# Help and Advice > Coping with Depression >  Lost a relative, massive trigger alert SU AB

## Sissy

I warn you guys in advance, this won't be a pleasant read, and if you feel bad already, please stop reading now. Moderators please move or remove this post if you see it needed. 

I lost a relative to suicide this week. We were not close, actually never got along too well because in his opinion my depression was self made condition, and I just always wanted to be center of everyone's attention. Which is weird, because I am an introvert - always been, and don't even want to change that. And... He sexually assaulted me few years ago. So yes, I feel nothing but disgust. Towards him, towards his actions, and towards myself because I never had the courage to tell anyone. Not even Le dude is fully aware of this, and I feel crippling guilt about it. Now the man is dead, blew his head away with a sawed shotgun. His sister has to deal with the aftermath, and asked me if I can help her. I don't want to. What he bloody hell am I supposed to do now? One moment I feel nothing at all, and next moment I feel every single negative emotion I can name. I don't want to help arranging stuff, I don't want to attend the burial, I don't want to bake a cake to serve anyone. I would highest likely lose it and scream blue murder at the grave and ask the devil to come gather his soul. How on earth am I supposed to deal with this? In my culture is not appropriate to say anything negative about the dead. Well I have not even one single nice thing to say anymore. And refusing to help or attend the funeral will be a royal insult to everyone else in family. And doing so against my own will is probably going to make me lose my fragile mental stability. What am I supposed to do....

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## OldMike

I don't know what to say and I can't begin to know how you're feeling. In your position I certainly wouldn't attend the funeral.

All I can do is give you a virtual hug  :(bear):  and send you my love  :Panda:

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## Jaquaia

Oh sweetheart  :Panda:  

It's ok to feel like that. You have nothing to feel guilty about at all. He betrayed your trust in the worst possible way, our families are supposed to love an protect us, not do things like that. In my case it was my cousin, so I understand how you feel. I've not really talked about it, only here really. But talking does help and hearing that it wasn't your fault does help. If you would prefer, we do have a private board for abuse that we can give you access to. It's not used often so is more private, you just need to PM Suzi if you would like access. It's completely up to you lovely, you can use here, a private board or not talk about it again until you feel ready.

As for the funeral, you need to do what's right for you. If it would cause a lot of problems you not going can you maybe claim to be ill? 

I hope you know just how brave and strong telling us that makes you? You're awesome  :Panda:

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OldMike (21-09-18),Suzi (21-09-18)

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## Paula

Sweetheart, Im so sorry  :(bear): .  Le Dude loves you deeply, can you try to talk to him about it, fully? I think youre going to need his love and support through this

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OldMike (21-09-18)

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## Suzi

I want to hug you. In my case it was my brother and his friend so I too get how you feel. I am more than happy to give you access to the private section to talk about it if you feel it would help. 
I know you don't want to go, but I will be going to my brothers just so I know that he's dead and buried.... I know that sounds horrible, but I can't help it. I did tell my parents about 18 years ago and was told that my older sister had told them the same thing, but they could never cut him out as he was their first born.... I still have to see him at family functions... I did tell Marc. He has always been there to support me and doesn't leave my side if he's around. If you can't say the words to Le Dude, maybe show him your post? Talk to him lovely - let him support you... But also shout and scream and get everything out of your head. And know that we understand... 
You are awesome. I know the courage it takes to write a post like that.

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Flo (25-09-18),OldMike (21-09-18)

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## Sissy

I can't wrap my head around this. So many things wrong. So many people in same situation. How many times must one person go through crap like this? It was a cousin, and every time we had a family gathering he was pressuring me, since childhood. And I never dared to speak out.

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## Jaquaia

I know I didn't speak out because I didn't think I would be believed. He took my innocence and I took the blame. Society teaches us that it must be something we did, we see and hear it everywhere, and it doesn't matter how much we know that it's not our fault, that we would tell anyone else in our shoes that it's not our fault, when it comes to us there's always a sense of guilt there and fear. I'm lucky as I could mostly avoid the cousin who raped me, I can't imagine how hard it must have been having to face yours over and over  :Panda:

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## Suzi

The thing is, 20, 30, 40 years ago things were different. I knew I'd never be believed.... Now - I hope - things are different. I think that now there is more support around and things like childline here, teachers are more aware and are trained more about how to spot and help children. There are police campaigns, more people are speaking out and I hope that things are better for anyone who is having to deal with this sh(t. 
Sissy you are so brave for speaking out. 
Do you want me to add you to the specific "Abuse Survivors" group here? It's very private and I'm the only one who can add people to it...

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## Sissy

You can add me. I am not sure if I can read those posts or post much before I get this all off my chest, but at least it is better for others not to see these if their situation gets worse seeing posts like this. I started talking to Le dude, and he is supportive. But he had to protect his own mother almost all his youth, so he is taking this bad. And I just want to forget and move on, but it is not happening.

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## Jaquaia

You don't have to read anything you don't want to read.

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## Suzi

Exactly as Jaq says, you don't need to read anything, you don't have to post, but just to know it's there as a safe place for you to talk can be enough.. I'm glad you were able to talk to Le Dude..  I'll add you now.

I've also added you to over 18's and the women's only section too. Can you add yourself to the "who is in this section" threads please.

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