# Help and Advice > Coping with Depression >  ophelia's room TRIGGERS

## ophelia

not sure what's going in this thread (good positive news stories, maybe the odd funny thing that happened to me)

but i've seen some members here have their own thread

so now so do I

if i'm going to use it.. well, that's another thing entirely.

ophelia

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## Paula

Lol Ophelia, Im lookimg forward to whatever you fancy talking about  :O:

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## ophelia

> Lol Ophelia, I’m lookimg forward to whatever you fancy talking about




to be honest paula, I doubt i'll return to this thread.

i'll think of something and think right, well, that needs a thread

lol who knows though. i've only just posted it

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## Paula

The thing is, keeping this sort of thread does make it easier for other members to have some sort of context and history in that they can easily look back over what youve written rather than trying to navigate multiple threads. It can get confusing otherwise. Id always encourage using a diary thread.....

On that note. Do you fancy telling us a bit about yourself?

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## OldMike

Hi Ophelia, just post what you want. Some people post what they do on a day by day basis others post about their feelings and problems and often we'll post humourous stuff.

The thing is there isn't any definite form your posts should take all we ask is that you respect others and follow the forum rules  :): 

Don't tell me Ophelia's room is going to be an empty room, I 'm sure you're you fill it with a range of stuff.  :):

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Paula (19-11-17)

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## ophelia

> The thing is, keeping this sort of thread does make it easier for other members to have some sort of context and history in that they can easily look back over what you’ve written rather than trying to navigate multiple threads. It can get confusing otherwise. I’d always encourage using a diary thread.....
> 
> On that note. Do you fancy telling us a bit about yourself?




i'm ophelia, I live in the UK, and enjoy trivia quizzes.

I listen to all types of music, I especially like music from the 1960's and 70's

I read a lot of agatha christie and ruth rendell, daniele steel, and rebecca shaw.

I've been bipolar for 15 years now, and I'm currently on a high.

I enjoy shakespeare, especially the play romeo and juliet.

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## Suzi

I love Shakespeare! 

Do you have any support where you are?

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## ophelia

> I love Shakespeare! 
> 
> Do you have any support where you are?




a little

but I rely on places like this (and this is the only i've really stuck with for more than a day. lol)

I have therapy on fridays, so that's good- and I have my psych doc
but it's not enough...

12 43, I've not even gone out yet to buy my meat

not even dressed yet

lazy miss ophelia

lol

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## Suzi

I'm glad you are sticking with us lol

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## Paula

Its sunday,youre allowed to be lazy  :O: 

Are you on any meds?

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## ophelia

> It’s sunday,you’re allowed to be lazy 
> 
> Are you on any meds?




I am lazy every day lol.

I am on so many meds, and over the years they have changed a lot.

still not found a combo that works for me though

suzy. I am glad I am sticking around too.

the  only suggestion I have so far is that their's no place to write feedback and suggestions

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## Suzi

You can in the forum help section  :O:

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## ophelia

> You can in the forum help section




their's a forum help section?

I see the anouncements section, where the members are kept current on forum news, but..

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## Paula

There you go 

http://www.dealingwithdepression.co....dates-and-Help

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## ophelia

> There you go 
> 
> http://www.dealingwithdepression.co....dates-and-Help




I am so thick.

it is that one.... I can't believe that

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## Paula

Not thick at all!  :):

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## ophelia

I just posted my suggestion.

have a look if you want.

I think it makes sense

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## Suzi

I'll have a look  :O:

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## ophelia

> I'll have a look



I just saw your reply to it

thanks..

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## Suzi

How are you today?

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## ophelia

the disney story I promise..

Brave schoolgirl, 11, with cerebral palsy taken on her final journey by Snow White at her Disney-themed funeral
Brave schoolgirl, 11, with cerebral palsy taken on her final journey by 

Snow White at her Disney-themed funeral 
A DISNEY-LOVING little girl who died after a long battle with illness was 

led to her funeral by Snow White after family friends clubbed together to 

give 

her a fairy-tale send off. 

Tiny Crystal Sinclair-Jones died last October after a life-long battle 

with the cerebral palsy, global developmental delay, and chronic lung 

disease. 

Brave Crystal was given a princess-themed funeral, with family friend 

Anji Reeves stepping in at the last minute to lead the procession dressed 

as Snow 

White. 

Mourners raised £392 to cover the funeral expenses in a bit to reduce the 

stress on Cystal's grieving parents. 

Mum Jeanette and Dad Brian put on brave faces as they led tributes to 

their tragic daughter, who Brian described as "a lovely little girl" in a 

moving 

eulogy. 

A written tribute left with flowers and a hat, addressed from "Uncle 

Gary, Auntie Ellie and the girls", read: "God saw you getting weary so he 

did what 

he thought was best - he put his arm around you and he whispered 'come to 

rest'. 

"You can take my hat now as you always thought it was funny when you 

knocked it off. 

"Sleep tight, angel." 

The procession was made up of a pink hearse and several white cars, with 

floral tributes from family members spelling out "Boo Boo" and "sister", 

and featured 

cuddly toys with balloons in the shape of unicorns. 

Ms Reeves said: "The service and procession went very well - the tributes 

just kept pouring in for Crystal. 

"I am close to the family and I stayed with them afterwards - lots of 

people came to pay their respects after the service." 

Uncle Keith Benson paid tribute to his niece on Facebook shortly after 

the service, writing: "My darling little niece was placed in God's hands 

today. 

"Thank you to everyone for your kind words and thoughts for Crystal. 

"I know Brian and Jeanette will be overcome with your kindness - that's 

what Croydon is all about." 

One comment read: "No amount of darkness will hide her light. My sincere 

condolences to the family." 

Another said: "What a beautiful send off - Snow White, a pink limo and 

unicorn and dove tributes. I've never seen such a lovely, girly 

procession - how 

fitting, how lovely."

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## Suzi

That is truly heartbreaking - beautiful, emotional and so very very sad....

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## ophelia

> That is truly heartbreaking - beautiful, emotional and so very very sad....




A written tribute left with flowers and a hat, addressed from "Uncle 

Gary, Auntie Ellie and the girls", read: "God saw you getting weary so he 

did what 

he thought was best - he put his arm around you and he whispered 'come to 

rest'. 

saddest thing ever

what a lovely tribute

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## Suzi

It really is.

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## ophelia

I heard back from my email!

remember I said I sent an email about liking the tv show don't say it bring it?

UK tv replied to me thanking me and giving me the information I asked them about

I am so happy!. 

other than hearing from daniele steel (yes, I have had an email from her in the past), this has to be the best email i've got in a long time.

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## Suzi

Glad you've heard back.

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## ophelia

so,

where ever I seem to go, or what ever I seem to do, I keep seeing the number 11
and I don't know why.

I thought perhaps it was just current bad luck that number 11 seems to be everywhere, but now I don't think that

I believe i'm seeing the number 11 for a reason and i've been trying to think of things with 11 that could have possibly triggered it

my only real Idea is 9/11, but that was years ago, and I wasn't even near the situation

this is happened in the past though with other numbers, and even people's names.

do you think their's something to it?

ophelia

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## Suzi

I wouldn't read anything into it...

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## Paula

No, I dont  think theres anything in it. Its like when you buy a new car and you constantly see the same car - make, model and colour, everywhere you go. If youe looking for something or somethings on your mind, youll see it everywhere

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## OldMike

Your mind is probably playing tricks, try not to let it bother you.

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## ophelia

of others dying

when I see it on the news.. these people got shot or what ever, I get so envious.

it's really sad, yes

but where I am coming from is this:

these people are usually people with a lot to live for, people who get a lot out of life.. in some cases, children- who have not even begun to live yet.
 and I think... why not me?

i'm here taking up space, unhappy with my life and how it's turned out, yet I'm forced to continue

it's almost like a curse..

why does this happen

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## ophelia

and the high is over for now.

crashing back to depression and pretty fast

feels strange coming down so quickly

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## ophelia

> I wouldn't read anything into it...


I've always been a little supersticious
these things.. break a mirror and get 7 years bad luck- they are true, in my opinion

I've never broken a mirror... I try not to

for that reason- because I believe it

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## S deleted

So what exactly are you saying? Is it envy as such or are you wishing you could trade places so they could live their lives and your pain be ended? I have to admit I feel like I’m only living for everyone else. My kids, family, friends, even my dog cos I don’t seem to get any satisfaction from anything I do. Decisions are made based on which is the least awful option not because I want to do it itms. It’s all become a bit of a drag.

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## ophelia

> So what exactly are you saying? Is it envy as such or are you wishing you could trade places so they could live their lives and your pain be ended? I have to admit I feel like I’m only living for everyone else. My kids, family, friends, even my dog cos I don’t seem to get any satisfaction from anything I do. Decisions are made based on which is the least awful option not because I want to do it itms. It’s all become a bit of a drag.




I am saying that I am the one in a lot of emotional pain, and usually the people you hear about arn't- usually the people still want to live and have stuff they want to do

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## Paula

Ophelia, Ive added a trigger warning to your thread. While your post doesnt exactly come under our standard triggers, this is a subject that is tough for some. Also, Ive merged 3 of your threads into your diary thread as youve created several new threads today that dont really need to be stand alone.

Ill reply to your thread later, if I may, as a friends just turned up  :O:

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## Suzi

> I am saying that I am the one in a lot of emotional pain, and usually the people you hear about arn't- usually the people still want to live and have stuff they want to do


You don't know that they aren't in a lot of emotional pain. It's very rare that you see behind the masks that people put up. I know from the outside the lives of people I know look fantastic, but it's only when you dig around or get to know someone that you know completely differently...

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## ophelia

> You don't know that they aren't in a lot of emotional pain. It's very rare that you see behind the masks that people put up. I know from the outside the lives of people I know look fantastic, but it's only when you dig around or get to know someone that you know completely differently...



using an example,

the manchester attacks

most of the people killed during the manchester attacks didn't have a choice.

some of them were young teenagers who had barely begun to live, others were parents of children, some of them were just on a good night out

this is what i'm saying

these people have reasons to live, and shouldn't be killed

people like me don't have a reason to live, yet still are forced to survive

seems unfair

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## Suzi

I'm sorry that you feel that it's unfair you have life. This isn't something that will last forever. Things will change.

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## ophelia

> I'm sorry that you feel that it's unfair you have life. This isn't something that will last forever. Things will change.




I've been hearing that now for years

sadly though this isn't a fairytale where everything ends happily ever after... this is life, and in this case, a very wasted one.

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## Suzi

I don't think it's wasted. I've enjoyed having the chance to get to know you a little.

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## Paula

How old are you? (roughly, you do t have to be specific if you dont want)

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## ophelia

> I don't think it's wasted. I've enjoyed having the chance to get to know you a little.


thanks, suzy. that's the nicest thing said to me for, well.. a long time. I really apreciate that. maybe we can get to know each other some more

paula, to give you a rough idea of how old I am, I was born in the 1980's so not that old

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## Paula

Ok, so life isnt a fairytale. For anyone. Ive been through some pretty traumatic stuff (worse than some, not as bad as others) and there were times when I thought like you. That my life was a waste and that there was no real future ahead of me. The only difference between you and me is time - Ive had time to adjust to whats gone wrong, had time to forgive myself and to stop beating myself up. And Ive had time to listen to my friends here, who all understand and empathise, and, with their support, dust myself off and make a life that isnt what I thought it would be, but is still a good life. Not a fairytale but Im happy.

Give us time to help you, lovely, your life will change for the better

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Suzi (24-11-17)

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## Suzi

> thanks, suzy. that's the nicest thing said to me for, well.. a long time. I really apreciate that. maybe we can get to know each other some more
> 
> paula, to give you a rough idea of how old I am, I was born in the 1980's so not that old


 We're somewhere roughly not so different in age give or take about 10 years lol... 
You seem like a lovely, sociable, lively, intelligent lady and I am sure that there is so much happiness in store for you..

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## ophelia

> Ok, so life isn’t a fairytale. For anyone. I’ve been through some pretty traumatic stuff (worse than some, not as bad as others) and there were times when I thought like you. That my life was a waste and that there was no real future ahead of me. The only difference between you and me is time - I’ve had time to adjust to what’s gone wrong, had time to forgive myself and to stop beating myself up. And I’ve had time to listen to my friends here, who all understand and empathise, and, with their support, dust myself off and make a life that isn’t what I thought it would be, but is still a good life. Not a fairytale but I’m happy.
> 
> Give us time to help you, lovely, your life will change for the better




it's true lives can change, sure, and I am so glad for you that your life is a happy one

I don't think mine can, to be honest

not because of the depression and stuff gone on, but because of emotional pain threshhold

I'm sure you'd agree with me that we all handle pain diffrently and some can take more than others (emotional pain this is)
reasons people may want to commit suicide is a good example of this.

some people's reasons for wanting to commit suicide may seem trivial to others, but a lot to them

same in reverse

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## Suzi

Are you seeing anyone for counselling - sorry if you've already answered - it's hard keeping track of all the members both here and the Facebook page...

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## ophelia

> Are you seeing anyone for counselling - sorry if you've already answered - it's hard keeping track of all the members both here and the Facebook page...


I have a weekly therapy on friday afternoon for about an hour or so.

helpfull?

sometimes

more often though I feel I'm not getting much from it

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## Suzi

Is it cbt? Or a different type of therapy?

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## Paula

There is nothing trivial about wanting to commit suicide, for people I talk to, people I care about or for myself. I know about emotional pain, Ophelia, I promise you that. Thats my point, I have been at the very depths of the black pit many times and will probably be there again in the future - thats not defeatist, just a fact of my illness. I have had two options, and I chose to live and to live as well as I could. Please believe me, I do not take your illness lightly, nor do I think its a walk in the park and you can click your fingers and all will Be well. So if I gave that impression, Im sorry. But I do believe that you can have a life, I do believe you can be happy - maybe not 100% of the time - but you can be happy. I want you to have that opportunity. I want you to be happy.

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## ophelia

> Is it cbt? Or a different type of therapy?




yeah.

CBT

 :):

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## S deleted

Ok let me tell you a story I’ve shared before so for those who have heard it before I apologise and will try to keep it brief. 

Without boring you with the background early in 2013 I’d convinced myself that I was more of a burden to those I loved than a blessing and I was ready to end my life not just to end my own pain but to prevent the further suffering of those around me. I was minutes away from doing the deed when I received a text from a relative stranger at that time showing concern and that was all it took to change my mind. Someone I barely knew reached out to me at a crucial time and if she cared then maybe I was wrong in thinking the world was better off without me. Anyway I didn’t follow through with my plan obviously as I’m still here today. Now fast forward 12 months or so, and I’m chatting on fb messenger with a lass I knew through our joint hobby. She was a mum who had recently had a baby and relationship issues etc. and I just shared my experiences and chatted with her. Just being friendly really. Never really thought anything of that conversation until later when I learned that this woman was ready to end her life and talking to me changed her mind. I’ve no idea exactly what I said but it meant something to her. That got me thinking. If I hadn’t received that random text messages at the moment I did, I wouldn’t have been there to have that conversation which prevented her from ending her life. 

The moral of this story.....yeah life may be crap and seem like it ain’t worth living but each of us are put on this Earth for a reason. We may not understand why we are here or why we have to suffer the way we do, we may never know what our purpose is but the smallest act can have the biggest impact on the people around us and to cut our lives short could have consequences further down the line. I’m not going to pretend it’s easy but tomorrow you could change the lives of others by the simplest act, opening a door for someone, giving up your seat on the bus, or saying good morning to a passerby. It may mean nothing to you but to others it could be a lifeline.

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Paula (24-11-17),Suzi (24-11-17)

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## Suzi

Completely agree.

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## ophelia

I cut my arm today.

nothing major just a little blood...

and yes, self harm- I didn't cut it on furniture or anything

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## Paula

Is it clean and dressed?

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## Suzi

Do you want to talk about why?

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## ophelia

> Do you want to talk about why?




their's not really an individual reason, I don't think.

I've been doing it a lot since the age of 9, I started it because of the abuse I was getting from family, then as I got older, I realised their was more reasons for me to do it.

" I deserve it", or  " this is a release and it works,", or " I hate my body anyway, does it matter if their's scars on it?", etc etc

I have atemted multiple times, and once when I got really close and it still failed, I did it because it failed, and I really hoped it wouldn't.

I've tried alternatives... the elastic on the wrist, the drawing my emotions, etc etc, 

but I do it for the blood- not the pain, so none of those things really helped  me

1 of my friends suggested trying something to simulate blood, like water, or juice, but then I got in to the habbit of infecting the wounds, so..

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## Suzi

One of our members has drawn on herself using red pen before, have you tried that?

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## ophelia

> One of our members has drawn on herself using red pen before, have you tried that?




no.. what a good idea

I might try that

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Paula (25-11-17)

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## Suzi

It's not my idea, but one of our members here. It has helped them in the past.

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## ophelia

> It's not my idea, but one of our members here. It has helped them in the past.




I think a distraction thread would be good.

ways to distract yourself from depression... like a sticky at the top of this forum.

just a thought
yeah.. I tried what you posted here, and actually it's sort of neat. if that member is here now, thank you!
thhoughts are going very fast today

thoughts about ending it all and stuff

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## Paula

Weve got a Distraction thread right here  :):  

http://www.dealingwithdepression.co....ion-Techniques

Hunni, please keep talking to us here. These are just thoughts, you do not need to act on them ........

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## Suzi

As Paula says, they are "just" thoughts. You can push them aside and not act on them.

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## ophelia

> We’ve got a Distraction thread right here  
> 
> http://www.dealingwithdepression.co....ion-Techniques
> 
> Hunni, please keep talking to us here. These are ‘just’ thoughts, you do not need to act on them ........




thanks for the link to that.

useful thread

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## Suzi

How are you feeling today?

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## ophelia

> How are you feeling today?




mostly empty, and wondering the point of my existance

I cut my arm again today, and broke down crying over nothing at all- saying all that though, I do have a small reason to smile.

I just went online and discovered that the bradshaws- complete 25 cd set is going for £130.

and if you don't know who the bradshaws are... it is a radio programme- or rather, was a radio programme about a family who lived during the 1960's, and it was about life in the north of england.

what's so remarkable about it is it's 1 guy doing all the voices

I love the bradshaws, so I really hope it's quick to arive
but apart from that... just emptyness

yeah- I have that box set to look forward too, but how I am.. it may as well not come at all

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## Suzi

When was the last time you saw your Dr?

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## Paula

:Panda:

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## ophelia

> When was the last time you saw your Dr?


friday of last week

so actually not that long ago

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## Suzi

Have you told them how bad you are feeling lovely? Do you have a support worker you can call on?

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## magie06

How are you feeling today?

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## ophelia

> Have you told them how bad you are feeling lovely? Do you have a support worker you can call on?




they know, and they are trying their best.... 

but hmm.

well they can only try, and it's not working

I think even they are starting to struggle... all these med adjustments and nothing seems to be the right one.

and the only people I can really call on are my support forums online- so places like this

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## Paula

What meds are you on/have you tried?

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## Suzi

Have you spoken to a psych or is it "just" your GP in charge of your meds?

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## ophelia

> Have you spoken to a psych or is it "just" your GP in charge of your meds?




a psych also

I'd be worried if it was just my gp... the One I have can't even diagnose simple things

paula, what meds havon't I tried

I've been on mood stabilisers, anti depressants, sleep meds, anti anxiety meds, doctor is running out of options

sometimes I feel like i'm 1 of these cases that are just.... untreatable

let's face it- when I'm in hospital, even the staff are having their doubts about it

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## Suzi

You aren't "untreatable" I'm sure about that. Don't give up.

ETA: Sweetheart I've seen on another thread that you've been in hospital. Are you OK? Do you have support? I'm glad you've come back....  :(bear):   :Panda:

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## Paula

I was considered untreatable too. Im now on a combination of meds that keeps me relatively stable most of the time. As my pdoc said to me, there is always something else out there to try

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Suzi (02-12-17)

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## ophelia

so...

not posted to this thread in a while

going through a really bad case of the christmas blues, which has triggered, among other things, a case of overspending.

on stuff I don't want

unhealthy habbit, yes, and I don't have money I can just throw around on 10 cd sets of musical styles i've never heard of, but it's helping me cope with the emptyness of another christmas alone

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## Suzi

Sorry you're feeling down lovely... Did you ever think more about seeing if there were things you could join in with over the festivities?

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## ophelia

> Sorry you're feeling down lovely... Did you ever think more about seeing if there were things you could join in with over the festivities?




I posted in the other thread (coping with christmas) about where I am on that.

not too late to find something, it is only 5th december.

but like I say... really remote area

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## Suzi

:Panda:  I'm sure there's something..

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## ophelia

hi.

it's me... ophelia.

no, i've not given up on the forum

I have been in hospital (mental health reasons), so i've been unable to post for a while

I hope everyone is doing okay

I am relieved to be out in time for christmas (well I got out on tuesday night, but didn't feel able to use the computer until friday)

have a safe christmas everyone

ophelia

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## Paula

Oh sweetheart, Im sorry things have been so tough. How are you doing?

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## magie06

I hope that you enjoy your day tomorrow and have a very happy and healthy new year.

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## ophelia

> Oh sweetheart, I’m sorry things have been so tough. How are you doing?




honestly?

Iam just glad to be back with you, and suzy, and everyone else who visits these forums.

I have missed you all so much

I'm not doing too bad.

I had a pretty bad panic attack on friday, and felt really low during that evening

weekend's been okay though, for the most part

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## Suzi

Hey lovely... It's good to see you. I was wondering how you are doing. Much love x

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