# Help and Advice > Coping with Depression >  Seeing no way out **SH Trigger**

## Butterfly

I hope this is the correct forum to post this, if not then I apologise. 
I don't know what to do anymore. Since around the beginning of this year, maybe even earlier, I'm feeling absolutely awful. I don't see any point in living anymore. Whatever I do, it's only connected with worry. I worry about decisions to make, about my future and about what career path to take. Right now I'm working part-time and going to school as well, I'm a trainee. The job I am learning is something I never wanted to do... I want to do something completely different but it's only connected with worry, so my mind tells me it's better to stay unhappy.
I'm so jealous of people who are worrying less and are able to do what they want. I can't even enjoy my favourite artists anymore because I start to build up such a hate and envy towards them. I want to be like them and do what they do/did and I feel like no matter what I do, I'll never be happy because other people ARE better, DID better and HAVE it better than me, especially those I am close to or those I look up to.
That's nonsense, obviously. Everyone's got struggles and not everything's all smiles. But I envy these people so much, I'm longing for happiness even if it would be the tiniest things.
Roughly 1 year ago I'd be like 80% okay. There were some unhappy days that mostly cluld be saved with writing, watching videos or listening to music of my fave artists. Or meeting with friends but that can't happen right now for obvious reasons aka covid. 
But nowadays the things I used to LOVE are the things that bring me the most unhappiness. Listening to my favourite music? No, makes me sad. Watching videos of my faves? No, makes me envious and sad - I want to be like them and instead I'm just a pathetic person being. 
Writing doesn't work out either because I can't concentrate... same in school and work as well. It's difficult to follow or keep up with conversations, my thoughts are constantly circling around other things. 

I've been to therapists before and haven't made good experiences. I've also been to forums to ask for advice. No matter what I do, all the worries, anxiety, envy etc. always come back at me. I feel guilty no matter what I do. I could do the best things and still feel guilhy/unhappy because others did different and better in my opinion. 


I'm really run out of ideas what to do. I can't keep going anymore, this life is such a big fight. Sorry if this is offensive to anyone, I don't mean to. xx

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## Suzi

Hi and welcome to DWD. I'm going to add a trigger warning to your thread, not because you've done anything wrong, but you have mentioned that you don't want to live anymore and we like to give people a choice as to whether they can deal with that kind of thing which could trigger them. 

You mention school, can I ask how old you are? Where are you from? Have you spoken to those around you? What about your Dr?

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## Mira

Welcome to the forum. there are a lot of us that are struggling. And sadly we do not have the fast solutions here. But we will listen and talk to you here. And you will be greeted with understanding and compassion.

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Suzi (27-12-20)

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## Butterfly

Thank you xx
I'm 21 years old. The school I go to is for trainees so no "real" school. I'm from Germany. I've spoken to my parents before and they're showing a lot of help but obviously they're a bit helpless as well. My doctor said I should go and see a therapist, which I've done and plan to do again hopefully soon. 

Thank you for welcoming me to the forum and sorry I forgot to add SH trigger warning xx

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## Suzi

Please don't worry about the trigger warning, the team and I will always add them if we think it's needed. 
What are you training to do? 
How many times have you seen a therapist? From my experience it takes a proper course of sessions to work through and be helpful.

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## Paula

Hi hunni, and welcome. What are you training for and what is it you really want to do? Why is it associated with worry?

Has Covid had an impact on your mood? Are you able to connect with your friend regularly, even if you cant see them face to face? Has your doctor talked to you about other treatment? Medication?

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## Butterfly

I'm training to be a legal assistant (hope that's the correct English word) but I'd much rather go into the creative side. Acting, singing, dancing, writing, etc. It IS hard to get there, I know. It's associated with worry because I fear it's too financially unstable and that I'll end up with no money, no partner, no one by my side. 

Covid had a slight impact on my mood though I'm gladly able to connect with my friends via videochat or messaging them. My doctor has yet only talked about talking therapy. I thought that hypnosis might be an option as well but am not sure whether that'll work out.

Something else that constantly has me upset and thinking is the fear of being judges. Judged for everything. I suffer (though suffer is a big word, seeing that it has no impact on my life) from a condition called neurofibromatosis. It doesn't impact my decision to have kids in the future, and nothing speaks against it medically or something, but I still fear to get judged. Society is cruel and judges people for anything. I fear that people close to me and those who mean a lot to me will judge me for anything I do because of only seeing tze disease. As mentioned, it never had nor will have any impact on my life. I have some "freckles" on my skin but that's about it. It can be passed onto my kids but 1) doesn't have to happen 2) is so mild that they probably will never have an impact on their lives either. 
I feel bad for worrying so much about the future. I just want to live a happy and good life like others, without worrying about anything I do. I just want to do what I want and what makes me happy.

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## Paula

Has anyone judged you in the past? Ive found that most of society tries to be kind. Youll certainly find kindness here and absolutely no judgement.

Hunni, have you thought about doing some amateur dramatics?

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## Suzi

Neurofibromatosis doesn't sound easy to live with. What about anti-depresants? Have those been mentioned?

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## Arty

Hi Butterfly,
Well done for reaching out. Give therapy another go and do see your GP. What you have written about strikes a chord with me, crippling anxiety is just awful  :(:  Trying to live when you feel so wretched is incredibly hard. You can pull through this, being honest about your feelings is the first step. You won’t be judged here.

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## Mira

I always like to compliment people. There are many reasons why I do that. But all of them are sincere and they are always what I truly feel or think. So if you don't mind I would like to start with that  :): 

Your English is so so so good. And from your posts I can tell you are a intelligent woman. In my experience the people that are in thoughts a lot tend to be that way. I think its awesome how you are working towards a goal and have dreams and hopes. Reading those even give me a good feeling. 

I can relate to the fear of being judged oh so well. And lots of people here can. One thing I am trying to learn through therapy and paying attention to myself is where is it coming from? The fear of being judged? And is it a true representation or is it being filtered by me. So I only hear the bad things? I agree with you that people judge. But on one level or another we all do. And thats part of being human. But there is a difference in how and why we judge. 

Like gossip. One thing I read in a paper got me thinking and I loved that idea. People seem to love to gossip. And this person said that a big reason of why we do it is to see how others react to it. If I say oh he is lazy. It could mean that people agree and that can validate me since I do not do it like him. So I am doing it right.

I am losing my train of thoughts. Sorry about that. 

I did read that you are from Germany. So I would like to say that I think you should talk to your doctor about your mental health. There is a lot to gain from seeing someone about your fear of being judged. When I started therapy we discovered a lot together and now we are getting to a point where we can deal with some of my issues. I would love to see that for you as well. Because you have used the word fear a lot in your post. And that is holding you back. While you should be doing whatever you want to pursue with passion and not have fear weigh you down.

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Flo (29-12-20),Paula (28-12-20),Strugglingmum (28-12-20),Suzi (28-12-20)

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## Knowle

Hi Butterfly and welcome to the forum.

This is a very warm and supportive place and you will find plenty of support on here. It sounds like you are already doing well in reaching out and getting support - you should be very proud of this.

Such severe anxiety is very difficult to live with and I feel for you. Have you tried mindfulness - this has helped me hugely with my anxiety.

Take care and if you ever need to talk then this is a very safe place to do so.

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## Butterfly

I've sadly been judged for several things before, no matter how small. It's good to hear that this place offers kindness and a good place to speak about things xx
What's amateur dramatics may I ask? xx

Thank you so much for all the compliments as well. It's a cood feeling to hear compliments when getting them so rarely. I definitely have dreams and goals and am sad that my fears are holding me back because it's not been like this last year or so. I have no idea about where it comes from... I think due to bullying in the past I'm afraid of getting judged, especially by people I like or look up to. When I see my idols I'm like "I want to be like them" and think if I never get to be like them (beautiful like them or brave/strong, doing many brave things) I'll forever end up unhappy. And I fear to be hated by people. It's definitely a good idea to speak to my doctor again... surely this can't go on like tjis forever. Thank you all so much for your help and welcoming me so warmly into the forum. 
Appreciating all the help so much! Anxiety and overthinking really is hard to live with and I'm longing for a more carefree and happier life. Thanks to all of you xx

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## Paula

Its good to have people to look up to, that inspire us, but I believe we should always strive to be the best we can be, and not a copy of someone else  :): 

Amateur dramatics is theatre performed by amateur actors and singers. Amateur theatre groups may stage plays, revues, musicals, light opera, pantomime or variety shows, and do so for the social activity as well as the artistic side. Productions may take place in venues ranging from the open air, community centres or schools to independent or major professional theatres and can be simple light entertainment or demanding drama.

We have amateur dramatic societies in every town, village, city in the UK. Are there organisations like that near you?

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## Suzi

You will always get a warm welcome here. We all have our own understandings....

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## Flo

Welcome Butterfly! Hope to hear more from you. :(hi):

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## Butterfly

It's true but definitely hard. I see this seemingly good life and wish to do just what they do, follow my dreams and go for them without being stuck to being too worried about consequences. That must be beautiful. 

Amateur dramatics sound amazing! We do have several theatres in the town I live, in fact I believe that many of them do offer amateur dramatics - obviously not at the moment but before covid they did.

The thing is, I always am overthinking things no matter how unrealistic they am and no matter what others say. I wish to leave my name in the world, do a book and perform on stage; it's what kept me going, it was a drive for live... to have dreams and goals that are big but make me work hard. Nowadays everything just seems hopeless. I hate my "job", my life that seems so senseless and every day is just a fight. 
The only thing that keeps me going ar the moment are my parents and my pets. I can't leave them. But life is so hard. Every day is hard. I don't want to get up, or eat, or do anything because I see no sense. I worry the whole day and no matter how I turn things, I'll end up unhappy. 

Thank you all for your warm welcome. Your help is so appreciated xx

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## Suzi

I used to love being involved in Am Dram  :O:  
Why not make a start on writing a book?

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## Butterfly

It definitely sounds like so much fun! 
I have given it a start several months ago and am so stuck with it at the moment. It's like my brain can't function to concentrate. My worries go from one to the next, once I'm "over" one worry, the next one immediately starts. I feel like I'll never be satisfied with myself, I'll always be the one who gives in and has nothing to be proud of. Other people manage such amazing things and are so strong and I just don't manage anything. I'll never be able to enjoy the things I used to love again because of always seeing the bad things and feeling less worth, less strong, etc.

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## Mira

Something a lot of us do is look at other people and see the succes and how well they are doing. But a lot of the times its what they want to show to the rest. We dont see the struggles they have. Or the mental health issues they are struggling with. And there will be people that look to you and say wow she has got it made. Getting a good education and good job. She has hobbies she wants to persue.

People have told me that they think I have talent. But all I see is failure. 
So I think its best to look at ourselfs and just do. There is a person I follow online and he said once. If you wait around for motivation it will not happen by magic. But if you start the motivation will grow and be there. 
This is all easier said then done. But give it a go. If you want to write then go ahead and write. It does not have to be perfect the first go. Just write whats in your head. 

I think you are capable of a lot.

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## Suzi

Why do you think that you'll never manage anything?

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## Paula

When I was your age, I was in a job I hated. I then found a career I did enjoy but it wasnt until my 30s that I found what I truly loved - and it was only by taking it up as a hobby and then retraining while doing my previous work that I was able to finally set up on my own. Id wholeheartedly recommend carrying on with your current work while trying out studying or amateur dramatics, or something like that, to figure out if its truly right for you

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## Butterfly

@Mira: I mean it's true that no one knows whether others are truly happy behind the surface. So sorry to hear that you only see failure at yourself... everyone's got many talents and everyone's an unique person for sure. 
Thank you for your words xx

I think the reason I feel like not being able to manage anything is due to years of bullying and talking myself down. I have no hope for a bright future. I see WHAT I want to do but it's only connected with worry even if I know that I'll regret not pursuing my dreams one day. 
It's always so good to hear people getting where they want later in life, that makes me have some hope. But I still am so doubtful. I always keep thinking: What if I decide to do something and will regret that in the future, because it means missing out other things? xx

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## Suzi

Why not start with something little which you can see when you've done well - maybe a jigsaw or something so you can see when you've completed it and done it well because it's definitely done itms?

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## Knowle

Mira has made a good point about motivation follows action - however this is easier said than done especially when you are not feeling well.

Are you getting exercise at the moment?

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## Butterfly

I mean starting with something little is a good point. I like to draw so it's always a good thing to get a picture done or so. The thing is... I feel like I'm running out of time. Obviously I'm really young but I worry that at some point, I won't reach my goals any more because of having a certain age. I wish I hadn't had to think "I need to have done this or that by 25" or "I have to get a partner for life by 30" or "This and that person has done that so I'll have to do that as well, otherwise I'll end up unhappy for life"

I don't get to exercise much st the moment since Germany is in a harsh lockdown, though I usually go rollerskating every day. It definitely are small points but at least something to do xx

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## Suzi

Something with a picture though will always be subjective - with something like a puzzle it has a start a middle and an end. A definitive finish and success... itms?

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## Butterfly

It surely would be worth a try. It's just that I feel no matter how small the success will be, it doesn't bring happiness. I'll always keep thinking that others did better and I failed, that I'll never reach anything no matter how small the goal is and that I can never life a happy life.

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## Suzi

That's why you need to start small. 
What about doing the exercise where you have to try to find 3 positives a day? It's really hard, but it really helps. Have you spoken to your Dr or a therapist at all about how you are feeling?

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## Butterfly

That sounds like a good plan, I'll try it out. As for today, the postives I found is that I spend time with my parents, my cats aren't scared because fireworks are forbidden here, and that I'm healthy. 
I've spoken to my doctor before and have been to a therapist roughly a year ago. He told me that how I feel is just because "every teenager/young adult feels like that because it's in" and that I should be able to help myself since I got no major problems. Sounds cruel but happened. 
Thank you all for your help though, its good to speak freely xx

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## Paula

Thats appalling and no therapist should do their job if they think thats true.

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## Suzi

I completely agree, what a horrific attitude! Please don't let that put you off though, do try again....

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## Butterfly

It definitely wasn't nice of him. I will try again though it really is hard. On the other hand, it's not a pleasant feeling either to feel like a constant failure and like I'll never be good enough or as good as others. Sometimes I wish I had someone else's life - or at least would be carefree.

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## Suzi

I don't think there's one person on the face of the planet you feels truly carefree.

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## Butterfly

That's probably true and also something I try to tell myself. It's just hard when every day feels like such a big struggle with no outcome. I tried to follow the advice of writing down things I'm grateful for - and I am grateful for many things - but yet life seems so senseless. Why live a life that has no point at all other than unhappiness? It's just really hard to keep going at the moment. However I appreciate your help so much xx

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## Paula

It becomes a lot easier to see the positives the more you practice, I promise. You can start with the smallest things - I ate some good chocolate, the sun is shining etc

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## Suzi

Exactly. You can do it, but it takes practise. Add into that mindfulness and meditation and the right kind of medication/therapy and things will get better...

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## Butterfly

Thank you so much, I'll try my best to follow this advice xx
I hope I will feel halfway decent one day. Really struggled to fall asleep last night, things seemed even more hopeless all of the sudden. I felt like I never will feel any better and really wondered whether I should just give up since it doesn't make sense at all to keep going... I'm sorry.

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## Suzi

You don't have to apologise for not feeling great... Have you tried meditation or a bodyscan at night to help with sleeping and refocusing your thoughts?

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## Butterfly

Thank you xx I haven't tried things like that yet, it sounds like an option though! Do you get stuff like that from a doctor or from a local pharmacy? xx

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## Paula

Google mindfulness and youll find plenty of information and help in learning how to meditate - it wont cost you anything and really helps to focus and calm the mind

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## Suzi

This is a body scan that my husband finds really useful...

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## Butterfly

Thank you for these tips, I'll try them out for certain xx

It all seems pretty hopeless at the moment. I feel like I can't even look at other people anymore... I know this probably is not true but I want what they have. Their strength, their bravery and their life. My life will never be good by any means and even if everyone has hidden struggles, I feel like I can't go on with mine. It seems senseless and like no matter WHAT gets changed or what I do, I will be unhappy; knowing others out there surely did better. It kills me.

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## Suzi

That's not true though. You only see one side of things - like FB or instagram posts - what it doesn't show you are the things behind it.. Let me try to explain it a different way.... If I took a picture of me now, face on with a smile.. You would see a happy, smiling person sitting on their sofa . What you wouldn't see are things like my knee brace, crutches, the amount of painkillers and other meds I've taken today. You wouldn't see my coffee table piled high with "stuff" that needs to be sorted, or my husband who's having a crappy time or my son who is struggling with an essay, but is also struggling with going back/staying at home for uni or my daughter who has severe anxiety or my other child who is struggling with their gender identity... Or the piles or washing up or washing that need doing etc... 
People only present to you what they want you to see.

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Flo (04-01-21),Paula (04-01-21),Strugglingmum (03-01-21)

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## Butterfly

That's likely. I'm sorry.
Obviously anyone has struggles that no one can see on social media etc. I think it's the fact how unhappy I am with myself that makes me thinking others have a better, happier life. Nobody has a 100% happy life. It's funny because I actually know that but can't make my mind shut up about these issues. It's like my brain wants me to think about all the bad things because I don't deserve to feel good ever again.

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## Paula

Hunni, when was the last time you saw your doctor? Have you discussed medication?

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## Suzi

You definitely deserve to be happy hunni...

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## Butterfly

It's been a while since I saw my doctor. I haven't discussed medication yet though I'm considering hypnosis. Has anyone made experiences with it and can recommend it or not? xx

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## Paula

Hunni, Id see your doctor first just to talk over your options

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## Suzi

....And to get a diagnosis....

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Paula (04-01-21)

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## Butterfly

I know I have to... its just scary. I'll try to get into contact again as soon as possible xx

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## Suzi

Nothing to be scared of lovely. You won't be the first or the last time that they will have spoken to someone about them struggling with their mental health...

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## Butterfly

Definitely not. I think it's more the thought of getting judged or that my struggles/problems will be seen as too little or just something my mind makes up. Sadly have made bad experiences though I won't put bad experiences put me off seeing a therapist etc. 
Or maybe it's because of being afraid that it'll stay like this forever even with help from someone.

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## Suzi

But your struggles are real and valid and deserved to be treated as such. You deserve to get the help you need to get brighter.

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## Paula

> Or maybe it's because of being afraid that it'll stay like this forever even with help from someone.


a) it wont stay like this forever. I know it feels like this now but there is ALWAYS a way through
b) you obviously havent been able to find that way through on your own and you wont know what will help you until you ask for that help  :Panda:

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## Mira

I know how that feels. My problems are not that huge. My mind is playing tricks. I have that as well. And then the rare day where I am fine I think to myself: see, you are ok so stop being dramatic.

So thats why I want to say that from your posts you seem like someone that can have a rich full life. But is being held back by mental health issues. Is that a small thing? No not at all. And if another doctor tells you something like that tell that person to .........  :): 

I thought for years that I was ok and just had some problems. And they got worse. So I would like to say that the best time to seek help and get better is now.

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Suzi (05-01-21)

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## Butterfly

Thank you all so much xx
A family friend (who's a doctor) now told me about a therapist I should contact, he's only available on Thursdays by phone to make a possible appointment for a talk, so I'll try to call him then.

I can totally relate to the mind playing tricks. Like I tell myself that no one's perfect and yet I so desperately want the life of someone else. They're famous? Cool, I want that too. They've got kids? Amazing, I want that too. They had them all natural? Cool, I want that too because so did they. They can sing?Fantastic, I want that as well. They've got a loving partner? Good, I want that too someday.
Funnily enough it's not about money for me but about... archivements I guess? Please don't think I'm weird and am trying to steal someone's life. I don't. I just want exactly what day have and exactly do what they do, otherwise I'll be very unhappy. And if it means to go through their struggles too then my mind says "So what? You're worthless anyway. You'll never be good enough."

I've got too much time on my hands as it seems. Going back to work will be even worse next week. 

Thank you all SO MUCH though xx

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## Suzi

Have you thought about actually going to see your Dr and getting help and talking through options such as medication etc

Have you ever thought about the things that you have achieved?

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## Butterfly

I did that before and he said I should speak to a therapist about it, as he isn't specified in that area

I did try to think about what I archived but there isn't really anything special or good about it I feel

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## Suzi

Maybe it's because you don't see them as achievements? Do you play an instrument? Passed any exams in any subject? Can you touch type? How many languages do you speak? Do you enjoy doing exercise? etc

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## Paula

Perhaps you need to see another doctor at your practice - its worth asking if theres one that specialises in mental health

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## Butterfly

Maybe. I mean I graduated from high school so that CAN be seen as an archivement... or I'm a good swimmer. There's not anything I really am proud of... I compare myself to others far too much. Which is bad and I shouldn't do it but I can't stop it. It's like I'm addicted to thesw thoughts even though I know they upset myself and that they're not good. It really is such a fight.

The therapist I'm going to contact on Thursday is specified on mental health issues though I'll try and look for more options tomorrow. I hope I can sleep well. Last night I fell asleep at like 3am or so, slept until 12pm but barely got a good sleep because I constantly woke up with intrusive thoughts.

I feel so bad for struggling and being unable to stop thinking and hating myself so much. It's probably ridiculous to wish to be someone else but my head can't stop. As said, it's like an addiction to punish myself. 

Sorry for being such a burden, this help is so appreciated xx

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## Mira

You are in no way a burden. If anything you are a great addition to the forum. What I do see is on the one hand you are mentioning that you dont have real issues. But then tell us about your struggles that make me think you deserve help.

And things you feel proud of are hard to see for yourself. You are from Germany. No one in my family can write English the way you can. Not once have I read one of your posts and thought she is not English. 

You have a sense of humor. David Hasselhof comes to mind. You are kind in thanking people who reply on your thread and you think things through. All things that are you. You as a person and not you copying other people. 

I am in no way a specialist. But I do think you can use some extra help in the form of therapy to boost your self image and help you in so many other ways. 

The positive things I wrote about you are so transparant after 33 posts you made here. So you are good people  :):  thats easy to see. And it makes me proud you are here on dwd.

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Jaquaia (06-01-21),Paula (06-01-21),Suzi (06-01-21)

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## Suzi

I can't agree more with Mira. He's spot on. You have lots of things which I would consider something to be proud of. 
Are you going to contact the therapist? A doctor?

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## Butterfly

Your words are so appreciated xx It means a lot to get those compliments. With saying "I don't have real issues" I mean that others have it far worse than me and I sometimes feel like I shouldn't complain about things... though on the other hand, everyone's allowed to struggle and feel bad. 
Thank you for those words... I think confidence is a huge issue for me as well. Whilst I don't see myself as ugly or something, I probably am not seeing my worth when it comes to talent, archivements etc.
It's funny (or not actually) because I have no idea what my idols archived actually (apart from their career ofc) so obviously I can't exactly compare myself to them. Yet I find myself frantically (?) trying to be a copy-cat as if to satisfy my non-existent confidence and happiness with myself. Thinking I'm a copy of them seems like the only option to make me happy and that's pretty bad. I'd like to enjoy them freely and not think about having to do all they did to be happy.

I'm definitely going to contact the therapist. I also found plant-based medication in our local pharmacy, called Zaffranax, which helps to get a good sleep and a better mood. I'll try that out additional to seeking for a therapist. 

Thank you so much as always xx  :(inlove):

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## Suzi

Can I ask why you think you don't match up to anyone you compare yourself to? Where has this need come from?

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## Jaquaia

The thing is, you may think that others have it worse so you shouldn't complain, but I can guarantee that there will be people out there who have everything and are still feeling depressed. Suffering is subjective, if it matters to you and bothers you then it's an issue. Just because others may have it worse doesn't mean that your suffering doesn't count.

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Suzi (06-01-21)

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## Mira

One thing I have learned is that I myself am the worst at anwsering if my issues are worse or less then someone elses.

We are all on our own path and its ok if we need help. And with a therapist fill in all the questions we have. 
Can I ask you if you are being someone else here on this forum or is it butterfly we are hearing?

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Suzi (06-01-21)

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## Butterfly

I think the reason I think I'm not as good as others is because of years of bullying. I thought that no one likes me the way I am and that all I do is wrong so I found escape in having idols. Seeing them made me think how I want to be just like them and that probably messed up with me.

I definitely am being myself though. I'm not being someone else when trying to get advice and speak to people. It's more when it comes to apprearance and actions that I want to copy idols. Example: cutting my hair to shoulder-length, or harming myself because of not being as good as them. 

I definitely agree that everyone - no matter how wealthy or not - deserves help. It's just hard to realise that for myself too probably xx

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## Suzi

I can't understand why anyone would bully you - you're lovely!

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## Mira

I have had that experience too. Years of being bullied. It can mess up how you see others and yourself. I still struggle with it at times.

And in copying your idols. Do you pick the things from them that you like yourself or do you pick the things that you think others will want to see?

Sorry if I am asking to many questions. If so let me know and I will tone it down.

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## Butterfly

So sorry to hear that you've mad experiences with bullying too. It's horrible and the impact is huge. 
Don't worry about asking questions, I'm totally fine with that. To answer it, I copy or try to copy the things I appreciate or like about them, maybe in an attempt to be exactly like them.

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## Mira

I was bullied a lot because I was from another country and that was an easy thing to do i guess. But it does not matter why people are being bullied. Its bad enough that it happens. 

Its a shame that your self image is causing you this much trouble. There is nothing wrong with trying to copy certain things from celebs. I remember when Friends was being aired everybody wanted the Rachel haircut  :): 

But if its a band aid on a wound caused by what happened to you and a low self esteem. Then it is a shame. And it will not help in the end. Its better to tend the wound underneath the patch and make sure you find your own joy. I know its there.

----------

Flo (07-01-21),Jaquaia (06-01-21),Suzi (07-01-21)

----------


## Butterfly

That's really sad! I'm really sorry you had to fo through that. It's terrible that bullying still happens at schools or workplaces, it's just such a terrible thing to experience. 
It definitely isn't bad to copy certain things like hairstyles, I think many of us have been there  :(nod):  but I think when it comes to the point where I literally want to copy every aspect is worrying me.
,Finding own joy and acceptance even if I'm not 100% doing exactly what they do - and still am able to enjoy them, what I can't do at the moment - then that'll be a step in thw right direction xx

----------


## Suzi

I think what Mira is saying is completely spot on. I agree with you that copying things like hairstyles is fine, but when it's trying to copy everything that's when it's a definite problem. 
What kind of hobbies do you./did you have?

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## Butterfly

It really is and whilst I've realised that myself too, it's like being addicted. 
I used to love writing and music (not anymore because it makes me sad), and I love rollerskating and swimming  :(nod):

----------


## Suzi

What kind of thing did you write?

----------


## Paula

Why did music make you sad?

----------


## Butterfly

I used to write fanfiction but also a novel that was non-fiction (it was based around ballroom dancing).
I think music makes me sad because it reminds me of happier times and the times where I could still enjoy listening to them.

----------


## Suzi

What kind of fanfiction? 
Could you try different types of music which can make new memories?

----------


## Butterfly

I used to write fanfics about my fave bands.
I mean I surely could try it... but probably it would end in the same circle as it now has with trying to be a copy-cat. It's a bit like getting over a break-up I feel: still in love with that thing that used to make you happy and you want it back again, but somehow you know it isn't good for you because it makes you do unhealthy things (frantically researching things to be like them) and brings unhappiness. It's a circle without an end.

----------


## Mira

I think its awesome you write. And I think its awesome you do a lot of things. I think people with low self esteem are easy to dismiss things. And dont give themselfs enough credit for things.

Thats one thing that came up in my therapy. Things we take for granted and dismiss as everyone should do that. Or we did all this but not that other thing so the day is worthless. 

Could you try doing this for a day. Say to yourself hey butterfly you got out of bed. Well done. You brushed your teeth. Good for you smetterling. Dressed. Good! 

It sounds silly but it can help on a number of levels. Being a bit kinder to yourself. Realising all the things you May take for granted. And maybe get some energy to do something you love.

----------


## Butterfly

Thank you. I mean I try to keep myself busy though it's really hard to focus when the mind is all over the place. I will try to credit myself for the small things like getting up or dressed etc. or a dentist appointment like tomorrow morning. 
Finding joy in the things I used to love will probably be a long way to go... maybe one day that will happen too xx

----------


## Flo

For the time being, try and find the joy in the little things you achieve with each day you get through. Hope you get on ok at the dentist.

----------


## Suzi

Hope you get on ok at the dentist lovely... 

How's the being kind to you going today?

----------


## Paula

Are you having a go at the Fab 5s thread today?

----------


## Butterfly

I will try to hold onto little things for now, making small process. The dentist was okay gladly! I'm blessed with nice teeth haha  :(blush): 
Being kind to myself is going okay too. Made myself a small breakfast and my mum and I might will make pizza this evening and watch a tv show.
I'll have a look at the Fab 5s thread, thank you!  :(nod):

----------


## Suzi

Well done lovely! How's your mood? 
Making Pizza with your Mum sounds fun!

----------


## Butterfly

Mood was okay during the day but in the evenings is usually worse. Find myself constantly thinking and looking at social media... the usual stuff and struggles.
Pizza is indeed lovely though  :(inlove):

----------


## Suzi

Can you try to limit the time you are spending on social media?

----------


## Butterfly

It's probably for the best to come off it for a while. I really wonder what's wrong with me. Years ago I wouldn't have cared a single bit to copy others and would've still liked them even if I can't be a full 100% copy in terms of behaviour, features etc. Now my mind is all over the place. 
Will try and stop going on social media for a while.

----------


## Suzi

Did you contact that therapist you were suggested to?

----------


## Butterfly

He's closed, opening again on Monday. I found someone else as well that allows people to contact by email too so I'll try that one as well xx

----------


## Suzi

Do see if you can chat to both of them to see who you get on better with.

----------


## Paula

Hunni, youre resisting seeing your doctor and Im wondering why.....

----------


## Butterfly

Wrote to him now xx
As for my doctor, I did speak to him a whila ago but he said since he's not a specialist, he can only recommend me some therapists nearby and recommend some plant-based meds to make sleeping easier and make me relaxed. That's the meds I'm taking now (Zaffranax). Sadly he can't help much more sadly. Hoping to have made a step in the right direction now xx

----------


## Suzi

So who can provide things like anti depressants (if appropriate)?

----------


## Butterfly

I must admit I didn't ask him for antidepressants because of not wanting to take meds immediately. It's not always the case that your normal doctor provides these things, it often is provided by specialist. The doctor I am at is a doctor who cares for you if you got a cold or are physically ill, not physically. Hence why he recommended different therapists

----------


## Suzi

OK, here your Dr is a general practitioner who you can see first and who then refers you to therapy or secondary services...

----------


## Butterfly

Ah I see! Here (at least as far as I'm informed by experiences) the doctor CAN listen to your struggles but can't help at all except for letting you know which therapists to visit. 
It's a bit complicated. I think the only thing he could do would be to sign me off school/work but I don't want to take that step at all... sorry for bothering so much xx

----------


## Paula

Are there specialists other than therapists he could refer you to?

----------


## Suzi

Why don't you want to be signed off school?

----------


## Butterfly

I mean I COULD ask him if he knows more specialists though he probably would say the same he'd said before xx

I don't necessarily want to be signed off school or work since it always means missing things and I'm scared my boss might will find out about the struggles or will fire me due to being off work. The good thing is that we'll have online school this month... sadly as for work, my boss doesn't offer us to work from home even if things are pretty scary right now with the virus.

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart what are you doing at school?

----------


## Butterfly

I'm training to be a legal assistant (working in an office, which I absolutely HATE) and I'm in my 2nd year of being a trainee xx Having school 2 days a week and am working on the other 3 days

----------


## Suzi

Ah yes, sorry I do remember you saying. Are you working in a legal office?

----------


## Butterfly

Exactly xx I mean... it's nothing BAD, but I never wanted to work in a office. Of course it's not always possible to freely go for what you want but it's definitely not helping things either

----------


## Suzi

So, you're in a legal office atm and you're training to be a legal assistant, but you hate it? Why are you doing it? What about looking around for something different that you might enjoy?

----------


## Butterfly

Well training to be a legal assistant automatically means yku have to work in a lega office too as it's part of the education. After high school I didn't fully knew what to do yet so was forced to do some sort of training and after many many applications to all sorts of areas this is where I ended up. I think I'm not looking for something else because I fear to start over again... it's difficult to say what I might would enjoy. I'd love to go into theatre etc. which is really hard. I'm just not an office person in general. Could look out for other options but it's always scary to start something new xx

----------


## Suzi

It is always scary, but if you hate what you are doing then surely it's at least worth looking around to see what there is?

----------


## Mira

Yes its always scary. But there is no time like the present. 

I know that in the technical field they are screaming for people. There are other fields that are looking for people as well. No pressure. Just browse around a bit. Talk to other people and see what they do or like. You are still young. And its not like 50 years ago. Here they say a lifetime of learning.

----------

Suzi (10-01-21)

----------


## Paula

My daughter went into the beauty industry when she left college and thought shed love it. She didnt and it ended up making her ill with stress, to the point when she had to leave without another job to go to. She fell into her current job just to pay the bills. Its completely different (sales) and she loves it, shes really happy there and cant imagine doing anything else. She also happened to meet her partner there  :): . Sometimes, we have to take a bit of a leap to find what were supposed to be doing

----------

Strugglingmum (10-01-21),Suzi (10-01-21)

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## Suzi

I actually trained and fully qualified as a primary school teacher, but I only ever worked with secondary age students with various special needs. Then for various reasons I ended up leaving that job and I ended up starting a forum for those for depression  :O:

----------


## Butterfly

That gives me hope, thank you xx I used to say "I'll fight through the last year and then search for something else." which doesn't make much sense. It's just a difficult decision to find something that is enjoyable, job-wise I mean. I will try and keep my eyes open though! Thank you xx

On a more positive note, I contacted both therapists now (via email) and hopefully will receive a response very soon.  :(handshake): 

Had a good day yesterday actually! Today's a bit harder, too many bad and intrusive thoughts regarding the usual problems, anxiety and stuff. Am trying to not go on social media or Internet too much, apart from this forum (which truly is a lifesaver) or messaging friends xx

Thanks to you all for the encouragement xx

----------


## Suzi

Well done for contacting those therapists lovely, that's a huge positive. 
Don't beat yourself up for having a difficult day, that happens for everyone. 

You've got this love.

----------


## Knowle

Just to add to Suzi's point I too trained as a teacher - Secondary Maths and I hated it and was completely unsuited to it.

I now work in an entirely different sector from education and enjoy it. Many of us struggle to find our niche in the world.

----------


## Butterfly

Those are really encouraging stories and so appreciated xx It's definitely not easy to find a work That's suitable and enjoyable. 

On a positive note again, I've now got an appointment with a therapist on 28. January so that should keep me going for now. Things can hopefully get better as time goes by xx

----------


## Paula

Brilliant, well done, love

----------


## Suzi

That's great news! Well done lovely!

----------


## Butterfly

Thank you xx I was a bit nervous because he called me back but he was lovely... want to write some stuff down because it makes me calmer to have things written down.
Thanks for the encouragement so far xx

----------


## Suzi

Definitely write things out or print out your posts from here too? Bullet point lists are also brilliant. You can then email them to the therapist before you go if you want/need to...

----------


## Strugglingmum

So pleased you have an appointment.  That's a huge positive

----------


## Butterfly

Thank you all xx
I earlier wrote some things down, will definitely be taking along the list xx
Day was okay today. It always gets bad in the evenings but I try and keep telling myself that this was a step in the right direction and that talking will help!

----------


## Suzi

That's brilliant Oh hunni, hope tonight isn't too bad...

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## Mira

I know what you mean. For me the evenings and nights are also worse. But you can tell your self you did well because you did. From the way you post you come across as a person that is trying and wants to be positive. You are doing awesome.

----------


## Butterfly

Thank you xx
Agree that evenings/nights can be horrible when struggling with thoughts. Sometimes also mornings when I wake up from a nice dream or a decent sleep and then have the thoughts hitting me. Slept okay though. Struggling a bit right now but hopefully it'll get better during the day.
Appreciate your words as usual  :(blush):  and hope you all are doing okay too!

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## Strugglingmum

You are early on the go. Glad you slept ok. Hope today picks up for you.

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## Suzi

Morning lovely, hope today is a good one. Did you say when you were going to see your therapist?

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## Butterfly

I'm going to see him on the 28th of January so in roughly two weeks  :):

----------


## Paula

Thats great. Would it help to keep a mood diary between now and then? It might give the therapist a better insight into whats going on

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## Butterfly

That's actually a great idea! Haven't thought about that yet... thank you!  :(inlove):  I think writing it all down helps to let the therapist know exact things rather than speaking about it without any notes xx

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Paula (12-01-21)

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## Suzi

Just a smiley face or a bullet point list would help...

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## Butterfly

What do you mean by "a smiley face" if I may ask? xx 
Started with the bullet point list now too

----------


## Suzi

Just like a face with a smile, or a sad face or similar?

----------


## Paula

Like, Ive had a crappy day but cant put it into words - so a sad face itms

----------


## Butterfly

Ah I think I understood now, sorry sometimes I don't understand English fully yet xx Thank you all for explaining!

----------


## Paula

Your understanding of English is incredible - Im really impressed

----------


## Mira

Well I think your English is on par with english people. What writting is conserned. I can only give you huge compliments for that. And a  :(blush):

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## Suzi

Your English is amazing!

----------


## Butterfly

Thank you all so much, I feel honoured  :(blush):

----------


## Suzi

How are you today?

----------


## Butterfly

Not so well. Had a dream last night and it made me feel all warm and fizzy because in that dream I felt so happy, enjoyed my fave things and had fun with family and friends without any bad emotions. Woke up and realised its been a dream and a world that seems so far away now xx

----------


## Suzi

Sorry to hear that lovely. I had the opposite - a night of not being able to sleep and then horrible dreams..  :Panda:  Can you do something to be kind to you today?

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Butterfly

So sorry to hear you've had a rough night, Suzi. I hope you had a good sleep this night  :Panda: 
I watched some cartoons yesterday evening to distract myself but ended up crying before I went to bed  :(:

----------


## Suzi

Aww lovely, I'm sorry you had a rough night... Can you do something to help brighten your day today?

----------


## Butterfly

Going to have takeaway for lunch later so that's a small thing to brighten the day xx

----------


## Suzi

OO yum! What are you going to have?

----------


## Butterfly

Will get little spring rolls with some noodles  :):

----------


## Suzi

Sounds delicious!

----------


## Paula

Nommm

----------


## Butterfly

Thank you all, I definitely enjoyed the dinner  :):

----------


## Knowle

Glad you enjoyed your lovely takeaway  :):

----------


## Suzi

Has your day improved at all?

----------


## Butterfly

My day yesterday as well as today was okay overall. Not as dark as last week but things still are pretty shaky. Am glad that it's the weekend now  xx

----------


## Suzi

Hooray for the weekend! Have you joined in with the fab 5s thread?

----------


## Flo

Pleased you're feeling a bit perkier! :(clap):

----------


## Butterfly

Thank you all  :Panda: 
Just been doing the Fab5 as well!

----------


## Suzi

Well done lovely! 

What plans do you have for the weekend?

----------


## Butterfly

I think I will try and go for a walk or maybe rollerskating if I feel up to do so. It's weird because the past few days I felt okay - but always like being on the edge to fall back into darkness. It's a very weird feeling

----------


## Paula

It will be weird, and thatll take a bit of getting used to, but its wonderful youre starting to feel better  :):

----------


## Suzi

Rollerskating? That sounds AWESOME fun!

----------


## Butterfly

It is! I discovered it last summer and it's so much better than with a bicycle to me...  :(nod): 
Had a good sleep today too but am having a weird morning so far. Am feeling a bit on the edge, like having some happiness in me but feeling like it'll disappear and take a turn to worse again :/

----------


## Suzi

I know it's hard and it's scary but you can do this. Try to hold onto the positives lovely..

----------


## Butterfly

Didn't managed to go rollerskating in the end, but got out for a bit to get to the grocery store at least. Today feels a bit worse than the past few days so I'll just try and relax, clear my mind a bit and yeah :/

----------


## Suzi

What's it like where you are for lockdowns?

----------


## Paula

You may have already answered this but do you do any meditation?

----------


## Butterfly

At my area, you aren't allowed after 8pm until 6am and basically nothing's open except for grocery stores, pharmacies and the doctors obviously

I do meditation more or less, I've been listening to some calming sounds on YouTube. Especially liking the sound of the beach xx

Bit of a hard day today. Missing "old life" a lot and simply am longing to feel like 2 years or so ago.

----------


## Mira

The beach is a great place to go to unwind. I have the north sea about 20 min away from me and its always nice to go there. I do hope you will have a good day none the less. And that you will smile today.

----------


## Paula

I know what you mean about missing your old life. Its taken me a long period of adjustment to get to the point where I can accept my new life with ill health but also celebrate all the positives that have come as a result of these changes in my life. Ive been around for my kids in a way I never would have been before, Ive learnt that I dont have to do everything myself and can rely on other people in my life, Im calmer, less abrasive, less argumentative and more empathetic, and Ive re-found my faith. It doesnt all have to be painful, love

----------


## Suzi

I also totally understand what you mean about your old life. I miss mine, but like Paula I've tried to see the positives in the changes in my circumstances. I actually think I'm a much better person for living through all the experiences I have. I'm so much less judgemental, I'm more patient, I'm able to help my children much better esp with mental health issues. I'm able to help my sis by calling my Mum every day during the week, I too have re found my faith too. I'm in a place I didn't think I'd ever be in, but actually on the whole I'm happier...

----------

Flo (17-01-21)

----------


## Butterfly

The beach definitely is lovely! I wish I'd live close by! 
Definitely agree that it takes time to adjust to the "new" life and missing how life was before mental health hit hard. I'm glad you've got to find the positive aspects and outcomes in it too, right now I still struggle to find anything good in life. Obviously I've got my family and pets, a house and not a bad life in general... but my mental health ruins so many things. No pleasure in anything I used to love, no joy anymore. 
I'm glad that you (Paula & Suzi) have found good aspects as well and that you feel happier overall, that's a huge positive! xx 
Hopibg to have a relaxed Sunday evening now and not have too many bad emotions again  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Those sound like pretty good things to have in your life! Could you be looking for the "big" things when actually finding joy can be in the small things too - a nice cup of tea or a tasty meal, or a favourite movie........ There are so many things, but you have to work hard in the beginning to find them. It does get easier the more you practise.

----------


## Paula

Also, hunni, Ive been battling my MH for 31 years, it takes practice - I was just trying to say that it is possible to see your life differently and to give you hope that you may be able to get there in time

----------


## Butterfly

I mean I do find joy in small things, like a nice meal or the snow makes me happy. But a different sort of happy. It makes me think "That's lovely" but doesn't make me feel warm and fuzzy like things used to do. And that really saddens me deeply.

@Paula: so sorry you've been battling with your MH so long and I hope you're feeling at least mildly better now!  :Panda: 
It definitely is a long road to take and with the therapist meeting ahead I hope that one day I'll be able to enjoy things again and be happy. 

Felt okay during the week but today's been quite hard again. Went on YouTube and saw some videos of my fave band and I immediately had bad thoughts again and got upset  :(:

----------


## Suzi

Are you keeping a mood diary?

----------


## Butterfly

Yes I started one around last week  :(nod):

----------


## Suzi

Well done! I know it's hard to keep up with, but definitely do! 

What's on your agenda today?

----------


## Butterfly

Currently at lunch break  :):  Have definitely been better last week but I do my best to focus on what's ahead and that things will hopefully get better mentally. Hope you're doing good xx

----------


## Suzi

Hope you had a good lunch break! Are you at college or work today? Can you build in little treats for yourself each day? Maybe 5 minutes just sitting with a hot chocolate drink or watching an episode of your favourite tv show or listening to a favourite piece of music? Maybe you could use them as rewards for getting through the day?

----------


## Butterfly

Thank you  :):  Today I was at work. I do try to find some nice little treats during the day but it gets harder each day as all that once was a treat to me (fav tv show, music etc. like you've said) makes me unhappier instead of causing pleasure. It's really hard.

----------


## Mira

Well I never say something I don't mean. 

Its a treat for all of us when you post here.

And don't beat yourself up if you do not find your "treats" right away. You will find new ones. And in time you might like the old ones again too.

----------


## Suzi

Have you tried different things to see if that helps? Photography? Calligraphy? Knitting? Crochet? Scrapbooking? Cooking? Etc...

----------


## Strugglingmum

I love funny YouTube videos as a treat.

----------


## Butterfly

Thank you all  :Panda:  
It's definitely not easy to find new things when the things I loved to do are now those who bring unhappiness. However I still like to play video games or to paint... photography also seems like a good idea xx
Funny videos are also always nice  :(nod):

----------


## Suzi

Morning lovely, how are you today?

----------


## Butterfly

Not so well sadly. I feel really upset today

----------


## Mira

Want to talk about it?

----------


## Suzi

Why? Is there a trigger for it?

----------


## Butterfly

There hasn't been a trigger, sometimes it just hits me out of nowhere. I feel so low and sad, I wish to get my mind off things but can't even focus on something like taking a nice bath or something like that. I feel sort of... heartbroken, like going through a break-up where you miss your other half. With the difference that I'm not going through a break-up. Its difficult to explain actually, it's like desperately wanting to catch a glimpse of the sun but constantly being behind clouds

----------


## Mira

What Suzi said below is way better.

----------


## Suzi

> There hasn't been a trigger, sometimes it just hits me out of nowhere. I feel so low and sad, I wish to get my mind off things but can't even focus on something like taking a nice bath or something like that. I feel sort of... heartbroken, like going through a break-up where you miss your other half. With the difference that I'm not going through a break-up. Its difficult to explain actually, it's like desperately wanting to catch a glimpse of the sun but constantly being behind clouds


But it IS just like that. Going from what you thought you had (with good mental health) to where you are now (with mental ill health). There are differences, things that are easier/harder/better/worse etc but maybe you could try to allow yourself to grieve the life you had planned/imagined and allow yourself space and acceptance that things are different, but that doesn't mean you can't be happy in the future....

----------


## Butterfly

I mean it's not like I think there'll never be any good things in life again. But you said it correctly, I AM grieving my old life. It probably will never be the same again but I'm longing to have at least the small things of the "old life" back. It is upsetting to sort of loose this all. One day there surely will be happy moments again but right now it all feels so dark

----------


## Strugglingmum

Grieve away for your old life, it's natural, but hold onto that belief that things can be good again, you know what, they can even be better because you will be changed by your experience in a positive way too. So long as you can hold on to the fact that the sun is still shining behind the clouds, in time your clouds will start to thin and you will see breaks in them and the sun will shine full on your face again

----------


## Suzi

SM is right. Things may feel dark right now, but things will get better and brighter love. You can get through this.

----------


## Paula

You will get some of the old life back, itll take time and effort but you will get there. But its absolutely ok to grieve and its ok to shout and scream, if that helps.

----------


## Butterfly

This means so much  :Panda:  
Some days are just harder than others and some are like a Rollercoaster. I feel okay one minute and than really sad the next. Just doing my best to tell myself that it can and will get better again one day and that the therapist I'm seeing will be able to help too.
Hope you all are well and safe  :Panda:

----------


## Paula

My psychiatrist did once point out to me that life without MH illness is like that too - a rollercoaster of emotions. Its just we start at a lower point itms

----------


## Strugglingmum

That's what dwd is good at
Reminding you on the bad days that not every day will be like that. That the sun is still there even when you can't see it. We are here to do that for you because others have done it for us, and you will be able to do it for others someday because you will know it's true....you will see the sun again.

----------

Butterfly (20-01-21),Paula (20-01-21),Suzi (20-01-21)

----------


## Suzi

Thing is, life is like that for everyone - mh illness or not. No two days are the same emotionally, it's just that the highs and the lows and the speed of change is more noticeable and may be more extreme with mental ill health...

----------


## Butterfly

That's probably true. Everyone has hard days. It's just so difficult to see any light sometimes. Appreaciate it how supportive you all are though, it means so much xx Talking does help for certain, it doesn't make the problems go away but it's good to know that you're not alone xx

----------


## Suzi

That's it exactly.... It's nice to have someone else who "gets it" itms?

----------


## Butterfly

Yeah that's true, it definitely helps  :Panda: 
It's just all so difficult sometimes that I get overwhelmed

----------


## Suzi

How was the rest of your day?

----------


## Butterfly

It's been okay. Did snuggle with my cat and watched a bit tv and then got my stuff for tomorrow ready. College tomorrow xx

----------


## Suzi

Morning lovely. Glad that yesterday was OK. Hope college is going well today.

----------


## Paula

Hope today is a good day

----------


## Butterfly

Not a great day so far. Feeling really low today and just missing things really bad. The past few days my mood has been going lower than it was last week and whilst I hoped that maybe things got a bit better after a less good 2020, I feel like this year already has taken such a big toll  :(:

----------


## Strugglingmum

So today you just take it moment by moment.  Breathe deeply, try some relaxation or meditation. Find something funny to watch to make you laugh. Hug something. Eat something you love. Find the little things and allow yourself to be in the moment.

----------


## Suzi

Oh sweetheart! Can you divide today up and give yourself rewards for each bit you do?

----------


## Butterfly

I will try xx Will look for something nice to watch later on. I stumbled across some of my fan merchandise (that I keep in my room in a box) and got really upset about that as well because it reminded me of the good times like 1-1,5 years ago were this was what made me go through the day as well. Now I feel like I'm just living because I couldn't ever leave my parents and make them unhappy forever

----------


## Paula

Sweetie, I know youre going to see your therapist but I have to ask, would you consider talking to your doctor, and maybe thinking about medication? Sometimes, its worth taking the meds while youre having therapy to give yourself a bit of support - therapy can be difficult....

----------


## Suzi

I completely agree with Paula. It sounds like you're really struggling atm....

----------


## Butterfly

I definitely am struggling...
About the medication, I'm definitely a bit scared about that aspect. I know it does help but I'm scared of taking it actually... to become "addicted" to it, if you know what I mean? I will have a think about it though xx

----------


## Mira

How is your relationship with your parents? If you have a good relationship I am sure that you can not make them unhappy.

And with meds. I noticed that the ones I take give me a headache if I forget them. But they told me that if I am to stop with them we will do so in a good fashion and there is nothing to worry about. 

I am also thinking you have troubles with triggers around you. Things that make you think about your past. And this is in no way a solution but it might help a little. Could you give your room a bit of a make over? Make sure its your safe spot. With as little triggers as possible? Remember that you can make new connection with other hobbies etc. You found this place  :):

----------


## Paula

ADs are not addictive, lovely. When the time comes to stop taking them, there can be some symptoms (headache, nausea etc) but your doctor can help you set up a schedule to slowly reduce them to minimise this. But they are not addictive in the same way as alcohol, cigarettes etc. I know theres a lot out there against taking them, but I can assure you they can be life changing, in a very, very good way

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## Suzi

My husband's life was completely changed with medication - after his first breakdown it was with one kind of medication - then more recently with a different one. It can take a little trial and error to find the right one at the right dose to suit you, and they take between 4 and 8 weeks to get into your system at the therapeutic level, but without them things would be very, very different not only for my husband and in turn myself and my children, but for lots of my friends. 
It has to be your decision with your Dr though, but just don't rule them out completely would be my advice..

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## Butterfly

My relationship with my parents is amazing, I doubt they would ever judge me for anything. The thing is, I find it so hard to keep going at the moment and I know it must upset them too... which isn't what I want. Seeing them upset is horrible.

I'm glad you all have mostly good experiences with meds so far. They surely can help a lot and I wouldn't necessarily rule them out completely. I think I'll just give the therapy session next week a go akd have a think about meds too. Do you think I could ask the therapist for advice on it too just to get some more opinions? xx

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## Suzi

Of course you can! It just seems that you're really struggling atm which is only going to make everyday life and therapy harder... Just my point of view though... 
Hunni, of course you don't want to see them upset, but they are your parents and speaking as a parent I can tell you that they'll know there is something wrong, so talking to them is better than them thinking something worse or different is up. Parents worry, it's one of our many superpowers...

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## Butterfly

I definitely am...
My parents do know about the struggles and they're fully supportive of me going to therapy. They don't kniw what to do either anymore, my mum says she's so worried about me and it hurts to know that they worry so much

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## Suzi

Talk to your Dr/Therapist about meds love, at least see what they think. It might just help love.

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## Strugglingmum

Us mums worry....its what we do. Just keep talking to her as much as you can about things. It will help you both.  :(bear):

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## Mira

Before I told my mother I was so convinced it would break her to hear how I was doing. Like SM said. Mums worry. And so did mine. She still does. But she is also glad that I feel at ease enough to talk to her about it. That way she does not feel left out.

With a relationship like yours and your parents. You are the most precious they have in there life. So how could they not worry. 

Tbh I worry at times when I read the posts here on this forum. But you have them in your corner. 

 :Panda:

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Paula (23-01-21),Suzi (23-01-21)

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## Suzi

Morning hunni, how are you doing?

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## Butterfly

She is glad that I'm talking to her (and my dad occasionally) but she's definitely worried - which is normal. It's good to know that they're all therw for me though I wish I sometimes could be happier around them too
And I'm doing okay. Had a little cry yesterday evening and dreamt confusing things BUT I slept okay actually  :Panda:

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## Strugglingmum

A good sleep is a great start to the day

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## Suzi

Glad you slept well. Do you want to talk about your dreams?

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## Butterfly

I sort of dreamt about reading/seeing things and persons and when I woke up I wasn't sure whether I'd actually seen them. You know this feeling when you're not sure if it was reality or not? It sort of felt like that 
It wasn't anything bad just really confusing

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## Suzi

I do understand I think.. I've had similar dreams and they leave you feeling really unsettled all day... Are you able to do something nice for you today?

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## Butterfly

It really leaves a weird feeling all day! 
And I'm not sure... I think I'll just watch some tv and just lay down. Not feeling motivated to do much more now  :(snooze):

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## Strugglingmum

That's ok. Nice easy evening. Watch something you love. Xx

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## Suzi

How are you this morning?

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## Butterfly

I'm halfway okay, had a good sleep as well. Not really wanting the new week to start but got my appointment next week so am a bit nervous about that as well xx

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## Strugglingmum

I'm glad you had a good sleep. Its natural to be anxious about your appointment but it's great that you have one. Are you doing anything nice today??

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## Paula

Sleep really helps (so Ive discovered today, lol)

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## Butterfly

Aleep is lovely. I didn't get to do much today again... just feeling so low again. I just wish I could stoo thinking for a moment, just enjoy things again like it used to be. Instead I feel such a heartbreak... it really sucks. Nothing causes pleasure anymore and i just want to cry because it makes me so angry. Why can't my mind be quiet for a day or so? I WISH I could find distraction and pleasure in anything but nothing works.

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## Arty

Please don’t rule out medication. Depression and anxiety are illnesses that often need medication, just like diabetes does. As others have said, medication can be life changing (and have been for many on the forum) I hope you get on well with your therapy

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## Suzi

Hunni, why not try doing something different which isn't something you used to do. You seem very fixated on the past and what things were like before you became ill, that's never going to allow you to move forward at all....

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## Butterfly

I'm not ruling it out anymore I think. Maybe it really is for the better. I feel like it's getting out of control and that it's getting worse each day... I'll definitely speak to the therapist about it too and then will ask my doctor what he thinks. I just want to feel at least halfway okay again

I mean I COULD try and find something new. The thing is... I'm missing the nusic, the shows, the artists I used to enjoy before getting ill and that's just upsetting. I feel like no matter what, in the end things I like will end up making me upset again... so it makes no sense to search for something new  :=:

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## Paula

They wont, love, its not the things you like that are upsetting you, its the illness. Once you start recovering from the illness, youll start recovering your joy for life

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## Suzi

Sweetheart you aren't alone in missing music, shows, theatre etc - but there are so many other things you could do - I crochet, Paula has just taken up Knitting, Jaq knits, StrugglingMum crochets and knits, as does Magie (who does so many crafts all amazingly), Angie makes beaded jewellery and works with resin, Mike has an amazing garden and likes to play computer games, Stella has the most amazing knowledge of Michael Jackson and is a huge music fan! These are just a few of the things that we all do. It might be worth trying something?

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Butterfly (25-01-21)

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## Butterfly

I hope so... it's so hard to go through the day when all seems so dark. 
I'm not really good at knitting but maybe crafting is a good idea? Earlier that year I did some rock-painting... that was lovely. It's amazing how many of you got such great talents at knitting, crafting etc  :Panda: 
Video games are also lots of fun... I used to play a lot of Animal Crossing xx 
Music had been my passion pre-illness. I was really passionate about 90s music. Unfortunately that's faded away and one of the many things I miss right now as it was a big source of happiness  :Panda:

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Flo (25-01-21)

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## Mira

Those things happen. Its sad. Because of my mental health issues I have stopped so many things. I dont even watch a lot of tv anymore. I dont watch sports. And a lot of my hobbies I dont do anymore. I tend to game a lot. 

But its true. There are so many things that might be worth trying. I used to google and find interesting things that way. There are also good websites that can help with so many things. I did take a few language lessons online with a teacher or watch online lessons. 

Like Suzi said, its the ilness doing this to you. When you will feel a bit better, it might come back. Or maybe not and you will stay with something new. Its all ok. Because you are ok!  :(bear):

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Butterfly (25-01-21),Flo (25-01-21)

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## Butterfly

It's the same here. Many of my past interests and hobbies have just been put aside and I'd love to take up on them again. It's really sad.
Glad you've found some nice new things and language lessons sounds amazing!
I hope it'll come back because honestly... I do miss it. It's okay to find new things but I really miss the old things too, they've given me so much xx

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## Suzi

Rock painting is cool... Round here there is a thing where you paint a rock, put on it where you are from and then hide it in a public area, when someone finds it they tag it on FB and then rehide it so that you can see how far your rock can travel! It's really cool, some of them are stunning!

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Butterfly (25-01-21)

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## Strugglingmum

The old things will come back, mine are starting to but it's ok to try new stuff in the meantime. Some suggestions- Zentangle, colouring in, yoga, jogging, origami, patchwork, clay modelling. There are loads of things out there. Find one thing that you think, I've always wanted to try that, or that sounds interesting and just go for it. If you dont enjoy it, try something else. Some of the benefits are it passes time, gives your brain something to focus on, creativity is very therapeutic, you can learn new skills which boosts self esteem and you get a sense of achievement.  You dont have to be wonderful at them, just enjoy the process.

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Butterfly (25-01-21),Suzi (25-01-21)

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## Butterfly

Rock painting really sounds amazing! And that's such a lovely idea about hiding the rocks somewhere  :(nod): 
I'm glad to hear that the old things can come back. It does indeed feel a bit like grieving. I'm searching for something else to cause pleasure but sadld my mind doesn't allow me to like something anymore. It'll only find the bad aspects, will try to talk it bad so I'll stop liking it and finding joy in it. It has been like that with old favourites of mine too sadly xx

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## Suzi

Go for a walk and find some rocks...

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## Butterfly

I will try xx

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## Suzi

Have you managed to get out for a walk?

----------


## Butterfly

Unfortunately not as I couldn't bring myself to do anything but I did listen to some calming things. Feeling full of unwanted feelings today..

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## Paula

How about going for a walk today while listening to some calming things?

----------


## Suzi

When are your appointments with your therapist and Dr?

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## Butterfly

I will try and go for a walk today with listening to calming things...
The appointment with my therapist is this week, meeting with my doctor end of next week xx

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Paula (26-01-21)

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## Suzi

Are you keeping that mood diary we suggested? 
Have you been able to go for a walk? It doesn't have to be a long one, just get out and have some fresh air and exercise.

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## Butterfly

Yes I'm still doing the mood diary xx
Managed to go out for a small walk today too  :Panda:

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## Paula

Well done, lovely, thats awesome!

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## Suzi

That's fabulous! Where did you go? Did you see anything lovely?

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## Butterfly

I walked through the town where I live xx Saw some people with their dogs etc. and walked past some fields too  :(inlove):

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## Suzi

That sounds lovely!

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## Butterfly

Had a horrible day at work. My boss shouted at me like madness, got disrespectful and just talked me down like there's no tomorrow. For no reason. I wish I could quit that as well, it does nothing good to my mental health either. Wanted to go for a walk again to clear my mind but ended up crying

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## Strugglingmum

I'm sorry you've had such a poor time today. Its horrible having someone shout at you. 
Are you being kind to you tonight? What treat could you give yourself? A hot bath? Cuddles with the cat? A nice meal?

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Butterfly (28-01-21)

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## Suzi

Wow, what were they shouting at you?

I'm sorry it's been a rubbish day.. I agree with SM that it's even more important to be kind to yourself....

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## Butterfly

I'll try and be kind to myself today, cuddling with the cats sounds nice. 
He's been shouting a lot of disrespect things, ignoring I'm still learning and stuff. He could've said it far more friendly but this is on the edge. I really wish I didn't need to go there tomorrow or ever again

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## Flo

Oh dear! You don't deserve to be shouted at. Maybe you could think of looking for another job. But like SM and Suzi said try and do something nice that makes you happy..a nice lazy bath sounds good.

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Butterfly (28-01-21)

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## Mira

Your boss sounds terrible and should not treat people like that ever. And what I will say now sounds easy I know but you can not change his behaviour. The only thing that can be influenced is how you react to it. So doing something nice for you is best right now. And try to remember its not you. Its him. You are doing your best. Thats what counts.

It all sounds so easy I know. These things are hard for me as well. But remembering this helps me every now and then.

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Butterfly (28-01-21),Flo (28-01-21)

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## Suzi

Is he always like that or has today been a "blip"?  Is there any chance of changing departments or something?

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Butterfly (28-01-21),Flo (28-01-21)

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## Butterfly

I will definitely search for something new. I mean it's not a dream job in generel for me... and with that boss it only makes things worse. 
Sadly no one can change his behaviour which is really sad but unfortunately true. I will do my best to keep that in mind... and unfortunately, he always is like this. He's quite nasty in general, shouts at the tiniest errors - when, funnily enough, I haven't even made an error today and instead did all the tasks he requested. 
Will definitely search for something new..

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Flo (28-01-21)

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## Suzi

Sounds like a thoroughly miserable person to be around. 

Hope today is better for you....

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Butterfly (28-01-21)

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## Paula

Oh love, Im sorry youve had to deal with this  :Panda: , how are you today?

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Butterfly (28-01-21)

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## Butterfly

Definitely, he's horrible...
Today's been okay. I had the appointment and the therapist is a lovely guy. He asked questions but also let me talk a lot about my issues. As he put it in I'm a "black-and-white-thinker" which is why I struggle a lot. I always seem to go for "everything or nothing at all" which seems pretty accurate. 
It obviously haven't helped much yet but it's good to know that people listen. I'm feeling a bit weird though, a bit on the edge like finally knowing I can be free from my issues one day but at the same time like they'll haunt me forever  :Panda:

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## Strugglingmum

I'm glad you liked your therapist....that actually is a big part of the journey, which you have only started, give yourself time.

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## Suzi

I'm so glad you have had your first session and that you liked him. When's your next appointment?

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## Butterfly

The next appointment is the start of March... which is quite a while until then but he's quite booked out if I can say it like that. Again feeling a bit on the edge today but not motivated to go for a walk as its raining nonstop xx

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## Suzi

Shame you can't have another appointment until March. You could really do with some more regular therapy. Did you mention the idea of medication with him? Have you spoken to your Dr about it yet?

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## Butterfly

Yeah I think more regular appointments would be really good too... I haven't mentioned medication to him yet though. I've also spoken to my parents about possibly addressing it and they didn't sound very pleased. They said talking therapy should do its work now and I shouldn't take meds already.
Feeling really low and anxious today though... hoping for an okay weekend xx

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## Paula

With the best will in the world, hunni, your parents arent the ones who feel like this all the time.....

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Flo (30-01-21)

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## Suzi

I couldn't bear for my children to be struggling as much as you are when there are things out there that could help.....

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## Butterfly

I mean they basically couldn't do much if I decide to take meds, they're worried that I become "addicted" to them and say I should try talking therapy first and that my doctor wouldn't agree to meds anyways...

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## Suzi

I don't know why your Dr wouldn't agree! 

The meds aren't as addictive in the same way as people think - things like some of the sleeping medication or diazepam are, but that's why they aren't used as a long term medication. There's so much misinformation and stigma that it makes it so much harder for people to get the help they deserve...

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Butterfly (30-01-21)

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## Strugglingmum

So what can you do to help make the weekend easier?
A brisk walk, get the heart pumping? 
A movie you love? 
Phone a friend for a chat. 
Bake something.
Draw/sketch a picture
Play a game
Take a hot bubble bath
Give yourself a facial. Try a different makeup look. 
Do a makeover of your room.
Tidy out a drawer or cupboard. Ask your mum to help to get you started.

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Butterfly (30-01-21),Suzi (30-01-21)

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## Butterfly

Agree that there's a bit of a stigma towards meds... I definitely believe that they help and that you're not getting addicted, you're just getting help from somewhere else. 
Thank you your tips... went for a walk earlier and later on I'll watch some tv. Feeling a bit tired today but helped my mum to make dinner xx

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## Suzi

Well done for going for a walk and for cooking dinner with your Mum! That's lovely!

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## Strugglingmum

Well done. Each wee bit helps you get through

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## Butterfly

Thank you xx It was lovely... I'm not a big fan of cooking actually but it depends  :(inlove):

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## Suzi

It's something I didn't like until I learnt to cook! I loved spending time with my husband before his breakdown when he taught me! Now I love it!

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## Butterfly

That's lovely! It's an amazing skill/hobby for certain  :(inlove): 

I'm not really having a good start to the week. Feeling really overwhelmed and having a lot of bad thoughts that I can't switch off. Struggling a lot - again - with things like comparing to others, missing old things and just generally so annoyed and unhappy with everything

----------


## Suzi

Is there anything you can do to give you something to look forward to later? A nice treat at lunchtime or a walk and maybe taking some photos? Spending time with your Mum etc?

----------

Butterfly (01-02-21),Strugglingmum (01-02-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Have you tried grounding techniques for when your brain is racing and tumbling all the negatives around? 
It really helps me to just be present in the moment and notice pleasant things around me. It gives me a moment to just be. It's like you teach yourself to just enjoy that moment and be at peace in that moment.

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Butterfly (01-02-21)

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## Butterfly

I don't know... maybe just a relaxed evening. 
What's grounding technique? Sorry for asking  :(angel):  It sounds like a good method... it just seems all so difficult right now..

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## Paula

There are all sorts of ways to use grounding techniques. This website lists a few. I particularly found the senses technique very helpful. You can also have someone talk these through with you (eg list 5 sounds you can hear) so it could be something you can get your parents to do with you

https://youngminds.org.uk/blog/the-g...en-im-anxious/

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Butterfly (05-02-21),Flo (02-02-21)

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## Suzi

There are lots of different grounding techniques. 
The one I've used a lot is the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... 
Find:
5 things that you can see
4 things you can hear
3 things you can touch
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste

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Butterfly (05-02-21),Flo (02-02-21)

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## Butterfly

That sounds interesting... I'll definitely try it out. Sounds like a great method xx
Thank you all  :Panda:

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Suzi (01-02-21)

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## Butterfly

Sorry for the double post xx
Okay so after a horrible week so far I'm now on calming meds called 'Laif 900' 
Don't know if it's just my imagination or if they actually make my heart racing a bit but they apparently seem to be popular and effective. Said they help after 2 weeks already. Hope yku all had a better week xx

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## Suzi

Those are commonly known as St John's Wort. A herbal remedy. It does only appear to help in very mild cases - and if you are on any other medication - especially oral contraceptives then you HAVE to tell the pharmacist as they interact with so many things and cause so many issues. 

Can I ask why you've started this, rather than talking to your Dr?

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Butterfly (06-02-21)

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## Paula

Oh love, you really need to see your doctor. Youve been here for a month now and, if youd have gone then, youd be well into treatment that would be starting to make you feel better. Im sorry to be blunt, but what youre doing is not working - and St Johns Wort really isnt helpful for most people

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Butterfly (06-02-21)

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## Butterfly

Everyone in my family is talking me out of meds like antidepressants and stuff so I probably start to believe too that I shouldn't take them. Sometimes I feel like I'm not "ill enough" to take them... I'm so sorry.

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## Suzi

You have nothing to be sorry for lovely, it's just we've kind of been there, done that - either ourselves or been through it with a loved one. 

Why are they so desperate for you not to take them?

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Butterfly (06-02-21)

----------


## Paula

Oh I get it, I really do hunni. But ultimately, youre the one whos feeling like this, not them. And take it from someone who knows, getting to the point where youre so ill you self destruct is not fun. Its fab that youre seeing a therapist but that can take a long time and a lot of heartache to get through, and it may be you need some help in the meantime..... please see your doctor

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Butterfly (06-02-21)

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## Butterfly

I don't know.. I suppose they're seeing those "horror stories" and see it as sort of addicting. They say I shouldn't be focusing on wanting to take meds already when I just started into talking therapy. 
I told them that I'm not seeing as an easy way out and that it CAN take time to work and to adjust to it but that it helps. They just said "Yes YOU think that, try out therapy first. No doctor will give you meds straight away." - and I just think... can I really go to my doctor, tell him my symptoms and expect to get meds or advice for meds?

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## Mira

I know what you mean. But the horror stories are there about anything and everything. I think the internet made it even worse. One thing I always have thought and what my therapist told me is that the meds are there for support. The work needs to be done in therapy. 

All I can say is have an open mind about everything. And yes you can go into the doctors and ask him that. I am noticing a shift in the way we and doctors talk to each other. When I was growing up the doctor was a revered person and not to be talked back to or give your own thoughts. And now lots of the time they themself ask what do you think?

I know that in Germany that is a bit different then here but its also changing a bit. And its you! You are your own person and you have the right to stick up for yourself. And if meds can help you with feeling better then I hope you can have that option.

----------

Butterfly (06-02-21),Flo (06-02-21),Paula (06-02-21),Stella180 (06-02-21),Strugglingmum (06-02-21),Suzi (06-02-21)

----------


## Paula

You dont know what your doctor will say and your family dont know that either. The only to find that out is to make an appointment and see your doctor, talk it all through with them..

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Butterfly (06-02-21),Flo (06-02-21),Suzi (06-02-21)

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## Strugglingmum

I think it's a conversation worth having with your doctor. They are there to advise you and guide you to whatever is best for you.

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Butterfly (06-02-21),Flo (06-02-21),Suzi (06-02-21)

----------


## Suzi

> I don't know.. I suppose they're seeing those "horror stories" and see it as sort of addicting. They say I shouldn't be focusing on wanting to take meds already when I just started into talking therapy. 
> I told them that I'm not seeing as an easy way out and that it CAN take time to work and to adjust to it but that it helps. They just said "Yes YOU think that, try out therapy first. No doctor will give you meds straight away." - and I just think... can I really go to my doctor, tell him my symptoms and expect to get meds or advice for meds?


That attitude makes me so cross! Sweetheart the others are right, there are horror stories about everything - from crossing a road to finding tarantulas in their new bunch of bananas... Instead of looking at the horror, maybe tell them some of the stories of lives that have been saved by taking meds - my husbands included. He had therapy as well as meds. He still takes them today because his life is better with them than without.... 
Surely the concept of being able to live your life, rather than existing is better? I know that there are concerns about addiction, but they don't work in the same way as other medication and you come off them slowly as and when the time is right. 
As to talking to your Dr - yes that's exactly what you do...

----------


## Butterfly

I mean they surely wouldn't forbid me to get happy, they probably just see meds for depression the wrong way. My grandmother takes meds too for anxiety and my parents think she's far too depending (?) on them... but they help. I don't say that I immediately want to take meds because I think talking can help too - but so can meds and a combination of both, as it's been mentioned, seems a good thing. I just don't want to upset them and they always get so angry when I speak about that topic to them. They say my doctor 1) would want me to keep talking therapy first and 2) can't even prescribe me any meds.
I'm just so annoyed with the whole situation - and a bit scared to speak to my doctor about this subject too. So far I've not seen my doctor for many "major" issues yet. It's just a bit scary too I suppose xx

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## Suzi

Why can't your Dr prescribe you meds? 
What meds are your Grandmother taking?

----------


## Butterfly

I don't know. They say he can't do that because he's just a normal doctor for issues like a cold etc. and not a doctor for mental health. 
I'm not certain what exact meds my grandmother is taking, I only know that it's anxiety meds. Her and my mum aren't exactly fond of each other so I guess my mum doesn't want me to be like her... though I don't think that taking meds would make me be like her.

Earlier my mum and I sorted the basement and we've found some old pics for when I was in nursery or primary school. I looked so happy and carefree. I asked her "If you'd known what will happen to me, mental health wise, would you still have had me?" Cruel I know. She said, she would always choose ti have me again no matter what issues would be crossing our way. She'll try and find a way to bring back this happy kid from the pics no mattet how hard it'll be.
My dad said that, if I want, I can speak to a doctor about meds. He's not holding me back. He's just not a fan of it

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## Suzi

Why on earth would they not want to have had you if they knew you were going to have depression? That's a horrible thing to suggest. This isn't something forever, it's a bump, you can get through this and be happy, but you have to do stuff to get to that point. 
Go and see your Dr and talk to them.

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## Butterfly

I don't know.. it's probably my mind telling me I'm such a burden to them and that they'd be better off without me. My mind's constantly saying I'm a looser and will never be good enough at anything, I'll always fail and no matter how I do (even if doing good), there always will be those who did better and sometimes that thoughts eat me up. Don't get me wrong - by no means am I saying that people wird mental health issues are loosers. They all are incredibly strong!
I just have no self-esteem.
I WILL call my doctor this upcoming week though. It can't go on like this, it needs to be done

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## Paula

Please do, hunni, youre right, you cant continue feeling like this

----------


## Suzi

Call them tomorrow love. You deserve so much more.

----------


## OldMike

Please call the doctor as soon as possible, you deserve to be well again and that's the first step.

----------


## Butterfly

I called him. Having an appointment in roughly three weeks to speak about things, unfortunately he's not available sooner

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## Paula

Well done for making that call, lovely

----------


## Suzi

That's brilliant! Well done!

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## Butterfly

Thank you so much  :Panda: 
It feels good to get it done soon.. I'm a bkt nervous but it'll be okay xx

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## Suzi

It's OK to be nervous. Tell them that you're nervous and make a bullet point list of how you are feeling and all your symptoms - then if you find it hard to remember what you wanted to say then you can refer to your list.... Remember, you won't be the first or the last person they will see who are struggling with their mental health - especially atm...

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## Flo

Susi's right, make a list of things you want to say so you can refer to it....we're living in very unnatural times so don't feel bad about having a bit of a wobble.

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## Butterfly

Thank you xx I'll definitely take my list along. Its always good (though sad) to know that I'm not alone in these struggles. So many out there have a hard time and it's so sad.
Work has been rubbish again today. I feel so stressed and always am so relieved when I come home or have the weekend. Just makes me feel calmer because of not having that rubbish boss around for a bit. He lets me feel that he has a deep dislike for me. 
On a positive note, I plan to cook a lovely dinner on the weekend xx

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## Suzi

Sounds like your work is a big trigger for you. Is there any way you could change jobs/departments or something? 

OO what dinner are you planning on cooking?

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## Butterfly

It is. I mean I technically could change the job and I definitely want to.. it's just more difficult right now because many companies are closed and aren't looking at applications due to home office things and the lockdown situation. However I definitely can't and don't want to stay at this currently workplace. It makes me go mad.

And I plan to cook an Indian dish. Found a lovely receipt online and will be trying it out on Saturday xx

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## Paula

It might be worth having a look round the job market. I know its difficult right now but its worth a try.....

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Butterfly (12-02-21)

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## Suzi

Absolutely, look around - you might find something or at least you'll be able to get out when things relax due to covid.. 
I love Indian food!  :):

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Butterfly (12-02-21)

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## Butterfly

Yeah I'll definitely look out for something. It's just like.. they're obviously not liking me and I don't even know why. They're asking others how their weekend was, what they've neen up to, how things are going etc. - and the only conversation they're having with me is "Clean the storage." 
It just makes me doubt myself even more. Without coming across as arrogant, but I think I'm nice and friendly. What's their problem? I'm really doing my best to work hard. Last year I was off with an injury because they made me carry too heavy packages - when I came back they made me carry heavy things again and said "And this time you're not taking time off for this again." 
I feel like the only safe place is with my family or with friends. Like a safe bubble. 
I feel like the biggest burden, especially towards my parents. I feel bas for living at home still, though at 21 that's really nothing bad and since I'm not in a relationship at the moment, I wouldn't want to move out and be alone in a house or flat anyways. 
I just feel like.. othesr are doing so well in life, archiving things and I'm not managing anything. I'm so scared of life and thw future and it hits so hard.. just trying to stay positive about seeing my doctor soon.

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## Suzi

That sounds like a horrible place to work at! 
You definitely aren't a burden - I'm sure about that. 
You are managing loads! You need to stop being so hard on yourself lovely.

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Butterfly (12-02-21)

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## Butterfly

It is.. 
I know I'm hard on myself, I just can't stop. Every time I think it's an okay day, my mind tells me otherwise. It's like it forces me to overthink and worry. I worry so much about the future, about when to do things.. I WANT to do things and yet my mind always tells me 1) I need to plan out everything instead of just going for it or 2) I'm too old, it's too late etc. 
I don't know of it makes sense but I need to get it off my chest: Ever since I was little, I dreamt of performing in theatre. Now right now this isn't possible due to covid but I still want ti pursue this. Not to get rich and be famous as heck but just to do what I like.. then, my mind tells me that it's already too late as others started with pursuing a career/hobby like that earlier in life. I then tell my mind that it's never too late to go for something. My mind speaks back and says that, if I want to have a family one day, I have to forget about that. I then tell my mind that you don't need to be married and have a kid at 30. It's okay if you archive that by 40 too. 
My mind then says that, if I want my parents to meet my future kid, I have to start as early as possible. But then I obvious am not ready for kids yet. Then my mind goes somewhere else and is scared about loosing people close to me, specifically my parents.
THEN I feel envious of those who seemingly have it all.. though that doesn't need to be reality. Social media can lie. It's like a circle that constantly goes through my head. Why can't I just go for things and not worry too much about the future? 
I feel so drained. Every time my mind seems to come off a thought, there's more worry to come.
Sorry for the long post.

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## Suzi

Hunni, you are definitely not too old for anything! If you want to do something, go and have a go! 
Why not put together a youtube show or something? Or investigate things like local amateur dramatic groups etc - Maybe not for now, but maybe for later? 

Don't apologise for longer posts, it's all fine  :O:

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Butterfly (13-02-21)

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## Butterfly

I will try it out for sure once lockdown is over. Just am such an overthinker. There are many acting groups in the city I live so it seems logical to give it a go; it's just so hard sometimes to stop doubts and worries. 
Having a specifically hard day today. It's like everything's fell down and is now crushing me, like I barely can breathe. This sucks so so much. All I want is the tiniest source of happiness but instead I feel like I'm mourning my old self who's beek dying a bit more each day and is now gone completely after receiving its final drip over the egde

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## Paula

Hunni, are you talking to your family?

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Butterfly (13-02-21)

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## Suzi

What about getting out for a walk?

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Butterfly (13-02-21)

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## Butterfly

Yeah I've let them know that I'm really at a low point today. They said they don't know what to do but that they're here if I need to get something off my chest
I think I'll be going for a walk now before it gets dark outside

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## Suzi

Did you manage to get out at all?

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## Butterfly

Yeah I managed to get out for a walk. However I had a breakdown earlier and now I have a massive headache from crying so much. I think the last time I cried so hard was when my cat was put down a few years ago...

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## Suzi

Sometimes the tears are a release and help to move forward a bit love...

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Butterfly (13-02-21)

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## Butterfly

That's true. I still feel the need to cry more but I'm actually too tired right now... I told my dad a bit about what's going on in my head at the moment and he said he understands my point and that I should try and not compare myself to others too much, as he thinks it's one of my biggest issues. Which is true but I just can't stop. It's like an addiction...

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## Suzi

Then lovely, you need to get help to work through it. Counselling and medication if your Dr thinks it's appropriate will help love.

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Butterfly (13-02-21)

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## Butterfly

Absolutely... I mean the appointment is in roughly two weeks so not too long but it just feels like there's no energy left anymore.

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## Paula

Are you looking after yourself? Drinking enough? Eating?

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## Butterfly

Yeah I do. Struggled a bit to eat today but I still managed to eat enough and stay hydrated xx

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## Flo

Good girl..that's the way!

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Butterfly (14-02-21)

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## Butterfly

I'm doing so bad right now... I can't stop crying. I cried myself to sleep and it's now not even 1pm and I'm already crying again. I feel so low, like my heart got finally broken

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## Suzi

Do you want to talk about what's going on in your head?

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## Paula

:Panda:

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## Butterfly

It just feels a bit hopeless. It's like the small cardhouse I've built up over the past few days came crashing down yesterday and I now am at rock bottom. It's like.... no matter what I do, it'll never bring happiness. Too much comparing to others, too much overthinking and too many things I'll probably will never reach
 :Panda:

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## Paula

Hunni, although youve made big strides with starting therapy and making an appointment to see your doctor, you have actually started any treatment proper yet. So, words like never dont apply - once you get the treatment you need, you will start to feel more hopeful

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Butterfly (14-02-21)

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## Suzi

Sweetheart don't be so hard on yourself. You've got to give yourself chance. I bet it's only since you've been here that you've actually acknowledged your feelings and actually started talking. You're breaking down the barriers love, it will let things out... You need to give yourself chance to allow yourself to work with the therapy and meds (if appropriate) and allow yourself time to start to heal....

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Butterfly (14-02-21)

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## Butterfly

I know it's harsh to say "never" when I barely started therapy yet. It just feels so bad right now. It's like things are just getting worse and although I know that I'll have a talk with my doctor soon, I wonder if I'll ever get better again. I miss my old sources of happiness so so much. It just breaks me that I can't switch off for at least one hour. This constant need of wanting to be like others, being unhappy if it doesn't happen, and just this constant worry about everything eats me up from inside

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## Suzi

You will get better lovely, you'll get help and you will find happiness love...

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Butterfly (15-02-21)

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## Butterfly

This sounds comforting. I miss who I used to be. A girl with dreams and goals, who aspired to be like others but didn't necessarily had the need to copy them. Nowadays I gave up on all my dreams, feeling like I'll never manage them anyways. My mind cruely decided that it's better to be unhappy than to follow any dreams and just go for it. It's like an endless circle

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## Paula

You will have dreams again and you will fulfil those dreams - I promise

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Butterfly (16-02-21)

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## Suzi

No need to give up on your dreams at all, you're still young and you can still do this.

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Butterfly (16-02-21)

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## Butterfly

It just feels so hard not to give up sometimes. It feels like all I held onto has fallen apart and I'm now drowning. I keep going for the sake of my parents but it's so hard

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## Suzi

It is hard to keep going, but you can do this. When's your Dr's appointment?

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## Butterfly

It's on 1st March so in roughly 2 weeks. Still seems so long when every day is a huge struggle.. it's like there's no way out, no matter what path I take. I'm just longing for any sort of happy feeling

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## Suzi

Are you looking for the big things, or looking around you for the smaller things - like a nice drink, or a warm shower or sitting in the park?

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## Butterfly

I don't know.. probably for the big things. I put so much stress on myself. I do try to focus on the small things like sunshine or a nice meal but it just doesn't make me feel anything...

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## Paula

Are you focussing on happiness or peace/contentment? Sometimes, when were proper poorly, it helps to adjust our expectations...

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## Suzi

I completely agree with Paula. Lovely, I think you're trying too hard...

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## Butterfly

I don't know... I think I do my best to focus on the small things, to find contentment but it just doesn't work out. Every day is such a struggle. I probably am putting myself under too much stress and expectations to manage certain things but in all honesty, I truly feel like I'll end up unhappy forever if I can't reach what I aspire. It's a bad goal...

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## Suzi

It sounds as if you are really being hard on yourself. You aren't going to suddenly be happy love, you didn't get poorly overnight, so its going to take time to get better....

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## Butterfly

I am. It's just such a huge struggle. Things don't improve immediately in the space of a few weeks but, I don't know either, it would be lovely to just feel something like a small joy. It's been music that made me joyful before and now it doesn't. I hate everything I used to love. 
I don't know how long I can keep going like this. I just wish to curl up in my mum's arms like when I was younger and just cry it out until it stops.
On a postive note, I did manage to go for a walk today

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## Suzi

Why not try listening to something different? Have you told your Mum that you need to feel like that again? 

Well done for getting out for a walk. Where did you go? What did you see?

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## Butterfly

I don't know.. it's hard to let things go that were the source of so much happy moments, and now my mind forbids me those things. I told her and she said she'll always be there to hug me and let me cry if I need to. She said no matter what age I am, I'll always be her little girl. 
I walked past the forrest and past some fields, it's a lovely place there and I took several nice photos. We've still got some snow too so it was a lovely scene  :O:

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## Paula

My eldest is 23 and just buying her first house. I promise you that no matter how grown up she is, I will always be there for her whether she wants to cuddle up for hours, or bawl in my arms. No matter how old or grown up she gets. As your mum said, she will always be my little girl. Thats what mums should do, and it sounds like your mum wants to do that for your too. Btw, when I finally got help for my MH illness, it was because my mum frog marched me down to the doctors, did all the talking and refused to leave until I got that help. I was 27 with a 3 year old and a 3 month old. It didnt matter how old I was, I needed my mum

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## Flo

Sounds like you have a great mum, and she's right you'll always be her baby and she wants the best for you. My daughter is 43 and still turns to me so she can have a good cry when things get tough. That's was good mums do....that's what they WANT to do. Nice that you took some photos.

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## Suzi

*Hi 5's your Mum* She's epic. Talk to her. Keep her involved - not only will it help you, but it'll help her too. Maybe talk through everything honestly with her or your Dad and take one of them with you to the Drs? 
BTW it's not letting go of things that gave you joy, it's postponing them and trying to find other things to fill the gaps right now. You never know, you could find your next big passion.... 

Well done for the walk, sounds lovely.

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## Butterfly

I really am so grateful for my mum. I don't know what to do without her, she's such a huge support. It's good to hear that you all completely get what I mean and have been in similar situations... parents are just the biggest support out there ❤
I try and talk to her about everything that's going through my head even if it's not easy sometimes. 
And yeah it might be true that I don't have to let go of the things I used to love completely. It just feels like that and that's what's upsetting. All that brought me joy has gone away and even if there might be a new passion somewhere, I still am missing the old things at the moment... xx

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## Suzi

Could you be trying too hard to find things to bring you joy, rather than seeing what things make you smile during the day?

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## Butterfly

Could be possible. It's just that I miss these things so badly and I want them to come back. Obviously nice weather or a good meal makes me feel good too but it's not the same. I miss any sort of joy in my life, that used to be there but isn't anymore. It's like looking through fog and knowing things are there but you can't see them anymore or reach them

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## Suzi

But pushing yourself, and trying to MAKE it be a positive is just never going to make it happen love. Sometimes you have to just accept how things are FOR NOW and then ride through to the better times. You're appointment is coming closer and that will help love. You've got this.

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Butterfly (18-02-21)

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## Butterfly

Seems likely... it's just so hard to accept that things are the way they are right now and that it'll not change for a while. There's just no escape from my thoughts - at the moment. 
I'm glad my appointment's getting closer and I hope that's going to be a step in the right direction. Thank you for all this support xx

On a postive note, I bought my mum's birthday present today and wrapped it in. I hope she'll like it  :O:

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## Suzi

OO when's her birthday? What did you get her? 

Have you written a bullet point list to take to the Drs with you in case you find it difficult to remember everything to say to them?

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Butterfly (19-02-21)

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## Butterfly

Her birthday is today  :(inlove):  I got her her favourite perfume xx
Yes I have written a bullet point list, shortly after I'd made the appointment. I think it'll help with being less nervous and having the most important points written down xx

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## Suzi

Happy birthday to your lovely Mum! She's got a good time to have a birthday  :O:  

Well done on making that list. I know it's tough, but it's so important. Have you thought of asking your Mum to go with you?

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Butterfly (19-02-21)

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## Paula

Itll definitely help, well done lovely, it can a challenge writing it down but means you can tell the doctor how it really is

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Butterfly (19-02-21)

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## Butterfly

Thank you guys xx We've had a lovely day! I love my mum, she's my biggest treasure and I'm so so grateful to have her. I hope one day I'm going to be an amazing mum as she is  :(talk): 
I did asked her a few days ago whether she can come along and she said she can do that if it would make me feel better. I'm sort of "looking forward" to the appointment as it means a good move in the right direction but obviously it makes me nervous too. I aspire to get better one day, live the life the way I hope and aspire the things I want... that's my goal  :Panda:

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## Suzi

That's brilliant for you to feel comfortable enough for her to come with you...

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## Butterfly

I'll definitely feel morw comfortable when she's with me. I trust her with most of the things and it's good to have her by my side. 
It's been an okay day yesterday actually. However as usual after an alright day, I usually feel lower the next day - just like today. I don't know what to do, it felt so good to be okay yesterday...

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## Suzi

Then what have you done today that is positive for you? Something of self care or spending time with your Mum?

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## Butterfly

I went out for a small walk and then got some stuff for making dinner tomorrow... am watching a movie now with my parents and have been calling my friend earlier that day xx

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## Suzi

It sounds like you are doing well today keeping doing different things etc What movie are you watching?

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Butterfly (21-02-21)

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## Paula

Sounds exactly what you needed  :):

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Butterfly (21-02-21)

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## Suzi

Morning lovely, hope today is a brighter one for you.

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Butterfly (21-02-21)

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## Butterfly

We've been watching a comedy movie, exactly what was needed  :(nod): 
I'm struggling again today but it's lovely weather outside so I'll try and go for a walk later today xx

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## Suzi

Hooray for comedy! 

Do try to go for that walk, it will help lovely..

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Butterfly (21-02-21)

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## Butterfly

I did manage to go out for a walk, it was lovely. 
I'm not feeling horrible today but not great either. Still quite on the egde if I'm honest...

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## Suzi

Well done on going out for the walk. Glad you're not feeling horrible... Keep talking lovely....

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Butterfly (21-02-21)

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## Paula

Im glad you got out. It all helps, love

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Butterfly (21-02-21)

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## Butterfly

Going for a walk always makes me feel better physically by the end of the day. Mentally, not so much. It does help to clear my mind but here I am, full of bad thoughts again. Scared and worried and unable to enjoy anything, any second of the day. I'm dreading each day because each day that goes by I haven't done anything I want to accomplish, I still am not enjoying anything and have no new passion and also I am so scared to loose those I love.

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## Suzi

Have you thought about calling a helpline to talk through these thoughts?

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## Butterfly

I'm always a bit scared when it comes to phone calls, especially to strangers. It's so hard to explain these thoughts.... sometimes I don't even know what exactly is up. There are so many struggles, it even turned into OCD features if I might say that. All those struggles and worries and envy etc. have made me avoid numbers and letters and words because I'm scared the use of them will cause more harm... there's so much in my head...

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## Suzi

Here we have text lines too like SHOUT where you can get trained help and support but all through text. Would something like that be of use for you? 

In what way do you think it's OCD?

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## Butterfly

I've heard about the Shout helpline but haven't found yet whether it exists in Germany too. It definitely would make me feel calmer because it just feels easier by text.
It's because of seeing certain numbers and letters as bad and causing harm. I try to avoid them and there are many letters and numbers who? to me, seem unsafe to use.
So many thoughts to overcome

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## Paula

How about web chats or email services?

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## Butterfly

That sounds like a good plan. I'll try and look out what the opportunities are for this, thank you for this advice xx
I had an okay sleep. Having a lot of unwanted thoughts and feelings, am scared and just hope the day goes by soon...

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## Suzi

Does this help at all? 

https://www.opencounseling.com/hotlines-de

Hope today gets brighter for you.

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Butterfly (24-02-21)

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## Butterfly

That sounds good.. I'll give it a try, thank you so much xx
It got a bit better during the day xx

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## Suzi

So glad it got brighter during your day love. That's really fabulous! Another day closer to your Doctors appointment.

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Butterfly (24-02-21)

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## Butterfly

That's a good thing to look forward too, I'm a bit nervous but it'll help. Going on like this isn't a good solution. To lead a life so full of envy, worry etc. isn't good. I wish I could be someone else, no one's life is perfect - specifically not those we see on social media but I just wish I could be someone else

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## Paula

Well, I think youre just right for being you - and I like who you are  :):

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Butterfly (24-02-21)

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## Butterfly

Thank you  :Panda: 
I mean my life isn't bad apart from the mental health issues. I've got a lovely family, a safe home and we're financially stable. And I feel so guilty for saying this. But I wish I had someone else's life... which isn't a picture-perfect life either but I'd love to have the life of someone else. And not live this life I don't want... have all those thoughts I can't escape from. I hate this so so much. I feel like it only gets worse, I can't enjoy ANYTHING anymore and it breaks me. I wish I could at least stop caring about small issues but it just doesn't work out

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## Suzi

Is this "just" because of the depression or are there other things going on?

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## Butterfly

I'm not sure... I'm a massive worrier and can't make my mind shut up about the future. Instead of just letting things happen and enjoying them, and seeing what the future will bring, I already worry about things in like 10-20 years time. I have no idea where that orginates from but it's making me go mad. Maybe that's why I wish to simply lead somebody else's life

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## Suzi

Have you tried mindfulness or meditation at all?

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## Paula

Hunni, I dont think having someone elses life is going to stop you worrying. Most of us worry, Im horrendous for that, its just how we manage that worry that matters. As Suzi says, mindfulness or meditation can be extremely beneficial. I only really started 18 months ago but its made such a difference for me

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## Butterfly

Yes I do some meditation in the evening, listening to relaxing stuff, and it definitely helps to calm me down and make me feel more relaxed. I also am occasionally doing the "5 things I can see etc" thing when my thoughts are overwhelming. 

I'm glad it has helped others too, it's good to hear others having good experiences and help as well. 

I mean I know that most people worry too. It's just that - I compared myself so much to others and whilst I know that this isn't a healthy way of thinking, it happens automatically. I see others, specifically celebs I like, and am thinking "Obviously they're satisfied and happy, look at how much they've archived. How good their life seems. How strong and brave they are. I'll never be like them." and no matter how hard I try to tell me that they've got struggles too, that not everything they do needs to me done by myself too, I don't get happier. I avoid looking at social medi at all but my head's still full of thoughts and they just increase esch day because deep down I know that I'll never be even close to being similar as them. I'll never be brave or archive anything to be pro of myself or others will admire. I'll never be good enough

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## Paula

You are already good enough, love. It breaks my heart to see someone my daughters age who thinks like that about themselves...

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Butterfly (26-02-21)

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## Suzi

Hunni, what you see in the media of the lives of celebrities isn't how things are. If it was then we wouldn't have lost legends like Robin Williams, Chester Bennington, Chris Cornell, Kurt Cobain etc etc You never know the battles someone is having behind closed doors love....

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Butterfly (26-02-21)

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## Butterfly

I mean that's true and deep down I know that too - so many celebs have ended their life far too soon and no one knows how someone's truly feeling. And though I deep down know that, my mind can help and cause these thoughts to repeat over and over again in my head. It's like a little voice that holds me back from enjoying anything. Too much envy, too much comparing, never feeling like I actually did something well or good.

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## Suzi

Do you know where this all started? When you began to feel that you weren't as good as others etc?

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## Butterfly

I'm not sure. I think it properly started becoming this bad around half a year ago. Before that I also struggled with that among other things but not as bad as now

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## Paula

Was there any trigger that you can think of?

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## Butterfly

If I'm honest, then I can't think of an exact trigger. I mean I've always been a huge overthinker and used to compare myself a lot to others but never as bad as the past few months. It feels like I CAN'T be happy ever again if I don't manage what my idols did.. which is an unhealthy way of thinking as many things will be out of my control, but I already know that this thought is eating me up

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## Suzi

I'm sorry you're feeling like this hunni, but you really do come across as a lovely, kind, intelligent and wonderful person. I wish you could see what we saw in you

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Butterfly (27-02-21)

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## Butterfly

Thank you, that's lovely of you xx
I wish I could see rhe bright side of things too but it just don't work out. I see others I look up to and almost immediately feel bad and unhappy 
I'm just glad about my appointment on Monday xx

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## Suzi

I'm glad the appointment is almost here for you too. Have you written your list of things to talk to them about?

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Butterfly (28-02-21)

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## Butterfly

Yes I have, all is prepared for tomorrow xx

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## Paula

Will be thinking of you, hunni

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## Suzi

Will you let us know how you get on with it love?

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## Butterfly

Thank you so much  :Panda: 
I'll let you know how it went tomorrow evening xx

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Paula (28-02-21)

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## Suzi

Thank you lovely. Will be thinking of you x

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Butterfly (01-03-21)

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## Strugglingmum

All the best for tomorrow.  X

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Butterfly (01-03-21)

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## Flo

Good luck for today. :(bear):

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Butterfly (01-03-21)

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## Suzi

Hope it goes well today lovely x

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Butterfly (01-03-21)

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## Butterfly

Thank you guys xx It went okay. He asked a few questions and I told him several things, all from my list. I also explained how long this has been going on and that it got worse recently and that I'm taking plant-based meds. He said that's okay but he's not a big fan of meds actually because he always wants to go the way of talking therapy first. He then wrote down several therapists, saying that one of them is specifically good with people my age and he can only recommend him. Having an appointment again next month to speak about how things have been progressing. 

If I'm honest and though I'm glad that I've managed this step, I feel even worse now. I don't even know why. I just feel so bad, like crying. Why can my mind never shut up, why keep things getting worse and worse and why can't I enjoy the smallest things any longer and instead am feeling so much envy and the unhealthy nees to copy everything they do to feel happy? I just want to hide in a dark room forever and wait because nothing will ever change at all, no matter what I do

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## Suzi

I'm so proud of you for going and talking to him. It's going to have a huge impact on you though as you've opened up and talked about how things are. You need to be kind to you tonight and for the next few days. 
Are you going to call the therapist that they've suggested?

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Arty (01-03-21),Butterfly (01-03-21)

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## Paula

Oh love, it really is normal to feel like that after opening up to a medical professional. Im so proud of you for today. Please, please be kind to you, you deserve it  :Panda:

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Butterfly (01-03-21)

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## Butterfly

I'll definitely be contacting the therapist that he suggested. He's nearby too so not too far away either. 
I just feel so low. Like I know that one talk doesn't improves things but I just feel so low and at the end. I don't know what to do anymore, I just want to cry it out until I'm run out of tears but that won't help either. I'm really really missing something to cheer me up today

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## Paula

:Panda:

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Butterfly (02-03-21)

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## Strugglingmum

I know you may feel low after talking to your doctor but honestly it is such a positive step. Well done

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Butterfly (02-03-21)

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## Suzi

Sweetheart what you've done is huge. You've been to see someone you don't know well and you've told them all this negative stuff about how you see yourself and how you are feeling... It's going to knock you as you've finally been able to acknowledge what isn't right and that is so difficult to do.

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Butterfly (02-03-21)

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## Butterfly

Thank you xx
It's just that I feel like I have no idea why to keep going. All I held onto is out of my life and I'm just living for my family because I can't bear the thought of leaving them heartbroken. All I found pleasure in is gone, causes so much sadness and unwanted thoughts and I feel like I'm going mad. How am I ever supposed to get at least some small joy back in my life if something as little as a favourite band causes the opposite?

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## Arty

Life will get better. It may take a while to find the right therapist and or medication combination. In the meantime, keep talking on here and be kind to yourself. Many of us know how hard it is to feel so awful, take things one day at a time x

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Butterfly (03-03-21),Paula (02-03-21)

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## Suzi

Arty is totally right. It will take time lovely, you have to be kind to you and allow you to heal...

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Butterfly (03-03-21)

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## Butterfly

Thank you all  :Panda: 
It's easiee to take one day at a time, sometimes it just feels like such a huge mountain to climb. Like something holds me back to get access to this happiness.
On a positive note, I'll be watching a nice tv show this evening as a nice treat xx

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Flo (04-03-21)

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## Suzi

It can feel like a mountain, but every step you take is a step forward. You need to remember that this is a journey, not a sprint...

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Butterfly (04-03-21),Flo (04-03-21)

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## Strugglingmum

The mountain may feel huge but you will make it. At the moment its huge dark and scary but I promise you it does get brighter and there are some lovely beauty spots along the way.

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Butterfly (04-03-21),Flo (04-03-21),Suzi (04-03-21)

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## Flo

You don't have to climb it all in one day....you can stop and rest any time you like on the way. Just enjoy today, you can plan tomorrow when you wake up in the morning. Enjoy your tv program. What is it about?

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Butterfly (04-03-21),Suzi (04-03-21)

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## Suzi

How are you today?

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Butterfly (04-03-21)

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## Butterfly

Yeah taking small steps is for the better for certain... it just feel like every step is too much. Sometimes it's so hard to even get up and ready for a new day. It feels almost impossible to even enjoy something during the day because it all seems so dark..

I watched a baking show yesterday, it's similar to the British Bake-Off xx

I'm not doing too well today, sadly. Had a long day and didn't managed a walk or so either xx

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## Suzi

You can do this. What about going for a walk this evening? See if your Mum wants to go with you?

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## Butterfly

Didn't managed to go out for a walk. Felt too low to do that. Today's one of these days where my mind can't come to a rest, it's constantly circling around so many unwanted thoughts. I feel terrible and just want this to end. I feel like I can't take this much longer.. even if seeing a Therapist

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## Suzi

The thing is, it's day likes this that you have to push even harder to do the things that could be positive for you. Maybe try to spend some time with your Mum?

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## Butterfly

It's just so hard, my mind doesn't come to rest and even if I try to distract myself with a walk or a nice movie or something like baking etc. I can't even finish it or pay attention because my head is so full of unwanted thoughts. It hurts to know that my mum doesn't even know what to do and sometimes I just act as if I'm okay to make her happier because I don't want to upset her

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## Paula

Theres a website https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/ge.../time-talk-day that gives hints and guidance for people who have a loved one with MH issues. Perhaps your mum would like to take a look?

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Butterfly (06-03-21)

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## Flo

I agree with Paula...have a look at the website, it's very good and it will give her an understanding of what's going on.

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Butterfly (06-03-21)

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## Suzi

To be honest someone who has no experience of MH illness will understand, but given the chance they can empathise...

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Butterfly (06-03-21)

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## Butterfly

I can definitely show her or tell her about it. The thing is.. I think she understands and wants to help but she says it can be so unpredictable and sometimes thw thoughts I have seem to be so overwhelming that she's got no idea how to make them ease. I just hate to feel like this, like I can't breathe freely. 
My mind is on constant battles with feeling like I'll nevee be happy again if I don't follow what others did. It's such nonsense and deep down I know it but my brain can't stop. It's like it's cursed and like an addiction to copy my idols as a purpose to feel better - because if I don't, I'll be unable to ever enjoy them again, as they did better and are obviously happier due to what they've managed to do.
My brain is a messy place these days

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## Suzi

Can you talk to her about things that help bring you back to the present - things like the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 exercise or some breathing exercises etc? Maybe you could put together a pack with some different things in there to try? 
How are you seeing what these celebrities are up to? Is it obsessively checking on social media? Could you try unfollowing them all and giving yourself a bit of a detox? Or only allowing yourself 10 mins to see what they are doing?

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Butterfly (06-03-21)

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## Butterfly

Yeah I've told her about the breathing exercises. They've really helped me to calm down and relax, it's calming to listen to stuff like this too. That sounds like a good idea, so ylu mean like a 'feel good' pack? xx
I wouldn't say it's obsessively checking, it's rather my mind trying to tell me that they're happier and have done better at many things. A detox sounds good and I'm attempting to come off them a bit, but the thoughts are still there and it just eats me up because it feels so unnecessary.

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## Suzi

Yeah something like that idea... One of our members in the past has put together a crisis box with:
 something in it to listen to - she used audio books as she found them calming, 
something to taste - some special chocolate 
something to touch - a special scarf or piece of material
something to do - some mandala colouring
A list of emergency contact numbers too. 

It might be something to think about?

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Butterfly (07-03-21)

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## Butterfly

That sounds great. I remember the method of naming 5 things I can see etc. and that also is a great way of calming down. 
I've tried things like colouring or audio books (Meditation) before too and it's definitely relaxing. The thoughts just don't go away, they're always in the back of my mind and just wait to attack agsin. I really really want this to stop, I can't think straight anymore. I just want something to make it stop

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## Suzi

Another technique which can help is that you tell yourself to stop when you think those thoughts. Even if you have to say it out loud....

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## Butterfly

I'm definitely doing my best to do do, it's just so hard to stop my own mind from having so much thoughts. So much unnecessary thoughts on top of that... It's just getting too much. I feel so so hopeless that this will ever stop again and that there'll ever be a free mind again..

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## Paula

It will stop and you will be free of these thoughts. I hate that you are waiting on therapy, but hold on in there, love, and keep talking - to us, to your mum, to any support lines you can access....

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## Suzi

Paula's completely right lovely...

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## Butterfly

I know... it's just so scary. I do have an appointment with my doctor again at the start of next month to see how things are going. It's just so hard to talk when I know deep down thst my thoughts are unnecessary and that I would feel better if I just stop having thesw thoughts. But they don't disappear, they're bothering me every second of the day. 
I had a rubbish night of sleep, barely actually got sleep at all and am so tired today.. I don't want this anymore, really not..

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## Suzi

If it's affecting you that much love, can you chase up the therapy appointment and make one closer to now? What about going back and explaining this to your Dr?

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## Butterfly

That sounds like a plan. I've been speaking to my mum too and she said I might should search a new therapist who's able to have appointments closer together and for which we doesn't need to pay ourselves (I don't know the System in UK but in Germany you either pay yourself or your insurance (?) pays it. Hard to explain.) so I'll look into things as soon as possible. 
Had a particular hard day today, my thoughts been playing mad and they're not coming to rest. Seems like there's no escape anymore... my brain is like, either I have to copy my idols to be satisfied or I have to forget what made me happy. Then there's so much jealousy and hate I feel... wondering why I can't start caring less and do what I just WANT. I feel like everything around me is just passing by; school, shows, days, amd regardless of what I do, it doesn't stop and gets worse. 
Only positive thing: I'll have one of my favourite meals today x

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## Suzi

Definitely listen to your Mum and try some other options who could help sooner. 
Can you try telling yourself to stop these thoughts? 
What is your favourite meal?

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## Butterfly

I mean I can try but they still don't stop. It's like an obsessive addiction though I'm by no means a Stalker or something. It's just annoying and I WANT it to stop and enjoy stuff I liked but I can't because there's no many obsessive thoughts. 

My favourite meal is wraps  :(rofl):  with loads of vegetables

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## Suzi

Yummy!

Keep trying love, it gets easier the more you do it...

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## Paula

What have you been doing today? Any plans?

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## Butterfly

I really am trying, it's just so difficult..
I've been doing school/college stuff today, will have a meal now and then take a nice bath xx

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## Suzi

I know it's hard love, I don't mean to make it sound like it's easy.... 
Hope you have a lovely meal and bath x

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Butterfly (10-03-21)

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## Butterfly

It's definitely not easy... I did enjoy the meal and the bath but cried afterwards and had such a rubbish evening overall. I really feel like I'm just sinking deeper into the misery each day until there's no way out anymore

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## Paula

Whats happening with therapy?

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## Suzi

Sweetheart I really think you should think about going back to the Dr and telling them how much worse you are feeling.... And chase up the therapy.

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## Butterfly

Next appointment would be next month.. that's not too far away but still feels so long. Maybe I should speak to my doctor again and tell him how things are developing...

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## Suzi

I think keeping a good relationship with your Dr is a really good idea. At least then they know how things really are.

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Butterfly (11-03-21)

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## Paula

Definitely talk to your doctor. Things definitely seem to be worse than when you last saw them....

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Butterfly (11-03-21)

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## Flo

I agree with suzi, try and get to see your doctor and tell him how you're feeling, he's there to help and support you.

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Butterfly (11-03-21)

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## Butterfly

I will speak to him, definitely. It's not easy but it's even worse to go on like this. Every day feels like torture and like there's no purpose to go on... time for a good movie today and some relaxing to hopefully ease my mind a bit

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## Suzi

Will you call tomorrow to see if you can book an appointment?

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## Butterfly

Called my doctor earlier and asked him if we could do my appointment sooner, explained him a bit of the situation. He said the soonest he's available is Monday in two weeks (22nd I mean) and that for now he'd recommend going for walks, listening to calming things and definitely contracting a new therapist who might has appointments closer together xx He was very lovely about all xx Next step is contracting the therapist he recommened xx

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## Suzi

I thought you had contacted the therapist he recommended? Definitely do it as soon as you can lovely. Well done for calling the Dr and being open and honest with them.

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## Butterfly

Ah no, I didn't do that yet. He had recommend him to me at thw previous appointment and I planned to contact him but didn't managed it yet. I had written to a different therapist several weeks ago but he never answered. So this new recommend therapist is the one I'll contact next, hoping for the best.
It's just never easy to make that call even when having some notes.. but I just set it as my goal now

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## Paula

Thats a good plan, love, youre trying to do this with absolutely no help atm, which will be contributing to the downward spiral....

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Butterfly (18-03-21)

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## Suzi

Definitely try to get that call made asap lovely.

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Butterfly (18-03-21)

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## Butterfly

I made the call. Good news first: the appointment is quite soon, at the start of April. So roughly two more weeks and she said it'll be possible to have them as close together as possible, if not in person then by video call or phone call if I don't want videos. 
Bad news: I'm feeling rubbish mentally. The past few days, despite contacting the Therapist, have been a huge struggle. I know it's a huge step and a good one too but I just feel so overwhelmed, it only get worse and worse and every inch of happiness is fading. Every time I think I'm over something, ut just comes back even worse because my mind can't rest for one second. So much thoughts and so much stuff going on in my head, I keep telling myself it's all not worth to think about but my mind doesn't let me stop

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## Paula

Well done for getting that sorted. Its not surprising, though, that youre finding things a struggle - its a difficult decision to make in making plans to open up your head to a stranger. But, this is a good thing, a necessary thing, and Im proud of you for making that call!

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Butterfly (18-03-21)

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## Suzi

Well done on making that call! That's great that you've done that and sorted your appointment. 

Why haven't you been posting if you have been feeling so bad lovely?

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Butterfly (18-03-21)

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## Butterfly

Yeah it wasn't easy but I'm just glad it's done now and out of my head for a bit. I'm not a big fan of making phone calls when it's not with family or friends. 
I was too low for posting anything if I'm honest. I try to come off my phone a bit to stop myself having bad thoughts and the need of copying etc. but it didn't work out and I feel as if I'm making everything worse each day. I just don't want to go on anymore... if it doesn't stop, then there's no point in fighting anymore. This is no life anymore, it's just torture

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## Suzi

This will end and you will be able to be happy again, you have to remember than you didn't get this poorly overnight, so it's not going to get better overnight either. I don't understand why your Dr is just telling you to get therapy if you are telling them how bad things really are. Are you sleeping? Eating? Drinking? Still going for walks?

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## OldMike

Things will get better, as Suzi said it doesn't happen overnight and can be a long process but you will get there.

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## Paula

Does your doctor know youre having thoughts of not wanting to be here? Truthfully??

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## Butterfly

I'm sleeping okay. Sleeping is the only thing that brings some peace at the moment. I also go for walks every now and then... 
My doctor knows about the thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore, I've told him at the first appointment. He said it's a common "side effect" but I should try and find something to hold onto so it keeps me going through the day. He said I also should tell the therapist about that immediately.

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## Suzi

He's right, it is important to tell the therapist you go to.... 
Can you try to get out for a walk every day? Or do an exercise class online at home? Something similar to that?

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## Butterfly

I will tell the therapist for certain.. it's not easy to speak about but it's for the better. 
I always go for long walks on weekends too, during school/work days it's small walks every now and then, though not daily. As for exercising, I do a lot of breathing exercises with listening to calming things; specifically in the afternoon

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## Suzi

Don't forget you can always write a bullet list? 
Those are great thing to do to help yourself. What about trying something like mindfulness or meditation?

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Butterfly (20-03-21)

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## Butterfly

Definitely am keeping my bullet list close by for the appointments. About mindfulness and medication, I also am trying that out. I think it does help in a way to get more calm. Doesn't take away the bad thoughts but definitely helps. 
The bad thoughts however are so overwhelming again today. Will be going for a walk later on and taking a bath too but it's just getting too much and I want it to stop..

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## Suzi

Can you tell yourself to stop the thoughts, and to make yourself focus on something different?

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Butterfly (21-03-21)

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## Paula

How often are you trying mindfulness? Only if its not regular, ie daily, you dont get the full benefits of retraining your brain to push the bad thoughts to one side...

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Butterfly (21-03-21)

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## Suzi

It does work much better if it's something you practise regularly - at least daily....

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Butterfly (21-03-21)

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## Butterfly

@Suzi: It's very hard to stop myself having these thoughts. It's a bit like an addiction, even if that sounds bad. I do try and keep my mind busy with other things, like tv or cooking, but in the end it always comes back to the usual subjects and I feel as if my mind will never let go of them.

I must admit, I'm not doing the mindfulness daily. I know it's better to do it daily, I'm trying, sometimes I'm just so demotivated to do anything. Will be doing my best to do it daily now and not just every 2 days or so. The bad thoughts get a bit overwhelming again after they were okay during Friday and Saturday too.

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## Suzi

Hunni, I know it's hard to stop. But the more you can force yourself to stop and change your thoughts then the easier it becomes. It's incredibly tough and won't change overnight, but I promise you it's worth doing.... 
It's even more important when things are becoming overwhelming...

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Butterfly (24-03-21)

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## Paula

Believe me, I get how hard it is to dampen those thoughts down but mental training in the form of mindfulness, and other things, do make a difference. But only you can do that training. And your motivation has to be that you want to get better.....

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Butterfly (24-03-21),Suzi (21-03-21)

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## Butterfly

It's a huge struggle as I always feel like needing to think until finding a solution or answer so I keep thinking and thinking and it usually ends bad. I'm trying my best to do mindfulness etc. daily. Repeating affirmations. Going for walks... it's such a long way to go and I wish I'd be certain that it all will stop one day.

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## Suzi

Sweetheart you are doing all the right things by using things like mindfulness, going for a walk, affirmations etc You are doing brilliantly. The more you keep on doing these things the more it'll help...

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Butterfly (26-03-21)

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## Arty

Hi, there is an app. called Woebot that you may find useful, it is CBT based. Maybe give it a go if you can access it? x

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Butterfly (26-03-21)

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## Butterfly

That sounds like it's worth a try, I'll definitely look into it xx Thank you  :Panda: 
By now I'm willing to try just everything to get over feeling like this. It's terrible and I want it to stop... my mind can't stop circling around and it's making me go mad

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## Suzi

You're not "mad" lovely, you're "poorly" and you need to have help, love and support to get better. You're trying to do the right things - have you eaten? Had a dink? What about going for  a walk?

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Butterfly (26-03-21)

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## Butterfly

I haven't eaten yet but I'll have lunch/dinner later on. I did drink enough though and have had a small walk earlier - only to the post office but it was lovely because it's good weather today xx

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## Paula

Why didnt you eat this morning? Is that normal?

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Butterfly (29-03-21)

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## Suzi

I too was wondering if it's normal for you to only eat once a day?

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Butterfly (29-03-21)

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## Butterfly

I usually don't have breakfast because I don't feel hungry. Normally I eat around 1pm though or earlier. Today I just didn't feel hungry at all, all day. I often feel a bit sick when my mental health goes wild. My mum and I made toasties earlier though, yummy  :(inlove):

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## Suzi

Yum for toasties! So delicious, but so underrated! 

Hunni could you try eating in the morning even if it's just a piece of fruit or something? The same at lunch?

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Butterfly (29-03-21)

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## Paula

Hun, just as with physical illness, mental illness uses a lot of your bodys resources, so its really important to have regular meals - especially breakfast as youll likely have not eaten for 12 hours.....

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Butterfly (29-03-21)

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## Butterfly

I know, it's not easy to have breakfast when not feeling hungry at all... but I'll try. I just am unmotivated for anything because I feel like unless I'll manage to solve all that's been going on in my mind, then I'll never be happy at all..

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## Suzi

You won't solve it all at once lovely, you're only going to be able to chip away at it bit by bit lovely... You have to remember that this might take you longer than a quick fix....

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Butterfly (29-03-21)

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## Arty

I agree with Paula. Your brain won’t be able to function properly if it doesn’t have fuel first thing in the day. My psychiatrist recommended a protein element to breakfast, such as an egg. Even if you don’t feel hungry/ have very little time, try having something you can eat on the go like a protein bar. Hope this helps x

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Butterfly (29-03-21),Suzi (27-03-21)

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## Butterfly

I will try and have some breakfast in the morning. It's holidays starting on Thursday so this will be good too to start getting used to eating something small in the morning too xx

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Paula (28-03-21)

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## Suzi

Well done lovely! How was your weekend? 

Have you had breakfast?

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Butterfly (29-03-21)

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## Butterfly

My weekend was quite good actually. We're having some amazing weather and I've done my affirmations too. I did have breakfast today too, only some fruits but better than nothing I guess xx
I'm not feeling too well mentally sadly, it's always after feeling better for some days that it hits me and I feel back to very upset again.

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## Paula

Well done for having breakfast! Fruit is fine, my breakfast is only ever fruit and natural yoghurt.

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## Butterfly

That sounds like a great Breakfast too, Paula  :(nod): 
Feeling really low again today sadly

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## Suzi

I had blueberry soya yoghurt  :O:  

Well done for having breakfast. Have you been able to get out for a walk or other form of exercise? What's the weather like where you are?

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## Arty

Hi, well done for breakfast  :(nod):  Just to reassure you, it is normal (sadly) for recovery to be a bit up and down. Sometimes it can be that you have done a little too much. You're doing really well, keep checking in with us x

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Suzi (29-03-21)

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## Butterfly

Good afternoon, I'm sorry for being so quiet the past few days. I've had some rough times. I'm having holidays now but been thinking about stuff far too much, too much overthinking and many bad thoughts sadly. I'm feeling like I'm loosing my mind and like my own mind is playing tricks with me and making me believe in things that aren't true. Therapist appointment isn't until next week though..

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## Paula

:Panda: . No need to apologise, love. We get it (Im well known for going quiet when Im struggling). But I will say, those are the times when we need our support structure the most (and one day Im going to take my own suggestions on board.....). Can you be kind to you today? Maybe a walk or a pamper day? Nothing too strenuous but just something to distract your mind from itself?

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Butterfly (04-04-21)

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## Suzi

Sorry you've been struggling lovely... Do you want to talk about the thoughts you've been having? 
Are you keeping a note of how you are each day to take with you to your therapist's appointment?

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Butterfly (04-04-21)

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## Butterfly

I've been going for a lot of walks the past few days, thanks to the good weather. It's hard to distract my mind because it's hanging onto several subjects that make me go mad because I feel as if I'm not even remembering certain things anymore... 
I'm writing down my feelings so I can take that list along (the mood diary).. that definitely seems a good plan. 
It's just... unnecessary thoughts. Mainly comparing myself to others on several aspects and feeling unable to keep going when I can't be like them. So nonsense but my mind forces me to do it

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## Arty

Distraction is good but pacing/resting is also important. Over time, you will be able to listen to your body more. 
Would you say it is anxiety or depression or both that you are suffering with? X

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Butterfly (07-04-21)

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## Suzi

Sweetheart what things are you comparing? Who to?

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## Butterfly

@Arty: I'd say it's more depression but there can be some signs of anxiety as well. It's not something like social anxiety though, more like the anxiety of not being good enough or like others xx There also have been some signs of OCD but I've never officially been diagnosed with anything so far xx

@Suzi: It's like comparing myself to idols I have.. I know social media and the celeb world isn't always what it seems and that I've mentioned it before. It's just like.. that I know how much they've archived and what they've done etc. and I want that too, even with knowing that their life had some ups and downs too and isn't perfect either, especially not as "perfect" as ut seems portrayed online.
It's just like.. I feel like they've done so many great, brave, cool things and there's me who'll never even come close to that, who'll never do things as good/brsve/etc. as they've done and therefore I'll never reach their happiness.

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## Suzi

Who are the celebrities you idolise love? I don't think we've talked about who they are and what aspects of their lives you are lusting after?

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## Butterfly

They're in a band called Steps. 
At the beginning I just really liked their music etc. but then I found myself getting hugely jealous of the way They're living and the things They're doing, like being on tour, doing music videos etc. 
I know that's not everything and that their lives aren't perfect either and that not all of this celeb life is fun and freedom. It's just.. I so desperately want to be like them, have a life like they do and archive what they've done whether that's career-wise or personal archivements etc. 
I always feel like, if I don't manage to archive certain things that they've managed, I'd be unhappy forever because I wasn't equally strong or brave.

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## Paula

If theyre the Steps I know, I love them! But, what they achieved over the years apparently took its toll on the mental health for at least two of them.

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Butterfly (07-04-21)

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## Butterfly

I guess we're talking about the same - band from UK, just published their new album, etc.  :(nod):  I know that some of them have had past issues and definitely know that just because of being rich, famous etc. it doesn't automatically mean they're happy and don't suffer either. It's like... I'd switch with them in a heartbeart (no pun here), even if I know that they've had struggles too. I guess because of my own past issues, I just started comparing myself to others and wanting to be like others so desperately because of the deep rooted dislike I've formed towards myself. And seeing what others have done - whether career-wise or personal stuff - just makes me wanting to do and have all the same, otherwise my mind tortures me even more..

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## Arty

Hi Butterfly, I have reread your introductory comments. So you are working part time and studying too? It sounds like you don't want to be doing your current job. Why are you doing it/could you change path? It is so sad to hear that someone with all their life ahead of them is stuck doing something they loathe. Sometimes, we try to please others which means we are not being authentic to ourselves. This can make you ill. I speak from experience.x

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Butterfly (07-04-21)

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## Suzi

I know Steps! They are awesome... But sometimes when we're looking in, even the struggles look easier than our own. There's nothing wrong with aspirations and dreams love. The problem is when they become something to beat yourself up about. 

There's no reason you can't have an amazing career doing what you love. Success doesn't only come in fame.......

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Butterfly (07-04-21)

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## Butterfly

@Arty: I'm training to be a legal assistant. It's definitely far from what I want to do and I think that being "stuck" in an Environment I don't want to be part of, contributes to feeling this way too. I'm just a bit scared that if I'd quit, I could end up too depending on others and I don't want to feel like a burden. I definitely want to change my path... it's just like I'm someone who needs to plan everything in Detail even years im advance and that makes decisions very hard xx

@Suzi: Agree, they're fantastic! I think the way my mind forces me to copy my idols or aspire to be exactly like them makes it all very hard. I admire them for stuff they've done but yet I feel like if I don't manage to do the same things, it'll automatically mean unhappiness. It doesn't necessarily needs to mean fame, it could also just mean personal things they've archived; like going to some stuff and being stronger than I'd probabaly ever be. I compare myself A LOT to others and automatically see myself as less worth and less good if I don't archive the same things that others did, especially when it's something brave. It tortures me.

----------


## Suzi

But if it's not fame that you're wanting, then why do you think you aren't as strong as they are? Hunni, you're fighting the thoughts in your head every day - that's pretty hard core if you ask me...

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## Butterfly

Well I'd love to go into performing but I'm not sure if I'd end up being unhappy forever if I don't manage it. Sad, yes. But not unhappy forever, maybe just having regrets. I think it's more stuff they've done that isn't about their career. But I'm scared to talk about it because it's quite weird and Personal... I've told my mum and she understood it somewhat but also said it's nothing I need to compare myself to others. 
Thank you, Suzi xx I agree that everyone who's fighting with mental health issues is a warrior xx

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## Paula

So do you see yourself as a warrior?

Whens your appointment?

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Butterfly (08-04-21)

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## Suzi

I don't know what you're referring to, so can't be specific. But... You will get through this lovely...

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Butterfly (08-04-21)

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## Arty

Thanks for replying to my comment Butterfly. Your therapist should go through everything with you, including your deepest feelings and need to compare yourself to others. The latter is very common, especially when one is feeling low. I guess it is easy for me as a 46 year old person to advise you. I have been through at least 5 years of therapy and I can honestly say it is the best thing to talk through things, without wondering if you are going to upset anyone. In the meantime, just keep talking to us. We have a wealth of experience and will never judge you. Releasing how your feeling really will help x

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Butterfly (08-04-21),Suzi (07-04-21)

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## Butterfly

I don't know if I see myself as a warrior... I feel like others have it far worse and like I'm not really meant to be seen as strong. 
I think all that comparing myself to others in terms of what others managed and I didn't just makes me have such a deep dislike for myself. I look up to others and hate it at the same time that I'm not like them. It's not easy to talk about things that even sound strange to me and I don't like all these thoughts, they're so uncomfortable.. 

The appointment is tomorrow xx

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## Paula

> I agree that everyone who's fighting with mental health issues is a warrior xx


You said it yourself - EVERYONE. So if you agree thats the case, then you have to agree youre a warrior.

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## Suzi

It's not easy to talk about, but it's really important to love...

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## Arty

Hope your appointment goes well Butterfly x

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Butterfly (09-04-21)

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## Suzi

Please let us know how it goes lovely....

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## Butterfly

Okay so I've had the appointment today. I was really nervous but I had my list etc. so that was a bit more calming. We've spoken about some start things at first, like what I do at the moment, how lockdown has impacted me, what my hobbies/interests are etc. so we'd "get to know each other"
We then spoke about the issues (I showed the list too) and about when they started, what I think about them and how they might have been caused. Now we'll start working through them all (like a piece of paperwork), step by step, to they'll go away and won't bother me as much as they do now. That was it for today xx

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Arty (09-04-21)

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## Strugglingmum

That all sounds very positive.  You may feel a bit washed out after all that talking. Be very kind to you. X

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Butterfly (09-04-21)

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## Suzi

That sounds like an awesome session! I'm proud of you for going and for talking through things. 

Please make sure you are kind to you over the weekend, therapy is exhausting.

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Butterfly (09-04-21)

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## Butterfly

Thank you xx It was good to let it all out to a professional. I'm definitely feeling drained and having a lot of bad, "paranoid" thoughts right now so I'll try to go to sleep and switch them off xx

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## Paula

How are you doing? Please be kind to you today....

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## Suzi

Are you planning a really easy weekend?

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## Butterfly

I'm not doing too good. Had a few weird dreams and having a lot of struggles and intrusive thoughts. Weather isn't good either but I'll look if I can manage to go for a walk and other than that I'll probabaly just write a bit on my book and will watch tv. Will be making dinner with my mum today xx

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## Paula

Whats your book about?

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## Suzi

You're writing a book? I don't think I picked up on that one before... 
Do you not eat dinner with your Mum very often? 

Have you thought any more about looking around at amateur dramatics groups/choirs etc ready for when lockdowns are lifted?

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Butterfly (10-04-21)

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## Butterfly

Yes I'm writing a book - it's about an author rescuing a former dancer from the streets and helping her getting her life back. Sort of a romance novel xx
@Suzi: I always have dinner with my mum but we don't cook together every day (I can't cook well) but we do it once or twice a week xx
Yes I've looked around and saw that a theatre at the town/city I live in, offers it. However they're currently closed due to lockdown so calling them didn't work out sadly.

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## Suzi

Can you email them maybe? 

Cooking more often makes you a better cook - if it's something you enjoy? 
The book sounds fab!  :):

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Butterfly (11-04-21)

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## Butterfly

I could try. I haven't seen an email adress yet but I look out for it xx
I'm actually not a huge fan of cooking though I can make some easy meals like spaghetti etc. xx 
And thank you, that's very lovely xx
Dreading a bit to go back to a "normal" schedule tomorrow, with my mind being so busy with thoughts constantly I always feel much more stressed during normal days when there's no holidays.

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## Suzi

Sorry you're dreading going back to work lovely. You seem so unhappy at work...

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## Butterfly

I am. Some "good" news. I contacted my therapist yesterday after work because I was feeling so low, and talked a bit about stuff that's been going on. I was told to look into something new (work-wise) and definitely try amateur dramatics as soon as theatres will open again. This work/job isn't for me and the environment makes it worse. Having a lot of worries and doubts today and am so uncertain if I ever will actually have the future I aspire. I'm scared to mess up and ruin things, like I'm always on the run and about to make the wrong move.

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## Suzi

You may be scared of the future, but that's OK. We all worry if the next step we take is the "right" one for us... However, there is nothing stopping you from applying for anything you think you like the sound of. Just because you may be offered a job it doesn't mean you have to take it!

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Arty (14-04-21),Butterfly (14-04-21)

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## Paula

It sounds to me that your work is making everything harder. If thats the case, looking at other options can only be a positive

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Arty (14-04-21),Butterfly (14-04-21)

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## Arty

Well done, you are taking a good step in acknowledging that something has to change. Take your time to think about other options and most importantly, try to be kind to yourself. You are allowed to try things and make mistakes. All of us on here are learning more about ourselves and life everyday. It sounds like your therapist is being very supportive too which is great x

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Butterfly (14-04-21),Paula (14-04-21),Suzi (14-04-21)

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## Butterfly

Thank you everyone xx 
It's actually more like being afraid of making a mistake that will "ruin" the future or will have an impact, meaning I'll never be happy again and will live with thousands of regrets. I think work indeed makes it a bit harder because it always pulls me down even more.
Sometimes it's just so hard to get through the day

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## Suzi

Sometimes it's better to jump into something different then live with a job you hate!

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Butterfly (15-04-21)

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## Paula

Oh hunni, we all make mistakes - Ive made some huge, life changing ones in the past, and Im sure Ill make more in the future. What shows our mettle, is how we deal with those mistakes going forward, and I have no doubt you can manage anything thats in your path

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Arty (14-04-21),Butterfly (15-04-21)

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## Butterfly

Thanks everyone xx
It's so hard to accept sometimes and I'm just someone who feels the need to plan everything out even years before. It's nerve-wracking and not good, but somehow I feel the need to overthink and plan everything instead of just allowing myself to see what happens

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## Suzi

Have you had a look around for any other job vacancies?

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## Butterfly

I did. There are some offers and some of them sounds good - well, better than the current one for certain. Will be having a closer look on them this weekend now. 
Been feeling okay today. A bit sick (from being so unsettled I think) so will be having a quiet afternoon with watching some tv and treating myself nicely xx

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## Suzi

OO what kind of things are you looking at an applying for?

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## Butterfly

The same kind of job I'm currently training for, just at a different place. The thing is... I'd like do get this done first (it's done next year) so I have some sort of backup of whatever I aspire doing won't work out. I never aspired to work in an office and I likely will never want to actually work there... but a backup in form of a completed Training is better I feel. 
As said before, I'm a massive worrier. I never see the good in something, only the bad. If I want something or do something, my mind automatically thinks of the worst scenarios until I end up giving up my goals and dreams. It's as if my mind purposely forces me to hate everything, think of the worst and constantly conpare myself so everything I like ends up being what makes me sad

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## Arty

Hi Butterfly,
Google CBT negative thought patterns and I am sure you will recognise these. It isn’t easy to retrain your brain but it can be done, with help from therapy of course. You may find keeping a journal is useful. Write down the thoughts you are having, where possible, and then you can go through them with your therapist.x

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Butterfly (18-04-21)

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## Suzi

Arty is right, it is retrainable, and writing things down might help - either as a journal, but also as a mood tracker can help so you can see how things are at an easy glance. 

When is your next therapy session?

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Butterfly (18-04-21)

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## Butterfly

@Arty: I definitely can relate to almost all of them! I'll speak to my therapist about that as well xx I'm already keeping a mood diary where I write my emotions down, usually in the evening when I've gone through literally every emotion. It's definitely helpful because I take it along to therapy too - thank you xx

@Suzi: It definitely does. The mood diary is a good way of knowing how I felt since the latest appointment etc. xx Next session is the end of the month, the 30th to be exact. It's always good to have them on Fridays so I can calm down over the weekend xx

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## Suzi

Can I ask why the appointments are so far apart?

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## Butterfly

I'm not sure if I'm honest. I was told that it's the earliest next possible appointment. To be fair, all therapists I've been to before usually had their appointments in a span of 2-4 weeks too.. it's a bit unfortunate but 2 weeks is definitely better than waiting 4 xx

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## Suzi

It is, shame you can't have a weekly session though...

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## Butterfly

It definitely is. Weekly sessions would be so much more useful, especially as I feel like I'm really struggling again today.

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## Suzi

I'm sorry you're struggling. Are you able to get out for a walk or take some photos? Have a nice lunch? Plan something nice to do this evening?

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Butterfly (19-04-21)

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## Butterfly

Yeah I had a nice lunch and also went for a small walk earlier. Not long but a small walk at least. I feel as if the past week was "Okay" actually - at least compared to how I've been feeling the weeks before. However Saturday night I had a weird dream and then it all came crashing down again to stuff I thought I'm over and that's been bothering me now and I can't let go... I wish I could stop this overthinking and comparing stuff but my mind sadly doesn't leave me alone ._.

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## Suzi

Well done for doing little things to be good and positive for you. Okay is good. This isn't going to be a straight forward recovery, some days are going to be better than others - but that's the same whether you have a diagnosed mental health condition or not.

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Butterfly (21-04-21)

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## Butterfly

That's true.. I just feel so hopeless. I just want this to stop and although I know that therapy and stuff does help, I just haben this horrible feeling that it'll never get better. I think back to happier times but I know that even travelling back to these times wouldn't help as long as there are so many bad thoughts in my head.

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## Suzi

Gorgeous girl, I promise you that you will get through this by doing all the positive things you are - try joining in the fab 5 thread on a Friday too. Make yourself stop and look for the positives in your day, what there is around you etc. For example I have a baby magnolia tree in my garden and this is the first year it's flowered and it's stunningly beautiful. That makes me know that not everything is doom and gloom etc...

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Butterfly (22-04-21)

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## Butterfly

Thank you for these words xx 
It's hard to stay positive when I feel as if nothing brings happiness at all. I'll be doing my best to do the Fab 5 tomorrow though xx 
A baby magnolia tree sounds very lovely! 
I'm glad that the weather is getting better now, the sunny days are easier sometimes but I still find myself being so thoughtful.

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## Suzi

Are you practicing telling yourself to stop those thoughts and think of something different?

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## Butterfly

Yeah, I try to tell myself that I don't need to think about certain stuff because they're not relevant and I try to focus on other, happier things. But my mind doesn't allow me peace and always takes me back to certain issues, it won't let go of it unless I "solved" it.

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## Suzi

It's great you are working to try to stop yourself...

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## Butterfly

Yeah it's just so hard. My mind keeps getting back to stuff I want to stop thinking about and it's really hard to let go..
On a positive note, I'm back to doing the Fab 5  :(inlove):

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Suzi (23-04-21)

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## Suzi

So good to see you on the Fab 5s! 
I know it's hard, but the more you do it the more automatic it will become.

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Butterfly (24-04-21)

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## Butterfly

Thank you xx Yeah it's not easy but I know it's not impossible. For now I just try and focus on keeping the mood diary going, doing affirmations, mindfulness etc. and obviously speaking to the therapist. As a quote in one of my fave films (Sing) says "You know what's great about hitting rock bottom? There's only one way left to go, and that's up"  :(y):

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## Suzi

That's an awesome post! I'm so proud of you for keeping going and trying!

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Butterfly (26-04-21)

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## Butterfly

Thank you Suzi xx
I had an okay weekend overall. Went for some walks (and rollerskating) and yesterday we got takeaway dinner. Today's a bit harder with the intrusive thoughts and stuff but I'll be doing some mindfulness, affirmations etc. this afternoon again and I hope it'll help a bit xx

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## Suzi

Rollerskating? So cool! I haven't done any since I was very, very much younger and I was *slightly*... OK, totally rubbish and spent more time falling over than on my feet!  :(rofl): 

You can do it! Can you get out at lunch for a walk or something?

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Butterfly (27-04-21)

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## Butterfly

It's so much fun indeed! I love rollerskating, iceskating, swimming...  :(nod):  Bless you falling over, that's definitely not nice  :(shake): 
I went for a short walk yesterday. Am not feeling too good mentally today sadly. But I'm just holding onto the hope that it'll pass one day...

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## Suzi

Well done for going for a walk. Did you spot anything lovely? 
Sorry today isn't a great day, maybe try focussing on the little things during today and let tomorrow come...

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Butterfly (27-04-21)

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## Butterfly

Well I live close to the fields so that's always a lovely spot to walk past xx
I'm trying to focus on good things (no matter how small) but it's definitely a bit harder today. Feeling really upset right now sadly.

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## Arty

Would you like to tell us some more about how you are feeling?x

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## Suzi

What's causing you to be so sad?

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## Butterfly

I'm not sure what's the exact cause of feeling like this. It's just the general feeling of not being happy with myself and feeling like never being good enough. Like I always need to do what others have done so I'll get happier

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## Suzi

It'll not be like this forever love. You're working hard to beat this...

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Butterfly (03-05-21)

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## Butterfly

Sorry for not posting in a few days xx
I had my therapist's appointment on Friday and it went good overall. We've been talking about lots of stuff and I took the mood diary along again. We've been talking about past experiences too thaz could've contributed to feeling like that as well. We've made the next appointment in two weeks, again Friday. Until then I should definitely keep writing my mood diary, I should've write more entries of my mood differs on a day (like, if I feel good in the morning but bad in the evening I should write down when and why it could've happened, IF something happened etc.) and so on. I talked about the OCD traits I have too, which could be a part of why I feel upset too (as I feel like it controls me often) and about the need to be like others too, something We've been talking about in the last session as well. It could be from past experiences as well and we'll keep working through that so I won't feel this need anymore. 

Feeling a bit drained today and not really happy. Having a lot of bad thoughts lately and Feeling unable to switch off from that sadly xx

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## Arty

Butterfly, it sounds like you are working through things in a systematic way. I was just thinking about this and liken it to this image...your brain/thoughts are like a mass of different wools which have all become entangled together and need unpicking or tidying up. The therapy process takes time, we may not even consciously  know why we starting thinking in a particular way. Early experiences or genetic history can have a big impact on our MH so need to be understood. Well done for undertaking this journey, give yourself time to rest when you can x

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Butterfly (03-05-21)

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## Suzi

Sounds like a great therapy session, but one that's also exhausting... Can you be kind to you today? Take time and work through things 1 at a time and remember, you didn't get this poorly overnight, it'll take a while to work through it all too....

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Butterfly (03-05-21)

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## Butterfly

@Arty: That's a great way of describing it. I definitely feel like there's a lot of stuff in my head and like it's somehow tied together but still independent stuff. For example, I don't like much about myself. I'm hugely jealous of others. I want to be someone else and feel bad when I can't do what they can do. It all affects me in a different way but yet these emotions are tied together and always come back to the same issue: I don't want to be myself or, at least, be LIKE someone else. 
I'm not sure if there's genetic history in my family though I know that my grandmother does have anxiety. Thank you xx

@Suzi: I definitely always feel off after Therapy. Like... better because I got stuff of my chest but bad because I still feel low. I did have a good meal today, sadly didn't managed to go for a walk.

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## Suzi

It's hard when you are in therapy as you end up talking about things and when you start talking about them it makes them "real" itms? It's not "just" in your head anymore. Be kind to you lovely.

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Butterfly (04-05-21)

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## Butterfly

Definitely. Talking about things always makes it all feel more real and that's not easy, because I wish it would be different and that all would look happier. Therapy is a step in the right directon but it doesn't make things easier xx

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## Paula

Have you been looking after yourself today?

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Butterfly (04-05-21)

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## Butterfly

Had a good walk earlier despite some rain xx Now I'm just relaxing and listening to some music. It's the anniversary of my cats' passing so It's been a bit of a emotional day because of that as well xx

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## Suzi

Sorry about your cat lovely. Anniversaries are always tough... 
Hope today is brighter for you.

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## Butterfly

They really are. It's been five years and I still find it tough and feel like it had made an impact on my wellbeing too, back then. 
Today's been a bit of a rubbish day too. Just feeling overwhelmed and lost. I did cry earlier too but I'm just hoping for a good weekend xx

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## Suzi

So sorry lovely....  :Panda:   :(bear):  Hopefully tomorrow will be brighter.

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Butterfly (06-05-21)

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## Paula

Big hugs, lovely

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Butterfly (06-05-21)

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## Butterfly

Thank you xx 
It's really hard today, I feel like my mind is going to collapse under all that pressure. I don't kniw anymore how to get out of this circle and whilst I have therapy, I still feel so hopeless that these thoughts will ever stop. Going through the days feeling like this is such a struggle and there seems to be no way out. I'm really feeling so so low

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## Suzi

How are you doing today? Can you build in things that are positive for you?

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## Paula

Therapys hard, love. Its going to impact your mood, unfortunately. Hold on in there, it will get better

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## Butterfly

I'm not doing good. Struggling a lot with OCD today, many thoughts on my head of trying to avoid things that will cause misery and bad scenarios. That's a big struggle today

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## Suzi

Have you done anything that is a positive thing for you today? Have you joined in the fab 5s? What about spending time with your Mum? Or watching a comedy show?

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## Butterfly

Not at all. I'll be going for a walk later though so hopefully that'll help a bit. I have done the Fab 5 though yesterday  :):  I'm not sure what to do yet (apart from the walk) but the weather looks promising so that's good news.

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Suzi (08-05-21)

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## Paula

Its pouring with rain here lol. Itd be good if you can get out and enjoy the sunshine  :):

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## Suzi

It's raining and windy here! Hope you do have something positive today. Do you like taking photos? Could you get out and take pictures of where you live etc?

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## Butterfly

I went for a walk in the sunshine today and indeed took some photos too  :(nod):  Now I'm just relaxing a bit, it's been so warm today and such a change of weather within just a few days. Been feeling okay today bjt still struggling overall xx

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## Paula

Ok is good, love. Well done for doing something positive for you today

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## Suzi

Maybe you are looking at things too much "overall" when you should be focussing on the here and now - the OK, the photos, the walk, etc...

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## Butterfly

That could be true, Suzi. I'm a massive overthinker. It's as if I can't just go with the flow as they'd say, I have to think about everything in detail until finding a satisfying solution and even then I'm still unhappy because it's not enough. I really hate myself. I wish I could be someone else instead. I don't want this anymore.

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## Suzi

But you are lovely. You are bright, kind, interesting, intelligent, you can speak English better than a lot of natives I know, you are young and have so many options for the future.... I wish you could see you like I see you.

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Butterfly (11-05-21)

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## Butterfly

That's very lovely, Suzi xx
I think it's just difficult for me to see my own worth. I've got so many self-doubts and don't see anything good in myself. I constantly am afraid to be less good than others and compare myself A LOT and am scared that my actions will lead to bad things happening, thanks to OCD. It's all just such a big struggle daily  :(sweat):

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## Paula

Could you try to believe that we believe in you?

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Butterfly (11-05-21),Strugglingmum (11-05-21)

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## Butterfly

I mean I could and I'm trying and telling myself that I'm good enough and doing what I can... but it's like my mind is preventing me from believing in that. I just don't see myself as worth of anything and like whatever I'll do - I'll never be good enough and therefore I'll never be happy either. I know it's a lie because everyone has struggles and life isn't as picture-perfect as it seems on pics, Videos or stories but I just feel like... even if this all is a lie, I rather had this life than mine.

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## Suzi

It's something we've done with lots of members. It's the can you believe that we believe that you are those things I said about you, that way you don't have to believe it yourself, just that we do. If we all believe those things about you then we can't all be wrong....... 

Have you thought about when you first started to feel this way? What was going on in your life?

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Butterfly (11-05-21)

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## Strugglingmum

Butterfly I have no magic wand, I wish I did but all I can tell you is that I have felt just as you are feeling and I couldnt believe anything good about me either. 
However, I had people here who believed good things about me and frequently reminded me of that. I worked at therapy and in learning to challenge those thoughts and eventually I started to be able to see things a bit differently.  I'm still learning,  it doesn't happen overnight but it starts to become easier. Hang in there and just know that even though you cant see any good, we do. If you cant believe in you, believe in us and what we see.  I promise you if you keep working at it you will see it too some day. X

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Butterfly (11-05-21),Paula (11-05-21),Suzi (11-05-21)

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## Butterfly

Thank you both  :Panda: 
@Suzi: I don't know when I exactly started to feel like this. I mean I always talked myself down, even in primary school. But I think it's become this bad around 1,5 or maybe just 1 year ago. I don't know the exact reason actually.. it just was out of nowhere. 

@Strugglingmum: I'm sorry that you've been feeling like this too. However I'm glad that you're getting better and I completely agree that it isn't easy but possible. Sometimes it just feels so hopeless, like I'm working towards something that will never happen anyways. I'm glad to have stuff like therapy, family and friends and also this forum. It makes the days easier. 
I just wish I had my old self back. Just happier and more carefree. By no means perfect but better xx

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## Suzi

Sweetheart you will get to a place which is brighter. Tbh I think you are already sounding brighter than you did when you first joined us..

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Butterfly (12-05-21)

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## Butterfly

Well I think that I've "overcome" some struggles of the past year. However there's been new struggles which are equallly bad. I think the last time I truly was fully happy was summer 2019. After that everything slowly started to get worse until I hid rock bottom at the end of last year. But I'm so thankful for this forum.. I don't know where I'd be without the support of you lovely people (and my family)  :(inlove):

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## Suzi

So what changed for you after that summer?

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## Butterfly

Well I took up the work I have. I think that contributed a lot to feeling that way but not solely. I'd say there have been factors before that contributed to it but it never made me feel that low. Probably it all just came together and ultimately crashed me down

----------


## Suzi

With that and a global pandemic... I'm not surprised you have been struggling. Hunni, are you still looking around for other jobs?

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Butterfly (13-05-21)

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## Butterfly

Yeah I feel like I've been on the edge for a good while but that made me fall over the edge. It's like all negative emotions came together and now I can't see anything good in my life anymore. I know it's nonsense but I so desperately want to be (like) someone else, hsve someone else's life and just not having to be who I am because there's not one inch that I like about myself, I already hate my name as hell (not the name in general. I hate it on me.) 
I've been looking for different jobs/workplaces the past few weeks but I haven't found something yet that interests me or seems sympathetic  :S:

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## Suzi

It's not nonsense at all! I think we all see other people's lives and think they must be better than ours. If you hate your name, could you change it?

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## Butterfly

That's going to sound strange because although I dislike my name, I wouldn't necessarily change it. I don't suffer from it and it's still a part of me (although not one I actually like) and I have it for like 20+ years now. My parents chose the name and it's something that will forever connect me with them. Funnily, I like the meaning of my name (which my username originates from) but I don't now... I wish I'd been given a different name when I was born. 
Agree with you that we often see people's lives and only see the good even with knowing that they're not perfect either. Our mind can be a messy place sadly

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## Suzi

Why do you not think your name suits you? I go by a shortened version of my name. I hated my full name for years - I still am only called by it for medical appointments and my family...

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## Butterfly

I don't know. It just seems so lovely on others but not on me at all. I also really dislike it when someone shortens my name (which makes it all eveb worse) even if nicknames are so cute on others actually. So it contributes to disliking stuff about myself

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## Paula

Do you have a middle name you could use instead?

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## Suzi

A friend of mine is called Georgina. As they struggled with their gender identity and didn't feel that Georgina fit them at all. So they shortened it to George. That didn't work for them either and they found another name which did fit them. They now go between each of the names depending on what scenario they are in...

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## Butterfly

That sounds good too. I don't know, I think I'll just go with whatever I feel comfortable, whether middle name or a different version of my name. I mean I used to tell people before too (when they gave me a nickname) that I don't like it at all. 
Sometimes I wish I could just be more carefree about this all. I don't just mean the name subject, I mean everything. Everything is connected to overthinking and worrying and it seems as if I can never live the life I want because there's always "What If" and that makes me too worried to even try. Which is why I wish to be someone else. Someone who has the life I'd like to have, like my idols do. Someone who doesn't worry about a bunch of unnecessary things. Just someone else

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## Suzi

Have you tried things like mindfulness? Meditation? T'ai Chi?

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## Butterfly

Yeah I do a lot of mindfulness, Meditation, Affirmations etc. xx

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## Suzi

Are you able to use those when you start overthinking/panicking etc?

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## Butterfly

I try. It's not always possible but especially when overthinking I put on some Meditation to switch off the thoughts.xx

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## Suzi

That's really good, what about using breathing or grounding exercises?

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## Butterfly

These are a bit more difficult. When I'm overthinking a lot or feeling bad, I feel like breathing becomes more difficult and like I'm breathing through a blanket. I feel like I rarely can breathe freely because there always is something that's covering me.

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## Suzi

Then that might be a good place to start...

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## Strugglingmum

I found with breathing techniques that its important to practice them when you are feeling ok. It means they are more effective and easier to use when you really need them. 
They become like second nature so that you dont need to think about doing it.
Also, if you find yourself getting a bit worked up or anxious, one big breath can really help to reset your brain. 
Take a huge breath in and just blow it out long and hard.
It's amazing how much it can help to slow down your thoughts a bit to give you a chance to capture them and hit the pause button.

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Butterfly (17-05-21),Suzi (17-05-21)

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## Butterfly

That's something my therapist said too. We had practiced breathing techniques in our first session too. I was told to put my hand on my chest and "feel" how I inhale and exhale. It's definitely a good way of calming down. It was an okay day today but I always feel scared of saying this because of fearing that things will downhill again.

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## Suzi

But that's how things can be with or without a mh condition lovely...Sometimes it's best to enjoy the good days..... Without automatically assuming it's going to all come crashing down...

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Butterfly (20-05-21)

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## Butterfly

That's true. The good days feel so good and I'm sad when these good days are "over" again. Am glad to have Friday and Monday off so I can go for long walks and enjoy the weather  :(nod):

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## Paula

Do you anticipate that youre going to wake up with a good day or a bad day?

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## Suzi

Hunni, no one has "good" days all the time.... It's something to remember...

I'm glad you've got time off to do things that are good for you....

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## Butterfly

I barely expect a day to be good or bad when I wake up, I allow the day to happen the way it'll happen but am carrying this bag of sadness around..
On a good note, I went for a walk earlier too which was quite lovely!

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## Suzi

But then if you're expecting it to be bad then it's more than likely going to be difficult... Maybe you could try getting up with a "I wonder what good things there will be today?" It sounds simple, but it isn't. But if you start off looking for the positive things then that would help you to focus on seeing all the little things that will add up to things being brighter for you? Almost like "fake it until you make it"...

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## Butterfly

That sounds like a plan although definitely difficult.. I mean it's like I'm seeing the positive things but they don't reach me at all, like I'm behind a wall. Just have to keep trying..

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## Paula

But the more you try to see them, the more visible they become....

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## Suzi

Then try keeping a diary where you try to find 3 positives a day...

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## Butterfly

Hi everyone, sorry for being so quiet for a week. I hope I didn't cause any worry. So I had my therapy session again and we worked through the issues more and more, also looking at the past and possible triggers. My therapist said that when we know the triggers, it's easier to make the worries and problems disappear because we know where they're originating from. 
The past week has been okay. I'm not feeling great though and not seeing the positives at all. Like we've got good weather and I tell myself "Oh the weather is nice, lots of sunshine and I can go for walks." but I don't feel... joy or happiness. I still am me and feel like as long as I don't feel good about being me, the positives are hard to fully accept.

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## Paula

Hi hunni. I get the lack of joy and happiness, the flatness of depression. Its a symptom that makes me feel, not me itms? But it will pass. Its a good sign that youre seeing it as an issue rather than just accepting it as life. And youre still in very early days with the therapy..... Sorry to ask again but you reconsidered medication to help while going through this difficult process?

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## Suzi

I was wondering how things were for you. Glad you've posted. 

When's your next therapy session? Am I right in thinking they seem to be really spaced out? Are you keeping mood diaries etc? 
Are you not feeling happy at anything?

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## Butterfly

I definitely get what you mean, Paula. It feels as if I'm looking at myself through a mirror and just don't feel like myself anymore. I do consider meds and definitely wouldn't rule them out. My therapist and everyone else around me just seems to see meds as 'bad' and like talking therapy should be tried first. 

@Suzi: It's a bit of an up and down at the moment. Next therapy session is mid June. You mean spaced out as if in not being able to have weekly sessions? If so, yes they're definitely a bit full and 'booked out' unfortunately. I keep daily mood diaries in a small book and took it along to all session so far yet xx
I don't kbow about the feeling happy bit... Obviously I do enjoy the good weather or a good movie, or a phone call with friends, but it's mike it doesn't 'reach' me. Like I'm not feeling anything, like I lost the feeling to be happy because the lack of joy and self-esteem has become so much and normal

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## Suzi

One a month seems a long time to wait between sessions. As if you start talking about something but then having to deal with the consequences of what you've been talking about without support...

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## Butterfly

It definitely does. It's not always just once a month, it often is twice a month but I definitely get your point. I know that no one gets better overnight but it's still quite tiring

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## Suzi

A proper counselling session is exhausting. It's really hard talking about things in your head and then trying to make them make sense and fighting your own demons...

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## Butterfly

It is. Talking is so hard and I often feel as if my thoughts and issues don't even make sense and are so unnecessary, yet I can't stop thinking about them xx

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## Paula

How has your week been, love?

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## Suzi

Did you have a good weekend hun?

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## Butterfly

My week has been okay overall. Had pretty good weather which is always a good thing  :(inlove): 
Still am feeling a bit low though, sometimes it's such an up and down of emotions

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## Suzi

What things did you do over the weekend? 
Do you have anything positive planned for this week?

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Butterfly (05-06-21)

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## Butterfly

Went for long walks last weekend, including rollerskating. Today (well, yesterday) I didn't go for a walk as it was a bit rainy and windy unfortunately. But was food shopping with my mum as we'll be baking a cake this weekend  :P:

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## Paula

Yay for roller skating! Sounds fun  :):

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## Suzi

Roller skating sounds fun! Are you baking a cake for someone's birthday or just for fun!

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## Butterfly

I loove rollerskating (or skating in general) xx 
The cake is just for fun - chocolate cake, very yummy  :(inlove):

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## Suzi

Chocolate cake always makes things better  :O:  
Sounds like you've had some positives this weekend, which is awesome!

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Butterfly (07-06-21)

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## Butterfly

It does! Chocolate cake is really yummy  :(nod): 
I did have some positives this weekend, yeah  :(nod):  but sadly after a high comes a low. Feeling quite bad again today, lots of intrusive thoughts and just so unhappy and hopeless with everything. Missing my old self a lot today. I wish I could go back in time sometimes... just feeling so unhappy right now and wishing I could just cry

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## Suzi

Can you stop the thoughts and change them into positives? Although you may not be doing x you are now doing y? Or although you thought you couldn't cook you are now baking cakes and making dinner for your Mum?

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## Butterfly

It's hard. The thoughts are so overwhelming and I feel like I need to "solve" things in order to stop them. I could try and distract myself with cooking/baking etc. or just some distraction in general but the thoughts always hit back afterwards..

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## Suzi

But the more you're able to make them stop and think something more positive the better. Of course it's hard love, I wish it wasn't, but it really is. But, you CAN do it.

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## Paula

Unfortunately, its not an either/or with negative vs positive. But each time you focus on the positives, it becomes a little bit easier. Until, eventually, you find that the positives outweigh the negatives.

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## Butterfly

It's definitely hard to find the positives... there's so much negativity in my head and I try to block it out but it's too overwhelming. Distraction is good but sadly it doesn't work forever and I find myself coming back to the negative thoughts again. Almost as if I HAVE to keep thinking

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## Suzi

But with practise it does get easier and last for longer... 
No one ever has purely positive thoughts lovely...

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## Butterfly

Yeah that could be true... it's just so difficult. My mind is constantly like a whirlwind. I miss the happy times and at the same time I know that the only person in my way is myself. All these thoughts are unnecessary and yet they're still happening. It has ruined everything and I wish the positive feelings would just last longer...

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## Suzi

:Panda:   :(bear):  You can get through this lovely, it takes work and practise.

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Butterfly (09-06-21)

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## Butterfly

Having a really bad day today. Just want to sleep all day and not see or hear anything. I feel like I'm slipping back into rock bottom and it feels terrible

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## Suzi

You aren't slipping to rock bottom lovely. Today may be tough, but you really need to fight hard and try to find at least 1 thing that's positive.... A piece of music? A drink? Something yummy to eat? A pretty flower? There IS something, it might be hard to see, but there IS something....

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Butterfly (14-06-21)

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## Butterfly

Yeah I mean there's always something but it feels so hard to feel some joy. It's like... I'm seeing things like good weather etc. but I don't feel any joy or pleasure. Just... nothing. It's like I forgot how to feel happy

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## Suzi

I can understand that you are finding it hard love, but that's even more reason to keep fighting. I do wonder if going back to your doctor might be of benefit as you've been trying other things but you are still struggling so much.

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Butterfly (15-06-21)

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## Paula

Sweetie, at what point do you admit that what youre doing is taking too long to show any real impact? While therapy is important, and Im sure its a good thing for you to be doing, please, please, please talk to your doctor, again, about medication..

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Arty (14-06-21),Butterfly (15-06-21)

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## Butterfly

I know it's not good that things aren't going as good as hoped... I will talk again about meds with him. Had a feeling last time he just views meds as "bad" and as if I'm "not ill enough" if you get me. Obviously nonsense. I admit I'm a biz scared of the meds too if I'd end up taking them, scared of side effects or possible impacts on the future but I guess it's just me being a worrier and overthinker.. so will be making an appointment asap.
Thanks for the help as usual, it's appreciated xx

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Paula (15-06-21)

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## Suzi

Any negative side effects should only last 2 weeks, but you need to take them for around 8 weeks for them to get into your system properly....

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## Butterfly

Okay that's good.. I just feel like everyone around me is completely against meds whereas I wouldn't rule it out entirely. A combination of talking and meds isn't bad... guess I have to speak to my doctor again..

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## Paula

Hunni, this is your life, your health. So, your decision.l

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## Suzi

I completely agree with Paula! Hunni, there are times when if I was told cutting off my foot would help then I'd consider it.... Seriously. This isn't about anyone else, it's about you, your health, your life and whether you want to try it or not....

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## Butterfly

Sorry for not positing in almost two weeks. I finally made an appointment with my doctor for next week. I know it's not going to be easy because I'm scared of bringing up the subject of meds but it'll be fine. The past 1-2 weeks have been a constant up and down. I feel so drained and scared of everything. I feel like having to plan my life so all will go "well" and I'm so so scared of loosing the people I love before their time. I still have so much plans and goals and I want them to see ot too but am scared of talking too much time for it... you get what I mean? I want to experience things and have a family of my own etc., but the later not until like 33 or something. I'm scared my loved ones won't get to see that because it's too late in the future but I don't want to force myself into something too young. 
I've got so much new to tell my therapist, so many new problems.

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## Flo

Hi!...you have a lot of 'thinking' going on haven't you? Good you have an appointment with your Doc, and then your therapist. One of the problems with anxiety and depression is over thinking everything and projecting the worst case scenario for the future. What about trying to live just in the day...not to look and worry about tomorrow, but getting through 'today'. I've learned that I can't control other people's lives (the ones I love...children, friends and parents)just to enjoy them and keep in touch, a day at a time. It's natural to fear the future, I think we all do at times. I'm sure you'll reach your goals and ambitions...as for having children, you're young and you'll have all of these things when the time is right. It'll probably happen when the time is right and not before. Just for today, try and enjoy it and do things that make you feel good. Put worries - that might not even happen! - out of your mind for today. Hope your weather is better than ours! Have a good day. :(hi):

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Butterfly (28-06-21),Suzi (27-06-21)

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## Suzi

Can I ask why you haven't been posting? 
Are these new worries about people not being around? 
Are these different to the other worries you've been having regarding the celebrities?

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Butterfly (28-06-21)

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## Butterfly

@Flo: Yeah I'm a huge overthinker... and that's true. Basically I'm overthinking too much and just everything and although I know that it won't lead anywhere, I still do it. Can't help it. I wish I'd already be where I want and wouldn't have these worries anymore but it's always fearing that something won't work out and it'll mean I'm unhappy forever because I can't deal with it. It's so hard to just enjoy the present moment when overthinking is happening constantly... Thank you so much for your help, these words are so appreciated xx

@Suzi: I'd try to take some time away from the phone/laptop to get my thoughts sorted.. I think the worries aren't necessarily new but reoccurring. Like they'd been put on hold for a while and are now back. I'd say they're a bit different to some other worries but still are somewhat connected. I see how others already have the life I want too and wish I could be the same but unfortunately it doesn't work out. 

Thank you all for your help xx

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## Suzi

How was your weekend? Are you doing anything nice this week?

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Butterfly (28-06-21)

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## Butterfly

The weekend was nice overall. The weather was lovely so I went for walks and went swimming as well xx Not much planned this week yet though xx

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## Paula

Im so glad you enjoyed your weekend  :):

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## Suzi

That's fabulous that you had a good weekend!

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## Butterfly

Hello, I'm sorry for not posting so long. Took a time away from the phone and laptop to clear my mind. So the good news is.. my therapist (and GP) both suggested that taking meds might be a good possibility additional to the therapy itself. We'll talk through that more and will form a plan, also to ease my worries about side effects. I know there can be minimal side effects that aren't bad but I'm still anxious. I know got given a homework of writing down a list of all the things I'd do if I wasn't mentally unwell. What I'd do if I wasn't such a worrier and overthinker and how I'd create my life then. Next therapy session is Thursday in two weeks (had my latest session yesterday).
Feeling a bit drained today though and the weather isn't great either so it sounds like it'll be a relaxed afternoon after work, phoning a friend or just relaxing to have energy for the week xx

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## Suzi

Hi lovely! I was wondering how you were doing! 
I'm so glad you have spoken to your dr and therapist about meds and that it's something you are going to work through together. 

Sounds like a lovely plan to call a friend and relaxing.

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Butterfly (14-07-21)

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## Paula

Sounds like youre getting things in place, hunni, Im so glad  :): . Youre doing brilliantly!

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Butterfly (14-07-21)

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## Butterfly

Thank you xx 
It's good to know that things might not be this bad forever, there is hope  :(nod):

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## Suzi

It really won't be....

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Butterfly (25-07-21)

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## Butterfly

Feeling really low today. Having a lot of anxious thoughts about loosing the people I love, these thoughts always come out of nowhere and then I can't get rid of them anymore. I want them to stop...

Gladly it's my next therapy Session this Thursday xx

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## Paula

How have you been since we last heard from you? Have things been any easier?

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## Butterfly

I've been okay overall. Been for some walks and swims the past few days because the weather was just great. I wouldn't say they've been necessarily easier though, sadly..

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## Suzi

Instead of easier, what about less hard?

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Butterfly (29-07-21)

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## Butterfly

Okay so I did have my Session today and it went quite well overall. My therapist said I should definitely look into switching the workplace because it seems as if it has had a massive impact on my wellbeing wirh having a boss who literally bullies me. We also talked about meds again and I now will make a new appointment with my doctor so he can prescribe me meds..  
I also was given the advice to just look into performing as a hobby, to see where it leads. They can't say more than no anyways. 
So now it's time to make an appointment with my doctor for meds. 
Next therapy Session is in roughly 3 weeks as my therapist is on vacation now xx

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## Suzi

This all sounds really positive - it's also lovely to hear that he is suggesting the same kind of things that we have suggested too  :O:

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Butterfly (25-08-21)

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## Strugglingmum

That all sounds positive.  Well done. Be kind to you and give yourself time to rest after therapy.  It can be exhausting

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Butterfly (25-08-21)

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## Butterfly

Had my latest appointment on Monday. We've talked about what I've been up to and what I can to for improvement. I also looked out for amateur acting in my hometown and actually found something, will have to call though and ask if it's possible to join and when and what a possible price is. 
My therapist also said it might be a good idea to change my job/what I train for. My therapist said that a lot of my feelings can Result from that job and my boss being quite mentally harming. I also said like I feel that my time is running out... like I'm missing on good things in life because of being in this unhappy bubble. I've got so many plans, "career" and plans for the future and yet I feel like nothing is every going to work out. 
Feeling a bit drained today... 

I will soon ask my doctor about meds though. Had a few busy weeks (despite holidays!) and being back to work now so it all has been a bit up and down recently. On a positive note - I went for a long walk today!

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## Suzi

It's been a long time since we've seen you! Well done on finding the acting! When did you find it? Why not call tomorrow? 
What things do you think you are going to change to? 
Where did you go on holiday? 
Can I ask why you haven't talked about meds already? 
Well done for going for the walk!

It's good to see you again!

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Butterfly (27-11-21)

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## Butterfly

Hi everyone, I'm so sorry for being absent the past weeks. A lot of crap has happened which didn't improve the general situation at all. Back in October, a cancerous tumor was found on my mum's kidney which resulted in the kidney getting removed. Gladly they found no evidence of disease aftee removed the kidney and she counts as healed now which is good news, although many weeks of recovery will have to follow. But for now we can see it as good news. 
Due to all of this, I barely was able to do anything apart from going to work (only to get treated like pure sh*t there). Gladly I've got just 6 months left there before my training for that job ends and I can look into better opportunities. 
I must admit, I didn't have regular meetings with my therapst because of that. I know it would've been a good idea ESPECIALLY because of all that happened the past few weeks but I just wasn't able to function correctly. I feel like I now fully reached rock bottom. If I thought I was bad earlier this year, then this is a whole new level.
Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful my mum is okay.
But I feel like I don't want to go on myself. Everything is so pointless, so why keep fighting? 
With flu season happening as well, things are even worse for me now (I've got emetophobia) so leaving the house at all is scary and I have to force myself to go for walks after school/work or to just find motivation for anything, even if it's just getting up.
Everything sucks so much and I hate it.

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## Suzi

Oh I'm sorry to hear about your Mum, but glad she's being looked after. 
You definitely need to get some help and to carry on. Sweetheart all these crap things will pass. Give yourself the chance to actually enjoy the things that come next.

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## Paula

Thats wonderful news that your mum is cancer free! However, youve been through a trauma and you need to take some time for self care, be kind to you

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