# Help and Advice > Friend/relative has depression support >  My boyfriend has severe depression, I want to help

## Charbear

My boyfriend takes sertraline a few months ago his doseage was 50mg but now hes up to 100mg.sunmeras he has an imbalance of some hormones to do with happiness (forgive me that I don't know what it's actually called). He suffers with S.A.D too. This is the first time hes broken down like this in the summer. but for the past 2 weeks he's been really depressed. He keeps getting bad thoughts and just crying his heart out. I try and comfort him and although he does hug me and kiss me he won't really talk to me about anything to do with this.he calls his mum though she lives just outside of oxford and we're in Bristol.  He says he's getting bad thoughts and feel meh or even dead inside.  I try to tell him that his thoughts can't hurt him or that's all they are or I try and tell him what the future holds for us (such as we're going to have a loving family, getting married and things like that - he always hinted about these things when he wasn't depressed) to try and take his mind off things. He doesn't really eat a lot and spends a lot of time on bed and doesn't want to do anything. He spends hours on the computer / phone / laptop to try and take his mind off things. I completely understand why he's shut off but I just wish I can take it away for him or know what to do. Hes such a beautiful and loving person and always up for a laugh / making me lugh each and every day but now I feel like that person has gone a little and Id like to help him through this and to help change his life for better. He says he can't live like this anymore , can't go through it and today he broke down in my arms saying he wishes he wasn't born because of all this. 

It breaks my heart to see him go through this.

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## Suzi

Hi and welcome to DWD. 
Unfortunately you can't take this away - I totally understand that as I wish I could take it away from my husband. You can get through this as a couple - but you have to keep talking and be honest with each other. 
How long has he been on the sertraline? What about the changed dose? Do you feel it's helping? When's he due back at the Drs? Could you go with him?

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## Paula

Hi and welcome. Do you talk to his mum about this at all?  :Panda:

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## Charbear

I think for a few years now. He was on them before we got together last July. He won't go to the doctors I don't think... I tried subtly asking. Is do anything to go woth him if he did ... 

Paula - sometimes I do but I usually get the just of what she says from what he says. 
He's actually on the phone now to get and broke down saying he just doesn't want to be here because he does nothing and feel like what's the point of staying here on this planet he's never done anything to harm himself that I'm aware of. He says he's stressed about this which makes him stress about work which then sets off his anxiety about loosing his job (his work seems to be understanding of this thiugh) . He hasn't taken a shower in days and not brushed his teeth and changed clothes. 

He also doesn't believe in an afterlife , the other day he was asking what's the point of us all being born , living and dying when we and a friend gor into a late night discussion. 

I fear for him and our relationship... I fear I might lose him and I fear that I feel that I'm not helping him or when I plan to go on holiday with him or having children (in the future) because he doesn't see the point 

I'm so so worried... He's just said he can't keep living like this and it's killing him

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## Suzi

If he's feeling that bad then surely suggesting he goes to see a Dr would be a good idea for him to take up? If he isn't willing to ask for and receive help then apart from being there to listen, there really isn't much else you can do..  Have you looked at the time-to-change website? It has lots of resources to help have some of those conversations.

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## Charbear

This morning has taking a toll on him and so he has rang the doctors to ask for a phone appointment.  I haven't tried anything like that ... He can be a bit stubborn with that sorta thing

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## Suzi

Good! That's really positive! Can you be there with him while he takes the call? Maybe put it on speaker phone so you can help answer questions etc?

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## Charbear

I didn't need to, he was actually really open when the doctors phoned. Tomorrow he has an appointment with a mental health practitioner who wouldtalk about medication changes, what could have triggered it (we both don't know this time as he was super happy laughing and joking one minute then rapidly went down hill) and also may be ways of dealing with it.  I'm going to go with him to support him and just so I can get more information for myself on how to deal with this...or to know what they sy to help my boyfriend keep up with what they suggest. 

It's a massive step for him to take so I aim to try and be there for him throughout this.

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## Paula

That's great news. Well done to both of you  :):

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## Suzi

That's brilliant! Well done to both of you!

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## Eric

Wish you and your boyfriend well. He is really lucky to have you and you being there will definitely help. Thoughts can certainly hurt someone and you may not be able to take away the suffering, but you can definitely and will be a huge contribution to his healing. I know this very well, because all of his symptoms you mentioned I've gone through. So as a man I can tell you the thoughts he's having can break a mans spirit. He doesn't feel strong enough to battle these demons, but he is and can be. As he suffers he's gonna neglect his responsibilities which will eventually compound into more stressful situations adding more depression. He'll need assistance with this, but gauge carefully as too not allow him to become too dependent on you. Although, this can be a long road ahead so strap in. Try to do more listening than talking. If anything try to sooth him and tell him he will make it through this and he's not alone rather than consoling him with advice. Sometimes in his mind it can come off as if you just don't understand what he's really going through only to make him even more upset and vulnerable. There are some great doctors out there, but they don't have the answers. That's why they prescribe drugs. So how can they really really know how and what it feels like in one's mind? Just a little food for thought. Some doctors are only as good as the drugs they prescribe. My experience. 

I've tried psychiotrist and psychologists and they weren't much help to me at the time. Being quite stubborn myself, young, paranoid and skeptical may have played a role, but they couldn't help me realize that so unless you get Dr. Phil, or alike I say, good luck.

I started taking Lexapro (20mg) some years back and that seemed to help quite a bit for about 13 yrs, but either I've become immuned to it, or due to increase prices forced to purchase generic brands which could be a watered down version. Name brand if affordable is suggested. Ask your doctor about this prescription. 

So I leave you with just those few thoughts and I will check up on you guys in the coming days with prayers in mind. I still struggle, but I've figured out a few things along the way as a male. I'm battling this now for 35yrs hitting rock bottom out of my 43yrs on the earth. Take this for what it's worth. 

God Bless,
Eric

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## libbymayecu

Hi! 
This situation is reverse for me, meaning im the one on medication and my partner is the one that puts up with me! Your partner is very lucky to have you! 
I do wonder how my partner feels, when i have my really bad days, but he always makes it slightly better and easier to cope with  :):  

Always remember, if your partner is deep down, extremely lucky to have you, because your still with them and haven't abandoned them. It happens a lot with relationships, something im always scared of :'( 

I hope things start to get better with your partner, and keep positive!  :):

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