# Help and Advice > Coping with Depression >  Venturing out of the dark *TRIGGERS*

## Jaquaia

I'm going to try and stop hiding in the darkest corners of the forum as it's not fair that my support comes from so few people. So this is me taking the first step.

I feel strange today. Last night I felt like I was bouncing off the walls, and that showed I think, in a group convo I was having last night. I was the life and soul and I am never the life and soul of anything. I've had about 6 hours sleep, and although it's taken me a little while to get going, I feel like I have loads of energy, I can't sit still. I'm extremely irritable and I'm getting irritated because my fingers aren't working fast enough to type this. My thoughts are racing and feel all disjointed. 

It's such a strange feeling

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## S deleted

Woohoo, welcome to the outside world. You sound like me on a caffeine rush lol. Don't really have an answer but try to put the energy to good use.

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## Jaquaia

I just feel really jittery. I don't like it. It feels like I'm wound so tight and the smallest thing could make me snap.

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## S deleted

I know what you mean. It's times like that I am glad I live alone so no one to annoy me and no one for me to snap at.

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## Jaquaia

I have no idea how I manage not to snap some days.

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## Paula

It's so good to see you out here  :): . 

Where are you with your meds at the mo?

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## Jaquaia

I'm on day 5 now

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## OldMike

It's almost like a manic episode you're experiencing Jaq.

I've not had a problem with racing thoughts though I've experienced disjointed thoughts in the past and found that most disconcerting.

It's is good you're posting your thoughts Jaq, I've probably missed it but it looks like you're doing some med changes (I got that idea from a couple of previous posts). If that is the case it could be causing what you're experiencing at the moment and maybe you just have to ride out the storm.

Take care Jaq  :(bear):   :Panda:

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## BookNerd

What medication are you on?

As for the jittering, I read somewhere it's due to excess adrenaline coursing through your body. They suggest going outside for a brisk walk or a run, which can be too much for me since I have low mood as well. I'm a beginner at yoga (I only started 3-4 weeks ago at the insistence of my husband so that I don't continually keep myself in the house) but googled some beginner positions that may relieve anxiety and even 5-10 minutes of trying to hold 3 basic poses relieved me of the jittery/shaking feeling and the heart pounding. Might work for you too? I was actually quite surprised it worked to be honest, but I was desperate at that point!

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## Angie

Good to see you out here hunni x

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## Jaquaia

I've been posting in the dark, dusty corners of the forum Mike (really Suzi! Those cobwebs are getting ridiculous now!) so you will have missed it. I've just come off escitalopram and am on day 5 of paroxetine. It's kind of my last resort as the doctors insist that there is nothing else they can give me if these don't work. Not good when things have been pretty bad.

Booknerd, it feels so different to anxiety. The only way I can manage it is to keep busy, with anxiety I can't.

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OldMike (18-07-17)

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## magie06

Hi Jaquaia, welcome to the big wide world. It's really not that scary and we are gentle lot.  :(rofl):

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## Jaquaia

:(giggle):

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## Paula

I'm just wondering if a mood stabiliser is worth asking your dr about .....

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## Jaquaia

My issue is getting the referral to the psych.

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## Paula

I know, will your GP even remotely consider prescribing something like that?

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## Jaquaia

I think I mentioned another gp had suggested it before and he disagreed. But I know that my mood today and yesterday is far from normal for me

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## Suzi

> I've been posting in the dark, dusty corners of the forum Mike (really Suzi! Those cobwebs are getting ridiculous now!)


Oi! You know where the cleaning cupboard is! 

I think you're handling this changeover really well love. I know it doesn't feel it right now, but you are doing great. 
I also think there are many other things that they could try, should they be able to.

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## Jaquaia

I'm too short to reach the corners of the ceiling  :(giggle): 

I just hate feeling like I have done the last couple of days. It isn't the first time it's happened, except last time it was dismissed when I mentioned itnto the doctor.

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## Suzi

It shouldn't be dismissed at all. Definitely keep a note of it love - you are still keeping a mood diary I hope?

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## Jaquaia

Have lapsed the past few weeks as it hurts to hold a pen. That and if I'm honest, just staying medicated, eating and drinking has been hard. I haven't had breakfast in well over a week

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## Angie

Oh hunni, am not going to lecture you on eating breakfast as eating isnt my best point, but please try x

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## Paula

Can you not do a diary on your phone, with voice text?

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## Suzi

I agree, use your phone, it doesn't have to be beautifully presented, just put down so it's current feelings etc...

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## Jaquaia

And here's the come down. Feeling so lethargic and empty today and anxiety has raised its ugly head, though that will hopefully settle once I've had my meds. I have hospital with the mother today so better find something to wear!

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## S deleted

I don't recommend your birthday suit

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## Jaquaia

Definitely not. It would traumatise everyone!

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## BookNerd

Hopefully it's all just the medication side effects and will settle down soon! It can be really frustrating with these GPs...I'm hesitant to move from my area because I've developed a good relationship with my GPs and have had crappy ones before, so I know how hard they are to find! Can you not see the GP that suggested the psych referral?

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## Jaquaia

I can see that one but we both know that the secondary mental health team won't consider me to be ill enough to be seen by them. I had 3 referrals rejected last year so I'm used to it.

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## Paula

Which is completely wrong  :@:

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## Jaquaia

We both know that Paula. I have a chronic, long-term illness which has a huge impact on my life but it doesn't seem to matter. I'm not actively planning suicide so I'm classed as safe. My self-harm isn't a concern, I assume because I don't draw blood when I can't resist the urge. I don't have a clue which way to turn really.

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## Suzi

But having one referral denied is one thing, but to persistently refuse the same patient care when their GP is obviously concerned enough to refer you 3 times is outrageous. Maybe we all need to petition your local MP and tell them how shocking things are.... After all the government are meant to be making mental health one of their prime focus points.....

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## Jaquaia

I just feel like I'm constantly going to be fobbed off with antidepressants and counselling for the rest of my life. You know I've queried possible bipolar before, and days like yesterday make me query it again, but they just dismiss me completely. 

It's crazy really. I can get a referral, an appointment and see a rheumatologist within 2 weeks of having an elevated CRP level, but suffer from a debilitating mental illness for 10 years (and it is getting to that stage as it's preventing me living my life) and I'm on my own.

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## Suzi

Can you print out your mood diary and ask him to send it all with the referral letter? Get the MP involved? Complain via PALS?

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## Paula

^^^wss

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## Jaquaia

Apparently I don't meet the criteria. That's what I keep getting told whenever I bring it up. I'm going to give these meds ago, go back and see the other gp with the interest in MH in 3 weeks and talk about the next step, but mention my weird mood to the one I'm seeing tomorrow so it's all registered. Fingers crossed these meds work and I don't need the pysch route, and will definitely look into PALS

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## S deleted

I know what its like being turned away time and time again. It makes you think that they think you're making it up and there is nothing wrong with you, but at the same time you're living with it every day and still it puts doubt in your mind. I've pretty much given up any hope of any decent medical support and have learned that its down to me to pull out all the stops and find a way of coping and hopefully getting better. I'll never stop looking for ways to beat this and I'm only to pretty much anything.

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## Jaquaia

I've had assessments with fresh wounds on my arm as I've been so agitated being there and still been told I'm not ill enough. It has such a huge impact on me, nothing has worked and I'm still turned away. I have changed so much to try and get better and now I just feel lost.

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## Suzi

I can understand that, and I'll see if I can think of anything else to try - although I'm sure you've already tried it...

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## S deleted

I wish I had a simple answer to how to make it better for you.

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## Jaquaia

Today has been crap. I should have just stayed in bed.

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## Paula

I'm sorry, lovely  :(bear):

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## Suzi

Why love? Why was it so bad? How are you doing today?

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## Jaquaia

I got up early as I had an appointment for my hair cutting except it was cancelled after we set off. Doctors was ok, he checked how I was doing with the paroxetine, he's logged my strange mood and I'm going back on the tablet that helped my alopecia. Then I was at hospital with my mum, 1 hour sat in physio since we got there stupidly early then an hours appointment. She's got allsorts to help her which knowing her, will end up in a drawer with crap excuses as to why she can't use it! Plus I had someone have a huge go at me about something that was beyond my control. So it was just stress, aggro and wanting to hide.

Today isn't much better. I'm irritable, I feel like I'm wading through treacle, my hands have flared, I'm pretty much wishing that I never woke up.

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## Paula

I'm not surprised you feel crap and pain has flared given yesterday. Are you resting?

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## Jaquaia

I'm trying to. Had the shopping to sort out and washed the pots but not felt up to doing anything else.

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## Suzi

Then I hope you are resting and being kind to yourself?

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## Angie

Please rest up hunni its been a busy time for you x

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## Jaquaia

Not going to lie, I've been struggling and just not seen the point in posting more of the same. I feel like I'm treading water in treacle,  it's bloody exhausting! Although it does help to be able to admit that

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## S deleted

No shame in admitting it. You've got a lot on your plate with the med change and physical health issues, looking after your mum etc. The one thing I truly love about you is that no matter how bad things are, you always pull through.

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## Paula

I was going to ask where you'd gone! Where are you re the meds now?  :Panda:

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## Jaquaia

I've been on them a week and a half now. 

Stella, it's the only choice I have really.

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## Suzi

Are you keeping any real track of your moods? What are the side effects like?

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## Jaquaia

My moods are pretty flat all of the time. No real side effects but I'm getting a lot of sharp stabbing pains in my leg so I don't know if it's related.

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## Angie

:(bear):  hunni it could be related but if it continues or bothers you its worth getting it checked

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## Suzi

Do get that checked out love. Is it only since starting the new meds?

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## Jaquaia

It's only been the past week, I've been on the meds nearly 2 weeks now. Yesterday it was so bad that I woke up with my leg throbbing and couldn't get back to sleep.

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## Paula

Please call the doctor tomorrow ....

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## OldMike

Jaq if you're constantly getting stabbing and throbbing pains in your leg you really need to get it checked out at the docs.  :(bear):   :Panda:

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## Paula

How are you today, lovely?

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## purplefan

I agree with the other. I hope you make the appointment today. I used to get those stabbing pains and it was down to poor blood circulation. My feet had swollen up because i was not walking or exercising and the blood just accumulated in my foot because it was not circulating round my body but once i started doing a bit of exercise after a couple of days, it was  fine. I would go to see your G.P.
I hope your mood is a bit better today.

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## Suzi

Hey gorgeous! How are you doing?

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## Jaquaia

I'm ok. Mood is still really flat but the urge to hurt myself isn't as strong, which is good. I missed my appointment with Mark yesterday as I slept in, my sleep pattern has been so poor just lately. I was at dentist today and have to go back in 3 weeks for 2 small fillings, not too bad considering I'm at a higher risk of cavities due to having a dry mouth. I've even managed to change the bedding.

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## Suzi

Bugger about the missed appointments. What's up with your sleeping?

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## Jaquaia

I'm getting into bed and I'm wide awake until 2/3am

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## S deleted

Ok I'm gonna ask all the obvious questions. Are having a wind down toward bed time? No phones, tablets or tv? Have you tried mindfulness or soothing music? Spoken to the gp about going back on Mirtazapine?

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## Jaquaia

No tv, usually watch videos on my tablet but it's got a filter on it that reduces blue light. Usually have earphones in and the fan on so I don't get too hot.

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## Paula

What about talking to the gp?

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## Jaquaia

I've mentioned it but I'm due a review soon so I'll mention it again.

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## S deleted

Right so while watching videos your mind is still active.

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## Jaquaia

I find it easier to switch off while watching videos. It gives me something to concentrate on rather then the thoughts racing through my head. Just like I relax more listening to metal then soothing music. 

I've never claimed to be normal!

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## S deleted

Normal is over rated

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## Suzi

Pfft I don't think I'd want to be "normal"  :O:

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## Angie

Erm whats this "normal"

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## Amaya

They do reckon if you can't sleep after 15 or 20m you should do something else like go for a short walk before trying again because just lying in bed trying to sleep isn't helpful. That doesn't work for me because of my physical problems, but maybe it will help you?

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## Jaquaia

That's why I try and watch something as you can guarantee if I put something on that I want to see I will fall asleep halfway through

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## Paula

Dr pimple popper - strangely soothing  :O:

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## Jaquaia

I said want to see! Not makes me want to vomit  :(giggle):

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Paula (29-07-17)

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## OldMike

> Dr pimple popper - strangely soothing


Some people watch the strangest things  :O:

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## OldMike

> I find it easier to switch off while watching videos. It gives me something to concentrate on rather then the thoughts racing through my head. Just like I relax more listening to metal then soothing music. 
> 
> I've never claimed to be normal!


None of us are normal Jaq that's what makes us interesting  :O:

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## Jaquaia

Well I'm hoping I made a difference last night! I spent a lot of time talking to a guy with paranoia who hasn't been taking his meds. He's cut his leg to pieces and has been drinking a lot which turns him into an arse, yet despite him obviously needing help his doctor isn't interested. I've given him the name of 2 alternative surgeries he can try, I've advised him to go to Citizens Advice about his ESA, and I've given him the contact details for the Rapid Response team, the Samaritans and MIND. Fingers crossed it does some good.

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OldMike (01-08-17)

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## Angie

Hopefully it will do some good hunni

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Jaquaia (30-07-17)

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## Paula

You're an incredibly kind soul  :):

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Jaquaia (30-07-17)

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## Jaquaia

I just did what I could

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## Suzi

Sounds like you've done a very kind thing lovely x

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Jaquaia (30-07-17)

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## Jaquaia

So today marks the 10 year anniversary of my wonderful friend Fiona passing away. I hadn't realised until I saw it pop up on fb. It doesn't feel like it's been as long as that.

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## Paula

:Panda:

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Jaquaia (02-08-17)

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## Angie

:(bear):

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Jaquaia (02-08-17)

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## Amaya

Do you find that you still miss you friend?




> That's why I try and watch something as you can guarantee if I put something on that I want to see I will fall asleep halfway through


 I wish that worked for me, putting something on to watch guarantees I will stay awake to see what happens next!

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## Jaquaia

I do still miss her. She was an incredible woman.

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## Suzi

I'm so sorry for your loss lovely.  :(bear):  :Panda:  :(bear):

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Jaquaia (02-08-17)

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## Jaquaia

Well I've just bought my dads christmas pressie. Quickest I've spent £100 in a while but well worth every penny.

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## S deleted

Wowzers! I bet he'll love it.

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## Paula

How are you doing today?

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## Jaquaia

I'm struggling. But so used to that now that it feels like stating the obvious.

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## Paula

I know what you mean, I bore myself answering that question with 'sore and tired' but, if that's what you're feeling, i for one would rather you were able to tell us  :(bear):

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## Suzi

I agree with Paula.... 

What did you buy him? I'm intrigued!

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## Jaquaia

I bought him this;

It's a hand drawn, original sketch of Mark Hughes by Paul Windridge and there is a lovely story behind me being able to purchase it.

As some of you know, my friend Tom is very ill at the moment and as he lives in America, he's going to be faced with a lot of medical bills. Paul has donated 17 original sketches to Tom to sell to raise funds towards his medical care. That's how highly thought of Tom is among a section of Man Utd supporters. We are family. Me purchasing this sketch is just something small I can do to help him. 

As to why I chose this sketch? I don't have many clear memories of my childhood. But the game this scene came from, that sticks out. I always watched the football with my dad, still do. The day this game was played I was 10 years old. We were a goal behind in the semi-final of the FA Cup and it looked like we were going out to Oldham. In the closing minute of the game, the ball came over his shoulder and he vollied it straight past the keeper to force a replay. That memory is so clear to me, even after all of this time, and that memory was made with my dad. 

When I saw this, I knew I had to have it. Not only do I get to help Tom out, but I get to give my dad a very unique and personal gift. My dad has always done what he can for us and he has supported me this past year and asked for nothing in return. And Tom has always been there for me. Every penny is money well spent.

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Angie (02-08-17),S deleted (02-08-17)

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## Suzi

That's a beautiful story!

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## Angie

That is a wonderful gift and a good way of helping aswell hunni x

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## Paula

What a beautiful gift  :):  

How are zyou today?

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## OldMike

That's a great gift Jaq.  :):

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## Jaquaia

My instinct is to say I'm ok but I'm struggling. I'm not looking forward to counselling this afternoon at all. I'm up, dressed, eaten and medicated and took the shopping delivery but now I feel exhausted and I still need to put it away.

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## S deleted

Put the frozen stuff away and then do the rest one bag at a time. There's no immediate rust is there?

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## Suzi

Totally agree. Frozen stuff first, then fridge stuff, then everything else as and when... 
Hope counselling goes OK lovely...

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## Jaquaia

It's all away now. I knew if I didn't get it done it would still be there later. I'm just fed up of feeling completely exhausted all of the time.

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## purplefan

SOmetimes when i am down that is when i open up more to the p/doc and it can be a very productive meeting Jauaia. Keeping you in my thoughts.


> My instinct is to say I'm ok but I'm struggling. I'm not looking forward to counselling this afternoon at all. I'm up, dressed, eaten and medicated and took the shopping delivery but now I feel exhausted and I still need to put it away.

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## Suzi

How was counselling?

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## Jaquaia

Crap really

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## Suzi

Oh no! Do you want to talk about it?

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## Jaquaia

There's no point. It's stuff I've talked about before and never really get anywhere.

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## Suzi

Oh sweetheart  :(bear):  :(bear):  :(bear):

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## S deleted

Jaq, I'm sorry but I've gotta say this and I know you'll hate it and most probably take it the wrong way. 

You say you're sick of things being the same way, but since the last time you said that what have you done to fight back? I'm pretty much aware of the big issues which trouble you and appreciate the difficulties of changing those situations but on a daily basis to deal with things I'm pretty sure you could battle a bit harder. Other than medical appointments how often do you leave the house? You have become so isolated and it makes me sad to think of you being so alone. I would love to see you push the boundaries and get out more. I know you care for your mum but there is no reason why you can't take an hour of your day to get out and about instead of hiding in your room.

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## Jaquaia

Yeah that's right. I don't do enough. I don't try hard enough. Thanks for that

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## S deleted

> You say you're sick of things being the same way, but since the last time you said that what have you done to fight back?


Feel free to answer the question.

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## S deleted

It's not that I think you don't do enough but maybe not doing anything different, so it's going to stay the same.

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## Suzi

Actually I think that Stella is right in a way - maybe she should have been a bit gentler in the approach.... BUT when you were meeting up and doing your exercise programme you seemed to have more sparkle about you itms? But since that's stopped your life purely revolves around caring for your Mum and that's not healthy for either of you.... Apart from when you went to Manchester, when did you last get out and do something different for fun? Something that didn't revolve around hospitals, counsellors, drs etc.....

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## magie06

Hi there. How are things today?

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## S deleted

Hey you! Quit sulking and fill us in on whats going on.

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## Suzi

You OK Jaq?

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## Jaquaia

I'm ok

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## S deleted

Why do I get the feeling that's not exactly true.

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## Suzi

You seem really quiet hunni..

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## Jaquaia

I don't know what to say really

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## Suzi

Tell me what's going on in your head...

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## Jaquaia

I try to avoid my head as much as possible. It's a dark and scary place at the moment.

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## S deleted

All the more reason to get it out into the light where it's not so scary

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## Jaquaia

The only difference I've noticed with the new meds is I no longer want to hurt myself every day. It's made no difference to my moods at all. In fact today I feel bloody weird. My full body feels like a tightly wound spring. I'm so tense and on edge, I feel like I could snap at any moment. I'm struggling to sit still, my skin is starting to crawl so trying to keep my hands busy so I don't start clawing at my arms.

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## AndThisTooMustPass

Hi

When I get that I find a good long walk burns off the adrenaline, really helps me. Hope you are able to try it.

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## Suzi

Have you tried all the basics like a shower? Changing clothes? When's your next Dr's appointment? How long have you been on them? Remind me what ones you've changed to?

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## Jaquaia

Yes. And as luck will have it, tomorrow afternoon. I'm on 20mg paroxetine. I know something will be done, even if it's just an increase, as I was doing my mums meds earlier and found myself thinking that 400 paracetamol would do the job. I'm not saying that for the shock factor either as it doesn't feel like it's me writing it.

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## Suzi

Sweetheart, should you be doing your Mum's meds if you are feeling that way?

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## Jaquaia

She can't physically manage to do them herself. I'll be ok, and I will tell the doctor, they're just passing thoughts, not really important.

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## Suzi

I disagree, I think it's really important.

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## Jaquaia

Apparently they're only important if I'm thinking of acting on them. Just like SH isn't anything to worry about if you're only scratching your skin.

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## S deleted

Jaq,  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  what the doctors say about those things. They matter because there are people who genuinely care about your well being and I for one would hate to think of you hurting yourself in any kind of way.

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## Suzi

What time is your appointment?

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## Jaquaia

It was half past 3 but got in early. He's increased the paroxetine to 30mg and I'm to go back in a month.

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## magie06

I'm glad that you were seen by someone today. And it sounds like someone is listening to you at last. Keep going, you've been quiet around the place recently and I missed you. Good luck with the increase in meds and please be careful when doing your mum's meds. I for one know I'd miss you around if anything were to happen to you.

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Suzi (10-08-17)

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## Jaquaia

I've had nothing to really add magie. The 2 doctor's I see are brilliant so I tend to stick with just them now. If I'm honest, I'm completely detached at the moment. These dark thoughts don't feel like they're mine. Today I've done a wash and got it on the line, washed the pots and dealt with the shopping and it feels like I was an observer.

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## S deleted

> I'm completely detached at the moment. These dark thoughts don't feel like they're mine.


I can totally relate to that. Almost as if you're watching your life story being played out in a movie. Like it's not real.

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## Jaquaia

Exactly like that. I'm getting through on autopilot. I've got stuff done today but I feel exhausted now.

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## magie06

You've done a lot today. You should be proud of yourself.

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## Jaquaia

I don't feel proud. I feel nothing

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## magie06

Small steps though. I'm proud of you so maybe that will be enough for this evening?

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## Amaya

Do you often feel detached like this or is it a new thing?

I hope you have something nice to do for yourself tonight  :):

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## purplefan

Hi Jaquaia. Hope your day is going good. Sorry i dont have any words of wisdom for you but i wanted to let you know i am keeping you in my thoughts. Hope your better.

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## Jaquaia

> Do you often feel detached like this or is it a new thing?
> 
> I hope you have something nice to do for yourself tonight


It used to be only when I hurt myself but now it's almost constant.

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## Amaya

I am not a doctor, but I think detachment is a natural protective instinct when feeling becomes too overwhelming. You shut down to protect. I think that means you need a hug: *hug*  :):

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## Jaquaia

I can't even remember my appointment now. It's all a blur.

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## S deleted

I know that one too.

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## Amaya

Is this bothering you, or is it a nice rest from feeling bad?

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## Jaquaia

It bothers me as it isn't me. But there's nothing I can do about it.

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## Amaya

I'm sure it can't last forever  :): 
Do you have something nice to do that is also a good focus for distracting yourself until you feel different?

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## Jaquaia

Fingers crossed but I've been like this for years, it's just gradually got so much worse. 

I've been playing lego Harry Potter but struggle to focus on it for long.

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## Jaquaia

And I am so fed up of snotty, entitled little madams who go through life treating people like  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  and getting away with it.

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## S deleted

Oh dear. Fall out with ya sister?

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## Jaquaia

You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family! Because I know I wouldn't choose her.

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## Suzi

Oh sweetheart I'm sorry....  :(bear):

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## Jaquaia

I'm ok. I don't need her, I have better people in my life.

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## Suzi

But no one has the right to make you feel bad. I'm sorry that she thinks it's ok to be like this.  :(bear):  :(bear):

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## Jaquaia

It's something I've got used to with her.

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## Suzi

How are you today gorgeous?

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## Paula

Hi, lovely  :(hi):

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## Jaquaia

I'm tired. I was still awake at 4. Going to get up do some washing but have so little energy it's unreal.

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## Suzi

Oh hunni, do you know why you were up so late? 

Have you tried meditation?

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## Jaquaia

My sleeping has been rubbish for a while now. I can doze off on the couch but as soon as I get into bed I'm wide awake

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## Suzi

:(bear):  Hunni... Do you have a good sleep routine?

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## Jaquaia

I try to be in bed before midnight

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## Suzi

Do you have a routine? As in, shower, change, bed, read, sleep?

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## Jaquaia

I sort of have a routine. Going to start trying the aromatherapy oils I bought I think

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## Paula

That sounds like a plan

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## Jaquaia

Well, because I get sick of the implication that I aren't changing enough to get better....

I'm off round a new friends for an hour or so for a brew and a natter.

----------


## S deleted

Hope you have a fab time tonight. You deserve it.

----------


## Suzi

I'm proud of you! I hope you have an awesome time - you deserve it!

----------


## Angie

Have a great time x

----------


## Jaquaia

So an hour or so turned into 4 and a half hours. I had such a giggle and haven't talked so much in ages. I actually felt relaxed around someone new. That's only happened twice to me in recent memory; when I met Ash and when I met Stella.

----------


## S deleted

I'm really glad you got out and enjoyed yourself. I know it's not easy for you but it really is worth getting out and having time away from the house.

Oh and ftr, I never said you don't do enough to feel better, I just don't think you were doing the right things. That's something completely different. I think you need to step out of your comfort zone on occasion.

----------


## Suzi

I'm so thrilled for you! Well done love!!

----------


## Paula

That's fantastic!

----------


## OldMike

Wow that's great  :(party):

----------


## Angie

Awww thats brilliant, am glad that you had a good time x

----------


## Jaquaia

Woke up in a great mood, yes it lasted!!! But grumpy now. Stomach ache is never any fun. Being a girl sucks sometimes!

----------


## S deleted

You have my sympathy.

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  :(bear):  **passes calorie free chocolate**

----------


## Jaquaia

Busy week this week. I started the med increase today, I've got physio with my mum first things weds and then I'm seeing Fran, counselling thurs and dentist fri. My shoulder has flared, my left hand and wrist has flared, I feel like my insides are slowly being dragged out with red hot pincers today and I'm tense so developing a headache, plus I've just been dragged shopping. Then next week I finally get a diagnosis from the hospital and the day after that I see the woman who has taken over my care from Mark! 

It's going to be a relief to get through to the weekend when I get to hang out with Stella!!!

----------


## Paula

Ouch, can you make sure you rest in between, please?

----------


## Jaquaia

I can try but got a huge pile of ironing to do

----------


## Suzi

Then do it in little stages with rest inbetween if it has to be done.....

----------


## Amaya

What is ironing?

How are you coping with your week so far?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not completely sure...hence the washing pile being almost as tall as me!  :(giggle): 

Physio is out of the way until October, it's going to be a very long process for my mum. I see the dietician in an hour so that's another one out of the way. I'm just tired and would like to dump the numb feeling

----------

Amaya (17-08-17)

----------


## Paula

Thinking of you, gorgeous

----------


## S deleted

> ...hence the washing pile being almost as tall as me!


It's not that big a pile then  :(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

Cheeky cow!  :(rofl): 

I've only gone and lost 6 bloody pounds! 6lbs!!!!!!! In 4 weeks! Nearly half a stone!!!!!!! Chuffed to bits here!

----------

magie06 (16-08-17),Paula (16-08-17),S deleted (16-08-17)

----------


## magie06

That is wonderful news. Well done. What's your secret?

----------


## S deleted

Go you!!! That's brilliant.

----------


## Paula

That's fantastic!  :(party):

----------


## Suzi

That's awesome! How have you done it? Share your secrets!

----------


## Jaquaia

No secret really. My appetite has been rubbish just lately and I'm back on the spironolactone (water tablet) which helps with the hair loss so I'm thinking that has something to do with it.

----------


## Suzi

Hey as long as you are doing it a healthy way then go for it!

----------


## Jaquaia

And that's counselling out of the way! Only dentist to go!

----------


## S deleted

How'd you get on?

----------


## Jaquaia

It was quite positive. She's going to request some more sessions for me to take us up to Christmas

----------


## Amaya

That's good news  :):

----------


## S deleted

Is that a good thing?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm in 2 minds about it

----------


## S deleted

I only ask cos I know you had a bit of on issue a while ago with the counsellor and dunno if you feel comfortable continuing seeing the same person.

----------


## Suzi

I hope it is positive. I'm glad you've been given more sessions.

----------


## Jaquaia

They're not guaranteed yet, she's applying for them after the next session. To be honest, I'm not convinced after the issue I had but I have to show willing.

----------


## Angie

I would try and look at that as her trying to give you as much as she can hunni, but understand your reservations aswell xx

----------


## Paula

> They're not guaranteed yet, she's applying for them after the next session. To be honest, I'm not convinced after the issue I had but I have to show willing.


I suppose the question is, regardless of what happened on one, or two, sessions, has the counselling overall been positive or otherwise?

----------


## Jaquaia

It's made me realise that I have lost myself over the past few years and there's maybe positives I can't see myself yet, but other then that I haven't noticed it being overly helpful.

----------


## Paula

Do you now have any tools that could potentially be used to find yourself?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know. Getting out and socialising was huge for me and made me feel more like myself then I have in a long time.

----------


## Suzi

I think that getting to realise how much you have lost you is huge - I know, because I know how scared that made me when I've had it said to me a few times....

----------


## Jaquaia

It finally clicked that I'm either ill or a carer but never just me.

----------


## Suzi

We talked about this a bit today about how each person around us sees a segment of us, but few people see the whole of this....

----------


## Paula

How are you doing, gorgeous?

----------


## Suzi

Hope that it's a good day lovely x

----------


## Jaquaia

It's not a great day but sat watching the football at the moment then going to disappear and go do my latest gem picture. Or try to anyway. I have to take a break after doing so many as my hands start throbbing. I realised today that I can't even cross my fingers anymore, not without forcing it and not without considerable pain and discomfort. Still, at least I get my diagnosis on Tuesday.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry it's not a good day lovely x

----------


## Jaquaia

Finished my gem pic. My hands are suffering a bit now but it kept me focused so I'll take it.

----------

OldMike (20-08-17),S deleted (19-08-17)

----------


## Suzi

Can we see?

----------


## OldMike

Yep a pic of your gem picture would be nice Jaq.  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I'll take a pic in a little while.

----------


## Amaya

Looking forward to seeing it  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

It annoys me that my hands make it difficult to do these now as I find them so soothing.

----------

OldMike (20-08-17),Paula (20-08-17)

----------


## Amaya

Do you do the designs yourself?

----------


## Jaquaia

No, they come pre-printed and I just need to stick each gem on individually, but it's so intricate and fiddly. I find I need to focus to do them and the movement is so repetitive that it relaxes me.

----------


## Amaya

It sounds really relaxing, not sure I would have the patience for all the fiddly bits. In the hospital there was a girl using the same things to make football tshirts so I know you can find designs for almost everything online.

----------


## Angie

That is gorgeous xx Hows things now hunni x

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm plodding through. I don't really have any other choice.

----------


## Amaya

Do you have something else fun to do today to break up the plodding?

----------


## Jaquaia

I could do some gaming but everything feels like a huge effort

----------


## Amaya

I was thinking I might do that tonight too. But it will probably end up being Netflix again I am so exhausted. What games do you play? I am really enjoying world of warcraft at the moment because it is so relaxing on days when I can't do much.

----------


## Paula

> It annoys me that my hands make it difficult to do these now as I find them so soothing.


I know, I felt the same about my cross stitch  :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

> I know, I felt the same about my cross stitch


Hopefully, whatever diagnosis I get on Tuesday, there's something they can do to help.




> I was thinking I might do that tonight too. But it will probably end up being Netflix again I am so exhausted. What games do you play? I am really enjoying world of warcraft at the moment because it is so relaxing on days when I can't do much.


At the moment, Lego Harry Potter, but I also like the Raving Rabids games, Mario, Sonic, things like that. I'm after an xbox so I can play Fable and Final Fantasy 13

----------


## Amaya

> Hopefully, whatever diagnosis I get on Tuesday, there's something they can do to help.


I hope so too  :): 



> At the moment, Lego Harry Potter, but I also like the Raving Rabids games, Mario, Sonic, things like that. I'm after an xbox so I can play Fable and Final Fantasy 13


 I used to love final fantasy when I was younger, but I am a pc gamer now, hardly ever use a console. Gaming is so good for you  :):

----------


## Suzi

I felt the same too..... Your picture is beautiful! 
What about watching a movie? Writing? Baking?

----------


## Angie

I love fable but struggle to play any game with a controller, how about reading or maybe doing some puzzles

----------


## Jaquaia

> I felt the same too..... Your picture is beautiful! 
> What about watching a movie? Writing? Baking?


I struggle to concentrate for long to watch a movie. I'd love to write but it hurts to hold a pen for any length of time, it's not even comfortable filling in a prescription! Baking? Really??? I'm trying to lose weight!  :(giggle): 




> I love fable but struggle to play any game with a controller, how about reading or maybe doing some puzzles


I do struggle with controllers but hoping something will help my hands. I've actually got a book on the go but started losing my concentration. I have puzzle games on my phone.

----------


## Suzi

WRT the pen- H uses one of these.. https://www.amazon.co.uk/STABILO-EAS...ilo+easy+start They are specifically for hand issues. It's helped her no end.... And yes, I know it's not a fountain pen......

----------


## Jaquaia

I haven't used a fountain pen since I was at school!  :(giggle): 

That looks like it might help, I'll give it a go. Thanks chuck!

----------


## Suzi

OK, so it's only me who uses a fountain pen out of preference then? lol 

It's really helped H - you can actually read her writing with it! I've tried it and it takes a little getting used to, but it's easier... Hope it helps - they do right or left handed ones and pencils too!

----------


## Jaquaia

I need my head testing. I've only agreed to meet a guy for a drink tomorrow night  :(wasntme):

----------


## Angie

Why do you need your head testing ?

----------


## Jaquaia

Because I said yes and now I'm panicking and wanting to back out except I know I'll regret it if I do and just in general argh!!!! What am I thinking?!?!

----------


## Paula

You're thinking that you need to push yourself to socialise and you want to do this but equally do not want to do this cos it's scary. Is that about it? 

The thing is, the more you do it, the easier it will hopefully become. As long as you're safe, I really think this is such a positive thing  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Exactly that Paula. I'm absolutely terrified now I've said yes.

----------


## Paula

Can you put thinking about going to one side for tonight (in hopes you get some sleep) and focus on how awesome you are for agreeing to go?

----------


## Jaquaia

I can try but really nervous!

----------


## Paula

How are you doing this morning?

----------


## Jaquaia

Nervous!!!!

----------


## Angie

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Do you know what you are going to wear? Going somewhere public? Do you have someone set to send you a get out text at 9?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't yet. Yes, a bar in town. And I do. But still nervous.

----------


## Suzi

It's understandable to be nervous.. How long have you been talking to him? Will you try not to do anything spontaneously if you don't know him well?

----------


## Jaquaia

I will try. I'm intending to be on my best behaviour

----------


## Suzi

OK.. IF that changes then please, please, please let someone know where you are going and how you are getting there (reg plates would be good too).... Pics of him too.. (Am I sounding a little over protective? It's coz I am and I loves ya x)

----------


## Jaquaia

Well he's an older guy called Tony who is spanish but has been in the UK 16 years. He's been very polite while we've been talking, he's attractive, seems genuine and I've seen comments from a lot of people who have met him saying how lovely and how much of a gent he is. I'm looking forward to some intelligent conversation. Just really nervous as it's out of my comfort zone.

----------


## Angie

Go and have a nice evening, decent conversation and see how it goes x

----------


## S deleted

I am so proud of you for pushing your boundaries and I'm confident you will have a great time but just in case you need a get out of jail call let me know lol

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm getting very, very nervous now, so much so that I feel sick.

----------


## S deleted

Hey it will be fine. The apprehension is always the worst part. Once you get chatting you'll have a great time.

----------


## Paula

Nerves are ok, nerves are normal in this sort of situation. I'm so proud of you  :):

----------


## Suzi

You'll be fine lovely...

----------


## Jaquaia

I need to go start showering but feel like throwing up

----------


## Angie

Hunni deep breaths you will be fine honestly, once you get there and start talking etc

----------


## Suzi

Suck a peppermint and go for it!

----------


## S deleted

Yeah suck it and see lol

----------


## Jaquaia

:(rofl):  well I'm showered at least and I know what I'm wearing!

----------


## S deleted

Woohoo.

----------


## Angie

:(y): ....

----------


## Jaquaia

In the taxi. Can I go home?

----------


## Paula

Big hugs

----------


## S deleted

No you can't go home. Not until you've had a fab time.

----------


## Angie

You will be fine hunni xx

----------


## Suzi

Are you there yet?

----------


## Jaquaia

Just waiting for a taxi home. Wow! Can't stop smiling!

----------

magie06 (22-08-17),S deleted (22-08-17)

----------


## Angie

Sounds like a good night hunni ?

----------


## Jaquaia

It was a great night! He was a complete gent, great company, absolutely lovely, very sexy accent  :O:  We talked so much!

----------


## S deleted

So you gonna be seeing him again?

----------


## Jaquaia

Probably not. He's actually from London but wanted some company while he was up here for work. We'd been talking a few weeks and he was a complete gent, so thoughtful and attentive.

----------


## S deleted

I'm that's a shame. He sounds really nice.

----------


## Paula

That is a shame ..... but you did it and it was a success  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I did and it was a huge success!

----------


## S deleted

I'm so excited about you getting out and living instead of just existing. You sound so much happier which in turn as a mate makes me happy.

----------


## Angie

Am so glad that you went hunni x

----------


## Suzi

So glad it went well and that he was lovely! Fantastic!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm absolutely bouncing today!

----------


## Angie

Suppose we need to call you Tiger  :P:  aslong as its happy smiley bouncing  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm in such a fantastic mood today!

----------


## Paula

That's really good news!

----------


## Angie

I have a great big smile on my face reading your posts hunni  :):

----------


## magie06

I'm so delighted for you. It sounds like a great night.

----------


## Jaquaia

In other news, guess who's going out for coffee tomorrow  :O:

----------


## S deleted

Well it ain't me lol

----------


## Angie

Nor me am to busy  :(:  Go and have fun hunni xx

----------


## Jaquaia

And I think I've got plans on friday too. Can't remember  :O: 

And I'm out on sunday. And have a date next Saturday!  :(giggle):

----------


## Angie

Yay busy bee but good for you  :):

----------


## S deleted

> And I think I've got plans on friday too. Can't remember


Have you? Anything interesting?

----------


## Jaquaia

> Have you? Anything interesting?


It's ok I suppose   :(giggle):

----------


## Paula

Another date?? Spill?

----------


## Jaquaia

This one feels a bit weird. Been talking to him for a year and he's lovely. Really respectful and we get on well. Well I've done him a favour and I've said he can take me out for a drink next Saturday to thank me. He's only 24 though so it feels a bit naughty. And I know! Age is only a number!

----------


## S deleted

Right so you hook up with a 45 yo last night, but a 24 yo is a bit weird? It's a smaller age different so whats weird about it? It's not like he's gonna be turning up in his school uniform or anything.

----------

Paula (22-08-17)

----------


## Jaquaia

Now you've put it like that it does sound daft! I didn't think of it like that before.

----------


## Angie

Jays 9 years younger than me sweetie nothing wrong with age difference xx

----------


## Jaquaia

Ok. I've given it a couple of hours to sink in. 

I was at the hospital today and all my tests came back positive, I have rheumatoid arthritis. The rheumatologist said that they've caught it early though so no damage has been done to my joints yet. I've had to have a chest xray today and more bloods and I'm to go and see my doctor in 2 weeks. If my chest xray is fine, I'll be starting methotrexate.

----------


## Suzi

My friend is on methotrexate and it's helped so much. Just make sure you get the anti emetic too. She doesn't eat much on methotrexate day - normally belvita biscuits as it is easier with the nausea. 

I'm sorry you've had such a  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  diagnosis, but at least you know you're not imagining the pain etc....  :(bear):  :(bear):  :(bear):

----------

Angie (22-08-17)

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

To be honest, it's not that much of a shock as I was kind of expecting it. And at least it's been diagnosed before my joints are permanently damaged. I'm more annoyed that I now have an autoimmune disease and am going to have to have the flu vaccination

----------


## Angie

Treatment can at least start early but can understand how your feeling hunni x

----------


## Paula

Why are you annoyed you have to have the flu jab?

----------


## S deleted

> I'm more annoyed that I now have an autoimmune disease and am going to have to have the flu vaccination


Having asthma for as long as I can remember I've always been eligible but some reason never got invited for one until I was 30. Is it really such a bad thing?

----------


## Jaquaia

I guess because it's a reminder that I'm now immunosupressed and I need to try and avoid people with infections as catching it can cause a flare up. Although in good news, since the last time I was at the hospital, so about 8 weeks, I've lost just over 12lbs!

Oh and...

----------

Paula (22-08-17)

----------


## S deleted

It can sound pretty scary I guess but when you don't know any different it's not something you think about. It's only when people point out the risks I even realise.

----------


## Paula

I'm immunosuppressed too. It sucks but at least you know and can deal with it. Eventually you won't even think about it. One of the first things my consultant told me when he diagnosed CRPS (on top of my asthma so I doubly need the jab) was to take 1000mg vitamin C every day.  I do and actually have far fewer colds/throats infections etc than I used to have

----------


## Suzi

*waves hands as another immunosuppressed person* 

How are you feeling today? 
Awww baby!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm feeling sick again. Meeting a friend soon for coffee but want to throw up again. Anxiety is an arse

----------


## S deleted

But your not going to give in to the anxiety. You will meet your friend and you will have a good natter. The more you get out the easier it will become.

----------


## Suzi

Stellla's right. You can do this. x

----------


## Angie

What they said, you can do this hunni x

----------


## Jaquaia

Back! He got called back to work but had such a giggle. It's just that initial anxiety, it makes me feel so ill.

----------


## Angie

But be as proud of yourself as we are as your facing it, working through it and dealing with it babe xx

----------


## S deleted

I totally understand how difficult it is to get out and yeah, you wonder if it wouldn't be easier to just cancel as that is the quickest way to relieve the symptoms of anxiety, but do you really wanna be controlled by your condition? you gave into the anxiety for so long it's no wonder that you find it so hard but right now I am so damned proud of you cos you are challenging yourself, you're stepping out of your comfort zone, taking the hard option and learning that it really is worth fighting your natural urge to run and hide cos there is a fun and enjoyable experience on the other side.

----------


## Paula

I'm another one proud of you. And I'm so chuffed you're pushing through the initial anxiety  :):

----------


## Suzi

Woohooo! You are awesome!

----------


## Jaquaia

I almost fell asleep on the couch when I got home. I just felt exhausted

----------


## S deleted

Yep it'll do that but it is so worth it right?

----------


## Jaquaia

Definitely! I might need to slow down though. I've agreed to go out on Wednesday too!

----------


## Paula

One extreme to the other  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I know! I'm like a child with a new toy  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Go you!  :):

----------


## S deleted

> I know! I'm like a child with a new toy


Is it battery operated?

----------


## Angie

:(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

:(rofl):

----------


## Paula

:(giggle):

----------


## Jaquaia

I forgot I'm out next Friday night with a group of people too  :(sweat):

----------


## Suzi

You're becoming quite the social butterfly  :O:  )

----------


## Jaquaia

I may need to start keeping a diary!  :O:  though on the plus side, it's not letting me dwell on my diagnosis

----------


## Suzi

It's a good thing! You sound happier than you have in a while. How are you actually feeling?

----------


## Jaquaia

Things are feeling a little better. Monday night with Tony was a HUGE boost. A little numb at the moment though and my hands and wrists are really stiff which isn't helping.

----------


## Paula

Better is good, really good  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

There's something bothering me but I'm trying to work up the guts to post about it.

----------


## Angie

When your ready hunni xx

----------

Jaquaia (24-08-17)

----------


## Paula

We're here when you're ready  :(bear):

----------

Jaquaia (24-08-17)

----------


## Suzi

You know we won't judge you for anything, so go ahead and post when you are ready love.

----------


## Flo

Yup...get it off your chest Jaq.....AA table card : What You Hear Here, What You See Here, When You Leave Here, Let It Stay Here........all you'll get is love not chastisement.

----------

Jaquaia (24-08-17),OldMike (25-08-17),Paula (24-08-17),Suzi (24-08-17)

----------


## Jaquaia

I've posted it in my other thread.

I can breath now!

----------

OldMike (25-08-17),Paula (24-08-17),Suzi (24-08-17)

----------


## OldMike

> I've posted it in my other thread.
> 
> I can breath now!


I suspect your other thread is in the ladies section where some great ladies will give you some fantastic support.

If you ever feel the need to talk to an older guy I'm here  :O: 

As Flo says we don't judge, what's written here stays here.  :(bear): 

PS: Could I become an honorary lady  :(rofl):

----------


## Paula

Aw Mike you wouldn't like it, every 4 weeks you eat your body weight in chocolate  :O:

----------

OldMike (27-08-17)

----------


## Suzi

> Aw Mike you wouldn't like it, every 4 weeks you eat your body weight in chocolate


So true!

----------

OldMike (27-08-17)

----------


## Jaquaia

Had a fab time with Stella! My parents think she's awesome, Talia is gutted she's gone and I've had a giggle!

----------

OldMike (27-08-17),Paula (26-08-17)

----------


## Angie

Am so glad that you had a good time hunni xxx

----------


## Suzi

All sounds lie a brilliant time!

----------


## Jaquaia

It was pretty embarrassing though when a group of fit, tattoed guys walked in the pub and I completely lost my train of thought   :(rofl):

----------


## Angie

hahaha

----------


## S deleted

You little hussy lmao. I gotta admit even I had sneaky peak. You best let ya mum know I might be back in a couple of months.

----------

Suzi (26-08-17)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm so happy! Back to back Challenge Cup winners! Woohoo!!!!

----------

Angie (26-08-17)

----------


## Suzi

So glad you had a good time! 

Yay for the cup (I think? I have no idea, but it's made you happy...)

----------


## S deleted

I'm happy about the cup too cos I'm £1.10 richer lol

----------


## Suzi

Lol Stella - what are you going to spend it on? 

How are you today Jaq?

----------


## Jaquaia

I can't get going today. Think I've exhausted myself.

----------


## Suzi

That's not a problem - be kind to yourself x

----------


## S deleted

Sorry  :(:  I'm pretty wasted today too.

----------


## Jaquaia

Don't be daft you dozy mare! I think I've tried running before I can walk. That and I feel pretty shocking today. Guts are churning and I feel like throwing up.

----------


## S deleted

I just wanna say what I told Angie yesterday, about how amazing it was to see you with a smile on your face and a spark of excitement about you. I really do understand how hard it can be and just how much it can take it out of you. I like to think I'm good at challenging myself and pushing the boundaries but sometimes I push too hard and too fast and it takes it's toll. I try to stick with it cos I know how good it can be when you get past the initial difficulties and the sense of achievement in the end but sometimes you have to back off and give yourself a break. I know you've got things lined up over the next week so just rest up when you can and prepare yourself mentally for the battle and the fun you will have.

----------

Suzi (28-08-17)

----------


## Paula

Sometimes, the joy of achieving times like this far outweighs the 'hangover'

----------

Suzi (28-08-17)

----------


## Jaquaia

Well I ended up popping to a friends. Had such a giggle.

----------

Angie (27-08-17),Paula (27-08-17),S deleted (27-08-17),Suzi (28-08-17)

----------


## S deleted

A proper social butterfly you're becoming lol

----------

Angie (27-08-17)

----------


## Jaquaia

Haha! I know. Although tonight was just crazy.

----------


## Suzi

So glad you are getting out and having some fun!

----------


## OldMike

It's great you're out there socialising, and crazy is good  :O:   :(party):

----------


## Jaquaia

If you knew what happened Mike you might not say that  :(giggle):

----------


## S deleted

Lmfao

----------


## Suzi

Spill.......

----------


## Paula

What? What? What?  :(giggle):

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh my god. I couldn't possibly spill here. It's hilarious but extremely embarrassing.  :(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

Had a huge headache all day today, still agreed to go out tomorrow though! I must be mad.

----------


## Suzi

> Oh my god. I couldn't possibly spill here. It's hilarious but extremely embarrassing.


Then spill somewhere else....

----------


## S deleted

> Had a huge headache all day today, still agreed to go out tomorrow though! I must be mad.


Bloody hell do you spend any time at home these days lol

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm out tomorrow, Friday, saturday and most of next week  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

This seems good. How are you feeling mood wise?

----------


## Jaquaia

My mood is a bit all over really. It's better when I've been out but still pretty flat most of the time and the anxiety is exhausting.  Still, if I can get through sunday in one piece I can handle anything!!!

----------


## Suzi

Of course you can! Are you keeping a mood diary at all?

----------


## Jaquaia

I haven't been just lately but I need to start again. Got a busy week this week. Seeing Fran tomorrow morning and out tomorrow night, seeing Sam Thursday morning and maybe out Thursday night, counselling Friday morning and out Friday night, out Saturday and maybe seeing Mark again.

----------


## Suzi

Erm, all this is brilliant, but where you are fitting in resting?

----------


## Jaquaia

I know. I've gone from one extreme to another and I need to find a balance. I'm just trying to figure out how right now.

----------


## Paula

The fact that you're aware of that and are trying to figure it out gives me confidence you will figure it out  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I hope so. In other news, another 3lbs lost!  :(party):

----------

magie06 (30-08-17),Paula (30-08-17),S deleted (30-08-17)

----------


## Suzi

Wow! Well done lovely!

----------


## purplefan

I think what you are doing is so inspirational Jaquaia. So proud.

----------


## Paula

Fantastic!

----------


## Angie

well done hunni x

----------


## S deleted

> I hope so. In other news, another 3lbs lost!


Must be all the exercise you're getting  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):  I'm saying nothing!  :(giggle):

----------


## OldMike

> I'm saying nothing!


What have you been up to Jaq *wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more*  :(giggle): 

It's great to see you're enjoying life and long may it be so.  :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

I feel great this morning! Just got out of the gym and I even got a hug off the gorgeous Sam! He has helped me so much!

----------

OldMike (31-08-17),Paula (31-08-17)

----------


## Suzi

I'm so pleased for you! Things seem to be going in the right direction?

----------


## Jaquaia

Getting to hug the gorgeous Sam is definitely a good thing  :O: 

He has helped me so much over the past 6 months. I have so much more self belief as he's helped me to see that I can do things. One of the tests I do is a 6 minute walk. I've always had to stop before because my back started hurting, but today I did the full 6 minutes. I am so chuffed with myself! They have new machines in the gym and the leg press machine doesn't even go as high as what I did last time. I feel so much better physically and mentally since I started seeing Sam. Combine that with going out and the medication actually having an effect, I finally feel like I'm getting somewhere.

----------


## Paula

I honestly don't think I've ever seen you as buoyant as you have been the last few weeks and I'm chuffed to bits  :(happy):

----------

Jaquaia (31-08-17)

----------


## S deleted

I told you all that exercise is good for you lol

----------


## Jaquaia

:(rofl):  it certainly is!   :O: 

Paula, Sam commented on how different I seemed to be too  :):

----------

OldMike (31-08-17)

----------


## Angie

I'm so glad things are going well for you hunni, you deserve it

----------

Jaquaia (31-08-17)

----------


## Suzi

I'm so pleased for you and proud of you!

----------

Jaquaia (31-08-17)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm in a flare up tonight, but the satisfaction I got from my session with Sam, and the boost to my mood makes the pain worth it.

----------


## S deleted

And a hug. I'm jealous.

----------


## Jaquaia

He is rather lovely isn't he  :O:

----------


## Suzi

Hope it's a quick flare and doesn't cause too much pain. When are you starting the methotrexate?

----------


## Jaquaia

I took some ibuprofen last night which seems to have stopped it. My hands are just stiff and uncomfortable today rather then painful. See my GP a week today, so fingers crossed he's received the letter from the hospital and I'll be starting it on Friday

----------


## Suzi

Awesome  :):

----------


## Angie

Glad the ibuprofen has helped hunni x

----------


## Jaquaia

My hands are so stiff this morning! Not liking this flare up but so worth it!  :(nod):

----------


## Angie

:Panda:

----------


## Paula

I find flare ups are much easier to deal with if you know there's a good reason for it  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

A very good reason behind it  :O:

----------


## Suzi

Good! Sometimes it's worth the flare I find  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

Oooh! And on my way home this morning (yes, I know! Naughty girl!) I used the bus!!! I haven't used public transport in about 2 years yet took 2 buses home and  didn't even flinch!

----------

Suzi (02-09-17)

----------


## Angie

Go you  :):  am so proud of you hunni x

----------


## S deleted

Haha, we've all done the walk of shame the morning after the night before. Well done with the public transport. It's easy going home than heading out cos you're returning to your safe place. Has Talia forgiven you yet for leaving her?

----------


## Jaquaia

Haha! I actually never have before! It's my first time  :(giggle):  no regrets whatsoever though.

----------


## Paula

That's fantastic!

----------


## Suzi

You've never done the walk of shame before? I used to always find it best with a bloody great smile on your face, holding your shoes in your hand  :O:  

Nice one love. Pleased for you x

----------


## Jaquaia

Definitely a huge smile on my face. He's a good friend too and someone I can hang out with

----------


## Suzi

Is he still in the "friendszone"? Or......

----------


## Jaquaia

Still friends as neither of us are looking for anything serious, but there is a connection there.

----------


## Angie

So proud of you hunni xxx

----------


## Paula

Hey, Si and I were friends for 7 years before we started seeing each other  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

:(rofl):  we've talked a bit today and he definitely wants to hang out again  :(blush):

----------


## Paula

:(happy):

----------


## Suzi

> we've talked a bit today and he definitely wants to hang out again


So cool!  :):

----------


## Angie

:): ...

----------


## OldMike

> we've talked a bit today and he definitely wants to hang out again


Brilliant Jaq  :):

----------


## Paula

Hey hunni, how's you?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok. Had a bit of a flare up since yesterday so been in a fair bit of discomfort.  Other then that, I'm honestly ok.

----------


## Paula

Gentle hugs sent oop north  :(bear):

----------

Jaquaia (03-09-17)

----------


## Jaquaia

Only a few days til I see my doctor to start the methotrexate

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------

Jaquaia (03-09-17)

----------


## Suzi

Gentle hugs hunni... When are you seeing the Dr?

----------


## Jaquaia

Friday afternoon. My wrist is throbbing tonight so it can't come soon enough

----------


## Suzi

Can you try to get an earlier appointment?

----------


## Jaquaia

Only an emergency appointment at this point

----------


## Angie

Awww hunni is it worth getting one if your in pain though ?

----------


## Jaquaia

I took a naproxen before bed so it's settled down a lot

----------


## Angie

Glad its settled for you

----------


## Suzi

How's it doing now love?

----------


## Jaquaia

There's just some stiffness in my fingers tonight so I can live with it.

----------


## Suzi

Ok... Be kind to yourself though lovely x

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm going to try, but doctors and the hospital with my mum tomorrow.

----------


## purplefan

How did it go with the appointment Jaquaia?

----------


## Flo

Hope your wrist doesn't play you up too much today Jaq, and good luck at the hospital with mum.

----------


## Paula

Try to get some rest today, love. Hope it goes ok with mum

----------

Jaquaia (05-09-17)

----------


## Jaquaia

I've not had it yet purple. 

To be honest flo, I can see them increasing her meds again to try and get the arthritis under control.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  Hope it goes well today lovely x

----------


## Jaquaia

15 minutes to find a parking space, 15 minutes queuing for the lift and I only needed to get her up to the first floor, all while I'm flaring again  :=(:

----------


## Paula

:(bear):  has she seen the doc yet?

----------


## Jaquaia

Yeah. Ended up parking about 5 minutes away from the hospital and having to walk, then walking back and dismantling the wheelchair to go back in the boot. I feel exhausted now.

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni  :(bear):  Did the appointment go well?

----------


## Paula

Did they increase the meds?

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh the appointment went well apart from the 15 minutes to find a parking space, then the walk, then the 15 minutes just to get in the bloody lift, then the walk back and having to dismantle the wheelchair. She's had the meds increased again and they're sending her for lung function tests as they're looking to swap her on to methotrexate but she won't stop bloody smoking.

----------

purplefan (06-09-17)

----------


## Suzi

She's still not even thinking about quitting?

----------


## Jaquaia

She said she's trying and she has cut down a little. But then some days she has 2 or 3 in a really short space of time.

----------


## purplefan

Morning Jaquaia, Hope you are well today? I was up in the attick last night and found a little box full of Dr.Who books all the sylvester Mccoy stories. I shall work my way through them. Was it a Dr.Who story that you got your user name?

----------


## S deleted

Yeah, who did you choose the username you did?

----------


## Jaquaia

It was from a Dr Who novel! It was an 8th Doctor novel, 'The Fall of Yquatine' and it is one of the summer months on the planet. Hugely geeky!  :(giggle):

----------


## S deleted

Yeah but why that of all things?

----------


## Jaquaia

I thought it was a really pretty and original name and it always stuck with me.

----------


## S deleted

Much like you then.

----------


## Jaquaia

Awwww mate!  :(blush):

----------


## magie06

What's planned for the rest of today?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not a huge amount as I'm still having a flare up in my hands and now my left shoulder too. Had my haircut and just taking it easy now

----------


## Angie

Glad that your now taking it easy hunni x

----------


## Suzi

Hope that you've been properly resting lovely.

----------


## Jaquaia

I've been trying. Can't really lift my arm above my head so blowdrying my hair was fun after my shower. 
Doctors on friday so will mention it then.

----------


## Suzi

Did you need to blow dry? If it hurts then don't push it too hard love. (oo er)

----------


## Jaquaia

I had it cut today so needed to see how it looked properly  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Ooooooooooooo how short?

----------


## Jaquaia

To my shoulder and it's a lot more shaped around my face and layered. The hairdresser asked how much I wanted off... "surprise me"  :(giggle):

----------


## Paula

That was a risky thing to say  :(giggle): . And, btw, it looks lovely!

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh that wasn't actually my new hair paula! I shall upload a pic!

It is now on fb!

----------


## Paula

It's gorgeous!

----------

Jaquaia (07-09-17)

----------


## Jaquaia

Thank you! I'm not used to it being so short at the front!

----------


## magie06

Your hair is beautiful. I love the cut. I'm going for the chop tomorrow. Feeling brave too. Going to ask for layers this time. Just for a change.

----------

Jaquaia (07-09-17)

----------


## OldMike

Hair looks great Jaq.

----------

Jaquaia (07-09-17)

----------


## Jaquaia

Thanks guys!  :):  

I think I've just agreed to go on a proper date  :(blush):

----------


## magie06

Cool.

----------


## S deleted

Woohoo! You go girl. When you going? Where's he taking you?

----------


## Suzi

Your hair looks amazing! 

Proper date? OO tell us more..

----------

Jaquaia (07-09-17)

----------


## Paula

:(party):  details please!

----------


## Jaquaia

Ok, huge blip this evening. My phone crashed and then I lost all internet and I panicked. Without my phone, I don't really have any contact with the outside world, and losing that crutch is scary and it sent my anxiety sky high. I've only just stopped shaking but I'm feeling so stressed and tense that my whole body aches and my RA has flared up. 

As for my date, his name is Ric, he's 35, no kids, lives in Grimsby and seems to be a bit besotted with me. We've talked on the phone and I feel so comfortable, the conversation just flows.

----------


## Suzi

(hugs) lovely. How are you doing after the blip? 

Date sounds lovely - where are you going?

----------


## Jaquaia

Mainly sore. I was in so much pain last night that I took a naproxen and went to bed early. I've never been so tense that it's started causing discomfort before, my leg is so tight today that it's actually painful. 

I'm not sure yet. He wants to take me for a meal.

----------


## Paula

Could the tension also be because of your date?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm actually looking forward to seeing him, although very nervous. He's incredibly sweet and easy to get on with. 

I'm annoyed with the hospital though. Just seen the doctor and can't start the methotrexate as they haven't received anything from the rheumatologist.

----------


## Paula

Oh ffs! Have you called them?

----------


## Jaquaia

I have no details for them, the doctor is getting the secretaries to chase it up and I'm to ring and check in a week.

----------


## Angie

Oh hunni that is not good x

----------


## S deleted

I'd be bloody fuming too.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Oh I'm sorry lovely....

----------


## Jaquaia

My hands and wrists are flaring tonight, my left wrist is particularly bad. It's irritating me more then usual as I know I should be starting medication to hopefully improve it and because of a lack of communication between my doctors, I'm not. I feel let down.

----------


## S deleted

You have been let down but unfortunately this is all we can expect from the NHS lately. It's such a shambles.

----------


## Suzi

You have been let down.... I'm sorry you're flaring love. I sympathise - most of us at IMPACT were flaring too...

----------


## Jaquaia

Well the two weeks of naproxen before my last appointment barely dropped my CRP levels. I saw a copy of the letter the consultant sent my gp in July, so I do need to be on this. I'd psyched myself up to start it today too

----------


## Paula

It sucks. Pure and simple. I truly hope they sort it out before your next gp appt ....

----------


## Jaquaia

I see the rheumatologist again in 3 weeks so hopefully I'll be on it before then! 

Date tonight and a little nervous!!!!

----------


## S deleted

No reason to be. He sounds like a decent lad and I'm sure you'll have a lovely time. DFYT.

----------


## Jaquaia

He does sound lovely and I find it so easy to talk to him on the phone. You know what I'm like though.

----------


## S deleted

Nerves is expected but I'm sure you will have a lovely time.

----------


## Suzi

Do you know where you are going yet? Worked out what you're going to wear yet?

----------


## Paula

I'd have been surprised if you weren't nervous, it's pretty standard for a first date  :): . You are lovely and he's a lucky man!!

----------

S deleted (09-09-17)

----------


## Jaquaia

I've never been on a proper date before so this it all completely new to me! Sad that really!

----------


## S deleted

Erm, yes you have. It was cut short though as I remember

----------


## Jaquaia

That wasn't exactly a proper date  :(blush):

----------


## S deleted

Err, it was supposed to be. I remember you being excited about it. In hindsight I'm wondering if excited is the right word to use.

----------


## OldMike

> I'd have been surprised if you weren't nervous, it's pretty standard for a first date . You are lovely and he's a lucky man!!


I agree with Paula you are beautiful and he's a lucky guy.

----------


## Suzi

So how's it going? How'd it go?

----------


## Jaquaia

It didn't

----------


## Suzi

Why? What happened? What did I miss?

----------


## Paula

What?

----------


## Jaquaia

His car was damaged, bodywork damage and a flat tyre and he's spent half of the day sorting that out.

----------


## Paula

Oh no  :(:

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni! Have you rearranged?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not yet. I'll probably speak to him later.

----------


## Angie

Awww hunni thats a shame xx

----------


## Suzi

Hope you do work something out with him... Have you met him before?

----------


## OldMike

> Not yet. I'll probably speak to him later.


Hope you manage to rearrange another date with him.

----------


## magie06

That's terrible. I hope you can rearrange soon.

----------


## Jaquaia

> Hope you do work something out with him... Have you met him before?


I haven't but we've talked a lot on the phone, and some of you will know that's huge for me! The conversation just flows and feels easy.

----------


## S deleted

I bet it's nice to talk to a sober person for a change lol

----------


## Jaquaia

Haha! It's always fun mate

----------


## Suzi

Any news on a rearrange?

----------


## Jaquaia

Well.......

He's just drove all the way from Grimsby to see me for an hour, to then drive all the way back.  :(blush):  So a man who likes me who I've only spoken to on the phone will drive for almost an hour, and an hour back, just to come and see me, yet the man who said he loved me couldn't manage a 20 minute drive. That speaks volumes to me.

----------


## Paula

YES!!!! *That* is what a decent man will do  :(happy):

----------


## Jaquaia

I can actually imagine you cheering Paula  :(giggle):

----------


## Paula

Oh yes .....  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm seeing him again next Saturday   :(blush):

----------


## Paula

Oooooooo maybe I get to buy a hat  :(rofl):

----------


## S deleted

How did it go?

----------


## Jaquaia

It went really well, he is so lovely!

----------


## Paula

Fanciable?  :O:

----------


## Angie

That is so lovely xx

----------


## S deleted

He might've just redeemed himself. What's the plan for next week?

----------


## Jaquaia

> Fanciable?


Not my usual type but he's pretty cute.  :O: 




> He might've just redeemed himself. What's the plan for next week?


Movie and food!

----------


## Angie

Movie and food sounds good hunni xx

----------


## S deleted

I'm glad he's not your usual type aka a  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: ! He sounds like a decent enough guy. Fingers crossed.

----------


## Jaquaia

Tell me how you really feel!  :(giggle):  :(rofl):

----------


## S deleted

I think you know me well enough by now. You do have a habit of falling for the wrong kinda guys.

----------


## Jaquaia

That is very true! But I like knowing I can count on you to tell me the truth.

----------


## Suzi

To be fair your usual type don't exactly treat you like a princess...... I'm so glad you had a good time!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

He's so easy to talk to and so gentle. I think he would treat me like a proncess.

----------


## Suzi

Hooray!

----------


## Paula

Morning, lovely, how are you doing?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok, still flaring but at least it's not bad. Going to try and take it easy today.

----------

Paula (11-09-17)

----------


## magie06

Good. You need to take it easy every now and again.

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  for the flare hunni. Hope you really are taking it easy.

----------


## Jaquaia

I actually am as a headache isn't helping things.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Has it shifted?

----------


## Jaquaia

No it hasn't, and my hands feel even stiffer. Thinking about it, I haven't drank a lot today so that won't be helping matters. 

Just found out that my dads getting made redundant in January too.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry about your Dad. I know how daunting that is... 

Drink Jaq..

----------


## S deleted

That is crappy news about your old man. Hope they give him a decent payout at least.

----------


## Jaquaia

I won't hold my breath with that company.

----------


## Paula

Oh Jaq, I'm so sorry. It's all being chucked at you at the moment  :(:

----------


## Jaquaia

I feel for my dad. He's going to hate being at home all day.

----------


## Suzi

Doesn't mean he won't get a different one?

----------


## Jaquaia

He's 64 after Christmas. He knows he's goig to struggle

----------


## Angie

Sorry to hear about your dad hunni xx Have you had something to drink ?

----------


## Jaquaia

To be honest, I suck today. I've had one glass of coke and I'm clenching my jaw too which isn't helping. This flare up is getting steadily worse too.

----------


## Angie

:(bear): , can you get another drink even if you sip it slowly xx

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm going to go and try

----------

Angie (11-09-17)

----------


## Paula

Good x

----------


## Suzi

How are you feeling love?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't think I'm doing as well as I thought. The thoughts of hurting myself are gone, but my drinking is sliding, I've not showered in a couple of days and my eating isn't great. Feeling numb a lot.

----------


## S deleted

So you're having a few tough days, that doesn't mean it's all bad. If you know you're slipping and can see the signs you can do something about it. Sometimes the little things need a big effort but you can get through it cos you know by looking after yourself better you will feel better.

----------


## Suzi

Maybe you need to give yourself a break. You are doing really well without the horrible thoughts. Just work on the other things bit by bit lovely.

----------


## Jaquaia

I've forced myself to get a shower so that's one thing off the list.

----------


## S deleted

Feel better for it?

----------


## Jaquaia

A bit better. Still feel exhausted and like I've climbed Everest though and counselling tomorrow.

----------


## S deleted

Hope it's a good session for you.

----------


## Flo

Good luck with the counselling today love. Let's hope that this blip will pass soon. :(bear):

----------


## Suzi

Hope it's a good session at counselling lovely and that the flare is ending for you x

----------


## Jaquaia

Still flaring but I can live with it. I had such a bad nights sleep that I didn't wake up until 5 minutes before I was due at my appointment. It's rearranged for next Wednesday now. And then it's that time of the month too so stomach ache and feel grumpy on top of can't be bothered!  :(think):

----------


## S deleted

3 in row!!! My you are getting regular lol

----------


## Jarre

:Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (13-09-17)

----------


## Suzi

I send buckets of sympathy lovely....

----------

Jaquaia (13-09-17)

----------


## Jaquaia

> 3 in row!!! My you are getting regular lol


I know! I'm not used to it!!!

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh ffs!!! Can I have be given a break please? My mum has had her MR refused. Guess who sorting the appeal will fall to  :=(:

----------


## Paula

Sweetheart, get support from fightback or Citizen's Advice. You shouldn't have to deal with this on your own  :(bear):

----------


## Suzi

Absolutely get help.... Have you been through the appeal process before?

----------


## Jaquaia

I haven't. Not looking forward to it.

----------


## Paula

One thing to remember is that the tribunal is made up of independent experts who are not biased towards DWP.

----------


## Jaquaia

Well there will be no giving anyone the finger today! Or even a thumbs up, as I'm still flaring. Just spent an hour at the OTs with my mum and she's got various hand splints to try. Got some housework to do today and get the rents packed up to go tomorrow (FREEDOM!!!  :(giggle): ) and will research the appeal process over the weekend.

----------


## Suzi

I've been through it twice (one for esa and one for pip) for Marc, if I can help at all - shout. 

Sorry you're still flaring - any sign of being able to start methotrexate yet?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm trying to get through to the doctors to check.

----------


## Suzi

Good luck - took me over an hour to sort fracture clinic for Hazel....

----------


## Jaquaia

The letter has finally arrived with the doctors surgery except rheumatology have forgotten to mention if my chest xray was clear  :(:  The secretary is printing it out and putting it in the doctors tray for him to look at. Fingers crossed I get sorted out now as I'm back in clinic in 3 weeks!

----------


## S deleted

Don't cross your finger cos that'll hurt

----------


## Suzi

Hope so lovely x

----------


## Angie

Hope that your sorted for your meds soon hunni

----------


## Jaquaia

Got to ring back tomorrow to see if they've done me a prescription.

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing hunni?

----------


## Jaquaia

Still flaring but home alone for the weekend so woohoo! Don't get me wrong, I love my parents to bits but it's nice to have some me time

----------


## Paula

What's your plans?

----------


## Jaquaia

Got a friend coming round for a brew today. Not sure about the rest of the weekend yet

----------


## S deleted

Orgy? Lol

----------


## Jaquaia

Was still telling my mum that last night! She was not amused  :(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're having a lovely weekend alone!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Well I've had a lovely afternoon with my friend J, I think it's done him some good too as he's been having a tough time lately. Just vegging on the couch now watching Pitch Perfect. Wrist is still flaring like a bitch though.

----------


## Suzi

Awesome movie choice! So glad you're having a good time hunni. Bugger about the wrist- try biofreeze it sort of helps - but only the spray.

----------


## Paula

I love pitch perfect but still can't watch 'that' secene  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

'That' scene is gross!  :X:  

I've got anti-inflammatories in and will try and get the methotrexate sorted on Monday.

----------

Paula (15-09-17)

----------


## S deleted

Haha you bunch of lightweights. Pitch perfect is an amazing movie. I absolutely love it. The second movie was only saved by Rebel Wilson who it so funny. You've gotta love fat Amy

----------


## Jaquaia

I still watch it!  The only scene I can't actually watch is the opening scene of Godzilla with Matthew Broderick and the worns

----------


## S deleted

The start of Ace Ventura I can't watch cos of my fear of heights. Sad I know but it freaks me out

----------


## Suzi

I aspire to be as confident as Fat Amy  :O:  

How you doing gorgeous Jaq?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok. Having a quiet day watching films.

----------


## Paula

Doing anything tonight?

----------


## Suzi

That sounds heavenly!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not sure yet Paula, a friend has messaged me asking if I fancy a coffee. Think he needs a shoulder but he's not revealing much

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're having a lovely time and are looking after you.

----------


## Jaquaia

He's had me in stitches. My face is aching I've laughed so much

----------


## Suzi

Good! So pleased!

----------


## Paula

Fab!!

----------


## OldMike

That's great Jaq  :):

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

Having a quiet night tonight. Have a lot of stuff going round my head that I'm trying to figure out.

----------


## Suzi

Not sure that sounds good lovely...

----------


## Jaquaia

Just questioning some of my behaviour lately.

----------


## Paula

Want to run it past us?

----------


## Suzi

> Just questioning some of my behaviour lately.


Which bits? Wanna talk about it?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not sure where to begin really

----------


## Suzi

Wherever it starts to flow from....

----------


## Jaquaia

So my ex from 10 years ago has got in touch and dickhead texted me today to tell me he still loves me and wants to try again. Just when I was starting to get my head untangled.

----------


## Paula

Sweetheart, you don't have to allow them to have room in your head. Just because they get in touch does not give them any right over your life now. The best thing to do, I think, is to ignore them and not let them have any of your time.

----------


## Jaquaia

If I'm honest, I don't think I'm doing as well as I thought I was and this was just stuff on top that I didn't need. I've barely drank this weekend, not eaten properly at all and not got up to anything healthy really.

----------


## Suzi

You should just send back "no thanks" and move on... 
Why haven't you eaten and drunk properly? When are your parents home?

----------


## Jaquaia

I couldn't be bothered, which should be a red flag for me. Parents got back last night so I did eat properly then.

Just spoke to a receptionist at my gps. They only got the shared care bit from the rheumatologist yesterday!  Ffs! This is ridiculous! I need to start this medication. I'm in a massive flare up at the moment, the pain in my wrist actually woke me up last night! I'm back in clinic in 2 weeks time and it's looking like I might have managed 1 week on the methotrexate when I should have been on it a month. Absolutely ridiculous!!!

----------


## Suzi

Ok so now they have it, when can you start it?

----------


## Jaquaia

No idea! It's with the doctor and he hasn't seen it yet! They'll contact me when he's had chance to look at it

----------


## Suzi

Any news?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not a dickie bird. Someone is really failing in my care

----------


## S deleted

Or several someone's

----------


## Suzi

Can you get an appointment and make someone listen?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm here for my yearly review with the weightwise team so will speak to the receptionist afterwards

----------


## Suzi

Hope it goes well lovely!

----------


## Jaquaia

2lbs down on a year ago but up from when I last weighed, but considering how much crap I ate when my period was due I'm not really surprised. Lost about 4 cm around my waist too.

And the fecking dr still hasn't looked at the stuff from my rheumatologist!

----------


## Suzi

Well done on the losses!

Call your dr and demand an appointment to sort it out!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm just writing today off

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

Just spoken to the doctor. They've finally sorted the meds out! About bloody time!

----------


## S deleted

Woohoo!

----------


## Suzi

Yay! So when do you get them? Have you asked for anti sickness too? I know my friend struggles without it..

----------


## Jaquaia

Grabbing them tomorrow and been put on folic acid too. 6 bloody tablets going up to 8 after 2 weeks if my bloods are ok. 

Not having a great day today, and as a result I'm slightly tipsy.

----------


## Suzi

How are you feeling today lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not great. Hands are sore, both shoulders are flaring and I'm feeling pretty numb today. I know it's counselling hangover though. I finally brought up my attacks.

----------


## magie06

Be kind to yourself today then. Take a short walk, take a bath, treat your skin to a treatment, those kind of things.

----------


## Suzi

Wow that's huge Jaq. It's really hard when you have to start talking about things like that... Much love  :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

I finally brought up my recent behaviour with her and it just came out. 

Not being helped today by fatigue kicking my arse either.

----------


## Suzi

I'm so proud of you for talking about it all. I know how hard it is. Are you OK?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm struggling and the flare up and fatigue really isn't helping matters. And I know it's something I still need to talk about as I'm back in the mindset of it must have been my fault.

----------


## Suzi

IT certainly wasn't your fault...  :(bear):  :(bear):

----------


## S deleted

How was it your fault? Do you think that your current behaviour is linked to your history?

----------


## Jaquaia

I think the usual, I should have done more to stop them, I should have fought them off. Logically I know that it wasn't my fault but those thoughts are there at the back of my mind. My current behaviour, I wonder if it's a way to get rid of the numbness, or is it a way of taking power back as this is my choice. I haven't had the power to chose taken away from me itms? Or am I just finally shedding other peoples standards and establishing my own.

----------


## S deleted

You sure know how to answer a question with a question lol. I know there's no easy answer to that one but I know my experiences have shaped me. How do you feel about your recent behaviour? You said before you had concerns? Maybe you need to slow down a bit?

----------


## Jaquaia

I dunno. It's weird but something feels a bit off. I don't know what it is but I'm having fun and it's liberating. I don't know. It could be my inability to completely relax or it could be the values I was raised with whispering at me.

----------


## S deleted

I've said it before but I am a bit jealous of your confidence to get out there and enjoy yourself. I sometimes wish I could just let go but I'm too scared.

----------


## Jaquaia

I wouldn't say confidence, more like  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  to what anyone says or thinks. I'm pushing myself out of my comfort zone.

----------


## S deleted

Exactly. You're pushing your boundaries which makes me so damned proud of you, but what is confidence if it's not saying  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  to what others think or say?

----------


## Suzi

I'm also amazed by you. Are you concerned about you recently getting out, meeting people and living?

----------


## Jaquaia

It's more then that but I'll put it on my other thread.

----------


## Suzi

How are you today lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok. Spent an hour or so just chilling with my friend J this morning so in a better frame of mind. Plus he's good at giving hugs  :):

----------


## Suzi

So glad you got out to meet a friend lovely x

----------


## Jaquaia

Not sure what possessed me today but I agreed to meet a friend for a coffee today. In town. On a saturday! Exhausted now

----------


## S deleted

Fair play to ya.

----------


## Suzi

Well done love! That's quite an achievement! I hate going into town on a Saturday!

----------


## Jaquaia

Started the methotrexate today. I'd keep my fingers crossed that they don't make me ill but I can't physically cross them.

----------


## Suzi

Did you get the anti sickness meds too? 
I really hope they help love x

----------


## Jaquaia

Just folic acid. Will see how I go and if it's a problem then ai'm back in clinic next week.

----------


## Jaquaia

It's not been a good day. Other then a bowl of cereal I've struggled to eat anything other than dry crackers and sip water. I forced down some scrambled egg on toast for my tea but feel even more nauseous. On top of that I've had a blip and ended up sat crying this morning! So yeah, it's been fun.

----------


## S deleted

What was the cause of the tears?

----------


## Jaquaia

Feeling lonely.

----------


## S deleted

I know that one all too well at the moment.

----------


## Suzi

My friend Anna struggles to eat on methotrexate day too. She finds things like belvita biscuits and rice cakes are good.
Sorry you're feeling lonely hunni x Hope you're feeling at least a little brighter today...

----------


## Jaquaia

I am. My friend J popped round to see me, I think he could tell I wasn't good yesterday, and he's good with hugs!

----------


## magie06

My sister was on methotrexate for her arthritis from January till her last review in June and she couldn't take it. It was too difficult on her stomach. I don't know what she's taking instead, but I do know that she is have dreadful pains in her hips.

----------


## Jaquaia

Well I've managed breakfast and back on dry crackers now. Thankfully, t'internet says the side effects reduce as it builds up in your system so hoping for that.

----------


## S deleted

I'll cross my fingers for you seeing as you can't

----------


## Jaquaia

Ta mate! That's what friends are for!  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

How you doing love?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not too bad but the nausea is still there, just not as bad

----------


## Suzi

Glad it's not as bad lovely. Have you managed to eat at all today? What about resting?

----------


## Jaquaia

My eating hasn't been great but I've managed a little bit.

----------


## Suzi

And resting? Are you taking proper and gentle care of you?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm trying to.

----------


## Suzi

That doesn't sound as if you are...... Sweetheart I'm worried about you. Have you got support for you through this?

----------


## Jaquaia

To borrow a phrase from J, it's like medical top trumps. Every time I say my hands hurt, my mums hurt so much more, so I just give up saying anything, crack on with it and rest when I can.

----------


## Suzi

I can relate to that so much. Maybe you could try talking to us about it?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't really know what to say about it. I'm used to just having to get on with it, I have had to do that since the pain first started.

----------


## magie06

How are you doing today? I noticed that you were around very late last night and very early this morning. Are you getting any sleep?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not sleeping well. I often wake up several times during the night but it's been worse over the past few nights. I'm even turning on a blue light filter on my phone so it doesn't fool my body into thinking it's daylight and that's not really helped, although that's early days using that.

----------


## Suzi

> I don't really know what to say about it. I'm used to just having to get on with it, I have had to do that since the pain first started.


I completely understand this. I've always had pain and was quite often told I was making it up when I was growing up - strange now that my Mum has decided that she's in so much pain constantly that she needs to tell me how badly she hurts and that I am the only who can understand that............. but her's is much, much worse than mine obviously....... *gently squishes Jaq*



> I'm not sleeping well. I often wake up several times during the night but it's been worse over the past few nights. I'm even turning on a blue light filter on my phone so it doesn't fool my body into thinking it's daylight and that's not really helped, although that's early days using that.


Again I sympathise. My sleep is horrendous atm. What's your sleep hygiene like? Can you try to make a bedtime, shower/bath then bed with a warm milk or something?

----------


## magie06

I understand where you are coming from wits regards to sleep. My own pattern is gone to pieces at the moment. I get about 2 hours together and then I'm awake for an hour. I try to clear my mind when this happens but it doesn't always work.

----------


## Jaquaia

I tend to get a shower around 8pm then just relax in my room with the radio on. 

My mums just asked me how my hands are today and I just told her they weren't too bad, no point saying they're really stiff and my movement is restricted as all I'll get is how bad hers are, and I was right as her next sentence was "it's just me having a bad flare up then". No mother, it's not, but the difference is I actually try and help myself.

----------


## Suzi

I think most people I know with inflammatory problems are having flares atm... *Sends more squishy hugs* 
Can you be kind to you today?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm trying to be. Spent almost an hour on the phone with J this afternoon, he had his first counselling session and wanted to make sure he was ok afterwards, we ended up just having a general natter and a giggle and I think we both put the phone down feeling brighter. Other then that, I've sorted the shopping out and put it all away and started a book J lent me.

----------


## S deleted

What's the book?

----------


## Jaquaia

It's actually about trains  :(nerd):

----------


## S deleted

Oh great. Another train enthusiast lol

----------


## Suzi

Trains? 
Glad you had a really good time chatting to J  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

It's about the Talyllyn Railway in Wales and it smells amazing!!! And yes, I realise how weird that sounds, it looked even weirder when he handed the book over and I started sniffing it  :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

Does it smell like steam trains?

----------


## Jaquaia

It smells like old books!!! My favourite smell in the whole world

----------


## Suzi

I love that smell!

----------


## Jaquaia

Not having a great day today, I'm irritable and very agitated and trying so hard not to fiddle with my hands as they're flaring today.

----------


## S deleted

Anything happened to cause it?

----------


## Suzi

I thought you were a bit quiet... 
Could it be hormonal?  :Panda:  for the flare....

----------


## Jaquaia

Not hormonal, was only on 2 weeks ago. Think I'm just having a blip. Had Scarlett cuddles though.

----------


## Paula

Hey lovely, just sending gentle hugs  :(bear):

----------

Jaquaia (28-09-17)

----------


## Suzi

Aw sweetheart  :(bear):  :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

Just feeling like I'm back to square one tonight. It will pass

----------


## Suzi

You are so much further than step one love. How are you feeling today?

----------


## OldMike

I'm sending you much love and hugs Jaq  :(bear):   :Panda:   :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

So so. Having a pretty bad flare up today. Only just managed to shower, getting dressed is the next challenge! And it hurts to swallow but only at the back on the right side, so dunno if it's wisdom teeth or my salivary gland is inflamed.

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni... Can you drink more?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm trying to.

----------


## S deleted

Don’t make me come and examine your pee lol

----------


## Suzi

*Tries to remove that image of Stella examining Jaq's pee from my head*

Hope you're feeling a little brighter lovely.

----------


## Jaquaia

J popped round when he finished work so spent an hour or so having a giggle with him, so feeling a bit brighter. He was struggling following counselling on weds and he knew I've been struggling so we support each other. Sometimes it helps to just have someone to physically give you a hug.

----------


## S deleted

You guys are spending a lot of time together lately.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm being very careful to keep things as just friends. 

Should be out next friday with G and Matt but Matt has put his back out and G can be a bit full on so may give that a miss, unless his missus is out too!

----------


## Paula

Why? Not that Im saying its wrong to protect your friendship, but what are your reasons?

----------


## Jaquaia

He is married.

----------


## Suzi

Ahh, then it's a good idea to keep as friends...

----------


## Paula

Fair enough ,)

----------


## Jaquaia

Can I stay in bed next week please? Not looking forward to it at all. Got blood tests with my mum on monday morning and it's methotrexate day, I'm back at rheumatology clinic on tuesday, I see Doug, my new dietician, on weds, followed swiftly by my own blood tests being done and then counselling, all before 12! And my mum is at physio on thursday. In between all that I need to go to the vets for Talia's worming tablet as I keep forgetting it, try and do some housework and somehow fit some resting in.

----------


## Suzi

Yuk! What a horrible week! Any chance your Mum could go on her own for bloods?

----------


## Jaquaia

She's said that she's not going to wake me up to go with her, so that's something at least.

----------


## Suzi

I think maybe that might be for the best - maybe you need to focus on you a little?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't really know how to do that. There's always something that needs doing that my mum can't do.

----------


## Paula

How much of those things that need doing would really suffer by you just taking a day off from doing?

----------


## Jaquaia

I keep putting them off as it is and they're bugging me.

----------


## Suzi

I get that, but sometimes it's more important to rest, maybe watch a movie? Have a long bath or sit and read and knit or something or just go out and wander in a park or sit in a cafe with a coffee and watch the world go by...

----------


## OldMike

As Suzi says resting can be more important than struggling to get all your jobs done.  :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

I have been reading a fair bit but struggling to focus properly. Have 3 books on the go at the moment, and I need to finish my mums scarf. I have started getting into radio comedies though.

----------


## Suzi

Why 3 on the go at once?

----------


## Jaquaia

I started the sequel to Flowers in the Attic and lost my concentration so put it down. Then the book I pre-ordered arrived and I was excited about it so I started that but couldn't focus. So I started the book that J lent me.

----------


## Suzi

Lol! Which one's your favourite so far??

----------


## Jaquaia

The one I pre-ordered as she's my favourite author. But then J's book smells so good....

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  i love old book smell!

----------


## Jaquaia

Methotrexate day. Woohoo  :(:

----------


## Paula

Is it starting to help though?

----------


## OldMike

How often do you take Methotrexate because from your previous post it doesn't look like you take it everyday?

 :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

Once a week Mike.

I don't know Paula, I had such a carry on trying to get hold of the prescription that it's only my second dose.

----------


## Suzi

How are you feeling love?

----------


## Jaquaia

Sick. Been eating dry crackers most of the day the went to sleep for an hour as I don't feel sick when I'm asleep.

----------


## Paula

Huge, gentle hugs x

----------

Jaquaia (02-10-17)

----------


## Suzi

Did you get an anti emetic from the Dr? my friend A Swears by it. She can't tolerate the methotrexate without it..

----------


## Jaquaia

I didn't. I'm not doing too bad really. And I can handle the nausea if it actually works.

----------


## Suzi

Why make it harder? Might be worth talking to them about love?

----------


## Jaquaia

I see my rheumatologist tomorrow so I'll mention it

----------


## Paula

Suzis right, theres absolutely no sense in being a martyr to this  :(bear):

----------


## Suzi

Hope it goes well with the rhuematologist.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm there at 3 so parking will be fun!!! Especially as I'm feeling a little on edge today.

----------


## S deleted

Hey you don't have to worry about parking the car. Get ya mum to drop you of at the door and call her when you're out to come and get you again. I'm sure she can treat herself to a coffee somewhere while waiting

----------


## Jaquaia

I generally do that but she flaps about getting parked and it winds me up.

----------


## Suzi

How did it go?

----------


## Jaquaia

Waste of time. They needed me to be on the medication for a good month or so before seeing me again. And I forgot to mention the anti-emetic as my mum started stressing me out about the parking.

----------


## Suzi

Can you call tomorrow about the anti emetic? Have they booked you another appointment for in a couple of weeks?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'll get an appointment in the post but if I struggle, as it's not that bad this week, I will see my gp

----------


## Paula

I hope you explained that the reason you havent been on it for a month is because they fart arsed about getting the letter to your GP?? Well done, hunni

----------


## Jaquaia

I did. I saw the specialist nurse and she's said it would have been sent out pretty quick. Usual really, blame each other

----------


## Suzi

How are you today lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

Stressed! Had one of those mornings

----------


## S deleted

Snap!

----------


## magie06

Is today any easier for you?

----------


## Suzi

Hope your day brightened up lovely.

----------


## Paula

Whats up, gorgeous?

----------


## Jaquaia

Dietician was running late so my appointment started 10 mins late. Told him at 5 past 9 I had to be wary of time as I had bloods at quarter past. He wouldn't stop talking then at 25 past went to go get the scales. Argh!!!! Finally got out at 25 to and had to go rebook and apologise for missing my appointment. Except they managed to fit me in and cornered me for my flu jab too! Then I had counselling which has hammered me today. I came home, ate, escaped to my room and promptly started crying. I was so exhausted I fell asleep.

----------


## S deleted

Sleep is the best thing for healing the mind body and soul.

----------


## Suzi

Oh angel  :(bear):  :(bear):  :(bear):

----------


## Paula

Just one of those would have floored me. Rest now, hunni, you need it  :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm currently psyching myself up to get into my pjs but I can hardly move my thumb without a huge amount of pain. Anyway, J had counselling today too and is struggling so we're meeting for lunch tomorrow for hugs, mutual support and general silliness

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------


## Suzi

How are you today gorgeous?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm pretty good thanks. Had a nice, relaxing lunch in town with J. It's a good job he's in the office on his own as time seems to fly when we get together!

----------

Suzi (05-10-17)

----------


## OldMike

> I'm pretty good thanks. Had a nice, relaxing lunch in town with J. It's a good job he's in the office on his own as time seems to fly when we get together!


Jaq you & J  must really get on well together as they say time flies when you're having fun.

----------


## Jaquaia

We have quickly become thick as thieves. It only felt like we'd been talking for 20 minutes, it ended up being almost 2 hours!

----------


## Suzi

So pleased for you!

----------


## Jaquaia

I was talking to J last night as I was sorting my mums meds, I know I know! It's a miracle I haven't bored him yet!!! And I ended up blurting something out, I can't even remember what it was now, I know it was something very self-deprecating. Just after he went to bed I needed to open a seal on her CD drugs so I picked up a knife, and I have to confess that it was like a switch was flicked and I completely detached. I ended up dragging it across my arm and although I was aware, it felt like I was watching someone else do it itms??? I haven't cut myself, I'm too much of a coward to actually do something that involves pain, there's just a faint pink scratch there, I just thought I had got past this stage  :(:

----------


## magie06

:(bear):  :Panda:  :Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (06-10-17)

----------


## Paula

Unfortunately, that stage does try to rear its head intermittently, in my experience. If being a coward (aka sensible) keeps you from hurting yourself, long may being a coward last!

----------

Jaquaia (06-10-17)

----------


## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (06-10-17)

----------


## Jaquaia

J texted me this morning to check how I was and I was honest with him so he came to see me after work. He gives excellent hugs!

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni... I'm glad you didn't hurt yourself, and I'm really glad you've talked to us about it.

----------

Jaquaia (06-10-17)

----------


## Jaquaia

My friend Rob has pointed out that I clam up when I'm struggling and it's a habit I really need to get out of. J has made me promise to ring him too if things get like they did last night. Having a friend locally is huge for me and to have one who is so supportive is making such a difference.

----------

Paula (06-10-17),Suzi (07-10-17)

----------


## Jaquaia

Why try? Why bother trying to get my life in order? Everything always turns to  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: . What did I ever do to anyone to deserve all the crap that is thrown at me?

----------


## Suzi

Woah, what's happened?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've got a court summons through for more then £1800 for something dickhead assured me he had sorted and gotten written off while we were still together. I texted him about it and all I got was "you were there, you heard them say they would write it off". No offer to help pay or anything. I've blown up, called him a parasite and blocked every way of getting in touch that he has and promptly had a meltdown, except I decided to hoover the hallway rather then hurt myself.

----------


## S deleted

Oh mate you have my sympathy. I’m still paying off debts from my ex too. Parasite is pretty much accurate.

----------


## Paula

Talk to Citizens Advice. Theyll be able to support you

----------


## Suzi

Definitely talk to the CAB, they should be able to help you so you don't have to deal with it...

----------


## Jaquaia

I'd gone into hiding again. I do that when I'm struggling I've noticed. A lot of old feelings are being dragged up this week that I would rather stay buried.

----------


## Paula

Very huge, gentle hugs  :Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (12-10-17)

----------


## S deleted

So instead of burying them why not let them out? Maybe they will be gone for good that way or at least less of a problem.

----------


## Jaquaia

It's an old problem. Talking about it doesn't seem to help much. I know that I've spoken about it here before. I just wish I could stop giving others words the power to hurt me.

----------


## S deleted

Old problem?

----------


## Suzi

Talk to us lovely x

----------


## OldMike

> It's an old problem. Talking about it doesn't seem to help much. I know that I've spoken about it here before. I just wish I could stop giving others words the power to hurt me.


Jaq get on the phone to Stella, Suzi or Paula, I'm sure they will be happy to lend a listening ear and proffer some helpful advice on the other hand if you want to chat to an ancient old fart I'm here  :(giggle):

----------

Suzi (13-10-17)

----------


## Jaquaia

And now I've got the council on my back for the rest of the council tax as he's paid nothing

----------


## Suzi

Have you had any help with dealing with it? From the CAB?

----------


## Jaquaia

It's on my to do list. I'm just a bit overwhelmed at the moment.

----------


## Suzi

Then talk - give us a list of the issues, maybe we can help?

----------


## Jaquaia

What a bloody day! Had to go and get a new tyre for the car today as my mum had a flat yesterday. Pretty straight forward really as I booked it online last night, or so I thought. Get out to the car so see the back tyre is flat too. Fabulous. Blow that back up, go to the tyre place and mention it. They give the options of ordering another tyre in or repairing it, except discover they can't repair it as some little  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  has stabbed the sidewall. So back tomorrow for another new tyre. And then I was supposed to be hanging out with J this afternoon as he's not been doing well but he had something pop up last minute so had to cancel. So I'm a little worried about him now too. Just feeling a bit stressed and grumpy.

And then when I got home I realised that as I was bent over looking at the tyre when the guy was showing me the hole, he was getting quite an eyeful from me!!!  :(blush):  :(rofl):

----------


## S deleted

Staring at these bad boys will make him go blind lol

----------


## Paula

Good to see you, hunni

----------


## Suzi

Hey babe, that sounds like a pita job! Bet he thought all his Christmases had come at once!

----------


## Jaquaia

I feel like I could bounce off walls tonight!

----------


## Paula

Any easier this morning?

----------


## Jaquaia

Seems to be. I ended up taking a diazepam as with the extra energy and racing thoughts there was no way I was sleeping!

----------


## Suzi

How's your day been lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not great. My mood is pretty low today. Trying to sort out in my room but it's going so slowly as I have so little energy.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry you're feeling crap lovely. Can you try to be kind to yourself?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm never too good at that but I get to hang out with J for a bit tomorrow afternoon and I know he'll be generous with the hugs.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know what's wrong with me this week. I'm starting to get agitated again. I'm fed up of the mood swings.

----------


## Suzi

When are you due at the drs again? Is it cycle based? 

Have you started talking more about what was bothering you the other week?

----------


## Jaquaia

Nope. I've buried it again. 

I haven't actually got another one as I seemed to be stable when I last saw the dr

----------


## Suzi

OK can you get one? 

Can I ask why you buried it rather than spoke to us about it?

----------


## Paula

Burying it is not going to make it go away. Anything buried just rots.... inside you

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know how to talk about it at the moment without breaking down.

----------


## S deleted

Maybe that’s what you need?

----------


## Suzi

I'm not going to try to make you talk about something you don't want to, but I do know that not talking about something doesn't make it better, it just festers and infects everything inside you....

----------


## OldMike

I can only echo what Suzi, Paula and Stella have said, maybe if you talked about it in the women's area rather than the public area it may help.

Take care Jaq  :(bear):   :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

I've talked to J about it recently. And he's provided the hugs today, think we both needed them.

I'm actually in a really good place today  :):

----------


## Suzi

Glad you are talking about it and getting love and support for it lovely. 

Hoorah for being in a good place!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm even in a fantastic mood today! I actually feel happy at the moment though I know I do need to bring up the mood swings with the doctor.

----------


## Suzi

That's quite a pendulum swing of a moodswing love... Please keep notes about it so you can prove it properly with your Dr.

----------


## Jaquaia

I know why I'm feeling happy so it's not so much of a mood swing as there is a reason for it  :):

----------


## Paula

Stop with the cryptic statements already  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I've twinged something in my groin and my wrist is flaring. Still feeling great though!!!  :):  might be a different story after counselling tomorrow though.

----------


## Suzi

So what's the reason?

----------


## Jaquaia

It's just cool to hang out with someone I can be myself with. It's so rare I get to do it and it makes me so much more relaxed for a few days after.

----------


## Suzi

That is cool, but you seem a bit more cryptic than normal...

----------


## Paula

^^^wss

----------


## Jaquaia

So far, today has been a day of highs and lows. Woke up feeling great, crashed at my weightwise appointment to the point of tears, though to be fair, pretty much being told that you're not losing enough so they might have to look at discharging you felt like a slap in the face, and felt great again after counselling!!!

----------


## Jaquaia

And just read my appointment notes and she's conveniently missed out any mention of discharge!!!

----------


## Paula

Counselling was positive then?

----------


## Jaquaia

Counselling was really positive. I'm just a little annoyed and upset by the weightwise appointment, to the extent I'm contemplating ringing up and requesting to see someone else.

----------


## Suzi

That's a horrible session at weightwise! How much are you "meant" to be losing? How far off target with this are you? 

Glad counselling went OK lovely.

----------


## Jaquaia

I've never been set a weight target. Mark always told me the aim was to help me build the foundations to allow me to continue on my own once I leave the programme. I went in today feeling positive as my jeans are fitting better, I'm having less back pain and managing to walk further and left feeling like an absolute failure and a naughty child.

----------


## Suzi

I hope you have put in a comment regarding that. You don't need that kind of negativity when you're dieting!

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm thinking about ringing and asking if there is someone else I can see. J has offered to go walking with me to help as he could tell I was upset about it

----------


## Suzi

I'd do both!

----------


## OldMike

> I've never been set a weight target. Mark always told me the aim was to help me build the foundations to allow me to continue on my own once I leave the programme. I went in today feeling positive as my jeans are fitting better, I'm having less back pain and managing to walk further and left feeling like an absolute failure and a naughty child.


Jaq you've less back pain and are walking further you should be praised for you achievements and NOT made to feel like a naughty child.

It's a case of small steps and getting things moving in the right direction which they are, you were right to feel positive about what you've achieved, I'm proud of you Jaq  :(bear):

----------

Jaquaia (26-10-17),Suzi (26-10-17)

----------


## Paula

Hi Hunni, you ok?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm ok. Have done a decent amount of the ironing today. Tonight will be a shower and chill and tomorrow I'm meeting J for lunch. My moods are a bit all over the place at the moment and I did actually mention it to my counsellor and she's also told me to keep a mood diary.

----------


## Suzi

Have you rested too? How much ironing have you done? Can you get some rest tonight? Sounds like a good day tomorrow hunni, but please do keep that mood diary hunni..

----------


## Jaquaia

About 40 or so tops. I have just been resting tonight. I'm not having as many flare ups so it feels like the methotrexate is having an effect. I definitely do need to do it as my moods feel so unstable.

----------


## Paula

Thats fab about the methotrexate, long may it continue  :):

----------


## Suzi

Glad that the methotrexate is helping. I know it's helped my friend loads.

----------


## Jaquaia

Putting this here as I know what I'm like and I need to remember. Woke up feeling quite happy and content but over the last hour or so my mood has started sliding very quickly. I'm now feeling pretty agitated and on edge and like I can't sit still. I'm getting pretty short tempered too.

----------


## Paula

A good place to put a mood diary. Do you know why this has happened today?

----------


## Jaquaia

I have no idea. Had the house to myself for a few hours too so it's not like people have been in annoying me, I just feel like I could bounce off walls now and have for a few hours

----------


## Suzi

Anything different which could account for the mood swings?

----------


## Paula

Stupid question, Im sorry, but did you take all your meds? Eaten? Drinking?

----------


## Jaquaia

Nothing at all. Actually been pretty happy and content just lately and had a lovely afternoon with J yesterday so it's weird!




> Stupid question, Im sorry, but did you take all your meds? Eaten? Drinking?


Yep! I'm being a good girl.

----------


## Suzi

Glad you're doing all the things you should be. Could it just be spending time with J? (is it platonic or romantic?)

----------


## Jaquaia

You mean causing the mood swing?

----------


## Suzi

Yup, and causing you to be happier....

----------


## Jaquaia

No, I feel really calm and peaceful around him. He does make me feel happier, I hadn't realised just how lonely I had been, but it's awesome having a friend I can spend actual physical time with. It makes me feel like less of a social leper. Plus, these mood swings have been going on longer then we've been hanging out.

----------


## Suzi

True, but either you're not mentioning them as much or they appear to have lessend a bit?

----------


## Jaquaia

Probably more the first as I've not been around as much as normal. That and the meds are taking the edge off I think.

----------


## Suzi

Glad the meds are taking the edge of love. I'm thrilled you've got some good friends  too... xxx

----------


## Angie

Wss^ xx

----------


## Paula

I apologise in advance constantly asking how your mood is for a few days/weeks  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

:(rofl):  ask away! I know you only do it because you care  :Kiss:

----------


## Suzi

So... how're you feeling babe?

----------

Paula (29-10-17)

----------


## Jaquaia

Clean!  :(rofl): 

I'm actually feeling pretty good at the moment! Things feel like they're looking up and even if it may take a while to get where I want to be, I'm feeling positive for the first time in ages. Although there is a strong urge to spend.

----------


## Paula

Really good to hear  :):  :):

----------


## Angie

That is brilliant to hear hunni x

----------


## Suzi

Keep a check on the spending, but that's brilliant to hear lovely!

----------


## Jaquaia

OHMYGOD!!!! Stereophonics new album came through the door and it's all signed which means they all touched it!!!!! KELLY JONES TOUCHED MY CD!!!!!!!!!

----------


## Suzi

ROFL! Glad it's made you smile! 

Question - I don't think I saw you answer whether things with J is romantic or platonic...

----------


## Jaquaia

Ok. Not exactly feeling myself today. Feeling quite giddy, I'm in quite a strange mood, being a bit of a smart arse and just found out my brother is in a new relationship because I overheard my mum congratulating him and even though I'm making a joke of it I actually feel quite hurt because yet again, I'm the last to know. An afterthought as usual.

----------


## Suzi

I'm always the last to know, so I sympathise.  :Panda:   :Panda:  
Giddy? Have you mentioned it to the Dr? Are you eating and drinking enough?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've been eating and drinking a lot better. I've put my mood to good use though and finished all the ironing. Going to dig out a writing pad and get it all wrote down.

----------


## Paula

That sounds like a plan, lovely. Big hugs

----------


## Suzi

Absolutely get it all written down love. You're amazing.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm just me

----------


## Suzi

Which is pretty flipping totes amazeballs if you ask me.... (7 tween/teen girls with stupid american tv shows/parody songs/youtube)

----------


## Jaquaia

Happy, content and hopeful today. That I can live with.

----------


## Suzi

Good!  :):

----------


## Angie

Thats made me  :):

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

Really good! I've decided I'm going to go camp out in Costa tomorrow and do some writing!

----------

S deleted (02-11-17)

----------


## Paula

Thats fab!

----------


## Suzi

Awesome. Are you doing NaNoWriMo?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not exactly, I'm going to use it to get me into the habit of writing again though.

----------


## Suzi

Awesome! I wanted to Nano this year, but I  haven't got time to do it properly....  Diary of a forum owner and tours of nhs packing and dressing experiences sounds a bit dull lol

----------


## Jaquaia

So camping out in Costa writing turned into lunch with a friend! Not that I'm complaining, it was fun!  :):

----------


## Suzi

Hooray!

----------


## Paula

Sounds fab!

----------


## Jaquaia

Would it be bad to go camp out in Costa on monday just for the gluten free brownie?

----------


## Suzi

Nope!

----------


## Jaquaia

That's monday sorted then! Brownie and black forest hot choc

----------


## Suzi

OO that sounds lovely!

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh it is! Hot chocolate with a blackberry syrup topped with cream and cherry sauce  :(inlove):

----------


## Suzi

Nom!  :):

----------


## Paula

Oh my .......!

----------


## magie06

That sounds delicious. Are you doing anything today?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've just been relaxing and done a bit of writing. Have dosed the dog up with chill drops and just waiting for it to kick in as she's terrified  :(:

----------


## OldMike

> Oh it is! Hot chocolate with a blackberry syrup topped with cream and cherry sauce


Wow hot choc with cream, blackberry and cherry sauce sounds delicious.  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Costa Mike if you have one near you! It's part of their christmas menu!

----------


## Jaquaia

Ok. This has been bugging me for a while now and is starting to bother me more and more.

So you will all have realised I've started actually going out for fun rather then appointments. Great company and time to relax and it's doing me the world of good. I'm even writing again! But the problem is my mum. I told her over the weekend I would be out today and got the "and what happens if I need you?" line. She asked if I was meeting J for lunch on Friday, when I said probably she made a fuss about having to go to her appointment on her own. It's in the bloody morning!!! And when I did leave today she was very obviously in a bad mood and very short with me. J usually stays for an hour when he drops me off and we usually just chill and watch Game of Thrones, and he'll sometimes pop and see me other days. Then I always get "so I'm going for your dad on my own then?" 

Am I not allowed a social life??? I'm only out for 4 hours!!! And every time I go out it feels like I get a guilt trip. I've explained how it makes me feel, apart from the she makes me feel like  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  part, yet that then gets twisted as it's me not being able to take a joke and she makes out like I'm overreacting and I feel even worse. I don't feel strong enough to put my foot down about it though. She's very good at taking offence.

----------


## Suzi

I completely empathise - my little sister is having the same issues... I'm trying to help her as much as I can, but it's really hard...

----------


## Paula

Can I ask? What actually happens if she does take offence?

----------


## Jaquaia

She manipulates things so she's playing the victim and I end up feeling like I'm completely worthless and the worst person in the world, and knowing how low my self-esteem is, you can imagine how much of an effect it has on me. It ended once with my dad calling me a c**t and threatening to beat me up as she did that on the phone when I was at uni.

----------


## Paula

:Panda: . You are neither worthless nor the worst person in the world. You may have taken on caring for her but that does not make you her slave. Perhaps you need to remind them both that you dont take annual leave or ask for paid sick leave! You are their daughter, you do everything you possibly can for your mum and its time they realised that and cherished you for it.

----------

Angie (07-11-17),Jaquaia (07-11-17)

----------


## magie06

You are certainly earning your keep at the moment. Please explain to your mum that you can only do so much. You are only human after all. Good luck for today.

----------


## Jaquaia

I've changed both beds today and washed and dried the bedding. Just sorted the shopping out but they keep talking to me!!! I can hear how short I'm getting but please just shut up and leave me alone!!!! I don't know what it is but I can't deal with it tonight at all!

----------


## Paula

can You get some breathing space? Get away from the living room?

----------


## Jaquaia

I came up not long after tea, but I know I'm struggling as my appetite is rubbish.

----------


## Suzi

Oh sweetheart I feel so much for you. I'm so sorry I've been trying to reply to you all day, but had to get out for hospital stuff... I didn't want you to think I didn't care...

----------


## Jaquaia

Don't be daft! I know you care! That's one thing none of us on here can ever doubt  :):

----------


## Suzi

That means so much and has made me cry... 

You do know how much I admire you don't you? You always put others first, but you're beginning to take time for you and do things to make you happy. I'm so bloody proud of you.

----------

Jaquaia (08-11-17)

----------


## Jaquaia

I didn't mean to make you cry! I don't think I've done anything worth admiring really. I've just finally found some time to look after me. 

So today had been pretty big! I went to counselling on the bus by myself!!! I have not done that at all during this cycle. I talked about some unpleasant memories and about the issue with my mum, but also about the difference a certain someone is making to my life. My counsellor is officially awesome and is requesting some extra sessions on top of the extra sessions I'm currently having! I then walked all the way across town to the station where I'm meeting J when he finishes work! And my back never hurt!!! I just had to keep stopping as I'm quite anxious and was tensing my legs which was then making my hip hurt. 

So yay!

----------


## Paula

You are pretty awesome, lovely. So many things in one day that not long ago you wouldnt have done  :(happy):

----------

Jaquaia (08-11-17)

----------


## magie06

Well done on that bus journey. And the counselling. And the walk across town. How is J today?

----------

Jaquaia (08-11-17)

----------


## Jaquaia

Well when you put it like that Paula...  :(giggle): 

Thanks Magie. J is awesome, we had a lovely afternoon just watching Game of Thrones and talking  :):

----------


## Suzi

I'm in awe of you! You've literally changed your life! Look at all these important things you are now doing! I'm so proud of you!

----------

Jaquaia (09-11-17)

----------


## Angie

Couldn't agree more with the others hunni xx

----------

Jaquaia (09-11-17)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm struggling a bit today, I'm just so tired. I know I need to be kind to myself today as I talked about some pretty horrific stuff yesterday and it's bound to have an effect, but all I can think about is the things I need to get done. I just feel like I'm swimming through treacle today

----------


## Paula

Would it help if you write down what needs to be done and then delete them until you get to what really needs to be done? We could help whittle down the list

----------


## Suzi

I'm feeling similar, shall we paddle along together? 
What's the most important things to do that can't wait?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've done the really important stuff, eating and medication. I do need to drink and I've just cleaned the garden up. Got 2 shopping deliveries coming that needs putting away, and the bathroom needs cleaning and the stairs need hoovering. The bathroom is tidy, it just needs a wipe around, it's the floor that is desperate for a wash. I suppose they can both wait, I'm just feeling like I need to do something.

----------


## magie06

I'm supposed to be cleaning out the fridge today. But I just can't face it. It's not bad but the marks that are there might turn bad if I don't do something about them. I think it must have been 6 months since I've done it last. It really needs doing. A job for tomorrow when I've a bit more energy.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm meeting J tomorrow afternoon so they're not jobs I fancy putting off until tomorrow as I'll then want a shower and will just get wound up trying to get sorted on time.

----------


## Suzi

I can understand that - but can you do it bit by bit rather than pushing yourself too hard?

----------


## Jaquaia

I buggered up the shopping and ordered it for next week instead of today. Oops....

Escaped to my room for a lie down and climbing the stairs felt like scaling a mountain.

----------


## Suzi

Oops! Well, that's one job you don't need to do next week!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I ended up falling asleep for an hour this afternoon. Hadn't realised just how tired I was.

----------


## Suzi

I sympathise. I've been fighting falling asleep all afternoon..

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm still tired today, wednesday took so much out of me, but I've done all the basics and even gone with my mum to an appointment and am currently in town waiting for J to finish work! Nothing like pushing myself is there!!! Though I am feeling brighter and not as numb as yesterday.

----------


## Suzi

Glad you're feeling brighter love. Maybe plan a rest day hun?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've had a lovely relaxing afternoon with J and will probably not do much over the weekend.

----------


## Paula

Sounds like youre pacing  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

Trying to! Since been informed that we're making christmas cakes over the weekend!!!!

----------


## Suzi

Oh..... You could just buy one?

----------


## Jaquaia

We always have homemade ones. My dad is fussy

----------


## Suzi

Yes, but it shouldn't fall to you to make them if you're in pain....

----------


## Jaquaia

The methotrexate is working I think so my pain is reduced and I'd use a mixer anyway. I just tend to be the better baker.

----------


## Suzi

Glad it's working for you lovely x

----------


## Jaquaia

Something has to! I'm not sure if the paroxetine is working as well as I thought or I'm just having a bad-ish week. Though I suppose after wednesday I should allow for a bit of a low mood.

----------


## Paula

> Though I suppose after wednesday I should allow for a bit of a low mood.


Absolutely, and Im glad you can recognise that  :):

----------


## Suzi

Completely agree! Be kind to yourself lovely. Have you got any lovely plans for this weekend?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm just planning on taking it easy as I feel exhausted. The only plans I seem to be making lately seem to be with J or for the future!!!

----------


## Paula

The future is not something youve made plans for up to now  :(party):

----------


## Jaquaia

I shall have to update you!!! I have lots of plans for the future! A certain someone is a very good influence on me  :): 

I'm currently sat knitting!

----------


## OldMike

> I shall have to update you!!! I have lots of plans for the future! A certain someone is a very good influence on me 
> 
> I'm currently sat knitting!


Very interesting, I shall avidly watch this space for developments  :):

----------


## Suzi

> I'm just planning on taking it easy as I feel exhausted. The only plans I seem to be making lately seem to be with J or for the future!!!





> I shall have to update you!!! I have lots of plans for the future! A certain someone is a very good influence on me 
> 
> I'm currently sat knitting!


Hold on a moment........ Do I need to investigate hats?????

----------


## Jaquaia

> Hold on a moment........ Do I need to investigate hats?????


Yes!!!  :(inlove):  Just not yet  :O:

----------


## Paula

:(giggle):

----------


## magie06

You sound so happy. It's lovely to read your posts at the moment. I know we all have our off days, but it sounds like you have a lot of 'on' days at the moment.

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't think I have ever been this happy magie  :):

----------


## magie06

That's so good to hear. Go Jaquaia.  :(party):

----------


## Suzi

I love that you are happy!

----------


## magie06

Hi, how is today for you? Anything nice planned today? Have a great day.

----------


## Jaquaia

I just feel exhausted today and a bit flat. Sat doingnsome knitting but my eyes are strugglingnto focus properly at the moment.

----------


## Suzi

Are you doing all the basics? Eating? Drinking? Taking meds? Exercise?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm being good

----------


## Suzi

I'm sure you are  :O:  But are you doing the basics properly? lol

----------


## Jaquaia

I've been sat with a bottle of water all day. Though thinking about it, that's the same one from this morning. Oh and I've ballsed my meds up. I forgot to order them in time so unless the chemist has got the prescription early, I'm without my paroxetine tomorrow.

----------


## Paula

Can you finish that bottle and get another one? Will you be calling the chemist first thing?

----------


## Jaquaia

It's only across the road so I can wander across before I go and meet J

----------


## Suzi

Make sure you do - or ask for an advance  :O:

----------


## magie06

Good luck in the morning at the chemist. Although I'm sure it will be okay.

----------


## Suzi

Have you managed to get your meds sorted?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm not even out of bed yet. Woken up with a headache today.

----------


## Suzi

Can you take something for the headache? Is it down to stress/not drinking enough/medication issues or something you can't pinpoint?

----------


## Jaquaia

I have no idea as it's eased off!

----------


## Paula

Have you spoken to the chemist yet?

----------


## Jaquaia

Yeah. It will be ready tomorrow. I can cope for one day!

----------


## Suzi

How did your day go lovely? You OK?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm pretty good. Spent a couple of hours with J this afternoon which was lovely  :):  just relaxing now. Feel tired out.

----------


## Suzi

Hope it's a good tired  :O:  Sleep well gorgeous x

----------


## Jaquaia

A very good tired!  :(angel):  

Rheumatology appointment tomorrow! Saw the nurse last time so should be one of the doctors this time. There's some inflammation in some of my joints and some pain when I touch them so the disease isn't completely under control but the methotrexate is making a huge difference!

----------


## Paula

Fab! Is there wiggle room on the dose?

----------


## Suzi

How has the rheumy gone??

----------


## Jaquaia

It's not until 3.40. I will ask that question Paula. I think it will either be see how it goes or a steroid injection in the butt! 

I'm really worried about J today. He's struggling so much and there's nothing I can do until I see him tomorrow.

----------


## Suzi

Do you know why he's struggling? Hope the appointment is going well lovely. x

----------


## Jaquaia

I do and I'm trying to encourage him to talk to his counsellor about it but he finds it hard. I'm hoping he will start talking here too in time. 

The appointment went great! I was straight in and out and 10 minutes before my appointment time too!!! The methotrexate is starting to work but as I've only been on it for 4 weeks at the current dose, it's too early to increase it, so she's making the next appointment herself to ensure that I see the lead consultant. 

Oh and I've lost almost half a stone so  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  you very much Kate!

----------


## magie06

That's brilliant news about the weight. You are doing so well.

----------

Jaquaia (14-11-17)

----------


## Jarre

Grats on the loss Hun I know it’s hard to do

----------

Jaquaia (14-11-17)

----------


## Paula

Well done, hunni!

----------

Jaquaia (14-11-17)

----------


## Jaquaia

I am sooooooo proud of myself right now!!! Kate rang me to discuss a letter the multi disciplinary team are going to send to my GP and she brought up our last appointment. I don't know where the hell it had come from but I told her just how bad she had made me feel after entering the appointment feeling so positive, told her just how unhelpful and damaging I found her comments and then took great delight in telling her that with no help from the service, I had managed to lose almost half a stone! 

Go me!!!!  :(party):

----------

S deleted (14-11-17)

----------


## Suzi

I'm so proud of you! You are amazing! So glad the appointment went well lovely!

----------


## Jaquaia

Oh and I'm really bloody annoyed too!!! My sister is coming to see me on Tuesday night with it being my birthday, or so my mum informed me anyway. Fair enough but how about actually asking me if I'm free first instead of just assuming that I'm going to be sat at home with nothing bloody better to do!!! 

I think my mood is a bit all over the place tonight. I feel a bit like a yoyo  :(think):

----------


## Suzi

Oh sweetheart....

----------


## Jaquaia

I booked my smear!!! That must be a gold star?  :(giggle):

----------


## Paula

Platinum!

----------


## Jaquaia

Ooooh! Pretty!  :(inlove):

----------


## magie06

Well done. You really are doing brilliant. Not long ago you wouldn't have been able to make that appointment.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm still finding it difficult to get my head around going but it's a necessary evil. I have some diazepam left if I really struggle with it.

----------


## Suzi

Platinum and diamond encrusted!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Sparkly as well as pretty!!!! I prefer topaz though  :O:

----------


## Suzi

Philistine! Diamonds dahrling, always diamonds...

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm told I'm very non-traditional!

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## magie06

Have you plans for the weekend? The weather here is not promised the best but I'm going to try to get some Christmas shopping done anyway. That's why they invented shopping centres isn't it?

----------


## Jaquaia

I think taking it easy would be a good idea so probably just some knitting

----------


## Suzi

What are you currently knitting?

----------


## Jaquaia

Still the scarf I started for my mum last year. 

It feels like everything is hitting me today, I woke up feeling exhausted and feel like I'm wading through treacle.

----------


## Suzi

I'm feeling similar today, I know it doesn't help, but it's true... 
Can you plan something lovely to make things a bit better for you?

----------


## Paula

There must be something in the air  :(: . How are your hands at the mo?

----------


## Jaquaia

My hands are pretty good actually, hardly any pain at all, just some weakness in my grip. I know that fatigue is a symptom though so maybe it's that, or maybe I need my meds adjusting as my moods seem unstable too.

----------


## Suzi

When's your next GP appointment?

----------


## magie06

Hi. I was to finish the shawl that I'm making for my mum but I did a jigsaw puzzle instead. Aisling was telling me off for not finishing it while we were in the car going to Galway this morning. I still have 37 days to finish it!  :knitting:

----------


## Jaquaia

I haven't got one booked Suzi. It's maybe something I need to consider if things don't improve

----------


## Suzi

Are you still keeping a mood diary?

----------


## Jaquaia

I do forget a lot as I have so much to keep track of

----------


## magie06

I've gone so bad with my mood diary that I think it was June since I last wrote anything in it. Maybe I should get back to it.

----------


## Suzi

I've not been doing mine either... Maybe we could all make a concerted effort to do it  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I may need some nagging

----------


## Suzi

Apparently I'm quite good at continued and repeated reminders....  :O:

----------


## Jaquaia

I've noticed  :O:

----------


## Suzi

:O:  I shall take that as a compliment!

----------


## Jaquaia

Mornings are getting hard again. I've been lying here for 2 hours already. It's annoying as I had a lovely evening.

----------


## Paula

What in particular is hard? Motivation, pain, fatigue?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'd say it's fatigue.

----------


## Paula

Then maybe a rest day is in order.  Are you still doing the bead pictures?

----------


## Suzi

Resting definitely. Or doing something that makes you happy...

----------


## Jaquaia

*giggling like a naughty schoolgirl*

I'm supposed to be going to see my sister, not seen my niece in a few weeks. I need to crack on with this scarf! I need to buy some more bead pictures Paula! Not done one in ages!

----------


## Angie

:(bear):  hunni, have you done your basics such as a drink and medicine and food ?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've had food and meds. I do need to grab a drink

----------


## Angie

okies xx

----------


## Suzi

So... something to make you happy...

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm actually the happiest I ever have been right now. I just need something to keep me occupied. 

Had cuddles with my gorgeous little lady and got my birthday pressies early from my sister. I do have to admit that what she got me from my niece brought a tear to my eye. I will post a pic!

----------

OldMike (19-11-17)

----------


## Angie

Sounds like a good day upto now hunni xx

----------


## Paula

I love that youre happy  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

It's been a very long time coming  :):

----------


## Paula

And so deserved x

----------

Jaquaia (19-11-17)

----------


## OldMike

I'm so glad you're a happy bunny  :):

----------

Jaquaia (19-11-17)

----------


## Suzi

> I'm actually the happiest I ever have been right now. I just need something to keep me occupied. 
> 
> Had cuddles with my gorgeous little lady and got my birthday pressies early from my sister. I do have to admit that what she got me from my niece brought a tear to my eye. I will post a pic!


This is one of the best posts I've ever seen!

----------

Jaquaia (19-11-17)

----------


## Jaquaia

Bit of a flare up today! It doesn't help that it's cold and wet I suppose. Feeling a bit out of sorts as Ash has decided to text me and tell me how much he's missing me.

----------


## Paula

Oh ffs! Please dont answer him or, if you do, tell him youre in a relationship. Please

----------


## Jaquaia

He knows. I told him ages ago. Don't think he likes that I've moved on as there has been some guilt tripping, which has put me on edge and made me very easily triggered by something I've just seen on fb. I've just had to stop myself scratching at my arm, I don't want to go down that route again. At least I see J this afternoon, I feel so safe with him.

----------


## Paula

> At least I see J this afternoon, I feel so safe with him.


And that is why youre with J and not Ash.  Keep reminding yourself of that

----------

Jaquaia (20-11-17)

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni, don't let him have this control over you. Do you want to talk about the trigger?

----------


## Jaquaia

> And that is why youre with J and not Ash.  Keep reminding yourself of that


I remind myself every single day how lucky I am, added bonus of just being in the same room as him calms me.




> Oh hunni, don't let him have this control over you. Do you want to talk about the trigger?


It was actually the domestic abuse post you shared on fb Suzi. I have no idea why it affected me like it did! I think I just wish there were more posts like that around when I met dickhead.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry.... I had a similar reaction - I meant to add a trigger warning, but got sidetracked.

----------


## Jaquaia

Don't be sorry! If it helps just one person avoid what I went through then it's worth it  :Panda:

----------

Suzi (20-11-17)

----------


## Jaquaia

I've ballsed my meds up! I've only taken the folic acid today too. Oops! Not sure why I did that!!!

----------


## Paula

Ah! Have you taken them now? Take it easy if you can

----------


## Jaquaia

I shouldn't take the folic acid at all on methotrexate day. No idea why I messed up

----------


## Paula

Because youre human  :):    How ar3 you feeling?

----------


## Jaquaia

Pretty emotional and very very loved right now  :): 

But if you mean physically, fine. I made a point of eating  :O:

----------


## Paula

Good and good  :O:

----------


## Suzi

Have you spoken to someone about taking the folic acid too? 

Glad you're feeling loved. That's important...

----------


## Jaquaia

I've looked it up, it just reduces how effective the methotrexate is. It's really not like me to mess up like that! 

Currently laid reading my birthday pressie from J  :):

----------


## Suzi

Have I missed your birthday?

----------


## Jaquaia

I got it early!  :):

----------


## Suzi

That's OK then.... What did he get you?

----------


## Jaquaia

Rik Mayalls autobiography. He's really impressed me actually. I mentioned it once a few weeks ago and he remembered and tracked a copy down.

----------


## Suzi

Awesome! That's so lovely!

----------


## Jaquaia

Had a fab afternoon with Stella! She's just this minute left!

----------


## Paula

Yay!!

----------


## Suzi

So glad you had a good time!  :O:

----------


## Angie

Glad that you had a good time hunni x

----------


## Jaquaia

She's killed my dog though  :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------


## S deleted

> She's killed my dog though


Ahem, I did nothing of the sort. I can’t help being so exciting and lovable that her tongue and tail barely stopped moving all day.

----------


## Suzi

Aww!  :):

----------


## Paula

:(giggle):

----------


## Jaquaia

Woohoo!!!! I've lost 2lbs since last week!!!!!

----------


## Paula

Fab!!

----------


## Jaquaia

I was at my heaviest in July! I've lost 16lbs since then  :(party):

----------


## Paula

Thats truly incredible. Really proud of you  :):

----------


## Suzi

Wow! That's amazing! Well done!

----------


## Jaquaia

Today has been difficult, very up and down and I have no idea why. I've found myself with tears in my eyes a few times. It's been driving me crazy.

----------


## Paula

Youve had a busy few days, its going to have an impact so please dont beat yourself up about it. Big hugs, lovely

----------


## Suzi

Be kind to you! Acknowledge that you've had your birthday as well as "normal" day to day stuff. It's going to have an impact.

----------


## Jaquaia

It doesn't help that I'm now flaring either. Still, I get to see J tomorrow  :):

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  I'm in flare too right now. I sympathise completely.

----------


## Jaquaia

I need to go and buy some ibuprofen really, especially as it's getting colder.

----------


## Suzi

I can't take that as I'm on other anti inflammatories..

----------


## magie06

It's lovely the way J can put a smile on your face. It's lovely to read the smile in your posts. Keep smiling.

----------

Jaquaia (25-11-17)

----------


## Jaquaia

I smile a hell of a lot now magie, and I can't see it stopping anytime soon  :):

----------


## Suzi

That's an amazing post!

----------


## magie06

That really made my day. I really admire you. Did you have a nice day?

----------


## Jaquaia

Met the brothers new girlfriend tonight, it actually just served to make me feel really lonely for some reason. Just putting today down as a huge wobble. I think the lows feel worse because I feel happy most of the time now itms?

----------


## magie06

:Panda: 

It's hard to meet new people, but you've done it. The hard work is now done. You'll never meet her again for the first time so next time will be easier. Think of the next time you will see J, how that will make you feel. And learn from that.

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni, I'm sorry you're feeling lonely lovely. I wish I could make it all good for you xx

----------


## Jaquaia

Mood swings are definitely affecting me. I need to get them all written down off here and take it to my gp.

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you're going to do that lovely. It's so important.

----------


## magie06

Has your mood diary come out yet? It's a great idea to write down how you are feeling. I was a bit lax with my own diary but I've got back into the swing of it again. In fact on my tracker for weight watchers I make note of my mood every day, because if your mood is low the food will go astray and you end up eating more.

----------

Suzi (26-11-17)

----------


## magie06

How was today for you?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've plodded today, it's been so hard to get going. Took me a couple of hours to get out of bed. I got out of doing the Christmas cakes as my dad did them, or so I thought as he seems to have killed them!!! So I have those to make again. But I have finally finished the scarf for my mum!!!!

----------


## magie06

That's great news. I have been making a shawl for my mum and had it all but finished, but I wasn't happy with it. I ripped it all back and started again last week. I'm almost there again now. I hope I haven't made as many mistakes this time.

----------


## Paula

How can you kill cakes?  :O:

----------


## Suzi

Well done for finishing for your Mum. What did he do to the cakes?

----------


## Jaquaia

> How can you kill cakes?


He dropped one on the floor and for some reason known only to him, he doused one with brandy and put it on a plate. Aforementioned cake stuck to plate and transfering it to brown paper to store was a failure of epic proportions!!!

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):

----------


## magie06

:(rofl): 

My nieces were both home from England this weekend. They decided that they would have a couple of drinks at home before heading into Galway. They 'borrowed' a bottle of gin from my dad's house before setting off. When they opened the bottle they only discovered that it wasn't gin when they drank the first of their drinks for the night. It was poteen (an Irish alcoholic drink made from fermented potatoes), and is absolutely disgusting. It numbs your mouth when you drink it. Horrible!!!! But the girls had a great laugh about it today even though they both had hangovers. They are great and it's lovely that they get to see one another once every 4 weeks or so. It's almost like the old days when they used to call to me and help me do the house work before we'd go to the cinema or shopping or something.

----------


## Suzi

That's brilliant! 

Well done Jaq's Dad! Those are epic issues (I've never done anything similar honest gov....)

----------


## Jaquaia

Yeah but now I have to make the replacements

----------


## Paula

Or buy them?

----------


## Suzi

You could just do that to safe your own spoons?

----------


## Jaquaia

My dad would only make it himself again and then I'd feel bad so I might as well just suck it up and do it.

At the docs with my mum this morning, already running 20 mins behind! And hospital this afternoon. I already feel exhausted.

----------


## magie06

You have a very busy day there. I hope you have resting pencilled in too.

----------


## Jaquaia

I feel absolutely shattered. Been at the hospital most of the afternoon with my mum. The rheumatology nurse was running late then the appointment took ages because she had to check things with the consultant. Then I had to take her to have steroid injections in her wrist, then up a floor for a chest x-ray. I did manage to fit in a phone call with J after his counselling session, which was nice! But I think I've pretty much reached my limit today.

----------


## Paula

Then I hope tomorrow is a rest day. Please, hunni

----------


## Jaquaia

I had to really concentrate to do my mums meds for the next week.

Not completely Paula. I have counselling in town and then I'm meeting J after he finishes work. I have strict orders from him that I'm to go sit in a warm coffee shop and relax and maybe write while he finishes.

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like he wants the best for you lovely. Sorry it was a tough day. Make sure you are kind to yourself tonight.

----------


## Jaquaia

He does, it's part of what I love about him, he's more concerned about me then he is himself and will do everything he can to make sure I'm ok. 

I just about managed a shower! I should get dried and blow dry my hair but it all feels like too much effort right now.

----------


## Suzi

Sod the blow drying... Get some rest!

----------


## Jaquaia

It's done now. It would just annoy me if I didn't do it. I think I'm well out of spoons now, having to argue with my mum at the hospital over how much she's smoking certainly didn't help.

----------


## Suzi

Oh that must have been horrible!

----------


## Paula

How are you feeling today?

----------


## Jaquaia

In the hour between collecting my dad from work and when I pointed it out, she had 5 cigs. Luckily my dad backed me up as she denied it and insisted it was less.

Just got out of counselling! My counsellor is awesome and has got me the extra sessions  :): 




> How are you feeling today?


Tired! Going for a hot chocolate as soon as my leg stops cramping

----------


## Paula

Yay! For extra sessions  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

Just waiting for J to finish work  :):  looking forward to the hugs!

----------


## Suzi

Glad you've been honest with her and that your Dad is backing you up. 
So pleased you got the extra sessions. 

Enjoy the hugs..

----------


## magie06

I hope today was a rest day for you. You've been on the road all week.

----------


## Jaquaia

I was up and dressed before 8 ready for the shopping delivery. I got ID'd as there was beer on the delivery, which was funny. Then I got bored and felt really on edge, so I stripped and remade the beds, washed the bedding and folded and put it all away, dehuskyfied my throw as husky fur takes forever to get rid of, hoovered my room, then gone with my mum to get my dad from work. My mood started quite high this morning and has sunk quite quickly, so I'm now struggling and feeling really flat. 

I've bitten the bullet and booked a drs appointment for tomorrow morning.

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you've got a Drs appointment booked, is your mood diary up to date?

----------


## Jaquaia

I need to do that tonight, although the doctor I'm seeing is the first one to suggest referring me to a psychiatrist years ago as the first 3 meds hadn't touched me. I like him, I just really need to.focus as he has a thick accent and can be difficult to understand.

----------


## magie06

You need to learn how to pace!!

----------


## Paula

> You need to learn how to pace!!


So true, you do have a inclination towards a boom and bust way of living  :O: . Seriously, lovely, you could do with learning how to switch off ...... but I know you know that  :Kiss:

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't actually see it! 

Tomorrow is doctors, shops with the mother, then town to meet J, (who by the way, has also started telling me that I need to rest!) and he will make me actually stop! So tomorrow afternoon will be spent cuddled up to him watching the last 2 episodes of Game of Thrones series 3!

----------

magie06 (30-11-17)

----------


## magie06

That sounds like a perfect way to spend the afternoon. However your morning needs work!!  :O:

----------


## Suzi

I agree.. PACING Miss Please..

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't really have a choice. We've had a load of snow today and need stuff from the shops. With my mums mobility like it is she can't really go on her own.

----------


## Paula

Can it not wait?

----------


## Jaquaia

We have no bread in. I wish it could. And I need to get up as I'm at the doctors in just over an hour. 

On the plus side, J is finishing work early  :):

----------


## Suzi

How are you lovely? How'd it go at the Drs?

----------


## Jaquaia

Just on my way there now! I'm tired. Been awake off and on since half 4

----------


## Suzi

I sympathise. I had a shocking night and a nurses appointment at 9! Hope it goes well lovely.

----------


## Jaquaia

He's increased my dose to 40mg and said to go back in a month. He's said about referring me to a psychiatrist of this doesn't work.

----------


## Suzi

How do you feel about that? Are you happy with the change? Have you had a lovely time with J?

----------


## Jaquaia

To be honest I was scared he would suggest me stopping them with more then 1 doctor insisting there was nothing else I could try. 

Had a wonderful time with J  :):  I always do! He finished work early so we had extra time together and spent it just cuddling up watching Game of Thrones and talking and teasing each other. I feel so peaceful and relaxed when I'm with him, missing him already.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  I love that he makes you happy.

----------


## Jaquaia

I honestly don't think I've ever been this happy.  :):

----------


## Suzi

That's lovely. I hope he knows how lucky he is to have met you...

----------


## Jaquaia

He tells me all the time how much I mean to him and how lucky he feels to have me in his life  :):

----------


## magie06

That is so romantic.

----------


## Jaquaia

He is a huge romantic at heart magie. I don't have any doubts at all  :):

----------


## magie06

That's so cool.

----------


## Paula

> He's said about referring me to a psychiatrist of this doesn't work.


Finally, a doctor willing to offer you the extra help  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

He referred me years ago when the first 5 lots of counselling and 2 meds didn't help. All I got was a phone assessment and more counselling offered.

----------


## Suzi

Maybe this time he'll try pushing a bit harder?

----------


## Jaquaia

I still think that any referral will be blocked by the CPN's and I'll be told I'm not ill enough yet again! 

Struggling today. I feel like I'm swimming through treacle and everything is taking a huge effort.

----------


## Suzi

I'm swimming in treacle too love so I sympathise. I've got old crappy clothes on and fingerless mits..... I wish I could take your struggling away from you love. Are you seeing J at all this weekend? Is your mood linked to whether you are seeing him?

----------


## Jaquaia

He generally can't get away on a weekend. Seeing him Monday though. I don't think my mood is linked to him as I was struggling yesterday too, and Wednesday was tough. Those days were slightly easier though as he was there to hug me and I find that just his presence can calm me.

----------


## magie06

I bet you are really looking forward to Monday. It's funny, but my friend that I would meet regularly for coffee has met someone too. She is completely smitten and he seems to be good for her too. I met up with her last week, and she had a big smile on her face. She just couldn't stop smiling, and he can't do enough for her. There must be something in the air!!  :(inlove):

----------


## Jaquaia

I really am, he's struggling too today so I think we both need it.

----------


## magie06

Monday won't be long coming round again. Just over 24 hours and it will be here. Watch strictly to take your mind off things for now.

----------


## Jaquaia

I never watch strictly, never have. I'm currently sat listening to the radio while I wrap Christmas presents and getting very agitated. Finding it very hard to sit still and I am very, very irritable

----------


## Suzi

Wrapping Christmas presents? I haven't got any really yet...

----------


## Jaquaia

I've had to stop. I almost cut myself as I wasn't concentrating properly. Even my friend has commented that I don't seem myself today so it must be obvious if he can tell online.

----------


## Angie

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing today love?

----------


## Paula

Morning, sweetie  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

It's taking me ages to get going, I didn't fall asleep until nearly 3am, was awake by half 8 and only just managing to get dressed. To top it off, I have a sinus headache, even my glasses feel uncomfortable on my face.

----------


## Suzi

I didn't know you wore specs, I've never seen a picture of you with them on!

Hope that today brightens up for you. I'm sorry you didn't sleep well lovely x

----------


## Jaquaia

Erm...I have them on in my fb profile pic!  :(giggle):  I need my eyes testing really, which probably isn't helping. I can't read a licence plate at half the required distance so driving needs to be put off a bit! Of course J makes a joke of it and begs me not to get new glasses as I won't want him if I can see him properly!!! Muppet  :(giggle): 

I'm annoyed now too, just checked my bank and Yorkshire Water have continued taking money even though my debt is paid off and they've already refunded me an overpayment. They owe me £80 so have to sort that out tomorrow.

----------


## OldMike

> I didn't know you wore specs, I've never seen a picture of you with them on!
> 
> Hope that today brightens up for you. I'm sorry you didn't sleep well lovely x


Suzi check out Jaq's FB page she looks a hot mama in those specs  :O:

----------


## Suzi

D'oh! Of course you do! They really suit you! Sorry....

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm absolutely heartbroken for my friends tonight. Their son passed away in his sleep, he was only 19

----------


## Angie

Oh hunni am so sorry xx :Panda:

----------


## OldMike

I'm so sorry Jaq it must be such a shock for his parents.

----------


## Suzi

Oh Jaq I'm so terribly sorry. There just aren't words.

----------


## Paula

Oh sweetheart  :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

My head is a very dark place tonight and how low I am has been commented on a few times. I just don't know how to pick myself up. I'm feeling very fragile and a little broken

----------


## magie06

It's not surprising that you feel fragile at the moment. You've had a shock and it is going to affect your mood. Take things easy, go to church if you think that will help, maybe light a candle and say a prayer for that boys parents and your friends. You don't have to tell them that you are doing any of this, when I do it, I find it's more for me. Be kind to yourself today, do nice things, call J and talk to him.  :Panda:

----------


## Paula

Anyone would be feeling fragile after that sort of news. Please take it easy today, hunni

----------


## Jaquaia

The only plan I have is to meet J from work then we're coming back andbstarting series 4 of GoT.

----------


## Paula

How are you doing?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm feeling a lot calmer now I've seen J. We've had a giggle, talked about a few things and he's given lots of hugs. We're even planning on a night out in York next May! The Bluetones are playing in York and he's offered to go with me as I've wanted to see them live since I was 18  :):

----------

Paula (04-12-17)

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  lovely, hope today has brightened up a little....

----------


## Jaquaia

It's a lot brighter  :):

----------


## Suzi

Good  :O:

----------


## magie06

How are things? You've been quiet over the last couple of days.

----------


## Jaquaia

I've had a rough few days but having no side effects from the dosage increase so far, which is good. J has just left and seeing him again on Friday, which I'm looking forward to already. Apart from when I'm with him I feel numb or irritable, he has a very calming effect on me. 
Almost finished my Christmas shopping and it's all wrapped too apart from a couple that need gift bags. Had an appointment this morning with the weightloss team and even I could tell how dead my voice sounded and absolutely dreading my appointment tomorrow.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## magie06

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Oh lovely  :(bear):  I am sorry you're not feeling great between seeing J - that worries me that your mood is so linked to him..... Can you keep an eye on it and keep it marked in your mood diary?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't think it's so much linked to him, more that he makes me forget when I'm feeling rough. Sometimes a hug makes all the difference and other then my niece, he's the only person I can really stand hugging me. 

The last few days haven't been helped by broken sleep, the worry of the weightwise appointment today after how the last one went, dreading my smear tomorrow, my mum not really listening to me, (I mean how many times can I say I aren't a fan of minted lamb???) my sis making constant digs at my mum and upsetting her, and I've noticed signs of her being awkward with me too!

----------


## Paula

Do you want to talk about why youre so worried?

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like you've got loads on your mind hunni, I can understand why you're feeling crappy with all that going on.... What time's your appointment tomorrow?

----------


## Jaquaia

3pm Suzi. I have 2 diazepam left if I need them. 

Paula, about the weightwise appointment or tomorrow? I was worried about this morning after getting upset over her lack of support last time. I'm worried about tomorrow because of the assault earlier this year, the smallest bit of pain there makes me freeze and remember it at the moment.

----------


## Suzi

I'll be with you in spirit lovely. But it's totally understandable you're finding it difficult. Could you tell the nurse before she starts?

----------


## Jaquaia

I can try, not sure if I'll manage though.

----------


## Suzi

What about writing it down and handing it to her?

----------


## Paula

I thought that was the case but didnt want to assume, on both counts. Im so proud of you for saying what youre feeling  :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

2 diazepam and narrowly avoiding a full blown panic attack and it's all over an done with. Relaxing enough was a struggle. 

Feeling tired and a bit uncomfortable now.

----------


## Paula

Well done, you amazing woman!

----------

Jaquaia (07-12-17)

----------


## Suzi

I am SOOOOO proud of you! I hope you're resting tonight. Did you tell the nurse why you were anxious?

----------

Jaquaia (07-12-17)

----------


## Jaquaia

I have to admit that I didn't. I tried to concentrate on my breathing and spent a lot of time focusing on the ceiling!

----------


## Suzi

Well done for getting through it lovely.

----------


## Jaquaia

Showered so nice and clean again, and my mum and dad bought me some new pjs as a treat for shifting a stone, they're blue and have Winnie the Pooh and Tigger and glitter on them! yay!!! But have to admit I'm feeling pretty out of it at the moment. Dunno if it's spaced out or feeling detached or what but I am definitely not completely with it tonight! Whatever "it" is. 

Anywhoo!!!! Stella was awesome today taking my mind off it despite feeling crappy herself. Love her to bits! Ta mate. It really helped.

----------


## magie06

Hi there. Well done for getting through yesterday. You did so well and I'm sure it's a relief to have it done now. You don't have to go again now for another 3 years. And you got it done at a very busy time for yourself. Well done.

----------


## Jaquaia

Well.... I have big news!!!!

First the exciting stuff. The parents are paying for my Bluetones tickets as a Christmas present! Yay!!!

And the big stuff is....

I've just registered on a BSc (Hons) Psychology with Counselling through the OU and even applied for a student loan!!!

----------

OldMike (10-12-17),S deleted (08-12-17)

----------


## magie06

WOW!!!!!!

----------

Jaquaia (08-12-17)

----------


## Suzi

Those are awesome! Fantastic!

----------

Jaquaia (08-12-17)

----------


## magie06

Hi, did you have snow?

----------


## OldMike

Brilliant Jaq, go girl that's fantastic news  :(bear):

----------


## Jaquaia

No snow magie, but I do have the tree up. I just wish my dad would shut up and stop talking to me. I just want to be left alone now. Trying to watch the football, I feel mentally exhausted and he's been drinking most of the day so is repeating himself and I just can't deal with it.

----------


## magie06

I hope you were able to watch your football. 

Our snow has now frozen over and the roads outside are just dreadful. They hardly have enough time to grit the main roads, that the roads into the estates are always left out. I hate the thought of bringing Aisling to school tomorrow. I know I can leave early but I'm afraid of having a skid.

----------


## Jaquaia

I couldn't focus, ended up playing on my phone

----------


## magie06

I  hope you enjoyed your game!!

----------


## Suzi

How did the rest of your day go?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've tinselled everything I could, have lights up everywhere, have walked more than 60 metres around the tree just doing lights and tinsel, have had to deal with my dad drinking a fair bit and them both smoking like chimneys, him wittering on at me non stop, have changed my bedding, showered, had no time really to do anything for myself or even just rest!!! Not to mention that Ash started texting. So I've been on edge most of the day and very tense, my jaw aches from clenching it, starting with a tension headache, still on edge and my chest feels tight and just utterly exhausted.

----------


## Suzi

Block Ash. He's never going to do the right thing and put you first or treat you like a princess. 

Hope today is easier and brighter for you.

----------


## Paula

I agree with Suzi, block Ash. You do not need him in your life.

Fantastic news about the OU! Well done  :(party):

----------


## Jaquaia

That's only if I get the funding in place, Student Finance don't seem to know it's one of the subjects included in the list of degrees eligible for funding as a 2nd degree! Fingers crossed. If not, I've decided that I am definitely doing level 1 Counselling. 

Just heading into town to meet J from work. It's been a much more peaceful day so far  :):

----------


## Suzi

Glad it's a good and peaceful day lovely x

----------


## magie06

Morning. How are you today?

----------


## Jaquaia

Headachey and can't be bothered with anything. Leaving for my rheumatology appointment soon and got blood tests in morning too. Although J is off work so we should get a bit more time together tomorrow! Except my dvd player has died so no GoT  :=(:  still, I've had it 17 years so can't complain too much!

----------


## Paula

Have you been drinking enough?

----------


## Jaquaia

Probably not! It's not helped by me clenching my jaw either!

Saw my consultant today, she's pleased with the difference the methotrexate has made as their was only swelling in 2 joints, but because my hands aren't completely back to normal she's increased the dose to the top dose. With it being near Christmas, she's leaving me on tablets but she's warned me that a lot of people feel sick on the top dose. I'm back in the clinic in January and if I'm struggling with sickness I will be put onto injections. It will be hospital every week for 4 weeks to learn how to inject myself, and then everything will be delivered for me to do it at home.

----------

OldMike (12-12-17)

----------


## Paula

your Consultant sounds great and its fab the swellings getting there (odd phrase, sorry)

----------


## Jaquaia

It's such a huge difference! And she's given me a hand written form too to hand in to my doctors so I don't have any messing around getting the extra medication I'll need

----------

OldMike (12-12-17)

----------


## OldMike

Just been catching up on your posts Jaq looks like your consultant is really on the ball.  :(bear):

----------


## Suzi

I'm so glad that things are heading in the right direction lovely. Make sure you get some anti sickness tablets from the dr if you need them too lovely.

----------


## Jaquaia

She's said that if I have problems with 25mg I'm to go back down to 20mg and get in touch with them so they can get the injections organised.

----------


## Suzi

It's good that you have that in place lovely.

----------


## magie06

Morning. How are things going? All set for Christmas? Have you been busy and wrapped the presents and written the cards. Did you get those cakes remade?

----------


## Suzi

You're quiet lovely, you OK?

----------


## Jaquaia

I've spent most of the day with J today so I'm really good, apart from I'm missing him already. Sad I know. 

Magie, my dad remade them! Presents are all bought and wrapped, just got to buy a frame for my dads and get it wrapped. And got my cards to get written out and posted and I'm all done!

----------


## Suzi

Well done love!

Glad you've had a lovely day!

----------


## magie06

Well done. If Christmas was tomorrow you'd be all set.

----------


## Paula

So glad youve had a good day  :):

----------


## magie06

Just dropping by to say hello.

----------


## magie06

Hi. How are things? You've been quiet this week. I hope things are okay for you.

----------


## Suzi

Hoping you're OK lovely..

----------


## Jaquaia

I've been up and down again, so much so that on Thursday J drove the long way home from work so he could call me and try and find out what was wrong, and then called me later on that night too, spent almost 2 hours on the phone in total just to make sure I was ok. Had a long appointment with my mum on thursday too which didn't help. Seriously thinking about rearranging counselling next week just so I get a week with nothing planned except chilling with J and getting things sorted for christmas.

----------


## magie06

Sounds like something that you need right now.

----------


## Suzi

I agree, maybe you need that break. Are you seeing much of him over Christmas?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm seeing him Monday and probably Wednesday but he'll have his daughter with him. After that I'm not sure as he's off work until the new year, but he's said he'll do all he can to still see me. We'll still talk every day though

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you're going to get to see him and speak to him everyday. Wish it was more for you though...

----------


## Jaquaia

It will be eventually, I just need to be patient. His actions speak VERY loudly  :):

----------

Suzi (17-12-17)

----------


## OldMike

> It will be eventually, I just need to be patient. His actions speak VERY loudly


I don't need to buy a pretty hat do I? Well one has to wear pretty hats at weddings don't they  :O: 

Seriously I hope all continues to go well with you and J  :(nod):

----------


## Jaquaia

Not just yet Mike!!!  :(giggle):

----------


## Paula

Hey sweetie, big hugs  :Panda:

----------


## Jaquaia

Hey lovely! How are you doing? 

I've been flaring since yesterday afternoon. The base of my thumb near my wrist is painful and my thumb is stiff. I've noticed that when I do have a flare up though it's not as bad which is awesome  :):

----------


## Paula

Ok ta  :): 

Can you try to rest it tomorrow? Please?

----------


## Suzi

I think it's to do with the weather, I'm in flare too - which doesn't help you at all, but sometimes it's easier if you know it's not just you. Masses of hugs lovely x

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm going to try and pace this week. I say try as I have coconut ice and gingerbread reindeer to make and 2 cakes to marzipan and ice. I need to go and get a frame for my dads picture and get it wrapped, get all my cards posted, pick my prescription up, go and get dog food, go and get the last of the stuff in for christmas, the dog needs bathing, need to go and pick up her worming tablet from the vets, remember to get the turkey out of the freezer and then I have to be sociable on Christmas Eve. Not to mention J is popping to see me tomorrow before work, possibly wednesday and Friday too. Although he will make me rest...

----------


## magie06

It sounds like a very busy week Jaq. TRY to rest and pace yourself, and enjoy J's company when you see him.

----------


## Suzi

If it doesn't all get done, then so be it! No point hurting yourself over it so you can't enjoy Christmas at all..

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm planning to spread it out over the week, and J is very protective of me, he will make me sit down and rest if I mention I'm tired or struggling. It's quite sweet really and taking some getting used to.

----------


## Suzi

I know how it was when I got together with someone after a couple of hideous experiences... Enjoy it lovely. You deserve it.

----------

Jaquaia (18-12-17)

----------


## Jaquaia

Thanks Suzi  :):  I know it's going to be difficult for a while but I think he's worth it, and he certainly seems to think I am  :): 

Feeling pretty dodgy today but at least cuddling up with J for an hour or so made me forget just how sick I'm feeling for a little while.

----------


## magie06

Hi. Sounds like you had a lovely time this morning. Did you get anything done from your list?

----------


## Jaquaia

I haven't as I feel like throwing up! Although my mum grabbed my prescription for me when she went to the shops. Plan tomorrow is get the frame, get everything posted and get the cakes marzipanned!

----------


## magie06

Can you take something to take that feeling away?

----------


## magie06

Have you your cards stamped or do you need to get to the post office? If they were already stamped you could just stroll to the post box and throw them in. 

It sounds like you are aiming high for tomorrow
 But go for it. If you have the energy, go and get as much off that list as possible. But don't forget to pace!

----------


## Jaquaia

I need stamps and have 14 cards to post plus 2 parcels so people in the queue behind me will love me!!!

----------


## magie06

Don't worry. They will be behind you, so you won't be held up.

----------


## Jaquaia

:(rofl):

----------


## Paula

Hows the nausea?

----------


## Jaquaia

It's easing a little but I have just eaten! 

I have no idea what my dad has done to the bloody christmas cakes but it's going to take a miracle to make one of them look edible!!!

----------


## Suzi

Just cut the top and the bottom off or do what my Dad did one year after he and my Mum had (yet another) blazing row and made it into a ski slope  :(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

How about if it's broken into 3 pieces  :(:

----------


## Suzi

Then you stick it together with apricot jam or brandy cream  :O:  By the time you've got everyone "merry" then they won't notice anyway!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm sure I'll manage to do something with it....

----------


## Suzi

Go "abstract" or "deconstructed"....

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't eat it so I don't care. They should have gone with my recipe from last year as that turned out spot on and my bro-in-law raved about how good it was. My dad said it was lovely too! But because the little princess complained about the nuts in it, my dads now decided it was too rich and they all wanted the normal cake. Well  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  to them! They shouldn't have complained and I would have made them

----------


## Paula

Hey hunni, that doesnt sound like you - you ok?

----------


## Jaquaia

I am at the moment but that could change as I'm about to head in to town. My mood just seems to be very changeable at the moment

----------


## Suzi

I agree with Paula - not heard you talk about anyone or anything like that before. Are you continuing to keep a mood diary?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm keeping track. 

Mamaged to do town and get the frame today and going to start marzipanning the cakes soon.

----------


## Jaquaia

Both cakes are now marzipanned!!! Going to go and frame my dads pic now and get it wrapped.

----------


## Suzi

You're a whirling dervish! I haven't even made our cake yet........ I'm not sure we'll even get round to it at this rate!

----------


## Jaquaia

Pic is wrapped and so is the last thing I picked up for my mum. Need to go and wash the pots now though

----------


## Jaquaia

I feel like I haven't stopped today. I've sorted the cakes, finished my christmas shopping, wrapped it, washed the pots, cooked the dogs meat, wrote a load of cards out, helped do tea, showered and blow dried my hair. Yet looking back at it, it doesn't look like a lot so why am I so tired?

----------


## magie06

That's a lot to have achieved today. You did very well.

----------


## Suzi

That looks like a huge amount to me!

----------


## magie06

Have you planned an easy day today?

----------


## Suzi

How are you today lovely lady?

----------


## Jaquaia

J has just left to go and collect his daughter. We've just spent the morning cuddled up watching "It's A Wonderful Life" and talking. It's been lovely  :):

----------

Paula (20-12-17),Suzi (20-12-17)

----------


## Suzi

Good. I'm glad.

----------


## Angie

Sounds like a good morning hunni x

----------


## magie06

How did you get on after lunch?

----------


## Jaquaia

I got stressed as hell with my mum, not looking forward to Christmas, just want to hide away from everything.

----------


## Suzi

Oh no lovely, do you want to talk about it?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not really paying enough attention to the road amd then trying to make excuses. It doesn't help that my mood is so changeable either, or that I'm missing J

----------


## Suzi

How are you feeling today lovely?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm finding it hard to get out of bed if I'm honest

----------


## Paula

Do you have to be busy today? Could it help to have a duvet day?

----------


## magie06

Is there much that you have to do?

----------


## Jaquaia

I need to make a start on the gingerbread, J has asked for rude gingerbread people so making those will make me giggle! Gingerbread reindeer for the more mature people. Made the coconut ice and that's setting in the fridge.

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart, when are you pacing?

----------


## Jaquaia

Everytime I stop I get agitated. Still not done much, made the mixture for the coconut peppermint chocolates and the coconut ice and that's it. Not even started the gingerbread. And my dad has been drinking since he got home from work so I'm getting even more wound up as he's wittering on at me and repeating himself. Not doing great today really.

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart, I hope you've managed to get some rest and had some time on your own to chill a bit....

----------


## Jaquaia

By half 6 I was on the edge of a breakdown and had to fight off a full blown panic attack. I had a shower after tea and I'm a lot calmer now but feel shattered

----------


## S deleted

Sorry chick if I’ve added to that

----------


## Jaquaia

You haven't! Don't think it helps that I aren't out much anymore

----------


## Suzi

Oh lovely, I'm sorry things have got that bad... Can you organise to go out tomorrow?

----------


## Jaquaia

I have to go for dog food first thing then I'm treating myself to some brioche from aldi and then it will be chilling with J for a couple of hours before finishing the last bit of shopping whem my dad finishes work. 

My mood swings seem to be getting more and more extreme, it's something I need to bring up with my doctor. I'm glad I rearranged counselling now as I think that may have been a step too far for me this week.

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you've got plans to chill a bit today.. I think you are right. These mood swings definitely need to be bought up with your Dr. They do seem as though their intensity is increasing. Is the speed they change at getting faster too?

----------


## Paula

:Panda: . Does this have anything to do with J?

----------


## Jaquaia

Not really Paula, though he can calm me better than anything, even diazepam. Last night it was my dads drinking that set me off, today it's just my mum talking to me that's irritating me. Some days it's just being around certain people. I'll be much calmer and content when J is here and I'll be a lot calmer tonight when my brother is here. Other days it's just how I wake up. 

Suzi, possibly, I hadn't really noticed the speed but I'm starting to notice that some days I can be fine in the morning and climbing the walls by the afternoon.

----------


## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

----------

Jaquaia (22-12-17)

----------


## magie06

How is it going? Did you get up to much today or was today a day for taking things easy?

----------


## Jaquaia

I went shopping for dog food then J came to see me to bring me my Christmas presents. He really should have stayed in bed as he's really not well but he said he really wanted to see me. He got me a beautiful book of poetry and a pair of TARDIS studs, appealling to the nerd and the bookworm in me  :O:  I gave him his gifts and we just cuddled up and watched a film and talked.  :(inlove):

----------


## magie06

That sounds lovely. I hope your mood has treated you nicely today. What I mean is that I hope there hasn't been a drop in mood.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm starting to get wound up with my dad again as he seems to be more interested in drinking, smoking and talking about work with my brother. There is no wonder I feel like an outsider as he's the same with my sister and her partner. I can't really join in any of the conversation.

----------


## Suzi

Can you find something to distract yourself? 
You really are amazing.

----------


## Jaquaia

I went into the kitchen and cooked tea. I did have a huge wobble though where I had to really fight the urge to grab the tray out of the oven with my bare hands

----------


## Paula

:Panda:  but you didnt. Youre an amazing, kind, funny woman - you may not be able to join in there but you can and do here, among people who love you

----------

Jaquaia (22-12-17)

----------


## Suzi

Paula's right. Here you are loved and shine...

----------

Jaquaia (22-12-17)

----------


## Jaquaia

Thanks ladies. I'm feeling a lot calmer now. Going to curl up with my Christmas present I think and just relax now

----------


## magie06

I hope that you are enjoying your gift!

----------


## Suzi

Hope that you are feeling calmer and more settled today lovely.

----------


## Jaquaia

So far so good. Got the cakes to ice and need to coat the peppermint in chocolate and planning on leaving the gingerbread for now as don't think my hands will hack it!

----------


## OldMike

A beautiful Christmas card popped through my letterbox just now, a big thanks Jaq  :(bear):

----------

Jaquaia (23-12-17)

----------


## Suzi

Wow, you've been so busy. I hope you do leave the gingerbread hunnipie x

----------


## Jaquaia

You are very welcome Mike! 

I am going to Suzi, just iced the cakes and it's started my hands off so just going to finish off the peppermints and leave it at that

----------


## magie06

Are your feet up now Jaquaia? I hope that they are and you are enjoying a nice cold drink.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm resting now. Just waiting for tea to arrive and then disappearing again as my dad is slurring so has been drinking a lot AGAIN!!!! I've been watching Line of Duty and really getting in to it.

----------


## Angie

Hope that your now chilling out hunni x

----------


## Jaquaia

I have been. Watched some more of Line of Duty and just had a quick shower. Spoken to J a bit, and ended up telling him exactly what dickhead did to me. The subject came up because dickhead has set up another fb account and messaged me. He says he misses talking to me and wants to help me pay off the debt. That's really thrown me and set my anxiety off a bit. But I think I'm going to go with my gut reaction; that I'd rather struggle and pay off the debt on my own, rather then have anything to do with him again.

----------


## Suzi

I loved Line of duty! 

Maybe you should let him, but I also wouldn't want him to either....

----------


## Jaquaia

Letting him would mean letting him back into my life. I don't really want that, even if it means paying it all myself.

----------


## Angie

Hunni am going to play devil's advocate but are you sure thats not just him trying to get back into your life rather than help?

----------


## Jaquaia

That's what I'm thinking. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him.

----------


## Suzi

I completely agree. I know he should pay, but I know I wouldn't accept it from him. Block him from all means of contact.

----------


## Paula

Definitely block him

----------


## Jaquaia

He's blocked and I've ignored the message request. I think he'd use it as an excuse to manipulate me and J agrees as I talked it through with him. My best friend just asked if he can smack him

----------


## Paula

Well done  :):

----------


## Flo

Not that I know much about it as I've been 'missing' for so long but you're an independent woman and don't want to be beholden to DH...get rid...a simpler and less painful solution!Add me to your 'smack' list! :O:

----------

Jaquaia (24-12-17)

----------


## magie06

How are things? Is today a good day?

----------


## Jaquaia

Today is mixed. Got home from my sisters and I've decided to come and start series 2 of Line of Duty

----------


## magie06

That's a good idea. Takes you away from the mayhem for a while.

----------


## magie06

How are you now?

----------


## Jaquaia

Feeling a bit flat really so relaxing watching Line of Duty

----------


## Suzi

MAssive hugs lovely (hugs)

----------


## Paula

:(bear):

----------


## Suzi

Hope things are good lovely x

----------


## OldMike

Merry Xmas Jaq hope all goes well today  :(bear):   :Panda:

----------


## magie06

I hope that you are enjoying your day. Happy Christmas.

----------


## Jaquaia

It's been ok thanks magie. Happy Christmas

----------


## Suzi

Have you been able to speak to J at all?

----------


## Jaquaia

He texted me this morning to wish me happy christmas and to tell me how much he's missing me  :):  apparently his little girl has been manic and it also happens to be his sons birthday today!!! So not expecting much from him until a lot later.

----------


## Suzi

Hope you've managed to get some space as and when you needed it...

----------


## Jaquaia

I sat reading to Scarlett a fair bit, it was fun reading about Gerald the giraffe while trying to stop her eating the book but she loved it  :):  and came home with my brother so got a bit of a break then too. And disappeared about 5 to finish watching series 2 of Line of Duty. We've not bothered with a proper dinner, just had a buffet so only just eating. Wanted to throw up at my sisters so been picking all day to settle my stomach.

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni  :(bear):  Hope you're feeling less sick... Sounds like you've had a pretty fab day all in all x

----------


## Jaquaia

It's been pretty good. I especially liked it when it was just me and Scarlett reading "Giraffes Can't Dance" as everyone else was in the dining room part  :):

----------

Suzi (25-12-17)

----------


## magie06

It sounds like a lovely day.

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know why, but I reached my limit a few hours ago and have spent a lot of the past few hours crying. Ridiculous really

----------


## Paula

You dont know? Youve been running around like a baf making and baking for everybody else, your dads been drinking, your mums not well but not helping herself and youve been dealing with hospital appt after hospital appt.  youre in pain and dealing with physical health worries and your time with the one person who makes you feel better is severely limited. Its not ridiculous, lovely  :(bear):

----------

Suzi (26-12-17)

----------


## Jaquaia

When you put it like that...

----------


## Jarre

:Panda:

----------


## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Totally not ridiculous. I completely agree....

----------


## Jaquaia

Having another bad night, broke down in tears again. Even J was struggling to make me smile. So watching Line of Duty with a bag of minstrels

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  Could it be partly hormonal? Although you are allowed to be emotional after everything you've been going through....

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know, I've not had a period since mid-September so possibly. I just know I'm finding it so hard at the moment. I'm struggling to be around my family and just want to hide in my room, I'm not eating properly and haven't since saturday and my drinking isn't great either. I've stopped crying as I have Line of Duty to keep my mind occupied but I did have to fight the urge to burn my hand when I lit a candle earlier. Feeling a little calmer now though

----------


## Paula

How are you this morning?

----------


## Jaquaia

I feel numb at the moment. Currently building up the energy to get up.

----------


## Suzi

Can you focus on your breathing? Drinking water?

----------


## Jaquaia

Been sipping water since I woke up at 7

----------


## Suzi

And how's your mood? What plans have you got today?

----------


## Jaquaia

Mood is very flat today. I've eaten as J made me promise him I would. I've got a glass of orange juice and I'm medicated. Even got dressed and washed. Other then that, I'm thinking picking at food and watching more Line of Duty

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you're eating and drinking and medicated and washed and dressed - those are all amazing positives. Flat isn't brilliant, but it's better than it could be...

----------


## Jaquaia

If I had my way I would still be in bed asleep but trying to fight it. I know I would just use it as something I could beat myself with as I already feel like I'm drowning.

----------


## Suzi

No drowning allowed - *throws life ring*

----------


## Jaquaia

Got my appointment through, 8th Jan. That seems really quick? Is it normally that quick?

----------


## Suzi

It'll be the same as it is for breast clinic - a two week rule. It's a good thing it's quick. Can J go with you?

----------


## Jaquaia

I don't know. I don't know if I'd even ask him as it could make things difficult for him.

----------


## Suzi

You don't want to go alone - I know that from my first urgent breast clinic referrals. Ask him. The kids should be back at school then, but allow him to step up...

----------


## Paula

I agree. You cant go alone

----------


## Jaquaia

I'll be ok

----------


## OldMike



----------


## Paula

> I'll be ok


No woman would be ok with this. Stop being stubborn and ask for help

----------


## S deleted

If I could I’d be there in a flash to hold your hand.

----------


## Jaquaia

> No woman would be ok with this. Stop being stubborn and ask for help


Well that's me told!!!




> If I could I’d be there in a flash to hold your hand.


I know you would

----------


## Suzi

So are you going to ask him to go with you?

----------


## Paula

^^^wss

----------


## Jaquaia

No, as it turns out he's working so I haven't asked. He's going to come and see me beforehand though

----------


## Suzi

So who is going with you?

----------


## Suzi

> So who is going with you?


Actually scrap that. Ask him anyway. Surely he can take a long or changed lunch break or something? I wouldn't want to go alone and sitting in that waiting room is hard enough with someone by your side when all manner of horrible thoughts are going through your mind. PLEASE ask him....

----------


## Jaquaia

He's back on normal duties now so no longer working in Hull. I will consider asking him, but I was going to go on my own.

----------


## Suzi

How are you today hun?

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm coming down with something so yay! Not!

----------


## Suzi

Oh no! Hope it's not the cough cold virus that we've all got/had.

----------


## Jaquaia

I think it is. J is feeling really bad about it as he was poorly when I saw him on friday but it's more likely I caught it from my dad.

----------


## S deleted

My money is on you catching it from J cos I doubt very much you’ve been swapping spit with your Dad  :P:

----------


## Jaquaia

Ewwwwwwww!!!!

----------


## magie06

I hope you feel a little better.

----------


## Jaquaia

Well I've eaten, wasn't really hungry but I've had J, and now my friend Annie telling me off for not looking after myself properly! Mainly got a sore throat, stuffy nose, bit of a headache and sneezing so been binge watching boxsets.

----------


## Suzi

Glad you have eaten love. Have you had enough to drink?

----------


## magie06

Have you taken anything for it? Some cold and flu remedies perhaps? There is a very good one where you take one tablet early in the morning, and another when you are going to bed. I can't remember what it's called but I think it was made by the people who make 'night nurse'. I've found it very good in the past.

----------


## Jaquaia

I've drank more then I have been. Tickly throat is annoying me as it makes me want to gag. Just had a shower so the plan now is to sprawl out with a bag of wine gums and a bottle of water and carry on with Luther

----------


## Suzi

Marc's been drinking lemsip and I've been sucking Halls (and drinking port or tia maria as they both are sticky and coat your throat..)

----------


## Jaquaia

Hate lemsip, might grab some covonia though. Can barely move my wrist now though, could do with my immune system settling down.

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## Angie

:(bear):

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## Paula

How are you doing?

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## Suzi

Flares are horrible... *Sends much sympathy*

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## Jaquaia

I feel crap. It feels like it's all gone on to my chest, my throat feels like I've swallowed razor blades, I have a headache and my nose is blocked, plus flaring.

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## magie06

Have you managed to get an appointment with your doctor. It might be a chest infection that will need an antibiotic.  :Panda:

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## Suzi

Get to the Dr lovely - please?

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## Jaquaia

It's only a virus so there's not much they can do really. I'm making sure I'm drinking plenty, resting and eating as and when I'm hungry.

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## magie06

How was the rest of today? Did you hear from J at all today?

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## Suzi

Hope you are feeling at least a little brighter  :O:

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## Jaquaia

I talk to J every day magie, he makes a point of it  :): 

Mood wise I'm feeling a bit more level, just grotty!

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## magie06

Did you get to the chemist to get something for it? Or have you heated some honey and lemon and taken that? It sooths the throat and gives some relief to a chesty cough.

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## Suzi

:(bear):  :(bear):

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## magie06

How are things today?

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## Suzi

Morning lovely?

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## Jaquaia

Morning. Still full of cold so just planning on taking it easy. It's really wiping me out.

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## magie06

Hope taking easy has happened today. Put your cold to bed and stay there.

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## Jaquaia

I've just been watching Luther again. Getting a little addicted to that too, it's brilliant!

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## magie06

But you were taking it easy. That's what counts.

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## Suzi

Luther is awesome  :O:

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## Paula

Just sending gentle hugs  :(bear):

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Jaquaia (30-12-17)

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## Jaquaia

I just need to keep an eye on this cough, but it feels like it's starting to break.

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## magie06

That's great news. Stay put and maybe tomorrow it will be a little easier. Have you tried the honey and lemon?

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## Jaquaia

No, it makes me want to throw up so I avoid it.

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## magie06

I totally agree with you. It used to do that to me too. My gran used to whisk up egg whites, sweeten them with the honey and add lemon juice. They used to make me take it by the spoonful.

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## Paula

Ewwww. Mind you, my gran relied on vicks. For everything. Including her leg ulcer ...... grans arent always right  :O:

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## Suzi

Eww yuk Magie! 
Whisky? lol

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## Jaquaia

Whiskey makes me want to vomit too. Suppose I can get some honey and have honey and hot lemonade!

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## Suzi

Yup, go with that lol

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## magie06

How is the cough today?

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## Jaquaia

My chest is hurting a bit but it's easier to cough today itms?

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## magie06

It is beginning to sound a lot like a chest infection. Will you see anyone over the next few days?

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## Jaquaia

I'm an old hand at this, I've had recurrent bronchitis since I was a kid. I know when I need to see a doctor, trust me.

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## magie06

Okay. You know your own body. Take care though because the Australian flu has hit here and 10 people have died from it in the last few weeks.

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## Suzi

Hope you are having a good weekend lovely.

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## magie06

I hope you enjoy your evening.

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## Jaquaia

I'm just resting finishing Luther

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## Suzi

OO what's the next boxset? I'm currently binging on Happy Valley lol

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## Jaquaia

I'm not sure yet. I may even do some knitting for a change!

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## Suzi

What's the next project?

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## Jaquaia

Thinking a patchwork blanket in apple green, pale pink, cream and white

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## Paula

Sounds pretty  :):

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## Jaquaia

Fingers crossed. I want to learn some new stitches.

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## Suzi

That sounds awesome  :O:

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