# Help and Advice > Coping with Depression >  Me, part 673 *TRIGGERS*

## Jaquaia

I'm hiding in the private sections again and getting annoyed with myself for doing so! So hello!  :(hi): 

Having one of those days today! Have a headache again. Feeling slightly stressed. Slightly on edge too. Trying to study and not got much further than catching up with the online collaborative study and replying to my tutors email... 

On the plus side, my provisional application is ready to go to my friend to be signed.... eek!!! :(sweat):

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## Suzi

Hello gorgeous! 
Hope that you've managed to settle a bit love..

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## OldMike

Does part 673 have any significance,  just intrigued (yup I'm a nosy bugger).

I'll just give a big HELLO Jaq  :(bear):

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## Jaquaia

I'm getting more wound up about certain things, so much so I've used the 'c' word to describe a certain person  :(blush): . I'm going to have a quick chat with Rob and go to bed I think.




> Does part 673 have any significance,  just intrigued (yup I'm a nosy bugger).
> 
> I'll just give a big HELLO Jaq


Just what popped into my head!

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## Suzi

Hope you sleep well hunnipie x

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## Jaquaia

I'm looking at what's on in Hull next year and already excited by Macbeth by the National Theatre, Aida by Opera North and either Giselle or Cinderella by the Russian State Ballet of Siberia! Never seen a ballet before, I'm a bit of a Shakespeare fan and saw Opera North do Carmen and it was absolutely incredible!

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## Paula

Yay! Great to see you here, love  :):

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## Suzi

I've been looking at stuff near here too! Again ballet, opera and musicals! 
How are you today gorgeous?

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## Jaquaia

Tired and headachey again. Have not been stubborn today though and taken some paracetamol with my breakfast.

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OldMike (20-10-18)

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## Paula

Good  :O: . Any better now? Are you drinking enough atm?

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## Jaquaia

A little. I fell asleep too which helped. Probably not. I've had half a bottle of water so far. It's ridiculous that I struggle so much with it. Even J has started getting bossy with me over how much (or should that be how little?) I'm drinking.

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## Paula

ok, do you mind then if I nag daily?

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## Jaquaia

Do I really have a choice?  :(giggle):  

I'm on my second drink of the day, not great really

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## Paula

*naggingnotnagging*  :O:

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OldMike (20-10-18)

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## Jaquaia

I've had another drink!

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Angie (20-10-18),OldMike (20-10-18)

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## Suzi

I thought you had alerts set each hour to remind you? If not, then set them up!!!!  I'm constantly nagging H too!  :):

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## Jaquaia

Erm....

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## Suzi

Jaq... 

​DRINK?

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## Jaquaia

I have a glass of pepsi and a bottle of water with me! The trick now os to remember to take regular breaks to actually drink them!!!

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## Paula

Have you drunk them? If so, have you got more?

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## Jaquaia

I've drank about half a litre of water and most of the pepsi. That's good for me!!!

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## Suzi

Morning Jaq...

​DRINK?

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## OldMike

> Morning Jaq...
> 
> ​DRINK?


Best do what the Boss Lady says  :(rofl):

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## Jaquaia

I'm not sure what you're getting at Suzi? You might need to be a bit less subtle!  :(giggle):

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## Paula

So have you? Drunk something, that is?  :O:

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## Jaquaia

I'm sipping on a bottle of water.

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## Suzi

Oh I'm sorry... 
DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK

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## Jaquaia

:(rofl):

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## Suzi

oo Jaq - have you had a drink recently?

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## Jaquaia

I have! Even had a cuppa soup for dinner!

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## Suzi

Not just a cuppa soup I hope...

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## Jaquaia

And a kiwi

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## Suzi

Is that what you've had for dinner?

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## Jaquaia

And a slice of bread. Don't forget up north where the normal people live, dinner is the midday meal  :O:

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## Paula

Morning! Have you had anything to drink?

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## Jaquaia

Had a bit of water. Don't want to get up yet.

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## Suzi

> And a slice of bread. Don't forget up north where the normal people live, dinner is the midday meal


Ahhh, dinner is lunch... weirdos....

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## Jaquaia

Yep!  :(giggle):

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## OldMike

> Ahhh, dinner is lunch... weirdos....


And tea is dinner and we ain't weird just different  :O:

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## Flo

Whatever!........when I lived in Sheffield I had a hell of a job trying to understand the accents!.....my mate's favourite was...watcha got in yer snap box!.....Wot?! says I!!...work that one out! :(rofl):

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## Jaquaia

Me and J have discussed having a chip van at our reception rather than a sit down posh meal when we get around to marrying. He finds it amusing that I want to serve our guests fried potato with fried potato and is looking forward to me explaining that  :(giggle):  pattie and chips is a Hull staple!!! And bloody lovely!

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## Suzi

"Pattie and chips?"

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## Jaquaia

Patties are brilliant!!! It's mashed potato and sage and onion, shaped into a pattie and fried in batter. Really, really nice!

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## Suzi

Potato and stuffing? Hazel would love that!

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## Jaquaia

https://munchies-vice-com.cdn.amppro...uld-know-about

It says beef dripping but when I make them at home I use vegetable or sunflower oil to fry them in

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## Suzi

Sounds really interesting... *wanders off to see how far away Hull is*

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## Paula

My arteries just hardened  :O:

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## Jaquaia

So Friday I'm going to pay for my Counselling level 1... eek!!!

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## Strugglingmum

Ooooo exciting!! I did my level 2 counselling skills a few years ago I loved it and wanted to go on but my mum took sick and then died and then i got sick. You'll really enjoy it although it is challenging too. Stepping out doing something new.... awesome!! Congratulations and good luck. X

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## Jaquaia

Thank you! It's going to be hard work as I'm doing a Psychology and counselling degree at the same time!

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## Paula

Woohooooooooo awesome news!

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## Jaquaia

I've worked out that the level 1 will be finished in time fo me to start the level 2 in May...

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## Suzi

Don't push yourself too hard lovely...

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## Jaquaia

They're 7 week courses, one 3 hour session a week, so they will get me out of the house and meeting people too. The building is familiar as it's where I had my counselling! And assessment is a 1500 word essay, a 500 word self-reflection and work done in class and they've already told me that if it clashes with any uni assignments they can give me an extension.

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## OldMike

> Patties are brilliant!!! It's mashed potato and sage and onion, shaped into a pattie and fried in batter. Really, really nice!


They sound good mmm email me some  :(giggle):

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## Suzi

> They're 7 week courses, one 3 hour session a week, so they will get me out of the house and meeting people too. The building is familiar as it's where I had my counselling! And assessment is a 1500 word essay, a 500 word self-reflection and work done in class and they've already told me that if it clashes with any uni assignments they can give me an extension.


That's brilliant! I didn't realise you'd be getting out and meeting people with it too! Awesome! Go you!  :):

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## Jaquaia

http://www.focuscounselling.co.uk/training.phtml

It's the counselling skills level 1 I'm going to be doing. Gestalt and person centred are new! May have to look into them once I have the basics learned!!! I can do levels 1-3 through this place and then the East Riding college in Beverley does the level 4 which will see me qualified to practise!

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## OldMike

Gestalt had to Google that it looks mighty complicated though I'm sure you'll master it Jaq  :O:

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## Paula

Looks fab!

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## Angie

Looks really good and well done hunni x

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## Suzi

That's awesome!

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## Jaquaia

Flaring slightly so no uni work done today. I have wrapped most of the Christmas presents for my parents though! Just have Scarletts to do tomorrow. And bought lots of chocolate which was probably a mistake... not really caring today.

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## Paula

Wrapped Christmas presents. Really??

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## Jaquaia

Yep! My dad bought most of our presents at the beginning of the month and he's had Scarletts main present since June. I'm now settled down watching the model railway programme on 5!  :(nerd):

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## Suzi

Wow, that's super organised!

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## Jaquaia

He's already got my birthday presents sorted too! It may be a dangerous thing, me teaching him how to use Amazon...

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## Suzi

Wow! Go him!

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## Flo

> He's already got my birthday presents sorted too! It may be a dangerous thing, me teaching him how to use Amazon...


Oh No!!.....he'll be another fully paid up member of the 'Quivering Finger over the 'Buy Now' button Club' like meeeee!!!..you try and pull your index finger away but the finger always wins!!! Aaaggghhh!! :(rofl):

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## Suzi

How's today been lovely?

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## Jaquaia

It's been ok. Finished wrapping. Did some uni work. Watched Harry Potter and cried like a baby when Harry goes into the Great Hall after the Battle of Hogwarts. J rang as I was crying so took some explaining as he's never seen it!!! Flicked it on to +1, got tearful but fared a bit better until Snape...

"After all this time?"

"Always"

Every. Single. Time.

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## Paula

He hadnt used Amazon, he hasnt watched Harry Potter. Has he been sleeping under a rock for the last 20 years??  :(rofl): . Bless him, thank God hes got you! You really need to do some educating  :O:

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## Jaquaia

Oh my dad's watched Harry Potter! Had no choice really as my mum loves them! J's never seen them! Had to try explaining why I was crying without giving any spoilers!!!

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## OldMike

Think I've been living under half a rock for the last 20 years.

Watched the occasional Harry Potter movie and never really got it at all especially quiditch or whatever it was called (I know sad isn't it)  :(giggle): 

But I have availed myself of the delights of Amazon  :O:

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## Jaquaia

I've read the books so many times that you can barely read the title on the spines of the first 5 (they're paperbacks) and the pages are coming loose in my cope of The Philosophers Stone. I think the books give the stories so much depth and there are things that the films left out which should have been there. Some things aren't explained in the films.

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## Suzi

> It's been ok. Finished wrapping. Did some uni work. Watched Harry Potter and cried like a baby when Harry goes into the Great Hall after the Battle of Hogwarts. J rang as I was crying so took some explaining as he's never seen it!!! Flicked it on to +1, got tearful but fared a bit better until Snape...
> 
> "After all this time?"
> 
> "Always"
> 
> Every. Single. Time.


And me. Every. Single. Time.  And there have been plenty of times. Always more in the books though!




> I've read the books so many times that you can barely read the title on the spines of the first 5 (they're paperbacks) and the pages are coming loose in my cope of The Philosophers Stone. I think the books give the stories so much depth and there are things that the films left out which should have been there. Some things aren't explained in the films.


I agree! I think there should have been an extended version of each movie that actually follows the books, rather than just the essence of them!

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## Jaquaia

Like how does Hermione, a muggle-born, know what a mudblood is? Why is she so upset about it when she's been in the wizarding world all of 5 minutes? I think they should have left that explanation to Ron, it would have made much more sense!

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## Suzi

Lol..... But it's all because she's read Hogwarts: A history more times than you think!

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## Jaquaia

But why would mudblood be in that? And why is there no explanation as to how Bill got hurt? And the night Dumbledore died was far too rushed!!!! They could have made that battle epic!!!! And no explanation as to how Bill and Fleur met! And.... and.... and....

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## Jaquaia

Made an apple crumble for after dinner, kitchen smells lovely and cinnamon-y now. I normally love baking and cooking but it was bloody stressful!!!! 

"Have you got any lard? You're cutting the apples wrong, your nana did it like this. Are you peeling them? So and so didn't peel them..."

Ffs mother!!! Go away and let me make it my way!!!

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## Suzi

Oh! I sympathise! I've been baking too!

Fern's done a trial run for her food tech tomorrow because her teacher literally shouldn't be allowed in a kitchen... So I've made the homemade jam for her, backlava, vegan quichey thing, got everything ready for dinner and done all the washing up as I went along too! I'm knackered!

Hope you are resting and away from the stress love...

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## OldMike

Mums always think they know best  :(giggle):

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## Jaquaia

I'm studying mainly.

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## Paula

> I've read the books so many times that you can barely read the title on the spines of the first 5 (they're paperbacks) and the pages are coming loose in my cope of The Philosophers Stone. I think the books give the stories so much depth and there are things that the films left out which should have been there. Some things aren't explained in the films.


Have you read them backwards? It really made me appreciate how much detail she put in the earlier books to lay up to events in the later ones!

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## Jaquaia

I haven't but I've taken a lot in. The look on my brothers face when I showed my mum the trailers for Crimes of Grindelwald and blurted out "hang on a minute! Dumbledore taught Transfiguration! Not Defence Against the Dark Arts!!!"  :(giggle):

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## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  I did the same!

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## Jaquaia

It really bugged me!!!

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## Jaquaia

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!!! I'm actually speechless!!!!

I've got my module result. I only went and got a distinction!!! 85 on my examinable score and 89 on my continuous assessment....

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Suzi (30-10-18)

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## OldMike

> I haven't but I've taken a lot in. The look on my brothers face when I showed my mum the trailers for Crimes of Grindelwald and blurted out "hang on a minute! Dumbledore taught Transfiguration! Not Defence Against the Dark Arts!!!"


Isn't "Transfiguration" a subset of "Defence Against the Dark Arts"!!!? just saying  :(rofl): 




> OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!!! I'm actually speechless!!!!
> 
> I've got my module result. I only went and got a distinction!!! 85 on my examinable score and 89 on my continuous assessment....


WooooooooooHoooooooooo  :(party):

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Jaquaia (30-10-18)

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## Suzi

Woohoo!! Well done lovely!

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Jaquaia (30-10-18)

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## Paula

:(party):  youre incredible! I never doubted you  :):

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Jaquaia (30-10-18)

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## Jaquaia

I'm still trying to figure out how I managed to pull that off!!! I never in a million years thought I would do that well!!!

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## Suzi

You need to have even a shred of the faith in you that we all have in you.

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Jaquaia (30-10-18)

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## Paula

I knew you would!

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Jaquaia (30-10-18)

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## Flo

Well done Jaq!!

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Jaquaia (30-10-18)

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## Angie

Way to go hunni x

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Jaquaia (30-10-18)

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## Suzi

How are you today lovely?

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## Jaquaia

I'm ok

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## Suzi

That doesn't sound good....

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## Jaquaia

I'm headachey and feeling flat, really missing J and have an assignment due in next week and am a week behind because of flare ups....

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## Suzi

Then you aren't "OK" are you?  :Panda: 

Can you take something for the headache? Or maybe rest? I know you are behind, but sometimes just stopping and resting in the short term can make things easier and better in the long term.. 

When do you see J next?

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## Jaquaia

You know what I'm like, everyone else has so much going on that my problems pale into insignificance. And yes, I know what I would tell people.. 

I'm slowly plodding through my chapter and feel like I'm getting somewhere, slowly but I am getting there!!! 

It won't be until Monday. It's half-term and she hasn't moved out yet so it's difficult this week, but he did make a point of coming to see me yesterday, even though it was only for 20 minutes. :(inlove):

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## Suzi

Oh love. I wish it wasn't like this for you, but it won't be forever.

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## Jaquaia

That's what I keep telling myself

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## Paula

He loves you, it will be ok xx

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## Jaquaia

I know. I never doubt that  :):

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## Jaquaia

My mum only let the dog out!!! Not happy!  :@:

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## Paula

Oh no! What happened to her (the dog not your mum)?!

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## Jaquaia

She's been really unsettled so dosed her up on chill drops and she's now snoring her head off on my bed. Can't believe she let her out though!!!

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## Suzi

Ours are dosed up too. This is horrible! Ours won't go out thankfully x

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## Jaquaia

They seem louder this year!

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## Suzi

The ones round here really are. They've made our windows shake and everything!

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## Paula

Polos ok but Luna was always completely and utterly terrified.  At least shes spared that this year  :(:

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## Jaquaia

:Panda:

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## Suzi

We were in the same position with Casey...  :Panda:

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## Flo

I know I'm a kill-joy, but I'd have them banned! After all, when all said and done they're bloody explosives! Anything to make money eh?

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## Jaquaia

Avoiding writing my essay.... not good as it's due in tomorrow...

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## Suzi

How much more do you have to write?

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## Jaquaia

About 170 words. I've done the 2nd and 3rd part of it and this one is only 200 words.

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## Paula

How did the essay go last night?

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## Jaquaia

I gave up. I'm going to get up, shower and have breakfast and start again

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## Suzi

How goes it?

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## Jaquaia

Eaten, medicated, showered... next step is clothes and then get back to it!

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Paula (06-11-18)

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## Suzi

Woohoo! Go you!

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## Paula

Drink?

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## Jaquaia

Erm... I  will refresh my water before I start

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## Jaquaia

Done and submitted!

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## Paula

:(party): 

Drink?  :O:

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## Jaquaia

Working on it! Got engrossed in catching up!

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## Suzi

Wow! Drink? Well done love! Drink??
Hope you are rewarding yourself with something lovely! Drink???

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## Jaquaia

I'm not quite sure what you're getting at Suzi... you may have to be a bit less subtle...  :(giggle): 

I've had some. I've ordered take away so didn't have to cook and J is on his way over  :(inlove):

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## OldMike

> Wow! Drink? Well done love! Drink??
> Hope you are rewarding yourself with something lovely! Drink???


Do by any chance you mean DRINK because I'm not quite getting it  :(giggle):

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## Suzi

> I'm not quite sure what you're getting at Suzi... you may have to be a bit less subtle... 
> 
> I've had some. I've ordered take away so didn't have to cook and J is on his way over


WooDRINKhoo!! Have a lovely evening!

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Paula (07-11-18)

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## Jaquaia

He's just left, missing him already. We just cuddled up and watched a couple of episodes of Torchwood. It was so nice to be able to do a nice normal coupley thing like that without any worry.

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## Suzi

That sounds lovely and normal.... Pleased for you love.

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## Paula

Morning, lovely. drink?

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## Jaquaia

I will when I get up. I promise

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## Suzi

Morning gorgeous, what are you DRINKing this morning?

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## Jaquaia

I've had some water and have blueberry muffin milk too

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## Suzi

WTF is blueberry muffin milk? 

OO drink? 

How are you today gorgeous lady?

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## Jaquaia

https://goo.gl/images/mbB79v

Just been drinking that. 

I'm ok. Could have gone out for lunch with my mum, dad, sister and niece but I'd rather stay home and study and I get to see J for an hour-ish so yay!

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## Allalone

I’m using the forum as a distraction. 
Hope you don’t mind me commenting on your post.

Do you forget to drink?!

I’ve never seen that in my local Asda. My kids would love it!

What are you studying?

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## Paula

Ooo yuck!  :O: 

Drink?

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## Jaquaia

> I’m using the forum as a distraction. 
> Hope you don’t mind me commenting on your post.
> 
> Do you forget to drink?!
> 
> I’ve never seen that in my local Asda. My kids would love it!
> 
> What are you studying?


I don't mind at all! I'm terrible for drinking. That's why these ladies nag me. It's nothing for me to only have a mouthful of water to take my meds with until teatime. This is really nice! Not overly sweet or fake tasting like some of the other flavours are. 

I'm doing a BSc in Psychology with Counselling through the OU. Started it in February and just handed in my first assignment on my second module. 




> Ooo yuck! 
> 
> Drink?


Still on the milkshake but only got an inch left in the bottle now.

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## Allalone

That sounds really interesting, the course not the milkshake! I don’t tolerate dairy very well but my 3 love milkshakes and blueberry muffins so think they would like it.
I like a strong cup of tea in the morning and a cup of chamomile in an evening but probably don’t have that much to drink in between.

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## Jaquaia

I don't think I've had a single cup of tea this year! I've started going off it.

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## Paula

> That sounds really interesting, the course not the milkshake! I dont tolerate dairy very well but my 3 love milkshakes and blueberry muffins so think they would like it.
> I like a strong cup of tea in the morning and a cup of chamomile in an evening but probably dont have that much to drink in between.


Do we need to start nagging you too?  :O:

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## Allalone

Ha ha.
I don’t think so. The home treatment team are doing plenty of that.

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## Suzi

I'm excellent at "repetitive reminders"  - ask my husband and children!  :(rofl):  :(rofl): 
Jaq that drink isn't one I'd try (even without the dairy) but if it's making you drink add some more next time you go shopping!

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## Jaquaia

It took me all day to drink it though J spent most of his time here trying to get me to tell him while I was upset so barely touched his drink so had that too.

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## Strugglingmum

I was at the optician today and when she looked at the photos of the back of my eyes she told me I needed to drink more water!  Seriously, how can they do that.
It's true I don't drink half enough and have been known to swallow my tablets dry. I know , very naughty.

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## Paula

Last year, my optician picked something up which led to diagnoses of high blood pressure _ and_ fluid on my brain! Its incredible what they can find in your eyes!

Jaq, why upset, lovely?

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## Suzi

Jaq, what was making you upset love? 

SM - yes! Very naughty!

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## Jaquaia

It's nothing hugely important, just me overreacting.

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## Paula

Hmmmm

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## Suzi

> It's nothing hugely important, just me overreacting.


It doesn't really matter if you are overreacting. If it's upset you then it IS hugely important... 

How are you today lovely?

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## Jaquaia

I'm not really caring about much today, couldn't even be bothered to shower this morning. Planning on plodding through my uni work, meeting J in town on Monday so going to go and park myself in Costa and start next weeks reading. Maybe it will give me the kick I need to start going out and studying more.

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## Suzi

So you were upset yesterday and not feeling much today - want to talk about it?

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## Jaquaia

This week's work is personality theories and one study they spend all of one sentence explaining is discussed in greater detail in one of my previous modules textbooks. A good proportion of us studied DD102 so a good proportion of us will have access to the aforementioned textbook, so I decided to share this and made a point of saying it will only be of use to those who studied that module. Only to be told by one of the tutors that those who didn't study the module won't have access to the book. No  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  sherlock! Hence me pointing out the module it appeared in! 

I just won't bloody bother contributing anymore

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## Suzi

Don't let one arse spoil it for you love.

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## Jaquaia

I'm just having a bit of a bad day.

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## Suzi

I'd have felt upset too..  :Panda:

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## Jaquaia

I can tell it's been a bad day as I've been in tears a couple of times and ended up falling asleep this afternoon. Not even attempted doing any more work tonight, just watched Fantastic Beasts instead

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## Suzi

Oh love, why didn't you text or call? I hate that you've been feeling like that on your own...

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## Jaquaia

Stubborness? Don't like putting on people when they have so much going on themselves? Nothing anyone can really do? I don't know... not used to physically reaching out to people

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## Paula

Well get used it, kid  :Kiss:

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## Suzi

But you'd hate it if any of us didn't talk about what was going on... Friendship works both ways.

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## Jaquaia

Yes but I don't think I'm as important as everyone else

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## Paula

You really are! Youre so important

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## Jaquaia

I've never really felt like I am. 

I'm tired today and sore. I must have slept funny as it hurts to look anywhere but directly in front. Even looking to my right I can feel the left side of my neck pulling. I've showered, which has eased it a little, and I have a fresh bottle of water upstairs with me before you all tell me off! And I've already drank a good inch  :P: 

Just have various things on my mind but going to distract myself with work.

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## Suzi

Maybe you need to believe that we believe that you are important?!

I hope the pains ease a bit love... Talk about what's in your head, get the evil weevils out... it might help?

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## Jaquaia

I'm going to take some ibuprofen and see if that helps. 

One of the things is my brother and sister. J came to see me Friday night and he just walks in the house without knocking. My mum told him to just walk in nearly a year ago now but my brother hasn't been here when he's arrived before and was a bit taken aback by it. Instead of sending me a quick text asking why he just walks in, he went to my sister bitching about it, who then took it on herself to stick her nose in and go telling tales to my mum. My mums put her straight but I don't know how much my brother has told her as when my mum asked her what she said to him, it was apparently that she wasn't interested in anyone in my life. I find that incredibly hurtful. She says it's because she tried to take an interest last time and look what happened and this way nothing can go wrong, but she behaved like a spoilt brat last time. She decided she didn't like him and she wasn't going to make even the smallest effort to even be polite. It raised a lot of bad memories, about that, my so-called best friends betrayal. And I'm now wondering if I can even trust my brother.

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## Suzi

I'd be really upset too. That sounds like a horrible situation to be in. Families are so difficult to deal with...

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## Jaquaia

Everything just seems to have happened at once which is why I have posts all over the forum today.

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## Suzi

:Panda:  :Panda:  :Panda:

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## Jaquaia

I've just told J everything, and I mean everything. I feel better for having done so too. I don't know why I try and hide how I'm feeling from him, he sees through it instantly, I guess part of me is scared he'll decide he's had enough and walk away...

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## Allalone

Well done you!
That’s a massive step you’ve taken. I know how hard it is to open up to someone close.

----------

Jaquaia (09-11-18)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Sending you big hugs. Xx

----------

Jaquaia (09-11-18)

----------


## Paula

:Panda:  sweetheart. Thank you for being honest with us and J, I know how tough that is for you

----------

Jaquaia (09-11-18)

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------

Jaquaia (09-11-18)

----------


## Suzi

That's awesome! I'm proud of you! What did he say?

----------


## Jaquaia

He asked why I hadn't told him any of it and why I'd tried to hide the bit I did tell him. He said when I try and hide things I'm not being me and he can usually tell in seconds. He also revealed he's been reading up a lot on PCOS so he can try and understand how it affects me, and not just the medical stuff but blogs by women affected by it. That made me pretty emotional as no one has ever made that kind of effort for me before, ever.

----------


## Suzi

Good. I'm glad.

----------


## Strugglingmum

How special is that. He obviously cares about you a lot. Xx

----------


## Jaquaia

As corny as it sounds, he's the love of my life. He's seen me at my worst and yet embraces everything about me, he's the only man I've ever really felt completely safe with. He texted me earlier to tell me we're having a day out a week on Wednesday. Only realised about half an hour ago that it's my birthday and it almost made me cry! No one has ever taken me out on my birthday before! And he's said we're visiting old bookshops! How can I not love someone who takes me to bookshops?

----------

Paula (11-11-18)

----------


## Suzi

He's a definite keeper! I'm so glad he's going to spoil you a bit! You definitely deserve it!

----------


## Jaquaia

You will definitely need hats  :O:

----------


## Strugglingmum

> As corny as it sounds, he's the love of my life. He's seen me at my worst and yet embraces everything about me, he's the only man I've ever really felt completely safe with. He texted me earlier to tell me we're having a day out a week on Wednesday. Only realised about half an hour ago that it's my birthday and it almost made me cry! No one has ever taken me out on my birthday before! And he's said we're visiting old bookshops! How can I not love someone who takes me to bookshops?


Awk. You're gonna make me cry. He is definitely a special find. Xxx
Just what you deserve. Xx

----------


## Suzi

> You will definitely need hats


Damn right I need a hat!  :):

----------


## Paula

> You will definitely need hats


I dont do hats. Is that a must?

----------


## Jaquaia

Nope! You'll look fabulously glam without!  :Kiss: 

I'm going to head into town this morning...

ON MY OWN!!!!!!!!!  :Surprised: 

Not been into town since I met Venkat!

----------


## Suzi

What are you going to do in town? Have fun!

----------


## OldMike

> I don’t do hats. Is that a must?


Yup you gotta wear a hat or maybe a fascinator  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm meeting J then I'm not sure. I'm actually pretty proud of myself! I'm feeling a little anxious but it's manageable  :):

----------


## Paula

Im actually pretty proud of you too!

And, Mike, I dont do fascinators either lol

----------


## Suzi

I'm really proud of you too! You're awesome!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm currently sat in costa reading and drinking black forest hot chocolate. J is in the office applying for some jobs a bit closer to home then where he's being transferred so I may have to start working my way through the christmas menu  :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

Good for you!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Wow. Town on your own. I'm impressed. Love Christmas coffee. Enjoy. X

----------


## Jaquaia

It's been a really lovely day! Breakfast and lunch out. The nutella croissant is lush and I think the caramelised orange and cream hot chocolate is my new favourite! 

It felt like we didn't have to hide today, it was absolutely lovely and felt like a proper couple-y lunch out. Then just spent a couple of hours cuddled up at home talking and laughing and he even had a proper conversation with my dad!!!! AND!!!!!! Date night tomorrow!!!!!! And he reminded me to leave next Wednesday free!  :(inlove): 

I feel really peaceful and content tonight but missing him already.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Fantastic.  Xx

----------


## Angie

Glad that you have had a good day hunni x

----------


## Suzi

> It's been a really lovely day! Breakfast and lunch out. The nutella croissant is lush and I think the caramelised orange and cream hot chocolate is my new favourite! 
> 
> It felt like we didn't have to hide today, it was absolutely lovely and felt like a proper couple-y lunch out. Then just spent a couple of hours cuddled up at home talking and laughing and he even had a proper conversation with my dad!!!! AND!!!!!! Date night tomorrow!!!!!! And he reminded me to leave next Wednesday free! 
> 
> I feel really peaceful and content tonight but missing him already.


That's such a wonderful post!!!!!

----------


## OldMike

Black forest hot chocolate the other day and caramelised orange and cream hot chocolate today you lucky girl  :O:  I'm so glad you've had a lovely day out  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

AND!!!!!!!!

Got my first assignment back, lowest score so far, 78  :O: 

Not overly keen on how this tutor marks compared to my last tutor, there is masses of blue text all over my assignment...




> Black forest hot chocolate the other day and caramelised orange and cream hot chocolate today you lucky girl  I'm so glad you've had a lovely day out


They were both today Mike  :O:

----------


## Paula

What a lovely day :):

----------


## Suzi

That's a great positive from a new tutor! Well done!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm feeling really happy and excited today. It's all been positive! I mean town by myself and sitting in a coffee shop on my own reading for a couple of hours AND feeling comfortable with it... unheard of! And really excited about date night tomorrow as I've never had an actual, proper date! EVER!!!

----------

Paula (12-11-18),Strugglingmum (13-11-18)

----------


## Suzi

I'm so thrilled for you!

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh! And I forgot!!! My provisional arrived yesterday too!!!

----------


## Suzi

Wow! Have you booked some driving lessons? 

How are you doing today?

----------


## Jaquaia

It only got posted off a week ago so it's been really quick!!!! Not yet, thinking of starting after Christmas then I can try and save some money and give myself chance to swot up a bit on the highway code.

I'm actually pretty good!!! Giddy and excited as tonight is date night and I've never been on an actual proper date before! I can't wait!!!!  :(inlove):

----------


## Strugglingmum

Woohoo!!! 
Sounds fantastic huni. Have a blast.  Xx

----------

Jaquaia (14-11-18)

----------


## Suzi

Happy Date night day! 

Have you been drinking properly - ok, well up to Suzi and Paula standard.... ???

----------


## Paula

Oooohh Ive been lax in my duties ...... DRINK!!

Having gone through driving lessons with my girls, I can assure you your instructor wont expect you to know the Highway Code on your first lesson  :(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

Probably no where near what I should have had!

I'm actually nervous...

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're having a great time x

----------


## Jaquaia

I had an absolutely wonderful evening! We went for pizza, didn't actually check what films were on or what time they started until we got there, was going to go see Bohemian Rhapsody but it didn't start til nearly 9 and J was tired, so we just ate and talked and smiled a lot and then went back to mine to snuggle up while we watched some Dr Who. It was absolutely perfect  :(inlove):

----------


## Paula

Awww that sounds perfect  :):

----------

Jaquaia (14-11-18)

----------


## Suzi

That does sound like a perfect evening lovely! How are you today?

----------

Jaquaia (14-11-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm actually ok but I am really missing him. 

Being with J has made me realise quite a few things. I'm worthy of being loved for who I am, and not need to change and that someone who truly loves you is there for the bad times as well as the good. I often think that my insecurities will push him away but he always tells me that they are part of who I am. Part of me wishes I'd realised it a long time ago but then my life would have been different and I wouldn't have met J again.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Aw huni. What a fantastic evening and what a wonderful guy. You totally deserve to be loved for who you are and I'm so happy you have someone who does that. Xx

----------

Jaquaia (14-11-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Thank you! I'm not completely convinced that I deserve him but we seem to be really good for each other.  :):

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing today lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok but a bit irritable. Spent a couple of hours with J this morning which was lovely. But started flaring and trying to read and my dad keeps taking to me.

----------


## Paula

I really hope you do remember that you are worthy of being loved! Not that weve been trying to tell you that for a while or anything  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

Have you? You must have been really subtle about it then!  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Sorry your Dad is being a tw8t! When are you seeing J next?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Have you? You must have been really subtle about it then!


 :(giggle):

----------


## Jaquaia

> Sorry your Dad is being a tw8t! When are you seeing J next?


Friday morning. I can't wait  :(inlove):

----------


## Suzi

Not too long then? Brilliant! 
How's it going with him being in the house and her and the children not living together?

----------


## Jaquaia

He's a lot less on edge. She has some more stuff to move out, she was supposed to be doing it on sunday but her mum was meant to be helping and wasn't very well. His mum is just waiting for her to hand her key over and she's planning on gutting the house, in fact, she's already spoken to a joiner about replacing the kitchen! And he said last night about us needing to build a home together, nevermind whose name is on the mortgage  :(inlove):

----------


## Suzi

​Awwww! You don't deserve anything less!

----------


## Jaquaia

I just struggle to believe how lucky I am.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hey, he is lucky too! Everyone deserves to find love. Xxxx

----------


## Suzi

AM is right! He's really lucky to have found someone as kind, funny, generous, lovely, loving, intelligent, supportive, loyal and an all round fantastic human as you!!!!

----------

Jaquaia (15-11-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Awwwww! You'll make me cry!

----------


## Suzi

Don't mean to make you cry, but hope that at some point you'll start seeing yourself positively!

----------


## Jaquaia

It's spending time around you and Paula, it's rubbing off on me (oo-er!)  :(giggle): 

I frequently tell J that I'm awesome! The problem is, it's me being sarcastic!

----------


## Paula

I like to think Im an influential human being  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

Most definitely  :Kiss:

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo, I'm an influential person too!!

----------


## Jaquaia

You certainly are!!!! 

Urgh! I really do detest that bloody woman! Apparently she's told him that he can have a relationship with anyone except me and if she finds out he's seeing me then he will never see the children again...

----------

Suzi (15-11-18)

----------


## Paula

Lovely, the only reason she says it is because she knows it gets to him. So hes going to have to pretend it doesnt get to him - tough, I know, but bitch is the only emotion she recognises .....

----------


## Jaquaia

He actually came out and told her that she can't do that. She's even looking at stopping T having a cab ride over the Christmas holidays just because J's friend is organising it. She's punishing the children because her facade has been shattered and she doesn't like that people have seen her true colours. Or that's what I think anyway.

----------


## Suzi

I think you're probably right. I hope he's keeping a diary of everything....

----------


## Jaquaia

He is. I make sure of that

----------


## Suzi

Good!

----------


## Jaquaia

Woohoo! Stella visit tomorrow!

----------

OldMike (17-11-18),Paula (16-11-18)

----------


## Suzi

Hope you have a great time! Give her a hug from me!

----------


## Jaquaia

Nope. She's woken up not feeling well so maybe tomorrow. And you know she doesn't hug!  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Ahh, but I go in for a hug anyway!
Shame she's not feeling well..

----------


## Jaquaia

I know, I was looking forward to seeing her. Can't be helped though

----------


## Suzi

Hope you have a lovely day anyway.

----------


## Jaquaia

So my lovely sister had yet another go at my mum yesterday about how much has been spent on Scarlett for Christmas yet she won't talk to my dad about it. I would dearly love to slap the selfish, spoilt brat but she isn't worth it! I know my mum doesn't deserve this though, just because she's too much of a coward to talk to our dad herself...

Can choose your friends...

In other news, Stella is here in just over an hour  :(party):

----------


## Flo

Did your lovely sister have a go because not enough is being spent, or too much? How right you are re 'you can choose your friends'....... give Stella my best wishes Jaq. Have a good day both of you.

----------


## Jaquaia

Too much in her opinion. He has gone overboard a bit , I think he's overcompensating as he doesn't see his other grandchildren, but it is him buying things and she's always hinting about stuff she needs but can't afford so he buys them. She should speak to him about it, not constantly have a go at my mum about it.

----------


## Paula

Have a lovely day with Stella!

----------


## Suzi

Hope you've had a lovely day with Stella!

----------


## Jaquaia

We just sat and talked a lot! It was good to catch up! And she's bought me an awesome model of the Iron Throne

----------


## Suzi

That's really fab! So glad you got to spend some time with her.

----------


## Jaquaia

Dynasties is really making me want to see the northern lights!

----------


## Paula

Im watching it now and my hearts breaking  :(:

----------


## Suzi

Wasn't it awesome? Those amazing penguins! 

How are you today gorgeous? Are you drinking? Medicated? Fed?

----------


## Jaquaia

I absolutely love Attenborough! 

I'm ok, tired mainly. Have to confess that I've not done any of that yet. I woke up stiff so showered first instead. Got porridge in the microwave now though.

----------


## Suzi

Drink? Medicated? 

I adore Attenborough too! Fern is a huge fan also so we tend to sit and watch them together!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Ooops that reminds me too. Must take meds. You too Jaq. X

----------


## Jaquaia

All medicated, working on the drinking, had quarter of a bottle of water so far, that's a lot for me by this time! And having a cuppa soup for lunch so getting some fluids in me there.

Spent some time with J this morning  :(inlove):  He's worried that he hasn't spent a lot on me for my birthday bless him.

----------


## Suzi

Pfft, it's not about the cost it's about the thought!

Drink?

----------


## OldMike

Agreed it's a cliche but it's a truism it's the thought that counts.

----------


## Jaquaia

That's exactly what I told him! That the thought and effort going into a gift means so much more to me. I'm glad he told me though so I could reassure him.

----------

Suzi (19-11-18)

----------


## Suzi

Drink?
Sounds like you are both used to being treated badly in the past....

----------


## Jaquaia

We are sadly. But we are helping each other deal with that. Tuesday night for example, he couldn't figure out why I was smiling so much as he's not used to a woman looking happy to be around him

----------


## Suzi

Aww! I think it's lovely...

----------


## Paula

Oh bless him .....

----------


## Jaquaia

Actually done one of my diamond pictures today. Hands are achey but it's been relaxing. Though that peace has just been shattered by trying to explain that she MUST get an appointment with the doctor in the next week and a half as her longtec hasn't been put on repeat...

----------


## Suzi

Oh no! 
How are you this morning? Drink? Meds? Food?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm tired but day out with J to look forward to tomorrow  :(inlove): 

Planning on studying today. Ended up asking my mum if she's seen a heroin addict going cold turkey...

"No"
"Well you'll find out what it's like if you don't get an appointment sorted"

----------


## Paula

Thats all you can do, love. If she doesnt listen, you cant force her

----------


## Jaquaia

Well!!!! Dickhead has only gone and sent me a friends request on fb! He can  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  right off!!!

----------


## Suzi

It is all you can do for your Mum. She needs to take some responsibility for her life....

Dickhead really? I thought you'd made it very clear where he stood?

----------


## Jaquaia

Maybe calling him a parasite and reminding him of just how poorly he treated me was too subtle? 

Apparently the fact that he now has an Aspergers diagnosis doesn't excuse how he treated me but goes some way to explaining it.... erm...no!

----------


## Suzi

Definitely not! We've always been really clear with B that he is never to use his diagnosis to excuse being a dick. Just don't be an arsehole in the first place!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm sticking to my guns, he made my life a living hell, I'm still dealing with the fallout, and it's taken me a long time to feel happy again. He doesn't get to waltz in and ruining that, which is why I didn't even hesitate to decline his request. 

And J is up to something! Told me that if I loved him I would keep my nose out of what he's up to this morning... have a feeling I'll be finding out tomorrow morning!!!!

----------


## Suzi

Awww!!!!

WRT dickhead - I'm so proud of you!!

----------


## OldMike

> Awww!!!!
> 
> WRT dickhead - I'm so proud of you!!


Agreed.

WRT the Cockwomble he made your life a living hell so don't entertain him for a minute.

----------

Suzi (20-11-18)

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):  mike - and I vote for that to be his new nickname!

----------


## Jaquaia

I sent J a screenshot...

"His photo does look like one the Hull Daily Mail might use in an article on a sex offender living in the local area."

 :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

Friend is annoying me going on and on about money today, not very subtly hinting to everyone that he needs to lend something, so ignored the phone when he rang. Told my mum who then says that she was surprised when he asked me to have a baby for him. I ignored her the other day when she said it. I ignored her tonight. But apparently that wasn't clear enough as she felt the need to repeat herself. I think that "oh lets just keep bringing up something that reminds me I can't have children mother" did it though....

----------


## Suzi

:Panda: 



Happy birthday gorgeous!

----------


## Jaquaia

Thank you!

----------


## Allalone

Happy birthday!!

----------

Jaquaia (21-11-18)

----------


## Paula

Hope you have loads of fun, and get completely spoilt!

----------

Jaquaia (21-11-18)

----------


## OldMike

Happy birthday Jaq hope you have a great day  :(party):

----------

Jaquaia (21-11-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I have had the most wonderful day! J took me up to Helmsley. It's lovely, such a pretty town! And he took me for lunch and to the book shop there, then just a walk around the town. We came back via Pocklington and another bookshop. A very simple, quiet day but I absolutely adored every second of it. He has made me feel so special and loved. I've been bought some awesome presents too! Everyone has bought me books, well except my brother, I have to wait until Friday for my card and present from him.... Anyone would think I love reading!!!  :(giggle):

----------

OldMike (21-11-18),Strugglingmum (21-11-18)

----------


## Paula

That really does sound like a wonderful day  :):

----------

Jaquaia (21-11-18)

----------


## OldMike

Yes a truly wonderful day  :):

----------

Jaquaia (21-11-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I mentioned the other day that I wanted to start drawing again, so he bought me a set of artists pencils as well as a full set of Jane Austen's books. I said months ago that though I loved Austen, I didn't have much of her work  :(inlove): . My parents bought me a mini NES (cheeky gits don't even include the power cable so no Mario Bros 3 for me tonight!!! :(rofl): ), and the brand new Game of Thrones book that came out yesterday. I got "The Martian" off my sister and co, been eyeing that up for ages!!! As well as chocs, scented candles and some of those annoying clacker balls  :(rofl): , and a lovely light up box frame from friends. The big surprise though...

J's parents have bought me a gorgeous, rust coloured scarf  :):  I think it's safe to say I'm accepted completely  :):

----------

OldMike (21-11-18)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Awwww. Hunni I am so delighted for you. What a special guy you've got and you so so deserve. And how special to get a lovely gift from his parents. Acceptance indeed. Hope you feel as special as you are. Xx

----------

Jaquaia (21-11-18)

----------


## Paula

Awwwww thats lovely  :):

----------

Jaquaia (21-11-18)

----------


## Suzi

I'm so pleased you've had such a lovely day! You don't deserve anything less!

----------

Jaquaia (21-11-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh my word!!! I've just had a proper look at the scarf and it's absolutely stunning! And 100% silk! I don't get bought gifts like this!!!

----------


## Allalone

Sounds like you’ve had a fantastic day. J sounds perfect!

----------

Jaquaia (21-11-18)

----------


## Suzi

That scarf is beautiful! Absolutely beautiful!

----------

Jaquaia (21-11-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

> Sounds like you’ve had a fantastic day. J sounds perfect!


He is my rock. It may be a cliche but he understands me 




> That scarf is beautiful! Absolutely beautiful!


I'm absolutely stunned! I've only met them once!

----------

Suzi (21-11-18)

----------


## Angie

Glad that you have had such a good day hunni you deserve it, Happy birthday xxx

----------


## Paula

That is beautiful! And I think that proves how much they approve of how good you are for J  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I really hope so. 

I think I'm overtired. My mood is sliding and feeling a little overwhelmed by everything, and lost so going to try and sleep.

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart be kind to yourself. You've got so much going on with uni, the massive realisation about how hideous previous relationships have been and how different this one is, your parents, being accepted by J's parents. 
One step at a time. 
Have you had something to drink? Medicated? Food?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm about 3 weeks behind with uni work but going to try and pace to catch up. I'm medicated and have eaten, had a drink to take my meds with. Just feel tired today. It's not helping that Talia keeps waking me up, 4am this morning...

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Do you know what's up with Talia? 
Have you had more to drink?

----------


## Jaquaia

I think she's been messing around in the garden rather than actually going for a wee on a night and as it's dark I can't see if she's gone or not. And she gets uncovered in the night and cries until she's wrapped up again. 

I haven't actually had anything since I took my morning meds

----------


## Suzi

You have to cover her up at night? When Marc and I were "live in overnight security" at a kennels we had to put all the dogs to bed at night and we had 2 really large dobermans who had to be cuddled up with the right blanket over them and you had to say "night-ity night" to each one and then turn out the lights. If you didn't get it exactly right the bloody things barked and howled ALL NIGHT whether you got it in and redid it or not.........

----------


## Jaquaia

She won't settle in a winter unless she's wrapped up! If she manages to get her chunky butt up on my bed, she tries to dig her way under my quilt. She's a huge pain in the arse

----------


## Suzi

Aww, but you love her anyway!

----------


## Jaquaia

Hmmmm...

I'm actually not a dog person at all. The only reason I took her on when my sister got bored is because my mum was threatening to and she wouldn't have coped. I've always been fairly scared of dogs.

----------


## Suzi

Aww sounds like she's gotten under your skin!

----------


## Paula

Drink?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've had a glass of milkshake and have some water

----------


## Suzi

Eaten?

----------


## Jaquaia

Hard to get away with eating, my mum fusses

----------


## Suzi

How are you this morning?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok. Showered. That's about all I've managed so far. Had a stomach ache for days now which is annoying me

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  Do you know what's causing it?

Maybe you need to drink a bit more?

----------


## Jaquaia

You're probably right

----------


## Suzi

Lol... What's on your agenda for today?

----------


## Jaquaia

At some point, I'm going to start reading 'Persuasion'. Debating between studying or sorting my room out... might swap between both

----------


## Paula

Drink?

----------


## Jaquaia

Quarter of a bottle of water so far...

----------


## Suzi

How big's the bottle? I'm proud of you!

----------


## Jaquaia

About 800ml. Not drank much more than quarter of a bottle but that's actually a lot for me by this time

----------


## Suzi

ooo do you need some more mouthfuls?

----------


## Jaquaia

I never used to drink during the day at school or college, don't think I did at uni much either. I only drank at work because it was so hot and my supervisor was constantly reminding us.

----------


## Suzi

OO it's been a few hours, have you had anything to drink? (I've had 3 glasses of port........)

----------


## Jaquaia

I had a glass of milk and half a glass of lemon and lime with tea...

----------


## Suzi

Ahh, you must be due something else by now..... *handa Jaq a magic glass of lovliness...

----------


## Jaquaia

Just discovered that I never finished the lemon and lime.... oops!

----------


## Suzi

Drink woman!

----------


## Jaquaia

So my dad has guessed about me and J...

----------


## Suzi

and.....

----------


## Jaquaia

He's not said anything to me personally. He came round tonight and my mum told him he was staying for tea. My dad saw how we were together and when we came back up to carry on watching our film, he said to my mum "I thought there was nothing going on between them?". She's played dumb but it doesn't sound like my dad is buying it

----------


## Suzi

Is it a problem if he knows?

----------


## Jaquaia

No, it's only a problem if he tries to do the overprotective father thing. We're very relaxed and at ease around each other and instinctively affectionate, we don't always realise we're doing it, and that's what my dad has picked up on.

----------


## Paula

Every father does the overprotective father thing. My dad still hasnt forgiven Katies dad, 20 years on .....

Why havent you told him before this?

----------


## Jaquaia

Because I don't trust his temper. J is the only man I have ever felt completely safe with, and I mean the ONLY man.

----------


## Allalone

Is it not better to tell him? I mean if he’s already guessed? If you and J are that relaxed with each other then surely he can say that J isn’t going to hurt you.

----------


## Paula

> Because I don't trust his temper. J is the only man I have ever felt completely safe with, and I mean the ONLY man.


 :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

I'm sorry lovely. You and J deserve to be so happy and away from all the negativity!

----------


## Allalone

> Is it not better to tell him? I mean if he’s already guessed? If you and J are that relaxed with each other then surely he can say that J isn’t going to hurt you.


On second thoughts does it matter? As long as you’re both happy, that’s all that counts isn’t it! It’s good that you have someone like J. :(inlove): x

----------


## Jaquaia

J only recently got out of an emotionally and physically abusive marriage. It's been over for years really but the evil bitch had him convinced that everything was all his fault so he stayed for the children believing he deserved it. He only started seeing his marriage for what it was when he met me again, just over a year ago (we were at uni together and lost touch). My dad is aware he's married and only recently separated, he's not aware that it's been going on a while as we couldn't help falling in love. My dad can be quite aggressive, especially when it comes to his children and especially if he's had a lot to drink. I know he just wants his children to be happy and J makes me very happy, but his reactions can be very unpredictable...

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  :Panda:  :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

Spent all day ironing. Back is really hurting now but just starting my second drink of the day now I can sit down...

----------


## OldMike

Ironing you have my sympathy, I do my best to avoid that chore, though I do have that piece of equipment every gentleman should have a trouser press  :):

----------


## Allalone

> J only recently got out of an emotionally and physically abusive marriage. It's been over for years really but the evil bitch had him convinced that everything was all his fault so he stayed for the children believing he deserved it. He only started seeing his marriage for what it was when he met me again, just over a year ago (we were at uni together and lost touch). My dad is aware he's married and only recently separated, he's not aware that it's been going on a while as we couldn't help falling in love. My dad can be quite aggressive, especially when it comes to his children and especially if he's had a lot to drink. I know he just wants his children to be happy and J makes me very happy, but his reactions can be very unpredictable...


It’s so good that you’ve found each other. :(inlove):

----------


## Paula

I dont iron, unless there really is no way around it. When Si moved in with me I told him straight out I wasnt going to do any ironing, the kids always wore clothes that didnt need it growing up and have throws to cover up unironed bed sheets  :O: . I refuse to waste my precious life on chores I hate that can be worked around lol

For those who dont know me well, Im not really a slob, my house is always very clean and tidy and my family and I always clean and well turned out  :(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

People actually iron bed sheets????  :Surprised: 

It needed doing, I was starting to struggle to reach the top  :(giggle): 




> It’s so good that you’ve found each other.


I think so too  :(inlove):

----------


## Paula

> People actually iron bed sheets????


Allegedly - though Ive yet to see proof  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

My sil irons sheets, tea towels, underpants... Oh yes she really truly does. The woman is possessed! 

Jaq, what happened to pacing with it?

----------


## Jaquaia

Erm....  :(angel): 

To be honest, I should have. My lower back and hips hurt and my hand is flaring slightly...

----------


## Suzi

I imagine you are in pain today..... Have you had a drink? Medicated? Food?

----------


## Jaquaia

I woke up really stiff but a shower has helped that. Hands are just stiff and achey, which i can cope with. Drink, meds and food is next on the list

----------


## Suzi

Glad you're not too sore love x

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm even going to pace myself with studying today!

----------


## Suzi

Bloody hell!

----------


## Jaquaia

What???? I listen!!!!  :P:

----------


## OldMike

> What???? I listen!!!!


Woo hoo I think she's got it  :O:

----------


## Suzi

How's it going?

----------


## Paula

> What???? I listen!!!!


*Splutters coffee all over the ipad* you soooo dont !!

----------


## Jaquaia

> How's it going?


Ok! I've stripped and remade both beds and written 5 sides of notes... that's pacing right?  :(think): 




> *Splutters coffee all over the ipad* you soooo don’t !!


 :Surprised:

----------


## Suzi

You are your own worst enemy!

----------


## Jaquaia

I've been watching Dr Who since half 7. Not happy as J has overtaken me!!! How very dare he!!!

----------


## Suzi

OO where are you up to?

----------


## Jaquaia

I missed a lot of the Matt Smith and Clara ones and haven't seen any Peter Capaldi so starting from the series where Amy is pregnant.

----------


## Suzi

WAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY back then? Awesome! You've some awesome and some really crap episodes to come then!

----------


## Jaquaia

Nothing can be as crap as Love and Monsters. HATE that episode!!!

----------


## Jaquaia

NOT happy!!!!!! My mums pain management consultant said about dropping her longtec by 20mg every few weeks to wean her off it. Her doctor said the same when I queried if they'd had the letter from the hospital and dropped her from 120mg twice a day to 110mg twice a day. For some reason, the doctor has put a pharmacist in charge of her dose decrease. The pharmacist rang her last week and didn't even query how she'd cope with the first decrease! She's picked her prescription up today and I've noticed they've dropped her dose by 40mg a day. A 40mg decrease of an opiod drug....

----------


## Suzi

That's terrible! Are you complaining?

----------


## Jaquaia

I am. Bear with me as this could be a long one...

So when my mum saw the pain management consultant, he said that he wanted her to wean off the longtec and to come off it slowly at around 20mg every few weeks. When she saw the doctor, I queried if they'd received the letter, which they had, and he reduced her dose. 

So, originally on 120mg, twice a day. 
120 × 2 = 240mg a day

1st reduction, the GP put her on 110mg twice a day.
110 × 2 = 220mg

20mg reduction yes? For some reason, the pharmacist was put in charge of her reduction but didn't ask how she coped with the first reduction. My mum picked her prescription up yesterday and the pharmacy label clearly stated 90mg twice a day... now last time I did maths;
90 × 90=180
220 - 180 = 40

By my reckoning, she should have been put on 100mg twice a day;
100 × 2 = 200
220 - 200 = 20
So exactly what the consultant said!

The large decrease concerned me so I made her ring the doctors and query it as I thought it was too big a decrease in one go, and queried it with my friend who was a nurse before he was medically retired. The pharmacist managed to convince her she was right so I did go a bit mad at my mum and made her ring back again but this time ask them to talk to me. I have absolutely no idea how I never ended up ranting and raving at her!!! 

She started by giving me the idiots guide to how modified release tablets work, which I told her I knew. I then went through my maths and her response was to tell me how many hours there were in a day!!! Told her I knew and I wasn't stupid, except it kept going like this until I had enough... "Believe it or not, I'm educated. I actually hold an honours degree. I wouldn't have got that far without learning what a day is"

She apologised and admitted that she would probably have interpreted it the same way as I did and she'd try and talk to me the same way she would a fellow pharmacist. Except she wouldn't accept the maths! I even gave her a way out and said that maybe the consultants letter had been misinterpreted but she still insisted it was correct. At that point I told her if she was struggling with the maths then maybe she's in the wrong job.... naughty me! She eventually went to see a doctor who agreed to slow it down and she's going to be on 100mg twice a day. I'm just utterly disgusted. How can a pharmacist argue with the maths??? My mums already struggling massively with the pain.

----------


## Suzi

That's ridiculous! What a complete farce.

----------


## Jaquaia

Tell me about it!!! I was absolutely livid!!!

----------


## Paula

Well done for standing your ground. You did awesomely!

----------


## Jaquaia

I had to Paula or my mum would have suffered. I'm not having her suffering unnecessarily because of medical staff.

----------

Paula (28-11-18)

----------


## Suzi

How are you today gorgeous?

----------


## Jaquaia

Honestly? Not great. I've not got any work done as I couldn't focus, I've manage to wrap Scarletts Christmas presents and that's it. I can tell my heads not been great as I've gotten very insecure with J. Totm isn't helping either.

----------


## Paula

Then you need to give yourself a break and stop beating yourself up. It doesnt matter if you havent done any work today, there is always tomorrow when, hopefully, youll be able to get focussed  :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

Me? Beat myself up? I have no idea what you're talking about....

----------


## Paula

Noooooo  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I have noticed recently that my mood drops when I'm on my period. I mentioned it to J and he's said that he's noticed that too. It's the first time I've ever been able to notice a pattern as it's the first time I've been stable since my early 20s.

----------


## Strugglingmum

That is really an important fact to have noticed Jaq.  Mine dips a bit too and it means I know there is a reason for my dip. It's a n important thing to mention next time you see your Dr. X

----------


## Jaquaia

So much is setting me off crying tonight. It's ridiculous!

----------


## Paula

Nothing wrong with a few tears .... I recommend it  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I just feel stupid. Me and J have been talking about our future and even the thought of him becoming a grandad made me cry!

----------


## Paula

We are all allowed to emotional and irrational and difficult sometimes - especially at totm. And if you cant be those things with your soul mate, when can you?

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart are you keeping a record of it? Are you taking anything like evening primrose or on the pill?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not. Apparently the doctor is reluctant to put me on the pill because of my weight.

Paula, that's exactly what he is  :(inlove):

----------


## Suzi

OK is there any reason you can't take evening primrose?

----------


## Jaquaia

I never really knew about it!

----------


## Suzi

Oh! It takes a few months to get into your system, but I know loads of people who swear by it...

----------


## Jaquaia

Doctors have messed up my prescription. It's supposed to be sent electronically and their system was down. Instead of leaving the electronic prescriptions until the system was back up, they've printed them all out and I have to go and pick it up at the doctors, except no one bothered to let me know. Been going backwards and forwards to the chemist.... They claimed that they couldn't possibly let everyone of their 20,000 patients know but there's no way on this earth that all 20,000 had put repeat prescriptions in for monday. I ended up putting the phone down on her excuses as I've had enough of that place this week. So typically I have to go for blood tests tomorrow....

----------


## Suzi

What a nightmare!

----------


## Jaquaia

I've had enough of them this week. Very nearly ended up in tears again but bourbon biscuits saved the day

----------


## Suzi

You found my stash of bourbons? 

You OK gorgeous lady?

----------


## Jaquaia

It was my dads stash, so shhhhhh... don't tell him! I'm starting to doubt you even have bourbons....

I'm very up and down. I've never realised how much my hormones affected me before, but now the penny has dropped I'm really aware of it.

----------


## Suzi

I so DO have bourbons.... Would you like one?

----------


## Jaquaia

I shouldn't... my dad is making toad in the hole...

----------


## Paula

Oooo yum, I love toad in the hole *slurp*

(Hate bourbons)

----------


## Jaquaia

With Lincolnshire sausages too so yay

----------


## Strugglingmum

Love love love toad in the hole!! 
Also love bourbons however custard creams are the poison if choice here (also known as daddy's gold- yes he hides them from the kids)

----------


## Jaquaia

Why does my dad insist on talking to me about what's in the news???? He bitches about politicians but when I say that's why people need to vote "what's the  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ing point?" That's exactly what the point is!!! As everyone thinking like that means nothing changes!!!! He bitches about benefits amd "scroungers". He bitches about immigrants and won't listen to opposing views, instead regurgitates the bigoted, xenophobic  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  that is published in the tabloids!

Argh!!!!!

----------


## Allalone

Toad in the hole sounds good but living in Cumbria it’s got to be Cumberland sausage!! I prefer custard creams to bourbons but I wouldn’t say no to one Suzi! :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I do prefer Cumberland actually!

----------


## OldMike

Not had toad in the hole for ages, when it comes to bikkies I like Jaffa cakes best  :):

----------


## Suzi

Hope your evening has been a bit easier lovely...

----------


## Jaquaia

Back to watching Dr Who

----------


## Suzi

Awesome way to spend an evening...

----------


## Jaquaia

It would be better snuggled up with J but at least I've got him into Dr Who!!!

----------


## Suzi

How could he not be into Doctor Who? Strange man... 

How are you today gorgeous?

----------


## Jaquaia

He'd never seen it before! But he started watching it because he knew I liked it and he's hooked!!!

I'm ok, a bit flat but ok

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: !!!! What have I done???? I've just messaged a driving instructor to possibly start in January....

----------


## Suzi

That's so exciting! Ben's had a couple of lessons on the track at Mercedes Benz world, but he's starting proper ones on Monday!

----------


## Jaquaia

She's got a load of people testing in January and is going to let me know then, and has said to look at my theory for now.

----------


## Suzi

Good for you!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ting bricks! I couldn't even ring her! I had to message her on fb! How am I going to cope with lessons?!?!

----------


## Paula

Youll be great. I know that cos you ace every challenge you set yourself. Remember how you were bricking it starting your studies? And hows that going???  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm 3 weeks behind!!!!






I know, I know! You're right... *grumbles*

----------

Paula (30-11-18)

----------


## Paula

So not the point lol. Youve passed everything youve done over the past couple of years, usually with high marks and despite not believing in yourself. Driving wont be any different. And dont forget the instructor deals with nervous drivers every day - theyll know how to help you

----------


## Jaquaia

I know you're right. My dad and brother both know her through her husband and have said she's lovely

----------

Paula (30-11-18)

----------


## Suzi

Morning! How are you lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok I think.

----------


## Suzi

You don't sound too sure.... Medicated? Food? Drink?

----------


## Jaquaia

Yes, yes, working on it....

I'm just a bit flat today. Possibly hormones but then I do struggle with them doing something together with the children. It doesn't matter that I know how much he loves me, I find that hard.

----------


## Paula

Its perfectly reasonable to find that hard, hunni.

Have you eaten, drunk, medicated?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I've drunk but even the thought of food makes me feel sick. Likewise meds. I'm not sure they will stay down. Will try them later.

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: !!!

"Do you want to start lessons this Monday?"

*flapping like a flappy thing in flappy town*

----------


## Paula

So you are?

----------


## Jaquaia

Yes. I let her know that I'm in a bit of a panic, I mean I'm physically shaking! But I know if I said no I would keep putting it off

----------


## Strugglingmum

> I've drunk but even the thought of food makes me feel sick. Likewise meds. I'm not sure they will stay down. Will try them later.


Sorry, wrong thread. Shows where my head is

----------


## Jaquaia

No need to apologise lovely!

----------


## Paula

> Yes. I let her know that I'm in a bit of a panic, I mean I'm physically shaking! But I know if I said no I would keep putting it off


Can I just say this again, *not nagging*, that you wont be expected to know the Highway Code on your first lesson ......  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I know but this is me and fear of the unknown sends my anxiety skyrocketing. Propranolol may be a good idea on Monday...

On the other hand, J has so much faith in me that he's already been looking at cars for me!!!!!

----------


## Suzi

Why wouldn't he? You're awesome. You will be able to do this, but you have to take it one bit at a time love....

----------


## Jaquaia

I know. I will be a lot calmer after my first lesson

----------


## Paula

You love a challenge so Im betting youre going to love this one  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm wondering if I'm taking too much on at the same time, what with my degree and my counselling course starting in February

----------


## Paula

Give it a go. If you are struggling, you can just temporarily stop the lessons to take the pressure off but the longer you leave it to start lessons the harder it will become

----------


## Jaquaia

I've left it 18 years!!! Another one won't hurt! 


Oh! I see your point!  :(giggle):

----------

Paula (02-12-18)

----------


## Suzi

You might love it - I love driving and I love my car! You just have to focus on just driving for your driving time though and that might actually be good for you!

How are you doing today?

----------


## Allalone

Hope you don’t mind me dropping in on the conversation! 
Give it a go, I really enjoy the freedom you get from driving. When you’re learning your focus will be just that learning, like Paula said if you find it too much or if you don’t enjoy it press pause for a bit. You won’t know until you give it a go!!

----------


## Jaquaia

It's something I have to do as I'm moving to a village with only 2/3 buses a day, so it is a necessity really. It's kind of exciting and scary all at the same time. 

I'm ok, a bit headachey so going to just plod today.

----------


## Suzi

How's the plodding going?

----------


## Jaquaia

It's gone ok. Wrapped some presents, cleared space for some books. J has been here all evening, he even stayed for tea. Annoyingly, he knows when I'm not right and won't let it slide. 

Oh and I accidentally elbowed him in the head...

----------


## Suzi

How did you accidentally elbow him in the head?

----------


## Jaquaia

We were messing about and I turned my back on him in fake outrage so he went to tickle me...

----------


## Paula

Oops. Thats the sort of thing I do accidentally  :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

Marc broke my fingers years ago when I was tickling him - I hasten to add, it wasn't intentional or malicious and my fingers break really, really easily....However I've never let him forget it!  :(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

He's really milking it!!!! Twat!!! It's a good job I love him  :(inlove):

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  How are you today love?

----------


## Jaquaia

Wet and nervous as hell. It's slinging it down  :=(:

----------


## Suzi

What time's the lesson? (Ben is going at 330 - 530 and it's peeing it down here too!)

Drink?

----------


## Paula

How did it go?

----------


## Jaquaia

3pm. It's only an hour. And this morning J mentioned talking to his parents when I've got some lessons under my belt and seeing if they'll put me on their insurance so he can take me out to practise. Their cars are smaller than his and not poorly!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Jaq when my eldest was learning we were able to get insurance that covered him and not a specific car. It meant he could go out with me in my car or with his dad. I think the company was called marmalade or something like that. They specialise in learners insurance. Might be worth looking into depending on the size of quote you get. X
Good luck, you'll love driving once you get started. And don't worry about the rain, instructors are very experienced in all weather's. X

----------

Suzi (03-12-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

My parents have said no outright to me practising in their car and my brother has said no to going on his insurance. I'll look into that! Thank you!!!

I have a headache now...

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm too old for that one... (that's depressing!) But I have found one. Texted my brother..."So you know you said ages ago about taking me out in your car but then said about insurance...." and sent him the link!

Apparently I'm subtle as a brick!  :(giggle):

----------


## OldMike

Hope all goes well with your driving lesson  :):

----------


## Suzi

Thanks for the marmalade tip! I've just bookmarked it to look at properly! 

Hope you've had a great time Jaq!

----------

Strugglingmum (03-12-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

That is THE scariest thing I have ever done!!!! I kept panicking, stalled about 3 or 4 times, kerbed it once, but I didn't crash!!! But holy  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: !!!!

----------


## Paula

Only 3 or 4?? Sweetheart, Ive managed to stall my automatic car, which Ive been told by many people is completely impossible. Your instructor will expect you to stall

----------


## Strugglingmum

Huni, at times I still stall, especially in a car I've not driven before and I've been driving for 28years and drove all day every day for 20 years as a district nurse. I also confess to hitting the odd kerb, but don't tell A. I think you did awesome for a first time. Freedom is coming Jaq

----------


## Jaquaia

A lot of it is she took me to a quiet area near a school, except it's not quiet near kicking out time is it?! That raised my anxiety levels. There was soooo much info to take in too, but every time I saw head lights in the rear view mirror I panicked as I'm used to being in the car with my dad bitching whenever they're stuck behind a learner and I couldn't help but imagine them doing that too. I only had one "what are you doing?" though and I even managed to steer around someone with her car door open and between a car and a van parked opposite! My road positioning was dodgy a fair bit but I know that will come in time. 

Exhausted now!!!

----------


## Suzi

Erm, what were you expecting? To get straight in and drive with zero mistakes? Sweetheart you're doing brilliantly. It'll all come in time. We all had to start somewhere....

----------


## Jaquaia

To be honest, I was expecting me to have reduced the instructor to a nervous wreck!!!! I could have very easily cried by the end of the lesson

----------


## Suzi

Just take it one bit at a time lovely....

----------


## Paula

You drove, you missed hitting the idiot with the car door open, you got everyone back in one piece (including the car). You did good

----------

Jaquaia (03-12-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I will. My instructor helpfully told me that if she feels like I'm not making progress she'll cancel lessons...

----------


## Suzi

Better that then keep on taking your money....

----------


## Angie

Sweetie Ive been driving nearly 30 years and believe me I'm not perfect you have done so well for your first lesson

----------

Jaquaia (03-12-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

It's scary but I need to do this. I did find it a bit awkward! I have a long body, short arms and legs and a big belly and boobs! Fitting behind the steering wheel so I can depress the clutch all the way was fun!!!!

----------


## Suzi

Does the seat go up and down as well as back and forwards? What about the steering wheel? Move the back of the chair too.... 

How are you this morning?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm tired. Hospital and driving lesson was surprisingly tiring and I have exactly the same next Monday

----------


## Suzi

Can't you change one of them so they are on different days?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'll get rheumatology out of the way as I'm going to get them to chase up the OT and Monday is the only time my instructor is anywhere near me. 

I keep going through the stages of moving the car in my head!!!

----------


## OldMike

> I'll get rheumatology out of the way as I'm going to get them to chase up the OT and Monday is the only time my instructor is anywhere near me. 
> 
> I keep going through the stages of moving the car in my head!!!


Hope you remembered to shout YELLOW CAR every time you saw a yellow car (Cabin Pressure joke there)  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

How are you lovely?

----------


## Paula

Hey lovely, you dont sound great .....

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok, just feeling a bit flat though a bit better now. J took me out for tea, then we just came back and cuddled up. He's only just left as we fell asleep together, the letting him go bit sucks though. Looking forward to 2 weeks today; Travis and then we're finally spending the night together. As nauseating as it may sound, I can't wait to wake up next to him. Just a couple of months ago it felt like we would never get to this stage so this is huge for me.

----------


## Paula

Thats be huge for anyone.  :):

----------


## Suzi

That is huge... 
Drink? Meds? Food?

----------


## Jaquaia

Just. I woke up late and then spent an hour on the phone with J as my phone had died and he had panicked I wasn't ok and had been rushed to the hospital or was angry with him and refusing to speak to him and wasn't letting him apologise... she has a lot to answer for  :@: 

Still, am showered, fed, medicated, I have a drink and have promised J that I will drink more today as I only had a glass of pepsi and water to take my meds with yesterday...

----------


## Allalone

Oh bless him!

Well done on the meds, food and drink. :(y):

----------


## Suzi

Oh poor J! 

How's the drinking going??

----------


## Jaquaia

He's popping round after work to watch the Apprentice with me so I'm going to give him lots and lots of hugs and as much reassurance as he needs. 

It's going slowly but I am still sipping. Trying to do some work today, not getting very far with it though. Keep getting distracted by music

----------


## Suzi

Keep drinking love..

----------


## Jaquaia

Doing better today but it's a struggle. On my 3rd drink, still not enough though really.

----------


## Suzi

But it's better than yesterday! So it's going in the right direction!

----------


## Jaquaia

That is true. It's trying to break a lifetime of bad habits really.

----------


## Suzi

One sip at a time!

----------


## Paula

Hey, lovely, youre quiet ....

----------


## Suzi

Had noticed the same thing.... 

Should I/we be worried?

----------


## Jaquaia

Just having one of them days. Struggling with my anxiety, struggled to do much work, struggled being around my parents so retreated to watch Dr Who and eaten too much chocolate!

----------


## Strugglingmum

:Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

And now netflix has died in the middle of an episode of Dr Who that I haven't seen  :=(:

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Allalone

Have you not got a sonic screwdriver to fix it?! :(giggle): 
 :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

:(giggle): 

All better now! Had to reset everything

----------


## Suzi

Morning gorgeous, hope today is less anxious and brighter for you. Do you have any plans for today or the weekend?

----------


## Jaquaia

It's ok so far. Managed to shower and already eaten and medicated. Even managed quarter of a bottle of water! Just feeling flat and empty...

Plans are mainly studying! I have an essay due the 8th Jan and I'm about 4 weeks behind so need to catch up. J thinks Cruella is having the children Sunday and if she is we're spending the evening together :):

----------


## Suzi

When is he having them? 

Well done on the drinking! That's awesome. 
Will you pace if you're feeling flat?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tonight, as she's got a show, and tomorrow night. He's training on opening the box on Monday so starts work before 6am. And we're doing something Tuesday evening too. 

I will try

----------


## Suzi

It's lovely that you're getting to spend more time with him. 

Thank you for trying. Have you had another drink yet?

----------


## Jaquaia

I haven't. That's my next job

----------


## Suzi

How's it going love?

----------


## Jaquaia

It's going ok I suppose. Finally finished my chapter so can start with the website based stuff and done the social thing with my brother

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like you're working hard, but also taking breaks... Impressive! 

So, how are you this morning? Drink? Meds? Food?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm tired and headachey, slightly on edge and irritable. I should really study but don't think I could focus today.

----------


## Suzi

Can you do something different to distract?

----------


## Jaquaia

Thinking knitting but keep getting a sharp shooting pain through my wrist.

In other news, J asked me to go sofa shopping with him in the new year. He said he's hoping I'll be spending a lot of time there and he wants me to be comfortable. Of course, I was a total girl about it...

----------


## Suzi

Yay for sofa shopping!

How's your day been?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've just binge watched Dr Who all day. Not felt up to doing anything else, can't shift this headache

----------


## Suzi

I've a cracking one too. I even went for a lie down earlier and slept for an hour... Planning on going back to bed soon x

----------


## Jaquaia

I've even taken paracetamol and been drinking so I'm less dehydrated than normal. It's all around my left eye at the moment

----------


## Suzi

Did you get any sleep? Has it lifted at all?

----------


## Jaquaia

I slept but Talia is a knobhead, she woke me up at 3am...

It's lifted a bit but my head still feels tight itms?

----------


## Paula

Possibly a stress headache? Is it usual for Talia to do this?

----------


## Jaquaia

She never used to but since it's been getting colder she's done it a few times. I think some nights when I let her out for a wee, she's being a dick and not actually going! Other nights it's because she's got out from under her blanket and is cold. I'd just started dozing off after letting her out when she was walking around the room again crying as she wanted wrapping up again. 

I think I may have a sinus infection as it's all around my eyes again and my nose feels awful.

----------


## Suzi

Try olbus oil and steam... 

It was 4am in my house with Crash. It's the sodding foxes in the empty house and garden opposite. 

Are you drinking? Eating? Taking your meds?

----------


## Jaquaia

All done. I was going to do some studying today but I don't think this pain behind my eye will let me do much really

----------


## Paula

Well done for listening to your body

----------


## Jaquaia

It had to happen at some point  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

About time! 
Hope it's shifted!

----------


## Jaquaia

Pretty much. Mood is much better too, spent the entire evening with J.

----------


## Suzi

How are you today lovely? 

Drink?

----------


## Jaquaia

Stupid dog!!!! Half 4 this morning! Ended up talking to J as he drove to work. Alarm went off at 8 but fell back to sleep so woke up at 10 with just enough time to get ready for my appointment...

----------


## Jaquaia

Appointment was at 10 past 11, got in at 2 minutes to 12. 
What meds are you on? - told her
How long are you stiff for in a morning - actually still a bit stiff now
Make a fist, straighten it. Does that hurt? Raise your arms. -
Not painful, more of a dull, throbbing ache
Everything is fine, see you in 8 months... outside the front of the hospital by 3 minutes past 12!

Taken about half my tablets, the important ones anyway, and grabbed a bag of monster munch amd a bottle of oasis at the hospital. Might as well have stayed at home!

Driving lesson this afternoon...

----------


## Paula

Ah nope, no matter how short the appointment was, it shows youre engaging with your medical team. Thats vital in itself.

Good luck with your driving lesson  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I'll need it. I can remember hardly anything that she said about the clutch!!!

----------


## Suzi

Hope you've had fun driving! 

Well done on getting through the appointment.

----------


## Jaquaia

I forgot to take my propranolol. Heart is racing now, shaking and just argh!!!! Right now I'm not liking it at all. It probably wasn't as bad as I think, she told me well done quite a few times, but I'm getting confused with my feet, she keeps telling me that I'm not going fast enough and she wants me doing 30 next week. Roundabouts next week too. I'm oversteering or not steering enough, I'm flapping over gear changes and not being gentle enough, she's panicking me slightly over how slow I am at junctions and I could happily sit and cry. I'm really not enjoying it at the moment

----------


## Paula

I promise you that youre doing what every other learner does on their second lesson and it will get easier. Your brain will put it all together far sooner than you think. Have faith

----------


## Jaquaia

That's what J said. I think he could tell I was upset over it as he rang me. I feel a lot calmer for talking to him, I just feel a bit pressured and rushed. He's going to look at getting me on his insurance in February so he can take me out to practise. I will admit that I was about ready to quit today...

----------


## Paula

Was the instructor pressuring you or were you doing it to yourself?

----------


## Jaquaia

Probably a combination of both. I personally aren't convonced that I'm ready to tackle roundabouts, my road positioning is awful and my clutch control is an issue

----------


## Paula

But theyre the expert - and was recommended to you so hopefully is a decent instructor. They will have done this before

----------


## Jaquaia

I think a lot of it comes down to me expecting too much of myself

----------


## Suzi

Do you trust her?

Editing to add:

I've just talked this over with Ben who has had 2 lessons. 
For comparison he has done:

Moving away
Normal driving position
Parked position
with reference positions for both
Should be 1m away from curb

Left hand turn, which he f*cked up "tragically murdering the curb and nearly ruining the alloys"
turning in the road no faster than 2mph

Premoving checks - doors, seat, stearing, seatbelt mirrors.

Sweetheart if you think she'd pushing you too far too fast then change. I can't recommend our BSM instructor highly enough - I can get you a local recommendation of someone with them for you from Ben's instructor? I told her B had aspies and she said it didn't make any difference because she'll take things as slowly or as fast as he's ready for.

----------


## Jaquaia

I think so. I need a lot of patience really and I'm wondering if she'll have enough patience to stick with me before she decides I'm not progressing

----------


## Suzi

Do you want me to see if Claire knows of your local team? BTW, Claire is an ex ambulance driver so perfect under stressful situations. Ben feels safe, she's lovely and I learnt to drive with BSM and Jim was an awesome instructor!

----------


## Jaquaia

I've pretty much done the same as Ben. Maybe I'm just not ready, maybe my anxiety isn't as under control as I thought.

----------


## Suzi

Maybe you think you should be further forward than you are?

----------


## Jaquaia

That's probably a huge part of it

----------


## Suzi

Then maybe you need to remember that it is only your second lesson! You wouldn't expect to play a piano concerto when you've only had 2 lessons would you? It's practise... and patience...

----------


## Jaquaia

I think I always expect too much of myself, I don't know how to change that

----------


## Suzi

You need to believe that you will get there, it just might not come instantaneously.. 
If the gears thing is something you don't get then you can always change to an automatic like my bil did... 

How are you today lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tired. Woke up with a headache. Found a video on youtube on clutch control though!!! Kind of helping as I can see what he's doing with his feet!

----------


## Suzi

How's your day been? Drinking at all?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've got a decent chunk of studying done. Had some pure orange this morning and a bottle of coke during the day. J is coming round tonight and we're watching a film so he will take over nagging duties  :O:  he even made me send him a photo of my orange this morning!!! Don't think he trusts me to drink of my own accord  :(think):  struggling today as I think I've slept funny as my neck hurts.

----------


## Paula

Lol, the more I hear of J the more I like him  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

It's like he channels Suzi!!! I spoke to him as he drove to work, he asked if I'd had a drink yet and then gave me a list!!! "When we get off the phone you're going to get a shower, a drink and breakfast aren't you. That's not really a question by the way..." or words to that effect...

----------


## Suzi

He speaks sense......  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

Ffs!!! The doctors have done the same with my mums meds!!!! Dropped her from 100mg to 80mg...

----------


## Suzi

Oh ffs! Have you sorted it?

----------


## Jaquaia

The receptionist is supposed to be passing it on to the doctor. If she doesn't hear back tonight I will ring back tomorrow.

----------


## Suzi

It shouldn't be this hard surely?

----------


## Jaquaia

It shouldn't be. And now my dad is  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ed as he's been drinking all day, has had a right go at my mum over a pair of slippers, slammed round the kitchen like a toddler in a strop over god only knows what, and is constantly repeating himself. I'm struggling to deal with him today!

----------


## Suzi

Isn't his scan coming up?

----------


## Jaquaia

He ended up seeing the consultant who is sending him for a scan. He's put him on some tablets which he's starting tomorrow. Feeling calmer now as spent the evening with J

----------


## Suzi

Glad that they have given him something to hopefully help. 

How are you this morning?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tired. It's been a difficult week.

----------


## Paula

Rest today?

----------


## Jaquaia

Studying today. I'm 5 weeks behind. But I will try and take regular breaks

----------


## Jaquaia

Same fiasco with my mums meds today too, except this time the GP has said it's right. How can they insist she drops an opioid medication by 40mg a day when she's said how hard she's finding it reducing by 20mg???

Edit: the doctor rang me, turns out he had looked at the day the 2 tablets were issued, and hadn't seen the second prescription issued for the 10mg. He admitted straightaway that I was right and apologised and is sorting her out another prescription. He's also adding a note that only 1 or 2 people are too look after her withdrawal

----------


## Paula

That goodness thats sorted....please try to relax a bit now

----------


## Jaquaia

I can try but I'm very conscious of how far behind I am.

----------


## Suzi

You will get caught up, you just need to take it page by page...

----------


## Jaquaia

I think I'm going to give it up as a bad job today. Dad has asked me to cook tea, he must be in pain to ask me! So going to go get that started, grab another drink, and then just do some wrapping and finish my book.

----------


## Paula

Hmmm, almost pacing but can you focus more on finishing the book rather than wrapping?

----------


## Jaquaia

No wrapping, not even opened my book yet! Sister wants me to find her some photos of our grandparents before Christmas but my parents have no idea where the photos are! Getting irritated that she can't ask herself or come and look herself but can't really say anything with how she is...

----------


## Suzi

Hope you've managed at least some pacing lovely...

----------


## Jaquaia

Tonight will be me and the Doctor and the tree chocolates that my mum bought to go on a 3ft tree thats near both the fire and the dogs bed.... don't think her head was working properly that day but I benefit so yay!  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Enjoy! lol

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh!!!! And realised today that I'm 1lb off a total 3st loss from my heaviest!!!!

----------


## Paula

:(party):  awesome! Youre amazing and an inspiration to me  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I certainly don't see myself as an inspiration

----------


## Paula

Well you are. So there  :P:

----------


## Jaquaia

I think that is me told!  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Wow that's amazing!!!

----------


## Paula

Hey, lovely, youve gone quiet on us ....

----------


## Jaquaia

It's been a tough week and I've done my usual trick of retreating...

----------


## Paula

Id noticed ...... are you taking it easy tomorrow?

----------


## Jaquaia

Popping out for a bit of shopping then studying. Need to start catching up, and a driving lesson in the afternoon. Then Tuesday I'm going up to Bridlington to meet J from work as we're seeing Travis Tuesday night and he's taking me to the Railway Museum on Wednesday. Then Sarah is on about coming up on Thursday. Then more studying.... I can rest at Christmas though I'm worried about J

----------


## Paula

Worried about him why?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'll put it all in my other thread when I get a moment.

----------

Paula (16-12-18)

----------


## Suzi

How are you this morning lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

Ok. Tired and a bit irritable.... want a dog???

----------


## Suzi

Erm I have 2 already... Not sure I fancy another....

----------


## Jaquaia

She loves cuddles? Sleeps all day? Cries when she misses you?

----------


## Suzi

Oh go on then, you deliver and we'll take her  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

Did I mention the early morning wake up calls because she's got out from under her blanket and wants wrapping up again? Half past 6 this morning...

----------


## Jaquaia

I drove home!!!!! And my gear changes were much better!!! And I only stalled a handful of times!!!! And misjudged stopping on one roundabout!!!! But I asked her if we could pull over after the roundabout and go through stopping again! So yay!!!!! Not come home feeling like quitting!!!  :(party):  :(party):  :(party):

----------


## Angie

Awww brilliant  :):

----------

Jaquaia (17-12-18)

----------


## Flo

Trust me Jaq, after a few more weeks everything will become second nature and stalling will become a thing of the past. Don't even think of quitting. Driving is everyone's ticket to freedom!

----------

Jaquaia (17-12-18)

----------


## Paula

Good  :):

----------

Jaquaia (17-12-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh and I only swore once!!!!

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo!!!!!

----------

Jaquaia (17-12-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh and it's Travis tomorrow!!!!!!  :(party):

----------


## Allalone

Well done Jaq!

Enjoy Travis tomorrow!xx

----------

Jaquaia (17-12-18)

----------


## Paula

So far, then, a more positive week than last? Im so proud of you pushing through  :Kiss:

----------


## Jaquaia

So far! Already packed my bag for J's tomorrow, just need to sling in my deodorant and shampoo tomorrow! (Spare shower gel and toothbrush before anyone says anything  :O: ) Even put in my textbook as I have 45 minutes on the train to Bridlington and an hour and a bit until he finishes work so chance to get some work done. I have the tickets in my purse. I shall grab my meds when I go downstairs... I'm actually organised!!!! And still really proud that I drove home!!!!

----------


## Suzi

So proud of you! Can you make sure you drink too please!

Have a flipping brilliant time!

----------


## Jaquaia

I can't wait! They're touring "The Man Who", it's one of the first albums I ever owned!

----------


## Allalone

And we are all proud of you too! :(y): 

Sounds like someone is a little excited about tomorrow?!

----------

Jaquaia (17-12-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I am! I get to see a band I really like and I don't have to say goodbye to J as I'll be going home with him!  :(inlove):

----------


## Suzi

Couldn't be happier for you! 

Now... Please take the adequate precautions to be safe, no leaving drinks unattended, carry a loud whistle wherever you go and make sure you always have a "get out" if you need one... Also if you can't be good be careful  :O:

----------

Jaquaia (17-12-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I took precautions! Knowing how both of us are with anxiety in crowded places, end of row balcony seats!!!  :(party): 
I am always good  :(angel):

----------


## Allalone

Suzi you forgot to say umbrella....just in case it rains!! :(rofl):

----------

Jaquaia (17-12-18)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Have an amazing time huni. So excited for you. Now do be careful.  
Stay together at all times. Xx

----------

Jaquaia (17-12-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

When I say yes mum, I mean all of you!  :(giggle):

----------


## Paula

> When I say yes mum, I mean all of you!


What?? I dont know what youre talking about!  :(rofl): 

You will have an amazing time  :):

----------


## Suzi

Have you remembered your meds? Drinks? Food? 
Jumper in case you're cold and sensible footwear? What about a hi vis armband so you can be easily spotted in a crowd? Arranged a place to meet if you get separated?

----------


## Jaquaia

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):  I love you lot!!!! I don't love my dog right now though. Awake at 4, then again at half 5 cleaning poo up off my bedroom floor!!!

----------


## Suzi

Oh no! That's a horrible thing to wake up to!

----------


## Jaquaia

What I absolutely hate though is she looked absolutely terrified, as if she expected to be in trouble. I know my sister used to hit her when she had an accident and I think my cousins husband may have when she was with them, and I know with them, she was blamed for any mess, even if it was their other dog.

----------


## Suzi

Aww poor Talia!

----------


## Jaquaia

Just got on the train to Bridlington... I'm all excited now and actually nervous!!! 

Random fact for you all. Paragon Station in Hull is where John Cleese filmed thw station bit at the start of Clockwise, and the main part of the railway station hasn't changed since then!

----------


## Suzi

Love that film! 

Be safe please! But have fun and always keep a set of handcuff keys easily to hand!  :):

----------


## Paula

I think that says more about you, Suzi  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I have no idea what on earth you're implying Suzi!  :(angel):

----------


## OldMike

> Love that film! 
> 
> Be safe please! But have fun and always keep a set of handcuff keys easily to hand!


Jaq make sure they're pink fluffy handcuffs  :(giggle):

----------

Suzi (18-12-18)

----------


## Suzi

> I think that says more about you, Suzi


  :(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl): 




> I have no idea what on earth you're implying Suzi!


 lol....

----------


## Jaquaia

Turin Brakes were fab!!! Just waiting for Travis but having a lovely evening :):

----------

Angie (18-12-18),OldMike (19-12-18)

----------


## Allalone

I’m pleased you’re enjoying your evening.

----------


## Angie

:): .....

----------


## Strugglingmum

Whoop whoop.  X

----------


## Paula

:(party):

----------


## Jaquaia

Travis were absolutely amazing!!!!! Took me right back to my teens!!!! And it was hilarious when Fran forgot the words to one song. It was such a good night!

----------

OldMike (19-12-18),Paula (19-12-18)

----------


## Angie

Glad that you had a good time hunni x

----------


## Suzi

So glad you had a wonderful time!

----------


## Jaquaia

It was lovely being able to fall asleep and wake up next to him, it's the best I've slept in a long time. His cat has surprised him too, apparently it takes him ages to get used to people and he expected him to shoot upstairs and not be seen much while I was there, except he took to me straight away and I was able to stroke him within an hour and he was climbing all over me by the time we left for town and ignored J's hand to come to me for a stroke this morning  :(giggle):

----------


## Paula

Cats are notoriously unfaithful  :(rofl): . What do you think Thalia would make of the cat?  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

She'll attack him, I won't be able to take her when I move in. I'll have to leave her here and just carry on paying for vets etc. To be honest, I'm not a dog person. I only took her on as I felt cornered. My mum was going to take her and with my dad working she would never have managed. I feel like I'll be letting everyone down though  :(:

----------


## Suzi

It's lovely that you had such a good sleep... You couldn't let anyone down.

----------


## Strugglingmum

What a lovely time you've had. Xxx

----------

Jaquaia (19-12-18)

----------


## Paula

How is putting the dogs needs first letting anyone down?

----------


## Jaquaia

> It's lovely that you had such a good sleep... You couldn't let anyone down.


I reckon I probably could. I'm struggling with the fact that he is taking T to the panto with Cruella tomorrow. I'm struggling with the fact that they're taking him again with A and his oldies in January. The tickets were booked in March, I suggested them still doing that with the kids as I thought it might be good for them and now it's that time, I'm finding it really difficult. I feel like I'm letting him down by resenting them doing this for the children...




> How is putting the dogs needs first letting anyone down?


When am I ever not hard on myself?

----------


## Paula

No. Feeling this way is not letting him down. Feeling this way and throwing a hissy fit, demanding he cancel would be letting him down. But you were never going to do that ....

----------


## Jaquaia

He always tells me that I'm entitled to feel however I want to feel, I just need to talk to him about it. It frustrates the hell out of him when I shut down but I get it into my head that he'll feel bad if I tell him what's upsetting me and I want to protect him.

----------


## Suzi

If it was the other way round how would you feel if he kept it from you?

----------


## Flo

You ARE entitled to feel however you want to feel, but you don't have to share everything with him! If you don't want him to feel bad then don't tell him! Accept what is and what they're doing. Don't forget that one day it'll be you and him. He has a past that you already accept. Don't feel bad about how you feel it's perfectly natural. Hold your head up high and smile and be the woman he fell in love with. Resentment and anger eat away at us if we let it. They're a dangerous commodity and you don't need them. You already have all of him, the rest is an irritation that's all. :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

> If it was the other way round how would you feel if he kept it from you?


I would want him to tell me but I think he's more important than me

----------


## Suzi

He's not. I promise you x

----------


## Jaquaia

He says that too

----------


## Suzi

Then he is right. You are BOTH important.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not sure if I will ever see it

----------


## Suzi

You will.... even a little bit. But for now can you believe that we believe it?

How are you today?

----------


## Jaquaia

I can try. 

I'm struggling today but Sarah is coming for a visit so that should he good.

----------


## Paula

:(hi):  Sarah

----------


## Suzi

Hope you've had a lovely time!

----------


## Jaquaia

She's just left. It was nice to be able to catch up

----------

Paula (20-12-18)

----------


## Paula

How are you feeling..

----------


## Jaquaia

A bit flat. I'll survive

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (20-12-18)

----------


## Suzi

How are you today lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

Still a bit flat but making peppermint coconut ice today and just showered Talia so getting things done at least. She smells of cherry and vanilla now. Even put a wash in. The plan is make the coconut ice and then do some studying.

----------


## Suzi

How goes it gorgeous?

----------


## Jaquaia

That wash I put in...  yeah only just gone in the dryer! The washer wasn't draining properly, think because the sink was a little blocked, so the soap had nowhere to go, the sensors were registering the soap and so extending the cycle. Dad has been rabbiting on at me about it even after I read him the troubleshooting section and I'm a little on edge now!!!! I had intended to do a good bit of uni work and hardly managed any... I give up! But I have managed to sort out a payment plan for yet another payment plan dickhead landed me with...

----------


## Suzi

You're awesome! 
Can your Dad sort the plumbing issues? 
Are you resting now?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm having a break from studying now. My dad has been drinking again...

----------


## Paula

Oh hunni  :(: . Are you planning on doing anything nice for yourself tonight?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm studying for a bit then going to watch Dr Who

----------

Paula (21-12-18)

----------


## Suzi

Good. 

What plans have you got for the weekend?

----------


## Jaquaia

Baking highlander biscuits and gingerbread reindeer tomorrow, finishing the coconut ice, changing the beds, wrapping the last couple of pressies and studying. Sunday is decorating the gingerbread reindeer, studying and snuggles with J

----------


## Allalone

Sounds like a lovely weekend but get some rest too.xx

----------

Paula (21-12-18)

----------


## Suzi

Erm rest? Pacing?

----------


## Jaquaia

Slight change of plans! Spending sunday evening at J's now. We're going to order in a pizza and snuggle up with a film once I've wrapped his presents for the kids. Can't wait.  I feel like I'm home when I'm with him  :(inlove):

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo!!!!

----------


## Paula

Awwww

----------


## Jaquaia

Someones cutting onions... my mums watching Hachi... :=(:  :=(:  :=(:  :=(:

----------


## Jaquaia

Peppermint coconut ice 


Gingerbread men and reindeer


And cinnamon and plain highlander biscuits!


And veg on the sofa!!! Only got my bed to make now....

----------


## OldMike

Brilliant Jaq the gingerbread men are so cute  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I've not baked in over a year so pretty proud of myself right now, though knackered!

----------


## Paula

Ooo yum! You are so talented  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm shattered now. Made both beds too and done the last bit of wrapping so vegging now with chocolate and Dr Who

----------


## Suzi

Those look amazing - but what are highlander biscuits?

----------


## Jaquaia

A bit like shortbread except it's caster sugar, butter, plain flour and ground rice. I left one lot plain and added a teaspoon of cinnamon to the other. My mum loves them, I usually add lemon essence but never bought any ghis year.

----------


## Suzi

oo those sound lovely....

----------


## Jaquaia

Woohoo!!! Made it to Beverley and to the shopping centre on my own with minimal anxiety!!! Even treated myself to lunch in Starbucks so I'm currently relaxing with a candy cane hot chocolate and Jane Austen. I even managed to get the comfy seats!!!!

----------


## Suzi

Candy Cane hot chocolate? 
Well done love on all those counts!

----------


## Jaquaia

It's lush!!! Annoyingly being on your own means you can't really go to the loo or grab another drink without taking all your bags with you!!! Though it is fairly quiet now.

----------


## Paula

Sooooooo proud!

----------


## Suzi

How's the rest of your day been lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

It was really lovely. I wrapped his Christmas presents for him and we ordered pizza and just watched some tv then went to his parents as I had a gift for them. Turns out they had a gift for me too but not opened it yet!!! Ended up spending 3 hours there and I felt really comfortable with them. He's only just left as I had a bit of a wobble, knowing I have to say goodbye, even though I know that I always get him back, is hard.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

So I bought my mum this...
Tiger Head Complete Counted Cross Stitch Kit 10" x 9.5" A2162 https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0033777..._1Uw4S9sPXuUXW

Guess who's going to be a busy girl!!!

----------


## Paula

Thats beautiful  :(inlove):

----------


## Suzi

So glad you've spent some time with J. That tiger is amazing!

----------


## Jaquaia

It's going to take me a long time.

Got to admit that I'm struggling tonight. I just want to sleep through the next few days

----------


## Suzi

They bought it for you? Awesome! 

I'm sorry you're struggling lovely....

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh! No, that's my mums Christmas present. She can't do it herself because of her hands so she's going to end up with a lot of my time too. Not sure what his parents have got me yet as I haven't opened it, but J got me a Dr Who novel which was impossible to get a few years ago, a Bluetones dvd and some art stuff; sketch pad, charcoal and watercolour pencils.

I have to go play happy families tomorrow at my sisters and I know that J has to go play happy families with Cruella, despite the massive amount of abuse she's given him tonight. It just reminds me that I'm never going to be a mum. I don't get to experience the excitement in my childs eyes because my stupid body doesn't work properly. I never get to be woken up with "mummy, he's been" because I'm broken yet women like her get to be mums. It's absolutely heartbreaking tonight. It hurts more than I can put into words right now

----------


## Allalone

:Panda:

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

My niece and my cousins wife are feeling the same. They are heartbroken too... I wish I could wave a magic wand - I know my god daughter has had ivf and it's worked for them... Could that be an option in the future?

----------


## Jaquaia

J doesn't want any more children, he had a vasectomy a few years ago. Besides, I wouldn't be considered for any fertility treatment anyway until I lost a lot more weight. There's no telling how long that will take and then I need to be off my rheumatoid arthritis meds for a clear 6 months, which will leave me in a lot of pain, plus with the vortioxetine being so new they don't really know if it's safe in pregnancy so I would need to come off that too... I don't think my mental health would be up to trying if it didn't work, though J has said he loves me enough to let me go if I really wanted to try. I've accepted that it won't happen but I get 2 beautiful step-children. J knows that sometimes I will be even more fragile and need a lot more love and support and is always there for me. It's hard but I will manage.

Anyway, I get the impression that people think I like reading... 10 books off my oldies, 3 of my brother and his girlfriend, 1 off my sister and her boyfriend and a book on how to draw fairies, and a book off J! The oldies also got me a gorgeous oilcloth satchel bag, and series 6 and 7 of Not Going Out, my sister also got me the obligatory orange smarties and a framed GoT quote, Scarlett has made me a handprint picture  :(inlove):  and J also bought me a Bluetones dvd, a sketchpad and some charcoal and watercolour pencils... have I mentioned how amazing that man is???  :(inlove):  Not forgetting a gorgeous photo album from Sarah and a lovely pair of silver studs from the future in-laws

I feel completely spoilt!

----------


## Suzi

You don't deserve anything less. 
Jaq you're going to be the best step mum that any child could be lucky enough to have...

----------


## Jaquaia

I hope so. Those children desperately need some security and happy memories.

----------


## Suzi

Which you will provide in abundance...

----------


## Paula

^^^wss

----------


## Jaquaia

I keep massively overthinking it... will she follow through and try to stop him from seeing ghe children because of me? Will she try and turn them against me? Will they hate me? Constantly going round and round my head

----------


## Paula

This might help re rights.

https://childlawadvice.org.uk/inform...pages/contact/

She might try to turn them against you but it wont happen - theyll only have to meet you once to know how wonderful a person you are. And kids arent stupid, they can see how things really are

----------

Suzi (26-12-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Thanks Paula. She's been absolutely vile today, pushed him, threw a knife in his direction, trapped his arm in a door, had a go at him for not buying her a gift among other things... he's said he's not doing it like this next year.

----------


## Flo

> I keep massively overthinking it... will she follow through and try to stop him from seeing ghe children because of me? Will she try and turn them against me? Will they hate me? Constantly going round and round my head


Jaq....keep this in your head. Cruella CANNOT stop you seeing the children if they're with J. For example: 'The Horse'...Zoe's boyfriend's ex, said exactly the same thing. "You're not seeing the boys if 'she's' there!!!.....dream on Horse! Zoe spent last Sunday at Hec's house not only with the 2 little boys, but with his girls too!! They spent the day making chocs. by pouring melted choc into moulds. The boys - 6 and 3 - wrapped theirs up in festive bags and gave them to their mother!!! Haha! they also baked fairy cakes. They had a wonderful time, and they love Z to bits! So much for that idea! there were no repercussions, why? because she hasn't got a leg to stand on!......you've got to stop thinking negative about Cruella's kids. If you're living  with Jay, you're going to see them whether she likes it or not! They'll love you. There is nothing that C can do about it! Besides, she'll probably have another bloke in tow soon so you'll probably have them a lot. She'll soon forget about them. You're new year's resolution (it has to be mine too) is to kick the negative stuff into touch and be safe in the knowledge that every time that bitch says or does something evil, she's just digging a bloody great hole for herself. Happy Boxing day.xx

----------

Allalone (26-12-18),Suzi (26-12-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm so pleased that Z is now seeing his kids!!! J thinks they'll love me, I do knownyou're right though.

----------


## Flo

> I'm so pleased that Z is now seeing his kids!!! J thinks they'll love me, I do knownyou're right though.


Course I am! And J is right! They'll love you to bits! How could they not? You have a loving and stable relationship with J. You both have all the ingredients necessary for two little kids to have a lovely life! I wouldn't be at all surprised if C fouls things up so much that J gets full custody of both! Now that's a thought. My Jay got full custody of my granddaughter because her mother is as mad as a box of frogs! :(giggle):

----------


## Jaquaia

The kids had an utterly miserable day yesterday. T was tearful last night because he didn't like how she was talking to J, and A kept saying "mummy was shouting at you and pushing you wasn't she daddy". It's so wrong. They would be much better off with him really.

----------


## Suzi

Paula and Flo are totally spot on. They really will be so much better off when the split is definite, permanent and totally in force.

----------


## Jaquaia

Sometimes I wish I could turn my head off, I tend to overthink everything. 

Ended up spending my morning cooking buffet food for tea and have burnt both hands, so settled down watching Passport to Pimlico.

----------


## Paula

Have you dressed your hands? Do you need to see a doctor?

----------


## Jaquaia

They're just small burns but they sting a fair bit

----------


## Suzi

Oh no! How did you burn them? Are they clean and being looked after? 

Want to talk about what's going on in your head?

----------


## Jaquaia

I caught them on the heating elements in the cooker. 

I constantly worry that he'll decide having his children every day will be worth going back to her. I constantly worry that he'll realise that being with me is a mistake and I'm too much hard work. I worry that I'm not good enough, that he can do so much better, that she will make things nearly impossible for him when she finds out about me... so many worries constantly going round my head

----------


## Suzi

I understand those worries, but can I share something with you? 
You've opened him up to the reality of life without abuse. That's huge. That isn't something he'll be able to go back on lovely. He adores you. Of course you're good enough. You're more than good enough for him or for anyone you ever choose to be with because you are amazing. Honestly. You are intelligent, funny, caring, sensible, silly, beautiful, kind and so many other adjectives... 
She will try to make things difficult, but sweetheart she'll be shooting herself in the foot too. The more she is abusive and the more the children are aware of how bad things are the more she'll be hanging herself and could lose all custody of those children.....

----------


## Paula

Couldnt have said it better myself. Hunni, when she found out about you, he chose you. Dont ever forget that

----------


## Jaquaia

This is probably more to do with my view of myself if I really think about it. I don't think I'm worth very much

----------


## Suzi

Maybe you should start listening to the positive voices more? We are right you know....

----------


## Paula

Always right  :O:

----------


## Suzi

Especially me. I'm seriously always right......

----------


## Jaquaia

J usually rings me as he drives to work and he did today but had to go to the petrol station on the way so he chose one 2 minutes from work. Despite only being 2 minutes from work, he decided to ring me back just to tell me as much as he could about what he loved about me.  :(inlove):

----------


## Suzi

That's how it should be!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Fed up!!! Dads been drinking since about dinner time. Gone through nearly a case and I can hear him slurring. Mums making excuses for him telling me "well he is in pain today". My brother seems to think it's ok as "it's not a lot for dad". My mums left the Take That thing on that's on BBC1 and my dad started slagging off the ticket prices. "They should be set at £20". Tried explaining that it's the venues that set the prices as they have to pay for stewards etc but he just sees it as they earn enough and they can get those prices as idiots will pay those prices. I pointed out that I paid £60 for Stereophonics and that I thought they were worth every penny and he got clever asking if that included a 3 course meal and beer...

"No because I don't need to go out and get  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ed to enjoy myself. I went to see something I really enjoy and have memories that will last a lifetime "

Don't think that went down too well...

----------


## Suzi

Oh........ I really, really feel for you lovely...

----------


## Jaquaia

I think it's just a case of living with it until I can move out, which probably explains why I've managed to do just over a weeks worth of uni work, watch 2 hours of Dr Who, watch a film and read 2 full novels since Boxing Day afternoon!!!

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  :Panda:  :Panda:

----------


## Paula

:Panda:  youre on the home straight til getting out, lovely. Big hugs

----------


## Suzi

Morning love, how you doing?

----------


## magie06

I have to agree with you Jaq. Some of my family like to drink and no day out is complete unless they end up being sick all over the place from drinking too much. One of my brothers ran out of drink and was waiting outside Tesco on boxing day to get more. They normally start drinking at lunch time on Christmas day and don't stop until either the drink runs out or they pass out. I don't like it and I really think it's such a waste of money. Plus it doesn't give a very good example to their grandchildren who are still very young. My brothers grandson got hand, foot and mouth disease just before Christmas and the blisters broke out on his feet and in his mouth on Christmas day. His mum and dad were both drinking on Christmas day and I really don't know how they coped with a sick baby and hangovers the following day. 
How are you doing today?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've been studying all day again. J popped to see me this morning and then I've just got on with it. Taking a break now though. I want to finish week 7 before I pack it all away and start week 8 tomorrow. I still think that I'll need to email my tutor and ask for an extension but I'm seeing some real progress now. 

I'm now spending New Years Eve with J! I'm meeting him from work and spending the night there and he's dropping me off New Years Day before work. Much better than sitting at home on my own in my room or avoiding my dad knocking the beer back. What better way to start the New Year than with the man I love?  :(inlove):

----------


## Suzi

That's brilliant!!!!!!! I'm so thrilled for you!!

----------


## magie06

Oh that's just like a love story. You seem really happy. I'm so glad for you.

----------


## Paula

Morning, lovely  :):

----------


## Suzi

Hey gorgeous, how you doing?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok mostly, a bit flat. Had a telling off from J about trying to pretend I'm ok. Also frustrating the hell out of him because I won't let him help pay for my counselling level 1

----------


## Suzi

Glad you got told to stop pretending! 

Hope that today is a good one lovely x

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm studying again all day

----------


## Suzi

How's it going?

----------


## Jaquaia

Still studying! Taken 9 pages of notes so far. Have another 5 pages to read and make notes on then I've done a full chapter today and only have the computer based learning to do for week 8! Break for wine gums me thinks then final push. 

Even written a fairly epic reflective post for fb but worrying about posting it as I've been even more open than normal

----------


## Paula

Well done for writing it! What worries you? Peoples reactions or just letting people see a part of you thats normally hidden?

----------


## Jaquaia

Probably both. I've admitted to self-harming and other then here, I've never admitted it before. I can count on 1 hand with fingers to spare who knows outside of the forum.

----------


## Suzi

Can I post it on the DWD FB page? I'm happy to do it anon if you'd rather? 

Are you pushing yourself too hard?

----------


## Jaquaia

I have no choice, I have an assignment due in a week on Tuesday and I still have 2 and a half weeks worth of work to catch up on. I can slow down once that's handed in.

Going to take a deep breath and post it!

Edited to say I've done it! If it's something you would like to share Suzi I would be ok with that.

----------


## Suzi

It's an awesome post! I'd love to share it please lovely - named or anon?

----------


## Jaquaia

I really don't mind. 

I have to admit that I'm a little overwhelmed by the reaction it's received already!

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  You shouldn't be. You are amazing.

----------


## Suzi

I've scheduled it for 10 am on NY Day!

----------


## Paula

Ncredible post!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm overwhelmed. I never expected it to receive the reaction it has. I've even had an old school friend message me! Wow! Just...wow!

----------


## Suzi

Why shouldn't it have had the response it has? It's an incredible post!

----------


## Jaquaia

Because I don't see myself as an inspiration and I don't see what I've done to warrant people being proud of me. 

Oooh! I've lost about 4 and a half lbs!!! Total weight loss of 3st 2lbs from my heaviest

----------


## Flo

Oooh! Well done Jaq!..that's quite a hefty amount! Onwards and upwards for 2019!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm still trying to figure out how I've lost weight over Christmas with all the crap I've eaten!

----------


## Suzi

Wow you've lost loads! Well done!!! Make sure you have the best NYE ever tonight X

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm noticing that my back hurts less now so I'm starting to see the benefit. 

It will just be quiet. Leaving soon to meet J from work then I think we're just watching a film

----------


## magie06

Enjoy your night. Well done on your weight loss. I know how hard it is to loose anything at all.

----------


## Paula

Thats an amazing weight loss! Well done, hunni

----------


## Angie

Well done hunni and have a lovely night tonight xx

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're having a lovely time!

----------


## Jaquaia

If I'm honest, we were both fast asleep by 5 past 12!  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Hope it was a lovely night for you though!

----------


## Jaquaia

It was peaceful. I feel like I'm home when I'm with him so it's always lovely. He did have to deal with tears this morning though, TOTM and I'm a bit emotional...

----------


## Suzi

Emotional is understandable....

----------


## Jaquaia

J made a point of pointing out just how far I've come last night. I went to Bridlington on my own in the dark on New Years Eve. I coped with being stuck on the train for half an hour with a load of drunks singing football songs. And then I found my way to the signal box in an area I've never been before, in the dark on my own. A few months ago I would have never been able to do that!

----------


## Angie

J is completely right hunni

----------


## magie06

You are amazing!!!

----------


## Jaquaia

I really don't see that. I haven't done anything that lots of other people haven't done.

----------


## Paula

And those people are amazing too. Just because others have had similar fights does not detract from all you have done

----------


## Suzi

You're awesome!

----------


## OldMike

> J made a point of pointing out just how far I've come last night. I went to Bridlington on my own in the dark on New Years Eve. I coped with being stuck on the train for half an hour with a load of drunks singing football songs. And then I found my way to the signal box in an area I've never been before, in the dark on my own. A few months ago I would have never been able to do that!


Must admit being stuck on train with a load of football drunks would be a bit of a nightmare for me but you got through it which shows how awesome you are.

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing love?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm doing ok

----------


## Suzi

You don't sound it......

----------


## Jaquaia

Just me being me!

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  :Panda:  :Panda:

----------


## magie06

How are things this evening?

----------


## Paula

Hi Hunni, youre quiet again ....

----------


## Jaquaia

Trying to catch up with uni work except I'm starting to get a little overwhelmed at times. I'm probably pushing myself too hard but don't really have another choice right now.

----------


## Suzi

There's always a choice lovely. Can you not pace a bit more?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not really. I have another weeks worth of work to finish and a 1000 word essay to do by Tuesday. The chapter alone will take me a full day, maybe more. I'm already leaving the collaborative work until after the essay and I have a driving lesson on Monday. J is coming to see me tomorrow so he will make me rest for a few hours though.

It works out that I've gone through approximately half of a 160 sheet writing pad since the 27th...

----------


## Paula

You can still pace - even if its resting for 5 minutes every half hour

----------


## Jaquaia

I actually took a few breaks yesterday to go and get drinks!

----------


## Suzi

Paula's right, pacing is still important...

----------


## Paula

> Paula's right...


_Never_ gets old  :(giggle):

----------


## Jaquaia

:(rofl): 

J is coming to see me today so I will have to have a break!

----------


## Suzi

Good!

----------


## magie06

I hope you enjoyed your time with J. I'm so looking forward to your engagement announcement!!

----------


## Jaquaia

It will be a long time before that happens! I've only just started staying over!!  :(giggle):  His parents seem to really like me though  :):

----------


## Strugglingmum

> _Never_ gets old


 :(rofl):  :(giggle):

----------


## magie06

> It will be a long time before that happens! I've only just started staying over!!  His parents seem to really like me though


That's half the battle won so!! I'll hold my breath until it happens. (My funeral will be held in Tuam)  :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

I love that you are now able to stay over and actually be a "proper couple..."

----------


## Jaquaia

> That's half the battle won so!! I'll hold my breath until it happens. (My funeral will be held in Tuam)


 :(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl): 




> I love that you are now able to stay over and actually be a "proper couple..."


I think I'm driving him crazy at the moment as I keep checking he actually wants me to stay. I worry that when it's my suggestion, he's saying yes as he doesn't want to risk upsetting me by saying no. 

Well anyway! I'm meeting him from work on Tuesday, we're ordering pizza for tea and going to the Railway Museum on Wednesday :):

----------


## Suzi

Sounds lovely if you like trains!  :):  Seriously, I'm pleased for you x

----------


## Jaquaia

I love museums! And J is partly responsible for the model railway exhibition there so it will be nice to see his work in action  :):

----------


## Suzi

That's really cool!  :):

----------


## Paula

That really is cool! Btw, you silly moo, he loves you, of course he wants you with him !  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

Subtle!  :(giggle):  

Only got a couple of hours worth of work to finish the week so you'll be pleased to know I'm taking a break and have settled down with a book for the rest of the night!

----------


## magie06

It's late! You should be resting now. I agree with the others - yes he really loves you!  :(inlove):

----------


## Suzi

How're you doin' Jaq?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tired. Studying again. Should be able to start my assignment today though, only have a little bit of reading to finish week 10. Having a break for lunch and a drink though.

----------


## Paula

Good. Please take a few more breaks this afternoon ....

----------


## Suzi

How much have you had to drink?

----------


## Jaquaia

I keep interrupting studying with a chapter of my book. Does that count?

----------


## OldMike

> I keep interrupting studying with a chapter of my book. Does that count?


Nope unless the book is titled "Drink are you getting enough"  :O:

----------


## Paula

> I keep interrupting studying with a chapter of my book. Does that count?


Ermmmm nope.

PACE

DRINK

----------


## Jaquaia

I like reading!!!! Reading is relaxing for me!!! So it is going to be how I break up my studying, no matter what anyone says.

And I am drinking

----------


## Flo

What a good girl!!! :O:

----------


## Suzi

Glad you are drinking. 
I say rock on with the reading. It'll take you somewhere away from where you are and allow you to have completely different experiences and adventures! 
My concern isn't you reading to break up study, it's you not taking enough breaks and not allowing yourself time outside of study and that's about it...

----------


## Jaquaia

I took a break for lunch, an hour or so for tea and J surprised me and showed up after work as he needed hugs as he's had a tough day so another 3/4 of an hour there, plus 3/4 of an hour on the phone with him as he drove here, plus reading the odd chapter of my book so plenty of breaks.

----------

Suzi (07-01-19)

----------


## Paula

> I like reading!!!! Reading is relaxing for me!!! So it is going to be how I break up my studying, no matter what anyone says.
> 
> And I am drinking


Ah right, sorry I thought you meant more reading for study. Reading for leisure is definitely good  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Funnily enough, it is a book about a vampire psychologist but definitely not work  :O:

----------

Paula (06-01-19)

----------


## Suzi

Morning love, how are you?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tired and headachey. Need to start my essay and got a driving lesson this afternoon. Have done most of the referencing task though so that's a decent chunk out of the way.

----------


## Suzi

If you are tired and headachy, maybe some more water?

----------


## Jaquaia

I have a bottle with me. Just about to start essay planning! 1000 words on the similarities and differences between 2 studies on the effect of media violence on children... wish me luck!!!

----------


## Mira

Good luck, and have fun. Take a few small breaks if you feel like it though.

----------


## Jaquaia

I've just stopped for lunch and have to stop for a driving lesson in just over an hour so plenty of breaks today!

----------


## Paula

Just a little note, having a drink with you is not the same as drinking it...... just saying  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

Anyone would think none of you trust me to actually drink!!!  :Surprised:

----------


## Paula

As if???

----------


## Jaquaia

My head is pounding and I still need to start my essay and only have til 5 tomorrow as that's when I need to leave to go and meet J. Not confident!!!

----------


## Mira

Maybe break it into little pieces. And work away one piece at a time. Then its not so overwhelming?

----------


## Suzi

Have you had a drink recently?

----------


## Jaquaia

I have. Working through the studies first to make a list, then will try and crack on

----------


## Suzi

Morning gorgeous, how you doing? How much more of your assignment have you got to do?

----------


## Jaquaia

About 750 words. It all needs to be done amd handed in by 4 as I'm at J's tonight, though he's said that he really doesn't mind me working there if I need to. Completed parts 1 and 3 so I should be ok...

----------

Paula (08-01-19)

----------


## Suzi

How's it going love?

----------


## Jaquaia

Almost there!!!

----------


## Suzi

YAY! Hooray!!!

----------


## Jaquaia

SUBMITTED!!!  :(party):  :(party):  :(party):

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo!!!! That's brilliant!!!! Congratulations love!

----------


## Jaquaia

I have backache now from being sat hunched over my laptop all day but at least I don't have to lug it to J's with me. Just going to sort my stuff out and then rest until I need to leave.

----------


## Paula

:(party):

----------


## Jaquaia

So I thought I would show you how lovely Paragon Station is (in Hull)

----------


## Mira

How awesome that you finished it. And before going to J. Great job. Something to be proud of. Great picture. I love seeing these kinds of things.

----------


## Suzi

That station looks like Woking! 
Hope you're having a wonderful time!!

----------


## Paula

Morning, lovely

----------


## Jaquaia

Morning. Sat waiting to see a doctor... apparently I have to have a yearly review because of the RA

----------


## Suzi

Makes sense... Hope it goes well love.

----------


## Jaquaia

She just asked questions, it could have been done over the phone really, but she is chasing up the OT for me. And I need to ring and check when my last eye test was as I have to have yearly tests on one of my meds

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing now? Got anything nice planned for the rest of the day/week?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm back at the books. I've done some of the collaborative work this morning and starting this weeks chapter this afternoon. Trying to stay on top of things should relieve some of the stress.

----------


## Suzi

You don't think you're pushing it by not taking a day or two off?

----------


## Jaquaia

Probably but my head isn't in an amazing place at the moment so it helps to distract.

----------


## Paula

Is it not possible that not giving yourself time off could be contributing to your head not being in a good place? Can you not distract by reading your book?

----------


## Suzi

I agree with Paula, you can only concentrate heavily for a certain amount of time and I really don't want you to burn out lovely..

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm pacing more now. I only looked at the first section of the chapter, admittedly because I fell asleep... which is another sign that I'm starting to struggle. 

I did some cross stitch yesterday, have done some reading today. I've even made an appointment with the optician next month. It's good that I rang and checked while I remembered as they still had me down for 2 yearly sight tests

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you are pacing a bit more....

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm sensing a but...

----------


## Suzi

but, I wonder if you are pacing enough and being kind enough to yourself...

----------


## Jaquaia

Ha! I was right!!!  :(giggle): 

Probably not. I just feel lazy when I do nothing though.

----------


## Paula

You are very far from lazy, I promise you.

----------


## Suzi

You are very far from lazy!!!

----------


## Jaquaia

Give me strength!!! Mentioned that I've booked my eye test for next month to my mum and that they still had me down for 2 yearly eye tests. She wanted to know how come I got an appointment then and said that the doctor had told her that she needed yearly eye tests. Had to explain again that the GP was wrong and she should go with what her consultant told her. I explained that a GP has some training in all areas whereas a consultant focuses on one area. I even pulled up the NRAS website and went through the list which clearly says that only the DMARD I'm on needs yearly eye tests, "I'm only going on what the doctor said" FFS mother!!! It's not a competition!!! I pointed out that the first thing the registrar told me when starring me on hydroxychloroquine is that I would need yearly eye tests as it has the potential to affect my eyesight, and if her drug did the same they would have told her when they started her on it as they're the experts and know these things. I also pointed out that the list on the NRAS website was created by a Professor of Rheumatology and a specialist rheumatology nurse but still don't think she's convinced...

----------


## Suzi

I hate that, when other people try to make it into a competition about how much they hurt, or what their diagnoses are, or what/dose medication they are on.... Hope that you've managed to calm down - I'd have been so peed off!!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm struggling a bit anyway so that didn't help, especially as I explained this weeks ago. Even the nurse who did our bloodtests has said a few times that I know what I'm talking about as it's me who explained CRP to my mum in front of her.

I'm just irritable and have the energy levels of a dead battery today. I've done nothing but may try and cross stitch for a bit. Even J has told me that I need to rest and I don't have the energy levels to argue with you all today so I'm doing as I'm told

----------


## Suzi

Good! I'm glad you're doing as you are told and resting....

----------


## Mira

Well doing what your being told is not always a bad idea. Especially if its the wonderful people here and ofcourse J. All people who put your welbeing at number 1.

I hope you can rest and enjoy it a little bit.

----------


## Jaquaia

I've been drawing, my sister bought me a how to draw fairies book at Christmas and J bought me art stuff for my birthday and Christmas so I've started putting them to use.

----------


## Allalone

Sounds like you’ve had a lovely afternoon.

----------


## Paula

Sounds exactly what you need today  :):

----------


## Suzi

That's really good!

----------


## Jaquaia

It was relaxing. I'll post a photo if I finish it

----------


## Suzi

I'd love to see!

How are you doing lovely?

----------


## Flo

How are you feeling today love? The cross stitch sounds good. I love fairies. My best friend always sends fairy cards, presents, ornaments and book marks etc., my bedroom is a regular fairyland! Re the  eyes. When I last went to the hospital for my glaucoma check, I was called into three separate clinicians within about ten minutes of each other. Why I don't know! But I was out of the hospital within about three quarters of an hour! It almost started a riot in the waiting area! "Why is it that the woman over there is being seen so quickly? I've been here an hour!!!"...."Yes", said another woman, "So have I!!" ....They must have thought I was deaf!! Anyway, I just grinned and said a  polite goodbye!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok I think, just really tired.

Flo, I have loads of fairy stuff!!! Figurines mainly and pictures, books too. Always loved fairies

----------


## Suzi

Are you going to be kind to yourself this weekend? Resting and pacing?

----------


## Jaquaia

I do need to try and do some studying but going to break it up a lot more and do other things too

----------


## Suzi

Ok... How's it going?

----------


## Jaquaia

I can't settle to anything today but charging my wii remote so I can play lego Harry Potter later. Or something. Just really restless.

----------


## Suzi

Many hugs gorgeous... Hope you're able to settle now...

----------


## Paula

It may be that youll actually get more studying done by resting first, than you will by pushing through the exhaustion itms

----------


## Jaquaia

Played a little wii, Dad did French toast for tea, not had it in years! He used to make it all the time for us when we were little and he was home from work. Done the shopping. Now settled down watching the dvd J bought me for Christmas, The Bluetones, Live at Shepherds Bush. I think he knows me better than anyone  :(inlove):

----------


## Suzi

How are you this morning love?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok. Tired. Going to get a shower and then do a little studying.

----------


## Suzi

Well done lovely!

----------


## Suzi

Should I be worried? You aren't chatty and you said you can't be bothered to drink.....

----------


## Allalone

Just thought I’d leave you this. :Panda: xx

----------

Jaquaia (16-01-19)

----------


## Suzi

Jaq? Talk to us?

----------


## Allalone

Morning Jaq.

How are you this morning?

----------


## Paula

Hey, lovely. Whats up?

----------


## Jaquaia

I think it was just one of those days yesterday. My mood has been a bit flat for a few days. I can tell as I'm struggling to focus enough to read. I just settled down and started watching Sherlock.

----------


## Paula

Anything particularly thats affecting you that you want to talk over?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know. Anything and everything at the moment I think.

----------


## Paula

Youre dealing with a lot at the moment, its not surprising its having an impact on your mood

----------


## Suzi

I think that you're very much expected to deal with everything that's going on. I think you're awesome to be able to deal with it all....

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't see that I am dealing with a lot really.

----------


## Suzi

Really? Maybe if I listed just some of the stuff as I see it you might see it differently? 

~ Several Chronic illnesses
~ Dealing with your dad's drinking
~ Dealing with your Mum's hospital appointments
~ Dealing with your Mum's medication
~ Weight loss
~ Degree
~ Issues from the past with your ex
~ You can't be with the man you love as you want
~ Issues with your sister
~ Not having any space which is yours and private and away from everything

Just as a starting point and without thinking much....

----------


## Jaquaia

When you put it like that...

----------


## Suzi

See? Maybe you aren't giving yourself enough credit?

----------


## Jaquaia

Ok, so going from your list... I always get paranoid about my hair when I have it cut. I dread being told that it's thinned even more. It really affects my self-esteem. Not to mention that being unable to have children is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I'm fed up of never knowing what my mood is going to be like. As daft as it sounds, I'm disappointed in myself when my mood dips as I'm on new meds that have made a huge difference, I have coping strategies, I have J, what is wrong with me? And then I get annoyed with myself because I know that recovery isn't a straight line and I know because I've been ill for such a long time it's likely to be more a case of making things manageable but as usual, I'm my own worst critic. And the thought that I may end up not being able to use my hands properly is scary. And my gp has chased up the rheumatology OT so will have those appointments coming up.

He has days where he hardly touches drink but then days where he can go through a full 12 bottles. 

I have pain management with her next week, I get out of going to her infusions with her as she doesn't want me sat in the hospital for 6 hours.

Her meds have been a nightmare, plus had to talk to her today about skipping meds and what the implications are. She tried to deny it but I do her meds, I know how long they last! 

Not much to deal with there, I'm not doing a huge deal really.

A week behind again. Hoping I can get the online stuff done tomorrow, or most of it anyway. 

Oh! Had another bill. I'm now paying around £135 a month because of him, plus stoppages on my income support because I got landed with the rest of the council tax bill.

I'm worrying that he's going to be too scared of her reaction to go public about us. He promises me that we'll get there, he's adamant that he's going to Manchester with me, so all I can do it try not to overthink things and see how it goes. That been said, they're all at the panto on Friday as his parents always pay for them to go together and she asked if she was still invited. He told her not if she was going to start arguments like last time, so that's progress! His parents don't really want her to go but they're doing it for the children. And he's popping tonight when he finishes work and taking me out on Friday, probably museums and lunch. And Tuesday we're either doing the Railway Museum or Whitby, I'm staying over then we're doing museums or the art gallery on Wednesday. It's nice to be able to do proper coupley things together.  :(inlove): 

Even my mum and dad are getting fed up of her so it's not just me!

Still have my mum coming up a lot. Had her interrupt Dherlock twice last night. And lets just say, she's almost interrupted things a few times...


Edit: ok, that's a lot considering I keep saying I'm ok....

----------


## Suzi

It is a lot - and each of those has it's own subheadings too... Maybe you're being too hard on yourself? 
As to the hair loss - you know Marc has Alopecia Universalis? There's a really, really lovely group on FB where suggestions can be made as to how to cover lost bits or so forth, if you wanted to join let me know and I'll add you. Really, I've never seen anything horrible posted in there!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'll think about it. Thank you.

----------


## Allalone

Jaq you do have a lot going on and how you're managing that is bloody amazing! You will have days when you are down and it’s going to be tough to deal with but we are all here to help you out. Take care.xx

----------


## magie06

Jaq, you are amazing. January is a long, cold, dark and arduous month. Lack of sunlight can affect the levels of vit D in your system. Vit D is also know as the happy vit. Maybe see about taking a supplement from your chemist, just for the winter months.

----------


## Suzi

How are you this morning?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tired. Talia has woken me up a few times.

----------


## Paula

Is she ok? Are you going to rest?

----------


## Jaquaia

She does it a lot, settles straight back down when she's wrapped back up, so think she's cold.

----------


## Suzi

Aww! That's so cute - but annoying! 

Are you resting today?

----------


## Jaquaia

I was going to do some uni work but none of the audio or video files that I need will play! Which is irritating me so have stopped for lunch.

----------


## Suzi

Have you got them to work now?

----------


## Jaquaia

Nope. It's doing my head in

----------


## Paula

Then leave it, you cant fix it today. Theres probably something wrong that theyve got to fix their end anyway

----------


## Jaquaia

I've just left it to do updates that needed doing. Will put it away when I go back up. Ended up cooking mine and my mums tea, sweet chilli basa, new potatoes and veg. I can't remember the last time I ate so much greenery!!!!

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're pacing tonight love...

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm watching Sherlock and eating kendal mint cake. My laptop is working again but sod it. I'll either do it over the weekend or tomorrow depending on what time I get back from town with J

----------


## Suzi

I'm just introducing Ben to Sherlock! lol

----------


## Jaquaia

My brothers been telling me to watch it for years

----------


## Allalone

Sherlock is brilliant! My middle one loves it, we’ve watched them together.

----------


## Jaquaia

I love Benedict Cumberbatch. He's brilliant in Cabin Pressure

----------


## Allalone

He is called Benedict Cucumberpatch in my house! :(rofl): 
I haven’t seen Cabin Pressure.

----------


## Jaquaia

It's a Radio 4 comedy written by John Finnemore. It's brilliant!

----------


## Jaquaia

Starting to struggle a bit now. My dad has been drinking again, no idea how much, but he's being a bit of an arse. My mum is irritating the hell out of me and J is at the theatre tonight with his parents, the children and Cruella for the panto. I know I have nothing to worrt about and I know he loves me and I also know that his parents didn't really want her to go, but my head isn't being logical. It's still a family night out. Right now it feels like I'll never be a part of that.

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni, I'm not surprised you are finding it tough, but know that this is only a temporary situation....

----------


## Jaquaia

I know you're right. I hope so anyway.

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart I know that it'll happen. Sounds like he's beginning to stand up to her a bit more too - which can only be a good thing... It also sounds like his parents are against her too. Again a positive change. 
Have faith lovely....

----------


## Jaquaia

His dad didn't even want her in his car when J was borrowing it before Christmas. His mum told me that herself. 

I just worry that he's going to be too scared to tell her about me. Though he is pushing for a deed of separation now as he doesn't trust her...

----------


## Suzi

Hunni, right now you need to focus on the good things....

----------


## Jaquaia

I know. Today was lovely. It's not often I get to just wander around enjoying what Hull has to offer. Tuesday I'm meeting him early in Beverley and we're spending the day in either Whitby or York depending on the weather, then pizza and a film. I know that I should focus on the fact that we're now able to spend proper quality time together. I just struggle not to overthink things and them doing things as a family makes it so much harder.

----------


## Flo

Sounds like he's just trying to keep an even keel. He's just not a nasty person is he? And that's one of the reasons you love him. He's trying to do right by everyone which is difficult. I'm sure you'll have a wonderful day on Tuesday so enjoy every minute of it. You'll have him all to yourself one day. But it was only a little while ago that both of you had to be content with the odd hour at yours and a few phone calls. You've come a long way since then and it can only get better.

----------


## Jaquaia

I could do with learning how to turn my head off. I'm always overthinking things

----------


## Paula

Thats what were here for  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I always worry I'm going to annoy you by going over the same things all the time. And yes, I know what I would tell someone else, I embrace hypocrisy!

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

You could never annoy us  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

Moriarty is bat :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  crazy!!!

----------


## Suzi

Why yes, he is....

----------


## Paula

Yep, did you not know that??  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

Not a clue!!!! Only got to his episode today!

----------


## Suzi

Have you not read Holmes?

----------


## Jaquaia

I read one when I was about 9 or 10. That's it. And it didn't involve Moriarty.

----------


## Suzi

Ahh!  Moriarty is awesome!

----------


## Jaquaia

Sometimes I surprise myself with just how accepting I am. I've just found out that my cousins oldest child is trans and I haven't even blinked. I even corrected myself on the proper pronoun.

----------


## Suzi

You're awesome. 

My Hazel identifies as "arrow ace" so she thinks she is an asexual aromantic. For Christmas we got her a grey tshirt with a rainbow and "so over it" on it, yesterday we were in Poundland and they had a similar bag and a "Choose Love" rainbow bag. So I bought them - the choose love bag for me and her the rainbow bag. This year is the first ever Surrey Pride and I'm taking her, Fern, and a couple of their friends!  :):  
I love that you don't bat an eyelid!

----------


## Jaquaia

I didn't even blink when my cousin came out. She was still Sarah, it didn't matter who she loved as long as they were good for her. 

I think it surprises me as my parents have very different views and they're views I heard a lot. My mum told me when she got off the phone to my cousin that R had changed her name and told me what to and it took me a second before it clicked and I asked if they were having the op. My mum keeps calling him R and seemed surprised when I automatically changed to using their chosen name and calling them he/him.

----------


## Suzi

I think it's awesome you are being so supportive!

----------


## Jaquaia

Ooops. Got so angry about my sister getting away with talking to my mum like  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: , went on a right rant and ended up blurting out that everything that went on before with the argument and her miscarriage and how she treated me in general that I've just blurted out to my mum that it got me to the stage where I was suicidal to the stage I'd planned how to do it...

----------


## Suzi

How did she react? You OK?

----------


## Jaquaia

She was shocked, surprised and a little upset. I'm ok, just didn't sleep amazingly well

----------


## Suzi

not surprised. How do you feel about telling her?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know. Part of me feels guilty for dropping that on her.

----------


## Suzi

She's your mum. No matter how hard it is to hear, she'll be glad that you told her and weren't trying to hide secrets...

----------


## Flo

I've got to agree with suzi there Jaq. Sometimes it's necessary for mums to hear these things, as hard as it may be. Don't feel guilty, it needed to be said, and it's good that she knows.

----------


## Jaquaia

Driving lesson was horrendous and I spent a large part of it either holding back tears or with tears streaming down my face. I keep getting told that I need to enjoy my lessons but I'm really not, I dread them and I'm already thinking of when I need to cancel next weeks by so it doesn't cost me. .

----------


## Strugglingmum

ok. I'm going to tell you something that I say to my daughter

I never want you to have to stick at something that is really making you miserable and causing you so much stress that you are feeling ill.

However, I want you to know that you CAN do it.

 I don't want your life to be limited by your fears and anxieties because your fears and anxiety about it are 100times worse than the reality.
 You were so excited at the thought of learning and the independence it would bring you.
I know driving is stressful and I would hate to be learning again but unless you can relax a little so that your head can process what you are learning it is going to be difficult to get to the stage of enjoying it. 
I'm sure you have tried different ways of relaxing or meditating before your lessons and I probably have no new suggestions but try to keep the end goal in sight. 

Believe in yourself. Easier said than done but you need to to give you the confidence to enjoy and seek that independence. 
 Tell yourself...… its only pedals and a wheel. I can do this.

----------

Allalone (21-01-19),Suzi (21-01-19)

----------


## Suzi

Can I be blunt? Your teacher isn't right for you. 

At no point should you ever be dreading the lesson. Cancel and find another one. I am so sad that doing something that I love is bringing you so much pain, fear and upset. It should never, ever be like that...

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm struggling with stopping and starting. I've talked it through with J and he's pointed out that my instructor is actually quite negative. I've been getting told for weeks that if I do A then I will fail my test and if I do B then I will fail my test and if I do C I will fail my test... you get the idea! I've only had 6 lessons!!! I try so hard to not do what she's told me will be a fail then I forget about other things. There is a main road, it's actually the main A road into the east of the city, that she wanted me to try today and after a few cock ups with stalling when setting off, I told her that I really didn't feel comfortable with doing that road. When I pulled up at home at the end of my lesson I got told that next lesson I have no choice, I'm doing that road whether I like it or not. I was in tears half way through my lesson, I was in tears at the end of my lesson. She knows a lot of my anxiety with stopping and starting is because I've had years of being sat in the back of my mums car listening to my dad getting aggressive and abusive towards other drivers who are slow or stalled, I'm convinced everyone is like that and knowing there are people behind me panics me more as I'm imagining them doing that, and she knows all this as I've explained it all to her. I spent almost an hour on the phone with J, mostly in tears, and I can feel myself getting upset about it now.

----------


## Suzi

I wish I could hug you!!!!!!!

Please, please, please think about changing instructors she sounds like a bi*ch. You deserve better. I highly recommend BSM - I learnt with them and the instructor Ben has now is absolutely lovely. Do you want me to try to see if she knows anyone up near you? Or you could call them and tell them that you're nervous and they will give you someone who is kind, patient and lovely.

----------


## Allalone

:Panda:

----------


## Paula

((Hugs)) hunni, you ok?

----------


## Suzi

Jaq, I'm worried about you....

----------


## Jaquaia

Sorry. No need to be worried. I left the house before 8 this morning to go and meet J. We're spending the day at thr Railway Museum then just snuggling up with pizza and Luther tonight. I'll be ok, I always am with him  :):

----------


## Allalone

Hope you enjoy your day.xx

----------


## OldMike

Jaq 'njoy your day out.

----------


## Suzi

Hope you've been having a great day!

----------


## magie06

You are quite. Are you okay?

----------


## Allalone

Hope all is ok with you. :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Jaq????

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok. Was out all day with J yesterday, then cooked tea, went to the doctors with my mum and ended up just settling down to watch an episode of Sherlock and Miranda.

----------


## Suzi

Fair enough, just checking.... 

Meds? Drink? Food?

----------


## Jaquaia

All done but need to go get another drink really

----------


## magie06

Hi lovely, how are things?

----------


## Suzi

How are you Jaq?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok. Just watching Sherlock

----------


## magie06

I hope you're enjoying you mini series.

----------


## Suzi

You sound distant...

----------


## Jaquaia

I know. Sorry. Just feeling a bit... meh... Struggling to read, struggling to study, struggling to stay focused on much really.

----------


## Suzi

You don't need to apologise, I genuinely care and want to make sure you're OK... As a friend, nothing more....

----------


## Suzi

You're still not talking. I'm really worried. Please tell me what's going on....

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not even sure. Just feel really flat and struggling to focus much on anything. The only time I feel anything like myself is when I'm with J as I can drop all pretence.

----------


## Paula

Why do you feel you need to pretend with us?

----------


## Jaquaia

I think here it's more that I don't know what to say so I don't say anything

----------


## Suzi

OK.... When do you see J next? 
What did you decide about your driving?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've talked it through with J and my brother. They both think it's a very negative way of teaching, especially considering that I've explained about my anxiety. J's friend has recommended an instructor and I've seen another that has good reviews too so going to look into it further

----------


## Suzi

I'm really, really pleased that you're making that decision.

----------


## Allalone

That’s great, Jaq. You definitely need to look at another instructor.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm hating lessons. And despite saying that she won't force me to do anything I'm not comfortable with, she's making me do something I'm not comfortable with. Yet I feel bad for looking at other instructors

----------


## Paula

No need to feel bad, youre paying for this so it has to be whats right for you. Katie had 3 instructors in the end

----------


## Jaquaia

I've got a message typed up but struggling to send it...

----------


## Paula

Do you want to put it up here first? Has J seen it?

----------


## Jaquaia

He thinks I should send it 

"Hi, I'm looking for another instructor and have been recommended Bob by a friend. I started lessons with another instructor at the beginning of December, tomorrow will be my 7th, and to be honest, I'm dreading it and haven't looked forward to lessons for weeks. I'm a very nervous person and have severe depression and anxiety. My current instructor is aware of this but I don't think they're taking this into account. It's taking me a while to pick things up and I'm frequently being told that I'll fail my test for certain things yet I'm struggling to fully get to grips with the basics, stopping and starting is an issue for me at the moment and their teaching style has my confidence at zero and it's causing my anxiety, which has been managed since summer, to become an issue again. I'm wondering if it would be possible to start lessons with you?"

----------


## Suzi

Send it. 

Are you going on the lesson tomorrow?

----------


## Paula

Definitely send it

----------


## Jaquaia

I am doing my lesson today but going to tell her I'm going to stop lessons as my head isn't good at the moment. Something I realised while I was in the shower is the trust is gone. She told me that she would never make me do something I'm not comfortable with yet she's making me take a major road when I'm not comfortable with basic stopping and starting in traffic...

----------


## Suzi

Completely agree that's the right decision. I don't think she's right for you at all. I'm pleased you are doing the right thing FOR YOU. I don't think you've done that before....

----------


## Jaquaia

It's having a detrimental effect on my memtal health. I have come too far over the last year to let her undo all my hard work.

Also, fangirling a bit today. Jacqui Abbott of Beautiful South fame (yes, THE Jacqui Abbott!!!!) has replied to me on twitter!!! :(party):

----------


## Suzi

OMG No way!!!!! I adore Beautiful South!!!
Hey, I didn't know you were on twitter.............

You're right. You have come far too far!

----------


## Jaquaia

I've been on twitter for ages just only started using it though. Couldn't remember my log in, I mean I use jaquaia for everything so what else could it be? So tried to change my password thinking that was the issue... 

My log in is not jaquaia... sorry mysterious person! I wasn't trying to hack you! Honest!!!  :(giggle): 

I'm starting to believe it maybe isn't me overreacting about this. J made a point of telling me that I'm not the issue here and the guy I've messaged has apologised for me having such a rubbish start to my driving career.

----------


## Suzi

See, it isn't you - none of us thought it was either....

----------


## Jaquaia

You know what I'm like, I've been told often enough that things are my fault that I automatically assume that must be true.

Suzi, check this out! It's so awesome!!!
Check out @jamajestical’s Tweet: https://twitter.com/jamajestical/sta...100435456?s=09

----------

Suzi (28-01-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Back from my lesson already and I've quit. She's got her head up her arse and pretty much sped off after dropping me off.

----------


## Paula

Dont let her attitude ruin your evening, lovely, it just emphasises youve made the right decision ....

----------


## Suzi

Awesome Twitter! 

What a complete cow! I'm so glad you're not going with her anymore.

----------


## Jaquaia

I've had a huge knot in my chest almost all day, even after taking propranolol. I was trying really hard to concentrate on going round a corner and getting my gears and she was asking loads of questions and today concentrating and answering questions was a step too far. She's taken that as me blanking her so I told her it would be my last lesson. She was very abrupt when we got back to mine. Told her I didn't want a refund as she made her terms and conditions very clear and there wasn't 48 hours notice so I was ok with full payment. She started going on about how she was just teaching me things I needed to know and her priority was the safety of people both in and outside the car and going on about me not answering questions was an issue and saying I was concentrating wasn't a good enough excuse to blank her. I had no praise for things I was doing right at all. So I told her that she lost my trust last week when she told me I had no choice but to do Holderness Road whether I liked it or not after telling me that she would never make me do something I'm not comfortable with. Her response was I can't keep driving around the same areas and I was doing ok doing the traffic lights near me and that's a main road too. Yes it is, except the road near me isn't a 2-lane A-road... Apparently stalling wasn't an issue yet at the time I was constantly being told I had to be faster. Anyway, told her I'd had a huge knot in my chest all day because I was dreading my lesson and I shouldn't be feeling like that. If she'd actually been watching me, she would have seen that I was adjusting to what she said, just verbalising was too much today. And that was down to her. The way she spoke to me made me feel like a naughty schoolgirl outside the headmasters office. I felt attacked by her. I told her about how nervous I was and about my anxiety before she agreed to teach me, if she couldn't adjust her teaching to that then she shouldn't have taken me on imho

----------


## Suzi

Well said! What a horrible person..

----------


## Jaquaia

Her response when I said I shouldn't be dreading my lessons was "fair enough", that was it. No apology about me feeling that way. She justified it by telling me she told me she would push me and she wouldn't make me do something she didn't think I could do and that I'm capable of a lot more than I think. Maybe so, but there are ways of interacting with people to coax the best out of them and all she's managed to do is make me feel like a failure. I understand that she's teaching me to do what I need to do but I've said a couple of times that I may need a bit longer to grasp some things, I'm academic, not practical. I'm struggling with stopping and starting, how is making me do an A-road going to help me achieve that? Even when I managed better than normal today, nothing was said, no positive reinforcement at all, just negative. I know that I sometimes need pushing but if I feel attacked or pushed too hard I shut down. She's destroyed the little bit of confidence I was starting to feel.

----------


## Suzi

You're so much better off without her!

----------


## Jaquaia

It does feel like a weight off my shoulders

----------


## Suzi

Then you know it was the right thing to do..

----------


## Jaquaia

Just spoken to the instructor J's friend recommended. He's so lovely!!!! Spent almost 20 minutes on the phone with him, he put me at ease straight away, he has no problem teaching the same thing over and over again, in fact he taught one woman for 4 years before she passed her test, and he also teaches people with autism and aspergers. He told me he doesn't really care what someones diagnosis is, if they have the ability then he will teach them as we're all human at the end of the day. He's recommended 1 and a half to 2 hour lessons as that way, if I need to practice something to death then I have plenty of time. He's hoping to get me started around mid-February  :): 

Oh and he also agreed that teaching so negatively is counterproductive!!!

----------

Suzi (29-01-19)

----------


## Angie

Well done on telling her and you made the right decision. The thing is that teaching you to drive is her job that she gets paid for so now she has one less person paying her but also she will of lost a recommendation which is a big thing for driving instructors and it is down to her own attitude that has happened, She should of taken it slower with you and built your confidence up in not only yourself and your driving but in her, the reality is she did the opposite so personally it is down to her own self this happened dont let her worry you know she is gone xx

----------

Jaquaia (28-01-19)

----------


## Suzi

Ahha, you have found your instructor! That's exactly what Claire was like for me and most importantly Ben! 

How are you today?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm feeling a lot... lighter! It's the only word I can think of to describe it. Tired and lethargic but my plan is to shower and then study for a couple of hours and then I'm spending the rest of the day with J

----------


## Suzi

I'm so glad you are - on both counts! Feeling lighter and spending the day with J!

----------


## Paula

Sounds like youve found and dealt with the root cause of whats been upsetting you recently, thank goodness. Enjoy your afternoon with J  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Yesterday was lovely! The plan was tea at the indoor market but it was cold and we hadn't had lunch so we dived into Costa, then wandered around the art gallery and the maritime museum. Wandered down to the indoor market but all the food places close early so popped into M&S to grab some food. Bumped into my old supervisor and had a nice long chat with her and also one of the girls on the shop floor. Though James has said he notices I put a front on when I see people I know. I suppose it's the old fake it to make it thing.

----------


## Suzi

I'm so glad you had a lovely day! You sound brighter today too....

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm grumpy today. TOTM, stomach ache and irritable. Currently taking a break from cleaning the bathroom. Going to give the hallway and my room a quick hoover too then study and eat lots of chocolate. Oh! Maintained weight too. Would have preferred to lose but that's probably due to TOTM.

----------


## magie06

Well done. STS is better than going up!

----------


## Jaquaia

44 pounds lost from my heaviest so far

----------


## magie06

Oh WOW! That's amazing!!! Well done you! :(clap):  :(clap):

----------


## Suzi

Wow! That's amazing! Well done you!

----------


## Paula

Youre incredible!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't see that. I'm just me xx

----------


## Paula

Yeah, but just you is awesome!

----------


## Flo

Well done on the weight loss Jaq. When Zoe has TOTM she buys a huge bar of Galaxy, disguises it as something else in foil then hides it at the back of the fridge! Woe betide anyone that finds it and nicks any!! She's also a man hater for 2-3 days!! :(giggle):

----------


## Jaquaia

Me and J popped into M&S to grab tea and ended up coming out with gigantic chocolate buttons and sea salt fudge bites. We killed the fudge bites while watching Kinky Boots last night, I'll be killing the buttons tonight!!!!

I just get irritable and tearful and end up with stomach ache for a few days.

----------


## Jaquaia

Tom is completely cancer free!!!! Woohoo!!!!!  :(party):  :(party):  :(party):

----------

Paula (30-01-19)

----------


## Angie

Thats brilliant news hunni x

----------

Jaquaia (30-01-19)

----------


## Suzi

So pleased! That's a huge weight off your mind... Brilliant news! I know how close you are!

----------

Jaquaia (30-01-19)

----------


## Flo

Afternoon Jaq...how are things today love?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tired and restless. Have changed both lots of bedding and trying to crack on with uni work but struggling to focus

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  Sorry you're not feeling that great...

----------


## Jaquaia

It's something I'm getting used to really. At the hospital with my mum in the morning then doing a little shopping then spending the day studying. Then, weather dependent, hugs from J for an hour or so!

----------


## Suzi

But you shouldn't be "getting used to it!" You deserve to be happy love..

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm a lot happier than I was. I just hate being here

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------


## Suzi

Not forever love, you will get out and be happy..

----------


## Paula

Try and hold on to the big picture, sweetie, this is only temporary  :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

Sometimes it's difficult, especially when I'm struggling

----------


## Suzi

I know love, but try to see it like you would a puzzle or a diamond painting - it takes all the little bits to slot into place and you can't see the whole picture while you are working on each individual piece...

----------


## Jaquaia

That's a good analogy. I hate that I overthink things

----------


## Suzi

Ahh, so does Marc.... It's something we're learning to unravel - him at trying to not overthink and me at not getting frustrated at times...

----------


## Flo

Overthinking things with me results in anxiety. Ian tries to make me think logically but he too gets frustrated! I know I'm my own worst enemy and I give myself a lot of grief at times and I try to be logical, but it doesn't always work. But hey Jaq, what lovely times you're having with J. This time last year it was a totally different story wasn't it?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm brilliant at thinking logically!!! It drives J crazy when I logic things out for him! I'm just rubbish when it comes to doing it for myself...

----------


## Flo

I think that's the case more or less across the board! :(wasntme):

----------


## Suzi

How are you today lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

Sinus headache, my eyes hurt so my plan was to slowly plod through my uni work with lots of breaks while my parents went to my sisters. Except sister dear is coming here... surprised she can remember where we live...

So todays plan instead is Scarlett hugs and trying to stop Talia from being a knob, relearning standard deviation and reading about how results sections are constructed in psychological reports.

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're feeling better lovely.....

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm clenching my jaw which isn't helping but finished my chapter at least. Been sat drawing with Scarlett. Just tired and it's too peoplely today.

----------


## Paula

> I'm clenching my jaw which isn't helping but finished my chapter at least. Been sat drawing with Scarlett. Just tired and it's too peoplely today.


Yep, I know exactly what you mean....

----------


## Jaquaia

I've just realised I've not been for a wee since about 10am... not surprising when I've only had 1 glass of coke all day... 

Before I get told off, I've just installed an app that will remind me to drink every hour because this really is an issue

----------


## Paula

Good to hear, hunni, nice to know the gentle hints have gone in  :(giggle):

----------


## Jaquaia

It had to happen at some point!

----------


## Suzi

> Before I get told off, I've just installed an app that will remind me to drink every hour because this really is an issue


Good! I'm glad you're taking it seriously!

----------


## Jaquaia

I've had a reminder or two....

----------


## Suzi

Really? Are you sure? I wonder who from?

----------


## Jaquaia

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## Flo

You mean the Rosa Klebb of drink, eats and meds??...blimey, she get's everywhere!

----------


## Suzi

How are you gorgeous?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tired, struggling to concentrate, irritable and I've ran out of chocolate. That's probably a good thing really but still!!!

----------


## Suzi

Sorry it's not a great one lovely....

----------


## Jaquaia

I watched Sing. Cartoons make me happy!

----------


## Suzi

I love Sing!  :):  Maybe you need a bit of Moana? Or Lilo and Stitch? or Frozen?

----------


## Jaquaia

Lilo and Stitch is one of my favourites!!! Love Moana and Frozen, though I wasn't keen on Frozen the first time I watched it. Hercules is my favourite disney though.

----------


## Suzi

OMG Hercules is Hazel's favourite! She knows all the songs (but she does to all Disney lol) and Lilo and Moana and Mulan and Frozen and all of them!

What'cha doing today?

----------


## Jaquaia

I love Mulan!!! My brothers girlfriend has borrowed my copy as she's never seen it! 

I'm studying for now. J is popping round this afternoon but when all depends on when he wakes up, night shifts are fun!

----------


## Paula

Does he always do nights or do they change the rota?

----------


## Jaquaia

They change the rota. He's got a night shift tomorrow and then back on days on Sunday.

----------


## Paula

My dad did nights in the fire service - its a huge strain on the body ....

----------


## Jaquaia

On the plus side I've managed to show him that he needs to be back in counselling. They just rang at 9am to arrange his assessment...

----------


## Paula

Fab!!

----------


## Jaquaia

Tonight is me being relieved that my grandparents and aunts graves have not been vandalised. I should never, ever have to feel like that! In what world do people think it's a good idea to vandalise graves?

----------


## Mira

In no world what so ever. Its a horrible thing to do and so disrespectful.

----------


## Mira

How are you feeling today?

----------


## Jaquaia

A little unsettled. I had bad dreams and the cemetery being vandalised probably didn't help that. My cousin is going to check if her dads grave is one of those vandalised today. Another cousins husband went out to check my grandparents, aunts and his mums graves about half 8 last night, but my uncle died when I was still a baby so before they married, so he didn't know where his grave is. Trying to study to keep myself occupied though.

----------


## Suzi

So glad you've managed to get J to go back to counselling! 

I will never understand why people feel that vandalising graves is ok to do. It isn't. My thoughts to those who have had to deal with that. 

Hope you're doing OK lovely.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm plodding. Tired but plodding. It's all I can do really.

----------


## Allalone

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Hey you, why so plodding? How are you today? Can you get some proper rest at all?

----------


## Paula

Any plans today?

----------


## Jaquaia

Studying. Feel a bit crap today, realised this morning that I forgot to take my pregabalin last night...

I promise that I will take breaks though not too many as my aunt is coming down and she irritates me!

----------


## Suzi

Oh bugger!Missing pregabalin isn't much fun.... :Panda:  
Why does she irritate you?
Have you taken a break and a drink recently?

----------


## Paula

Oh yuck, I did that last week - its really not fun ....
Just do what you need to do in your own time, lovely  :(bear):

----------

Jaquaia (07-02-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Suzi, she does nothing but complain about everything, she's just a very negative person. And even my parents is a bit too peoplely today...

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

I've messed my mums meds up. I forgot to order them and she runs out of her RA ones tomorrow. FFS!!!

----------


## Paula

Can you get them to do an urgent one?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've managed to get her an appointment tomorrow

----------


## Paula

Well done, hunni

----------


## Jaquaia

It's just something I didn't really need

----------


## Suzi

Could she not do her own meds love? Or could you get your pharmacist to make up dosette boxes for her so you don't have to deal with all this?

----------


## Paula

> Could she not do her own meds love? Or could you get your pharmacist to make up dosette boxes for her so you don't have to deal with all this?


Good point. Jaq - how is she going to cope when you move in with J? Will she need carers? (And I am not trying to make you feel guilty, its about time you started living your own life and Im proud of you for all the changes youve been making in your life over the last year  :): )

----------

Jaquaia (07-02-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

She can't even remember what she's supposed to take and when. Not sure about the pharmacist, they won't even order her drugs with them being CD drugs

I assumed that I would still do them. My dad would look after her I assume.

----------


## Paula

The pharmacy wont do her CD repeats? Mine do (its a small Boots) so is it worth trying to find somewhere that does?

----------


## Suzi

I agree with Paula, it might be easier to find somewhere that will!

How are you today?

----------


## Jaquaia

They used to so I don't understand why they don't anymore

----------


## Suzi

Could you call them and ask? Think of it as self care?

----------


## Jaquaia

They have explained it to my mum and I can't remember why. It's a handy pharmacy for my mum as it's only at our local shops.

----------


## magie06

Any plans for the weekend Jaq? Are you seeing J? Maybe a meal out or a movie?

----------


## Jaquaia

Sunday I'll have to be peoplely as it's my mums birthday and J is staying over on Sunday night  :(inlove):  other then that, just studying

----------


## Suzi

No plans to do something nice for you before J coming over?

----------


## Jaquaia

I need to try and catch up. I have an essay due in 2 weeks. I've not been studying on a night though, watched Paranoid over the last few nights and started Bodyguard tonight

----------


## Suzi

I'm concerned about you. The lack of drinking, your mood seems a bit flat....

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok. Plodding along. Just a bit flat at the moment. Not sure why really

----------


## Suzi

Are you keeping a mood diary or similar?

----------


## Jaquaia

I haven't. My mood is pretty stable, it's just low-ish at the moment

----------


## Paula

It seems its been low-ish for a while. Im a little concerned......

----------


## Suzi

I agree with Paula....

----------


## Jaquaia

It just feels normal to me. There are no thoughts of SH or worse so it's an improvement on how I have been.

----------


## Suzi

But being as low and flat as you have been still isn't right love...

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know what else they can do. My GPs are out of options, they can't increase the vortioxetine as I'm on the max dose. I think it's a case of trying to be kind to myself, not pushing too hard and waiting for it to pass.

----------


## Suzi

You don't think that the nurse prescriber who you saw could help?

----------


## Jaquaia

It would mean another referral and having to be assessed again.

----------


## Suzi

Or a phone call? Could you call him and ask?

----------


## Jaquaia

Again, it would mean going through the HTT, and they would just refer me to go to my GP as I'm no longer a patient. He did say that if there are any problems then I should go to my GP and I can always be referred. It's scary though as he said if this doesn't work then the options are either an older antidepressant which I know can have nasty side effects. He was reluctant to take that option because of that. I can't take tricyclics because I'm on hydroxychloroquine and they can increase the risk of arrhythmia. And his other suggestion was antipsychotics. With it being a relatively new antidepressant too, I'm not sure about augmentation therapy. The vortioxetine is working, it's just not perfect.

----------


## Suzi

Fair enough, but please, don't rule it out completely?

----------


## Jaquaia

I promise that I won't. I know things aren't right at the moment, I'm irritable, lethargic and always feel tired. I reminded J about spoon theory last night as he's struggling at the moment. I remind my mum about spoon theory. I just never apply it to myself.

----------


## Suzi

But you deserve it to be applied to you too.....

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't see that. But at least I got all my mums meds sorted.

----------


## Paula

Thing is, love, you know as well as we do that treatment is not just about the meds, its also about making those changes in your life you need to which is mainly about self care. If youre not looking after yourself, youre not giving the meds the optimal chance of working to the maximum. Please, please try to put yourself first at least some of the time

----------


## Jaquaia

I think the biggest thing I need to change is my drinking habits. I've not even had a litre yet. Going to go get another drink in a minute though, been on the phone with J and have my orders.

----------


## magie06

One of the main things I was told that helped in my remission from depression was - you can't pour from an empty jug. They explained that, like on an aeroplane, you put your own oxygen mask on before you help anyone else. If you don't look after yourself, you won't be able to look after those around you. Please try to drink some more. Your body is made up of a huge amount of water, and during the day you lose a huge amount by just breathing, being in a heated room and going to the loo. If you don't replace all this water, your brain can become dehydrated and cause low moods. 
Lecture over!

----------

Suzi (09-02-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I know. I've never drank a lot since I was a child, it's a hard habit to get out of.

----------


## magie06

Agreed. Your post from just a couple of days ago said you were going to try a litre per day. How is that going?

----------


## Jaquaia

Just managing it but it's taking a lot of effort

----------


## Suzi

The more you do it, the easier it gets? I know it has with my treadmill, so am approaching the drinking thing in the same way. It's something I've struggled with Hazel....

----------


## Jaquaia

I will drink more tomorrow as J will be here to bug me about drinking!

----------


## Paula

> I will drink more tomorrow as J will be here to bug me about drinking!


Which is great, but you really need to find a system that works so J (and us) dont have to bug you ....  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I know. I've only just managed a litre today.

----------


## Suzi

Why don't you drink? Do you not like the taste? The sensation? Do you not get thirsty?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't really think about it or I start doing something and forget about drinking. And I suppose it's what my body has gotten used to. I never really feel thirsty. If I do drink during the day, it's usually because I think I should make an effort or J has bollocked me and demanded photographic evidence or you lot have nagged, sorry, reminded me. I've had 2 drinks today, both have lasted me around 5 hours. And I know that is not good when even being on a diuretic doesn't make me need the loo any more frequently.

----------


## Angie

Can you have high water content foods aswell just add to the drinks your drinking no it doesnt replace having a drink but it helps

----------

OldMike (10-02-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm trying to make sure I eat fruit

----------

Angie (10-02-19)

----------


## Paula

What about soup, things like that?

----------


## Jaquaia

I often have cuppa soup for dinner. Didn't today as Scarlett was down, everyone was as it's my mums birthday. Almost finished my first drink though

----------


## Suzi

How you doing now love?

----------


## Jaquaia

It's been very peoplely. She's very bossy, she made me sit on the floor drawing with her. Feel exhausted and on edge now but going to go and try and do a little work. I probably shouldn't as I've had 5 hours sleep but I need to do something, even if it is just writing up my notes from the section of my chapter

----------


## Suzi

Who made you sit on the floor and draw? Hope you're resting too.... Sounds like a trying day.. .

----------


## Jaquaia

Sorry, Scarlett. Either drawing or blowing bubbles.

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like the better option to me!

----------


## Jaquaia

I can deal with Scarlett, the adults are the issue

----------


## Suzi

Yup! It normally is!

----------


## Jaquaia

I've come up to do uni work. I clearly said that was what I was doing before I came upstairs. Yet my mother has just come up to ask if J enjoyed himself last night, even though she asked him before he left!!!  :@:

----------


## Paula

Sorry, hun, that made me giggle. Though, without wanting to upset you, and I know you do understandably struggle with your personal space being violated, there are many times when I wish my mum could follow me around the house .....

----------


## Jaquaia

You haven't upser me. It's very different for you, they've lived so far away for a long time so you've not been able to see them often so I completely understand that. My room is the only space I have to call my own and at the moment, it feels like I haven't even got that

----------


## Suzi

I assume you've talked to her about it?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've tried but she just immediately takes offence so I give up. I need to face that I either need to try and deal with it until J is ready for me to move in, and god knows when that will happen; or try and get my own place.

----------


## Paula

Have you thought about a house share until J is ready?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't think that would be good for my mental health. I think it would end in me isolating myself even more then I do now. I struggle to get to know people in person. I've looked at prices in Hull anyway and I would have to top up the payment, even on HB, the house shares I've seen are £80+ a week. Add in the bills I have and food and I wouldn't be able to afford it and driving lessons would have to be cancelled completely until I could find work and I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet.
I just need to deal with it, just like I need to deal with a lot of things

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni  :Panda:  :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

In other news, had to deal with Cruella going out for tea with J and the children. It's A's birthday and T asked if she could go and I've always said that I won't object to them doing things together for the children with things like their birthdays but it's bloody hard.

Oh and I have a driving lesson tomorrow.

----------


## Paula

Youll be great tomorrow, even booking these lessons after what happened is awesome!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not convinced. I'm already nervous.

----------


## Suzi

I agree, you'll be fabulous!

----------


## Allalone

I’m sure it’ll be fine Jaq.  :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

I hope so. He does seem to be really nice and one of J's best friends recommended him and said he was lovely. Tomorrow will tell.

----------


## Suzi

What are you doing today to try to pace and stay as calm as you can? What time is your lesson?

----------


## Jaquaia

My lesson is 1-3. All I've done so far is eat and take my meds. Going to take a shower and maybe read. I don't know yet

----------


## Suzi

How you doing love?

----------


## OldMike

Good luck with your lesson Jaq  :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

Ok mostly. Struggling a little

----------


## magie06

When I was learning to drive, I'd bring a hand towel with me to put on my knees. My hands would sweat so much, the steering wheel would be slipping. It also helped with my nerves because I knew there was something I could control.

----------


## Suzi

Leaving this here for when you get back  :Panda:  I'm really proud of you for going!

----------


## Jaquaia

He is absolutely brilliant!!!! I feel so comfortable and I would say I felt normal level anxiety today. I felt comfortable behind the wheel, he explained everything really clearly and was happy to repeat things for me. He made sure I understood things and was ok if things appeared to go over my head. I felt I did really well today and he told me I did really well. He's disagreed with pretty much everything she's told me though, he actually said it sounds like everything she said is a load of  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: . I really enjoyed it! Scary but I enjoyed it!!!

----------


## Paula

:(party):  :(party):  well done, lovely, thats AWESOME

----------


## Jaquaia

My mums already commented on the difference in me. He asked me to mark myself out of 10 for how well I'd done. I said 7 and he thought I was being harsh on my self. I did 2 roundabouts, stopping and setting off, didn't stall once, he said my road positioning was good the last time I parked up was spot on. I can't believe I felt comfortable behind the wheel but I really did!!!

----------

Allalone (12-02-19),OldMike (13-02-19),Paula (12-02-19)

----------


## magie06

That is so WONDERFUL!!!! I'm so happy you didn't just throw in the towel and say that driving wasn't for you. You're such an inspiration. Well done.  :(party):   :(y):

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm just doing what I need to do magie. J lives in a small village about 10 miles out of town so I need to be able to drive before I move in with him really, or at least close to driving as there is only 2 buses a day and his parents are nearly 70 and 75 so I can't rely on them. Plus my training courses are in Hull and Beverley, so again, need to be able to drive to get there.

----------


## Angie

It makes such a difference the attitude of your driving instructor and that shows today hunni well done

----------


## Suzi

I'm so thrilled for you! Well done!

----------


## Allalone

That’s fantastic Jaq! Well done!xx

----------


## Jaquaia

J has the children on Thursday so he brought my Valentine's gift today. Now Valentine's is only something I've ever really bothered with since I met J, he wants to do the whole dating things properly as I've never really had it before. Well... he made me cry again!!! He said such beautiful things in the card and has bought me this "A Rough Outline: The Singles & B-Sides 1995-2003" https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B000ECXC..._7m0yCbHYQESBH

I only briefly showed him it and then complained because someone had bought the only copy that wasn't £30 not realising that someone was him!!!! He's such a sneaky twat but I do love him. And he's the only one who ever manages to make me cry in happiness  :(inlove):

----------


## Allalone

That’s lovely Jaq. I’m so happy for you.xx

----------


## Suzi

Awww! He' an old romantic isn't he? So pleased for you!

----------


## magie06

Did you get one of those big huge cards with lots of romantic verses written on it? 
'I wish I was a big blue duck egg, 
A big huge whopper,
And you beside me on the pan, 
A long and thin streaky rasher.' 
Just one I can remember off the top of my head.

----------

OldMike (13-02-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

No it just said "One I love. Saw you. Like you. Keeping you."  :(inlove):

----------


## Paula

> Did you get one of those big huge cards with lots of romantic verses written on it? 
> 'I wish I was a big blue duck egg, 
> A big huge whopper,
> And you beside me on the pan, 
> A long and thin streaky rasher.' 
> Just one I can remember off the top of my head.


 :(rofl):

----------


## OldMike

Well done on the driving front Jaq  :(party):

----------


## Jaquaia

I did adulting!!!! I rang my debt company as driving lessons were going to make all my bills a struggle to keep up with. They've more than halved my payments and then put me through to their solicitor to discuss my plan with them (dickhead really is a  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: !). Well, based on my new plans, the payment with them would be classed as manageable but the guy I spoke to started asking who I cared for and how it impacted on me. I freely admitted I had mental health problems anyway and had for 13 years now. He asked about treatment so I explained that I was medicated and had been discharged back to my GP. Because I have mental health problems, apparently that means they are no longer able to pursue any legal action if I missed payments so they are referring it back to their client! I have to wait for a letter from the client and then contact them when I get it. It's not even a case of paying them if a payment becomes due before I get the letter! He said don't worry about the debt, just focus of me and my health! Just wow!!!

Seriously guys, if you have debt issues, don't avoid it, speak to the company. The agents I have dealt with from 2 companies and a solicitors have been brilliant and really understanding.

----------


## magie06

OMG! You are a proper grown-up. Well done. Seriously, your 5 on Friday is going to be brilliant.

----------


## Paula

Thats fantastic news!

----------


## Suzi

That's fantastic!

----------


## Jaquaia

It's such a huge relief!

----------


## Suzi

How's the drinking going?

----------


## Jaquaia

Erm...

----------


## Suzi

Have you had a drink recently?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've had about half a glass. Getting stressed now though as my mum is cracking me up and my dad is drinking which isn't helping and Talia knows how to bring me back to earth with a bang! I didn't check what she was doing when she disappeared out of my room while I was working...  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ting on the back door mat  :X:  my own fault for not checking as she had gone to the door

----------


## Paula

Niiiice :/ Please drink, hunni, youre going to make yourself poorly  :(:

----------


## Jaquaia

I've managed about a glass and have a bottle of water with me too. Will keep trying

----------


## Suzi

How big is the bottle and how much of it have you drunk? 

Sweetheart does your GP know how little you are drinking if they are prescribing diuretics?

----------


## Jaquaia

It's 800ml. Still drinking the one I got with tea, not actually started my water yet. I don't know why I struggle with it so much. 

The weightwise team were aware of how little I drink, not sure if I've ever mentioned it to my GP

----------


## Paula

Im with Suzi, I think its important they know about it.

----------


## Jaquaia

I will try and increase what I drink as I don't want to come off it again. The last time I was taken off it, my hair started falling out quicker.

----------


## Suzi

What? The diuretic? I've not heard about using that for hair loss before... You have to increase what you are drinking. The harm you can be doing to your kidneys is huge love. You are asking them to push out more water when you aren't taking in what you would lose every day just by being alive... They can only cope under that kind of strain for so long. I'm sorry to sound harsh, but I know how horrible kidney disease is and how bad it can get when they hit kidney failure....

----------


## Jaquaia

It's off licence. The dermatology consultant prescribed it for me. I never need to go any more often than normal so I'm guessing that is not a great sign... I  will normally have 2 or 3 drinks on a night, it's during the day that's a problem.

----------


## Paula

Have you managed to drink anything today? Whats your normal for going to the loo?

----------


## Jaquaia

4 or 5 times a day, usually when I get up and then mainly mid-afternoon onwards. I've had about quarter of a glass. Still not been for a wee yet. I have a bottle of water with me so will start sipping it.

----------


## Paula

You havent had a wee since you woke up? Thats not good, love, you should be desperate to go after a nights sleep ....

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm very rarely desperate to go when I wake up. I have drank just under half a bottle of water though so trying to make a bigger effort today.

----------


## Suzi

Keep going with it, you have to crack this one love.

----------


## Jaquaia

Trying, I just don't really feel thirsty

----------


## Paula

> I'm very rarely desperate to go when I wake up. I have drank just under half a bottle of water though so trying to make a bigger effort today.


Flippin eck, I can barely make it to the en-suite :0

Then set your alarm for every 10 min, at least if you miss every other one youre still drinking more than you were

----------


## Jaquaia

I've reset the reminder for every half an hour. I'll see how I go with that for now

----------

Paula (14-02-19)

----------


## Suzi

> Trying, I just don't really feel thirsty


But you need to reprogramme yourself so you do....

----------


## Jaquaia

Trying! Almost hit a litre

----------


## Suzi

A whole litre? That's awesome!

----------


## Jaquaia

Even passed a litre now!

So it turns out that T knows of me...

----------


## Suzi

T? IS that the ex? 

Well done for passing a litre!!

----------


## Paula

> T? IS that the ex?


If it is, that really a bad thing, in the long term?

----------


## Jaquaia

T would be his little boy. Turns out she asked him in December if he had heard my name mentioned. He had an attitude today and turned round to J and said "You know mum's been asking me about Jaq?"

----------


## Suzi

What did he say?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not actually sure, I can't remember if he said now. He's angry at her but he's not going to say anything in case T was told not to say anything as he doesn't want to drop him in it. He's just going to give her the rope to hang herself. She's out of order dragging the children in to things like that.

----------


## magie06

How's your day going?

----------


## Jaquaia

Just on my way home from town after my eye test. Oh and I went on the bus on my own!!! £74 lighter as I needed new glasses AGAIN!!!! So got prescription sunglasses too as the lovely man in the opticians gave me a discount!

----------


## Suzi

Hooray for new glasses?! Definitely hoorah for discounts!

----------


## Jaquaia

I only got new glasses a year ago but my left eye is weaker then my right eye so needed a stronger prescription. I'm even at the stage where I get a bigger NHS voucher because of my prescription! I asked how much it would cost to get a pair done as sunglasses and he said about 2 for 1 which you're not meant to get with an NHS voucher, so 2 pair of glasses and paying for ultra thin lenses for my normal glasses for £74. Had to pay for ultra thin lenses, without them the outside of my lense has hit 1cm thick....

----------


## Paula

But you went on the bus alone!  :(party):

----------


## Jaquaia

There and back!!!! And walked through town to the bus station! And didn't get any back pain at all so really feeling the benefit of the weight loss so far!!! And dealt with the bus going a different way through town as they're knocking a building down by the usual bus stop with minimal anxiety!

----------

Paula (15-02-19)

----------


## magie06

You really are amazing!! That's wonderful progress.

----------


## Jaquaia

If I'm so awesome then why do people treat me like  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ?
My brother asked about my driving lesson and what my instructor said about her so I told him and all I got was I wouldn't do it like this, I wouldn't do it like that, I guarantee you'll pick up bad habits with how you hold the steering wheel/speeding etc. Wouldn't accept that how you're supposed to hold the wheel is how I find it comfortable, wouldn't accept that he's picked up bad habits like speeding as apparently it's completely different if it's on 2 wheels so told him to wind his neck in as he was getting arrogant with the way he was being with me, rolling his eyes at everything I said. He response was "me getting arrogant???". No brother dear, I was trying to defend what I've been taught, what my mum also agreed with as she was taught the same way and as usual, you think you know better. So told him he didn't have to worry about taking me out in his car as he obviously didn't want to anyway with the excuses he come out with. Apparently he wasn't making excuses but told him everyone has said his reason was a load of rubbish so forget about it. Apparently he couldn't take me out in his car as he drives a diesel and they're very different to petrol. My dad, J and my instructor have all said it's a load of rubbish as all clutches are slightly different and it being diesel or petrol isn't that important, it's what you get used to. J is car mad, my dad was a mechanic for years, my instructor has been teaching for nearly 30 years yet my brother still insists he's right.

----------


## Paula

It actually sounds to me that hes not treating you like  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  in particular, but that hes so convinced hes always right, it wouldnt matter if it was you or anyone else whos learning, hed still argue the toss. Try not to take it personally, lovely

----------


## Jaquaia

I already have taken it personally as it's almost had me in tears. I'm fed up of the negativity directed at me. Why do I always have to be the one in the wrong?

----------


## Suzi

I had similar with my parents eldest. I couldn't believe it when I was told he was going to teach me..... 

Breathe hunni, breathe and distract all the way...

----------


## Jaquaia

I just can't be doing with it. My mum insists on telling me things about my former best friends and doesn't take "I don't care" as a hint that I don't want to know. I really hate being here at times

----------


## Jaquaia

Pride and Prejudice and a bag of mini creme eggs. Much better  :):

----------

Paula (15-02-19)

----------


## Paula

I was watching the series version today (where Colin Firth was outed as a hottie  :O: ). Great minds!

----------


## Jaquaia

I spotted it on BBC iPlayer so I didn't even have to get up to change discs!  :O:  

It's a comfort thing for me, it never fails to cheer me up

----------


## magie06

I did the novel for my leaving cert and loved it. When it came out with Colin Firth I was in heaven! 
And I still think you are amazing. I have a brother who's the same way. We got on great when he was living in San Francisco, but when he moved home we started clashing again. It's his way or no way. He sees everything as white or black and there's no grey area. It's his way, and I mostly ignore everything he has to say. We get on better that way.

----------


## Jaquaia

I take things too much to heart and if I'm honest, my head hasn't been the greatest just lately so I really didn't need him being an arse, especially after pushing myself to go into town on my own. I didn't have the spoons for that and him and studying. It doesn't help that when talking to my mum or she starts asking questions, everything has to be repeated as she's more interested in playing games on her phone or DS. Ffs mother, if you want to know things thenactually listen!

Magie, it's my favourite novel! I have 3 copies of it!!! I have the copy I bought a few years ago, the copy J bought me as part of the Jane Austen boxset for my birthday and he also bought me a hardback copy from the early 70s which has the wonderful smell books start getting after a few decades. I absolutely adore it.

----------


## Suzi

How are you today?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tired, irritable and hibernating in my room with my textbooks today!

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  Hope you get some rest too lovely...

----------


## magie06

Try and build up some spoons for yourself. Thinking of you honey. I dreamt of my brother last night! Some of the really nasty rows we had as children and even as young adults. I woke Gerry with my shouting.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm trying to catch up but also trying to make time to just do nothing.It will be Mr Darcy again tonight!

----------


## Paula

Im way ahead of you! Wykeham has just gone chasing after the heiress  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

He is a cad and a bounder!

----------


## Suzi

Lol, I haven't seen it in years!

----------


## Jaquaia

I love it! Mr Darcy is currently going for a dip  :O:

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):

----------


## Paula

Ive finished, and am already bereft. May have to once again read direct from the genius behind Mr Darcy  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I've been contemplating the exact same thing all day

----------


## Suzi

Lol..

How are you today Jaq?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tired, headachey, my house is too peoplely...

----------


## Paula

Any chance of you being up to sitting down in a local coffee shop with a book? I know therell be more people, but they wont expect anything from you itms

----------


## Jaquaia

I often do that when I'm meeting J. It gets dangerous if I choose the Costa in Waterstones though...

Made myself get a shower which has helped the headache so maybe it was a tension headache...

----------


## OldMike

> Tired, headachey, my house is too peoplely...


Not at all peoply here except for some old dude  :(giggle):  I know what you mean it's nice to have people around but not too much.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  Hope you get to do something that is less peopley, but also not just shut away in your room too....

----------


## Jaquaia

Head is banging again. Have grabbed a drink and dinner, have put tea in to cook, homemade goulash today, and am going to plod steadily through some work.

----------


## magie06

Try not to do too much and try to rest. Your headache won't get any better if you study too much.

----------


## Jaquaia

It's a case of it's a necessity. 3 weeks worth of work to do and an assignment due in a week on Tuesday.

----------


## Suzi

Have you thought of taking your work to your local library one day? You might find it easier without the interruptions? Then you wouldn't be under so much pressure each time an assignment is due in? I know I'd struggle to get things done with people to deal with, etc....

----------


## Jaquaia

My local library has moved and is now much smaller and busier as the building is used for all sorts. It would have been perfect where it was as it was attached to my school and had huge tables at the back. I used to love working in there but it's been knocked down now. I'm thinking of getting SCONUL access to Hull Uni so I can use their library

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like a good plan....

----------


## magie06

I'm hoping that the studying is going okay. Keeping you in my prayers.

----------


## Paula

Youre quiet, lovely

----------


## Jaquaia

I was studying most of yesterday, was even writing notes while watching the football! And spent a couple of hours with J, he's really not good at the moment but he's not talking to me as much as he should be as he "doesn't want to worry me as I have enough on my mind to deal with" and he doesn't want to talk here "as he doesn't want to intrude on my space", which is a load of rubbish as I show him what I write here anyway. Truth is, he doesn't think his problems are valid as he's been labelled "poor little posh boy" so many times. Even offered him access to the mens section. All I can do is keep encouraging him to talk but worried a lot about him at the moment and trying to catch up with work and constant interruptions from my mother. Oh and Talia us currently sat with her back to me sulking as I won't let her on my bed as I have uni work spread everywhere!

So yeah! That's where I'm at...

----------


## magie06

You have such a lot going on. Thinking of you as you find your way through all of it.

----------


## Jaquaia

Back from my driving lesson and...

I DID IT WITHOUT TAKING MY PROPRANOLOL!!!! And minimal anxiety too!!!  :(party):

----------

magie06 (19-02-19),OldMike (19-02-19)

----------


## OldMike

Woo hoo brilliant  :(party):

----------


## Paula

You. Are. Truly. AWESOME!

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't see that but I'm happy I coped today. I even learnt angled starts today and dealt with having to break for a speeding van on a blind corner with very little panic.

----------


## Suzi

That's freaking AWESOME!!

----------


## magie06

I hope you got your assignment in on time. Thinking of you.

----------


## Suzi

How are you love?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tired. Went out for lunch with J, there's a fab little Sicilian street food place in the indoor market that does homemade pizzas and paninis and pasta. They make everything themselves, the ciabattas and the pizza dough, everything. It tastes absolutely amazing!!!! So we went for pizza and I ended up trying a green mandarin drink, sooooooo nice!!! Lunch with the love of my life and being served by a yummy Sicilian with a gorgeous Italian accent? Talk about spoilt  :O:  

Going to do some work tonight and consider if I need to email my tutor for an extension...

----------

Paula (20-02-19)

----------


## Suzi

That place sounds lovely! I love gems of places like that! 

Are you going to email for an extension?

----------


## Jaquaia

I  think so. I can't see me getting through everything with enough time to do my assignment. Not going to bother working tonight though. Going to read and rest. J bought me the new Jojo Moyes, which I didn't realise was a sequel to Me Before You and After You

----------


## Suzi

Rest lovely, rest..

----------


## Jaquaia

Just over a hundred pages in. I'm really enjoying it! I think tomorrow will be working most of the day though.

----------


## Paula

Lots of pacing please!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm going to try

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're doing OK lovely.. Lots of pacing.

----------


## Jaquaia

Breakfast, medicated, done my injection, had a small drink and showered. Planning on doing an hours work and then taking a break for lunch. I say lunch, the Asda shop is due and I'll get roped into helping sort that out, plus my mum has asked me to clean the garden up too...

----------


## Paula

Make sure theres some actual food and drink in amongst chores .....  :O:

----------


## Suzi

I agree! Pace and eat and drink properly too please?

----------


## Jaquaia

Food and drink, ok I'm slow with the drinking but still drinking! 

Starting another weeks work and have emailed my tutor for an extension.

----------


## Suzi

That's brilliant! Well done love!

----------


## Jaquaia

I can't do 2 weeks worth of work and write a decent TMA in 4 and a half days. I hate my head at times, everyone else is managing

----------


## Paula

Its not a competition, love. And you are doing this while being a career for your mum, going through a really tough time with J and trying to manage several health conditions. Youre doing brilliantly

----------


## Jaquaia

Today has been a huge wobble too so I'm amazed I got anything done. When she picked the children up this morning she asked him if he wanted to go with them and he said no because he didn't want to upset me even though he wanted to go for the children. I feel guilty and relieved at the same time. Of course, me being me told him if still doing family stuff would help his mood then I would deal with it but I don't want to have to deal with it. I don't want to have to be an adult about this. School things and birthdays and things like that is one thing but regular days out at this stage? When I'm still a secret and the children are still adjusting? I don't think that is fair on anyone.

----------


## Strugglingmum

:Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (21-02-19)

----------


## Suzi

No it's not fair on you, it's not fair on the children either - how are they meant to adjust when things like this keep popping up? I really think they need to get something sorted. It's good that they can exchange the children without a huge row, but really? Special family time? Now? Definitely not..

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh them exchanging the children without her kicking off at him is generally the exception, not the rule. I know what it is with him, he hates having to hand them back and misses them when they aren't at home. But her? I don't trust her as far as I can throw her, I don't trust her when she's being nice to him and I can't shake the feeling that she's going to broach the subject of them trying again... He thinks she might have felt sorry for him as he looked down but I'm not convinced she has that much humanity in her and I think she's scheming...

----------


## Paula

^^^wss and, you know what? Its ok for you not to be ok with it, and its ok if J chooses not to do this for your sake - how you feel about it all should be just as important

----------


## Jaquaia

That's what he said too

----------


## Paula

Hes a sensible lad  :O:

----------


## Suzi

Morning love... I agree this is not down to you at all..

----------


## Jaquaia

We've just talked about it a little on the phone and I admitted that I wasn't ok with them spending time together as a family and that it wasn't fair on anyone. He agreed with me. I still feel guilty but at least I was honest

----------


## Strugglingmum

I think that is incredibly important Jaq.  I didn't want to say too much yesterday but your needs and thoughts are as equally important. They are no longer a family and I feel behaving like one is only confusing the children more. 
You deserve the best. Xx

----------

Jaquaia (22-02-19),Suzi (22-02-19)

----------


## magie06

It's very important to be honest. And I've discovered that there are no mind readers. You have to say what's on your mind, for people to know what's going on.

----------

Jaquaia (22-02-19),Suzi (22-02-19)

----------


## Mira

I can understand that. I would feel guilty too. But that does not mean you where wrong about it. I think you are spot on. So eventhough it made you feel that way I think you did super. Believe me. My disorder makes it so I go out of my way to keep everybody else happy. And I disregard my own feelings. And my own believes and value's at time. But thats not healthy and it does not help me at all. You did the right thing. And that will be healthy for the both of you.

----------

Jaquaia (22-02-19),Suzi (22-02-19)

----------


## Suzi

See, we all agree with you! I hope you're feeling less guilty..... 
Did you get the extension?

----------


## Jaquaia

I did. So that's a huge relief!!! Still working now actually but it's been a struggle today, though now J knows I have the extensiom, he's making me have a rest on Sunday afternoon... might get him to do the psychology experiment first...

----------


## Suzi

Psychology experiment? I'll always help if you want or need..  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

It's a short video but we have to do the whole briefing, informed consent forms and debrief. We all have to do 2 each, though annoyingly, they aren't using our results, they have a set of results for us to use, they just want us to do it for practice!!! Then we have to write the whole thing up as a proper research report for our last assignment. Probably why we've had to relearn standard deviation and correlation coefficient...

Thinking about it, the lack of statistical analysis may be why I didn't do so well on my dissertation...

----------


## Paula

Morning, hunni, how are you doing?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tired. Been awake an hour but haven't found the energy to get up yet

----------


## Suzi

Morning lovely. So are you working today?

----------


## Jaquaia

I am. Done all the basics and showered. My body isn't cooperating though! Will just slowly plod through

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

How did the day go love?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've only just put my laptop away, got about 6/7 hours worth of work done today

----------


## Angie

Thats a huge amount of work hope your resting now hunni x

----------


## Jaquaia

The plan is to go and settle down in bed with my book now.

----------


## Paula

And youre resting tomorrow?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm going to do some work in the morning and rest with J tomorrow afternoon

----------


## Suzi

Make sure you get that rest in lovely. You can't work all the time...

----------


## Jaquaia

Well technically I could  :O:  but I am aware that it would do me more harm than good. J is going to do the experiment for me, then I'm going to put my work away to spend time with him

----------


## Suzi

Good!!

----------


## Jaquaia

See!!! I can be a good girl!!!

----------


## Suzi

So I've heard...  :(giggle):

----------


## Jaquaia

:Surprised: 

I joined the fb group for my module. On the one hand, I wish I hadn't as everyone is talking about what a nightmare this assignment is! On the other hand, there are others who have extensions or have fallen behind due to ill health so I don't feel as bad now.

----------


## Suzi

You'll be fine... Stop doubting yourself!

----------


## Paula

> On the other hand, there are others who have extensions or have fallen behind due to ill health so I don't feel as bad now.


Well, well what do you know?!

----------


## Jaquaia

> You'll be fine... Stop doubting yourself!


I always doubt myself, no matter what I do




> Well, well what do you know?!


 :P:

----------


## Suzi

Have you had a lovely afternoon?

----------


## Jaquaia

Just lots of hugging and talking and I may have pinned him down and bollocked him....

----------


## Suzi

OO Er Missus! Hope he survived!

----------


## Jaquaia

He bumped into Cruella today and A mentioned that "daddy had been to the hospital" so he told Cruella that he was back in therapy. Her response was along the lines of why bother? You jist ignore what they teach you. You expect everyone to help you and do nothing to help yourself so you're just wasting their time. Which led him to remember comments about being a drain on NHS resources. So he got a good talking to. 

I pointed out that if he was a drain on NHS resources then what was I. I pointed out that he was ill, that he had gone through over a decade of abuse and he is not going to deal with that  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  overnight. I pointed out that depression doesn't have to have a reason and that he is ill at the moment. I pointed out that he is not a poor little posh boy (guess where that phrase came from  :@: ) and that just because he comes from a middle-class background, it doesn't make his problems any less valid than someones from a working-class background. I also pointed out that he needs to start talking more, that there is no point trying to hide it so he doesn't worry me as I pick up on his low moods anyway, just as easily as he picks up on mine. Have suggested he try here again but he said he feels like a fraud...

----------

OldMike (25-02-19)

----------


## Suzi

Well said!

How are you today lovely!

----------


## Jaquaia

Tired mainly. I struggled to settle last night, was still awake at 2am.

----------


## Paula

Any idea why?

----------


## Suzi

I feel for you, I've just been like that for the last couple of weeks..  :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

No idea. I'm generally awake until midnight anyway but usually asleep not long after. I don't think it helped that I went downstairs and ended up talking to my mum after I spoke to J and she started telling me that my former best friend is thinking of adopting another child but Scarlett won't play with her and she doesn't grasp that I don't care. She told me the other week that the other one is getting married but my sister can't afford the hen do. They stabbed me in the back, their actions led to me not having my sister in my life for 2 years, led to me being blamed for her miscarriage (it was my mum who told me that too by the way), I ended up having no escape from an abusive relationship because their actions made it easy for him to isolate me further. All my mum achieves when telling me about their lives is to remind me that I am alone. I have no friends here, the only person I have other then my family is J. My brother and sister barely bother with me. Not to mention, how can my mum not realise that it's incredibly hurtful when she's talking about someone adopting, someone who stabbed me in the back, or telling me about my sister wants another baby? And yes, I've made this all clear more than once.

----------


## Suzi

Oh sweetheart no wonder you didn't sleep after all that! I have no idea why people insist on rubbing noses in things.... I have the same from my mum too....

----------


## Jaquaia

I kept telling her that I wasn't interested but she kept saying she wasn't telling me about them, she was telling me about Scarlett...

----------


## Suzi

But..... Oooo *headdesk* Oh Jaq, I'm sorry...

----------


## Jaquaia

I should be used to it, she just doesn't think half the time. I know it's not done maliciously but she really doesn't help.

----------


## Suzi

No, I can't see how it could ever be helpful. I assume you've tried the direct "Mum, stop now. I don't want to hear it"... each time she starts?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've tried the even more direct "I don't care. Why do I want to know about their lives going swimmingly? They stabbed me in the back. All you're achieving is to make me realise that I have no friends at all here"...

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni, I just want to wrap my arms around you and give you the biggest, biggest hug in the whole wide world.

----------


## Jaquaia

And as if my life isn't fun enough at the moment, I've now started and I have no chocolate!  :@:

----------


## Paula

Very, very, very huge ((hugs)), gorgeous lady

----------

Jaquaia (26-02-19)

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  lovely...

----------

Jaquaia (26-02-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I feel like someone is slowly twisting my insides, but spending the day with J and he's taking me out for lunch. He doesn't know it yet but he's buying me a chocolate brownie!!! Or ice cream... not decided yet... so many choices!! Oh and we're going to pick up my new glasses too. 5 times I rang yesterday to check if they were ready and it kept ringing off! My mum tries and gets straight through!!!

----------


## magie06

You could always have a warm chocolate brownie with some chocolate ice cream! Now that would be worth going out for. 
I know where you are coming from because while I was  out yesterday, I left my phone at home. Of course I had a missed call when I got home. The hospital were trying to get in contact. I tried about 5 times in the morning and no luck. Gerry tries once in the afternoon, gets through straight away. Sods law.

----------

Suzi (26-02-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I think what annoyed me most is she tried straight after my 5th attempt. What changed in those 30 seconds???

----------


## Paula

Sod decided to get in on the action .....

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're having a lovely time with J..

----------


## Jaquaia

I've had a lovely day.  We went for lunch at the Sicilian place in the indoor market again. Then we went for a stroll across town to pick my glasses up. Went back to mine and he was lovely, he brought some books with him so I could still get some work done and we could spend time together. He only left about 20 minutes ago, he stayed for tea. 

My mum annoyed me, I thought she was really rude. She came into my room while I was working and started telling me to put it away as I was being ignorant and she never brought me up that way, then started telling J that he was here to see me and started taking his book off him. I told her that she was being really rude as he offered to let me work and we'd talked about doing it like this so we could still spend time together. He was happy as he doesn't get much time to just read and focus on reading. I was able to get a chunk of work done and still be with him yet she came in and started carrying on like that!

----------


## Paula

Annoyed? Id be absolutely furious! Somehow, hunni,and Im not sure how, your family need to learn boundaries .....

----------

Jaquaia (27-02-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

It annoyed him to the extent he took his book downstairs with him when we went down for tea and sat reading. He doesn't like people touching his books as some of them aren't cheap and can be very difficult to replace. 

I've told her again how rude she was but I don't think it will make a difference.

----------


## Suzi

I cannot understand why she thinks it's OK to speak to you both like that?
My kids don't have partners over and I knock to go into their rooms when it's just them in there... However, my Mum was the same as yours....

----------

Jaquaia (27-02-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

She claims she was just joking with him. Don't think she'll do that again as I pointed out that the book he was reading last night is currently £52 on Amazon and that's second hand. Plus he had a magazine insert from the 50's with him on modelling. That would be nigh on impossible to replace. I just give up half the time as it never makes a difference. I've said a few times about just walking in, she took offence, behaved like a dick and went back to how it was in time. It's usually a quick knock and walk in.

----------


## magie06

I always knock on Aisling's door before I go in. It's only fair.

----------

Jaquaia (27-02-19),Suzi (27-02-19)

----------


## Mira

I must say that is rude. I believe that its up to you and J how you want to spend time. As its different and personal for everybody in a different way. I believe firmly in being respectful of people and propperty. So this would get me upset.

----------

Jaquaia (27-02-19),Suzi (27-02-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I've even pointed out that my room is the only space I have that's mine.

----------


## Paula

It sounds extreme, but have you considered putting a lock on it?

----------


## Jaquaia

My parents would never allow it and it's still their house.

----------


## Paula

But its also your home ...

----------


## OldMike

Your room is your only personal space and if your mum insists on just waltzing in when she feels like it a lock may be the only answer.

----------


## Jaquaia

It hasn't felt like my home for a while now. They say that home is where the heart is and my heart is with J. I just have to cope with being stuck here for another year or so.

----------


## Suzi

I was thinking of suggesting a lock too... Not sure how you'd bring that up in conversation though...

----------


## Jaquaia

They won't agree to a lock

----------


## Suzi

Door under the door handle?  :O: 

or a subtle 

" :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  off it's my room" sign?

----------


## Paula

> It hasn't felt like my home for a while now. They say that home is where the heart is and my heart is with J. I just have to cope with being stuck here for another year or so.


Whether you feel like it or not, it is your home and will be so for some time yet. Therefore, you need to make it as comfortable for yourself as possible. Or, quite frankly, you need to push J for you two to move in together sooner. Leaving things as they are is detrimental to your mental health.

----------

Suzi (27-02-19)

----------


## Angie

Jay's dad used to do this to Caitlin just walk in start reading her messages, it stopped when I told Jay that he puts a lock on the door or she doesn't go at all, he put a lock on the door his dad massively kicked off about it and was told he stops or he moves out, if she doesn't lock her door he will still just walk in so its perm locked when shes there.
I always knock or shout the kids and never go in their rooms unless they respond

----------


## Suzi

I can't agree with Paula strongly enough.

----------


## Jaquaia

> Whether you feel like it or not, it is your home and will be so for some time yet. Therefore, you need to make it as comfortable for yourself as possible. Or, quite frankly, you need to push J for you two to move in together sooner. Leaving things as they are is detrimental to your mental health.


No. It's a house I live in. A home is very different to me. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents but I'm often on edge here. My mum still has a habit of treating me like a child at times, I can't always cope with my dads drinking, and I often wish I was anywhere but here. To me, a home is where you can relax and shut out the world for a bit. I can't do that here and haven't been able to for a long time. I won't be moving in with J until the children are ok with that so I just need to make the best of things. Starting to get out of the house more should help with that.

----------


## Suzi

I totally know what you mean. This is the first place which I have called home and meant it. I promise it will happen for you love... It took me a long time, but I wouldn't appreciate it nearly as much as I do... I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it happen for you today....

----------


## Jaquaia

I really think he's worth it so I will find a way to make this work. I have my levels 1 and 2 in counselling this year which will get me out of the house and meeting new people one night a week. That will keep me busy and will distract me. Contemplating going full time with uni next year and I'll be doing my level 3. Plus if I sign up to the SCONUL scheme, I can spend a couple of days working in Hull Uni's library. Though wondering at the wisdom of doing my final project year full time and my level 4... Maybe it will distract me from the fact that I'll never be a mum too if I keep busy. I want to do a MSc in Mental Health Science and I've seen a fab PhD course in Mental Health at Lancaster Uni. Distance learning with a few weekend/week long academies. I've seen courses in psychotherapy and gestalt therapy. My future is something I can start planning for. My living situation I just have to do my best with.

----------


## Suzi

You are awesome love... I'm so proud to call you a friend.

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't think I do anything particularly special. 

I've just googled my glasses prescription. I'm officially severely myopic. I knew it was bad when they pointed out they'd moved me up a voucher band...

----------


## magie06

I think you are amazing. You have so many plans for the future with your course work and your driving. Go you!!

----------

Jaquaia (28-02-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I did hill starts!!! Ok, I wasn't meant to do a hill start but had to stop on a slight hill to let oncoming traffic pass so he taught me hill starts! Also, for the first time EVER, I didn't stall after having to stop at a roundabout!!! I always stalled with her but today I got it right! I'm so chuffed!!!


Oh!!! And I drove in fog!!!!

----------


## Suzi

There is so much positivity in that post! I'm so glad you changed instructors!

----------

Jaquaia (28-02-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

So am I! He lets me lead. He's got me to change my hanď position on the wheel as I was gripping it too tight and it was affecting my steering. I did things wrong and he told me why they were wrong and then asked me how to correct it. He taught me braking in detail today so that feels clearer, and he's asked me if there's anything I want to change or if I feel ready to start doing more. I've actually volunteered to start doing junctions next week!! And no propranolol again!!!!

And my gear changes were so much smoother!!!!

----------

Suzi (28-02-19)

----------


## magie06

WELL DONE YOU!!! That's amazing. You must be so proud of yourself. I hope you've told yourself that a million times.

----------

Jaquaia (28-02-19)

----------


## Suzi

It's fantastic!

----------

Jaquaia (28-02-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't think I'm doing anything amazing, I'm just not letting my anxiety control me

----------


## Suzi

If only it was that easy..... You're doing brilliantly.

----------

Jaquaia (28-02-19)

----------


## Paula

Believe me, thats pretty amazing and not something I manage very often ....

----------

Jaquaia (28-02-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I still have moments of panic, but the way Bob responds to my mistakes makes it so much easier to manage. The only reason I'm learning is because not being able to drive will pretty much strand me in the village.

----------


## Suzi

It doesn't matter why to be honest, it's just flipping awesome that you're doing it!

----------


## Jaquaia

I tackled my mum last night as I asked her if J could stay over on Tuesday and she said that she hopes I wasn't going to be working as it's rude an ignorant and she didn't bring me up like that. As it happens, J had offered to bring some books with him so I could work if I needed to. I told her again that we'd talked about it beforehand it was actually his suggestion but she was adamant that it's rude and ignorant so I pointed out that she was rude and ignorant the way she barged in and immediately started kicking off. She started going on about how her parents always told her off if she was doing something when she had someone round so I pointed out that they were much more traditional and strict and she'd said she never bring us up the way her parents raised her. I pointed out that we have been together almost 8 months now (well, as far as she knows, it's actually a year and a half but shhhh!  :X: ) and we're comfortable enough and perfectly happy to do our own thing while we're spending time together. I also pointed out that it was actually none of her business, that I am 35 years old and my room is the only space I have to call my own and she invaded that space...

----------


## Paula

And how did she respond?

----------


## Jaquaia

The usual "I know" followed by "I don't think you'll be here much longer anyway". I pointed out that I haven't met the children yet and if she knows, then why do I have to keep having the conversation about my room being my only space with her...

----------


## Mira

I can not say anything other then you are right. I love that people now can just talk to eachother on how to spend time together. Instead of having rigid rules to follow.

Even J in a book and you working in the same room is spending time together. If its with the person you love its way better. 

Your mum does sound traditional that way. Mine is the opposite. I am even more traditional then my mum. Well then most people haha but i like to think in a good way. 

From what i read about J he seems super understanding and caring. So at least thats one thing thats great. Just a shame your mum doest respect your space.

----------


## Jaquaia

It's been the same pretty much since I moved back in. We've clashed a few times about her just walking in. She at least knocks now but half the time walks in as soon as she's knocked. 

Just walked across to the shops to collect my prescription and my anxiety is through the roof. I haven't walked across to the shops in over 2 years.

----------


## Paula

But you did it ....

Edit: just read my post and realised that sounded exactly like my dad. Sorry .....  :O:

----------

Jaquaia (01-03-19)

----------


## Suzi

I'm so impressed that you took her to one side and told her how it is! Are you sure you're really Jaq?

----------


## magie06

I've said it once and I'll say it again, YOU ARE AMAZING!! Start telling yourself that please!!

----------

Jaquaia (02-03-19),OldMike (02-03-19),Suzi (02-03-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

> I'm so impressed that you took her to one side and told her how it is! Are you sure you're really Jaq?


Yep! Just me. I'm just finally learning how to be an adult!

Currently dithering over going full time next year alongside my level 2 and 3. Starting my level 1 in May, my level 2 starts in September and my level 2 modules start the beginning of October. My level 3 counselling will be next year. If I go full time, I have 3 modules to do and all the work associated with that, 8 textbooks to get through plus extra reading, an exam to do plus assessments for my counselling courses. It would mean attempting to start my level 4, which involves a counselling placement, alongside the final year of my degree too. I'm wondering if I would be biting off more than I can chew...

----------


## Mira

That does sound like a lot. But i am positive that you are more then capable to do it. No doubt about it.

----------

OldMike (02-03-19)

----------


## OldMike

> I've said it once and I'll say it again, YOU ARE AMAZING!! Start telling yourself that please!!


Exactly right there Magie, Jaq start telling yourself what you've achieved, you've done a shed load of course work and got excellent results, onwards and upwards.

----------

Suzi (02-03-19)

----------


## Suzi

> Yep! Just me. I'm just finally learning how to be an adult!
> 
> Currently dithering over going full time next year alongside my level 2 and 3. Starting my level 1 in May, my level 2 starts in September and my level 2 modules start the beginning of October. My level 3 counselling will be next year. If I go full time, I have 3 modules to do and all the work associated with that, 8 textbooks to get through plus extra reading, an exam to do plus assessments for my counselling courses. It would mean attempting to start my level 4, which involves a counselling placement, alongside the final year of my degree too. I'm wondering if I would be biting off more than I can chew...


Are you going to be able to keep up with everything whilst also dealing with the other things such as the situation with J, the kids, cruella? Caring for your Mum too etc?

----------


## Jaquaia

That's what I'm trying to figure out. When my head is in a good place, I can do the basic workload in 2 days. But if I start struggling, I'm screwed.

----------


## Jaquaia

Never ever thought I would say this but...

I'm actually feeling ok about my assignment! Part 2 and 3 are done, I have lots of stuff scribbled down for my essay. I should be able to get an essay plan drawn up tonight and then I have 2 and a half/3 days to write it up!!! I'm not feeling any panic right now. That might change as I start writing it up but right now I'm feeling ok!

----------


## Mira

Thats great. And well deserved. You did the work and in a great way. It gives me a smile this post  :):

----------


## Paula

Good  :):

----------


## Suzi

Well done love!

----------


## Jaquaia

Starting studying again has made me really good at procrastinating...

----------


## Suzi

Is that a good thing?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not particularly but this question is a nightmare!!! I think 3/4 of the course have found it a huge struggle. I keep taking breaks too. My back is aching from being hunched over the laptop all day but I am halfway through so there has been progress!!!!

----------


## Suzi

Could you get a desk or an over bed table so you aren't hunching over everything?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm generally ok as I'm sprawled out writing by hand or the online activities don't take all that long, it's just assignment time! Though on 600 words so yay!!! And I need to edit my introduction as it's far too long... 

By the time I get round to my final report, I should have sorted SCONUL access and have a key to/be living with J so I can use the library or J's dining table. I couldn't imagine writing my Masters/Doctoral thesis like this.

----------


## Suzi

You'll get there love.

----------


## Jaquaia

I know. I have a very supportive partner and very supportive friends. I just worry about letting you all down, you all have so much faith in me.

J is currently laughing at me because I got excited about double decker chocolate spread *sulks*

----------


## Paula

You never let anyone down. But you do need to stop worrying about what we think, and focus on whats right for you .....

----------


## Suzi

Letting us down? How on earth could you ever let us down? You are lovely, kind, intelligent, smart and a lovely loyal friend - what else can anyone ask for?

----------

Paula (04-03-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I always worry, even if I know it's not logical. 

Just got back from the dentist, it was hilarious!!!! The dental nurse didn't know how to use the computer, or what to do with my xray slides, and I nearly threw up all over the dentist as he kept triggering my gag reflex when he tried putting the xray plates in my mouth!!!

----------


## Paula

What? Thats ridiculous!

----------


## Jaquaia

And then she had to ask another dental nurse to help her with my xray plates who then knocked a filing system over. 

I couldn't help but laugh!!! Bonus is my dentist is dishy  :O:  though wouldn't be going back if I had thrown up on him!!!!

----------


## magie06

That's a really, really nice and funny post. 6 months ago, you would have been so anxious about going, and again you have amazed me by being able to laugh while you were there. Well done.

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

> That's a really, really nice and funny post. 6 months ago, you would have been so anxious about going, and again you have amazed me by being able to laugh while you were there. Well done.


It's funny you said that. I've got a copy of my discharge letter from secondary services and I'd almost forgotten how bad I was then. It mentions me self-harming and having suicidal thoughts. I've come an enormous way since April when I first saw the non-medical prescriber

----------


## Suzi

You're amazing!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm just me. I've also got rid of another worry. I know you guys tell me to take one day at a time but I tend to like to know where I'm heading itms? I've been worrying about affording my level 4 in counselling so I contacted Student Finance and I can take out tuition loans for both FE and HE at the same time! That's a huge weight off my shoulders  :):

----------

Flo (07-03-19),OldMike (04-03-19)

----------


## Suzi

Well done for being proactive!

----------


## Jaquaia

Finished my essay!!!!  :(party): 

It's nearly 400 words over the limit.... oops!!!!

----------

Paula (04-03-19),Suzi (04-03-19)

----------


## Mira

Thats awesome.  :(party): 

I am sorry to ask. But what is the subject? I am curious to what you are learning. Its been a dream of mine to get a degree in history someday.

----------


## Suzi

Congratulations!!!

----------


## Paula

Well done!!

----------


## Jaquaia

Don't congratulate me yet! I have some serious editing to do or I'll be penalised for being over the word count! If I can get it below 1100, I can take advantage of the 10% allowance but as it stands now, just being over will drop me marks.

Mira, I'm doing a BSc in Psychology with Counselling

----------


## Mira

I just googled it. All i can say is wow.

----------


## magie06

A - MAZ - ING. And don't forget it. Is it written all over your room yet?

----------


## Jaquaia

It's actually the 3rd degree I've started. I already have a BA (Hons) in Geography and started a BA in Creative Writing that I had to give up because of finances.


Maybe when I've edited it down magie  :O:

----------


## Mira

That just gets a bigger wow. Such a shame that finances stop dreams in that manner.

But i have so much respect for what you are doing.

----------


## Jaquaia

And relax!!!

All submitted now!!!  :(party): 




> That just gets a bigger wow. Such a shame that finances stop dreams in that manner.
> 
> But i have so much respect for what you are doing.


I just really enjoy studying. I've always been fairly academic and love learning new things.

----------


## Suzi

Well done love!

----------


## Jaquaia

Started studying again this afternoon, don't want to get too far behind again, want to get into good habits as my level 1 starts in May and I want to go full time next year now I know I can get full funding. 

Really didn't want J to go home today, so much so I could have cried. Feel a little pathetic for feeling like that and I know I always get him back but the letting go bit sucks. Plus I sleep better when he's next to me. I fell asleep wrapped in a huge hug, vaguely remember rolling over and snuggling into his back and didn't move again until he had to move me as he needed the loo. I never sleep like that on my own, I toss and turn most of the night and wake up feeling just as tired. I'm tired today but I've been awake since 6 so not really surprising. 

And I'm waffling but I know I've been quiet over the last couple of days and I don't want anyone to worry.

----------


## Suzi

You have been quiet, but I assumed things were going on.... 
Sounds like you're doing brilliantly. 

I think it's a good thing that you miss him when he's gone...

----------


## Jaquaia

We went out for lunch yesterday to our Sicilian place, then just relaxed at mine. He left at dinner today and I've studied this afternoon and listened to the 2nd half of the football... bloody hell!!!!!!

Mood is up and down but I can live with it

----------


## Paula

Your determination and sheer guts is inspirational. Im honoured to be your friend  :):

----------

Jaquaia (07-03-19)

----------


## Suzi

I too think you're doing amazingly.

----------

Flo (07-03-19),Jaquaia (07-03-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

You'll make me cry! I don't think I'm doing anything amazing, I feel like I'm swimming through treacle most of the time. 

No driving lesson today as his car is poorly.

----------


## Flo

Well done on your studies Jaq...clever old thing you! Has J left home yet? Are you any closer to getting a place of your own? Re your counselling.... will you have to go to any weekends away for practical stuff at a later date? Or is the course all home study?

----------


## Jaquaia

The uni work is all home based learning, the practical stuff is courses run locally. Level 1, 2 and 3 are actually run by the place I had my last lot of counselling at. Level 4 is at the East Riding College in Beverley.  I can convert that into a foundation degree in counselling, the only issue is that 2 of the modules that you study to covert it are actually modules towards my degree now! If I want to do my level 5 then the closest place that runs it is in York, which is cool as by that time I should be living with J and York is less than an hour away from where he lives

----------


## Flo

Well that makes sense! It couldn't be better could it if you're both living less than an hour away? It should all turn out really well.

----------


## Jaquaia

I now have a driving lesson! His car is all better and he rang me to let me know I could have 1pm if I wanted

----------

OldMike (07-03-19)

----------


## Paula

Im chuffed at how excited you are to have a driving lesson! What a difference to a few weeks ago  :):

----------

Jaquaia (07-03-19)

----------


## Suzi

It's lovely that you are so excited about driving!

----------

Jaquaia (07-03-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm loving it!!! I made mistakes, which he always talks through with me, dealt with loads of absolute  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ing idiots, overtaking me on blind bends etc, starting from stopped is getting easier, my road positioning is better, roundabouts are better, and overall it was a positive lesson and my instructor agrees! And I was driving in the rain today. And I've not taken propranolol since my first lesson!

----------


## magie06

That sounds brilliant. Well done, especially as it was off and then back on in the one day. That would have put you in a spin not so long ago. Well done again.

----------

Jaquaia (07-03-19)

----------


## OldMike

Looks like your getting there with your driving Jaq, sounds as though your more relaxed which is a good thing.

----------

Jaquaia (07-03-19)

----------


## Paula

:(party):

----------

Jaquaia (07-03-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Give me strength! 

My mum asked me about half 4 what 2 of her meds were and when I looked they were oxycodone. She held her hand out for them and I asked when she took them this morning... 7am. What time did you take them last night? 9pm. Ffs mother!! They are extended release tablets!!! They're designed to be taken 12 hours apart! She knows this as she always used to take them 12 hours apart! Her biggest problem is she doesn't listen to the bloody doctors! She's retaining water and has been getting infected legs because her skin dries and cracks. She skipped her water tablet 4 days out of 7 last week and doesn't use the creams and lotions that the doctor gives her, and then lies about it when asked!!!

----------


## Paula

Is there any chance shes just not remembering?

----------


## Jaquaia

If she's not remembering then she lied when I asked. She said it's because she woke up in pain. I know how horrible I felt when I tore my intercostals so I may not understand, but I can empathise, but she knows. She's taken them for years and made a point of telling me that she used to take them every 12 hours but thought it would be ok. I offered to put them all in an app for her but she said she'd remember but I put the opiods in anyway. This is what I'm always up against with her. She doesn't listen to the doctors as she relies on me to remember it all. She has a TENS machine but rarely uses it and then complains it's not working as well or comes out with a rubbish excuse as to why she hasn't asked me to put it on for her. She was given exercises from the physio for her back, I've never seen her do them once but she claims she does them before we get up. Not buying that one. The OT gave her specially made splints for on a night, she's never used them, she just comes up with excuses. She has a hearing aid, very really wears it. She's started to use it as she scares Scarlett when she shouts, but complains it irritates her ear. I've been reminding her for the last year and a half to ring and make an appointment to get it adjusted but yet more excuses. She complains about gaining weight but eats  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  and is constantly snacking on mints or bread and doesn't move much. She's been told not to drink tea with her meals as it affects the absorption of B12 and iron from her meals but still does at every meal and bull :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: s about it when I remind her. There's probably loads more I've forgotten too. How can I care for her properly when she won't do stuff to help herself? And then I get stressed with her and it starts affecting my own mental health.

----------


## Suzi

Most of what you've written there I could have (and probably have) written about my own mum....

----------


## Jaquaia

I can tell I was getting a little too stressed last night as I started flaring. Ibuprofen before bed seems to have stopped it before it got too bad though.

----------


## Suzi

*sends sympathy* Flaring too right now... 

How are you today lovely? What plans do you have for the weekend?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've just been studying, well... I say just. I've also done all the washing and cooked tea. Brother is down so can't escape, which sucks as my dad has been drinking a lot again... Pain in my wrists has dulled to an ache today, though cooking tea hasn't really helped matters...

Only plan for the weekend is studying. Oh and J is popping after work on Sunday. Sarah is popping up next Friday and wants to meet him properly so we're going across to the Railway Museum to meet him for lunch. Not scared at all!!!!  :X:

----------


## Suzi

That sounds like you've been doing too much again! 

Next weekend sounds like fun!

----------


## Jaquaia

Had no choice really. My mums back and legs have been bad today and I was nearly out of underwear! Had to argue with her to let me do the washing as it was! Apparently washing colours with whites to save doing more than one wash at uni has been held against me.... And dad was more interested in talking to my brother about work than cooking so I took over so we could actually eat before 7! 

I'm nervous but have uni work and a driving lesson before then so one thing at a time.

----------


## Mira

Well try to make time for yourself as well. Doing to much so you might run out of energy is no good. You will need it for the fun good moments.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm reading some more of my chapter until 9, then it's Celebrity Apprentice. It was hilarious last night!!!! And my chapter is absolutely fascinating! It's about brain damage and it's affect on language.

----------


## Suzi

We laughed lots at Celeb Apprentice too! Balloon men!!!

----------


## Jaquaia

Claude retweeted me!!!!! The look on everyone's faces when the balloon men came out had me in stitches!!!! Omid had some balls to do that, thank god we didn't see them!!  :(rofl): 

Ended up taking ibuprofen before bed. Clicked my fingers to get Talia's attention and it really didn't feel right. Hopefully it will help. It would explain why I feel so tired. Always seem to be hit by fatigue when I'm flaring

----------


## Suzi

Yup, flare = more fatigue than normal. It's because it takes more energy to do anything when you're trying to move through treacle.... 

Hope you slept well lovely...

----------


## Jaquaia

Not particularly.  Have changed both beds though and swapped the washing over in the dryer. Settling down to study now. I know you'll say it sounds like I've done a lot but if I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done.

----------


## Suzi

Then maybe you could space it out over a couple of days rather than all on one?

----------


## Jaquaia

I probably should but I'm stubborn and wanted it out of the way. I took a couple of hours break anyway as I told J to come see me for hugs. He's really low today, doesn't have a clue why I see him as a strong person

----------


## Suzi

Sorry he's feeling low.. Hope the hugs have helped both of you. xx

----------


## Jaquaia

He said he felt a lot better when he left. Hopefully his CBT will start soon

----------


## Suzi

Are you resting tonight?

----------


## Jaquaia

Erm... I am now. Just put my work away, wanted to finish this chapter. Computer based learning tomorrow.

----------


## Suzi

Taking some time to pace?

----------


## Jaquaia

I want to catch up. If I can catch up and stay on track it will make my level 1 easier

----------


## Suzi

But pushing yourself too hard may also not be productive.....

----------


## Jaquaia

No, true. Today I can take breaks that don't involve doing the washing!!! And it's a fascinating subject so it's been no hardship.

----------


## Suzi

How's it going? 
Drink break?

----------


## Jaquaia

It's going ok, taking breaks and slowly sipping a drink.

----------


## Suzi

Can you drink a bit more?

----------


## Jaquaia

I can try

----------


## Suzi

How'd it go?

----------


## Jaquaia

Just over a litre. And I've finished a weeks work.

----------


## Flo

Morning Jaq.....what are you up to today?...seeing J? Good for you finishing a weeks work, that takes some doing I'm sure.

----------


## Jaquaia

Studying again Flo. I have last weeks work to start now! And probably obsessively check my email to see if my results are back! J is popping after work tomorrow.

----------


## Suzi

Morning gorgeous!

----------


## Jaquaia

My tutor must have seen what I said!  :(giggle): 

93%!!!!!!!!  :(party):

----------


## Paula

You are AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!

----------

Jaquaia (11-03-19)

----------


## Mira

Wow thats awesome. Congratulations. All that work had a grand finish. So deserved  :(party):

----------

Jaquaia (11-03-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm actually pretty proud of myself! Yes, you read that right, and no, this isn't an imposter! I worked really hard for that and I'm really chuffed!

----------

Suzi (11-03-19)

----------


## magie06

OMG!!! That is amazing!!! Congratulations and well done!  :(party):

----------

Jaquaia (11-03-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Couldn't wait until the next time I put my laptop on to collects my feedback... I've got some wonderful feedback from my tutor! So pleased!!!

----------

Angie (11-03-19),magie06 (11-03-19),Paula (11-03-19),Suzi (11-03-19)

----------


## Suzi

So proud of you! Well done lovely!

----------

Jaquaia (11-03-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Really angry this morning. Just been to the doctors with my mum. She wanted help with the pain but because she's under pain management, he can't really do anything as she can't have anti-inflammatories because of her asthma and that was the only option open to him. She cried because of the pain she's in but apparently now the consultant isn't going to give her the injections because they won't help. So reduced her opiods by two-thirds saying the injections might work and now saying she can't have them. She's just rang pain management on the GPs advice to be told they don't have an acute service and to try the pain management nurses.

----------


## magie06

I don't blame you. That is so frustrating. Where can you channel your anger now? Is there anything proactive that you can do? Get back to the Gp or maybe get onto those pain management nurses?

----------


## Jaquaia

The nurse she spoke to is going to go speak to her consultant and ring her back

----------


## magie06

Any news?

----------


## Suzi

That's disgusting! I hope you've heard something.

----------


## Jaquaia

Nothing. I've made her try her TENS machine as even a little relief is better than nothing.

----------


## Suzi

Magnesium spray is meant to help too - it's on my list of things to try next. I struggle to see how they can leave her with no pain relief. That's terrible!

----------


## Jaquaia

She has pain relief, she's on 40mg longtec twice a day, 20mg shortec 4 times a day and paracetamol, plus 60mg duloxetine twice a day and 30mg ami, I know they both offer pain relief too. She said she could cope at 80mg longtec but what she's on now doesn't even touch it. My mum has been in pain for over a decade and the only time I've seen her cry was when she had a massive flare up with her RA before it was diagnosed.

----------


## Paula

But she doesnt have effective pain relief, thats a huge difference. Have you heard anything?

----------


## Jaquaia

What worries me is she's still taking 3 times the British Pain Society's recommended  morphine equivalent dose. Surely they can't try and reduce the shortec with the pain she is in. 

Nothing yet, and she's got her TENS machine turned up to nearly full power...

----------


## Paula

Maybe theyll need to rethink the meds. She needs to see the consultant (but I dont need to tell you that) and have a frank chat about options .....

----------


## Jaquaia

She's supposed to be seeing him next month so I'll make sure I'll go with her.

J has just left. He has strict orders to go home, take some paracetamol and go to bed and has been packed off with silver cream, tissues and strepsils. He's done nothing but apologise for coughing and being snotty, he's worried about giving me his cold and has apologised for that, and his counselling starts in 2 weeks and he's apologised about it being on a Tuesday... it makes me so sad that he feels the need to apologise but I know with a lot of love and reassurance he will slowly learn that it's not needed with me.

----------


## Suzi

I definitely think that she needs to be seen by a consultant. It's ridiculous. 

Hope J feels better really soon and he hasn't passed it on to you!

----------


## Jaquaia

I told him that him staying away wouldn't stop me catching a cold so he might as well come and get hugs. I've had sinus issues for ages anyway. 

Will see if the pain management nurse calls her back tomorrow. If not she'll have to ring again. I need to ring the rheumatology OT tomorrow too, I was referred in August and still haven't been given an appointment. In fact, when my doctor chased it up, they told her that if I hadn't heard from them in 2 weeks then I should contact them, that was 8 weeks ago....

----------


## magie06

It's so impossible to be seen by anyone, when you need them. It's the same here. My sister-in-law is having terrible trouble at the moment. She was sent into the the public system and saw a consultant once while she was in hospital for 5 days. She now has been sent private and within 6 hours of starting a new medication, her shakes have stopped, her eye has opened and she's able to get around again. The public consultant will see her again in July. No care given at all.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not seeing my rheumatologist for another 6 months, and I don't think that's too bad for me. The medication I am on manages my arthritis pretty well, I have the odd flare up but I can usually manage that with anti-inflammatories. Now my mum isn't back for 8 months either, her condition isn't under control... how can they make her wait that long? 

I did ring the RA OT this morning but the OT isn't in today. The receptionist seemed really confused as to why I haven't had an appointment as she could clearly see my referral letter. It's only been 6 months since the specialist referred me....

----------


## Flo

Did you ask if you can get on the cancellation list?....sadly you sometimes have to push and push a bit more!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not in a big rush so can wait, there may be people like my mum who need their help much more then me (though actually use the help they provide!!!). At least they've been reminded that I'm still waiting.

----------


## Suzi

Has your Mum heard anything yet?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not that I know of and apparently they never actually said they would ring her back...

----------


## Suzi

Really? FFS!

----------


## Jaquaia

Tom is cancer free!!!! 22 months ago he was given a life expectancy of 6 months, stage 4 stomach cancer which had metastasized; now they're stopping treatment as his scans show no sign of cancer!!!!! That is THE BEST news to start the day!!!!

----------


## Paula

Thats absolutely incredible! Wonderful!

----------

Jaquaia (14-03-19)

----------


## Suzi

Wow that's incredible! Hooray!

----------

Jaquaia (14-03-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Almost had a heart attack this morning!!! I was coming off a roundabout and just starting to build my speed up when a woman started to pull out of a side street ahead of me, my instructor had to break! My heart is only just settling down to normal!

----------


## Paula

My dad always told me that Id have hundreds of near misses in my driving life. But that they are misses and nothing happened. It shakes me up every time but I just try to take what he said to heart.

----------

Jaquaia (14-03-19)

----------


## Mira

Thats so true. I have had a few times where that happened. Where my heart was in my throat. With kids running into the streets and all.

But i try to think of those times i was shaken as a positive. Nothing happened. It all went ok. It might be a simple thought but a near miss is the same as missing by a mile. Nothing was hit. 

Your doing a good job. And you are going to become a good driver.

----------

Jaquaia (14-03-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Her husband pointed out what she'd done and they both apologised but it did make my heart race. That being said though, I was doing junctions by the end of the lesson and driving on side streets and have done a lot of work on breaking and changing down  :):

----------


## magie06

You are doing so, so well. You have come such a long way in such a short time. You must be telling yourself that you are proud by now???

----------


## Jaquaia

Not really but I can see what J means now when he said enjoying my lessons will make it so much easier for me. Bob, my instructor, is brilliant. If I do something wrong he will talk me through things and get me to tell him why what I did was wrong. I told him I was struggling with knowing when to change down so he did work on braking with me when there was no traffic behind me and got me driving without gas in each gear so I could see how fast the car went on its own. It's made it clearer for me. Even when I do make mistakes, I can still see the positives and that is huge for me

----------

Paula (14-03-19)

----------


## Suzi

Sounds to me like you handled it brilliantly! I'm so incredibly proud of you!

----------

Jaquaia (14-03-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

It did rattle me and it took me a while to settle down again but I think I did ok. It was really bright too so my eyes are hurting a bit. Don't tell J he was right about taking my sunglasses....

----------


## OldMike

I agree with Suzi you did very well with your driving.

----------

Jaquaia (14-03-19)

----------


## Suzi

> It did rattle me and it took me a while to settle down again but I think I did ok. It was really bright too so my eyes are hurting a bit. Don't tell J he was right about taking my sunglasses....


If you didn't get a bit shocked then you'd be a terrible driver! The fact you were rattled showed you cared and you were concentrating!

----------


## Jaquaia

I hadn't thought of it like that. 

My right knee and ankle are throbbing today. Didn't help that when I pulled my folder to me to put some work in, I whacked it into my knee, metal edge first...

----------


## Suzi

OOO ouch! Can you rest it? Tiger Balm?

----------


## Paula

Ouch .....

----------


## Jaquaia

I need to buy more tiger balm! Love that stuff!!! Debating having a break from studying tonight or carrying on. The next audio is on lobotomies!!!!

----------


## Jaquaia

Tiger balm is definitely on the list I think! My shoulder is throbbing! Trying to decide whether I should get the red or the white...

----------


## Suzi

I always get both!

----------


## Jaquaia

Ordered both, £6 off amazon for one of each! My wrists have joined in on the throbbing action now  :(:  headache has eased a lot though. I took some ibuprofen and decided to leave lobotomies until saturday!!!

----------


## Paula

> Ordered both, £6 off amazon for one of each! My wrists have joined in on the throbbing action now  headache has eased a lot though. I took some ibuprofen and decided to leave lobotomies until saturday!!!


*snickers*

----------


## Suzi

*rofl*
How are you today lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

Well that's what happens when I post while tired!  :(giggle): 

Everything seems to have stopped aching but then I haven't got up yet!

----------


## Suzi

Hooray for stopping aching!

----------


## Jaquaia

Not gone out with Sarah tonight, flaring again so left her with the company of her friend!

----------


## Suzi

Did you have fun with her during the day?

----------


## Paula

> Not gone out with Sarah tonight, flaring again so left her with the company of her friend!


Sensible. Well done for saying youre not up to it

----------


## Suzi

Morning hunni, how are you?

----------


## Jaquaia

Achey, I was dozing off and on a lot of last night which makes me think it's still a RA flare and not bursitis like I originally thought yesterday. 

Yesterday was good! And I got to spend some time with J too so bonus! 

I can be sensible occasionally Paula  :O:

----------


## Suzi

Glad you had a good day lovely!

Hope you're pacing today?

----------


## Jaquaia

Poor J was terrified that Sarah would hate him so had to ask her what she thought! Bless him. 

I'm doing some work but not pushing myself to get loads done. I've heard back from the OT. She's been on her own, not even had admin staff, but I should be among the first lot she sees as my referral was July. It might help if I can find a decent chunky pen..

----------


## Suzi

Hoorah! 

I've always found fountain pens much easier than biro/rollerball to write with. I still use them now for as much as possible! They also come chunkier too!

----------


## Jaquaia

Funnily enough, J has been saying about fountain pens. He finds them easier to use with his dyslexia as he has slight coordination issues. I will have to get one and try it. I used to love writing with fountain pens.

----------


## Mira

I am a huge fan of fountain pens. One I use almost daily is the Lamy Safari. Its not expensive and great quality. I find it a treat to write with a fountain pen. Even while being a lefty.

----------


## Suzi

Omg that's so strange! I bought Ben one and then he bought me one as a surprise! Beautiful pens!!!

----------


## Paula

I have the most awful handwriting and am so grateful I was born in an age where most of my writing can be digital!

----------


## Jaquaia

Just realised it's the 20th on Wednesday which means I can choose my new modules. Still undecided about going full time but next year all the counselling and mental health stuff comes in which I find much more interesting! 

Sometimes I wish someone would tell me what to do... adulting is hard!!!

----------


## Suzi

Talk through all your ideas with J, or us and see the decision that comes out...

----------


## Jaquaia

I would like to do full time as it means I can graduate in another 2 years rather than 4. In theory it will be about 40 hours worth of work a week, which I know I can do. I've managed 3 weeks worth of work in a week when I've needed to catch up quite easily, so I know I can do it. And I've already checked, the vast majority of work on my counselling courses are done in group and they've already said that they would be willing to give me an extension if the assessment deadline clashes with my uni deadlines. I'm just worrying, what if I'm not good enough? What if I can't cope with the workload? What if I get ill again? Catching up on one module was hard work, catching up on 3 modules will be horrendous!!! And then it will mean starting the final year of my degree alongside the first year of my level 4. Can I cope with that? Or do I do next year full time while I do my level 2 and 3 and go back to part time when I start my level 4? 

And yes, I know I'm overthinking this massively...

----------


## Paula

You are more than good enough, and motivated enough. You will cope with the workload. However, if you get ill again and youre temporarily not up to continuing, then you defer some until youre up to doing more - the world wont fall apart because you have to renegotiate some modules and you wont be the first student whos had to pause their studies ......

Oh, and for the record, I left home at 19 so you could say Ive had to adult for 26 years and I still find it tough  :O:

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Jaquaia (17-03-19)

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## Suzi

I'm completely in agreeance with Paula. You are more than good enough!

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Jaquaia (18-03-19)

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## Paula

> I'm completely in agreeance with Paula. You are more than good enough!


Lol,are you trying not to say Paulas right, again?? (giggles)

----------


## Jaquaia

Have been shopping with my parents and then my dad treated me to lunch. It was nice! Feel stuffed though, never normally eat so much during the day! Dessert has had to come home with me! 

It might sound silly but I grabbed some toiletries for J to keep at mine and it feels like quite a big step! It gives things a sense of permanence itms? Which sounds ridiculous as I have always been able to imagine myself with him in 20/30 years time, but this is something tangible. It's ridiculous attaching so much meaning to him having his own toiletries at my house but I can be incredibly sentimental!

----------


## Suzi

It doesn't sound silly at all about the toiletries! 
OO What did you have for lunch? Nice that you got out and had that time together as a positive!

----------


## Jaquaia

I had carvery gammon with chips, eggs and onion chutney. Have brought a chocolate praline tart home!!!

----------


## Suzi

Wow! Awesome!  :):  Sounds like a lovely lunch!

----------


## Jaquaia

It really was and I didn't get irritated having spent the whole morning with my parents. It's the first time I haven't been irritable in a while.

----------


## Suzi

That's awesome! 
Do you know what has changed to make it so much better?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know. Getting out of the house probably helped. Tired now, my mood always seems to drop when I'm tired. Being peoplely is exhausting

----------


## Paula

Its absolutely not ridiculous to have something of Js at yours. Like you say, its tangible evidence that hes in your life, properly  :):

----------


## Suzi

I agree people are exhausting!

----------


## Jaquaia

Took J for lunch today and then made him rest. He couldn't really do anything else when I was snuggled into him with his arm trapped under me! He's absolutely exhausted but struggles with resting as he's been told that makes him lazy so often! He starts counselling next Tuesday and is staying over so I've suggested going for a proper lunch so we can just grab a sandwich for tea in case he doesn't feel like socialising. That way we won't have to sit with my parents if he can't cope with socialising. Hopefully that will start to make a difference but every part of me wants to make things better for him and I can't and I hate that.

----------


## Paula

Hunni, you already are making things better for him by being a part of his life

----------

Jaquaia (20-03-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't agree but then you probably could have guessed I wouldn't!!!

I get to choose my modules from tomorrow too and still overthinking that. Sometimes it would be nice if my head was quiet.

----------


## Suzi

Paula is so right. You are making his life so much better.

----------

Jaquaia (20-03-19)

----------


## Flo

I think you're really good for him! You're kindness and unselfishness is fantastic. He's never been used to it in the past has he? He's a lucky guy to have you.

----------

Jaquaia (20-03-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

He hasn't. He is one of the sweetest, kindest men I have ever met. He's surprised that I'm not bothered by him having lunch with his best friend today. Her having boobs doesn't threaten me as I trust him and I know how much he loves me, I'm very secure in his love so I have no need to feel threatened. I suggested he take her for pizza and he said that wouldn't feel right as that's our thing  :(inlove):  I thought that was really sweet! He even got a glowing report back from Sarah!! Yet doesn't understand how anyone could like him as he's been told so often that he's the problem.

----------


## Suzi

> I trust him and I know how much he loves me, I'm very secure in his love so I have no need to feel threatened.


I needed to highlight this. This is amazing. I never thought I'd hear you saying that you were secure that someone loved you...

----------

Jaquaia (20-03-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I still have moments where I get incredibly insecure and worry that he'll get fed up of me and leave me, but I never doubt how much he loves me. He tells me multiple times, every single day and shows me with his gestures. Even Sarah commented that it's blatantly obvious how into each other we are.

----------


## Jaquaia

So I've bitten the bullet and applied for full-time study next year...

----------


## Paula

Woohoo! Well done hunni, Im so proud of you!

----------

Jaquaia (20-03-19)

----------


## Flo

Ian's best friend is a woman. That's who he stayed with in London for a weekend a couple of weeks ago. She's stayed with us too and I have no problems with it at all. It's useful because he gets feedback from a woman's perspective which helps a lot! Especially if they talk about moi!! In the nicest possible way of course! :(mm):  Good for you going full time.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm still scared that I'm not good enough, I mean I struggled with full time study the first time round, but I have to keep reminding myself that I was ill and untreated. Things are different now.

Oh he's obviously had an affair with her Flo as a man and a woman can't possibly be just friends!!!! Sometimes I wish I could do Cruella serious damage for what she's put J through...

----------


## Paula

She may not know it yet but, by making him happy, you are doing Cruella damage as serious as it possibly could be - shes going to be gutted, and youre doing it in such a nice way  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

It will really annoy her when she finds out his parents love me  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

FTR I still don't know why Marc stays with me.... I've never understood or believed it for as long as we've been together (almost 20 years)

----------

magie06 (20-03-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Woohoo!!!! Actually starting this weeks work this week!!!! Ok so the week changes on a saturday but 2 days of doing this weeks work this week is brilliant considering how far behind I was!!!! Though can see me falling behind again as this weeks chapter is on inferential statistics, specifically chi squared... help!!!

Had a good driving lesson this morning! Actually feeling positive about it

----------


## Suzi

How was the driving lesson?

----------


## Jaquaia

It was really good! I made a few mistakes but he always goes through them with me, what I did wrong and how to rectify it etc. My road positioning was better, roundabouts were better, junctions were better than last week. I did a perfect angled start, and a really good normal start, my gear changes are smoother on the whole. I'm remembering to release the clutch before I add gas, my clutch control is pretty good and I'm starting to think more about changing down. So really well I think!

----------


## Paula

Brilliantly well!

----------


## Suzi

That's all so much different than with the last one.

----------


## Jaquaia

I feel much more comfortable with Bob. We natter about random rubbish on the way to where I have my lesson and on the way back, he has me in stitches! I get on really well with him which really helps as I'm comfortable with him as a person too. It just felt really awkward with her.

----------


## Suzi

I'm so pleased you changed and you're getting a love for driving.

----------


## Mira

As with any kind of learning the teacher is so important. And when in a car learning how to drive you need to be at ease.

When i was learning i stood at a crossroad for ages and my instructor started snoring. He thought that was funny. I felt horrible. 

So its great you changed.

----------


## Jaquaia

I stalled at junctions and she would start getting annoyed and telling me I had to be quicker. I came back from lessons with my first instructor in a bit of a mess and was often sneaking glances at the clock to see how much was left of my hour lesson. I do 2 hour lessons with Bob and lose track of time!

----------


## Mira

Thats the best. I think you found your instructor. I think thats the best way to learn. And it brings fun into it as well.

----------


## Jaquaia

J's best friend recommended him, he passed with him a few years ago.

----------


## Mira

Then he gave a great recomendation. I am happy for you. Driving is an awesome skill and good to learn.

----------


## Jaquaia

I started as a necessity. J lives in a small village in the country with poor public transport links and being unable to drive would mean I would be pretty much stranded

----------


## Suzi

I'm so pleased for you!

----------


## OldMike

> I stalled at junctions and she would start getting annoyed and telling me I had to be quicker. I came back from lessons with my first instructor in a bit of a mess and was often sneaking glances at the clock to see how much was left of my hour lesson. I do 2 hour lessons with Bob and lose track of time!


I know when you got back from your first lessons it seemed like it had been a bit of an ordeal, now with this new instructor you seem to relish your lessons which is brilliant (eeps sounding like Arthur from Cabin Pressure there  :(giggle):  in joke only Cabin Pressure listeners will get  :O:  )

----------

Jaquaia (23-03-19)

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## Jaquaia

My mum commented on the difference in me after my first lesson with Bob, it's definitely made a difference. I have the odd moment where my anxiety affects everything but on the whole it's more manageable. I am wondering if it might be worth starting on the propranolol again...

Finally got my OT appointment through! June... only taken 11 months from referral to actually seeing someone... 

Still not feeling right today, my anxiety is a little high and I don't know why

----------


## Suzi

Why did you stop the propranolol?

----------


## Jaquaia

Because the pregabalin was managing things and the non-medical prescriber said that if I felt the pregabalin was managing things, he was happy for me to use the propranolol as and when I needed it

----------


## Suzi

Fair enough.  If you need it, take it love.

----------


## Paula

If anxiety is up today, have you taken a propranolol?

----------


## Jaquaia

I haven't. And having to be sociable as my sister is down. It's manageable today, just feel a bit odd.

----------


## Suzi

Hope you've been able to escape a bit..

----------


## Jaquaia

I escaped after tea

----------


## Jaquaia

I may have figured out why I'm not feeling right... I've missed a pregabalin dose but I can't figure out how...

----------


## Suzi

Ahh, that'll do it. It's great stuff until you're late for a dose....

----------


## Paula

Oh, yeh, no wonder youre rough. Itll take a day or so to recover so please just take it easy

----------


## Jaquaia

I really can't figure out why I missed it. I specifically went into the kitchen to take it.

----------


## Suzi

Got side tracked? 

How are you today?

----------


## Jaquaia

A bit restless. Already sorted the washing out and put a wash on

----------


## Paula

Anxiety, nervousness, restlessness are all symptoms of Pregabalin withdrawal. Take it easy today  :(bear):

----------

Suzi (24-03-19)

----------


## Suzi

Completely agree! Take it easy and be kind to you today.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm only doing the washing today. Plus it works to make me take a break from studying. If I don't do it, it won't get done.

----------


## Suzi

Are you resting inbetween?

----------


## Jaquaia

I am. I went up to do some work between washes and ended up dozing off. Last wash is in now, have a few clothes to bring in off the line, some in the dryer and I've put away what my dad has ironed. Going to do the bedding tomorrow and give the bathroom a quick going over then I'm doing very little on Tuesday and just studying the rest of the week!

----------


## Suzi

Well done. I'm really glad that you have been resting. You've obviously been needing the sleep...

----------


## Jaquaia

I generally get about 6 and a half to 7 hours a night, but not often right through as Talia has started jumping up on to my bed and I wake up because I can't move.

Have decided to rest tonight. Changed my parents bed as I couldn't focus on studying so think letting myself watch tv might be better

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like a plan...

----------


## Paula

How many days a week do you study?

----------


## Jaquaia

I try and do a little bit everyday but don't always manage it.

----------


## Suzi

Do you think that you might need to change it a bit so you get at least a day off completely?

----------


## Flo

Morning Jaq.....how's things? So you are on full time study now? Have you written out a timetable for study that suits you? You need 'you and J time' so you maybe can work around that. Have a good day.

----------


## Jaquaia

Not yet Flo but I will be in October. 

I only really do a couple of hours a day Suzi, and an awful lot of procrastinating

----------


## Paula

> Do you think that you might need to change it a bit so you get at least a day off completely?


I completely agree - if you were working/physically at a university you wouldnt be working 7 days a week ....

----------


## Jaquaia

I spread it out more so I have a few hours to myself during the day and I do often have days where I end up doing nothing and nothing is going in. I'm just very conscious that I'm still behind and very conscious that doing the bare minimum the first time around meant I only just scraped a 2:2. I can do better then that

----------


## Suzi

You just need to make sure you're not pushing yourself too hard so hit burn out....

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm trying to pace. I'm just having to do a lot of the housework too at the moment. My mum physically can't even do the washing because of the pain she's in and my dad is in a lot of discomfort with his stomach so it falls to me.

----------


## Suzi

No news regarding appointments/help for either of them then?

----------


## Jaquaia

My dad is supposed to go back next month, he's just waiting on an appointment. My mum is back the end of next month.

I mean in the last 3 days I've hoovered right through, I'm on the 8th load of washing, changed both beds, showered the dog, cleaned the bathroom and have just got to wash the dogs bedding!

----------


## Suzi

Jaq, that's an awful lot...

----------


## Jaquaia

It needs doing. I left the washing until I was on the verge of either wearing thongs or going commando as it was such a battle to get my mum to actually let me do it last time!!! It was a battle this time too, as apparently me banging all my clothes in the washer together because I couldn't be arsed to do more than 2 washes whilst at uni 15 years ago is enough to still ban me from doing the washing!!! I'm ok. Just tired and pushing through. Once I settle down to study it's easier.

----------


## Suzi

Just pace hunni x

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm trying. I've just made my bed and am now sitting down for a bit

----------


## Suzi

Good!

----------


## Jaquaia

I say sat down... I've just meal planned for the week and done the shopping...

----------


## Mira

Then are you going to take it easy for a moment now? Maybe have something to drink?

----------


## Jaquaia

Suzi's influence is everywhere!!!!  :(giggle): 

I've just finished a drink but have already got another one so being good! Listening to Desert Island Discs with Matt Smith and researching postgraduate degrees. Already decided on my Masters degree but really like the look of this if it's still running in a few years... https://www.lancaster.ac.uk/study/po...courses-mobile

I know I'm being a nerd but I can live with that!!!!

----------


## Jaquaia

Done a bit of adulting and got all the stuff ready to go so the debt agency can take back my account from their solicitors, have included a copy of my discharge letter and included a note that the meds have only made things stable and not fixed things! Studying after tea!!!

----------


## Paula

Well done hunni  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Even drank nearly a litre and a half but sat wondering what else I can do...

----------


## Mira

Thats real good, thats what they recommend here in the Netherlands. What would you like to do?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know, just feel like I have a fair bit of energy going spare

----------


## Mira

Well now would be a great time for doing something for yourself.

----------


## Paula

> Even drank nearly a litre and a half but sat wondering what else I can do...


Drink some more?  :P:

----------


## Jaquaia

I am. Restless though. Just put the covers back on Talia's bed and her towel and blanket are still in the dryer so need to go sort them soon.

----------


## Suzi

Did you find something to do or to spend time on you?

----------


## Jaquaia

Studying inferential statistics!!! And taking next weeks chapter with me tomorrow to read in the car while J has his counselling session.

----------


## Suzi

Hope the session goes well for J tomorrow..

----------


## Jaquaia

Me too. He's worried about how he'll be afterwards. I've ended up reassuring him a lot this week that if he's quiet afterwards then it doesn't matter, if he needs a nap, it doesn't matter, we will do whatever he needs to do and there is absolutely no pressure. It's taking him a lot to get used to being treated decently

----------


## Paula

Fingers crossed its the start of healing for him

----------


## Suzi

Hope it goes well today. x

----------


## Jaquaia

They're starting with CBT apparently as they think it will help more to stabilise his moods. I personally think he needs a medication review too but he's reluctant as it causes issues at work.

----------


## Paula

What issues? Do work need to know?

----------


## Suzi

I was going to ask the same as Paula - why does it cause issues at work?

----------


## Jaquaia

Yes. Because of his position, any medication has to be run past a company pharmacist. Same with any dose change as it could affect his work. When he first started them, he ended up doing office duties for 8 months, though admittedly, the length of time was due to a failing on his then-managers part. When he went back into the box, he had to be supervised for a few weeks. He is honest with work, they're giving him Tuesdays off when he has therapy as their policy is staff don't work after a session, just medication makes it slightly more complicated.

----------


## Suzi

That's brilliant that they are being so supportive and that he isn't expected to go back to work after a session - about time employers realised how much counselling takes out of you.

----------

Jaquaia (26-03-19)

----------


## Paula

Its great theyre giving him support

----------

Jaquaia (26-03-19)

----------


## Paula

How did J get on? Is he being kind to himself?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm making him be kind to himself. We're just snuggling watching Shakespeare and Hathaway, and I'm not smug in the slightest that his counsellor told him pretty much everything I have  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Lol, I had that with one of Marc's CPNs.. Love Shakespeare and Hathaway! I can't wait for more!

----------


## Jaquaia

Apparently I misunderstood. It's not company policy that they don't work after a session, he just had an absolutely awesome manager. He emailed his new manager yesterday about needing his shift covered and got "why do you need it covered when you don't start while 7pm?" Hoping it's just because he's naive and has no experience of mental illness as he'll come unstuck if J gets the union involved as they'll just threaten to have him signed off on sick until after his sessions are finished...

----------


## Jaquaia

So I may be struggling a bit today...

----------


## Paula

With something in particular or just general MH crap?  :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

My head doesn't seem to want to function today. I'm irritable, anxious to the extent I've taken a propranolol, my jaw is aching as I was clenching it so hard while sat downstairs for tea, I couldn't cope with my parents talking to me, I'm overthinking everything, I feel overly needy and I don't like it

----------


## Mira

Those are days we all have at times. And better days are sure to follow. You have been busy lately. Please take care of the most important person. You.....

 :Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (27-03-19)

----------


## Suzi

Hope that you've been resting lovely....

----------


## Jaquaia

I studied until about 9 and then watched an episode of Shakespeare and Hathaway. Tomorrow is more studying.

----------


## Suzi

Building in some pacing too I hope  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

Definitely going to try!

----------


## Paula

The master says it best......

----------


## Jaquaia

That may be me told!!!!  :(giggle): 

Still feeling really flat, tearful and fed up. I know I'm better than I was but when my mood drops like this I start worrying that I'm going to end up like I was before...

Anyway, saw this on fb; https://www.thepoke.co.uk/2019/03/27...al-eye-opener/

I though how I saw things was completely normal!!!

----------


## Paula

Me too until a couple of years ago my optician said something and I gaped at her!

You are not going to end up like before, you know why? Cos the nagging we do to make sure you take care of you is now backed up by J nagging. Weve got you, hunni

----------


## Jaquaia

I know and I don't think I would have gotten this far without your support and encouragement. And I do know that recovery isn't a straight line. I just get fed up of being in my head some days. The pregabalin is great but there always seems to be low-level anxiety there in the background and I've noticed that for the past 4/5 months, my mood has dropped when it's been TOTM. I've never picked up on it before because I've never been anwhere near approaching stable...

----------


## Suzi

I was going to ask if it could be totm time as your mood seems to drop hugely about that time... 
Mention it to your Dr lovely. Stupid question and one you don't have to answer but you and J are being careful aren't you?

----------


## Jaquaia

It's not necessary. Even if the doctor hadn't told me that I'd need a lot of help to become pregnant, he's had a vasectomy.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (28-03-19)

----------


## Suzi

Fair enough, I thought I'd check...  :Panda:  :(bear): 

How are you doing today lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm plodding. I'm tense, didn't sleep well, restless, and fully embracing schadenfreude today!!!!

----------


## Suzi

Sorry it's not a better day love.

----------


## Jaquaia

Kind of used to it now. It will pass in a few days. In the meantime I have inferential statistics to distract me

----------


## Jaquaia

Stomach isn't great, dad sounds like he's been drinking all afternoon, I can feel my anxiety rising and I really hate being here at times!!!

----------


## Mira

:Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (28-03-19)

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------

Jaquaia (28-03-19)

----------


## Suzi

Hope you've managed to pace and stay away from the drinking....

----------


## Jaquaia

I come upstairs, did some studying and watched an episode of Shakespeare and Hathaway. Mood really hasn't been great tonight

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  I'm glad you got away and had some escapism, but I wish your mood was brighter.

----------


## Mira

:Panda:  But you did some studying and watched an episode of your show. Thats 2 good things. So you did great. Eventhough your mood was not good. You did things for you. Well done.

----------


## Jaquaia

Been to pick up my prescription and feel exhausted now.

----------


## Mira

I think its time to have a few you moments. Taking care of yourself. Doing something you enjoy. If that is resting or something else that does not matter. But lets put Jaq first.

----------

Paula (29-03-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm actually studying and listening to Radio 4. My brother is here for tea so have to be sociable this evening, and J is popping after work to see me so hugs at least.

----------


## Mira

Those hugs will make a world of difference. Enjoy yourself. You deserve it.

----------


## Suzi

Hope you've managed some rest and enjoy those hugs...

----------


## Jaquaia

Erm... had lunch but pretty much studied since...

----------


## Suzi

Drinking?

----------


## Jaquaia

Erm... I'll go get one very soon

----------


## Suzi

Now?  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

Have gone and got a drink. Already struggling to cope being around the parents and have to be sociable as my brother is here tonight...

----------


## Suzi

Could you not make some excuse and leave them to it?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not really as then I get my mum bugging me. So I've brought Pride and Prejudice downstairs to read as I can switch off then. And J will be here just before 8 so I'll have him to hold my hand

----------


## Paula

Drinking?

----------


## Jaquaia

I have got another drink. Taken a propranolol too, took the precaution of ordering more as I'm needing them more recently

----------


## Paula

Youve had a lot on soits not a surprise. Youre doing brilliantly  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I really don't feel like I am. I've spent the evening feeling really anxious and wanting to be anywhere but here. I felt like a weight had been lifted when J arrived but then spent a lot of the time he was here either pretending to be ok, fighting tears or in tears. I'm not dealing well with him doing potential family stuff. It is really hitting me this year that I will only ever get to mark Mother's Day as a daughter and never as a mum and as ridiculous as it sounds, it feels like grieving. I'm tired of fighting today. It's absolutely exhausting and I don't want to have to keep doing it.

----------


## Paula

It doesnt sound ridiculous at all, youve been give a life changing diagnosis and my heart would be broken too. However....... I was going to say that its not the same as you will be (are, actually, but just waiting to meet them and for them to fall in love with you) a stepmum. But actually, Im not saying that as I know that Katie views Si as her dad in everything but name - he raised her, he held her hair when she was sick, he stayed up all night covering her in calamine lotion when she had horrendous chicken pox, he was there when she failed her driving test, he lent her £500 deposit to get her first car. Even her father knows that, remember the comments he made at her party? You may not give birth, but you will be a parent to those kids. I know that because you will offer them the love, empathy and support that is lacking elsewhere. You already consider their feelings in everything you do. You will take them into your heart just as surely as if youd been in that delivery room. Being a mum isnt about labour, its about everything that happens after. And you are made for that

----------

Flo (31-03-19),Jaquaia (30-03-19),Suzi (30-03-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

That made me cry, though that's not really difficult tonight...

----------


## Paula

:Panda:  I didnt mean to make you cry

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm absolutely terrified that they will hate me for breaking up their family, I'm terrified that he'll decide that having his children all the time is worth ending things with me. I'm scared that I will be absolutely rubbish at it... and I do know I'm overthinking it but it's always at the back of my mind. And I feel like an absolute failure as a woman, I can't even manage what nature intended...

----------


## Paula

Nature intended for mothers to love their children. And thats it. Nothing else is important compared to that

As for whether theyll blame you? I very much doubt that. kids arent stupid and theyll know that things were wrong for a long time - and not because of you.  Theyll also see how happy you make their dad, and theyll love you for that.

----------


## Mira

I agree with Paula. 

I dont know my father at all. Never met him. I did have a stepdad early on. From when i was about one. And he was a horrible man. And for that i will remember him.

What i am trying to say is that all I ever wanted was my mum to be happy. If thats her on her own or with a nice man does not matter. 

The one thing I wish I could have growing up was a loving caring family around me. No matter if it were step fathers, mothers or any combo. 

I am sure thats true for a lot of children. And you Jaquaia tick off those boxes. I am 100% sure you have the loving caring supporting side in you. You show that all the time.  :Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (30-03-19),magie06 (30-03-19),Paula (30-03-19)

----------


## Suzi

I'm in tears. This is so full of grief - it really is. You are allowed to grieve because you ARE grieving the loss of the babies you thought you might have. It's also so full of love - for each other and the love that Paula has explained with Si and Katie and that you ARE a mother too. It's also full of love and respect for J's two little people who so desperately NEED you in their lives - no one else, but you and J. You will teach them love, tolerance, love for each other, love and respect for other people and to show them exactly how they should have been loved all their little lives. Jaq, honestly I can't think of anyone more perfect to take on children who have been f*cked around with by someone as bad as cruella. Jaq, you are putting J back together bit by bit, touch by touch, word by word and kiss by kiss. You will do the same for the little people. You may not have given birth to them, but you are the mother they need..... 

Oh and I totally understand what you mean about not being able to do what nature meant you for - I've felt like that since I was 16 and told I'd never have children, then when I had my first miscarriage I was told I'd be able to get pregnant, but not hold on to it. Then my second miscarriage... Then miraculously I had Ben and he stuck in place but I couldn't deliver him - so all 3 of mine were c sections, all under general anaesthetic as I couldn't have an epidural due to my spine being wrong and then I couldn't breastfeed... And then I had pnd with each of them. I know our circumstances are different, but I wanted you to know that I do understand at least a little of what you are feeling. My niece and her husband haven't been able to conceive, neither have my cousin and his wife. My best friends daughter has had IVF to help them... You aren't alone - and yes I also know that doesn't make it any easier...

----------

Allalone (30-03-19),Jaquaia (30-03-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I didn't mean to make anyone else cry. Your reply has set me off again! 

I always assumed that it would happen one day. Making the decision that I would rather be happy and loved, relatively pain-free and mentally stable, with J, than being miserable, in pain and suicidal, while chasing a dream that may never happen... I could live with that. I made the choice to put my health and happiness first. I was sad about it, I've always wanted children, but it was my choice, and even knowing that PCOS would make things difficult, it was still my choice. But since hearing the doctor say I would never get pregnant without a lot of help, knowing that I would never get that help because I'm overweight, it suddenly becomes not my choice anymore itms? Something inside me broke when I heard the doctor say that and something I already found difficult has been made so much harder.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry, didn't mean to make you cry. 
That's the position my niece is in - she was told that they "could try" ivf, but "at your current weight we'd be throwing money away. If you want to try then you need to lose half of your body weight"...

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm just a little more teary than normal at the moment.

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  :(bear):  Hope the rest of the day has been ok lovely...

----------


## Jaquaia

It's been very wobbly. My head has been most stable when I' working so still studying now. J has raised the idea of me maybe going back to counselling as he could tell how much I'm still struggling. I don't know if I want to do that really, what can they do to help? Talking isn't going to make this ok...




> children who have been f*cked around with by someone as bad as cruella.


Oh... in the last week or so, A has told J that "mummy is always cross and always shouting" and that "she tells T all the time that she's sick of him". On Thursday, Cruella texted J to tell him that A was " :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ing vile" as she was misbehaving while at the doctors and hhen rang him. J managed to calm A down but Thomas has told him that "mummy put all A's toys in black bags and told her she was binning them and that if she kept behaving like that then she can't stay here any more" She's 4 years old...

----------


## Suzi

OMG! Surely at some point this has to be reported for the sakes of the children?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not even sure what can be done just yet. He is logging everything to build up a picture but he needs proof. We all know that courts tend to favour the mother. She's already threatened that she'll claim he was abusing her, which tells me she knew exactly what she was doing to him... the only positive is the the children spend a lot more time with J or with grandparents then they do with her

----------


## Paula

Questions could be asked, thats what could be done now, which might lead to her realising she cant do this and maybe might protect those kids from further harm.

----------


## Suzi

I agree.. Has he told his solicitor? Showed them the log?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not sure. They know he's logging everything though

----------


## Suzi

Good.

----------


## Flo

Those poor kids!.....she's a cruel bitch isn't she? Her days are numbered Jaq., and I can see J getting custody of both of the children. When I started the Happy Mothers day thread it wasn't meant to offend anyone, least of all you Jaq. or anyone else that may find having children of their own difficult. But there's more to being a mum than physically having them....if I was in your shoes I'd start to groom myself for being a full time mum, because I can envisage you being in that role in the not too distant future. Your time will come when your love as a mum will be badly needed for those innocent little kids of J's. I honestly believe that the road your life is taking will lead you to that privilege. Sadly there are things in life we have no control over, it doesn't mean we've failed in any way. You've made a new life for J, and you'll make a new and wonderful life for his children. This is something that IS possible. Focus on that. :(nod):

----------

Jaquaia (31-03-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

You didn't offend me Flo. The world doesn't stop just because I can't have children. I've actually been thinking more about my friend, she lost her only son just over a year ago so I know she would have found today pretty much unbearable.

----------


## Flo

I can't begin to imagine how your friend feels. The thought of losing a child doesn't bear thinking about! Bless her.

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

I've actually been kind to myself this evening, I've watched a couple of episodes of Shakespeare and Hathaway. Even though I've done nothing I feel absolutely exhausted and drained.

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you've been kind to you. It's so important. 

Maybe you're realising you need much more sleep and rest than you are having?

----------


## Jaquaia

I think this is more I've found today pretty difficult. I've had to be social with my brother and his girlfriend, and I've tried to keep busy to keep my mind occupied. I feel like a fraud struggling with it when I know what my friend is going through so I've just tried to get on with it. I didn't want to drag anyone else down either

----------


## Suzi

Definitely not a fraud. How many times do I have to remind you that you are important, the way you are feeling is important and that actually what is affecting you is important and just as valid as whatever anyone else is going through...... Come 'ere and be hugged  :(bear):  :(bear):  :(bear):

----------

Jaquaia (01-04-19),OldMike (03-04-19)

----------


## magie06

Hi, how are you doing?

----------


## Suzi

I was wondering the same thing, I always worry when you're quiet....

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok, just not got much to say really

----------


## OldMike

> Definitely not a fraud. How many times do I have to remind you that you are important, the way you are feeling is important and that actually what is affecting you is important and just as valid as whatever anyone else is going through...... Come 'ere and be hugged


I gotta agree whole heartedly with Suzi, and I'll send you a virtual (((hug))) too  :(bear):

----------


## Suzi

> I'm ok, just not got much to say really


Really? Not sure I totally buy that...

----------


## Mira

Me neither. So i am sending the berenknuffels over  :(bear):  :(bear):

----------

Jaquaia (03-04-19)

----------


## Paula

What is up?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not sure

----------


## Mira

Is it a feeling you have? Did something happen? I keep thinking that i hope you are ok and doing well.

----------


## Paula

> I'm not sure


Perhaps talk it out and we could help you figure it out?

----------


## Jaquaia

All I know for definite is that I don't feel 100%. I think I'm just having one of those days

----------


## Mira

:Panda:  Do you have a daily positive for today?

----------


## Suzi

Something to do with J? Your parents? Friends?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know. My parents haven't been too bad this week, I never like it when J has to leave but it's nice to wake up with him. Don't really have friends to have issues with. Anyway, watching Santa Clarita Diet

----------


## Mira

You can call me a friend. But I dont want to have issues with you. 

Seems like its one of those days. Thats ok. Be nice to yourself and tomorrow is a new day  :(bear):

----------


## Flo

Morning Jaq..how are you feeling today love?

----------


## Paula

You have friends, lots of them, just cos not all of them you meet face to face does not make them any less important. Just because I havent met you face to face does not make you any less important to me

----------

Jaquaia (04-04-19)

----------


## Mira

I do agree with Paula. Just from how I have gotten to know you and lots of people here tells me there are good people in the world.

Friendly and kind. Always trying to help. In my book those people are friends. So i would be honoured to be yours.

----------

Jaquaia (04-04-19)

----------


## Suzi

Have to agree with the others - I consider you a friend too 

How's you today gorgeous lady?

----------

Jaquaia (04-04-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Today is much better. I love you guys! I think yesterday I was feeling sorry for myself. I hope I didn't offend anyone. It would just be nice to spend some time with people face to face and I don't have that. It gets very lonely sometimes. I can't start my level 1 in counselling in May either as the course is full so everything has to be put back. 

Had an awesome driving lesson, Bob said he would give me 9/10 for today it was that good!!! Then come home and adulted. Had a letter saying my account was going back to collection as they hadn't received the details they asked for. Turns out they sent the letter the same day they received everything and I've just spoken to a lovely lady who has helped me set up a direct debit for a much smaller amount. This afternoon I am going to study, just the internet based work to do and read the two conclusions in my textbooks and I'm completely up to date and just have assignments left to do!

----------


## Mira

I know how that feels. I have the same. And I guess a lot more of us do. Its great that we can go oline and talk with people. I mean we are in different countries and are talking. Thats awesome. Not alone that but with like minded people that know how we struggle at times.

But I also know how nice it would be to just sit with somebody. Have a cup of tea and talk. We are not made to be alone this much. I sometimes skype but even thats not the same. 

How awesome is that. I knew you would get the hang of it. Driving around everywhere  :): 

Its good that you had help from that person. I can imagine that will take a lot of the stress away. Have fun with the assignments. Your doing great.

----------


## magie06

You sound so much brighter. Did you sleep well? I'm going to jump in here and ask, how's the drinking going?

----------


## Jaquaia

I feel brighter but didn't sleep well really. Talia woke me up at 6 as I couldn't turn over in bed because she'd sneaked up during the night. Having a really good driving lesson was a good start to the day.

Drinking is slow but I am drinking.

----------


## magie06

Well done. I'm peeing for Ireland here because I've had so much to drink!

----------


## Mira

Thats good, and you as well Magie, i dont think I could make it to Ireland but I am drinking a lot as well.

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad today is brighter and that the driving went well! 

I agree about being lonely. It's so hard to not have people to hang out with in person... I think we all have that.

----------


## Jaquaia

Dad sounds  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ed so god only knows how much he's put away this afternoon. Only been sat downstairs about half an hour and already cleanching my jaw massively.

----------


## OldMike

Jaq glad your driving lesson went well, as for your dad just keep out of is way there's nothing worse than having too much to drink, must admit I don't like being around drunk people.  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  How are you today love?

----------


## Jaquaia

Tired. Annoyed that I didn't get my work finished last week. Though that's not really my fault when my head put a stop to that. Figured out with my mum last night that it was actually a migraine, the light sensitivity, pain in my eyes and nausea should have given it away but I get them so rarely that I don't always realise until afterwards. Annoyed that I've ran out of data on my phone!!! Gone through 30gb in about 2 weeks through tethering as the internet is rubbish on a night and a weekend. Damn you Netflix/BBC iPlayer/Radio 4!!! *shakes fist* 

Plan today is finish off last weeks work and tonight will be either Shakespeare and Hathaway or No Angels, probably Shakespeare and Hathaway...

----------


## Suzi

I have to say I'm really grateful for our super fast broadband... With 3 teens in the house who are generally all streaming/playing games and Marc and I  + phones etc it's almost a necessity - without it we'd have to talk to each other!

----------


## Jaquaia

Well the internet has started getting rubbish so I've increased my plan... unlimited data for £20 a month. Building my credit rating at the same time so win win!!!

----------


## Suzi

Well done! That's awesome adulting!

----------


## Jaquaia

I've managed to increase my credit rating by 100 points in the last 6 months so adulting is working for me. And my loan application has been cancelled so I don't have to worry about that anymore and just reapply when next years open!

----------


## Suzi

That's all so brilliant!

----------


## Jaquaia

It feels like I finally have some control over my life

----------


## Suzi

That's f*ing amazing!

----------


## Jaquaia

Feeling a bit guilty tonight. Ash messaged me today, asking how things were going and it wasn't long before he started saying about how if I was single he would drive down to meet me and about how gutted he was that he lost me and then said that he hoped we could rekindle things one day. I didn't know how to say no without hurting him further so told him that you never know what the future holds but he shouldn't wait for me. In hindsight that was probably the wrong thing to say as I got this response "I can't do this anymore. Life is hard enough with out the women you love barely knowing you exsist. I can't be here anymore. Love you. Goodbye xx"

J has already said that his behaviour massively contributed to how things ended but it doesn't make me feel any less guilty

----------


## Mira

J is right. The last msg you got ended with I can't be here anymore. Love you. Goodbye.

If thats not emotional blackmailing then what is? You are so happy with J. And if Ash would respect you and your relationship he would not say any of those things. To me it comes across as selfish of him. 

I do know how it could make you feel guilty. But there is nothing. Truly nothing to be guilty about. This is just more proof that at this time you are together with the best man there is. Thats J.

----------

Jaquaia (06-04-19),Paula (07-04-19)

----------


## Suzi

Mira is spot on! 
Ash treated you appalling! He doesn't deserve your thoughts and you have nothing to feel guilty about!!

----------


## Mira

How are you doing today? Are you ok?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm just tired but just plodding through my uni work and listening to Cabin Pressure

----------


## Paula

Yet again, Ash proves why should not be with him. That is bullying, controlling behaviour and typical emotional abuse. Block him, please

----------


## Jaquaia

I hadn't thought of it in that respect before. I thought I would have picked up on it after dickhead

----------


## Suzi

Have you blocked him yet?

----------


## Jaquaia

I have.

----------

Paula (07-04-19)

----------


## Suzi

I'm really glad. You don't need that kind of bas*ard in your life love. You deserve to be happy and treated like a Princess...

----------

Jaquaia (07-04-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Sometimes I have to remind myself that what I have with J is real. Earlier for example, we were talking about the Holocaust as he was reading a book about the rail network in Nazi Germany (I know! Light reading for a sunday :(think): ) and he was talking about how some railway workers asked to be transferred off the "resettlement" trains and he was saying the he couldn't understand why so many people let it happen so I told him about a study conducted just after the end of WW2 by Adorno et al. that looked at authoritarian personality and how those with an authoritarian personality had the potential for fascism if the political and social climates were right. I know that all sounds very academic, and I suppose it is, but it's the first time in so long where I can have a serious conversation and share my knowledge and intellect and not be shouted down as showing off or as my opinions are wrong and not important itms? With most others in my life, I tend to "dumb down" my vocabulary as it's easier than explaining what words mean or worrying that they'll think I'm a snob. He's the only person in my actual, physical, day to day life that I can fully be myself with

----------


## Suzi

I think that's pretty epic....

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Jaquaia (08-04-19)

----------


## Mira

This is what its about. Being able to be yourself around someone. It does not even matter in what way or form. But being able to express yourself without having to adapt everything or change things is being with the one you should be with.

Its always easy to tell if someone is being a snob in how they express themselfs. And its always easy to make fun of people that use different words. 

I hate that. But I know you are not like that at all. 

I am losing my thoughts a little bit. Sorry about that. 

Thing is nobody should treat people like they are wrong or worth less or more than anybody else. 

There are times where i can learn more from the lovely lady that does the cleaning at work then from the manager. 

Everybody is important. I love hearing words i dont know yet  :(party): 

Sorry this was a bit all over the place.

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Jaquaia (08-04-19),magie06 (08-04-19),Paula (08-04-19),Suzi (08-04-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I got dragged shopping  :=(:  on the plus side, I have new slippers and my dad bought me a pigs in blanket sandwich!

----------


## magie06

Well done on getting out. You need a break from the books.

----------


## Jaquaia

But shopping magie??? Shopping???? It's my idea of hell!!!

----------


## Suzi

Shopping? That doesn't sound fun, but YAY slippers!

----------


## Jaquaia

My last pair were falling apart but I only wear the ballerina kind and last time I was in Asda they only had fur lined ones! Can't wear them as they make my feet too hot

----------


## Mira

Is it weird if I say I like shopping?

----------


## OldMike

I'm not one for shopping, the local Co-op for food and Amazon for the rest  :): 

As a kid used to hate being dragged round the shops with mum and dad like you say Jaq sheer hell, the plus side you got some new slippers  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Mira, I love book shopping!!! The rest I do online!

----------


## Suzi

I agree, it totally depends on what you are buying and where you are going....

----------


## Mira

Thats true, there are so many nice shopping trips but a lot of bad ones as well. The necessary evils in the world  :):

----------


## Paula

Does it surprise you that I love shopping??  :(giggle):

----------


## Jaquaia

I'd ve more surprised if you said you didn't like shopping  :(giggle):

----------

Paula (08-04-19)

----------


## Suzi

So, how're you doing lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm tired. Finished all my reading though, only have 3 assignments left one is a multiple choice test which I've done. Just need to check the answers tomorrow and then submit it. Settled down watching Shakespeare and Hathaway now with a huge bag of orange smartie eggs!

----------


## Suzi

Go you!

----------


## Jaquaia

The dinner is 4 weeks on Friday and I'm starting to panic again about it. Why do I do this every year???

----------


## Suzi

You know you'll love it. So.... What are you wearing?

----------


## Jaquaia

I bought it last year for a friends wedding but never wore it as I ended up getting an appointment with the nurse prescriber. I've lost 3 stone since then so it hangs much better. So that, with tights and black ankle boots and the earrings J bought me for our anniversary  :):

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OldMike (10-04-19)

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## Paula

Its gorgeous, but is it not too big?  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

Technically, yes!!! But I like how it doesn't cling yet the belt gives me a waist  :): 

The biggest problem is soup with those sleeves....

----------


## Mira

I agree, i bet it will look so good. Its really nice. I can see the soup though  :): 

But this must be a good feeling. Knowing that this is sorted. And in a great way. 

Is J going to be there too?

----------


## Jaquaia

He is. It will be the first time I've ever taken someone important to me with me in 15 years of going so it's a huge thing for me. 

Been sat downstairs about 10 minutes and my dad is doing my head in already, my anxiety is through the roof. Moaning about how oven chips don't taste right, fish cakes etc etc and how they should be deep fried. I've said that half the problem is that he leaves them in the oven too long but no, it tastes  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: , needs to be deep fried etc etc, I've even said that I can't eat greasy food, don't like greasy food as it sets my stomach off but he insists he is right. I've just said fine, you have yours deep fried and I'll oven bake mine and ended the conversation but he really can be an obnoxious arse. I'm really starting to detest living here but moving out means stopping driving lessons and I need to learn how to drive.

----------


## Mira

:Panda: 

When something like that happens it can make me anxious as well. Part of my problem is that I change completly to accomodate the other person. So while reading what you wrote I am rooting for you. I know it can not be easy. But you are right. If he wants them deep fried then go for it. And you can eat them out of the oven. I remember when they first came in the oven they where not great. But now they are. So then its fine. But I get anxious when people go on and on about it. 

I can see how it is a big thing of taking him with you. But from what I can tell there would be no one better to bring  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

A lot of it is his manner. Don't get me wrong, I love him to bits but I don't always like him.

----------


## Suzi

I can understand that.. 

I think it's great you are taking J!

----------


## Jaquaia

I've just bought a weekend bag off ebay. A suitcase will be too big and my backpack is getting tatty and it's an excuse but I don't care as it's pretty!!! 

https://rover.ebay.com/rover/0/0/0?m...2F323640148712

I might have a slight problem with this pattern. I have it in pencil cases in navy and blue, my parents bought me a satchel bag in the dark blue at Christmas and I just ordered this in the grey...

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OldMike (10-04-19)

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## Paula

Thats not a problem, thats just building your capsule wardrobe  :O:

----------


## Suzi

Definitely not a problem  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

It's such a pretty pattern!!! And now I'm dithering about going on the Thursday or waiting to travel over with J on the Friday...

----------


## Suzi

When is everyone else getting there?

----------


## Jaquaia

They'll start arriving the Wednesday/Thursday

----------


## Paula

What, in your heart of hearts, do you want to do?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know. I want to go with J but he will have the children the Thursday night. But then just the Friday will make it difficult to catch up with everyone and Tom and Cheryl are getting older and I don't know how much longer they'll keep doing this, plus Tom will be running around like a blue-arsed fly on the Friday. And then there's the money situation too...

And then I'm also nervous about facing Graham now he knows and that whole thing still makes me nervous...

----------


## Suzi

Don't be scared of Graham. This is your other family. He will want to hug you and protect you.... 
Then go on the Thursday night! 
This is something that is such an important time for you each year - it's only once a year and when you don't get much time together! Go and spend every second you can with them - you and J have the rest of your lives...

----------


## Jaquaia

I know you're right. I might have to talk to my dad nicely...

----------


## Mira

I think so too. You should enjoy every minute of it as best you can. You deserve the time you have with them. I am sure J would agree.

----------


## Jaquaia

I think I'm worried that if I go up on the Thursday, J will find a reason to back out. He's promised he won't but I know he would rather have the children when he's able.

----------


## Mira

I can understand that you would feel that way. Having the kids is important. But this is only once a year. And important to you. And if he promised I am sure he will be there.

----------


## Paula

Do you really think he would hurt you like that? He loves you and knows how important this is to you

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't but then I'm not exactly known for logical thinking when it comes to me am I?

----------


## Suzi

Have you told him this is how you are feeling?

----------


## Jaquaia

Yes and he's promised me he won't back out. Still debating Thursday/Friday. Leaning towards the Friday due to cost, don't really want to lend off my dad. 

And not convinced I've done the right thing, even though he's said he's not angry with me, but I messaged J's friend to let her know just how much he's struggling as I think he needs as much support as he can get right now...

----------


## Suzi

Borrow the money. Go on the Thursday.... 
And yes, fwiw I think you've done the right thing.

----------


## Jaquaia

Graham has offered to pick me up from the station if I go on the Thursday so don't have to worry about that

----------


## Suzi

Are you accepting and going on Thursday?

----------


## Mira

From how I can see it if you balance everything out a bit. The best thing would be yo go thursday. Especialy since you dont know how many times you might see them after this one.

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know. I'm still worrying about cost. If I lend money then I still need to pay my dad back and that will worry me, especially as I still owe him money from before Christmas. It's his birthday next weekend and I'm not liking that I can't get him as much as normal, and I know it's not what I get but the thought, I just like being able to spoil him a bit. He may be an arse at times but he has always made sure we had whatever we needed when we were growing up and still does now as much as he can. And it's J's mums 70th 2 days before my dads birthday so I need to find her something too...

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart you are overthinking all of this. 
Basically you only see this group 1ce a year. It's been a rough year for you all - spend the time with them. You don't want something to happen and then "if only I'd spent that extra time....." 
Your Dad is still your Dad and he always will be, he won't care about the amounts and probably doesn't want you scrimping to buy him something. You always find such awesome and thoughtful gifts - he will treasure anything you do get him. 
J's mum will not be expecting anything huge as you don't really know her. I'd go with something bath related or a pretty scarf if she wears them? 

At some point you are going to have to put you first. Not money, not J, not your Dad, but YOU. You don't do it often. It's important. Do it.

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Strugglingmum (11-04-19)

----------


## Paula

^^^wss 100%

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Suzi (11-04-19)

----------


## Mira

Yes i concur 100% with the above message  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ordering her an orchid. She's turning 70 and hasn't had a great year herself so I think it should be something special. 

I know I'm overthinking it and I'm driving myself crazy with it!

----------


## Suzi

An orchid sounds perfect. 

Decide on going on Thursday.

----------


## Jaquaia

I've ordered her this one; https://www.bakker.com/en-gb/p/phala...s-cadiz-M70620

I'm thinking that going on the Friday will stress me less as I shouldn't have to borrow anything and if I do, it won't be a lot. My dad ended up giving me the money I borrowed last year as he'd said about buying my laptop for uni but until he said that I was really stressed about not being able to pay him back. Plus if we go straight away from him dropping A off at nursery, we can be there by lunchtime.

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## Suzi

That's a beautiful orchid!

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Jaquaia (11-04-19)

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## Paula

I bought my ex in laws an orchid for their silver wedding anniversary and they absolutely loved it. I think its perfect, lovely, and Im sure shell love it.

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Jaquaia (11-04-19)

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## Mira

I like it a lot. Orchids are some of the plants I love the most. My mum bought me my first one a week ago  :):  

Good choice.

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Jaquaia (11-04-19)

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## Jaquaia

I'm already worrying that she won't like it...

I know I'm overthinking everything at the moment but I can't switch it off. On the plus side, I had another good driving lesson. We did our usual circuit and I did it on my own with minimal input from Bob, then did it in reverse which meant I had to make more use of lanes on the big roundabout, and ended with some junctions. He took me home the way he would direct me if I were to drive home myself that would enable me to miss a busy roundabout on a major road until I'm better at judging gaps, so yes! We're talking about me driving home in the next few weeks! 

Amusingly, as we were heading back, we passed my old instructor. Huge smile and a big wave as we drove past  :(giggle):

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## Paula

:(rofl):  thats awesome!

She will like it ....

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Jaquaia (11-04-19)

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## Strugglingmum

I would love it if someone sent me that orchid. Lovely choice. X

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Jaquaia (11-04-19)

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## Suzi

That's awesome! 

We're in the process of changing Ben's instructor too... He's had 20 hours and hasn't turned right yet................................

Stop overthinking the orchid. It's beautiful. If she doesn't like it then she has no taste and you can send it to any one of us!  :):

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Jaquaia (11-04-19)

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## Mira

You and I share the overthinking. Its something I can not stop. I bet thats hard for you too.
One thing I notice after the thing I am worries about has passed. That it was fine, ok. And things I worry about are things that other people dont think about at all. 

Like your gift.

I wanted to write down what I would worry about. But that might not be helpful at all  :): 

But the thing is. Its thoughtful, a nice thing to give. I never saw people get mad at getting flowers. And you are remembering her birthday. 

Thats a win win win.

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Jaquaia (12-04-19),Paula (12-04-19),Suzi (12-04-19)

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## Jaquaia

I'm overthinking the orchid, my dads birthday presents, the dinner, money, uni, driving, what people think about me, everything! It drives me crazy but I don't know how to stop it so I try and ignore it. Even overthinking the fact that I've put Stereophonics tickets on my credit card! But I absolutely love them, they rarely come to Hull, I'm allowed to treat myself and it will be easily paid off, which will help my credit rating. 

My bag has arrived too and it's so pretty!!!

----------


## Suzi

What if she doesn't like it? The worst would be that you would feel bad, but honestly love everyone here sees that it's a beautiful orchid, she can't be that different to us all surely?

----------


## Jaquaia

I think she's lovely. I really like them both. And I must have checked with J about 20 times before I actually ordered it. I'm irritable as well and struggling to be around people so I think that maybe my anxiety is higher than I realised...

----------


## OldMike

Just catching up on your thread, that's a beautiful orchid, is it for J's mum? I'm sure she'll like it.

Basically it depends on what J's mum is like, hope she's not like my brother in laws mum (who died last year at the age of 94) whatever you did was never right, if you didn't go to see here it was "no one ever visits me" and if you went to see her it was "what are you doing here, I'm going out", same with presents nothing was ever right it wasn't a case of getting old she was like that all her life, her hubby used to turn his hearing aid off so he couldn't hear her constant moaning, no wonder he spent most of his time on his allotment.

One week she had a neighbour's key so she could water the plants in their kitchen, first thing she said on return was "You should see the rubbish under their bed", beggars belief doesn't it  :(giggle): 

Good for you treating yourself to see the Stereophonics.

----------


## Jaquaia

She's lovely. Both of his parents seem to have really taken to me. It's just me being me.

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OldMike (13-04-19)

----------


## Mira

You being you is you being awesome. The overthinking is not doing you any favors. I know that all to well. But try to not stop it from you doing things.

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Jaquaia (13-04-19)

----------


## Suzi

I'm not surprised that they have taken to you! You are lovely! But they will also have seen how much you love their son.....

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Jaquaia (13-04-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I always try and be myself

----------


## Mira

And it turns out that thats a wonderful person that people like and want to be friends with  :(nod):

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Jaquaia (13-04-19)

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## Paula

> But they will also have seen how much you love their son.....


I adore Katies boyfriend - hes charming, kind, funny but the reason I adore him is because he patently adores my little girl and he looks after her. Its pretty straight forward, really  :O:

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Jaquaia (13-04-19)

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## Suzi

> I always try and be myself


So you should... You are amazing.

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## Jaquaia

I don't think I will ever see that but I'm slowly starting to like who I am...

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## Suzi

And that's f*cking amazing! I never thought you'd even say that!

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Jaquaia (13-04-19)

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## Paula

Thats fricking awesome to hear!

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Jaquaia (13-04-19)

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## OldMike

Wooohooo and so you should, you're a lovely person and we all love you  :Panda:

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Jaquaia (13-04-19)

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## Jaquaia

It's not something that I thought I'd ever say, even a few months ago but it's something I've talked about a few times with Bob, about liking ourselves; I said that it's taken a long time to learn how to start liking myself but I'm getting there slowly, and I realised it's true. I don't always make the right decisions or choices, but I'm an inherently good and kind person, I always try and put others first, I'm empathetic and I' intelligent. Saying it feels like bragging but I know they're qualities I have.

----------


## Mira

I think those qualities are there for everybody to see. So thats in no way bragging. I think its awesome that you are starting to see a little for yourself what other people can see in abundance.

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Jaquaia (13-04-19),Suzi (13-04-19)

----------


## Paula

None of us always make the right decisions, weve all screwed up at one point or another. But mistakes are how we learn in life - my huge mistake marrying my first husband gave me Katie and actually gave me Si too. Its the best mistake I ever made  :O:

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Jaquaia (13-04-19)

----------


## Suzi

Hey I can't tell you the amount of mistakes I've made, but without them I wouldn't necessarily be where I am today....

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Jaquaia (13-04-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

They're taking the kids to the circus together and I'm really struggling with that and feeling like a horrible person because I'm struggling

----------


## Suzi

I'd be struggling too... It seems odd to me that they keep doing these grand days together..... Massive hugs love, you're definitely not horrible for feeling the way you are.

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Jaquaia (14-04-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Apparently she messaged him this morning suggesting it and he was thinking about taking them anyway. His reasoning seems to be that if they take them together there won't be any arguments like there was when he took them to the lego exhibition...

Still feel like  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  though...

----------


## Allalone

You’re not a horrible person Jaq. It’s a natural response to the situation. I’d find it hard and I’m thinking the same as Suzi, why do they think it’s good for the kids to do these days together?! Big hugs flying your way now :(bear):

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Jaquaia (14-04-19)

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## Jaquaia

I suggested that they carry on doing the panto with the children as it's something the children are used to, and obviously birthdays. But I think days out together will confuse the children. A has already told her to "stop shouting at daddy" even though for once, she hasn't shouted at him, so her behaviour is obviously having an effect on them.

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## Allalone

Take care today hun. Keep posting on here and we’ll all help you get through it.xx

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Jaquaia (14-04-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'll be ok. Just feeling sorry for myself

----------


## Allalone

:Panda:

----------


## Mira

I just read what happened. I would be struggling too. A lot to be honoust. But you are not a horrible person for feeling that way. As the others have said its a more then normal response. And I agree with you that this is confusing for the children. From age 9 my mum left my stepdad. And thinking back on it I would be confused about what was going on if they did things like this together. Are they still in love? Are they getting back with eachother? Etc etc.

Even if for the adults its all clear it is sending mixed signals to the children.

So to me feeling the way you feel is completly logical and makes sense. But try to be kind to yourself about this situation. This is not on you  :(bear):

----------

Allalone (14-04-19),Suzi (14-04-19)

----------


## Suzi

Panto this year past fair enough, but the circus? What else are they throwing in? No. I'm sorry love, but I don't see this as being healthy for the children or for him! 
I'm with you totally and think this is pushing it... but that's just my opinion...

----------


## Jaquaia

Panto this year too. They went to T's parents evening together, his school play too. I can understand that to some extent. It's good for him to see they're there for him. He keeps saying that he wants the deed of separation through as it will tie her hands a bit more legally, I just can't see much changing at the moment.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Jaq I would be really struggling with it all and I don't think you are horrible for struggling. I'm not very good at sharing the people I love so I totally get it..... and you're much nicer than me for not blowing a fuse at it.

----------

Jaquaia (14-04-19)

----------


## Suzi

> Panto this year too. They went to T's parents evening together, his school play too. I can understand that to some extent. It's good for him to see they're there for him. He keeps saying that he wants the deed of separation through as it will tie her hands a bit more legally, I just can't see much changing at the moment.


I understand that they went to the parents evening together. Play? I s'pose I can get that too - although I wouldn't sit next to her - but why do the panto this year too? I thought that he went with the children with his parents and she went along too? Why can't they drop her out of it? Why does she or should she want to go?

----------


## Jaquaia

They've always taken the children on their own before Christmas and with his parents after Christmas.

----------


## Suzi

Things change. I just don't see why they are continuing like this....

----------


## Jaquaia

I originally suggested them carrying on with the panto as I thought it would be good for the children to have a tradition that doesn't change. I can't shift the thought that she's going to suggest they try again though...

----------


## Mira

Ok I do not know what a panto is. But to be honoust. I think doing things together should be at a minimum. Like Suzi said. Be at the same event sure. But not sit together or go there together. To me thats just weird.

----------

Suzi (14-04-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

It's a pantomime, it's a traditional play put on over the Christmas period here. I've never been to one

----------


## Mira

Ok thanks for explaining it to me. Do you know if this is something that will get less and less or if they think its a good idea to keep doing these things?

----------


## Jaquaia

I have no idea.

----------


## Mira

Sorry for asking those things. Did not mean to be rude or overstep.

----------


## Jaquaia

It's ok lovely. I don't think you were rude at all  :):

----------



----------


## Suzi

The panto? Why do they need to go twice? Surely she could take them to one and he and his parents and you when sorted can go at another time? I just don't get it....

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know. I don't know if she's going with his parents next year. Everyone except her is trying to do their best and make things as easy as they can for the children. I can't fault them for that

----------


## Suzi

I can see that, but surely sending mixed messages to them isn't helpful?

Anyway, right now I'm more concerned about you....  :(bear):  :(bear):  :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok. Plodding mainly. 

Anyway, J's friend messaged me tonight. She's got some time off and wants to meet me the Monday after we get back from Manchester

----------


## Paula

WTF??? No, love, the circus and panto are several steps too far in my book. The kids know theyre not together anymore and seem to have made their peace with that. They probably know a lot of kids whose parents have split up so will almost certainly know that the norm is not to do things as a family anymore. Shes relying on J being the person he is and not wanting to rock the boat when actually, its time for him to draw lines in the sand.

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Suzi (15-04-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I do know someone who does loads with his son and ex wife, but they're still best friends, they just realised they didn't work together as husband and wife. I know it can be done, I think this is playing with fire though with how toxic she can be but then if it will benefit the children in the long run, I don't want to be the one to say no. Am I being too nice?

----------


## Suzi

Yes. I don't think this will benefit the children at all. I think he's completely out of order.

----------


## Jaquaia

I wouldn't go that far. I know from personal experience how much easier it is to go along with things to avoid arguments when your mental health isn't great. I definitely think he's misguided. Plus T has asked a few times if she can go with them on days out so maybe he genuinely believes it's best for the children. I don't know.

----------


## Paula

While I get what youre saying, protecting your own mental health while potentially confusing and upsetting your children is something Id struggle justifying

----------


## Mira

My disorder makes me go along with everything somebody says. I find it ow so hard to voice my own opinion and do what I want. And you are right. It is much easier to go along with things when you are not at your best mentaly. But there is a downside to it. And that is that at first its easier. But then when it keeps going on it makes things harder and harder. And I don't think there is anything wrong with voicing your opinion about it. Thats what being in a relationship is about. 

If things are easy thats one thing. But yesterday you were not ok with it. And thats not good for your mental health either.

----------


## Suzi

But what about you? What about your mental health? What about the messages his actions are showing you?

----------


## Mira

How are you doing today?

----------


## Paula

Did you have a good evening?

----------


## Suzi

You're quiet - is that because I've upset you? I really hope I haven't...

----------


## Jaquaia

It was lovely. Talia woke me up about 3am though and I struggled to get back to sleep so tired today.

We went out for lunch Suzi so I've not really had chance to look at the forum

----------


## Suzi

Glad you had a lovely evening and you you've spent time together today! It's good you haven't been looking at the forum!

----------


## Flo

Just been looking over people's posts. I haven't been as active as I should be, so sorry for no input peeps. Jaq...have the divorce wheels been put in motion yet? Or is she dragging her heels? From what I have read, it all sounds a bit unhealthy to me. To some extent I can understand the 'anything for a quiet life' bit, but at some stage, for your well being - and the kids etc - they've got to call it quits and  make a sensible split. This could drag on for years! But I hope it doesn't for your sake.

----------


## Jaquaia

Currently waiting for her to sign the deed of separation. As soon as that is done the mortgage can be sorted and the house signed over to him. He's having to ask for an extension of his mortgage offer though as she's being difficult about the deed of separation

----------


## Suzi

Why is she not signing? Is there no other way to make her hurry up and do it?

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## Jaquaia

She originally said that she didn't want everything she was legally allowed but only wanted about 10k yet has done nothing but complain about some things. Apparently him offering to pay for the kids dance class/judo is him trying to be the big man. He ran through it with her before it went to the solicitors and she said ok. The solicitor sent J a draft to check and she saw it and complained about some things so he had them changed. She got sent a copy to sign and kicked off about the car value he gave. He used values that similar spec and mileage cars are going for now but she's objected and accused him of trying to con her as his car is worth a lot less than hers, not really surprising considering his is 15 years old and has done almost 200,000 miles but who am I to use logic?! That was changed and she got sent another copy to sign and kicked off that the money her dad lent her to buy her last car wasn't accounted for. The money that HER insurance company paid out yet SHE lied to her dad and said it wasn't through and then spent it...

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## Flo

What a bloody nuisance! She's beyond belief isn't she?

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## Jaquaia

She's absolutely vile

Well his best friend wants to meet me when we get back from Manchester and she's already told me she's planning on removing all traces of her from the house...

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## Paula

Good on the best friend  :):

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## Suzi

She really doesn't sound like a nice woman at all! I feel for the children being stuck with her!

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## Jaquaia

She isn't. Her biggest issue with him choosing me is "I can't believe you want that! It's like a slap in the face after all the weight I've lost"... yes... she did say that about me...

Talia woke me up again, tried to turn over around 4am and she was stopping me. So I'm tired today, but I have got the second part of my assignment done and got all the copy and paste stuff formatted and it's not due for another 2 weeks.

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## Paula

Sounds like the green eyed monster to me ....

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## Suzi

To be fair though I don't think it matters what size you are if you're a horrible person then it doesn't matter how slim you are no one will want to be around you.... 

Ignore her Jaq - you're a lovely person!

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Allalone (17-04-19),Jaquaia (17-04-19)

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## Jaquaia

Her ego got hurt. She told him that he's just gone for her 3 years ago. Well she can  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  off as I'm nothing like her. I'm not shallow, mean or a bully. I'm not vindictive or malicious. I may be a big girl but that's not all I am.

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## Suzi

You are intelligent, funny, reliable, caring and most of all kind. She appears to have none of those qualities...

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Allalone (17-04-19),Jaquaia (17-04-19)

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## Mira

Well all I can see is that J's improved 100% when it comes to the girls he wants to be with. 

She sounds like a horrible not worth anybodys time woman. It might be nice that she lost some weight. But the things she needs to change are never going to happen. I am just grateful not everybody is as shallow as she is. She does not deserve half as much happyness as you do.

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Jaquaia (17-04-19)

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## Jaquaia

It probably sounds stupid but I've always worried about how I look. I don't understand how J can be attracted to me. All I see is the imperfections; my size, my hair, the excess hair, the double chin. All I see is what I think is wrong with me and I have mastered showering without catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror because when I do see myself I feel nothing but hatred. I've been told all my life that I'm not good enough and it's stuck.

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## Mira

I cant sleep and I did not plan on going on dwd. But I read your post and I kept thinking about it. Because it makes me sad.

I am sure that when J sees you he sees it all. Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. I think of myself as ugly. But people tell me otherwise. I guess to make me feel better. 

But try to believe that eventhough you feel that way there are people that see something different. 

And i do believe that when a person can laugh and feel joy. No one is ugly. 

I am having trouble finding words again. But the people who have told you that all your life. They are the ugly ones. Because ugly does exits on the inside. 

If more people over the world were like you and lots of others here on this forum there would be no ugly in the world at all. 

Maybe do look into the mirror. And think I matter. I am a good person. J loves me for me. I am good looking. And smile  :Panda:

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Allalone (17-04-19),Jaquaia (18-04-19),OldMike (18-04-19),Paula (18-04-19),Suzi (18-04-19)

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## Allalone

Jaq, J sees you. The you that we see on here. You are a kind, honest, intelligent, lovely and supportive person. I wish I had all of your qualities. You deserve J and J deserves you.
 :Panda:

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Jaquaia (18-04-19),magie06 (18-04-19)

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## Suzi

> I cant sleep and I did not plan on going on dwd. But I read your post and I kept thinking about it. Because it makes me sad.
> 
> I am sure that when J sees you he sees it all. Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. I think of myself as ugly. But people tell me otherwise. I guess to make me feel better. 
> 
> But try to believe that eventhough you feel that way there are people that see something different. 
> 
> And i do believe that when a person can laugh and feel joy. No one is ugly. 
> 
> I am having trouble finding words again. But the people who have told you that all your life. They are the ugly ones. Because ugly does exits on the inside. 
> ...


I want to highlight this post. It's f*cking awesome and is completely spot on. 

I honestly believe though that if you asked most people they would answer similarly to you - we can all see our own faults and I am totally the same as you. I can't understand why Marc is with me either - he could have had his pick of beautiful, slim, non illnessed people and yet he chose me. That's the bit I am trying to hold on to - he chose me. J chose you.

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Jaquaia (18-04-19),magie06 (18-04-19),OldMike (18-04-19)

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## OldMike

Mira got it dead right with his post and as usual the Boss Lady was spot on.

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Jaquaia (18-04-19),magie06 (18-04-19),Suzi (18-04-19)

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## Paula

From the very beginning Si took on an absolute nightmare situation with a relationship with me. He could have lost one of his best friends, his mother did not want us to be together and, though we didnt know it at the time, he had to deal with my depression. Since then, my health has gone from bad to worse and yet he still tells me, and shows me, that he loves me every day. We dont choose who we fall in love with but when we do, unless were really stupid, we hold on tight to that person. J has fallen in love with you and it doesnt matter what you think of you, he loves you and doesnt see any of that. Trust him to know his own feelings, and ignore yours in this respect

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Allalone (18-04-19),Jaquaia (18-04-19),Suzi (18-04-19)

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## Jaquaia

You guys are all amazing and I love you all lots. Thank you  :Panda:

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Paula (18-04-19)

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## Suzi

Thing is, we all love you. You've allowed us to get to know the real you and we all love you because of it - not in spite of how you feel about yourself.... We can't all be wrong......

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Jaquaia (18-04-19)

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## magie06

I hope today has been a little better for you. We've had lovely sunshine, I hope you had too.

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Jaquaia (18-04-19)

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## Jaquaia

> Thing is, we all love you. You've allowed us to get to know the real you and we all love you because of it - not in spite of how you feel about yourself.... We can't all be wrong......


Annoyingly, I tell J that. It's not fair when it's used against me!!!





> I hope today has been a little better for you. We've had lovely sunshine, I hope you had too.


It's been good! Had a brilliant driving lesson this morning, he's talking about us doing new roads next week as he was impressed with me today. Helped my dad redo his small fish tank and I have Bluetones tickets! Seeing them twice and the Stereophonics in the space of 2 weeks!

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Suzi (18-04-19)

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## Mira

Thats awesome. A lot for you to enjoy. You deserve it too!

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Jaquaia (18-04-19)

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## OldMike

> You guys are all amazing and I love you all lots. Thank you


Right back at ya you're amazing too, you make DWD and the world a far better place  :Panda:

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Jaquaia (18-04-19)

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## Suzi

So glad you had a lovely day!

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## Jaquaia

My family really annoys me at times. J popped round to see me before work and when he walked in, the only person to acknowledge him was my mum. We talked in the kitchen a little bit then went upstairs, as my brother and dad were just talking about work and as my brother and his gf were leaving, he specifically shouted "see you later Jaq". It's so rude!!!

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## Jaquaia

Thesun is shining through my dads fish tank and it's pretty!  :):

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OldMike (19-04-19)

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## Suzi

That is pretty! 

That is so rude of them! Any reason why they act like that?

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## Paula

> That is pretty! 
> 
> That is so rude of them! Any reason why they act like that?


I was going to ask that....

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## Jaquaia

My dad is generally pretty quiet and J is too. He's very much like me, quiet, shy and introverted. My dad finds that difficult to deal with as he doesn't know what to say to him. My brother can be a bit of an arrogant arse

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## Suzi

Did J make a point of saying hi to them when he came in?

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## Jaquaia

He didn't, Talia pounced on him and my mum started talking to him. My brother does this all the time and he's got fed up of it, but I told him yesterday that if he makes a point of saying hi, my brotherr is the one who ends up looking like a rude arse.

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## Suzi

Yup, that's what I was going to suggest lol 

How's you today gorgeous?

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## Paula

Has he spent time with your family? Perhaps you could all go out for a meal to get to know each other?

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## Jaquaia

I'm ok. Tired and on edge. My sister is coming down as it's my dads birthday but I have no idea when and it has me on edge




> Has he spent time with your family? Perhaps you could all go out for a meal to get to know each other?


He's spent time with my parents. He's met my brother a couple of times and instead of talking to him, my brother just went moaning to my sister as J just walked in the house... you know, just like my mum told him to ages ago... He's not met my sister, apparently she's not interested in anyone I'm seeing as it just ends up in an argument and this way she can't get in trouble. No love, acting like an adult actually helps, rather than a spoilt brat! Being civil costs nothing!

As it is, my brother and sister see each other lots as they work together too, they go out for food together yet never think of asking me if I want to go. And I'm fed up of reaching out to them and being rejected.

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## Suzi

Oh hunni, I'm sorry about that... 

 :Panda:  :(bear):

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## Jaquaia

I'm used to it. If I'm honest, I felt unwelcome today and it's my home. It just seemed to take her all her time to talk to me.

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## Mira

Ok one weird thing the Dutch do is congratulate everybody with someones birthday. So congratulations Jaq on your fathers birthday.

Sorry you are feeling that way. But I can understand real well. They are not being nice at all. Its not that hard to make an effort.

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## Suzi

> I'm used to it. If I'm honest, I felt unwelcome today and it's my home. It just seemed to take her all her time to talk to me.


You shouldn't be used to it, you deserve better. Won't be forever though lovely x

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## Jaquaia

It's always been the same. If they have someone in their lives they have no time for me. My sister put a picture collage together on her fb last year and tagged her family and closest friends. Except me. I wasn't included at all. How was I supposed to interpret that?

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## Suzi

I do sympathise, I had the same and I still find things out via facebook... I know how much it hurts..  :Panda:

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Jaquaia (20-04-19)

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## Mira

Well I could only interpret that in one way. I always think its a shame when things go like this. If people were just a little considerate things would go way smoother. We don't need to be best friends with everybody. But kindness and considerate don't cost any money. And even more when its family people should make more effort. 

It seems all the caring and kindness ended up with you Jaq.

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Jaquaia (20-04-19),Suzi (20-04-19)

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## Jaquaia

When I say I have no one here but J, I really do mean that. My parents have never tackled them about how they treat me as they don't want the conflict.

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## Mira

I know what you mean, I have a brother and sister and eventhough we get along my sister can be selfish and rude. And nobody says something about it just to keep the peace.

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Jaquaia (20-04-19)

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## Suzi

I'd hate any of my children to feel as you do. I'd move heaven and earth to make it OK for any of them.... I fail to comprehend why yours haven't..

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## Jaquaia

I'm probably being cynical but access to their granddaughter seems to be more important. 

Just like when I told them my last result, I know my dad was joking but "what happened to the other 7%?" kind of took the shine off my achievement, it made me feel like I didn't do well enough.

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## Mira

I love making jokes. I love seeing people smile. But I always try to do it in a way that everybody can laugh. And what your dad said is not funny. There is a time for a joke but this was the best time ever to be suportive and proud of what you did. It should have lifted you up. And not put you down.

How are you today?

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## Suzi

Aww, I'm guilty of saying that to Hazel before when she got 78/80 on her maths test - but I followed it by reminding her how amazingly proud of her I am every day no matter whether she gets 1 or 100.... It's not the same, but each time you've said your mark I've been amazingly proud of you!

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## Jaquaia

> I love making jokes. I love seeing people smile. But I always try to do it in a way that everybody can laugh. And what your dad said is not funny. There is a time for a joke but this was the best time ever to be suportive and proud of what you did. It should have lifted you up. And not put you down.
> 
> How are you today?


I'm ok, but tired. The weather is lovely so I'm doing the washing and getting it out on the line.




> Aww, I'm guilty of saying that to Hazel before when she got 78/80 on her maths test - but I followed it by reminding her how amazingly proud of her I am every day no matter whether she gets 1 or 100.... It's not the same, but each time you've said your mark I've been amazingly proud of you!


Thank you!  :): 

One thing that has stuck in my head is the day I got my A-level results. I rang my mum and told her, A, B, C, D...

"And?"
"Mam, I got an A!"
"Yeah. And what else?"

She has always denied saying that but I have a memory for remembering things like that, it drives J crazy! 

I think I only got a half-hearted well done when I got my GCSE results, and that's with going to a crap school and still coming out with 3 C's, 5 B's, 2 A's and an A*. And when I graduated, my dad seemed more bothered about getting back to the pub then getting some nice photos to remember the day...


Oh and the D got upgraded to a C. :):

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## Suzi

My Mum was the same..... 

Hope you've had an ok day lovely.

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## Jaquaia

I've done all the washing. Feeling a bit meh but I'll live

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## Suzi

:(bear):  :Panda:

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## Mira

How are you today? Did it go better then feeling meh?

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## Suzi

I hope today has been better....

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## Jaquaia

I've been restless. Couldn't settle to uni work, not done anything at all really. Finished season 3 of Vikings and watched an episode of No Angels but struggled to concentrate enough to follow what was going on.

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## Suzi

What's on the agenda for this week?

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## Jaquaia

Out for lunch with J tomorrow and he's staying over so watching this weeks GoT and Line of Duty. We'll probably go for lunch on Wednesday then it's studying for the rest of the week. I have an assignment due in a week tomorrow.

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## Suzi

I'm glad you two are getting some time together....

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## Mira

Being restless is not the best. But you are doing so good overall. And there have been some stressful moments. So its ok to have a few days like that. Like Suzi said its good that you are spending time with J together. Thats what matters.

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## Suzi

Morning love, how are you?

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## Allalone

Enjoy your day out with J!

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Jaquaia (23-04-19)

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## Jaquaia

I'm tired. I need to get up as we're possibly going up to Hornsea this morning.

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## Suzi

Hope you have a wonderful day!

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Jaquaia (23-04-19)

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## Paula

Have fun today  :):

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Jaquaia (23-04-19)

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## Jaquaia

Change of plan! A refused to go to nursery this morning so J got to me late so we went to Fort Paull instead. 

http://www.fortpaull.com/

Some of it dates back about 500 years and it's a strange but fascinating place. It was very tranquil and peaceful. Lots of underground exhibits and they could do amazing things with proper funding. Weird that I've never been when I grew up only a 15 minute drive away! 

Then we went for lunch and ended up sat with my parents, sister and niece. My sister barely said a word to either of us, just hiya when I introduced J. He did get a hug off Scarlett though  :):  

Currently sat reading Pride and Prejudice while he has his counselling session and then home to watch GoT, Line of Duty and eat cake!

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## Mira

That seems like a lovely trip. Fort Paull looks good. And what a huge airplane!

The good part for J is that its all about you. So even if your sister is silent. She is not around as much as the 2 of you are. Hope you enjoy the rest of your time together.

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## Jaquaia

It's been a lovely day. GoT was amazing!!!! I had goosebumps! 

Oh and I got my iCMA result back... 19/20, so 95%  :):

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Strugglingmum (23-04-19)

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## Mira

Thats awesome. Congratulations. The work you are doing for it is great! Another reason to celebrate  :):

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Jaquaia (23-04-19)

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## Suzi

That looks like a lovely place to spend some time! 
GoT was AMAZING! 

Congratulations love! That's awesome!

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Jaquaia (23-04-19)

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## Strugglingmum

Congratulations Jaq.  All the hard work is paying off.

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Jaquaia (23-04-19)

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## Allalone

Well done Jaq!!

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## Suzi

Morning gorgeous!

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## Paula

Well done, hunni. Do you believe you can do this yet?

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