# Help and Advice > Friend/relative has depression support >  Husband suffering with depression. *AB SU TRIGGERS

## Blueeyes1983

I am just after some advice on how to handle my husbands depression. It's a very long storey but my husband had a traumatic childhood and was sexually abused. He is a great guy, hard working, attentive, caring etc... we have been together for nearly 5 years and married for 8 months.

Basically he has 'episodes' I would call them when something really upsets him and he becomes like another person. He fluctuates between being very angry and 
acting hopeless. He tells me I'm better off without him and we shouldn't be together. He even threatens suicide and will go driving off in his car for a few hours and not answer my calls. 

He comes back after a few hours calmer and full of remorse and self hate. He will be like that for a few days or a week then slowly bounce bank. I would say these episodes happen every few months. 

This morning was particularly bad, he said we should get divorced as I'm better off with someone else then he would end his life. This all happened after I said I wouldn't do something sexually for him that he really wants to do! We had a miscarriage two weeks ago too. After the miscarriage he was great, loving, caring, strong. He seems to be using sex as a release from his unhappiness. 

This morning he did agree to get counselling but he agreed to that a year ago and didn't go. He tells me he loves me, that he doesn't want anyone else and wants a family with me. 

I was just hoping for some advice from people who suffer from depression. So I can understand why he tries to push me away and how I can avoid taking these comments so personally.

 I do worry as my husbands father committed suicide when my husband was three, he was thought to be bipolar and I'm worried my husband is too. I must add that between these episodes my husband functions fully, he goes to work, laughs, seems happy for a few weeks or months till it happens again.

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## Jaquaia

Hi and welcome. I've added a trigger warning as you discuss some difficult things that may trigger other members. It just allows them to avoid it, nothing to worry about. 

Has your husband seen his GP? It sounds like he could do with some input. It's also important to make sure you have support too.

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## S deleted

You could always check out the time to change website to help understand depression a little better. It's harder I think for the loved ones cos there isn't a huge amount you can really do to make it better, but talking and reassuring him is pretty important and making sure he knows you are there for him. That can be difficult when he constantly tries to push you away but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you or want be with you. It's the illness.

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## Suzi

Hi and welcome. I may be speaking out of turn but he is completely out of order for stating he was going to kill himself because you didn't want to do something sexually. I'm so sorry for your loss. Miscarriage is awful and so often not spoken about - do you have any support? 
I agree, he needs to see his GP and I'd suggest you go along too to tell them what he misses out...

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## Paula

Hi and welcome. I'm so sorry for your loss  :(bear): . I need to say that having depression is no excuse for treating your loved ones badly. Given you've very recently suffered a miscarriage, these demands seem to be, to me, insensitive - 2 weeks is no time for you to recover, physically and emotionally.

Are you involved with his doctors at all? Does he let you in to any discussions about diagnosis? Has he talked to you about any triggers, coping mechanisms etc and is he on any medication? I think it's important, where possible, that partners are involved in these conversations/decisions etc as it helps to give a better understanding of how the illness is affecting him and what can be done to help

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## Blueeyes1983

Thank you everyone for your responses.

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## Blueeyes1983

He said he will see his GP next week. I am thinking about getting counselling for myself too. He is not currently on any medication. He has twice been on fluoxetine but he said it didn't help and made him feel 'fuzzy headed'. 

I totally agree that his demands were unreasonable, I was extremely hurt and livid. That's what is hard, he just acts 
like a different person completely. Afterwards he said he hates himself for sounding like he was pressuring me into 
doing something I didn't want to do. He admits that he uses sex to cheer himself up. He said he 'doesn't even know what he is doing' when his moods are like this. He did say he sometimes says things to hurt me so that I will leave him and find 'someone better'. 

Afterwards me apologised profusely, said he loves me, wants a family with me etc..I between these episodes he is very kind and loving. I feel like this could be a mood disorder more than a general depression. On his 'good days' he acts normally (if there is such a thing), laughs, jokes, keep busy, altho an element of sadness and lack of self esteem still seems to be there.  wouldn't say that he has any manic phases tho.

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## Suzi

Have you got any support lovely? It's tough being the one caring for someone with depression... My husband and I have been to hell and back with it, but the most important piece of advice I can give anyone is to keep talking - you and him. You need support too. Going through a miscarriage needs to be talked about and you are more than allowed to feel the grief and work through that bit by bit. 
I'm glad he's going to go to the drs. Will you be able to go with him? Definitely don't be put off AD's because one or two don't suit and remember that any negative side effects should stop within 2 weeks - but as Paula has said they take a little longer to get into your system...

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## Blueeyes1983

Hi, no I haven't had any support so far, but I haven't asked for it. I will speak to a counsellor too myself. 
I have a friend that I speak to but I'm reluctant to speak to other friends or family because I think they
may judge my husband.

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## Suzi

But take it from me you need support and you deserve support.

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