# Help and Advice > Questions/Information about depression >  Worried about dosage incr  *SU/AB Trigger*

## rami

I've been suffering from depression for the last 3 months and I have been advised by my doctor to increase my dosage of Citalopram from 20mg to 40mg. I'm worried about this and was wondering if anybody had any advise? 

Thanks!

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## Paula

Hi Rami and welcome. As a community of people who are affected by depression, we are not medically trained so cant give advice. But, there will be plenty of people here who could to you about their experiences with citalopram, which hopefully will help with your decision. I will say that its rare for anyone to be put on the expected dose of any AD right at the start - doctors will normally start out on a lower dose so that your body can get used to the drugs, and their side effects, before increasing to a fully therapeutic level itms

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## rami

Hi Paula, thanks for replying  :):  I feel better knowing that there are people who I can reach out to about my depression. It's been a weird experience and I was born into culture who had no concept of mental illness. They don't understand how/why the brain can get ill. So it has been a real struggle for the last couple of months. Yes so I started off with taking 20mg and did witness an improvement but I still suffer with suicidal thoughts. I will be fine for about two weeks and when something negative happens, my brain takes a dive so it was the doctors decision to increase the dosage. It can be a real battle to pull myself through the dark zone

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## Suzi

Hi Rami and welcome to the group. I've added a trigger warning as you talk about suicidal thoughts. It's not bad, just that we like to give as much notice to others who may not be able to deal with those topics right now. 
If your Dr has suggested upping the dose then I'd say try it. But remember it's going to take time to get into your system before you feel it working...

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OldMike (30-04-20)

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## OldMike

Hi Rami, getting the medication and the dosage that suits you can take some time and remember it can take a few weeks before you feel the benefit.

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## rami

Hi Suzi, thank you for putting on the warning  :):  I'm new here so I'm still trying to get around the website! Well I have started on the increased dosage and but it doesnt feel as though i'm making any progress. Increasing the dosage just makes me feel as though I'm sinking further.

Hi OldMike, yes I know it takes a few weeks to kick in and im no quitter either but the whole thing is just exhausting. I'm sure this is the predicament for a lot of people but I have to deal with the pain of having lost someone I love, troubles with my family and also deal with the reality of isolation, working from home and etc (which is the easiest to deal with out of the three)

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## Paula

Do you want to talk about your loss?

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## Suzi

I'm sorry you've all three of those to deal with. As Paula asks, do you want to talk about any of those? 
Hang on in there with the meds lovely, they do take a while to kick in and to start helping.

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## rami

The most painful event was losing someone I love and they haven't passed away, but I have lost him from my life and it was the event that triggered all this pain. I'm someone who journals pretty regularly but ever since the event, I haven't had the strength to write anything down cause it's too much to acknowledge

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## Paula

Oh hunni, I get that completely. My last big breakdown was because of losing someone.  Do you want to talk about what happened or would it help more to talk about how you can get through it?

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## Suzi

I completely agree that losing someone is so painful. Is the damage irreconcilable?

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## rami

thank you for understanding! I would like to talk about my loss if thats okay?

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## Paula

Of course its ok  :(bear):

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## Suzi

Of course....

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## Jaquaia

You can talk about anything here  :Panda:

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## rami

Thank you all  :):  I met this amazing guy last year and my life was never the same after that. He's caring, thoughtful, sweet, funny, very smart and super cute. I actually met him at work and spent six months  working next to him and he helped me improve my skills so much. But when I was made redundant, we got the chance to see each other. We had some great memories, cooked together, movies, lots of fun dates. And everything was going so well for the next couple of months and then suddenly, he lost his job. He went on a holiday to new zealand for a month to escape everything and i decided to tell him how I feel when he came back. Whilst dealing panic attacks and anxiety as I didnt know what was going to happen between us. He came back and I told him how I felt and he said he felt the same way but we wouldnt be able to go any further since he had to move back to Hertfordshire with his parents until he sorts his life out. Now oxford o herforshire takes 1.5 hours and I didnt think it was impossible. We both drove and had cars and we were mature enough to make things work but he didnt think it would work out and that it would end bad since cause years and years ago, he was with someone for 3 years and when they had to make it long distance, things fell apart. So he thought he could predict the future and sad things will end badly. Whereas, I thought that things could still fall apart if you were with someone who lived 5 mins away from you. I tried to give him options but he didn't think it would work and I had no option but to let him go. We spent one last weekend together and that was it. We didnt pour our hearts out, we didn't really say goodbye but I let his flat knowing that was the last i'd see him and I immediately went into grieving. I hated myself, I hated everyone else and I wanted to ruin the happiness of others as I didn't think it was fair, because life wasn't fair to me. I never had to chance to tell him I loved him. It was been hell since that weekend.

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## Suzi

Oh hunni that's horrible... Have you thought about sending him a text or email or something to see how he is or just to keep options open?

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## Paula

It sounds to me that he didnt cope with losing his job very well which was why he pushed you away. However, there is a chance that time and space has made him rethink things so, as Suzi says, maybe its worth keeping in touch with him as friends - and seeing how things go?

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## rami

Well the last I spoke to him was the start of the corona virus breakdown when I asked him if he was alright since I saw on the news that two people in Hertfordshire were infected. But otherwise I havent spoken to him. It's been so so hard to accept it all since we both had feelings for each other and I knew I was the only girl he had gotten close since his last (and only)relationshio which was 4 or so years ago. We really understood each other and I'm embarrassed to admit this but one time, we went to see the fireworks during November time and he ended up having a dodgy hotdog and when we went back to his flat, he immediately had a tummy ache. I've had food poisoning before and it was the worse thing ever and I was so worried that might have it. He had no paracetamol or anything and so I rushed out in my car quickly before the shops closed and got him the meds and left him there to rest up. Then a week later, I got a speeding ticket from that night, where I had driven so fast to make sure I gt him the painkillers. That event is just bittersweet. And Paula, you are right, he didnt cope with his job loss well and he wasnt very good at being open and I knew he tried to put up walls around me but they didnt last with me. So I really had an affect on him but cause of everything going on, he couldnt cope. He also had to rent his flat, which he had to fix up before he moved back to Hertfordshire. So I understand he was going through a lot. But I couldnt be friends with him, I love him. I told him I didnt wanna lose him and he just hugged me close to him. He wasn't good at expressing his feelings but i knew by his actions. There hasnt been a day since when I dont think about him. He's made me such a better person and he's part of my daily life. I have one picture of us together from when we worked together but thats it. A part of me does understand his decision as in our last weekend together, I saw a notebook on his kitchen with a list of things he had to do for the flat, get bulbs, curtains etc. and the last thing on the last was written in capitals: "SORT YOUR LIFE OUT JOE". So he did have a lot going on but we still really liked each other. The whole thing is just so tragic and my feelings for him hasnt changed at all. If i had the chance to live the last 8 or so months again with him knowing how it will end, i'd do it again without any second thoughts

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## Suzi

Playing devils advocate... Men don't tend to talk openly about their feelings - be they positive or negative... They also seem to have a "male pride" thing of having to be able to provide etc etc.... Sweetheart if you still feel like that then tell him... At least you'd know one way or another...

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## rami

Hahaha I do agree with that! The thing is, I have already told him how I feel and it was his choice to walk way. He knows where to find me. Given the lockdown and everything, I'm may have not had the chance to sort of any of his issues. But still, I still have this feeling that I'll see him again someday. Maybe it's my hope talking but there feeling is still there

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## Paula

Maybe he needs a friend right now and, if you love him that much, maybe you could find it in you to be that friend? Hunni, if you refuse to be in his life theres absolutely no chance of anything ever happening. If youre in his life as a friend, who knows what will happen?

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## rami

No no please dont get me wrong, i want him to be a part of my life and i want to be part of his. But he doesnt have a single female friend, he doesnt even think its possible for males and females to be friends. He's a bit 'unique' to say the least.

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## Suzi

Lol, I have lots of male friends who are just that! Be that friend, let him know you're there for him and see what happens. Maybe nothing, maybe something...

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## rami

I'm glad you do! My best friends a guy too but Joe is a different creature, he reckons its impossible for both sexes to be friends. Let alone someone he's had something romantic with. Anyway, can I talk about my gut feelings? I would also love to hear your experiences!

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## Stella180

You can talk all you want here. 

I too have some male friends. I had a lot more when I was younger and very few female friends until recent years.

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## rami

Yeah my best friend of 10 years was a girl but we had a falling out and my best friend now is a bloke! 

Going back to the topic, I have this gut feeling that I will see/get in touch with Joe again. I have a feeling that it's not quite over. Now that doesnt mean i'll immediately run back to him but I will be willing to give things a go. Is that my hidden hope talking or should I not ignore this itching/nagging feeling I have? I never had this feeling with any of my previous (actual) relationships. What do you guys think? 

Any thoughts are welcome!

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## Suzi

I think that people come into our lives for a reason. I also believe that there is some kind of plan.... Don't ignore your gut feeling, but also don't let that gut feeling stop you from living your life and having all the other experiences you are going to have....

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Stella180 (04-05-20)

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## Paula

Do you think its been made harder by the lockdown and not having the social life youre used to?

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## rami

I find it hard to believe in that. To be fair, it's hard to say what I believe in anymore. My world is completely changed since the depression. And I don't think it has been worse since the lockdown. If fact, the lockdown is somewhat helping because most of my triggers exist outside my house and I don't have to see those anymore. I don't want to ignore my gut feeling either and the reason I get it because me and him have managed to find out way back to each other when changes have happened before. So I have a feeling this might not be over but then again, it's so hard to say. I wish I could look into the future and know for sure. I hate uncertainty

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## Suzi

I think a lot of us hate uncertainty... How is your mood atm? Are you taking the meds?

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## rami

Yes I know but some people can embrace it. My mood is okay but it's not great. My confidence has taken a dip. And yes I am still taking my medications, thank you for asking. 

I remember the days when I used to love myself and had so much confidence. Now I barely have any of that left

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## Suzi

Hunni, are you trying to look too far in the future? Could you try focussing on day by day?

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## rami

I know I'm looking too far into the future but when it comes down to it, I try to take things day by day. I dont think it's wrong to worry about the future but it certainly doesnt help. The way I think is that if I know what the future holds, I can either keeping going today or give up everything. Most people keep moving forward cause they have hope. I have very little of that at the moment. It's hard to trust that things will be fine  :(:

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## Paula

I know right now it doesnt seem it, but there will be a way through, things will be fine. But none of us knows what the future holds and trying to predict it will always end up in problems, especially at the moment.

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## Suzi

Thing is, the future isn't something that anyone can see or be totally sure of. However, fighting the best you can each day is the best thing you can do...

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## rami

Yeah and youre right! But it's hard to not be carried away by my fear of the future. Especially when I dont have much hope to hold onto

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## Paula

Theres always hope. Just a little bit about me - over 7 years ago I had a fall which led to life changing injuries. Until last summer, I was getting worse and worse and more disabled year on year and I didnt believe there was hope of any improvement. In August last year, I went on a residential pain management programme that literally changed my life. I am still disabled but am managing a thousand times better, and have been able to get my life back. If youd have told me a year ago that this would happen, I would not have believed you,  no one would. 

There is always hope

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Suzi (06-05-20)

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## rami

Thanks for sharing that with me, I'm so glad that you are able to manage your disability better now  :):  I wasn't always like this, before this year, I had hope and I have been through a tonne of difficult situations. 9 years of bullying, issues with my dad, strict parents, rejection from guys, sexual assault, falling out with a best friend of 10 years, skin condition (lifelong), was first love who ended up getting depression, being made redundant from first job out of uni etc. these are the most painful things I have been through but there was one thing that always stuck with me and that was hope. I was able to hold onto hope even after my heart was broken from my first love and yet, I'm sat here with nothing but hesitation for the future. The depression has really screwed me up. Somedays I feel like I will stuck in this voide forever.

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## Paula

Oh hunni, Im so sorry youve had to deal with all that  :Panda: 

Ive added an additional trigger warning to your thread, just to make sure anyone who want to avoid those discussions

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## Suzi

You've been through so much... But it doesn't mean it's always going to be dark..... I know that my physical disabilities are degenerative, and I know what my prognoses are - BUT there are always god times, moments of lightness etc.. I'd urge you to join in with our Fab 5's on a Friday where we look for things in our week (Fri to Fri) which have been positive or made us smile. It's not always easy, but there are moments there.... It helps to break through the darkness.

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## Stella180

Absolutely agree with the Fab 5s. It can be so hard to start off but things like getting out of bed, cooking a meal, hearing a favourite song, enjoying a cup of tea, the sun shining etc. can bring a small amount of relief, even if it’s short lived, to a dark day and should be celebrated. As time goes by you will become better at spotting the positives and will see the change that makes to you overall.

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Paula (06-05-20),Suzi (06-05-20)

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## rami

I understand what youre saying but sometimes and somedays, it's so so hard to see the point of "why should I continuing doing everything that i'm doing if nothing good is going to come from it?". 

Thanks for the invite, I will certainly give it a go! I do a similar thing where every sunday night, I write down moments that made me happy during that week and then open all the notes at the end of the year. Someday, I dont have anything to write in it

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## Suzi

Something good WILL come of it all lovely. You are only young (I know, I know don't roll your eyes as I'm sure you're fed up of people saying that) but you have so many opportunities out there. This won't last forever...

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## rami

Haha I did roll my eyes a little bit. Whether good things happen or not is another question but all I want is the pain to stop

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## Suzi

I thought you might.... I thought my world would end when I was much younger, it didn't, that pain ended and things changed... I promise, things will change for you too.

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Stella180 (06-05-20)

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## rami

Well thank you for support. your experience does re-assure me

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Suzi (06-05-20)

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## Stella180

Comedienne Sarah Millican was quoted as saying “Don’t wait for a light at the end of the tunnel. Stomp on down there and turn the  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: er on yourself!” It’s up to us to take back control is our lives and if that means just taking our meds daily, or pushing yourself to get out of bed every day just do it. Eventually it gets easier and you can make the next step, then the one after that. It will get better but you have to make it happen.

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## rami

Nice quote. I mean I hate giving up, especially on myself and so I know I wont but there still has to be reason to not give up. It's hard to find that reason

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## Suzi

YOU are that reason....

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Stella180 (06-05-20)

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## rami

Well I suppose youre right. I'm having a better day today cause me and my mum had a long heart to heart chat about things yesterday. She's aware of my depression being worse since the increase in dosage has affected my mood. 

I wanted to ask, how to i join fab 5s tomorrow?

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## Jaquaia

There's a separate sub-forum for it. Suzi (or one of the admin team) will start a thread for this week and you just need to reply to it there  :):

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## Suzi

Yay! I like being right  :O:  

Absolutely, wait 'till tomorrow - you'll find the right thread  :O:

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## rami

:):  sounds good! 

does anyone know of any good videos/books I can read/watch about mental health? I'm really interested in that sort of stuff

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## Suzi

It depends what kind of thing you are looking for... You could start with the factsheets that Paula has posted here...

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## rami

just light read or videos that someone has found useful to them?

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## Suzi

I don't know of anything off the top of my head... but I'll think..

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## rami

So my best friend is currently in Australia and met a girl there so he's been hanging around with for some months now and he bought her a car, a phone and they been spending every minute together. I don't at all like my best friend in a romantic way but everytime I try to speak to him, he's always going on about her and he's having tree he best time of his life and so he's more concerned about this girl. Which again, is understandable. But the whole thing makes me feel uncomfortable and when I really think about it, 1. Although I should be happy for him, I can't fully be happy, 2. I feel like a bad friend and 3. It makes me feel like "left out". 
Most of my friends are in a relationship and I'm not one to be upset about that normally but now it's really hard to accept because all those people remind me of what I lost. It makes me feel like everyone is against me and purposely trying to rub it in my face and it reminds me of the love that I have lost. What do they all have that I don't?

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## Suzi

It's normal to feel "left out" when your best friend is in a new relationship... And I know that you'll be thinking "why can't I have that?" But it doesn't mean you won't in the future...

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## rami

You're right. I really wish I could see things the way everyone else does

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## Stella180

In time you will.

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## Paula

You will, lovely, you will. And in the meantime, were here for you

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Stella180 (09-05-20)

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## OldMike

I'll just leave you these  :(bear):   :Panda:

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## rami

Thank you all!  :(bear): 

So a revolutionary thing that happened over the long weekend...I woke up yesterday feeling grumpy about all the house work I had to do and my phone went off. I thought it was just a notification. But it was actually my best friend of 10 years who I havent spoken to in 2 years. We had fallen out 2 years ago and never spoke again and I never thought we'd ever speak again. Yet she messaged saying that she was sorry for everything. I ran to my mum to tell her and my mum said "well thats the thing, you always think that you're a good person who tries to do the right thing but bad things always happens to you but good things do happen, they have just taken you a little longer as will other things". I think I actually have a tiny bit of hope now...I was expecting it to happen at all.

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Stella180 (11-05-20)

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## Suzi

Oh that's so amazing. I've recently got back a friendship from 20 years ago so I understand that feeling! I'm so glad for you!

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## Paula

Thats absolutely wonderful! Im so chuffed for you  :):

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## rami

Thank you! I'm really happy about it too! We've put everything behind us and have decided to meet up once the lockdowns over  :):  I didn't think something like that would ever happen. Suzi, I'm happy for you too! This event has truly given me hope that maybe good things may happen again.

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Suzi (11-05-20)

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## Suzi

That's amazing x

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## rami

Yes for sure. However I've been thinking since the morning and I also think it's life cruel to run everything in my face. My best friend is still happy in her relationship of almost 3 years and she never went out, she avoided most things in her life due to her anxiety and yet she is still happy. I have always been successful in my job, I've got a supportive family, a car to take me anywhere and the ability to be independent. I volunteer every now and then and I'm very creative. However I still lost the man I love. 

A very high majority of my friends are in happy relationships and I don't remember ever having a problem with not being in a relationship but ever since I lost Joe, everything seems unfair.

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## Suzi

Hunni thinking in that way isn't going to help you at all. Events and choices happened on all sides leading to where each person is....

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## rami

I know it's not going to help me cause it is very heartbreaking to think like that but I can't stop thinking like that. I mean, its not a even a thought, it's a fact. I don't know how to handle the feeling of being not worthy. This is my depression

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## Suzi

But there are so many factors. This isn't "just" down to you having depression....

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## rami

No no, I wasn't saying that the reason was my depression. The fact that I struggle with feeling worthy is part of my depression. And how factors could there possibly be for someone to chose to be with another? It's simple the way I see it, personality and making an effort. He had the right personality but not the ability to make an effort to take our relationship to the next level.

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## Paula

Which may mean hes not right for you.  I know you think hes your soul mate but surely your soul mate would try harder. I believe theres someone out there for you that would walk to the ends Of the earth for you

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Suzi (11-05-20)

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## rami

Well I certainly did think that he was special and the worst part is that we both liked each other. Maybe people only move mountains for people who worth it? But his issues were too much for him to deal with. It's nice that you believe that but I'm prepared to ride this one on my own.

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Suzi (11-05-20)

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## Stella180

A friend shared this with me at the weekend. Please excuse the occasional bad language but the message is so true.

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Suzi (11-05-20)

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## Suzi

Brilliant link Stella. Absolutely spot on!

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## Paula

I loved that, Stella!

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## rami

Wow. Thank you so much for sharing that Stella. I let out a few tears after watching that. And Matthew Hussey is great. I need to start telling myself that Joe was not the right guy

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## Suzi

He may have been the right guy for that time, but he's not your forever guy....

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## rami

Well whether he was or not, I think what Matthew Hussey talked about ego and that really hit home. I've always thought that when you work hard for something, turn up and put in the effort, you should get everything you want. When I didn't get what I want with Joe, it was ego cause I didn't think I did anything wrong and I never hurt him and I was always there for him so I didn't understand why he wouldn't want something more

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## Suzi

Makes sense...

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## rami

Yes so I need to let go of my ego, which in turn will make other things happen as well

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Suzi (12-05-20)

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## Prycejosh1987

> I've been suffering from depression for the last 3 months and I have been advised by my doctor to increase my dosage of Citalopram from 20mg to 40mg. I'm worried about this and was wondering if anybody had any advise? 
> 
> Thanks!


I think you should try thinking differently, be more optimistic and take actions to combat what is making you depressed because medication helps you cope with the depression but depression can only be overcome when you actually look at things in a positive life and take it from there.

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