# Help and Advice > Related Illness/medication/alternatives >  Mirtazapine effects & mood gym *SU Trigger*

## john82

Hi all first post here.

Finally had enough with feeling down and have constantly had sucidial thoughts in my head almost everyday,so I went to see the Dr's who put me on sertraline 50mg and I made an appointment with a wellness councillor.

The wellness councillor said I have aniexty and depression and could do with talking to somebody and that the doc should up my meds to 100mg to open up more?.

That was 7 weeks ago I don't feel like the sertraline has done anything I'm still having lots of negative thoughts,lying awake at night crying etc,so much so I rang the wellness people up again to find out when my appointment would be only to be told it could be 6-8 months!

I've since been bk doctors who's switched me to Mirtazapine 15mg and lowered the sertraline to 50mg.

The Mirtazapine first time I took it from completely knocked me out! I've struggled the last few days to the point I feel like a zombie and detached even more,also strange dreams and very sensitive to sounds especially when out dog suddenly barks.

Does the drowsiness wear off? It makes me want to do nothing! Also the doc recommended a site called mood gym but it's £40 has anyone used it?

Sorry about the long post

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## Paula

Hi John and welcome. First off, Ive added a trigger warning to your thread. Its absolutely nothing to worry about, we just need to make sure that other members have the opportunity to avoid any threads that may be triggering for them

I am _very_ concerned that your counsellor has given you a diagnosis and advised you wrt to medication. These are things ONLY a medically trained person ie a doctor should advise you of. This could amount to malpractice on behalf of your counsellor.

Yes, the mirtazapine will absolutely make you drowsy. Its a side effect the majority of people will suffer from. However, the drowsiness should ease to a manageable level after a few weeks. If it doesnt, definitely discuss it with your doctor.

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## Suzi

Hi and welcome to DWD!
If the drowsiness is too hard then maybe try taking it at night - it's when I take mine - but always best to check with your dr.

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## OldMike

Hi John

I'm on Sertraline and it took a couple of months before I started to get the benefit.

It's a case of just getting the right meds as we are all different. You need to give the change of meds a few weeks and if the drowsiness doesn't wear off and/or you're not getting any benefits you should go back to your doctor.

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## john82

Thanks for the replies.

I've been taking the Tabs at night just finding it hard to wake up the next day.

Has anyone tried the mood gym? doctor mentioned something to do with cbt? or could anyone recommend any other things i could try? at abit of a loss at the moment when i was told i could be waiting 6-8 months to talk to somebody,it felt like there wasn't much point in going  if it was going to take that long

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## Jaquaia

Try speaking to your local MIND, they often run courses to help you learn to deal with things. Also check if your area runs something called a recovery college.

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## Suzi

I haven't used mood gym. I know it used to be recommended a lot, but I'd be cautious at spending that amount of money. You could try some of the free mindfulness and meditations on you tube to try.

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## EJ

Hi John the lower doses of mirtazapine will cause sedation until you get used to them. I’ve been taking 45mg for a long time and they work well for me. Ive just enrolled with mood gym as I am experiencing panic attacks and so far it looks promising.

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## john82

Right I've been taking mirtazapine for just over a week now and the drowsiness is starting to wear off some mornings it's still a struggle and everynight I've been having strange dreams.

I'm in two minds about mood gym due to the cost things are tight as I'm  currently off work.Can anyone recommend CBT therapy that's free to try? I'm worried that when I go back doctors it'll look like I've not been doing anything

It'll be almost 2 months tomorrow since I saw a wellness councillor and it just feels like I'm stuck.Not sure what to do at the moment

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## john82

Thanks for the replies I've looked into the recover program but there's nothing at this time.

My boss has started to put a bit of pressure on me by suggesting maybe I go private but I've no idea how much that would cost,it's not helping as it's adding to the pressure that I'm going nowhere by sitting here waiting . I've stopped all communication with all my friends as I'm embarrassed and don't want to talk to them when I'm feeling down

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## Paula

Hi John. If youre in the U.K. contact your local MIND, they should have details of any local CBT courses to you. Alternatively, you could look at online CBT - thats often free though Id recommend you get recommendations as the quality of such courses can vary. If your employer is pressurising you to have private treatment then, imho, your employer should be footing the bill for any private treatment! 

Sweetie, why are you embarrassed to talk to your friends? Mental health affects 1 person in every 4 so is very common. Its nothing to be ashamed of and doesnt mean youre weak - in my experience quite the opposite. Talking to friends can make a huge difference to mental health

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## Suzi

You have no reason to be embarrassed by being poorly..... It's not a choice and it's not something you can control like any other long term illness... 

The NHS have some links which might be helpful https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress...elp-therapies/
Have you ever tried meditation and or mindfulness?

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## john82

I had a look at the local MIND but i cant find a lot in Leicester.

I don't know why i haven't spoken to my friends i just think its easier to hide away at home,one of my close friends knows who i haven't spoken to for over a month as his dad's just died from terminal cancer so i know hes going through alot so won't want to hear my troubles. 

TBH my situation compared to his is what i can't get my head round as to why im the one feeling low etc its embarrassing when hes had so much to deal with over the last year he just gets on with it seems so much more positive & all i can do is wish i was more like him

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## john82

Wished they'd let you edit posts!! 

I've not tried meditation or mindfulness?

I've been trying to start exercising again even bought an expensive rowing machine to kick start me again but i just seem to look for excuses and cant get motivated

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## Suzi

Actually it's me who has set the forum not to allow members to edit posts. There are many reasons for this. If you ever want something edited all you have to do is let a mender of the team know and we will always help...

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## Julie

Apps for mental health 

There is an app that is free called woebot CBT based. You talk  to an AI chatbot 
Headspace app is free and is mindfulness/ meditation ( GP recommended to a friend of mine that was stressed/anxiety) 
While you are waiting for Nhs therapy 
Hope your mood improves 
All the very best 
Julie




> Wished they'd let you edit posts!! 
> 
> I've not tried meditation or mindfulness?
> 
> I've been trying to start exercising again even bought an expensive rowing machine to kick start me again but i just seem to look for excuses and cant get motivated


Walking helps me so much , just a short walk even getting out being around even people I donÂt know helps me feel connected . Hope you feel better

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## Paula

> I had a look at the local MIND but i cant find a lot in Leicester.
> 
> I don't know why i haven't spoken to my friends i just think its easier to hide away at home,one of my close friends knows who i haven't spoken to for over a month as his dad's just died from terminal cancer so i know hes going through alot so won't want to hear my troubles. 
> 
> TBH my situation compared to his is what i can't get my head round as to why im the one feeling low etc its embarrassing when hes had so much to deal with over the last year he just gets on with it seems so much more positive & all i can do is wish i was more like him


I am naturally a very upbeat, confident, bubbly person yet become the polar opposite when Im in crisis. Mental illness is a disease, one which you couldnt help in the same way you couldnt help getting flu. Please dont beat yourself up for being ill, its not your fault

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## john82

> Walking helps me so much , just a short walk even getting out being around even people I don’t know helps me feel connected . Hope you feel better


I walk my dog everyday but lately i just try to avoid people

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## john82

I've been on Mirtazapine for over 3 weeks now and i'm struggling with it.

Fed up waking up in the middle of the night with aching joints/pains,and then trying to get out of bed i feel like a zombie for the 1st 2 hours or so.My joints ache so much its like i've flu.

Think im going to ask to come off them and try something else.

I've tried the app called woebot but it just felt a little silly talking to an app

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## Paula

Definitely talk to your doctor, the side effects should be easing by now.

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## john82

> Definitely talk to your doctor, the side effects should be easing by now.


I will do i've been awake since 8am and i look like a pensioner trying to get upstairs.

Worried as the dr wanted me to try mood gym but i've not got £40 spare

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## Paula

I think its actually 39 AUD which works out as £22 ish. However, it used to be free so your doctor may not be aware it charges now so Id suggest asking the question, and checking whether theres any alternatives in your area.

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## Suzi

Completely agree with Paula. Do get an appointment to speak to your Dr - don't just stop the meds please!

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## john82

> Completely agree with Paula. Do get an appointment to speak to your Dr - don't just stop the meds please!


Thanks for the reply and don't worry I'm still going to take them I'm just really feeling strange on them, electric shock sensations,I'll see what the doctor says.

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## Suzi

Definitely talk to your GP. It might mean that this med or dosage isn't suited to you..  There's no exact science with this I'm afraid..

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## john82

Well from today I've decided to half the 15mg tabs as I run out on Friday and I don't want to pay for another prescription,plus I don't see the doctor until Monday.

I'm hoping that by taking 7.5mg for a few days it'll be easier than stopping straight away.

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## Suzi

I would urge against changing any dosages or anything without speaking to your Dr...

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## Paula

Surely you can wait a few days when youre seeing the doctor?

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## john82

Thought I'd update this thread.

Dr has now put me on Duciltia 30mg which so far haven't upset me although my moods still low.

I've been trying to work out at home but I'm finding it hard to get motivated.

Had a letter from work regarding a meeting to check on how I'm doing so that's worried me as there just going to pressure me,and ask why I haven't gone private for counselling.

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## Suzi

How long have you been taking them?

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## Paula

Can you take someone to the meeting with you?

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## john82

I've been taking them about 2-3 weeks have to admit I've missed 1 day here and there.

Yes I can do,hopefully it's just a wellness meeting to see if work can help in anyway,I don't feel comfortable going into work,I can't deal with all the questions from colleagues etc...
Hoping my boss can just come round my house or I'll meet him elsewhere.

I'm just worried there going to say I'm doing nothing although I explained that to the Dr last time and he said it takes time these are the 3rd tabs I've been on.

I've tried alittle cbt but it feels a little repetitive.

I'm still waiting for therapy 3 months now and the I'm starting to wonder why I bothered going to the doctor's

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## Paula

> I'm starting to wonder why I bothered going to the doctor's


Because you werent getting better on your own. John, it took you a long time to get to where you are now, its not going to be an immediate return to good health. You need to be patient. And you absolutely must take the meds as the doctor has prescribed - and stop missing doses. All that does is extends how long itll take to get better .....

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## Suzi

Paula's right. Sometimes it takes time to find the right medication and dose - Remember it can take 4 - 8 weeks to get into your system and that's taking it every day regularly. Skipping doses isn't going to help you at all lovely.

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## john82

> Paula's right. Sometimes it takes time to find the right medication and dose - Remember it can take 4 - 8 weeks to get into your system and that's taking it every day regularly. Skipping doses isn't going to help you at all lovely.


That's what the doctor said.

At the moment i'm waiting for counselling,but i've always got work in the back of my mind and that i need to feel better asap so i can get back

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## Suzi

But it might be worth taking a little longer now to give yourself time to heal a bit?

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## john82

> But it might be worth taking a little longer now to give yourself time to heal a bit?


I know,but I can't help but fear the worst everytime I hear from work etc... I know all work are going to say is why don't you go private... And use that as pressure & if I don't,I think they'll use that against me.

I can't really afford to go private at £40-£50 a session

I also appreciate all the replays I've been getting X.

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## Suzi

They can't insist you go private - unless they are prepared to pay for you and then they can only offer it afaik.....

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## john82

> They can't insist you go private - unless they are prepared to pay for you and then they can only offer it afaik.....


Occupational health will prob get a mention in the meeting

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## Paula

Why do you think theyll try to make you go private?

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## john82

> Why do you think they’ll try to make you go private?


It's something my boss mentioned last time I had a meeting with them,said it would speed things up and get me back to work quicker

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## Paula

Then, as Suzi says, theyll have to pay

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## Suzi

Many, many years ago the place my husband was working for were brilliant during his first breakdown. They had a private insurance scheme which paid for him to have a counsellor who came out to him at home after seeing a psych in Harley Street. They couldn't have done more to try to help because they cared, rather than for anything else....

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## john82

It's been a while so thought I'd post an update as I don't really have anyone to talk to.

I've been switched onto duloxetine 60mg and have been taking them for the past month or so.

I'm still waiting on the let's talk I've finally got an appointment for this coming Monday after waiting since June the I sometimes wondered why I bothered to go to them for help.My moods still all over the place usually worse at night.

I've been trying to exercise to stay positive.Im still finding it tough to talk to friends and have completely cut myself off mainly because I'm embarrassed and feel ashamed about the situation.

I've a meeting with work on Friday about how they can help me get bk they mentioned working days for a few hours just to get myself bk into the business and talking to people.I worried there going to put pressure on me at the meeting to accept that,although they've been great so far.I don't feel ready to do that yet and would like to wait until I've seen the councillor.Im really terrified about going into the place on Friday as I don't want all the questions and the I haven't a clue what to say

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## Suzi

What are you embarrassed and ashamed of lovely? 
When did you last see someone for a meds review? Do you not feel these are helping much?

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## Strugglingmum

Can you reschedule Friday??

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## john82

> What are you embarrassed and ashamed of lovely? 
> When did you last see someone for a meds review? Do you not feel these are helping much?


I'm embarrassed and ashamed about the way i feel,the amount of time i've been off work,what my friends & colleagues will think,half the time i feel like i don't fit in.

My meds were changed about a month & half ago this is the 4th time they've been changed.I feel like none of them are working as i still feel low almost everyday.




> Can you reschedule Friday??


No i can't reschedule friday,they agreed to meet me elsewhere if it was easier but i want to meet at work as i have to go in there at some point and i feel like im just putting off the inevitable.It's just an idea so i was told over the phone to think about and that the meeting was in no way formal etc its just to see how i am and if they can do anything to help although there's going to be somebody else there taking notes??. I just hope i don't feel pressured,i'm not the most confident, i told them over the phone i've finally got a date to talk to a Councillor 28th and i'm about to start my sessions so ideally does it sound bad if i say my heads not right and i'd like to see how the counselling sessions go before making a decision about returning to work?

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## Suzi

Sweetheart you are poorly. Would you be so embarrassed if it was something you could physically see? You really have no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed. Illness is illness.... 
Did you have a break between the medications? 6 weeks isn't long enough to see if it's going to help, especially if you are decreasing another one too at the same time.

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## john82

> Sweetheart you are poorly. Would you be so embarrassed if it was something you could physically see? You really have no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed. Illness is illness.... 
> Did you have a break between the medications? 6 weeks isn't long enough to see if it's going to help, especially if you are decreasing another one too at the same time.


I'm not sure the people at work will all see it like that...

I just switched tabs straight away so far I've been on 

Sertraline 50mg

Sertraline 100mg

Mirtazapine 15mg

Duciltia 30mg

Duloxetine 60mg

I'm still having quite bad thoughts almost daily I was hoping for a tablet that would immediately make me feel happy

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## Suzi

There isn't a magic cure all pill I'm afraid.. 

How long have you been on each one? Just straight swap from one to the next?

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## john82

> There isn't a magic cure all pill I'm afraid.. 
> 
> How long have you been on each one? Just straight swap from one to the next?


The shortest one was Mirtazapine as I had horrible side effects but at least 6 weeks on some.

Yep I was just straight swapped by the dr

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## Suzi

No wonder you feel rubbish! It takes 4 - 8 weeks to get into your system and the same for each dose change - both up, down and stopping! So you haven't been able to properly try any of them as you still had the other one getting into/out of your system!

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## john82

Thought I'd post an update I've finally managed to get in with the well being councillors and have been to 5 sessions so far.

My anxiety has gone down since but my mood is still low,everyone I mention this to the councillor that I'm constantly feeling down and everything seems like a struggle she doesn't really seem to reply. It feels like her main aim is for me to get back into work but I'm worried as it feels like nothings changed and the fact I'm still feeling down, having regular suicidal thoughts

I spoke to my doctor on Monday and he mentioned he could up the dosage of duloxetine I'm currently on 60mg so that's an option.

I'm just concerned as I've never had therapy before so don't really know what to expect I was hoping they'd help with the thoughts I've been having but all I've been told to do is write a daily diary about what I'm doing for the last 4 weeks.

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## Jaquaia

It often takes time for therapy to be effective. Carry on being as honest as you can

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## john82

> It often takes time for therapy to be effective. Carry on being as honest as you can


I have been completely honest so far still get embarrassed telling them how I'm feeling.

Only thing that's caught me off guard a few times is when they ask me where do I want to go etc to which I reply I just want to stop feeling miserable

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## Paula

That seems like a good aim to start with. Jaqs right, therapy takes time. It may seem that progress is slow but there is progress - your anxiety is already improved. The rest will come, sweetie, Im sure of it  :(bear): 

There is nothing to feel embarrassed about, youre ill, you wont be saying anything they wont have heard before

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## Suzi

I completely agree with Jaq and Paula. It takes time, but if you are struggling do talk to your dr again about upping your meds then do so lovely.

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## magie06

A trip back to the doctor seems to be on the cards. You are doing great as you are. Try every day to just keep going forward. I believe you can make it.

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## john82

Had a chat with the Dr about how i was feeling on Monday. I told him about my moods being up & down,mainly down at night when i've got too much time to think, and im still having a lot of thoughts about maybe it would be better and easier if i wasn't here.He suggested maybe upping the meds but the main problem im having with duloxetine 60mg was it was causing me to sweat from just walking my dog and im dreading the summer when it actually gets warm!!. I'm staying on 60mg at the moment and will see how i feel next visit.

I've got a meeting with Work next week which has already set my anxiety off panicking about what will happen feeling sick etc.Last time they offered to give me reduced hours etc but i hadn't started the counselling and wanted to try that before going back to work.To be honest the counselling has given me the option to talk to somebody which i needed,but i'm still waiting for the magical answers for how do i make myself feel happier?.

Truth is its easier for me to hide away at home then having to deal with people at work,I still don't know how to deal with the situation when people ask where i've been, whats been wrong etc

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## Paula

When do you see the doctor next? If you havent got a time frame, can I suggest you dont leave it much longer than a few weeks?

Wrt counselling, of course it can make a big difference but there is no magical solution to depression, Im afraid.....

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## Suzi

I agree with Paula - there is no magic "woohoo you're going to be happy from now on".. I wish there was. But then no one is happy all of the time. Everyone has blue days... I think it's a case of feeling brighter than you were and reducing/removing the dark thoughts... 
Do you think that going back to work on a phased return or something similar might help move things forward?

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## john82

> I agree with Paula - there is no magic "woohoo you're going to be happy from now on".. I wish there was. But then no one is happy all of the time. Everyone has blue days... I think it's a case of feeling brighter than you were and reducing/removing the dark thoughts... 
> Do you think that going back to work on a phased return or something similar might help move things forward?


Hi I'm seeing my doctor again in 4 weeks.

Yes I'd like to go back to work but like I said it's easier to hide away that way I won't have to deal with all the questions from colleagues and the paranoia wondering if they know why I've been off etc.

I'd been feeling miserable for a long time and that's the main reason I went doctors at the minute it doesn't feel as though I've made any progress my worry is I'll go bk to work and just get worse

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## Suzi

You could be honest with your colleagues about why you have been off? 
Is work a trigger for you? Why would you get worse by going back?

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## john82

> You could be honest with your colleagues about why you have been off? 
> Is work a trigger for you? Why would you get worse by going back?


I've thought about being honest some days I think yeah that'll be fine but then other days I get doubts about if I'll be looked at different.

I just think by going back to work it'll be forgotten about and I'll just be expected to get on with things.

It feels like I haven't gotten anywhere in the time I've been off.I was looking today at support groups in my area.

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## Suzi

Is this the first time you've been looking at support groups?

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## john82

> Is this the first time you've been looking at support groups?


I've looked before but I don't think I'd of had the courage to go but now I think I could,anything really if it helps

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## Suzi

Have you contacted your local mind group?

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## Paula

> I've looked before but I don't think I'd of had the courage to go but now I think I could,anything really if it helps


I think thats really positive that youre looking at different options to manage your illness  :):

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## john82

> Have you contacted your local mind group?


I've looked and my local one is Coventry,would they be able to offer anything different? I'm seeing my counsellor monday and was going to mention it there.

All I've been doing is writing a diary.

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## john82

> I think that’s really positive that you’re looking at different options to manage your illness


Thanks the tabs have definitely helped my anxiety.I'd like to try something different and I'm feeling a little more confident now

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## john82

Thought I'd post an update 
I've made a few steps in the right direction over the past 2 weeks started to talk to my friends again I've been into work and had a chat with colleagues which left me feeling relived.

I'm planning on going back on a phased return but work want me to work 1hour X 5 days a week and gradually increase but I can't survive on that money come the end of the month if I'm loosing my ESA payments.

The only negative I can think of if finding out 1 of my close work friends has got engaged which made me feel sick and start worrying that he'll be leaving soon,and that my life seems to be going nowhere. I don't know why I feel like this, I should be happy right? I've always had trouble dealing with friends moving on or leaving right back to school it seems to set me panicking that I'll be alone.

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## Suzi

Well done for talking to people! That's a huge step forward! 
Call ESA, I'm sure I read somewhere that it will stay paying if you are working under a certain hours and payment threshold... 

Why do you automatically assume your friend will be leaving you now he is engaged?

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## Paula

Suzis right, under ESA, you should be allowed to do whats called Permitted Work. If you working less than 16 hours per week and earning less than £131.50, you wont lose your benefit (https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/be...e-getting-esa/).

All you need to do is complete the relevant form and submit to the job centre

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john82 (28-04-19),Suzi (16-04-19)

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## john82

Thanks for the reply's sorry I'm late replying.

Been into work a few times since I last posted which made me feel good.

I wish I didn't feel bad about finding out my friends got engaged,I should be really happy for him it just sets me off panicking. I seem to struggle with friends leaving or moving on ever since school. He's already mentioned that he'll eventually move to live with her.

I'm going back to work on days a week Tuesday starting off on 2.5 hours a day. I'm nervous as it gets closer it'll just get worse,but I know it's something that'll hopefully get easier.

I've got counseling tomorrow I'm a bit worried as after the last session she hinted that it's near the end as my anxiety levels have come down,which worry's me as I'm still having bad day's and it feels like we haven't really touched on why I'm feeling suicidal,I fill the questions in at the start of the session and I always circle I'm feeling suicidal. Where do I go once the sessions stop?.

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## Suzi

Ask them what options there are for after this. What kind of counselling have you had? Have you told them your concerns?

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## john82

> Ask them what options there are for after this. What kind of counselling have you had? Have you told them your concerns?


Had my session today only just seen this Ive got another appointment in 2 weeks.

Just talking and doing a daily diary. I might pluck up the courage to ring mind to see if there's anything local.

I'm quite anxious and nervous at the minute the closer it gets to returning to work.

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## Paula

Have you got a date for that yet?

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## john82

> Have you got a date for that yet?


A week Tuesday

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## Suzi

Definitely call them and ask hun...

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## john82

Well the last 2 days have been hard I'm thinking more and more about returning to work and feeling very anxious and scared about it.

I've been trying to keep busy but in the evenings I tend to try and watch TV and that's when I feel down. Ive not exercises this week due to constantly feeling sick/worried about work.

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## Suzi

Are you eating? Drinking properly? 
Do you think that building in a new hobby or something might help?

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## john82

> Are you eating? Drinking properly? 
> Do you think that building in a new hobby or something might help?


I've no appetite to eat although I have had good throughout the day.

I'm not sure what to do last few nights have been rough,I can't seem to stop thinking about work

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## Paula

When was your last review with your GP?

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## john82

> When was your last review with your GP?


My last review was almost 4 weeks ago,I've been fine things just seem to be getting worse the closer it gets to going back to work. I know the first day will be the worst and then it'll get easier but I can't seem to stop worrying.

I feel a bit better doubled up my meds which seemed to have helped. Im going to book an appointment with the doctor later today.

I don't think it's helped that the last few days I've been skipping doses every other day due to the side effects I can't walk my dog without my t-shirt being covered in sweat and it's only going to get worse with the summer approaching.

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## Suzi

You can't skip days. That isn't going to help at all. You have to take them at roughly the same time every day or each other day you are throwing your body into a sort of withdrawal... No wonder you are feeling more and more anxious!

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## Paula

John, if youre going to do that you might as well not be taking them at all. Theres a reason they need to be take daily. If you cant cope with the side effects, talk to your doctor. In the meantime, please take them as prescribed, youre just making things worse for yourself otherwise

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## john82

> John, if you’re going to do that you might as well not be taking them at all. There’s a reason they need to be take daily. If you can’t cope with the side effects, talk to your doctor. In the meantime, please take them as prescribed, you’re just making things worse for yourself otherwise


Thanks I understand.

I've spoke to the doctor before about it and he said it's a common side effect,only problem it just makes more more anxious and not want to go out

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## Suzi

But why take them if you aren't taking them properly? You are throwing your body into withdrawal every other day.

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## Paula

Which is why you need to talk to your doctor. If you cant cope with the side effects, then maybe mirtazapine isnt the right drug for you

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## john82

> Which is why you need to talk to your doctor. If you can’t cope with the side effects, then maybe mirtazapine isn’t the right drug for you


That's the thing I switched from mirtazapine before Christmas onto Duciltia 30mg and then Duloxetine 60mg which is what I'm currently on.

----------


## Paula

Sorry  :(blush):  . Then you need to talk about the duloxetine - you need to be on meds that work for you and so you need to speak to your doctor.....

----------


## Jaquaia

Same applies. If you can't cope with the side effects then go and speak to your GP. A lot of people find they have side effects with that AD, I lasted 2 weeks on it. ADs need to be taken correctly to reach therapeutic levels, if you're not taking them properly then you may as well be taking smarties for all the good they'll do

----------


## john82

I'll speak to the doctor, last time I mentioned it he said it was a common side effect and left it at that,hoping he can give me something to stop the sweating as that's the only bad side effect I've been getting.

I just didn't want to have to switch over tabs again

----------


## Suzi

But you can't carry on as you are, there's no point taking the meds if you aren't taking them properly...

----------


## john82

> But you can't carry on as you are, there's no point taking the meds if you aren't taking them properly...


I agree going to book an appointment first thing.

Went into work tonight just to calm myself and my anxiety went through the roof and I was a complete mess,sat in the office with my manager crying etc I just feel a mess

----------


## Paula

Hunni, youre struggling with anxiety because of the meds and youre already anxious about returning to work. Maybe popping in isnt the best thing for you right now

----------


## john82

> Hunni, you’re struggling with anxiety because of the meds and you’re already anxious about returning to work. Maybe popping in isn’t the best thing for you right now


I'm meant to be returning to work Tuesday that's why I keep going in to try and calm myself down and get used to it again,thought it would help.

I'm going to book an emergency appointment tomorrow and I'll speak to the doctor again the meds and how I'm feeling quite bad at the minute.

----------


## Suzi

I'm really glad you're booking an appointment. I think it's the best plan. Will you let us know how you get on?

----------


## john82

> I'm really glad you're booking an appointment. I think it's the best plan. Will you let us know how you get on?


Booked an appointment today but could only get a telephone appointment. I'll let you know what happens

----------


## john82

> Booked an appointment today but could only get a telephone appointment. I'll let you know what happens


So i've just spoke to the doctor. I'm staying on the 60mg duloxetine he's also prescribing me a antiperspirant spray which he says should stop the sweating (i'm not convinced) He's also booked me in to see a doctor who specialises in mental health half way house to a psychiatrist ???

----------


## Suzi

That all sounds positive!
Are you going to take the meds every day? (Properly?)

----------


## john82

> That all sounds positive!
> Are you going to take the meds every day? (Properly?)


Yep I'll preserve as long as the other stuff stops the side effects I'll give it 4 weeks.

I'm now stressing about telling work that he's signed me off again and I told them my aim was to be back this Tuesday.

----------


## Paula

Im glad youve been signed off, you are very obviously not well enough to return to work just yet

----------


## Suzi

How long has he signed you off for?

----------


## john82

> How long has he signed you off for?


Another 4 weeks which won't go down well with work. At the moment I'm putting off telling them but it'll just build and make me more anxious until I do

I was in the office with 3 managers and they could see how I was so I'm hoping they'll kind of back me up

----------


## Suzi

Can you email them? Then you don't have to speak to anyone?

----------


## john82

> Can you email them? Then you don't have to speak to anyone?


No I'll have to WhatsApp the boss and let him know

----------


## Paula

Then thats what you should do

----------


## Mira

Yes indeed, what we want and what we can manage at time do not match at all. And right now you need to look after you. I know how it can make you feel letting work know how you feel and that you are signed off. But after you do that will be one less thing to worry about and you can take care of yourself.

----------


## Suzi

Have you managed to do that?

----------


## john82

> Have you managed to do that?


Not yet I just tend to avoid it. I automatically worry about the worst outcome.

On the positive they can see I've made progress that was until Thursday which has knocked me a lot.

----------


## Suzi

The sooner you do it, the less it's going to be there getting harder and harder to do...

----------


## john82

> The sooner you do it, the less it's going to be there getting harder and harder to do...


Yes but I'm just worried about what will come after

----------


## Paula

What do you think will come after?

----------


## Suzi

What is it that you're afraid of? What's the worst they can do?

----------


## john82

I'm obviously going to disappoint them as I was aiming to be back this coming week so I'm sure they'll use that against me.

There's going to be a point when they say enough.... I was told 1/2 months ago that if I was in the same position in 6 months time then they'd have to obviously take steps just worried they'll bring that forward.

----------


## Suzi

In what way are they going to "use it against" you? What steps could they take? Have you spoken to you your union rep or the CAB?

----------


## john82

Well I've sent the message 

Hi been stressing about this since Friday.Had an emergency appointment with my doctor as I've been feeling really low and stressed I've been referred to a psychiatrist Dr who I'm seeing on friday.I've another sick note. Sorry to let you down.I'll keep you informed after my appointment Friday. Sorry

All I've had back from my manager is ok no worries the Dutta not replied.

I'm not in the Union in our workplace as they don't really have a lot of power.

They've offered for me to go back and do 1 hr or if I feel rough not to come in the following day,to be fair they've been really good its examples like Thursday night which scare me and put me off going back.That's what I'm expecting they'll say

----------


## Suzi

You've done well to send the message. Who is the "Dutta?" Your manager is right, it's OK. They can offer a phased return, but not whilst you are still signed off by a Dr. They can't overrule that. Imagine if they did - their insurance would be void, health and safety would have a field day! Really. You need to focus on getting you well now.

----------


## john82

Feeling kinda low tonight which seems to have come on from nowhere, so trying to keep busy,been thinking about work which seems to have set me off,apart from that I've been ok for most of the day.

It's been a while since I posted. I've seen another eoc at my practice (at least I think he's a Dr) who used to work with the crisis team he seemed nice he's prescribed propranolol 40mg X 2 a day.I'm due to see him again in a week as he wants to change my meds again I think he said venlafaxine in the morning and he wants to put me back on the mirtazapine for the evenings as my sleeping is terrible,however I mentioned I didn't want to go back on that med due to the horrible side effects I was getting mainly the brain zap sensations.

I mentioned I was worried about counselling ending and having no support but he told me the wellbeing was just the start and that there was plenty they could do psychologist was one.

He wanted me to go out more as I don't really leave the house only to walk my dog,he mentioned going to the cinema which I haven't done,explained I was worried about people from work seeing me out and about when I'm off sick.

----------


## Suzi

That sounds like a really, really positive appointment. 

If you are off sick, it means you are off sick - not incarcerated. To get well you need to go out, you need to socialise and you need to follow the suggestions of your care team....

----------

Flo (17-05-19)

----------


## john82

> That sounds like a really, really positive appointment. 
> 
> If you are off sick, it means you are off sick - not incarcerated. To get well you need to go out, you need to socialise and you need to follow the suggestions of your care team....


Yes he's been in the same situation when he was describing how he felt at the time I sat there thinking this guy understands as the way he was feeling was almost the same.

Looking forward to seeing him again just a bit worried we'll clash over the mirtazapine.

Spoke to a few people on twitter last night after watching the nadiya anxiety documentary and was recommended the following book by Paul David At Last a Life so I've ordered that hopefully I have the patience to stick with it.

----------


## Paula

Theres no need to clash over the mirt, there may be alternatives.  Actually, I was just writing the DWD Facebook post for Sunday and it is about comparing the different ADs so have a look at this from Mind, it might give you ideas to talk to him about

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-.../#.XN3R_orTWf0

----------


## john82

> There’s no need to clash over the mirt, there may be alternatives.  Actually, I was just writing the DWD Facebook post for Sunday and it is about comparing the different ADs so have a look at this from Mind, it might give you ideas to talk to him about
> 
> https://www.mind.org.uk/information-.../#.XN3R_orTWf0


Thanks

----------


## Suzi

I absolutely agree with Paula. He seems so positive for you and that he actually listens. There are so many options, but at the end of the day he can't make you take them if you don't want to.....

----------


## Flo

I couldn't agree more with suzi. Part of getting better includes going out and facing the world and doing the things you want to do...little by little, or as much as you can deal with. If you happen to be seen out by work colleagues or bosses and are questioned, then simply tell them you're out and about so that you can go back to work as soon as possible. My guess is though that they'll try and be as understanding as possible. Let's face it, who in their right mind would want to be at home feeling lousy? It certainly isn't because they have B all else to do is it? Where I live MIND have their own cafe and drop in sessions to accommodate everyone. It might be worth it to 'drop in' on one of them and make new friends.

----------

Suzi (17-05-19)

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## john82

Thought I'd post an update.
I finally had enough of the side effects duloxitine was causing me so I spent 2 weeks at 30mg down from 60mg and then went cold turkey...

After going back to the doctor's for my appointment he's now put me on venlafaxine 75mg and he's hoping they don't cause me side effects,tbh I'm at the point now where I'm starting to think I'll be better off on no medication but I was willing to give these ago. I've currently been taking them for almost 2 weeks and apart from feeling really tired I'm still suffering with side effects Mainly sweating.

The doctor mentioned if these didn't work he's referring me to a CMHT.

----------


## Paula

Ive been on venlafaxine (375 mg) for years. for me, yes if I miss or am late with a dose I feel awful (withdrawal is the worst of all ADs Ive tried), but otherwise the side effects were minimal after the first few weeks

----------


## john82

> I’ve been on venlafaxine (375 mg) for years. for me, yes if I miss or am late with a dose I feel awful (withdrawal is the worst of all ADs I’ve tried), but otherwise the side effects were minimal after the first few weeks


I found out my sister's on it as well.

The doctor said it could take over 2 weeks for the duloxitine to be out the system worst case 2 months.... 

Main problem is I'd like to go out without having to worry about my t-shirt getting soaked from sweating mainly my back area,which only started right back when I was on serotonin.

Doctor told me to take it in the morning as it tends to give people an energy boost and I'd struggle to sleep on it,although my sister takes it twice a day morning and night??

----------


## Suzi

My husband is now on Venlafaxine - again he had tiredness, but much less side effects than with any of the others. It's actually been a complete game changer for him and for all of us.

----------


## Jaquaia

There are 2 types of venlafaxine, a "normal" one and an extended release one. The "normal" one is 2 tablets

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## john82

Right I've been on Venlafaxine for about 6 weeks now.

I feel like my mood has improved quite a bit I went out for a meal last week with friends that's the first time I've been out socially in almost 18 months!

I'm still getting hot sweats, it feels like my body temperature is off that's the only side effect I'm still getting and it's still a big one Dr said venlafaxine shouldn't cause sweating although when you look online it's one of the side effects?

----------


## Suzi

Go back and talk to them, but if that's the only negative can you live with it?

----------


## Paula

Im so chuffed youre starting to feel the benefits  :): . Thing with side effects is they often reduce with time but talk to your doctor if youre really struggling. It may be theres something that could help

----------


## john82

The thing is I hate it, it makes me way more anxious.

Was helping my sister take down a wall today with my 65 year old dad and I was literally dripping where as my dad hasn't even broke into a sweat it's really embarrassing.

Thing is the mental health practitioner said it's quite common with anti depressants and if I was to come off them he couldn't help me anymore.

Plus I've already been on 4 different anti depressants and they all caused me to sweat a lot which makes me not want to go out

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## magie06

I've had that problem. It lasted ages for me I'm afraid. It was embarrassing as I teach crafts in a school once a week and by the time I was finished I would be very wet. The way I got over it, was to mention it to people before I started. Most are very understanding. I told them it was a side effect of my meds and they completely understood. 
Try this and see what reaction you get. I'm sure like me you'll only find understanding.

----------


## john82

I'm hoping I can cope with it at work but it's in public where I struggle even walking the dog it's weird as when I'm doing weights it's nowhere near as bad in the garage.

Dreading the weather this week as it's going to be scorching

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## Jaquaia

Could it be anxiety related then? Rather than a side effect of the ad?

----------


## Suzi

I have it as part of one of my medical conditions - I just tell people that I have a broken thermostat. I've recently bought something called neat 3B Face saver gel which is meant to help. I've not really had chance to try it out properly yet, but it does seem to help..

----------


## john82

> Could it be anxiety related then? Rather than a side effect of the ad?


I'm not sure all I know is that I never suffered with this until I started to take medication

----------


## Suzi

6 weeks and it's still not fully in your system - that can take up to 8 weeks. Do go and talk to your GP again if this is continuing. They might be able to suggest something?

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## john82

> 6 weeks and it's still not fully in your system - that can take up to 8 weeks. Do go and talk to your GP again if this is continuing. They might be able to suggest something?


Thing is I've been complaining about the side effect maybe a month or 2 after I first started to take the tabs all I got was it's just a common side effect.

I feel good ATM but I'm not going to continue to just put up with it I'll mention it again when I see the doc a week Friday I can guarantee he'll say it could be the duloxitine working its way out my system. 

The thing I didn't like is him saying venlafaxine won't cause sweating when it's listed as a common side effect.

Its tricky I think I need some medication to help with my mood but not at the cost of feeling even more anxious and embarrassed.

----------


## Paula

If you dont agree with the doctor, perhaps its worth seeing another one in the practice

----------


## john82

> If you don’t agree with the doctor, perhaps it’s worth seeing another one in the practice


I've seen 1 doctor and then he referred me to a mental health practitioner who's worked with mind etc he's the one who's witched my meds to venlafaxine he said there's loads we can try but I'm beginning to think what's the point as everyone so far has caused this side effect.

It is like my internal body temperature has been raised since taking meds

----------


## Suzi

Definitely talk to them. I know I had to decide whether I wanted to live with pain or the meds side effects..... I chose to deal with the crappy side effects...

----------


## john82

> Definitely talk to them. I know I had to decide whether I wanted to live with pain or the meds side effects..... I chose to deal with the crappy side effects...


Thanks for the replies I'm grateful for the advice

----------


## john82

Had a rough night last night ive woke up feeling sick and seem to be worrying and i cant quite work out why.

Had a good day yesterday managed to go out with friends for lunch and had a good afternoon and then this evening i started to worry and feel sick.

I'm due to see the doctor soon and that's been on my mind as to what i want to do as i leaning towards coming off the tabs as the side effects are just to much to handle

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## Paula

Remind me again what meds youve tried?

----------


## Suzi

What side effects are you dealing with?

----------


## john82

> Remind me again what meds you’ve tried?


Sertraline 50mg

Sertraline 100mg

Mirtazapine 15mg

Duciltia 30mg

Duloxetine 60mg

May 2019

Duloxetine 30mg

June 2019

Venlafaxine

----------


## john82

> What side effects are you dealing with?


Main one that's making me way more anxious is sweating the anti depressants seem to make me sweat loads

----------


## Suzi

That's a symptom I have with one of my conditions so I do understand how things can be - but if it's helping your mood then is it not worth persevering?

----------


## Paula

I know that seems a lot of meds but unfortunately its often the case that it takes multiple attempts to get it right. There are a lot of alternative meds available, any chance I could convince you to persevere?

----------


## john82

> That's a symptom I have with one of my conditions so I do understand how things can be - but if it's helping your mood then is it not worth persevering?


Thing is I'm due to go back to work a week Monday and I'm really worried about the side effects.

I'm quite active exercise alot and since I've been on these tabs the slightest bit sets me off walking the dog etc so I'm really worried about work where it's physical,I can see myself panicking




> I know that seems a lot of meds but unfortunately itÂs often the case that it takes multiple attempts to get it right. There are a lot of alternative meds available, any chance I could convince you to persevere?


I started taking CBD oil over a month ago so hoping maybe that'll help I'm currently sat here now feeling sick and panicking most likely about work even though I've been fine it seems to be the closer it gets the worse I do.

Thing is I knew it's going to take a while for the meds to come out of my system,I'll speak to the doctor about where I go from here

----------


## Paula

There are extra strong anti perspirants on the market - I had a similar problem years ago and they helped for me at the time. I used Perspirex but there are loads of others

----------


## john82

> There are extra strong anti perspirants on the market - I had a similar problem years ago and they helped for me at the time. I used Perspirex but there are loads of others


Yep already tried I just want to go back to normal

----------


## Suzi

What meds have you tried - and for how long? Why did you stop each one?

----------


## john82

> What meds have you tried - and for how long? Why did you stop each one?


Sertraline 50mg Upped due to not feeling anything Noticed sweating getting a lot worse

Sertraline 100mg Again stopped due to it feeling like it wasn't working (2-3 months) 

Mirtazapine 15mg 1 month stopped due to really bad side effects (electric shock sensations,sluggish,dizzy spells,sweating)

Duciltia 30mg Stopped due to upping meds

Duloxetine 60mg I was on this the longest No other side effects apart from sweating a lot

May 2019

Duloxetine 30mg Reduced dosage to switch to another drug 4 weeks

June 2019

Venlafaxine This is what ive been on since June

----------


## Suzi

What meds were upped causing you to stopping those? 

As it takes 6 - 8 weeks for each AD to fully get into your system and then the same time for each meds change and again to leave your system it does stand to reason that you do still have the duloxetine getting out of your system as well as the venlafexine getting into your system...

----------


## Paula

Personally, I was never on any of my ADs for less than 6 months before the doctor and I decided to try something else .....

----------


## john82

Spoke to the doctor yesterday my regular doctor  is off sick mentioned I wasn't happy with the side effects and he's now prescribed me lofepramine (shake

----------


## Suzi

So you're switching or adding it in? I assume you'll be cutting down your current med if switching?

----------


## john82

> So you're switching or adding it in? I assume you'll be cutting down your current med if switching?


As far as I know there to replace the venlafaxine I only had 1 tab left picked the new tabs up today I'm supposed to take 2 a day so I take it morning and night? Can't imagine all these med changes are doing me any good

----------


## Suzi

What dose venlafaxine are you on?

----------


## john82

I was on the lowest 75mg doctor didn't mention anything really just said try another tablet to see if it stops the side effects

----------


## Suzi

OK, just be aware that to start with you will have the new side effects and the side effects of the old one leaving your system.... 

What I don't understand is that if you are finding one beneficial for your mental health and the issue you have is sweating then why don't they prescribe you something to help with that?

----------


## john82

> OK, just be aware that to start with you will have the new side effects and the side effects of the old one leaving your system.... 
> 
> What I don't understand is that if you are finding one beneficial for your mental health and the issue you have is sweating then why don't they prescribe you something to help with that?


Oh great more side effects. He did ask how I was I said I was feeling great atm the minute it's just that I couldn't cope with he sweating side effect anymore and was told that the venlafaxine wouldn't cause it but it does.

He just said it's because of the serotonin or something.

I'm seeing the regular doctor but not until the 23rd as hes sick then on holiday  :(wasntme): 

I'd have thought they would have prescribed something for the sweating by now as that's all I keep moaning about. I've tried odaban which is fine for the top of my head but it's mainly my torso that's the problem.

I'll give these a go for a while and see how I get on if they do t work I'm not sure where I'm going to go from there

----------


## Suzi

Ask about something that combats the sweating. There are other options out there.

----------


## john82

> Ask about something that combats the sweating. There are other options out there.


Well its the 3rd day and the sweating has defiantly got worse  :(sweat):

----------


## Suzi

I would expect that as one is leaving your system and one is getting into your system....

----------


## john82

> I would expect that as one is leaving your system and one is getting into your system....


Yep i expected some withdrawal symptoms so far its constantly feeling sick,dizzy spells and sweating a lot.

I don't know who im more annoyed with myself or the regular doctor for calling in sick,I'll give them 2 weeks if im still feeling like crap i'm coming off all together and just sticking to the cbd oil

----------


## Suzi

Even doctors get ill love....

----------


## john82

> Even doctors get ill love....


Haha I know. I'm going to call the doctor's in the morning as I'm feeling awful the symptoms are like when I stopped taking the tablets last time.

I've been told the doctor should have tapered me off venlafaxine as it's really hard to get off?

----------


## Suzi

I don't know about that personally. You do have both in your system, it is going to take time love...

----------


## john82

> I don't know about that personally. You do have both in your system, it is going to take time love...


Hoping it doesn't take too long felt rough all day again its like ive got the flu constant hot/cold sweats.

No energy

----------


## Suzi

I'd see how you go over the weekend or so and if you aren't feeling any brighter then maybe give them a ring?

----------


## john82

> I'd see how you go over the weekend or so and if you aren't feeling any brighter then maybe give them a ring?


Yes I was going to ring in the morning today but woke up feeling fine it gradually gets worse as the day goes on.

I'm in two minds if I manage to last over the weekend then surely it's a matter of time before I start to feel better.

More annoyed it's messing my workouts up

----------


## Suzi

How bad is it?

----------


## john82

Woke up feeling a bit better had a slight headache,walked the dog and I came back with my t-shirt soaked again hot/cold sweating.

Trying to eat something as I've felt sick since midday

https://photos.app.goo.gl/qu2rT9F7sHoia1EF9

----------


## Suzi

You do need to eat regularly on meds hun... 
FWIW It's much hotter than it looks out there today! I was really hot and sweaty during the walk for Pride..

----------


## john82

Last 2 days have been better had daily headaches and the sickness has gradually eased.

Last 2 mornings I've had to cover my legs with the duvet as I was cold! Also I was actually cold when walking my dog Sunday! Fingers crossed  :(y): .

I've still been taking the tabs the doctor prescribed but only 1 instead of 2 fluoxetine.

----------


## Paula

Thats really positive  :):

----------


## Suzi

Why have you halved the dose of fluoxetine?

----------


## john82

> Why have you halved the dose of fluoxetine?


I halved the dose as ideally id like to come off the tablets soon and figured it would be easier on a smaller dose.  I'm sick of all the side effects i've been putting up with for over a year,it just makes more more paranoid and anxious about going out.

I've tried so many tablets now maybe anti-depressants aren't for me and i seem to be the only one getting the constant sweating from taking them,plus im due to start back work soon and i can't face the side effects.

I'm wondering if that's why im feeling sick around 4-7pm that's when i should take the 2nd tab or is that just a coincidence

----------


## Jaquaia

It probably is. Really you shouldn't come off a tablet without speaking to your GP.

----------


## Suzi

You really do need to talk to your Dr. Messing around with your doses is going to make everything so much harder on you. There are medications you can be given to try to stop the sweating.... You have options. Surely if it's working to help your mental health then that's the best thing?

----------


## john82

> It probably is. Really you shouldn't come off a tablet without speaking to your GP.


I'm seeing the mental health guy on the 23rd I'm still on the tabs they gave me just half the dosage,I'll talk to him then he knows the situation he had to persuade me last time to try the venlafaxine and basically lied by saying these wouldn't cause sweating when it's one of the most common side effects.

The only thing I'm worried about is going back to work and feeling miserable again once Ive come off the tablets

----------


## Suzi

But you haven't given the meds long enough to get into your system - then you've changed the dose which will then take  up to another 8 weeks, then if you're talking about stopping them then it's really going to make you feel so much worse. You aren't giving yourself a fair chance really....

----------


## john82

> But you haven't given the meds long enough to get into your system - then you've changed the dose which will then take  up to another 8 weeks, then if you're talking about stopping them then it's really going to make you feel so much worse. You aren't giving yourself a fair chance really....


I'm not being funny but I've been on about the sweating since last year and they've done nothing so I don't really hold out much hope they will now and if they do I'd be even more annoyed that they've let me suffer with it for this long.

The doctor changed me off venlafaxine because my regular Dr was sick these have then made me feel awful for the past week with withdrawal symptoms

----------


## Suzi

But have you asked them to prescribe something specific for the sweating?

----------


## john82

> But have you asked them to prescribe something specific for the sweating?


Yep I've mentioned it every visit how it's making me not want to go out etc all they've done is change my meds constantly I don't think I've been on the same tablets for longer than 12 weeks.

They gave me odaban when it was cheaper to buy off Amazon I used that for about a month helped with my face etc but it's mainly my back and torso,i feel embarrassed talking about it now

----------


## Suzi

It really isn't anything to be embarrassed about.. Although I do understand...

----------


## john82

> It really isn't anything to be embarrassed about.. Although I do understand...


I'm just getting abit stressed what with me going back to work a week today can already feel myself counting down the days and the anixety building even though I've worked there for 17 years it sounds daft,worrying I'll end up panicking and that will set everything off but I know it's something I need to do.

----------


## Suzi

It doesn't sound daft at all. Work obviously increases your anxiety... Is there any other ways around it?

----------


## john82

> It doesn't sound daft at all. Work obviously increases your anxiety... Is there any other ways around it?


I don't think so. When I go in for meetings I often have a walk round and say hello to everyone to calm myself down and I'm fine but that's probably because I know I can escape and leave anytime.

I'm going bk on rehab hours so it won't be for long but hopefully it'll calm me down I need to just get the 1st day out the way,but I'm finding it hard to occupy myself at nighttime trying not to worry about it.

Girlfriends fast asleep as she works early shifts have spoken a little bit about how worried I'm getting etc all she says is you'll be fine,she's most likely right just me overthinking things

----------


## Suzi

OVerthinking goes with the territory if you're anything like my husband....

----------


## Paula

How are you doing today?

----------


## john82

> How are you doing today?


I'm not too bad got soaked walking my dog earlier,nipped to see my mum and dad who are looking after my niece and nephew.

Aim tonight is to get bk in the garage and do weights although I'm starting to feel sick.

I've been trying to read Joshua Fletcher Anxiety: Panicking about Panic but I can't seem to stay focused and get easily distracted

----------


## Suzi

Could you be trying to read too much? If you're out of practise in reading then starting with smaller bits might be an easier way of doing it and would give you more of an achievement?

----------


## john82

> Could you be trying to read too much? If you're out of practise in reading then starting with smaller bits might be an easier way of doing it and would give you more of an achievement?


Maybe tbh I've always found reading quite boring but it's something I wish I enjoyed and I know it'll benefit me. The only books ive read are the Game of thrones books and I loved them.

Managed to go in the garage tonight for 45 mins just a little session,now on comes the anixety at night trying to stay positive.

I was thinking earlier you always ask me how I'm doing how my days been etc but I never ask the same question to you? so have you had a good day?

----------


## Paula

Ow about audio books? My husband struggles with focussing on a book but enjoys listening to audio books.

----------


## Suzi

I agree, audio books are wonderful!

Thank you for asking. We're preparing for results day tomorrow  :O:

----------


## john82

> I agree, audio books are wonderful!
> 
> Thank you for asking. We're preparing for results day tomorrow


How was results day?

----------


## Suzi

Good thanks! He got the grades he needed and is off to unni in a few weeks! 

How are you doing?

----------


## john82

> Good thanks! He got the grades he needed and is off to unni in a few weeks! 
> 
> How are you doing?


That's great news!!

I'm not to bad a bit annoyed that im struggling to eat atm constantly feeling sick which is ruining my gym routine.

Going to look into seeing if i can get an audiobook later for the anxiety book ive got

----------


## Suzi

Thank you! 

Try eating smaller amounts for a while, it might help?

----------


## john82

Made it to work today was going to do 2 hours but managed 3 I had a feel nervy situations but managed to get through it felt good spent most of the time chatting to people.

Now I'm feeling really anxious again pretty low mood wise :(think):  still struggling to eat even my favourite chocolates don't interest me atm

----------


## Paula

Thats awesome! Well done  :):

----------


## Suzi

Well done for going in and having a good day. 
Hope you've managed to eat properly...

----------


## john82

I'm trying to get back into a routine but it's tough went in again today I'm doing 4 days,worst bit was coming home and seeing my t-shirt which I had on under my uniform soaking wet,I've been finding it tiring more mentally constantly trying to stay calm etc

----------


## Suzi

If it was "only" your t shirt then that's not bad is it? Getting back into routines is really hard. 
When is your next appointment with your GP?

----------


## john82

> If it was "only" your t shirt then that's not bad is it? Getting back into routines is really hard. 
> When is your next appointment with your GP?


Next appointment is tomorrow.

I'm in two minds if i should tell him ive stopped taking the tablets as last time i mentioned i wanted to come off i was told if i did that then there'd be nothing more they could do  :S: 

Same again today went in for 2 hours i hate it makes me more paranoid

----------


## Suzi

Hold on, if you've stopped the meds and you're still sweating then it's not the meds making you sweat is it?

----------


## john82

> Hold on, if you've stopped the meds and you're still sweating then it's not the meds making you sweat is it?


I'm putting it down to withdrawl it never used to happen before i started taking AD's, worrying thing is the side effects can last weeks,months etc i was hoping once i stopped taking the tabs it would stop then i defiantly knew it was because of the meds also doesnt help that ive been on 7 different types which has probably messed my body up for a long time

----------


## Paula

How long has it been since you stopped the meds?

----------


## john82

> How long has it been since you stopped the meds?


Stopped venlafaxine on the 5th I then got new tabs 
Lofepramine and I was supposed to take 2 a day but started on 1 then began to half them haven't taken a tab since roughly last weds.

I really hope it's due to the tabs as it's really getting me down now feel good for going to work but feel so down worrying the side effects will go away.Also worried that now I'm back work will start to push my hours up they've been great so far so it's probably me just thinking the worse

----------


## Suzi

You've not really tried the lofepramine at all, so you don't know if it would have the same issues that you're worried about...

----------


## john82

> You've not really tried the lofepramine at all, so you don't know if it would have the same issues that you're worried about...


I know but at that point I'd had enough,the withdrawal from venlafaxine was the tipping point that's when I realised how bad my body had got. I'm sick of changing meds and how rubbish they make me feel for a week or two only to be changed again 6 weeks later.

----------


## Suzi

It isn't always like that though. I know it can be a struggle to find the right one for you, but it can make so much difference. But I really think whatever you decide you should be honest with your GP.

----------

Strugglingmum (22-08-19)

----------


## magie06

I've been on various anti-d's over the years. I've had ect, and been hospitalised more than once since my diagnosis. Over perspiring is a side effect that I suffer from, but I would much rather put up with that than have to be in hospital again. 
Today, I was in an amusement arcade, and the temperature didn't get over 15 degrees all day. I could literally wring out my tee shirt while I was in the bathroom, just from walking around and playing a few games. My hair was dripping wet and I was really uncomfortable. But I did it, had a shower and changed my clothes when I got home. It was worth it, and far better than the alternative.

----------

john82 (22-08-19),Strugglingmum (22-08-19),Suzi (22-08-19)

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## Suzi

I'm the same as you Magie.....

----------


## Paula

Hunni, everybody struggles with venlafaxine withdrawal - regardless of how long theyve been on it or how many other meds theyve been on. Its a horrible drug to come off and has nothing to do with how many ADs youve been on over the years.

I will say, though, that 6 weeks is not normally considered long enough to allow an AD to start helping ....

----------


## john82

Little update i've been off Ad's for over 3 weeks and surprise surprise the sweating has stopped  :(smirk):   :(party):  only trouble is my moods suffering (no surprise) 

Saw the Mental health practitioner today where i mentioned since coming off the AD's the side effects have stopped to which he had no answer  :(think): 

I've since had an appointment come through to see a psychiatrist who will assess me.

I've been back work 3 weeks now although ive had a few days which were a struggle trying to stay positive but im a little anxious about the meeting and assessment now

----------


## Suzi

Glad the sweating has stopped. When is the appointment for the psych? 
Overall, how is work going?

----------


## john82

Been a while thought I'd write an update.

My appointment isn't until December not sure what to expect, I'm a little nervous mainly cause I don't want to be back in that position it's been tough the last 2 weeks it's as if I can feel I'm struggling and my moods going downwards again constantly trying to remain positive etc.

I'm not on any meds at the mo I was taking cbd oil but I went away for a week and left them at home so I'm trying to restart that. 

Works been good although ive been off for a week and I'm trying to get my mind back into work but it's really hard, don't feel like doing anything. 

Hope you've all been okay

----------

OldMike (19-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

Lovely to see you. How come you've been off for a week?

----------


## john82

> Lovely to see you. How come you've been off for a week?


We went away for a week in Wales.

----------


## Suzi

OO I love Wales.

----------


## john82

Had a meeting with a psychiatrist the other day all he can offer me as i told him i was still mainly struggling with my moods being up & low was the following 

Agomelatine (which worrys me as i need liver test every so often)

Vortioxetine 

and for anxiety 

Buspirone 

I'm very anxious about going bk on the meds due to the side effects i was getting.Hes assured me these wouldnt cause the same side effects and they'd be no problem coming off the meds if they didn't agree ???

----------


## Suzi

We've had a fair few members on those or some of those. They do seem to help.

----------


## Paula

Buspirone is very effective for anxiety

----------


## john82

Yeah I've been looking into them the only thing that puts me off is the people saying it's causes weight gain.

I seem to be struggling alot at the moment with work issues with my pay and esa stopping my money due to work etc. Spoke to my boss today he said I'm v lucky as I should be back up to working full time hours by now which hasn't helped.

----------


## Paula

Charming, and possibly an illegal thing to say under disability regulations?? Yes, buspirone causes weight gain but, for me, it meant I could cope better with life. And that was far more important for me.

----------


## Suzi

I think you should talk to your union about comments like that!

----------


## john82

Union won't do anything plus he's my line manager so I need to stay friendly or he'll make work hell,plus they've been overpaying me for months which I'm still trying to sort out.

The guy I saw the other day told me not to increase my hours as I was struggling, but my esa was due to run out in Jan and I don't think I qualify for anymore support so I'm stuck atm. 

I'm open to going back on meds but nothing which I'd become dependent on as it was horrible withdrawing last time.

----------


## Suzi

You can always reapply for ESA?

----------


## john82

I didn't think you got it past 12 months? I'm sure they'll be some reason I don't qualify partner working full time etc

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## Paula

There are different types of esa - one is income related and one is support based. Ive been on support based for years, my husband works full time and I wouldnt be eligible for income based. Talk to someone (eg citizens advice), hun, and figure out what you can do

----------

Suzi (22-12-19)

----------


## john82

> There are different types of esa - one is income related and one is support based. I’ve been on support based for years, my husband works full time and I wouldn’t be eligible for income based. Talk to someone (eg citizens advice), hun, and figure out what you can do


Ive got a meeting with the job centre soon as the esa I was on ends soon. 

Another horrible night at work got pulled in the office questioned about when I'm upping my hours as I cant stay on 3.5 a day.,we've bent over backwards to help you we could have sacked you for being off for so long etc. We'll have a chat about your hours in January. I was so annoyed felt sick all evening afterwards I know I need to up my hours the reason there low is because I'm struggling told them this and the consultant physiatrist advised me not to increase them.

My heads all over the place at the moment

----------


## Suzi

You know that's not actually allowed to put pressure on you....

----------


## john82

> You know that's not actually allowed to put pressure on you....


Apparently

----------


## Suzi

I really think you should get some advice on this...

----------


## john82

> I really think you should get some advice on this...


I know but unsure who to ask there is a union at work but if I involve them it'll just get there backs up more

----------


## Paula

Citizens advice will help

----------


## Suzi

You are entitled to union support. They should be able to support you totally with this.

----------


## john82

Thanks I'm going to give them a call.

I'm hoping the doctors is open 2mos as I'm really struggling atm heads all over the place constantly feeling sick with worry.

----------


## john82

I've got daft thoughts in my head again just been out walking my dog wishing I could just disappear

----------


## Paula

Breathe, hunni. Is there anyone who could sit with you and just talk for a while tonight? Could you call the Samaritans?

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## Mira

I think Paula made some good suggestions. Maybe you could contact somebody. Being alone is not the best right now.

----------


## john82

I'm with my girlfriend at the moment but struggle to talk to her.

I've calmed down a bit I'm definitely going to call the doctors tomorrow if it's open. 

I really don't feel like going into work but worried if I call in sick it'll be a perfect excuse to get rid of me.

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## Suzi

Don't forget helplines like Samaritans, Calm, Shout are all there to help... Talk to her love. Tell her how you are feeling.

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## john82

4 days in taking vortioxetine 10mg no side effects yet  :(y): , feeling sick everyday still, as soon as I think about work I feel sick and it wakes me up in the morning straight away worrying.

Still feeling really low probably the lowest I've felt, I don't feel like doing anything again, dreading work again on Tuesday going to knock my hours down as I'm struggling until hopefully the tabs kick in, will see what work have to say about it.

I've got to make a follow up appointment with the doctors.

----------


## Suzi

It's still early days with the change of dose lovely... 
Are you able to explain what it is about work that you are dreading?

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## Paula

Its very early days, hun, though I know it feels like forever when all you want is for _these_ drugs to work......

----------


## john82

> It's still early days with the change of dose lovely... 
> Are you able to explain what it is about work that you are dreading?


I don't know probably how I was spoken to before Christmas which has upset me, I'm waiting on a call back from a union rep. 

Also they keep asking if I want to stay on days or go back on nights etc I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed by it all about what decision I should make and if it'll be the right one. 

I ended up calling validium on Christmas day as I should be able to get that through work again hoping that helps. 

I can't seem to control what's going on at the moment and how I'm feeling which is scaring me

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## Mira

Hi, I get the feeling there is a lot of doubt in your words. And maybe a bit of loss of direction? What does your girlfriend think? I do hope you managed to open up a bit to her.

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## john82

> Hi, I get the feeling there is a lot of doubt in your words. And maybe a bit of loss of direction? What does your girlfriend think? I do hope you managed to open up a bit to her.


Ive not spoken to her tbh she knows I'm struggling I'm not really talking to anyone at the moment, I know it's not good I'm starting to isolate myself again. 

I can't seem to make decisions anymore overthink everything and then constantly worry if I'm doing the right thing. 

I wanted to try nights again or maybe that's because I want it to go back to how it was before all this seem to overwhelm me. It's where most of my friends are although they all seem to be leaving and moving on and I'm worried I'm going to be stuck there panacking as I'm the only one who doesn't seem to have a plan on what to do.

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## john82

The other things that's really bothered me is my manager who I've always considered a close friend and somebody I could trust went behind my back last week when I was telling him how I don't feel as though I've been supported enough from work, had no meetings, follow ups nothing, no actual rehab plan and that I was having to do all the chasing regarding my pay being wrong.

That's hurt me the most tbh

----------


## Mira

I have a lot of experience with isolating myself. And its horrible. I do hope you can try to talk to your girlfriend about it. You do not have to go all in right away. Maybe a small amount? Thats what I do with family. When they ask me about it I do tell a little bit but not everything. It can overwhelm them and it tends to turn a conversation into silence. 
Then again I am sure your girlfriend is on your side and wants to help. And sharing with someone how you are doing shows how much you care about them. And that alone is a great reason to try.

What a shame of the manager. You have seen how he is now and its such a shame. But it is a learning experience. I would be gutted so I can relate to how it would make you feel.

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## john82

> I have a lot of experience with isolating myself. And its horrible. I do hope you can try to talk to your girlfriend about it. You do not have to go all in right away. Maybe a small amount? Thats what I do with family. When they ask me about it I do tell a little bit but not everything. It can overwhelm them and it tends to turn a conversation into silence. 
> Then again I am sure your girlfriend is on your side and wants to help. And sharing with someone how you are doing shows how much you care about them. And that alone is a great reason to try.
> 
> What a shame of the manager. You have seen how he is now and its such a shame. But it is a learning experience. I would be gutted so I can relate to how it would make you feel.


I really don't feel like going into work but I know I have to otherwise it'll set me back further so I'm trying to stay positive. I get the feeling people at work don't know what to say to me and like you said I don't know where to start.

I told my partner and mum that I was struggling the other day and went straight to the doctors so that's another positive. I'm just worried what work will say when I tell them I've had a knock back, which in my opinion is down to them, not paying me correctly for 4 months adding extra stress etc and all they say is I shouldn't be worrying about the money I'm loosing from the esa I should be concentrating on my health as that's a priority  :@:

----------


## Paula

Your health is the priority but that doesnt take away all the stress that goes along with it. As for going to nights, its pretty much accepted that working nights can have a detrimental effect on mental health, particularly depression (https://www.sleepfoundation.org/shif...-work-disorder) - so it may not be the right time?

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## john82

> Your health is the priority but that doesn’t take away all the stress that goes along with it. As for going to nights, it’s pretty much accepted that working nights can have a detrimental effect on mental health, particularly depression (https://www.sleepfoundation.org/shif...-work-disorder) - so it may not be the right time?


No I agree my plan was to build up my hours on days to where I felt I would give it ago.

I've got them pressuring me as I've almost all my holiday still to take but I've not been able to take it due to the esa payments. 

Then there saying as I'm only working 14 hrs I'm not accruing enough holiday for next year

----------


## Suzi

Why aren't you talking to your GF about how you are feeling?

----------


## john82

> Why aren't you talking to your GF about how you are feeling?


I don't know where to start and half the time I don't think she's interested

----------


## john82

I think we're both as bad as each other tbh.

I've never really opened up since my last serious relationship which ended badly and how hurt I got, now I just think its easier to not show much emotion anymore

----------


## Suzi

But then aren't you living a half relationship?  I can't imagine being in a relationship where I wasn't able to say what was going on for me or how I was feeling.... And I'd hate it the other way round.

----------


## Paula

I made that mistake, and wed been married for years, with kids. I thought I was making things easier on my husband by not being open with him but it turns out him trying to guess how I was feeling and what I was thinking was way, way harder for him. That behaviour from me brought us the closest weve ever come to losing each other. Ironically, I thought our marriage was over because he didnt understand me .....

----------

Suzi (30-12-19)

----------


## john82

> But then aren't you living a half relationship?  I can't imagine being in a relationship where I wasn't able to say what was going on for me or how I was feeling.... And I'd hate it the other way round.


It's been like this for years, half the time I don't think she's interested.

----------


## Suzi

But if you don't ask her, how do you know? I've been convinced my husband isn't interested in me, but when we've talked about it then it's turned out nothing of the sort....

----------


## john82

> But if you don't ask her, how do you know? I've been convinced my husband isn't interested in me, but when we've talked about it then it's turned out nothing of the sort....


Tbh I don't know what to say to her she knows I'm down at the moment just would be nice if she asked how I was feeling and offered some reassurances. 

Supposed to be going down to my sisters tonight with the family for a meal but I really don't feel like going at the moment, just had my parents round for a cuppa and I hardly spoke to them

----------


## john82

I'm stressing about work 2mos and who I should even talk to about lowering my hours for now as the lady who was dealing with my rehab works lates so I never see her & I can't speak to my boss at the moment due to what he did last week + need to tell them I'm back on medication. I'm just worried how they'll react. 

I've booked in to see the mental health practitioner for Friday at my doctors.

----------


## Mira

When I was in therapy one thing that came up was that I should not look at other people for what I need. As you know we are not mind readers. So if you need something from your girlfriend or your family please just ask them or talk to them about it. After I told my family how I was doing there was a bit more understanding and they tried to help. Even if it is hard. It will help.

----------

Paula (30-12-19),Suzi (30-12-19)

----------


## Mira

> I'm stressing about work 2mos and who I should even talk to about lowering my hours for now as the lady who was dealing with my rehab works lates so I never see her & I can't speak to my boss at the moment due to what he did last week + need to tell them I'm back on medication. I'm just worried how they'll react. 
> 
> I've booked in to see the mental health practitioner for Friday at my doctors.


Seems to me that you worry about a lot of people around you and how they will react. This is something I am doing all the time as well. And eventhough I myself can not stop it at the moment I do know its not good for me and not for you. You are in a vulnerable state at the moment. And that means taking care of number 1. That is you. So try to look at yourself and what you need. Try to not think about others and what they think or how they will react. You do not know how they will react. 

Is it possible to send the lady thats dealing with that an email? Or give her a call?

----------


## john82

> When I was in therapy one thing that came up was that I should not look at other people for what I need. As you know we are not mind readers. So if you need something from your girlfriend or your family please just ask them or talk to them about it. After I told my family how I was doing there was a bit more understanding and they tried to help. Even if it is hard. It will help.


Thing is I don't think there's much they can do, mainly me stressing about work etc. I know there concerned, thing is I don't think any of my family know what to do. 

All I can tell them is that I'm struggling badly atm feels like I just want to cry but then I'm thinking am I just looking for sympathy?? 


I just want to get back to normal and get back on track at the moment it definitely feels like I'm going backwards again and I don't know what to do to get out of it.

I've got my parterns parents coming round 2mos for dinner. I know her mums concerned about me as she's messaged and noticed it boxing day

----------


## john82

I'll go to work tomorrow and laugh and joke with my friends but I try and talk to them about how I feel and they just don't get it or don't know what to say anymore.

----------


## Mira

> Thing is I don't think there's much they can do, mainly me stressing about work etc. I know there concerned, thing is I don't think any of my family know what to do. 
> 
> All I can tell them is that I'm struggling badly atm feels like I just want to cry but then I'm thinking am I just looking for sympathy?? 
> 
> 
> I just want to get back to normal and get back on track at the moment it definitely feels like I'm going backwards again and I don't know what to do to get out of it.
> 
> I've got my parterns parents coming round 2mos for dinner. I know her mums concerned about me as she's messaged and noticed it boxing day


You are right. They can not fix how you are feeling or take it away. But my family try to comfort me a little more. Send a text every now and then. For me its the little things that count. You are struggling at the moment and you feel like crying. That sounds like a good time for some sympathy. And there is nothing wrong with that. I tend to think its worth encouraging. 

I know you want to get back to normal. But it might need some out of the box thinking. And you can not do it alone. You might need help from the people around you.

----------

Paula (30-12-19)

----------


## Mira

> I'll go to work tomorrow and laugh and joke with my friends but I try and talk to them about how I feel and they just don't get it or don't know what to say anymore.


I have that with my best friend. When I tell him how I am doing he does not know what to do or say. I can see it on his face. But he listens and tries. And that means the world to me. And that is what a friend is to me.

----------


## Paula

Youre not looking for sympathy, youre looking for support. There is a mountain of difference between the two. And it isnt about them knowing what to do, its about you not shutting out the people who love you and letting them take some of the load. You are doing this alone, and you dont have to. In fact, it just makes it a thousand times harder for you to deal with

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john82 (30-12-19)

----------


## john82

> You’re not looking for sympathy, you’re looking for support. There is a mountain of difference between the two. And it isn’t about them knowing what to do, it’s about you not shutting out the people who love you and letting them take some of the load. You are doing this alone, and you don’t have to. In fact, it just makes it a thousand times harder for you to deal with


The thing is I've no idea why I'm feeling like this, ended up going doc's as I'd struggled with my mood for years and now it feels like I've opened Pandora's box and can't shut it

----------


## Suzi

Are you seeing a therapist at the moment? Could you request to be put on the waiting list or bring an appointment first....

----------


## john82

> Are you seeing a therapist at the moment? Could you request to be put on the waiting list or bring an appointment first....


No I'm not seeing anyone at the moment I've been fine just the past month has worn me down, chasing work with my pay loosing esa etc.

I'm seeing the mental health practitioner this Friday so I'll mention it to him. I saw a consultant psychiatrist 2 weeks ago and he mentioned advanced cbt but admitted it could take 12 months before I'm seen.

I also called validium on Christmas day and I should be able to see somebody for 6 sessions but I'm waiting for a call back.

----------


## Suzi

I don't understand why you lost your ESA? Have you claimed PiP?

----------


## john82

> I don't understand why you lost your ESA? Have you claimed PiP?


Ive lost my ESA due to work paying me wrong for 4 months, ever since I've gone back. I informed the ESA that they kept overpaying me by alot, as I was getting worried.I had a missed call from an unknown number one day then the next payment date nothing and I've been trying to sort it out ever since. 

This is what's caused me all the stress work aren't interested there's no hr anymore. I've since had a letter from work my timecard and wage slips which have been sent off to the DWP which took me ages to chase.

I've got all this extra money sat in a different account which I've been trying to pay back for over 3 months. 

Work have also been paying me every minute even though nobody else gets paid if they clock in 10 mins early and stay an extra 8 mins it gets rounded down or up. They then denied I'd told them I was limited to 14 hours a week as I didn't want to lose the ESA payment u til I felt ready. They've basically called me a liar and denied all knowledge, even tho I have WhatsApp messages to my manager telling him from November. 
Nobody at work is interested, had no monthly meetings I've basically been upping my hours myself. 

As you can tell I'm really annoyed and feel let down by work & they'll most likely have a go tomorrow when I tell them I'm dropping my hours as I'm struggling to cope at the minute.

With the work paying me every minute it's pushed me over the 14 hours I'm allowed to work

I was coping fine until all this pay issue I kept telling them it was pushing/stressing me. Its basically been driving me mad for the past few months having to spend hours on the phone chasing people

And yet I'm supposed to be greatful for them not sacking me, I wish they had at the moment all the stress they've caused.

I'm unsure how it's best to approach them tomorrow with me telling them I need to drop my hours

----------


## Suzi

First of all you need to go and get your esa reinstated - get an appointment with a disability advisor at the jobcentre and show them the messages - print them out if you can. 

Then send in an email if you feel more comfortable telling them that you need to cut your hours back as you are feeling that you are not coping with the increased hours and with side effects to a new medication regime.

----------


## john82

> First of all you need to go and get your esa reinstated - get an appointment with a disability advisor at the jobcentre and show them the messages - print them out if you can. 
> 
> Then send in an email if you feel more comfortable telling them that you need to cut your hours back as you are feeling that you are not coping with the increased hours and with side effects to a new medication regime.


Sorry about that. 

Yes I've sent them all the documents last Monday they scanned them at the job centre now it's just a cause of waiting. It worries me as I've been over my hours due to the little minutes here and there that I wasn't aware of.

Thing is I already feel worthless for only doing 3 & 1/2 hrs a day as it is, which was also mentioned to me the other week

Its due to run out in January anyway and I don't think I'll be eligible to claim anything else.

----------


## OldMike

It seems unusual that you are paid by the minute when no one else there is paid that way, as you say it is causing unnecessary stress.

----------


## john82

> It seems unusual that you are paid by the minute when no one else there is paid that way, as you say it is causing unnecessary stress.


Exactly my argument was I've worked here almost 18 years and never been paid like that. I think it's because they can't be bothered to keep a check on my hours. 

At work now nobody to talk to again so I'm doing 3 hrs then going home

----------


## Suzi

> Its due to run out in January anyway and I don't think I'll be eligible to claim anything else.


Why not? What about Pip? You can claim that whilst working too...

----------


## john82

> Why not? What about Pip? You can claim that whilst working too...


I don't know a lot about pip is it the same thing as ESA? which limits my hours? as i don't think work are going to let me continue on reduced hours.

Managed to find the duty manager but he was in a meeting with management so i just went home,told one of my friends the situation he said he'd pass it on so it'll be interesting if i get spoken to tomorrow or ignored again

----------


## Suzi

No, it's Personal Independence Payment.... It might pay you to go and see the CAB and get some trained advice?

----------


## Paula

Pip is a disability payment that has nothing to do with whether you are able to work. Its designed to compensate people with disabilities for the extra costs that entails. https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/be...nd-carers/pip/

Also, permitted work under ESA is 16 hours, not 14, although it is subject to earnings up to £131.50 https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/be...e-getting-esa/

Suzis right, and Im sure weve said it before, you need to go to Citizens Advice .....

----------

Suzi (31-12-19)

----------


## john82

> Pip is a disability payment that has nothing to do with whether you are able to work. It’s designed to compensate people with disabilities for the extra costs that entails. https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/be...nd-carers/pip/
> 
> Also, permitted work under ESA is 16 hours, not 14, although it is subject to earnings up to £131.50 https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/be...e-getting-esa/
> 
> Suzi’s right, and I’m sure we’ve said it before, you need to go to Citizens Advice .....


Thanks I've just told my partners parents about what's been going on and her mum advised me on pip, also had a call back from validium who want me to call them back Friday after I've seen the mental health practitioner.

----------


## Suzi

You can talk to your partners parents, but not your partner? Are they qualified in benefits at all?

----------


## john82

> You can talk to your partners parents, but not your partner? Are they qualified in benefits at all?


I know and she's sitting here whilst I'm telling them that's what it's like! 

No her mum mentioned looking into pip that was all

----------


## Suzi

So why don't you talk to her? I'd find it hurtful to feel you could talk to my parents, but not to me......

----------


## Paula

Suzis right, in a way its no wonder your partner doesnt get it. If youll talk to her parents but not her, immediately shes going to be on the defensive. Talk to her, lovely

----------

john82 (01-01-20)

----------


## john82

> So why don't you talk to her? I'd find it hurtful to feel you could talk to my parents, but not to me......


I Suppose it leads me back to getting hurt from the previous relationship ive always had my guard up ever since & now i find it difficult to talk to her + there's the fear shes probably thinking im going crazy at the moment.

Told work today about whats been going on didnt get much back from them at all waste of time really but ive let them know.Trying to keep to my hours as much as i can atm which is all i can do,woke up today it took me 30 mins to get myself out of bed to start getting ready for work.

Hope you all had a Happy new Year

----------


## Suzi

It's not fair to judge her by your ex.... I promise you whatever she's thinking is worse than how things actually are.  If you can't trust her to talk to her then what can you trust her with? 

What did you want work to say? It's not a waste of time to tell them what's going on lovely.

----------


## john82

> It's not fair to judge her by your ex.... I promise you whatever she's thinking is worse than how things actually are.  If you can't trust her to talk to her then what can you trust her with? 
> 
> What did you want work to say? It's not a waste of time to tell them what's going on lovely.


I know I just seem to be really needy at the moment. 

Called about pip today but it's a Bank hol so will try again tomorrow.

----------


## Suzi

Can you not apply online? 

Have you spoken to her yet?

----------


## john82

> Can you not apply online? 
> 
> Have you spoken to her yet?


No Its only via phone with an advisor or they send you paperwork.

She asked me how I was feeling earlier and moaned at me for not telling work I want to reduce my hours  :(think): .

She's going to her mums tomorrow so I've asked if I can come as I didn't want to be alone all afternoon.

----------


## Suzi

But did you tell her why you didn't tell work that?

----------


## Paula

Did she moan? Or did she just tell you that you need to talk to your work about this?

----------


## john82

> But did you tell her why you didn't tell work that?


Yep told her and told her my main aim at the moment is to just make it in.

Did another 3 hrs today felt like I had to stay as one of the guys phoned in sick and the other guys on his own. 

Raing about pip just waiting on the documents to be sent out now. 

Also had a message from the union If you join online you will have instant cover.  All new members have a 4 week qualifying period to wait to be able to get representation but all new members can receive advice.

 All new members joining Unite with an existing work issue can receive advice, but would not be able to receive representation.

 So that is a waste of time.

Girlfriends mum said I should get occupational health involved.

----------


## Paula

Its not a waste of time - advice is something you need right now

----------


## Suzi

Definitely not a waste of time! Call them and get some proper advice love.

----------


## john82

I'll give them a call tomorrow.

Just found out the guy I've been working with the last 2 days tried to end it last night.

----------


## Paula

Im so sorry, love, thats something so hard to deal with when youre struggling yourself  :(bear):

----------


## Suzi

That is hard when things are tough for you too....

----------


## john82

So I went to see the mental health practitioner today and asked for what he could offer me now. He couldn't offer anything well he said he didn't want to I volve the crisis team yet as he thinks that would just make my anxiety worse, he's put me on buspirone for the anxiety and told me to take as and when needed but warned me about a small chance of serotonin syndrome.

I'm seeing him again in 2 weeks.

Finding it really hard to get up in the mornings at the moment.

----------


## Paula

Buspirone is good - and while he did need to give you the warning, and were all different, I was on 2 ads and lithium with buspirone and was fine.

----------

john82 (04-01-20)

----------


## Suzi

I've been on 2 anti depressants for a while and it didn't have that effect on me. Just be aware that it is a very small chance. They have to give you warnings like that.... We've had quite a few members on it and it seems to have been good for most of them.

----------

john82 (04-01-20)

----------


## john82

Well that was a waste of time just been to the pharmacy to pick the buspirone up and they've no prescription or message and there's nothing I can do until monday

----------


## Suzi

OK, an annoyance, but it'll be sorted on Monday. Try not to let it upset you this weekend...

----------


## john82

My anxiety is sky high atm hoping these tablets start to kick in soon.

Had a text from the ESA they've received my documents and will get back to me in 14 days so fingers crossed

Had a tough day today only managed just over 2 hours

----------


## Suzi

Well done for sorting the ESA - did you get help with it? 
Remind me, how long have you been on them? 
Have you spoken to your Wife at all yet?

----------


## Paula

But you did manage 2 hours, you could have not gone in at all ....

----------


## john82

> Well done for sorting the ESA - did you get help with it? 
> Remind me, how long have you been on them? 
> Have you spoken to your Wife at all yet?


I managed to sort the ESA tbh that's probably what's sent me backwards as it's stressed me out so much,work gave me a letter explaining they'd messed up my wages for the past 4 mo this and it was being looked into, I then got my clocking in sheets printed off which show I've not gone over my hours and printed off my wage slips I just hope it gets corrected. It took many phone calls and hassling to get all that work have been useless. 

I've been on them since Christmas Eve and started taking Buspirone since Monday but my anxiety is sky high at the moment.

My girlfriend knows I've told her I'm struggling to get out of bed in the morning as I don't see the point and that I'm forcing myself atm. It's hard trying to stay normal at work and trying to blend in, I've had a few people say I've. Not been myself the past few weeks and have told them I'm struggling.




> But you did manage 2 hours, you could have not gone in at all ....


I know but it's the constant worry with work & if they see it like that, it never goes away.

I've still got 5&half weeks hol to take before March but they won't let me book it as I'm on rehab hours, they want me to book 8-9 hour days but then it takes me over what I'm allowed to do for the ESA which Is currently being reviewed.

----------


## Suzi

Are you waiting to hear about the ESA? 
Unfortunately it takes around 4 -8 weeks for anti depressants to get into your system and then the same for each time you change dose etc. I know it's hard, but you need to be patient. If you are really struggling re the busiprozone then do go back and see your GP and talk to them about it and how you are feeling.

----------


## john82

> Are you waiting to hear about the ESA? 
> Unfortunately it takes around 4 -8 weeks for anti depressants to get into your system and then the same for each time you change dose etc. I know it's hard, but you need to be patient. If you are really struggling re the busiprozone then do go back and see your GP and talk to them about it and how you are feeling.


I got a text message last Friday saying they've received all the information they needed and a decision will be made within 14 days. 

I know I'm struggling just trying to get through the day and waiting for these tabs to kick in.

----------


## Suzi

Glad that they've got everything now. 
Talk to your wife lovely....

----------


## john82

> Glad that they've got everything now. 
> Talk to your wife lovely....


Didn't get round the posting last night as been spending more time with partner round her parents house, I got a call from the dwp and they've reinstated my ESA so I should get it backdated hopefully so that's a relief. 

I've moved my appointment forward with the job centre as my ESA was due to end so hopefully I can find out what happens next as I need to work out how to use my work holiday as well with the ESA. 

Moods still low but no side effects from the tablets so that's another positive as I had side effects with everyother ones I've tried

----------


## Paula

Im so glad youre spending more time with your partner, and well done for resolving the ESA stuff

----------


## Suzi

That's all really positive..

----------


## john82

Went to the job centre today my ESA is ending on the 19th, he's sending me to be reassessed as I said I think I've got worse, so that means another assessment surely If I've the same problem anxiety and depression they'll just say it hasn't got worse?

----------


## Paula

What reason did they give for ending it?

----------


## john82

> What reason did they give for ending it?


I was in the work support group so I only got it for 12 months its set my anxiety off now as I'm panicking.

If I lose the ESA payment I have no choice but to up my hours at work but at the moment I'm struggling to even go in since Christmas. 

Advisor was nice he mentioned getting occupational health involved as I told him what had been going on but I don't want to get them involved if it makes things harder/worse for me at work. He also mentioned leaving but my dear with leaving the job is that's the only place I've ever worked and I can see myself not leaving the house and shutting down if I've no work. 

Got so much going through my head at the moment I'm not eating at the moment my GF makes me a meal at night as I'm not interested and it feels like I need to suffer

----------


## Suzi

I wasn't aware there was a time limit on the support group - My husband's been in it for longer than a year.... 
Why do you think you "need to suffer" so aren't eating? Have you told your wife what is going on? Are you eating what she cooks for you?

----------


## john82

> I wasn't aware there was a time limit on the support group - My husband's been in it for longer than a year.... 
> Why do you think you "need to suffer" so aren't eating? Have you told your wife what is going on? Are you eating what she cooks for you?


Yes she knows I'm just eating 1 meal at night that she cooks tbh I'm not interested in eating or taking care of myself at the moment my mood has improved a little. 

I've work again tomorrow so all the stress and worry begins again.

----------


## Suzi

Glad that your mood has improved a little. That's a good thing. 
Hope work goes OK today.

----------


## Paula

Thinking of you today  :(bear):

----------


## john82

> Glad that your mood has improved a little. That's a good thing. 
> Hope work goes OK today.


Work went ok the hardest part is getting out of bed & all the worrying about getting there and what its going to be like.

Im trying to fill a pip form in so asked the doctors to print off my medical summary but they've refused

----------


## Suzi

Can you not complete it without the summary?

----------


## john82

> Can you not complete it without the summary?


Yes but it helps if I send in evidence.

----------


## Paula

Normally theyll say not to worry about evidence as theyll obtain it from the medical professionals anyway

----------


## Suzi

Letters count, prescriptions count  :O:

----------


## john82

> Letters count, prescriptions count


Ive managed to sort an online account out at my doctors which gives me the past 12 months I've requested a full summary so I'll wait and see if they agree again.

I've no appointment letters as I just get a text message from the doctors, I didnt keep the wellbeing letters as didn't think I'd ever need them.

----------


## Suzi

Were they just appointment letters or clinic write up type letters...

----------


## john82

> Were they just appointment letters or clinic write up type letters...


Ive one appointment letter from the doctors that was requesting a follow up from Christmas eve. I've text messages still from all my appointments. 

I've requested my full medical record but it was rejected again today by the surgery surely I should have access to this? 

My partner filled in the esa form on the computer for me which were due to send off but I'm hoping they give me access to my records so I can print off the supporting documents and prescriptions

----------


## Suzi

Appointment letters don't count as evidence. Prescriptions do - but you can just scan in the boxes of your medication. Clinic letters count....  This is from the action for ME site, but it's a good basis.... 

https://www.actionforme.org.uk/uploa...ESA-claims.pdf

----------


## john82

> Appointment letters don't count as evidence. Prescriptions do - but you can just scan in the boxes of your medication. Clinic letters count....  This is from the action for ME site, but it's a good basis.... 
> 
> https://www.actionforme.org.uk/uploa...ESA-claims.pdf


Well I've called the doctors again and asked why they declined me access,there reviewing it tomorrow I told them I need it to help with ESA & pip and the print it at home. It sets my mind off thinking about what there hiding, etc I'm sure it's nothing just frustrating when I'm only trying to provide information which might help me

----------


## Paula

I doubt theyre trying to hide anything - its more likely, Id think, its a cost issue ......

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## Suzi

It's normally down to time, cost and GDPR - it's a 2 way street and they need written permission from each dr you've been seen by.... But as ESA And PIP contact them anyway, there really is no need to get your whole history and tbh I don't think it'll mean that much....

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john82 (16-01-20)

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## john82

I've wrote the doctors a letter requesting the information hopefully I can send it off at a later date to the ESA & PIP. 

nervous as I've work again tomorrow I'd rather just stay in and hide at the moment seems to be getting harder to go out again.

Seem to have picked up a bad habit again when I'm stressed I pull my hair out as I've not shaved for a while my beards all patchy as I'm constantly pulling bits out.

----------


## Suzi

When did you last see your dr? Could you go and talk to them about how you are feeling and this new symptom?

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## john82

> When did you last see your dr? Could you go and talk to them about how you are feeling and this new symptom?


Ive seen the metal health practitioner to day. I didn't know what to say just that I'm finding it hard fed up feeling like this all the time. 


I've told him about the hair pulling seems to be a stree release, I've trimmed my beard now to try and stop it,also about not eating as I feel like I need to suffer he said straight away I've lost weight (over a stone) there's not much he could do atm he's following up with the psychiatrist as I should be due to see him again in Feb.

He mentioned about upping my meds but that's down to the psychiatrist.

----------


## Paula

Can you get an earlier appointment with the psychiatrist?

----------


## Suzi

Absolutely see if you can see the psych earlier.

----------


## john82

My appointment should be the first week of Feb but as I've heard nothing he was going to chase it up.

Another positive is he's going to write me a letter which I can use for ESA & PIP not that I'm v confident I'll get it.

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you're getting that letter, hope it's all you need.

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john82 (22-01-20)

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## john82

Ive had an email from the doctors today got to ring for the password to download the pdf documents so hopefully there my records

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Paula (22-01-20)

----------


## Suzi

That's great!

----------


## john82

Thought I'd post an update.

Trying to get back into work still tough, not sleeping very well I'm waiting to see the psychiatrist again to review my meds. 

Work today basically told me I can't stay working 14 hours due to ESA and that I either sign a new Co tract only working 14 hours or up my hours to 6 and supplement with holiday. Don't really know what to do now I'm in the process of being reassessed for ESA.

I mentioned to work about getting occupational health involved but they said they wouldn't do anything as I'm not off sick.

----------


## Suzi

Then you have several options, but I'd suggest talking to CAB or ACAS or a union for help and proper advice..

----------


## john82

> Then you have several options, but I'd suggest talking to CAB or ACAS or a union for help and proper advice..


Thanks I'm just tired and really fed up wish I felt normal again and not different. It just sets all my anxiety off its like I'm going in circles.

----------


## Suzi

I think anyone with a chronic illness feels similar. It's really hard, but you have to get the proper advice.

----------


## john82

> I think anyone with a chronic illness feels similar. It's really hard, but you have to get the proper advice.


I sometimes think it'll just be easier to leave but then i think that i'll just go back to isolating myself again and it'd be 10x harder to start somewhere fresh with my anxiety etc. I've known this would be coming at some point i cant stay on 14 hours forever just wish it didn't make me feel so worthless.

----------


## Paula

Youre not worthless, and none of us should value ourselves purely on our job. I do get it, I havent been able to work since 2007 (although I do some voluntary work) and its hard to accept that something thats been a huge part of our adult lives is potentially changing, but a job is just a job

----------


## Suzi

I completely agree with Paula. It's highly unlikely that I'll be well enough to go into paid employment anytime soon (if ever) so I do voluntary work instead which helps my self esteem, makes me feel I am giving something back itms? A job is a job. Your health and welfare is much, much more important that that!

----------


## john82

I understand but we've not long bought a house and we've a mortgage to pay so I'm constantly worrying about that I hate spending money and I'm constantly saving worrying about things so that's what's been supplementing me but I'm aware it won't last forever and I'm worried if I leave I won't want to go out.

Work stressed that they've done everything they can but I'm struggling to understand why after accepting I need routine there trying to change my days from Tues-Friday to Wednesday - Saturday which has had me worrying all weekend. It means my dog will be alone all day Saturday as I can't get anyone to look after her (I'm aware this sounds silly, but I worry) our usual dog walker doesn't do Saturdays and 2 others I've tried said the same. 

I've wrote down what hours I can do and I'm willing to try and Increase them I'd like to stay on my current days as I've worked them for 18 years.

I've managed to keep busy all weekend but now I can feel the anxiety building and it's driving me mad, I don't feel like eating as I'm feeling constantly sick. 

I'm going to try and call acas and citizens advice but I'm wary of pushing work too much. 

Sorry for the long post hoping it helps with writing everything down

----------


## Suzi

Never apologise for writing a long post, you don't need to. You are right, getting everything out of your head is a positive thing. 
Have you asked them why they are changing your shift pattern?

----------


## john82

> Never apologise for writing a long post, you don't need to. You are right, getting everything out of your head is a positive thing. 
> Have you asked them why they are changing your shift pattern?


No ill try and ask them tomorrow that's if I don't put it off. 

I'm happy to try and increase my hours but I'd like to stay on the days I work as they work for me. My partners off Thurs & Friday and my mum can come over Wednesday if I do late night Tuesday that's me not having to worry about the dog

----------


## Suzi

All you can do is ask lovely...

----------


## john82

April update

My anxiety is sky high at the moment with all this virus talk so much so I've stopped reading the news as it's just making me worse. I'd just got back into work as well now I'm back to not wanting to go until this virus has calmed down as I'm really anxious at work (supermarket) 

I'd been getting on well back to normal hours at work now that was until my partner got ill so I've had to isolate with her, which has set me back. 

Hope everyone's ok

----------


## Suzi

Oh no! Your poor partner! Does she have covid 19? 
I think everyone is worried about it and that it's raised so many peoples' anxiety. I think that limiting the amount of news/media is really sensible. Are you still taking the meds? You'd obviously been doing really well to have got back to work for a while...

----------


## john82

> Oh no! Your poor partner! Does she have covid 19? 
> I think everyone is worried about it and that it's raised so many peoples' anxiety. I think that limiting the amount of news/media is really sensible. Are you still taking the meds? You'd obviously been doing really well to have got back to work for a while...


She's just got symptoms high temp, aching and upset tummy. 

Tbh the last week it's started to get on top of me a little and I've stopped taking my meds I missed 3 days but forced myself to take them last night.

I didn't have much choice with work it was either increase your hours or leave. 

Had my pip assessment last Monday over the telephone and have been chasing ESA as I'm hoping I can be put in the support group which means I can drop my hours and concentrate on getting my head sorted.

----------


## Suzi

Missing your meds is throwing yourself into withdrawal. Now is definitely not the time to be messing around with them. Thing is it'll take time for them to get back to the right levels again. 

I'm glad you had your PiP assessment, when are you expecting your ESA one?

----------


## john82

> Missing your meds is throwing yourself into withdrawal. Now is definitely not the time to be messing around with them. Thing is it'll take time for them to get back to the right levels again. 
> 
> I'm glad you had your PiP assessment, when are you expecting your ESA one?


I'm not sure with the ESA as they've been messing me around closing my claim then reopening it again I've been waiting since January it's added stress tbh.

----------


## Suzi

I don't understand why you're claiming ESA while you are working (usually, not virus related) if you are working over 16 hours a week and/or earning more than £140. As you are working more than that I'm pretty sure you aren't eligible for it.... Hence why the claim keeps being closed

----------

Stella180 (14-04-20)

----------


## Stella180

ESA is for people who are unfit for work on medical grounds and as you are able to work and have a job you aren’t eligible.

----------


## john82

I'm trying to be moved into the other ESA group which allows permitted work up to 16hrs so then I can reduce my hours at work,also I'm trying to back claim since Jan

----------


## john82

I must add that it was the DWP who suggested I be moved into the support group back in Jan due to my mental health getting worse.

The claim was closed in error my doctor has also sent in a letter as support. 

Obviously if I am successful it means I'll have to work less which takes the pressure off me it's just taken them so long due to all the mistakes they've made

----------


## Suzi

But you are working more than 16 hours on a regular basis. That means you aren't eligible. It's designed for people who aren't able to work those hours....

----------


## john82

Nobody has mentioned this over the phone I've told them I had to increase my hours or I was going to loose my job as I've been waiting since the middle of January for them to sort it out,i couldn't get by earning under 14hrs with no support payments

----------


## Suzi

Hopefully I'm wrong then.... It's just I believe it to be for people who can't manage those hours because of illness, not for people who would like to cut back their hours for illness itms?

----------

Stella180 (15-04-20)

----------


## john82

Hi a little update need to write somewhere.

I've been off work since being ill in April and I'm curr9off unpaid due to what's going on it's sent my anxiety sky high I haven't left the house in almost 2 months. 

The sickness feeling and worrying is increasing daily thinking ill have to go back to work soon. It tends to make me not want to eat

I was awarded pip daily enhanced back in April and standard mobility.

----------


## Paula

Oh hunni, why didnt you talk to us sooner?  :Panda: . Why are you off unpaid? Were you not furloughed? Do you know if youll be going back soon?

----------


## john82

> Oh hunni, why didn’t you talk to us sooner? . Why are you off unpaid? Were you not furloughed? Do you know if you’ll be going back soon?


I know I probably should have messaged on here sooner I guess it's my way of dealing with things just shutting down everything. 

I worked the first few hectic weeks when everyone was panic buying but it got too much for my anxiety +my partner got ill so I had to self isolate then I got ill etc and decided I'd stay off until it calmed down as I was just getting more anxious & panicking. 

Our work isn't furloughing anyone (retail) I had the choice to put up with it or go off unpaid.

I got a message a week ago about having a wellness meeting before the end of June to discuss options about going back. The thing is it's impossible to work 2 meters a part in the warehouse where I work.

----------


## Suzi

I'm sorry you and your partner have been ill. I hope you've both recovered...
My nephew works for Tesco and they've been pretty well looked after. It's a good idea to talk to them and see what the options are. The wellness meeting sounds as if it might be able to help..

----------


## john82

> I'm sorry you and your partner have been ill. I hope you've both recovered...
> My nephew works for Tesco and they've been pretty well looked after. It's a good idea to talk to them and see what the options are. The wellness meeting sounds as if it might be able to help..


Thank you were both fine now just a little wary of mixing with lots of people again. 

I'll talk to them and see what the options are if any. 

I've got other issues with work that at the moment I can ignore but as soon as I'm back I suppose they'll bring up the overpayment from the last 2 years which just sends me back into a bit of a meltdown

----------


## Suzi

What about taking someone in with you?

----------


## john82

> What about taking someone in with you?


Well I'm hoping I don't have to go in as I'd rather stay off atm until this virus calms down. If I do my gf will hopefully come with me. 

Work are saying they overpaid me sickness pay to just under £4,000 since 2018 so I've got that hanging over my head.It doesn't add up I did contact ACAS who said I had a strong case as I was the one who pointed out the original overpayment and have had the money sat in a separate bank account waiting to pay it back. 

It just seems to be one thing after another with that place. Most of the time I wish I could just stay in my home and never have to go out

----------


## Suzi

Have you told your doctor and your partner how you are feeling? Are you in a union at all?

----------


## john82

> Have you told your doctor and your partner how you are feeling? Are you in a union at all?


My partner doesn't seem interested to busy working from home. 

No not told the doctors tbh there a waste of time they just increase my meds and that's it,no further help so what's the point I can only go up 5mg anyway. 

No I'm not in a union it's something I've been meaning to look into last time I spoke with them they said if it's already an ongoing issue they won't be able to help. 

I had a telephone appointment with citizens advice just before lock down but that got cancelled

----------


## Paula

Have you spoken to ACAS again? Asked what your next move should be. That might be one thing you can go into the meeting on solid footing itms?

----------


## john82

> Have you spoken to ACAS again? Asked what your next move should be. That might be one thing you can go into the meeting on solid footing itms?


I haven't spoken to them yet as work are still querying it my manager said it doesn't make sense and I printed out all my payslips etc which show things don't add up. 

The Inital overpayment was for 2 months which I kept telling them about which I put by ready to pay back they then had an accountant look into it and there saying they overpaid me sick pay going back to 2018.

I had no idea I'd been overpaid as theres no hr anymore at work and work didn't know until I raised it with the 2 recent overpayments. They want me to agree to a payment plan I'm happy to pay back the 2 months I highlighted which would be around £1200 but not almost £4,000 it never should have got to that. 

ACAS told me to call back when I know the exact figure they said raise a grievance and they'd advise but its more pressure and stuff I don't need.

I told my manager they should have just sacked me as for all the hassle I've had since going back to work not being supported, messed up my ESA payments which I then had to sort out I'd rather have just left.

----------


## Suzi

You need to be in a union. You can still ask advice. 
Have you actually said to your partner that you need to talk to them? Actually made a point of telling them?

----------


## john82

> You need to be in a union. You can still ask advice. 
> Have you actually said to your partner that you need to talk to them? Actually made a point of telling them?


Ive told her I'm not feeling great atm getting alot of intrusive thoughts. 

I'm going to book an appointment with the mental health practitioner tomorrow if i can,not sure exactly what he's can do to be honest.

----------


## Suzi

Are you on meds? Have a cpn/therapist?

----------


## john82

> Are you on meds? Have a cpn/therapist?


Yes I'm on my meds 15 mg atm I've been doubling up on buspirone as my anxiety is sky high atm. 

I haven't got a therapist or cpn, I'll just book to see the mental health practitioner at my doctors he's great but all we do is talk./prescribes meds and that's it he can't really do anything else it seems

----------


## Suzi

Is that what you were told to do with the buspirone? Could he refer you to the CMHT for more support?

----------


## john82

> Is that what you were told to do with the buspirone? Could he refer you to the CMHT for more support?


Yep he told me to up the dosage when I felt anxious I've gone up to 30mg a day atm,alongside the brintellix 15mg.

The only options I've had is being kept in but he didn't want to do that at Christmas as he thought it would stress me out more? Tbh I've done cbt about a year ago and that's it I stopped as I found it repetitive and the way I kept getting told it'll all be fine once you get back to work etc. It just felt like the person didn't get it and had no idea

----------


## Paula

Sounds like a sensible idea to book that appointment. If he suggests any other input/support, dont automatically say no. Just because it wasnt right the first time doesnt mean itll be the same again

----------


## Suzi

I can't agree strongly enough with Paula.

----------


## john82

I've booked in to see my practioner for Thursday.

Not I've got to answer the phone to my manager who keeps calling from work but I'm worried and scared as to what they'll say.

----------


## Suzi

They shouldn't be calling repeatedly. You are off sick, that stands. You should ask them not to call as it's making things worse.

----------


## john82

> They shouldn't be calling repeatedly. You are off sick, that stands. You should ask them not to call as it's making things worse.


I'm not off sick.

I was off sick for a few weeks when my gf was ill then i was ill but i think it was just a cold,i couldn't face going back due to worrying about leaving the house social distancing etc so i told them i wanted to take it as unpaid until it calmed down as work was stressing me out all the hassle etc from customers & managers plus i then got told the news about the pay being wrong.

I'm due to go back at the end of the month i think with the vulnerable people,i think there calling to let me know what happens but as usual i'm overthinking everything and worrying.

I did message my boss last week saying i was still off unpaid as nothing really changed but i fear there going to force me back.

I've just joined the unite union and im waiting for a callback

----------


## john82

I'm annoyed at myself as i knew this would happen but thought i was past it and could cope with going back whilst letting things calm down.

I don't think i've helped myself staying inside for almost 2 months.

----------


## Suzi

So what can you do to start helping yourself and doing things....

----------


## Paula

Can you take a short walk? Maybe both of you?

----------


## john82

> Can you take a short walk? Maybe both of you?


My girlfriend has gone to her mums house now so I'm on my own going to try and exercise in my garage to keep myself occupied

----------


## Suzi

Do you have a garden? Start by going out there?

----------


## Paula

However you do it, some fresh air might be good for you

----------


## john82

> Do you have a garden? Start by going out there?


I'm fine going in my garden I've been keeping myself busy doing bits around the garden I'm fine in my spaces. It's going outside of my house that scares me

----------


## Suzi

Then work up slowly. Go to the front door, open it. Close it walk away. Then next time take 1 step outside, then go in and build it up slowly. It does work.

----------


## Stella180

I was just about to suggest what Suzi said. Just go and stand by the door. You may feel anxious but don’t walk away. Stay there until the anxiety level drops. Adrenaline won’t last for ever and remember you are still safe in your own home. Then open the door again ride out the anxiety. Next maybe take a chair and sit outside my the door until you are less anxious. Then maybe go to the end of your driveway/garden gate. You can take these small steps at your own pace but try and challenge yourself a little and in time each step will get easier. It’s a technique I’ve used myself and although it hasn’t cared my anxiety it has stopped my irrational fears from controlling my life.

----------

Suzi (10-06-20)

----------


## john82

Thanks I'm sometimes fine better if I'm not on my own. I'm fine in my car etc for the past year or 2 I've literally been going to & from work and I started to get to the doctors on my own just used to dread the waiting room, so I'd arrive late hoping I'd go straight in.

Its got alot harder since lock down I seem to be back at square one again

----------


## Stella180

I get it John, a few years ago I couldn’t leave the house alone other than to go to work and then I would freak out when I arrived burst into tears, turn around and go home cos I couldn’t face it. I lost count of the times I’ve stressed out in a supermarket, dumped up trolley and just left cos I was so overwhelmed. I have loads of tips to help deal with it all. You can get your life back.

----------


## john82

> I get it John, a few years ago I couldn’t leave the house alone other than to go to work and then I would freak out when I arrived burst into tears, turn around and go home cos I couldn’t face it. I lost count of the times I’ve stressed out in a supermarket, dumped up trolley and just left cos I was so overwhelmed. I have loads of tips to help deal with it all. You can get your life back.


Experienced the same thing arrive at work then I end up sitting in the car for 10 mins trying to pluck up the courage to leave the car and walk in. 

I'm lucky my girlfriend does the grocery shopping last time I went I end up just sitting in the car waiting.

----------


## Suzi

Stella's right. It's very much about feeling the anxiety and riding it out. My husband had a brilliant psychotherapist who made him talk through his panic attacks..She made him describe how he was feeling then she said "and" so he described what happened next "and" all the way up 'till he passed out and an ambulance was called (has happened several times). Her last "and" confused him so she said "and? Well, it didn't kill you did it?" Which was very matter of fact and very much like his brain works. For him, we still hear "and" when things get tough lol..  As she explained it won't last forever and him passing out was like a restart of all the systems. It may not help you, but "and" has helped him go from someone who had to take a fairly high amount of diazepam to get outside the door and we had to have exit strategies in place for anything we did to someone who over lockdown has managed to go shopping on his own completely....

----------


## john82

> Stella's right. It's very much about feeling the anxiety and riding it out. My husband had a brilliant psychotherapist who made him talk through his panic attacks..She made him describe how he was feeling then she said "and" so he described what happened next "and" all the way up 'till he passed out and an ambulance was called (has happened several times). Her last "and" confused him so she said "and? Well, it didn't kill you did it?" Which was very matter of fact and very much like his brain works. For him, we still hear "and" when things get tough lol..  As she explained it won't last forever and him passing out was like a restart of all the systems. It may not help you, but "and" has helped him go from someone who had to take a fairly high amount of diazepam to get outside the door and we had to have exit strategies in place for anything we did to someone who over lockdown has managed to go shopping on his own completely....


Thanks for that.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry, are you being sarcastic? I was genuinely sharing something which helped my husband...

----------


## john82

> Sorry, are you being sarcastic? I was genuinely sharing something which helped my husband...


I'm sorry what?

----------


## Suzi

> Thanks for that.





> I'm sorry what?


I wasn't sure if your thanks was genuine or you being sarcastic because of the "and" thing...

----------


## john82

> I wasn't sure if your thanks was genuine or you being sarcastic because of the "and" thing...


I've no idea what you were thinking but no i thanked you for the advice.

Had my Dr's appointment with my mental health practitioner cancelled today that's 3 times now hes cancelled on me last minute booked another appointment for next week tbh i don't see the point i'm telling them i'm struggling and get offered nothing.

Had no call back from the union yet so that's bugging me & no call from work since monday.

----------


## Suzi

That's cool, it's just I live with sarcastic people who say "thanks for that" normally when I've totally messed up or upset someone. 
I'd call your Drs and find out why you keep being cancelled and if it might be easier to refer you to your CMHT....

----------


## john82

> That's cool, it's just I live with sarcastic people who say "thanks for that" normally when I've totally messed up or upset someone. 
> I'd call your Drs and find out why you keep being cancelled and if it might be easier to refer you to your CMHT....


I did ask when I called up to re book why it got cancelled she said she didn't know. My gf wants me to see another doctor but I don't see the point all that'll happen is I'll tell them I'm struggling I've withdrawn again but what can they do? I just feel its pointless. 

Managed to have a bit to eat and went in the garage to workout

----------


## Stella180

Exercise is always good.

----------


## john82

> Exercise is always good.


I'm trying to keep going just managed to regain all the weight I lost at Christmas when I was last bad.

----------


## Paula

I think most of the country have gained weight, lovely.

----------


## Suzi

How are you this morning. 

I think your GF has a point. If this is the third appointment that was cancelled then maybe it might be worth seeing another dr who could try something different. It worked with my husband. Our new GP was brilliant. Sent him to a different CMHT, changed meds and in turn literally saved him and changed our lives completely.

----------


## john82

> How are you this morning. 
> 
> I think your GF has a point. If this is the third appointment that was cancelled then maybe it might be worth seeing another dr who could try something different. It worked with my husband. Our new GP was brilliant. Sent him to a different CMHT, changed meds and in turn literally saved him and changed our lives completely.


Had a little sleep still struggled I can't fall sleep anymore without background noise as it stops me thinking and worrying if I'm concentrating on something else,so I usually end up falling sleep on the sofa. Not really doing much today my partners off today she's tried to speak to me a few times but I'm not interested and haven't really responded. 

It's been the 3rd time not in a row but still annoying once I was parking my car when they called to say he'd gone sick. 

I was seeing a Dr but he sent me to this guy as he deals with mental health etc I'm still taking my meds but the anxiety isn't easing atm and I think it's only going to build. I'm already taking 30mg of buspirone a day.

----------


## Paula

I really, really think you need to talk to your GP about your meds - if you cant get to see this MH guy theres no point them referring you to him.

And please speak to your girlfriend, lovely

----------


## Suzi

Why aren't you talking to your partner? You're "not interested"? That seems harsh... She obviously loves and cares for you so it might help her too if you spoke to her. It doesn't have to be about the big stuff, just about the weather or something or maybe you could go for a walk in the woods or something together?

----------


## john82

> I really, really think you need to talk to your GP about your meds - if you can’t get to see this MH guy there’s no point them referring you to him.
> 
> And please speak to your girlfriend, lovely


I'm wary of seeing other Dr's due to them constantly changing my meds & all the side effects I've had. At least with the current meds I've no side effects.

----------


## Stella180

No side effect is great providing they are working for you. If you’re backsliding that might suggest they aren’t helping enough.

----------


## john82

> Why aren't you talking to your partner? You're "not interested"? That seems harsh... She obviously loves and cares for you so it might help her too if you spoke to her. It doesn't have to be about the big stuff, just about the weather or something or maybe you could go for a walk in the woods or something together?



I just don't see the point in talking about it she never seems interested she can't help the situation. I spoke to my sister yesterday but nothing really helps. It doesn't take away the constant sick feeling the worrying etc

----------


## Paula

But if theyre not working, you need to find something that does. If you want to get your life back, you need to make changes.....

----------


## john82

> But if they’re not working, you need to find something that does. If you want to get your life back, you need to make changes.....


It's not helped being off from work again I'd just got back into a routine and things were getting a little easier. I thought I'd be able to cope going back but the more time I've spent away from work the more anxious I get. 

Covid also hasn't helped I just want to stay in until it calms down

----------


## Paula

Its not really about how you were coping before, its how youre coping now. The longer you leave things as they are, the harder its going to get. Please call your doctor

----------


## Suzi

Stella and Paula are completely right. 
You don't have to talk to your partner about your mental health all the time, talk to her about other things  - talk about the weather, it doesn't matter, just talk to her. It'll help build up your relationship so you can talk about your health too...

----------


## john82

Had another appointment cancelled today with the mental health practitioner two in a row now don't see the point in trying a 3rd time.

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## Suzi

Then go and see your doctor. Tell them why you are there and not seeing the mh practitioner...

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## john82

So far today's been odd it's my birthday and I've tried to snap out of it and be more positive my gf's gone to alot of trouble lots of gifts made me a cake, had afternoon tea delivered my sister & nephew have been up to sit in the garden along with my mum & dad and yet I don't seem to find any joy or happiness atm it's bad but I'm thinking I just wish they hadn't bothered and leave me alone.

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## Suzi

Happy birthday! 
Did you think about calling the doctors?

----------


## john82

> Happy birthday! 
> Did you think about calling the doctors?


Thanks I hope I didn't sound to ungrateful. 

No had a missed call off them today and they've left a voicemail but not listened to it, I was trying to have a day where I didn't have to worry about anything no stress etc. 

I'm currently in the garage trying to work out to keep my mind good sometimes I wish I could just hide away in here

----------


## Paula

Happy birthday!

----------


## Stella180

Happy Birthday John.

----------


## john82

Thank you both  :(inlove):

----------


## john82

Thought I'd update still off work my anxiety is still really high was supposed to go into work a few times but haven't managed it, doesn't help when we've been put back into lock down joys of living in Leicester, and now the mask news has only made it worse. 

I've another appointment booked for a different doctor on the 24th after speaking to her last week she wrote to the psychiatrist again as I need more support had a letter this week for a telephone appointment for the first week of August.

----------


## Paula

Well done for talking to another doctor. Whats the telephone appointment for?

----------


## Suzi

Sorry you're still struggling. 
Well done for being proactive though! Are you going to see this Dr on a regular basis now?

----------


## john82

> Well done for talking to another doctor. What’s the telephone appointment for?


It's just a follow up as I wanted to up my meds but I'd already requested my prescription so she couldn't do it. She wanted to sign me off work so at least I'd be getting some money but I don't want to be signed off as I'm worried about my job. 

I'm not sure if it's going to be regular there's not much they can do tbh apart from change my meds just feels like a waste of time. I tried to book in with the metal health practitioner but his next appointment wasn't until the end of August  :(shake):

----------


## Paula

It might be worth taking that appointment anyway, in case things arent resolved before that. You can always cancel....

----------


## Suzi

I agree, take it. You deserve to be seen. Do you feel your meds are helping? 

Oh and whether you've just requested a repeat prescription or not they can still up your meds, that's just nonsense that they can't!

----------


## john82

I'm definitely taking the appointment it's a telephone appointment due to the virus.

Hoping the psychiatrist can offer me some support but that's not until August. 

I've felt OK the last few weeks but today Its as if I can feel my mood shift and I become withdrawn and stressed easily then the sickness starts as I start to worry so I'm not sure the last thing I want them doing is messing around with my meds again as it took 12 months just to find something which didn't cause me any side effects so I'm quite anxious about them messing.

----------


## Suzi

Maybe try talking a bit more? Rather than letting things build up?

----------


## john82

> Maybe try talking a bit more? Rather than letting things build up?


I don't really have much to talk about tbh or where to start. I do the same thing most days routine etc. I've lost all contact with friends/work colleagues. I'm not even sure why I'm feeling down or what I can talk about. I've always struggled communicating tbh.

----------


## Paula

Sometimes it helps just to say that youre sad, or anxious, or lifes tough today itms. You know that here we all get it, even if everyone around you irl doesnt ....

----------


## Suzi

Exactly as Paula has said. You don't have to talk in full sentences, or in ordered paragraphs. Sometimes just saying that things are tough or that you're struggling with something specific really helps...

----------


## john82

I did tell my partner that I was feeling low and that my anxiety was building but I get no response or other occasions she asks why and I can't give an answer.

----------


## Suzi

Then talk here.

----------


## john82

> Then talk here.


Thats what I already do but feels bad only coming on here when I get low etc. 

Plus there's only so many times you can write how you feel but it never seems to change.

----------


## Stella180

That’s kinda what this place is here for

----------


## Suzi

But you always leave it so long until you come here and then you don't really get the full benefit of the community...

----------


## john82

So after waiting for a few months just had my follow up with the psychiatrist.

Not very happy with how it went the guy kept talking over me saying it was only a quick follow up, I didnt really think he was listening he asked me if I'd had a diagnosis. I don't have a clue all I keep seeing is anxiety and depression nobody's listening when I tell them about my mood swings etc.

In the end he asked what I was wanting from the call... 

I told him the Dr's contacted you as I've been getting no support to which he said well how do you want us to help, I replied I didn't know you are the expert I don't know what options I have. 

Its left me feeling very down, annoyed, angry and just makes me think there's no point in asking for help in the future.

----------


## Paula

I suggest going back to your GP and explaining all this, and explaining you had no support/options given to you.

There is _always_ a point for asking for help, even if one doctor doesnt get it, doesnt mean you dont deserve it

----------


## john82

> I suggest going back to your GP and explaining all this, and explaining you had no support/options given to you.
> 
> There is _always_ a point for asking for help, even if one doctor doesn’t get it, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve it


Ive got a follow up with my doctor next week I'll mention it then. 

I just got the usual increase your meds and increase the buspirone  :(: 

When he kept asking me what help I wanted I mentioned about cbt and that I found it abit repetitive so he's booked me in for speech therapy again  :(wait):

----------


## Paula

What meds, other than buspirone, did he increase?

----------


## Suzi

Why speech therapy?

----------


## john82

He told me to increase the buspirone but didn't tell me to how much, also asked if I wanted to increase the brintellix to 20mg I think he said speech therapy I think more cbt.

And that was it another follow up 2 months later  :(: .

This guy is covering for my old psychiatrist until they fill the position according to the letter I received.

----------


## Suzi

I really think you should go and see your Dr about the increase in meds and the question over speech therapy...

----------


## john82

> I really think you should go and see your Dr about the increase in meds and the question over speech therapy...


I'm going to see if I can get in with the mental health practitioner tomorrow. 

I'm prob wrong about speech therapy just looked at it he def said cbt because I remember saying I'd had that and found it repetitive but he didn't listen. 

Doctor told me to mention my moods again he wasn't interested just said it was a quick call me most likely babbling on.

----------


## Suzi

In future could your wife sit with you through these appointments? There are several things there that have been mixed up and if you mix up medication dosages etc then it could have serious consequences.

----------


## john82

> In future could your wife sit with you through these appointments? There are several things there that have been mixed up and if you mix up medication dosages etc then it could have serious consequences.


She usually comes with me but stays in the waiting room today was a telephone appointment,and I'd rather have her not listen to what I'm thinking or feeling half the time.

----------


## Paula

Why not? I know my husband really didnt understand my illness until he started being involved in the appointments

----------


## john82

> Why not? I know my husband really didn’t understand my illness until he started being involved in the appointments


Because Im still trying to get my head around it myself which is the most frustrating thing and I think it would upset my girlfriend

----------


## Paula

You think but you dont know. Surely youre making an assumption based on how you feel about it, not how she feels?

----------


## Suzi

It really helped Marc when I went in with him as I was able to say how things had been from my point of view too. It meant they got a truer representation of how things really were itms? It also helped me to know how things really were for him... It was so much easier to deal with when I knew accurately what I was dealing with too...

----------


## john82

> You ‘think’ but you don’t know. Surely you’re making an assumption based on how you feel about it, not how she feels?


I seen how she was when she read the medical report the doctors gave me. 

I've got another appointment with the mental health practitioner next Thursday but I'm going to ring this Thursday first thing to see if there's been a cancellation,wondering if it'll get cancelled again :S: .

Thing is for a while I can feel really low but I can't figure out why apart from just feeling down, then the next minute I'm feeling like I can get loads done around the house etc and I'm spending £300 on a egg chair for the garden which we didn't need and didn't go down very well.Then for a period I'm feeling okay then the low moods start again and I don't feel like talking or socialising and the cycle seems to repeat.

----------


## Suzi

£300 on an egg chair is something I wouldn't be happy about unless we'd talked about it either tbh! 
There doesn't always have to be a reason, sometimes it just is. 

I really think you need to talk to your partner more. How was she when she read the medical report - what did it say?

----------


## Paula

Have you told your doctors about the sudden jumps in mood?

----------


## john82

> Have you told your doctors about the sudden jumps in mood?


Yes I told the doctor last week who told me to mention it to the psychiatrist which I did, but he didn't ask about it

----------


## Suzi

Have you been back to speak to the dr and told him all this?

----------


## john82

> Have you been back to speak to the dr and told him all this?


Ive got a appointment Monday and another appointment with the mental health practitioner a week Thursday but hoping I can get in tomorrow

----------


## Suzi

Write a list for them...

----------


## john82

> Write a list for them...


A list?

----------


## Suzi

Yes, a list of all the things you need to check/go over - including the confusion with the change in dosage, the speech or cbt, the fact you feel that he didn't listen to you, mood swings, buying random purchases like the very expensive egg chair whilst you aren't working etc Go back through your thread here and write a list of every issue that you need to mention and then go through that list with them.

----------


## Paula

^^^wss

----------


## john82

Thank you will do

----------


## john82

Managed to get an appointment for 11.30-12.30 I'm nervous and anxious as I'm not even sure what to talk about I've wrote a list but I'm worried I'm wasting his time

----------


## john82

No surprise no phone call.

----------


## Paula

Call them back. Thats appalling!

----------


## john82

> Call them back. That’s appalling!


He left me a voicemail at 3pm saying he's working till 4pm call reception spent 40 mins on hold  :@:  waiting for a call back now

----------


## john82

Had the phone call mentioned a few things he wants. Me to take 3.x 10mg of buspirone a day.

Dismissed my moods as he said it couldn't be bioploar as I'd be changing subject all the time? And I never seem to be high? I mentioned I go through different stages all the time he says I've Extreme anxiety which is causing me to feel very low when I get anxious? Not sure I agree with that.

I've another appointment in 2 weeks to see how I've been getting on not really much help in getting out he just said try and go for little walks with my partner and take a buspirone before.

----------


## Suzi

Try taking the meds and keep a mood diary... It's an important thing to do. Even more if you feel that they are dismissing how you are feeling.

----------


## john82

> Try taking the meds and keep a mood diary... It's an important thing to do. Even more if you feel that they are dismissing how you are feeling.


I will do, I think I've seen a few apps that I could use to keep a diary.

Once again I'd like to say thanks for the reply I've been getting  :(y):  :(hi):

----------


## Suzi

You're welcome. 

The more detail you can put in it the better - even smiley faces for morning, late morning, afternoon, evening, bed and then note if it changes during those times too.

----------

Flo (31-07-20)

----------


## scilover

Does mirtazapine make you emotional?

If you miss doses, it can increase your risk of relapse. An abrupt end to Remeron causes withdrawal symptoms that can include dizziness, vomiting, headaches, and nausea. You may also be extremely emotional and in some cases, people have become suicidal. so make sure to take your meds and be careful.

----------


## john82

> Does mirtazapine make you emotional?
> 
> If you miss doses, it can increase your risk of relapse. An abrupt end to Remeron causes withdrawal symptoms that can include dizziness, vomiting, headaches, and nausea. You may also be extremely emotional and in some cases, people have become suicidal. so make sure to take your meds and be careful.


Hi I'm not taking Mirtazapine now I'm on Buspirone and Vortioxetine.

Felt a shift in my mood again today felt good all morning and afternoon the evening comes and I can feel my mood changing, the loneliness comes on

----------

Allalone (14-08-20)

----------


## Suzi

Are you keeping track of your moods?

----------


## john82

> Are you keeping track of your moods?


Yes so far they've mainly been bad days or meh days using an app called daylio.

----------


## Paula

Whens your next appointment?

----------


## john82

> When’s your next appointment?


Got the mental health practitioner calling me 2mos he's going to moan as he's told me to take buspirone 3 times a day but it makes me light headed and brings back the sweating issues not that this weather has helped. Ive also been sitting in the car whilst my partner shops as I don't want to wear a mask and don't want to get moaned at for not so it's easier to stay in the car

----------


## Paula

Then ask if theres an alternative to Buspirone....

----------


## john82

> Then ask if there’s an alternative to Buspirone....


I know what he'll say that it's been really hot for the past 6 days etc feel like it's pointless and it'll just get dismissed,or that I shouldn't let it bother me.

----------


## Strugglingmum

At least you tried with the Buspirone and that's all anyone can ask and I guess that's part of having a review that you can discuss medication problems. 
I totally get the not wanting to wear a mask issue as I do find it a bit triggering too. It is probably better for your anxiety at this point to just wait in the car where you can breathe easier and you can always help with the carrying bags in and unpacking and help out that way.

----------


## john82

> At least you tried with the Buspirone and that's all anyone can ask and I guess that's part of having a review that you can discuss medication problems. 
> I totally get the not wanting to wear a mask issue as I do find it a bit triggering too. It is probably better for your anxiety at this point to just wait in the car where you can breathe easier and you can always help with the carrying bags in and unpacking and help out that way.


Ive been trying to get a hidden disability lanyard & card which I think will help although ills still be the odd one out if everyone's wearing a mask.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Yes I've seen some advertised. Our government has actually put printable cards on their website that you can just download and print off. We have only been mask compulsory this week so we are a bit behind you guys I think. 
I was shopping yesterday and while most people were wearing masks, there were a few who were not and tbh no one gave them a second look. I am just so scared of someone challenging me that I persevere with it but I am constantly pulling it out from my face to breath. It only takes me 20 mins to run round Asda so I'm managing it so far.

----------


## john82

> Yes I've seen some advertised. Our government has actually put printable cards on their website that you can just download and print off. We have only been mask compulsory this week so we are a bit behind you guys I think. 
> I was shopping yesterday and while most people were wearing masks, there were a few who were not and tbh no one gave them a second look. I am just so scared of someone challenging me that I persevere with it but I am constantly pulling it out from my face to breath. It only takes me 20 mins to run round Asda so I'm managing it so far.


Thats the reason I don't go in for fear of somebody challenging me it just stresses me out.

----------


## Stella180

> Ive been trying to get a hidden disability lanyard & card which I think will help although ills still be the odd one out if everyone's wearing a mask.


The Sunflower Lanyard is NOT an excuse to get out of wearing a mask. It is to instruct staff that you have a condition that may involve you needing extra help and support. That said anxiety is on the list of conditions that are exempt from wearing a mask however my advice is to at least try giving the mask a go. Yes it is uncomfortable and unusual but it is for safety. 

If however you feel that the lanyard is something that is beneficial to you other that not wearing a mask then go ahead. I’m all for the scheme and it’s made a big difference to me.

----------

Paula (13-08-20),Suzi (13-08-20)

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## john82

> The Sunflower Lanyard is NOT an excuse to get out of wearing a mask. It is to instruct staff that you have a condition that may involve you needing extra help and support. That said anxiety is on the list of conditions that are exempt from wearing a mask however my advice is to at least try giving the mask a go. Yes it is uncomfortable and unusual but it is for safety. 
> 
> If however you feel that the lanyard is something that is beneficial to you other that not wearing a mask then go ahead. I’m all for the scheme and it’s made a big difference to me.


I never said it was an excuse not to wear a mask, the idea was that it would help me to get out and into the shops if I had something like that incase people confronted me as to why I wasn't wearing one.

----------


## Paula

As SM has said, you can just go onto the gov.uk website and print something off to explain why youre not wearing a mask. You can do that today (https://assets.publishing.service.go...e_to_print.pdf)

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john82 (13-08-20)

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## Suzi

> Yes so far they've mainly been bad days or meh days using an app called daylio.


Are you just tracking the whole day? I've not heard of that app, hence I'm asking. Try tracking first thing you get up, morning, lunch, afternoon, evening, just before bed




> Ive been trying to get a hidden disability lanyard & card which I think will help although ills still be the odd one out if everyone's wearing a mask.


Go to the hidden disabilities website and order one  :O:  
Although my husband and my children have fought through the anxiety by buying material ones which are much more comfortable than the hospital style ones..

----------


## Stella180

> I never said it was an excuse not to wear a mask, the idea was that it would help me to get out and into the shops if I had something like that incase people confronted me as to why I wasn't wearing one.


My point is many people are abusing the scheme and think the sunflower lanyard is for mask exemption when it is nothing of the sort. There is no actual mask exemption symbol. If you cant wear a mask dont wear a mask. SM and Paula are right you can print out cards at home but again its not necessary.

----------


## john82

> My point is many people are abusing the scheme and think the sunflower lanyard is for mask exemption when it is nothing of the sort. There is no actual mask exemption “symbol”. If you can’t wear a mask don’t wear a mask. SM and Paula are right you can print out cards at home but again it’s not necessary.


https://hiddendisabilitiesstore.com/...-covering.html

----------


## Stella180

I’m fully aware. I have one myself due to respiratory conditions. What I am telling you is that the scheme is not just about face masks and if you didn’t need the scheme before and you don’t need the scheme after the face masks are no longer necessary, then you don’t need it now.

----------

Flo (17-08-20),Suzi (17-08-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

John those are fab aren't they!! 
The sunflower lanyard, I believe, was designed with autism/asperger's/ sensory issues in mind....and Im sure other conditions I am not aware of  long before this awful pandemic started. 
Facemasks are not going away anywhere fast so if it makes you feel easier to cope with shopping etc or being out in public then invest in one.  Mental illness could definitely be classed as a hidden disability in my book so while it may not be the original intention, I believe if it makes life easier get one. 
I know people who have autism etc are concerned that other people using the lanyard may belittle their relevance or effectiveness but I dont think it will......if anything it has raised awareness of what they mean.
You could always print off one of the govt cards discussed before and attach it to any lanyard to wear.

It's all about just giving each other respect to cope in a hard time. I have been in shops here where people haven't been wearing masks and none has said a word. 
I really struggle with masks too but I try and mostly manage, but sometimes I have to take it off even just for a few moments to breath. Most people give you a sympathetic or understanding look.....if they even notice. 
Whatever you decide, it has to work for you.

----------

Flo (17-08-20),john82 (17-08-20),Suzi (17-08-20)

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## Suzi

I agree, I don't think you need anything - the only time people are being challenged around here is public transport heading into London. If you don't want to/can't wear one then don't! It really is that simple. 
The hidden disabilities scheme is amazing and I agree with Stella there are a lot of people who are now picking up on it and abusing it because they don't need it, they are using it as an exemption and because you don't need any id or "proof" for it anyone can get one and it is watering down the impact and what it actually stands for...

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## john82

Well I managed to go shopping Monday with my girlfriend, I felt really anxious and almost stayed in the car. I tucked the sunflower lanyard inside my t-shirt so it was hidden it was just there as backup & to calm me.

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## Strugglingmum

I'm glad you managed it. Well done.

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john82 (19-08-20)

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## john82

Thought things were looking up then today I get a message from work just as I was about to walk to the local shop with my partner which has set off my anxiety feeling sick again panicking etc and all it says is can you update me on your situation. 

I mentioned 2 weeks ago that my meds had been increased and it'll take a few weeks to see if there working I know it's his job to see how I'm doing and get an update but it just puts the pressure back on, I was aiming to go into work at the end of the week just to try and get in the building and get my chocolate bar like the dr tasked me.

I've sat silent for the last few hours worrying what to reply now

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## Paula

> Thought things were looking up then today I get a message from work just as I was about to walk to the local shop with my partner which has set off my anxiety feeling sick again panicking etc and all it says is can you update me on your situation. 
> 
> I mentioned 2 weeks ago that my meds had been increased and it'll take a few weeks to see if there working I know it's his job to see how I'm doing and get an update but it just puts the pressure back on, I was aiming to go into work at the end of the week just to try and get in the building and get my chocolate bar like the dr tasked me.
> 
> I've sat silent for the last few hours worrying what to reply now


Id say pretty much what youve said here - it says it all

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## Suzi

I agree!

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## john82

I finally messaged back said I'm late reply as whenever I get a message from you (boss) it feels like I've been hit by a sledgehammer.

He was great said he just wanted an update and that he's never pressured me etc told him I felt bad like I was letting him down etc.

----------


## Suzi

That's a great reply from him. Well one for being brave enough to email him the truth about how you are feeling.

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## Strugglingmum

He sounds very understanding. Hope today is less stressful

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john82 (23-08-20)

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## john82

Tried to go into work Friday told my friend I would pop in but as the time got nearer I bottled it. I think next time I'm not going to tell anyone and just try and go in,so that's the aim for this week.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Well done for not giving up and being prepared to try again!! 
Yes might be easier if you feel there is no pressure to appear. Hope you manage it. Its great to have goals.

----------


## Suzi

Just pop in and buy a chocolate bar or an apple or just aim to park the car, then go home. Next time park and get out of the car and go home. Then park, get out and walk to the door and go home. Then one step inside. Then 2 steps, then build it up. Doesn't matter if it takes all week, one step at a time and make things your choice - not leaving because you couldn't cope, but because you are choosing to go home...

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john82 (01-09-20),Paula (23-08-20),Stella180 (23-08-20)

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## john82

Managed to go shopping again yesterday although i panicked alot aldi is just too busy and the constant tannoy announcements were too much.

I'm really annoyed went to the post office today with my partner i walked in and straight away a lady behind a big screen shouted where's your mask? i explained i was exempt and showed them the lanyard i had on to which she said have i a face mask except card.

I was fuming got told she wasn't going to serve me and that i had to leave the shop this is exactly why i haven't bothered going out.

I've emailed the post office complaints and im waiting for a call back hopefully tomorrow but im so angry.

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## Stella180

She has no right to ask for an exemption card because its not a requirement. She sounds like a bit of cow.

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## john82

> She has no right to ask for an exemption card because it’s not a requirement. She sounds like a bit of cow.


Can she refuse to serve me? I've had a little look online but im not sure,as some say if you've no exemption card they can ask you to leave?

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## Paula

This is from gov.uk

Exemption cards
Those who have an age, health or disability reason for not wearing a face covering should not be routinely asked to give any written evidence of this, this includes exemption cards. No person needs to seek advice or request a letter from a medical professional about their reason for not wearing a face covering.

Some people may feel more comfortable showing something that says they do not have to wear a face covering. This could be in the form of an exemption card, badge or even a home-made sign.

This is a personal choice and is not necessary in law.

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john82 (01-09-20)

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## Stella180

Technically any shop can refuse to serve anyone however there is no “official” exemption card because we are all expected to self monitor. It’s a funny time cos nobody really has a clue what the hell to do. It appears that disability discrimination has gone out the window thanks to this pandemic.

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john82 (01-09-20)

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## john82

My girlfriend was going to go take the parcel tomorrow but id quite like to do it as i don't want her to get away with it,and i dont want her putting me off but its how to approach the subject if i walk in and she refuses to serve me i'm kinda stuck.

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## Suzi

I agree with the others, there is no legal need to wear a face mask, and no such need for an exemption card. 
You could go back and make a scene if she refuses to serve you or you could leave the complaint to run and go elsewhere to post it. 

Have you managed to go into tesco to get your chocolate bar yet?

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## john82

I'm going to go back tomorrow morning hopefully catch the chap who's in charge and as long as its not busy tell him about the way she was,not that it'll do alot.

No I'm going to my gf's parents tomorrow so I plan on going in on the way home that's if I don't bottle it again.

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## Suzi

#how much have you been out of the house since you last posted?

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## Stella180

I recently bought one of these badges for the laugh 

https://www.pocketperfectdesigns.co....mpt-Badge.html

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## john82

> I recently bought one of these badges for the laugh 
> 
> https://www.pocketperfectdesigns.co....mpt-Badge.html


LOL I hope you got the swearing version

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## john82

> #how much have you been out of the house since you last posted?


I went shopping monday again but wanted to leave found aldi very stressful it was too busy no social distancing, I was panicking and wanted to just leave the shopping and go but I stayed, although It didn't go down well with my girlfriend who said I should stay in the car next time as I was stressing her out.

Hopefully go to the post office tomorrow with partner

Tbh I'd rather stay in and avoid everyone still

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## Stella180

> LOL I hope you got the swearing version


Absolutely!

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john82 (01-09-20)

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## Suzi

My top tip for supermarkets if you need somewhere that feels less busy as the lighting is different and the aisles are wider is Morrison... It's the only supermarket my 2 children with ASD and my husband with ASD and MH issues can shop...

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## Strugglingmum

> My top tip for supermarkets if you need somewhere that feels less busy as the lighting is different and the aisles are wider is Morrison... It's the only supermarket my 2 children with ASD and my husband with ASD and MH issues can shop...


That's good to know Suzi....we dont have Morrisons over here but I always find Llidl are the easiest for less crowds and wide aisles over here...... I just can never find what I need!!  :P:

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Suzi (02-09-20)

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## Stella180

Most supermarkets are still doing priority hours which tend to be quieter. Might be worth looking into at your local store.

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## john82

Yes the last few weeks we've been going to lidl our old lidl closed and relocated up the road with a brand new store,partner prefers aldi but its too busy and noisy for me.

I chickened out about going into the post office my gf went in it was a different lady anyway gf told the lady about how I was spoken to she said the lady's had a few run ins with other people about face masks.

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## Suzi

You need to change your mindset. It's not chickening out - it's choosing not to take that option. The more you allow this to control you the more it will. You need to take control of it and that starts with your mindset....

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## john82

Well was planning on going into work tonight managed to pull into the car park then I bottled it again when I noticed a manager was standing on the entrance, the more I sat there trying to convince myself to go inI the more I wanted my gf to start the car and just get out of there. 

My partner didn't help telling me to hurry up and not to be long adding to the pressure. We ended up arguing as I feel I'm better off going on my own and doing it in my own time but Im to scared to leave the house by myself.

Maybe I'm using that as an excuse. 

Had a crap day my gran passed away this afternoon

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## Stella180

Oh John, sorry about your Gran. Maybe today wasn’t the right day for it.

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john82 (03-09-20)

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## Strugglingmum

So sorry about your gran. Please be gentle with yourself.   :(bear):

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john82 (03-09-20)

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## Paula

Im so sorry for your loss, hunni. Please give yourself time and space to be kind to you  :Panda:

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john82 (03-09-20)

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## john82

> Oh John, sorry about your Gran. Maybe today wasn’t the right day for it.


Thanks. 

I don't think it's hit me yet. 

She was 94 I can't help but feel guilty as I used to see every weekend and visit once a week when I could drive she was my 2nd mum, since her dementia got worse and she had to go into a home I've only seen her twice as it was heartbreaking seeing her the way she was she didn't recognise me anymore and I stopped going a few years ago as it wasn't the way I wanted to remember her.

And yet I can't help but feel guilty for not going.

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## Stella180

I get where you are coming from. I don’t think I would be strong enough to support someone with such a horrible illness and  see them disappear before your eyes.

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## Suzi

Sorry about your gran..

Please try to be kind and patient with your GF. It's bloo(y hard being the other person when you don't know what's going on in someone's mind and don't understand how things really are...

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## john82

> Sorry about your gran..
> 
> Please try to be kind and patient with your GF. It's bloo(y hard being the other person when you don't know what's going on in someone's mind and don't understand how things really are...


Thank you. 

I know had a conversation with my mental health practitioner today told him about my anger flaring up he just said its probably because your trying to get out and about and out my comfort zone. 

He's spoke to my psychiatrist since the last time I spoke to him and there arranging a cpn assessment he mentioned a bit about what could happen it's immediately put me off having a stranger coming round

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## Suzi

Why has it put you off? A cpn is an amazing resource to be given - they are so overworked and with so few of them around atm... They can be brilliant and really, really help - but as with anything you have to want it to help and be open to it in the first place.

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## Strugglingmum

Tbh I wouldn't have made it through last few years without my CPN. They have been lifesaving for me... literally. I would always say dont dismiss it without trying. I feel blessed to have been offered the resource and for me it has really worked.

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## Stella180

Believe me if you get a CPN you are extremely lucky. They are a rare commodity these days. It would really help you to have someone supporting you, someone to talk to and help you get out, teach you new coping mechanisms etc. If you get that offer take it.

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## john82

I'm no good talking to new people it just panics me, plus it's the thought of being judged. My homes my safe zone, one of the reasons I don't go out is fear of other people

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## Stella180

Mate I absolutely 100% know how you feel. I’m the same way but sometimes we have to be brave to get the help we need. They’re not going to judge you but they will observe and support you toward getting better. Yeah it’s big and it’s scary right now but if it helps you it’s gonna be worth it.

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john82 (03-09-20)

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## Suzi

Whoever is your cpn will have seen people in all kinds of situations. I promise you that this is not a punishment, it's not designed to be a problem for you, but to help you. You just have to let them in and talk to them. They aren't going around snooping, not judging, just trying to help. I know that if it wasn't for the first CPN my husband had things would have been so very different. Really, try not to judge them before you've even met them.

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john82 (03-09-20)

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## john82

Finally updated my address online with my doctors the other day, had to sooner or later as my parents are moving closer to me and today I've received a letter saying I'm outside there catchment area, I'll receive a letter with surgery's closer to me or go on the NHS choices website (which is currently down!)

I'm worried as the doctors in the village is tiny and always has people complaining l, they also don't have any mental health practitioners that's the main thing I'm worried about losing

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## Suzi

How long have you been out of the catchment area? 

In all honesty, if they think you need the support you can be referred to your local CMHT. You've hated your MH practitioner messing you around anyway...

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## john82

I've been out the catchment area for almost 5 years but always used parents home address.

I don't like change just worried that the village doctors won't have any mental health services, also the mental health practitioner knows about what's go on and I don't really want to have to start all over again

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## Suzi

Every doctors has access to refer you to a CMHT if they can't support you there. Really and truly you shouldn't have been falsely have been accessing any of the facilities when knowing that you were doing so....

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## Strugglingmum

Change isn't nice, none of us really enjoy it or cope well with it but having your GP local has so many benefits. You may be surprised at how much actually is available and how knowledgeable your new GP is. Quite often in the absence of a specialist the GPs become very well versed and up to date in treatment options etc.

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john82 (16-09-20)

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## john82

> Every doctors has access to refer you to a CMHT if they can't support you there. Really and truly you shouldn't have been falsely have been accessing any of the facilities when knowing that you were doing so....


The doctors have my old address but psychiatrist and when I've had cbt etc all have my current address.

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## Suzi

Not really the point love, you've been accessing services meant for someone else who lives in that area. 
As I said, you should be able to have access to a CMHT where you are now.

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## john82

> Not really the point love, you've been accessing services meant for someone else who lives in that area. 
> As I said, you should be able to have access to a CMHT where you are now.


I agree but if you look at it that way somebody else has benefited in the area I'm supposed to be.

Had my last appointment with the mental health practitioner yesterday there's nothing he can do he's abit concerned now as I have no gp. I mentioned I was concerned about being back at square one again, the practice he's at he's 1 of 2 in our county in his position.

He did mention calling the practice manager and seeing if they'd take me on,but it wouldn't be very likely. 

He called the psychiatrist centre and updated them about the situation which he hoped would speed things up. 

Theres no way I'm going into the village to register at a new practice if only it could be done over the phone.

I've been reading all the reviews and the receptionists are getting horrible feedback.

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## Suzi

Dr's receptionists ALWAYS get horrible feedback - after all they are the gatekeepers to the Drs! However if you talk to them, explaining your situation I'm sure they will do what they can to help. 
No one can make you register with them, but without a GP you are going to struggle/not be able to access any form of NHS help.

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## john82

This morning I had my cpn assessment over the phone, the guy told me he was recommending one for me.

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## Paula

Thats good news

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## Suzi

That's great news.

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## john82

Had a call from work just a catch up went well then towards the end he dropped in were going to try and support you more by getting occupational health involved  :(sweat):  which instantly made me feel sick and I'm now panicking like mad.

I asked him if that meant they were going to get rid of me he said no occupational health will do a report and work out how best they can support me? 

I don't really trust them anyone else offer any advice on what I can expect?

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## Paula

Why dont you trust them? Have you experience with OH before?

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## john82

> Why don’t you trust them? Have you experience with OH before?


Just all the trouble I've had with them in the past messing up wages, ESA trouble then being told I was lying to managers about never telling them I could only work 14 hrs which was complete rubbish as I've proof. They've just caused me alot more stress everytime. 

No I've never dealt with OH before I'm worried there going to turn round and say get rid of me

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## Suzi

Occupational Health are there to assess and see how they can help you stay in your job if possible. Really, they are not the enemy. 

Who don't you trust? You say you don't trust them, but you've not had any input from them before?

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## Stella180

OH are there to help. Any reasonable adjustments that are needed to make your time at work easier can by implemented through them but you need to be open and honest with them so they can help.

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john82 (09-10-20)

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## john82

> Occupational Health are there to assess and see how they can help you stay in your job if possible. Really, they are not the enemy. 
> 
> Who don't you trust? You say you don't trust them, but you've not had any input from them before?


It's work I don't trust

----------


## Suzi

Ahh right...

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## john82

Had a rubbish day received a text and email stating the OH date and time which is next Tuesday over the phone. My anxiety is high atm worrying about what there going to ask

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## Paula

Probably what they can do to help you....

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## Suzi

Don't fight the OT. They are there to help. If you are finding it hard to talk to them tell them. If something they ask raises your anxiety, tell them. If they suggest something you think might help, tell them. If they suggest something that you don't think will help, tell them.... Get the jist?  :):

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## Stella180

I was asked to see OH when I was last working. The company wanted to know what it would take to get me back to work ASAP, and any measures to be put in place to make that happen. The person I was was independent asked my details about what my problem was, how it affected me. Basically no different to see your GP. They told me what they would inform my employer, in my case that regardless of how long I had been off work I was still not ready to go back to work in their opinion for at least 6-8 weeks. Yeah it’s scary talking to a complete stranger but it’s definitely a good thing.

----------


## john82

> I was asked to see OH when I was last working. The company wanted to know what it would take to get me back to work ASAP, and any measures to be put in place to make that happen. The person I was was independent asked my details about what my problem was, how it affected me. Basically no different to see your GP. They told me what they would inform my employer, in my case that regardless of how long I had been off work I was still not ready to go back to work in their opinion for at least 6-8 weeks. Yeah it’s scary talking to a complete stranger but it’s definitely a good thing.


I'm still really nervous the only issue I have is who sees all this information at work as when I was off the first time it should have been kept private but everyone knew the reason I'd been off when I went back which made it harder. 

I'm just worried they'll turn round and say its going to take too long to get back to work. 

All I've been doing is waiting on the cpn assessment and now waiting for a letter to when I'll get the help. Doesn't seem like I'm doing alot which worries me.

----------


## Suzi

Are you pushing yourself to do the basics? Get up, get washed, get dressed, help do chores around the house? Go out to somewhere to go and get a chocolate bar or a newspaper etc?

----------


## john82

> Are you pushing yourself to do the basics? Get up, get washed, get dressed, help do chores around the house? Go out to somewhere to go and get a chocolate bar or a newspaper etc?


Some days it's hard to get up I don't sleep properly anymore and always downstairs. Have to have background noise. 

I've not been out the house much since the post office incident,especially over the last 2 weeks due to the virus rate going up. 

I've lost the mental health practitioner who was helping me due to leaving the Dr's + no longer have a doctors so I'm waiting on the nurse.

----------


## Paula

Would you be able to go for a walk?

----------


## john82

> Would you be able to go for a walk?


I sometimes walk our dog but I'll go round a field when I know nobody's in there.

Walking the dog tends to trigger negative thoughts feeling worthless etc as I struggle to walk a dog when it's something that should be so simple.

I find it easier to just sit in home and hide away

----------


## Suzi

> Some days it's hard to get up I don't sleep properly anymore and always downstairs. Have to have background noise. 
> 
> I've not been out the house much since the post office incident,especially over the last 2 weeks due to the virus rate going up. 
> 
> I've lost the mental health practitioner who was helping me due to leaving the Dr's + no longer have a doctors so I'm waiting on the nurse.





> I sometimes walk our dog but I'll go round a field when I know nobody's in there.
> 
> Walking the dog tends to trigger negative thoughts feeling worthless etc as I struggle to walk a dog when it's something that should be so simple.
> 
> I find it easier to just sit in home and hide away


You are going to have to get your sleeping and eating and washing etc sorted. It's not easy or straightforward, but what about headphones in to help you sleep?

----------


## john82

> You are going to have to get your sleeping and eating and washing etc sorted. It's not easy or straightforward, but what about headphones in to help you sleep?


My eatings not to bad but its my partner who Is always cooking but I think she's starting to feel the strain, relationship seems to be going downhill or maybe it's me thinking negative.

I've tried headphones in but there uncomfortable to wear to fall asleep in.

Nothing seems easy anymore even the simplist tasks, look back and it just makes you feel even more worthless. 

I don't think I'm going to sleep much tonight worrying.

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## Paula

Do you use wireless in ear pods? Both my husband and daughter do this to help them sleep

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## Suzi

Or you can get pillows or headbands which have headphones built in.... 

You have to start with the basics and make sure you are doing those. 
Have you spoken to your partner about how you are feeling? Actually told them that you are struggling? Asked for their support, rather than just assuming you have it?

----------


## Stella180

https://smile.amazon.co.uk/dp/B089GD...ing=UTF8&psc=1

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john82 (20-10-20)

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## john82

> Or you can get pillows or headbands which have headphones built in.... 
> 
> You have to start with the basics and make sure you are doing those. 
> Have you spoken to your partner about how you are feeling? Actually told them that you are struggling? Asked for their support, rather than just assuming you have it?


Like I said before we don't really talk anymore I think it's just become the norm now,often wonder what we're even doing together anymore, I'm sure it would be easier without me. 





> Do you use wireless in ear pods? Both my husband and daughter do this to help them sleep


I've only over the ear headphones atm I'm not on the Bluetooth wagon yet.

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm going to share something with you. I'm not sure if it applies in your situation or not as I know nothing about your relationship.
When my depression was really bad, I thought I wanted to break up my marriage. I didn't have the energy for a relationship,  I had nothing to give to anyone, it was just another stressor. We weren't talking, it was something else to feel a failure over, I took my frustration etc out on him. I wasnt sure I was even capable of loving anyone.....especially not myself. My emotions were completely numb. 
However, as I started to engage in meds, therapy, etc and was finally able to look outside myself I realised that I still deeply loved my husband. Would he have been better off without me and all the heartache? Maybe,  but thing is, he still loved me and wanted me around. 
Depression almost made me throw away my relationship because of the illness, not because of us as people.
My husband said, it was the little glimpses he got of the real me at times that kept him going. Maybe just a smile of thanks when he brought me a cup of tea, or seeing me hug the dog helped him remember when I could connect on a deeper level. 
My illness nearly ripped us apart and its only his tenacity that kept us together. We are now closer than we ever were.
You may not be feeling great about the state of your relationship but make sure that it's not just the illness talking.

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john82 (20-10-20),Paula (20-10-20),Stella180 (20-10-20),Suzi (20-10-20)

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## Suzi

One of the hardest things I've ever heard is my now husband being honest telling me that he didn't know if he still loved me. He knew he had loved me, but didn't know how he felt there and then. At least I knew. I grabbed hold of him and told him it was OK I loved him enough for both of us and that I'd stand by until he knew definitely how he felt. We've been together for almost 22 years. We still talk about how he feels and how I'm doing.... Talk to her.

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Stella180 (20-10-20)

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## john82

> One of the hardest things I've ever heard is my now husband being honest telling me that he didn't know if he still loved me. He knew he had loved me, but didn't know how he felt there and then. At least I knew. I grabbed hold of him and told him it was OK I loved him enough for both of us and that I'd stand by until he knew definitely how he felt. We've been together for almost 22 years. We still talk about how he feels and how I'm doing.... Talk to her.


I find it to hard. I never used to have this problem with previous partners I think it's since my last partner cheated and since then I've never opened up. 

10 mins until the call :(: 

Trying to think of things I may need to tell them

----------


## Suzi

How was the call? 

It's not fair for you to judge your partner based on your last one. Talk to her. Tell her you're finding it tough to open up, but you can feel things slipping away....

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## john82

> How was the call? 
> 
> It's not fair for you to judge your partner based on your last one. Talk to her. Tell her you're finding it tough to open up, but you can feel things slipping away....


The call was stressful can't help but think there going to sack me. 

OPINION / RECOMMENDATIONS

In my clinical opinion

Mr... is still struggling to leave the house. I am unable to provide an indication of a
return to work date at present. I am hopeful that he may be fit for his role in the coming weeks
with appropriate control of his symptoms and support. I have advised him to contact his GP to try and obtain an earlier appointment. You may wish to consider funding specialist counselling if this
is available.

Recommendations to Manager / HR:
• *Counselling *Some support longer term could include a stress assessment and phased
return with shadowing support) *Occupational Health Physician (OHP) appointment to be
considered if ongoing issues.
Recommendations to Employee:
• *Lifestyle advice *Counselling support- may benefit some specialist counselling if this is
available. *Appears to be engaging with medical support

HML Next Actions:
• *I am unable to provide an indication of a return to work date *Hopeful may be fit in the
coming weeks but not fit to return to work at present. Report copy; same time

I don't see how they offered anything to help me?

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## Suzi

That is really positive! They've recommended counselling and whether the company you work for have insurance where they can provide private counselling.. 
It says that you are working with medical teams, but you need to see if you can get an earlier appointment and states that atm they aren't able to suggest a back to work date. 

It's good news.

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john82 (20-10-20)

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## Paula

I dont understand why you think that outcome means theyre going to sack you. Theyve said youre not well enough yet, but that they are hopeful you can in the coming weeks, with the right support. Theyve made positive recommendations and ways for the company to help you. This is a good outcome, lovely

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## Stella180

Hey that is a very positive report. They are saying that you are doing all you can to get better and that you are not fit for work right now. They have offered advise the the company on what they can do to support you and ease you back into work when you are ready. Thats pretty much the kinda outcome you needed. Its all good mate.

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john82 (20-10-20)

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## john82

> I don’t understand why you think that outcome means they’re going to sack you. They’ve said you’re not well enough yet, but that they are hopeful you can in the coming weeks, with the right support. They’ve made positive recommendations and ways for the company to help you. This is a good outcome, lovely


I guess it's me automatically thinking the worse again. 

I told the lady I didn't want to lose my job as its the only place I've worked and I'm afraid if I lost it then there's no reason to go back outside the house again. I just need support and I can't get any help atm due to covid it's limited to what I can do

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## Suzi

What is limited because of covid? 

Today - are you up? Washed? Dressed? Had something to eat? Drink? Taken your meds?

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## john82

> What is limited because of covid? 
> 
> Today - are you up? Washed? Dressed? Had something to eat? Drink? Taken your meds?


I meant the support is limited due to covid even my mental health practitioner is frustrated. He ended up calling the psychiatrists the last time I spoke to him to let them know I had no Dr's and that he was worried I had no support. Im not to happy with that part of the report where she mentions I should keep calling the psychiatrists to push it, as the mental health practitioner has already done it

Still not heard nothing.

I've not long got up sleeping was bad last night was awake till 3am then awake at 6 when the over thinking starts worrying about work etc.

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## Paula

But maybe you calling the psychiatrist would actually push things along

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## Suzi

All you can do is call them and try asking for a cancellation or something?

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## john82

Gave them a call waiting on a call back from a band 7 nurse. The lady on the phone said I'm on a waiting list for a nurse and it was due to be discussed at the next meeting.

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## Suzi

Well that's really positive. Well done for calling.

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john82 (21-10-20)

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## Strugglingmum

That's good news

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john82 (21-10-20)

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## john82

No call back today  :(think):  at least I can say I'm doing everything they advised

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## Suzi

They are likely to only have 1 multidisciplinary team meeting a week, so it's unlikely you'll hear back for a week or so.... Be patient. 
Have you started talking to your wife yet?

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## john82

Just had a catch up with work which has left me feeling down.

They asked what I'd been doing etc to try and leave the house which made me feel sick & awful. 

He mentioned the report was positive and especially the bit about returning to work in weeks rather than no return date. 

He's set me off panicking as he mentioned trying works validium services again who I've used previous a few years ago the guy admitted he didn't have enough sessions with me to help enough and when I was at my lowest at Christmas night I called them asking for support and they basically told me it was beyond what they could offer so my impression of them isn't great but I'll give it another go if it helps. 

He mentioned that there's got to get to a point where if they've exhausted all there options then there would come a point where they'd ask if I was able to furfill my contract. 

I just feel so crap after the call like I told him I'm crying out for support doing what there telling me to do but there's nothing there.

----------


## Stella180

All you can do right now is engage in all the support being offered to you. It might actually help you to get better. Ok, so things didn't go well last time with Vilidium but things are different now and maybe something will click into place.

Your employer is right, there has to be a point where either you are able to return to work or they have to let you go but there are a few more steps to try before that happens so don't be bullied by them. Also if you do reach a stalemate DO NOT resign. They will tell you that you have to cos you aren't living up to contractual duties but thats not true. In fact to terminate your contract grounds of incapacity they have to pay you any accued holiday and 1 weeks pay for each full year you have been in their employment (you may need to check that with your union rep or CAB) but if you resign you get nothing.

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## john82

Thanks I'll call validium tomorrow I'm open to anything.

I just hate the way it's left me feeling worthless, feeling sick like it's knocked me for six. Then it brings back me thinking all the negative thoughts like it's inevitable.

----------


## Suzi

I can understand that this feels like a negative point of view, but you're being offered other counselling services. If you're offered it, take it. 
He does raise valid questions about what you are doing to help push yourself to go out etc. That's a relevant question. What are you doing? 
Have you started talking to your OH yet?

----------


## john82

> I can understand that this feels like a negative point of view, but you're being offered other counselling services. If you're offered it, take it. 
> He does raise valid questions about what you are doing to help push yourself to go out etc. That's a relevant question. What are you doing? 
> Have you started talking to your OH yet?


Well I was just hoping the nurse would help push me or offer some advice. I've lost the support of the mental health practitioner and it felt like he was the only one that understood how I was feeling.

My partner knows I struggle with my anxiety but hasn't offered much support tbh half the time I feel like I deal with it on my own. Today I could of done with speaking to somebody so spoke to her about it, she listens but doesn't offer any advice. My parents don't know what to say to help and I get the impression my sister just wants to avoid talking about the whole situation and how I'm feeling. My so called friends from work no longer check up on me.

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## Paula

Id definitely talk to Citizens Advice for information on your rights

----------


## john82

> I’d definitely talk to Citizens Advice for information on your rights


I'm in the union at work joined about 4 months ago not that I've used them for anything.

----------


## Paula

Why not?

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## john82

> Why not?


As I didn't want to annoy work and I'm not even sure how they could help

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## Stella180

Get in touch with your rep. They are there to support you in meetings and advise you of your rights. You’re paying for the service so make use of it. It will only annoy your employers if they aren’t sticking to the rules and if that were the case you would definitely need your rep by your side.

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## john82

> Get in touch with your rep. They are there to support you in meetings and advise you of your rights. You’re paying for the service so make use of it. It will only annoy your employers if they aren’t sticking to the rules and if that were the case you would definitely need your rep by your side.


I just didn't think they could do alot atm as I've not really had any meetings with anyone just a phone call once every 3-4 weeks to ask how I'm doing etc

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## Paula

They can definitely point you in the right direction. And unions are there for you - not your employer!

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## john82

> They can definitely point you in the right direction. And unions are there for you - not your employer!


I was scared of getting on the wrong side with work.

I'm going to call our local doctors tomorrow and see what I need to do to get to see someone as I'm not happy with the buspirone as I don't really feel like it's helping me and I'm up to 30mg. My other tabs have been good my moods generally been good apart from today.

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## Paula

I really dont get why you think itd affect how your employer feels about you. They must have recognised the union and therefore understand they are there to support employees. And youre not going straight into taking them to a tribunal or something, all you would be doing is finding out from your union what your rights are and how the union rep could potentially help you with the right outcome IF there are any issues. What is the point of being in a union if you wont use their services and ask for their advice?

Please read this from gov.uk, it briefly explains what a union rep does

https://www.gov.uk/join-trade-union/...rade-union-rep

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Stella180 (28-10-20)

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## john82

> I really don’t get why you think it’d affect how your employer feels about you. They must have recognised the union and therefore understand they are there to support employees. And you’re not going straight into taking them to a tribunal or something, all you would be doing is finding out from your union what your rights are and how the union rep could potentially help you with the right outcome IF there are any issues. What is the point of being in a union if you won’t use their services and ask for their advice?
> 
> Please read this from gov.uk, it briefly explains what a union rep does
> 
> https://www.gov.uk/join-trade-union/...rade-union-rep


I wouldn't know what to ask the union rep atm

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## Paula

Explain the call you had today and ask what next steps, if any, theyd recommend. Youre not committing to anything, just getting advice

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## Suzi

> Well I was just hoping the nurse would help push me or offer some advice. I've lost the support of the mental health practitioner and it felt like he was the only one that understood how I was feeling.
> 
> My partner knows I struggle with my anxiety but hasn't offered much support tbh half the time I feel like I deal with it on my own. Today I could of done with speaking to somebody so spoke to her about it, she listens but doesn't offer any advice. My parents don't know what to say to help and I get the impression my sister just wants to avoid talking about the whole situation and how I'm feeling. My so called friends from work no longer check up on me.


Have you told her that you want her point of view and advice? Is this the first time you've really talked to her and told her how you are feeling? 
When was the last time you called to check in on one of your friends? It goes both ways love. 

What have you done this week to get out of the house? 
What about keeping that mood diary I've suggested a few times? 
Or downloaded an app such as headspace? 
What about used one of the helplines either by phone such as the Samaritans or by text such as shout?

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## john82

> Have you told her that you want her point of view and advice? Is this the first time you've really talked to her and told her how you are feeling? 
> When was the last time you called to check in on one of your friends? It goes both ways love. 
> 
> What have you done this week to get out of the house? 
> What about keeping that mood diary I've suggested a few times? 
> Or downloaded an app such as headspace? 
> What about used one of the helplines either by phone such as the Samaritans or by text such as shout?


Ive been using head's pace for the past few months to help sleep at night. 

I don't see the point in contacting friends as they don't know what to say half the time. 

Went shopping with my partner but stayed in the car as it was really busy and she had to que to get in. Can't really go anywhere due to lockdown 2 

I was keeping a mood diary but it was the same everyday and very repetitive. 

Called validium like OH suggested they can't offer any sessions atm until the cpn do something as it might be a conflict?? 

Worried now work will just say that's it if they can't help. 

No phone call back from the cedars I don't know why I bother half the time. 

Monday I'm going to call the cedars centre again. 
Email my manager with a new sick note and let him know what validium said. 

Call Acas and ask them some bits about work.

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## Suzi

Sometimes you have to push yourself to do things which aren't things you feel comfortable with - as in keeping the mood diary... It might not be fun but you need to do it. Contact your friends just to say hi and maybe see how they are? 
What about before lockdown 2? Were you trying to go into the shops at all then?

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## john82

> Sometimes you have to push yourself to do things which aren't things you feel comfortable with - as in keeping the mood diary... It might not be fun but you need to do it. Contact your friends just to say hi and maybe see how they are? 
> What about before lockdown 2? Were you trying to go into the shops at all then?


I went shopping last week with my partner aldi and morrisons this week was way too busy for me plus the queing at the entrance put me off. 

My parents have moved into the village so I've walked up a few times with my partner and dog

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## Suzi

That's great, what about the mood diary? Keep an activity diary too so you can see what you are doing during the day.... 
What about calling friends etc?

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## john82

> That's great, what about the mood diary? Keep an activity diary too so you can see what you are doing during the day.... 
> What about calling friends etc?


I speak to a friend quite regular and he understands. The reason I don't get in contact with others is because the last time I did they suggested meeting up for a meal, which isn't going to happen at the moment.

The rest just don't know what to say and you can feel the awkwardness, then they all ask the same question so when you coming back to work

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## Stella180

You know you can say no. That you aren’t ready for that yet. People won’t understand if you don’t tell them. Hooking up to go for a walk and a chat will help you.

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john82 (10-11-20)

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## Suzi

Stella is right you know...

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## Paula

Have you tried talking to your friends about their lives? Get involved in their lives again? Talk about what you talked about before you became ill?

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## john82

> Have you tried talking to your friends about their lives? Get involved in their lives again? Talk about what you talked about before you became ill?


No I've not tried tbh. 

I stopped talking to them when I was depressed then all the thoughts of well there not bothered anyway start going round my head. 

We've a WhatsApp group and I've not replied on there for a very long time as I feel I can't be seen to be having a laugh with them as it might give off the wrong impression and people would comment well he sounds OK he's been having a laugh etc. 

Called the Psychiatrist yesterday they actually called me Friday just past but on a withheld number for a chat which I missed. I'm still on a waiting list but the lady said she's emailed the team lead and there going to send a letter out next time there going to call.

Spoke to validium yesterday as well just to confirm why they can't give me any sessions as I've got to update work as I've now got my sick note to email in.

Woke up a few times during the night with bad dreams worrying about work etc woke up with the sickness feeling again

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## Paula

If you look around this forum, youll see that we are always having a laugh, joking around with each other. Enjoying time with friends is an important part of recovery. Chat with your friends, hunni, it really will help

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Strugglingmum (10-11-20)

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## Suzi

Paula's right. Just because you have diagnosed depression doesn't mean you can't laugh and have fun with friends....

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Strugglingmum (10-11-20)

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## Strugglingmum

^^^^^^what they said

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## Stella180

If it wasn’t for my sense of humour I’d be 6 ft under by now. Clinical depression doesn’t mean you can’t be happy and enjoy time with friends and family. It’s these things that keep us going.

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Paula (10-11-20)

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## Suzi

You know what I mean... Obviously it gets in the way, but there are times when you can enjoy time with others too....

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## john82

Thought I'd update I feel like I've been making progress I've started going up to my parents house with my partner and have been going for walks with sister or partner.

Spoke to work today which went really well until he put a little pressure by setting me a date to aim for 10th January. 

I'm going back on overnights as there's no jobs on days anymore in one way I'm glad as it's all familiar but I'm worried I'll start to feel down again. 

Aiming to nip into work tomorrow night to see a friend but I've been here before and bottled it.

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## Paula

One step at a time. Its wonderful youve started getting out and about. Id say, dont focus too hard on 10th January for now, its a while off yet. Just keep doing what youre doing, gradually doing a bit more and see how you get on

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## Strugglingmum

That is all really positive. You are doing so well. Little steps at a time

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## john82

> One step at a time. It’s wonderful you’ve started getting out and about. I’d say, don’t focus too hard on 10th January for now, it’s a while off yet. Just keep doing what you’re doing, gradually doing a bit more and see how you get on


Thanks 

Im still struggling going out but it's getting easier.

I'm feeling quite down this evening worrying about work etc also with Christmas coming up I'm constantly thinking about how I was last year

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## Stella180

Christmas is always a tough time of the year for me. I’ve kind of come to terms with that now. I hope you can look for the positives and ignore the stress that the Christmas period brings.

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john82 (10-12-20)

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## Suzi

Thing is we are all different people than we were last year - every single person on the face of the planet is. We've been living through a global pandemic which has changed pretty much everything... I know it's a fairly simplistic way of looking at things, but it's true...

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## john82

Thought I'd do an update.

I've not been too bad considering I'm dreading Christmas and it brings back memories of how I felt last year. 

Had a tough few days as I've tried to go into work twice but got in to the car park saw the queue and drove straight back out as its really busy.

Spoke to the cpn nurse as my anxiety is building as I'm aware the date set by work is approaching and I still can't get in the store. She told me to speak to work about putting the date back till the end of January after the Christmas rush has died down then have another go at trying to go in. I'm abit worried how to put this to to work.

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## Paula

If youre not ready, it would just make things worse to go in. The sooner you tell work, the better prepared they can be

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john82 (23-12-20)

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## Strugglingmum

^^^^^^^^wss

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john82 (23-12-20)

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## Stella180

Just tell them that the stress of the festive period is too much for you coming straight back into that but once things calm down in the new year would be better all round. They have an obligation to help you back into work and this is the sensible first step. If they have a date to work with I’m sure they can give you a few days grace but they would need to know sooner rather than later.

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john82 (23-12-20)

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## john82

I'm going to email him later today although I keep putting it off.

Hoping to put it back 2 weeks and go back the last week of January, so I can go into work twice a week in the run up after the festive season

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## Suzi

Hi John, lovely to see you again. Sorry you've been struggling, but I think the suggestion about putting it back seems more than sensible considering all the factors at play atm. How are things with your partner? Have you started talking to her about things yet?

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## john82

> Hi John, lovely to see you again. Sorry you've been struggling, but I think the suggestion about putting it back seems more than sensible considering all the factors at play atm. How are things with your partner? Have you started talking to her about things yet?


Hi sorry for the late reply been trying to keep busy all day. 

Things are okay the usual tbh we have good days and bad she had the hump last night as a friend from work called who I haven't spoken to for a long time and because I was on the phone for around an hour  :(:  that's what I have to deal with!

She knows I've been anxious but it feels like a waste of time and I get the impression she's fed up hearing about it.

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## Suzi

Have you spoken to her about it?

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## john82

> Have you spoken to her about it?


I tell her most days but never really get any response, I tell her I'm worried about work etc nothing. A bit of reassurance would be nice but nothing half the time it's like I'm talking to myself. 


Tbh I've kinda given up which is why I'm most likely finding it easier to talk on here to strangers! Crazy isn't it

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## Stella180

And they don’t come much stranger than us lol. I totally get it, I found it hard to talk to people close to me too but then the strangers on the forum became my friends and that shifted the balance. I think the people here know more about me and my life than anyone else.

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john82 (25-12-20)

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## Strugglingmum

Quite often I find it easier to talk to people who are a bit separated from my situation. I think(hope) it's quite normal and understandable

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john82 (25-12-20)

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## john82

Hi all hope you all had a Happy New Year.

Been struggling the last week since lockdown can't seem to get that out of my head it's just made my anxiety worse waking up feeling sick just thinking about going out its been tough just to get out of bed. 

Cpn nurses haven't been great I've missed there calls the last 2 times now told them before it would help if I knew when they were going to call or at least try and call me back? 

I'm not sure if I'd be allowed to request an appointment with the mental health practitioner? As he was great and I've a million things going round my head atm.

I've had work calling again I missed there call and for the past 5 days I've switched my phone off as I can't deal with it.

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## Suzi

Hi John. If you're missing calls then they can refer you back to your GP because you aren't "engaging." They aren't always often to try calling another time as the demand for their services far outweigh the time they have.... 
Have you tried calling them back?

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## john82

> Hi John. If you're missing calls then they can refer you back to your GP because you aren't "engaging." They aren't always often to try calling another time as the demand for their services far outweigh the time they have.... 
> Have you tried calling them back?


They always call off an unknown number so I can't call them back very frustrating. I called the centre a few months ago and they said they'd send out a letter with a date and time they were going to call but they've not. All I get is a voicemail saying they'll call again in 2 weeks

----------


## Suzi

Then can you not call the number of the centre and explain the difficulties you are having? Surely that's better than risking being sent back to your GP and having to start all over again? Remind me, are you taking meds atm? Have you been able to talk to your wife about how things are honestly yet?

----------


## john82

> Then can you not call the number of the centre and explain the difficulties you are having? Surely that's better than risking being sent back to your GP and having to start all over again? Remind me, are you taking meds atm? Have you been able to talk to your wife about how things are honestly yet?


Ive called the centre back before but its just a receptionist and they can't put you through, they were the ones who asked if I'd like to receive a letter next time. 

Yep I'm on my meds brintellix and buspirone and some cbd oil also essential oils in a Diffuser at night  :(y):  anything that might help.

Was looking at weighted blankets as well has anyone tried them? 

I've not got a wife and yes she knows I'm struggling.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry, partner, not wife. It's just that last time I'm sure you said you hadn't told her honestly and openly how things were for you. 
Is it worth seeing someone in your team just to let them know how much you are struggling and get them to look at your meds etc?

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## john82

> Sorry, partner, not wife. It's just that last time I'm sure you said you hadn't told her honestly and openly how things were for you. 
> Is it worth seeing someone in your team just to let them know how much you are struggling and get them to look at your meds etc?


She knows I've spoken to her just get the impression she's sick of hearing it tbh. 

Mentioned about going into work one night again and all I got is well you'll have to go on your own then it was well I'm not going in waste of time tbh. 

I don't really have a team

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## Suzi

I'd be surprised if she meant it as that it'd be a waste of time, especially if she knew how much this was affecting you.. 

You have a Dr, CPN Mental Health specialist Nurse, I thought you had occupational health too - I can't remember if you had a psych etc? That makes a team imho...

----------


## john82

> I'd be surprised if she meant it as that it'd be a waste of time, especially if she knew how much this was affecting you.. 
> 
> You have a Dr, CPN Mental Health specialist Nurse, I thought you had occupational health too - I can't remember if you had a psych etc? That makes a team imho...


I know but sometimes it doesn't help with the comments she makes,always negative.

The Dr doesn't really do anything. 

The cpn nurse has been different everytime they've called. 

I had an occupational health assessment over the phone but no contact since and no help from them as I was waiting for the cpn nurse.I suspect that was just for works benefit. 

The last comment I got from work was you had your OH assessment at the end of Oct and she said you'd be back in a few weeks,which was rubbish as I told her I was waiting on the cpn and wasn't sure how long it would take.

----------


## Suzi

Maybe you could call the Dr/CMHT and try to get something more in place?

----------


## john82

> Maybe you could call the Dr/CMHT and try to get something more in place?


I might call the cpn place tomos and ask again about them letting me know when there going to call me etc

Not looking forward to talking to work, again lockdown has ruined my plans in getting out etc and put my anxiety back up, feeling a bit fed up atm as soon as I take a step forward something else gets in the way.

----------


## Suzi

Definitely call the CMHT and see if they can give you an appointment - even if it's a day and a am/pm kind of thing... 

Could you try building up going out by going out for a walk?

----------


## john82

Well another missed call from pn nurse yesterday I don't see the point in them was getting on better with the mental health practitioner at least I had set appointmens.

Been continuing to go for walks tying to ignore the news and papers with the covid updates. 

Got a pip extension letter yesterday until Jan 2024 but that has stressed me out and now I'm thinking there going to take it away from me any moment after reading on some support groups mosr people have had then, then get a review letter a few weeks later.

----------


## Suzi

Both my husband and I got PIP extension letters too, so don't worry about things before they happen if you can... 
How did you miss the call again?

----------


## john82

> Both my husband and I got PIP extension letters too, so don't worry about things before they happen if you can... 
> How did you miss the call again?


Ive had my phone switched off all week as I don't feel like talking to anyone minds been racing all week,feeling quite low atm still taking my meds, trying to stay positive but it's hard with everything that's going on and the feeling nobodys interested or cares. 

Mentioned going into work tonight just to help with getting out etc and all my partner has done is moan & been unsupportive. 

Was told again that I'd get a letter telling me when they're going to call but nothing.

----------


## Suzi

Can you not give them a different phone number which someone else could answer? It just seems that people are trying to contact you and therefore in turn to help you, but you aren't allowing them to do so because you've got your phone turned off.

----------


## Strugglingmum

I guess it's hard for your cpn to contact you if your phone is turned off. 2024 is ages away but reviews are still happening eventually so if you're due one it will happen probably later in the year. 
Are you getting out for a walk at all for some fresh air??

----------


## john82

I'll call them again Monday just fed up with not knowing when they'll call it sets me off worrying and I've found it easier to just shut it all off.

Yes I've been getting out most days now I have to otherwise it gets hard again to get out. I just can't seem to cope with busy places that's the next step I guess.

Feeling abit isolated atm I don't know why my mood seems to be down lately, even went in the garage tonight to exercise but I'm still feeling low

----------


## Paula

With the best will in the world, youre not their only patient. Even when appointments are made, no one can guarantee theyll be on time, particularly as tough things are in the nhs - many health professionals have been reassigned to help with the covid crisis, leaving other departments severely short staffed.  If you want to speak to them, youre going to have to engage properly, switch your phone on and be prepared to talk to them whenever they are able.

----------

john82 (23-01-21),Suzi (24-01-21)

----------


## john82

Finally got a review/appointment with a Dr next week with the lady said its to do with cpn and a review.

This week hasn't been great not feeling like eating or exercising which I usually look forward to, I've been finding I go in the garage and I end up just sitting there with all sorts of thoughts/ideas going round my head.

Trying to remain positive but I'm feeling constantly drained all the time atm

----------


## Suzi

It's been a while since we've seen you. Great news you've an appointment next week. Have you spoken to anyone at the CMHT yet? I know last time we spoke to you they had tried calling and you were ignoring them....

----------


## john82

> It's been a while since we've seen you. Great news you've an appointment next week. Have you spoken to anyone at the CMHT yet? I know last time we spoke to you they had tried calling and you were ignoring them....


Hi I know feel bad for posting on here again.

Yes I've spoken to them a few times not to keen on the fact it's somebody different all the time.

I'm nervous about the call last Dr I spoke to was useless and kept asking me what I wanted them to do. I just want to know what the hells going on with me and why I'm up & down all the time

----------


## Suzi

Why do you feel bad for posting? 
Have you asked for a regular person to talk to? Have you been referred to see a psychiatrist?

----------


## john82

> Why do you feel bad for posting? 
> Have you asked for a regular person to talk to? Have you been referred to see a psychiatrist?


I just do, him again posting etc.

No I haven't asked doesn't help that the mental health practitioner at the doctors was brilliant so I'm comparing them to him.

I'm waiting for the letter but the lady said I had an appointment next week with a Dr from the centre so I'm not sure.

----------


## Paula

Ask, love, they wont know its a problem for you unless you tell them.....

----------


## Suzi

Don't feel bad for posting, it's what we're here for  :O:  

Definitely tell them that it's something you are struggling with. If you don't tell, they don't know.......

----------


## john82

I will do next week,trying to keep busy today cut the grass tidied up the garden,Cant shake the negative thoughts today

----------


## Suzi

Well done for sorting the garden and getting out in the fresh air! 
Keep trying to distract and refocus lovely...

----------

john82 (20-03-21)

----------


## john82

So spoke to a Dr this morning did the usual and as usual recommended more medication to help me sleep. 

No news on Cpn just going to Continue to get phone calls.

Tbh I'm thinking it's just a big waste of time and I'm getting sick of it.

----------


## Suzi

How do you feel about the medication increase? 
Why do you think it's a waste of time? There is no magic answer. You didn't get poorly overnight, it's going to take a while to get better... But to do that you have to put in every single bit of self help and self care you can. Eat properly, drink properly, get out for a walk each day, talk to those around you, take the calls from the CMHT....

----------


## john82

> How do you feel about the medication increase? 
> Why do you think it's a waste of time? There is no magic answer. You didn't get poorly overnight, it's going to take a while to get better... But to do that you have to put in every single bit of self help and self care you can. Eat properly, drink properly, get out for a walk each day, talk to those around you, take the calls from the CMHT....


I didn't feel like he listened to me tbh everything's always ok well increase this or start you on that.

I was hoping for an update on the cpn and got my hopes up for that

----------


## Suzi

What kind of update did you think you'd get? It is "just" a case of waiting until you're at the top of the list. 
What was he suggesting to increase and which to start?

----------


## john82

> What kind of update did you think you'd get? It is "just" a case of waiting until you're at the top of the list. 
> What was he suggesting to increase and which to start?


Well I was told it was to do with the cpn when I called the centre last week so got my hopes up.

I can't remember the name of the stuff he's sending it out in the post so should be here in a couple of days it's to help me sleep and make me feel more positive idk.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry, I don't understand what you mean about it being to do with the cpn?

----------


## john82

When I called the centre last week the lady said over the phone the appointment was to do with the cpn nurse but it turns out she was wrong it was just a review

----------


## Suzi

Ahh ok, that makes more sense. Have you spoken to them at the CMHT about a regular CPN or a regular appointment?

----------


## john82

No I'm waiting on a call this week.

When I called the centre last week I said my phone doesn't accept private numbers and i won't answer.

She said she'd put a note to let them know and that It shouldn't happen anymore, when I spoke to th Dr today he said I can request a letter so I'll know when there going to call which would be better as stops me worrying

----------


## Suzi

Is there no way that you can take the calls as I know that the CMHT my husband was under couldn't call without it being a private number....

----------


## Paula

How are you?

----------


## john82

Recieved the medication today its Aripiprazole 5mg says to take in the morning but I'm sure he said take it at night to help me sleep.

I'm not to bad today was a struggle getting out of bed but that because I was awake till 4am

----------


## Suzi

If you're not sure re the meds, give them a call and check. It'd be good to do that asap and so you can start them this weekend...

----------


## john82

Spoke to the nurse last week about the Aripiprazole and she was surprised I've been given that as she knows it to cause insomnia not to everyone but alot of people she's helped.

Received the Dr's notes today from the review half the stuff he never asked me that's been written down told him I'd been struggling with my moods etc and he's put in good health no S.. Thoughts and understands illness which is the opposite of what I was saying as I was telling him I'm very frustrated at not knowing what's going on.

----------


## Suzi

Can you call the Dr to ask them to explain?

----------


## john82

> Can you call the Dr to ask them to explain?


So I've spoken to the nurse again this week as I've noticed my anxiety is quite bad feeling abit lost this week.

Mentioned the report from the Dr and she offered to change bits but I just wanted them to know half the stuff he never asked me.

Told the nurse about my moods being all over the place. Mind seems to be running away with its self atm.

Not felt like doing much this week didn't want to go see my gf's parents as just wanted some quiet time and to not feel like I have to pretend to be happy.

----------


## Suzi

Have you thought about logging in more often and getting some of these thoughts out of your head. It's helped so many people. Also being a bigger part of the whole community really helps too.

----------


## john82

> Have you thought about logging in more often and getting some of these thoughts out of your head. It's helped so many people. Also being a bigger part of the whole community really helps too.


I have thought about it but I'm always posting negative stuff and I don't want to be a burden although I already do for posting all the time.

----------


## Stella180

you're not a burden. Thats what the forum is here for, so you can expreess yourself in a safe place. We all know what it's like cos we all have similar issues.

----------


## Suzi

The thing is, you might find that by joining in more, being here more, making friends that actually it makes some of the negativity less and you will find some positives. It'd be good to challenge yourself for things like the Friday Fab 5's etc...

----------


## john82

Hi all hope your doing well.

It's been a while since i updated,need to get a few things off my chest

So since i last wrote on here ive managed to get back to work  (only 2 shifts in)

I was doing well but i've not been getting much support from the mental health team who are supposed to ring me every 2 weeks (its been 5) the records 8 weeks.

I've still not managed to pluck up the courage and join the doctors in the village so im currently without a Dr.

Just found out today that my boss is being moved who ive worked with for 12 years and who i recently did my return plan with & is the one doing my checks every fortnite which has left me feeling sick all day and very low.

----------


## Suzi

Hi, it's good to hear how you have been getting on. 
Well done on getting back to work, that's a huge achievement from when you weren't able to go there to get a chocolate bar! 
Have you made contact with the MH team to clarify why there's been such gaps in support - are they calling and you've still got your phone switched off for example? 

What is involved in joining your Drs? You really do need to be with a GP. Can you try and make that your target for the coming weeks? 

Sorry to hear about your boss, do you know who will be his replacement?

----------


## Paula

Hi,love, great to see you! 

Have you always struggled to access GP services?

----------


## john82

Hey, I started by going into work once a week then slowly increased it was tough and still is.

I've had no kissed calls from them when I last spoke to them I had a go at the lady as its always somebody different, I mentioned how they never call and it feels like I've just been forgotten.

I've filled the doctors forms in I just need to go down there with 2 forms of I'd but because it's a new place I've just put it off.

I'm gutted about my boss he was one 9f the reasons I went back on nights I seem to struggle massively with my friends leaving I just can't seem to cope with it.

I can get my tablets via the NHS app so I'm not going to run out

----------


## Suzi

Do they leave a message if your phone is off? Have you given them permission to do so? 

Why not grab that bull and go and hand in the forms? I know you can do it. I know it's hard when it's somewhere new, but you really can do this. Having a GP is much more than a repeat prescription - and I was sure that each prescription has to be signed by a GP?
Do you know why you struggle with friends leaving?

----------


## john82

My phones not been off I've actually wanted to talk to them as I feel like I could do with the support atm.

I don't know why I struggle with friends leaving it was the same at school etc it just sets me off on a downward spiral I stop eating as I feel sick all the time with worry

----------


## Paula

What worries go through your head?

----------


## Suzi

It's a huge positive that you've been keeping your phone on. Well done. 

Can you call them and chase it? 
How are things with your partner atm?

----------


## john82

I'm just worried I'm being left on my own, everyone's making progress and I'm stuck not knowing what to do etc.It sets me off thinking negative thoughts it all gets too much what's the point as it all just keeps coming. I'm Constantly feeling sick worrying what the other person's going to be like knowing it won't be the same.

We had our ups & downs over the last 2 years but he actually cared how I was and would regularly check up on me and I felt comfortable talking to him about how I was feeling.

It just feels like I'm getting nowhere with the cpn like I said its a different person all the time which I hate I really miss the mental health practitioner I was seeing at my old doctors as he understood and told me what I could do. 

My partners okay she's a bit worried she's trying to talk to me but I just don't feel like saying much as I'm worrying as I've gone quiet again am restless not knowing what to do, don't feel like eating I'm back in work later but its the sitting around waiting which is the worst thing. 

I don't feel like doing anything but have to keep busy to keep my mind occupied and stop thinking about work doesn't make much sense

----------


## Suzi

I know it's really tough when people move on and you don't. You are making progress, it wasn't long ago that you had your phone switched off and you couldn't even think about going to your place of work. 

Call the CMHT and tell them that you're struggling with the gaps and the different people etc. 

Do you have any hobbies? Is there anything you can do to help pass the time between showers?

----------


## john82

> I know it's really tough when people move on and you don't. You are making progress, it wasn't long ago that you had your phone switched off and you couldn't even think about going to your place of work. 
> 
> Call the CMHT and tell them that you're struggling with the gaps and the different people etc. 
> 
> Do you have any hobbies? Is there anything you can do to help pass the time between showers?


Thing is I told the last person who called that I was beginning to regret going Dr's and getting a cpn as it feels like I've been forgotten. I explained that I found it hard when they weren't calling every 2 weeks anymore and the fact it was somebody different everytime and it felt like they were just going through the motions and couldn't wait to get off the phone. 

I enjoy exercising in my garage but that's stopped at the moment due to what's going on currently I've lost all motivation to do it.

----------


## Suzi

What's going on which is causing you to lose motivation?

----------


## john82

> What's going on which is causing you to lose motivation?


I just feel sick with worry like I said I can't cope when close friends leave etc that's set me off I wish I knew more tbh or why it keeps making me feel so down.

I just don't feel like eating or taking care of myself everything goes out the window

----------


## Suzi

Maybe that's something that you could go to something like relate to work through this?

----------


## john82

> Maybe that's something that you could go to something like relate to work through this?


I don't get what you mean?

Just finished another shift works fine once I'm there it's all the build up to it etc.

----------


## Paula

Have you eaten yet this morning?

----------


## Suzi

I mean that you struggling when people move on is something that could, potentially, be explored and helped through an organisation such as relate who specialise in relationship counselling. You can go as a single person and they can help...

----------


## john82

> Have you eaten yet this morning?


No not yet partners made me a cup of tea woke up and instantly started to panic and worry feeling sick.

I've not heard of relate, sure they'll prob just say it's mental health problems

----------


## Paula

Relate are a counselling organisation that specifically deal with relationship counselling. They arent a mental health organisation and are not in the business of diagnosing, just trying to help people through their worries and problems.

----------

Suzi (23-07-21)

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## john82

> Relate are a counselling organisation that specifically deal with relationship counselling. They aren’t a mental health organisation and are not in the business of diagnosing, just trying to help people through their worries and problems.


Is that something that could help?

----------


## Paula

Possibly. It worked for me in dealing with my divorce. Surely worth investigating?

----------


## Suzi

You might as well try - surely it's better to try?

----------


## john82

Found out this morning from my friend that he handed his notice in this morning so in the space of 3 weeks since ive been back ive lost/loosing my two main supports.

Worked with both for 14 years, only just getting over boss leaving 2 weeks ago

Its always one step forward and two steps back!

----------


## Suzi

I'm sorry that your friend is leaving. It might be a way of looking at it positively that you might get to make new friends?

----------


## john82

> I'm sorry that your friend is leaving. It might be a way of looking at it positively that you might get to make new friends?


I speak to alot of people where I work it's just there was a close few and now it seems I'm the only one left having just returned.

I can't help but feel maybe I should have left having now worked there 20 years,but I don't think I'd cope in a new place.

Spoke to cpn who ring me every 2 weeks and he says it's my social side I need to look at.

----------


## Suzi

Oh it's great you have got to speak to a CPN regularly. 
Have you thought about leaving and moving somewhere different?

----------


## john82

> Oh it's great you have got to speak to a CPN regularly. 
> Have you thought about leaving and moving somewhere different?


The cpn rang at the right time after I've not heard from them for around 4-5 weeks.

I've thought about leaving before as I feel embarrassed about the job I do. At the moment I'm struggling to do more than 3 hours I'm just trying to get comfortable with all the changes etc before gradually upping my hours but things like this don't help at all.

I'm the last one of our group left on nights now everybody else has gone onto bigger better things which makes me feel like a failure.

----------


## Suzi

Why do you feel embarrassed about the job you do? 
Just because others have left to do other things why do you think that makes you a failure? You're trying to battle chronic illness whilst also working. That makes you definitely not a failure if you ask me.

----------


## john82

> Why do you feel embarrassed about the job you do? 
> Just because others have left to do other things why do you think that makes you a failure? You're trying to battle chronic illness whilst also working. That makes you definitely not a failure if you ask me.


Ive always felt embarrassed about the job, parents were never happy with me working there.

I'm not sure I think it sets me off thinking I'm a failure, maybe it's me feeling trapped there.

Had a bad night trying to sleep waking up thinking and panicking about work again and going over the conversation I had with my friend. Its affected my mood alot feeling really low and down.

Was supposed to be going to meet my old boss today with him as we did a collection but I just don't feel up to it now.

----------


## Paula

I havent been able to work for 15 years because of my mental health. I understand how you feel, I felt the same for a long time. But Ive come to realise that my life is more than just a job, and that I am now able to give my energy to what matters in my life. You are working, and youre also working in a way that helps you deal with your mental health and therefore will mean you too can give your energy to what is really important in your life, once you are stable - and you WILL be stable.

----------


## Suzi

Have you thought anymore about relationship counselling to help you work through the devastation you feel when your friends move jobs? 
My husband hasn't been able to work for a long time regarding his mental health, neither have I due to caring for him or my own physical health. Have you thought about some kind of online study or something to help with your self esteem? There are loads of great free courses out there? It might also help you feel that you are doing something to be moving forward too. 
Go and meet your old boss, you said that they were a friend, so go and do something social. You don't have to stay long....

----------


## john82

I often think about just stopping work and hiding away again but then comes all the stress with bills and the thought of losing pip getting ESA every year is just to much.

I sometimes think I've just got to carry on going into work and eventually things will get easier, but that doesn't stop the nausea feeling.

I've just been round to see my dad for 2 hours with the dog had to get out but now I'm back home the thinking and worrying starts over.

I'm going to try that place tomorrow was only just getting my head round my boss moving on etc but just didn't see this coming from my friend who only last week was calming me down etc saying he's not going anywhere.

I can't help but feel selfish and hate the way I'm feeling as I should be happy that he's moving on and trying to better himself it's just the thought I'm going to lose that friend who I'd talk to about most things and didn't judge me.

Friends messaged again asking if I want to go with him but I just think it'll upset me and would rather hide away. 
Sorry for the long post

----------


## Suzi

Nothing to be sorry for. 
Keep talking. It helps to get it all out of your head. Did you talk to your Dad about how you are feeling?

----------


## john82

> Nothing to be sorry for. 
> Keep talking. It helps to get it all out of your head. Did you talk to your Dad about how you are feeling?


No I didn't talk to him about how I feel that's something we've never really done.

Decided to meet my friends at the pub, thought it's Something I needed to do as I'll regret it not saying bye to old boss picked my friend up on the way. Enjoyed it talking about the last 14 years and were going to meet up again soon.

----------


## Suzi

Well done for getting out socially! That's really huge, and even better that you want to do it again!

----------


## john82

> Well done for getting out socially! That's really huge, and even better that you want to do it again!


I want to stay in touch with him hoping one day he'll move back to the store.

Felt good but as soon as I've come home the sickness feeling starts and I can't control it. 

Sister & husband +kids wants me and my partner to go Warwick Castle with them tomorrow so we've just booked that on the spur of the moment.

----------


## john82

Regretting booking the trip now I've been unable to sleep all night panicking about going there, leaving dog with parents and now I'm worried I've just wasted £64 as we're supposed to be leaving at 8am.

Why is it the more you want to sleep you can't switch off and you then start clock watching and panicking more as your running out of time.

----------


## Suzi

How are you this morning? Did you make the trip?

----------


## Paula

I love Warwick Castle. I hope you manage to get there, and have fun

----------


## john82

I've not long woke up, really tired,was hoping we'd just cancel it tbh but my partner wants to go

----------


## Suzi

You're going to be tired after not sleeping properly. Getting out, some fresh air, some social stuff might actually be good?

One strategy my husband has always found useful is hiding behind the camera - maybe it's something you could try?

----------


## john82

> You're going to be tired after not sleeping properly. Getting out, some fresh air, some social stuff might actually be good?
> 
> One strategy my husband has always found useful is hiding behind the camera - maybe it's something you could try?


Well we went and I had a fantastic day took lots of pictures definitely a day to remember.

I'm sat at home now trying to stay awake a little longer.

----------


## Paula

Im so glad you had a good day  :):

----------


## Suzi

That's brilliant! So pleased for you! 2 social things, both really enjoyed! Well done love!

----------


## john82

Thank you.

I'm trying to stay positive but I still woke up feeling impending doom, nausea, panicking straight away thinking about work and my friend leaving  :(sweat):

----------


## john82

So I plucked up the courage to call relate this afternoon had a nice chat with a lady who explained everything, sadly its not something I can afford at the moment on reduce hours, think she said it was £55 for an assessment then £40+ for an appointment.

----------


## Paula

This may not be appropriate now, but when I went to Relate years ago as a single mum, they discounted my fees and actually refused to let me pay the full charges. Worth asking as youre on a limited income, surely?

----------


## john82

> This may not be appropriate now, but when I went to Relate years ago as a single mum, they discounted my fees and actually refused to let me pay the full charges. Worth asking as you’re on a limited income, surely?


I'm not sure I could do that.

Tried to register for cbt again but just had a call from them to say that's primary care and I'm on secondary care so they can't help but had a nice chat with a lady.

Trying to call the MH team and asking where I am on the list and if they offer employment support?

Struggling today trying to reach out to get help but I just get told to keep waiting.

----------


## john82

Got a telephone appointment this friday.

Would I be able to talk to the Dr about an autism test or would that need to be local gp? 

They can't help with employment support as I have a job

----------


## Suzi

Why do you think you need an autism assessment? That has to go via the GP too. 
What is the Dr you are seeing on Friday for? 

You can always look around at other jobs which are available and see if there is anything that you could try for?

----------


## john82

> Why do you think you need an autism assessment? That has to go via the GP too. 
> What is the Dr you are seeing on Friday for? 
> 
> You can always look around at other jobs which are available and see if there is anything that you could try for?


It's my psychiatrist who's calling as I rang them today to tell them I'm struggling and I'm due a review.

I've had a few people mention it to me & cpn, as I've some of the symptoms can't cope with change I need repetition, struggle communicating to people gf done a few tests with me online that's all. I just want to get to the bottom of it tbh and if that's one of the things I get diagnosed with I'm hoping it helps working out a few things which puzzle me.

Does that sound silly? Clutching at straws?

I wouldn't feel like I could cope doing anything else like I said I've stuck with this job 20 years it's the only thing I've done, plus it stresses me out about new places etc out my comfort zone.

Also a few other things spoke to my mum etc I tend to shut down when I can't cope stop talking etc struggle with loud noises busy places. 

Get obsessed with things. 

I've always had bad anxiety according to my mum.

I don't know most likely sounds stupid.

----------


## Suzi

Glad you have got that support from your psychiatrist lovely.. 

Definitely talk to your GP about the assessment...

----------


## john82

> Glad you have got that support from your psychiatrist lovely.. 
> 
> Definitely talk to your GP about the assessment...


I'm just worried they'll start messing with my medication again.

I keep telling myself that going through all this must surely be making me stronger!

I still haven't registered at my new gps

----------


## Suzi

You need to register... Can you make that a priority?

----------


## Paula

Please, please register. I did mine online so didnt have to cope with phone calls.

----------


## john82

I've filled the forms in just haven't plucked up the courage to go down there as its all new. I've also constantly been reading the reviews about the surgery and that hasn't helped.

I need to show them a photographic form of ID (such as a passport or driving license) and proof of your home address (such as a recent bank statement or utility bill).

----------


## Suzi

Please do go down and do it. If you want an assessment for ASD then you need to do this.

----------


## john82

> Please do go down and do it. If you want an assessment for ASD then you need to do this.


Had a rubbish night's sleep awake till 5:30am couldn't switch off constantly worrying about work, which I've got tonight I really don't want to go but I know what happens if I don't ill go backwards.

Finally managed to get a couple of hours and had some nice dreams then bang it hits you so fast anxiety starts worrying, panicking feeling sad and you can't switch it off. It's as if my dog knows as she's been sleeping next to me all night and keeps coming up to me, as if to check.

----------


## Paula

Does your dog help you?
Please sort out your go asap

----------


## john82

> Does your dog help you?
> Please sort out your go asap


Yes my dog helps me no end, she's definitely one of the reasons I'm still around.

----------


## Suzi

What kind of dog do you have? 

Have you managed to get your forms to the Dr?

----------


## john82

> What kind of dog do you have? 
> 
> Have you managed to get your forms to the Dr?


A cockapoo she's 5 years old called Bella.

No not yet been stressing about work all day I'm supposed to go in at 9pm but I'm going in early as all the sitting around is stressing me out more I'd rather just get in now.

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## Suzi

She sounds lovely!
Did you manage to get to work?

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## john82

> She sounds lovely!
> Did you manage to get to work?


Yes she's great I was always a cat person but my gf kep pushing for a dog once we moved in, I'm glad we did although she can be a handful  :(nod):  definitely more spa iel in her than poodle so she likes to chase & hunt.

Yes I've just got back from work went in just before 7pm do 3 & half hours was worried my manager wouldn't be happy but she had a chat with me and said if I'm stressing at home then come in early and crack on if it helps so that's a relief.

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## Paula

Well done for talking to your boss  :):

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## john82

> Well done for talking to your boss


It was a bit embarrassing tbh I was trying to hold back the tears and telling her how this weekend has been really tough. I don't know what's going on I've never been one to cry but the past few years I seem to start crying at the slightest things cause I'm so fed up feeling so low.

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## Suzi

Well done for talking to your boss, that's really brilliant...

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john82 (12-08-21)

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## john82

Managed to go in work today but did 2 & half hours as I couldn't settle down and just needed to get out.

I've the psychiatrist calling tomorrow so I'm abit anxious about what he'll say regarding my medication after all the trouble I've had trying to find one which doesn't give me side effects.

Also I was on ESA as my ssp ran out and I cancelled it before going back to work but as my hours aren't going up can I reapply?

Working while you claim
You can usually work while you are claiming ESA if both of the following apply:

you work less than 16 hours a week
you do not earn more than £143 a week
Tell Jobcentre Plus about your work when you make a claim

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## Paula

You should be able to reapply, dependent on how much you earn  - perhaps talk to CAB if youre not sure

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## Suzi

I agree, you should be able to reapply...

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## john82

So after waking up being hit with anxiety again, spoke to the psychiatrist who wants me to start taking the Aripiprazole 5mg with my current medication but that means I'll need an ecg and blood tests?

Sorted out my ESA claim and got a backdated fit note from the old Dr's and then got dragged down to the new Dr's with my gf and i finally registered there,so that should hopefully all be sorted out the Dr told me not to do more than 2-3 hrs I told her work aren't pressuring me etc.

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## Suzi

Well done for getting registered! That's really a huge thing! 
Have you told your new dr that you need those additional tests before being given the prescription? Or is the psych going to be ordering the tests and prescribing?

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## john82

> Well done for getting registered! That's really a huge thing! 
> Have you told your new dr that you need those additional tests before being given the prescription? Or is the psych going to be ordering the tests and prescribing?


It was just the receptionist I spoke to whilst registering.

The psychiatrist told me if I take the new tabs to let them know a week before they run out so they can arrange a test and sort out a prescription. He wasn't great tbh told him I've been struggling but said he couldn't help with cpn.

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## Suzi

The cpn isn't something in the control of the psych. That would be down to your local CMHT (Community Mental Health Trust). You should be able to contact them directly or through your GP. What's the problem with them?

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## john82

> The cpn isn't something in the control of the psych. That would be down to your local CMHT (Community Mental Health Trust). You should be able to contact them directly or through your GP. What's the problem with them?


After I tried to book cbt the other day the duty lady I spoke to said I should be able to see whereabouts I am on the list.

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## Suzi

But that isn't something the psych can do normally. It needs to be done by either calling the CMHT or to get your Drs to chase it up.

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## john82

> But that isn't something the psych can do normally. It needs to be done by either calling the CMHT or to get your Drs to chase it up.


I called the CMHT but they just put me through to the psych secretary  :(think): .

The psychiatrist is sending me out an autism test or paperwork.

I got alot of things done today that have been on my mind,now to try and relax until I'm back work next week but that'll be hard.

Before I left tonight an old driver came into store and we chatted for around 20 mins not seen him for years he gave me his number and told me to message or call him anytime during the night which was nice.

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## Paula

That was nice, and very kind  :):

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## Suzi

That was really lovely! 
Glad you're getting some paperwork to look into the ASD.

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## john82

Just a few things had the psychiatrist letter again about the review we had the other week and he's done the same thing as last time when I mentioned negative thoughts etc he's put I'm fine and not experiencing any.

Last week had been tough struggling to sleep at the moment, having alot of bad dreams waking up in the night covered in sweat  :(sweat): .

Been exercising more but my left arm has started to hurt again and I'm not due to go to the hospital until Oct.

Hope everybody's ok.

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## Paula

I found this article re sleep problems for my other job. May be worth a read

https://www.facebook.com/10006997519...1648512510988/

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john82 (23-08-21)

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## Suzi

Call his secretary and tell them about the discrepancy. Tell them that it's really important that the letters correlate to what is said as you need it for "proof" for the DWP...

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## john82

> Call his secretary and tell them about the discrepancy. Tell them that it's really important that the letters correlate to what is said as you need it for "proof" for the DWP...


I will do tomorrow this is the 2nd time he's put that tbh I don't even think he asked me I'm not too sure now.

Ended up napping this afternoon not feeling too good managed to start painting the spare room, was going to exercise in the garage tonight but I'm too tired from the past 3 nights not being able to sleep much.

I'm also getting fed up on these tablets, thought it was my anxiety going back work causing me to sweat alot but I cant even paint the spare room without starting to drip! Trouble is my next review isn't for another 4 months now.

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## Suzi

You can always call and ask for a review sooner....

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## john82

So I spoke to the Dr's receptionist this morning and mentioned the care plan letter also mentioned this is the 2nd time I've had to call about this, she told me I'd most likely get a call when he's back off leave. I doubt he'll call back to be honest.

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## Suzi

Well done for calling! Do you know when he's back from leave? If you don't get a call, you can always chase it up again.

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## john82

I didn't ask when he was back. I didn't expect her to say he'll call again as I ask if they could just change the letter that I received but she said they can't, maybe he has to go through it again but gives me the chance to mention side effects in having.

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## Suzi

Definitely. Maybe call her back and ask when he will be in?

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## john82

Just wondered if anyone's had a genesight test done? It seems to be mainly Americans on the AD fb page I use.

Getting abit desperate now with tablets.

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## Suzi

Never heard of it lol Definitely not something my husband has had...

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## john82

> Never heard of it lol Definitely not something my husband has had...


I think its where they work out (not sure how) which AD are green for you and may suit you, like I said I think it's an American thing.

Not took my vortioxetine for 2 days now seeing if it stops the side effects

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## Strugglingmum

Do you think its wise to just stop it like that? I know side effects are a nightmare but I'm worried your mood will plummet more.

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## Suzi

Why on earth would you just stop? You know that just stopping AD's is never a good idea. Your mental health is far from stable.....

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## john82

I just thought I'd see if the side effects stopped  or if it was my anxiety that was causing it.

To be honest my moods been up & down most of the time anyway so I'm beginning to wonder what there actually doing.

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## Suzi

You seem far more stable when you are taking them.... Did you tell anyone or just stop? Please speak to someone involved in your care.... I'm very concerned about your actions.

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## Strugglingmum

Ok, I've thought about whether to say this or not but it was something that helped me once I realised it.

1. I can honestly say that it took me a long time to realise that I was actually better on ADs and that they did help me. I think it is only looking back I can truly see the difference in taking meds regularly as prescribed.  I think that is partly due to my 2nd point

2. I wish someone had told me earlier on that i had unrealistic expectations of what ADs would do for me. They are not happy pills, i won't suddenly wake up some day and be happy because of them. They are there to help ease the symptoms enough for me to be able to put in the hard work and effort that recovery requires. Pills alone are not a cure, it's all  the other stuff we do to look after us and break the viscous cycle of depression that are the real cure. Sometimes we need the pills to help us get to the stage where we can function enough to be able to do all the other stuff that is the real life change. 

You seem to be able to function a bit better on meds which in turn helps you be able to do the important work of breaking the cycle. Please dont mess with your meds, if you are not happy with them talk to a nurse or doctor for advice and support.

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Jaquaia (25-08-21),john82 (25-08-21),Paula (25-08-21),Suzi (25-08-21)

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## Suzi

SM that's a brilliant post.

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Strugglingmum (25-08-21)

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## john82

I've taken my tablet this evening.

Had a rubbish evening at work, one of the team leaders who I haven't seen for 4 weeks came to speak to me and he immediately started saying stuff like so we need to start seeing you trying and upping your hours etc as you know what'll happen.

I'm fuming, fed up, angry, worried etc

Went to speak to him again after I'd finished and he apologised, said he wasn't aware that the main boss told me a few times over the past few weeks that if it takes 6 months - a year there's no pressure or rush and the priority is to just keep coming in at the moment.

I just can't seem to cope with things at the minute and it feels like I'm out my depth just doing a few hours.

Come home and spoke to my partner about it as its set me off thinking I'm worthless.

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## Suzi

Well done for going to speak to them about it there and then. That's not something you would have managed a while ago. 
Do remember though that you stopping your meds will make things worse now, but also that it takes 4 - 8 weeks to get back to therapeutic levels again.

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## Paula

The message has got through at work, love, so try to focus on doing what you can right now and try not to borrow trouble

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## john82

I'm going to start taking the Aripiprazole 5mg tomorrow I'm going to half the tablets to begin with and see if they help give me a boost.

Bit disappointed boss said she'd speak to me first thing after last night but she was busy, she did speak to me but said she'd catch me later but I went in early so ended up just going home.

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## Suzi

It takes between 4 - 8 weeks for any anti depressant to get into your system properly. Nothing is going to work in 2 weeks love. They may not "give you a boost" but might just make things more stable...... 

Why didn't you stay for your shift?

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## Paula

Did the doctor suggest halving the tablets?

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## john82

I did my shift I just ended up going in earlier as friends said it was busy and they could do with me coming in asap.

No he didn't say half the tablets but I'm just worried about taking something new as I always seem to have side effects,so thought I'd start off slow and see if they affect me.

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## Paula

Please talk to your doctor first, there are often reasons for them not halving tablets - mainly that you cant be sure of the dose youre taking and it could change from day to day dependant on how you halve them itms

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## Suzi

Definitely talk to your Dr... Please?

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## john82

Had a good evening Friday spoke to the new store manager and seemed nice she told me to continue to do twilight shifts for now and if I needed any support to let her know.It was nice to finished the end of the week feeling good considering how it started.

I'm getting really nervous about going in again tomorrow after what happened last week I'm constantly anxious now.

I haven't started the Aripiprazole as I'm a bit scared tbh.

I've got a review with the psychiatrist but it's not till the end of September,also got my autism forms to fill in, so I filled them in with my partner and her mum & dad helping and giving there views with what they've seen. Some of the past & present behaviours I couldn't really fill in as it goes right back to being a baby,so we just filled in what I could.

Hopefully try and get back in the garage tomorrow as lately I just feel a bit deflated. 

Hope everyone's okay

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## Paula

What are you scared about?

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## Suzi

So glad your manager seems lovely and understanding. 
I agree, what are you scared of for going back in or starting the meds? 
What's in the garage that you want to get back to?

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## Strugglingmum

I'm glad last week finished well. That is a positive.

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john82 (01-09-21)

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## john82

I'm just worried as its a new medication and I'm scared of possible side effects and I'd then have to have tests at the Dr's to make sure I'm ok.

Worried about work after what happened last week and wondering if it's going to happen again, and am I taking the mick only doing 3 hrs? Like I explained to the manager I'm just trying to get comfortable back there but I'm struggling with loosing everyone. 

My garage is my gym, weights, treadmill etc lately I've lost motivation after worrying about work etc it just seems to derail me.

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## Suzi

What tests at the Drs are you worried about? 
This is, if you don't try it you wont know if it could be the medication that helps massively...... 
I'm sure your manager doesn't think you are taking the mick at all lovely. Start small and work up when you are ready - a mighty oak tree comes from the smallest acorn and all that....

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## john82

> What tests at the Drs are you worried about? 
> This is, if you don't try it you wont know if it could be the medication that helps massively...... 
> I'm sure your manager doesn't think you are taking the mick at all lovely. Start small and work up when you are ready - a mighty oak tree comes from the smallest acorn and all that....


Sorry for the delay had to take a few lateral flow tests and they've come back positive woke up this morning feeling really rough, think I've caught it from my patterns parents as they've both tested positive today.

So I've had to isolate for 10 days as I'm not jabbed and I'm waiting for a pcr test to arrive. 

I think the psychiatrist said I'd need an ecg and bloods maybe? It just puts me off as its another thing that's out my comfort zone.

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## Suzi

Oh no, sorry that you've tested positive. Hope that you don't get it badly lovely. 
Can I ask why you haven't had the vaccine? 
ECG and bloods are standard for so many things now love, they are just being overly cautious...

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## john82

> Oh no, sorry that you've tested positive. Hope that you don't get it badly lovely. 
> Can I ask why you haven't had the vaccine? 
> ECG and bloods are standard for so many things now love, they are just being overly cautious...


Ive not had the vaccine due to what I was going through struggling to go out etc getting back to work, also I've read too much into it so decided not to get it as I was worried about side effects etc and if I really needed it.

I'm okay just feels like a bad cold atm waiting for my pcr test to arrive tomorrow

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## Suzi

Oh, we were all very desperate to get the vaccine - I think it's different when you've been shielding... Even my needle phobics wanted to get the vaccine to be able to protect me and to then be able to get back out there......

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## john82

So I'm almost a week into isolating and I'm struggling, finding it tough staying in not being able to go out. 

Lost my taste & smell, constant headaches hardly eating, and I'm still worrying about work.

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## Suzi

Sorry you're feeling so bad. 

Don't worry about work, they have to be understanding with this.

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john82 (08-09-21)

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## Paula

:Panda:

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john82 (08-09-21)

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## john82

I'm just quite down atm I know you'll moan but I've not takien my tabs for the past 4 days due to feeling so rough this is the first night tonight.

Mrs has it as well although she's had 1 jab she's still bad. This afternoon we spent watching on the buses  :(rofl): 

My mum popped some shopping into the garden which has helped although we seem to be going through Paracetamol & ibuprofens very quickly

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## Suzi

Why on earth would you not take your anti d? You do know how they work don't you? You can't just take one and think it's going to work on that day. It takes 4 - 8 weeks for them to get into your system properly. Each change in dose takes the same time again to be adjusted. You are going to feel worse for stopping and starting. It's just pointless to not take them properly. This just makes me so annoyed to be honest. You've been given so many things to help and yet you don't seem to be doing the basic things that can help to get you stable/brighter. You have had issues with the CMHT so switched your phone off when they didn't call when you were expecting, you put off registering for a GP, you don't take your meds properly.... I really don't know how you are expecting to get better if you don't help yourself.

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Jaquaia (09-09-21),Paula (09-09-21),Stella180 (09-09-21)

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## john82

> Why on earth would you not take your anti d? You do know how they work don't you? You can't just take one and think it's going to work on that day. It takes 4 - 8 weeks for them to get into your system properly. Each change in dose takes the same time again to be adjusted. You are going to feel worse for stopping and starting. It's just pointless to not take them properly. This just makes me so annoyed to be honest. You've been given so many things to help and yet you don't seem to be doing the basic things that can help to get you stable/brighter. You have had issues with the CMHT so switched your phone off when they didn't call when you were expecting, you put off registering for a GP, you don't take your meds properly.... I really don't know how you are expecting to get better if you don't help yourself.


Well maybe if you've tested positive then you'll know how crap it makes you feel! Like I said I've not even been eating. 

I put off registering for the gp and why was that again?? Seems like I've been wasting my time on here tbh.

And people are very quick to judge

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## Paula

I havent had covid but I had flu a few weeks ago. It was awful and I couldnt move for days. Yet the one thing I made sure I did was take my meds. Why? Because I knew if I didnt, Id go into withdrawal and would feel a thousand times worse.

As for judging. No one here has ever judged you in the 3+ years youve been a member. What we try to help you understand, though, is that you need to be proactive with your treatment, medication, self care and with your medical team - otherwise you wont be any further forward in 3 years time than you are now and was 3 years ago. I know you want to get better, but youre not allowing yourself the chance to when you do things like not take your meds for 4 days

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## Suzi

> Well maybe if you've tested positive then you'll know how crap it makes you feel! Like I said I've not even been eating. 
> 
> I put off registering for the gp and why was that again?? Seems like I've been wasting my time on here tbh.
> 
> And people are very quick to judge


Quick to judge? Me? You've been a member for over 3 years! 

As I said, I'm sorry you aren't feeling well, but you HAVE to take your meds. You seem to just not take them properly even when you don't have covid.. 

Wasting your time on here? That's your opinion, but as with everything you only get out of something what you put into it.... You've made 351 posts in that time.... We listen, we support, but you have to be here and engage.....

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## Strugglingmum

Hi John, I'm sorry you've been poorly with Covid, I've watched loved ones suffer with it and it's not pleasant at all. 
I'm sorry you feel judged, you joined here just before me and I know at times I haven't liked the obvious being pointed out to me...... but I needed to hear it. At times we feel misunderstood or 'picked on' but I promise you it's all just to support and encourage you towards recovery. 
Recovery IS possible but it takes so much more than popping my tablets just when I feel like it, and I know you know that, you dont need us to tell you but sometimes we need a reminder to keep fighting and doing the right thing

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john82 (09-09-21),Suzi (09-09-21)

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## Stella180

Quick to judge??? You are having a laugh right. Maybe you should look back through this thread and actually see how supportive people have been. Everyone else around here are incredibly understanding and you now accuse them of being judgmental? Maybe it’s you being selfish and ungrateful for all the advise you’ve been given (and ignored) and not bothered to give anything back. We all have similar struggles and dispute members taking the time to read your posts and reply, I don’t see you engaging with other threads. Maybe it’s time for you to take a step back, take onboard the information you have been given and start doing something to help yourself to get better. If you don’t wanna help self there’s nothing any one else can do for you.

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## john82

Wow had to login to repost true colours being shown now aren't they!! and this is a support forum !! Like i said i hope you never get covid then maybe you wouldn't be so quick to judge!

I've been extremely grateful for the advice on here, also im sorry i don't contribute much in other posts i'm no expert! it seems i don't offer much to the group

Feel free to delete the thread it doesn't look to kind tbh! and i dont need to be made to feel any worse than i already do!

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## Jaquaia

No one has judged you. You frequently complain about meds but then don't take them correctly. Do you realise that non-compliance is enough of a reason for CMHT to discharge you? You have no idea how lucky you are to be getting that support. Please don't throw that away by being non-compliant. I would assume that you would have been taking paracetamol to help with pain/raised temperature so you could have taken your meds then. 

If you'd read other people's threads then you would know that Suzi has chronic, long term disabilities that cause her significant difficulties and a huge amount of pain pretty much every day of her life. She has had significant pain and chronic conditions since she was a child so the "if you've tested positive then you'll know how crap it makes you feel" is quite frankly, offensive. She suffers every single day but does nothing but offer love and understanding to everyone here, putting everyone else before herself. I suggest you take a step back, think about what has been said, think about how you have responded, which has been quite aggressive, and decide if you want to still be a member here. I'm leaving the thread here as it shows nothing but kindness and patience when you have repeatedly talked about not complying with your care team, but I am going to close it before it gets too heated.

Take a few days, if you still wish to be a member here, then come back and start afresh. If not, PM Suzi and she can sort that out for you. No one has ever judged you though, they have just shown frustration as they know how important complying with meds and treatment is.

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Paula (09-09-21),Stella180 (10-09-21),Suzi (09-09-21)

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