# Help and Advice > Friend/relative has depression support >  boyfriends depression breaking my heart SU trigger

## Hereforyou

Hi there,

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. Our relationship has been mostly very good (I say mostly because like every relationship we have had ups and downs) but we have done so many wonderful and lovely things together over the years, creating beautiful memories and having a wonderful time together.

In early December things were great, we were on holiday having a blast, we were looking at wedding rings and baby clothes for a while, planning a future with each other, something we've been talking about for a couple of years. 

After Christmas however things shifted and my boyfriend suddenly became a different person. At first he would simply be irritable, tired and moody, this caused a lot of arguments between us as of course I didn't realise what was going on and just thought he was being moody. We've never been a couple that argues every week but without fail the weekend would come along and it felt as though he was purposely starting arguments. At the end of February it became apparent that he had fell into severe depression as he admitted that he was miserable and he didn't know why, he begun talking about thoughts to commit suicide and saying nasty things about our relationship and about me, saying nothing makes him happy. He told me how he needed to get his head together and needed space because he was miserable and how he was messed up. He begun doing stupid things to purposely "set me up" and put ideas of another woman into my head, something which truly breaks my heart. 

We are now in March and he has now started antidepressants (just over a week today) and will start therapy shortly, but I am struggling massively. In the months prior we argued non-stop and he keeps hanging up on that, saying our relationship was bad and how all we did was argue. He left to get some space but came back a few hours later, still telling me however that he didn't know if space would have worked because he didn't give it long enough but also saying how he loves me and doesn't want me to be the reason hes depressed, saying how I've made him the happiest he's ever been and how I am the best thing that's ever happened to him. It's just so hurtful that he thinks that I could be making him depressed. 

We spoke about his issues with me and our relationship and I've agreed to change those things since he started the antidepressants I have tried my absolute hardest to be happy, cheerful, supportive and not moany. 

Admittedly this has been incredibly hard for me, this is the guy of my dreams who I love very dearly. He has said and done so many hurtful things in the last couple of weeks, he's becoming reclusive and seems to always be miserable with me only despite me trying to be positive and upbeat. I've told him that I will support him through things but I don't know what's going through his mind or if he even wants to be with me anymore. :Swear:  

It sounds stupid but he keeps being strange with his Facebook and hiding our relationship on it, this hurts massively as he knows it upsets me but he seems to continue to do it, and I am not sure if he's doing it because he's depressed or because he wants to push me away and make me leave him. 

He's lost all interest in me physically and doesn't seem to even want to hold my hand anymore, I've been told to give him space and go out more, to also stop being as affectionate as that may not be what he wants right now but it's so hard as I just want to hold him in my arms 😢 . 

Is it normal for depressed people to completely withdraw from their partner physically and emotionally and to act suspicious/strange.? What should I do, should I withdraw a bit or keep being around? 

For the record, he took antidepressants for about 2 weeks before in August but stopped them suddenly. As far as I am aware he has never been diagnosed with depression before but has had bouts of sadness in the past and suffers with ADHD.

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## magie06

Hi there. I'm just going to say welcome to DWD. 
Just a heads up on antidrpressants, they can take from four to six weeks to get into the system and start to work. I can understand why your boyfriend stopped taking them before if he thought they weren't working. 
It can be very difficult when someone is going through a depressive crisis because sometimes it can last just a few days or other times it can last months. There really is no telling how long it's going to last. 
Your boyfriend has really done all the right things, going to his doctor and starting in the meds. The therapy will also help but again it takes time. 
I think it is perfectly normal for someone who's depressed to withdraw from everyone around them. If you have thoughts in your head that you are useless and worthless, sometimes it's easier to pull back from people to avoid hurting them too. For me, it's almost like I think depression is contagious and I don't want to infect anyone else.

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## Paula

Hi and welcome. Ive added a trigger warning to your thread. Its nothing to worry about but just ensures anyone who needs to avoid certain subjects, can.

I know when Im very low my emotions are numbed and, though I know I love my husband very much, I cant feel that love itms. Its a coping mechanism but one that, with the mood swings, can put a huge strain on relationships. It can seem easier to push our loved ones away and, in our twisted thinking, seems as if thats the best option for our loved ones.

That knowledge doesnt make it any easier for our loved ones to deal with, I know, and in no way excuses anyone from behaving badly to the people we love. But I hope it helps you understand your partner a little bit more

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## Suzi

Hi and welcome. Whilst a symptom of depression is pulling away from those you love because you may not think you deserve them, or they'd be better off without you or you're bringing them down too etc being nasty isn't. You say he was trying to set you up - what do you mean? Ideas of another woman - what that he's involved with another woman? 
What things has he asked you to change about yourself? 

Sweetheart whilst he may have stuff to deal with, you are important and valid and actually the way that you feel is important too..

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## Hereforyou

Thanks for your message.

I know it takes time, I am just so unsure if I am doing the right or wrong thing, if going out and giving him space is a good idea or if that's going to lead him to feeling like I don't care ��

I am also struggling to deal with it myself quite a bit, though he may say he loves me his actions don't resemble that and that's really playing on my insecurities, especially with him being quite distant. 

In terms of him trying to "set me up" hes been going to a cafe for lunch whilst at work, he knew that I was spying on his Facebook so he searched for one of the girls profiles in the case, not friending her or messaging her (that I know of) but looking her profile up knowing that I may see it. Apparently his idea behind this was to prove that I was looking through his Facebook and when I confronted him about it he said it was simply to prove a point. 

In terms of hiding our relationship status off of Facebook, he removed it (apparently by accident), he put it back a couple of days ago and then removed it again on Tuesday, hiding it from view. Again my insecurities are going through the roof as he's changed his phone password and Facebook password so that I cannot check anything or see if anything is going on.

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## Jaquaia

Can I ask why you were spying on his fb?

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## Suzi

Why don't you trust him? If you are spying and logging onto his phone and facebook then it suggests to me that that you have serious trust issues..

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## Hereforyou

I do have trust issues unfortunately, in August  (when he was first on antidepressants) I found inappropriate messages to another girl that he sent in March when he was away for the weekend  . I don't think he will ever cheat but at times I do think he talks to girls I appropriately.

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## Suzi

But you spying on him is only going to be causing pain to you and pain to your relationship. I don't condone it, but I do understand why he tried to make you look bad about not trusting him...

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## Hereforyou

You are right and I've promised to turn over a new leaf. I've certainly tried. Except now he's constantly on the phone these days and doing as mentioned with Facebook. It's really hard when you've already got trust issues and now he's like this. I've not said anything about it as of course I am trying to be understanding and supportive but he's making me feel terrible when I am sitting thete trying to welcome him home and all I am getting is him staring down at his phone.

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## Paula

Sweetie, a relationship can not survive if theres no trust. Thing is, despite your assurances, its clear you dont trust him. But its also clear he doesnt trust you - else he wouldnt have blocked your access to his phone etc.

Have you considered relationship counselling?

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## Suzi

I agree about relationship counselling...

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## magie06

It's something that I'm going to be doing shortly. It's because during this crisis I didn't talk to my husband, and our relationship hasn't been the best because of that.

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Paula (17-03-18),Suzi (18-03-18)

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## Hereforyou

There has been trust in the past and he abused that very recently, so of course it will take time to build trust back up, whilst building it back up this has happened which has of course made things worse because I went from being the best thing in his life to him walking out claiming to need space.

I would just really like some help and advice on dealing with the feelings that he doesnt want me anymore, he isn't interested in intimacy or being passionate and claims to want space but then says he doesn't know. That's what hurtful and upsetting, feeling as though this is my fault.

Last night he wanted to talk and said after a week on antidepressants he doesn't feel better and doesn't think they'll work. He said that everyday he wakes up he feels 1% less of his original self, I've tried to reassure him that these things take time and asked him what I can do to help but he just seems so lost. I asked him if he wants to leave because I am not helping that he can and I will understand, we started talking abput our holiday and I tried to reassure him that he will get back to feeling happy like that again and he ended up having a panic attack (or anxiety attack I am not sure of the difference) . 

I am trying very hard to be strong for him but I don't know what's the right thing to do, give him space and time or be supportive with time. 

This is so hard

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## Jaquaia

A week is far to early to know if they're going to work. Antidepressants take anywhere from 4-6 weeks to reach therapeutic levels so he won't see a difference yet. He needs to stick with the meds and make sure he's taking them properly and if he isn't feeling any different after a month to 6 weeks, then he needs to go back to his GP and discuss it as he may need a dosage adjustment or to try a different AD altogether. It's important that he realises that he didn't get this ill overnight and he will need time to get better. ADs aren't a quick fix, it's trial and error finding one that will work as everyone responds differently. It's not a one size fits all treatment I'm afraid.

Could you sit and look at the Time to Change website together?

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## Suzi

I completely agree with Jaq. Anti d's don't work like a paracetamol, and most people get side effects when they first start taking them, but those should pass in a couple of weeks.

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## Hereforyou

I keep telling him that he needs to allow himself time to get better, I know that this isn't an easy fix and keep trying to reaffirm to him that it will take time and he just has to try (as hard as I know that is for him right now) to be positive. He just seems to be much more concerned with wanting to know what's caused it and I've told him he needs to deal with that during therapy and when he's feeling better in himself. 

I love this man, and prior to this our relationship was a very happy, enjoyable and loving one, I am trying to remember those times and trying to support him in the hope that we can get back to those times together. 

I guess I just wanted advice and guidance that sometimes when people get depression they push the ones they love away and they lose all desire to be physical and affectionate with that person, and because of that what's the best way to act with him. As we have always been very affectionate, I don't want to continue to be affectionate with someone who moves away when I try to hold his hand, for both fear of rejection and also fear of being too pushy for him right now, but at the same time I don't want to completely stop all affection if that will make him feel unloved. 

I just want to do what's best for him right now, I have asked how he wants me to be with him and he says that he doesn't know, so perhaps others might have some insight?

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## Suzi

I remember my now husband telling me that he didn't know if he still loved me or our children. He said that nothing had changed, so he thought he probably did, but couldn't be sure. It broke my heart, but I told him that it was all going to be OK because I loved him and them enough for both of us. 
For us things have worked out and we're still together - it's not been easy and it doesn't work out for so many, but for us it did. We've always been open and honest to each other about how we feel etc.

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## Hereforyou

It's lovely that things worked out for the two of you, I hope I can love him enough for both of us.

May I ask, when your husband felt better, was your relationship different I.e. did it go back to how it was, or was it better/worse for a time period?

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## Suzi

It's stronger. I think we realised that if we can get through his breakdown, almost losing our home etc then we can get through anything.

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## Paula

Id say the same, my marriage is much stronger now weve been through this. But you have got to get through it first ....

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## Hereforyou

I am pleased for you both that it has made things stronger.

He cried again last night, he's fed up of feeling this way and just wants to get better, hes confused about everything and doesn't know what he wants or how he feels about anything anymore. He keeps saying he kisses his old self and that this isn't him. 

I feel terrible for him. I showed him a video of himself when we were on holiday, he was so happy and cheerful in the video. I told him that in time he will go back to that, but he needs to give it time. 

He's so scared and feels worthless and ashamed. I truly wish I could take all of this pain away from him and make him feel better again. 

I keep telling him to give it time and that he should allow the full 2 weeks for it to get into his system and a few more weeks to start working before he gets concerned that it's not working as that is what the doctor has told him. 

I've told him that everyone believes he will get better and that he should Trust in those around him. Constantly trying to reassure him that he has my support, understanding and faith that he will get better. I told him that together we can do this and that I am there to listen when he needs to offload. He said he's exhausted (not sleeping properly) and that he's been putting on a front recently to try and act happy. 

Are those the right types of things to be saying.? Should I be saying something different or should I be taking him out of his routine and doing things that he can enjoy?

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## Hereforyou

Sorry autocorrect changing "missing" to kissing.

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## Suzi

Sweetheart you know him best. There is no blanket "right" things to be saying. You are being kind and honest about how you are feeling then that's all that anyone can ask of you x

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## Hereforyou

I honestly don't know what to do right now, he doesn't know what he wants or needs which means neither do I. 

I've tried not to talk to him too much about how I am feeling, I don't want to bug him down with all of that or make things harder for him. 

I just feel so lonely around him these days, he says he cuddles me not because he wants to but because he knows I like it, and that he doesn't want to be bothered for anything, that upsets me massively because he used to hold me.  

Even the secrecy is bothering me massively, normally I would say to him if he wants me to trust him why does he hide everything and why has he changed his passwords to EVERYTHING, but I don't want to say those things right now as I don't want to make things worse.

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## Suzi

One thing I learnt - ignoring how you are feeling and shutting out what's in your head is never going to end well. You need to say what's in your head as your feeling are just as important and valid. 

I started with focusing on the basics - making sure he's eating and drinking. Whenever I got a drink, I got one for him - whether he drank it or not, the same with food. 
Talk to him. Tell him that you want to do what you can to help, but you don't know what to do to help. 

Is he on meds?

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## Hereforyou

I am scared that telling him how I am feeling will make him feel worse.

Yeah I've been trying to make sure all of those things, I cook the dinner and stuff to make sure he's eating something healthy. He's still suffering with his tummy and sleeping as a side effect of the meds though.

Last night he kept talking about how he is confused about everything and doesn't know what he wants, aside from to feel normal again. Of course I know that includes me and being confused about us and wanting to still be with me. 

I've told him I am there to help and support but he's just so unsure about what he wants.

Part of me wants to give him space and time to clear his head and find out if he really wants to be with me, but I'd feel like I am abandoning him. The other part of me wants to see it through for the meds to kick in before I make a big decision. 

Yes, he's on citalopram, it will be 2 weeks taking them on Thursday this week, of course I know that they could take 8 weeks for him to feel the affects but he's in such a rush.

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## Suzi

But your feelings are no less important than his. 
Might be worth reminding him that he didn't get this poorly overnight and it's going to take a while to work through everything.

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## Jaquaia

If he needs to talk to someone who understands then he could always sign up here. We have private sections we could provide access to so you can both talk without fear of upsetting the other. Sometimes, talking to someone who has suffered the same thing can help so much.

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Suzi (20-03-18)

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## Hereforyou

I tried to remind him that this is equally hard on me too and he got upset so it didn't go down well.

He looks so fed up all of the time bless him, I am trying my hardest to be positive and supportive without showing how much it's affecting me. 

He's a very closed off person, feelings aren't something that he shares (which is probably how he got like this) so this wouldn't be something he would do, I've suggested it to him but he's not comfortable with it. 

We are still waiting on the therapy as our doctors are pretty useless at doing anything and it's taken them 2 weeks to even send the referral. 

Today is 2 weeks exactly since he started the medication, should we both expect to see small improvements from now or will it take a little longer before we see any improvements to his mood.? He's still suffering with the side effects (trouble staying asleep, lack of apetite, sickness, nausea and diarrhoea) so should these at least start to go now it's been 2 weeks.?

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## Paula

Just because he got upset doesnt mean he doesnt need to hear it. You cant tread on eggshells around him, hunni. The side effects should start to improve now but he may continue to have some - its a case of whether theyre easier to cope with than the illness. Generally, there should be a gradual improvement over the next few weeks but theres no hard and fast rules Im afraid and its often difficult to see until you look back on it itms

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## Hereforyou

Yeah you're right, he kept saying how hard it is for him too but ultimately I told him that I'll support him and if right now that doesn't matter it will matter when things improve for him. 

It's just so hard with him saying he's confused about everything, my parents want me to give him till the end of the month (end of next week) and if he is still confused then I should ask him to move back in to his mum's while he decides. I've asked him a few times if he wants me to leave or if he wants to leave and have some space and he says no, but still says he's confused. 

He's going out with his friend on Friday, I think it will be good for him to let his hair down and enjoy himself. I am hoping it's the start to recovery.

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## Suzi

I completely agree with Paula. If he's still having negative side effects by the middle of next week then he really needs to go back to the Dr and look at maybe changing the dose or the medication. 

I'm really glad you spoke to him re how you are feeling and agree that although he got upset, he had to hear it. Walking on eggshells is exhausting and chances are you'll end up in a pretty crappy place yourself - I know that from experience....

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## Jaquaia

It's worth mentioning if he's going to be going out and drinking that alcohol is a depressant and may actually make him feel worse

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Suzi (22-03-18)

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## Hereforyou

He has an appointment for the doctors the week after, they seemed pretty happy with just issuing him another dose and seeing him again 3 weeks later. 

My parents think I should ask him to move out next weekend if he is still saying he is confused about being with me, I am not sure if that's the right decision though.? 

I've mentioned the alcohol to him, he very rarely drinks so I am hoping enjoying himself with friends might be a good idea.

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## Paula

How long have you been living together? Whos house is it? How old are you both?

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## Hereforyou

We've been living together for 3 years, it's my home but I will happily stay at my parents for a while and we've been together 4 years. I am 25 and he's 28

Rented home as we were planning to buy at the end of this year.

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## Paula

Then maybe its a bit premature to talk about anybody moving out? If hed broken his leg you wouldnt be thinking about s9mething so drastic - its going to be hard but surely its worth working on this?

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## Suzi

I agree, I'd not want to be making such major decisions right now...

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## Hereforyou

I don't want him to move out, I do feel like he is trying. He's trying to not be as miserable and trying to be talkative and make jokes or smirks at things. 

He's said he's doing it all to try to feel normal and happy. He takes his medication at the same time everyday, tries to keep busy. So I am pleased and positive that he genuinely is trying, I just hope he feels an improvement soon.

Of course I miss the affection from him but I am hoping thast will come back soon. 

He has broken his hand funnily enough and even then he wanted to rush things.

I love him to bits and want to try to support him as best as possible.

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## Suzi

I think you're doing great lovely! Check out the time-to-change website, it'll give you ways of opening conversations if you need them.

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## Hereforyou

Thank you, it really means a alot to hear that. 

One thing he mentioned last night and a couple of times before was thawt he hates that none of the rooms in our home have been fully completed in terms of decorating. So I've organised with my dad that whilst he is at work on Monday I will finish all the decorating in the house so that he comes home to see it's all done and looks much more cosy. 

Hopefully that might boost his mood and if that is one of the contributing factors to his depression that should be fixed in a sense.

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## Hereforyou

That****

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## Paula

Just be careful he wont think its the father in law passing comment on his ability to do the decorating ...... would it perhaps be an idea to talk to him about it first?

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## Hereforyou

My dad has helped us out with alot of decorating in the past, he's normally fine with it apart from thinking he doesn't do as good a job as him. 

He would know I organised everything and hopefully be cheerful about that.

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## Suzi

I'd still mention it though tbh...

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## Hereforyou

Do you not think it would be a nice surprise?

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## Jaquaia

He might see it as a nice surprise but depression isn't always rational. He could see it as a reflection on himself as Suzi said.

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## Paula

I really think itd be safer ....

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## Hereforyou

I've mentioned it vaguely so hopefully that'll help him..!

He went out with his friend last night, he said he had a good time and told his friend about his depression. I am glad he did. He was crying this morning though saying he feels messed up. I feel so sad for him.

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## Suzi

It's brilliant that he is telling friends. It's not an easy conversation for him to have had.

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## Hereforyou

I am pleased he's telling his close friend. 

He's also going to do his hobby tomorrow, which he says he is excited for so I am pleased about that too. 

It still concerns me that he is saying he's messed up and confused though, I feel it's just with me.

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## Suzi

Which hobby? It's not just you, it'll be loads of things - but you know the old saying about pushing away the ones we love the most? That's about right....

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## Paula

I know we keep saying it, lovely, but its just going to take time. It sounds like hes starting doing things he hasnt been able to cope with for a while, so theres improvement already  :):

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## Hereforyou

Paintball.. He said that it was annoying him too but he said he's excited to go tomorrow..! 

I hope so, it's just so hard, we were very affectionate and now there's nothing at all, I ask for a cuddle every now and again and it's just like he can't be bothered. Hearing him say he's confused all of the time is so upsetting. 

My brother wldoesnt understand mental health very well and asked me if he's depressed because he's guilty about something or if his attentions have been drawn away by someone else. It upsets me so much because I can't stop myself having those feelings when people say them. My dad wants me to talk to my partner again next time he says he's confused and tell him it's not fair that he keeps leaving me in limbo, and that I am having all of these thoughts and feelings. 

I just don't want to rock the boat too much.

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## Suzi

My Mum told me to pack Marc's stuff and throw them out of the window if he "didn't buck up his ideas" or if I wouldn't move home..... Maybe you need to tell them to back off a bit?

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Paula (24-03-18)

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## Paula

I know they mean well but its your relationship, not theirs, and your future.

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Suzi (24-03-18)

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## Hereforyou

Yeah maybe.....

I just think they're seeing him fine with paintball, work and his friends and just miserable with me and our dog. They know how affectionate I am and how much this is breaking my heart. 

I don't know if going for a bit would be a good idea or not as I really feel like he's just miserable with me.

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## Suzi

I remember it well love - but actually for my husband it was more than at home he didn't feel that he needed to pretend....

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## Hereforyou

Hmm perhaps you're right, he has said that he's trying to "act normal and happy" because it may help him. 

I just feel so lonely in my relationship, I hate having to ask for a cuddle and feeling wrong for doing so.

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## Suzi

Have you told him this?

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## Hereforyou

Not in so many words... He just doesn't seem like he cares about how I feel... When I asked if he misses cuddles and kisses and stuff he said kind of but doesn't really want them.....

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## Suzi

Maybe you could tell him that you do miss them? Your feelings are just as valid. 

Do you think you can work through this? Remind me, is he on meds/having therapy?

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## Hereforyou

I've told him and he says he knows.

I don't know.... I just don't feel like he wants to be with me anymore.. He's been taking 20mg of Citalopram for 2 weeks.. He's still having the side effects of bad sleeping and a really bad tummy, everything he eats just goes straight through him. 

He hasn't started therapy yet and we are due to find out when he will start it. 

I told him that maybe he should go back to the doctors rega ring the side effects but he just said "why so they can give me more drugs that don't even work" so he's not feeling as though they're working.

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## Paula

They wont be working yet, please just keep reminding him of that. I know it seems forever but it does get better ...

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## Hereforyou

I try to..... I always try to constantly convince myself that too.........

I just want to cry... This is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with... It's hurts so much and I can't stop this king it's all my fault he's like this.......

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## Jaquaia

There's not always a reason for depression so try not to blame yourself. Do you have any support from people who will just quietly be there for you rather then advising you to move out/kick him out?

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## Suzi

If the side effects don't ease this week then please try to get him to go back to the Drs. Not each medication works for each person - every member of the mod/admin team alone all have found different meds at different doses to work best...

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## Hereforyou

It's really hard not to blame myself.. We went out today for some dinner and a movie to try and take him out of the house.. Earlier in the day he had been doing his hobby.. We talked alot about it and he seemed to genuinely light up talking about it.. Even laughed and smiled a little bit
.

As soon as it came to the end of the night though he seemed to go back to being miserable, especially when I told him I had a good time. All I got from him was "yeah" like he didn't enjoy himself with me but says he enjoyed himself at paintball. 

My parents are being supportive, my dad went through something similar with my mum. I think they're just concerned that he seems fine with everything else but just miserable with me and they're watching my heart break daily when I talk to them.

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## Paula

Have you heard about the Spoon Theory? https://butyoudontlooksick.com/artic...-spoon-theory/

Its possible that, by the time he got to the end of the evening, he was absolutely drained and that will take a toll on his mood. Maybe he would have coped better with dinner or a movie. He will want to push himself, I suspect, to prove hes ok, but that may not be the best thing for him.

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## Hereforyou

No I hadn't. Thank you.

Perhaps you're right... I just don't know what to think and feel anymore.. It's all so hard and I feel like I am being dragged along for a ride I can't get off of. 

He's throwing himself into his hobby, going again Friday and Sunday this week but doesn't seem to be at all different with me. He keeps saying how he is confused but he doesn't seem confused about anything else apart from me  :(:

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## Suzi

Sweetheart this seems to be tearing you apart. You sound totally sad and drained by it all.... Maybe you need to have a talk with him and tell him what you're telling us.

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## Hereforyou

I don't feel like I can talk to him about it.. He hates when I go on and on so unless he opens up about how he's feeling I don't want to talk about it all.

I feel like if he continues telling me he's confused about everything (when he doesn't seem confused about paintball or work) then I may have to tell him to go get space round his mum's.

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## Paula

Have you thought about writing him a letter explaining how you feel? Hunni, if he says hes only confused about you, thats probably because your relationship is what matters most to him, and what involves the strongest feelings. I cant say this enough, its still really early days with the treatment ....

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## Suzi

I completely agree with Paula. Are the side effects lessening at all for him?

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## Hereforyou

Yesterday I did his surprise for him.. He seemed a little overwhelmed but definitely liked it.. He broke down crying whilst I was showing him everything.. He said that he still feels terrible and it's beginning to creep up all the time.. He said when he was at paintball he just froze and begun thinking about his depression and how he had to tell some people as they noticed he wasn't himself.. Including his manager at work. He still doesn't know what's caused it and nothing seems to make him happy.. He then went on to say how he's making everyone miserable and feels awful about it... Despite telling him he wasnt making me miserable he told me he had overheard a conversation between me and my dad the other week where I told my dad I was really upset and how my dad was concerned about me..

Thankfully that prompted me in to telling him how I felt and why I said those things, that I feel as though he doesn't want me and wanted to end things. He didn't say much when I said those things but did he did say he loves me...

I told him it's early days and that we can get through it together.... He wanted to stop the conversation after a while so we did... 

The side effects don't seem to be lessening just yet.. I've told him to go back to the doctors but he has an appointment next week Friday so said he will just wait till then....

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## Suzi

Bless him! Everything he said could have been said by my husband when he was really poorly. I'm glad you managed to tell him how you are feeling etc 

Keep talking...

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## Hereforyou

Did your husband ever figure out what triggered his depression...

Thank you for your kind words and advice.. Is there anything I can do to help i.e. take him out or things like that..?

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## Suzi

Actually he's recently finished a very long and intensive course of psychotherapy and he and his therapist have worked out where it stems from. It's been long, hard and exceptionally painful journey and he's no where near through it. He's on a break "to let it all sink through and let him use the techniques" for a while until he starts counselling. 

With Marc we went out taking pictures which really helped as he's an awesome photographer. 
All you can do is sit and listen....

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## Hereforyou

I understand. Just have been a long and tough road for you guys. How long until you started to feel better in the relationship.?

At the moment I am just a bit upset about the lack of reassurance from him, I told him how I felt he didn't want me anymore and how I questioned if another woman was involved and he didn't say anything. Is it normal for them to not even bother to reassure you.?

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## Paula

If hes feeling anything like I did, its not about not bothering to reassure you, it may not be intentional. When Im ill I cant cope with emotionally charged conversations, at all. So the easiest way round that is avoidance - keep quiet and hope the conversation is over quickly itms

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## Suzi

Marc and I have been together for almost 19 years. We've had good times and bad times, but it's about getting the help and working through things together.

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## Hereforyou

Yeah you're probably both right.. It's just so lonely even sitting watching a film together.. He's got his back to me in a corner whereas normally we would be cuddled up together.. I feel bad for even wanting one and I certainly don't feel it's okay to get one.

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## Hereforyou

He said today that he feels lovely despite everyone being around him. He's being very negative and thinking he won't get better, calling himself broken and asking why I love a broken man. I've told him to start forcing himself to be positive and pinch himself when he is being negative. 

I am not sure what else to suggest..? Or try. 

I ask how I can help and he says he doesn't know, just that he feels nothing at all.

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## Suzi

When's his next Drs appointment? Can you go with him? I really think he needs to see them...

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## Hereforyou

It's the 6th April... He doesn't want me to go with him.. I've offered plenty of times and he's always said that he doesn't feel comfortable.....

He has a telephone assessment for therapy today... I hope that goes well..

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## Hereforyou

That previous post was meant to say lonely not lovely

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## Paula

How did the call go, do you know?

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## Suzi

It's fine to ask him how it went...

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## Hereforyou

He missed the call.. So will have to reschedule it on Tuesday after the bank holiday...

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## Suzi

Why did he miss it? Accidental or on purpose?

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## Hereforyou

Accidental.. He was at work at the time...

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## Suzi

Fair enough, hope he calls to rearrange.

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## Hereforyou

I hope so too.. I just want him to get better..! Still no progress at 3 weeks.. Although I did give him a cuddle in bed last night and he seemed to cuddle his back into me a bit more..! I am just so scared.....

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## Jaquaia

The meds need more time and then it's possible that he'll need a dosage adjustment

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## Hereforyou

I know people have said that thast they take between 6 to 8 weeks to start affecting him, if he needs a dosage adjustment how would that impact when he starts to feel better..?

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## Jaquaia

It generally takes the same length of time for dose changes to work too I'm afraid. It's not a quick fix but the right medication can save lives.

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## Suzi

I completely agree with everything Jaq's said.

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## Hereforyou

I know it isn't... Sadly he's wanting one.... I wish I knew what to say when he's feeling low and telling me he's fed up.. I just wish I knew what could even help....

If the meds haven't started to improve things by now is it likely he will need a dosage adjustment..??

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## Suzi

We're not medically qualified to answer that one lovely. That's down to his GP to sort with him. The GP might even suggest a complete change of medication if he's still having bad side effects...

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## Paula

I dont always want my hubby to say something when Im low, mostly I need hugs

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## Hereforyou

He says he doesnt feel anything at all when I hug him.. So I don't even think that helps....

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## Paula

Dont give up, just knowing you love him is enough at the moment, even if he doesnt feel it

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Flo (01-04-18)

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## Flo

I had a bad bout of depression 2 years ago and all my husband could do was hug me. I could hardly string a sentence together let alone talk to him. I didn't see my daughter or grandchildren because I felt so numb - this is someone that can talk the hind legs off a donkey! All you can do is be there for him and give him a cuddle. Don't take his lack of conversation or intimacy personally. A lot of people with depression withdraw. The poor old brain can't handle much at all. It's frustrating that AD's take such a long time to kick in. And yes, he may need to have a dosage changed. But he'll get there in the end. It's a horrible thing to have, and even more horrible for partners to witness when they feel powerless to help. But it's not YOU. Everything crossed that he starts to feel better soon. Just keep loving him.

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## Suzi

Paula and Flo are right. It's tough, but you can do it...

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## Hereforyou

Thank you all so much.... I am so happy I found this forum.. Just to hear that people have gone through the same and come out the other side is so positive and keeps me feeling optimistic...

We went out with another couple last night and we had a really good time... He does seem to be less withdrawn and much more talkative and comfortable.. He even begun talking about our future again yesterday which makes me want to cry tears of joy....

It really really is tough..  Every time he cries and says he's fed up and wants to give up it breaks my heart... A couple of days ago he said he didn't think he could do it anymore and I just sat there telling him how strong he is and how he can beat this and get better.. How he has fought worse than this and got through it... I am trying to keep him strong even if I don't particularly feel strong myself... 

The side effects also have seemed to wind down in the recent couple of days too.. He seems to be sleeping better (perhaps helped by the fact I bought us a super thick and soft mattress topper) and doesn't seem to have to run to the toilet after every meal.. He does still have a bad tummy when he goes but it's not as urgent anymore thankfully....

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## Flo

Him sleeping better will help a lot. Even if he fancies a nap during the day when time allows. The weather isn't going to be all that great but a bit of a walk, fresh air and things to see can help too. The new mattress topper sounds lovely!! :(wasntme):

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## Hereforyou

Yeah I always let him nap when he feels he needs it.. I only ever wake him up when dinner is ready or we need to go out etc.. I am hoping things start to make a progressive turn... I certainly miss the old days but I am keeping positive that they will return soon enough....

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## Suzi

I'm so glad you are both talking. It really will help. I'm so glad that the side effects seem to be lessening too.

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## Hereforyou

Yeah I am glad he's talking to me too.. I am just trying to do really nice things for him and letting him feel loved..

Like last night I ran him a bath and while he was having a bath I set up the living room with candles and little snacks and blankets so he could come in and relax... Granted I know that's not going to fix things but I just want him to feel a little more like there's good things for him to focus on....

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## Hereforyou

When we went out Saturday night he had gotten a bit drunk... He was more touchy feely and even gave me a proper kiss... I know I sound like I am a teenager but it's been so long since he has kissed me like that and it was just nice... He was drunk when he did it and didn't remember it the following day but I was glad that I at least got a kiss....

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## Suzi

YAY!!!

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## Hereforyou

Gutted he had to be drunk to do it and he's forgotten that he done it but small victories I guess... He still doesn't want much physical interaction when he's sober and seems to pull away or get frustrated when I ask if I can cuddle him.. I think stopping myself from pulling back and being cold with him is the hardest part...

It sounds terrible but my birthday is coming up and I am really dreading it... At the moment I don't feel like his partner at all so I am dreading feeling like this on my birthday at the end of the month...

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## Paula

Have you planned anything for your birthday?

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## Suzi

Make sure you plan something to do to make you feel good on your birthday lovely....

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## Hereforyou

No I haven't... Normally he plans something and then my parents plan something so I tend not to bother..  

My dad asked him yesterday and he seemed to have an idea of what he wants to do.. But I'd rather do nothing if it's just going to be difficult or lonely.....

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## Paula

Can you plan to do something with a girl friend? Lunch out or something?

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## Hereforyou

Yeah I can do I guess...

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## Hereforyou

All progress has gone out the window... Feeling a little low today as it's period time and it's making me a bit teary especially with all that's going on.. I told my partner I had period pain (which I did have) and that's why I was crying and he kept trying to ask me if I wanted tablets and stuff... I didn't want to and he kept asking why so in the end I just said I am just feeling a bit emotional because that's how periods make us women feel and he asked if it was because of him...

I said no it's not at all and he asked if I would tell him if he wasn't messed up.. I told him he wasn't messed up abdbhe said he was and he's miserable.. I said that he's not been miserable the last couple of days and he said he's been doing his hardest to smile lately and it's doing his head in pretending to be fine and he went out to get something for dinner....

Now I feel like crap.....

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## Suzi

I would  :O:

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## Paula

Actually, Id say that was significant progress. The fact hes actually telling you what hes been thinking is, imho, a great step forward for you both

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## Suzi

ahh we cross posted! 
I think that he's talking to you and he's trying the "fake it till you make it" thing - which can actually help, but it's exhausting to try to pretend. I think he's doing brilliantly by actually talking!

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## Hereforyou

Do you think so.. He's always told me vaguely what's wrong.. But he said he's trying to put a smile on his face to not make everyone miserable...

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## Suzi

I think it's a positive step forward!

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## Hereforyou

I hope so... I was feeling so optimistic and then that happened and I wasn't.... 

He's so hung up on what caused it and I keep telling him not to focus on that because he may never know.... And I told him that he expects me to take his word for it that he loves me when he's not acting like it so he needs to take my word for it when I say it's not him....

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## Suzi

Is not that easy lovely. I wish it was, but it just isn't...

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## Hereforyou

What do I do then  :(:  ..?

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## Paula

Its easier said than done but you need to give it some time. Its still really early days and, from what youve said, there has been a little improvement so there's hope ....

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## Hereforyou

I really want to.... I felt like there was progress too but he doesn't think there has been any..

This morning he looked so sad going to work.. It looked like he might cry.. I am not sure if that's because he's had a break and doesn't want to now go back or if that's because I was home again and he didn't want to go in but be just looked so sad.. I wish I could take all of his pain away.....

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## Hereforyou

How do I stop the feelings that I am making him frustrated..?

Today he seemed okay-ish until later on in the evening.. I went to go and give him a cuddle and as I was about to he just went "oh please don't" and I asked what and he said he thought I was going to attack him (play fight, something we haven't done in month ... It left me feeling really turned away so I just left to walk our dog... 

When I came back he seemed fine again and then he started to get a bad belly so it was back to being frustrated.. I was asking if there's anything I can do or get him only to be met with a frustrated sounding "no" .. Then when we were laying in bed he told me how he's fed up with this side effects of his tummy and I asked him if he wanted a cuddle and he said yes but I noticed him moving so I asked if he wanted me to move and he replied again with a frustrated no..!

I said to him that I was sorry if I was frustrating him but didn't even get an acknowledgement back  :(:  ...

I hate feeling like I have to ask for a cuddle (because he would never give me one) and I hate giving him a cuddle feeling like he just doesn't want me to... 

Should I pull back and just leave all physical intimacy alone..??

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## Flo

He sounds as if he's doing the best he can bless him under the circumstances. And so are you. He's aware that you're struggling too. You're doing what every other loving partner would do. Trying to make things better and licking his wounds for him. Not only is he coping with the depression but the anxiety that accompanies it will be heightened too hence the reason I expect why he said "please don't" when you went to cuddle him! Something as silly as a teaspoon dropping on the kitchen floor can be enough to make us jump out of our skin! I'm sure that in time you'll have the old boyfriend back. And it does take time. Try and understand that it's not your fault. It's not his either! What are the chances of you getting out for a while with a few friends? Even if it's to meet up for a drink or a coffee and lunch? The last thing you want is to go down hill yourself. As for intimacy......I recall that the last thing I wanted was sex, especially feeling like a bag of  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ! :(giggle):  Don't give yourself a hard time and think you're being rejected. In time things will get better. All you have to do is be there for him....the rest will take care of itself. It's a shame that his stomach is playing up so much. Maybe he could go back to the doc and mention it. He might be able to give him something. Hang on in there Herry! (mind if I call you that?...hereforyou is a bit of a mouthful!)  :Panda:

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## Suzi

I don't know what the right thing to do is, but I tried backing off completely and I hated it. I think that you have to acknowledge what you want in your relationship too. If he's struggling fair enough, but you deserve to be acknowledged too. 
How long has he been on the meds? If he's still struggling with the bad side effects, it might be worth going back and speaking to his Dr - maybe see if he'd allow you to go in with him, to fill in the parts from your point of view too? I know my husbands GP really liked that we went together... Even if you just wait outside, going and telling someone how you are feeling - intimate details that boys are conditioned out of talking about - is tough...

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## Hereforyou

Flo, he certainly does, I will be honest he deserves credit for the fact that he is trying, he is trying to "fake it till he makes it" as someone said before and he has been really good at taking his tablets despite feeling like they're not working and that the side effects are causing him more additional grief (his words not mine). 

He says that the reason he said "please don't" was because he thought I was going to "play fight" with him (which is admittedly something I would do in normal circumstances) and he wasn't in the mood for that, which is fair enough. I am trying really hard to not blame myself, it's just so difficult when he feels so distant from me. 

A HUGE part of me is absolutely petrified of getting hurt and just wants to leave and protect my heart and my feelings, convincing me that he's just being funny with me because he isn't in love with me anymore and doesn't want to stay with me. 

I am back at work today so thankfully it should be much easier to take my mind off of things and enjoy some time away from him. I am also going to the gym sand doing exercise more frequently to just make myself feel better and more positive about myself. 

I miss the intimacy massively, I hate having to question if I should or can cuddle him, if he is enjoying the cuddle, if I am allowed to cuddle him, it's just so disheartening. I know what you mean Suzi, but as I am quite an affectionate person I don't want to be too much or too pushy. 

We are due to be going away for one night on Saturday as part of his hobby (paintball) as he has a tournament this weekend, the first of the year, and I am due to go with him, I am really nervous about it if I am honest, and with him not booking the tickets to go it's making me nervous that he doesn't want me to actually go now. I've asked him and he just says he doesn't mind, whereas before all of this he made several points about how it upsets him that I don't go with him. 

Whilst the other part of me is saying that he had his chance to leave and he didn't, he still talks about a future with you and still cares about how you feel so he does still love you, and to believe in what he says when he says he loves me and doesn't want me to go. It's like a battle of my own demons to push the negative feelings aside and every time he doesn't cuddle me or gives me a lousy kiss (like this morning when he just kissed under my nose instead of my lips) they can't help but resurface. 

Hahaha yes that's fine, my name is Becky if that helps :-) ... 

He's been on the meds for 4 weeks tomorrow, he was due to go to the doctors on Friday but apparently the doctor he normally sees isn't in so they have rescheduled it for the following week so Friday 13th instead as he doesn't want to keep seeing different doctors. I've mentioned to him that he should tell the doctor as he told them before but they said that it should get better when the meds get into his system. 

I've offered to go with him to the doctors but he says he doesn't feel comfortable me being there too, I am really not sure why :-( .....

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## Paula

He might feel constrained if youre with him at the doctors - maybe that he wont be able to say things about his state of mind in front of you. However, as a compromise, maybe you can ask if you could go in for a couple of minutes to tell the doctor about the changes in your relationship and how its affecting you. Then leave the room so he can talk in private.

As for the paint balling, maybe itd do you both good to have some space - maybe you should consider not going?

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## Flo

It's early days yet. AD's take quite a while to kick in. When they do it'll be a relief for him and you. Don't beat yourself up about all of this B. I'm sure none of this is personal. Have faith! There are a lot of poor souls that battle this illness alone with no one to support and love them. He has you. You need to look after you too don't forget. Take it a day at a time, that's all you can do. I'm sure it'll come right in the end. Have a good day at work! :(bear): 

^^^^ exactly what Paula says!

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## Hereforyou

Perhaps.. It concerns me that he feels he can't be open and honest with me though... 

I suppose I could ask but I am not sure he will want that or be tha t forthcoming..

To be perfectly honest, he's been the last couple of times without me as it's training so I don't go to that, but he has moaned and groaned for months about how I don't go to the tournament's to support him and even his new boss is going and he's only been around for a short while..  So me going was my way to show that I've listened to what he said and I am trying to change... 

But now I've just asked my brother (the team captain) how much I owe for the room and apparently he hasn't even told my brother I am going so no room has even been booked for me and he's apparently sharing with someone else.. I feel absolutely gutted :'( .. It things like this that just make me want to go home later and pack a bag to stay at my mum's for a few days because he constantly makes me feel crappy and unwanted.......

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## Paula

Not being able to be open and honest is a usual state of affairs with anyone with a MH illness, its not personal. As for the paint balling, memory problems are also normal so it may just be he forgot to tell your brother. Im not making excuses for him, hunni, but I am suggesting you dont jump to conclusions about his behaviour. Ask him ......

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## Hereforyou

Yeah I can understand him not wanting to open up but that's just making me concerned that it's because of how he feels about me  :(:  ... 

He's always had a problem with remembering stuff.. But he was talking to my brother about it literally only a couple of days ago.. This is exactly why I feel like crap.. Because he says one thing and acts like another....

I want to go to support him and show him that I am trying too but now I just feel like walking away again...

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## Suzi

Only you can decide what to do... I know how hard it is to be the partner to someone with depression - but I also know how hard it is for those with depression to break through the darkness to function at all.....

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Flo (04-04-18)

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## Hereforyou

Yeah I guess... I am just so lonely and insecure because of it all... 

I told him that maybe he needs go to the doctors and he didn't seem impressed by that...

I asked him about this weekend (which has now been cancelled due to weather) and he said he just forgot and didn't realise until today....

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## Suzi

It sounds to me as if he really does love you but is trying to fight that "I'm not good enough for her" evil weevil and all the other negativity that depression throws at you.... Sweetheart I know it's hard - believe me I really, truly do and I'm not making excuses for him at all... but if you want to make this work then a lot of it comes down to patience and a lot of talking and even more listening. 
I know that sounds like a really sh(t answer and isn't giving you an answer, but it's the best I've got and I've been with Marc for 19 years.... It isn't always this hard....

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## Hereforyou

I really hope you're right.. This guy was the man I envisaged marrying.. I genuinely had never been happier than when I was with him..

I am trying to be patient and listen.. A huge proportion of it is my insecurities playing up right now.. Like you say though it is really hard... 

We watched a film together again tonight.. I asked if I could move a pillow but his arm wasn't comfy.. I tried my luck and said that he could put it around me if he liked and he did.. We sat through a large portion of the film having a cuddle which was wonderful... Towards the end he did get hot and bothered and his stomach started to play up so he started to get irritable and talk rudely to me... I told him not to do that as I didn't appreciate it.. 

But I was happy that he gave me a cuddle..........

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## Paula

You did the right thing. Its one thing being patient and understanding but you shouldnt accept rudeness or nasty behaviour

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Flo (05-04-18)

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## Suzi

That's really good! A hug and you were completely right to not tolerate nastiness. That's just being an arse and has nothing to do with depression...

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Flo (05-04-18)

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## Hereforyou

No I wouldn't accept it.. I know it's him just being irritable and moody rather than anything else..... 

Yeah I am really pleased about the hug.. Granted I had to ask if he wants to and I was concerned that he was doing it to please me rather than because he wanted to... 

But he could have said no.....

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## Suzi

You sound like you are overthinking that one. If it's a hug, then take it  :O:

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## Hereforyou

I over think every little thing haha.. That's me all over.... 

I'll take the hug.. I was really happy I got one anyway..

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## Suzi

Good!

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## Hereforyou

He went round to his mum's yesterday... He didn't want me to go with with him because he didn't want to stay long.. Didn't end up coming home until gone 11pm so by the time he came home I didn't really talk to him or see him as he was tired....

I had a really bad day at work yesterday.... I wanted nothing more than a cuddle from the man I love and him to cheer me up like he normally does.. Instead he came home.. Sat on the sofa and exchanged stories of how our day went and I told him I had a bad day... Didn't really get much from him sadly...

We went to bed and whilst in bed I said to him "I know you probably don't want to but I've had a really bad day and I could do with a cuddle", he opened his arm to say come here then and that was that....

I laid there crying for a bit while he was asleep.. I feel so lonely and sad in my own relationship...

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## Paula

Oh hunni, Im sorry youre so sad, but he did cuddle you - he is trying by the sounds of it

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## Suzi

I adore my husband, but if I'm telling him I've had a bad day or something's wrong he never thinks about giving me a hug - I ask or just manhandle my way in there  :O:  Maybe it's a bit of a "my head's so preoccupied dealing with this that I just don't think about it, but don't mean it personally" kind of thing?

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## Hereforyou

Thanks Paula and Suzi... He did give me a cuddle yes which was nice.....

Yesterday was an awful day.. I was still feeling very down about work they're making things personally about me) so didn't wake up feeling great...  

By the sounds of it he didn't wake up feeling great either.. He asked me what was wrong and I told him I was still really upset about work and off I went to walk the dog.. He then went downstairs to ask my nanna if I was upset and if it was because he went to his mum's the night before.. I have no idea why he couldn't just accept that work upset me as it has been an issue multiple times in the past...

I cooked him breakfast and was fine with him until he started accusing me of interrogating him by asking about his day yesterday.... His work colleague phoned and mentioned that he was due to go out whilst at his mum's so I just asked about that as he didn't mention it to me.... Albeit he didn't go but I asked if that's why he didn't want me to go to his mum's with him as he wanted to go out.. That obviously annoyed him and he started getting the ump...

That eventually transcended into an argument sadly as he was being unfair and of course I wanted to defend myself...

A majority of the day was spent arguing as he typically took everything I was saying as a negative.. I told him that he keeps pushing me away which probably wasn't the best thing... I went round to my parents to see my nephews whilst he was out and he wasn't too happy about that.. He thought I had left him and wasn't going to come home for the night.. 

I asked him if he can handle a relationship right now and if he would prefer to just be friends for a bit and that upset him too.. He said he's going to see his friends in the hope that they can cheer him up because he still doesn't feel anything and still feels miserable... But he enjoyed the moment when we cuddled etc but only while the moment lasted and nothing else...... 

I had a bit of a chance to say how I was feeling which makes me feel a bit better.. It most probably didn't help him to hear them but I think he needed to hear them...

He said some hurtful things about how he's got depression whilst being with me and how living with me isn't helping.. But then back tracked and said how nothing is helping.. I asked if he things I've caused his depression and he said how if it was me he would have got it at the start of our relationship and not now and how if he knew what it was he would fix it...

I told him that he means the world to me and that I loved him and he said he knows but he doesn't feel like he means the world to me...

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## Suzi

Rowing isn't going to help anyone. He shouldn't say things which are hurtful or unfair - but you becoming really defensive is only going to make things worse - I know how hard it is, but you have to be able to say "I'm really not in a position to talk to you about this calmly right now" and walk away....

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## Hereforyou

No I know you're right.. It wasn't my intention at all but I was super upset and stressed with work and he defintely made me feel worse...

All was for gotten about after last night and today he seemed pretty good.. Whilst we were washing up and drying up together he said how he feels like crap.. At first I thought he meant because he had ate too much so mentioned that but he said he meant his head... I told him I wouldn't probe but I'll listen if he wants to talk.... He said how he still feels rubbish.. I told him that he seemed really good today and he said he's trying to be normal but he still doesn't feel anything... I told him he must feel something as when he thought I had left and offered my parents to look after pur dog both times made him sad.. He said he guesses but he's not sure if that's because he knows he loves us not because he feels anything right now... 

I think he does want to talk but I genuinely don't think he knows how to.. He thinks this is all his weakness and that's why he shouldn't mean the world to me  :(:  ....

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## Suzi

That's pretty much what Marc said to me - that he knew he had loved me and our children, that he didn't see why that would have changed, but that he didn't feel anything at that point... 

How long has he been on the meds? Has he seen the dr about a review at all? Is he still having side effects?

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## Hereforyou

I am glad I am not the only one then....

He's been on them for 1 month and 3 days.. Not yet, he was due to see him on Friday last week (6th) but the doctor cancelled and rescheduled for the 13th....

He is yes, the digestive problems seem to be less bad but they are still there I.e. he still gets the tummy pain and has more frequent visits but defintely not as bad.

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## Suzi

I really think he should see the Dr asap as he really shouldn't be getting those side effects over 4 weeks into it- most negative side effects should be out of his system by about 2 weeks...

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## Hereforyou

Oh really, I thought sometimes that was just it and he would get side effects full stop... 

I know he will be seeing the doctor Friday and will tell him then.. Perhaps I can mention about going to see him earlier..

I mentioned to him about a free community con selling service yesterday and he seemed open to the idea rather than point blank refusing it.. Which is positive...

I am trying to read up on depression as much as possible to try to understand what he's feeling.. There are a lot of mixed messages about the antidepressants and recovery.. The thing that scares me most about reading these stories though is that some people seemed to have told their loived ones that they're better off without them.....  

I am truly hopeful that he doesn't start to think that....

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## Suzi

Yes that's true, but not in all cases.

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## Hereforyou

I hope it doesn't happen in our case  :(:  .....

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## Suzi

I hope so too....

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## Paula

I didnt  :):

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## Hereforyou

It's great to know you guys have struggled too but made it through the other side...... 

I am trying to stay really positive but it's hard when he's constantly shutting me down.. Sometimes I do feel it's best for me to completely pull away and just be physically there myself and not emotionally.. Other times I don't want to make him feel worse...

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## Suzi

I know it's hard lovely, but this is something you are going to have to talk about with him - maybe write him a letter or email?

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## Hereforyou

I've mentioned it him on Saturday.......

I am just not sure what to think with him anymore.. Like last night I sort of left him to it and laid away from him on the sofa... I grabbed our dog off the floor and started to cuddle him on the sofa.. He moved over to us on the sofa and started to stroke and cuddle the dog while he was in my arms...... Whenever the dog wasn't in my arms though he didn't cuddle him or love closer... My dad thinks that maybe he wanted to get closer but couldn't or was unsure... 

I also didn't say goodnight or love you when we went up to bed.. Or love you this morning... But on both occasions he said it himself....

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## Suzi

I think your Dad is probably right..

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## Hereforyou

Perhaps..  I don't understand why he didn't just get closer then.....

Today when he came back from work it was great.. Joking and play fighting.. Being a bit flirty even too... Then he fell asleep and when I woke him up for his dinner he snapped at me.... Trying extremely hard to stay calm.....

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## Suzi

Depression is exhausting.... Try to be patient..

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## Paula

> Perhaps..  I don't understand why he didn't just get closer then.......


Low self esteem, physically struggling with touch, not believing you want him, believing youre better off without him, nerves on edge, feeling guilty, being irritable, low sex drive.  All/any of these, and more, could be why. Sweetheart, it so hard to control any of these feelings and symptoms. It sounds to me like hes trying. You may have to expect less for now while he recovers.

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## Hereforyou

Yes perhaps you're both right... I just hate it when he's snappy with me....

What should j be doing to help those feelings and symptoms..??

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## Paula

Give him space and time

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## Hereforyou

Okay.. So don't try cuddle him or anything..? I asked him if he wants me to stop all of that and he said no...??

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## Suzi

Sweetheart, if you want to give him a hug, give him a hug.. Don't stop being you. He's with you because he loves you - not some watered down version of you. You matter too.

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## Hereforyou

I just don't want to push it....

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## Suzi

I understand that and it's a really tough thing to gauge, but you can - you know him and you very obviously love him...

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## Hereforyou

Last night was very strange... Before we went to sleep he was saying how he felt like he was coming down with something and wasn't feeling too well.. So I gave him some paracetamol.. 

Just before we went to bed he started to complain about a tight and heavy chest and painful when he takes a deep breath... Not too long after going to sleep he started to have a very vivid and bad sounding dream.. Eventually he woke up in a panic and state of fear saying "oh no not again" ..

Apparently he had a bad dream that he used to have very many years ago (5+ years ago) about being in a "war zone" if you like (he described it as something out of independence day the film) where all of his best friends and some family members can be seen harmed and unresponsive... This time however he only saw a small number of people and they were his 3 best friends.. He also describes having someone with him in the dream saying that they're there and they're helping him but he doesn't know who it is as the voice doesn't sound real..

We laid there together for a while as he explained this dream to me and explained how it made him feel.. I suggested that perhaps he start keeping a mood diary to see if there was a pattern to how he feels in the day and when he gets these dreams so that he can show the therapist.. He said that was a good idea and agreed to do it... He said thast he had felt particularly irritated yesterday and wanted to start a fight with someone.. When he got home however he didn't want tok to that anymore which was good...

After some time we begun talking about other generic things.. I gave him a cuddle and we held each other for a bit.. He smelt my hair then kissed my forehead... 

I started to stroke his back (it was always something he liked and that relaxed him) and he asked me to carry on as he fell asleep...

This morning as we were both getting up for work I sat up and laid back down with my hand next to him and he moved his leg on top of my hand so I held his leg before getting up to work...

It was wonderful to feel so close to him again........

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## Suzi

It's amazing that he's opened up to his vulnerability to you lovely. That's a massive step forward. I'm glad he's going to keep a mood and dream diary. That's another massive step.

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## Hereforyou

Yeah it was really lovely to lay there and just hear him talk without him feeling angry or sad.... 

Yeah I am really pleased.. I didn't think he would be comfortable with it at first but he seemed open to the idea which is a positive... And of course it was wonderful to cuddle up and get a kiss.... It made me feel so good especially where he didn't have to but chose to....

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## Suzi

I'm pleased for you.

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## Hereforyou

Thank you.....

This evening though I did come downstairs to find him just cuddling out dog on the sofa looking awfully sad and sorry for himself...

I didn't pry and just said if he wants to talk he can or if he wants to get... I asked if he wanted a hug or for me to go upstairs and leave him to it and he said no to both...

After some time he seemed to go back to being cheerful  :(:  ....

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## Suzi

Sweetheart could you be pushing him too hard to talk every day? Talking about what's in your head is incredibly exhausting - maybe next time just see if he wants a cuppa? If you keep stopping and asking him if he wants a hug or something then it's drawing more attention to the fact that he's probably feeling rubbish....

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S deleted (12-04-18)

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## Hereforyou

Perhaps..  I just want him to know he can tall if he wants to.. We haven't really spoken about anything and he hasn't seemed sad since Sunday so that's when it was last brought up... 

I am just not sure what's the best for him...

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## Suzi

Maybe talk about random stuff too?

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## Hereforyou

Yeah we've been doing that and when we do he seems fine...

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## Suzi

Then maybe try that for a while?

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## Hereforyou

Try what.. Talking about generic things..? We do that everyday.. That's why I feel like he's being fine at times...

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## Paula

Sweetie, just try being relaxed and normal around him, everyday things are really absolutely fine.  Look at it this way, if he had cancer, would he want to cope with you constantly asking if hes in pain, what he needs you to do etc?

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## Hereforyou

Yeah I guess you're right... It's just so hard knowing what right and wrong....

I think for the most part I am being normal.. Although there are times when I dont feel I can... Normally I'd be affectionate and hug him when he gets in from work.. And snuggle up to him when we watch a film or go to bed.. But right now I am too scared to do any of that.....

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## Suzi

You shouldn't be scared of it at all...

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## Hereforyou

But he doesn't want me to.....

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## Suzi

Sorry, he doesn't want you to ?

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## Hereforyou

Doesn't want me to be as affectionate with him as I normally would be.. We were always an affectionate couple ...

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## Suzi

But you don't have to always be... He's not saying never, just not as much right now...

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## Hereforyou

Yeah you're probably right....

He was very upset this morning.. His tummy is really bad today and he's probably having a low day.. He gave me a really tight cuddle and didn't really want to let go.. He's feeling so bad about thijngs and making himself get even worse... I feel terrible for him...

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## Suzi

When's his Dr's appointment?

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## Hereforyou

He went today.. The doctor has increased his dosage from 20 to 40mg .. Given him sleeping tablets and is doing a full bloody count and stool sample to see why he's had rapid weight loss and is having tummy problems... He's also referring him for anger management...

He's having a very bad day today.. Very down and sullen......

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## magie06

I think that happens to me when I go to my doctor too. I get very anxious before it and while waiting to go in, and when I come out I'm just really tired and definitely not very good company.

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## Hereforyou

Admittedly he's been like that since yesterday evening...... Perhaps it's the knowledge of the doctors appointment today....

I am glad the doctor seems to be taking a lot of notice of what's going on with him.. He seems to be quite interested in him....

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## Jaquaia

He needs to be aware that the dosage increase will take time to get into his system

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## Hereforyou

Yeah I think the doctor mentioned it taking another 2 weeks.... 

He hasn't started them yet as he takes them first thing and he's already taken one today...

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## Suzi

It sounds like his Dr is on the case and is checking on him which is brilliant. He's probably exhausted....

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## Hereforyou

Yeah the doctor actually does seem really good..  Even said to him that he may have been depressed for longer than he realises which I personally agree with...

I am really hopeful that once he starts to sleep better he may start to improve... He's been really good these last couple of days.. He's seemed his normal self.. He still feels like they're not working or helping.. And I am not sure if he feels like that because he's still being negative........

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## Suzi

Sweetheart he isn't going to be better in a couple of weeks. He didn't get this poorly that quickly and it'll take time for him to get better and more stable....

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## Hereforyou

Of course not.. I know that myself.. It's him that's struggling with the length of time it's taking...

But I am trying to help him try to be positive a tiny bit by saying these last couple of weeks he had seemed less miserable....

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## Suzi

Maybe trying to give him space to think about something else rather than his mood might help - maybe suggest going for a walk together with a camera or doing something completely different? A game or something?

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## Hereforyou

Most of the time we do things to take his mind off of his mood.. We go to the gym daily.. We eat dinner together... We walk our dog... It was just yesterday with him being so down that it came up again.. It's not something we talk about daily.. Only when he seems to want to talk about it and I certainly don't want to brush away his feelings or close him down if/when he wants to talk....

Just out of curiosity... Does anyone have any experience with something similar when it comes to the medication..? He was given 20mg of Citalopram that he feels weren't working.. So now they have given him 40mg of Citalopram... Has that ever worked for anyone.. A stronger dosage of the same medication...?

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## Suzi

Yes it's very common to start on a lower dose then go back (often in a couple of weeks) to get a higher dose or a change in medication if the side effects are really bad.

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## Hereforyou

Does that work sometimes then..? Or is it just a formality..??

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## Suzi

Yes it often works...

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## Hereforyou

Fingers crossed then it works for him.. We've had a fun day so far.. Had a water fight together as the weather has been nice... And I bought him a l ittle treat with a note to say "because I love you" ......

Trying my hardest to do things to make him happy.....

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## Suzi

Sweetheart could you be trying too hard?

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## Hereforyou

Love you presents are a thing in our family... We often do things like that but admittedly I hadn't done it for a while....

Would it be a bad thing if I was trying too hard either way..?

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## Suzi

It might be a bit smothering?

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## Hereforyou

I see what you're saying.... 

I am not sure what to do then.. I am a very affectionate and caring person... I've toned down the affection and am trying not to be too much.... 

I just don't want to change who I am completely... I've toned things down a lot and am still trying to remain the pulled back but I am worried now that it's still too much....

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## Suzi

How about just be you?

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## Paula

Hunni, this is not a criticism, just a possible insight. Im a very, very affectionate, tactile person (which my teenager hates!). Yet when Im in crisis I find it very difficult to cope with affection, hugs etc. Thats not to say that my family have to completely stop showing me they love me, they, and their love for me, are the reason Im still here, just that they have learnt over the years what I can cope with, how much I can cope with and when they need to step back. Maybe thats something you and your OH are going to have to learn, together.

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## Hereforyou

I've toned it down quite a bit.. As much as I hate not being able to give him a hug in bed or a kiss goodnight I am trying to not overload him.... 

He hasn't said anything about how I am being and he's normally the type of person to do so.. I've asked him if he wants me to back off and stop it but he's said no.. I am just not sure what I am doing right or wrong...

I am just trying to be positive and cheerful... Stepping back with my affections but otherwise normal....

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## Suzi

Sweetheart he fell in love with you as you. Don't try to be someone else.

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S deleted (15-04-18)

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## Hereforyou

I am trying not to be..  But like you say I don't want to be smothering either.....

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## Suzi

Sweetheart you are going to drive yourself mad second guessing yourself and what you are doing all the time!

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## Hereforyou

You're very right yes... I am not entirely sure how to do any of this or how to act....

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## Suzi

Then just be you!! If he has an issue with anything let him tell you, give him some control back...

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S deleted (15-04-18)

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## Hereforyou

You're probably right...... 

Thank you ladies.. I never appreciated how hard this is until it happened to him... It's awful to hear him talk so badly about himself all the time...

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## Suzi

It's heartbreaking, but you just need to remember that it's you he fell in love with....

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## Hereforyou

I am so scared that he's just not in love with me anymore.....

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## Suzi

Oh sweetheart I know how you are feeling, I've been there.... But he hasn't said he doesn't has he? Give him the benefit right now?

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## Hereforyou

No he hasn't said that.. He hasn't said anything really to be honest... And he of course isn't acting like it (which I do understand) ...

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## Suzi

Trust him lovely....

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## Hereforyou

You're right....... 

I'll try...

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## Suzi

It's not easy, but he has to do this in his own way. Be yourself, do the things you like to do and don't lose "you" in the process

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## Hereforyou

Yeah I know what you mean... He does seem to be getting back to his normal self although he says he's doing it on purpose... I am glad he's trying at least...

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## Suzi

Trust me, he's trying. Depression is horrific...

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## Hereforyou

He gets a lot of credit in my book for trying.. He's doing so well with it.. Sometimes he doesn't even seem like he's ill with how hard he's trying to "act his normal self" ...... I am super proud of him for functioning so well...

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## Hereforyou

These last few days have been a bit tricky...

As mentioned before he seems to be putting on a brave face.. And when he does there are indications of his former self... Admittedly he had said before how he is doing it on purpose... Yesterday however he seemed "okay" ... However when the conversation came on to a holiday it turned negative.. We weren't talking about anything immediate or planning something but he mentioned his passport and I reminded him that it was running out and he should do it renew it soon as depending on where we go in the year he may need it to be valid for 3 months...

That proceeded on to him saying he thinks I should go on holiday with someone else this year.. When I asked why he said because he would be terrible company and that he didn't want to be miserable abroad.. I tried to reassure him that he wasn't terrible company now and wasn't miserable now and he said he's always miserable.. He began to want to cry but again tried to force it back.. I told him to just let it out and if he wants to cry to just do so.. Things took a turn for the worst when he started to have a panic attack when talking about "not getting better".. His hands started to go numb and he begun having difficulty breathing.. I held him as he sobbed into my chest and arms and tried to reassure him that he was strong enough to get better and that he has my support until the point he tells me he doesn't want me around anymore.. This prompted him to ask why I would think that but I reassured him I meant it in a generic way... He explained how exhausted he was and how fed up he was with not feeling any better with nothing making him happy and constantly feeling like crap...After some time he seemed to calm down and seemed to relax a little bit more..

Today.. I met him from work (I was in the area) with a small gift.. He wasn't too happy about me being so close to his work as he's in construction and fears that his colleagues will make inappropriate comments about me that will make him angry and with how he's feeling now will make him last out... 

As the night progressed... He agreed to make me my favourite meal that he cooks.. When I returned from walking the dog however his mood had seemed to shift.. I left him for a few hours before he begun to talk about how he feels crappy again and begun to cry.. He said that he feels he gets to a certain point at night where he feels that the tablets have worn off and he falls back into the "depressed" mood set... I said perhaps it's because he has put on a front all day and when he comes home he feels he can take it off.. He said possibly to that idea... 

When these times happen I am really not too sure what to say or do.. I try to reassure him that he's strong and able to beat this.. I ask what I can do to help bit aside from that I don't know what else to do or say... He still says he doesn't know what he feels or what he wants but says that he sometimes feels I smother him (when I kiss his forehead multiple times) but equally likes it when I hug him so doesn't want me to stop.. 

We've sat there in silence at times because I've asked him if he wants to just be silent for a bit.. To which he has agreed.. But he also wants me to stay near him when I offer to go upstairs..

I guess I am just a bit lost on what I can or should say/do when he's in these "down times" ...

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## Suzi

Can you try to persuade him to go back to the Drs to tell them what you've told us? Maybe they need to talk to him about medication or talking therapy too.... Definitely see if he will let you go in with him as you can help say things from your point of view too..

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## Hereforyou

As he's just changed over the medication dosage I suggested if he's not feeling an improvement in 2 weeks (when it settles into his system) that he goes back to the doctors.? 

I've offered to go plenty of times but he says he doesn't want me to....

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## Suzi

Is he still having side effects?

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## Paula

He doesnt want you to go in with him, but maybe he can be made to see that it's important for you both if you do?

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## Hereforyou

Yes but the doctor is running tests to determine if it's being caused from the antidepressants.. 

How can I make him see that..?

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## Suzi

Just say to him that you may be able to say how things seem to you to the Dr...

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## Hereforyou

I could try but I don't want to push things...

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## Suzi

Just saying that once isn't pushing things, it's just asking....

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## Hereforyou

Yeah I guess.. He was really nasty to me today so I've decided to pull back entirely now....

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## Paula

Nasty in what way?

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## Hereforyou

I was round the corner from where his construction site is yesterday so I thought I'd buy this gift he saw ages ago and meet him from work, go home together. He made me feel awful about the idea because apparently the people who saw us (his work colleagues) will start saying inappropriate things to him about me tomorrow (the below the belt kind in his words) and because he is feeling rather angry lately he will lash out..

I ended up apologising yesterday for going and he apologised for making me feel bad... This morning I then get an incredibly angry and rude text message telling me not to ever go to his work again.. Followed by a couple more angry messages.. In the end I just told him how he's unfair for purposely making me feel bad about it again and doing so while I was at work and completely being unappreciative of the gesture because his work colleagues had made it a big deal.. I told him if he was going to be nasty that he should just leave me alone and he did.. 

I left him to sulk for a few hours and went home to my parents instead to come home to find him sitting in silence on his own.. I am just going to leave him to it and pull back now I think...

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## Suzi

What kind of inappropriate comments were made by those he works with? On a construction site? Well the issue isn't with you its with them!

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## Hereforyou

Like how I am attractive and the types of things they would do to me, I am a relatively slim lady with "womanly" assets if that makes sense so mostly comments about those and so on....

No the issue was entirely with them but he made me feel dreadful about it...

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## Suzi

My Dad used to be a chippie, then worked up to a site engineer after years as a site manager. I know how sites can be.... Did you know that he didn't want you to go to his work?

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## Hereforyou

I knew that he didn't want me to meet him at his work to go for something to eat after.. Unless I took him a change of clothes as he wouldn't have felt comfortable.....

When he was working round the corner from where I worked he used to meet me and we used to go home together.. But apparently that was okay because I wasn't in front of the site and I wasn't dressed as nicely....

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## Suzi

So you knew that he wasn't comfortable with you dressing nicely near his site? And you took him a present which could have resulted in him being teased etc? I can see why he was upset if you knew it was an issue for him...

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## Hereforyou

I dress nicely in general.. I am not a "jeans and a t-shirt" type of person so anywhere I go I try to look my best....

He said he wouldn't have been comfortable going out for dinner after work together as he would be wearing his work uniform covered in muck and I would look nice but said if I took him clothes it wouldn't be an issue because he would also look nice...

I don't understand why the present would have resulted in him being teased..? It was a mug from the disney store and it was in a shopping bag so it's not like I got him a teddy or something and no one saw it.. I also wasn't standing right outside the site I was just down the road from it.....

I didn't know me just being there in general would be an issue but I did know dinner after work without a change of clothes would be... That's not what I did though and I certainly don't think it warrants him being abusive and aggressive 2 days in a row and sulking..... 

I also don't even see why it's an issue in the first place.. He should be proud of me if that's the case...

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## Paula

Is this something youd done before? If not, could he potentially have seen this as you being provocative?

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## Suzi

Building sites are notoriously difficult and I know that my Dad never wanted Mum anywhere near them.... I am sure that's he is proud of you, but there is a difference between that and having other men letch over you...

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## Hereforyou

I've met him from work before and it's never been an issue.. Albeit it wasn't right outside of the site but I've still met him from work..

I can somewhat understand why he didn't want me there but I don't think it was fair for him to speak to me in such a way and to continue to make me feel bad despite apologising the day before.... And completely disregard the fact I tried to do something nice in the first place.... 

He's still sulking even now... Left this morning without so much of a hug or kiss or even a "love you".. I ignored him because I was upset with being spoken to so badly and he ignored me because his work colleagues made him feel bad...

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## Jaquaia

No, being abusive and aggressive 2 days in a row isn't on, but I think you need to try and see it from his point of view. 

It isn't a case of him not being proud of you. I will admit that I have it easier than you as me and my partner both have depression and anxiety so we both understand how bad it can get for the other, and of course, I'm only guessing based on my own experiences so I could be wrong but bear with me...

I'm quite a big girl and I've been blessed with very large boobs so I actually look in proportion! I'm apparently also pretty. I use kik messenger a lot and did have a selfie as my profile pic. I was inundated with messages from men I didn't know, telling me they thought I was fit, that my boobs were awesome among other stuff and then sending me a dick pic. My partner knows as I have always been honest with him and it upsets him because how he sees it is that I am not just a pair of boobs to be objectified, but I am an intelligent woman, there is an awesome person behind all the physical stuff (his words not mine!). 

Now my partner only heard about it second hand from me and it upset him. Imagine your bf hearing that kind of stuff repeatedly in person, how hard that must be as if he had objected much, he would have probably been ribbed even more. Now imagine hearing all that while feeling utter  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: e and having to expend so much energy pretending to be ok while still trying to do your job. Imagine hearing all that while trying to hide that you feel like there's no joy in the world and feeling like there never will be again. 

Depression is not always rational, it can make the smallest thing seem huge. Our reactions can be out of proportion. He obviously loves you and wants to prevent them leering at you again, he just might not be going about it the right way.

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Suzi (19-04-18)

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## Hereforyou

When you put it like that I guess I can understand a bit.. He gets annoyed when we walk past people and they just look at me.. It just annoyed me that I apologised when I did it on Tuesday.. And then he must have had an argument at work yesterday and tried to make me feel bad about it again.....

I am not really too sure what to do now.. We spent all day yesterday in separate rooms because he had upset me so much.. And the way he was this morning was also upsetting too..

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## Paula

Whether its rational or not, you upset him and its human nature to respond in kind. I know its not something that comes naturally to most people but I think you need to swallow your pride and try to make up. Ive been with my husband almost 20 years and sometimes thats all you can do - whether youre right or wrong

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## Hereforyou

But I didn't personally do anything to upset him .. And I already apologised and he continued to carry it on a day later and was rude about it... 

I am fine apologising but I don't feel it's reasonable to let him "get away" with being rude and aggressive and dragging it on for another day despite me apologising already...

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## Suzi

No it's not and to be fair he shouldn't be being aggressive to you at all - that's not excusable in any circumstance, but if he knew that he'd be going back in today for more of the same then I can understand him being upset....

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## Jaquaia

I'm going to make a few observations which may not go down very well so apologies in advance if any offence is caused as that is certainly not my intention...

I think you need to take a step back and try and look at this as an outsider. For starters, was he expecting you to meet him after work or did you try and surprise him? Surprises quite often set off my anxiety, it's very rare my partner just shows up as he knows I don't deal with it very well. It sets me on edge. If you surprised him then I can understand him being upset, especially given the environment he works in.

You say you apologised but how? Did you say you were sorry and leave it at that or was it followed by a but? I've been binge watching Santa Clarita Diet and something struck a chord with me in the last couple of episodes. In general, an apology followed by a but isn't an apology, it's trying to justify something. Have you asked him why he was so angry with you about it? Have you considered that you trying to be nice by buying him the gift and then taking it with you to meet him just ended up making things even more difficult for him at a time when he's already struggling to just get through the day? 

Your last few posts are very focused on him upsetting you, and you're entitled to be upset when he treats you badly, but have you stopped and considered that he may be upset too? Not everyone deals with upset in the same way and add depression in to the mix and it has the potential to be incredibly difficult for him to cope with. 

Speaking from a personal point of view, I have always been known as being calm and rational. I used to work with teenagers on the SEN register and could get through to the most difficult of them because of that calmness, yet depression makes me incredibly irritable and irrational. I'm fairly close to my parents but when I'm feeling really low, I can't cope with them talking to me, I can't cope with them doing nice things for me, I can't even cope with them being in the same room as me. I don't tolerate people well at all and get very snappy. In fact, the only person I can cope with is my partner as he understands and he knows what I need when I'm like that. It's not that I'm trying to be rude, it's just that I physically and mentally can't cope with people talking to me

You said that you ignored him because he upset you and then commented about him carrying things on, but by ignoring him you're also carrying things on, that's not just on him.

Depression is no excuse for behaving badly. Sometimes it takes me a huge physical effort to not snap at people. Sometimes it's incredibly difficult when people don't understand though. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, I'm just trying to offer an explanation. How he feels isn't about you, it's about his thinking being distorted by his illness. He'll be trying so hard to pretend he's ok that some days he'll be too exhausted to keep the mask in place.

Does this make sense?

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Suzi (19-04-18)

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## Suzi

That post is exactly why I had to talk to people who had depression when Marc was struggling - because I needed to hear things from the "other side" so to speak..

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## Hereforyou

*****TRIGGER WARNING****

I can understand him being upset too.. I dont think the surprise was what upset him as we often do little surprises for each other.. As I've said we always have been a very affectionate couple... I did apologise on the day it happened and it wasn't a "sorry but" kind of apology.. It was genuine.. In terms of why he was angry he said it was simply because he knew he would get stick the next day and that's what he was upset about.. He wasn't upset or angry when he saw me or even as we were walking.. It seemed that he got upset when he started to process what the next days events might have been.. He did say and look like he was genuinely pleased with the surprise.. It does make sense which is why I tried to to talk to him last night.. I am always the one that goes running back from an argument to try and rectify things and admittedly it may have been wrong but I just couldn't cope with doing that on Wednesday when he has upset me at work.. There's a lot of problems for me at work which he is fully aware of and started before his depression so I desperately didn't want to get upset at work like he made me.. Admittedly it may have been wrong for me to ignore him but I just needed a breather myself and I just needed to take myself away for a couple of hours and particularly let him see that he cannot talk to me in such a way..

We talked last night and I explained that whilst I understand what upset him and annoyed him.. He needed to explain that to me in a way that Jacquala did because once she had explained how it may have actually been I understood a lot more.. I also explained that it wasn't fair for him to take his frustrations out on me because people at work had upset him.. Ultimately all he had done was cause more issues by lashing out at me.. And that if he simply worded his frustrations in a less aggressive and rude way he knows I would have apologised and tried my hardest to cheer him up when he got home (like either of us always has done when the other has a bad day) ... 

I greatly appreciate you helping me understand and I don't take anything you say on offence or as an excuse.. It's helping me to understand so thank you so much.. It makes total sense and I know that he has been putting on a mask.. Since the medication change however he is struggling to put on the masks at home it seems..

Yes Suzi you're definitely right.. Being here is so helpful to understand what's going through his mind and helps talking to other people on their experiences too.. 

The sad thing Is though.. On Wednesday when I left him alone he decided to have a bottle of beer and was very low.. This lead to him harming himself 😢😢😢  ..

I feel so guilty like it's all my fault because if I had been there it wouldn't have happened.. If I had stayed it wouldn't have happened.. I feel awful because I left him to sit in self pity and it caused him to do this.. Thankfully they are not that deep or bad and have already started to close up but I can't help but feel dreadful and how I am to blame.. He said tha t work was horrible and he spent the whole day listening to people say crude things about me.. I again apologised and said that it wasn't my intention in the slightest..

When I was a teenager I was bullied very badly and in an abusive relationship so I got depression then and used to self harm.. It brought back all of those awful feelings and memories which sadly I understood more when he talked about them..

I've said that he needs to go back to the doctors after next Saturday if he still feels like this as Saturday (28th April) will be 2 weeks since starting the 40mg Citalopram instead of 20mg .. He had a telephone assessment for therapy today and they have referred him to another specialist who have to give him another telephone assessment so again that is taking a lot of time.. 

I just don't know what to say to him when he asks for help and guidance.. He keeps asking me what to do and apart from keeping on with the tablets.. Trying the therapy and trying to be positive and strong I can't suggest anything else.. 

What else can we try..?? What else can I say..??

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## Jaquaia

Firstly, well done for having that conversation. That must have been difficult. 

Regarding the medication, it doesn't work like that I'm afraid. Dosage increases work the same as starting the medication; side effects, 4-6 weeks to reach therapeutic levels in your body, so again it needs time. 

The self-harm. It's not your fault. It's simply a coping mechanism, not a healthy one but one nonetheless! How it works for me personally is I get overwhelmed and I start scratching. It's not something that I realise I'm doing until it starts hurting, and by that time I've taken off a few layers of skin. I know others do it because it helps them feel in control.

He can try peer support groups, there are support lines...most people assume that the samaritans are a suicide helpline, they will actually listen to you talk about anything if it helps you through a tough time. There are online CBT programs. Mind often run support groups and various courses.

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## Hereforyou

It was difficult.. Especially after learning about what he did to himself.. But I think he needed to know that as much as I support his depression I don't support being treated unfairly...

Ahh I see.. I thought it would take 2 weeks.. So at what point should we go back to the doctors..? 

I truly feel like it is.. He said he felt so low and how I wasn't there and now I feel terrible.. It took every ounce of strength in my body to not cry and just hug him because I didn't want to be pushy.. He said it was because he felt so low and wanted to take away the pain from his head but it didn't help.. He now feels embarrassed and ashamed about it.. I helped him dress it this morning and I just felt awful whilst doing it...

Yeah I may suggest those to him... My work provide a service to us and our family.. I phoned them about myself and how I can try to help and they said he can get 6 weeks of counselling.. Should i tell him to try that in the meantime..?

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## Suzi

Having had a telephone assessment already is actually really fast. It's not uncommon to wait 6 months to a year for assessment and then up to 3 years for therapy after that... 
If he's self harming then he needs to make the Dr aware of that - particularly if it's a new "thing" since starting the meds. 

You could suggest he joins here? We have separate areas of the forum that you can both access so you can both speak openly without the other seeing everything if it helps?

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## Hereforyou

Oh really.. I didn't know that.. My father was also given a telephone assessment pretty quickly so it seemed quite a quick turnaround for that just not the appointments....

Yes I think the doctor does need to know to be honest... 

I've suggested but I honestly don't think he would feel comfortable with it.. He's not that way inclined.. Do you think the private therapy would work best for the time being..? I was thinking perhaps he could start that as something sooner and then transfer over to the NHS therapy once it starts..? 

What can I do..?

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## Paula

If someone wants to self harm, theyre always going to find a way. He would have found the opportunity at some point to do this so you cant blame yourself, or blame him. Its a coping mechanism for lots of reasons, not least because physical pain can mute mental pain. What your focus needs to be on is that the wounds are clean and dressed, and try to find other ways for him to deal with it all. For instance, if Im feeling the urge to SH, I do some cross stitch instead.

I feel like youre being unrealistic in terms of the length of time itll take for him to recover. Depression is a chronic illness, hes probably been ill for much longer than you think and its going to take at least the same length of time for him to recover - even when he does find the treatment plan that helps him itms. You need to be patient

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## Hereforyou

I know.. I have self harmed myself over a decade ago so I know the principles of it.. Still doesn't make me feel any better in terms of feeling like I've let him down...

I know that it can take time for him to recover .. But what can I do in that time frame to try to help him along the way.. He is incredibly fed up and saying he is giving up because what he's tried doesn't seem to be helping so what can I do until he does start feeling better to not let him give up...

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## Suzi

He needs to go back and see his GP lovely....
I wouldn't look into private therapy right now. I think he needs to work on getting the right medication and the right dosage first....

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## Hereforyou

When do you think he should go back to the gp..? He has been on the stronger dosage for 1 week tomorrow so I thought it might have been too soon..? 

I came home from the gym today to find him crying again  :(:  .. He's feeling very low.. Worse than what he did when he first got diagnosed... The doctor did tell him it will get worse before it gets better so I am not sure if this is just that...

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## Suzi

Sweetheart you said you've had depression before, what did you want when you were ill?

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## Hereforyou

Mine was very different.. I knew what the trigger was and I was completely alone in life.. I was severely bullied so I had no friends.. Was in an abusive relationship so didn't have a supportive partner and my parents were going through hell and back with their marriage so I didn't even tell them.. Plus I was doing my exams so I had to study all the time...

With my depression I was desperate to feel loved and wanted.. I felt useless and alone in every aspect of my life.. I felt like a mess and a total failure...

I am not entirely sure if that's how my partner feels.. He does feel like he's a mess but because he is depressed.. And he knows that he is loved tremendously.. Even by my own family who often tell him despite his mum not telling him often...

I ask him what I can do or how I can help and he just says he doesn't know.. Keeping busy helps him because he can take his mind off of things but in recent days when I've asked him if he wants to go out he starts to cry and says he doesn't want to be around people and doesn't want to leave the house.. He goes to work and paintballm because he doesn't want to let people down... 

I wish I knew how or what can help that I can do...

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## Jaquaia

Depression doesn't have to have triggers. Sometimes it just is. I can understand him not wanting to be around people. Less than 5 minutes has made me retreat back to my room this morning. Being around people means you feel like the mask has to be in place and that's exhausting. Maybe him finding a hobby he can do at home would help? Or maybe joing some depression groups/forums and just reading other peoples stories so he can see that he's not alone and it can get better.

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## Paula

Maybe itd help if you looked around other threads here, it might give you an idea of how we interact with our loved ones?

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## Hereforyou

Yeah I've tried to explain that to him.. Although he's adamant that it must be something but he just doesn't know what..

I think a hobby at home would be a great idea.. I will try to think of things I cs n get him to start as a hobby.. Can you recommend anything..? 

I think you guys have all been great at helping me understand things.. You've made me feel a lot more like it's not me and rather the disease that's made him pull away so you've settled that feeling for sure...

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## Suzi

What about something you can do together, but also separately? When Marc was having such big panic attacks and couldn't leave the house without diazepam or ambulances being called he fell back into photography. He's a seriously amazing photographer. We went off to some of the old churches in our area as they were generally deserted, no need to interact.  One day we found our way into a local church which changed our lives. The church was locked, but the vicar was so friendly when we went in to ask when it would be open and he opened it up for us. Marc explained why he wanted to take pictures and the vicar was really happy to help. Marc explained that he had no faith and didn't want to be intruding. The vicar said that "sometimes there's too much religion in faith" and "actually that means you have more right to be in here than I do." We went back a couple of times. Then one day we were talking and I said I'd like to go back for a service. This church has a Wednesday morning service at 10am which has around 20 people there. We started going regularly. The vicar had already said that if he needed to Marc could get up and walk around or walk in and out if he needed to. It's really changed so much for us.

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## Jaquaia

You know him better so you know what his interests are. Paula does seriously awesome cross stitch, Suzi is a great crocheter, magie is a talented knitter. Me, I'm a jack of all trades really. I mainly read but also write, draw, knit, do diamond pictures and have just learnt how to cross stitch too.

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Suzi (21-04-18)

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## Hereforyou

I'd love to do something together... I really want to find something that he can maybe start now at home and when he's feeling better can take it outside... 

I am thinking maybe those little model building things.. He adores anything star wars related or Lego so I was thinking maybe something like that... 

Do you guys have anything you think might be useful.. Something that he can build because he loves doing things like that...

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## Suzi

Why not something like the lego deathstar? It's meant to be an amazing kit... Or building up the airfix models type of thing? You could start with the "if you could have any car in the world which one would you have?" and get the one for you and one for him and you could build them?

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## magie06

A hobby doesn't have to be useful. But they help pass the time and can help take your mind off your worries for a while. As well as knitting I like reading and colouring, gardening and walking. Besides the reading the rest can be done together. Also, don't worry about getting your bf to talk. It can be very difficult to talk when in a crisis.

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## Paula

Hunni, were no experts in the field of hobbies and anything we could suggest is not going to be better than anything you could come up with, as you know him best

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## Hereforyou

He would love the deathstar but it's super expensive haha..

I've found some puzzles we could do and I am going to look for a model car of his favourite car and mine.. He's a great drawer too so I might ask for him to draw me some stuff.. I think that'll be good..

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## Suzi

Great!  :):

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## Hereforyou

I will do that.. Thanks for the advice..

Yesterday he came home like his normal self... It was the first time for a couple of days that he didn't seem incredibly low.. He then went out with his paintball team.. He didn't drink much at all and came home quite late but he seemed to enjoy himself..

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## Suzi

That's great! Have you spoken to him about maybe doing something together?

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## Hereforyou

He's gone to paintball today so he's not around.. His said goodbye quiet early this morning whilst I was still asleep.. Came upstairs 3 times and each time still said goodbye with a kiss and his forehead to my lips...

I've asked a couple of days ago about doing something together and he said he didn't want to be around people.. But be might be feeling a little less low now so perhaps I can approach the subject again soon..

It's my birthday Tuesday so I am nervous about what's happening for that...

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## Jaquaia

Just be aware that although there can be good days, it doesn't necessarily mean he's going to be well enough to go out and be around people. I'm in an ok mood today compared to how low I have been recently, but I know I wouldn't be able to go out and be around people.

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Suzi (22-04-18)

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## Hereforyou

Well he went out for drinks with his paintball team on Saturday and then went to paintball yesterday.. He came home and said he had a good day and played well.. 

He had forgotten his antidepressants so said that maybe that's why he's been feeling rubbish all day.. But he really didn't seem it at all so I am a tad confused as only 2 days before he was incredibly low so there is some progress in my eyes... Just perhaps not in his :/ ..

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## Suzi

Forgetting an anti d can make you feel awful, if he's struggling anyway, then this is likely to have a huge impact.

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## Hereforyou

That's what's confusing me though..  He didn't seem like he was struggling at all.. For 2 days straight he did seem really really bad and really low.. But then on Saturday and Sunday he seemed to be much better and able to cope better.. Even being a bit more affectionate when he came home yesterday and opened his arms to me to cuddle up to him on the sofa (which was wonderful  :):   :):  ) something he hasn't done for months..

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## Hereforyou

Sorry that was meant to be "3 days straight" ....

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## Jaquaia

Like I've said, there can still be good days, and maybe the paintballing was just what he needed, but if he says he felt awful then he felt awful. I seem fine to everyone most days, yet inside I'm disappointed I woke up. To everyone else I can seem great, laughing and joking, but in my head, I'm fighting the urge to swallow a handful of my mums controlled drugs, I'm fighting the urge to get out my nail scissors and carve into my arm. He may have felt more able to cope yesterday, but it doesn't mean he was ok.

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## Hereforyou

I am sorry you feel that way.. I guess you're probably right...

I am just worried that he will continue to be negative and find something wrong all of the time even if he is getting better...

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## Jaquaia

It might be an idea for you to look at the Time to Change website. It isn't about continuing to be negative and finding something wrong all the time and I really hope you've not made that comment to him. I've had that kind of comment made to me by a friend who said he will always be there for me and will always listen. I refuse to lean on him now. I would rather struggle on alone then turn to him.

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## Hereforyou

No I haven't said that to him.. I have said that he needs to try to remain positive in general though when he's talked about never getting better and so on.. 

It was nice that he offered me a cuddle so I am pleased about that because it has been such a long time.. I hope tomorrow goes okay...

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## Suzi

Glad that you got your cuddle lovely.

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## Paula

Sometimes its about taking it hour by hour. Im struggling at the moment and my husband will tell me that, for instance, I seem better now than I did this morning. Sometimes my mood can change in a matter of hours. I hope this makes sense

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Suzi (23-04-18)

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## Hereforyou

Thank you Suzi  :):  .. I am glad too.... Small victories  :):  ..

I don't want to mention it too much.. I know he gets upset and says how he doesn't want to talk so I always leave it to him when it comes to talking about his depression....

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## Hereforyou

So there have been a couple of ups and downs over the last two days..

Monday he came home late as he went shopping for my birthday.. He posted a picture from a page called "Depressed Feelings" that said "How can you run away from the thoughts in your head" on to Facebook... When he came home I asked him if he is okay and what feelings he was trying to run away from.. He said how he still felt rubbish and he wanted to run away from the thoughts of why he felt like this, why nothing in his life made him feel happy and not even the slightest thing seemed to brighten his spirits.. He then said he didn't want to talk about it anymore and said how he doesn't feel good when he talks about it as it makes him feel worse.. 

Yesterday was my birthday... He woke me up with some lovely cuddles.. Some kisses and a cup of tea before he set off to work.. He organised a Disney afternoon tea for us (not the type of thing he likes but he knew I would love it) so he had a half day and told me when to be ready for.. He came home a tad late and rushed.. Giving himself a headache as he got worried we would miss the reservation.. Whilst there I could tell he was uncomfortable because he felt it was all a little bit too posh for him.. Nevertheless we had a nice time whilst there and I could see he was trying.. 

When we went home he wrapped my presents and presented them nicely on the sofa and saying how he was sorry it isn't much.. I hugged him and said its plenty and that I loved them.. 

I opened his card first which said "Sorry I haven't been myself lately and sorry I haven't made much of an effort this year" I held him and told him that he shouldn't be sorry at all and that I am just happy he was there to spend it with me.. He started to cry and I cuddled him telling him its the thought and effort that counts..  

We had to rush off out again as him and my parents had planned dinner round their home with my niece and nephews there too.. That was wonderful.. He wasn't "miserable" or "sad" at all.. He was concerned about people seeing the cuts on his arm so hid it the majority of the time.. He cuddled my nephews and niece and genuinely seemed great like he was really trying.. I noticed whilst we were looking on his phone a slightly inappropriate looking video on his phone and calmly asked what it was about.. He said that it was one of his weird work friends that send him stupid jokey videos.. I know this is something that happened before as he would show me some of them so I didn't probe too much as we were around my parents..

When we went home he made me a cup of tea and we sat together in the front room for a bit.. It was still playing on my mind so I asked him to be honest about the video and asked if there's a particular reason why he was being a bit secretive with his phone.. He reassured me that he was only being secretive because of my birthday and that the video definitely wasn't the bad sort.. He reassured me that he loved me still and I said I still loved him.. 

I thanked him for a wonderful day and he began to cry saying that he didn't think it was a wonderful day and that he knew he hadn't made much of an effort this year.. He said he still feels rubbish but I asked if he was happy when he saw how thrilled I was with my surprise and around my nephews and he said he was and how he loves getting cuddles off of him.. When I asked if he would like to take him out this weekend he said that it was incredibly hard being out around strangers today.. Again I thanked him for trying so hard and doing so well for me to make my day special.. I said he had been doing very well when he went out for drinks with his paintball team and went to paintball and he said it was because they are people he knows and that know about his depression.. 

We mentioned sex and said that he felt bad because he knew I would want to but that he didn't want to and how it wasn't right.. Saying it was so much effort.. I explained that it was okay and that I understood and it wouldn't be permanent.. I tried to reassure him and tell him that he was amazing and how I had a wonderful day even though he kept saying he didn't feel like it was himself.. I told him that it was the depression telling him that and he should believe me and not the depression.. 

After a while we laid down together and he asked me to clean his ears as there was hair from his hair cut and then stroke his hair .. We went to bed and he asked me to carry on as it made him sleepy. We talked about paintball and about me going with him and he said he was concerned that if I go I would be bored I told him I would be there to support him and see him win and that wouldn't make me bored because I enjoy seeing his successes. I said how I felt like he didn't want me to come all of a sudden and he told me he didn't want me to be bored and didn't want me to waste my time I tried to reassure him that it wouldn't be the case and he said okay that's fine.. 

I would say good all in all right ..?

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## Suzi

It sounds brilliant. 

Happy belated birthday for yesterday!

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## Hereforyou

Yay.. I am super glad you think so.. I am so proud of him..

Just worried I didn't say the right things or something.. Love him so much I just want to help in whatever way I can...

Thank you very much  :):  xx

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## Suzi

Hunni, relax, chill, just be you.

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## Paula

Belated happy birthday!

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## Hereforyou

Thank you  :):  ...

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## Hereforyou

Hi all..

Sorry for adding to this thread again but I need some advice..

I am not sure what I can say to him anymore as I genuinely don't feel like I am helping...

Things weren't particularly bad after my birthday.. He seemed okay for the majority of it.. Normal ups and downs like last Thursday he was very tired and seemed incredibly down so I let him sleep when he got home from work and when he woke up he seemed okay... 

On Friday however I quit my job (I have a new job already lined up which I am beyond thrilled about) but I was surprised to hear my manager ask if he can convince my mind and suddenly felt guilty like I was giving up on an otherwise good job.. I posted on to Facebook about having a difficult decision about walking away or trying harder.. But I couldn't put too much on there as my work didn't know about my other job so I left it ambiguous

My friend messaged me telling me she had seen my partner somewhere different to where he told me he was working.. So when I got home he was late home.. I asked him why he was late and he told me that he was at the site he told me he was at late (this was a lie as my friend saw him somewhere else) .. I asked him again and he lied to me again so I asked him why he was lying... He was incredibly horrible about the whole situation and acted like he didn't care that I was upset with him for lying.. In the end he told me that I should walk away like I wanted to (he had obviously seen my Facebook comment from hours before) .. I did my best to explain and convince him of the truth.. He began crying about how he is over thinking everything and feels nothing but sadness and anger... I told him that whenever he feels like something wasn't right he should have just asked me.. That prompted him to ask me why I hadn't "kissed him properly or said goodbye properly" that morning.. Again it was a simple reason of me being tired and having menstrual cramps so not feeling great.. But he had told me he had thought about that all day...

The weekend came along and he seemed genuinely okay.. We went for a nice dinner together where he said he was feeling very anxious being around so many strangers but I reassured him he didn't appear that way and that he did really well.. 

The only thing that seemed to bother him a huge amount was that I didn't read his text or message him back when he told me he was on his way home from work.. I really didn't understand why he got so anxious about it but he seemed really on edge about it..

Sunday he went to his mum's.. He asked me not to go with him as he wanted to tell his mum about his depression.. He asked me to wait for him for dinner but in the end it had gotten late so I messaged him asking what's happening and he told me he was in a cab home.. Again I didn't respond to this message and when he came home he was again anxious and annoyed about it.. 

Yesterday however wasn't great.. He seemed okay up until his paintball team started to annoy him when he tried to organise a meal with them.. We walked our dog to my parents and my mum upset me.. He then got the ump with me for being upset with my mum because I apparently "barged past him 3 times".. We were in a tiny room and I just walked past.. Despite apologising he still had the ump with me..

When I asked what had made him get so angry he said he had been like that all day and how he only feels anger and sadness.. He said tha t he started to randomly get angry yesterday whilst he was sat at his mum's and didn't have an idea why.. He keeps saying how fed up he is and how he doesn't want to give it anymore time.. I've asked him about going for private therapy or something like that and he said that he is worried they will section him... I've tried telling him that it's okay and that he will get better.. or things like I understand and he just throws it back in my face telling me that I don't understand because he doesn't even understand his head so how can I.. He gets angry when I tell him that it's okay or try to console him by rubbing his leg or shoulder but then also doesn't want a cuddle.. I just can't win.... He told me he wanted to be left alone for a bit so I left him alone and then when I went downstairs to get ready for bed he said I didn't have to go to bed yet.. So again I am like "Do you want to be left alone or not" ... 

He's just so confusing and difficult right now and I feel like nothing I say is making a difference.. I've suggested going back to the doctors and he just says he might as Well wait for his next appointment.. Nothing seems to go in..

What can I do..

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## Paula

Ok, hunni, Im going to be honest with you. First, you need to look at the big picture. To keep picking apart every single moment with him is only going to hurt. But if you take a step back to look at any changes over, say, the last week or two, you may see a true pattern emerging. If you dont see any change, maybe talk to him about seeing his doctor again.

Re the fear of being sectioned. Tbh, there are so few psych beds available right now that you have to be really, really ill to be sectioned. I was in hospital a few years ago and I was very ill - the other patients literally didnt see me for two weeks because I was so terrified of the world I couldnt talk to anybody. Your bf is working, it may be hard for him but he is doing it - hed have to get a lot worse than he is to be sectioned.

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## Hereforyou

I am trying not to and trying to look at the improvements he's making.. Like being able to be himself a bit more..  But even now I've come home and he's started having a go at me because I didn't read or reply to his message and it's the third time I've done it... I've tried to tell him he's being silly but I don't even understand what his problem is...

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## Jaquaia

Was there a reason you didn't read or reply to his message?

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## Suzi

I was wondering why you didn't reply to him too..

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## Paula

Thing is, just replying to his message will solve the problem. Yes, hes probably acting a bit paranoid at the moment and, yes, he should trust you, but when you both are dealing with so much right now, surely just making things easy for both of you by replying is the better option ....

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S deleted (01-05-18)

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## Hereforyou

On Saturday I didn't reply because I was tidying up and didn't hear my phone.. On Sunday because there was nothing to reply to (I'd already said see you soon and he was just telling me how long he will be 
) .. And today was because he told me he had good news to tell me when he got home and I was on the train so by the time I could reply I was already nearly home... 

I am always the person to text him either way and I tried to explain that I am the person that texts him to start a conversation so i am hardly ignoring him...

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## Suzi

That's cool, I was only asking  :O:  You seem defensive lovely, there is no need.
However, I learnt that Marc worried if he didn't get a reply, so I made sure I replied as and when I could. I still let him know when I get somewhere and when I leave - it's not about being controlled, it's about him loving me enough to care and me loving him enough to let him know.... Saves him worrying and makes it easier all round

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## Jaquaia

This may sound harsh but I really think you would benefit from reading other threads on here and from checking out the Time to Change website as you're not understanding. I'm sorry if that upsets you but you aren't. 

This isn't about you. This isn't about you always being the one to text him to start a conversation, this is him sat waiting for a reply and his thinking being so skewed that he starts wondering if he's upset you, if he's done something wrong, if you're mad at him, if he's actually good enough for you. This is about him getting  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ed off at the world and not knowing why, so it must be something wrong with him, he must be a horrible person because normal people don't get so angry over nothing. This is about him feeling completely worthless and it not mattering if you tell him different as you must just be saying it to make him feel better as you couldn't possibly mean it. And you must be getting fed up of his changes in moods and him feeling so low.

To describe it succinctly, depression is a bitch. My partner absolutely adores me; he tells me every single day just how much he loves me; how he is with me, how he looks at me... this amazing man makes me believe in soulmates. But when we're apart, my head is telling me how much better he deserves, how worthless I am, how disgusting I am, how he would be better off without me. When he goes a few hours without texting me, I KNOW that work has got manic, or I KNOW that he is busy with his children but I immediately wonder if I've done something wrong. My head can turn innocent remarks into huge issues, that he wants to leave me, he's having second thoughts etc. 
I can have days where I can't cope with people talking to me and it makes me want to scream at them to  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  off and leave me alone. Yesterday I almost told my mother where to go and walked away from my dad as he was talking to me as I could feel my control slipping. In that frame of mind, I need to be left alone, in fact the only person I can tolerate when I'm like that is my partner! 
I can wake up and regret it immediately because I have to get through another day. My chest will feel tight and my heart will race because I have another day of trying to survive to get through. 

Your bf will have similar thoughts and feelings to those. They won't be the same as depression is a very individual illness. Somehow, you need to find out what he needs from you, while trying to do as much as you can to actually understand.

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magie06 (01-05-18),Paula (01-05-18),S deleted (01-05-18),Suzi (01-05-18)

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## Suzi

That's such an open and honest post. Thank you Jaq, that can't have been easy. Much love and respect.

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## Hereforyou

I understand what you're saying Suzi but I am so fed up feeling like I don't do anything right... Feeling like I have to constantly watch what I do and say despite the fact that there's still other problems in my life aside from just him...

I've read the time to change website and I am trying my best.. But it's just not good enough..  I am always a last thought and can't even have a bad day myself without feeling like I am going to upset him.. No perhaps I am not understanding and perhaps I never will.. I am just trying my best... At least you can take the things your partner says and see the positives in them..  I just get told to stop and how it's not helping.. 

It seems like he wants me to leave him alone too though.. He seems to tolerate everyone.. He's even out now with his paintball team having dinner and drinks but when it comes to me he can't handle being around strangers too much and wants to go home pretty quick.. 

I've asked him constantly what I can do or what helps/doesn't and he just says he doesn't know...

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## Paula

Tell me, if hed had an operation and needed months of recuperation, would you take it personally if he was constantly in pain and grumpy with it, taking it out on you? If hed broken his leg and needed weeks not being able to use it, and had to keep asking for your help to get him to the loo, would you feel comfortable saying that youd had a difficult day so hell need to get himself sorted out? Your bf is ill and that will mean you will have to make adjustments. 

The World Health Organisation description of depression is that Depression is a common illness worldwide, with more than 300 million people affected. Depression is different from usual mood fluctuations and short-lived emotional responses to challenges in everyday life. Especially when long-lasting and with moderate or severe intensity, depression may become a serious health condition. It can cause the affected person to suffer greatly and function poorly at work, at school and in the family

Depression may become a serious health condition which may cause the affected person to suffer greatly and function poorly ....... in the family. This isnt a down day, week, month. This is an illness that can be dangerous if not treated properly - and part of that treatment is the care and support of our loved ones. Accepting that reality is crucial if were able to get theough this. I can honestly say I wouldnt be here if it hadnt been for my husbands support. When I was in hospital, he was insistent that he came to see me every day. At the time, our children were small (aged 7 and 3) so he would get them sorted for school/childcare, work from home for a few hours, feed the kids, get my mum to look after them so he could come up to the hospital, spend a couple of hours with me then go home and continue working til the early hours of the morning. Not once, at that time or any other difficulty weve been through, has he ever complained about the impact on him.

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Jaquaia (01-05-18),S deleted (01-05-18)

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## Hereforyou

That's the thing I have been there when he broke his hand.. I took the slack and cared for him then.. Took the burden of his moods.. His care and even his finances..

I get that he's ill but it makes me so angry that it seems like I am the only one he can't be around for too long.. I am the only one that gets forgotten about.. I've not said anything to him about how I am feeling but I am getting so tired of being the brunt end of everything and even when I think he's starting to show signs of improvement he just shuts it all down and says it's all pretend.. 

I am trying my best but nothing is good enough and I just don't know how much longer I can keep banging my head against a brick wall feeling like the man I loved so deeply is gone and doesn't so much as even care about me anymore...

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## Hereforyou

I just feel like I want to cry.. In fact it's much more difficult right now to stop myself from crying than it is to actually cry.. 

When if got quite late last night I messaged him asking if he was okay.. Simply because it was gone 11pm, he had work the next morning, he told me it was only dinner and a couple of drinks and because only 24hours before he told me how he feels so angry and he feels like he will flip his lid at anyone for absolutely anything and he doesn't feel like he can control his aggression.. I genuinely laid in bed worried that he was either angry or having an anxiety attack.. 

My message simply got ignored.. I then messaged him again for it to be ignored again.. I tried to call him and I got ignored.. I left it for a little bit and messaged again only to be ignored.. I finally phoned him one last time before being ignored again...

At gone 12pm he came home very drunk.. Our dog started barking so i ran downstairs scared only to realise it was because he fumbled about outside the front door.. When he came in he shoved the dog away (who was happily greeting him) with his foot and started to swear at him.. I said hello and was greeted by an angry drunk man who just grunted at me and asked what I was still doing up and started moaning because he couldn't find his vitamins.. I asked why he didn't message me back only for him to tell me that I "shouldn't be checking up on him while he was with his friends" this really upset me and I tried to explain I wasnt trying to check up on him I just wanted to make sure he was okay because of what he was saying the day before.. 

He started to speak to me in a really nasty way.. Telling me how I shouldn't have messaged him in the first place and how I shouldn't worry about him.. How he told me where he was and I shouldn't bother him.. This was all completely unfair.. He went out at 7pm and I only text him at 11:30 saying "You okay?xxx" so I felt hurt by the fact he was being so nasty about it...

When I told him that he didn't have to ignore me if he had just messaged me back the first time I wouldn't have messaged again or called... He continued to act like he couldn't care less that he had worried me and in fact told me to shut the **** up and go to sleep.. I asked him not to speak to me like that only for him to tell me to just leave him alone so he could go to sleep.. Some further hurtful things were said including how his friend would have ignored me if I messaged him and how itnwas "unimportant" for him to message me back...

I started to cry so I went downstairs and left him to sleep while I sobbed...

This morning he was hungover and started to be nasty again.. I tried to explain that I wasn't checking up on him and how I was simply trying to make sure he was okay because I care.. He told me how I shouldn't bother caring and how he's a lost cause because he's heads so messed up.. He kept going on about how he doesn't think I should care and how much easier it would be if I didn't care.. I said to him that it wasn't fair for him to say these things and how he's not a lost cause just unwell.. He went on to say how he's life is messed up and when I told him that he was happy before and this is only a snapshot again he got angry at me because I say that too much.. He kept saying how he doesn't know if I should care and when I asked him if he loves me and still wants to be with me I said I felt the same and that was all that mattered.. Only to be met again with a shrug of the shoulders..

I said to him (probably wrong of me to say) that it felt like he was trying to push me to end things and how I feel like that's what he wants me to do.. He didn't even say anything to this.. 

I literally feel so rubbish.. How can he be so hurtful and not even see a problem in it..? How can he say such nasty things to me and tell me he doesn't want me to care anymore..? How can he see me crying and not even feel an ounce of sympathy or care towards me..? 

I just don't understand... Perhaps our relationship is a lost cause.. Perhaps I am just holding on to something that is already gone...

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## Suzi

Sweetheart he has no excuse for speaking to you like that or for treating your dog like that. Depression is not a carte blanche for treating others like  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: . Also if he didn't reply why is that OK for him to do to you, but not the other way round? You should NEVER be afraid of your partner. The fact you were lying awake worried if he was going to be angry speaks volumes to me. Are you sure you want to be with someone who treats you like this? Depression or not, your relationship worries me...

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## Angie

> How can he be so hurtful and not even see a problem in it..? How can he say such nasty things to me and tell me he doesn't want me to care anymore..? 
> 
> I just don't understand... Perhaps our relationship is a lost cause.



I am quoting just a tiny bit of your post


He is ill and not well and will not be thinking in the same way as he may of done before becoming unwell, you say you dont understand but if you read  the posts previously by our other members and mods properly they are trying to tell you and help you to understand.

This is not about you,

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S deleted (02-05-18)

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## Jaquaia

I don't think any of what he said was nasty, rude yes! But nasty? Yes, there is no excuse for being rude but when we feel so overwhelmed we need love and understanding, and even leaving alone! They sound more like the words of a man who is hurting and reached a breaking point.

 You had no need to keep checking up on him in such a short space of time. I will guarantee that he got so drunk because it helped him pretend he was ok and have a normal night out with his friends and then you started texting him and calling him reminding him that he's ill. Yes, after he complained about you not replying to his messages, he should have replied to you, but if he was having a good night and then saw the messages, it's possible they brought his mood down. We don't want constantly reminding that we're ill. We want to be able to have days where we pretend everything is normal! We want days where we can just be us without feeling smothered by people checking that we're dealing with our illness ok that day! We are more than our mental illness. I bet his friends let him to forget

You ask how he can tell you he doesn't want you to care anymore and call that hurtful? Well I ask you how can that be one of your main focuses when he has told you that he feels numb and empty? I know Suzi will relate to this one from her experiences with Marc. Feeling numb is awful. You know you love people but you don't feel it. You feel nothing, it's not sadness, or irritation, or anger, but just nothing. 

Have you ever thought he left you crying because it made him feel even worse then he already did? Have you thought that if you'd simply said that you'd got up to check why the dog was barking then everything could have been avoided? Why did you need to challenge him there and then about not replying to you? You knew he was drunk, you know he's been getting angry for no reason as he's been honest about you with it. What did it really achieve?

If you want things to work out then you need to let go of this preoccupation with how his illness is making you feel. He is ill, but he is trying. He proves that when he is honest with you about how he is struggling. the bit that i find hardest to deal with is you know that your thinking is skewed, you know it's irrational but you can't control it. Trust me when I say that he will feel awful about upsetting you but you really need to try and see that he is ill. I don't think you truly understand that. And all I can say to that is talk and listen. Talk to people who are ill, see how they cope. Talk to people who support those who are ill, see how they deal with it. But above all, hear what they're saying. You're listening but you're not hearing.

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Paula (02-05-18),S deleted (02-05-18)

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## Hereforyou

That's sort of what I am thinking Suzi.. He has no reason to worry about me as far as I am concerned.. But with how he is right now k have every reason to worry about him...

When I said I was lying awake worried about him being angry I meant at other people... He's said tha t all he feels right now is misery, sadness and anger and he is worried that he will lash out at strangers who just look at him the wrong way.. I am not worried about him becoming angry with me.. I am very confident that he would never hurt me physically.. He's just not that way inclined.. Prior to his depression though he never treated me such a way.. He was always thoughtful and caring...

Angie.. You're probably right.. But how can I distinguish between what his depression is saying and what he actually feels.. I struggle massively reading people without looking at their actions because I understand words are cheap... But even his actions right now leave alot to be desired...

Jaquaia.. I do feel it was nasty for his to say I shouldn't have text him in the first place.. For him to shove our dog away with his foot.. For him to say I am unimportant.. I do think all of those things were nasty and completely uncalled for.. 

I am sorry but I do feel I had a need to check he was okay.. Given the fact that the day before he told me he was so angry and was worried about being sectioned because he was so angry.. Even going to the extent of punching a fence I feel I have every reason to be concerned about his welfare.. There's a big difference between if I messaged him saying "Where are you and what time you coming home" to actually messaging him saying "You okay" ... 

I text him and left it for almost an hour until I noticed he had completely ignored my message.. That was when I text him again.. He even admitted this morning that he saw my message but didn't feel the need to answer.. In my opinion that's unfair.. Especially when I've left him for 5 hours to enjoy himself without so much of a word and only messaged to check all was well.. I called twice and text twice over a 90 minute period which I genuinely don't feel is excessive.. had he have replied the first time I would have gone off to bed and he could have carried on enjoying himself.. 

It's not one of my main focuses at all.. But as has been said previously I am allowed to have feelings too.. And i am allowed to feel hurt by things too because my feelings are equally important.. I came on here to talk to people about how I felt.. Rather than talk to him and make him feel worse.. But from what you're saying I must completely dismiss my feelings ALL of the time because he feels nothing and I must allow him to talk to me.. Act and do whatever he likes because he isn't well.. A simple message to stop the person that loves you from worrying is all I was asking for and I got greeted with anger and nasty hurtful comments and I am in the wrong.... 

I did tell him I went downstairs because the dog was barking and I got told how I knew it was him and what else could it have been.. He does feel something.. Anger and misery.. Hence the reason I wanted to ensure he was okay... 

How can you say I don't understand he's ill.. I've done everything I can and am trying my best to be understanding and supportive.. I've been pushed away.. I've been ignored both physically and emotionally.. I've been walked away from and told that he doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore.. I've been positive and happy despite having an awful day at work or being I'll myself.. I've made sure he's eating properly even if it's meant I have to stay up when I am tired to make him lunch.. I've tried to cheer him up with small gestures to simply make him smile even for a short period of time.. I've done all of the housework after a days work because he's been tired and I've let him sleep.. I've taken on the entire financial outgoings on my own paycheck to not worry him about money and stress him out even more.. I've literally done so much to show I understand his I'll and put my needs aside every single day.. Yes there are times when it gets too much for me and I get upset.. Yes I don't understand what his head is saying most of the time.. Yes I do still feel upset and sad about some of the things that are happening but it's completely unfair for you to say that I don't understand he is ill when I am doing my best too...

You say to talk to people and thats exactly what I came on this forum to do.. Talk to people.. Perhaps they could rationalise things from his point of view as they have done in the past and help me understand why he might have acted the way he did and said what he said.. In the past thast has helped.. 

But never once have they made me feel like I am not being supportive or understanding by having my own feelings....

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## Suzi

You are more than entitled to your own feelings and I see your point of view and those of the others. I know how horrific I felt whilst Marc was having his breakdown. I know how lonely, how I was scared to do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing to make things worse. FFS I was out digging up the brambles in our small patch of garden and re-turfing it all almost single handely at 10 weeks after having my 3rd C Section because I was told that getting him out of the house in a garden might help....

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## Hereforyou

That's exactly how I feel Suzi..  Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do it's wrong somehow.. You're exactly right.. It is lonely and disheartening.. 

But I am trying my best.. I want to see him improve and if I can stop it believe me I wouldn't let my own feelings come into play.. It's just hard sometimes especially if I've had a bad day...

Talking to you guys knowing that you've been through similar helps.. Especially where sometimes if I tell my parents they get angry and tell me how unfair it is on me.. It just makes me feel worse....

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## Suzi

Hunni maybe you are trying too hard? Maybe stepping back a little might help? If he doesn't want to talk to you about things then maybe you need to just go back to "how was your day?" rather than "how are you feeling?"?

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## Hereforyou

I've been trying that recently.. we've been having alot more days recently where he hasn't felt the need to mention it but so far this week he has said he's felt miserable since Sunday evening...

With him not being the most forthcoming person with feelings I haven't directly asked how he feels at all for a while.. Rather just let him bring it up if he feels he wants to.. I think the biggest struggle I have is knowing what to say when he does want to talk..

Like just now he said how he doesn't care about anything anymore and I tried to point out the things he does care about.. He shrugs in agreement but I don't know if that's the right thing to do...

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## Suzi

Maybe you just need to listen and not try to correct him itms?

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## Hereforyou

Itms..? What does that mean..?

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## Suzi

If that makes sense.

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## Hereforyou

Ahh yes.. Sorry.. Yes perhaps you're right.. I could certainly try that....

I think the doctor will have to change his medication again unfortunately so we will be back to the drawing board soon I think...

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## Suzi

Why do you think the meds need changing?

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## Hereforyou

He seems to think it's gotten worse.. He self harmed a couple of weeks ago when he first started them and says how he still wakes up every morning feeling lost and like he's lost a bit of himself.. 

These last couple of days he says how he has felt really angry for no known reason and how's he's extremely agitated and irritable all the time..

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## Suzi

When's he got an appointment?

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## Paula

Anger and irritability can be common, Ive been struggling with that recently. And, sometimes, you can feel worse as youre feeling better - as the numbness disappears the more volatile emotions can reappear itms.

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## Hereforyou

He's got an appointment next Friday.. That will be 1 month of being on the 40mg Citalopram instead of 20mg (which he was on for 1 month before changing it) ...

Ahh yes that makes perfect sense Paula.. He has always been very able to show anger as an emotion.. It has always been his go to.. 

I am not sure what the doctor will suggest then...

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## Suzi

Maybe some anger management?

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## Hereforyou

The doctor referred him for some when he went last month.. Still waiting to hear back from the referral...

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## Suzi

He could call to chase the appointment?

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## Hereforyou

Yeah I think he probably will have to.. Perhaps I will ask him.. But he's not got my "umph" to do stuff I.e. go a get his blood tests or do his medical sample which he was asked to do on the 13th April....

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## Suzi

But that's all part of his illness love. You can't expect him to have an "umph" when he's struggling so much just to get up and face another day.....

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## Hereforyou

Well I am pleased it's part of the illness in a sense then.... You definitely make sense saying it like that.. I had worried he just couldn't be bothered so it's a relief to know he's not doing it on purpose... 

I am slightly worried though as his friend messaged me (the friend he sent a picture of him cutting himself to) and just called him a div and a d*** and said he will speak to him.. It's his best friend so I am not sure if that would help  :(:  ...

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## Paula

Wow. Id be pretty  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ed if my friend had that sort of conversation with my partner .....

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## Suzi

Ouch! With friends like that who needs enemies...

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## Hereforyou

He's come home today in a  really really fowl mood.. Like worse than usual :'( ... I've asked if I've upset him and what's wrong and he just says nothing....

I actually asked his friend not to say anything but I think he has anyway.. I even asked him to call me before he spoke to him so I could explain to him to be a little bit more sensitive but he didn't.. I told him he's not well and he's just said he's being an attention seeker... ...

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## Suzi

Maybe you haven't upset him at all and he's just having a crappy day - I've had a few this week too....

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## Hereforyou

Perhaps you're right.. He did become a bit more talkative before he went gym and mentioned how he's feeling crappy and angry like everyday this week and how he's fed up of it...

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## Suzi

It's good that he's able to go to the gym. That's a big positive - gives him something to focus on and exercise is great for releasing endorphins...

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## Hereforyou

Yes we've both been a lot more active.. He tries to go often.. And I go a minimum of 3 times a week.. Which is a great way for me to to relieve some frustrations if you know what I mean haha... 

I just hope it's helping it...

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## Hereforyou

Last night he opened up a bit again.. He opens up at the strangest of times..

We were laying in bed and he said how he was dreading this sleep.. I asked why and he said because he knows he's not going to be able to sleep because he's stressed.. Again I asked why.. He said he was stressed because he has his supervisor assessment tomorrow and is worried about it and was already stressed before.. Again I asked why.. He said that he was stressed out about paintball because he doesn't want to go this weekend or to the tournament next weekend (their first tournament of the year) .. I said "Of course you do but your worrying yourself about it already.. You had a good time last time so perhaps just remember that" then he went on to tell me how he didn't have a good time and only spoke to a small number of people because he didn't feel comfortable.. So I told him to try not to worry about things too far in advance and to take day by day because he doesn't know how he will feel at that point... He said how he was fed up because he feels like he's dying inside and just wants to feel normal again.. I moved closer to him and hugged him because at this point I genuinely don't know what to say.. He spoke of how he feels fed up and feels like he's losing himself and doesn't feel like his normal self anymore.. I asked if there's anything I could do and he said he said "what can you do".. I said I'll try anything which might help like a cuddle (to which he said they don't help) and then leaving him alone every so often (to which he shrugged his shoulders) ..

I told him that I loved him and he said he knows.. I asked him why he didn't want to tell me and he said he does and said I love you too.. Perhaps stupidly.. I said "it's okay if you don't love me anymore" (a friend had unhelpfully told me perhaps he's being like this because he's not IN love with me anymore and naturally it had been playing on my mind so I wanted him to know it was okay if that was the case) .. He just replied with "I do" .. I kissed his shoulder and rolled over to go to sleep.. We both dozed off and he woke up shortly after having had a nightmare.. I offered to stroke his hair as it relaxes him and he asked me too so I did as we went off to sleep...

I am glad he felt he could tell me how he felt and that he was stressed.. I genuinely feel lost on what to say back that might be of some help...

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## Suzi

Sometimes there isn't anything to say and you just have to listen...

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## Hereforyou

Yes perhaps you're right....

I Just hope he really does still love me...

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## Suzi

At the moment he won't feel anything really....

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## Hereforyou

Is that why he says I know when i tell him I love him..? And why he just said I do when I said it's okay if he doesn't love me anymore..?

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## Paula

Yes, exactly that. Sweetie, we have been trying to tell you this ..... you cant focus on every little thing he says and does, its not good for either of you

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S deleted (04-05-18)

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## Hereforyou

I am just so scared.. I feel like I've lost him and I can't help blaming myself sometimes.. I just want to see him get through his depression and hopefully we can continue on our relationship as it was.. But I am just scared he doesn't want that anymore or will realise he doesn't want it when he's better...

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## Paula

And how is fretting over everything going to change that?

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## Hereforyou

That's my coping mechanism I guess.. Always expect the worst and then you'll never be disssappinted...

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## Suzi

But maybe expecting the worst is only making things worse?

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## Hereforyou

I am so annoyed right now..  

My partner came to me whilst I was at the gym in a bit of a nervous and panicky state.. He told me how one of his work colleagues and friends had a huge argument with his wife and is in a state.. Talking about ending his life and so on.. 

My partner wanted to go to him to comfort him and try to call him down.. Fair enough..  I asked him to just keep me updated with what's going on and said if he wanted go bring him home to stay the night round ours that's fine.. He said he would to both.. 

He last updated me at 8pm saying that he's friend is in bits and won't stop crying and saying that he was waiting for his friends dad to come which shouldn't be more than an hour.. At 930 he text me asking me to make up our sofa bed and how he was levelling out and how I should do the bed now.. Fast forward to 12:26 (now) and his phone is off.. He hasn't replied to me for hours.. He told me he would be in a certain area but is in a completely different area.. He still hasn't come home..  I have no idea what's going on or where he is.. If he's coming home or what the hell has gone on.. 

I really feel taken advantage of now  :(:  .. He could easily use his friends phone if his battery died just to let me know all is okay  :(:  ...

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## Hereforyou

When he finally came home he was covered in mud and cuts.. Said he was beaten up on his way home..  Turns out he had lied to me and actually went out for a drink with his work friends but didn't want to tell me because he "knew" I would moan about him drinking again.. 

The last time I said anything about him drinking was when he wanted to go out 3 weekends in a row.. So I kindly said that he should be careful as he doesn't want to get into a habit.. But literally that was all.. 

I am so angry with him right now.. He's down on the sofa as I literally can't believe he was so horrible and just fabricated this awful story...

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## Suzi

Sorry lovely, do you mean that he fabricated about his friend needing support? 
I think it's totally understandable that you would be so worried last night. 

How much did you say to him previously about not drinking?

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## Hereforyou

Yeah.. His friend didn't need his support at all and the whole story was a lie.. He wasn't even with that friend...

All I said was that he didn't want to make drinking and getting drunk an every weekend occurance.. He went out with his friend a few weeks back and got drunk.. Then the following weekend we went out together on a couple night with another one of his friends and he got drunk then too.. Then the following weekend he wanted to go out drinking with another friend so at that point I just mentioned that he doesn't want to drink too much too often because it will make him worse... Then the day he cut himself he was drinking before that and I said to him he shouldn't have drunk because it probably made him feel worse....

So I've only mentioned it twice in 2 months....

When he eventually told me where he really was he said he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want me to get  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ed off and start moaning at him and he started to get upset... 

I am really really angry with him though....

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## Suzi

I would feel angry too. Maybe he didn't tell you because he didn't want to disappoint you or that he couldn't face telling you that he wanted to go out drinking? It's no excuse to make you worry like that though...

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## Hereforyou

He says it's because he didn't want me to go on at him about drinking again.. 

I literally feel like telling him to sort himself out on his own because it's not fair he keeps making me feel like everything I do is wrong.. 

He wants me to trust him then comes up with this monumental story just to have a drink.. Came out with more rubbish about how I should just give up because that's apparently what I want to do.. Was back to being spiteful and vindictive..  

Even this morning when he left for work he lingered by the door and asked me if I wanted a kiss and a cuddle goodbye.. I said to him does he even want to give me one and he said that he isn't the one that's  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ed off ... I said because I am not the one that's lying and he just came out with "maybe you shouldn't moan about me having a drink" .. I said it was once and he just said that's enough..  He gave me a hug and tried to kiss me but I just gave him my cheek.. 

I feel so angry and disappointed with him...

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## Suzi

I am in no way excusing his behaviour, but could it have felt to him that you were having a go the other times?

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## Paula

Ok, I dont want to get involved in a should people with depression drink or not and I certainly dont want to give you ammunition against your partner as its every persons choice to make. However, theres a lot of literature in public view, including this, which explains the physiological response to alcohol. https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/alcohol...mental-health/

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## Hereforyou

Of course it did Suzi.. Because he's not looking at anything in a positive way.. Everything has a negative cause.. My mentioning him drinking that 1 time was because I am being mean.. Me being upset and offish one time was because of him rather than being ill or in pain.. Everything I do has a negative spin on it... 

Thanks Paula.. Unfortunately my mum has a problem with drink so I know all too well the effects it has.. 

I am just so upset with the huge need to lie about everything...

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## Suzi

Alcohol is a depressant. Each time he gets drunk he pretty much wipes out the anti d he's taken and sets himself back again. 
To be fair if you've had dealings with a parent with alcohol dependency then you'll always be more aware and sensitive around it. However, it doesn't sound as if you laid into him or lectured him about it... 
To be honest I think the lying would get to me so much.... Does he understand why you are upset?

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## Hereforyou

He's using it as a coping mechanism.. He says that it makes him feel like he can be normal again and actually be able to have a good time... 

I genuinely don't think I did and I told him that today.. I said it's unfair that he made out that I went on about it so much because that's not the case at all.. And if he just explained to me that he wanted to go out I would have told him to have fun and enjoy himself.... 

Yeah he does now.. And he agrees that if I did the same he would react in the same way.. He said he did it because he didn't want me to moan at him.. I told him that he's being completely irrational and how this isn't him.. He's never been like this so why's he being like it now... 

The depression is really getting to him though.. He talked about taking the easy way out again....

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## Suzi

If he's having suicidal thoughts then he needs to talk to someone asap - crisis team/samaritans/A+E/GP.....

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## Hereforyou

I keep telling him and he just wants to speak to the doctor.. He's so angry and fed up...

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## Suzi

Then maybe he needs to get an earlier, more urgent appointment?

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## Hereforyou

I think he will try to.. Yesterday was absolutely horrible.. He keeps going on about how he misses how happy he used to be back in December and how fed up he is of his life.. I tried to ask what he's unhappy with and he says how he's feeling and his depression... 

He told me that he doesn't want me to come next weekend (to his first paintball tournament of the year) because he wants to be on his own and have time to think..I am not sure what to think about that
. 

I asked why he can't think with me there and he said he just wants to be on his own.. I then offered to stay at my parents for a few days so he could do that and he said he didn't want me to do that because that was my home... He says he wants time to think about if he wants to carry on paintballing because he feels his anxiety is going to make it awful and going to mean he can't actually play.. I asked him if he's also going to think about us and he said no.. I told him that I am scared and insecure that he will just turn around and say it's me and my fault and then tell me how he doesn't want to be with me anymore.. He said it's not me...

But I am really unsure how to take it to be honest.... He loves paintball and has been doing it for over a decade.... I don't really know what's going on anymore... 

He's been getting so irate and angry these last couple of days.. Flying off the handle at even the slightest of things.. And last night he was just the same....

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## Paula

Im going to try to explain in terms of how that would make me feel but it may sting a bit. He may need to just figure out if he can cope with paintballing, the social interaction and his anxiety. He may want to make that decision without you as its not anything to do with you. Ive had to cope with those sorts of decisions all my life - and its often a decision I need to make without input from anyone else. Often, having others try to help me with those decisions is difficult as I worry they believe Im unable to make any decision due to my MH. 

And while all this is going on, youre trying to bring his attention back to you, despite him telling you its not you.

Can you not see how difficult this would be for him?

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## Hereforyou

Thanks Paula.. Doesn't sting at all  :):  ..

I see where you are coming from.. And think perhaps you're right.. I really do need to learn to stop letting what's happening now affect my feelings and just allow it to register as his illness and nothing else.. 

It's so hard to not take things personally.. But I know I really need to try hard to do it.. Sometimes I wish there was a switch in myself where I can turn it off and stop all of my own negativity and insecurities from surfacing right now...

I genuinely believe this is the hardest thing he's ever had to deal with in his life.. And I know at times I am not making things easier.. Sometimes  I am an idiot though and I do get things wrong.. And sometimes I can't control the demons in my head from making it about me or making it my fault.. 

Talking to you guys really really helps me to understand.. Thank you all so much...

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## Suzi

It's blimin hard to work it out whilst you're living with someone who can't explain how things are for them.... You might just have to put on a coat of armour and a "it's not him, it's depression" to get through this - whilst not taking anything personally because right now it more than likely isn't....

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## Hereforyou

You're 100% right.. In absolutely both senses.. Yes it's bloomin hard and even after my degree.. My career.. My own depression.. Bullying and seeing the breakdown of my parents marriage at a young age (although they're still together today) this is the hardest thing I've had to deal with too... 

And you're definitely right that I have to put on an unbreakable armour to not make this about me at any point....

In the most heartfelt and desperate way I really hope it isn't personal....

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## Suzi

Doesn't sound it to me so far...

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## Hereforyou

Sorry I am lost haha.. What doesn't sound what so far..??

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## Suzi

It doesn't sound personal... sorry  :O:

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## Hereforyou

Oh.. That's okay haha...

Sometimes I don't think so either... Just trying to take day by day and not over analyse what's going on.. Like even today he's come home from paintball and he's really quiet.. So I am trying my best to convince myself it's probably because he's tired and sore from hurting his shoulder and nothing more..

Also trying to look at the positives.. Like today when he came home he came to give me a cuddle and doesn't seem angry.. So that's good.. 

Trying very hard...

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## Suzi

Maybe you're trying too hard to be perfect? Maybe if you relaxed a bit and tried to be as normal as you normally are (lol - in this house totally odd and weird and not normal in the slightest) then he might find it easier to relax?

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## Hereforyou

Haha in my house normal isn't "normal" either lol....

I think I am being the "normal" me.. I am a very caring person normally so when I see he's in pain I tend to try and help.. I am just doing that as normal I guess... I am not really trying to be or act differently.. 

The thing I am trying harder to do is not over analyse and not be negative or take it personal.. That's definitely the thing I am trying to do consciously in my head..

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## Suzi

I know it's not easy, but it is necessary to not over analyse everything...

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## Hereforyou

You're definitely right...

I was thinking of calling his doctor tomorrow confidentially and explaining my concerns.. Particularly with how he has been this last week and the fact that we've heard nothing from the anger management or therapy referrals in over a month...

Of course I know the doctor can't tell me what they're talking about but I wanted to speak to him about my concerns and fears...

I've asked my partner about me going to the doctors with him but he doesn't want me to sadly...

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## Suzi

Don't do it behind his back. Maybe just say to him that you'd like to let the dr know how things are from your point of view as it might help to get him help quicker?

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## Hereforyou

I guess I could ask but I don't think he will want me to sadly...

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## Suzi

But if you go behind his back then it'll be definite proof to him that he can't trust you and that you are out to get him...

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## Hereforyou

I see what you mean.. That's definitely not my intention though  :(:  ..

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## Suzi

I know, but it's actually how things would be seen...

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## Hereforyou

I just feel really confused and upset.. Especially about his plans for next weekend.. He has always said to me throughout our relationship that he wanted me to come and support him at paintball.. And now all of a sudden he's saying that he doesn't want me to go because he wants to stay in a room by himself and think.. Because he wants space...

I asked him why he wants space again and if I should just go and stay at my parents so he can have space and he just moaned at me for making this about me.. I honestly feel like he's doing what he did to me all over again 2 months ago where he left to his mum's saying he needed space and time and then came back.. I just don't understand why he needs space and time again away from me  :(:   :(:  ...

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## Suzi

Then do something to make you happy next weekend - go and see a movie with a friend? Sit and watch all those movies he hates? Get a take away totally for you.... It doesn't have to be so negative.

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## Hereforyou

It's just the principal I guess... The fact that all of a sudden he doesn't want me there and wants space again  :(:  ..

Today he seems like he's in a "decent" mood.. He's able to laugh and joke again today.. A welcome change considering these last few days he's been very irritable and angry...

He was talking about paintball again this morning and I asked again if he's sure he doesn't want me to go and he said he doesn't know.. 

I literally have no idea what's going on with him...

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## Hereforyou

I forgot to add.. Now he's not even staying in a room by himself and is staying with someone else instead..

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## Suzi

The more you are asking him, the more pressure you are putting on him. Really love, he's said he wants to go alone so let him go alone.

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S deleted (07-05-18)

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## Paula

Suzis right, no couple has to be joined at the hip. My own personal opinion is that couples do better if they take time out for themselves sometimes. Maybe this is just one of those times

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## Hereforyou

I know..  You're both right.. I think it just upsets me that for some many years I purposely didn't go because I wanted to give him time and space without me and he always used to get upset about that.. And now I am going he doesn't actually want me to.. It really seems as though he doesn't even know if he truly doesn't want me to go... 

Yesterday was probably the best day I've seem him for a while.. He had a bit of a hiccup he said when he started to think and stress about next weekend as it's their first tournament of the year.. But aside from that he said he didn't feel angry at all in the day.. Just stressed out about paintball.. 

I told him his proud I was of him and how well I think he's coping and functioning when he said he's feeling bad.. And I told him how much he means to me when he said I shouldn't care about him.. 

But honestly a huge proportion of the day he seemed to "allow" his old self to come to the surface much better... Especially considering for the past week he had felt so angry all the time... 

He's going to get his blood tests and samples done today thank goodness.. I am super pleased he's finally doing them a month later...

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## Suzi

Maybe you praising him for acting "more him" actually just piles heaps more pressure on him to be like that all the time, and not allowing him to be able to say how he's genuinely feeling?

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## Hereforyou

He tells me how's he's feeling.. When he's stressed ans feeling crappy.. I just remind him that he's not completely lost or a lost cause because there are still elements of him coming through and he still cares enough to try for those around him... 

What I don't want to happen is for him to not see the positives in his day I.e. being able to laugh yesterday whereas he was completely unable to do so for a week prior to that..

He's always been an extremely negative person and I don't want him to not see the positives in how he's being..... If that makes sense....

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## Suzi

> He tells me how's he's feeling.. When he's stressed ans feeling crappy.. I just remind him that he's not completely lost or a lost cause because there are still elements of him coming through and he still cares enough to try for those around him...


 But surely those around him should accept him as his is and not want to change him. Obviously you don't want him to be poorly, but to imply that if he isn't putting on a mask of "happy" then he isn't trying and isn't caring about those around him is really awful. That's akin to "Pull yourself together" 




> What I don't want to happen is for him to not see the positives in his day I.e. being able to laugh yesterday whereas he was completely unable to do so for a week prior to that..
> 
> He's always been an extremely negative person and I don't want him to not see the positives in how he's being..... If that makes sense....


I get that you want him to see the positives, but you pointing them out isn't necessarily helpful and pushing him to be positive could make the depressive thoughts so much worse.... If he genuinely can't see anything positive, you pushing him to do so will only reinforce that he's not able to "even see that" or that you saying that he should be positive about things means that he can't tell you how bad he is feeling....

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## Hereforyou

We do.. We've spent the last week with him being angry and irritable without so much as a reaction as we are doing our best to accept things..

I am not implying he's not trying at all.. I am simply trying to reinforce to him that he's not completely lost or a lost cause.. I am trying my best to make him feel better.. I've never ever said to him to pull himself together.. I simply meant in the sense that for a whole week he couldn't feel anything aside from anger and that meant he couldn't laugh or smile whereas yesterday he didn't feel anger so felt like he could.laugh or smile so surely it's progress.. 

To be honest then I am even more lost on what I should or shouldn't say.. He opens up to me and tells me he's feelikng crappy and he's a lost cause so naturally I try to make him feel better by pointing out that he isn't.. 

I guess I am just not good at any of this and probably am just making him worse from the sounds of things...

There doesn't seem to be any right way to do this.. Only multiple wrong ways...

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## Suzi

That's just it, there are no "right" ways of doing it at all. I'm only trying to help, I didn't mean to upset or offend. I went through around 18 years of depression/anxiety/paranoia/social phobia/panic attacks with Marc and it's only now that there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I have tried everything to "make him feel better" but honestly? Looking back I think what helped the most was me just carrying on as me... Doing things like make him a drink when I had one and food when I had it - because he didn't know if he was hungry or thirsty. I've been angry, I've shouted, I've cried, I've begged and pleaded and prayed as hard as possible.... None of it really made that much difference. He needed the right medication and the right therapy... Now we have many more good days and I'm getting "my Marc" back again, but hunni there really isn't a one size fits all strategy. Every person with depression responds to different things - some may find the right meds for them on the first one. Marc had 4 others before Fluoxetine that helped him after his first (and biggest) breakdown, but it took a while to get the dosage right. But then that left him completely numb to everything and everyone.  He then went back onto fluoxetine for his most recent crash and it did nothing. So then he has changed meds which has helped loads, and he's not numb - just seriously fatigued. But as he says, that's much more preferable to how he was feeling. 
I know I'm waffling, but you have to stop trying to analyse everything that he says/does and everything you do or say... Sweetheart, just relax and be you.

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S deleted (08-05-18)

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## Hereforyou

I wish there was a right way  :(:  .. oh no you didn't offend me.. sorry if it seemed that way.. That's just me feeling a bit useless and self pitying.. 

That's the thing I am normally like that.. If I see someone sad or upset my first reaction is to hug them and say/do things to make them feel better.. I know when I am feeling low (which of course is no comparison to how he's feeling) people reassuring me that I am not useless and rubbish tends to make me feel better .. With my partner he's always been ridiculously self critical (probably the problem with us both) so whenever he's felt like that I've always tried to reassure him that how's he's feeling isn't warranted.. 

With my depression it was just knowing that someone's there that loves me and genuinely wants to be there for me that made the biggest difference.. I guess that's just what I am trying to help him see that's all.. Especially with him constantly saying I shouldn't love him and care because he's messed up and a lost cause....

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## Paula

When Im in crisis, people around me telling me to look at the positives makes me furious. It is never about being miserable or grumpy, its about desperately trying to hold back your mind and body from sliding into a pit. When youre doing everything you can to stay out of that pit, for someone to come along and ask you to see the silver lining feels insulting, hurtful and insensitive, and just makes things worse.

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## Hereforyou

I am not trying to be..

Please if you have more helpful things to do or say please let me know..  As Suzi says I am just trying to remain who I am and who I have always been... And not trying too hard or treating him differently...

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## Suzi

Let him go to paintball on his own. Don't even ask about you going again this week. Let him ask you, if he changes his mind. It might be what he needs - and it might be exactly what you need. Some respite from feeling like you have to be treading on eggshells all the time.

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## Hereforyou

I am going to... I don't think he will change his mind but either way I am not going to mention it until Saturday when I wish him luck and to have a good time.. 

Thankfully yesterday there didn't feel a need to walk on egg shells again.. He seemed annoyed when he came in from work but quickly seemed to forget about that when he came home and allowed himself to joke around... He did seem to get stressed and angry when he got some bad news about paintball but managed to move past that and go back to joking around after a little bit of time and after talking about what had annoyed him.. 

I accidently upset him though when I was on my laptop and I had to download some photos (I had 6 days to do it and he was on his phone so he wasn't paying attention) from our holiday in December.. When he saw them it made him really sad and he cried because he remembers that being the last time he genuinely truly felt happy.. I felt awful and apologised for not being sensitive enough in the first place...

I am keeping optimistic that this is a sign that the tablets have settled in his system after making him volatile like you said and that hopefully they may start to allow him to feel some improvements..

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## Hereforyou

I forgot to mention.. He forgot his antidepressant in the morning yesterday.. He just noticed this morning and said that's no wonder he felt like crap yesterday.. He's doing well at masking the fact that he might be feeling like crap though if that's the case...

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## Suzi

> I felt awful and apologised for not being sensitive enough in the first place...


You were downloading photos - you didn't do it to make him feel bad... 



> I forgot to mention.. He forgot his antidepressant in the morning yesterday.. He just noticed this morning and said that's no wonder he felt like crap yesterday.. He's doing well at masking the fact that he might be feeling like crap though if that's the case...


That will make him feel bad...

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## Paula

> That will make him feel bad...


And may make the next few days a little tough too

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## Hereforyou

No I didn't.. He acknowledged I didn't do it on purpose when I said sorry and gave him a hug.... 

Yeah he said.. I am not sure what he meant by "feeling crappy" though as he genuinely didn't seem to "act" it.. Especially in comparison to how he acted and felt last week...

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## Hereforyou

Oh will it.. That's a shame... Should i expect him to be particularly low for the next few days then...?

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## Suzi

Not necessarily low.. but it affects each person differently and the medications  - eg my husband is currently on Venlafexine. He missed a tablet on Sunday morning by accident and he's been pretty much exhausted and every time he sits down he fell asleep. It's fine, and he's back on track, but it does have repercussions- did you ever miss a dose of medication when you were depressed?

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## Hereforyou

Ahh I see what you mean.. 

If I am honest I don't remember too much.. I don't think I did because I don't "specifically" remember it but a large proportion of that time feels like a trance as it is...

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## Suzi

What meds were you on? Did you have therapy?

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## Hereforyou

I was under 18 so I could only use Fluxotine and yeah I did.. I was in therapy for almost a year...

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## Suzi

That's really fortunate - mostly it's 6 sessions now...

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## Hereforyou

6 sessions :0 .. Is that it..? Oh my it has changed.. What happens if you need more..?

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## Suzi

Sometimes you can get extra sessions, but not always and sometimes you need re referrals... It's different with each CMHT too - My husband had 6 sessions with one, weekly visits for 3 months from a CPN at home with another and with the other he had about a years worth of weekly psychotherapy...

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## Hereforyou

Oh my.. Your poor husband.. That sounds awful for him.. Surely that hindered his recovery even more...?

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## Suzi

Hey, I've been his main support and carer for all the time I've known him.... I love him to the ends of the earth and I'd gladly do it, but yes certain systems have seriously f***** things up along the way...

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## Hereforyou

There's a special seat saved for people like you Suzi  :):  ... I wish there was more support for mental health... 

Sadly the whole coronation street episode triggered a downward spiral of low feelings and sadness... Including a panic attack too  :(:  ...

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## magie06

I found Corrie very hard to deal with too. It triggered a lot of feelings around what I went through since Christmas. But that's what they invented the off button for, and although I usually love Corrie, I switched off last night.

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Suzi (10-05-18)

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## Hereforyou

That's a similar sort of time to when my partner started to suffer... 

I completely understood how it would make him feel.. It even made me cry.. My nanna was watching it whilst we were both out and we came in to it and within 5 minutes I started to get emotional and turned it off.. 

I noticed his mood had changed after I turned it off and I asked and he kept saying everything was fine.. That was until he had a panic attack and he couldn't deny things weren't fine...

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## Paula

> I wish there was more support for mental health....


Dont we all, hunni

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## Hereforyou

It was really sad to see his reaction last night.. He's so worried about not being able to cope this weekend.. He cried so much and it genuinely was so heartbreaking to see.. I asked if he would like to go out and see how he copes before he goes and he just broke down saying how he's fed up going places he doesn't want to (meaning work, the tube etc) .. I wish so much that there was something I could do.. I watched the strongest man I know break down like a little boy and it hurt so much.. He said he doesn't know what to do anymore and what's frustrasting is all I can say is to go back to the doctors and it's equally as frustrating for him to hear me say that.. 

I took some stuff off of his plate by saying I would handle them for him instead but there's things I can't do to help and it's so frustrating...

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## Suzi

Is he coping at being at work?

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## Hereforyou

Yes and no.. He is busy at work so it helps to take his mind off of things but no because he hates going and sometimes has problems and arguments at work....

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## Suzi

What about being signed off for a week or so? Has that idea been suggested to him? When's his Dr's appointment?

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## Hereforyou

Trouble is he's self employed so no work no pay and that'll just make him worse I think.. I've suggested it to him and said we will manage financially but I think he feels bad because I've taken the slack financially alot through the course of our relationship and I think that bothers him... 

The appointment is tomorrow.. I so badly wish that he would let me go with him.. Just to know what's being done to help him.. They got another referral letter through on the 19th April and just didn't do anything with it so now it's lapsed almost a month he has to be referred again.. I am so angry at how negligent they're being about it..

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## Suzi

If he doesn't want you to go then you have to respect his wishes, no matter how hard it is for you lovely.... We're here to talk to though...

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## Hereforyou

And you guys are being incredibly helpful and reassuring.. 

You're right.. I should respect his wishes and I do.. I just feel a little bit pushed away though.. Like he doesn't want to spend too much time with me...

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## Suzi

That's not the case at all, I'm sure of that.

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## magie06

The thing with depression is that we sometimes push the people who mean the most to us away. It seems personal but it's a coping mechanism. And to have someone seeming to want to know how we are feeling at every moment of every day, makes us want to shut down altogether. Remember it's not personal it's the depression.

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Suzi (10-05-18)

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## Hereforyou

I know you're right Magie.. I wish there was an off switch to stop me taking it personally.. 

Suzi.. I hope you're right and it's not.. Sometimes my demons don't seem to let things go..

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## Suzi

Hang on in there lovely. 

What are you going to do to pamper and treat yourself this weekend whilst he's away?

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## Hereforyou

My mum has my nephews and my niece so I plan to wake up late both days.. Go to the gym and have a training session and then spend the days with my beautiful babies...

I am going to have dinner with my best friend round her place on Sunday which will be nice...I have no intention of messaging or calling my partner any time aside to wish him luck on Sunday...

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## Suzi

I'm seriously pleased that you're planning on doing things that make you happy!

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## Hereforyou

Thank you.. I am pleased to actually be able to get away from him...

I am really upset this morning.. Perhaps stupidly but I asked him about going to the doctors with him again today.. I told him I only wanted to go so that I could talk to the doctors myself and find out what's happening and what I can and can't do to help... 

Of course that went down like a lead balloon and he started to get angry.. I asked if there was something he wasn't telling me because I couldn't understand why he didn't want me to go as he never stopped me before.. As per usual he started to get nasty and speak to me like rubbish which created a vicious circle of me getting upset and him getting more angry..

I tried to apologise for going on and give him a hug before he left for work and he just walked off..

In the end he called me useless because apparently I make him late for work everyday (by not physically waking him up out of bed only calling up the stairs for him to get up) and pathetic for crying when he said then.. I told him I was trying my best through tears and just got told to grow up.. 

Today.. I feel like crawling into a ball and crying alone in my bed...

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## Paula

Sweetie, hes made it very clear several times that he didnt want you to go with him - you have to treat him with respect, and respect his wishes.

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## Suzi

He shouldn't have been nasty to you, but I agree with Paula. He doesn't want you to go with him and you have to stop pushing those decisions....

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## Hereforyou

But I don't understand why.. He's never had a problem before and now he does.. Even friends have said we are supposed to be a partnership so why is he locking me out of something to important.. 

He doesn't seem to respect my decisions or feelings so why should I.. I am fed up of doing so much for him and getting the smallest of things thrown back in my face...

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## Paula

> He doesn't seem to respect my decisions or feelings so why should I....


Because you love him, because hes ill, because sometimes we have to take the crap as well as the good times.

We have explained so many times why he might not want you to go to the doctors with him and, ultimately, he has the right to talk to his doctor in confidence. He may want to talk about things he doesnt want you to hear and may feel stifled in front of you - for instance I knew my husband knew I was suicidal but I couldnt bear to talk about that with my doctor in front of my husband.

Does your partner go to all your doctors appointment with you?

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## Hereforyou

I know you're right Paula.. I do love him.. But it's just so hard when he keeps treating me like he barely wants me around anymore.. I genuinely feel like he would much prefer it if I just walked away.. He doesn't seem to appreciate anything I do and seems to act like I am no more helpful than he's "mates" at work.... 

To be honest yeah he did.. And I went to his before too.. The only times we didn't was when the other was working.. I just don't know how much longer I can deal with him making me feel like crap for just trying to do something nice...

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## Suzi

If you walk away you will only be proving the illness right - that he is useless, unlovable and only deserves to be alone....
He's not going tp show appreciation right now when he's struggling so much....

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## Hereforyou

But he keeps making me feel like that's exactly what he wants.. To be alone.. He even said that's why he doesn't want me to come this weekend so that he can be alone.. Perhaps I should just let him be alone permanently.. 

I just don't want everything thrown back in my face every time I do something to annoy or upset him...

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## magie06

In my opinion I think he's being a bully. However bad you feel with depression it doesn't excuse bad behaviour. 
In this case I think I'd let him go on his weekend and see how things are when he gets back on Sunday evening.

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Suzi (11-05-18)

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## Hereforyou

I am just going to do that Magie.. He never seems to see any problem in how he speaks or what he does lately.. It's all just my fault...

I think I will just leave him to sulk now.. I am not going to try anymore than I already have.. 

And as bad as it feels for me to say this I couldn't care less if me being off with him makes him feel worse..

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## magie06

Try to do something nice for yourself this weekend. Meet up with friends for coffee and a good old natter. Go to the cinema, see a girly movie that your bf wouldn't go to with you. See your parents. Have a big Sunday lunch with all the trimmings. But please don't sit and wonder what he's doing or thinking all weekend. Live in the moment each day, and even pretend that you are a young free and single for these 2 days.

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## Hereforyou

I am going to...

Although not sure I should act like I am single....

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## magie06

It's always good to act young free and single.

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## Hereforyou

Haha the young and free bit yes but acting single in a relationship I am not sure I agree with..

If that's the case I might as well be single...

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## Suzi

> I am just going to do that Magie.. He never seems to see any problem in how he speaks or what he does lately.. It's all just my fault...
> 
> I think I will just leave him to sulk now.. I am not going to try anymore than I already have.. 
> 
> And as bad as it feels for me to say this I couldn't care less if me being off with him makes him feel worse..


I'm not sure that he's "sulking" at all! 
If you genuinely don't care if you're making him better or worse, then you need to seriously think about things this weekend...

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## Hereforyou

I guess I am just angry at the moment.. Of course I do care.. I care about him massively.. 

But I hate the way he's been making me feel about myself.. And I hate that he gets a "get out of jail free card" because he doesn't see the problem in what's he's done..

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## Hereforyou

He's now missed his doctors appointment and has no more antidepressants left.. All because we had an argument this morning.. 

Now he's not come home after work again and his phone is off.. He hasn't communicated with me saying he was gonna be late or anything ...

This is exactly why I feel like making him leave...

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## Paula

Youre angry so youre more likely to do or say something youll regret. Just put everything aside - your feelings, worries for the future etc - and dont make any decisions until youre calm and rational. Believe me, thats the only way youre going to be able to do the right thing for both of you

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## Hereforyou

But how can I carry on like this.. I am sat here crying my eyes out after only a week after him doing this to me again...

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## Suzi

Why did he miss his appointment?

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## Hereforyou

Because he's gone out drinking....

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## Hereforyou

Or so I assume he is.. He hasn't contacted me at all today and his phone is off so I have no clue what or where he is again....

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## Suzi

Sweetheart I don't know what to say.
So he's out of anti d's and has gone away? 
What was the argument about?

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## Hereforyou

I am absolutely in bits.. He acts like he doesn't love me and doesn't care.. He rolled in this morning at 230am saying he went to the pub.. Left at 8pm and has been sat on the trains going back and forth because he fell asleep for 6 hours.. He lost his brand new £900 phone though he claims to "think" he knows where it is which leads me to believe his whole story is made up again.. 

He went away this morning as I basically made sure he got up and left.. He said he forgot about the doctors but remembered that he was  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ed off with me because of the argument this morning (which was because I asked to go to the doctors) .. He phoned them and asked them for an emergency prescription for 7 days but I had to pick them up for him so he hasn't got any for tomorrow so is going to skip tomorrow... 

I am at my wits end with him.. Every one including his own friends and mother is telling me to kick him out...

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## Suzi

Why did you ask him again about going to the drs yesterday? He'd made it really clear he didn't want you to go...... 

He's not right, but you keep pressuring him is going to cause him to kick off.
Wait and see if his phone "turns up" 

Make sure you have a lovely evening tonight....

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## Hereforyou

I went through why I asked again beforehand.. But I also apologised after it happened and he carried it on... 

I don't think I want to sit around and wait anymore.. Every time he does something our of order or mean to me he just seems to get away with it because he's depressed.. Meanwhile I am sat here gutted and extremely low myself and he's off paintballing having a whale of a time not even with a care in the world or thought for me.. 

I am trying my best to be supportive but I get the smallest of things thrown in my face and no thanks whatsoever for even the smallest of gestures...

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## Suzi

I can understand why you are feeling like that.... 
I've already said that actually depression isn't an excuse for treating you badly - ever.

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## Hereforyou

So I think when he comes home tomorrow I will tell him to go back to his mum's.. He hasn't bothered to text or call me today knowing I am upset and angry at him... 

And to top it off.. He told me he didn't want me to go paintball with him so he could have space and time to sit in a room on his own and think but I've just been told he's currently sat in the bar with the entire paintball team laughing and enjoying himself..

As much as I want him to enjoy himself I get the feeling now that it was never about needing time to think about work and paintball it was just an excuse to get away from me...

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## Suzi

Who told you that?

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## Hereforyou

My partner told me he wanted space and time to think about what's wrong with him and what's going on in his head...

And my dad (who's there as the camera man and driver) is with them now and told me my partner is in the bar (not drinking) having a laugh surrounded by the team...

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## Suzi

So he isn't drinking? Could he be just trying to fit in? 
Did you have a good day with your nephews?

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## Hereforyou

Not that my dad can tell no.. Possibly but my dad is very cross with him and thinks he's acting really carefree..

I had an okay day...Unfortunately I was really down about him so it hindered my day...

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## Suzi

Do you trust him?

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## Hereforyou

I did.. But since he lied to me I don't trust his stories..

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## Suzi

Can you try to have a good day tomorrow and leave major decisions till after then?

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## Hereforyou

I've just found out that he was actually at the pub with a girl I specifically asked him if something was going on with because he was seeing her every day and he purposely "set me up" to find him looking at her... He left his phone with her after the pub closed at 11pm and he got in at 230am or in the pub whilst he is with her....

Starting to think this depression he apparently had is because of a guilty conscious or doesn't even exist anyway..

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## Suzi

Sorry, am a little lost - are you saying that he is there at the paintballing event with that girl?

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## Hereforyou

No he's at paintball but when he didn't come home from work on Friday and came in at 230 am he was with that girl..

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## Suzi

Who told you?

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## Hereforyou

I've seen it on Facebook

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## Paula

Surely if he was cheating, he wouldnt be naive enough to allow evidence to get onto Facebook?

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## Hereforyou

There isn't evidence of the two of them together.. Just evidence that they were in the same place at the same time.. 

My mum decided to message the girl and the girl said he told her he wasn't happy with me and didn't think he loved me anymore.. Saying how he is depressed and so on.. But is sometimes flirty saying she's pretty and so on.. Apparently nothing has gone on..

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## Suzi

Can I be blunt? I may upset/offend, but I don't mean to... 

Do you not think that this should be something the two of you work out? It's just you seem to have lots of involvement from your parents, his mate, this girl, facebook etc. Everyone has their own agenda, and actually part of dealing with this is standing up and actually dealing with it - just the two of you. 

He doesn't want you to go away with him, he doesn't want you to go to the drs...  
This is all very well and you have to respect those wishes, but he's lied to you, he's made up that a friend was having suicidal thoughts when he wasn't and he was in the same place at the same time as a girl..... Your Mum has contacted the girl - you know as well as I do that she's now been in contact with him telling him that you don't trust him. Whilst he's away your Dad is effectively spying on him and reporting back to you too.... None of this paints you as anything but paranoid... 

The thing is a lot of this isn't depression. You don't deliberately do things to upset and hurt the person you claim to love. You don't say to them that you have lost your phone when actually you've just been out getting pi$$ed... You don't lie about someone having suicidal thoughts just so you can go out on the pi$$. 

But then you shouldn't have been checking his phone, you shouldn't have kept on about going with him or going to the drs with him... 

This just doesn't seem healthy on either side right now.  Do you see what I mean?

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## Suzi

How are things?

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## Hereforyou

So things are a bit uneasy at the moment... After all of the revelations this weekend I am not too sure what's happening now...

So to recap.. My partner went out last week Friday (May 4th) when he made up that monumental lie about his friend so that he could go out drinking as so that I wouldn't moan at him for drinking.. We argued about it and I told him that he crossed a line lying and crossed and even bigger line by not contacting me so I wouldn't worry.. I thought that was it..

Then on Friday (11th May) we had an argument in the morning because I went on and on about going to the doctors with him (yes I know he had mentioned it before but I wanted to try to make him see it wasn't about holding his hand more about me asking questions myself) .. Despite trying to apologise and move on he turned nasty (as he normally does when he feels pushed too far) .. He then didn't go to the doctors appointment after work and didn't come home until 230am .. With no message or call to let me know he was going straight out or that he was okay.. When he finally did come home he had lost his phone somewhere (doesn't know where) and said he had fallen asleep on the train countless times so that's why he was so late.. I told him he needed to think about our relationship and what he was doing to it and me by being so unfair and letting me worry like mad only a week after asking him not to do that.. 

I woke him up early in the morning to go to paintball and told him he needs to think long and hard about what he's doing...

Whilst at paintball my dad saw that he seemed okay.. Didn't seem like he was anxious or down.. Was capable of having a laugh/joke etc... The entire day my dad also noticed that he had used several different people's phones to try to call the bar where he thought he had left his phone.. This upset my dad as he felt like he should have been more concerned with me being upset and should have tried to contact me..

Saturday evening my dad called me and told me about my partner calling the bar several times and seeming like he was talking to someone (again my dad was upset about this) .. I then put 2 and 2 together and realised that the bar my partner was in was the same bar as the girl he had made me feel so insecure about was also in.. I saw red at this stage.. I completely felt like he was up to something with her and felt like there was more to their communication then her just serving him food in the cafe.. 

At that point I threw some pictures of us around and packed his stuff to leave.. 

In the morning my dad tried to tell my partner that he needed to go home as I was in a bad way and I was really upset and angry.. My dad however did not tell him why just told him that I was upset about something as I wanted to confront him with what I saw myself.. My partner said he didn't want to go as he didn't want to let the team down.. This then made me feel even worse..

After some time I felt heartbroken and distraught.. Thinking that my partner had either cheated on me or had every intention to as he may have liked this girl.. 

At that point my mum messaged the girl.. At first it was a simple message which she blocked straight away and then went on to block me so I couldn't contact her (despite me not contacting her anyway) ..  Eventually she unblocked my mum and my mum asked her out right..

She told my mum that nothing had ever happened between her and my partner and explained she had a child and a partner and was happy.. She went on to tell my mum how my partner had told her he was depressed and how he wasn't happy and hadn't been since December (something he has always said to me) .. She then went on to say how he had also told her he wasn't in love with me anymore and how he wasn't happy with me anymore.. Apparently she had told him to try and be happy and try to love me again because he once did.. She had also said my partner had called her pretty but had never flirted with her and always told the girls and her that he has a girlfriend.. She said he told her during his lunch breaks when he would come to her cafe and how he told her first in March (when he first realised he was depressed) and again about a month ago.. 

I was absolutely gutted.. He had never told me that he doesn't love me anymore.. Only that he didn't know if he did because he didn't feel anything and that he wasn't sure if he knew he loved me because he does or because he did... I even asked if he still loves me and said it's okay if he didn't..

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## Hereforyou

When he came home I confronted him with it.. He told me he never told her that he didn't love me anymore and only told her he was depressed because everyone had started to notice he had changed and saw the cuts on his arms.. 

I asked why he called her pretty and if he fancies her and he told me he didn't but he said it when she was upset because of an argument with her boyfriend and he said it to make her feel better..  That annoyed me more because I asked why he couldn't do the same for me when I was upset and he said he didn't know... 

He said he wasn't fine at paintball and said he had a a panic attack and then when he heard about me he went and sat on his own and cried when he begun over thinking things... My brother told him it was something to do with him with coming home so he started to over think that I was thinking he was cheating... 

I asked him to leave and he begun packing everything saying how he would leave anyway.. Lots of things were said including things neither of us meant.. 

Eventually after the anger subsided he sat down and begun crying because he realised he messed everything up and felt really bad.. He cried saying he didn't want to lose me and didn't want to split up.. How he doesn't know why he lied and how he isn't thinking straight.. He sobbed saying he felt lost and broken and how he knows he's been treating me badly.. He said again about going to his mum's to "level himself out" and I gave him a choice of either staying, a break or ending our relationship.. He kept saying he didn't know what to do or what he was doing with his life.. He just doesn't feel anything apart from anger and misery.. He feels like the depression is and has gotten worse and he wants to take the easy way out...

He sobbed in my arms like a little boy when he explained how lost and broken he felt and how he knew he wasn't acting like himself.. He told me he would never cheat on me and when I asked him why he lied he said he knew I would be upset and I said it was because he knew what he was doing was wrong by being there with her and lying to me everytime I asked if they were close.. 

He said he feels like he's let me down and I told him that depression isn't making him act like an idiot.. He is.. He said he has an "F" it attitude and has had one since last Friday (4th) and that's when he started wanting space again.. 

Again I asked him several times to just go to his mum's.. He told me how i apparently really wanted him to go and I just said that's what he wants and he kept saying perhaps he didnt want to.. Eventually he decided that he wanted to stay with me rather than go to his mum's..

I told him I no longer trust him and that he needs to take responsibility for the reason why and he needs to stop blaming depression for acting selfish and irrational.. He said he doesn't think things through before he does them and then realises in the end.. 

He said he feels guilty and now feels even more depressed.. He didn't do particularly well to comfort me when I was sad which makes it all the more upsetting that he could comfort her when she was.. I asked if it was because he didn't want to say lies but then he said he didn't know why he couldn't or didn't comfort me.. 

Even when I asked him why he wants to stay together he said because he knew we were happy and if in 6 months he could have anything it would be that the depression is better and we are together happy.. He said he wants everything with me (kids, marriage, a house etc) and didn't want to lose me.. 

Quite frankly it has been an awful couple of days.. I've felt betrayed.. Heartbroken.. Hurt..  Lied to and mugged off.. But I still love this man more than anything.. Perhaps you're going to tell me I am an idiot for believing what he's saying.. Perhaps you're even going to tell me our relationship doesn't sound healthy.. But it was never like this.. He was never like this and neither was I..

Perhaps our relationship is doomed to fail because of depression.. But I want to try and support him.. I still love him and I am still hoping he loves me too.. Deep down I am still hoping that he loves me the same as he once did..

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## Suzi

It does sound like a horrid few days, but you sound really determined to make it work and I hope it does for you!

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## Hereforyou

It has been awful Suzi.. I felt every emotion possible and I didn't know what to do.. Saturday I was determined our relationship was over.. Sunday morning I was also determined it was over.. Then I started to wonder if there was any hope we could save it and after spending Sunday evening and all day yesterday talking I realise still I love this guy so much.. 

I don't know if he loves me.. And I don't know if his story is true.. Or even if the depression will ever get better.. But I still feel like I have a fight left in me.. I just hope I am making the right decision and that we can get our happy ending together like we both want...

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## Paula

So theres no evidence, only hearsay, that hes been cheating on you?

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## Hereforyou

Apart from the fact that they were in the same pub together and that he told her (and others) about his depression.. There's no evidence at all...

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## Paula

So both of you had a horrible time and are completely miserable because you doubted whether he was loyal to you? Perhaps you need to be a bit kinder and more forgiving of each other

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## Hereforyou

Well no not because I doubted his loyalty because he made up an incredibly elaborate story the week before that wasn't remotely true.. Because he had started to be horrible and nasty to me and because he kept on neglecting to communicate with me when he was going out leaving me at home worrying and being in a bar with someone I blatantly told him I am uncomfortable and insecure about because he made out something was going on.

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## Suzi

So, can you draw a line and move on? Is he going back to the Drs?

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## Hereforyou

I can certainly try.. I am just hoping he will get better one day and remember that he does love me..

Yes he has an appointment on Friday.. He hasn't gone in to work for the last couple of days as he said he's feeling really very low and it would be too easy to opt for the easy way out.. 

We've also looked in to Accupuncture and Cranosacrial Therapy as short term reliefs for how he's feeling... Particularly as he has used holistic therapies in the past and felt like it helped...

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## Suzi

Can he not get an earlier appointment? Maybe by calling early on the day? 
I don't think for one second it's about "forgetting" that he loves you - more that the overwhelming darkness is so engulfing that actually you can't see anything or feel anything but empty despair...

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## Hereforyou

Sadly not.. The doctor he normally sees is only there on Fridays and that's the earliest time he can get too.. 

I hope you're right.. It saddens me that he says things like "we aren't exactly acting like boyfriend and girlfriend" and then when I say why he lmlwa why but doesn't feel like he can act like a boyfriend.. And even more so when he says he doesn't know if he is still in love with me or if he knows he used to love me...

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## Suzi

Sorry... lmlwa?

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## Hereforyou

Sorry haha.. I meant to say he knows why but doesn't feel like he can act like that...

I gave him plently of chances to leave and plenty of chances to go off and get some space...

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## Paula

But have you given him any chances to just be? Sounds to me like hes incapable of making any decisions at the moment and probably is struggling to cope with questions and/or judgements about your relationship from you, your parents, friends etc

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## Hereforyou

Well yes of course I have.. He has had depression for over 2 months now and I haven't spent every day or even every week asking him to make decisions.. But considering the way he was acting this last week I think those questions needed to be asked and I do feel like I have every reason to ask those questions.. 

If he wants to go surely he can make a decision to just go..?

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## magie06

Any decision can be nearly impossible to someone who is suffering from depression. Some times it's impossible to decide whether to get up in the morning or not.

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## Hereforyou

I can't help but feel like right now I've made the wrong decision by staying with him.. He seemed so angry and miserable yesterday.. He talks about knowing we aren't acting like a couple but does nothing to change it.. He's done things purposely to hurt to me and even admitted it.. He's said he's realised he's ruined everything but doesn't comfort me or do anything to make me feel better.. He talks about not knowing if he still loves me or just knowing he once used to...

Is this all part of the depression or am I holding out for a love that's already lost...???

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## Suzi

> Well yes of course I have.. He has had depression for over 2 months now and I haven't spent every day or even every week asking him to make decisions.. But considering the way he was acting this last week I think those questions needed to be asked and I do feel like I have every reason to ask those questions.. 
> 
> If he wants to go surely he can make a decision to just go..?


Hold on - right now I doubt he even knows whether he is hungry or thirsty or if he wants tea or coffee and you think he's in a fit state to make such a monumental decision? I don't think you're being fair to him at all with that comment actually. 
No, he shouldn't have done those things, but you shouldn't have "gone on and on" about going with him to the paintballing and the Drs when he'd made himself crystal clear that he didn't want you to go. 




> I can't help but feel like right now I've made the wrong decision by staying with him.. He seemed so angry and miserable yesterday.. He talks about knowing we aren't acting like a couple but does nothing to change it.. He's done things purposely to hurt to me and even admitted it.. He's said he's realised he's ruined everything but doesn't comfort me or do anything to make me feel better.. He talks about not knowing if he still loves me or just knowing he once used to...
> Actually most therapists - and us - recommend NOT making such massive and life changing decisions when they are so poorly. 
> 
> Is this all part of the depression or am I holding out for a love that's already lost...???


What is it you want him to do to "change it?" I don't think you understand quite what he's dealing with right now. 
I truly am sorry you are struggling but I think your main focus right now needs to be getting him more stable and more able to deal with this rather than you needing comforting.. I do truly understand as I've been there and I know how much it hurts - but he's no where near ready to make those decisions you want..

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S deleted (16-05-18)

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## Paula

I know youre not married but, if you were, youd have made vows to be with each other in sickness and in health. To me, if youre in a long term relationship, living together, there should be that intention there. This is his sickness. Youve been a member here for two months and posted over 230 comments. In all that time Ive not once felt that you came here trying to understand what hes going through but that your focus has been on what youre going through. You wont like hearing this and for that I apologise as I dont want to hurt you but you run the very real risk of losing someone you care for deeply - you have to change how you think about this.

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S deleted (16-05-18)

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## Hereforyou

I didn't go on about going paintball with him.. He couldn't make up his mind but when he did make up his mind I left him to it and didn't mention it again.. Yes I did go on again about going to the doctors with him but I tried to apologise but instead was met with anger and abuse.. 

I want him to at least try.. He van go to the pub and "try" to be normal with his friends because he's having a drink.. He can talk to these women in the cafe and tell them he's depressed and stuff.. He can tell this woman a comforting remark when she's feeling down.. But he can't even do anything similar for me.. He can't even tell me that he doesn't want to lose me.. 

My brother is fuming with him and thinks that he had every intention to do something with this woman.. He's also even more upset that he didn't leave paintball when he suspected I thought he was cheating.. 

I just want to feel loved.. I want to feel like this woman would never come between us because she means nothing.. Instead I feel like there's potential that she may not mean nothing.. 

I completely agree with what you're saying paula as I feel the same when it comes to long term relationships..  And I had every intention to marry this man.. 

You're right I don't understand what he's going through.. And it breaks my heart to feel like he's using an illness as a get out of jail free card because he is acting like an idiot..

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## Suzi

I don't know why this woman has upset you so much? Why don't you trust him?  - Before the last weeks lie...
Sweetheart he shouldn't have to pretend to you - you're meant to love him and support him even when knowing how bad he's feeling. 

If you don't think that you can get through this as a couple - have you thought about relationship counselling? It might help both of you to say safely what's in your heads and see if you can work it out...

ETA I don't think ANYONE would suffer the way he sounds as if he is as a "get out of jail free card." That's a really harsh thing to say...

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OldMike (16-05-18)

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## Hereforyou

I didn't trust him entirely no.. In August I found out he had previously messaged an old friend of his some really inappropriate messages.. I forgave him and agreed to take him back however it still remains in my head... 

When he started to show signs of being depressed her had just met this girl from the cafe.. He purposely "set me up" to prove I was spying on his Facebook by looking her up.. The following day he then removed our relationship status off of Facebook to as he knew it would upset me.. When I questioned if anything was going on with this girl he flipped and went nuts claiming he wasn't happy and was miserable.. 

After a while I decided to let it go but then he still continued to see her at work obviously on a daily basis..

What upsets me the most is that I told him he put an idea in my head and I couldn't get it out because he couldn't comfort me.. I told him I felt insecure about it and even when he talked about her at home once I asked how close they were and he told me that they weren't at all and she just serves him food.. 

When he started lying it made me really upset because he kept lying and going back to where they all work.. And then learning he upset me so that he could go to a bar knowing she would be there (even planning to go there) despite me saying I felt uncomfortable about her it makes me feels like he's betrayed me to hang around with her.. 

And then learning that he's been talking to her about what's going on makes me feel betrayed.. He says he never told her he didn't love me but I can't understand why she would say that.. 

I've mentioned relationship counselling in the past when this first started and he said no because we aren't a 50 year old couple but I do think it would help us.. 

I know it probably sounds horrible.. But I don't feel like he's taking responsibility for when he's being unfair or upsetting people...

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## Suzi

Can I be honest? Sweetheart if he's done so many things to deliberately upset you, is it worth carrying on with the relationship? I know my husband and I have never deliberately hurt each other and we've been together for 19+ years...

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OldMike (16-05-18)

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## Hereforyou

I don't know..  He says it's the depression not making him think straight and giving him a bad attitude..  He never did things to deliberately hurt me before he got ill..  

My head is all over the place.. I've got some people telling me they think he's lying about his depression.. Some people telling me he wouldn't make excuses.. And some people telling me we can work through things.. This is such a nightmare...

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## magie06

My husband and I are together 21 years since March. When I have a crisis, he says he still loves me. We will be married 17 years in June, and we're going through couples counselling atm. I asked him to come with me because I had all sorts of things going through my head. He didn't know half of what was/is in my head but we are working through it. 
It's very hard to be going through a crisis and have a 'normal' relationship. 
When does your b/f see a doctor again?

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OldMike (16-05-18)

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## Paula

Lying about his depression? As someone with depression its those sorts of comments that can make my life hell. The idea that people with depression are making this up contributes to 90% of people with MH illness being discriminated against. Which is what this forum fights against every day.

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Jaquaia (16-05-18),OldMike (16-05-18),S deleted (17-05-18)

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## OldMike

As someone who has suffered from depression of varying intensity for 20+ years and probably a lot longer if truth were known, there is no quick fix and anti-depressants can take typical 4-6 weeks before they start to take effect, and sometimes if my personal experience is anything to go by can take a lot longer.

More often it is a long haul in which some people become totally well again in other cases it is just a matter of managing the depression and giving the person a reasonable quality of life.

I live alone so I can't give much advice on relationships. If you listen to Paula and Magie who are both in relationships and have children and go through the hell of depression, the support of their husbands gives them both tremendous help.

The last thing anyone wants who is suffering from depression is to be told they are making it up and it is there fault because they're not trying to get better because all that is nonsense.

It's an illness that can happen to anyone and more often than not doesn't even seem to make sense, when your mind turns against you, you end up continually fighting against your own mind which is exhausting.

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Paula (16-05-18)

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## Suzi

My 2p worth? As someone who has been where you are to some extent - we went through 2 breakdowns and it is something we live with - even today Marc has had a big wobble so my role today wasn't "wife/lover" it was as supporter/carer/cheerleader/person to provide food and drink..... Today he isn't able to make decisions, his brain is "mush"(his words not mine) and today anxiety and depression have grabbed hold.... 
This may never completely go away for us - and it is US. We go through it as much as we can together. We've had good days and more frequent great days, today isn't one of those and I know there'll be some more crap ones in the future. Do I believe we can stay together through them? Yup... 
Can you say that you can do this time and time again? You may have to....

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## Hereforyou

Magie.. My partner is going to the doctors tomorrow.. I do still love him.. I love him more than anything in this world.. But I just don't know what to do half the time and I can't bare that half the time he acts like I am the last person he wants to he near... 

Paula.. I don't believe he's making it up.. I am the one that sees him sob and breakdown and I am trying my hardest to convince others that he's really that bad.. But then there are some people in my life saying things like "if he's so depressed why is he fine at paintball, just a bit quieter" or "if he's so depressed why is he going out with his friends".. And then I've got the same people saying "are you sure he's just not happy with you anymore and doesn't know how to say it" .. And that's so unbelievably upsetting to hear or even think.. Even he's own mother just says "he doesn't seem depressed to me, just quiet" but then he hasn't told his mother anything at all anyway... 

OldMike... I completely agree.. I've never once allowed anyone to say he's making it up or believed he's making it up myself.. I just don't know what else to do anymore.. Especially when half the time it's me that he snaps at or is moody at... 

Suzi.. The thing is some times (like last night) he says "Oh I am fed up" and I don't want to say anything because sometimes like you guys have said I just want to let him "be" without explanation.. And sometimes when I do ask I get confronted with "why do you think I am fed up" .. It's like I am torn in 3 places.. Don't ask and let him be.. Ask so he knows he can talk and that you care.. Or just ignore it entirely.. He hasn't gone to work all week which I've assured him is fine and  we will manage if he needs time off.. But today he was due to go back and this morning he just text his boss saying he's head still messed up.. Again though I just don't know if I should ask anymore because I know sometimes he doesn't want to talk..

I don't know if I can do this time and time again.. I miss being the lover and the girlfriend.. Will I ever get to be that again if this is something that remains like this forever.. I just don't know.. I am truly scared...

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## Paula

I often have the why dont you just walk away from all this talk with my husband. Weve been together nearly 20 years and have gradually had to accept that our life together is never going to be free from this illness. It breaks my heart that he has to live his life with so many limitations. My husbands answer every single time is that he loves me and sees it as his purpose in life to look after me. He does this time and time again and never backs down. Hes an exceptional person, however, and has the strength to continue. Maybe you need to consider whether this is something you can continue to do.

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## Suzi

Marc accepts my physical illnesses - he always has, but he's amazing. In return so to speak I support him with his mental illness... It's swings and roundabouts and I'm in it till the end...

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OldMike (17-05-18)

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## Hereforyou

I genuinely don't know.. Is this something that will mean I never get to have a family or get married to him because he doesn't want to have children when he's like this.. Will it mean I never feel loved again or have physical or emotional intimacy again..?? 

I don't want to walk away but will I ever have even days or weeks where I can have that relationship we had before back..? Is everyday going to be "what kind of mood is he in today" .. "should I plan to do this together today" .. "does he love me today" .. 

Will there ever be days where we can forget his illness and move on or is every day going to be the same awful day..

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## magie06

I first got ill 8 years ago. The medication I was on completely killed my libido, and we haven't been intimate since! I thought my husband was worried about this, but because he hadn't mentioned it, I was afraid to mention it too. We still love each other very much and we show our love in different ways now. 
It's not the same for everyone. But when you are on medication the side effects can be horrendous. Please try to understand this.

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OldMike (17-05-18),Suzi (17-05-18)

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## Paula

For most people, once they recover from their first episode, it doesnt reoccur. For others, its a lifelong battle. But that doesnt mean that its always at crisis. I can have months or years when Im stable - though Im never fully well I can cope with most of my life and am, generally, happy. And Ive got a good life with people I love.

Despite all youve said over the past few months, you truly dont seem to accept that hes ill and needs your care - your focus is predominantly on the impact on your life. Youre impatient, after only 2 months its far too early to know when hes going to recover and whether hes going to struggle in the future. Your focus should be on getting him well not on whether youre going to have sex again.

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OldMike (17-05-18)

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## Hereforyou

I never said I am focused on if I will ever have sex again.. Physical intimacy isn't just about sex.. it's things like holding each other again.. Kissing each other.. Holding hands.. Things like that.. I've mentioned both of our fears about being able to start a family and get married etc but you've completely overlooked that and just assumed it's about sex...

What more care do you recommend then I do then..? What am I not doing that I should be doing then..? I make sure hes eating.. Sleeping.. Taking care of himself.. And so on.. I've asked countless times what I can do to help and taken various bits of advice.. My focus isn't on my life it's on ours because ultimately it's something that affects us both.. 

I only expressed a fear and worry.. I am allowed to be scared and worried surely..

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## Suzi

Sweetheart I didn't mean to scare you. Marc and I have been together for over 19 years, in that time we've had 3 children, got married, moved house 7 times, dealt with 2 breakdowns, long term physical illnesses, 3 c sections, 3 breast operations, my Mother, his mother and father and so much more. Sweetheart we have good days, bad days and great days - but that's the same with any couple who've been together as long as we have.

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## Hereforyou

I think that's all I am scared about Suzi... All of the things we planned for the future now seem so far away because he doesn't feel well enough (understandably) ... And I don't know if I would be able to cope with the rest of my life with everyday how it has been because I miss what we had.. 

Today he made a negative comment about himself and I tried my best to be positive with him.. He said things like it not being fair on me and how I've always had to "deal with his crap".. I told him that it didn't matter and that there are times when he has had to and will have to do the same if not more for me.. When he said he won't get better I tried to reassure him in the way Paula said and told him it's too soon and we've tried too little to say he won't recover... 

I kept telling him how I believe in him and I believe he will get better and how in sickness and in health I still love him... 

I hope those are the right types of things to say...

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## Suzi

But just because it is now, doesn't mean it's always going to be.... 
Until he goes back and sees his GP and tells them honestly how he's been feeling that's all you can do...

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## Hereforyou

Thank you Suzi.. That's helpful to hear.. Even if he never recovers just having a glimmer or hope that it won't be like this forever is good..

He's going back today to see the GP.. I am trying to keep really positive and I've given him some things to ask the GP on my behalf (to avoid asking if I can go again) .. I am trying my best to remain positive about today.. Telling myself that today the GP will finally get things moving with the anger management and therapy.. Telling myself that the next antidepressant will work.. Telling myself he will have a good day and feel "okay" .. And most importantly telling myself that things will get better and we will find what works for him soon.. 

He's trying Cranosacrial Therapy today too so I am hoping that helps to at least help either the side effects or to relax him..

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## Suzi

He's likely to be exhausted after the Drs appointment - being on a full on adrenaline high with anxiety is exhausting.. 
If they go for a different anti d then it may not be the right one either.. Some work better for others - it's a trial and error thing I'm afraid...

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## Hereforyou

I made him aware he might exhausted after the massage therapy today anyway so that's fine...

I am trying to keep positive.. I know there's a chance this one may not workagain but I am keeping hopeful.. I don't want to be negative as I feel like he's feeling enough of that for the two of us.. So I am trying to think positive and be hopeful for both of us.... Still remaining realistic of course...

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## magie06

He will be extra tired today. When I have acupuncture I am not able for anything else for the day. Try not to be upset when he falls into the couch and doesn't more for the rest of today.

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## Hereforyou

If it means he can feel rested and relaxed I'll welcome the idea.. I've already told him not to work tomorrow as he will be extra tired and his appointment finishes today at about 820pm so I plan to have him something super yummy for dinner and just let him sleep when he needs to...

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## magie06

Just be aware, he might not be hungry.

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## Hereforyou

That's fine.. At least it's there if he wants it...

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## Suzi

That sounds lovely... Just keep it calm and it'll really help

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## Hereforyou

That's the plan.. I am trying to be more supportive and caring I guess..

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## magie06

You always were kind and supportive, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here.

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## Hereforyou

Aww thank you Magie.. I am probably just struggling to know what to do and what not to do and to just remember it's the illness..

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## Suzi

That's all you can do....

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## magie06

Remember no one has all the answers. It's all about getting through from hour to hour, day to day. It's the only way to get through. No one knows why, what works one day, doesn't work the next.

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OldMike (18-05-18),Suzi (18-05-18)

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## magie06

How has this evening been?

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## Hereforyou

Thanks Magie and Suzi.. Taking day by day.. 

The evening had been better than most.. He went to the GP who changed his antidepressants back down from 40mg Citalopram to 20mg Citalopram which he will be taking for 2 weeks before they change him on to another antidepressant.. The therapy is being chased up which is good and he asked the doctor the questions I asked him to ask however that wasn't much help as the doctor didn't know anything about what I asked.. 

He's been put on a much stronger sleeping tablet that is highly addictive so we will need to keep an eye on that and make sure he doesn't become dependant on it.. 

When he came home from the doctors he seemed okay.. Didn't seem like he was in a particularly "bad" or "low" mood.. We both rushed straight out as I went to get his prescription before the pharmacy closed (I made it with 1 minute to spare which was super lucky) and he went for his Cranosacrial Therapy appointment...

When he came back he was similarly not in a "bad" or "low" mood which was good.. We talked like friends and reminisced about things so that's positive.. 

He is a bit tired but he's not tired and moody which is good..

I am assuming that the change in dosage is going to trigger another series of mood swings and possible lows so I am mentally preparing myself for that..

My nanna (who stays with us sometimes) said that yesterday and today were his best days as he seems quite comfortable and "normal" .. Though that's probably a brave face it's still nice to see..

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## magie06

Well done for creating a relaxing evening in your home. Like I said earlier, this can't be rushed. You have to take this hour by hour.

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## Suzi

What were the questions you asked him to ask the Dr?

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## Hereforyou

Thank you Magie.. I am trying my absolute hardest.. When he's like how he was the last two days it requires a lot less effort to be "normal" from me.. The hardest thing is stopping myself for snuggling up to him and so on.. I almost fell asleep on his arm but I realised and got myself up and apologised.. 

Suzi.. We read about some "alternate therapies" he could try including a supplement called Rhodiola and essential oils to help.. There's also a cream from a shop called Lush that's excellent for helping people sleep.. As well as accupubture.. So before we tried them I thought it best to ask the doctor first but apparently he had never heard of them so couldn't comment..

He also asked the doctor about doing the free therapy I get through my work and the doctor said there wasn't much point doing it.. He recommended the Kung Fu classes though so I am going to look into that for him...

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## magie06

I've had acupuncture for a lot of my physical and mental health. I wouldn't have tried it but I remembered it helped with morning sickness all the way through my pregnancy. If it helped then, I thought it might help with my mental health too. The therapist places one needle in the centre of my head, one either side of my temples and one in the centre of my forehead. I don't feel them go in, and whether they do any good or not, I don't know, but I do know they don't do any harm.

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## Paula

My one note of caution would be that adding in herbal remedies, acupuncture etc when medication is being changed can create questions as to what is having an impact/improvements etc. I dont know anything about Rhodiola but some herbal remedies (eg St. Johns wort) are contraindicated with ADs

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## Hereforyou

Thanks Magie.. It's definitely worth a try.. That's why we tried the Cranosacrial Therapy as cranial massage really helped with his ADHD so we thought we could try it... He's also had Accupuncture for muscle problems which helped so he's much more for the idea than I am...

Thanks Paula.. I thought that myself especially as I know he can't have St John's Wart.. That's why I wanted to ask the doctor first.. I am not sure if we should try the supplement now while he's taking the 2 weeks of 20mg Citalopram or if we should wait a bit longer before trying it... 

I'll see what he prefers...

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## Suzi

How's he doing today?

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## Hereforyou

So far another good day.. Only hiccup was when someone stressed him out from paintball and he got all quiet and stressed.. Apart from that he seems okay.. A little bit playful with me and making jokes.. Quite calm and chilled.. 

It does make me laugh though because when we has those problems last weekend he said about wanting space and about me now even going to the gym with him (we are both members of the same gym and go gym at the same time but do completely different things on different ends of the gym) .. So today we were both going but he went before me and I waited at least an hour before going so that he had a chance to be there on his own.. When I got there he came up to me and playfully said "oh you're finally here then" .. Then continued to come over to me a couple more times.. It does make me laugh though I'll admit... 

He's going to meet my brother now though to discuss the paintball team as my brother wants "A chat" (my brother is the captain of the entire squad and my partner the captain of one of the teams in the squad) so I am not sure that will be a pleasant chat... I've told him to be very sensitive and caring rather than all guns blazing.. Fingers crossed for that..

I am due to meet a friend tonight for a very quick social drink but I think he's forgotten...

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## Suzi

Hope you've met up with a friend and had a good time out..

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## Hereforyou

I am on my way now.. He wasn't too happy when he came back from meeting my brother.. Didn't tell me what was wrong but said how they'd spoken about lots of things including us and his head... 

I also don't think he was happy with me going out..

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## Suzi

:Panda:  Talk to him tomorrow... 
Not sure it was your brother's place to be discussing your relationship though...

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## magie06

I hope you enjoyed your night out. It's understandable that your bf would be tired if he was after a long conversation. Remember sometimes even deciding whether you want tea or coffee can be exhausting. I agree with Suzi, I don't think your brother should be discussing your relationship.

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## Hereforyou

Yeah I will do.. I've just got in and he's already asleep so I thankfully won't need to talk to him.. 

It was okay thank you.. A bit tricky as I was alone amongst a large groups of people who already kneweach h other but I managed to have a bit of fun.. 

I think my brother wanted to talk in terms of how he felt as mybbrother.. I met my partner through my brother as it was his friend first so they already had some form of a bond before I came along...

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## magie06

My brother and my husband were friends before my brother introduced us. I would hate for my husband to discuss our relationship with my brother without my say so. That's a terrible thing to do. Ftr they are still working together 21 years later.

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## Suzi

I would hate for anyone in my family to discuss my relationship. It feels that it's like betraying him - that everyone is talking about him itms? I think that it would really, really hurt him. I think you should tell your family to back off...

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## Hereforyou

Yeah I can see both your points.. I think my brother was just really upset about the other weekend and feels a little bit hurt by it all.. 

Aside from that I don't think he's ever said anything to him about us...

I forgot to mention..  After a while of me being downstairs last night he came downstairs to find out what I was doing.. He's being very weird.. Not sure if he wants space or not.. I've tried to back off a lot but he seems to be more clingy...

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## Suzi

Weird in what way? 
Thing is it's not just your brother - your Dad was effectively spying on him when he went away last weekend to and gave you reports on his behaviour too....

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## Hereforyou

Like asking what I am doing all the time and why I am in the other room instead of being with him.. Asking why I took so long to come to the gym.. Just asking lots of questions about what I am doing tha t sort of thing..  He said he wanted space so I've pulled back and I am trying to give him that.. 

The only thing my dad made "reports" on was the fact that he kept going off to use the phone but didn't try to talk to me which upset my dad...

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## Paula

These arent dissimilar questions to the ones you kept asking when you first became a member here. Hes feeling insecure too.....

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## Hereforyou

Hmm perhaps you're right..  I am not sure what to do then.. I don't want to smother him again and I am not entirely sure why he's feeling insecure..

Should I just let him do what he feels comfortable with..? 

I came downstairs because I couldn't sleep anymore and I wanted to watch tv and not long after he came downstairs after me and is now sleeping on the sofa next to me...

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## Suzi

He's trying to be closer to you obviously... Hunni you have to go with the flow.

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## Hereforyou

I don't think so.. Today he's said how he "feels weird" ... Then said how he keeps worrying about things so naturally I asked him what and he mentioned a couple of things before mentioning he's worried about us.. I asked what he's worried about us for as I was with everything else he mentioned and he clamed up.. Not sure why he could talk about everything else and not about us....

He mentioned about one of the reasons being because he has been going off the rails where he went drinking..

We spoke about our anniversary in 3 weeks time and he didn't seem bothered at all about it.. We are due to go to a concert that we had planned for over a year and he doesn't want to go.. 

It upset me because it's like he doesn't want to do anything with me.. I asked him why and he said because it's different going out with your friends.. He never used to before though.. 

I noticed he started to get all panicky so i tried to calm him down only for him to pull away is soon as he could and then be relieved when I stopped cuddling him..

In the end I got upset and said why doesn't he just admit he doesn't want to be with me anymore.. I probably shouldn't have said that but I just got upset..

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## Suzi

That does sound harsh.... Did you say it or shout it?

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## Hereforyou

I just said it.. 

I was just so upset by him being thankful I'd stopped cuddling him and pulling away again... 

He says things like he's worried about us and how he knows he's not a acting like a boyfriend then doesn't even want to spend time doing nice things with me or even celebrating out anniversary together...

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## Suzi

Maybe that's just too much right now. He probably believes that he doesn't deserve you, that you deserve better, that he's never going to give you what you want/need etc etc 
You have to remember that he's also dealing with a meds change too! He was "spoken to" by your brother last night, he'd forgotten you were going out etc.... Sweetheart give him time...

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## magie06

Remember take this hour by hour.

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## Hereforyou

I actually feel like saying that may have helped.. He asked why I said that and i told him how I was scared too and how I felt like he doesn't love me anymore and he actually listened really well.. 

He even told me that when I need a cuddle I should come and get one because he didn't want me to not feel like I could cuddle him...

It was a surprisingly emotional but fulfilling chat..

We spoke about his recovery and I told him that it won't be like "I've woken up today feeling amazing" .. It will be gradual things like today I found something funny and today I looked at the dog and felt happy.. I mean that's what it was like for me anyway..??  

After that though he even rested his head on my shoulder while we looked through my phone...

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## Suzi

That's really positive..

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## Hereforyou

It really is.. After it he was so relaxed and calm... 

I hope I was right in what I said about his recovery.. Obviously I've only got my experience to go on..?

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## Paula

Thats true for most people though there is no one fits all with this illness

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## Hereforyou

That's very true.. But I think he was expecting to wake up one morning feeling much better or much less numb.. I wanted to let him know at least that it might be smaller more unnoticeable changes at first...

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## magie06

You okay?

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## Hereforyou

Hi Magie...

I am okay thank you... Things have been positive (I sincerely hope) .. 

On Monday he was working at a construction site quite far away which meant he didn't get home until gone 6pm. I was already at the gym when he came home. I was blissfully surprised to walk in and find he had already started to prepare dinner.. Something he hasn't done for some time.. 

We helped each other do dinner and things went well.. He seemed in good spirits and didn't seem to be low (possibly a front I know) .. Throughout the night he seemed okay.. Able to make a joke or smile/laugh at something.. Towards the end of the night as we got in to bed he hurt his arm which made him low as he made comments about being weak and so on.. I tried to reassure him and started to stroke his back as I know he often likes it when I do that and he asked me to carry on until he fell asleep... 

Yesterday was very much the same.. I didn't go to work in the morning but woke up early to get him up for work.. When he said goodbye I was asleep and he sat on the bed and woke me up.. He laid his head between my shoulder and my head for a while and I hugged him before he gave me two kisses on the lips (I got very happy over that haha.. Sad I know) .. When he got home he seemed in good spirits again.. Able to laugh and joke with myself and my nan.. Able to be a bit sarcastic and general good company.. He started to fall asleep early and when he took his sleeping tablet it practically knocked him out so I had to carry him (with great difficulty haha  :):  !! ) up to bed.. Once I had put him in to bed though he asked me to stroke his back again.. 

We haven't said "good night, love you" for a while as I am trying not to push him and leaving it for when he feels like he wants to as I know he does it for me at the moment.. 

This morning his cuddle was a lot less interested however.. He put his hands around my hips but left them there rather than giving me a squeeze.. Again though he seemed okay and not particularly irritable this morning...

All in all I am hoping it's been a positive few days and hoping he feels it has too...

Those tiny moments when he hugs me or asks me to stroke his back just remind me of how much I miss him.. I had to cuddle up to my nan while we watched a film last night in order to stop myself wanting to cuddle up to him haha...

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## Suzi

Does your Nan live with you? 
Glad that there are positives you can hold onto right now..

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## magie06

How long has he been on the increased dose of ad? They could be helping by now.

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## Hereforyou

She splits between us and my parents.. So she was home Monday and Tuesday but away Friday through Sunday.. 

I am hoping they're positives.. Aside from the flimsy cuddle this morning he's seemed okay-ish... 

He changed from 40 back down to 20 on Saturday.. He was on the 40mg for 5 weeks last Friday and he started the 20mg straight away on Saturday...

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## Suzi

So the meds are likely to be just getting fully into his system... That could help too... But the new change of dose will take as long to settle too.

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## Hereforyou

Yeah but he's changed them now and is back down to 20mg.. 

Does that mean that they're not going to work or that the 40mg probably worked but he didn't give them long enough..?

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## Suzi

No idea. That is only something that you will know in time... Nothing to panic about now though.

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## Hereforyou

I hope it's all positive.. 

I am not sure if I am being unfair not saying "goodnight, love you" before we go to sleep.. I am trying to pull back a bit..  But his flimsy cuddle this morning makes me feel a little unsure...

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## Suzi

That's not uncaring..

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## Hereforyou

His cuddle or me not saying love you and goodnight..??

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## Suzi

Both...

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## Hereforyou

Hmm I am not sure.. He's just upset me a tad and I am not sure if I am over thinking it or feeling emotional because it's my time of the month... 

I came home with gifts from friends at work as I am leaving to move on to a promotion which I am really excited about.. He looked at it and told me how it's not that much (I was originally really chuffed about it) .. I left the room because he made me feel a bit crappy about it.. 

When he followed me upstairs he asked what was wrong and I told him he made me feel crappy about it.. And he said he just meant that he thinks I am worth more than what they got me (fair enough but of course he didn't say that) so I just said he could have said that.. 

He told me that he didn't know how to put things into words and most boys don't unless it's for special occasions to get something (he's never said that to me in 4 years so that annoyed me a bit because it sounded a bit pig like) ...

I said that at least my work colleagues were happy for me and my new job unlike him who doesn't seem to care or even want to celebrate with me... 

I am not sure if I am being moody or if I have a right to feel like that was a bit nasty or if I am being silly.. 

I just feel a bit upset that he celebrated passing his exam with his friends and doesn't want to celebrate that with me but also doesn't want to celebrate my achievements like he used to.. He's said in the past that he wants to go out now because he wants to drink and forget things but apparently it's different with me.. 

Am I being silly..???

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## Suzi

I see where you are coming from, but honestly lovely I think you're over reacting to this... Most men aren't that great at explaining things and actually I think what he said when he explained it was really sweet and lovely!

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## Hereforyou

You're probably right.. 

I just feel a little bit like I am at the bottom of the barrel sometimes... 

I am trying to give him space and trying to not smother him or be pushy but I feel like it's not helping at all...

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## Suzi

Nothing is going to be a quick fix. You have to remember that he didn't get this poorly overnight and it's going to take a while to get better...

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## Hereforyou

He got upset when he came home from the gym.. He said how he's been putting on a front because he doesn't want to be the miserable person in the corner.. He doesn't feel like he's getting better and said how he's scared.. I told him that he doesn't need to pretend when he's home but he said how if he doesn't the anger comes back.. 

I asked him if he wants me to tell him I love him and stuff and he said he does.. He also said that sometimes he does want a cuddle but he doesn't come and get one and he doesn't know why.. I asked him to promise to come and get one but I am not sure if he actually will.. I told him again that I don't want to push him and smother him..

Now I am not sure what I should do.. Should I go back to being how I normally was or should I still try to remain pulled back and closed off..??

He accidently brushed my boob and made a sarcy comment saying sorry.. I asked what that was about and he mentioned how I don't even get undressed in front of him anymore but he doesn't know how he feels about that.. I am not sure why he would mention it though...

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## Suzi

Just be yourself. There is no definitive way of being...

If he's really not feeling any better than I would urge him to go back to the Drs. He's given this medication a long time and it should be fully in his system now. I really think he needs to go back with a bullet pointed list and tell the dr exactly how he's feeling etc and ask for them to look at the medication again...

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## Paula

Dont foorget that the change in dose is going to have an impact. As Ive said before, you both have to view his recovery from a wider perspective - day to day there are going to be fluctuations but it does sound that hes heading in the right direction overall. The fact hes actually able to make an effort is progress in itself

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## Hereforyou

I just don't want to be pushy.. I am scared of making him feel worse.. 

Well he went to the doctors on Friday just gone and they've changed from the 40mg back down to the 20mg because they said they want to change the antidepressants altogether but they can't do it straight away as he was on such a high dosage so they need to lower it for 2 weeks and then change it after that... 

He has another appointment with them next Friday (1st June) where they will apparently give him a different antidepressant then.. 

They also said that he would get the therapy appointment started within 2 weeks from this Monday...

Is it possible that trying 20mg doesn't work then going to 40mg doesn't work and then back to 20mg works..? I wouldn't have thought that would work at all..? 

I personally agree 100% Paula.. I thought it was great that he's able to make an effort and able to cook dinner and even put on a brave face.. And when he laughed he did seem like he genuinely laughed..

Is it possible that he can begin to recover without believing it himself....

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## Suzi

It's very possible that he is getting better bit by bit, but that he can't see the progress... 

Sounds like his GP is being really sensible about him cutting down before switching. It sounds as if they know what they are doing and are fully aware of withdrawal etc...

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## Hereforyou

If he can't see the progress will that affect his progress overall..? He keeps saying its all a brave face so is that progress or a coping mechanism..? 

Yes I think his GP is being sensible about it.. I am pleased that he seems to be doing the right thing by him.. I just wish my partner would allow this to take time.. Everytime he gets upset he says how and why he isn't better yet and get frustrated with people telling him it will take time...

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## Suzi

Just keep telling him that he didn't get this poorly overnight....

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## Hereforyou

Hi all..

The last couple of days have been stressful.. He's very angry and fed up of late.. Once again taking it out on me and being snappy and short with me.. Sometimes even being downright rude..

Remind me again that this is normal and just the illness and that it won't be like this forever  :(:  .. Feeling a bit fed up with his attitude towards me but know I probably shouldn't respond to it... 

Just need you guys to simmer me down please...

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## Suzi

Is he seeing his Dr? Taking his meds? What about counselling?

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## Hereforyou

He has to see the doctor next Friday.. He's taking the meds as regular but he's still on the 20mg of Citalopram which he didn't think worked at all.. 

Once again still waiting on the counselling and anger management to materialise...

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## Suzi

Maybe a different med will...

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## Hereforyou

I hope so.. He's not being the nicest to me lately so it's these sort of times that make me feel crappy...

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## Paula

Unfortunately, it takes time for anyone to start counselling, anger management, and so on. There just arent the resources. Have you considered going to Relate for relationship counselling, either together or separately?

Edit, sorry forgot to say that usually someone can only have one counselling service at a time so youd both have to take that into consideration

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## Hereforyou

I knew it took time but I didn't think it took 4 months.. Especially where he's self harmed.. Is suicidal and has lashed out and assaulted people.. I thought that would at least warrant maybe quicker turnaround.. 

I've mentioned relationship counselling and he's said he doesn't think there's anything wrong with our relationship so therefore he doesn't feel we need it.. And when I've said to him about how he's being horrible to me sometimes he says he doesn't mean to be he just has this attitude that he can't shake of "screw everything" ... 

Apparently the anger management and counselling were all supposed to be under the same therapist according to his doctor..  Aside from that I think that's the only counselling he would have.

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## magie06

My hubby didn't think we needed relationship counselling either, but he thought it would be good for me, so he came along. He told me afterwards that he found it helpful.

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## Hereforyou

I've asked so I won't push again.. There's not much of a relationship right now anyway.. It's our anniversary next week but I don't even think he wants to acknowledge it..

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## Paula

Have you considered having relationship counselling on your own? It may help you work through some things

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## Hereforyou

How can I have relationship counselling on my own.? 

Our relationship was going well before this.. Now I feel like there is no desire to have a relationship..

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## Paula

Youre in a relationship and you need help, thats what they do. I had some when my first husband left me and it made a very horrible time easier to deal with

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## Hereforyou

I thought they were just for couples though..?

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## Paula

Nope ..

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## Hereforyou

Would there be much point if he doesn't come too though...??

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## Angie

Yes there would be a point as it will help you

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## Paula

Definitely. It helped me deal with the pain over our marriage, our breakup, with having to maintain a relationship with him for our daughters sake. I was at breaking point when I started counselling and it got me through the worse time of my life

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## Hereforyou

But we haven't broken up..?

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## Angie

Relationship counselling is not there for just breakups or after you have broken up, its there to help with the relationship, even if just one of you goes to the counselling, and that clearly was not what Paula was saying, she was saying that she went on her own, she was trying to help you see you don't have to go to relationship counselling as a couple, the only difference being that it was after she had broken up in her marriage and it helped her to deal with things moving forward.

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## Paula

Relationship counselling can be to help with any relationship, at any stage in that relationship - families, friends even co workers. I really think it could help you figure out what you want in this relationship, and what you should be doing

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Angie (02-06-18),Flo (02-06-18),magie06 (02-06-18)

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## Suzi

I agree. Relationship counselling has to be worth a go surely? It would help you to work out the areas you need to work on either together or on your own and it can provide a safe space to talk about anything and everything that's in your head about your relationship.

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## Hereforyou

I guess.. I will think about it.. Just want the man I fell in love with back.. Or even just to feel like he still loves me and wants us to be together.. I hate it when he's snappy and angry with me.. He says it's because of the depression but sometimes it's hard to always be the person that gets the stick of it..

I am trying very hard to be helpful and understanding.. Doing things like his tax assessment because he keeps forgetting and it's stressing him out.. But then he gets angry because I forgot to wash one thing for him but washed everything else.. His go to is anger and it's always at the slightest thing and doesn't seem to matter how much I do right the slightest thing is wrong and causes him to get angry.. It seems so easy for him to say something that gets on his nerves or to get  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ed off abp ut something but he can't say anything nice full stop.. 

Every now and again I offer him a cuddle and he takes it but then it's like he can't wait to stop cuddling me.. I don't want to lose him but every day I seem to just keep  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ing him off and he just seems so angry and fed up it's hard to not take it personally..

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## Suzi

If he's that angry and hurtful to you then is the relationship worth fighting for?

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## Hereforyou

He wasn't like it before that's the thing.. He says he's just angry and sad all the time with everything and everyone...

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## Flo

As harsh as it sounds, I have to say that I'm leaning very much towards Suzi's comment. Would you be prepared to have a trial separation just so both of you can have a good honest think about your relationship? I think it will either make it or break it. You clearly can't go on like this. I don't think it's good for either of you.

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## Hereforyou

I really didn't want that.. I didn't want to lose him at all and he says he doesn't want to lose me either.. But it sounds like everyone thinks it's not worth saving... 

I am also slightly worried about if he would hurt himself..

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## magie06

One thing is that no matter how much you love someone, if they are going to hurt themselves nothing you can do or say will stop that. He is an adult, and no matter how much you love him, if he doesn't love you, then really there is nothing to save.

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Flo (03-06-18),Suzi (03-06-18)

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## Hereforyou

He says he loves me though and says he doesn't want to end things.. 

And neither do I.. 

He just says he's angry and miserable all the time and has been for mkonths because of his depression...

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## Suzi

> He wasn't like it before that's the thing.. He says he's just angry and sad all the time with everything and everyone...


Being depressed isn't an excuse to be horrible to those around you... 



> I really didn't want that.. I didn't want to lose him at all and he says he doesn't want to lose me either.. But it sounds like everyone thinks it's not worth saving...


We can only go on what you say....When was the last time you spent some positive time together?




> I am also slightly worried about if he would hurt himself..





> One thing is that no matter how much you love someone, if they are going to hurt themselves nothing you can do or say will stop that. He is an adult, and no matter how much you love him, if he doesn't love you, then really there is nothing to save.


Exactly this...



> He says he loves me though and says he doesn't want to end things.. 
> 
> And neither do I.. 
> 
> He just says he's angry and miserable all the time and has been for mkonths because of his depression...


I'm not sure I buy that tbh...
#i just don't remember you ever being happy....

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## Hereforyou

He's not being horrible just snappy and irritated all the time.. 

Well he's got anxiety with his depression so he's not enjoying being out very much.. So that means we haven't physically done anything nice together outside but I've tried to make things nice aroubd the house.. It's also our anniversary in a week so I am hoping that we can do something nice for it.. 

Don't buy what..? That he doesn't want to end things..??

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## Paula

Being snappy and irritated all the time is being horrible. I have depression and anxiety but Im not awful to my family all the time.

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## Hereforyou

But like you guys says depression affects people in various different ways.. He's always had a problem with anger but never to this extent...

Are you guys all thinking now that this is his way of wanting to end things between us..??

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## Suzi

I have no idea about that, but I do know that having anxiety and depression does not mean you are or should be horrible to those you claim to love.... I know I wouldn't accept it from my husband. The same as he wouldn't accept it from me..

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## Hereforyou

I don't know then.. Everytime I tell him he says he's not doing it on purpose and how its not just me he's doing it to.. He says he doesn't know how to stop himself doing it and just feels like he's getting worse..

Perhaps I should just end it like everyone days.. Perhaps he doesn't love me and that's why he's pushing me away...

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## Suzi

Until he's seen his doctor or until you both talk properly either on your own or with relationship counselling I can't tell you what you should do...

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## Paula

Hunni, we can not tell you what you should be doing. All we can give you is the benefit of our experiences, you are the only one who can decide whether it helps or not. I dont know what you should do, I do think youre in an awful situation. I wish I had answers but I dont. Relationship counselling may give you those answers

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## Angepange01

Hi
Can i start by saying its not your fault your boyfriend has depression!! Its a mental illness and yes they can blame you for how they are feeling and make you feel like if you change the way you are or the things you do or act then it will somehow make them better. NOT TRUE!! My husband when hes feeling low and in a bad place blames me for everything. He wouldnt be moody if the kitchen was cleaner or he could find his socks!! Believe me ive heard it all he will even go back 15 years and think of a row we had and say if you hadnt done that or said that hed be ok. Again NOT TRUE!! He is struggling with a mental illness and unfortunately all you can do is be there to love and support them. It can be very hard when they are being mean for sure but if you have a strong enough relationship you can get through anything. If he needs a little space then give it to him but just let him know you are there for him when he needs you. But please know nothing you did caused his depression its not your fault and its something he will have to learn to live with and seek help for if he wants to get any better.

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## Suzi

That's a great post in support, however the thread is about a year old....

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