# Help and Advice > Coping with Depression >  General musings and random ramblings *TRIGGERS*

## Jaquaia

New year, new thread etc etc...




> The New Year generally sees people reflecting on the year just past and making resolutions for the year to come. I don't make resolutions as I find it puts too much pressure on myself to achieve and when I fail, it becomes a stick to beat myself with. I try and take each day as it comes and focus on the good things as and when they happen. Sometimes I have to take the smallest things as a victory, and that's ok. Achievements don't have to be huge to count.
> 
> I have struggled with my mental health for more than a decade now. I have been medicated since I was 22 and have had so much counselling I've lost count. Nothing has helped much. I'm on the 8th different antidepressant and have been told by my gp that if this one doesn't work then they don't know what else they can give me. I have had 4 referrals to the psychiatric team and have been turned away each time as not being ill enough for their help.  Somedays it feels like an uphill struggle just to get out of bed in the morning, but despite the huge affect depression is having on my life, I'm not ill enough... makes sense doesn't it! Mood swings and irritability seem to be my normal now.
> 
> 2017 has been a difficult year for me. I have been trying to deal with the aftermath of a violent sexual assault, not to mention the after effects of a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship and the debt that has left me with, and I have had to cope with being more alone then I have ever felt in my whole life. 
> I have wanted to give up so many times, I have even planned how I would do it to make sure I inconvenience as few people as possible. I have had to fight the urge to hurt myself more times than I care to admit. On top of this, I have recently been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and have had to cope with getting that under control while caring full time for my mum.
> I have no friends locally, so have had to deal with most things on my own. I have friends I speak to online, but I'm stubborn and don't tend to lean on them as I don't think it's fair.
> 
> The last few months have really changed things for me though, things have started looking brighter. I feel a lot happier. I reconnected with an old friend from my uni days, and in doing so I found my soulmate. He is there for me to lean on and encourages me no matter what. He sees me for who I really am and accepts me for that, flaws and quirks included.  I strengthened my friendships with some very special people, one of whom added me to this group, and I have found incredible support from the admin team and the group. 
> ...


This is something I posted on a fb depression group I currently admin. It's the most open I have ever been on there, and probably on here for a while too. I don't know, I find it much easier to hide and focus on trying to support others. It's something I need to work on really, it's all too easily to gloss over how I feel and talk about the mundane stuff.

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Flo (02-01-18),OldMike (02-01-18)

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## Suzi

That's so balanced and so positive. You are amazing. 

I wish you would lean on us/me more though x

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## Jaquaia

I am going to try. It does me no good whatsoever to keep everything locked up in my head.

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## Suzi

You're right, it doesn't.. You're amazing.

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## Paula

> I am going to try. It does me no good whatsoever to keep everything locked up in my head.


So wonderful to hear you say that  :Kiss:

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## Jaquaia

I'm not always the sharpest knife in the drawer but I get there eventually  :O: 

Not looking forward to next week.

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## Suzi

Talk us through what's in your head - maybe tonight or tomorrow...

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## Jaquaia

Next week is a busy week. I hadn't realised just how busy until just now. On Monday I have a telephone appointment with Kate from Weightwise, followed by my colposcopy. Tuesday I have a doctors appointment. Wednesday I have an appointment with the dietician and Thursday I have counselling. I may have dropped the ball a bit there!

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## Paula

Can you have a quiet week this week then, to collate spoons?

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## Suzi

I agree with Paula lovely - can you rest now?

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## Jaquaia

I have blood tests today, seeing J tomorrow although he will make me rest!!! The rest of the week nothing, so I will try

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## Suzi

How's today been?

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## Jaquaia

Been for my bloods taking, finally confessed to my mum about monday to be met with the expected drama, and had a chat with J on the phone  :):  not too bad so far but I'm tired!!!!

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## Suzi

What drama did you get?

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## OldMike

A very positive and awesome first post Jaq  :(bear):   :Panda:

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Flo (02-01-18),Jaquaia (02-01-18)

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## Jaquaia

> What drama did you get?


What??? Why do you have to have that done??? Have you heard this???? (To my dad) When did you find out???? Why didn't you tell us????

To be perfectly honest, because it's no ones business but my own (though J is claiming the brownie points for persuading me to go in the first place  :^): ), it's not a huge deal but I knew she would react like that, and because I didn't want her getting on the phone and telling every Tom, Dick and Harry!!! Which she does as I knew when my sister had to go for one.

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## Paula

Honestly, lovely, if Id had that same conversation with Katie, Im not sure I wouldnt have reacted the same. Doesnt matter how old they are, our children will always be our babies and well always worry about them

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Flo (02-01-18),magie06 (02-01-18)

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## Flo

I know what Paula means....if mums and co are kept out of the loop a 'reaction' is what you can expect. Years ago I was due to be sterilised so didn't want to advertise it and worry mum and dad and the rest of the family...well! you don't do you?....I mentioned it to a friend of my mother in passing...blah..blah..blah..and the phone never stopped ringing! Exactly the same response you had....if anything had happened to me under anaesthetic ...I never thought of that.

However, I'm so pleased that life and love are being kind to you. You'll make an amazing counsellor. You're astute and clever and kind...and if you've 'been there, done that, and got the Tee shirt and the mug'....it will be even more helpful to people. You'll be a natural. Good luck! :O:

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Jaquaia (02-01-18)

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## magie06

I'm delighted that you had your bloods done. I hope you've not had a bruise. Last time I actually didn't bruise - I actually haven't had the results of the last bloods yet. Probably stuck in the Christmas post.

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## Suzi

I think I'd have wanted to know too.... Sorry love.... 

Did you ever ask J to go with you?

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## Jaquaia

I didn't as he's working. I'll be ok.

My brother came for tea tonight and he agreed with me that it's her complete lack of boundaries, which she turned into us saying she was a bad parent...she's good at the guilt trip thing. I love my brother to bits though! He had my back and told her straight to stop being dramatic. If she was more reasonable about things then I probably wouldn't have been so reluctant to tell her.

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## magie06

My mum used to be like that Jaquaia. Before I got married I was still living at home, and my mum always had something to say about me. It could have been about staying out late on a Saturday night, about not looking after my health, not eating properly, anything and everything. I think all mums are like that. It's like when you get handed your tiny baby there is an unwritten code passed on as well. I don't know if this helps any but it's really not uncommon for mums to rant and rave.

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## Suzi

Oh hunni, my Mum is exactly like that too. She can be a real bitch when she wants to....  :Panda:

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## Jaquaia

Had a lovely morning with J, I've really missed him! I relaxed so much with him that I fell asleep in his arms while we were cuddled up watching GoT. That is huge for me. I can never normally relax enough to sleep while someone is touching me but I trust him completely

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## Suzi

That's so lovely! I wish you had that all the time. You deserve it so much.

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## Jaquaia

It will happen in time  :):

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## Suzi

Glad to hear it x

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## Jaquaia

45 minutes since my appointment time and I'm still sat in the waiting room. This is fun! Not!!!

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## S deleted

I gotta admit that would seriously do my head in too

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## Suzi

You doing OK love?

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## Jaquaia

Just on my way home. Feeling really uncomfortable at the moment. She said it doesn't look like there is anything to worry about but she took a biopsy anyway to make sure. And then dropped it so had to take another biopsy. And then found the first biopsy when she removed the speculum. So yeah, owwww.

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## S deleted

It’s over with now. I prescribe chocolate as a reward.

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## Paula

Well done, lovely  :(bear):

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## Jaquaia

Chocolate eaten, currently lying curled up on my bed as owwwww! 

I bought this slinky little number last week;
http://m.asos.com/asos-curve/asos-cu...otalstyles=412

It arrived today and oh my god it's stunning! It looks and feels amazing and actually really suits me! I love it! It's probably the most feminine thing I own.

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## Paula

Oh wow!!!!!!

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## magie06

That is beautiful.

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## Jaquaia

I love it! It's the 2nd dress I've bought in the past 2 weeks but this is my favourite. Going to save it to wear to the dinner in May and not get too drunk or I'll be showing more then I want to!!!  :(giggle):

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## Suzi

Erm, do we get a sneak preview? 

So proud of you for going lovely you are amazing.

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## Jaquaia

Ok, it's pretty daring for me and it means I need to go bra shopping! But here you go...

https://www.dropbox.com/s/7m8eppxdq3...53718.jpg?dl=0

Feeling pretty uncomfortable still but hopefully it will wear off soon.

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## magie06

You look absolutely fantastic. Wow!  :(y):

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## Suzi

You look awesome!  :):

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## Jaquaia

Thanks ladies  :):  I surprised myself by actually buying it! 

Feel absolutely shattered tonight, and only 1 appointment down.

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## Paula

Beautiful!

Whats on the agenda tomorrow?

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## Jaquaia

Doctors to review my med increase. Probably a good idea as I'm currently laid in bed shaking and don't want to close my eyes

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## Angie

That dress is lovely and lovely on you hunni,

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## Suzi

Why didn't you want to close your eyes lovely?

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## Paula

How are you?

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## Jaquaia

Feeling pretty low today. The pain from the procedure reminded me of how I felt after the assault in May, and if I'm honest, it was starting to make me feel very off while I was still on the table. I got through ok until I got into bed though. Every time I closed my eyes I could see what he did to me. J rang me as he drove home from work though, hearing his voice helped calm me a hell of a lot.

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## Paula

:(bear):  thank you for telling us, lovely, I know how hard that is  :(bear):

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## Suzi

I am so proud of you for telling us. It's so hard to do. Have you thought about speaking to specialist counsellors?

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## Jaquaia

I haven't. It's hard enough to talk in regular counselling sometimes. 

Just got out of the doctors. He's leaving my medication as it is at the moment as he feels his hands are tied with what he can try me on as I've tried pretty much everything he can give me. He's made a note that I can have some quite high moods too so he's decided to write for some advice from the Rapid Response team and see what they suggest. He checked my phone number so I think I can expect a call off them sometime soon.

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## Suzi

I hope so love. 

The thing with specialist counselling is that they know why you're there and will be able to help you break into it and talk about it.. I'm not going to push, but I wouldn't be where I am today without having some..

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## Jaquaia

I will think about it Suzi.

Skin is crawling tonight. Just had a shower, which has helped a bit, and once my hair is dry I'm planning on starting a boxset to distract me, but I have a really strong urge to scratch and I'm agitated.

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## magie06

Well done with all you've been through in the last day or two. You are doing so well. I'll leave a hug for you.  :Panda:

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## Paula

Sweetie, yesterday was a trauma and youve got to do the waiting game for the results.  Do whatever you need to to recover from this and dont beat yourself up - any woman would need space to get her head round this  :Panda:

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## Jaquaia

I'm trying to relax and cut myself some slack but I'm feeling so agitated that it's difficult. I'm clenching my jaw and finding it very difficult to relax, I've hardly drank anything today and only just realised. I will do better tomorrow as J is coming round and tends to kick my arse if I don't look after myself. I'm finding it difficult to sit still, and just want to scratch so figuring sitting swinging my legs and keeping my fingers busy is the lesser of two evils. Despite my hands flaring up. And my thoughts are racing, even typing this everything feels very disjointed.

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## Suzi

How are you today lovely? I'm sorry yesterday wasn't brilliant, but you did so well love.

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## Jaquaia

I'm plodding. Seeing J today so happy about that  :):  and I've lost 3kg since I was weighed at the hospital so happy about that too! Other then that, slightly on edge.

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## Suzi

Well done on the weightloss - how are you doing it?

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## Jaquaia

My eating and drinking isn't great at the moment, especiallybwith being poorly over christmas.

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## Suzi

Oh lovely, can you add that into things to try hard with?

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## Jaquaia

And I've just chickened out answering the phone to the mental health team as I was in the car with my parents! I'm pathetic!

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## Suzi

Why didn't you want to talk to them?

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## Jaquaia

I won't speak to them in front of people as I would downplay how much I struggle. I rang them back and the woman who left the voicemail said it wasn't her! They've said I'll get another call.

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## Suzi

OK lovely... Hope you speak to them tomorrow..

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## Paula

Hi Hunni, how are you?

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## Jaquaia

I'm tired. Had counselling this morning and my thoughts were so jumbled that I struggled to remember what I was talking about. I've told her about my gp's referral and she's going to email their clinical lead too about it and see what they can do. 
Still playing telephone tennis with the rapid response team too, they rang as I was leaving for counselling. They've said they'll call back this afternoon.

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## Suzi

Have you heard anything yet? Be honest with them love. 
Glad that the counsellor is going to be in touch with them too...

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## Jaquaia

Not a dickiebird yet

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## magie06

You are probably tired after this morning. Any chance you would be kind to yourself this afternoon?

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## Jaquaia

I've just been laid watching No Offence. Still waiting for this phone call too!

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## Paula

Well done for resting. Anything on the phone front?

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## Jaquaia

Nothing at all

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## Suzi

Can you try and call them tomorrow?

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## Jaquaia

I will see if they ring me tomorrow, I know that the service is stretched and I wasn't referred as an emergency. 

I've been an absolute nightmare tonight, or I think I have been, and J has sat and talked me through it all. It's thrown me a bit as I'm not used to people bothering when I'm in a bad place. 

But for those of you who haven't seen on fb. I've bitten the bullet and applied for a BSc in Psychology with Counselling through the Open University. I found out a little while ago that my funding is all in place and I start studying the first module at the end of the month  :):

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## Suzi

That's brilliant! Well done! 

In what way were you a nightmare?

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Jaquaia (12-01-18)

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## Paula

I am so proud of you!

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Jaquaia (12-01-18)

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## Jaquaia

> In what way were you a nightmare?


I was feeling very insecure and questionning everything, as well as tearing myself down as I didn't feel worthy of anything good. I'm expecting a few Gibbs slaps for that today!!! But he never once told me I was being stupid, he was just there.

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## Suzi

He shouldn't tell you that you are stupid because you aren't... Mistaken when you feel like that definitely, as you are very definitely worth lots of good things! 

WTF is a gibbs slap?

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## Jaquaia

You've never seen NCIS then?  :(giggle):  type Gibbs slap in to the gif part on messenger and you'll see. It's my own fault for teaching him bad habits. 
He never fails to make me feel like I am special to him or make sure that I'm ok before he leaves. I'm not used to it. 

Finally had that phone call! The woman I spoke to feels that I would be best to have a face to face assesment with a mental health professional. Not going to hold my breath.

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## Suzi

That sounds really positive hunni... I know you don't hold your breathe, but it might be different this time?

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## Jaquaia

They've said the waiting list is currently 6-8 weeks so all I can do is wait and see. 

My study materials arrived tonight. The first assignment is due the 15th February and the self-doubt is already creeping in.

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## Paula

Theres no room for self doubt on this bread young lady!!! Youll smash it  :):

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## Suzi

No self doubt or you'll have to upload things here and we'll have to proofread  :O:

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## Jaquaia

Bad day today. Took me hours to get up, mood is generally low and I'm agitated and irritable.

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## S deleted

Snap!

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## Paula

:Panda:  for both of you

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Jaquaia (13-01-18)

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## Suzi

:(bear):  Marc's been similar... So I sympathise..

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Jaquaia (13-01-18)

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## Jaquaia

Going to get into my pjs and try and do some colouring. Getting so tired of fighting all the time

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## Suzi

I know love, I know...  :(bear):

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Jaquaia (13-01-18)

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## Jaquaia

I wish I could have some stability. I've been very agitated all day and found it difficult to control urges. I changed my bedding because the thought that I needed to just kept going round and round my head and wouldn't stop. It's like the longer I left it the louder it got. Found it very difficult to not spend either. And now that mood has broke I've spent the last hour flopped face down on my bed and exhausted.

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## Suzi

That kind of cyclical thought and mood is exhausting so not surprised that you needed to flop. Can  you make sure you've got this all ready to show/talk through to the mh team?

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## Paula

:Panda:

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## Suzi

How are you doing?

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## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

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## Jaquaia

I'm tired and feeling a bit out of it today. Hard to explain, on edge/agitated/irritable, yet at the same time exhausted, finding it hard to sit still and also feel slightly detached. I was talking to J at 5am this morning, so not slept well. I eventually dozed off again at half 7. 

Had Ash having a bit of a strop last week because I didn't reply to a rude message. Apparently in his head, friends comes with occasional benefits. He's decided not to contact me anymore, and to be honest, it's no huge loss. Had an email off dickhead too from another account, begging me to talk to me so he can help me out.

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## Suzi

I thought you were going to stop things with Ash and dickhead after their last strops? Please do lovely, you don't need their  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ...

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## Jaquaia

Ash I had left alone but I hadn't blocked him. Dickhead I haven't spoken to him since I last said, he used a secondary email address, but I just deleted it.

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## Suzi

You deserve better than those pair of d*ckheads...

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## Jaquaia

I have better. It may take some time to get there, but I'm a lot happier then I have been in a long time.

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## S deleted

I’ve said it before. Block them cos they can’t offer anything positive to your life and are only going to drag you down.

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## Paula

^^^wss

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## Suzi

Also agree totally...

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## Jaquaia

I have blocked dickhead. I blocked him ages ago, I thought I'd mentioned it. His email was from another account as I blocked his email too. He has several accounts and I don't know them all.

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## Suzi

Block each one you come across love... Why haven't you blocked Ash?

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## Jaquaia

Honestly? I don't know. I can only guess that he made such a huge thing over always having me in his life and made me feel so bad for hurting him that I felt guilty.

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## Paula

You hurting him? No, love, thats so not what happened

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## Suzi

But he treated you like  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: . A lot of what he said just didn't add up - such as him being in the same hospital as you, but not being able to give you 5 mins just to say hello.... Really hunni, he's not worth the space in your head. Delete and move on...

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## Jaquaia

Maybe I just got so used to being treated like that, it became normal. It's taking a while to get used to how J treats me as I've never been treated so well.

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## Suzi

See.. we told you that he was treating you like  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: . Now you can see the difference.... 

Repeat after me.... Yes Suzi you were right. I am worth being treated like a Princess.

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## Jaquaia

Erm...can't I just say you're right? 

Got my appointment through to see the mental health response team. 16th Feb. Not going to hold my breath, I've seen her before and she's one of them who told me I wasn't ill enough.

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## S deleted

Can you ask to see someone else?

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## OldMike

> See.. we told you that he was treating you like . Now you can see the difference.... 
> 
> Repeat after me.... Yes Suzi you were right. I am worth being treated like a Princess.


We have our very own Princess Sparkles, now we have our very own Princess Jaq in the DWD family. and Suzi is right you _do_ deserve to be treated like a princess.  :(bear):

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Paula (16-01-18),Suzi (16-01-18)

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## Paula

> Can you ask to see someone else?


Im with Stella on this one, cant you tell them youve had problems with this person in the past?

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## Jaquaia

I don't know. They have far less options with me now because I've tried so many more ADs and I'm in counselling. I'm going to take my mood diary too. 

Struggling today. I've already bitten my mums head off just trying to get in the lift to the first floor at the hospital! I've been awake since just before 5 again, I'm very agitated and wound up and feel ready to snap

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## S deleted

If you don’t feel comfortable seeing her you should be able to request to see someone different and you don’t have to give a reason

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## Paula

Sweetie, if they can stabilise me with meds, they can stabilise you. It takes a lot of different meds to get there and then I have my maintenance level of lithium plus 2 ADs plus pregabalin for anxiety plus diazepam prn  - they can add in the others when Im in crisis. Do you see what Im saying? Even my maintenance meds are more than most people are on at their worst. If they can do this for me, they can do similar for you.

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## Jaquaia

I just need someone to look at me and say this has been going on for long enough now, we need to think outside the box. Paroxetine has been about the best AD I've been on and that only really takes the edge off, it stops the constant thoughts of wishing I wasn't here or wanting to hurt myself but my moods are still really unstable. I have a constant urge to spend money on stuff I don't need, which is getting harder to ignore. 

I'm just tired.

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## S deleted

I can totally relate to the spending urges. Anything to make you feel better. Since my recent financial restraints I’ve been trying to find other things which aren’t too destructive to get my fix instead.

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## Suzi

I agree, ask to see someone different...

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## Jaquaia

I think I'll stick with her as the second one I saw was even worse and I can remember her name

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## Suzi

Then can you get someone to go with you? What about J?

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## Jaquaia

He's offered as soon as I told him actually. I wasn't expecting it.

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## Suzi

Good! So he should!  :):  You have accepted haven't you?

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## Jaquaia

Erm... I told him he was awesome and avoided answering...

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## Suzi

Why wouldn't you accept?

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## Jaquaia

Because I'm stubborn! That and I'm so used to doing everything on my own.

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## Paula

Do you want me to come up there and shout at you??? Take J with you! Maybe hell actually be able to tell them what youre not!

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## Jaquaia

Erm...I imagine you'd be quite scary!!!

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## Suzi

Or Paula and I will both come up and frog march you (between mobility aids) there and tell this woman exactly how bad things have been because I don't think for one second that you tell us how bad things really are...... So you say yes to J or you get us.....

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## S deleted

Given that choice Jaq definitely take J lol

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## Paula

> Erm...I imagine you'd be quite scary!!!


Very.

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## Suzi

I'm happy to put something in writing to see if it helps?

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## Jaquaia

I don't know what will help if I'm honest. I was very flippant when talking about it to my counsellor.

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## S deleted

Can I suggest you take up Suzi’s offer of putting something in writing for you, if only to read yourself and relay the comments in your own words cos I can tell you first hand just how perceptive she is.

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## Jaquaia

That makes a lot of sense actually

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## Suzi

Do you want me to try to write you a list?

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## Jaquaia

It might be worth it as I'm sure you've noticed things I've missed

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## S deleted

Be prepared for a shock.

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## Suzi

OK, I'll start that tomorrow - happy for me to post it here?

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## Jaquaia

I think so!!

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## Suzi

Cool beans..

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## Jaquaia

Woken up feeling pretty low today. It seems to be a constant cycle at the moment and I'm tired.

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## Suzi

Am working on your list  :O:

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## Jaquaia

You know it's been a bad day when tears are never far away and when going over the bridge, your only thought is how inviting the water looks.

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## Suzi

Oh angel  :(bear):  :(bear):

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## Suzi

Would you like the list so far or would you rather wait till tomorrow when you might be feeling brighter?

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## Jaquaia

Now is fine xx

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## Suzi

This is a quick list...  It's not complete and I haven't checked through it... I don't mean to upset you in anything I've said.. 

Jaq:


Mood swings - often, violently swinging to extreme to extreme with little happening to justify that change Irritability - excessive and very short temperedExtreme low self worthSelf neglecting behaviour - not eating and drinking properly - risk taking behaviour - urges to spend money Severe depressive moodsNo interest PainFatigueDoesn’t want to burden anyone with how you are really feeling. Feels a failureDoesn’t think she’s worth being treated with respectConvinced she is worth no more than being used and abusedStruggles with being around people, but also craving companyFeelings of wanting to die almost constantly Has planned several ways of ending her lifeStruggles with accepting help/support from anyone Over independent - would rather go without than ask for helpFeels incredibly guilty for asking for help from GPHas no idea why anyone would want to be her friendEmotions are linked to other people - more dependently than would be expected. Lack of concentrationLack of self careStruggles to stand up for herselfStruggles to say exactly how she feelsNot open about how things really areFeels little purpose in seeing 2ndary services as they haven’t been of help previously when she’s seen them Feels that she’s going crazyBeen told previously that she’s not ill enough for 2ndry care, yet gp needs helpTried many medications Keeps most traumatic things locked away and refuses to talk about them

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## Jaquaia

Wow! I can't argue with any of that!

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## Suzi

You OK? Have I upset you?

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## Jaquaia

I'm ok. Not upset at all. Feeling a lot more rational now really, shut myself away in my room and done some colouring. Have to admit that I'm struggling to focus; it's taken me 2 and a half hours to do a tiny bit, and my hands are flaring a bit which hasn't helped. And I feel like I'm rambling a bit... 

It's scary how perceptive you are!

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## S deleted

I did warn you lol

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## Jaquaia

:(rofl):  that you did!

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## S deleted

Suzi is the all seeing eye

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## magie06

Would you mind terribly if I took some of them from the list and gave it to Michelle tomorrow? If you object I really don't mind. It's just that an awful lot of them relate to me at the moment. But I wouldn't be able to say them to her.

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## Jaquaia

Not at all!

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## Suzi

> Suzi is the all seeing eye


ROFL I wouldn't say that...

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## Jaquaia

Today has been much better then yesterday, though to be honest, it couldn't have been much worse really. My friend Annie told me off for not talking to her when I'm bad, J made me promise that I will always talk to him when I'm struggling, I think I scared him a bit. So been given loads of hugs from J today and he wouldn't leave until he'd made sure I was ok. 

So yes Suzi, totally getting your point about not reaching out for support!

----------


## Suzi

Good!

----------


## Jaquaia

I feel exhausted tonight, mentally exhausted. I was awake at 5am again and I think I've just probably reached my limit.

----------


## Suzi

Can you get an earlier night?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've been in bed before 11 the last few nights and as soon as I lay down I'm wide awake.

----------


## Suzi

Can you try reading or listening to music or something?

----------


## Jaquaia

Listening to music now and always have books on my bedside table. Have blue light switched off on my phone too so don't have that fooling my brain into thinking its daylight thing going on.

----------


## Suzi

Well done lovely... What about trying some meditation?

----------


## Jaquaia

I can try. Just so tired.

----------


## Suzi

Then just rest love...

----------


## Paula

Hi Hunni, did you get any sleep?

----------


## Suzi

How are you feeling today? What plans have you got for the weekend?

----------


## Jaquaia

I did sleep but not well. Feeling utterly exhausted now and very very flat. Planning on just pottering and doing stuff for me.

----------


## Suzi

That sounds like a good idea...

----------


## Jaquaia

I have them occasionally  :(giggle): 

Only just eaten and not even medicated yet

----------


## Suzi

Hope you've eaten and are doing OK lovely..

----------


## Jaquaia

I had a chicken wrap. Came upstairs about half 1 but didn't have the energy to do anything so just been laid reading for the last hour

----------


## Suzi

Could it be that you need the rest?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know. J rang me and we ended up chatting for 40 minutes, it felt like a lot shorter! Except I started crying and was unable to hide it from him. And yes, I know I shouldn't hide things and he told me that too, but it's still taking some getting used to having someone who wants to look after me and help me through the bad times. And today is a bad day, had a few thoughts that all it would take is a handful of pills and everything would be quiet. So staying upstairs and reading makes me focus

----------


## Paula

Im sorry its been so tough today, love. Well done for talking to J

----------


## Jaquaia

He can read me really well, even via text, so I can't get much by him. Feeling more level after speaking to him and reading for a bit.

----------


## Suzi

Oh sweetheart, I'm sorry it's been such a tough day x

----------


## Jaquaia

I'll live. I always get through.

----------


## magie06

You are up early?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've been awake before 5am pretty much every day this week. Didn't fall asleep til almost 2am either.

----------


## magie06

I'm the opposite. I've no problem getting to sleep about 11.30 or 12 but I've been awake since 3.23. Can't sleep. Too many thoughts going through my head. Every time I close my eyes all I can see is the inside of the hospital. The doors locked and no way out.

----------


## Jaquaia

It's understandable you feeling like that. We're all behind you  :Panda:

----------


## magie06

I've a phone call from the MH nurse later. I don't know what to tell her. If I tell her the truth, then for sure I'm going to have to go to be assessed. But if I don't tell her what chance have I of getting better?

----------


## Suzi

How are you Jaq? 

Magie - I'm going to reply on your thread as I have a few thoughts to share...

----------


## Jaquaia

At the moment I'm feeling empty but I'll take that over suicidal any day.

----------


## Suzi

Absolutely - have you been keeping track of your moods so you can show them? When is your appointment?

----------


## Jaquaia

16th feb. Been posting it on here. Just need to write it all out.

----------


## Suzi

Why not make a start? Thing is is this an accurate record - have you been 100% honest and put each mood change and what's been the thing that has caused it?

----------


## Jaquaia

A lot of the time I don't know what has caused it. Sometimes the thoughts are just there. 

I've been a lot more honest then I have been previously.

----------


## Suzi

Good!

----------


## Jaquaia

Been for cuddles with Scarlett, found it difficult as my mum insisted on talking to me when I just really wanted leaving alone. Feeling a little agitated now.

----------


## Suzi

What was talking to you about?

----------


## Jaquaia

It was just random, everyday chatter. I just couldn't handle it and wanted to be left alone.

----------


## Suzi

Fair enough.. 

How are you doing now love?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm tired. My head seems to be all over the place, I feel exhausted yet I'm itching to do something. It's driving me bonkers.

----------


## Suzi

I can sympathise with the exhaustion lovely... Can you maybe try a bit of knitting or reading or writing?

----------


## Paula

Have you done he bead pictures recently? Theyre distracting but not overly taxing itms. It might help ....

----------


## Jaquaia

I've showered so drying my hair and getting in to pjs while I watch the railway programme on 4 then may read.




> Have you done he bead pictures recently? Theyre distracting but not overly taxing itms. It might help ....


I've not bought any for ages. I need to look for some really or start sketching again.

----------


## Suzi

Can you put together a distraction box or something?

----------


## Jaquaia

My room is one big distraction box! Got a huge stack of books to read, jigsaws, colouring books, sketch books, note books, my knitting is hanging off the back of my door, my wii is all connected, loads of dvds, music...

----------


## magie06

How are you?

----------


## Suzi

> My room is one big distraction box! Got a huge stack of books to read, jigsaws, colouring books, sketch books, note books, my knitting is hanging off the back of my door, my wii is all connected, loads of dvds, music...


OK, but is it a calm and restful place too? Do you have an area which is just calm and just for sleep or are you doing the above things on your bed?  It might be what's making sleeping more difficult...

----------


## Jaquaia

It's a little cluttered at the moment but I'm working on it. Can't fit a desk in so have to do stuff on my bed but there's always background noise when I'm doing something and it's always quiet and dark when I'm settling down for sleep. Falling asleep isn't the problem, it's staying asleep. 

Had a bad night last night. Ended up crying again and then scratching my arm up. I've had my orders from J; I'm to get up, eat, drink, take my meds and then take it easy for the rest of the day. I swear he's channeling you lot!!!

----------


## Paula

Thats cos we all care about you, love  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I know. And I can recognise that I'm really not well at the moment so maybe need that push to look after myself better.

----------


## Paula

Recognising it is a huge step in the right direction

----------


## Jaquaia

I've come upstairs to read but struggling to keep my eyes open.

----------


## Paula

Then maybe you need to rest, maybe sleep?

----------


## Jaquaia

Maybe so but I worry I wouldn't sleep tonight.

----------


## Suzi

When's your next appointments? J is right, you need to rest and you need to take time to realise that everything that is going on in your head is exhausting. What about meditation?

----------


## Jaquaia

My mum sees the OT on friday and I have bloods and rheumatology next Tuesday and counselling the 1st. Spent almost 2 hours on the phone with J, who then popped to see me for half an hour after he finished work, he wanted to see for himself that I was ok and then told me off for trying to hide it from him. Like he said, he can tell through text when I aren't right, he can definitely tell when he can hear my voice. So feeling a bit brighter now after hugs.

----------


## Angie

Glad your feeling a bit brighter hunni x

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm just not used to someone going out of their way for me. It meant a lot.

----------


## Suzi

Glad you are feeling a bit brighter lovely.

----------


## magie06

You're awake early. Do you want to talk?

----------


## Suzi

How are you feeling today?

----------


## Paula

Morning, hunni, did you sleep?

----------


## Jaquaia

Was awake again at 5am but managed to get back to sleep eventually. Woke up about half 9 and it's taken me until now to get up and get something to eat. Just feel exhausted.

----------


## Suzi

Do you know what keeps waking you up? Can you rest at all today?

----------


## Jaquaia

No idea what keeps waking me up. I think there's only been 2 days in the last fortnight that I haven't woken up at 5am. 
I haven't planned anything today, just waiting for my laptop to be delivered.

----------


## Suzi

I sympathise. Could it be a change in light or temperature? Anyone else getting up and moving around at that kind of time? Talia?

----------


## Jaquaia

My dad gets up for work at that time but he has done for years

----------


## S deleted

New laptop? Cool.

----------


## Jaquaia

It's purple!!!

----------


## S deleted

A DWD inspired laptop lol

----------


## Jaquaia

Funnily enough, it's 2 purples!!!!

----------


## Suzi

That's awesome!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

https://ao.com/product/80xr0085uk-le...52493-251.aspx

Complete bargain! No excuse not to study now

----------


## Suzi

Awesome!!

----------


## Jaquaia

Awake again at half 5 but not surprising as I went to bed pretty angry. Spent a good hour or so this morning supporting J as he was really low and then have started looking at my first weeks tasks!

----------


## Suzi

Angry? Why? 
How are the tasks?

----------


## Jaquaia

They look pretty straightforward so far.

----------


## Paula

Why were you angry?

----------


## Suzi

What happened to make you angry?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've explained in my other thread

----------

Suzi (24-01-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Been one of those days today. I felt absolutely exhausted yesterday but managed to focus on a book so just rested and read all day. I didn't want to go to bed until I finished it as I only had a couple of chapters left so stayed up. Finished it about 10 past 12 then talked to Stella for a couple of hours. Finally fell asleep just before 3am and slept through my usual wake up time of half 5... only to be woken up by the dog barking at 6am!!! Took me a few minutes to realise why she was barking, there was someone knocking at the door. Well at 6am, needless to say it set my anxiety off and there was no way I was answering the door. I rang my mum to see if it was her, her phone was at home, rang my dads phone, she'd left that here too. Look through the window and she notices and croaks that it's her. Apparently my dad had taken the keys to work! They were in the car under some tissue!!! So I got knocked up because she couldn't move a bit of tissue to look  :@:

----------


## Angie

Blimey hun thats not brilliant

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni... I assumed you tried talking to them about it?

----------


## Jaquaia

I made a point of telling her that it was the only morning I'd not woken up at half 5. She did apologise but it annoyed me that she only had to move one thing to see them. So I ended up dozing off while cuddling up with J and then had to go to a hospital appointment with my mum.

----------


## S deleted

I’m sorry  :(:

----------


## Jaquaia

Don't be sorry as I was awake anyway! It's being knocked up that was the issue! And that sounds so bad phrased like that! 

PS. I have orange dime bars. They're lovely!

----------


## S deleted

That sounds awesome. I might have to try one of those.

----------


## Jaquaia

Home Bargains

The mutt woke me up at half 5 trying to get in bed with me  :=(:

----------


## Suzi

What a lovely way of being woken up! I was woken then too by Casey  :=(:  So I sympathise... Hope you can get a restful more pacing day today lovely...

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm under orders from J already to rest and relax. I'm just laid reading at the moment.

----------


## Paula

Good lol

----------


## Jaquaia

I can be a good girl occasionally!!!  :(giggle):  just spent an hour on the phone with J; it never seems that long as he's so easy to talk to, and I find it really sweet that he wants to look after me. I've never had that before.

I'm hoping that I get a decents night sleep.tonight! Surprisingly, my mood has been ok, I'm just irritable.

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like a pretty good day love xx

----------


## Flo

> Home Bargains
> 
> The mutt woke me up at half 5 trying to get in bed with me


Men can be SO irritating can't they?? :(rofl):

----------


## Paula

How are you doing? Did you sleep?

----------


## Jaquaia

I did. Fell asleep around half 1 and didn't wake up until 7 and then dozed for another couple of hours. Still feel tired though and tense and irritable.

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  :(bear):  :(bear):

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------


## Suzi

How was the rest of your day lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've been reading again, almost finished the book I started this morning. Very, very irritable though, struggling to handle my mum talking to me.

----------


## Suzi

How are you feeling today lovely?

----------


## Paula

:(bear):

----------


## Angie

Hope your struggling less today hun x

----------


## Jaquaia

Tired, grumpy. I was getting very snappy with my mum last night so went to read in bed. Fed up of being so irritable all the time, it's not me!

----------


## Suzi

When are your next appointments? Are you keeping note of the moods etc?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've got a diary I'm writing everything in.There are only a few days missing as I didn't post here. 

Got bloods tomorrow morning, rheumatology tomorrow afternoon and counselling Thursday morning. Still really irritable but it's not as bad today as I've spent a couple of hours with J and he calms me

----------


## Paula

Still a tough week, so take it easy where you can

----------


## Suzi

I'm going to say something which is probably way out of order, but I'm concerned that your mood is pretty flat and low, and you say you are really irritable until you see J. It concerns me that your mood seems so linked with him. Whilst I get that you like spending time with him - as you should, I'm concerned about how dependent you are on him for your mood... Does that make sense? Have I upset you? I really didn't mean to...

----------


## Jaquaia

I need to begin working through week 1 on my course.

Suzi it makes sense. I don't agree but it makes sense. I think I feel less irritable with him as I'm not as exhausted as I'm not trying to hide how I am from him. He can read me too well so there's no point in trying to pretend I'm ok. I can drop my guard and just be me, whether that is me when I'm happy or extremely irritable or really low. And my mood isn't really that low today, it's fairly level with a few dips, but mainly irritable.

----------


## Suzi

Fair enough - I didn't upset you did I? 

Why do you feel you need to have your guard up when you are at home with your parents?

----------


## Jaquaia

You didn't upset me  :Panda: 

Because my dad doesn't understand so it's just attitude to him and not me being ill. And with my mum because everything has to have a reason and she pushes and pushes trying to find an answer until I snap and then she takes my reaction personally and makes it all about her despite her ignoring me when I ask her to leave it.

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni, I wish you didn't have to pretend when you were at home.

----------


## Jaquaia

Me too but I'm used to it. 

Just got home from the hospital. My blood tests are still showing inflammation markers, which is annoying as my hands almost feel normal, but I've been put on hydroxychloroquine alongside the methotrexate and have been told that I have to arrange an eye test and to make sure I have them yearly. Fun!

----------


## Suzi

My friends on the same things and folic acid too...  :(bear):  :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

Yep. I've been on folic acid since I started the methotrexate.

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

I now have a swollen lip as this dizzy mare dropped her phone on her face  :(:

----------


## Angie

Opps ouch!

----------


## Jaquaia

You can say that again! My mouth is throbbing!

----------


## S deleted

This is exactly why I don’t read hardback books in bed anymore. The number of times I’ve fallen asleep reading and cracked myself In the face with the book... I don’t advise it.

----------


## Jaquaia

I usually save the hardbacks for when I'm laying on my front and then wake up with the pages stuck to my face

----------

S deleted (30-01-18)

----------


## S deleted

Now there’s an image, lol

----------


## Jaquaia

It's only a problem if I drool!  :(rofl):

----------


## S deleted

That’s bad if you have to hang it out to dry before you can finish reading lol

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

Still haven't started my uni work. I can't find any motivation at the moment...

----------


## S deleted

When does it need to be done by?

----------


## Jaquaia

Only on week one but got an assignment due in 2 weeks.

----------


## S deleted

Best not it leave it to the last minute. I’m sure you’ll get through it all ok when you’re ready

----------


## Suzi

Maybe start with reading around it and bullet pointing etc?

----------

Angie (31-01-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I think I may just leave it for tonight and catch up on some tv and start it tomorrow after counselling.

----------


## Angie

Sounds like a plan hunni

----------


## S deleted

After counselling? You gonna be up for it then?

----------


## Jaquaia

Possibly not but I can try.

----------


## S deleted

Don’t pressure yourself if you don’t feel up to it.

----------


## Suzi

Hope counselling goes OK lovely

----------


## Jaquaia

It will certainly be interesting as it's been a rough few weeks.

----------


## TiffanyyO

Good luck <3

----------

Jaquaia (31-01-18)

----------


## Paula

Im with Stella, after counselling may be a touch ambitious. But youll get there  :):

----------


## Suzi

Hope you are able to tell them everything and that it helps lovely.

----------


## Jaquaia

I should really stop being so flippant with my counsellor. I let her know that I had an assessment with the mental health team in 2 weeks time and she started talking about me being discharged from counselling as I can't have that and be under the secondary team at the same time. Also talked about what a psychiatrist could do for me with regards to meds and then asked me what I felt about it.

"All I think is awwwwww!!! It's so sweet that you believe that will happen!" 

My mouth runs away with me sometimes....

I did tell her everything, even about the SH and suicidal thoughts. Tired now

----------


## Paula

So cynical lol.

Well done for telling her everything, lovely

----------


## Jaquaia

Cynical??? Me???  :(angel):

----------

Paula (01-02-18)

----------


## Suzi

Well done love. I'm glad you've told her everything. Hope you've done something kind for you this afternoon/evening.

----------


## Jaquaia

I wrote my piece on fb and spoke to J a couple of times on the phone. Had cuddles with my niece too. Not had the energy for much more

----------


## Paula

Sounds like a pretty full day to me

----------


## Suzi

I think you've done brilliantly - is today a rest day? Top tip - best answer here is saying "yes Suzi. Today is a rest day" and then actually resting....

----------


## Paula

> I think you've done brilliantly - is today a rest day? Top tip - best answer here is saying "yes Suzi. Today is a rest day" and then actually resting....


 :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

:(rofl):  just physio with my mum then resting.

----------


## Jaquaia

Well that was fun. Physio then shops. Only just eaten and taken my meds and already feel exhausted, though waking up at 5am wouldn't have helped that.

----------


## Suzi

Erm, you said physio then rest - now you've done physio and shops.............. Erm... RESTING?

----------


## Jaquaia

Pot and kettle missus!!!  :(rofl): 

I'm resting! J is popping after work and I swear he's as bad as you lot so he will make me rest!  :(giggle):  my mum had rent to pay and I needed to pick up my prescription, hence the shops.

----------


## Angie

Hope that you have rested hunnie

----------


## Jaquaia

Erm...yes. Rested! I did!

----------


## Suzi

Hooray!

----------


## Angie

Good,

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm even resting now!

----------


## Angie

Even better chufty badge on its way to you  :):

----------


## Suzi

I'm really proud of you.

----------


## Jaquaia

To be honest, resting meant I could disappear to my room as being around the parents was a struggle.

----------


## Suzi

Shh don't dampen the mood of you being awesome and "just resting"....

----------


## Jaquaia

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl): 

My mind is racing a bit now! I suddenly want to do things!

----------


## Suzi

Nooooooooooooooooo rest!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm trying but my mind isn't cooperating, I'm getting restless and finding it hard to sit still

----------


## Suzi

I don't think you need to sit still to rest - I don't, I crochet because it helps my mind to rest and means I'm sitting  :O:  

How are you today love?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tired. I was awake before 4 and then again at 5. It's taken 2 and a half hours to get up and get sorted as I have no energy or motivation. Already had J checking that I've eaten, I have! Just feeling a little empty today.

----------


## Suzi

Do you have any plans for this weekend?

----------


## Jaquaia

I need to do some studying but I don't have the motivation. I'm going to fail, I just know it  :(:

----------


## Paula

No. Youre not. Youre intelligent, focussed and its a subject you really want to study. Today, maybe even this week it may be hard but youve got a bit more time to put this one in and, even if its a bit rushed, you dont fail on one rushed assignment

----------

Angie (03-02-18),Jaquaia (04-02-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Well I've gotten myself organised and got a folder and notepad sorted for notes. I've found my laptop bag so I can keep everything together. It's a start!!!

----------

Angie (03-02-18),Paula (03-02-18)

----------


## Suzi

It's a brilliant start. I know you can do this love. You are such an intelligent, interesting and fabulous lovely I have no doubt you'll be brilliant.

----------

Jaquaia (04-02-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I know I need to have more faith in myself, I just don't know how. All I can see is week 2 starts tomorrow and I'm already a week behind.

----------


## Suzi

What is your task for week 1?

----------


## Jaquaia

There's a video to watch and some reading I think

----------


## OldMike

You can do it Jaq you're highly intelligent and well bred  :(giggle):  er I meant well read  :(nod):

----------


## Jaquaia

:(rofl): 

Video watched. Now to watch again and take notes!

----------


## Suzi

Wooohoo!! See, told you that you could do it!

----------


## Jaquaia

4 and a half pages of notes, a half hour phone call with J and have made a cheese and leek potato bake from scratch.... tired now and my back is aching!

----------


## S deleted

Wowzers. Bet you feel good about all you’ve achieved. You’ve earned a bit of a rest now

----------


## Paula

See, told you you could do it  :O:

----------


## Suzi

Well done love.. See we were right..

----------


## Jaquaia

That's only part of the task for week 1, I still have more to do! But I've decided a shower would be more of a benefit

----------

Suzi (04-02-18)

----------


## Paula

Yeah but thats Called pacing, which is a good thing  :O:

----------

Suzi (05-02-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Spent the morning with J so this evening will be studying. Will try and get an early night as I'm up early for my eyes testing tomorrow.

----------


## Suzi

Hope it's been a good day lovely...

----------


## Jaquaia

It's been ok. I got a bit emotional when J was leaving but he is absolutely amazing at dealing with me when I get like that. I haven't done any studying today as my shoulder is flaring and my eye is painful. It's a bit red and swollen near my tear duct

----------


## Paula

Doctors tomorrow?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'll be ok. I'm used to my shoulder flaring now, I just need to rest it and antinflammatories. I'll see what my eye is like tomorrow. I'm hoping it's not a tear duct infection as that may mean a trip to the hospital and I really can't be bothered with that!

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  I wish you and he could just be together..

----------


## Jaquaia

We will be. He just wants to do everything he can to stop me being affected by the fallout.

----------


## Suzi

I can understand that.. How are you doing today love?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok so far, just tired. Choosing new glasses is a nightmare when you can't see without your prescription ones! But I have new glasses chosen, my pocket is £70 lighter and the optician also commented on how dry my eyes are, so need to start using my drops.

----------


## Suzi

OO new glasses! What did you go for? 

Are you now going to rest?

----------


## Paula

^^^wss

----------


## Jaquaia

Erm...probably pottering or studying. 

I can't remember what my glasses look like! They're blue-ish.

----------


## Suzi

How did the rest of the day go?

----------


## Jaquaia

I ended up dozing off this afternoon and have just watched "Hulls Headscarf Heroes". Absolutely amazing documentary which I really recommend. I found it incredibly moving, but I think it's because it hits so close to home for me. I go past the memorial on Hessle Road most days and see the list of the men who died, I've been past the memorial up near the dock numerous times so these aren't just shadowy figures to me, but real people who shaped the character of my city itms?

----------


## S deleted

Any links?

----------


## Jaquaia

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b09r8jvr

----------

S deleted (06-02-18)

----------


## S deleted

Not the only historical disaster on your mind today either I bet.

----------


## Jaquaia

It isn't. Tom is over in Munich with some other friends at the moment, he attended a memorial service, and our friend Mike plays a big part in organising remembrance every year at Old Trafford.

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  :(bear):

----------


## S deleted

> I ended up dozing off this afternoon and have just watched "Hulls Headscarf Heroes". Absolutely amazing documentary which I really recommend. I found it incredibly moving, but I think it's because it hits so close to home for me. I go past the memorial on Hessle Road most days and see the list of the men who died, I've been past the memorial up near the dock numerous times so these aren't just shadowy figures to me, but real people who shaped the character of my city itms?


Just watched it and it’s absolutely shocking the conditions those men had to put up with and respect to the women who helped change the way the industry operated and no doubt saved many lives.

----------


## Suzi

It's on my "to watch" list. 

How are you feeling today lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not great. I've cried more times then I care to admit and the moment I started studying I dozed off.

----------


## S deleted

Any cause for the tears?

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know, I've not been right all day really. I had a weightwise appointment this morning and my voice sounded dead. J has been brilliant and wouldn't leave until he knew I was ok.

----------


## Suzi

How did the Weightwise appointment go?

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

It was ok. I didn't get weighed today, we just talked about how I've been getting on and things I can do to help me sleep.

----------


## Angie

Have they given you any ideas to help with sleep

----------


## Jaquaia

Lavendar oil, doing something to relax like read

----------


## Jaquaia

My reactions are completely out of proportion today! My sister has rung my mum today, she's got my niece into nursery 2 days a week when she goes back to work, despite my dad offering to look after her. Pretty much blamed it on my mum and the way she is and justified it on a load of what ifs, yet they're good enough to babysit if they want a night out. Oh and they're allowed to take her for days out the rest of the week too. So why aren't they good enough to look after her while she's at work? My mum is feeling quite hurt by that and my dad is upset too. Oh and she's not allowed at our house, she must be looked after there. Never mind the fact they never smoke when she's in the house, and it's obvious when they come down that she never really wants to be here. My sis never considers how her words affect people, she just opens her mouth and doesn't give a toss about anyone else. 

It's made me so angry yet it's gone beyond that to wanting to claw at my arms and even the odd thought of I want all this to end. I want my mind to be quiet.

----------


## Suzi

I'd be cross too - but tbh it could be financial? Do they get certain benefits which only get awarded if she is in funded ofsteded childcare?

----------


## Paula

Actually, I completely understand your sister. When you pay someone to look after your children, theres a professional contract between you that makes it easier to tell them what you expect in your childs care. When family do it, you cant insist on things being done your way. You have an overwhelming sense of guilt that theyre helping you out. You cant tell your parents not to take them out because the child had a bad night or to make sure the child doesnt have an afternoon nap because you need your child to sleep on a long car journey youre taking her on when you finish work. And, you cant stop your parents from spoiling your child.

Ive had family giving childcare and Ive had professional childcare.  I adore my parents and theyre wonderful grandparents but my life was a 1000 x easier with a childminder. Ultimately this decision is about whats best for your niece and her parents.

----------


## Jaquaia

That's fair enough Paula, but blaming it solely on my mums health? Yet they're good enough to babysit if they want a night out? Making it obvious that you don't want to be in your parents house? That you don't want your child in your parents house? Manners and being mindful of others feelings doesn't take much. But then no one else actually matters with her.

----------


## Jaquaia

Nearly there with my first assignment and all caught up with the work. Less than 200 words to go and references and I can submit it. I actually feel a lot calmer about it then the first time round at uni.

----------


## S deleted

Yay! Glad you’re all caught up.

----------


## Paula

Well done you! Told you so  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Well done gorgeous!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I haven't finished my assignment yet. Don't congratulate me just yet

----------


## Suzi

It's an achievement to have even started!!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'll no doubt find some way to mess it up. I always do.

----------


## S deleted

OI! We’ll have none of that.

----------


## Suzi

Totally agree with Stella!

----------


## Jaquaia

Well that's how I feel today

----------


## Suzi

You OK lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

I woke up this morning so not really.

----------


## Suzi

Do you know what's caused those feelings?

----------


## Jaquaia

Just woke up wishing I hadn't and spent most of the day wishing I wasn't here. Of course I'm too much of a coward to do anything about it.

----------


## S deleted

That’s bull and you know it. Not taking the easy way out is hardly cowardly.

----------


## Suzi

I don't think it's cowardly to or not to take that way out - but I hope you never do because no matter how you feel about yourself you are loved and wanted...

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm just so tired of fighting. I always try to be the best person I can be and all I seem to do is suffer, I can't even do being a woman properly. Yet people go through life treating others like  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  and get everything they want. How is that fair?

----------


## S deleted

I hear ya mate. It sometimes seems like the way to get ahead in this world is to be a complete  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:

----------


## Paula

> I can't even do being a woman properly.


Where has this come from?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know. It was just in my head last night

----------


## Suzi

In what way can't you be a woman properly?? I ask because I've felt that so many times....... 

How are you today gorgeous?

----------


## Jaquaia

I haven't had a period since mid-September so couldn't even do pregnancy, I have thinning hair and hair that grows where it shouldn't. Not exactly the most feminine of looks I have! 

I'm better then yesterday but still pretty low and very, very irritable, snappy and on edge. Still wish I hadn't woken up but not thinking of ways I can achieve that at least. J is popping to see me soon. He tried to get someone to cover his shift so he could come with me this afternoon but there was no one available. I'm just touched he even tried.

----------


## Suzi

Do you have anyone to go with you? 

Sweetheart I really wish I could take those horrible feelings away from you.. Thing is, you're much more woman than so many I meet....

----------


## Jaquaia

And there we have it. I'm not ill enough to see a psychiatrist, the meds aren't working because of my personality and my self harm isn't proper self harm.

----------


## S deleted

Your personality?

----------


## Jaquaia

"The meds I've tried haven't really worked. There's only paroxetine which has reduced the urge to self-harm and the suicidal thoughts"

"Have you ever thought it could be your personality? Some people find no antidepressants at all work because of their personality."

I kid you not!

----------


## Paula

What?? Ffs!!  

And, Im sorry, but _any_ self harm is self harm.  Im really angry for you  :@:

----------


## Jaquaia

According to her, because I didn't need medical attention, it isn't proper self harm. Though she was debating between using proper self harm and superficial self harm.

----------


## Suzi

That's outrageous! I'm furious for you! Go back to your GP and tell them what was said, then call PALS and tell them too. That's horrific.

----------


## Jaquaia

She said I was angry and defensive and had a huge wall up. And that they hadn't let me down previously. And medication won't help me as it's issues that need to be worked out in therapy. I even told her that my counsellor has said that I fully engaged with my counselling. It was only me breaking down completely that got her to agree to ask the nurse prescriber to look at my medication. I'm talking snotty, sobbing, can't talk proper crying. Like I told her, I don't understand why I feel so low at the moment as J makes me genuinely happy and I don't want to wake up feeling disappointed I'm alive for the rest of my life. 

In other news, it's 6 months ago today that I reconnected with J and it was him who remembered! So the day wasn't a total washout as I had hugs with him this morning.

----------


## Flo

You know, it's a strange thing really. Sometimes there doesn't have to be a reason for the way we feel the way we do. I have a caring husband, nice house, no immediate money worries, have 2 kids and 5 grandkids that are doing well and basically have a life that a lot of others would give their eye teeth to have...so why do I get anxious and feel depressed? I get really disappointed in myself for not being grateful for everything I have. Where is the logic?There is none! Depression doesn't recognise logic, which is why it's not understood by the majority, even some of  the professionals who are trained to understand! Just keep getting hugs from J. I love hugs from my big bear. It's when I feel the most safe. By the way, how old is your little niece now? She must be at the really cuddly stage. Awww... :(bear):

----------


## Suzi

I'm so sorry that they treated you like crap again. Do go and see your Dr love and tell them what they said to you....

----------


## Jaquaia

She's 7 months now Flo! She's a little bugger, constantly trying to pinch my glasses and last weekend tried sucking my nose!  :(rofl): 

I feel safest when I'm with J, have done since day one. He will never let me give up, he keeps me going some days when I just want to disappear.

Suzi, it's what I expected, except the personality bit was new and really upset me.

I am so chuffed about my assignment score!!!! 92%!!!!! I have never ever had a piece of university level work come close to that before!!!!

----------


## Jarre

:Panda:  you know we are always just behind you hun when you need us

----------

Jaquaia (16-02-18)

----------


## Paula

I am so proud of you!

----------

Jaquaia (16-02-18)

----------


## Flo

Blimey! Well done! What an achievement. You're gonna sail through this. So little niece is at that stage!....I can't believe she's 7 months already! Where does the time go? Is she trying to crawl or roll yet? You'll all need eyes in your backside! Your J sounds like a goodun and obviously thinks the world of you. Men like that are few and far between so keep a good hold of him.  :Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (16-02-18)

----------


## S deleted

Great result for the assignment. Definitely need to celebrate that somehow.

----------

Jaquaia (16-02-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

She's rolling and trying to crawl and starting to eat solids Flo! 
J is awesome, I'm not letting him go anywhere.  :):  

I can't believe I was panicking when I clicked submit! I got some awesome feedback!!!

----------


## S deleted

When we tell you we believe in you maybe you can trust you.  :O:  I’m seriously chuffed for you mate.

----------


## Suzi

Well done lovely!

----------

Jaquaia (16-02-18)

----------


## Angie

Well done sweetie xx

----------

Jaquaia (16-02-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Shattered now. It's been such a mixed day and I still can't get over my mark for my assignment! Had to be sociable as my brother came down with his girlfriend, which was difficult, and I've not eaten properly as I wasn't hungry but I have had something.

----------


## Suzi

How are you this morning lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm a lot better today. I wonder if it was me dreading the appointment that made me crash so far? Plus J popped to see me for half an hour before work to make sure I'm ok. He really is amazing, coming to see me would have added half an hour onto his journey to work but he doesn't care, he just wanted to see me and check I was ok. I've never had someone treat me like I was so important before  :): 

Downside is my arm hurts and looks a mess, so long sleeves for a while, and it's FINALLY TOTM.

----------


## Suzi

I'm sorry you've hurt yourself love and that it's TOTM.. But I'm glad that he's showing you what you deserve - to be important and to be loved and respected...

----------


## Jaquaia

I'll live, it's just really sore.

----------


## Paula

Have you cleaned it up?

----------


## Jaquaia

I have been good this time and I'm keeping it clean and using an antiseptic cream on it.

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you're keeping it clean lovely... Wish you didn't feel you needed to do it in the first place though x

----------


## Jaquaia

I didn't realise I was doing it, I was that distressed. J was not happy that the CPN didn't pick up on me doing it.

----------


## Suzi

That's just not acceptable. Please go and see your GP in the morning and tell them everything and show them what you were doing whilst you were in their care....

----------


## Jaquaia

It's not the first time, it was the same in my last assessment too. Yet she mentioned me not giving eye contact.

----------


## Paula

Can you ask for a different cpn if youre not happy?

----------


## Jaquaia

I can't remember the name of the other one I saw as she was just as bad.

----------


## Paula

Are there just two?

----------


## S deleted

I totally get what your saying Jaq. I’ve had similar experiences and the last face to face meeting I had with someone I was told I was an alcoholic and they couldn’t help me but I needed support from the alcohol and drug service. They couldn’t see that the drink was a coping mechanism for an underlying illness. Cock ends the lot of them. I still enjoy a drink but it has NEVER controlled me. 

Anyway back to the point. After being told by many professionals that they couldn’t believe I was being overlooked for psychiatric care and having lost everything I ever held dear, I learned that the only way through this was to fight it myself. Yeah I make a lot of mistakes along the way but I try to learn from them and I never give up fighting. Yeah ok I may take a few days off once in a while but no one can say I don’t do all I can to beat this illness even without professional support. You don’t need someone with a badge of honour to get through this. What you need is the strength from within to stick two fingers up to all the people who’ve tried to drag you down or refused to help.

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know. I'm not keen to go back to find out after yesterday.




> You donÂt need someone with a badge of honour to get through this. What you need is the strength from within to stick two fingers up to all the people whoÂve tried to drag you down or refused to help.


Funnily enough, I said similar to J last night. I've got counselling next week so will let her know what happened as it's my last session and she was expecting me to get treatment. Other than grudgingly offering to talk to the nurse prescriber, she gave me the details to something called the Recovery College and said I should do some of the courses they offer. She made a point of saying the treatment teams have a long waiting list and they just offer the same stuff

----------


## Suzi

Marc's been referred to the recovery college too. They have loads of really interesting looking courses. He's also (finally) been given a contact at a local MH charity who seem to be really useful too..  
Thing is, it shouldn't be a fight to get the help and that's so frustrating. Will you go back to see your Dr on Monday and tell them everything? 
I know Marc's seen one set of CMHT before who weren't great, and now he's seen the other lot and they've been flipping awesome. Maybe that's an option?

----------


## Jaquaia

I will think about it. To be honest, friday has put me off, I felt attacked from the moment I sat down.

----------


## Niffler

Hi ladies, sorry to jump in on this but can you tell me what the recovery college is?

----------


## S deleted

It's basically a chance to learn all the tools necessary to keep you well in your day to day life.

----------



----------


## Suzi

They run loads of different courses. Some of them look really interesting.

----------



----------


## Jaquaia

I'm wary of biting off more than I can chew what with my appointments, looking after my mum and my OU study.

----------


## Suzi

Absolutely, but maybe something creative might be a break that your mind and you could do with?

----------


## Jaquaia

None of the courses they run are this side of the river, which is a pain. I need to start driving.

----------


## Suzi

No need to do everything all at once lovely...

----------


## Jaquaia

Well I've showered and even the water on my arm was painful  :(:  it's feeling quite warm to the touch at the moment so I will keep a close eye on it. Annoyingly, I'm close to kicking myself for doing it but I'd detached and didn't realise. Logically I know it wasn't my fault.

----------


## Suzi

Please go and let your GP see it for themselves. It's very different to tell about it rather than see it itms?

----------


## Jaquaia

I will consider trying to get in.

----------


## Suzi

Have you tried to get an appointment?

----------


## Paula

Consider?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not really seeing much point at the moment. But I've booked one for a week on weds and I will keep an eye open and if one comes available sooner I will swap it.

----------

Paula (19-02-18)

----------


## Suzi

But in a week on Wednesday the area you've hurt won't look how it is now - can you take pictures?

----------


## Jaquaia

Already done that! And I've cancelled my weightwise appointment on wednesday as it clashed with counselling and I think counselling will be more beneficial to me right now. I will show my counsellor. I've even cut my nails pretty short, mainly to set J's mind at rest. With how short they are now, I can't do as much damage if I get distressed.

----------


## Suzi

Oh sweetheart  :(bear):  :(bear):

----------

Jaquaia (19-02-18)

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------

Jaquaia (19-02-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok. Pretty much anyway. Had hugs off J this morning, which was good for him too as he's struggling today. I'm planning on doing some studying to keep me occupied, or tidying. Not decided yet. I just cut my nails as I saw how worried he was and this removes some of that worry.

----------


## Suzi

How's the studying going?

----------


## Jaquaia

I went for tidying instead. Will do an hour or 2 later. Strugglibg to focus again.

----------


## Suzi

Can you pick and choose little tasks to focus on little by little?

----------


## Jaquaia

I should be able to. I have a standard to maintain now!  :(giggle):

----------


## Paula

I have no doubt at all that youll keep up with that standard.  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh I do!!! Part of me thinks it was a fluke!

----------


## Suzi

Fuke or no fluke, who cares? Seriously, I have every faith in you x

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm glad someone does!

----------


## S deleted

And me. I have faith in you too.

----------


## Jaquaia

I think I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed after last week

----------


## Suzi

But it's the same as everything.. Little by little and one metaphorical foot in front of the metaphorical other.. You can do this. 

How are you today?

----------


## Paula

Morning, sweetie

----------


## Jaquaia

Morning. Struggling to get going today, it's taken me 3 hours to get up and ready to face the day. Then I forgot to put my cardy on as I normally don't wear anything over my tshirt, so my anxiety went sky high when I realised my arm is visible. Covered up now but still pretty anxious!

----------


## Angie

:(bear):  hunni xx Have you eaten and drank something and took your meds ?

----------


## Jaquaia

I have, only just but I have done it.

----------


## Angie

Good, xx

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  :(bear):  :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

Rather then try and force studying, I've showered and started watching Brittania. Have to say I'm enjoying it! Although I think I'm pretty fragile at the moment. Been on the verge of tears a few times as I couldn't stop overthinking things.

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  lovely. How are you feeling this morning? I think you're right not to force the studying.. 
Have you had something to drink? Something to eat? Taken meds? 

What time's counselling?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm there now, appointment is in 10 minutes. Actually eaten and medicated and I will have a glass of water in my session.

Feeling a little meh today but J is picking me up  :):

----------


## Suzi

Well done love. Hope it goes well. Be honest. Tell them about Friday and show her your arm.

----------


## Paula

Thinking of you  :(bear):

----------


## Angie

:(bear):  hope the counselling goes well hunni x

----------


## Jaquaia

I showed her my arm. She's not impressed that the nurse didn't notice and didn't ask to see what I'd done. So she's emailing the clinical team and letting them know that secondary mental health have refused me any help and is going to see if she can get me another set of sessions. My counsellor is awesome!!! She's also said to tell my GP what happened.

----------


## Suzi

That's so good of her. I'm seriously proud that you told her and showed her! You seriously rock!

----------


## Paula

You were awesome today  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't think I've done anything amazing, and she said they might say no, but as I've been with them almost a year they sometimes allow it. She said she's on annual leave for the next 3 weeks so either someone from the office will get in touch or she'll ring me when she gets back, but until she gets a definitive answer she isn't discharging me.

----------


## Angie

Sounds like you have someone at least trying to help hunni and you are amazing please accept that is how we see you at least ?

----------


## S deleted

I’m not gonna tell you that you’re awesome because of today. 

I think you’re awesome EVERY DAY!!!

----------


## Suzi

I'm so glad she's fighting your corner love.

----------


## Jaquaia

At least someone is willing to

----------


## Suzi

Hey, we are too  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I know  :): 

I caught my arm earlier, have to admit that I did yelp! And J covered it earlier as it was itchy, in an effort to stop me scratching and he's commented that it's quite warm to the touch. So going to keep a very close eye on it.

----------


## Paula

Can you call the doctor in the morning?

----------


## Suzi

Please do call them lovely - or go to a walk in centre? But I really think your Dr should see it asap.

----------


## Jaquaia

It's less red and not as sore today so it's healing. I just always heal a bit weird

----------


## Suzi

Still might be worth it being seen?

----------


## Angie

I would still get it checked hunni x

----------


## Jaquaia

Fed up of my mood crashing. I was ok when I got up and started studying, actually got into it and was managing to focus. But had my mum shouting up at me for stuff that wasn't even important, my mum bringing a letter up that could have waited until I ventured downstairs and breaking my concentration, and that got the dog excited and she ended up getting caught in my charger and dragging my tablet off my bedside table, just fed up! I generally don't even get to have a shower in peace without my mum shouting up about the dog, or someone shouting up to see if I'm in the bathroom despite saying before I go up that I'm getting a shower. Or my mum coming up and asking if I'm decent as she was telling me some random  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: .

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  :(bear):  :(bear):

----------


## Paula

How are you doing now?

----------


## Jaquaia

Feeling really flat and low.

----------


## S deleted

Hedgehog

----------


## Suzi

Are you still keeping a mood diary?

----------


## Jaquaia

Kind of give up after Friday. Will get back on it though. 

Why do dentist use what feels like a bloody sander when cleaning your teeth? So much blood!!! And is there just me who avoids eye contact at all costs when they're hovering over your face?

----------


## Paula

Lol no, its so creepy. I know they have to do that but .....

----------


## Jaquaia

I had my spot on the ceiling chosen and he slid across into my eye line...

----------


## Suzi

*wanders in sees d word. Runs away*

----------


## Jaquaia

So J has dragged out of me everything that is bothering me! That man can read me like a book! But he always holds me as he gets me to let things out and I feel so safe and protected so I feel able to talk itms? 

Got to be social now as my brother is coming for tea. Is reading but being in the same room acceptable?

----------


## Suzi

So glad you've got everything out love. 

Hope that the social stuff wasn't too bad x

----------


## Jaquaia

I sat and read a book but I wasin the same room so that counts as social right?

----------


## Angie

It does to me

----------


## Suzi

It's definitely a good starting point...  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

Popped to Home Bargains, which I can normally cope with as I'm one of those straight in-straight out kind of shoppers. I only take my time and browse in book shops! But then my mum decided she wanted to come in with me and that's sent my stress levels through the roof!

----------


## Suzi

Marc and I have a good system. If he's in a "can handle" then we'll browse a bit, but if I'm stopping and looking and his anxiety gets worse he goes off to wander round a bit.
If he can't then he just says it's in and out only.

----------


## Jaquaia

My system is generally don't take my mother!!!

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  That also works lol

----------


## Jaquaia

My arm is sore again, as for some reason I can't even logic out, I've pulled the scab off. On the plus side, it's not itching anymore!

----------


## Suzi

Oh sweetheart, are you sure it's not infected?

----------


## Jaquaia

Pretty sure. At the doctors on wednesday though.

----------


## Angie

Please have them look while your there sweetie xx
I refused a lot of years ago to go shopping with my mother, she starts at one shop goes on to the next and the next and the next buying nothing you get the picture then goes back to the first shop and buys the first thing she saw drives me crackers, but then I hate shopping

----------


## Jaquaia

I will. Will show him the photos too. 

My mood is low again tonight. So fed up of everything and of fighting. So tonight, I'm going to put away the studying, get in my pjs, watch another episode of Britannia and read

----------


## Angie

Awww hunni  :(bear):  but pj's and a film sounds a good idea

----------


## Suzi

Absolutely stop and do something for you lovely.

----------


## Jaquaia

Watched an episode of Brittania, it really is brutal! And now got music on while I read.

----------


## Suzi

Haven't seen it... Rest and relax lovely.

----------


## Jaquaia

I haven't done any work yet today, I've just sat and read all day so far. The parents are at my sisters and I feel more at ease knowing I'm home alone then I have in ages.

----------


## Suzi

I can understand that...  :Panda:  Maybe today should be a rest day?

----------


## OldMike

Reading's good it takes your mind off things and you can't be working every day  :):

----------


## Angie

I'm always reading

----------


## Jaquaia

I've struggled reading lately but sticking with it. A bit more on edge now the parents are back

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're doing OK lovely.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm plodding. It feels like all I can do sometimes.

----------


## Angie

Ploddings ok hunni if that is getting you through xx

----------


## Jaquaia

My arm is really, really itchy!!!

----------


## Angie

Try to resist hunni

----------


## Suzi

Are you sure it's OK and doesn't need to be seen?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm sure. I think it's just because it's healing, but I've showered and it's eased it

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  :Panda:  :Panda:

----------


## Paula

How are you doing today, love?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm doing ok, irritable and a little on edge, but ok. Had surprise bloods taken as I complained to the nurse who was doing my mums about the one I'll be seeing tomorrow.

----------


## Suzi

Does that mean you won't need them done tomorrow? 
Are you keeping a record still of how you are feeling? 

What things have you got planned this week?

----------


## Jaquaia

Yes which means I don't have to get up early! Yay! Although have had to go back as the nurse rang my mum in a panic that she's got our bloods mixed up so had to have them taken again! 

I need to start it again. If I'm honest, I'm still feeling pretty disheartened about my assessment.

Plans this week are rheumy with my mum tomorrow afternoon, doctors wednesday for me, studying, seeing J when I can, reading, watching Britannia, maybe some drawing and potentially some housework!

----------


## Suzi

Oh no! Glad you get the lay in tomorrow though. 
Your week doesn't have anything fun built in......

----------


## Jaquaia

Reading, Britannia and drawing is fun to me!

----------


## Suzi

Fair enough - I love reading too! Currently reading "undercover princess" which Hazel got for her birthday and she handed it to me on Saturday with "you've just GOT to read this. I read it in 3 days!" It's actually pretty good lol

----------


## Jaquaia

I had a book when I was little about a unicorn that was bullied for being different. She was pink and all the other unicorns were white. I loved it! I was thinking about it the other week as me and J were talking about his little girl who loves unicorns bit I couldn't remember what it was called and it was starting to bug me! Well...finally remembered!!! It's called 'The Special Unicorn' and copies are going on amazon for between £44 and £245!!!!! And I think my mother gave my copy away!!!!

----------


## Suzi

WOW! That's a lot!! Was it an awesome story?

----------


## Angie

Opps about the bloods but least the nurse rang to make sure she got it all correct hunni x

----------


## Jaquaia

I've read much better but I loved the message that it was ok to be different. And y'know....unicorns!!!!

----------


## Suzi

Well obviously! (Hazel IS a unicorn, she told me so)

----------


## Jaquaia

I should feel bad but I don't. The consultant said to my mum about her stopping smoking on her own wouldn't do much good as she'd still be breathing it all in. So I commented that it could be why I've had to start a second medication, because breathing in all their second hand smoke is affecting how well the methotrexate works. Normally I hate saying anything that could make someone feel guilty, but not this time. Quite frankly, I'm  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ed off that her choices affect me. I don't smoke, I don't choose to smoke, have never even tried smoking, yet I've had to breathe in their second hand smoke for most of my life. It's irritating my throat and it can't be doing my joints any good either. I do whatever I can to help myself, I take my medication, I take anti-inflammatories when my joints are painful, I keep my hands moving to help relieve the stiffness, yet still I'm on on 2 medications, probably for the rest of my life. Yet my mum does nothing to help improve how effective her treatment is at all. She's doing none of the exercises the physio or OT has given her, no matter how much she lies about it. She isn't using the aids she's been given, only for appointments, and she continues to chain smoke. Just argh!  :@: 

Rant over

----------


## Paula

Well done you!

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you've got that out! I know you struggle with it and quite frankly even as an ex smoker it makes me furious how much this affects you.

----------


## Jaquaia

She just constantly comes out with the excuse "well your dad smokes so tell him"

My dad isn't home all day!!! She never seems to take any responsibility for herself at all.

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  I know how that one feels trying to deal with my own mother.

----------


## Jaquaia

Doctors in the morning, and as well as discussing how much help the secondary mental health team was, I need to remember to ask about my biopsy results as I haven't received them yet.

----------


## Suzi

What time in the morning? Are you going alone?

----------


## Jaquaia

9.10. I always go alone. I wouldn't be as open with my mum in with me and J is at work

----------


## Suzi

Be with you in spirit love...

----------


## Paula

:(bear):

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

I'll be ok. My gp is lovely. The secondary team may have written to him about my meds. If not I can always speak to him about starting mirtazapine alongside the paroxetine, or even maybe trying fluvoxamine or even vortioxetine. There's 2 I haven't tried.

----------


## Suzi

There's 2 I know nothing about too   :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

Google  :(giggle): 

Vortioxetine was only licensed a few years ago so it's fairly new, but apparently it can work well for people who haven't responded to other drugs.

----------


## Suzi

I love Google  :O:  I say hit him with a list and tell him that 2ndry services aren't able to help so he's going to have to. Maybe he'd like a google list of all anti depressants regularly used in the UK - of which there are 21 I believe, not just the 8.........  :O:

----------


## Paula

> Google 
> 
> Vortioxetine was only licensed a few years ago so it's fairly new, but apparently it can work well for people who haven't responded to other drugs.


Oh well done, love, smother him in research  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

And I've never tried a tricyclic either.

----------


## Suzi

So... How'd it go?

----------


## Jaquaia

Giving up for today. Git up early and showered and got ready, only to get a phone call asking if we could put it back to 20 past 10 as the doctor was struggling to get out of the village he lived in due to the snow. So feel like I've been up hours! 

My biopsy results aren't back yet and when my gp checked, he hasn't even got a record of it being done! He's getting the secretaries to chase it up. He's also had nothing back from the secondary team so is unwilling to touch my meds. Apparently methotrexate has a lot of contraindications, and tricyclics generally aren't given because of the increased side effects, although just discovered a tricyclic is out of the question because of the hydroxychloroquine. He's unwilling to try me with mirtazapine alongside the paroxetine without a psychiatrists say so as "it's not recommended to be on 2 antidepressants" and he's never even heard of vortioxetine. So we've agreed to hold on until he's heard back from the secondary team and look at it again.

----------


## Suzi

Oh that's really sh*t. I'm sorry love.

----------


## Paula

Oh ffs, most of the people I know are on 2 ADs  :@:

----------


## Jaquaia

Oooh! The doctor rang me back! They've found my biopsy results! It's showed some inflammation but no cancer cells or anything to worry about  :):

----------


## Suzi

Hooray!!! Well done Cervix!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl): 

Oh and he looked at my arm and said it isn't infected but it's healing slowly because of the methotrexate.

----------


## Paula

Double good news today then!!  :):

----------


## Suzi

Glad it's not infected lovely and am super proud of you for showing him!

----------


## Angie

There are lots of people on two anti depressants, am glad your arm is healing ok hunni and am glad about the biopsy results, hope that your resting now and being kind to yourself

----------


## Jaquaia

I am. Tomorrow is studying but not with it enough today, only had about 5 hours sleep.

----------


## Angie

Hope you sleep better tonight xx

----------


## Suzi

Can you try to relax and meditate or similar before bed and try to get a good nights sleep tonight?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm reading, but my hands are starting to flare up

----------


## Paula

Have you got anything you can take as a top up med?

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  Flares suck.... Try to rest a bit more?

----------


## Jaquaia

I have some ibuprofen which I'll take before bed. Just having a cup of chocolate ovaltine, will let the dog out, then I'm going to bed!

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  Sweet dreams lovely lady x

----------


## Paula

Hows your hands?

----------


## OldMike

> I have some ibuprofen which I'll take before bed. Just having a cup of chocolate ovaltine, will let the dog out, then I'm going to bed!


Not had Ovaltine for years, my pre-bed drink is hot chocolate these days.

Silly me I just noticed it was Chocolate Ovaltine so the best of both worlds  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

> Hows your hands?


A lot better thanks so the ibuprofen did the job. 

The plan today is studying! My next assignment is due in 2 weeks.

----------


## Paula

Good  :):

----------


## Jarre

thats one weight off your shoulders hun, do something nice for you today

----------


## Angie

Glad that the ibuprofen helped hunni, try and pace with the studying x

----------


## Suzi

How's your day been love?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've gotten engrossed in a book so studying hasn't happened! And spoken to J on the phone which was lovely  :):

----------


## Suzi

What's the book?

----------


## Paula

Getting engrossed in a book is always good  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

A Court of Mist and Fury by Sarah J Maas. It's the second book in a series about the fae courts.

----------


## Suzi

OO that sounds interesting...

----------


## Jaquaia

Slight panic. I'm going to a wedding in a little over 5 weeks. By myself. And I only know the bride and groom. And it's in Crewe...

----------


## Paula

Eeek! Do you have your outfit sorted? Is there any remote possibility J can go with you?

----------


## Jaquaia

I very much doubt it! Only got asked last night and he's one of my oldest and closest friends so I want to go. It's just Crewe on my own when I won't know anyone! 

Seen a dress I really like and was thinking that, black tights, black jacket and ankle boots. 
http://www.asos.com/prd/8835610

----------


## Niffler

That’s really pretty  :):  is there anyone you can take at all to make you feel a little more comfortable?

----------


## Paula

Thats gorgeous!

----------


## Jaquaia

No one at all  :(:

----------


## Niffler

Ok, well you have time to have an action plan in place. Coping plans I mean.....if you jot down any triggers you know and a resolution or anything you can work trough it that way? That way you won’t miss your close friends day! Do they know that you may feel this way? X

----------


## Suzi

That dress is lovely and you'll look drop dead gorgeous! 

Coping strategies can be worked on, are you staying in a hotel or something?

----------


## Jaquaia

I should let him know. I do need to ask him for details.

Don't know yet Suzi, he asked me to go at half 1 this morning.

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  Sounds awesome though!

----------


## Angie

That is gorgeous hunni

----------


## Jaquaia

It's just the length that's making me think twice

----------


## Suzi

Why? You'll look awesome - get it ,try it on and we'll be honest....

----------


## Paula

Ditto  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I will order it soon. And I've messaged him to ask for details

----------



----------


## Suzi

Woohoo!

----------



----------


## Jaquaia

Not a good day today. Already sat and cried this morning.

----------


## Jarre

Any idea whats started it today?

----------


## S deleted

Oh mate, what’s up?

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  lovely.. Hope you're doing a little brighter.

----------


## Jaquaia

I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. So reading as it distracts me.

----------


## Paula

Oh sweetheart  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Do you know why?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've woken up feeling like I am a despicable person and that I deserve to be alone as everyone would be better off without me

----------


## S deleted

I know I wouldn’t be better off without you. You’re one of the few people who is capable of removing my head from my arse for me. I’d be lost without your friendship.

----------

Jaquaia (03-03-18)

----------


## Paula

Youre one of the kindest, most caring people I know

----------

Jaquaia (03-03-18)

----------


## Suzi

You are so very far from despicable... I think you're kind, generous, intelligent, thoughtful, funny and a really good friend.

----------

Jaquaia (03-03-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I just feel completely broken today

----------


## S deleted

Wish I could do something to change that. You know where to find me if I can do anything.

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  Are you speaking to J later? You aren't broken lovely, but I wonder when you last let it all out was?

----------


## Mira

I know the feeling. Distraction is good. Because it will pass and then things will be a bit better again. Your ok.

----------

Jaquaia (03-03-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I feel anything but ok at the moment. 

We've been texting most of the afternoon and I know I have him worried, I don't like worrying him. I just can't hide it today

----------


## Suzi

IF you love him and he loves you then you shouldn't have to hide it.

----------


## S deleted

You don’t have to hide it here

----------


## Jaquaia

He agrees with you and is always telling me not to hide when I'm struggling as he wants to be there for me, just as I know that when I see him on Monday he won't say anything but just hold me tight until I'm ready to talk. It's a habit I got into with dickhead, because me talking about what I was struggling with was always "emotional blackmail"

----------


## Paula

Then have you told him now?

----------


## Jaquaia

I haven't. He knows I'm really low, he knows I'm tired of fighting, he knows I've been crying, but putting why in to words is incredibly difficult.

----------


## S deleted

Wanna try it out on us?

----------


## Angie

Huge hugs hunni you are a wonderful kind giving caring loving young women

----------

Jaquaia (03-03-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

> Wanna try it out on us?


I don't even know how to start working it out for myself

----------


## S deleted

Well if and when you wanna spill...

----------


## Paula

Can you explain one small thing? Maybe baby steps?

----------


## Jaquaia

J is incredibly annoying, has rang me to get it out of me, and when I tried to skirt around telling him, guessed what it was anyway... and was right! I'm not used to someone being able to read me so well. I know have orders to rest and make sure I drink.

----------


## Suzi

So go on, tell us.....

----------


## Jaquaia

It was a misunderstanding and with the frame of mind I'm in lately, especially waking up feeling like I did, all my insecurities raised their ugly head and the bad thoughts wouldn't quieten. They're not much quieter today, and he has been brilliant. He's the complete opposite to dickhead.

I'm trying to fight the dark thoughts but I am so, so tired. It's an effort to hold on.

----------


## S deleted

Spill bird. What’s going on?

----------


## Jaquaia

It was me adding 2 and 2 and getting 96. When you add that to me feeling like I don't deserve him on top of already feeling worthless and pathetic... then things become bigger issues then they need to be. Everything has become bigger then it needed to be. 

I know he loves me, his words and actions show me that every single day. I think when I'm feeling so low, I start thinking that I deserve how I've been treated in the past and that I'm not worthy. His answer to that is that no one has ever appreciated how awesome I am before.

----------


## S deleted

He’s wrong!!! I appreciate your awesomeness and I’m pretty confident I’m not alone. Admittedly I’m not looking for commitment and you’re not really my type but.....you rock!

----------

Paula (04-03-18)

----------


## Paula

No one deserves the treatment you got, especially not you

----------


## Jaquaia

He was meaning more previous exes, well, pretty much everyone who has treated me badly. 

I'll get there, it's just so hard to keep going at the moment.

----------


## S deleted

Sorry was just trying to add a bit of humour.

----------


## Jaquaia

I know. Was trying to avoid telling you you're not my type either  :O:  

Just feel.like I am in a very deep hole at the moment and I can't find a way out

----------


## Paula

*throwsaropeforyoutograb*

----------

Jaquaia (04-03-18)

----------


## Suzi

*hands Jaq a torch* We're here and we aren't going to leave you or run away or be scared off by what is going on in your head.  I wish you wouldn't bottle it all up though...

----------

Jaquaia (04-03-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Everything is such a tangle, I don't even know where to start.

----------


## S deleted

^^^wss

----------


## Paula

With just one thing, even if its the smallest thing.

----------


## Jaquaia

At the moment, everything feels huge. Just getting up in a morning takes hours

----------


## Paula

Can you take that baby step by baby step? Eg youre just getting out of bed to go to the loo etc

----------


## S deleted

Ok let’s do this. When you came up with the answer that 2+2=96, what was the problem exactly?

----------


## Suzi

Getting up being a struggle - is that because of mental or physical issues?

----------


## Jaquaia

Mental. It just takes so much energy. Just showering this morning was exhausting.

----------


## Suzi

Well done for showering though, I know it's hard .What are you up to today?

----------


## Paula

If showering, eating, drinking, medicated is all you manage today, thats awesome. Dont push yourself any further than that if its too much

----------


## Jaquaia

I want to try and do some studying. Even if I just do a little bit it's better then nothing.

----------


## Suzi

Maybe a little bit hunni, but don't push too hard.

----------


## S deleted

If you want to do it then give it a try. It might be a good distraction.

----------


## Jaquaia

I've come upstairs and just flopped. My body feels like lead today

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------


## Paula

Your body seems to be telling you to rest, so rest ....

----------

Angie (05-03-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I must study tomorrow. I have an assignment due next week

----------


## Paula

And resting today will mean youre more able to do it tomorrow  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I hope so. Not feeling very confident at the moment

----------


## Suzi

Then maybe you need to rest a bit more and be kind to yourself for a day or so?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm thinking of doing some drawing tonight. Not sure yet.

----------


## S deleted

Ooohhh, if you do you have to show me what you’ve done. I love your stuff.

----------


## Suzi

I think you need to share more of your drawing!

----------


## Angie

I agree with Suzi x

----------


## Jaquaia

I've started a drawing but struggling to keep going and not rip it up. I don't like anything I've done, I don't think it's good enough.

----------


## S deleted

That’s pretty much where I’m at today too.

----------


## Suzi

Don't rip it up. Show us tomorrow...

----------

Angie (05-03-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I've put it away and just settled with my film for now before I got too frustrated 

https://www.dropbox.com/s/a8p4wcpcko...04410.jpg?dl=0

----------


## Angie

Thats a really good start hunni

----------

Jaquaia (06-03-18)

----------


## Paula

Thats lovely, already  :):

----------

Jaquaia (06-03-18)

----------


## Suzi

Wow, that's brilliant!

----------

Jaquaia (06-03-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Really bad day today. The way I described it to J is my head is full of bad thoughts and they're twisting everything, they're questionning everything. I woke up on the verge of tears and wanting to scratch. It's hard going today.

----------


## Suzi

Can you get some of those thoughts out of your head?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't even know how to start. It's like they're one big, tangled, dark, seething mass. I don't know where one thought end and another begins.

----------


## Suzi

Just write a list. It's not impossible if we all help you work through it..

----------


## Angie

Jaq I get that and it feels impossible to untangle, can you maybe start with the first thing that comes to mind, don't try just the first thing that comes to mind?

----------


## Jaquaia

That's just it, everything just feels dark, like this huge oily stain. It feels like I have a huge knot in my chest and like I'm almost suffocating on it. I don't know how to make it stop. Everything just feels like a huge issue, I feel like I'm not worthy of anything good.

----------


## Suzi

but you are worthy of good things, of being treated much better, of being valued, loved and wanted - which you are here... 
Let it all out - not even in sentences, just mentally spew out everything that's horrible in your head...

----------


## Paula

Instinctively, without thinking, whats the first word/phrase that comes to you?

----------


## Jaquaia

Loser, pathetic, waste of space, waste of oxygen, people would be better off without me, horrible person, don't deserve to be happy, lazy, fat, disgusting, wish I could sleep and never wake up, deserve how I've been treated... I could probably go on.

----------


## Paula

Ok, lets take just one of those people would be better off without me. Can you justify that thought? Is is true? Do you have evidence to say its true?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm 34 and my dad is having to support me, I don't do much around the house as I don't have the energy, I have no friends locally I can spend time with because apparently betraying my trust is fine so I can't be worth that much to begin with, I'm tired of constantly making an effort with my brother and sister, I'm jealous and resentful of people getting the thongs they want in life, and I make J's life far more complicated then it needs to be. 

All that says to me that I'm not worth it

----------


## Paula

All of which I can, and will, tell you are not true but later. The one I really want you to realise is not valid is that of making Js life more complicated. When Si and I had been seeing each other for about a month, in secret, our mutual friends found out. We had one friend phone from Denmark, another taking Si out to talk to him, 2 more taking me out for lunch to tell me it was a bad idea. Even Sis mum told him it wasnt a great idea. Tbh, if Id been them Id have probably done the same - seeing your best friends ex wife less than 6 months after they split up is not sensible. But it just felt right and we were falling in love, so we carried on erm carrying on. We were right and over 19 years later were still crazy about each other. Love is always complicated and never easy but it is *always* worth it

----------

Jaquaia (06-03-18),selena (06-03-18)

----------


## S deleted

I can only tell you the way I see things and you know I want bull :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  you. 

At the age of 37, I found myself leaving my home and moving back in with my Dad cos I had no where else to go. A very similar situation to yours and if Dad was still alive I’d probably still be there. Sometimes in life we need to regroup and having met your parents there is no way they would sit back and see you struggle if they could help. That doesn’t make you a loser. It makes you fortunate to have loving family to support you in difficult times. 

As for a lack of local friends, well, you have in innocence, a purity about you (ok stop laughing cos I’m serious here). You see the good in everyone and unfortunately that brings the arse wipes of this world flocking so they can use you for what they want but offer nothing in return. When they get bored they move on. Trust me you don’t need those kind of people in your life. That said though if you want to make friends it helps to get out and meet people. There has to be a local book club or something to get you started?

And finally we get to J. Yeah I know I wasn’t happy about you being with him and I still think you should have waited but it is what it is, and although it’s not the perfect situation you aren’t the one making his life difficult and if that was the case he simply wouldn’t bother with you and putting my initial appreciation aside, I actually think that you are good for him. He needs someone to talk to who understands. Someone to support him and his actions have proven that he is there for you. He seems like a nice guy and I look forward to meeting him properly in the future.

----------

Jaquaia (06-03-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Paula, it feels right with him, I know it's not ideal at the moment but nothing has ever felt as right as being with him does. I am head over heels in love with him, and his words and actions show me every single day that he loves me. I don't know, part of me doesn't think he deserves having to put up with me while I'm like this. I said something similar to him yesterday. He asked me if I would apologise for having a cold, that I'm ill and it isn't my fault that I'm ill so I had no need to apologise whatsoever. And he told me that I was perfect the way I am. 

Stella, I often think I'm just gullible and I feel like a burden to my parents. They shouldn't have to be supporting me. I'm 34, reasonably intelligent, I should be out there working. I feel lkke a burden to J too at the moment.

----------


## Suzi

Actually I'm the only one of all 5 of us who HASN'T moved back in with my parents for an extended period. My sister moved back in with my Mum a couple of years ago and her and her children are still there and she's 38 this year. It's not something that is an exception to the rule anymore. 

J? If it's right then it's worth it. True love never runs easily and smoothly. Marc and I have struggled in the past with both of our health, and things have been far from straight forward or easy. But I adore every bit of him and so no matter how difficult it is I'll carry on fighting for him. Do I think I deserve him? F*** no. He's way better/braver/stronger/more good looking/funny/awesome than I'll ever be. But that's how it is and I'll take it....

----------


## Angie

Moving back with parents is getting really common believe me the amout of customers we have that cancel there contracts because of this reason is higher than you might think sweetie x

----------


## Paula

Onto you dont do much around the house ...... you look after your mum, you take her to all her appointments (practically a full time job right there), you deal with her medication, you nag her to make choices that would improve her life, you bake for crying out loud - youd be paying your full board doing that alone in my house!  What you do for her is something not many would do, and thats care. Wheres your brother and sister when that has to happen?

----------


## Jaquaia

My brother takes her to her appointments in S :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: horpe but that's it, though he lives in Grimsby. My sister does nothing, never has really. Neither of them have ever offered to go with her to an appointment so I can have a break.

----------


## Suzi

So maybe you aren't as useless as you think you are.....

----------


## Jaquaia

It's not really hard to sit and listen to the doctor.

----------


## Paula

You have got to be kidding! Weve seen how much those appointments take out of you, how exhausted and stressed you are and how long it takes you to recover! It is hard to do that, yet you never say you cant do it

----------


## Suzi

Ahh, but that's just it. It IS. It's not "just" listening to the dr is it? It's getting her up, medicated, dressed, to the appointment, sitting for the waiting time, listening to the Dr - telling them about things that she doesn't mention, explaining things to her, getting her home, making her lunch, trying to stop her from harmful behaviour such as smoking and setting the house alight.... Then it's going round and round in your head..... whilst you try to get on with so many other things that need to be done. That's all whilst also fighting your own pain, chronic illness, demons in your head, guilt, exhaustion, anxiety etc etc etc 
Don't ever tell me that all you do is "just listen to the Dr"....

----------


## Mira

Maybe, but its not easy either. 

Last week when I had my appointment with my therapist after we were done I thought that I came across realy superficial, like the most shallow person ever. And normaly I would not say that but last week I did. And she told me that she did not think that at all. And then she said that superficial shallow people do not need to see a therapist. And after thinking about it, yeah thats true.

I come and read your thread. And I can read that you are smart and caring. A allround nice person. And you where talking about you should work and you should do this and that. To me that makes you genuine. Because you want those things but at the moment its not that easy getting those things done. That puts you miles ahead of all the people that use other people. People that take advantage of other people because they are lazy and superficial.

So maybe sometimes you could tell yourself, hey I am ok. There are people that like me. So I am a likeable person.

----------

Jaquaia (06-03-18),Paula (06-03-18),S deleted (06-03-18),Suzi (06-03-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I just feel so utterly worthless and completely alone today. I don't want to be alone but I feel like I deserve to be.

----------


## Paula

Youre not alone  :(bear):

----------


## Suzi

You really aren't alone lovely...

----------


## Jaquaia

I feel so alone. Even my brother and sister rarely bother with me. I feel like if I disappeared, no one would miss me. I'm so tired of fighting now.

----------


## Paula

We would miss you, J would miss you

----------


## Suzi

I'd miss you. You really are so much more important than you'll ever know..

----------


## Jaquaia

I feel like I'm walking along a cliff edge that could crumble from under my feet at any moment. I feel utterly useless, I don't know what else I can do

----------


## Suzi

Trust that we have hold of ropes to hold on to you whilst you are finding things tough.

----------


## Jaquaia

Thank you. I want to get better, I'm just wondering if it will ever happen now

----------


## Suzi

IT will, but you have to keep putting one foot in front of the other until you get the right help love.

----------


## Jaquaia

I've spent the last hour and a half laid here listening to the neighbours pond and the birds in the trees  :(:

----------


## S deleted

Not great at that time of day but it sounds relaxing at least

----------


## Suzi

Was it relaxing? What's on your todo list today?

----------


## Jaquaia

It probably was but I wasn't all that relaxed. I eventually fell back to sleep around half 7

----------


## S deleted

Got much on the agenda today?

----------


## Paula

Hope youre taking it easy then

----------


## Jaquaia

J has just left, I don't think he let me go the entire time he was here. He's given me so many hugs and so much reassurance and I feel so lucky to have someone so caring and understanding. I'm not used to being treated like this.

I'm going to try and do a little bit of studying this afternoon.

----------


## Suzi

Glad you got to spend time with him.

----------


## Jaquaia

It did help, I feel a lot more peaceful and calm now. I still can't find the motivation to go and study though. Still not good really, just a little better.

----------


## Suzi

Feeling calmer is good. Have you managed to do any studying?

----------


## Jaquaia

I haven't. I hadn't realised just how tense I've been. Now I've spent some time with J and he's massaged my neck and shoulders, I've not as wound up and now have a tension headache. I've tidied some of my bookcase and got a homemade minestrone soup on the go for tea tomorrow. 

I've had a bit of a surprise today. I've received an appointment through the post to go and see the non-medical prescriber at the psychiatric unit. It's thrown me a bit as I thought they'd washed their hands of me. Wondering if this means that he thinks my treatment needs looking at further?

----------


## S deleted

Hey that all sounds good

----------


## Suzi

non medical prescriber? WTF is one of those?

----------


## Jaquaia

You tell me. That's what it says on the letter. She said nurse prescriber to me, which to me is medical!

----------


## Suzi

MHSW maybe?

----------


## Jaquaia

What's that when it's at home?

----------


## S deleted

Mental health social worker. I’m still waiting on the one I was promised back in 2008 lol

----------


## Jaquaia

Apparently it's the proper title for a nurse prescriber....why not just call it a fecking nurse prescriber???

----------


## Suzi

ROFL! Well at least we know...

----------


## Jaquaia

Head is thumping so settled down to watch tv. Was struggling being around the oldies.

----------


## Paula

Have you got any chamomile tea?

----------


## Jaquaia

God no! It's vile!

----------


## Suzi

Maybe you need a hot epsom salt bath and bed?

----------


## Jaquaia

Slight problem there...


No bath!

----------


## Suzi

Oh bugger! I've got a bath, come and use mine  :O:  I can't have a bath due to rubbish mobility....

----------


## Jaquaia

Hot chocolate and paracetamol before bed I think

----------


## Paula

How are you doing this morning?

----------


## Suzi

Morning! How are you feeling today lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not great. Woke up with the headache still behind my left eye. Trying to work up the energy to get out of bed too. Slightly less tense as J has just rang and given me orders to take it easy today too.

----------


## Suzi

Have you had that headache checked out?

----------


## Paula

You do get a lot of headaches ....

----------


## Jaquaia

No, it only started yesterday. And they tend to be tension headaches.

----------


## Flo

How is your neck? Sometimes when you're doing things in one position for a long time the nerves in your neck play up and send pain to your head. I'm not saying this is the problem you have but it's a possibility. Hope it feels better soon.

----------


## Jaquaia

My neck, shoulders and back feel really tight

----------


## Suzi

IT could be referred pain from there? I know I struggle with that. 

Are you resting this afternoon?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm attempting to study. The band is back behind my eyes and having to make a conscious effort not to grit my teeth so pretty sure it's a tension headache.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):   :(bear):  Can you try to meditate or rest to try to shift it a bit?

----------


## Jaquaia

My head is telling me I need to study, that I'm going to fail if I carry on like this. J has already told me I'm being too hard on myself.

----------


## Angie

hunni can you at least take regular breaks and by breaks I mead do something else or just not be near your study work etc then go back to it etc?

----------


## Suzi

Why push yourself to be studying when you are in pain and I assume are struggling with concentration? J is right.

----------


## Jaquaia

I've given up for tonight. My eyes are still hurting a bit, my hands are stiff and my guts have started.

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  Rest.. Please?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm laid in bed watching Not Going Out and texting J, so I am resting.

----------


## Angie

Good x

----------


## Suzi

Good. I'm glad.

----------


## Paula

How are you today?

----------


## Jaquaia

On edge and fighting my own mind! But showered at least

----------


## Paula

Whats the next baby step then?

----------


## Jaquaia

Well J has told me off because breakfast was only a slice of bread so I could take my meds, so just had some toast. Going to plod my way through a bit of studying this afternoon I think

----------


## Paula

Ok, lots of rest periods I hope

----------


## Jaquaia

I will try and pace. First job is buying tickets to go and see Travis in December though

----------


## Suzi

How you doing babe?

----------


## Jaquaia

Ok I suppose. Having an uphill battle to ignore the thoughts in my head. They're really persistent today. Not managed any studying but I've got tickets to see Travis and the seats are the first 2 seats on the balcony on the front row, so if either of us are struggling with anxiety that day we're not going to be hemmed in by people.

----------


## QPRFan

Great you got the tickets . Remember them in the 90s

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo! Who are you going with?

----------


## Jaquaia

Going with J. The album they're touring is one of the first ones either of us owned. He's going to see the Bluetones with me too.

----------


## Suzi

Awesome!

----------


## Angie

Brilliant

----------


## Jaquaia

Settled down watching Not Going Out again. Trying to drown out the thoughts in my head.

----------


## Suzi

Well done for distracting lovely.

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't really have another option.

----------


## Suzi

There are loads of options, but I'm glad you're pacing...

----------


## Jaquaia

The thoughts are starting to overwhelm me a bit now. I don't need to be bullied, I do a great job of it myself.

----------


## S deleted

Who’s bullying you?

----------


## Jaquaia

No one, just saying that I do a good job of it myself.

----------


## S deleted

Oh sorry, I misunderstood. Maybe you need to take a step back and try and look at some of these thoughts from a different angle.

----------


## Paula

How are you doing?

----------


## Suzi

Hi gorgeous, how are things?

----------


## Jaquaia

Woke up with another headache, trying to find the energy to get out of bed and on edge already. So I can see today being another good day.

----------


## Suzi

Do you know what's causing the headaches? Could it be something to do with your glasses? Are you drinking enough?

----------


## Jaquaia

Stress I think. The littlest things are irritating me at the moment so I'm constantly tense and clenching my jaw.

----------


## Suzi

OK what can you do to destress?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know. I may dig out an oil burner and try the chamomile and lavender oil I bought later. 

I've got a good chunk of studying done but my wrists are flaring now.

----------


## Paula

Did you use the oils?

----------


## Jaquaia

I haven't yet. Only just come back up after tea. Going to sort it soon as I can feel my mood sliding

----------


## QPRFan

Take care and relax . You have impeccable taste in music too .

----------


## Angie

Try the oil burner hun I have a electric wax melt pot dont have candles because of the cats and I love it

----------

Jaquaia (10-03-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I like a bit of everything!

----------



----------


## Suzi

Hope you're resting lovely.

----------


## Jaquaia

I've tried it, it's a bit overpowering so blown out the candle for now. 

I've settled down with series 3 of Not Going Out. Halfway through week 5 so not feeling as useless.

----------


## Suzi

Glad you're resting. It's really important.

----------


## Jaquaia

I feel like all I do is rest.

----------


## Suzi

You may feel like it, but I'm sure that's not the case...

----------


## Jaquaia

Maybe not. I just don't feel like I'm any use to anyone.

----------


## Suzi

Oh sweetheart  :Panda:  :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

You'd think I'd be used to feeling like this by now.

----------


## Suzi

I don't think you'll ever get used to it, which is a good thing. This will get better lovely.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not holding much hope, it hasn't really gotten better in 12 years.

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------

Jaquaia (11-03-18)

----------


## QPRFan

Fingers crossed it does .

----------


## Suzi

I'm sure it will lovely. It just takes time.

----------


## Jaquaia

Time? 12 years isn't enough time to see some significant improvement rather than a steady slide down?

----------


## Suzi

I know, I know, but sweetheart it's taken Marc much longer and it's only the last few months that there have been big developments - It doesn't matter how long it takes love...

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm just so tired

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing this morning lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tired. It's taken me a while to get going today.

----------


## Paula

> Time? 12 years isn't enough time to see some significant improvement rather than a steady slide down?


Hunni it took over 20 years before I got the right mix of meds, support etc so that I wasnt crashing every few months/weeks even. But I have now and, even though Im not well, nor ever expect to be, I am now well enough to cope and to have a life. Its not the life I dreamt of but I dont think anyone gets that. Its a good life and more than I expected. I hope you dont have to wait as long as I did for stability, enjoy the good things because, with time, those are the things your future is built on

----------

Suzi (12-03-18)

----------


## S deleted

> hunni it took over 20 years before i got the right mix of meds, support etc so that i wasn’t crashing every few months/weeks even. But i have now and, even though i’m not well, nor ever expect to be, i am now well enough to cope and to have a life. It’s not the life i dreamt of but i don’t think anyone gets that. It’s a good life and more than i expected. I hope you don’t have to wait as long as i did for stability, enjoy the good things because, with time, those are the things your future is built on


#epic post!!!

----------

Paula (12-03-18)

----------


## Suzi

Completely agree!

----------


## Angie

Another that agrees

----------


## Jaquaia

Ok I get it.

----------

Paula (12-03-18)

----------


## Suzi

How has the rest of your day gone?

----------


## Jaquaia

It was ok

----------


## Paula

And today? Youve gone very quiet, love

----------


## Jaquaia

Today is much the same. Struggling to get going.

----------


## Paula

Have you done the basics?

----------


## Jaquaia

With some orders from J, just about.

----------


## Suzi

Do you know why you're so down atm?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not a clue

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni... Anything to do with cycles?

----------


## Jaquaia

No, not had a proper period since September, just a bit of spotting. Everything just feels like an I'm scaling a mountain at the moment.

----------


## Suzi

Are you eating and drinking OK? What about sleeping? What about exercise? What about getting out of the house doing something that doesn't involve medical stuff? 
Sorry, loads of questions.

----------


## Jaquaia

Sort of, not really, some but so exhausted and not just physically, not often but try and go with my mum to get my dad so I'm getting some fresh air at least.

----------


## Suzi

OK Well there are things there which are going to help which you know, so I'm not going to preach... But I do wish I could help... Are you able to be kind to yourself lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm physically not hungry but am eating so I can take my meds. I'm slowly getting into the habit of sipping water throughout the day and always have a glass of orange juice first thing and a drink with tea, so doing the best I can with eating and drinking at the moment. 
I'm in bed by midnight every night, often earlier, yet rarely fall asleep before 1am and am always awake around half 4, 6 and 7. I try and switch my big light off by 9 and turn my tv off by 10, my window is open so my room is nice and cool, I've been using the essential oils and the blue light is permanently off on my phone. I'm doing what I can physically manage with exercise but I'm mentally exhausted and my body feels like lead. I hate going out as I don't like the area I live in. It feels too busy and noisy, I feel like I'm constantly looking over my shoulder so my anxiety goes through the roof. And I can't really be kind to myself tonight as I have a 900 words assignment due Thursday lunch.

----------


## Suzi

You sound so sad lovely....

----------


## Jaquaia

I cried on the phone to J sunday night, cried myself to sleep last night, and have already had a rant to my mum about a photograph today. I am so tired of finding every single day a battle.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:  sweetheart is there any way you could get out some more and find some way of getting local friends?

----------


## Jaquaia

I have no idea. The times I have gone out, my mums started with the "what if I need you" lines so I've given up. I find it very difficult going in to a group of people unless I know them. I still find it hard walking into the hotel bar in Manchester and I've known most of them 15 years. The only time my sister bothers with me is to send me pics of my niece, she's happy with her little family and loads of friends, and my brother never bothers with me unless I text him first, besides, he's got a new gf. I tried to make an effort to build bridges with my old friends and wasn't even worth a response. They assumed the worst of me, despite knowing me for a decade. They never once thought there might be something more to me withdrawing. 

Is there any wonder I think people will be better off without me?

----------


## Suzi

Maybe it's time to do something different? Do you walk Talia? What about trying something like meetup or spice? 

As for your Mum - what did she do before you moved back in? I know that one as my little sister has exactly the same with my Mum...

----------


## Jaquaia

I walk Talia when I can. Like I said, where I live sends my anxiety through the roof and I'm constantly looking over my shoulder when I'm out. No idea what meetup or spice are. Never heard of them. Different? Like what? Going places on my own places me on the edge of panic. I get very paranoid and very agitated and anxious and I spend the next few days exhausted. So it's trying to find a balance between loneliness or being terrified. At the moment, loneliness is the lesser of 2 evils. 

My mum says she's trying to have a joke with me and I'm being oversensitive.

----------


## Suzi

Meetup - https://www.meetup.com/
Spice - http://www.spiceuk.com/home?handshak...e#.WqjSj2hl_rc

They are both ways of meeting up with people who have similar interests etc. 

Have you spoken to your GP about the anxiety and panic  you have about going out?

----------


## Jaquaia

Spice seems to be more York/Leeds/Sheffield way. There isn't a lot on meetup but I'll have a look at what there is.

J has just left. I have strict orders to take it easy with studying. And to make sure I drink. He also made sure I've eaten. He's encouraged me to email my tutor and let him know how much I'm struggling at the moment too. My tutor has been awesome and given me an extension until Monday. 

I'm not used to being looked after. I'm not used to being held while I cry or having my feelings put first. I'm not used to having my fears listened to and being reassured freely and with no resentment. I'm not used to childish behaviour purely because it makes me laugh so hard my ribs hurt, purely because he wants to see me laugh and smile. Is this what it's meant to be like?

----------


## Suzi

What about something like a book club? 
Glad you've contacted your tutor. You know that this isn't something that they won't have come across before. 

Yes, that's exactly what it's meant to be like.

----------

Jaquaia (14-03-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I've seen one book club on there so will look. I know, still didn't stop the panic though. 

So, so tired now.

----------


## Paula

Yes, yes, yes thats what its like!

----------

Jaquaia (14-03-18)

----------


## Suzi

Tired is expected after a day of emotion and stress.

----------


## Jaquaia

Am I just being a tit? Booking a hotel for my mates wedding felt far more stressful then it needed to be

----------


## Paula

No, those things that should be straight forward are usually the things that trip me up too

----------


## Suzi

Oh dear God no, things like that are manically difficult for me too..

----------


## Jaquaia

Well it's booked and happens to be opposite the train station! Will book train tickets when I get paid on friday, then just need to purchase my dress!

----------


## Suzi

Awesome! Well done love!

----------


## Jaquaia

I think it's the only thing I've actually achieved today

----------


## Suzi

Well it's an awesome thing to have achieved! I've cleaned a windowsill and found my dining room table!

----------


## Angie

Well done  :):

----------

Suzi (15-03-18)

----------


## Suzi

How are you this morning? What's on the agenda for today?

----------


## Jaquaia

I need to study today and will have the Morrisons shop to sort out

----------


## Paula

Can you ask the delivery driver to help if youre on your own? Mine happily take the boxes upstairs into the kitchen. It might make things a little easier ...

----------


## Jaquaia

I can handle the shopping usually and next week my dad can do it. Just tired, have a tension headache again, have cried once so far and I may have got a little overwhelmed last night  :(:

----------


## Paula

What happened?

----------


## Jaquaia

Nothing happened. My mood dive bombed and I was struggling to deal with it. I ended up drawing blood

----------


## S deleted

And you didn’t contact me or anyone else because....

----------


## Jaquaia

Erm....

Because it was late, I didn't want to bother anyone and everyone has their own problems...

----------


## Suzi

Oh sweetheart  :Panda:  Is it clean and dressed?

----------

Jaquaia (15-03-18)

----------


## Angie

:(bear):  sweetheart huge huge hugs xx

----------

Jaquaia (15-03-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

It's clean but doesn't need dressing as it's not deep. Was just deep enough to bleed.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (15-03-18)

----------


## Suzi

How you doing this evening?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not great. I'm on edge and agitated.

----------


## Suzi

What are you doing to distract?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm laid in bed watching Not Going Out. J has just talked me through a meltdown so trying to do the sensible thing and relax

----------


## Suzi

Oh sweetheart.. Is it worth trying to see your GP tomorrow and telling them how bad things are?

----------


## Paula

Hope you get a decent nights sleep  :(bear):

----------

Jaquaia (15-03-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

There's nothing he'll do at the moment, not until I've seen the nurse prescriber. I'll survive. It just feels like an impossible task at the moment.

----------


## Suzi

How long until you see them? Sorry, I can't keep track of my own appointments atm....

----------


## Jaquaia

10th April

----------


## Suzi

Worth calling to see if they can add you to a cancellation list or something?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm lucky to be getting seen so soon.

----------


## Suzi

I know, but call and see on the off chance?

----------


## Jaquaia

I ended up falling back to sleep and had a pretty horrible dream. My teeth shattered and my mouth was pouring with blood but no one would help me. The bleeding wouldn't stop. I was almost choking on my own blood and people just stood around me watching. 

I have no idea what it means but it's set me on edge.

----------


## Paula

Oh sweetie thats horrible  :(bear):

----------


## S deleted

Dreams about teeth falling out is supposedly a sign of anxiety.

----------


## Suzi

Ouch, that's a horrible nightmare to have had. So sorry lovely.

----------


## Jaquaia

It's been on my mind a lot of the day. I've never had a bad dream I've remembered before.

----------


## Angie

:(bear): hunni can you find something to distract you from the thoughts about it ?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've been re-reading my textbook and highlighting bits. It's still there at the back of my mind though.

----------


## Angie

Its not always easy to distract I know xx

----------


## Jaquaia

It's not, but I am trying.

----------


## Angie

All you can do is try sweetie which is somthing you always are doing xx

----------


## Flo

Dreams are sometimes linked with what you've seen on tv or something you've read, or maybe either what you've heard or someone telling you recently. Have a think, you might just come up with why. I have had a few dreams - nightmares - about my teeth falling out and my mouth being full of broken teeth, like having a mouthful of pebbles! Silly this may seem but the old advice of don't eat cheese before you go to bed, isn't as ridiculous as it sounds. Apparently because of it's high density and fat content it's hard to digest, and there's so much going on with the brain that everything becomes distorted...including dreams.

----------


## Jaquaia

I very rarely eat cheese as I'm not actually keen on it. And don't watch much tv at all.

----------


## Flo

> I very rarely eat cheese as I'm not actually keen on it. And don't watch much tv at all.


Well that rules that out then! :(doh):

----------


## Angie

Caffeine or chocolate are others they say not to have before bed

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't drink coffee, had 1 cup of tea in the last 9 months or so and that was in the morning, and haven't been eating much chocolate.

----------


## Paula

Maybe its best to try not to overthink it and put it to the back of your mind?

----------


## Suzi

Can you try meditation or mindfulness?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm watching tv and taken my anxiety meds so slightly calmer

----------


## Suzi

Calmer is good.

----------


## Angie

Glad your a bit calmer hunni x

----------


## Jaquaia

I think because my anxiety has been so high, the affect my anxiety meds have had is more noticeable. It's definitely helped settling down to watch tv on my own.

----------


## Suzi

That's really positive. How are you this morning?

----------


## Paula

How often are you taking your anxiety meds? What are they and are they regular or prn?

----------


## Jaquaia

Slightly better this morning, though it's taken me a couple of hours to get out of bed and my dad is now officially retired so double the people to deal with!  :(: 

Paula, it's just propanolol, 40mg 3 times a day. The physical symptoms were affecting me the most yesterday so they made a huge difference. My gp won't give me any diazepam for when it's really bad, even though 40 2mg tablets lasted me 2 and a half years.

----------


## Suzi

I'm just glad that it helped lovely.

----------


## Jaquaia

Music is helping a lot today too

----------


## Suzi

I've got our complete music collection on "shuffle" so it's really random.. "Pie Jesu" followed by "Smack my b*tch up"  :(rofl):

----------

S deleted (17-03-18)

----------


## Flo

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better today. I take prop. too. Dr's close ranks when it comes to Diazepam. I don't abuse them either. My last strip lasted me 2 years as well. I can't afford to get addicted to them, but the odd 2mg can save an entire day of misery sometimes.

----------


## Jaquaia

Diazepam would have made the last couple of days so much easier for me.

----------


## Suzi

Why won't they give you a couple just in case you need them?

----------


## Jaquaia

I think it's the whole addictive thing, even though I told him how rarely I use them.

----------


## Suzi

Maybe you need to explain to him how bad you can be and that when it's out of hours it's incredibly difficult to sort...

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm fed up of explaining how bad it can be.

----------


## Flo

If you only knew the amount of times I wished I could plant my head on a doctors neck and say "Well put up with that for a week!" I doubt they'd put up with it for long. To be fair though, although the docs here aren't too bad Gorgeous Graham in Scotland was quite understanding. Possibly because he was so ill at one point. Is you BF with you at the weekend? He sounds very empathetic and kind.

----------


## Suzi

Maybe you need to tell him more often? Or get J to come to an appointment with you - he's seen how bad you feel at times....

----------


## Jaquaia

He's working this weekend. He's usually with the family on a weekend. He is awesome, but struggling himself today. He's so empathetic because he understands sadly.




> Maybe you need to tell him more often? Or get J to come to an appointment with you - he's seen how bad you feel at times....


He would try if I asked him to but he's struggling enough with his own mental health.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  :(bear):  to you both!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm trying to weigh up going to this wedding at the moment. I realised last night that my appointment with the nurse prescriber is the same day.  My appointment is half 9 and could take up to an hour. I wouldn't get to the station much before 11. The train won't get to Crewe until half 2, then I would need to check in, get changed, race to get to the town hall and it would just be hugely stressful. I could rearrange my appointment but I know how lucky I am to have got one so soon. I've talked it through with J and he thinks with how ill I've been over the past week or so, I really need this appointment and that my friend would understand.

----------


## Flo

I feel for you both. But ironically, at least you both have a full understanding of each others struggles....sadly, as you say. He sounds very sweet.

----------


## Jaquaia

> I feel for you both. But ironically, at least you both have a full understanding of each others struggles....sadly, as you say. He sounds very sweet.


He is one of the sweetest men I've ever had the good fortune to meet  :):

----------


## Paula

I tend to agree that the appointment is vital. The real question is, whether you want to go to the wedding ...

----------


## Suzi

I'm with the others. The appointment has to come first I think. But you could call and see if there was a cancellation beforehand or something? But it depends do you want to go to the wedding or are you going because you think you should?

----------


## Jaquaia

Honestly? I'm terrified of going on my own and knowing no one other then the bride and groom is affecting my anxiety. And then I've only met the bride once! I want to go because he's one of my oldest friends but knowing how I've been lately worries me.

----------


## Suzi

I don't think I'd find that situation very easy either, and I don't have the same anxiety issues you do. If he's one of your oldest friends then he'll understand...

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm trying to.build up the courage to talk to him

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------


## Suzi

He's an old friend lovely, I'm sure it'll be OK.

----------

Angie (18-03-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I know you're right. Focusing on my assignment for now. It's slow going but I'm getting there

----------


## Angie

Getting there is good hun and slow going is fine

----------

Jaquaia (18-03-18)

----------


## Suzi

Taking any time for you?

----------


## Jaquaia

I can't. I need to finish this essay but I stopped for tea and I'm going to grab a shower before I carry on

----------


## Suzi

OK love, but don't push yourself too hard.

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't have a choice, my deadline is tomorrow.

----------


## Suzi

You can do it. I have every faith in you.

----------


## Jaquaia

191 words to go and I've been doing my referencing as I go along! Kill me now!

----------


## Suzi

Did you finish?

----------


## Flo

I bet she has...she's not a quitter!

----------

Jaquaia (19-03-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I finally submitted it at 1am. Tired now and my hands are flaring.

----------


## Paula

Be very proud, love, thats a massive achievement! Now rest

----------


## Jaquaia

I was awake at half 6, managed to doze off again about half 7/8 but woke up with a headache and feeling pretty low now.

----------


## Angie

Agree with Paula please rest now hunni

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm out with the parents at the moment, I needed dog food and I've got a check to put in the bank.

----------


## Suzi

Can you do something to reward yourself for getting it done?

----------

Angie (19-03-18)

----------


## Paula

We all know that moods drops when were tired. So please do yourself a favour and rest today

----------


## Jaquaia

Urgh! You can tell I'm tired! I spelt cheque like an american!  :^): 

J is popping round after work so he'll make me rest.

----------


## Paula

Cant you make yourself before that?

----------


## Jaquaia

I could but my dad will rope me into helping him put the freezer shop away and the dog food is frozen so I need to get that put away too. I suppose I need to eat too

----------


## Jaquaia

I've got my feedback already!!! 90%!!!  :(party):

----------

S deleted (19-03-18)

----------


## Angie

Yay well done hunni xx

----------

Jaquaia (19-03-18)

----------


## magie06

That's wonderful. Well done.

----------

Jaquaia (19-03-18)

----------


## Paula

Never doubted you for a second!  :):

----------

Jaquaia (19-03-18)

----------


## Suzi

Congratulations lovely! That's awesome!

----------

Jaquaia (19-03-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I made a few silly mistakes on the self reflection and the forum posting but got some awesome feedback on my essay and scored 84 for that alone, so I'm trying to focus on that and not on my mistakes.

----------


## Suzi

Learn from your mistakes, but focus on the positives lovely.

----------

Jaquaia (19-03-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

J said the same. 

Tonight is me, some candles and a movie! There's something so soothing about candle light.

----------

Paula (19-03-18),S deleted (19-03-18)

----------


## Suzi

There really is.

----------


## Jaquaia

Not getting very far with anything today. I didn't fall asleep until about half 12 amd I was so wide awake by 4am that I was on the phone to J as he drove to work at half 4! Didn't fall back to sleep until half 7 either.

----------


## Suzi

Maybe a self care day is needed?

----------


## Jaquaia

Was going to start some knitting but my hands are stiff. Trying to weigh up if knitting will help loosen them and help maintain their movement, or if it will just set off a flare up.

----------


## magie06

Could you give the knitting a try and put it down if your hands get stiff?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm pottering for now and see if the stiffness goes. The problem I have is it's the next day I suffer if I'm going to flare.

----------


## magie06

I see. At the moment, my elbow is flairing when I knit. But I'm a bit stubborn and I just keep going.

----------


## Suzi

How did the rest of the day go love?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've done nothing but hide in my room. Mood is divebombing but have no energy to do anything at the moment. And I feel stupid that an email from a friend can bring me to the point of tears. He always manages to make me feel like I'm not enough. He doesn't understand mental illness, never really has and I know it's probably me reading more into what he said, but I'm fed up of being made to feel like I just don't try hard enough, like how I feel about things is irrational and stupid. I'm fed up of it always being hinted at that I'm rude and ignorant, despite telling him that my memory isn't great so I sometimes forget to reply. And I'm fed up of being so weak and pathetic that I can't permanently cut ties because I have so few friends who actually bother with me, that even one that makes me feel like that is better than no one.

Just needed to get that off my chest!

----------


## Suzi

Can we see the email and help you with an instructional response - from me it might just be a swift "F off you ignorant twat!" You certainly don't need "friends" like that...

----------


## Paula

Oh please let me at him! How dare he  :@:  :@:  :@:

----------


## Jaquaia

We'd been talking about exercising and I said about needing to find space for my exercise bike. He made a remark about wearing lycra and I commented not with my arse. I said it would make me feel self-conscious and his response was that I'd be on my own so why would I feel self conscious? It just made me feel really irrational. Just like the other day, I said my head hasn't been in a good place and his response was he would have thought I'd be the happiest I've ever been with me studying again and having J. It made me feel like I had no right to be struggling as much as I have been. 

I don't know if I'm being oversensitive or not.

----------


## Paula

We all know this illness doesnt discriminate. How ill you are has very little to do with current circumstances - he obviously knows nothing about depression and it sounds like he doesnt want to know but, as your friend, the least he can do is trust you when you say youre struggling and just be someone you can lean on.

----------


## Jaquaia

I just feel like I have to explain myself constantly. He makes me feel cornered and overly dramatic.

----------


## Suzi

Definitely not over reacting! How dare he? PLEASE let us educate him...

----------


## Jaquaia

> Well if you are home alone spinning there is nothingto be self conscious about. Blimey, if you saw how little I am wearing to go to the gym tonight. I don't really worry about it. I hope you get on well with the bike, it is really good for you.





> Why is your head not in a great place? Apart from the pain which I am sure doesn't help, I would have thought you would be the happiest I have known you. With the new man who is good for you and getting back into education I would expect things to be great.


I just feel talked down to when he replies like that ^^^ like I'm making nothing into an issue

----------


## Paula

Apart from the pain??? 

No, love, youre not making nothing an issue, not in the slightest

----------


## Jaquaia

Even when I mention struggle with my work "well if you actually care about my advice..."

----------


## Suzi

I'm sorry for speaking out of place, but he's being such a w*nker.

----------


## Paula

^^^wss

----------


## Jaquaia

Suzi, that did make me giggle. I was thinking pompous arse but your way works better!  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

At least I've made you smile.. So, can we help to educate him?

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh I've tried before and got the 'get a job, help yourself' speech from him. He'll need me before I need him. Besides, I have you guys and I have J who is absolutely brilliant, especially when I'm poorly.

----------


## Paula

Couldnt have said it better. You dont need someone in your life who speaks to you like that

----------


## magie06

That sounds positive. It sounds like it's been a good (ish) day?

----------


## Jaquaia

I struggled to get up, have had very little energy or motivation, but I did get to spend a couple of hours cuddled up with J  :):

----------


## Suzi

Struggling is one thing, but you pushed through and did it. You rock!

----------


## Jaquaia

Hospital with the mother tomorrow and want to do some studying. Should be fun

----------


## Suzi

Can you take some time out to do something fun?

----------


## Jaquaia

I can try. It just seems like hard work. I've ordered a new diamond pic but it will take a while to arrive. I have rheumatology next week and my 18 month review on wednesday and that's after another appointment for my mum

----------


## Suzi

Can you go out to the library? A walk? Out for a coffee?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've finished watching National Treasure with Robbie Coltrane and Julie Walters. It's excellent but could be very triggering for some people. J recommended it and then spent the rest of the day worrying in case it triggered me!

----------


## Suzi

I've seen that! I agree, really brilliantly done - but could trigger.. 

How are you feeling today?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tired, headachey, on edge. Will be going to the hospital with the mother in a bit. Just going to take a book and sit in reception.

----------


## Paula

*hugs* for having to do another hospital run. I really wish I had something to say that would be of more help to you right now. But I dont so will just leave this  :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

Ended up sat in the reception for a good hour but got through a good chunk of my book. Only thing is I didn't realise it would take so long so I've skipped lunch and not had a drink so feeling sick and headachey

----------


## Paula

Have you remedied that now?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've picked at a few things, have a drink and have taken some paracetamol. My dads starting tea so was no point getting something proper.

----------


## Suzi

Have you eaten yet?

----------


## Jaquaia

About half an hour ago. Just feeling a bit bleh tonight. Not helped by being on edge and clenching my jaw, which is contributing to my headache!

----------


## Angie

Can you find something that will help to distract you and also help you to relax?

----------


## Suzi

(hugs) Sweetheart is there anything you could do which would be calming and for you?

----------


## Jaquaia

I forgot to charge my tablet so going to read

----------


## Angie

I read to relax well try to specially when going to bed at night x

----------


## Suzi

Reading is calming...

----------


## Jaquaia

I know that one. I'm often still awake well after 1am

----------


## Jaquaia

Not firing on all cylinders at all today! In fact, I'd describe my mood as giddy! Hopefully be able to sleep tonight.

----------


## Suzi

Hope you do get some sleep tonight gorgeous.

----------


## Jaquaia

I should sleep! Had a nice, relaxing afternoon with J at least so I have rested. Have given up on studying and will just read instead. Ordered myself another diamond painting so can't wait for that to arrive

----------


## Paula

Glad you got some quality time with J  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

It's probably the only time I really relax

----------


## Suzi

Hope you sleep well tonight lovely x

----------


## Jaquaia

It would be nice! Annoyingly, I am still wide awake. Watched the first 2 episodes of No Angels on all4. My mum kept coming up and disturbing me so not as relaxed as I might have been.

----------


## Suzi

What did she want? 

Hope you did get some sleep lovely.

----------


## Paula

Morning, lovely, how are you?

----------


## Jaquaia

Just random rubbish! Had I heard anything in the garden as Talia was being difficult coming in, did I want a hot chocolate making. No! I just wanted leaving alone so I could unwind! 

Finally fell asleep about half 12, woke up briefly about half 6 and properly about half 9 so yay! Shoulder is aching though and my hands are flaring a bit but hopefully that will wear off.

----------


## Suzi

Hopefully they'll ease off....

----------


## Jaquaia

Fingers crossed!!! If I could actually cross my fingers...

The plan is studying today, then Despicable Me 3 is the new film on sky movies  :(party):

----------


## Suzi

The crossing of ones fingers is, imho, completely overrated! *no, I can't cross mine either!*
Love Despicable me films!

----------


## Paula

Yep, also clapping hands, handshakes ......  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't even know when I stopped being able to do it!

----------


## Suzi

Me neither lol

----------


## Jaquaia

J said the sweetest and most romantic thing I've ever heard last night. He asked me if I've seen Up, and then told me that he wanted us to be like the couple in that. I pretty much melted! That is the sweetest thing I've ever heard  :(inlove): 

Need to get my butt out of bed but no energy!

----------


## Suzi

Awwwwww I love UP! That's a wonderful thing for him to have said.

----------


## Jaquaia

The parents are out so enjoying the peace, except I'm on edge. I always get paranoid when I'm home alone.

----------


## Suzi

Why? Is there anything you can do to help to calm you a bit?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know. I think it's generally being anxious and not liking this area, knowing what it's like. I'm currently watching tv but might go and do some studying

----------


## Suzi

Calming  with studying sounds like a plan...

----------


## Paula

Hope it helps, lovely

----------


## Jaquaia

Not done any studying, as J asked me to ring him. Spent the last hour on the phone with him which was nice  :):  He needed cheering up and I feel a lot calmer  :):

----------

S deleted (24-03-18)

----------


## Suzi

AS long as you managed to calm down lovely....

How are you feeling today?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tired, having a flare up, usual really.

----------


## Suzi

You seem to be flaring a lot - have you kept a note of it and shown it to your rhuematologist? When do you see them next?

----------


## Jaquaia

It's usually a joint feeling uncomfortable which wears off after an hour or so. This is both wrists and up into the base of my thumb throbbing. See my rheumy tuesday.

----------


## Suzi

My friend has the same, she has found ice helps or just cold water for ankles and wrists.. I can't use ice/cold as it sets other things off, but heat helps me..

----------


## Jaquaia

It's easing off a lot but not feeling with it at all today.

----------


## Paula

I know that feeling today  :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

Decided that instead of sitting at home and vegetating, I'm going to go with the oldies and have squishes with Scarlett!  :):

----------

S deleted (25-03-18)

----------


## Flo

What a lovely idea. Lots of chubby soft skin will brighten anyone's day. Is she walking yet? Can't remember how old she is.

----------


## Angie

Sounds like a nice way to spend some time hunni x

----------


## Jaquaia

She's 8 months old now Flo. She's getting very close to crawling and can pull herself up to her knees. 

She's full of cold at the moment bless her! But Auntie Jaq got cuddles, granny and grandad didn't  :(giggle): 

Home now to.do... something. No idea what, just something!

----------


## Angie

Awww bless her sounds like you had a good visit.

----------


## Paula

I miss getting aunty cuddles, my nephews are hulking teenagers now (ones already 62 and hes only 15!). Still, in the dim distant future when my grand babies come along .......  :(giggle):

----------


## Jaquaia

I did. She's such a happy smiley baby.

To be fair Paula, she tried to get my boobs and when I told her  no, went for trying to grab my glasses and pulling my hair, but I'll take that as a win!  :(rofl): 

Vegging now, shattered and not in the best of moods.

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

Awww  :O:  Love baby squishes!

----------


## Jaquaia

I need a nap me thinks

----------


## Flo

Scarlett sounds a little sweetie and she knows who she's comfortable with! I expect you'll be on the baby sitting rota PDQ!

----------


## Suzi

Hope you sleep well tonight lovely x

----------


## Jaquaia

PDQ???

I've had to promise J that I'll go to bed at the same time as him, apparently a nap this afternoon doesn't count.

----------


## Suzi

Pretty Dam Quick  :O:  

Hope you do get to bed and get some sleep..

----------

Flo (26-03-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Ohhhhh! 

I'm under strict orders to settle down and rest so I'm doing as I'm told and watching coupling.

----------


## Suzi

How did you sleep lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

I was awake at 5am, got to sleep just after midnight, and fell asleep again just after 7. Had about 7 hours in total.

----------


## Suzi

How are you feeling today? Is that more sleep than normal?

----------


## Jaquaia

It is more then normal and had a nap cuddled up with J too.

----------


## Paula

How are you feeling?

----------


## Jaquaia

A bit meh. Have let my friend know I can't make his wedding and feel guilty even though he was fine with it. Wish I could do more for J as he's really struggling at the moment. And got a few things praying on my mind. Need to stop spending too. I was shopping for new bedding at half 5 this morning.

----------


## Suzi

Well done for talking to your friend. Somewhere you know that you need to get you stable and better before you take on everything for J or anyone else. All you can do now is listen and do all I imagine you are doing...

Why are you spending?

----------


## Jaquaia

"I'm going to take a little break" I said. Some me time I thought, where I didn't feel that I had to be here in case we have a spambot infestation, just me and some knitting/cross stitch when it arrives/boxsets/drawing/books and just generally try and recharge my batteries... That lasted long!

Seems my life has other ideas, more of a "ha!  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  you! Easy life my arse! You've not suffered enough yet so think again!"

Today has thrown at me a couple of hundred pound council tax bill, an hour sat in rheumatology, a comment about my weight masking inflammation, and long discussion involving various people about my unstable mental health, aforementioned unstable mental health preventing a steroid injection to help with the inflammation, and the knowledge that I have rheumy appointments every Tuesday for the next 6 weeks while I learn how to inject myself...

Anything else??? Not quite on my arse yet so I can take a bit more  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: !!!

----------


## Paula

Oh sweetheart, thats crap  :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

Apparently my body might not be absorbing the methotrexate properly so it isn't being as effective as it could be.

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni I'm so sorry.... I wish it was better news for you. x

----------


## Jaquaia

I never usually get a break so I don't know why I was expecting one this time. It just seems to be one thing after another.

----------


## Paula

Are there any other options meds wise?

----------


## Jaquaia

Methotrexate is the best one and has made a huge difference for me.

----------


## magie06

I wish i lived nearer so I could call round and give you a hug.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm really struggling to tolerate my mum tonight which isn't helping!

----------


## Suzi

Can they not add anything in to help you to tolerate it?

----------


## Jaquaia

What? My mum?  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Erm, that I don't know what to do - I know my sister calls me and lets off steam with our Mum and whilst she's at work I speak to her on the phone - I'm not close enough to get there and physically help, so I do it on the phone....

----------


## Jaquaia

She sighed earlier and I asked why. "To try and catch my breath, I'm a bit breathless today"

She has a cig in her hand.....

Or complaining about her hand and how many side effects the biological they're thinking of putting her on potentially could have. Again, while smoking...

----------


## Angie

Oh hunni your braver than me learning how to inject yourself they would never get me to do that

----------


## Jaquaia

Apparently it's like an insulin injection so it doesn't sound all that bad...I hope.

----------


## Paula

Its amazing how quickly you get used to it

----------


## Jaquaia

I hope so. Once they're happy that I can do it properly someone will deliver it to my house every 3 months. Or that's what the consultant said.

----------


## Suzi

OO what's the name of it, I have a friend who does her own and it's delivered every 3 months. She also has B12 injections too (I'm on the tablets) I could put you in touch on FB if you wanted? She's awesome, just like you are!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'll let you know on Tuesday!!! That's when I have my first one! Must remember to ask for a purple book too!

----------


## Suzi

OOO a purple book sounds cool!

----------


## Jaquaia

I've just been naughty!!!

----------


## Paula

Spill!!

----------


## Jaquaia

Suzi will find out next week  :(angel):

----------

Paula (28-03-18)

----------


## Suzi

Should I be concerned? What will I find out?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not concerned! Just wait and see!  :O:

----------


## OldMike

> I've just been naughty!!!


Ooo naughty but nice, sounds intriguing  :O:

----------


## Suzi

> Not concerned! Just wait and see!


Should I be scared?

----------


## Jaquaia

Nope. I promise it's a good thing!

----------


## Suzi

OK... I think... lol

----------


## Jaquaia

So today has been buying tickets to go see James in Scarborough in August! So excited as I love James!!! New bedding, and I've lifted my mattress and hoovered under the bed so it's all tidy. And reading. And now I don't know what I want to do! 

On a bit of a high today...

----------


## Flo

Wow!....maybe it's time to put the kettle on!...you put me to shame!

----------


## Paula

Its so lovely to hear you upbeat  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm a little on edge and it's hard to sit still and my head feels like it's racing but it makes a change to feeling really low. Have sorted my mums meds for the coming week and am going to sit and read the book J bought me while tea is ready  :):

----------


## Suzi

James are awesome! That sounds fantastic! Is J going with you?

----------


## Jaquaia

He is! He'll drive so date nights!  :):  Bluetones in May, James in August and Travis in December! It's like reliving my childhood!  :(giggle):

----------


## Flo

I LOVE Travis! And they're still doing well!

----------


## Jaquaia

The album they're touring is one of the first albums either of us owned! And James are playing the open air theatre, which should be lovely in August!

----------


## Suzi

I'm so pleased for you! Sounds like so much fun!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm sure it will be.

I've stopped and my mood is slipping. Stopping means things start preying on my mind.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Have you got something else you can do to shift focus?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm watch Coupling but it keeps going round and round.

----------


## Suzi

Try secret helpers on iplayer  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

Not doing good today, I've woken up feeling pretty low and have a knot in my chest. Done all the basics, even watched Phantom of the Opera and Grease, just put the 5th load of washing in, washed the pots, still feel agitated and it's only just half 12! 

Today is going to be a long day...

----------


## Suzi

Sorry you're feeling crappy love. I really, really approve of your movie choices! 
Massive hugs gorgeous  :(bear):  I hope you're feeling a bit brighter and calmer lovely x

----------


## Jaquaia

Not at all. Got so much on my mind at the moment and don't know how to let it all out and my low mood is feeding all that.

----------


## Suzi

Just write it.... It WILL help to get it out.

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't even know where to start

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (30-03-18)

----------


## Suzi

Maybe with whatever comes into your head first?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know how to untangle it. There are so many things just there. The injections, the appointment with the nurse prescriber, my moods being up and down to name just a few.

----------


## Suzi

OK What is it about the injections? Did you want me to put you in touch with my friend? Maybe she can help put some of your worries to bed a bit? 
Nurse prescriber - all you can do is be honest and open. Can you take someone with you? Bullet point list at the ready? 
Keeping a mood diary?

----------


## Flo

Morning......is it the pain of the needle that is worrying you? There are several different 'topical' anaesthetic gels/creams that you can buy from Boots or online. Some years ago I had to draw blood for glucose readings. I have my own tester. I used a gel to numb the area that I had to prick. It worked like a dream, and what's more, the needles these days are so much finer than they used to be...just like a hair, you'll hardly notice.

----------


## Jaquaia

I think it's the fact that I have to do it myself! Needles don't bother me, I can watch the needle go in! But it's different when it's a nurse doing it. Probably a lot of it is the unknown too.

----------


## Suzi

I can ask Char about it if you want? She's lovely!

----------


## Flo

> I think it's the fact that I have to do it myself! Needles don't bother me, I can watch the needle go in! But it's different when it's a nurse doing it. Probably a lot of it is the unknown too.


Any chance that you can do the first one in front of the nurse? It IS the unknown. Once you've done the first one I'm sure it'll be fine.

----------


## Jaquaia

If she's your friend Suzi then of course she's lovely  :O: 

They're teaching me how to do it Flo so the first 6 will all be in front of the nurse.

----------


## Suzi

I've known her since Fern was a baby and she's now 13 lol I'll put you in touch on FB ?

----------


## Jaquaia

I just don't want to be a bother

----------


## Angie

Your braver than me even considering it hunni they wouldnt get me doing my own needles

----------


## Suzi

You aren't a bother at all. Give her a couple of days to get back to me as she's been poorly, and I'll introduce you to her!

----------


## Jaquaia

Have kept myself distracted today. Done some studying, some knitting and now watching Coupling. 

I should be ok, it's just something new.

----------


## Suzi

I'm sure you will be love, but it won't hurt to talk to someone else who goes through similar?

----------


## Jaquaia

You do have a point.

----------


## Suzi

Hooray! I'm glad you're seeing that!  :):

----------


## Paula

Morning, sweetie

----------


## Jaquaia

Morning. Woken up with my right hand really stiff and my wrists painful and swollen. Hate flare ups.

----------


## Paula

:(:  ...

----------


## Flo

Will they ease during the day? Have you got medication for them? :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

It's starting to ease now, I have ibuprofen if I need it but I try not to take it.

BiL birthday today so taking presents round. I'm only going to see my niece, she's started crawling....

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  If it hurts take the painkillers babe, you're dealing with enough as it is so if you can make even 1 thing a tiny bit easier then do it....

----------


## magie06

Give your niece lots of auntie hugs. They are the best kind. A cure for everything.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'll take something when I get home as it's still uncomfortable but it has eased off a lot.

----------


## Paula

Ive learnt, over the years, that its best to take the painkillers as the pain starts, not when its at its peak, as it takes longer, and more painkillers generally, to get it back under control itms

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm too stubborn for my own good sometimes

----------


## Paula

Yes you are  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

:P: 

Have taken some ibuprofen and had a hot shower. My wrist still looks a little swollen but it's eased a lot. Plan now is half an hours gentle knitting and then settle down to watch the tv!

----------

Paula (01-04-18)

----------


## Suzi

Hope the knitting has helped lovely.  :(bear):  :(bear):  :(bear):

----------


## Angie

:(bear):  hunni flare-ups are horrible glad its eased a bit for you

----------


## Jaquaia

I only did a few rows but I found it relaxing.

J popped to see me after work! It's amazing how much of a difference hugs from him makes  :):

----------


## Angie

Am so glad that J helps hunni x

----------


## Suzi

How are your hands today babe? How are you feeling? Plans for the day?

----------


## Jaquaia

Stiff but no longer painful. I'm not feeling as flat as I did yesterday but then J adding an extra 20 miles on to his journey home because he wanted to give me a hug does tend to make me feel better! 

I think I might read a chapter in my textbook and then do some knitting or attempt some cross stitch

----------


## Suzi

So is today a rest day?

----------


## Jarre

Hugs are always good and very beneficial, I'm sure I read something about hugs doing something good to seretonine levels whether it be hugging a human or an animal. Ah I have found the artical, may also be interesting on the phychology of them for your course.  https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-5756...ugs-a-Day.html

----------

Jaquaia (02-04-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Erm....yes Suzi? 

Thanks Jarre, I will read that later!

----------


## Paula

> Stiff but no longer painful. I'm not feeling as flat as I did yesterday but then J adding an extra 20 miles on to his journey home because he wanted to give me a hug does tend to make me feel better! 
> 
> I think I might read a chapter in my textbook and then do some knitting or attempt some cross stitch


That sounds like a nice day planned  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Fingers crossed! I might see how I do with the cross stitch, I was laid in bed the other night watching beginners videos on youtube  :(giggle): 

It took a while to remember that I need to take folic acid today!

----------


## OldMike

Give cross stitch a go, I know Paula enjoys it, you've watched the videos now do the stitching  :O:   :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I've just done my first ever row of cross stitch!!!! So pleased with myself right now!!!!  :(party):

----------

OldMike (02-04-18),Suzi (02-04-18)

----------


## Paula

Did YouTube help?

----------


## Jaquaia

It did and the instructions are really clear too! Even done my first 2 fractional stitches. I'm loving it! It's so relaxing!

----------


## Suzi

Hooray! So pleased for you!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'll post a pic when I've done a bit more but I'm so pleased with myself!

----------


## Paula

Yay!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I've only put it down to eat  :(giggle): 

Just had some FAB news!!! My friend Tom is in remission!!!!  :(party):  :(party):  :(party):

----------

S deleted (02-04-18)

----------


## Suzi

OMG that's amazing news! I'm so pleased for him and for you!

----------

Jaquaia (02-04-18)

----------


## Paula

Oh wow!!! Thats fantastic!!!!!!!!!

----------

Jaquaia (02-04-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I may regret being unable to put it down in the morning but...

https://www.dropbox.com/s/vxi57186ml...20126.jpg?dl=0

----------


## Paula

Thats incredible, youre doing fantastically well  :):

----------

Jaquaia (02-04-18)

----------


## Suzi

That's awesome!

----------

Jaquaia (02-04-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Thank you  :): 

My hands are pretty stiff now. Hoping a decent nights sleep will help. Got my first injection tomorrow morning then straight over to the other hospital for my mums OT appointment.

----------


## Angie

Am so glad for your friend and you hunni and the cross stitch is amazing,
Hope it all goes well for you with the injection and with your mum tomorrow xx

----------

Flo (03-04-18)

----------


## Paula

Thinking of you today  :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm nervous but it should be ok. Hospital are going to monitor my bloods too so I don't have to bother getting an appointment at the doctors for a while.

----------


## Angie

I would be terrified your braver than me xx

----------


## Jaquaia

That was a breeze!!!! Apart from them telling me it was my 4th injection as they'd got the wrong persons file out!

----------

OldMike (03-04-18)

----------


## Angie

Glad it went well hunni apart from the file

----------


## Paula

Well done hunni

----------


## Suzi

YAY!!!

----------


## Flo

That's good news!......enjoy the X stitching....yes, it's addictive isn't it?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've been doing it all afternoon! Got most of one leg done on the fairy today. It's kept me out of the way too as I'm really irritable today.

----------


## Paula

Im so chuffed youre enjoying it! Im on a mission, Ive just got my mum doing it too lol

----------


## Suzi

I'm totally hooked on mine too!!! I love that you love it!

----------


## Jaquaia

I may have got a little carried away....

https://www.dropbox.com/s/h0wvkdldvq...12014.jpg?dl=0

----------


## Angie

Oh wow!

----------


## Suzi

Stunning!

----------


## Paula

Its hard to tell from a photo but the tension looks really good - youre a natural!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm so chuffed you think that!  :):  :(party):

----------


## Flo

Your X stitch looks lovely. It takes you to a different realm doesn't it? I'm glad you're enjoying it. Has it got lots of different colours incorporated into it?

----------


## Jaquaia

There's only 4 colours. I've not done any today, thought I'd give my hands a rest.

----------


## Suzi

So, what have you been doing?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've spent the morning cuddled up with J, we ended up falling asleep. Then I had an 18 month review with weightwise. I'm about 5kgs lighter and 4cm smaller then my review in September  :):

----------


## Suzi

That sounds well needed with J! 
Wow! Go you! That's awesome!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

It was needed. He's really been struggling and I've missed him, we both needed it. I feel really safe with him, there was just a slight panic when I woke up of "oh god, I really hope I didn't snore"  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Pfft, if you snored then you snored.....  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

He said I didn't snore and I didn't drool on him so bonus! And apparently I look really peaceful when I'm asleep! If me asleep doesn't put him off, nothing will!!

----------


## Angie

Well done hunni and awwww glad you had some time with J, as the saying goes he needs to accept you warts and all lol xx

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh he does! And frequently clouts me round the ear if I say anything bad about myself  :(giggle):

----------


## Angie

lol ..

----------


## Paula

I snore, even more now I have to lie on my back. It doesnt bother Si anymore - hes always accepted me, warts and all  :O: . I know youve not had this before but this is what a loving relationship is like

----------

Angie (05-04-18),Jaquaia (05-04-18),Suzi (05-04-18)

----------


## Suzi

I think it's awesome you have someone who loves you for you and treats you with love and respect and not like rubbish.

----------

Jaquaia (05-04-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I feel very, very lucky. He's already said that he knows he wants to marry me one day, my parents like him, he's not annoyed me even once in almost 7 months!  :(giggle):  plus he's seen me at my worst and has never once thought that my mood is related to him, he has just given me a clip round the back of the head, told me that I have no need to ever apologise for being ill and hugged me even tighter.

----------

Paula (05-04-18)

----------


## Suzi

Which is exactly how it should be.

----------


## Jaquaia

I can tell I'm not myself at the moment. My mum is ill at the moment so I told her this morning that I'd woken up with a sore throat and snotty so I was going to stay away from her. Her response was to shrug her shoulders as if to say "so what". Cheers mother!!! That really annoyed me so I took great delight in telling her it could stop me having treatment...

----------


## Flo

Looks like you've hit the jackpot there Jaq! What a nice guy. Do you think there'll be a chance that you can both find a little nest and just the 2 of you enjoy life together?

----------


## Suzi

Good for you lovely x

----------


## Jaquaia

What a bloody day!!! Went with my mum to the doctors at just gone 4 and only just got home. The nurse practitioner wasn't happy with her obs, her sats were down at 90% and her chest sounded wet, yet my bloody mother still argued about going to the hospital! Between me and the nurse, we eventually bullied her into going, so ambulance was called, blue lights and sirens, which sent my anxiety sky high! She's being admitted for a couple of days and as we left, she was on oxygen and a nebuliser and going down for a chest x-ray as soon as the nebuliser is finished. 
I'm shattered and not had a drink in the last 5 hours! 




> Looks like you've hit the jackpot there Jaq! What a nice guy. Do you think there'll be a chance that you can both find a little nest and just the 2 of you enjoy life together?


None at all Flo as he has 2 children, one of which he frequently describes as feral  :O: 

When things are settled, he wants me to move out to his village, which we both think will be good for me as it's quiet and more community-orientated then where I live now

----------


## Paula

> When things are settled, he wants me to move out to his village, which we both think will be good for me as it's quiet and more community-orientated then where I live now


Living with him?

Sweetie, your mums in the right place. You never know, it might scare her into taking her health seriously .....  are you going to rest tomorrow?

----------


## Jaquaia

Yes, living with him. I can easily picture my future with him  :): 

I doubt it, it's not the first time she's ended up in hospital because of her chest, it's the first time I've had to deal with the fallout though. I am going to rest tomorrow, I'm not going to visit her as I don't think it will be wise if I'm starting with a virus.

----------


## Angie

Am glad that your going to rest hunni

----------


## Suzi

Massive hugs lovely, you must be exhausted....

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm absolutely shattered but now I'm in bed I'm wide awake. I'm feeling completely overwhelmed and like everything is just caving in on me.

----------


## Paula

You dealt with it all today, please dont feel overwhelmed - youve done brilliantly

----------


## Suzi

Did you get any sleep? How are you today? Have you called the hospital to check on your Mum?

----------


## Jaquaia

Dad's rang but she was with the consultant. I've spent a lot of the night wide awake and have woken up with full blown lurgy.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry you had a rubbish night and feel bad today - are you going to do things to be kind to you?

----------


## Paula

Hope you get some news soon  :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm going to try. They might be letting my mum out, they were getting her to ring my dad once she'd seen the consultant. They've had the stop smoking nurse to her too, not that it will do any good.

Oh!!! I got to ride in the front of the ambulance with the driver. 
Once I finally got in to see my mum she asked if that was the first time I've ridden in an ambulance with blue lights...first time I've ever gone in an ambulance mother!

"Was it good?"

Oh yeah, for someone who suffers badly with anxiety it was absolutely brilliant you muppet!  :(:

----------


## Paula

Blimey, they kept me in for 5 days with 96% sats! Hopefully that means shes improved a lot with the nebuliser and oxygen.

----------


## Jaquaia

I got it wrong, she's got to wait for the consultant. Her sats improved on oxygen but they dropped again when they turned the oxygen pressure down so hopefully the nebuliser helps.

----------


## Suzi

Hope she's staying in for a while longer chained to the bed to stop her from escaping for a cigarette!

----------


## Jaquaia

My brother is taking my dad up there later so will find out more then. Just packed a few things for him to take with him for her. 

J really is a special person. He popped to see me after work, despite having hardly any time and a poorly little girl at home. He just wanted to make sure I was ok.

----------


## Suzi

That's so kind of him! Exactly what he should be doing too!  :):

----------


## Paula

Totally agree!

----------


## Jaquaia

She's taken the day off to look after the little one. I told him a few times that it was fine if he went straight home but he completely ignored me and insisted that he wanted to come and see me.  :):  

My mum is being discharged with some new inhalers.

----------


## Flo

What a bloody awful 24 hours you've had! I'm sorry to hear about your mum, but sorry too that you've been caught up in it. No wonder you're exhausted and anxious. You need it like you need a hole in the head! But at least you've got a lovely bloke that cares about you and is so unselfish. A little village and him maybe just what you need, and the sooner the better! If you can envisage him in your life for the long haul then it must be right. I hope you have a better evening Jaq, and some much needed rest. :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

Really starting to not feel well now. Have taken some paracetamol and settled down to watch some tv. Hoping it clears by Tuesday or I may not be able to have my injection.

----------


## Suzi

Hope she listens and does decide to stop smoking. Am happy to give you/her my top tips and I was a heavy smoker for a fairly long time... I'm now over 6 years I think...

----------


## Angie

Yup over six years Suzi as it was when you moved the forum to this one when you started to give up I think

----------


## Suzi

Yup and I haven't had one puff since.

----------

Angie (07-04-18),Jaquaia (07-04-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

The stop smoking nurse is ringing her on monday. The hospital have sent a prescription for patches through to the chemist for her and they're going to come here to see her and work on my dad too.

Think my cold is breaking, hopefully it will clear enough to still have my injection

----------


## Angie

Sounds like a good plan to help her hun, glad your cold is breaking now xx

----------


## Suzi

That's great!

----------


## Paula

I truly hope they both can find a way to stop

----------


## OldMike

I remember Suzi having how long she quit smoking in her signature when I first joined DWD over two years ago and I think it read over three years then.

Smoking is so highly addictive, I hope your mum can manage to quit. What surprises me is the number of kids that smoke these days, on the way to Custard Club I pass a 6th form college and I see lots of kids stood outside smoking their heads off.

----------


## Jaquaia

Today is a bad day. I was awake before 4 again and didn't fall back to sleep until almost 7. J rang me as I drove home from work and I had to dry my phone as my eyes kept leaking, my head is a pretty dark place today and apparently it's obvious as saying I was fine didn't wash with him.

----------


## Suzi

Oh lovely, I'm sorry you're having a bad day - I could call you and you could laugh at my sexy man voice? Want to talk about why you aren't feeling great?

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

I have my mum sounding like a squeaky toy to laugh at! I don't know why I feel so low today. I know J is worried about me and has ordered me to rest so I'm cross-stitching. I don't know, my mood is on the floor and my head is full of dark thoughts and all my insecurities are raising their ugly heads.

----------


## Paula

The last 48 hours have been hellishly hard, hunni, so its not surprising its having an impact  :(bear): .  Do you want to talk about whats been going on with your mum?

----------


## Jaquaia

Apparently the stop smoking nurse is coming to the house. She has cut down a fair bit today though. I'm not sure what more to say then that.

----------


## magie06

Sending you lots and lots of hugs.

----------


## Suzi

Hey each one she doesn't smoke is a victory! 

Sorry you're still feeling bad though lovely.

----------


## Jaquaia

I feel so close to giving up today. I even had to put my cross stitch away as it was winding me up.

----------


## Suzi

Don't give up love....  :(bear):   :(bear):  Can you watch crap on tv or something?

----------


## Paula

> Apparently the stop smoking nurse is coming to the house. She has cut down a fair bit today though. I'm not sure what more to say then that.


I just know that if it was my mum blue lighted into hospital, Id have been scared and it would have had a negative impact on my MH

----------


## Jaquaia

I've been watching Coupling.

Kept making silly mistakes but got there in the end, just didn't get much done...

https://www.dropbox.com/s/wz8554l8e4...04724.jpg?dl=0




> I just know that if it was my mum blue lighted into hospital, Id have been scared and it would have had a negative impact on my MH


I was scared but I also knew she was in good hands. I think I was so focused on keeping it together and not panicking that I didn't have much chance to focus on being scared itms?

----------


## Paula

Youve got much further than I expected - and its looking really good

----------

Jaquaia (07-04-18)

----------


## magie06

It's really turning out really beautiful.

----------

Jaquaia (07-04-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I had to put it away as my agitation was making me want to stab the needle into my hand.

----------


## Suzi

You really have done masses to your cross stitch. How are you feeling this morning?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not great but better then yesterday. I ended up in tears before bed and scratching my arm up.

----------


## Flo

Are you not taking any meds for your anxiety and agitation? You've had a belly full over the last few days. I'm not surprised you're feeling wretched. But you've done well with the cross stitch. Some days cross stitching can be a nightmare. More than once I've burst into tears with frustration because I've inadvertently used the wrong colour. Will you see your prince today?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm on propanolol 3 times a day. It usually helps but not always. 

I've just had to unpick some as I got carried away and used too many strands! 

Not today, he'll ring me on his way home from work though.

----------


## Paula

Unpicking is so frustrating, weve all had to do it though :/

----------


## Suzi

Is your arm OK?  :(bear): 
I've had to unpick half a dragon before now as I used the wrong shade of blue - the whole thing was made up of about 10 different shades of sodding blue.. I never finished that one....

----------


## Jaquaia

Yeah, it was sore more then anything, there's only one that's left a mark. 

I've seen another one I want to do but that will have to wait until I've had more practise. It's on 18 count black aida but would make a great gift for my mum https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B001TWHP..._4eIYAb16GAF70

----------


## Paula

Jaq, you do li,e to push yourself, dont you?  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I was just browsing  :(angel):

----------


## Paula

:(giggle):

----------


## OldMike

> Yeah, it was sore more then anything, there's only one that's left a mark. 
> 
> I've seen another one I want to do but that will have to wait until I've had more practise. It's on 18 count black aida but would make a great gift for my mum https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B001TWHP..._4eIYAb16GAF70


Wow that's beautiful, it's a work of art it really is




> I was just browsing


Nothing wrong with browsing Jaq  :O:

----------


## magie06

It looks beautiful Jaquaia. Finish the one you are on first, there's nothing like ufi. (Unfinished items)

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh I will. I've got loads to keep me busy.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm getting a bit obsessive. I've had nothing to drink for the last 2 hours as I got so absorbed so tomorrow I'm not picking it up until I've done some studying. I don't know why I get like that but it keeps me distracted.

----------


## Suzi

I get the same way..
That tiger is amazing, but looks very complicated! 
Hope you've had something to drink now and are calm?

----------


## Jaquaia

I have had a drink and semi-calm. I'm very aware that tomorrow is Monday which means the day after is Tuesday amd I have to go see the nurse prescriber...

----------


## Suzi

Maybe the nurse prescriber will be a positive thing? I know it doesn't stop you worrying about it though. However, I normally find nurses much easier to talk to and they seem to "get it" more than consultants!

----------


## Jaquaia

The problem I have is I've only ever seen nurses from secondary services and they've been awful!

----------


## Flo

> The problem I have is I've only ever seen nurses from secondary services and they've been awful!


Is that awful 'nasty' or awful 'incompetent'? I tend to agree with suzi.....my experience has been the same, but I can understand that by the law of averages there must be nurses that just aren't up to it! Let's hope on this occasion that you're pleasantly surprised.

----------


## Suzi

There's good and bad with everything, but maybe this one will be different for you. 

Did you get any sleep?

----------


## Jaquaia

Flo, the CPN who did my last assessment told me the meds might not be working because of my personality and that my self-harm wasn't proper self harm. 2 months later I still have a very noticeable scar on my arm yet it's not proper self-harm. I did it in front of her as I'd gotten so overwhelmed I'd switched off and scratched my arm raw and she didn't even ask to see. The only reason she agreed to ask the nurse prescriber to look at my medication is because I completely broke down, snotty, unable to speak crying broke down. I'm assuming that the nurse prescriber must have seen some merit to seeing me.

Suzi, I slept. Not well but I did sleep. I got told off by J just before 5 this morning as I was awake and replying to his message! Finally fell back to sleep around half 6 and was off and on til 9.

----------


## Suzi

Glad you got some sleep lovely. What do you have planned for today?

----------


## Jaquaia

J is on his way so yay! Snuggling!!  :(inlove):  then studying for an hour or 2

----------

Suzi (09-04-18)

----------


## Suzi

Hooray for snuggling!

----------


## Jaquaia

Had a few wobbles today. I feel very lucky that I can have those wobbles and all he does is hold me and reassure me until I feel a bit better, even if he won't stop bugging me until I admit what's wrong. I've never felt so loved and cared for in my entire life. I just wish the wobbles were less often.

----------

Paula (09-04-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Can I go back to bed??? Now I'm in the car my anxiety is rocketing  :(:

----------


## Paula

Itll be ok, Jaq, youre much stronger than you think  :Panda: . Big hugs

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

OH MY GOD!!!! HE ACTUALLY HELPED ME!!!!! 

I'm so happy! And surprised!!! Very surprised but he was lovely.

----------

OldMike (10-04-18),S deleted (10-04-18),Suzi (10-04-18)

----------


## Angie

That's brilliant hunni x

----------


## Paula

Fantastic! Whats the plan?

----------


## Jaquaia

He was so nice!!! He had 3 options for me. 

1. Try and older antidepressant (pre-fluoxetine era)
2. Go back on an antidepressant I've already tried and augment it with a mood stabiliser. He was talking about lamotrigine to begin with and then said about putting me back on sertraline with quetiapine.
3. Try me on vortioxetine which he said works differently to other SSRI's and tends to work well for people who haven't had much success with other ADs.

He's gone for the vortioxetine. I'm to reduce my paroxetine over the next few days then stop taking it so I have 3 days with nothing and then start the vortioxetine. He's going to send me an appointment to go see him again in about 4 or 5 weeks and if I'm managing ok with it he'll discharge me back to my gp.

----------


## magie06

I'm on sertraline and quetiapine now and I'm finding them great.

----------


## Paula

Its about time! Im so relieved for you  :):

----------

Jaquaia (10-04-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

He seemed surprised by what the CPN said to me too.

----------


## Suzi

I'm thrilled for you!!!

----------


## Paula

> He seemed surprised by what the CPN said to me too.


I think we all were ...

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm so tired now. Already got over-emotional on the phone with J and cried.

----------


## magie06

But that's what appointments like that do to everyone. Don't worry and relax now if you can. I'm so glad that you have J in your corner. He sounds so nice and you and he deserve to be together.

----------


## OldMike

Seems like a good plan Jaq and it's great your appointment went so well.

----------


## Suzi

I hope you're resting. Appointments like that are so exhausting and the relief of finally being listened to is too!

----------

Angie (10-04-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I tried studying but ended up falling asleep. Feeling really low now. J ended up parking up at the edge of his village and refusing to get off the phone until I told him what was wrong but I can't really narrow it down to one thing. I really hope this new medication works as I'm so fed up of feeling like this.

----------


## Suzi

Maybe you need the sleep? 
Sorry you're feeling low lovely....

----------


## Jaquaia

I probably did. I was awake at half 3 again and I should be used to feeling low.

----------


## Paula

No. Being used to feeling low can lead to giving in to it. Im not going to allow you to do that. You will feel low, but you need to keep fighting - youve had a leg up today, you can hope .... Im so proud of you, youve kept pushing and today is the result  :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

It's just exhausting fighting all the time. 

I've got my next appointment. I go see him again on the 4th of May

----------


## Suzi

I know it's hard love, but we're here to help you to keep fighting.

----------


## Jaquaia

I think I need a lot of help some days

----------


## Paula

We all do, sweetheart, at times. Its ok to lean on us when you need to - thats what friends are for

----------


## Jaquaia

I struggle getting past the feeling that I'm a burden. I never seem to have many good days, I'm not able to give much support here recently, and I'm very conscious of taking more than I give. Even with J, I feel guilty for being so low so often. I feel like I'm just extra grief for him that he can do without. I think most people can do without me really.

----------


## S deleted

Ahem. I can say hand on heart that I want and need you and the support you’ve given me recently goes above and beyond. I’m not trying to blow smoke up your ass cos I would never do that. Despite your own problems you’ve been there for me so many times and I could never see you as a burden, only a blessing.

----------

Jaquaia (10-04-18)

----------


## Paula

Stellas absolutely right. You give massive amounts of support here and to the people you care about - no matter how bad youre feeling. You are not a burden and, with J, if he didnt want to look after you when youre struggling, he wouldnt.

I have huge amounts of respect for you

----------

Jaquaia (11-04-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I guess that's me told!!!

----------


## Suzi

A burden? You? To us? Never. You could never be a burden. We're friends - if it was the other way round (and I often feel like a burden so I do understand) what would you be saying to me/us? 
You need support atm? So? What about all the times you've told me that you're more than happy to support me when I've needed it? Have some hugs,  :(bear):  :(bear): , love and understanding. 
I promise if you ever get to be a burden I'll be the first person to tell you.....

----------

Jaquaia (11-04-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I know that I would tell you exactly what you're telling me, I just don't think I'm as important.

----------


## Suzi

Maybe you could start to believe that we believe that you are?

----------

Angie (11-04-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I can try

----------

Angie (11-04-18)

----------


## Suzi

That's all I'll ever ask...

----------

Angie (11-04-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Feeling really lonely tonight. Don't know why

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------


## Suzi

I'm with you in spirit - only a little bit though, coz otherwise that would be creepy  :O:   :invisininja:

----------


## Jaquaia

Today feels like it is going to be a very long day!

----------


## Suzi

What's today's agenda?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've finished a weeks studying and am part way through a second week. I've eaten, drank and I remembered I'm on half dose paroxetine. I'm going to do a bit more studying and either do some cross stitch or knitting. I was awake at 5 again, managed to doze again until 7 but tired.

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like you've done loads...

----------


## Paula

That sounds like a busy agenda, maybe just see how it goes?

----------


## OldMike

Agreed just see which way the wind blows and take it from there.

----------


## Jaquaia

I didn't do anymore studying but I did do some cross stitch. Going to spend the rest of the evening watching a boxset now. I have got my train tickets booked and have cancelled the 4th night in the hotel

----------


## Angie

Sounds a good Idea for tonight hunni

----------


## Suzi

All sounds brilliant!

----------


## Jaquaia

What is wrong with me? Why can't I have just one day where my mood is stable? Just 1 full day would be lovely. Instead of being ok this afternoon, one of my better days, and trying so hard not to cry now! I'm fed up of crying.

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------


## Suzi

Be kind to yourself! Hunni, you're awesome and I love you, but stop! You are cutting down - a drastic cut down of a med. That's going to be hard, it's going to leave you a bit screwed up right now. You really need to be kind to yourself. You're in for a rough ride whilst cutting down and starting the new one...

----------


## OldMike

Suzi is right changing meds ain't easy just hang on in there Jaq and be kind to yourself  :(bear):   :Panda:

----------

Suzi (13-04-18)

----------


## magie06

How are you getting on?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm doing ok so far. Today is no ADs at all as I need 3 clear days before I start the new ones. J has popped round so had lots of hugs which helps.

----------


## OldMike

Lots of hugs and cuddles can't be bad  :O:

----------


## magie06

Any plans for this evening? 
I'm so happy that J had time to call to you. Did you know that being in love can lower your BP?

----------


## S deleted

Being in a relationship raises my BP but that’s probably due to my poor taste in men lol

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're doing OK gorgeous? I think your taste in men is definitely better than it used to be!!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm getting a little agitated but had to be social as my brother was here. Have got my prescription so have read the leaflet for the vortioxetine. You can tell it's quite a new medication as the information on side effects seems vague. Apparently my mum got questioned when she picked it up as the pharmacist wanted to know who prescribed it as it's apparently a special medication. I didn't know that! I see the nurse prescriber again on the 4th May.

Let's be honest Suzi! My taste in men couldn't have gotten much worse!  :(giggle):  But I genuinely believe I've found my soulmate in J. He makes me feel so loved and cared for, when I'm around him I can completely relax, and I can easily imagine still being with him whem I'm 80. For probably the first time in my life, I am properly, head over heels in love

----------


## Angie

That post has put such a big smile on my face hunni

----------

Jaquaia (13-04-18)

----------


## Suzi

I'm so pleased for you!!!!!

----------

Jaquaia (13-04-18)

----------


## Paula

A special medication for a very special person - and I mean special lovely not special  :O:

----------

Angie (14-04-18),Jaquaia (14-04-18)

----------


## selena

I'm really happy for you.

A personal really caring for you, and not a manipulator, what can be better than a genuine soulmate?

----------

Jaquaia (14-04-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

> A special medication for a very special person - and I mean special lovely not special


 :(rofl):

----------


## OldMike

> A special medication for a very special person - and I mean special lovely not special


I'll run with that after all Jaq is a very special person  :):

----------

Jaquaia (14-04-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Ok. This is just an idea at the moment. I've ran it past J though I know he will be behind me no matter what I choose to do as he's just that awesome! :(inlove):  

I'm considering doing my MSc in Mental Health Science through the OU once I've graduated, but then I've also discovered that Lancaster offer a PhD in Mental Health and I am very tempted! I think I would quite enjoy writing a thesis on the benefits of internet based support groups in mental illnesses for example. But at the same time, my head is telling me that I'm running before I can walk and that I'll never be good enough for doctoral level studies, or even Master's level!

----------

OldMike (14-04-18)

----------


## Suzi

Of course you can do it all, but one step at a time lovely...

----------


## Jaquaia

It's just an idea I had while I was browsing the OU website the other night.I figured it could give me something to aim for.

----------


## Suzi

I'd love to do my Masters and a phD too...

----------


## Jaquaia

Think stopping the ADs is starting to have an effect now. Really on edge and agitated

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  :(bear):  :(bear):  Can you find something to distract?

----------


## Jaquaia

I wanted to watch Strictly Ballroom but I don't actually own a copy though discovered Strange Magic on netflix so watching that. Not working much but good music.

----------


## Suzi

I haven't seen that film in years, but is on my "I need to watch it soon" list...

----------


## Jaquaia

Me neither. I need to buy it.

----------

Suzi (14-04-18)

----------


## Paula

> Ok. This is just an idea at the moment. I've ran it past J though I know he will be behind me no matter what I choose to do as he's just that awesome! 
> 
> I'm considering doing my MSc in Mental Health Science through the OU once I've graduated, but then I've also discovered that Lancaster offer a PhD in Mental Health and I am very tempted! I think I would quite enjoy writing a thesis on the benefits of internet based support groups in mental illnesses for example. But at the same time, my head is telling me that I'm running before I can walk and that I'll never be good enough for doctoral level studies, or even Master's level!


You are more than good enough to do this and anything else you set your mind to. And that thesis sounds awesome! However, I agree with Suzi. Focus on what youre doing now and make sure you enjoy it - the rest of it will come and youre young enough, bright enough to do whatever you choose for next steps  :):

----------

Jaquaia (15-04-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Well last night I bought Strictly Ballroom, so that's winging its way to me! Managed to get the last copy music magpie had on ebay for a fiver. Every other seller on ebay and amazon you were looking at £15+!!! Not paying that for an old film!!! 

Today has been spent with Scarlett so far. She's such a little character  :):  she was beating my dad up  :(giggle): , trying to steal my drink when no one was looking and babbling away non stop. 

Going to try and do some studying this afternoon. My right wrist and hand is throbbing but hoping that keeping it moving gently will prevent a full blown flare up.

----------

Suzi (15-04-18)

----------


## Suzi

Wow you sound more upbeat and positive today.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm very up and down. Scarlett kept me entertained today though. Not done any studying. Start the new meds tomorrow so I think tonight will be a long, relaxing shower and a film or something

----------


## Angie

Sounds like a plan for tonight hunni x

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like a perfect evening. 

Sounds also like Scarlett really loves you!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I did have her asking for cuddles which was lovely   :):

----------


## Suzi

Aww! 
What's on the agenda today?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm spending the morning with J, studying this afternoon and also starting the new medication.

----------


## Suzi

Hope your studying goes well! YAY for J and I hope this med works well for you with no horrible side effects... You taking it at night or in the morning?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm taking it in the morning with my breakfast as I take my others then. I'm really hoping it does work as my next option is mood stabilisers.

----------


## Suzi

Let's see how this one goes love...

----------


## magie06

One step at a time please.

----------


## S deleted

Ok I get how you feel BUT, we all have a default setting that we fall back to when we’re struggling and for you it’s turning what anyone says to you as criticism that you don’t do enough to help yourself. Trouble is there is only one person who actually thinks that way and it’s you. Your changing meds and as a result gonna be messed up. Trust me I get but I also know that nothing anyone can say or do to try and make you see things rationally will mean a thing cos what you’re feeling right now is very real to you. I know what you mean about the cliches cos I find it hard to deal with at times too as you know but you also recognise that these things are said to try and keep you grounded and to show that people care about you. Frustrating sometimes for sure but hey it’s better than nobody giving a toss.

----------


## Jaquaia

Yeah because a doctor frustratedly asking me what I actually do to help myself is me imagining it. Same with the CPN. 

Doesn't matter, I'll delete my post and we can forget I said anything

----------


## S deleted

Nope not going to forget it cos it’s upsetting you. Of course they ask you what you are doing to help yourself and you know why. That’s their job. There is always more we can do, if that wasn’t true there would be no hope of feeling better, but looking at different things to help is not the same as you not doing enough. If what you’ve been doing isn’t working then you have to look at different options. You know meds alone aren’t the answer and I know you feel you need to get a bit of stability to be able to take the next step. You’re not an idiot but you thinking you’re not doing enough is no different to me blaming myself for all that is crap in the world.

----------


## Paula

Im with Stella. I didnt see that post but have seen your reaction to those sort of things in the past so can guess. Hunni, I get asked all the time what Im doing to help myself - and not just with my MH. The mortification I had to deal with being told that the reason I have IIH is because Im overweight and the only sensible option is for me to do something about it and lose some weight - the ultimate in what are you doing to yourself. But I know its only coming from a place where they want to help me, and its the same with you

----------


## S deleted

Don’t go quiet on us now. You know I think the world of you and I’m not trying to upset you in anyway. I know how it feels. Like everyone is either patronising you or judging you unfairly. When you’re pretty intelligent and know how it should be but don’t understand why it’s not when you do everything you can. I generally use the theory that no matter how real my thoughts are, if everyone who cares about me is telling me I’m wrong then it’s probably the depression warping my outlook.

----------


## Suzi

Jaq - I have no idea what is being referred to here, I didn't see your post. I am concerned about you. I guess by Stella's reaction that you aren't in a good place, and that's to be expected with a rapid decrease, cold turkey and then starting a new medication - Can you just let me/us know you are safe?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm safe

----------


## Suzi

Thank you for letting us know hunni... Can you distract tonight?

----------


## magie06

Just to let you know that I'm glad that you are safe and that I'm thinking of you.

----------


## S deleted

Ok change of subject but how was your time with J this morning? Is he ok? Did you do anything nice?

----------


## Suzi

Morning lovely, how are you feeling today? Did you take your first med last night?

----------


## Paula

Morning sweetie

----------


## OldMike

Morning Jaq  :(bear):   :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

Afternoon.

Taking them in a morning Suzi

----------


## Suzi

Sorry love.. How are you today sweetheart?

----------


## magie06

How did you get on with your injection today?

----------


## Paula

I hate it when youre quiet, love  :(:

----------


## Jaquaia

Not got much to say really

----------


## Suzi

That suggests that there is a lot more to say....

----------


## Jaquaia

Not really. Today has been horrendous. Taking it one minute at a time.

----------


## Suzi

In what way was it so bad lovely? Have you started your new meds? Anything I/we can do?

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

It took 1 and a half hours in the hospital as they're putting my mum on a biologic and need a few tests first. Plus her appointment was running late. Getting in a lift to get to the ground floor was nigh on impossible due to people's sheer ignorance, thankfully, the 5th attempt, there were some lovely people who saw that I needed to get a wheelchair in and got out and took the stairs so we could fit in the lift. Before that I got dragged shopping in Home Bargains, and sofa shopping at DFS. Pretending to be ok was exhausting, and if I'm honest, all I wanted to do was walk across the car park to the river and take a swim. I tried a shower but lots of thoughts about dismantling my razor... I normally top my mums meds up once a few days are empty but didn't trust myself so didn't. I cried off and on ALL day! And all that is on top of non-stop dizziness. 

Edit: Oh and was still awake at half 2! Today I saw 3am!

----------


## Suzi

Wow, that's a difficult day. I'm not surprised you are finding things tough - adding in a meds change too.  :(bear):  Is today more of a rest day?

----------


## Angie

:(bear):  hunni, can you rest today and find something that you enjoy doing to do that is relaxing xx

----------


## S deleted

Some people can be so ignorant. How’s J doin’? Are you seeing him today?

----------


## Jaquaia

He's just left to go to work. He's spent the last hour and a half just holding me so tight. He always makes me feel so safe and loved and he's probably the only person I feel able to cry in front of. Today isn't a great day but he's made it that bit better.

----------


## magie06

Have you a lot on this afternoon? Would you be interested in taking a walk (if you have sunshine)?

----------


## Jaquaia

We have sunshine, but no, not going for a walk. Really dizzy again and have the lovely addition of nausea today. Worried J when I shot off the bed with no warning as I thought I was going to throw up.

----------


## S deleted

What is it with dizziness lately? Everyone seems to be suffering.

----------


## Jaquaia

Side effects. I'm fine until about half hour/an hour after I take the vortioxetine.

----------


## S deleted

You have my sympathy. Today is the first day in almost 2 weeks where I haven’t felt dizzy.

----------


## Suzi

Are you eating and drinking? Has the nausea subsided a bit? Can you put up with it for a couple of weeks?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm picking at things as I haven't got much of an appetite. I've got coke and water. Should have ordered a bottle of ginger pepsi but the nausea is new today  :(think):  

I'll put up with it, I've only ever been unable to cope with duloxetine side effects.

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  :(bear):  :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

Even laying on my front reading my textbook isn't helping the dizziness. The room only stops spinning when my head is on the pillow... :(:

----------


## Angie

Oh hunni but please speak to someone if you struggle to much xx

----------


## Jaquaia

My gp won't do anything as he didn't prescribe them. He'll just tell me to wait until I see the nurse prescriber again.

----------


## magie06

That drives me nuts when the GP won't take any of the responsibility of easing effects of something prescribed by someone else. Thank goodness my GP listens to me and will normally try moving things about. 
Would it help if you took the new meds in the evening?

----------

Suzi (18-04-18)

----------


## Paula

Can you get your dad to go out and get some ginger ale?

----------


## Jaquaia

My dads been drinking all day while he lays the flooring in the kitchen. I'm struggling with him just talking to me. Pepsi and water is helping and we have ginger biscuits in so should be ok.

----------


## Suzi

Oh sweetheart I really struggle that you have so little support when you are going through something as horrible as med changes... I wish I could come up and get you some ginger ale...

----------


## Jaquaia

I have J and I have you guys. He was awesome this morning.

----------


## Suzi

Yeah, but your parents should be helping you...

----------


## Jaquaia

J did ask me to tell my mum I was struggling with the new meds but I can't cope with medical top trumps!

----------


## Jaquaia

This sucks. Stood up and I don't know what I wanted to do more; land in a heap on the floor or throw up!

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni... 

I really understand the medical top trumps thing, I have a friend who is always in more pain/more issues than I have! 
What about taking them in the evening? Sleep through the worst of the side effects? Can you call the nurse prescriber and talk to them about how bad you are feeling - maybe they can give you some anti sickness or something?

----------


## Jaquaia

We have ginger in, that helps, and hopefully the side effects will start wearing off soon. 

I've bitten the bullet and made an appointment to go see a female doctor. I still haven't had a period since September and that isn't normal for me. 3 months without, yes. But getting on for 8 months is really unusual and has never happened before. I'm finally thinking that it needs looking at.

----------


## Angie

Hope they do wear off quickly for you sweetie, glad you have made that appointment

----------


## OldMike

Hope the side effects wear off quickly Jaq, I'll just leave you a big hug to make you feel better  :(bear):

----------


## Paula

Well done for making the appointment. When is it?

----------


## Suzi

I'm really proud of you for making that appointment!

----------


## Jaquaia

It's the 3rd of May. 

I think the tablets are in my system as ended up being sick last night and I've been dizzy since I woke up. Today will be fun!!!

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

(hugs) lovely.... How are you feeling today?

----------


## Jaquaia

Honestly? Like I want someone to stop the ride so I can get off. I'm tired. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of nothing going my way, I'm tired of feeling like a burden, I'm tired of feeling like a bad person, I'm tired of feeling like... this. I'm tired of never getting a moment's peace from my own thoughts. I'm tired of feeling tired. I'm fed up of having to fight just to get through the day and I want it to stop now

----------


## Angie

Huge hugs hunni can relate to so much of that, am not sure what the answer is but your doing all you can right now to help yourself and hopefully have some help now to x But its not easy I know

----------


## S deleted

> Honestly? Like I want someone to stop the ride so I can get off. I'm tired. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of nothing going my way, I'm tired of feeling like a burden, I'm tired of feeling like a bad person, I'm tired of feeling like... this. I'm tired of never getting a moment's peace from my own thoughts. I'm tired of feeling tired. I'm fed up of having to fight just to get through the day and I want it to stop now


Sounds like we're on the same merry go round.

----------


## Suzi

> Honestly? Like I want someone to stop the ride so I can get off. I'm tired. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of nothing going my way, I'm tired of feeling like a burden, I'm tired of feeling like a bad person, I'm tired of feeling like... this. I'm tired of never getting a moment's peace from my own thoughts. I'm tired of feeling tired. I'm fed up of having to fight just to get through the day and I want it to stop now


I had a similar conversation with Angie this morning lovely. I also had the same conversation with Marc last night after  I injured myself and had to be helped in and have spent most of the day with my leg up.... 
Sweetheart you aren't a burden, you are a wonderful, intelligent, kind, special, wonderful friend and I am so privileged to know you at all. I know you're struggling, but maybe you can do what Ange does and maybe you can believe that I believe that you are amazing? It's a start?

----------

Angie (19-04-18),Flo (20-04-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

All I can do is try.

----------


## Suzi

That's all I will ever ask of you. You are such a lovely person, I just wish you could see you through my eyes...

----------

Angie (19-04-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't feel lovely in the slightest. I feel like so many people would be better off without me in their lives. I even told J he would be better off forgetting he ever met me earlier. 

Hating theseside effects. Have to be social tomorrow too as it's my dads birthday.

----------


## Suzi

I know you don't feel it, but I believe it enough for your doubt to be covered too....

----------


## Jaquaia

I was hot yesterday so have put a dress on today. It feels weird having my legs out. I've warned J that he'll need to wear his sunglasses when he comes in. 

On the bright side, only slightly nauseous, still dizzy but the nausea is a lot less.

----------


## magie06

That's good news. I'm sure you're legs are just fine.

----------


## Paula

> I was hot yesterday so have put a dress on today. It feels weird having my legs out. I've warned J that he'll need to wear his sunglasses when he comes in. 
> 
> On the bright side, only slightly nauseous, still dizzy but the nausea is a lot less.


Yay for less nausea  :): 




> I don't feel lovely in the slightest. I feel like so many people would be better off without me in their lives. I even told J he would be better off forgetting he ever met me earlier. 
> 
> Hating theseside effects. Have to be social tomorrow too as it's my dads birthday.


Im definitely better with you in my life, lovely

----------


## Flo

That feeling of being 'sick and tired of feeling sick and tired' is one I know well. I'm a dyed in the wool fatalist and pessimist! I also hate my thoughts at times, but obviously others see something in me that I don't, and they love me for some strange reason. I've never met you, or spoken to you. However, it's so crystal clear that you are a very clever, loving and funny girl and a very good friend to a lot of people. You have a bloke that idolises you, like mine does! We seldom see in ourselves what others see. We must be doing something right otherwise we wouldn't have all this love lavished on us eh? :(bear):

----------


## Angie

Totally agree with Flo hunni you are all those things, I get how you feel honestly I do but please try and accept how we see you and how J does xx

----------


## Suzi

Bet your legs are better to look at than mine! lol How's you love?

----------


## Jaquaia

I have no choice with J as he slaps me!!! To be fair, it's my own fault for teaching him the Gibbs slap but it's so effective!!! That and he tells me every single day how he feels about me. 

I've had so long being told that I'm not enough, they having someone tell me, and show me, that I am is still pretty new to me. And I've had so many so-called friends hurt me that when my mood crashes I start believing that the problem must be me




> Bet your legs are better to look at than mine! lol How's you love?


Well J didn't complain  :O: 

I'm up and down but hugs has really helped today

----------


## Angie

It will take time hunni its hard to change whats in your head

----------


## Suzi

Glad you've had a good time with him lovely!

----------


## magie06

I'm so glad that J had time to call over. I love hearing how much he loves you.

----------


## Jaquaia

I feel very, very lucky to have him and he has made me believe in soulmates. He's confessed that he knew he loved me the second time he met me (this time round)  :(inlove):

----------


## Suzi

I think he's the lucky one!

----------


## Jaquaia

I've just about reached my breaking point for today, I can't cope with anything else.

----------


## magie06

Switch off and rest. Read, do some cross stitch or just listen to some music. Love you and really wish I could help more.

----------


## Paula

Are you still here? Please go and rest ....

----------


## Jaquaia

I have been resting. Crying a lot but resting too. Or trying to.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Hey hunni, how are you? Did you sleep? To you have a rest day planned?

----------


## Jaquaia

I slept but not well. I'm disappointed that I woke up, I've cried several times already. Popped down to get some clothes off the washing pile and the parents were bickering so that's sent my anxiety sky high.

----------


## Suzi

I'm sorry you're having a horrible day. Can you get out of the house to do something nice?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not really feeling up to leaving the house if I'm honest. There are people out there!

----------


## magie06

Could you sit out in the garden?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not really. I get irritable when too warm so it would just be pushing it at the moment. Not to mention, my dad is cutting wood out there, the neighbours back way are arseholes and Talia is a knobhead so it's not really peaceful out there. I have my windows open and there's a lovely breeze coming in so it's nice a cool. I have music on and can hear the birds too. It's quite peaceful.

----------


## magie06

That sounds nice. Enjoy your afternoon.

----------


## Suzi

Can you do something lovely to distract atm?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm online shopping. Which considering I go away in 3/4 weeks, isn't helpful!!! Looking at 2 tshirt dresses and a maxi skirt. This arrived today; http://www.newlook.com/uk/womens/clo...09?comp=Browse as well as some other tops,  but although it suits me and feels lovely on, it feels clingy around my middle and I'm self conscious in it. I commented to J about needing to lose some weight. His reply, and one of the many reasons I love him so much, was pretty much he'll help me with the exercise  :(giggle):  and if I will be happier, but he thinks I'm perfect the way I am  :):  :(inlove): 

Debating between cross stitch and knitting. Think knitting may be the safer option.

----------


## S deleted

What kind of exercise is he suggesting?

Theres a small game of football on shortly. I can understand you not wanting to watch your team lose  :P:

----------


## Jaquaia

I have no idea!  :(angel):

----------


## Jaquaia

I've massacred my wardrobe. I think I'm getting rid of more then I'm keeping! Still got loads of energy though.

It's possible I may be having a bit of a manic episode...

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------


## Suzi

That top is beautiful and totally like something I'd love! 

Hope you're resting now lovely x

----------


## Jaquaia

I've got rid of 2 black bags full of clothes and my wardrobe and drawers are now half empty but starting to feel calmer now. I just needed to get rid of the energy as it was making me agitated. And watched Strictly Ballroom too.

Just bought this
https://www.yoursclothing.co.uk/red-...ed-waistband-p
I did ask my mums opinion and all I got wa a lot of negativity so have shown J and he encouraged me to ignore her and get it anyway.

----------


## S deleted

What kinda negativity? Nowt wrong with that, it looks good.

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh no, you need a different colour, it's far too bright. Try it in black...

But I don't want to hide away in black anymore! 

Oh and this was a good one... she looked through the clothes I'm getting rid of and held up a vest top.

"Why are you getting rid of this?"
"Because it's a bit big"
"What? Even on you?"

...

----------


## Suzi

Ouch! That's the kind of comments I grew up with too, so I understand how bad they are... 
I'm glad you got that red number, I can see it suiting you really well...

----------


## Flo

I love the T-shirt dress in red, I think it's really flattering. Bright colours will be nice on you. If you got it..flaunt it!!...I take it mum wasn't nominated for this years Tact Awards!! I'd give anything for bigger boobs. I have a broad back too which doesn't help. I think the almighty put me together with what he'd got left! Never mind, I'll have to make do with what I've got. I don't think anyone's really happy with what they've got. But we're perfect in the eyes of those who love us and that's all that counts.

----------


## Jaquaia

> Ouch! That's the kind of comments I grew up with too, so I understand how bad they are... 
> I'm glad you got that red number, I can see it suiting you really well...


I was telling J about some of the things I grew up hearing, like if I got rid of my spare tyre then I would look ok, often while she was grabbing it. It really annoyed him. In hindsight, there is no surprise that I'm extremely self conscious about my middle!!!




> I love the T-shirt dress in red, I think it's really flattering. Bright colours will be nice on you. If you got it..flaunt it!!...I take it mum wasn't nominated for this years Tact Awards!! I'd give anything for bigger boobs. I have a broad back too which doesn't help. I think the almighty put me together with what he'd got left! Never mind, I'll have to make do with what I've got. I don't think anyone's really happy with what they've got. But we're perfect in the eyes of those who love us and that's all that counts.


Clothes that look demure on the model look really revealing on me!!! I have one vest top which has a beautiful pattern and is a lovely jersey material but I can only wear it if I wear a vest with a higher neckline underneath! Kind of defeats the object of wearing strappy tops in summer really... definitely one I couldn't wear in public...

I have a broad back, I've been big since I was little too, I've never known what it's like to be slim. I've been bullied over my size since I was 5 years old, had strangers shout things at me in the street, grew up with those comments from my mum and then had dickhead saying things like he never touched me because my body put him off. There is no wonder I have so many issues about how I look! 

But J makes me feel beautiful and he is always telling me that I am. He tells me that he thinks I'm absolutely perfect the way I am and he loves all of it; that everything makes up me and it is me that he's in love with. He tells me that I just need some extra TLC because I've been treated badly  :):

----------

Flo (22-04-18),selena (22-04-18),Suzi (22-04-18)

----------


## OldMike

Looks good Jaq, we love you the way you are.  :(bear):

----------

Jaquaia (22-04-18)

----------


## Paula

Well done J  :):

----------

Jaquaia (22-04-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

He is pretty awesome  :(inlove):

----------


## magie06

Those clothes are lovely. I love bright colours too. Nothing wrong with them. And I love J's comments. He's definitely a keeper.

----------

Jaquaia (22-04-18)

----------


## Suzi

J's definitely right.

I understand where you are coming from as I've had similar and other things too......  :(bear):  :(bear):

----------

Jaquaia (22-04-18)

----------


## selena

Jaq, he is absolutely right.

By the way, that nice floral dress inspired me too and maybe one day I'll buy one too, as I stopped wearing dresses and nice skirts since quite long time.

----------

Jaquaia (22-04-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

> J's definitely right.
> 
> I understand where you are coming from as I've had similar and other things too......


I don't think I'd realised just how much of a scar they'd left until I met J. He's really good for me.




> Those clothes are lovely. I love bright colours too. Nothing wrong with them. And I love J's comments. He's definitely a keeper.


He really is, he doesn't think so but he knows I think he's wrong on that! I'm generally not one for bright colours, I tend to wear more muted colours but red does tend to suit me and the dress did really catch my eye. My main worry was that it would stand out and draw peoples eyes  :(: 




> Jaq, he is absolutely right.
> 
> By the way, that nice floral dress inspired me too and maybe one day I'll buy one too, as I stopped wearing dresses and nice skirts since quite long time.


I think the trick is finding a style that compliments your body shape. Work out what colours work for you, what cut of clothing highlights your best features and skims over the bits you don't like. 

I've been wearing more jeggings and longline tops that come to at least my hips. Shorter tshirts just make me feel self conscious as they ride up. If I wear dresses, then I tend to suit ones that are tighter under my boobs and then drape and I tend to wear a lot of autumnal and fairly natural colours like rust, greens, blues, purples. 

Yellows make me look ill, white makes me look really pale and certain cuts of clothing make me look a lot bigger then I am! Bulky clothing can make you look bigger too. You just need to find what works for you  :):

----------

selena (23-04-18),Suzi (22-04-18)

----------


## Suzi

I think it's great!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I think I've done too much today, I ache all over! Stripped my bed and washed the bedding, done my mums meds, done a load of washing for my mum while the oldies were at the sisters, done all the ironing, made my bed, put my clothes away and organised my drawers, and grabbed a shower but my hip is now really stiff and my back is aching. At least it's made me stop though, if I wasn't so stiff now I would probably have carried on with stuff.

----------


## Suzi

Wow, that's a weeks worth of stuff in a day! No wonder you are tired.

----------


## Jaquaia

I had loads of energy and sitting still was winding me up...

----------


## Suzi

How are you feeling today?

----------


## Jaquaia

OMGOMGOMG!!!!! SO EXCITED!!! 

I need to sweet talk my beloved in a little while. They've just announced Stereophonics are playing Scarborough in July!!!! And because I've bought tickets for a gig I get early access!!! As in tickets tomorrow!!!! OMG!!!!! 

I mean I'm ok so far Suzi, tired as spent a few hours awake, but ok.

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## Suzi

Glad you're OK lovely...

----------


## Jaquaia

Ok, I'm not as ok as I thought I was....

Got really paranoid over something and my head just escalated it. I have no idea where it even came from!

----------


## Paula

Something you want to talk about?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not something I really can here.

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

Head is racing a bit today. Feel like i have so much energy again

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  :(bear):  How was the rest of the day?

----------


## Jaquaia

It's been strange. Found it hard to sit still once J left but then he's having a bad day so worried about him. Had music on all day, been beaten up by Scarlett, got some uni work done, mainly sung along to 90s indie though! Oh and I have my presale access for Stereohonics  :(party):  so generally feeling ok but weird if that makes sense?

----------


## Suzi

How's today treating you?

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## Jaquaia

Well...

I HAVE FRONT ROW SEATS FOR STEREOPHONICS!!!!!  :(party):  :(party):  :(party): 

I'm ok, thoughts are racing a bit, struggling to sit still but no point starting something as I'm leaving for the hospital soon for my methotrexate injection.

----------


## magie06

Good luck with your injection. I hope that they are getting easier to bear.

----------


## Jaquaia

Injections have never been an issue for me. I often watch the needle go in! It's the waiting room I have problems with. The bloods room was very busy so the waiting room was heaving and the corridor the treatment room is down is really busy too. My anxiety levels are so high  :(:

----------


## magie06

Try to think of somewhere nice - the beach, a forest mmaybe J's arms.

----------


## Angie

Oh hun have you got any headphones for your mobile can you maybe listen to music while waiting

----------


## Jaquaia

My headphones are in my bedroom! I'm home now anyway. Probably a good thing as my thinking is really irrational at the moment though J has been brilliant as always at talking me down.

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## Paula

Tut! Why were your headphones at home?

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## Jaquaia

I don't normally take them out with me. Just to give you an idea of how anxious I was though. I forgot I had a book in my bag...

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## Angie

Oh hunni  :(bear):

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## magie06

I hope you are resting now. Those appointments can make you very tired.

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## Jaquaia

This is nothing to do with my appointment. This is to do with my state of mind. I'm being completely irrational. I know I'm being completely irrational but I don't know how to stop it.

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## Paula

Irrational? About what?

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## Jaquaia

Today I got given yet more, but different, information about my injections. At Christmas, the consultant told me it would be 4 weeks of going to the hospital and learning how to inject. Last month her registrar told me it's 6 weeks. The nurse in the treatment room told me it would be 6 weeks learning how to do it, then I'd get my first 4 injections from the hospital pharmacy while they got me set up to have them delivered at home. Today, after yet another injection that they give me with no attempt to even talk me through it, I get told that they will give me all 6 and then I have to go in the week after the final one and only then will they teach me. And teaching is only done on a Wednesday afternoon so I have to mess around with my days again, just as I'm starting to get used to the different days of having the injection and taking folic acid these days but not that day. If they are happy with how I do it, they'll sign me off, if not, I have to go back the following week. 
And my reaction to that???

I might as well just stop my treatment, everything, not just the DMARDS. I know that those drugs allow me to use my hands with very little discomfort. Less then a year ago, just an hour holding a book would have left me flaring, a couple of hours knitting would have left me unable to use my hand the next day, so I know they work and all I can think of is stopping treatment. And all I've done for the last hour and a half is fight the urge to cry and fail miserably. I'm trying to cross stitch as it's something I need to focus on and all I can think of is stabbing the needle in to my hand or using the scissors and I know it's irrational but I can't stop it

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## Paula

Given the mucking about youve had from then, Id be throwing a paddy too.

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## Suzi

Oh hunni I'm so sorry that they've been so crap. Can you call the registrar for confirmation? Maybe get someone to talk to you about doing them whilst you're there?

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## Jaquaia

I've pretty much reached my limit at the moment. I hate how unstable my moods are and if anyone states the obvious and tells me that it will take time blah blah blah then I may actually scream.

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## S deleted

Is it stating the obvious to tell you you’re awesome and as tough as this is right now you will get through it? I only ask cos it’s obvious to me how amazing you are  and I don’t want you to scream at me.

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## Jaquaia

Yeah I'm really not

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## S deleted

You are too me.

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## Paula

You so are!

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## Suzi

Hey gorgeous.... I know it's the obvious so I'm not going to say it...... How long have you been on them for? 

What do you have planned for tonight/tomorrow?

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## Jaquaia

9 days today. Attempting to cross stitch tonight, need to study tomorrow.

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## Suzi

:(bear):  :(bear):  :(bear):

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## Jaquaia

It feels nigh on impossible to keep above water today, my head has been an absolutely vile place to be.

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## Suzi

I wish I could help...

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## Jaquaia

Right at this moment it feels like only one thing that would help and that's not really an option...

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## magie06

Do you want to talk through it? I don't mind if you do.

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## Jaquaia

Don't know what to really say. I have to wake up, I don't want to.

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## magie06

The words don't matter. It's just using words to get the thoughts out of your head. The weather, how many stitches you did in your x-stitch today, how long J held you today. Just talk until that feeling subsides.

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## Paula

Hunni you know the drill, its going to take time for the new meds to kick in, youve had withdrawal from the old. You are strong and awesome and you will get through this, things will change.

Thats the drill, but I know thats not going to make you feel better right now. So what Im actually going to say is that you are one of the strongest women I know and Im so proud of how hard you fight  :(bear):

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## Jaquaia

I'm tired of fighting now. I'm tired of crying. I just want my head to be quiet now.

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## S deleted

I get it. We’ve all felt the same way at one time or another and there’s no point telling you what you already know. I wish I could take it all away for you, so you didn’t have this pain cos I hate to think about you hurting. You know I’m always here for you no matter what.

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## Suzi

How are you feeling this morning lovely?

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## Paula

Morning, sweetheart

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## Jaquaia

I'm not great. I got myself in trouble last night with J over something I said and he's taken charge a bit today. I've only showered because he told me to, and I have to admit that it's made me feel a little better as my skin doesn't feel like it's crawling. It's weird, but even though I can't see him today, he still manages to make me feel loved and looked after. I just don't think I'm worthy of it.

Just still working on the eating part...

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## Suzi

What happened last night? And you are VERY MUCH worth it.

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## Flo

Oh dear!....did you tell him that you don't think you're worthy of his love and affection?

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## Jaquaia

I called myself a not very nice name which he took exception too. He's told me in no uncertain terms that he is not having me, or anyone else for that matter, speaking so badly about myself.




> Oh dear!....did you tell him that you don't think you're worthy of his love and affection?


I did. He simply told me how much I mean to him and I'm just poorly at the moment and in need of some extra TLC. He really is amazing.

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## Paula

Oh hunni, I wish you could see what we all see in you  :Panda:

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## Jaquaia

I'm really trying but I'm failing miserably. It's like my head is full of voices whispering about how awful I am and pointing out all my flaws, those thoughts are relentless and I can't quiet them right now.

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## S deleted

So don’t try to shut them up. Treat it as someone else’s opinion. They’re entitled to it but doesn’t make it right.

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## Jaquaia

That never really works for me as I take far too much to heart.

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## smelly_steph

you're like me too.

take way too much to heart

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## OldMike

J is right you're a lovely person and are certainly worth it.  :(bear): 

J is a little gem (and I don't mean a lettuce you see Little Gem is a variety of lettuce, what am I wittering about trying explain my horticultural jokes, paint me green and call me a cucumber)  :X: 

J is someone special and I'm so pleased for you Jaq, listen to what he says  :(bear):

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## Suzi

Jaq, maybe you could start challenging those horrible thoughts - each time you have one make yourself counter it with a positive...

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## Jaquaia

Then I would get nothing done as they are constant at the moment

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## Suzi

Then so be it. Start shouting at those thoughts!

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## Jaquaia

I have an assignment due next week, appointments Tues, Weds, Thurs and Fri, and I'm still doing work from March. I don't have time to do anything but ignore those thoughts as best I can.

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## Suzi

OK love...

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## Jaquaia

So sobbing this morning when I woke up, quite bright this afternoon, unable to concentrate, loads of energy while listening to music, a bit meh... now. I feel fecking dizzy!!!!

----------


## S deleted

I can relate

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## Suzi

:(bear):  lovely. Did you get any work done?

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## Jaquaia

I read a couple of pages but struggled to take it in. Put it away now as my hands are throbbing.

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## Paula

:Panda:

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## Suzi

Have you spoken to your rheumy about how much pain you're still in?

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## Jaquaia

I'm often not in pain, just stiff. It's rare that I flare up now, the methotrexate has made a huge difference

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## Suzi

Glad it's made such a difference!

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## Jaquaia

Only 3 weeks behind now. Feel like I'm attempting to scale a mountain while the ground keeps shifting under my feet so I think I'm going to email my tutor tomorrow and make him aware of the issues with the medication change. 

Killed my laptop now anyway so the rest of the night is watching Strictly Ballroom again and I'll charge it tomorrow.

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## Paula

I think talking to your tutor is a very good idea

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## Jaquaia

He was brilliant last time so I'm not as worried about emailing him as last time.

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## Suzi

I agree, talking to him would be a good idea - even just to keep him in the loop....

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## Flo

How are you feeling now Jaq? Yes, tell your tutor. He'll understand. After all better to tell him rather than slide and him not knowing why. Have a better day today.

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## Jaquaia

I'm feeling ok so far, I was awake when J went to work so we talked while he drove  :):  

I've got my laptop charging so will do it in a little while.

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## Suzi

Glad you're doing OK love. 
Can you pace with the studying? Do a little, then rest a little?

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## Jaquaia

I will do my best.

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## Suzi

How are you doing lovely?

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## Jaquaia

My hands are stiff, my head is only just calming down after racing all afternoon, and I'm tired. But hopefully I've been able to put a smile on someones face to I'll take it as a win.

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## Suzi

Well done lovely x

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## Paula

:Kiss:

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## magie06

Thinking of you.

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## Jaquaia

I have until Monday. My tutor is awesome  :):

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OldMike (30-04-18)

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## Suzi

That's brilliant! Well done for talking to them.

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## Paula

Well done, hunni  :):

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## Jaquaia

I feel like I can breathe a bit, though still very on edge. Now just got to get through the week! Injection and bra fitting tomorrow, weightwise appointment weds, doctors thurs and nurse prescriber friday!

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## Angie

Glad that you are sorted with the tutor hunni, you have a busy week please try and pace

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## magie06

Can you do some resting in between all of those jobs?

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## Suzi

I agree, make sure you schedule some "Jaq Time"  :):

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## Jaquaia

I need to study so will rest when I can. My extension is only until Monday and it's a bigger piece of work. Though I am spending some time with J this afternoon, he needs so many hugs

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OldMike (30-04-18)

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## magie06

And thankfully hugs work both ways! Good luck with your study and paper this week and don't forget we are all behind you.

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## Suzi

How you doing babe?

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## Jaquaia

Not good. It's brilliant when J is here as I can completely drop my guard but it's getting harder and harder when he goes. My dad has been drinking all afternoon and after a lovely couple of hours with J, I'm finding it much harder to handle then I normally would.

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## Suzi

Does your Dad have an issue with alcohol? 
Sorry it's so crappy love. Can you distract/do something different to drown him out?

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## Jaquaia

I suspect there's a bit of an issue there. I've told J tonight that when things are settled, I refuse to have beer in the house for when my dad visits. My sister and brother both make sure they have it in for him but I don't want to and he's completely behind me. I've even told my mum that when I marry (though she has no idea that there's someone who wants that job!  :(giggle): ) that I don't want him drinking before he walks me down the aisle. One or 2 I can live with, but if he goes overboard then I don't want him giving me away, that's how strongly I feel about it.

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## Paula

I dont blame you. For my first wedding, my mum told my grandad that, if he ruined my wedding in the same way he ruined hers, she would be chucking him out and would never see him again. For my mum and dads wedding, grandad got very drunk before the service, crashed the car and ended up in hospital (and lost his licence, again).  She was the only one of her siblings (6 of them) who would stand up to him but she stood her ground, like you plan to do, despite the fact he was 62 and hes 51

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## Jaquaia

I'm the only one who's ever really stood up to him. It's easier for the other 2 as they only see them once a week, I have to deal with him slurring his words and being a dick most days. 

It surprised J when I told him that he is the only man I feel completely safe with, I never even feel completely safe around my dad and brother  :(:

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## Suzi

:(bear):  :(bear):  :(bear):  I have every respect for you love. We have issues with Marc's Dad so I do sympathise.

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## Jaquaia

I spend so much time in my room now just to escape it, I mean I know I did anyway but now I only eat downstairs really.

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## Suzi

That's so not healthy - but I get why you are. With the smoking and the drinking you must be finding it so hard - no option of moving out?

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## Jaquaia

Oh!!!! Have I not mentioned that???? They've quit! They've not had a cig in 3 weeks! 

I've discussed it with J. I don't really want to be on my own though

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## Paula

Thats a positive move on their part!

I can understand why you wouldnt want to be on your own. Has the situation changed at all?

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## Suzi

Wow! That's brilliant about them quitting! 

I can understand not wanting to be on your own. 
How are you feeling today?

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## Jaquaia

We're going to the bank to sort a few things out when I'm back. I've reached my limit on how much  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  I can sit back and watch him take so I have to admit that I've taken charge a bit. I can take any grief people throw at me but hurt someone I love and my claws come out. 

I'm a bit stressed today if I'm honest. Went for my bra fitting and not convinced whatsoever! Had a brief chat with a few people I used to work with, which was nice. Had my injection and complained about the training been on top of the 6 weeks and they've said that they may have to put a leaflet together as the doctors seem to be telling everyone wrongly, the nurses were both great about that and we had a giggle. Popped to Home Bargains for a few bits and that stressed the hell out of me!

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OldMike (01-05-18)

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## Paula

Thats a lot to cope with in one day, lovely. ....

----------


## Jaquaia

This afternoon is studying with music on I think. Starting to get agitated now and just need peace and quiet. Only just eaten so still need to take my meds, and my full arm is aching, no wonder when my inflammation markers are up again.

----------


## Suzi

Hunni can you try to take your meds at the same time each day? I know that was key to getting Marc's and my meds right... 

How has the studying gone?

----------


## Jaquaia

Appointment at 10am so needed to leave by half 9. Didn't find the energy to move until about quarter to 9 as I've been awake sing just after 6, about 4 hours sleep, not much more. Plan was to get ready and then eat and medicate, except my mother took forever in the bathroom and when you're desperate for a wee, eating is the last thing on your mind. By that point, it was too late to eat and I have to take the metformin with food. I find it much easier to take all my meds together as they I have it in my head that they're taken. So it's not as if it was deliberate.

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## Suzi

Sorry love, I didn't mean it to come across as if it was - I'd never think that....

----------


## Jaquaia

No it's me. I know you wouldn't. I'm just very, very irritable at the moment and struggling to manage it. My dad commented on it to my mum yesterday as I walked away from him while he was talking to me.

----------


## Paula

Is it possible, in those circumstances, to just grab a banana or cereal bar on the run?

----------


## Jaquaia

Normally I would but it never even crossed my mind today. Having a fight to get into the bathroom completely threw me.

----------


## Suzi

I can understand that..  :(bear):

----------


## Paula

:Panda: . Youve got a lot on at the moment, and are handling it all brilliantly

----------


## Jaquaia

I feel completely overwhelmed. I've completely miscalculated my finances and am having to lend off my dad for next week, which I feel guilty about. Have to admit that I've found it hard to control my spending urges too. I'm terrified about actually going for obvious reasons which I won't discuss here! I don't completely trust my self control as my mood swings have been so extreme lately, I've either spent the last 2 weeks crying or bouncing off the walls with excess energy! And after friday I lose that specialist support as he's already told me that he'll be discharging me.

----------


## Paula

Being discharged is a good thing, it means youve come a long way, its hard to see when youre in the middle of it but youve found new, better ways of dealing with the illness and the challenges it puts on you. However, being discharged is also scary and means you dont have that safety net anymore. Its hard to deal with the changes but I have total faith in you  :(bear):

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## Jaquaia

That's just it, I'm getting discharged because he can't keep me on his books while they wait and see if the new AD works. It's nothing to do with dealing with things better, it's purely a numbers thing and that is what scares me so much. If these don't work then the next step is a mood stabiliser but they can only be prescribed by a specialist. How much more fighting will I have to do to see someone who will actually prescribe them as my GP can't.

----------


## Suzi

So how do you get back to them if you need something else? Another long referral wait? Can he not give you an open appointment?

----------


## Jaquaia

I have no idea. I was so overwhelmed that he thought there was merit in looking at my treatment that I didn't think to ask.

----------


## Suzi

Can you ask on Friday?

----------


## Jaquaia

I can. I'm not sure if I can face going down the assessment route again.

----------


## Suzi

You can if you have to, so let's not worry too much now lovely....

----------


## Jaquaia

At the moment, everything is worrying me. Next week is a huge issue for me right now.

----------


## Paula

In my experience, no gp will prescribe new mood stabilisers but they will continue with repeats. Just tell him youre worried about assessment and ask if he could make a note on your file to suggest straight to him for future issues

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm just so tired yet my head is racing. J bollocked me earlier because I called half 6 a lie-in. What I didn't tell him is I was still awake at half 1.

----------


## Paula

I know this sounds obvious but Im going to say it anyway. You need to get your sleep pattern sorted. Is it something youve discussed with your gp recently? Are you taking anything?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've mentioned it and it's been ignored. I did mention it to the nurse prescriber. He said he doesn't want to consider mirtazapine for me because of the weight gain associated with it but didn't offer another option. I  don't think my GP will offer anything alongside it at the moment, not until they get the letter telling them my medication has changed.

----------


## Paula

How about sleeping tablets, for a short period to get your body clock sorted?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've been speaking to my best friend who used to be a mental health nurse. He's referred to how I am at the moment as a manic episode a few times and it would explain how I am functioning on so little sleep I suppose. I'm not even dozing during the day. Zopiclone did work for me before, but I think my GP will be reluctant to prescribe anything until they find out officially what meds I've been put on. Will mention is again to the nurse on friday though.

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Flo (02-05-18)

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## Paula

Good girl  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

Don't get too used to it...  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

Half 1, still wide awake but still able to post epic FB posts!  :Rock: 

Modest too! And maybe still on one....

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Flo (02-05-18)

----------


## Suzi

It's an epic post! Can I post it to the FB page? With or without name?

----------


## Jaquaia

You can and I don't mind either way!

----------


## Suzi

Awesome, thank you gorgeous lady!

----------


## magie06

Hi there. Thinking of you. Sending lots of hugs.

----------


## S deleted

Try not to have too much fun at the nut house lol

----------


## Jaquaia

I go to all the cool places!!!

----------


## Suzi

How'd it go? 
Did you ask about next steps and how to get re-referred to them again if needed?

----------


## Jaquaia

He's actually keeping me on, which is not what he said last time, and wants to see me in 4/5 weeks. I'm really, really agitated and fidgety today which he picked up on. He said my agitation should never have been dismissed by the doctors I've seen. He wants me to give the vortioxetine another 4/5 weeks at 10mg to see if it's going to have an effect. If it is and I'm still just as agitated, then he'll be looking at increasing the dose and potentially adding in quetiapine at a low dose.

----------


## S deleted

Hooray for someone taking your symptoms seriously and looking at various options to deal with the problem. I know it’s a month in limbo but at least there is a plan going forward. It’s all positive.

----------


## Suzi

That's awesome!!!!!!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not sure what to actually think now.

----------


## Paula

All you need to think now is that youve got someone whos listening to you, is recognising the symptoms and is doing something about it. You dont need to focus on anything else. Ftr, my agitation was the very first thing my first psychiatrist 17 years ago noticed and wanted to deal with ....

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S deleted (04-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

It's one of the things that bothers me the most as it's usually hand in hand with irritation. It's completely out of character for me.

----------


## Angie

Am glad someone is listening to you hunni x

----------


## Flo

It's taken long enough for them to realise that something needs to be done. That must be a relief for you. It's about time that you get the respect you deserve! Good for you for persevering.

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Paula (04-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I just feel completely deflated now. I'm still agitated but I feel completely flat. I've cried on the phone to J even though I tried so hard not to. My voice has no life to it, I feel exhausted even though I can't sit still and my skin is crawling

----------


## Paula

Thats exactly it though, lovely. Youre exhausted and, from experience, I can say that  its always when theres hope on the horizon that it hits just how exhausted you are

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't have time to be exhausted though. I have just short of 1400 words to write by first thing Monday. I have no idea how I'm supposed to muddle through

----------


## Suzi

You can do it lovely, just be kind to yourself along the way. You have to let yourself pace. You are exhausted, and the relief of someone finally listening is huge and it's going to hit you like a ton of bricks...

----------


## Jaquaia

I feel like I'm trying to tread water at the moment and keep going under as I don't have the energy to keep my body doing what it needs to stay afloat.

----------


## S deleted

Mate trust me, there may be the occasional gulp of salt water but trust me you are doing great

----------


## Suzi

Let us be your life ring and help you stay afloat love. The best thing you can do is talk and you know that.... How are you today?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not great. I'm agitated again and struggling to sit still yet I have no energy to do anything and all that's doing is making me more and more irritable.

----------


## Suzi

Can you do the background reading for your course?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've done the background reading. I need to start getting words down or I'm going to fail. But then there's nothing new there is there. I fail at almost everything I try to do.

----------


## OldMike

So NOT true Jaq I've every faith in you, you're struggling with the change in meds at the moment and but I'm sure you're trying your hardest and who can ask for more.  :(bear):   :Panda:

----------


## magie06

Maybe at almost everything BUT not everything. You probably need the rest. How is the sleep going? Are you getting more than 5 hours?

----------


## Suzi

I completely agree with the others - you do not fail at everything at all. You're dealing with a really hard time atm and the relief of someone listening is immense and certainly not something to be dismissed. 
Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. You'll get it all done, but maybe not all this week - email your tutor and explain if you need to.

----------


## Paula

Fail? You? No, not in the slightest.

----------


## Jaquaia

I am just struggling so much with just surviving at the moment. I suppose I'm in crisis. If I actually admitted even half of what is going on in my head then it would upset people. And before anyone suggests counselling again, I've been told that I can't have any while I'm under the secondary team.

----------


## Suzi

What about the crisis team? Are you safe?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm safe, just. My parents have picked up on me not being well so seem to be keeping an eye on me, or my mum does anyway. I've just been so jumpy and agitated today

I'm not getting very far with this essay at all. With incredible timing, J rang just as I finally cracked and started crying. He's made me email my tutor again and tell him just how much I'm struggling at the moment and has asked me to put everything away soon and get some rest.

----------


## Angie

I'm liking J more and more xx

----------


## Jaquaia

He is pretty awesome  :):  He can read me ridiculously well so I never get to hide anything from him.

----------


## Angie

Good!

----------


## Suzi

Good. I'm glad. Have you emailed your tutor?

----------


## magie06

I think you know how I feel about J. I hope that by talking it out, it won't feel so bad now. How's the resting going?

----------


## Jaquaia

I have emailed my tutor. Have to admit I'm not resting yet but need to give in I think.

----------


## Suzi

Time for resting please lovely lady....

----------

Angie (05-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I've given in finally. It's probably the first time I actually had a straight thought all day. He calms me so much.

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing lovely?

----------


## Paula

Hey, sweetie, how are you?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'd say ok but then I've been awake about 3 and a half hours and still haven't found the energy to get up

----------


## S deleted

Snap!

----------


## Flo

Why bother getting up until you're ready to. It's Sunday!

----------


## Suzi

Exactly! It's Sunday, have a lie in!

----------


## Angie

Dont get up unless you have to sweetie 
And Monday is a bank holiday so lie in time then to xx

----------


## Jaquaia

I have my essay to do so I need to be up  :(:

----------


## magie06

Can you promise yourself to do a broad outline of your essay today and maybe start it properly tomorrow?

----------


## Jaquaia

The deadline is 9am tomorrow  :(:

----------


## Jaquaia

I could cry! Just checked my email and my tutor has offered me more time! I'm so relieved.

----------


## S deleted

I bet thats a huge relief.

----------


## Angie

Brilliant hunni x

----------


## OldMike

That's good Jaq, now the pressure's off  :(whew):

----------


## Paula

Fab, Jaq

----------


## Jaquaia

I've decided to re-do the background reading but it's a struggle. It's taken me a couple of hours to re-read 3 pages and make notes. I'm hoping a bit more will sink in this time round but still panicking as I've not heard back from my tutor with the amended deadline, even though logically I know that he'll reply when he next checks his email and he's aware that I won't be submitting it tomorrow. 

Why can't my head just give me one day of working properly?!? 

And yes, I know! I'm ill, new meds, possibly need some outside the box thinking etc etc...

----------


## S deleted

I can’t concentrate on any book when I’m bad. I can read the same page 3 times and still not have a clue what it said. Maybe you need to step away from it for a while and do something different. Maybe go sit in the garden for half an hour, or watch a bit of tv, or go for a little walk. Anything that gets you out of your room and away from the books and laptop. Then go back when your ready and hopefully you’ll be better able to process stuff.

----------


## Suzi

I agree, sometimes walking away for 10 mins is the best thing...

----------


## Jaquaia

I've had a break for tea but just really, really agitated now.

----------


## Paula

Then take a little more time. Youre not going to be able to do this when youre feeling like this so maybe doing something completely different for half an hour could refocus your mind

----------


## Jaquaia

I've admitted defeat. And I will admit that my head is in a right mess. I've just blurted a lot of it out to J. How that man hasn't got fed up of me already I have no idea!

----------


## Angie

Because he cares and understands hunni x

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not convinced that I deserve it.

----------


## Paula

Yes you do, you really, really do

----------

Jaquaia (07-05-18)

----------


## Suzi

I agree, you really do... You can always let it all out to us too you know...

----------

Jaquaia (07-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I convince myself that you'll all get fed up of hearing it as it's the same thing all the time, that other people have real problens.

----------


## S deleted

I never get bored of you.

----------

Jaquaia (07-05-18)

----------


## Paula

You are no less deserving of our love and attention as anyone else, I promise

----------

Jaquaia (07-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't even know where to start

----------


## Angie

It doesnt matter where you start hunni x

----------


## Paula

Even one word would be a start, hunni

----------


## Suzi

> I convince myself that you'll all get fed up of hearing it as it's the same thing all the time, that other people have real problens.


What would you say if I said that to you? That I don't talk about things because I think that you'll get bored of hearing it? That I don't deserve to be listened to or that you, as my friend, wouldn't want to hear that I was struggling or in pain?

----------


## OldMike

> I convince myself that you'll all get fed up of hearing it as it's the same thing all the time, that other people have real problens.


Your problems are real Jaq, we are all here to listen *turns up hearing aid*

We'll never get bored of you  :(bear):

----------

Jaquaia (07-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

> What would you say if I said that to you? That I don't talk about things because I think that you'll get bored of hearing it? That I don't deserve to be listened to or that you, as my friend, wouldn't want to hear that I was struggling or in pain?


Ah! You see me and J often have this conversation. Our standard replies are "stop using logic against me" and "I embrace hypocrisy".

The truth is, I think other people are more worthy. I will do anything for anyone if it will help them. I just don't think I'm worthy of the same.

----------


## Angie

You are just as worthy hunni x

----------


## Suzi

I think the majority of us here would say exactly the same....

----------


## Jaquaia

There is just so much in my head and I don't know how to untangle it, even though I know that a lot of it is completely irrational.

----------


## Suzi

Then just let it all out... but by bit, word by word, bullet point it all?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'll try. I can't put all of it here but will try and get out what I can

----------


## Suzi

I'm proud of you for even trying...

----------


## magie06

You are doing so well to even mention that you are afraid to say anything. Well done you.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm just getting more and more agitated. You know those scenes you see on Black Friday, where it's a mad scramble to get to the bargains? That is what my head feels like. The moment I try and pinpoint one thing, everything else makes a mad dash for the exit...

----------


## Paula

Are you at all able to do some mindfulness?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm trying to focus on my work, though I am taking breaks. I have music on too, which usually relaxes me. I daren't start anything else for a little while as I can get obsessive and I have too much to do. I'm going to grab a shower a bit later and hope that helps.

----------


## Suzi

How's it going lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

Very, very slowly. I've achieved about a 3rd of the word limit but none of it is in any sort of readable order. I'm taking a break to get some of my stuff together for the weekend, otherwise I'll be panicking wednesday night and won't sleep properly. Not that I do anyway but you know what I mean. And my head is racing, I can't type this as fast as my head wants me to and it's making me feel very, very tense.

----------


## Suzi

Glad you're pacing....

----------


## Jaquaia

Except it doesn't feel like I'm pacing as I can't sit still...

----------


## Paula

Do you use essential oils to help you relax?

----------


## Jaquaia

I have some. Not sure where I've put them. But I do have a sleep pillow mist from avon which sometimes helps. Going to try a shower, hopefully it will relax me

----------


## magie06

How are you doing now?

----------


## Jaquaia

Still really agitated. My head is racing. Clean though!!! Clean is always a bonus!

----------


## Suzi

Hoorah for clean! 
Hope you've managed to calm a bit lovely...

----------


## Jaquaia

Nope. Still agitated, still can't sit still, thoughts still racing.

----------


## S deleted

> I'm going to grab a shower a bit later


But youre not seeing J tomorrow are you lmao

----------


## Jaquaia

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl): 

He thinks my mum knows too after that comment!

----------


## S deleted

Of course she knows. She’s no idiot.

----------


## Suzi

What? Tell all....

----------


## Flo

How's things today Jaq? Still racing? Do you think there's an underlying factor that's making you go into overdrive?...apart from the anxiety that is....with me it's either clockwork mouse or snail...rarely a happy medium!!...try and enjoy your day....and your BF. :(wasntme):

----------


## Jaquaia

Well for obvious reasons, there's only you guys here and a couple of my other friends who know about me and J. As far as anyone else knows, we're just friends as he wants to protect me from any nasty fallout.




> How's things today Jaq? Still racing? Do you think there's an underlying factor that's making you go into overdrive?...apart from the anxiety that is....with me it's either clockwork mouse or snail...rarely a happy medium!!...try and enjoy your day....and your BF.


I'm not seeing him until tomorrow Flo.  :(angel):  

I've woken up slightly agitated and already struggling to stay still. Yep, head is working slightly faster then I'd like. One of my best friends used to be a mental health nurse and he suspects I may have bipolar and that this is a manic phase. Not sure as my doctors have dismissed it.

----------


## Suzi

Are you keeping a log of your moods/symptoms? It might help.... It would make sense...

----------


## Jaquaia

I've been keeping track as much as I've been able to remember.

----------


## Suzi

What about using an app or a diary?

----------


## Jaquaia

I have a diary. I need to get it out again

----------


## Suzi

Please do lovely...

----------


## Jaquaia

I have to say, that is the first blood test that has ever sent twinges of pain down my arm....

----------


## Paula

Ouch. I feel your pain

Youre on mood stabilisers now arent you?

----------


## Jaquaia

More bloods tomorrow too as my gp wants my hormone levels looking at. 

I'm not. Just the vortioxetine. He wants me to give this a decent amount of time to get into my system as he could add in a mood stabiliser and there could be problems but we won't know what drug is causing it so we've wasted a month. Makes a lot of sense doing it this way really, it just doesn't help the agitation right now.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  Oh love! Sorry it's not straight forward for you now.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm used to things not being straightforward!  :(rofl): 

And to top all that off, it's 24 degrees and hot enough that I'm wearing a dress, I'm trying to do my essay (sat really ladylike  :(giggle): ) and my stomach has started! It can only be IBS but I'm fed up of doctors so never had it officially diagnosed...

----------


## S deleted

Oh I was diagnosed in a split second. I’d recently had full bloods done and so the GP saw that was fine and I’d barely got the words out and he was printing off fact sheets about managing IBS lol.

----------


## Flo

I think they all do it!!....if you have a dose of the runs and haven't had an India takeaway, been abroad, pigged out on fruit or drank too much Guinness...then the only thing left is IBS!!...just think...we could all be making 120k a year!! Simples!

----------


## Jaquaia

I will defend my GP! He had blood tests and me seeing a rheumatologist within 2 and a half weeks! Now I think that is awesome!!! And if my stomach doesn't settle, I can always use a cork  :(giggle):

----------


## S deleted

That doesn’t work lol

----------


## Jaquaia

As long as it settles for Friday night!!!!

----------


## Flo

> I will defend my GP! He had blood tests and me seeing a rheumatologist within 2 and a half weeks! Now I think that is awesome!!! And if my stomach doesn't settle, I can always use a cork


 :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

I hate IBS.. *sympathies*

----------


## Jaquaia

I have another 600 words to write and packing to do so starting to get even more wound up then I was...

----------


## Angie

One thing at a time hunni, can you do a few words then take a break by doing a bit of packing and so on ?

----------


## Paula

Youre almost there. You can do this *waves pompoms*

----------


## S deleted

Angie's idea isn't a bad one. say 30 mins on the essay then take a break and do some packing then back to the essay. Just stay away from the Haribo, lol

----------


## Jaquaia

At the moment, I'm panicking as my tutor hasn't actually emailed me back with a new deadline. Except the more I panic, the harder it is to get the words out. I don't think a lot of what I've written is relevant either. So just hoping for the best and at the moment, my best is writing a coherent essay, even if it doesn't completely answer the question.

----------


## Suzi

How are you lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm agitated. But seeing J soon so yay!!!!!  :(inlove):  

The plan today is breakfast, meds, shower, hugs, assignment, packing!!! I bet I forget something...

----------

OldMike (09-05-18)

----------


## Paula

One thing at a time. Breakfast done?

----------


## Jaquaia

And medicated

----------

OldMike (09-05-18),Paula (09-05-18)

----------


## Suzi

Packing sorted? Or a list written?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've selected my make up and got my dress out of the wardrobe. That's as far as I've got. Still need to finish my essay, my clothes are on the line drying, my anxiety had got to the point were I felt sick but J has settled that and kept me calm when my mum  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ed me off!

----------


## Suzi

What did your mum do/say?

----------


## Jaquaia

I was upstairs with J and she brought up some pjs and just tapped and walked straight in and started rambling on about some app the smoking cessation team are going to install for her and moaning about my dress riding up so she could see my knickers. First of all, you're supposed to knock and wait for a reply, not just waltz straight in! You invaded the only personal space that I have. Secondly, she knows that J is struggling at the moment so we could have been having an intensely personal conversation and she could have stopped him opening up further. Thirdly, it was just plain rude!!! It could have waited until after he left! There was absolutely no need for her to come in and stay there wittering on for so long. And then to moan about my dress being up, and actually pull it down, and it covered me, it was just where she was stood!!! One, get off me!!! Two, If I want to flash my underwear in my room I will!!!

----------


## Suzi

OO that would have really got to me! My girls are 13 and 14 and B is 17 and I wouldn't dream of that - normally I knock and then I say "OK for me to pop in?" I learnt how much I hated it when my Mum did it to me - oh and read my diary...

----------


## Jaquaia

I just flopped over J and buried my head in his chest. I didn't even think, I was annoyed and frustrated and it felt natural to turn to him. I'll be surprised if she doesn't comment on it. But I just thought it was really rude of her. And then my dad walked in to hand her her phone and she started taking the call in my room!!! FFS!!!!

----------


## magie06

Oh god. That's so rude. Aisling is 11 but her room is her business. The only time I go in there, is when she's not in there to either get her washing or return her laundry. I very rarely go in when she's at home.

----------


## Jaquaia

It's just really wound me up. Her only redeeming grace was her timing!!!

----------


## OldMike

That's not right at all, I know mums always see children as their babies but no way should she knock and walk straight in when she knows J is there. Could you get a lock fitted on your bedroom door if mum won't take the hint that it is your out personal space and no one should enter without good reason and bringing you a pair of PJ's ain't a good reason.

----------


## Jaquaia

She would have learnt her lesson if she'd walked in 20 minutes earlier...

----------


## S deleted

Explains why your dress was a tad revealing, lol

----------


## Jaquaia

It wasn't! It covered my butt, and that is no mean feat in itself!!! But from where she was stood at the door, she was looking up my dress!!! 

I did turn round and tell her that at least I was wearing knickers....

----------


## S deleted

but it doesn't count when you use them to warm your ankles lol

----------


## Jaquaia

Cheeky mare!!!  :(rofl):

----------


## S deleted

Hey, the only time I get to drop my knickers these days is to sit on the bog. I'm only jealous haha

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

My essay has hit 4 figures!!!!! Is it coherent? Yes!!! Is it relevant? Bits of it. But it is work I can hand in and correctly referenced.

----------

Suzi (09-05-18)

----------


## Paula

:(giggle):  I would pay money for your mum to have got in earlier!!!

Its completely inappropriate for any mum to do that - especially as youre not exactly a baby anymore. I wish there was a way right now to change your situation for you ....

----------


## S deleted

> I would pay money for your mum to have got in earlier!!!


Pervert lol. I once had practically the whole family walk in while I was on the job. My mum, sister and nephews, when they were small, all decided to pop in, sit on the bed and have a chat!!! My bf at the time just hid his face under the duvet too ashamed to come out.

----------


## Jaquaia

> I would pay money for your mum to have got in earlier!!!
> 
> Its completely inappropriate for any mum to do that - especially as youre not exactly a baby anymore. I wish there was a way right now to change your situation for you ....


 :Surprised: 

I think we both would have died of embarrassment and I would have had to sit through hours of moral lectures!!!

I know it will change. I just need to be patient.

----------


## S deleted

Has ya Ma said anything since this afternoon?

----------


## Jaquaia

They went to my sisters and I stayed home and worked on my essay.

----------


## Suzi

Good plan lol

----------


## Jaquaia

Anyone want to come and pack for me?

----------


## Paula

God no. I hate packing  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I have a pile of clothes and a toothbrush so far...

All I really want to do is relax now, I'm exhausted! I think the plan needs to be pjs, packing, and an early night

----------


## S deleted

Write a list of what you're taking tonight and then whizz round and pack it all in the morning. Actually just thinking about that it's not something I could do cos I'd panic I'd over sleep so have to get it done ready for a quick dash out the door in the morning if needed but I am the woman who turns a road trip into a military operation planning every minor detail and preparing for every eventuality.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm thinking if I can get it mostly done tonight then I can take it easy in morning. I just have no energy to move now

----------


## Suzi

Hey gorgeous, how are you? What's the agenda today?

----------


## Paula

Morning lovely!

----------


## Jaquaia

Just heading to the station now. Really, really agitated though and my anxiety is so bad I feel sick. Graham is meeting me at the other end with a mocha though!

----------


## S deleted

You’ve got him well trained.

----------


## Jaquaia

Due into Manchester Piccadilly in 6 minutes. Guess where I'm not....

----------


## Suzi

How's it going?

----------


## Paula

Hey, hunni, how are you doing?

----------


## S deleted

Are you there yet?

----------


## Jaquaia

Finally at the hotel! Signalling failure near Stalybridge meant that the train was a few minutes late leaving Hull. Got to Huddersfield to be kicked off the train as they'd cancelled the rest of the service. Get on the next train which is heading to Liverpool via Victoria station so text Graham to let him know. He heads to Victoria from Piccadilly. Still sat in Huddersfield as the train has no driver!!! Said signalling failure is affecting him getting across from Stalybridge... Train pulls in on the next platform while we're waiting for the driver, going via Piccadilly! At this point I decided to stay put as Graham was waiting for me at Victoria now. Driver finally arrives and we finally get underway only for the conductor to make an announcement...

The train is no longer going to Liverpool and will instead terminate at Piccadilly....

Anyway, 50 minutes late but I'm now at the hotel and checked in. Heading down to the bar soon but need my guts to settle a bit first...

----------


## OldMike

What a palaver Jaq at least you got there safe and sound in the end.

----------


## Paula

Oh no  :(:  are you ok after all that?

----------


## Angie

Oh hunni what a time you had travelling hope your more settled now though.

Please say a big hello to my home for me though I was born in the city centre of Manchester

----------


## S deleted

What's your room like? Had a chance to chill out or have you found the bar and currently drowning your anxiety?

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're having a brilliant time lovely x

----------


## Jaquaia

I've been very agitated, my friend Annie picked up on it. And Graham has kept an eye on me. Just got back to the hotel after a lovely meal with a small group of people and not laughed so much in ages.

----------


## Suzi

Glad you had a good time hunni... What's the room like? Can you distract from the agitation?

----------


## Jaquaia

It's basic and small but all i need is somewhere to sleep.

The meal with such a small group has helped massively.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  You're awesome.

----------


## Angie

Awww glad your having a good time xx

----------


## Paula

> You're awesome.


This  :):

----------


## OldMike

> You're awesome.


Jaq ^ wss (What Suzi Says)

----------


## Suzi

How was last night? This morning?

----------


## Flo

Being with a few close friends for a meal and time together is just what you need. A good laugh and happy banter is the best medication going....at least I think so. Glad you're having a great time. :(bear):

----------

OldMike (11-05-18),Suzi (11-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

It was lovely. Lovely meal with people I've known almost half my life. Tom and his friend had me crying with laughter. Had a laugh with the others when we got back to the hotel. Had a few pints. Went to bed about 3am after a private talk with Graham, who told me that I should talk to my friends more, they can see I've got issues and only want to support me with them, I'm not a burden, and it's about time I got the help I've needed for a long time

----------

Flo (12-05-18),OldMike (12-05-18),Suzi (11-05-18)

----------


## S deleted

The dude talks sense.

----------


## Angie

Second this he does talk sense

----------


## Paula

Oh Graham seems awesome! Youve got great friends, sweetie but thats not a surprise as youre so awesome  :):

----------


## S deleted

> You’ve got great friends


Of course she has. She’s got us.

----------

Flo (12-05-18),Paula (11-05-18),Suzi (11-05-18)

----------


## Suzi

I like Graham!

----------


## Flo

Three cheers for Graham!!

----------


## OldMike

I'll add may ha'penny's worth, you got a gudun there in Graham.

----------


## S deleted

How did it go last night?

----------


## Jaquaia

Last night? I was still going this morning!!!  :(rofl): 

It was a really good night, Lee Sharpe was very funny

----------

OldMike (12-05-18),Paula (12-05-18),Suzi (12-05-18)

----------


## Suzi

Are you having fun lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

It's been brilliant! And Steve is coming back out to play tonight!!!  :(rofl): 

The dinner stopped being about the football years ago. It's about family, and we are! We're a family. The love in that room for Tom last night was incredible to witness. I felt able to open up to Steve, his missus and Venkat and I knew I wouldn't be judged. In fact, they both made sure I knew how strong they think I am! We may only get to see each other once a year but it's always like we've never been apart.  :):

----------


## S deleted

So all the stress beforehand with the journey and it’s all been worth it. Really glad you’re having a great time.

----------


## Suzi

That's amazing! I'm so glad you're having such a great time!

----------


## Angie

Glad that your having a good time hunni x

----------


## Jaquaia

Missed my train....

----------


## S deleted

Oops.

----------


## Angie

Opps hope you dont have long till the next5 one hunni x

----------


## S deleted

You obviously didn’t want to go home lol

----------


## Paula

Ah, oops. How long til the next one?

----------


## Jaquaia

Got another hour to wait. Going to pop to the loo then go buy food and I'll be ready to go! 

I never want to go home.

----------


## Suzi

How'd the homeward journey go - apart from the missed train...?

----------


## Jaquaia

It was good and I got to see J as I went past his signal box. He made a point of standing outside the door and waving as I went past and it gave me a little boost.  :): 

 I hate coming home. I can relax and be myself with my football family. I have people around me who love me for the person I am, they can tell when I'm struggling and will take me to one side and give me a hug or a shoulder to lean on. I was able to admit to Graham that I was feeling a little fragile last night and he just hugged me while I talked. And being able to trust the other Graham with what I told him this morning... I think that tells you all you need to know about how close we are. But at home I don't have that. I don't have that group of friends. I go back to being alone and I am struggling with that massively already.

----------


## Paula

:(bear):

----------


## Suzi

I am so proud of you for telling G what happened! That's so awesome! 

So, you need to get you a group of friends near you, one step at a time lovely....

----------


## Jaquaia

He even offered to have a word with the other person but is willing to follow my lead. He did say that if he ever makes me feel uncomfortable then I'm to go and tell him straight away.

----------


## Suzi

That's fabulous!

----------


## Flo

I genuinely hope that one day in the not too distant future you'll be able to be with J in a place of your own. I think it would be the making of you. You have such a lot of responsibility at home ....and trying to deal with the problems of others as well as your own. :(bear):

----------

Jaquaia (14-05-18)

----------


## OldMike

Gotta agree with Flo you Jaq and J seem to be soul mates and definitely need a place of your own.

----------


## Suzi

How are you today lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

Honestly? I feel completely broken. I'm in tears as I type this. I'm so tired of always been alone. I'm tired of having to watch as everyone around me gets what they want. I'm tired of being tired and I'm tired of having to fight. This weekend away is always brilliant, I've known them for almost half of my life, but coming home, leaving that love and support behind jist highlights how lonely I really am.

----------


## Suzi

Oh sweetheart.... Is there anything I can do to help?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't think there's anything anyone can do really

----------


## OldMike

We're here for you Jaq I know we can't give you proper hugs but we can send virtual hugs expressing our support and love for you.  :(bear):   :Panda:

----------


## Paula

:Panda:  could this partly be down to tiredness?

----------


## Suzi

You've had such a great weekend reality now hits hard.. I'm so sorry that you are feeling so bad. Can you plan to be kind to you for today and tomorrow at least?

----------


## Jaquaia

It could be partly tiredness but I think it's more then that. It just feels cruel that I only get a weekend a year of feeling like I belong.

----------


## Suzi

It won't always be like that... Do any of them live close to you? Or easily commutable?

----------


## Jaquaia

The closest is Andy but I don't drive which makes it hard. The rest are all the wrong side of the pennines or the US and Canada, even Hong Kong.

----------


## Suzi

Selfish barstewards living so far away!

----------


## Jaquaia

I have absolutely no idea how the hell I managed it, especially considering the state I was in!!!! But I only went and got bloody 88% on my assignment!!!

----------

Angie (15-05-18),S deleted (14-05-18)

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo! Well done!!!

----------

Jaquaia (15-05-18)

----------


## Paula

Which hopefully tells you how good you are! Well done, sweetie  :):

----------

Jaquaia (15-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

My stomach hit the floor when I saw the email come through saying my marks were available! I'm really surprised.

----------


## Suzi

So pleased for you! Hope you slept well last night lovely.

----------

Jaquaia (15-05-18)

----------


## Angie

Brilliant hunni well done

----------

Jaquaia (15-05-18)

----------


## OldMike

> I have absolutely no idea how the hell I managed it, especially considering the state I was in!!!! But I only went and got bloody 88% on my assignment!!!


Absolutely brilliant Jaq  :(clap):

----------

Jaquaia (15-05-18)

----------


## S deleted

Hey, I just wish you had the belief in yourself that I have in you. Then the result wouldn’t be a surprise.

----------

Jaquaia (15-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

> So pleased for you! Hope you slept well last night lovely.


I slept ok. Was still talking to J at half 12 and was awake before 7. Laid in bed reading at the moment. 

I told my mum my mark...

"That's good but your grades are dropping"

 :(:

----------


## Paula

:Surprised:  maybe next time you just say youve passed and leave it at that?

----------


## Jaquaia

I had to explain to her that 70% is a First and that I have been pretty poorly lately. 

When I got my A level results, I rang her...

"I got A, B, C, D!!!"

"Yeah? And? what else?"

----------


## S deleted

That’s pretty much the sort of response I would got from my folks back in the day, not that I really did much to be proud of.

----------


## OldMike

> I slept ok. Was still talking to J at half 12 and was awake before 7. Laid in bed reading at the moment. 
> 
> I told my mum my mark...
> 
> "That's good but your grades are dropping"


Some people are never satisfied are they, don't bother what your mum said because we all think you did great.

----------


## magie06

I think you are really really smart. Congratulations on your marks. I don't think I've ever gotten a first in my life.

----------


## Suzi

My Mum was/is the same... Hope today is going OK for you x

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm studying until I have to leave for my appointment. Have to admit that I'm a little bit agitated today. Hopefully they've unstuck the bridge or we'll have to go through the city centre!!!

----------


## Suzi

Hope the appointment is good and easy for you lovely x

----------


## Paula

What times the appointment?

----------


## Jaquaia

It was 20 past 3. My inflammation markers are still high but they're coming down. She's left my meds as they are as she's hoping that getting my psychiatric meds sorted will help things settle. Had to explain why I was under the home treatment team and then had the what are you doing to help yourself questions. Why don't I try courses etc etc.

Have to admit though, my dads drinking has sent my anxiety sky high though.

----------


## S deleted

Why don’t you try courses? What courses are being offered? Surely anything is worth a bash.

----------


## Jaquaia

Between my appointments, my mums appointments, caring for her, studying for uni, spending time with J, trying to help out on 2 depression forums, attempting to do what I enjoy already, I'm not sure where else I'm supposed to fit anything else in. I'm struggling with that

----------


## S deleted

I kinda already knew the answer to that but thought I’d give you the opportunity to explain.

----------


## Suzi

Doesn't sound as if you have much time "for you" in there?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've never felt like I'm that important. But J makes me stop when he's here. In fact, he can be a little bit bossy when it comes to my welfare!! And he's taking me for tea before we go see The Bluetones on Friday night so it's like a proper date night  :):

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad. This is what you deserve...

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't feel like I do deserve it

----------


## Paula

Of course you deserve it.

I have to ask whether psych treatment is within the doctors training and experience and, if not, whether quizzing you on your treatment for depression is appropriate ......

----------


## Jaquaia

It wasn't even the doctor, I saw the specialist nurse today and I did feel uncomfortable...

----------


## Paula

I cant see she had any right to do that to you  :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

I felt like I had no choice but to agree to look into courses just to expand my social circle. I can already do the crafty stuff I'm interested in! And anything academic I would have to self fund, but I felt like I had to say I would at least look into it. 

It didn't help my agitation, especially when she asked about the marks on my arm. And if anything, the agitation is getting worse. I'm trying to do a diamond pic to distract my head from going to dark places but I can't stay still, my head is racing and my hands aren't moving as fast as I want them to and it's winding me up something chronic!!!

----------


## Suzi

She didn't have the right to go on like that love. You shouldn't have to explain yourself to anyone!

----------

Angie (15-05-18)

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm so tired of my head not being right

----------


## Suzi

I can sympathise...  :Panda:  :(bear):  :Panda:  :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

I just want my head to be quiet for a bit.

----------


## Suzi

Can you drown out the negatives with something more positive?

----------


## Jaquaia

My heads racing too much to focus on drowning anything out at the moment.

----------


## S deleted

That is where mindfulness comes in handy.

----------


## Flo

I feel for you Jaq. I've had just over 2 weeks without anxiety and agitation. I'm praying that it doesn't rear it's ugly head again anytime soon. It drives Ian mental, to the point where he'll go out to avoid it. That's something I haven't really mentioned recently. It's not something that I can tell 'normal' people cos they just don't get it!  Anyway, hope you have a better day today love. :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

How are you today lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm really not great. Already feeling twitchy and I've not even got up yet. Got teaching this afternoon and then going to my sisters. Can't really make anymore excuses to avoid people really...

----------


## Suzi

Can you distract until you need to go out?

----------


## Jaquaia

I need to get up and eat. Then there are bits I can do.

----------


## Suzi

How's the distraction going?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've ended u sat watching a fishing programme with my dad making smartarse comments, which is amusing me! But agitated again. It just seems to be constant now.

----------


## Suzi

When do you next see someone about your mh?

----------


## Jaquaia

4th June

----------


## Suzi

Can you bring it forward at all?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not really. He wants to give the vortioxetine a proper chance before he adds anything in.

----------


## Suzi

How long have you been on it love? 
Have you tried omega oils? I know, I know.. but I do know that they helped Marc....

----------


## Paula

Big, soothing hugs, lovely

----------

Jaquaia (16-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

4 and a half weeks at the moment, it will be 7 weeks when I see him next. I've not tried omega oils but I'll look into it. 

Well I've been signed off as competent to self-inject! The nurses were lovely and I felt so relaxed with them that my anxiety wasn't even an issue! It's raising it's head again now though. Even though it was a bit rude, I took a phone call from J while at my sisters as I knew it would help me get through. My niece has had me in stitches though!

----------


## OldMike

Taking a phone call from J is understandable, I think your sister will understand.

Oily fish such as salmon & mackerel have a lot of omega 3 in them.

----------


## magie06

Lovely when the small ones can make us laugh. Well done on becoming competent! I knew you could.

----------


## Suzi

Marc took these ones: https://www.hollandandbarrett.com/sh...1?skuid=010156
He took 3 a day and they really helped him... but obviously check everything with your pharmacist/dr...

----------


## Jaquaia

I will look into them.

I'm not doing good tonight. Tears aren't far away and the thoughts are always there, it doesn't matter what I do to distract, they're still there

----------


## Suzi

Oh I'm sorry lovely... I wish I could take it all away for you....

----------


## Paula

Sweetie, I just want to tell you how much youre loved and respected  :(bear):

----------

Jaquaia (16-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I just want my head to be quiet

----------


## Suzi

How's today looking lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

I woke up. I'm disappointed I woke up...

Fabulous start I think you'll agree!!!

----------


## Paula

> I just want my head to be quiet


Im sorry, love,and Im not making light of how youre feeling at all but this made me think of Worzel Gummidge and whether you could take off your noisy head and put on your quiet one  :(grin):

----------


## Jaquaia

I always hated that!!! One of my earliest memories is being off school sick, and for me to be off school I had to be really poorly!!! I was lying on the couch watching TV and my mum put Worzel Gummidge on. I hated it that much that I rolled over and spent the entire time staring at the back of the couch  :(giggle):

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):

----------


## OldMike

> I’m sorry, love,and I’m not making light of how you’re feeling at all but this made me think of Worzel Gummidge and whether you could take off your noisy head and put on your quiet one


I used to like that program with Jon Pertwee.

It'd be great if we could change a circuit in our brain and all would be good again.

Jaq fancy not liking Worzel Gummidge have you no taste  :P:

----------


## Jaquaia

I have excellent taste!!!

----------

OldMike (17-05-18)

----------


## Suzi

I used to love Worzel too!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't want to keep fighting today. It feels too hard. I just want to curl into a ball and disappear. I've been awake 4 hours now and only half dressed. Everything just feels like an enormous effort and I just want it all to stop.

----------


## S deleted

So don’t do anything. Have a day off. It is allowed.

----------


## magie06

I'm so sorry that this is so difficult for you. If only there was something that I could do. I'd swap places with you in an instant, as well you know.

----------


## Jaquaia

I wouldn't want my worst enemy to feel like this.

----------


## Paula

No, it sucks big time  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  :(bear):  :Panda:  :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

I've started this so many times and deleted it each time. I'm still working up the courage to tell J and I already know how he'll react. I'm feeling a little bit more level now but I had to make myself bleed to get there. I don't like it when I crack and SH, I feel like a disappointment to everyone. I feel exhausted now so am settling down in my pjs with a book, I'm just annoyed with myself. And yes, I've cleaned it.

----------


## S deleted

I get that. Obviously I wish you hadn’t hurt yourself but I get the feelings involved.

----------

Jaquaia (17-05-18)

----------


## Paula

You are are a lot of things but never a disappointment. Youre kind, funny, intelligent, caring - the list could go on. Just try to rest your mind this evening  :(bear):

----------

Jaquaia (17-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I've told J and he reacted exactly as I knew he would, just told me it was ok and how much he's going to hug me tomorrow.

----------


## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (17-05-18)

----------


## magie06

How about a virtual hug for now? Sending you abig hug.

----------

Jaquaia (17-05-18)

----------


## Suzi

Oh lovely... The others are right. You are never a disappointment. I wish - the same as everyone - that you didn't feel so bad that you felt you had to do it, but I am never disappointed in you. You're my friend....

----------

Jaquaia (17-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm just so tired of having to fight so hard to get through the day in one piece. I've had to promise J I'll have an early night tonight.

----------


## Suzi

I get that..  :Panda:  Sweetheart, switch off, distract and sleep... See you in the morning..

----------


## magie06

Good .ight. sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite.

----------


## Suzi

Morning lovely... How are you feeling today? Less anxious I hope...

----------


## Jaquaia

A bit calmer but still anxious! Going to York to see The Bluetones with J tonight and it's sold out!!!

----------


## Paula

Awesome! Thats come around quick  :):

----------

Jaquaia (18-05-18)

----------


## Suzi

You'll have J, you'll be more than fine sweetheart.... Talk to him....

----------

Jaquaia (18-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Paula, you're telling me!!! 

Suzi, I never have a choice. I can't hide things from him as he sees right through me.

----------


## Suzi

Good!  :):

----------


## Flo

It sounds as if you can't fake anything with J, and that's a good thing! :(nod):

----------


## S deleted

Tonight is date night isn’t it? Hope you both have a fab evening

----------


## magie06

I hope you enjoy your evening. I'm sure you will have a great time.

----------


## Jaquaia

> It sounds as if you can't fake anything with J, and that's a good thing!


I can't. Even over text which is incredibly frustrating!



> Tonight is date night isn’t it? Hope you both have a fab evening


It is!!! I'm nervous as hell because people, but so excited!!! And as sad as it may sound, I'm more excited about getting most of the day with him rather than a few stolen hours.




> I hope you enjoy your evening. I'm sure you will have a great time.


I know we will  :):

----------


## Suzi

Doesn't sound sad at all...

----------


## OldMike

I'm sure you'll have a great evening Jaq.

----------


## Paula

Have fun tonight!

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're having a ball!

----------


## Jaquaia

OHMYGOD!!!! THEY WERE AMAZING!!!!!! One of the best bands I've seen live and it made it so special for me to share it with J. I really do love that man so much!

----------


## Suzi

I'm so glad you had a great time!!!!

----------


## magie06

It sounds like you had a good night.

----------


## Jaquaia

It was absolutely brilliant. They sound utterly amazing live, they played all my favourites and ended on one of my all time favourite songs. I got to spend the whole evening with the man I love and everything just feels so natural between us, he encouraged me to get closer so I could see and I never felt any anxiety whatsoever as he was there holding my hand, and when the heat was making me feel sick and lightheaded, he looked after me. It was one of the best nights of my life and I can't wait to do it with him again for the Stereophonics in July  :(inlove):

----------


## Angie

Am glad that you had such a good time hunni

----------


## OldMike

I'm glad you had such a fantabulous time.  :(party):

----------


## magie06

That sounds almost idyllic. I'm glad you had such a good time. Take care of yourself today. Try to do nothing for the day. You will be tired after last night.

----------


## Paula

That post made me beam! Its so wonderful to see you happy  :):

----------


## Suzi

I'm so pleased for you!!!

----------


## Jaquaia

As sad as it may sound, I feel like part of me is missing today. We had such a lovely evening and it just made it even harder to let him go home.

----------


## Paula

:(bear):

----------


## Suzi

I wish it was so different for you both.

----------


## Jaquaia

It will be, it's just going to take time. We make a point to talk to each other about everything so if either of us need reassurance we know rather then letting things fester. It's all going to be worth it in the end   :):

----------


## Suzi

It is x

----------


## magie06

How was today for you?

----------


## Jaquaia

It's been quiet. I'm missing J terribly and they've changed his hours at work so I won't get to see him tomorrow either. I'm emotional and agitated. I didn't go to my sisters today as I'm struggling to manage people, so I hoovered the hall and stripped, washed and remade the beds. Still feeling agitated though and I'm snappy and irritable.

----------


## Paula

Oh sweetheart, Im sorry you cant see J tomorrow  :(bear):

----------


## magie06

Can you talk to him tomorrow?

----------


## Suzi

When do you get to see him next? Can you arrange to go out, rather than stay in your room?

----------


## Jaquaia

We talk every single day, it's rare that we go a day without speaking on the phone and we always text.




> When do you get to see him next? Can you arrange to go out, rather than stay in your room?


Wednesday this week and that's it. He said it will only be brief too but he'd rather see me briefly then not at all  :(:

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni, that sucks. I'm sorry....

----------


## Jaquaia

Everything seems to suck at the moment. I'm sick and tired of my head.

----------


## magie06

Can you do anything to make things a bit less sucky.

----------


## Suzi

I'm not going to teach you how to suck eggs, but you know that it's not always going to be like this...

----------


## Jaquaia

I just feel stuck at the moment

----------


## magie06

That's very understandable Jaq. You had a wonderful night Friday and I think you were expecting this crash afterwards.

----------


## Suzi

How are you today? What's on your agenda this week?

----------


## Paula

Morning, hunni

----------


## Jaquaia

Morning. I'm ok I suppose. Plan is to study. I need to try and catch up.

----------


## Suzi

Don't forget to drink lots whilst you're doing it lovely. Hope it goes well x

----------


## Jaquaia

Have to admit my drinking is slipping again, though it's not as bad as it was

----------


## Suzi

Have you managed to drink today?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not much. Trying to focus on my textbook and it slips my mind

----------


## Suzi

How are you this evening lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm plodding. Finished my chapter at least. Going to pack it away now and do something relaxing. Not sure whether to knit for a little while

----------

Suzi (21-05-18)

----------


## Suzi

Hope you've done something stress relieving..

----------


## Suzi

It used to be one of my little sisters favourite films we used to watch together!

----------


## Jaquaia

Slowly plodding through my work but have another assignment due in a couple of weeks and I'm about 3 weeks behind. Struggling to concentrate and feeling agitated and it's doing my head in as I need to catch up!!!

----------


## Angie

Try not to panic or stress about it to much I know that is so much easier said than done, but it wont help hunni, and am trying not to teach you to suck eggs there x

----------


## Suzi

3 weeks behind? As in 3 essays behind?

----------


## Jaquaia

3 weeks work, I should be working on week 16 but I'm on week 13. I'm up to date on my submissions.

----------


## Suzi

You can do it. Look at it one bit at a time, not all 3 together..

----------


## magie06

Try not to panic. Just do what you can and you will get there.

----------


## Jaquaia

I have bloods first thing then I'm going to crack on with it since I'll actually be awake early.

----------


## Suzi

Morning lovely x

----------


## Jaquaia

Morning. I need to get up. Bloods in an hour and then I have to do my first injection completely on my own...

----------


## Paula

Good luck

----------


## OldMike

You can do it Jaq I'm sure all will go well.

----------


## Jaquaia

Well I've just found out that I can't have bloods taken within 3 days of my methotrexate...

You would have thought that the rheumatology nurses would have told me that!!!

----------


## OldMike

That's a bit confusing you'd have thought you'd have been told that wouldn't you.

----------


## Paula

Oh no, what a waste of time. Have you made another appt?

----------


## Jaquaia

Luckily, the rheumatology nurses did make a point of telling me not to rush the injection and that stuck in my head, so as I got up late, I didn't bother doing it until I got back. 

Got to go back in 2 weeks unless my GP says otherwise as my CRP levels are still high. One thing the rheumatology nurse told me when she was teaching me to inject is my CRP level when I was first referred was one of the highest in the entire clinic! But just to show how much of a difference the methotrexate has made, my levels have dropped from 124 when I was referred last year, to 16.  :):

----------


## OldMike

Wow that's a huge drop and shows the methotrexate is doing its job  :):

----------


## Suzi

Wow that's an amazing job... Mine always hover around 100, but because it's osteo I can't have methotrexate  :=(: 

How did the injection go? A friend of mine did her first self inject on Monday - she did it facetimed with the nurse as they'd cancelled her appointment to teach her how to do it!

----------


## Jaquaia

It went ok. I was nervous but I think given time it will become second nature to me.

----------

Flo (23-05-18),OldMike (23-05-18)

----------


## Suzi

Well done lovely!

----------


## Paula

Thats a huge drop! Well done for this morning, hunni, you did great  :):

----------


## magie06

You are so brave. Well done. You've done loads already.

----------


## Angie

Thats definately a huge drop,

----------


## Jaquaia

I cried again!!! Why do I always cry??? He needs me to be strong for him and everytime I tell myself that I won't cry and I do and I'm sick of crying!!!

----------


## Paula

We cry for many reasons, sadness, joy, pain, and all because of our emotions. Sweetie, youre crying because he matters so much and I dont think theres anything wrong in that

----------

Flo (23-05-18),Jaquaia (23-05-18),OldMike (23-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I know you're right. He wouldn't leave until I'd told him why I was crying and he'd made sure I was ok. He said it's important to him that I'm not afraid to show him how I feel. It's just hard letting go when I've had to hide it for so many years and when crying was classed as emotional blackmail.

----------


## Flo

Forget the idea that crying means you're weak! Like Paula says, there's lots of things that make us cry....it's just another cleansing process, and far better to cry than keep it in and letting it fester. You've got quite a bit on your plate at the moment and you're dealing with it in your own way that's all.

----------

Jaquaia (23-05-18),OldMike (23-05-18)

----------


## Angie

I agree with Paula hunni and this may sound really odd, but am glad that you have been able to cry, it shows how far you have come that you're not holding back your emotions with him as it shows how much you trust in his care and love for you, does that make sense?

----------

Flo (23-05-18),Jaquaia (23-05-18),OldMike (23-05-18),Paula (23-05-18)

----------


## Suzi

I completely agree with the others. It's actually about the most healthy relationship I think you've had....

----------

Angie (23-05-18),Flo (23-05-18),Jaquaia (23-05-18),OldMike (23-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

That makes perfect sense Angie. He's probably the person I feel safest with and the only one who gets the real me. As sad as it sounds, I don't even feel completely safe around my dad. I love him to bits but I don't feel safe around him as he's an arse when he drinks. I've had to come up stairs as he's being a dick with my mum and I can't handle it right now.

----------

Angie (23-05-18),Flo (23-05-18),OldMike (23-05-18)

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  lovely.. I really hope that you are doing something nice for you x

----------


## Jaquaia

At the moment I'm just flopped face down on my bed. I want to do a bit more studying and then maybe find something to watch.

----------


## Suzi

Do something nice for you lovely.

----------


## Jaquaia

I've not even eaten yet.

----------


## Suzi

You haven't eaten anything all day? Hunni, you know you need to..... And drinking..... 

Please take care of you - actually scrap that - please take the kind of care of you that I would - oh and I'm a feeder!  :):   :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

I ended up just having a toasted cheese sandwich and a scone. I just feel exhausted.

----------


## Paula

Have you managed to drink?

----------


## Jaquaia

If I'm honest, I'm still on the same drink from this morning

----------


## OldMike

> I ended up just having a toasted cheese sandwich and a scone. I just feel exhausted.


Nothing wrong with a cheese sandwich and a scone, I'm quite partial to a cheese sarnie and a pickled onion.  :Panda:

----------


## Paula

> If I'm honest, I'm still on the same drink from this morning


Can you manage more today?

----------


## Suzi

Morning! 
Drink, eat, drink, medicate, drink  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I will try and manage more. Today is a struggle for reasons I mentioned elsewhere...

----------


## Paula

:(bear):

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  :(bear):  If there's anything I can do shout...

----------


## Jaquaia

I know. You guys are awesome

----------


## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

This drinking lark is hard today.

----------


## Suzi

How's the eating and drinking going gorgeous?

----------


## Jaquaia

Skipped breakfast and just had a sandwich, and a couple of biscuits and just had tea. only had 2 drinks so far but working on it. Just don't fancy much. I'm on edge again because my dad can be an arse when he's had a drink. But I am medicated.

----------


## Suzi

He seems to drink a lot... That sounds really triggering for you and your anxiety - which I understand to a point...

----------


## Jaquaia

He does. He starts about dinner until he goes to bed. It was better when he was at work, it's a huge trigger for me at the moment.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:  :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

I've finished week 13 and part of week 14. I've decided to put it away and give myself a break and do something for me and all I've done is flop on my bed. I have no energy to do anything. How much time have I wasted just staring at the wall or the ceiling? How many days have actually been bad but I've not recognised it because it's become my normal?

----------


## Paula

Recharging is not wasting time. If your body needs rest, then you need to rest.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm just tired of having to fight for even the small victories

----------


## Suzi

> I've finished week 13 and part of week 14. I've decided to put it away and give myself a break and do something for me and all I've done is flop on my bed. I have no energy to do anything. How much time have I wasted just staring at the wall or the ceiling? How many days have actually been bad but I've not recognised it because it's become my normal?


It's amazing how things become our normal...  :Panda:  Sweetheart you need to rest.... You have to remember you are fighting your own head along with everything else. It is exhausting, give yourself time lovely.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm just so tired. I'm tired of fighting. All I want right now is to have an early night with J. I just want to be able to lay there wrapped in his arms and drift off to sleep feeling safe and loved for once. I want to not feel alone. I'm tired of feeling alone. I'm tired of watching everyone else get their happy ending while I get left behind.

----------


## Paula

Youre not alone, hunni. I know lifes not what you want it to be yet but it will come  :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

I've got to go back to the doctors too. They rang me today. My GP has seen something in my blood results that he doesn't like and wants to see me about it. I asked the HCA yesterday and she said everything had come back normal so I'm really hoping he's not getting me back in because of my CRP level being raised. I still have active disease, it's why the consultant switched me to the injection. They've booked me in for a week on Monday, which just happens to be the same day I see the psychiatric nurse prescriber...

----------


## Suzi

If the doctor wants to see you, then surely they can get you in sooner than over a week ago...

----------


## Paula

Is it worth trying to get a telephone appt instead?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've just checked and it's not my usual GP so it's possible it is about my CRP levels. Or possibly about my hormone results. Hopefully that. But he is a very good doctor, he tried referring me to the secondary mental health team about 8 years ago.

My doctors are awful to get an appointment with but if results are a concern they'll get you in as quick as they can. I can wait.

----------


## Paula

You shouldnt have to wait. Youre going through a lot of difficulty, health wise, and should be a priority

----------


## Jaquaia

I haven't got the energy to try and get in quicker at the moment. I haven't even found the energy to turn my light on. I feel so close to breaking yet empty at the same time

----------


## Flo

Hope you're feeling a little better today love. I do feel for you. Getting through each day is a small victory in itself sometimes. And regarding J. You don't have to fight battles to win him! He's already yours..it's just a matter of time. I think you'll have a lovely future together. Pat yourself on the back. He's worth smiling for.x :(bear):

----------

OldMike (25-05-18)

----------


## Suzi

I'm with Flo completely, I really hope today is even a tiny bit brighter....

----------


## OldMike

Flo said everything way better than this old dude ever could. I'll just leave this for you  :Panda: 

You've found a soul mate in J and I'm sure you'll be spending lots of happy times together now and in the future.

----------


## Jaquaia

I laid in the dark until almost midnight, still awake at 1am. Woke up around half 7 and fell back to sleep until about half 10. It's the longest I've slept in a long while but I still feel tired. Still feeling empty and lost too.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry it was so crappy lovely. Are you getting out of the house at all apart from medical stuff?

----------


## Jaquaia

Other then for The Bluetones on Friday, not really. My sisters occasionally.  Sometimes I'd just rather have the house to myself then go and be around people.

----------


## magie06

Hugs for you my love. Try for something to award yourself for getting this far, over the weekend.

----------


## Jaquaia

I want to try and do some study first. All I've done is come up and lay down so far...

----------


## Suzi

I've not managed to be particularly productive today.... I am exhausted from top to toe and have less motivation than an empty snail shell! 

 :Panda:  :Panda:  How's it going? Have you eaten? Had a drink yet?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've eaten, quite healthily too!!! There was greenery in my sandwich!!! Didn't see the point in breakfast as I went downstairs so late. I've had some orange juice and half a glass of pepsi so far. I'm trying to make notes from my textbook, it's slow going. Had a few bouts of crying too and tears never feel far away. Just feeling so fragile today.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry about the tears lovely, but I'm glad you've eaten and had something to drink too..  :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm just feeling miserable tonight. Being sociablle with my brother was hard.

----------


## Suzi

I can understand that. Are you keeping a mood diary? It might help to keep a note to show your nurse prescriber..

----------


## S deleted

> I'm just feeling miserable tonight. Being sociablle with my brother was hard.


But your bro is ace and well worth making an effort to be sociable. I know it’s not always easy but the best things in life rarely are. Did you see J today?

----------


## Jaquaia

Nope, he's been in Manchester since lunch

----------


## Paula

Morning, sweetie, how are you?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've been better. Had about 5 hours sleep and don't have the energy to get up just yet. Fed up of feeling like this but have to plod on.

----------


## Paula

What are your plans for today?

----------


## Jaquaia

Do some more note taking. Maybe even some knitting. Not much more then that really.

----------


## Suzi

Have you thought of trying to find something more social to get you out and meeting new people? Something like a book group - or would that all just screw with your anxiety - I know it would Marc...

----------


## Jaquaia

At the moment it would screw with my anxiety. I want to get caught up with my uni work and in a good working habit though and then start my Counselling level 1

----------


## Suzi

Go you!

----------


## Paula

Would going to a coffee shop and doing your uni work there be tolerable?

----------

Flo (27-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Somedays it would be. More no then yes at the moment

----------


## Suzi

Or a library?

----------


## Flo

I used to study at the library, - or try - but I spent more time watching everyone else and got precious little done. But it might suit you. You can remain anonymous, but at the same time have people around you to observe to take your mind off anxiety for a bit. Doing anything today?

----------


## OldMike

The library sounds a good place to study and you can buy cups of coffee at a reasonable price at our library so may be able to at your local library too.

----------


## Suzi

Hey gorgeous, how you doing?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok but already on edge. I'd forgotten J is at work in York on Wednesday too so have to wait til Friday to see him, so not happy about that either. Actually slept til just after 10 but still tired.

----------


## Suzi

That sounds like a long time to be without seeing him - sorry it's like that... 
Today seems a tired kind of day - we're the same...

----------


## Jaquaia

The way we're looking at it is how much we miss each other when we're apart has got to be a sign of how much we're meant to be together. It's hard, but if we can get through this then we can get through anything.

----------


## Suzi

Absolutely.

----------


## magie06

Exactly. I hope today isn't too bad for you and your edginess can be put into studying instead of driving you daft.

----------


## Jaquaia

Too late for that magie! I'm already daft!!!  :(rofl):

----------


## magie06

:(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

Done a fair bit of studying but it's hard to focus. Took a break but my dad was going on and on, he often does when he's been drinking, so I had to escape again. Hoping if I keep plodding I will slowly catch up.

----------


## Paula

I hope youre proud of how hard youre working at this - youre an inspiration  :):

----------

Angie (27-05-18),Jaquaia (27-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't see that. I just see how far behind I am but I've always been my biggest critic

----------


## Suzi

I'm seriously proud of you!

----------

Angie (27-05-18),Jaquaia (27-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm determined that I will reach my full potential this time around. I feel like I let myself down with my first degree as I did the bare minimum. I know it was wh I started getting ill but I'm still disappointed.

----------


## Suzi

I can understand that, but you can do this. I know you can!

----------

Angie (27-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Well I may be biting off more than I can chew but...

My plan is to start the second module in September and in the meantime do my level 1 in counselling and hopefully start my level 2. Do my level 3 next year and gain my accreditation to practise. Hopefully become well enough to work and be able to help people. Change my degree to full time so I can graduate in 4 years, instead of 6, and potentially volunteer as a listener for the Samaritans, alongside gaining my MSc anf PhD.

Not much really  :(giggle):

----------

OldMike (28-05-18)

----------


## Angie

I can speak for a lot of us here when saying this but you are a wonderful and determined person so we know you can do this x

----------

Jaquaia (28-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

J will keep me focused. He's quite bossy when he wants to be  :(giggle):

----------

Angie (28-05-18)

----------


## Paula

> Well I may be biting off more than I can chew but...
> 
> My plan is to start the second module in September and in the meantime do my level 1 in counselling and hopefully start my level 2. Do my level 3 next year and gain my accreditation to practise. Hopefully become well enough to work and be able to help people. Change my degree to full time so I can graduate in 4 years, instead of 6, and potentially volunteer as a listener for the Samaritans, alongside gaining my MSc anf PhD.
> 
> Not much really


Wow! That is a big plan ......  :O:

----------


## OldMike

_WOW_ brilliant plan, I'll be supporting you all the way and waving pom poms.

----------

Jaquaia (28-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

> Wow! That is a big plan ......


He makes me actually want to look to the future  :): 




> _WOW_ brilliant plan, I'll be supporting you all the way and waving pom poms.


Awwww thanks Mike!!

----------


## Flo

That IS a brilliant plan. It'll give you something to focus on, and I'm sure it'll help your anxiety. Well done.

----------

Jaquaia (28-05-18)

----------


## Suzi

I think your plan is fabulous!

----------

Jaquaia (28-05-18)

----------


## Angie

Second all the above hunni x

----------

Jaquaia (28-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I may not achieve it all. I just need to remember to breathe and not beat myself up if I'm unable to do something. But since I met J, I'm looking forward to the future, I'm actually planning for the future!!! That's something I've not done in a long time.

----------


## magie06

I just going to repeat what every said, that is a brilliant plan. I have every confidence in you and I know that you can do it!!

----------

Jaquaia (28-05-18)

----------


## Suzi

> I may not achieve it all. I just need to remember to breathe and not beat myself up if I'm unable to do something. But since I met J, I'm looking forward to the future, I'm actually planning for the future!!! That's something I've not done in a long time.


i can't tell you how thrilled for you I am!

----------

Jaquaia (28-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I can feel my mood sliding. I just want a few stable days without having to fight tears. It's utterly exhausting...

----------


## Angie

Oh hunni can you find a distraction

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm reading, but in hindsight, 'Me After You' may not be the wisest choice.

----------


## Angie

I've never read it so cant comment but if its not helping could you get your knitting out ?

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're doing ok lovely x

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm plodding, just feeling low. 

Angie, it's the sequel to Me Before You. It's about how she deals with her grief after the events in the first book.

----------


## Angie

I havent read either hunni sorry xx

----------


## Paula

:Panda:  youre right, not the most uplifting book choice, but wonderful novels

----------


## Jaquaia

I think she's a wonderful author. 'The Girl You Left Behind' is brilliant too

----------


## Angie

Will have a look out for them am always reading

----------


## Jaquaia

They're by Jojo Moyes

----------


## Angie

Thank you sweetie xx

----------


## Suzi

How are you today gorgeous?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok I think. It's weird, I feel quite numb, I'm missing J a hell of a lot, yet he's said some incredibly moving things to me which has made me feel loved and happy and made me smile and in the background there's agitation. How can I feel numb and happy and agitated at the same time?

----------


## Flo

Maybe it's because anxiety and agitation have been so familiar to you and so much a part of your life, and being happy is a relatively new feeling! Maybe one day the two A's will give up the ghost and happiness will take over. Let's hope so eh?

----------


## Suzi

Maybe because you are completely in love!

----------


## Jaquaia

I really am  :):  only 2 and a half days and I get to see him  :): 

I just wish my mood was more stable. I can feel myself sliding again.

----------


## Paula

> Maybe because you are completely in love!


Shes not wrong! Apparently cortisol is responsible  :O:

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

Anxiety is rising now. At least I've already eaten so can disappear upstairs very soon...

----------


## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni! Can you do something for you lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm going to do a bit more studying and then take a break. I have music on in the background which helps.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  :(bear):  Can you relax after?

----------


## Jaquaia

I can but try.

----------


## Suzi

Good!

----------


## Jaquaia

Finally in my pjs. Plan was to settle down with a book...settling down with caramac buttons instead...

----------


## Suzi

Yay for PJ's and for caramac buttons!

----------


## Angie

Caramac buttons sound a good idea, now do I have to get the water bottles out  :P:   :Kiss:

----------


## Jaquaia

I've refilled it!!! Honest!!!

----------


## OldMike

Had to look up caramac buttons to see what they were, must admit they look very tempting I'd guessed that caramel was the main ingredient now I want some but will have to make do with a cup of Cadbury's hot choc instead  :O:

----------


## Angie

Okies will let you off this time  :):

----------


## Paula

Morning, lovely!

----------


## Jaquaia

Morning! A 40 minute phone call with J is a wonderful way to start the day!  :(inlove):  

Plan today is breakfast and then studying. I need to finish this bloody chapter!!!

----------

Suzi (30-05-18)

----------


## OldMike

What a great start you must be firing on all cylinders and rarin' to go so that "bloody chapter" doesn't stand a chance  :O:

----------


## Angie

Brilliant start to the day x

----------


## Suzi

How's the day progressed love? Finished that chapter yet?

----------


## Jaquaia

I have about 9 pages left. It's slow going as I'm highlighting and making notes as I go along and my wrist is aching. 

Only just realised it's Wednesday too so only just done my injection!

----------


## Paula

But at least its wednesday still when youve realised  :O: 

Youre doing great today, just thought you should know

----------

Angie (30-05-18),Jaquaia (30-05-18)

----------


## Suzi

Paula's right, you really are doing brilliantly!

----------

Jaquaia (30-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't really see that. J told me that I should learn how to recognise my strengths as I never give myself any credit for being academic and learning things quickly. Pot and kettle!

----------


## Suzi

Thing is, it's not only academically that you need to recognise your strengths.... Or that you are actually a really bloody lovely person!

----------

Jaquaia (30-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Erm... I don't know what to say to that  :(blush): 

I think I'm just being me and there isn't anything all that special about that.

----------


## Suzi

Take it from me, you are a very special (in a good way) lady x

----------

Jaquaia (30-05-18)

----------


## Angie

Am not going to do more than say Suzi is right hunni x

----------

Jaquaia (30-05-18)

----------


## Paula

Being you is fantastically awesome  :):

----------

Angie (30-05-18),Jaquaia (30-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Awww thanks. I'm actually blushing!!!

----------

Suzi (30-05-18)

----------


## magie06

You should be! But it's all true.

----------

Jaquaia (30-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh thanks by the way!!! I showed J your comments and he's now feeling very smug!  :(rofl):

----------


## Angie

lol...

----------


## Suzi

Glad we made you smile, but I promise you none of it was just empty words...

----------

Angie (31-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I know. I just have a huge problem believing in myself

----------


## Suzi

Can you start with believing that we believe that you are awesome?

----------

Angie (31-05-18)

----------


## OldMike

All the previous posts are true, academically you're a star and a fantastic person to boot you'd better believe it.

----------

Flo (01-06-18),Jaquaia (31-05-18)

----------


## magie06

How are things today?

----------


## Jaquaia

I have to admit that I'm struggling today. My mood dropped a bit before sleep and I ended up crying. I've woken up with hardly any energy. It's taken me a couple of hours to get up and dressed, I did want to shower but no energy for that so will try again before bed. I've had breakfast but I didn't want it, I only ate because I needed to take my meds. I feel tired and numb.

----------


## Paula

Well done for getting up, eating and taking meds. If thats all that can be dealt with today, then thats pretty good.

----------


## Jaquaia

I have to push through. TMA week next week and I'm still 3 and a half weeks behind

----------


## magie06

But you are getting there. You are getting on with things and that's what counts.

----------


## Suzi

You've got this. You can do this. I know you can. I have every faith in you.

----------


## Angie

I have every faith in you that you will do this

----------


## Jaquaia

Week 14 finally completed! I even worked through the fire brigade calling round to sort out smoke alarms! Still a lot to do but I'm a little bit closer.

----------

Flo (01-06-18)

----------


## magie06

Excellent! Well done.

----------

Jaquaia (31-05-18)

----------


## Paula

See? Despite having a bad day you still manage it. Well done

----------

Angie (31-05-18),Jaquaia (31-05-18)

----------


## OldMike

Well done I knew you could do it  :(nod):

----------

Jaquaia (31-05-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

> See? Despite having a bad day you still manage it. Well done


I told you so would have meant less typing  :O:

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):

----------


## Angie

:(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

I was going to start the next weeks work but my hands are so achey I thought I'd rest them instead as I really don't need a flare up right now.

----------


## Paula

Sounds very sensible to me

----------


## Suzi

Well done for completing week 14! 
I'm even more impressed that you paced and rested your hands!

----------


## Jaquaia

I've had to. My wrists are throbbing. The annoying things is my left wrist is worse and I'm right handed!!! I would have thought my right would be worse with all the writing I've been doing.

----------


## Suzi

I'm sorry lovely.... I hate that you're in pain. 

Hope today is more than OK for you - do you have anything lovely planned for today and the weekend?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm actually really giddy and full of butterflies this morning as I'm seeing J before he starts work  :(inlove): 

After that, just studying

----------


## Paula

Great start to the day  :):

----------


## Suzi

Horray!

----------


## Angie

Brilliant way to begin today hunni x

----------


## Flo

J will boost your day! :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I feel much more content now I've seen him. Just being able to lay cuddled up after so long not seeing him was wonderful  :(inlove):

----------


## magie06

Your post made me happy. I'm glad you had such a wonderful start to the weekend.

----------

Angie (01-06-18)

----------


## Suzi

So glad you spent some time with him today.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm missing him now though. Hate having to let him go  :(: 
Seeing him monday though.

----------


## Suzi

Monday's not that long lovely - no matter that it feels like forever right now...

----------


## Jaquaia

I know. I think I'm just very aware that I don't get long with him on monday as I'm seeing the nurse prescriber at 12.

----------


## Angie

Right now it's just a case of making the most of the time you have together xxx But it won't always be this way xx

----------


## Suzi

Exactly as Ange says - it sucks for now, but it won't be like this forever.

----------

Angie (01-06-18)

----------


## magie06

You are doing great. Yes it sucks, but like the others say, it's not forever.

----------


## Jaquaia

We actually fell asleep together. It's something we do fairly often, I think because we can both relax fully with each other. I know it's all going to be worth it though, I have no doubts whatsoever.

----------


## OldMike

> We actually fell asleep together. It's something we do fairly often, I think because we can both relax fully with each other. I know it's all going to be worth it though, I have no doubts whatsoever.


Aww that's so cute I'm imagining you and J as two little kittens curled up together snoozing away  :):

----------


## Suzi

It will be good in time lovely...

----------


## Jaquaia

I know. As sad as it sounds, he makes me feel safe for probably the first time in my life.




> Aww that's so cute I'm imagining you and J as two little kittens curled up together snoozing away


Usually wrapped very tightly in his arms and even his snoring doesn't annoy me  :):

----------


## Suzi

Awwwwww

----------


## magie06

What's on the agenda for today?

----------


## Jaquaia

Studying and some knitting. Studying seems to be all I do just lately.

----------


## Suzi

But are you enjoying it?

----------


## Jaquaia

I am but it can get a bit overwhelming. I know my mental state makes it harder but I have to plod through.

----------


## magie06

Frequent breaks are prescribed from Galway.

----------


## Jaquaia

J showed up before work to surprise me!!! Very, very happy bunny now  :(inlove):

----------

OldMike (02-06-18),Paula (02-06-18)

----------


## Angie

Take things one thing at a time hunni but you can and will get there, sorry got distracted while posting thats brilliant that J turned up hunni x

----------


## Suzi

How's the rest of your day been?

----------


## Jaquaia

Finished my chapter so can do all computer based work tomorrow and hopefully do most of week 15, done some knitting, and just talking to J  :):

----------


## Angie

Sounds like a really productive and positive day hunni

----------


## magie06

Did anyone tell you today that you are amazing?

----------


## Jaquaia

J has, several times! But he tells me that every single day  :(inlove): 

I've not done as much as I'd have liked to but it's a good chunk done.

----------


## magie06

It's amazing how much you did!!! Look back to a couple of weeks and you could hardly get up to take your meds. You are bloody amazing.

----------

Jaquaia (02-06-18),Suzi (03-06-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

It's still taking me a couple of hours to get up but I'm starting to see an improvement I think.

----------

Suzi (03-06-18)

----------


## magie06

I see a huge change. You are getting there. You didn't get sick overnight and you won't get well overnight either. I was told that the length of time you are sick, is the amount of time that it takes to get well again. 
You are really doing so well and as someone just looking on, I wish I had your strength.

----------


## Jaquaia

Are you kidding me? I think you're one of the strongest people I know. I remember what you were like when you first signed up. You're a lifetime away from that now, and look at how you came through your crisis. You're awesome! 

I don't think I'll ever get better, a doctor has told me the same, but I think I can get to a stage where it's manageable. J makes such a huge difference to me. Between him and the support and encouragement I get here, I know I can get to a place where I can have a life again.

----------


## magie06

Of course you will have a life again! It will be a lot different from the life you had before, but it will be twice as good and maybe even better than that because you will have J.

----------


## Paula

Better is a relative term, Ive learnt, and I know that I can live with better enough

----------


## Suzi

Better is awesome. How's your day going?

----------


## Jaquaia

To be honest, pretty crap. I'm feeling pretty low and it's not lifting. I'm changing my bed at the moment as I've bought some more awesome bedding. It was 50% off at La Redoute over the BH weekend and I'd had my eye on it for the last year so thought I'd treat myself. Have started cleaning the bathroom too. I'm agitated and the activity is keeping that at bay.

----------


## magie06

Talk to us so. Tell us what's wrong and get it all out of your system. I understand so of it but I find agitation can be talked out too.

----------


## Suzi

What's the bed linen you bought? Is it fantastic?

----------


## Jaquaia

It's this one;
https://m.laredoute.co.uk/ppdp/prod-...RoCebUQAvD_BwE

I also have this one; 
https://m.laredoute.co.uk/ppdp/prod-...artrecospdptop

The 2nd one I got 40% off otherwise I wouldn't have bothered. I just love the colours and the patterns. They make me happy to look at.




> Talk to us so. Tell us what's wrong and get it all out of your system. I understand so of it but I find agitation can be talked out too.


I'm not even sure. I just feel really flat and empty, yet at the same time, sitting still is winding me up. I'm sat studying but having to fidget or I just feel like I need to scratch itms?

----------


## magie06

Have you a fidget spinner? You could be fidgeting with that and studying at the same time.

----------


## Jaquaia

I've not. And my dad is just making me more and more agitated as he's been drinking again. I'm really, really on edge.

----------


## magie06

Look into getting one. They don't cost that much, and they are good for giving you something to do, even while studying. 
Can you get out of your dad's way, by going to your room or something?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tea isn't far off. I  don't get why it affects me so much now. I always managed to switch off before. He's always drank so it's not like it's anything new. I just can't wait to get out of here.

----------


## Paula

Beautiful bed Linen!

----------

Jaquaia (03-06-18)

----------


## Suzi

I agree, that bed linen is beautiful! It is a happy bed linen! 

What is it about your Dad's drinking you don't like? 
Are they both still not smoking?

----------

Jaquaia (03-06-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know. I suppose a lot of it is because he can sound quite aggressive when he talks and he can just be an utter dick. Possibly because of my experiences with dickhead, he never really drank but when he started sounding aggressive I soon learned to back down. I have memories of that aggression being aimed at me too...

----------


## Suzi

That would explain it all.... 
 :(bear):   :(bear):   :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm just struggling today and I'm so tired of struggling. 

Have another appointment with the nurse prescriber tomorrow then have to go see one of the GPs too. If it's about my CRP level I may just scream....

----------


## Suzi

Hope it goes well... Are you feeling that this drug and dose seems to be helping at all?

----------


## Jaquaia

I think there's a slight difference but I'm still very up and down. I'm not wishing I could end things anywhere near as often.

----------


## Suzi

That has to be progress surely?

----------


## Jaquaia

It is, but not enough. I want to be able to have a quality of life.

----------


## Paula

When do you have a meds review next?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tomorrow. He didn't want to touch the dosage until they'd had a decent chance to get into my system

----------


## Paula

Ok, please make sure you tell him everything

----------


## Suzi

Don't know what time your appointment is, but I hope it goes well lovely x

----------


## Flo

Hope you get on ok today Jaq.

----------


## Jaquaia

He's increased my dose to 15mg and wants to see me again in 5/6 weeks. I mentioned that the agitation is still an issue but because I seemed more relaxed today then the last time I saw him he's hoping the increased dose will help that. Though I did see J this morning so there's no wonder I'm more relaxed  :(inlove):

----------


## Jaquaia

Ffs!!! I got called in to the doctors to be told I have PCOS. No  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  Sherlock!!! I was told that about 10 years ago!!! Tell me something I don't know!!! 

"You will need help to get pregnant"

"You may experience some facial hair growth"

Why am I here??? You could have read through my notes to find this out!!! You could have then spoken to me on the phone!! Complete waste of an appointment that someone else could have used!!!  :@:

----------


## Angie

Oh bloody hell hunni  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Glad the hospital went ok - What a pita from your Dr though....

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm angry and a little upset about it. He was going on and on about fertility treatment without even asking me if it was what I wanted!

----------


## Angie

I would be the same aswell hunni x

----------


## OldMike

Glad hospital went okay.

Your doctor seems a bit of a dipstick to go on about fertility treatment without ever asking if you wanted to go down that road.

----------


## Suzi

> I'm angry and a little upset about it. He was going on and on about fertility treatment without even asking me if it was what I wanted!


That's rude and insensitive!

----------


## Jaquaia

Suzi, his suggestion was metformin and folic acid would help, which goes to show just how much attention he paid to my notes, seeing that I've been on metformin almost 10 years now and folic acid about 9 months.

----------


## Angie

I would of told him to come back to me when he had bothered to read my notes xxx

----------


## Paula

What did you say to him?

----------


## Jaquaia

I just told him that I was already on them. I was completely thrown by the fact he hadn't even so much as glanced at my notes, not even my repeat prescription list.

----------


## Suzi

That's awful! This isn't your usual dr then?

----------


## Jaquaia

No but he's usually very good. All he's done is up the metformin.

----------


## Suzi

So frustrating!

----------


## Jaquaia

There's not a huge amount I can really do about it.

----------


## Suzi

Morning chickydee, how are you today?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've woken up to a tendonitis flare up so not happy!

----------


## Angie

:Panda:

----------


## Paula

Ouch  :(:

----------


## Suzi

Oh no! Are you going to rest it a bit?

----------


## Jaquaia

A bit difficult as I have to go with my mum to the hospital this afternoon. The pain is radiating down my arm so going to get up and take some painkillers.

----------


## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Hope the pain has eased lovely...

----------


## Flo

Is it feeling any better now? :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

It's not. I may even have pulled something. I just know that it's difficult to get comfortable enough to study and I've got to deal with my mums wheelchair in a coupple of hours  :(:

----------


## Paula

How are you doing?

----------


## Jaquaia

Honestly? Crap! My arm is throbbing from my shoulder down to my wrist, it took forever to find a parking space at the hospital, my dad left a case of lager in the boot which made it harder to get the wheelchair out, the wheel wouldn't attach properly and is now stuck so my mums had to walk, and there were only 2 lifts available so took forever just to get to the 1st floor. And apparently asking someone to press the button for the first floor is rocket science!!!

Short answer is stressed, agitated and in pain  :(:

----------


## Suzi

Hope you've managed to get some space and relax at least a little...

----------


## Jaquaia

I've only actually been home about 10 minutes

----------


## Angie

How are you know hunni x

----------


## Jaquaia

I've come up to study and resorted to ibuprofen as paracetamol wasn't touching the pain. It's easing a bit now but getting comfortable isn't easy

----------


## Suzi

A long and difficult day... What's happening tomorrow? Can you take it as a pace day?

----------


## Paula

Do you have any stronger painkillers you can have if you need it?

----------


## Jaquaia

> A long and difficult day... What's happening tomorrow? Can you take it as a pace day?


I need to study. Assignment is due next Thursday and I'm just starting week 16. I should be on week 18.




> Do you have any stronger painkillers you can have if you need it?


I did think I had some naproxen left but I must have used it last time I had a bad flare up. I'll be ok once I get comfortable in bed.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  Might be worth getting some in case you need it...

----------


## Jaquaia

It's rare that it flares like this. I'll mention it next time I see the rheumatologist though in case it's linked to the RA

----------


## Angie

:(bear): hunni xx

----------


## Paula

> It's rare that it flares like this. I'll mention it next time I see the rheumatologist though in case it's linked to the RA


And speak to your GP about painkillers in the meantime??

----------


## Suzi

Morning gorgeous. How are you today?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok. Just spent an hour on the phone with J as he drove into York  :):  my shoulder is absolutely fine today, which is weird but generally how it goes! 

Paula, I will

----------


## Paula

Good girl  :O:

----------


## Flo

Glad you're feeling better today Jaq. :(nod):

----------


## Jaquaia

I spoke a little too soon. My shoulder still hurts if I move my arm a certain way but it's much better then yesterday and a shower has helped too.

----------


## Suzi

Better is good...

----------


## Angie

Agree better is good x

----------


## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

Bad habits can be very hard to break. I'm not having a good day today. It was hard to eat my breakfast as I was battling the urge to cry. I didn't go with my mum for her eyes testing, despite needing my glasses straightening, as I couldn't face it. My head is a tangle of irrational thoughts and I'm tired. I was going to do my usual of keeping it to myself but that doesn't really help...

----------


## Angie

Oh hunni am glad that you didn't bottle it up, can you spend a bit of time doing something for you today ?

----------


## Paula

No, that doesnt help so Im glad youve told us. What do you need to do today? Not what you think you have to do, ie studying - whats going to ease the burden today?

----------


## Jaquaia

I do need to study. I'm just starting last weeks work and I have an assignment due next week. Constantly working removes that panic that I'm too far behind as I'm slowly chipping away at what needs doing itms? Plus it makes me have to focus.

----------

OldMike (07-06-18)

----------


## Angie

I get that hunni can you break it up a bit so study do something nice for you study etc ?

----------


## magie06

Can you study outside?

----------


## Jaquaia

Outside isn't an option, there's nowhere to sit and even if their was, it's quite windy so my notes would blow everywhere. 

I can try but I have so little energy. I'm spending more time just lying here staring blankly at the page then actually working...

----------


## Suzi

Hey hunni, hope the day has been kinder as the day has got on love...  :Panda:  :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

Not particularly. I coulld easily curl into a ball and just cry. I wish I could disappear but it's not really an option. I'm just feeling really, really alone and if I'm honest, bitter. And I feel guilty for feeling bitter.

----------


## Paula

It seems to me today that trying to study is being counter productive .....

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm getting there, I'm actually starting last weeks work so small sense of achievement. But the thoughts are trying to shout that sense of achievement down.

----------


## OldMike

You're doing well Jaq the backlog of uni work is getting less and less so try and ignore those negative thoughts, or shout back "I'm winning" which you are  :(bear):

----------

Angie (07-06-18),magie06 (07-06-18),Paula (07-06-18)

----------


## Suzi

Well done lovely! You're getting there! Bit by bit!

----------


## Jaquaia

I've managed to keep going all day and I've finally cracked. It's hard to not just completely break down and I'm fighting it but I'm tired. I'm tired of being alone. I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want my life anymore.

----------


## Suzi

I know it's tough, but you know it's not going to be like this forever...

----------

magie06 (08-06-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Do I though? Right now I'm not sure of anything at all

----------


## Paula

Has something happened, lovely?

----------


## Suzi

Talk Jaq... what's happened?

----------


## magie06

What's up?

----------


## Jaquaia

Everything just gets really twisted and tangled in my head when I have a bad day.

----------


## magie06

I understand that. It's difficult. Can you take onboard that it's not true. Your depression wants to win, that's why it tries to make you think like this. You can win though. You have proved on so many different occasions that you are stronger. 
I know it's not easy, but you can do it.

----------

OldMike (08-06-18),Suzi (08-06-18)

----------


## Suzi

Magie is completely right. You know that it's your depression and not how things really are?

----------


## Paula

What are your plans for today?

----------


## OldMike

I agree with Magie you are have your up and downs but you're getting there and you're winning.

----------


## Angie

:Panda:  hunni xx

----------


## magie06

I hope you are winning the fight today.  :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

I've spent the past few hours with J so that has really helped. Just having something to eat then I'm going to carry on studying.

----------


## Paula

Hope youre smiling  :):

----------


## Suzi

How's the studying going? Enjoying it at all?

----------


## Jaquaia

> Hope you’re smiling


I find it very hard not to smile when I've spent time with J. He is always telling me I'm awesome, how beautiful he finds me, how sexy he thinks I am  :(blush):  and although I think he's deluded, he makes me feel all of that. I feel very, very lucky  :(inlove): 




> How's the studying going? Enjoying it at all?


More plodding at the moment. But I'm feeling better about it the more I get done.

----------


## magie06

That's because you are awesome.  :Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (08-06-18)

----------


## Suzi

Magie's right... You are awesome.

----------

Jaquaia (08-06-18)

----------


## Angie

Am another thats going to repeat the others am afraid but you are awesome x

----------

Jaquaia (08-06-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't feel awesome but I will believe that you think I am.

----------

Angie (08-06-18),Suzi (08-06-18)

----------


## Paula

Please look back over the last week or two and see exactly how much youve caught up on your studying. And then tell yourself youre awesome!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm tempted to ask "and what if I don't?" But I think the answer may scare me!  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

It would scare you, don't ask...  :O:  
Glad you've made progress and are now going to believe that we believe that you're awesome!

----------


## Paula

:(giggle):

----------


## OldMike

Not jumping on the bandwagon but all the work you've done studying screams AWESOME to me, it is not just the uni work you've done but the very person you are that makes you awesome.

----------

Jaquaia (08-06-18)

----------


## magie06

How are things?

----------


## Jaquaia

Things are ok. I'm doing a little uni work and talking to J

----------


## magie06

I'm glad that you've got some work done. And well done J for chatting to you.

----------


## Suzi

Well done lovely!

----------


## Angie

Morning hunni

----------


## Jaquaia

Morning. Been awake nearly 3 and a half hours, suppose I should go eat...

----------


## Angie

Please also drink hunni

----------


## Suzi

How are you today lovely? Have you eaten and had something to drink?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've eaten and sipping water but it's an effort.

----------


## Jaquaia

I've only bloody caught up!!! And read an extra chapter from an old geography textbook which was relevant to my essay question! And still have 5 days before my essay is due!!!

----------

magie06 (09-06-18),OldMike (09-06-18)

----------


## OldMike

Woo hoo awesome  :(party):

----------

Jaquaia (10-06-18)

----------


## Paula

I second Mike  :(party):

----------

Jaquaia (10-06-18)

----------


## Suzi

I'm so proud of you! Well done lovely!

----------

Jaquaia (10-06-18)

----------


## magie06

Excellent. Well done!  :(party):

----------

Jaquaia (10-06-18)

----------


## Angie

Yay brilliant hunni x

----------

Jaquaia (10-06-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not a happy bunny. My dad gave me a box of my books from out the shed and my copy of 'Jane Eyre' is damp and smells. And he's said that a much bigger box looked really damp. But of course, I'm not allowed to complain as it was my beloved sister who took them out of the loft and put them out there! I have a bag of paperwork slung all over too, which includes football programmes I'd kept  :@:

----------


## magie06

That would make me so angry. I understand your frustration. It happened to me years ago, when my dad decided that the leaky damp shed was a perfect place to store my porcelain doll collection. I found them by accident about a wet week later. I was so mad!! :@:

----------


## Jaquaia

These have been out there a couple of years now because there's been nowhere else to put them.

----------


## Suzi

Oh no that's awful! Do you have space to dry them in your room? Can you put up some shelves to make yourself a library corner?

----------


## Jaquaia

Corner??? I need more then a corner!!!  :(giggle):

----------


## OldMike

A damp shed is certainly not the place to store books.

I know a library corner isn't enough, perhaps if you had four corners you'd end up with a library square  :(giggle):

----------

Suzi (10-06-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I have around a thousand books at a guess! There are 10 boxes in the shed and about 100 squeezed onto 2 shelves in my room  :O:

----------


## Suzi

I've recently purchased a new cabinet for books lol......

----------


## Jaquaia

I need to sort out but need to do my essay first. Going in town with the parents tomorrow as need to get my glasses straightened! They've been married 35 years tomorrow, (god knows how!) so we all went out for a meal. Food was lovely, I ate too much but the dessert was worth it! Scarlett kept me entertained trying to steal food off my mum and sister. But all it's succeeded in doing is making me feel very alone and inadequate.

----------


## Suzi

You, my lovely, are very far from inadequate. I would be more than thrilled if my girls turn out half as lovely as you!
I can understand why it's made you feel lonely though -although I think Scarlett is one of the luckiest girls around to have you as an auntie.

----------

Angie (11-06-18),Jaquaia (11-06-18),OldMike (11-06-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

That's such a lovely thing to say! Thank you!

----------


## Suzi

It's honest. I would love to have someone as kind, caring, considerate, intelligent, witty, amazing as you as a daughter...

----------

Angie (11-06-18),Jaquaia (11-06-18),OldMike (11-06-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I've never seen myself as any that, I'm just me. I'm really touched that you think about me like that  :):

----------


## Suzi

Well I do and I'm always right.... So there!

----------


## Jaquaia

I think I'm just going to give up on today. Nothing seems to be going right  :(:

----------


## magie06

Take some time out, and regroup. You have shown time and time again that you can do this. Have something to eat and drink and maybe a little walk and see how you feel.

----------

Angie (11-06-18),OldMike (11-06-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm just so tired. I'm tired of feeling like I don't matter. I'm tired of being treated as an afterthought.

----------


## Suzi

You are far from an afterthought here....

----------

Jaquaia (11-06-18)

----------


## OldMike

You're an integral part of the DWD team here Jaq  :Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (11-06-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm probably overreacting but yesterday, we ended up paying for the parents meals. Not a problem! Except it seems my brother and sister had already sorted that out among themselves but neither of them bothered letting me know until the meals had been paid for.  And then I was expected to pay an equal third of the bill despite being on my own and they had partners/the niece with them, plus they both earn a hell of a lot more then me. Neither of them considered that I may not have had the money with zero notice. But it's like that all the time. I only hear from them when they come and see the oldies or if I text them first and I'm tired of always being the one who has to make the effort.

----------


## Angie

Oh hunni have you spoken to them abut this x

----------


## Jaquaia

I've spoken to my mum and she's not hapy with them. And mentioned it to my dad, but nothing will get said as they just want an easy life. And if I said anything then I would just get accused of causing hassle.

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni, I totally understand where you are coming from....

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh and went into town to get my glasses straightened except got to go back as they've managed to crack the anti-glare coating which it making things blurry. Not helpful when I'm very aware of the floaters in my eye today so it already looks like a web floating across my vision. Oh and Ash has popped up with a small guilt trip about having found and lost the person who made him happy but it will be ok as long as he gets to  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  me again  :(:

----------


## Angie

Block him hunni

----------


## Flo

Someone get me a bucket!!.....what a sleaze bag!! In his dreams eh?!!

----------


## Suzi

Well isn't he poetic and romantic and stuff? That or a complete and utter twatfacedknob, I can't quite decide which...... not...

----------


## Jaquaia

J was angry about it, I told him straight away. It was just a really bad day yesterday and I didn't need it.

----------


## OldMike

> Well isn't he poetic and romantic and stuff? That or a complete and utter twatfacedknob, I can't quite decide which...... not...


I've just learned a new word  :(rofl):  *runs round the garden shouting "twatfacedknob"*

Jaq block Ash you don't need that sort of talk from anyone.

----------

Angie (12-06-18),Suzi (12-06-18)

----------


## magie06

I bet you were raging along with him. That's just despicable. And to use that language too. Oh My God! Dirty, dirty mouth. 
You are so well rid of that. (I won't insult the lovely gentlemen on here by calling him a man!) Oh God.  :@:

----------

Suzi (12-06-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I was more upset that that's all he thought I was worth considering he used to tell me he loved me and wanted to marry me...

----------


## Angie

I would be upset aswell hunni, you dont need that

----------


## Suzi

You are worth far more than him! I hope you've told him what you think and then blocked him?

----------

Angie (12-06-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I was a coward and just ignored his last message.

----------


## Angie

Not a coward hunni if it were me I would block him from being able to contact me again, your worth so much more than being spoken to like that

----------


## Jaquaia

He knows about J so I don't have a clue why he thought I might say yes!

----------


## Suzi

Not a coward at all! Block him love, you don't need "that" in your life...

----------

Angie (12-06-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Woohoo!!! Part 2 of my assignment done and posted on the forum. Part 3 won't take long as it's just a 10 word self-reflection. Then just a 1250 word essay to write by thursday lunch!

----------

magie06 (12-06-18),OldMike (12-06-18)

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like you're doing amazingly!!

----------


## Jaquaia

Finished part 3 but struggling with the main essay as my mood has divebombed...

----------


## Suzi

Do you know why?

----------


## Jaquaia

I have an idea. I'm giving up for tonight and going to go to bed. Since I've caught up I have that luxury

----------


## Paula

> He knows about J so I don't have a clue why he thought I might say yes!


Because hes a knobhead, because he thinks hes Gods gift, because he wanting you to pine for him and is  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ed that youre not.

Have you blocked him yet?

----------

Suzi (13-06-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I haven't, I've just ignored his message. I just feel so much guilt still

----------


## Paula

Youve done nothing to feel guilty about and, just turning to you for a romp in the hay after all this time? Thats disgusting, insulting and treating you like crap. Why do you think you owe this sort of man?

----------

Suzi (13-06-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Honestly? I don't know. I think because I hurt him and he made such a huge thing out of it despite his own behaviour that I shouldered all the blame. It's what I'm used to, I did it with my sister too.

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart Paula is right. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. Block him.

----------


## magie06

I agree. You have done absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. 
How did you sleep last night?

----------


## Jaquaia

I didn't sleep amazingly well. I was still awake at 1 and woke up around 7. 

I've just got back from my weightwise appointment and I've lost almost half a stone!  :(party):

----------

magie06 (13-06-18),OldMike (13-06-18)

----------


## Suzi

That's a huge loss! Well done love!!

Hope you're having an OK day hunni...

----------

Jaquaia (13-06-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm plodding. My mask is firmly in place today, I wasn't even aware of it until Alex has just said I seem a lot more relaxed then my last appointment with him. I don't feel more relaxed! I'm pleased by how much I've lost though  :):

----------


## Suzi

So you should be!
Sorry you're struggling today though lovely. Can you do something positive for you?

----------

Jaquaia (13-06-18)

----------


## magie06

That's just amazing. Well done to you. I'm so pleased for you. You've been working so hard on yourself, you deserve the praise.  :(party):

----------

Jaquaia (13-06-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

J has just popped round for hugs as he's struggling too at the moment. He calms me so much, my head always feels calm when I'm with him. 

I'm just going to carry on with my essay today. Once that's done I can have a couple of days to myself.

----------


## OldMike

Congrats on the weight loss and catching up on your uni work you should be really proud of yourself for what you've achieved and rightly so.

----------

Jaquaia (13-06-18)

----------


## Paula

:(party):  well done!

----------

Jaquaia (13-06-18)

----------


## Suzi

So glad that you've seen J. Sorry that he's struggling too...

----------


## Jaquaia

We manage it ok when we're both struggling. We tend to focus on getting the other one through and it seems to work for us. He's a lot like me in that he can think logically for everyone but himself so we seem to have taken on that role for each other.

----------


## Suzi

I love that you are able to help each other lovely x

----------

Jaquaia (13-06-18)

----------


## Angie

Well done on the weightloss hunni and also on the essay, am glad that J has been to visit and your helping each other

----------

Jaquaia (13-06-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I feel so sick at the moment. I'd forgotten about the nausea with these bloody meds. Only managed to eat the chips on my tea as they tasted bland.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  A friend swears by Belvita biscuits....

----------


## Jaquaia

We have ginger biscuits in so may go nick a couple. And maybe get round my dad for scrambled egg for tea if I feel like this tomorrow.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

I tell you what! Writing an essay when sitting up makes the nausea worse is bloody hard work!!!

----------


## Suzi

Oh no, can you lie and type? Do you not have any anti sickness meds?

----------


## Jaquaia

I can but it's slower and I have notes spread out everywhere which just makes sitting up easier as I can see them all. I'm going to go and get some fresh water before Angie starts throwing water bottles at me and see if something to eat will settle my stomach

----------


## Suzi

Lol about the water!

----------


## Paula

Hope it settles, hunni

----------


## Jaquaia

> Lol about the water!


When she rang me the other week she actually threatened to chase me round the forum with water bottles!  :(rofl): 




> Hope it settles, hunni


Ginger biscuits has helped a bit.

----------

Angie (13-06-18)

----------


## Angie

> I'm going to go and get some fresh water before Angie starts throwing water bottles at me and see if something to eat will settle my stomach


Lol Jaq there always at the ready  :P:  :Kiss: 

Suzi the other week I told Jaq that I would chase her round the forum with water bottles to make sure she was drinking enough, like I do you with the kippers  :Kiss:

----------

Jaquaia (13-06-18),Suzi (14-06-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Confession time...

I got in trouble off Alex today for not drinking. Think I had about half a litre yesterday, which is a lot by my standards!!! But he said I need to be more towards 2 litre...

----------


## Paula

Yes you do, Im glad hes told you! Why is it that you do t drink much? Do you forget or dont you like to?

----------


## Jaquaia

I honestly don't know! Both me and my brother were like it as children, it drove my mum crazy! I tend to have nothing between taking my meds in a morning and teatime.

----------


## Flo

Hi love.....are you feeling any better today? Well done on your weight loss. It's no easy thing! Ginger is good for the tum. Good that you've managed the essay. You and J seem to be a good match. You can sort each other out. Most of the time lots of hugs and having the person you love beside you..or just being there....is the simplest way to keep you sane!! :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm feeling a little better but then I've not taken my meds yet. And just to add to the fun, I'm starting an increase with my metformin today...

J is brilliant. He has dealt with me at my lowest and never once thought of walking away. I would be completely lost without him now  :(inlove):

----------


## Jaquaia

I may be a little grumpy today...

Just received my methotrexate delivery and there is no logic to it whatsoever!! They sent me 8 injections but only 5 cotton balls, the maths doesn't quite work out!!! They sent me a box of gloves yet I don't use gloves. Why not ask that when they rang me to arrange it and save funds? Oh and each injection comes with an alcohol wipe yet they sent me a box of 100 alcohol wipes!? I don't get it! I know it will literally be a couple of quid but with the number of patients on methotrexate injections, surely that would soon add up?

----------


## Suzi

It's beyond me! 

Have you got anything nice to look forward to?

----------


## Jaquaia

You mean other then finishing this bloody essay???  :(giggle):  I get to spend some time with J tomorrow  :):

----------


## magie06

I hope the essay is almost finished. Thinking of you.

----------


## Suzi

Have you finished it yet? *ducks*

----------


## Jaquaia

Submitted it an hour ago  :):

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo!!!! That's amazing! I'm so seriously proud of you!

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## magie06

Brainbox!!  :(nerd):

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## Jaquaia

Steady on magie! I need to get my marks back before we go that far!  :(giggle): 

Just to take the shine off though... I've just opened 2 council tax bills for a place I lived in 4 years ago which I thought was paid. Why does dickhead always seem to follow me round?  :(:

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## magie06

Oh no! Unfortunately a bad smell lingers long after the event.

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## OldMike

> Submitted it an hour ago


Wow that means you're totally up to date, go you  :(party):

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## Suzi

> Steady on magie! I need to get my marks back before we go that far! 
> 
> Just to take the shine off though... I've just opened 2 council tax bills for a place I lived in 4 years ago which I thought was paid. Why does dickhead always seem to follow me round?


Bugger!

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## OldMike

^^^ what Suzi says.

Jaq have you talked to someone at CAB they might have some ideas as how to deal with these bills at most you should only have to pay half and if you've already given dickhead some money to pay the bills you shouldn't have to pay anything at all.

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## Paula

What Mike said ....

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## Angie

Please at least get some advice hunni and brilliant with the essay

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## Jaquaia

I'm in my pjs and relaxing with a film. I haven't taken any time for me like this in a long time.

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## Suzi

Good for you!!!

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Angie (14-06-18)

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## magie06

Hi, how are things?

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## Jaquaia

I'm tired and feeling sick. Not even looking at my uni stuff today.

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## Paula

Good to hear  :(bear):

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## Flo

Give uni a rest for the weekend. You've been leading two peoples lives lately. Rest up...or try to!

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## OldMike

Leave uni work for a day or two you've earned a rest Jaq maybe do a bit of knitting or reading.

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## Jaquaia

I ended up falling asleep with J and have dozed for the last hour too, it's far more restful napping with him though. Got to go be sociable now though as my bro has just arrived

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## Suzi

Hope it hasn't been too bad being sociable..

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## Jaquaia

It's been ok. Not said much really, didn't want my tea but forced some of it down. I can escape soon at least.

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## Suzi

Hope you've managed to get to your sanctuary and are doing something positive for you lovely.

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## Jaquaia

I've ended up just laying on my bed listening to the radio. I meant to watch a film but can't be bothered

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## Paula

Listening to the radio sounds just whats needed

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## Suzi

I love listening to the radio!
How are you this morning?

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## Jaquaia

I'm ok mostly. Taken me a while to find the energy to move but been laid here texting J so not all bad  :):  feeling slightly nauseous and that's before I take my meds  :(:

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## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

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## Jaquaia

Day 6 of the increased dose... I may just hide in my room with a bucket  :=(:  really hope it settles soon.

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## Paula

How long did it take when you first started taking them?

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## Jaquaia

About 2 weeks I think. It's also not helped by the fact I don't think the doctor has given me modified-release metformin. Gastro problems have been worse the past few days.

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## Suzi

Can you call your Dr on Monday? See if you can get them altered?

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## Jaquaia

I might give it a couple of weeks to give my body chance to adjust to the new dose as it could even by IBS.

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## Paula

I think if it took a couple of weeks to settle before, its wise to wait this time

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## Jaquaia

At least I should lose a bit more! My appetite is awful at the moment!

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## Angie

Hope things settle soon hunni  :(bear):

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## Suzi

Do try and eat little and often maybe?

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## Jaquaia

I've picked today and found it easier then full meals. I think a toddler could manage more then me at the moment!

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## Paula

Hows it going?

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## Angie

Morning hunni

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## Jaquaia

Ok I suppose. A bit lethargic today, only just had breakfast

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## Suzi

What's on your agenda for today?

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## Jaquaia

I went to visit my niece with my parents. Just heading home now. Think I might do some knitting for a bit.

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## Suzi

How's the scarf going?

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## Jaquaia

It's doubled in size so not too bad. I might leave it for tonight and watch a film once I've eaten.

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## Suzi

Just do whatever is going to be most beneficial to you!

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## Jaquaia

I've ended up settling down and watching Never Been Kissed. Having a bit of a wobble tonight so thought I'd watch one of my favourite films. Tomorrow I may indulge myself in a bit of Colin Firth in his Mr Darcy heyday.

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## Paula

Ooooo good plan! How are you feeling?

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## Suzi

Not seen Never been kissed - is it any good? 

Hope today you are being kind to yourself...

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## Jaquaia

It's a teen comedy/romance. Drew Barrymore goes back to high school as an undercover reporter. I like it, I like the happpy ending. 

I've spent the morning with J, he got here just gone half 9 and left about half an hour ago, so we've managed some quality time today. We both fell asleep too. When he wraps me in his arms I feel so safe and secure and loved. It's probably the only time I completely relax so I feel a lot more rested when I've napped with J then I do on my own itms? I may do this weeks reading and leave it at that.

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## Paula

Its awesome how youve managed to catch up with uni work  :):

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## Jaquaia

Only thing is I'm now obsessively checking my email to check if my grade is back!!!

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## magie06

Any email yet?

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## Angie

Aww glad you have some relaxation time today hunni

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## Jaquaia

No but they have 10 days to get our work marked and back to us. My tutor is usually pretty quick but he also teaches at Sheffield so will have assignments and exams to mark for there too.

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## Suzi

How did the reading go? Have you spent the rest of the time resting?

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## Jaquaia

I've only read a couple of pages and made a few notes. Anxiety is rocketing as my dads been a dick. I hate it when he's been drinking most of the day...

----------


## Suzi

Have you told him how it makes you feel?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tried before, gets me nowhere...

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## Suzi

I have some understanding as I used to dread Marc's dad. Depended on what he'd been drinking and how long for as to how he was..... I can't imagine what it's like not being able to escape it.

----------


## Jaquaia

Anxiety not being helped as J has been in an accident  :(:  he's ok but getting checked out at minor injuries.

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## Paula

Oh hunni! Poor J  :Panda:

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Jaquaia (18-06-18)

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## Angie

:Panda:  hunni, I hated my dads temper after he was drinking which was every day, quite often would slam out of the house for an hour no matter what time of day or night it was. So do understand

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Jaquaia (18-06-18)

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## Suzi

Is J OK? What happened?

----------


## Jaquaia

He said he's ok, just shaken and his chest is tight but he doesn't know if it's anxiety or the airbag or both so he's getting checked out. He had the children with him too so they're getting looked over too. He doesn't want to but Cruella insisted and his dad won't let him leave. He lost concentration for a second and went into the back of a car. He reckons the car will be written off, only had it a few weeks. He told her he's tired and he told her he hates driving her car as he can't get a comfortable driving position but she refused to take it herself to get the brakes checked and gave him grief about not getting it sorted. I'm worried that once they're at home she's going to hit the roof with him  :(:

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## Angie

Oh hunni the main thing is that he and the children are ok

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart you can't change what happens when he's at home no matter how much you want to. That is only down to him.

Glad he's not hurt though lovely x

----------


## Paula

Im so glad theyre ok. Hunni, all you can do is be there for him and support him. And you do that so well

----------


## Jaquaia

> Sweetheart you can't change what happens when he's at home no matter how much you want to. That is only down to him.
> 
> Glad he's not hurt though lovely x


I know. And he's slowly getting there. 




> Oh hunni the main thing is that he and the children are ok


That's what I've told him as he's already started beating himself up about it.

He's home now and been told to rest. Really hoping he does.

----------


## Suzi

As long as he and the children are in one piece, a car can be replaced....

----------


## Jaquaia

I think he was expecting a bigger reaction. Maybe the children being with him has encouraged her to act like a decent human being for once...

----------


## Suzi

Hmm... Wouldn't hold your breath....

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not, but for his sake I hope so. 

Feeling completely overwhelmed now and crying. I don't even know why, I know they're ok.

----------


## Suzi

Oh sweetheart it's only natural....  :Panda:  :(bear):  :Panda:

----------


## Paula

After shock, lovely. And relief

----------


## Jaquaia

Colin Firth but not as I intended... I saw Mamma Mia was on and it would have been rude not to...

Saves me having to focus too. Just feel numb now.

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing today lovely?

----------


## OldMike

I'm glad J and his kids are okay, no wonder you were upset after you'd found he'd been in an accident, fortunately no serious injuries  :Panda:

----------


## Paula

How are you today?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok I think. Been for my hair cutting this morning, first time since before christmas so had 3-4 inches off. Will wash and blow dry it later and it will feel so much better. Feeling a little agitated though...

----------


## Suzi

OO do we get pics? 

How's the rest of the day gone?

----------


## Jaquaia

When it's washed and looking presentable...

I'm headachey and agitated and my sinuses are playing up, struggling to concentrate too. So not a great day really.

----------


## magie06

Have you tried sucking on an ice cube. It is supposed to numb the roof of your mouth, and subsequently your sinuses. Please let me know if it works.

----------


## Paula

Have you taken any painkillers?

----------


## Suzi

> Have you tried sucking on an ice cube. It is supposed to numb the roof of your mouth, and subsequently your sinuses. Please let me know if it works.


Not heard that, but I'll try anything - bloody hayfever...

----------


## OldMike

> Have you tried sucking on an ice cube. It is supposed to numb the roof of your mouth, and subsequently your sinuses. Please let me know if it works.


Won't that give you brain freeze.

----------


## Jaquaia

> Have you tried sucking on an ice cube. It is supposed to numb the roof of your mouth, and subsequently your sinuses. Please let me know if it works.


I've never heard that before!




> Have you taken any painkillers?


I haven't. I try and avoid them if I can if it's only vaguely headachey and just drink a bit more.

----------


## Suzi

How are you feeling today?

----------


## Jaquaia

Better now I've seen J  :(inlove):  He popped to see me briefly last night, his stomach is purple from the seatbelt  :(:  but I've physically seen he's ok so I feel a lot better about it. And I get him for a couple of hours before work too so yay! I may be able to study better.

----------


## Angie

Glad that your less anxious now you have seen him hunni

----------


## Suzi

So glad you've seen that he's OK lovely... Enjoy your time with him later

----------


## Jaquaia

It was lovely just being able to cuddle up with him  :(inlove): 

I've got my grade back! 85!!! I'm really happy with that as the work is getting so much harder and my tutor seems pleased with it too. I have a few things to focus on for my next assignment but I'm so pleased! 

I've even enrolled in my next module, 'Investigating Psychology' and when I clicked through to start my loan application, discovered it's already been approved!!!

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selena (23-06-18)

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## magie06

That's wonderful. Well done you. You really are doing so well.

----------

Jaquaia (20-06-18)

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## Flo

Well done Jaq....clever old thing you!! :(clap):

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Jaquaia (20-06-18)

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## OldMike

That's brilliant Jaq  :(party):

----------

Jaquaia (20-06-18)

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## Jaquaia

I was just better prepared this time  :):

----------


## Paula

Thats fantastic news!

----------

Jaquaia (20-06-18)

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## Angie

Awww brilliant hunni well done

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Jaquaia (20-06-18)

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## Suzi

That's brilliant! I'm thrilled for you!

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Jaquaia (20-06-18)

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