# Help and Advice > Coping with Depression >  Picking up the pieces again *SU Trigger*

## Strugglingmum

Hi all. Just saying hello. 
Sorry for the silence but I was in hospital again. I'm home and doing ok, not great but ok.
 My head is in a slightly better place. I'm taking it moment by moment and I'm getting through. I have realised that its ok to be struggling and take it slowly again for a while. I am glad to still be here with you all and my family and that is a huge step forward. 
Thank you Suzi for asking if I was ok..... I will be again. 
I will not be around as much as due to some issues I was having I am not doing social media for a while and therefore won't be online too much. 
I also don't have a lot more to say/give at the moment but I will try and keep up with what's happening with you all..... it's not that I don't care but I'm 'tired' :(bear): 


(New thread as last one was a bit long)

----------


## Jaquaia

:Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (28-07-19)

----------


## EJ

:(bear): Sorry you have been unwell and in hospital. I look forward to hearing from you soon xx

----------


## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (28-07-19)

----------


## Paula

Thank you for letting us know, lovely, and Im so glad youre home and doing a bit better  :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (28-07-19)

----------


## Suzi

Oh sweetheart I'm sorry you've been back in hospital. Are you getting lots of support? It's more than OK to take baby steps right now. I'm glad you're glad to still be here - that's a huge positive... 
You don't have to say much at all, but could you just let us know you're OK? You also never have to "give"... As one of our previous mods and all round amazing people said "Sometimes you're the horse and sometimes you're the cart" and then Emmie added "and sometimes you're lying flat out on the back of that cart"

----------

Strugglingmum (28-07-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thank you all. 
Today my focus is eating right, drinking enough and sleeping. I got almost 7 hrs last night courtesy of a little tablet but still exhausted. Doing little bits of house work in between to catch up a bit but not being silly about it. X

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like your focus is right... How is A? The kids?

----------


## Paula

How did your day go?

----------


## Paula

How are you doing, lovely?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hey Paula. I'm ok thanks. Feel like I'm wading through treacle today I'm so tired but I  got ready and went to a knit and natter group this afternoon. I have psychology tomorrow but to be honest I'm considering stopping it at present and try to focus on the future rather than the past and see if I can put the past away behind me. I'll talk it over any way. Other than that I'm just doing what needs doing. Trying to get as much sleep as possible to beat the tiredness but otherwise I'm just being boring...... but boring is ok.  :): 





P.S.. found the drawback in starting a new thread..... I couldn't remember what I had called it and didn't recognise it when scrolling.  Such a clutz!!!

----------


## Suzi

Maybe dealing with the past will help with the present and the future?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Maybe dealing with the past will help with the present and the future?


Maybe. I just feel that there is only so much talking about it that  I can do and maybe its time to stop talking and pack it away for a while. My only concern is that if I discharge myself and later need psychology again, the waiting list is huge and i would probably get a different therapist. Anyway I'll not make a decision without talking to my team about it. I'm not going to do anything rash.

----------


## Suzi

That's all anyone can ask of you lovely xxx

----------


## Strugglingmum

I cannot believe how much sleep i am needing at the moment!! 
I do feel bad as I slept through my alarm this morning and missed my psychology appointment.  I never miss appointments.  I only hope she forgives me. I hate wasting nhs time. not a good start to the day. 
However I am going to listen to my body and rest a lot. I have a couple of wee jobs to do but other than that I'm in rest mode. I am choosing to be kind to me and rest as much as I need to. June and July have been especially busy and tough. Now I rest. And if it takes my body months of rest then I am going to take it as I don't want to push too much and make myself worse. Self-care is definitely my priority now. I've been shocked into it and am listening to my body.

----------


## Jaquaia

Well done lovely. I'm sure your psychologist will understand

----------


## Suzi

Good for you! I'm also sure your psychologist will understand. Just call them to explain - or ask A to do it for you....

----------


## Paula

You obviously needed the sleep and Im so glad youre listening to your body

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hi all. Just checking in. Hope you are all well and doing ok.  :(bear):

----------


## Paula

Hi Hunni, how are you doing?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Hi Hunni, how are you doing?


Im ok. I know thats an awfully frustrating thing to say but its accurate. I'm just nothing. Not happy , not sad, not angry, not anything. Just ok. My tiredness is a bit easier.

----------


## Paula

Baby steps, hunni. Not being so tired is going in the right direction  :(bear):

----------

Strugglingmum (02-08-19)

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart it's as Paula says - baby steps. You're doing great... Are you talking to A?

----------

Strugglingmum (02-08-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Sweetheart it's as Paula says - baby steps. You're doing great... Are you talking to A?


Thanks for the encouragement. got my hair cut and coloured yesterday so although exhausting, it does make it a bit easier to look in the mirror. A and i are like ships that pass in the night at the moment but we are ok. X

----------


## Paula

Having my hair done is always a bit of self care for me  :): 

Can you and A put some time aside this weekend to spend together? Maybe a movie night?

----------


## Suzi

Can you make some time to be together? I know that it's been a while since Marc and I have had any "us" time. We've resorted to blitzing our bedroom to get time alone lol! 
I'm glad you've had your hair done. These things are important.

----------


## Strugglingmum

We made dinner together tonight ao had a catch up. I have also posted stuff on my facebook crochet page. I havent done that in months so thats a positive. X

----------


## Paula

Thats a massive couple of positives  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (02-08-19)

----------


## Suzi

That's brilliant! You're doing all the right things - are you talking?

----------

Strugglingmum (02-08-19)

----------


## Allalone

Sorry to hear that you’ve been in hospital. 

Sounds like today has been a positive one. Thinking of you hun.xx

----------

Strugglingmum (02-08-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> That's brilliant! You're doing all the right things - are you talking?


Yes Suzi we are talking. He is ok. This admission was a choice one....to try and get my meds sorted, so it didn't cause any upset like the emergency one a couple of weeks ago.

----------


## Paula

How are you feeling today, lovely?

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  :Panda:  How are you lovely?

----------


## Strugglingmum

It's a wading through treacle kind of day. My sleep last night felt like a sedated sleep rather than a restful one. However at least i slept, although did have a few nightmares. A and eldest son going to play golf. Daughter is out all day with church youth group so just me and middle child today and he hides in his room a lot so just going to veg. Have a load in the machine and the dishwasher on. Maybe another bit of ironing later but just taking it easy. If i can manage a walk later that would be good. 
Going to do some crochet. I may do a car boot sale next week to get rid of some stuff so thinking may take some bootees with me to try and spread some interest.

----------


## Suzi

Could you guys watch a movie together or something? 
Sorry your sleeping was rubbish, I sympathise totally - maybe a nap might be in order?

----------

Strugglingmum (03-08-19)

----------


## Paula

Sounds like youre doing exactly what you need today

----------

Strugglingmum (03-08-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Lots of crochet today and bathed the dog.
Watched a movie on Netflix tonight with A. well i was crocheting while it was on :(think):

----------


## Suzi

I often crochet through watching things lol! 

What's on today's agenda? How are you feeling?

----------

Strugglingmum (04-08-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

We slept in this morning and didn't make it to church but we took the dog a long walk on the beach instead. We go to one where you meet very few people so Katie can just run and run and run. We had a good chat. I finally got another crochet order so I've started on that. We are heading to church this evening. Mood is ok today and I'm looking forward to church (and it means I had to shower which always makes me feel better but I find incredibly hard to initiate due to PTSD triggers) 
I'm clean, pretty dress on and about to eat dinner of mince and tatties. Pretty pleasing afternoon all round :(happy):

----------

Jaquaia (04-08-19),OldMike (05-08-19)

----------


## Paula

That post made me smile  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (04-08-19)

----------


## Suzi

That post is awesome!!!!

----------

Strugglingmum (04-08-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I've been worrying terribly that my psychologist was really peeved at me for missing my appt last week. She had phoned and I didn't answer because I just couldn't. I had phoned her back and left a message for her that I was returning her call etc. She hadn't got back to me and i thought that I had completely blown it. 
She has just phoned and said she was off and that was why she was only phoning me back now. I have an appt for next week so that is one worry off my mind a bit. 
Now I just have to face my CPN on Friday. The closer it gets the more anxious I am about it.

----------


## Suzi

Oh love you must have been so worried! So glad that it's sorted. 
Why are you worried about your CPN appointment?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I stopped my ADs as I felt they were making me worse. I had given them 3 months and was in a darker place on them than not. I feel a telling off is coming but I definitely feel a bit better since I stopped them.

----------


## Suzi

When did you stop them? Can I ask why you didn't see your Dr about stopping them?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I have no appt scheduled with my psychiatrist yet to have discussed it with him. My GP is great but would tell me to do nothing without seeing psychiatry as they are in charge of my care.By the time that happened I quite honestly wouldn't have been here. 
I've been off them 2 weeks and although flashbacks are more numerous, my overall mood is slightly better.

----------


## Strugglingmum

This morning someone asked me to do a demonstration class that didn't suit me to do. 
I said no!
I didn't feel a twinge of guilt or try to reorganised my life and my family's lives to try and make it suit. 
I simply said, sorry that doesn't suit me, I can't. 
A weird thing to be pleased about but it's a biggie for me.

----------


## Jaquaia

Well done!

----------

Strugglingmum (08-08-19)

----------


## Suzi

That's amazing! I'm so proud of you!

----------

Strugglingmum (08-08-19)

----------


## Allalone

That’s great!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Just a shout out to everyone who is getting or have kids or family members waiting for results tomorrow.  My 2 teens are getting results. I'm doing the whole "results don't define who you are" speech etc but inside my nerves are absolutely shattered. One is at home sipping tea and considering bed, the other is at a house party!!!  :X: 
The difference in how we cope. 
See you call on the other side. Good luck getting some sleep and hopes being met tomorrow.

----------


## Jaquaia

Fingers crossed!!!

----------


## Suzi

I've done the same speech! Good luck to yours!! See you on the other side!

----------


## magie06

An exam is just one result on a particular day. Good luck to all the parents waiting on results tomorrow. Our exam results came out yesterday (Tuesday) and I really pity the families going through the waiting.

----------

Suzi (14-08-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

My sleep has gone to pot. Gave in and had a nap today. 
Took younger 2 out this afternoon to do some jobs. Home and nap. I think I'm starting to realise that I'm really not that well at the moment. 2 consultant appointments on Monday. I'm desperately hoping that they don't say admission but realise that I've not been showing them that I'm coping very well at home. Oh well. I guess its down to me to start turning things around.

----------


## Jaquaia

Maybe admission would give you a chance to focus on yourself and try and get yourself on an even keel?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Maybe but my family don't cope when I am in hospital and that just makes me feel guilty

----------


## Suzi

What are the two consultants appointments? 

In what way don't they cope? Maybe it should be about what helps YOU?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I've an appointment with my psychology consultant and one with my psychiatrist .

----------


## Suzi

OK, so that's going to be a long day. Is someone going with you? What self care things are you putting in place?

----------


## Paula

> Maybe but my family don't cope when I am in hospital and that just makes me feel guilty


Youve all got to think long term, lovely. My family are going to find things tough when Im away for the month but we all know that its going to benefit us all long term. The same goes for you and yours, hun

----------

Strugglingmum (17-08-19)

----------


## Suzi

> OK, so that's going to be a long day. Is someone going with you? What self care things are you putting in place?


Have you thought about asking A to go with you? Partly because having that moral support is always good, but then also so he knows how things really are - and can help if you don't mention everything?

----------


## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (17-08-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I've always done appointments on my own because I can be more honest if A isn't there as I don't want to freak him out with where my head is at. Also I need him to take another day off later this week to help sort my daughter's future plans for September as I have to have my son at the hospital at the same time so he can't take another day off. I will be honest with them, I'm just anxious as to the outcome. The kids futures are so uncertain at the moment that I just can't fall apart right now. I need to keep it together for another while. If they were settled into their courses/jobs etc I feel like I could focus on me a bit but waiting for interviews etc and them looking to me to help coach them thru I just feel under so much pressure to be sharp and focussed and able to think...... i feel like I am none of these things. I wish I was strong and energetic with enthusiasm for life but I'm weak and tired and finding life all too much tbh

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart you aren't falling apart. You are poorly. You are far stronger than you think you are. You are so far from weak! 

I wish you could be kinder to you right now..

----------

Strugglingmum (17-08-19)

----------


## Paula

Sweetheart, theres always going to be something that stops you getting the help you need.  Youre a mum, and a great one, so you're always going to put your kids first but its just as important that you get yourself fit and well so that your family can continue to function, together

----------

Strugglingmum (17-08-19)

----------


## Suzi

Annoyingly, as always, Paula is right. She speaks sense and she understands as she's going in for 4 weeks for her pain course... At the end of the day hunni, I hate to be blunt, but if you are so low you are having such dark thoughts then surely it's best you get the help and get stable rather than not and ending up hurting yourself - or worse? I promise you they'd all rather you went and got the help now.

----------

Strugglingmum (17-08-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thank you both. I hear what you're saying. 
Tonight I put the mask on and we took the 2 younger ones out for a meal to celebrate their results. You are both right it's getting harder to fool them all anyway. I really struggled to join in tonight with the chat etc. I guess we'll see what happens on Monday.

----------


## Suzi

How are you today lovely lady?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Today has been very flat but A and i have talked more and i have agreed to take whatever help I'm offered and do whatever they say. I'm kind of annoyed that I gave in but I guess its for the best, I don't even know what that means. My head is totally spinning.

----------


## Paula

Its not giving in, lovely, its proactively taking all the support youre offered and that you deserve

----------

Strugglingmum (19-08-19)

----------


## Suzi

> Today has been very flat but A and i have talked more and i have agreed to take whatever help I'm offered and do whatever they say. I'm kind of annoyed that I gave in but I guess its for the best, I don't even know what that means. My head is totally spinning.


How is this "giving in?"
I think you're incredibly strong and incredibly brave to be talking things through with A and to be planning to do what is best FOR YOU right now. You are amazing. I'm so proud of you. I think you need this help, so take it. The world is a much better place with you in it lovely.

----------

Flo (19-08-19),Strugglingmum (19-08-19)

----------


## Flo

Listen to the Boss Lady SM...she knows what she's talking about. Look after you and take help whenever it presents itself. :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (19-08-19),Suzi (19-08-19)

----------


## Suzi

How are you lovely? What happened at the appointments?

----------

Strugglingmum (19-08-19)

----------


## Paula

Thinking of you, lovely

----------

Strugglingmum (19-08-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

This morning I saw my psychologist. We talked about things. She gave me some paperwork to give to my psychiatrist. I saw him later in the day. He has changed my meds and will see me again in 3-4 weeks. I will see my psychologist again in 10 days. 
1 of my new meds is supposed to help my sleep. If it doesnt improve in a few days I have to contact my GP who has written instructions as to what to try. 
So that's it. Day done.

----------


## Suzi

Well done lovely. What meds are you changing from and to? How do you feel about it all?

----------

Strugglingmum (19-08-19)

----------


## Paula

Youve got through and theres a plan. A good day

----------

Strugglingmum (19-08-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I am back on Sertraline as it did help with my flasbacks and nightmares. They have added in Mirtazapine as it helps with sleep and hopefully will kick my mood up. 
I'm staying on my quetiapine as well. Im a bit concerned as he said i could get a lot of weight gain with the mirtazipine. I know it a a silly think to be worried about but I guess I'm silly. I won't get the tablets until tomorrow as I had to take the letter from the hospital to my GP surgery and the prescription wont be ready until tomorrow.
I'm not sure how I feel. I do feel quite lost tbh.

----------


## Suzi

You aren't silly... Most of my meds have "weight gain" as a side effect. I'm the size of a blue whale, I don't need more weight gain - but I do need to be able to move, to have my sleep controlled more and to have my funky migraine things controlled better. I am working on the weight loss, and I always will be.... Sometimes the weight gain is the lesser of 2 evils - I know it is for me....

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm sorry. I know there are worse things in life and i should be grateful for the help. It just feels like something else to worry about. My head just seems to be in a negative place and I'm finding it hard to see the positives. I really am becoming more and more self absorbed.

----------


## Jaquaia

You are NOT the size of a blue whale!!!! :^): 

SM, I found mirtazapine was brilliant for helping me sleep. I didn't really have any weight gain from it, so it's not guaranteed  that will happen. There are ways to tackle that though once you're stable

----------

Suzi (20-08-19)

----------


## EJ

Dear SM. I have been taking mirtazapine for a very long time. Initially I suffered weight gain but gradually I lost it. I found that the sleepiness which occurs when you first start taking the drug more difficult to cope with. Mirtazapine can take up to six weeks to start working. I have found it to be the best anti depressant for me as once you start taking it it has fewer side effects than some of the others. I take it to augment the lithium that I am also taking. 
I hope you begin to feel better soon.

----------

Strugglingmum (20-08-19),Suzi (20-08-19)

----------


## Suzi

> I'm sorry. I know there are worse things in life and i should be grateful for the help. It just feels like something else to worry about. My head just seems to be in a negative place and I'm finding it hard to see the positives. I really am becoming more and more self absorbed.


Nothing to be sorry about. You aren't self absorbed at all! These are things that are concerning you and so the best thing is to talk and talk and talk.

----------


## Paula

Mirtazipine can increase your appetite (hence the weight gain) but thats something you can control and do something about. Its not inevitable that youll put on weight. Its completely normal, though, to worry about weight gain from meds - most of us do - so really, really not self absorbed. Ftr, mirtazapine really helped me while I was on it

Suzi, no blue whale references please!

----------

Strugglingmum (20-08-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Have had a poor day but I asked for help. 
I also napped this afternoon.  Really struggling with my appetite at the moment. 
I'm actually really scared to start new medication, I don't even know why.
 I'm dreading bedtime and having to take a new medication.  What is wrong with me... I feel like such a wuss at the moment.  Sorry I'm turning into a whinge but at home I'm trying to keep the mask up and maintain an even keel. I know you guys don't recommend it but it helps me cope. I'm so thankful for an outlet here.

----------


## Jaquaia

Not a wuss at all. New medication can be scary.

----------

Strugglingmum (20-08-19)

----------


## Suzi

> Have had a poor day but I asked for help.


Sorry you've had a bad day, but I am so glad you asked for help! Who did you ask and did you get that help? 



> I also napped this afternoon.


I'm so glad you listened to your body and rested when you needed it. 



> Really struggling with my appetite at the moment.


As in too much or not enough? 



> I'm actually really scared to start new medication, I don't even know why.
>  I'm dreading bedtime and having to take a new medication.


I think that anyone who has ever taken a new medication can totally relate to this fear - almost feels worst at nighttime too.... But you have to stay 



> What is wrong with me... I feel like such a wuss at the moment.  Sorry I'm turning into a whinge but at home I'm trying to keep the mask up and maintain an even keel. I know you guys don't recommend it but it helps me cope. I'm so thankful for an outlet here.


There is nothing "wrong" with you - you are poorly. You aren't a wuss or a whinge at all. 

Have you spoken to A honestly about how you are feeling?

----------


## Strugglingmum

A knows. I got help at the day centre from one of the tutors. It just helped to settle my brain a bit and ease the thoughts. I also called in at our church prayer clinic and spoke to the team there. 
 I'm not eating well recently. I feel hungry but as soon as I start to eat I feel nauseated and full very quickly. Honestly finishing a small round of toast can be an achievement.
Of course that might all resolve with the Mirtazipine!!! 
I'm going to take an early night and take my meds and get it over with. I think its just not knowing how it will affect me. 
Quetiapine at bedtime is to slow my brain down to help with sleep. I'm worried the 2 together will be too much and I'll sleep in. Even though I haven't been sleeping well I now have a worry of oversleeping.  Honestly I know I sound mad as a box of frogs but my brain is in overdrive.

----------


## Paula

One step at a time. One night at a time. Even if you do sleep in tomorrow, that doesnt mean youre going to indefinitely - our bodies adjust to the meds. And everything will be ok even if you do have a later morning

----------

Strugglingmum (20-08-19)

----------


## Suzi

What's the worry about sleeping in? How did you get on? Did you sleep?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hi all. I've had a dopey couple of days. Big sleeps in the afternoons!!! 
I am sticking to the new meds. 
Today we got my daughter enrolled in the carpentry / joinery course she likes so that's her sorted out. Not much else for this zombie to report!

----------


## EJ

Don’t worry about the sleepiness it does get better xx

----------

Strugglingmum (22-08-19)

----------


## Suzi

Well done for sticking with them. 
Hooray for getting your daughter enroled! Carpentry is how my Dad started out- but he was 15 lol. My little brother is a carpenter too!  :):  

How's your mood doing?

----------


## Strugglingmum

My husband is a carpenter too. We have 2 boys but it's our daughter that has inherited his passion and I love it. The only girl on the course :(giggle): 
My mood is still very flat but sleepiness is the overwhelming thing at the moment. The Mirtazipine is definitely making me sleepy and the Sertraline is making me a bit nauseated after I take it but i know it did that the last time and it eased after a bit.

----------


## Suzi

You must be so proud of her! Going for what she wants to do, not what society thinks she should do!

It will ease I'm sure - if it doesn't in about 2 weeks then go back and tell them.... 
You know I'm really proud of you don't you?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> You must be so proud of her! Going for what she wants to do, not what society thinks she should do!
> 
> It will ease I'm sure - if it doesn't in about 2 weeks then go back and tell them.... 
> You know I'm really proud of you don't you?


You made me tear up. No-one ever tells me they are proud of me.  Xx

----------


## Suzi

But you're going through such a hard time, but you are still fighting - why would I be anything BUT really proud of you?

----------

Strugglingmum (23-08-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

You're doing brilliantly!

----------

Strugglingmum (23-08-19)

----------


## Paula

> But you're going through such a hard time, but you are still fighting - why would I be anything BUT really proud of you?


Exactly. Youre a fighter and keep pushing through

----------

Strugglingmum (23-08-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Sleeping but its a funny type of sleep, can't really describe the feeling. However, its got to be better than lying awake all night. Daughter has her CAMHS appointment today...... first in a couple of months. I'm thinking that they are going to be close to discharging her as she has been doing so well since she left school. I'm hoping they will keep her long enough to see her through the transfer to College. Other than that I'm going to try get some washing done. I'm struggling to be active at the moment as I feel a bit spacey and heavy but I know i need to move for my health too. Also need to wash my hair before I go out!

----------


## Paula

Can you strongly suggest she should stay with CAMHS until shes settled in college?

----------

Strugglingmum (23-08-19)

----------


## Suzi

I'm having similar issues with camhs here and H... She was given 8 sessions through a provider. They started 2 weeks before term ended, have been over the holidays (apart from last week and next week) and then she has 1 when she has gone back to school. She's said she doesn't feel that they have got anywhere and are pretty much useless. 
However the mentoring scheme she finds much more beneficial - but her mentor is currently on maternity leave, but she's meeting up with the head of the scheme next week to catch her up on everything.... That's what I'm hoping will continue..... 

You are doing great lovely.... step by step.

----------

Strugglingmum (23-08-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Camhs went ok. She is fairly well at present but they recognise that the change in circumstances may trigger things off again. She has an appointment after 1 month of college but she can phone anytime before that if she needs help. She is happy and I am content that the contact is still there if she needs it. 
I have 1 load of washing done, another in. It's sunny here so I am going to move my ass to the beach with the dog.

----------


## Suzi

That's great that there is a line there for her if she needs it. 
Hope you have a great time at the beach!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Had a lovely walk on the beach.
I don't know why nut over past hour I have got really angry for no reason. I'm snapping at people and I actually had the thought running through my head, .... I hate every single one of them, I don't care about any of them. 
I don't feel tired, it's not totm or anything but I am so mad at everyone. I know I'm being unreasonable and a monster but it feels like something has just taken over. It's quite scary. I don't normally feel so angry.

----------


## Suzi

With everything you are dealing with, I'm not surprised. Keep a note of it and show it to your Dr/CPN/Psych....

----------

Strugglingmum (23-08-19)

----------


## Paula

I have days like that, I think most of us do but dont like to admit it....

----------


## Jaquaia

Yep. Exactly the same here

----------

Strugglingmum (23-08-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thanks. It kind of scared me just how angry I got. It has eased but maybe that's because everyone is giving me a very wide berth!!!

----------


## Suzi

Hey it's OK, it's not a straight line... Just keep a note of it love...

----------

Strugglingmum (23-08-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I still have days where I can barely stand to talk to people and anything they say makes me snap and almost bite their head off. On those days I tend to stay out of the way and do something nice for me.

----------

Strugglingmum (23-08-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I've decided to keep a diary of how I'm feeling, any side effects, sleep etc from starting my new meds so that I can see how I'm progressing or how side effects etc are affecting me. I find each morning I'm really sluggish and headachey but at least I'm not lying awake each night for hours so I'm going to hold on to that. 
It will probably take me all day to come up with a format to record everything.  Anyone any suggestions? ..
Today I increase my Sertraline dose.

----------


## Suzi

Mood diaries are brilliant.. You can buy them all ready to go from Amazon/ebay etc or you can make your own... I've done a quick google image search to give you some ideas...  https://www.google.com/search?q=mood...w=1366&bih=609

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thank you so much Suzi. I have looked at a lot of them and am trying to come up with something that includes everything i need on it but still easy to read at a glance and not a chore to complete. wip

----------


## Suzi

Tomorrow I'll take pics of my journal I've created to focus on the things I want/need to focus on and you can see how I went about it, if you think it'll help?

----------

Strugglingmum (25-08-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Mirtazipine definitely seems to be helping with my sleep.  :(party): 
I'm not as dopey in the morning either although I do get tired during the day. 
I'm not very motivated at the moment and I've already put on 3lbs  in a week. I need to exercise more but I feel so heavy and tired a lot of the time. It also means when I'm hungry I'm not bothering to cook healthy, I'm grabbing junk food. 
So i need to try and get my act together!! Everything still feels like too much bothercand my mood hasn't lifted any but I do think the flashbacks are reducing again. 
My aims for today...... go for a walk, eat a proper lunch and tea.

----------


## Suzi

I'm so glad it's helping! Sorting out sleep is so important. 
Try meal planning, it helps me... and then snack on less junk - although I'm queen of doing that too!

----------

Strugglingmum (26-08-19)

----------


## OldMike

SMum it's so easy when you're struggling to miss meals or eat junk food I know I do. It sounds good your not as sleepy and flashbacks have reduced. You're managing to sleep okay at night which is good.

----------

Strugglingmum (26-08-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> SMum it's so easy when you're struggling to miss meals or eat junk food I know I do. It sounds good your not as sleepy and flashbacks have reduced. You're managing to sleep okay at night which is good.


Thanks Mike. So far I'm on track. 45mins walk on the beach with the dog and i have stuck to healthy salad for lunch. Not sure about dinner yet but I'm hungry yet I've been snacking on fruit etc. my appetit seems unsatiable. Definitely need to cook a proper meal or ill be hitting the junk food!!

----------


## Suzi

Just be kind to you too. Don't try to push yourself to do everything all at once...

----------


## Strugglingmum

Cooked a chicken dinner and all was on track until I ate 2 slices of the banana bread I baked this afternoon!!!...... I'm calling bit 1 of my 5 a day :(giggle): 

On another note have been really stressed about next month as my father turns 90. 
My sister contacted me over the weekend to say she is organising a family dinner for everyone. I actually felt ill with anxiety and fear. 
However I have been pro active and booked A and I into a hotel for the weekend. Sorry we can't make the dinner.... we are away! I'm trying not to feel bad. I've told the kids its happening and they can go if they want but we will be away.

----------


## Suzi

I'm so PROUD of you! Well done. I really, really, really couldn't be prouder of you for doing that!

----------

Strugglingmum (26-08-19)

----------


## magie06

That is such a brave and wonderful thing to do for yourself. Well done!

----------

Strugglingmum (26-08-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> I'm so PROUD of you! Well done. I really, really, really couldn't be prouder of you for doing that!


Thanks. I'm kinda proud of me too. Plus I have arranged to meet friends for Sunday dinner who live near where we are going (my bestie and her hubby who I haven't spent time with in ages). So i guess we can't rush home on the Sunday to celebrate either. 
I have so much hope that these new meds are going to help so I don't want anything to derail any progress. ...... and we know what happens when I have any contact.

----------


## Jaquaia

You are absolutely brilliant!

----------

Strugglingmum (27-08-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> You are absolutely brilliant!


Well thank you Jaq.  I wouldn't go that far but I am chuffed I came up with a plan so quickly.

----------


## Jaquaia

Well you are. Because in the past you would have gone, knowing it would have triggered you massively!

----------

Strugglingmum (27-08-19)

----------


## Allalone

Well done!
So proud of you for putting yourself first.

----------

Strugglingmum (27-08-19)

----------


## Suzi

You are brilliant! It's self care of the highest degree, in fact I award you a DWD Chufty Badge!

----------

Strugglingmum (27-08-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> You are brilliant! It's self care of the highest degree, in fact I award you a DWD Chufty Badge!


Honoured indeed. 
I will return when I can fit my head through the door :(rofl):

----------

OldMike (31-08-19)

----------


## Suzi

So you should be. I don't give these out lightly you know....  :O:

----------


## Flo

Hi SM....just saying hello! Oooh! Not a CHUFTY BADGE......that's almost like be awarded an Oscar!! :(clap): xx

----------

Strugglingmum (31-08-19)

----------


## Suzi

How are you lovely?

----------


## OldMike

A DWD Chufty badge is way better than any Oscar  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (31-08-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hey all. I've had a flat couple of days but feel things picking up a bit today..... I've managed to lift my crochet hook so that is a good sign. 
Sleep is still a lot better and I'm seeing glimmers of light in the darkness. 
Weather has been very mixed. 
So i have started to put weight on with an enormous insatiable appetite since starting Mirtazipine.  Since they are the first ADs that actually feel to be helping, in combination with the Sertraline, I am going to try and not let it put me off. I have been proactive and joined the leisure centre with Aqua membership, so I intend to swim a couple of times a week to try and combat the weight gain and get the feel good hormones going instead of wallowing in a pit of crisps and chocolate. Hopefully it will help. Also if I'm out of the house I'm less likely to snack so win win. Even if I can halt the weight gain I'll be happy, but if I manage to lose a few pounds even better.

----------


## Jaquaia

Sounds like a brilliant plan! Well done you!!!

----------

Strugglingmum (31-08-19)

----------


## Suzi

So proud! Well done lovely!

----------

Strugglingmum (31-08-19)

----------


## Nick310771

Hey - I got myself a Lumie - really helps me when weather changes...worth a go...bound to be loads on ebay ..probably next to the foot spas!!

----------


## EJ

Hi SM how are you ?

----------


## Suzi

Just so you don't worry EJ, SM sent me a message saying she was taking a little time out. I'll pass on your love, unless you wanted to do it by sending her a pm?

----------

Strugglingmum (11-09-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hey all. How I have missed you all. I've been trying to pull my head together a bit, but lets face it, I need you guys to help me do that. It's no fun on your own!!! 
I am still trialling my new meds. My sleep had been good when I first started them but whether my body got used to them or.... anyway I was having trouble sleeping again. I'm waiting for an appointment with my psychiatrist so my GP has given me some sleeping tablets until then. He says that because i am on more than 1 Antidepressant that he would not do anything with the doses. 
Other than that my form has been a bit up and down but I'm still here fighting it out. I had a bit of a  incident at the training centre when 1 of the other clients went completely berserk at me over nothing at all. It really shook me a bit (I hate conflict and avoid it at all costs) and sent my thoughts spiralling a bit to a bad place BUT I talked it out and have been able to not head to my default bad coping strategies  (or not coping strategies ).
I can't believe I missed Paula at the weekend...... that's what I get for playing hookey!!!! 
It will take me a couple of days to catch up and say Hi and see how we all are. 
I really missed you guys...... did I say that already???  :(giggle):

----------

Paula (21-09-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

We missed you too!!!

----------

Strugglingmum (12-09-19)

----------


## Suzi

Missed you so much!!! 
I'm so proud of you for talking to your GP and for pulling it back from the other day! Those are both so huge!!! Next time, don't run away! We miss you too much for that!

----------

Strugglingmum (12-09-19)

----------


## EJ

Dear SM I did not want you to feel that you had to ‘give’ all the time on here. I know how hard it is to start anti ds and find the correct combination. I know what it feels like that nothing works. You will find the combination that works for you. Welcome back.

----------

Paula (21-09-19),Strugglingmum (12-09-19)

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing lovely?

----------

Strugglingmum (12-09-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm tired today but that's ok, the beginning of the week is busy for me. I'm also getting used to getting my daughter out again every morning after the summer break.  My son who just finished his A levels has a job interview on Monday. Ultimately he is going for a higher level apprenticeship in finance but the earliest he can get one is Spring so he needs a job meantime. He has an interview for KFC in the local town. I'm hopeful he will get it as he has some experience as a kitchen porter working in a restaurant while at school. 
I need to get organised as hubby and i go away tomorrow for the weekend. It was our anniversary last week, 23 years, so lets celebrate. I have other reasons for wanting to be away but lets keep our eyes on the positive of celebration.
So i need to hit the ironing board and get some clothes organised. Actually I am feeling spoilt today. We ran out of heating oil months ago but hubby has managed some overtime so the oil lorry came this morning and pumped some lovely oil into our tank. We have heat!!!! And hot water!!!!!

----------


## Suzi

Happy anniversary! I hope you guys have the best time and focus on the positives!  Hooray for heat and hot water! 
Hope your son gets the job, the apprenticeship sounds awesome. My big sister is a tax associate/accountant and her business is thriving!

----------


## EJ

Dear SM Happy belated Anniversary. My son is in finance via college and AAT level 4 working for a major finance company. Unfortunately they are relocating to Scotland and he does not want to go. He will be looking for a job next February. It’s just a suggestion but you could take some clothes un ironed and ask the hotel to iron them for you or iron one or two pieces in your room ?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Dear SM Happy belated Anniversary. My son is in finance via college and AAT level 4 working for a major finance company. Unfortunately they are relocating to Scotland and he does not want to go. He will be looking for a job next February. It’s just a suggestion but you could take some clothes un ironed and ask the hotel to iron them for you or iron one or two pieces in your room ?


Sorry about your son. That sucks!!! 
Great idea about using the iron at the hotel...... I never thought of that.

----------


## Suzi

Great idea about the hotel... Sorry about your son EJ.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Home after an amazingly wonderful weekend with my hubby. We relaxed, connected, walked, laughed, ate lots but most of all...... we left the real world behind us for a weekend. I felt happy. So happy I now want to cry when I realise how long it is since I felt happy like that, when I last relaxed so much that I was able to feel inner peace and joy. It makes me believe that recovery is possible,  that some day I'll realise that choosing life isn't such a battle, that I'll realise that I'm naturally laughing without putting a mask on. 
This weekend has truly been a gift of therapy from my husband.... and he doesn't even realise it. X

----------

OldMike (21-09-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

That sounds brilliant and so positive

----------


## Suzi

Then tell him!!!

I'm so pleased for you!!!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Been a bit of a strange week. Been really tired and maybe a bit of a low coming back from our weekend away. I've had a nap every day and slept for a couple of hours... mad. 
Anyway tonight we went to a social night at church and i did my first beetle drive. 
It was good fun. I even made some traybakes to take. Of course that means there is plenty left at home...... I sense a bad week for weight gain. I will be swimming everyday next week to try and work it off!! 
Last weekend I bought myself a long long long longed for gift.
 I thought, sod it, I'm going to treat myself. I've wanted them for ages. 
I am now the proud owner of a pair of oxblood red Dr. Martin boots. I feel naughty and about 18 again every time I put them on my feet. They make me smile so well worth the fortune I paid for them. They are also good weapons if anyone annoys me :(giggle): . 1 tap from a DM on your shin and you'll know all about it.

----------


## magie06

Did you never here the expression - you are only as young as the man you feel!! Lol. 
I've longed for a real pair of doc Martin's for almost all my life. I love the colour of the red ones too. Enjoy them. 
P. S. I think you are awesome.

----------


## Suzi

I LOVE DM's!

How long have you been on your meds? When are you due a meds review? My old primary school used to do beetle drives! I haven't been to one for many, many years - but I have our own set which I play with my kids! I love them! So much fun!

----------

Strugglingmum (21-09-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Started my new meds over 4 weeks ago. Probably still settling a bit. Awaiting a psych appointment for review.

----------


## Suzi

Absolutely just getting into your system.... Hang on in there lovely. I think you're doing brilliantly!

----------

Strugglingmum (21-09-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I have a pair of purple DM's! Love them!

You're doing brilliantly

----------

Strugglingmum (21-09-19)

----------


## OldMike

A beetle drive it's a long long time since I heard that term, my gran was alive then and it was an era of whist drives and beetle drives.

SMum your weekend away sounded utterly marvelous  :(party):

----------

Strugglingmum (21-09-19)

----------


## Paula

DMs??? I hope theyve got sparkles  :O:

----------

Strugglingmum (23-09-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> DMs??? I hope they’ve got sparkles


I leave the world of sparkles entirely to you princess...... I'm not one of the world's sparklers...... I'm more a..... well I'm not entirely sure :(giggle):

----------


## Paula

:(giggle):

----------

Strugglingmum (23-09-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Really pleased for my son. Had an interview today and they offered him the job on the spot. What a boost to his confidence!! He has to go tomorrow,  sign his contract and get all paperwork done. 
Everyone else came out saying that the employer would be in touch.
 I'm really proud of him. It's for our local KFC and will be a great job while he goes through the selection processes and rounds for a higher level apprenticeship in finance. 
A good day for him. X

----------


## Jaquaia

That brilliant! Congrats to him!!!

----------

Strugglingmum (25-09-19)

----------


## Paula

Thats fantastic  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (25-09-19)

----------


## Flo

Ooh! you must be beaming with pride! Good for him! :(clap):

----------

Strugglingmum (25-09-19)

----------


## Suzi

Well done to him!!!

----------


## EJ

Well done

----------


## Strugglingmum

Today would have been mum's birthday and Monday will be anniversary of her death. I miss her every day but especially today.
A bit of a tough weekend.trying to keep busy with different things but hard to settle my mind to them.

----------


## Jaquaia

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni I'm so sorry  :(bear):  :(bear):  Keep talking love. It does help...

----------

Strugglingmum (29-09-19)

----------


## Paula

Huge hugs, lovely lady  :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (29-09-19)

----------


## Allalone

:(bear):  :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (29-09-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I got through mum's birthday and finished the day with a half glass of wine , stuffing myself with nibbles. (My eating has got out of control and i have a stone on since starting my new meds) 
Yesterday I took my daughter shoe shopping for her formal. Paula you would love them, they are pale pink (nude) and glitter/sparkles!! I have kept really busy all day yesterday and plan to do the same today yet I'm finding it a bit hard to be bothered with normal stuff like cooking dinner (yet I'd bake a cake??) Don't get it but anyway, they are all old enough to fend for themselves! The thought of tomorrow fills me with dread. It's 5 years since we lost mum yet today I feel like a frightened lost little girl again. I know that sounds stupid when i have an amazing husband and kids but remembering losing mum is breaking my heart all over again. I wish I could find my strength again to be the 'tackle anything' woman I was before her death and my health falling apart.  Sorry i know I'm whingeing and i don't mean to. I just feel a bit lost.

----------


## Jaquaia

We never really stop grieving for those we love, we just learn how to deal with it as well as we can. Take it minute by minute tomorrow if you need to and lean on A. He loves you and will want to support you.

Have you seen NCIS?

----------

Strugglingmum (29-09-19)

----------


## Suzi

You need to be kind to yourself. Each year when it's the anniversary of my Dad's passing I remember and it hurts. It was 11 years ago this year and as always I sent a whatsapp message to my siblings "Thinking of you guys today. I know it's hard." and called my Mum as always, and yet not one of them had remembered... But I did. I remembered. It does get easier, but for me it'll always be there...

----------

Strugglingmum (29-09-19)

----------


## Paula

Youre not whingeing, love, youre grieving.
Re the weight gain, is it worth getting low cal snacks in? If I d that helps keep the weight gain to a minimum, even if it doesnt keep it completely down. Your priority has to be your mental health, and taking the meds, but I know it doesnt help your mood when a few lbs go on.
Pink glitter? Beautiful!

----------

Strugglingmum (29-09-19)

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------

Strugglingmum (29-09-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thank you all. 
Oh yes Paula, I got the low cal snacks..... it's the amount of them I eat :(giggle): 
I also bake when I stress.... then I eat it. 
Anyway, put my shoulders back today and going to try have a healthy eating day. One day at a time. Each choice by choice.

----------

Paula (29-09-19),Suzi (29-09-19)

----------


## OldMike

I've lost both mum and dad and sufficient time has passed and I often smile at the antics they got up to when they were younger, I've recounted this many a time when mum and dad went out under the cover of darkness with a wheelbarrow to "borrow" some rocks from a small triangle of woodland near where we live, needless to say there are no rocks there anymore, I wonder why  :(giggle):

----------

Strugglingmum (02-10-19)

----------


## EJ

You are not whinging SM. I lost my Mum thirty one years ago and Dad in 2011. I can remember my Dad in the funny things he used to say. My Mum I remember through my music. It does take time and some things don’t heal although we do feel better about them eventually.
As you might know I am on mirtazapine and initially I put on weight. I have managed to lose it again. Try to eat healthily. I wouldn’t worry about the weight gain but if it is really bothering you see your GP.

----------


## Mira

Not once while reading your post it came across as whingy. The emotions and feelings you experience are real and this is something that most of us have or go through.

Thanks for sharing it with us and I hope you are ok  :Panda:

----------

Paula (01-10-19),Strugglingmum (02-10-19),Suzi (01-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing lovely?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hi all. Been a bit of a wobbly weekend etc but also busy, we were at a wedding yesterday so a long day and a busy day today. My own things plus delivering teenagers etc. Out again tonight but hoping for a less busy day tomorrow and a catch up. Anyway just wanted to let you know I'm still upright. Xx

----------


## Suzi

What happened at the weekend to make it a wobbly one? Are you safe lovely?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hi Suzi yes I'm ok. 
I think just mums anniversary got to me a bit and guilt over avoiding fathers birthday party etc. Got me a bit low. Monday and Tuesday are a blur they were so busy and a wedding flung in, yesterday had a list of things to do.  Today I got up, took my daughter to the bus, came home and went back to bed. I didn't go to my craft group as I am just plain knackered.  Also had to tidy round the house a bit....it is disgusting.  I can't Hoover because my son is sleeping (night shifts) but at least I can see a bit of the work benches and floor!! We are getting a vague bit of Lorenzo so very windy and stormy. 
It's my daughter's formal tomorrow so another busy day for hairdressers, make up, photo shoot....and that's all before 4pm.  she is wearing a sparkly sequin bodice and tulle skirt dress with killer sparkly heels.....she is going to freeze!!! 
I still have to cut her dress to length, get flowers and make a wrist corsage for her to give to her friend. But I can't do any of that til later. I am going to swim this afternoon and just chill for a while before I pick her up from college. 
Saw my CPN yesterday, she is not happy with how things are even with my new meds so is trying to get me a cancellation with my psychiatrist. He had said he would see me a few weeks into my new regime but its been 2 mths now and my appointment is the end of this month. Maybe get something soon. 
Hope everyone is well.

----------


## Suzi

Why is your CPN not happy with your meds?

----------


## Angie

Hope you get your appointment hunni x

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Why is your CPN not happy with your meds?


She knows my mood is not really lifting and my sleep is only good with a sleeping tablet. 
She knows that I build everything they tell me in to my day (exercise, hobbies,family time,relaxation,meditation etc etc etc)  but the fact that I seriously consider and battle su about 75% of my time is not healthy.  Yesterday she said she needed to talk both with my psychologist and my psychiatrist to see where we go from here.

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni, you haven't said that things are still that bad.... Why haven't you mentioned it?

----------


## Paula

Im glad shes going to speak to the psychologist and psychiatrist and am hoping they can come up with options

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Oh hunni, you haven't said that things are still that bad.... Why haven't you mentioned it?


I guess I forget that people don't know what's going on in my head. It is so much a part of my daily life now and such a repetative battle that I just don't talk about that its still going on. I'm tired and fed up of fighting it continually and i guess that's why she wants to try and see if there is something different.

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad she's working to try to find something that helps lovely...

----------


## Strugglingmum

One of those days you regret having made plans! You know you'll be fine once you get there but all the palava of getting ready and getting out the door and getting there is enough to make you hide in bed!! Wet and windy and a 2hr drive in front of me..... and I really would rather sleep lol. 
My daughter had her formal last night. She was even more beautiful than usual..... I'm knackered from it all but she was Gorgeous!! It was lovely to see.

----------


## Suzi

Aw did she have an amazing time? 
Hope your drive isn't too awful hunni...

----------


## Paula

Well done for pushing yourself to get there hunni, be safe
Did your daughter have fun?

----------


## Angie

Hope your daughter had an amazing time
Please rest when you can hunni x

----------


## Strugglingmum

Finally home after being at a conference since 2pm. Hate driving in the rain but did 4 hrs of it today. More than ready for bed. See you all on the other side.  X

----------


## Suzi

Hope the conference was interesting - I always hated a boring conference!

----------


## Paula

How are you feeling today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Slept well last night. Went to church this morning. Afternoon has been coffee, crochet and a sloppy movie on Sony.

----------


## Paula

Well done! That made me grin  :):

----------


## Suzi

And me! Well done you!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Took my daughter for her surgery today. All went well and i got her home again to recover. I'm glad its done and although she is sore, she is ok. 
I'm feeling a bit low however. I have a psychology appointment tomorrow. I guess I'll find out if my CPN has spoken to her.

----------


## Suzi

Is she OK? Hope it was nothing serious and you are resting - it's exhausting being with someone in hospital.

Hope the appointment is OK tomorrow lovely...

----------


## Jaquaia

:Panda:

----------


## Paula

Youve had a tough day, love. Rest as much as you can  :Panda:

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------


## Suzi

How are you today love? Am thinking of you for your psych appointment...

----------


## Paula

How are you both?

----------


## Suzi

How'd it go lovely?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hi. Been a day. My daughter woke up at 6am bleeding a bit. We were told to expecta bit but it still upset her a bit. All under control and she is ok. I was at the centre all day, then on to psych appoint did weekly shop before coming home. I unpacked shopping, made myself beans on toast and fell asleep. I feel shattered. My appointment went ok. I'm seeing her again next week. I'm just feeling very detached from it all but its maybe just tiredness. I'm hoping to sleep tonight as I'm so tired.

----------


## Suzi

Did you sleep? 
Is your daughter OK? 

I'm glad you're seeing your psych again next week.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Yes I slept. My daughter went to college today but not feeling well tonight so not going tomorrow.  Think she is coming down with a cold on top of everything.
I've had a bit of a low day but I fought through. I gave my stash to my tutor instead of giving in to what I wanted to do. I talked a lot through with him and I went for a swim too which helped clear my head a bit, enough to get me through til it was time to pick my kids up. 
My son had his first day at his new job today so he was glad to be out of the house and busy.

----------


## Paula

Im so proud of you both - they breed them tough in NI  :O:

----------


## Suzi

Your stash? 
How are you doing today love?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm up. Spoke to my GP this morning. I've been waiting an appointment with my psychiatrist. My CPN told me to ask my GP for more sleeping tablets to help me sleep until I see my psych. During conversation with my GP he said he had a letter saying I missed an appointment with my psychiatrist on 16th September. I never got a letter for the appointment and my GP was really understanding but at least now I know why I've been waiting so long!!  I know its silly but it upset me because I don't normally miss appointments.  I know nhs time is precious. 
Anyway, I'm going to my art/craft group this morning.we have an artist demonstrating splatter art.....or something!! What I really want to do is crawl back into bed and pull the duvet up but I'm dressed and have the bed made. 
Yes Suzi, I know, I had a stash, but at least I gave them up. Right?
Sorry, I know i keep failing at this so badly.

----------


## Jaquaia

You're not failing, you're coping as best as you can and it is huge that you gave up your stash rather than use it. I am so proud of you!

----------


## Angie

Definately not failing sweetie xx

----------


## Suzi

Hold on a minute..... Failing? At what? You are poorly. That has nothing to do with passing or failing or any other grading you many want to give it. You are doing the best you can. You are fighting every single day. That is NOT failing. That's fuc(ing awesome in my book. Having a stash is a c(ap idea, but you gave them up willingly. That is huge. Would you try and not have a stash again? Maybe get a lockable box, and only have out the meds for that one day and not buy more? 

Do you have a "keep safe for the next 24 hours plan?"

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm ok. I have no paracetamol and the best thing about living in the arsehole of nowhere is that there are no local shops.

----------


## Suzi

Hooray for the arsehole of nowhere!  :):   :(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl): 

Now.... Do you want to talk about what's in your head?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Tbh Suzi there is nothing new to say, that's why I dont. It's just the same thoughts and beliefs that circle over and over. I know I'm supposed to challenge the thoughts  but I believe them so deeply and can't seem to believe the opposite is true. I have nothing to fight them with as I agree with them. I don't even know if that makes any sense to anyone else but bit makes sense in my head.

----------


## Angie

Sweetie it makes perfect sense to me as it is something I do all the time and I think there are probably a few of us here that will understand x Right now I may not believe some of the things said to me but I accept that is how the people saying them see me. Does that make sense, I think you are amazing, you may not believe that but believe I think that of you xx

----------

Strugglingmum (10-10-19),Suzi (10-10-19)

----------


## Paula

It doesnt matter if you tell us the same thoughts and beliefs every single day. If thats what it takes to help you keep SUCCEEDING at your 100% record of getting through every day, then we are more than happy to talk those thoughts through with you every single day

----------

Angie (10-10-19),Strugglingmum (10-10-19),Suzi (10-10-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thank you both.
 I guess I believe that when people say anything positive its because they are just being nice and are very kind people or because its their job to ( psychologist etc) or because they don't really know me. If they knew the real me then they would not be so positive. Does that make sense?? I ts like when my husband says he loves me, in my head he loves me because he is a very kind man and he keeps his promises and he promised to love me no matter what not he loves me because there is something loveable about me. Likewise when someone tries to tell me something positive about me, I can't accept it or may be I can't believe that anything positive exists. 
My psychologist always says that I can be kind to everyone else except me. Everyone else deserves a break, except me.

----------


## Suzi

Lol, just putting this out there - and the others will back me up - I don't ever say things "just to be nice".... I say things as I see it. Always have and always will. 
Tell me about the real you... I'd love to know what is different to what we see here - I know that for me, the person I am here is much more of the person who I really am. I'm far more open and honest about the things that are really in my head. 

I don't care if you come here and say the same things every minute of every day if it helps. As far as I'm concerned you are very definitely a positive in my life. I love hearing your posts and what's going on in your life.

----------


## Jaquaia

Suzi isn't afraid to tell someone they're being a dick. Neither am I for that matter  :O: 

I'm similar to Suzi, the me on here is more the real me than others get to see. You come across as a lovely person and I don't think your mental state has been stable enough to allow you to fake that, you're bloody brilliant if you have! You don't need to believe it, but accept that we think that  :Panda:

----------

Suzi (11-10-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

All I see is someone who is selfish and unloving, takes people for granted, attention-seeking, unable to cope with life, willing to break my family's hearts and lives apart because I can't love them enough to want to stay with them. I resent the hold they have on my life and the fact they need me so much. There are people fighting in this world to beat any amount of conditions to stay alive and I want to throw it all away. I don't deserve to have people around me fighting for me when I just want to throw it back in their faces and give up. I am lazy and don't look after my family properly. I used to cook, bake clean and now it's all I can motivate myself to do to do the basics That's only scratching the surface. I can't see anything lovable in that.
And so today's battle has begun. I'm up, dressed, coffee and banana on board. 


Taking the dog to the beach for a trek and get the Sun on my face. 
Will go for a swim later as I need to go to town for some yarn. 
I have some cooking apples so plan is a crumble.... if I can get the motivation going to peel the apples.  hubby is playing golf today and my younger 2 are at home so getting out on my own will give me some space. 

Hope everyone is ok and looking after yourselves.

----------


## Jaquaia

Ok. Stop and breathe. If you had a friend going through even half of what you are, would you say any of that to them? Would you tell any of us here that we are lazy, selfish, attention seeking or any of what you've just said about yourself?

----------

Strugglingmum (11-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

Wow, you don't go easy on yourself do you? For the record I'm honest and open and I will say what I think... I don't recognise that person you've described at all. I don't see you as selfish - you post on other people's threads, you care about other people and you are working through things. You are far from lazy. You are constantly fighting with your own head - that's a 24/7 job. It's amazing that you get up everyday... Anything more than that is a bonus. You really are such a lovely and kind person. You are someone I am really glad I've had the chance to meet you and get to meet you...

----------

Strugglingmum (11-10-19)

----------


## Angie

Not repeating but agree with Suzi, I have been quiet for a while but read posts and see what Suzi sees sweetie xx

----------

Strugglingmum (11-10-19)

----------


## OldMike

I agree with Jaq and Suzi you're struggling to keep your head above water but you're battling and slowly getting there.

----------

Strugglingmum (11-10-19)

----------


## Paula

Hunni, you would never force yourself to take the dog to the beach if youd broken your leg - if you did you could prolong your recovery. The same is true with depression. You are ill and that means there are things you cant do. If you did them, you could also prolong your recovery. You need to do whatever you need to do to get well, and that might mean just doing the basics (which is much more than I manage a lot of the time), especially as youve got family around you who can pick up the things youre not able to do right now. Youll get back to baking when youre better....

----------

Strugglingmum (11-10-19),Suzi (11-10-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

The weather here has been gorgeous today. Sunny, bit nippy and just enough breeze to dry the washing. I've had the machine going most if the day (a lot to catch up on) . 
Walking along the shore with the dog this morning was perfect, we met no one and Katie was able to run and run. I went to town for a swim to clear my head a bit and bought new yarn (always a pleasant job). We have builders coming tomorrow to build a retaining wall for our patio. If its nice I think I'll take the dog to the mountains to take us both out of their way.
I resisted the urge to restock my stash. 
You have all said lovely things. I'm sorry I just cant see it and agree but thank you all anyway. It's almost 4pm and I'm making it through another day.

----------


## Paula

Youre not just making it through another day, youre appreciating the weather, doing some exercise, did something you enjoy (yarn) _and_ didnt restock your stash. Thats a lot!

----------

Angie (11-10-19),Strugglingmum (11-10-19),Suzi (11-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

Completely agree with Paula - you have done much more than "just" make it through. You've done so much. You've done more than me! You may not see what we see in you, but I'm glad you can appreciate that we might feel those about you. 

Not restocking is f*cking awesome! I'm so, so, so proud of you!

----------

Angie (11-10-19),Strugglingmum (11-10-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Slept well last night with some assistance. Didn't awaken til 9:30am.  I have a load in the machine but no real motivation to do much else. The builders are outside so the dog is stuck in the house, I should really take her to the shore but tbh I'm not that motivated. I do feel guilty looking at her wee face though. A is at this moment making fried egg sardines for the builders.  I know I need to move to feel better but not managing it so far.

----------


## Jaquaia

Sorry but fried egg sardines has made me giggle  :(giggle): 

You obviously needed the sleep lovely

----------


## Paula

Glad you slept, hunni

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Sorry but fried egg sardines has made me giggle 
> 
> You obviously needed the sleep lovely


Good old auto correct!!! Of course it was sarnies! !  :(giggle):

----------


## Angie

:(giggle):

----------


## Jaquaia

I laugh far more than I should at autocorrect fails!

----------


## Suzi

Egg sardines is epic! 

Sweetheart, can anyone else take her out for a run now and maybe you could do one later as it might help?

----------


## OldMike

Egg and sardine sarnies are epic that is boiled egg not fried egg  :(giggle):  speaking of sarnies bacon sarnies are my current fav with a dollop of ketchup, 'tis okay I don't have auto correct sometimes I wish i did though  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

I was once having a wobble and J told me "we will cross that fridge when we get to it"  :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

I constantly lose words... And my autocorrects are hilarious. I type better than I can text so I have a thing on my laptop I can do texts with and it's much more successful!  :):

----------


## Strugglingmum

So i haven't made it out today. I'm dressed, have done 2 loads washing and put it on the line. Made banana bread and an Apple crumble all gluten free so my daughter can enjoy. I'm afraid its my good old crochet hook and movie kind of day. I always feel guilty when the Sun is shining and I'm indoors. 
Suzi my son took Katie out a walk so she is ok. The builders have left for the day so she has the run of the garden again. i dont know how i can be tired....but I am.

----------


## Jaquaia

Because you are ill and battling? Just a guess  :O: 

That sounds like a really productive day!

----------


## Angie

Agree with Jaq hunni, you have done quite a bit already sweetie xx

----------


## Paula

> So i haven't made it out today. I'm dressed, have done 2 loads washing and put it on the line. Made banana bread and an Apple crumble all gluten free so my daughter can enjoy. I'm afraid its my good old crochet hook and movie kind of day. I always feel guilty when the Sun is shining and I'm indoors. 
> Suzi my son took Katie out a walk so she is ok. The builders have left for the day so she has the run of the garden again. i dont know how i can be tired....but I am.


Erm, remember my comment yesterday on just getting through? Youve done far more than me today ....

----------


## Suzi

You've done loads more than me too! 

Maybe you need to stop being so hard on yourself?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I know but you guys battle against physical illnesses too. My body is fit and healthy and there is nothing to stop it doing stuff only me. Anyway I crochet a couple of baby  elf hats for my page and have an order already so that will keep me occupied. Have retired to bed early as need to be up for church in the morning. It's our turn to lead the youth programme in the morning. I'm reading over my notes to teach but I'm not retaining. I hate teaching from notes I much prefer to have it all in my head but tomorrow is definitely going to be a notes day.  :(think):

----------


## Jaquaia

Mental illness has physical symptoms too, fatigue being one pf them!

----------


## Paula

There was a time when I didnt battle physical illness and I absolutely battled physical symptoms from my mental illness. Actually, a lot of the time, those symptoms were more debilitating than my psychological symptoms.

Edit: this is the NHS list of symptoms https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/clinic...sion/symptoms/

----------


## Suzi

> I know but you guys battle against physical illnesses too. My body is fit and healthy and there is nothing to stop it doing stuff only me.


Marc says this to me all the time. As I tell him, and as already been said - depression does have physical issues! 




> Anyway I crochet a couple of baby  elf hats for my page and have an order already so that will keep me occupied.


Hooray for the orders! That's brilliant!  




> Have retired to bed early as need to be up for church in the morning. It's our turn to lead the youth programme in the morning. I'm reading over my notes to teach but I'm not retaining. I hate teaching from notes I much prefer to have it all in my head but tomorrow is definitely going to be a notes day.


Hope the teaching goes well...

----------


## Strugglingmum

I can't believe how much I missed in 2 days...... sorry I'm not going to be able to catch up on it all, just scrolling has sent me square eyed!! 
Yesterday and today just flew by. I had a psychology appt today. 
I really need to try and get my head together. and be more positive. I need to stop moping around. Paula can you send me a drip drop of your determination and motivation please.

----------


## Jaquaia

You're not expected to catch up lovely! You will get there  :Panda:

----------


## Paula

What happened at the appointment?

I wish everyone with chronic illness had access to the type of kick up the arse treatment Ive had.......

----------


## Suzi

Definitely OK to just focus on you right now. I was wondering what happened in your appointments too!

----------


## Strugglingmum

> What happened at the appointment?
> 
> I wish everyone with chronic illness had access to the type of kick up the arse treatment Ive had.......


That's just it Paula.... the appointment was just the usual of me rambling about the same old crap. I feel completely stuck and not able to move forward. I don't know what its going to take to actually see the future. But I'm trying to take it on trust that there is one and that it will be better. But I also know that it will only be better if I make it better and I'm not quite sure how to do that. Can I make the future better while all my energy seems to be focussed on dealing with the past?? Im not sure. I'm probably supposed to be working on both but I'm not succeeding at that so what do I focus on? Past?. Future.? Present? It's very overwhelming to me.

----------


## Suzi

Are you having regular counselling/cbt/psychotherapy?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm not sure what it is we do. But I go at least fortnightly if not weekly. 
She specializes in trauma work so we do a lot of visualization and rescripting endings, finding techniques to r.ecognise and interrupt flasbacks using the adult me to parent the child me etc. She also listens to my crap and makes me think about it logically and rationally and challenge what im thinking as to whether it has a factual basis or is it me assuming that it is so. I don't think I realised how stuck I was feeling until I wrote it on here. I need to talk to her about that next week.

----------


## Angie

It takes time to work through things sweetie xx

----------


## Suzi

Sometimes it really helps to get things out of your head so you can actually work out how you feel....

----------


## Paula

> What happened at the appointment?
> 
> I wish everyone with chronic illness had access to the type of kick up the arse treatment Ive had.......


I reread this and Im so sorry - that phrase kick up the arse was wrong, didnt reflect the programme or what I believe about chronic illness. What I meant to say was that Bath gave me tools to manage my health better and I wish all of us were able to access that sort of treatment.

----------

Angie (15-10-19),OldMike (15-10-19),Strugglingmum (15-10-19),Suzi (15-10-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I've been thinking and trying to work stuff out in my head.....dangerous i know :(giggle): 

Anyway, I'm going round and round in circles but I feel like I need to find some acceptance again. Like I need to settle my mind to accept me. I think its like I'm rejecting myself and that's why I keep in this circle of self loathing and SU desires and attempts to end me. Does that make any sense?

----------


## Jaquaia

It makes a lot of sense

----------


## Suzi

Makes loads of sense to me... 
Have you tried finding 3 positives about you and adding to them each day? It sounds simple, but it's really difficult but really effective...

----------


## Paula

That seems like a pretty big realisation to me

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Makes loads of sense to me... 
> Have you tried finding 3 positives about you and adding to them each day? It sounds simple, but it's really difficult but really effective...


Well as we know, those positives are not very easily found here!! 
I have started writing when my thoughts are racing. Because im trying to write them and keep up with my brain its helping slow my brain down a bit. It will also help when I see my psychologist to be able to say.... these are my thoughts, this is what is going round in my head as quite often when put on the spot can't remember the exact thoughts... just the general idea.  My next task is it should be easier to challenge them if they are in black and white without my brain performing cartwheels. Anyway ... we will see.
I went to my floristry course today and the challenge was an arrangement in a book. 
(Jaq close your eyes and ears) 
Basically you cut a section out of the inside of the book and the arrangement spills out of it whilst supporting the front cover on top of the arrangement.  I was pretty pleased with it. It was how I imagined it.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm appalled!!!! Appalled and shocked!!!!!!! *swoons*

Have you seen those paper flowers?! I want my wedding bouquet to be paper flowers. And one I've seen will make some out of your favourite books or sheet music too! So I want some made from Pride and Prejudice then I can keep them forever!  :(inlove):  have a look at Angel Paper Flower Creations on fb!

Sounds like you've had a good day!

----------


## Suzi

Pictures????

----------


## Paula

SM - sounds gorgeous!

Jaq - wedding *squeals*

----------


## Jaquaia

Not yet! He's not proposed but frequently tells me he can't wait to marry me so definitely on the cards! I'll let you know when you need a hat for  :O:

----------


## Paula

:(party):

----------

Jaquaia (16-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

Ooo I love a good wedding me!  :):

----------

Jaquaia (16-10-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Pictures????


With my track record with posting pictures????  :(rofl):

----------


## Angie

send the pictures to one of us sweetie and we can put it in here for you if you want x

----------


## Suzi

> With my track record with posting pictures????


Yup!  :):

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hey all. Had a lovely lunch date with my younger 2 before a swim this afternoon.  Have spent some time with my daughter today between lunch date and just chilling. She was in poor form and sounding off about a lot of stuff going on in her life. I'm so glad she confided in me. Some of you will know what a change it is for her to come to me instead of being mad at me. Things are definitely improving in our relationship little by little and its overwhelming to dream that she could be ready to let me close again.

----------


## Jaquaia

Awww that's brilliant!!!

----------


## Angie

Aww am so pleased for you x

----------


## Paula

That made me grin - so wonderful  :):

----------


## Allalone

That’s great to hear.xx

----------


## Suzi

Aww that's amazing! I feel really emotional about that post! (Blame Paula, her wussiness is obviously catching)

----------


## Jaquaia

:(rofl):

----------


## Paula

Wuss???

----------


## Angie

:(rofl):

----------


## Strugglingmum

It's ok Paula...... we all know Suzi is a big softie at heart, she just likes to make out you're the soft one....... wuss indeed!..... you're an unstoppable force of nature since Bath!. 

I don't want to get too overly excited about it (after all.... she's a teenager!) but I definitely don't think she hates me anymore... well I think she doesn't..... well she didn't for a while today!! ..... or maybe she just hated me less than everyone else in her life who's annoying her.

----------


## Suzi

I have teenage girls, the fact she's talking to you is amazing, awesome and should be totally celebrated at every opportunity!  :):

----------


## Paula

^^^wss absolutely!

----------


## Suzi

Morning love, how's you?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I saw a fab think on Facebook this morning. It was on the Depression Project page. 
So I already said I have problems challenging negative thoughts with a positive mostly because I don't believe the positives and feel I'm telling myself a lie.
This diagram suggested that if you had the same problem to challenge a negative thought with a 'less negative' thought to be able to work towards a positive.  It's not rocket science I know and you probably all know this but it helped me this morning.
I went back to bed for a while and slept a bit more. I'm up, have sorted some washing, had breakfast and am heading for a swim shortly. 
I have found swimming very soothing. Having the water swooshing in my ears drowns out the crap in my head. Also need the exercise with all the weight I've piled on with the Mirtazipine.  At least I seem to have slowed the gaining but it's not shifting at all. Hope everyone is ok.

----------

Jaquaia (18-10-19),Suzi (18-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

That makes perfect sense to me! 
The swimming makes sense too. 

I'm so proud of you!

----------

Strugglingmum (18-10-19)

----------


## Paula

That post was awesome!  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (18-10-19),Suzi (18-10-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Having a not so great day. 
This morning I have really struggled with my thoughts and desire to od.  Trying to keep busy and distract but feeling really low.

----------


## Jaquaia

Well done for telling us lovely and well done for fighting those thoughts  :Panda:

----------


## Paula

One step at a time, lovely  :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (19-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

> Having a not so great day. 
> This morning I have really struggled with my thoughts and desire to od.  Trying to keep busy and distract but feeling really low.


Just some basic housekeeping - have you got meds to take? If so, can you give them to your lovely husband? 
Do you have emergency crisis support numbers to hand? If you can't call you can text/email Samaritans or Shout (85258 free text line where you will be put through to a crisis volunteer who has training to help)

You can get through this, it's a blip... I believe in you.

----------

Strugglingmum (19-10-19)

----------


## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (19-10-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I do have some but I will try and talk to someone before I hit that point

----------


## Paula

Could you please give them to your husband, gorgeous?

----------


## Angie

:(bear):  Not going to repeat whats been said sweetie but do agree with the others xx

----------


## Suzi

Hey love, how're you doing? Can you let us know that you are safe? *I'm going to send you a pm and I need you to reply to that or/and this thread please*

----------


## Suzi

I have spoken to SM. She's still fighting!

----------

Angie (19-10-19),Paula (19-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Good

You're doing so well lovely  :Panda:

----------


## Mira

You wrote on my thread that I am an inspiration. I think you are just as much an inspiration. I have you in my thoughts.

----------


## Paula

Thats coz she is a fighter. Love you, SM

----------

Strugglingmum (20-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

She is amazing. We love you hunni...

----------

Strugglingmum (20-10-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Heading to bed. Going to take a sleeping tablet.

----------


## Paula

Night, hunni

----------

Strugglingmum (20-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Hope tomorrow is a better day  :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (20-10-19)

----------


## Angie

Night sweetie sleep well xx

----------

Strugglingmum (20-10-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Another day almost ticked off. Have to pick my son up from work at midnight in the next town but then we are in to tomorrow.

----------


## Paula

Youre doing brilliantly, lovely

----------


## Allalone

Well done. One day at a time hun.  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

How you doin' (Said like Joey from friends)?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Psychology appointment today.  Went ok.

----------


## Paula

Ok?...

----------


## Strugglingmum

Sorry yeah. I didn't know what else to say earlier. 
We talked about where I'm at. She feels we need to tackle some more trauma work to get unstuck again. Iforced myself to go for a swim after. I only did a few lengths but I i guess its a few more than I would have done if I hadn't gone. floristry in the morning. This week's challenge is a funeral arrangement.  I have some lilies so just need to decide what to go with them and what sort of display. I don't like wreaths.... not even at Christmas so I'm thinking a spray maybe. I'll see tomorrow

----------



----------


## Suzi

I think a spray is nice. 

How do you feel about starting the trauma work again?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> I think a spray is nice. 
> 
> How do you feel about starting the trauma work again?


I'm not sure. I understand why and maybe it will help. It actually couldn't make things any worse at the moment so it's worth a shot.

----------


## Suzi

Can I just check in with you - do you still have a stash of meds? Is there any chance of you giving them to someone else to keep you safe and then you not buying any more?

----------


## Paula

Morning, lovely, how are you?

----------


## EJ

:(bear): Hi SM just popping in to say hello

----------


## Suzi

Boo! I thought I'd join everyone else  :O:

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hi. Floristry class went as I expected. I did a sheaf style so it worked out the way I had planned. Came home after as just wanted a bit of peace. I have the house to myself which is lovely and unusual. I'm going to make a coffee and indulge in a lump of chocolate and find something to crochet. yup the house is stinking but I can't even be bothered right now. I've thrown bleach down the loos and round the kitchen sink. Cleaning over for today.  :(giggle):

----------


## Paula

Theres another way to clean?? Im so glad youre taking time just for you

----------

Strugglingmum (23-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

What are you crocheting? I've started the Rosetta Swirl CAL and I have to confess, it's making me fall in love with crochet again after spending months on a waffle blanket for B!

----------

Strugglingmum (23-10-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

The crochet didn't happen. I had the coffee, had the chocolate and fell asleep. No dinner made and no idea what to make. I had an awful dream while I slept and had to fight to get myself awake out of it.

----------


## Angie

Awww its not nice when you have horrible dreams sweetie,  :(bear):

----------

Strugglingmum (23-10-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thanks Angie. It's one of the symptoms I find most distressing.  It's like I knew it was a dream and that if I woke up I'd be ok but I couldn't get myself to wake up and that frightened me as much as anything else. 
Anyway, I dismantled my floristry project and put the flowers in a vase to enjoy them the rest of the week. Xx

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing now lovely?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Is today nearly over??
I'm ok thanks Suzi. I'm ready for bed and a new day. X

----------


## Allalone

Hope you have a good sleep hun.x

----------


## Angie

Hope you sleep well tonight sweetie xx

----------


## Strugglingmum

Awaiting my brain to agree with my body that it's time to switch off.

----------


## Allalone

Same here. Hope you manage some sleep tonight.

----------


## Suzi

Hope you slept well love...

----------


## Strugglingmum

Defrosting the freezer this morning! Emptied it, switched it off, left the door open with towels all under and around it and went on out to my craft group. How's that for multi-tasking!! Also had a GP appointment which went well. He feels a lot of my recent physical problems are side effects from the dreaded Mirtazipine.  I told him I see my psychiatrist on Monday and I'm hoping that it will be stopped as I don't feel it has done anything but make me gain weight plus all the other things that my GP feels its responsible for. Anyway, more unfortunately, he also saw it flagged up i was overdue my smear so it was booked before i left too. Chilli in the slow cooker for tea. Hoping to lift the crochet hook later and do something fun

----------


## Suzi

Well done love! 
I'm really glad you've booked your smear. It really could save your life, so very, very important. Hope you get some hooking time, I'm desperately hoping to too!

----------

Strugglingmum (24-10-19)

----------


## Paula

well done booking it, hunni

----------

Strugglingmum (24-10-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> well done booking it, hunni


I confess I really didn't have a choice :(giggle): 
Suzi's comment of, it could save your life made me smile........ are we all missing the point here?.......

----------


## Suzi

Sorry.....

----------

Strugglingmum (24-10-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

:(giggle):  but I am sorry honestly. 
I have the worse sense of humour.
I have a shirt that says on it

What doesn't kill me 
Gives me a lot of unhealthy
coping mechanisms
And a really dark sense of humour. 

Fairly accurate.  

Sorry Suzi, due to my recent feelings it seems ironic and insane to book for a test that is to screen for life limiting illnesses.

But yes ladies..... get your smear done! Don't put it off. Do as I say, not as I do.  :(giggle):

----------

Suzi (24-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Had mind just over a year ago so I'm safe! Or was it 2 years ago? Still... got a year off!

----------


## Suzi

I like to remind women to get their smears done - my friend had cancer caught early enough that they could treat her... 

I like dark senses of humour.... they match mine...

----------


## Strugglingmum

I got up, got my daughter up and took her for her bus. I got home and felt quite washed out. I was back in bed before 8:30am.  I slept until 12:25. !!!!!!!!
I can't believe I slept so soundly again. So shocked when I woke up and looked at the clock. 
Part of me is so mad at feeling like I've wasted the morning, but the rational part is saying that I can still fit everything in and just take it step by step. For once the rational side is winning....... she must be well rested :(giggle):

----------

OldMike (25-10-19)

----------


## Angie

You must of needed the sleep sweetie, as you say step by step, do one thing at a time x

----------

Strugglingmum (25-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

You absolutely must have needed it lovely... Be kind to yourself love x

----------

Strugglingmum (25-10-19)

----------


## OldMike

You must've needed the sleep, I'm glad the logical side is winning.

----------

Strugglingmum (25-10-19)

----------


## Paula

Sometimes, its the best thing you can do. Well done for listening to your body

----------

Strugglingmum (25-10-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Had a lovely swim this afternoon. Managed to fit everything in even with sleeping in this morning. Back to the crochet this evening. Son is working to midnight so a late night for me to pick him up but at least I'm not tired :(giggle):

----------


## Angie

Sounds like its been a good day sweetie xx

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you've had a good day love. Well done for doing the things you needed to and for putting what you need as important.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Had an appointment with my psychiatrist today. To be honest I feel all over the place following it. In fact I disgraced myself by breaking down sobbing in the consulting room. 
Anyway long story short,  I am to start on new meds. Just need to wait on prescription from my GP. I'll get it tomorrow and start them on Wednesday. It's going to take me a while to process today. I feel quite devastated but I know I need to think things through a bit. I have an appointment with my psychologist either tomorrow or Wednesday (i need to check) so I'll get a chance to talk it through. 
Anyway hope you are all doing ok.

----------


## Paula

You have so not disgraced yourself! I dont think I ever had even one psych appt when I didnt cry. Crying is just normal in those circumstances and is often helpful

What are the new meds?

----------

Strugglingmum (28-10-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

Definitely not disgraced yourself. In fact, the only reason I got tye help I needed was because I broke down and snotty cried in the assessment with the CPN

----------

Strugglingmum (28-10-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

It's a newish AD I think. Vortioxetine. It's not used as a first off, its for people not responding to others. They changed my diagnosis today , or added to it, I don't know. I'm a bit distraught about it and not loving what I read on Google.

----------


## Jaquaia

That's what I'm on. It's only been licensed about 4 years. I had some nausea and dizziness when I first started it and with each dosage change but it wore off after about a week. It's similar to an SSRI but works slightly differently on the neurotransmitters in the brain. It's not perfect but it's given me my life back.

----------

Strugglingmum (28-10-19)

----------


## Angie

:(bear):  I agree sweetie you have not disgraced yourself what so ever xx

----------

Strugglingmum (28-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni, crying is not disgracing yourself at all - I vividly remember when Marc was really ill at home, Fern was 8 weeks old, Hazel was 15 months older and Ben was at nursery and I'd gone to my GP for our 8 week check and I'd timed it within feed and nursery.. I sat outside my GP, I watched patient after patient go through and I wasn't called. It wasn't until the receptionist came through with his cup of tea and said that she'd forgotten to check me in and then to make it worse I wouldn't be able to see him at all! I followed her back to the reception area and just collapsed with snot, tears, rocking on the floor the whole shebang! Hunni, I promise you that your consultant will not have thought anything bad about you at all! 

Sweetheart hopefully this will help. I'm so proud that you were able to talk honestly about how you are feeling. You should be rewarding yourself massively!

----------

Strugglingmum (28-10-19)

----------


## Paula

What did they change of your diagnosis? Sweetie, you know googling things is never helpful .....

----------

Strugglingmum (28-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

Oh I didn't see that they had changed it - what did they add? Know that it won't change anything about how much we care about you...

----------

Strugglingmum (29-10-19)

----------


## OldMike

> Had an appointment with my psychiatrist today. To be honest I feel all over the place following it. In fact I disgraced myself by breaking down sobbing in the consulting room. 
> Anyway long story short,  I am to start on new meds. Just need to wait on prescription from my GP. I'll get it tomorrow and start them on Wednesday. It's going to take me a while to process today. I feel quite devastated but I know I need to think things through a bit. I have an appointment with my psychologist either tomorrow or Wednesday (i need to check) so I'll get a chance to talk it through. 
> Anyway hope you are all doing ok.


You certainly didn't disgrace yourself you're going through a rough time. As far as your new diagnosis goes it is best not to Google, there is a lot of good info out there also a lot of misinformation.

----------

Paula (29-10-19),Strugglingmum (29-10-19),Suzi (29-10-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

So I needed a pick me up today but also a focus and a need to plan something for the future. 
Hubby turns 50 next year so I only went and booked us a break to Portugal for his birthday. I've been thinking it for a long time so it's not impulsive but I thought it was time to turn thinking into doing. It's in Albufeira near the beach so plenty for me to do while hubby gets to play a few rounds of golf. It's a surprise for him but I'm going to give it to him at Christmas so he has time to plan leave from work and ask his friends which courses are best to play. Also thought it would be good for him to know there is something nice for the future.
I've been a bit tearful today but have kept busy and built in a swim to help clear my head a bit.
Picked up my new prescription so start new med regime tomorrow.

----------



----------


## Paula

Wow! Well done you  :): . I love the Algarve, absolutely my favourite place on this earth

----------

Strugglingmum (29-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

OO that's so exciting! Marc's parents used to love Albufeira! I'm glad you are planning for the future... 
How are you feeling about changing meds? Are you adding this in or swapping something out?

----------

Strugglingmum (29-10-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm coming off the Sertraline (weaning down first for a week) and stopping the Mirtazipine immediately. Commencing the vortioxetine.  I've also reduced my daytime doses of quetiapine to just once a day but keeping my night time dose as is. 
I'm relieved to be off the Mirtazipine due to all the side effects I had and it wasn't helping me any. 
The Sertraline also wasn't doing a lot either.

 This new drug is supposed to be helpful for people who haven't responded to other ADs so hopefully it will help. The quetiapine helps slow my brain down enough so it doesn't race all night. I also used to use it a lot during the day but I've reduced over past month or 2 and tried to physically manage my agitation with exercise. I'm willing to give anything a go if it helps. A big part of my treatment is psychology so I'll be continuing with that. They want to have a slightly different therapy once I've finished with the trauma work. I'm hoping my psychologist that I'm  used to will be able to offer this treatment but will ask tomorrow when I see her.

----------


## Jaquaia

Vortioxetine has really helped me, I'm not sure I'd still be here without it. I hadn't responded to 8 other ADs so my options were this, an older AD but those came with potentially nasty side effects, or quetiapine. I hope it works as well for you

----------

Strugglingmum (29-10-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thank you Jaq. I hope so too. 
Paula and Suzi, I have never been to Portugal but hubby's friends have all been regularly to play golf and he has always said he would like to go. My SIL loves Albufeira and said I would love the old town, apparently it's my kind of place. I've splashed on a slightly better hotel than we would normally stay in (as its his birthday) but only went B&B as I like to go out for dinner. I hope he likes the surprise and I haven't messed up by booking without asking him.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm sure he'll love it!

----------

Strugglingmum (29-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

I'm sure he'll love it and you'll both have a great time!

----------

Strugglingmum (29-10-19)

----------


## Paula

Of course hell love it!

----------

Strugglingmum (29-10-19)

----------


## EJ

I’ve never been to Portugal but it sounds great to me x

----------

Strugglingmum (30-10-19)

----------


## Paula

How are you, lovely?

----------

Strugglingmum (30-10-19)

----------


## Angie

I think that is an amazing present for your other half sweetie x

----------

Strugglingmum (30-10-19)

----------


## Suzi

How you doing gorgeous? Have you been able to speak to hubby at all?

----------

Strugglingmum (30-10-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> How you doing gorgeous? Have you been able to speak to hubby at all?


I've been to psychology today and talked through a lot of stuff. It was good to help me gather my thoughts. Suzi I haven't had a chance and tbh after talking to my psychologist I've decided I need time to get my own head around things first before dealing with anyone else's response. I feel a bit better about things after talking to her and she feels that at the moment the EUPD diagnosis may fit but that does not mean it will always fit. She feels that as I deal with my trauma, the traits may fade, especially as they were not apparent before but even if they don't it is definitely something that I will deal with better as my trauma is treated.

----------


## Paula

Is it possible hubby will help you process it all?

Well done for talking it through, Im glad youre feeling a bit better about it all

----------


## Suzi

I can understand what you are saying, but surely even just saying to Hubby that you are trying to process what has been said might help - I know for me it was always the not knowing with Marc that made things really hard. My head went to so many different ideas as to what was wrong.... It was so much easier when I knew what it was that he was dealing with and so we could at least work through it together...

----------


## Strugglingmum

I totally get that. Hubby isn't even aware that there is anything different. He has totally forgotten I was at the hospital so it's not like I'm blanking him. He doesn't cope well with hearing upsetting stuff so I need to process it first to help him get there. However today's session was really helpful in lots of ways and I'm more settled in my head about a lot of things. I feel in a much better place tonight.

----------


## Suzi

I'm really glad that you are in a better place lovely...

----------

Strugglingmum (30-10-19)

----------


## Paula

Does he ever go to, or want to go to, your medical appointments?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Does he ever go to, or want to go to, your medical appointments?


No but he would probably go with a bit of puffing if I asked him to but I guess I'm kind of used to looking after myself.

----------


## Suzi

Have you always kept your health away from him?  I went to nearly every appointment with Marc right up to his last therapist who specifically asked me to leave him to get himself there and do the appointment on his own....

----------


## Strugglingmum

Until I took ill with my mental health i never had any health appointments for him to go to with me. Even when I was pregnant I did the antenatal mostly alone, he came to the big scan but that was it..... in fact he missed my daughters.  I have always been very self sufficient but I understand now that that is because I have major trust issues with everyone. He doesn't expect me to need him and doesn't cope very well if I do. I guess we have different roles in the family.
He doesn't like to be nagged so I express something once, if its not acted on I just drop it and sort myself out. 
I invite myself to any of his appointments I can possibly manage, maybe I should ask first :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Have you ever asked him to come with you? Maybe he thinks you don't want him to come or that you are so strong you don't need him... I hate going to appointments on my own!

----------


## Strugglingmum

I honestly don't mind being on my own. Sometimes it's just easier. He hates waiting rooms, hospitals etc . One time I had to go to a different hospital in a different town for a scan of my kidneys. He drove me there and waited in the car. I guess I've learnt over the years that I am the only person I can trust with me...... and even that's not great at times. Maybe that's why I struggle to ask for help at times.

----------


## Paula

Ive found, over the years, that Si would be able to offer a different perspective for the doctors to consider. Just a thought

----------


## Suzi

Oh hunni, that sounds so sad...

----------


## Strugglingmum

Suzi..... be ready to award a chufty badge...drumroll...... I went for my smear today... all up to date!! 3 years til the next one. 

I can't believe it but my 17yr old daughter has just allowed me to do her formal make-up. She has never asked before and its such a silly thing but it made me feel like she is learning to accept me again. It made me smile and feel at peace with where we are together. Right this moment I feel bonded to her and that is so special. .. it's been so long.

----------


## Paula

Thats a massive post! Absolutely wonderful news  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (01-11-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

That's brilliant!!! So pleased for you!

And well done you!

----------

Strugglingmum (01-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

> Suzi..... be ready to award a chufty badge...drumroll...... I went for my smear today... all up to date!! 3 years til the next one. 
> 
> I can't believe it but my 17yr old daughter has just allowed me to do her formal make-up. She has never asked before and its such a silly thing but it made me feel like she is learning to accept me again. It made me smile and feel at peace with where we are together. Right this moment I feel bonded to her and that is so special. .. it's been so long.


OMFG! That's AMAZING! Definite chufty badge awarded! I'm so proud of you! 
That's had me in tears (that and the song I'm currently listening to) I'm so pleased for you!!!

----------

Strugglingmum (01-11-19)

----------


## Angie

Your post has made me smile  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (01-11-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Feeling tearful.... my daughter was at a formal a month ago and we paid to get her hair and make-up done for the night. 
Today I did her hair and make-up and she prefers today's look to the one we paid for. She loves her eyes etc and says she feels more comfortable going out knowing she looks really good.
I dropped her off at her date's house and he had a lovely wrist corsage for her but then he only went and gave me a bunch of flowers and a huge box of chocolates. Such a lovely surprise. My daughter was well impressed and even more pleased for me than for her own corsage.

----------


## Jaquaia

Awww that's so lovely!!!

----------

Strugglingmum (01-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

Aww that's so lovely!!

----------

Strugglingmum (01-11-19)

----------


## Paula

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww

----------

Strugglingmum (01-11-19)

----------


## OldMike

That's so nice  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (01-11-19)

----------


## Flo

How lovely!!!...now that's what I call a lovely lad! Good on him. I bet you're pleased your daughter is going out with someone so thoughtful!

----------

OldMike (02-11-19),Strugglingmum (03-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

How are you lovely?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hey all. I have had such a busy weekend I am shattered. I'm sitting with my feet up watching back to back Christmas movies. Every part of my body aches but my mood is ok so I'll go with it. I have been sleeping a bit better and I know its really too early for the new meds to be making a difference but I feel as if I'm feeling a bit ..... well I'm not sure but hopeful maybe.

----------


## Paula

Hopeful is going to help on its own  :): . And yay! for Christmas movies  :(party):

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Hopeful is going to help on its own . And yay! for Christmas movies


You are so right huni. Sorry I've been such a negative Nancy, I am going to really try and capture a bit of hope and try to hold on to It. I am burying my head in the sand a bit at the moment with regard to how I am going to manage family contact around Christmas. I guess I'm hoping my new meds will make a difference before then and maybe help me cope better.

----------


## Suzi

Erm... most important question - which Christmas movies? Which is your favourite?

----------


## magie06

I sat watching Christmas movies on the Sony movie channel yesterday too!!

----------

Strugglingmum (04-11-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Erm... most important question - which Christmas movies? Which is your favourite?


Oh Suzi sooooooo many to choose from really depends on my mood. Love the old movies like White Christmas, Miracle on 34th Street, it's a wonderful life bit I also love cheesy Christmas romances and of course the all-time must watches... Elf and The Grinch, Polar Express. Stick a Christmas Tree in it and I'm hooked. I have a thing for Christmas Trees.

----------


## Suzi

I love Miracle on 34th Street! So..... how are you feeling atm? When do you put your decs up?

----------

Strugglingmum (04-11-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

It's a Wonderful Life is my favourite!!!

----------

Strugglingmum (04-11-19)

----------


## Paula

Elf. Its massive in my house  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (04-11-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> I love Miracle on 34th Street! So..... how are you feeling atm? When do you put your decs up?


Tbh I'm not quite sure how I am. I feel like I'm being a bit of an ostrich.... ignoring things that are too difficult to work out. I'm keeping excessively busy to distract and feel exhausted most of the time. I'm still battling su thoughts every day but I'm battling them. As i said to my psychiatrist, if I can just get to the point where I want to be safe. At the moment when people say, can you keep yourself safe, my problem is always that a lot of the time I don't want to be safe. Anyway, I'm ticking off the days. I'm going to bed shortly as I'm knackered. I'll take a tablet so I get sleep and tick off another day. 

My husband is The Grinch! !  His rule is no tree til December...... however, that doesn't mean other little ornaments won't make their way out of the boxes.........

----------


## Suzi

I'm so proud of you for being open and honest about that. I know it's really hard to do so. 
Have you spoken to hubby about everything yet?

----------


## Strugglingmum

We have talked through some stuff but I'm still thinking through the new diagnosis  (or ignoring it). At the moment for me it would not be helpful to have to go there with him. My focus is on battling my mood and thoughts at the moment and just trying to be mum and trying to find a glimpse of enjoying something. Having to deal with that as well is just too much for me right now.

----------


## Suzi

Hunni, do you and A normally not talk about things which are difficult?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Oh yes. We discuss any difficult topic about the kids, money, him etc, its just me. I clam up about me. But I guess that's because I learnt early on to keep everything about me secret.... especially my feelings and emotions and thoughts. I work things out in my head first and then talk. i guess i dont fully trust anybody.... even the person closest to me.  But i understand why that is.

----------


## Suzi

So do I, but maybe you could start by breaking things down into bits - So maybe tell him you're changing meds.... Then tell him you have a diff diagnosis - you aren't able to explain it, but you wanted him to know that you are working through it etc?

----------


## Strugglingmum

He knows ive changed meds, i told him about that as he too had been concerned about the side effects I was having from the last ones. He's glad I've new ones to try and he knows that they are for people who haven't had improvement with the normal choice of drugs. I'm doing what my psychologist suggested for now and laying aside the diagnosis and all the turmoil associated with it and just concentrating on what I need to do to get through each day. I can pick it up when my mood is in a better place. She still maintains that when i have worked through my trauma that a lot of other thingscwill improve also and i can then pick up and work with what i need to do to stay well.

----------

OldMike (06-11-19)

----------


## Mira

I hope that will happen too. And I think that will happen. That more will improve. Things are connected.

Reading about you watching christmas movies gives me a smile. I love them too  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (06-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

You are amazing. You are working so hard. I'm so proud of you!

----------

Strugglingmum (06-11-19)

----------


## OldMike

A very positive post SMum just take it day by day and you'll get there.

----------

Strugglingmum (06-11-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Had an appointment with my CPN today. She said that she felt I looked better than the last time she saw me. My sleeping is a bit better so I think its helping me overall. I'm desperately trying to keep positive and keep a bit of hope that these new meds will help me. 
Attended my floristry course today. Did a nice table arrangement for one of my assessment pieces. It worked out fairly well and i think its good enough for a pass. went for a swim this afternoon too. 
Getting my hair done tomorrow which will be nice but means I won't swim. Hopefully I'll get a swim on Friday.

----------


## Jaquaia

I didn't really feel the benefit until I was on the top dose. Hopefully it will start kicking in soon for you

----------


## Suzi

You're doing amazingly well hunni... Keep talking to those around you.

----------


## Mira

I am keeping my fingers crossed with regards to the meds. I hope they will help and do good work. So nice to get your hair done. That will be a nice treat.

And what a great course. Is it a long one?

----------


## Suzi

Morning lovely, how are you today?

----------


## Paula

Hi, lovely, what are you up to today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I met up with a friend this morning that I haven't seen in years. We were very close when our kids were small and did lots together but we have grown apart just due to life over past lot of years but whenever we meet its as if we were together just yesterday, we just pick up. We talked for 3 hours solid and caught up on life. I shared my illness with her and she caught me up on her life. It was lovely. Then I went and got my hair done so no grey. Came home, cooked dinner and ready to lift my hook. The fire is lit and I'm warm. Today is the first day I can remember in a long time that I haven't had a strong su urge to fight. It's been more peaceful than in a long long time.

----------

Jaquaia (08-11-19),Suzi (07-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

That is one of the best posts I've read! That's amazing! I'm so thrilled for you!  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (07-11-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Some of you will know how special this is.....this evening my daughter asked, mum how about we do a jigsaw and watch a movie? My heart exploded!! For us.... it's always Pitch Perfect... singalong     it's ridiculous that we could act in that movie. 
Added to that, today she was officially discharged from CAMHS. That's how well she has been doing. I'm super proud of her.

----------

Jaquaia (08-11-19)

----------


## Angie

Awww that is brilliant sweetie x

----------

Strugglingmum (07-11-19)

----------


## Paula

I am beaming!  :):  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (07-11-19)

----------


## Mira

Thanks for sharing this with us. I am in bed right now and this makes me happy. Its great to spend the evening this way and have a good time with a friend  :): .

----------


## Suzi

How are you today lovely?

----------


## Strugglingmum

this morning I woke up a bit grumpy. I'm tired and I didn't sleep great with nightmares. I was whinging to myself because my day was taken up with having to run my teens around to work, college, bus stops etc and I found myself saying, I wish I Could have a day just for me to do exactly what I want without having to think of being mum or housewife or wife. then it struck me.... today  I actually thought enough of myself to think I need a day to me. Today I believed that I'm important enough to have a day to enjoy, not sort everyone else out. That may sound silly but for so long I have felt so unworthy of consideration undeserving of anything nice. I may not get that day, but at least today I thought enough of myself to think I deserved one. 
Sorry if this sounds rambly and selfish. I really do love my family and don't mind looking after them.

----------

Angie (08-11-19),Suzi (08-11-19)

----------


## Paula

That doesnt sound silly, ramble or selfish. That sounds wonderful!  :):

----------


## Angie

What Paula said x

----------


## Suzi

Definitely not silly to me - in fact I had a similar conversation with my pain psychologist today.... I'm proud of you!

----------


## magie06

That's not silly at all. The best annology I've ever heard, when you are on an airplane, you are told to put your own mask on first, before helping babies and children. This is because if you don't, you won't be able to help anyone. 
The same applies to family. You can't pour from an empty jug. If you are burnt out, you are no good to anyone.

----------

Flo (08-11-19),Paula (08-11-19),Suzi (08-11-19)

----------


## Flo

I agree with Magie's analogy! You wouldn't be normal if you didn't have thoughts like that. You have a lot of people depending on you - dare I say hubby included? - mums and wives are the mental and emotional mainstay of most families. Can you farm the kids out on sleepovers? Can hubby go away for the night with his mates? OR...can you go with a friend for the night to a Spa and let hubby look after the kids?

----------

Suzi (08-11-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Back to psychology today. 
Was a tough session and I'm feeling a bit flat, in fact have been for a couple of days. 
Keeping busy and distracting.

----------


## Mira

What are you doing to keep busy? And what do you do ro distract?

Eventhough it was tough I hope it helped.

----------


## Jaquaia

:Panda:

----------


## Paula

A tough session, but do you think its helping you deal with things?

----------


## Suzi

Wanna talk about it?

----------


## Angie

:Panda:

----------


## Paula

How are you today?

----------


## Suzi

You're quiet - I'm worried about you. What's going on in your head?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm sorry I don't mean to worry you. I'm just plodding along trying to keep afloat.
I'm going to my centre, swimming, crochet just doing what I need to do. my mood is a bit low and my psychologist is thinking we might need to stop work for a while and that's stressing me a bit.

----------


## Paula

A pause in any treatment isnt always a bad thing, lovely. Why is it stressing you?

----------

Strugglingmum (13-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad that you are OK lovely. Bit flat? Remember you're stopping one load of meds and starting a new - it's all going to take time.

----------

Strugglingmum (13-11-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I didn't make it out of my pjs today. I took my daughter to her bus this morning (yes in my pjs) and came home and got back into bed. I finally slept again and didn't awaken til 11:30. I did get up and do some housework and laundry but saw no need to get dressed. I've been crocheting most of the evening to keep me busy. It's been dry here today..... first in days. 
I was meant to meet friends for coffee this morning but I couldn't face it, I just felt so tired. One of them did message me to say they missed me, it was thoughtful of her.

----------


## Suzi

Was it a "I need a pj day" day or an "I can't face anything and want to hide from the world before it swallows me whole" kind of day?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Probably a bit of both. I do feel really tired but I also just couldn't face the world today. Tomorrow I'll have to go out so maybe that will give me the kick I need. I very rarely don't get dressed but today just didn't seem any point. It feels like it would be very easy to crawl in to bed and not leave it, but I dont  want to start that as its never something ive done even on my worst days. Ive no idea whats wrong with me

----------


## Mira

We all have days like that. And they are not the best. But try not to dwell on it to much. I try to see going to bed as a reset and go from there. Thats easier said then done. And it does not work every time. But I hope it will for you today  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

I agree with Mira - sometimes we all have days like that.. 
Hopefully today is a bit brighter....

----------



----------


## Paula

Morning, sweetie, how are you today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I've been up and moving all day. more a case of had to rather than wanted to.  I had to drive my daughter to college as I slept in and she missed the bus(by 30 mins)  :(:   It takes an hour for the return journey. I got home, got dinner ready and into the slow cooker. Drove my son to work in the next town, did a couple of errands, went for a swim, grabbed a salad out of Asda for my lunch and now I'm waiting on my daughter to come out of college to head home. I have my crochet in the car but I can't really be bothered with it, although I have orders waiting. I'll settle down to it this evening. plodding.

----------


## Suzi

You sound flat... Are you OK?

----------

Strugglingmum (15-11-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I am feeling a bit low.  my head is just all over the place trying to work things out and understand myself. I actually just want to crawl into bed and stay there.

----------


## Angie

:Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (15-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

I can understand that love... Can you be kind to you?

----------

Strugglingmum (15-11-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Picked up my hook. It helps

----------

Suzi (15-11-19)

----------


## Mira

I can relate to that. I guess a lot of us have that too. Trying to understand things about ourselfs. Trying to learn and be kind to ourselfs. And through understanding hopefully learn how to cope better  :Panda: 

I do know that I am happy when I see you post. Even if its to say you feel low or that things are difficult. You are such a beautiful part of this place that I miss you when its silent. (no pressure) just me saying how much I like you.

----------

Paula (15-11-19),Strugglingmum (15-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

My hook helps me too....

----------

Strugglingmum (15-11-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Busy morning cleaning and shopping. Have been crocheting most of the rest of the day. I've my last order done, just need to sew on buttons and sew in ends. 
Have also eaten really badly today, just junk junk junk. Need to wise up and get healthy. Heading to bed as just need to end today and start new tomorrow.

----------


## magie06

While I was at the knitting and stitching show last week, we shared a table with about 6 others who were all belonging to a group called "The happy hookers". Maybe we should call you lot that!! You could start a new thread!  :(whew):

----------

Strugglingmum (17-11-19),Suzi (17-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

Maybe you need to be kinder to you? Stop beating yourself up about it - you're eating. That's good. You can work on what you eat later....

----------


## Mira

I agree with Suzi.

There are certain days were we need to be extra kind to ourselfs. And on those days its not a good idea to beat yourself up over what you have eaten. 

You are such a wonderful woman. And you are coping with a lot. Try not to dwell on the good. You finished the orders and I hope you enjoyed it. And I wish you are having a great sunday  :Panda:

----------


## Paula

How are you doing, lovely?

----------


## Suzi

Hey love, how's things today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Up and out to church this morning. It always helps me to get to church. 
I made French toast for lunch with some bacon. Feeling tired and a bit flat.

----------


## Paula

> Feeling tired and a bit flat.


Its not the first time youve said that. Whens your next appointment?

----------


## Angie

:(bear):

----------


## Strugglingmum

> It’s not the first time you’ve said that. When’s your next appointment?


I don't know. I was so upset last time leaving my psychiatrist that I forgo vto ask. I'll just wait on one being sent out. i see my CPN start of December.

----------


## Mira

Is it ok to wait till then or maybe call and ask for an appointment?

----------


## Suzi

Is there no way you can call to find out about your psych appointment and maybe bring your CPN appointment forward?

----------


## Paula

I really think you need to see someone before then, if you can. Would you be able to call tomorrow?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Do you think I need to? 
I feel like I'm plodding on although it is feeling tough. I'm finding it hard to judge

----------


## Paula

I think it might be sensible, Youve been low and flat for a while and everything seems to be a struggle

----------



----------


## Suzi

I have to completely agree with Paula. No harm in checking in with someone - being totally honest about how you are feeling and touching base.... Will you make that call tomorrow morning? Tell them that it's important?

----------



----------


## Mira

:Panda:  How are you doing today?

----------


## Paula

Hey, love, have you managed to call yet?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I've had a really busy day. I really haven't had time to think but I'm guessing I need to give the new medication time to kick in. it's not quite 3 weeks so it's still early on.

----------


## Mira

Thats true. How are you feeling now?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Tired, always tired. X

----------


## Mira

:Panda:

----------


## Paula

> I've had a really busy day. I really haven't had time to think but I'm guessing I need to give the new medication time to kick in. it's not quite 3 weeks so it's still early on.


Thats true, but Im sure your CPN would want to know that youre struggling this badly ...

----------

Strugglingmum (18-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

I agree with Paula, please let them know you are struggling - be honest and open.

----------


## Strugglingmum

I spoke to my CPN. I need to give the new medication time. As i thought, she said its still early days. I have an appointment through for my psychiatrist for 23rd Dec. My CPN says she will speak to him before that if I'm still struggling in a couple of weeks.

----------


## Mira

How do you feel about that? Is that ok or would you like to talk sooner? And how has your day been otherwise?

----------


## Suzi

Well done for speaking to your CPN. I think you're awesome.

----------


## Mira

How are you doing SM? I have missed you.

----------

Strugglingmum (21-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

I was thinking about you earlier and wondering how things were?

----------

Strugglingmum (21-11-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm very stressed at the moment.  My eldest is waiting to find out if he will be one of the staff to lose their jobs from his company. I've been having panic attacks with palpitations. I have a constant sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'm trying to be supportive and encouraging but I'm terrified, both of the fact of him losing his job but also the fact that I'm not coping with it all. I feel just a little out of control. There are very few job opportunities anywhere near us in his line of work. I'm  trying to distract and keep busy but I didn't make it out to my floristry yesterday and only went out today to drop off an order and to the GP surgery to order my script.
On the positive,  my hubby works in the same company and his job is safe.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:  no wonder youre anxious. Are you using any of your coping mechanisms?

----------

Strugglingmum (21-11-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Yes I've been practicing my mindfulness and meditation, deep breathing etc
Distracting with my crochet hook as ever although I'm finding it hard to enjoy it atm

----------


## Paula

Do you listen to a mindfulness app or something similar?

----------

Strugglingmum (21-11-19)

----------


## Mira

When things like that happen its understandable that you feel that way. How is your eldest coping with it? 

And its ok to be supportive and encouraging and be terrified. It can all exist together. And its not wrong or bad.

----------

Paula (21-11-19),Strugglingmum (21-11-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I have a CD that was made for me with my psychologist. We designed it specifically for my needs, reactions etc. It's very good and does help me ground etc. 

Thank you Mira. He is very stressed worrying about having to sell his car to pay off the loan on it etc. and trying to find a new job doing what he is trained to do. I'm telling him it will all work out, we'll get thru it together, something will come up but we all know good jobs are very hard to find.

----------


## EJ

I’m really sorry to hear this.

----------


## Angie

Sorry to hear about your sons worrys about his job sweetie,

----------


## Suzi

That is a worry. I'm glad you're using your coping strategies, but why not talk about it here before now? It helps to get it all out of your head..... 

Crochet - are you making something you enjoy to make? When Marc was ill last I started what I call my stress blanket. It's really simple - just a big granny square, but made with odds and ends of yarn. So it takes very little concentration and I can just do it....

----------


## Strugglingmum

wet and windy here today. Ridiculously thete is not a single sentence in my head to say other than that.

----------


## Mira

Its all ok. Just saying anything is better then being silent. We care about how you are doing. And want to spend so many  :(bear):  hugs.

We could even start a thread with weird sentences that pop in our heads  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (22-11-19)

----------


## Angie

Not ridiculous at all sweetie, you know you can say as little or as much as you want but also will also be listened to, its cold here today but at least stopped raining, How are you doing ?

----------

Strugglingmum (22-11-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm ok. I'm getting ready to go out. I'm taking my middle child to work, going for a swim and picking my youngest up from college. Well when I say I'm getting ready.... I'm thinking about what I need to do.... I'm still in my onesie and probably will be til the last minute. I've a feeling the achievement level today is going to be the basics......although I did fold some laundry. Desire..... crawl into bed, pull the duvet over the head and stay there. Thankful that my needy teens mean I can't do that..... I have to go out.

----------


## Paula

Basics is fine, youre doing just what you need to do today

----------

Strugglingmum (22-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

Basics is fine - just don't go quiet  :O:  It's always better to talk about it all....

----------

Strugglingmum (22-11-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

My son got told today that his job is safe. I thought I would feel a lot brighter about it but I still feel a bit strung out. It's like even with the good news I can't get any sort of equilibrium. I did swim today and just lay on my back in the water for a while after my lengths letting the sound of the water in my ears just soothe me a bit. It did help. At least I feel able to pick up my hook and crochet. My CPN dropped a workbook through my door today on building resilience so I'm going to try and start at it over the weekend and try the first task.

----------


## Angie

Thats great news for you son about his job, it has been stressful so can take time to get over that sweetie. Though am glad that the swim has helped xx

----------

Strugglingmum (22-11-19)

----------


## Mira

I agree with Angie. It has been a stressful moment. And a long moment. So that will take a while I guess. But what a good way to go into the weekend. He must be happy.

----------

Strugglingmum (22-11-19)

----------


## Paula

Im not surprised youre feeling strung out, its hard to climb down from that level of stress straight away

----------

Strugglingmum (22-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

Such good news! In our house we call it an anxiety/stress hangover.... It'll take a while to settle love....

----------

Strugglingmum (23-11-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Up and out early this morning as son had to be in work for 9:30am.  Did the shopping and picked up a few extra bits for Christmas.  Can't get excited about Christmas presises at all but I now have a Turkey in the feezer and some crackers(the kind for cheese as its all about the cheese) in the cupboard. finding it hard to settle to anything. I've half watched a couple of movies but not really achieved anything.

----------


## Paula

Youve achieved loads today, far more than I have...

----------


## Strugglingmum

Pitch Perfect 2 is now on Netflix. Watched it this afternoon while I did the ironing. Fire lit and I think crochet the rest of the night.

----------


## Mira

You are doing great and sounds like an evening well spend.

----------


## Suzi

You've achieved more than I have today! Well done lovely.

----------


## Mira

How was the movie? It sounded so nice with the fire lit. My house is from the 30's and used to have a fireplace but they took it out years ago. I miss it so much.

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing love? Did you sleep well?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I didn't manage to pick up my hook last night, I'm just feeling so agitated I'm finding it hard to settle to anything. 
I went to bed fairly early and took a sleeping tablet so I slept fairly well though a bit groggy today. Didn't manage to get up and out to church so trying to come up with an idea for today. I want to take the dig out but just finding it tough to get the motivation.

----------


## Mira

I can relate to feeling that way. Try to be kind to yourself. Its all ok. You are ok.

Who knows. You might get an idea. Or just relax. Sunday is a nice day to not put pressure on yourself.

----------


## Suzi

Absolutely be kind to you. What about snuggling watching movie or something?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Took the dog a long walk just before lunchtime..... it did us both good to walk along the shore....well she ran like a thing possessed. I'm glad I went. The walk help eased my agitation a bit. I came back, had lunch and then spent the afternoon clearing out cupboards and filling bags for the charity shop..... my landing is full!! Also a pile of stuff for the dump and recycling. I feel like I achieved something and that has really helped. Tonight after dinner I hope to lift my hook and craft for a while. I haven't managed to lift it in a couple of days due to feeling so agitated so hopefully tonight I've done enough to be able to settle. I think a movie will be in order. My son has put Netflix on my laptop so 'I can have movies wherever I go', even in my craft room.

----------


## EJ

You’ve achieved loads. Well done

----------


## Mira

Thanks for writing this update. You gave me a smile. I like how you turned it around and go out for a lovely walk. It seems that helped you do those other things as well. Awesome.

----------

Strugglingmum (24-11-19)

----------


## Paula

Youre awesome!

----------

Strugglingmum (24-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

So proud of you!!!! 

Are you hooking for orders or enjoyment?

----------

Strugglingmum (24-11-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

So tonight it took a while but I did eventually pick up my hook and worked for a couple of hours. 
Suzi I find these days if I'm not actually doing orders I'm looking for things that might sell and working up a sample to put on my page. 
I rarely crochet for me, its mostly baby stuff.

----------


## Suzi

What about doing something for you? I'm doing the Rosetta swirl CAL and I'm loving it. It's a different style of crochet (tapestry crochet) and it's really pretty. This is the main webpage - but it's on FB - you should add me as a friend, I can add you to the hooking groups! 
https://www.scheepjes.com/en/cals-an...9/information/

----------

Strugglingmum (25-11-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Oooooo its gorgeous Suzi. 
After Christmas I will maybe find a new project. Thank you,  :(bear):

----------


## Mira

That does look awesome. My mum is into crochet as well. She made minions for my sister and they looked very good.
I was wondering what you are doing for yourself these days? Something that you do not have to.

----------

Strugglingmum (25-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

Minions? That's really cool!

SM sometimes you just need to do something for you! 
How are you this morning hunnipie?

----------

Strugglingmum (25-11-19)

----------


## Paula

Morning, sweetie

----------

Strugglingmum (25-11-19)

----------


## OldMike

I'm glad you're finding time to do some crochet, maybe crochet something for yourself as Suzi said.

----------

Strugglingmum (25-11-19)

----------


## magie06

Hi there. Leaving you some love and lots of hugs.  :(bear):

----------

Strugglingmum (25-11-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

hi all. 
I had an early start with a psychology appointment at 9am.  Then I went to the day centre and worked in the kitchen all day. Left there, went for a swim and I'm proud to say hit my target of 40 lengths.... that's  1km. I'm so pleased as when I started a few months ago I struggled to do 10 lengths and even that was with rests in between.  Today I did 40 without stopping. 
picked my wee chick up and home and have tea on. 
I definitely have more energy since I started sleeping better..... it's trying to work out what to do with it. I was talking with my psychologist today about it and she has lots of ideas. She wants me to find a creative outlet that is just for me. As she said, it's great you have energy to do housework but you are not the type to be fulfilled by that, you need to have an idea of producing something fulfilling. I'm musing over a couple of ideas and trying not to feel overwhelmed.... baby steps.
there's every possibility that tonight's creative venture will be the tree :(nod):

----------

Suzi (25-11-19)

----------


## Paula

I know its been a long journey,  but Im really starting to see a change in your mood  :): . Maybe the meds are starting to work? And well done on the swimming - thats awesome!

----------

Strugglingmum (25-11-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> I know it’s been a long journey,  but I’m really starting to see a change in your mood . Maybe the meds are starting to work? And well done on the swimming - that’s awesome!


I do hope so Paula. I still feel a bit flat which makes it hard when I've got extra energy, it comes out as agitation but I think talking it through with my psychologist has helped me understand it a bit better.

----------


## Mira

Baby steps is a good idea. And how swell that you are sleeping better. (I think swell is an old fashioned word. I love old fashioned  :): 

And that is a lot of swimming. Good one.

----------

Strugglingmum (25-11-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

You're doing brilliantly

----------

Strugglingmum (25-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

I'm so proud of you! Well done for talking things through with your psychologist. I'm really glad that they've helped you work through things..

----------


## Strugglingmum

So this evening as per norm Mr SM fell asleep. When he awoke i had Christmasified the house. .... I stopped short of putting the tree up.... well my daughter put one up on the landing. I have all the decorations up and garlands etc and..... I'm not calling him the Grinch but lets just say the disapproval is oozing from him..... seriously he's so grumpy you would think I sacrificed our firstborn!!!
You know what.... it got me through the agitation of the evening, it made me smile to do it and it makes me smile when I look at them. My daughter and I giggled together at being naughty and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. You know how much it means to me to connect with her..... he can grump away!!! I told him.... it made me smile, my daughter spent time with me, if you can't get past your... no decorations in November rule, I really don't care. I am 47 yrs old, I joint own our house and if I want to put up a bit of tinsel to make me smile I'll damn well do it....... I may be looking someone to rehome me :(giggle):

----------

Jaquaia (26-11-19),OldMike (26-11-19),Suzi (25-11-19)

----------


## Mira

I am loving it. Spending this kind of time with your daughter is priceless. And it sounds like it was a great deal of fun. I would put the decorations up in June if its this much fun.

Seeing how it helped you and made a good connection with your daughter makes it worth while. 

I do hope that the grumpyness will fade soon.

----------

Strugglingmum (25-11-19)

----------


## Paula

Thats brilliant! And I completely agree with you - whatever makes you and your daughter happy is totally worth it!

----------

Strugglingmum (25-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo!!!! Go you!!!! Now I feel that I might need to dust off the special Christmas part of the forum.....

----------

Strugglingmum (25-11-19)

----------


## OldMike

SMum that made smile good on you and your daughter, it's been a long while since I decorated my house for Christmas as a kid we had a tree made out of a chimney sweep's brush we knew how to live in the 1950's  :(giggle):

----------

Strugglingmum (26-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

You don't get a Christmas tree or have sparkly fairy lights Mike?

----------


## Mira

I remember my mum telling me that growing up they had propper candles in the tree. I know its dangerous. But it must have been such a gorgous sight. Normaly I decorate the house. But I might pass this year.

Do you have any decorations around the house Mike? Maybe something traditional from germany that uses candles to move something? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_pyramidhttp://

----------


## Mira

Just saw that the link was not correct.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_pyramid

This one works better. Sorry for that.

----------


## Strugglingmum

It's beautiful Mira. I have one of these which is a nativity scene. We got it at a German Christmas market so that figures. I love watching it spin.

----------


## Suzi

Those are beautiful!  :):  

Has your hubby got any less grumpy about it all SM?

----------


## Strugglingmum

mmmmmmmmm....... he's still a bit green and hairy!!!

----------


## Jaquaia

Give it time, it's December on Sunday, his heart may grow 3 sizes  :O:

----------

Strugglingmum (26-11-19)

----------


## Mira

Thats awesome that you have one SM. I am still looking for a good one to get. 

So hubby has not melted yet with all those lovely decorations  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (26-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

> mmmmmmmmm....... he's still a bit green and hairy!!!


 :(rofl):  :(rofl):  :(rofl):

----------

Strugglingmum (26-11-19)

----------


## magie06

I have a feeling that I'll have one of those on my hands this weekend. I'm hoping to get the tree up on Friday. Hubby would like to put the tree up on Christmas Eve and take it down on Boxing day. I've given in for a quiet life, but this year Ais is very excited about Christmas, so I'm going to go along with her.

----------

Strugglingmum (26-11-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> I have a feeling that I'll have one of those on my hands this weekend. I'm hoping to get the tree up on Friday. Hubby would like to put the tree up on Christmas Eve and take it down on Boxing day. I've given in for a quiet life, but this year Ais is very excited about Christmas, so I'm going to go along with her.


Go for it!!! Have the best fun doing it. 
I've still my main tree to do. I'm choosing my moment carefully!!!!

----------


## Suzi

Lol, I'm having similar issues!  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (27-11-19)

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm working on James to really Christmas-ify his house this year! 

And I really want to watch the Grinch now...

----------


## Paula

Oooo I didnt like the Grinch - that little girl was creepy

----------


## Strugglingmum

Another busyish day. I dropped my daughter to the bus this morning but lay down when I came back.... I just wasn't feeling it. Had to take my son to the town for an appointment.  I went for a swim and met up with him again for lunch. I then had a bit of time to kill so did some Christmas shopping. I have got my niece's sorted and a few stocking fillers. I then went for my eye test. As i thought, age is catching up on me and I need stronger reading glasses. Stopped at the GP surgery on the way home to collect my prescription, took it to the chemist, then home, When I got home my eldest told me my hubby is in bed sleeping, he came home from work feeling sick. Have to pick my daughter up at 8pm in the town, bring her home and then up again for midnight to pick my son up. It's an hour round trip each time. Sometimes living in the countryside isn't great!!

----------


## Suzi

Wow! You've been really busy! You've been all over the place! Hope you are getting some rest at some point too...

----------


## Strugglingmum

Have had such a frustrating unproductive day. 
Felt tired when I got up. I ran my daughter to the bus, came home and washed dishes as our dishwasher is broken..... repair man next week. Did a few jobs then ran up to the town to collect my daughter and take her to get her braces on. Plan was to swim after that but I just couldn't muster up the will to go. Came home and have done nothing. Now I'm also struggling because I feel like I've wasted the day. I actually just want to get into bed and stay there.  I cant seem to settle to anything, even eating properly. I just keep making a cup of coffee and lifting a biscuit. I normally eat really healthy, today its been crisps, hairdo, chocolate. Fed up with myself. I hate my weight yet I eat crap. Now I just want to sit and cry. I am all over the place.

----------


## Mira

We all have days like these. Sadly its a part of our issues. But this does not put all the other better days to waste. Its not ruining the days were we eat healthy and are active. 

You did do something today. Some things for your daughter and the dishes. And some other Jobs. These are the moments I wish I was nearby. So I could give you a hug and say its all ok. You are ok  :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (28-11-19)

----------


## Paula

Oh sweetheart  :(bear): . But I need to make it clear that you did everything today you needed to do for your well being. As that was obviously resting, you absolutely didnt waste the day!

----------

Strugglingmum (28-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

I'm sorry, but I assume you meant haribo not hairdo  :O: 

Sweetheart you've been so busy and in and out as a taxi all hours I'm not surprised you're having a not-so-great day... Be kind to yourself. You've listened to your body and that's a positive.

----------

Strugglingmum (28-11-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> I'm sorry, but I assume you meant haribo not hairdo 
> 
> Sweetheart you've been so busy and in and out as a taxi all hours I'm not surprised you're having a not-so-great day... Be kind to yourself. You've listened to your body and that's a positive.


Lots of Haribo!! Gotta love autocorrect

----------


## Strugglingmum

I eventually settled enough to pick up my crochet which really helped to ease my agitation.

----------

Paula (29-11-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

morning all. 
Took my daughter to the bus and came back and got back into bed. I'm now up and have had brekkie but not much motivation to do much else. Anyone got a spare bucketload of motivation?
I have plans to go to Belfast to Ikea today with my son but I'm not feeling it. Hopefully he has enough enthusiasm for both of us. I want to get a frame for a print I got my sister for Christmas. I love Ikea frames but right now B&M is looking good..... it's much closer!! lol

----------


## Suzi

How you doing love? Did you hit Ikea (I've never been to Ikea) or did B+M do?

----------


## Mira

What tends to happen a lot with me is that I hardly ever want to do something. But then when its going on its ok and even fun at times. And I am sure your son knows you and knows how to make sure you both have a fun time.

----------


## Paula

Sometimes its good to push ourselves, but sometimes its good to lower our expectations. How did the frame hunt go?

----------


## magie06

I'm another person who has never been to Ikea. I believe it's a great day trip, but I don't think I'd be in a hurry to go.

----------


## Strugglingmum

my son had enough get up and go for both of us. We hit Ikea and I was very restrained, I bought the frame I wanted for my sister but I also bought us a huge bkack and white canvas of a stag. My son bought me lunch in Ikea of a beautiful cranberry and brie tart with fries (blow the diet today again).
We then went to Home Bargains and he bought himself a mirror and unit for his room. We were being a bit silly with Christmas jumpers  hats etc. We had a good laugh. I'm glad we went. Picked my daughter up from college on the way home.
My son definitely helped turn the day around a bit.

----------

Suzi (29-11-19)

----------


## Mira

Yes that sounds like the day turned around a bit. It is so lovely to be with persons we love. And that can do so much with moods and feelings. I am so glad you went to Ikea with your son. And being silly is awesome. Keep it up  :):

----------


## Paula

Well done SMS son! And well done SM for pushing past and doing what you needed to do  :):

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like a brilliantly fun day! So pleased for you!

----------


## Mira

Hey there. How are things going in your part of the world?

----------


## Jaquaia

I love the ginger and lemon biscuits from there! And the almond ones. And the vanilla candles smell amazing!!!

----------


## Strugglingmum

I've been very flat today. My hubby is actually concerned about how flat and all over the place I've been over past few weeks. 
I'm seeing my CPN on Monday so we'll see what she thinks. 
heading out shortly to pick my son up from work. 
I did remember to tax my car today and book an MOT for this week. I took my son to work earlier and did the shopping but my anxiety was so bad I came home without half the stuff. I'm really stupid at times.

----------


## Mira

Oh SM  :Panda:  that does not make you stupid. You were struggling with doing the shopping. I have that too. Where my anxiety gets the better of me. Would you call me stupid when that happens to me?

Its good that you see her on monday. Then you do not have to wait that long. 

And I do not think you are stupid. You never are.

I hope you have fun while picking up your son.

----------

Strugglingmum (30-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

Not stupid at all! Have you spoken to him about changing meds etc? Could you have a meeting with him and your CPN to help talk things through and also so he could input how he thinks things are...

----------

Strugglingmum (30-11-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Yes he knows its probably related to the meds change. He can't be at my appointment but he us going to phone and speak to my CPN before I see her on Monday.

----------

Suzi (01-12-19)

----------


## Paula

You wouldnt believe the amount of times Ive dived out of a shop in tears. Sometimes, shopping is just too much ...... youre not stupid at all.

I think its a good idea for hubby to talk to the CPN

----------

Strugglingmum (30-11-19)

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad he's going to talk to her. 

For the record, I can't tell you the amount of times Marc has just walked out of a supermarket just leaving the shopping in the middle of an aisle because it all got too much!

----------


## Mira

How are you today? Still feeling flat?

----------


## Suzi

Hey you! How's you?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Saw my CPN today. She agreed that I didn't seem so good and is going to contact my consultant to discuss things with him.

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):  It's good that you've got her on your side to help...

----------


## Paula

Well done for telling her

----------


## OldMike

Well done on telling your CPN  :(nod):

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing? Did Hubby get to speak to her?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I didn't go to the centre today, I just didn't feel like being there. 
However, I did get up  and took the dog for a long walk on the shore. I feel it did me more good. It's very cold but bright and sunny and it definitely soothed me. I came back and ate some lunch, did the dishes and hung washing out. I'm going back to concentrating just on the basics, food, drink, rest, fresh air and just being. 
My CPN helped me see i am going through a crisis phase and its ok to just do what I need to get through and ease my high expectations of myself. So I am trying to give myself permission to be 'ill' and take it easy instead of beating myself up for not achieving and getting frustrated and just making things worse. 
Hubby spoke to my CPN but he didn't need to really, she saw for herself I was a bit of a mess. I feel more at peace with myself today (well so far).

----------


## Paula

Im glad youre trying to be kind to yourself, I know how difficult that is to do  :(bear):

----------

Strugglingmum (03-12-19)

----------


## Mira

Even if he might not have needed to talk to your CPN it might have done your husband some good too. It might be small but as a partner it does help to have a sense that you are helping. So that seems nice to me.

And I like how you are going to take care of yourself that way. If it were up to me you would have that permission in a heartbeat. So I hope you can give it to yourself as well  :(bear):

----------

Paula (03-12-19),Strugglingmum (03-12-19),Suzi (03-12-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Even if he might not have needed to talk to your CPN it might have done your husband some good too. It might be small but as a partner it does help to have a sense that you are helping. So that seems nice to me.
> 
> And I like how you are going to take care of yourself that way. If it were up to me you would have that permission in a heartbeat. So I hope you can give it to yourself as well


thank you Mira. you are so wise.  :(bear):  and kind.

----------


## Suzi

I am so proud of you! It's so hard to accept that "I'm ill and need to do the basics."

I'm glad that your Hubby was able to talk to her, it will have helped him to feel heard too...

----------

Strugglingmum (03-12-19)

----------


## Mira

How have the days been for you? I was wondering how you are doing.

----------


## Suzi

Are you being kind to you?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I have been doing the necessities. 
I managed a swim yesterday.Today I did the ironing and washed my wee car.....in the rain. It was a necessity because hubby has it away to MOT..... I hope it passes. 

Otherwise I am feeling the benefit from just giving myself permission to expect less of myself. My anxiety is a bit less.

----------


## Suzi

Hope the car passes, I hate it when mine goes in for her MOT.. 


I am SO proud of you for giving yourself that permission and that it's really helping.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thank you.  Delighted to say my car passed. Big relief.

----------


## Suzi

Well done little car!  :):

----------


## Mira

Great news about the car. And I hope your day today will be better.

----------


## Paula

Yay! For the car  :(party): 

What are you planning for today? More being kind to yourself?

----------


## Paula

How are you doing, sweetie?

----------


## Suzi

I was wondering the same thing...

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hi all. 
I'm doing ok. Just taking it moment by moment. My anxiety is quite high at the moment so I'm probably avoiding things a bit more. 
Hubby and I did get to church this morning.  We were on Rota to take the youth so we had a full morning. I do enjoy spending time with the youth but it does take a lot out of me. Feet up this afternoon and an old classic movie...... White Christmas.  Can't beat a bit of Bing.
I see my psychologist tomorrow so I have some tasks still to do for the appointment  so I'll do them later. 
I haven't decided if I'm going back to the centre this week. My focus is on necessities  and making sure I swim.

----------


## Mira

Sounds to me that you have your priorities straight. Doing what is best for you to make it through the day. And taking care of yourself while doing it.

----------

Strugglingmum (08-12-19)

----------


## Paula

Youve done brilliantly today  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (08-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

Well done for resting this afternoon! That's really important. 

Have you and hubby talked about how things are for you right now?

----------

Strugglingmum (08-12-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hubby knows things are tough right now

----------


## Suzi

Have you talked to him about what's in your head? Your diagnosis?

----------


## Strugglingmum

psychology this morning was ok. I wasn't able to do the tasks she had asked as I just couldn't get the words to flow to write but it was ok with her. We talked over some other stuff from my childhood. 
I drove round to the centre but I didn't stay, I went swimming instead and swam a mile today.  I thought I'd feel a bit more accomplished about it or sense of achievement but I don't. I went to a few shops before I came home and got a few stocking fillers for the kids. Came home and did very little. Put tea in the oven for the family but I've retreated to bed. I do feel tired but it's more I just want to be alone. Hubby said he would finish off and feed everyone. I'll maybe try a nap now as I am feeling tired. it will maybe help. 
Suzi I have parked the whole diagnosis thing for now. I'm still processing it little by little. Hubby knows my mood is flat and my anxiety is high. He knows Christmas is freaking me out because I have to have contact as all the family are coming here Christmas Eve. He also knows I will do anything to avoid it so he's keeping an eye on me.

----------


## Paula

He still doesnt know?

----------


## Suzi

Hold on? You're family is going to you for Christmas Eve? Including him? Why on earth are you putting yourself through that and allowing him into your safe home?

----------


## Strugglingmum

because it's my turn.
because I don't want to have to answer questions if I refuse.
because it's easier on the rest of the family for me to just take my turn.
because if I want to see the rest of my family I have to see him too.
because I'm a stupid wuss who just wants everything to go away and stop hurting my brain. 
because I want my kids to be able to keep the family tradition my mum started of us all being together Christmas Eve. 
because I don't have the energy to fight or think outside the box. It's easier to go with the flow.

----------


## Paula

Youre ill. Tell your family, hunni, and tell them you cant do it. Doing this just for traditions sake just doesnt make sense. And tell hubby so he can support you. Please .....

----------


## Suzi

> because it's my turn.
> because I don't want to have to answer questions if I refuse.
> because it's easier on the rest of the family for me to just take my turn.
> because if I want to see the rest of my family I have to see him too.
> because I'm a stupid wuss who just wants everything to go away and stop hurting my brain. 
> because I want my kids to be able to keep the family tradition my mum started of us all being together Christmas Eve. 
> because I don't have the energy to fight or think outside the box. It's easier to go with the flow.


I can see that... but I have to say that this is really concerning to me and I'm not your CPN. Have you told her and your psychologist about this plan? 




> because I'm a stupid wuss who just wants everything to go away and stop hurting my brain.


This really bothers me. What you went through was horrific. It's very definitely NOT being a "stupid wuss" at all. You'd never say that about me, or any other survivor, so why you? 
You think that I'm "difficult" because I don't have anything to do with my parents first born? That if I know that he's going to be somewhere I am always in another room to him or flanked on all sides by Marc, Ben, my little brother, my sister - I am NEVER alone with him... I have panic when I get a christmas card from him, I immediately take it out and burn it so he's not infected my safe space. That's not me being difficult, it's doing what I do to survive as intact as I can. I will not let him have that power. 

Hunni it's not long ago you were having suicidal thoughts (and I suspect you still are), you won't talk to A about your diagnosis and you are struggling to cope as things are, why do you think that it's ever going to be a positive thing to bring that huge amount of pressure, flashbacks, nightmares, hellish reminders into your home?

----------


## Strugglingmum

My psychologist knows the plan.... she's not happy about it but she has helped me put plans in place to help protect me throughout the visit..... like letting A know he's on sentinel duty, knowing I can retreat. A code word for I need help etc. She knows I don't expect it to be a positive experience but that I will do it anyway because of all the above reasons so her response is, let's help you through it.
My CPN is just... don't do it. She doesn't quite grasp how much this get together brings my mum that bit closer and its important for me to do it in her memory.. 

When I called myself a wuss its more because I'm not brave enough to do what I would prefer to do and that frustrates me.
 I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend.

----------


## magie06

Maybe it's time for new Christmas traditions. We've changed our traditions over the last 5 years because my mum is just not able for what we did before. 
I don't think you are able for what you've done before. If you are going to go ahead, then ask everyone to bring a dish. Not just the wine, someone needs to bring the starter, the main course, the veg's, the potatoes and then someone brings dessert. If you have to have them over that is.

----------


## Strugglingmum

That's the way we do it too Magie. I will provide rice, potatoes and my yearly trifle....it's a family thing.... my sis and sils will bring the rest. It works well each year.

----------


## Suzi

You didn't offend me! It's much harder than that!  :):  

Sweetheart I am really concerned about this, but will be here to help you through it as much as possible...

----------


## Strugglingmum

> You didn't offend me! It's much harder than that!  
> 
> Sweetheart I am really concerned about this, but will be here to help you through it as much as possible...


Thank you.  It's happening so I will really be welcoming any support going.  :(bear):

----------


## Suzi

You ALWAYS have my support. I'll never turn my back on you at all. Never worry about that please.....

----------

Strugglingmum (10-12-19)

----------


## Mira

If there is anything I can do to help then I want to help. You have some good people behind you. Even in other countries  :(bear):

----------

Strugglingmum (10-12-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

So today I made it into the centre. I was working in the kitchen but by 2pm I was exhausted so ..... get ready to pat on the back....I came home and went to bed for an hour. I was woken by the engineer phoning to say he was coming tomorrow morning to fix the dishwasher.... hurray!!! I know I know, such a first world problem but I am missing it, especially as I'm so tired at the moment.  I will definitely need it for Christmas eve. 18 of us in total. We share the cooking and everyone brings something so it's good. 
My mum started our Christmas Eve tradition when my sis left home and we have done it every year for the past 35 years. It's the one time of the year (barring weddings and funerals) that we are all together. It's great for all our kids to get together and catch, especially as they are now all grown up..... my daughter is the youngest.

----------


## Paula

Back definitely patted for getting to the centre but also knowing where to stop  :): 

Edit:to finish my sentence ....

----------

Strugglingmum (11-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

I'm really, really proud of you! It's not easy knowing when to stop and to actually put your needs first and go for a laydown. Well done love! 
What's on the agenda for today?

----------

Strugglingmum (11-12-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Went to the centre today as I needed to do all the write ups etc for my floristry course. I've it all finished and handed in so that is a weight off my mind. 
I then went for a swim. Only did 50 lengths today but I had hit the stage where I just needed to go home. I'm home and managed a sandwich..... my appetite is rubbish at the moment. Sitting with feet up for a while.

----------


## Suzi

50 lengths? Wow! 
Glad you're sitting with your feet up love.

----------


## Paula

Thats a positive post, though I know it probably doesnt feel like it. Youre doing everything you need to be doing, lovely

----------


## Mira

It was good to read you were active today. By going to the centre. And wow to the swimming. Did you manage to be nice to yourself this evening?

----------


## Mira

I was thinking about you today. How are you doing?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> I was thinking about you today. How are you doing?


Thank you Mira.  I'm ok. Plodding. 
Went for a swim today and shopped for our youth party tomorrow  night. I've been wrapping gifts all afternoon and making a 'pass the parcel' game with forfeits. Not as inventive as I would normally be, but its ok. 
How are you doing?

----------


## Paula

Thats a lot more than plodding  :O:

----------


## Suzi

I agree! Far more than what I would call plodding!

----------


## Mira

That was a productive day indeed. Maybe you are to harsh on yourself. I think this is something we all do. Paula made that post with the picture and it showed how much we would do for others and how much for ourselfs. My therapist gave me a compliment this week. He said look at how we are with little children. When they do something we compliment them and show how well they did. But with ourselfs we just go oh well thats normal. Or I could have done more. Not saying we should act as if we are small children. But I do think we can be more proud of what we do even if it are small little things.

You did a good job yesterday. But if you did even more or if you did nothing and rest all day what I am going to say now would be the same. You are ok. You are a good person.

(On the friday post with positive things you wrote even if I am a twat. You are not. I have never read anything you post here and thought that at all)

----------

Jaquaia (14-12-19),Paula (14-12-19),Strugglingmum (14-12-19),Suzi (14-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

That's a brilliant post from Mira. He's spot on, of course..... 

Hope you're resting ready for the youth group party later.

----------

Strugglingmum (14-12-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hubby and I went out today, did a blitz on the shops and bar a couple of wee fillers we have completed our Christmas pressie shopping . Relief all round. 
Have my feet up before I get ready to party with our youth group later. Looking forward to being silly and getting away with it!!

----------


## Paula

Have a wonderful time  :(party):

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like a lovely day! Hope you're having a great time at the party! 

Is tomorrow a rest day?

----------


## Strugglingmum

The party went well. The youth all seemed to enjoy the silly party games and the even sillier prizes. Once they realised there were prizes they nearly murdered each other to win musical chairs. 
I'm just glad its over. It's exhausting keeping the smiles in place and faking the fun although tonight I did enjoy seeing them having fun. I have no more commitments now til the dreaded Christmas Eve. 
I've to go back up to the town tonight to collect my son from work at midnight. Tomorrow morning I'm not going to church as I'm going to lie in. I will go to the Carol service tomorrow night,  there's a brass band playing and I do like carols.

----------


## Paula

That sounds lovely  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (15-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

That sounds like you did really well at the party, but I'm glad you're planning a rest day. The carols with brass band sound fabulous!

----------

Strugglingmum (15-12-19)

----------


## OldMike

Nothing like silly party games, I'm glad it was fun.

----------

Strugglingmum (15-12-19)

----------


## Mira

Sometimes its good to fake it a little bit. And you did it and you did enjoy it. Thats the plus of faking it sometimes.

I hope today was nice with staying in bed for a while and that you enjoy the evening  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

How did your day go lovely?

----------


## Paula

Hi, lovely, how are you?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hi all. Past couple of days have been very busy at the centre. Christmas dinner for 100 tomorrow so a lot of prep work in the kitchen . I finished today so I'm not back until the New Year. 
I'm still plodding along. My appetite isn't great, but I'm still fighting for my swim regularly and its still helping. Planning to have a gentle few days and getting my hair done on Thursday. Hubby and I thinking of the cinema on Saturday to see Cats. I'll see how I'm feeling closer to the time.

----------



----------


## Paula

Im so proud of you, thats a fab post!

----------

Strugglingmum (18-12-19)

----------


## Mira

I know things have not been easy for you. But reading your thread and posts like this give me strength. I am not joking. I think its so good that you do go swimming. And having ideas to go see a movie in the weekend. I try to think of that when I am feeling the way I do. Thanks for being a part of the community here.

----------

Paula (18-12-19),Strugglingmum (18-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

I'm so proud of you! Well done lovely. Are you going to the Christmas dinner? OO I want to see Cats too! Looks fabulous!

----------


## Strugglingmum

thanks all. 
No I'm not doing the dinner. My appetite is rubbish.... I've lost 1/2 stone in past few weeks. Dinner with 100 people is the stuff nightmares are made of for me.
last night I had to do a late drive for my son finishing work. Got up this morning and got my daughter to the bus and went back to bed for an hour. Got up, brought my son to work and went for a swim. 64 lengths which is a mile. I'm waiting for my son to finish and my daughter to finished college and then home to make tea for them all.

----------


## Suzi

64 lengths? Wow, that's a lot of swimming. 
Dinner with over 100 people is not easy for most people! 
Sounds like you're doing really well with resting too. Well done hunni.

----------

Strugglingmum (18-12-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Got a bit of tidying up done around the house today but still so much to do before Christmas Eve. 
Got my hair cut and coloured today and some festive tinsel strands put in. 
All the little girls were in the salon getting them done and I fancied some so my stylist took extra time just to do them for me, keeping herself back. I really appreciated her kindness. 
Tomorrow I need to do more around the house but I am going to make sure and swim.

----------


## Paula

Could you post a picture of the back of your head so we can see it?

----------


## Suzi

OOO I'd love to see your hair too! 

Well done lovely!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Got some more work done around the house today. Made my soup for Christmas and popped it in the freezer. Did some wrapping and went for a swim. Felt like i was swimming through treacle so only managed 44 lengths. 
Came home and made dinner, have my feet up now resting as we are going to see Cats tonight at the cinema. First night out in a very long time so hope it goes well. Anxiety isn't too bad so hopefully I'll manage ok.

My tinsel strands are in the front of my hair in the fringe. They are quite festive. 
........we all know I never manage to post a photo properly.  :(giggle):

----------


## Mira

I hope you had a lovely evening with your husband. And still 44 lengths. You went and did it. That is awesome by itself.

----------


## Suzi

Post it on facebook and I'll talk you through how to do it tomorrow if you like? 

"Only" 44 lengths? Blimey!

----------


## Paula

How was Cats?

----------


## Suzi

Yes how was it? It's been absolutely slated by every reviewer so far.....

----------


## Mira

I would love to know too.

----------


## OldMike

44 lengths wow I'm a non-swimmer but if you can manage 44 lengths when you're feeling below par, you deserve a medal.

I've seen clips of Cats and it doesn't float my boat, I love cats as pets but grown people dressed up as cats is not for me, if it is like the stage version it may be okay.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Okay so Cats.
For me Cats the musical is all about the music and dance, the storyline is basic.
So if you like the musical,  the movie is fairly close.  The dance routines and songs are quite good. I liked Taylor Swift but thought Jennifer Hudson was a bit over the top.... however that is probably what the director ordered. 
It is what is says on the tin... but without the atmosphere of the theatre.  I prefer the theatre. A hated it!!  :(giggle):  if I hadn't gone I would have thought I was missing out. The movie, I don't think would encourage anyone to go see the stage production. 

I had a bit of a blip today, totally freaked out over the shopping centre being so busy and being on my own. I survived and don't have to go back but its left me a bit blah!

----------


## Suzi

I'll wait for it on DVD then! lol 

Well done for surviving the shopping centre.

----------


## EJ

Dear SM I saw the original stage production. It was something I will never forget. I hope you enjoyed the film.

----------


## Paula

You got through, hun, thats impressive

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're resting lovely.

----------


## Strugglingmum

I fell asleep cuddled into A tonight... out cold. At one point I half woke and he moved me aa he was busting for a widdle.  
I turned over on the sofa and went straight baçk over. I knew the shopping centre had taken a lot out of me but didn't realise to the extent. 
I'm off to bed to sleep some more :(giggle):

----------


## Paula

Cuddling your hubby, hands down the best way to fall asleep  :):

----------


## Suzi

It really is... How are you today lovely?

----------


## Strugglingmum

So I slept for approximately 14hrs all in between the couch and then bed. I must have really needed it. We have been working around the house today. 
Most people do spring cleaning.... I do Christmas cleaning. The kitchen walls were getting washed today and A pulled the cooker out and did in behind it. 2 youngest were tasked with washing the underneath of the table and chairs. 
I know it sounds extreme but I like starting the New Year with everything clean. 
We have taken breaks and rests. I stuck the L plates up and let I drive down to the bottle bank where we had fun smashing  lots of glass....we hadn't been in a while.
This evening we are going to a carol service so I'm looking forward to it.
Tomorrow I see my psychologist and my psychiatry consultant. 2 appointments but all over before Christmas. I'll go for a swim before I come home, probably my last one til after Christmas. Other than that its fun baking and cooking.

----------


## Paula

Fun baking and cooking - not my idea of it but Im glad you had a good day  :):

----------


## Suzi

You are amazing, you know that right?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> You are amazing, you know that right?


No I don't and it doesn't feel that way but I'm trying.

----------


## Mira

You have been busy. It must have felt good getting all that done. I think you are awesome too though.

----------

Strugglingmum (23-12-19)

----------


## Paula

How are you doing?

----------


## Suzi

> No I don't and it doesn't feel that way but I'm trying.


I've never lied to you before, I'm not going to start now. If you don't feel that way can you accept that I feel that you are amazing? 

What's on your agenda today? Pacing I hope?

----------

Strugglingmum (23-12-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Today I had psychology and then an appointment with my psychiatrist. 
He has doubled my vortioxetine to 20mg.  He feels that as my sleep has improved on it then hopefully with an increased dose the rest will follow. 
I then went for a swim and did my 64 lengths. Came home to a late lunch and made some GF shortbread and made some curried parsnip soup and a quiche from scratch. If i can get into it cooking does help relax me. Im feeling ok. Trying to keep busy and avoid thinking about tomorrow night.
Tonight A and I are going to a social night with some people from church. It will be nice to be together and I'm trying to socialise when I can.

----------


## Jaquaia

That sounds positive. Going up to 20mg made a huge difference to me. I hope it works for you too  :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (24-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

That sounds really good lovely. 
Curried parsnip soup sounds delicious! 
Hope you have fun tonight hunni, you deserve it.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Just wishing you all a Peaceful Christmas. 
I'm busy getting ready for tonight. I have talked through a lot of options and scenarios with my psychologist so hopefully I am as ready as I'll ever be. 
Things to remember, 
I'm an adult 
It's my home
I can walk away if I need to
I don't have to be near anyone I don't want to
I have a husband and kids who are on my side and have my back.
I have a lot more tools to use than I used to
I am stronger than I think
I don't have to take anyone's crap!!

----------


## Paula

A-MEN! Youve got this, lovely, and remember you can take time out any time you need.  Youll be in my prayers, sweetheart, and I hope you have a peaceful Christmas xx

----------


## Allalone

Thinking of you today hun.xx

----------


## Suzi

> Just wishing you all a Peaceful Christmas. 
> I'm busy getting ready for tonight. I have talked through a lot of options and scenarios with my psychologist so hopefully I am as ready as I'll ever be. 
> Things to remember, 
> I'm an adult 
> It's my home
> I can walk away if I need to
> I don't have to be near anyone I don't want to
> I have a husband and kids who are on my side and have my back.
> I have a lot more tools to use than I used to
> ...


Just wanted to say AWESOME! You've got this. We're here if you need us. You are so strong.

----------


## Strugglingmum

oh God. half an hour to go.  my anxiety is through the roof.
I just had horrendous scoots and I dont know if it's anxiety or the increase in vortioxetine. 
crap why am I doing this?

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing love?

----------


## Mira

I am thinking of you  :Panda:

----------


## Allalone

Sending love and hugs.xx

----------


## EJ

Happy Christmas SM xx

----------


## Suzi

Hey love, how did it go?

----------


## Paula

Morning, sweetie, how are you doing?

----------


## Strugglingmum

hey all.
Merry Christmas to you all. 
thank you for being my support and cheer team. I couldnt do this without each one of you. 
I'm alive I'm upright and I have got through an awful night. 
I'm choosing to completely ignore it and forget it for now and make the rest of Christmas as good as possible for my family.. ..that included being dressed up like a shamrock this morning to wake my daughter.... long story but she laughed til the tears ran down her face..... to me, that is what I'm choosing to focus on right now. I know I have to eventually compute and deal with last night .... but not now. 
love to you all. x

----------

Suzi (25-12-19)

----------


## Paula

You are truly an inspiration. So proud of you

----------


## EJ

Well done SM xx

----------


## Jaquaia

So proud of you! Hope you've had a lovely day with your family  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

I am so f*cking proud of you! 
Sweetheart focus on the positives, we are here as and when you are ready to talk about what happened.

----------


## Flo

Yes, well done you! Last night was last night! By the sounds of it you've had a good day. God willing tomorrow will be a better day. You have an amazing sense of humour and I would have loved to see her little face this morning. Remember that you are much loved!

----------


## Mira

That must have given your daughter such joy. Doing things like that can make a huge difference. 

Hope you are ok  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

How are you today lovely?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm exhausted today. The last couple of days have taken their toll and my head is hating on me today. I'm staying close to A and doing bits and pieces to distract. I would love a walk but it's very stormy here and mustering up the motivation is not happening. Bed is very attractive right now.

----------


## Paula

You got through, lovely, dont estimate how incredible that makes you. But do what you need to do over the next few days to recover  :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (26-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

You've been fighting so hard love, maybe a nap isn't such a bad idea?

----------

Strugglingmum (26-12-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Can't get over how washed out I feel today. I've given up and come to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be easier.  Night all. Hope your boxing day was lovely. Much love to all of you.

----------


## Mira

Thanks so much. I hope you have a good nights sleep and feel better tomorrow  :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (27-12-19)

----------


## Paula

Maybe tomorrow will be better, maybe youll need a little more time than that. Just listen to your body, love, its been an extraordinarily difficult few days (and the build up alone would have been exhausting)

----------

Strugglingmum (27-12-19)

----------


## Suzi

You are amazing, you are going to be dealing with such a huge anxiety hangover lovely, you have to be really kind to you.

----------

Strugglingmum (27-12-19)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Got up and went for a swim this morning. It was good to be back in  the water and work off a bit of anxiety/agitation. Managed my mile although it was tough to start but once I got going it was ok. Did a few errands while I was out. Came home, ate some leftovers but my get up and go is lacking. I've things to do do hopefully I'll get moving in a while....... maybe another coffee needed!!  :O:

----------


## Paula

Going for a swim and doing errands does not say lack of motivation to me  :O:

----------


## OldMike

I agree with Paula you got out for a walk and did some errands which shows you _are_ motivated and got out and did stuff.

----------


## Suzi

Sounds to me like you've done quite a lot!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Just wishing you all a Peaceful and hopefully healthy New Year.  :Kiss:

----------


## Jaquaia

Same to you lovely!

----------

Strugglingmum (01-01-20)

----------


## Suzi

And to you lovely!

----------

Strugglingmum (01-01-20)

----------


## Mira

I have the same wish and hope for you and your family  :(bear):

----------

Strugglingmum (01-01-20)

----------


## Paula

And to you  :(bear):

----------

Strugglingmum (01-01-20)

----------


## Paula

Hey you, youre quiet. Hows things?

----------


## Suzi

Love? How're doing?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm still just struggling with my thoughts since Christmas Eve. I know you are all right when you said I shouldn't feel guilty or anything but I do. 
I'm gritting my teeth and plodding through, doing plenty of swimming and walking. I've also been a bit bokey with the increase in vortioxetine although it is getting a bit easier.  
I have been checking in on the forum but honestly my brain can't come up with a single thing to say. I'm sorry for being quiet but honestly I feel a bit disconnected from everything around me. I see my CPN tomorrow but I have no psychology til end of January. I haven't been entirely safe over past week but have used the Samaritans to help.

----------


## Mira

No need to apologize for being quiet. 

We all know how well you are trying and doing the best you can. We can relate to the struggle with the thoughts. And knowing you should not feel guilty and not feel guilty are different things. In my book you are always on the page of people I admire and people I think of with warm caring feelings. 

I was so happy to read you asked for help from the Samaritans. That is awesome. And great that you keep going out to swim  :(bear):

----------

Paula (02-01-20),Strugglingmum (02-01-20),Suzi (02-01-20)

----------


## Paula

Sweetie, if you cant say anything else, its ok just to say hi. Thank you for talking to the Samaritans

----------

Strugglingmum (02-01-20)

----------


## Suzi

I'm so proud of you for calling the Samaritans. Did they help lovely? As has been said, you don't have to say anything specific - just say hi....

----------

Strugglingmum (02-01-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> I'm so proud of you for calling the Samaritans. Did they help lovely? As has been said, you don't have to say anything specific - just say hi....


I've always had a good experience with Samaritans.

----------


## Suzi

Good, I'm glad.

----------


## Strugglingmum

My CPN cancelled her visit today so I'm feeling a bit lost. Does that make me very needy? Am I  too attached?  Is that a sign of my personality disorder?  Have I just never been aware of being so needy with people?  Have I always been like this but just not realised it? I always thought I was very independent but maybe I've just been fooling myself.

----------


## Suzi

No! You aren't too needy at all! You're overthinking it love. If someone cancels on me I feel a bit lost too! It's totally "normal" if you ask me!

----------


## Mira

I agree. That sounds like a normal reaction to me. And from how you explained it nothing sounds like being needy. I would have the same reaction.

----------


## magie06

It's very difficult not to read too much into a cancellation like this. Try not to worry, have they made a different appointment for you?

----------


## Paula

I agree its not needy - these appointments are important and Im not surprised youve found it tough

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thanks all. I guess I was just hoping to be able to talk through with her what's going on in my head and finally get it all out and I'm just a bit down that it didn't happen. We have rescheduled for Wednesday.

----------


## Paula

Would it help to talk to us?

----------

Strugglingmum (04-01-20)

----------


## Suzi

Always here to listen....

----------

Strugglingmum (04-01-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Always here to listen....


I know. It's just too hard to start.

----------


## Angie

Sweetheart there is no rush and no pressure, just know that we are here and ready to listen when you are ready.

----------

Strugglingmum (04-01-20)

----------


## Suzi

Sometimes it helps just to write out bullet points or just as it comes into your head - it doesn't have to be in sentences or make any sense as it comes out... but there is never any pressure....

----------


## Paula

Would it help just to put one thing down, it can be as small as you can cope with itms?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Felt unwell when I got up this morning but thought if I got up and going I'd be ok. Went to the centre but came home before I was even there an hour. Felt like I had been run over by a truck. Came home and got into bed and slept. Got up just a wee while ago. Feeling a bit better but washed out. I have just eaten a sandwich and a yoghurt so maybe a bit of food will help. I haven't been sleeping great past couple of nights so maybe just hit the fatigue wall very hard. I know my appetite hasn't been very good but when I weighed myself today I have lost an awful lot of weight. I've lost all I had put on with the Mirtazipine and more. Everyone is starting to moan about my weight loss so I am going to try eat a bit better. 
I see my CPN tomorrow which I am relieved about. Hopefully she doesn't complain about my weight too.

----------


## Suzi

Is it "just" appetite loss that's causing you not to eat?

----------


## Paula

I doubt its moaning, love, just that they love you and worry about you  :(bear): . If you could talk to the CPN about it tomorrow, that might be a good idea

----------


## Strugglingmum

When my mood is low I do struggle with my appetite and actually don't want to eat. Eating is self care which I'm not great at when low. I actually start a competition with myself to see how longbi can go without food and fighting hunger pangs til they go away.

----------


## Paula

I think thats something you really need to make sure your CPN knows, if you can do that  :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (07-01-20)

----------


## Suzi

Have you spoken to anyone about this before? What about A?

----------


## Strugglingmum

You know what, its not all the time, only when im really low but I was shocked this morning to find I'd dropped below 60kg again.

----------


## Suzi

You need to talk to someone love....

----------

Strugglingmum (07-01-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Have you spoken to anyone about this before? What about A?


When i first took ill i went down to 56kg at one point. My GP and CPN worked really hard with me to get me up to about 61kg which they considered a healthy enough level.... I was eating better. I went right up to  just over 65kg on the Mirtazipine just a few months ago.  My head is telling me its ok I'm not down as low as I was although there is part of me in the background urging me down again.

----------


## Suzi

Hunni, you have to talk to your CPN/medical team about this and the way that you are still feeling. You have to remember that you've been doing a huge amount of swimming as well and if you've not been eating you could be doing so much harm. Not eating does come under the umbrella of self harm lovely.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Met with my CPN today. I'm not really sure how I feel. I guess I'm at the stage where they know I know everything they are going to say, they've said it before. 
I feel like a failure because I know what to do, what to think, but I can't seem to do it. 
I'm just really fed-up with myself. 
I did get up, go to the centre, and I have swam today.

----------


## Paula

You are not a failure, lovely, youre ill. There is a huge difference! Unfortunately, the illness itself is extremely good at telling us were a failure - that is so far from the truth  :(bear): . Also, you havent stayed at home, which would have been easy to do, youve got up, went out, did some exercise. Thats impressive

Did you talk to the CPN about your eating?

----------


## Suzi

You are far from a failure! Sweetheart you need to be kinder to you! Have you talked to A about how you are feeling? 
Have you eaten properly today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I did better today. 
half a banana for brekkie.
a yoghurt at lunch, went for my swim. an apple and sandwich after. 
ate a bit of beef and a potato tonight so much better.

----------



----------


## Angie

I'm glad that your doing better today sweetie.

----------


## Paula

Well done, lovely

----------


## Suzi

Well done lovely! How are you feeling today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Small bowl of porridge with some blueberries today. Heading for a swim this afternoon. 
Have done some crochet this morning along with laundry. Have made a Bolognese for the family for dinner tonight so been distracting ok.

----------


## Paula

Proud of you! Step by step....

----------


## Suzi

I am so proud of you. How are you feeling love?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm ok. I even ate a bit of bolognese.  The good thing about swimming is it gives me a better appetite.  Gonna crochet this evening to finish an order. I'm doing the midnight run to pick my son up from work. I've lit the fire and I'm taking it easy for now.

----------


## Paula

Im so glad youre eating. What are you crocheting?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> I’m so glad you’re eating. What are you crocheting?


It's one of my converse boottees and knotted beanie sets with a pair of scratch mitts too. It's an order for a baby shower.

----------

Paula (09-01-20)

----------


## Suzi

Are you ok to be doing the midnight runs if you're struggling atm?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I would rather do them than keep A out of bed to do them. He has to get up after 6am for work. I can lie in tomorrow and just sleep til I waken. The fact that I'm needed keeps me safe. I'll not leave my son stranded at midnight

----------


## Suzi

OK that's fair enough x

----------


## Paula

Morning, hunni, how are you?

----------


## Suzi

Morning lovely, how are you?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I slept til 10:30 this morning. I've been doing things around the house and some wee jobs. I have finished my first order of the decade. 
I am definitely making the effort to eat more but keeping it healthy.

----------

OldMike (10-01-20)

----------


## magie06

Well done. You are amazing, do you know that?

----------


## Suzi

Well done lovely! You're amazing.

----------


## OldMike

Well done SMum, first order of the year (I'm guessing crochet) as all crocheters say give me a hook and some wool and I can do anything  :):

----------


## Paula

Im so proud of you  :):

----------


## Strugglingmum

Slept fitfully last night. Miserable weather here today, hubby got caught in a torrential downpour on the golf course so his game ended early. Have cleaned up a bit and done the ironing. Heading up to the town soon to drop my son to work and do the shopping. I can't get heat into me today!! Got the fire lit now so hopefully it will be warm for coming home from the shops. Late run tonight as son working til midnight.

----------


## EJ

That’s hard when you are not feeling well to stay up to the early hours. Is there someone else who could give your son a lift home. 
You sound very well organised. I’m batch cooking too. I hope you get warm soon.

----------


## Suzi

Proper fire sounds wonderful! Hope you get warm and are able to rest today lovely.

----------


## Paula

How are you doing? You sound more hopeful but Im wondering if you are?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> How are you doing? You sound more hopeful but I’m wondering if you are?


You are very perceptive

----------


## Paula

Do you want to talk about it?

----------


## Suzi

What's really going on love?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Nothing new to say. I get up and do each day because i have to. I get up and battle the fact that i dont want to be here but have to be because they need me and i dont want to hurt them again. i get up, get dressed, do whatever it takes to get through the day but it doesn't change the fact that i dont want to do any of it. I would rather not wake up in the morning.I do life each day because A and my kids deserve better. They make me have to choose to live, to make plans, to give them hope and a future. I would rather not. 
I take my meds, go out, exercise, meet people, volunteer, learn new things, do my hobbies, be mum, be wife........ to be honest it is all completely empty. It's for them. I don't want them to see I've given up. I don't want them to think I haven't tried everything. They deserve me to try. So I try.

----------


## Jaquaia

Sometimes trying is all we can do

----------


## Suzi

That post is so sad.... Are you talking to your care team or A about how you are really feeling? I get the feeling you aren't.....

----------


## Mira

:Panda:  :Panda:

----------


## Strugglingmum

> That post is so sad.... Are you talking to your care team or A about how you are really feeling? I get the feeling you aren't.....


Yeah my team know. I'm always honest with them.

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you're always honest with them - what about A? How much of all this does he actually know because you've told him?

----------


## Paula

I wish youd talk to A. How much have you talked to him about the diagnosis?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I think the increase in vortioxetine is starting to have an effect. I feel a slight lift in my mood.

----------


## Suzi

YAY!!!

Have you talked to A about how you are feeling etc?

----------


## Paula

:(party):

----------


## Angie

Thats brilliant sweetie x

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm tired today and a bit wading through treacle but my mood is still a bit lighter than it was last week. I know its still a roller coaster and its really early days  but its the first light I've seen in a long long time. I've eaten a good breakfast and plan to swim later. Really trying to up my water intake. I'm great with coffee but not so great remembering water. i got a hug off my daughter last night. Ie she walked up to me with her arms out and hugged me. First time in a few years. Its been such baby steps rebuilding her Faith and trust in me. It's been so hard and exhausting hiding how I truly feel a lot of the time but that hug made it all worth it. I exist for them.

----------


## Jaquaia

That sounds really positive

----------


## Paula

Thats wonderful news! Brought tears to my eyes  :):

----------


## OldMike

That's marvelous, I'm glad things are on the up  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

That's so fantastic! I'm so pleased for you!

----------


## Strugglingmum

My daughter hugged me again today.

----------

Paula (17-01-20)

----------


## Suzi

That's awesome!

----------


## Angie

Aww brilliant xx

----------


## Suzi

How are you today lovely?

----------


## Flo

Hope everything gets a bit better each day. There's nothing quite like a hug from our children, it's better than having all the money in the world. :Panda:

----------


## Paula

Morning, gorgeous

----------


## Strugglingmum

A wee bit tougher today but no 2 days in life are the same. I'm still convinced that my mood is lifting a bit with the increase in meds. That's 3 weeks now of the increase so it's still early days. At home today so just plodding through. I finished crochet a top for myself last night so just need to sew it together. We are going to a gospel concert in a local church tonight. Im a bit anxious about it but once I'm there I'm sure I'll enjoy it. 

I'm eating a bit better although I'm down 2lbs this week. However I do swim a lot so that probably explains it. A has stopped complaining about me not eating enough so I must be doing ok. 

I spoke to one of the employment officers at the training centre I go to. She is organising a work experience placement for me 1 morning a week for 3 months in the civil service. It's a scheme they have and its a ) to let me see if I could work in admin and b) to give me experience to put on a CV if I was to apply for a job in admin. 
I've never worked in an office so I don't know if it would work for me but this way I get to try it out. I just need to wait for a placement to become available.  I think I'm feeling  positive about it all ( it was me who asked for it). I'm feeling the need to try and move life on a bit but this gives me the opportunity to do it in baby steps and a protected way.

----------


## Paula

That sounds awesome  :):  well done for finding out about that scheme

----------

Strugglingmum (17-01-20)

----------


## Suzi

That does sound good! So many positives!  :):

----------


## Paula

Hi, lovely, hows things?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Still riding a roller coaster but I'm ok. Gritting my teeth.

----------


## Suzi

That doesn't sound totally positive love....

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Strugglingmum

> That doesn't sound totally positive love....


I'm  Sorry. Its not totally there yet but I do feel that I'm seeing glimpses of light, but its slow. Like anyone, some days are harder than others. some days I'm hopeful that the meds are working and other days it feels like nothing is ever going to work and I'm just kidding myself.  
Tuesday, Wednesday were not good at all. Today isn't great but I went for a walk on the beach with the dog. I'm a bit narky and everyone is irritating me. I've no patience and I'm really agitated and anxious. I just want to be left alone and noone speak to me or expect anything from me. I feel completely messed up in my head and too tired to figure it all out. Yet I know my sleep has improved, my appetite has improved and I'm not being too over controlling about what I eat.  Still really up and down

----------


## EJ

I used to feel that when I first started lithium. I couldn’t feel it working which it was. This was because it isn’t sedating.

----------


## Jaquaia

It took me around 6 months to notice just how much it had helped. You're doing great  :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (23-01-20)

----------


## Paula

I think most of us have been there, lovely. And I always found it hard when my mood lifted a bit but I still hadnt the energy or motivation to do the things I knew were good for me. You are fighting, and you are getting there

----------

Strugglingmum (23-01-20)

----------


## Suzi

I can't agree with the others enough. You are doing brilliantly lovely...

----------

Strugglingmum (23-01-20)

----------


## magie06

Hey hunny. Just sending a few hugs your way.  :Panda:  :Panda:

----------

Strugglingmum (24-01-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

so last night I celebrated my birthday with my lovely family. I smiled and I laughed and I actually thought.... yip I want more of this. 
The anxiety and self doubt etc that it took me to get to that point however nearly ruined the night. I couldn't decide what to wear and I don't mean the usual female, I have nothing to wear, I mean actual unable to make a choice.... we went to our local, it really didn't matter but I felt if I made the wrong choice the whole night would be ruined. I ended up sobbing hysterically until my daughter picked something out of my wardrobe and told me to put it on.  My head was telling me I was fat and ugly and my hair wasn't right etc etc etc. However after a glass of wine I loosened up a bit and my lovely family made me laugh and enjoy the meal and spending time with them. 
Today of course I'm berating myself for eating so much and feeling a failure for giving in to temptation and being greedy. Today I'm not wanting to eat etc. Still riding that roller coaster!!

----------


## Suzi

Right, well I've seen your pics on FB and you looked stunning! You're really pretty and your hair is so awesome! Your family pics radiated laughter and love. 

We all feel like that at times love, and I'm so glad your daughter helped you. Maybe you two could go out together and get her to help you to pick something to wear so you break it off before it gets to an anxiety issue?

----------


## Paula

You and your daughter having a really girly moment is just wonderful. Regardless of what it took to get you there, that must have felt like a lovely moment?

----------


## Mira

To be honoust now I am curious what you look like  :):  But I do not have facebook. I do believe Suzi and what she said about how you look. Because I feel I am the same way you are with that. It is such a shame having those doubts and thoughts holding us back. From what I know about you from this place I can see you are a beautiful woman.

How are you doing now?

----------

Strugglingmum (29-01-20),Suzi (29-01-20)

----------


## Paula

What a lovely post, Mira.

Morning, gorgeous lady. How are you?

----------


## Suzi

I agree with Paula, Mira that's a beautiful post. So lovely and so true.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thank you so much Mira. You are always so kind to me. 
I'm not great on the whole photo thing but when I get a chance to fire up the laptop I'll try sharing a photo. I never manage it on my phone!!!

----------

Paula (29-01-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

The last couple of weeks have been strange. At times I have felt that things may be improving slightly , yet others I have been in the depths of darkness. 
Through it all I have to say, regular swimming is helping me keep my head together.

----------


## Paula

Are the improving days becoming more frequent?

And I agree, I find swimming soothes my soul

----------


## Suzi

I agree, are things getting brighter over the week? Could you try a mood diary to try to keep a note?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I've kept a mood diary before, my problem is I can never decide how my mood is. I'm a bit of a disaster. Onesie day today after a poor night. I find I don't maybe have bright days but stand out moments. I think that's an improvement.

----------


## Paula

Would it be easier to just write down a score out of 10? No explanations, just a number?

----------


## Suzi

Or a smiley face? Divide it into things like morning, lunch, afternoon, evening, night?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Or a smiley face? Divide it into things like morning, lunch, afternoon, evening, night?


Yes I think I need to break each day down into segments as things change a lot during the day.

----------


## Suzi

I know that's how it makes sense for me...

----------


## Strugglingmum

There's a programme on BBC 1 at 9pm about PTSD.  I'm recording it. A friend is watching it first to see if it might be triggering before I watch it.

----------


## Suzi

I'm watching it later too....

----------


## Paula

Thats sensible getting your friend to watch it

----------


## Strugglingmum

Heading away tomorrow for the weekend. Leading a youth weekend.  My daughter turns 18 tomorrow so she is going with me as a leader. Should be fun.

----------


## Paula

Hope you enjoy it  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (21-02-20)

----------


## Suzi

Hope you have fun lovely! Happy 18th to your daughter too!

----------

Strugglingmum (21-02-20)

----------


## OldMike

Enjoy your weekend away SMum, Happy Birthday SMum's daughter, seeing you posted it was tomorrow yesterday that makes it today  :8):

----------

Strugglingmum (21-02-20)

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're all having a good weekend and that I is having a wonderful day!

----------

Strugglingmum (21-02-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I've realised that I'm actually not that well at the moment.  Will phone my CPN on Monday to talk things through. I think I need a bit more help at the moment.

----------


## Suzi

Want to talk about how you are feeling and what's in your head? Can you/have you talked it through with A?

----------


## Strugglingmum

yeah A knows. I promised him I would seek help. 
I have very negative thoughts. I've been googling suicide techniques. I've been dreaming of actually carrying out some ways. It all seems very logical and what I must do. When I wake up I can think of nothing but carrying out what I dreamed.

----------


## EJ

Dear SM if you are in danger of hurting yourself then you need to get help ASAP. If that means OH taking you to A and E then that must happen quickly. In the UK we also have 111  if I don’t know what the equivalent is in Ireland. Either way I think that you need help x

----------

Suzi (29-02-20)

----------


## Paula

Im with EJ, hunni you need to talk to someone sooner than Monday. Can you call crisis line? Samaritans?

Is A with you, are you safe?

----------

Suzi (29-02-20)

----------


## Suzi

I completely agree with the others. You need help and you need it now. 

Sweetheart how long have you been feeling like this?
Please stay away from google, it is not your friend.

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm ok. I'm safe. please don't worry.  They all took me out tonight to spend time as a family to remind me I'm part of them. We had a meal together and stopped at the pub on the way home to buy my daughter her first legal drink. I'm with them all ...... and the dog.

----------

Allalone (01-03-20),Paula (29-02-20),Suzi (01-03-20)

----------


## Paula

Big hugs, lovely lady

----------


## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

How are you lovely?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm ok thanks

----------


## Paula

Not sure I believe you.....

----------


## Suzi

Really ok, or pretending and hoping to be ok?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Contacting CPN in the morning.

----------


## Paula

Good.  Are you still talking to A?

----------


## Suzi

How are you this morning lovely?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Been a long day getting help. Psychology and CPN first thing in the morning again. 
A keeping an eye on me this evening.... that was the deal on me coming home today.

----------


## Allalone

Well done hun. Keep fighting.xx

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing today love? Honestly?

----------


## Paula

Are you able to rest today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I was at the hospital for 9 am. Psychology appt. CPN at 10 ish. Anyway by the time I came out after 11 I was signed back up with Home Treatment Team. I went to the centre for a couple of hours but I physically feel awful so I came home and slept this afternoon. I got up for a couple of hours but came back to bed at 8:30. Not sleeping but lying resting my body. Anyway htt at 11 tomorrow

----------


## Paula

Sounds to me you were honest today, and Im proud of you. Will be thinking of you tomorrow morning  :(bear):

----------

Strugglingmum (04-03-20)

----------


## Suzi

I am so proud of you for asking for extra support and for being open and honest with them so that they can put things in place to help. What does A say about it?

----------


## Allalone

It’s so good you’re getting the support. Thinking about you.xx

----------


## Strugglingmum

not a great day. finally retreated to bed. feeling really sick and nauseated

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Allalone

Take care. Sending hugs.  :(bear):  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Hey gorgeous, sorry yesterday wasn't a good day. 
How are you today lovely? Are the HTT coming out to you today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm going to them for 11. Taking daughter to Tech and going for a swim first.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing love?

----------


## Strugglingmum

So tonight my daughters boyfriend is coming for dinner for the first time since they went 'official'. They have been together for almost a year but because of their age gap, we were all very quiet about it until she turned 18. Can't believe they are talking about marriage in 2 years time. However, it is definitely something to try and look forward to and want to be around for. Wedding talk is hilarious as they are both quite different from traditional.

----------


## Suzi

What's the age gap?  I hope the dinner goes really well! What do you all think of him? Is he good enough for our erm, I mean your Princess? Do I need to give him the "what are your intentions?" talk? I'm quite happy to do so.....  :O:

----------


## Strugglingmum

:(rofl): 
So there is nearly 10 yrs between them  but we have known him all our lives and they have been friends for years. They have both said it was a bit of a shock to them when they realised that their feelings had changed to more. He is a good guy, would do anything for her, obviously adores her. He can also be a bit opinionated and there is nothing makes me smile to myself more than listening to her tell him he is being an idiot and to wind his neck in. ( or words to that effect) They both have a really strong Faith and compliment and encourage each other very well. They enjoy doing the same hobbies, interests etc. A and I don't have any issues with them........ my eldest son however is struggling to accept it but you know, its his wee sister and he has been threatening her with a convent since she turned 13. I've told him he needs to get with the programme and learn to live with it.  :(giggle):

----------


## Paula

Aww thats so lovely  :):

----------


## Suzi

Aww that's so wonderful! How was dinner? 

How are you today love?

----------


## Jaquaia

Awww that's brilliant!!!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Dinner went well and we played trivial pursuit on the switch after dinner for a while.
I am exhausted today. I was lying in bed awake for hours but I've only just got up and had breakfast. I'm planning a swim at some point this afternoon. I'm going to take the dog for a walk I think this morning. Another day of distracting. No appointments today so just keeping my head down and getting on with it.

----------


## Suzi

I'm not surprised you're exhausted, you're fighting so hard and that's exhausting.. Be kind to you today. 

Can I ask, do you have a stash of meds building again?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Seen Dr today. New meds regime prescribed. Bank holiday here tomorrow so will be Wednesday before I get them and get started on them. Relieved to feel listened to.

----------


## Suzi

So glad you've been listened to. What are you swapping to?

----------


## Paula

Well done, love

----------


## Strugglingmum

Stop quetiapine, start respiridone.
Night sedation for a short time
Diazepam 3 times a day
Stay on vortioxetine for now.

----------


## Suzi

How are you today lovely? Have you talked it all through with A?

----------


## Strugglingmum

yup he's fully up to date.

Heading up the road to the town this afternoon to drop my son to work and to swim I imagine this will be my last swim for a while. Feeling anxious as to how else I'm going to be able to clear my head over next few weeks.

----------


## Paula

Yeah, I understand that - its going to be a tough time ....

----------


## Suzi

It's not going to be easy, but maybe we can all help to come up with some ideas? Fern has a boxing bag... I might give that a go  :O:

----------


## Paula

Hows things?

----------


## Suzi

You're not posting, are you OK?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Started new meds last night so slept a bit better. My mood is low and like everyone I'm anxious but not of catching covid-19 but the restrictions that are happening.  All the things you build into your life to help you cope are being demolished. I am not arguing against the restrictions but acknowledging that I'm struggling with all that it means.

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you're acknowledging those feelings. What things can you build in differently? Instead of swimming can you walk somewhere? Maybe take up running? Doing exercises following a youtube tutorial etc?

----------


## Paula

Im missing my swimming but am trying to walk every day and doing yoga exercises. Its not the same but at least I feel Im doing something....

----------


## Strugglingmum

I know there's a lot worse going on in the world but no cards at all. I bought myself a wee bunch of tulips but that's my Mothers Day total. C gave me a hug and said Happy Mothers Day, Ion said Happy Mothers Day,  I love you, but no hug, the eldest has not even realised its Mother's Day. I've ordered a takeaway for tea, I haven't the heart to cook. 
I know this one is really silly but with isolation our church bought a load of little pots of pansys and delivered one to the doorstep of every woman in the church with a little flag in them from the church. We live so farcawayvI didn't get one. Everyone was on Facebook saying thank you for their plant and I couldn't join in . I'm so selfish but sad.

----------


## Paula

Thats not selfish - you deserve to be spoilt. Im sorry, hunni

----------


## Jaquaia

Definitely not selfish   :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

Not selfish, I didn't get anything either, and I had to cook.... I've had "oh I'm sorry I didn't realise" or "as I forgot I'll make you a cake" - guess what? No cake... 

You aren't selfish, it hurts and somewhat with things as they are it felt even more important today.....  :Panda:  :(bear):

----------


## Allalone

It’s not selfish.

I’ve been fortunate this year but had years exactly like yours. You deserve to be spoilt, you too Suzi. I can’t do much apart from sending love and hugs.  :Panda:  :(bear):

----------

Suzi (23-03-20)

----------


## Paula

Hugs, both of you

----------

Suzi (23-03-20)

----------


## Suzi

How are you SM? How are you doing?

----------


## Paula

Hey, lovely, how are you doing?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hey all. We are all at home for the time being. A has taken a weeks holiday as has my eldest. C is off work as KFC have closed. Ion has been doing college work from home and the building site is closed. We go to the local shop if necessary and I try to get out once a day to walk/run. 
We are trying to follow all govt directions. 
I'm still here.

----------



----------


## Suzi

Well done love. Am really glad you're following the guidelines. How are you all getting on together?

----------


## Strugglingmum

So far we are all still breathing, although today I was going to stab one for whistling and another for drumming on the table  :(rofl):

----------


## Paula

I know the feeling, Im having to take myself into another room before I say something Ill regret!

----------

Strugglingmum (27-03-20)

----------


## Suzi

Oh no!  :):  
Can you send them all on "special projects?" Create ideas for each of them to go and research, plan, design and execute? At least it keeps them away from you and busy!  :):

----------


## Jaquaia

It's easier for me as I can kick J out to the workshop and he's happy!!!  :(giggle):

----------


## Strugglingmum

> I know the feeling, Im having to take myself into another room before I say something Ill regret!


I spent a lot of yesterday in my room reading but you know what? I enjoyed it. I haven't been able to read in a long long time. Tidying the other day I found a series of lightweight romance so thought I'd try again..... I'm on book 5!!! Ok its not War and Peace but by the time I finish the page I still have a good idea of what happened on the first line so that's a huge improvement.  
Today at 1pm we are doing our knit and matter via Zoom so it will be lovely to see everyone and just chat..... I think (hope) covid -19 will be a banned topic!! 
I've my run/walk done today. I ran 4.6k and then walked 3.5k home again..... if I only go out to exercise once a day I'm making it worth my while.... not that I ever meet anyone. 
Home, showered and going to see wgats on the list to bake today :(giggle):

----------


## Paula

Wow! That was such a great post!

----------


## Suzi

That really IS an AWESOME post! You sound so much more settled and sound happy!

----------


## OldMike

Brilliant post, I'm glad you're enjoying reading again *cough*  "The Screen Legends Quiz* still time to enter" *cough* did someone say something  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Mike! I want to win this one erm... I mean, I am going to win this one, there's no point in anyone else entering!

----------


## Paula

Pah! Not a chance!

----------


## Stella180

If your quizzing is anything like your banter, I’ve got this in the bag  :O:

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Brilliant post, I'm glad you're enjoying reading again *cough*  "The Screen Legends Quiz* still time to enter" *cough* did someone say something


On it now Mike. Keep the door open for me. X

----------


## Strugglingmum

Telephone contact with home treatment team today. They plan to discharge me on Wednesday..... I can't wait. It's just not working out, especially as its all phone contact. Most of the treatment they had been doing was OT which just isn't working for me over the phone. I think they plan to review my meds Monday/Tuesday and then hand me back to my CPN Wednesday.

----------


## Stella180

Not all treatments are suitable for all people and being in lockdown doesn't make things easier.

----------


## Paula

How much contact will you have with your CPN?

----------


## Suzi

Are you still having suicidal thoughts?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Are you still having suicidal thoughts?


I am. A is going to take more leave from work to be home with me for longer. 
The team only phone me twice a week now anyway as there is nothing they can do treatment wise. I actually think my CPN will be better as she listens to me and hears what I say. Most of the HTT don't make me feel listened to.They tell you to phone in if you're struggling but then it doesn't feel like they want to hear.... maybe it's just me being frustrated. I'm sure other patients find them wonderful. X

----------


## Suzi

I'm so glad you're talking to A though this. Are you being totally honest with him about how you are feeling? Have you told him about your diagnosis yet? 

I think that the current circumstances make everything more difficult, but if this isn't working for you then maybe you're right and talking to your CPN will be a good thing...

----------


## Stella180

I know what you mean. I’ve contacted the crisis team a couple of times their “solutions” are laughable. Have been told to take a cold shower, flick elastic bands, and take my meds and sleep it off. Don’t know what I expect but it never feels like enough.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Psychology by phone this morning.... well that was different! Was actually good to her. Appointment for next week again. x

----------

Stella180 (01-04-20)

----------


## Suzi

How are you feeling overall? Did you find somewhere quiet to have your appointment? How are things going with A?

----------


## Paula

Different good than?

----------


## Strugglingmum

like all important phone calls it was taken in the car. it's my go to for privacy and quietness.  
I spoke to my CPN today so I am back under her care which I'm happy about. We had a good chat and will talk to her again on Friday. A and I are good.  I baked today and he drove me to a friend's home to drop off some banana bread and scones for her and her hubby. They are both self isolating so just wanted to take them something and had a quick chat through the window....at a distance. It was lovely to see their smiles and hear their voices.

----------


## Stella180

Ahhh that’s really sweet of you to thing of others in that way. Fair play to you, I’m sure your kindness has made their day

----------

Strugglingmum (01-04-20)

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you got some privacy for your appointment and that she's talking to you again on Friday. 
I'm sure those friends were really, really grateful!

----------

Strugglingmum (01-04-20)

----------


## Paula

You really are a lovely person  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (01-04-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

A bit of a blah day. Need to dig up a bit of get up and go. Have had my walk and done a bit of yoga but otherwise a bit of a wasted day.  :(:

----------


## Suzi

A day with resting and pacing isn't a wasted day, it's a recharging day....  :O:

----------

Strugglingmum (02-04-20)

----------


## OldMike

What Suzi says recharging days are to be cherished in this hectic world.

----------

Strugglingmum (02-04-20)

----------


## Paula

> A day with resting and pacing isn't a wasted day, it's a recharging day....


Couldnt agree more  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (02-04-20)

----------


## Suzi

Morning lovely, how are you today?

----------

Strugglingmum (03-04-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hey all. Didn't sleep as well last night but I knew yesterday was a tough day so probably due to that. 
Got up and went for a run to try and blow the cobwebs away but still feeling as if it's another tough day. 
have eaten, showered, have the Bolognese made for later. Think I'm going to take it easy this afternoon, although I do need to go collect tablets from the chemist.

----------


## Paula

You seem to be not beating yourself up so much atm, is that fair to say?

----------


## Suzi

That sounds like a good plan love...

----------


## Strugglingmum

Telephone appointment with my CPN today. All continuing as before. Went out and collected my prescriptions and got some bread and milk in. A got a phone call from work. He is being furloughed for 8 weeks. 
Keeping the crochet hook moving. Still feeling a bit agitated and out of sorts... but as my CPN reminded me, this is why you have some PRN diazepam to take when nothing else works. I always forget about having a meds option before I hit SH.
 Anyway Went out for a walk and got totally soaked in a hail shower. Typical. A onesie evening.

----------


## Paula

Is A on the 80%?

----------


## Suzi

OOO I'd love to go for a walk and get caught in the rain! 

I'm glad you have the meds if you need it lovely...

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Is A on the 80%?


As far as I know that's the plan

----------


## Stella180

I hope so. With the other support in place regarding rent and mortgages it should be enough to keep the afloat

----------


## Strugglingmum

psychology appointment by phone this morning. Still a bit strange but went well.
Have a knit and natter group by zoom today. looking forward to seeing other people tbh.
I used to play music with my daughter but haven't really at all since I took ill. Over the weekend we had a session. She played guitar, I was on the ukulele. I had lost all my confidence in my ability to play but by the end I was enjoying it and starting to remember things we used to play. She is determined to make me do it again soon. 
I have been crocheting little frontline bears for my nurse friends and posting them out. I have felt very useless recently that I can't work and be back nursing again and helping out where there is need. It has been getting me down even though I know deep down I can't do it. So this is my way to help. A bear, packet of love hearts and a card in a parcel through the post. Hopefully it will make someone smile and help them put their scrubs back on for another shift. Also, if I'm in the middle of a bear for someone, I can't let the suicidal thoughts win...... that would let them down. Just another strategy to get thru the worst times.

----------

Stella180 (06-04-20)

----------


## magie06

What a lovely idea. I love the idea of the bears, the love hearts and the home made card. Well done. 
I've started knitting little nurses. I'll send them to my nieces who are working in the NHS and can't come home atm.

----------

Stella180 (06-04-20)

----------


## Paula

What a beautiful post!

----------


## Suzi

So many positives in that post! Well done love! I know nurse friends of mine would really appreciate something like that. Awesome idea.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Phone call with my CPN today. Did a bit out in the garden but also helped my daughter get the sewing machine up and running..... she is making teddy bears!! Did a bit of crochet , went walking, cooked and basically have bounced from 1 activity to the next and back again. A cut the grass and did some strimming. 
Oh and I stretched a canvass print of a huge stag onto its frame ready for hanging. Lots of little things but its got the day in.
My sleep is a wee bit off again so just keeping note of it.

----------


## Paula

How was your chat with the CPN?

----------


## Suzi

Sorry, I don't know how I posted yesterday's reminders on your thread! I've moved all the posts to the right thread - Sorry!

Sounds like you've done loads of things! How's your mood doing lovely?

----------


## Strugglingmum

cpn chat was good. She listens and is very encouraging.  my mood is still low and my thoughts are still racing. I think that is why I'm bouncing from 1 thing to another. distract distract distract. I am trying to engage in projects to support others at this time as it helps me fee useful. tonight I was crocheting bands to put buttons on for hooking mask elastics on to protect users ears.  I've about 15 crochet and will sew the buttons on tomorrow/today. 
I've been really cross with myself for always being hungry and nibbling but realised today that it could be the increase in my risperidone.  I forgot that it can increase your appetite.  I'll keep an eye on it anyway. I have been carb craving since last week when it was increased. hindsight is a wonderful thing.

----------


## Paula

I hope that means youre not cross with yourself any more?  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

It sounds like you're trying to be kinder to yourself. That's awesome!

----------


## Strugglingmum

> I hope that means you’re not cross with yourself any more?


eeerrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmm. I could lie........ actually today I have been able to control my appetite better, although I didn't walk today to burn any off. I did my beginner yoga again. I am enjoying it, it really does help me slow down my brain a bit even just for a while

----------

OldMike (11-04-20),Paula (09-04-20)

----------


## Suzi

Glad you're finding yoga helpful!

----------


## Strugglingmum

so today I've been reminded why I started swimming for exercise (well one of the reasons) my hip is killing me from walking and running so much. only managed 3.5k today. However I did do my beginners yoga to help stretch out my muscles. I'm amazed at how 'in the moment ' I am able to be with yoga. I'm glad that I tried it..... Thank you lockdown for that. 

A and I have decided on a project for us. We are going to buy a van and convert it to a small campervan . We have wanted a campervan for years but can't afford to buy one. Years ago A worked in van conversions so we are going to be brave and take one on as a project. We are looking for a decently priced van. A and my daughter will do the framework, insulation etc and I will be in charge of curtains, bedfoam and covers etc. A is getting expert in finding ways to distract me and keep me busy and focussed on good things. I truly am blessed with him. I don't want to let him down.

----------

OldMike (11-04-20)

----------


## Stella180

The van sounds like a great project and best part of doing it yourself is you can build to your own specifications. Sounds really exciting.

----------


## Paula

Wow! What a fab project! Im slightly envious  :O: 
Im glad yoga is helping, Im still new to it but agree, it keeps me grounded

----------

Strugglingmum (11-04-20)

----------


## Suzi

> so today I've been reminded why I started swimming for exercise (well one of the reasons) my hip is killing me from walking and running so much. only managed 3.5k today. However I did do my beginners yoga to help stretch out my muscles. I'm amazed at how 'in the moment ' I am able to be with yoga. I'm glad that I tried it..... Thank you lockdown for that.


I'm glad you are enjoying it. Sorry you're in pain with your hip though lovely... 




> A and I have decided on a project for us. We are going to buy a van and convert it to a small campervan . We have wanted a campervan for years but can't afford to buy one. Years ago A worked in van conversions so we are going to be brave and take one on as a project. We are looking for a decently priced van. A and my daughter will do the framework, insulation etc and I will be in charge of curtains, bedfoam and covers etc.


That's an AWESOME project! That sounds so much fun! Something to keep everyone involved too!




> A is getting expert in finding ways to distract me and keep me busy and focussed on good things. I truly am blessed with him. I don't want to let him down.


I'm glad you're able to keep busy, are you talking to him about how you are feeling? But hunni, I don't think you could ever let him down.....

----------

Strugglingmum (11-04-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

https://www.facebook.com/story.php?s...11763915512018

How our church did church this morning.

----------


## Suzi

Your pastor is certainly colourful!  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (12-04-20)

----------


## EJ

Can’t do the link. We had a virtual service and virtual choir singing ‘Thine be the Glory’

----------

Strugglingmum (12-04-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I think Suzi fixed it. EJ

----------


## Suzi

Try now EJ.... Sorry! 

The virtual choir sounds fabulous!

----------


## EJ

Thank you it worked that time xx

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Try now EJ.... Sorry! 
> 
> The virtual choir sounds fabulous!


Thanks Suzi...... I'm so amazing at tech stuff :(shake): 
Yes our Pastor is a character but absolutely down to earth and inspiringly in love with Jesus.

----------

Paula (12-04-20)

----------


## Suzi

That is exactly the vibe I got from him! He's fabulous!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Today has been very quiet. I took a wee walk, did some yoga and have read most of the day.  I did help A for a wee while in the garden but I got cold and grumpy so came inside and lay on the bed to read. I'm frustrated by my lack of get up and go. 
I always feel guilty when it's nice outside and I'm sat indoors lazing. I feel like I should be being out and active but my body seems to be set on resting and non activity.

----------


## Suzi

Maybe your body is so busy trying to work on getting better that it's in dire need of rest?

----------

Strugglingmum (13-04-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

Fatigue is a symptom of depression. Be kind to you and listen to your body.

----------


## Suzi

How are you hunni?

----------


## Paula

How, sweetie, how are you doing?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I've had a few really slow days with little energy. Today was slightly better but realised I forgot 1 dose of my rispiredone so I definitely feel it's the increase that's slowing me down. Have spoken to both my psychologist and CPN yesterday which helped. Got a bit more done around the house today but still feel like I have a lot to do. Anyway, everyone here is ok. Daughter is struggling a bit with lockdown but she will be ok. She took an early night tonight so hopefully a good sleep will help. Much love to everyone

----------


## Suzi

Hopefully once the increase is settled then you shouldn't have the slowing down issues.... 
Hope that the early night helped your daughter lovely.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Had a quiet day. Lots of crochet, some cleaning and a walk with my daughter. Everyone here was just in need of a day of no expectations. It has been relaxing and much needed. Hopefully everyone's batteries are recharged.

----------


## Jaquaia

That sounds really positive

----------


## Paula

Morning, lovely, how are you doing?

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like a good family recharge day x

----------


## OldMike

> Had a quiet day. Lots of crochet, some cleaning and a walk with my daughter. Everyone here was just in need of a day of no expectations. It has been relaxing and much needed. Hopefully everyone's batteries are recharged.


When in doubt get your hook out and do some crocheting glad you had a relaxing time.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Today I have emptied and tidied all the drawers in my bedroom and gutted the craft room. Just about to tackle under the stairs!!

----------


## Paula

Save something for the rest of the lockdown!  :(rofl): 

Hows your mood, lovely?

----------

Strugglingmum (18-04-20)

----------


## Suzi

Blimey, that's a bit hardcore......... You could just have done PE with Joe Wicks!

----------

Strugglingmum (18-04-20)

----------


## Stella180

> Today I have emptied and tidied all the drawers in my bedroom and gutted the craft room.


 You are more that welcome to come and organise my craft space. It’s a total mess!

----------

Strugglingmum (18-04-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

So confession time. Today I was super productive because I didn't take my risperidone. I am so tired of it making me feel so drained and slowed down. I got so much done today it was super.... and I finished the blanket I was crocheting. Ready to start a new project tomorrow. I know I shouldn't stop the meds and I will take my bedtime dose but I just loved having a bit of get up and go today. I think I need to speak to my team about reducing this again

----------


## Jaquaia

Definitely speak to your team lovely

----------


## Suzi

Please, please, please, please, please don't not take your meds!

----------


## Paula

Sweetie, please dont just stop the meds! Talk to your team first, please

----------


## Strugglingmum

I have had confirmation from my consultant that it's ok to have reduced my risperidone from 3 times a day to just night time. My cpn had a conversation with him and let me know.

----------


## Jaquaia

That's sounds positive! Hopefully it will help

----------


## Suzi

Will you keep a note of how you are feeling? Have you spoken to A about it so he knows what's going on just to help support you?

----------

Strugglingmum (24-04-20)

----------


## Paula

Ok, thats good. But could you promise me that youll take note if A (or us) see a problem?

----------

Strugglingmum (24-04-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I told A that I was reducing it at the time so he knows but is glad to have it confirmed by the consultant. He knows I wasnt coping well with the effects of it so understands but also knows that it means some of my other symptoms aren't as controlled.  Hoping to have telephone appt with consultant soon.

----------

Paula (24-04-20)

----------


## Suzi

I'm so glad you're talking to A about this love, it's important to have him know what's going on so he can help or if he notices something different etc... 

How are you today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I took a nap this afternoon.... unheard of!! 
I got up later than normal, did a few things then went for a walk... about 8k. Came back, got lunch and went to bed for a nap. I know I'm a bit antsy and aggitated but that is actually a bit preferable to how I was feeling with the risperidone and the side effects, it had increased my prolactin levels and it was causing me to feel a bit crap. I do have some diazepam I can take if I'm really struggling with agitation and harmful thoughts although I dont take them as I'm so scared of getting addicted to them. I'm a bit unfocused today and not great at goal setting but I have washing done and on the line, kitchen floor hoovered and been out to get milk and bread. I will crochet later. That could be the total for today but considering I didn't want to get up this morning I'll just have to go with it.

----------


## Jaquaia

That sounds like plenty to me

----------


## Paula

Taking diazepam at irregular intervals and/or doses is unlikely to cause addiction. Taking the odd one when you really need it wont do you any harm, lovely, and is exactly why you were prescribed them

----------

Strugglingmum (25-04-20)

----------


## Suzi

That sounds to me like you've done loads for the day! Definitely use the diazepam if needed hunnni. It's important to use it when you need it - otherwise you would never have been prescribed it lovely!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Have been in my room most of the day although I did take Katie out for 8k. She has slept soundly ever since!! Not sure what I'll do tonight. It's been cooler and overcast today so at least I dont feel guilty for not being busy out in the sunshine.
Very much want to be left alone today.

----------


## Paula

Theres no need to feel guilty for taking it easy after 8k!

----------


## Stella180

8k!? I don’t even drive that far!

----------


## Strugglingmum

> 8k!? I don’t even drive that far!


I walk that every day.... it's just part of my routine.  I usually go alone but today I took the dog as she looked miserable.

----------


## Suzi

8k is loads! If you want to be left alone then that's understandable while the reduction settles...

----------


## Stella180

> I walk that every day.... it's just part of my routine.  I usually go alone but today I took the dog as she looked miserable.


If I tried walking the dog that far we’d most need an ambulance lol

----------


## Strugglingmum

They say you learn something new every day. 
Today I learnt not to ask my husband for help with motivation to get out of bed.

----------

Stella180 (01-05-20)

----------


## Stella180

Ooh err missus lol

----------


## Paula

:(giggle):

----------

Strugglingmum (01-05-20)

----------


## Suzi

I've seen the FB post and I'm glad I did! I really needed that laugh this morning!

----------

Strugglingmum (01-05-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> I've seen the FB post and I'm glad I did! I really needed that laugh this morning!


Well I'm pleased it made you chuckle :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

I'd apologise, but I really needed the laugh!

----------


## Strugglingmum

> I'd apologise, but I really needed the laugh!


Everything ok?

----------


## Suzi

Yeah love, thanks for asking. Just juggling lots of plates... Same as everyone else I think...

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Yeah love, thanks for asking. Just juggling lots of plates... Same as everyone else I think...


That's ok. Just cause you're the boss lady and looking out for everyone else doesn't mean we dont think about you and wonder if you're ok. You are a busy lady. Sending a thank you for all you do.  :(bear):

----------

Stella180 (01-05-20),Suzi (02-05-20)

----------


## Paula

Couldnt have said it better myself  :):

----------


## Stella180

Ditto.

----------


## Suzi

Thank you... 


So, did A have to employ his "special technique" to get you out of bed this morning?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Thank you... 
> 
> 
> So, did A have to employ his "special technique" to get you out of bed this morning?


I was up first :(rofl):

----------


## Stella180

What is this “special technique”? I’m curious now

----------


## Suzi

> I was up first


Did you use the "special technique" on him? 

Stella, I couldn't possibly say!

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm not strong enough.  :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

Ahh, may I recommend cold water in a water pistol? Or gravy and let your pup at him?!

----------


## Paula

:(rofl):

----------


## Strugglingmum

:(rofl):   :(rofl):

----------


## Flo

Morning SM.....what's up? Anything on today?.....don't mean clothing! :(giggle):

----------


## Paula

How are you doing, sweetie?

----------


## Suzi

You're quiet, you OK?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Feeling a bit better after talking things through with my CPN today. I was still feeling low after my consultant appt on Monday but talking it through helped and just unloading how much I disagree with my diagnosis etc. I feel listened to which as we all know helps.

----------


## Mira

That helps a great deal and I am glad you felt that way. And feeling a bit better is a win.

----------

Strugglingmum (07-05-20)

----------


## Paula

Well done for talking to her

----------


## Suzi

I'm really proud of you for talking to her and telling her how things are. That's really important.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Slept for 2 full hours this afternoon. Was lovely.

----------

Stella180 (08-05-20)

----------


## Suzi

Epic self care!  :):

----------


## Strugglingmum

The black cloud is definitely lifting. I am sleeping so much better and I know that has a major influence on my mood. 
The more sleep I get, the more I want and the more relaxed I feel. After being so chronically sleep-deprived for so many years, I'm enjoying the feeling of waking up in the morning and stretching and just feeling relaxed. My psychologist put it very well on Monday when she said, " you are not a manic zombie any more. You dont feel the need to be doing doing doing all the time just to keep going, your body is learning that it can actually relax and allow you to relax."
I feel a more positive and able to enjoy things rather than just do them to be busy. I feel connected to A and the thought of 'tomorrow ' no longer fills me with fear and dread. I know I still have a long road to travel but I am willing to travel it. I can say at this moment and for the past few days, I no longer want to end my life, I feel like there is a way through and I am going to make it.
Thank you all for helping me reach this point.  I cant remember the last time I felt a bit of hope like this.

----------

Flo (14-05-20),Jaquaia (13-05-20),Suzi (14-05-20)

----------


## Jaquaia

That is an absolutely epic post!!!

----------

Strugglingmum (13-05-20)

----------


## Stella180

These are the days to savour. Remember this feeling.

----------

Strugglingmum (14-05-20)

----------


## Suzi

That post has made me cry! I'm so happy for you! That's a post to print out and stick it to every surface you can to keep reminding yourself... You are amazing. A total warrior.

----------

Strugglingmum (14-05-20)

----------


## Paula

Oh! Thats amazing! Im in bits  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (14-05-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Aw thanks guys. It is A's birthday today, a big one so we are celebrating.  My daughter and I had great fun decorating a cake for him. I've never tackled fondant icing before but we are very proud of it. So today is all about the big guy and the wonderfulness that is him. Both boys are back to work so we are doing a bit of running about again but I am still maintaining a relaxed outlook.

----------

Paula (14-05-20),Stella180 (14-05-20),Suzi (14-05-20)

----------


## Suzi

Picture of the cake? I'm so ridiculously proud of you I hope you know...

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Picture of the cake? I'm so ridiculously proud of you I hope you know...


Now we all know I never quite manage the whole photo share thing :(rofl): . Anyway, myself and I are not the worlds best cake decorators but we tried and we had fun. It was absolutely yummy which is the main thing. We had huge slices each. It is a lemon cake with a mild lemon buttercream filling and used apricot jam to stick the fondant icing on. Also gluten free so everyone could eat it.

----------


## Suzi

Ahha, I've seen the pics on FB! Looks like a triumph of a cake to me!  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (14-05-20)

----------


## Stella180

If it tastes like it sounds it’s gonna be the best birthday ever.

----------

Strugglingmum (14-05-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Have been really tired past couple of days but mood is staying ok. Done bits and pieces today and went for a walk, took my son to work. Chatted with a friend for a while too on the phone. Think crochet on the agenda this evening until son needs picked up.

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad your mood is OK. Are you getting enough sleep and rest?

----------


## Paula

Any reason you know of why youre tired?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm sleeping really well. I think years of sleep deprivation is catching up on me. The more sleep I get, the more relaxed I get, my thoughts have slowed and it's as if my brain has finally found it can actually switch off properly. I think it will all settle down. I'm still active, eating healthy but maybe I'm confusing relaxed for tired??? Not sure. Theres been such a change in how I'm feeling recently that I'm just going with the flow.

----------

Paula (16-05-20)

----------


## Suzi

That's so positive!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Been a bit bleugh this week. I'm still sleeping quite well and my mood isn't back really low but I feel I'm plodding or marking time. I just cant find the motivation I need to do stuff and have spent a lot of time just sitting around. I've only walked a couple of times this week and minimal cleaning. I feel really lazy and unproductive.  However, today I showered, body scrubbed, legs shaved, moisturised etc etc. Took me to 2pm to get up the motivation but I did it and I feel a bit more human. There has been a lot of crochet going on this week too but I've had to dig deep to get the hook into my hand. However..... I'm not where I was a couple of weeks ago so that's a plus.

----------


## Paula

Oh hunni, I get it. I think that people without MH problems are struggling to motivate when its same sh!t, different day. Youve only just started to feel better yet were still in this horrible place worldwide. And no clue as to when things are going to get better. 

But, the difference is youve had clues youre getting better. And youre a long way from where you were a few weeks ago. You did so well today getting up and all that self care. Im proud of you  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (23-05-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Oh hunni, I get it. I think that people without MH problems are struggling to motivate when it’s same sh!t, different day. You’ve only just started to feel better yet we’re still in this horrible place worldwide. And no clue as to when things are going to get better. 
> 
> But, the difference is you’ve had clues you’re getting better. And you’re a long way from where you were a few weeks ago. You did so well today getting up and all that self care. I’m proud of you


Thank you. Yes you're right, I have definitely made a step forward since a few weeks ago

----------


## Suzi

I was wondering how things were as you've been much more quiet...

----------


## Suzi

How are you hun?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hi all. I'm plodding. Still a bit of a rollercoaster.  Getting outside as much as possible, spending time with the family and just trying to stay on the right side of the line. I know I've improved but I feel like I'm still walking a bit of a fine line and could tumble back down very easily.  I'm not exactly sure how I'm filling my days but they seem to be passing by steadily. I cant say I have used lockdown to be productive or learn a new skill but I'm surviving and for now that has to be enough.

----------


## Suzi

That's more than enough. 
Are you talking to your medical team about how you are feeling?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> That's more than enough. 
> Are you talking to your medical team about how you are feeling?


Yes I'm in regular contact with my cpn and psychologist.  :(nod):

----------


## Suzi

Good! 
So what've you been up to today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Today I did some laundry, went to the beach for a walk with my daughter and the dog. Came home, got lunch and we sat in the garden and sculptured with some air dry clay in the garden. I made a tortoise. Mostly we just had a go as neither of us had done it before. A was playing golf today. It was a beautiful day and my middle son bought us all an Indian for tea. This evening I've just been feet up. Tomorrow we have hired a digger and dumper for a week to try and get our patio built and some ground cleared. The outside of the house has been very neglected past few years since I got ill so it is good to actually start doing some work in it.

----------


## Suzi

That sounds like a great day! Lots of self care in there too. It's fab you were able to sit with I and make things!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Yip. I forgot, I also did a zoom gardening class with the training centre I attend. They had provided seeds and trays etc to plant some salad leaves, spinach and spring onions.  We are getting some sunflower seeds posted out to plant and see who can grow the tallest sunflower.  It's just all a bit of fun and to keep us connected while the centre is shut. Next week a professional gardener from a National Trust garden is joining us to do a bit of a question time.

----------


## Suzi

That's such a cool idea! So much fun too!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Had a phone appointment with my psychologist yesterday.  She wants me to go in on Thursday for a face to face appointment to do some trauma work as it is too distressing over the phone and she wants to have visual evidence of how I'm coping.
 Ideally we would leave trauma work for now but my flashbacks are quite bad at present so she wants to try. I have to go get blood tests tomorrow too.
 Went and did the shopping this morning. I cant believe how exhausted and washed out that it leaves me for the rest of the day. We are finally having some rain here.... right as A was nearly finished building a wall. Hoping for a dry spell to get it finished... only a few block left to lay.

----------


## Suzi

What are you building? 
I think doing trauma work over the phone is just too hard... I'm glad you're going in and are talking about your flashbacks.

----------


## Paula

Youre dealing with a lot atm, its not surprising life is exhausting for you. Big hugs, sweetie

----------


## Suzi

How did you sleep lovely?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I slept deeply last night, was totally exhausted.  It has rained overnight here and it's a bit cooler.....thankfully. Taking my son to work and then going to get my bloods done. That's my morning filled. How did I use to fit so much into a day!!

----------


## Paula

I know exactly what you mean!

----------


## Suzi

I'm hoping for rain - although Marc wants his Mum and her dogs over for a BBQ and play - it's so humid here! 

Sounds like you've got quite enough to deal with for a day whilst you are trying to get you better!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Went for a walk this afternoon as the sun is out although there is a good breeze.
 I'm anxious about my face to face tomorrow and I know it's me that is putting myself under pressure to make sure it's worth it. 
They are only allowed face to face in exceptional circumstances so I feel like I have to make it worth my psychologist going to all the bother.... but what if I don't manage to achieve what she is hoping, I'll have wasted her effort and put her at risk from seeing me face to face. Which is ridiculous I know, she volunteers at the covid ICU offering a drop in talking space for staff so I know she is more at risk there.

----------


## Paula

This appointment is about YOU, lovely, and, as long as youre both safe, the only thing that matters is that YOU achieve something from it

----------


## Suzi

So what if you don't manage to achieve everything you both hope from this appointment? You make another appointment and have another go. Trauma counselling takes time. Every practitioner knows this. No one is going to mind if you don't get further than "hello"... What is important is that you go and you get from it what you can and what you're able to do so. Hunni, you don't need pressure, no one else will be putting it on you, so don't put it on yourself... This isn't a "one session fixes everything" type of thing love....

----------


## Strugglingmum

Quiet day. Went for a walk this morning and got soaked in a downpour.  My Cpn phoned for a check in just before lunch. After lunch I had a zoom coffee with a friend. Then took my son to work and made dinner but time spent with feet up in between. The dog is lying sleeping with her head on my lap and it feels comforting. Quite content to just stay here tbh

----------


## Paula

Sounds like a good day. Was it?

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like a good day despite the soaking!

----------


## Strugglingmum

It was peaceful which is the main thing

----------

Suzi (05-06-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

A quiet weekend with a bit of cleaning and crochet.

----------

Paula (07-06-20)

----------


## Suzi

Yay for the crochet! Hope it wasn't much cleaning!

----------


## Paula

Whats todays plan?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm very unsettled today. A is being taken off furlough and going back to work on Thursday.... yes I know he cant stay home forever, and I know we are blessed that he was at home through the worst of the pandemic but I am going to miss him so much and his company and just that person to turn to. I know I'm being ridiculous and illogical and just not the strong independent woman that I used to be. I shouldn't need someone by my side to be able to keep calm

----------


## Paula

I know its going to take a big adjustment for me as and when Si goes back - these last few weeks have proved to me how much I need him. So, Im preferring to see it that it shows how close we are that I still want him around after months of 24/7 company itms

----------


## Suzi

I don't think it's bad that you don't want him to go back. I don't think that it's a bad thing that you turn to him when you need calm and talking things through. I think Paula's right, it's a good thing that you want him around that much.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Feeling so anxious and distressed today. Did the shopping this morning but haven't achieved much more

----------


## Suzi

That sounds like enough for a day to me. Can you be kind to you this afternoon?

----------


## Paula

Hunni, youre doing brilliantly. But youve just found out things are changing again and that is always enough to unsettle things. Just be kind to you  :Panda:

----------


## Strugglingmum

I have been really down past few days, struggling with the silliest things. Tonight 2 friends drove miles to my door just to say "I love you" and to chat for 10 minutes, in the rain to let me know they care. Feeling so cared for right now and it gave me a real lift. Only thing would have made it better would have been a huge squishy hug.....
 But we were responsible and sent hugs across the air. It really is the little things that make the hugest impact.

----------

Jaquaia (10-06-20)

----------


## Paula

Oh, thats so lovely - what wonderful friends you have  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (11-06-20)

----------


## Suzi

That's so lovely! How are you today?

----------

Strugglingmum (11-06-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

A went back to work today which I was dreading. Visit from friends last night lifted my mood and they brought me a goody bag which I opened today. It was full of really thoughtful things which just showed they cared and know what would please me so it was a good start to the day. 
My daughter did the ironing which delighted me and let me do my zoom class with the gardening club at the centre. I pottered and got some jobs done about the house, we played with our kittens and my eldest made dinner. Definitely a much better day than I had anticipated. The kittens antics made me laugh which felt good.

----------


## Suzi

Your kittens are adorable!

----------

Strugglingmum (11-06-20)

----------


## Paula

Sounds like a really good day - how was As first day back?

----------

Strugglingmum (11-06-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Sounds like a really good day - how was As first day back?


To say he enjoyed it would be a lie..... but he doesn't love his job anyway but, it's a job, the company is heading belly up due to Covid so he will keep turning up and doing it until that day because there is no alternative. He has no academic qualifications so getting another job would be near impossible. My son works for the same company and the thought of both of them being out of work sends chills through me.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Suzi

I can understand that must be a very scary thought... But never lose hope love...
How are you today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Today I did a few jobs online.... banking and looking cheaper insurance quotes..... that was enough for me for 1 morning. It rained all morning, a bit brighter now. Then I had a freak out as a bird came down the chimney and into the stove.....1 for A to sort out after work! Going to try and lift the crochet hook this afternoon... or not. See how it goes. I'm a bit antsy but dont know what to do with that nervous energy. I'll try find something to do.

----------


## Suzi

Those online jobs are enough for one day! OO I'd have freaked out too! 
What about going for a walk or something? Couch 2 5k app?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Had a complete meltdown tonight at teatime because I couldn't decide what to cook for A and me. I didn't know what I fancied and couldn't think. Anyway, we came out for a burger and icecream and to give me space from the house. Feeling a bit better with time on my own with A, just catching up.

----------


## Paula

You doing ok, love? The past couple of days seem to have been a little bit of a struggle

----------


## Suzi

Hunni, you're going to be wobbling a bit because A is back at work and you're having to find ways to do things without him and his immediate support. You are flipping awesome and you've got this. You can get through this blippy bit. Besides going out for a burger and ice cream sounds much better than having to cook!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Cuddling with kittens. Soothing.

----------


## Suzi

So much fun! Make sure you hide your hooking!  :):

----------


## Paula

> Cuddling with kittens. Soothing.


Im slightly jealous. Jax doesnt really cuddle :/

----------


## Strugglingmum

> I’m slightly jealous. Jax doesn’t really cuddle :/


The kittens are tiny... we are just weaning them so they conk out very easily on your lap, or in your pocket or up your jumper etc. I guess I'm lucky, Katie our GSD likes to lie on the couch with her head on your lap however she doesn't like the bed....too warm for her I think

----------


## Paula

Awwwww cuuuute

----------


## Suzi

Crash is a big cuddle monster!

How are you today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

A bit more settled today. I'm up, did a face mask and brushed my teeth so some self care going on. A is playing golf this afternoon so my daughter and I are going to go to a forest park with Katie for a bit of a hike.

----------


## Paula

Enjoy  :):

----------


## Suzi

Did you have fun?

----------


## Strugglingmum

We had a lovely hike and Katie enjoyed running mad in the forest. Came home and cooked dinner for the first time in days. I'm a bit antsy now but I'm coping

----------


## Suzi

That sounds fun! 

Could you get your hook out?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Ended up kitten cuddling last night and then conking out! 
Done some housework today and a little gardening but it's too hot for me. A is cutting the grass now so I've come inside to let him roam free on the ride-on.

----------


## Suzi

Kitten cuddling and sleep sounds good... 
Hope you're pacing love...

----------


## Stella180

You have a ride on mower!? Nope, not jealous at all. Much. Well maybe a little bit. Oh why am I kidding, I wanna go on it!!!

----------


## Strugglingmum

We have .75 of an acre, mostly grass, so ride-on was an investment many years ago without which the grass would never be manageable.... without a goat! 
We had a small paddock sectioned off for the pony but it is now being laid to lawn again.... part of the work we have been doing outside

----------


## Suzi

That's awesome! I'd get goats too!  :):

----------


## Strugglingmum

Had a phone psychology appointment yesterday. Went ok. 
Been shopping this morning.  It's my eldest's birthday today so have a birthday tea to make but have to confess I bought the cake. Feeling a bit tired now. Going to have feet up for a while then clean up a bit before cooking tea.

----------


## Paula

Its absolutely ok to buy the cake, lovely

----------


## Suzi

Bought cake is more than OK! Give yourself a break love!!!

----------


## Paula

Hi, lovely, hows you?

----------


## Suzi

You're quiet and I don't know if that's a good thing or not...

----------


## Strugglingmum

> You're quiet and I don't know if that's a good thing or not...


Probably not a good thing. X

----------


## Paula

Want to talk?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Want to talk?


Thanks Paula. I'm sorry but I can't think of a thing to say.

----------


## Paula

Im hoping itll help if I ask some questions so....... hows your sleep right now?

----------


## Strugglingmum

It's ok. Hard to drop off but only wake  couple of times and do get back over again. I'm always tired though and it's hard to get up

----------


## Suzi

Are  you eating ok? Getting any exercise? How are the kids? Are you getting any pacing done?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Everyone is fine. It's just me. I'm eating ok but no I haven't been exercising,  I've no motivation or get up and go. I eventually get done the few jobs I need to around the house but I'm not very productive and spend a lot of time sitting about doing nothing. I haven't walked in a week I'm so lazy

----------


## Paula

Youre not lazy, hunni, youre just having a tough week. Small steps - can you sit out in the garden? Have a soak in the bath?

----------


## Suzi

You are FAR from lazy! 

Can you get out into the garden for a bit? What about taking a cuppa outside? That's my thing, I'll take my bottle of squash (living the high life here!) and go out into the garden, have a bit of a pootle around and check over my strawberries and herbs, wander down to the blackcurrants and pootle back again... It's not a lot, but it's something and it can often give me the motivation to do something else, and make me feel that I've done more than "just" sit on the sofa....

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thanks. It's been thunderstorms here with horrendous downpours.  I had a sleep this afternoon. I'm going to try lift my hook this evening.

----------


## Suzi

Oh, so no good for pootling in your garden then! lol 
Are you overdoing it? Not sleeping as well?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Definitely not overdoing it.... maybe undergoing it. Sleeping ok. Guess I'm just low. No real reason except me

----------


## Suzi

You sounds really down, hunni is your mood slipping? Is it worth talking to your care team?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Had psychology this morning and have a scheduled review with my psychiatrist today. Just waiting on his call. 
Just realised this thread is so long. Will have to start a new one. I'll try get round to it later

----------


## Suzi

Were you honest with how you are feeling?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Yes. My psychologist emailed my psychiatrist so he would know how things were before he phoned me. He offered to change my vortioxetine but I wasnt up for a change at the moment and sure next choice could be worse. He also offered to increase my risperidone again but I feel I'm sleeping ok but he said I could have a think and let him know. He will phone again in 6-8weeks. Meantime my CPN can contact him if i want to try changing meds

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad they are talking and taking into account what you are saying and how you are feeling. That's really positive.

----------


## Paula

Was he talking about upping the vortioxetine or changing meds altogether?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Was he talking about upping the vortioxetine or changing meds altogether?


I'm on the top dose of vortioxetine already, so would be another trial of something else.

----------


## Suzi

There are always other options.. How long have you been on the vort?

----------


## Paula

Was he suggesting swapping out the vort or adding something else into the mix?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Swapping out from what I could tell. I feel that the vortioxetine is the first AD that has helped at all so I am reluctant to do that..... it took a long time and a lot of trials to get here.

----------


## Jaquaia

I'm exactly the same. It's not perfect and there are still bad days, but it's the first one that's ever allowed me to feel anything like me again.

----------

Strugglingmum (23-06-20)

----------


## Suzi

How are you today lovely?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> How are you today lovely?


I'm ok. Been to do the shopping and I've a bit of running about to do. I washed my face last night and brushed my teeth. I told my psychologist at 10am I would do it....it took me all day to get there. Still working on today

----------


## Stella180

So you achieved exactly what you set out to do yesterday. So it took you all day but you still got there. I know it’s hard to find the positives and I’m the world champion at beating myself up. You’ve got your shopping done today which is huge, I hope you bought yourself a small treat to reward yourself. Maybe schedule yourself 10 mins to do something just for you. A bit of self care to lift yourself. Have you managed to have a wash and brush your teeth yet today?

----------


## Suzi

Does it matter how long it takes as long as you get there? 
You need to be kinder to yourself  - Yup, am totally agreeing with Stella!

----------


## Paula

Stellas absolutely right.... once youve done your running about, will you rest, lovely?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I managed to lift my hook this evening.... first time in weeks. I have an order and it's a pattern I haven't done before so it's slow going and I'm having to read it so many times to get it right. 
Stella I washed my pits before I went shopping and put on some Mithchum..... does that count? I know people have to stay 2m away but they probably would have still smelt me if I hadn't.... yes I'm a minging slob at the moment.  I cooked dinner. I'll try tackle some cleaning tomorrow

----------


## Stella180

Hey, I get it. I’m the same but there is something really good about the feeling of being clean. It might take every ounce of energy you have left but it’s worth it to feel human again.

----------


## Suzi

You aren't a minging slob! Give yourself a break. 

What's the pattern? What are you making?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Showered. My daughter gave me lots of 'encouragement' by standing with her hands on her hips pointing until I got in. I'm now hiding in my room contemplating getting dried and dressed. Obviously I'm on here so it's not happening that quickly. 
Today my daughter has a socially distanced meet up with her school friends so I have to take her to the city. I'm going to take my crochet and sit in the park waiting on her. I have dinner in the slow cooker so I dont have to cook when we come home. She will get to spend a couple of hours with her pals, catching up. They do this once a week, meet at the park and eat lunch together and are so good at sitting apart. A lady was passing one week and complimented them on being so responsible. 
Anyway I better get dressed before the boss comes and tells me off.

----------


## Suzi

That's a lovely idea! 

Also gets you out of the house and it sounds like you've been prepared a bit to give yourself a break too by doing the slow cooker dinner! 
I love that you're being "supported" like that - sounds like the kind of "encouragement" that I get at home too....

----------


## Strugglingmum

I am not only showered but get me. Showered, shaved, body scrub and moisturised!! Hair dried and now dressed..... can I go back to bed??

----------


## Suzi

Well done love! That's a big achievement!

----------


## Paula

:(party):  well done love  :):

----------


## OldMike

Well done SMum  :Panda:

----------


## Stella180

Woohoo! Do you feel a bit better for it?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Woohoo! Do you feel a bit better for it?


I feel better knowing that I wont make people curl their noses up.

----------


## Paula

Thats something then, it will get better, lovely  :(bear):

----------


## Suzi

Well done! How was the park?

----------


## Suzi

Hey you, how are you doing?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm plodding.

----------


## Paula

Are you looking after yourself? Eating, showering etc?

----------


## Suzi

You sound down... Are you OK?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Are you looking after yourself? Eating, showering etc?


I'm eating




> You sound down... Are you OK?


I am still very flat.had psychology this morning.  She is going to phone and speak to A.

----------


## Suzi

Do you want to talk about it? Why is she calling A?

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Do you want to talk about it? Why is she calling A?


I really have nothing new to say. My mood is low. Im struggling with daily things, no motivation etc. 
I'm not sure exactly what she wants to achieve talking to A, just making sure he knows how much I'm struggling I guess

----------


## Suzi

Does he know? Are you talking to him about how you are feeling?

----------


## Strugglingmum

He knows I'm not great. I'm kind of shut down at the moment.  Holding everyone at arms length. Isolating.  I have nothing new to tell him. It's just the same over and over again. That circle that only I can break but don't seem capable of.

----------


## Stella180

When the time is right for you you’ll come out of it.

----------


## Suzi

Is this since he's been back at work?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I wasnt very well before lockdown and I think while he was home I did improve a bit but without that support I've just collapsed a bit again. I've also been doing quite intense trauma work which has brought me down a bit.
But I think mostly it's just me and my head being stupid and lazy and not trying hard enough..... I dont even feel I want to try so yes, I'm the only one who can fix this, it's down to me and I obviously dont want to fix it enough or I would make more of an effort.

----------


## Paula

You are not stupid or lazy. And youre not the only one responsible for dealing with this. It takes a village....... you, A, the kids, your family, friends, the church, DWD. We are all part of this and we all are here to support you to help you get better.

----------


## Suzi

Stupid? Lazy? Sorry love but that's total bo((ocks! I know that you are definitely neither of those things. You really do need to be kinder to you....

----------


## Suzi

How are you?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> How are you?


I think I'm ok thanks.

----------


## EJ

:Panda:  :Panda:  :Panda:

----------


## Paula

Anything you want to talk about?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Anything you want to talk about?


Thanks Paula. I dont think there is much to say, I'm just getting on with things step by step. I'm setting a goal each day and trying to achieve it. It's going ok.

----------


## Paula

Youre awesome  :):

----------


## Suzi

You sound flat love, are you OK?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I am still very flat but I'm trying

----------


## Paula

Thats all anyone can ask  :(bear):

----------


## Suzi

Then you're a warrior and still fighting. You are awesome.

----------


## Strugglingmum

I was just wondering if anyone keeps or has kept a goal diary or regularly writes down their daily goals? I don't just mean a 'to do' list but your actual goals for that day. I'm not sure if that makes sense at all but I would be interested to know how other people do it and decide on their goals.

----------


## Stella180

I was encouraged to do you once but it had a negative impact on me. If I achieved my goals then they were too easy but if I didn’t I was a failure. I gave up in the end. I still set myself challenges regularly but only as and when I feel I need a push.

----------


## Suzi

It depends what you're going to put on that list... If you make them realistic then I can't see it being too negative. I used to use something similar but for things like meditation/thai chi etc...

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'll try to explain a bit. If I set goals and it is just like a 'to do' list i get overwhelmed and then angry with myself when I dont complete it. Also if it's all task orientated then it's a chore. I've been told I need to set goals to try and give me a lift and find a bit of enjoyment but i also need to look after me and the household. So I've come up with a format that I'm hoping will work but would really welcome any advice, tips suggestions.

I have 3 sections.
1. Personal goal..... I've been putting things like, go for a walk, have a shower and wash my hair, 30 mins yoga, facemask. 

2. Would like to..... this is a few jobs I would like to get done that day but not a long list.... no more than 4 and that will depend on what they are. I put things like attend my zoom class, sew on buttons, phone or message my sister etc.

3. Need to..... this is something that has to be done like change litter tray, do the food shop,   Hoover kitchen etc

I try to do the 'need to'  early on before I get entrenched in anything else and then it's done. I also try to do the personal goal before lunchtime if I can before all my energy is gone. 
The 'would like to list' then is easier to work towards. 

I do other jobs like laundry,  cooking, everyday stuff that just gets done without too much thought but doesn't give me any sense of achievement... it just needs done. 

I think I'm rambling but does anyone have any thoughts? Does this sound reasonable or that it might help? Should I be doing it differently?

----------


## Paula

That sounds very reasonable to me. I also find (and this is from my Bath programme) that it helps me to assign values to the tasks - ie, why theyre important to me and what Im aiming for in life. For instance, yesterday it was important that I have a real endorphin lift so I did some choir practice and really belted out the song (so much so that Si heard me 2 floors above me) - this value is looking after my mental health. Today, Im going to study - this value is about keeping my brain from stagnating. Its a way of keeping myself on track. Does that make sense?

----------

Strugglingmum (09-07-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Yes it makes sense. I think I need to get a sense of me first.

----------


## Suzi

I think your system is really good - and I agree with Paula about the values - we did that in IMPACT too. It's really important to see where you are putting your time/energy - whether it's for you, or others etc..

----------

Strugglingmum (09-07-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Spoke to my CPN today. She thinks my goal setting is working well and that I'm managing better this week. Even better, my next appt with her is a face to face instead of a phone call.

----------


## Paula

Thats fab! When do you see her?

----------


## Suzi

Well done hunni, that's really brilliant!

----------


## Strugglingmum

> That’s fab! When do you see her?


Not this incoming week but the next. It will be good to sit face to face with someone and talk things out I'm not good on phone or online. A is pleased that someone will be actually clapping eyes on me to see how I'm doing.

----------


## Suzi

Are you talking to A about how you are feeling? It will be good to see someone. You learn so much about how someone is really doing through body language as well as what they are and are not saying itms? 

What's on your agenda for today?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Today is a public holiday here. I've been for a walk, done some crochet. I have to give my son a lift to town to meet his girlfriend as there are no buses on a public holiday. He is meeting her parents for the first time. 

I would like to pot up a couple of plants but I'll see how things go. I still have a couple of things on my goal list.

----------


## Suzi

That sounds like a good day!

----------


## Strugglingmum

I am trying not to let the stress in the house get to me but my anxiety is so high....and I keep trying to chant, not my issue, not my fault, I can't fix it, its not the end of the world.... but its hard.

----------


## Paula

Want to talk about what all the stress is about?

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Want to talk about what all the stress is about?


Thanks Paula. 
It's all a bunch of smaller stuff which added together just overwhelms me. I have 3 kids and they all have a stressful event this week or next week. They can manage, its 1 thing. Of course, I have picked up all 3 things and am stressing over all 3, plus my own low mood and worrying A is going to be in next round of redundancies etc etc. 
It all sounds silly and I know people have much worse stuff going on but I'm not coping well with it all.
C girlfriend is coming for tea tonight, first time we will meet her... I need a clean house (which is overwhelming), a nice meal and a cheery, entertaining disposition.... my sister is coming too and that's a whole other bit of stress.
I has her theory driving test tomorrow.  She is struggling getting the time right on the hazard perception and is having regular meltdowns which I'm trying to soothe her from... she also has other wee things going on
My Eldest D is going away with the TA next weekend for 2 weeks to complete his basic training and I'm stressing as he has been lazy (my word for too much gaming online in the middle of the night) and his fitness isn't as good as it could be. He is going to throw up for the first few days of PT.

----------


## Suzi

You've got all of this. 

1) Meal tonight - the house will be fine (as I assume it's better than mine and you can see the dining table and the floor isn't covered in dog hair)! Are you cooking or take away? Your sister? Can you get A to help with her if you need to? 
2) I will be amazing. All you can do is keep telling her to be calm and believe in herself and she can always retake it
3) D will learn by his own mistakes... If he's big enough to do this, then he's big enough to deal with the consequences. I know it won't stop you worrying, but if he throws up then he throws up - he won't be alone going by the stories I've heard from my little brother a while ago!  :):  

Keep on with the mantra, you're doing amazingly. But even more than that, keep talking!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Most of my dining table is clear.... I have a German Shepherd.... everything we own is covered in dog hair :(rofl): ... but th gf has 2 labs so I'm hoping dog hair is not an issue.... even if I hoover as she walked in the door... she would still be covered

----------


## Suzi

ROFL, so you're in a better position than me with your table (I had it dropped on me yesterday by my mil that we are hosting a family BBQ on Sunday so I have a house to clean by then - but I'm on crutches!) but the same with dog hair lol 

Thing is, she'll be much more nervous than you are! You're lovely, it'll be fabulous!

----------


## Paula

Shes not coming to eat off your floor, shes coming to meet you! And youre lovely, so itll go swimmingly  :):  Get a takeaway, eat it on your laps in the living room, youll all have a whale of a time!

----------


## Suzi

Paula's right! Don't panic, I can't imagine anyone not feeling comfortable around you, you're really lovely!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thanks Suzi and Paula..... and of course you are right. (Yes I know you always are :O:  )
We had a lovely time. She is lovely and friendly and seemed to enjoy the family banter. She ate my cooking, She loves animals and our animals seemed to like her so that's a win in my book.
My daughter even successfully competed a trial test tonight passing the hazard perception.  
Who ever you pray to, please say one for her for tomorrow and that I dont have a panic attack on the bus on the way to Belfast.

----------


## Paula

Thinking of you both today  :(bear):

----------


## Suzi

Yay so glad it went well last night! 

What time's the test? Am thinking of you both!

----------


## Strugglingmum

We are safe in Belfast. Appt not till 2:30 so time to fill in shopping and maybe a cheeky Nandos ( my daughter loves Nandos). 
We drove to the city limits then used park and glide.
I was stressed as masks are supposed to be compulsory on public transport here yet so many got on without them.... they couldn't all be exempt. We were on our Glider system so you buy your tickets before you get on so driver is in a separate booth away from the public. Anyway, shopping, coffee, food. All will help

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo! Well done lovely!

----------


## Strugglingmum

She passed!!

----------

Jaquaia (17-07-20)

----------


## Stella180

Great news! Well done.

----------

Strugglingmum (17-07-20)

----------


## Suzi

Fantabulous!  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (17-07-20)

----------


## Paula

:(party):

----------

Strugglingmum (17-07-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

I am so exhausted.  Past few days have drained me emotionally,  mentally and physically.  
Today passed ok. Had lunch out with the daughter. Actually couldn't believe how many places were still shut up in the city. We finally found a wee pub for lunch which had a few GF options. Anyway, thankfully she passed and we dont need to go back for a repeat. Home with feet up. A and the boys are treating themselves to a take away tonight as cooking is just more than I can do tonight. I is away to meet her boyfriends new nephew so can sort herself out when she gets back.  I'm too tired to be bothered eating.  
It's a rubbish TV kind of night.

----------


## Suzi

Please eat something love, it's really important. 

Massive hugs. Can you be kind to you over the weekend?

----------


## Paula

Youve been awesome the last few days. Time to recharge this weekend, please?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Definitely no big plans but I do have stuff I need to catch up on but will pace. Its getting started is my big problem

----------


## Suzi

As long as you pace it lovely. You've done huge things this week, give yourself time to recover too.

----------

Strugglingmum (18-07-20)

----------


## OldMike

> Definitely no big plans but I do have stuff I need to catch up on but will pace. Its getting started is my big problem


I'm the same once I get going I'm okay but I have a habit of putting things off then nothing gets done.

----------


## Strugglingmum

> I'm the same once I get going I'm okay but I have a habit of putting things off then nothing gets done.


Yip.... got up, chopped up some fruit for breakfast.  Ate said fruit and went back to bed. Trying to heave my carcass out for a walk.... but it looks like rain.... a reason to stay in bed??? 
Actually even as I type this the chores are calling me. Out of bed it is then

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I have been for a walk, done some washing, tidied a bit, sorted shelves in my craft room and potted up some plants that had grown too big for theirs. Wee jobs but still plenty to do..... maybe not tonight tho.... have a dicky tummy.  I had run out of my vortioxetine a few days as forgot about the bank holidays here at start of week and forgot to order my prescription last week. Anyway of course having missed it for a few days, it has given me the side effects today when I took it. Not straying too far from the loo for the rest of the day

----------


## Jaquaia

Sending hugs  :Panda:  it made me feel crap when I missed a few days too

----------

Strugglingmum (18-07-20)

----------


## Suzi

:(bear):   :(bear):   :(bear):

----------


## Paula

:(:   :Panda:

----------


## Stella180

I can absolutely sympathise with you having to stay close to the toilet. Hope it passes soon.

----------


## Strugglingmum

> I can absolutely sympathise with you having to stay close to the toilet. Hope it passes soon.


It's all passing much too soon.... that's the problem :(rofl): 
Have just eaten again for the first time so time will tell

----------


## Suzi

I sympathise as a fellow IBS sufferer... Hope it does what it's meant to at a more leisurely pace...  :):

----------


## Strugglingmum

Friends messaged to see if they could call by..... had a wee baking morning. Brownies, peanut butter cookies and toffee loaf. 
It was lovely to see them for a wee while. Had a sleep when they left so late dinner for us.

----------


## Paula

How are you doing?

----------


## Suzi

Did you enjoy it?

----------


## Strugglingmum

It was nice to see them and I'm so pleased they thought to call. A was on the golf course but my daughter stayed in with me till I had served them tea etc before she went out with her boyfriend. I enjoyed my nap after almost as much.

----------


## Suzi

That's so good that you had a good time, and even more pleased that you went for a nap when you needed to.

----------


## scilover

Glad you had a great time! A nap always serves wonders hahaha.

----------


## Suzi

Morning lovely, how are you this morning?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm tired. I had a phone psychology appt at 9 and now I feel drained. It wasnt a tough appt but I feel like I'm failing.
 I need to challenge my thoughts more and think more positively and be more proactive. Sometimes I wonder if I want to get better at all. It all seems to take more effort than I have to give. Sorry that sounds pitiful. I guess I need to sort myself out a bit and try a bit harder. 
Right now I want to go back to bed and just sleep but I know that is hiding away and will achieve nothing. I need to focus.

----------


## Suzi

In what way are you "failing"? 
What is it that you feel you should be doing that you aren't? 
You're being really, really harsh on yourself..

----------


## Paula

From where Im sitting, even when you feel absolutely awful, you still manage to do something every single day. Knowing how bloody hard that is when were feeling like that, please dont underestimate what you do....

----------


## Strugglingmum

I've sorted some laundry and did some yoga then ate lunch. Have realised I'm not just being lazy and unmotivated... I'm tired. Heading to bed for a nap. Too tired to just curl up on the sofa, I need bed.

----------


## Suzi

It's not lazy and tired. You're fighting your head and you've missed meds etc, it's going to have an impact....

----------


## Strugglingmum

Had a good 1½ hrs before window cleaners came. I was out cold. Really needed it. Need to take my son to work now but feeling revived a bit after my sleep

----------


## Suzi

So glad you're listening to your body!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Had my face to face with my CPN today. Was good to see her.
I've done the food shop too so definitely pacing rest of the day.
I've a few bits and pieces to do but feet up with a cuppa first. 

I have to try and keep a food diary as my CPN says I've lost too much weight and I'm not great at remembering how much ive eaten or when. I feel like I'm ok but apparently ive lost about 6kg since they last weighed me. She also set me some homework with goals etc to do before our next appointment.

----------


## Paula

Have you got a pretty notebook to use as a food diary? It might help you to remember to use it

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Have you got a pretty notebook to use as a food diary? It might help you to remember to use it


I'm going to use the back of the notebook I have for my goals. It's a project notebook so is already separated into sections.
I've just realised that 6kg means I've lost nearly 10% of my body weight since lockdown started.

----------


## Suzi

Wow, that's a lot to lose... Definitely do that. You can join our healthy eating section if it'll help?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Didn't get up till 10am today. Enjoyed a lie in. Have the ironing done and heading out to the shops with A and my daughter.  We are heading away for the weekend so needing a couple of things.

----------


## Suzi

You going anywhere nice?

----------


## Paula

Ooo lovely  :):

----------


## Strugglingmum

> You going anywhere nice?


Heading up North Coast. Its beautiful.  Lots of beaches and the crashing Atlantic. It's our chill place. We were lucky and got a good deal on a hotel for 3 nights so just decided to go for it.

----------


## Suzi

Sounds amazing! Are you all going or just you and A?

----------


## Strugglingmum

Just A and me. Cant wait. No kids, no animals, just us. Be good to just connect in peace with no pressure.

----------

Flo (23-07-20)

----------


## Paula

Sounds heavenly  :):

----------


## Suzi

Oh that does sound amazing!

----------


## Strugglingmum

At the hairdressers. So pleased to finally get it done!! What colour will I choose... who knows... I'm still not sure :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

OO  What colour did you choose?

----------


## Stella180

Blue, please tell me you close blue.

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Blue, please tell me you close blue.


No I was blue a few colours ago. 
When I arrived at the hairdressers I was burgundy...with natural grey poking through. I am now a metallic light copper colour. 
It's the lightest I've ever been.... still not too sure. It's nice...just a bit of a shock everytime I look in the mirror

----------


## Suzi

OOOO I love turning my hair different colours!  :):  YAY! What does A think?

----------

Strugglingmum (23-07-20)

----------


## Paula

Wow, that sounds pretty!

----------

Strugglingmum (23-07-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

> OOOO I love turning my hair different colours!  YAY! What does A think?


A....... Ooooh that's different!!!!
I'm not even going to pursue if that was a positive reaction or not. I dont really mind.... it's my hair. It's more important if I decide I like it. I'm getting more used to it so I think I do. We go away tomorrow morning so I'll have the weekend to get used to it.

----------


## Suzi

Lol! Men huh? 
Hope you have a great time away lovely!

----------

Strugglingmum (24-07-20)

----------


## Paula

Absolutely this is for you! Si hates tattoos, I have four and have never apologised for it  :O:

----------

Strugglingmum (24-07-20),Suzi (24-07-20)

----------


## Stella180

I’m with Si, not a fan of tats and that puts us in the minority these days.

----------

Strugglingmum (24-07-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Love my tat.... hubby doesn't like tats on girls but hey my body

----------

Paula (24-07-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

We are having an amazing time away just relaxing. 
I've never watched an episode of GOT in my life but enjoyed going to see the Dark Hedges which were made famous by GOT. They've been there for hundreds of years and I've been before as a child but they weren't famous then.  :(rofl): 

I will definitely put on weight this weekend so that should make my CPN happy too! Lots of nice eating out....and ice cream.
Most importantly... I feel relaxed and happy. Like not just wee moments of feeling brighter, but actually happy. A is delighted to see me smile most of the day. We went to my favourite beach this morning for a walk and I felt energised and A said I was glowing. Hope it lasts when I get home. X

----------

Paula (26-07-20)

----------


## Suzi

Your photos look awesome! I'm so glad that you're having a good time!  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (25-07-20)

----------


## Paula

What an awesome post!

----------

Strugglingmum (26-07-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Back home from our hollibops. Nice to see the dog and cat.... oh yes, yet to see the teenagers!!  :(giggle):

----------


## Jaquaia

:(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

How was it love? Did you have a good time?

----------


## Paula

Did they miss you?  :O:

----------


## Strugglingmum

The dog gave me a wonderful welcome, the cat was as pleased to see me as any cat is  :(giggle): 

The teens had hoovered, and made sure the house was tidy. My wonderful daughter had washed and hoovered my car. I think they were pleased to see us, but dont tell anyone :(nod): 

We had a nice break, plenty of beach walking and meals together. I had hoped we might have connected a bit more and talked. I said to him last night that the only thing we passionately talk about is food and meals. I dont know what I expected but I feel like we dont talk about our feelings or what we are truly thinking. I know it's my fault for being so closed a lot of the time. I guess it's going to take some work.

But yeah, it was nice, I slept well and ate well, i felt relaxed and safe.

----------


## Suzi

I think that it is like that for a lot of couples. It's hard when there are so many other things going on to find that time and space. I know it's something that Marc and I need to work on too.. 

Well done teens! 
I love that you felt safe and relaxed.

----------


## Strugglingmum

My 18 year old daughter curled up beside me in her pjs, wrapped in her fleece blanket, head on my lap and went to sleep. 
It's hard to believe that this same girl pushed me away and shunned me for the past few years because she couldn't cope with me being sick and not being the mum she always knew. 
I've really noticed over the past few months she seems to love me again. I'm in tears.

----------


## Jaquaia

That's lovely!

----------


## Paula

Thats wonderful to hear! (Though she always loved you - she just needed to find her way through)

----------


## Suzi

Exactly as Paula says - she's always loved you. 

How are you today gorgeous?

----------


## Strugglingmum

I'm up and moving. First load in the machine. I'm distracting a bit as I've a bit of post-holiday blues. 
Just the daughter and I today. A is away to the golf course and  C is away to meet his girlfriend. 
Plenty of washing and unpacking to do and my daughter wants help to lay out her next patchwork project and decide placement of the different patterns.

Want to go for a walk later on the beach too. Weather is a bit changeable but if I can walk in the rain on holidays, I can do it here too. Have to change my mindset about that, I've let the rain keep me in too much when I know getting to the beach relaxes me so much. Why is it that the hardest things to do are the things that we know do us the most good?

I'm under strict instructions from A to keep eating too. I've had yoghurt, blueberries,  melon and an apple so far today so I'm doing good.

----------


## Suzi

Can you and I do something lovely together after you've worked out the patchwork project? What about going to the beach together?

----------


## Strugglingmum

We made popcorn....and are watching Sister Act  :(rofl):

----------


## Jaquaia

Love Sister Act!!!

----------


## Suzi

That sounds perfect - as long as you're singing along!

----------


## Paula

Sounds like the perfect afternoon  :):

----------


## Flo

Hi SM! You've been a busy bunny haven't you? Yes, coming back from a few days away is always spirit lowering isn't it? I think we're on so much of a 'high' at the thought of a bit of adventure and somewhere new that sometimes we drop like a brick when it's all over and we're back to everyday life again...well I feel like that anyway! Funnily enough I watched Sister Act again a few weeks ago and I love it..but then I could watch Whoopie Goldberg all day long. I'd have to forego the popcorn though as I can't seem to get rid of it in my mouth!! It's like polystyrene with a nut in the middle, but the kids loved it and so do my grandkids so it must be me! Look forward to chatting again with you and thanks for welcoming me back. Much appreciated. xxx

----------

Strugglingmum (28-07-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Well I just booked my daughter and I, 2 nights away next week in a B&B back up the North Coast. Really looking forward to being away with my wee buddy. Didn't even check the bank account first... just booked it. She loves walking beaches as much as I do so I'm very excited to just walk and chill. Yeah!! 

Of course I cant afford to keep booking nights away so I will have to make the most of it.  :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

That sounds fab!!

----------

Strugglingmum (31-07-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Bought a waffle maker.... have to say, they were amazing. I will never buy waffles again!! Mix up a batter and just pour. 
C had his with nutella and cream but my daughter and I had melted cheese and bacon on them. I have therefore eaten 2 meals today....... I'm on track!!
I put on a lb this week with all the eating out and regular meals with A on holiday. CPN will be happy.

----------


## Paula

Ooooo yum that sounds good  :):

----------


## Flo

Oooooh! Waffles!!! Slurrrrp! You devil you! :(devil):

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Oooooh! Waffles!!! Slurrrrp! You devil you!


Oh Flo they were amazing!! Cant wait to try different recipes and see what works best.

----------


## Suzi

OO that sounds delicious!  :):

----------


## Flo

> Oh Flo they were amazing!! Cant wait to try different recipes and see what works best.


Can I be quality control??? :(nod):  :(hi):

----------


## Strugglingmum

> Can I be quality control???


You'll need to fight off the 2 teenagers and the 50ager in this house (who is the biggest child!)
My daughter had the last one this morning with melted marshmallow, nutella and strawberries.  Oh to be 18 again :(rofl):

----------


## Flo

OMG....she's scoffed the last one???! There's only one thing for it.....make more!! :Hedgehog:  :Hedgehog:

----------


## Strugglingmum

> OMG....she's scoffed the last one???! There's only one thing for it.....make more!!


 :(rofl):  too dangerous

----------


## Strugglingmum

Heading away tomorrow with my daughter for a few days break. The weather forecast is rain, rain, rain but its Ireland, it's what we do best. Coats and hiking boots packed.

----------


## Paula

Have fun!

----------


## Suzi

Sounds fun! Have a great time!

----------


## Strugglingmum

Hi everyone.  Just home from our break away. I had the best time with my girl.  :(inlove):  We did loads, saw loads, laughed loads and made so many memories. We went sea kayaking and even got to kayak into a cave.  :Hedgehog:  
We walked in the wind and rain on our favourite beaches and ate lovely meals together but most of all we just relished each others company.
Spending time away with A and then my daughter I feel refreshed, energised and with a recharged will to keep battling and get well again. Ready to keep working hard. It's only seeing how I feel now that I can realise how flat i was and not really engaging with the hard work it takes to get well.

I love sharing happy things but mostly I'm writing this here so I can look back and remember how good I feel right now and that there are times I feel happy. It's important for the hard low times.

Looking forward to catching up with everyone

----------

Jaquaia (07-08-20),Stella180 (06-08-20)

----------


## Paula

That is such a wonderful post!

----------

Strugglingmum (06-08-20)

----------


## Suzi

That's an epic post!!!!

----------

Strugglingmum (06-08-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Feeling a little blue this evening. I  found out that one of the guys I work with in the kitchen at the training centre was found dead in his flat yesterday. Such a friendly guy and loved a chat and a laugh.
So sad to think of him alone. 

Is it selfish to say that it has made me more determined that that will not be my story? Only a short time ago that could easily have been me taking a OD and I was taking them. No more! I want to beat this.

----------

OldMike (09-08-20)

----------


## Paula

Youre allowed to feel blue about something like that. I am so glad, though, that youve seen what could have been and not wanted that for yourself  :(bear):

----------


## Stella180

With your determination and fighting spirit you will get there without a doubt.

----------


## Flo

You'll do this for sure!

----------


## Suzi

I'm so sorry lovely, things like that are always a shock and a bolt... I'm so glad you're using it to be a positive thing for you though. You are so strong, you can do this, I know you can. I believe in you.

----------

Strugglingmum (09-08-20)

----------


## Mira

I dont think its selfish at all. I think its something great to take away from this sad situation. Its always sad to see something like this happen. But it can also act like a mirror where we see our own life. You have a lot going for you and looking at where you came from, the struggle and hardship. I am sure its good to look ahead and see better times

----------

Strugglingmum (09-08-20),Suzi (08-08-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Was absolutely delighted today to get back to the swimming pool!! It just opened today and it was fab to stretch out in the water.
You have to pre book a 45 min session and all the safety precautions were in place. I was really lucky as I was the only one booked for my session so had the entire pool to myself.

----------


## Flo

It doesn't get better than that does it? Glad you had a good time.

----------

Strugglingmum (10-08-20)

----------


## Suzi

That sounds awesome!

----------

Strugglingmum (10-08-20)

----------


## Paula

Im very envious! Mine isnt open til next month. Glad you enjoyed it  :):

----------

Strugglingmum (10-08-20)

----------


## EJ

Our Nuffield opened last week and the sessions are 40 minutes long. It definitely helps to clear the head

----------

Strugglingmum (10-08-20)

----------


## Strugglingmum

Thanks everyone.  Paula, hope you manage to get along when it opens. 
EJ I love my swimming and yes it is my best tool for clearing my head. I have missed it alot over lockdown. I quite often feel trapped and unable to breathe due to my PTSD but swimming creates a space in my chest and abdomen that allows me to breathe deeply.

----------


## Suzi

Our local one isn't open yet properly either...

----------


## Strugglingmum

Uurrggghhhhh. Feeling the overuse of muscles. Heading to bed to find a cool bit of sheet and then toss every 10secs until fully cooked. See ya all tomorrow

----------

Flo (11-08-20)

----------


## Paula

Did you sleep?  :(bear):

----------


## Suzi

Hope you got sleep love.

----------


## Strugglingmum

I slept ok.....woke a few times overheating. I've been to the big town to do my shopping. Home now, early (v early) lunch and I actually am going to take a nap ...or at least put my feet up. I feel wiped out everytime I have to shop and have hit a bit of a wall.

----------


## Strugglingmum

Got a surprise call and heading out for coffee this evening with 3 friends. Haven't seen them since lockdown so will be lovely. Feeling a little guilty that I haven't been in touch with them over covid,but you know.... it works both ways. We are meeting up now and that's all that matters.... theirs a chance I may even do make-up!!!!

----------


## Stella180

You’re going out out? Awesome. Hope you have a lovely time catching up.

----------


## Paula

Sounds fun  have a great time!

----------


## Suzi

OOO Out out! Have fun!  :):

----------


## Strugglingmum

Ooo I'm tired today!! I didn't get in until nearly 1am as I was waiting on my son finishing work. Had a lovely time out with my friends and talked the leg of the stool...... I'm surprised there are any legs left on any of their stools. I have a swim booked later so need to get myself moving.

I am going to start a new thread later, this one is really too long. I've been meaning to for a few weeks but haven't got round to it.... today's the day!!

----------


## Jaquaia

You can practice locking threads  :O:

----------


## Strugglingmum

That could be dangerous :(giggle): 
I'm going to have to fire my laptop up so I can see what I'm doing!! :(rofl):

----------


## Flo

Ooooh! A swim!.....lurvely! I went to Tesco at 7am this morning..registered 20deg in the car....when I headed back home it was 24deg! another scorcher! I'm doing bu***r all today ...just going to keep myself cool. Have a nice swim.

----------


## Suzi

Enjoy your swim!

----------


## Strugglingmum

I've started a new thread as this one is quite long.

----------

Paula (12-08-20),Suzi (13-08-20)

----------

