ve tested out one of my new embossing powders, been out playing ball with Talia, cooked dinner, had a go on the guitar, made some paracord stuff. It all seems to be for nothing cos all I wanna do is curl up under the duvet.

----------


## Paula

Surely having moments when your mood is up has to be better than constant downs?

----------


## Suzi

Are you keeping a mood diary? Just a basic one will do to see if there's a correlation in times of day and mood etc?

----------


## Stella180

I’m not good with mood diaries. Not a tool I find useful.

----------


## Stella180

I think I swallowed a bunch of razor blades in the night. My throat is so sore. I woke up at 7.15 and went to the loo and then got back into bed which was definitely the right choice cos I got 30 minutes of the most amazing puppy cuddles to help me feel better. I don’t know what I’d do without Nurse Talia.

----------


## Paula

:(:  rest, fluids and no going out!

----------


## Suzi

Yup I have to agree with Paula...

----------


## Stella180

I have to take Talia out a little later to drop of a trolley token to a friend on the estate. Another £2.50 in the Aspie pot.

----------


## Suzi

Are you feeling any better?

----------


## Stella180

Yeah it’s eased off now. I’ll live.

In other news, took Talia to get weighed a short while ago and I was amazed. First time she’s been weighed since being on her thyroid medication and it must be helping cos her weight is down to 16.5kg!!! It’s lot of weight she’s lost in a short amount of time really cos she’s only been with me for 3 months but I guess there have been lots of changes regarding diet, exercise and meds so I guess that’s all paying off. Still 5kg above her ideal weight but that will come off slowly but surely. I really am so happy for her, I even had to buy her a new ball and a treat cos she clearly doesn’t have enough new toys after her birthday lol

----------


## Suzi

Aww! Well done Talia!

----------


## Paula

Slowly but surely is the best way - well done Talia and well done you  :):

----------


## Stella180

Talia’s weigh in was the highlight of my day. Even though I had seen for myself the changes from day one I certainly didn’t imagine the loss was that drastic and I know that is mostly down to getting her thyroid sorted but it’s great to see it on the scales. I love that little snuggle monster so much and I guess it feels good to know that I’ve done something right by her. 

Since then there have been tears this afternoon. Just a little over emotional. Thinking about all sorts of stuff. I need to call the estate agents and try and get this valuation sorted for Legal Aid ASAP. I’m desperate to see my boys again. I know it’s difficult at the moment anyway but I miss them so much it hurts. It’s been 17 months since I spent any meaningful time with them. I know many families are finding it hard being apart due it this virus for the parts couple of months and that is just a taste of what my life has been for so long. There aren’t words to describe how broken I feel. Some people think that because I don’t talk about them much I don’t care but it’s the opposite. I can’t talk about them cos it hurts too much but sometimes I can’t hide away from the reality, distract from the truth and it all comes flooding out and I can’t control it. I can’t breathe, I feel completely drained, can’t do anything but cry and I know I need to be stronger, that I have to bury that pain and fight for my family all over again.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni....  :Panda:   :(bear):

----------


## Stella180

New mattress has arrived!!! Woohoo. Now what kind of idiot orders a new double mattress during lockdown when they have no one to help carry it up the stairs? Yeah that’s right, this idiot right here. My body is probably going to complain a lot tomorrow (right shoulder and back already a little unhappy) but at least I’ll have a nice comfortable sleep.

----------


## Suzi

Oh no! I hadn't thought of that! Would be interested in your reviews  :O:

----------


## Stella180

Well so far it feels a bit weird going back to memory foam and going from a 7in to an 11in I can tell you Talia is unimpressed cos she definitely can’t climb up onto my bed now. I got a couple of memory foam pillows with it which are a lot higher than I’m used to so not sure how that is going to work out long term. Between the extra 4ins and the pillows it’s affected my iPad viewing angle so I need to make a few changes for extra comfort. A couple of ideas running through my head about that. As for general comfort it’s looking good so far. Will let you know in the morning.

----------

Suzi (20-05-20)

----------


## Paula

I love memory foam! Hope you had a comfy night  :):

----------


## Stella180

Well I can tell you that I gave in to Talia’s whimpering this morning and picked her up onto the bed. She immediately made herself comfortable and started snoring lol. I think she approves. My neck and shoulders aren’t great this morning but I kinda expected that after lugging stuff around yesterday. Need to check how many substitutes I end up with on my order today. Dreading opening the email.

----------


## Jaquaia

You need doggy stairs!  :O:

----------


## Suzi

How was the shopping? 

Awww Talia!

----------


## Stella180

29 items ordered. 5 not sent and 3 useless substitutes. It is gradually getting worse. Currently lay on the bed cos new mattress lol. Need to get my ass into gear, got a ton on laundry to be done and I’m running out of plates again. Really need to sort myself out.

----------


## Suzi

Have you thought of trying a new supermarket?

----------


## Stella180

I’m going to have to at this rate. That’s almost a third of my order I didn’t get. It’s really not good enough. I’m just worried about getting a slot with another supermarket. 

One side it my mattress is firmer than the other. I don’t understand why.

----------


## Stella180

I’m getting stressed over doing nothing. I came upstairs earlier with the intention of reading, and so far I’ve browse FB, attempted to place an order with Sainsbury (gave up) emailed the mattress supplier about the level of firmness, but I still haven’t opened the book I wanted to read after almost 2hrs. And people wonder why I feel like such a failure all the time.

----------


## Suzi

I wonder how one side is firmer than the other! 

It's not a failure to have been distracted doing other things....

----------


## Stella180

But it’s something that happens far too often with me. Whether it’s household chores (yesterday it took 2hrs to swap the mattresses, stripping and remaking the bed) or chilling out with a book I’ve been wanting to read. At least now I know that Executive Dysfunction is a genuine thing and common amongst people with mental health issues, ADHD/ADD, autism (why had I not heard of this years ago?) so I know it’s not just laziness, but it doesn’t help to get things done. I still haven’t posted the video/pics to the estate agents yet cos the place is a complete  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  tip and an embarrassment. Losing the support of my cleaner due to lockdown had made everything so hard. What she could do in 2 hrs would take me 10 times as long. I’m just totally fed up with my way of life and being “kind to myself” and not “beating myself up” doesn’t change anything.

----------


## Suzi

No it doesn't change that the jobs are still to be done etc, but the hope is that you won't push yourself to meltdown level....

----------


## Stella180

But what other choice do I have? Nobody it here to help me so if I don’t do it then it doesn’t get done. That is a fact! I can’t win whatever I do and it’s so frustrating. I hate my life.

----------


## Suzi

You do have choices. It doesn't have to be "all or nothing"... You could set a time and a routine to do certain things which might help? Maybe do 20 mins in the kitchen, then stop etc...

----------


## Stella180

But I still end up falling behind. Like I say, no one to pick up the slack  :(:

----------


## Suzi

A while ago someone pointed us in the direction of flylady - it's scary, but it can help.... http://www.flylady.net/

----------


## Stella180

I’ll take a look. 

I think today is the day my power goes off. Some maintenance is going on and I’m likely to loss the electric for a few hours. I’ve already got loads of stuff planned to do while it’s off. It sounds kinda strange but it’s the waiting that’s getting to me. I know it’s going to happen I just don’t know exactly when so kinda edgy at the moment.

----------


## Stella180

I’m a twat! It’s next week the power is off. Oh well, best get my ass into gear and sort this place out

----------


## Suzi

Just take it step by step... Each thing you do today you don't have to do tomorrow

----------


## Stella180

I’ve sorted the washing up and had an argument with someone on FB. Some people are so damn it’s unreal. Some dude posts something saying “don’t but these balls, my dog nearly choked on one”. I tried to point out that if isn’t the balls fault, it’s the owner who thought saving a bit of money getting a smaller size was a good idea not thinking it would then become a choke hazard. Easy solution, but the correct size toys for your pet. Apparently I’m wrong. Oh well. 

I’ve sent the pics over to the estate agent. Totally embarrassed about the state my home is in and begged her not to judge me. I suppose it helps to keep the value low lol need a figure under 100k to get Legal Aid. Because it’s a concrete build its hard to get a mortgage so the value is affected because of that. When I bought the place I never had any intention of moving again so not like I wanna sell up. Keeping everything crossed that we can get this all finalised. This has been going on since October due to the complicated situation and we haven’t even applied to the courts yet! I did get confirmation that the mediation certificate is with the solicitor now so not long hopefully until the application goes through and I can get to spend time with my boys.

----------


## Suzi

It's so easy for a simple comment to turn into a full blown row on fb! 

Well done for doing the pics for the estate agent.

----------


## Stella180

Been out delivering the paracord stuff today, just dropping them through letterboxes. Everyone seems really happy with them so I’ve decided to post on FB Marketplace and see if we can raise a bit more money for Aspie. We’re up to £85 so far which isn’t bad for sitting on my butt tying knots in string. I wanna break through the 3 figure barrier if I can. Apart from that I’ve done a whole load of nothing today and can’t see that changing. I’m lay on the sofa with a soppy dog between my legs watching brain dead tv. Not moving. Not thinking. Total relaxation.

----------


## Suzi

Well done on the money raising, sounds like it's going really well!

----------


## Stella180

Need to get a few more of the trolley token keyrings done. They are quick and easy and at £2.50 I should be able to get rid a few.

My brain is turning to mush. I’m watching Ancient Aliens and it crazy so many people believe this crap. Apparently the reason we haven’t found the missing link is it doesn’t exist because extraterrestrials came to earth and altered our DNA. Lol

----------


## Paula

Whole lotta nothing? Youve created. Listed for sale. Got off your backside to deliver. Doesnt sound like nothing to me!

----------


## Stella180

I’ve not moved in about 2.5hrs and nor has Talia. She’s spark out so couldn’t move without disturbing her anyway. That’s my excuse and sticking to it.

----------


## Suzi

As long as you don't beat yourself up about it tomorrow...

----------


## Stella180

Nah, even decided to get a few beers in. Chatting with one of the old JOY workers I got on really well with and she helped me so much.

----------


## Mira

Sounds like a good evening. Enjoy  :):

----------


## Stella180

I got a bit emotional over the weekend. Between lockdown and trying to sort this legal stuff it’s all taking it’s toll. I’ve had lots of puppy cuddles to try and cheer me up. I’ve called the vet and sorted snuggle pups meds and waiting on my inhaler being delivered. I’ve bought I battery operated pressure cleaner so I can clean the car on the driveway. No hosepipes or power leads, just a bucket and a lance. Nice and easy. Sold another bracelet and a lanyard and got an order for 5 more sets so broke through the £100 barrier easily. Quite proud of myself.

----------


## Suzi

Well done love! That's really cool! 
Want to talk about the emotionalness?

----------


## Stella180

Probably best not to. It’ll only start the waterworks again.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:   :(bear):

----------


## Paula

You should be proud of yourself!

----------


## Stella180

Most of you have probably seen my creations but just in case...

https://ibb.co/JcjFP1W
https://ibb.co/VjMY03g
https://ibb.co/5Lkkd6h
https://ibb.co/GMzQbZJ
https://ibb.co/DK64HdJ

----------


## Mira

For me its a first. But they do look great.

----------


## Suzi

They are fab!  :):

----------


## Stella180

In the past 2 days I’ve made £59 which brings the total up to £144. I’m happy with that. One guy does a lot hunting and thinks they would be popular in those circles and as he so happy with what I’ve done for him he is going to spread the word for me. I’ve achieved what I wanted to do. Might have to start taking my costs out of future sales cos I’ve worked out how much I’ve spent on buckles clips and cord and it’s adding up. Need to get some of the bottle openers moving. 

Last guitar lesson tomorrow and I’m quite grateful. I’ve enjoyed the lessons but I want to go back to the beginning and work through it all at a pace I feel comfortable with. Maybe once I’ve got my head round it all and am happy with my progress I might look at further lessons at a later date.

----------

Flo (26-05-20),Paula (26-05-20)

----------


## Suzi

That post is full of positives. You do need to take costs out though hunni...

----------


## Stella180

Covering the costs myself was kinda like my own personal donation but I’m up to round £30 so far and need to order more stuff. I wasn’t expecting to do so many. 14 sets have gone out so far plus a few individual items and I still have a few items put aside for car boots/craft fairs when things return to normal.

----------


## Suzi

£30 donation is more than enough love, make sure you take the other costs out...

----------


## Stella180

Oh what a ball ache! I got the valuation through this morning mid way through my guitar lesson so concentration went out of the window. Try to forward it to my solicitor who off sick so given an email for the person taking on her work load for that to bounce back cos she’s on leave so a third person was contacted. It’s not exactly clear cut so still don’t know where I stand. Stressed doesn’t quite cover it.

----------


## Paula

Was it the valuation you needed though?

----------


## Suzi

That sounds frustrating....

----------


## Stella180

> Was it the valuation you needed though?


That is a question I can’t really answer until I’ve spoken to someone cos I have no idea.

----------


## Stella180

Ha, turns out the guy I emailed doesn’t know either. I could do without all this right now.

----------


## Suzi

That must be really frustrating!

----------


## Stella180

I’ve just realised I’ve not eaten all day apart from a few pringles this morning while waiting for the pharmacy to answer the phone, so I’ve ordered my first takeaway in weeks cos I really can’t be bothered to cook.

----------


## Suzi

Fair enough!

----------


## Stella180

I’m not good. Spent the afternoon in bed and missed a zoom meeting set up for a friends birthday. Tried watching one of my favourite shows but I still feel like crap. I don’t know what to do. Push on through or take time out or something in between. I’m stuck.

----------


## Suzi

Maybe find a halfway house - not all or nothing? You're opening up and talking more about things that are painful as well as beating yourself up for your house not being tidy etc, whilst also dealing with lockdown etc.... Can you set yourself a small goal which is achievable?

----------


## Stella180

Today I have a load of washing to be done, some washing up and attempt to declutter the kitchen was on my list of things to do. I’ve been out in the garden playing with Talia who is a big bundle of energy today, put a bit of guitar practice in but didn’t take long for me to get annoyed with myself over that. I’ve sent a bunch of bank statements over to the solicitors and hopefully that will be the end of it. Awaiting a response to my chances of actually getting funding. 

I’m fighting the urge to just go back to bed and it’s not even 11am yet! My head is scrambled and I can’t seem to slow things down to try and figure out what I need to do and the natural instinct is to do nothing. Not sure that is a constructive thought but still.

----------


## Suzi

So you've done a lot already! Can you pace with some of the other tasks?

----------


## Stella180

I’ve just realised I forgot to pick up Talia’s meds this morning. Gonna have to creep and get another appointment to collect. I’ve double checked all the documents needed about my LA application and forwarded the psych letter ref. ASD and had to carry out an experiment regarding the new mattress and send a pic of the results to the manufacturer. Still not done bugger all around the house yet and don’t really feel up to doing it.

----------


## Suzi

I'm intrigued as to the experiment lol....

----------


## Stella180

Nothing exciting. Basically putting two equal weights on either side of the mattress, of course if there is a discrepancy in the mattress’s firmness one with obviously sink further then the other. They needed some kind of visual evidence.

----------


## Suzi

So does this mean you're getting a new replacement?

----------


## Stella180

I suppose so at some point. Took forever to get to sleep last night. Didn’t drop off til around 3am. I was going to wash the car todaybut it’s a bit warm out there and I can’t find the shampoo. I did get Talia’s meds sorted this morning and popped into Lidl for some cherries and scoffed the lot. I did manage to get the load of washing on last night and the washing up eventually got done. Kitchen is still a tip but I’ll try and do something small every time I walk in there and hopefully it was get things to a point where I feel I can get it organised fully.

----------


## Suzi

That actually sounds like you're pacing with the kitchen! That's awesome!

----------


## Stella180

I can’t face the job as a whole so I’m copping out really but so long as I do something it’s one less think that’s needed next time right?

----------


## Jaquaia

One of my counsellors suggested doing things like you are doing. She said things can be overwhelming if you look at things as a whole but if you break things down then you feel like you've actually achieved something when you see the smaller jobs getting done. I've been teaching J how to do things like that and even he admits it works.

----------


## Stella180

It’s not easy for me for a variety of reasons but I’m gonna try it.

----------


## Suzi

It isn't easy, but it does help...

----------


## Stella180

Tomorrow is the day the electric is off from 9am til 4pm. Yep, 7 hrs without power so I’ve made a list of things I can  do that doesn’t involve electricity. In no particular order...

• Long walk with Talia
• Go fill the car with fuel (and pick up some shampoo)
• Tesco shopping for a few essentials. 
• Wash the car. 
• fill a few bin bags with rubbish and old clothes. 
• Guitar practice. 
• Read the book that was recommended by a friend.

I can attempt to do some decluttering as I go and that should fill the majority of the day. I’m sure I can sneak in a nap after my lunchtime meds. It’s a bit of a bummer that everywhere is shut or I might’ve taken the snuggle pup for a day out somewhere nice.

----------


## Suzi

Why's the power going off? Good list btw!

----------


## Strugglingmum

That sounds like a full day. Enjoy

----------


## Stella180

> Why's the power going off? Good list btw!


Some repairs needed apparently. Im looking forward to putting my new battery operated pressure washer to work tomorrow. Its only for washing the car with, and maybe giving Talia a soaking 😂

----------


## Suzi

Lol, hope your day is as fun as it can be!  :):

----------


## Stella180

In 5 minutes the power goes off and I’m actually kinda anxious about it. Stupid when I’ve prepared for this and it’s only for a few hours but since when was anxiety rational? I’m looking at my list of things to do and don’t know where to start. Do I take the dog out, do the car, bag the clothes etc.

----------


## Suzi

How're you doing?

----------


## Stella180

Not good. All was fine until I tried to use the power washer and it’s not drawing water. Grrr. But I’ve filled the car and had the most amazingly sweet strawberries for breakfast. Queue to get into Tesco was ridiculous so I skipped that one as well. My chest isn’t great this morning so may need to revise the dog walking route. Gonna go lie on the bed and read a book now cos that’s something that can’t go wrong.

----------


## Suzi

Marc has just got back from Tesco and he agreed that the queue to get in was mad... Seems everyone's going BBQ mad ready for being allowed to have 6 people in your garden on Monday....

----------


## Stella180

Well I have one in my front garden right now.

----------


## Suzi

Awesome!

----------


## Stella180

I dunno about that. When a friend who lives 20+ miles way turns up on my doorstep with tears in there eyes I’m not gonna turn them away. We chatted and Talia gave him lots of cuddles. She even tried to go home with him (and they say dogs are loyal)  :(think): 

Don’t suppose anyone has a magic potion to mend a broken heart? I hate seeing someone I care about hurting so bad  :(:

----------

OldMike (30-05-20)

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni  :Panda:   :Panda:

----------


## Stella180

I went upstairs with the intention of trying to read my book again but fell asleep instead. Have also looked up some design ideas for a project I wanted to do. My head hurts and I need feeding.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry, just seen you called - will speak to you tomorrow if that's OK? 
Have you eaten?

----------


## Stella180

Yep, fed and watered. I got my electric back on but the workers have been digging the road up all evening, right outside my next door neighbours. Not exactly the best way to end the day. I’m hot stressed and tired.

----------


## Suzi

Did you sleep?

----------


## Stella180

I did eventually around 3am but I slept in too so it’s all good. I thing the stresses of yesterday took its toll, faulty power washer, unexpected visitor, not getting anything constructive done and a result.

----------


## Suzi

Result?

----------


## Stella180

I had so many things planned and they didn’t happen. I’m not exactly a fan of unexpected visits and the whole lockdown/social distancing thing. I was hoping to get some time reading this book I’ve been promising to read for weeks and not done. The house is still a mess, my car is still dirty. I achieved nothing and today I feel...exhausted is the wrong word but I just don’t have the energy to deal with stuff. I don’t want to do anything. I had so many positive things I wanted to do yesterday and it all went tits up and I guess I’m disappointed by that.

----------


## Paula

Perhaps you need to plan less? You seem to be setting yourself up for a fail when you do that

----------


## Suzi

Paula's right, you seem to plan so much - and it's not just "tidy the corner of the kitchen" - it's all or nothing again..

----------


## Stella180

A lot of my list for yesterday was recreational and didn’t even manage that and I know why, it was the unexpected visit. Although I’m glad he chose to come to one of the two people he can trust (I was nearest at that moment in time) and I would always be there for a friend in need, it totally through me off and was emotionally draining. I guess I need time to get back on track. A day of food drink and crappy TV is all I have planned for today. It’s about all I feel good for.

----------


## Suzi

Most of your posts recently seem really negative towards yourself...

----------


## Stella180

I didn’t think so. I’m I missing something?

----------


## Suzi

You just seem so hard on yourself, making comments such as "all I'm good for" etc....

----------


## Stella180

Some days that’s the way I feel. It’s just an in the moment thing. If I am going to be a better person and feel better about myself I have to push to achieve what that means to me.

----------


## Paula

Youve done CBT, right? It seems to me that youre forgetting to change your behaviour to impact on your thoughts and emotions itms?

----------


## Stella180

You forget that CBT didn’t wort for me and since my diagnosis late last year why CBT didn’t work for me.

----------


## Suzi

Look back through your posts here and apart from being pleased about the amount of money you've raised for Aspies, I don't think you've been kind to you at all... The way you talk about you is really negative...

----------


## Stella180

I don’t know. I feel like I’ve been honest. I’m struggling but trying to do positive things. I may not have achieved what I set out to do but I keep trying.

----------


## Suzi

That's not what I mean. What I mean is that you are being negative about YOU...

----------


## Stella180

Not what I mean. Well I dunno. I try to do the best for all around me, myself included, I wanna do the right thing. I wanna feel better but now I wonder.

----------


## Suzi

You wonder what? 
How are you today? Did you sleep?

----------


## Stella180

I’m feeling incredibly sorry for myself. I’ve spent all day in bed today. I had a dream last night about the boys and my mum and dad. I guess it unsettled me a bit.

----------


## Suzi

I'm sorry you had dreams like that, I hate unsettling dreams.... Hope you can get up and do the essentials - make sure you've taken your meds, had enough to drink and eaten....

----------


## Stella180

I got up to eat and drink and I’m fully medicated. That is literally all I’ve done today. Feel like I could sleep for a fortnight.

----------


## Paula

How are you this morning, lovely?

----------


## Stella180

I wrote a reply explaining all that I have done this morning (which isn’t much) and realised that doesn’t answer the question.  The fact it’s 9.50 and I’ve had enough and gone back to bed probably says it all.

----------


## Suzi

Why? What's happened?

----------


## Stella180

Nothing has happened, just not a great day mood wise. 

I got the call from Healthy Minds about an hour ago and after 40mins it was decided that she couldn’t help me (getting used to hearing that now), but would refer me to long term therapy with a psychologist, so back on the waiting list again. It’s bloody annoying because my first conversation with the service back in Aug/Sept long term counselling was what I agreed too only for a supervisor to interfere and tell me to drive 20 miles for CBT which my notes should state is more harmful than good for me, and I even told them that several times! I’ll get there eventually it’s just frustrating.

----------


## Suzi

That is frustrating love... I'm sorry that you didn't get the help you need and deserve.

----------


## Stella180

Well to be fair she could only offer me the standard 6 sessions and we both agreed that I need more that that so she’s referred me. It’s definitely for the best but annoying that I now find myself at the back a queue I should’ve been in since August of last year. 

I’ve decided I need ice cream. And perhaps cake too. I’d also like steak with jacket spud, and salad, prepared by someone else and not have to wash up either. I miss pub grub. I probably shouldn’t but tempted to get a takeaway tonight. Got loads of food in the house but if left to me to cook I’ll probably End up going without. In a proper cba mood today.

----------


## Suzi

You need to eat love...

----------


## Stella180

I have eaten. For what it was worth. My lovely sister somehow managed to put a £67.99 transactions through to my bank account via her phone and I’ve just spent the past hour and a half sorting it out. She’s such a drip it’s unreal and no sense of responsibility whatsoever. It’s hard to believe we’re related. So any energy I have managed to muster today has been wasted sorting out her crap.

----------


## Suzi

Oh no! That's a large amount to have used your account for!

----------


## Stella180

It should never have happened! I don’t know how it did but it’s sorted now, just have to wait for the refund to hit my account. I just get so fed up of sorting crap out constantly. This past week their has been so much, property valuation and Legal Aid applications, faulty mattress, faulty pressure washer, friend with a broken heart and now this. It’s emotionally draining and a just want a period of time where I can get my head straight and start focusing on me without all the petty stresses that build up and I feel like my head is going to explode.

----------


## Stella180

Had a bit of a lie in this morning. Woke up with a headache so decided to go back to sleep and hope it would pass and it did. I’ve also dug the electric guitar out of the spare room and decided to play with that this morning. That was until I realised the amp power lead was missing so had to scrambled through a load of boxes to find it. I think I’m ready to let a few more of my parents boys and pieces go but maybe wait until I have some help with it. So this morning I will by attempting a few new songs cos this week I am sick of Bob Marley’s Three Little Birds going through my head constantly.

----------


## Suzi

ROFL, epic song though  :O:  

Going through stuff from those passed is tough. I'm glad you're going to wait till you have some help to do it. 
Electric and acoustic? Awesome!

----------


## Stella180

Yeah I bough the electric about 3 yrs ago when I decided O wanted to learn to play and it’s pretty much been gathering dust ever since. I bought the first acoustic to go to lessons at the local community centre in 2018! I finally got these few online lessons sorted, played it for 3 weeks and traded up to a new one lol. I’ve now managed to figure out the intros to Wild Thing and Nothing Else Matters. Yeah I really am a novice. 

Made a couple of bracelets and trolley tokens this morning too but got bored of that. I’ve put a load of washing on and another ready to go and now sorting and a load of recycling Before sitting down to play the Bullseye DVD game I found upstairs when searching for my guitar lead. Considering the past couple of days I’ve barely had the energy to get out of bed today I’m full of it so making the most of it and getting a few things done around the house.

----------


## Paula

Everybody starts somewhere  :O:

----------


## Stella180

I’m not sure how I did it but somehow managed to hurt my elbow. I was ok up until I sat down to watch a movie. Probably a bit of golfers elbow. All I know is it’s bloody painful. Really annoying cos I wanted to get my bedroom sorted out today. I’d barely started before the pain was too much and I had to give up. I did manage to clear a load of crap out and hang a picture that has been kicking around for ages so it’s a start at least.

----------


## Paula

Have you got some ibuprofen? And a bag of frozen peas?

----------


## Stella180

This is the kicker. Can’t tike anti inflammatories so it’s ice packs and painkillers. Seriously if not even using my arm and it painful. How you guys deal with chronic pain is beyond me, I’m such a pussy it’s unreal lol

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like you've achieved lots of things today. Maybe not the complete picture, but loads of progress! Well done.
I've found tiger balm or biofreeze really helpful! (Get the spray of biofreezr, the roll on is useless!)

----------


## Stella180

I’m heading to Tesco now cos it’s getting worse not better. I have enough trouble with my shoulders without my elbow joining in as well

----------


## Suzi

Maybe you need to rest it a little?

----------


## Stella180

I am resting. Lay down watching S.H.I.E.L.D

Happened to pick up some raspberry sorbet and my fave chocolate almond milk.

----------


## Suzi

Morning love, how's your elbow today?

----------


## Stella180

Painful. Not us bad as it was last night thankfully. Can’t even use my left hand to hold me phone of open a door  :(:

----------


## Suzi

Do you think you should get it checked out?

----------


## Paula

Is it red? Swollen?

----------


## Stella180

There was redness last night but not so much now. No swelling. I put a support bandage on overnight. Clearly the RICE treatment worked. Still painful but it’s bearable now compared to last night when it almost brought me to tears. Give it few days I’ll be fine.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  :(bear):  :Panda:  :(bear):

----------


## Stella180

Had a lazy day today doing nothing. I was asked to take part in an Aspie video chat but declined. I’m pretty sure if I had got involved in would most likely end in tears and they wouldn’t have been mine. I have a really bad feeling and doing my best to stay out of the way so I don’t get dragged down. If and when the time is right I’ll step up but until then I’m keeping a low profile. 

I was looking at exercises to help with my elbow and came across something stating that issues in the shoulder or wrist can create problems with the elbow which is interesting so gonna try and work on some simple rotation exercises, if I can do it pain free.

----------


## Suzi

Why do you think it would have ended in tears? 
Hazel has issues with her wrist, elbow and shoulders all throw each other out! Hope you're resting it though love.

----------


## Stella180

I’ve done bugger all today so definitely rested. Lay in bed watching tv. Feeling sleepy so not long until I’ll be out cold.

----------


## Suzi

Morning love, how's your elbow? Did you sleep?

----------


## Stella180

Only just woke up, and still feel knackered. Elbow is ok so long is I don’t straighten my arm fully or bend past 90 degrees. A lot better than 2 days ago.

----------


## Suzi

You sure you shouldn't get it looked at?

----------


## Stella180

No it’s fine. It’s getting better. It’s just gonna take a little time to fully heal. 

Wish I’d stayed in bed today. Big ideas about getting stuff sorted out and all I’ve achieved is elevated stress levels. It’s a no win situation. I try to do stuff and stress out so I sit down and try to calm down and I see all the stuff I need to do and get stressed that I’m not doing anything! I guess today isn’t a good day. Might hop in the car and go for a drive just to get out of the house and away from it all for a bit. It’s still gonna be there when I get back but hopefully clearing my head might help to get something done later. My smart meter is bleeping as me because I stupidly topped up the electric last week instead of the gas which was low and hadn’t realised. It can take an hour to show up so need to get out to avoid the bleeping.

----------


## Paula

If youre determined not to get your elbow looked at, the only way its going to heal is if you rest it - which probably means leaving the stuff to be sorted until its better .......

----------


## Stella180

It’s already better than it was. Tuesday afternoon/evening I was in agony and couldn’t do anything with it. I’m not an idiot. I’m not lifting or twisting, I’m limiting movement to within painfree limits and being righthanded most stuff is done with my other hand. I just want to get my home back in shape and get my life back. 

Oh and I forgot I placed a grocery delivery for today and missed it by 7 mins! I should probably just give up and go back to bed.

----------


## Suzi

You missed them arriving? 

I wasn't suggesting you were an idiot, just that sometimes we all dismiss pains etc when we should really get them looked at... Glad it's getting better though.

----------


## Stella180

I’m sorry for snapping  :(:  I’m having a really tough day. I did end up going back up to bed and when Talia joined me I really wasn’t in the mood for having her around me. Within a couple of minutes she was resting her head on my arm with me stroking her and we both dozed off. She really is such a sweetie and it’s impossible not to love her. I’m still feeling a bit sorry for myself but my stress levels are reduced. Am so fed up with my life as it is and I don’t mean because of lockdown.

----------


## Suzi

That's OK...  :Panda:  Well done for doing the self care thing and going and resting. I bet that doze has helped. 

What kind of things do you want to change about your life?

----------


## Stella180

Ha, everything. I want to be able to maintain a clean and tidy home, I want a job I‘d enjoy, I wanna spend quality time with my boys and be a mother to them. I wanna feel good about what I offer this world, I want to feel like I’m making a difference. I want to be able to say all of this without tears in my eyes because I know I’m dreaming.

----------


## Paula

You dont have to do it all at once, hunni. Youre working on the boys, so can you try to put that to one side until the decisions been made on legal aid?

As for the others, you have made a difference with the stuff youre selling for Aspies but perhaps, when lockdown is gone, you could think about expanding that - at markets etc? Or even try selling on eBay now? That could lead to your own small business which you could enjoy too.

Theyre not pipe dreams, theyre just not going to happen overnight and pressurising yourself to get it all done or nothing done is not going to get you anywhere.

As for your home, and Im not sure if its remotely doable or whether it would impact legal aid, But have you considered downsizing? I know you want rooms for the boys but, to be perfectly honest, Katie wasnt much older when she stopped staying overnight at her dads, though she still spent days and evenings with him. Maybe the overnight stays could be a dream you let go so that you can achieve another dream of a home you can manage?

----------


## Suzi

You aren't dreaming... There are things there that you do already but you don't realise or accept it. You make a difference to me - I know others who would say the same. You make my life better by being my friend. You offer so much. You are one of the fiercest friends and allies I've ever had. Again, I know it's not just me that feels that way about you. 
Things about the house and your boys will come love.

----------


## Stella180

Elbow is a lot better now. Can actually put pressure on arm now without pain, well a a little bit but nothing to worry about. Time to get back to playing the guitar again. 

I popped to the post office this morning to send the order for paracord stuff to Nottingham, put a load of washing on and done the washing up. Playing catch-up after my few days out of action but tomorrow I’m blitzing the bedroom. I can’t remember the last time I sat in the chair up there cos it’s covered in clothes and crap. Got my replacement mattress coming in just over a week. They don’t rush that’s for sure.

----------


## Paula

Glad your elbows improving  :):

----------


## Suzi

Glad you have sorted the mattress issue. It's good news about your elbow!

----------


## Stella180

Run out of anything nice to drink in the house. Should really go to the shop and get something and maybe find something nice for dinner too. If only I could be bothered to move.

----------


## Suzi

Have you eaten today?

----------


## Stella180

Yes! Did you forget about me putting 12ins of meaty goodness in my mouth? I’ll probably grab something quick and easy, Pot Noodle or something. Wasn’t anything that I fancied in the shop but grabbed some milk, apple juice, and still lemonade. Oh and some ice cream.

----------


## Suzi

Oh yes of course!!  :(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## Stella180

Grrrr, someone or something outside has got Talia on high alert tonight and she will not settle. She’s had the devil in her all day today and now this. Not impressed at all!!

----------


## Paula

Oh no! Did she settle in the end?

----------


## Suzi

Hope she settled and you both got some sleep.

----------


## Stella180

Eventually yeah. This morning she has been a cuddle monster. 

I’ve still not managed to get anything done yet but that will change soon. I need to get my butt into gear. Gonna blast some tunes and hopefully I can get into a rhythm and make a dent in the bedroom decluttering.

----------

Paula (07-06-20)

----------


## Suzi

Good for you!  :):

----------


## Stella180

I’ve managed to get rid of a bag full of old clothes and found my chair again! Gotta put some washing on and sort a load more junk out. Definitely not going to get it all done in a day but I needed to make a start and once it’s a bit more organised and can start working on the rest.

----------


## Suzi

Well done! You're doing better than me this morning!

----------


## Stella180

It’s slow going but my bookcase is now dust free and I can actually see the top of it! The room still looks like a bomb site but I’m doing something at least.

----------


## Suzi

Well done lovely!

----------


## Paula

Whereas Im sitting here without the energy to even clear up my lunch stuff  :O:

----------


## Stella180

It’s seriously overdue. Decided to sit and watch AoS while the first load of washing is on. I’ll get back to it once I’ve had dinner. Roast pork on the menu today and looking forward to it.

----------


## Suzi

AoS?  
How're you doing?

----------


## Stella180

Agents of Shield. 

I’ve been invited to a video chat this evening and I don’t know if I feel up to it. I used the housework as an excuse and it is true that I have got a lot to do but I could take some time out to hang out with them, I guess I’m just worried about the conversation going places I don’t want to go and it getting awkward. See how I feel later I guess.

----------


## Suzi

Ahh of course!!

Why not join for a bit? You can always make your excuses and leave?

----------


## Stella180

Nah I bottled it. As it turns out I was in the shower when they started and I wasn’t gonna join in naked, I don’t think it was that kind of chat lol

----------


## Paula

:(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

You could have turned it into that kind of chat lol

----------


## Stella180

Nooooooooo! With a bunch of socially awkward lads who probably don’t know one end of a woman from the other? Yeah that’s not on my bucket list.

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):   :(rofl):   :(rofl): 

How you doing today?

----------


## Stella180

Still in bed. I’ve been playing games on my phone and listening to music all morning. Really should get up and sort the rest of this bedroom out. Also need food and drink but I can’t possibly move while the snuggle pup in giving me such lovely cuddles.

----------


## Suzi

You can do it!!!

----------


## Stella180

Nope it’s just not working today. I’ve made a start on the top of my bedside cabinet, cleared all the crap off and polished but that’s about it. I can’t seem to get my head around what needs to be done and do it efficiently without getting stressed. 

Anyway I’m out of bed, dressed, and medicated so today is about the little victories. I’m a bit frustrated cos I really wanted to get the bedroom finished today but there is no point pushing on days like this cos it’ll only end badly. Maybe tomorrow?

----------


## Paula

Definitely the right decision then. But is there anything else you can do? Have you been out for a walk?

----------


## Stella180

No not today. I’ve just sold my old firetv stick so gonna drop that off to a mate in a bit. Might try and get the bed moved and clean under there at least so it can start being used for storage again.

----------


## Suzi

That sounds like a crappy job.. 

Well done for celebrating today's victories.

----------


## Stella180

You’re not kidding it’s a crappy job. Some of the stuff I found under there you wouldn’t believe. It was pretty gross lol

----------


## Suzi

But it's done now?

----------


## Stella180

Need to drag the vacuum upstairs but I need to build up the energy for that so having a lie on the bed and watching an episode of AoS to chill out for a bit and maybe have another bash after.

----------


## Suzi

Good for you! Have you eaten and had enough to drink today?

----------


## Stella180

Yeah I’ve eaten. Not exactly the right kinda things but I’ve eaten. I have been drinking but again not enough. You know what  I’m like for putting those things to the bottom of my priority list.

----------


## Suzi

Hmm.... Stop the drinking  :O:  Eat properly... There, that's your lecture from me...

----------


## Stella180

Stop drinking? Shouldn’t I be drinking more?

----------


## Suzi

Depends what you're drinking.....

----------


## Stella180

Fruit juice and water. Disappointed that you expect anything else  :(:

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  You're awesome.

----------


## Stella180

Are you still here? Isn’t it past your bed time?

----------


## Stella180

I have a discount code for Uber eats so thought I’d make use of it. While waiting I hoovered under the bed. No idea how but I noticed the support legs had worked loose and one of them actually fell off. This meant I had to drag the mattress off the bed so I could tighten the screws which I did (see, having Allen keys in your bedside drawer does come in handy) but stupidly slipped while leaning across and managed to break one of the wooden slats. As if that wasn’t bad enough when I checked to see where my delivery was my order had been cancelled by the restaurant. No food and a broken bed at 9.30pm. Grrrr. Fortunately I ordered some replacement slats a week or two ago cos I was going to check them for bowing and replace any that needed it and the one at the end of the bed which I broke when I first built it. Cba to do it tonight so it looks like I have a new job to do tomorrow. Sometimes being single sucks cos lugging mattresses around on my own is a pita. A big strong handsome hunk with rippling muscles to do all the heavy lifting while I sit and watch sounds quite nice right now  :O:

----------


## Paula

Have you eaten?

----------


## Stella180

Yeah but I was looking forward to the chicken salad I ordered.

----------


## Stella180

Still wide awake window shopping for guitar stuff and reading up on pentatonic scales. Talia has just gone from snoring to growling and set off to find the source of the noise outside. Sounds a bit like someone trying to put a screw in. Piece of wood with short bursts of an electric drill, just quieter. 

Totally random but there have been deer sightings near where I live. It’s not something I’ve ever come across in all the time I’ve lived in this city so it’s kind of exciting. There is a lot of woodland near me but thanks to the city expansion over the years housing estates have split it all up but I may have to go take I walk over to the area they’ve been spotted and see if I’m lucky enough to catch a glimpse of one.

----------


## Flo

Ooh! Exciting.....dawn is the best time to spot deer, when no one is usually around....very few cars etc., We have Sika deer here....very small and beautiful, about the size of a Labrador fully grown. Good luck.

----------


## Suzi

How are you today love?

----------


## Stella180

Tired.

----------


## Suzi

Can you try to pace today?

----------


## Stella180

Well I’ve fixed the bed. Was only going to be place a few slats but ended up doing the whole of the one side. The replacements a bought are so much better that the original ones I decided to change them all and keep the old ones as emergency spares and getting some more to do the other side. I’m sweating like a pig after hauling that mattress around so time to take a break and my meds. Sleep may well follow.

----------


## Suzi

That sounds incredibly physical! Hope you do pace a bit too.

----------


## Paula

No sleep and then you do that? Still, hopefully youll have a really good nights sleep in your (all but) new bed

----------


## Stella180

I only woke up about half an hour ago. I fell asleep cuddling Talia. Instead of feeling refreshed though I still feel tired. Gonna have something to eat and just slob out tonight. I have Salted Caramel ice cream in the freezer so that along with a box set should make for an enjoyable evening.

----------


## Suzi

That sounds like fun!

----------


## Stella180

I’ve just found an app which is aimed at parents to get their kids to do their chores but I’m hoping it will help me to organise myself to get tasks done. There is a points and reward system so I can use my competitive spirit to achieve more points each day/week. It’s going to take me a while to set up a routine with it but hopefully in time it will be a useful tool for me. Yeah I’m that desperate I might have to give myself pocket money each week lol.

----------


## Suzi

I love the idea of getting rewards for doing crap jobs around the house!
Did you sleep well?

----------


## Stella180

Didn’t drop off as quickly as I’d like and woken by the neighbour going the work at 6.30am. Gonna go test out the car washer in a bit and then work down the list of tasks I’ve marked on the app. Might ever finish up the bedroom today. Thinking of ways to repurpose the old bed slats. Sure they will come in handy somewhere.

----------


## Suzi

I hope the tasks you've set are actually realistic and achievable.....

----------


## Stella180

Yes Mum.

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## Stella180

I now have a cleaner car. Only gave it a quick once over cod I need to rebuild me valeting kit. Washer isn’t especially powerful but it makes the job a lot quicker. I don’t have an outside tap which is a pain but before I’d have to get the pressure washer out, unravel the hose,run and extension cord outside and hook it all up to get started. Now I just need to do is fill a bucket with water, drop the hose in and pull the trigger. It took approx 15 litres of water to hose down the loose dirt and rinse off the suds after. As I said the power level is disappointing but for what I want it’s ideal. I can even wash the dog with it lol

----------


## Paula

Poor Talia  :O:

----------


## Stella180

Talia likes a shower. Not she can have one in the back garden.

----------


## Suzi

Lol! Well done for doing that!

----------


## Jaquaia

She loves showers but hates the rain. Weirdo...

----------


## Stella180

Well they do say dogs are like there owners

----------


## Stella180

Since washing the car this morning I kinda lost my mojo. I was thinking of having lunch at 12 and it was 2.30 before I got around to eating. My afternoon achievement involved packing up a return to Amazon and battling with my printer to sort the return label, putting yet another load of washing on, the 4th load in 4 days, and had a bit of a sort out in the corner of the bedroom which didn’t last long but I must’ve stirred up a fair bit of dust cos my eyes are itching like crazy.

----------


## Paula

Youve done loads today, dont let your brain tell you otherwise!

----------


## Stella180

There was stupid error I made again which has lead to more work tomorrow but I’m getting there. Two steps forward one step back. I’ve dismantled the pedestal fan in my bedroom to give it a wash down but I don’t know if I’ll do it tonight or not. I’m currently sat munching or cheese and crackers with the lovely chutney I bought this morning. I grabbed myself a bottle of ice cold beer from the shop to go with it and it’s all going down quite nicely. I think I deserved a little treat.

----------


## Suzi

I love chutney!  :):  You've done brilliantly!

----------


## Stella180

Just got one of those dreaded brown envelopes through the door and it was actually good news. With the delay of my ESA assessment which should’ve been October 2019 (but they cancelled on me 30 mins before the appointment!), and the revised date falling or the same day as my uncle’s funeral I’m still waiting for a new date. My PiP is up for review soon too but thankfully due to CV they have extended it to 25 April 2021. One assessment is bad enough so having 2 to deal with sucks. Still no idea when my ESA assessment will take place.

----------


## Paula

That is good news!

----------


## Suzi

That's great news!

----------


## Stella180

Sorry but I have to rant...

What is wrong with the LGBTQ+ community??? It’s pride month and all I’m seeing it people being “offended” over everything! I thought Pride was about togetherness, acceptance and love not bitching and back biting and straight bashing. Apparently I don’t get it cos I’m straight. Yesterday I got caught up in an argument over someone who chose to use the word “queer” to define herself. Apparently that is a hate word and highly offensive. Not sure how that works as a self identifying label but still. L.G.B.T.......Q. 

Today I get  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  for pointing out that a person who was outraged by a JK Rowling essay because she was obviously transphobic and lying about gender laws, was actually taking the whole thing out of context and cherry picking the parts which fitted her agenda. I even supplied an article confirming the suggested law changes but no it was still BS and irrelevant. 

I agree with equal rights. I agree that hate crimes should be eradicated. I believe we should celebrate our diversity within the human race but apparently the people who have been oppressed think it’s perfectly ok to oppress others. They don’t want equal rights, they want to be on a pedestal looking down at others. I know this is a minority of people but they are doing so much damage. It’s the same with the BLM movement. A black man dies at the hands of a police officer in America and white police officers in the UK are attacked? I don’t see the logic. Police brutally and racial attacks are never ok. George Floyd should never have died. The police officers involved in his death deserve to be punished and I’m sure with the attention this event has been given they will be made an example of. But attacking anyone wearing a police uniform is wrong. The majority of those doing the job are trying to keep us safe and shouldn’t live in fear of attack because of the job they do. 

The world is a crazy place right now with everyone turning on each other at a time when we should be uniting in a battle against a virus which has already killed so many. What happened to the “we’re all in it together” slogan? Covid 19 doesn’t give a toss if you’re black, white, straight, gay, rich or poor. It doesn’t give a damn about what you do for a living. It doesn’t discriminate, all humans are a target. We need to learn to work together and stop fight each other. I’m sick of this world we live in.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry some of this was down to me! I posted the essay as actually I agree with a lot of what JK was saying. I hear so often from my girls how many in their year (15 - 16 year olds) think that they are trans. This is cool and I'm all for them being able to talk openly about all of this, but I do worry that there are times where people are so desperate for a label that they head down whatever route - it seems that girls who would previously be labelled "tomboys" are now suggested that they should transition.... The same with some boys who are more effeminate... I totally agree that there is a definite case for those who are trans and I do totally believe in equal rights for everyone. 

The world is mad though..

----------


## Stella180

No it was nothing to do with you someone else posted the same thing and went off on a rant about it and then all of she friends jumped onboard. Im seeing so many posts from people claiming they are poorly treated misunderstood and not treated equally but then they disrespect others. The rioting and violent protesters who are abusing the police, how can they justify their actions? None of it makes any sense. Am I being stupid or something?

----------


## Suzi

No you're not stupid, but just as an aside a ot of the violence and the abuse of the police wasn't done by the actual protestors. They were groups who had joined to cause trouble...

----------


## Stella180

Oh yeah I get that. The minority trouble makers ruining it for everyone else but there actions bring out more A-holes. 

In other news my Asda order arrived today. 6 substitutes and they were actually all suitable!!! I’m still in shock lol

----------


## Suzi

Blimey! Well done Asda, I don't think they ever managed that with us..

----------


## Stella180

I used to have delivery from that a year or two ago and had very few issues but since this lockdown it’s been mental.

----------


## Suzi

Oh, we've never had a whole delivery!

----------


## Stella180

Today is a chill day. Even thought there is so much that needs to be done am pretty much drained. Had an order for a few keyrings which I’ve made up this morning and advertised some of the stuff I’ve still got kicking around and hopefully can clear my stock and start from scratch.

----------


## Paula

A chill day sounds sensible

----------


## Suzi

I'm proud of you for recognising that you need a chill day..

----------


## Stella180

I’ve decided that today is a cold beer kinda day so after delivering an order and now hanging up my car keys I feel like a few beers in order. Might even join the group video chat tonight. Of all the fidget toys I own the infinity cube is my all time favourite so I’ve ordered a new one just because. On the last episode of S4 of AoS. Talia is outside sunbathing so we’re all happy. 

Hope everyone has had a good weekend.

----------


## Suzi

Glad you're having a good day love!

----------


## Stella180

It’s over due. Been battling for a while so glad to just be. Yeah I chose to kick back with a beer or three but we all need a bit of quality down time now and again.

----------


## Suzi

That's cool... As you say everyone deserves some down time.

----------


## Stella180

Didn’t sleep very well last night. It was gone 3am before I dozed off, woke again at 5.30, alarm went off at 8 and finally got out of bed at 10. Spent half the night watching You Tube videos and reading the story of the real life person who was the inspiration behind the character of Uncle Tom in Uncle Tom’s Cabin.

----------


## Suzi

Do you know why you didn't sleep?

----------


## Stella180

Talia was restless last night and up and down constantly and then I kinda got engrossed in the “Uncle Tom” story.

----------


## Suzi

Fair enough love. Hope you're having a good day...

----------


## Paula

What have you been up to today?

----------


## Stella180

Making a few different style keyrings using the box weave. They look good actually. Another cheap option for the craft fairs when they start up again.

----------


## Suzi

Well done love! Are you going to run a stall? That sounds brilliant!

----------


## Stella180

Depends if I can get the Aspie sweat shop up and running lol

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl): 

How are you today?

----------


## Stella180

I’m ok I think. Lots random stuff going around in my head. Loads of jobs to be done around the house and I’m not sure where to start.

----------


## Paula

What sort of random stuff?

----------


## Suzi

Start with the first thing that's in your head...

----------


## Stella180

None of it matters anymore. Finished of a couple of leftover beers from the weekend, ordered a Chinese takeaway for dinner and watching reruns of the 1996 Euros. It’s been an emotional afternoon but in the beat kinda way. Worth celebrating for sure.

----------

Paula (16-06-20)

----------


## Suzi

Absolutely!!  :):

----------


## Stella180

I even bought ice cream for dessert but too full to eat it. Just means more for tomorrow.

----------


## Suzi

Nom!  :):

----------


## Stella180

Definitely eaten way to much. I can barely move. Absolutely zonked now so should sleep well tonight.

----------


## Paula

Morning, love  :):

----------


## Stella180

Morning peeps

----------


## Suzi

Morning love, how did you sleep?

----------


## Stella180

I slept like a log. Only just dragged myself out of bed as I’m having a thoroughly lazy day.

----------


## Suzi

Glad you slept well! What are you up to today?

----------


## Paula

Oooo that sounds like a lush day!

----------


## Stella180

I have done absolutely nothing all day and it feels good.

----------


## Suzi

Good for you love!

----------


## Stella180

This morning the WiFi and landline were down so I took a drive out to pick up some stuff while waiting for the problem to be fixed. Was nice to get out for a bit even if the weather was crap. I’m feeling pretty good right now.

----------

Paula (18-06-20)

----------


## Suzi

I'm so impressed that you accepted that there was no wifi and went to do something different and you still feel good! I'm really proud of you!

----------


## Stella180

Yep. Something has lifted me up to the point where I’m walking on air and a couple of hours without WiFi isn’t gonna change that.

----------


## Suzi

That's awesome!

----------


## Stella180

I can’t wait for lockdown to be over so I can go visit some of the special people in my life. I’m gonna be clocking up a few miles when this is over that’s for sure.

----------

Paula (18-06-20)

----------


## Suzi

You're amazing!

----------


## Stella180

You won’t say that when I turn up on your doorstep wearing a “no hugs” t-shirt lol

----------


## Paula

Pfft, t shirt or no t shirt, youre getting hugs

----------


## Suzi

I'm with Paula, you're still being hugged.

----------


## Stella180

> Pfft, t shirt or no t shirt, youre getting hugs


We had this discussion earlier. So you are going to deliberately cause me distress knowing my sensory issues so you can get your hug fix? What wonderful friends you are  :(:

----------


## Paula

Are you going to deliberately cause a chronic hugger pain by withdrawing your hugs?  :O:

----------


## Stella180

Yes! Absolutely. What do you mean withdraw my hugs. I was never a willing participant lol

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

But Paula and I are chronic huggers and we have been in withdrawal during lockdown and you want to add to that? Just for a couple of minutes of awesome hugging? We are professionals you know...

----------


## Stella180

I ordered myself a mini headphone amp a while back for my guitar and forgot about it. Well it turned up today so I had to get it charged up and give it a go. I’d not picked up the guitar in what feels like ages (it’s probably been about a week) and I quite enjoyed it tonight. 

Can’t switch off at the moment with so much going around my head. I’m hoping my meds kick in soon.

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like you had a good chilled out time. Hope you slept well.

----------


## Paula

How you doin?

----------


## Stella180

Ok I guess mind is still racing due to uncertainties regarding my eldest lad and I need to get something sorted but that means being braver than I feel I can be right now. Gonna just potter around today. I slept ok but still felt tired when I woke up. Only just dragged myself out of bed.

----------


## Suzi

Write him a letter and get your solicitor to pass it to their solicitor and ask for it to be given to him with witnessed....

----------


## Stella180

Yeah but finding the words...it’s not that simple. There is a lot to consider.

----------


## Paula

No, its not simple but all he really needs to know is that you love him

----------


## Suzi

Paula's right. You just have to tell him that you love him and you want him to know that, and to know that you want to be there for him whenever you can and if he's willing you'd like to build a relationship with him. Tell him that you don't want to take him away from his grandparents, but you love him too and would love to spend some time with him.

----------

Stella180 (20-06-20)

----------


## Paula

How are you doing?

----------


## Suzi

Did you sleep?

----------


## Stella180

Yeah I slept ok. Bit of a strange day today. Father’s Day. 7 yrs since I lost my dad almost to the day so he’s in my thoughts. Also thinking about my boys who have an absent father and how I wish things were different for them. I’ve done some bad things in my life, and made some worse choices. I can’t change any of it but it’s hard to let go of too.

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  I know it's a tough day, but it's not all on you that the father of your children walked away and has chosen on multiple occasions not to be in their lives at all...

----------


## Paula

Im with Suzi, his actions are not on you and have never been on you

----------


## Stella180

Yeah I know but they deserve so much better than what they’ve got from life.

----------


## Paula

From what youve said, theyre doing ok, love

----------


## Suzi

They both sound as if they're doing OK love...

----------


## Stella180

Maybe but it is the furthest I ever imagined for what I wanted for them.

----------


## Suzi

That may be true, but don't let the past screw up the potentials of the future..

----------


## Stella180

Woohoo! My new guitar strap has arrived! Lol

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07KS3FK..._xFk9EbYFT7RZZ

----------


## Suzi

That's really cool!

----------


## Stella180

Haha, I thought it was it cool. Still waiting on ASDA to arrive. Was supposed to be here between 11-1pm.

----------


## Stella180

Checked the website and apparently my order has been delivered. Dunno where it’s been delivered but it was to my door! Grrr. This is the final straw, I’ve had nothing but trouble from them so I spoke to Tesco and made sure I’m set up for priority slots and gonna use them from now on. It’s just so bloody inconvenient cos now I have no food in the house and have to wait for a slot to come free with Tesco. Looks like I’m having takeaway tonight

----------


## Paula

Have you found it?? Definitely time to put them in your rear view mirror!

----------


## Suzi

So where is it? I assume you've complained? (Not that they cared much when we complained)....

----------


## Stella180

Nope, dunno where the order is but it was logged as delivered at 1.15pm. Seriously annoyed. This is going to sound mad but I know you get it now. 
I’m trying to order via the Tesco app and it’s not happening. The app is working fine but I’m not. The layout is different, products are different, I can’t rely on my favourites list to reorder my usual stuff and I am getting so stressed out I almost feel like crying. I hate that these things are so hard for me even though I now understand why. I just want some bloody groceries!

----------


## Suzi

Stop and breathe. It's going to be hard because it's different and because you're f*cking angry (and rightly so) with Asda. Give yourself 5 mins, walk away and then come back to it...

----------


## Stella180

I’ve managed to put an order together for click and collect on Saturday night. I still have the strange knotted feeling inside. I’ve never really been able to share how I feel when change occurs. The physical feelings as well as the emotional ones. It’s hard when things that most people consider trivial feel like a major crisis to me and then on the other hand the things where people expect me to struggle I’m absolutely fine. It doesn’t make sense. 

I remember many years ago having a row with my partner at the time because he used the wrong coloured pen when signing a cheque. It was such a huge deal for me and he, rightful I suppose, pointed out that it made no difference but for me wasn’t right and I got really upset over it. Another occasion where I over reacted to something of nothing. It’s why I rarely ask for help with stuff cos when they don’t do it right I get worked up and if I tell them I look ungrateful so I wait til they’re gone and redo it myself which defeated the object of getting help in the first place. 

I get upset with myself whenever I get my haircut because it’s never exactly what I want but I don’t know how to tell them what I do want and people are rarely able to read minds. Tonight there was a post in a group about what items of clothing make you feel sexy? I’ve no idea what sexy feels like let alone how to dress for it. Clothes serve a purpose and all I hate clothes shopping. All I want is practical and comfortable. That’s it. Dressing up doesn’t make my feel good, it makes me feel uncomfortable. 

It’s really hard embracing who I am when I don’t fit with the expectation of society. I’m different and I’m fine with that but that isn’t always a good thing. I’m often missing out or stuff because it’s awkward for me so I make some excuse or avoid certain activities or places. I miss out on so much due to small things. Of course now I understand what is behind a lot of these issues but it doesn’t really help. It just makes me sad. There are so many little things in my life that influence the big things and I have so many barrier, some I’ve built myself but others have just always been there. I guess this is one of the bumps in the road of self reflection and getting to know myself, seeing myself through a different lens. All of these thoughts because I needed to place an order for delivery from a different store.

----------


## Paula

Like so many things in life, its not clothes that give you self worth (in whatever form that takes). Its the confidence to be yourself, and ignore what society thinks or expects. And that applies to everything in our lives, as long as were kind and respectful with it

----------


## Stella180

And yet still people get dressed up and put make up on or get their hair done so it is obviously important. For me I look at things like school proms and just the thought about that scares me and I’m so glad we didn’t have things like that when we were at school. Anything that requires formalwear or any form of specific dress code makes me uncomfortable so for example I mate be really into playing tennis but at the end of season the local club has a formal dinner as a celebration and awards night. That one night of social expectation would be enough to stop me from joining the club and enjoying the sport. It might seem out of proportion but that’s how it is for me. Weddings are hell. The service is fine but the rituals that follow not so much, catching the bouquet, err no thanks not getting involved in that. The greetings between the couple and family with guests at the wedding breakfast makes me cringe, and then sitting on a table eating with strangers not good. If I can avoid weddings I will. Award giving me, collecting a certificate in front of an audience and the obligatory handshake and fake smile for the camera. I hate it all.

----------


## Jaquaia

I promise that you don't have to wear a dress when I get married, or sit on a table with strangers. Though depends what you class as strange... Suzi and Paula could be classed as very strange!

----------

Paula (25-06-20),Suzi (25-06-20)

----------


## Stella180

It feels good sharing these things here. All the hidden things that stress me out and I felt embarrassed about. I’ll most definitely come to your wedding Jaq cos you’re going down the a different path and it sounds fab. Plus you’re freaking awesome and I’d endure any amount of discomfort to be there for you on your big day.

----------


## Suzi

Awww.. I think you're awesome.

----------


## Stella180

Well that was amusing. Just had a guy offer to give a quote on cleaning my guttering out. After telling me it would be £400 and Includes using special cement on roof tiles and a special coating on guttering which comes with a 10 yr guarantee then says if I need a recommendation to speak to a neighbour in the street that they “have done a lot of work for”. Hmmmm. A service with a 10 yr guarantee but includes plenty of repeat business? Even with a £100 discount I think I’ll pass on that one. Dude really needs to brush up on his salesman skills.

----------


## Paula

£400 for clearing guttering????

----------


## Stella180

Yeah I know. Needless to say I sent him on his way.

----------


## Suzi

Wow, that's not a lot of money at all!

----------


## Stella180

The price wasn’t the part I found funny it was the 10 yr guarantee but still getting repeat business. Some jokers around.

----------


## Suzi

Some people just aren't meant to be salespeople....

----------


## Stella180

Small win for today. Ordered a selection of new bras to try and of the 3 ordered only one I felt comfortable in (as comfortable as you can be anyway. When I checked it turned out to be the cheapest one so Im happy.

----------


## Suzi

YAY! I always love it when that happens!

----------


## Paula

Oh dont! Im currently mid sizes and nothing fits!

----------


## Stella180

Nothing worse. I want to get some new pyjamas but because there is a 2 size difference between top and bottom I have a nightmare. I’ve always been top heavy even as a kid with broad shoulders. Another reason why I hate buying clothes.

----------


## Suzi

I use simplybe because I can buy separates in different sizes...

----------


## Stella180

George at Asda used to do mix and match PJs so I could get difference sizes which is where all my current PJs came from. 

I’ve just put clothes on to go to the shop and instantly it’s too hot. I’ll be stripping back down to my undies when I come back lol

----------


## Suzi

Awesome! Don't blame you! It's far too hot!

----------


## Stella180

Oh gees I feel rough. Suddenly come down with abdominal pain. Feckin IBS no doubt. I’m such a baby when it comes to pain. I just wanna curl up and cry.

----------


## Paula

How are you doing? And its ok to cry....,

----------


## Stella180

Not great at all. It probably gonna be a long night.  :(:

----------


## Paula

Any better?

----------


## Suzi

Oh love!  :Panda:  :(bear):  IBS is horrid! Do you know whether it was triggered by something you ate/drank or stress or just because it fancied it?

----------


## Stella180

Probably the latter. Still painful now. IBS-D is annoying but I’m used to that now but IBS-C is a nightmare. The pain is awful, I can’t even roll over in bed and in extreme cases I can barely stand upright or move at all. It sucks big time. On a scale of 10 (10 being the worst) I’m at a 8.

----------


## Suzi

Can you take anything to help with it? Anything to help the pain?

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Stella180

I have talked some cocodamol but it hasn’t really helped. Today is definitely a day of doing bugger all.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:   :(bear):

----------


## Stella180

Pain has reduced to a much easy 4 so all good here. I now have a fridge full on food which is a relief. Just need to place an order ready delivery next week.

----------


## Paula

Phew, try to take it easy today, please?

----------


## Suzi

Are you going to take it easy?

----------


## Stella180

I am so far today. Talia decided to wake me up at 5.30am because she wanted cuddles and was too lazy to climb up on the bed herself. Steak for dinner today with summer berries and Cornish ice cream for dessert. Something to look forward too. I was gonna start sanding down the bedside cabinets I bought ready to be painted but so many other more important things to be done first.

----------


## Suzi

What kind of things are you going to do instead? Are you going to pace it?

----------


## Paula

Taking care of you is the most important thing

----------


## Stella180

There is tons of stuff around the house that needs to be done.

----------


## Paula

What harm is leaving it tomorrow really going to do? You were ill yesterday and need to rest

----------


## Suzi

As Paula says, why push yourself too much? You've been in pain for a few days, rest, let your body recover and resettle.

----------


## Stella180

Nah it’s fine. I’m coming to the back end of it now, pun intended. I’m not doing anything huge, just cleaning up after the birds, sorted my meds out for the month, took some rubbish out and doing some washing up. Still in a bit of pain but nothing compared to Friday night. I’m usually ok after 48/72 hrs, a bit of light duties won’t kill me.

----------


## Suzi

You still in pain? Do you need to take something or go and see someone?

----------


## Stella180

Nah this is normal. I have Fybogel but I hate taking it.

----------


## Suzi

I understand why, it's horrible!

----------


## Stella180

You know when things are really bad cos I will take it. It’s so horrid I would rather suffer most of the time than pour that stuff down my neck.

----------


## Suzi

Sometimes it's best just to take the yukky meds though....

----------


## Stella180

Gardeners have been this morning and I think I’m going to have to find someone else to do the job. I’m having to pay, 2 people for an hours work and I don’t seem to be getting value for money. Or maybe I’m just having one of those days where everything is a disappointment. I don’t know. I just wanna go and hide under the duvet for the rest of the day.

----------


## Suzi

Are they not working hard enough?

----------


## Stella180

I dunno. I’m not sure some jobs can properly be finished in an hour even with two people doing it and them I have to wait another fortnight for them to come back again. This morning they have cut back 2 bushes and cut the grass front and back. The hedge at the front got left so it with be a month between it being done. Previously I’ve had one guy for 2 hrs and it’s all sorted. They put some paving stabs down last time and they aren’t in the right place and didn’t recess them, just dumped them on top of the grass. Placing 3 slabs on the ground meant they couldn’t cut the grass out the back so that was looking a mess.

----------


## Paula

That does not sound good....

----------


## Suzi

I agree! Is there an agricultural college or something near you who might have students who need a bit of real life experience?

----------


## Stella180

I’ve tried that before but didn’t get far and now isn’t an ideal time to do anything. I wanna start getting some proper work done on making the garden a place I can start enjoying rather than just one more part of my property that needs taming.

----------


## Suzi

I know love, have you thought about asking on a local fb group?

----------


## Stella180

A mate has recommended someone so I’ll give them a shout tomorrow. See how it goes.

----------

Paula (29-06-20)

----------


## Suzi

Awesome!

----------


## Stella180

So today I’ve achieved bugger all. Well I managed to have a long overdue shower this morning and throw on some cheap clothes but that’s it. Indecisiveness has crippled me. Couldn’t decide what to do and as a result I’ve done nothing. I thought about driving over to either Subway or KFC for lunch and I’m still haven’t eaten and am just lay on the bed with a rumbling tummy. Feeling pretty useless right now. 

In other news I got a nice surprise in the post that made me smile. Some people have a natural ability to make you smile.

----------


## Suzi

Glad I made you smile! 
Go, get food  :O:

----------


## Stella180

Dunno what I want.

----------


## Stella180

Popped to Home Bargains to get toilet rolls and cane out with steak, mushrooms and pre packed salad. OMG it was amazing and it really hit the spot.

----------


## Paula

Yum, I had a weightwatchers ready meal ...

----------


## Stella180

Broadband is down. After 35 mins on the phone to Sky the earliest they can send an engineer is 13th July. Not a happy bunny when all of my entertainment and support is pretty much online I’m screwed and not got massive amounts of mobile data. I guess I’ll see you when I see you  :(:

----------


## Suzi

Oh no! Hopefully it's quickly and easily sorted for you love.

----------


## Paula

Can you up your mobile data?

----------


## Stella180

Panic over. Considering they insisted the problem was at my end and needed an engineer, miraculously over night it fixed itself while I was sleeping. Phew, my life would be over without broadband. My life is online.

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad it's fixed!

----------


## Stella180

Managed to take SuperPup far a bit of a wander over the fields earlier. To was full of energy and really excitable. I took her ball launcher with us and she managed to demolish a brand new tennis ball in less than 15 mins. Still didn’t stop her wanting to play. My back was screaming at me all the way home and barely made it to my front door. Both of us are pooped now so we’re having a lie down and chill out.

----------


## Suzi

Be careful with your back, but it's great you both got out and she had such fun!

----------


## Stella180

Kinda neglected this thread for a while. Today I forgot the word door. Didn’t matter how many hand gestures I offered the poor lad was none the wiser about the I was on about. Was kinda embarrassing. 

A couple of the guys from Aspie have tried to get me to go back but I’m really not ready for it yet. I do miss the people there and I will go back eventually but I need to build my social activity up slowly. A lot has changed since before lockdown and I don’t know quite how to explain it but I need to try and get my head around a few things first. 

I’ve made a decision to go out with Talia through the woods tomorrow. It’s been a while since we went over there and she always loves it. I’ve become far too lazy lately and I need to change that. Now I’ve got my back bedroom tidied up I might even drag the rowing machine out and start using that regularly. Exercise is supposed to lift your mood, even if it is short lived but I have to do something to shift this lockdown weight.

----------


## Paula

When the lad hits your advanced years, hell understand  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

I forget words, trains of thoughts, sentences everything all the time...

----------


## Stella180

It was mental. I was trying to explain where I wanted the outside tap to go. The rear access is fully enclosed and wanted it in there so random people couldn’t just wander up the side of the house and fill up as they like. Yep there are some cheeky buggers out there. So I told him I wanted it behind the thing. The brown thing. The ermmm, you know the errr wotsit so people can’t get in, while gesturing the action of how to open and close a door. This kinda thing happens a lot where I forgets words I want to use but I can normally work around it by changing the way I say something but on this occasion I was completely stumped.

----------


## Jaquaia

I always forget words, I use thingy and doodah more times thT I'd like!

----------


## Stella180

I have achieved absolutely nothing today and the reason for it? It’s raining outside. The things I need to do aren’t even outdoor jobs but non the less rain stops play. Am I weird? Actually don’t answer that, I already know the answer.

----------


## Paula

All I want to do is curl up in a ball with chocolate and a book, so I get it

----------


## Stella180

I bought chocolate the other day. I don’t normally bother but every now and again I feel the urge.

----------


## Stella180

I’ve just set foot in my living room for the first time today. Yep, it really has been one of those days. Tonight is definitely a beer and Netflix kinda night. Currently working on some weird concoction for dinner which involves chicken and pasta and while that is cooking I’m hitting the local shop to select my beverage of the evening.

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you're eating! Are you going to pace tomorrow?

----------


## Stella180

I’ve done bugger all today. I just heard from a mate who lost his mum and he’s coming over for a few drinks and a chat tomorrow so looks like my beer drinking is on hold.

----------


## Suzi

That could be a tough day love... Can you put some serious self care in place tonight?

----------


## Stella180

I’ll be fine. There will be beer involved. I just need to be tough around boundaries, that is the hard part. I might need to call in backup for that.

----------


## Paula

Were here, love

----------


## Stella180

Safe to say I won’t be calling you Boss Lady cos you are under orders tomorrow that put YOU first not the forum and it’s members. Promise me you will put yourself first?

----------


## Suzi

Gorgeous lady, hope today is going ok for you x

----------


## Stella180

Subway. Why is it when I have a sandwich from there I still feel I could eat more after a 6in but if I order a footling literally a mouthful into the second half and I’m stuffed. Anyway I’m fed, watered, medicated and getting puppy cuddles while watching wheeler dealers. Watching shows like that makes me miss the days of working in the motor trade, and being part of the classic car community.

----------


## Flo

I should imagine lots of women want to eat after a 6 incher!! :P: 
It's like when you have a chinese and you're hungry an hour later! But you don't see many fat chinese people do you?
Ian loves wheeler dealers but now that Ed has gone he can't get used to the new guy! Ian maintains that the new guy hasn't got that charisma that Ed had.

----------

Suzi (31-08-20)

----------


## Stella180

I agree, Lanky Ed China was ace. He explained things in a more simplistic way, a bit too simple for my liking but for the majority of people it allowed them to understand things better. The new guy skirts over things but looks like he has some skills.

----------


## Paula

Charismatic???? Hes the most boring person on the planet!

----------


## Stella180

Which tells you how good the new guy is when he’s charisma is lacking compared to Ed

----------

Paula (31-08-20)

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## Flo

:(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

Morning love, how are you today?

----------


## Stella180

Fed up! Might just go back to bed. The cleaners didn’t put the Dyson back together properly and when emptying it Good job it wasn’t completely full cos the contents have just ended up all over my floor. This is a two pronged problem. I have to clean up the mess and my chest is now playing up as a result.

----------


## Paula

Hunni, I really think you need to fire them - theres been so many issues.....

----------


## Suzi

I think you need to give them a list of what they can and can't do and what needs to happen....

----------


## Paula

Lol, which shows Suzi has a lot more patience than me  :O:

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  I don't think anyone's ever said that I have more patience than anyone else before!  :(rofl):

----------


## Stella180

This week things seem a bit better. I just need to do my bit and work through some of the drawers to get things organised.

----------


## Suzi

Good for you!

----------


## Stella180

It’s that time of year again. Where kids are lined up for the first day at school pics. I hate it. I hate not being able to share in these proud parents moments  :(:

----------


## Suzi

I'm sorry lovely...

----------


## Stella180

I was expecting the window cleaner today but it has rained all day. Anyway a little earlier I this text saying
“Hi this is Paul window cleaner due to weather we moved windows thank you”. I’ve spent the past two hours trying to find an appropriate response lol

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):   :(rofl):   :(rofl):  I wonder where they've put them?!

----------


## Stella180

Well they were right where I left them when I get home so not sure what’s going on lol

----------


## Suzi

Well who's windows have they moved then?

----------


## Stella180

I really don’t know. I’ve asked for help translating this cryptic grammar free message and no one is exactly sure. Is it missing the word appointment as well as punctuation? Is it a window of time? I wasn’t sure what to except when I get home but all windows appeared to be exactly where I left them which I’m grateful for from both a security standpoint and to keep out the rain.

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

Morning hunni, how are you doing?

----------


## Stella180

Having a lazy morning snuggling with Talia.

----------


## Suzi

Sounds fun! 
How are the birds doing?

----------


## Stella180

Oh they are a pita! They’ve been fighting lately so lost of noise feathers and mess. They are actually sat nicely together at the moment but that could change at any moment.

----------


## Suzi

Lol! 

How's your day been?

----------


## Stella180

Erm, ok I guess. I’m still waiting to here about this boiler grant. They say no news is good news so I suppose the positive is that they haven’t said no yet. I admit I am kinda anxious cos I have a lot of uncertainty at the moment.

----------


## Suzi

You really do and I think anyone would be finding it tough. One thing at a time lovely..

----------


## Stella180

Yeah I get the grant. Why did they have to let me know on a Friday? Now I can’t book anything til next week. Grrr. Oh well. I treated myself to a Ring doorbell today, for the right price of course. I do love my gadgets. I’m also contemplating a new sofa, sideboard and bookcase in the future but need to get the living room decorated first cos it’s a total mess. Need to have a bring a paintbrush party I think for that job. 

See Suzi, I’m thinking about my house and tarting it up and maybe I can start to love it a little more. Non of these plans are going to happen over night but at least I’m thinking about it.

----------

Paula (05-09-20)

----------


## Suzi

I'm proud of you for thinking about it!

----------


## Stella180

I noticed my microwave has started to rust so have ordered a new one. I can’t complain really cos the old one was 6 yrs old and a cheap one my sister bought as a housewarming gift. I’m really splashing the cash today lol

----------

Paula (05-09-20)

----------


## Suzi

Go you!  :):

----------


## Flo

Don't blame you having a bit of a splash...can't take it with us can we?....a girl after my own heart!

----------


## Stella180

I ain’t got much to take when I go anyway so not something I need to worry about. The window cleaner is coming today at some point. I wonder where he’ll move my windows to today?

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  I'm still waiting to find out where he moved them to last time!

----------


## Stella180

So I did a thing today. I filled up the car with fuel for only the second time since I went to Hull in February. That’s not the thing but it had to be done to go give blood. I got there only to realise I was 2 days early. Dog! That’s not the thing either. Oh the way home I took a detour and found myself on the car park of the local carvery place. The idea was to order a takeaway on the app but I decided to be brave and go in to eat. First time of eaten out in 6 months!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Well done. Sounds fab. I love a good carvery!! 
You were really brave..... and hopefully well fed :(clap):

----------


## Suzi

Well done lovely! Hope it was nice!

----------


## Stella180

Very well fed thanks. I used to eat out a lot pre Covid and that was the hardest part of lockdown initially for me. I’m still not a fan of the track and trace but it was good to enjoy a good meal without the cooking or washing up

----------


## Suzi

Sounds lovely!  :):

----------


## Flo

I don't blame you....it's lovely not to have to do washing up.

----------


## Stella180

New microwave is set up, doorbell is set up and on charge. Happy to have had new toys to play with but feeling a bit flat again now. Got a call from a guy at BG who is making plans to get an engineer out to install the new boiler hopefully on Wednesday but needs to confirm first. So tomorrow I have the cleaners coming then later giving blood, and have to get Talia to the vet on Wednesday afternoon too so it’s gonna be hectic.

----------


## Strugglingmum

It's all moving. Scary but one thing at a time. You'll get there

----------

Flo (07-09-20)

----------


## Suzi

SM is right, you've got this! Hooray for hot water!!

----------


## Flo

You've got a lot going on but it's all GOOD! Bet you can't wait for your boiler...we were without last year for nearly 10 days and it's no joke!

----------


## Stella180

In total it’s been a month without hot water. I can’t wait to get it sorted. Then I can get the other guy back to sort out the tap and dishwasher.

----------


## Suzi

It'll be great!

----------


## Stella180

Lots of new stuff but is it really bringing me pleasure? No. And while I’ve been lounging around all afternoon I forgot to go collect my groceries today  :(:  There’s too much going on and I can’t keep up and on top of that I’m feeling a bit lonely. 

As much as I like my life of solitude I’m not feeling so great and would love to just have someone to talk to. To thing Friday I was elated to have gotten the grant and just a couple of days later I’m back down to Earth with a bump. I’ve not eaten properly today which probably hasn’t helped and I was kinda hoping my spending spree would pick me up but it’s all short lived. Had a reminder for my car tax today. Thankfully that’s only £30 for the year so I can live with that bill.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thing is, noone lives on the mountain top all the time. That's not realistic for anyone never mind someone who suffers with depression. 
Loneliness is a real problem however. Have you been in touch with the Aspies guys? What about trying to pick one person each day to phone and talk to? Your plans for a decorating party sound great. How about working towards it by having just a couple of people in for a takeaway or something each weekend. 
Depression will tell you that noone wants to be bothered with you or spend time with you but in reality someone will be delighted to hear from you. Reaching out is really difficult for most people and sometimes it doesn't meet our expectations but it's worth the risk.

----------

Flo (08-09-20),Suzi (08-09-20)

----------


## Suzi

When did you last eat properly - I don't mean just eating food, but thinking about nutritional value too? What about drinking? 
SM is right, what about meeting up with friends etc? Aspies footy?

----------


## Stella180

If it is confirmed for the boiler appointment Wednesday Aspie is out. I have promised myself I’ll go on Saturday.

----------


## Stella180

Can’t remember what time the cleaners are in today. Don’t really care. Feeling crappy and not up to human interaction today.

----------


## Flo

Maybe it's a 12 bore job with the cleaners when they ring the doorbell. But I know what you mean....when you're feeling a bit rubbish it's difficult to raise the enthusiasm to see people isn't it? I think I've had all of 4 hours sleep last night and I feel like a wrung out dish rag! Looks like tv is on the menu!....I shall go and make a cuppa. I hope you feel better later. :(bear):

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):   :(bear):  Can you pace today?

----------


## Stella180

I’m hibernating at the moment. Have called the vet to have Talia’s ready for collection tomorrow and I then I’m giving blood just after 5. With all the strict criteria around donating at the moment I’m not sure I really wanna do it but it’s not about me. Once that’s over it’s a takeaway and and The Boys S2 cos I’ve still not got around to watching it since in dropped on Friday.

----------


## Suzi

You're awesome for donating blood - don't tell me you aren't, because I can't so I think that anyone who can and does are amazing.

----------

Stella180 (09-09-20)

----------


## Stella180

I try to do my bit seeing as I have special blood. It would be selfish to keep it all to myself when so many newborns need it more that I do.

----------


## Suzi

You are amazing.

----------


## Stella180

I’ve treated myself to KFC for dinner and decided to watch the football armed with a couple of bottles of Supermalt instead of beer. Didn’t get the confirmation call about the boiler install tomorrow so don’t know if it is going ahead. So frustrating that it’s taking so long to organise

----------


## Suzi

That is frustrating....

----------


## Strugglingmum

Yum. My son works in KFC, do love it!!
So annoying that they haven't confirmed with you. I hate being left up in the air not knowing what's going on.

----------


## Stella180

I need to go to screwfix in the morning. I ordered the wrong sized pattress boxes. Serves me right for not reading the description properly. I will get these new sockets installed eventually.

----------


## Flo

> I try to do my bit seeing as I have special blood. It would be selfish to keep it all to myself when so many newborns need it more that I do.


I used to give blood..RhO Neg.....but I'm too old now. The kids do though. How annoying the boiler installer hasn't confirmed. It makes it so difficult to organise anything else!

----------


## Suzi

Morning love, how are you today?

----------


## Stella180

Stressed!

----------


## Flo

> Stressed!


 :(bear):  :(bear):

----------


## Suzi

Any news on the boiler?

----------


## Stella180

A 10 minute job turned into almost 2 hours and it’s still not right but I really can’t be bothered to mess around with it any longer. I’ve got another 2 gang socket to fit on the landing but I really cba right now. Drill isn’t charging properly, wire strippers are knackered, Headlamp doesn’t work and I’m fed up.

Having a lie down now to try and build up the mental and physical strength to go drop off my PiP forms. Still not heard back from the GP surgery about my records.

----------


## Suzi

Can you call your GP about the records? Are you able to pace in between errands?

----------


## Stella180

I called them and they said that I need to complete a form. The same form a completed last week in the surgery and handed in straight away but for some reason hasn’t ended up where it needs to be. I’m now waiting for a callback from the surgery in the hope I can get something sorted in time but it’s not looking good.

----------


## Suzi

Oh that's really frustrating!

----------


## Stella180

Talia has been jabbed, and has some new treats for being a good girl. She now has a squeaky cheese burger and some cheese flavoured doggy popcorn. Paperwork is with DIAL ready for the call in the morning. The 2 gang socket is on the living room wall without me blowing anything up and it’s fully operational. Just need to do the one on the landing and then the box room once I’ve got the cable and easy access in the room. Definitely a job for another day. I should really head down to the football later but I’m done for today.

Got confirmation this morning that my boiler will be delivered between 7-10am and the engineer will be here around 8am and should be finished by 4pm. Hallelujah! 

Oooh another win courtesy of BG. Just received an email with a promo code for a free Amazon Echo so I’ve placed my order and that will be with me tomorrow as well. Bonus.

----------


## Suzi

OO awesome!  :):

----------


## Flo

All systems go kid!!! :(y):

----------


## Stella180

Paul, my lovely boiler engineer arrived around 8.15 and the new boiler has just been delivered so we’re all systems go! Just about to call DIAL to go through PiP paperwork as best we can without the records from my GP  :(:

----------


## Suzi

YAY Happy boiler day! 

Hope it goes well with DIAL lovely.

----------


## Stella180

1hr 7 mins later and we’ve done pretty much all we can do. She’s posting the form back to me to fill in the rest. The surgery have missed the point of me requesting my records stating I don’t need them as DWP will contact them for any Additional information. I need them to remind myself of any changes, treatments and dates in order to complete the form in the first bloody place!!! Grrrr, why does it have to be so difficult?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Deep breath!!

----------


## Suzi

You don't have to be accurate, you can put vague years - or go through your posts here - they might have the dates and things on there...

----------


## Stella180

It just annoyed me. It’s not the first time the GP surgery have refused to help or misinterpreted my requirements. As the woman from DIAL pointed out I am well within my rights to access my own person information for any purpose I chose and they have no right to stop me.

----------


## Suzi

Oh I know, mine are the same....

----------


## Strugglingmum

Is the new boiler all finished? Have you hot water???

----------


## Stella180

It’s all finished and shiny new. Not turned a tap on yet, I’m a bit scared. Silly I know but if anything was wrong I don’t think I could handle it, not saying the bloke hasn’t done a proper job and would’ve tested it all before leaving and I know it’s irrational but it’s scary. Hive controls and Echo dot all set up. I really need to have a soak in the bath cos 1. I stink and 2. I’ve waited long enough for that treat, just trying to pluck up the courage to go run it.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Go do it!!! You'll love it..

----------


## Stella180

I’ve bit the bullet and all is good in the world. Currently relaxing in the tub surrounded by bubbles and listening to some tunes.

----------


## Jaquaia

Just remember... no photos this time! Your taps are really shiny!!!  :(giggle):

----------


## Stella180

I’d reserved a really special one just for you bloke cos I know likes a cheeky look  :O:

----------


## Strugglingmum

Sounds bliss

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo!! So glad for you love!

----------


## Flo

Yayyyy! 3 cheers for hot water!!!

----------


## Suzi

How are you today?

----------


## Stella180

Taken a while to get going. I really need to sort out the cables behind the tv cos with extra gadgets I need make room for all the plugs and prioritise which units for used and which don’t. It’s a job I know has to be done but I really don’t want to do it.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Once you get started you'll be ok

----------


## Stella180

Yep starting is always the hardest part of any job lately

----------


## Suzi

Marc's been meaning to do the same job here for over a year......

----------


## Stella180

I did it! Only took me 2 days to build myself up to do it. I’m now left with cables and adapters all over the floor that need putting away so need to think if they’re better used elsewhere first. Brains not fully functional this morning. 

I’m in that awkward situation where I’m hungry and feeling a bit nauseous too. Eating could go either way and another decision to make. I want to go back to bed.

----------


## Suzi

Woohooo! Well done for doing it! 
Eat something light and gentle love..

----------


## Stella180

Cleaning day tomorrow. Not looking forward to that. The place isn’t too bad actually but I’ll probably just hibernate while they’re here.

----------


## Suzi

Have you spoken to them yet about what they are to do and not to do etc?

----------


## Stella180

I’ve not done anything I was supposed to be doing today but I did pop in to Wickes to get some wood for the frame of Talia’s feeding station. Not sure if I bought too much or not enough cos I keep changing my mind as to the best way to do it. Definitely need to get the car emptied out now so I can pick up the sheets of MDF (or hardboard) and then the fun part. Searching online for some Fablon to make it look pretty. Might just skip straight to the window shopping and get a head start lol

----------


## Paula

Ooooooo can I make some suggestions?  :(giggle):

----------


## Stella180

Go ahead mate. I’m not exactly known for my colour coordination

----------


## Suzi

OOO What kind of feeding station are you making?

----------


## Stella180

Nothing fancy, just something to raise the bowls off the floor. Apparently its better for digestion and easier for older dogs too. Its basically a box with the bowls counter sunk. I was thinking about adding a storage drawer or hinge the lid to sore food but I think Ill just keep it simple like this

https://images.app.goo.gl/J9sRjvxr1s8y5HaB9

----------


## Paula

Fablon do a pattern called oriental blossom - with yellow and white flowers but classy, cos its oriental  :O: . But its mostly black, so practical and pretty  :): 

Or they do another one called Sweets. Which is literally a Woolworths pick n mix on vinyl!

----------


## Stella180

Pick n mix? Talia will wanna eat the feeding station if I put that on lol

----------


## Suzi

OO that looks like the kind of thing Marc was talking about building a while ago for Casey... Where's it going?

----------


## Stella180

In the kitchen under the counter.

----------


## Flo

I had one for Penny the greyhound....they have long necks and stooping to the floor can be a strain. Most big dogs find feeding stations like that really good. You're really good at electrics and 'making' aren't you stella? You're a clever old thing!! DIY in my book means Destroy it Yourself! :(giggle):

----------


## Stella180

There is a similar type of thing to what I’m building on eBay for £53! I can make one for about £15/20 depending on which materials I use and I get to feel the accomplishment of building it myself

----------


## Suzi

Good for you! That's brilliant!

----------


## Stella180

Don’t know what hit me this morning but I had a sudden burst of energy and managed to sort my meds, clean the coffee table off, sort recycling and general waste, put away away a load of shopping stuff that was lying around and cook and eat a roast dinner! I genuinely can’t remember the last time I felt this motivated. There is a ton of other stuff that needs doing but I’ve got a mate coming over in a bit to watch the footy. Yes that’s right, not only have I been productive but I’m also doing the social thing and invited someone into my home!!! I had planned for an early night last night but was still wide awake at 3am. Sleep pattern has been all over the place this past week so hoping I can get back on track again soon.

----------

Paula (20-09-20)

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo! That's all so brilliant!

----------


## Stella180

Yep that’s exactly how I felt. It’s so good to feel “normal”. To be able to get stuff done is such a big deal. Seriously it has been soooooo long since I was able to function like a regular adult. It’s easy to blame my lethargy on depression, or my obvious lack of Executive Function for my adulting fails but it’s not until days like this that makes me realise just how much of a struggle life is generally. I find it hard to accept that I find regular life expectations difficult. I mean I am fully aware that I find it hard but accepting my failures is something else and I’ve always fought hard to just achieve the things that everyone else takes for granted. 
myself.

----------


## Paula

How are you this morning?

----------


## Stella180

Tired. my mate ended up staying over last night.

----------


## Suzi

WOW! So much social! All good I hope?

----------


## Stella180

Yeah, there was a lot of football, and a lot of beer. He’s still comatosed upstairs while I’m sat eating cold pizza for breakfast.

----------


## Suzi

Nice!  :):

----------


## Stella180

I’ve found some MJ videos on tv too so all is good in the world

----------

Suzi (21-09-20)

----------


## Suzi

You seem to be in a positive mindset about this?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Sounds like quite a night. Glad you enjoyed it.

----------


## Stella180

Yesterday was a good day. It felt good to function like a regular person, to have someone to watch the games with and talk to about random stuff and have a laugh. He is a bad influence where the drinking is concerned but it’ll soon be sober October so I’ll be taking a break.

----------


## Flo

I'm pleased you had a good day yesterday....doesn't it make a difference when you have company? I don't always want company but I know I need it, and I'm a better person for it. I have to make the effort but try to strike a happy medium.

----------


## Suzi

So glad you got to have some quality social time love.

----------


## Stella180

Oh I forgot to mention while I was a little bit merry on Saturday I may have talked myself into joining a darts team. They are having a practice night tonight so going over to join them. I have no idea who is playing for them, I only have a name of the captain so to say I’m a bit uncomfortable is a massive understatement but I am determined not the bottle out. Supposed to be there for 8pm but I’ve already got my darts out and put my shoes on and ready to leave now. My theory is if I go early I’ll be first on the board and it will be easier then trying to force my way in to the group when they are already there and settled in. Taking my painkillers just in case my shoulder doesn’t hold up. Wish me luck

----------


## Strugglingmum

Enjoy your night.... and well done you. Very brave!!

----------


## Paula

Yay! Thats awesome!

----------


## Stella180

My darts are far from awesome lol. I have had 2 yrs out and no shoulder pain which is a positive. I am feeling a burn and will know about it in the morning but all is good. I just need to work on my release and find my range.

----------


## Suzi

I'm so proud of you!!!!!

----------


## Stella180

I’m home and knackered. Three hours on the board and didn’t win a single leg but I don’t care. I’m just glad I can throw again without pain. The rest will come back in time. I started to feel a bit of a twinge so did the sensible thing and came home early. Took a while due to roadworks. I’ve worked muscles I’ve not used (in that way) for a long time so bound to be a bit stiff for a few days but it was totally worth it. First time I’ve left Talia for more then an hour since lockdown began and she was really pleased to see me when I got back. Early night for me now so I’m ready for tomorrow’s telephone meeting.

----------


## Suzi

That's such a positive post! I'm so pleased for you! 

Hope the appointment goes well today..

----------


## Strugglingmum

So glad you enjoyed it. Good luck for your phone call

----------


## Paula

Huge post!  :):

----------


## Stella180

Seriously it felt great getting back to the game I love after such a long time. This morning I’m not as bad as I expected to be. Bicep is a bit sore it my arm is fully extended, shoulder feels fine but not done much and back and hip isn’t too bad either so I might have gotten away with it. I definitely need to get the doors hung in the house so I can get the dartboard moved and practice at home again.

----------


## Suzi

You really should do that!

----------


## Stella180

Yeah well I’ve I’ve managed to get someone to install my dishwasher and outside tap. It’s costing me parts and a date  :O:  He hangs doors too lol

----------


## Suzi

Woohooo!!! A date?

----------


## Stella180

Yeah. I agreed that if he did the work I’d take him out for dinner as a thank you so he get his way in the end.

----------


## Suzi

Do I ask who?

----------


## Stella180

You can ask lol. How many plumbers can you think of that might want my company as payment  :O:

----------

Paula (24-09-20)

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo!  :):

----------


## Stella180

So I just popped out the Home Bargains and Wickes and when I got back Talia was really excited. You’d think I’d been gone a week not half an hour. I now have the MDF to build the feeding station. If it stops raining for long enough I might get around to cutting it all to size this week. 

Please tell me this isn’t just a “me” thing... When you see/hear/think of something and decide you’d like to learn more so head to Google. Open your browser and promptly forget what it was you wanted to look up. This is the online version of walking into a room and forgetting what you are there for.

----------


## Paula

No, its absolutely no just a you thing. I do that at least once a day!

----------


## Angie

I do that constantly its not just you

----------


## Suzi

I do it too!

----------


## Stella180

I’ve been a good girl so far this year but if anyone would be willing to support me in my Sober October challenge I would be extremely grateful. With 2020 being a pretty tough year people taking part in the challenge have the option of doing 14, 21 or 31 days. Of course anything less than the full month feels like a cheat to me which means no beer at darts, no beer to watch the football and no going out (or staying in) for a beer or two with friends. 

To make a donation simply go to http://www.gosober.org.uk/users/sarah-weston-4

TIA

----------

Paula (05-10-20)

----------


## Suzi

Can you add that link to your signature strip please so I will remember when I next get some money  :O:

----------


## Stella180

I didn’t think of that. Will do.

----------

Suzi (04-10-20)

----------


## Stella180

This time last year I received my ASC Dx. It came is a bit of a shock and I still find it difficult some days to accept it but on the whole I’ve pretty much got my head around it. Everyday I learn something new about myself and having answers to why I’m such a weirdo has definitely helped and meeting others just like me who understand the struggles has been a lifeline. 

There is one person who started me on this journey of self recognised and although I fought them every step of the way and only went along with it to prove them wrong. That didn’t exactly turn out the way I planned. Anyway I big thank you from me to our amazing boss lady Suzi for helping to change my life forever!

----------

Jaquaia (08-10-20),Paula (08-10-20),Suzi (08-10-20)

----------


## Suzi

Aww thank you... But it's all you who has done the hard work to do this. You are amazing.

----------


## Stella180

I’ve reached the halfway point of this years Sober Challenge. This year seems to be going really slow and those 15 days feel more like 50! Still going strong though and I will make it to the end cos this isn’t about me. It’s about all the families devastated by cancer and getting the support they need.

----------

Paula (15-10-20)

----------


## Suzi

You're amazing!

----------


## Stella180

I dunno about that. It’s not like I’m walking 5k on anything. I’m just sat drinking Bovril while watching the darts.

----------


## Suzi

OMG my Dad used to drink bovril!!

----------


## Stella180

Your Dad had great taste in beverages.

----------


## Suzi

My Dad was awesome. Thank you for bringing back some silly memories... Seriously, thank you x

----------


## Stella180

Talia was out a little longer then usual for her last wee of the night last night. I tried calling her but she wouldn’t come. Eventually she come back in with a blooded nose. Clearly there was an intruder of some sort in the garden and she got in a tangle with it. She seems ok this morning so not majorly worried. It’s an excuse for extra cuddles though

----------


## Suzi

Aww, or had she been digging somewhere trying to get out again?

----------


## Jaquaia

That girl knows what side her bread is buttered!

----------


## Stella180

Oh no there was some thing prowling last night was the other dogs in street were acting up. Something has been pooping in my front garden too recently.

----------


## Paula

Aww poor baby  :(:

----------


## Paula

> Oh no there was some thing prowling last night was the other dogs in street were acting up. Something has been pooping in my front garden too recently.


I may have found the answer (https://www.crocus.co.uk/product/_/s...id.2000004185/)

Though you may want to read this first  :(rofl):  (https://www.ft.com/content/dd72394c-...3-9060cb1e5f44)

----------


## Stella180

Oooooh Lion poo! We get a lot of foxes around here. There have even been deer spotted nearby on a housing estate! Hedgehogs, squirrels as well as the local cats. It is a great place for nature.

----------


## Suzi

We have foxes, they jump over next door and get into our garden. It's a nightmare as Crash gets disturbed! Oh and herons. Bloody herons.

----------


## Stella180

The foxes around here are so brazen they casually walk along the middle of the road without a care in the world.

----------


## Paula

To be fair, they were there first  :O:

----------


## Stella180

Oh absolutely. I love it. The joy of living by a nature reserve.

----------


## Suzi

I don't mind them - just wish that if the heron is going to eat my fish, that they actually eat them not just pick at them and cause them suffering...

----------


## Stella180

Suzi I’m laying the blame entirely at your door on this one. 

I’ve spent the morning listening to show tunes and now sitting down to watch Hairspray. I’ve got to admit I’m actually feeling pretty upbeat so far today. Cleaners have been and gone and I’m thinking of ordering something nice to eat for lunch.

----------


## Suzi

Willing to accept the blame completely!

----------


## Stella180

Good cos it’s all your fault lol it’s been a good day. Lots of cuddles from Talia, a take away carvery, and fun music to make me smile.

----------


## Suzi

Fantastic! Glad to have helped!

----------


## Stella180

I’m sorry folks but I have to share this. Easily the strangest job title I’ve ever come across. Watching a bit of Nat Geo. this evening and this guy introduces himself as a “cheetah copulation manager”. Yep you read it right. Could you imagine meeting this guy in a bar and casually ask “so what do you do for a living?” and instantly regret it.

----------


## Flo

:(rofl):  :(rofl): ...so he manages cheetah bonking??......personally, if I was him I'd lie!

----------

Stella180 (06-11-20)

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):   :(rofl):   :(rofl):  That's a hilarious job title! 

How are you doing love?

----------


## Stella180

Trying to organise my notes ready for this afternoon. I don’t know if I wall get much of a chance to state my case entirely but I’m going to give it my best shot.

----------


## Suzi

That's all you can do. With you in spirit.

----------


## Paula

Thinking of you today x

----------


## Stella180

Bed has arrived so need to take that up the stairs in a bit. Talia is being a snuggle pup and the birds are being really noisy so this call is going to be interesting this afternoon.

----------


## Suzi

Can you take the call away from the birds?

----------


## Stella180

I could but I won’t I’ve decided I want to use my desk and I m not moving. They’re resting now so let’s hope they stay quiet for a while. Every time I sit down the dog is there. Maybe she knows I’m a bit edgy and trying to comfort me.

----------


## Jaquaia

She probably is. She really is the most amazing pup

----------

Stella180 (06-11-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hope all goes well.

----------


## Stella180

> She probably is. She really is the most amazing pup


You’re not kidding. Love that girl to bits.

----------


## Suzi

Hope it's going well, I'm thinking of you love

----------


## Angie

Hope it went well, have been and still am thinking about you

----------


## Stella180

Thanks Angie, done what I can, just have to wait for a result.

----------


## Angie

That is all you can do. You have tried and done your best.

----------


## Stella180

Yeah it’s not going to be easy but I have all of you to help me through.

----------


## Suzi

Never a truer word said....

----------


## Angie

You do have us all, as I have previously said I know I don't say alot right now but I do read and I do think about you.

----------

Suzi (07-11-20)

----------


## Paula

> Yeah its not going to be easy but I have all of you to help me through.


With you through it all, hunni

----------


## Stella180

Just off the phone with my sister who asked how it went. She's also a bit worried that a person who has never met or spoken to me, the school counsellor. could be the difference in this case.

----------


## Suzi

Don't automatically think the worst...

----------


## Stella180

It’s hard not to.

----------


## Suzi

I know, but try?

----------


## Stella180

I’m trying. Very trying.

----------


## Mira

I tend to think you are a smart clever woman that knows how the world works. I know how it can be with thinking the worst. But never has it involved something so important. There is nothing you can do right now about it. So keep in mind how much love you have. All of us are rooting for you and we all have our problems. But I never met a group with a better sense of reading people and knowing there heart as the people here on this forum. 

And we all think the world of you!

----------

Paula (08-11-20),Stella180 (07-11-20),Suzi (07-11-20)

----------


## Suzi

He's not wrong you know  :O:

----------


## Stella180

Mira you’re so sweet. Will you marry me? Lol

----------


## Stella180

I’ve spent the morning moving beds and mattresses around again and my home is looking less like a bed warehouse. The beds themselves are light enough but the mattresses are hell to move on your own but it’s done for now. I’ve decided that at some point I want to swap the bed in my room for the one I’ve just put in the spare room cos I think I wanna go back to a divan but that’s a job for another day. Now I’m gonna try and do a bit of reading and chill out. Keeping myself busy may have been good for my mind but not so good for my body.

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you're going to rest a bit love....

----------


## Mira

I dont know if I am marriage materiaal thb.

Hope the rest was good for you.

----------


## Stella180

Awww, I bet you would make someone a lovely husband. I have no doubt. 

I’ve spent most of the afternoon watching football and darts and having a little flutter. At 50p a time I’m never gonna hit a bit win but it’s a bit of fun.

----------


## Suzi

Morning love, how are you today?

----------


## Stella180

Tired. Was still awake at 3,30 am and delivery guy wake me at 8am

----------


## Paula

So what are you planning on doing today. Rest?

----------


## Stella180

Sleep would be nice lol

----------


## Suzi

Why were you awake at 330?

----------


## Stella180

Couldn’t sleep. Of course I’m now knackered. I managed to load the washing machine before coming back to bed. I can barely keep my eyes open now. The headboard for the spare bed arrived this morning but I’m not going to be scrambling around today to fit that. Everything can wait.

----------


## Suzi

Fair enough love, just don't sleep too much now so you don't sleep tonight hunni..

----------


## Stella180

Every time I dosed off someone or something disturbed me so I gave up trying to sleep. It’s meant today has felt like a very long day. Just watching a bit of tv before heading up for a shower and calling it a night.

----------


## Paula

Sounds like a plan. Thanks for your help earlier....

----------


## Stella180

I could be miles off but just an idea. Let me know how you get on.

----------


## Paula

Will do

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like a good plan to get some sleep lovely x

----------


## Stella180

Argh!!! Bloody DWP! Just received a text saying I may need to attend a consultation. So many mixed messages and I don’t know what is going on.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Bugger!!

----------


## Suzi

FFS!!

----------


## Stella180

First I got a letter during lockdown saying award extended to Apr ‘21, then they send me the paperwork to complete which I did and sent off, recently I got another letter stating award extended til Jun ‘21, and today I’m told I’ll need to have a consultation. I genuinely have no clue what the hell is going on anymore.

----------


## Suzi

I don't think they know either right now.

----------


## Strugglingmum

It's like my PIP. Hope it all just settles down. 
If everyone is working from home could be some crossed communication somewhere.  I also think reviews are automatically computer generated so could be that too.

----------


## Paula

You have to be kidding! Give them a call, love, and find out what they actually want from you

----------


## Stella180

Like I don’t have enough going on right now as it is.

----------


## Suzi

I know love....

----------


## Flo

If it's anything to do with the council, it's usually a case of the left hand doesn't know what the right hand's doing! Nothing's ever straightforward is it?

----------


## Stella180

It’s regarding my PiP benefit Flo. I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

----------


## Stella180

I bought a three cheese bloomer from Tesco and OMG it is amazing. I’ll be spoiling myself to another loaf next week.

----------


## Flo

> It’s regarding my PiP benefit Flo. I don’t know if I’m coming or going.


What a bl**dy nuisance!




> I bought a three cheese bloomer from Tesco and OMG it is amazing. I’ll be spoiling myself to another loaf next week.


They're amazing aren't they? Especially with half a pound of butter!!

----------


## Suzi

Morning love, how are you today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> I bought a three cheese bloomer from Tesco and OMG it is amazing. I’ll be spoiling myself to another loaf next week.


Oooo my goodness. Bread.... my total weakness, especially with cheese!!

----------


## Stella180

> Morning love, how are you today?


Not brilliant, however I picked up a sideboard for free on the Nextdoor app and it’s just been delivered. That will give me something to do. I have a plan for what I’m going to do so we’ll see if it works out.

----------


## Suzi

OO you revamping it?

----------


## Stella180

Not getting a revamp now but maybe in the future.

----------


## Suzi

Looks fab!  :):

----------


## Paula

Its lovely!

----------


## Stella180

If a sucker for something for nothing. I just had to pay the delivery guy. The idea is to get rid of the large unit I have it the living room and replace with a smaller side board which I now have, and a display unit and once the huge monstrosity is gone I can think about getting a new suite.

----------

Suzi (13-11-20)

----------


## Suzi

I love that you're working on making your house a home...

----------


## Mira

Your home is your palace. And making sure its the way you want can make it more yours and make it feel good.

Even when I am down but my house is clean and orginized it does not make me happy but it does not add to the stress. (damn my English is bad today haha)

----------

Suzi (14-11-20)

----------


## Stella180

Your English is better than mine dude lol. All the work you put into your house I’d have thought you would love your home. Mine is an absolute tip. It needs completely redecorating and it’s a lot of work which I don’t have the money or the ability to get it done. I have doors that need replacing and all sorts of stuff.

----------


## Mira

Thanks  :): 

I do love my home. But a lot of times it can bring more stress. But if its not that its something else. 

Just start with small things. We all can do way more then we think. And a tip? That I dont believe.

----------


## Stella180

All I’d eaten all day was a slice of bread so I’ve ordered myself a curry as a treat tonight and I’m struggling to eat it. Clearly today is a poor appetite day. Oh well, Mandalorian and Discovery and then bed.

----------


## Angie

Even eating a bit is better than none xx

----------


## Suzi

How are you today love?

----------


## Stella180

Ok I suppose. Enjoying lots and lots of puppy cuddles with Talia. She really does love to snuggle.

----------


## Flo

Can't think of anything nicer that snuggling up with the dog especially if your weather is the same as ours!

----------


## Stella180

Yeah it’s a bit miserable out there.

----------


## Paula

Eating, drinking, meds?

----------


## Stella180

Meds yes, drinking a little, not eaten yet.

----------


## Paula

Are you going to get on top of that now?

----------


## Suzi

Have you eaten yet? Had another drink yet?

----------


## Stella180

Yes mum. Have had a sandwich

----------


## Suzi

Good. What'cha doing this afternoon?

----------


## Stella180

Watching rugby.

----------


## Suzi

OO Enjoy...

----------


## Stella180

Just finished watching The Queen’s Gambit on Netflix. I’m not into chess but I was by the end of the season. Totally recommend it to everyone fantastic story.

----------


## Suzi

OO I'll add it to my "to watch" list. I'm currently loving New Amsterdam.

----------


## Flo

> Just finished watching The Queen’s Gambit on Netflix. I’m not into chess but I was by the end of the season. Totally recommend it to everyone fantastic story.


How much does it cost a month to have Netflix? I love watching films....

----------


## Stella180

If you add it to your sky bill it works out cheaper. I pay an extra £4 a month.

----------


## Mira

one euro is 0.90 pound and I pay 14,99 a month  :(y):

----------


## Angie

I have netflix so that two people can sign in at the same time and it was cheaper to put it in my sky aswell.

----------


## Strugglingmum

My son has a Netflix account.  I leech off his :(blush):

----------


## Flo

> If you add it to your sky bill it works out cheaper. I pay an extra £4 a month.


Thanks matey! I'll get onto it.

----------


## Jaquaia

> My son has a Netflix account.  I leech off his


I use my brothers  :(giggle):

----------


## Stella180

Looks like Lois and Clark will be leaving me tomorrow. Someone is coming to pick them up tomorrow afternoon. I’m feeling kinda sad but relieved at the same time. They do make quite a mess and when they want to, the noise it a bit much for me. I’ve only had them for 10 months and feel bad about letting them go but I only took them on as a favour to a friend and I’d rather they were with someone who could fully enjoy them.

----------


## Paula

Youre doing the right thing, for them and you

----------


## Flo

You're definitely doing the right thing....I've had birds in the past and they are quite high maintenance..especially the amount of 'dirt' they make and also the noise when they get going! The shrilling used to go right through my head and they always started when you were sitting down in the evening to relax and watch tele!! It's better for you and them if they're maybe with other birds. I certainly wouldn't feel guilty about it.

----------


## Suzi

I agree, definitely the right thing for all of you. I know it's something you've been thinking about for a while too...

----------


## Stella180

I know it’s the right thing but feel like I’m letting my mate down. Me putting me first again which never goes down well with others. We’ve not spoken in a while and when we did I offered him the chance to take them back and he refused.

----------


## Suzi

Definitely not letting anyone down. Keeping them and not giving them enough attention or enough food/water or growing to resent them would be.... It's not you putting you first, it's you putting you, Lois and Clark first....

----------


## Stella180

The cleaners will be happy that’s for sure lol

----------


## Strugglingmum

Absolutely the right decision.  Someone will really enjoy having them.

----------


## Suzi

How are things with your cleaners?

----------


## Stella180

Still have to play hide and seek but it’s getting better. Apart from that the one has said if I ever need anything to give her a call and the other is Talia’s new best friend and has said if I’m ever stuck and need someone to have her she’s more than happy to doggy sit. Oh and apparently I’m their favourite customer lol

----------


## Suzi

Aww that's awesome. Have you told them about issues around moving things etc?

----------


## Stella180

What do you think? Lol, of course I haven’t. Amazing how someone as out spoken as me is to chicken when it comes to keeping my cleaners in order.

----------


## Suzi

Why not send them a text? Do they know about the ASD diagnosis? Could that help you to explain it?

----------


## Stella180

Yes they know about my specialness but don’t think they fully understand what that mean for me and tbh I don’t want to explain it. I’m not close enough to them to have that conversation and feel comfortable. I know what you’re going to say and I know already but I feel vulnerable enough having people in my home without pointing out my idiosyncrasies and have to deal with the strange looks that come as a result.

----------


## Stella180

Spent the evening watching darts instead of cleaning the bird cage out so looks like that’s my first job of the morning. It was really nice tonight to have a few members around on the forum at the same time to have a bit of a chat with. I enjoyed it. Maybe we could set aside some time where we can all try to get online together on a regular basis? That would be cool.

----------


## Suzi

> Yes they know about my specialness but don’t think they fully understand what that mean for me and tbh I don’t want to explain it. I’m not close enough to them to have that conversation and feel comfortable. I know what you’re going to say and I know already but I feel vulnerable enough having people in my home without pointing out my idiosyncrasies and have to deal with the strange looks that come as a result.


I don't know what you thought I was going to say, but you're already doing brilliantly by allowing them in, so baby steps is great after you've made this huge leap. 




> Spent the evening watching darts instead of cleaning the bird cage out so looks like that’s my first job of the morning. It was really nice tonight to have a few members around on the forum at the same time to have a bit of a chat with. I enjoyed it. Maybe we could set aside some time where we can all try to get online together on a regular basis? That would be cool.


It would be... Definitely something to think about.. 
Did you get them cleaned out in the end? What time are they off? 

How are you today?

----------


## Stella180

Just cleaning them out now The guy is coming around lunchtime I feel kinda sad that they are going even though they are a pita but it’s one less stress for me. I’m letting them go for free but put up an ad stating a £10 cos it stops people from just taking them when they don’t really want then, and is covers the cost of the food, which there is a lot of, so the new owner gets a bargain. The cage and birds and accessories are all worth about £100 but the birds cost me nothing so not going to profit off them.

----------


## Suzi

I'm sorry that you're feeling sad love.  :(bear):

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Strugglingmum

Of course you'll miss them and it's ok to be sad about it but there will be a sense of relief after as well.  :(bear):

----------


## Stella180

I may as well admit something now as Flo has stated something similar. When they chirp quite contented it it such a soothing sound but then the high pitched sounds they make drives me insane. It literally goes right through me and really puts me on edge so that is something I won’t miss. Lois is a diva but Clark is such a pretty boy, they certainly do have different characters and I’m going to miss them but they have to go. 

I’ve ordered a now storage folder and metallic shims so I can sort out my dies for the card making. I know I’m weird but I try to keep everything in the original retail packaging and I’m reluctant to throw it away but by sorting out alternative storage it will be easier to organise and take up less space. Another step out of my comfort zone but a necessary one. I’m having to make a lot of changes lately and although they are small ones in general they are a big deal to me. I’ve needed to do a lot of these things for a long time but I needed to prepare myself for it. Sometimes that takes a few minutes or hours, other times it can take weeks or months and some cases even years. Of course I always put it down to being lazy or incapable but I guess I’m finally accepting my differences and just cos I can’t always work to everyone else’s schedule doesn’t mean I’m not competent.

----------


## Paula

Why would you think that was something you couldnt admit to? The noise would do my head in too

----------


## Suzi

It would do my head in too! 

I think you're really awesome by pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and making these changes... I'm so proud of you.

----------


## Stella180

It’s all a load of small stuff right now but they all add up. 

The guy has just picked up the birds. He recently lost his bird so the timing was right as he was looking for some new companions. He’s got a bargain and I’ve got a slightly easier life without them. Settling down to watch the darts with a can of beer now and find something nice for lunch

----------


## Suzi

Enjoy the darts love.

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## Stella180

Popped to Tesco for some munchies and drinks for the darts/football tonight. That’s as naughty as it gets really cos I bought a salad pot, strawberries raspberries blueberries and grapes, a four pack of cider and bottle of wine, both alcohol free. I sure know how to party lol.

----------


## Suzi

Sounds lovely!  :(rofl):   :(rofl):

----------


## Stella180

England 2-0 up against Iceland and Wales a goal up with Finland a man down. It’s looking good for promotion to place with the big boys.

----------

Suzi (18-11-20)

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## Stella180

Wales win 3-1 and England 4-0. Great result for the Welsh team and nice to see England knocking a few in the net again. Tomorrow night I’m torn between watching the darts or Rugby Super League Semi Final. A few fat dudes chucking mini spears at a stationary target or a bunch of northerners battering the crap out of each other other an odd shaped ball?

----------


## Suzi

Lol, you'll have to start a sports thread to post all this in... 

How are you today?

----------


## Jaquaia

Oi! It's a proper game is rugby league!!!

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## Stella180

You gonna be cheering your boys on tonight Jaq? I’ll be watching proper rugby at the weekend lol

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## Stella180

> Lol, you'll have to start a sports thread to post all this in... 
> 
> How are you today?


Thats an idea. Not sure many other folk would be interested though.

Today I want to put a tv bracket on the wall but my anxiety is saying no. I just need to put 3 holes in the wall but my head is telling me dont do it, youll mess it up, pay someone to come and do it for you. So Ive decided to ring around a few local handyman services for quotes cos cba to fight this battle today.

----------


## Jaquaia

> You gonna be cheering your boys on tonight Jaq? I’ll be watching proper rugby at the weekend lol


Don't have sky or I would!!!

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## Stella180

Didn’t I give you my Sky Go details?

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## Jaquaia

Oooh!!! I forgot about that!!!

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## Suzi

Did you get someone to put the bracket up? 
I think the sports thread would get quite a lot of posts. If it took off I could even create a new section within fun and games, just for sports related ones. We have lots of members who like lots of different sports, so it could be interesting. Obviously I can't see me posting in it much lol

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## Stella180

I’ll think about a sports thread. 

Yes, I got a guy in to put the bracket up for me and after he left I noticed it wasn’t level. He even managed to put a hole right through my wall! Not a very happy bunny right now but not get the mental energy to complain. Gonna have to build myself up to text him later. I’ve come up to bed to take my meds and get some puppy cuddles so I don’t have to look at it.

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## Suzi

Can you do something nice for you this afternoon love? Definitely let him know that the job isn't good....

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## Stella180

I’ve come and taken a look and it appears that it’s the bracket itself that the issue. I might be able to sort it myself. First I need to sort out the Hive controller power lead.

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## Suzi

So not rubbish workmanship?

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## Stella180

I’ve seen better jobs. He put the drill all the way through my wall so I have a hole the other side in the hallway. I just wanted it done and now it is.

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## Suzi

But you've paid to have it done properly and it hasn't been.....

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## Stella180

It’s really not worth it. Trying to decide what to have for dinner so for I’m thinking fish and chips or Chinese.

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## Suzi

But it is worth it. You deserve to have had the job done properly.....
What have you decided on for dinner?

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## Strugglingmum

Its chinese here...... waiting patiently for it to arrive....who am I kidding I'm ready to rip into the bag as soon as my soon walks through the door with it!! :(rofl):  starving!!

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## Suzi

Was it good? We had chilli  :O:

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## Stella180

Ordered fish and chips and had to wait almost 2 hrs for it!!! Both me and the pooch are well fed. I’m not great tonight so gonna leave the darts and go to bed.

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## Suzi

2 hours? Wow!

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## Stella180

Normally I pride myself on my gift buying, it’s not always orthodox but plenty of thought goes into it. This year is an exception. I don’t have the mental capacity to think about gifts. Normally I start my Christmas shopping around September and just get a gift every fortnight so by the time Christmas comes every thing is bought wrapped and ready to go without any stress. Last night I started looking for stuff for the grown-up family members. There is a total lack of imagination in my choices and for once I don’t care. They can think themselves lucky they have anything. Friends will have to take a back seat unfortunately cos really can’t do it this year.

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## Angie

You do what you can and it doesnt matter if it is a penny chew its the thought that counts

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## Paula

Youve got way more important things to think about, lovely. And if anyone doesnt get that, stuff them

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## Suzi

Anyone who matters will more than understand and who minds doesn't matter! Right now the best you can do for anyone is to focus on you and yours....

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## Stella180

You are all right of course. I’ve found a couple of bits and pieces for my little man’s birthday which is just a couple of weeks away. Not sure what is going to happen, but I intend to deliver his presents just as I have done previously. I’m trying to prepare myself for disappointment.

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## Suzi

Glad you've got some bits sorted. I don't see why you shouldn't deliver his presents...

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## Stella180

I’m almost expecting them not to answer the door and if they do answer it seems a sure bet that they won’t let me give him the presents myself.

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## Suzi

Wait and see love...

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## Stella180

Didn’t get I wink of sleep all night. Just been lay in bed playing crazy games on my phone and getting up to go to the toilet half a dozen times. I had a ton of things I wanted to do today but look like it’s gonna have to wait until tomorrow l.

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## Suzi

What was causing the not sleeping?

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## Paula

> What was causing the not sleeping?


Could the playing crazy games have contributed?

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## Stella180

It usually sends me to sleep. My guts are acting up a bit which certainly doesn’t help but it’s not too bad. Every now and then I have a rough night where the meds don’t touch me.

I’ve got a bloke coming from a local charity to pick up a couple of furniture items. I was hoping they would take the single bed but apparently they have loads to get rid of already So looks like that will be going to the tip instead.

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## Suzi

Issues with your tummy is likely to be stress, unless you've eaten something which didn't agree with you? 
WRT the bed, could you list it on a fb free group?

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## Stella180

I have but no takers.

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## Suzi

That's annoying... Are you going to get help to take it away?

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## Stella180

Yeah but it means paying for it. That’s why I’d rather someone made good use of it.

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## Suzi

It's a pita...

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## Stella180

OMG! Grogu. If you know, you know. I will say no more. 

One more week of uncertainty and then I will learn my fate. I can last 7 more days right? My baby turns 13 in less than a fortnight and I can’t make any plans yet if I get a chance to make any plans at all. Those who know me, will know I like to be well prepared for all eventualities so 7 days of uncertainty where I have to sit on my hands is hell for me. Any tips on how to keep my mind off the things I can’t control and redirect to things I can?

----------


## Suzi

We're going to watch it later! 

What about card making? Bracelet making? Learn to cook lol? What about guitar playing? Gaming? Go for a walk?

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## Mira

I know what you mean. Uncertain time are bad for most people but for me they can truly be a living hell so I think I know what you are going through.

Something that helps me is doing research. I pick something I like to do and try to improve in it. By surfing the internet or watching youtube about it. 

It can be about any hobby or sport or anything. I know of a few diy cleaning products because of it haha. 

I mostly do it with gaming or lately with writing. It makes the time go so much faster for me. I do this with a lot of my free time.

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Suzi (28-11-20)

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## Stella180

Sleeping seems to be my go to thing at the moment. Second day spent in bed cuddled up with Talia. At least while I’m sleeping I’m not thinking.

----------


## Suzi

But is it actually helping?

----------


## Stella180

I just want the next week to go by as quickly as possible. Currently sat watching An American in Paris.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:   :Panda:

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## Stella180

I went to Tesco earlier for a couple of bits and pieces and picked up a chicken off the hot deli counter so me and the snuggle pup have pretty much demolished that with some bread and butter. Really enjoyed that. I’ve got myself some alcohol free beer to watch the Tottenham game.

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Suzi (29-11-20)

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## Suzi

Glad you've eaten. 
How are you doing love?

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## Stella180

Ask me again Friday evening.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Here for you love.

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## Stella180

Crawled out of bed at 10 and I’ve done the washing up from the weekend, cleaned the microwave out, wiped down the surfaces and taken out the rubbish and recycling. Most productive 50 mins of my life lol. Normally it takes me an hour on two just to work myself up to doing it and they the job takes forever. I’m actually quite proud of myself. Today is obviously one of my good days so going to use this energy to sort through some of my craft stuff and maybe make a card for my baby boys birthday. In just over a week I will be the mother of 2 teenagers, by title anyway.

----------


## Suzi

Well done for doing all those bits. That's really awesome.

----------


## Paula

I know you wont believe me, but you really are doing brilliantly, considering the stress youre under

----------


## Stella180

Well I’m still going if that’s what you mean. I’m desperate to know the outcome but terrified of it too. I’m desperate for someone to join me in my corner for a change and fight with me and I’m hoping that the author of this report will be that person. Of course there is also a strong possibility that it will go against me as all others have and I really don’t know how I will get past that. Trying not to think about it right now.

----------


## Suzi

Can you try to keep your focus on the stuff today, one task at a time?

----------


## Stella180

Managed to do a load of washing. Gonna grab some lunch and watch tv for a bit. Cleaners are coming tomorrow so need to leave something for them to do lol

----------


## Paula

Are you up to taking Talia for a long walk tomorrow?

----------


## Stella180

See what the weather is like. I’ve got my AirPods charged up so just need to think of somewhere to go. If not tomorrow then certainly one day this week. I could do with the exercise myself.

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like a good thing for both of you - blow away the cobwebs and such like...

----------


## Stella180

I had a rough night last night. According to my Apple Watch I managed 3hrs 52mins sleep. Cleaners have been and gone. One of the regulars had car trouble so had a new person for the day without warning so had to try and play it cool like it was fine. I’m trying to sort my craft corner out and have ordered more folders and magnetic sheets for the die storage and organised 3 of the drawers in one of the units and labelled them. I’ve just taken my meds and they KO me most of the time so I’ve decided to come to bed and hopefully doze off.

----------


## Suzi

You've done brilliantly love. Well done.

----------


## Stella180

I went out this morning to buy an A4 picture frame. I came back with AA batteries, dog food, chestnuts, milk and Talia’s Christmas presents. I even popped in to get a haircut but I still don’t have the frame. Couldn’t find it size I wanted anywhere so ordering online now. I have a very snuggly puppy here this afternoon so looks like I’m cuddling up with her this afternoon. Trying to remain calm ahead of the potentially life changing email.

----------


## Paula

I think puppy cuddles are exactly what you need today  :(bear):

----------


## Suzi

Well done love

----------


## Flo

I think you're doing great!

----------


## Stella180

Doing great? Yeah I really wouldn’t go that far especially not today. Really not in a good place.

----------


## Angie

It is understandable that your are not feeling great right now and it is totally understandable that your not in a great place, but you are doing great in how you are dealing with things.

----------

Suzi (03-12-20)

----------


## Suzi

Ange is right love.... Have you written your list?

----------


## Paula

I agree. 2 years ago youd have had a meltdown and stopped talking to us. Today, you are hurt, devastated and angry, but you are still talking and, importantly, you are hearing us. And right now Im sending you all my love and hugs, as well as all my respect for how youve handled every moment of this immensely tough process youve been dealing with  :Panda:

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Angie (03-12-20),Flo (03-12-20),Suzi (03-12-20)

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## Stella180

Believe me Paula it wasn’t pretty last night and today I’m just exhausted. Yet again I failed to get the backing I needed. I spoke to the solicitor, who kept calling me hun which was just weird and he said get the report and then challenge it where possible but now I’m torn. My baby is hurting and I want to be able to help him but I don’t want to make things harder for him. I am going to get it written into the order that I get all relevant information direct from source, eg school, gp, psych etc so I am kept up to date with his progress. She did say last night that maybe I could start writing to him and again the courts can request that he is showed all correspondence. Than sounds like the perfect way for them to keep tabs on everything said to him so again I will be under the microscope but I have nothing to hide cos I’ve never said anything that wasn’t true. I’m not like them but it’s frustrating that I can’t have any privacy with my own kids. I told you my boys would be the next generation of DWDers thanks to me screwing up their lives. I called that one a long time ago and here we are. This pain hurts more than anything I’ve ever had to deal with, it’s like someone has ripped out my heart and stamped all over it. My past keeps coming back to haunt me and no matter what I try to do to better myself it will never be enough and I will always be that terrible mum in the eyes of the authorities. That’s not me being defeatist, it’s the bloody truth.

----------


## Suzi

Writing sounds like a good start and you can then prove what you said and how often you contact him - esp if you send it recorded/tracked delivery....
I'm glad you spoke to your solicitor and that he's going to challenge things said in the report. 

Have you eaten? Drink? Meds?

----------


## Stella180

Meds yes, drink yes, food does chocolate count?

----------


## Suzi

It does, but it'd be good if you ate something properly too...

----------


## Stella180

I’ve had some salad and a yoghurt

----------


## Suzi

Hey love, how are you today?

----------


## Paula

Hi sweetie, youve been on my mind all night. How are you feeling this morning?

----------


## Stella180

I’m not exactly at my best.

----------


## Paula

No, not surprising  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Did you manage to get that list into the solicitor?

----------


## Stella180

I’ve already told you that we have to wait for the report next Wednesday

----------


## Paula

Hunni, not even Suzi can retain all the info she has swirling around in her brain......

What are you doing this afternoon? Haven you eaten and medicated today?

----------

Strugglingmum (04-12-20),Suzi (04-12-20)

----------


## Stella180

I’ve taken my meds and had a few biscuits. I’m sorry for snapping. I’m really struggling at the minute, my head hurts and I’m not feeling very sociable.

----------


## Suzi

It's fine. I'm trying to keep up with everything for so many people. I'm sorry I missed it. 
Will you eat something better than just biscuits?

----------


## Knowle

Sorry that you are not feeling the best today Stella - I hope things improve for you soon.

----------


## Stella180

> Will you eat something better than just biscuits?


I dragged myself over to the local chippy. Could only eat half of it. Been in bed the rest of the night.

----------


## Suzi

Well done for eating something love.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

How are you this morning?

----------


## Stella180

Not good. Thankfully Talia was there for puppy cuddles after a day dream last night. It’s getting to the point where so don’t even know what day it is.

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni, can you call anyone for support today?

----------


## Stella180

Not really. I did get a call from one of the Aspie lads to check in which was nice so we talked Mandalorian and Discovery and the changes they have made at Aspie. Sounds like they’ve had a major sort out and utilised the space upstairs. I’m not really missing the drama that comes with that place.

----------


## Paula

What can I do, right now, to help?

----------


## Stella180

Like what? There’s nothing anyone can do. I’m just snuggling with Talia watching Nat Geo documentaries.

----------


## Mira

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Have you thought about going back to Aspie?

----------


## Stella180

Nope. Not at all.

----------


## Suzi

Why not?

----------


## Stella180

Cos I’m not interested.

----------


## Paula

Is that because how,youre doing now or was this a decision you made before?

----------


## Suzi

But I thought you'd made friends there?

----------


## Stella180

It was a decision I made before, and it will just be awkward now with two of what I thought were my closest friends and I really can’t deal with them on top of everything else I’ve got going on and tbh with all that has happened this week I don’t know if I can face anyone.

----------


## Suzi

Give yourself time, never say never and all that...

----------


## Stella180

This is going to sound like a really simple thing but this evening I cooked myself spaghetti bolognese, something I love and hardly a culinary challenge but it’s the first time in I don’t know how long that I have prepped and cooked a meal for myself. I’ve been living off ready meals and takeaways for so long I forgot what real food tasted like. Really proud of myself.

----------

Paula (06-12-20),Suzi (06-12-20)

----------


## Knowle

> This is going to sound like a really simple thing but this evening I cooked myself spaghetti bolognese, something I love and hardly a culinary challenge but it’s the first time in I don’t know how long that I have prepped and cooked a meal for myself. I’ve been living off ready meals and takeaways for so long I forgot what real food tasted like. Really proud of myself.


Well done and good for you for making yourself something that you really love. A good meal is one of life's most simple but best pleasures.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Sounds lovely. Well done you.

----------


## Mira

I agree. We should not take these things for granted. I know from experience that when you live by yourself its already a bit harder to prepare a meal. Since its just me. And then to add how we all feel. That makes it even harder. So I agree, good job and I hope you enjoyed.

----------

Suzi (06-12-20)

----------


## Paula

Well done, love  :):

----------


## Stella180

> I agree. We should not take these things for granted. I know from experience that when you live by yourself its already a bit harder to prepare a meal. Since its just me. And then to add how we all feel. That makes it even harder. So I agree, good job and I hope you enjoyed.


You are absolutely stop on. When its only you it hardly feels worth the effort and when you feel low that effort could be put to use elsewhere cos there is always a shortfall in other areas of your life. I really enjoyed it. One of my favourite meals but Ive not had it for months. Felt like a real treat.

----------

Paula (06-12-20),Suzi (06-12-20)

----------


## Suzi

I'm proud of you! 


Hey, this thread is 150 pages long! Overdue for a new one I think!

----------


## Stella180

How the heck did that happen? Be good to end it on a positive note.

----------


## Flo

Yummmm...spag. bol is my favourite! It's got a rich deep flavour and is my idea of comfort food...in fact you've given me an idea, I'll put mince on the shopping list, make a lot of the sauce and freeze some of it! Thanks for that.

----------


## Suzi

Thanks for your new thread. I'll close this one now.

----------

