# Help and Advice > Friend/relative has depression support >  Help with long distance partner

## fanine12

I get so heartbroken, I just need to talk to others who know how it feels. I am in a long distance relationship with someone who clearly has some kind of depression. It goes from him showering me with love and affection in his messages, to then suddenly him being completely cold with me, or not even responding at all. Yet I then see him on facebook literally all day. Yet if I am lucky enough to get a reply it may be one word or so.

This week was his birthday. It is now 2 days after that. On facebook he showed loads of photos of all sorts of birthday celebrations he had with people, and stated how wonderful it was to get all the love from everyone and that life was beautiful. We messaged a little bit on the day. Yesterday he suddenly went pretty cold on me. I said I had plans to come and visit soon. He said to chat later on this and then I noticed he has altered the settings on facebook - which is the way we normally communicate to ignore - so basically he only gets the messages if he makes the effort to look at message requests.

This has made me so upset - even though I am trying to understand the cycles. I am guessing he is now in a depressive mode. I had to text him in the end about something important as my fb messages just show up as sent and not delivered. So I dont know if he is getting them. I got a short reply and then that was it. Nothing to my final text saying take care. 

I find this up and down so hard. If he is ignoring my messages on facebook now too, this is the first time he has done it in the 6 months we have known each other. Yet then he will still like some of my posts on facebook at the same time!. I feel like it is making me go mad. It feels so hard when you send messages and there is no reply or a cold short reply. Yet I see him active for hours and hours on facebook.

I feel hurt too that no response to the fact I am planning to visit. When Just a few days ago I was his beloved, he said he dreamed of coming to visit me. That I was fantastic. Sometimes he does open up. Says he feels bad about things and doesn't feel good. And I just give the support I can. He has recently been diagnosed with asthma and also I know this week, his grandmother died the same day as his birthday 2 years ago, and then his father 3 weeks later. So all I am guessed the culmination of all these things is hitting hard.

I simply don't know what to do. I guess if he is almost blocking me, then I need to stop contact until he comes out of it all and chats to me. When he does chat he will tell me all about his plans, his concerns on work. When he was diagnosed with asthma we chatted all about it. He can be so totally friendly and open to me about his thoughts and feelings. I think that is why it is so hard he suddenly just goes away from me. Yet every time he does do that he will still go through my facebook liking many posts. 

It is just difficult to deal with it all without it bringing me down. Especially as there is no way I can see him in person.

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## fanine12

I just want to add that he has not any help for his depression. No medication or anything. Where he lives that is not so easily available and neither is counselling.

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## Paula

Hi and welcome. Has your partner been diagnosed with depression? Im sorry but it sounds to me more that hes not as committed to your relationship as he is. Could this be the case?

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selena (26-05-18)

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## fanine12

He has not been diagnosed no - partly because of the country he lives in. It is very much an underdeveloped country where even counselling is hard to come by. And where the status of man is very different to say Europe, the UK or the US. Where men simply aren't supposed to say they are 'weak' in any way. When he opens up to me he says he feels terrible, can hardly move, has terrible headaches. He can see he feels bad. He will ask me how I am and he is happy if I say I am good. But the times I have said not so much he can get upset and say no, not both of us. He half realises that he has a big issue. He has told me since his father and grandmother died 2 years ago this week, he has felt empty. His best friend then also died 6 months after that. So I can see he has been through a fair bit. When he is high he is super happy. Showers me with love and sends me love songs etc. i can see he panics if he thinks I am going to go. Will really confide in me in many personal things But then suddenly out of nowhere he will completely shut off. One day to another.
Being so far away yes, it can be difficult to know the full story. Just difficult when one minute he is so keen for us to meet soon, and then no responses at all when I am so far away. I guess I can only really know when we meet again in July.

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## Suzi

Hi and welcome. Have you ever been together? Is the long distance thing new? 
With that amount of grief in a short space of time I can see why he's struggling now... But really he needs to see a Dr, get a diagnosis and some help...

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## selena

Please be very very attentive, I hope he is really depressed and not a man not commited to your relationship and a manipulator.

I've been in an online relationship with a guy from underdeveloped country who tried to manipulate me for visa (hidden game). Due to this, I've become even more anxious than I am. Hope that's not your case.

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