# Help and Advice > Coping with Depression >  Diary of a book addict

## Jaquaia

New thread as I waffle more than I realise!  :(giggle): 

It actually feels cool!!! I'm amazed!!!! And tired

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## Angie

Love the thread title  :):

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Jaquaia (27-07-19)

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## Jaquaia

It's so me!  :O:

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## OldMike

I somehow suspected it was your thread, I wonder how  :O:

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## Jaquaia

No idea Mike  :(angel):

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## Paula

Absolutely you  :):

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## Angie

Definately you  :):

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## magie06

How is the drinking going?

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## Jaquaia

Surprisingly really well!!! Almost had 2 litres and it's about 10 degrees cooler so coping much better. Still not weeing much though... I've even been downstairs all afternoon as I watched the rugby with my dad. Not the result I wanted but I did it and being around my parents for so long was tiring but it was good to get a break from my room.

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## magie06

Well done. That amazing! Not so long ago you found it difficult to get through even a glass of something. You are doing so well. Awesome!

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Jaquaia (27-07-19)

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## Paula

Thats a huge post! Well done, lovely  :):

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Jaquaia (27-07-19)

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## Jaquaia

There is still that little voice in my head that tells me that it's pathetic that I struggle with something most people do every day, but it's getting easier to ignore.

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## Suzi

You are amazing! That post is so positive. You seem to be looking after you better too?

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## Jaquaia

The weather has made drinking a necessity over the last few days but J has also started being devious... he's started getting my mum to back him up so I'm being ganged up on at home!  :(:

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## Suzi

Good! As long as it's making you drink!

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## Jaquaia

The last few days I haven't needed much reminding as I've been doing it off my own back.

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## Suzi

That's even more impressive! 

How are you today?

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## Paula

Because of the weather or because youve got used to it?

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## Jaquaia

I would say the weather. Yesterday I was just thirsty. Today will be a test as it's 10 degrees cooler than it has been.

I'm ok but flaring a bit, mainly my wrists but my fingers are a little stiff too. I'm seeing the OT tomorrow, she's showing me hand exercises, so they may help.

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## Suzi

I'm glad you're seeing the OT. I hope they help love. Are you being kind to you whilst you are flaring?

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## Jaquaia

My plan is shower and reading. Maybe even watch something, not decided yet.

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## Suzi

Sounds lovely!

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## Jaquaia

My ribs hurt and I have a headache from laughing... J discovered my ticklish spot... He's the only person I've ever laughed like that with!

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## Suzi

I can't tell you how much I love that post!!

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## Jaquaia

He's talking about taking me away for a couple of days in the autumn  :(inlove):

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## Suzi

Hooray!

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## Jaquaia

Just heading to see the OT. This should be fun as my hands are stiff this morning

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## Suzi

Good, as long as see how bad it is then they can see how bad it is for you and can genuinely show them what is difficult and what would help!

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## Jaquaia

It was worse than this yesterday. I think I'm quite lucky that I've never had a major flare up as I can barely move my wrist at its worst. The fatigue is the worst part of it.

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## Paula

How did it go with the OT?

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## Jaquaia

I have a list of hand exercises to do to strengthen my hands and improve flexibility. She even gave me a tib of medical putty... must remember it's a medical aid and not a toy... She's replaced my splint too, I needed a size smaller.

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## magie06

Have you lost more weight?

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## Jaquaia

I don't know, need to get weighed. It's possible that I just have less swelling in that finger

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## Angie

Sounds positive, I would be the same with the putty have to remember its not a toy lol x

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Jaquaia (29-07-19)

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## OldMike

Never knew there was medical putty my experience of putty is linseed oil putty, epoxy putty and silly putty, I've learned something new today  :):

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## Suzi

What's the medical putty for?

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## Jaquaia

It's for hand strengthening exercises.

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## Suzi

Ahhhh, sounds fun  :O:

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## Jaquaia

It is!!! It's rather satisfying to play with too  :(giggle):

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## Suzi

See that's what I'd do with it too!

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## Jaquaia

She gave me this one...

Rolyan Therapy Putty for Physical Therapeutic Hand Exercises, Flexible Putty for Finger and Hand Recovery and Rehabilitation, Strength Training, Occupational Therapy, 1 x 57g, Soft, Yellow https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B004ULL1..._aDZpDb61ZZ77J

It's fab!!! Can see it coming in handy for stress relief too!!!

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OldMike (29-07-19)

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## Angie

> See that's what I'd do with it too!


This ^^^

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## Suzi

> She gave me this one...
> 
> Rolyan Therapy Putty for Physical Therapeutic Hand Exercises, Flexible Putty for Finger and Hand Recovery and Rehabilitation, Strength Training, Occupational Therapy, 1 x 57g, Soft, Yellow https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B004ULL1..._aDZpDb61ZZ77J
> 
> It's fab!!! Can see it coming in handy for stress relief too!!!


OMG that looks amazing!

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## Jaquaia

Another wading through treacle day, warm treacle though, it's not as bad as yesterday...I've started the washing as I needed clean clothes, and had to put all the shopping away as my dad has been called back to doctors as the lab is refusing to test the blood sample the nurse took yesterday...

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## Suzi

Why aren't they testing from yesterday?

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## Jaquaia

No idea. My dad said the nurse told him the doctor rang pathology and bollocked them about it but even the nurse wasn't sure why.

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## magie06

Do you have to get him back for more blood to be taken?

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## Jaquaia

They called him back today

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## Suzi

So he's done it? 
What a palaver!

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## Jaquaia

And then started drinking as soon as he got back...

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## Suzi

Oh!  :(:  I'm sorry love...

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## Jaquaia

I'm glad I've escaped upstairs as he's being a bit of an obnoxious dick.

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## Suzi

Oh sweetheart I'm so sorry.

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## Jaquaia

It's ok. J is popping after work if he decides he's still talking to me  :(giggle):

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## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

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## Jaquaia

Just having a shower has exhausted me so today is going to be a good day...

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## magie06

Your body is telling you that you need to rest. Please be kind and do as your body is telling you.

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## Jaquaia

Definitely going to try though my parents need their bed making and that will probably be down to me.

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## Suzi

Then maybe their bed might have to wait for a day or so?

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## Jaquaia

It's done now. My dad stripped it first thing and my mum sorted the washer. The OT taught us an easier way to put a quilt cover on so it's not as hard as it used to be if I'm struggling. Been reading The Book Thief the rest of the afternoon

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## Suzi

Love that book! 

Hmm, still a really physical activity when you need to listen to your body and rest....

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## Jaquaia

It's taken me a while to get into it but I'm enjoying it. 

I know. To be honest, I told him to strip the bed as he mentioned it needed doing yesterday and I didn't feel like this yesterday.  I was hoping he'd forgotten when I woke up...  have to be up early tomorrow too as I have blood tests and then hospital with my mother.

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## Paula

Loved The Book Thief  :):

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## OldMike

> It's done now. My dad stripped it first thing and my mum sorted the washer. The OT taught us an easier way to put a quilt cover on so it's not as hard as it used to be if I'm struggling. Been reading The Book Thief the rest of the afternoon


Sounds an interesting book, I've just put an order in to Amazon for it  :):

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## Jaquaia

It is interesting Mike. I've never read anything from the German perspective before.

Even better that it only cost me £2  :(giggle):

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Suzi (02-08-19)

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## Jaquaia

Well the fatigue isn't as bad as it was yesterday, still not great but I have a little more energy. J is concerned about my mood again, he's noticed it tends to drop a lot when I'm fatigued. So going to try and rest, though tempted to go and have a look through my books in the shed so I can actually start GoT...

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## Jaquaia

Some of you may have realised that I'm a huge Bluetones fan... well... MARK MORRISS JUST LIKED MY TWEET!!!!!! 

*swoons*

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magie06 (01-08-19),OldMike (01-08-19),Suzi (02-08-19)

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## Suzi

> Well the fatigue isn't as bad as it was yesterday, still not great but I have a little more energy. J is concerned about my mood again, he's noticed it tends to drop a lot when I'm fatigued. So going to try and rest, though tempted to go and have a look through my books in the shed so I can actually start GoT...


Depression and fatigue are closely linked love.... You've not mentioned a mood drop here?

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## OldMike

> Depression and fatigue are closely linked love.... You've not mentioned a mood drop here?


I agree totally depression can cause fatigue and fatigue can worsen depression, I'm sure when you see the Bluetones that will give you a boost.

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## Jaquaia

> Depression and fatigue are closely linked love.... You've not mentioned a mood drop here?


It's just getting normal to me now

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## Suzi

But you were going to keep a note of them all? Are you still doing that?

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## Jaquaia

I have to confess that I haven't. It completely slipped my mind.

Had a really lovely day. J enjoyed his track experience then we went to the Castle Museum then to Pizza Hut for lunch then to the theatre. It's a scaffolding replica of the Globe Theatre 
http://www.shakespearesrosetheatre.com/

Twelfth Night was absolutely incredible!!!! They updated it to the 1920's, added songs but kept Shakespeare's dialogue and it was brilliant! I laughed so much!

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## Suzi

Could you start one? 

The pictures look awesome! So glad you love Twelfth Night!!

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## Jaquaia

Finishing the washing off but I'm so tired. 

Apparently I'm getting another niece, my sister sent me a gender reveal video yesterday (I really don't get American culture creeping into everything) and then got home to my mum going on about it and as soon as my brother left she started going on about it again. J is pretty annoyed at my family's insensitivity, he thinks my sister could have been a bit more compassionate in how she told me since she knows how big a deal it is for me, but it's something I'm just going to have to get used to.

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## Suzi

Oh hunni..... I agree they could be a bit more sensitive, but I understand the excitement and the joy side of it too.... It's a tricky one.

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## Paula

Im sorry its upset you but, sweetie, how would you have felt if theyd told everyone except you?

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## Jaquaia

It's not really. It will be how it's always been. Can't say anything to upset my sister and I come a long way behind. It's been like that for as long as I can remember.

He never said about not telling me, he said about being more compassionate. Wouldn't simply telling me "we're having a girl" be more compassionate then the huge song and dance that was made, why did I need the video sending to me?

It doesn't matter.

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## Suzi

Of course it matters!!!! It definitely matters!

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## Jaquaia

I made curry from scratch... tasted lovely but most of it went in the bin...

A tablespoon of hot chilli powder was a bit too much!!!

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## Suzi

OO yes! My boys like it that hot, but it's too much for me! 
Well done on making it though!

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## Paula

Ouch lol, I used to love them hot but meds mean Im a bit of a wus nowadays  :O:

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## Jaquaia

I used to be able to eat them fairly hot too! Now I normally stick with butter chicken, korma or pasanda

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## Suzi

Lol! So what recipe were you using that called for the "kill-a-donkey" amount of chilli?  :(rofl): 

How are you today?

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## Jaquaia

https://tasty-co.cdn.ampproject.org/...-chicken-curry

I'm ok but tired. Going to do some reading for one of my new modules today, it will give me chance to try and get used to my pen grip too.

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## Suzi

Wow! That's a lot of spice! 
Good for you, but make sure you pace too please....

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## Jaquaia

Yes. And it was hot chilli powder too, wouldn't have been so bad with mild  :(rofl): 

I will try. I'd like to get a chapter read if I can

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## Suzi

I'm going to try and make it for my boys at the weekend and I'll report back  :O:

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## Jaquaia

I used chilli flakes instead of fresh chilli so that may have increased the heat too as they had the seeds in  :(giggle): 

Just done my hand exercises... really feeling it!!!!

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## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):  re the Chillies!

Hand exercises are good then?

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## Jaquaia

My hands are a bit achey but hopefully they'll help. 

And I paced. I read and took notes from 2 chapters then wemt back to Miss Peregrine and her peculiar children!

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## Suzi

I'm very proud! Pacing woohoo!  :):

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## Jaquaia

Tried strawberry soya milk today.... my god that stuff is disgusting!!!

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## Suzi

Eww, I've obviously seen it, but just couldn't bring myself to try it - glad you have, so I now don't have to!  :):

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## Jaquaia

It wasn't even pink!!!! More of a dirty beige colour!!!

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## Suzi

Ewwwwwwwwww!

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## OldMike

> Tried strawberry soya milk today.... my god that stuff is disgusting!!!


Soya strawberry milk sounds okay to me even though I've never had it  :):

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## Jaquaia

In theory, yes. In reality, noooooo!!!

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OldMike (07-08-19)

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## magie06

That sounds so disgusting. I'm glad that we have a resident tester here, so we don't have to try these things!  :(rofl):

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## Jaquaia

It tasted like it hadn't even seen a strawberry!!!

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OldMike (07-08-19)

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## Suzi

It probably hadn't! lol

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## Angie

Blend some strawberries and mix them into the normal soya milk or milk you use with some sugar if you want it

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## Strugglingmum

Im not a big flavoured milk lover however I use almond milk and I do like it blended with cold coffee. It's really refreshing. X

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## Jaquaia

I don't mind almond milk. I might have to try it with strawberry milkshake mix, I'd rather have water on my cereal then try soya again!

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## Suzi

Oat milk on cereal works well - as it does in tea/coffee/hot chocolate. 
Coconut milk works well in things like overnight oats too!

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## Jaquaia

Oat milk was out of stock this week, ended up with sweetened almond milk as the unsweetened was out of stock too. 

Cutting out dairy has made a huge difference, I seem to be ok with tiny amounts, but the only time I now seem to have issues is when I've eaten something containing dairy.

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## Suzi

I found it made a huge difference to me too...

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## Strugglingmum

Made a huge difference to me. I use unsweetened almond milk in my coffee and on my cereal. I take my tea black or have green tea. The thing I miss most is beautiful cheese. However, its just not worth the pain (well sometimes it is :(giggle): )

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## Jaquaia

Learned how to do a rolling stop this morning, it was a really good lesson and I enjoyed getting behind the wheel again after a weeks break! Hoovered the full house and given the bathroom a quick once over, going to reward myself with the afternoon reading now.

Thought I'd share this. This is my middle finger without my splint...


And my middle finger with my splint...

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## magie06

That looks very painful.

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## Jaquaia

It's actually not painful at all. I never even noticed it until the OT pointed it out. It's known as a swan neck deformity and is due to the RA. If left untreated it would end up like this... https://www.gponline.com/glance-swan...rticle/1019649

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## Suzi

Is it comfortable with the finger splints? 

Hooray for driving! Well done for hoovering - but did you have to do the whole house in one go? 
I'm glad you're pacing this afternoon though!

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## Jaquaia

I struggle if my fingers are swollen as they get tight and they're not fun when it's hot as they're hard plastic. I'm going to get them in silver at some point though so they look like jewellery rather than a medical device. They do work though, they stop the joint dropping.

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## Suzi

Glad they help lovely x

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## Jaquaia

Just finished Regeneration by Pat Barker. It feels wrong to say I enjoyed it but it was brilliantly written.

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## Suzi

OO haven't come across that one yet...

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## Jaquaia

I read part of it as part of the WW1 literature section of my eng lit a level. It's the first part of a trilogy and beautifully written.

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## Suzi

I'll look out for it. Thanks love. 

How are you today? What plans have you got?

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## Jaquaia

I'm not sure yet. Might do some more pre-reading for uni

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## Suzi

Sounds fun!

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## Jaquaia

My books start getting sent out next week so it will be good to start getting into the habit

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## Suzi

It will x How's your day been?

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## Jaquaia

Well I ended up just digging a book out. And J is taking me to the bookshop in Pickering tomorrow so working out how much I have to spend!!!

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## Suzi

Woohoo! At least then he can carry them!

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## Jaquaia

Google Yorkshire Quality Paperback and have a look at some of the photos. It's like heaven!!!!!  :(inlove):

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## Suzi

OMG That's just like Foyle's used to be in the centre of London! I loved it in there!

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## Jaquaia

None of the books are more than £3 either!!! I paid £1.75 for To Kill a Mockingbird!!!

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## Suzi

Oh wow! That is the most amazing shop!

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## Jaquaia

I will post a pic of my haul!  :(giggle):

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## Suzi

Oh please do!  :):

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## Jaquaia

£43 between me and J... considering 3 of my books were £1 and nothing is more than £3, you can imagine how many we bought!  :(giggle):

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## Suzi

That's awesome!

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## Jaquaia

Suzi!!!



Spent a lovely evening at his parents, I sat talking to them while he went and painted a model and we ended up talking about possibilities for the wedding and his mum suggesting places to try for an engagement ring! Think they've accepted me?  :(giggle): 

No idea why the photo has loaded upside down...

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## Suzi

That's a great haul! 
Catcher in the Rye is cool! That Stephen King is brilliant...... I've read Rebecca too!

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## Jaquaia

I've never gotten around to reading them!

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## Mira

That Stephen King book is the only one I managed to read in the last few years. I loved it.

And from what I can tell you are not only accepted but already part of the family. I think they can tell how happy you are making there son.

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Jaquaia (12-08-19)

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## Suzi

Mira is right, you are loved and wanted in their family!

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Jaquaia (12-08-19)

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## Jaquaia

I even felt comfortable enough to give his dad grief back when he was teasing me about being from east Hull!

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## magie06

Of course you're accepted. Who wouldn't accept you? You are kind, thoughtful, caring, friendly, loving, cheerful! Will I go on??? Okay then, sharing, bright, brilliant, able, adventurous, capable, decisive, fabulous, agreeable.
Jaq you are just you and everyone loves you for that.

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Jaquaia (12-08-19),Paula (12-08-19),Suzi (12-08-19)

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## Jaquaia

I'm blushing now!!! I really don't see that I'm anything special. 

We were putting cupboards together for his workshop yesterday and he made a mistake, he hammered the dowel in a bit too far and it went through the side. He said he found it really weird that he wasn't being shouted at and it was strange that he didn't feel in the least bit stressed doing that with me. I just love that we can do the everyday boring stuff and still enjoy being around each other. I enjoyed sitting and talking to his parents while he painted a model for the museum and I feel comfortable in the village too.

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Suzi (12-08-19)

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## magie06

That's an awesome post. IMO you feel at home when you're with your soul mate and I think in J you've found yours.

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Suzi (12-08-19)

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## Jaquaia

I think so too. It's 2 years next month (though officially just over a year) and I still can't help but smile when I hear his car pull up, I still get excited when I get to see him and I still get butterflies. I am completely myself around him, he knows my vulnerabilities too, it's very rare I feel comfortable enough to let someone see that side of me.

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## OldMike

It's so easy to hammer those dowels in a bit too far when you're assembling flat pack stuff I've done it's annoying but not the end of the world.

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## Suzi

I LOVE the last few posts!!!!! I'm so pleased for you both!

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Jaquaia (12-08-19)

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## Jaquaia

I absolutely adore him and my mum has said that it's obvious that he feels exactly the same  :(inlove): 

I'll let you know when to buy a hat  :O:

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## Paula

Ive been looking over the last weeks posts and am beaming  :):  theyre so, so positive and full of pride in your new life

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Jaquaia (12-08-19),Suzi (13-08-19)

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## Jaquaia

I am truly happy for probably the first time in my life and it doesn't matter how bad my head gets, I know he will be there no matter what. He is probably the only man I've ever felt completely safe with and I know he will support me no matter what I choose to do. It's hard not to feel positive when you have someone constantly telling you that they believe in you and are behind you no matter what  :(inlove):

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magie06 (12-08-19),Paula (12-08-19),Suzi (13-08-19)

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## Suzi

That's such a monumentally awesome post!

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## Jaquaia

Just been emailed my course handbook ready for September... cue panic!!! I'm going to be a nervous wreck before my first class!!!

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## Suzi

You are not going to panic - you don't need to. You've got this and we're with you. Every step of the way.

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## Jaquaia

Well I've dealt with an issue with the suggested reading, they gave the wrong author for one of the books but it's all sorted now. And I have access to one of the books online through the uni library so can start it while I get a copy

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## Suzi

Well done lovely!

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## Jaquaia

Mood is sliding, people are annoying me and I'm irritable. All I want to eat is chocolate and I have stomach ache... Hibernating until the weekend me thinks!

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## Suzi

:Panda:  Are you keeping note of your mood? I assume it's TOTM? Are you noticing the slide each time? Is it something you could talk to your GP about?

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## Jaquaia

I need to get organised hence me putting it here. If I don't notice it, J does. And yes it is. I haven't had one 5 weeks apart in nearly 2 years so I'm wondering if I've lost a bit more weight.

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## Suzi

Could be...

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## Jaquaia

I really enjoyed my driving lesson this morning! Everything felt so much better and I was about 95% independent too! We worked on my gear changes too as 2nd gear has been a struggle and everything just felt so much better by the end!

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## Suzi

That's so positive! I'm loving the positivity right now!  :):

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Jaquaia (15-08-19)

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## Jaquaia

I can have a laugh with Bob and it makes it so much easier to relax and enjoy it. When I think of how I was when I first started... I'm actually impressed with just how far I've come!

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Suzi (15-08-19)

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## Paula

Well done  :): . Have you put in for the theory?

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## Jaquaia

Not yet. I really need to focus on that.

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## Jaquaia

Stereophonics new album pre-ordered, folders and dividers ordered for my next modules and bought one of the suggested books for my level 1. J is worried that he's upset me as my mood isn't right and it's concerning him and is it bedtime yet?

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## Suzi

It's very nearly bedtime in my house! 
What's causing the mood issues?

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## Jaquaia

Probably TOTM. I'm really irritable and just want to be left alone with my book but then I'm struggling to concentrate for any length of time

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## Paula

:Panda:

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Jaquaia (15-08-19)

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## Suzi

Morning gorgeous, how are you this morning?

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## Jaquaia

Tired, low, frustrating the hell out of J as I won't actually admit I'm feeling low even though he can read me like a book. Going to get up soon and got take meds/eat/drink, I just really can't be bothered

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## Paula

Why on earth wont you admit it to him?

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## Jaquaia

Stubborness, not wanting to worry him, not being used to someone worrying about me, stubborness...

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## Paula

And yet you tell him off for doing the same thing ....

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## Jaquaia

I embrace hypocrisy...


... and I don't think I'm as important...

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## Paula

You are so very important, to so many people

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## Jaquaia

I don't understand why. And I know that's because I'm probably struggling to get past my view of myself

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## Paula

At least youre recognising that your view of yourself might not be correct ...

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## Jaquaia

I keep telling J that everyone can't be wrong so I have to apply that to myself really don't I?

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## Paula

Yeap  :O:

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## Suzi

> Tired, low, frustrating the hell out of J as I won't actually admit I'm feeling low even though he can read me like a book. Going to get up soon and got take meds/eat/drink, I just really can't be bothered


But how would you feel if roles were reversed? 



> And yet you tell him off for doing the same thing ....


Exactly..



> I embrace hypocrisy...
> 
> 
> ... and I don't think I'm as important...


You ARE important - to him, to us, to your friends, to so many people.... 



> You are so very important, to so many people


Look, Paula agrees, we can't both be wrong... 



> I keep telling J that everyone can't be wrong so I have to apply that to myself really don't I?


Absolutely. It's about time that you stopped, breathed and started to believe that you aren't all that you think of yourself and that actually there are people who love you, who want to be there for you and who wants to know everything about you and what's going on in your head  - besides, if you don't tell him, imagine what he thinks might actually be wrong....... I promise you, you don't want that for him. I've been there and I know where your head goes...

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## Jaquaia

He's already smug that Paula agrees with him!!!!

I was talking to Bob on Thursday and he said he thinks I'm lovely and he'd be happy to be friends with me away from lessons. He also said that I'm a very strong person inside, I offer so much support to others but when it comes to myself I tend to freeze and flap a bit. I don't think I can disagree with him really...

I've promised J that I will try harder to tell him when I'm struggling

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## Suzi

So now he can be extra smug!

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## Jaquaia

He is!!!!

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## Suzi

Good!  :):

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## Jaquaia

We're going book shopping!!!!  :(party): 

Well I am running low on books  :(giggle):

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## Suzi

One of my favourite pastimes! Enjoy yourself!

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## Jaquaia

We were supposed to be moving all his books ready for painting and just added to the problem instead  :(giggle):

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## Suzi

OO those look fantastic! 
Having fun then?

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## Jaquaia

Moved about a thousand books but it's nice just spending a decent amount of time with him  :):

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## Suzi

Are those becoming your "to read" pile?

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## Jaquaia

:(giggle):  he's having the living room painted so they all needed moving so the decorator could move the bookcases

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like he has a library! That's like that bit in Beauty and the Beast where he gives his love one of her greatest things - his library!  :):  *sings "Tale as old as time"...*

----------


## Paula

Katies favourite film - she says her wedding will have hints of Belle in it  :O:

----------

Suzi (19-08-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

> Sounds like he has a library! That's like that bit in Beauty and the Beast where he gives his love one of her greatest things - his library!  *sings "Tale as old as time"...*


Except he would never give me his library!!!! They're all railway books too!!! 




> Katies favourite film - she says her wedding will have hints of Belle in it


My friends is getting married next year and they're having a disney themed wedding!

----------


## Flo

How are things with Le Man Jaq? Any closer to a conclusion?

----------


## Jaquaia

He emailed the solicitor today to ask if they have any idea of a completion date

----------


## Suzi

Hopefully soon! It always amazes me how long things take...

----------


## Jaquaia

Well last night we ordered a carpet and a new sofa together and the decorator is in this week to sort the living room out. I've told him he needs to declutter and sort out as things go back and start boxing her stuff up. I think he's listened so far...

----------


## Suzi

OOOO choosing carpets and sofas?! That's awesome!

----------


## Jaquaia

A dark grey carpet and a charcoal and black sofa. The walls are being painted a really light grey and pale green. I just want to make it a home for him. 

We didn't do much really, just more of the everyday boring stuff but I loved it. I felt so peaceful and content. Saturday we went up to the bookshop in Pickering and took the extra scenic route home, he cooked for me and we put the rest of the cupboards together for his workshop then just curled up on the sofa. He found it weird that I wasn't bothered by him writing for his blog, but the way I see it, we can spend time together without doing exactly the same thing. I was happy enough just sitting with him and binge watching Black Books, I didn't need his undivided attention. Sunday we moved his books and popped into Hull to buy some storage for the workshop then went to his parents. Yet these past few days are the most peaceful I've felt in a long time. I feel so happy and content and not as closed in. And I've slept a lot better too. I settle so much better with him.

----------


## Suzi

It's the boring and everyday things that make relationships.

----------


## Jaquaia

I can't wait to share more of the boring everyday things with him  :(inlove):

----------


## Suzi

I know lovely... Hope it is really soon x

----------


## Jaquaia

He's worth the wait. It's hard, very hard at times, but he's my soulmate. I frustrate the hell out him at times and he does me, but we've come through so much over the last 2 years, we can get through anything together.

----------


## Suzi

Awww you're so sweet! I'm so pleased for you! You sound genuinely happy and "centred" itms?

----------


## Jaquaia

I am genuinely happy, for probably the first time in my life. I think I'm much more focused with him. He is so supportive of whatever I want to do and is always offering encouragement. He can manage my moods pretty well, I mean he's like a dog with a bone and will not leave me alone until I actually tell him what's wrong and then gets really smug when he finds out he guessed right! He can read me like a book and isn't afraid of telling me when my mood is concerning him. Sunday was pretty rough at times yet he just made me snuggle up on the sofa as he knew that was what I needed. 

He doesn't want me caring for my mum once I move in either as he thinks caring like I am now and full time study, counselling qualifications and driving in and out of Hull several times a week with how my head can be, will be too much for me. I'm inclined to think he's right as I struggle now and I live in the same house! 

I'm not used to someone looking after me and putting me first, but what I do know, no matter how my head can be, everything just feels right with the world when I'm with him. It all probably sounds really soppy but he makes me feel so, so loved.

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad he is helping you see what it's like to be loved. 
What is the plan for your Mum? Get SS to get carers in for her?

----------


## Jaquaia

If I'm honest, she could probably do a bit more than she currently does. She has no active disease in her hands now, just some in her wrists. Her rheumatologist did ultrasounds yesterday. She has plenty of aids to protect her joints and there are plenty available. My dad is here, so he could do some of the things I do and my sister works part time, she could actually help. 

One of my worries is Talia. I can't take her with me to J's as she hates cats and J has a cat...

----------

Suzi (20-08-19)

----------


## Paula

Im glad youre not planning on caring for your mum. Youre moving forward with your life now and you need to focus on that. As you say, there are other options.

WRT Talia, I know you took her on as there was no other option at the time so how do you feel about not having her in your life? I was thinking maybe it would be best if you looked for a good rescue centre that would find a new home for her. I know it sounds tough but if you dont think shell get the care she needs with your parents, it could be your best option. Or, I dont even know if they do it, but could you see if a centre would look for a home while shes still living with you, sort of as a foster, and then she might not need to go into kennels

----------


## Jaquaia

I would miss her but I'm not a dog person and she prefers my mum anyway. I can see me getting absolutely slated about not being able to take her too. I don't know what to do really. I'd probably be expected to put my life on hold by certain members of my family...

----------


## Paula

Hunni, you do know what to do, it just might mean some confrontation .....

----------


## Suzi

I agree with Paula. Could your Mum really cope with her? What about when she messes during the night etc? I am a dog person, but I also know my own limitations and what would be fair on the dogs in my care etc....

I think you need to put YOU first and, quite frankly, f*ck what abyone else might think....

----------


## Jaquaia

To be honest, I feel completely stuck. I only took her on as my mum wanted her as she was attached to her. My sister and b-i-l are talking about getting a dog but they won't want Talia. Anyway, it's not something I need to think about just yet as it will be a while before I move in. I will look at my options though.

She's at the vets for her boosters tomorrow. I also need to get them to investigate a lump...

----------


## Suzi

Oh I'm sorry about the lump...

----------


## Jaquaia

Hopefully it's just a fatty lump. I'll ask them tomorrow.

----------


## Suzi

Hope so lovely...

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm currently curtain shopping. J has asked me to email his mum with suggestions.

----------


## Suzi

Lol! I love that you are helping to redecorate and get rid of her  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

He said he wants me to feel comfortable there as it's going to be our home so he wants my input  :(inlove): 

I told his dad that I was making him start to box her stuff up...

"GOOD!!! It's a shame it's not the 5th of November..."  :(giggle):

----------

Strugglingmum (20-08-19)

----------


## Suzi

I like his thinking! Although unceremoniously dumping it in her front garden might be just as satisfying!

----------


## Jaquaia

Well the vet doesn't think the lump is anything to worry about but to keep an eye on it. If it gets bigger then they can put a needle in to draw out some cells and get it tested. They're getting the nurses to work out cost and ring me so I know how much I'll be looking at. Talia was actually really good! Didn't bark at any other dogs, was actually decent on the lead and was good with the vet.

----------

Suzi (21-08-19)

----------


## Paula

Do you pay for Talia then?

----------


## Jaquaia

My dad often insists on paying. I need to look at insurance really but I don't even know where to start.

----------


## Paula

Petplan are possibly the most well known but not the cheapest. Others include Aviva - theres loads of insurers out there at all different levels of costs but it may be better to look at the monthly cost and just put that money to one side. Though that does become an issue when big bills come eg if shes seriously ill or has an accident. One thing youll need to look at is whether theyll pay for ongoing medication - for arthritis etc

----------


## Jaquaia

She's fairly healthy, just a little chunky... and she's starting to get old now. I'm noticing white hairs on her face. I will look next time I have my laptop out. Think she's had all the excitement she can take for one day as she's snoring her head off!

----------


## magie06

Is she agressive towards cats? The only reason I ask is my neighbours have both a cat and a dog and they get along great together. Maybe, J's cat and 'your' dog might do the same.

----------


## Jaquaia

She hates cats and J doesn't think the cat will accept another animal in the house

----------


## Suzi

I'm so glad they don't think it's anything to worry about! 
We looked at insurance but it's a minefield! So many to choose from and so many which are so similar! And so many different reviews!

----------


## Jaquaia

The booster seems to have knocked her out a bit, she's been asleep all day.

----------


## Suzi

Aww! Must be the excitement of the day!

----------


## Jaquaia

I did new roads!!!! And more roundabouts!!! And it went really well and I'm so pleased with myself right now!!!

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo! Positivity always!

----------


## Jaquaia

I did panic a little but I dealt with it a lot better than I thought I would. My speed was good, I was judging gaps better, my gear changes were smoother, junctions worked well and I learnt a downhill start. 

I'm going to reward myself with a night out to see Idlewild and the Doves  :O:

----------


## Paula

:(party):

----------


## Suzi

Hooray! Enjoy your night out!

----------


## Jaquaia

They were AMAZING!!!! My back and hip are so stiff from standing all evening now but so worth it!

----------


## Suzi

So glad you had a good time!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Done a couple of mock tests... 27 and 35...

Eek! Really need to finish reading the bloody highway code!!!

----------


## Suzi

Have you booked it?

----------


## Jaquaia

No not yet. I would only panic at the moment. I need to work on the theory and will book it when I feel more comfortable

----------


## Suzi

Good plan!

----------


## Jaquaia

Well my brother got engaged over the weekend to a lovely, lovely person. She's a primary school teacher and she loves books! My dads first reaction was "well I aren't buying a suit". So you know that when we plan our wedding I'm going to tell my dad it's a morning suit, right up to the point they go and buy them. If he wants to give me away, he'll surely want to make me happy??  :(devil):

----------


## magie06

Congratulations to the happy couple. 
When I got married we rented the suits for the lads, including the dads. We even hired the shirts. Is that an option for you?

----------


## Jaquaia

Probably. It's more that I want to wind my dad up, he hates wearing suits, he'll hate a morning suit even more!!!

----------


## Suzi

Congratulations to your brother! 
 :(rofl):  to winding up your Dad!

----------


## Jaquaia

He's got it coming. Our wedding days are about us joining with the people we want to share our lives with. Surely wearing a suit and tie until the photos at least are done isn't too much to ask?

----------


## Suzi

Hey I wore heels for mine  :O:  Well, I wore them out of the flat, to the registry office, down the aisle, for the photos and then to the car. There I took them off and didn't put them back on again!

----------


## Jaquaia

Not sure why I'm even looking yet as it's a long way off but I've seen an amazing pair of low heeled boots!

----------


## Suzi

Doesn't hurt to window shop  :O:

----------


## magie06

Do we need to start looking for hats??  :O:

----------


## Strugglingmum

My friend wore gorgeous boots from Irregular Choice. They were really lovely in ivory. Like old fashioned granny boots...... if that is still a term anyone understands.!!  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B071D5J7..._J8ezDbBJYBTQK

I think these are gorgeous!  :(inlove): 

Eventually magie but it's a long way off yet!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Oooooo they are gorgeous!!!

----------


## Suzi

They are stunning!

----------


## Jaquaia

They probably won't be available by the time we set the date though.

----------


## magie06

There's nothing wrong with buying them now and putting them in your bottom drawer.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm travelling to Brid to meet J from work. I'm wearing jeans... DO NOT wear jeans out there people or you will end up a sticky, puddly mess!!!

----------


## Suzi

I am a puddle of sweaty mess! And I'm not in jeans! Can't wait for tomorrow to be cooler...

----------


## Flo

They're lovely boots! Agree with Magie...buy them now and keep them until you have a day organised. If you have my luck they'll be discontinued when you want them next! Sod's Law! Hasn't your life changed a lot in the past year? Think you've been through the worst....the best is yet to come! :Hedgehog:

----------


## Jaquaia

Hopefully the money will be sorted by Christmas and we can look at going public.

----------

Flo (31-08-19),OldMike (31-08-19),Strugglingmum (31-08-19),Suzi (31-08-19)

----------


## Flo

> Hopefully the money will be sorted by Christmas and we can look at going public.


Not before time eh? Jolly good!

----------


## Jaquaia

I've actually started my level 2 work. Struggling to focus a little but I've made a start. From what I gather, some of the assessments involve writing a false case study and suggestions ways of treating the issues... if I don't ace that I should hang my head in shame!!!

I'm irritable at the moment so can tell I'm struggling a little. Starting to get anxious about starting my level 1 too. Actually leaving the house and going to study with actual people??? Help!

----------


## OldMike

I'm sure you'll be okay Jaq, real people aren't as scary as you imagine them and when you get there and meet them I'm sure you'll soon settle.

----------

Jaquaia (01-09-19)

----------


## Angie

Deep breath hunni, please remember how far you have come to get where you are right now? I know it will be hard but you can do it, can you start to go out more and do this gradually to try and get used to being around people?

----------

Jaquaia (01-09-19)

----------


## Suzi

Always at the end of a text if you need. Which you won't because you are amazing and you have got this.

----------

Jaquaia (01-09-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

This course is so far out of my comfort zone but I know I need to do this, for me as much as for my career.

----------


## Suzi

If I didn't think you could do it then I'd tell you. I know you can do it and I know you're going to be a brilliant counsellor when you've finished all your training...

----------

Jaquaia (01-09-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Thank you! I'm certainly going to try.

----------


## Suzi

You'll do it!

----------


## Jaquaia

I wish I had even half the faith in me that you do

----------


## Suzi

Pfft, you can borrow some of the faith I have in you if you like? I can have it shipped via hermes?

----------

Jaquaia (01-09-19)

----------


## magie06

:(rofl): 
You can do it! You've come so far in the past year, when you get your assignments in on time, you might see that you can do it too.

----------

Jaquaia (01-09-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I hope so. My mood is low tonight, probably because I'm worrying about it. I can see it now, I'll be absolutely fine after my first class, it's just the build up to the unknown itms? I'll take my extra anxiety meds next Monday and maybe go into town early so I remove the worry of being late. I can always take some uni work to do in Costa

----------


## magie06

Is it a big campus, maybe a trip there over the weekend to see how long the journey is, where the registration room is, the canteen and of course the loo, where you can go and hide for a few minutes if you need to? Or maybe try it sometime this week with morning rush hour, schools back, etc? This might help just a little bit.

----------

Strugglingmum (02-09-19),Suzi (02-09-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

It's where I had my last lot of counselling so I already know where it is, it's more that it's a completely new (to me) counsellor teaching the course and at least 9 completely new people that I will have to talk to.

----------


## Suzi

Jaq, they will love you as much as we do. You're an incredibly loveable person you know.... 
However, if you weren't concerned about it then you wouldn't be you and you wouldn't be the same as everyone else there - everyone has some level of anxiety/insecurity....

----------


## Jaquaia

I know. Logically I do know all this. The logical bit of my mind doesn't always work though and it seems to be on holiday this week.

----------


## Suzi

You aren't going to be looking at it logically when you are in the midst of it and the emotional panic sets in... But we've got you...

----------


## Jaquaia

Thank you. I need that today. I'm struggling. I feel pretty flat and low, I have a headache, I'm being awkward with J and I have no patience with my mum.

----------


## magie06

Can you put yourself into time out for a half an hour? It might help to practice a little bit of deep breathing and get your oxygen levels back on an even keel.

----------


## Jaquaia

I've been in my room nearly all afternoon. I've come down for tea and finished the shopping but brought a book down with me and J has been very bossy about my drinking too.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  :(bear):  for feeling flat and down - are you keeping note of it? Does it correlate with TOTM or anything?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know until it arrives as I'm not regular. I will keep an eye on things though.

----------


## Suzi

Keep an eye out love, keep tracking your moods....  And your stresses too.

----------


## Strugglingmum

It's hard to see things clearly when your head is in a mush. Lots of deep breathing and avoiding people (stress) for the next week. my daughter completed her first day at college today. She came out smiling and said it was good. A year ago she couldn't have contemplated that and there would have been so much SH with anxiety before, during and after. It's amazing the difference a year can make. From what you've said you have come even further in a year. Just like my daughter.... you can do this.

----------

Jaquaia (02-09-19),magie06 (03-09-19),OldMike (03-09-19),Suzi (02-09-19)

----------


## Suzi

SM that's awesome. 

Jaq - you can do this. You are awesome.

----------

Jaquaia (03-09-19)

----------


## Mira

:Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (03-09-19)

----------


## Angie

:(bear):  You can do it hunni xx

----------

Jaquaia (03-09-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Ok... now I'm feeling a little brighter I know you're all right...

----------


## Suzi

You are awesome.

----------

Angie (05-09-19),Jaquaia (04-09-19)

----------


## OldMike

^^^ wss

----------

Jaquaia (04-09-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Today has been fun. Need my filling redoing as it's fallen out. Went to B&Q with J and then town for lunch. The pizza stall in the indoor market has become our place  :(inlove): . He pretty much held me captive until he dragged out of me that I was finding all the back to school photos hard this year as I snapped at him yesterday. He was going on about how much he didn't want A to start school and he got "well at least you get the first day at school" in return. Not my proudest moment. He ended up buying me a book and a copy of the highway code as struggling with the app. Then home, snuggling and me cocking up my injection. I rushed it as I was worried about forgetting to do it again, and now have a black bruise on my stomach! Eating enough chocolate to sink a battleship, and trying not to worry about how close Monday is coming!

----------


## Suzi

Oh sweetheart! I'm sorry, one of those back to school photos was mine. I blocked Sarah from seeing it (at her request) but didn't think... I'm sorry... 
I'm glad you got to spend time with him....

----------


## Jaquaia

You have no need to apologise. Yours amused me with Crash. It's just when that was all I saw for the past 2 days or posts from pregnant women complaining about being pregnant, and then he went on and on about not wanting A to go to school as he thought she was too little... it got a bit too much. I told him he needed to try and be a bit more sensitive sometimes. I've accepted that children won't happen for me but there are times when it still hurts.

----------


## Suzi

But I hate that I might have contributed to your pain.... For that, I'm sorry. 

It's OK to be hurting...

----------


## Jaquaia

It's something that I will have to get used to

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni  :(bear):   :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

I'll be ok.

----------


## Suzi

I know you will, but it doesn't stop it from hurting.

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't think it will ever stop hurting.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

In other news, Bob gets me to drive independently for the first 15/20 minutes of my lesson. He said on Thursday that if I'd been on my test I would have passed  :):

----------


## Suzi

OMG that's awesome!!!! Time to book a theory test??

----------

Jaquaia (07-09-19)

----------


## OldMike

Woo hoo brilliant  :(party):

----------

Jaquaia (07-09-19)

----------


## Angie

Yay!!!!!  :(party):

----------

Jaquaia (07-09-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

> OMG that's awesome!!!! Time to book a theory test??


Not yet. I need to put down my novels and start focusing on my theory more. In the meantime, I need to continue building up my confidence. It's taken me 6 months to leave the area I initially had my lessons in, I need to build on that and then learn the rest of my manoeuvres.

----------


## Suzi

You are doing so brilliantly!

----------


## Jaquaia

When I think of how I was when I first started learning with Bob, I can see how far I've come. Thursday for example, I started great but made a mistake that completely threw me. I started flapping and making mistakes; indicating wrong, forgetting to cancel my indicator and struggling to get my gear while I drove the new bit of the circuit. Bob pointed out that I was tensing up so I took a few deep breaths, started doing a commentary drive and asked to do it again as I'd managed to relax enough to get pretty much everything right. I just need to remember that gentler bends don't cancel the indicator. Even just month ago I would have had to pull over and stop.

----------


## Suzi

You are doing so amazingly well! I really am very, very proud of you!

----------

Jaquaia (07-09-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm really enjoying driving, I'm so pleased that J talked to his friend about my lessons as I think I would have quit completely if I'd stuck with her. 

2 more sleeps and my course starts. I'd be lying if I said I was completely relaxed about it but I can deal with that Monday

----------


## Suzi

You're going to be more than fine lovely. You can do this. I'd tell you if I didn't think you could.... In a nice way, but I'd still tell you...  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

Ever so slightly stressed. My sister in 30 today. Apparently when my mum rang her this morning to wish her happy birthday, she kicked off about her presents, pretty much saying that they weren't special, they never bothered asking what she wanted and the only one who got her a special present was me. That our brother gave her money and a voucher for a meal and he'd babysit. My mum pointed out that they've offered loads to babysit and always been told no. She then went on to have a go at my mum for not asking how they all were and turning everything back to her, she never asks about the baby etc. My mum came up to tell me as she was feeling low so I went downstairs and told my dad. He ordered her presents, not my mum. I'm sick of my mum always getting grief off her.

So much for trying to stay calm today, my anxiety is sky high now.

----------


## Suzi

Well done for getting her something special! It sounds incredibly rude of her to kick off like that. Your poor Mum and poor you!

----------


## Suzi

Hey gorgeous, how'd it go today?

----------


## Jaquaia

I really enjoyed it. I ended up taking both anxiety meds before I went and it took an hour for my stomach to stop churning but I thought it was brilliant. Starting next week, we spend the second half of the session role-playing counsellor/client in small groups. Everyone seems really nice too.

----------


## Suzi

WOOHOO!!!! Can I just add in an "I-told-you-so?" I knew you'd be awesome and I'm so glad you've done it! Day 1 is always the hardest! I've got the biggest grin!

----------

Jaquaia (09-09-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

If you must!  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

La la le la la! Told you so!!!

----------


## Jaquaia

Can tell I've started flaring when I'm willingly wearing my compression gloves to sleep in...

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (10-09-19)

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------

Jaquaia (10-09-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I've started my uni work, I know, super-organised! Done a weeks work for one module and just starting another one! Getting nervous as meeting J's friend on saturday, we're going to her husbands surprise 40th so expect me to be flapping on saturday!!!

Oh and TOTM so that would explain the low mood recently!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Well impresssed. Sorry i missed that you had started. Glad it went well. 
When I did my level 2 counselling skills I must say I found the role plays a bit awkward to start with but soon got into the swing of them. Enjoy. Hope your weekend goes well. Party with J. That's a huge thing when you think how unthinkable it would have been just a few months ago.

----------

Jaquaia (12-09-19),Suzi (12-09-19)

----------


## Mira

Thats a great thing to look forward to and I am sure it will be great. With J there as well what can go wrong?    Nothing.

----------

Jaquaia (12-09-19),Suzi (12-09-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

> Well impresssed. Sorry i missed that you had started. Glad it went well. 
> When I did my level 2 counselling skills I must say I found the role plays a bit awkward to start with but soon got into the swing of them. Enjoy. Hope your weekend goes well. Party with J. That's a huge thing when you think how unthinkable it would have been just a few months ago.


I'm scared stiff as K is like a sister to him but apparently she's really looking forward to meeting me. 

We start role playing next week, apparently we'll be working in groups and there'll be 1 client, 1 therapist and 1 or 2 observers and we'll swap round. 




> Thats a great thing to look forward to and I am sure it will be great. With J there as well what can go wrong?    Nothing.


I always feel awkward at parties but it's a big thing meeting one of his best friends!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Yes that's how we did it. The observers take notes and feedback how the role play went. It is a great learning exercise and does get easier as you relax with people. I was so self conscious to start with but then realised everyone was in the same boat and we just were able to laugh if things went tits up. 

Of course she wants to meet you. J loves you and she will too. X

----------

Jaquaia (12-09-19),Suzi (12-09-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I messaged her today and told her I was scared  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: less but we get on quite well via text so there's no reason we won't get on in person.

And she's promised she won't bite  :O:

----------


## Suzi

Text me whenever you need me on Saturday as I'll be dropping child A to uni! 
I know you'll have a great time. You're amazing and you make J happy - what else would a best friend want?

----------

Jaquaia (12-09-19),Strugglingmum (12-09-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I just need to work out how much cleavage is too much  :O:

----------


## Suzi

Darling, if you've got it flaunt it!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

It's not always possible to avoid flaunting it!  :(giggle):

----------


## Strugglingmum

From someone like an ironing board...... make me jealous is the level of cleavage you are aiming for!!  :(rofl):  its a party!!

----------


## Jaquaia

:(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

Yup, get the cleavage out, and have some fun!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Sat at the dentist now, can't check in as reception is closed but at least the aircon is on!

----------


## Suzi

Ewww!

----------


## Jaquaia

My dentist is quite dishy so I don't mind! My issue is I now have pins and needles in my lips as the injection is wearing off, but at least it means I soon won't feel like I'm dribbling when I'm drinking  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

I left early as I needed to go to the chemist and buy a drink too. For the first time in memory, the pharmacist was quick so ended up catching the same bus and ended up in town even earlier!!! Still, the weather is good and there is this pretty little square right outside

----------

Angie (16-09-19)

----------


## Suzi

You now have your antib's? How was the course today? 
That park is lovely!

----------


## Jaquaia

I have and taken my first one. My lower back is aching on the right side too so not liking that. I'm going to see how I feel on the antibiotics and consider cancelling my driving lesson this week. 

I loved it tonight! There was so much information and I found it all so interesting and we even had a go at counselling skills. It was brilliant and just increased my certainty that this is what I want to do. Even contemplating volunteering with the Samaritans

----------


## Suzi

Wow! Go you! Don't decide to volunteer until you are settled into your new routines - something about not running too fast?  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

It's something I want to do anyway but I wouldn't consider it until after Christmas at least. I want time to settle down into a routine with uni work and finish my level 1 and try and get my theory test out of the way first.

----------


## Suzi

Very sensible!

How are you today?

----------


## Jaquaia

Feeling a little rough, which I suppose is to be expected.

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  :(bear):  Can you take it easy today?

----------


## Jaquaia

I was just going to write my notes up for my folder and do my development diary, then J is popping before work.

----------


## Suzi

Good for you! Then I hope you are resting after that?

----------


## Jaquaia

I will try

----------


## Suzi

Good!

----------


## Jaquaia

Found out this morning that Tom's cancer has metastasized into his upper chest, stomach and lungs. He's having a week over here with his wife and starting aggressive treatment when he gets back

----------


## Suzi

Oh no! Hunni I'm so sorry....

----------


## Jaquaia

I think part of me was expecting it if I'm honest

----------


## Suzi

Are you talking to J and your group of friends about it?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've talked to J. He's offered to pay for me to go to a dinner for Tom in November but I can't justify the cost. Owing J so much money so close to Christmas would just cause me so much stress and anxiety.

----------


## Suzi

Why? How much would it be? Why not let him help you out with this. I hate to be brutal but you don't know how many of these he's going to be able to make..... Don't let pride get in the way of missing him and spending the rest of your life regretting it....

----------


## Jaquaia

£100 just for the ticket. Then train fare and hotel. It's a formal dinner so will need shoes and a posh frock too. Then travel between the hotel and where the dinner is being held. It could end up being £300+ for 1 night and barely any time with Tom as so many others will be there. Plus J can't really afford that kind of money himself at the moment and I have no idea when I can pay him back. I still owe my dad £200 from the May dinner.

----------


## Suzi

Is there any way that you can meet up with Tom without going?

----------


## Jaquaia

I doubt it. He spends a lot of time with family and army friends when he's over.

----------


## Suzi

Ask him!!!!

----------


## Jaquaia

Couple of things. I  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ed up a few times in my lesson. One was a big  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  up. My mind went blank and I was coming out of a junction and forgot to move my foot from break to accelerator and stalled across the road. No idea how I managed it, other than I was maybe focusing too much on the junction being very near a bend. But it didn't affect me as much as it would and I pulled it back. Even just 2 weeks ago that would have snowballed massively and totally derailed my lesson!!! And I chose to leave my comfort zone right at the beginning of the lesson. 

I've also decided to stop shaving my arms. My sister, and then dickhead, made me feel very self-conscious about my arm hair. It's taken me a while but I've finally realised that their bullying and bodyshaming says more about them and that I don't have to conform to their beauty standards. I'm still self-conscious, so much so that I checked with J if he'd be ok with it, but I just thought that if I strive to conform to what everyone else thinks then I would never be happy with myself.

----------


## Suzi

I'm so F*cking proud of you!!!! Those are both phenomenal!

----------

Jaquaia (19-09-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

They don't feel that amazing, just being an adult.

----------


## Suzi

Absolutely not!!!

It takes huge amounts of strength to pull it back from something like what happened to you in your driving lesson, and to tackle something which you are so self conscious about is just brilliant. If I had said the same you'd have been cheering me on.... Try cheering you on!

----------


## Jaquaia

I suppose so.

----------


## magie06

Suppose away all those doubts. You are awesome!!  :(party):

----------

Jaquaia (19-09-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't see it and I'm not sure I ever will

----------


## Suzi

Ahh, but you are at least accepting that we see the good things in you...

----------


## Jaquaia

You all can't be wrong

----------


## Suzi

Ahha!!! We have made progress!!!!! Woohoo!!!!  :(party):   :(party):   :(party):   :(party):

----------


## Jaquaia

:P: 

Headachey today but got some of my notes written up and settling to read Mansfield Park while I try and decide what to get J for his birthday

----------


## Suzi

hope the headache goes lovely...

----------


## Jaquaia

I've taken some paracetamol so fingers crossed

----------


## Jaquaia

Dad's been drinking all afternoon, so as you can imagine, this evening is fun...

----------


## Suzi

Hope you've managed to hide away from it all...

----------


## Jaquaia

I come upstairs as soon as my brother left

----------


## Suzi

Don't blame you...  :Panda:  :(bear):

----------


## Paula

Wow, hunni, youve done so much over the past month! Im really proud of you.

Im so sorry about Tom, love  :Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (21-09-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I've just done what I needed to do. 

Headachey again. I am resting, watched the Great Model Railway Challenge and the first episode of Life On Mars. I've done the washing today, a bit of ironing, cleaned the garden and finished sorting out J's birthday presents. Really tired so maybe flaring a little, I haven't taken my injection this week because of being on antibiotics.

----------


## Mira

That is a lot to do. I hope you are feeling rested now and have a great sunday.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm planning on doing some work today but I will take lots of breaks.

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing with pacing lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

Ok I think. Could probably do a lot better if I'm honest. My parents go away for a week first thing tomorrow so I have a peaceful week coming up.

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo!!!!
Can you work on being kind to you right now?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm going to start reading one of my uni books but I will read chapters of Mansfield Park in between to break it up. Need to finish writing up my notes from last Monday too. Going to try and remember to take my left splint tomorrow. We don't have tables to rest on and holding my notepad while I write can get uncomfortable

----------


## Suzi

That's a good idea - can you put it in your bag now so you don't forget or do you need it now?

----------


## Jaquaia

Possibly going to need it today as my wrist is achey. I haven't taken my methotrexate this week as I was told not to if I had an infection/needed antibiotics. Makes sense, surpressing the immune system won't really help the body fight off an infection

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

Managed to get a couple of hours with J. His parents have said about him having the children when he's off on a Tuesday, they've pretty much always been with grandparents up to now. I feel selfish that one of my first thoughts was we'd get even less time together then we do now.

----------


## Suzi

Do they want a break? 
It's after school isn't it? Can you find ways to get other time together?

----------


## Jaquaia

They stay over. As things are, he's either working or has the children and only 2 nights to himself a month. He volunteers at the museum so that takes up the Fridays he's off. He has commissions to do and work for the museum, which he can only really do while the children are at school so we'll have lunch some days. If he's off on a Thursday it doesn't work with my driving lesson, it would be a couple of hours before he has to go collect the children. If he's off at the weekend he has the children. He needs to fit in shopping and jobs in the house. Day shifts means the odd hour or so afterwards. Nights means the odd hour or so before. So the Tuesdays he's off have been the only time we've had a decent amount of time together and actually able to go do something. Losing that means we pretty much go back to snatching the odd hour here and there and I don't want that. I feel guilty and selfish for feeling that way but I want more time with him, not less.

----------


## Suzi

I can understand the way that you are feeling. 
Did he get to see his solicitor to push things forward a bit?

----------


## Jaquaia

Everything is being rewritten to give her all the money. He's emailed twice for an update and had no reply so is trying again today. He can't ring as his signalbox is broken so has even less time free at work.

----------


## Paula

All the money?

----------


## Jaquaia

Long story! But still less then she's legally entitled to so he's lucky she wants so little.

----------


## Suzi

Why would she take less than she's entitled to when she appears to be someone out for all she can get?

----------


## Jaquaia

Maybe waiting for him to "come to his senses" and take her back? I don't know. None of what she does makes sense to me. She claims she's trying to be amicable so the children can keep their home but she doesn't know the meaning of the word.

----------


## Suzi

It doesn't make sense to me either!

----------


## Jaquaia

Tonight was brilliant! I actually contributed to the group discussion!!! And I had my first go at being the counsellor and got really good feedback from my group. I'm enjoying it so much.

----------


## Suzi

That's fantastic! So pleased for you!

----------

Jaquaia (23-09-19)

----------


## Paula

Thats incredible! Youre  awesome  :):

----------

Jaquaia (23-09-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

One thing that came up during my turn as the client is that I seem to punish myself. I suppose that's true, I'm always quite dismissive about my achievements and sometimes downright negative. I've never thought of it in terms of punishing myself before but I suppose it's pretty accurate.

----------


## Suzi

That fits....

----------


## Paula

This course is going to be good for you, methinks

----------

Jaquaia (23-09-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I think it already is. I expected to fail miserably with my counselling skills but settled so quickly. When I got over feeling nervous and self-conscious it felt completely natural. I'm starting to think I was made for this.

----------


## Suzi

Good!

----------


## Jaquaia

I got to deal with the shopping on my own since the parental units are away. Went to put Talia's dry food away and didn't realise until the bag was empty that the scoop was at the bottom...  :Swear:  just need to make my bed and then I'm studying until tea then J is here later. This is pacing for me as my textbook is fascinating! I ended up wearing my splint all evening yesterday and my wrist feels a lot better today.

----------


## Suzi

Glad the splint helped. So, you're loving your textbook? Which one?

----------


## Jaquaia

Understanding counselling and psychotherapy. It's fascinating and will help with my counselling course too I think

----------

Paula (24-09-19)

----------


## Suzi

Sounds awesome.

----------


## Paula

Im so proud of you  :):

----------

Jaquaia (25-09-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

It feels absolutely ridiculous that I can travel home from town at night on my own and completely take it in my stride yet going across to the local shop in the daylight to withdraw my driving lesson money sets my heart racing

----------


## Paula

And yet you did it, thats whats important. you wouldnt have not so long ago ....l

----------


## Jaquaia

True. I couldn't even pull both bins out ready for emptying tomorrow as there was a worm in the way. It makes me feel pathetic. It's disheartening when I think I've finally got it under control, but I know it's that thing of a couple of steps back doesn't mean I'm going backwards. 

The OU have put quite an extensive disability profile together for me based on the form I filled in about my mental health issues and my RA. I wouldn't have one if there wasn't a need so I guess I need to remember that though I am a lot better than I was a year ago, I am still ill and there will be days where that makes itself known.

----------


## Flo

> It feels absolutely ridiculous that I can travel home from town at night on my own and completely take it in my stride yet going across to the local shop in the daylight to withdraw my driving lesson money sets my heart racing


 Who knows the logic behind it Jaq? Sometimes I wake up in the morning and freeze rigid with anxiety about what's going to happen during the day.......but then I can get into my car and want to drive for miles - even on M roads - as relaxed as can be. But maybe my car is my safe haven. I feel enclosed and safe. I even talk to my car when I'm in it!!...haha! Are you any closer to taking your test?

----------


## Suzi

You are amazing. All these things that last year you couldn't have done you can - they may still be hard, but you can do it. That makes you amazing.

----------


## Jaquaia

No Flo, need to work on my theory now, J is going to help me with that. I've started leaving my comfort zone pretty much straight away in my lesson though. So getting there, just slowly 




> You are amazing. All these things that last year you couldn't have done you can - they may still be hard, but you can do it. That makes you amazing.


Am I being too hard on myself again?

----------


## Paula

Yes, well done for recognising it  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Progress right?  :O:

----------


## Flo

Very much progress! Getting behind the wheel of a car and being in charge of it is a giant leap from your comfort zone. Doing that is quite something! And having J to help with your theory is a bonus. He strikes me as such a patient bloke!

----------


## Jaquaia

I often feel that he had more patience with me then I deserve

----------


## Suzi

You deserve nothing more than patience and love and respect and to be totally adored....

----------


## Jaquaia

I finally have that, I just wish it didn't have to be hidden...

----------


## Suzi

How much longer are you secret for?

----------


## Jaquaia

He says until all the paperwork is official

----------


## Paula

I still dont get why - it has no legal bearing on what happens with the kids ..... still, it is what it is,  any idea how long til the paperwork is sorted?

----------


## Jaquaia

Apparently the solicitor is waiting for her to sign a form to say she's happy to go ahead with the new agreement and then the papers can be drawn up and signed. Going to hazard a guess at a month minimum.

----------


## Suzi

So why is it taking so long?

----------


## Jaquaia

Her being awkward. She's had another go at him tonight when he went to drop T's coat off for tomorrow.

----------


## Suzi

But you guys have been together for a couple of years, can he not go down the route of irreconcilable differences?

----------


## Jaquaia

That doesn't actually exist in English law. It's unreasonable behaviour, adultery, separation of 2 years with spousal consent, separation of 5 years without spousal consent and desertion.

----------


## Suzi

But what about "unreasonable behaviour"?

----------


## Jaquaia

He has enough but he didn't want her to turn it into a war so he's going for separation but getting a deed of separation to agree things legally before going for divorce. It's this that's taking so long as she keeps finding something to argue about

----------


## Suzi

She's never going to agree, this way she is still controlling him.... 

How are you lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm tired and my wrist is really aching. Gear work is going to be fun this morning...

----------


## Suzi

Hope the driving has gone ok and that your wrist pain has eased love xx

----------


## Jaquaia

Driving went really well, once we swapped over I didn't stop and didn't have any instruction, just the odd prompting towards the end. Stayed more in my comfort zone today as it was raining and I've done hardly any driving in rain, plus learnt how to drive with glare on the road. I made a few mistakes but they didn't affect me that much, I dealt with them straight away. Wrist is feeling ok at the moment, I have my splint if it starts aching again.

----------


## Suzi

That's brilliant! Well done!

----------


## Jaquaia

Done a bit of adulting and set up another payment plan (online of course, don't like talking on the phone). On the one hand, it's pretty depressing that I owe just under £4400. On the other hand, I've paid over £2500 back with the council tax issue. It's taking a long time but I would rather do it on my own then let dickhead use helping me pay it as a manipulation tactic to get me back in his life. He doesn't get that control anymore. Though J is insisting that we'll sort it together as we're a partnership. I don't know what I ever did to deserve him  :(inlove):

----------


## Paula

Im so proud of you  :):

----------

Jaquaia (26-09-19)

----------


## Suzi

Well done love!

----------

Jaquaia (26-09-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I needed to get it sorted, necessity more than anything. 

Maybe not my best idea but I've done all the ironing. I couldn't get the thought out of my head that it needed doing

----------


## Suzi

But did you have to do it ALL in one sitting?

----------


## Jaquaia

No but my head wouldn't let me stop.

----------


## Angie

I hope that you are resting now xx

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm just doing something to eat then the plan is finish Life on Mars

----------

Angie (26-09-19)

----------


## magie06

Okay, so today you had your driving lesson, (major stress just a few weeks ago), made lunch and cleaned up, done laundry and ironing, made dinner and cleaned up, and you have the cheek to call me the duracell bunny!!  :(think):

----------


## Jaquaia

Just the ironing, I'm planning on washing the bit upstairs tomorrow. I don't tend to iron as I wash. And I cleaned up from lunch and tea at the same time since it was just me. Most of it falls to me so I can't keep leaving it to.build up.

----------


## Suzi

But it shouldn't just all fall to you....

----------


## Jaquaia

It shouldn't but it does. My dad does bits when he's not in pain but my mum does next to nothing now.

----------


## Suzi

Hmm, maybe that needs to change?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not sure how. She washes the pots occasionally but most of that and most of the cooking my dad does. I'm generally the one who does all the washing, and if it wasn't for them going away, the ironing pile would have been a lot bigger but my dad did what they were taking. It's generally me that changes the beds, hoovers and cleans the bathroom too.

----------


## Paula

What happens when you leave?

----------


## Jaquaia

I have no idea. J doesn't want me to carry on being my mums carer as he wants me to focus on my studies. He doesn't want me working either unless it fits around my studies. When I say about needing to pay my debts his answer is that we'll deal with it. I could maybe manage one day a week down here to do jobs but I think they need to downsize

----------


## Paula

Ok, but what do you want to do?

----------


## Jaquaia

I want to live my life. I want to build the career I want and have a home with the man I love. I want to be debt free. I don't want to have to rely on my mum and dad to keep me. I don't want the responsibility for everything to fall on my shoulders. I don't want to have to keep fighting with my mum to get her to take her medication properly. I don't want to have to put up with my dads drinking. And I don't want the constant assumption that I will be free to go to all my mums appointments

----------


## Paula

One of the things we talked about in Bath was looking at the values in our life - the things that are most important (family, relationships etc) and what we can do to achieve goals that contribute to those values. Ive found that really helpful in prioritising what I do now to work towards what is most important to me. So, if you could only have one of the items on your list, what would it be?

----------


## Jaquaia

Then as selfish as it sounds, I want to be able to live my life. I spend so much time doing things for others, I have for most of my life. I feel like I have missed out on so much. I want to live rather than exist

----------


## Suzi

Then what do you need to change to make that happen?

----------


## Paula

> Then as selfish as it sounds, I want to be able to live my life. I spend so much time doing things for others, I have for most of my life. I feel like I have missed out on so much. I want to live rather than exist


Thats not selfish at all. 
Then, how do you get to that?

----------


## Jaquaia

By doing what I am doing, getting qualified, learning to drive and paying off my debts.

----------


## Suzi

But can you work out a fairer distribution of chores around the house?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not sure how. I don't know how much of it is pain with my mum and how much of it is apathy. Just like with my dad, I don't know how much of it is pain and discomfort and how much is apathy. I don't pay board so I expect to do a fair bit, it's just exhausting some days.

----------


## Suzi

Surely they could do something every other day or something?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know. I tend to hoover right through when I do it as I don't need to unplug to reach everywhere. They tend to spend most of the day watching rubbish TV or playing games on their phones. 

And why does Talia insist on wanting to play when I'm trying to watch something??? If I'm reading she rarely bothers!

----------


## Suzi

I think that them doing something would be much better each day or every other day as it'll not be such a shock to them when you leave....

----------


## Paula

I dont want to sound mean and upset you but youre not helping them by doing everything for them. As Suzi says, its going to be a huge shock to them if they dont adjust before you leave .....

----------


## Jaquaia

We can work on building it in. I'll be here another year at least

----------


## Suzi

Another year?

----------


## Jaquaia

He had an email today giving a potential completion date of 4th October. Then he needs to find the courage to tell her he's seeing me.  Then he will need to deal with her abuse and threats of not seeing the children, then telling them about me and introducing me to them. Then we're likely to have to battle her trying to poison the children against me while I build a relationship with them. They've had enough grief to deal with without rushing them getting used to me

----------


## Paula

I suspect you underestimate them, children are actually really good at dealing with change. Maybe youll get what you want sooner than that ......

----------


## Jaquaia

With her as his ex, I seriously doubt that

----------


## Suzi

He seems to be allowing her to set the time frame... Thing is, I think that the kids are going to love you hunni. You will do no more than love them and show them what they should have - support, stability, love, respect - all the things they have been missing.

----------


## Jaquaia

I know a lot of it is he wants the legal stuff done first so she can't use any of that as a way to be awkward. But the huge problem is he's scared of her. It's going to take a long time to deal with over a decade of abuse.

----------


## Suzi

I do understand that, but hunni at some point he has to put you and your feelings to the top of the list....

----------

Strugglingmum (29-09-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't even do that myself

----------


## Suzi

But that's one of the prime reasons that he should be!

----------

Angie (28-09-19),OldMike (29-09-19),Strugglingmum (29-09-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I was going to study today but went to see Scarlett instead. Little toad nicked my bottle of water and then copied me when I called her annoying! "No, your noying"  :(giggle):

----------


## Angie

:(rofl):   Bless her

----------


## Suzi

That's really cute!

----------


## Jaquaia

Bloody uni! I have to use statistics software (kill me now, please!!!) for the next 2 levels and they sent us a copy with our textbooks. Installed from the disc on Saturday and it wouldn't work, something about side-by-side configuration. Uninstalled it and downloaded from the module website. Same issue on installation. Turned my laptop on again, intending to uninstall and try again before I rang the computer helpdesk and thought I'd see if I still got the same issue...

It works! Twatting thing works!!! The weekend stressing over not being able to install it and having to ring and talk to actual people to try and get it sorted and I clicked to see if I had the same issue and it's like "just kidding!"

Twatting thing

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  I can't tell you the amount of times my car does things like that to me... Certain things don't work for me, then Marc gets in the car and it's suddenly fixed!
Glad it's sorted though x

----------


## Jaquaia

Currently working through the week one stuff. A week ahead already for 1 module and nearly there for a second module, plus done all the intro stuff for the 3rd.

----------


## Jaquaia

Tom's care is now just palliative. Gutted but he's a fighter.

----------


## Angie

:(bear):  hunni x

----------

Jaquaia (30-09-19)

----------


## Suzi

I'm sorry lovely....

----------

Jaquaia (30-09-19)

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (30-09-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm going to share this here as I don't think you've ever heard (seen) me say this but...

I actually believe I can do this! I'm loving my course and can't wait for next week already! I feel silly when practising counselling skills but everything I do during my turn as a counsellor feels natural and the feedback I got today was that I had a very calm and soothing voice and they could tell that I was putting thought into my responses and they think I'm going to be very good at this. 

I actually think I've got this!

----------


## magie06

That is so wonderful to hear. No matter how old we get, a bit of a compliment does our hearts the world of good. 
Congratulations Jaq, I never doubted it for a minute.

----------

Jaquaia (30-09-19)

----------


## Paula

:(party):

----------

Jaquaia (30-09-19)

----------


## Suzi

I'm so thrilled for you! Well done lovely!

----------

Jaquaia (30-09-19)

----------


## Angie

Awww that's brilliant but not surprising either as I think you will be very very good x

----------

Jaquaia (30-09-19)

----------


## Mira

Thats awesome. You can do it!

----------

Jaquaia (01-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Had a lovely day today. Went to the doctors with J and raised that I think he could benefit from a dosage increase. That option is being left open for him, he just needs to check with the company pharmacist but he's thinking of trying counselling first. Then we headed to the Railway Museum, lunch therr, I met his supervisor there who was lovely, then we had a look round the Rocket exhibition. It was brilliant! So much history!!! Then to finish a romantic day, he took me to McDonalds  :(giggle):  I can't wait to have more days like this  :(inlove):

----------

Paula (01-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

That's great lovely! So glad you had such a lovely day!

----------

Jaquaia (01-10-19)

----------


## Angie

Glad you have had a good time hunni x

----------

Jaquaia (01-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Been a busy bunny. I've joined a RA support group on fb, joined a couple of fb groups for my modules and from them joined a few whatsapp groups and in a local whatsapp group we're discussing meeting up to study together... It's all very scary!!!

----------


## Angie

Sounds busy but positive and productive hunni and well done xx

----------

Jaquaia (02-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

So social! Well done!

----------

Jaquaia (02-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not sure anything will come of it but it's a start

----------


## Angie

It is a start and a good start hunni x

----------

Jaquaia (02-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

How are you today love?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm tired. I didn't fall asleep until gone midnight and was up early for my driving lesson. It was really good, I ventured into an area I'd driven in briefly once before and an area I've never driven. I made a few mistakes but didn't let them affect me and rectified them as soon as I could, and stalled once as I forgot my clutch!

----------


## Angie

Glad the lesson went well hunni, please rest though or at least pace xx

----------


## Suzi

Well done on your lesson! Hope the rest of the day went well lovely x

----------


## Jaquaia

I've studied. I've finished week 1 for 2 of my modules and started writing up my notes for last weeks counselling class. I'm irritable though. Not doing well with people talking to me.

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------


## Suzi

Hormonal? Well done for getting so much done. Can you do something nice for you?

----------


## Jaquaia

Possibly. If everything behaves I'm due either next week or the week after as going 4-5 weeks. 

Tonight is going to be Ashes to Ashes I think!

----------


## Suzi

Hope you've had a really restful evening...

----------


## Jaquaia

I've actually spent half an hour on the phone with my future m-i-l!!! It was quite nice chatting to her. Other then that, just watched a couple of episodes of Ashes to Ashes

----------


## Suzi

Nice! It's good you get along well with her!

----------


## Jaquaia

I think they're both lovely.

----------


## Suzi

That's brilliant!

----------


## Angie

Morning sweetie how you doing ? x

----------


## Paula

Youre quiet lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm tired. I think I'm in a mini-flare, my wrists and hands are still achey but it's fatigue that is getting me, my body feels like a lead weight.

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------

Jaquaia (04-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

Can you rest at all?

----------


## Jaquaia

I ended up cooking tea. Chicken casserole. It was a cheat one as it was all frozen veg so it saved my wrists, but I made the dumplings and then had a couple of hours with J and came back down to see that no one had actually bothered putting them in the casserole to cook. So it all got left to me though I got my dad to do the mash. He didn't look impressed but tough

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you used the frozen veg love. I'm also really glad you didn't do the mash!

----------


## Jaquaia

I ended up doing my mums meds too. I just feel like I'm wading through treacle today. Watched last weeks Model Railway Challenge when my brother left and going to go settle in bed with a book for a bit I think

----------


## Angie

Sounds like a good idea hunni getting some rest and chilling xx

----------


## Suzi

Why doesn't she get the pharmacy to do it in blister packs?

----------


## Angie

We call them nomads at work, they have morning lunch tea and bed for each day over 7 days and all the meds are then put into them, it would make things so much easier for you and your mum as then she would get all her meds

----------


## Jaquaia

She hasn't asked about it. The bowel and bladder nurse suggested she did but all she says is I forgot. As it is, I've just got into bed and my body feels like a lead weight, not to mention my hands are stiff so compression gloves tonight

----------


## Angie

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  How are you today?

----------


## Paula

How are you feeling?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tired mainly. Everything is a huge effort, so going to camp in my room doing uni work. I don't have to move very much then

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  Sorry you're not feeling brighter lovely. Hope the camping out works, just make sure you drink  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm never going to get away with that again am I?

----------


## Paula

Awww, on my screen the winky emoji and the bear are so close together it looks like winky has a bear hat  :(giggle):

----------


## Angie

:(giggle):

----------


## Jaquaia

:(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Lol!  :(bear):   :O:   :(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

I've written up my notes from Monday night, printed out some of my assignment stuff and was going to write out when my tutorials are but decided I can do that tomorrow and decided to rest! 

Progress!!!

----------


## Angie

Sounds like lots of progress xx

----------


## OldMike

> Lol!


Not on my screen they don't, a bear with a winking hat Paula sure has a vivid imagination  :(bear):   :O: 

Go you Jaq you've sure got this uni studying down to a tee  :(bear):   :O: 

Wow that's a lot of winkin' bear emojis I've posted  :(bear):   :O:

----------


## Suzi

Pacing? Wow! Go you!! 
How are you today?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tired and headachey. Going to finish printing out the stuff I'll need and start reading the chapter I need this week and that's it

----------


## Suzi

Good. I'm glad you're listening to your body.

----------


## Angie

^WSS^

----------


## Jaquaia

If I do them all, I will have 34 online tutorials and only 4 clash...

Just gone through and written them all in my diary with my assignment deadlines.

----------


## Suzi

So it's workable?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know. They're not evenly spread. Some weeks I have 3 or 4, some weeks I have 2 assignments due within days of each other. I need to be on top of things or I'm going to need to defer.

----------


## Suzi

You can do this. We're with you to help you to stay calm...

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm going to try my hardest, that's all I can do. I've made my tutor for my big module aware that I may have issues and need support due to my MH and RA

----------


## Suzi

That's brilliant. It's really good that you have said so now and so they are prepared just in case..

----------

Angie (06-10-19),Jaquaia (06-10-19)

----------


## Paula

Im so proud of you for that  :):

----------

Jaquaia (06-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

It's something I needed to do to get the most out of my course. At some point over the next few weeks I'll look at letting my other tutors know, though those modules look more straightforward. I'm pleased I filled out my disability profile too as there is no way I will manage writing for 3 hours solid in my exam, not with how my hands are at the moment.

----------


## Angie

Sounds like a good idea hunni xx

----------


## Suzi

I'm so proud of you for putting your needs first lovely.

----------


## Jaquaia

Only 2 weeks left and my assignment to do and my level 1 is complete! I need to learn how to take feedback! I had some excellent feedback tonight, including from the tutor, and I just turn it into a joke or feel really awkward!

----------

Suzi (07-10-19)

----------


## Paula

:(party):

----------


## Suzi

Well done lovely!

----------


## Jaquaia

My tutor said I was excellent and did really well, as did my group. My tutor asked how it felt. I initially feel really awkward with people watching me but it actually feels really natural, I seem to have a knack for getting people to think about things differently or getting them to realise something they hadn't already. J thinks counselling is what I'm meant to do and I think I agree with him. This is the first time ever that I've actually believed I can do something

----------


## Suzi

So pleased for you - although I'm not surprised you are a natural!

----------

Jaquaia (08-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I just had a conversation with a stranger in the station!!!!

----------


## Paula

OMG I think youre actually starting to believe in yourself! I am soooo chuffed  :):

----------

Jaquaia (08-10-19)

----------


## Angie

Yay that is all brilliant x

----------

Jaquaia (08-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

> I just had a conversation with a stranger in the station!!!!


OMG that's amazing! Well done!  :):

----------

Jaquaia (08-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Had a lovely day out today. We took the North York Moors Railway up to Grosmont, had lunch, had a walk around the railway sheds, and hit the bookshop. We got the train back (it was steam!!!) and went to that bookshop too! I'm skint now but I was determined that he was going to have a good birthday day out doing something he wanted to do. 

I am suffering a bit, but it was worth it to see him have a good day  :):

----------


## Angie

Glad that you had a good day sweetie xx

----------


## Suzi

So glad you had a wonderful day!

----------


## Paula

So chuffed you had fun  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm suffering a little tonight but I'm resting. It's worth it if he had a good day though. It isn't helping that I forgot my medication this morning. I left before 8 so my reminder hadn't gone off

----------


## Paula

Ah... rest tomorrow?

----------

Angie (08-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm just going to plod through my uni work, I don't have to move far then. And J is staying over tomorrow night, so lots of rest

----------


## Suzi

How are you feeling this morning?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've only been awake about 5 minutes so I obviously needed the sleep. I'm stiff at the moment, hopefully that will wear off, hopefully a shower will help.

----------


## Suzi

Has it helped? Taken your meds? Drink? Plan for the day?

----------


## Jaquaia

It's helped a little, my wrists are still stiff but I have splints if they get too bad. Only just had breakfast so only just taken my meds. Just going to plod through my uni work and take lots of breaks today.

----------


## Angie

Sounds like a plan hunni x

----------

Jaquaia (09-10-19)

----------


## Paula

Do you need reminding to have breaks?

----------


## Jaquaia

I should be ok, my wrist starts aching after a while and it's hard to ignore that

----------


## Suzi

How're your breaks taking?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not too bad. I've written up all my notes from Monday and done about 4 pages of notes. Stopping now, my wrists are achey so need to rest them.

----------


## Suzi

Well done for listening to your body and resting..

----------


## Jaquaia

Had to happen occasionally!

----------


## Paula

Im impressed  :):  there seems to a bit of that listening to your body happening across he forum  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

Well when you're nagged enough...  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

How many times do I have to tell you - It's not "nagging" it's "repeated and consistent reminders"....

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):

----------


## Angie

:(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

My driving lesson was AWESOME!!! I extended my route again! Bob suggested it and rather than listen to my anxiety and say no, I agreed and coped fine, just more cautious as I didn't know the area, spent hardly any time in my comfort zone today! My aim is to be driving home by Christmas and I've even suggested driving part of the way home next week!

----------


## Angie

Way to go sweetie you are doing so well and I hope you are starting to realise just how well you are doing and how strong you are and can start to see what we see xx

----------

Jaquaia (10-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I can see huge improvements from when I started.

----------


## Angie

Good, but please and you know I get it start to see how awsome you are and how strong and caring and giving and wonderful x

----------


## Paula

Have you looked back on your post here from your first lesson to see how far youve come?

----------


## Suzi

I am SOOOOOOOOO proud of you!

----------

Jaquaia (10-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

> Have you looked back on your post here from your first lesson to see how far you’ve come?


I was only talking about that with Bob this morning!

----------

Paula (10-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

You should do it!

----------


## Jaquaia

Went to an appointment with my mum this morning and ended up having a massive go at her. She rang my sister back on handsfree but as she turned the engine on the call cut out. She then only tried reversing as she was calling her back with her phone wedged between her ear and her shoulder. I went ballistic at her except all she gave was excuses. I wasn't listening to any of them and told her that she doesn't move the car unless her call is on handsfree and the excuses she was coming out with would make the police be even harder on her.

----------


## Suzi

Oh that's awful! I hate people using mobiles when they are driving. It might be because I can't text and walk, let alone do it whilst I'm driving.. 
I'm glad you stood up to her though.

----------


## Angie

Agree with Suzi hunni x

----------


## Jaquaia

Erm... stood up to her? I told her she wasn't an idiot and not to act like one!  :(giggle):

----------


## Angie

Good for you hunni x

----------


## OldMike

Was the call really that urgent that she needed to make it while driving the car. I'm not surprised you gave your mum an earful.

----------


## Suzi

> Erm... stood up to her? I told her she wasn't an idiot and not to act like one!


Awesome!  :):  Hopefully she'll have listened....

----------


## Jaquaia

Studying today. I'm very conscious of just how much I have to do yet I'm struggling to stay focused, my hands are stiff and it looks like my middle finger on my left hand is starting to deform too. I am taking lots of little breaks though.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry about your finger lovely... Break it up into small chunks lovely. Try not to look at the whole thing, just one step by one step

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm focusing on one module today, just reading and writing notes. Tomorrow I will probably finish off any notes, do the 2 online tasks and start the next module. I can do this is if I'm sensible and pace.

----------


## Suzi

Exactly. Pace, pace and pace...

----------

Jaquaia (12-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I just need to get into good habits I think.

----------


## Paula

Could some hand massage help, if you teach some to J maybe? It can be very gentle and may help slow down the deforming ....

----------


## Angie

You will sweetie, sounds like you already have a good plan in place x

----------

Jaquaia (12-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

> Could some hand massage help, if you teach some to J maybe? It can be very gentle and may help slow down the deforming ....


I'm not sure. It's something I can look into.

Edit:
Just googled "hand massage for rheumatoid arthritis"

The first result wasn't anything like it!!!!  :Surprised: 

It came up with yoni massage which is *ahem* very intimate!

----------


## Angie

Sorry but that made me  :(giggle):

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  Always be careful when you google anything massage based!  :(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

I've learnt that lesson the hard way!!!

----------


## Suzi

OOO er missus!

----------


## Jaquaia

Not really helping myself here am I?

----------


## Angie

Erm! lol

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

Going to my sisters to see Scarlett to ensure I take a break. My hands were aching yesterday so it won't hurt to have a few hours off. I can do something when I get home.

----------


## Angie

Go and enjoy sweetie and get some time out aswell xx

----------


## Suzi

You can't work all the time! Go, have fun with Scarlett!

----------


## Jaquaia

My wrist is achey so taking today off. Scarlett was all for me today, I read Little Red Riding Hood so many times!

----------


## Paula

Without wishing to sound patronising lol, well done  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Well I can't have you lot putting me to shame can I?  :O:

----------


## Angie

Glad that your giving your wrist a rest sweetie xx

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Probably a good thing as I keep getting stabbing pains down my middle finger. Oh well! Just means settling down with Jane Austen!

----------


## Suzi

Hardship! Sit back and enjoy!

----------


## Angie

Sounds like an even better idea sweetie xx

----------


## Paula

Ouch for the finger but yah! For Jane Austen  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Went to bed with a headache and my eyes hurting, woke up with the headache still there! I'm tense and it's taking conscious effort to unclench my jaw. Using white tiger balm as that sometimes helps and oh my god it burns!!! Well, not really but I am very conscious of where it is

----------


## Angie

Hugs sweetie, please rest today or at least pace and rest xx

----------


## Suzi

Rest love.. Go take some time off and do something gentle on yourself.

----------


## Paula

Stupid question, but are you up to date with sight tests?

----------


## Jaquaia

Yes, I have them every year because of my meds so my last one was in March. Have to start seeing an opthamologist too. I'm assuming my rheumatologist will sort that out when I'm next in clinic. It doesn't help that my eyes are dry, actually using my eye drops.

----------


## Suzi

Are you drinking enough?

----------


## Jaquaia

Probably not. Will make a point of going to the shops for a drink before my course tonight

----------


## Suzi

Hope you got that drink and had a brilliant time at your course.

----------


## Jaquaia

I absolutely love it!!! I emailed admin to put my name down for level 2  :):   I had some excellent feedback again from both my group and the tutor! There was also comments about how clever I am and how they were in awe of me. I'm not used to me being intelligent being seen as a good thing. It's usually mocked or used as a stick I have to measure myself against

----------

Suzi (14-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

I have such a massive respect for you!

----------

Jaquaia (14-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't see that I'm anyone to be in awe of...

Ooh. Guess what?!?

We're talking about going for a drink next week!!!

----------

Suzi (14-10-19)

----------


## Angie

Go you sweetie xx

----------

Jaquaia (14-10-19)

----------


## Paula

Wow, how is you being intelligent something to be knocked?. It should be celebrated and something to be proud of!

----------

Angie (14-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

It's what I've always had. I've always felt like it was something I've had to hide.

----------


## Angie

You should be shouting it from the tree tops sweetie xx

----------


## Jaquaia

It always felt like bragging.

----------


## Angie

No not at all x

----------

Jaquaia (14-10-19)

----------


## Paula

Telling the truth is never bragging

----------

Angie (14-10-19),Jaquaia (14-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

I agree, I feel I might have to give you my well rehearsed speech that I have to give Hazel.... You are intelligent, you are lovely, you are kind, you are amazing, you should NEVER have to hide who you are...

----------

Angie (14-10-19),Jaquaia (14-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

They told me I was lovely today too and J constantly tells me I'm amazing and awesome. I don't see it but I know that is the result of a lifetime of bullying...

----------


## Suzi

And the more you surround yourself with people who are positive for you, the more that will be chipped away at...

----------

Jaquaia (15-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Hopefully

----------


## Suzi

Have faith....

----------


## Jaquaia

Funnily enough, 2 people told me yesterday that I should have more faith in myself...

----------


## OldMike

> Have faith....


I'll second that.

----------


## Suzi

> Funnily enough, 2 people told me yesterday that I should have more faith in myself...


We can't all be wrong love....

----------

Angie (15-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Stop using logic!!!

----------


## Jaquaia

I've just had a book delivered from amazon. Seems J decided to surprise me! I know it was him as he's the only one who addresses it "People's Republic of Yorkshire"  :(giggle): 

Feeling very loved at the moment  :(inlove):

----------

OldMike (15-10-19)

----------


## Angie

Awww thats lovely of him, spill the beans what book is it?

----------


## Jaquaia

Once Upon a River: The Sunday Times bestseller https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/17841636..._NgCPDbTZDBR5W

It's one I saw recommended a lot on a book group I'm in on fb. I need to stop buying books though. My to read pile....  :(giggle): 


Ignore the mess!

----------

OldMike (15-10-19)

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):

----------


## Angie

:(rofl):  I'm the same sweetie to many books to have homes for at the moment

----------


## Jaquaia

That's only the ones I haven't read! I only have around 200 on my bookcase and that's only a quarter of what I have  :(giggle):

----------


## Angie

Lol hey you can never be bored if you have something to read x

----------


## Suzi

Erm.... What mess? 

My to read pile is getting longer, but they're mostly on my kindle...

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh I have a few hundred on my kindle too...

----------


## Jarre

noooooo my ocd..... books upsidedown lol  :(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

Been to the doctors with my mum. She saw the nurse practitioner for an arthritis review and when she said about just shooting her (standard line for my mum at the doctors) was told that there are a lot of people who are worse off than her...

I had no words!!!

----------


## Suzi

Oh! What did she say?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't think my mum knew what to say! 

Todays plan is helping my dad sort his tank out then studying with lots of breaks as my wrists and hands are stiff. Need to dig out my eye drops as my eyes are bothering me today too

----------


## Angie

What on earth was the doctor thinking!

Please be careful sorting the tank sweetie specially if changing water it is so heavy x

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  I sympathise. I'm putting it down to the weather... 

Hope you do stick to loads of breaks and doing things really gently.... and not to push yourself too much. 
Oh and do you think you might need a drink?

----------


## Jaquaia

Going to finish this one and take a fresh one up with me. I'm going to try and keep on top of my drinking today.

----------


## Angie

Good sweetie xx

----------


## Paula

Just checking, most eye drops need to be thrown away after being opened for a certain amount of time. Are yours?

----------


## Suzi

How's it going Jaq?

----------


## Jaquaia

6 months for the ones I have. I've opened a new bottle to be sure though. My gel ones are nearly expired so need to order more. I need to mention it to my rheumatologist when I see her next. My optician has mentioned that my eyes are still dry despite a punctul occlusion, my dentist has mentioned that my mouth is dry, my nose is dry and I have problems with my sinuses and I've had a dry cough for ages. It could be related to the RA or it could be indicative of another autoimmune disorder so I think it's best to discuss it with her and get her advice.




> How's it going Jaq?


Slowly plodding. This chapter is fascinating but a bit of brain fog...

----------


## Suzi

Absolutely mention it... 

What's the chapter on?

----------


## Paula

Or, it could be that youre dehydrated.....

----------


## Jaquaia

> Absolutely mention it... 
> 
> What's the chapter on?


The brain and its role in behaviour and on the mind. For example, PET scans show there is a significant difference in brain activity in the prefrontal cortex between people with OCD and those without! 




> Or, it could be that you’re dehydrated.....


My eyes have been an issue for around 10 years now. I drank a fair bit then as my supervisor at work was a bit of a Suzi  :O:

----------

Suzi (16-10-19)

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------

Jaquaia (16-10-19)

----------


## Paula

Yes, but theres an awful lot more of your body thats dry now ..... Jaq, please consider it, esp as we know you dont drink enough

----------


## Jaquaia

I am. My drinking is better when my mood is level, I'm probably averaging 2 litres a day. But just an example, I've just put eye drops in and my eyes feel dry again already.

----------


## Angie

I would definately mention it sweetie xx

----------


## Suzi

> my supervisor at work was a bit of a Suzi


I'm not sure what you mean by that one!  :(rofl): 

In totally unrelated news.... have you had a drink recently?

----------


## Jaquaia

Yes. On my 4th or 5th today. Currently drinking dandelion and burdock. 

Not having a great day today. My hands are stiff, my wrists are throbbing and my left elbow and shoulder are joining in today too.

----------


## Suzi

Well done lovely on the drinking! 

I'm sorry you're having a crappy joints day. I think everyone I've spoken to who has joint issues has been in flare atm.... *sending squishy and understanding hugs*

----------

Jaquaia (16-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I've just discovered that geese really do fly in V's! Just had a huge flock fly over!

I've got a tutorial in half an hour and think I'll just read after that.

----------


## Angie

Sounds like a plan for the night sweetie, yup have loads of geese fly over my house and always in a V

----------


## Jaquaia

I've never seen them fly over before!

----------


## Angie

Awwww we have loads here

----------


## Jaquaia

I think I need to rearrange my room and buy a desk. So stiff after sitting at my laptop for so long!!!

----------


## Suzi

You've never seen geese flyover? Must be because you're so northern!  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

No never!!!

----------


## Suzi

Oh! We often have them flying over! Swans are the same too!  :):

----------


## Allalone

> You've never seen geese flyover? Must be because you're so northern!


Now now Suzi it’s nothing to do with being northern, we have geese fly over all the time here in Carlisle. Sounds like they aren’t too keen on Yorkshire?? :(giggle):

----------


## Jaquaia

Maybe this lot remembered their passport!!!

----------


## Allalone

:(giggle):  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl): 

How are you today lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok. Tired, irritable, stomach ache, hands and shoulder are stiff. Other then that, I had a fab driving lesson!!!

----------


## Angie

Glad that the lesson went well sweetie, please at least pace now x

----------


## Suzi

Yay for the driving! 

 :(bear):  for the pains... Any chance of you taking your own advice and resting and pacing?  :(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

I have a lot of work to do. I'm going to take a lot of breaks though

----------


## Angie

Glad you will be taking breaks sweetie,

----------


## Paula

Is it vital that work is done today?

----------


## Jaquaia

I need to do some but I can take breaks as I have free weeks in my small modules. Part of my assignment is due Tuesday though.

----------


## Paula

Some is better than lots when youre sore, hunni  :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm crying like a baby!!! I'm not a secret anymore!!!

----------


## Suzi

WTF? Are you out and proud?

----------


## Angie

^^WSS.

----------


## Paula

Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

----------


## Jaquaia

Yes! He told her today! Will tell you details in my other thread. I am ridiculously happy right now!!!

----------

Suzi (17-10-19)

----------


## Angie

I'm grinning ear to ear right now.

----------

Jaquaia (17-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Me too now I've stopped crying!!!

----------

Angie (17-10-19)

----------


## Paula

:(party):

----------

Jaquaia (17-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

So pleased for you! About time!

----------

Jaquaia (17-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I can't stop crying! I want to shout it from the rooftops! 

Though it was funny when my neighbour congratulated us and a mutual friend asked if his wife knew! Think he felt a bit of a tit when he said she left a year ago!

----------


## Angie

Oppps lol

----------


## Suzi

So he should! It's about time he was out in the open so you two can actually be a couple who can go out together without hiding! Oh but it still stands, if he hurts you we're going to come and break his kneecaps.......and legs...... and elbows..... and arms.......

----------

Angie (17-10-19),Jaquaia (17-10-19),magie06 (17-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

:(giggle):

----------


## Paula

Oh yes, Suzi and I have recently flexed our scary mama bear muscles too  :O:

----------

Suzi (17-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

:(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

We are in tip top Mama Bear condition and actually the sound of a road trip is awesome!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Well you'll have to come up eventually for the wedding!  :O:

----------


## Suzi

Absobloodylutely!  :):

----------

Jaquaia (17-10-19)

----------


## Paula

Too bloody right!

----------

Jaquaia (17-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Poor J. I've sent him to the urgent care centre. His cat has been at the vets all day as he needed a tooth removing, she was vile yesterday and his dad has wound him up a little tonight and it's all caused his anxiety to get so out of hand that he's in a lot of pain with his chest. Nothing has really helped to calm him down and ease it so urgent care...

----------


## Paula

big hugs, J

----------


## Angie

Oh sweetie hope he is ok x

----------


## Jaquaia

He's just waiting to see either a GP or a nurse practitioner. I am so proud of him for dealing with it instead of ignoring it and suffering

----------


## Angie

Bless him sounds like a lot of stress.

----------


## Jaquaia

They've given him some diazepam. I thought they would. I'm going to see if he will give here a go, it might benefit him.

----------


## Suzi

Poor J! Glad he's got some help...

----------

Jaquaia (17-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Me too. He can't understand why I'm proud of him for going

----------

Suzi (17-10-19)

----------


## Paula

Tell him its how hes react if the tables were turned  :):

----------


## Angie

Glad he is getting help x

----------

Jaquaia (17-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

> Tell him it’s how he’s react if the tables were turned


You know how subtle I am! I went with "suck it up buttercup"  :(giggle):

----------

Paula (17-10-19)

----------


## Angie

:(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

Turns out the anxiety didn't help, but the pain in his chest is actually due to a chest infection. The diazepam helped the anxiety but the pain in his chest was so bad he couldn't sleep so he went to A&E. Bloods, an ECG and hours of waiting later and they've said he has a high temperature, a chest infection and exhaustion, given him antibiotics and told him he needs to rest.

----------


## Angie

Oh bless him, hope he is resting sweetie xx

----------


## Jaquaia

His dad took him while his mum sat with the children and left him taxi money while he went to get them sorted for school. He's gone quiet now so assuming he's got home

----------


## Angie

Okies hope he manages some sleep

----------


## Suzi

Oh no! Hope he's taking things easy and taking a couple of days off so he gives himself time to heal....

----------


## Jaquaia

He has actually let work know he can't come in so he must be feeling really rubbish!!!

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad he's taking time out, but sorry he's feeling rubbish..

----------


## Jaquaia

This is personal growth for him!

----------


## Suzi

It's fabulous!

----------


## Angie

That's brilliant x

----------


## Paula

Oh no :(:  hope he feels better soon. The sooner youre living together so can properly look after each other, the better

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh wow!!! Just read that they tried naltrexone, an opioid antagonist, with people who self harm, and though it didn't work with some people, in others it dramtically reduced self-harming!!! I never even consider medication as a treatment for self-harm!!!




> Oh no hope he feels better soon. The sooner youre living together so can properly look after each other, the better


We cross posted. We're hoping we'll be living together before the end of next year!

----------


## Angie

Yay..

----------


## Suzi

I haven't heard of that medication for SH either... 

Can I be rude and ask why it's not going to be until the end of next year that you are going to move in? Just now you're open and public and so happy I'm curious as to why you're waiting? You can, of course, tell me to mind my own business etc....  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

We said by the end of next year as she didn't know about me. It's possible it will be sooner now we're in the open. We haven't actually discussed it yet. But I wouldn't want to move in until I have a relationship established with the children.

----------


## Suzi

Jaq they will love you so much and you are going to be so amazingly important in their lives. Honestly love, you're awesome, you're so kind, respectful and caring that I can't it being anything but fabulous and very, very needed in their lives..

----------

Angie (18-10-19),Jaquaia (18-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I hope so, but let's face it, this is me! I'm always going to worry until I've actually met them. And thank you!

----------


## Paula

^^^wss and, actually, she will make sure they know about you - you owe it to J to see that they see how wonderful you are

----------

Angie (18-10-19),Jaquaia (18-10-19),Suzi (18-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I have no intention of being anything but myself with them. We've discussed my first meeting being with his mum and dad there too. I want them to see what a relationship should be like  between two people who love each other, as there is no way on this earth I want them growing up thinking that was normal.

----------


## Paula

What I was thinking, really, is you maybe dont want to wait very much longer as itll give her the opportunity to turn them against you itms

----------


## Jaquaia

I'll bring it up with him when he's feeling a bit better

----------

Paula (18-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

> ^^^wss and, actually, she will make sure they know about you - you owe it to J to see that they see how wonderful you are


You owe it to you too. 



> I have no intention of being anything but myself with them. We've discussed my first meeting being with his mum and dad there too. I want them to see what a relationship should be like  between two people who love each other, as there is no way on this earth I want them growing up thinking that was normal.


Exactly - but you have to figure how YOU feel into all this too. Is there an idea of timeframe for you to meet them? It would make sense to me to do it before Christmas - then they can have 2 christmases - 1 with her and 1 with a loving and sensible and awesome couple who will surround them with love..... 




> What I was thinking, really, is you maybe don’t want to wait very much longer as it’ll give her the opportunity to turn them against you itms


^^ exactly this...

----------

Paula (18-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

We've not discussed it since she was told so I honestly don't know. I suppose I would like to meet them before Christmas. He did say soon but with how organised he is, soon could be when A starts secondary! We need to sit down and discuss it properly really.

----------


## Angie

Sitting and discussing it sounds a good idea sweetie xx

----------

Jaquaia (18-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

And you need to help him with his organisational skills  :(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh yes! We've briefly touched on it tonight and he said possibly before Christmas...

----------

Angie (18-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo! I can't see any reasons for waiting! They need you in your life and you need to live your happy life.

----------


## Jaquaia

Well I've found out tonight that she hasn't even been seeing this guy for 3 months yet and wants to introduce him to the children when they get to 3 months...

----------


## Suzi

So why are you and J waiting?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know. Ultimately it's up to him when he tells them

----------


## Suzi

True.... I think he's mad keeping you from them, but that's just my pov as I know you're so perfect for them.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'll just have to see what happens

----------


## Suzi

Yup....  :(bear):

----------


## Paula

It is his decision, but you do have a say too - this is a massive thing in your life and your future. You shouldnt be shut out of it ....

----------


## Jaquaia

You're right but when have I ever bothered much about myself?

----------


## Paula

I think this needs to be the time ......

----------


## Suzi

I agree. You need to be talking to him about this. You are important and you need to put you first. What do YOU want in this?

----------


## Jaquaia

I would like for them to know about me before Christmas. She wants to introduce them to her new guy when they've been together 3 months... if she thinks that's acceptable then why shouldn't they know about me? 

And it hurts that he feels some upset about her moving on. I understand it but it still hurts.

----------


## Suzi

She's been a big part of his life - and he has to grieve for the future he isn't going to have - I'm sure in his head he had seen them getting old together etc and as you know it doesn't matter how crap that relationship was, you still grieve for it..... But he's had over 2 years to deal with that....

----------


## Jaquaia

They only actually split up a year ago...

I need to try and stop overthinking things

----------


## Paula

I struggled when Katies dad remarried, even though Id remarried and we had Jess. As Suzi says, its normal to feel that grief for what could have been. But of course its tough for you  :Panda: . Thankfully, though, this is one of the final events in their relationship that will affect him

Why wait til before Christmas? Particularly as kids are overly excited and emotional during December. Why cant he tell them now?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know. My worry is it will go the same way as telling her went as I know she wouldn't know about me if she hadn't told him she was seeing someone first. I have said that he can let her go first if he wants as I think they will know about her new guy by the end of next month...

----------


## Suzi

But you two have been together for 2 years now isn't it? Why doesn't he see how much this kind of secrecy is so hard on you?

----------


## Jaquaia

I think he does see, he's just so used to avoiding dealing with things

----------


## Paula

Then maybe you need to push him?

----------


## Jaquaia

I think one way to do it is to get him to talk it through with his parents and see what they think...

----------


## Paula

Good plan.

----------


## Suzi

Absolutely. His parents seem like they have their heads screwed on sensibly and actually just want the best for him... They can obviously see that is you!

----------


## Jaquaia

His mum and dad have gone to a couple of authors talks in Beverley and his mum has just invited me to go with them next year!  :):

----------


## Suzi

Oh you'll love that! They obviously see you as a long term person in their lives!

----------


## Jaquaia

It makes me happy that they've accepted me. We've even sat and discussed getting married with them!

----------


## Suzi

That's awesome!

----------


## Jaquaia

When the time comes his mum will advise him on where to look for engagement rings so he doesn't spend an absolute fortune! And his dad has refused to wear a "penguin suit" :(giggle):

----------


## OldMike

> When the time comes his mum will advise him on where to look for engagement rings so he doesn't spend an absolute fortune! And his dad has refused to wear a "penguin suit"


Haha I'm not in to penguin suits either  :(giggle):

----------


## Paula

Does his mum know the sort of ring youd like? Only I know my mil wouldnt. If not, some training in order methinks  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

Yes! White gold, blue topaz and a simple setting!!! Though James knows my taste pretty well!

----------


## Paula

Oooo pretty!

Its good to see James not J  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

It's good not to have to hide  :):  I love being able to share photos of us too.

----------


## Paula

I love that you can too  :):

----------


## Suzi

It's all so fabulous!  :):  
I've my eye on a frock! Oh yes, a full on frock!

----------

Jaquaia (20-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I've pretty much chosen my wedding dress already!!! And we've discussed first dance song and reception!!!

----------

OldMike (20-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

Awesome!  :): 

ETA - you've chosen your wedding dress without us? I HAVE done this virtual bridesmaid thing before...  We NEED to have a proper bridal thread going!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

He's not even proposed yet!!!  :(giggle): 

Will show you in my other thread  :O:

----------


## Suzi

He'd better get on with it....

----------


## Jaquaia

:(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

F*ck sake, what's the man need? It only took Marc 5 days!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

:(rofl):

----------


## Paula

> Awesome! 
> 
> ETA - you've chosen your wedding dress without us? I HAVE done this virtual bridesmaid thing before...  We NEED to have a proper bridal thread going!


ABSOLUTELY we do! You aint doing this without me, woman.




> F*ck sake, what's the man need? It only took Marc 5 days!


Yup!

----------

OldMike (20-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

So after writing 15 sides of notes yesterday, I've decided to have an easy day with computer based learning and starting my TMA  :(giggle):

----------


## Paula

Are you working 7 days a week?

----------


## Jaquaia

No. Had a few days off. This last chapter was just so information dense as it was all on neurons and synapses, so lots of notes and diagrams. I'll be working today and tomorrow as part of my assignment is due on Tuesday, and taking my textbook with me to James' as I'm staying there Tuesday and Wednesday night but I won't be doing a lot of study whilst I'm there.

----------

Paula (20-10-19)

----------


## OldMike

15 pages of notes that is intense, I think you're entitled to an easy day today.

----------


## Jaquaia

Well... I said easy...

Lots of video clips on neurons, neurotransmitters and synapses!!!

----------


## Angie

Glad your going to get some rest days in sweetie x

----------


## Suzi

But most importantly, are you enjoying the course?

----------


## Jaquaia

I really am. It's really helped me understand how antidepressants work too. The BPS accredited bit can be a bit overwhelming but the mental health stuff is fascinating.

----------


## Suzi

So glad that you're loving it...

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm only starting my 3rd week so I may yet change my mind!!!

----------


## Suzi

Nah you won't - you're born to do this...

----------

Paula (21-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

The counselling bit I will agree with, not completely convinced about the psychology bit! 

Last session tonight!!! I'm a little bit gutted but it's one step nearly completed on my journey.

----------


## Angie

You will be brilliant sweetie xx

----------


## Suzi

You are brilliant, this is what you are meant to do...

----------

Jaquaia (21-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I wish I had that kind of faith in myself but I do have to admit, this feels more like a vocation than a career. It fascinates me and I find myself wanting to know and understand more of the mental health side. The counselling side feels comfortable and natural.

----------


## Paula

Big grins in hampshire  :O:

----------

Jaquaia (21-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

And in Surrey...

----------

Jaquaia (21-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Even just 3 weeks in to level 2, 2 of my modules are leaning me more towards the MSc in Mental Health Science once I graduate. Obviously I will do a lot of research once the application deadlines are approaching but it's fascinating. Even tempted to try and write my Masters dissertation on the role of online peer support in recovery. I hadn't even put this much thought into my BA dissertation the week before it was due!!!

----------


## Suzi

It's obviously meant to be!

----------


## Jaquaia

Proud of myself for getting through this course. When I look back and think of how scared I was before my first session my progress is amazing. I have gained so much confidence and it's reinforced that this is what I want to do with my life. And get this...

I volunteered to have a 20 minute counselling session in front of the whole group! Me!!!

----------

Suzi (22-10-19)

----------


## Angie

I have such a smile on my face reading the last few of your posts sweetie xx

----------

Jaquaia (21-10-19)

----------


## Paula

That. Is. Awesome!

----------

Jaquaia (21-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I felt like an absolute tit when I volunteered. No one else wanted to do it and the woman next to me asked me to volunteer so I did then immediately kicked myself!!! I started talking about feeling overwhelmed with everything that I have on but what came out is I'm scared of my ADs stopping working and being as ill as I was, and also that I have this little voice in my head that constantly tells me I'm not good enough and that has been there since I was a child. It made me realise a few things and I even got a round of applause at the end and everyone telling me I was brilliant and really brave. I'm not used to feedback like that.

----------

OldMike (22-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

But you are brilliant and brave. 

To have counselling in front of others is really brave! I'm so proud of you!

----------


## Jaquaia

I've really surprised myself over the last 7 weeks. I can't wait to start level 2!

----------

OldMike (22-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

Can't believe you've finished the course already! When does level 2 start?

----------


## Jaquaia

March. I've already put my name down for it.

----------


## Suzi

Good for you!  :):

----------


## Angie

Good xx

----------


## Paula

Better start believing, gorgeous!

----------


## OldMike

> I felt like an absolute tit when I volunteered. No one else wanted to do it and the woman next to me asked me to volunteer so I did then immediately kicked myself!!! I started talking about feeling overwhelmed with everything that I have on but what came out is I'm scared of my ADs stopping working and being as ill as I was, and also that I have this little voice in my head that constantly tells me I'm not good enough and that has been there since I was a child. It made me realise a few things and I even got a round of applause at the end and everyone telling me I was brilliant and really brave. I'm not used to feedback like that.


You did brilliantly there Jaq, I'm very proud of you.

Perhaps now you'll start to believe what the rest of us have been saying for years.  :Panda:

----------

Angie (22-10-19),Jaquaia (22-10-19),Suzi (22-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

We've de-Cruella'd the bedroom. Sealed up 2 boxes of her books.

J - what shall I write on the boxes?
Me - Cruella's books

He only bloody did write that!!!!

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):  and Im so happy hes reclaiming the place for the two of you!

----------


## Angie

:(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

Good! I'm glad he's doing that!

----------


## Jaquaia

J run me a bubble bath! I think I'm in heaven! Only been able to have showers for around 8 years now so feeling all boneless and relaxed now!  :(inlove):

----------


## Suzi

So glad you're having fun!  :):

----------


## Paula

Ooooo lovely. Not jealous at all ....

----------


## Angie

I love hot baths, good on J xx

----------


## Jaquaia

Home. Don't want to be. Oh well, just have to suck it up and get on with it.

----------


## Suzi

Are you OK? Are you home because he's having the children?

----------


## Jaquaia

Yes. He's taking them away for a few days over half term. He's currently trying to decide when it will be the right time to tell them about me.

I'm ok mostly. I just hate coming back when I've had a few days with him. I feel like I'm home when I'm there. He noticed that as soon as we got back into Hull I started fiddling with my ring splint as my anxiety levels started creeping up. It's just something I have to deal with as best as I can

----------


## Suzi

Oh love..  :Panda:  I'm glad that he's working on when he's going to talk to the children. Hopefully he'll do it really soon.....

----------


## Jaquaia

I have no idea and it's the not knowing that gets to me most as I feel completely out of control. On top of that, it's TOTM, my mum has rang me 3 times today about her meds, they've both not stopped wittering at me since they got back from my sisters so I'm struggling a bit today.

----------


## Paula

Maybe hell find the right time while hes away with them. Big hugs, lovely

----------


## Suzi

Why has she called you three times about her meds? Couldn't your sister help? 

Hope that he manages to do it soon lovely....

----------


## Jaquaia

She got given a last minute appointment with the podiatrist (me who asked for the referral as she hadn't despite me telling her she needed it for the last year and a bit...) and she needed a list of her medication for him. I've told her before to keep a copy of her repeat slips in her bag for this very reason. I texted her a list, and bearing in mind she's on 46 tablets a day, you can imagine how long that took me... She then rang me back as she thought I'd missed things off... She then rang me this afternoon asking if I'd put her prescription in as the chemist couldn't find it. It was put in (and issued) on Friday and the chemist still didn't have it all so I've had to give her a strip of my hydroxychloroquine. I've had to sort out all her meds tonight. Had my dad going on about his fish tank, my mum asking lots of questions like did I enjoy my time away from them, did we have any trouble from her etc. My brother will take my mum to some appointments if she can't drive afterwards as I don't feel confident enough/aren't allowed to drive her car, but other then that, I get no other help from either my brother or sister.

I just want to be back in Cherry with J. I feel peaceful there and so at home there and so much happier.

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni I'm sorry you have so little help from everyone.... Although I feel that my little sister gets dumped with all my Mum's cr(p too....

----------


## Jaquaia

It's what I'm used to

----------


## Suzi

Doesn't make it right though

----------


## Jaquaia

All I get told when I say they could actually help every now and again is they have their own life, he works full time, she works part time and has Scarlett, so they can't really expect it of them. Pretty much feels like I'm the unemployed and childless one so it all falls to me

----------


## Paula

Youre not unemployed, youre too ill to work at the moment (though youre working on that). Theres a big difference

----------


## Suzi

Erm, you're a student, ill and a carer all rolled into one - any one of those alone is enough.....

----------


## Jaquaia

Just been asked by my mum about her new meds which I've explained 4 times now in 4 days. Got called an arsey c*** by by dad and how he's sick of me treating her like  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: . I do pretty much everything for her with no consideration for my own health. I have them going on at me when I can't cope with people talking to me and have to just accept it. I get interrupted all the time when I am trying to study. Yet I get told I'm treating her like  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  because I'm a bit snappy at the moment. My sister can have a go at her all the time, is arsey with her all the time, but I forgot that the favourite child is allowed to do that. Nothing is ever said to her, or my brother. I forgot I don't really count and never really have. My dad talks to her as if she's something he's just stood in half the time and that's ok. Me being a little snappy because I'm struggling and fed up of having to explain things repeatedly isn't allowed.

I hate it here. I don't want to be here anymore. I hate having to come back here. I hate having to live here. I hate being taken for granted. I hate seeing how little I matter. I hate being treated like a child. But I have to accept it as I have nowhere else to go

----------


## Suzi

That's horrible! How dare he call you something like that! 

Sweetheart I'm so sorry.... You don't deserve to be spoken to like that at all. You are far more than they are treating you. If I had anywhere you could stay you could come to me....

----------

Jaquaia (25-10-19)

----------


## Angie

I wish I had room for you here babe as am only an hour by car from you x

----------

Jaquaia (25-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Thank you both. 

Suzi, it's not the first time he's called me that. This time I walked out of the room after telling him I must have learnt it from him then. I have no idea when I get to escape either as all J says about telling the children is to trust him and it has to be the right time for them. I understand that but it doesn't make things any easier, especially knowing what he's like.

----------


## OldMike

My mum and dad never spoke to me like that in all the years I lived with them. I'm not surprised you would rather live somewhere else. Unfortunately I've no advice to offer and the sooner J tells the children about you the better.

----------

Jaquaia (25-10-19),Suzi (25-10-19)

----------


## Paula

Sweetheart, I know theres all sorts of factors but maybe you need to be pushing J more. You need to put yourself high on that list of priorities, you deserve better from everyone involved .....

----------

Suzi (25-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't see it because I've never really had it. Part of me is wondering if my dad is part of the reason why I jumped into things with dickhead so quickly. It was all pretty normalised to be spoken to like dirt on a shoe as that's how my dad was talking to ky mum half the time.

----------


## Paula

Maybe, I dont know, but its time to take control and say that you are important and you deserve to be cherished

----------

Suzi (25-10-19)

----------


## Angie

Sweetie it might be why you jumped so quick and its something I have done, but you deserve better and they also need to realise that you have a life aswell, they no your going to move out at some point and you cannot always just drop everything.

----------

Suzi (25-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

It's always been the case. It's not the first time he's called me it and it probably won't be the last

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------


## Suzi

There is no way that anyone should talk to you like that. You are a wonderful person who I am blessed to know... If he thinks that describes you then he's the one with a f*ing big problem and the sooner you are out the better - but I agree with Paula. J needs to see how much you need this too and needs to get his head out of the sand and make you the top of his priority list. Yes it's important that the kids know, and only right that he should tell them, BUT he needs a rocket up his arse to do anything!

----------

Jaquaia (26-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I've told him that I would like them to at least know about me by Christmas but I don't know if it will happen. I wouldn't put it past her to tell them about me out of spite. I feel guilty pushing it but he keeps telling me to trust him where the children are concerned.

----------


## Paula

Christmas? Just to know? By Christmas Id want to have met them a few times and have started talking to them about the future. At the very least

----------


## Jaquaia

I can't see it happening. He keeps saying about wanting to do things carefully where the children are concerned...

My mum has just been up to speak to me. She hadn't realised my dad called me a c*** and she's angry at him. She also thinks that I upset him pointing out just how poorly he speaks to her at times as he's been really quiet since.

----------


## Suzi

I don't understand why he is dragging his heels so much with this. Their lives will only be for the better with you in it. I can't imagine how you are feeling.... 

I'm glad your Mum came and spoke to you lovely..

----------


## Jaquaia

He says because it needs doing right, that if I'm introduced to them gently it will be a lot better for everyone, and it needs to be the right time and to trust him. I told him that the longer he leaves telling them, the more chance there is of someone else mentioning me or her telling them out of spite.

----------


## Paula

Thing is, hes not introducing you gently, hes not introducing you at all ......

----------

Jaquaia (26-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

Introducing you gently would suggest that they knew about you and then he was going to introduce you, spend a couple of hours together, then a few more the next week, then a few more.... Until you move in and spend the whole weekend/time itms?

----------

Jaquaia (26-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I know you're both right but I don't feel like I can complain too much as they're his children and he knows them best

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## Paula

Is his hesitance about them or about him, though? And, yes, you can comment - this is about your life too

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## Jaquaia

I don't actually know. He just says about doing it right for the kids

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## Suzi

Maybe you need to say to him that this is something that you feel needs to happen sooner - before cruella has had her chance to be spiteful about you?

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## Jaquaia

I have said that

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## Suzi

Oh sweetheart  :(bear):  You're stuck between a rock and a hard place.... I really feel for you x

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## Jaquaia

I feel that all I can do is wait and see

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## Suzi

It sounds as if you are doubting that things are going to change for a while.... You actually sound sad and flat...

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## Angie

:(bear):

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## Jaquaia

> It sounds as if you are doubting that things are going to change for a while.... You actually sound sad and flat...


I think part of me is. It's taken so long for him to just tell her, there isn't much that makes me think this will be any different. I understand that it needs to be done gently, but I want it to be him that tells them, not her in a moment of spite.

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## Suzi

I can totally understand that - it also struck me as odd that he didn't pack her stuff away before you went to stay.... There's telling them gently and then there's just not doing anything to push forward...

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Jaquaia (27-10-19)

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## Mira

Just catching up on your thread. And I agree with what others have mentioned. Doing it slowly is different from bot at all. And one thing I learn in therapy is that things can exist together. Like understanding he wants to do things in one way because he feels its right for the children. But also be a bit angry about it because it leaves you waiting and on the side line.

Going to send you one big  :Panda:

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Jaquaia (27-10-19),Paula (27-10-19),Suzi (27-10-19)

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## Suzi

Actually I think Mira has hit it spot on.Epically good post Mira.  I think you are completely right to be a complete jumble of emotions...

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## Jaquaia

My hands and wrists are aching, they're not reacting well to the colder weather at all. Never actually get asked if I'm okay though before my mum volunteers me for jobs involving my hands... 

Funnily enough, my mood is much better now my TOTM has finished. I think I may have to give in and speak to my GP about it...

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## Angie

Aww sweetie please pace if not rest, can you ask your mum to ask you before volunteering you for things

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## Jaquaia

There wouldn't be much point as she'll just keep doing it.

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## Angie

Sweetie can you start refusing and saying to her that you will do that until she asks you first xx

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## Suzi

What's she volunteering you for? 
Please go and see your Dr love..... TOTM is having a massive effect on your mood love...

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## Jaquaia

Reorganising the kitchen cupboard as my dad started sorting out and was finding it uncomfortable kneeling on the floor 

It's not just a one off is it? I keep thinking it will be better the next time but then I'm so irregular that I find it difficult to keep track. 11, 5, 4, 6... number of weeks between my last few. No wonder I find it hard to realise this could be why when my mood starts dropping. I don't know what they could do though. I'm not changing my meds, this is the first time I have been anywhere near stable.

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## Paula

What meds are you thinking theyll change?

As to clearing out the cupboards, hunni you really need to learn how to say no ....

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## Jaquaia

My dad did it on his own but I don't know if that was because he didn't want my mum fussing or he saw me massaging my wrist. I don't feel like I can say no since I don't pay board...

I'm only on the pregabalin and vortioxetine for my MH. I don't want them to take the vortioxetine off me if I tell them I'm still struggling with my mood at times. It's made such a huge difference to me. But there aren't really any studies on it with other ADs. I guess I'm content to bury my head about this as I can function most of the time now.

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## Paula

Its hormonal, hunni, so theyll look at hormonal treatment first, Id think. Have you not considered that?

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## Suzi

It's obviously hormonal, it happens just as totm hits and lifts as soon as it's over....

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## Jaquaia

I feel stupid that I hadn't considered that...

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## Angie

Not stupid at all sweetie

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Jaquaia (28-10-19)

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## Suzi

Not stupid! You are very, very far from stupid!

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Jaquaia (28-10-19)

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## Paula

Not at all, its easier to see these things from the outside sometimes

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Jaquaia (28-10-19)

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## Jaquaia

I will try and get in to see my GP. At least I'm getting my flu jab out of the way tomorrow...

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Paula (28-10-19)

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## Suzi

How you doing gorgeous? Have you had your flu jab? Got an appointment?

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## Jaquaia

No appointments available, arms suitably stabbed, apparently my CRP levels are up and down so I still have active disease. 

Oh and I have hit 4st weight loss!!!! Not too bad with the amount of crisps and chocolate I've been eating!!!

I'm pretty chuffed as I was expecting a significant increase. My mood is fairly level today, my eyes are gritty so that is annoying me but my eye drops should sort that out... mostly anyway.

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## Suzi

Go you! That's amazing!

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Jaquaia (29-10-19)

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## Jaquaia

I jumped off the scales and jumped back on a few times as I thought it must be a mistake!

EDIT:
Just worked it out... I've lost 55lbs!!!!  :Surprised:

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## Paula

WOWOWOWOWOWOW THATS INCREDIBLE  :(party):

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Jaquaia (29-10-19)

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## Suzi

Wow! That's awesome!  :):  Well done lovely!

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Jaquaia (29-10-19)

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## magie06

:(party):  :(party):  :(party): That is AMAZING!! Well done. :(party):  :(party):  :(party):

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Jaquaia (29-10-19)

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## OldMike

Wow that's brilliant  :(party):

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Jaquaia (29-10-19)

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## Angie

Way to go you, thats amazing sweetie xx

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Jaquaia (29-10-19)

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## Jaquaia

Thank you all. I'm still amazed! It's a huge amount!!! I've lost 1st 4lbs in the last year alone and I've done it all naturally, without dieting, just walking more and making better choices. I can tell the difference as it's not often my back hurts when I'm walking now. I know it's slow going and I didn't expect it to be anything else because of the PCOS, but to have lost almost 4st in just under 2 years is much quicker than I thought it would take!  :(party): 

Need to crack on with my essay for my level 1 now!

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## Angie

Remember the story of the tortoise and the hare  :O:

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Jaquaia (29-10-19)

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## Suzi

You're amazing! So proud of you!

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Jaquaia (29-10-19)

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## OldMike

Slow and steady is better, well done.

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Jaquaia (29-10-19)

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## Paula

Thing is, youve lost it in the only way to stop yo-yo dieting - slowly and making lifestyle changes. Im so proud of you  :):

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Jaquaia (29-10-19)

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## Suzi

If you'd like to kick me I'd be grateful  :O:

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## Jaquaia

I think the metformin has helped a lot. I started shifting a lot once the doctor increased the dosage. 

Celebrating with a kitkat and a snickers wannabe  :(giggle):

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## Suzi

Good for you!  :):

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## Jaquaia

Just got an amazon echo dot for 99p! Early birthday present for me!  :(rofl): 

99p with a months subscription to amazon music unlimited, so £8.98 in total. Just need to cancel the music subscription next month! Bargain!

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magie06 (30-10-19)

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## Suzi

That is totally bargainous!

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## Jaquaia

My arm has reacted to the flu jab exactly the same as last year! Hopefully it won't get much bigger than it currently is!

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## Angie

:(bear):

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## Suzi

OO ouch! Can you take an antihistamine?

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## Paula

Oh no .....

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## Jaquaia

She said to just take paracetamol so I'll do that if it starts bugging me

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## Jaquaia

Yet again, come downstairs and get asked if I'll cook tea by my mum as my dads back is hurting. No please. I refused to answer until she used her manners then reminded her that manners don't hurt. She does absolutely nothing in the house now and it gets frustrating. If I'm downstairs she doesn't even make a cup of tea, she gets me to do it! Half the time she doesn't make herself a sandwich, me or my dad does it. I've started running a sink with tea so pots are washed straight away and it's only the last week or so that she's started washing her own plate! Before that she'd put it in the sink and leave it for me or my dad to wash up. I've washed and changed both beds today and spent the rest of the afternoon with my head in my textbooks getting material together for my essay, so it's not like I've done nothing today. 

I just don't get how someone can be happy to sit and do absolutely nothing. I get that she's in pain, but there are small things she could pace and do, sit on her stool and sort the washing for example.

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## Suzi

Thing is, if you keep allowing her to do so when you do move out she won't be able to do anything - it's exactly the same with my sister (who my mother clicks her fingers and calls "oh slave"... I can't tell you how angry I am about that) ... I always say "you have to use it before you lose it".... 

You must be furious!

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## Jaquaia

I'm more resigned. The lack of manners thing I'm always tackling her about and all I get is "well if you let me finish talking I was going to say please". The giant pause kind of implies that she had finished speaking but hey ho. I don't feel like I can say no as I'm staying here for nothing

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## Paula

Youre not staying there for nothing. Payment comes in all sorts of ways. But theres a difference between helping your mum and your parents treating you like a servant ....

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## Angie

Paula has said what I was going to sweetie, what do they do when you are at J's for a couple of days?

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## Suzi

Hate to say it, but I agree too. 

You appear to be doing all the domestic chores, cooking a lot, acting like a carer sorting meds and hospital appointments etc... Sweetheart that's too much...

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## OldMike

I'm goin' to jump on the band wagon too, you're doing a hell of a lot looking after your parents, I know when I was looking after mum in her later years it takes its toll on you.

You need time to yourself to do things for you.

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Paula (31-10-19),Suzi (31-10-19)

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## Jaquaia

The first things she said to me when I got in from my driving lesson was "I thought you were going to the shops"...

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## Suzi

And you said....

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## Jaquaia

I never said I was going straight away. Just got back though. I took some ibuprofen when I showered as my left arm is aching and I have quite a large hot, red patch where I had my jab. 

I made a few silly mistakes this morning, got the accelerator when I wanted the brake! But since I had the clutch down too it didn't do anything but rev the engine! Did some more new roads, was a bit over-cautious at times, but overall it was a really good lesson! Missing last week hasn't affected me, which is good as I'm missing my lesson in 3 weeks as J is taking me out for the day for my birthday

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## Suzi

Woohoo, are you going anywhere nice? 

Hunni, we all make silly mistakes - You worked out what you had done wrongly and fixed it -that's important.

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## Jaquaia

No idea yet. I just told him not Whitby or Robin Hood's Bay

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## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

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## Jaquaia

He's also been told that if he proposes in either of those places, Grosmont too, then I will tell him no.

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Paula (31-10-19)

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## Angie

:(giggle):

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## Suzi

Good for you! Make him work for it!

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## Jaquaia

Ffs!!! Just told my mum that I'm staying with James next Thursday and Friday and staying most of the week in a couple of weeks time. Said I'm likely to be at his from Sunday night and be back the Thursday teatime (my birthday).

She actually turned round and told me no and that my dad wouldn't be happy as I know he likes spending our birthdays with us!!! 

Excuse me??? Who does she think she is telling me I can't be out the house on my birthday??? There are years I never saw my dad as he worked away. There are years I never saw him as he got home from work after I'd gone out or I was only here an hour or so as I didn't live here, or I'd gone away. I will be 36 years old, she doesn't get to tell me what I can and can't do anymore. They don't get to treat me differently from my brother and sister. She would never dream of telling my brother and sister that they have to spend part of their birthdays here and she isn't doing it to me! Especially as I'd already said I'll be back late afternoon!!!

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## Suzi

How did you respond to her? I'd be hopping mad!

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## Jaquaia

I was fuming!

Told her no. She doesn't tell the other 2 that they have to spend their birthday here, to which she replied she can't really do that with them. Told her she doesn't get to do that with me either. That I'm nearly 36 years old and if I want to be out on my birthday I will be. That I'd already said I'll be here on the night and she doesn't get to pull the guilt trip bull :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  with me.

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## Paula

*stands up and applauds*

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Jaquaia (01-11-19)

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## Jaquaia

*curtseys*

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## Suzi

*stands applauds, cheers and stamps feet* Go Jaq, Go Jaq, Go Jaq!

Are you learning to stand up for yourself? I'm so proud!

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Jaquaia (01-11-19)

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## Jaquaia

Slowly. It just made me so angry that she thinks I'll accept her dictating to me

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## Suzi

You, my love get a chufty badge too!  :):

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Jaquaia (01-11-19),Paula (01-11-19)

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## Angie

Am so glad that you stood up for  yourself sweetie you definately deserve a chufty badge x

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## Jaquaia

My dad is such an obnoxious arsehole when he's had a drink. Fed up of him going on about needing to get money sorted as he's starting to run out. £20 of the shopping bill every single week is beer. We have 2 freezers full of food but he constantly complains there is nothing in and buys more. My mum has a huge choice of food in and he always says to get her more or she asks for something different yet he moans we need to cut the shopping bill down. He's lent my sister several hundred pounds. He has spent over a hundred pounds on Scarlett for both birthdays and christmases. He cooks too much and complains about wastage. 

I hate living here.

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## Suzi

Oh hunni, I'm sorry it's so cr*p.. Can you try to suggest meal planning using what's in the freezer for a while? I know it's not your problem and all that...

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## Jaquaia

Tried that and he moaned. I was doing that for a few months and he just complained that he might not want whatever we decided on on this day. He's complaining about his back too. Piling on 5st in a year after retiring won't be helping that as his body isn't used to it! I've also been volunteered to sort out an issue with the sofa. My brother suggested using online chat with DFS so save them money on the phone call and my dads taken it as a given that I'll do it. 

I've come upstairs and I'm so tense and anxious I'm contemplating taking my propranolol. Trying listening to Andrea and Matteo to relax

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## Suzi

Wow.... have you thought of asking your brother to do it if he's suggesting it!
You really do get the raw end of it all....

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## Jaquaia

All tonight has achieved is to make me feel guilty for not contributing financially. Even given up on my essay today and I'm settled down with The Beautiful South and Terry Pratchett/Neil Gaiman

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## Paula

WRT the finances, you have two choices if you want to move forward, as I see it. 

1. You accept that you do contribute a huge amount to the household - just because its not in money does not take away from all you do.

2. You start paying something, and stop beating yourself up with this

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Flo (02-11-19)

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## Jaquaia

I was starting to accept that but it can be hafd when he goes on about how much they're going to struggle money wise

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## Suzi

But hunni, that's not of your making. If they were employing someone to do even some of what you do then they'd really struggle! - cooking, cleaning, sorting meds, going to appointments, being a pa etc etc etc They all count as contributing to the household and have a value.

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Flo (02-11-19),Jaquaia (02-11-19),OldMike (02-11-19)

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## Flo

Jaq have they any idea how much it would cost to pay someone to do what you're doing?? Cleaners around here are making upwards of £12 an hour! They don't cook, do the washing, get scripts or groceries either....or accompany people to appointments. You're a precious commodity! Hmmmm.....

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Jaquaia (02-11-19),OldMike (02-11-19),Suzi (02-11-19)

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## Jaquaia

Well they can bugger off today. I'm shut in my bedroom working on my essay with Alexa playing the Connells. Tomorrow I will be shut in my bedroom working too. The essay and the collaborative bit for another assignment is my priority this weekend.

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Paula (02-11-19),Suzi (02-11-19)

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## Jaquaia

All done!!!! Essay is 52 words under the word limit and the process journal is 48 words over, so both within the 10%. Collaborative bit submitted!!!! Didn't think I would finish today!!!  :(party): 

Tomorrow will be trying to make room for a desk, printing out my essay to hand in and emailing a copy too, and doing some chapter reading while I try and catch up! 

Bloody hard typing with both wrists splinted though...

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## Suzi

Well done love!!!!! Yes, typing splinted really is hard!

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## Jaquaia

My brother has give  me a small desk which should really help

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## Angie

Fingers crossed it helps sweetie xx

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## Paula

Youve done sooo good  :):  hope youre proud of yourself

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## Jaquaia

More exhausted! I have a nice, new thick quilt to snuggle under as I've started feeling the cold a lot more so just going to put my compression gloves on and go to sleep.

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## Suzi

Morning lovely, did you stay warm and snuggled and sleep well? How's your wrists?

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## Jaquaia

Wrists are achey and I've woken up with a headache. Currently got white tiger balm on my temples and back of my neck as that often helps. My elbows are joining in today too. I should be due to see my rheumatologist before Christmas so will mention it then.

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## Paula

Are you going to take it a bit easier today?

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## Jaquaia

Erm... I'm doing the washing...

And I will need to do some uni work as I'm behind. I definitely need to print my essay out so while I have my laptop and printer out I'm planning on printing my next 2 assignment notes out

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OldMike (03-11-19)

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## magie06

You're feeling the cold more because you've lost all that weight. It's a fact that fat is insulation from the cold, that's why polar bears eat so much coming up to winter. It makes sense.

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Jaquaia (03-11-19),Suzi (03-11-19)

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## Suzi

Could someone else not help with the washing?

----------


## Jaquaia

My mums not bothered since I started doing it. I asked her to swap a wash over when I stayed at Js one night, got back at tea time the next day to find it still in the washer... "I forgot"
She didn't even wash her plate up last night, just put it in the sink and sat down again. And my dad doesn't even put his socks the right way when he takes them off. That took me 20 minutes to sort out!!!

Well I've emailed my essay across and printed out the hard copy. Printed out the rest of my assignment guidelines for uni and put the last wash in! Currently sitting down doing nothing. My sister is on her way down with Scarlett and James is popping before work so I will rest for a bit

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OldMike (03-11-19)

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## Suzi

Then maybe you are going to have to be cruel to be kind and maybe just do your own washing rather than doing hers too....

----------


## Jaquaia

That's not in my nature. 

My sister actually voluntarily spoke to James!!! And Scarlett gave him hugs when they left  :):

----------


## Paula

do you need to sort your dads socks out?

----------


## Jaquaia

They need putting in right way to wash properly

----------


## Paula

See, Si should sack me - hes never complained about that ....

----------


## Jaquaia

Probably just how I've been taught to do it

----------


## Paula

Im not sure it matters what way theyre put in, love

----------


## Jaquaia

Probably not. It probably won't surprise you to know that it's me who ends up having to pair the socks too... it makes that easier too.

I think I'm going to go and do half an hours reading and then watch His Dark Materials. Love Phillip Pullman!

----------


## Jaquaia

His Dark Materials is absolutely brilliant!!!!

----------


## Suzi

OMG wasn't it AWESOME?!!!!!!! SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Excited for next week!

----------


## Jaquaia

I hadn't realised Pullman was producing it too!!!!

Just getting sorted then heading into town to hand my essay in! Debating going and grabbing Christmas cards before the hordes get the same idea but everything aches today!

----------


## Suzi

Are you able to pace and to reward yourself for your essay?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've bought chocolate, does that count?  :(giggle): 

Well... bus into town, actually rang the office and spoke to an actual person to find out which building I needed to hand my essay in at (they employ more than 80 counsellors!).  Walked across town, did some shopping, walked to the station and zero back pain!!!! 2 years ago, I would sometimes meet James  for lunch after counselling and would have to stop several times because of back pain before I even got to where the shop is, nevermind to the station!!!!  :(party): 

The plan is just reading my textbook today. And sorting out some photos into the album Sarah got me last Christmas!

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## Paula

Thats amazingly awesome!

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Jaquaia (04-11-19)

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## Suzi

So brilliant!  :):

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Jaquaia (04-11-19)

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