# Other > Fun and games >  Jokes and one liners

## Jarre

Heres a few one liners from an American comedian called Stephen Wright

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.


I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.


OK, so what's the speed of dark?


How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?


Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.


Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.


Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.


Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.


I intend to live forever - so far, so good.


If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?


Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.


When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.


What happens if you get scared half to death twice?


I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.


Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?


A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.


Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.


The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

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OldMike (24-11-15),Suzi (17-02-12),veggie (05-05-12),Watson (24-04-14)

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## Squishymama

LOL! Brilliant. Really made me smile  :):

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Jarre (17-02-12)

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## Suzi

:(rofl):   :(rofl):   :(rofl):

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## Diablo

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,  subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. 
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

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Jarre (17-02-12),Suzi (17-02-12),veggie (05-05-12)

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## Jarre

Stephen Wright is quite relevant as he has been fighting depression for many years and has always been a recluse.  he is very dead pan with his humour, heres a snippit.

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Aspasia (18-02-12),Suzi (17-02-12),veggie (05-05-12)

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## Aspasia

> 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
> 
> 3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.


^ So funny, and funny because they are very true!

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## Diablo

Yes  ALL Truly American

Surely too unbelievable to be true but if they are ..... IT COULD ONLY HAPPEN IN AMERICA

Stella Awards

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee.  You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving.  Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?  That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head.  So keep your head scratcher handy.

_Here are the Stellas for the past year:_
** SEVENTH PLACE **

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

_Start scratching!_
** SIXTH PLACE **

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.  Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.

_Scratch some more..._
** FIFTH PLACE **

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage.  Unfortunately forDickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open.  Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut.  Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish.  Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.  We should all have this kind of anguish.

_Keep scratching.  There are more...

Two-hand scratching after this one._
** FOURTH PLACE **

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbour's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.  Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

_Pick a new spot to scratch.  You're getting a bald spot!_
** THIRD PLACE **

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own actions? 

_Only two more so ease up on the scratching...._ 
** SECOND PLACE **

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000.... Oh yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

_Ok. Here we go!!_
** FIRST PLACE ** 

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was:  Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home.  On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.  Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned.  Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver'sseat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?

She got $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Are we, as a society, getting more stupid.... 
or are more members of Parliament serving on juries these days?

LIVE well... LAUGH often... LOVE much

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Aspasia (02-03-12),Jarre (02-03-12),OldMike (24-11-15),veggie (02-03-12)

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## russells

Exit signs, they're on the way out!

Alphabet grenade - if it goes off it could spell disaster

One armed butlers - they can take it but they can't dish it out!

So I went down the local supermarket. I said: “I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.” He said: “Those are pickled onions.” 

Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes.

Enjoy :-)

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Suzi (04-05-12),veggie (05-05-12)

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## janus

This made me laugh out loud today when a friend posted it on Facebook...
What do you call a judge with no fingers?
Justice Thumbs.

Ok,that may say more about the nature of depression than anything else...but it STILL made me laugh!

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## Suzi

pmsl! Made me laugh too!

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## knowlesy

A lot of people have probably seen these but they crack me up.Clean language but may offend(nothing to bad-best to give a heads up though)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XNDlr...e_gdata_player
&http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Neo0h...e_gdata_player
&http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLknS...e_gdata_player
&http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bEtd...e_gdata_player
 :(whew):

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amaeru (12-03-13),CeeCee (12-03-13),Jarre (12-03-13)

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## knowlesy

This isnt a joke or one liner but is hilarious IMHO;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGS_C...e_gdata_player
 :(rofl):

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amaeru (12-03-13),CeeCee (12-03-13),Suzi (12-03-13)

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## Jarre

I love milton jones  :):

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## amaeru

Those were great! xx

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## amaeru

Plus here's one for the girls....

*In my next life..*

In this life I'm a woman
In my next life. 
I'd like to be a bear....mm.... :(mm): 

You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I COULD DEAL WITH  THAT .

Before you hibernate you're supposed to eat yourself stupid
I COULD DEAL WITH THAT

When you're a girl bear. 
You birth children (who are the size of
walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake up to partially grown
cute cuddly cubs.
I COULD   DEFINITELY  DEAL WITH THAT

If you are a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. 
If your cubs get out of line,you swat them too.
I COULD DEAL WITH THAT.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.
He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat

YUP GONNA BE A BEAR!!!!!   :(grin):

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CeeCee (12-03-13),Suzi (12-03-13)

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## knowlesy

That sounds good to me Amaeru!
Was going to put Stewart Francis on too Jarre but each one had a joke that would have caused it to be removed :S:  & Tim Vine but I got a sore thumb by then :(happy):

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## CeeCee

I wanna be a bear!!!!!  :(rofl):

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## knowlesy

I can act like one with a sore  :Mooning:  at times :O:

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CeeCee (12-03-13)

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## amaeru

*Good medical advice*


1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but its harmful if done every day. 

2. F***ing relaxes your mind & body.

3. F***ing refreshes you. 

4. After F***ing don’t eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try f***ing in bed cause it can save you valuable energy.

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.


SO, REMEMBER ..


*Fasting* is good for health

&

may the good Lord cleanse your dirty mind..

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CeeCee (17-03-13),Suzi (17-03-13)

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## CeeCee

I follow a guy on Twitter who tweets some awesome one-liners. Here's a sample:

_Do your clothes smell of Jedi? Must be body Yoda._
_My friend thinks he's a traffic island. He broke the news to me yesterday - in a roundabout way._
_Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Chicken doubt._
_Mum used to make us drink Milk of Amnesia. I forget why._

 :):

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## knowlesy

I broke wind in a lift; thats wrong on so many levels.
(stewart francis)
When Prince Charles sails to Cornwall he goes via the English channel rather than the Bristol channell. Thats because he wants to make sure to "pass the Duchy on the left hand side"
(Milton Jones)
BNAG- Thats BANG out of order that is.
(Tim Vine)

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amaeru (17-03-13),Angie (17-03-13),CeeCee (17-03-13),Suzi (17-03-13)

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## amaeru

Proceedings in American Courtrooms
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place. 

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? 
WITNESS: No, I just lie there. 
________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? 
WITNESS: July 18th. 
ATTORNEY: What year? 
WITNESS: Every year. 
_____________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? 
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 
______________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes. 
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 
WITNESS: I forget. 
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you 
forgot? 
_____________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? 
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? 
WITNESS: Forty-five years. 
_____________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? 
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" 
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? 
WITNESS: My name is Susan. 
______________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? 
____________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? 
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. 
________________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? 
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? 
______________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 
WITNESS: Yes. 
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? 
WITNESS: Duh............. 
______________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? 
WITNESS: Yes. 
ATTORNEY: How many were boys? 
WITNESS: None. 
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? 
______________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? 
WITNESS: By death. 
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? 
______________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? 
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. 
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? 
______________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a 
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 
______________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? 
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. 
______________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? 
WITNESS: Oral. 
______________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. 
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? 
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! 
____________________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 
WITNESS: Huh? 
____________________________________________ 

And the best for last 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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CeeCee (10-04-13),Jarre (20-03-13),sidiam (10-12-13)

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## amaeru

*Fairy tale-with attitude. And anglo saxon*

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he looks into his small bowl. 

It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. 


Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looked into his big bowl and it is also empty. 

"Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars. 

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 

"For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? 
It was Mummy Bear who got up first. 
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house 
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. 
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. 
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. 
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. 
It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned out the litter boxes, put out their food and refilled their water. 
And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and 
grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully because I'm only going to say this once. . .


I HAVEN'T MADE THE F :Swear:  :Swear: IN' PORRIDGE YET!!!"

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CeeCee (10-04-13)

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## knowlesy

:(rofl):

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## amaeru

:(bow):  :(bow):  xx

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## Leizllou

Love it thank you

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## amaeru

*Music and medicine - easily confused*

There was once this welsh girl, see, called Megan..
 Megan got herself pregnant. Well she didn't get *herself* pregnant but you know what I mean. :O: 
Terribly worried she goes to see her friend , Bronwyn.

"Oh Bronwen," she says "I'm in terrible terrible trouble. I'm pregnant and I don't know what to do. My da will kill me."

Bronwen thinks long and hard.

"I tell you what you need to do, Megan" says Bronwen "You want to go and see one of those Harley street doctors, see. They will sort it out for you and you da doesn't need to know."

Megan takes her friend's advice and travels down to Harley street. A bit flummoxed she knocks on the first Dr's door she sees. The name on the brass plate reads Dr Ralph Vaughan Williams.
A house keeper answers the door.

"I need to see the Dr right away" says Megan "Its ever so important, see."
"I'm afraid that won't be possible, my dear," says the housekeeper, "He's  orchestrating '_The Men of Harlech_'

"Orrf castrating the men of Harlech!!"Megan testily replies "*Well it's about bldy time somebody did!!!*"

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## amaeru

Two cows

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
... You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, 
feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A ROMANIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell them to the abattoir where they are slaughtered and minced.
The procesed meat is shipped to France and then to re-shipped to neighbouring Luxembourg
to make frozen meat dishes for Tesco.
It turns out you had two horses and not two cows.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive!

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CeeCee (10-04-13)

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## knowlesy

Very good  :(happy):

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amaeru (10-04-13)

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## knowlesy

Saw this on northwest today, didnt know where to post it but had to share, made me   :(rofl):   :(rofl):  &  :@:  at same time (its 100% true)
Local supermarket chain Booth's had to withdraw an entire shipment of own brand bags of monkey nuts by the food standard agency as they didnt have the warning; "May contain nuts" on the packet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
Couldnt make it up could you??   :X:

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sidiam (10-12-13)

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## amaeru

That is completely and utterly barking  :S:  :(rofl): 

On the subject of nuts - really bad childish joke.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Cash
Cash who?
No thanks, I'll have a peanut

 (groan!!!!!)

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## CeeCee

Just spotted this via a Facebook link. Made me chuckle  :(happy): 

http://vimeo.com/65102146

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Suzi (05-05-13)

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## purplefan

A man goes to the doctors and tell the doctor "i'm not well " 
So the doctor tell's him to stick his tongue out the window.
The man a bit confused asks the doctor.
"Will the natural sunlight help you see better doctor"? 
The doctor Reply's.
"No, i just don't like the greengrocer across the road" :(rofl):

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amaeru (14-07-13),Suzi (14-07-13)

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## amaeru

:(rofl):

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## amaeru



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Paula (14-07-13)

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## Paula

Two owls sitting on a perch. One says, do you smell fish?

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amaeru (14-07-13)

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## amaeru

That one took me a few seconds before the penny dropped Paula, 
Brilliant  :(rofl):

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## Paula

Lol, took my brain a few seconds to kick in too  :O:

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## tinkerbell

lol  :(rofl):

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## knowlesy

Got it right away  :(rofl): 
amaeru-  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

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## amaeru

Smart alec  :P:  :P:

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Paula (14-07-13)

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## purplefan

I phoned up my gym today and said:
"Could you teach me the splits"?
The guy on the phone said: "How flexible are you"?
I said: "I cant make Tuesday's".

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Paula (15-07-13)

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## purplefan

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

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## purplefan

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

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Paula (18-07-13)

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## purplefan

when i was a little lad my mother told me one day.
She said: "son, if you put your mind to it, you can achieve anything you want, the sky is the limit".

I was so up set, as i want to be an astronaut.

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## knowlesy

He he  :):

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## amaeru

A few more funnies......
******************

Annual Check-up - LADY'S YEARLY EXAM


I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"60 kilos," I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.

It turns out my weight is 87.

The nurse asked, "Your height?"
"168cm," I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 158.

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac.

What a cow! 


*************

Guy goes to the Dr

and says "I cnat siht!"

The Dr says "it seems you're having problems with vowel movements"

**********

The daily groan

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. 

As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. 


Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.

What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.


He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. 

He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now, he knows what to do and shovels them into the lion’s cage because lions eat anything.


Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.

He wanders up to another lion and asks:

"What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant.....

*Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees*."

**********

When I say I'm broke, I'm broke

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying A vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man.

'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, 
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.

''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

  Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... 
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove 
All traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

----------

Paula (27-07-13)

----------


## amaeru

Lost guitarist

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to ...play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a paupers cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

 I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the undertaker's wagon was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

 I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didnt know what else to do, so I started to play.

 The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like Ive never played before.

 And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.


 As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,* I never seen nothin like that before and Ive been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.*

Apparently, Im still lost

----------



----------


## amaeru

News Item

*Relief As Missing Pensioners Found Safe And Well.*

'We were really worried when they wandered-off from their homes on Saturday night,' said a concerned relative. 'Fortunately the police found them safe and well, playing the main stage at Glastonbury.'

******

The Chicken Gun

Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist! 


Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.  The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. 

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.  Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. 

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. 


NASA responded with a one-line memo --

*"Defrost the chicken."*

**********

Irish Diet

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. 

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ... 

And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.' 

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs! 

'That's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?' 

The Irishman nodded ... 'I'll tell you though, be all the saints, I taut I were going to drop dead on dat tird day.' 

'You mean from the hunger?' asked the doctor. 

*'No, from the bl*ody skippin!'*

****

Thank you and good night  :(bow):  :O:

----------

Paula (27-07-13)

----------


## knowlesy

:(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------

amaeru (27-07-13)

----------


## tinkerbell

:(rofl):  thanks for posting them, i needed a laugh x

----------

amaeru (28-07-13)

----------


## Lostfriend

Thank you for posting them.

----------

amaeru (28-07-13)

----------


## purplefan

Crime in multi story car parks. 
That's wrong on so many different levels.

----------


## purplefan

A sandwich walks into a bar.
barman said "sorry mate, we don't serve food in hear"!

----------



----------


## purplefan

Jon prestcott saying it isunacceptable to hit polititions with eggs. :(rofl): 
I am asuming that it's okay to just punch the public then Two jabs?

----------



----------


## purplefan

These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor.
________________________________________________ 
Q: Does it ever get windy in  Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK). 
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die. 
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) 
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney  - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles.  Take lots of water. 
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in  Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK ) 
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in  Australia  ? (USA) 
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of  Europe  .
Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ..
Oh, forget it.  Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in  Australia  ? (USA) 
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. 
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into  Australia  ? (UK) 
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna  Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ..  
Oh, forget it.  Sure, the  Vienna  Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in  Australia  ? (UK) 
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) 
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.  Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) 
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) 
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) 
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________ 
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) 
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) 
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

----------

Paula (05-09-13)

----------


## Paula

Ha that's really funny, pf  :(rofl):

----------


## purplefan

Tess Daly has said she fears for Strictly’s future as they’re running out of celebs. She does know that happened in series 2 right?

----------


## purplefan

The original eco warrior Swampy has retired. Well they say he’s ‘retired’ he’s probably just fallen out of the tree.

 Swampy died of a heart attack years ago. He wouldnt accept a bypass

----------


## purplefan

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/m...-graffiti.html

Yes it's true folks. Su boyle is to do a duet with Elvis. If you think Susan Boyle duetting with Elvis is in questionable taste, wait til you see her & Tupac singing Hit ‘Em Up.

----------


## Suzi

Dear goodness that sounds horrific!

----------


## purplefan

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian

My girlfriend recently had a phantom pregnancy. And now we have a little baby ghost.

They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras

----------

Suzi (15-09-13)

----------


## purplefan

you know these muslim right winged fundamentlists?
WHen are the salvation army going to step up and do something?

----------


## purplefan

I was in pizza hut last night. They are offering Garlic bread with cheese and tomato.
Correct me if i'm wrong. that's a pizza!

----------



----------


## purplefan

A few jokes about the female of the species. (of course if you know men jokes then...)
Q: What's the difference between a knife and a woman arguing? 
A: a knife has a point. 

Q: Why do women like to have sex with the lights off? 
A: They can't stand to see a man have a good time! 

Q: What's the most common sleeping position of a woman? 
A: Around. 

Q: How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher? 
A: When the old one expects you to "do your share" 

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

(hope i did not offend anyone).

----------

Jarre (22-09-13),veggie (23-09-13)

----------


## purplefan

Doctor doctor, I feel like a carrot 
Don't get yourself in a stew

Doctor doctor, I've swallowed my pocket money 
Take this and we'll see if there's any change in the morning

Doctor doctor, what happened to that man who fell into the circular saw and had the whole left side of his body cut away? 
He's all right now.

Doctor doctor, I'm at death's door! 
don't worry, we'll soon pull you through

Doctor doctor, my spouse is so ill, is there no hope? 
 it depends what you are hoping for

----------



----------


## veggie

Some of those made me smile.

This is about the only one I can remember (well clean one lol)

Women have many faults but men have only two..........Everything they say and everything they do!

----------



----------


## purplefan

very good Veggie. I like it.


something i dont understand.
The great wall of china is 13,170 miles long.
Not a single cash machine?

----------


## Jarre

In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
  "Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -  but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is  the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding  the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for  a decision."

"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load  of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead  obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told  them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of  it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They  insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They  argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and  inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build  the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your  proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights  Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building  crew."

"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm  trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "Why bother, The Government beat me to it."

----------



----------


## knowlesy

That is very clever  :(rofl):

----------

Jarre (25-09-13)

----------


## purplefan

A Chinese man goes to the optitions for a checkup.
The examination was finally over and the two sit down to discuss the results.
"Well, Mr. Chung, I see you have cataracts."
Mr. Chung replies, " No, i drive a Rincoln Continental!"

----------


## purplefan

They say that if you eat a lot of spicy foods it can ruin your taste.
Last year i ate a lot of curry and suddenly i started listen to Michael Bolton a lot.

----------



----------


## Four Candles

One I saw online somewhere, it's terrible:

Did you hear about the bald bloke who ate too much sugar?
He's just awoken from a diabetic comb-over.

Let the groaning commence!

----------



----------


## purplefan

a passenger in a taxi heading for Waterloo station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. 

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window. 

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me." 

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." 

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab,
I've been driving a heaest for 25 years."

----------

Suzi (01-11-13)

----------


## purplefan

What dose D.N.A stand for?
National dyslexic association.  :(giggle): 

Ten out of two people have numerical dyslexia.

Have you heard about the dyslexic, insomniac,atheist, agnostic? He lay awake all night wondering if there was a dog.

----------


## purplefan

A little lad of about 9years old answers the front door in his dads dressing gown; a huge cigar in one hand; glass of wine in the other;
Two blonds on either arm. 
There is a copper standing there with a puzzled look on his face.
The copper asks:" are you parents home son"? 
The little lad replies: " Dose it look as if they are"?

----------


## AjaxKM

I saw a kidnapping in the park today.

I thought about intervening but decide to let himsleep

----------


## purplefan

I just got that one one ajax :(rofl):  
Nice play on words.

----------


## purplefan

How dose Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep pan, crisp and even.

----------

sidiam (02-12-13),Suzi (02-12-13)

----------


## sidiam

Ok I'll forgive you giving me a fright about you taking ad's like Smarties.
I loved this one!!
Sxx

----------


## sidiam

CHRISTMAS FRUIT CAKE RECIPE

Ingredients:
1 Cup water
2 Cups dried fruit
1 Tablespoon salt
1 Cup sugar
4 Large eggs
Lemon juice
1 tsp. baking soda
8 oz Nuts
8 oz Butter
1 Bottle Whiskey

Method:
Sample the whiskey to check for quality

Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour 1 level cup and drink.
Repeat

Turn on the electric mixer, beat 2 oz. butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one tsp. of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixterer. Break two bowls and add to the eggs and chuck in the dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey again to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift to sups of calt or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table spoon of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.

Next day, take 3 aspirins -and go to Marks and Spencer. Buy Christmas cake.

Sxx

----------

Paula (03-12-13),purplefan (03-12-13),Suzi (02-12-13)

----------


## purplefan

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

Grandchildren can be f**ing annoying. How many times can you go ‘And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink’? It’s like talking to a supermodel.

They say being a hostage is difficult  but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

----------


## purplefan

A seal walks into a club.

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.

Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: zu.

----------


## Suzi

Lol  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## Paula

Why does Santa have 3 gardens? 
So he can Ho! Ho! Ho!

----------

Suzi (03-12-13)

----------


## AjaxKM

Why wasnt Jesus born in Sheffield? Because they couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin :D

Two fish sitting in a tank one says to the other know how to drive this thing?

----------


## sidiam

What is green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbit ribbit.
                                                   a mistle toad 
 :(grin):  lol   
Sxx

----------


## Pen

Two owls sitting on a perch, one says to the other do you smell fish?

----------

sidiam (08-12-13)

----------


## sidiam

Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
A: Because it's too far to walk.

Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
A: "I don't like sprouts" !

Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? 
A: A subordinate claus.

Q. How do you get down off of an elephant?
A. You don't. You get down off of a duck. 

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick. 

What is red and sticky?
Baton Rouge.


Why is six scared of seven?
Because seven eight nine 

'night 
Sxx

----------

Suzi (04-12-13)

----------


## purplefan

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

----------


## purplefan

I used to be a hunt saboteur. I used to get up early and shoot the fox.

----------

amaeru (09-12-13)

----------


## Amaya

http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?clien...5&tx=118&ty=87

----------

amaeru (09-12-13)

----------


## purplefan

When i was a little Lad, my mother was always trying to inspire me to achieve things.
She said: "Son, you can achieve anything if you want to; the skies the limit".

I was so upset when she said that. I wanted to be an astronaut.

----------


## purplefan

conjunctivitis. com  That's a site for sore eyes.

----------


## AjaxKM

1. What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas? Twerky.
 2. Why did no-one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? Because they were two deer.
 3. Mary and Joseph – now they had a stable relationship.
 4. What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast? The One Show.
 5. What did Santa do when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker.
 6. Why don't you ever see Santa in hospital? Because he has private elf care.
 7. How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger.
 8. Why is it getting harder to buy advent calendars? Because their days are numbered.
 9. How do you know if Santa's been in your garden shed? You've got three extra hoes.
 10. Why was the Brussels sprout sent to prison? Because it was a repeat offender.

----------

Paula (10-12-13)

----------


## purplefan

groans.

----------


## purplefan

Why does Santa have 3 gardens? 
So he can ho-ho-ho.

 What do you get if you cross mistletoe and a duck? 
A Christmas Quacker.

 What Christmas song is hidden in the alphabet:
        A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z?
       Noel (No "L")

----------


## Suzi

Lol! Those are great!

----------


## purplefan

A magician was working on a cruse ship. He does the same act week in and out, with a new audience every week. However, the Captain's parrot watches the show every time. Finally, the parrot figures out how the tricks work and starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind his back!" Well, the magician get really annoyed at this, but what can he do? The parrot belongs to the Captain, after all. 

One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to swim to a plank of wood floating by and grabs on. The parrot is sitting on the other end of the plank. The just stare at each other and drift. They drift for 3 days and still don't speak. On the morning of the fourth day, the parrot looks over at the magician and says: "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"

----------

amaeru (12-12-13),Suzi (11-12-13)

----------


## purplefan

Two Irishmen talking and paddy says to mick.
"I See christmas falls on a Friday this year Mick".
and mick answers ; "is that a fact paddy"? He continues,
"Well I hope its not on the 13th".

----------


## AjaxKM

A photon books in to a hotel
The receptionist asks do you need assistance with your luggage?
The photon replies I don't have any Im travelling light

----------

amaeru (12-12-13),sidiam (11-12-13)

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):

----------


## purplefan

Why did the boy close his eyes before opening the refrigerator?
He didn't want to see the salad dressing.

Who ruled France until he exploded?
Napoleon Blownapart!

A polar bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a large orange juice . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . on the rocks."

The bartender served the juice and said, "Here it is, but why the big pause?"

"I don't know," the polar bear replied. "I've always had them."

What does a computer eat when it's hungry?
Chips, one byte at a time.

----------

amaeru (12-12-13),Paula (11-12-13),sidiam (11-12-13),Suzi (11-12-13)

----------


## AjaxKM

Just been on a Diabetis awareness site they asked if I accepted cookies is that a trick question?

----------

amaeru (12-12-13)

----------


## purplefan

An elephant walks into a bar and goes up to the piano player.
He starts crying. The piano player says:" Do you recognize the song mate"? The Elephant says: "no. I recognize the ivory.

----------

amaeru (12-12-13)

----------


## purplefan

what do you give a woman from poplar who has everything?

Penicillin. 


what is a woman from poplars favorite colour?
Glitter.

----------


## purplefan

Did you hear about the Irish turkey?

He is looking forward to Christmas. 

Did you hear about the Irish clairvoyant? 
She was closed due to unforeseen circumstances. 

Doctor doctor, I feel like a carrot 
Don't get yourself in a stew

Doctor doctor, Help me now! I'm getting shorter and shorter! 
just wait there and be a little patient

A man goes to a psychiatrists and tells him:
"I think i am a dog"
The psychiatrist reply: How long have you felt like that for"? 
The man SAYS: " ever since I've been a pup"

The psychiatrist says: Get up on the couch and well talk about it"
The man says: "Sorry but i'm not allowed on the couch"

----------


## purplefan

When i die, i hope i die in my sleep; like my dad. 
And not screaming and shouting like his passengers. 

Why is it when you scream in a library people tell you to be quiet.
But if you scream on an aeroplane; people scream with you?

----------


## amaeru



----------

Paula (12-12-13),Pen (12-12-13),purplefan (12-12-13),Suzi (14-12-13)

----------


## knowlesy

Groan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  :O:

----------


## purplefan

I'm watching match of the day and Alan Hansen said: "Wayne Rooney is second to nun"
I thought why do't they play her? 

A ref walks into a bar and i though. It's all gonna kick off now. 

I used to have a pet clay pigeon. I made the mistake of calling him paul. 

I went down to the rubbish dump the other day and there were 100's of seagulls. 
I thought. Who threw them out.

----------

Pen (15-12-13),Suzi (15-12-13)

----------


## purplefan

Doctor doctor i'm a kleptomaniac, i cant help stealing things!
Don't worry take these pills.
But what if they don't work?
Then could you get me a 52 inch flat screen TV?

Doctor doctor, I'm at death's door! 
don't worry, we'll soon pull you through

Doctor doctor, Help me now! I'm getting shorter and shorter! 
just wait there and be a little patient

Doctor, doctor I think I need glasses 
You certainly do missy, this is the fish and chip shop!

Doctor doctor, what can you give me for the wind? 
here, try this kite

----------

sidiam (16-12-13)

----------


## sidiam

Q: What do you call a fake noodle? 
A: An Impasta

Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest? 
A: An Investigator

Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!

Sxx

----------



----------


## Pen

Doctor Doctor I think I am a moth
You need a psychiatrist, Im a dentist
I know but your light was on...

----------

purplefan (16-12-13)

----------


## purplefan

Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? 
A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!

----------

Suzi (17-12-13)

----------


## knowlesy

Think somebody was watching Tim Vine at the weekend............. :(think):  Was very corny but hilarious esp the ventriloquist act  :(rofl):

----------

purplefan (17-12-13)

----------


## sidiam

Hi PF,
You pinched my joke... :(giggle): 

I didn't see Tim Vine we only get BBC1&2 here. Not complaining always better than Dutch tv. got the jokes of puter,
Sxx

----------



----------


## sidiam

Q: Why do seals swim in salt water?
A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

OMG I'D FORGOTTEN ABOUT YO MAMA!!!!
Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.

Yo mama's head is so big, she don't have dreams, she has movies. 

Sxx

----------


## AjaxKM

Yo mama owes me £10 she collapsed in the street and I had to catch a cab round her

----------

sidiam (18-12-13)

----------


## purplefan

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? 
He worked it out with a pencil, 

Yo mama is so ugly that people go as her for Halloween.

----------


## sidiam

Yo mama is so grouchy that the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? 
A: Professional courtesy.


As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". 


A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

take care Sxx

----------

amaeru (18-12-13),Miss Molly (28-12-13)

----------


## purplefan

Shocking news today.
Police have arrested two  youths: One for drinking battery fluid and another for eating a fire work.
They charged one and let the other off.

----------

Miss Molly (28-12-13)

----------


## sidiam

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers? 
A nervous wreck

What is green and stands in the corner? 
A naughty frog


3 men find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven.  They are told that they must present something with a flavor in order to get in. 
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree. He is allowed entry to Heaven. 
The second man offers a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier that evening. He too is allowed entry to Heaven. 
The third man reaches into his pocket and produces a pair of panties. 
They're Carols he said and he got in...


John and his wife Mary go away to Russia for Christmas and meet up with a local lad named Rudolf. 
One day they are sitting outside a cafe and John says "how lovely, it's starting to snow" 
Rudolf corrects him and says "no John that's rain". 
John insists it's starting to snow and Rudolf insists it's rain. 
Mary turns to John and backs Rudolf up by saying..... 
"Rudolf the red knows rain dear" 

I think I've already sent the last one..not to worry
Sxx

----------

Miss Molly (28-12-13),Suzi (22-12-13)

----------


## purplefan

All these reports of the high winds slowing down everyone's travel are surely an exaggeration. 
I've just seen a bloke on a pushbike doing 60mph.

----------

Miss Molly (28-12-13)

----------


## sidiam

Either you have been at the eggnog or you are getting your knickers in a twist because you think the Queen is coming to visit..
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR the wind is blowing him along, if you were here you could probably swim at 96.56 kph. the rain and wind are really awful,
have a nice evening everyone
take care
Sxx

----------


## AjaxKM

Had a metal detector for crimbo, just dug down 15 feet then realised I was wearing my steel toe capped boots !!!!!!

----------

Miss Molly (28-12-13)

----------


## sidiam

Sometimes we need to laugh!

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD
1) You can't count your hair. 
2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can't breathe when your tongueis out.
 Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

Ten (10) Things I know about you.
1) You are reading this. 
2) You are human. 
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips. 
4) You just attempted to do it. 
6) You are laughing at yourself. 
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5. 
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5. 
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person and everyone like that laughs at it too. 
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.  . 
Laugh and then laugh again and sing It's a Beautiful DAY!! Even when it's not

"Do not regret growing older.  It is a privilege denied to many."

take care 
Sxx

----------

amaeru (08-01-14),Jarre (07-01-14),Suzi (07-01-14)

----------


## Zeppelin

OK, I'll admit it, I stuck my tongue out to see if I could breath with it out.  At least now I know for sure I can!

----------


## Pen

For those of us who don't feel as young as we used to here is a helpful guide…
The Seniors Texting Code
ATD: At the doctors
BFF: Best friend fell
BTW: Bring the wheelchair
BYOT: Bring your own teeth
FWIW: Forgot where I was
GGPBL: Gotta go pacemaker battery low
GHA: Got heartburn again
IMHO: Is my hearing-aid on
LMDO: Laughing my dentures out
OMSG: On my massage recliner
OMSG: Oh my! Sorry gas
ROFLACGU: Rolling on floor laughing and can't get up
TTYL: Talk to you louder.

----------

amaeru (11-01-14),Paula (11-01-14)

----------


## amaeru

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## purplefan

Did you hear about the Irish woman who had a phantom pregnancy? 
She gave birth to a baby ghost.

Did you hear about the Irish clairvoyant? She was closed due to unforeseen circumstances. 

Did you hear about the irish man who though the cold war happened in the winter. 

Did you hear about the irish man who burnt his feet. when his wife asked how he did it. He replied: " I was cooking a steam pudding and it said
pierce tin and stand in boiling water". 

Did you hear about the Irish man who fell out the window while ironing his curtains.

----------


## Pen

Did you hear about the two seater plane that crashed in an Irish cemetery. Irish police have so far uncovered 200 bodies and are still counting.

----------

Paula (14-01-14)

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## purplefan



----------


## purplefan

I am going to start a new magazine. 
You have heard of hello, the celebrity magazine that goes round celeb gaffs and interviews them? 

I am starting one with a difference. I am going to go to dead celebrity graves and take pictures of the headstones.
I am going to call the magazine.

Goodbye.

----------


## Pen

Did you hear about the ice cream man who was found in his van, dead, covered in hundreds and thousands? Police say he topped himself.

----------


## purplefan

Doctor, doctor I feel like a sheep. 
oh that's very baaaaaaaad!

Doctor, doctor...I've just swallowed a roll of film! 
come back tomorrow and we'll see what develops!

Doctor doctor, What can I do? Everyone thinks I'm a liar? 
I find that very hard to believe!

Doctor doctor, I'm really worried about my breathing 
We'll soon put a stop to that

----------


## purplefan

After retiring, a man went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's License to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized that he had left his wallet at home.
He  told the woman that he  was very sorry, but he  would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So the man opened his shirt revealing his curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed with his Social Security application...
When he got home, he excitedly told his wife about his experience at the Social Security office....
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):   :(rofl):

----------


## amaeru

:(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## purplefan

A bloke walks in to a brothel and says "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total
humiliation?"


The Madam replies £37.50.
The bloke says "Wow, that's cheap, what do I get for that?"
She says "A  manchester united  top!"







My ex wife used to say, i never listened to her.

or something like that!.

----------


## purplefan

Taken from an education exam paper for primary children.
Keep an eye on the spelling. Made me giggle. 

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

 2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK 

      AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

 3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

 4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

 5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

 6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

 7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD,WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

 8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

 9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

 10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

 11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLEOF GERITOL.

 12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

 13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, 

       A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

 14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

 15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

 16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED, THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

 17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

 18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

 19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. 

        HE ALSO EXPLAINED  A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

 20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

 21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

 22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

 23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

 24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

 25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

----------

amaeru (24-01-14),Suzi (24-01-14)

----------


## Paula

As a committed Christian, I find that .........






Completely hilarious  :(rofl):   :(rofl):

----------


## Pen

Even feeling like I am carrying a dead lead weight inside me this managed to raise a smile. I especially liked 12, 19 and 20.

----------


## purplefan

The England cricket Team went to visit an orphanage in Australia this morning "It's so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Rodger walker aged 6.


Welcome to the Alzheimer's login area.

Please enter your 16 digit password.

----------


## purplefan

10 reasons why men are lazy:

1) 


I hate being bi-polar. IT'S BRILLIANT!

----------


## amaeru

:(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## purplefan

was in sainsbury's the other day and bought some sausages.
There was a photo of Jamie oliver on the front and on the back it said.
Prick with fork. I though i can't argue with that.

----------

amaeru (25-01-14)

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## amaeru

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  - that made me smile

----------


## purplefan

Man goes to a house to buy a dog, and asks the owner the price.

£3000 says the man.

Thats expensive for a dog.

Yes, but it can talk, ask it a question.

OK says the man, What's your name?

Spot, says the dog.

And you can really speak, says the man. 

Yes says the dog, English, German, and some Spanish

Thats amazing says the man, tell me more about yourself.

Well says the dog, when I went for my inocculations as a puppy, the vet discovered
I could speak, so he gave me a job as a receptionist in his practice, but after a few months, I got bored, joined
the Army and went to Iraq and Afghanistan. But I was doing security patrols, sniffing out IEDs and it got a bit dangerous
so I came home, got a job as head of security in a wing of Belmarsh High Security Prison. The food was terrible, so I left and have spent the last 2 years at a farm in Aberdeenshire, where I looked after 200 head of cattle, 300 ewes and 150 breeding sows. But it was really hard work,
and so I have decided to retire.

Thats astonishing, said the man, why on earth do you want to sell a dog that can speak 3 languages, and who has done all these
amazing things?

He's a liar! he's never been out the garden.

----------


## amaeru

:(giggle):

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

LOL!!!

----------


## purplefan

Police in Poplar last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of

200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 15 kilos of 
heroin, 5 million in forged euro banknotes and 25 trafficked
east-European prostitutes - all in a semi-detached house behind the
Public Library.

Local residents were stunned, as a community spokesman said: "We're all
shocked; we never knew we had a library."



An Irishman goes for a job as a Blacksmith. Man asks him "Have you got any experience shoeing horses?" "No", says the Irishman, "but I once told a donkey to feck off."

----------


## amaeru

:(rofl):

----------


## purplefan

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Chinese, a Japanese, a Kiwi, a Canuck, an Eskimo, a Fijian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Spaniard, a Mongolian, a Tibetan, a Polack, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Indian, an Italian, a Brazilian, a Kenyan, a South African, a Filipino, a Pakistani, a Korean, a Argentinean, a Lithuanian, a Dane, a Finn, a Swede, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man go to a pub.





The bouncer says, "Sorry. I can't let you in without a Thai."

----------


## amaeru

Groan!!  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Lol! made me chuckle!

----------


## purplefan

I went to the pet shop and asked for a fish.
The man said:"Would you like and Aquarium sir"? 
I said: " I don't care what star sign it is.

----------

Suzi (25-01-14)

----------


## purplefan

S O M E T I MES 

Sometimes....when you cry....
No one sees your tears. 

Sometimes....when you are in pain....
No one sees your hurt.

Sometimes....when you are worried....
No one sees your stress. 

Sometimes....when you are happy....
No one sees your smile.



- 

-

-

But FART !! Just ONE friggin' time..... 
And everybody knows!

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):

----------


## purplefan

I think my allotment maybe getting smaller and smaller, I think I may be losing the plot...

----------

Paula (28-01-14)

----------


## Suzi

:Hedgehog:  :Hedgehog:

----------


## purplefan

I hate it when i get a bit of poo on my finger when the toilet paper breaks. 
But apart from that, i love my new job at the old folks home.

----------


## purplefan

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Asda. 

The husband picks up a case of Stella and puts it in their trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 

'They're on sale, only £7.00 for 24 cans he replies. 

'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. 

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £14.00 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 

"It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. 

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the price.

----------


## purplefan

I took the shell off a snail to see if it would go faster, but if anything, it just made it more sluggish.

----------

Suzi (28-01-14)

----------


## purplefan

A woman was talking to her husband about breast implants,
"I would love to have bigger breasts" she said to her husband.
"But it is too expensive". 
"Why not lay your breasts on the sofa all day" replied the husband.
"Will that work" The wife asked excitedly.

"It did for your bum" said the husband.

----------


## amaeru

Ooooooooooh   :^):  :(punch):    ................   - kidding   :O:  :O: 

 :(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## purplefan

I hope i don't offend any ladies put there. 
I would love to here some men jokes.

----------


## Suzi

What's the difference between government bonds and    
           men?             
       Q.  Bonds Mature.

 Q.  What is the difference between a man and a catfish? 
       A.  One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a
            fish.

Q.  What did god say after creating man? 
       A.   I can do better.

Q.  Husband: Want a quickie? 
       A.   Wife: As opposed to what?

Q.  Why do men want to marry virgins? 
       A.   They can't stand criticism.

----------

purplefan (29-01-14),sidiam (29-01-14)

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):

----------


## sidiam

love Peter Kay...

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before..

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder. 

take care Sxx

----------

amaeru (29-01-14),Paula (29-01-14)

----------


## amaeru

:(rofl):

----------


## amaeru

*The Wisdom of Old Age*

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a monkey's anymore. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

 Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1.. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2.. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3.. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4.. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5.. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6.. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

7.. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8.. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the lamppost.

9.. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE..........???

----------

purplefan (06-02-14),sidiam (30-01-14)

----------


## amaeru

*Politics*

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. " "Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people." "The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense," So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."

----------

sidiam (29-01-14)

----------


## sidiam

Attachment 149

Is it ok to post things this way???
Sxx

----------


## amaeru

:(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## amaeru

Ah b*gger !!! - I only meant to delete the duplicates but now the attachment has gone. Sorry S.  :(blush): 
Pop it in again and I'll keep me hands off  :O:  :O:

----------


## purplefan

I wonder if anyone watching storage wars has suddenly realized that's their stuff?

----------


## Pen

Last Sat we had our first house viewing and so we cleared and tidied as best we were able. A fair amount of stuff ended up in the spare bedroom and the garage.

Hubby thought a good new reality show would be house viewing wars. Were people are filmed viewing houses and their faces when they open a door to find something unusual or shocking behind it…. That moment would go something like "and find out after the break what they saw!"

----------


## purplefan

That is a great idea. He should contact an agent right away.

----------


## purplefan

The stewards at my football club, orient are really tough.
Last week, one steward caught two young boys trying to climb over the wall. 
the steward grabbed them by the collar and said: "You have to stay and watch the end of the game like everyone else".

----------



----------


## purplefan

Steve Brookstein the first winner of the x factor is still selling records.

In his saturday job at HMV.

----------


## purplefan

what do you get if you cross a penis with a telephone pole?

You get a huge male organ that wants to reach out and touch someone. 


My girlfriend  was suffering from silent farts. I sent her to the doctor. she said 
"Doc, you gotta help me I'm suffering from silent farts. Last night at the opera I had ten silent farts, this morning at breakfast I had two silent farts and sitting here in this office I had five silent farts. emissions. What the hell am I going to do?" 
"Well first were going to check your hearing" said the doctor.

----------


## sidiam

Why was the blonde staring at the cordial? Because it said concentrate 

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?" 
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?" 
The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."


A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg,  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created. 
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. 
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. 
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" 
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. 
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. 
Then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood.
The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people."
The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of five people."
The third bat comes back covered in blood. He says, "See that castle over there?" The other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."

take care
Sxx

----------

amaeru (14-02-14),Paula (13-02-14)

----------


## purplefan

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're
Shakespeare?

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're
reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm
like that all the time.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"##

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had
to buy them again.
I was an only child....eventually.

----------


## amaeru

*Sipping Vodka*

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. 
After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.  At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12..
There are 12 disciples, not 10...
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body."   He did not say,"Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

----------

Paula (16-02-14),sidiam (16-02-14)

----------


## sidiam

I love it..LOL
take care
Sxx

----------

amaeru (16-02-14)

----------


## sidiam

Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the mother superior. "well, how can I help you little people?" asked mother superior. the larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked "oh mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at the convent?" "No," says mother superior, "I don't have any midget nuns here at the convent" "all right than, mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland than?" "no, no," replied mother superior, "I don't know of any nuns who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all." "Well than mother superior, in all of nundom, in the whole world of all the nuns, would you be knowing, than, of any midget nuns?' "No, I would not, there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!" replied mother superior, "and would you please tell me what this is all about!!?" The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the stupid leprechaun and said "see, its as I told you all along, you've been dating a Penguin"

goodnight....Sxx

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amaeru (16-02-14)

----------


## amaeru

:(rofl):  xx

----------


## purplefan

I went to the local massage parlor and asked the lady there to make me feel dirty and degraded. 
She took me to the local Lidl store.

----------


## purplefan

Just read in the local paper about a fruit and veg shop who were visited by the environmental health.
The looked in a box of apples and found a dead mouse  that had been dead for 20 years. 

A shocked customer asked, "How do they know it was in there for 20 years"? 
The health inspector replied. "It had a date in it's mouth"

----------


## sidiam

Q: Why do only 40% of men go to Heaven?
A: If they all went, it would be hell.

This guy wasn't called Ned when I was in my teens and first heard about him but it is still one of the best, clean and clever jokes I know of. 

Ned: The Most Popular Man in the World
Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat. 
"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned. 
"Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world." 
"Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!" 
"That so?" answers Bill, "How about the President of the United States?" 
"Let's go!" says Ned. 
The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave. 
"That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!" 
"Let's go!" says Ned. 
The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave. 
Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!" 
"Benny!" says Ned, "Let's go!" 
When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up. 
"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says, 
"Ned. You're the most popular man in the world." 
"I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!" 
"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"

The best other sort of joke is about the little girl with blonde curls and her fat dog!!!
take care
Sxx

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Paula (19-02-14),Suzi (19-02-14)

----------


## purplefan

A woman is sitting in a Chinese restaurant. A duck suddenly waddles up and says, " Your eyes sparkle like the stars in the night sky" and
gives her a bunch of flowers. 
The woman sighs and calls the waiter over and says, "I asked for aromatic duck".

----------


## purplefan

A man in a hospital ward wakes up and suddenly clls over the nurse.
"NURSE NURSE " He screams "I can't feel my legs".
"That's because we amputated your hands sir" was her reply.

A man wakes up in a ward and the doctor standing next to his bed asks, "How are you feeling"? the man reply's "ok".
Doctor says "I've got some good news and some bad news, what do you want first"?
The man said, "bad news first please".
Doctor tells him he had to amputate his feet. 
Shocked the man reply's "Well whats the good news then"?
Doctor says, "The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers".

----------


## purplefan

A man received a message from his neighbour


"Sorry sir I am using your wife...
I am using day and night ...
I am using when u r not present at home....
In fact I am using more than U R using.....
I confess this because now I feel very much guilt...
Hope U will accept my sincere apologies "


The man shot his wife !!!.


Few minutes later he received another message :
Sorry sir, spelling mistake ... wifi, not wife.

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amaeru (22-02-14)

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## sidiam

How did the cops catch the bra thief?
wait for it................................................  .....
they set a booby trap.. :(rofl):  :(rofl): 


take care 
Sxx

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amaeru (22-02-14),Paula (22-02-14),Suzi (24-02-14)

----------


## purplefan

A Mother superior dies and goes to heaven.
St. peter is at the gates and said"I must ask you three religious questions before you get in".
The mother superior said "Ok".
St peter asks the first question.

"What was the first plague God sent to hit Egypt"?  "Turning the Nile into blood" 
"Very good" said st. Peter.
"Next Question", At what time of day was Jesus crucified at"? The Nun replied " 3rd hour- 12pm" she said.
"Very good" said st. peter.
"What was the first ting Eve said when she saw Adam"? Asked St.Peter
The mother superior thought for a moment and hummed and haed. "Thats a hard one" she said."Ok" Said st.Peter, "Your in".

----------


## purplefan

I was walking past my fridge today, i was sure i heard a potato singing a bee gees song. 
But when i opened the door it was just a chive talking.

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):

----------


## purplefan

The Rolling Stones aren't as young as they used to be. 
Rumor has it that they're working on a new album called "Steel Wheelchairs"
Tracks include: 
Hey! You! Get Offa My Barcalounger! 
Lets Take A Nap Together
I Cant Get No Circulation
Its Only Dulcolax but I Like It
Help Me Up! 
Gimmie a Tax Shelter 
Brown Splenda 
19th Hip Replacement 
Limpin' Jack Flash 
You Can't Always Chew What You Want
Shes So Old and
Nursing Home Women

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amaeru (03-03-14),Miss Molly (04-04-14),Paula (03-03-14)

----------


## purplefan

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.



But it also lit up her arm, too!



Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.



A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her in the knee. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.



When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."

----------


## Mira

Like this one 

http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/73...ea0e0d8337.jpg

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Miss Molly (04-04-14)

----------


## amaeru

:(rofl):

----------


## purplefan

A magician gets a job on the Titanic and he has a parrot that sits on his shoulders as part of his act. 
On opening night, the magician is on stage in front of a packed house and he starts off the show by juggling some balls that vanish into thin air.
Well, the audience is amazed ans start to applaud. The parrot squawks "there up his sleeve, there up his sleeve" 
The magician tell the parrot to be quiet as he is spoiling his act.
Next the magician gets some clubs and sets them on fire. He is juggling them, and suddenly the vanish. 
Well, the audience go banana's and yell for more. 
The parrot squawks, there up his other sleeve, there up his other sleeve. 
Just at that moment, the boat hits the iceberg and sinks.
The poor magician is stranded in the middle of the Atlantic hanging on to a piece of wood, 
when suddenly the parrot appears and lands on his shoulder. 
Ok, squawkes the parrot; i give up. What have you done with the boat?

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## Miss Molly

:(rofl):  :(rofl):

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## amaeru

*Judas Asparagus*

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child:



The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there wasnothing but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says,'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.  Noah built alarge boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name wasCharlton Heston.  Moses led the Israel Lights out of  Egyptand away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.


 God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.  Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the firstBible guy to use spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who hadabout 300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.  One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is the star of The New.  He was born  in  Bethlehem  in a barn.(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')


During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and evenpreached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.  He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.  His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

----------


## purplefan

I love those things.  :(rofl):

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):  brilliant!

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## amaeru

Thought you'd like it Paula  :O:  - it made me  :(rofl):  when I read it

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## Suzi

Love that one Am!

I'm sure you've all seen it, but I love this one.. 

The Italian Tomato Garden 

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: 

Dear Vincent,
 I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

 Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
 Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
 Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
 Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
 Love Vinnie

----------

Amaya (05-04-14),Paula (05-04-14)

----------


## amaeru

:(rofl): 
Love it  :(nod):

----------


## purplefan

Two goats walking down a lane in Hollywood. They come across a roll of film and begin to eat it.
.After they had finished, one goat turned to his mate and said: "Did you like that film then"? The other goat said:" It was ok; but i preffered the book"

I'll get my coat.

----------


## Paula

:(giggle):

----------


## amaeru

Groan  :(giggle):

----------


## Pen

:(shake):

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):

----------


## Pen

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a birdMoses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller Jesus."

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amaeru (18-04-14)

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):

----------


## amaeru

:(rofl):  :(rofl): 
Brilliant Pen... I love it  :(nod):

----------


## Paula

Q: What do you call a bunny with a large brain?
A: An egghead. 
Q: Why shouldnt you tell an Easter egg a joke?
A: It might crack up! 
Q: What do you call a rabbit that tells good jokes?
A: A funny bunny!
 Q: Why didn't the bunny hop?
A: No bunny knows.
 Q: What do you get if you pour boiling hot water down a rabbit hole?
A: Hot cross bunnies.
 Q: How does the Easter Bunny paint all the Easter eggs?
A: He hires Santa's elves during the off season.
 Q: Why do rabbits eat carrots?
A: Because they don't want to be nearsighted!
 Q: What kind of music do bunnies like?
A: Hip Hop. 
Q: What did the father Easter egg do when the mother Easter egg told him a joke?
A: He cracked up!
 Q: What do you get if you cross a bee and a bunny?
A: A honey bunny! 
Q: Where does the Easter bunny eat breakfast?
A: IHOP. 
Q: How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
A: Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?!
 Q: Where does a bunny go if you give it a pair of socks?
A: A sock hop.
 Q: What do you call a rabbit with the sniffles? 
A: A runny bunny. 
Q: How does a rabbit throw a tantrum?
A: He gets hopping mad
. Q: How do you catch a rabbit?
A: Make a noise like a carrot. 
Q: What do bunnies do when they get married?
A: Go on a bunnymoon! 
Q: What stories does the Easter Bunny like best?
A: The ones with hoppy endings!
 Q: How do rabbits travel?
A: By HAREplanes.
 Q: What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an oyster?
A: The oyster bunny. 
Q: What day does an Easter Egg hate the most?
A: Fry-days. 
Q: What kind of bunny can't hop?
A: A chocolate one! 
Q: What happened to the egg when he was tickled too much?
A: He cracked up. 
Q: Why was the Easter Bunny so upset?
A: He was having a bad hare day!
 Q: What does the Easter Bunny get for making a basket?
A: Two points, just like anyone else. 
Q: Where does Valentine's Day come after Easter?
A: In the dictionary. 
Q: What is the Easter Bunny's favorite sport?
A: Basket-ball, of course!
 Q: What kind of jokes do eggs tell?
A: Egg yolks!

I'll get my coat  :(giggle):

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amaeru (19-04-14)

----------


## amaeru

:(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## purplefan

This poor bloke got fired from his job on the first day.
I wonder why?  :(think):

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Suzi (20-04-14)

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## sidiam

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man:
"You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, I'm usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

Later, after examining his elderly wife, the doctor said:
"Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" She replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her:
"Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know 
why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied."That's because the first time is usually in January and 

the second time is in August

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Suzi (20-04-14)

----------


## Paula

:(giggle):

----------


## purplefan

what do you get when you cross a lemon with a cat?
A sour puss.

----------


## sidiam

AGE IS A WONDERFUL THING But can be a worry!


ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!" 
_____________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE 

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds 
her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in 
my hand can have sex with me tonight!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
 :(rofl):  

_____________________________________ 
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,
"How soon do you need to Know?" 

_____________________________________ 
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" 

_____________________________________
SUPERSEX 
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." 
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." 

_____________________________________ 
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. 
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" 
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

Please!!!! Friends, tell me this won't happen to us !!!!
take care y'all
Sxx

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Amaya (01-05-14)

----------


## rose

LMAO!

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):

----------


## amaeru

:(rofl):

----------


## purplefan

A dog goes into a job center and asks for a job.
The man behind the counter is amazed and says "Your a talking dog"
The dog says Very observant; do you have any Jobs"? 
The man is pleased and says to the dog " Funny but the owner of the circus was in this very morning and wanted people. There is his number and give him a call"
The dog looks at the bit of card and says "I wonder why the circus wold need a plumber"?

----------


## Pen

I can't remember if we have had this one already, if so I apologise.

An elderly man went to the doctor and said "doctor I think my wife is going deaf" the doctor suggested a test to try when he got home to find out.

That evening when he got in he stood in the hall and called out "Marg whats for dinner?"… no reply

So he goes to the kitchen doorway and calls out "Marg whats for dinner?" Still no reply

So he goes over to the cooker where his wife is cooking and says "Marg whats for dinner?"

Angrily she turns to him and says "FOR THE THIRD TIME ITS FISH AND CHIPS!!"

----------


## Pen

Q: What do you call sad coffee?" A: Despresso. 

OK my turn to get my coat…... :(blush):

----------


## purplefan

Did you know that if you cut a horse in half and bang them together, it sounds like two half of coconuts being bashed together.

----------


## Paula

Sad news at the Nestle factory today.  A member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him. He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he shouted 'the Milky Bars are on me' everyone just cheered!!!!!  :(rofl):

----------

amaeru (27-04-14)

----------


## amaeru

:(rofl):

----------


## sidiam

Fanny Green

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,

Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'


 :(giggle):  lol  
take care
Sxx


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

----------

amaeru (28-04-14)

----------


## purplefan

We all know the speed of light.
What's the Speed of dark? 


All those who believe in telekinesis raise my hand. 

I used to have a psychic girlfriend;she left me before we met.

----------


## Paula

:(giggle):

----------


## purplefan

My friend bought me one of them mood rings.
So i thought i'd give it a go.
When i am in a good mood, the ring turns green. when i am in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

----------

Amaya (01-05-14)

----------


## amaeru

:(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## purplefan



----------

Paula (01-05-14)

----------


## sidiam

Two Old Men

TWO OLD  MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND  DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE  TOWN.
AFTER A  FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL  BROTHEL  
THE  MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND  WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO  BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH  BED.  
THESE  TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF  MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE  DIFFERENCE.'  
THE  MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN  GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS  THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN  SAYS,  
'YOU  KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS  DEAD!'  
'DEAD?'  SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY  THAT?'  
'WELL,  SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I  WAS LOVING HER.' 
HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE  WORSE.  I THINK MINE WAS A  WITCH.

''A WITCH ??. . WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU SAY  THAT?'  
'WELL, I  WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK,  AND I GAVE  HER A  LITTLE BITE, 

THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE  WINDOW..... 

take care
Sxx

----------

amaeru (01-05-14),Paula (01-05-14),purplefan (01-05-14),rose (01-05-14),Suzi (01-05-14)

----------


## Westin

Literally laughed out loud at that one!

----------


## purplefan

After sarah76 problems with poor spelling in her Spanish class.
Thought this would cheer everybody up. Hope I do not offend any of our chimes posters.

----------

amaeru (01-05-14),Paula (01-05-14)

----------


## amaeru

:(rofl):

----------


## purplefan

(Giggle)

----------


## purplefan



----------



----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):

----------


## knowlesy

:(rofl):   :(rofl):

----------


## purplefan

I can't believe that Jeremy Clarkson used the "N" word on top gear.

"Nissan"  :Surprised:

----------


## purplefan

The police in Northern Ireland have held sinn fein leader Gerry Adams for a second night.
To be sure to be sure.

----------


## purplefan

The pope has a visit to New York and a limousine is there to pick him up. 
The driver opens the door and the pope asks:"it's been a long time since i have driven a car, would you mind if i drove for a little while"?
The driver rather hesitantly, thinks and says: "i'm not sure i can do that Holy father". "Ho go on, please" replied the pope.
So reluctantly the driver agrees. The pope goes into the driver seat and the chauffeur went in the back.
The pope is really happy and is whistling and driving down the freeway. Unfortunately a traffic cops flashes his lights, and pulls the pope over.  
The cop is stunned to see the pope driving so he radio into control.
:"sarge, he says, Sarge your not going to believe this but ive got someone really important i've stopped and i don't know what to do".
The sarge radios back. :"more important then the mayor"? 
"Much more than that". replies the cop. 
"Who is it then?" replies the serge. "I've no idea said the cope, but he has the pope as his chauffeur.

----------

Suzi (05-05-14)

----------


## amaeru



----------

Paula (13-05-14),purplefan (13-05-14),Suzi (13-05-14)

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):

----------


## purplefan



----------



----------


## sidiam

16.30 Still at MindUp...tired but  :(rofl):  thanks Amaeru..
Sxx

----------


## purplefan

I see in the news today that poor Justin Bieber has been charged with attempted robbery?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-17515305

I'm surprised the chargers we so lenient . He's been murdering songs for years.

----------


## purplefan

Breaking news

The Irish government has sent a crack team of experts to assist in the hunt for the missing school girls.The Algerian government dose not know what to do with them

----------


## purplefan

Oh how I wish I could have spent more time with my granpa. 
Instead of playing football with me mates; I could have been going to the shops for him.
Brought him his fav paper and some sweets. 
If only I had not waisted my time on my computer instead I should have gone round to his and listened to him reminisce about back in the day. I should have spent more time with him.
Sadly today, the old fart has just won the lottery and went off to Spain and left me nothing.

----------


## purplefan

Lollipop ladies. The make me cross.

----------

Watson (17-05-14)

----------


## purplefan

The Nigerian government is offering a £3,000,000 reward for the return of the missing school girls.
To collect it, all you have to do is send in your bank details with your mothers maiden name.

----------


## purplefan

I wish people would leave Gary Barlow alone about this tax thing.

What fever he said what ever he did he didn't mean it.

----------

Watson (17-05-14)

----------


## Paula

This is genius  :): 

Hope it copies ok without causing problems, I had trouble with it but it was worth sticking with

http://astoundable.com/intelevator-e...-humor-prank/#

----------

Amaya (05-06-14)

----------


## purplefan

IF YOU WANT TO PARTY CLAP YOUR HANDS,  :(rofl): 
Classic.

----------

Paula (17-05-14)

----------


## purplefan

So morrissey had joined Twitter. 
Panic in the tweets of London,

----------


## purplefan

washing Done!
Ironing   Done!
shopping Done!
Hoovering  DOne!
Kids in bed  Done!.

Great. Now i can leave the pub and go home.  :(rofl):

----------


## purplefan

since moving in with my son and family. My D.I.L has been moaning that i don't know how to use the washing machine.

"Of course i do" i said: "You put it on an gas mark 6 or something".

----------


## Westin

Always remember there is no _I_ in _insane_. 
Just me.

----------

purplefan (21-05-14)

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## purplefan

whats the difference between God and a lawyer?
God dose not think he is a lawyer.

----------

Paula (18-05-14)

----------


## purplefan



----------

amaeru (19-05-14),Suzi (18-05-14)

----------


## Watson

My mates wife just left him, just up sticks and walked out. She took the satellite dish and all his Bob Marley CD's. Poor bloke.

No woman, no sky.

----------

purplefan (20-05-14)

----------


## Suzi

*Groan*

----------


## purplefan

Did you here about the two TV areal that got married?

The wedding was ok but the reception was terrible.

----------


## purplefan

Found an old oil lamp earlier and a genie appeared. He granted me a wish, so i wished to be made irresistible to women. 
He turned me into a pair of shoes.

----------

Paula (05-06-14)

----------


## purplefan

A new study at Leeds university has suggested that children can learn to love vegetables if you introduce them when they are a baby.
Im not convinced.
Chloe has not stopped screaming since i swapped her teddy bear for a carrot.

----------

Amaya (05-06-14)

----------


## purplefan



----------


## purplefan



----------


## Pen

I got one right…  :(blush):

----------


## Pen

Two little boys, one 7 the other 4 where talking in the bedroom. The 7 year old says "I think we should start swearing, I will go first at breakfast then you" OK says his brother.
The following morning mum asks the older one "what do you want for breakfast"
He replies "Coco Pops Bitch"
WHACK, she hits him so hard he falls off his chair and runs out of the room crying.
She turns to the 4 year old "and what do you want?" she asks
The 4 year old replies "I'm not sure but I certainly don't want f****ng Coco Pops"

----------

purplefan (05-06-14)

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):

----------


## Paula

> 


I'm right brain dominant then, which makes sense cos I'm left handed

----------


## knowlesy

Me too, although I wouldnt say either sides dominant in mine  :O:

----------

Paula (05-06-14)

----------


## purplefan



----------


## purplefan

:(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## Amaya

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/jokes.htm

----------

Paula (05-06-14)

----------


## Pen

Well I was feeling a bit low this evening but this made me splutter and giggle in spite of myself. Thank you EmmyRed.

----------


## amaeru

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl): 
Oh I did laugh reading those. Thanks Emmy x

----------


## amaeru

*Post Turtles*

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was
caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our
leaders.  

The old rancher said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post
Turtles'.'' 

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle'
was. 

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you
come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post
turtle." 

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to
explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there,
he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his
ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up
there to begin with."

----------


## Paula

:(giggle):

----------


## purplefan

This is a bit rude, so apologies in advance if i offend anyone but i think it is ok. 

A couple are lying on the beach after a fantastic sex episode. The woman is panting and watching the stars in the night sky.
"Ho John" she says, "that was the most incredible sex i have ever had" "It was lucky that you had that condom".
John said: "Yes i know, i just fond it over there"  :(rofl):

----------



----------


## Suzi

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww  :(rofl):

----------


## knowlesy

Saw that on naked video when I was 12, still funny though.

----------


## purplefan

Naked video was awesome. Used to listen to naked radio also.

----------


## Suzi

Did you ever see the Naked Jungle Run thing with Keith Chegwin? Something which should come under "horror"..  :O:  

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xr0...how_shortfilms

----------


## purplefan

Thanks Suzi. Afters years of therapy and banging. My head against a wall for 20 years I finally forgot that show. 
TILL NOW  :@:  ho well back to the funny farm  :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

ROFL! *hangs head in shame* Sorry PF x

----------


## purplefan

It was a shocker. Seeing chegwins little tager swinging from side to side. (shudders) wonder what maggie saw in him?
Love is truly in the eye of the beholder. 

Has to be the worst show ever! Apart from East Enders of course.

----------

Suzi (08-06-14)

----------


## Paula

You mean eastenders isn't a documentary ?  :Surprised:

----------


## Suzi

Hang on I missed that... Eastenders? But that's true and everything in it happens exactly as they say? Fly on the wall documentary I thought... All these years and now you are telling me it's not real...

----------


## purplefan

You women and your soaps. 
I remember when Corry was good. when Alan went under the tram at Blackpool. 
I remember when Emmerdale was called Emmerdale farm and was set in Beckensdale. Remember Annie sugdon and her husband was found in the potting shed first episode? 
I remember the best soap EVER! Albion market.

----------


## Paula

Never watched any of them. I do not feel I've missed out  :O:

----------


## amaeru

Me either Paula  :(nod):

----------


## Pen

I know a man who drinks brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime...

----------


## purplefan

Funny cause a set of jump leads walked into a bar and the barman said:" ill serve you, but don't start anything" 

Then a sandwich walked in and the barman said"Sorry we don't serve food in here".

----------


## purplefan



----------


## purplefan



----------



----------


## Suzi

Brilliant! lol

----------


## Paula



----------

purplefan (10-06-14)

----------


## purplefan



----------


## purplefan



----------

Paula (10-06-14)

----------


## purplefan

sorry, just realized the web site the joke was advertising was rude. oops  :(rofl):

----------


## Pen

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt there after. 
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with humour: No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving... on the other side???

----------

amaeru (13-06-14)

----------


## amaeru

:(rofl):

----------


## purplefan

Have you heard of the new movie "constipation"? That because it's not out yet.

----------

Suzi (14-06-14)

----------


## purplefan

So in the news today: There is massive over crowding in jails in England and Wales.
The answer is simple.
Release all the innocent people.

----------

Amaya (16-06-14)

----------


## purplefan

I'm going to write a book about dream interpretation. 
The title is called: you eaten too much cheese". 


I had an out of body experience last night.
When it happened. I was beside myself.

----------


## knowlesy

Saw this today, made me giggle;  not exactly a joke but.......

https://www.google.com/url?q=http://...JBkeiVb432BVpA

----------

Miss Molly (28-06-14),Paula (16-06-14)

----------


## purplefan

:(rofl):  good old buzz.

----------


## amaeru

:(rofl):  - do you think Buzz has been watching 'American Pie'?  :O:

----------


## purplefan

I would like to wish everybody a happy new year! 

Sorry, I do suffer from premature congratulations.

----------

Paula (22-06-14),Suzi (22-06-14)

----------


## purplefan

I was dusting the attic with the wife last night. 
Filthy, dirty, covered in cobwebs. Still, she is good with the kids.  :(rofl):

----------


## purplefan

I got the wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It's not her main present. Just a stocking filler

----------


## purplefan

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

----------


## amaeru

:(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):   :(rofl):

----------


## amaeru



----------


## purplefan

Subject: Senior Citizen trying to set his Windows password


WINDOWS: Please enter your new password: 


USER: “cabbage” 


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. 


USER: “boiled cabbage” 


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. 


USER: “1 boiled cabbage” 


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. 


USER: “50bloodyboiledcabbages” 


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. 


USER: “50BLOODYboiledcabbages” 


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively. 


USER: “50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGi  veMeAccessNow!” 


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. 


USER: “Really :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: edOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon  tGiveMeAccessNow” 


WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

----------

Suzi (29-06-14)

----------


## amaeru

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl): 

How did you guess my password PF?  :O:  :O:

----------


## purplefan

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why do we buy hamburgers in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.. 

Why can't women  put on mascara with their mouth closed? 

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

----------

amaeru (30-06-14)

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):  have you tried putting on mascara? No one can put it on with their mouth shut!

----------


## purplefan

Actually I have. But that story is for another day.

----------

amaeru (30-06-14),Amaya (30-06-14),Paula (30-06-14)

----------


## amaeru

:(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## purplefan

My nose is so tiny and wee I sometimes think the pixies gave it to me.

----------


## purplefan

http://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=s...qbf7X-cUh9Ul0Q


This is not a joke but it made me smile. The dog is brilliant. Please watch.

----------


## amaeru

*Laws*

*1.Law of Mechanical Repair* - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

*2.Law of Gravity* - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

*3.Law of Probability* - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

*4.Law of Random Numbers* - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

*5.Variation Law* - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

*6.Law of the Bath* - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

*7.Law of Close Encounters* - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

*8.Law of the Result* - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!!!

*9.Law of Biomechanics* - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

* 10. Law of the Theatre or Sports Arena* - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

*11.The Coffee Law* - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

*12.Murphy's Law of Lockers* - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

*13.Law of Physical Surfaces -* The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

*14.Law of Logical Argument* - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

* 15. Law of Physical Appearance* - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

*16.Law of Public Speaking* – A closed mouth gathers no feet.


*17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy*  - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

*18.Doctors' Law* - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

----------

purplefan (09-07-14)

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):

----------


## purplefan

:(rofl):  just saw that.

The Brazilian goalkeepers wife phoned him to see what time he wold be coming home.
He said: "I'll be home before 8.

----------


## purplefan

Why don't you hear people getting only 5months to live?

----------


## purplefan

Funny Stupid Questions to Ask People
What happens when you get 'half scared to death' twice?
Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
If all the world's a stage, where does the audience sit?
It it's tourist season why can't we shoot them?
Why are the alphabets in the order that they are? Is it because it's a song?
If you write a book about failure, and it doesn't sell, is it called success?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If work is so terrific, how come you get paid for it?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the others drown too?
Are the good things that come to people who wait, the leftovers of people who went before them?
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality comes from morons?
Why aren't blueberries blue?
Why is Greenland called Greenland, when it's white and covered with ice?
Stupid Questions to Ask Someone
Why is the word for "a fear of long words," hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, so long?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
What if Batman gets bitten by a vampire?
Did the Mayans get bored after reaching 2012 or is the predication for real?
Can we spell creativity however we want?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Where are all the mentally handicapped parking spaces for people like me?
Has your mate ever called you at work to ask where the remote control is?
Was the person who invented the Express Lane at the grocery store properly thanked?
Why don't you ever see ads for advertising companies?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear?
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?
Stupid Questions to Ask Your Friends
If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?
You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to people that work nights?
Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?
Why do all the superheroes wear underpants on the outside?
If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?
If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, "I wish you would not grant me this wish" what would you do?
Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
Do pyromaniacs wear blazers?
If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
When something is funny why is it called a "knee-slapper" when you actually slap your thigh?
Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

----------

Suzi (10-07-14)

----------


## amaeru

:(rofl):

----------


## amaeru

*Dictionary Definition*

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between the words "complete" and "finished."
 However, during a recent language conference, held in London and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was  asked to make that very distinction.

The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: “Some say there is no difference between ‘complete’ and‘finished.’ Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.”

Mr. Balgobin’s response: “When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’ If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’ And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ‘completely finished.’”

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.

----------

Paula (11-07-14),purplefan (10-07-14),Suzi (10-07-14)

----------


## purplefan

Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist? 
They fought tooth and nail. 

Police were called to a nursery where a 3 year old was resisting a rest. 

Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?  He is now fully recovered. 

When I was a little lad I had a photographic memory, but I lost the ability to use it as later on it was never fully developed. 

Did you here about the man who was a big mouth who was getting too big for his pants? 
He was exposed in the end.

----------

amaeru (15-07-14)

----------


## amaeru

*The blonde flight attendant and the lawyer*

 A lawyer boarded an aeroplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.  

 She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. 

He  advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a  lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let  them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.  

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

---------------

There are two lessons here:

  1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

  2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

----------


## amaeru

*Gentle thoughts for today*


Birds of a feather flock together...                
and then  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  on your car.


A penny saved is a                   
Government oversight.


The older you get, the tougher                     
It is to lose weight, because by                    
Then your body and your fat have become really good friends.


The easiest way to find                     
Something lost around the                    
House is to buy a replacement...


He who hesitates is probably right.


Did you ever notice: The Roman                    
Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'.


The sole purpose of a child's                    
Middle name is so he can                    
Tell when he's really in trouble.


Aging: Eventually you will                    
Reach a point when you stop                    
Lying about your age and                    
Start bragging about it.


Some people try to turn back                    
Their odometers. Not me, I want                    
People to know 'why' I look this                    
Way. I've traveled a long way and                    
Some of the roads weren't paved.


When you are dissatisfied and                    
Would like to go back to your                    
Youth, think of Algebra.


You know you are getting                    
Old when everything either                    
Dries up or leaks.


One of the many things no                    
One tells you about aging                    
Is that it is such a nice change                    
From being young. Ah, being                    
Young is beautiful, but being                    
Old is comfortable.

----------

Paula (15-07-14)

----------


## amaeru

*A ride*

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. 

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, ...yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms round his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

----------

Suzi (16-07-14)

----------


## purplefan



----------


## amaeru

*Children's logic*

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby
sister... After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one for cold milk?' 


STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom
good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside
my bedroom window.' 


BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the
lid off the bottle.  Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a
child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the
little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'


SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she
got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes
my teeth cough..'


DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom
scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'


CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was
troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I
get married.  How will my wife fit in it?'


MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a
restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he
whispering in her mouth?'


TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled
woman her Mom knew. Tammy  looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why
doesn't your skin fit your face?'


JAMES (age 4)was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot
was warned to take his wife`and flee out of the city but his wife looked
back and was turned to salt.'  Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to
the flea?'

Kids say the darnest things.....

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget... 

This particular Sunday sermon....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms
extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you,
we are but dust...'  He would have continued but at that moment my very
obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly
in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## purplefan

What do you call a sleepwalking priest? 
A roaming catholic. 

I met a fantastic Dutch woman last week who wore inflatable shoes. But when I phoned her up on a date she had popped her clogs.

----------


## purplefan

A blond phones up for a pizza. The guy asks her if she would like it cut into 6 or 8 slices? 
The blond replayed better make it 6 as I don't think I can manage 8.

----------

Paula (24-07-14),Suzi (25-07-14)

----------


## amaeru

Yes I admit it - I've been looking at picture of cats on the internet again  :(blush):  :O:

----------


## purplefan

:(rofl):  I'm going to steal that.

----------


## purplefan

Breaking news. 

Plane crash investigators have discovered the Malaysian plane shot down in the Ukraine last week was carrying a lot 
Of woman's rights activists. 

They discovered fragments of a attention seeking missile.

----------


## amaeru

:(rofl):  :O:

----------


## purplefan

Comedienne and former psychiatric nurse Joe brand has claimed shows like the X factor and Britain got talent 
Are exploiting people with mental health problems.

The viewers mainly.

----------

amaeru (27-07-14)

----------


## purplefan

What's the difference between Brazil football team and Oscar Pistorious? 

Oscar Pistorious has a better defence and more shots on target.

----------



----------


## purplefan



----------


## purplefan



----------

amaeru (07-08-14)

----------


## amaeru

:(rofl):

----------


## amaeru

*Intelligent Kids*

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids) 

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. 
-- Alan, age 10 

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. 
-- Kristen, age 10 

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? 
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. 
-- Camille, age 10 

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? 
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. 
-- Derrick, age 8 

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? 
Both don't want any more kids. 
-- Lori, age 8 

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? 
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. 
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. 
-- Martin, age 10 

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? 
-When they're rich. 
-- Pam, age 7 

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. 
- - Curt, age 7 

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. 
- - Howard, age 8 


7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? 
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.
Boys need someone to clean up after them. 
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child ) 

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? 
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain,wouldn't there? 
-- Kelvin, age 8 

And the #1 Favorite is....... 

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? 
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

-- Ricky, age 10

----------



----------


## Amaya

RIP Robin Williams
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiCxqbT2Ru8

----------

amaeru (13-08-14)

----------


## Suzi

> RIP Robin Williams
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiCxqbT2Ru8


Not sure what that was meant to be, but the video has been removed.

----------


## amaeru

*Doctor*

A man goes to the doctors. He said, "Doc, I can't stop buying raffle
tickets drawn from a hat." The doctor's eyes widened, "I'm sorry Mr
Jones we'll need to put you in an isolation unit straight away." "Why's
that doc?" stuttered the man. "I'm afraid you've got the British strain
of a highly contagious virus." Replied the doctor donning a mask. "What
is it doc?" gulped the man. "Tombola." said the doctor.

----------


## amaeru

*The raise*

*
Employee:*
Excuse  me sir, may I talk to you?

*Boss:*
Sure,  come on in… What can I do for  you?

*Employee:*
Well  sir, as you know, I have been an employee of  this prestigious firm for over ten  years.

*Boss:*
Yes. 


*Employee:*
I  won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a  raise. 
I  currently have four  companies after me and so I decided
to talk to you first.

*Boss:*
A  raise? I would love to give you a raise, but  this is just not the right time. 

*Employee:*
I  understand your position, and I know that the  current economic down turn has had a negative  impact on sales, 
But you  must also take into consideration my hard work,  pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for  over a decade.

*Boss:*
Taking  into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing  to offer you a ten per cent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does  that sound?

* 
Employee:*
Great!  It's a deal. Thank you, sir!

*Boss:*
Before  you go, just out of curiosity, what companies  are after you? 

*Employee:*
Oh, the  Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and  the Mortgage Company!

----------

Amaya (02-09-14),rose (15-08-14),Suzi (15-08-14)

----------


## amaeru

*The importance of an occupation during retirement*

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

 Harold Schlumberg is such an one:







THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:

 "I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?' "

 "Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine. It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

 Harold is an inspiration to us all !!!

----------


## amaeru



----------


## amaeru

*Home Schooled*
*
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.*
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

*2. My mother taught me RELIGION.*
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
*
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.*
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

*4. My father taught me LOGIC.*
" Because I said so, that's why."

*5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.*
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
*
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.*
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
*
7. My father taught me IRONY.*
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
*
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.*
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

*9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.*
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"
*
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.*
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

*11 My mother taught me about WEATHER*.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

*12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.*
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

*13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.*
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

*14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.*
"Stop acting like your father!"

*15. My mother taught me about ENVY.*
"There are millions of less fortunate children in ‎this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
*
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.*
"Just wait until we get home."

*17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.*
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

*18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.*
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

*19. My mother taught me ESP.*
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
*
20. My father taught me HUMOUR.*
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
*
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.*
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
*
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.*
"You're just like your father."

*23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.*
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

*24. My mother taught me WISDOM.*
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
*
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE.*

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

----------


## purplefan

I am thinking of selling my hoover. Well, it just collecting dust.

----------


## rose

HAHAHA Tim Vine fan  :O:

----------


## purplefan

People laugh at Tim 
Which is good; he is a comedian.

----------


## purplefan

A dealingwithdeprsssion administrator got a letter through the door with 
"Do not bend" written on the envelope.
The spent the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.  :(giggle):

----------

amaeru (21-08-14),Paula (21-08-14),rose (21-08-14)

----------


## amaeru

:(rofl): 
Hope you've got a good hiding place PF  :O:

----------

Paula (21-08-14)

----------


## Suzi

> A dealingwithdeprsssion administrator got a letter through the door with 
> "Do not bend" written on the envelope.
> The spent the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.


Ahh that's easy, get the kids to wriggle along the floor like worms! You are cheeky sir!  :):

----------


## purplefan

Amaeru  went to the butchers to buy knowlesy his tea. 
The but her said to her. "I'll bet you £10.00 if you can reach that bit of meat on the shelf"? 
Amaeru replied "I'm not taking the bet" the butcher said "why not"? 
Amaeru said "the steaks are too high "  :(giggle):

----------

Paula (22-08-14)

----------


## Suzi

lol!!!

----------


## Tallbloke40

I went to the shops yesterday and bought two litres of Tippex.  Big mistake.

----------

Paula (22-08-14),purplefan (22-08-14),Suzi (22-08-14)

----------


## amaeru

:(giggle):

----------


## purplefan

That made me laugh. 
Why did the number six feel scared? 
Because 7, 8,9

----------


## purplefan

Wacky Races - Dick Dastardly run over - compilati…: http://youtu.be/SUQg07Jf9XM

This will give you the giggles

----------


## Tallbloke40

What is red and looks like a bucket?  A red bucket

What is blue and looks like a bucket?  A red bucket in disguise

----------

Suzi (24-08-14)

----------


## purplefan

A lion was having a dump in the jungle when a little rabbit hops over and takes a dump also.
"Morning mr rabbit " said the lion. "Tell me, do you have trouble with poo sticking to your fur"?
"No" replies the rabbit.  "Good" said the loin who proced to pick up the rabbit and wipes his ares with him.

----------


## purplefan

What is yellow and swings from tree to tree? 
Tarzepan  :(giggle):

----------

Paula (25-08-14)

----------


## purplefan

I challenge the people on the titanic to the ice bucket challenge

----------


## amaeru

What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, *bang bang,* clippety-clop clippety-clop...?

An Amish drive by 
 :O:

----------


## purplefan



----------


## Tallbloke40

Two TV aerials attached to neighbouring roofs got married.  The wedding service was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

----------

Suzi (01-09-14)

----------


## purplefan

Guy went to the doctors for a check up  Doctor told him to stick his toung out the window. 
Rather surprised at this he asked the doctor if the natural sunlight will help him see better? 
No said the doctor. I just dont like the greengrocer across the road.

----------

Suzi (02-09-14)

----------


## Amaya

> Not sure what that was meant to be, but the video has been removed.


It was one of his standup routines..

----------


## purplefan

I wanted a kebab so I phoned up my local takeaway
I phoned up and said: do you deliver? He said NO MATE
We only do lamb or chicken.

----------


## john d

Apparently if you crush up a viagra tablet and rub it in your eyes it makes you look real hard!

----------

Pen (06-09-14),purplefan (02-10-14)

----------


## purplefan

I got one stuck in my throat.  Ended up with a stiff neck. 

Ill get my coat.

----------



----------


## purplefan

Why did half a chicken cross the road? 
To get to his other side.

Why did the punk rocker cross the road? 
Because he was stalled to the chicken.

----------

Paula (23-09-14),Suzi (23-09-14)

----------


## Amaya

Great use of a textbook:
http://i.imgur.com/6dcAQDv.png

Another textbook (Physics), but this time it's the writers with a sense of humour:
http://i.imgur.com/FAQbdnQ.jpg

----------


## Amaya

Spot what's wrong with this advertising technique:
http://i.imgur.com/isR6N9E.jpg

----------

Paula (01-10-14)

----------


## Suzi

ROFL, My husband has alopecia and he was always told to use head and shoulders as it has added zinc and is really good to make hair and nails stronger  :O:

----------

Amaya (02-10-14)

----------


## Noel

I had to sell my hoover the other day , .... yeah it was just collecting dust .

----------

purplefan (03-10-14)

----------


## Noel

The pope was visiting a small village , his cheaffer was driving him there along a country road . The pope asked the cheaffer if he could 
have a go at driving as he had never driven a rolls royce before . So the pope gets behind the wheel and puts his foot down . All of a sudden
a police car stops them . As the policeman gets to the car his jaw hits the floor and he starts panicking and appoligises and lets them on their 
way . So he radios through to the police station and tells the chief that someone Really Important is on their way in to town .
The chief asks " Is it the head of scotland yard ? "   NO   , " Is it the prime minister? "  NO   " Is it the Queen ?"  No this person is much more 
important ,  " Well Who Is It ?"      .    I Don't Know but the Pope is driving him ...         ( sorry for spelling )

----------

purplefan (03-10-14)

----------


## john d

I hear Spandau Ballet have a single out.is it "True"

----------



----------


## purplefan

I fell down the stairs with my guitar today.  I accidently wrote a one direction song.

----------

Aspasia (26-10-14)

----------


## john d

How do you know when a drummers knocking at your door?
The knock speeds up

----------



----------


## purplefan

What do you call a guy who hangs around with musicians all day?
A drummer.

----------


## purplefan

The seven dwarfs are working in the mind when there is a huge cave in and they all get trapped.
Snow White runs down to the mine in a panic and is really worried.  
She is crying and shaking,  is anyone alive she is screaming. Can someone here me? 
Just then, she hears a voice singing. Manchester United will win the league. 
And with a relief she sighs.  Thank God, dopey is still alive.

----------

Suzi (04-10-14)

----------


## purplefan

A guy goes to the dentist, and the dentist said: "say ah".
The guy said "why"? And the dentist replied.  "My dog has just died".

----------


## purplefan

I hear two easy jet plains have crashed.
Now easy jet have added a "crash experience" charge.

----------


## purplefan

How do you get 4 popes in a mini?  Take their hats off.

No I don't get it either.

----------


## purplefan



----------



----------


## purplefan



----------

Paula (17-10-14),Suzi (17-10-14)

----------


## Noel

> How do you get 4 popes in a mini?  Take their hats off.
> 
> No I don't get it either.


I think it refers to the tall hat the pope wears sometimes . :):   lol .

----------


## purplefan

The perfect marriage  :(rofl):

----------


## magie06

My  8 year old's favourite joke at the moment..

why did the skeleton not go to the dance?
because he had no Body to go with.

----------


## purplefan

> My  8 year old's favourite joke at the moment..
> 
> why did the skeleton not go to the dance?
> because he had no Body to go with.


  :(rofl): 

my chloe likes this one. 
Why did half the chicken cross the road? To get to his other side.

----------


## purplefan

one for the men

If your dog is barking at the back door to get in, and your wife is shouting at the front door to get in. Witch one do you let in first?
The dog of course.  He shuts up once he is in the house.  :(rofl): 

Runs from thread.

----------



----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  That made me giggle!

----------


## purplefan



----------

Amaya (05-11-14),Aspasia (26-10-14)

----------


## purplefan



----------

Paula (28-10-14)

----------


## Suzi

Yes, nearly always..  :O:

----------

Aspasia (29-10-14)

----------


## purplefan

Why did the skeleton not go to the dance? 
Because he had no body to go with. 

It's chloe's favourite joke.  :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

OO she might like this one. 

If you have a mummy vampire and a daddy snowman what would you call their baby? 
Frostbite!

----------


## purplefan

Two women sitting quietly.   :(rofl):

----------



----------


## Suzi

Skating on thin ice this morning there PF?  :(rofl):

----------

Paula (01-11-14)

----------


## Aspasia

As told to me by a student this morning:

What do you call a dinosaur crossed with a dictionary?
A Thesaurus.

----------

purplefan (01-11-14),Suzi (01-11-14)

----------


## purplefan

What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? 
Do you think he sawr us. 

I'll get my coat.

----------

Paula (01-11-14)

----------


## Noel

What do you get when you cross a dinasaur with one eye and a dog ?

A do ya think he saurus rex ..       :O:

----------

purplefan (02-11-14)

----------


## purplefan

A woman who could not stop stealing goes to the doctor for help.
The poor woman is frantic. "I've already stolen stuff from boots and poundstreachers, coming to my appointment,  I can't stop".
Doctor sa8d: " don't worry take these tablets 3 times a day and come and see me next week". 
The woman says. "Thank you doctor; what if they don't work"? 
The doctor said: "can you pick me up a 52 inch TV then".

----------

Aspasia (06-11-14),Paula (05-11-14)

----------


## purplefan



----------

Amaya (10-11-14),Suzi (08-11-14)

----------


## Mira

funny: She's My Wife 

One of the guests turned to a man by his side to criticize the singing of the woman who was trying to entertain them. 
"What a terrible voice! Do you know who she is ?" 
"Yes", was the answer. "She's my wife"
"Oh, I beg your pardon. Of course, it isn't her voice, really. It's the stuff she has to sing. I wonder who wrote that awful song ?" 
"I did", was the answer.

----------

Paula (27-11-14),purplefan (02-12-14),Suzi (27-11-14)

----------


## Paula

:(giggle):

----------


## S deleted

Little Johnny asks his mother her age.

She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.

On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"

----------



----------


## purplefan

The Leyton orient chairman was in tescos doing his shopping when he sees an old lady struggling to put her shopping into her car.
Being a gentleman he walks over and asked her: "can you manage love"?
"$@# off" she replied.  "I don't want to manage that rotten club".

----------

S deleted (05-12-14)

----------


## The_Scientist

Did you hear the one about the 3 holes filled with water? No? Well, well, well...

----------


## new2015

God the endless rhetorical questions, something im sure most people can relate to...

So youre at the pub:
You: ''Are you a psychologist?''
Stanger: ''Well now, why do you ask that question?''
You: ''Oh yep, you are''

----------


## Tallbloke40

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

----------

S deleted (01-03-15)

----------


## purplefan

A woman goes to the doctors cause she can't stop stealing things.
The doctor says:" take these tablets for a month and come back when you finish"
The woman asks" but what happens if the tablets don't work"?
The doctor says" could you get me a 60 inch smart tv".

----------

Amaya (05-03-15),S deleted (01-03-15)

----------


## S deleted

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

----------


## S deleted

Some people are very much like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you shove them down the stairs.

----------

Paula (01-03-15)

----------


## S deleted

Finding a man worth dating is like using a public toilet. They are either, vacant, engaged or just full of  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:

----------


## S deleted

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

----------



----------


## S deleted

I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

----------


## S deleted

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh

----------


## S deleted

Two tigers in Asda. One turned to the other and says 'it's quiet in here'

----------


## Suzi

Lol...

----------


## purplefan

My bank has started sending me text messages to tell me what my balance is.
It's cool but I don't think they should be putting LOL at the end.

----------

Amaya (05-03-15),Paula (03-03-15),S deleted (04-03-15)

----------


## The_Scientist

an invisible man and invisible woman got married. their kids weren't much to look at

----------

S deleted (04-03-15)

----------


## The_Scientist

how many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? ten tickles

----------



----------


## new2015

> My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.


ahhahahahaaaaaaa I think you just made my day, thank you

----------

S deleted (06-03-15)

----------


## S deleted

Sex - Isn't that what people from Kensington keep potatoes in?

----------


## purplefan

5 out of 4 people are bad at maths.

----------

S deleted (05-03-15)

----------


## purplefan

What do the letters D. N. A stand for?
National dyslexic Association.

----------

S deleted (06-03-15)

----------


## purplefan

Two Dwd mods were having  chat on a thread one said to the other. "I see Christmas falls on a Friday this years"
The other mods replys.  " well I hope it don't fall on the 13th.   :(rofl): 

I shall leave it to you to work out witch ones.  :(call):  .

----------


## Suzi

ROFL..... Skating on thin ice there..

----------


## Paula

It's not often you've all seen my angry face  :@:

----------


## S deleted

pmsl, that is a comedy genius moment PF.

----------


## S deleted

Two DWD mods sat on the floor. One fell off.

----------


## Suzi

ooo Whatcha saying about my balance?  :(rofl):

----------


## Hugo-agogo

A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew walk into a bar......what a fine example of an integrated community  :(whew):   :(giggle):

----------

purplefan (18-03-15)

----------


## magie06

Knock knock, 
who's there? 
Banana,
banana who, 
knock knock,
who's there?
banana
banana who 
Knock knock,
who's there? 
Orange 
orange who,
orange you glad I didn't say banana?

----------

S deleted (14-03-15)

----------


## Hugo-agogo

"I decided to sell my hoover... well it was just collecting dust"
Tim Vine

----------

purplefan (18-03-15),S deleted (14-03-15)

----------


## Hugo-agogo

"I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified like his passengers"

"I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 76 so it's no distance"

"They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian... they're not laughing now"

Bob Monkhouse.

----------


## S deleted

I went to a binocular shop. They saw me coming.

----------


## S deleted

I love local jokes. They're right up my street.

----------


## S deleted

Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn't tried wiping their bum with an iPad.

----------

purplefan (18-03-15)

----------


## purplefan

It's about all that an I pad is good for.   :(rofl): 


> Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn't tried wiping their bum with an iPad.

----------


## purplefan

A man goes to a doctor's and the doctor told the man to stick his tounge out the window. 
"Why" replied the man. Will it make you see better"?.
"No" said the doctor. "I just don't like the greengrocer across the road".

----------

Suzi (18-03-15)

----------


## purplefan

You know those joke candles that goes out and back on when you blow them? 
Well the factory that makes them went up in flames.

----------


## purplefan

I was walking past a newsagents and noticed a bit of card in the windows that read.
For sale. 
TV. £10 sound button broken. 
I though; that's a good deal, I can't turn that down.

----------

S deleted (19-03-15)

----------


## purplefan

Did you know that my sister used to be a dancer? 
yes, she used to spin on her right leg and Pirouette on her left leg. Between the two she made a living. 


Last night i got attacked by the grim reaper, So i picked up a hoover and hit him with it.
I was Dyson with death.  


crime on multi story car parks. that's wrong on so many levels.

----------

Paula (25-03-15)

----------


## S deleted

A blind man walked into a bar....


....and a table, and a chair.

----------


## purplefan

A sandwich walked into a bar and the bar man said: "sorry we don't serve food in here"

----------

S deleted (25-03-15)

----------


## purplefan

why did half the chicken cross the road?
To get to his other side.

----------


## purplefan

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a gorilla? 
I don't know, but if he asks for a cracker give it to him.

----------

Paula (27-03-15),S deleted (28-03-15)

----------


## S deleted

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

----------

Pen (28-03-15),purplefan (29-03-15)

----------


## S deleted

Since having a neck brace fitted i've never looked back

----------

Pen (28-03-15)

----------


## S deleted

Im very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

----------

Paula (29-03-15),Pen (28-03-15),purplefan (29-03-15)

----------


## S deleted

Hug your enemies. Then you'll know how big to dig the holes in the back yard.

----------

Pen (28-03-15)

----------


## purplefan

When I die, I want to go peacefully and quietly in in my sleep like my dad.
Not screaming and shouting like his passengers.

----------


## Pen

A programmer’s wife asks him to pick up a loaf of bread and, if they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread.

----------

S deleted (11-04-15)

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## Pen

Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” Helium doesn’t react.

----------

Paula (11-04-15),S deleted (11-04-15)

----------


## S deleted

An old man came up to me at the cash machine and asked me to help him check his balance ... so i pushed him over.

----------

purplefan (16-04-15)

----------


## S deleted

A man shows up late for work. His boss yells, "You should have been here at 8.30!" The man replies, "Why? What happened at 8.30?"

----------

Suzi (12-04-15)

----------


## purplefan

An Elephant walks into a bar, and walks over to the pianist and starts to cry.
The pianist asks" do you recognize the song"  The Elephant replies "No, i recognize the ivory".

----------

S deleted (13-04-15)

----------


## S deleted

A dyslexic guy walked into a bra....

----------


## purplefan

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse.

----------


## purplefan

My gay dyslexic friend was really disappointed this year; he though February the 14 was Vaseline day.

----------


## S deleted

My mate bet me £50 I couldn't build a car out of pasta. You should've seen her face when I drove pasta

----------


## S deleted

I went to the zoo the other day and only amimal there was a small dog. It was a shih-tzu

----------


## purplefan

I'm not one for buoyancy but whatever floats your boat.

----------


## purplefan

Last night i was cleaning the attic with the wife.
Filthy, dirty, covered in cobwebs.  Still shes good with the kids.  :(rofl):

----------

S deleted (21-04-15)

----------


## purplefan

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear. :(rofl):

----------

Amaya (27-04-15),S deleted (03-05-15)

----------


## purplefan

As a youngster my mother was always trying to encourage me.
She would say things like "son, if you put your mind to it you can achieve anything you want; the skies the limit"
I was really upset at this, as i wanted to be an astronaut.

----------


## purplefan

A man walks into a butchers and asks for a sirloin steak.
The Butcher says: "Ill bet you £50.00 you cant reach that bit of meat on the top shelf there".
The man replies: "Sorry, im not taking the bet".
"Why not" replies the butcher.
"The steaks are too high" replies the man. 

Sorry, ill get my coat!

----------


## purplefan

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

----------


## purplefan

From real 911 calls in the U.S.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband! :(rofl): 

What is your emergency? Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich . Dispatcher: Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher: Was anything else taken? Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!

----------


## purplefan

I knocked on the door of a guy and he said;"i'd like to introduce you to my wife and sister" 
There was only one woman standing there!.

----------


## purplefan

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be different from this one?

----------


## purplefan

I'm not saying suzi's a bad cook, but she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.  :(rofl):

----------


## purplefan

Where do the homeless have 90% of their accidents?

----------


## S deleted

> I'm not saying suzi's a bad cook, but she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.


Dude, thats my trick not Suzi, lol'

----------


## purplefan

what is a geriatric? 
A German who scores three goals.  
 ill get my coat.

----------


## purplefan

If it weren't for marriage husbands and wives would have to fight with strangers.

----------


## purplefan

I have so many holes in my socks i can put them on 17 different ways.

----------

Suzi (10-06-15)

----------


## S deleted

a copper knocked on my door earlier and said I could be in trouble as my dog had just chased a man on his bike
That can't be right I said, my dog hasn't got a bike

----------


## purplefan

A policeman knocks on a door and there is a little kid about 9 years old standing there. he has his dads dressing gown on, a cigar in one hand, and a blond in each arm. 
The policeman looks at him and asks. "is you parents at home sunny"? The little lad replies. "what do you think"?

----------


## Hugo-agogo

https://youtu.be/6UepI8W6pq4

----------

purplefan (23-06-15)

----------


## purplefan

I said to the chef, 'Why have you got your hand in the alphabet soup?' He said, 'I'm groping for words!'

----------


## matt

What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

----------


## purplefan

What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? A: Denis.

----------


## S deleted

What is hot and runny?
Usain Balti.

----------


## S deleted

What does a clock do when it's hungry?
It goes back 4 seconds

----------


## purplefan

> What does a clock do when it's hungry?
> It goes back 4 seconds


Penny just dropped after days of staring at it. Very good.

----------


## purplefan

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.

----------


## purplefan

Best joke voted at the Edinburgh festive. 
I have just deleted all my German contacts from my phone. 
I am now Hans free.  :(rofl):

----------

S deleted (02-09-15)

----------


## purplefan

What's the difference  between a BT engineer and a monkey?
Monkey has more brains.

----------


## purplefan



----------


## S deleted

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

----------

OldMike (24-11-15),purplefan (29-10-15)

----------


## S deleted

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

----------


## S deleted

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

----------


## S deleted



----------

magie06 (05-11-15),OldMike (29-11-15)

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):

----------


## S deleted

A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat.
The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."

----------

Amaya (03-12-15),purplefan (29-10-15)

----------


## purplefan

A man goes to the dentis and says "Dentist, dentist i have yellow teath"
Dentist replys: "thats easy, wear a brown tie".
Boom boom. 


What do you say to someone who studied media studies at university?
"can i have fries with that please".

----------

selena (05-11-15)

----------


## purplefan

Woody allen.

I really love my Gold watch that i got from my Father; he sold it to me on his death bed"

----------


## Pen

Scared the postman today by going to the door stark naked

I'm not sure what scared him more, me being naked, or me knowing where he lived.

----------

Amaya (03-12-15),Paula (20-11-15),purplefan (22-11-15),S deleted (20-11-15)

----------


## OldMike

Why is _abbreviation_ such a long word!!?

----------


## OldMike

Considering the weather today this popped into my mind.

Doctor I'm suffering from wind, so he gave me a kite.

----------

Pen (29-11-15),purplefan (29-11-15)

----------


## purplefan

A man goes to the doctors with a sore arse. "ive got a sore arse" he tells the doctor, so the doctor tells him to take his trousers down so he could have a look.
"No wonder your arse is sore" said the doctor> "You have a mince pie stuck up there"!!
"Really"!! exclaimed the man  "Can you do anything for me"? yes" Said the doctor. "I can give you some ream for it".

----------


## purplefan

Police in London found a 20 year old dead Chelsea fan on the embankment. He was wearing a blond wig; fishnet stockings suspenders, and a leather mini skirt and high heels. he was also wearing a  chelsea shirt. Police removed the chelsea shirt so save his family for embarrassment.

----------

OldMike (07-12-15)

----------


## purplefan

A little lad was up before the children's court and the judge was asking him.
"Do you want to live with your mother"?
The little lad replies, "no, mother beats me". 
The the judge said. "Well do you want to live with your father"? 
Little lad replies. ""no, father beats me".
The judge says "well, who do you want to live with"?
The little lad says. "Chelsea, They don't beat no one".

----------


## OldMike

Two gold fish are in a tank.

One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”

----------

purplefan (07-12-15)

----------


## OldMike

The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."

----------

purplefan (08-12-15)

----------


## purplefan

Did you here about the Irish Turkey?
Hes looking forward to christmas. 


Ill get my coat.

----------


## OldMike

What about the Irish video recorder!
Records stuff you don't like and plays it back when you're out.

----------


## purplefan

How dose Good king Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep pan; crisp and even.

----------

OldMike (08-12-15)

----------


## purplefan

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.

----------

OldMike (14-12-15)

----------


## purplefan

How many tickles dose it take to make an octopus laugh?
ten ticles.

----------

OldMike (28-01-16),Suzi (27-12-15)

----------


## purplefan

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

----------

OldMike (31-12-15)

----------


## purplefan

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartenders asks "why so glum"? the man replys "well my girlfriend has just left me".
"Ho no" said the bar tender that's awful".  "can i ask why"?
The man said "well, she got fed up cause i kept on using her tooth brush".  Bar tender said  thats a bit of a flimsy excuse to leave some one for".
"I know said  the man"  "But you tell me of a better way of removing sh1t from your shoes and ill use it"

----------

OldMike (21-01-16)

----------


## purplefan

Did you hear about the latest birth control pill for men? You take it the day after. It changes your blood type.

----------


## OldMike

Did you hear about the latest birth control pill for women it's made from a massive lump of granite you roll it across the bedroom door so hubby can't get in.

----------

purplefan (28-01-16)

----------


## purplefan

What is a girl from woking favorite color? Glitter!! :(rofl):

----------

OldMike (28-01-16)

----------


## purplefan

I saw a transvestite in a mini skirt at the weekend.
I thought, that shows a lot of balls.

----------


## OldMike

> I saw a transvestite in a mini skirt at the weekend.
> I thought, that shows a lot of balls.


 :(rofl):   :(rofl):   :(rofl):

----------


## purplefan

I used to work in the factory that made fire hydrants. But you couldn't park near the place.

----------


## purplefan

If you melt dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?  :^):

----------


## purplefan

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

----------

OldMike (08-02-16)

----------


## S deleted

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you

----------

purplefan (08-02-16)

----------


## S deleted

If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'

----------


## S deleted

I bet you £2,594.82 that you can't guess how much money I owe to my bookie

----------


## S deleted

I've put something aside for a rainy day. It's an umbrella.

----------


## purplefan

A blind guy walks into the army recruitment office and says he wants to join the paratrooper regiment.

The sergeant is very impressed with the mans determination. But says to him " i dont mean to be rude but your blind and you want to join the paratroop regiment", how will you know when you get near the ground to pull the rip cord"?
"Easy" said the man. "my dogs lead will go slack."

----------

OldMike (09-02-16)

----------


## purplefan

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" 
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

----------

OldMike (14-02-16)

----------


## OldMike

My teenage patient’s mother was concerned. “He must have a temperature,” she said. “He hasn’t taken our motorcycle out all day.”

“Let me ask you,” I said. “Do you have a thermometer?”

“No,” she said. “A Kawasaki.”

----------

purplefan (15-02-16)

----------


## purplefan

My local drama group advertised that they were putting on some Roman plays. XXX Roman plays it said. I though it sounded sexy but all it was was 30 plays..

----------

OldMike (14-02-16)

----------


## purplefan

i got a recipe book for road kill.  I tried one of the recipes in it, It was delicious, but i still don't know what to do with his bike.

----------

OldMike (14-02-16)

----------


## purplefan

Our community Bobby came to the school the other day and did a talk on Heroin.
Thing is, you couldn't understand any of it.

----------


## purplefan

its really hard being a teacher these day.  I mean what do you do if you stand in the front of the class you can write on the board, but you cant see the children.
if you stand at the back of the class, you can see the children but not the board. No one has solved that dilemma not by a long chalk!.

----------

OldMike (16-02-16)

----------


## purplefan

I hated school when i was a kid.  One day the teacher asked me if wanted to take the school Guinea pig home, and seven months later i ended up in the African republic of Guinea.I was lost, the British consulate didn't want to know, my parents did not know where i was and my space hopper had a puncture.

----------


## purplefan

I love going into starbucks and drinking their coffee. But have you tried going in five minutes before closing? 
"Sorry mate, we turned the coffee machine off".
Well, F&**(& Turn it back on again ,i didn't come in for a chat.

----------

OldMike (16-02-16)

----------


## Hugo-agogo

> I hated school when i was a kid.  One day the teacher asked me if wanted to take the school Guinea pig home, and seven months later i ended up in the African republic of Guinea.I was lost, the British consulate didn't want to know, my parents did not know where i was and my space hopper had a puncture.


Lol, I know that one, Milton Jones!

----------

purplefan (16-02-16)

----------


## purplefan

> Lol, I know that one, Milton Jones!


He is funny. I was watching a DVD of his and could not stop laughing.

----------


## S deleted

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

----------

OldMike (16-02-16)

----------


## S deleted

Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? 
A: Juan on Juan.

----------

OldMike (16-02-16)

----------


## S deleted

I really don't know what the best thing about living in Switzerland is but the flag is a big plus

----------

OldMike (16-02-16)

----------


## S deleted

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a nobel prize.

----------

OldMike (16-02-16)

----------


## S deleted

Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"

----------

OldMike (16-02-16)

----------


## S deleted

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

----------

OldMike (16-02-16)

----------


## S deleted

Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? 
A: Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

----------


## OldMike

> Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? 
> A: Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.


Shame on you Stella and you being a member of the Duck Protection Society.

----------


## S deleted

Q: What time does a duck wake up?
A: At the quack of dawn!

----------

OldMike (16-02-16)

----------


## S deleted

Q: Which side of a duck has the prettiest feathers?

A: The outside!

----------

OldMike (16-02-16)

----------


## S deleted

Q: Why did the duck fly south for the winter?

A: Because it was too far to walk.

----------

OldMike (16-02-16)

----------


## S deleted

A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "Do you have any chapstick?" When the pharmacist hands it to him, the duck replies, "Thanks, just put it on my bill."

----------

OldMike (16-02-16)

----------


## purplefan

As i child i had a  condition that to survive i had to eat soil three times a day.
it was luck my older brother told me about it.

----------

OldMike (18-02-16)

----------


## purplefan

I used to think that stick and stones could break my bones but words will never hurt me.
till i fell into a printing press.

----------

OldMike (18-02-16)

----------


## purplefan

I love the Internet it is brilliant. I went on to ask jeeves and asked him 
Why is Google so much better.
They recon it is going to cost us 30 million pounds to send our Olympic team to Brazil next year but I say you can't put a price on 2 bronze medals in cycling.

The fastest man ever on a bike was British. He went at 156MPH. 156MPH wow that's fast. It was recorded at a level crossing.

----------


## purplefan

A lot of people  ry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond. 
A lot of people ask me how I cope with my depression and I tell them. I like to put smartie tubes on cats leg and watch them walk. If I'm really stressed I watched them going down stairs.

----------


## S deleted

Are any of your jokes actually going to be funny rather that offensive?

----------


## purplefan

How  can you say the onion joke was offensive?

----------


## S deleted

It sure as hell wasn't funny

----------


## Pen

Woman goes into a chemists and asks the pharmacist "I would like a strong poison guaranteed to kill a man quickly"  "you must be nuts" says the pharmacist, "I cant sell you anything like that, its illegal" The woman goes into her handbag and shows the pharmacist a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacists wife. "Ah" said the pharmacist "thats different, you didn't tell me you had a prescription!"

----------


## mitz

> Are any of your jokes actually going to be funny rather that offensive?


this is just one of things I was referring to; and have felt u comfortable reading others past and present.  the thread I made was closed and I'm unable to send anymore private messages, so i have no where appropriate to respond. Stella you know you're u have a tendency to be harsh, which is why you knew I was referring to you.  it just feels very cliquey around here sometimes, when some can away with things and others can't, even if they try to highlight it, just get gagged!   suzi this forum is brilliNt and you do a brilliant job, far better than I and many cld do; providing a service, and a free one at that, is just amazing, so pls don't take this as a criticism; I'm trying to higifnt a real issue as I see it - which is exactly what others say they are trying to do!

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## Paula

Hi, Mitz. It's really tough modding a forum where members are all dealing with depression, either as someone with MH issues or those affected by it. The admin team are all volunteers and are also all dealing with this illness in different ways. But we try our best to be encouraging and supportive, while also ensuring that nothing on the forum can be considered offensive or triggering to members. Suzi has picked all the mods bearing in mind our different strengths and, I believe, we make a good team - all of us. There is never any intention to 'gag' anyone, but there are appropriate ways to flag up a potential problem. Commenting on threads such as this isn't really an appropriate method.

So, I truly hope this thread can return to what it does best - bringing a smile to our members  :):

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Suzi (28-02-16)

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## Suzi

> this is just one of things I was referring to; and have felt u comfortable reading others past and present.  the thread I made was closed and I'm unable to send anymore private messages, so i have no where appropriate to respond. Stella you know you're u have a tendency to be harsh, which is why you knew I was referring to you.  it just feels very cliquey around here sometimes, when some can away with things and others can't, even if they try to highlight it, just get gagged!   suzi this forum is brilliNt and you do a brilliant job, far better than I and many cld do; providing a service, and a free one at that, is just amazing, so pls don't take this as a criticism; I'm trying to higifnt a real issue as I see it - which is exactly what others say they are trying to do!


I'm glad you like the forum. I don't know why you can't send PM's, but I'll look into it. But please, if you have a problem with any of my team there are better ways to deal with it rather than tagging onto random threads. I would rather that you didn't name particular members of the team, in the same way I wouldn't want anyone to pick a forum member.. 
Thank you x

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