# Help and Advice > Questions/Information about depression >  What is the most bothering symptoms you faced?

## Ratherblue2

For me,the most bothering symptom is that I do not enjoy the things I used to like when not on medication that's what I remember.Now I can enjoy,period.

What is the most bothering symptom for you now?

----------


## magie06

I think the worst symptom that I have is my loss of memory. I had ECT and it really had the terrible side effect of memory loss for a long time afterwards.

----------


## S deleted

I don't really know. I suppose the lack of self worth is the thing that holds me back the most but low energy and lack of interest in stuff I once enjoyed are pretty high on the list too

----------


## Ratherblue2

I used to struggle from severe lack of self worth.I think I had got past that period,although my self worth raise and go down frequently but it is not the most bother symptom for me though

----------


## Ratherblue2

> I think the worst symptom that I have is my loss of memory. I had ECT and it really had the terrible side effect of memory loss for a long time afterwards.


I would never go for ECT,I hope I won't lol

----------


## Amaya

Magie, that is really harsh. I also had memory loss from taking amytriptaline and it made my depression worse. Not a nice symptom at all. I am always curious when people consent to ECT.. I know it is not the horror treatment it used to be, but it is still a scary idea for most people. Why did you choose to have it? Did it have any benefits for you?

Ratherblue, I hope that you can enjoy those things again in the future. Maybe the effect from the meds won't always be like that  :): 

My most bothering symptom recently was that I had blocked tubes leading to my ears which gave a lot of weird noises. When I had a serious meltdown just before having to go into the hospital about three months ago these sounds turned into the sound of an ambulance. For weeks I could always hear sirens in my ears. Like a permanent reminder that I was ill and needed to be in a hospital. Eventually it became intermittent and then slowly stopped. But that was freaky. Sometimes it was very loud and disoreintating. The best explanation anyone could give me was that my ears were making noise for a physical reason (so luckily no hallucination) but my brain was interpreting it as an ambulance siren because I felt like I was in an emergency. My anxiety had me on breaking point for weeks so that explanation works for me. I hope that sound never comes back though.. I am using a nose spray to unblock my ears. It really made me feel like I was going mad in the hospital. Even when it went away certain noises would make it come back for an hour or two. Like the fans in the toilets that make a circular kind of sound. Luckily I haven't had it once since I left the hospital.

----------


## magie06

Amaya, while I was sick it was recommended to me to have the treatment. I had a course of 6 sessions which left my memory in pieces. 
It may not be the horror treatment it once was, but it is still a horrendous experience to go through. It didn't help my depression one little bit, and like I said it messed up my memory of that time. 
It was offered as a last resort to me at that time, and I actually think that I was unfairly pushed into having that treatment. It is put forward as a modern response to severe depression, when it is still a victorian method of 'curing' depression. 
Before each session, if I can remember correctly, you are given a consent form to sign and brought from your room to the bathroom. From there you are brought to the ECT suite in the hospital where you are given a mild sedation first before being put under an anesthetic. Completely under two probes are placed either side of your forehead and an electric current is passed from a machine into your brain. 
It's a cruel treatment and I'm not sure the consent form would stand up in a court of law, as you are considered too ill to vote or to drive or anything normal like that. How you can consent to having a treatment like this is worrying me, but now I feel it's too long in my past to be able to do anything about it.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  :(bear):  Magie... So sorry you had to go through that. I know you've struggled with it, and I'm not surprised one bit.

----------

magie06 (11-08-17)

----------


## Amaya

I think that is a very good point you made about the consent form. It doesn't sound like it should count. Does your memory work okay now?

I had some memory loss when I took the amytriptaline.. that was recommended by a dentist for a jaw problem so I didn't expect it to have the effects on me it did. My memory and ability to work with numbers has never completely gone back to how it was.. but almost after about three years. And by this time there could be other reasons my brain doesn't function at it's best haha. To be honest I don't care that it made that time hazy now, because it was a horrible time and I already have enough bad memories from then without having all of them. But at the time it was really really distressing and I never want to go through anything like that again. It is the last thing you need when you are in a crisis, is a treatment that makes you less able to function. So I don't think what I went through was as bad as your experience.. but I do understand and I just want to give you a hug: *hug* x

----------


## Paula

I have so many side effects and permanent damage from meds (esp my thyroid disease). But, vainly, only one truly bothers me - weight gain, though the fatigue is also so hard to deal with. Still, none of these side effects compares to how unbearable life is without the meds so I keep going with them

----------


## magie06

Yes. My memory has improved, still not perfect but improved. I've been doing sudkuo puzzles and jigsaw puzzles to try to help my memory. A favourite of mine at the moment is doing dot to dot puzzles for adults. There is a monthly book published just for adults and it's not very expensive. 

I'm thinking of asking for my mental health records to see what was written about me while I was in hospital. I think it would be a very interesting read. I wonder how long do you have to wait for them to be released?

----------


## S deleted

I got my records as of a couple of years ago and they came through really quickly but it was a solicitor requesting them so dunno if that sped things up a bit. It made very interesting reading.

----------


## Amaya

I thought that from the data protection act you had a right to all information that was about you. Every organisation has to has a data protection policy and it should be available for all service users to read. It should state in the policy within what timescale they intend to meet requests for this data. I think it depends on how much information there is and what time they need to organise and send it.. but it should be a number of weeks not years. I could be wrong.. but I don't think so.

----------


## Ratherblue2

My memory had been bad these days but luckily my concentration is still okay.The good thing about my current routine in life is I am relaxed more than usual,at least for about a month now since I changed my routine...now include jogging and my personal hobby

----------


## magie06

I have found out if I require my records I have to get in contact with the HSE, which is the health service here, and just ask them for the records. I would like to do this sooner rather than later to find out when exactly I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. It's a scary diagnosis when I was originally told that I had severe depression. Although I know it doesn't change the way I've been treated or my meds or anything like that. The only reason I'd be interested would be because I know you can get better from depression, but borderline personality disorder is for life.

----------


## Suzi

I hope you get the answers you are looking for lovely x

----------



----------


## Ratherblue2

yes,i dislke also the "chronic" and so call lifelong diagnosis.I rather have depression as my diagnosis with some help and risk of course rather than stuck in like what you said borderline personality disorder,scary...

----------


## Amaya

> borderline personality disorder is for life.


 this is actually not true. The psychiatrist I met at the hospital told me that I could have a full recovery within a year with the right treatment. This may not of course be true for everyone with the diagnosis. But at least it is possible.

And if a professionals opinion wasn't reason enough for me to believe this, I have my own logic: BPD is diagnosis on the basis of behaviours. The behaviours stem from emotional instability. From trauma, high sensitivity, attachments problems, etc etc. this varies from person to person. There may be aspects of the underlying causes that stay with us for life.. but the vast majority can be treated. Therapy aimed at trauma resolution, therapy that gives tools to cope with anxiety or learning how to better handle relationships etc etc. So maybe the sensitivity remains, and certain developmental issues will always have to be taken into account through a healthy self awareness, but the emotional instability can be seriously reduced through a variety of processes. Someone with good emotional stability will no longer behave in the same ways and then you would not meet the criteria for diagnosis any more. 

I am still reading my way through your original thread Magie haha it is long. But you asked this as a question a long time ago, can you recover? I made a note to post an answer when I was finished reading. But now I thought hey I will just say it here. Yes you can recover. A BPD diagnosis need not be a lifelong diagnosis. I am not saying that we won't still have aspects related to BPD that will be a challenge for life, but that is not the same as having the illness as a diagnosis. I believe the psychiatrist and what he told me. I am planning on having the fullest recovery possible for myself and from what I see of your progress dealing with life the universe, your family and everything, I believe you can have the same.

----------

