# Help and Advice > Related Illness/medication/alternatives >  Making / maintaining friendships

## rose

This topic seems to be coming up quite a bit in other threads so I wondered if we could perhaps share some pearls of wisdom about making and maintaining friendships.

For those who have lots of friends, how did you meet your friends? Are they people you have known forever, or people you met recently? How much work does it take to maintain those friendships?

For those who have just a handful of friends.... is this because you find it hard to make friends with new people, do you find it hard to connect with people?

For those with no/few friends..... what can you do to make new friendships?

I'll share my experiences in a bit, but I just wanted to get the thread going.....

----------

magie06 (18-01-16)

----------


## Paula

I have my 3 best friends, 2 of which I've known most of my life and 1 I met at my daughter's preschool.  These 3 mean the world to me and I'd trust with my children's life. 1 is a teacher (head of dept), guiding leader and has 2 kids, on of which is on the ASD, so she's pretty busy and I don't get to see her as much as I'd like. The other 2 I see a couple of times a week and talk to everyday.  The friend I met 11 years ago, I saw in the queue waiting to pick up our kids and she looked so shy, I thought I'd introduce myself. We've been through so much together, and she's the one person, other than my mum, that hubby trusts to look after me when I'm ill.

Other friends I've met through church, through the school run, through other friends etc. I've always found it easy to talk to people and maintaining friendships is vital to me to maintain my mental health. So I spend time with them - I contact them as often as I can, as much as I'm well enough to - though they're pretty good at calling me if I go quiet as they know that means I'm not too good.

----------

OldMike (18-01-16)

----------


## OldMike

Sadly this is all too easy for me to answer, in a nutshell I've no friends, never had any at school or work and can't honestly see me having any friends at all (in real life).

While when I was younger this didn't seem to matter, I just lived in my ivory tower and life just passed me by, only now do I realise how much I've missed out on in life.

In my 40's I did start to go to singles clubs but got absolutely nowhere which made me feel so pathetic and that was a major part in me having a breakdown in my mid 40's (I'd probably be about 44 but that seems a lifetime ago).

End of last year I started to go to the over 60's luncheon club which is good.

About 2 weeks ago started to go to a bridge club (boy is the bidding process in that game totally confusing) at present seeing how that goes.

----------


## Suzi

Mike, your post is so sad. I wish you lived nearer. I know it's not the same, but I'd like to be a friend - if you'd have me? 

It's quite a joke actually that I'll speak to anyone - a trait I inherited from my Dad who was about the most awesome person to ever have lived esp when it came to being social! He was loud, he was "in your face" and the headmistress and deputy of my very well to do private girls school had never met anyone like my Dad. He'd talk to anyone, believe that he was no better or worse than anyone else and he had a really strong faith. He very proudly went up to my head teacher grasping her in a very tight bear hug with "Alright my love?" and then proceeded to take over the duty of traffic duty and had great pleasure in doing it whilst all the Lords and Ladies, Aston Martin, Merc etc were directed by him. My Mum hated it! 
Sorry, I digress! 
I will talk to anyone, I don't have a great deal of friends - and most of the ones I have as my close friends I met online! My best friend who I can call any time of any day I met online and she lives in Wales. I love her to bits. She has depression and doesn't think highly of herself at all, but she should because she's amazing. I know that any time I need her, she'll be here. The same with when our middle one went on a school residential in Wales she was put down as one of her emergency contacts because I know that she'd treat my babies the same way I would. I've had her daughter to stay and she's just like her Mum which is nothing short of the best compliment in the world. Our friendship started by me being a bossy so and so and checking up on her that she'd taken her meds lol 
I have other people who I went to school with, but I'm a very different person than who I was then.. 
Others I've made as friends/acquaintances through school runs, playgroups etc...

----------

OldMike (18-01-16)

----------


## Paula

Just wanted to add, if it's feels like work, it's not a healthy friendship imho

----------

OldMike (18-01-16)

----------


## OldMike

When you see it written down it does hurt that you are so alone, it never used to but seems to do now. I'd like you as a friend too Suzi, thanks (feeling a bit emotional now).

----------

Suzi (19-01-16)

----------


## Nita

My friends have mostly come through work places where I have clicked with people and maintained the friendships after moving on.  I also have met some people via SPICE as well

----------


## magie06

My best friend is my friend since we were in school. (And that's going back) She's the one at the end of the telephone when I need her and since our mutual friend died of breast cancer, she's been the best. We know each other's family (who I still call Mr. and Mrs.) and we can tell each other anything. She's been there for me when I had my back surgeries, and I was there when she had her surgery. I've meet other friends at mother and toddlers group that I used to bring Aisling too. Now I've made friends through waiting at the school gate and waiting for Aisling to come out of Beaver Scouts. I've friends at the day centre, and I've friends at my computer class. And I have all my friends here, different kind of friends, but friends none the less.  

I think it was easier to make friends when I was younger, but that doesn't mean that I haven't made friends since. People come and go in your life and you make adjustments to suit. I have more friends now than I ever had, and I love the fact that I have different friends in different areas of my life.

----------

OldMike (18-01-16)

----------


## OldMike

Just Googled SPICE and found this:-

SPICE - a social club for you to meet people and make new friends....

~ Have you ever thought, “I‘d love to do that, but I just don't know where to start”?
~ Do you want a new social life rather than just going to the pub, doing the DIY or watching TV?
~ Are you new to the area? Do you want to go out and not talk about work?
~ Have your friends settled into a life of “boring” domesticity whilst you want to go out and do something totally amazing?
~ Do you want to go into work on Monday morning with the details of your latest crazy adventure?
~ Do you want an instant social circle of like-minded fun loving up-for-it people?
~ Would you like an unbelievable “hobbies” section on your CV?

This is far too adventurous for me, I just want to chat to people not go off on some madcap adventure.

----------


## Nita

I used to be in SPICE mike so know what its all about lol!!!

----------


## rose

I had loads of friends at school. I had an awesome best friend throughout secondary school and other very close friends too. I was in a big group of friends, and a smaller group of friends. Sometimes I sat with totally different groups at lunch. I must have the whole school year on my facebook....

But then what happened? Go forward 20 years and I don't really have anyone. I think I pushed everyone away. I lost touch with my big group of friends and fell out with my smaller group of friends. Me and my best friend just stopped talking... maybe we outgrew each other. I stopped answering texts or going to things I was invited to, I don't know why. I was always too tired. I found it hard to make new friends, people who I thought were friends from my old workplace I see on facebook, they all go to each other's hen nights and weddings and stuff... was I just missed off the email or something? I don't know.

I've become isolated. And what with 2016 being the year of doing new stuff I took a massive leap and I reached out to some old friends who messaged me for my birthday on Facebook. One has come back saying let's meet in March which is awesome, and she is in touch with two other people who will come along too, they are all from the big group of friends I had at school. I have pushed OH to stay in touch with his friends and make plans that I can be involved in so I can get to know his friends and their partners. Its actually a real challenge trying to make friends at this age but I think what's important to realise is that you are not the only person who is isolated. It's easy to think everyone else has loads of friends and is totally sorted, but that's just not true.

So, I am trying to make new friends.

----------

OldMike (18-01-16),Paula (18-01-16)

----------


## rose

OK, SPICE sounds fun, maybe I should look into it?

----------


## OldMike

> I used to be in SPICE mike so know what its all about lol!!!


I know you do Nita (my ESP powers told me so) lol, it was just for my own benefit and for other posters.  :(nod):

----------


## Nita

rose SPICE is really good for trying different experiences.  There are different branches all the way around the country and there is a national one for holidays.  Can join as a couple or as an individual.

There are some normal social things like bowling, cinema etc type things but also some other more exciting things.  They have quizzes etc.  I found the experience days good as its things like jewellery making, bread making, mosaics, painting etc depending on the area.  I think you might be able to go along to one or two events without having to join but can't remember.

Mike - I think somewhere on here there is some stuff on an old thread where I talked about SPICE.  Having been in the Navy I am open to all sorts of different experiences from the social events like bowling but also going all the way to Australia with them knowing absolutely no one on the holiday.  But meeting some nice people through it.

----------


## Zeppelin

I've never had many friends and at times none.  Most of my friends now I met through climbing, meeting the same people and climbing with them each week meant I had time to get to know them and by climbing together you're immediately having to put real trust in each other.  This lead to days/weekends away to climb outside and then other activities as well.  I have also made friends through meetup.com.  I think I have been lucky in that I have met people who have then invited me out to do things.  I'm not good at reaching out to people and making friends so am much better when I meet someone who is good at that and reaches out to me.  I can go out and meet people and talk to people at meetup events etc. but not at taking things further.

----------

magie06 (19-01-16)

----------


## S deleted

Ahhh, hmmm, yeah. I've never been great at making friends. I know a lot of people, from school, work, car clubs, darts etc. But I actually have very few friends that I interact with and most of them I've known for years. I came to learn that when drowning and reaching out to be saved the person who pulls you out of the water is often the person you least expect and the people you thought would be there are long gone. The only friend I have made and maintained in recent times is a lass who happened to put a tune i liked on the jukebox in a local pub while I was rather drunk. She gave me her FB details and we've been buddies ever since. It was a bit rocky at times due to my mood swings and stuff but she's kinda got used to me and my ways now, and she's the one who does a lot of the chasing which helps me a lot and she is always there for me no matter what. Other than that there is a lovely lady i met through darts about 3 yrs ago, who also has the ability to read me like a book. We dont see each other often but it's great when I do see her, but she's a bit protective over me.

I am very lucky to be surrounded by the people I have in my life now because they understand my struggles and accept me the way I am. They see something in me that I can't cos I I'm so used to pushing people away or screwing up some how having found a handful of people who stand their ground and won't leave my side I feel truly blessed.

----------

OldMike (19-01-16)

----------


## rose

I don't have that. I don't have that one person who I can text a funny joke to or chat for hours over the phone. I used to have friendships like that, but they ended. People don't chase me to meet up, it's always the other way around.

----------


## S deleted

Rose i was always the one chasing others in the past. now if it was left to me to do the chasing it wouldn't happen. I simply don't have the heart to chase after someone's attention, cos I don't think id get it and don't feel worthy of it. I really dont know why the folk who have stuck by me through the tough times have bothered cos I don't have much to offer but they see something in me or they wouldn't bother

----------


## Pen

I have a real problem with friends always have. Like Mike I dont think I have had friends most of my life. I was bullied a lot at school and it has made me independent and introverted. Strangely I am quite happy and friendly around people, will chat to anyone but these people never become my friends. At college in the last few years I used to hang around with a few people and some of these I am still friendly with but not in a "go for a coffee and a chat" sort of way. Two people I thought I was friends with there hurt me quite badly and so I have become even more reluctant to make friends, I have become scared to let people in, it hurts too much.
The one exception I have is my friend M. We became friends through running a kids club together at church and she has resolutely stuck by me through all my illness. She makes an effort to come and have a coffee with me every week, which as she looks after 3 grandkids and her ailing hubby, is the church warden and a governor at the local school (and in her mid 70's) sometimes is tricky for her. She is my greatest fan.

----------

OldMike (19-01-16)

----------


## purplefan

> Sadly this is all too easy for me to answer, in a nutshell I've no friends,


You Do now. ME  :(y):

----------


## purplefan

I think making friends is a bit like finding romance. if you go looking for it, then it wont work. 
I do have a number of people that i would call acquaintances but only 1 real good friend whom i have had since school days. 
Last years, socially has been good and through  the church i have mate a lot of nice people whom i now consider to be friends.  Funny thing is i don't feel connected to them the way i with the people on here.
I really look forward to going on DWD and find out what you guys have been up to. I think online friends are as important as Real world friends.

----------

magie06 (19-01-16),OldMike (19-01-16),Suzi (19-01-16)

----------


## stephenb

I feel the friendship issue has had an affect on my general mental state, it is one of the reasons why I am here right now.
 I have few very good friends and when I see others who go on holiday as groups and always interacting socially, i often feel very sad. 
My wife is probably my best friend and she does not really like mixing too much with other people. She is very happy with just my company and especially her own company & it has led me to feel quite lonely.
I used to have some good friends when younger, but the natural drifting apart occurs.
I am available to be somebody's friend if anyone would have me (tears of sadness dribbling as we speak)

----------


## Anna

I've always found it very difficult to make friends as I'm fairly introverted. Despite that I don't particularly enjoy my own company and not have many friends definitely affects my mental state. I have one close friend I've known since I was 19, but she lives in Surrey and I'm up north in Cheshire, so we don't see each other that often. We speak or text most days though, so I know I'm really lucky to have that. 

I really regret having let friends I've made in the past slip away, wish I'd taken the time to hang on to them and appreciated them more, but as others have said life gets in the way. I work from home so don't have any face-to-face interaction with work colleagues and I don't have the confidence to join any real-life groups or anything like that. I do think it's really difficult to form new friendships as an adult, particularly if you have any mental health issues and worry too much about what people think (!) Anyway I shall stop moaning  :):  It's great and comforting to be able to interact with and read about people who feel a similar way on here anyway.

----------

