# Help and Advice > Coping with Depression >  Time Passing By and Fear of Failure *Triggers*

## selena

Good evening to all!

How I wish to wake up one day, look in the mirror and realize there are  no problems anymore, there are no depression moods, no failures, no physical illness...

I think everybody comes through this, but sometimes it seems tougher than ever.

Ok, I have PCOS, my things are getting better and my treatment finally works, but it's so slowly. Last year I  had a sudden and positive change, but things are not getting fast. I am on the point of losing my faith and patience. 

I am very close to 30 and I've got hysterical. Every time I think about how little time I still have in order to build a good relationship or open marriage ( I'm not dreaming of marriage, just about a good partner and friend) and have children ( at least one, while I consider two). But now my illness still doesn't allow this, I am still in not so good shape and not exactly able to bear children due to medical reasons. There are moments when I get crazy and just thinking about enough time to manage everything. And I could not start an affair with any man, he should be man in my taste and close friend. I am feeling miserable and start to think what my life will be without becoming mom and wife. There are "wiser" women who can live with men they don't really like and have children in order to get a hand of help in their older years, but I just could not do this. 

Such a question is rising in my head:" What is the oldest age a woman can safely give birth to a child?"

I like planning and getting all things on time but this time I am not exact master of my wishes. On good side, I am not lost case and my medication is working. But not a day goes by without thinking what I would have achieved if there wan't this cursed illness on my way.



All these reasons make my depression a harder pillow to swallow.

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## Paula

:(bear):  I hope this gives you hope but my friend has pcos, was told she wouldn't have children and now has 2 boys. Hunni you have plenty of time to meet someone you could spend your life with and have a child with.  But these things aren't able to be planned, they happen when the time is right. And tomorrow may be that day - you never know x

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selena (18-05-15)

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## Suzi

My Mum was over 40 when she had my little brother.... There is still time hunni..

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selena (18-05-15)

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## selena

Thank you for replies, it is really a great support to me.

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## Suzi

How are you doing today?

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## selena

A little better.

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## EJ

Hi Selena. I also have PCOS. I am now post menopause. When I was twenty seven I married my husband. We tried for eight and a half years to have children. I was unable to ovulate without help. My eggs were too small to be fertilised and not viable to conceive a child. If you don't ovulate then you will be unable to have a child naturally. At thirty six I had IVF a single cycle on the NHS. I am now the Mother of a seventeen year old.  I have suffered with hyperstimulation because of the PCOS. I nearly died. It can be done but IVF/ICSI might be the only way to become pregnant naturally. Best of luck xx

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selena (20-05-15)

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## Suzi

Glad you are feeling even a little better hun x

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selena (20-05-15)

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## Hugo-agogo

I really identify with feeling like you're always in a race against time to reach a place where you can have all of the normal, good things in life. For me a wife, home, and a purposeful living. For a long time now I've felt that I've lost that race. Maybe feeling that way is part of the problem - always feeling it's just that one extra push away. But if it helps, my sister-in-law is 36 and having her first child.

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selena (22-05-15)

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## S deleted

My mum was 41 when I was born.

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selena (22-05-15)

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## selena

> My mum was 41 when I was born.


Were you first child?

Thank you both for your answers. 

Besides this race, there is always something to regret and to blame myself on not doing something important in the past.

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## Hugo-agogo

Often feelings of regret and blame, and that there's something we first need to do or atone for, weren't something we deserved, but were made to feel by other people who have shrugged off all responsibility. 

I think we can always try to work through things to be happier people, but I guess my message would be that it is always an ongoing process, and that there is never necessarily a point where we have solved all our issues and arrived at some perfect place in life. So do have counselling and treatment for things that still affect you, but don't put your life on hold. There's nothing to wait for. Life is for living and opportunities may be there every day.

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selena (22-05-15)

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## S deleted

> Were you first child?
> 
> Thank you both for your answers. 
> 
> Besides this race, there is always something to regret and to blame myself on not doing something important in the past.


No, I was my mum's 3rd child, but my fathers first. I have a friend who was told she would never have children and even if by some miracle did become pregnant wouldn't be able to carry a child to term. She now has healthy twin boys and she was mid 30s when she had them. 

I have two beautiful young boys myself whom I love with all my heart but I still feel like a failure as I was unable to give birth naturally  :(:  I guess we need to accept that life isn't always as perfect as we'd like it to be and roll with the blows but that is so much easier to say than to do

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Paula (22-05-15),selena (22-05-15)

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## selena

Hello everybody!

It's passed some time since I wrote last messages here.

My condition is better, but I still suffer from lack of confidence, first of all in my forces.

I don't have new work and still not prepared to get into new job, it's not because of laziness, I am just not ready.

Summer has come but I don't have any desire to go out, because I am shy that I am far from being slender and get depressed when I see a lot of skinny semi-nude bodies, it's not about envy, it's about psychological and non-accepting my body. Besides, PCOS problems again.

On the good side, my back got skinnier, I've been bra fitted and my result is 42 C, still a lot of work to get back to my 36 B.

And I want so much to move for some time abroad, everything around gets me depressed.

Are you active on social links, such as facebook, instagram? I mean under your real name and photos. I'm not because I changed because of illness and people can hurt my feelings, but as I am too curious like many other women, sometimes I look at my ex classmates' photos. And after looking at them, I get depressed. No, there are just a few who achieved something professionally, the thing that hurts me is more simple -some got married and have children.

I still have some time but I am just dreaming of being healthy and have a good partner and children, not necessarily being married. How much time should I stilll wait for my recovery? Lol, but it's my eternal painful question.

I have probably Adult attachment disorder, I have feelings but can't disclose them, can't look straight in the eyes of others.

Probably I should change environment and go forward.

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## Suzi

I am on FB, as is DWD https://www.facebook.com/DealingWith...on.UKforumpage 
Sweetheart you are doing really well. I think that you are a lovely lady and it shouldn't matter about your size!

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selena (31-05-15)

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## selena

Thank you for support.

The thing is that I used to wear 12 size, now I am around 18-20. Well sometimes papers and tv put an established model of beauty higher than others and it's a lot of pressure with all these standards.

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## Paula

Hunni, I was a size 10 years ago, and a size 12 when we got married, 3 months after having our daughter.  I'm now a size 18, because of ill health and medication, yet my husband still loves me very much.  He sees my body, but he sees me, not my dress size.  And it's the same with my friends - they don't care what size I am.  The right friends, the right partner Will love you for you, not whatever label you have in your clothes

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selena (31-05-15)

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## Suzi

My husband has known me as anything between a size 16 and a size 30. He loves me the same too... My sister in law (who is stunning) has clothes from a size 10 to a size 16 and she says it's just because of the way different clothes are labelled. She once said to me that it's only a number on a label. If you don't like it then cut it out! She's right...

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selena (01-06-15)

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## selena

Hello! Hope everybody enjoys nice Sunday!

I've thought all last week about my future.

I'm feeling guilty that I couldn't go to work by now, but my psychologist says it's still early, I should do more therapy, I know that's true but just blame myself. Anyway she considers I will get more recovered by autumn.

Have you ever experienced such moments of "hurry" when you try doing everything on time and you just can't cope to manage it?

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## Paula

Oh yes, I was the ultimate 'I can have it all' woman. I worked, had 2 small children, was studying and trying to get my business as a Holistic Therapist going! Everything had to be perfect, and I am a classic overachiever.  Then I gave up the day job, and crashed big time.  I haven't been able to work since - I tried volunteer work for a while but even that didn't work out. 

I still try to do too much, and my expectations of myself are high but I am learning that, if I take things more easy, I'm more likely to get it done rather than give up in a hissy fit in the middle of whatever I'm doing.

Please don't blame yourself, or tell yourself you 'should' be doing this or that.  If you take things at a rate you really can manage, you're far more likely to get where you want to be

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selena (07-06-15)

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## Suzi

I was someone who had just passed my degree, got a job which I wanted, and had a baby and then my husband had his first breakdown and it all crumbled...

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## selena

I am very different in different days or even parts of the day.

Sometimes I get optimist, try to do anything, fight any obstacles and move forward. The next day I get back to earth and realize nothing that really matters changed and I'm getting down.

Mornings are the most difficult for me - I feel miserable, very unhappy.

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## Amaya

I also have a lot of changes throughout my day. I don't know about you but it makes it very difficult for me to be organised or plan anything, because what I think I can do at one moment, I cannot do in the next. So exasperating! Sorry this post is not helpful advice, just me saying I know how that feels!!

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selena (17-06-15)

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## selena

Good evening!

Whay else could I add?

On the bad side, nothing major changed.

On the good side - I've got new natural period. 

My doc said that's progress. but I am upset about things getting so slowly and I regret about all the lost years because of my illness. I put efforts. but weight loss is still slowly. After many years of disbalance is not a surprise, but I wish all health would come back to me again.

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## Samantha340

don't see those years as lost. No matter how hard and difficult those have been, they made you the person you are now. Be patient, you are on the right way.

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Paula (20-06-15),selena (20-06-15)

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## Paula

I agree with Sam, my illnesses and trauma over the years have 'tempered' me with fire - I am who I am because of those, and I like who I am.

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selena (20-06-15)

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## selena

Yes, it did me stronger indeed and more compassionate toward others. But knowing that this partially destroyed my life, makes me feel very sad.

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## Paula

I know, this was not in my plan .....

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## selena

The worst thing for me is developing agoraphobia when I can't pull myself out from my house, that could get worse and if that mood moves towards permanent depression one can forget about brushing hair, cleaning etc. And it becomes difficult to fight against it. But I try to do everything to get out from depression because that helps me to improve my condition.

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## Suzi

Disability wasn't in my plan either, but then neither was watching and caring for my husband through severe mental health issues. I wish that these things haven't happened, but in reality I wouldn't have the children I do or the home or the husband if things hadn't been as they are.... I wouldn't be so tolerant or understanding or forgiving...

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Paula (20-06-15),selena (20-06-15)

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## selena

The most important thing I learned is that I ( and nobody else)should not feel guilty about my illness, now I can talk and think about it easier.

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Paula (20-06-15),Suzi (21-06-15)

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## selena

Another annoying think that bothers me is posting on blogs.

Let's say, you have a blog or post to a particular site thread about your passion - let it be recipes, tourism guides, celebrities etc. You do some good work and after you face unreasonable criticism, arogant stuff or additional identical material from people always sure of knowing better than you. Of course, constructive criticism is good but web attacks from ill arrogant people or trolls could take this desire of sharing your experience.

In real life could be harder of course.

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## rose

Some people make it their life's work to upset people. They are very very sad people Selena and not worth worrying about.

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selena (21-06-15)

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## selena

Right you are, just have to move forward and forget about it.

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## Suzi

There are people out there who just don't seem to be able to be nice at all!  :Panda:

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## selena

Summer is the hardest time for me because I'm ashamed of my far from slender body ( and all because of this hormonal disorder!).

I found on FB group of women suffering from PCOS, unfortunately my case is one of the most difficult, but still I'm not single in struggling  it.

I feel most miserable in the mornings when I do realize that in fact nothing has gradually changed.

I'm afraid I'm on the way of developing agoraphobia. I'm afraid to get out and find new work as I fear I'm going meet some of my ex-colleagues or neighbours that remember me looking differently. I'm afraid of their comments, personal indelicate questions, just can't cope with it now.

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## Paula

I understand that. There's a 25th school anniversary event happening that I've been invited to. I'm not going because in not who I used to be and my life has not turned out how everyone expected.  It's silly really, because I like my life, but I want them to remember me how I was.

Look up Simply Bekini - none of us have perfect bodies, but they do an amazing job every single day in keeping us going, in processing everything we do to it, in getting us to jobs, or out with friends, or just cleaning the house! Enjoy your body, you're not getting another one  :):

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selena (01-07-15),Suzi (02-07-15)

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## selena

Yes, but that's really difficult.

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## Suzi

Oh yes, it's really really hard, but it is something to work on...

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selena (02-07-15)

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## Paula

> Yes, but that's really difficult.


Yep .....

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## selena

Another end of the week and another frustration for me.

I'm at the same point of deception, but I do have a hurtful question: do you think you can't start something new, like career or anything else, after turning 30 years old or for example could it be too late to start something new in a different place ( like moving to US, for example)?

I've worked hard but unfortunately didn't realize all my personal and professional plans in previous years because of my physical illness and other particular incidents.

Now I'm getting better but this question strucks my head again and again. And I'm feeling trapped in my place and desperately need some changes.

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## Paula

30?? Hunni that's no age - of course you can start something new! You can change things at any stage in your life if you want to.

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selena (10-07-15),Suzi (11-07-15)

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## rose

I think, no matter what age a person is, if they really want to do something, they will do it.

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selena (10-07-15),Suzi (11-07-15)

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## Justin Tolerable

I could just start and affair with a young man. But otherwise I share the same feelings of hopelessness, despair and loneliness. In fact I am going to leave this forum tonight for various reasons to find a new outlet where the admin won't care about what I say. This is unfortunate.

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selena (10-07-15)

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## Samantha340

You can change your life no matter how old. Why staying in a unhappy routine if you could be happy.

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selena (10-07-15)

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## Mrs-Darling

> I could just start and affair with a young man. But otherwise I share the same feelings of hopelessness, despair and loneliness. In fact I am going to leave this forum tonight for various reasons to find a new outlet where the admin won't care about what I say. This is unfortunate.


Why do you feel you should leave Justin? It'd be a shame if you did.

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## selena

Thank you all for kind words, hope everyone could move from such depressive moods.

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## Justin Tolerable

> Why do you feel you should leave Justin? It'd be a shame if you did.


No one has ever missed me or noticed my absence since about 1994. I think I should leave because I frequently submit inappropriate posts to serious threads - mostly because I don't read the OP and don't know it is very serious.

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## Suzi

Selena - when I was at Uni doing my Teacher Training degree there was a lady on the same course who was 47 at the time of starting - it was a 4 year course, but she had just wanted to do it all her life, but hadn't managed to. She was amazing! 
Of course you can do what you want to do, age is nothing but a number!

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selena (11-07-15)

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## Mrs-Darling

> No one has ever missed me or noticed my absence since about 1994. I think I should leave because I frequently submit inappropriate posts to serious threads - mostly because I don't read the OP and don't know it is very serious.


I find that hard to believe! I rather like your presence here.

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## selena

Yesterday came across an article in DM about a woman with a rare physical condition, she found a job, got married and became mother. It's great that she had support and strength to overcome many things, her story inspired me.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...surrogate.html

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## Paula

Wow!!

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## Suzi

Such a lovely story.

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## selena

Now I'm struggling to get out from home, I feel so confused but I know by autumn I should definitely do the first step.

My doc said my analysis are neither too bad nor too good and hormone balance is very imprevisible, I should just calm down.

And also there are very important decisions to make about my future.

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## Suzi

Sweetheart what kind of important decisions?

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## selena

About working and moving to other place, I feel trapped. But I simply can't accept reality - I mean physical illness and  very slow progress. Maybe travelling could help a little, I don't know.

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## Suzi

Trapped in what way lovely?

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## selena

That's all about psychological matter, the people who have known me since my younger years can't help hidding the astonishment on their faces while meeting me now.Because I have changed and not in the best way, it's all because pcos. I feel rather free with new acquaintances, they at least didn't know me when I was in a better shape.

So I feel trapped inside pcos and the same infinite circle.

I need to move on, just don't know how to do it. Theoretically is simple, but certainly not in practice.

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## Suzi

Is it "just" your weight issues or are there other symptoms you have?

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## selena

The other unpleasant symptoms have been also bothering me, but nobody can guess it.

All my depressive moods are connected to my weight issues and how different I used to be  in the past.

However there are other issues, family issues, that really have an impact on me.

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## Suzi

Sweetheart why does your weight bother you so much? 
Is there any area of your life where you are happy?

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## selena

Because I can't fix it myself regardless any efforts and because of standards of beauty imposed on tv and other media.  I've lost some weight since last year but I wish I had lost more. 

Yes, I feel a kind of happiness in process of working, travelling, hobbies, I don't really know, but these moments vanish soon.

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## Suzi

Lovely, I assume you've spoken to your dr? What about diet and exercise?

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## selena

Yes, a little.

I'm on low-carb diet and exercising or going for a walk.

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## Suzi

I think you can change things so you are happier and I wonder if you are happier whether you'll find it easier to lose weight? Does that make sense?

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## selena

Yes, I'll try to take these changes with more ease.

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## Suzi

It's not easy, nothing worthwhile is... but you can do it.

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## Mrs-Darling

Are you having any kind of talking therapy? It sounds like you could do with some help with your self esteem. I totally understand the feelings surrounding weight issues. I've put on about 3 stone since I turned 40 (I'm 48 now) and have fluctuated between losing rapidly on stupid diets and regaining twice as quickly plus adding more on. I hung out with a really fashionable set in London in my 30s and was very slim but I had a much more energetic job and very active social life. I'm virtually a recluse now, rarely seeing anyone other than my close friend. I'm on a waiting list for therapy, it's about 3 months away and I'm impatient to start it but my psychiatrist thinks I'm too unwell to start it now so I have to be patient! 

If you don't have access to therapy, there are lots of self-help materials available online for self esteem and empowerment designed specifically for women. Although it does seem that you may need something that centres around your condition. You said that you'd joined a Facebook group for PCOS, have you thought about outside of Facebook where you don't have to use your real name? I'm sure you'd benefit from talking to other women with your condition.

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selena (24-07-15)

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## selena

Not exactly, I've had a few sessions with  psychologist, but that's not so often as it required in my condition. I am also a kind of recluse, and it's not because others avoiding me, it's because of me avoiding others who can hurt my feelings not knowing details of my current condition.

I've thought,  offline meeting  with other women experiencing the same difficulties would be  a great benefit for  me, but such a suggestion hasn't been made so far.

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## Suzi

Aw sweetheart, have you found any support groups near you?

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## selena

No, unfortunately, no near support groups.  Forums also do help a lot.

The most annoying is that I'm fed up of explaining to others symptoms of pcos. I know I should neglect this, but sometimes it's getting on my nerves.

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## Mrs-Darling

http://www.soulcysters.net  - here's a forum that looks pretty active.

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selena (24-07-15)

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## Mrs-Darling

http://www.verity-pcos.org.uk/about_us/about_verity  And this one is a charity with members only area which organises events and seminars.

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selena (24-07-15),Suzi (24-07-15)

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## selena

Thanks, I know the first one, it's good.

The second is new for me, I'll  have a look.

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## selena

Good news here, my periods have become naturally shorter, my doc considers it a progress. But breast pain before periods is so unpleasant, it starts about a week before, probably hormonal fluctuations. I hate these issues, besides always have to search my bra size that's so  difficult to find - 42 B. Sometimes I  find 42 C that fits me during periods time, basically I could buy cheaper bras with smaller band size and bigger bust size, but I  could barely breathe in them.

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## Samantha340

Have you looked online? Normally you can find everything at Amazon.

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## selena

I haven't looked at Amazon, tried at other sites, but they are rather expensive.

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## Samantha340

expensive yes, but i think its worth it.

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selena (26-07-15)

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## Suzi

amazon, ebay, Marks and Spencer here are brilliant as are Debenhams and BHS..

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selena (27-07-15)

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## selena

I don't know, maybe it's my lack of courage, but I'm so tired of my psychological battle about accepting my PCOS condition. Sometimes I think I've done everything that I could do about it, everything else is in God's hands, I just can't continue blaming myself, medication and surgery could change something, but not everything.

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## Suzi

Why can't you accept this diagnosis?

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## selena

It's because I want to be like the majority of people, but every time remember of certain restrictions related to my illness. Mentally speaking, I've got it, but not by my soul.

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## Suzi

Hunni, trust me. The sooner you accept it, and work with it the easier it will be. I know how hard it can be, but sweetheart it is an important step...

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selena (03-08-15)

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## selena

Yes, I really want to accept this.

But I think I'm going insane with all these sudden fluctuations: headaches, fast growing of facial hair ( on my right side of  chin) and plucking it again and again, and now sensation of lump in  the throat and back of tongue, i'm really afraid of having a thyroid nodule or something worse. My doc says I still have nothing to worry, it's just result of hormonal fluctuations as things have been positive, but I don't get the cause of this turn.

I've also started to think that my mother deserved a better daughter, me being too self-centered and when we're together the only thing to discuss is my illness. I'm her only daughter and in a bad health, now I think that people should better have at least two children, in case one is ill or something the other could succeed, just such a failure mood.

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## Suzi

You aren't a failure and I don't think your Mother would ever say or think that at all about you. I am sure that you are perfect to her whether you have illness or not. 
Sweetheart you need to listen to your GP, it sounds like you are worrying yourself silly over something that may never happen!

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selena (03-08-15)

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## selena

You're right, it's not her feeling, it's just mine.

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## Suzi

Maybe you should tell her that's how you are feeling?

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## selena

I told her, she is not upset and even proud of my achievements, but she is  sad because of everything that happened to me.

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## magie06

Can you do the three positives for every day? I keep a diary and I try to include 3 positives about me, although some times its difficult. 
Sometimes my positives may be that I showered, I took my medication, and I didn't stay up too late! 
Other days if I had done housework, gone for a swim or did something with Aisling,  then the positives are easy to write. 
It is quite difficult to do on some days but it is so worthwhile, and on very difficult days, you can look back on your previous days and say things are not as bad as I thought.

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selena (03-08-15)

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## selena

magie06, thank you for suggestion, I think I'll try doing this way.

When I was on a short trip abroad, I kept diary and it helped.

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## magie06

Diarys are great.

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## selena

Due to say I've barely left my house this summer.

By autumn, I'll get better. I don't know what to say, the things improved but my expectations had been higher, I've hoped for full recovery.

Trying to read something new about people, most young and teens, who had been struck hard  by a serious illness just like me or worse.

My life is not the same as it was supposed to be.

I don't feel like I'm able to do office work now, just freelance and I want to change my place, maybe for a period.

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## magie06

Nothing wrong with freelance. Always needed somewhere. Do you think you are able for work?

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## selena

> Nothing wrong with freelance. Always needed somewhere. Do you think you are able for work?


I'm inclined to say yes, but I'm getting nervous when some  clients try to argue  about financial side of business in their favour.

I finished my last work in  April.

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## Paula

> Due to say I've barely left my house this summer.
> 
> By autumn, I'll get better. I don't know what to say, the things improved but my expectations had been higher, I've hoped for full recovery.
> 
> Trying to read something new about people, most young and teens, who had been struck hard  by a serious illness just like me or worse.
> 
> My life is not the same as it was supposed to be.
> 
> I don't feel like I'm able to do office work now, just freelance and I want to change my place, maybe for a period.


My life was turned on its head 2 1/2 years ago, and it took a while to come to turns with it. I'm not fully there yet, but I'm adjusting and so is my family.  It hurts when your life is not what it was supposed to be, I completely empathise

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selena (15-08-15)

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## selena

Thank you   all.

I'm just on the point of getting into hysterics, i've heard my mum saying that she's afraid I could have cancer or another kind of tumour. I have PCOS for many years and last year there was  some progress, but recently I've coped with some bad health moments. I'm aware she's afraid because she's my mother and I'm her only child, but that's insupportable, especially when she starts in a way blaming herself, although she knows it has nothing to do with her.

I'm afraid, on this point I googled " euthanasia" issue, because I'm already fed up with an illness and I don't want any additional physical sufferings.

I wish to move in another country, because other causes and even this panic affect my mental health a lot.

On other side, I want to move on and before getting to sleep I have only positive images of my future, or is it also a bad sign?

I'm really confused.

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## magie06

Try writing everything down. You could put pros on one side and cons on the other. It would take all the words out of your head, and leave them aside until morning.

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selena (15-08-15)

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## Suzi

Mother's blame themselves for everything. It doesn't matter if it could be down to them or not. Trust me. Mother's guilt is horrific! 
Have you spoken to her about all this?

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S deleted (18-08-15),selena (18-08-15)

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## selena

> Mother's blame themselves for everything. It doesn't matter if it could be down to them or not. Trust me. Mother's guilt is horrific! 
> Have you spoken to her about all this?


Yes, I did. She has said she realizes it's not exactly her fault, but after a liitle time the same begins again.

----------


## selena

It's the end of summer and I am confused. I know I should push myself to a change, find a job and move on. But my anxiety continues to getting me down, just like " What's the point of it, if nothing radically changes?"

----------


## selena

And I am saddened by the fact that my work hasn't been paid yet, at least I didn't give all piece of translation, I was paid just for the first 25 pages. It was  literary translation and the woman ( apparently author) seemed to me strange, and I should have thought better before taking it. But I enjoy this kind of work and wanted to put it on my cv,  unfortunately no news since May...

She apologized saying that their company is out of money now.

I really enjoyed translating her piece of work and building a new universe in a different language, I even noticed some historical mistakes and rewrote text in the  right variant.
It's  historical love romance with mystery elements and happy end. Whilst I don't agree with everything in the story, the heroine becomes close to me, although it may sound strange.

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## Suzi

That isn't good of that company, but maybe you could still put it on your CV?

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## selena

> That isn't good of that company, but maybe you could still put it on your CV?


I could put it on my CV, but the potential clients could have access only to first pages and I am supposed to ask for  agreement.

----------


## Suzi

Could you ask for that agreement?

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## selena

> Could you ask for that agreement?


Yes, but I doubt I will receive permission, maybe some pages. But you are right, it's better to ask anyway.

----------


## Suzi

Always an idea...

----------


## selena

Sometimes the black thoughts occur to my mind, but I try to move them out...

Apparently nothing new, but once again my pcos symptoms have got milder and my doc can see progress. She insists that I should be more patient.

It's strange but after severe symptoms have gone away, I've begun thinking about how wonderful it will be if I ever become mother, especially of a daughter...

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## Paula

I don't think that's strange, lovely. I have friends with PCOS who have kids, and my cousin had endometriosis so severe she was told there was no way shed ever conceive - her daughter is now 14 years old

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selena (25-08-15)

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## Suzi

Certainly not strange lovely..

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## selena

Now I'm starting to find a job and move on, and it's not easy.

I try to forget about my last work and it's stupid but I'm still feeling connected to the heroine of the romance I translated.

And maggie's advice was really helpful, I try to write 3 positives every day.

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## Paula

What's the new job?

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## selena

> What's the new job?


I hope to begin with something easier because of my health problems.

That's call centre or part-time translation job.

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## selena

Yesterday I had another breakdown and got into hysterics. What was the cause? I saw my old photos when I was healthy and started thinking of how I am horrible now. Of course it's only put me down and I was on the edge, wanting just to cry and vanish. I still can't feel calm while looking in the mirror. The other day I stopped and asked my mother to hide these photos, because they're a trigger for me and I'm trying to move on.

Another bad news was about the death of an ex-neighbour who was really a kind woman of good heart, I'm so sorry for her...

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## Paula

I understand that about photos, but you're not horrible now. Because you're a beautiful person and that will shine through

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selena (02-09-15)

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## Suzi

You aren't horrible at all lovely lady x

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selena (02-09-15)

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## selena

I've had panic attack  and experienced a bad anxiety mood. When I'm facing these moods, I'm feeling desperate and just want to vanish from this earth.

I'm trying to find job, but here is difficult to find free-lance job, so it's basically the office option or nearly. I'm feeling awfully because I don't want to live on my family' s money ( like the last three months).

I hate everything around me ( not exactly about people, just this atmosphere around). It's so difficult, I want to move on but before taking this step I should earn some more money.

Another thing - it's probably stupid what I'm gonna say, I know I have PCOS and I'm overweight. My things have however got better, and probably because I'm alone I just want to make some friendships. I know I'll be laughed by these men, but want to try.

Ok, but what normal man would want a rather young woman with 38 inches waist? 

I could hide some embarassing moments, but he will see it. Apparently people say that my face is pretty and I have nice eyes. And my legs are rather normal.  I could register on dating site, ok I'm ready for being rejected, but if not he will anyway see what I am and? Or should I wait before I lose more weight? But I've been exercising this year and being on a diet, and my doc says that the process of slimming is slowly and could take an unknown period of time because of hormonal level and thyroid. What would you advise me to do in this case?

I'm registered on some pcos online groups and I've come across a photo of a woman who is young and extremely overweight in comparison with me and, my God, she dates a man, and not bad-looking. My first thought was:' he is probably insane or wants something from her'. Ok, but maybe I also have a chance. My God, what to do? 

I apologise for writing a lot of my  interior disaster, but I cannot hide this into me anymore.

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## rose

Re the job, why not explore full-time office jobs and ask at interview about the possibility of working at home sometimes? That might give you more of a feeling of being freelance. Full-time should offer benefits such as sick leave, pension etc which is actually better in the long-run.

Re relationships, why not get on a dating site. If you fear rejection, let the boys come to you. Or you could look for a speed dating night, perhaps a friend would go with you? I am sure you are not as overweight as you think you are, and there are guys out there who care for more than just a woman's weight. Do some simple things to make yourself good; perhaps get a hair cut, do your nails, look about online for some new clothes (some websites are very cheap). I am overweight but I was shocked when I got chatted up at a party a couple of weeks ago, I think perhaps the issues with my weight are more my own perception that other people's.

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selena (08-09-15)

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## selena

Thank you rose for your kind words and encouragement.

Many employers don't like to offer part-time job to people who do not have children, but I will try.

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## Paula

Rose is right.  And wrt part time jobs, employers are looking for someone who can do the job, whether they have children or not is irrelevant

And, both of you, yes I suspect your perceptions about your weight are just that - yours, not other people's.  I'm overweight but only yesterday got told I'm glamorous by a woman who was assessing me for a voluntary job.

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selena (08-09-15)

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## selena

Thank you, whilst being out of job for a while gives idea that I'm useless, depressed creature without any normal skills and strong will. And it's so hard to go forward.

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## rose

What about full-time, but able to work at home say 1 or 2 days a week?

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selena (08-09-15)

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## selena

I will see more offers by the next week.

But I consider this, thank you for suggestion, rose.

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## Suzi

Selena, my husband has known me at my biggest and at my smallest and he's always been there and loved me - no matter what my size. The right person won't care...

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Paula (08-09-15),selena (08-09-15)

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## selena

> Selena, my husband has known me at my biggest and at my smallest and he's always been there and loved me - no matter what my size. The right person won't care...


Thank you for opinion, that anyway seems true.  But have you been slim when you met your husband?

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## mitz

you are lucky Paula for having found the right person. Others are not so lucky ; (  I'm having a nightmare online dating atm, its really disheartening, depressing, and I can't bear it anymore.  I've wasted my whole life on non-starter men, and now I am more emotionally ready (I think) , men don't want to know women over 40, or don't want to know me! I'm so fed up of being the one without a family to share and do things with. it's too depressing.  Selena you are much younger than me, it will be much easier for you - don't waste anymore time.  Weight isn't the issue either, like Paula said.  It's about how you feel and how ready you feel for intimacy, a relationship etc.

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selena (09-09-15)

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## mitz

and maybe luck as well!?

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selena (09-09-15)

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## mitz

sorry to but in your thread, it feels like its too late for me, and its all my fault. : (

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## Suzi

It's never too late.

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selena (09-09-15)

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## selena

Mitz, it's like Suzi said ' never too late'  for marriage and maybe for children. Thank you for encouragement and you're welcome to post about your feelings here.

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## Jaquaia

Oh honey  :(bear): 

I have PCOS too, I've tried for years to lose weight and saw so little results that I gave up. I hate myself and how I look. I have hair growing where I don't want it to grow, periods once every blue moon, androgenic alopecia due to it and I need to lose half my body weight. I avoid looking at myself in the mirror as I'm disgusted by what I see. All we can do is stick with the treatment and work hard as there is hope out there for us

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selena (09-09-15)

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## selena

> Oh honey 
> 
> I have PCOS too, I've tried for years to lose weight and saw so little results that I gave up. I hate myself and how I look. I have hair growing where I don't want it to grow, periods once every blue moon, androgenic alopecia due to it and I need to lose half my body weight. I avoid looking at myself in the mirror as I'm disgusted by what I see. All we can do is stick with the treatment and work hard as there is hope out there for us


Thank you for your words. When I've read about your PCOS experience, I was nearly crying, because many people judge PCOS women without even knowing anything about their struggle. 

My father who I met again after many years and who did nothing for me commented on my issues like it was a joke, and not illness.

And I also can't look in the mirror without getting anxious. Maybe I exaggerate, but there is still a great problem. Anyway I hope to find the right man who will be caring and understand my issues.

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## Paula

> you are lucky Paula for having found the right person. Others are not so lucky ; (


Mitz, yes I'm lucky I've got a wonderful husband, but it took a lot of trauma to get there - a difficult first marriage, husband leaving me when our baby was 6 months old for a younger woman. So, yes, my hubby is amazing, but that doesn't mean I haven't struggled - I just had no opportunity but to get through that period in my life and get to the point where I could move on

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Suzi (10-09-15)

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## selena

Yesterday I went out after 3 months hidding in house. I know that's crazy but due to my issues I cannot have made this step for a long time. I've been anxious and excited, my emotions are over my forces.

Today I've gone to the recruitment agency, tomorrow I'll discuss with some employeers. But my God, because of my issues I make effort to look into people's eyes and can't communicate properly face-to-face. Everything is easier to express in written form, and I've lost this live communication with people. I'm too afaraid, shy and anxious and this could be a barrier. I remember one of my employeers asked me why I never look straight in eyes, with this step I break any contact with others.

I'm nervous. However I'm prepared for being gotten down, the most important is that I've begun searching.

Because of my mood swings I'm facing health troubles:nodule in throat, nausea, toothache, headache, my hands get wet and I constantly move my fingers until it hurts. I'm obsessed with some thoughts, like that I'm awful, useless, fat and should have plastic surgery, panick attack is something usual.

The struggle is not easy, but I want to give it a try.

And to register on a dating site, but I won't run after guys.

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## selena

On the good note, I'm happy that I have a little clawed and plush friend, that I adopted some years ago.

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## mitz

your cat is beautiful: well done for you going out and facing the job agencies, that's not easy at all.
 hopefully the more you go out the easier it will get. All the horrible thoughts aren't true.

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selena (10-09-15)

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## rose

It's really amazing that you went out and did all that! Well done!!!!

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selena (10-09-15)

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## mitz

> Mitz, yes I'm lucky I've got a wonderful husband, but it took a lot of trauma to get there - a difficult first marriage, husband leaving me when our baby was 6 months old for a younger woman. So, yes, my hubby is amazing, but that doesn't mean I haven't struggled - I just had no opportunity but to get through that period in my life and get to the point where I could move on


I wasn't suggesting you don't/havent struggled Paula!

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## Suzi

Well done Selena!

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## selena

So, this day was full of impressions and strong emotions ....and I've got the job.

Prior to the job interview I've been so anxious that I barely slept the night before.

I was a little late and first got to the wrong building. But I overcame my shyness and was able to answer employeer's questions. She offered me a full-time vacant job, saying that part-time employeers won't be offered all the necessary social package. I told about my previous job story, affiliated experience and asked about some working moments.  The first week will be like a special training, and after having worked successfully for around a month I would have my contract definitely signed. 

My exact  job is  office manager and translator, working 5 days from 9 am to 5 pm, and a short work day on Saturday. She appreciated my knowledge of languages and said that it would be anyway a good experience for me. Thus I could pass in a year special exam to become certified court interpreter. 

She seemed easy-going, but I do have my fears, I just couldn't refuse this offer, I've thought I could give it a try, although it will be difficult.  I told her that manager part could distract me from basic job of translator, she says she understands the issue. In the process of working I will learn how to communicate with clients and work with specific office equipment.

When I handed her a copy of my ID ( dating from 2012), she asked me: " Is that you? You used to be overweight, you seem to have lost a lot of it". She is overweight too and when she said this, I was really astonished, because I consider myself fat and useless.

The director signed document stating my period of trial.

I still can't believe it, but I've got the job, I still have fears and  want to hide in house. I'm afraid that I'll be considered useless and get exausted.

She said she prefers workers on long-term basis. I did not say about my plans of moving in another country, because now it's irrelevant and I should gain more.

I've had a long walk on my way home along the park. I'm again out after staying home for three months.

Meanwhile I want to register on a dating site, just to get friendly discussions at the beginning.

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Suzi (11-09-15)

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## rose

This has got to be the post of the week Selena.
You got the job, you were complimented on how much weight you have lost (a really big deal for you), and you are facing fears about working. You were offered the job on the spot which is fantastic!
I think getting that court interpreter certification would be great too, that's a nice bonus!

I am encouraged to hear about your fears. I hope you don't mind me saying that, but I too am really fearful about starting work again. Nerves are natural, but this goes beyond nerves. That nagging voice that says you won't be good enough. I suppose the only way to fight the demons is to face them head-on. Good for you!  :):

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selena (11-09-15),Suzi (11-09-15)

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## Jaquaia

Well done Selena, that's awesome!

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selena (11-09-15)

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## Paula

Selene, you are a star! That's fantastic news - well done  :(happy):

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selena (11-09-15)

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## mitz

congratulations on the job selena, that's fantastic! I wish you lots of luck.

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selena (11-09-15)

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## Suzi

I'm so pleased for you! Hoorah!! Well done!!!

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selena (11-09-15)

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## selena

Today I've been to church, the last time was around three months ago. It was fine. But in the street I've felt anxiety and nearly panic attack. It's probably because I haven't been out for a while and it's also related to other issues.

Sometimes I think that I've become a little wild and insecure. I really don't know how I will cope with the upcoming work. But the next week is like an introductive training and maybe I'll learn more and in process of working will forget a little sensitive issues. I would definitely should give it a try.

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## Suzi

You'll be fine hunni... Well done for going out to Church. The more you can practise going out and about the better...

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selena (13-09-15)

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## selena

Thank you.

And I should also have to keep a good elementary style ( in everything, not just physical issues). Should put efforts while looking at myself in the mirror. I think it's better this way than staying home days and nights, and going to bed very late.

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## Suzi

I completely agree!

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## selena

Today has been my first work day, or better saying first training say. I didn't expect it but  new experience appears to me interesting. I've learned some technical things and related to  translation of official documents, that is about Hague Apostille Covention, management politics etc.

The director encouraged me and wants me to become office-manager. I think I should learn more anyway and after my first day I'm extremely tired!

I wanted to do just translator's work but this double experience will be helpful.

What I like about this work:
- I will communicate and help people. But won't be surrounded by a lot of them. Just communicating with potential clients in office and over phone;
- New experience and new chances;
- I hope in process of working I will 'forget' about my other depression issues.

From other side I should be patient and learn. I've experienced anxiety states being out and feeling useless. It's difficult to get used to new way of life, whilst the last months I've lived very dark days, barely getting out from bed.

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Paula (14-09-15)

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## rose

This is wonderful. You should expect to be ridiculously tired for at least two weeks! It sounds like this is going to be a great job for you, congratulations.

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selena (14-09-15)

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## Paula

That's fantastic news, Hunni  :):

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selena (14-09-15)

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## Suzi

I'm so pleased for you!! Make sure you get some rest!

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selena (14-09-15)

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## selena

Today I feel a little better and not so exhausted.

But the director seems to be a little unreliable and capricious person. I told her that I'm translator and that's my job. However she wants me to be office manager. Ok, I'll try it.

I know I'm anxious and depressive but I can't stand when someone infiltrates in my personal space. Today she has told me that she wants me with dyed hair and Armani brand bag. That's ridiculous, and I'm afraid that it won't last. Well then she told me she doesn't want this immediately, just step by step. 

She doesn't have exactly bad reputation, instead quite instable. Maybe I should try, I'm confused.

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## Paula

Tell her back that you'll get the hair dyed and the Armani bag when you're on a 6 figure salary!

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selena (15-09-15)

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## rose

> Today she has told me that she wants me with dyed hair and Armani brand bag. .


That's a strange comment. Did she mean to say that you are worth more than you think you are? Or was she criticising? Its difficult to know without hearing the way it was said.
Remember I worked at that office with the 'posh' people, the ladies and gents in their perfect suits, the ladies spending ages in front of the mirror in the bathroom doing their makeup.... it was very difficult for me to get used to being in that environment. I felt very left out. I suppose over time I would probably have adjusted how I looked to fit in more with the others. But maybe not with an Armani bag!!!!

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selena (15-09-15)

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## selena

> That's a strange comment. Did she mean to say that you are worth more than you think you are? Or was she criticising? Its difficult to know without hearing the way it was said.
> Remember I worked at that office with the 'posh' people, the ladies and gents in their perfect suits, the ladies spending ages in front of the mirror in the bathroom doing their makeup.... it was very difficult for me to get used to being in that environment. I felt very left out. I suppose over time I would probably have adjusted how I looked to fit in more with the others. But maybe not with an Armani bag!!!!


Both I think. But that's not posh people work place. It's just her personal view. It's like someone would want to impose their own style.

I said that I don't have enough money, she promised I probably would earn it. And one more thing, there are very few clients.

About the lady - she is average and her style is not posh at all, her hair style is like mine, just too bright 'artificial' reddish colour.

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## Suzi

Could she be meaning that she wanted you to have earnt so much that you could afford the Armani bag? Maybe she was saying that you are worth more than a translators wage?

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## selena

Maybe but that's not about her very reddish hair. She has said she sooner or later expects any woman from her office to have this hair colour. And that bothered me.

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## selena

Ok, today has passed my third day at work. I've decided not to get nervous and to be sincere with my employeer. It is not the job I expected, but I'm afraid I have no great choice.

They promised me a training but want a perfect person with immediate results. And she hurries everybody without any specific reason. I should have to learn more, so no need of hurrying me.However I can't say that she is not satisfied at all with my results and my general knowledge.

If it passes well, ok. If no, I'll keep my nerves and search for another job. This experience appears to be helpful anyway.

Yes, director is instable woman with changing mood and subjects, at least she is not  bad person. 

Today I met two clients, negotiated price and convinced that this agency provides the best service. I didn't know how I did it, but I did.

Tomorrow will be the first reunion and meeting with my colleagues. I've got to know just one of them. I hate this kind of events and firstly wanted to find a reason to reject it, but decided to accept.

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## rose

I am glad you decided to accept the event. Building friendships with your colleagues will help you feel like you have allies when your boss is being a bit strange.
I think sometimes its easy for employers to forget or assume about a new starter's knowledge. Just keep your cool and ask when you don't understand something.
It sounds like you did really well with the clients though, and you always made it clear that was your strength. The other stuff will come in time. I am sure you are doing really well.

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selena (16-09-15)

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## selena

Not perfectly well, but not too bad.

She appreciates my strong points. However she expects her workers to be as quick as robots.

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## Suzi

Speed will come, just hang on in there...

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## selena

You've been right. 

Day has passed quickly and it's ok. I'm a little anxious being next to director and hearing sometimes her strange remarks about everybody.

So I still stay strong and try to be patient. I don't much like the idea being more her assistant than translator. However she encourages her employeers to take the exam and become sooner or later court translators.

Today I calmed a man who had to  run everywhere because of some difficult issues with his documents. Later I've met my female colleagues from other offices, they appear to be quite normal girls.

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## Suzi

Sounds like it's going quite well! Well done hunni!

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selena (17-09-15)

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## Paula

You're doing great  :):

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selena (18-09-15)

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## selena

Thanks, but in fact not so great. Today I've had a big panic attack and even cried ( nobody saw it as I haven't shown my weakness to anybody outside my inner circle).

First, I explained to her from the beginning that I'm trained to be a specific translator, not manager and I should have proper training during a week like she promised. She pressures all employeers and wants them to be truly perfect beyond any possibilty and expectations although she does some major mistakes herself.

Next, this is very responsible job, work with money, documents. She wants everything done on time, right and proper. But that's impossible as there are just a few employeers, because she keeps purse for herself. A girl from team has told me that she had a major breakdown.

Today I've translated an Italian text. I hesitated to take the job, but took it, as there are in fact few translations to be done. That's a good point and discussed with a very polite client before.

Later two men brought to the office cooler, yesterday she instructed to sign document applied to this agreement, today I've signed it but after a while she told me that I shouldn't have done it. How to get to understand such a person? And she's always in search of employeers, as some people just can't put up with all this pressure. And work is different from what she promised. I can't work and verify all the necessary materials because of pressure put on me.

However I decided that my mental health is more important and when she asked me ' What will we do?', I replied simply ' You're to decide not me, I've done my job'. 

Well, I really don't know what to do, whether I should resign or wait a little.

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## Paula

Brilliant answer! If you can, Wait and see, she's probably never had someone stand up to her before  :):

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selena (18-09-15)

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## selena

And... surprise... on the dating site I've registered this week, I've got 5 likes and invitations to talk on site. I'm a little surprised and really don't know what to do next.

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## Paula

Smile, enjoy and, if they interest you, say hi!

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selena (18-09-15)

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## rose

She sounds like a nightmare Selena. I am not sure I can really advise you, but I can say it sounds as if you are really holding your own and standing up to her and doing your best. And you only just started! How dare she expect so much from you.

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selena (18-09-15)

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## selena

Yes, Rose, I'm holding myself but I don't know how much time I could last. I can't get these negative emotions out of my head.

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## Suzi

Thing is I think you should see the positives - you're holding your own, you stood up to her, you are doing translation work....

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selena (18-09-15)

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## selena

Maybe I haven't stood up enough but I preferred not to get in open conflict as it could deeply hurt me. A few translations but there are some positive moments like aniwhere.

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## selena

I'm supposed to work on Saturdays as well. I'm not accustomed to this work yet so I had to stay later. But at least I was alone and this Ms. didn't bother me much. 

I entered the office and got shocked when I saw her list of duties. She phoned me and explained tasks, but she enjoys so much to put pressure on others and complain. I explained that I haven't been trained at least a week and trying to do my best. It's so difficult to do everything on time - keep an eye on documents, money, keys etc. That's extremely responsible task and I feel increasing anxiety. I prefer to work slowlier in order to avoid any mistakes. At the end of the day she phoned me and asked if I put stand X, I didn't because nobody told me, she insisted that I ' should have guessed' it.

I ran the streets in order to hand documents to notary, but then realized I forgot some documents and returned twice, I should get accustomed to it, normally Rome is not built in a day.

And I should learn some specific programmes 'in process' without any promised paid training.

When I was on my way to the office of my colleague, I was so anxious that wanted to tell her everything I think of and that I resign. But when I got there, she talked to a woman, so I didn't say anything.

Positives: I met nice clients, who had patience and understand.  One of them told me a sad story about her liitle granddaughter, she was born with congenital heart defect. The girl had undergone surgery, but because of fatal mistake of doctor who operated got disabled, she can't eat because doc damaged her esophagus, she is still alive only due to tube feeding. And they hope someone will help them.

There is a month and then I'll decide if not her. Should I stay? Probably until the end of the month, however it's not easy at all. And then, really don't know.

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## rose

It sounds like really hard work. Don't push yourself too hard and remember its just a job. If she is being unreasonable then that is not your fault.
 :(bear):

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Paula (19-09-15),selena (19-09-15)

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## Suzi

There's nothing to stop you from looking around at other opportunities whilst you are there...

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selena (19-09-15)

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## selena

Today I've gone to church again. I slept just a little because of toothache.

And tomorrow should hand translation to an impulsive client, the only thought about him and director is getting me down...

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## Suzi

Oh sweetheart. Are you feeing down because of the job, the work or the director?

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## selena

Because of director and multiple tasks that I'm not accustomed to and anytime I fear that something won't work in proper way and she put the blame on me.

When she offered me this kind of job, I explained that I'm translator and should learn more about other tasks, now she is expecting from me to know and guess everything.

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## Suzi

Could you arrange to talk to her about this?

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## selena

I already talked, but she's like nothing remembering.

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## Paula

Is it possible to have somebody with you to back up what you talk about? Do you have a job description?

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## selena

I'm afraid no. Yes, I do. She promised to provide training, then expresses her negative opinion, and after all calls me back and gives new tasks.

If I work a month I will  have some money and then could leave. I don't know, maybe support three weeks and then leave,

I know that I should concentrate and leave all negativity like in yoga practice, but barely manage to calm down myself.

And tomorrow I should hand a translation to an hysterical client, oh my God, this man shouted at director's husband and is very instable...

In moments of pressure I have panick attacks, and start to think about hurting myself or death, I can't do everything so fast like she wishes.

I experience some health problems and besides all this, terrible toothache probably because of my wisdoom tooth, a real hell... I've taken two painkillers but it hasn't helped a lot.

And again these moment of OCD, feeling useless...

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## Paula

Hunni, you're not useless, you're achieving so much.  I used to have a boss who'd get hysterical and expect far more from me than he should have (including arranging his mothers funeral). My way of coping was to retreat to my office, sit down and work out what he was really asking me to do amongst all the drama, then looked up or spoke to people to figure up how to do it.  It helps with the anxiety, too, because you can take time to breathe.  He told me he knew I was going to work out when he asked me 2 weeks after starting whether I knew how to do a particular task.  I said no, but I'd find a way.

Can you ask someone to go with you to the hysterical client? You shouldn't have to see someone like that on your own.

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selena (20-09-15)

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## rose

> And tomorrow I should hand a translation to an hysterical client, oh my God, this man shouted at director's husband and is very instable...


But he didn't shout at you, and there is no reason why he should. Just stay calm and be sure to note, by email, when you feel tasks you are being asked to do are beyond what you have been trained to do or are unreasonable.
I can't advise you what to do, I think you will be able to make your own mind up, because you are far more capable than you think of making the right decision.

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selena (20-09-15)

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## Suzi

You are far from useless - you just need to believe in yourself more! 
You can do this, or you can see how you go - one minute by one minute if you need to lovely.

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selena (20-09-15)

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## selena

Once again a day full of anxiety and frustration.

First of all, the hysterical client behaved well and treated me with respect.  It was my director's husband who got him angry, because he two or three times postponed their meeting and once this guy stayed an hour in front of the door.

Then I did a little translation. My sadness is that I doesn't have any time to properly translate more works ( although they are few) because of all these tasks and responsibilities.  They don't even have appropriate dictionaries in PC. So I'm expected to provide them ?!

I don't know a PC programme in Word that is related to signature' application. She promised to train me properly, notary told me that I should be trained to better arrange documents. I'm so ashamed...

My boss hasn't kept her promises until now, she expects that I guess how to fix a even a broken check machine. That's too much.

But if I wait I'll have a salary by the end of the month.

This work is eating my nerves because of their inappropriate management. Today she has phoned me and told me that her husband advised her to fire me, and I should be grateful that she keeps best opportunities for me and train me, if only... I mentioned that they often change emplyeers, so why is she so interested to keeping me at her office?

I told her  that she could do this step anytime.

She wants me to be occasional translator, manager, a kind of accountant, PR special and money keeper in a person...

Today I managed to overcome my shame and asked client a couple of times what she really wants, although I was feeling dumb.

With all this I feel a limb in throat, dryness and panick attacks. When I'm pressed, I can't act properly and feeling trapped in a static mood that blocks me from inside and I can't focus on my next steps.

Only good thing - my Friday translation has been accepted as fine, so I do know my exact work.

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## rose

OK, I tell you what I take from your post.
You are very good with the clients, they like you, and you give a good service. These skills could be used outside of translation work.
The director is unreasonable, unkind, and possibly a bit crazy.

If you want to quit now, you should be given the money for the days you worked, why do you have to work a whole month?

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Paula (21-09-15),selena (21-09-15)

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## selena

> OK, I tell you what I take from your post.
> You are very good with the clients, they like you, and you give a good service. These skills could be used outside of translation work.
> The director is unreasonable, unkind, and possibly a bit crazy.
> 
> If you want to quit now, you should be given the money for the days you worked, why do you have to work a whole month?


Yes, Rose, I'm good with clients and translation work, but not good as manager and notarial assistant work etc. 

Maybe I wanted to wait until I learn something useful. She promised to work with me tomorrow but I don't know  what to believe.

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## Paula

You have no need to be ashamed - your boss is the one who should be ashamed. They've dumped you in it and treated you badly. Rose is right, you're great with clients and your translations are good - the problem isn't you, it's your boss.

Rose is also right that you should get the money for days worked, though I'm a little concerned that they're so bad they might refuse to pay you, so you may be right to wait until you've got your months pay

 :Panda:

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selena (21-09-15)

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## selena

Thank you, Paula, you really helped me. 

I probably should stay till the end of the month, otherwise they could dare not to pay my work, and I'm already out of money.

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## Suzi

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time with her. She sounds like a nightmare boss! Only you can decide if you can stay there or not. I also don't think you have anything to be ashamed of. Every new place gives training on the way that they like things done, so why she isn't I can't imagine, but I do suspect you now know the answer as to why so many staff keep leaving....   :Panda:  Remember, your health is more important than money...

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selena (22-09-15)

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## rose

Good luck today, let us know how you get on.

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selena (22-09-15)

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## selena

Today has passed more or less calmer. I was staying alone in another office. So, from one side I was happy not to have her by my side.

Her husband arrived early in the morning and explained me how to use checking machine. Ok, that was fine. I don't like her ideas, but today she hasn't bothered me. 

In the evening I went to  main office. She was supposed to teach me, but in fact provided very little information, saying that I could learn this via Internet (?). I told her that if I'm not properly trained  I don't want to feel ashamed and I could go anytime, but she began to ask me to stay for a while. I guess she is a kind of manipulator. She wants to impose her choices and tastes to other people.

Every time she pressurs her workers to do everything in a very quick away. Today a translator has commited a serious mistakes by writing in document wrong information, the client got very angry and this girl could  have been responsible for everything.

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## rose

I think your boss must be very stressed out. She also sounds like a terrible manager. Instead of calmly providing proper training and then allowing her staff to get on with their work, she hurries everything and then panics because her staff want to leave!
What do you want to do, get the first pay packet then run?

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## Paula

I'm glad your day was calmer, though feel very sorry for that poor girl

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## selena

Yes. Meantime I should find another job. Without a good job  I'll soon be out of money and prefer not to make debts. But my mental condition is more important and I'm still not sure how much money I'll receive in the end.

I've forgotten to mention that last night I suffered  asthma attack, that hasn't happened to me recently, I suddenly got awake and was nearly suffocating.

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## Paula

Have you had a check up with your dr recently?

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## selena

No, not yet. It's probably because of additional stress.

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## Paula

> No, not yet. It's probably because of additional stress.


Probably, but is it worth seeing your dr just to rule anything out?

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## selena

Yes, and  I'll ask for an appointment over phone.

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Paula (22-09-15)

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## Suzi

I'm glad it was a calmer day too lovely....

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selena (22-09-15)

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## rose

I just want to say that I don't think you are finding this job difficult because of your mental health issues. I think you are finding it difficult because it IS difficult, unnecessarily difficult, without proper training and with lots of stress attached.
I've really struggled to get back into work this year and really suffered from low confidence and feeling like a failure because my jobs didn't work out. But in both instances, the jobs didn't work because they didn't work, it wasn't my fault.
Please don't assume just because this hasn't worked out, that it means you can't work. You made a massive brave step getting back into work and I have faith that you can succeed.

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selena (22-09-15),Suzi (22-09-15)

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## Suzi

I completely agree wit Rose.

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selena (22-09-15)

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## Paula

I agree, you're doing brilliantly in a difficult environment

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selena (22-09-15)

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## selena

So another not so easy day has gone.

I haven't been trained so today I've put some more time on making specific documents form. The client was in a hurry so I've phoned another girl and Mrs. to help me. Mrs.Dr. was too 'busy' to help, I've felt ashamed when I asked this girl for help, but had no other choice.

Today I've discovered that I'm supposed to be super checker, besides that I'm mini-accountant, manager etc. The authorized translator made a serious mistake, changing a letter from client's surname and of course the last got angry. But I'm managed to calm client and when didn't understand what she exactly required gave her my boss's phone. That shouldn't have happened if I had been trained, and when boss began again her portion of complaints, I overcame my modesty and told her that I should be trained like she had promised.

The client thanked me and gave me an apple. 

This job sounds nervous, keeping an eye on everything. However it's difficult to find something proper. Tomorrow is team's meeting and I'm afraid that my tactless boss could make a hurtful remark in presence of them.

What else? A girl resigned and left the job. I have a feeling that Mrs. wants me to stay. I don't know if I have enough strenght to stand up to her and defend myself.

I've taken a little translation.

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## Suzi

I think it's brilliant that you are standing up to her lovely.

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selena (24-09-15)

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## selena

Another hard day.

In the morning an aggressive woman phoned to get some information and tried to have an argument, but I stopped her and said that I'm not going to follow her way. Thank God, she didn't come to office.

Then a very pleasant woman came to office and asked me to type and print a little text. She was so grateful that paid me separately, that's for coffee and tea. I've been really glad that I met her and helped her with little work.

In the evening we've had a meeting with colleagues, the second for me. I was not very eager to go but I did. Mrs. Dr. really enjoys to instruct others and feel her importance. I understand that she wants me to stay. Suddenly she gave me a present - newer cell phone. I was really surprised, I think I won't use iy until I decide what I'll do next, this present really make me feel frustrated. I wanted to returned, but she refused.

She promised to train me on Saturday. However I feel that she enjoys imposing her views to other people and dominate.

My health is not the best: first of all terrible tootache and I can barely sleep at night, even painkillers don't help, I should go to the dentist but I should overcome my fears first.

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## rose

She gave you a mobile phone, what for?

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## selena

For personal use, saying that's her present for me....

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## rose

I don't think its appropriate for her to buy you gifts, what do you think?

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## selena

I agree with you and I earlier told her my point of view. She said that she bought 9 phones for office and one was freely offered. But I suppose it's her try to make me stay at her office. The work is nervous and many have resigned.

I decided to keep it packed and not to use, so that I could give it back to her. She has made this when the others were present, and I was feeling very confused when she said she doesn't expect any refuse.

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## Suzi

I don't think I'd be comfortable with her giving such a gift either...

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## selena

I don't know what other surprises expect from her part.

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## selena

Today is the end of the week and I'm literally dead on  my feet. I am very tired and not very happy about new job.

Tomorrow I'll have promised training with my director. I'm nervous because she could try to impose her opinion like having her clown hair colour ( I respect others' choices, but I don't impose mines either). And I'm nervous because I don't know how to reply and argue. I don't know if I'm supposed to do cleaning, because this is not my official duty that will be paid.

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## Suzi

You don't need to argue, just say "no" or something. Do you have a written job description? Then check it and you can then keep referring back to it.

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selena (25-09-15)

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## Paula

^^^ wss

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## selena

Yes, I do, but I am afraid she is always ready to built new meanings.

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## Suzi

Ask her to write it all down lovely...

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selena (25-09-15)

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## selena

Today she has promised to answer my questions and train me. More or less, but she did it. Director did not impose her hair style choices and asked me about my impressions, I sincerely told her that I'm still not sure and I want my rights respected. 

On site she never mentioned cleaning as one my obbligations. But she said I'm supposed to do cleaning once a week but I won't be paid for this separately. She said that's nothing difficult in brooming and washing floors and some brushing. I've said that I won't wash windows because I'm not paid for this  and I've never washed such big windows.

At the end she said that she has done a lot for me. I'm still not officially working for this company, so just have to decide by the end of the month or a little later.

What do you think of?

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## rose

Honestly, I think it sounds terrible. She is going to pay you the days you've done, isn't she?

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## selena

> Honestly, I think it sounds terrible. She is going to pay you the days you've done, isn't she?


For this month yes.

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## rose

What do you want to do?

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## selena

I hope to find another job. Then I'll see, as this job has eaten a good part of my nerves and forces, and I doubt it will get better.

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## Suzi

I agree, she sounds like a hard person to work for!

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## selena

My depressing moods slowed down. However by the end of the day I'm anxious again, feeling useless and in a way desperate. I couldn't have kept my emotions inside and I've had a good cry.

I probably was too stupid to message a normal guy, while I am who I am...

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## Suzi

Why are you stupid to have sent a message to someone? Have you not heard back? Wasn't he the guy that wasn't showing as being active?

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## Mira

Why are you stupid for doing that? If anything its amazing you are doing this. Its something thats not easy for you but you do it anyway. 

And Selena you are way more then your depression

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selena (27-09-15)

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## selena

Suzi, yes, it's that guy, but he hasn't read it yet. It's just another wave of insecurity.

In the morning I didn't want to get outside the house. However I forced myself and I've gone  to church and have had a little walk in the park.

I'm feeling better but getting more nervous while thinking about my job and appointment to the dentist.

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## Suzi

Don't beat yourself up from not hearing from a bloke who isn't even active on the site! It's nothing to do with him not being interested in you - it's him not looking for anyone atm! 
You are doing so well lovely - I know it doesn't feel like it, but you are.

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selena (27-09-15)

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## selena

Yes, indeed. Last years I've been struggling  with severe depression. Recently there have been slight improvements in my physical and later in my mental health.

By the end of summer I've had a lot of positive materials on my condition and PCOS, have read about positive transferring and had online consultation with psychologist. I knew I should move on and accept some things and try to stop my inner hysterical mood and suicidal thoughts, I really didn't know how to do it. And one day this miracle came, negative thoughts hid inside me and I found strength just to go on. It's not easy and still there are a lot of obstacles, but I'm really trying to stay positive and not fall in this abyss again.

One more thing: when my PCOS problems come back, my mother becomes anxious and the fear of disease and pain starts to dominate my mind and I really don't want to become obsessed with it.

Yes, I get the thing about this guy, it's just...er... disappointing. And yes, there are a lot of other men and he is not the one and only in the world. My personality is dual: from one side, I've inherited my mother's romantic side, that implies a little dreaming of happy life with a certain man I like, from other side, I've also got my grandma's practical side that stops me from being dominated and deceived by a man, but dreaming comes first.

And one more thing, when I'm walking on the street I daily observe different women, some are average, some are slender, some are overweight. Sometimes I'm thinking :" if I ever date someone and a perfect slender girl passes by, he will for sure compare me with her, and all day will be ruined'".

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## Paula

Hunni, why on earth would you assume you'd be dominated and deceived by a man? A relationship is an equal partnership between 2 people - and that's really what most people I know have. You can have the dream with the practicality, I promise  :(bear):

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selena (27-09-15)

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## selena

And I've forgotten to add, this forum also helped a lot.

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## Suzi

Sweetheart I'm no where near slender and Marc and I have been together for 16 years. It's nothing to do with size love, you just haven't found the right person yet, but I am sure that there is someone out there for you.

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selena (27-09-15)

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## selena

I don't know what will come next at work but apparently I've got along with clients quite well, although emotions inside me are higher than ever.

Boss gave me a text to type it.

Tomorrow will be held next reunion.

A really painful toothache is bothering and don't exactly know the cause, I've already taken a lot of painkillers and they barely helped. So tomorrow I intend to get an appointment, but I still have my fears.

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## Paula

It sounds to me like you're in the right job, with the wrong boss. Can you speak to her boss to try to resolve some of the problems?.

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## Suzi

I completely agree with Paula! Right job, wrong boss!

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## selena

Thanks. Job is not bad, I would just prefer more translations and better conditions.

I could talk, but I doubt something will gradually change.

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## selena

Today was not a simple day.

My boss put pressure on me again, now I understand why people leave her. She has never wanted to explain something till the end, so I'm expected to guess everything or feel ashamed. Her words today:" I'm not gonna train anybody for years so by the end of the month I'll decide, if people want to stay home let them stay". She expects that I could make stay any client and get from them highest amount of money.

My head is going crazy:I should keep an eye on personal documents, keys, other stuff and do cleaning, what is not officially included in my list. And I barely do my real job, because she wants everything done.


I've told her that I'll keep calm and she is to decide.

Today id International Translator' Day and in the evening she organized a meeting with team and gave everybody little presents. That's confusing me.

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## rose

Selena, she sounds like a nightmare.
When are you expecting to be paid?

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## Suzi

Oh what a nightmare!

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## selena

I should be paid around mid-October. I'm feeling very sad and low, and a lot of physical problems have got so far worse.

I couldn't manage to deal all these things at once, there are a lot of tasks that are even not connected with each other. Her idea with presents seems like a kind of manipulation.

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## Suzi

It sounds exactly like that!

I do hope you are looking around for something different lovely?

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## selena

Yes, but it's difficult and should wait until I get my money.

Today has not been an easy day.

I don't really get the boss, she finds wrong in anything  I and other girls are doing. And surprise... the last thing she told me is that she does not exactly approve my writing style! Maybe I'm not the best, but all letters and other related characters are visible. They keep an old checking machine, so when it went wrong I called her and she said that I'm probably to blame, I asked shop assistant in a nearby shop how to fix it, he did it and said that's not my fault, all it's about a broken mechanism. I'll be afraid of using it next time, that could be tomorrow!

At the end of the last week she gave me an additional task - to type a text of a certain man who is in prison and claims to be innocent. The text is in written by hand and not everything can be easily seen, I've had some doubts and asked her - she replied that I could call this man from prison and ask him ( that won't be paid by me). I called, but he didn't answer. At beginning she promised that she would do checking and other things.

All this vanity makes impossible doing my main job. That's not translator's job, that's little different.

Today a woman asked to translate for her a simple medical text, it's not difficult but implies thinking, it should be finished in a week, and all these circumstances stop anybody from normal process of working.

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## selena

I've already written about multiple tasks, that in all this chaos I barely manage to translate.

On Thursday a woman asked for translation of medical report. She is cancer patient and I made her a price reduction ( in this case boss let us decide). And finally I've taken translation because other translators refuse to deal with medical texts. I've thought it would be hard, but today at home I nearly finished it. It wasn't simple because I had to google a lot of information on breast cancer and that's tragic issue...

This morning I've been to the dentist, she is my new dentist and she made a good impression. 

My boss in two last days made me compliments, but I don't believe her...I think she's a kind of manipulator that wants to get on knee all her employeers.

And the last,  I've received more likes on dating sites, but still feel ashamed and afraid of reaction of the guy who I send message. And I still don't believe that I did it.

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## Suzi

I think you're doing brilliantly - are you expected to take your work home to finish? 
I don't think you should feel ashamed at all about sending that message.

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selena (04-10-15)

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## selena

Yes, I've taken it and finally could work in silence. Last week boss proposed me a translation, but I refused because I can't do all work at once. I've felt ashamed but then decided that's better to refuse than to do bad job.

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## selena

About dating, I know that's nothing wrong this, but that's probably my inner feeling of insecurity. And the most interesting is that i've written this guy messages on different sites, but he ' has vanished' and he surely didn't read them. Maybe it's better...because he is attractive.

As for other men, I wish to wait a little because I'm too afraid to reply and hold a conversation. My mind is always stucked by this kind of thoughts:
' What if?....what if he wants to see more photos... what if he wants to see me in bikini and I don't want it because of my body...what if he wants to contact me on my skype....what if?" That way, I'll go mad.

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## Paula

Why would it be better because he's attractive? Why wouldn't you be with someone attractive? Wrt the others, if someone asks something you're uncomfortable either, say no and don't talk to them anymore. You're in control of what you can and can't do, lovely

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selena (04-10-15)

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## Jaquaia

Selena, the guy I'm getting to know is gorgeous! Very fit with a gorgeous smile. Yet it's me he's saying is beautiful and amazing, not the slim, pretty ones. A good man will see you and want you for who you are, not what you look like  :(bear):

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selena (04-10-15)

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## selena

Today was an awful day for me, although no boss complaints so far, no clients...

I don't know why but I'm feeling deeply low and sad, only desire to cry and desperate feeling like I am a failure.

Maybe distant location of this office has an impact on me, not sure...

One thing more...near my workplace there is an aggressive dog, it is always barking and trying to bite. I really don't know what to do when it runs after me, especially when I leave the place. And clients have complained... I've told boss but she said that ' people are stronger and always can hurt and win in battle with animal'. But for me it's not a joke...

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## magie06

You sound like you need a break from work. Have you any holiday leave left for this year, maybe you could take one or two days over the weekend and make it a long weekend for you. 
I don't know what you can do about the dog. Here if a dog bites even only once, they have to be put down. Is this dog behind a barrier or restrained in any way? Certain dogs here must be kept under control in public places at all times.

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## Jaquaia

That's a load of rubbish about the dog! I came off worse against a dog last year! Multiple puncture wounds to both hands and arms, a fractured wrist and a general anaesthetic as it all needed to be cleaned up! I still have very visible scars now! If it's aggressive then the owner should be taking steps to get it under control. Might be worth speaking to the dog warden?  :(bear):

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## selena

Yes, I need more free days, not only Sunday, because I should also work a half-day on Saturday, although it doesn't have  any sense as all offices are closed and there are no clients at all.

Jaquaia, I'm really sorry to hear about your terrible incident. 

The dog is female and it probably has puppies. She is not restrained and works even on nearby streets. Apparently there is no specific owner and the director of little shop who has probably taken the dog doesn't care, so nothing has been confirmed so far. Sometimes there is an old worker who calms the dog but he is not present all time. I've spoken to him but he hasn't taken it seriously. Someone suggested that I could give  the dog some food.

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## rose

Is there an animal charity you can contact? The dog is probably hungry and frightened.

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## selena

I could search for one and get some information.

In the morning the dog was eating greedily. I asked this man if it is maybe hungry, but he has not confirmed this.

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## magie06

Be careful with regard to feeding the dog. Can you call the local pound or the local animal warden and report the dog?

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## selena

I will be careful for sure, I really don't know how to proceed. I can get some information.

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## mitz

hope you are feeling a bit better selena. you could try call  local dog rescue centre to get some advice, or to see if they could take it in, as it sounds like a stray dog? and so is probably v. hungry, especially she has puppies; not sure i trust the local authority pounds.

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## selena

Thank you all. Today I've tried to talk about the owner of the dog and someone tried to say that he adopted the dog, although I really doubt it. I've got some food and dog immediately stopped barking, she is probably hungry.

I've been to the dentist, and everything was right.

I've done 3 translations, the last one bigger than others, I've finished some time ago. I've send it but I'm obsessed with idea that I did something wrong in office or about translation.

During working process I forget about my moods, but now I'm feeling alone and anxious again...

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## magie06

It sounds like you had a tough day at work. Can you take 5 mins out and do a quick mindfulness, and only concentrate on you for the 5 mins. You sound like you are alone and need a hug so here you go.  :Panda:

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selena (07-10-15)

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## Paula

You're doing your job, well by the sounds of it, but it's pulling you down. Have you looked to see if there are any other suitable jobs available?  :(bear):

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## Suzi

I agree - I'm not sure if this is the right place for you to be either lovely...

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## selena

Yes, but unfortunately without success. My boss at least isn't bothering me at the moment, but tomorrow we have working meeting again.

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## selena

Today was a terrible day. 

My boss wants to use my work for little money and make me work even at nights. And my anxiety increases. She imposes me to do more translations than I can and work even in week-end. 

She enjoys manipulating and bullying people. At this evening's reunion she treated badly near all her team, especially me and the other new worker, now I get why people leave her. She treats them like slaves, enjoys her position, imposes her opinion and authority and enjoys dominating over others. That's so disgusting!
She even blames me ( and others ) that clients do not get to the office, although it's location matter, and always makes threats about replacing present workers with new ones. And I haven't signed official contract yet. I tried to defend myself but I'm feeling miserable when I'm mistreated in presence of other people, I'm feeling again so miserable and can't stand up to her like others could.

What should I go if the next week she will try to make bad remarks about me? Just to leave?

I don't know how to defend myself and I'm feeling very low, also because volume of work and multiple tasks, including cleaning that is not even paid.

And the guy who I liked has been on Badoo but hasn't messaged me back, but hasn't rejected me either. 

I'm just losing the battle and depression is coming back.

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## rose

Don't do more than you feel comfortable doing. You shouldn't have to work evenings and weekends.
I think you should leave. So many others have, why should you put yourself through it?

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## mitz

that sounds horrible, if you have the energy and motivation,  sometimes it's worth the fight and sometimes it's definitely not. if it's that bad, making you I'll, she is your boss and you can't do anything about it, I would def think about leaving if you can afford to, before finding something else. or maybe you cld leave,'and find some temporary work whilst you look for something else.

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## Suzi

I completely agree! She sounds like a terrible boss! Get out now and find something different!

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## Paula

When are you due your wages?

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## Mrs-Darling

Do you get paid sick pay? If you do I would get signed off sick by your GP which will give you a it of time and space to think about what you need or want to do. I would also consider either putting in a grievance about your boss' behaviour or make a complaint about her. You could also do this informally by speaking to another manager and telling them that she is the reason you have had to take sick leave. If the company values its staff or has any decent policies in place they should be worried that another member of staff has made you ill.

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## selena

I'm due to get my money in a week or a little more. It's not official work, it's considered to be one month paid training.

Today I've learned that another girl left.

----------


## magie06

If it was my decision, I would leave. I wouldn't be able for all that grief!

----------


## rose

But she hasn't trained you. She has just thrown loads of work at you, suitable and unsuitable!
Really I think the woman who runs the company is the problem. I am amazed she has a company at all!

----------


## selena

And she is not translator and can't appreciate translator's work. Yesterday at meeting she asked me in loud voice why I can't make very quick medical translation. I defended myself by saying that medicine is serious matter and I can't play with people's lives and  should be very careful and accurate, therefore I need more time.

I did translation with condition to extend deadline. It's about little girl with serious condition,“Bladder exstrophy and total epispadias”.

----------


## Suzi

I completely agree with the others, I'd leave.

----------


## selena

The same for me, now waiting for my money. 

This woman does not like that I stand up to her.

----------


## Paula

Go Selena!  :):

----------

selena (12-10-15)

----------


## Suzi

Have you quit?

----------


## selena

Not yet, because I want to be paid first. Just a few days remaining.

----------


## Suzi

Good for you!

----------


## rose

So, what's next, what's the plan?

----------


## selena

To find something else. 

But my health comes first, I have some medical appointments this week.

----------


## rose

Do you need to be working or can you take a little break?

----------


## selena

I think I can take a break, for ten days for sure.

----------


## mitz

oh that's good, hope you have a good break!

----------


## selena

I have no break yet, but I'm feeling horrible and miserable, and sometimes suicidal thoughts occur again. And everything because of my boss. It's generally quiet except for Thurdsays when she organizes general meetings. She likes to show every employeer her importance and mock other people, especially weaker ones, having fragile mental or physical condition.

I've done some really good translations, bur she does not appreciate anybody's work, she continues the same game. The other employeers are generally normal, besides two " clowns' who support any opinion or suggestion of the boss. The most insupportable thing for me is when she ridiculizes me in front of others, that's insupportable! I know the other normal people will just move on but for me it's difficult to stand up in front of others. 

And the reason is just crazy: the employeers are GUILTY that nobody or very few people enter the office!!! How could I be guilty if they don't even enter the building?

At today's meeting she criticized the girl who left, nearly accusing her of stealing. Her two 'favourites' agreed with boss, while a girl riposted saying that couldn't have happened this way. And via old skype conversations I've found out that there have been just a few clients at my office and she terrorized everybody who worked there.

She has attacked another girl, but mostly me and  I really don't know what to reply if she attacks my personality features or my physical condition. What should someone do when he/she is attacked in front of other people? What would you in such a shameful moment?

It's a pity she doesn't see anything good.

I should be paid by 18th October. When I had  been proposed this offer, I did not like it because I knew many employeers left and she is permanently in search of new people. 
My mother wanted me to take this offer, because now we have a little difficult financial situation. I've talked to her and she agreed that my health is more important.

I have some health issues and feeling very unhappy.

Trying to stay positive but that's hard...

----------


## Suzi

She is such a horrible person! I can't imagine working for her!

----------


## rose

That sounds awful. Get your pay and get out of there. You poor thing.

----------


## selena

Thanks for your support.  I've been trying to explain everything to my mom. She cares about me, but  has different approach. While I can't resist anymore. Anyway my mother agreed that my health is more important and I don't even know if I get appropriate payment for my work.

I count the days before my last work day there, but I don't know how to stand up in front of others, the embarassing moment when all eyes are fixed on you.

----------


## Paula

What a horrible person.  I'm glad your mum is supporting you, I know it's difficult financially leaving this job, but I'm sure you'll find a new one soon, with a better working environment

----------


## selena

Today I've got my wage, but it's so low!

I decided to search another job. Meanwhile I'm not officially registered at this work place, so I've decided not to attend any meetings, because i have no official rights in the company and I'll be bullied first, so i just won't attend. 

On Monday I should have a serious talk with this woman, it will be phone conversation, so I should prepare myself to stand up to her and that's not easy.

On bright side of things, today I've been to a store and purchased new bra. I've said to shop assistant that I make 42 B or C ( depending on manufacturer)and it won't be easy to find appropriate size. She looked at me and replied that I couldn't be 42, I've said I know I am. She gave me 38 B bra and surprise - it fitted me nearly perfectly. She said that I'm just average, but anyway I know that I'm pretty overweight, especially belly.

----------


## rose

Shop assistants get to know what size someone is just from looking, I used to be able to do that when I worked in a kids clothes shop!

You say your wages were low, less than you were expecting? Have you had a payslip so you can see how much tax you've paid?

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo! New bras are so fabulous! It's always better if you are a smaller size than you think! 
I think you can stand up to her. Just be strong and definite.

----------

selena (17-10-15)

----------


## selena

> Shop assistants get to know what size someone is just from looking, I used to be able to do that when I worked in a kids clothes shop!
> 
> You say your wages were low, less than you were expecting? Have you had a payslip so you can see how much tax you've paid?


No, I haven't. She said that I don't have this right yet and she establishes 'appropriate wages' for everybody.

----------


## Suzi

No pay slip? That seems wrong...

----------


## Paula

Very wrong and, in the UK, very, very illegal

----------


## mitz

wow, she sounds very shady...I would get out of there asap!

----------


## rose

So you've worked for a month without an agreed salary and received what she thinks you were worth? Obviously you're in a different country and culturally I don't know how it works there, but in the UK that just would not be an acceptable agreement. Do you feel comfortable with the arrangement?

----------


## magie06

With no wage slip your employer is breaking the law. (Well she would be here). You have worked your hours and you are entitled to a slip to let you know what you have earned and if you don't get one, you should take it up with citizens advice, your union and even the employers union. They all need to know if things are underhand or under the table. Good luck!

----------

selena (17-10-15)

----------


## mitz

how is she paying you...cash/cheque etc?  with tax deductions etc?

----------


## selena

She has paid me cash and I have doubts that is normal or legal. I've already told her that I want everything to be on legal terms, but she ignored my request. So I prepare to leave but first of all have a serious discussion. I really do not know how to deal with this kind of people.

----------


## rose

That's because these kind of people are unreasonable!

----------

selena (17-10-15)

----------


## mitz

yeah, probably best to leave and just see it as a learning experience (about who not to work for!)

----------

selena (18-10-15)

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## Paula

Normally I'm one for complete openness, but do you really need to do anything except ring her Monday morning and say you're not ever coming in again? You don't owe her any more than that

Also, maybe it'd be an idea to write down everything that happened for your own benefit, in case she tries to cause trouble later (or use what you've written here - although I would think there's more you haven't told us)

----------

selena (18-10-15)

----------


## rose

Hi Selena, are you ok? How did it go with your boss?

----------


## selena

Thank you for your question, Rose. Today has been a really busy day  and I'm very tired. I've dealt with more clients and in the afternoon break have been to the dentist.

Previous night I had been struggling with all kind of fears and lack of confidence, but I talked to boss and other manager. I've said that I'm going leave their workplace. Surprisingly, but they began begging me to stay. The other managed assured me that everything would be right and in legal terms, and my rights will be fully respected. I replied that I will think about it, and that's only because of my mother's request to give them a second chance.

Meanwhile I began searching other job. 

In the evening I've met other girls from company. One of them had her birthday today. Most of them are not bad people, but I felt so awkward, like I'm the one not normal among mentally and physically healthy people.

----------


## Suzi

So proud of you for saying how you felt! Well done for standing up to them!!

----------

selena (19-10-15)

----------


## Paula

Well done in talking to the bosses. I hope it helps as you're obviously good at your job. 

Can I ask, how would you know if some of your colleagues had unseen illnesses? Asthma maybe, chronic pain, depression? Unless they told you, you wouldn't know and I'm betting they didn't know you had any illness

----------

selena (19-10-15)

----------


## rose

Do you feel better after you spoke to them? Do you believe the legal side will be sorted and you'll be better supported?

----------


## selena

> Do you feel better after you spoke to them? Do you believe the legal side will be sorted and you'll be better supported?


Yes, I'm feeling better. But I should check everything very carefully.

----------


## Suzi

Absolutely agree with that!

----------


## rose

OK, just go with your intuition on this one.... it sounds like you made great progress today by standing up for yourself, well done!

----------

selena (20-10-15)

----------


## selena

I'm also glad that there's not only her, but also other manager.

Today I've made a little translation from Italian. Later managed phoned me and said that the client liked it and wants me to translate 30 pages. It's about psychology of relationships. And imagine, the woman boss said how she is proud of me...

Some bad news here...a little lump above recently treated tooth and I'm already frightened.Although I have no pain at all and the lump is small.

I have another lump above the belly button and I'm also concerned about it.

----------


## Paula

Can you check with your dentist?

The lump on your tummy - there's lots of things it could be but if you're worried, ask your dr

----------


## selena

Yes, I'll check tomorrow, but I really hate this kind of examinations.

----------


## Suzi

You do need to talk to your Dr and your Dentist about those lumps lovely just to check up on them and to put your mind at rest...

----------

selena (21-10-15)

----------


## selena

I've talked to the dentist and she said there is nothing to worry about.

At work things have improved. However I don't like when somebody imposes me to do all tasks: translation and office work including clients' service. And I wasn't ashamed to tell the truth that I won't be able to do  serious translations in short time. Managed said that translators are not supposed to do cleaning, so this problem has been solved.

There is not much success on dating sites either: still there are no appropriate matches and I have too little spare time.

----------


## Paula

Perhaps one thing at a time, lovely. You're dealing with work, so perhaps you can focus on that for the moment?

----------

selena (21-10-15)

----------


## selena

I hope so, I mean to manage everything on time.

----------


## Suzi

So glad that you are finding things better at work lovely...

----------


## selena

That's so difficult with these dating sites, still no progress, in fact I've spent on them very little time.

That's really stupid but for me it's difficult just to write " hi" in chat box.

----------


## Suzi

Maybe you could pretend you are talking to us?

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selena (24-10-15)

----------


## selena

Oh, thanks, that's good advice.

----------


## selena

Today I've been to church a put a candle for everyone who is in need ( here and others, taking example of maggie). My thoughts were far away and unfortunately my mind was not so focused on religious service, but i prayed at beginning and at the end. I'm still worried for many things.

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magie06 (25-10-15)

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## magie06

Thanks you selena. I love it when people tell me that they prayed for me. I feel a little bit special. 
Today, I hope that you got a little bit of peace, and that you got some relief.

----------

selena (25-10-15)

----------


## Suzi

Thank you for your thoughts. I hope that you get some rest and answers soon lovely.

----------

selena (25-10-15)

----------


## selena

Today has been a really difficult day for me. I've had such a horrible migraine with nausea, painkillers barely helped, just after getting home felt a liitle better. And maybe it's also because of my anxiety and  multiple tasks, as I'm supposed to keep a fixed eye on everything. 

I've worked with documents and clients, and because of my boss's pressure nearly made mistakes. She also hurries me with my translation of safety instruction attachment to chocolate making machine equipment. That's terrible, and I'm more afraid of my boss's mood than of clients'!

Today I've nearly got in accident, and it was not driver's fault, but save God, everything got right.

On bright side clients thanked me and one of them gave me a little present - it's so pleasant anyway, although I didn't expect this at all.

----------


## Suzi

Oh sweetheart  :Panda:  I really really hope that you have a better evening.

----------

selena (28-10-15)

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## Paula

I know she's so difficult to deal with, but it seems you're really good at this job, and your clients think you're great. I know it's hard, but take the good from all this.  And I'm glad no one was hurt in the accident  :(bear):

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selena (28-10-15)

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## selena

I can't write about some crucial improvements.

At work things have got slowly better. It's because clients like to communicate with me and because of my new working project. But it's hard to deal with different states documents and I should be extremely attentive, and multitasking does not make it better.

Yesterday I've been to special church service and I remembered people from site, because in real life I barely have any close friends or they are far away...

I've talked to a woman, our client, who revealed her sadness about her younger son suffering from depression. She liked me and  confessed she would have been happy to have a daugter-in-law like me.

I've experienced some health problems and unfortunately it's not finished yet. 

A client told my boss that she has liked a lot a sample of my translation from Italian, it's about psychological aspects of female role in relationship. So I have to translate 30 pages till the end of the month, and it's not easy with other tasks. Although I like this kind of translation.

What else? Online dating has showed no improvement, just no step forward, no appropriate men...

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## Suzi

Sounds like the job is going better and that you are happier there? 
What health issues? Do you want to talk about them?

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## Paula

Despite huge barriers from her, you're doing a great job by the sounds of it - that shows to me your strength and your remarkable ability to do your job

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selena (31-10-15)

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## selena

Yes, in a way it's better, although the boss is sometimes difficult to deal with. But thank God she is far from me and we see each other only once a week.

It's about lumps' feeling on tongue, throat and a little lump on belly. Nothing has been detected but I'm still afraid. Doctor said it has been probably caused by my PCOS weakened immune system.

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## Suzi

Glad things are at least a little better lovely. Hope you get the results soon x

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selena (01-11-15)

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## selena

From today I'm official translator at my boss's translation company. And I've finally seen payslips.

I'm not in my best mood because I've got cold and now I'm struggling with additional illness.

And about dating, I don't like the fact that I've become attached to a guy who hasn't even bothered to reply to me and probably other women.

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## Suzi

Brilliant for the payslips and becoming an official translator! Are you pleased? 
Additional illness? Are you OK lovely? 
Is that the guy who hasn't been online?

----------


## selena

> Brilliant for the payslips and becoming an official translator! Are you pleased? 
> Additional illness? Are you OK lovely? 
> Is that the guy who hasn't been online?


Generally I am and my colleagues are quite friendly ( most of them), but we barely see each other. I'm not totally relaxed, there is a lot of stress, but I am the only one in office, so I don'y feel embarassed because of my issues. I deal with clients, but that's different thing.

I'm very worried about the lumps I've written earlier.

Yes, it's the same guy. And he's probably too self-centered. But that's not only about him. I haven't found any appropriate guy just to talk with. Maybe I've spent on dating sites too little time, I don't know. I'm worried about my PCOS and at the same time I'm feeling that I'm ready to become mother. You'll probably find this feeling strange, but I've never taken it literally before. I'm not bothered about marriage but I want future father of my child to be a reliable man who I like ( and I hope just some feelings for me from his part).

There are many issues and besides I'm so tired after work.

----------


## Paula

Have you seen the dr about the lumps?

Hunni, I've been a single mum and I've then been a mum with a supportive husband who I love loads.  Being a single mum is absolutely the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.  I coped, because I always do, but the difference when my husband came into our lives was immense.  The pressure I had when I was on my own was lifted instantly (he took to being a stepdad easily) and we work together as parents. What I'm trying to say is that I hope you are looking for someone you can make a life with, not just as a sperm donor.

----------

rose (03-11-15),selena (03-11-15)

----------


## selena

Yes, I've seen, apparently there are no signs of concern. But I would prefer to see another doctor. Just have to find some free time.

Good news is that now I'm free on Saturdays.

Thank you for sharing your experience and point of view. You're right, that's really hard. I want to meet my OH and I agree that a child should have a loving and caring father.Unfortunately I cannot guess everything that is on a man's mind.

To have a good father it's really important, especially for a girl, the father I lacked in my life. My parents divorced and he didn't help at all, I met him some time ago and there is no parent-child connection between us.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  Sweetheart give yourself some time...

----------


## selena

Unfortunately illusions seldom change into something real.

The last month the feeling of loneliness has left me empy.

----------


## Paula

Hunni, illusions are just that. Illusions. They're not real. If you're waiting for an illusion to become a reality, you'll be waiting a long time.  What you need to be looking for is a real future, one that is solid

----------


## Suzi

She's right you know....

----------


## selena

Today I'm working at home because I've got a cold, I'm not feeling well and it's so hard to work.

And I have two kinds of news: good and bad.

Two apparently serious guys contacted me via email. But here comes the mess.

I've found that my friend registered me on dating site without my permission. And she put my photo.

That's not the worst, because I've already registered on other dating sites. The thing is that she wrote that I'm currently spending my time " between Paris and London". Who asked her to do this thing? It is not true. I've contacted some of administrators, he said that this feature could be changed only by person who paid and it's not a problem.

I've liked the men who contacted me, but how can I reply knowing that my friend ruined everything? It's sad, and what could I write? I don't want to appear as a liar.

----------


## shiro

Hi Selena, although you should have words with your friend adding you without you knowing I wouldn't worry yourself to much over this. As a guy I'd find it in good humour that your friend is helping you along, just be honest and explain what's happened and I'm sure they'll think it rather kind and cute  :):  

I hope you feel better soon and shake that cold, plenty hot drinks and soup  :):

----------

selena (04-11-15)

----------


## Suzi

I'd be honest. Talk to your friend and talk to the men involved....

----------

selena (04-11-15)

----------


## rose

So your 'friend' put your picture on a dating site, paid for the profile, but put your email address on it? Are you not able to change the password, log in and change the details yourself?

----------


## selena

> So your 'friend' put your picture on a dating site, paid for the profile, but put your email address on it? Are you not able to change the password, log in and change the details yourself?


I changed password, but I can't change details, the policy is that if you want to change something, you should pay. Profile will be deleted automatically if  not paid the next month. And the admin's answer was simple ' it does not matter, discuss everything with men'. In fact she is not a true friend, but that's other matter. She is not mean, just acting spontaneously and without asking others' permission. My mistake is that I've told her about my intentions and she decided to make it better.

First, I wanted not to reply at all or delete my profile. But now I decided to reply and be honest, and then leave if there are no possibilities of changing details.

----------


## Suzi

That sounds like a sensible course of action to me.

----------


## Paula

That does sound sensible. How are you feeling about it and your friend?

----------


## selena

I've learned that I could not trust her anymore, who knows what idea comes to her mind next time?

----------


## Paula

:(bear):

----------


## selena

The thing is sorted out! Admins wanted me to pay 35$ in order to change wrong information. I refused and my profile has been frozen.

----------


## Paula

Good ..

----------


## Suzi

That's fabulous!

----------


## selena

Physically I've got better, although this lump still bothers me. But I've got very anxious and have gone this week through hard moments of instability because of pressure at work. 
First of all, I have multiple tasks, I'm not only translator and I just can't physically cope with everything. I should work on holidays, although I haven't worked today because of technical reasons.
So, I have one serious literary project from Italian and another technical needed to be finished by Wednesday. I've told my boss, but she just does't want to get this thing.

And one more problem. One of managers each time wants me to take additional translations. She doesn't take any translations, she is just manager. I told her that I'm already very busy and explained the thing, but she just does not want to get it! She is pushy and keeps calling me again and again, asking if I'm really so busy. I stood up to her and clearly refused, but her calls are getting on my nerves. Other managers get the thing, but not her. It's enough to have translations sent by my boss. At the end she said that I'm not sworn translator yet, so I'm not so expensive translator and that is the reason to put everything on me.

That's all and deadlines make me very anxious, I barely manage to have some free time.

----------


## rose

That's not fair on you, well done for standing up for yourself. In a way its a compliment that they want you to do the work, but not at the expense of your well-being. Keep strong, I think you're doing brilliantly.

----------

selena (07-11-15)

----------


## Suzi

Oh sweetheart it sounds like you are really good at your job, hence why you are wanted to do so much. But it doesn't make it better for you. It shows great strength to be able to stand up to your manager. Well done lovely.

----------

selena (07-11-15)

----------


## selena

Thank you for kind words. You know sometimes it's hard to put everything right and make words beautiful. Besides all, I should check every word before sending piece of translation to manager or client. I don't want to be hurried up. I have myself some duties of manager and also verify other translators' work,mainly personal documents. It has often happened that an urgent translation of personal document contained significant errors, like wrong numbers of personal code. Just imagine poor people stopped at the  airport because of wrong documents.

I think that this policy is inadmissible. Last week I received a piece of urgent translation. It was medical record, first of all I translated 'body' -medical data. Then this manager phoned me and said that I could have used a better word in general phrase. I did not say anything, just specified that all medical information is right. 

Ideally I would prefer to do freelance work, but that's simply not possible at the moment.

In late spring, I would try to pass successfully exam to get certificate of sworn ( court) translator. And my boss wants me to pass four languages, and my God, that's a lot...
That's about juridical translation, and I have not received any training in this field and have no real experience. I just google by now to find some samples in English and French.

And tomorrow I should stand up again for myself. These moments are difficult for me, sometimes I'm just suffocating...

----------


## Paula

And yet you're holding your own, and knowing when to say no.  Be proud of yourself

----------

selena (08-11-15)

----------


## selena

I really try. Unfortunately I should finish my work today.

----------


## Suzi

But you aren't in work today are you? 
You sound so much more confident than you did when you first joined.

----------

selena (08-11-15)

----------


## selena

I'm not in office, but I'm doing some work at home.

It's pleasant to hear that I'm more confident, it's probably true, but I'm still very fragile and can be easily hurt.

----------


## Suzi

I think that's true of everyone. We all have our own triggers which hurt us. You are doing so well. Should you really be working at home?

----------


## selena

Generally no, on week-end we should have some relax, but that's it now.

----------


## Suzi

But hunni, You need to have some time off hun. If you have too much work to do at work then you need to tell them or you're never going to get time off!

----------

selena (08-11-15)

----------


## selena

That's right. I can stood up for myself, but with boss it's more difficult. And after I  refuse the 'capricious' manager described earlier, my mood is getting worse, because of my risen anxiety.

----------


## selena

And I'm also feeling so lonely and sad because of the man I've become attached to. That's probably stupid and irrelevant, but having just a little experience and risen anxiety have made me very sensitive.

----------


## Suzi

Oh sweetheart! You will find the right person for you..

----------

selena (08-11-15)

----------


## selena

I hope so....

But it's hard to find or to meet the right one.

----------


## Suzi

Give yourself time lovely - and by working all weekend you aren't going to get out to meet other people!

----------

selena (08-11-15)

----------


## gillcm

Hello Selena, I am 69 so feeling  its too late to do things is very pertinent. Please dont think that means yours isnt. I was a virgin until I was about 27 and was used by a very good looking phillander, then I felt marked and found myself seeking me myself. Anyone reasonably attractive would do. And one took me so seriously and I didnt want to get involved with him, and I hadnt found anyone I could settle with either despite playing the  field. I feel low and slutty. BUt when I was 28 I came upon a friend of another girl I knew, she had no serious regard for him but he interested me. he was withdrawn and depressive, and I felt kinship. I would never have expected to settle down the way I was
 I trailed him and hung out of him dossed where he dossed, ( this was the hippy period) even on floors. He said little but I felt totally bonded to him.I was 28 by then. It had never occured to me that it might be too late, and I dont think early thirties is in any way late either you are still so young.
 He never  verbally committed just said he didnt want to go. Never said he loved me, but I loved him. After 4 years I said I needed to know because I wanted children. He didnt say anything so I just let myself get pregnant. he rejoiced, he was obviously really happy and loved my child, he was out of his depression, but I would never have known that could happen. It was obvious he intended to commit then.
What  I am saying it you too might need to just accept anyone until you find one is special. They could turn up anytime or anywhere, but moving in circles where people like you are is important. I never wanted to be involved in non depressives as they would not have understood me atall.
 Anyway, I went on to have another child three years later.  And my last aged 39, if I had been able ( health problems) I would have gone on to have more.
I think it depends on how old you are biologically, some people age so much faster than others.
 We have been together 42 years now, I would never have thought it was possible. My second son got very hung up in his mid twenties about not having a steady girl but not at age 32 he has a serious relationship and they are getting married next year. My other son having made a relationship at 30 broke up with her andis now 37 and about to get married next year too. 30,s are nothing you have loads and loads of time, maybe you dont realise you might not be ready yet, give yourself a break, there are plenty of fish in the sea and if you swim in the right place I am sure you could find one. xxx

----------

selena (09-11-15),Suzi (09-11-15)

----------


## selena

Thank you for sharing your experience, gillcm, I appreciate it, that has really helped me a lot!

My problem is that I'm becoming very fast attached to someone, and that makes me suffer.

----------


## Suzi

Hang on, I think I'm confused - is this someone who you are having conversations with? I thought the guy you liked online wasn't online?

----------


## selena

Yes, I've forgotten to update. He appeared but he's so distant and complex, I can't read his thoughts. There are just a few guys who I can talk with. Some men simply vanished from site. There was a guy who seemed nice but then became too insistent like that I should do any of his commands. That online field is not easy at all.

----------


## Paula

Hunni, if you're becoming attached with someone you've not met and have had few conversations with then I wonder if online dating is for you.  Just because you liked the look of him and have talked to him a bit does not make a relationship.  It may not be the environment that suits you

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## selena

> Hunni, if you're becoming attached with someone you've not met and have had few conversations with then I wonder if online dating is for you.  Just because you liked the look of him and have talked to him a bit does not make a relationship.  It may not be the environment that suits you


It's probably because of my general feeling of loneliness. After work my only desire is to get some rest. I understand everything just don't get some things spiritually.

Besides sometimes for me it's difficult to start conversation, like thinking 'what if he doesn't answer or what if he says something unpleasant?'

That's not wise, but that how the things work for me at the moment.

I'm so busy now that only online dating can be a ...fantastic...solution.

All 'online affair' with this guy hasn't worked and it's probably for both of us because we're belonging to very different religions and values. He's probably a coward, because I will never be afraid to date someone of different cultural background unless he is tolerant enough. It's not fair to say one thing and then act differently, at least he was sincere and probably stopped everything online.

I apologize for any mistakes written in a hurry.

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## Suzi

I think you need to start realising how awesome you are. You are lovely, intelligent, kind, caring, compassionate, strong and absolutely amazing. I often forget that you aren't writing in your first language...

----------

selena (10-11-15)

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## selena

Thank you for kind words, I've really needed some support.

When you have a lot of work, from one side this is good, because one forgets about dailly struggles. From other side, after work I can feel absolutely lonely and exhausted...

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## Suzi

When was the last time you did something lovely that you wanted to do? Not work, just fun?

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## selena

Oh, that was around three months ago or less.

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## Suzi

Then you need to do something about it!  Finish work and then go out and do something just for you!

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selena (10-11-15)

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## selena

That's a really good idea, maybe going for a  walk in a nearby park, if weather is going to be fine.

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## Suzi

Yes that would be brilliant. Just go and sit in the park and watch the world go by for a while....

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selena (10-11-15)

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## Paula

> Yes that would be brilliant. Just go and sit in the park and watch the world go by for a while....


Sounds lovely

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## Suzi

It did to me too. Take a book or a magazine or some knitting or crochet or a sketch pad or a camera. Just get out and away from work for a while. It's good for the soul.

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## selena

Today has been a liile difficult and I'm in a way exhausted, but content.That'about my work.

I've received messages from dating sites stating that I'm quite popular and men are interested in me besides the fact that I'm a little overweight.

A guy asked me what I'm searching for, friendship or serious relation, I don't know what to say because I'm not sure yet that I like him.
 And I don't know how to discuss with these men. They are full of life, while I'm "dead introvert".

I'm thirty and I want something more, I do not want to lose any more time and stay closed. 

An overweight acquaintance of mine told me that a man could laugh while going to bed with me.That he will probably laugh of my body and try to offend me. I really do not know what to think...

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## Paula

I think that's a disgusting thing to say! I'm overweight but my husband tells me I'm beautiful every day, even though I was slim when we got married.  My friend is a very large lady and her hubby is skinny, but they're together because they're perfect for each other.  

Be honest, hunni, if a man asks you what you're looking for - tell him you're looking for a relationship not a fling. It's not worth wasting your time on someone who's not interested in the same thing you are

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selena (11-11-15)

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## selena

Thank you for advice, I'll try to do it right.

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## rose

I think that the person who said that to you is not a real friend! Disgraceful behaviour!

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selena (11-11-15)

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## selena

Besides, I'm so stupid with all my 'belief ' in dreams and other apparent signs.

I've just messaged a guy who I like, but he probably doesn't share my feelings. It's stupid that I acted this way because of my belief in dream. I will delete his photos and be more intelligent. Although it's sad, at this moment...

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## Paula

Why do you think he doesn't share your feelings? What do you mean by your belief in dreams?

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## selena

I'm always thinking negatively. Oh, once I had a bad dream and it nearly came true, that's stupid but sometimes I'm afraid to get asleep. I have a fear of nightmares.

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## Suzi

Hey you, what's happened? You were sounding much more confident and now you just sound sad...

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## selena

Oh, that's other moment of sadness. It's all about love or let say elementary sympathy. Some men contacted me, but I've got attached with a man who does not want anything serious. I'm feeling now so stupid that I got attached so easily with him. In a way he was at last sincere, but I wanted so desperately to build something with him.It's sad that he won't probably contact me anymore. The worst thing is that I really don't want how to talk with men. Theoretically I know, but in practice that's tough and I always fear that I commit a mistake and seem ridiculous.

I know that I should have some  rest on week end, boss always considers that our work is not enough. Today I've finished a srious translation, but she has given me 3 additional translations. My free time has probably defnitely  gone.

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## rose

There are a lot of guys on the internet who are looking for sex only, and some who are genuinely decent people looking for love. You will get better at working out who is who over time.

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## Suzi

The more you give up your evenings and weekends the more she will expect you to do so lovely.

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## selena

So, here has started another week. It's not too bad, but I'm feeling a little bit exhausted.

I nearly finish my biggest translation of man-woman psychological aspects of relationship. There are some good pieces of advice there, so in my free time I'll consider translating something into English and putting them here. 

And I'm also somewhat anxious. I don't remember last time I saw a movie or simply read a book, probably in end of summer...

Dating...it's not easy, but little by little I'm getting used to online dating environment.

What annoys me? A blog of woman who is always laughing of people with specific mental and physical conditions...

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## Suzi

Oh sweetheart it sounds to me that you need to switch off a bit!

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selena (17-11-15)

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## selena

That's right.

You know, there are a lot ( for me at least) of guys who want to contact me, but I'm always afraid that someone tells me something wrong. 
A guy insists that I give him my phone number, but I don't want, and he is from Tunis. I won't give him any contact information, it's just hard to deal with it. I can't give any contact information immediately.

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## Paula

Can you block him, hunni?

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## selena

I should check.

I'm getting anxious when someone is putting pressure on me.

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## Paula

I'm not sure if online dating is for you right now, sweetie

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## Suzi

Definitely don't be pressured into something you don't want and don't give out any contact details until you are happy...

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selena (17-11-15)

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## selena

Oh, just ignore the insane people but met some nice guys, thanks for advice.

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## Paula

:):  easier said that done but have faith in yourself  :):

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selena (18-11-15)

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## MaraUT

Definitely the best to not share your information with someone you're not comfortable with. You made a good call.

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selena (18-11-15)

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## selena

I finished my big translation, but I'm so exhausted!
You know I've found a correlation between extrawork, sleepless nights and growing anxiety. This miserable feeling when you consider yourself useless...

Besides, yesterday a guy on dating site sent me his photo on the beach and asked for similar photo of mine. Of course he is not serious at all, but it really saddens me that I'm overweight and this could turn them off. 

Some guys ask for skype and FB. As far as it concerns FB I've created additional semi-empty account and really don't know what to do.

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## Suzi

If someone doesn't think it's worth getting to know you rather than what they see in a photo then I promise you that they aren't worth your time or worry x

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Paula (19-11-15),selena (18-11-15)

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## selena

I'm so exhausted that I was nearly falling on my way home!

About dating, just a little question for those who can answer. How much time should pass before you give your FB ( let's say additional one) and/or skype to a man who seems to share common values?

Just doesn't want to hurry things up.

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## Suzi

Share that kind of information when you want to. I don't think that there is a set time?

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## selena

> Share that kind of information when you want to. I don't think that there is a set time?


So do I, but of these guys seem so impatient, like they have never seen women before.

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## Paula

Then they're out for one thing. Ignore them

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## Suzi

Totally agree with Paula!

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## mitz

> I'm so exhausted that I was nearly falling on my way home!
> 
> About dating, just a little question for those who can answer. How much time should pass before you give your FB ( let's say additional one) and/or skype to a man who seems to share common values?
> 
> Just doesn't want to hurry things up.


don't do either; you are already communicating online, that is what the website is for., so what's the point in giving out extra personal online information to strangers? you have to meet up with people for a coffee or something, after communicating on the website for a while, to know if there is any future.

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selena (20-11-15)

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## selena

Finally the end of the week, I've had a real torture with translation of some judicial documents into French!

Thank you, mitz, I've just got little lost in the big wood of online dating.

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## selena

And there's another reason for sadness. I've met an apparently normal guy online, but a woman told me that men of this ethnicity are not to trust and I should cut everything. I don't give all information, just finding out about 'love rats'. I really hesitate what to do next.

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## Suzi

I think it's incredibly racist of that woman to state that "men of his ethnicity aren't to trust!" You get good and not so good men, women and children of every ethnicity!

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selena (20-11-15)

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## rose

Trust your gut instinct. Do not hand out Skype or any other info if you don't want to. 
If you want to do Skype, then perhaps set up a separate account for anyone you meet online. Be prepared that some guys will seem normal and then become inappropriate on Skype.

Regarding the guy you think is nice.... well, if he is then he is nice. I notice some of your friends say some incredibly judgemental things! But I would try to meet someone who lives near you, so you can easily meet up if you want to.

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selena (21-11-15)

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## selena

Yes, and they are not real friends by the way. It's sad that I trusted them before.

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## selena

I know some of people will probably be laughing, but I cried when I received some messages from good guys.

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## selena

I think I should probably slow things down. I'm exhausted at work,too 'excited' with this new dating proposals for me and I'm tired of all remarks of so called friends...

I'm feeling how my soul is filling with anxiety and eternal sadness...

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## Paula

> I know some of people will probably be laughing, but I cried when I received some messages from good guys.


No ones laughing, I've seen friends go through similar things.  Are you able to see online dating as fun - you may be able to relax more?

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selena (21-11-15)

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## selena

> No ones laughing, I've seen friends go through similar things.  Are you able to see online dating as fun - you may be able to relax more?


Yes, ok. The thing is that some men go wild, like they've never seen women before.

Just imagine, someone asked me if I could spend a night with him. I said no, it's too soon for me. He apologised, at least he was sincere.

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## Paula

> Yes, ok. The thing is that some men go wild, like they've never seen women before.
> 
> Just imagine, someone asked me if I could spend a night with him. I said no, it's too soon for me. He apologised, at least he was sincere.


No hunni, he wasn't sincere. If he was sincere he wouldn't have asked you to spend the night with him when you don't know him. He was pretending to be sincere so you'd think he was ok.

My hubby once told me not to believe a single word a man says (until he's proved you can trust him) because the chances are that the majority are 'only trying to get into your knickers'.  It's a wide statement that isn't true, of course, but his point was that women need to protect their emotions because sometimes you will find a man who will say anything and it's best to be prepared. 

There are many, many decent men out there, lovely, but those who want to spend a night with you without even meeting you are not decent, whatever they say

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selena (21-11-15)

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## Suzi

Definitely not laughing love...

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## selena

I'm a little annoyed because I have only one photo posted on my profile. It is clear, but it's only face photo. They ask for more photos and FB. Actually I do not have more photos, they don't know anything about my 'inability' to look straight in the mirror and anxiety related to PCOS. I don't have camera and I donţt know what to do.

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## Suzi

Then say not at the moment!

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selena (22-11-15)

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## selena

I've said not.

Actually I've got a little bit excited and anxious about what has recently happened.

I received many proposals on dating sites, I was ready to ask what they found out in me, but preferrred to stay quite. And even some proposals from different countries and I'm a little nervous while answering.

And now about some strange moments:
1. I've discovered a married man pretending that he is single.

2. A man asked me if I'm virgin, I did not answer his question.

3. Some 'one -night stand ' proposals.

4. An obsessive man who told me to talk only to him, he's blocked.

Nearly all of them asking for my skype or FB.

And the most important - apparently there is a serious normal guy, but I don't trust him either. Really I don't want to suffer so I told him not to hurry the things up.

And among all the chaos: today my estranged father called me and told me that I'm his beloved daughter...

I've done two little translations, so not so much spare time for me today.

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## Suzi

How do you feel about the call from your father? 
Why did you do the translations?

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## selena

> How do you feel about the call from your father? 
> Why did you do the translations?


Strange, but it was a good feeling. I've always suffered because of absence of father in my life. It left a certain empty space in my soul. I've had a stepfather who tried to harass me and I've always needed a man on whose shoulder I can cry, who I can trust. I've forgiven my father,but  he is still a stranger for me.

I wanted to do them on Saturday, but I just did not realize how tired I was.

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## Suzi

But aren't they work translations? You aren't paid to work over the weekend are you? 

I think you're handling the minefield of online introductions really, really well.

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selena (22-11-15)

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## selena

> But aren't they work translations? You aren't paid to work over the weekend are you? 
> 
> I think you're handling the minefield of online introductions really, really well.


No and I don't know how to talk to my boss, because I'm getting anxious.

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## Suzi

Oh hunni! Remember, you are a brilliant and wonderful person. Talk to her. Tell her that your workload is too much.

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selena (22-11-15)

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## selena

I am due to confess something - I'm caught again in depression mares and that's all because of the latest pressure on me. And I'm feeling the lumps again, it's probably nerves or I don't know. I'm struggling not to cry, I can't cope with all this work because I do also have manager duties. Today I stood up to one very insistent manager who wanted me to translate  10 pages+ in out of work time. I explained her that I should go to the doctor, she proposed me to work after medical procedures in the evening, just imagine! And she does not even do any translation work. But this time I stood up for myself, she is always having a good sleep while I'm already feeling exhausted and exploited.

With dating...I don't understand anything... I put only one photo of my face and got some proposals, and from men from different countries. Now I'm hesitating because they haven't seen my body and on skype, 'once they see me they run' because I'm not skinny or exactly average. I'm probably getting insane. And there is a young man who apparently wants something serious, although he wanted something else before. We've got friendly, but I don't know, I can't trust anyone. And besides he's of different culture and religion. That's not an obstacle but I just don't know their mentality. Sometimes I feel he cares about me, last time he asked if I could ever consider marriage to a person of different ethnicity and race. I'm feeling that he likes me and that's reciprocal feeling, but I hesitate. I'm not going crazy about, just like him.

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## rose

Well done for standing up to them. That's absolutely disgraceful asking you to work evenings when you already do 5.5 days a week. Speak to the manager and say you have enough translations to do without everything else you're being given. It sounds as if she is desperate to keep you so you have the upper hand.

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selena (24-11-15)

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## Suzi

I completely agree! Your "out of work" hours are just that - so you DON'T keep working! No one would be able to cope with all that you are asked to do! 

With regard to that guy - sweetheart, there really isn't any rush. Don't settle for something that is "OK". You deserve to feel like a princess!

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selena (24-11-15)

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## selena

> I completely agree! Your "out of work" hours are just that - so you DON'T keep working! No one would be able to cope with all that you are asked to do! 
> 
> With regard to that guy - sweetheart, there really isn't any rush. Don't settle for something that is "OK". You deserve to feel like a princess!


I'm afraid because first he was interested in a night, then he said that he is interested in something more, but I don't want to hurry the things.

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## Paula

Hunni, I hope I'm wrong but he asked you for the night, which you said no to.  So he seems to have changed tack to telling you he wants long term.  Please make very, very sure that he's not just playing a game

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selena (24-11-15)

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## selena

I told him that I need time and he should be patient.

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## Suzi

Well said!

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## selena

And just imagine, one of them proposed to sleep in the same bed like brother ans sister and that he won't touch me. Did he think that I am so naive?

A colleague told me that I should not consider dating a man unless he has undergraduate or postgraduate level, saying that I should not date a sanitary technician or something like. That hurt me because I believe it does not matter so much.

At work quite, now again a serious translation supposed to be finished in two weeks.

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## Suzi

I think you should date who you want to date!

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selena (25-11-15)

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## Paula

Absolutely agree! And I think you're being brilliant dealing with these men  :):

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selena (25-11-15)

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## selena

I'm sad because I'm feeling the lumps again.

I'm already exhausted and need a holiday.

And I'm sad because the guy who I liked began to lose his interest after I said that I can't go to his country now.

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## Suzi

If he's losing interest for that reason then he's not the right one and certainly doesn't deserve you!

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selena (26-11-15)

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## selena

Yes, Suzi, but it's so sad, I know that's stupid but I'm nearly crying.

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## Suzi

Not stupid at all. You are worth more than these men....

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selena (26-11-15)

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## Paula

What are the lumps, hunni?

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## selena

> What are the lumps, hunni?


I'm feeling them in neck.

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## Paula

Have you had them checked out?

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## selena

> Have you had them checked out?


Yes, but not in cancer center.I'm afraid.

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## Paula

Sweetheart, they would have sent you to the cancer centre if they had any doubts. And, from what you've said, they go up and down. Cancer doesn't do that. Ever.

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selena (26-11-15)

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## selena

Here is ok.

A serious client liked my translation and my boss wants me to translate more and in different languages. Sincerely I doubt about translating psychogical text into French, here it is better to take native speaker or at least editor, but there is no editor.
And the last, I'm feeling a little unhappy as I've received only little amount of money for such a serious work. A lot of it went into my boss's pocket.
However, I like this kind of translation and I'm happy to have accomplished a serious work. I found profile of author who liked  what I did and I wish my name would have been mentioned, I wish to include this work in my portfolio.

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## rose

Do you not have an agreed salary yet?

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## selena

There is an agreed salary. The thing is that the salary for manager duties is fixed, while price for translations varies and here it's a 'vixen' game. I've heard that my boss got from client around 300$, but I've barely got 30.

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## rose

If you continue to take on such work then perhaps you should ask for a salary review. It does sound rather unfair but remember your boss has overheads such as the office, other workers etc.

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selena (27-11-15)

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## selena

Yes, I've thought about it but want to wait until I pass my exam in late spring.

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## Suzi

Just don't take on too much for too little pay lovely.

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selena (28-11-15)

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## selena

I'm a little disappointed after a yesterday discussion with the man on dating site.

I put it down here:
He:So you won't be coming to my country? 
Me: No, not now.
He: If your colleagues do not come, you can come by yourself. Pay for trip.
Me: I don't have the money ( and it's true now).
He: So that's just how it is. I can pay if it's ok for me.
Me:Ok, I'll check it. It's about 400 $ both directions. ( Of course I won't come so suddenly because I can't trust him yet).
He: No, it's too expensive for me. I'm sorry. 
Me: I'm afraid I won't come first anyway because of all situation. Maybe you can come first.
He: I'm afraid I can't. But if I paid, you would come?
Me: I'm afraid no.
He: Then we're just losing time. But I want to chat with you and know you better.

And this man invited me earlier to his brother's place ( he is married) if I ever come. And said that he could have a job in France and pay for rent. I hate these discussions about money but I don't understand anything.

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## Suzi

What a weird man! I am so glad you said no!

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## selena

Yes, it's strange from his part to invite me to stay at his place and then say good-bye, or what?

I'm not at all about the money, but that sounds too strange for me. I've told him it's ok, he's adult and if he wants to see me he will find a way.

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## Paula

Well handled, lovely

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selena (28-11-15)

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## Jaquaia

I've not really kept up with anything on here as the last few weeks have been so rough on me, my apologies.

I just wanted to say, it doesn't matter if you are overweight Selena. I am massively so! If men are worth it, they will think you're beautiful no matter what you look like and they will not care what dress size you wear. A lot of men actually like a bigger woman; I am on another site, which I won't discuss here, that has shown me that bigger women can be incredibly sexy and beautiful and there are many men that share that view. I currently have a very attractive Greek guy interested in me. We can talk for hours, and about everything; books, movies, art, music. He values my intelligence, he always tells me that I am beautiful and he is planning on coming to see me. It may not happen, but I am loving feeling wanted and beautiful after so long of being told that I am neither. The right man will come along and he will see you for who you are, an intelligent, lovely and warm person. He will worship you and treat you like a princess and that will be what you deserve.

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Paula (28-11-15),selena (28-11-15)

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## Paula

:(clap):  Jaq

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Jaquaia (28-11-15)

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## selena

Thank you, Jaq, it's a great support.

I wish you all the best too!

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Jaquaia (28-11-15)

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## selena

I'm afraid I have done nothing good today. No translation I mean, I've been just relaxing.

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## Jaquaia

So? Sometimes you need to spend time just doing things for you, whether that is reading, watching films or just sitting and relaxing. If you feel better for just relaxing then I think it has been a very good day!

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selena (28-11-15)

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## Paula

I think that's a good thing  :):

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selena (28-11-15)

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## OldMike

> I'm afraid I have done nothing good today. No translation I mean, I've been just relaxing.


Relaxing is good whether it's computer gaming, listening to music, doing a crossword or just chillin'.

Listening to classical music and falling asleep in a chair is all I've done today.

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selena (28-11-15)

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## Suzi

Good for you!!

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selena (28-11-15)

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## selena

I would like to ask for your opinion. Not about my weight this time, about my present not very brilliant financial situation. Could this turn men off?

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## rose

I think its none of their business about your financial situation, not right now anyway. I also think you should concentrate on meeting with people that live near you. I don't think I like the idea of you going to another country to meet a man you've never met before.

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## selena

So do I, and  this question was rather unexpected and that I should pay trip myself in order to see him immediately.

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## rose

That's just weird Selena. What dating site are you using?

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## selena

Ok cupid, e-harmony international, connectingsingles.

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## selena

I'll tell about my other fear.

A lot of guys ask for my facebook or skype. Of course I won't give it immediately.

BUT! A lot of years ago, when I started gaining weight, I lost all my confidence and never decided to built a profile again. I have nearly no photos and a little bit professional account without photos. So, I give them my FB and there there are no photos...What should I do?

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## OldMike

> I would like to ask for your opinion. Not about my weight this time, about my present not very brilliant financial situation. Could this turn men off?


Your financial situation should no come into the equation. If a guy only want's a relationship with someone who owns property or has a big bank balance that guy isn't worth having.

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selena (28-11-15)

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## rose

Take some selfies Selena. Do your hair and makeup and take some photos. 
I am still concerned you are meeting a lot of people online who don't live near you and are expecting a lot immediately, I don't have a solution but I would urge you to be very careful.

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selena (28-11-15)

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## selena

It will be difficult for me.

I try to be very careful.

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## OldMike

> Take some selfies Selena. Do your hair and makeup and take some photos. 
> I am still concerned you are meeting a lot of people online who don't live near you and are expecting a lot immediately, I don't have a solution but I would urge you to be very careful.


I can only echo Rose be extremely careful. I've known of a couple of cases where people have met using a dating site connected to a classical radio station here in the uk and they've ended up getting married so it can work.

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selena (28-11-15)

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## Hugo-agogo

> So do I, and  this question was rather unexpected and that I should pay trip myself in order to see him immediately.


Wow! Who does he think he is?! Definitely avoid.

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selena (28-11-15)

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## selena

Thanks, Hugo, and that's not all.


Last discussion, his suggestion:" We'll do this way:talk through skype, if we go on, you come to my country, then we'll marry and leave safely for your country."

Although I posted clearly my photo on dating site, I'm afraid to talk on camera with any guy because face is usually getting worse on camera. Or maybe is it just in my mind?

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## Jaquaia

Be very careful. Reading that my first thought is that he is after a visa.

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Paula (29-11-15),selena (29-11-15)

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## rose

> Be very careful. Reading that my first thought is that he is after a visa.


Yep, I think that too. I am really not sure about the men you are meeting on these sites.
What about trying a speed-dating night in your local area?

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## selena

> Yep, I think that too. I am really not sure about the men you are meeting on these sites.
> What about trying a speed-dating night in your local area?


It's not bad idea, but I'm not in my country now, but I could try anyway, just have to get some information.

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## Paula

> Be very careful. Reading that my first thought is that he is after a visa.


That does sound like it

----------


## rose

> It's not bad idea, but I'm not in my country now, but I could try anyway, just have to get some information.


Are you living abroad from your home country? I meant to try speed dating wherever you are living now.

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## Suzi

Just keep being careful lovely.

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selena (29-11-15)

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## selena

Yes, currently abroad.

----------


## selena

Today I have been so distracted, I've got till the door of my office and realized that I  forgot the keys. And had to return back home.

----------


## Jaquaia

We all have days like that. Don't worry about it   :Panda:

----------

selena (30-11-15)

----------


## selena

And the office where I'm working is rather cold, I've been coughing all the last time and I don't like it.

I'm not feeling well and I'm actually afraid of serious illness and death. That's stupid, I know, but that's the way I'm feeling.

----------


## OldMike

> And the office where I'm working is rather cold, I've been coughing all the last time and I don't like it.
> 
> I'm not feeling well and I'm actually afraid of serious illness and death. That's stupid, I know, but that's the way I'm feeling.


I don't like cold rooms either. I' much prefer to be cosy and warm. Maybe a hint to your boss may get the heating raised a couple of degrees.

----------


## Suzi

I really hope that your day has been better and warmer!

----------


## selena

A lot of work, otherwise it's ok.

I was so afraid of working reunions at the beginning, today I'm afraid a little too, but my boss has actually praised me.

About online dating...I hate when I realize that I'm getting too much attached to a guy.

----------

Suzi (02-12-15)

----------


## selena

It's everything more or less, but these days I'm really afraid of having cancer, because I've read about some symptoms that could be related...

----------


## OldMike

> It's everything more or less, but these days I'm really afraid of having cancer, because I've read about some symptoms that could be related...


If you've got symptoms that may relate to cancer see your doctor straight away.

If you've no symptoms and are just worried about what may happened in the future, then don't try to second guess what may or may not happen in the future.

----------

selena (03-12-15)

----------


## Suzi

Selena, if you read about things and then almost make those symptoms fit you it can be so hard to deal with. The same with terrorism etc.. Whilst it's good to be alert the chances of anything happening to you is so statistically unlikely.... 

If you have any symptoms then you should go and talk things over with your Dr, but it doesn't mean it's the worst case scenario..

----------

selena (03-12-15)

----------


## selena

> If you've got symptoms that may relate to cancer see your doctor straight away.
> 
> If you've no symptoms and are just worried about what may happened in the future, then don't try to second guess what may or may not happen in the future.


I have some symptoms that are bothering me, but I'm afraid to get a check.

----------


## rose

Selena, you had those bumps checked out and you were told there was nothing to worry about.
Perhaps you should see your doctor again, but this time explain how anxious you are about it?
There is such a thing as 'Health Anxiety', here is some info about it: https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/get-hel...ealth-anxiety/
I am not a doctor or medically trained so its something you need to discuss with a professional.

----------

selena (03-12-15)

----------


## selena

I have not done all necessary analysis.

And there is something more, actually a little bleeding and I'm really worried....

----------


## Suzi

Have you been to see your dr? IF not then get an appointment asap.

----------


## selena

Not yet.

----------


## OldMike

> I have not done all necessary analysis.
> 
> And there is something more, actually a little bleeding and I'm really worried....


Selena please see a doctor ASAP as any unexplained bleeding needs sorting right away.

----------


## Paula

Hunni, where's the bleeding from? And how much?

----------


## selena

I think rectal, and the most tragic is that there is no apparent cause, I've never had any kind of anal intercourse or disorder, and in the end I've found on web info about bowel cancer connected to this kind of disorder. It has not been much but enough to worry and I'm really worried...Today and yesterday I didn't have any problems, but...

Somewhere I read about stress connected things.

Today I've had a ' crazy' client, who wanted just to argue about nothing and wanted not to pay anything. At the end she has said that she does not like policy of company and will  continue to argue. And my boss will eat me out without any reason. I'm tired of everything, and have to finish a very serious translation of medical site, but I won't manage to do it right by next week, it's too short period.

----------


## rose

That could be something as common and easily treatable as hemorrhoids (piles).
Please see your doctor but its very unlikely to be cancer.

----------

selena (04-12-15)

----------


## selena

I'll try to overcome my fears and get an appointment with a doctor.

And stress...if  only I find the way not to get easily hurt by others.

----------


## Suzi

Definitely see your Dr. I'm sure it's nothing serious x

----------


## rose

You are imagining the absolute worst, knowing the truth must be better than seeing the doctor? It could be nothing serious at all...

----------


## selena

In my family history there are cancer cases, although a few.

----------


## Paula

> In my family history there are cancer cases, although a few.


Probably in most families there's cancer. My aunt had bowel cancer with secondaries (and survived). I spoke to a bowel cancer nurse and she said that, even though I'm overweight, my chances of having bowel cancer even with family history was slim.

Is the blood bright red or dark red?

----------


## selena

Bright red I think.

----------


## Paula

That's a good sign apparently - see your dr, but don't worry

----------


## selena

Ok, and besides I don't know how to learn not to get by other people.

On dating site these guys are ok, but they are not psychologists to listen everything.

----------


## selena

Dating thing again. I need some advice. 

Some weeks ago I met on an international dating site - an apparently nice guy. I was due to make a short working trip to his country, but it was later postponed by my boss. He was very excited by first news, but then got cold. He asked if I could come by myself, I can't and he said that he would have paid ticket price for me, around 300 Euros, but now it's too much for him. He worked some years ago in France and assured that he could receive working visa again and have a family. I don't understand his point of view anymore.

Now I don't have much desire to talk to him on skype, he seems cold. Is it too difficult for a young man to visit a woman he likes?

He seems distant and barely replies to my messages on dating site.

----------


## Samantha340

Just from reading your last post I would say stay away. It doesn't sound right to me. Have you talked to him on the phone or so? Where is he located? How long have you been in contact?

----------


## selena

No, not yet, only on dating site. Tunisia. About 3 weeks.

----------


## Jaquaia

I would stay away. Something doesn't sound right there.

I am currently starting something with a Greek guy. We met online, we hit it off and there seems to be a special connection between us.  We message every day, we video chat everyday, sometimes a few times a day. We talk about everything, books, music, films, art, and we have a lot in common. I tell him about my life and he tells me about his. We ask each other questions, wanting to know more about each other. And although we both really want to meet in person he is not pressuring me and is willing to be patient until he can come here as he thinks I'm worth waiting for. I think that's what it should be like. The way he seems to be pressuring you and then getting moody because you don't give in sounds very dodgy! There must be something warning you if you don't really want to talk with him on skype. Trust your instinct.

----------

selena (06-12-15)

----------


## selena

> I would stay away. Something doesn't sound right there.
> 
> I am currently starting something with a Greek guy. We met online, we hit it off and there seems to be a special connection between us.  We message every day, we video chat everyday, sometimes a few times a day. We talk about everything, books, music, films, art, and we have a lot in common. I tell him about my life and he tells me about his. We ask each other questions, wanting to know more about each other. And although we both really want to meet in person he is not pressuring me and is willing to be patient until he can come here as he thinks I'm worth waiting for. I think that's what it should be like. The way he seems to be pressuring you and then getting moody because you don't give in sounds very dodgy! There must be something warning you if you don't really want to talk with him on skype. Trust your instinct.


Thank you.

May I ask you, if you do not mind, how much time has been passed before you start speaking on camera?

----------


## Jaquaia

We started speaking on camera within a few days. He's a very clever guy and he intrigued me. He sometimes finds it easier as he sometimes struggles with english and I find it lets me read his face so I can see if he's lying or not.

----------

selena (06-12-15)

----------


## OldMike

> We started speaking on camera within a few days. He's a very clever guy and he intrigued me. He sometimes finds it easier as he sometimes struggles with english and I find it lets me read his face so I can see if he's lying or not.


Sorry to butt in Jaquaia but can you really tell if someone's lying just by looking at them?

As for dating sites being single and 68 years old all I can add is be very careful.

----------

selena (06-12-15)

----------


## Jaquaia

I believe that you can. Some people are very good liars but some give themselves away. I'm a terrible liar, everyone can tell I'm lying just by looking at me. You have certain tells. 

And I'm always careful. I've been treated appallingly in the past so never really trust anyone straight away.

----------


## OldMike

> I believe that you can. Some people are very good liars but some give themselves away. I'm a terrible liar, everyone can tell I'm lying just by looking at me. You have certain tells. 
> 
> And I'm always careful. I've been treated appallingly in the past so never really trust anyone straight away.


I was thinking about tells, you're probably more perceptive than me.

----------


## Suzi

I think you can too  :O:  

Selena - I don't think anyone should ever pressure someone into doing something they aren't comfortable with.

----------

selena (06-12-15)

----------


## selena

Yes, I've told him that he should be more patient.

The thing is that I become soon attached with a man I like, although I'm trying not to show my real feelings.

----------


## Jaquaia

I think whenever you liike someone there is always an element of attachment there. You will know what feels right to you. If you don't have any desire to skype with this guy then he is definitely not right.

----------

selena (06-12-15)

----------


## Suzi

Do you want to skype him?

----------


## selena

Yes, I think of it.

----------


## Suzi

Then do it. If it's something that you really want to do then you should do it.

----------

selena (06-12-15)

----------


## selena

Yes, thanks for advice.

Now for me the most difficult is work. My boss wants me to do everything and on time. About two weeks ago she gave me a serious medical translation to do in two weeks ( 39 pages!). Meantime I haven't worked last holidays because I got really tired. In working hours I have been given other little translations that took my time and also my duties of office manager. I can't cope with everything!
The last week two quick translations made by other translators were on the point to be rejected. The boss got it, but I'm afraid she put pressure on me again to finish it by next week.

And also on last Friday I had a terrible ' little crazy' client who wants everyone to be her servant.

And I really don't know how to cope with everything, I'm getting too anxious and, sincerely, I don't want to work home systematically as I barely get some rest.

----------


## rose

Trust your gut instinct Selena. If something seems wrong or makes you feel uncomfortable, he is not the man for you.
When its the right guy, you won't even need to ask our opinion, you will just know!
Anyone talking about marriage and babies and meeting up (from a different country) in the first messages is to be avoided, in my opinion.

----------

selena (06-12-15),Suzi (06-12-15)

----------


## Suzi

You need to address this issue with your boss. You shouldn't be expected to work every evening and weekend.

----------

rose (07-12-15),selena (06-12-15)

----------


## selena

The thing is that I don't understand his behaviour anymore. He was waiting for me to come, later when he found out that I would not come he became cold and distant. He barely replies to my messages and I don't know what to think. I asked him about the reason, he said he is not in the mood.

----------


## rose

Then leave it, he doesn't sound very nice. Its not your fault the work trip fell through. Besides, the way your boss is, its unlikely you'd get a chance to socialise anyway!

----------

purplefan (07-12-15)

----------


## selena

My 'guy' has apparently disappeared, probably no interest, because no sex or money from my part, like some women on other forum said.

Maybe it's better.

----------


## OldMike

> My 'guy' has apparently disappeared, probably no interest, because no sex or money from my part, like some women on other forum said.
> 
> Maybe it's better.


Hi Selena if this guy was only interested in sex or money then you're better without him.

----------

selena (08-12-15)

----------


## rose

I think it's for the best. What can you do in your local area to meet new people?

----------


## selena

Maybe go to a club, but if only I have some free time...

I know you're right, however sometimes this stupid thought comes to my mind " What have I done wrong?"

But he was not right either, he wanted that I would come to his country, not him to mine.

----------


## Suzi

Definitely nothing you've done. Maybe you are hanging around the wrong places to meet people lovely...

----------

selena (08-12-15)

----------


## selena

I'll continue with online dating, but will to take it easier, like a fun. 

I'm again anxious with my work, I've told my boss earlier that I will finish a serious translation in 3 weeks, what if she puts pressure on me tomorrow?

----------


## Suzi

If you can't do it all in the time at work then you are being given too much to do lovely..

----------


## selena

I don't remember the last time I saw a movie or tv show, or simply read a book.

----------


## OldMike

The only shows I watch on TV are quiz shows. sometimes if there's a mystery series on the afternoon I'll watch that.

----------


## selena

Yes, but I'm so fed up of my work...although I actually liked it.

----------


## rose

Are you perhaps fed up with the quantity? You seem to be doing way more hours than you are paid for....

----------


## selena

Yes, that's right...

----------


## rose

You've got to talk to the boss Selena. Its not fair on you.

----------


## selena

It's really difficult to takl to her, but I should give it a try again.

----------


## Suzi

You need to talk to them or you could put in a bill for her to pay you the extra hours you work too! lol

----------


## selena

I'm actually very nervous and hope to get safe until Christmas. My boss had some pretentions to me again and I'm beginning to be afraid of getting publicly offended by her, as I'm too fragile to cope with everything in presence of other people.

I want to keep my emotional mood safe so I've decided not to come this week's working reunion.

I've had a big translation to do, she has given other work and also my duties of manager, so I can't cope with 40 pages in two weeks. I have to translate 14 more pages, I'll get anxious if she hurries me, I get client's need but I've told her sincerely that I can't cope with everything by myself.

----------


## rose

Did you say to her 'This is too much work'?

----------


## selena

Yes, she said that she gets but I should anyway hurry up.

----------


## selena

What else? Today has been to church and put candle for everyone. Your words have given to me a great support.

It was hard for me to get out because I was not in the mood, but I did it.

----------


## Paula

Well done, lovely

----------


## Suzi

You're doing brilliantly lovely...

----------

selena (13-12-15)

----------


## selena

Thanks, Suzi, but God help me to resist, I can't anymore!

----------


## selena

I'm feeling so lonely and low, nobody even cares how  I'm feeling...but that's just life, sometimes people around us can be indifferent ( not simply busy).

When I see slender women without being on diet, I just wonder how such perfect methabolism can exist.

And, yes, Suzy, your words about trying to accept have been really helping me...

Feeling Christmas spirit and hope my work will be accepted like previous ones...

I want to communicate on skype with somebody there, but can't really trust anyone.

----------

Suzi (17-12-15)

----------


## Paula

I care  :(bear):

----------

selena (17-12-15)

----------


## Jaquaia

:Panda:

----------

selena (17-12-15)

----------


## Suzi

I'm another one who cares  :(bear): .

----------

selena (17-12-15)

----------


## April_is_beautiful

Hi Selena,  just read all of your thread. Sorry to hear about what you are going through. Your boss actually sounds like a psychopath/someone with narcissistic personality disorder.

----------

selena (17-12-15)

----------


## selena

Thank you for kind words, to all of you.

Actually I'm a little anxious because tomorrow is the deadline - I should send an important work, 40 pages of medical text done in 3 weeks. My boss wanted me to do it faster but I couldn't because I neeeded some rest, and besides she has given me additional work that had taken my time. Now I'm afraid of quality etc.

And the last, I was told that on the site there is female corner. If that's so, Suzi could you please add me to it?

----------


## OldMike

Hi Selena, in the "Forum Updates and Help" section there's a "Private Sections" post with a list of the private sections, just PM Suzi with which one you want to join and she'll add you.

----------

selena (17-12-15),Suzi (17-12-15)

----------


## Suzi

I've just added you to that group Selena. There is a "role call thread" where you need to sign in to say you have access to the group please.

----------

selena (18-12-15)

----------


## selena

I've handed my translation today, and I can easily breathe.

Now I should stand up not to get any work on Christmas.

----------

Paula (18-12-15)

----------


## selena

Ups, I can't find Private ladies section here.

----------


## Paula

It's called Women only

----------

selena (18-12-15)

----------


## selena

Like I've mentioned before, I really wanted to chat with someone on friendly basys on skype. But I want to know someone better before I do this step.

1. The man I've been interested in for some time didn't answer and probably block every young woman without even looking at her profile.

2. The other one asked me directly to sleep with him.

3. The third one is not bad and calm, I get his frustration that he wants to see more photos of mine. And I really want to talk to him on skype. But sometimes when he's online he does not reply so fast and then tells me it was just connection, he was busy and he replies at last. Should I tell him about my feelings?

4. The fourt said that his religion is correct.

There are others, but that just does not matter.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  hunni..

----------

selena (19-12-15)

----------


## April_is_beautiful

Hi Selena, I'm a seasoned online dating website user and have concluded that although it's supposed to make meeting people easier (it does in a way) it is not an answer to finding a relationship/marriage because the guys on there are mostly misrepresenting themselves and putting things on their profile that they think women want to hear. 

I met a guy for a few dates in 2007 and we chatted over the phone for ages and he was really sweet. Said he was 32 and 5'8" but this turned out not to be true and there's a whole story around this but would take too long to type out. Anyway, I went on a website recently and to my horror I was matched with him again and lo, apparently he was still 32 after all these years. What a miracle! I blocked him and left the website. I'd say about 5% of those I met were compatible but though I tried I just didn't have any chemistry with them. I know people who met their husbands online and I honestly don't know how they did it so it can be possible. 

I've now joined a more niche website which seems to be a bit better though the people that seem to be OK are not in my geographical area which will make things difficult. I also date under a different name and have a separate pay as you go number as I've had stalkers in the past. 

I met my previous partner through a professional dating agency which was expensive but on the whole I did get a better kind of man through it. However, I've found it was the same pattern repeating itself that the guy puts a mask on and basically 'acts' to get what he wants. If I'm honest with myself I probably did get some red flags but felt the other nice stuff at the time balanced it out. I am apparently what is classed as 'attractive' and tend to attract men with some level of narcisstic personality disorder as I'm probably a trophy for them. I'm a bit wiser to it now and know what to look for on profiles to avoid them. Often their profile will read like a resume of achievements and they'll seem perfect, I avoid financially successful men now. I also ask questions like "when was the last time you made a mistake?" as a narcissist has a hard time answering that question as it challenges his or her perfect self-image. 

My piece of advice for myself and for others would be to be really strict with your boundaries. If someone is being pushy for an outcome, thinks they are "right" or just does something which doesn't sit quite right then LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION.

----------

Jaquaia (20-12-15),OldMike (19-12-15),rose (20-12-15),selena (19-12-15),Suzi (19-12-15)

----------


## selena

I'll listen to it but I'm a little tired of online dating, although I would want so much to give it a try on skype.

But I want to know the man better before I give him my FB.

----------


## April_is_beautiful

> I'll listen to it but I'm a little tired of online dating, although I would want so much to give it a try on skype.
> 
> But I want to know the man better before I give him my FB.


I've been reading Evan Marckatz's blog recently. He has a really positive attitude to online dating. I don't agree with everything he says but I've definitely had some insights.

http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/

----------

selena (20-12-15)

----------


## selena

Today has been apparently good day.

Talked to a woman who was angry with my boss. But this discussion hasn't brought anything, it really hurt my feelings. She told me something about her life and she kept on saying that other people deserve the worst and should be punished by God. She knows nothing about me, but the idea of 'meritology' has hurt some of my old wounds.

----------


## Suzi

I'm not surprised you are hurt.. I'm sad that she felt it was OK to do that..

----------


## selena

There's a thing that's getting on my nerves.

There's an apparently nice guy on dating. I understand that he wants more photos and skype, but I can't understand why after starting our discussion, he simply vanishes and does his thing without answering or at least saying 'good bye'. Maybe I'm not right and want them to be too perfect.

----------


## April_is_beautiful

That's called 'ghosting' when people cease communication in the hope you will go away because they are incapable of /unwilling to be straight with you.  It's a sad fact of our modern culture.

Also, there's too much choice on the big dating sites, people just move onto the next person as they are always on the look out for 'something better' 'more convenient'. I think many people also have unrealistic expectations. I got chatting with a guy once, he seemed really interested then he found out I lived south of the city and he was in the north part of the city. He was unwilling to travel say 20 minutes to meet me. It's like he didn't want to put any effort in and expected me just to rock up in a négligée on his doorstep.  :(:

----------

selena (23-12-15)

----------


## Paula

> There's a thing that's getting on my nerves.
> 
> There's an apparently nice guy on dating. I understand that he wants more photos and skype, but I can't understand why after starting our discussion, he simply vanishes and does his thing without answering or at least saying 'good bye'. Maybe I'm not right and want them to be too perfect.


You are right, lovely, if nothing else it's simple manners. You matter, and he should treat you like you matter  :(bear):

----------

selena (23-12-15)

----------


## Suzi

Then sweetheart move on from him. He's not good enough for you.

----------

selena (23-12-15)

----------


## selena

Thank you to all, it really helped me.

Just a question: if I really want to try to communicate on skype, should I do it? I mean he has maybe lost any interest and I'm becoming too insistent.

----------


## selena

And once again, should I tell this kind of guy directly that he has to respect a little of my schedule?

----------


## Suzi

If you want to then yes. But not if you don't want to. 
Yes this man should respect your schedule!

----------

selena (23-12-15)

----------


## selena

And how should I tell someone I more or less like that I'm ready to talk on skype?

Lol, what kind of stupidities I'm writing, but that's it...

----------


## Suzi

It's not stupidity at all! 
Just tell them!

----------

selena (23-12-15)

----------


## rose

Don't let anyone push you into something you don't want to do Selena. I always say that the right relationship just feels right.

----------

selena (23-12-15)

----------


## selena

If only I'll be more confident and tell them directly some things.

Also a simple situation: I used to chat with a man on dating site, he seemed nice. Then he lost a lttle interest when I said I need some time. I get he wants more photos of me and skype, but I don't get his way of vanishing either.

Should I tell him about this?

----------


## rose

If you are still talking, then hopefully the relationship and trust should grow between you and you can talk about anything eventually.
If you haven't heard anything from him for a while, then I would leave it, or just send a simple message saying hi, maybe?
I am a bit concerned about the relationships you are forming, they seem to be very fast, formal..? I am not sure, just something doesn't seem right.
I've met guys online, connected through chatting, and then agreed to meet (or not!!!!) But it was all quite informal, fun and natural.

----------

selena (23-12-15)

----------


## selena

Yes, Rose, that's right.

No, we more or less contact. The thing is that is really difficult to build a relation with a person of different religion.

He says he is tolerant but he simply understands only his philosophy and values.

----------


## rose

If your religion is important to you, then its very important your future partner respects your religious beliefs.
I am Church Of England (Protestant) and my boyfriend is Catholic. We sometimes tease each other that the other isn't the 'real faith' but its all in jest. We are both proud to be Christian, and proud to be the type of Christian that we are.

I don't think its an intolerant view to want your partner to be the same religion, if religion is important to you. After all, if you marry you may want to marry in church, and how you bring up your children would be effected too.

I honestly think that meeting people who live close to you, so you can date without pressure, and spend time getting to know each other in real life, is the best way. But that is just my opinion.

----------

OldMike (23-12-15),selena (23-12-15)

----------


## selena

I wish I would be back in Latvia now...And yes, sometimes cultural differences have a great role.

When both are Christians it's ok, but if he comes from totally different background then it's even more difficult.

----------


## rose

Do you mind me asking, if you are not in Latvia, where you are living now?

----------


## selena

Ukraine (mostly), closer to Romania, but I'm feeling here worse than in Latvia.

----------


## selena

It's Christmas here and I don't want to break special spirit.

But I got really upset after yesterday's discussion on dating site.

He told me about a specific holiday.

Me:In two days we ( not him, Christians) will celebrate Christmas. ( I've explained that in christianity Jesus is God's son and even God).
He: Yes, but he can't be your God. God is only one.
Me: ( I've explained that in christianity he is considered God's son).
He: I respect other religions. But he can't be his son, as God cannot have any children.
Me: Have you read Bible?
He: I've entered some churches but I don't know what Bible is. ( does he really?)

I got upset because he imposes in a way his view. Am I right?

He disappeared ( like he did some times). I've said that I doubt that it could be something more than friendship between people of two different religions, not denominations. In the morning I've received his message. he apologized and wrote that everything is possible if people get to have a friendly agreement. 

I don't get why he can't hear and properly respect my opinion.

----------


## Suzi

Maybe he doesn't know, but he doesn't seem to listen to you....

----------


## selena

Actually he wished me Merry Christmas, but who knows...

I really don't know why I have attracted these guys and sometimes I really hesitate.

----------


## Suzi

You need more faith and love for yourself lovely. You are such a wonderful person. You deserve to be treated like a princess.

----------

selena (24-12-15)

----------


## selena

Tomorrow is difficult day for me, my boss wants to see all at New Year party that will be held in the evening and I'm afraid I can't refuse it.

----------


## Suzi

Why do you want to refuse it?

----------


## selena

Because of my sociophobia. But I won't refuse, unfortunately I have no choice.

----------


## rose

Go for a bit, it might be fun.  :):

----------

selena (29-12-15)

----------


## OldMike

> Go for a bit, it might be fun.


I agree with Rose, it should be fun, just be careful what you drink.

----------

selena (29-12-15)

----------


## Paula

Go, even if it's tough. You can leave whenever it gets too much, at least then you can say you tried

----------


## Suzi

I completely agree, go and see how things are.

----------


## selena

I went to the party, it was hard but I had enough patience to resist. When it got late I went home.

Many of the girls are just interested in superficial stuff and nothing serious to discuss. I sit next to my boss and other colleague. It was not easy and refused to drink whiskey and vodaka. Just some champagne, and already had headache.

All these people are normal, while I am a little wild isolated depressive woman, although they may not know it.

----------


## Paula

To be fair to your colleagues, I'm not sure I ever discussed serious stuff at parties  :O: 

Hunni, there is no normal. Everyone is different, with different issues, different upbringings etc. No one who doesn't know me would believe my mental health is literally a battle every day to manage, that I'm constantly covering up my tremors and that my confidence and bubbly nature is often put on.  Your colleagues don't know you suffer with depression, as you don't know if they have problems - mental or physical.  Please don't feel you're the only one .....

----------



----------


## OldMike

> ...
> All these people are normal, while I am a little wild isolated depressive woman, although they may not know it.


Normality is an illusion, you rarely see people as they truly are. I've often looked at other people and thought wish I had their life and not mine, the reality is probably something completely different their lives may not be as brilliant and exciting as it appears to be to an outsider.

----------

Paula (31-12-15)

----------


## Paula

How are you today, lovely?

----------


## Suzi

Paula and Mike are right. I think if you met anyone of us here at a party it would all be "small talk" and nothing serious and that we'd all come across completely differently to how we do here where we are safe to be open and honest about how we really feel. 
It's about faking it till you make it in some situations..

----------


## selena

Thank you for your kind words.

I'm fine. Just feeling these lumps and very worried, just don't know what to think.

----------


## Suzi

When did you last see your Dr about the lumps?

----------


## selena

It was about more than month ago, I think the next step is to make an oncological check up but I'm too much scared.

----------


## Paula

> It was about more than month ago, I think the next step is to make an oncological check up but I'm too much scared.


Hunni, I'm sure you've mentioned before they come and go. If it was a tumour, it is highly unlikely it would go down.  What did your dr say?

----------


## rose

Didn't the GP say there is nothing to worry about? What do you think the lumps are?

----------


## Suzi

But you don't know that it's bad news. Even if it is - chances are it isn't - then at least you can deal with it. 

I know how scary it is, I've had (and still got) issues with my breasts too so I do understand, and that's why I say that it's better to know rather than worry yourself stupid.

----------


## selena

Yes, but  he considered such an appointment. Generally he thinks that it could be something in connection with my hormonal problems, concretely thyroid.

I've forgotten to mention I've had an appointment at two specialists and the one still considers such a check-up.

----------


## Suzi

Then make the decision to get it checked out lovely.

----------


## selena

Today I've heard an unpleasant news, more exactly tragic news. A nice lady I know who was pregnant with her second child, a longtime desired girl, lost her baby just before birth. And doctors could be to blame in this case. She had cramps and went to local hospital. When she arrived doctor left hospital, said the baby is ok and they put her sign some document that in case baby dies they won't be responsible.
Tomorrow she will have induced labour, she does not cry but is very shocked. She keeps on saying that she is cal and trying to have other baby again. She is so courageous! I can't have words to tell her...
A woman told her that it would be better to see and hold her little baby girl after birth, but I'm afraid that will break her...

----------


## OldMike

I'm really sorry to hear such sad news Selena, it must be heartbreaking for the mother.

----------


## selena

She desperately wants to see her baby but I'm afraid she will get ill after this. She has a 4-year old boy.

----------


## Paula

My parents lost my sister. This was in 1978 and they weren't even allowed to look at her - the body was whisked away.  They have never got over not being able to hold her and see who she was. I think mothers need to hold their babies, whatever the circumstances

----------

OldMike (03-01-16)

----------


## rose

I think she should hold the baby, otherwise she will always be left wondering. Also name the baby and have a funeral.
It makes me so angry that its possible this could have been avoided.

----------


## Suzi

I'm sorry for your friend, it's a horrible thing for anyone to go through. But yes, it is now advised that she gets to hold her baby and say goodbye..

----------


## selena

I'm really sorry for her. Yes, she held her baby. She struggles not to get into depression for the sake of her son but I know she barely finds strength to go further.
She was induced yesterday late night. However there are serious symptoms, mainly losing a lot of blood.
And they decided to make medical expertise in order to find out the exact cause of baby's death.

----------


## Paula

It's heartbreaking ....

----------


## Suzi

That's so sad...

----------


## selena

I've had such a hard day. My manipulative boss "spat" in my soul again. We've had working meeting, how I hate this kind of reunions! From time to time she misreats and criticizes nearly everyone withoit any ground.
Three months ago a woman liked my sample of translation and appreciated according to her " my artistic way of expressing feeling and making words nice". It really made me fly. But my boss didn't appreciate my work neither financially nor other way. I've worked hard and translated this work and other serious translations in rather short term. Do not forget that I have additional obligations of office manager.
Now the boss wanted me to translate text into English and French in two weeks nearly without sleeping and with all obligations ahead! I refused because it's beyond my forces with all my health problems and she criticized me that I translated serious stuff in 3 weeks!
There are no other variants yet, infortunately. I feel suffocated because of all this and my lumps.
I've told myself that I must resist until the moment I take official exams to become sworn translator. But is there any reason, because I'm thinking of continue my life in other country?
I could have avoided if not prpblems with my father, but that's another topic...
How should I stand up to her when she insists that I should translate super fast ( even if it's superficial) and should be editor of 5 foreign languages?!
Sorry for any mistakes.

----------


## rose

Selena, please see the specialist about the lumps. I am sure they are nothing to worry about, like the doctor said.
With regards to your exams, are they not viable in any country? If not, perhaps you could take different exams, do some research on which are best to do.
You need to stand your ground about working reasonable hours. A bit of overtime here and there is probably expected, but working evenings and weekends is not right.

----------

selena (06-01-16)

----------


## Suzi

OK I'm not sure about all the work you are doing, but are you working slowly in comparison with others? Could you do it quicker by giving the idea of what it means, rather than translating every word itms?
Go and see the specialist. It's much worse worrying about what it is, rather than knowing.

----------

selena (06-01-16)

----------


## selena

No, I'm working at average speed even faster than others. It's mainly about literary and medical documentation. The thing is that in our company it's practically only me who translates this kind of texts.
There was a girl who translated it very fast...but translation was rejected.
It's my boss's personal desire.

----------


## OldMike

I see medical translation because it deals with more technical stuff is much more difficult to translate than ordinary everyday language, your boss should know this. I really don't know what to suggest when it comes to your work problems, do the other translators get the same treatment as you? Just seen it's only you who does this technical stuff, could you not ask to translate some of the less technical stuff and another translator the more technical stuff? I'm trying to help but feel I'm rather out of my depth. It certainly looks like your boss is a bully the way she treats you.

----------

selena (06-01-16)

----------


## rose

So, you're basically the only person who can do the job, which means they need to respect your expertise over how long it will take to do. I am sure the client will appreciate it being done right, even if it that means it takes a little longer to do.

----------

selena (06-01-16)

----------


## selena

I'm not authorised translator, the sworn translators basically deal with a lot of standard documents, so she put a lot of work on me. I don't know how to reply to this kind of bullying and aggression.

----------


## Suzi

Can you tell her how much it's affecting you? 

It's really important that you get to the specialist about the lumps too. Please make it your main priority..

----------

selena (06-01-16)

----------


## selena

Thank you, I'll make my health my first priority.

What else? I've found out client paid her around 900 euros, while I received barely 100...

And I've caught cold in my office because proper heating has not been provided.

----------


## Suzi

Have you made the appointment yet? 

Do you not have an agreed amount from each job or are you paid a salary?

----------


## selena

> Have you made the appointment yet? 
> 
> Do you not have an agreed amount from each job or are you paid a salary?


Not yet, I'm waiting for my salary.

Salary only for a manager job, there is also an amount for translation and that's quite low.

----------


## Suzi

When do you get your salary? Can you not call and make the appointment now so you know you have it?

----------


## selena

Next week. I think so.

----------


## selena

I have another issue - fear of speaking about myself and desire to run and hide everything about me like I've commited something bad. Thay's shame because of PCOS.

----------


## selena

I've caught a cold so I'm staying home. Terrible mood and this awful lump. But the stupidiest thing is that I did not find the courage to say 'no' to my boss when she phoned me and gave me a work for tomorrow. Of course she heard my voice.

----------


## Jaquaia

You need to look after yourself and rest.

----------

selena (08-01-16)

----------


## selena

Yes, I'm really trying.

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni! Why didn't you say no?

----------


## selena

I do not know. I usually say 'no' but a sudden fear just blocked me. The translation has been done but the unpleasant feeling remain.
Now I get why many ex-employees left this workplace.

----------


## Suzi

Are you looking around for another job? You seem so unhappy where you are..

----------


## Jaquaia

You deserve so much better than what you're getting.

----------


## Hugo-agogo

It sounds like you are doing such a good job and that you are valuable to them, but they are leaning on you way too much. I hope you can strike a balance where you can either say that they need to pay you overtime for any extra work you do, and/or that they have to respect when your working day is done  :(bear):

----------

selena (09-01-16)

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## selena

Thank you for support. Unfortunately it is very difficult to cope with her. I would be happy to find something else.

I'm supposed to get Certificate of Sworn Translator by late spring. After that I will become independent. And the last I think everything goes right after I return back home.

----------


## OldMike

Hi Selena, Your boss clearly doesn't appreciate the work you do and doesn't even treat you with the respect you deserve.

I can see you're in a tricky situation probably all you can do is hang on in there till you get the Certificate of Sworn Translator then perhaps look for a better job where you are treated better.

Take care Mike.

----------


## Hugo-agogo

Are you dependant on this company to give you your certificates?

----------


## selena

> Are you dependant on this company to give you your certificates?


Unfortunately yes, I should wait until late spring or summer.

----------


## Paula

Is the certificate something your company assesses and applies for on your behalf or is it independent from them?

----------


## selena

> Is the certificate something your company assesses and applies for on your behalf or is it independent from them?


Yes, they have some connections. I really do not know what to do because this certificate will be a plus but not available in my country. From other side I want to be independent from my boss and be paid more. So this is probably the only solution at the moment.

----------


## selena

Had a discussion with some coworkers and found out that my boss from time to time enjoys bullying employees.

----------

magie06 (09-01-16)

----------


## Suzi

But you knew that anyway...

----------


## selena

Yes and her attitude is disgusting.

Besides all I've got a cold at my work place because it is very cold there. On Monday I probably won't be able to get to the office. But I could do translations at home.

----------


## rose

Do you have lots of snow where you are Selena?

----------


## selena

More or less now but it's rather cold and the boss should have provided normal heating. I've talked to her and she promised to find solution.

----------


## Suzi

I hope that she does lovely..

----------


## selena

So do I. She is so angry when someone is ill and can't get to office. But I think my health is definitely more important and I do not want to 'gain' pneumonia.

----------


## Jaquaia

Your health is more important.  Well done for realising that

----------



----------


## Paula

> So do I. She is so angry when someone is ill and can't get to office. But I think my health is definitely more important and I do not want to 'gain' pneumonia.


Definitely!

----------


## Suzi

> So do I. She is so angry when someone is ill and can't get to office. But I think my health is definitely more important and I do not want to 'gain' pneumonia.


Absolutely!

----------


## selena

Today I stood up for myself and remained home. Barely worked because of headache but I hope it will get better.

----------

Paula (11-01-16),Suzi (11-01-16)

----------


## OldMike

> Today I stood up for myself and remained home. Barely worked because of headache but I hope it will get better.


Good for you Selena, hope your headache soon improves.

----------

selena (11-01-16)

----------


## Suzi

Well done for standing your ground.

----------


## rose

Good for you. I can only imagine how cold it is.... Is the internet right when it says its -4c there right now? She needs to provide adequate heating for you.

----------


## selena

Yes, but -4 is still ok.

What have I found out?
Last week in the night was about -15c and the man who rents this office to my boss switched off all heating. So I literally came into the fridge. And did not apperceive anything immediatelly because they connected heating again when I arrived. But my God, the room was like a castle of ice!
No wonder, I got cold. It's warmer outside but they switched off heating again. Now they promised not to do this again.
Doc said I should stay tomorrow at home. I have translations to do and will be available on Wednesday again but it's so unpleasant to tell her everything again. But I really do not want pneumonia.

----------


## Suzi

You need to look after your own health lovely.

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selena (11-01-16)

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## Paula

Well done, hunni, and please stay home tomorrow !

----------

selena (11-01-16)

----------


## rose

Surely its on a thermostat and the temperature can't drop below freezing otherwise the pipes would burst?

----------


## selena

Probably but I had not been told anything.

----------


## selena

Tomorrow I will be working in office again. How nice was from part of the clients to thank me and tell me that they understand my absence!

I spoke with my boss and to my astonishment she agreed. But she is usually bullying employees before they receive salaries.

----------


## Suzi

That sounds good that she agreed and how lovely of your clients to understand!

----------


## selena

Yes, it was unexpected from them but lovely, especially when they said they could wait.

My boss is not very emotional. Once her eldest daughter came to her place and wanted some attention. She was not busy but phoned her husband saying:" Take this little creep away. I'm fed up with her."

----------

magie06 (12-01-16)

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh my god! What a horrid woman!

----------


## Paula

Disgusting!

----------


## Suzi

That's so horrible for the daughter. If that's what things she says in public, I dread to think what she says when they are at home in private. That poor child - so damaging.

----------


## selena

I returned to work today and it was a good day for me. To my greates astonishment, my boss and her husband came to my office to see how I'm feeling and showed some interest about condition I'm working in. And talked to landlord about heating system. As I've heard she feared that I could leave. I do not know it, I only jnow her husband is compassionate person.

----------


## OldMike

I'm glad you had a good day Selena.

----------


## selena

Thank you. Actually I did not expect that my 'return'would pass in a calm way.

----------


## Paula

Hopefully, she'll appreciate you more. Hope today's good

----------


## Suzi

Glad it went well. Hope today is a good one.

----------


## selena

Nothing new, 3 more or less serious fast translations expected to be finished by next week into 3 different languages:restaurant site, 'my' psychology book and memories of people deported to Siberia.
The topics are interesting but it's not easy. To be sincere, I have done today only a little work but I definitely should get some rest on holidays.

What else? My boss has given a piece of serious to a translator who barely knows original language and she did lie to the customer in this way. It is not my affair but I know the customer and simply don't get it.

And toothache...painkillers again.

----------


## Suzi

Can you plan something nice to do this weekend?

----------


## selena

I'm afraid not because of weather.

But I could find time to read something interesting.

----------


## selena

Not much work done today. Wish me success for another busy couple of days.

----------


## Paula

Good luck and don't overdo it

----------

selena (17-01-16)

----------


## Suzi

Hope it's a good and positive one for you

----------


## selena

I've nearly finished my translation. While I don't agree with everything author says, most of given information ( her view on male/female relationship) is useful. Author is actually love coach :(nod): .

So I've done some reading while translating.

----------


## Suzi

lol!  :O:

----------


## selena

Actually maybe I'll put some recommendations here.

----------


## OldMike

> Actually maybe I'll put some recommendations here.


That's a good idea Selena.

----------

selena (23-01-16)

----------


## selena

Today I've had a really nice conversation with a very pleasant woman who is not in her young ages anymore.
She talked about her memories and experience, revealing that she had been suffering of depression many years.
Of course, hate is worst of everything. But I'm totally agree with her about relation with close people.
That indifference could be real evil, when you're desperate and cry, but nobody wants to hear you. In her opinion, it's like crying for help. She talked about post-birth depression and that some years ago this issue had been simply ignored.

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like a good talk...

----------


## Paula

Post natal depression was completely missed even when I had my first, 18 years ago.  I was told it was stress and, at 24 years old, I didn't know better to argue. Things are better now, but still not good enough

----------


## selena

Today feeling a little tired and exhausted. There was this kind of working reunion. Luckily, my boss hasn't hurt my feelings by putting down my efforts.

Meanwhile I've decided to take just 3 exams, not 4, like my boss wishes. Because I think I don't have enough time to prepare.

----------


## Paula

Good to hear you've made your decision  :):

----------


## Suzi

Good for you!

----------


## selena

And the last unbelievable translation order from a customer. To translate some pages and a video about interfaith marriages, it's actually about a British woman. I'll put the original link from youtube on my FB.

----------

OldMike (28-01-16)

----------


## OldMike

> Today feeling a little tired and exhausted. There was this kind of working reunion. Luckily, my boss hasn't hurt my feelings by putting down my efforts.
> 
> Meanwhile I've decided to take just 3 exams, not 4, like my boss wishes. Because I think I don't have enough time to prepare.


That's good Selena reducing the number of exams to 3 should make things a lot easier for you.

----------

selena (28-01-16)

----------


## selena

Yes, I could breathe again...

----------

OldMike (28-01-16),rose (28-01-16)

----------


## selena

Today has been difficult for me. After I stepped into my house I just couldn't help crying, now I get that you should avoid hurtful places.

From other side I suddenly miss so much theatre, opera, ballet. Cultural events where I used to go before.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## OldMike

:(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

:Panda:  

What do you think made you cry?

----------


## Suzi

Oh sweetheart  :Panda:  :(bear):  :Panda:

----------


## selena

> What do you think made you cry?


Probably past memories and not accepting some things.

----------


## Suzi

Oh sweetheart  :Panda:

----------


## selena

It's so interesting. Yesterday I was in bad mood and my cat felt it. She suddenly gripped my dress with her claws and nearly tore it, she wanted to come closer to me.

----------


## selena

I'm feeling horribly, my boss doesn't leave me a free minute, a free day of relax. She sent me little translations, continuation of Madam's book translation and that I'm supposed to end immediately the other translation (+30 pages!). Does she think I am robot?

----------


## Paula

Can't you say no, you're too busy?

----------


## selena

Yes, I can but the thing is that she always tends to make deadlines shorter after the employees take work. I will probably do just quality work and won't sacrifice myself. All this deal won't last forever, I really hope.

----------


## Suzi

You are't being paid to work weekends, so don't!

----------

selena (31-01-16)

----------


## selena

So that's the best thing to do so far - just doing my work in a normal way.

----------


## selena

Today was a little sad. My boss had the new idea, that I edit and translate without any money some texts on new version of her site. Nor that I would be against if she did pay me better or do this for a cause.

I'm sad that nothing changes, but that's probably is how it aimed to be from beginning.

And about my main translation, some of these manipulations are also used by men, to my greatest astonishment. The strangest thing is author's advice in contradiction with all her other stuff:" If you love or tend to love a man that does not share your feelings, love him from depth of your heart". Not the best advice though, I think it didn't help me a lot to forget about the man who I talked to in vain.

----------


## rose

If you are paid a salary, I would expect your boss to just give you whatever she sees fit, but if it's too much and you are regularly working more than your contracted hours then you need to have a word.

----------


## Suzi

Are you paid a salary or is it per page/hour/text?

----------


## selena

Here comes the following: salary + percent from clients+ translations, but that's nice only on paper. And no, the translation for agency's site is not supposed to be paid.


And the last thing...a woman from a different office proposed me to get involved in her (not exactly) philantropy project. I got enthusiastic about it, thinking only that I have a small amount of time and it's a good news as here such kind of projects don't often occur. And what I heard...she proposed that I take part in her photo session and that is for a good cause. There is nothing specific about it. Just taking some photos in park. She didn't say a concrete day. I wanted to refuse but then thought about good cause. I really don't know what to do...

----------


## Suzi

I wouldn't get involved in the photos until you know much more! What kind of photographs do they want? What will they be used for?

----------

magie06 (02-02-16)

----------


## selena

> I wouldn't get involved in the photos until you know much more! What kind of photographs do they want? What will they be used for?


I've already got the information. And I phoned the organization for children suffering from leucemia they mentioned. Apparently yes, they said they aim to publish a book with pictures about park X.and people etc.
The received money will be used for children's treatment.It's not only about women, people generally. And they won't publish my photos separately without my permission. Only in that album. They probably know me and that's why asked for permission. The other woman working in the nearby shop, middle-aged, was also asked. 

But I'm fearing more to be photographed in generally. I'm not confident although there is nothing extravagant there.

Photos, something like this:
http://www.dreamstime.com/stock-phot...-image53043837

I mean, nothing provocative and all the images outside album will be private. And if I don't want that people found my image in album ( via organization) I could keep my privacy.

----------


## Suzi

Then if it all checks out then it seems like it might be fun?

----------


## selena

> Then if it all checks out then it seems like it might be fun?


Yes, but I have a little photophobia. I know I should overcome it, there is still some work with my self-confidence.

----------


## Suzi

This might be just the way to help you?

----------

selena (02-02-16)

----------


## selena

Yesterday the other manager wanted to put on me more work: " You know, customers are always satisfied with your translation, it's like a melody to them". And benefit of my boss too. But I found the strength to say "no'.

I try to find more expressive words to make some works better, but I think I have no right to change author's opinion.'

I have 50 pages to translate and I should probably work on Saturday at home because there is too much fuss in the office.

----------


## selena

When you set too high goals, you nearly always fail. And that's probably my case with great expectations.

And there is a different thing or better say lack of something. In my teen ages I used to write short stories but after depression years I have no inspiration, real inspiration...

----------


## OldMike

That's a shame Selena I hope you can get back to writing short stories again.

----------


## magie06

Would you not write stories about your experience since you got sick?

----------

selena (04-02-16)

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you were able to say no, but I don't think you should work on Saturday either. You need that time to recharge and to do something different - go for a walk, go shopping, just something different..

----------


## selena

> Would you not write stories about your experience since you got sick?


It's a good idea and sometimes I write some things, maybe it was because of my lack of time or probably sometimes it was too painful.

Yes, I really wanted to get some quality time, even missing theatre or other cultural activities.

Meanwhile my boss told me that I could take paid holidays only in October.

You know, I've thought about writing some details in my unpublished novel translation. The author probably forgot about her plans.

----------


## OldMike

Selena you can only take paid holidays in October, that seems so long away.

----------


## selena

Yes, time is passing fast, I'll see what to do a little later.

----------


## selena

I thought that I would have a normal holiday. Surprise!...my boss who has never translated herself a little document asked for English variant of manipulation book immediately. I've got that client wants it faster and wants its American variant. But my boss has forgoten 2 essential things:
1. She got this client due to my sample translation into different language. A client chose my piece among 20 other translators. That is how she got all the money.
2. She gave the translation into English to a student who didn't manage her work and then passed it to me. She forgot that we discussed other deadlines and I'm already busy. I'm not a native speaker who could additionally provide her with American dialect expressions.

I'm anxious that I've barely had any rest, yes yesterday I had some rest, but I think I have this right. Now I fear eveything although I'm aware my boss just didn't manage it well.

----------


## OldMike

Selena your boss will have to wait you can't suddenly translate a document when you are all ready doing other work. As you say you need some rest time, rather than work, work and more work.

----------

selena (07-02-16)

----------


## Paula

Mikes right. Say no.

----------


## Suzi

Totally agree - no.

----------


## Piglet

It sounds like your boss is taking the credit for all of your hard work.  Time to stand up to her and say no!  Good luck.

----------

selena (08-02-16)

----------


## selena

Finally has ended a translation into English today. I can't believe I did it so fast, I'm always very anxious about quality. Nearly fall asleep, dreaming about manipulative author and her supposed being in love with two men at chance... But still there is a lot of work to be done...
This morning I came to my working place, took the keys to open the door when clien said:" The door is open. You probably forgot to close it last time."
My God...I got in panic...Usually I check everything, how didn't I verify it on Friday?...I don't remember. I checked everything: camera working, money and documents at their places.

----------


## OldMike

You've probably got other things on your mind and it's then so easy to forget something.

Selena you look like you've had a very productive day. All I've done all day is a big jigsaw still a lot to do with it.

----------

selena (08-02-16)

----------


## selena

> You've probably got other things on your mind and it's then so easy to forget something.
> 
> Selena you look like you've had a very productive day. All I've done all day is a big jigsaw still a lot to do with it.


A jigsaw is also very interesting way of spending time!

----------


## rose

Maybe the boss went in early and left it open? It seems like it's unlikely that you forgot and it was left unlocked all weekend? It sounds like no harm was done though, nothing stolen?

I was going to say with that translation, you can say to her, I can do this, but that means I can't do this and this.... etc.... make her prioritise the work. She's making a lot of money from your work so you do have some leverage and she probably does respect you too.

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OldMike (08-02-16),selena (08-02-16)

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## selena

No, it's highly unlikely, but maybe her husband or landlord entered earlier. No harm was done and no loss.

Yes, she respects me to an extent. However she is the boss and rather difficult person. If she is in bad mood, she can lose her temper and mock others.

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OldMike (08-02-16)

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## Suzi

Well done for finishing that piece!

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selena (08-02-16)

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## Paula

You have the patience of a saint, I'd have thumped her by now

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selena (08-02-16)

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## selena

> You have the patience of a saint, I'd have thumped her by now


I've got used to many things, but I can't stand the moments she puts pressure on me and bullying her working team.

----------


## selena

Not the best day for me: terrible headache, nausea, weakness and probably high arterial pressure. I still don't know how I have managed to work.

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## Suzi

Oh no! Are you coming down with something?

----------


## OldMike

If you think you've high blood pressure you need to see your doctor. Usually you don't know your blood pressure is high till you have it checked by a nurse or doctor.

Hope you feel better soon Selena.

----------


## selena

Thank you, now I'm feeling a little better and had some tea.

Maybe it was because of last days pressure. The next week I'll have an appointment with doctor.

----------


## Paula

Seeing the dr sounds a good idea  :(bear):

----------


## selena

Today I haven't been at work. I woke up in the early morning, feeling bad and having cramps in each muscle. And having fever of course. As I could barely move my fingers I phoned my boss and remained home. Later I've taken aspirin, no flu or angina signs so far. Yesterday had just nausea, headache and weakness. Now feeling better and fever came down. Tomorrow two clients are waiting for me.
Today a woman phoned me and asked about Chinese translation. Sometimes I really don't know how I cope with some difficult situations.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry you aren't feeling well, but glad you took today off.

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## rose

Chinese?  :O: 

I hope you feel better soon. Rest and fluids and all that  :(bear):

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selena (10-02-16)

----------


## selena

Thanks!

Yes, Chinese, but it's not my speciality, I've only helped her to connect with one of few translators.

----------


## selena

Today has been a pretty silent day.

Feeling better and translated 8 pages.

I've received a good news from my ex-student. She took part with family in Quebec immigration programme. They had been nearly refused after all invested forces and resources, now they are accepted. Really happy for them, all my students had been admitted, so I'm proud of them.

Yesterday an online guy greeted me, saying that he missed me. Not really, I guess, just a little. I'm feeling ackward because I just don't know how to get conversation interesting. But he was not so passionate either.

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## OldMike

Good news about your student Selena, glad you had a peaceful day.

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selena (11-02-16)

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## Piglet

Glad that you're feeling better, and well done with your ex-students.  We visited Quebec in August for a few days out of three weeks, and loved it.

If the guy said he missed you, then he missed, no matter if a little or a lot; you were missed.  You could talk about films, books or holidays.  Asking questions and getting him to talk might be easier than you doing all the talking.

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selena (11-02-16)

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## Jaquaia

Selena, can I ask if you have spoken to him before and if you have for how long and did you discuss much?

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## selena

> Selena, can I ask if you have spoken to him before and if you have for how long and did you discuss much?


Yes, for around four months, but these are occasional greeting or little talks. nothing serious, I mean just friendly interchange. But I think he is a little shy too.

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## Jaquaia

Then I'm a little concerned about him saying he missed you if you haven't talked a lot. Don't take him too seriously until you get to know him better and even then be careful.

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selena (11-02-16)

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## selena

> Then I'm a little concerned about him saying he missed you if you haven't talked a lot. Don't take him too seriously until you get to know him better and even then be careful.


No, I won't. Thanks for concerning. I've liked just his normal friendly attitude.

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like a good day lovely!

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## selena

Yes indeed. Especially after yesterday's hell.

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## rose

Was the message like 'Hey, I've missed you, how's it going?'

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## selena

> Was the message like 'Hey, I've missed you, how's it going?'


Yes, I think.

----------


## selena

It's considered that people couldn't live without hope and faith ( for believers). But what if apparently you have done anything to achieve your goals or let's say get it better. But you've got few results and things are basically staying the same way. Who is to blame? Usually people balme themselves, then others. Maybe it's just like doom.

Positive thinking has great impact, but unfortunately some things you couldn't change or accepting either.

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## selena

I've had a rather hard day. More translations, but that's not all...

I've had a client who wants me guarantee that all authorities will agree with new surname of hers mentioned in documents. I explained her that I can't offer her all guarantees, but she just can't get it. I'm neither translator who translated her document nor an OSC authority. I don't know how to overcome my anxiety if they turn her down and she puts blame on me for everything. It's so annoying feeling! And now I'm worried about tomorrow.

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## Suzi

Then maybe that's something that your boss should be dealing with..

----------


## selena

> Then maybe that's something that your boss should be dealing with..


I've told my boss. She assured me that everything is all right but she always prefers to put final blame on us.

----------


## Suzi

Then you need to refer it back to her if there is an issue.

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## selena

I'm so happy that this situation has passed. This woman thanked me in the end.
My boss proposed me in a sweet voice to take more translations. I've got the trick - cheap and keeping quality, but I refused.

----------


## Suzi

That's brilliant that the woman thanked you.

----------


## selena

I was very anxious and didn't even expect it.

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## Suzi

You need to find a way to believe in yourself a bit more.

----------


## selena

That is true. However we can't avoid some kinds of people and specific situations.

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## selena

Today on DWD has been an especially warm atmosphere. In life is different.

Only work...last holidays I watched some episodes of new "Criminal Minds" season. After a long pause...So I finally learnt that I have the right to spend some good time on holidays. And in May or June exams are waiting for me. So in my spare time I must read some materials and also American English features for a new translation.Holidays are only in October....it could be earlier but October will be more or less paid, but who knows what will happen by that time.
I hate arguing with anyone, especially my mother. I know she is genuinely caring about me but she shouldn't think in a negative way about my future. We've talked, but she stays worried about my condition. I can't stop some things and I can barely look in the mirror. But if I perceive all things in negative clue, suicidal thoughts are inevitable.

And love...not the last thing in the world. Falling a little in love can't be bad, even He seems to be so different...Just a dream...

However keeping a little diary helps. Every week I go to a special Christian meditation place, it's early, but I go. This helps me overcome my anxiety and not getting really crazy and suicidal.

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## Suzi

Why are holidays only in October? 
You are so hard on yourself. You really are intelligent, beautiful, caring, kind and thoughtful.

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## selena

> Why are holidays only in October? 
> You are so hard on yourself. You really are intelligent, beautiful, caring, kind and thoughtful.


Thank you for appreciation while I'm struggling with thoughts that I do some things wrong and I don't deserve a certain man.

It's private company, in fact my boss doesn't impose, but strongly suggest this month.

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## Paula

Oh I do loads of things wrong, all the time, yet I get through.  We don't have to be perfect to be loved, hunni

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selena (23-02-16)

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## Suzi

Crumbs hunni, I do things wrong all the time! However Marc still loves me... The right person is out there for you.

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selena (23-02-16)

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## selena

Today we've had a little party at work, I came and greeted my boss and others and went home. I've told that I'm not feeling well. Psychologically...and lumps of course.

I know I didn't do right way, but I can't tell them truth. And in two week come other two holidays, including my birthday and my boss adores birthdays...

Nothing has been found so far...but I would prefer to have a medical check abroad.

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## Paula

If they've been checked, hunni, why are you still worried?

----------


## selena

One of doctors mentioned something ' that appears to be negative' or grow into it. Although there are no concrete evidences and future is impredictible.

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## selena

I don't know if I'm right, but I decided to work just a little on Saturday and no work on Sundays despite my boss's try to enslave me.

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## rose

You are supposed to do 5.5 days a week. Don't feel bad about not working on Sunday!

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selena (27-02-16)

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## Paula

> I don't know if I'm right, but I decided to work just a little on Saturday and no work on Sundays despite my boss's try to enslave me.


Well done for making that decision

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## selena

May God help me tomorrow. At tomorrow's little party. Without dancing or something alike, but for me it's so hard to be surrounded by 13-18 colleagues, even despite the fact some of them are really friendly. We see each other once a week.

And it seems nothing perfectly suits me, I see "fat bulks" everywhere.

But the most difficult moment for me is 'kissing' my colleagues ( friendly of course). Most of them are women, just one or two guys.

After my boss kisses the " star" of the party, I'm supposed to slightly kiss them all ( and they me), my breath stops only thinking about this crowd.

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## Paula

:Panda:  try to enjoy it for what it is - your colleagues wanting to celebrate you for a little while

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selena (09-03-16)

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## selena

I just hope I'll resist and everything will be right.

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## Anna

I've not commented on your thread before, but i just wanted to say i hope your work party went well and you coped OK.

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selena (10-03-16)

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## Paula

Is it today? Your birthday? If so HAPPY BIRTHDAY  :(party):

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## OldMike

What's a birthday without cake?
So here's a virtual cake for you Selena.



Have a very happy birthday.

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## Jaquaia

I hope that today is not as difficult as you are expecting it to be  :(bear):

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## Suzi

I know you don't like a fuss, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

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selena (10-03-16)

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## selena

It was more or less ok.

My father and grandma ( surprise!) coldly congratulated me, but I just thanked and tried not to think about them.

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## Suzi

Good for you!

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## Paula

Well done sweetie, your confidence is growing daily  :):

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## selena

Sincerely I don't really know how I managed to get over this everything. I deal with people nearly every day, but I'm not perfectly smiling, actually anxious inside and barely looking into their eyes.

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## Paula

However you're doing it, you're doing it! That's what matters

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selena (10-03-16)

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## selena

I'm feeling strange. From one side I'll get closer and better office, but I got used a little to my old place. And there will be new ambiance and new notary again...But new working place is better than the old one.

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## OldMike

Selena you should soon get used to your new work place and if I recall correctly it is closer to where you live so travelling should be easier.

As you say the new place is better than the old work place so that's a definite plus.

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selena (11-03-16)

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## selena

Thank you for kind words. Yes, it's located inside an university. They rent a little office there.

And actually there will be warmer than at my current place where I got serious cold twice.

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OldMike (11-03-16)

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## Suzi

Will you be working with different people?

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## selena

No, with the same, besides collaborating with different notary.

But I've had no people around, I'm alone in "my" office, all of my colleagues work in different offices. We meet once a week or occasionally. In process of work we deal with clients and some of us have double stress. As for example, nearly every day I work as translator and manager.

And I'm happy that I don't have to cope every day with eyes fixed on me, at least now, although working with people and doing urgent translations is also stressful.

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## Suzi

Then it sounds like a positive to me!

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selena (11-03-16)

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## selena

Now it's time to update news about my last working place ( the same company) change.

Actually, I did a lot in the new office, arranged my stuff etc. I felt sad and I missed, nearly cried over my previous distant working place. I missed even the dog's barking. At a specific moment I was on the point of crying.

A new place is an attachment inside the ground floor of the building. It's not so cold there, but it has no direct windows. The previous place was a rather large separate room office and it was perfect for an introvert! Here the glass walls from my side will be covered from exterior, but now they are transparent and anybody can see me and as it's inside university, and there is  a rather high rumour there. Also the light should be switched on all day long  because otherwise it will get rather dark there, and the lamp also spreads rumours.

The last days I was too busy to translate, but I hope tomorrow I will be able to work.

On a good note: park is nearby, I sleep one hour more than before, no transport and so getting to work along the park valley. Many shops and other commercial building, fast connection with the centre. I must just get accustomed to this fuss, hopefully they will cover soon at least a part of these walls. Also established a rather good relationship with notary and some of my ex-customers are ready to get here only that I provide for them a good service.

That's it so far, for me this fuss is difficult. The old place was rather distant from my place and there were problems with heating,but had better facilities.

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OldMike (15-03-16)

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## OldMike

Shorter travelling time and better heating that's a big plus, you'll soon get used to the new place Selena.  :):

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selena (15-03-16)

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## Suzi

It might be good for you being there - new people, younger people, busier place.

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## selena

With new place it is everything more or less right.

But I'm simply broken...my cat is probably dying.
She doesn't move and doesn't react to anything, it's pyometra and probably there are no hopes...
I can't  just stop crying.

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## Jaquaia

She needs to see a vet asap if it's pyometra. They should be able to do an emergency spay if it's not too bad.

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## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

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## selena

Thank you for kind words.

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## rose

Oh Selena, can you get your cat to a vet?  :(bear):

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## Paula

Take her to the vets, then you'll know your options, you can't just leave her like that  :(bear):

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## Suzi

Oh hunni, I hope you've got an appointment..

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## selena

My princess died in the morning. I called vet emergency, but nothing could have been done, it was too late. He injected her a kind of vet painkillers. I spent all night near her, I payed and cried all my tears and I saw her dying in front of me.

I'm simply devastated, I wish give up anything:my work and other interests, just can't forget her last dying moment. Thinking rationally, I know that I fought until the end and the vet said is a miracle she survived so long time after had been diagnosed first. I know it's just an animal, but it was My Cat and she meant to me a lot. Sincerely if my father had died, I wouldn't have cried. It's terribly sounding, but he did nothing for me and simply did not care at all about me, while my cat meant everything to me and 'supported' me in her way.

I'll love her forever, she was so educated, fine and delicate. Russian blue breed, although it doesn't matter, because I adopted her. Her mother was in the street and then killed by someone. I really wanted to have this kitten, she chose me as her master and I chose her. The day I wanted to adopt her she vanished, someone had taken it from my street. I prayed to find her and in a wonderful way I found her without even knowing she was there, but this time God's will ( if there is a supreme power) was different. 

I just can't forget her dying image, although her death was not hard, but seeing her last convulsions, I think I could go crazy with everything... I hope it will change with time, I just can't stop crying and tomorrow there is work at office.

I really don't know how I resisted today until midday. I buried her near the grave of my grandad, who I loved a lot. I buried her under the tree and gave her my last kiss. 

My mother went with me and she thinks I must want go on at least for her. But she is also devastated.

My cat didn't like seeing me crying or depressed, she came by my side and touched me or rose her melodical voice. I've had some bad dreams about her around a month ago, but just didn't pay attention.

I'm feeling again the lumps and I'm really confused. Due to say, someone recommended me a good medical centre with good specialists and equipment. I'll consider it, but who knows what is going to happen to me next. And I'm really afraid of any eventual medical surgery. I just didn't learn how to accept death and how to die. 
Last time I felt so broken was my grandad's death in my teen ages. But at that time there was a hope. And now there is nothing more...

And thank you all for support, I've been really lucky to have found this place and all "team".

My apologises for any grammar mistakes.

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## Paula

:Panda:  oh sweetheart I'm so very, very sorry.  I know and understand how heartbreaking losing your furrbaby is for anybody. I wish I could say something that would help, but nothing can at the moment.  I wish you didn't have this heartbreak and I'll be praying for some comfort for you

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selena (17-03-16)

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## selena

Thank you.

People are often feeling like losers, but I'm feeling like "cursed".

Some days ago my cat got into my neighbour's apartment basement ( I'll put this photo later on FB). Nothing seemed strange, but it was first time she tried to hide. I've learned that cats usually hide before death.

with my mother is more difficult. She always blames herself and this affects me a lot.

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## Angie

I'm so sorry hunni, our furbabies our like family to us.

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selena (17-03-16)

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## selena

After I returned home, I felt it so empty.

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## Jaquaia

It is not just an animal! She was your family. Pets give us undisputed love and loyalty, and you are certainly not a loser for mourning her. I'm sorry for your loss and hope you can take comfort from knowing she will be happy having crossed the Rainbow Bridge and will be waiting for you on the other side.  :Panda:

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selena (17-03-16)

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## rose

The vet gave her painkillers, so she wasn't in pain. And you were by her side until the very end. She knew your love as you knew hers.
In time this will become easier, I promise. RIP little one  :(bear):

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selena (17-03-16)

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## Suzi

I'm so sorry for your loss. Definitely not, "just an animal".. Sweetheart take heart knowing that you were with her and you loved her and she loved you. It will get easier...

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selena (17-03-16)

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## selena

Yes, knowing all this helps and time heals everything.

I tried to stay strong and not to cry in the office. It was very difficult to keep my tears inside.

Today a client came to take his translation He didn't know anything, but felt great sympathy and showed real patience and understanding.

These days I will think what to do next in my life.

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## rose

Can we see a picture of your cat, what was her name?

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## selena

Her original name was French Katrin, but we used to call her in more simple way " Kitty".

http://s844.photobucket.com/user/eme...j.jpg.html?o=0

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## rose

Oh she's beautiful! She looks like my Chartreux cat Sheba!
RIP Kitty, run free over the Rainbow Bridge xxx

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selena (17-03-16)

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## Suzi

So beautiful..

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selena (18-03-16)

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## OldMike

I'm so sorry Selena, she was such a beautiful cat.  :(bear):   :Panda:

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selena (18-03-16)

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## Angie

She is beautiful x

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selena (18-03-16)

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## selena

Yes, I lost a beautiful and very intelligent furfriend. Last night before her death, I saw in her eyes kind of tears. My mother told me that maybe we did something wrong, I really can't find something we got wrong...It was just this way. I know one thing - she hated to see me crying. Today I felt that despite of the fact I will never forget her and will probably cry even years after her death, I must move on and keep the best memories in my soul. 

Now I have to decide what to do with my lumps. I have to get appointment at better specialist, but I'm afraid of the worst perspective of surgery.

----------


## Paula

You didn't do anything wrong, hunni, just happens that way sometime  :(bear):

----------

selena (18-03-16)

----------


## selena

I'm feeling sometimes desperate and lonely, although I know this will change.

It's a depressive mood triggered by some work changes and this tragedy. I even thought of giving up my work as I'm fed up to deal with some kind of people, although most are very nice.

My cat was near me in my most difficult years.

----------


## rose

Make it a priority to see the specialist and get them checked out, even if its just for peace of mind.

Kitty will live on in your heart. And I have no doubt another cat will want you as their human before long.

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selena (18-03-16)

----------


## OldMike

In times like these a little hug helps  :(bear):   :Panda:

----------

selena (18-03-16)

----------


## Paula

How are you, hunni?

----------


## selena

I'm better, thank you. Although there is still a lot of sad thoughts.

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart you are grieving. That's totally OK. 
You need to get the lumps looked at and leaving them could only make it worse..

----------


## magie06

Sending you some hugs to help with your loss.  :Panda:  :Panda:  :Panda:

----------


## selena

Thank you.

Today I have visited her "grave" again and after it I felt inner peace, probably it should have happened this way. She will always remain in my heart and that's most important.

I've forgotten to mention that from now on I have to work on Saturday from 9 am to 1 am. It's good only for translations, but notary doesn't work on Saturday anyway.

But I insisted to have the last Saturday of month free and hope my boss will understand and respect my decision.

Near my work place there is a nice park and some green lawns where I can enjoy some free time in peace.

I'll add some photos later on FB.

----------


## Paula

I'm glad you insisted on one Saturday free, lovely.

----------


## Suzi

Good for you insisting on that!

----------


## selena

From one side I feel better, I accepted the fact of death, but Im feeling generally frustrated and confused.

I feel an emptiness around me, actually there are no problems with working process, but I'm feeling useless while daling with people...and feeling so unable to contavt with anybody now...

It's like a large hole...

Tmorrow I have to deal with an old client ( personal), she wants a very cheap translation ( actually being quite rich), I have a lot of work already and I'm not eager to work at nights on nul price...

I'm also feeling very stupid tp contact a guy first, I'll never do such a stupidity again.

My head is like a mixed pot with guily, emotions and deep confusion.

----------


## Paula

You're grieving, hunni, it takes time I'm afraid  :(bear): 

Tell the client that you're experienced and qualified (have you had the results?) and you already have a lot of work to do, so your fees are higher. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to get you to do it ......

What happened with the guy?

----------


## selena

> You're grieving, hunni, it takes time I'm afraid 
> 
> Tell the client that you're experienced and qualified (have you had the results?) and you already have a lot of work to do, so your fees are higher. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to get you to do it ......
> 
> What happened with the guy?


Yes, I've translated some years ago her wedding dresses site into Italian ( native speakers considered it normal). The thing is that this wsoman is kind of manipulator, I can refuse for me, but process of standing up for my interests is not  easy to me.

----------


## Suzi

Selena you have to stop being so negative about making contact with someone first.. It's not "stupidity" - it's communicating.. For all you know they might be as shy as you!

----------

selena (22-03-16)

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## selena

Today I went to church in the evening. I've had such a strange feeling, a kind of feeling lost, because I think I don't have enough faith.

It's a pity this year there is such a distance between two Easters, I mean Western and Eastern ( Orthodox) churches...March 27 and May 1...there will be very warm by that time.

My boss gave to me a piece of work for agency, some pages, but job meant to be done without money because it's for her company. I've done it because I will need later some recommendation letters from her part.

And next Saturday I should have to pass the "philantropic" photosession, already feeling embarrassed and a liitle scared...

----------


## rose

It is very strange that Easter is not celebrated at the same time around the world. I am sure I saw an article in the news a few weeks back about the possibility of fixing the day.. it would make more sense.

Please don't worry about the photos, the lady wouldn't have asked you if she didn't think you were suitable for the pictures.

----------

selena (26-03-16)

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## Suzi

I think if you have any faith, then you have enough to be starting with... If you aren't sure then talk to your leaders and I am sure that they will be able to help and guide you x

----------

selena (26-03-16)

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## Paula

Faith isn't measured, you either have that faith or you don't. You have always come across as faithful. Having said that, we shouldn't stand still, fellowship, prayer, teaching, all these and more are vital to keep our relationship with God

----------

selena (26-03-16)

----------


## selena

I don't think there will ever be one common day for Easter celebrations. For Christmas it might be possible. The first reason is that Eastern Orthodox doesn't have an unique leader as Pope for Catholics. There are Eastern churches that follow new calendar and celebrate Christmas on December 25, these are Greek, Romanian, some Ucrainian churches and Bulgarian. Russian, Serbian and Georgian follow the old calendar. As for Easter, all Eastern churches celebrate it on the same date - this year is May 1, not sure about calculations, but the idea is that Orthodox Easter should come after Jewish Passover ( this year is on April 22). A week after Easter, Eastern christians honour the dead people and go to cemetery ( equivalent of Catholic November 2 day). From one side is a good idea, but from other side people gather at cemetery just symbolically, having big celebrations and often getting drunk and leaving a lot of garbage after them ( not in alll cases).

Today I've been to church. More people gathered and a girl fainted and was taken outside.

This saturday is the last saturday of month, so I was free. My boss only asked me to pay attention if there are any online clients until 8 pm ( it's not my work, just exception).

Personally I've been educated in double Orthodox-Catholic christian spirit, from one side Catholic church is a little closer, because from the earliest childhood all holidays had been celebrated on new calendar, except Easter.

----------


## Suzi

Glad you've had today off!

----------


## selena

Yes, practically off, but now a reason for anxiety ( exposed in another thread) and one more thing I'll write about a little later.

----------


## selena

Photosession is to take place in 5 hours but I already have bad cramps in my stomach!

And I should also go to the office before.

----------


## Paula

You'll be brilliant, just try to relax  :):

----------


## OldMike

You'll be fine Selena  :):

----------


## Suzi

Hope it's going well!

----------


## selena

Thank you all, it was ok. I worked a little, but still have to translate a big pdf file, financial banking terminology.

I met once again the photographer, I told once that he and his wife are very pleasant people. She came, but then went home because one of their daughters got ill. 
He does have studies in Fine Arts, and probably has a good sense of intuition about others' feelings. He felt my tension and told me about it. We discussed a little and I got more relaxed. For this photosession I decided to change hair style - a kind of braids, a hard work for me as I did it many years ago and also had a hand trauma some time before. Ok, my mother helped me a lot with hair style.

But at photosession I came by myself. There were people in the park, sunny but a little windy day, that bothered me maybe a little.

He told me:" I prefer you to smile more, as when you're quiet you have a very sad and tragic expression...so that it really hurts." Never expected strange people to see this feature. He told me that there are no perfect people, from his point of view I have a very nice face, others do have especially nice lips, hands etc. Perfect people are very rare, and even they can be repulsive from his point of view. His opinion is that somebody's personality is the strongest complex feature.

He showed me some photos, well some were nice, but on photos I feel so fat and deformed...in comparison with previous years. When I imagine the bad comments of some of these online guys, especially Eastern ones. Wel, never expected it, but that's probably my doom. He is a good photographer and photos will be ready in a couple of days. He also said that in process of communication I'm very easy going and nice person.

I found some old photos of mine, did scan them at work... in the best way possible and I'll put them later.

Well, avoiding to fall into frame of nostalgia, I would say that I spent a rather good day.

----------

OldMike (02-04-16)

----------


## Suzi

That's so brilliant!

----------


## Paula

I saw the photos you scanned, you were a beautiful child and you're a beautiful woman.  Weight has nothing to do with that.  Look at Dawn French, Adele etc, all beautiful, all bigger.  And you're not as big as you think .......

----------

selena (02-04-16)

----------


## selena

> I saw the photos you scanned, you were a beautiful child and you're a beautiful woman.  Weight has nothing to do with that.  Look at Dawn French, Adele etc, all beautiful, all bigger.  And you're not as big as you think .......


Yes, but these are not so recent photos (I mean photos put today). Some years ago I got rid of my camera. Thank you for complement.

I'll take some breath and put a couple of recent photos soon. And weight is basically the same, but fluctuating.

----------


## Paula

Ah but I have seen one of your profile pics which was more recent  :O:

----------


## selena

> Ah but I have seen one of your profile pics which was more recent


Yes, that's right, the face photo. By the way, my face shape is also fluctuating because of hormones.

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart size isn't the be all and the end of it all... You have to stop being so hard on yourself.

----------


## selena

I went to bed very late, but I did finish 18 pages in 3 days, mostly on holidays. Just don't know how I managed to do it and my boss also wanted me to verify other translators' work.

Exams will soon come...additional stress.

Today was birthday of one of my colleagues and my boss wanted us all to come to the head office in order to celebarate it. I really didn't want, there were fewer of us, but to my unexpected surprise I felt happier than after communication with those online guys.

There is also a problem. One of my so called colleague ( not a translator) nicknamed "Judas" always tries to complot against others and tell false information to our boss. My boss is rather difficult person and I don't know how to deal with such hypocrite "honey" people.

----------


## Paula

Getting together, however briefly, with colleagues, perhaps people you can become friends with, is good for the soul.  And you know they have no expectations that you won't meet.

Wrt Judas, the best thing to do is ignore them imho. Your boss knows your worth and trusts you to do your job well.  That's what matters when facing these kind of people.

Once your exams are done, will you be able to look for work elsewhere?

----------


## selena

> Getting together, however briefly, with colleagues, perhaps people you can become friends with, is good for the soul.  And you know they have no expectations that you won't meet.
> 
> Wrt Judas, the best thing to do is ignore them imho. Your boss knows your worth and trusts you to do your job well.  That's what matters when facing these kind of people.
> 
> Once your exams are done, will you be able to look for work elsewhere?


i think yes.

----------


## Paula

That's great

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like you've done brilliantly today!

----------


## OldMike

Looks like you had a good day Selena.  :(nod):

----------


## selena

Not the easiest period for me now...

I have to read some (real) criminal files on rapes, manslaughter, homicide, murder and other offences. That's for my exam. I always liked tv shows in "Criminal Mind" style, but never thought that it would be so difficult to read all details about real offences. Sometimes it can get hard...

----------


## Flo

I can understand that completely Selena. When my son was training to be a police officer he was privy to some really horrendous and graphic material. All of it 'real life ' crime. He found it hard to believe some of the stuff went on in real life. Sadly he sees stuff first hand. It wouldn't be normal if you weren't slightly affected by it. Any decent human being would be. Don't know what you're studying but good luck, and I'm sure whatever it is, you'll be good at it. :):

----------

selena (05-04-16)

----------


## Suzi

Can you try to make it seem more like a story and not real?

----------

OldMike (05-04-16),selena (05-04-16)

----------


## Paula

Sweetie, anyone would struggle with that. I pray that you understand how strong you are and how proud we all are that you're doing these exams

----------

selena (05-04-16)

----------


## selena

Thank you for support and kind words.

I'll try to make it easier this way.

Flo, it's an exam to pass in order to become court translator.

----------


## Flo

> Thank you for support and kind words.
> 
> I'll try to make it easier this way.
> 
> Flo, it's an exam to pass in order to become court translator.


Wow, how wonderful, you clever lady. Well, very best of luck. I'm sure all will go well. I'll be thinking of you. :(y):

----------

selena (05-04-16)

----------


## selena

Thank you all, I really hope I will be able to pass it.

----------


## OldMike

I'm sure you'll do okay with your exams Selena.

----------


## selena

You know, I feel much more relaxed after I broke all contacts with one of so called 'friend' from the past, just letting her go her way without many comments.

I can't stand if someone is being bullied, in the building I work in there are more receptionists. One of them probably also struggles with depression, while others have the bad habit to judge and mistreat her. And these actions are done by adult women in their fifties or sixties.

----------


## Suzi

Have you spoken to her about it?

----------


## selena

No, not yet.

----------


## Paula

Maybe you could take her under your wing?

----------


## selena

I could invite her into office for a talk during break time.

----------


## Paula

That sounds like a good idea  :):

----------


## Suzi

Yes, or maybe start by striking up conversation and becoming friends?

----------


## selena

Another busy week has passed. Hopefully I'll get safe until Easter ( Eastern Easter is on May, 1). All week I've done just a translation and rewriting of my boss's site without any remuneration. And I haven't got my wage completely yet, she openly told everybody that now the money is more needed for her agency's development. My colleague from marketing department ordered a kind of banner and she got angry just because a shade of colour didn't seem appropriate to her! Even her husband was astonished.

What am I waiting for? Probably waiting for exam and for her reference letter to commission.

Just feeling tired, because everything remains the same...

----------


## rose

She is lucky to have any staff the way she treats you!

----------


## Paula

I'm with Rose! How long til your exam and results?

----------


## selena

> I'm with Rose! How long til your exam and results?


Exam schedule has not been announced yet, but I was told it would be either in the end of May or June.

----------


## Suzi

I think it's terrible that you are working for free!

----------


## selena

Yes, it's her dilemma. And the last thing: she wants me to translate the site into English, even unnecessary materials! This week she tried to put on me the Italian too, but I rejected it. I want to seriously discuss the subject, but I just don't know how to start...

----------


## Suzi

How about starting with "I was wondering when I was going to get paid?"

----------

selena (23-04-16)

----------


## selena

Thank you for suggestion, this way I hope to get a start by next week.

----------


## selena

Have you ever experienced desire to hide and run away from one side, and a painful persistent feeling of loneliness from other side?
And also excuses for mental health and blaming yourself?

It seems to me like I'm acting in an insane way experiencing these feelings.

----------


## OldMike

> Have you ever experienced desire to hide and run away from one side, and a painful persistent feeling of loneliness from other side?
> And also excuses for mental health and blaming yourself?
> 
> It seems to me like I'm acting in an insane way experiencing these feelings.


Yes I have those feelings Selena wanting to hide yet feeling lonely when I do and blaming myself for how I am.

You're NOT acting insanely selena it's the depression making you feel like that.

----------

selena (24-04-16)

----------


## Suzi

I completely agree with Mike. You are not acting insanely...

----------


## selena

It was a nice day. Actually my boss paid me all my salary and was very nice. That's probably because some of my colleagues left or went abroad.
Maybe she was more peaceful before Easter, I don't know.

Actually I lived today a stressfull moment. Suddenly a woman from nearby shop passed to my door like bad wind. She had pretentions because one day ago my office was partially covered and not transparent, pretending that because of this her boss's shop is not seen well (complete nonsense!) and she doesn't have customers. I didn't get into conflict with her, saying that I'm not actually the boss. My boss later assured me that everything will be ok and she is to deal with any problems.

I revealed one of my collaegues problem with lumps, she told me she experienced the same and doc said it was due to her high level of anxiety.

----------


## Suzi

That's a really positive post! Well done!

----------


## selena

Today I'm free, as it's second day after Easter here. My boss hasn't bothered me. 

Actually she is not very reliable. As I've written before, my holiday is supposed to be taken in autumn (as my exams are to be held in summer). Recently my boss told her emplyees that she will prepare some holiday tours either in Lithuania or Tunisia (at choice). I've written this on my FB. Actually I don't believe her so much. I hope that she will pay us properly instead.

I would prefer to visit UK, but I doubt about weather conditions in fall.

Just dreams, as I cannot trust her...

----------


## Jaquaia

Selena, it doesn't matter what time of the year you visit the UK, it will rain anyway!

----------

selena (02-05-16)

----------


## selena

At least there are no hard frosts in UK.

----------


## S deleted

I wouldn't say never

----------


## Paula

Contrary to what most think, most of the UK is very, very beautiful

----------

selena (02-05-16)

----------


## Jaquaia

Yorkshire is stunning. Not that I'm biased...

----------


## selena

If I only could take 10 days off in October...

----------


## Suzi

There are so many beautiful parts of the UK! What kind of things do you like to visit?

----------


## selena

I'm not sure yet. Probably many, but it won't be much time.

----------


## selena

Today I've remained home, because I have really high fever. Yesterday late started a nightmare: extremely tired, inflamated tonsils and really high fever. So I was literally crawling. The most striking is that it arrived later and I even ate ice cream before.
Now I'm better, but decided to remain home, although my boss can eat me out (at least not very glad about it).

----------


## Paula

:Panda:  rest up hunni

----------


## Suzi

Hope you feel better soon.

----------


## selena

Thank you, so do I.

----------


## Flo

Hope you're feeling better soon Selena!...drink plenty.xx

----------


## OldMike

Hope you're feeling better soon Selena.  :(bear):

----------


## rose

> Recently my boss told her emplyees that she will prepare some holiday tours either in Lithuania or Tunisia (at choice). .


As far as I am aware, Tunisia is a country that is still strongly recommended you don't travel to. So I would chose Lithuania of the two!

I hope you feel better soon!

----------

Flo (12-05-16)

----------


## selena

> As far as I am aware, Tunisia is a country that is still strongly recommended you don't travel to. So I would chose Lithuania of the two!
> 
> I hope you feel better soon!


Thank you, rose. I won't go there for sure,there could happen really atrocious things.
About Lithuania I also doubt because my boss probably won't assure this trip.

Anyway, earlier or later I'm planning to take a good holiday.

----------


## selena

My tonsils hurt like a wound and rather high fever.

I wonder why my immune system has gone so down.

----------


## Paula

People pick up viruses, hunni, it's just one of those things

----------


## selena

Yes, that is logically.

However I've had nigtmares since autumn, and very much afraid that they could come true. Seldom my dreams did come true.

I'm so anxious about it and the last cases of death nearby.

----------


## Trying hard

Minds can play tricks when it comes to sleep. Nightmares are awful. Do you use sleep balm or relaxation before sleep

----------


## selena

> Minds can play tricks when it comes to sleep. Nightmares are awful. *Do you use sleep balm or relaxation before sleep*


No, but it sounds like a good idea.

----------


## Trying hard

With my kiddiea they used to have nightmares and I made some relaxation music disks for them and they played them on low and they were out for the count. 
I also bought sleep pillow mist and sleep balm (Avon) for them and they used it. Whether it was that or the music that worked Idont know, but they were a lot better for it

----------

selena (12-05-16)

----------


## selena

4 customers phoned me today, but I was too bad to get to the office. Feeling a little "guilty", 3 of them promised to come on Monday.

----------


## Paula

You're poorly, there's no need to feel guilty

----------


## selena

I'm feeling so upset today. I'm not so stupid not to get how the things work out.
I have already a lot of translations to do and no free time! And after work one of managers called me to tell that my boss ordered that I should do some more translations till midnight for tomorrow!
I stood up for myself and I'm not ashamed because I really feel bad. But I get very anxious when I imagine her reaction.

I'm fed up. My mom tells me to have some patience till exam, although she agrees I've done it right. But taking into consideration that I won't remain where I am, is there any point in this sacrifice?
No appropriate remuneration after all.

Or am I wrong?

----------


## Jaquaia

You did right to stand up for yourself. That is ridiculous expecting you to work until midnight.

----------


## OldMike

> You did right to stand up for yourself. That is ridiculous expecting you to work until midnight.


I agree with Jaq you were right to stand up for yourself Selena. Being expected to work till midnight without any extra remuneration is just not on.

----------


## Paula

Absolutely, 100% right! Well done, lovely

----------


## selena

Thank you for support. I just don't know how I could have hoped otherwise.

When I think about my boss who I expect to meet with others tomorrrow. She got so greedy.

----------


## Suzi

I'm so glad that you stood up to her!

----------


## selena

I just wanted to say that I've been very exhausted at my work place.

----------


## Paula

Are you taking any time off soon?

----------


## selena

> Are you taking any time off soon?


Sincerely, I don't know. I've thought of going to Riga in October, but considering my bad relationship with my dad, I doubt it, as I have nowhere else to stay.

But I would takea  break earlier with pleasure, as I'm already feeling exhausted.

----------


## Suzi

Have you spoken to your manager about your workload?

----------


## selena

Yes, but I've had just a little succes, I feel burned out.

----------


## Paula

Let me put it a different way. When was the last time you had any time off?

----------


## selena

> Let me put it a different way. When was the last time you had any time off?


In August.

----------


## Suzi

Are you still working in the evenings and weekends?

----------


## selena

> Are you still working in the evenings and weekends?


Evenings no, weekends sometimes.

----------


## Suzi

You are going to have to find a way that you aren't. Can you stop bringing work home with you?

----------


## Paula

> In August.


10 months????? Selena that is not healthy .....

----------


## selena

I know, and really don't know how to manage the situation.

----------


## Suzi

Go in and tell her that you need some rest!

----------


## selena

Saturday will be my boss husband's birthday. And she wants to invite us all for a barbecue in a country location.

My colleague asked me to come, but I don't want at all. Although there will be only our team. I'm not feeling exactly comfortable. Although most of my colleagues are rather friendly.

Also something about slimming. My face gets slimmer, but the other parts of body haven't made any progress yet.

----------


## Suzi

If you don't want to go then don't....

----------


## selena

I'm afraid I should as my boss imposes her will in this case.

----------


## Suzi

You might have fun?

----------


## selena

I doubt.

----------


## Jaquaia

So don't go. You're a grown woman. It isn't part of you contract is it? If not, she can't make you.

----------

Suzi (24-06-16)

----------


## selena

I went to my boss husband's birthday, it was not easy and I've had a bad headache, but I was happy to spend some time with my colleagues. And besides all, he is not a bad man.

----------


## Jaquaia

Sometimes making ourselves do things isn't as painful as we build it up to be.

----------


## Paula

Why besides all? Did you think he was a bad man?

----------


## selena

I didn't, but I had my fears. All, she is the boss and he is her right hand. The difference is that he has never put pressure on anybody.

----------


## Suzi

Glad you had fun. Are you glad you went?

----------


## selena

Generally yes, although I've had a really hard inner struggle.

----------


## Suzi

What inner struggle?

----------


## selena

Because I distanced myself from many events  for many years because of my physical and psychological condition. And my depression.

Now I feel a little better.

I can't believe I bought a new bag  for this event, although I took another one.

One of work mates suggested that we get sometimes for a walk in a park.

----------


## Paula

Selena, maybe you could take an exercise in positive thinking? You work yourself up by assuming anyone you meet, whether at work, socially etc, or anything you do/get invited to, is going to turn out bad.  And then you enjoy yourself.  Socials like these are the sort of places you should be meeting people who could be friends/boyfriends and it would be wonderful if you could relax, have fun, and stop worrying

----------


## selena

Yes, it's not easy for me. Because I've had depression. But today I haven't felt suicidal, that is why I decided to attend the event.
The only thing bothering me are my lumps.

----------


## Jaquaia

It's not easy for any of us but our options are fight or let it consume us and control us.

----------


## Suzi

The photo you put up on FB was great! 
It's not only depression which stops us from getting involved in these things.. But it's important that you do

----------

selena (26-06-16)

----------


## selena

And, in fact, my colleagues can't even guess the inner struggles I cope with.

----------


## OldMike

That's the thing about depression the inner struggles are unseen and it's something we battle each day.

Beautiful pic of you and your colleagues you posted on FB.  :):

----------

selena (26-06-16)

----------


## Suzi

> And, in fact, my colleagues can't even guess the inner struggles I cope with.


That's the same that nearly everyone with chronic illness or unseen illnesses...

----------


## selena

Thank you, Mike.

The thing is that my mother refuses to go to psychologist. I wanted that we two get an appointment, but there is no way here.

----------


## selena

I would like to ask. Does it happen that you have nausea, stomack cramps, heart problems and other symptoms, if you are very anxious?

----------


## Paula

Yes, every one. It's classic signs of an anxiety attack

----------


## Jaquaia

Not so much problems as it can feel like your heart is racing. Everyones symptoms are different but I feel dizzy, my mouth goes dry, it feels like my heart is pounding, I have cold sweats, feel very agitated and when it's really bad, I feel sick.

----------


## selena

I just don't know what to do if I have such attack in public places or at work. I feel very scared.

----------


## OldMike

> I would like to ask. Does it happen that you have nausea, stomack cramps, heart problems and other symptoms, if you are very anxious?


I used to be a bit like that when I was younger probably in my late 30's early 40's, feeling sick, unable to eat, my heart beating very fast, hands shaking and sweating.

----------


## Jaquaia

Distraction is great, there are a few things you can try. Breath in as you count to 2, breathe out and count to four. Centre yourself by touch 3 places on your body until it eases....It's finding something that works for you. Have a look at the distraction thread

----------

selena (26-06-16)

----------


## Paula

Sit down, drink some water, distractions and breath deeply.  Remember it WILL pass

----------

selena (26-06-16)

----------


## Suzi

Counting repeatedly to 10 focus on your breathing..

----------

selena (26-06-16)

----------


## Angie

I agree with the counting to 10

----------

selena (26-06-16),Suzi (26-06-16)

----------


## Jarre

It is always also worth having a safe spot in your head. i.e. a happy memory to concentrate on, its something that phycs have you doing when going through various trauma therapies if things get a bit to much for you, it helps calm things down along with the breathing, eyes closed and concentrate.

----------

selena (27-06-16)

----------


## selena

I'm feeling so tired and burnt out. Sometimes during the working day I barely keep my emotions inside and don't burst into tears. 

Sometimes feel just desire to vanish. It's so difficult with my boss's pressure and dictatorship manner.

I even lost appetite...

----------


## Jaquaia

You need to try and take some time off.

----------


## Suzi

Please get some time off lovely...

----------


## selena

It's strange, but sometimes I just want to leave and give up. She is like a dictator and always puts pressure on workers, not everyone has resisted...

----------


## Suzi

There is nothing stopping you from looking around to see if there are other jobs you might be able to apply for...

----------


## selena

I do think most people have evil roots in their nature. I never aimed to be the best, just doing my work, and the writer herself chose me as the best translator for her book.

Well, I did observe that some translations of 1-2 colleagues are based on google translate system, but I never said a word against them. They failed and now wanted to prove one of supposed translations was bad. The thing is that their variants failed. I never get people without empathy, as I never try to put down someone, just using constructive criticism.

----------


## Suzi

I don't agree that most people have evil roots in their nature at all. I think most people are good, I've only ever met a couple in my life who I would say weren't "good."

----------


## Jaquaia

I think evil is a bit strong. Some may be selfish, self-centred or self-absorbed, but I wouldn't say most people have evil roots. Some just aren't very nice people but do tend to have redeeming qualities when you dig deeper

----------


## selena

The people I'm talking about can push and pass over your body only to reach their goals. I'm so fed up with them and their set of intrigues.

----------


## selena

The thing is that I feel very bad, my life turned a hell. I just want to vanish in the infinite. I cannot stop crying.

----------


## Jaquaia

How has your life turned to hell? Selena, only you can change what you aren't happy with. We can support you but the effort needs to come from you.

----------


## selena

I'm very unhappy with my current work and pressure everywhere.

Yes, I'm grateful for your support.

----------


## Suzi

> The thing is that I feel very bad, my life turned a hell. I just want to vanish in the infinite. I cannot stop crying.


Have you seen a Dr about how you are feeling? Are you on medication? 
If you are feeling this bad then you do have to do something about it. Go and see a Dr, tell the everything and get some proper medical help. 




> I'm very unhappy with my current work and pressure everywhere.


Then are you looking around for alternative employment? What other pressure?

----------


## selena

Pressure from my boss, home, online.

----------


## Jaquaia

Suzi is right. What is stopping you from trying for other jobs? What can you do to get past that? Break everything down in to small steps. That way it doesn't feel so daunting.

----------


## Jaquaia

Online from H?

----------


## Suzi

What pressure online? From the dating sites? Sweetheart, just don't even open those sites, give yourself a break. 
Home? From your Mum? That's not so easy to solve, but all you can do is keep talking to her.. 
Your boss? Either stand up and say "no" or look for another job....

----------


## selena

Yes, but mainly in real life, also a jealous colleague who tries to hurt others.

----------


## Suzi

> Yes, but mainly in real life, also a jealous colleague who tries to hurt others.


I'm sorry, I don't understand. You said pressure from online, but now you are saying in real life... Which is the biggest problem? What about real life in detail?

----------


## selena

I think I've just burnt out.

The biggest problem is in real life:at work and at home.

----------


## Jaquaia

Selena, you are all over the place when you tell us about what is bothering you. Let's start with work.What are the biggest problems at work?

----------


## Suzi

I agree, let's break it down to smaller specifics....

----------


## selena

I'm sorry, I was simply destroyed yesterday.

So, here how it goes:
1. My boss would prefer me to work till autumn, I'm already burnt out. Most of my colleagues are nice, but there are two nasty people. A woman who actually did google translations and we never complained on her, giving her another chance, tries to compromise other colleagues, including myself. I'm fed up with these lies (that I did something wrong or told something wrong and many nasty things). There is also a vulgar man who tried to approach me, but it was harrasment, I didn't tell anything, but he insists again when he sees me.

2. At home not very calm atmosphere. My mum is basically against H.

3. H. gets more distant and finally he told me:" Do what you want, I don't like your manner of behaviour". What is he talking about? I apologized enough, if he copes with difficulties, I could have been very supportive. Where did I go wrong? Or I'm the hysterical woman, while he is the busy and really tired man?
4. My own issues as well as photo session tomorrow, organized by my boss. An additional stress.

On a good side, my boss made for me and my colleagues personalized business card and I cope well with customers and nobody complained on my translations, although some jealous people from company tried to criticize my work without any reason in front of my boss. The thing is that many people turned down their translations and now these 2 are jealous, but I never criticized them and I'm always only for constructive criticism. I feel such a crazy loser, like I cannot stand up for my interests.

----------


## Paula

1. Tell your boss you're entitled to a holiday and you're going to take it. End of.   Ignore the bitches - there are always some in a office.  The man - make a note of what he says and when he says it, for evidence. Then tell him you'll call the police if he does it again.  That's work sorted

2. Your mum is against H. She's right. Tell her that.

3. H is an arsehole. Get rid of him.  And you've done a photo session once, you can do it again.

If people are commenting to your boss, tell them they're unreasonable and, if your boss or customers have a problem with your work, you will talk to your boss then,

Sorted

----------

Angie (01-07-16),selena (01-07-16)

----------


## selena

Thank you, Paula, I'll think over it.

There are actually two people who do this sort of things against me and others. Our team is generally friendly and nice. Neither my boss nor any customer had any problems with my work so far.

----------


## Suzi

> 1. Tell your boss you're entitled to a holiday and you're going to take it. End of.   Ignore the bitches - there are always some in a office.  The man - make a note of what he says and when he says it, for evidence. Then tell him you'll call the police if he does it again.  That's work sorted
> 
> 2. Your mum is against H. She's right. Tell her that.
> 
> 3. H is an arsehole. Get rid of him.  And you've done a photo session once, you can do it again.
> 
> If people are commenting to your boss, tell them they're unreasonable and, if your boss or customers have a problem with your work, you will talk to your boss then,
> 
> Sorted


This is exactly what I was thinking!

----------


## selena

Here it's very difficult to find a good psychologist. 
But I think I need it, at least try.

----------


## selena

Finally I have some good news, I've got promoted at current work place, not only being a translator, but a general manager at University department translation office.

I'm overwhelmed, although feeling insecure about everything. Boss mentioned that everything is all right and customers are satified not only because of my linguistic skills, but also cause of my polite manner of holding discussion.

A photographer came to the office today to take my photo for general presentation and personal bussines.

BUT! He Did Not Put any photoshop! Not even covering moles caused by sun and birth marks! The good thing is that he made me smile, a rare thing, in fact a very pleasant person. And I seem to be so extraweight and burnt by sun.

I'll put photo only because you're nearby, as if someone says something you're here for support.

You can congratulate me, but there is a reverse side: too much extra work even on holidays and some other moments.

So thank you all, I hope you have a good day!

----------

OldMike (08-07-16)

----------


## Suzi

That's brilliant! Well done! Congratulations!

----------


## Paula

Congratulations - it shows you're good at your job and a lovely person (which we all knew). Focus on the good stuff  :):

----------


## selena

Today I've finished  translation of 127-pages PDF file. Still can't believe it!

----------


## Flo

Congratulations from me too Selena. You must be highly regarded at work. I'm sure you'll love your new position. :(bear):

----------

selena (20-07-16)

----------


## selena

Yes, but changes come very slowly.

----------


## Suzi

Not that slow!

----------


## selena

I've had an appointment with ENT specialist today. He said things got much better, he prescribed me vitamin tablets that I'm supposed to take in a two week period. They are rather expensive, but if doc prescribed ... He saw my anxiety and I told me that I don't have to worry about this, there are no signs pointing at tumours etc. I think I should trust him. As my condition can be strengthened by vulnerability and much stress at work.  I think I should trust him.

And in a month the next appointment.

----------

OldMike (21-07-16)

----------


## Suzi

That's really positive! It's good they have checked you over completely!

----------


## OldMike

Hope the vitamins do the trick Selena and try not to worry as it looks like things are improving.  :(bear):

----------


## selena

I hope so too, although I didn't get an appointment to additional specialists, as my doc considers there are no suspicious signs.

----------

OldMike (22-07-16)

----------


## Suzi

I hope you are trusting your Dr.... Hopefully this will stop at least some of your worrying...

----------


## selena

Today I've started thinking about some quality leisure time: I don't remember when it was the last time I read a good fiction, watched a good movie etc.

It was my dad's birthday, so I talked to him over phone, although I knew nothing changed about him or grandma...

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:

----------


## selena

I've had an appointment with dentist today. I don't feel the consequences a lot. Lumps again...

My psychological condition is a disaster instead... I'm feeling very lonely and destroyed, desperately hoping like a stupid for some changes.

----------


## Jaquaia

What do you think the biggest issue you have is?

----------


## Suzi

What? You have more lumps or are they the same lumps? 

Have you thought any more about seeing a counsellor or a psychiatrist?

----------


## selena

One more lump.

Yes, I've thought.

The main issue is however pressure at work, my doc said that this kind of stress could bring anyone to the edge.

----------


## Suzi

Are you looking around for another job?

----------


## selena

I'm better today.

I'm afraid it's not possible at the moment, there is nothing better here yet. I just need a break. Generally I can't change the system.

----------


## Suzi

But are you actively looking for different employment?

----------


## selena

Yes, not now.

But I will see what could change after exam.

----------


## Suzi

When is your exam?

----------


## rose

Selena, did you ever get an explanation of what the lumps are?

----------


## selena

Exam is expected to be in September or October, I don't know yet.

No concrete explanation, pharyngitis consequence.

----------


## rose

So the lumps are in your neck?

----------


## selena

The ones I'm very concerned, yes. Although there is no concrete evidence, just a kind of specific condition. 
My doc told me that is about stress too, cause I have endocrine disorder.

----------


## Suzi

What did they say it was?

----------


## selena

Like consequence of tonsillitis. Well, in a month I will be checked again.

I feels so lost. Professionally it's more or less ok, but I suffer because of loneliness and because of my depressive mood, I'm feeling like I'm completely unable to change something.

I have plans, but I cannot get over some things.

I don't know what I could have done without your support.

----------


## selena

If I can't cope with depression, I think I'll see specialist despite my mum's protests. I fight but not everything is in my power.

----------


## rose

You don't currently receive any treatment for depression and anxiety? I thought you did!

----------


## selena

No, it was many years ago, basically nitrozepam.

Here unfortunately there is no normal medical care provided.

----------


## Jaquaia

I thought you did too! No wonder you're struggling! Can you ask your gp about taking an antidepressant?

----------


## bluerose

I think 35 is about the age you can safely have children generally speaking. Have you considered fostering or adoption or getting a pet? It is better to have a partner you want to be with than be stuck with you don't. want.Keep trying and don't give up and then at least you have a chance. At least your medication is working. It's horrible to be hysterical . Have you tried ASMR videos on YouTube? I find these quite relaxing or try a crossword. Even if you get a partner, it is no guarantee they will look after you in old age. There will be someone to look after you. I thought I was alone but I'm now in touch with the Community Mental Health Team and have found them very helpful. I'm in Britain. I don't know if you have something similar in your country but you could ask around. Maybe try a medication to calm you down when you get hysterical.When I worry about the future I try to live one hour at a time and use it as constructively as possible.

----------


## selena

No, I haven't yet, as for adopting a pet - yes, I 've thought, especially after my kitty passed away some months ago. 

Videos seem to be a good idea, I'll have a look.

----------



----------


## Paula

> I've had an appointment with ENT specialist today. He said things got much better, he prescribed me vitamin tablets that I'm supposed to take in a two week period. They are rather expensive, but if doc prescribed ... He saw my anxiety and I told me that I don't have to worry about this, there are no signs pointing at tumours etc. I think I should trust him. As my condition can be strengthened by vulnerability and much stress at work.  I think I should trust him.
> 
> And in a month the next appointment.


Good, again you've been told the lumps are related to pharyngitis and hormones, it's not cancer. You should trust the dr - as several Drs have said the same thing. So please, please stop worrying about this.

And please see a dr about your MH.  Have you had a formal diagnosis or review recently?

----------


## selena

Unfortunately no.

----------


## Jaquaia

No to a formal diagnosis or a review?

----------


## selena

Some years ago it was mentioned as "depression as traumatic effect", the other specialist feared bipolar disorder. It was in Latvia. So I'm confused about everything.

----------


## Jaquaia

You need to go and speak to your doctor. You need to be completely honest with him about how you're feeling and at least try some form of treatment, whether it is antidepressants or talking therapies. The medication you mentioned is not an antidepressant, but is a benzodiazepine that is meant to be used short term. Please go and see your doctor.

----------

OldMike (31-07-16)

----------


## selena

I should choose the local doctor, it's not so simple, but I could start the process.

----------


## Jaquaia

Then do it. You will not get better if you aren't prepared to help yourself

----------


## Paula

> I should choose the local doctor, it's not so simple, but I could start the process.


Yes you do! Immediately

----------


## Suzi

Hope you are going to do it! You deserve to get better and be happy x

----------


## OldMike

I agree totally with Jaq and the previous posters, Selena you need to see a doctor and be totally honest as to how you feel with him/her.

----------


## selena

You cannot imagine how angry I am. My boss told me today that I have no right to take holiday in August or September and even in October! Cause I and others are like "rented property", who may take holiday only from November. And saying that I was absent during neraly a year only 5 times! 
That's ridiculous, so she dares to exploit anyone as she wants, trying to give the wrong state of things!
Or did she forget how much work I've been doing till now?!

----------


## Suzi

Then maybe you need to work only in the timed hours, not evenings and weekends!

----------

selena (10-08-16)

----------


## selena

Thank you, Suzi. Unfortunately I don't have much choice, so I have only one free Saturday per month.

----------


## S deleted

Of course you have a choice. If you are employed for 40hrs per week you work 40 hrs per week. If the workload cannot be completed in that time then it's down to your boss to either not take on so much work or hire someone to help you.

----------

Suzi (11-08-16)

----------


## Paula

You have a choice. If she's unwilling to accept the hard work you put in, then work normal, not extended, hours and go home and have a social life outside work. Your work/life balance is horrendous yet she still undermines you

----------


## selena

Just shared my joy on a social account. Today I've been for the time at baby birth!
My friend gave birth to a healthy baby girl.

I'm tired, but it was an unique and amazing experience!

----------

Paula (21-08-16),rose (21-08-16)

----------


## Suzi

That's fabulous!

----------

selena (21-08-16)

----------


## Paula

Congrats to all  :):

----------

selena (21-08-16)

----------


## selena

Today I've had a good, but very full day: a lot of customers, although everybody normal and satisfied with my work.

The problem is with my director. She didn't pay me and the most of my colleagues for work done in July. The apparent reason - someone did extra work for another company and the other person took money from customers without asking her permission.
But what did I have to do with it, and in fact most of my colleagues?
I've always been loyal, I have no father or boyfriend to get money from or spoil me, like she refers to anybody in the company.

She said we were in a way 'nothing" when she employed us into her agency. Doesn't she contradict herself?

----------


## Suzi

That's outrageous! Can you complain to anyone?

----------


## Paula

Are there no laws/rights n place to protect you from that?

----------


## selena

Well, here the things are difficult. But I'll try to sort it out today.

----------


## Suzi

I think you have to lovely...

----------


## OldMike

Surely it is illegal to withhold pay from an employee for work they've done.

----------


## selena

She promised to give it to me the next week.

----------


## Suzi

Hope that she does....

----------


## rose

By next week she'll owe you for August too! I know you get a salary, but do you have to wait for the commission on translations, i.e. does she charge them, wait to get paid, then give you your cut?

----------


## selena

She gives only some details every email. So she called me today and promised to give salary on Monday.

----------


## Suzi

Glad you're going to be paid on Monday.

----------


## selena

Today it was a religious holiday. I went to church, but I felt very very uncomfortable cause there was very crowded. 

In the Orthodox church people have a very bad habitude to hold in  hands candles even in crowded spaces, close to other people's back.

I usually pull my hair up, but this time I've simply forgotten. So, I suffered a sudden and unexpected shock, when my hair got burnt by a candle held by an older woman.

Thank God, nothing serious happened. But I nearly cried after all this.

----------


## Paula

Oh hunni, that must have been scary - I'm not surprised you were tearful!

----------


## Suzi

Oh my goodness! Hope that you're OK! That would have been terrifying!

----------


## rose

Oh no!!!!  :(:

----------


## selena

Thank you, I'm fine, but suffered a great stress.

----------


## rose

I'm not surprised! I'd be so sad if my hair got burnt! Did much get burnt off?

----------


## selena

Not much, but still. My hair is not straight, that's why it's passed unnoticed.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:   :Panda:   :Panda:

----------


## selena

Another tooth of wisdom is in process of development, that is why I'm currently coping with pains. Only painkillers can help.

I was told that another one should be covered with ceramic crown with metal (natural white colour). But before this I should follow treatment and choose between dental pinlay or just pivot crown.


I'm really confused.

What else? My boss took a 5-day holiday, while the team "parasytes" works. A girl was fired with no reason and a new colleague resigned because of her way of treating people.

----------


## Paula

Over here, any wisdom teeth that are causing trouble are just taken out. We don't need them. We only have them because we evolved to replace our molars that were lost through bad dental hygiene in ancient times - and, certainly in the western world, we rarely lose molars anymore - my piece of useless knowledge for you  :O:

----------

selena (30-08-16)

----------


## selena

I'm so so tired of everything: of my boss, busy hours, not very accurate translators for whose works I should blush (example:"average minimum" instead of "minimum average", it's not about the fact they're tired), multiple tasks, basically no holidays, everything...

I'm always given multiple tasks, it is abnormal. Do you think it is normal to be at once customer office manager, translator, sometimes editor and just customer service girl?
I think I'm going crazy.

----------


## Paula

Then leave.

----------


## selena

I want to, just waiting for my exam to pass. The thing is that now I'm the only one who works in our family. My mom basically does work about the house, and I work.
Today here it's a bank holiday, but I verify my colleague's work.

----------


## Suzi

When is your exam?

----------


## selena

Just imagine, the Ministry hasn't posted any announcement yet. But I guess no later than November.

It's a pity I cannot have this year any proper holiday abroad and it's strange but sometimes I'm afraid of starting crying in my office (thankfully, there are no other colleagues nearby).

----------


## Suzi

Can you call someone and ask when they will be?

----------


## selena

Yes, I can call tomorrow.

----------


## Paula

I thought it was due to take place earlier than that ...

----------


## selena

So did I.

----------


## selena

I hope this period just vanishes, as I'm ashamed to say, but I'm feeling so uncomfortable and unhappy...

----------


## Suzi

Then call them and find out lovely..

----------


## selena

Today I've struggled with a couple of sad and even a little "suicidal'' thoughts. Thank God, I've had normal clients and in fact enjoyed a rather peaceful day.

I left office at 5 pm, and took my client's translation. We agreed to meet on my road home, after I handed him the document, he thanked me and kissed my hand. I must admit I blushed...
Another  client - a woman, gave me a black chocolate bar. It's pleasant, but I feel so uncomfortable in these moments.

The worst thing is that I can't properly take capsules, they seem so big to get them at once. These are capsules and I get into panic and mostly manage to take them after gelatine "leaves" the capsule in my hands:

----------


## Jaquaia

Have you been to a doctor and had your depression diagnosed?

----------


## selena

I'm currently waiting for appointment.

----------


## Jaquaia

Then please be honest with them and they can take steps to help you

----------


## Suzi

Sorry, I don't understand. What are the capsules?

----------


## selena

> Sorry, I don't understand. What are the capsules?


A type of pill I'm afraid of taking, I mean problems in process of taking them.
Here it is:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capsule_(pharmacy)

I've been prescribed pills in mentioned pharmacy form.

----------


## Paula

What are the capsules for? And I bet they're smaller than some food you've swallowed .........

----------


## Jaquaia

Yes but what are they? Is it the form you struggle with?  Would you be able to take them in tablet form?

----------


## selena

Doc prescribed them in order to boost the immune system weakened by stress and hormonal problems. I've already taken them for one-week period, but if I get it right, they lose their effect if not taken integrally or divided etc.

No, he said there is no tablet form for them.

----------


## Jaquaia

But what are they called? Do you struggle taking them because of how big they are or is it another reason?

----------


## selena

Polijen caps. First of all because they are big and I'm struggling every time to take them integrally. And then general fear of its effect. I know that sounds stupid.

They are big like on pic.

----------


## Jaquaia

It doesn't sound stupid. Read the patient information leaflet so you know what side effects are possible. I've just googled it and from a quick glance, nothing seems that severe. I would recommend drinking a lot of water when you take it

----------


## selena

Thanks, I'll try. I want to say that after taking them around a week, I'm not feeling so tired as before.

----------


## Suzi

They look like a multi vitamin type medication. I can't see anything problematic in it either. 
Try taking bit of bread, rolling it up into that size and practice swallowing those..

----------


## rose

I have a problem swallowing some big pills. My Quetiapine, for instance, is big and can't be split into smaller pieces because it's meant to break down slowly in the body (modified release).
I recently started taking omega3, they are really big!!!
Try sipping water before attempting to take the pill, I find a few normal swallows before the one with the pill helps me to relax about swallowing.

----------


## selena

My boss calmed down and I have to say that a psychologist in our team became a precious member.

Today we celebrated birthday of one of my colleagues, it was nice.

----------


## Suzi

Glad that she has calmed down.

----------


## selena

I want to mention that I have been struggling for some time with pains in my left knee. I noticed for the first time the acute pain in March, during a stressful moment. But it didn't stop and yesterday it suddenly got accute and I got fever (although I don't know if it's connected to the first one).

I don't get it, but read that sometimes inflammatory processes in articulations are caused by other illnesses, including endocrine diseases. I don't remember any traumas that could have caused this pain. 

I'm really upset about it. I guess x-ray examination should be done.

----------


## Jaquaia

Stop googling your symptoms and see a doctor. It could simply be a strain or something simple like tendonitis or bursitis. Haven't you said before that you've had endocrine investigations done and they found nothing but PCOS?

----------


## Flo

> I want to mention that I have been struggling for some time with pains in my left knee. I noticed for the first time the acute pain in March, during a stressful moment. But it didn't stop and yesterday it suddenly got accute and I got fever (although I don't know if it's connected to the first one).
> 
> I don't get it, but read that sometimes inflammatory processes in articulations are caused by other illnesses, including endocrine diseases. I don't remember any traumas that could have caused this pain. 
> 
> I'm really upset about it. I guess x-ray examination should be done.


Hi Selena....well if you've had it before and in March, I very much doubt it's anything serious other wise you'd know about it before now. Don't be upset...knees are funny things. My right knee squeaks when I come down stairs!...if it persists over a long period and bothers you everyday then have it looked at. If it only bothers you every now and then and it goes away for weeks I wouldn't stress yourself over it. And DON'T look things up on google and medical websites otherwise you'll think you have everything! See how it goes.

----------


## selena

Yes that's true.

My medical translations probably just increase the stress linked to my problems.

----------


## Paula

I know knees, believe me that if there was something seriously wrong, there wouldn't be a six month period between pain attacks.  You could have twisted it doing anything, rest, ice it and elevate it and it'll be fine I'm sure

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart I'm sure it's nothing to be worried about. Knees do weird things..

----------


## selena

Luckily it seems there is nothing wrong with my knee, inflammation of tendons seems to be a common complaint among office workers.

But lumps...again and again...

It seems there is no end and I feel totally desperate and exhausted.

----------


## Flo

I'm so sorry you feel low Selena..any chance you can take a couple of days off just to rest up and recharge your batteries? :(bear):

----------


## selena

I'm afraid no.

----------


## Suzi

Where are the lumps?

----------


## selena

On skin and throat (sensation).

----------


## Suzi

Have you shown the doctor?

----------


## selena

Yes, I've complained.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry, do you mean you've been and shown the doctor your lumps? What did they say?

----------


## selena

They prescribed treatment for those on throat, but not much progress has been achieved, although doc tried to convince me there is nothing to worry about. it's pharyngitis consequence from their point of view.

As for those on skin, they can be eliminated, but the first biopsy should be done.

----------


## Jaquaia

Can I ask why you won't believe the doctor when they say the lumps are nothing to worry about?  They go through years and years of university study, practical study, training and exams. They know what they're talking about.  Who has said about a biopsy?

----------


## rose

> throat (sensation).


Do you mean inside your throat?

----------


## selena

Yes, rose.

----------


## Flo

Pharyngitis can cause little lumps to appear. Not a lot they can do about it. But like Jaq says selena, try not to worry, if the doctor has looked down your throat and said not to worry, then don't worry! I'm sure they'll disappear by themselves. Make sure you drink plenty of water or juice.

----------

selena (13-09-16)

----------


## selena

Thank you, Flo. I just don't get why they can't disappear forever.

----------


## Suzi

I'm sure they will in time..

----------


## selena

Nothing new here, just usual state of anxiety. In the process of working my thoughts get dark and I get very anxious, nearly on the point of crying or beating head against the wall...

I just a need a break, although I don't have any problems with translation.


My boss wants me to pass my exam for certification of court translator in 4 languages. I don't agree, I have a lot of work to do and not only in the office, even a text of spousal trial on alimony might be very complex.

----------


## Paula

What don't you agree with? The exam or the number of languages?

----------


## selena

The number of languages, I think 3 is enough. My boss and others simply want everything done at once. No wonder, she has no studies in the field and nor human sense of comprehension.

I'm already very anxious.

----------


## Paula

Then tell her.

----------


## selena

I've told her, after all it is my decision. 

I don't know why, maybe because I haven't had a holiday for a year, I'm feeling very very low.

----------


## Suzi

Have you been to your Dr and told them how you are feeling?

----------


## selena

I'm still waiting for my appointment.

----------


## Suzi

Can you call and try getting a cancellation?

----------

magie06 (24-09-16)

----------


## selena

Yes, I can.

----------


## selena

Just imagine my boss's indifference to her employees weekend!

Today she phoned me in spare time and asked if I can translate a text. I rejected of course. I can't complain I have a bad job, but sometimes it's so difficult getting along with her!

----------


## Paula

Well done for saying no!

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad too! Well done!

----------


## selena

I've had a rather stressful day...But everything ended well.

So, first talking about professional side. A woman came to my office at around 11 a.m. She needed an urgent translation from document into German, and sometimes it's difficult to find a suitable translator into German, especially for urgent translations and more complex documents! She was misguided by a novice from our office who wrongly promised her an urgent translation done by me! And I don't speak German at all.

Well, she showed this piece of translation on her iphone! But she couldn't send it to me via email, nor via skype! She asked me, if the agency and workers have iphones and vibers. It was a big No. The only way was FB. I hesitated and accepted her friend request cause of urgency and finally the files were in pocket! But I've found a translator with great difficulty. I just couldn't believe it had finished the moment  I could easily breathe.

The second story is disgusting. There was a man on my FB who started to follow, hunt and basically harassed me. I've get rid of him, but I'm still afraid. It's so stupid feeling cause it's online, but that's it.

----------


## Jaquaia

Block him and report it to fb

----------


## selena

I've already deleted him, but he sent me a message from different account!

----------


## Suzi

Should you be adding people for work to your FB? 

Sounds like you've done the right thing about that man and I'm sorry things have been so horrible.

----------


## Paula

:(bear):  hunni. I know you've blocked him but have you reported it, as Angie says?

----------


## selena

No, but this woman asked so desperately that I made an exception.

No, but I promised to report him, if he bothers me again.

----------


## rose

> I've already deleted him, but he sent me a message from different account!


I have a rather persistent 'friend' who creates new profiles just to speak to me. Definitely report if it continues  :(bear):

----------


## selena

My authoritary boss decided to invite all her employees to bar and to mark in this way Inetrnational Translator's Day. It's on Friday. But I don't want to go, after they asked I decided to stay there only one-two hours

Additionally, I have had for a week or a little more acute pains in the lower part of leg so that I can barely step on both feet. It's so strange, cause despite having flat feet since childhood, I was able to run even on high heels!

My mom is warned and exaggerated about perspective of serious health disorder.

----------


## Suzi

That sounds nice to be included at the bar!
Sweetheart, your Mum is always going to tell you that you have serious health disorders.. You need to learn to not pay so much attention to her.

----------


## selena

Yes, but I actually experience this pain.

----------


## Jaquaia

So go and see your gp. There are loads of simple reasons why you experience pain.

----------


## Suzi

Pain is your bodies way of telling you that you are doing too much. Have you changed your footwear? Done more or less walking?

----------


## selena

No.

But I've forgotten to tell you maybe the most important news - I've been allowed to take a 2-week holiday in the beginning of November!

----------


## Paula

About flippin time!

----------


## Suzi

Hooray for the holiday time!

----------


## selena

Exactly, but still a month to go.

Tomorrow it's such a nightmare for me again, staying with my boss in bar for one-two hours...

----------


## Suzi

Why is that so hard?

----------


## selena

Because I feel depressive and I can't stand now parties, especially big ones.

----------


## Suzi

You can always leave earlier if you need to.. But the same with the last office party you might enjoy it when you get there.

----------


## selena

Well, I can't say I passed a bad evening, although  I with some colleagues quitted earlier cause it's hard staying near boss. It's difficult to relax. From a positive side there weren't many people.

Actually I nearly burst into tears and being into edge side, cause my mother's words about developping illness, the lack of periods, putting some kilos and that it's devastating. I really wanted to hide and literally vanish from this world.

However I decided to fight as far as it's possible and I think with your help not losing the last hope. It's impossible that everything is lost.

----------


## selena

The worst thing ever is to always being reminding about being so ill and never been so "fat" in the past. But getting into panic doesn't do me any favours.

----------


## Jaquaia

You know what I'm going to say, about both your illness and your mother. I think you need to look into therapy to deal with having PCOS and to accept it isn't a very serious illness. I also think you need to get away from the poison your mother says, that woman is toxic.

----------


## selena

I know and I think the best option is to care about myself and then move for a while. I love her, but that's got hard.

----------


## Suzi

Selena, I'm a lot fatter than you, I don't have pcos, but I was told when I was 16 that I'd never be able to have children. I have 3. You aren't seriously ill lovely, it's perfectly possible for you to have babies - as much as it's totally possible for those without pcos to not be able to have them.

----------


## selena

> Selena, I'm a lot fatter than you, I don't have pcos, but I was told when I was 16 that I'd never be able to have children. I have 3. You aren't seriously ill lovely, it's perfectly possible for you to have babies - as much as it's totally possible for those without pcos to not be able to have them.


Yes, but the thing with periods...

----------


## Suzi

I didn't start my periods till the weekend before my 16th birthday... I've never had a regular cycle..

----------


## selena

That stops me from having a normal relationship with others, my condition and her words stuck in my head growing panic and anxiety!

----------


## Jaquaia

Selena, I haven't had a period in 7 months. It doesn't stop you having a normal relationship with others, neither does PCOS. You are making excuses and you are letting her ruin your life. You need to take action to deal with her words. Try and find techniques to block her words out, be harsh with her when you tell her that her words are cruel as polite obviously isn't working. See a counsellor to deal with your illness and learn to accept it. You are NOT seriously ill, your mother is wrong. She is bullying you, but she needs you more then you need her right now.

----------

Suzi (01-10-16)

----------


## selena

There is also my boss, she usually scolds us down after her parties, it's a kind of strong manipulation.

----------


## S deleted

Oh so now it's your bosses fault you can't have a relationship or kids? Selena, you need to take a deep breath, step back and look at what you are saying. You are a grown woman and you need to take control of your own life, make your own decisions and stop allowing people to manipulate and bully you.

----------

Suzi (01-10-16)

----------


## Suzi

[QUOTE=selena;281128]That stops me from having a normal relationship with others, my condition and her words stuck in my head growing panic and anxiety! [/quote]
No. Having PCOS does NOT stop you from having a normal relationship with friends/having lovers or anything else. PCOS doesn't affect your mobility, it doesn't stop you from being in so much physical pain that it's agony to get out of bed, let alone anything else. PCOS doesn't mean that you are deformed through your illness, it doesn't mean you are disfigured.  I'm not wanting to belittle it, but lovely even the NHS website describes it as:
The three main features of PCOS are as follows


> *irregular periods*  which means your ovaries don't regularly release eggs (ovulation)*excess androgen*  high levels of "male hormones" in your body, which may cause physical signs such as excess facial or body hair (see signs and symptoms below)*polycystic ovaries*  your ovaries become enlarged and contain many fluid-filled sacs (follicles) which surround the eggs (it's important to note that, despite the name, if you have PCOS you don't actually have cysts)If you have at least two of these features you may be diagnosed with PCOS


 
Taken from http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/polycystic-ovarian-syndrome/Pages/Introduction.aspx




> There is also my boss, she usually scolds us down after her parties, it's a kind of strong manipulation.


In what way?

----------


## selena

She criticizes us without no ground, makes work extra hours or holidays (Saturday). But this Saturday I'm free again.

----------


## Paula

Selena, I care about you but, honestly, I'm hurt at you describing (or repeating your mothers words) pcos as a serious illness.  I have several truly serious illnesses which have a massive impact on my life, and are, individually and together, life changing/life limiting.  I have also massive issues with hormones, ovarian damage, endometrial problems. Yet, despite all this, I live my life, I've had 2 children, I care about my life.  There is no reason to give up on leading a good life, especially not something like pcos which can be managed

----------

selena (01-10-16),Suzi (02-10-16)

----------


## selena

The thing is that there are cases of serious diseases in my family, and I guess this thing frightens her. Then probably the stereotypes of society I'm living in, even being a little different makes the things more difficult.

Thank you, the support I get here in the darkest moments makes me move forward!

----------


## Angie

Selena there may be cases of serious illness but that does not mean that you will get a serious illness,
My family has a horrible history of some seriously horrendous illnesses but I do not and wont let that rule my life, I also wont let my family or anyone else do that to me either.

----------

selena (01-10-16)

----------


## Jaquaia

My grandma died of bowel cancer, she also had cervical cancer. So did 2 of my aunts. My grandad died of lung cancer, so did another aunt. I have a form of anaemia which I seem to have inherited from my parents, which if left untreated can cause quite serious neurological problems. Should I not live my life because I *might* develop one of those diseases? Should I not live my life because I *might* develop some of those neurological symptoms? 

So what if there has been serious illness in your family, it doesn't mean that you're doomed to develop them. You won't find anyone anywhere who hasn't been touched by serious illness in some way. 

A good friend of mine died at just 27 of metastatic melanoma. A lovely girl I went right through school with died last year from a stroke. She was only 32. A girl I supported when I worked as a teaching assistant died the year before from cystic fibrosis. She was in her early 20s. They all lived their lives in spite of their illnesses. Stop living in what ifs and focus on getting what you want from life, otherwise you're going to end up old and alone and regretting not taking your chances. Only you can change your life

----------

Paula (01-10-16),S deleted (01-10-16),selena (01-10-16),Suzi (02-10-16)

----------


## selena

You're right, but the pressure around drives me crazy.

----------


## Jaquaia

We all live with pressure Selena, you need to find a way to manage it that works for you. First steps are getting that depression diagnosis and looking into counselling

----------


## selena

I'm waiting to get referred, but I'm afraid the things won't work out.

By pressure I mean atmosphere at home and my busy schedule at work. This week I enjoy two holidays, but I'm very busy and each day cope with stress at work place.

----------


## Jaquaia

We seem to be going around in circles. We have been through this before; both the situations at work and at home. We have made countless suggestions to you to deal with both. What have you actually tried? As we can't help you until you start to help yourself.

----------

Suzi (02-10-16)

----------


## selena

The situation at home improved for a while. As far as it concerns my work, the only thing I'll get it's a little holiday in November. The only real thing I can do is to get a private appointment with a psychologist and so quick up the things...

----------


## Jaquaia

You could sit your mum down and firmly tell her you find her comments extremely hurtful and from that point on she isn't to bring your illness up and if she does you will leave the room. And actually follow through with that. It will eventually stop as she'll get bored of talking to herself.

----------

Angie (01-10-16)

----------


## Suzi

Jaq and Paula are right lovely, you need to tell those around you. You need to get that appointment to get a proper diagnosis. You have to do this to help yourself and to find a way to get through this and to get some proper help.

----------


## selena

I'm afraid there won't be any changes unless I move to other places...

----------


## Suzi

There will if you stand up to these people...

----------


## selena

Today is my mother's birthday. No hurting words, no pessimism...And she said that she is  proud to have such a daughter like me. It was fine indeed.

----------

rose (04-10-16)

----------


## Paula

That's good to hear  :):

----------


## Angie

Thats great to hear and how it should be all the time hunni

----------


## Suzi

Absolutely agree it's lovely, but how it should be all the time...

----------


## selena

I hurried to be glad. Today she reminded again about my horrible condition that could get worse.

These reminders make me feel horrible, feeling that I have lived my life in vain...I told her that everything will be fine, but my inner feeling is desperate.

But I'll be living with hope and fighting for better anyway trying not to think about the worst.

----------


## Jaquaia

You need to start standing up to her, she won't stop unless you do. PCOS isn't pleasant but neither is it the end of he world. Research it, learn about it, as you are making it into something much more then it is.

----------


## selena

One additional moment...
We used to go with my mother to church on Sundays. However I feel need to go sometimes separately, I mean to a different church. She becomes very anxious and concerned if I did everything right, but I'm so confused, I really need my space to freely breathe and concentrate on different things, prayer including.

----------


## OldMike

Selena you really need to go to a different church your mother seems to be continually putting you down so you need your own space.

----------


## Suzi

Selena, what do you think we could say? We keep on trying to support you, but honestly it's the same thing round on loop at the moment lovely. 

You need to find a way to stand up to her and to your boss.
You have been diagnosed with PCOS - that's not a life sentence lovely. Read up on it. It's not a "serious medical condition" at all.

----------

Paula (05-10-16)

----------


## selena

Today the first half of the day was rather sad and dull.

But later I've translated a notarial act from Ireland. The text was clear to me. It was "Statutory Declaration by Irish Citizen seeking "Certificat de cotume" for Marriage or Civil Partnership Abroad".

I've got confused by this construction:" _It is not necessary or essential_ that banns of the said intended marriage be published in Ireland". The underlined construction meaning I've deciphered as "there are no impedments or restrictions".

----------


## Suzi

Here the banns of marriage have to be published x amount of times before you can actually get married... That's what it means.

----------

selena (11-10-16)

----------


## selena

> Here the banns of marriage have to be published x amount of times before you can actually get married... That's what it means.


Thank you, interesting traditions.

So "banns of marriage" meaning is actually like "announcement"? But where is it published?

----------


## Paula

In church, at the registry office

----------

selena (11-10-16)

----------


## selena

I've forgotten to tell that I'm translating two books and have more than 200 pages to translate.

But some managers try to put even more work and pressure on me, I like my job, but enough is enough. So I don't know how, but I've stood up to them.

----------


## Angie

Good.

----------


## Suzi

Well done!

----------


## selena

So, my 2-week holiday begins from Tuesday and lasts till November 8. The guy who will replace me seems nice and I'm confident that he won't cause any mess.

But I'm pretty busy too: 2 big translation projects to finish, exam preparations and some medical appointments.

I will be glad to have more samples of Court Judgements on civil and criminal cases...

----------


## Flo

Thank goodness you're having a holiday!!..about time. Make sure you make time for YOU, and treat yourself to some nice times. And rest too. Have a lovely 2 weeks..you deserve it. :(bear):

----------

selena (22-10-16)

----------


## Suzi

Erm.. It's a holiday! No time for work! Go out and do something lovely! Maybe go away for a couple of days or a weekend?

----------


## selena

> Erm.. It's a holiday! No time for work! Go out and do something lovely! Maybe go away for a couple of days or a weekend?


I think it won't be possible due to some family reasons.

----------


## Suzi

Not even a night away? Doesn't have to be far...

----------


## selena

I'll see, but I doubt.

----------


## Paula

Please try to get some 'you' time

----------


## Flo

It's SO important that you do Selena. Even a night away for a change of scenery!

----------


## magie06

Selena, I've just come home from a weekend away in Dublin. It was lovely for a change and even though I've had to take more pain killers than usual it was still worth the holiday.

----------


## purplefan

Why not do something spontaneous and get on the first bus you see find out where it takes you. Could be exciting.

----------


## Suzi

I did that once in London and then just wandered around. I found some amazing places and met some lovely people along the way!

----------


## selena

Thank you all for your suggestions. It is indeed a nice idea. If I don't spend much time on medical exam and treatment, maybe.

----------


## Suzi

There's no point having a holiday if you don't stop working lovely!

----------


## selena

Actually today my boss came to my office with her husband and another manager. She tried to do everything to minimize my work. But at the end she probably remembered that she needs me as a translator. So she tried to make me take 4 exams instead of 3, but I refused.

Another thing...they brought a radiator, but there is no heating system and meteorologists promise harsh frosts this winter, so I'm not happy at all about it...

----------


## Suzi

Could you do the 4th exam? 
Could you talk to them about the heating?

----------


## selena

No, I've been working and working, 3 is enough.

I talked, but they just brought the radiator saying like " let's hope it will be mild winter".

----------


## selena

Finally being on holiday, still have to translate some pages in order to get more or less decent October salary!

Another PDF translation file (127 pages), and preparing for exam, but actually I don't want to translate the next week.

Just imagine, this evening a manager tried to give me some files for translation, but I rejected her offer and didn't answer the call! It's my holiday and she hasn't insisted either.

----------


## Suzi

Good for you, but sweetheart that's still a lot to do which you shouldn't do. You need a break too or you will burn out completely.

----------


## selena

I just want to say I cannot imagine how I cope with all pressure, when I return to work next week.

One more guy has quitted company, he was a good colleague and translator. She also treated him not in the best way, I felt so sorry he left...


It's like waiting for a monster that will eat me up

----------


## Paula

Surely there are better jobs out there for you?

----------


## selena

I've been searching. Unfortunately no.

----------


## Suzi

Do you know why that guy left? Do you know what job he has now?

----------


## selena

> Do you know why that guy left? Do you know what job he has now?


No, but I guess the reason. He treated him rather badly, often complained that he hadn't done enough. Well, he is in civil partnership. He wanted to go on holiday with his girlfriend in August, but she said he has no right to go on holiday till December 15 (the date he started working for the company)...He wanted to get recommendation letters for exam, but he gave up. And he wasn't in fact a bad translator...

----------


## Paula

So, if he got another job, the jobs must be out there somewhere

----------


## Suzi

I agree with Paula. There has to be other jobs out there if he could get one..

----------


## selena

I don't know his situation exactly well, but I cannot be admitted to exam without her letters of recommendation. He gave up, and I really hope he is doing well.

----------


## Paula

Gave up? Or found something much better?

----------


## selena

> Gave up? Or found something much better?


Unfortunately no, at least from what I get to know.

----------


## Suzi

Do you have an exact date for the exam?

----------


## selena

Not yet. But I'm sure it's by the end of November or beginning of December.

----------


## Paula

Selena, you've been talking about these exams being 'imminent' most of this year.  Surely any examining board has to say when they actually are holding the exams, and you should therefore know exact dates. The approximate dates you give us come and go without happening. Exactly what are these exams and why the mystery over when you're to take them?

----------


## selena

> Selena, you've been talking about these exams being 'imminent' most of this year.  Surely any examining board has to say when they actually are holding the exams, and you should therefore know exact dates. The approximate dates you give us come and go without happening. Exactly what are these exams and why the mystery over when you're to take them?


That was the mistake of Ministry. Every time someone asked information about them, the secretary replied that they are imminent. They didn't organize the session earlier because of other reforms. Now that's already more or less precise date.

They are important because once a translator passes them successfully, he will be allowed to perform Court/judicial translations, and the wages are better.

----------


## Suzi

I think it's madness to say that they are going to have exams but not give a date!

----------


## selena

Unfortunately that was the situation. I think I have a clue whis these things happened - with general chaos around...

----------


## Suzi

Hope the date is announced soon.

----------


## selena

I enjoyed a walk in the park today. The house I live in is nearby the park and I go for a walk not very often.

But I have really felt happier and more relaxed today.

----------

Paula (07-11-16),rose (07-11-16)

----------


## Angie

I'm glad that you enjoyed your walk. If it is something you enjoy doing it might be nice to do something like that regularly

----------


## selena

Yes, and it has really become a nicer and safer place. I closed myself in the house (except work) for many years and now I've really enjoyed these walks again.

----------


## Suzi

So glad you got out to walk. It really is good for the soul!

----------


## selena

First working day after holidays today, a little anxious. But many clients and barely managed to translate today.

However feeling more relaxed.

----------

rose (09-11-16)

----------


## Paula

That's great to hear  :):

----------


## Suzi

Glad you're feeling more relaxed.

----------


## selena

I asked my boss to take day off tomorrow, as the customers don't come on Saturday anyway. I'm tired and not feeling great.

Yesterday my boss held a reunion for workers. She puts a lot of pressure on us, and on me.

I'm translating a book and she wants me to translate day and night any kind of documents!
That's not normal.

The psychologist told me not fearing my boss and do just the amount of work I can take. And that I should be proud of myself.

But I and my colleague are still very troubled.

----------


## Flo

Your boss asks a lot of you Selena doesn't she?..and your co-workers! You can only do a good days work and that's all. And that is all she must expect. I'm glad you're taking tomorrow off. Try and get some rest.

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selena (02-12-16)

----------


## Suzi

When did you see a psychologist? I must have missed it... But they are right...

----------


## selena

It is my new colleague. She has other duties, but she studied Psychology. But we are not working in the same office.

----------


## Suzi

Ahh. Maybe she could recommend someone to help you?

----------


## selena

I could ask her in general terms.

----------


## selena

I'm worried about my health issues, but I expect to get a medical appointment.

Now for exam - I phoned the Ministry Department, as there isn't any official renewal yet, they told the exams will be held between December 12 - December 20. Well, a little time, and I'm a little worried, although I have been repeating (passively) all this time.

Despite putting a lot of efforts at work and not being paid accordingly, my boss keeps on spying on us, accusing nearly everybdoy of bad management and making pressures on us to work day and night. I have been translating since Autumn a series of articles and a book, and it's not easy work at all! I don't get what she wants. And the last one: she is trying to interfere into the private life of her employees.

That's disgusting!

And drives me to tears. And that's all gratitude?! 

I don't want anything but to leave me in peace.

How to say firmlly "no" to the pressure from her side?

----------


## Suzi

In what way is she interfering in their private lives?

----------


## selena

For e.g, she says that someone should postpone a medical appointment, a meeting with boyfriend or family just to work more.

Or put a spying programme on job computers, that is why I cannot usually write in the day time during busy week days...

----------


## Suzi

I think she needs someone to stand up to her!

----------


## selena

The psychologist told us she cannot do this in our place - the employees should themselves expose the things bothering them!

But I'm not sure this can work.

----------


## Paula

She's right, it's up to the people who work for her to expose anything like this. But I can only imagine how hard that would be for you. How do you know she's spying on you? Remember, if you do expose her, you have to have firm proof

----------


## selena

> She's right, it's up to the people who work for her to expose anything like this. But I can only imagine how hard that would be for you. How do you know she's spying on you? Remember, if you do expose her, you have to have firm proof


She has recognized it herself, affirming that she has every right.

----------


## Paula

Does she though? Perhaps you should check the laws ....

----------


## selena

Well, maybe she has the right to install it on her office pc, but she shouldn't mock people.

Today another new worker left...With pressure and without heating in a semi-attached "aquarium" building.

The new candidates do not know about the frost in that office during cold time...

----------


## Suzi

If other people are leaving - are they leaving to go to other jobs?

----------


## selena

Some of them are very young and hoping for better chances, the others (mainly men) just cannot cope with the pressure around. A very few left having found already a good job.

It's all about her pressure.

----------


## Suzi

Are you looking for another job?

----------


## selena

Now I've focused on my exams and then, if the situation gets unbearable, I hope maybe I will have better opportunities.

----------


## Suzi

Fair enough. It's just you seem so unhappy there...

----------


## selena

I want so much to have more spare time. When I return home, I barely manage to do something about the house (thanks to my mom for help), I can't remember when it was the last time I saw a movie, went to the theatre etc.

Boss insists that we work on Saturdays, despite the lack of any customers in that day (although half day). She keeps renting some expensive offices with a very few customers.

I appreciate her business skills, but I can't get over some other things.

Well, that's it, with not so many variants. 

She wants us to come on holiday lunch on December 24. Most of them don't celebrate Christmas on 25, but she asked me to stay around an hour.

----------


## Suzi

What's happening about your exams?

----------


## selena

Ah, I relaxed a little, the results will be known in the upcoming weeks before New Year.

I just took a piece of chocolate before exams and nothing more, got on a frosty morning on the bus and in a few minutes I was there.

The first was English, there were more people (around 22) sitting around the same table. My 2 colleagues took English in the same day, but all of us were sitting in different parts of the room.

Strangely, but I managed to translate faster and better into English. Thank God, I managed to write everything, it is not easy to focus on texts in a crowded room, when you have in fact very little time. The first text was about legal provisions in case of claims for better conditions of detention, the second one (into En) was about demand for deprivation of paternal rights. And I was rather familiar with the second subject.

My colleagues left and I waited a little before taking French. In fact there are fewer people and the exam papers were not only for French, but for other languages too. There are only 3 people taking French and me among them. Here I guess I managed to better translate into my native language. But the texts provided for French all belonged to Criminal law and were rather hard to translate, I guess mainly from psychological point of view, there were some bloody details. However, I managed to translate everything too despite being overtired. 

Well, not exams itself, but my boss makes me anxious.

----------


## Suzi

Well done lovely! Once you've got those results you can apply for different jobs didn't you say?

----------

selena (16-12-16)

----------


## selena

> Well done lovely! Once you've got those results you can apply for different jobs didn't you say?


I'll see, at least I hope so.

----------


## Suzi

I don't know why you wouldn't!

----------


## selena

Our psychologist had some special ideas about party organization. Thus, she designed me as the protective angel of the agency and my boss (and the boss's nickname is Devil!). My God, I should acquire for her a symbolic little present.

Do you have any idea what it can be?

----------


## Suzi

What things does she like? What about a picture? A poem? A bracelet?

----------


## selena

A poem will be performed by others.

She has a taste for good things, but as it concerns a symbolic gift, I'm confused.

----------


## Flo

Well done on doing the exams Selena, I'm sure you'll do well. Who is the person you want to buy the gift for? and what does she symbolise?

----------


## selena

> Well done on doing the exams Selena, I'm sure you'll do well. Who is the person you want to buy the gift for? and what does she symbolise?


It's my boss! And our psychologist asked me to do this, but I'm really lost.

----------


## Flo

Do you know what her hobbies are? Has she pets? Does she like fashion? Is it just you that has to buy her something, or a few of You?

----------


## selena

She really likes only one thing - money.

----------


## Suzi

What about a sign for the office? lol

----------


## Flo

> What about a sign for the office? lol


 :(rofl):  :(rofl): ...daft mare!

----------


## selena

I bought a present at Catholic fair, it is a kind of a Santa for office.

----------


## Suzi

Sounds sensible and not something which could offend!!

----------


## selena

Today my boss phoned me and came in half an hour to my office. Apparently, she needed to take some money for services. 
She was rather nice, even too sweet, but I'm fed up with surprises, cause she can go nuts anytime. I've thought maybe it's our psychologist's piece of advice or maybe she wants to do her best in order that I stay. But like I said above, she can be very unpredictable. 

She told me that our Saturday mini-party will take place earlier because of me, so that nearly everybody is present. But I'm not happy at all, I don't want any games or surprises, I know my job and I just want to be left in peace and not to get under someone's pressure.

----------


## Suzi

I can understand that, but it sounds like she is trying to be a better boss maybe?

----------


## selena

Yes, she asked me to stay.

She is very greedy indeed, but this time I'll come despite feeling very low.

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  You don't have to stay too long though... Hope you are able to enjoy it.

----------

selena (21-12-16)

----------


## Paula

Well done, love

----------


## selena

Work party during day time was fine and ended quickly. In fact, our boss makes us feel uncomfortable mostly during evening time. We exchanged little gifts and go home. 

The bad thing is that I've caught a cold ans also that my boss wants to organize her birthday party on Monday in the evening.

----------


## magie06

Stay warm, drink loads and go to bed early. You might feel better in the morning.

----------

selena (24-12-16)

----------


## Suzi

Hope the cold passes soon lovely.

----------


## selena

Today I'm feeling sad that my another colleague resigned. She was really kind and simply fantastic person!

She was our manager in the main office. The reason is the boss. Around ten days ago, her little boy got ill, the child has nobody to stay with as her husband is busy at work too. But my boss refused to give her a few days leave. She also insists that all of us work on Saturday, December 31, half day. I cannot get her, the city is empty this day.

----------


## Suzi

I might have missed it, but how did your exams go? When do you get the results?

----------


## Paula

Will you be resigning when you get your exam results?

----------


## selena

Here is the main surprise. They promised the results by the end of the last week, but now they are to be announced in 2017!

----------


## Suzi

I don't understand your system at all!

----------


## selena

Neither do I.

----------


## Mira

Just been reading a little on your thread. The boss wants to plan her birthdayparty........ From what i get your boss sounds horrible. I would not get anything or show up on that party.

I hope the cold is feeling beter.

----------


## selena

I didn't show up. She might have not liked the idea, but I stood up for myself.

Yes, she is really difficult to get along with.

Thanks, I'm better.

----------


## selena

I don't know if the feelings, or better say states, I'm experiencing now, are normal.

My boss can bother me, customers come and go, much work...but that's professional deal.

I'm busy during work hours, but after work I'm often feeling confused, lost, frustrated...I don't know how to describe it better...just feeling helpless, ready to burst into tears...

Maybe it's related to my last dating attempts failure or general stress, or PCOS or situation at home...

----------


## Jaquaia

So what can you do to change things?

----------


## magie06

Maybe you are working too hard and when you get home you're exhausted and the tears start?  :Panda:

----------


## selena

I can only wait for my wage and see a private specialist.

Thank you, magie, for support. Not exactly so, the work seems more like salvation stopping me thinking of other things, but that's not enough...

----------


## Jaquaia

Have you considered trying meditation to keep you calm or taking up a hobby to keep you occupied?

----------


## selena

I used to have a hobby, but now really have no time for it.

As for meditation, I practiced a little during last year, and I think it's a good idea to return to this practice again.

----------


## Paula

You should always make time to do those things you enjoy. What hobbies do you like?

----------


## selena

Reading, going to threatre (opera, ballet, drama), embroidery.

----------


## Paula

Then get some tickets to the theatre  :):

----------


## Suzi

You should do things you enjoy. Life is too short to be miserable!

----------


## selena

The good news is that I passed successfully my exams. The sad situation is that I don't feel accomplished yet in another field of my life.

----------


## Paula

:(party):  take the good, lovely, cos that's awesome news!

----------

selena (12-01-17)

----------


## rose

Massive congratulations regarding your exam results, Selena  :(bear):

----------

selena (12-01-17)

----------


## magie06

Congratulations on your exam results. You must feel very proud.  :(party):

----------

selena (12-01-17)

----------


## selena

Thanks.

It's really an achievement despite my daily mental struggle.

----------

rose (12-01-17)

----------


## Suzi

That's brilliant about your exams! So are you going to start looking around for another job?

----------

selena (13-01-17)

----------


## selena

Not until I get my stamp and meanwhile I'll look around.

----------


## S deleted

Way to go Selena great news on the exam results.

----------

selena (13-01-17)

----------


## OldMike

Congrats on the exam results Selena you've done brilliantly.  :(party):

----------

selena (13-01-17)

----------


## selena

I just want to ask you for prayers or distance positive support.

Now I'm passing through hard times. My grandma is seriously ill and according to the doctor she won't be alive for long time. In my family, the relations had been always complicated, only in the last years the relation became warmer between 3 generations, it is more related to difficult relationship between my mom and grandma. Earlier this summer grandma developed the first symptoms of dementia, but it's not mainly about this, it's about cardiac insufficiency and the risk of stroke.

I can't see someone suffering, especially close person. 

I think I'm going to lose my mind or my head will explode. The pressure everywhere and my mother's comments about my illness and the online "wizard" men who damaged my heart and mind. Maybe I'm too troubled, sometimes I feel the desperate need of loving and being loved, or maybe it's related to past failed or non-existent father -daughter relationship. 

Rationally I understand everything, I just can't accept some things.

----------


## Paula

Oh hunni, I'm so sorry about your grandma, I will pray for you  :(bear):

----------


## selena

Thank you, the situation is really difficult to bear, my work is like salvation in current situation despite my boss's pressure. Although sometimes it's hard to keep mask and tears inside in the office.

----------


## magie06

I'll keep your grandma in my prayers. I'll light a candle in the church next time I go. Take care. :Panda:

----------


## Angie

Sorry to hear about your Grandma Selena am thinking of you all

----------


## Suzi

Sorry about your Grandma lovely.. I'll keep you all in my thoughts..

----------


## selena

I hope everybody is fine, because health is the most important thing.

Last year I wrote about lumps, but doctor said there are no reasons to think it is cancer. I had a bad cold some weeks ago, fever didn't last, I basically recovered. But I still feel the lumps and have a kind of cough. 
I'm so scared of something more serious like the supreme forces will punish or condemn me. 

My mum triggers even more my state. Just don't know what to think about it.

----------


## Suzi

Go and see the Dr again lovely if you are still scared about it..

----------


## Paula

Go to your dr Selena if you're still worried.  It is however normal for lymph nodes to swell if you've got an infection so maybe seeing your dr now when you've got the lumps may help them to understand whether that's connected or not.  None of us know what the lumps are and the only people that can answer those questions are the doctors.

----------


## selena

A very hard day today. Lumps again...Developing suicidal thoughts, about my fails and the fear of death.

A difficult reunion at work. My boss made us stay till late. And the accountant told us that we don't keep some lists properly. I asked my boss about it and she told me there is no problem. So this woman tries to create mess and involve someone in conflict. I'm doing a lot of work, but there is no proper recognition I guess.
Sometimes I hate myself for being so weak.

I like my job, but I'm fed up with all the fuss around.

----------


## Jaquaia

Selena, if you're developing suicidal thoughts then you NEED to speak to someone. You can't keep putting it off

----------


## selena

Thank you, I'll not leave this anymore, I'll try speaking to someone...better a specialist.

----------


## Suzi

I agree, you really do need to get this sorted lovely.

----------


## selena

I don't know how and sometimes I do feel ashamed and proud at once...for what I did today.

I have much work and many customers as well, I can make some errors, but I've never done google translations.
In our office, there is a new girl who has done google translations in her own native language!
my boss proposed me today to work indoors as editor (for about nothing!). I stood up and told her that I'm now an authorized translator, not editor, I enjoy my job and do my job well, and have no time to spend my energy on those who deliberately make a bad job. And that I also enjoy to communicate with customers.

I just can't believe that I stood up for myself so firmly and in a loud voice...

As soon as I get my authorization, she will need me even more, because there are only two authorized office translators of English.

----------


## magie06

Well done!! I'm so glad that you stood up for yourself today.

----------


## Paula

Woohoo! Selena well done!

----------


## Suzi

OMGoodness! That's awesome! Well done lovely! So proud of you!!!

----------


## OldMike

Well done Selena, I'm so glad you stood up to your boss.

----------


## selena

Thank you all for your support...I just don't know how I will face her pressure again.

----------


## Suzi

Hopefully in the same way!!

----------


## Paula

Hey, you did it once, second times much easier

----------


## rose

I am so pleased for you that you stood up to her, I know that must have been hard  :):

----------


## selena

Just want your opinion. 

If someone on FB (not too close friend) states something unpleasant or hurting your feelings: mocking your religion, values, or spreading racism etc, what would you do? I mean if you didn't expect it from this person.

----------


## Jaquaia

I would unfriend and block them.

----------


## Paula

^^^wss

----------


## selena

That's true.

But if he didn't make any posts or reposts, just liking it?
Although it says clearly what the kind of person he/she is...

----------


## Paula

If you're not comfortable with what that person is posting, you have no obligation to keep having to see those posts

----------

Suzi (18-02-17)

----------


## selena

Has someone overpassed the fear of escalators?
Especially when you step up.

I'm not afraid of altitude, high places or mountains, but escalators...

----------


## rose

What do you fear about them?

----------


## selena

To stumble when I should step on the ground. I also feel my head rushing.

----------


## Suzi

With my children we practised "giant steps" at the top  :O:

----------

selena (22-02-17)

----------


## mitz

I hate escalators!

----------


## rose

Reasonably nearby to where I live there is a big shopping centre with a very long escalator right up the middle to the top floor. Once I was going to go on it, and just couldn't. I hated the idea of being 'trapped'.
My first proper job after university was in North London, at the tube station with the longest escalator on the underground; Angel station. I once had to walk all the way up it and it hurt my muscles so bad!!!
But I don't fear them now.... I just prefer not to walk up them!

----------


## Suzi

I know the one you mean at the shopping centre! It's a monster one! I also know Angel and have also had to mountaineer those steps before too.....  :=(:

----------


## mitz

This has reminded of growing up in London and communiting on the underground every day to go to college/work (yuk!)...All those escalators and staircases. Strangely I didn't mind them so much back then - I'd hate to have to use them again now.  If I visit London now, I prefer to get the bus.  Though many stations have got lifts now I think (?) because of the accessibility and the Equality Act ?

----------


## rose

I can't get on the tube anymore, I don't know how I ever did it before. It's not the escalators I fear, it's being stuck underground.
I think quite a lot of stations have step-free access now but not all of them.

----------


## magie06

We don't have underground here. Just no call for it, but the last time I was in Dublin I used the Luas system, but got very afraid when the drug addicts and wino's came onboard and were looking for and pestering passengers for loose change.

----------


## selena

So tomorrow it will be an official ceremony where the newly authorized translators will be handed their official documents. It will remain just to order my stamp.

By the way, if someone has an idea of nice stamp variant.

Excited and anxious...

I have a little cold and sore throat.

----------


## magie06

It sounds like tomorrow is going to be a big day. Good luck and enjoy your big day.

----------

selena (27-02-17)

----------


## Suzi

> So tomorrow it will be an official ceremony where the newly authorized translators will be handed their official documents. It will remain just to order my stamp.
> 
> By the way, if someone has an idea of nice stamp variant.
> 
> Excited and anxious...
> 
> I have a little cold and sore throat.


How exciting! Are you going to have photos taken?

----------

selena (27-02-17)

----------


## selena

I don't know. My work mate has a good camera, so if there will be such a possibility, he will certainly take some.

----------

Suzi (27-02-17)

----------


## selena

Unpleasant situation related to managers and my boss again.

A call in the evening after work from manager X." Hi, there is a big project and should be accepted without objections.Cause the boss said only you and nobody else." Me: "Sorry, but I say no. I have already a plenty of work." She:" Ok, we'll see, there is a small test translation sample and only you in Romanian, Russian and English." I refused to do this in Russian, first of all there are a lot of native speakers there, they are simply a lazy bunch unwilling to work.
Why should everything be put on me? I have no time for myself, I'm over depressed and tired, online communication is my only world. 

i don't know how to stand up for myself anymore.

----------


## Paula

Ok, maybe you tell them you'll take on the big project, on the understanding others take over your other translations.

I thought you were going to look for another job ....

----------


## Suzi

I thought you were going to look for another job too?

----------


## selena

Not succesfully so far.

----------


## Jaquaia

Are you looking?

----------


## selena

I have been looking.

Today I found courage and told my boss directly about this issue.  She quickly said I'm great and it's ok (my requirements).

----------


## magie06

Hi Selena, I hope that things are a little easier for you this week. How are your mum and grandmother?

----------


## selena

My mom is better, there are difficulties, but the recovery passes normally. Grandma is ok too.

Thanks, magie.

----------


## Suzi

> I have been looking.
> 
> Today I found courage and told my boss directly about this issue.  She quickly said I'm great and it's ok (my requirements).


That's brilliant! Well done.

----------


## selena

My late work was rewarded, German international business trainer Werner Zöller personally thanked me for quick and accurate translation. I'm really pleased but I'm deeply saddened by other thing.

My mom passed x-ray exam with contrast and they considered even an urgent surgery, she has weakened a lot, losing weight and not only. Andf there are some cardiac problems too. 

Then they considered surgery planned for September saying that is much more serious intervention this time. We fear that she suddenly feels worse when her doctor will be on holiday (they are practically are). 

It is such a hard dilemma. I suddenly got nausea and headache that I can lose her and this nightmare can start again.

----------


## Paula

Oh sweetheart, I'm not surprised this is hurting. Other than the heart, what do they think is wrong and what surgery do they think they're going to do?

----------


## selena

The main problem is about an unidentified object in her liver. I talked to doc about it, he said in the best case it is a stone, in the worst it's a tumor (benign or malign?)

This surgery is probably due in September. They told it would be more difficult and it's about her general resistance in the process.

----------


## Suzi

I'm sorry lovely. It's so hard when your parent is ill. I hope she's resting and eating and drinking properly?

----------


## selena

She hasn't always espected diet. But the main problem is that she had been too active during the day in my absence.

----------


## Paula

That may have weakened her a bit, hunni, but it won't have caused the object in her liver. So what she has to do for the next month is rest, lots.

----------


## selena

There is one more problem, They considered this drip treatment (around a week) like a good option, but she feels after it worse. We wish to refuse from it as it's something wrong there, she can't feel worse if everything is right.

----------


## Suzi

What was the drip? Was it just to rehydrate her?

----------


## selena

Yes, it seems we have sorted it out. She will just get antibiotics and will postpone the drip treatment due to consequences coming after.

However her doctor told us not to panic and that the second surgery is necessary to be done in autumn.

----------


## Paula

I would have thought that, if they were really worried, they wouldn't wait til the autumn to do the op. I'd take that as positive news

----------


## Suzi

I agree. If it was severe and serious, then there is no way that a surgeon would wait until September.

----------


## selena

We talked with her about our life and future too.

She is very concerned and fears that she can die soon  and that's so difficult to find a suitable man (in my case).

----------


## Suzi

Selena, have you tried telling her that there is more to life than finding a man?

----------


## selena

Yes, but I think she is very shocked after everything. In these moments, people do believe in curse and bad luck.

----------


## Suzi

They do... But thinking like that doesn't help anyone.

----------


## selena

We decided with doc to postpone surgery until autumn.

As for me, I've felt very bad the last days, I thought it was due to gallstone. But it's probably due to my last discovery -high blood pressure, I haven't had any complaints before.

And my boss on my head again, although I do my best for my health first, at least trying.

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart you need to find some time out lovely...

----------


## selena

Unfortunately situation with my mom is not good at all. 

Her surgeon and the other one working in Oncology department are the only to perform this kind of surgery in my country, but she is willing to expect her doc, we know that he is not only a great doctor, but a great person too, as for Oncology institute people have told they ask for bribes for everything.
But the problem is deeper.
If she keeps on feeling like this, I doubt she can survive it, I mean be ready for it.

One more thing:She felt ok until the nurse (there are more of them) put her on a drip on the first day,then she suddenly felt worse and ultimately tests proved raised level of sugar.She thinks the nurse committed a mistake...I really don't know, her situation is fragile, but she certainly did feel worse after this, here there had been cases when nurses put mistaken medecines.
yes, there are complaints and hospital usually covers such incidents, but she felt extremely bad and this nurse unexpectedly got on holiday on Monday (first day on the drip was on Saturday).
I mean we have a very few good specialists in medicine, her condition was already fragile.

Her second doctor works in August, but he's young and he is assistant surgeon.
She is due to have some blood tests on Monday. No tumor near pancreas detected, everything clear there and cancer markers apparently more or less ok too.
Her sugar level before the drip was lower, maybe it was due to her reaction to glucose
But the main surgeon and her doc considered and her doc told me that her situation is very fragile and she shouldn't postpone if occurs something worse.
Now she's waiting for referral for nuclear medicine scan, so that they can clearly see everything. The chief of family health center recommended going to Oncology center but she refused, having decided to wait for her surgeon.

And she signed the paper of refusal.
Surgeon told that this surgery will be more complex and they will extract that tissue and finally determine the cause.

I really hope this shall be just a stone or benign tissue.
She had more appetite and was rather vivacious before this drip, but I think even if the drip caused it, it is linked to her initial condition and in such cases any error can be fatal.
After she felt worse, her doc recommended a course of medicines - mainly Heptral.

They noticed smth on x-ray but couldn't identify its nature
If she was weak before that proposal of surgery, now she has weakened more.
He supposed a kind of "medical" Hepatitis.
Her skin got yellower, she lost more weight, occasional rather often waves of nausea, and now high fever nearly daily even she didn't sort out.
She has been given course of antibiotics, but it helped just a little.
I'm really afraid of cancer. But we should resist before it and how she can stand up in this way?
They told cancer final diagnosis or clearance from it can be known only through nuclear tomography and via this surgery.
She often takes Nimesil for fever decrease, today it has slowed down so difficult.

I think I can go crazy, already high blood pressure, I have prayed, but well you know I believe less and less in these things with church.

She has a bad headache too. I really don't know how we can wait and what can be done

Maybe I should talk to my dad, although he is such a weak man and barely helped me with anything...

Sorry for such a messy text and any mistakes.

----------


## Suzi

Does she have a definite diagnosis yet?

----------


## selena

No, they said surgery is indispensable  for this purpose along with nuclear medicine scan.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry, I think I've missed it. What surgery is it that they want to do? Why? What's her diagnosis?

----------


## selena

They detected on x-ray a kind of "enlarged tissue", and she also has this drainage system till now, they want to detect the origin of this tissue and sort out everything.

----------


## Suzi

What is enlarged?

----------


## selena

They considered this tissue or "stone" scan changed in comparison with previous scan made before the last surgery.

The whole situation really bothers me, first of all lack of precise explanations, only that surgery is needed to be done according to the last scans.

----------


## Suzi

Do you mean like a kidney stone or a gallstone? OR something different?

----------


## selena

Yes, they mean it, but her previous scan states clearly "tissue of unknown origin". I'm messed up, because there is a difference between a stone and tumor.

----------


## Suzi

There is a big difference. If it's a stone then it's easier to treat

----------


## Amaya

It all sounds very confusing to me. Yellow skin sometimes means jaundice which can be an issue with a liver. But I am not a doctor so don't worry about it, but maybe ask them about that. Forgive me if you have explained this somewhere and I have not seen it.. but what country are you in? I am in Holland  :): 

I hope they will find the right solution for your mum soon so that she will be okay  :):

----------

selena (09-08-17)

----------


## selena

It's ok. She had a serious liver surgery some months ago, apparently cancer markers blood tests proved to be negative. But doctors are still concerned having some doubts. 

But there is good news too. The alternative medecine seems to have worked, so I really hope we'll survive until her surgeon returns from holiday in the upcoming weeks.

It's Southeast Europe, more related to Romania region.

----------


## Suzi

Glad the markers have come back negative. 
Hope that you are getting some rest time too lovely lady.

----------


## Amaya

> It's ok. She had a serious liver surgery some months ago, apparently cancer markers blood tests proved to be negative. But doctors are still concerned having some doubts. 
> 
> But there is good news too. The alternative medecine seems to have worked, so I really hope we'll survive until her surgeon returns from holiday in the upcoming weeks.
> 
> It's Southeast Europe, more related to Romania region.


That is really good news. I wish you both strength while you wait  :):  I am in Holland. We have a few international members on here which I really enjoy  :):

----------

selena (13-08-17)

----------


## selena

She feels better but we do have to survive a few days more.

----------


## Suzi

That's great that she's feeling even a little better x

----------

selena (13-08-17)

----------


## Paula

It's really good news, hunni

----------

selena (13-08-17)

----------


## OldMike

That's great news Selena.

----------

selena (13-08-17)

----------


## Amaya

When does the doctor come back?

----------


## selena

They said in 7-10 days. I really do hope that not later.

----------


## Suzi

Is she still at home with you?

----------


## selena

Yes, her childhood friend who has nurse skills has come for 2 days and put her antibiotic injections, she will come tomorrow too.

----------


## Suzi

That's better and easier to manage for you isn't it?

----------


## selena

Yes, although today my Mum got injection at local health center.

----------


## Suzi

Still easier than her being in hospital for you I'm sure. Are you still busy at work?

----------


## selena

Yes, it's actually nightmare when some newcomers and old staff went abroad, resigned or got fired. And holiday period.

I usually do work from 9 am to 5 pm without hardly any break (some tea + mini lunch). Today have worked till 6 pm. My head is already hurting, I cannot wait for holiday that will come for me in a fortnight!

Pressure is the worst of everything.

However I would rather prefer to work tomorrow full time, but I'm programmed tomorrow for wisdom tooth extraction and I'm a little anxious, although the surgeon seems to be good.

----------


## Paula

Will be thinking of you tomorrow

----------


## selena

Thank you, Paula, I hope it will pass quickly and safely.

----------


## Suzi

Hope that it goes well lovely x

----------


## selena

Surgery was difficult but went well, although I do think I won't forget the sound of dental chisel and gouge soon.

Hope for speedy recovery, especially because my mom will be probably admitted to hospital tomorrow.

----------


## Suzi

Glad it went well lovely.. Hope things go well with your Mum.

----------


## Paula

Hoping all goes to plan today, lovely

----------


## Suzi

How are things lovely?

----------


## selena

Not great at the moment.

Such a hard day, I can barely eat something after surgery, but recovery goes well.

However that is a very hard evening, tomorrow she will be admitted to hospital, fever again and those tests...Such bad nightmares did have we both and before too. We don't want to believe in the worst and her surgeon returned, and I should continue to work....discussion with my boss will follow too. But I really hope everything will be sorted out.

----------


## Suzi

Oh sweetheart, it's best she has those tests and any treatment she can do..  :Panda:  :(bear):

----------


## Amaya

Is your mum in the hospital now then?

----------


## selena

She went to the hospital today after lunch. I suggested her to go tomorrow morning. Well, she went there, but returned again with fever, this walking on the street did only harm her.
She will be admitted tomorrow morning as was decided but probably she will remain there till surgery day.
Nothing good yet, but maybe her surgeon will elaborate a plan for quick treatment as she has weakened a lot.

----------


## Amaya

I hope so. Waiting is not nice when you are feeling so bad. But I hope the fever will go and that she is strong enough for the surgery to go well.

----------


## selena

Fever slowly went down, but her condition is very fragile. We hope the treatment will went well.

----------


## Amaya

Me too.. let us know how it goes  :):

----------


## Suzi

Hope that she makes a speedy recovery lovely x

----------


## Paula

Sweetie, what is this next surgery for?

----------


## Suzi

Thinking of you today!

----------


## selena

They should take out the drainage system and also to take out this tissue and then send it to biopsy.

She is on the drip at hospital and feeling a little better.

----------


## Suzi

Glad she's feeling brighter x

----------


## Amaya

That does sound positive, I hope the biopsy results are okay  :):

----------


## Paula

Good to hear  :): . How's your mouth?

----------


## selena

It is more or less ok, thanks, but I do have a bad bruise below and it still hurts.

----------


## Suzi

It will...  :(bear):  How's your Mum?

----------


## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

----------


## selena

Thank you for support.

Not so good.
They put her on catheter. Yes, her condition improved, she returned home and had no fever. Tomorrow she will go to hospital again and on the next week too. There is a certain progress due to medications.
They want to prepare her for surgery (most probably the upcoming week). But tests showed that liver related indicators are worse.
So, they want to reestablish first her condition and surgery will be decided only after.

Finding blood donors will be hard here.

Her hospital room neigbour is Christian baptist and she feels happy to have such a neigbour by her side.

----------


## Suzi

So she's not staying in?

----------


## selena

Each morning she goes for drip to hospital, spending there half a day and later returns home. 

In case of need, she stays over night as it's too hot there.

----------


## Suzi

Ahh, OK.. Do you have help and support?

----------


## selena

Yes, there is a ittle help from her friend, but she herself copes with some health problems.

----------


## Suzi

As long as you have some help...

----------


## Amaya

I hope her liver will find the strength to cope with all the treatments so that she can have the surgery she needs.
Why will it be hard to find the blood donors? Does she have a rare blood type or is there just not enough blood?

Do you manage to get good rest anytime?  :(bear):

----------


## selena

No, she doesn't have a rare blood type. This is the kind of local policy - they provide blood, and you should find replacement in person of blood donors regardless of their blood group.

Yes, a little.

----------


## Paula

It's a very different system to ours, Am. Selena, I pray you have no trouble finding what your mum needs  :Panda:

----------

selena (20-08-17)

----------


## Amaya

I am glad you rested a bit. It sounds like this will not happen quickly so please try to prioritise resting so that you have enough energy for yourself and your mum. Sleep is so important in times like this.

It sounds like a very difficult system. I will be hoping it works out smoothly for you both.

----------


## selena

Yes, but they wanted surgery not to be postponed, the thing is that they cannot decide it without reestablishing her general condition within normal limits first.

----------


## Amaya

How is her condition today?

And how are you holding up?  :):

----------


## selena

It's more or less stable. But we'll soon have surgery, probably on Thursday.

----------


## Paula

That's good, at least she's not having to wait much longer  :(bear):

----------


## Suzi

Glad it's not too long to wait lovely.

----------


## selena

The situation is so bad, I'm still under deep shock and suddenly developed acute tonsillitis.

My mum had a very serious surgery and still in critical condition, with partial removal of some vital organs. It's probably cancer tumor. 
It was such a positive progress.

I'm feeling like I can lose my mind. Altough another doc told me her situation is stable for her condition and they sent material for biopsy. 
I had such a bad feeling before. I regret so much I maybe wasn't a good daughter enough. I tried to study material on the internet, but it really did scare me.

----------


## Suzi

Hold on, I thought she was going in to have a small operation. Why such major surgery? What's she had removed? 

Of course you've been a good daughter! That has nothing to do with whether your Mum gets ill or not anyway! Stop googling. Wait and talk to the Drs.

----------


## selena

That is the strangest thing ever. There were concerns about a small piece of tissue on x-ray. In July she was told that maybe she will not need any surgery.\
She suddenly felt bad after drip. And considered it was a mistaken medicine that led to these consequences.

I really don't know what to believe...The surgeon who did it is brilliant specialist and kind person. He did first surgery too. I felt something is wrong when he appeared pale and concerned. He said that this surgery is unique and extremely rare in my country (only he and other specialist had the right to do it).

My throat hurts and I really don't know where to find resources for continuous struggle.

----------


## Paula

Oh sweetheart, I'm sorry  :Panda: . I'm so relieved they decided to do the surgery after all. Hunni, she's in the right place and is getting the care she needs. Try to keep calm - she needs you to be strong for her.

----------


## selena

And there is my grandma too.

The doc gave me treatment with antibiotics, my sore hurts like some knives have been put into it and seem unable to swallow.

I regret so that we haven't had done enough walks in the park for example, I expected everything but not this.

----------


## Suzi

You can't go for walks in the park when you are feeling unwell. 
How are your Mum and your Grandma today? I hope they are both doing well and that your Mum is making a very speedy recovery.

----------


## selena

I'm on antibiotics and I should eat, but I cannot eat anything, just lemon, water and tea. But I should...

My mum is still in severe condition, but stable. The two donors will try to give blood for her these days. 

I met her surgeon, he said " Sweetie, just pray and maybe she will get out from this". He is a brilliant surgeon and a kind person. 
He said from his experience it's 90 % pancreas cancer, maybe tumor won't appear again, it's important her recovery now.

It was my inner feeling this time is something horrible. And all of us know that pancreas cancer even survivors don't last for long time.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

----------


## selena

My sore hurts and feel like losing my breath, I learned out that only 8 % of patients survive the 5-year barrier on this stage.

----------


## selena

That makes me feel out of my mind.

----------


## Paula

Where did you learn that statistic, hunni?

----------


## selena

On several medical sites.

Although it seems good it was detected at earlier phase...
Now myself I develop cancer fear including for me and fear of losing her...that drives me crazy.

----------


## Suzi

Selena stop and breathe. Sweetheart day by day.

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------


## selena

The good news is that I've finally seen my mom today. It was very emotional meeting. Still waiting for biopsy, but it's probably cancer. 
This is the bad news already and that I'm feeling useless due to my mental problems, due that I cannot cope with anything like the others would do, because I've got frustrated and suicidal and losing any direction and hope, because I hope pains everywhere.
And the last one...my f ...boss has written something that she can leave me only for a week. Why should they attack me like wild animals? If their mother were cancer affected, would they work? And besides it's my legal leave, why should others come and go when they want?
In fact, if she fires me, she can go to hell as some translators already left her company and I'm human, not robot myself, I'm authorized translator and work in her company not for enough money in fact. I could have done google translations but I never did like others.
We're not slaves, I'm already not only feeling bad, but literally suffocating.

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni.... 
With regard to your Mum - sweetheart if it is cancer, then I'm sure that the Drs will do all they can. But you are not useless. How do you think you should be coping? 
If you are feeling suicidal then please get proper help asap. 

Wrt your boss - hunni, talk to her. How much time do you want her to give you off?

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## selena

Two weeks, it was my legal leave actually.

----------


## Suzi

Then talk to her and remind her it's your legal leave if you have to. Just ask her nicely to start with..

----------


## selena

Thanks for suggestion, after all, I'm not guilty that people left her after a while since they had started working.

----------


## Suzi

Exactly.. Just talk to her. You've been able to reason with her previously about other things.

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## Paula

:Panda: . Hunni, your MH problems do not make you useless. You've been looking after your mum and grandmother successfully over the past few very difficult months - there's no reason why you can't continue to do so. Just be yourself, show your mum you love her. That'll be all she needs from you

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OldMike (30-08-17)

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## selena

Thank you for nice words.

I've been to hospital again, maybe she will be released in a couple of days.

Her room mates are fine, and very friendly. There are no results of biopsy yet, but we discussed even joked that whatever the diagnosis will be, we'll see what to do and try to fight.

----------


## Suzi

Wow, released so soon? She must be doing really well lovely..

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## selena

Yes, doctor said for her condition and serious surgery is not bad at all. 

But the cancer question still remains unsorted...

----------


## Suzi

When will you know? 

You're doing amazingly well you know coping with this..

----------


## selena

By Friday probably.

Lumps are already suffocating me.

----------


## Paula

I'd lay money they're not and that it's the anxiety making you feel like that, sweetheart. And it's completely understandable under the circumstances. Have you spoke to your doctor about what's going on and the impact it's having on you?  :Panda:

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## selena

I'll talk, but by next weej, only to survive this and my boss's pressure...

----------


## Flo

Hi selena. Sorry you're feeling poorly. I have to agree with Paula, I think it's anxiety that's causing the feeling of suffocation. Everything tenses up and you get a constricted feeling that makes it difficult to breathe - well I do anyway! - your mum seems to be looked after very well and she's very lucky to have such a loving and caring daughter as you. Try to get as much rest and relaxation as you can, and look after yourself. :Panda:

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selena (31-08-17)

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## OldMike

I'm sorry you are feeling unwell, I think the stress and anxiety caused by your mother being in hospital could be a contributing factor.

You are a good daughter and you are dealing with this stressful time in the best possible way you can.  :(bear):

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selena (31-08-17)

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## Suzi

Selena, when did you take 30 mins out and just sit and concentrate on you or go for a walk? Just do something "normal" and with no pressure on you at all?

----------


## selena

Suzi, I'll try, but that's hard. I was at hospital today, she was anxious first and due to the last circumstances deals with mood swings.

Thanks everybody for support.

----------


## Suzi

You always have our support lovely. Do try to get some time for you love, it's so important. 

Hope your Mum is getting better quickly lovely.

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## selena

Me too, but there are moments I'm feeling useless and even suicidal.

I cannot win any illness.

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## Suzi

If you are feeling suicidal then please get to your Dr asap or call a helpline? It's serious and you need help.

----------


## selena

I've thought about the whole situation up to the early morning, I've calmed down, but of course it is a serious issue.

----------


## Suzi

Then please go and see someone....

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## selena

We saw each other again, she will probably be released on Monday. She is very anxious due to her condition (unknown yet).

----------


## Suzi

Then all you can do is keep her calm until you actually know what it is that you are dealing with...

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## Paula

It's horrible, waiting, isn't it? You're in my prayers, lovely

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selena (02-09-17)

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## selena

Paula and everybody, I'm so grateful for your support and help, because I'm already on the edge.

We don't know the results yet. She is very anxious too, getting to cry etc. It hurts me to see her like that and that sometimes she misinterprets anything. She tends to believe that she was (accidentally or not?) poisoned by nurse, but who was it possible that the tumor grows in such a short time?!
She also refuses to get any psychological assistance, and is obstinate to take care of old grandma. Grandma has serious dementia problems and she doesn't properly recognize us, and mum at all. How can she care about her, if she is not able to take properly care after herself following such a serious surgery? But she refuses that grandma should be taken to hospital like the doctor suggested. And I should work after all.
I also don't know whether I should announce my dad or not...he isn't much to help, but still...

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## Paula

So who's looking after your grandma? Is it worth suggesting to your mum that grandma goes into temporary respite care while your mum is recovering? And then make a decision when she's feeling better?

----------


## selena

I think we'll decide by next week.

----------


## Suzi

Oh sweetheart. You can't do it all. You can't look after your Grandma and your Mum whilst she recuperates and work and if you don't work you don't get paid.... You are going to have to ask the drs to help you to get some help in, even temporarily. 
Why does your Mum think she was poisoned?

----------


## selena

Because she felt well before the drips and the scans didn't reveal anything. 

However, I doubt that even a mistaken solution can develop into a tumor for such a short time.

----------


## Jaquaia

Have you seen your doctor recently?

----------


## selena

No, our GP doesn't deal with it and my doctor is on holiday.

----------


## Jaquaia

Then until you can see your doctor,  you need to try and look after yourself as best you can. You have to look after yourself first or you will be no good to your mum or grandma lovely.

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart nobody could miraculously grow a tumour in someone in that time period. That's just not possible. You need to tell the dr that's what she's saying because that could be serious for that nurse too...

----------


## selena

This nurse even put her post surgery drip now. The surgeon talked to her and convince her not to emphasize this subject...that she must recover first of all.

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## selena

We've found out the results, it's biliary tract cancer probably phase II- III. She returned home today but tomorrow she will be at hospital again during day time, maybe will return by night.
Anyway she will be dismissed soon, the only thing is that she should obey and later go for check to the Institute of Oncology. And maybe radiochemotherapy...

Her surgeon said the surgery wasn't too late, treatment to follow and the other things besides medical aid are in the hands of God.

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## Paula

Ok, hunni, so it's been caught in time to treat, which is good news. I know hearing someone you love has cancer is a massive blow but the doctors will do all they can and, from what you say, they sound cautiously positive. For now, your job is to look after your family and, just as important, look after yourself  :Panda:

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## Suzi

I know how hard it is to hear that a parent has cancer. BUT with this one they have said that there are options. Good options. Make sure she goes to oncology and go with her and ask all the questions you have.

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## selena

I wish God will help me not to lose my mind and to think it right.

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## Paula

You will but you're bound to be in shock so your mind will be a little foggy at the moment. The only thing you can do this evening is get some rest. You're in my prayers, hunni

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selena (05-09-17)

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## Suzi

Be kind to yourself lovely. Let it sink in properly.

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selena (05-09-17)

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## Flo

All is not lost selena. They have said that the cancer can be dealt with, and I'm sure they'll do their best. Try not to think too far ahead, focus on the positive side, that they can possibly treat your mum with maybe a good outcome. But like everyone has said, be good to you, that is most important. Everyone here is rooting for you. :Panda:

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selena (05-09-17)

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## selena

Today she has returned again in the evening at home. She feels happy just concerned over loss of weight.
I've been to my office today and stayed a little, and had a little walk in the nearby park.

----------


## Suzi

Well done for getting in a walk. Did you talk to your boss at all? 
Glad Mum is home. Does she have to go in tomorrow? Have you sorted an oncologist?

----------


## selena

We have talked through the Hr manager as she had been busy. We agreed about easier working schedule for me this week.

Yes, today she was officially dismissed. She will stay home, she will go for a check at hospital in 2 weeks.

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## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

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## Suzi

Glad you talked and have an easier week. 
How is your Mum lovely? How are you coping with her and your Grandma?

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## Paula

Hey, how are you doing?

----------


## magie06

I hope you are managing to juggle everything successfully. Thinking of you and remembering your mum in my prayers.

----------


## selena

My mum is feeling a little better, but very fragile. Sometimes she doesn't feel well enough, the recovery process is very slow and let's say it's stable for moment.
It's hard.  Grandma is calmer but she generally obeys, although her dementia has progressed. However she takes her pills.

----------


## Paula

All positive with mum and grandma then? Are you looking after yourself? Are you getting any rest?

----------


## Suzi

It's all going OK then lovely?

----------


## selena

Not quite and I barely could have any rest.

Today I have been all day long on the roads. My mom experienced a few problems. 

My anxiety has grown also because my boss's pressure (although she agreed in the end to give me less work now) and my mom is depressed too but she refuses any professional help. I don't know what to say. She told that she would die if I didn't listen to her, that I'm not an obedient daughter,   that I'm not a good Christian willing to go regularly to church, that I've already buried her! I understand the reason and I'm deeply hurt, all this because of this f...illness, but I don't agree with some of her statements, nor does she in the depth of her soul, I'm sure.

She also refuses any professional help with grandma. She is very stubborn.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Flo

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Selena she shouldn't be saying such horrid and hurtful things to you. She's completely wrong. You are perfect as you are.

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## selena

She calmed down anyway and I hope the things will improve further.
If she accepts psychological assistance, it would be much easier, but that's unlikely.

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart don't listen to her nonsense. Maybe tell her that if she can't say something nice or supportive then maybe she could keep those comments to herself. You are doing more than enough right now.

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## selena

She actually said in the end some nice things and thanked me, but she obstinately refuses any professional psychological assistance.

----------


## Suzi

Could you get them to come out and meet her?

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## Paula

Or maybe her cancer doctors could talk her into talking to someone?

----------


## selena

Maybe it can be sorted out with the doctors, I should meet them first.

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## OldMike

She shouldn't say such things to her daughter, you are beautiful as you are Selena  :(bear):

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selena (09-09-17)

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## selena

Thanks, Mike. 
She doesn't question my physical features, mostly my other features or she has fears, inner struggles.

She said she doesn't need any psychologist as she trusts in God.

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## Suzi

Then maybe she should try to be a better person and not say such nasty things to you....

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## selena

We apparently had a good time in the evening, I;ve made some skype photos while talking to a friend. But she later started crying.
and I was on the edge too. She felt worse and maybe will go to her surgeon for consultation.

I'm very anxious, studied some forums with this rare form of cancer. It's hard but I hope we'll sort out from this.

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## Paula

You're both under a lot of stress, hunni, and you're going to both be on edge and tearful. That's to be expected. Which is why you've got to try to be kind to each other and yourselves. Maybe seeing her doctor will be helpful for your mum, I'm sure you both have more questions now that you've had time to think about it all

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## Suzi

I'm concerned about you in all this love. You are so worried about everything all of the time. Knowledge is useful, but don't over research and make things seem worse than they are...

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## selena

My Mom feels better, she started cooking somethinbg light (in my absence!) and is very willing to do something. 

But recovery process is slow, she is very skinny yet and experiences some difficulties too. 
She respects recommendations generally and stays at home.

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## Paula

That's good to hear. She's eating, she's listening to what she's told to do and she's improving. All these will help her,in the fight ahead.

Are you eating? Getting rest? Looking after yourself?

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## selena

I'm trying to do my best as I'm aware that now I'm responsible for more things.

Not too much rest, as I'm bothered about many things at once and it's often difficult to focus onto something.

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## Paula

:Panda:

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## Suzi

I'm glad she's showing improvement lovely. Hopefully that will help you too.

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## selena

I'm better, my mother does too, but sometimes I'm hunted by bad thoughts of death and cancerophobia. 

Also experiencing some health problems, I think everything is related to the current situation.

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## Suzi

What health problems? Have you seen your Dr?

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## selena

Headaches, nausea, general tiredness. Yes, but haven't discussed all problems.

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## Suzi

Oh sweetheart, I know you've been so busy with so much going on, but why haven't you talked about everything?

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## selena

I think that is because of being busy and of all this sudden burden on me. Or maybe my thoughts had been too messy...

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## selena

It's hard, but my condition improved a little and my mom's condition is worse, it's such strange, sometimes I'm on the edge and ready to start crying at work, but sometimes I forget about my mom's cancer like this was just a nightmare...If it only had been this way.
Sometimes I faced mood swings like culpability, anxiety, suicidal ideas...I listened to religious songs, but also had 2 sessions with a psychologist.

I did a mistake basing earlier only on a man from dating site. Then I subscribed to closer dating site again and as this specialist said: "Never be afraid to lose a man, no matter who he is and what your feelings are". Don't hurry to decide either.

There is someone really respecting me, he is handsome and lives not too far from me, only that he is not my classical type.

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## Suzi

Does it matter if they are your "classical type"? In what way are they not?

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## selena

I don't know how to explain, these are basically stupid things.

Someone for example is more about Leo Di Caprio type, the others are more fond of Johny Depp.

----------


## S deleted

Ok so this guy isn’t your usual type, but that is probably a good thing cos let’s be honest, the men you go for don’t exactly seem to be the right ones. It doesn’t hurt to try something different to see if you like it.

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## OldMike

This man isn't you usual type (personality wise or looks wise?), maybe that is a good thing. Do you get on well together? If so just see how it goes.

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## Suzi

Marc wasn't "my type" either, but we've been together for over 18 years and married for over 10 and we have 3 children together. Step outside your comfort zone and try! Go out for a coffee or something with them and see if you like him!

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## selena

I mean in matter of looks first.

I also have stronger academic degree, but this doesn't matter so much in fact.

He is very calm and he has said himself that he will feel happy even if we remain just friends. He is not bad looking either and we get on very well - it is still the beginning, but he seems to be the "best" of my "admirers" so far. And the way he treats a woman - that's nice.

----------


## S deleted

Sounds like a decent enough guy.

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## Suzi

Then see how things go  :O:

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## selena

Actually feeling lost and not very happy. My mom's condition is slightly better, but still there are some problems.

Her surgeon told that she has a very rare cancer type and her case presents interest for medicine too.

I'm feeling less anxious at work but later I feel like I'm getting stuck in the depressive and suicidal mares, because I'm unable to change anything.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Flo

:Panda:

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## Suzi

Oh hunni I'm so sorry about your Mum. Do you have support? Over here we have the MacMillian Cancer charity who provide such great support, help, advice etc... Can you access something like that? 
If you are still dealing with suicidal thoughts can you get to see your Dr and get some help? You are important.

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## selena

Thank you everybody.
Unfortunately we do not have any specialized center, the only real support was proved by her surgeon. 

I can try to see what I can do, yes, that's hard time indeed.

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## Suzi

Can you get an appointment with someone?

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## selena

Not now probably.

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## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

----------


## Paula

> Not now probably.


Why not?

----------


## Jaquaia

Selena, it's vitally important that you keep yourself healthy, including mentally. Looking after your mum will be draining enough as it is without you being unwell too.

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## selena

Yes, you are right, as I'm feeling most of the time useless and lost. Also health complaints.

I've made some sessions at a private specialist and now they are available in a month or so.

----------


## Paula

Good, Im relieved to hear that  :):

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## Suzi

I'm glad you've made some appointments, but hunni what are the health complaints? Can you get to see someone about those?

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## selena

Yes, first of all vertigo and related moods. I can see my GP so that she can refer me to another specialist.

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## Flo

Vertigo is a horrible thing to suffer from Selena. The sooner you see someone the better. Are you eating and drinking properly? Getting enough sleep?  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Definitely get to see your GP asap lovely.

----------


## selena

I think I have some problems with sleep, but trying to do my best.

----------


## Suzi

Then get an appointment lovely...

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## selena

Actually the things are not exactly like I want them to be, but I'm happy my mom feels better.

As for my boss, it is very hard with her and to please her too, as for her assistant (husband) he is always rather nervous  and apparently hating us all. We have had just a few men in our company and I've never got why he has always had so much vile against the girls.

As for dating sites, there are many sick people out there, even sending indecent pics.

The man I talked to, he is probably a good friend and proved it, but unfortunately there is no sparkle between us.

Some days ago a Romanian from London contacted me, I thought him to be apparently an educated guy. But he insisted on more pics from me and that I should be submissive.

But what left me shocked it was his racism: he said he cannot stand coloured people there, he himself being not Romanian but Roma origin (judjing by his appearance) and not proper educated. He started insisting on his theories and I blocked him, especially because such people like him probably cause wrong impression about others.

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## Paula

Well done for blocking him, Selena

----------


## Suzi

I completely agree that you've done the right thing blocking him. You don't need that kind of rubbish in your life.

----------


## selena

It's difficult for me to undertake all responsibility and to stand up to the whole pressure around.

My boss and managers, fears for my mom and fearing to develop cancer myself. My mum feels better thank God, but she blames me for not being so active in church life and that the Muslims I talked to could have used some magic against me so that I get sick (one of priests told her once about their "magical powers").

Each time I experience some pain, I become very anxious as I know she has developed this illness. This Sunday I woke up really broken psychologically and physically. However I'm afraid because of my previous health complaints that I can develop something more.

Generally we get along well and the most important for me is trying to be enough good daughter and I'm dreaming that this nightmare passes away and I can have a good holiday.

----------


## Jaquaia

Trust me when I say that you have in no way caused your mums cancer. If not been active in the church caused cancer my whole family would have died years ago. Just as there is no magic that will cause cancer. Cancer is purely a gene mutation. It can be caused by genetics or by lifestyle or environmental factors. You have in no way caused it so please try and put it out of your mind. You're a good daughter  :Panda:

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selena (29-10-17)

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## selena

Yes, thank you for support.

She said nothing against me just generally telling that she fears about me as I haven't attended church so frequently  last time. And that some different religion men can harm me from distance, but I think she is just being anxious herself.

Yes, I coped with spiritual crisis, but I tried to pray with my own words basically.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry hunni, but I don't know of any Muslims who can cause cancer by magic or by you not going to Church. What she says is so wrong lovely.

----------


## Paula

> Yes, I coped with spiritual crisis, but I tried to pray with my own words basically.


Which is exactly what you need to be doing  :(bear):

----------


## selena

I've found time and went to GP, was prescribed some medications for 10 days and referred to some specialists. Although she supposes it was caused by the stress I've been through the last months.
Last night I had a bad nightmare also involoving my mom, just fearing now to fall asleep again.

----------


## Suzi

What medications and which specialists? I'm really, really, really pleased you made time to go and see your Dr lovely.

----------


## Paula

Well done, lovely, for getting to see the doctor.

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## selena

She prescribed Magne B6 and cinnarizine for 10 days, and referred to neurologist and endocrinologist specialists. 
As for mental health specialists, here GP is not responsible in case of adults.

----------


## Suzi

Who do you need to see about your mood?

----------


## selena

We have a few good private specialists.

----------


## Suzi

Can you try to get to see someone?

----------


## selena

Yes, but I doubt it will be possible now.

----------


## Suzi

Can I ask why?

----------


## selena

I'm waiting for my salary and then it will be possible to make an appointment, it will likely be in two weeks as it's not covered by medical policy.

----------


## Suzi

Oh OK that makes more sense!  :):  Hope you get that appointment lovely, do try to make it a priority. 

How are your Mum and your Grandmother?

----------


## Paula

Suzis right. I get that you need pay but, when that happens, you really do need to see someone. You need to be as physically and mentally strong as you can right now

----------


## selena

Yes, you are both right.

My mum is better, but she is very stubborn and tries to be too active, and grandma is fine.

----------


## Suzi

Your Mum sounds as stubborn as me  :O:

----------


## selena

Today they have taken blood tests from vein and my arm has some horrible mark as result, like inner blood clot. I got scared, not talking about my mom, now feeling better.
But I will get to know some results by next week. 

My boss is not the worst, but certainly a strange person, mocking of people and later making them gifts (although after my mom's illness, she became more patient). So she arranged for me a surprise - ticket at the cinema for premiere of "Murder on the Orient Express".

----------


## Paula

:O:  I always get bruising from blood tests as my veins are very narrow and hard to find - and I have to have them at least every 3 months. The marks disappear, I promise

----------


## Suzi

Wow! That's a lovely surprise from your boss!
I've only just had a bruise go after my operation - over 3 weeks ago! It's totally normal to get bruising after a blood test lovely x

----------


## magie06

Hi Selena. I hope your mum and your grandmother are in good form. I bruise very easily too. Yesterday I had a backpack with me when I was in Dublin, and when I was putting it on my back, I bruised my arm putting it into the strap. I have a huge bruise on my arm that will probably take about a week to disappear. I think the medication means I bruise very easily.

----------


## selena

Thank you, magie, it seems to have got better.

Like you know, I had been on Saturday at the premiere of the movie "Murder on the Orient Express". I wanted to see the 2017 version and my boss (what a surprise!) bought for some of us the tickets as a premium. It was nice and unexpected from her part. I enjoyed the movie and all of us were pleased too. One of the guys took some photos for boss and for us. When I saw the photo, I didn't think I looked worse than usually. 
Well, my boss regardless of her crazy ideas and pressure, likes to promote her employees on social links, on her official page. For this, I don't enjoy so much the events, although I have a colleague who is fatter than me. Well, it's not about it. My boss put a photo.

My mom saw it and said that my condition is worse and that I'm looking not good and lost of my charm after the tragedy happened to her, that I'm ill and it's probably everything worse (maybe she is right, who knows). And that my period is late, but really I've had this year more periods than in the last 10 years, yes, there is stress too. I've been trying my best, I try to find out the truth, the reasons for my illness, I know she is anxious but this only increases the level of my anxiety and fear of cancer and death. I've lost some weight, but I cannot make it myself, or really the slender"me" from many years ago was better than I'm now? I think my depression is the only bad thing, otherwise I'm more accomplished and my inner world became more empathic and I've learned to be more humble.

Then she said why I'm so reserved and shy, but how can I be different if I'm reminded about it again and again? 

I know she is not guilty and she is afraid of me too, but what am I expected to do, to hide forever?

Now I've started thinking that maybe it woud be better to remain single or maybe I don't deserve happiness.

She refuses psychological assistance, and that's hard. My mom told me only Church can return my charm, but I regularly attended religious services for years!
Yes, some miracles happened too, but I pray God that we shouldn't get worse and to protect us like other humans. 
I'm just tired and sincerely not thinking I'm so horrible nor that everything resumes to temporary body standards.

Yes, she attended churh, but this didn't unfortunately save her from cancer diagnosis.

I love her, but she is stubborn and sometimes didn't even obey to medical orders. I know she did not intend to be mean, and she just wanted the slender variant of me back.
I tried dieting, but endocrinologist warned me that people with hormonal disorders can destroy their system through dieting and exercising without medical prescriptions. 

Sorry for any grammar mistakes...
I'll put the photo later...

----------

OldMike (13-11-17)

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## selena

I'm also afraid of not being enough good daughter, that we had been cursed, that cancer and some other illnesses can eat us out.

I know that sounds stupid, at the moment only work saves me from getting mad, but this with drpping out my boss's occasional pressure.

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OldMike (13-11-17)

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## Paula

Youre not fat, you dont look ill. Actually, youve got a pretty face. Only church can return your charm??? You never lost your charm! There is no variant of you, you are you no matter the outside shell and she should be grateful to have such a loving, devoted, caring daughter. Without you she wouldnt have got through the last few months

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selena (13-11-17)

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## OldMike

You've a beautiful face Selena and you're a delightful person so warm and kind.

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selena (13-11-17)

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## selena

Thank you so much for encouragement.

Actually, I talked to online psychologist and he told me there is no place for shame, everybody is beautiful in his own way and we shouldn't try to appear in different way. 
He said it is hard period I'm passing through, but this will pass away and there will be better days for sure.

As for my mom, it is hard without her refusal to accept any psychological counselling.

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## magie06

I'm sending hugs your way.  :Panda:

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selena (13-11-17)

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## Suzi

Hang on - is this the photo that you shared on Facebook? I think you look lovely!

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selena (13-11-17)

----------


## selena

Yes, Suzi and thanks.

She calmed down too and says she had been just anxious.

----------


## Suzi

But she keeps on saying nasty, hurtful things to you and it's not fair....

----------


## selena

She told that she wishes I had perfect health.

I told that if we agree to accept ourselves in the current situation, it will be better, just to follow treatment and try to stay positive. My mom agreed, and I hope her anxiety will minimize,as mine is also a daily struggle.

----------


## Paula

My mum wishes I had perfect health too, shed never tell me Id lost my charm because of it!

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## selena

I think she has serious anxiety issues. I talked calmly as she is very ill, it's very bad though that she refuses any psychological assistance. Her argument is that the spiritual treatment is to be found basically in church.

----------


## Suzi

> My mum wishes I had perfect health too, she’d never tell me I’d lost my charm because of it!


Same here...

----------


## Paula

> I think she has serious anxiety issues. I talked calmly as she is very ill, it's very bad though that she refuses any psychological assistance. Her argument is that the spiritual treatment is to be found basically in church.


Sweetie, with the best will in the world, shes always talked to you like this. Theres no excuse for this - illness or no illness, youre her daughter and you deserve her love and respect

----------

Suzi (14-11-17)

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## selena

We've received some good news, but there are also some things under question.

My mom's cancer stage is third, but she underwent successful surgery and there are no metastasis detected so far although we live in permanent fear. 

As far as it concerns me, I got today appointment with the second endocrinologist (the first was private one) and she was really positive.

My blood tests results are good and normal. This is a good step, but I should undergo some more complex additional tests to exclude any serious hormonal troubles and related problems. I'm a little stressed, but the doc has said it would be better to find out the truth anyway and the prognosis of treatment is probably fine.

My poor veins, now comes the second arm...

----------


## Suzi

That does all sound like good news. 

Drink loads of water before you have a blood test, it should help at least a little.

----------


## Paula

Thats fantastic news!

----------


## selena

Found out the results, nearly everything fine, just saddened by one thing.

----------


## Paula

Whats that?

----------


## selena

Rather high insuline rezistance, but doctor calmed me that it could be corrected, it was also due to the last stress.

My mom found out the results and already supposed horrible diseases, although the doc said that's due to PCOS and nothing related.

"It's losing just a battle, not a war" - said he.

----------


## Paula

So theres nothing wrong that cant be dealt with by you looking after yourself better? Thats great news and I hope youre going to be a bit kinder to yourself from now on .....

----------


## selena

Yes, there is a plan, but I want to find a good endocrinologist first, this really bothers me.

----------


## Jaquaia

It's easily rectified Selena. I'm on a drug called metformin for that reason.

----------


## Suzi

And me...

----------


## selena

Thank you everybody  for support, as I've started to get anxious about it.

----------


## ophelia

hugs if wanted.

I can't believe where 2017's gone, and I can't believe that most of the year's been wasted.. with me accomplishing nothing.

I always say the next year is worse than the previous, and I do fear failing at life

getting  old and having nothing to look back on..

----------


## magie06

Can I just say that I think you are doing so well. You've really had a bad year and yet you are still so cheerful and positive on your thread. Well done.  :Panda:

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selena (18-11-17)

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## Suzi

> Thank you everybody  for support, as I've started to get anxious about it.


I can understand that, but really this isn't a massive issue lovely. You can work with this one.

----------


## selena

I hope so, especially compared to my mum's situation, but doc said that I should follow proper treatment in order to exclude possible consequences and cancer risks in the future. As to my mum, when I returned home she showed me a lot of web articles on horrible illnesses related to IR. Well, we agreed to calm down.

magie06, it is really hard to keep positive, but I'm really trying not to lose hope despite some hard moments. I have a lot of fears, but hope the upcoming year will be better indeed.

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## Suzi

Sweetheart your Mum always jumps to the worst case scenario and makes things out to be 100 times worse than they really are.

----------


## OldMike

> Rather high insuline rezistance, but doctor calmed me that it could be corrected, it was also due to the last stress.
> 
> My mom found out the results and already supposed horrible diseases, although the doc said that's due to PCOS and nothing related.
> 
> "It's losing just a battle, not a war" - said he.


That's what I was developing (started about 10 years ago) but a change in life style and cutting down on sugar has changed that where as 10 years ago I was verging on being type 2 diabetic, I'm now in the normal range. So Selina you should be able to manage your insulin resistance (basically you're making enough insulin but your cells can't use it like they should).

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selena (18-11-17)

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## magie06

Are you having a nice Saturday?

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## selena

Yes, Mike, that's very good and I'm happy for you overcoming this problem. I hope I'll be able to make this possible too by following appropriate treatment. I wonder about the reasons as I've always apparently eaten normally, my mom was more of a sweet tooth but she has never put weight either. He said it might be related to physical or psychological trauma occasionally, but in fact there is no need to search for causes in the past, but to follow instead right steps from now on.

magie06, yes, a quiet but rather nice day.

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## Paula

For some people, it just happens. My dad is the healthiest person I know but hes in the same boat.

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## selena

Yes, sincerely I have taken only valium in the most anxious recent times and nothing else.

Sometimes I think the reason behind my failure of finding genuine life partner so far is due to my anxiety and physical problems. It might not be exactly true but once friendship starts developping into something more I'm a bit afraid of what comes next.

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## Suzi

Maybe you need to spend time getting to see the specialists - you keep saying you are going to see a specialist counsellor and you haven't done that. I worry that you are trying to find love when you really need to focus on you and getting you more stable and happier and stop listening to your Mum saying nasty things...

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## selena

I'll see them.

Now I'm feeling so bad, I'm missing my only spiritual mentor and unprofessional psychologist - a priest of Orthodox Church and my confessor for some years.

He is such a kind person and he always was kind to my mom and me, he always insisted on more caring about me and receiving professional help. 

Now I cannot get in touch with him as he went abroad and probably a period of spiritual silence.

Missing him so much...

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## Suzi

Is there anyone else you could be talking to?

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## selena

It's a little bit hard to find someone suitable.

----------


## Suzi

Can you ask around?

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## selena

Well, I can at least find some time and try.

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## Paula

You do need to, lovely

----------


## Suzi

Can you make it a priority?

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## selena

I'm expected to make 2 more blood tests and have an appointment with another endocrinologist.
And treatment is expected to start soon, but I'm a little bit afraid too.

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## Paula

Afraid of what?

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## selena

Side effects.

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## Paula

What particular side eff3cts worry you?

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## selena

Like nausea and possible diarrhea, it is impossible to work in the office in such condition.

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## Paula

What treatment do you think will be given thats going to have those sort of side effects?

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## selena

Metformin tabs.

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## Suzi

Selena I've been taking metformin for about 3 months and I haven't experienced any of those side effects at all.

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## selena

Thank you, suzi, this gives a hope that everything is not so bad as it seems.

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## Suzi

No love, it's really not...

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## selena

It's so strange...but when I'm put down by these horrible mood swings and thoughts, sometimes I feel ashamed of myself because of my mom's illness in comparison with all this.

Sometimes I think I won't be courageous enough to succeed in my treatment.

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## Suzi

Selena, it's taking a pill a couple of times a day. That's not anything to be "courageous" about at all.

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## selena

Thank you, Suzi, your last comment made me smile.

However I have a question. 

Who do you think I can talk to if I have a big inner spiritual conflict?

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## Suzi

Do you have a local priest you can trust? Or a counsellor? What kind of spiritual conflict?

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## selena

Religion related, my thoughts, my mom's condition and her ideas. 
I'll think about it.

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## Suzi

What about your local priest?

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## selena

My confessor went abroad, but I'll see if I can have any confidence with another priest to share my feelings.

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## magie06

Can you speak to anyone else in your church?

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## selena

I doubt it, but should definitely think.

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## Jaquaia

> Metformin tabs.


I did have some gastro side effects. If you do have those, there is an extended release tablet you can be put on instead which is much gentler on your stomach and those problems have gone.

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## magie06

How are you getting on today?

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## selena

I feel better, thank you, magie06. It was in fact a nice day and I received great support from my colleagues.

My boss actually ...she wants to become my FB friend, really don't know what to do, I cannot think about hidding or changing permanently settings.

What to do?

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## magie06

If I was in your situation, I think I would allow her to become a Facebook friend. You don't have to send her anything, you can just include all your other friends in your posts. Just my suggestion.

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selena (30-11-17)

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## Suzi

Or you can add her but as an acquaintance and then she wouldn't see anything if you set your posts as only that list..

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selena (02-12-17)

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## selena

I was finally prescribed treatment, but it's really hard.

Now I'm preparing for it, and will probably start in a few weeks. The doc said I have no choice as I have high risk of diabetes that is probably connected to the last stress I passed through this year.

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## Suzi

What treatment? The metformin tablets? Why is that really hard?

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## selena

Not only tablets, a rather strict diet in my case. It's not only about sweets.

She said she is sorry, but in my case that is and I should give it a try.

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## Paula

TBH, I think that a strict diet is vital for anybody with diabetes/borderline diabetes, particularly at first when youre trying to get things under control. Given what could happen if you dont take the tablets and change your diet, Id say The restrictions are worth it. There are worse things in life than having to be careful with your diet

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## magie06

Like Paula says, a strict diet is important to get diabetes under control. My sister who was never over weight in her life, lost a stone and a half when she discovered she had type 2 diabetes. I think it is running in the family as my dad and my brother were both diagnosed with it in the last year.

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## selena

Yes, thank you all for support, she said I should be under medical monitoring with all these blood tests in the upcoming months.

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## magie06

It's no harm to have regular blood tests. It gives your doctor a very good idea of how healthy you are. It doesn't hurt really, and your body makes up the loss very quickly.

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## Suzi

Selena, I know it's a shock, but honestly lovely you are making this into something really horrific. It's not. It's a case of eating better - less sugar, less carbohydrates, eating enough, drinking enough water and generally taking much better care of yourself. I'm working on it too and it's not nearly as traumatic as you are making it out to be lovely!

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## selena

Today my boss called me and gave a kind of quick task.

To decorate my office within an hour but without tree, just keeping minimal elements. I did it and then sent a few pics to her.

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## selena

I also lost in 2 months 3 kg, maybe it is not enough, but I'm happy anyway. I've just found out.

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## Paula

Well done on the loss, hunni

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## Suzi

Well done lovely.

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## selena

Hoping everybody is fine today.

I have a very good news (although there are some bad ones too).

First of all, do you believe in a kind of "magic" relation between two close relatives?
I've started to think about my dad around a month and a half ago, and even started missing him!
Before our first meeting some years ago (which was difficult one), we had never met again since their divorce (I was around 3-4) and he returned to his country.

In fact, I decided to forget and forgive everything as he never harmed me or something, he was just missing in my life, it was really an empty place in this aspect. And I would say the most important was emotional impact.
Despite some awkward moments, we got along well enough for our first meeting. There are some awkward moments and even when he hurt me with some inappropriate comments, it was not done deliberately I guess. He failed just to be responsible enough, but he is calmer then my Mom...definitely. However, I cannot say she ever talked badly about him. Now they admit their divorce was a failure, although his mom was very authoritative. And the events that followed after were horrible. My mom's life was hard as she wasn't probably appreciated enough by her parents. Her second marriage was tragic and the so called male having the role of my stepdad was horrible, she was abused and he always tried to touch me or hit me. After he had finally gone from our life, I often had nightmares in the first years that he would return back. I think my grandpa and later uncle were the only reason he didn't badly beat my mom and didn't dare to abuse me. However, it was living near a swine who always tried to ruin everything. 

I want to say I'm missing my dad, I forgave him for not being present in my life. I cannot say that I love him yet, but I'm attached to him already, he is a special person to me.It's strange to call someone "Dad" after all these years.He phoned me some time ago and asked how I am doing, apologizing for having failed to be a good father and saying that he loves me.
So I decided to call him and his mom (my paternal grandma) today just to greet them. And I even called him for first time "dad". He said he was thinking about me too. He also has some health problems and will have a surgery after NY.  I wish him full recovery. He apologized and said that he is really proud of me and I'm his only heir. And really willing to see me soon in Latvia. I know he loves me cause he loved my mum very much.

My mom found what and told me:" You see, you complained that you didn't have a good father, and know you can remain orphan". Her words hurt me. It's true, but I never said something really negative either.
I really appreciate what my mom did for me and I love her, but some of her comments hurt me. She said that I shouldn't be with a man of different religion for example. For me, it is not relevant, I believe in God, in my religion and I don't want my world be ruined. And my horrible stepdad was not muslim, so what? I know she cares, but nothing has been decided in my private life yet. Even her roomate at hospital told her:" Sweetie, leave the girl in peace and never wish her that something doesn't work out with a man X or Y. Do you want to have grandchildren? Then don't try to make her life impossible. She is adult and her PCOS is not a tragedy either ".

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## Paula

Selena, thats wonderful to hear! Im so proud of you for making that call  :):  and your mums roommate sounds extremely sensible and kind

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selena (17-12-17)

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## Suzi

I completely agree with Paula!  :):

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selena (17-12-17)

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## selena

I think the fact that my Dad cares about me has calmed me down and there is really a slight improvement in my condition.

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## Suzi

That's brilliant. You see I can't imagine why anyone wouldn't care about you - you're lovely!

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## magie06

Hi. How are your plans going for Christmas? Have you finished work now?

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## selena

Hi and thanks for asking.

I've worked half day today. But unfortunately here we have shortened holiday time. December 25 was declared bank holiday. That is a good news. 

But the next day it is my boss's birthday and I'm already anxious. Our new HR manager is so strange and unfortunately does not try to respect the other people Christmas time.

On December 26, we should be by 8 am at her office in the centre of the city,congratulate her then heading up to our office again for work, then at 6 pm to be in the Center at nightclub for celebration of my boss's birthday. My mom feels better, but still, and she gets anxious if I stay there till late. And I have no mood for any fun and especially some hypocrite declarations.
As for me, I really appreciate my boss anyway, but feeling no need to praise her like a Goddess, just a nice present and saying big thank you.

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## Suzi

That's not good that you only get the one day off. Maybe the party will be better than you think? The last few social engagements have been, haven't they?

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## selena

Yes, who knows, maybe it's my anxiety. But the idea of being there at 8am for simle congratulations is just awkward and stupid.

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## magie06

It seems so strange to me that you would go back to work on the 26th. That is a bank holiday here and a lot of places will be closed for the full week, especially the offices. You have some strange customs in your country. (Or maybe it's my country that is a little strange). Please enjoy Christmas day and I pray that 2018 will be a healthier and happier year for you.

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selena (23-12-17)

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## selena

Magie06, you are right indeed, the thing is that society is still so divided even many years following the breakdown of USSR. In consequence, just a few people really celebrate Christmas in its true meaning. However, Easter is more festive time.
I will try to enjoy this special upcoming day and thank you for prayers.

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## Suzi

I think it's sad that we don't celebrate each major festival..

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## selena

I'm also concerned about the upcoming diet and taking medicines.
I read some stories regarding the same diagnosis and they are very different.Some are inspiring, the others are discouraging.

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## Suzi

Regarding diabetes? Have a look through this trusted site: *​*https://www.diabetes.org.uk/

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selena (23-12-17)

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## Jaquaia

Selena, you really shouldn't worry about the diet and medication. I've been on it for around 6 years now and I am fine. PCOS puts you at a greater risk of developing diabetes so it's just something they need to monitor.

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## Paula

Selena, I (like others here) have got an ever growing list of health problems that could, without the correct monitoring and treatment, have a discouraging prognosis.  I could be constantly scared and think about it all the time but instead I choose to be grateful for what Ive got and live my life. Make the lifestyle changes, take the medication and LIVE!

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## selena

I hope everyone enjoyed good Christmas time with family.

I'm rather nervous cause of my boss's upcoming party tomorrow and short visit to the dentist.

Yesterday my mum told me again hurtful words, she apologized today. I see no point in all this. She refuses to go to psychologist and receive pofessional help. I got used to this and I really wish that her disease disappears but I'm useless here.
I don't know maybe I haven't done enough, but I tried to do all possible things. I have mental issues and she struggles too. I care about her, but I'm tired and excuse me, but I really want to go for a little time abroad, for example even missing my dad.

I'm scared and tired that we are in fact unable to change something.

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## magie06

Good luck with your boss's party tomorrow. I'm sure it will be okay.

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## Suzi

Selena love, I think you are going to have to tell your Mother to stop speaking to you like that. How dare she say upsetting things to you? She makes me so angry. 
I hope that you have had some enjoyment today x

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## selena

Hello to everybody.

My mom is calm. 
We congratulated (the team) my boss in the morning, now I'm a bit anxious as I'm waiting for the evening.

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## Suzi

I bet it won't be as bad as you think it's going to be. Go with an open mind - you might enjoy it  :O:

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## selena

The party actually was nice despite that my boss was not too nice with us the last period.

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## Paula

Im glad it was good, well done for going  :):

----------


## Suzi

Glad it was mostly good. 
What happened to make you say that she wasn't nice?

----------


## OldMike

It's good that the party was okay  :):

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## selena

Well, maybe it's related to my anxiety.

I cannot stand crowds, but there are cases of unpleasant people too. Although, most of my colleagues are nice people and there had been only us.

And I cannot stand when there are a lot of stupid jokes.

But I must admit it was nicer than I had thought.

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## OldMike

I'm not a lover of crowds either Selena but I do like silly jokes  :(nod):  (not hurtful, slapstick or practical jokes they are a no no  :(shake):  )

It sounds like your party was okay.

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## selena

Yes, Mike, I mean this kind of bad jokes.

But it was fine.

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## Suzi

How are you feeling today?

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## selena

A little bit tired, but more relaxed.

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## Suzi

Good, I'm glad.

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## magie06

Hi, have you gone back to work yet? My husband was back last Thursday, so going today wasn't too bad. He's a postman and is out in all weather. We have a storm here this evening, and the wind is very strong at the moment.

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## selena

Yes, today was the first day. First I was feeling awkward, but later I slowly returned to ordinary working day.

It is rather quiet anyway, as many people here took this week as a holiday.

Here it's a rather warm weather, at least for moment.

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## Suzi

So glad it was an OK day  :O:

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## selena

I've spent today a nice evening. 
It had been a rather busy day, having translated legal agreements all day long.

I was not feeling like being ready to go somewhere this evening, but my local friend bought tickets to the theatre. I like opera, so made an effort and spent a nice evening after.

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## Paula

That sounds lovely  :):

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## Suzi

I love the opera! Sounds like a wonderful treat!

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## selena

Just don't laugh, I have  basically following diet for 2 weeks and this evening I'm supposed to take my first Glucophage (aka Metformin) dosage, but I'm a little afraid. I'm always a bit frightened when I must take pills.

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## S deleted

Nothing to be scared of. You’ll be fine.

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## selena

I've taken it, thank you for encouragement.

I joined a group concerning those affected with my mom's cancer type and their relatives. It really increased my anxiety and deeply saddened, especially after I read about a woman who lost her son to this horrible disease. It is heartbreaking.

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## Suzi

Leave that group if it's having a negative affect on you.... 

Well done for taking the meds.

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## Paula

Sweetie, try to remember that, as many sad stories you read, youll hear many more where people have beaten this disease. These stories are not youre mums story  :(bear):

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## selena

I'm ok, but my anxiety and pain intensified after today incident.

My grandma was admitted to hospital, she had extensive myocardial infarction. 

I saw her at hospital after work. She has weakened so much, it hurts to see her this way although I know that's life. 
She stays so optimist even now.

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## TiffanyyO

> I'm ok, but my anxiety and pain intensified after today incident.
> 
> My grandma was admitted to hospital, she had extensive myocardial infarction. 
> 
> I saw her at hospital after work. She has weakened so much, it hurts to see her this way although I know that's life. 
> She stays so optimist even now.


 :Panda:  So sorry to hear about your grand mother xoxo

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## Suzi

Your grandmother had a heart attack? Oh sweetheart I'm sorry. I hope that her optimistic and hopeful attitude continues. She's a very strong lady. I hope for a really quick and full recovery for her x

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## Paula

:Panda:

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## selena

Yes, thank you. It is really hard.

But I hope for recovery, i.e. at least slight improvement.

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## TiffanyyO

My thoughts are with you selena  :):

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## Suzi

How is she today? How is your Mum dealing with it? How are you lovely? Did you ever go and see the specialist about your mental health?

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## selena

Thank you for caring. None of us has seen her today yet. My mum called the nurse in the early morning, she said that her condition is stable, then a doctor from lab said she has a very low hemoglobin level. My mum went there today, but they don't allow visitors before 5 pm (and until 7-8 pm). Some manage to see their close people in intensive care ward, but they didn't let my mum saying that grandma has blood perfusions due to severe anemia too.
When my mom got home, she had bad cramps. But then felt better. Me too, I really wonder how I managed to work today. I had a bad headache and rather high blood pressure. I think due to stress too.
The frost got harder, I'm a little cold, but my mum will probably go again this evening.

I received message and I'll have appointment in March.

----------


## Suzi

Hope she's getting stronger lovely. 

Can you do something to be kind to yourself this evening?

----------


## selena

A warm cup of tea and talking to a new friend I guess.

But the biggest news is that mom returned from hospital and grandma feels better!

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## Paula

That is good news! Sweetheart, try to rest and relax this weekend, please

----------


## Suzi

That's great news

----------


## selena

Oh, just wish me good luck, I'm going for a date today (probably!). We have been talking and he has been nice so far.

But I'm so emotional, if we really like each other, although we share friendship and respect...

----------


## Mira

Hi, good luck, how great to going on a date. If you already share friendship and respect there is nothing that can go wrong. I hope you have a great time.

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selena (27-01-18)

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## selena

Thank you, Well, I've been preparing for some time and wondering if I'm looking good enough, if and_ ifs_ again...

He said me not to worry, then it is just beginning, but I'm a bit crazy.

----------


## Paula

Thats great news! What time?

----------


## selena

Today in the late evening, there will be another friend too, but we'll remain face to face. It's in the cafe near my house.

----------


## Paula

Try to relax and have fun  :):

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selena (27-01-18)

----------


## Suzi

Hope you've had/are having a good time!!

----------


## Mira

I was just thinking the same as Suzi did  :):

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Suzi (28-01-18)

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## selena

I was so over emotional, probably it was a little weird, but it worked out between us. We had exchanged messages before, but this was different, and me too shy. He told me to feel at ease, no embarrasment anyway, his attitude is nice. He is educated and intelligent. But I worried cause of my anxiety. Although I want it to be special and he does too. I like that he has never tried to push me to do something keeping calm.

As for home, grandma was dismissed from hospital today. She is still very weak, but quiet and in clear mind.

----------


## Paula

Well that sounds about as good as most first dates go  :):  welll done!  Glad grandmas honme, hope she manages to rest

----------


## selena

I'm happy from one side, because he is special anyway in my eyes and special feeling too. But I wonder how to build up a relationship with a man, if he doesn't (and maybe shouldn't) know anything about my anxiety.

----------


## Jaquaia

Take it slowly and don't rush things, just see how things go. Are you seeing him again?

----------


## selena

I want, I'm just struggling with some bad mood swings now.

----------


## Suzi

That sounds positive about your date and well done Grandma! 

So... I would tell him about your anxiety, but you've only had 1 date and you don't really know each other yet... When are you going on the next date?

----------


## selena

I don't know yet, but we can talk about it.

I'm sad because of another thing too. Metformin treatment proved to work well for me so far, but I has experienced some difficulty in gallbladder area (although I probably surely experienced it before). Maybe I'm worried too but I'm afraid of getting fast in surgery department if I increase dosage. I'm really concerned about it.

----------


## S deleted

Selena metformin is a well established drug and the benefits outweigh any side effects. Maybe you can use peppermint oil to relieve the symptoms. Drinking peppermint tea can help.

----------


## selena

Thank you for suggestion.

Stella180, have you taken Metformin too?

----------


## Jaquaia

What side effects are you having? I had a few intestinal problems with metformin but swapped to the extended release version and found it much easier to manage

----------


## selena

No side effects, just some vertigo. But I noticed heavy sensations in liver/gallbladder area.

Jaquaia, what dosage have you been taking?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm on 750mg twice a day. If you're concerned about any side effects then speak to your doctor. DON'T google them as it will just make you more anxious and fearing the worst.

----------


## S deleted

> Thank you for suggestion.
> 
> Stella180, have you taken Metformin too?


Yeah I’ve been taking it for about 2 yrs now.

----------


## selena

Of course, I will pass ultra sound exam again. But the presence of this gallstone worries me, I mean especially some effects while taking metformin.

----------


## Jaquaia

You need to stop looking for issues. If we all were to pay attention to the side effects list then so many of us would never be treated. Side effects generally disappear after the first few weeks, if you're still worried then go and see your doctor for some reassurance. If the gallstone was an issue the doctors would be looking to treat it.

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S deleted (30-01-18)

----------


## selena

Maybe you're right and it's due to my inner fears.

----------


## Paula

> Of course, I will pass ultra sound exam again. But the presence of this gallstone worries me, I mean especially some effects while taking metformin.


Sweetheart, I know its understandable that youve got concerns about this but I promise you, youre far more likely to become ill if you DONT take the medication than if you do. Your doctors know you, they know your history and wouldnt give you the drug if they thought it would do you harm. Diabetes is your risk factor and treating that is what your focus should be on

----------

selena (31-01-18)

----------


## Suzi

I take it too. 
I actually don't read the patient information leaflets as tbh they all pretty much say the same _can cause constipation_ but the next point _can cause diarrhea_ They just have to list everything that _might_ happen just in case.... I take around 30 tablets each day, every day....

----------


## S deleted

30!? Holy Cow! I take 13 plus my inhaler, and that’s more than enough.

----------


## Suzi

Yup, and that's just the basics. There are others I can add in if need be...

----------


## S deleted

I go into meltdown every time my meds change. I don’t think I could manage all of those everyday.

----------


## Jaquaia

I now take 8 every day but Monday when I take 17. If I paid attention to the side effects I'd never take some of them as I'd be panicking about damaging my lungs, liver, kidneys and eyes!

----------


## selena

Thank you, I'll do the right way and try to follow what I have already started.

30 is no comment! 

Jaquaia, 750 mg twice per day, how is it 8 tab.? Or I'm too bad at math.

----------


## Jaquaia

It's 2 tablets of extended release metformin

----------


## Paula

> I go into meltdown every time my meds change. I dont think I could manage all of those everyday.


Its surprising what you can cope with when you have to ...

----------


## S deleted

I suppose you’re right Paula. Not like any of us take meds for fun. 

I take 4 x 500mg metformin, 2 in the morning and 2 in the evening.

----------


## Suzi

> I go into meltdown every time my meds change. I don’t think I could manage all of those everyday.


But without them I couldn't move or look after my kids, or do anything... I'd always take the pills rather than having no quality of life.

----------


## selena

Today family physician came to see my grandma. My mum asked her about metformin, she says no way it can be possible that it moves "stone" in a body, it's just very important medicine for me instead. So, I'm going to follow my treatment under medical monitoring of course.

----------


## S deleted

Good, glad that’s been cleared up for you.

----------


## Suzi

Haven't you started it yet?

----------


## selena

No, I've started but I have to increase my dose by the end of this week according to doctor's prescription.

----------


## Suzi

So what dose are you on now?

----------


## selena

1000 mg per day.

----------


## selena

I'm feeing so bad, like I'm willing to vanish, I will write in my another thread.

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):

----------


## selena

Really hard week for me. I wish something changes as I'm already over anxious.

Besides everything, the new girl replacing me this week "vanished " or something alike and I should return to work tomorrow. Her phone and my office phone switched off, some people saw her drunk. That's not my problem at all.

Just fed up with everything.

----------


## Suzi

Then try to get yourself an appointment with the psychiatrist lovely - you need some help and support either with a psych or a counsellor.... You've been putting it off for far too long now.

----------


## selena

I've been passing through a little bit harsh time again.

A lot of stressful situations and all this because of HR manager's influence on my boss.

A lot of work all week and even on week-ends and this nasty woman's attempts to put us down.

Today my boss showed me the scan of her discussion with a potential customer. This so called customer wrote that she had been at my office and I had told her that her document could not be translated. This is a very rude lie, but I have no camera in my office for evidence. Then she asked me to call this woman and she tried to say that it was a misunderstanding or something.
This HR wants old emloyees step down from the offices. Four of my ex colleagues had resigned and perform translations home. 
I'm feeling lumps again, feeling very anxious...This situation is putting me down

My mom told me that I should be patient and pray. Ok, but this nasty woman can put down anybody.

----------


## Paula

I cant believe you still work there. I wish you would find a way to get out of that toxic environment

----------


## selena

I'm thinking about gaining some money and living in Latvia at my dad's place for a while, at least trying.

----------


## Suzi

Are you still looking for a different job where you are? You seem to feel lumps when you are stressed - is that fair? Have you still continued to see your counsellor?

----------


## selena

Not now. Honestly, I can earn safely at home doing translations for this company and others, but my mum has asked me to wait a little. 
Yes, and I'm nearly all time stressed in the office.

No, she is on holiday and will return in September.

----------


## Paula

Why does your mum want you to wait?

----------


## selena

I think she wants me to work in the office and then that local employees are probably all the same.

I agree with the second statement, but I would feel much more relaxed if I did translations at home. 

And maybe there is also a reason: my boss donated for her blood last year.

----------


## Suzi

Thing is you deserve to be respected and you aren't where you are now.. 
Could you and other friends who have left join together and form your own company?

----------


## selena

It is a nice idea, I think I should try to get more in touch with some of them.

----------


## Suzi

It would be a good idea - maybe if one of them has too much work to do then it could be passed to someone else etc?

----------


## selena

I talked to my ex colleagues. One is abroad, the other works in a different field and has never really worked as a translator. The other two work as freelancers (for my company too) at home and perform only translations they have chosen.
Our last Sales Manager has also resigned. We talked and he told me he is envious of my angelic patience because our boss is too greedy and wants us to work day and night.
He thinks so, I'm on the edge and nearly in hysterics! He told me he asked her why she keeps on putting pressure on me, her reply is that I'm considered as a good translator, but I'm just too responsible! I want to see her translate day and night!

I really don't know what to do, but my anxiety got worse and I'm feeling worn out again.

----------


## Paula

Could you not freelance for your company and pick and choose what you want to work on?

----------


## selena

Yes, even freelance with my company would be ok.

I'm feeling so suicidal, yes, I'm considered as a good translator, but otherwise I'm feeling like a failure.

----------


## Suzi

You aren't a failure at all! I really think you need to get out of that toxic environment lovely..

----------


## selena

But who am I, if no man really loved me?
Maybe grandpa.
My dad has never truly cared about me, my stepdad has made sexual advances towards me (thank God he never did anything!). Then I'm either cursed, or abnormal.

----------


## Suzi

Why do you feel you need a man to give you self worth?

----------


## selena

I think I just need someone's love, feeling that someone shares even a small part of my feelings.

----------


## OldMike

Selena you're a highly intelligent young woman and a truly beautiful person, yes it would be nice if you had someone to share your life but being single doesn't make you any less of a person. Not all relationships are like fairy tales and being single does have its advantages in that you can do what you want when you want.

----------

selena (30-08-18),Suzi (31-08-18)

----------


## selena

I've started thinking about more socialising, maybe yoga.

----------


## selena

Mike, thank you so much for such nice and encouraging words.

I also faiiled with the men I tried to build up a relationship. It is heart breaking now.

There are mixed feelings of guiltness and being manipulated with my mom. Now she came to have more communication with her friends.
Of course, she maybe wants me to be with the best man in her view. And in fact it's my stupid fantasy.
But it deeply hurt me when she told me: " I pray that you will not be with X and may he find someone else".

And then I failed since the beginning. Mother is one and dearest person, but a colleague told me this:" It's not about her, but if you are willing that everything shall be ok next time, just don't tell her anything until it becomes really serious".

----------


## Paula

All of my relationships failed, until I fell in love with my husband. Those failures showed me how special my relationship with Si is and I might not have realised that without those past relationships. The most important thing I learned was that I did not have to rely on a man to provide self worth - poor self worth can actually trap us in bad relationships and sabotage new relationships. Without loving ourselves, how can we truly expect someone else to love us?

----------


## Suzi

Mike and Paula are right.. 

I've had some shockingly bad relationships and they each "failed" but actually whilst it broke my heart a few times actually I wouldn't be the person I am now without them.... I also wouldn't have known how to know that this was true love when I got involved with Marc.

----------


## Jaquaia

What they said. If it wasn't for my failed relationships, I wouldn't know that I have the real thing with J. What I do know is my relationship does not define me. We are still our own separate people with our own worth. You need to still be you. Having a partner may make you happier but it doesn't make you any better than someone who is single

----------

OldMike (31-08-18)

----------


## selena

Thank you for support. You are right of course, I'm just feeling tired and destroyed.

My stressful job too. I've had an offer from the other company. I should check it.

Yes, my boss raised our salary. 500-600 EUR is a very good salary here, but I'm supposed to work day and night. Less money shall be better than this stress and the fact I'm very critical towards myself and try to carefully check the quality of performed translations. You cannot even imagine how greedy she is, once she notices a customer, she thinks about money, sometimes asking even more.  My hands are already trembling and lumps are suffocating me.
I switch off phone on week-end, but they try to reach me anyway. They are like predators hunting for me.

----------


## Paula

Definitely check out the other company, love

----------


## selena

What do you think of attending yoga sessions?

----------


## Paula

If it interests you, go for it

----------


## selena

I thought that my body is not exactly for this, but I found out different women attending it. 
My endocrinologist also recommended it.

----------


## selena

I've got some discounts from travelling agency for January-February, but should think carefully first.

----------


## Suzi

I've been doing some T'ai Chi with the mindfulness course I'm doing and I'm loving it... Hope you do look into the yoga.

----------

selena (31-08-18)

----------


## CaterpillarGirl

One of my friends does yoga, she's going through a lot of stress at work at the moment (to the point that it's causing her depression and anxiety which she's never suffered from before) she's swears by the yoga, says it really helps calm her and makes her feel more herself

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selena (01-09-18)

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## selena

I've decided to resign and not to work in this company as an office manager anymore. 
I'm in hysterics, I cannot think about anything. I've been exploited for nothing.

If she agrees, I can translate, but online. I will work as a freelance officer and maybe for other companies too.

Just encourage me please.

Today is Sunday and my hands are trembling already...

----------


## Paula

I think thats fantastic news! You need to get out from that toxic environment and this decision will be much better for you and your health  :):

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selena (02-09-18)

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo!! That's brilliant! You could do so much better as freelance. You'd be able to set your own payment rates too! 
I'm so proud of you for standing up for you!

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selena (02-09-18)

----------


## OldMike

That's great news, working freelance you can pick and choose your own jobs and it should be less stressful.

----------

selena (02-09-18)

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## selena

Guys, just imagine, she messaged me now and proposed to translate a big text for morning! For a laughable fee.
I refused. Enough is enough!

----------


## Suzi

Good for you!!!!

----------


## Paula

Youre in my thoughts and prayers, sweetie  :(bear):

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're ok lovely. Remember it's OK to not be OK right now. You need to be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve..

----------


## selena

Thank you for support.

Funeral ceremony passed today. There were just close friends of family, some neighbours and my mom's cousin.

It is still hard because I cannot still believe I will not find her home after work. I was free today (I agreed to remain in this agency until the end of year).
It is like an end of my life's period.

Now there are just the two of us-me and my mom.

Grandma had an important role in my life.  She is deeply missed.

----------


## selena

I am aware that it was hardly possible to be by her side more often due to a busy schedule, but I'm still feeling guilty for this.

----------


## Jaquaia

You have no need to feel guilty. She knows you love her and that is the main thing. You need to be kind to you lovely  :Panda:

----------

OldMike (20-09-18),selena (20-09-18)

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## Suzi

Sweetheart every time anyone passes away those left behind feel guilty. It'll never make any difference how much time you spent with her, you'd always find another reason to feel guilty. It's "just" part of grief. 

You need to be kind to yourself. You need to remember that you loved her and she loved you. Remember the good times and all the words of wisdom she has shared with you.

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OldMike (20-09-18),selena (20-09-18)

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## Paula

I cant agree with Jaq and Suzi more. Sending you much love and hugs, sweetie  :(party):

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OldMike (20-09-18),selena (20-09-18)

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## OldMike

The previous ladies are right when someone close passes there's so many what ifs, I know it's a cliche but time heals. I've lost both my parents and the sadness I felt then has now faded and I remember the smiles and laughs we had together.  :(bear):   :Panda:

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Flo (30-09-18),selena (21-09-18),Suzi (21-09-18)

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## selena

Thank you for kind words, it really touched my soul.

Me and my mom...we will adjust to new reality, it's just hard to manage this at once. Even our cat seems to be "messed up" because he had never been alone at home before.

----------


## Jaquaia

It will take time lovely. My nana died when I was 17 and I still miss her. It gets easier but you don't necessarily get over it, you just learn how to deal with it so it hurts a bit less  :Panda:

----------


## selena

My maternal grandpa meant a lot to me too. When he died, I was still a teenager. Now, being adult and more responsible, grief is the same, but this death's perception is different.

----------


## Suzi

Do what you need to do to help you through this lovely. It was the anniversary of my Dad's passing a couple of weeks ago and I still miss him.... Sweetheart grief is horrible. Talk to those around you and work through it at your pace..

----------


## selena

I'm still grieving, but I'm slowly getting better too.

I felt so bad the upcoming week after funeral, even yesterday, having experienced vertigo, nausea and bad headaches. My mom even went to a check at hospital.

My boss provided support to me too, asking not to put on me much work last week. I still don't know about my job. Because my dad called me last week and asked to wait a little as he expects me to come to Latvia next year, and it shall be better to keep my current job position for better opportunities there.

My endo increased Metformin dosage up to 1500 mg/day and I'll undergo blood test and other exams in December. It's ok, just experiencing more nausea and nearly impossible for me to eat meat on this dosage.

----------


## Flo

So sorry to hear about your loss Selena. I never knew any of my grandparents. Time will heal Selena. I'm sure you had many happy times together, and have many lovely photos of you all together to look at and smile about. :(bear):

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selena (30-09-18)

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## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

----------


## Paula

Its still really early days lovely, you are going to have to be kind to yourself for a while  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart how long have you been on the increased dose? If you're struggling to eat then maybe you need to go back to them and tell them so....

----------


## selena

For about two weeks or a little more. I'll see then.

----------


## Jaquaia

Why can't you eat meat on the increased dose? Are you having gastric issues on them?

----------


## Suzi

I can't help re the meat eating as I'm vegan....

----------


## Jaquaia

Immediate release metformin can cause some gastric issues, changing to the prolonged release can help that. Definitely something to discuss with your doctor

----------

selena (02-10-18),Suzi (01-10-18)

----------


## selena

Yes.

No, I cannot eat it because nearly all meat products make me experience nausea.

----------


## Jaquaia

Definitely discuss it with your doctor, it could be that changing to the prolonged release would help you.

----------


## OldMike

I don't know much about metformin but if there is a slow release version that may be the way to go, discuss it with your doctor.

----------


## Flo

If it's any help, my hubby is on a large dose of Metformin - in fact they encourage almost as much as you can take at the surgery! - and he had bad diarrhoea because of the dosage. He's going for the slow release Metformin, which won't be so violent with his stomach.

----------


## selena

I've called my doctor and she has told me to temporarily slow down the dose, as it might be caused by recent stress.

----------


## Suzi

Glad you called them and got some advice.

----------


## selena

I'm a little bit disappointed with my boss.
She gave me some money on my grandma's funeral (I didn't ask for), told me that this is an aid, then took this amount out from my salary.
She should have told the truth.
I've done much work for her even at lower price or free in the beginning.
I perform medical translations from/into more languages, our translators don't usually provide this service, I'm paid more or less normally only in pair Romanian/English and vice versa.
I don't like her system, my dad asked me to be patient a little.
I'm very tired of all this, her fees are ridiculous.

Serious medical translations (even of average size) into Russian are paid about 20-25 MDL

I'm really waiting for next year.

----------


## Paula

Shes proved time and time again that she cant be trusted, why are you waiting?

----------


## Suzi

I agree with Paula!

----------


## OldMike

Selena you should definitely look for a new job as soon as possible because your present boss is taking advantage of you.

----------


## selena

Here the things have unfortunately taken a bad path again. A year after surgery and my mom has been experiencing again bad symptoms. Tomorrow she is going to be admitted to hospital. Low fever, then high fever, it is really a mess....She was unwilling to see hospital walls again, but...Maybe it's stress following grandma's death (although it was expected due to her age), and her ex colleague's death also due to cancer (but it was discovered at last stage). My head has been exploding since morning...

----------


## Paula

Oh sweetie  :Panda: , Im sorry. Youre in my thoughts and prayer

----------


## Suzi

I'm sorry lovely. Hopefully she'll be in the right place to get better...

----------


## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

----------


## Flo

How is mum today selena. Hope you're looking after yourself too!

----------


## Suzi

How are you love?

----------


## selena

Thank you everybody. I've been sleeping poorly these days, but trying my best to properly take care of everything.

My mom has had a crisis moment today, but now she is felling better. Her doctor considers her condition will improve within a few days.

----------


## Suzi

Does her doctor know what the problem is? Is she still in hospital? What kind of crisis? 
Are you taking care of you hunni?

----------


## selena

I'm a little bit perplexed. It is an acute form of cholangitis, but they should perform one more ultra sound check to exclude possibility of Mt.

----------


## Paula

Its good shes on the mend. Can you see your doctor about your sleep?

----------


## selena

I should find time, but I would sleep better, if she returned at home in good health.

----------


## Paula

I understand that but, in the meantime and given how difficult things have been recently, maybe you should see your doctor anyway ....

----------


## Suzi

I agree with Paula...

----------


## selena

I've seen her today, she had a crisis again, but now is feeling better. Her doctor said there are no Mt, that is the greatest new ever.
But she also developed drug-induced hepatitis due to severe allergy to some medecines. 

She had been given Morphine in the afternoon, later she had some rest and also properly ate.

----------


## Suzi

Glad she's feeling a bit better lovely. Glad she's eaten lovely.. 
Are you taking care of you? x

----------


## selena

Generally yes, I try to eat regularly although I don't have too much appetite.
The main problem is insomnia, I can barely sleep at night.

----------


## Paula

Please, please see your doctor, lovely, if for no other reason than you need your full strength to care for your mum when shes out of hospital ....

----------


## Jaquaia

You're going to be no good to your mum if she comes out of hospital and you're exhausted. You need to be looking after yourself.

----------


## OldMike

I agree with Paula and Jaq you need to look after yourself Selena  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Absolutely go and see your Dr lovely. Insomnia drains you of everything....

----------


## Paula

How are you doing, hunni?

----------


## Flo

Have you been to see the Doctor yet Selena? Are you sleeping any better? :(bear):

----------


## selena

No, because I can barely find some free time , but I'm going to do it anyway. Not too much, but a little better. It's thing to laugh, but even my childhood fears of darkness raised in such a stressful situation. It is such an air of emptiness in the house.
My mom has showed a slow progress, hopefully no fever, but I and she too still have some fears. 
I distract myself at work and if I watch some travelling videos. Otherwise, the most difficult is to return home in the evening where nobody (besides cat) is waiting for me.

----------


## Jaquaia

Can you at least set some time aside before bedtime to try and relax? Maybe a soak in the bath or read a book for a little while? Just something to help you unwind?

----------


## selena

Yes, but then I can wake up in the middle of the night and experience the same discomfort again.

----------


## Suzi

Maybe listen to some music or radio? Then at least then you won't just hear silence?

----------


## selena

Update on my mother's condition: She has been prescribed Phthoruracilum-5 not accidentally. Her doctor wanted at first to protect me probably, but then he told me she developed metastases in liver. When I heard this, my world fell! And this only in a year after surgery and good perspectives.
I found her in a very bad condition with a high fever and problems with breathing. They gave her Tromadol injection again, her veins are so thin, her hands are actually violet because only a man from medical team was able to put her injection! And jaundice, she hasn't eaten for a day cause of nausea. She is afraid that side effects will destroy her and can be horrible due to her partial resection.
I have no words (like many of you too) to express my grief.
I found this medication. Her doctor told me they will try it. The side effects can be harsh, but if there is no choice.
When she found out, she shouted at me and told me that sooner or later all cancer patients die, and she doesn't want additional pain. It is enough to take Morphine and Tramadol and she will be relieved. I tried to calmly explain to her that I love her and want to see her coming out from this hell, to live some time more for me, for us, for her. But she said No, she wants to sign tomorrow that she will not take any drugs that can destroy her, as there is actually no cure. 
The doctor told me life expectancy with metastases is very short.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm so sorry lovely  :Panda:

----------


## Paula

Oh sweetheart, Im so, so sorry. But, love, are you asking her to take this drug, knowing the side effects are horrific, for her benefit or for yours? Its a really tough question, I know, but you need to know 100% what the answer is. Is it possible that its better for her to be pain free rather than cancer free? 

Keep talking to us, hunni, we are here for you  :Panda:  :Panda:  :Panda:

----------


## selena

Well, thanks for support. For both I guess, and want to see her by my side, yes, because I love her. I'm afraid too, feeling like caught in a trap.
I'm just trying to confide in her doctor. 

Maybe so...

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

Take one day at a time lovely. Your mum will need time to come to terms with the news too

----------


## selena

Some days ago (one even a week ago) I had a dream that my teeth have fallen (two of them). It means somtimes to lose someone from family. Then a kind of wedding, also meaning death.

Some years ago I dreamt that I had a daughter and my mum was alive. 

Then the first is true? I'm simply broken, cannot find any peace now.

----------


## Jaquaia

I had a dream about losing my teeth a few months ago and this is what I found...

Losing teeth - anxiety, indicators of life changes, symbol of a new start, intensity of imagery reflects intensity of the anxiety

The images we see in our dreams are often just a visual representation of our deepest worried. Try not to read too much into your dreams lovely, you've got enough to worry about at the moment.

----------


## Paula

I completely agree with Jaq, lovely

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart when my Dad was diagnosed with Mesothelioma he didn't want any treatment like chemo and although it was really hard for us - especially my Mum at least he wasn't in pain and didn't spend time dealing with horrible side effects and could actually spend the last of his days spending time with family and doing things he loved...

----------


## Paula

Sending lots of love and hugs  :Panda:

----------


## selena

More update: a week in hospital. Today she is feeling better, but I'm still scared of jaundice in her eyes. The doctor talked to her about alternative medication I've mentioned before, she got calmer, although hoping to continue improvement wuthout this medication.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:  how are you coping?

----------


## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

----------


## selena

Maybe not in the best way, but I'm more or less fine.

----------


## Suzi

Are you eating? Drinking enough? Taking care of you?

----------


## selena

Please pray for me, for us. Today she has been in horrible condition. She stopped eating again, experiencing nausea, fever, jaundice and weakness. She only felt better when they give her Tromadol or Morphine. At least she can get some rest or sleep. But it breaks my heart to see her in this condition. I only pray that God raises her and gives her some more time with me, I need her so much, love so much and I am just not ready to lose her! She is such an amazing and kind person, doing so much for others without taking anything! I'm just feeling trapped, I'm praying and not praying at once...But she stays faithful to God despite everything. 
Her doctor told me they will undergo another ultra sound tomorrow. And I'll go on Monday to local GP too in order to have the right to buy necessary drugs for her, like Metformin and Tramadol.
I'm feeling so useless, so broken, I'm afraid to lose my mind
and lose everything
That's too much for me
I've taken valium, but it didn't help.
A week ago she told me "What's the date is today?
Many years ago she had a religious revelation
It was Night from 26 to 27
September 27 is a religios holiday in Romania
Then I see why she decided to live lack a monk in a normal society
church, prayers, rules...
Ok
I can get anything
and I'm especially afraid of this night
but if God loves her so much and chose this vocation, why would he want to see me destroyed now?
My prayer is not a prayer of a good person
I'm crying and asking him to hear me
I can be subdued
She told me " You're wise, intelligent, I'll pray for you even in another world. You can get through it"
But I'm mentally vulnerable and suicidal
I'm feeling trapped
She told me try to be stronger, wait for 6 months and then I can sell the apartment and move anywhere
But for now it's unbearable for me
I hope to see her by my side at least 2 months...in fact more and more time
but she should sort out from this
Her doc is also discouraged..

----------


## Paula

Selena, love, my heart hurts for you right now. I dont know how much more time you have but I suspect it could never be enough..... but trust in yourself, you are far, far stronger than you believe, and trust in your faith - God loves you both and He will hold you close  :(bear):

----------


## selena

Thank you for your support, but I cannot stop blaming myself or regreting. Although logically there are no grounds. She used to be stubborn, some of her words could hurt, but deeply inside she was a kind person. She took care of kittens and helped people in need, being involved in one of first philantropic projects in Moldova.
Well, ans she in fact has tried to give me a good education working very hard.

----------


## Jaquaia

I promise you that none of this is your fault. You're in my thoughts  :Panda:

----------


## Paula

Youve devoted your whole life so far to your family. You have nothing to regret

----------


## Suzi

Selena, grief causes people to feel guilty and regretful and the feeling that you should/could have done more and only ever seeing the good in those people.... but hunni I promise you that you have nothing to feel guilty about...  :Panda:  :Panda:

----------


## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

----------


## selena

Today her doctor told me she is scheduled on Monday for a free CT. He said ultrasound failed to show concrete details:it is either a benign bile stricture or metastases and only CT imaging can identify it. I understand that it might be anything, but I'm hoping so much for some good news.
She hasn't been eating for two days, only tasting some soup or fruits. But she asked me to buy her coffee and a sweet. She felt better after it. 
When I came in the morning, I was scared to see her completely yellow! Then she seemed more relaxed. I don't know where she has found forces to go herself to WC. But unfortunately she is able to resist only on Tramadol drugs! Otherwise she is feeling worse and she barely has any forces.
If it's benign, she will be scheduled for surgery, but I cannot imagine how she will resist.
If they don't allow free of charge CT, I shall go to the Institute of Oncology and only after will have to ask for my salary at my boss, because there is no time to lose.

----------


## Paula

I can certainly see where you get your strength from, and vice versa. Selena, are you getting any support from your church?

----------


## selena

Practically nothing. Let's say my mother has always been more practicing than me.

But The Orthodox Church members have never been known for supportive Christian circle unless they refer to members abroad. It's really hard to imagine such a situation in a Christian community, but that is sad truth, that is why many people left the State church.

----------


## Flo

I'll keep my fingers crossed that everything goes well for your mum. And look after yourself too! :Panda:

----------


## selena

Thank you, it's especially hard because we've got to get along really well like we used to be before.

----------


## Suzi

Oh sweetheart you're dealing with so much  :Panda:  :Panda:

----------


## selena

Your support means a lot to me...
Sincerely, I don't know myself how I'm still standing up to all this.
The most difficult time is the evening when I'm invaded by different anxious and maybe distantly suicidal thoughts. Valium helps, although not on permanently basis.

As for my mother, doctor has told me she is probably depressed too, because everything turned very unexpectedly and painful for her.

----------


## Suzi

You are doing brilliantly lovely..

----------


## selena

I hope this horrible situation will clarify soon and then I'll restart my treatment again.

----------


## Jaquaia

What do you mean restart your treatment?

----------


## selena

First CBT (then medicines prescribed by neurologist) and then new tests for endo.

----------


## Jaquaia

You need to be looking after yourself! At the very least taking any medication you've been prescribed

----------


## Suzi

I agree with Jaq - you have to be taking your meds to take care of you, because if you don't then you won't be able to look after your Mum..

----------


## OldMike

I agree with Jaq and Suzi, Selena you need to look after yourself, I know it is difficult but you must take care of yourself.  :Panda:

----------


## selena

Today she has asked me to bring some food. She had appetite after not eating nearly all in two (or even three) days! 
She has been experiencing so far a lot of weakness anyway.

I cannot wait until tomorrow when we finally find out the truth.

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## Paula

Thats positive that shes eating. Ill be thinking of you tomorrow, lovely

----------


## Suzi

Completely agree with Paula x Will be thinking of you x

----------


## selena

I'm so afraid of possibility of hepatic metastases ...because in such a case there is a very little hope.

----------


## Suzi

You are worrying about something that hasn't happened yet.... If at all. Sweetheart it's easy to think "what if...." but you need to think about you too....

----------


## selena

Unfortunately, there isn't much good news. My dear mother is too weak to survive surgery, her Hb level is extremely and she cannot survive a day without Tramadol or Morphine. At least, she more or less has a very little but appetite. It's hard to see her like this and despite her surgeon's experience, I have some doubts too. Now she is being given plasma and blood transfusions are supposed during surgery too, but surgery will be scheduled only when her condition improves at least a little.

----------


## Jaquaia

:Panda:

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## Paula

Sweetheart, Im so sorry  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Sorry to hear this lovely...

----------


## OldMike

:Panda:   :Panda:   :Panda:

----------


## Paula

How are things, lovely?

----------


## selena

She has been given blood transfusion. 
Her doctor told me he will probably take final decision tomorrow.

She is feeling slightly better, but she cannot survive a day without Tromadol or similar painkiller drug. But she hopes surgery will sort out the problems.

----------


## Suzi

Does she have an actual diagnosis atm?

----------


## selena

She will have ultra sound exam again.
But I doubt it will clear up the situation, because it is not MRI or CT.

----------


## Suzi

Is her pain under control in the hospital?

----------


## selena

Yes, the doctor comes himself with medications.

----------


## Suzi

Glad the pain is under control. That's the kindest thing no matter what the diagnosis. 
Are you eating and drinking OK?

----------


## selena

I'll try to keep it right.

----------


## Suzi

Do you have any support lovely?

----------


## selena

I'm feeling messed up at this moment.

A brief summary for those who are not aware about my mom's story: she was admitted with sepsis in March 2017, Whipple succesful surgery in August 2018 and Cholangocarcinoma confirmed, then a rather stable and fine condition with apparently insignificant episodes of pain, although more some more weakness in May. But in a week after my grandma's funeral (September 18) she had pains in abdominal region, called emergency service, these pains were similar to heart pains, but EKG confirmed it is unrelated.
Results of tests from mid October showed very high levels of ALT and AST! Bilirubin also increased to a certain level and normal Hemoglobin.
She has been in hospital since October 17 and situation still unclear and I would say rather critical. in my country, there are 1-2 specialists specialized in this type of cancer (more or less). She has also experienced coughing, but has no pneumonia. Ultra sound did not show much either. She had blood transfusions. She had a very bad jaundice, now from one side it's better, but she has been going through much pain. She trusts doctor and wants surgery to see if it's biliary stricture. I doubt it. Her doctor told me at beginning that's liver metastases, then he told me about stricture. She has been on Tromadol and/or Morphin for a week. She's crying of pain in some moments. Surgery was postponed several times, anesthetiologist told he has concerns about her current Hemoglobin level and that heart may not resist. I would prefer CT if she feels better, but she is waiting for surgery. Her doctor is nervous. Maybe it will be better just to take her home (or hospice) and leave it up? I mean I'm completely for CT or MRI, but I'm afraid I can lose her in this way soon.I'm discouraged at this moment.

I'm going through all this pretty much alone, but there are people who sincerely ready to give me some help and there are also more blood donors.

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## Suzi

Massive hugs sweetheart. All you can do is talk to the Drs and talk to the nurses and see what say and what they advice. Tramadol and morphine should be keeping the pain at bay, but only if they are taken well... 
What is the Dr suggesting?

----------


## selena

Dr. is waiting for her condition's improvement, more significant ...in order to finally be ready for surgery.

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## selena

I want to say that your support, as well as that of other people around means a lot to me.

A girl who worked in the same company only in summer time called me and told me all her family prays for me and my mother, and if I need something, they are ready to help.
It's really touching.

----------


## Paula

Youre a lovely person, theyre offering help because they care about you and know youd do the same if things were reversed.

----------


## Suzi

It is lovely and humbling when people offer to help when things are tough. Huge hugs lovely xx

----------


## Flo

There are some lovely people around Selena. There is a lot of power in lots of people praying for you both!....I'll pop in a prayer for you too! :(bear):

----------


## selena

Thank you everybody for your kind words and support.

It seems God heard my prayer and my instinct about surgery seemed to be right.

Yes, she is definitely feeling better after blood perfusions, but very weak too and still getting a painkiller per day (Morphin). 

The anesthesiologist told that she is too weak and might not be able to survive because of general weak condition and heart problems. They want to send her home for 1-2 days and then pass CT scan. 
CT scan will show anything, as general situation is still unclear.

----------


## Suzi

How do you feel about her being sent home? I assume that they will have prescribed morphine for her to take at home too?

----------


## selena

I'm happy, but...We have decided to do it differently. I will take her on taxi to a private medical centre for CT, so that everything becomes clear, otherwise we are trapped in "nowhere" road.

We'll discuss everything in detail with her doctor. Her doctor gives her Morphin, but being home it shall be different-I must have the authorization of the Institute of Oncology. Otherwise it's hardly possible to change something -without MT detection.

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like a plan. I hope it tells you everything you need to know...

----------


## Paula

Morning, lovely, how are you?

----------


## selena

Not so fine, probably high cortisol due to late stress.

I'm praying only that we'll sort it out by next week...as soon as  possible, as it's extremely hard for both of us.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  Are you doing anything nice today to rest a bit?

----------


## selena

I've returned earlier from hospital (because it's Sunday) and maybe I've got some more rest than usually. Just because I haven't been working today.

----------


## Suzi

Visiting someone and worrying about them is exhausting hunni. You need to be spending some time a day on you - eating sensibly, resting, showering, getting some exercise if you can....

----------

OldMike (04-11-18)

----------


## selena

My mother underwent MRI exam and is unfortunately still in harsh condition. 1) Multiple liver lesions (hopefully benign at least) of cluster type with central necrosis, oedema too 2) some dilatation of biliary duct, but detection of purulent (probably) tissue dead fragments there, common biliary duct obstructive process, maybe necrotic detritus; thus fever is understandable and jaundice too 3)bilateral lung pleurisy , I was thinking why she is coughing and they were unable to detect it in hospital through X-ray. She will undergo surgery asap despite difficulties, because we have no choice. Thank you for support and prayers please.

I'm ok, but very tired and having constant headaches.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:  you are, of course, in my thoughts and prayers. I hope the surgery helps her feel more comfortable than she is at the moment xx

----------


## Suzi

Are you eating and drinking properly lovely? That could set off headaches - as can hospital lighting and stress of course...

----------


## selena

I think more or less yes, at least I'm trying...

----------


## Suzi

Selena, have you been drinking and eating today? Yesterday?

----------


## selena

My mom and other people also reminded me about it today. Well, I think today I've managed to do it more or less.

As far as it concerns the company, my boss (although she at last agrees with my replies) and others try to put all the work on me. I refused several times, when I considerate it difficult and/or inappropraie, as I'm not feelin quite well.

----------


## Paula

Are you doing any work? Not that I would be in your shoes but Im wondering if it might distract you a bit?

----------


## Suzi

Would you try to keep a diary of what you are eating and drinking and when? It's just the last few times we've asked you about it, your answers seem really vague... 
In what way are you not feeling well? Could it be due to not eating properly etc? Do you need to see a Dr as it's been going on a while now?

----------


## selena

That is a good idea about diary, thank you. Thus I'll be trying better.
I think all my health issues are related to recent stress.

Today even one of my long-term customers brought me some food again so that I don't forget for sure.

My mother had her third surgery this morning, doctor told me her general condition is more or less fine.

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## Paula

Another step got through. Big hugs, lovely  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Glad the surgery went well x

----------


## selena

I haven't had yet an opportunity to see her. Because she is still in ICU, the last two times she stayed there for 3-5 days.

8 people donated blood for her and even the others tried to be supportive. I'm ashamed because of my inability due to mental issues to grow up a good friendship relation, as I often feel the need to stay apart.

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## Paula

Youve built up a good friendship circle on DWD, lovely, so you are able to do it, and well

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## Suzi

You have nothing to be ashamed of, you've made and maintained a good group of friends through here lovely....

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## selena

Yes, and I'm actually so glad and proud to have such friends as on dwd.

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## Paula

Morning, lovely, I hope mums improved a bit overnight  :Panda:

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## Suzi

> Yes, and I'm actually so glad and proud to have such friends as on dwd.


We're glad and proud to have you too lovely. You are so much more awesome than you think you are.

----------

selena (09-11-18)

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## selena

Thank you.

I haven't see her yet. But a doctor told me today she has showed so far a slow progress.

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## Paula

But still progress?  I wish I could reach through my screen and give you a huge hug but thisll have to do  :Panda:

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selena (09-11-18)

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## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

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## Suzi

Progress is good, no matter how slow or fast hunni x Sending much love

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## selena

I've seen her today for first time.

She is still very weak and skinnier, but started eating and is encouraged by her doctor in the path to her recovery.

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## Jaquaia

And what about you? Are you eating and drinking?

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## selena

Yes, a few days ago I've drawn up a list what to do per hour.

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## Paula

Im so glad shes recovering. Are there any test results youre waiting for?

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## selena

Not yet.

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## Suzi

Sorry, I'm a bit confused. What was the surgery for? 
Are you eating every day? Are you drinking properly and taking your meds? Are you resting at all?

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## selena

It was tumor recurrence in the bile duct, bile duct stricture had been blocked because of tumor. They removed it and sent for biopsy, now waiting for biopsy results. Also recurrence of many liver lesions just in a year following surgery. She is feeling very weak and depressed, now following a post-surgery tretment based on antiobiotics and other drugs. But no pinkiller drugs...we do hope she won't need them them, although surgery wounds still hurt because it's too early for recovery. We are both waiting for treatment to be finished and finally coming home.
I ate properly last 2-3 days and got definitely some rest on week-end. I'm going to write a request for a holiday. If my boss doesn't accept, I'll just resign. But I think she will agree.
I've taking only valium, but I'm referred to some specialists due supposed holiday period.

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## Suzi

She's not having any pain relief? 
What about you taking your metformin? Sweetheart if you've only eaten properly the last couple of days then you're going to make yourself ill love. Please, please, please eat properly.

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## selena

She does, but it hurts at movements...it was at the beginning after prior surgeries too. 
I'll come back to metformin soon.

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## Jaquaia

Selena! You need to look after yourself! You're eating so why aren't you taking your meds??

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## Suzi

Why aren't you taking your meds? Selena, if you don't look after you then you can't look after her!

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## selena

It was doctor's recommendation following pancreas pains and that I'm expected to undergo some tests first.

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## Suzi

OK, as long a it's with your Dr saying so...

----------


## selena

I think I'll definitely look for professional help, as this time it's the toughest and it's like I lost a part of my world or mind, a strange feeling, maybe it's natural after first shock.

----------


## Paula

I hope you do, sweetheart. You deserve help

----------


## selena

Has anyone here taken Alprozolam?

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## Suzi

I've known people who were... Why do you ask? Are you being prescribed it? Who is prescribing it?

----------


## selena

It's prescribed by neurologist (in my place it's common), but what is its effect generally?

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## Suzi

Here it's more commonly known as Xanax. It's a benzodiazepine - like diazepam. A mild sedative used for anxiety and panic disorders mostly.... It's not one that most would prescribe here as a regular long term medication for that kind of thing. 
It can also be prescribed with chemotherapy to help with the nausea.

----------


## selena

I've been experiencing so strange feelings after all this shock, like it's something irreversible, like me is not me. Not sure how to explain it, lost, confused and exhausted to a certain extent.

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## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Are you eating and drinking properly? Taking your meds properly? Getting enough rest? 
Is your Mum still in hospital? 
What are you confused about lovely?

----------


## selena

She is scheduled to be released tomorrow.
Confused about everything, I mean it seems I'm still not exactly mentally fit although the first shock passed.

My boss is unwilling to give me a free week, although we've discussed it before and agreed.

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm so sorry things are so tough for you at the moment. I think such a shock is going to upset your mental fitness some and coping with worry and exhaustion. It will run you a bit flat never mind trying to sort out work as well.  :Panda:

----------

selena (15-11-18)

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart what kind of support are you going to have when she comes out of hospital?

----------


## selena

Just maybe some of her friends around can help, but I doubt she will accept it easily.

----------


## Paula

How are you going to cope with caring for her and work?

----------


## selena

For this I've asked for holiday, actually it is my legal holiday, just now she doesn't want to keep her promise. One more employee has left the company by the way.

----------


## selena

I would also like to point out something about my regrets.

----------


## Paula

What regrets?

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## Suzi

Take the week lovely - what's the worst she can do? 
What regrets do you have?

----------


## selena

I think I'm simply not recovered yet after shock.

But there is some good news too.
I was given a week vacation by my boss. And mom is back home.

But I've got or nearly in hysterics at hospital. We were waiting for taxi, but it was already too long and bad weather outside...
A doctor suggested to call at the first floor at the Reception sector. When I approached and asked her, she replied that they are not taxi service. I replied that that's  a rude reply, I was referred and I shouted that I would file a complaint with their attitude. She then replied that this information is wrong an asked about mom's condition.
I usually behave delicately, but she was first to reply in a very rude way. Then another medical assistant asked me kindly what sector we are to go.

Well, I usually keep my emotions hidden and I'm a bit ashamed of this outburst, but she provoked me.

Well, we got home anyway after a harsh day...

----------


## Paula

Dont be ashamed, lovely, youve had to deal with a lot of awfulness and you or your mum dont deserve to have someone who is supposed to help you, be rude and unhelpful

----------

selena (17-11-18)

----------


## Strugglingmum

So glad you got your mummy home. Hopefully the 2 of you can take it easy for the next week and rest. X

----------

selena (17-11-18)

----------


## Suzi

How are you now lovely? Are you able to take it easy this weekend with your Mum?

----------


## selena

She is still weak, but rather fine.

----------


## Suzi

Glad she is home and is doing ok lovely...

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## selena

Neurologist prescribed me today Mexazolam for 20 days.

It's very difficult with my boss, but my mum is against my decision to resign.She asked to wait a little at least until we'll pay credit (and this until May!).
This unhealthy atmosphere is hard for my mental condition first of all.
I'm really messed up about any possibilities, even Latvia.My mom thanked me again for doing so much for her but that's normal.

----------


## Suzi

Why have they prescribed that for 20 days? 
So your Mum wants you to stay with your boss even though it's making you ill?

----------


## selena

She thinks the symptoms might get milder within this period.

She wants me to wait, being anxious about stability and our future.

----------


## Suzi

It's worth trying love...

----------


## selena

I'm facing a dilemma, I want to be a freelancer, I'm being fed up with my boss sh..., even with some customers, with translations at night.

Just have to convince my mother...

----------


## OldMike

Selena if you feel confident about freelance work then go for it you're an excellent translator but if you go it alone how will get work to translate? Will you rely on the contacts you've already established to provide you with work or will you advertise in the press etc.

----------


## Paula

Selena, its your decision. Its your life and your career

----------


## Suzi

> I'm facing a dilemma, I want to be a freelancer, I'm being fed up with my boss sh..., even with some customers, with translations at night.
> 
> Just have to convince my mother...


Can I be rude? I don't mean to be, but I think blunt is probably better... 
Our eldest is almost 18. He's been looking at universities and courses. He has chosen that after his A Levels this summer he is wanting to go to a uni on the other side of the country to do an amazing sounding law course. Both of these are HIS choices as it's his life. 
My daughter is almost 15. Last term at school she had to pick what options she wanted to take for her GCSE exams in 2 years time. Marc and I guided her, but it's her life and her decision. We chose to let her do the things she loves to do.... 
Our youngest isn't sure what languages or sciences she wants to do. She's heavily dyslexic and her spelling in English is appalling, however she is excelling in French and Spanish and all 3 sciences and art. What options she picks are HER choice. It's HER life. 

Do you see where I'm getting at? My Mum insisted I took Business Studies A Level. I hated it. Every second of it. I did brilliantly in it, but hated it. I would have rathered done something different... I will never make my children take something if they don't want to (unless it's compulsory lol)

It's a sad fact, but your Mum isn't always going to be here and do you really want to be tied to a job you hate and is making you ill when you have so many hopes and dreams of travel and freelance and being your own boss? You will never be as young as you are right here, right now. Do whatever YOU want. Do NOT live your life for her.

----------

Jaquaia (24-11-18),OldMike (27-11-18),selena (30-11-18),Strugglingmum (27-11-18)

----------


## OldMike

One word to what Suzi posted - AMEN

I couldn't have put it better, you can guide your children but NEVER push them in a direction they don't want to go.

You can't live someone else's life they're taken so just live your own.

Either work for a different company or set out on your own either way don't stay in a job where you're so badly treated.

Life ain't easy for any of us, you're a talented translator Selena so go for it.  :Panda:

----------

selena (30-11-18),Strugglingmum (27-11-18),Suzi (27-11-18)

----------


## selena

Thank you everybody. 
I should definitely go.
She has become dangerous. Especially two last incidents proved it.

Yesterday a man came to her office for translation services, he was from Israel.He shouted at her that she hadn't done her services properly. A translator from my company did it.
Generally, she is good at her job.
But this man came and asked for stamp of sworn translator, because the girl is not sworn.
This man was very nervous and he seemed crazy too.
She asked me to put my stamp and sign like I had done it. I replied instead that I should check it carefully first and refused-NO. He didn't want to wait for proper check
and I refused. She shouted, called me all names, jumped.

A colleague of mine, also sworn translator of English and Romanian, just like me, a good translator who worked nights too. She became sworn this spring, also pair English-Romanian.

We had been recognized as specialists able to translate into English and to present a clear message of Romanian text.

Well, she decided to leave after New Year, because she cannot tolerate it anymore.
She has told me today she cannot imagine how I still survive in this chaos.
She came to my boss yesterday with a statement that she wants to leave.
My boss threatened her and said she would not let anyone sworn go in that simple way, because we will regret. 
But she can let her go if she resigns forever and never works as a translator in Moldova.

She has no right because she didn't give us this right, but the Ministry of Justice. 
Now the girl has told me she wants to leave in 2 weeks.
She told me other translator who left the company, had also been threatened
I asked how she thinks to sort it out.
The girl said she would go to Labor Inspection and to Police and will record everything if necessary.

My boss has become crazy and dangerous.
Now I think what to do next.

Also: one of managers treated badly my customer (this lady has mental problems due to her). They shouted at her and she was mocked. My boss has began to call people "idiots, carrots, Aspergers".

If I have mental problems, this has nothing to do with her, and that does not make a nothing.

Sorry for any mistakes.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:  so, does that mean youve resigned? How much longer can you last in that toxic environment, lovely?

----------


## OldMike

You really need to to resign Selena you can't possibly work under such conditions  :(bear):   :Panda:

----------


## selena

I would have gone yesterday, if not my mother.

I don't know how to escape from this witch.

I have suicidal thoughts.

----------


## Suzi

Selena, I don't know how we can make you see that you have to leave. If you are having suicidal thoughts then you have to do something about it. You HAVE to get help from the psch/mental health team and you have to leave....

----------


## selena

Thank you for your support.

It will be hard to find an official new job before New Year, but I can definitely look up (although have a little time).

Just might God give me strength because it has become impossible.

----------


## selena

I would also like to share some of my feelings, inner battle.

I'm feeling sometimes lower in comparison with others because of my mental problems, of this strugle (not related to my work problems). Like I'm feeling guily because I'm unable to be like average persons and to overcome these horrible thoughts.

----------


## Paula

1 in every 4 people suffer with mental health issues in their lifetime. That sounds pretty average to me ...

----------


## selena

I've mostly meant bipolar disorder, suicidal thoughts etc.
That is true, but in my country unfortunately there is still a stigma related to mental health disorders. Although there have been some good changes in this aspect too.

----------


## Suzi

But Selena, you can get help with your health issues and if you stick to the medication and eating properly and getting some exercise you can have a perfectly "normal" life. You seem to allow your diagnoses to weigh you down and become who you are. They aren't. You are so lovely and such an awesome person. Just be kind to you..

----------

OldMike (02-12-18),selena (02-12-18)

----------


## Jaquaia

Have you actually been diagnosed as having bipolar?

----------


## selena

It was one of the doctors' I've seen theory.
He suspected it, but I needed more exams.

I want to sort out anything, just don't know how. Mental health assistance here is rather expensive or I need to wait longer.
Now I'm trying to find a new job with more or less normal salary.

On the good side, I've bought today two nice bra sets.

----------


## Jaquaia

Then don't assume you have it until you have it officially diagnosed by a specialist. You've had a really tough year, it's perfectly normal to be up and down with everything you've gone through.

----------

selena (02-12-18)

----------


## Paula

I think mental health assistance across the world takes forever unless you can pay - where I live even the self referral IAPT waiting list for treatment is months. Selena, you have to see your doctor. 

Ftr, my official diagnosis is bipolar disorder with anxiety. I dont think Im bipolar but ultimately the diagnosis is irrelevant to me, its the treatment that matters

----------


## Suzi

I completely agree with the others.. Don't self diagnose!

----------


## Paula

Hey sweetheart, how are you doing? Hows your mum?

----------


## Suzi

I've been wondering the same thing

----------


## selena

Thank you for caring.

Pretty the same, I didn't find another well-paid job yet. The only good thing is that my boss slowed down her pressure. I just told her directly I am ready to resign.

My mum is still weak, but is feeling better.

I'm eager to restart my CBT sessions, as I'm very depressed and anxious, although I've been trying to hide this before other people.

----------


## Suzi

Why are you trying to hide how you are feeling? 

Does your Mum have a diagnoses? Is she still being seen by the drs?

----------


## selena

She has not undergone any new tests so far, cancer tumor was removed, but she still faces some problems even with walking. Yes, she can apply any time to doctors.
She is monitored.

I think too many bad things occurred too quickly, for example I didn't even have time to grieve my grandma's death.

----------


## Paula

Youve absolutely had far too many horrible things happen in a very short space of time. How are you coping with work, looking after mum and having responsibility for keeping your home going?

----------


## Suzi

I completely agree. You haven't had time to deal with anything before you've been hit with something else horrible..

----------


## selena

Yes, this definitely had an impact, I think I haven't regained yet all my inner forces back.

It is hard, and I've been struggling these days with bad headaches. Sometimes I'm just willing to fade away, althout it's irresponsible of me, I'm simply feeling very down now and worn out.

----------


## Suzi

Are you eating and drinking properly? Taking your meds properly?

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## selena

Sincerely not enough, now trying to do my best.

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## Paula

You need fuel to keep you going, love. But I know you know that

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## Suzi

Sweetheart you've been saying that for ages, you HAVE to look after you. You can't look after anyone else if you aren't fit and well - or as well as you can be. Trust me, I know....

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## selena

Going to a work party again and again that unpleasant feeling to join this event.

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## Paula

I hope youre able to enjoy it

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## Suzi

I hope you have a lovely time...

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## selena

I've had some good moments with my colleagues, although my boss was as usually pretty fake, but I appreciate those moments.

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## Suzi

Glad you had some good times lovely!

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## selena

Not a day goes by without thinking about your support, otherwise it would have been much harder for me to survive.

Because of many circumstances, and I should pretend to be in good mood at home.

We've had some photos from the party. No, my mom didn't mentin anything about "deformed", but still that I'm not looking exactly healthy, being anyway over weight. But, as for me, I think I should be proud of what I'm. 
Yes, I'm not ideal, but even perfect women without consequences of illness have failed in love. So, the most important is to care about myself, my health, the things not always easy.

As for my failures, especially recent ones on dating sites, I've just decided to take a break from dating for a while.

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## Paula

I knew a couple a while back. He was skinny while she was seriously overweight. She talked about losing weight but he discouraged her - saying he loved her just the way she was. While maybe not a healthy approach, it showed me that loving someone has absolutely nothing to do with weight, the size of your nose, the length of your hair (Si has always preferred mine short despite every other partner he had having long hair) or any other aspect of your appearance.

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selena (27-12-18)

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## selena

That is true too, like my mom now thinks that too skinny is a nightmare too.

Well, I've tried to focus on positive features beyond physical ones, and in this way I managed to switch on from other topics.

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## Suzi

Marc has known me at my smallest and my largest. He's known me in better health and in rubbish health. Sweetheart you have to find a way to get through this. You aren't built like a size zero supermodel and that's good! Be you!

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selena (27-12-18)

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## magie06

Selena, we have a cosmetics company here called the Body shop, and one year their Christmas posters bore the slogan - there is only 4% of the population built like supermodels, be yourself! It has always stayed with me. Be yourself, you are the only one of you in the whole world.

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Jaquaia (27-12-18),selena (27-12-18),Suzi (27-12-18)

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## Suzi

That's an awesome poster campaign!

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## selena

I've been at CBT session and feeling very relaxed.

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## Paula

Thats great to hear  :):

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## Suzi

That's great! Are you going every week?

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## selena

Unfortunately not. But hope I'll sort it out.

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## Suzi

Oh no why not? When are you going next?

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## selena

Wishing everybody on DWD Happy New Year!

All of you are very very special to me, the people I've met here showed me empathy and love, encouraged me in my daily struggle and literally to mentally survive.

Hope a calm and lucky year for everybody! 
Hope one day meeting you!

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## Suzi

The same to you lovely x

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selena (30-12-18)

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## Paula

Hope the coming year is better than the last for you, hunni

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selena (30-12-18)

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## selena

Do you think a man can accept me as I am (from mental and psychological point of view)?

I mean a depressed woman.

A female colleague's words hurt me (although there was no hint about me). That men like smiling, dancing and jumping women, others cannot make them interested.

But I'm as I'm, not permanently jumping, smiling etc. I cannot fake to catch someone's attention.

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## Suzi

Selena, I don't wish to be rude, but you seem to think that there are lists of reasons why someone wouldn't be with you - you've never stopped to say about what what you want in a person. 
There is no reason at all that someone wouldn't want to be with you. Stop making excuses and do things that mean that you will be able to get and meet real men! Join a choir or a gym or a chess group or whatever, just stop hiding away. Stop listening to all the rubbish and horrible things that those around you say and get out and live... Do something different from work and beat yourself up!

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## Jaquaia

To be just as blunt as Suzi, what your colleague said is a load of bull :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: . Look at how strong Paula's relationship is with her husband, he accepts and loves her for everything that she is. Look at how strong Suzi's relationship is, her and Marc accept each other completely and support each other no matter what. I've lost count of the number of times that J has held me while I cried or just sat talking me through a meltdown over the phone. He knows that I'm a little bit broken and he just tells me that he's a model-maker and he has plenty of glue to help put me back together. He loves me for exactly who I am, the same as Si loves Paula, the same as Marc and Suzi love each other through all of their health problems. True love sees past all of that, it sees the person you are. But how is anyone gojng to see who you are if you hide yourself away???

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Paula (06-01-19),Suzi (07-01-19)

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## Paula

How are you, lovely?

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## selena

I'm fine, thanks. Your points are perfectly right and make sense.

I'm just feeling trapped at the moment, living in permanent fear regarding my mom's condition.

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## Suzi

Sweetheart you can't live your life worried about your Mum's health suffocating you.

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## selena

Just wanted to say I'm feeling better, although the whole psychological recovering process is not easy at all.

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## Paula

Whats been happening with psych stuff? And hows your mum?

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## selena

I'm still waiting for free counselling. My mom has not always followed doctor's prescriptions, but thank God, she is fine.

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## Suzi

Why isn't she following the doctors prescriptions? 
Are you getting out and about and meeting other people?

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## Strugglingmum

Hi Selena. 
It's good to hear from you again. 
I'm glad both you and your mum are feeling better, last year was certainly a huge struggle for both of you.
I guess like all of us it's going to take time to heal psychologically. Hope you get your counselling soon. 
Meantime  I hope you are able to get a bit of you time to go out enjoy people and spend time with people who make you laugh.  :(bear):

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selena (03-02-19)

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## selena

She is generally following, but she is very obstinate. 
I cannot say that I'm getting out often this time of year, because the weather is horrible. 

BUT I've made a few local friends or strengthened the old acquaintances I've made. These people had been rather nice and try to contact me, if I'm absent. They know so little about me anyway. 

And hoping to have a nice holiday in summer and to find a new normal job too.

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## Paula

Im so pleased youre getting to know some more local friends - I think its so important to be able to get out and meet people face to face

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## selena

These are mainly the people related to my work -either customers or ex colleagues.

I hope for a mini-holiday or a city break. It will be either Tunisia (if there is a special promotion and my friends agree to go there too). 
Maybe Latvia so that I can see my dad (but that is unknown yet). I've been also thinking about London or Rome citybreak.

But all these are dreams...because there is some time until summer and it depends on my mom's condition too.

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## Suzi

So glad you are making friends and going out! 
Why Tunisia? Is it somewhere you particularly want to go? 
I'm sure that you will come up with something fabulous!

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## selena

I wanted to go there some time ago, but this travel agency called me and told me they have special offer for this year.

Nothing is known yet.

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## Suzi

That sounds cool!

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## selena

If I go to visit my dad, then I will be maybe able to take a short city break to London or Edinburgh. 

Then I will be happy to meet you. Hoping anyway to meet you one day in real life, the people who have never judged me and accepted me as I am.

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## Suzi

That would be lovely!

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## selena

If you feel very frustrated, how do you manage to take more or less appropriate decision?

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## Jaquaia

That all depends on the decision. Why don't you talk it through with us lovely?

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## selena

I'll put it down, just having felt depressed these days and my thoughts have been a little bit messed up.

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## Jaquaia

You can always come and talk to us

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## Paula

What decision, hunni?

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## Suzi

What thoughts love?

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## selena

I've had a misunderstanding with my dad. He had promised before that I could come in Latvia in summer and find a job. Now he has told that his mother doesn't want anyone in their house, neither his girlfriend, nor me...regardless of the person.
I'm feeling betrayed and don't really want to visit them.

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## Paula

Oh, it sounds like he didnt discuss this with his mother beforehand. My husband is good at doing those sort of things ..... do you know your grandmother well?

Could you stay somewhere near to them?

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## selena

I don't know yet, but that's a good idea, Paula. I could suggest something, but thank God I have not applied yet and have not paid the air tickets that are rather expensive.

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## Suzi

I'd also suggest staying somewhere near, rather than staying with them.

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## selena

I'm still a little bit frustrated and deeply depressed. I think all this due to the events I have passed through recently, the imminent smell of death...But also harsh work schedule (although my boss calmed down for now), and the fact that I'm losing slowly weight and cannot really accept myself.

On the good side, I've came across a psychoterapist in the same building I'm working in. Well, they are private, but I might consider it anyway (some sessions) because the waiting seems infinite here. I've even briefly talked to her, but they use "psychodrama" method, do you know something about it? What are your thoughts?

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## Paula

Id not heard of psychodrama, tbh, but in principle it sounds interesting. Are they accredited? 

You have been through a lot recently, hunni, and I really believe you need professional help. Please, please find that help

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## Suzi

In what way can't you accept yourself? It's good you're losing weight if you are trying to...
I think that psychotherapy can be really helpful.. It's like every therapy though, some works for some and not for others.... I would definitely suggest giving it a go!

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## selena

I'll try to find out more and sort it out. And yes, they are certified specialists.

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Paula (15-02-19)

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## Suzi

You won't know if it works for you unless you give it a go!

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## selena

I have not decided yet where to go in June, but I'm considering going to London in June for a city break.
I shall be very grateful for any suggestions to make it easier and where to stay in order to be safe.

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## Jaquaia

A lot will depend on budget, how long you're staying for and your interests/what you want to see.

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## selena

Then I guess there is still time for me to decide until April-May. It will be anyway a very short stay, because I have some other duties, but summer I think is one of the best periods.

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## Jaquaia

London is a massive city. Start doing some research now, things to do/see etc and start writing a list of things that interest you. Once you have a list it will be easier to work out a budget and narrow down somewhere to stay.

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selena (16-02-19)

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## Paula

> London is a massive city. Start doing some research now, things to do/see etc and start writing a list of things that interest you. Once you have a list it will be easier to work out a budget and narrow down somewhere to stay.


That made me giggle. See, Im fairly close to London and never saw it as that big - but then most of my family lived in different parts of London so Im used to it.

I will say this, Selena, although there are certain areas to avoid, Ive never felt unsafe there. It is, however, very expensive .....

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## selena

Yes, that is why I thought about a city break. If I go to Latvia and stop just for a very short time in London.

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## Jaquaia

> That made me giggle. See, I’m fairly close to London and never saw it as that big - but then most of my family lived in different parts of London so I’m used to it.
> 
> I will say this, Selena, although there are certain areas to avoid, I’ve never felt unsafe there. It is, however, very expensive .....


It's huge to me! You can drive from one side of Hull to the other within half an hour, unless traffic is horrendous!

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## Suzi

I used to live in various parts of London and don't see it as big either!  :(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

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## Jaquaia

I've noticed you sign in a few times Selena but never talk. How are you doing lovely?

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## Suzi

I was wondering how you are doing too.... This is a safe space lovely, we're your friends. Talk to us...But maybe at around 210 pages you might like to start a new thread?

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## selena

Thank you for caring, I've been through a mixture of happier and sadder moments.

The situation has calmed down so far at work. I wanted many timesto put down a few things here, probably was just too tired and confused.

Yes, it will be nice to open a new thread.

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Paula (01-03-19)

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## selena

Can you please name my new thread "Selena on the Way to Wonderland" (just want to keep on positive!)?

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## Jaquaia

Just start a new thread lovely and one of us will lock this one once you have.

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selena (01-03-19)

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## selena

I'll take occasionally a look at the old too, because there is a lot of memories in it.

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## Jaquaia

It will still be here, just locked so no one can post on it  :):

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## Suzi

As Jaq has said, no one will take this one away, just have a fresh and new one. It's good to do that now and again, like starting a new chapter... I'll lock this for you now, so you can start on your new one!

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