# Other > DWD/depression and the media >  To tell or not to tell

## Paula

I know this is a real struggle for so many - to tell your employer or not. Interesting article .....

http://www.theguardian.com/commentis...work-employers

----------

Suzi (08-07-15)

----------


## rose

At the job I left last year, my physical illness was treated with far more compassion than my mental illness. After my breakdown, my employer complained that I hadn't given a timeframe for when I would return to work. No such comment was made when I was hospitalised with IIH, in fact they encouraged me to work part-time for a bit.
The place I worked this year, my boss took it upon himself to inform me that one of my team had suffered from depression in the past. That's the same as telling me a member of my team was in a car crash or broke a leg a couple of years ago. I just shrugged and said I'd also suffered from depression, I didn't see it as something I needed to be told.

The stigma is there, its probably the biggest stigma at workplaces.

----------


## S deleted

You see I like to be up front and honest about my depression and anxiety. I shouldn't have to hide it from anyone but at the same time should I walk round with a post it note stuck to me forehead advertising it?

When I was diagnosed with PND I spoke to my line manager and explained what was wrong and that I may need time off for hospital appointments as I had chosen therapy over medication initially, but I would try to make the appointments for outside working hours where possible and they were fine with it. When I started on meds and any changes made to my meds I notified them so if I had a reaction or any nasty side effects somebody knew what I was taking. Because of the nature of my job I didn't have to do that but I chose to as I believed it was best.

Fast forward 6yrs, a company take over, many redundancies and new working contracts (I was still on the old contract) and I started getting severe panic attacks. I ended up off work for 5 1/2 months, and although the company did everything my the book and followed employment law to the lettter, I ws given an ultimatum. Return to work Monday (dispite still having a sick note which covered me for two more weeks) or resign. Of course I knew a bit about employment law myself and knew that is they wanted rid of me they would have to pay for the honour. My was given 1 weeks pay for each year of service and my contract terminated through incapacy. 

In interviews I have been honest, and during one interview the look on the managers face said it all, I may as well have just got up and walked out then and there, so I can see exactly what Ruby Wax is saying about saying nothing or even lying. For me tho I feel if I'm not honest about it, I'm not only lying to an employer, but I'm lying to myself, and doing an injustice to others who are suffering in silence. This is something we are trying to stop and we shouldn't have to pick and choose when to be honest or when to hide in the closet

----------

Suzi (08-07-15)

----------


## rose

In interviews I might be asked why I haven't worked for 6 months, I mention I was ill and couldn't take up my new job in January. They do not ask what I was ill with, and I do not volunteer the information. They are not allowed to ask. I know you like to be honest Stella, but if you feel well enough to work, why jeopardise your chances by giving information that could be used against you.

----------


## S deleted

But surely that is the point...Why should it be used against me? Plus to be perfectly honest if an employer won't employ me purely based on the fact I have a mental illness, I really don't want to work for them.

----------

Amaya (09-07-15)

----------


## Samantha340

I wouldn't say anything either. You are right Stella it should not matter, but it still does. MH is not visible, its hard to understand for people who have no experience. I guess they see you as a higher risk with MH history problems and might think you are not able to cope with pressure. It will be a long time until MH is not a stigma anymore. Maybe by not admitting we suffer we help to keep this stigma going?

----------


## Suzi

> For me tho I feel if I'm not honest about it, I'm not only lying to an employer, but I'm lying to myself, and doing an injustice to others who are suffering in silence. This is something we are trying to stop and we shouldn't have to pick and choose when to be honest or when to hide in the closet


 :(clap):   :(clap):   :(clap):  Completely agree. It's also why we've been honest to each teacher the sprogs have had - in fact last parent teacher evening for my girls I had to run out early as Marc was having a bad panic attack. No point lying, just was honest. 
If we aren't honest about it then it proves that there is something to hide about - something to be ashamed of. We then couldn't feel that we could tell our children that it isn't something to be frightened about... We had to face B struggling with anxiety and depression at 10. We couldn't then tell him that it was all going to be OK and yet hide Marc's illness. 
It also wouldn't be only us who it would affect - but we'd then have to tell our children not to say that Daddy wasn't very well. We wouldn't put them under that pressure...

----------

Paula (08-07-15)

----------


## rose

I used to put my date of birth on my CV. When I took it off, the number of call-backs I got doubled.
So clearly being a woman in my early 30s was counting against me. I'll leave people to ponder why that might be.

Stigmas exist and I am not going to give ignorant people the chance to discriminate against me.
Employers cannot ask if you have mental or physical disabilities, and therefore you do not have to tell them during the interview process.

With regards to educating our children; yes we should tell them, in an age-appropriate way, about these issues.

----------

Suzi (09-07-15)

----------


## Nita

The stigma is definitely there after a random conversation today with a member of senior management where we talked about a load of things but then said oh the people that I don't get are those that self harm I mean what is that all about and it went on for a while.  Me sat there thinking well its been part of my life but rather than say anything you don't.  Its not the right way but my current employer doesn't know that I had a breakdown.  All they know is that my brother was ill and that was enough.  The risk of being discriminated against due to my illness and not be able to support myself is too much.

----------


## Zeppelin

I told my boss shortly after I was first diagnosed, he was actually ok and we talke a bit, turns out he'd suffered in the past. After that he was fairly useless and has even made some remarks which arn't right. I don't tell him anything at all now. I didn't even tell him when I was seeing the counsellor at work for an hour a week.
I certainly wouldn't tell a prospective future employer if I could help it, I see no reason to. Someone may be prejudice purely because it's not something they understand rather than through discrimination as such.

----------


## S deleted

I can totally understand why you all choose to keep quiet and as I say I don't exactly walk around wearing a label advertising I have mental health issues. Re-reading that article again it is a bit unfair. Ruby Wax is slated for what she has said but the experiences here in this thread prove she is right and yes a lot of work has been done to try and break down the ignorance toward MH but there is still a long way to go.

If I lied or simply omitted the truth, I would just have one more thing to feel bad about and I already have enough guilt, shame and regret to deal with. Open and honest I can hold my head high instead of adding to my problems

----------


## Zeppelin

i think the only reason to tell an employer is if you think your condition will have an impact on your work. If your condition won't affect your work your employer doesn't need to know and you have no reason to feel guilty about withholding the information. If it will affect your work then the employer should be to act as they see fit (within the boundaries of employment laws etc.).

----------


## Paula

I won't ever work again, so I've kept quiet since my original post and just watched the conversation.  I think what makes me really sad about this whole conversation is that this is still an issue in the 21st century. And that doesn't just apply to work - how many of us don't feel we can tell friends or family we're struggling with MH illness?  It shouldn't even be a conversation - it makes me so angry that there's still such stigma attached

----------

magie06 (09-07-15),S deleted (09-07-15)

----------


## Suzi

I think it's really sad that so many of you feel this way...

----------

S deleted (09-07-15)

----------


## rose

Honestly, I don't tell them about any illness I have as I am sincerely hoping it won't impact on my work.
I will either use annual leave for appointments or work at home on those days if I know the appointments will be short.
Its unlikely my next job will be 9-5 anyway so if I am putting in extra hours, I expect to be able to take them back when I need them.
One job I have applied for is supporting all over the world so I imagine I'll be doing early starts and late nights.
I think that businesses have become much more flexible, particularly with regards to working hours and working from home, this is helped by technology (my work blackberry never stopped flashing at my last job). But its so competitive out there that you have to be careful.
I know I can do an awesome job despite my various medical problems, but the only way I can prove that is by doing it.
I've been regularly working at home for years since I developed IBS which made commuting very difficult. I get a lot more done at home anyway!!!!

----------


## S deleted

Bt if you had epilepsy or diabetes or chonic asthma wouldn't you tell then? It may not prevent you from doing your job but from a safety point of view is it not beneficial that an employer is aware of the situation in case of emergency? Is it not the same should you have a major panic attack? Or if you had bad side effects from a change to medication? Let's not forget depression is a killer and the best way to prevent that from happening is talking. The more me talk to people the better their understanding and just is the only way to tackle ignorance.

----------



----------


## Nita

It's unfortunate but if you let some people know you have a mental health condition then they judge and then start to consider if you're capable of the job you're doing even if been doing it ok for a while. When my brother died I went through a difficult stage and with my depression history was concerned about my mental health. My boss did not understand even though he knew the circumstances that had led to me being that way so what would he be like if he knew about the depression history. I've had to work hard since the day I was called in to discuss my work performance to convince him all is ok. It was like that when I was off at my previous job. My boss just didn't trust me because I'd been ill so it made it untenable to stay there as he'd always be second guessing me and that would have made the condition worse.

----------


## magie06

I still don't tell everyone, that I've suffered from mental health problems.  I don't think everyone needs to know. 

On our new driving licence forms, there is the question, at the end of all the question, a yes or no list of health questions. Mental health is one of the questions. I ticked the no box for it because it would affect my insurance if anything happened.

----------


## rose

> Bt if you had epilepsy or diabetes or chonic asthma wouldn't you tell then? It may not prevent you from doing your job but from a safety point of view is it not beneficial that an employer is aware of the situation in case of emergency?.


Yes I would tell them but  only if they offered me the job. At that point I will tell them everything.

----------


## Angie

My parents don't know about my depression or ptsd or anxiety and panic and I wont tell them, part of that is they are a big part of the cause.

----------


## Amaya

It's a good idea to look up the company's policy on these things before deciding whether to mention it. Local Authorities for example, have a great non-discrimination policy on this and it's actually advantageous to mention it at interview because if you subsequently need time off then they can't give you any grief about it. But not all companies are the same. I would decide on a case by case basis. But if I know somewhere would not want me for that reason, then I'm with Stella, why would I put myself into a hostile environment? The key thing is that whatever you decide, they do not have the right to ask, nor discriminate, but it is often a good idea to be honest without going into details, and always join the union, then you will have protection in the future whilst working.

----------


## S deleted

> My parents don't know about my depression or ptsd or anxiety and panic and I wont tell them, part of that is they are a big part of the cause.


I didn't tell my family because I was worried about my mothers reaction. She didn't take the news well when my sister told her she had depression and I didn't want to add to her worries. Once she died I came clean and told my dad and sister. I didn't hide it for my benefit, It was always about mum

----------


## Angie

My parents are a big part of the cause of my problems so I wont tell them, we barely have any relationship at all as it is, though some bridges have been crossed for the better, it will never be completely right between us

----------


## Zeppelin

I used to tell mum bits n pieces but not a lot, I rarely spoke to dad about thing, he was less understanding about thes things. I pretty much keep things to myself now. I used to have a couple of friends I talked to but not my current friends.

----------


## Samantha340

By not telling we are not giving others the chance to be there for us. You never know, behind their brave face might be a similar issue.

----------



----------


## Justin Tolerable

> I know this is a real struggle for so many - to tell your employer or not. Interesting article .....
> 
> http://www.theguardian.com/commentis...work-employers


I always do as it is a get-out-of-jail-free card and excuses any behaviour, however antisocial and ill-mannered. I blame everything I do on my mental disorders and people forgive me because of it. My view is that one should make hay while the sun shines and to use it before you lose it.

----------


## S deleted

Nothing wrong with covering your bases

----------


## Paula

> On our new driving licence forms, there is the question, at the end of all the question, a yes or no list of health questions. Mental health is one of the questions. I ticked the no box for it because it would affect my insurance if anything happened.


Fortunately, I've had the driving licence authority check me twice over the last 10 years to see if I'm fit to drive, so no insurance company can complain.

----------


## S deleted

It does state on the licence form Serious mental illness, and I wouldn't say depression falls into the kind of impairments they are talking about

----------


## Justin Tolerable

Well, the way I see it is this: either (a) I'm an awkward weirdo who has trouble talking to people and even looking at people and I stammer when I get nervous (which is when talking to and looking at other people)... or (b) I'm mentally ill _now_ and I tell people I was a normal person before my tragic mental illness occurred because of a hugely traumatic event that I conveniently don't want to talk about. I go for the second option.

----------


## Paula

I'm very honest, but with depression it's more to do with medication and their effects, from the questions I've been asked

----------


## mitz

This is a  difficult one, I read the article and most, if not all, of the comments are unfortunately people who have had bad experiences when they have disclosed.  I have done this myself at work, but only when it got to a stage where it was affecting my work and I couldn't hide it - I had to disclose whilst I was already in the post, as I wasn't coping and didn't have any choice.  I definitely would not have disclosed otherwise.  It doesn't really matter what the policies and procedures say where you work - including Local Authorities.  My experience of Unions was terrible.  Its easy and I think a bit naive - to say - always be completely honest - but if you are on the breadline and have to earn money to survive with a roof over your head etc, I would definitely not put my trust in any organisation or management structure to support me by telling people about it if I didn't have to. If you have got nothing to lose, and have other financial means of supporting yourself - then well yes, go ahead, you won't lose your livelihood or home - but most people don't have that luxury.  Its unfortunate, but the world is a harsh place and whilst you might get lucky and get someone supportive, you might not. Its too much of a risk to take if you don't have to tell.  If you do have to tell, be prepared for a fight, to prove that you are actually ill, and to try and get what you need to try and remain in work - because from my experience that is what you have to do - and that really isn't what you need, when you are not well anyway.  
For a new job, you don't have to tell anyone about any health conditions until you have been offered/accepted the post, so I would do so at that time, then leave it up to them if they want to withdraw an offer.  I would definitely not go down any tribunal etc route, as its expensive and stressful, unlikely to win - and definitely not a good idea for someone who has mental health issues, far too much pressure. 
I really don't think it should be up to people at their most vulnerable to fight a system for other people..I think that's a bit unfair and puts too much pressure on people who are unwell, whilst they are trying to survive with little/no support in the world of work.

----------


## mitz

So, yes I agree with Ruby Wax - fortunately for her she has less to lose by being so open and honest, as she is a rich lady and won't be jobless, homeless etc.

----------

Amaya (12-07-15)

----------


## Amaya

I'm sorry to hear you had a bad experience with the union, but there are many people who've also been helped by their union so that is something that anyone should try in a difficult position as they exist primarily to support the interests of the workers. Doesn't mean this always works perfectly.

Also, if you look at history it is always the oppressed groups who have had to fight for their own freedom. Sometimes with help from others not in their group, or with solidarity from other oppressed groups. But none of the rights we take for granted today were handed to us by those in power, they were all fought for in tremendous struggles. However, that does not mean that every individual is responsible for fighting this battle alone. There are plenty of groups who can help with rights in the workplace and on benefits, such as Disabled People Against the Cuts and many others.

So whether you tell or not has to be something the individual weighs up for themselves, is their emotional wellbeing robust enough to deal with possible negative responses? If not, don't, stay safe.

But at some point if we want a world where mental health issues are understood and accepted without the result being discrimination, then we will have to stick our necks out on the tough issues and not wait for someone to not do it for us. But I say that's best done in large groups (like through the unions, campaigners etc.) rather than any particular person putting themselves in an unsafe place by disclosing what they did not have to about their private life. So only do it if you can. But the larger situation has more hope in it than mitz's post would suggest, if we stick together. But mitz, big hugs because your experience sounds horrible and I'd have fought your corner if I'd been your union rep x

----------


## mitz

Hi Emmy, thanks for response. hope you are doing okay....my experience with the actual union rep was okay - the rep was really supportive and on my side, but it seemed there was a lot of politics going on behind the scenes, and he was unable to support me how he wanted to and was actually taken off my case!  Before this experience I was not quite so negative about the whole thing, and prepared to 'fight', but it did open my eyes to how things can be, and it was a bit of shock, hence now my caution.  I say it with regret really, as all the fight has been taken out of me and I would never get involved in that kind of thing again; it is so stressful and you have to be and feel really strong.   I think that's the problem which you mentioned - about fighting the battle alone, as that is how it was; and depression makes you feel like that anyway.    
hugs to you Emmy

----------

