# Help and Advice > Friend/relative has depression support >  Has she fallen out of love or is it depression?

## Elliots

My partner suffers with depression. She wont seek help and when she did she lied to get cleared. But in that are suicidal thoughts she says she could never tell anyone for fear of losing our children. 
Three years ago, we adopted and it was stressful but theyre settled. And safe, please be assured. 
Last week I discovered she was seeing someone else (only texting but they planned to meet). This is out of character and I was very hurt. But what followed has been a complete and utter revelation. She says she fell out of love with me three years ago and has been pretending. The future for us is separate she says and that is her truth. But she loves me dearly. Loves our home and our life and our children. But not me. Not like that. It makes her feel trapped thinking about me and our relationship. Weve always been the best of friends and met when we were young so our lives are very entwined. She says she cant be with me but must be part of my life. And loves me. But also, is really keen I take the initiative and see other people too?! All in the last two weeks. Sometimes she is sobbing and saying Im her safe place and she wants to be married to me, that the trap is writhin her, but others she says she could never see me as a sexual partner - that she doesnt see herself growing old with me and that our life is the trap. 
I desperately want her to seek counselling in case its her depression talking. Weve been together 20 years and our daughters are very vulnerable to big upset and change. If shes fallen out of love with me, then Ill have to deal with that. But she says she will pursue this relationship with this other person as she needs to know if she needs another person. Because she cant be with me. But she also wants to stay in our home and decorate it and make me promise not to sell it even though she is moving out to get her self set up for a life alonel.
Im so very confused.
Last night she said she needed someone to tell her what was real and what wasnt. Was she chasing a fantasy and would she one day want to come back to me? And all the time Im trying to stop my own heart breaking, keep our daughters worlds consistent and loving. 
She came to couple counselling but the counsellor said we needed our own first. Im just not sure shell go. And Im worried she wont be honest about her suicidal thoughts. I hope she will be. Even if not to save our marriage but to save herself.
What do I do for her? Has anyone been through similar?

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## Suzi

Hi and welcome to DWD. 
I'm surprised that you've made it through the adoption process whilst "pretending," but I also know that if someone doesn't want you to know what's going on then they can mask it... 
You can't force her to get counselling - if you do then you could lose her forever....

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