# General Category > General Chit Chat >  That sinking feeling

## Stella180

I stupidly read a post I made on FB a year ago today. 2019 was difficult but generally positive year for me and I had big expectations for 2020, none of which have materialised. I lost a cousin to Covid, a brother to cancer, Ive lost friends due to misunderstandings and Im no closer to seeing my boys despite my positive outlook. Why do things always go from bad to worse for me? I make every effort to improve me situation but its like being in quicksand, the more I fight to get out, the deeper I sink. The highlight of this year? Being accepted for a boiler grant and having hot water again after a month. I dont know why I bother.

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## Suzi

I think there have probably been more smaller positives this year, but given the current way you are feeling I can understand that you are finding them difficult to see.

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## Mira

Yesterday you wrote that I was the male version of you. In that case I want to tell you to stop being dismissive of the little things that happen in your life that are good and positive!

On that note, we should celebrate the little things way more and better. I love the fab 5 thread every Friday. But for you and me we should be more aware of them every day. My therapist once said that with children we applaud the little things they do. Hey you brushed your teeth  :):  Well done for clearing the table. So many things. But when we clean the table we think yeah nice but the rest looks terrible. 

Every little thing is important. In the same way that you are important. You might not see it but I do. You Rock!!

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magie06 (07-12-20),Paula (07-12-20),Strugglingmum (07-12-20),Suzi (07-12-20)

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## Jaquaia

You became Talia's mummy! She's been positive for you

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Suzi (07-12-20)

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## Stella180

Yes, of course Talia is a superstar but I’m not her new mummy, more of a crazy aunt. She can clearly see I’m not right. The cleaners came today and normally she gets all excited, especially over the one lady but I was upstairs most of the time and she never left my side. Even when I was downstairs she was still stuck to me. I put the heating on earlier and can’t get warm which isn’t like me at all. Normally 30 mins is enough to take the chill off, an hour and I’m sweating. I’ve comeback to bed and the snuggle pup is giving me the best cuddles ever.

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## Jaquaia

Well she couldn't gone to anyone better

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## Stella180

Oh she probably could but I’m so glad you chose me. I love that little chunk to bits.

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## Suzi

I'm glad you have each other. Have you eaten? Had enough to drink? Taken meds?

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## Stella180

I’ve done meds and eaten a ton of crap earlier. Building myself up to take a far over due shower but I’m being pinned down by a beautiful little snuggle pup.

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## Suzi

Do you have any healthier options to eat? What have you had today?

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## Stella180

Oh there have been pears and grapes on the menu and a load of chocolate which I didn’t enjoy cos I’m not really a chocoholic. That’s about it.

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## Suzi

Pears and grapes are great, but full of natural sugar. Add that to chocolate and it's going to be a crappy time for your blood sugar. You need to start looking after you please? Can you start with the small things? Have you got up and got dressed? Even changed into clean pjs? Shower? Been out to the garden with Talia?

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## Stella180

No no no and no  :(:  I have attempted to make a couple of paracord items but my head isn’t right and I can’t get it right, at least not to my own high standards. 

It’s the little man’s birthday tomorrow. I wanted to make him a card but I sit down and my mind goes blank. Total lack of creativity. Something else to feel bad about cos it’s his 13th and I wanted to make it special and he likes my handmade stuff, at least he used to.

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## Paula

Sweetheart, youre putting too much expectation on yourself. Its not the end of the world if he gets a shop bought card, particularly if it is less stressful for you. And the paracord stuff can wait. What is much more important is that you eat more healthily, get clean and dressed and get into the garden for some fresh air. YOU are far more important than a card.

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Flo (08-12-20)

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## Suzi

Paula is totally right.

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## Stella180

It my baby boys birthday. If not bought him much as it is and dont even know if hell like what Ive got. The least I can do is make the effort to make him a card. This is his time not mine.

Ive ordered a takeaway and had a shower so tomorrow just need to deliver the presents.

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Flo (08-12-20)

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## Mira

As we do in the Netherlands, we congratulate everyone. So happy birthday with your boy  :Panda: .

And its both your time. Yes its his birthday but you are also important. And later when he looks back on this will he remember if he got a made card? Maybe?

My mum did everything she could for her children. And more. The best moments in my opinion where when she did something for herself. Your son would never want his mum to break or crack under pressure she gave herself. He never would.

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## Stella180

Mira I hear what you’re saying but I am no the kinda mother you have. I have let my boys down so many times, made so many mistakes, a just wanna get something right for once in my life.

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## Mira

You may not be the mother I have, but there are a lot of things I can see in you that are also my mothers. My mother would fight to the death for us. I have no doubt you would too. So many of your thoughts are for your children. You would give them the shirt of your back. Everything would be for them. Thats what you and my mum share. 

You should not look at this in black and white. My father had 40 years to reach out to me. He was free to do so. He never did. That I can see in black and white. he is a @#$@#%.

You are not. Its been a rough ride I understand. But when I think of you and compare it to my parents. I see way more of my mum in you then my dad. And you may not believe it. But that is my truth.

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Flo (08-12-20),Jaquaia (07-12-20),Paula (08-12-20),Suzi (08-12-20)

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## Paula

How are you this morning?

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## Suzi

Listen to Mira. That post is so spot on. Happy birthday to your young man love. You're doing all you can to fight to see him etc... What time are you going over to take the presents?

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## Stella180

Later this afternoon.

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## Suzi

How did it go?

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## Stella180

Not suitable for public discussion.

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## Suzi

:Panda:   :Panda:   :Panda:

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## Mira

:Panda:  :Panda:  I hope you are ok and safe.

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## Stella180

> I hope you are ok and safe.


I’m safer now than I was earlier. I really had enough earlier and was hurting so badly. I didn’t deal with it the best way possible but I’m ok. Could always be better but I’m ok.

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## Paula

How are you doing? Did you sleep?

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## Stella180

Yeah I slept. Had lots of cuddles too.

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## Paula

How do you feel?

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## Suzi

How are you today?

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## Stella180

Not great. Can’t stop thinking about yesterday. Report is due today and I need to speak with the solicitor after we’ve both read that.

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## Mira

Thats understandable. Is there someone you can talk to do you can reflect on yesterday a bit?

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## Suzi

I hope you've been kind to you this afternoon x

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## Stella180

I had a nap while waiting for the full report to come through. Still no sign of it. This whole thing is a bloody joke.

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## Suzi

:Panda:  Have you spoken to your solicitor?

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## Stella180

Not yet. Messaged cafcass and said they will send it via email but a paper copy is in the post too.

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## Stella180

Report is in and there is a lot of BS in there. My poor kids, no wonder Martin is confused.

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## Suzi

:Panda:

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## Paula

:Panda:

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## Suzi

Do you want me to move this thread so it's not in the public section?

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## Stella180

No point.

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## Suzi

OK, if you change your mind let me know.

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## Stella180

No reason to move it. No point hiding anymore. Yet again I am completely broken.

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## Suzi

:Panda:   :Panda:   :Panda:

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## Stella180

I received the packaging today to send my phone off for repair from the insurance company. I’ve been told that I’m looking at a 20 day turnaround so that means the best part of a month without my phone. I’m using an old handset at the moment but it’s dodgy so I’m really hoping it comes back sound than later.

So I damaged my phone, report comes back with bad news, I have a PiP assessment booked for Wednesday...surely I must be due a change in fortune soon. I’m really not dealing well with everything. It’s one thing after another at the moment and I just wanna scream and shout and throw a massive tantrum and it’s taking everything I can to not go off the rails.

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## Flo

I'm trying to find a plus side!....it can't get any worse so the only way is up from now on..things always happen in 3's!

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## Suzi

There are lots of things going on, but you're going to have to take it one day at a time.

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## Stella180

I found my laser pointer earlier and put new batteries in it. Talia has kept me entertained ever since. She really is a special animal in every sense of the word. I get chatting with my old Joy worker tonight who checked up on me. She offered an interesting opinion on the report. Not sure I feel better about it but something else to mention to the solicitor. 

I’ve just discovered America’s Top Dog. A bunch of K9’s and an “underdog” doing various challenges from agility courses to drug searches. It’s really cool.

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## Suzi

Glad you had a check up with her love and that you've got another angle to mention to your solicitor.

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## Stella180

I also had a mega cheap dinner courtesy of Tesco reduced stock. Steak - £1.99, Salad - 39p, and Strawberries for dessert - 81p. Bloody bargain. I love a yellow label deal.

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## Suzi

Morning, how are you today?

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## Stella180

Had a call with sleep clinic this morning but other than that all I’ve done in sleep.

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## Paula

Have you eaten, drank, medicated?

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## Stella180

Meds and a mouthful of water to take them with.

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## Stella180

Oops! I may have accidentally bought a new pair of over ear headphones. Not a cheap pair either.

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## Mira

Well I use mine a lot so I am happy that mine are comfy. Do you use them a lot?

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## Stella180

I have more sets of headphones than I have underwear. Put a max bid on eBay for some Bower and Wilkins PX7 and I won. £350 brand new and just picked up a used pair for £120.

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## Suzi

Can I ask why you bought more if you've already got lots? 

Have you had a proper amount to drink and something sensible to eat yet?

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## Stella180

Well I can’t find my favourite pair and the AirPods I have are fine but I can’t wear them for long due to comfort and they are in ear. The only wireless pair of over ear headphones I have are cheap ones so been looking at high end ANC wireless cans. I really wanted some Bang and Oulfsen as I’ve always dreamed of owning one of their products which are incredible but couldn’t anything as the right money. Get outbid on some H9’s twice is the dying seconds by a pound! Gutted. I hadn’t considered Bowers and Wilkins previously but I did a bit of research and actually they look good, tons of features and a lot of great reviews so I took the gamble and my new toy will be with me next week. I need something positive cos I have a seriously tough run in til Christmas.

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## Suzi

Fair enough lol

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## Stella180

I hope that are as good as the reviews all state cos I’ve never tried a pair before so buying blind. Already downloaded the app (yes that’s right to control the noise cancellation and update somewhere) ready to get them set up to my personal preference. Long gone are the days of just sticking them on your head and pressing play. We’re talking about the full sound experience.

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## Suzi

I hope they are awesome for you!

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## Stella180

Of course if anybody loves me enough to buy my some of these beautiful beasts for Christmas...

https://www.bang-olufsen.com/en/headphones/beoplay-h95

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## Paula

Hunni, I dont love my _husband_ enough for those  :O:

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## Stella180

I suppose I’ll just have to keep dreaming then.

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## Suzi

I don't have 700p right now, let alone £700 lol

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## Stella180

I got a call from my sister today asking if I wanted to go out for a drive. She needed someone to direct her to collect something she bought off Facebook. It got me out of the house for a bit. She wanted a bit of shopping so went to B&M for a few bits and pieces including some Harry Potter playing cards and a can of Stormtrooper Galactic Pale Ale. Yep, Star Wars beer lol. She wanted to go to Tesco too but wasn’t up for that as well so I waited in the car. She wanted to go out for a meal but I wasn’t in the mood so she bought me sausage and chips from the local chippy on the way home which was nice of her.

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## Suzi

I think it sounds great that you got out together and that she bought you dinner. Maybe you need to see more of her atm?

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## Stella180

I sent her the report but she hasn’t read it yet. I told her some of the details and she is really annoyed. I think she finally realises just how big an impact all of this is having on me.

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## Suzi

It can only be good that she's seeing it...

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## Stella180

Yep. This is the first time I’ve sent her anything, partly because I never felt she was particularly interested and partly cos I didn’t want her worrying about stuff.

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## Paula

Shes your sister, of course shes interested - she loves you.

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## Stella180

Yeah she’s my sister which means I know what she’s like. She has now offered to come round after work Christmas Day and have dinner with me after I pointed out that she was my only family. I’ve got my head around being on my own now so I’ll probably leave it that way.

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## Paula

I really wish you would spend some time with her, I really dont like the thought of you being alone

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## Stella180

There’s only two people I want to spend time with on Christmas Day, and that’s not going to happen.

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## Suzi

No it might not, but it doesn't mean you have to spend it with just Talia....

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## Stella180

I think I’d prefer that this year. I’m going to treat myself to a nice Christmas dinner, and even Talia might get one. I have food and booze and a TV remote. I’ll be fine

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## Suzi

That's your choice, but it might be a good idea not to say no definitely to your sister...

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## Flo

See how you feel and leave your options open...but, I know two people spending Christmas on their own and they are looking forward to it. I find Christmas quite stressful. It's because I ruined so many C. days drinking and my kids suffered as a result. I'd cancel it if I had my way. There are a lot of people who see it as just another 24 hours...

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## Suzi

:Panda:  Flo...

How are you today Stella?

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## Stella180

Headphones have arrived. All set up and listening to Beat It. Sounds good. Solicitor is calling shortly so see what they are like on calls.

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## Flo

Jolly good! Are they your Christmas prezzy to yourself?

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## Stella180

They are. Now listening to Billy Joel performing live in my ears. The noise cancellation is pretty awesome too so going shopping will be a bit less stressful.

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## Suzi

How did it go with the solicitor?

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## Stella180

Not good.

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## Suzi

What did they say?

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## Paula

What happened?

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## Stella180

It’s not really in our hands anymore. He can put in his argument against the report but from experience he’s not hopeful.

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## Suzi

:Panda:   :(bear):   :Panda:   :(bear):

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## Paula

:Panda:  was there anything in addition to the report he talked to you about?

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## Stella180

Like what?

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## Paula

Like what happens next? After the court?

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## Stella180

Can’t answer that until we know what happens. 

I’ve managed to get through a couple of audiobooks tonight but not a wink of sleep. My head is pounding and I feel like crap but I just relax properly. Even cuddling the snuggle pup didn’t help. Gonna get up and have a shower and start sorting my craft table out. It’s a complete mess and I have so much stuff to do.

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## Paula

:Panda:

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## Suzi

Can you be kind to you today?

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## Stella180

I gave up and went to bed at 1.30pm, my cleaners showed up a few minutes after my washing machine dumped its contents all over my kitchen floor so they cleaned that up for me which was good timing. They even bought me a Christmas present which was kind of them. I managed a couple of hours kip but I’m absolutely shattered and can’t wait to hit the sack again. Trying to hold out til 10pm when the darts is over. Day 1 of the World Championship today. I have to be up early in the morning for my PiP assessment which I’m not really prepared for but I just want it over and done with.

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## Suzi

All yo can do tomorrow is tell them how things really are for you. Be honest.

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## Paula

:Panda:

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## Stella180

Typical. Been knackered all day and now I don’t want to sleep. Not impressed.

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## Suzi

Thinking of you today. Hope it goes as well as it can do.

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## Paula

With you in spirit  :(bear):

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## Stella180

I’ve just been through my cupboards and drawers searching for my paperwork and notes. I’ve found loads of stuff I didn’t want but eventually found what I needed. Cleaners. Call is at 9.15 and a bit nervous. I think this is worse doing it by phone than f2f cos I’ve skipped the biggest part for me the prep. Planning what time to leave the house, where to park, or would it be easier by bus? Getting up, showered, dressed medicated and what do I need to take with me? Phone, keys, paperwork etc. For some reason taking a call while lazing on the sofa in my pjs feels wrong.

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## Jaquaia

Taking the call naked would be worse  :O: 

Thinking of you

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## Stella180

All done. 6-8 weeks to find out my fate. Not sure how it went cos she was literally just reading a script. Being asked what my “autism symptoms” were was....well what a dumb question. Anyway it’s over for now. Just wait and see what happens. Probably something else I will have to fight for but trying not to think about that. Got enough crap in my life as it is to deal with.

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## Paula

Well done, love. Can you please, please be kind to you now?

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## Suzi

Well done love. Are you being kind to you now?

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## Stella180

If by being kind to me you mean cleaning my CPAP changing the filter and setting up the new humidifier while watching the darts then yes, I’m being very kind to myself. Talia is being very clingy today. Literally just as I typed that she lifted her head off my lap, sat up and gave me kisses and nudged my arm so I would give her cuddles.

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## Suzi

Aww puppy cuddles are awesome..

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## Stella180

She’s a real cuddle monster. I’m not lay on the sofa, she is lay behind we snoring.she’s not happy if she’s not touching me. She really is the most loving dog anyone could ask for but sometimes it can be annoying when you just want to be left alone. She has been spoiled rotten for Christmas and not only by me.

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## Paula

Is the humidifier worth getting?

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## Stella180

I struggle with a dry mouth and me being me I’ve just put up with it for ages but it’s taking its toll now especially on my gums so it was recommended I give it a try. I’ll let you know how I get on with it after tonight.

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## Paula

Yeah, thats my biggest issue -  ami dries my mouth, so thank you

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## Stella180

Absolutely fuming!!! :@:  :@:  :@: 

Just received an email from the company I was advised to send my phone to for repair. The insurance claim I made on 3rd December when I was warned that repairs may take up to 20 days, I expected to get my phone back by Christmas or at least before the new year. I’ve now been told that the repair can only be carried out by Apple (we knew this right from the start) and the repairer isn’t Apple authoritied so is waiting for them to send a pack to forward the phone and carry out the repair. However, the repair centre who currently have my phone closes for Christmas on Friday and as the pack is unlikely to arrive before then they won’t be able to send it off until they reopen...on 11th Jan!!! It’s taken two weeks already to send it to some one who isn’t even authorised to fix it. Then a further 3 weeks until the handset is sent to and authorised repair centre, and a potentially a further 20 days for the repair to be carried out. The phone is then sent back the the guy who emailed me today who will them send it back to me so I’m looking at getting it back sometime in February. 

I have just gone ballistic at the insurers, (Insure My Gadget for those who want to avoid them which I strongly recommend) who have blamed COVID, 2nd lockdown, the postal service, and even The phone but still will not accept that their service is  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  poor. I pointed out that the reason I took insurance on my phone what is for peace of mind and and instead one pad is nothing but stress.

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## Strugglingmum

Katie lay and cuddled me today throughout my psychology appointment,  when I cried she just cuddled all the harder

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Stella180 (16-12-20)

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## Suzi

Stella - what are you going to do? Is it just a have to wait thing or can you get it sorted elsewhere?

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## Stella180

You’ll love this. I have3 options. 

1. Wait til February
2. Have the phone sent back to me and then go to the post office and send it off again to a different third party repairer, who still isn’t Apple authorised but is open over the Christmas period, and get them to send it to Apple for repair. 
3. Have the phone sent back to me, and take it to my nearest Apple store, approximately 30 miles away, pay £197 for the repair, and send the invoice to the insurance company for reimbursement which will take 5-10 days from date of receipt. 

Bare in mind that I have already paid a £50 excess, and when you add on the cost of fuel to drop off and pick up the phone plus my time it defeats the object of having insurance in the first place so I’m going for the second option but I feel like I’ve been proper stitched up and still won’t get the phone back til well after New Year.  

Just another day in the life of me. One more thing that should be simple yet I still have to fight for, and you wonder why I am so sick of this life? 

Oh, and in other news, I’ve bought a smaller unit for my living room so need to clear out the old one and transfer stuff to the new one ready for the old one to be chucked out and my sister wants me to go out with her tomorrow. She said she’ll call to let me know what time, which means either she will forget to call or expect me to be ready with about 10 mins notice.

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## Suzi

I know it's frustrating about your phone, and some insurers can be totally annoying and rubbish, but at least you are going to get it done.. 
What's the unit? 
It's good that you're going out with your sister...

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## Paula

Is it worth calling your sister this morning rather than waiting for her to call?

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## Stella180

Morning? My sister doesn’t do mornings lol

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## Suzi

Still, might be an idea to call her so you have an idea of time?

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## Stella180

I’m just going to get on with transferring stuff to the new unit. It’s less that half the size and I’ve got a lot of crap to get rid of. Just sat down to try and work out what I’m going to do with all the rest. I’m got as far as transferring my darts trophies. At least the ones I rescued after my ex went on his rampage and damaged most of them.

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## Paula

He did what???  :(punch):

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## Suzi

That's awful!

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## Paula

What time tomorrow, hunni?

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## Stella180

That was back on the day I left the house. My county awards for lady of the match all got broke which I was gutted about. I had about 30ish trophies all told and Ive get maybe 9-10 left.

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## Suzi

That's really sad..

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## Strugglingmum

I'm sad for you about your trophies. 
Enjoy time with your sister tomorrow

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## Paula

What time today?

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## Suzi

How are you love?

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## Stella180

Better than I was when I woke up this morning. Lots of stress and tears earlier but a bit calmer now. Currently sat in a car park by the post office eating fish and chips while waiting for the insurance company to send me the correct email to allow me to post my phone to the relevant company.

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## Strugglingmum

Yum! Love fish and chips.  Haven't had them in yonks!

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## Suzi

Glad you're eating something.

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## Stella180

Took til 4.30pm to get the email I needed and then I had to take the phone to the Royal Mail delivery office to print the label off. Still it’s on its way to Watford now after coming back to me from Stoke on Trent, which means my phone has travelled further then I have this year. Should get it back in a appropriately a month  :(think): 

I’ve got lots of treats tonight to enjoy while watching the darts. Fruit, salad and popcorn depending on what I fancy. Oh and beer.

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## Suzi

Wow, what a well travelled phone! 

Enjoy the darts love.

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## Paula

Good, you deserve treats!

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## Stella180

Strawberries and raspberries. I may have accidentally bought Bailey’s extra thick cream to go with it.

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## Paula

Ooooyumm

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## Stella180

Oh it was amazing. Very luxurious for me.

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## Suzi

Love strawberries and raspberries!

How are you today?

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## Flo

Oooh! Slurp!...especially with a tub of clotted cream!

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## Stella180

Only just out of bed. I W as still awake at 3am, couldn’t get off to sleep but once I finally did I slept through. I could happily go back to bed again now but I have lots to do and already wasted half a day. Gonna stick on some tunes and crack on with swapping these units around. I made a start on Thursday but get stressed and left it so my house has been in a state of disarray since then.

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## Suzi

Hope it's going well... .

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## Paula

Its not wasting the day,its recovering from a very difficult week....

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## Stella180

My sister is here to “help” and so far she’s taken over Alexa and keeps winding up the dog.

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## Stella180

The old unit is cleared and ready to go. I put an ad on Facebook to see if anyone wants to take it away free of charge. Lots of interest but like anything up for free people will ask about it but not bother. This is why I normally put a small price on stuff to separate the idiots from the serious folk. Still tons of stuff that needs to be sorted out and figure out where I’m going put it but just want this monstrosity out of the way first. It was one of my parents furniture items and something I was reluctant to get rid of previously but it’s definitely time now to stop being sentimental and start being more practical. 

I heard earlier about the Christmas lockdown changes and it makes me so angry. When BoJo the clown initially announced the relaxation of rules for Christmas I thought it was a bad idea but he gave hope to so many people and now that has all been taken away from them again which is so cruel. This time of year is tough for so many and the government are messing with their heads even more. It’s a disgrace.

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## Suzi

I'm glad you spent some time with your sister. 

Lockdown rules changes are here..... We are trying to work everything out now....  :(:

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## Stella180

Today has been a write off. Crawled out of bed around 12.30, put together 3 Christmas cards and went back to bed. My sister basically dumped all the stuff from the unit on to my craft table so I need to sort all of that out now and can’t do what I need to do in the meantime.

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## Suzi

That's ok, can you try to do bits tomorrow....

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## Stella180

Tomorrow I’m wrapping presents. Need to make a few gift tags and that’s Christmas sorted. I’m sorry peeps but I’ve not managed to get cards and presents out this year to a lot of you but I am thinking of you all this Christmas

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Flo (21-12-20),Paula (20-12-20)

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## Suzi

Hunni, anyone who doesn't understand that things have been really tough with everything that you've had going on isn't worth your cards at all. You never have to apologise to me and I'm sure I'm not alone. I don't expect cards etc, just knowing that you've got through everything you have this year is more than enough for me.

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## Paula

Totally agree with Suzi. I dont want or need anything from you except that youre here, still fighting  :Panda:

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Suzi (21-12-20)

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## Jaquaia

Yep. What they said!

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Suzi (21-12-20)

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## Flo

Yes.....absolutely right!

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Suzi (21-12-20)

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## Angie

Another who agrees with Suzi hunni x

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## Stella180

I feel like I could cry. Got a message a short while ago to say a Royal Mail delivery was due today. I hadn’t ordered anything other than my printer which is coming via a different courier. On checking my email I find that the repair centre my phone was sent too are returning my phone with a 3rd party screen fitted. This means that certain features will not be available and the cost to repair was less than the cost of my policy and excess. I could’ve done that myself. So I get my phone back which is great but not in the condition I was expecting. I’m just so fed up with having to constantly fight for every little thing in my life. I don’t have the energy for this right now.

----------


## Paula

Thats disgusting. What do the insurance company say? Can you call them?

----------


## Stella180

I'm going to email them. Really can't cope with a phone conversation. Oh and my new printer has arrived, just in time for the old one to print off the letters I wrote. AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni! Surely they can't do that with your phone without your agreement? That's disgusting!

----------


## Stella180

The cleaners were here earlier and when they emptied the kitchen sink water went everywhere. The waste pipe has popped off flooding the kitchen and ruined everything in the cupboard. 

Phone has arrived and has been wiped so have to set that up from scratch again and have lost all of my music and files. Still awaiting a response from the insurer.

Checked my bank account and I have seriously over spent in the past couple of weeks and my savings account is virtually empty. This is a worry because if my PiP claim is stopped after this assessment I've got nothing to fall back on. 


Really don't have the mental capacity to deal with any of this today. There have been plenty of tears but little else productive done at all.

----------


## Suzi

Oh no! Not another flooding. What was in the cupboard? 
I hope you're complaining to the insurer! This is terrible customer service. 

 :Panda:   :(bear):   :Panda:   :(bear):

----------


## Stella180

Mostly cleaning stuff but the filters for my water bottle were in there. A load of brand new kitchen rolls have been slung. Waste of time stocking up on them.

----------


## Suzi

Annoying, but nothing major?

----------


## Stella180

Nah nothing major. It’s sorted now I think. It was just one more thing on an already crappy day.

----------


## Suzi

That I understand.....

----------


## Stella180

I want to take the opportunity to thank the members here for their generosity with gifts and cards and incredible support since my return to this forum. I was unsure if I should come back after the way things ended before but I was welcomed back into the fold with open arms and I realised just how much I loved this place and the people in it. When I feel so lost and alone in my life my friends on this forum have reminded me that Im not alone and I am a part of the DWD family (even if that is as the weird crazy aunt whose mood and attitude changes with the wind direction), and I honestly cannot thank each and every one of you who have commented with advise and support over the past year. Your kindness has made such a huge difference to me. Some really have gone above and beyond anything I could have asked and a truly appreciate all youve done for me.

----------

Angie (23-12-20),Flo (24-12-20),Jaquaia (24-12-20),magie06 (24-12-20),Paula (24-12-20),Strugglingmum (24-12-20)

----------


## Suzi

Pfft, you're well loved and def part of the DWD Family. It's a special thing...

----------


## Stella180

And I’m all kinds of special lol

----------


## Suzi

But aren't we all?  :):

----------


## Stella180

Obviously. That’s why I love you all. Honestly this year has been tough, and I’m not talking COVID and lockdown, but I couldn’t ask for a better bunch of people to have my back and I really am so incredibly grateful.

----------


## Suzi

It's just all about love and understanding...

----------

Stella180 (24-12-20)

----------


## Paula

:Kiss:

----------


## Stella180

> It's just all about love and understanding...


As someone who things in song lyrics I now have Cher stuck in my head lol

----------


## Angie

One of my favourite singers

----------


## Flo

You're worth loving! xx

----------

Stella180 (24-12-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> As someone who things in song lyrics I now have Cher stuck in my head lol


Thanks......now I do too :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

Morning love, how are you?

----------


## Stella180

Need to get my stinky self into the shower, well it is Christmas lol. Picking up meds for Talia this worming and going to the watch WW84 this afternoon with a friend I’ve not seen in months and get some cuddles with her assistance dog.

----------


## Flo

Have a good day!!

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like a good day planned love.

----------


## Paula

Ooo enjoy it, were having to cancel our date to see it :/

----------


## Stella180

Oh no! That sucks. Is that cos of tier 4? Can you not get a regular viewing in today?

----------


## Paula

No, its because Ive been asked to shield again and Si isnt happy me making unnecessary trips

----------


## Flo

Isn't it all a bugger!? We go up to tier 3 on Boxing day.....my boy will be tier 4....daughter tier 4 (Scotland)...Devon 200 yards up the road will stay the same tier 2  as will Dorset (for now anyway)

----------


## Stella180

We’re staying tier 2. 

Paula you really need to sweet talk Si. Really enjoyed it especially the very end. Was a nice touch.

----------


## Paula

Def not happening now. Even outdoor events are closing in tier 4 so we wont be seeing it anywhere until things change

----------


## Suzi

We're in tier 4 and have been as soon as it was announced. Everything non essential is meant to be shut... You sound really fed up about not being able to go out again.... Are you OK? Should I be worried about you?

----------


## Mira

:Panda:  :Panda:

----------


## Paula

Nooo, Im good

----------


## Suzi

I'm not sure I totally believe you....

----------


## Stella180

It’s snowing!!! Yay!!! I woke up this morning and everything was white. My mate lasted about 10 mins before heading back to bed. It’s safe to say he’s a little worse for wear today lol. He’s supposed to be at work at 6pm but he’s in no fit state.

----------


## Paula

Did you have a good day?

----------


## Stella180

It was fun. Especially his rendition of man I feel like a gay boy. Really funny. Bit gutted with a draw in the footy and never going to play drinking games like that again. It got kinda messy.

----------


## Suzi

You sounded fairly worse for wear when I spoke to you yesterday! lol 

Glad you had a good day!

----------


## Stella180

I was really drunk but we had a good laugh. My mate has been back on the vodka this afternoon. Don’t know how he does it.  Was on the booze from 12pm til 2am yesterday. He really is a bad influence.

----------


## Suzi

So, having fun today too?

----------


## Stella180

Nah I’m just chilling. Just booting him out so he can go to work. I’m done with having company. Need my alone time now.

----------


## Suzi

What does he do for a job? Going in hungover and drunk? oops...

----------


## Stella180

He works at Wetherspoon’s. Can’t say I approve but he’s a grown man who makes his own choices.

----------


## Suzi

He does....

----------


## Stella180

I was so glad when he left. I could relax again and start getting back to normality.

----------


## Suzi

How are you today?

----------


## Stella180

Cleaners are here. Didn’t think they would bother with the weather as it is. Just had a fluffy of snowflakes bigger than I’ve ever seen. I’ve been ordered by them not to leave the house. They are very convincing.

----------


## Paula

How are you feeling? Recovered from having company?

----------


## Stella180

I’ll be happier when the cleaners are gone. I just wanna be left alone. Just me the dog and the tv remote. Currently lay on the sofa under a blanket and I’m not moving. The cleaner will just have work around me. Put the heating on for them but got the fan on me lol. Yeah I know I’m weird.

----------


## Suzi

How's the rest of the day gone?!

----------


## Stella180

Ok. Had to remove most of the stuff from my fridge cos the cleaner thinks EVERYTHING lives in the fridge. There was so much crap in there the door wouldn’t shut properly! So I had to remove everything that can happily survive at room temperature, chocolates, Bailey’s, apple pies, mince pies and some of the soft drinks I’d stocked up on cos they didn’t all need to be chilled. 

Watched Hook which got me a bit emotional. Talia has been asleep on the sofa and just woke up and started whimpering. She’s not been right since my mate arrived Sunday. He’s not really a dog person and wouldn’t give her attention and just ordered her on to her bed every time she went near him.

----------


## Suzi

I love Hook! 
Aww Poor Talia!

----------


## Stella180

I know, poor baby. She a real attention whore, such a loving pooch. He wasn’t nasty to her but she wasn’t happy being ignored.

----------


## Suzi

Aww, bet she's never been ignored!

----------


## Stella180

Ive never witnessed it in the past. She currently lay on my leg, snoring. Need to get her to move for her last wee of the night before bed.

----------


## Suzi

How are you both this morning?

----------


## Stella180

Ok. She’s currently having lots of cuddles which I think we both need right now.

----------


## Suzi

Good. I'm glad you have each other.

----------


## Stella180

Oh well Tier 3 here I come as on midnight tonight. It’s not really going to make a huge difference to my life anyway but the constant uncertainty is really damaging to everybody.

----------


## Suzi

We're still in tier 4, still watching the news in Wales. Currently B can't go back to uni until at least the 11th, but he also isn't meant to leave the tier 4 area...

----------


## Paula

My parents have gone from tier 1 to tier 4 in two weeks..... weve been in tier 4 since Boxing Day - tbh, I expected the whole country to be put into tier 4 today

----------


## Stella180

Nobody knows where they stand from one week to the next. Will they have work or not? Can they see family or not? Are they able to travel? Is it worth booking a summer holiday? So much uncertainty and that is never good for anyone. 

I may not be as rigid as some of you regarding the rules. But from the start I have had the same approach, a may be high-risk but not extremely high risk and living alone I have to go out sometimes cos I have no one to do it for me. I still limit my access to other people but for my own sanity I need some company at some point. I know many of you might think having someone in my home is risky but other than my cleaners who are essential to me the only people I have spent time with are my sister and My friend at the weekend. There may be a virus going around but I can’t be completely isolated from the rest of the world indefinitely. Nobody can.

----------


## Suzi

I don't think anyone was judging you for having a friend over.....

----------


## Stella180

Oh no that’s not what I meant.

----------


## Suzi

That's OK...  How are you doing today?

----------


## Stella180

The usual New Year’s Eve slump. I hate this time of year. Been listening to songs from the movies to try and pick me up.

----------


## Suzi

Why is NYE so bad?

----------


## Stella180

Same as for everyone I guess. Reflecting on the year, people we’ve lost, being alone etc. Family and friends (usually) seeing the new year in together and I feel left out.

----------


## Suzi

I'm sorry you feel like that. Is there anyway that you can go to your sisters as part of a support bubble?

----------


## Stella180

No, that would only make things worse.

----------


## Suzi

OK....

----------


## Paula

How are you feeling this morning?

----------


## Stella180

Ok I guess. Kinda went on a self destruct mission early hours of this morning. I was unsuccessful in doing something I could hate myself for later.

----------


## Suzi

What did you do?

----------


## Stella180

Rather not say but I’m ok nothing actually happened.

----------


## Paula

Im glad whatever it was didnt happen

----------


## Suzi

Glad that you looked after yourself...

----------


## Stella180

Been to Tesco for a few bits and picked up a chicken from the hot deli counter so the pooch and I have demolished that for lunch. 

Feeling a bit down at the moment. Been having a few niggles lately especially with neck and shoulder pain. It’s not really bad but it’s been lingering for a while and I’m just fed up with it now. I’ve got a few joint issues with my hands and I’ve been a bit stiff generally but the biggest problem which sounds daft when I say it but the DIP joint on my left index finger is incredibly painful. Being right handed I can get away with it but getting in the car and turning the heated rear screen on I could’ve screamed the pain was so intense just pushing a button. 

I know many of you struggle with chronic pain and I feel a bit of a whinger even mentioning it to you guys but it’s just something else to get me down. Loads of little things which on there own are nothing but it all adds up and starts weighing me down. The time of year is hard for me and although the festivities are now over the release of the tension and recovery still takes a bit of time. Hearing everyone going on about thank god 2020 is over and I’m thinking apart from a date change absolutely nothing has changed so what a load of  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: . Covid is still an issue, Brexit is very real and a complete hash up, I still can’t see my kids, still have to wait to hear if my pip award will change or be stopped. Things are just as crap as before and no one waved a magic wand and made everything better at midnight but I so wish they had.

----------


## Suzi

They didn't wave a magic wand anywhere, but things HAVE changed. Your boys know you are fighting for them. Down to your actions M should be getting the help that he needs. You've got cleaners who you are tolerating and working with, you've got options re Aspie, you've started to go to matches and loads of other things... 
Yes there are loads of big things, but maybe focus on some of the other things that are positive - you're back here too, that's huge.

----------


## Stella180

Yeah I’m glad I’m back. You’ve all made a huge difference. Coming up to a year now and I don’t think I’ve been involved in any major drama. That must be some kind of record for me lol. Seriously, I have been trying real hard to prove myself not just to you guys but to myself. I know I can be a bit prickly and when I go off the deep end things get really messy. I don’t mean to be awkward or upset anyone, I just can’t always see what I dick I’m being.

Oh I’m other news the lady who runs Aspie has only gone and found herself on the Queen’s New Year’s Honours List! Really chuffed for her.

----------


## Paula

Thats awesome news! Congratulations to her  :): 

I, for one, have always been glad youre back

----------


## Suzi

That's so cool! Well done to her!! 
I, also, am glad you're back  :O:

----------


## Stella180

Currently sat at my craft table which seriously needs organising but don’t have a clue where to start.

----------


## Suzi

Start with putting 1 thing away. Then you've started. Then do the next thing... It's how I'm going to tackle things today with the mindset "as long as it's better than it was..."

----------


## Stella180

It’s know what to do with it all. I need a plan and work out what lives where. I need to separate the various craft stuff so paracord stuff in one place, card stuff in another etc. I haven’t yet worked out the logistics and I can’t get my head to work on the solution. I know I’m useless, that’s why I have decided to give up and go cry into my pillow instead.

----------


## Paula

Youre not useless, at all. Maybe todays not the day to do it all, maybes the day just to do one section?

----------


## Stella180

I’m just frustrated cos I know the end result I want to achieve I just don’t know how best to get there without making a ton of mess, stressing out over it and getting upset.

----------


## Suzi

You're trying to do it all in one go. That's only going to cause mess/stress/upset. Be kind to you. One bit at a time.

----------


## Stella180

I’ve decided to do the washing up and book a repair for the washing machine. Got a 10 day wait.

----------


## Suzi

That's a pita having to wait so long!

----------


## Stella180

I’m really not having a good day. There’s no real reason for it, I’m just finding everything a struggle. Twice I’ve tried to get the washing up done and still forget some stuff. I really need to change my bedding but every time I go up there I just lie on the bed and nothing gets done. I fancied a cooked dinner but it looks like microwave crap or what ever is in the fridge tonight cos I’ve really not got it in me to do much else. Darts world champs final is on later and not even able to get excited about that.

----------


## Suzi

Is there anything that could be triggering this mood?

----------


## Stella180

Dunno, well there’s  tons of rl stuff going on and it does all get me down but some days it’s a case of just getting by. I literally can’t think straight, like there is a mental block, and my brain is is like nope, cannot compute. May as well just bang my head against a brick wall. I’m not doing a very good job of explaining it. I’m totally flat, everything is an effort. I don’t feel bad, i don’t really feel anything unless I try and push myself which leads to frustration and disappointment but doing nothing is a waste.

----------


## Paula

How about some self care? Maybe that should be what youre doing right now....

----------


## Stella180

Think of it like the first big lockdown in March. You really wanted to go get a hair cut or your nails done or go to the gym but it didn’t matter how much you wanted it you simply could not do it. That’s what it’s like in my head at times like this but instead of the government stopping me doing stuff it’s my own mind.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Sounds like a hot bath kind of night.

----------


## Stella180

Even running a bath is too much effort and far more luxurious than I deserve. Maybe tomorrow.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Um I think you'll find that a hot bath is not something you have to earn.....ie you deserve one just by being, not doing. Xxx
Hope you find some peace.

----------

Stella180 (03-01-21),Suzi (03-01-21)

----------


## Suzi

SM is right. It's got nothing to do with "earning" it at all.... Go and get in the bath....

----------


## Stella180

Nah I cba. That can be my reward for getting a few things sorted tomorrow. Nothing too challenging but tonight I’m gonna watch the end of the darts and go straight to bed.

----------


## Suzi

Fair enough... It shouldn't be a reward thing, just a you should have one because you want one...

----------


## Stella180

Yeah but we all need something nice to look forward too.

----------


## Suzi

So very true!

----------


## Stella180

Couldn’t sleep last night. Still awake at 3am. Phone rang at 7am, my sister had lost her keys and needed my spare. Was not impressed. Been trying to go back to sleep ever since.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry you didn't sleep well... Does she lose keys often?

----------


## Paula

I hope youre still having a lie in....

----------


## Stella180

Still lay in bed. Dropped off to sleep for a little while but I just feel really crappy now. My eyes are sore, head hurts and no energy. It ruined my plans to get stuff done today which I’m trying not to get upset about. It’s only the second time I’ve had to go round with a key and the first time was a false alarm. I’m just wondering if I called her at 7am needing help how long it would take for her to turn up. That’s assuming she even answered the call. She wouldn’t even have a spare key if it wasn’t for me paying for it. I’m just being grumpy. These things happen. I just wish these supper unexpected things didn’t through me out of sync so much cos after yesterday didn’t go well I wanted to make a change today and instead it’s another day of feeling useless.

----------


## Paula

Youre _usefully_ giving yourself a day of self care to avoid even more time that you need to recover

----------


## Suzi

There's nothing stopping you getting up and doing something that was on your list - something that is achievable....

----------


## Stella180

I got as far as taking the recycling out.  Ate lunch and been catching up on His Dark Materials.

My finger splints just turned up. Hopefully that will bring me a bit of relief. Thanks for the recommendation Suzi.

----------


## Suzi

Well done for the recycling! How far into HDM are you? Loving it? 
Glad they turned up, hope it helps love.

----------


## Stella180

All caught up now and yeah it’s cool. Next on the agenda is Dr Who.

----------


## Suzi

Enjoy...

----------


## Stella180

Why do I always do it? Somebody in one of the groups I’m in was asking about Michael Jackson. Obviously maybe me commented on the post stating that I’m reluctant to talk about him despite my interest because of the negative and sometimes nasty comments that follow. A couple of people start show an interest in my opinion so I started to expand. By the time I’d finished typing my essay of a reply I saw a ton of messages about how he was an abuser child molester blah blah blah so now I’m feeling pretty crappy again.

----------


## Suzi

Oh love, the thing is no-one knows for sure either way, apart from those who were there. I'm sorry that you feel crappy again love....  :Panda:

----------


## Stella180

It just really annoys me that people are so happy to  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  on my parade. I absolutely adore MJ, his music, his dancing, everything and some people just have to be negative and nasty about it and don’t realise that actually it is quite hurtful. I would love to be able to have a regular conversation about my favourite music artist of all time without someone wading i with the paedo comments.

----------


## Mira

This is something we see happen more and more these days. When a public figure is being incriminated the public is more then happy to destroy someones career without even looking into it if its true or not. This is something we see happen all the time now. And then what puzzles me is why we do it to some and not to others?

It seems that today more and more people feel that if they have an opinion its the truth and everything else has no right to be. I can actually get real worked up about this

----------


## Stella180

You are spot on there mate. Don’t even get me started on “cancel culture”. We all seem to think it’s ok to say horrible things especially online, just cos all they see is a screen they forget it’s a real person on the other end reading the hateful stuff they write. I’m thinking about ditching social media again for a while. It’s supposed to bring people closer together but instead it’s tearing us all apart.

----------


## Stella180

I didn’t sleep well last night and I fell asleep on the sofa this afternoon but woke up with a stinking headache. After the farce in the post office this morning as well it’s not been a great start to the week.

----------


## Suzi

What happened in the post office? 

Has your headache lifted?

----------


## Stella180

How do I explain it? The local post office counter is inside a costcutter store. Only 4 ppl allowed inside to queue for the post office so I stood outside in a queue for about 30mins in the cold. When it was my turn to go it I said I needed an envelope but the stationary was costcutter stuff so had to pay for this separately. I then joined the queue again to be told I had to get to the back so 2 ppl behind me in the queue were served before me. When it was my turn the post mistress was moaning about the costcutter staff letting more customers in and that cos of covid it should be 4 ppl in the whole shop not just the PO. It’s a good sized store and can easily have more and still remain at a safe distance. She was moaning about a woman who brought her 2 young children into the shop and that it was against the rules then said due to my exemption I must be terrified of what was going on around me. I pointed out that everything was fine apart from having to stand outside in the cold for so long only to be pushed back in the queue to pay for a bloody envelope meaning I was exposed for longer than I needed to be and that was on her not anyone else. Didn’t get an apology but it did shut her up at least.

----------


## Suzi

Oh love! I'm sorry! What a complete pita! Thank you for going through that for me. xx

----------


## Stella180

It annoyed me that she was moaning about everyone else and yet she was the biggest problem. How is a single mum supposed to leave two small children alone? The costcutter staff were perfectly right to allow their own customers in and were also helping to organise her customers too. I hate the attitude of some people during this pandemic. So quick to judge others but do nothing to try and improve situations.

Dealing with her is nothing compared to all you do for me and everyone else here. I just hope it will be of use to you. Better than just sitting in my house doing nothing. I wish I’d thought about it earlier.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  How are you today lovely?

----------


## Stella180

When I first read this I was feeling incredibly anxious to the point where my chest was tight but I was stood in a long queue in Home Bargains. I’m home and settled now, even though the cleaner has rearranged my living room again! I picked up a “cone of chips” and saveloy. The portion size again was ridiculous. Why do they give you so much food? I mean I’m all for value for money but not when it becomes wasteful. 

Oh and yesterday I learned that the English language is being adapted yet again. What do you call someone who doesn’t eat animal products? Vegan right?  Someone who doesn’t eat meat? Vegetarian. Someone who occasionally eats meat? A flexitarian! Why do we need a new word for the regular diet of a human being? Humans are omnivores. We eat plants and meat. We don’t need a new word to describe it but we’ve got one anyway. Another buzzword to make people feel special. 

Ok rant over. My back is a little sore today so gonna veg out on the sofa and reduce my blood pressure which spikes any time I go near social media lol. So many idiots in this world and I really don’t need to be connected to them.

----------


## Suzi

Flexitarian has been around for a while, but yes I agree it's omnivore if you eat/use both. 

Hope you can rest your back love, back pain sucks...

----------


## Stella180

It’s a word that has only just come to my attention and I wish I could rewind 24hrs because my life was so much better before I heard it.

----------


## Suzi

Oh love! Why is it upsetting you so much?

----------


## Stella180

I was kidding.

----------


## Suzi

Lol... Sorry love... 

Morning. How are you today?

----------


## Paula

My MIL says shes a pescatarian, having been vegetarian for years. I was sure she was making the term up but apparently not...

----------


## Stella180

Ahh a fish eater. 

I’m waiting for lazy pooch to wake up. I’ve been enjoying cuddles all morning while listening to random tunes. Back is still a bit dodgy. It’s like a dull ache right at the base of my spine and more annoying than painful.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry that your back is still bad love... Can you be kind and gentle to you? 

Also, thank you the dressings arrived this morning.

----------


## Stella180

Cool. They are a but strange cos they kinda cling on rather that the adhesive used on regular dressings so hopefully more genital for your skin. Think of it as a free trial. If it works great, if not you’ve lost nothing. 

Might have to find the power lead for my massage chair and use that today.

----------

Suzi (13-01-21)

----------


## Suzi

Massage chair sounds dangerous, not sure I'd ever get out of it lol 

Seriously chick, thank you.

----------


## Jaquaia

> hopefully more *genital* for your skin.


Sorry but  :(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## Stella180

Damn you auto correct!!!

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Sorry but


I was trying not to react, just sniggering quietly in my corner  :(rofl):

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  I didn't spot it! That's hilarious!

----------


## Stella180

It’s these filthy minded mods. You just can’t get the staff these days  :(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not the one who brought up genitals! :P:

----------


## Stella180

No auto correct did. I am the victim here lol

----------


## Suzi

Autocorrect... uh huh... I believe you....

----------


## Stella180

Pfft, wateva. 

I kinda fell down a YouTube sized rabbit hole this afternoon. These videos are so much fun.

----------


## Suzi

Glad you gave yourself some time and seemed to be kind to you....

----------


## Stella180

Woke up this morning and felt kinda confused. Didn’t even know what day of the week it was. Today it is a definite easy day.

----------


## Suzi

I checked my watch, it says it's Thursday...

----------


## Paula

Si asks me every day what day it is.......

How are you feeling, other than confused  :O:

----------


## Stella180

Just a bit out of sorts I guess. I managed to tidy up the hole I drilled yesterday when the cone drill bit arrived today so it’s a bit better now. I also get the new t-shirt I ordered. Just wish I had somewhere to go out and wear it.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry things aren't great today love. Well done for sorting the hole  :O: You could show us your new t shirt!

----------


## Stella180

Gonna go and have a long hot shower I think. The T-shirt is may be a bit predictable lol

Its a Superman tee but the. Logo has the autism awareness puzzle piece design.

----------


## Knowle

Did you manage to get your long, hot shower?

----------


## Suzi

That T-shirt sounds awesome - very you! 
Did you get your shower? I went for a lie down and feel much better than I did earlier!

----------


## Stella180

Yep I’m a lot less stinky now. Love my new T-shirt and yes it really is very me lol

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo! Well done love!

----------


## Paula

> Gonna go and have a long hot shower I think. The T-shirt is may be a bit predictable lol
> 
> Its a Superman tee but the. Logo has the autism awareness puzzle piece design.


Sounds awesome. I insist you wear it when I next see you (whenever that may be....)  :O:

----------


## Stella180

Need to sort dinner out but dunno what I want but I know I cba to cook. Not really got the funds for a takeaway, although that is tempting and nothing exciting in the fridge so it looks like being bread and cheese. 

Do you ever feel like the days are too long? Like get up and do stuff then chill for a bit, get some food and then your done. Just wanna go back to bed and start again tomorrow. Today is one of those days. Get up at 9am and by 4pm I want it to be over.

----------


## Flo

My favourite place is bed anyway! Days are definitely too long!

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:

----------


## Stella180

The difference 24hrs makes. I didn’t sleep well Saturday nights sleep and as I result I didn’t feel so good. Was medicated and in bed early last night and although a woke a few times I get a lot more steep than the night before and got up filled with energy. I’ve got one load of washing in the machine and another in the dryer, washing up done, microwave cleaned out after an explosion lol. Lately my dryer has been doubling up as my wardrobe so this morning I started sorting out all my clothes and next time I head upstairs I can take them up and start on my bedroom. May as well make good use of my additional energy.

----------


## Suzi

Wow! You've been so busy! Are you able to pace a bit?

----------


## Stella180

I’ve got a bedroom to sort out. Been putting it off for too long and I want to swap the beds around at some point but probably not today.

----------


## Suzi

Maybe doing it all in one day is a bit optimistic and is only going to end up in burnout or similar?

----------


## Stella180

Well I can now see the floor of my wardrobe which is a bonus and filled a bu bag with rubbish! Need to sort through my undies and throw a load away. Most of then are ripped or elastic gone. I like to make sure I get the mo set for my money haha. Second load is in the drier but gonna have a sit down and watch random crap on tv for a bit seeing how my back is protesting.

----------


## Paula

Sounds to me youve done more than enough for the day  :):

----------


## Suzi

i agree! Well done!

----------


## Stella180

I’ve been a naughty girl. I may have just gone on the Spurs shop page and spent £55 that I can’t really afford to spend.

----------


## Suzi

What did you buy? 

How are you today?

----------


## Stella180

A polo shirt and a hoodie both in the sale. Polo was half price and a tenner off the hoodie. Oh and there was a rain poncho for a fiver. Ideal for me to carry cos I rarely wear a coat so often get caught in a shower so I can just carry that in case off emergency so to speak.

----------


## Suzi

Fair enough!  :(rofl): 

What's on your agenda today?

----------


## Stella180

My Manic Monday is definitely over but not feeling too bad. Cleaners are due today so good excuse to hide in the bedroom, stick some tunes on and carry on sorting my room out. Its the one room of the house I wont let them go near. Its far from tidy or clean but its my sanctuary not to be tainted by the presence of others lol. I have to have somewhere safe to hide away.

It was strange last night. First time in months that I have closed the wardrobe doors. I know that sounds weird but this is me lol

----------


## Suzi

Well done on sorting your wardrobe. I'm loving the idea of just sticking some tunes on and doing something!

----------


## Stella180

I still have a load of stuff to sort out but so far I have counted 42 T-shirt/shirts. I think maybe that is a little excessive. I need to stop buying nerd shirts. 

The tidying/organising isn’t going to plan today. I’ve chucked out all of my tatty undies and a load of other rubbish. On my second bin bag of rubbish and one filled with clothes. I’ve spent more time sat on the edge of the bed browsing social media and singing along to the tunes. I need to start being brutal with throwing stuff out but it’s a struggle. I’m a bit of a hoarder and I don’t like giving up anything I might “need” later.

----------


## Paula

Sounds like youve achieved something today. Pacing the stress of giving stuff up with singing along to the tunes sounds sensible (and fun) to me

----------


## Stella180

I have got so many towels, bedding sets, socks, T-shirts etc. When I am struggling its easier to buy new stuff then sorting stuff out and putting a wash on. That probably sounds really lazy. I also have a habit of buying random stuff to try and lift myself up. The combination isnt good when adding in my reluctance to let stuff go.

----------


## Suzi

It doesn't sound lazy, it sounds like someone who's struggling....

----------


## Mira

In no way lazy Stella. I have a few days a year where I feel like the best I can be. On those days everything happens naturaly. I work around the house. Keep things clean and do everything almost like clockwork. But sadly most of the days I am not this way and I struggle to put stuff in the dishwasher.  I am actually happy to have read Paula's post that one time that said try to wipe the crumbs out of bed if changing the bedding is to much.

So dont get down on yourself for this. Be proud of the things you do manage.

----------


## Stella180

Today as a cba to get out of bed day. I’ve got loads of stuff to do but really not feeling it today at all. Currently having some epic puppy cuddles which is making is even harder to manna move.

----------


## Suzi

I'd love to be in bed, but so far we've done French and English...........

----------


## Stella180

Maybe you should be in bed?

----------


## Suzi

Lol, Physics now....

----------


## Stella180

argh! My phone isn't working again. touch screen is dead.Got back in touch with the insurance company and waiting for a reply. I've had issues intermittently since I got it back and put it down to the screen protector that was fitted. Anyway took the screen protector off and still having issues. powered it down and back on again and completely dead. Look it out of the case and noticed the screen wasnt fitted correctly and the bottom left corner isn't flush with the body.

Not a happy bunny at all! Of course with lockdown I don't know if or when I will be able to got it sorted out. Getting really sick of this.

----------


## Mira

Did they do a poor job repairing? I hate it when things like this happen. Because they are fast with stelling a new one but slow with this kind of problem. And the waiting  :(:

----------


## Stella180

Looks like it. I wasn't happy with the cheap screen they put in in the first place. My phone is my life. I use it for everything from making a call to turning my heating on. I've had to drag the laptop out to keep in touch with you guys. I just had a heart in mouth moment when my broadband just went down. That would've left me completely cut off from everyone.

----------


## Paula

B*gger

----------


## Suzi

Hope you hear soon love...

----------


## Stella180

I’ve managed to get it rebooted and backed up. It seems to be working again but still needs to be sorted out.

----------


## Suzi

It's just not a good enough service! Definitely complain and get it sorted. It's not exactly a cheap item...

----------


## Stella180

No. Not at all. They have passed it to the relevant dept and will get back to me about what happens next.

----------


## Mira

Lets keep our fingers crossed that at least things will get picked up fast.

----------


## Flo

Blasted technology! Fingers crossed. :(y):

----------


## Suzi

Have you heard anything from them? How are you today?

----------


## Stella180

No not yet. Just watching my emails. 

Have spent the past 25mins on hold. Trying to speak to someone about why my ESA payment hasn’t been made today.

----------


## Suzi

Oh no love... Hope it's sorted soon...

----------


## Stella180

Yeah well postman has just arrived with a brown envelope. The decision has been made that I am not eligible for PIP and my claim ended on 12th January. Not a single point issued!

----------


## Paula

Right, MR next. Did anyone look over your application with you?

----------


## Suzi

I know it doesn't help, but so many people are having the same experiences atm. MR with help and support?

----------


## Stella180

> Right, MR next. Did anyone look over your application with you?


Yes DIAL helped complete the forms. I’ve left them a message and waiting for a callback. Also waiting on DWP callback about where my ESA payment is. That’s going to be £120 short too now my PIP has stopped. At least I don’t have to worry about my cleaners moving stuff anymore cos I can’t afford to pay them.  :(:

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Strugglingmum

Sorry to hear that.

----------


## Suzi

I forgot DIAL helped with the forms. That alone should have given you some points. The whole thing is ridiculous.

----------


## Stella180

I broke down in tears on the phone with DIAL. I’ve worked out that I will be losing a whopping £719 every 4 was with other benefits attached to my PIP being lost too and leaving me with less than £150 a fortnight to live off. Last time I had benefit issues that went to appeal I had to give up everything including my dog. Just Talia’s medication, flea/worm treatment, and my Sky bill take up a third of the money I’ll have coming in! £200 left for food gas electric and water a month. I know I’m tight with money but it’s just not possible.

----------


## Mira

Oh no Stella, I am so sorry to hear that. Its enough to struggle with mental health but when this comes on top of it. I do not know how it works in the UK so I can not help in that way. It made me sad to read this. And I am in your corner.

----------


## Suzi

Are DIAL going to help sort this? It sounds like they must have missed so much off the form as you had 0 points...

----------


## Paula

Oh love, I wish I could help.... but from what I saw its like they were talking about a different person. If DIAL wont help, citizens advice?

----------


## Jaquaia

Don't worry about Talia, as I've said in private, she won't be going anywhere as we'll help. You did me and J a huge favour by taking her on so we could live together. If we can help with meds or food we will.

----------


## Flo

I'm afraid I can't be of much help as I don't know anything about the problem, but I'm sincerely sorry you're going through this....I hope the problem can be resolved. Something must be wrong somewhere.

----------


## Stella180

I just stupidly followed Talia outside in sliders. Safe to say I need to wash my feet. It’s a bit soft underfoot. Not a happy puppy and I mean me not Talia. 

I spent the afternoon in bed. The initial panic is under control and I am now in self preservation mode. Many thanks to everyone who had taken time from there day to put up with my crap, and a huge thank you to Jaq for her extended support regarding Talia. 

I admit I kinda freaked out a bit after what happened last time with Max. That was a different situation with a lot of similarities and I panicked. Talia has become such a huge part of my life and the thought of the same thing happening again scared the crap out of me. She is a different dog with different issues and I’m going to call the vet and discuss things with them “just in case”. I’m sure things will be fine and so long as I have my 4 legged girl I’m fine. She makes everything better and. She doesn’t wanna kill me every time I try to interact with her. Her condition doesn’t make her lash out due to pain. I just don’t want her to suffer because of me and my situation.

It’s cool, it’s under control. I’ve taken the time to compose myself and I have done all I can to sort this as best I can and I will be the practical thing to make this work out. I have to do the right thing and I can and will do this.

----------


## Jaquaia

She has had such a positive impact on you. You need to not be stubborn though and let us help if you need it, or I'm setting my mum on you!

----------

Suzi (22-01-21)

----------


## Mira

That would be enough to make me listen to Jaq. I am hoping you will have a good night sleep. It would be terrible if you were to have to be away from Talia. If I can help with anything I would like to do my best.

----------


## Paula

Youre awesome! Truly, truly awesome  :Kiss:

----------


## Flo

Do you have a PDSA hospital where you are - or in your nearest big town - only you may well qualify for free or low cost vet treatment. It's worth looking it up if you receive certain allowances.

----------


## Stella180

No Flo there is nothing around here.

----------


## Suzi

Morning gorgeous, how are you doing today?

----------


## Stella180

Not great. I’ve done nothing but sleep in the past 24hrs and that’s all I wanna do now but at the same time I’m feeling kinda restless.

----------


## Suzi

Oh love  :Panda:  Can you do anything positive for you today? What did DIAL say yesterday?

----------


## Stella180

Not a lot. They cant really help with a letter, or wouldnt cos the request for MR has already been made. They suggested a diary to log any difficulties I may have each day. Cant really do much til the report arrives. The letter yesterday took 9 days to get here so I doubt the report will be here anytime soon.

----------


## Suzi

But that's ridiculous, I don't understand why they can't help with some supporting notes explaining that you needed their help to complete the form in the first place... .

----------


## Stella180

I was in a bit of a state when I spoke to them. I’m going give myself a bit of time and then look at doing a letter loosely based around the ESA one you did a couple of years ago.

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Not great. I’ve done nothing but sleep in the past 24hrs and that’s all I wanna do now but at the same time I’m feeling kinda restless.


If you need sleep take it. You've had a shock and a trauma reaction. You need time to rest and let your body recover too.

----------


## Flo

> No Flo there is nothing around here.


There is another option. Some vets will allow people to pay off their bills in instalments. Might be worth phoning a few vets to find out, bearing in mind that veterinary work is a vocation and their prime purpose is to relieve the suffering of animals.

----------


## Stella180

I’m feeling a bit strange tonight. Mixed emotions for sure. My guts have been acting up all day and had a headache. Staring at a screen isn’t helping I really should be asleep but everything is spinning around in my head. Need to get myself straight so I can tackle this latest problem head on. It’s one more thing I could really do without. Clearly 2020 didn’t screw me over anywhere near enough so 2021 is punishing me too.

----------


## Paula

Did you get any sleep? How are you doing?

----------


## Suzi

I know that's how you feel love, but this isn't a punishment just for you - sadly so many people are having the similar experiences.. 

How are you today love?

----------


## Stella180

I’ll been better. I’m taking the weekend for myself and Monday gonna start on my MR letter and go through my medical notes and print off anything which is appropriate. I’m going to bombard them with everything I’ve got. I know they won’t bother reading any of it and it will go to tribunal but when it does it’ll be an easy decision for them to make cos it will prove that DWP don’t give a shit about the evidence in front of them.

----------


## Suzi

Good for you love!

----------


## Mira

Sounds like a great plan. I am not doing well but I kept thinking about how you are doing. So I am glad that you are taking this weekend for you.

----------


## Suzi

> Sounds like a great plan. I am not doing well but I kept thinking about how you are doing. So I am glad that you are taking this weekend for you.


Why not start a thread to talk about it? Or call your medical team for help if you need to...

----------


## Stella180

I’ll see how I go. I got a crash course in dealing with this crap from you and Paula last time around. See how I get on and might have to run it past one of you when I’m done.

----------

Suzi (24-01-21)

----------


## Mira

> Why not start a thread to talk about it? Or call your medical team for help if you need to...


My medical team is only there during office hours. And for other help it would have to be life threatening before they will help or come. And I tried help over the phone or chat and that made it worse.

Did not mean to hijack your thread Stella.

----------


## Suzi

Will be here as and when for you Stella..

----------


## Paula

Hows it going, love?

----------


## Stella180

I’m spending the day watching football and snuggling with my four legged friend. Went out for a drive in the snow this morning which was fun. We’ve got severe flooding in the city and now a few inches of snow on top makes things more difficult.

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're staying warm and safe love.

----------


## Stella180

I’m lay under a blanket on the sofa using Talia to keep my feet/legs warm.

----------


## Suzi

Sounds good to me!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Love puppy hugs... they are the best

----------


## Paula

> Im spending the day watching football and snuggling with my four legged friend. Went out for a drive in the snow this morning which was fun. Weve got severe flooding in the city and now a few inches of snow on top makes things more difficult.


I saw the flood on the news! Anywhere near you?

----------


## Stella180

Town centre is flooded I’m a couple of miles away on top of a big hill so I’m ok. The bus station is affected when flooding is bad so good job I’ve still got the car on the road for just over a week. MOT is up in Feb, and now my PiP has stopped it’s an expense I can’t afford. It’s not like I go anywhere other than shopping which is going to be tough now cos minimum order of £40 and £4.50 delivery is a lot of money when you ain’t got it and not exactly keen on the idea of using public transport anyway. I’ll figure something out.

----------


## Suzi

Is it likely to pass the mot? Mine's up next week  :=(:

----------


## Stella180

I don’t know to be honest but if it fails, it’s £35 (yep I even shop around for the best price MOTs) that is wasted and ins not a gamble I’m willing to take. That’s like half a weeks money at the moment. I have got some savings but with covid I don’t know how long it’ll take to sort this out and I’m also over due my ESA assessment so if they decide to do that and turn me down again I could be completely screwed. I’ve gotta send some stuff back I ordered before I found out about my claim so I can claw back a bit of money cos every penny counts right now.

----------


## Suzi

Oh love. Can you get some help and advice from the CAB or similar?

----------


## Stella180

> I saw the flood on the news! Anywhere near you?


Pic taken by my cousin today. https://ibb.co/C8QyxML

----------


## Paula

It looks so pretty but how devastating for everyone affected  :(: 

I second Suzi re contacting CAB, as you very well know. Worst outcome is they tell you they cant help, best they might actually be able to do something for you....

----------


## Stella180

I have a confession to make and I’m sure Paula is going to tell me off for this but I think I’m going to have to call the GP in the morning. 

I’ve been struggling with my chest for a while now, and initially I thought it was just because I’d not been using my inhaler. Anyway I starting making sure I was using it as prescribed and now 3 weeks later and I’m still not doing great.I’m not wheezing or anything but it just feels like I have a heavy weight on my chest (save the tit jokes) and it’s mildly uncomfortable to breathe. I’m getting out of breath easier too but I put that down to not getting enough exercise lately. Two things have changed over this time, one being the weather. This is the second time it’s snowed since Christmas and it’s been pretty cold and whether changes can affect my chest, it’s like I have a built in barometer lol. 

The other thing is I started using a humidifier with my CPAP and I’m actually wondering if that is contributing to the problem due to the room temperature differing from the air that I’m breathing? Back to the built in barometer thing again. I hate using my salbutamol  inhaler unless I am really struggling and I’ve been using it a fair bit recently, probably not as often as I should but I’m stubborn and try to get by without it. One of the reasons I’ve been reluctant to call the GP is the whole covid thing. I know this will probably sound mad but I’m scared with it being a respiratory thing there is some kind of procedural thing they will have to do which is pointless cos I’m reasonably confident it just cos I’m asthmatic and the NHS is stretched enough without me adding to the workload when people are in a much worse state and need the service more than I do. 

I also know that despite being in self preservation mode and functioning ok, I’m not in a good place mentally but speaking to the quack about it is pointless cos There is nothing they can do. I’m already on the waiting list for 1:1 counselling and I’m maxed out on meds that I don’t wanna change anyway so it feels pointless even mentioning it. I’ll be told to exercise and try online CBT. Ermmm, chest not great and CBT isn’t helpful.

----------


## Paula

Ermm ok, so I wont be telling you off. Mainly because you already know that you should have called the doctors (and used your inhaler) already. I will, though, if you dont call the doctor today  :O: . As for the procedural thing, they might get you to do a covid test but Ive had a few and theyre not as bad as you think theyll be. Its not pleasant but its over very quickly and you can do a home test if thats easier for you (and you promise to actually do it)..... Hunni, you are important and you need the NHS just as much as the next person

----------


## Suzi

I can't agree with Paula enough. Call the drs.

----------


## Stella180

I feel like I take more than enough from the service as it is. I got a callback not long ago. Good and bad news. They are giving me a course of prednisone which should help my chest but is likely to cause my blood sugars to spike and lower my immune system for several weeks which is just what you don’t want during a global pandemic.

----------


## Paula

But not taking it will be worse if you do pick up covid while your lungs are already compromised

----------


## Suzi

Glad that you've made the call. Take the meds, you need to give yourself chance to heal love....

----------


## Stella180

Catch 22 isn’t is. I’ve asked for the pharmacy to deliver cos my can’t get into the car. The doors are frozen shut. That means I can’t take my parcel to the post office so I will have to find a volunteer to do it for me.

----------


## Suzi

Glad you're getting them delivered love.

----------


## Stella180

Well I got my meds, 5 day course, and added to dosette box to make sure I don’t get confused. I’ve also been advised to use my daily inhaler 3 times a day instead of twice. 

I’ve spoken to my sister about everything and she offered me the use of her car if needed until the appeal is dealt with which was kind of her. I told her about my chest and the steroid side effects on my immune system and she has offered to help if I need anything so I’ve got options. She’s broken a windscreen wiper (?) so I’ve had to order her a new pair and she wants me to fit it tomorrow. I get all the best jobs lol.

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm glad you got sorted

----------


## Suzi

It's good that your sister is able to help love.. Take her up on that offer... Don't try to martyr through it....

----------


## Paula

She loves you hunni, accept her help  :Panda:

----------


## Stella180

Chest is feeling a bit crappy tonight. Hoping to dose off shortly though and get a good sleep. I can go to bed happy after Spurs won 1-4 even if the were dodgy for for 80 mins 3 scored 3 in the last 10mins. G’nite peeps.

----------


## Flo

Pleased you got your chest sorted. :(hi):

----------


## Paula

Did you sleep ok?

----------


## Stella180

Yeah not too bad. Struggling to find the motivation to get outta bed though. Last week of having the car on the road but I can’t go anywhere cos of being on the steroids, although with lockdown I’d only be able to go the shops anyway. Everything is starting to get me down now.

----------


## Suzi

Things have been getting you down for a while love, I don't think you've recovered from things with the boys etc before this has hit you... If there's anything I can do to help, shout. Are you taking your inhalers properly now?

----------


## Stella180

Oh yeah, have been since before Christmas but I kinda screwed up for a couple of weeks before that. Hoping the steroids work.

----------


## Stella180

> Things have been getting you down for a while love, I don't think you've recovered from things with the boys etc before this has hit you...


Been thinking about this since I read it. You’re right. I spend my whole life getting up after being knocked down and trying to move forward, shutting away all the difficult stuff that I can’t deal with in that moment and moving on the the next difficult situations that needs to be addressed. That is my life. It’s like wading out into the ocean, the water getting deeper and deeper until you can no longer touch the bottom and you’re treading water but then the waves get bigger and you get dragged under. Right now I’m tired and the sharks are circling.

----------


## Suzi

The thing is, I'm desperately cross for you, because you need some indepth counselling - you need to be able to unpack each bit of crap, sort through it and deal with it if you can. You have no support from any medical team, and you deserve some because you are so, so, so worth bothering with. I'm so cross that you've never had that chance....

----------


## Paula

Shes right, you know. No one could possibly deal with the crap you have without support....

----------


## Stella180

I did have that chance a few years ago. After 12 months of counselling I’d still barely scratched the surface. 

You did me a huge favour by raising the ASD question and encouraging me to chase up an assessment. No, I wasn’t keen on the idea and fought you every step of the way but my diagnosis has helped me to look at many things from my past differently and that alone lifted a huge weight however there are a lot of “what ifs” about such a late diagnosis too. 

My court date in March is being moved back because the most important report isn’t going to be ready in time. Awaiting further instruction so in limbo over that. So the past 6 days have been a blast. My benefits have been slashed, My immune system has been compromised during a global pandemic, and any progress on me being able to see my boys has been put on hold. FML

----------


## Paula

Things have changed, you might benefit more from counselling now ?

----------


## Suzi

But was that intensive counselling or psychotherapy? That's what Marc needed. He's still got a lot to work through, but it allowed him to breathe and to take some control back... 
There are loads of "what if's" but if anything it should help you to move forwards with more understanding and asking for more support....

Yes things have been tough, but hunni you can make things more positive in the future. You need to focus on you and actually PROPERLY looking after you. No more ditching the inhalers or taking wrong meds/doses etc because those are the things that you CAN control... I also know that you not taking them isn't down to stubbornness totally, I think it's a self harm thing that you need to address too...

----------


## Stella180

Ouch! I’ll take a few deep breaths and come back to that.

----------


## Suzi

It wasn't meant to be an ouch.... It was meant to be helping... I'm sorry...

----------


## Stella180

You actually think I’ve been screwing with my meds on purpose? To self harm? That’s not it at all. You don’t think it’s likely to be my mind being on overdrive and not being able to prioritise my meds properly. If I wanted to self harm I’d just take the  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ing lot but that’s not where my head is at right now and I’m doing all I can to keep it that way. I realised this morning that I managed to use my inhaler 3 times yesterday as instructed, but stupidly forgot my nighttime meds and when I woke up this morning and realised I was disappointed in myself. I’m trying so hard to get things right but everything is falling apart around me. I’m trying to plug the leaks but there are too many.

----------


## Suzi

It is something I was thinking, so yes... I think you don't take your inhaler or get medical help because you don't see yourself as being worthy of anyone giving you that time/space/bed which is self neglect which comes under the self harm umbrella - as does not eating properly etc etc... I'm telling you this because I've always told you I'd say it as I see it. I'm sorry if I've upset you, that wasn't my intention... 
You put this pressure on yourself to be perfect so much, yet you're more than enough as you are. - You are to me anyway... I just wished you saw you as I see you...

----------


## Stella180

I’m not doing any of this on purpose and yeah I’m pretty upset that you think that. I am trying my best to keep my head above water and I’m clearly not doing a very good job of it, so bad in fact you thing I’m sabotaging myself! Well that makes me feel loads better. Thanks  :(: 

On that note I’m going to take my meds and go to bed.

----------


## Suzi

I'm sorry... I actually don't think you've done anything on purpose -I genuinely don't think that you're even aware that it's happened in the past...

----------


## Paula

Hey, hunni, you know Suzi would never say anything with the intention of hurting you  :Panda:

----------


## Stella180

I know. I’m sorry for my reaction. I was kinda shocked and didn’t see that coming. No I’m not really looking after myself in the best possible way right now but I am genuinely trying.

----------


## Suzi

I think you are trying, but hunni you've put you at the bottom of the list for so long that you are now at the stage that you don't even know you are doing it.. I really think you need to focus on you and doing the basics for a while - even just taking your meds as directed, eating properly, drinking enough water etc...

----------


## Stella180

I still haven’t finished my MR letter. I only started it yesterday and just over half way through the daily living stuff. This really is hard for me but I’m determined to do it. Any of the forum “experts” able to look through it for me when it’s done please?

----------


## Paula

Of course. Are you using Suzis letter? If not, why not?

----------


## Suzi

Am happy to if you need someone else  :O:

----------


## Stella180

I’m going to send Suzi’s letter as well. I think I’m done now. Don’t feel comfortable with it but I trust you guys.

----------

Paula (28-01-21),Suzi (27-01-21)

----------


## Mira

I think that are 2 good points. That you did it and that you trusted them with helping  :Panda:

----------


## Flo

Re your meds....why don't you set your phone alarm that way you won't forget to take them!  We all forget at times.

----------


## Stella180

Flo, I have reminders. I have an app that tells me what meds to take, when time to take them and when to reorder. Unfortunately it is only as good as the information I put into it and if I don’t have my phone on silent which I do most of the time lately.

----------


## Flo

Oh well then!....naughty Stella! :(giggle):

----------


## Stella180

Having a mare of a time this evening. My sister came round to get her wipers a day late. I can't believe that nobody could do it for her in the household. It's so simple when I showed her she just laughed. I've been trying to print of documents and emails relating to my PiP appeal and the printer is acting up again so the time has come to put the new printer into action. Set up hasn't been short or plain sailing but it's now done and I'm having to start again with the printing. My desk is a complete mess and I don't know if I'm coming or going. For some reason I can't access my med files cos the password isn't being accepted.Hopefully I can contact the surgery in the morning and get it sorted.why is nothing ever simple?

----------


## Mira

What strikes me is that you use the expression: its so simple when I showed her she just laughed and then later: Why is nothing simple?

Seems like you did all you could and that is so good. I want to compliment that. The fact that you need to phone because the password is not being accepted is beyond your control and you did the rest. You did good!

----------

Strugglingmum (27-01-21),Suzi (28-01-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

To be honest I find nothing simple when it comes to car stuff, I can put petrol in and screen wash.... the rest I just dont get.
Yet put me in a hospital ward and tell me to set up drips, monitors, lines etc and no bother and I'll wonder why the drs find it so difficult. 
Each to our own strengths.  
Frustrating about the password but it cant be helped, it's not your fault. Hope you get it sorted in the morning

----------

Suzi (28-01-21)

----------


## Stella180

> What strikes me is that you use the expression: its so simple when I showed her she just laughed and then later: Why is nothing simple?


Because the windscreen wiper was her problem which I had to fix. When it’s something I need to do for myself it’s completely different and it’s always harder than it needs to be and that pretty much sums up my life.

----------


## Suzi

Everything related to ourselves is harder. I can write PIP forms for other people, yet when it comes to mine I struggle and have to get Marc to help... 

Maybe she could do it, but wanted an excuse to come and see you?

----------


## Paula

You did brilliantly yesterday. The password is an annoyance but can be dealt with. Have you rung the doctors yet this morning?

----------


## Stella180

Yep but gotta call back in a minute cos the person to help isn't in until 10am. I'll give her a chance to take her coat off, grab a cuppa and let her PC boot up.

----------


## Suzi

Have you heard anything about it yet?

----------


## Stella180

Yeah it was me being a dick last night and typing the password incorrectly. Feel incredibly stupid now but I’ve got copies of the stuff I wanted so it’s all sorted now. Just need to finish my letter and send it off. I think I’ve covered everything and then I think of something else I need to add. It’s so hard trying to break your life down to tell them how things are without all the things I was able to put into place to make it easier which is the exact reason I got the award in the first place. It’s like,  there you go, have some money to improve your life and then ok that worked let’s take it all away from you again and watch you fall apart. 

I know I’m unraveling and I’m trying so hard to keep it together. There are so many little mistakes happening, things that on their own is nothing major but when you put them all together it’s clear that I’m not coping as well as I could be.

----------


## Suzi

We've all done it, don't beat yourself up about it. In fact I do it regularly through the day/week.... If you keep adding bits, just print those off and show them how things work in your head atm... 

Tell them that you feel you're unravelling, tell them the mistakes and show them how things really are...

----------


## Paula

As Suzi says, they need to know how this is impacting you....

----------


## Stella180

Ive thrown all 27 pages of evidence into the envelope and sent it. I know they will just ignore it anyway and I could be adding things I think of for another week or more. The moment I popped it the postbox I thought of something else. By going into detail now it just means when I do get to the appeal court they will be able to view the information and see that the decision was very wrong. I was told by the assessor at the start that she didnt have all of the additional information and had to ask me for details of my meds (Id sent a prescription list) and according to DIAL she shouldnt have continued without all the information. Just gotta wait to be turned down which hopefully wont take too long so I can start the appeal process. I have to admit as horrible as this whole process is, its a little easier having gone through this process already with ESA in 2017/18 because I know what to expect.

I actually feel quite accomplished having tackled the letter by myself. Yes it took me 3 days, a lot of mess and stress and probably missing a lot of stuff but I did it without a complete meltdown.

----------


## Suzi

You should feel accomplished! It's a difficult thing you've done!

----------


## Mira

Damn right. Its something to be proud about!!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Well done you. I certainly would be in a mess tackling it.

----------


## Stella180

Oh trust me SM, it’s not been easy and I may have taken Suzi’s lead, if she hadn’t written something first so I had something to work from I probably wouldn’t have known where to start. 

Have spent most of the afternoon sleeping. Woke up just after 6pm had dinner, and now back in bed again watching football. I could quite happily go straight back to sleep again. I’m frazzled.

----------

Suzi (28-01-21)

----------


## Suzi

I'm not surprised you're frazzled, you've been dealing with a lot of stuff and emotions.. I'm proud of you.

----------


## Stella180

Thought I would share this cos I know it might be from an ADHD page but this is a genuine struggle for many people with mental ill health. This is a huge problem for me and I can’t tell you how many times I have found myself sat in the middle of a room in tears because I’m so overwhelmed, or just retreated to bed cos everything is just too much for me to deal with and I have to take myself away from it all.

http://adhd-alien.com/2019/07/16/executive-dysfunction/

----------


## Suzi

I relate so much to that....

----------


## Stella180

It sucks big time. I hate it and I’d argue that’s it the biggest hurdle for me in my life. Trying to decide how to try and combat the problem. Just cos you can do something one day doesn’t mean you can do it again the next day.

----------


## Flo

I think everything you've done is quite amazing. I couldn't even attempt it and I know I'd go into meltdown on page one! Well done.

----------


## Suzi

You're completely right. I've seen Marc and Ben both really struggle with it this week. Me? Absolutely, and that's another reason Marc thinks I have ADHD lol That's why pacing is really important (and a work in progress for me... I am trying, but don't often get it right...) It's something that we talked a lot about in the IMPACT and the meditation courses that I did. It seems to impact so many people with so many disabilities... 

How are you doing today?

----------


## Stella180

Had a disturbing dream last night but it’s fading now as dreams do but the feelings are still there. I’ve eaten breakfast, and now cuddled up with Talia watching a dvd.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry you had a crappy night, I sympathise. Can you be kind to you today? You deserve (and probably need) a couple of days to get over everything you've done doing your MR...

----------


## magie06

I'm just catching up. Oh my you've had such a rough few months of it. You've done so much to help yourself over the last few days. You are not a waste of time, all forms that come into this house, G deals with them. Last week I needed to call the school to say our WiFi would be out. The principal asked me what we were getting in, and I wasn't able to help her. Because we changed the WiFi, all the devices needed to be changed to the new password. Had I a clue? Not on your Nelly.

----------


## Stella180

Hey Magie, yeah it’s been tough and I’ve got a long way to go yet before any sign of it getting better which sucks but I have Talia for cuddles and you guys here for support so I’ll live.

----------

Flo (04-02-21),magie06 (03-02-21),Paula (03-02-21),Suzi (03-02-21)

----------


## Paula

Morning, love, how did you sleep?

----------


## Suzi

How are you feeling today love?

----------


## Stella180

I was still awake at 5am. For some reason I was fascinated by Brad Mondo videos and searching for weird gadgets on eBay IDK, just one of those nights where my brain wouldn’t switch off. Woke up about 10 but I’m not overly tired.

----------


## Suzi

Just googled Brad Mondo... Interesting choice overnight lol You planning on getting tips and taking up your own hair styling business? 
What gadgets? 

What've you got planned for today?

----------


## Stella180

I really have no interest hair styling but his reaction videos about people colouring their hair is quite amusing. The gadgets were useless time and space saving home accessories, the kind you buy cos it looks useful and then sits in a drawer for decades unused lol

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):   :(rofl):   :(rofl):  - I've just told Hazel and she's ridiculously excited. She's a fan. Apparently his reactions to America's Top Model are hilarious!

----------


## Stella180

Hey I’m down with the cool kids lol. You should check him out.

----------


## Suzi

I might not get a choice lol..

----------


## Stella180

He is is really cool and kinda cute too in a totally gay way.

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  Hazel seems to like very camp guys and drag queens! lol

----------


## Strugglingmum

Brad Mondo got me through lockdown number 1!!

----------


## Flo

I shall definitely look him up!

----------


## Suzi

Morning love, how are you today?

----------


## Stella180

I’ve spent most of the past 16hr asleep and still be asleep if the Pharmacy delivery guy hadn’t rung the doorbell.

----------


## Paula

You obviously need it. Any plans for today?

----------


## Stella180

Yeah tidy up this shithole I call a home.

----------


## Suzi

Lovely to see you and speak to you today!  :):

----------


## Stella180

You too Suzi, and Paula. We need to make this a regular feature. 

My guts are acting up again this afternoon. Not good. I grabbed something to eat after chatting with you guys and just went upstairs to bed and listened to some music. Talia came upstairs and dropped her guts to let me know she needed to go out. I’m sure there are other ways to get the message across that smell less like a cabbage farm lol. Back on the sofa for cuddles now so still not sorted the house.

----------


## Jaquaia

That's one thing I don't miss!!!  :(rofl):

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  Crash did such a loud fart earlier it stopped me in my tracks! It was hilarious watching him look around for the culprit!  :(rofl):  The smell wasn't so fun though!

----------


## Stella180

I’ve done something reckless. I’ve ordered a take away. Admittedly it was from Asda Kitchen and will probably keep me fed all day but £13 is a lot of money right now to be chucking at junk food.

----------


## Suzi

I think that everyone deserves a treat now and again...

----------


## Stella180

Pizza sides and a drink plus a Belgian bun for a tenner. I’m stuffed now and loads left over. I’ve run out of soft drinks so opened a beer that’s been sat in my fridge for a couple of weeks and really not enjoyed it so back to plain water. Gonna watch the rest of the England game and then go upstairs to bed. Not feeling so great today and a bit guilty about the take away. My sister grabbed me some stuff while she was out and didn’t charge me for it which was very kind of her. I need to borrow her car to give blood on Tuesday. I probably shouldn’t really but it’s been a while since I last donated.

----------


## Stella180

Scrub that. Called about my donation and I’ve been told I can’t donate and someone will be in touch in April. I was kinda looking forward to escaping the house for an hour and free tea and biscuits. Need to stop being so honest cos every time I get rejected. 

Spending the evening lay on the bed in the dark, headphones on and soul classics coming through loud and clear. Otis Redding, Aretha Franklin, Marvin Gaye to name a few artists.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry you can't donate love.. There's a reason why you can't - you need to be honest love, it's to keep you safe. 

Sounds like an epic playlist.

----------


## Stella180

It’s a great playlist to chill. Might have to share a few tracks with you all.

----------

Suzi (06-02-21)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Sounds amazing to chill to

----------


## Paula

I know how it feels, the first time I was told I couldnt donate was hard. But Suzis right, whatever the reason its for your benefit. And at least you didnt turn up there to be turned away....

----------


## Stella180

That’s happened before. I admitted that me mood hadn’t been good and they refused to let me give blood because apparently donating can cause a drop in mood and if you’re not good mental to start they won’t take the risk. I’ve been stopped due to med changes too. It’s pretty frustrating especially when I have “special” blood that is needed for neonatal wards.

----------


## Paula

My mum has that special blood too, and shes been turned away too. But she knows shes done everything she can to donate when she can. And so have you

----------


## Suzi

I've never been able to give blood as mine. When I asked my last GP I got this as a reply: "so special I'm not sure how it's keeping you alive, I'd certainly not want to risk it in anyone else" .....

How are you today love?

----------


## magie06

I got to 21 donations before I was told I'd have to give up. They are protecting you and potential recipients

----------


## magie06

How are you?

----------


## Stella180

Not great but I’ve been worse.

----------


## magie06

Sleep? Diet? Drinking water? Getting some exercise?

----------


## Stella180

Sleep is all over the place, eating and drinking ok, not enough energy for exercise. I’ll get myself back on track somehow.

----------


## Stella180

Looks like tonight is another bad night where sleep is concerned. Got my headphones on playing some tunes. Might switch to an audio book cos they usually help my to dose off. Fingers crossed.

----------


## Paula

Did you get any sleep? How are you doing?

----------


## Flo

I was just going to ask the same thing! what a miserable night you had!

----------


## Stella180

Yeah I slept eventually.

----------


## Suzi

How are you?

----------


## Stella180

Tired. Low.

----------


## Suzi

Want to talk about what's going on in your head?

----------


## Stella180

Right this very minute I’m frustrated with myself. For the second time this week I have attempted to cook myself a decent meal, and twice I have burnt the potatoes. Add that to the food I put in the microwave and forgot to eat I’m feeling pretty damned useless.

----------


## Suzi

Stop, and start again. What are you trying to cook?

----------


## Stella180

It doesn’t matter now, I managed to salvage something. I’m just really annoyed with myself.

----------


## Suzi

I can understand that. Most things I've touched today I've dropped or made a mess of! Hunni, you have so much going on in your head that things are going to get missed lovely... Please try to be kind to you...

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Stella180

It’s just so hard not to feel like a failure when I keep messing up the simple thing. I set 3 alarms plus the cooker timer today and still ended up letting the pan boil dry! I’m trying to address these things to avoid making mistakes but still I end up being distracted and screwing things up and I’m sick of it. I’m a walking disaster zone.

----------


## Suzi

What things are you getting distracted by?

----------


## Stella180

That’s the thing, it could be anything. It’s not a conscience choice I’m just not able to keep my focus on anything lately so find my self flitting from one thing to another and I don’t even remember all of it. I’ve always struggled maintaining focus when my heads not in a great place. It’s like I’ve gone back in time to the struggles of a few years ago just without the extreme mood swings and emotional outbursts.

----------


## Suzi

OK then let's keep it simple... Keep talking. Is this because you aren't able to go out or is it something different?

----------


## Paula

Can you simplify tasks to make it less likely theres a problem? Just while your mind is full of more important things? Eg, rather than boiling potatoes, can you do jackets in the microwave? Then, if youre distracted, the microwave will stop anyway so you cant overlook things?

----------


## Stella180

After leaving the soup I heated in the microwave the other day, even that’s not a guaranteed solution. It’s not just cooking. I’m almost scared to do anything cos I keep messing everything up. I do the washing up and the moment I Chuck the water away and find more stuff somewhere else that I’d forgotten about. Same with the laundry, missing stuff out of the wash or putting stuff in the dryer that I shouldn’t have done. I’m trying to keep my head above water but I’m struggling.

----------


## Suzi

I do those things all the time too... Sweetheart can you do something to help calm your mind a bit? Mindfulness? Meditation? T'ai Chi?

----------


## Stella180

I just feel so useless. 45 yrs old and still unable to look after myself as well I need too. It’s frustrating because I know I am capable of doing these things properly. As individual tasks they are not difficult. I’m not stupid so why do I make a pigs ear of everything? Why do I make so many silly avoidable mistakes? I hate that I’m unraveling the the harder I try to stop myself completely falling apart the worse it gets and the bigger failure I become and the more I hate myself. I end up shutting down and not doing anything which is harmful in itself cos there is no one around to pick up the slack.

----------


## Paula

But these things are all understandable, forgivable and, much as you wont believe me, they dont matter. What matters much, much, much more is that you stop beating yourself up over the little things. So, you left soup in the microwave. The world did not fall apart. You didnt wash up every mug. Youve got other mugs, Im sure! The only thing that worries me is that you are being so mean to yourself because of the small stuff.....

----------


## Suzi

Paula's right. You're going to struggle until at least one area of the things you are waiting for becomes resolved - be it the MR, you getting the vaccine and able to go out a bit more, the situation with the boys..... Etc... Maybe you need to learn to be kinder to you whilst at least something gets sorted...

----------


## Stella180

But until I go to appeal regarding PiP cos let’s be honest, MR is simply a stalling tactic on their part cos they won’t change their minds voluntarily, I can’t get the cleaners in or the car back on the road. I’m scared that I’ll lose that battle. I’m scared I won’t get to see my kids again. So many things are in the hands of complete strangers and I can’t do anything now to make a difference other then in my own home, looking after myself and I’m not doing a great job of that. All I wanna do is sleep and even that eludes me on occasion. I spend most of my days either in bed or lay on the sofa staring at my phone or the tv and I don’t even want to do anything else. Well I do but I don’t feel able to itms. I’m totally fed up with this life. I’m sick of having to fight for every little thing. I’ve had enough. I want it to be over.

----------


## Suzi

And trying to do anything with all of that going round and round in your head is f*cking hard. 

Can you try to build in doing things - what about things like your paracord makes or cards? Something that can help you focus on one thing at a time?

----------


## Paula

Im making a pigs ear of everything just because my living room is all messed up. Im not dealing with anything like you are - Be. Kind. To. You!

----------


## Stella180

I’m pretty sure I should be asleep at this hour rather than updating the info on my medication reminder app. At least it’s all up to date again now. It’s only taken me 8 days to do it  :(:

----------


## Suzi

Did you get any sleep?

----------


## Stella180

Yeah I did, about 5 hrs. Got a stinking headache today. One grumpy Stella.

----------


## Suzi

What's on your plan today?

----------


## Stella180

Nothing. Too tired and miserable to do anything.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  What can I do to help?

----------


## Stella180

Nothing you can do. Today I’m going to have to push myself a bit harder I think to at least get some housework done and then many I will feel better about my surroundings and achieve something.

----------


## Suzi

Just don't decide to sort the whole of it, please try to make it achievable...

----------


## Paula

What room would make the biggest difference for your MH? Can you just focus on doing something in that room? Clearing? Hoovering? But nothing more itms?

----------


## Stella180

Dodgy tummy stops play. It sucks.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:   :(bear):  Sorry love, it does suck...

----------


## Stella180

Does anyone have any idea what day it is any more? I’ve decided that today I’m going to get the covers off the sofa and get them washed along with the dogs bed. Later both me and the snuggle pup are having a shower cos the pair of us stink to high heaven. There are tons of other things that need to be done but today is not the day. I’m already knackered just filling the washing machine and turning it on. 

I slept through the night til about 6am. Spent the morning playing games on my phone and having cuddles with Talia. Dozed off for 30 mins before kicking myself up the arse to do something productive before head back to my bed again. I feel so tired lately all of the time. No energy to do anything and no motivation either. I know what your going to say before you say it and all I ever seem to do is rest and it doesn’t help. I’m so fed up with my existence.

----------


## Paula

Well done for getting the washing machine on.I think that, plus the shower, is more than enough for today.

----------


## Suzi

Have you put the stuff from the washing machine into the drier? (Just a reminder as I know Marc and I often forget lol)

----------


## Stella180

Yep it’s been dried and back where it belongs. The dog is clean so now it’s my turn. Only taken me all day.

----------


## Suzi

Hey showering dogs take forever to work up to! I think you've done better than you think you have love...

----------


## Paula

I agree - I couldnt even face frontlining my two earlier ...,,

----------


## Stella180

Talia loves bath times. It’s so funny watching her snapping at the water. She’s a daft bugger.

----------


## Suzi

Awww! 

How are you today?

----------


## Stella180

I’m ok I think. Only been awake for an hour and trying to drag my arse outta bed instead of going back to sleep. I’m got a ton of washing up that has piled up over the past couple of days so that needs sorting before it gets outta control. Might even got my craft desk organised so I can make a few cards to stock up on. That’s going to be a challenge cos it’s a proper mess and I get stressed out over it.

----------

Suzi (18-02-21)

----------


## Paula

You sound a little brighter. Are you?

----------


## Stella180

Not really. Still not made it downstairs other than letting Talia out. Covid jab is booked for next Saturday. Not sure how I feel about that still but I guess it needs to be done.

----------


## Suzi

So glad you've got your vaccination booked love. Well done for letting Talia out... How are you doing now love?

----------


## Paula

Im so glad youre getting your jab. It is the right thing but I know how youve struggled with it ....

----------


## Stella180

I’m still not convinced that it can be called a vaccine when it only mutes the symptoms rather that prevent infection. 

Just wondered why my stomach was rumbling and realised I’m not eaten yet today. I suppose I better rectify that.

----------


## Paula

Thats what most vaccines do. Its to make your body fight better if you do get infected

----------


## Suzi

Those I know who have had it with and without the vaccine has a massive difference in how badly they are affected and how quickly they get over it too.... I'm hoping I can have mine soon...

----------


## Stella180

Well as I said I’ve booked myself in and it’s happening a week on Saturday, I’ve called my sister to get her to take me to the surgery. She’s not in a great place today which is understandable. My brother’s partner has been in touch with her and my nephew called her to see how she was doing today too. Yet again nobody stopped to think about me and how I was coping. No surprise there and I should be used to it by now but it still hurts being left out. I know I wasn’t really involved in my brothers life for a long while but that doesn’t mean I didn’t care about him. It doesn’t mean that I don’t feel the loss.

----------


## Suzi

It doesn't mean that at all, I'm sorry that no one contacted you love. You deserve better. 

How are you today love?

----------


## Stella180

I’m not great. Spent the morning lazing around playing games on my phone and snuggling with Talia.she really does give the best cuddles.

----------


## Suzi

What can you do which will be positive for you?

----------


## Stella180

I just received a letter from the hospital regarding the “Psychological Skills Course” they told me about back in June/July of last year. They have finally sorted the online platform. A YouTube channel. Yep, after an 8 month wait I get to watch a Youtube video at home. Alone. No support. An absolute waste of bloody time. 

So this afternoon will involve watching the first video when I’m not watching the snooker.

----------


## Paula

Oh no, I hope its better than you think its going to be....

----------


## Stella180

I can’t imagine it possibly being any worse. I contacted them a few weeks ago stating I’d not heard anything and didn’t even get a callback and now I get this. I’m still awaiting counselling, this is supposed to be a stop gap while on the waiting list but after having to wait 8 months for a link to a Youtube channel I’m really bloody annoyed.

----------


## Suzi

I'd be annoyed too. Can you contact them and see what else is going on that you can have?

----------


## Stella180

Oops. My alarm just went off for my bedtime meds and I realised I’ve not had dinner yet. 2 apples and a few biscuits is all I’ve had today  :(:

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni... 

How are you today?

----------


## Stella180

Upset. A 9 year old boy died on Thursday under “suspicious circumstances” as was reported in the local newspaper. A man and woman have been arrested, him for murder and her for neglect, presumably the mother and her partner however that wasn’t confirmed. Anyway, that wasn’t what upset me. It was the hideous comments that have been left on the mother’s FB page. How they didn’t “breach Facebook policy” I do not know but they were left for this woman’s friends and family and the world to see. Still nobody knows the full facts but people think it’s perfectly ok to write these awful things and Facebook have done nothing about it. So much for their algorithms. I crack a joke with the word b!tch in it and get a 30 day ban but someone making death threats is perfectly acceptable. I am really really beginning to hate social media and what it does to people.

----------


## Flo

I quite agree! :(devil):

----------


## Paula

Perhaps it would help you if you unfollowed all those groups and pages that are going to trigger you? I rarely actually read the comments on my local newspapers page as I know Im going to be upset by what is said. Just a thought to maybe reduce your risk of being triggered?

----------


## Stella180

Its the way of the world though isn’t it? People use social media as a weapon, to attack and bully people they’ve never met over things they know nothing about and think it is their right to be able to stick their nose into someone else’s business and that their opinion trumps all others. The internet was a great invention allowing us to connect the world over, to meet live minded people and make new friends we might never have known before but instead of being a i great tool of knowledge and positive connections it is increasingly becoming a much darker place and turning otherwise good people into monsters.

----------


## Suzi

Some people are just hideous and think it's fine to sit behind the keyboard and type wtf you want with no consequences....

----------


## Paula

I agree, but I choose to protect myself by not going down those rabbit holes. Probably cowardly but I just cant deal with it

----------


## Stella180

The problem with your strategy Paula, which may well work for you, is my whole life is literally online. My support structure is online, my social interaction is online. I don’t have people in the real world, especially now, to interact with. If I started shutting myself off from the ASD groups, local news, etc. I’d be limiting myself even further. Everybody here, with the exception of Mike, has family and loved ones for company throughout lockdown but when you have no one it’s so much harder. I’m just grateful to have Talia but it’s not the same as having human company ever if it is via a keyboard and screen.

----------


## Suzi

You're right, it is very different if you are living alone...

----------


## Paula

Fair point

----------


## Stella180

I’m having pain in my hand today, just before the wrist, thumb and index finger area, possibly arthritis affecting my trapezoid joint. It especially sucks as it is my right hand. It’s only a small niggle but so frustrating cos it affects everything I do from sending a text to opening a screw top lid/packet of crisps or squeezing a ketchup bottle. Think I’ll apply some Ibugel and have an early night with my headphones on and enjoy some tunes. That at least won’t hurt.

----------


## Suzi

You're really quiet atm. I know it's a horrible time full of anniversaries, but you know we're here for you I hope...

----------


## Stella180

I know you are but I’m ok. Well, maybe not great but there’s not really much to say about it. My relationship with my family has always been a bit...complicated I guess is the best way to put it, but I still loved them and miss them.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Morning lovely. Thinking of you today.

----------


## Stella180

Today I got 3 letters. One was a hard copy of the work book for the online psych course. If anyone is interested in the links to the course just ask. The second was telling me I’m under house arrest until 31st March, and the third was telling me to book my covid jab, which I did last week and I’m getting stabbed Saturday midday. 

Another 5 weeks at least, without human interaction. Whoopie do! My eldest lads birthday is on 24th March so any chance I had of meeting up with him is definitely off the table not that it was likely to happen anyway. Just learned that my sister called and then went to see them this week as she was working nearby. They didn’t even ask about me. You have do idea how much that hurts.

----------


## Paula

Im sorry, love  :Panda:

----------


## Strugglingmum

What course is it you are doing?? 
I did one online during first lockdown..... I think it was The decider..... I just remember the big breath and STOP.

----------


## Stella180

Psychological Skills course. It looks like a basic CBT based thing, which it a joke considering the last group therapist made a note that CBT is more of a trigger to me and should be avoided but these days CBT is the go to solution for everything. It’s so annoying because if I had a bad reaction a form of medication they would make sure not to give it to me again but when is comes to mental health services they don’t care and keep forces CBT down your throat regardless of the consequences.

----------


## Paula

I really, really hope that its so much more than youre worried it will be. Resources are hugely limited right now so youve probably be put on the course they have available atm, but you deserve to have support thats actually going to help you. I know youll put everything you can into this...

----------


## Suzi

I'm sorry about D going to see the boys love. Did you know she was going? 

I got the shielding letter and covid fab invitation yesterday too. 
How are you today love?

----------


## Stella180

No I didn’t know. She called them when she found out she was going to be working nearby. She pointed out how grown up Martin was and how is voice has changed and sounds he like a grown man, he’s doing great and asked her if she could go visit and go for a socially distanced walk with him. No mention of me what so ever. It’s great that they at least have some contact with someone from my side of the family but it really hurts so bad that it can’t be me. I’m their mother and I accept my failings in that role in the past but I love those boys with all my heart and miss them both so much.

----------


## Suzi

Oh love, I genuinely don't have words to say how much I want to grab hold of you for a hug right now...

----------


## Stella180

Today I get my covid jab. 

If vaccines really do cause autism, does that mean that today I get an upgrade? Lol

----------


## Suzi

Super autism is already one of your superpowers! How'd it go?

----------


## Stella180

Got there early and went straight through, was asked if I had COPD (cos of having mask exemption) got jabbed even got a sticker!!! Was over in about 2 minutes and I was out the door. No reactions as of yet to see how it goes.

----------


## Paula

Well done  :):

----------


## Suzi

Yay! Glad that it has been done and sorted!

----------


## Stella180

Just spent the last 2 hours on the phone with one of my Aspie friends. He’s a lovely lad and had a few issues himself decently. We chatted about Marvel and DC and anime and family and work and mutual friends. It feels good to talk random crap about stuff and smile about it.

----------


## Flo

Good. Happy banter with friends is just what you need at the moment to lift your spirit. It's good for all of us. Have a better day today.

----------


## Suzi

So glad you had a good chat with him love.

----------


## Stella180

Does anyone else have issues with there sense of smell? A few times now I thought I could smell things that weren’t there. This evening is a classic example. Doors and windows closed, I’m a non smoker but I can smell tobacco

----------


## Suzi

Sometimes... There have been times we can smell Marc's Nan's perfume, but she passed away years ago etc...

----------


## Flo

Yes, sometimes I can smell my mum's perfume...weird isn't it?

----------


## Suzi

Morning love, how are you today?

----------


## Stella180

Ok. I was hoping in be a bit more motivated today as I have lots to do.

----------


## Flo

What's on the agenda then?....I hardly slept a wink last night, I think I twisted a muscle in my back...so up at 4.45am. Stripped the bed, sheets on the line...made 6 trays of flapjacks (hate doing them) hoovered through....oh, and made a large tray of Rocky Road...been up the shop. Now I'm knackered and it serves me right for not leaving spaces between chores! Don't forget to have a drink between each job! Don't be a silly moo like me! :(giggle):

----------


## Stella180

Well so far I’ve managed to sort my meds (which I should have done yesterday), I need to do some washing up as I’ve not done any all weekend. General tidy up in the living room and run the hoover and mop over it. I could do with changing my bedding too. I’m eager to try out my ice cream maker and I could really use a shower. Oh and I need to put the bins out.

----------


## Suzi

Ice cream maker? Go you!  :):  Frozen bananas blended make great ice cream  :O:

----------


## Stella180

Well I got as far as going up stairs and instead of changing the bedding I ended up getting into bed so I have achieved nothing this afternoon.

----------


## Suzi

Why did you go back to bed rather than doing something different?

----------


## Flo

Ice cream maker? Fantastic.....I'd love one. Maybe I could make salted caramel IC...I think I must be the only person in Somerset who hasn't had salted caramel! ...Not to worry abut the H/Work....there's always tomorrow.

----------


## Stella180

I didn’t bother with the ice cream in the end last night wasn’t in the mood. 

It’s taken me a while to get going this morning. I woke up at 6.30 but didn’t get outta bed until half an hour ago. Determined now to get at least a couple of things on my list checked off. Sorting a month of meds fills my waste paper bin. Not sure you needed to know that but still lol. Anyway, bins are out and washing up in progress. I’ve made a plan of how to tackle the living room and a load of washing in the machine for later once I’ve showered so what I’m wearing can go in too.

----------


## Paula

Well done, love

----------


## Suzi

How's it going? Well done on getting a list together. Can you pace through it?

----------


## Stella180

Not got at far as maybe I should have. Got sidetracked watching The Gifted. After this episode I need to get back to it.

----------


## Suzi

You've still done more than staying in bed and doing nothing  :O:  You're awesome.

----------


## Stella180

I’m finally getting around to my first attempt at making ice cream. I’ll let you know how it tastes a bit later.

----------


## Suzi

Hope you love it. What flavour are you making first?

----------


## Stella180

Just vanilla this time but might make some chocolate at the weekend. It was ok, a bit too sweet for my taste so might adjust the recipe accordingly for the next batch.

----------


## Suzi

Yum! Sounds like you can play around and make some lovely ice cream!

----------


## Stella180

Well it’s easy enough. milk eggs, caster sugar, cream and/or chocolate and vanilla essence. Mix it up, bung it in bowl and switch on the machine and about half hour later you have something that resembles Mr Whippy ice cream. I found a real easy recipe for 3 ingredients chocolate ice cream that doesn’t need a machine - double cream, condensed milk and cocoa powder. Chuck it in a bowl, hand mixer, in the freezer, job done. Even I can’t mess that up lol.

----------


## Suzi

Lol! Or you can use frozen bananas and some icing sugar and flavourings  :O:

----------


## Stella180

Even easier but why would you need icing sugar? Are the bananas not already high in sugar? I might have to give that a try. Make banana ice lollies.

----------


## Paula

So, you got yourself a machine then found recipes where you dont need the machine?  :(giggle):

----------


## Stella180

Different types of ice cream  :O:

----------

Paula (13-03-21)

----------


## Suzi

How are you today lovely?

----------


## Stella180

I’m still in bed. Talia thought it a good idea to jump up on the bed to give me lovely cuddles and fell asleep on me. I really don’t want to move her cos I’m loving the cuddles.

----------


## Suzi

Glad you're having lovely puppy cuddles!

----------


## Stella180

This is going to sound a bit silly maybe but I am seriously struggling with my hair. Obviously hair has grown quite a bit over lockdown for all of us but mine has reached a length where it is over my ears and tickles me, not in a fun way, and is driving me crazy. Another of those little things that build up and make me want to explode.

----------


## Paula

Doesnt sound silly at all, mine is driving me round the bend.

----------


## Suzi

As is mine!

----------


## Stella180

Is that down to your ADHD Suzi lol

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):   :(rofl):

----------


## Stella180

I’ve just had an hour of self care lay on the bed with my cans on, eyes closed and enjoying the tunes while Talia snuggled up with me. I was hoping in would help my to relax fully and although sensually it felt good I’m still a bit tense. I had to let her ladyship out for a wee and put her dinner out and was nice to hear the birds singing outside. I’ve got food in the house but nothing I actually want to eat so don’t know what to do.

----------

Suzi (13-03-21)

----------


## Suzi

Yay for self care! 
Hope you do decide on something to eat lovely!

----------


## Stella180

I don’t even know what it is I actually want to eat, I just know I don’t have it in the house. Nothing nice to drink either. Craving some fruit juice but haven’t got any no point asking my sister to get me anything. She doesn’t like to go out after dark if she can help it. Living alone and shielding is bloody miserable.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:   :(bear):   :Panda:  I'm sorry love....

----------


## magie06

How are you?

----------


## Stella180

Hey there Magie, a better question is how are you? 

I’m currently 3/4 of the way through the Snyder Cut of Justice League and apparent from Barry Allen still not being even slightly amusing it is awesome!

----------


## Suzi

OO that's on my watch list too  :O:

----------


## Paula

Si watched it the other day and loved it. Im not a huge fan of Justice League so couldnt face 4 hours....

----------


## Stella180

Oh Paula I promise you it is well worth the watch. This is the movie they should’ve released 4 years ago. It is easily on a par with Avengers End Game. The 2017 release is like a glorified trailer cos the best bits were left on the cutting room floor.

----------


## Paula

But I hate Batman, and am not a fan of Aquaman. Im not sure even Henry Cavill could tempt me

----------


## Stella180

It’s definitely worth it. I didn’t totally hate the 2017 version, but this one is a million times better.

----------


## magie06

I've never got into any of those movies either. Just not my thing.

----------


## Stella180

Something you might not know about me but I kinda like Superman  :O: 

I may have accidentally knocked up a batch of chocolate ice cream.  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

How's the ice cream? 
You like Superman? I'd never have known!

----------


## Stella180

Ice cream is in the freezer. After licking the bowl clean I can say that it tastes very nice.

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  Recipe?

----------


## Stella180

Oh this was the really basic one. 

600ml double cream
397g sweetened condensed milk 
3 tablespoons of cocoa powder. 

Whip up the cream to soft peaks, add condensed milk and cocoa powder and fold in with the cream. Transfer to suitable container and stick it in the freezer. Job done. Doesn’t get much easier than that, I’m trying a few different recipes to find my favourite.

----------


## Suzi

OO sounds delicious  :O:

----------


## Paula

And....... heart attack. But what a way to go  :O:

----------


## Suzi

How are you today?

----------


## Stella180

Not great. 17 years ago today my first child entered the world. I’d give anything to be able to celebrate his birthday with him.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

I wish there was something I could do or say to make it easier for you.  :(bear):   :(bear):   :(bear):

----------


## Stella180

I’m getting lots of Talia cuddles which is about as good as it gets right now.

----------


## Suzi

Thinking of you. Glad you have Talia x

----------


## Stella180

Had a couple of calls this morning. One from the county council to confirm that the request for financial support for my care has been confirmed and it looks like I won’t be required to make any contributions towards it due to my low income. 

The other was from the OT who is coming round next week to look at any help I might need around the house. I’m going to see if I can contact the cleaners and get them back in from next week. 

These are all positive things but I’m struggling to feel good about it.

----------

Flo (24-03-21)

----------


## Paula

That is good news, love, but totally understand why it doesnt feel like it today

----------


## Suzi

Those are great bits of news - which care support are you going to have? Cleaners and gardener? 

I too can understand why it doesn't feel it today...

----------


## Stella180

There have been a lot of tears today. The hurt. The anger. The despair. Robert has a choice. If he wants to see me he can but he doesn’t. I don’t know his reasons but so far he’s chosen to stay away, to not contact me. He and I were so incredibly close when he was small, almost like we thought with the same mind and loved with the same heart. I couldn’t love him more if I tried. I wouldn’t say he was my favourite cos I love my boys equally but the bond between us was so strong. I understand he’s in an impossible position but I wish he would reach out. A text, a phone call, anything. I don’t wanna think about the possibility that he doesn’t want me in his life. That he’d rather not have a relationship with me. I already know what Martin thinks of me thanks to his Grandfather’s influence, to think Robert feels the same way I have to ask myself what’s the point in going on?

----------


## Suzi

I know it has to be impossible, but hunni you don't know why he hasn't made those choices, there could be a million reasons why. Try not to judge....

----------


## Stella180

I think I've found a way of cutting Talia's medication costs. At the moment I'm paying between £18-£21 per month depending on with supplier the vet gets stock from. The vets have left me hanging this month and the same last month so I started looking into alternatives cos I'm sick on calling a week in advance to order them and stick going without cos it is taking so long for them to get back to me. If I get a prescription I can order online but the vet wants to charge me £12 to email it too me  :@:  so I've asked if I can have a longer term than a month. If they can do a quarterly script, even with their charges and delivery costs I can save 50%. Right now that is a huge defference and having 3 month supply at a time means I don't have to worry about going through the nightmare of re-ordering each month and being let down.Hopefully I should hear back later today.

----------

Paula (06-04-21)

----------


## Suzi

That would be great!

----------


## Stella180

You’d think so wouldn’t you. I’m now out of medication for her, and they won’t issue the script without her being booked in for a consult first. She needs the meds in her system before bloods can be taken to check the dose is correct and she can’t be seen until Thursday. I’m getting pretty peed off with this vet right now. This is proving so much harder that it needs to be. If they had sorted this out last week like they should’ve everything would be fine.

----------


## Suzi

IS it worth looking around for a different vet? Do you have a pdsa or similar vet near you?

----------


## Paula

Im definitely with Suzi, find someone else....

----------


## Stella180

Unfortunately not around here. Its only the last couple of months it's gotten bad. I've just had to dash out to pick up a weeks worth of meds so there was enough to cover her until I could book her in. Managed to get an appointment for Thursday evening so only a couple of days to wait. Hopefully, after the bloods come back I’ll get a prescription for at least 3 months. Might as well get her nails clipped too while I’m there.

----------


## Suzi

Can you ask for local recommendations?

----------


## Stella180

I know who the best vet in the area is but it’s not so easy to access cos they are the other side of the city.

----------


## Suzi

There has to be a different one which is accessible to you?

----------


## Stella180

Ok hear we go. Talia has had her nail clipped and I have her quarterly worm and flea treatment. The vet tried to charge me £158 for blood tests. Needless to say the second word was off. After a bit of a "discussion" about the matter it was the receptionist who checked the details and confirmed the tests that were needed were included in the health plan I have in place. Comes to something when the person answering the phone knows more that the dude with the PhD. So bloods taken and awaiting results, should hear back tomorrow and then a 6 month prescription will be emailled to me ready to order the meds. I've worked out that the cost of the meds via the vet would be approx. £120 for 6 months. Going direct to the supplier, £43.20 with free delivery. It's a no brainer really. 

And now for the best news of all. I had the little monster weighed. Last time she was weighed was back in the summer and she was 16.5kgs. the ideal weight for her breed is between 11.5 and 15kgs. Todays weigh in *drumroll please*...  14.5kgs!!! The vet was happy with her weight, and muscle tone and other than her thyroid she is a healthy pup and looking good for her age. I am so chuffed for her. She's definitely earned herself a cheeky treat tonight. She's worn herself out with all the nervous energy at the vets and is currently snoring on her bed. So proud of my beautiful little snuggle pup.

----------


## Suzi

Wow that's awesome!!! Well done you and your Snugglepup!

That's outrageous how much they charge - esp if it's already included!

----------


## Stella180

Last year when we were looking at diagnosis they wanted to do £900 worth of tests and for me to get a loan for £1500 incase further tests were needed! Thankfully I spoke to the manager who suggested doing it one test at a time and it was all sorted for less that £100. They are reasonably priced overall but I get a feeling they are selling on for additional services that aren’t always essential.

----------


## Suzi

She's doing so brilliantly!

----------


## Stella180

I’m so incredibly proud of her it’s unreal. She has turned my world around since she came to live with me and I don’t know what I’d do without her now. I’m so incredibly grateful that Jaq and her mum trusted me to take her on, especially after all that happened with Max. My confidence was completely destroyed after I had to give him up and I still miss that boy so much. I was terrified of letting them and Talia down so to have got such brilliant news today from the vet to say she’s doing great and we’ve reached target weight thanks to changing her food, regular exercise and most importantly getting her thyroid under control. She’s a treasure and I love her to bits.

----------

Suzi (08-04-21)

----------


## Stella180

For the first time in... I don’t even remember how long, I woke up this morning feeling really good. I had lots and lots of cuddles and kisses with Talia this morning, make myself a hot drink (not something I do that often) and have sat watching music videos on YouTube all morning and absolutely loving it. Got my AirPods in so cranking up the tunes and I’m in my element. After the good news about the snuggle pup yesterday and having a lovely chat with the boss lady last night it’s put me in a really good mood. Just going to take it easy and enjoy the things I love most music and the furry faced cuddle monster.

----------

OldMike (10-04-21),Strugglingmum (09-04-21)

----------


## Suzi

Hooray!! I can't love this post of yours enough!!!!!

----------


## OldMike

I love that post too  :):

----------


## Stella180

Today I have been out. I mean out out! I started out with the intention of going to the corner shop for milk and cornflakes but then I got brave and I thought, no I’ll get a bus down to Lidl. Then I thought sod it, I may as well go into town and get my hair cut while I’m out.  Because of the wait time at the hair dresser rather then go home I decided to get some lunch and sit on a bench and eat it in the sunshine. I’ve been on another bus ride just for the hell of it. Yep, 2hrs of just hanging out in the city centre while waiting for an appointment to have my hair cut.

----------


## Suzi

Soooo proud of you!

----------


## Flo

Well done you! The things we do spontaneously are more often than not far nicer than the planned things! Pleased you had a lovely time.

----------


## Stella180

I’d forgotten what my ears looked like! So glad to get chopped. I feel slightly more human again now. It’s the longest I’ve left Talia alone in months and when I got home, to say she way pleased to see me is an understatement. I walked up the stair to the bathroom and she darted up ahead of me climbed up me and gave me lots of kisses. I think she missed me.

----------


## Suzi

Awwww!

How are you today?

----------


## Stella180

Not great. This afternoon is the court hearing about the boys

----------


## Suzi

What time? Will be with you in spirit love...

----------


## Stella180

I thought it was around 2.45pm but according to one of the emails it’s 4pm. Probably confused it with the one that was delayed last time.

----------


## Suzi

Will be thinking of you. I know that although it's most likely going to be an adjournment you must be terrified of it.

----------


## Stella180

It’s not happening now.

----------


## Suzi

Oh no, what's happened?

----------


## Stella180

It’s been adjourned. Again.

----------


## Suzi

So sorry love.

----------


## Stella180

Does anyone else get anxious about appointments hours before it's time to leave? I got up at 8.15 this morning. I have an eye test booked at 12.50 and need to leave the house to catch the bus at 11.50 to be on the safe side. So why have I been on edge ALL MORNING! Constantly clock watching, unable to settle, panicking about missing the bus or being late the appointment.

----------


## Flo

Yessss! I'm guilty! I went to chiropodist on Thursday...up at 6am...worried about how painful it would be after so many weeks without work.
Had the runs...heart beating rapidly....totally irrational behaviour! All this because of a bloody foot appt.!! Oh, and worried in case I wanted a wee while I was there in case 'the facilities' were still closed, so had last drink at 10am...appt. at 2pm!!

----------


## Suzi

I do it too....

----------


## Stella180

I've been up and down to the loo all morning. It's just a routine eye test.

----------


## Suzi

How did it go?

----------


## Stella180

Not as I planned  :(:

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):   :(bear):   :(bear):

----------


## Stella180

I took myself off to bed at 5pm and slept for 4hrs!!! Still feel knackered now. Anxiety is exhausting.

----------


## Suzi

It really is. Glad you got some sleep though. Hope you sleep tonight.

----------


## Suzi

How are you love?

----------


## Stella180

Got the guys coming to sort out the rails and stuff today. I'm not sure what time they are coming. I'm sure I was told but I've just forgotten. I don't know if the OT is coming too or not so a lot of uncertainty around today which means really anxious.

----------


## Suzi

I can understand that love. Can you pace and do things to help soothe the anxiety as much as possible?

----------


## Stella180

he's been and gone. All done and not to my personal standards but when can I do. Off to hide in my bedroom and sulk for the rest of the day.

----------


## Suzi

In what way is it not up to your standards?

----------


## Stella180

The one in the bathroom isn’t level and the rail on the stairs is higher than the other

----------


## Suzi

Oh  :(:  Well can you ask the OT to look at it and get it sorted?

----------


## Stella180

It’s just me being picky. A mate helped me pick up a new chair this afternoon and dug out some raisers they had in the shed and put those under the sofa for me. OMG it makes a huge difference. They aren’t perfectly suited but they do the job for now.

----------


## Suzi

Things like that do make a massive difference. Hopefully by having some of these things it'll help make things easier....

----------


## Stella180

Great news for once! DWP called today and have conceded that theywere wrong and to avoid going to court they are "willing to reinstate my previous award" for the next 5 yrs. This is back dated to Jan so I am feeling incredibly relieved right now and glad this is sorted and a lot sooner than I expected. Looking forward to getting my car back on the road.

----------


## Paula

:(party):

----------


## Suzi

That's brilliant news! Well done love!

----------


## Paula

Is the car booked in yet?  :O:

----------


## Stella180

Not yet but next week for sure when I know the funds are there. Been awake since 6.20am and been out to do a bit of shopping, and get the dog food. I’m absolutely knackered now. I was going to do it on the bus but I couldn’t carry as much back as I wanted to I walked round to my sisters in the rain and pinched her car. Desperately need a shower now and I still haven’t changed the bedding (job I was supposed to have done Monday but it was my birthday) gonna sit down with a drink first.

----------


## Suzi

So are you pacing and resting today?

----------


## Stella180

I certainly am. I hope you are doing the same. How are you doing?

----------


## Suzi

Pacing and resting?

----------


## Stella180

I just went to the co-op to get bread cos I forget it earlier. Decided to grab some beer while a was there. I had every intention of buying alcohol free when I noticed something that made no sense. Heineken 0% (4 bottles) - £3.35, Bud Light 3.5% (4 bottles) - £3.00. How is that even possible?

----------


## Suzi

Supply and demand?

----------


## Stella180

Car is booked in for 10.45am tomorrow. Exciting times. Can’t wait to got her back on the road and take advantage of lockdown restrictions being loosened. Can maybe arrange to meet up with a few Aspie friends and hang out. Maybe a road trip or two in the near future.

----------

Paula (11-05-21)

----------


## Suzi

Such good news!

----------


## Stella180

Good news? Depends what it fails on. If it fails, which I expect it will.

----------


## Suzi

My car needs it's MOT too...

----------


## Stella180

I’ve got a place who does testing for £35 which is handy it’s the cost of repairs that hurt.

----------


## Suzi

Good luck little car!

----------


## Stella180

Failed on a wiper blade and a broken coil spring but being fixed today and should have it back later this afternoon. It’ll be so good to be back on the road again. 

And in other news I have been selected for interview as a volunteer at the rugby World Cup later in the year. Booked the interview for Monday 24th May at 2pm. Normally I’d be dead nervous about something like this but I’m really excited. It’s just for one day at my chosen venue, Scotland vs Australia match but it would be amazing to be a part of such a huge sporting event.

----------


## Paula

:(party):

----------


## Angie

That isnt bad for the mot though always nice if they go straight through, and brilliant for the interview good luck xx

----------


## Stella180

Yeah it’s not bad for a 15 year old car that has done 180k.

----------


## Angie

Definately not bad x

----------


## Stella180

Second covid jab booked for a week on Saturday. Be glad to get that out of the way.

----------


## Suzi

Well done little car! 

Hooray for the interview, that's awesome! I'm so glad you pushed yourself and applied!
Great news about the covid jab too.

----------


## Stella180

I know I’m probably getting far to over excited about this and you guys just don’t get it (with the exception of maybe Angie) but I am so happy to have my freedom back again. I love cars, I love driving, and I’m really chuffed that soo little was wrong with my car. It’s an old motor with a lot of miles and the 2 1/2 years I’ve had her I’ve had very little go wrong. It’s been killing me having a car or the driveway and not being able to use it thanks to DWP. Finally being able to get out on the road and go where I want to go whenever I want to go is so refreshing. I drove over to look at a sofa tonight I am thinking of buying and I didn’t have to take 2-3 buses, or beg my sister to borrow her car. I can work to my own timetable and it feels amazing. Be warned! If I have your address I may well turn up on your door step sometime soon lol.

----------


## Suzi

I get it. My car's been off the road for a while....

----------


## Angie

I totally get it, my car is curently off road needs a new power steering module, and being off sick doesn't help, plus not up to driving either, so totally get your excitement

----------


## Suzi

How are you today?

----------


## Stella180

Meh. The excitement has worn off and I’m back to feeling a bit down in the dumps.

----------


## Flo

:S:  Cheer up!!.....I'm expecting an Amazon delivery of some new car mats for Peggy Sue....can't wait to put them in. What a saddo I am!
Treat your car to some! :(nod):

----------


## Stella180

I really need to clean out the interior. So much junk I can’t even see the floor.

----------


## Angie

I usually take a brew out with me stick some tunes on and sit and clean mine out.

----------


## Suzi

I normally get Marc to sort Daisy  :O:

----------


## Stella180

I need a Marc in my life lol

----------


## Flo

We all need a Marc! Ian's car is full of puff pastry shards! He eats pies and sausage rolls in it and dumps the bags on the back seat! Slovenly git!

----------


## Stella180

That still sounds better than my car lol

----------


## Suzi

Ahh, he doesn't do it very often lol

----------


## Stella180

Well I’ve taken the plunge and bought a new sofa on line. Via a retailer on eBay. It was within my price range, dimensions were within my requirements and it’s a manual recliner. Doesn’t have all the gadgets and stuff but do I really need any of it? Not really. I just need something comfortable to sit. Something that is mine. The only piece of furniture I have left from my parents once the sofa is replaced is the dining table. And that doesn’t really got used.

----------


## Suzi

Well done for sorting something and putting your needs first love.  I know it's hard, but it's so important that you have somewhere comfy....

----------


## Stella180

Ok so this just happened. I signed up for ticket info for the women’s euros next year. The only time in my life I have been to a football match was an England vs Japan ladies back in 2013. I’m a huge footy fan but the thought of tens of thousands of people in a stadium is scary which is why I’m just an armchair fan but I really want to do this. I have my access card so gonna put it to good use. Just need someone to go with me.

----------

Paula (20-05-21)

----------


## Paula

Sorry, not going to be me lol. But I am proud of you for signing up  :):

----------


## Suzi

Definitely not going to be me either, but I'm also really proud of you!

----------


## Stella180

Just under 2 hrs until my interview and I’m kinda excited

----------


## Flo

Good luck with it.....I'm sure they'll grab you with both hands! Everything crossed!

----------


## Suzi

Keep the excitement! They'd be mad not to offer you a place!

----------


## Angie

Good luck hope its going well x

----------


## Paula

Howd it go?

----------


## Suzi

What did they say?

----------


## Flo

WELL??????!! :Hedgehog:

----------


## Suzi

I know, I know, I know!

----------


## Stella180

Seemed to go ok. Today is the first day of interviewing which goes on until 24th June so won’t here anything before July. I’m not the most patient person and I’m really excited to learn more about what goes on behind the scenes of a major sporting event. She was saying that there would be approximately 120 volunteer staff on top of regular venue staff at each of the 21 venues. Over 10,000 applicants originally, which I believe were cut to 5,000 so I’d say I have a 50-50 chance of being on the Power Squad. Anyone have a time machine to fast forward to July?

----------


## Suzi

It's so good to hear you sooo happy and excited about something!

----------


## Stella180

For me this is absolutely huge!!! We’re talking about the biggest competition in world rugby not only being played in this country be I could be there, not just as a spectator but as a part of the team putting on the event. This is something you can tell your grandkids about and they can brag to their mates at school lol. It’s something my boys can hopefully be proud of too. It certainly would be something to talk about. 

Of course it means me stepping out of my comfort zone. Working in a large venue that can hold tens of thousands of people, in a place I’ve never been before, working with people I’ve never met and with covid still hanging over us total uncertainty over how things will actually operate when we get to October/November so I’m living to the dark and I really need to know everything.

----------


## Suzi

You will know things in plenty of time. This is awesome.

----------


## Paula

Yep, completely awesome!

----------


## Flo

Fantastic! What a wonderful opportunity!

----------


## Stella180

Hmmmm, I may have requested information about the women’s euros volunteer scheme for next year too.

----------


## Suzi

That's awesome!

----------


## Strugglingmum

This all sounds super exciting.  Well done you.

----------


## Paula

So proud  :):

----------


## Stella180

So after a rather frustrating afternoon including an email from my solicitor which wasn’t exactly good news, I have come to a decision and at the weekend I will be introducing a new mini member to the family. She’s incredibly small, hairy and cute. I would post a pic of her but I’ve been reliably informed that certain members wouldn’t appreciate her cuteness.

----------


## Suzi

Eww, does she have 8 legs?

----------


## Allalone

Wss^^^

----------


## Stella180

Oh yes, she does. She’s a phiddipus regius aka a regal jumping spider and only a couple of mm’s in size. Even fully grown will only be about 2cm at most. Jumping spiders have the cutest little faces and are really sociable. I know I can’t convince you spiders are cute but these little buggers are adorable. They only live for about a year at most and that’s providing they don’t have a disaster moult so not exactly a long term commitment. It’ll be fun.

----------


## Suzi

Ewww, I'd ask that you post lots of warnings re pictures please as it's a real phobia for me and even seeing the word sp*der is a big issue for me....

----------

Allalone (09-06-21),Angie (09-06-21)

----------


## Stella180

I’m not going to post any pics here. Can’t promise their won’t be some on Facebook at some point though.

----------


## Suzi

OK, thanks.

----------


## Stella180

My new friend is going to need a name. Any suggestions for her?

----------


## Suzi

Ben suggests: Sir Jebediah von Bouncealot

Suzi says: DO NOT SHOW SUZI or even mention that word...  :O:

----------


## Stella180

That would be an epic name if it was male.

----------


## Stella180

I’ve got a couple of ideas but they are a bit dodgy I think and lack originality.

----------


## Suzi

Ben says... Lady Jebediah von Bouncealot obviously.... 

So, all ready for it to arrive? When are you getting her? Does she have a lovely vivarium to live in?

----------


## Stella180

Not exactly a lovely vivarium. More of a smoothie cup with artificial flowers. Yep, that’s right it cost me £1.49 for some decor to put in a cup and that is home for her (Jebadiah is a male name, maybe Lady Jemima von Bouncealot) I have fruit fly culture which will feed her for a few weeks and as she molts and grows she can enjoy some meal worms and small crickets. It’s fascinating watching them hunt and feed and looking forward to seeing it happen in real life in my own home. I picked up a critter box for £2 on eBay which looks a bit like a clear acrylic cocktail shaker. The plan was to put her in there when she’s a bit bigger but if all goes well I might get another jumper later on. Of course I talk about her growing and you probably picture something massive but she will only get to maybe 2cms and is currently just a few mms in size. Interesting facts about the phiddipus regius. They can eat prey up to 1.5 times their own body size and can jump up to 8 times their body size. To put that on a human scale, I’m 5’6” so it would be the equivalent of me taking down a grizzly bear and jumping 44ft from a standing start to do it. You have to be impressed with those figures.

----------


## Suzi

Still not wanting anything to do with her though lol.... Seems sad to live her life in a smoothie cup  :(:

----------


## Stella180

Shell come out to play sometimes. And she has food and water available without the struggle of searching for it and the big bonus in she doesnt have to fear becoming dinner for something bigger that her.

----------


## Suzi

Fair enough  :O:  I know you'll give her a loving home.

----------


## Stella180

The delicup is just while she’s growing. If the enclosure is too big they struggle to find their food. The cups are ideal cos jumpers are arboreal so like to climb and nest near the top of their enclosure so the dome lid means when you open it to food and water you don’t damage the webbing. Here is my simple setup.

----------


## Suzi

Fair enough... I have zero knowledge on these as I really can't.....

As I said, I know that she'll be loved and I know that you would have done a huge amount of research  :O:

----------


## Stella180

Oh yeah, I may have a new special interest  :O:

----------


## Sissy

I love spiders. I have a mexican red knee tarantula called Little My. We got her 2014, she was the size of my thumb nail back then. She can still fit in my palm

----------


## Stella180

I’ve always been mildly interested in “creepy crawlies”. I was the kid who would dig up worms and race them down the ramp of the garage. I may have performed some pretty gruesome experiments on insects too which I am less than proud of. 

Originally my plan was to do a bit of research into habitats and stuff so that I could buy a gift for a friend who loves jumping spiders. I’ve since spent hours online watching YouTube videos and reading articles and the more I learned the more I wanted to own a spider myself so I could watch it grow and feed and get a glimpse of what spider life is all about. I’m quite excited about it.

----------


## Flo

Zoe's fiance has built a lovely bug hotel for all the kids...the youngest who is nearly four is besotted with CC's and puts them in his pocket!! Zoe never knows what she's going to find!! Don't know about jumping spiders though. Saw an aol news clip of a woman in Australia who went into her daughter's bedroom to find roughly 500 Huntsman spiders crawling over the walls!! Sod that for a game of soldiers....sorry but I'm a bit Arachnaphobic! Dunno how to spell it!

----------


## Suzi

You are all welcome to them! 

Flo, that sounds horrific! That's why I never want to go to Aus!

----------


## Stella180

Flo jumpers are the cutest things. There is even a kids animated tv show featuring one. 

Warning - cartoon spider video


I've removed this video as an inserted video as I know I'm not the only arachnophobe here and the cover is of that particular creature. I've changed it to a link so people have the choice to see it or not as when you go to this post you have no choice but see it and that's not something I want for myself, or anyone else. 

Link to the video: https://youtu.be/GQP1MxxJt8I

Suzi

----------


## Flo

> You are all welcome to them! 
> 
> Flo, that sounds horrific! That's why I never want to go to Aus!


I'm the same...have no desire to go to Aus. Funnel Webs, Brown snakes and every other sort of snake...tarantulas....I'd never get any sleep!

Hey Stella...what you have in the cup is a butterfly isn't it? Thought you had a jumping spider?

----------


## Stella180

Haha, it’s fabric one just for decoration the spood hasn’t arrived yet

----------


## Flo

> Haha, it’s fabric one just for decoration the spood hasn’t arrived yet


Oh!!....duh!!

----------


## Stella180

> Flo jumpers are the cutest things. There is even a kids animated tv show featuring one. 
> 
> Warning - cartoon spider video
> 
> 
> I've removed this video as an inserted video as I know I'm not the only arachnophobe here and the cover is of that particular creature. I've changed it to a link so people have the choice to see it or not as when you go to this post you have no choice but see it and that's not something I want for myself, or anyone else. 
> 
> Link to the video: https://youtu.be/GQP1MxxJt8I
> 
> Suzi



Sorry Suzi, I didn’t think  :(:

----------


## Suzi

Thank you lovely..

----------


## Stella180

So my new spood is being delivered tomorrow evening. And I might just have ordered a friend for her too. Yep I’ve decided to get a pair. So it looks like Sir Jebediah Von Bouncealot will be the name of the male thanks to Ben. Need an exotic name the the female now.

----------


## Paula

So, youre hoping for babies?

----------


## Suzi

Lol, I'll let him know!

----------

Stella180 (14-06-21)

----------


## Flo

Countess Andrea Lewd-Webber.  :(grin): . Lady Guinevere d'Etlegza. :(think): ...errrr.....I'm trying!!!

----------

Stella180 (14-06-21)

----------


## Stella180

> So, you’re hoping for babies?


Noooooo, no breeding. They are solitary creatures so kept in separate enclosures. They can be cannibalistic.

----------


## Sissy

That is True. First spiderling will eat next. Alot of work trying to protect them from each other.

----------


## Stella180

I’m new to the invertebrate world and the idea of looking after dozens of baby spiders is not appealing to ill be giving that a miss.

----------


## Sissy

I had alot of work with a batch of spiderlings. I don't know what it is called in english, but I had avicularia Metallica momma, and used a soft paint brush to swipe babies in separated film roll cans. Never again. They were around the size of small ant, and I managed to separated 47 of them. Never ever evvverrr again.

----------


## Suzi

Definitely nothing I want anything to do with!

----------


## Stella180

Gutted. Delivery has been delayed til tomorrow cos they have to work late. Oh well. It’s only one more day.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry she isn't with you yet....

----------


## Sissy

Ohhh bummer! Well. One more day. I am possibly almost as excited as you are. Second Best thing in this world, right after having a new pet, is waiting for someone else to get a new pet. I am really happy for you, and can't wait for you to get your new baby!

----------


## Stella180

I’ll PM the pics the breeder sent me.

----------

Sissy (14-06-21),Suzi (14-06-21)

----------


## Stella180

So this morning I thought it would be a good idea to crop down the nature reserve aka the front garden. I’ve got the strummer out but I need to invest in a new rake. I bought a plastic one before but it’s useless. A mate is coming round tomorrow to “have a look” at the back garden and see if he wants to tackle it.

----------


## Sissy

Happy gardening! Hope it is a happy hobby for you. I like it, but I am a lazybone, and get nothing much done usually

----------


## Stella180

I hate gardening. I know how to use a strimmer and a lawn mower and that’s the limit of my skills (I don’t even do that very well). I can’t tell a flower from a weed.

----------


## Paula

A weed is just a flower you dont want.

----------

Suzi (15-06-21)

----------


## Stella180

Really shouldn’t have done that this morning. Took me afternoon meds and fell asleep woke up and the pain in my right shoulder is not good. There was absolutely no indication while I was doing it that I had caused an injury, no strain on any sort and I felt fine. Clearly something wasn’t right cos I can barely move my arm now without pain. 

It’s only been a couple of weeks since a got my PiP sorted out and I just got a call from DWP to arrange an ESA assessment.  Next Tuesday 9am. I should’ve known they weren’t leave me alone for long  :(:

----------


## Paula

Ouch  :(: 

Ok, so how are you going to prepare for the assessment?

----------


## Stella180

Right this minute I’m just trying to get my head around it

----------


## Suzi

Just reread your info, have things on hand so you can refer to them in your assessment... You'll be fine - I know that it's really hard, but you can do it.

----------


## Stella180

Shoulder is slowly easing. I’ve got a bit more movement which is good. Could barely move it at all last night.

----------


## Suzi

Have you spoken to your Dr about your shoulder? Maybe ask for a physio referral?

----------


## Stella180

It’s actually a lot better tonight. Not perfect but moving a lot better so must be just a mild strain from yesterday morning.

----------


## Suzi

Glad it's a lot better, but I really think you should try to get some physio or something....

----------


## Paula

Its an issue you keep having - Suzi may have a point..

----------


## Stella180

I’ve had physio previously.

----------


## Paula

Different physio may do things differently. Also, it may be worth the doc actually doing some investigation.

----------


## Stella180

The previous issue was down to tendonitis. If there was inflammation it’s gone down again now so nothing to worry about. 

Being out it the sun earlier I thought I’d got away without getting burnt. I do have a blotchy rash on my right arm and it’s a little bit pink but the right side of my face is bright red and a bit puffy. It’s not sore but definite reacted to being out in the sun. I try to avoid being out in it after what happened a few years ago when I ended up with 2nd and 3rd degree burns. I try to be sensible now I know my meds make me more vulnerable to the suns rays. In fact this is the first time I’ve been out for more than 5-10 mins when it’s hot. Not a happy bunny.

----------


## Suzi

Sun cream in future! I have a sun allergy and so wear factor 50 (Piz Bruin Sensitive) as it's the only one I'm not allergic too....
Have you added lots of moisturiser or after sun?

----------


## Stella180

Yeah of course it’s strange how it didn’t come up straight away.

----------


## Suzi

I hate sun allergy itch, it's horrible...

----------


## Flo

Have you got your arachnids yet?

----------


## Stella180

I have. I received the wee beasties on Tuesday evening and they are settling in.

----------


## Flo

Ooh! How big are they?

----------


## Stella180

Oh they are tiny as they are still babies. Fully grown they will only be about half inch.

----------


## Suzi

Are you getting more from them atm?

----------


## Stella180

Nah I’ve just left them be. Squirt of water every day and feed them every other day.

----------


## Suzi

Did you think they'd be more interesting?

----------


## Stella180

Oh they are interested but Rome wasn’t built in a day. They are going to weave there little hammocks, and moult and grow, taking on bigger prey etc.

----------


## Paula

Theyre still babies..(and kinda cute)

----------


## Stella180

That are itty bitty babies. I look forward to seeing them grow

----------


## Suzi

Cool...

----------


## Stella180

Today was the last day of interviews for the Power Squad. Not long now until I find out if I’m in or not. I’m kinda excited.

----------


## Suzi

That's cool and exciting! I hope you do get it!

----------


## Stella180

The other night I was awake at some silly hour and found myself planning virtual trips. Just picking random places in the UK and landmarks, big and small to visit. It started out looking for suitable parking in Coventry to visit the Transport museum and then I was looking as football stadiums, national parks, etc. 

I found something interesting on the Welsh border that looks like a lovely place to go walking and visit some caves and I’m gearing myself up to give it a try. It’s somewhere I’ve never been before to incredibly nervous but also excited to venture out of my comfort zone.

----------


## Paula

Sounds great but.. dont give yourself goals you cant reach right now because of your back, please.

----------


## Suzi

Also, it's not a great idea to go walking round caves on your own... Go for it, but do it carefully and sensibly too maybe?

----------


## Stella180

Oh I’m not going caving just visiting the area. I mean, when you see a place called King Arthur’s Cave, why wouldn’t I want to go take a look?

----------


## Suzi

So true! Sounds like a proper adventure! A great place to take some photos etc...

----------


## Stella180

It’s a chance to use my camera. It’s only an old bridge camera but I’m a point and press girl so not much of a photographer and having so many setting are quite daunting.

----------


## Suzi

I was thinking you could take your camera, you could scrapbook your adventures or blog them?

----------


## Stella180

I dunno about blogging. But I could print the pics and send them to the boys.

----------


## Suzi

You could do both?

----------


## Stella180

I have had a lovely day out today. It’s taken a little while to pluck up the courage and due to a lack of sleep aswell as the heat I wasn’t exactly in the best condition to go walking through woodland but it was nice to get out for a drive and a change of scenery. I went to Ross on Wye and Symonds Yat Rock to take in the amazing views of the Wye Valley and had a look at King Arthur’s cave and the lovely nature reserves. Saw the remains of an old medieval cottage. I only covered a couple of miles but the terrain was a bit challenging and I think I probably over did it because I’m aching pretty bad right now but it was worth it for the stunning scenery. Exercising in nature is supposed to be good for your mental health right? Somebody remind my body of that please lol

----------


## Suzi

That sounds like a great way to spend a day! So pleased you had a lovely time.

----------


## Stella180

Yeah it was great but I’m really feeling it now. Everything hurts.

----------


## Suzi

Maybe something to do again but building it up slower? Hot bath, radox and some paracetamol  :O:

----------


## Stella180

I’ve just been out and invested in some new camping gear. I have a 4 man tent and double air beds in the shed but it’s not been used in years plus it’s hard work putting up a big tent on your own so I popped to the range and bought a pop up 2 man tent and a new sleeping bag ready to just hop it the car and go out for a day and if I don’t want to go home I can pitch up and wait til the morning.

----------


## Paula

Hunni, if you do do this, please, please will you tell one of us where you are staying?.

----------


## Suzi

Is this for planned overnights stays? Will you promise to let us know where you are and that you stay in a proper campsite?

----------


## Stella180

Oh yeah of course it would be booking into a camp site, or dossing in a friends garden lol I was awake after 3 am looking at sites around the country that I could visit and picked out a couple of sites in Wiltshire and Weymouth so I can have a couple of nights away with the dog and visit the beach. £12 to pitch a tent per night. Absolute bargain.

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like fun!

----------


## Stella180

So latest update. I have an interview for the commonwealth games volunteering on Monday which means a day in the second city which is not something I’m looking forward to at all. 

I recently lost one of my spoods to a bad moult so I’ve been a bit on edge this week with one of my little girlies in premoult and another following her. This morning I got up and checked on them all and spritzed the enclosures and it looks like the Soroa has had a successful moult. Hard to tell cos she still in her hammock but I have seen movement and her exoskeleton is completely separate so I’m reasonably comfortable saying all is well. I had no idea being a spidey mommy was so stressful  but these little things are so delicate and extremely vulnerable, especially when they moult.

----------


## Suzi

I think you're going to be great at your interview. Be open and honest and most of all, BE YOU! 

Glad that the moults are going ok right now.

----------


## Paula

Wow! Im so proud of you! Thats something I would never have the guts to do. They will LOVE you!

----------


## Stella180

Stressed beyond belief!!! I got up early and was ready an hr before I was due the leave which allowed for too much time to think and my anxiety to rise. I received an email to say that my return train was cancelled which boosted it further so have had to work out an alternative. 

The route to walk according to Apple Maps was 1.3 miles and would take 21 mins. Well that was a load of rubbish. It was actually just 1/2 a mile from the station and the app was sending me well out of my way. I stopped to eat and have a drink but I was still way too early. We were told to be there for 12.30 (interview at 1pm) and were sat watching Commonwealth Games ads for 35 mins until being called up and then it was only to walk through an exhibition about the games. Eventually we were seated in an area where they played another short video and then we had our “interviews”, which was basically 6 preset questions with some dude writing down your answers and hitting send on the web page. 

Next was uniform fitting. Despite putting my sizes down on the application I still had to be measured up. Good job really because they ignored what I put down anyway. Oh and I even got measured for a baseball cap!? The photos that were sent as part of the application were retaken due to new “security protocol”. Basically they completely redid our online applications but unfortunately the WiFi was sketchy and what should’ve been a 45 min process turned into 2 hrs 15 mins. 

Navigating my way through Birmingham New Street station (which has as many exits as it has platforms and signage and access to the toilets is shocking) was not my idea of fun but I’m on my way home now thankfully as I have had enough for one day.

----------


## Suzi

I know it wasn't as you hoped, but hunni you've done it! You're amazing!

----------


## Stella180

I think the final straw was when the staff in the retail shop were unable to take a payment for a couple of pin badges I wanted to get for the boys. Because the  systen was down they couldnt figure out how to even take a cash payment and process it when the system came back online. Complete dumbasses. I could've told them how to do there jobs but I was too stressed out so I just left. I've ordered them online instead now (and had to pay £3.95 for delivery) but it doesn't feel the same. I wanted to get something from my day there but now its just another online order itms.

----------


## Suzi

I don't think it's "just an online order" at all. I know it's not how you wanted it, but you've still got them something from your amazing day... You pushed so far from your comfort zone and won. I'm so proud of you, but I hope you're resting now...

----------


## Stella180

I’ve got counselling this afternoon not that I feel up to that but it’s gotta be done. The cleaners were in this morning and I’ve got Aspie tomorrow and a physio assessment Thursday (although I thought it was tomorrow). It’s not a lot really but it feels non stop. Oh and Talia wasn’t impressed that I left her all day and not won’t leave my side. Which is kinda cute but also I bit annoying.

----------


## Suzi

How was counselling? The cleaners? It does sound a busy week...

----------


## Stella180

Counselling wasn’t so heavy today thankfully. Talked about my feeling after last week, and how disappointed I was yesterday and how I always try to do “the right thing” for others even if it’s the wrong thing for me.

----------


## Suzi

What things yesterday were the wrong things for you?

----------


## Stella180

Yesterday was just an epic disappointment and over all shit show. My feelings about doing stuff for others are a bit of an issue for me. It’s long and complicated.

----------


## Stella180

I managed to make it out to darts tonight but I doubt I’ll get a game. It’s a tough opponent and top of the table clash. I’ve lost the last two games so best I sit out and give someone else a go. The team is more important than the individual. So far the score is 1-1 and we’re a leg up in the 3rd game.

----------


## Suzi

Yesterday may not have gone as it was planned to do so, but you are totally overlooking all the positives! You got up and negotiated your way there, you sat and waited, you went and stayed for your interview and so many other things! 

Play if you want to love, talk to your team!

----------


## Stella180

Nah I’m happy to sit out and just watch the game. The opposition are way above my level of play. If I were at my best I’m be happy to take on the challenge but I’m a long way off that and wouldn’t win a screw things up for the team.

----------


## Suzi

Fair enough x

----------


## Stella180

I need to post a bit of positivity cos I really don’t feel very positive at all so here goes. 

Today is the final day of my sober challenge. I’m actually really looking forward to this month being over. So far I’ve raised £130 for Macmillan’s which is better than I expected after a pretty slow start. While I was misting the spoods today I had two nice surprises. Firstly I got to see Zara for the first time in weeks as she had been hiding in her hammock. Managed to snap a pic of her before she went back into hiding again. The other surprise was my unnamed Evergrade has had her second moult with me and is looking good. Her exoskeleton was almost completely intact so my phone was used as a microscope to take a close look at it. It’s fascinating and I kept her previous moult too and it’s cool to see how she has grown so quickly. I decided to name the 3 spood I got at the invert show after characters from Buffy the Vampire slayer but never got round to deciding which ones so with today being Halloween I have made a decision, they will now be known as:

Willow (Everglades)
Darla (Comatus)
Faith (Soroa)

Another pair of new trainers arrived yesterday and they are rather comfy. They are red Skechers and I don’t think I’ve ever owned red shoes before. Maybe as a kid. I have a temptation to click my heels 3 times repeating “there’s no place like home lol. I’ve got a blue pair of Nike Air coming in a couple of days too. When I went to get a physio assessment on my hip he said that the shoes I was wearing were too flat and exaggerating the problem and suggested some comfortable footwear with a slight raised heel. I bid or a few pairs on eBay but expect to get them at the prices I bid. I got a white pair of Skechers for £18 (rrp £70), the red ones for £25 (rrp £64), and the Nike for £20. The white ones had been worn once the others were brand new so basically got 3 pairs for the price of one. 

I’ve also finally started my Christmas shopping. I’m normally done by now but this year I’ve found it hard to get started but now I’ve got a couple of small gifts sorted.

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Allalone (31-10-21),Jaquaia (31-10-21),Paula (31-10-21),Suzi (31-10-21)

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## Paula

Awesome post!

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## Suzi

Such a great post! Well done love!

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## Allalone

I wasn't given a choice of colour with shoes/trainers when I was growing up. I once seen a red pair of trainers in a shop window when I was about 9/10. I told my granda about them and he was going to get me them as a bday present but when birth mother found out she told him that I’d never wear them and get her a pair of black ones instead. 
I now have 3 pairs of red trainers!

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Stella180 (31-10-21)

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## Stella180

Mine are usually black or white. Nice to have a bit of selection. I’ve just ended up with a pair of slip on Skechers too. I bit on a load of pairs expected to miss out on most. Oops.

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## Stella180

Not saying I’m a but slow on the uptake but all these years of being on this planet and doing Sober for October for the past 8 yrs and I’ve only just realised that October is the longest month of the year. Not only does it have 31 days but due to the clocks going back it also has an extra hour. So after 5 weekends, 31 days, and 744 hrs I still have another hour to go! Well 55 mins, not that I’m counting lol

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## Suzi

It's a great thing you've done! Well done love!

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## Allalone

Well done!

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Stella180 (01-11-21)

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## Flo

Well done you! You now deserve a well earned pint! You always commit 100% to Sober October and I have so much respect for you.

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## Stella180

Thanks Flo, I’ll take that coming from the forums reining champion on abstinence of alcohol. A month really shouldn’t be a big deal when I went 18 yrs without a drink but it’s the social stuff that is the hardest. I don’t have to tell you.

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Suzi (01-11-21)

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## Flo

Eighteen years without the Amber Nectar is quite something! But I know only too well what it's like to not drink at social events..."Why not?"......"Just have one then..?"....."...What?.....you don't drink at all?!!"......"Why?"......"Surely one won't hurt!"..... :(punch):  "What part of I don't want one don't you understand?!" :(devil):

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## Stella180

Oh yes. That’s definitely the hard part.

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## Suzi

I can sympathise. H doesn't drink at all. She is the only one of her friends who doesn't drink. She recently had one drink - a very low alcohol cider, but didn't enjoy it.... We've never made it taboo, they are allowed to drink if they want - we've always said we'd rather they drank here rather than on street corners or in the park.... However, she always has to defend that she doesn't want to drink. 
That's one of the things she liked about Southampton uni - they said it's actually quite normal to have groups of friends who don't drink!

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## Stella180

I’m sat watching one of my all time favourite movies (I blame you Suzi), An American Werewolf in London. This year being the 40th anniversary of the film there was supposed to be cinema screenings this year but I’ve not seen anything around here which in disappointing. I was a small child when it was originally released so it would’ve been amazing to get the chance to see it on the big screen.

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## Stella180

Oops. Monday night football. Started a bit early. Second beer in, 5 mins into the game and I’m wasted already not my greatest hour.

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## Suzi

You sounded cheerful on the phone message...  :O:

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## Stella180

I don’t even remember calling you lol

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## Stella180

Oh yeah I did call you. That was pre beer. Apparently beer erases your pre beer memory too lol

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## Suzi

lol  :):

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## Stella180

So today I did a thing. Not only did I do a thing but I did it spontaneously and I want to share it with you all. 

I was randomly browsing Facebook last night and came across a walking football group. It was late at night and thought I’d message for details. This morning I got a reply saying they train on a Tuesday morning. So at 9am I throw myself in the shower, drive over to sports direct for some lightweight track pants and went to training. I didn’t know anyone and I hadn’t been to the sports centre in years and it was scary. When picking teams I was last to be picked. Being the newbie fat bird nobody wanted me  :(: 

I made it through the first match and halfway through the second before my hip decided enough was enough but it doesn’t matter. I turned up, I had a go and I enjoyed it. Next week I will be going back and hopefully last a bit longer. I love football and not played in many many years and never thought I would again but I was wrong. Really really proud of myself for taking the plunge and just going for it.

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Suzi (09-11-21)

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## Strugglingmum

Well done that is huge. Super proud of you.

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## Paula

Another one here who is soooo proud of you!

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## Flo

Wow! That's quite something! It was spontaneous and you didn't second guess yourself. You should be damn proud of yourself... I am!
Yes, go again next week....you'll meet people and make friends. It'll be a great confidence booster. Tbh, I don't think that I could have done something like that. :(clap):

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## Stella180

It’s not something I do normally but if I hadn’t gone this morning and I’d given myself time to think about it by next week I would’ve talked myself out of it. I’ve had post exercise knackered, mood boost back to knackered again. All the people who say exercise makes you feel better, yeah for a short period but it doesn’t last at least it never has for me. After recovery I feel good for 30-60 mins and then it slips again. Is this just a me thing? Back when I was doing martial arts it was the same.

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## Paula

Youre overthinking it, love. Even an hour is an hour you wouldnt have had, necessarily. Youve got an opportunity to do something positive and which has masses of self care points, so just do it.

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Flo (10-11-21),Strugglingmum (09-11-21)

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## Stella180

Oh I’m doing it. I had a sit down for a bit after footy and then had to take Talia to the vet, then she had her nails trims and there was time for cuddles and a nap and now I’m off to darts. I took a few weeks off to be with Talia in the evenings cos of the fireworks but back to it tonight. Taking the bus into town so I can enjoy a few bevvies. Don’t get to do it much on a darts night due to driving but I’m making an exception tonight.

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Paula (09-11-21)

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## Suzi

Oh wow! That's huge! I'm so proud of you!!!!

Football and darts and a social night and Talia pampering! What an amazing day!

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## Flo

You're turning into a bit of a socialite.....I like that! Go you!

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## Suzi

How has today been love?

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## Stella180

Not good.

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## Suzi

Want to talk about it?

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## Paula

Too much too soon?

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## Stella180

You could say that.

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## Paula

:Panda:

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## Stella180

Went to the Odeon Screen Unseen tonight and get to see this. Not something I would usually watch but I still enjoyed it.

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Suzi (15-11-21)

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## Stella180

Woohoo! I’ve got panto tickets. Going to see Peter Pan on Friday morning. I’m all excited

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## Suzi

Oh no you aren't!

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## Stella180

Oh yes I am.

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## Suzi

Oh no you haven't....

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