# Help and Advice > Coping with Depression >  Postpartum depression on a man (myself)

## ciccio88

I waited for so long before posting this, trying to wait for this feeling to pass but it didn't.

I am 37, My wife (31) had a very difficult pregnancy, with the risk of giving birth to our boy on week 26 due to uterus shortening. She started having problems at week 8 and she was forced into total rest for basically 90% of her pregnancy. During this period of time i did everything i could to help her (housekeeping, cooking, cleaning etc) while working full time.

Thankfully our boy was born just 1 month before the due time in April and he is perfectly healty ( he is now almost 4 months old). The first 3 months have been a nightmare in terms of sleep. He suffered from colics who went on all day and all night long, and we really were on the limit. Her parents helped us a lot. She often slept at their house when i worked until 10pm and from 8 am the day after (i work shifts in the airport).

We own a dog, a 9 years old german shepherd who has been with me even before i met my wife. She has been, on average, the only "being" that has stood by my side in these last nine years. She has hip displasia, she had surgery on one leg that costed me 4000euros and 2 months of post-surgery of total dedication to her. This dog means the world to me, and when i hug my newborn or "play" with him i can see the sadness in the dog's face, and i feel so guilty and so stupid at the same.

My life has been (like all new parents) completely changed and i feel robbed of my freedom. I basically work - go home - take the dog out for a walk - care the newborn. I feel trapped and i don't want to live my son this way. I want to enjoy time with him but i simply can't right now. he is too demanding and i always feel like i don't have the mental and physical energies to do that.

I feel empty, i don't enjoy anything anymore, i don't remember the last moment of pure happiness i had. I have constant bad thoughts when i go to sleep and when i wake up, my sleep is tormented and i constantly dream of my wife loving and caring about me.

She is now 110% commited on caring our newborn and i feel like a walking ghosts in the house.

I dont know how to get out of this. I love my newbork so much but i am just not capable of expressing it, even tho i spend a lot of time caring him. I wanna live my family positively instead of living it like something that takes away my freedom.

I have been and i am a caring husband, a perfect owner for my dog, but i wanna learn how to be a great dad for my son.

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## Suzi

Hi and welcome to DWD. I'm so glad you have found your way here and are able to talk about something which is still so very much hidden and not talked about. PPD/PND is something I have had with each of our babies (now 18, 15 and 14) and it hit me very differently each way. I do very much relate to the work and sleep thing - when we had our first I had to return to work when our son was 4 months old. He'd been a difficult pregnancy and a hideous birth. My husband stayed at home with him  so I was teaching during the day - there from 745am until 4pm come home, take over with B, until he rested and I got out all my planning and marking etc until that was done and then I'd be up all night with him too. 
He had colic too and had recurrent ear infections. When you've lived through 24 hour crying you do start to question everything. - My husband found putting on the game of Zelda was brilliant as it would just play on loop and he stopped crying/slept then! It didn't help when my MIL came in and picked him up and he stopped crying instantly when both of us had been trying for hours..... Apparently we just "needed to relax!"

Do you and your wife spend any quality time together? Have you been to see your Dr and told them what you've told us? Have you told your wife how you are feeling?

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## ciccio88

> Do you and your wife spend any quality time together? Have you been to see your Dr and told them what you've told us? Have you told your wife how you are feeling?


We are not able to spend quality time together. When her grandparents take care of him for a couple of hours or so (so we can go out for lunch for example) she is
constantly thinking about him and/or writing to her mom on whatsapp to know how the baby is behaving.

I haven't talked to any Dr. yet, but i think i will need to.

My wife knows how i am feeling, but she is too overwhelmed by how difficult and tiring it is to care for the newborn. She simply doesn't have mental energies to think about my well being (and i understand it).

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## Suzi

Hunni, has she seen her health visitor or doctor? Is he your first child? And hers? 
Instead of going our for lunch or something which can seem really overwhelming, what about just sitting down and watching an episode of a tv series or something? My husband and I weren't spending any quality time together so last year we watched the first episode of Games of Thrones - it took us over a year to watch up until series 8! But it meant we spent an hour just together not "doing" anything or having to "be" anyone - we could just snuggle on the sofa - quite often one of us dozed off, but that was OK too...

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## Paula

Hi and welcome. Post natal depression in mums and dads is something that is not talked about enough. So Im so glad youve found this forum. Mind have produced this information which I hope helps https://www.mind.org.uk/information-.../#.XVHQYsrTWf2

Ive also used the following info on our Facebook page. It is vital that new parents take time to look after themselves .......

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Suzi (13-08-19)

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