# Help and Advice > Coping with Depression >  My story/rant *maybe trigger warning*

## Chloe0500

Hi guys,
Im Chloe and im new here. So basically I just want to share/rant to someone and thought this would be a good place (i will explain). Im really sorry this is going to be long and boring to you lot but it will make me feel so much better getting it off my chest as I cannot do that normally.

So here it goes. Im in my teenage years and met my partner 3 years ago (ish) and he is from the complete opposite end of the country to me. So long story short we decided to buy a house and move in together. So I took the plunge and left all of my family and friends up north and moved over 200 miles down south. All I had was my partner and his parents who live opposite us. I get along with them brilliant and they are like second parents but it just isnt the same as having my own family.
So. I got a job down here and it is absolute hell. In the 10 months I have worked here we have lost 9 out of 11 members of staff because of how badly we are treated by our manager. So I work in childcare so we work with ratios which means 2 members of staff and a manager isnt enough for 30 odd children which basically means I am working overtime to accommodate 3 people worth of work. My work doesnt pay overtime so some weeks I am working 60 hours and still only getting paid for 40. But I cant refuse because I feel too guilty saying no. I even did them a favour one time and stayed an extra 4 hours unpaid so that they could stay open. Well, the manager I was working with forgot to lock up when we closed that night and so it was obviously reported the next day. I was called into the office and told (exact words) "I know its not your responsibility or your job to lock up but we need someone to blame so unfortunately its gonna have to be you. Im really sorry but this is worth a disciplinary" blah blah blah. So the lady who told me that ended up letting me off with it just written on my file.
This is how bad my job is. But I cant quit or find a new job because I have a mortgage to pay for and my anxiety is that bad that the thought of starting over again makes me physically sick. 
So to get me through the day I ended up taking 4 prescribed co-codamols or solpadols to numb the sadness.
I used to take my breaks and think about how easy it would be to end it all and not have to go back in.
After work I am so upset but have to put on a brave face and act like everythings fine because my partner gets extremely angry with me and wont speak to me for 24 hours or he will shout at me because "I let people bully me"
I get that I do but I physically cant stop it. Its so hard to explain but I cant say no to anyone.
So back to moving. I have no friends or family and my partner is a gamer with an addiction to his computer. So on his days off he will wake up and go straight onto his computer and stay there until around 6am the next morning. Unless hes working which he will go on after work. Ive tried speaking to him about it and he gets angry etc etc.
So I never see him and I am left to clean the house, cook his dinner, wash and iron his clothes etc. Or sit staring at my 4 walls all day/night. 
Except.... I have such an obsession/fear that he's going to masturbate that I wont let him be alone for longer than 1 minute. Obviously not when im at work because I cant control that. But I will literally sit on the floor next to his feet and not move until he comes off his computer. Even if im sat there for 12 hours+ I wont move. This means when hes off work he stays up all night and goes to bed at 6-7am which means I also stay up all night even if im working the next day and have been known to stay awake for 3 nights in a row along with working just because of this irrational fear. And i know its stupid and I try to tell myself I dont care but I just cant stop myself. 
So this makes me more down until I cry and cry until I cant cry any more.
I dont expect any of you to reply and Im really sorry if I offend anyone but I just cant keep it to myself anymore. And ive tried talking to my partner and he calls me schitzophrenic and laughs it off. I know I could leave him but something in me cant do it. I love him so much.
Thank you  :):  xx

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## Paula

Hi Hunni and welcome. Youve had an awful lot of change happening all at once and have also lost what sounds like your strongest support in your family. I know theres phones/Skype etc but, as Ive recently found out, its not the same. Please dont beat yourself up for struggling, anyone would.

Have you seen your doctor? If you havent, please make an appointment as soon as you can. As for your partner, it doesnt sound like hes really treating you the way you deserve, lovely. Respect is vital in any relationship ....

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## Suzi

Hi and welcome! 
Sweetheart why are you staying with him when he's treating you so disgustingly? Can I ask why you have an issue with him masturbating? 
Your job sounds like hell! 
Hunni, please go and see your Dr and tell them how you are feeling.. Have you told your Mum/friends oop north what things are really like? Can you try to find friends of your own down here to get out and have some fun without him?

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## Chloe0500

Hi guys and thank you so much for your support. I honestly dont know why I stay with him I really dont. I feel like I love him more than I love myself sometimes but I just dont know why! And im unsure why I have such a problem with him masturbating its just an obsession that ive slowly gotten over time. I think its because of his lying around the subject, telling me he hadnt done it that particular day and swearing on peoples lives that he hadnt for me to then find it in his history. I think thats where it stemmed from.
Im so scared to see a doctor. I know that if I ended up signed off from work then Id be in big trouble and I cant deal with that. Im too scared to even call in sick to work because I know they would tell me off. I once took a snow day when everyone else did because it was too dangerous to drive. Even the owner didnt dare drive in it but the next day I was the only one called into the office and told off. Im trying my best to make friends but I just cant bring myself to talk to people and am so nervous out in public that I even get shopping trolleys even if im not buying anything so that I have something I can "hide behind"
I just dont know whats wrong with me!xx

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## Paula

Find what in his history, sweetheart?

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## Suzi

Is it the masturbation or the lying that's the problem? 

If you are being told off for being sick then that's something you should check up with the CAB/your union about as they can't do that...

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## Chloe0500

Find all the pictures of women he masturbates to in his history haha. Im not actually sure anymore which is the problem. It started out as the lying but now its just the whole thing thats a problem. And I cant help it no matter how much I try it is the only thing on my mind whilst Im at home. 
And Im going to sound really stupid here but I have no idea what a union is? 
I also found out today that work was supposed to offer me a pension or a pension scheme or something? Apparently it is the law for me to have a pension. Im not sure how true that is but ive never been offered or spoken to about any form of pension at all.
Im sorry I feel like Im being such a hassle and I shouldnt be sharing my problems when theres people far worse off than me. I feel so guilty for posting this now. Feel free to ignore it haha I know im such a hassle

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## S deleted

Not ignoring you and your problems are just as valid as anyone else’s and personal to you. Yes employers do have a legal requirement to provide a workplace pension. How long have you worked for this employer? Are you employed on an hourly rate of pay or a fixed salary? I would certainly get some advice from somewhere like CAB because it sounds like you’re being taken advantage of. Also if they are so short of staff they probably need you more than you need them so might be worth remembering that. 

As for your partner, well it’s simple, you deserve so much better. You are a young lass with your whole future ahead of you. Is it really love that keeps you there? Surely love is a two way street and it doesn’t sound like you are feeling especially loved. Settling for being treated the way you are is damaging. Believe me I know.

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## Paula

> Find all the pictures of women he masturbates to in his history haha.


Yes, hunni, that would be something Id be very upset about too. I agree with the others, you deserve much, much better.

Theres more information on unions here https://worksmart.org.uk/index.php.  Not all areas of work have trade unions but you should check. Please d9nt feel guilty for talking to us - how you feel is important and you deserve all the support you can get

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## Suzi

The others have said everything I was going to, so I'll just leave you a  :(bear):

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