# Help and Advice > Coping with Depression >  Running off a cliff *potential SU trigger*

## Pen

Hi
It's been a busy few weeks.  My business has grown to a point where I am so busy that I am at the point of having more work than I can deal with. It has meant that I have not been very nice. I am feeling close to rushing off the cliff and crashing again

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## Paula

Sorry youre struggling, it does often seem that too much work is a trigger. Can you not reduce the amount of classes youre doing? Surely working that hard isnt worth the impact it has on your MH?  Does H know how youre feeling? Are you using your distraction box?

Btw, Ive added a potential trigger warning to the thread

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## Pen

I am trying to spread the workload and now pay someone to run all the daytime classes, however I am a victim of my own success. The first two batches of my ceramic highland cows went off this week (40 small and 13 big) one of the gift shop owners picked them up they were delighted and said they were better than the ones they had before. I am a bit concerned about keeping up with orders. On top of that I have given both stores some of my little houses on dishes to see if they maybe interested in them as well. Also this week I made a mould of a cow head wall hanging, the idea being that I can get others to make them and I just finish and glaze them. Hopefully the gift shops will take them or I will have to find another shop in Scotland. On Tuesday I am also taking my driftwood sculptures to a gift shop/gallery in the next (slightly posher) town in the hope he might take them. I am also going to take some photos of my garden sculptures to see if he will take them as well. We talked to him last summer and said he would like to see the stuff with a view to offering them in his gallery.

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## Pen

I saw the mh nurse a few weeks ago as I been so much better on the new meds and wanted to make sure that they did not stop them. She asked if I was taking it a bit easier. I just laughed.

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## Suzi

Pen, I'm glad you're getting someone in to run the classes. I'm thrilled for you that you're so busy, but can you now take it a little slower once you get some stock into those shops?

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## Arty

You are doing so well Pen & really recognising when you need help or to slow down. It’s good that you have a shut down week this week.  :(nod):

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## Pen

It will be good to be able to clear the shelves of stuff for firing and maybe slip in some of my own projects between everything else I need to do.

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## Suzi

I was hoping you were going to take a couple of days off.....

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## Pen

Maybe.  I have today made 3 cows and trimmed some pots. Exhaustion caught up with me later though and I had to have a lie down. Tomorrow I am taking some work to a new gallery to see if they will take ithe.  Coffee and cake may be involved as well.

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## Suzi

No one can carry on at that kind of pace without a break.. You need to allow yourself time to settle a bit - how's hubby after his brother's funeral?

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## Pen

Hubby is fine (I think) I have seen less of him than before his brother died. I think he is enjoying his freedom.

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## Paula

I think I remember you saying you were hoping hed move in with you and the kids have the other house. Is this a possibility?

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## Suzi

That's what I thought too... How come you aren't seeing him much?

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## Pen

No not at the moment. The kids could not afford to run it my son in law has lost his job and my daughter can only manage 10 hours a week for me before her anxiety gets too bad.

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## Suzi

So you're supporting them atm? That's tough on you.

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## Pen

Yes, but hopefully he will get a new job soon. He had an interview last Friday and we are waiting for news. I am paying him to do 3 hours a week work for me to give him a bit of tobacco money. We have also introduced a housework rota which at the moment is working quite well.

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## Suzi

Good! I'm glad that it's going well atm.

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## Pen

H and A have gone off to look after a friends baby for the morning. It's the first time I have ever seen them both dressed before 8 in the morning!. 
I have been thinking a lot about my hospital stay reciently and how I should have killed myself then.

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## Suzi

Then surely you know that you are doing too much and you need to rest? Are you under any MH team atm?

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## Paula

Pen, you need rest! Please try ....

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## Pen

No not under any my team. Yes I will try and rest. Went out with two friends at lunch time and took some of my stuff to a local gallery who bought it all off me cash in hand. Then had lunch together before coming home and updating my website and my etsy shop to remove what had been sold, then paid the house insurance and corrected a mistake I made on Facebook. Tonight however I plan to sew and listen to my book.

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## Suzi

Is it worth going back and seeing your GP and telling them what you've told us? Just to keep in touch and keep them in the loop? 
Well done for selling so much!

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## Pen

No point in trying to go to the docs. You are right that what I really need to do is get some rest.

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## Suzi

Are you having less negative thoughts?

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## Pen

No, lots of them. But I will cope. The change of routine along with everything catching up with me is the cause. If I go to see the doc or the MH nurse they will just say I need to do less and rest.

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## Paula

So what plans do you have to achieve that? Not just right now but longer term?

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## Pen

I don't think I will ever be able to slow down. Its just not in my nature. However I have a friend taking my day time classes and I hope to be able to get another friend taking the evening ones eventually. I need to start having proper start and end times to work so that I can actually stop work rather than think "I will just do this" and that has to include reading work emails.

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Paula (21-02-18)

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## Suzi

That sounds like a good plan.

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## Pen

Still struggling with self harm or worst thoughts. I know that it is just this catch up week. Changing the routine always makes me bad.

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## Paula

Can you get out and about with Ember? Would that help?

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## Pen

I may take her down the beach for a change this morning. I have a ton of work to do today which should keep my mind occupied. I plan to spend a few hours on the wheel making little trinket pots which hopefully will work at making me feel better.

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## Suzi

Are you sure you shouldn't at least have it on record at your GP's that you are struggling with these thoughts again lovely?

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## Pen

Nah. I'll be fine. They don't want to know unless I have a prolonged bad spell and this will pass. I spent a productive hour on the wheel earlier and threw 15 pieces then H made me rest for the afternoon.

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## Angie

Glad you have had some rest xx

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## Suzi

Glad that you rested - but 1 afternoon in a week is not enough love.

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## Pen

> Can you get out and about with Ember? Would that help?





> Glad that you rested - but 1 afternoon in a week is not enough love.


No? Oh. H thought it a great achievement that she got me to sit still for 2 hours!

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## Suzi

It is a massive achievement, but hunni you are human, and all humans need some down time too.

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## Pen

Well back to work this week. Spent the morning glazing cows and loading the kiln. Now to spend the afternoon doing probate stuff, washing up and washing

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## Suzi

Probate stuff is horrible, so take lots of breaks and be really kind to yourself.

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## Pen

Its well on track. I have sent of the probate forms tonight.

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## Suzi

Well done. 

Hope you're getting some time out to rest a bit this evening too.

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## Pen

Yes finishing off my cross stitch and listening to my audio book

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## Suzi

Good. I'm glad you're switching off...

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## Paula

Can we see pics at some point?

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## Pen

Just finishing off the back stitch, then it will need washing as there is a lot of white on it and I have got it very grubby! But then I will put some pics up.
Back to teaching today. Every class is full, in some cases overfull! Except for the group for the disabled. My friend J is going to take the daytime groups so I can do my own work, so more cow making today!

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## Paula

Youve built your business up from nothing. That is truly remarkable and I hope youre proud of what youve achieved  :):

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## Suzi

I remember you being worried that you wouldn't be able to make a living from your business, look at you now! You've done this. You are amazing!

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## Pen

I think I need to write down my hours maybe it will help me control my work habit.

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## Paula

Good idea

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## Suzi

That includes preparation, admin, planning, going round shops to sell things...I think you'll be horrified at how many hours you are actually working.

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## Pen

Oh I know. I worked out I was getting £4 an hour  :(rofl): 
I was thinking that I should write the hours I WANT to work  :(think):

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## Suzi

Oops!

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## Pen

Oh dear. Been a day of baby steps. Huge achievement this morning just to get into the shower. Did manage to get the dog out and get my meds and shopping but then had to spend 2 hours in bed to recover enough to make a cup of tea. Hope this goes by morning.

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## Suzi

Sounds like you've done a good job at pacing...

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## Paula

That sounds like more than enough for a Sunday  :):

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## Pen

My heads all over the place tonight so I hope you don't mind me chatting on here. Feel free to ignore me though.
I just feel I have so much going on at the moment that it is like juggling balls and spinning plates all at the same time.
I have people wanting class places that technically I don't have and then having others not turning up for classes. 
Shipping materials lost in the post that I need to send out orders. Then just got everything together to ship to be told the customer wants a custom piece substituted which won't be ready for over a week. Loaded the kiln and forgot to add the glass element to my new coral trinket bowl. Need to sort out the accounts. Taking Dad out tomorrow then meeting a friend Wednesday before taking hubby to the crem to sort out his brothers ashes. Have a pile of driftwood to be prepared ready to stick ceramics to it, plus need to make said ceramics. Need to get hubby to mix cement for new stand for a garden totem that is going to a gallery.

I just feel overwhelmed by it all

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## S deleted

I’m not surprised! I’m feeling stressed just reading all of that.

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## Suzi

That sounds like a mammoth amount of things to do. Can you break any of it down and delegate?

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## Pen

I have delegated as much as I can. I was having a bad spell, things ate a bit better now. Been trying to stick to set working hours last week but it is hard. Tomorrow will be messed up as I have an appointment with the diabetes nurse at 10. I am trying to keep Mondays as a manufacturing day but I then think of loads of admin type stuff I have to do.

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## Suzi

Glad things are a bit brighter lovely.
Did you ever work out how many hours you work in a week?

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## Paula

> I have delegated as much as I can. I was having a bad spell, things ate a bit better now. Been trying to stick to set working hours last week but it is hard. Tomorrow will be messed up as I have an appointment with the diabetes nurse at 10. I am trying to keep Mondays as a manufacturing day but I then think of loads of admin type stuff I have to do.


Im impressed! I know how hard it is for you to do this so its great youre working on it  :):

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## Pen

No but hoping now to keep it under 45. Today I may have to take the afternoon off. The meeting with the diabetes nurse has knocked me sideways

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## Suzi

Why? Are you OK?

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## Pen

Yes, I don't know why the meeting made me feel so ill. I suppose it was I had persuaded myself that as my bloods have been normal for the last 3 years that I did not have diabetes or I had cured it. To be told that now my blood sugar was way over in the long term test and I needed to make changes to my diet and take medication for it was a shock.

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## Paula

:Panda:

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## Suzi

Have you been on medication before?

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## Pen

No. Not for diabetes and cholesterol.

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## Suzi

When are you starting the medication?

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## Pen

Tomorrow

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## Suzi

What's meds is it?

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## Pen

Metformin and ezetimibe. The upside is that I no longer need to pay for prescriptions which is good as I think I may not get tax credit exemption this coming tax year

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## S deleted

As diabetic you get medical exemption so pick up a form from your GP or pharmacy

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## Suzi

Metformin is one that I'm on....

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## Pen

Its a pretty common one.

Feeling pretty crap this afternoon, I would like to cancel tonights class but the snow the other week cost me about £400 so its really not an option.

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## Suzi

Sorry that you're feeling crappy. Can you do some self care before your session?

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## Pen

Just getting some dinner. I am hoping a friend will stand in for me tonight

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## Suzi

Did you get someone else to stand in for you?

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## Paula

Big hugs, lovely

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## Pen

> Did you get someone else to stand in for you?


Yes. I just feel so bad at the moment, I just could not deal with a crowd of people.

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## Suzi

Glad you got someone else in. Hope you used that time for recharging?

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## Paula

You did the right thing, then

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## Pen

Had a tantrum and threw the frog I was making across the studio earlier then went and had a cry. I have injured my foot and its very painful. I am just feeling useless. I could not make or do anything today. H is upset as well as one of her new baby pet snails has died unexpectedly. Life feels  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear:  :Swear: .

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## Suzi

What have you done to your foot? 
Sorry about H's snails.. 

Can you both do something lovely to be kind to yourselves?

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## Pen

Pulled my plantar fasciitis in my left foot. I did injure it some years ago and I remember it took months to heal.
Hanne and I took a class tonight. A is bringing her back a Chinese now. I have just treated myself to a banana. I may really push the boat out in a min and have a milky decaf coffee.

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## Paula

What are you doing to treat your foot? Is it worth talking to the doctor?

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## Pen

From when it happened before I know that the treatment is stretches and rest plus wearing shoes with instep support all the time, never going barefoot or even in slippers. I have a pair of shoes with memory foam soles and they do seem to be helping. Annoying thing is I was keeping them for when I wanted to go out and did not want a pair of shoes covered in clay from the studio or mud from dog walking.

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## Suzi

I get plantar fasciitis too, so I totally feel your pain. Warmth helps when mine flares. 
Are you able to rest it today? (Stop laughing)

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## Pen

Yes, I should be able to take it a bit easier

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## Paula

A bit? Still a bits more than not at all  :(bear):

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## Suzi

What plans do you have for over the weekend?

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## Pen

The person who runs my Saturday groups for me is Ill so I am running 3 classes tomorrow. H &A are going away for the weekend so its just me, 4 cats, 1 dog,1 large fancy goldfish, 3 tanks of tropical fish and 4 giant African land snails....

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## Suzi

Well, you didn't want to be bored did you? Blimey love, make sure you sit and eat and drink between classes etc...

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## Pen

What is worrying me tonight is that H and A are travelling to Ashford in Kent tomorrow and heavy snow is forecast for there. H has told me that I don't need to do anything with the fish and snails which is a relief

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## Suzi

They aren't that far from me then. If they get stuck they can come and join in Fern's sleepover lol....

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## Pen

Hopefully they will make it to the hotel before the worst of it gets them stuck. 
Went out for dinner (well McDonalds) with a friend tonight. Getting some junk food and a chance to get things off my chest has really helped

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## Paula

Sometimes, thats exactly whats needed. How are you this morning?

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## Suzi

Really pleased you got out and did something positive to help you love.

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## OldMike

Junk food and having a good chat often helps, glad you had a good time.

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## Pen

> Sometimes, that’s exactly what’s needed. How are you this morning?


I'm not too bad thanks. My friend has turned up to run the classes but I sat in and made some little houses. I have had 72 baby plants arrive this morning so will have to get them potted up and somewhere warm this afternoon.!

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## Suzi

72 baby plants? What kind of plants? Where are you putting them? 

Glad your friend came to run the classes. Have you eaten? Had enough to drink?

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## Pen

Various summer bedding plants although the 6 antirrhinum (I had to look up that spelling) were completely smashed.
I ordered them back in January. They did have to choose another cold spell to ship them.

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## Suzi

I hope you enjoy planting lol

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## OldMike

> The person who runs my Saturday groups for me is Ill so I am running 3 classes tomorrow. H &A are going away for the weekend so its just me, 4 cats, 1 dog,1 large fancy goldfish, 3 tanks of tropical fish and 4 giant African land snails....


Four cats I thought you only had two Barney & Percy as I recall, have you adopted two more. The mind boggles (well mine does) as to how big are giant African land snails.

It's a busy weekend for you what with running classes and looking after a menagerie  :):  try and get some me time between classes.

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## Pen

We still have our old lady Hazel who is now 18 and we have a rescued studio cat called Mr Tiggs

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## Pen

Manufacturing day today. Made 8 mugs in preparation for my latest charity fund raising idea.
H and A are still away but too tired now to make myself dinner

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## Paula

Have you got something you can eat? Apart from tired, how are you feeling?

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## Pen

Hubby fetched McDonald's so I have eaten.
Feeling overwhelmed again. Too many plates spinning.

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## Suzi

When do they get back? What's your schedule like for the rest of the week?

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## Pen

They got home about half an hour ago.
My schedule is the usual chaos.
Tomorrow prepare for the afternoon class that my friend J will take and load the kiln then catch up on admin and accounts till teatime then run the evening class.
Wednesday take dad out in the morning, do some manufacturing in the afternoon load the other kiln and take a class in the evening.
Thursday unload the first kiln then manufacturing in the daytime and take a class in the evening.
Friday load the kiln and unload the other kiln and setup stuff for the classes and do the admin
Saturday load the second kiln and help with the classes that J will take if necessary...
So not much really
Friday setup class

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## Suzi

That's a lot of admin sessions - could you not take one out and put in "rest"?

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## Pen

I may have to. At the moment I feel I am going to burst into tears.

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## Suzi

:(bear):  :(bear):  :(bear):  Can you take a break at all today?

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## Paula

:Panda:

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## Pen

Well reducing my sugar has just made me grumpy and tired so I am starting to go back to old habits a bit although I am staying away from cakes

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## Suzi

Oh no! Definitely don't need a grumpy Pen! I started by changing the sugar in my tea from 2 teaspoons to 2 sugar cubes and now I'm down to 1 sugar cube which is less than 1 spoon. I found it easier to do it that way.

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## Pen

Please may I be allowed to die now? I don't want to carry on.

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## Paula

Whats happened, lovely?

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## Suzi

Oh lovely, what's made you feel like that?

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## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

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## Pen

Nothing has happened I woke up like that this morning and the feeling has persisted

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## Suzi

Are you safe? Do you need emergency help?

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## Pen

Dont panic, I'm fine. I am safe and dont need help.

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## Pen

Well not fine maybe, but I am safe. I am battling the feelings which are strong tonight.

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## Paula

Have you got your therapy box out?

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## Pen

Not yet. I am watching a bit of TV. I have just had fish and chips. Now going to do some sewing. I have a feeling the box is a bit depleted at the moment.

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## Suzi

Hope you've managed to distract and fight those thoughts.

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## Pen

lorazapan helped. Plus spending an hour sorting out and organising thee threads for my next cross stitch, although it will be a while till I finish the current one. Feeling really bad that I think I had an appointment for a haircut today and totally forgot it. I thought it was for next Friday but realised tonight that can't be right as its good Friday. I am also stressing about a talk I am giving at the end of April and sorting out a spot in the cream for M and getting the probate paperwork posted off.

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## Paula

Well done for distracting with the cross stitch last night. Its tough, I know, but its good to see you using your coping mechanisms. Dont worry about the haircut, there are worse things in life than missing a haircut ... wrt the other things youre worried about, can you just deal with the most important/time critical one first and leave the others til that ones finished?

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## Suzi

Glad you were able to distract a bit lovely. 
Easily done about the hair cut, give them a call and apologise. 
What's the talk about?

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## Pen

Called the hairdresser and whenever the appoint was for it was not yesterday as she was away! However made a new one now. I will try and get the probate paperwork sent today. I can't do anything about the crem till Tuesday. The talk is 45 minutes about the history of pottery to 90 oaps .

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## Suzi

Well done for sorting the hairdresser! 
Glad you've got through the probate paperwork, that's a feat in itself! 

Good luck with the talk!

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## Pen

Had a long talk with H after she insisted I told her what was worrying me. There seems so much and it was a case of "and then there's" for about half an hour. It all seems too much at them moment.

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## Suzi

Is it worth writing the list here too? Maybe we can help you prioritise or see the wood for the trees?

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## Pen

Its not just a list of what needs to be done but a worry list of what I should not have done. So first what needs to be done.
Write talk
Post probate
Call crematorium
Clean kitchen
Vacuum house
Finish pots I am making
Make more cows
Get cows onto etsy
Finish totem
Finish driftwood pieces
Call gallery to arrange delivery
Deliver totem and driftwood pieces
Set pricing for pieces for gallery
Do shopping
Go through the accounts and sort them out
Now for worry stuff
Been spending a bit recklessly on clothes and books
Just been fined by the NHS for a mistake I made. Now worried that it is the tip of the iceberg and the fines will run to £1000's
Worried about the talk
Worried that I have done the wrong thing with the clothes I bought as I discovered this morning holes developing in the blouses I bought from there a month ago and these new ones are the same material.
Worrying about how I am going to fix them
Worried about the garden and the amount of work that is going to be needed to get it straight for the summer and the charity garden party we are having in June.
Worried about my health
Will that do for now? Well you did ask!!!!

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## Pen

Oh and worried that bookings are down

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## Pen

And if I will be able to pay the next electricity bill

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## Pen

And be able to pay the tax bill this year.

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## Paula

What happened with the NHS?

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## Pen

I did not realise that my prescription exempt card had run out. I just thought that they had sent another card but I had misslaid it. They sent me a fine for claiming exemption when I was not entitled.

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## Suzi

Can you not delegate any of those?

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## Pen

Nope. They are all my own worries

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## Suzi

Why can't someone else do the shopping or call the crem?

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## Paula

> I did not realise that my prescription exempt card had run out. I just thought that they had sent another card but I had misslaid it. They sent me a fine for claiming exemption when I was not entitled.


How long ago did the other one run out? Is the worry about running into £1000s a legitimate worry or are you catatrophysing?

Could H call the gallery re delivery? Would she be able to help you with the accounts?

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## Pen

Apparently it ran out at the end of October. 
H has offered to call the crematorium on Tuesday.
She can't call the gallery until I sort out the artwork but even then she would be too anxious to do it. I am hoping that the weather is nice tomorrow and I will cycle up to the pharmacy to get my meds and do some shopping. It will be the first real cycle ride I have done for some years.

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## Suzi

How are you feeling today?

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## Pen

Stressed. However I am looking forward to my bike ride and doing some gardening.

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## Suzi

Hope that the cycle ride and the gardening help to calm your mind lovely x

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## Pen

Loving the sunshine. I am very proud of myself that I cycled the 2 miles to the chemist, had some lunch then cycled back!
Just been spending a few hours in the garden doing some long over due tasks. I feel so much better for the fresh air and exercise.

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## Paula

Good. Is there any way you can timetable fresh air and exercise in every day/couple of days?

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## Suzi

So glad. I find it makes a massive difference to Marc...

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## Pen

I do walk the dog every day, but it would be nice to get out on the bike more however I am a fair weather bike rider plus I do also need to work. Tomorrow my son is taking me out for the afternoon to Weston Pier. Bazaarly although I have lived here for nearly 20 years I have not visited the pier since it was rebuilt in 2010 so he is going to take me to there. Looking forward to being a kid again on the rides and loseing money in the arcade  :8):

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## Suzi

Sounds like fun!

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## Pen

It was! Went on the go carts, they have a two level track which was great fun! I'm sure the boys who went before us had a longer go though...

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## Suzi

Pfft! As long as you had fun!

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## OldMike

Many a year since I went on a go kart, hang I don't think I've ever been on a go kart it was dodgems I was thinking of, glad you had a fun time.

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## Pen

I wanted to go on the dogems as well but at 6foot 3inches my son no longer fits and I was not going on my own. :(rofl): . I had a bit of a struggle fitting in the go cart and wondered if I would ever get out!

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## Pen

Hi guys. How you all doing?
Tuesdays are my Mondays and tonight it feels like a long week. I have been going at 90 miles an hour again and I am looking forward to our shut down week next week.
In the stupid way I work I have come up with a new pottery line, fat shaggy cats and I am getting a bit obsessed with them. Its stupid as I have no idea if I will be able to sell them. I think what has made me feel a bit down today though has been the added strain of looking after Dad. I had to get him to the doctors this morning and then had to go and visit him again later in the afternoon as well as making pottery and running a class.

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## Suzi

What's up with your Dad? 

You do need to find a way to pace - even through the busiest of times lovely - you just can't sustain it - mind you, the amount you work I don't think anyone could!

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## Paula

Pen, do you ever stop long enough to figure out whether youre too busy to enjoy what you do?

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## OldMike

Saw your shaggy cats on Facebook, I like the idea  :):

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## Pen

> What's up with your Dad? 
> 
> You do need to find a way to pace - even through the busiest of times lovely - you just can't sustain it - mind you, the amount you work I don't think anyone could!


Dad has pulled a muscle in his neck and I need to go and massage him with volterol. The pain was so bad on Monday he thought he was going to be sick and I had to make an emergency appointment at our gp. Took me an hour of trying before I got through on the phone. I have got better at pacing but things like this throw me.

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## Pen

> Pen, do you ever stop long enough to figure out whether you’re too busy to enjoy what you do?


Sometimes and yes I do love what I do (mostly)

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## Pen

> Saw your shaggy cats on Facebook, I like the idea


I did one with a fish tail hanging out of its mouth last night which is going to be called "no, I haven't seen the goldfish"

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OldMike (05-04-18)

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## Suzi

Oh your poor dad! That's really sore! 
Glad you are loving what you do. That's so important.

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## Pen

No !ore fat cats for a bit. An order for 35 cows just came in!

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## Suzi

35? Wow! That's a huge order!

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## Pen

I have them stock but it will clear me out and I am expecting another order from the other gift shop soon as well.

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## Suzi

They seem to be a best seller!

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## Pen

And there it is. Just had a message from the other shop wanting 15 cows and 10 of my croft trinket dishes.

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## Suzi

WOW! That's awesome!

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## Pen

Next week is week without classes so some serious manufacturing is required.

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## Paula

How are you doing this morning?

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## magie06

I hope you have some resting built into next week.

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## Suzi

Can H help with the creations?

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## Pen

> How are you doing this morning?


Feeling a bit overwhelmed

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## Pen

> Can H help with the creations?


No but I have been training A to do them.

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## Suzi

Glad you've been training someone to help - sounds like you're going to need all hands on deck to get the orders sorted!

----------


## Pen

Kids group this afternoon ... 8 kids from 4 to 11! Just a bit knackered now!
9 adults tonight and H has food poisoning again so can't help. :S: 
I will have to get my own supper but it will either be beans on toast or cheesy chips from the chippy. As too tired for anything else.
During May I was going to make mugs for our charity but think it maybe too much now.
I have 2 kilns to unload now before the evening class.

----------


## Pen

Scary... I have booked a holiday!

----------


## magie06

Ooh where are we going?

----------


## Pen

Illfracombe. Get a flight to bristol and it will take us about an two and half hours to get there... Only problem is there is only one bed!!!

----------


## Suzi

I was sure I'd replied to this! Sorry lovely! 

What is H eating which keeps giving her food poisoning? How did the class go? Where and when are you going away?

Just seen your reply! Ilfracombe is lovely! Who is going?

----------


## Pen

She was helping a friend move house so she probably got it from something whilst she was out. She is sensitive to meat products so she probably ate something contaminated.
Classes have gone fine. Glad they are over for a few days.
Going first week of June. Just me and Ember. I have asked hubby but he will not commit to coming. Its a lodge on a small park with woods to walk in and close to Exmoor. Its not actually in illfracombe but a village just to the north on a hill with views across the valley to the sea.

----------


## Suzi

That sounds heavenly!

----------


## Paula

That does sound lovely  :):

----------


## magie06

That sounds lovely. I'll pray for good weather!

----------


## Pen

Busy day today A and I made 20 cows and one sheep. Tomorrow I need to throw some trinket bowls, only problem is I can't remember how much clay I used on each one last time. As you get older the biggest lie you tell yourself is I'll remember that, I don't need to write it down.

Feeling crap tonight. I don't know if I am just tired but all the things I have to do is getting to me tonight.

----------


## Paula

Im sorry youre feeling low tonight. Are you planning on getting an early night?

----------


## Pen

Yes. Just about to go up.

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Paula (09-04-18)

----------


## Suzi

How are you today lovely?

----------


## Pen

Crap  :(yawn):

----------


## Suzi

Is there anything we can do?

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------


## Pen

Just be there. I am going to try and rest this afternoon. I just feel disassociated, like everything is just a dream. I am so tired, but feel guilty as there is so much to do.

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## Suzi

There's little point in working yourself to the point of dropping lovely. Please take some time out to properly rest and then you'll be more able to actually do the work...

----------


## Pen

True. I spent an hour and a half curled up in bed as I just could not get warm (never a good sign of my mental health), but then did a bit of shopping so the dog could eat tonight and spent an hour in Costa doing some planning work with a couple of coconut flat whites for company!

----------


## Paula

Thats a start, hunni. Whats on the agenda for tomorrow? Have you built in some resting time?

----------


## Suzi

Definitely some rest needs building in..

----------


## Pen

I have the PAT testing man coming at 9.30 tomorrow morning so its an early start as I have not got stuff organised for his visit yet.
Hopefully I will have found some more energy as I need to throw a number of dishes for my stock.

----------


## Pen

Up at 6.30 this morning (usually get up at 8.30) as I was worried about the PAT testing and getting everything in place for him.

----------


## Paula

What time are they due?

----------


## Pen

He arrived just after 9.30. It's going to be an expensive bill this time. I had 10 more items for testing this year. Unfortunately it has to be done.

----------


## Suzi

All done? All OK? How are you doing?

----------


## Pen

Yes all done. After that I unloaded the kiln, threw 11 bowls, glazed a mountain of kids work, rearranged the drying shelves and started on the accounts. All done for the day.
I desperately want to spend money, it makes me feel better, it's something to do with my bpd apparently but I am trying not to. I want to buy a drawing/craft table off amazon. I have always wanted one and have figured out where I could put it, but I don't NEED it just WANT it.

----------


## Paula

If you do t need it but do want it, could you put some money aside for a few months? That way you wont feel youre depriving yourself of it, and youll actually end up getting something as a bit of a luxury for you

----------


## Suzi

I agree with Paula - I know one of our relatives has similar impulses to make them feel better, but all it does is give another stick to beat themselves with after..

----------


## Pen

I am just a bit anxious and stressed out. I don't have the money to spend really. The car is due it's MOT tomorrow and I am sure it will fail so that will be a big bill. I have to find the money to pay my income tax. And as I have just had a huge electricity bill a couple of weeks ago my account is looking a bit poorer than it should...

----------


## Suzi

Then definitely don't buy it... Wait...

----------


## Pen

Feeling very anxious and suicidal at the moment.  It is all  to do with the impending MOT I know but just can't focus. Just taken Dad out for a coffee and catch up.

----------


## Suzi

Why are you feeling suicidal because of your MOT? Have you spoken to anyone? Is your care box ready to use?

----------


## Pen

> Why are you feeling suicidal because of your MOT? Have you spoken to anyone? Is your care box ready to use?


Yes stupid isnt it.

----------


## OldMike

> Yes stupid isnt it.


Not really, people with mental health issues can easily magnify things out of all proportion we've all been there and got the tee shirt.

----------

Suzi (12-04-18)

----------


## Suzi

Not stupid at all, but hunni can you find your way out of feeling like this?

----------


## Pen

H has gone through some of what is worrying me and we have planned tomorrow's work.

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## Suzi

I'm glad that you have spoken to H about it all lovely x

----------


## Pen

She sat with me for a while and tried to get me to eat but not really hungry.
The MOT was actually fine with just a small thing to be put right but I am feeling swamped by everything but H and A will help tomorrow.

----------


## Suzi

Glad the MOT was ok. Hope you  get some help today.. But hunni you have to eat...

----------


## Pen

I did have  banana.
Got got an attack of the shakes this morning so had two handfuls of sultanas a slice of toast and just cooking some hard boiled eggs.
No sign of any helpers yet.

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you're eating.. 

Aren't you paying them to work with you?

----------


## Pen

Only the hours they work. H has turned up but apparently A is too tired after helping friends for the last few days.

----------


## Suzi

Then I hope you aren't paying him! Too tired sounds like a really crappy excuse lovely. Especially when you're struggling so much.

----------


## Pen

I know but then he has done more hours this week than normal (unlike H)
I have been in the office working on the accounts all evening with the assistance of Mr Tiggs who is delighted to have the company and has been trying to lie on the keyboard.
However now going to go and do the washing up...

----------


## Suzi

Erm, if you are working, doing the accounts, and everything else whilst also feeling suicidal, could H or A not do the washing up?

----------


## Pen

It was my turn. To be fair there was not much to do as H and A had forgotten to put out their crockery in the kitchen to be washed.

----------


## Suzi

I understand that, but hunni you can't do it all - if he's too tired to work, then maybe he could do the washing up instead? See what I mean? Are you resting today?

----------


## Pen

Not exactly resting...
So far
Walked dog
Washed the bases of the Potters wheels and the floor round them
Washed the studio windows
Washed all the containers with throwing tools and the shelves they are on.
Washed most of the middle section of the table
Washed the floor under the tables
Cleared out the rubbish from the corners
Washed the aprons and another load of towels
Sorted through a load of old pottery
I am not on my own though H is sorting and washing as well.
This afternoon I have the rest of the tables to wash, clean the toilet, vacuum and wash the rest of the floor, wash a load of throwing battle and find homes for all the stuff we have moved. I hope to be finished by 9 tonight.

----------


## OldMike

I'm breathless just reading what you've done so far, Pen just add _put feet up while savouring a cup of tea/coffee_ to the top of your to do list  :O:

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart why cram all this into one day when you know that doing too much causes you issues with your mental health?

----------


## Pen

Because I have to.

----------


## Suzi

All in one day?

----------


## Pen

Well h made me sit down and sculpt for a while. Made 2 foxes, a badger and a hedgehog lol

----------

OldMike (15-04-18)

----------


## Suzi

Glad you sat.....

----------


## Pen

Right sort of resting today. Been up to Boots to get my meds, into Morrisons to get some human food, down to pets at home for some animal food and then into Costa for lunch. This afternoon I am going to try and get the flipping talk finished, there is only a couple of weeks left. so now to prepare a section on toilets  :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

Oh yes, resting indeed lol....

----------


## Pen

Well it took 6 hours but I am finally happy that I have a talk I can give to the oaps at the end of the month, with just a few last minute tweeks.

----------


## Paula

Well done. So, time to put your feet up?w

----------


## Suzi

So, rest now?

----------


## Pen

Been doing a bit of sewing. Feeling a bit rocky tonight.

----------


## Pen

Morning. 
I am such a mountain useless person. I am scared to pull my finger out and call the local gift shop who have agreed to take my work. I am a useless housekeeper with the carpets and surfaces thick with dust. I am a useless administrator with piles of people's work waiting to be collected it only I got round to contacting them and receipts scattered when they should be in the box. And finally I should not be wasting your time here when there are so many people on here that need your time and I am so useless at being involved with helping others.

----------


## magie06

Who says? I could say the same things about myself but I've stopped and I'm now trying to look on all the good things that I am able to do. So what if you have a bit of dust? You run a very successful business, so you should be proud of yourself for that. You have 2 helpers so you should start to use their talents and abilities to help you in your business. What have they studied in college? If they've done maths to GCSE level then they should be able to help with the ordering and even taking money from clients and even with the accounts. I know its your business but use the help you have around you. If you keep going like you are you will only collapse. Please ask for more help.

----------

Jaquaia (16-04-18),Suzi (16-04-18)

----------


## Suzi

I completely agree with Magie. You are very far from useless in every way.... Oh and you aren't "wasting" our time. We care about you..

----------


## S deleted

Hey I’m not having that. You’re not useless it’s the people around you constantly letting you down who are useless. You have a hubby who seems to forget that you exist most of the time except when he needs you to wipe his backside for him. H & A are grown up enough to get married but act like teenagers using your home as a hotel. If the people around you started pulling their weight instead of leeching off you maybe your life would be more manageable. You aren’t the problem, they are and it’s time to get tough and tell them to start pulling their weight.

----------


## Pen

Dont know how to respond to that.

----------


## Suzi

Are you getting any more help?

----------


## Pen

Hey did throughly wash the studio floor today. I went to friends for dinner but when I came home it was my turn to wash up and then I went and cleaned the bathroom.  I could not vacuum though ad H was asleep

H has been in a really bad mood for the last few days and been drinking a lot.  I told A I was going out cause I could not bear to be around her. When I got home he said she was feeling unappreciated. I nearly said join the bloody club!

----------


## Suzi

So what is A spending his time doing? Why are you washing up if you didn't eat at home? 
Sweetheart you seem to be doing a lot of the general housekeeping as well as running the studio, teaching, making your own pieces, updating social media, etc etc etc  This isn't a fair division of labour!

----------


## Pen

The person who has kitchen duty clears up regardless of if they made the mess. That way we don't get into fights about who made what mess.
I am not on kitchen duty again till Friday.
A spends his time sitting in their sitting room playing games or applying for jobs. Sometimes he goes over to his friends to help them with their new home. On a Wednesday he does 3 hours of work for me. H does 10 hours. I also have E who does 2 hours, J who does 4 of the classes and M who helps with classes as well.
A like most men can go totally blind to things that need doing. H left a pile of their stuff on the stairs but for the last 2 days he has carefully climbed over it. Tonight I have left it against their bedroom door but I wouldn't be surprised to see it still there in the morning.

I decided today that I would buy that drawing table. I felt I had earned it.

----------


## Suzi

It still feels really unfair that you are the chief income earner, provide a roof, deal with everything that owning a business entails and still have to do the washing up and clean the bathroom! 
Can you sit everyone down and just say that currently you're struggling with your own mental health and trying to do too much and maybe they could help a bit too...

----------

S deleted (17-04-18)

----------


## Pen

The trouble is that they would just throw back at me that they have mental health problems as well and I don't appreciate that they do a lot of stuff.

----------


## Paula

Do they pay rent?

----------


## Pen

Yes they pay rent

----------


## Pen

I have told them I am taking them to Costa on Wednesday afternoon for a family meeting. I think it would be better to be in neutral ground. It is not so easy for them to storm off!

----------


## Paula

Good plan

----------


## Suzi

I'm really pleased! Good plan lovely.

----------


## Pen

I am hiding in the studio as H and A are cleaning the house!!!

----------

S deleted (17-04-18)

----------


## Suzi

Awesome!!!!

----------


## Angie

Brilliant

----------


## Pen

Why do customers think it's perfectly acceptable to ring at 8.45 in the morning.

----------


## Suzi

Lol -maybe you need clearer hours posted lol

Good luck for the family meeting today!

----------


## Paula

Do you have a separate number for customers? If so, could you send all to voicemail before you open?

----------


## Angie

Do you have clear opening hours ?

----------


## Pen

> Do you have a separate number for customers? If so, could you send all to voicemail before you open?


Unfortunately i dont.

The family meeting went well. I got all 3 of us to write a list of everything that has to be done in the house and another one of everything in the business. Between the 3 of us we made a comprehensive list. I wanted the two of them to appreciate the amount of work the business takes and so they could help to spread the load. Once we had the list we went through allocating tasks.
In the house I wash up on Fridays and Mondays. I am responsible for keeping the hall tidy and vacuuming it. They will do the rest. A is going to do more hours in the studio and I have offered my friend arty two more hours paid work to wash the studio floor and clean the toilet. So we will see how it goes!

----------

S deleted (19-04-18)

----------


## S deleted

So proud of you for taking charge of this. How do you feel now that it’s been sorted?

----------


## Suzi

That's really brilliant! I'm so pleased you did this and that everyone's on board with helping out a bit more! Well done lovely!

----------


## Paula

Well done, Pen, youve done brilliantly

----------


## Pen

I don't know what to do and need some advice.
On a Friday afternoon a friend runs the two classes. H and I cleaned the studio and had everything (so we thought) all ready. When she arrived however she complained that it would be helpful if when she arrived that the studio was clean and ready for her. I pointed out that we had but she complained that there were 4 unwashed cups and some tools and brushes in the sink.
I am quite upset about her comment.
I feel that a few unwashed cups and tools in a working studio is not the end of the world, however she obviously feels differently.
I don't know whether to just let it ride over me and make sure the sink is clean before she comes.
Or say something and risk upsetting her and possibly losing her. She is going to be away during most of the next month anyway.
I think I am particularly barker as a: another friend who loves washing up was coming to help at the session and b: I pay her extra for these sessions. She suffers from ME. But also had a thing about things being clean.

----------


## Paula

I have 2 questions for you. 1. What do you feel you should do (not whats practical but actually what you want) 2. Whats your profit margins? I.e. is it really worth it financially to carry the classes on?

----------


## S deleted

She is YOUR employee, in YOUR studio, taking YOUR classes. She might be a clean freak in her own home but she’s in your environment and it’s up to her to adapt. Of course on the other hand I can understand her not wanting to clean up someone else’s mess but does that mess prevent her from carrying out the duty she is paid to do? I guess it doesn’t hurt to give her a clear sink and may be a good practice but at the same time it’s you who should be calling the shots not her.

----------


## Suzi

I have to agree with the others. If it's that much of an issue then she could have just moved them out of the sink.....

----------


## Pen

Yes, she could have moved them into the bowl under the sink.
Now I have had time to breathe I have decided that I wont say anything. I am making a mountain out of a molehill. I dont have to accept her criticism, if she has a problem with the setup that is her problem not mine.

----------


## Suzi

I think I'd have said something lol

----------


## Paula

I know its easier to not say anything but she was out of order and Id have said something too. However, if leaving it is better for your mental health, then I can completely understand why you would

----------

S deleted (21-04-18)

----------


## Pen

I have said something on messenger. Not got any comment back from that but then I also pointed out i was overpaying her and that was more of a concern.

----------

S deleted (21-04-18)

----------


## S deleted

Haha, I’m not sure that messenger is the professional way of dealing with it but well done for bringing it up. Funny how she can moan about a dirty sink but conveniently stays quiet about being overpaid.

----------


## Suzi

Oh no! I hope you haven't got a problem by paying her too much...

----------


## Pen

Well that did not end well.
We spoke on the phone today, she basically said that I was difficult to work for and if I wanted her to continue to run the Tuesday and Saturday classes she wanted a 25% payrise. I talked it over with H and we decided that we would take back running these classes ourselves. She will still run the two special classes on a Friday. If she decided that she does not want to run them as well then they will have to stop.

----------


## Suzi

Sorry hunni, but I think it might be for the best...

----------


## Pen

Yes we think so too. I think the final straw was finding out something that she had done without consulting me. On Saturdays she ran two classes. At the end of the first class I went out and I expressed my surprise that there was very little money in the honesty pot that we use for people to put their fees in. I was not accusing anyone just wondered if the notes had been out in the tin. J however seemed to have taken this as an accusation that she was not checking the takings. After the class she contacted all the students to ask if they had paid. She did not consult me about this. If she had I would have told her not to. She has implied to a loyal regular group that we don't trust them...

----------


## Suzi

Omg! That's terrible! Definitely not a good look for the business at all!

----------


## Paula

Maybe you need to inform to this group that that the email shed sent was sent in error and you apologise if it seemed you were concerned about their willingness to pay. Sometimes a preemptive strike can ease any ruffled feathers itms.

As to the classes she will still be taking, can you trust her after this? It is, after all, your name and professionalism thats at stake

----------

S deleted (26-04-18),Suzi (26-04-18)

----------


## Suzi

That's a really good idea Paula..

----------


## Pen

Oh when we see them we will tell them.

----------


## Suzi

I agree with Paula a pre-emptive strike might be better. Not sure I'd want to go back somewhere if they were questioning my honesty....

----------


## Pen

The group were fine about it.  They love pottery too much to be worried.
It's been a couple of really busy days. With the two classes yesterday and two parties today.  I never usually take 2 parties in one day but there was a booking mixup. Thankfully my friend M could help. I will pay her for today as I could not have coped without her. The first party was for 11 year old girls. Normally my maximum is 8 but she brought 10 kids. Did did say that her other 2 kids could sit and watch but I am not that cruel! It did mean I was out in the studio at 9.30 this morning rearranging things to make sure I could squeeze them in. The party was for 11 but they turned up at 10.40 whilst I was still washing tables.  The second party was at 2 and was, I thought 5 adults. 8 turned up. M and I had to do some frantic rearranging of the kids party makes. The adults arrived 30 minutes early...
We finally packed them off at 4 o'clock. 
I am wondering if I charge enough.  This is the first time I have paid M for her invaluable work. We make a good team. Her supervising the hand building whilst I give everyone in turn a chance to make something on the wheel. However paying M makes quite a dent in the profit.  For the kids hour and a half party I charge £70 for up to 5 kids then £13 a child thereafter. For adult and family parties which are 2 hours I charge £80 for up to 5 people and £13 per person thereafter.  I am thinking of making it £16 per person. I have no idea what people would find a fair price. What do you all think?

----------


## S deleted

So the extra people are currently paying less than the first 5. Definitely need to look at your pricing structure.

----------


## Suzi

I agree, your pricing structure seems very balanced in other people's favour!

----------


## OldMike

£16 for two hours (I think it is 2 hours) is more than fair because you supply all the materials as well, plus there's kiln time plus all the preparation you do too.

----------


## Pen

> So the extra people are currently paying less than the first 5. Definitely need to look at your pricing structure.


The first few includes setup costs which is why extras cost less. I think if you have 8 people it works out at £15 a head.

----------


## Pen

> £16 for two hours (I think it is 2 hours) is more than fair because you supply all the materials as well, plus there's kiln time plus all the preparation you do too.


I have been looking at the competition. Our local paint your own pottery shop has closed and they now just visit people's venues for parties. They charge £10 a head but it does not say if that covers the cost of the pottery as well. Other potters further afield charge between £18 and £25 a head. However the higher costing one includes food.
I have been looking at the competition. Our local paint your own pottery place charges

----------


## S deleted

I think £15-16 a head is reasonable.

----------


## Pen

Just done my talk to the oap s in the next village. 70 of them. Only a few fell asleep but I forgive them as it was quite warm. A lot of people came up at the end to say how interesting it was.

----------

OldMike (30-04-18),S deleted (30-04-18)

----------


## Suzi

Wow! Well done lovely!

----------


## Pen

Really feel like I am heading off the cliff again. I have been working without a day off for the last 18 days. Not solidly in the studio but spending at least a few hours in there every day. Last night another order came in for 12 sheep, 10 small cows and 2 big ones. I have not yet rebuilt my stocks from the last orders. I had scheduled today to make sheep anyway. 
On Sunday I will be taking a friend and her 2 girls to an art exhibition in Bristol. Yesterday whilst taking my dad out he asked what I planned to do on the bank holiday.  My answer was SLEEP!

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart you have to find a way of saying no and balancing your work and health. You know that working too long and too hard is a massive trigger for you. 

 :(bear):  When are you having a complete rest day?

----------


## Pen

I intend to have a chill out day on Monday. however I only managed 6 of the 12 sheep and no of the big cows so may have to work on Monday to get the order complete. I am missing having J take the daytime classes!

----------


## Paula

Can you drop any of the classes? You are only one person after all

----------


## Suzi

I agree with Paula... You need to look at your schedule..

----------


## Pen

I can't drop any of the classes they would lynch me!!!

----------


## Pen

I did manage to make the last six sheep for the order during tonight's class and I only have one hour and a half class tomorrow so should manage the two cows tomorrow.

----------


## Suzi

Could you merge a couple of them? Just to give you a bit more time?

----------


## Pen

For a variety of reasons I can't merge them. M is covering this afternoon's group so I am having a rest. This has been brought on by a nagging pain in my leg. Going to see the doctor later this afternoon. Unfortunately it's a doctor I don't like but beggars can't be choosers.

----------


## Suzi

What have you done to your leg? 
Can you get others to teach a class? What about final year students or similar?

----------


## Pen

I don't know what i have done to my leg and not did the doctor.
Went off my head last night. Snuck out the house and went for a long walk. Did not really know why or where I was going, my mind was just 'not there' I think I was going to walk to the motorway bridge and consider throwing myself off. I walked about 4 miles before I got too tired to go any further and found myself a spot by the main road to sit and watch the traffic. Of course the police showed up. A came and fetched me home.

----------


## Paula

Oh hunni, you really, really have to find an easier way to run your business. Its clear you really struggle when youve overdone it and your health is so much more important than Work, no matter how much you love what you do. It seems to me that you urgently either have to get at least one other person to help you run the classes, get H really up and running with making the cows etc or cut the number of classes (or a combination thereof). You cannot carry on like this .....

----------


## Suzi

Completely agree with Paula

----------


## OldMike

I agree with Paula too, get Hanne making cows and sheep to take the pressure of you.

----------


## Pen

I know you are all right. However at the moment i am just going through hell.  All day I have gone between spells of hyperactivity when I have just wanted to slash my wrists and utter exhaustion when I have just had to crash on the sofa. During the active phases I have sewed a patch on my beanbag pouffe and cleaned my sitting room. I did put my shoes on with the intention of driving to my favourite Costa for tea but then realised I am still too off my head to be safe to drive.

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart can you use something like your crisis box? The crisis team? Samaritans? Anything to keep you safe?

----------


## Pen

I have taken a lorazepam when I felt like walking out. I have considered calling the crisis team this evening but the lorazepam has helped. I been able to do a bit of cross stitch since I took the tablet.

----------


## Suzi

Good. I'm glad.... Can you mark a day for pure rest please?

----------


## Pen

Hubby has taken me to the huge car boot sale.  We can't get out of the car park.  Several thousand cars trying to leave through one gate.

----------


## Pen

That turned into a bit more activity today than I would have liked! Now feeling quite exhausted.

----------


## Paula

I hope youre going to sit down with a cuppa and rest then

----------


## Suzi

I hope you're resting too lovely

----------


## Pen

My son and his gf have been here since 4. They have just left. My anxiety is rising along with thoughts about how nice it would be to be dead.

----------


## Suzi

Hunni have you called a helpline or found a way to distract?

----------


## Pen

I never know what to say if I ring a helpline. I am too ashamed to ring the intensive support team. Anyway made it through the night.

----------


## Paula

Why are you ashamed, lovely? Its not your fault youre ill and, tbh, its their job to listen and help you!

----------


## magie06

Would it help to text a helpline number? I know in my last crisis it helped me enormously.

----------


## Suzi

You have nothing to be ashamed of lovely... Can you get an appointment to see the Dr and tell them what you've been telling us?

----------


## Pen

I have been emailing the Samaritans

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you've been in contact with someone - but will you consider going back to the GP? Or calling the crisis team? 
Can you just rest and distract for today?

----------


## Pen

There is no point in trying to go back and see the GP firstly it is unlikely that I would get an appointment anytime soon and secondly the only thing they would tell me to do is to try and take things easier and not take on so much work. I know all this already so it is just wasting their time. I have brought this on myself which is why I feel ashamed.

----------


## Suzi

So instead of feeling ashamed, can you work out a plan so you don't run yourself into the ground again?

----------


## Pen

You'd think so wouldn't you. I keep making plans but then are useless at keeping them

----------


## Suzi

You're going to have to be stricter with yourself lovely...

----------


## Paula

A side effect of working where you live, I suppose. I know H has her own health problems but is she up to taking over the adm8n side of the business?

----------


## Pen

Lol. I gave H responsibility of looking after our Facebook group for people who have been in courses. That was some months ago and she has done nothing. So I really don't think I could give her the admin.

----------


## Suzi

What about hiring an accountant? Or a virtual admin?

----------


## Pen

No i can't afford one.

----------


## Paula

How does the cost compare to, say, having to pay for someone to cover more classes because youre exhausted? Can you afford to completely crash and have to cancel classes?

 Hunni, it seems clear to us all that you have to change how youre doing this, to have to actually commit to changes rather than putting it to one side to deal with another day.  Im sorry if it sounds harsh but you have this cycle where you crash, open up to us, admit you need help, get a bit better and forget about all the lessons you learned during the crash. Then you keep pushing until the next crash and the cycle repeats.

You simply cannot continue to do this and I, for one, care too much about you to let you carry on without saying something in the hope it sinks in

----------


## Pen

Most of the admin is automated and actually does not take much time. What really does eat into my time is dealing with the work the students create during the classes. It is surprising the amount of time I spend rearranging drying work so it dries evenly, loading the kilns, unloading the kilns, checking that students have cleaned glaze off the bottom of pots, repairing work that has been damaged during drying, clear glazing work from parties and introductory sessions, marking pieces up from parties etc so they can be reunited with their makers eventually. I would really like H to work more hours and do all this but it needs doing everyday and she is unwilling to work more hours.

----------


## Suzi

I completely agree with Paula. 
What about getting a student in to help?

----------


## Pen

Had a really bad day today. I made an emergency appointment with the docs but she was no help.

----------


## Suzi

What happened lovely? What did they say?

----------


## Pen

She did not know what to say.  Just told me to call the Crisis team.  However this morning she has asked the office staff to get me an appointment with the mental health nurse this afternoon.

----------


## Pen

I called the crisis team this morning. Had a chat. He pointed out the obvious that I need to cancel classes or make other arrangements till I recover. Seeing the M H nurse at 3. I have a half hour appointment so hopefully it will help. Hubby stayed the night last night as he decided he could not leave me in the state I was in. I am at a loss to know what to do about tonight's class. H is suffering from period and kidney pains, M who has been helping out with other classes has to work till 10 tonight. Can't decide if I should run it myself, ask I if she can cover or cancel.

----------


## Suzi

Can H not take a couple of painkillers and at least help if you decide to run it? 

I'm really glad you have an appointment and that the crisis team are aware...

----------


## Pen

I have cancelled it after discussing it with both the MH nurse and the crisis team. I am going back to see the nurse on Tuesday.

----------


## Paula

Good  :(bear):

----------


## Suzi

How did you get on with the mh nurse?

----------


## Pen

Ok. She has suggested taking 2 lorazepam a day to help with the suicidal thoughts. I only have 4 so she is sending a prescription directly to the chemist for me to pick up on Saturday for another 6 so I don't have enough to overdose. I have agreed that I need to rein in activities for the next few days. I have a party booked for Tuesday but I have just emailed them to say that the doctor has signed me off sick. Not totally accurate but she did offer yesterday. I will see the MH nurse again on Tuesday when she hopes I will have recovered enough to talk about finding a way to stop this cycle.

----------


## Paula

That al sounds like a plan. Im proud of you for getting the help you need  :):

----------


## Suzi

That's really positive lovely...

----------


## Pen

Just had a very angry dad on the phone....

----------


## OldMike

Reducing your work load seems like a good plan Pen, hopefully in a few days things will be a bit more settled.

----------


## S deleted

What’s up with the old man? I totally get how difficult a choice it is to cancel work right now but I think you’ve done the right thing for you. Make sure you take these few days to look after you and put yourself first.

----------


## Pen

I had to back down and agree to run the party on Tuesday

----------


## S deleted

But nothing else booked in before that?

----------


## Pen

A two hour class from 1 to 3. Party from 4 to 5.30 then another class from 7 till 9

----------


## Paula

Thats not exactly taking time off sick ....

----------


## Suzi

I can understand why he'd be upset. Can you cancel the classes and "just" run the party?

----------


## Pen

No. However H will help with the class in the afternoon. M and H will run the evening. The parents have agreed to help with party so hopefully it will all be alright on the night. M has agreed to run the Tuesday and Wednesday evening classes and both the weekend classes. I only have to run the Tuesday afternoon and Thursday evening, which to be honest pretty well run themselves.

----------


## S deleted

To be fair you’ve done all in your power to reduce your workload while keeping the business running and I commend you on that. Please look after yourself over the weekend and stay away from the studio.

----------

Paula (11-05-18)

----------


## Pen

I have a head full of cotton wool. It feels like i have been given something to anesthetize me (I hadn't by the way) it feels like you could cut my arm off and I would not know. It's weird. Been trying to keep myself sane by planning an extension to the studio. As I am getting more manufacturing work i am thinking of building a workshop on the side where I can make stuff without having to clear away all the time for the classes and where I can safely store my products during and after manufacture. My own personal studio that customers cannot access.

----------


## Paula

While it sounds like a great plan for the future, Im not sure thats something you should be focusing on at the moment .....

----------


## S deleted

Agree with Paula.

----------


## Pen

Don't worry I won't be rushing into anything but it is something positive to focus on rather than contemplating my death.

----------


## Suzi

If you're struggling with those thoughts, call the crisis team - use their support. If they don't know how bad things are for you then they won't be able to help support you...

----------


## Pen

I am feeling a little better this morning despite a tough night with Ember scratching almost continuously! So I am going to tackle ratifying last year's accounts and doing my tax return.

----------


## S deleted

That’s not taking a break from work! Pen you need to step away from all that for a while and focus on you.

----------

Flo (12-05-18),OldMike (12-05-18),Paula (12-05-18)

----------


## OldMike

Pen can you do something that's not work related like read a book or do some sketching. I like the idea of a separate studio for your own art, that's something to aspire to when you've got yourself well again. This may have been proffered before can't H do your accounts.

----------

Flo (12-05-18)

----------


## Pen

I don't think I will be doing any work today. I woke up thinking I had a full cutlery drawer of spoons. A walk round the park and then going round the co op has disabused me of that. I am exhausted again. I had to go in the studio to put my frozen stuff away. Of course they were all asking if I was better and what was wrong. It's still a sad sign that I could not tell them. If I had cancer I would get sympathy but with this lot I am sure I would get lots of useless advice. Everyone thinks they are an expert when it comes to telling someone with a mental health problems what they should do to get better.

----------


## S deleted

Oh yes. I hear ya. Everyone is an expert and like to offer their wisdom. I know what you mean about the spoon dilemma. I often think I can take on the world but 5 mins into the first task reality strikes and reminds me I’m not as good as I thought.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  Oh hunni.. I am glad you're not going to be working today - can you spend the time resting and recharging and keeping you safe?

----------


## Pen

> Oh hunni.. I am glad you're not going to be working today - can you spend the time resting and recharging and keeping you safe?


I will try. The problem when I start to feel better is after 5 minutes rest I am ready to dash off and do something again. Then like Stella realise that I am possibly not as good as I thought.

----------


## Suzi

How's the resting going?

----------


## Pen

I am trying. I have been catching up on tv and sewing this afternoon.

----------


## Suzi

Whilst resting? Was it TV and sewing for enjoyment?

----------


## Pen

Yes. Doing my cross stitch. It's the only sewing I am able to do.

----------


## Pen

Having a bit of a wobble tonight. This is frustrating. Taken a lorazepam now feel my head is no longer attached to my body. Fed up with feeling like this.

----------


## Suzi

Are you planning to rest tomorrow? Can you get your husband to stay with you? Or call the crisis team?

----------


## Pen

I will need to go and get my meds tomorrow but I was planning a quiet day apart from that. However as many quiet days as I have I don't seem to be getting any better. I can't sleep tonight.

----------


## Suzi

Thing is, you're probably over tired and over stressed lovely. You need the rest...

----------


## Paula

Its still early days with this particular spike, lovely, youre doing all the right things  :(bear):

----------


## Pen

Trying to do a bit more today.Got my meds, been in The Range, had lunch in Costa, dusted, tidied and vacuumed my bedroom and got a load of washing on. Treated myself to some new drawing pens so planning to do some art now.

----------


## S deleted

The Range is fab for their arts and crafts stuff and so much cheaper than most places. We’ve got a huge store about 15 miles from here that’s so big you could get lost in it.

----------


## Pen

My Range is about 2 miles away. FAR too close! ! I spend far too much money in there! Unfortunately the Range forced our local art shops to close however about 10 miles away is a wyevale garden centre (I use the term garden loosely here as garden stuff is definitely in the minority in it now) which has a large arts and crafts shop which aims to stock what The Range does not. It is also VERY dangerous for me to go there as well!!

----------

magie06 (13-05-18)

----------


## S deleted

Sounds like a dream store for you. Plants and paints lol

----------


## Pen

Yes both of them are. Had to stop myself heading for the garden section when I was in the Range. As it was I only went in for a £1.99 sketch pad and spent £27.

----------


## S deleted

Yep that’s about right lol

----------


## Suzi

Hope the art is helping lovely...

----------


## Pen

It did but going downhill tonight.

----------


## S deleted

I find evenings are hardest too.

----------


## Suzi

What are you doing tonight to keep you safe?

----------


## Pen

I did try some drawing but I can't focus. Just want to cry tonight.

----------


## Suzi

:Panda:  :Panda:  :Panda:

----------


## OldMike

Hope you're feeling a little better today Pen  :(bear):   :Panda:

----------


## Pen

Gone back to work today. Just about coping with being on my own with my headphones on.

----------


## Paula

How many hours are you planning today?

----------


## Suzi

Are you well enough to be back at work?

----------


## Pen

> Are you well enough to be back at work?


I don't know but I coped ok with a little bit of glazing and some admin. Just had a shock when I discovered I have a private lesson booked in for 7. So working more hours than I intended today.

----------


## Suzi

Hope the lesson went well and you're now resting...

----------


## Pen

Just got back. Very tired now.

----------


## Suzi

Have you eaten? Can you rest?

----------


## Pen

I have eaten but it's my day to do the washing up so just going to go and do it.

----------


## Suzi

But if you've been teaching and working, surely someone else could do it whilst you are so poorly?

----------


## Pen

No. We have a zero silence rule about the washing up. If it's your turn you do it. No excuses.
Really struggled to wake up this morning. I knew I was dreaming and I wanted to wake up but it was like i was caught in the Matrix and could not escape! 
All the time I have been poorly I have had a problem with a tick in my eye. Yesterday it was gone but it's back today.

----------


## OldMike

But surely if A and H see you're poorly they should offer to do the washing up.

----------


## Pen

No does not work like that.
Been to see the MH nurse this morning.

----------


## Suzi

How did you get on with them?

----------


## Pen

Nothing to report really.  She said I should slow down but we both agreed that was probably impossible.

----------


## Suzi

Can you try to cut back at least a bit?

----------


## Pen

Well I have run one class and a party for 6 years olds this afternoon. H has banished me to the house for the evening whilst she and my friend M run tonight's class.

----------


## Paula

Good on H

----------


## Suzi

YAY for H!

----------


## Pen

Helped M run the class tonight. Enjoyed it. Feel I am on the mend tonight.

----------


## Suzi

Glad you're feeling better, but hunni have you even taken 1 full day off?

----------


## Paula

Thats really good to hear  :):

----------


## Pen

> Glad you're feeling better, but hunni have you even taken 1 full day off?


Yes I took a while week off on Exmoor last year.

----------


## Suzi

I meant during this crisis, but seriously the fact it's been that long should tell you something....

----------


## Pen

I did take some days off during the crisis as I just could not work. Of course now I am better I am trying to catch up with what should have been done whilst I was ill. I wanted to get a stock of cows ready for the next orders before I go away at the beginning of June. I have got 12 made in the last two days. But I am behind on my manufacturing schedule I drew up at the end of April.
Tomorrow morning I have a party for 5 kids. Not looking forward to it as I will not have an assistant.

----------


## Paula

Surely, as its your own company, any manufacturing schedule you created can be updated to allow for the fact youve been ill?

----------


## Pen

Yes but I need to have product available ready for the next orders.
Btw. One of my customers said that the cows were positioned so they are the first thing people see and once they have seen how cute they are they have smiles all round.

----------


## Paula

They are very cute  :):

----------


## Suzi

They are awesome! 

Please, please, please don't push yourself so hard that you crash lovely.... Why don't you have an assistant for tomorrow?

----------


## Pen

> They are awesome! 
> 
> Please, please, please don't push yourself so hard that you crash lovely.... Why don't you have an assistant for tomorrow?


Because she works full time and is unavailable.

----------


## Suzi

What about H or A?

----------


## Pen

Arty came and helped so it was ok.

----------

S deleted (18-05-18)

----------


## Suzi

Hooray for Arty! That was kind!

----------


## S deleted

Good on Arty.

----------


## Pen

Ordered the new shed\workshop today. Bought some more plants for the garden and bought pet food so I have spent over £1000 today

----------


## OldMike

It was good Arty helped you out.

I've never bought a shed but I shouldn't think you'd get much change out of £1000.

----------


## Pen

No especially as they are building it as well. It is being customised for me as well.

----------

OldMike (18-05-18)

----------


## Pen

Spent much of the afternoon working on the garden. Built a new water feature for the pond. Brought the dogwood back under control, cleaned up an obilsk planted several pots. Feeling happy that I can finally get some of the jobs that have been waiting done.  Just to spend an hour watering now and I can finally sit down and rest

----------


## Paula

Pictures?

----------


## Suzi

I'd love to see pics too! 
Hope your feet are well and truly up!

----------


## Pen

I'm trying to get the videor posted on Facebook but I am struggling.  Yes I have my feet up  :(rofl):

----------


## Pen

Ok. The videos are on Facebook

----------


## Pen

M and H are running today's classes. That means I have effectively 3 days without classes!

----------


## OldMike

Wooo hooo 3 days doing exactly what you want, sounds good Pen.

----------


## Suzi

Hooray for 3 days off!

----------


## Pen

i don't know what to do with myself!

----------


## Paula

Long walks? Go shopping/mooching in one of the lovely villages in your area?

----------


## Pen

I can't get the car off the drive for customers in the way. Anyway H has just been sick so will need to take over the class

----------


## OldMike

Oh dear Pen is there no one else who can step in?

----------


## Suzi

Oh no! Hope it's an easy one...

----------


## Pen

It was. Feeling a bit rocky tonight. Think I may have done too much today.

----------


## Suzi

Oh sweetheart, I hope you're resting. If you need it use the crisis team lovely....

----------


## Pen

I'm ok. Just overtired I think

----------


## Suzi

How are you doing today lovely?

----------


## Paula

Are you resting today?

----------


## Pen

> Are you resting today?


Sort of. Been out to get compost, my meds and some shorts (failed on the shorts). Then spent an hour in Costa watching catch up tv, eating lunch and writing in my journal.
Back home now and chilling on the sofa.

----------


## Paula

I suppose for you thats resting  :O:

----------


## Suzi

Glad you took some time out at lunchtime!

----------


## Pen

Went out at 4 and have spent a pleasant 4 hours gardening. I find gardening very mindful. My plants are like children to me (actually I probably talk more to my plants than I do my children! )

----------


## Suzi

I talk to my plants too! Apparently it's when they answer back you have to worry  :O:

----------


## Pen

Oh!!! Mine do! Mind you it's in plant language so that is probably ok.
Here we are another day on planet earth.

----------

OldMike (21-05-18),Suzi (21-05-18)

----------


## Suzi

Mine do too!  :):

----------


## Pen

Back from getting the results of my blood test with the diabetes nurse. Marginally higher than a non diabetic in the (at risk category) but hugely better than they were. Poor lady she said she would check the pulses in my feet. Well I don't know about you guys but after a few hours in sandals my feet smell! Even I could smell them and I was nearly 6 feet away!

----------


## Paula

Better is great!

----------


## Suzi

> Poor lady she said she would check the pulses in my feet. Well I don't know about you guys but after a few hours in sandals my feet smell! Even I could smell them and I was nearly 6 feet away!


I wasn't expecting a foot check either! I felt exactly the same!

----------


## Pen

Starting to get excited about my week away. I am sure that the weather will demonstrate its typical eccentricity so I have bought a new rain coat and shorts! 3 new books to read (not about pottery) a new sun hat and new sandals. I will either be in the cabin reading or walking the moors.

----------


## OldMike

Shorts and a raincoat like your style nothing like being prepared, are you taking some wellingtons in case it is too wet for sandals  :O: 

I'm sure you'll have a great time Pen  :(bear):

----------


## Pen

> Shorts and a raincoat like your style nothing like being prepared, are you taking some wellingtons in case it is too wet for sandals 
> 
> I'm sure you'll have a great time Pen


Waterproof walking shoes actually  :(rofl):

----------

OldMike (24-05-18)

----------


## Suzi

Sounds lovely! When are you off? Just you and Ember?

----------


## Pen

Monday 4th June. Hubby is coming to.

----------

OldMike (24-05-18)

----------


## Suzi

Nice!

----------


## Pen

I need it. Feeling rocky tonight. Don't want to take the class.

----------


## Paula

Can no one else do it?

----------


## Suzi

Do you enjoy taking classes? You seem to find them hard work... Is it teaching or making your own artwork which you enjoy the most?

----------


## Pen

Sometimes I enjoy them but mostly I enjoy making stuff. Unfortunately I make more money with the classes.

----------


## Suzi

Are there classes you prefer to teach? Could you train H up to take some of the classes? What about students from the uni you attended?

----------


## Pen

There are some I don't mind taking and my friend Max is taking 4 of the classes are week to give me resting time. The one class I really don't like taking is the group for the disabled. J has been taking this but she is away till June so Max has been covering when she can. However she works full time and can only do every other week. I think this week we will have to break it to them that there will be no class for 3 weeks. There will be a lot of grumbles.  I would rather not have J back teaching after what happened but don't see an option.  H said we should discontinue the group but it's a lifeline for the members, and chance to get out of their four walls, meet others, have a laugh and a cuppa and play with mud I don't know if could cope with the guilt! 
Hope is gaining confidence with working with the classes but her anxiety would not let her go solo at the moment.  I am hoping that with time she will.

----------


## Suzi

Can I ask why you don't like teaching the disabled group? 
It's great you have Max who can help out. I wish there was something different I could suggest to help....

----------


## OldMike

Yes I can understand teaching the disabled group could be taxing but it must give you immense satisfaction you've given them a couple of hours of laughs, chat, fun and a brew.

----------


## Pen

Mike that's Why I don't want to close it.

----------


## Suzi

I can totally understand that. What about asking for volunteers from your local volunteer bureau for that class? Maybe some of the others too? You might then be able to help someone and get help yourself?

----------


## Pen

I dont run it. Max runs it with a number of volunteers from my pottery classes. I just find it too stressful to run. One of the members told me he wanted Max to stay and said he did not want J back. I don't know if he was serious though he is a bit of a jester. J will be back running it middle of June.

----------


## Suzi

Sounds like Max is a keeper for the business!

----------


## Pen

Yes she is!

----------


## Suzi

So, how are your moods lovely?

----------


## Pen

Up and down, mainly down. Hubby came over last night. I could have done with just enjoying being with him but he had had an altercation with the people up the tip and wanted someone to rant to. He asked if I had any classes that day, when I said Max had run it he asked if I do ANY work these days. Although I did not react to his comment it started me feeling bad that I don't work hard enough. It's that time of month when I start craving chocolate as well so I am feeling a bit fragile emotionally

----------


## Suzi

That's a mean thing to say! You work more hours than most people I've ever met!

----------


## OldMike

I thought that was a thoughtless thing to say, not only do you do classes there's all the preparation you do plus running a home and walking Ember your days are so full.

----------


## Paula

You work so hard, often to the detriment of your own health! You have nothing to feel bad about

----------


## Pen

It's been a tiring day. I did some work in the pottery and the garden. Tonight I wanted to do some sewing but Ember has insisted on cuddles this evening. I think it's because there has been a thunderstorm around in the distance. I was going to make a water feature this evening but decided in the end that I was too tired and it would have to wait till tomorrow

----------


## Suzi

Maybe you getting some cuddles was Embers way of making you stop?

----------


## Pen

Maybe. I am hoping the weather is good enough tomorrow to get the bike out and cycle to the pharmacy. Getting out on the bike always helps my mood.

----------

S deleted (26-05-18)

----------


## Suzi

What's the weather like for you? Did you manage to get out on the bike?

----------


## Pen

The weather is sticky and damp. Took Ember in the car to get my meds. I will go out to Costa in a bit for lunch but I think it will be in the car as I just feel so tired.

----------


## Suzi

Did you not sleep well lovely?

----------


## Pen

Yes I slept well, I just feel weary. I did Costa and then Asda. I may try and get out in the garden once I have recharged.

----------


## Suzi

What've you got on this week?

----------


## Pen

Naming two cows
Designing and ordering new flyers
Invoicing customers
Shipping cows and sheep
5 classes
vacuuming
Changing the bed
During the kilns
Making more cows
Making a water feature.
Not much really

----------


## Paula

Can we help with the names? Perhaps we give you some ideas and you pick out of a hat?

----------


## Pen

They have to be Scottish girls names and I have used the most common so no Morags please!

Every cow has a unique name. One cow has a sign of John o groats and the other is looking at an owl.

----------


## Suzi

Cows names: Ta dah! http://www.scottishgirlsnames.co.uk/

Can someone else help with the vacuuming? The classes? Do you really need to make another water feature this week?

----------


## Pen

Thanks that's the site I already use :(rofl): 
The vacuuming I will have to do as it's my rooms that need cleaning. Max is running 3 of the classes. I want to try and make the feature as if I can get them right and find the right outlet they could be a good source of income. I think I could make all the component parts in 2 hours. Resin water features in garden centres start at £250 and can go up to £1000 and that's for a mass produced piece.

----------


## Paula

Ok, so the feature sounds a positive plan, but surely waiting another week isnt going to make much difference

----------


## OldMike

Couldn't there be a problem with the weight if you've making ceramic water features of a reasonable size as compared to resin or fibre glass? I certainly like the idea though.

----------


## Suzi

I think they're great, but again I don't see why it has to be this week?

----------


## Pen

It is I think. Next week I am away. The week after is the last week without classes till September. Things are going to get VERY busy over the following 10 weeks with gift shop orders, parties and summer holiday kids club in top of the usual stuff. I have decided that the house cleaning can wait.




> Couldn't there be a problem with the weight if you've making ceramic water features of a reasonable size as compared to resin or fibre glass? I certainly like the idea though.


They are heavier it's true but I don't intend to make them very big and they are no heavier than the rock features you can buy

----------

OldMike (28-05-18)

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad you've given in a bit and aren't going to push the cleaning stuff today too.

----------


## Pen

Water feature thrown. You know when I was at college I told my tutor I was not interested in making bowls and stuff on the wheel of I knew then what I know now it would have been quite different.

----------


## Suzi

You amaze me!

----------


## OldMike

That's brilliant making stuff without a wheel and throwing with one are two different skill sets and increase your versatility. Do you do any ceramics using moulds? I think they're more for mass production and I think you probably like the uniqueness of your items better.

----------


## Pen

I have made a mould which I use to make highland cow wall plaques. But mostly I make unique stuff.
Well today I have spent two hours in the studio, given Ember her bi annual bath, and worked through a bag and a half of compost putting up bedding plants. Arty thinks I should do some vacuuming now!

----------

OldMike (28-05-18)

----------


## Paula

Did you enjoy your time in the studio?

----------


## Suzi

How are you feeling lovely?

----------


## Pen

> Did you enjoy your time in the studio?


Yes I did. It was nice to be making something that was not cows or sheep!




> How are you feeling lovely?


Not too bad. Hubby came over this evening and we got the map out. I was looking for good walks and he was looking for somewhere he could go fishing  :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

Hope you are able to squeeze in some rest time too lovely!

----------


## Pen

Well the holiday had a bit of a setback this morning when the company called to say the accommodation I had booked has been flooded.
They have found us something else but it's further away from exmoor so my plans for long walks on the moors are dashed. It's on a site we went to about 12 years ago and it's lovely with lots of wildlife, local walks and to keep hubby happy.... FISHING. I am a little disappointed as I had plans for exmoor but maybe it will work out better this way as I won't have to worry about keeping hubby entertained. Even so I do feel rather flat at the moment.
The lodge has no wifi either so internet free for a week. I may have to find a local costa or macdonalds!!

----------


## Suzi

You can still do the walks lovely, just maybe not on Exmoor..

----------


## Paula

What a shame but what a relief you werent already there

----------


## Pen

True. I know we will have a lovely time but irrationally I feel less enthusiastic for this break now.

----------


## Suzi

Can you find some other things in the area to look forward to instead of the moors?

----------


## OldMike

Keeping off the internet for a week may be a good thing, you've got lots of local walks and wildlife to look at, I'm sure you'll have a good time.

----------


## Pen

> Can you find some other things in the area to look forward to instead of the moors?


Yes. I know we will have a good time it's just that I was looking forward to getting the head space I found last year again.

----------


## Suzi

I can totally understand that..

----------


## Pen

Well we have run the last class for two weeks. Trying to get the garden straight before I go on Monday

----------


## Suzi

Hooray! That's awesome. Are you all packed and ready?

----------


## Pen

Nope. Not done anything yet :(rofl):

----------


## Suzi

Is hubby still going with you?

----------


## Pen

Yes, he is looking forward to it. It does mean I have to take less art materials as we need room for his fishing gear. Been organising the washing this morning. I seem to be missing a lot of knickers....
I have a list of 12 things to do in the house today to get it ready to leave with H and A. I hate housework!!!

----------


## Suzi

12 things? Are they quick and easy tasks?

----------


## magie06

Take things easy. I'm sure those tasks will get done in time.

----------


## OldMike

> Yes, he is looking forward to it. It does mean I have to take less art materials as we need room for his fishing gear. Been organising the washing this morning. I seem to be missing a lot of knickers....
> I have a list of 12 things to do in the house today to get it ready to leave with H and A. I hate housework!!!


Don't tell me someone's nicked your knickers  :(giggle): 

I'm sure you'll breeze through the 12 things Pen.

----------


## Pen

Mike I am starting to wonder!!!
Suzi they are things like vacuum the stairs, change the bed, clean the car tests and so on.

----------


## Paula

Sorted?

----------


## Pen

Yes done them all and found my knickers!
Spent a couple of hours in the garden and I know I have overdone it as I feel like I am going to burst into tears. However I still need to persuade Mr Tiggs to come home and I need to clear up the kitchen. H has gone to bed early and A had I migraine so I am feeling sorry for myself at the moment.

----------


## Suzi

Is it your day to do the kitchen? I would have thought A could hang around to help. Does he do much to help out at all?

----------


## Pen

It was my day yesterday I have not seen A this eve so done the cleaning. I am a bit annoyed as they tend to sit on their computers all day and turn a blind eye to the cleaning.

----------


## magie06

After your lovely break, you will need to address that.

----------


## Pen

Yes.
Packing day.
Hubby dropped in to ask if I would like to go to the car boot with him. I have too much to do!

----------


## Suzi

It does seem that you do so much of it as well as running your business.... 
When are you off?

----------


## magie06

Is it tomorrow that you head away? Have a brilliant time and don't forget to buy us all a stick of rock!! Lol

----------


## Pen

Heading off about 11 tomorrow

----------


## Suzi

Have a brilliant time, just in case you don't get chance to pop on in the morning! 
Rest, do art, walk and rest.....

----------


## Pen

Yes. I have packed 4 books to read, various drawing pads, charcoals, ink, brushes and my sewing. I have bought a new comfy camping chair so I can just sit by the lakes and chill.

----------


## Suzi

That sounds heavenly!

----------


## Paula

Have a wonderful time!

----------


## Pen

Thank you everyone

----------


## Suzi

Have fun lovely!!

----------


## OldMike

Have a fantabulous holiday Pen  :):

----------


## Pen

Yay I'm back.

----------


## OldMike

> Yay I'm back.


Welcome back, hope you had a great time  :):

----------


## Suzi

Are you feeling any more relaxed? Did you have a lovely time?

----------


## Angie

Good to see you and hop you have had a good time

----------


## Pen

Yes I had a lovely relaxing break although I have come back with a smashed thumb and blisters! Most of the week was spent sitting by the lakes in the wood sewing, reading or drawing.
Back to it with vengeance today though when I saw the state of my bank account I had a fit. I will need to make some changes to the business.

----------


## Suzi

Smashed thumb? Tell all... 
What's up with the business account?

----------


## Pen

I won't bore you with the whole story but I tried to climb down a pile of boulders and put my hand on one to steady myself and it tipped and crushed my thumb.
The problem with the accounts is the old story that my income is less than my spending!

----------


## Suzi

Ouch! Your poor thumb! How's it healing? 

Can you make the accounts balance?

----------


## Pen

The thumb is not so sore however waiting for the nail to come off.
I think I can balance the accounts but I think the disabled group may have to go and be replaced with a proper group.

----------


## Paula

Thats a shame but you have to prioritise your own well being - and that includes financial.

Im so glad you had a relaxing holiday. Did hubby enjoy himself? Have you got any pics we can see?

----------


## Suzi

It is a shame about the disabled group, but you have to be able to keep yourself ticking over...

----------


## Pen

> That’s a shame but you have to prioritise your own well being - and that includes financial.
> 
> I’m so glad you had a relaxing holiday. Did hubby enjoy himself? Have you got any pics we can see?


Yes Hubby and Ember had a great time. I did not take many pics I'm afraid.

----------


## Suzi

Did you get much painting done?

----------


## Pen

> Did you get much painting done?


I did a little but it was not good. Best used for firelighting I think.

----------


## Suzi

I bet that's not the case! I bet they are much better than you think they are!

----------


## OldMike

I agree with Suzi I bet you're paintings are far better than you think they are.

----------


## Pen

:(rofl):  on this occasion I can assure you they are not. However they were good practice at painting in a monochrome with black ink and I may be able to use them as sketches towards anot her painting.

I think this quote is appropriate.  I never lose, either I win or I learn.

Going to see J today to discuss the future of the disabled group.

----------


## Suzi

Hope it goes well.

----------


## magie06

Fingers crossed.

----------


## Angie

Hope its gone ok hun

----------


## Pen

Yes it went fine. She was ok about it all. It will be nice to have her just as a friend rather than an employee.

----------


## Pen

Feeling a bit rocky tonight.  I don't know if the lack of routine or just the worry about the huge amount of work I have to sort out before the classes restart. I have orders for 45 cows now on top of getting the garden straight ready for the charity garden party next week and finishing off a number of pieces I want to go over to a local gift shop.

----------


## Paula

How much are H and A helping at the moment?

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart can you write a list of everything in order of priority - things that you must do, then want to do at the end? Anything that can wait or that can be delegated...

----------


## Pen

I have a list and am working through it however as fast as I cross things off new things appear. H and A have gone away so it's just me, a dog, four dcats, loads of tropical fish and giant African land snails this weekend.

----------


## Pen

Just come back from visiting my old college's end of year exhibition. It gave me a real lift. I bumped into someone who used to come to my art classes and off the back of my class decided to do the course at the college.

----------

Arty (15-06-18),OldMike (15-06-18)

----------


## Paula

So you inspired them. Thats really cool  :):

----------


## Suzi

That's awesome! See, we keep telling you that you're an inspiration!  :):

----------


## Pen

I had a little chat with my old tutor. He has suggested I approach a gallery near Andover to sell my stuff. On line it looks promising.

----------


## Paula

Does he know youre struggling to deal with the work youve already got?

----------


## Pen

> Does he know you’re struggling to deal with the work you’ve already got?


Not of course not. It's the first time I have spoken to him for 2 years  :(rofl):  I am looking for another outlet though.

----------


## Suzi

Why are you looking for another outlet when you are struggling with your workload already?

----------


## Pen

> Why are you looking for another outlet when you are struggling with your workload already?


Cause I want to make enough money to live...

----------


## Paula

Then if you do this, you have to find other ways of managing everything - whether thats properly delegating round the house or with the groups (and making sure people do the jobs theyre tasked with), or getting a cleaner etc

----------


## Suzi

I agree with Paula.. 
Can you make any adjustments to your budgeting to make things easier? 
I know you like to be busy, but more often than not you're doing most of it on your own (apart from the classes one of your friends run) and doing housework too. Sweetheart no one could do all of that and get things ready for groups, deal with the kiln, plant plants etc You are awesome, but you are only human love...

----------


## OldMike

How about raising the prices of your classes and items, have you compared your prices with other places/items, you've probably looked in to this so just a thought.

----------


## Pen

It is something I plan to do as well as asking people to pay on a per term basis.

Apparently things are not cool between me and J... We had a lovely chat on Thursday but she showed up this afternoon when the rest of the crew were over and said she had an announcement to make, that she was leaving and not coming back. She came to collect her stuff. She will not be taking the disabled group which was going to run till September and so I will have to call everyone and say that the group is no more without being able to give them warning. I am quite upset by it all

----------


## Suzi

Do you know why she's changed her mind? 

Do you know anyone else who would be prepared to take it? Is it "just" this class that she was taking? 
So who do you have as staff now and what are their responsibilities?

----------


## Pen

> Do you know why she's changed her mind? 
> 
> Do you know anyone else who would be prepared to take it? Is it "just" this class that she was taking? 
> So who do you have as staff now and what are their responsibilities?


No idea why she has done this. I have no one else who can take a group during the day. She was just taking this class now. It feels a bit like she has cut off her nose to spite her face as I know she has very little money coming in from elsewhere and I would have thought a small guaranteed income for the next 8 weeks was better than nothing.
I have Max who will take 4 of my classes. Arty does some cleaning and H and A do bits and pieces

----------


## Paula

Then your focus has to be on what classes you are able to cover and your pricing structures so that you are actually being paid what youre worth. . Whats done is done - hard as it is - and you need to look forward

----------


## Suzi

I agree with Paula. No point running any classes at a loss - I assume you're paying Max for taking the classes? 
Also paying termly or half termly is common with everything else, so why not with you too? That way if only 1 person turns up then you've still made the same money itms?

----------


## Pen

Yes I pay Max.
Finally finished planting the garden. Hubby has been repainting my garden bench and gate. I left it to him to choose the colour and he has done them in bright purple! Not usually a colour he would choose but I am loving it. However he only got half way along the fence before he ran out so I hope he had a chance to finish it before our charity garden party next Sunday

----------


## Suzi

I love purple! 
Your charity event sounds lovely!

----------


## Pen

Right back to work today!
If I hide under the duvet do you think they will find me?  :(think):

----------


## OldMike

Charity garden parties are fun I went to one up the road here last year and had a really good time.

----------


## Suzi

Hope it's an easy day lovely x

----------


## Pen

The garden party went well.  We raised just over £400. It was an air show in weston on Sunday and of course the football so although I would have liked more people I think we did ok.

----------


## Suzi

Wow! That's awesome! Well done Pen! Hope you've had some time to catch your breath now? The photos look lovely!

----------


## Pen

Thank you. I still feel like the earth is moving faster than I am. Had a letter yesterday about Tax Credits they want me to pay back £2000. Bit of a shocker still have my tax bill of £900 to find so I have to find 3k from somewhere. :(sweat):

----------


## Suzi

What happened? How on earth did they overpay so much? 
Can you arrange a payment plan?

----------


## Pen

Don't know. I think the mistake came from me making more than I expected.  I will be getting my brother in law's money in a few days and I will ask the kids if I can borrow some of it for a few months

----------


## Suzi

At least you have a plan - although they should accept a payment plan too..

----------


## Paula

I can understand why youd want to just pay it off and get rid of it but it may be worth considering a payment plan.

----------


## Pen

Hubby has said I can have his share to pay it off.
A and I went to our local outlet with a load of bits this morning.  Sold £85 of stock that has been kicking around for a bit. However he wants more of the garden birds I had made which I sold to him for £3 each. I am planning ways to increase productivity or I will be making quite a loss! I am planning to have a go tomorrow at making an owl and a robin on the wheel. A goldfinch could be a bit much of a challenge though!

----------


## Suzi

Isn't £3 each far too cheap to be selling them for?
Glad you've sorted the tax bill lovely... 
Are you getting any rest at all?

----------


## Paula

Like most sole traders, youre undervaluing yourself, your skill and your time. Please rethink your pricing, hunni

----------

OldMike (28-06-18)

----------


## OldMike

> Isn't £3 each far too cheap to be selling them for?
> Glad you've sorted the tax bill lovely... 
> Are you getting any rest at all?


I agree with Suzi £3 is way too cheap (birds cheep get it) what with VAT there's scarcely any profit if at all.

----------


## Pen

Mike I love that you think my turnover is high enough that I have to pay vat  :(rofl): . The owls I can make on the wheel really easily and they are quick to glaze  so he can have those for £3. Not mastered a Robin yet but I think it can be done. I will be making moulds for the other birds but he will have to pay more for them.
Very tired at the moment. Been sleeping with my window open and the traffic wakes me at 5.30 am.  I plan to have a rest day today and take my admin down to Costa.
My new workshop is arriving Wednesday and the guys are arriving to put it up on Thursday. 
My BIL's money has arrived so need to pay it inow and then sort out who gets what. It seems there was more money than we thought and H has agreed to let me and Hubby have a cut. It may pay for me to have a few days away in the autumn in London visiting galleries.

----------

Arty (02-07-18)

----------


## Suzi

New workshop? 
I can't believe you're taking a rest day without being nagged about it!

----------


## Pen

> New workshop? 
> I can't believe you're taking a rest day without being nagged about it!


Well large shed. I going to have somewhere I can go to make things without having to spend time trying to find where other people have moved my tools and worrying about my stuff getting knocked by customers. It's only a 6 by 10 shed. It has been suggested we call it the cow shed! A is going to insulate it, fit it out and paint it.  Really excited!

----------


## OldMike

The cow shed  :(giggle):  I think the "potting shed" would be better suited  :O:

----------


## Suzi

Potting shed, love it! 

That does sound exciting! What colour are you painting it?

----------


## Pen

Pale grey with cuprinol purple plum highlights (door frame, eves etc.) White inside.

----------


## Paula

Sounds pretty - and I like Potting Shed too  :O:

----------


## Pen

> Sounds pretty - and I like Potting Shed too


It was my first choice but others like the cow shed.

----------


## Suzi

Awww You should have what you want!

----------


## Pen

Well I don't know what to call it, but it's arriving tomorrow and I am very excited. Been looking at cooling and heating systems for it lol

----------


## Paula

How are you doing at the moment, hunni?

----------


## Pen

Tbh just getting by. Been taking the lorazapan more than I have for a while.  I think I see this new shed as a sort of sanctuary that I can hide in.

----------


## Suzi

I can understand that...  :Panda:

----------


## Paula

Your space that you dont have to share?

----------


## Pen

> Your space that you don’t have to share?


Yes. Although I may have to let A in to help with cow making. But no customers. I hope A realises that he will get no peace until he has fitted out the inside.

----------


## Suzi

Good! You deserve to have somewhere away from customers!

----------


## OldMike

Yes Pen the shed is your sanctuary and access is by invitation only, sounds like a real good idea.

----------


## Pen

So "Pen's Play Pen" for a name :(rofl):

----------

OldMike (04-07-18),Paula (04-07-18)

----------


## Pen

It's arrived. And in true English fashion I am having a cup of tea to celebrate.

----------


## OldMike

> So "Pen's Play Pen" for a name


I like it and it is alliterative too  :O:

----------


## Suzi

Woohoo! I'm excited for you!

----------


## Pen

We have started painting the outsude. Waiting on A to start fitting the insulation, it's really hot though so I think he plans to do it later on.
I have classes every day for the next 10 days. I am trying to decide if I can risk a rest day.

I have decided that it will be named just The Workshop. But I am going to make a plaque with "Quae Figuli Fabrica" in it.

----------


## Paula

What does that mean?  :O: 

I suspect its a risk not to have a rest day ....

----------


## Pen

:(rofl):  :(rofl):  it means The potter's workshop
Yes I decided it was a risk as well so been painting the workshop. I think I may have 5 kids turning up for a class in half an hour.  Not sure though...

----------


## Suzi

I think Paula meant it was a risk to your mh not to have a rest day....

What colour are you painting it?

----------


## Pen

> I think Paula meant it was a risk to your mh not to have a rest day....
> 
> What colour are you painting it?


Ah no I decided it was a risk to have one. Lol.
We are painting it a colour called muted clay. It's a sort of 0ale grey colour. Then we are painting the door, eves and windows purple pansy which is a bold purple colour. It's looking good.
4 kids turned up for the class. I was quite happy running it so I will carry on with it.

----------

OldMike (07-07-18)

----------


## Suzi

Sounds fabulous all round!

----------


## Pen

I am worn out today. Will try and rest but I will need to go shopping at some point.

----------


## Suzi

Can you try to pace a bit lovely?

----------


## Pen

I am exhausted today. Just had a nap as I am do worn out mentally.  Max and H are taking the classes today so I can rest.

----------


## Suzi

Glad you are resting....

----------


## Pen

Been asleep or catatonic for most of the day. Tried to do my cross stitch but I have run out of thread which is annoying as it's an expensive kit and I am careful with my thread.
I am taking H to her mil in a bit and will treat myself to a MacDonald 's and pick up my meds on the back. Then I will have to start a new kit 
 :(sweat):

----------


## Paula

Its infuriating when theres not enough thread  :@:

----------


## OldMike

That is so annoying I've had that problem when sewing on a button when the length of cotton is just too short, see I'm an expert  :(giggle):

----------


## Suzi

Hope you've sorted the thread issues...

----------


## Pen

> Hope you've sorted the thread issues...


I have emailed then will have to wait and see.

----------


## Suzi

How are you feeling today?

----------


## Pen

> How are you feeling today?


Bad. I am very low on spoons today. I need to take a nap but at the same time I need to get everything ready for the party at 2 today. Just having lunch in the hope it might give me some energy. After the party arty wants me to help move furnature to set up her art space.

----------


## Suzi

Can you call in reinforcements to help today?

----------


## Pen

> Can you call in reinforcements to help today?


I always get get someone to help at these parties. I had a new person today hopefully I have not out her off, we had nine people and it was a bit full on!

----------


## Suzi

I'm sure they enjoyed it though! Hope you're resting tonight....

----------


## Pen

OMG.  Smaller party tonight but the 5 of them were more work than the 9 we had last night!
Feeling a bit tearful tonight.  They had fun but it was hard work as they would not do what we told them and things kept going wrong which we had to fix for them.

----------


## OldMike

I suppose that's the way the cookie crumbles sometimes groups are a treat to teach and follow your instructions, others think they know better and like to do things their own way resulting in chaos, good thing is they had fun which is far better than teaching a group of moaning so and so's.

Did you have help with the smaller (if more difficult) group Pen?

----------


## Suzi

Sorry it was tough lovely.. Hope you are able to rest tonight. What've you got on tomorrow?

----------


## Pen

H has ordered me to take the rest of the afternoon and evening off tomorrow after the afternoon class.

----------


## Suzi

That's good that she's making you rest and pace a bit.... How's she doing atm?

----------


## Pen

She seems to be doing OK at the minute.

----------


## Suzi

That's brilliant!

----------


## Paula

> H has ordered me to take the rest of the afternoon and evening off tomorrow after the afternoon class.


Good to hear  :):

----------


## Pen

I hate this ongoing heat. It's making me tearful. Although I stayed out the studio there was still lots to be done today. Dad has gone on holiday so I had to go down and tend his plants. His flat needs a deep clean as well. I would like to do it but I think it will be too much for me in this weather. 
Put up some pictures on my Facebook page of my pocket pets. I want to find a retail outlet for them so I am going to make a "pet pen" for them and see if a local shop might buy them.

----------

OldMike (11-07-18)

----------


## Suzi

The heat is horrible for me too...
Sweetheart you seem to be struggling again with pacing? Did it all have to be done in one day?

----------


## Pen

Well what a day it has been so far. Electricians are here wiring the workshop,  the bin men came up to the studio to collect the bin (I had not put it on the kerbside ) and a TV company dropped by to talk about filming in the studio.... I may need to order more lorazapan to cope with the excitement!   :(whew): 
Oh and it's the companies 3rd birthday today ...

----------


## Suzi

3rd birthday already? Wow!
Filming in the studio? What are they filming?

----------


## Pen

Yes the time has flown by.
They will be filming next Wednesday morning. After it has happened I will tell you all about it but I don't want to jinx it before then.

----------


## Suzi

Sounds exciting!

----------


## Pen

Having a giant meltdown tonight....

----------


## Suzi

Can you distract? Can you call the duty crisis team if you need them? Does anyone else know you're struggling?

----------


## Pen

Gone to bed with my digital jigsaw and my meds. I am just so anxious tonight about everything. Especially money. My bil 's money is keeping my account in credit but take that away and I am overdrawn. I looked at the accounts on Saturday and the company is losing money every month at the moment. I have laid off Max but don't know how I will cope with the holiday groups and parties if I have to go back to working alone.

----------


## Suzi

You know what you're doing with the accounts. Where are you loosing that money? Do the classes cover their own costs?

----------


## Paula

So, your bils money is helping. I know thats not ideal but that does give you some space to work out how to change the situation. Whats the basic issue then - not enough customers? Costs too high? Not charging enough?

----------


## Pen

Customer numbers have been erratic,  wages have been escalating I need to get my head round it.

----------


## Suzi

Are you not charging up front for lessons? You can't survive on an ad hoc basis surely?

----------


## Pen

No I have never charged up front for the classes.

----------


## Paula

Then maybe you need to think about it

----------


## Pen

I am. I have written a letter to go to everyone but it's sorting the details at the moment.

----------


## Suzi

If your classes aren't covering the costs and aren't making any profit then it's just never going to be workable... You're a smart businesswoman lovely, but you aren't thinking with your head on this one...

----------


## Pen

I know but at the moment my head is just full 9f preparations for tomorrow.

----------


## Suzi

Is that the funeral? I hope it goes as well as it can do...

----------


## Pen

Who's funeral? If you mean my bil we cremated him before Christmas!  No I mean the film crew coming to film at the studio.

----------


## Suzi

Of course! Sorry getting muddled with too many people! Sorry!  :):  

Hope it goes well tomorrow lovely x

----------


## Pen

All done. Channel 4 were filming for a show called Coast verses country. The house hunters had expressed an interest in learning pottery so they thought filming them on the wheel would be good fun.

----------

OldMike (18-07-18)

----------


## Paula

How did it go?

----------


## Suzi

That sounds brilliant exposure for you! Did you enjoy it?

----------


## Pen

> How did it go?


Really well :-)

----------


## Pen

> That sounds brilliant exposure for you! Did you enjoy it?


Yes I did, the presenter was scrumptious.... He can show me round houses anytime!!!

----------

OldMike (18-07-18)

----------


## Suzi

So glad it went well, will you be on screen?

----------


## Pen

> So glad it went well, will you be on screen?


Yes possibly I was filmed a lot but it will come down to the editing, however having said that the presenter did as me questions which were filmed so we will have to wait and see. I really don't want to see myself on TV.  I am sure I will look awful

----------


## Paula

I doubt that very much - you always look lovely in your photos

----------


## OldMike

You'll look great I've seen pics of you on FB plus a local video you did _Humans of Weston #32 - Interview with Penny_ you looked brilliant and oozed confidence.

----------

Pen (19-07-18)

----------


## Pen

I was glad to get to bed last night.  My head is racing away with ideas of things to make at the moment. Not enough hours in the day. Another cow order came in last night, I just think I might be able to get ahead with the cows and another order comes in! I am trying to pace (honestly ) by writing a list every day of what to do that day to try and stop myself from going off track and making little animals.

----------


## Suzi

You really do have so many pots on the stove right now. Can you focus on priorities? Can you train H+A to help make the animals?

----------


## Pen

If I train A and H I would have to pay them,  something I can't afford to do at the moment.

----------


## Pen

After yesterday I am just so tired. I have already had a 20 minutes nap before taking Dad out but now I am back I am ready for another one!

----------


## Suzi

The thing is lovely, there's only a certain amount of hours in the day and you and I both know that you running full steam all of the time only ever leads to your health heading to crisis.... Maybe you can't afford not to train them?

----------


## Paula

Pen, lovely, youve got two options, as I see it. You either reduce the amount of work you do or get help- whatever form that help takes. Youre overstretched and that never leads to anything good .....

----------


## Pen

I know but I am on a high at the moment and feel like I can conquer the world single handed. This afternoon I set a new personal best and made 6 cows, including 3 with butterflies in their noses, in under 2 hours. (Previously I was making at a rate of 25 minutes a cow). I sold two owls to Texas and glazed my pocket pet adoption centre whilst running a class. I find it difficult to imagine a crash may come when I am like this.

----------


## Suzi

But you know it will...... Please, please, please try to pace

----------


## Paula

> I find it difficult to imagine a crash may come when I am like this.


And yet your most recent crash was just a couple of months ago. If that had been a couple of years ago, then maybe you could afford to be more complacent but it wasnt, so you cant. Sweetie, you _have_ to start being honest with yourself

----------

OldMike (20-07-18)

----------


## Pen

After the class in a minute I will feed my plants then put my feet up. I think I just don't understand this concept of pacing.

----------


## Paula

Lol, I dont think you do either, which is why we nag  :O:

----------


## Pen

After I have eaten a sandwich I think I may do some housework

----------


## Suzi

How about eat and rest?

----------


## Pen

I had a sandwich.  I had to clean my bedroom floor. The dog hair was thick and the cats had peed on my rug and I needed to do something about the smell. H is suffering with depression again so may be taking tomorrow's classes on my own.

----------


## Paula

Is H getting any treatment?

----------


## Suzi

Is there a particular trigger for her mood crashing?

----------


## Pen

> Is H getting any treatment?


No.  She won't go and see anyone. I think it was triggered by A. She does seem to be pulling out of it a bit now.
I am doing my own dinner tonight but have nothing in I can make. So trying to decide between a peanut butter and jam sandwich or getting into my hot car and fighting through lots of hot kids and frustrated parents to get a macdonalds. I think sandwich is winning at the moment. It's what I had for dinner last night after all.

----------


## Paula

You really are not so good at self care, are you? You need to eat properly ......

Why wont H get help?

----------


## Pen

I don't know why maybe because her downs only last a few days.
I am just not hungry. I can't think of anything that I want to eat.

I am going to a friends house tomorrow to have a meet up. My anxiety is running riot and I don't want to go really.

I don't think they really want me to go.

----------


## Paula

Why dont you think they want you to go?

----------


## Pen

They will have a better time if I am not there. H has said I have two choices, go to the meeting up or go with her and A to a invertebrate show and look at spiders, cockroachs and gaint snails. I think the meet up seems a better option somehow.

----------


## Suzi

Definitely the meetup!  :):  

Can we urge you to put your own self care as important for a while? Why are you only eating sandwiches?

----------


## Pen

Sandwiches and hummus and crisps are the only thing I can face preparing and eating at the moment. Plus I don't see the problem. It's food so fulfils the requirements.

----------


## Paula

Its not a balanced diet and is also not enough to eat - particularly as youre always on the go. What else did you eat yesterday?

----------


## OldMike

^^^ What Paula says

Sandwiches are okay but you need a more varied and balanced diet.

----------


## Suzi

Fruit? Veg? Protein? Sweetheart you need to eat better, sleep and rest more - no one can keep on as you are lovely...

----------


## magie06

Sorry but crap in, crap out. You can't function unless you get the right nutrition's.

----------

OldMike (22-07-18),Paula (22-07-18),Suzi (22-07-18)

----------


## Pen

Crikey... Mass nagging!
Suzi I did have carrot sticks and nuts and raisins as well.
Been to meet the girls. It was ok they didn't stay long and left me and arty with the cream and strawberry cake.
I popped into Lidl on my way hoping to pick up something for dinner but could not find anything. I notice H has bought some eggs though so I might have a omelette later once the cake has worn off

----------


## Suzi

Yes, mass nagging - it's because we all care... 
I'm sure they did have stuff.......

----------


## Pen

I know but I just can't face cooking and eating.

----------


## Paula

Then get something like precooked chicken, microwave rice and pre prepared salad. Quick, simple and nutritious. There are options other than a sandwich, hunni

----------


## Pen

I'm vegetarian so the thought of cooked dead bird does nothing for my appetite.

----------


## Paula

Ok. That was just an idea, not a recipe. Im sure theres lots of other nutritious things you could eat that wont take more than a few minutes to prepare. My point is still the same - you need to eat properly else you will crash, physically and mentally

----------


## Angie

There are plenty of things that you can make a quick sandwich with that is healthy, cheese salad is quick and easy for instance,  all Paula was doing was giving an example nothing more,

----------


## Pen

I know. I'm sorry I did not mean to sound so offensive. 

Hubby cooked me poached egg on toast. He brought me a sculpture he had made. He has never made me anything like that before. I was delighted.

----------

Paula (22-07-18)

----------


## Suzi

Hey I'm vegan and my daughters are veggie so I can point you in the direction of some great ideas.. What kind of things do you like and what things can you not eat and I'll try to come up with some suggestions if you fancy?

----------


## Pen

Sorry I havery not been around for a bit been busy as usual. I have been working on a few new ranges. Pocket animals, Owls and chickens. I have an order for all of the owls I have made so far. They will be off to Scotland next week along with 15 cows and 5 croft trinket dishes. The pocket animals are split into pocket pets,  pocket safari and pocket donkeys.  I need to make some pocket motors as well to appeal more to the boys.
Along side this I have  taken over running all the classes as I just can't afford to pay anyone to do them. 
The new workshop is coming along. A has insulated and boarded out the shed. We have painted it inside and out.  Put in new double walled windows and laid the vinultimate on the floor. We have also started to build the frame for the new work bench. I still need to put the legs on and paint the top. We have 5 sets of shelves arriving tomorrow for in there as well. Tonight after I water the garden is may just get to work on my cross stitch.
Oh and H has quit drinking. It's been hell for her as she went cold turkey but 6 days on A and I have our fingers crossed that the worst is over.

----------


## Paula

Thats amazing! Well done H  :):

----------


## Suzi

Well done H! That's seriously tough! 
You sound so busy as always love, when are you making time to rest?

----------


## Pen

There does not seem to be time to rest at all this week.  However I have no classes on Sunday so hope to have a break then.

----------


## Suzi

Do you need each of the classes or could you streamline it a bit to give yourself time to focus on your work and get some downtime?

----------


## Pen

Unfortunately I need all those classes.  I have started giving out letters to people explaining that I am changing how I charge. Today's group was ok about it.  Hopefully the rest will be too. Had another cow order in so made another 8 today.  I need 10 more at least for the order so I will be working tomorrow as well now.  I am also very keen to finish setting up the workshop so did manage to prime the workbench but will be gloss painting it tomorrow. I have then to attach the legs and put up 5 sets of shelves plus a 6th one under the window. I could go and finight priming that one tonight but feeling a bit tired.

----------


## Suzi

Sweetheart you need to find some time to rest... 
How are you changing your pricing?

----------


## Pen

I have told people that they have two options. They can pay the same price as now but have to pay for the whole term or they can book as and when they want to come at a higher price but have to pay in advance of the session and I can't guarantee a place for them.
Today I am going to get the dog out then make another 5 cows and load and fire the kiln. Then I will prime the shelf. After that I will go shopping  (H and A are away next week so I am cooking my own meals). After that it will probably be too hot to work on the workshop so will put my feet up for a few hours

----------


## Paula

That pricing sounds fair. Please, please put your feet up when you get the chance today

----------


## Pen

5 cows made. Dog walked and kiln fired. 
Too hot to paint so off to do the shopping. 
I should be able to rest this afternoon.

----------


## Suzi

That change in pricing is really sensible...

----------


## Paula

So, are you resting?

----------


## Pen

I have just for in and unpacked the shopping. Now resting

----------


## Suzi

Hope you're still resting!

----------


## Paula

Whats this week looking like?

----------


## Pen

> What’s this week looking like?


Busy. Yesterday finished off my workbench, cleaned the mastic off the windows, constructed 5 sets of shelves, loaded the kiln, made 3 cows, invoiced several customers.  Today packed and posted 15 cows, 5 owls and 5 trinket bowls,  ran two classes, sorted out 4 boxes of recycling,  2 wheely bins and a green wheely, unloaded a kiln, loaded a kiln, put up a shelf,  done a load of washing, made a cow.
Now so tired I can hardly stand

----------


## Paula

So. Does that mean youre going to take it a little easier tomorrow??

----------


## Pen

I might spend more time sitting down... taking Dad out, unloading and loading the kiln, clear glazing a mountain of kids work, meeting at friend for coffee, sorting out what I need to buy from my supplier, making cows, doing my washing and running a class.

----------


## Suzi

Are you getting any help with any of that?

----------


## Pen

> Are you getting any help with any of that?


Nope. H and A are in the Isle of Wight

----------


## Suzi

Then does it all really need to be done now? Can some of it not wait a bit?

----------


## Pen

No. Not really

----------


## Paula

Really? Cos looking at it from the outside, things like cleaning mastic off Windows, constructing shelves etc are exactly the sort of things you didnt need to be adding to your todo list on a week when youve no help......

----------


## Pen

Lol. Yes put like that. 
Anyway that's all done now. I was desperate to get into the new workshop as soon as possible and yesterday I was able to start making cows in there. It was lovely to be working in a space that was all mI need.

----------


## Suzi

I'm glad, but honestly love you have to learn to pace and to be kind to yourself.

----------


## Pen

I do pace  it's just my pace is a run. When there is so much that needs to be done I can't just sit around.

----------


## Suzi

I just worry that whilst you are running at full steam you aren't taking much care of you....

----------


## Pen

I think i do. I shower, I have a walk every day, I wash my clothes, I take my meds I try to eat properly (most of the time).
When I was getting benefits it was easier to be able to stop and rest, now I don't get anything (and actually had to pay back 2k) I have to work harder to pay the bills.

----------


## Paula

Keeping clean, fed and medicated is only the very basics of taking care of you. You should be giving yourself time to relax, to rest, to be with loved ones, to socialise, even, maybe, to treat yourself. Self care is not just about doing what you need to keep your body going, its also about what you need to keep your mind and soul alive itms

----------


## Suzi

No one can work 24 hours a day for 7 days a week. We aren't built that way...

----------


## Pen

I looked at my bank balance last night. Not conducive to taking it easy!

----------


## Suzi

But maybe pacing better would mean you could work more evenly, rather than a boom and bust/manic and crash way you've been recently?

----------


## Pen

But I don't know how to pace. I really don't know what that means.
To me pacing is writing a list of what has to be done and working through it and when it's finished in can sit down for a bit.
When I was a kid we were never allowed to just sit around. We were expected to have something to do all the time. My mother never never stopped doing things. Even in the evening she would spin, weave, knit, make jewellery.  
She had a saying that she drummed into me. "Don't kill time, work it to death "
I always feel guilty if I can see that there are jobs to be done but I have my feet up. As a child if I was sick my mother would make me feel guilty for being in bed by tidying up my bedroom around me whilst making grumbling noises about the mess.
Stopping and resting is something I can only do when exhaustion takes over.
Even now I am thinking I could do with running the vacuum cleaner over the floor before I go to bed.

----------


## Suzi

Pacing is about spacing out things during the day and adding in low energy tasks/spaces too... 

This might give you a better idea... http://stickmancommunications.co.uk/...oducts/PKPAC01

----------


## Pen

Thank you. I like that it makes more sense to me. I may even be tempted to buy a set of the magnets and poster!

----------


## Suzi

Glad it helps! 

The creator of Stickman - Hannah is someone who lives with chronic illness, so she gets it. She sells some brilliant items

----------


## Pen

I have bought the set and a number of her cards. They may be useful to give H and A the heads up that I need help.
I am wiped out today. Walked the dodgy and done some shopping but exhausted now.

----------


## Paula

Then I hope youve decided to rest....

----------


## Pen

I don't have any choice. My body has shut down.  I can't get warm or stand for more than 5 minutes

----------


## Paula

The idea with pacing is that you dont get to the point you are at today when your body shuts down. So, in the spirit of it, would it help if you told us here what you have to do tomorrow and we could help you with a pacing timetable?

----------


## Pen

Jobs I need to do this week
must do Monday. Load glaze kiln and fire 
Prepare studio for Tuesday's classes
before H and A come back Tuesday lunchtime
Clean the bathroom
Clean the kitchen
Vacuum the landing
Other jobs that have to be done this week
Clear glaze the small mountain of stuff from kids classes and parties
Load and fire the biscuit kiln
Glaze owls (6 of them)
Make more owls
Make sheep
Glaze chickens (7 of them)
Make 10 cows
Glaze 30 cows
Create and send newsletter
Update website
Respond to customers emails
Run 7 classes
Sort out accounts and payroll
Take Dad out Wednesday morning
I think that's all.
Monday is the only day i don't have classes so I try and squeeze as much into it as I can.

----------


## Pen

Oh I should add it takes about 15 minutes per cow, owl or chicken to glaze them

----------


## Pen

If you can help with pacing I would appreciate it

----------


## Suzi

What classes have you got and when?

----------


## Pen

Tuesday 1till 3 7 till 9
Wednesday 7 till 9
Thursday 7 till 9
Friday 4.15 to 5.15
Saturday 11 till 1 and 3 till 5

----------


## Paula

To start with, youve not put anything on that list thats gentler on you, or gives you some space to think. Then you separate the list into, things you must do, things which shouldnt be put off and things you can leave for a few days. So can you do that first?

----------


## Suzi

What about adding in what things others are doing to help too...

----------


## Pen

That list is the things I must do that should not be put off this week. With possible exception of the newsletter.
There is a second list of things that can be out off that include
Change my bed
Vacuum my floor
Sort out the stuff at the back of the studio
Clean my bedroom.
Etc.
H can help with the clear glazing and the biscuit firing. But the rest is down to me.
In the time for me section is the daily walk with Ember.
There are not enough hours in the day till Friday night to do anything else.

Oh I forgot the kids session on Thursday 2 till 4

Although I feel guilty for spending the money I am looking forward to getting that fridge magnet set so I can try out building a routine that may work.

----------


## Suzi

I think you need to find a way to cut back on at least some of the things you do....

----------


## Paula

Ok, so that list is the should do list. Perhaps you need to cut that back to the absolutely have to do list. Eg, as well as the newsletter, do you have to update the website? If it needs doing, can you not delegate?

----------


## Pen

I have no one I can delegate that kind of stuff to. Everything on that list has to be done.
Today I did get a load of cows glazed, a couple more made, loaded and fired the kiln and cleaned the bathroom, landing and my bedroom floor. I did find a bit of time to sit and see as well.
Got myself in the doldrums a bit tonight when I started to consider what a terrible mother I have been.

----------


## Paula

Why can you not delegate to H and A? How much do they do to help?

Why do you think youre a terrible mother? Tbh everything youre doing for H now is above and beyond what Id be willing to do for my kids at that stage in their lives .....

----------


## Suzi

What made you start thinking about whether you've been a terrible mother or not? 
I agree with Paula - why can't you delegate some of the stuff? TBH you're paying her and A and what are they doing to earn that money?

----------


## Pen

There are other jobs I get them to do.
I just think my illness has affected them badly. My son never calls me. He did not even thank me for his birthday present and I have driven my daughter to drink.

----------


## Pen

My pacing kit has arrived. I think i am going to have to get more magnets as I can't get everything I want to do in a day on the set.

----------


## Suzi

You haven't "driven" H to drink - that was her own choices to make. 
Your son, well that's just rude tbh. 
TBH your illness will have affected them, the same as mine and Marc's have affected our kids, but that's no excuse for rudeness or not helping or to drink excessively... 

The fact you need more magnets  should say something to you?

----------


## Pen

Apparently the reason my son did not phone me was I had forgotten to add anything to the gift card to say who it was from!!  :(rofl): 
Anyway hopefully we will all get together on Sunday.
I am getting on ok with the magnets although I am still not very good at adding rest periods!
I am feeling the effects of the long term that has stretched since the middle of June. The week after next is our shut down week when we have no classes and can catch up on firings and cleaning.

----------


## Suzi

Are you finding the magnets helpful?

----------


## Pen

Mainly although not doing well with them today.

----------


## Paula

Its a learning process and doesnt come naturally. Youll get there

----------


## Suzi

It's not going to be an instant fix all overnight....

----------


## Pen

I know

----------


## Suzi

Even the fact you are using them and acknowledging that you need to learn to pace is amazing. Oh and I've just seen your Christmas designs on FB - WOW!

----------


## CaterpillarGirl

What are the magnets? Not that I need to learn to pace, my problem is not doing enough rather than doing to much! Whatever they are I hope they are helping you even if it does take some getting used to  :):

----------


## Pen

> What are the magnets? Not that I need to learn to pace, my problem is not doing enough rather than doing to much! Whatever they are I hope they are helping you even if it does take some getting used to


They are from a company called stickman communications. Basically you have a set of fridge magnets with times in them and magnets you can write on with things you have to do which are colour coded into categories of how hard each task is for you. You then assign the tasks through the day making sure you schedule easy tasks in between more taxing ones. You can then look at the list and make sure you have a spread of tasks with time to recover after difficult ones.
I am terrible as I try to build Rome in a day but if you have the opposite problem it may help you to plan to get stuff done without getting overwhelmed.

----------


## CaterpillarGirl

They actually look really good, I've just ordered myself some! I hope they work because I have so much to do and I keep letting everything get on top of me, thanks for the recommendation  :):

----------


## Pen

> Even the fact you are using them and acknowledging that you need to learn to pace is amazing. Oh and I've just seen your Christmas designs on FB - WOW!


Thank you Suzi. I  made two more this afternoon. 
I could not get off to sleep last night so looking forward to a rest tonight.

----------


## Suzi

Stickman Communications is awesome. Her cards are brilliant as are the traffic light wristbands  :O:  
I'm so glad you're finding the magnets helpful, even though it's a work in progress - I think everyone struggles with pacing. I know I do! 

Hope you got some decent quality sleep Pen love...

----------


## Pen

I did sleep well thanks.  Very tired today though. After I got back from walking the dog and getting my meds I was quite shaky so having an afternoon of sewing and TV before I go out tonight with the kids.

----------


## Suzi

Where are you going? Somewhere nice I hope?...

----------


## Paula

How are you doing now?

----------


## Pen

We went to our favourite Japanese restaurant. It was devine. Totally stuffed now.

----------


## Suzi

OO Japanese food! Nom!

----------


## Paula

Morning, love, how are you?

----------


## Suzi

What's on today's agenda?

----------


## Pen

> What's on today's agenda?


I'm tired but there is a lot to do. So far I have loaded the kiln and turned three of H's failed pots into Christmas decorations. This afternoon I will be cosseting myself in the office to catch up on admin. Then when I have done that I need to do cow making.

----------


## Suzi

I'm loving the Christmas decorations lovely!
Any rest being built in?

----------


## Pen

I had a nap for an hour after lunch then pushed on with glazing and making cows. I think i am finally at a point where I can stop making and just get them fired and glazed. I have just sat down to dinner then I just need to clear up and lock up and I am done.

----------


## CaterpillarGirl

I had a look on your Facebook today and I absolutely love your little animals, you're so talented  :):

----------


## Paula

> I had a nap for an hour after lunch then pushed on with glazing and making cows. I think i am finally at a point where I can stop making and just get them fired and glazed. I have just sat down to dinner then I just need to clear up and lock up and I am done.


Thats an improvement in pacing  :O:

----------


## Pen

> I had a look on your Facebook today and I absolutely love your little animals, you're so talented


Thank you. How are you getting on?

----------


## Suzi

That's a MASSIVE improvement in working at pacing and actually stopping!!! You're amazing!

----------


## CaterpillarGirl

> Thank you. How are you getting on?


Not great today, glad the day is over and hoping for a better one tomorrow, you?

----------


## Pen

> Not great today, glad the day is over and hoping for a better one tomorrow, you?


Not bad. Feeling overwhelmed by everything. I have a big order to get completed and as August (the last month of the holiday season) is speeding past I am getting anxious about getting it finished.

----------


## Suzi

I'm sure it'll get done lovely..

----------


## Pen

I know but I am battling thoughts of my inadequacy tonight.

----------


## CaterpillarGirl

> Not bad. Feeling overwhelmed by everything. I have a big order to get completed and as August (the last month of the holiday season) is speeding past I am getting anxious about getting it finished.


I kind of know the feeling, I don't have loads to do just one assignment to finish but they alone is enough to overwhelm me, then I panic and the panic causes me to be unable to do the work!

----------


## Suzi

How you doing lovely?

----------


## Pen

Struggling on. Had to have a nap again this afternoon. Had a bit of a saga with my GP today. I tried to get an appointment for a physical issue and was told that the first appointment I could have was the 25th September... Now at the moment the issue is not too bad but I am pretty sure that left for nearly 5 weeks it will get worst. So in disgust I wrote a negative review of the surgery on the NHS website... Surprise surprise I now have an appointment on Thursday....

----------


## Paula

Well done you! Whatever way that works  :O:

----------


## Suzi

Well done lovely! Hope whatever it is isn't too bad.

----------


## Pen

Not sure if it's bad or not. It's a case of wait and see if things improve in the next two weeks.

----------


## Paula

Have you got a new appointment for two weeks time?

----------


## Pen

No. It's a case of if it's still a problem in 2 weeks call us.

----------


## Suzi

Have you taken whatever appointment they will give you? At least you're moving towards it....

----------


## Pen

I'll see how it goes.
Ready for the shut down week next week. I am struggling today. Very tired but trying to get the website sorted for the new term.

----------


## Suzi

Hoorah for shut down week! Are you planning on getting any rest in too? i know you're still always really busy...

----------


## Pen

Maybe a bit. 
This evening our old lady cat, Hazel passed away. Lots of Kleenex required.  She was H's special baby.

----------


## Jaquaia

So sorry for your loss Pen  :Panda:

----------


## Suzi

I'm so sorry Pen... Massive hugs to you all x

----------


## Paula

Im so sorry, sweetie  :(bear):

----------


## CaterpillarGirl

So sorry for your loss, sending hugs your way x

----------


## Pen

Thank you everyone.  H and A have just left for a few days holiday. It was booked ages ago so I insisted they went. I am home alone for a few days. Well if you don't count three cats, a dog and about 50 giant African land snails as company that is. 
I am drained.
I need to go shopping as I have no supplies but can't face leaving the house.
My son J called and suggested I do online shopping but that does not solve the problem of tonight's dinner although to be honest not sure I will want to eat anyway. My head is full of cotton wool.

----------


## Paula

Do you have a local co op or something you could grab a couple of bits from?

----------


## Pen

Yes, that's an idea I could get almost everything on my list from there and not have to trudge round a big supermarket. I will still need to go to boots though to get my tablets buto it should be a shorter trip.

----------


## Suzi

50 G A Landsnails? AWESOME! One of our old mods had one she used to feed guiness as a treat!  :):

----------


## Pen

She only has about 9 adults but snails do what snails do. ....

----------


## Suzi

OOps!  :):  

Hope you're resting this evening..

----------


## Pen

Yes I am. Been resting most of the day

----------

Suzi (27-08-18)

----------


## Paula

> Yes I am. Been resting most of the day


Good to hear! Whats plans for today?

----------


## Pen

My plans have been altered after hubby turned up this morning and took Ember and I on a four mile hike. I am all out of spoons now. 
I do need to load the kiln, change my bed, vacuum and I was going to go to car phone warehouse and upgrade my phone but I guess that can wait. Recharging with a cup of tea and malt loaf at the moment.

----------


## Suzi

I can't believe that you've said you were resting yesterday and that things can wait today! Woohoo!!! You're awesome! You're PACING! I'm so proud of you!

----------


## Pen

Lol. No I don't think I am awesome just listening to my body. Going to go and change my bed now. To me this is a challenging task. I hate changing my bed and leave it for much longer than I should. I have only changed it once since I came back from my holiday at the start of June.

----------


## Paula

Listening to your body - thats a massive step with pacing!

----------


## Pen

Changed the bed, brushed the cat, put the bedsheets on to wash and vacuumed my bedroom and the landing.  Emptied the cats try an vacuumed round it. Oh and ordered my new phone online. Problem is now I am too tired to put the vacuum away and wash the floor where the tray sat. ..

----------


## Suzi

I'm so impressed that you are listening to your body love, that really is hugely impressive..

----------


## Pen

Did some stuff this morning then actually sat and watched a film all through!

----------


## Paula

Are those magnets helping you pace?

----------


## Suzi

Blimey that's unheard of! Well done love!

----------


## Pen

> Are those magnets helping you pace?


Not sure really. Not used them for a couple of days but I am a bit more aware of saving myself a bit. 
However just been working overtime to get the cows finished. 18 went in the kiln tonight.

----------


## Suzi

They do seem to have helped you change your focus a bit on saving yourself as you say, rather than using every single second pushing yourself till breaking point.... 
Your cows are selling brilliantly!

----------


## Pen

> They do seem to have helped you change your focus a bit on saving yourself as you say, rather than using every single second pushing yourself till breaking point.... 
> Your cows are selling brilliantly!


Yes. I am aware this morning that I am very tired again.
I have to get 45 cows out this week but then I suspect it will be the last orders this year for Scotland.  However a local shop is meeting me a week Sunday to discuss selling them in town so I don't think I am finished with them yet.

----------


## Suzi

They are your biggest seller aren't they?

----------


## Pen

Yes. I have sold over 250 this year and now the Christmas season will soon be upon us.

----------


## Suzi

Wow! That's incredible!

----------


## Pen

Yes. If you had told me in January I would make that many this summer I would never have believed you. 
Very down tonight.  I am just so tired. I slept for an hour this afternoon.

----------


## Suzi

Have you been pushing yourself? Eating and drinking properly? 
Can you distract at all tonight?

----------


## Paula

Any chance you can rest tomorrow? Are you sleeping ok?

----------


## Pen

> Have you been pushing yourself? Eating and drinking properly? 
> Can you distract at all tonight?


No don't think I have been pushing myself. Packed and shipped 15 cows, took Dad out this morning and glazed a couple of cockrels apart from that not done much. Yes I have been eating and drinking. 
Tomorrow I have a haircut booked and am taking a friend to the solicitors

----------


## Suzi

You're always so kind taking others where they need to go...
When you say you didn't "do much" apart from the things you listed I think you've discounted how much doing each of those things take up spoons/energy!

----------


## Pen

Just back. Went out to the studio to start sorting out the mess that has gathered in the corners. H has sent me away saying I need to rest and I am getting under her feet!

----------


## Paula

Good on H!

----------


## Suzi

Awesome work by H!

----------


## Pen

My demons are back. Telling me that I am useless, that the world would be better without me.

----------


## Paula

Youre not useless, youre extremely talented and a successful business woman. Your daughter loves you very much

----------


## Suzi

You're really very definitely not useless at all....

----------


## Pen

I know that but it does not stop the voices that say I should clean more, tidy up keep a better house that my life is a disgrace, that i am fat slob, I am too weird to be in society, I am stupid to think I can run a business and so on

----------


## Suzi

Then, as you know, you need to drown those out with positives. And yes, I know it's not "that easy" but you know this and you know how to get through it.... Call the crisis team or samaritans if you need to, but get through this safely...

----------


## Pen

Hubby has been over and helped me wash up then have me a cuddle. I have spent the evening doing suduko puzzles and I am calmer now.

----------


## Paula

How are you feeling this morning?

----------


## Suzi

I'm so glad that you felt calmer after doing some sudoku lovely... How are you doing today?

----------


## Pen

I am feeling overwhelmed by everything this morning. At the moment I am in the office sorting out the website and customer details with the help of a very contented Mr Tiggs, who loves sitting beside the computer on the desk whilst I work. Every now and then he lays a paw on my arm to remind me I have to stoke him. (For anyone reading this and wondering who would want to sit on my desk, Mr Tiggs is a cat)

----------


## OldMike

The fact that Mr Tiggs has paws and likes sitting on desks spells out cat to me  :):  you're lucky he isn't dancing on your keyboard  :(giggle):

----------


## CaterpillarGirl

I hope you have a good day today, you are incredibly talented  :):

----------


## Suzi

Maybe take things in smaller bits? So don't try to do all the accounts, just do the stuff for last week? Maybe that might help make it easier?

----------


## Pen

I don't think of myself as talented. Everyone has a talent, some people bake amazing melt in the mouth cakes (mine are more likely to kill someone) some people have the talent for making others smile, some for being able to cope with an illness like depression and still be able to cook meals for their family. I don't consider that I am any better than other people as we all have our specialities, life would be pretty boring if we all did the same things well.

----------


## Pen

> Maybe take things in smaller bits? So don't try to do all the accounts, just do the stuff for last week? Maybe that might help make it easier?


I am trying to make sure we are ready for the new term next week. H has the studio upside down as we clean and sort, I have been working A like a slave this afternoon  to sort out clay and stuff.

----------


## Suzi

Even though you are trying to get stuff sorted, pacing is even more important. When does the new term start?

----------


## Pen

Tuesday

----------


## Suzi

Then it doesn't all need to be done today.....

----------


## Pen

True. H and I had MacDonald's on the beach tonight as her and A had a row. I plan to try and do some glazing of the huge pile of pottery that is in the workshop tomorrow but we are all going out for lunch tomorrow with my Dad as well.

----------


## Suzi

Just pace a bit too. Hope H and A make it up..

----------


## Pen

I will try and work it all out on the fridge door in the morning

----------


## Suzi

That's such a huge leap forward in pacing!  :):

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## Paula

Hope H and A are ok. How are you doing this morning?

----------


## Suzi

How are you lovely?

----------


## Pen

It's 20 past midnight and I can't sleep. Feeling overwhelmed by everything that still needs to be done before Tuesday. Worried about money again. Struggling to recruit the extra people I need for the upcoming term.

----------


## Paula

Can you prioritise the worries? Today you need to get ready for tomorrow so that takes priority today. The money worry can be put to one side for one day, and so can the recruitment. Just focus on what needs to be dealt with today

----------


## Suzi

Recruit as in students or staff?

----------


## Pen

Students.  I need more to start this week.

----------


## Suzi

How have you advertised?

----------


## Pen

Facebook and email marketing there is just not enough time to do a more complex campaign

----------


## Suzi

You can always add in a message in school newsletters or something? 

How are you today lovely?

----------


## Paula

The local shops/supermarkets maybe? Is this something H or A could do?

----------


## Pen

I need older adults they are more reliant

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## Pen

> You can always add in a message in school newsletters or something? 
> 
> How are you today lovely?


Pretty crap tonight. H has brought Hazels ashes home in a little casket. She is in bits. A has a streaming cold and starts his new job at 6 tomorrow morning. To say that my house is not a great place at the moment is an understatement

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## Pen

> The local shops/supermarkets maybe? Is this something H or A could do?


There are lots of places I am sure I could advertise BUT the classes start this week so there is no time. I have picked up a few new customers.

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## Suzi

Oh sweetheart I'm sorry about Hazels ashes - but at least she's home.. 
 :Panda:  :Panda:

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## Pen

What a week
A has just gone off for his first night shift
H has got orders for about 10 mugs
All the fees are in for the term but I am still worried about money
I had a fall in the garden today which has shaken me up
I have had two extra 2 hour private classes
I need to make 17 cows, 10 sheep plus Christmas decorations this week.

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## Paula

Did you hurt yourself? Are you ok?

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## Pen

Just bruised and shaken.

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## Suzi

Oh hunni, I'm sorry you fell.. 

Hope A's shift went well! I'm not surprised about H's cups - they're awesome! 
Are you building in resting too?

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## Pen

I won't be commenting on here today I may things that will upset people.

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## Paula

Whats up, lovely?

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## Pen

57 . Gffğjny gggybjh

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## Suzi

Pen? What's up?

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## Pen

I don't want to say
 It woulg upset people on here

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## Suzi

Your thread has all the warnings, it's your choice...  Have you called the crisis team?

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## Pen

No not called the crisis team. Took a number of tablets today hoping to lose consciousness.

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## magie06

How many is a number? Can you call a doctor or go to A & E? We can't hold your hand, we're going the wrong side of the screen, but you have people there. Tell them what you've done and ask them for help.

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## Paula

Pen, please get to a&e. Sweetheart, get help, please

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## Pen

See.bi knew I would upset people

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## Jaquaia

It's not a case of upsetting people. People care about you and are worried about you. They just want to know that you're safe.

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## Suzi

You need to get help. Call 999 and get some help. Does Han know?

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## Pen

Hanne knows, so does Hubby. I did not take a great deal and I am conscious and coherent.

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## Paula

Good. Have you used your crisis box?

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## Suzi

Have you spoken to the crisis team?

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## Paula

Hey, just checking in before I go off to bed. How are you doing?  :Panda:

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## Suzi

How are you today?

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## Pen

Rough. Just writing a brain dump of everything that's worring me so I can then allocate tasks and dates to deal with them so I don't feel so overwhelmed. However I can't take another overdose I have run out of pills.

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## Suzi

What did you take yesterday? Have you called the crisis team? Your Dr?

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## Pen

I took a mixture of lorazepam and codeine, washed down with some alcohol.
There is no need to call anyone. I don't need their help.

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## Suzi

Sweetheart you obviously do if you are taking overdoses.

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## Paula

You really, really do ......  :Panda:

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## OldMike

Pen you do need help if you're taking a mixture of meds washed down with alcohol. Can you not phone the Samaritans if you feel the urge to overdose or talk to your daughter Hanne and what about hubby?

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## Pen

I really really don't. I can give you quite a few good reasons why not.

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## Paula

What are those reasons?

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## Suzi

Why do you believe you don't need help when you are feeling this bad?

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## Pen

1. I have EID. This is just "what I do" as far as they are concerned. 
2. The doctors at my surgery do not handle on going MH cases. I would need to try and get to See the MH nurse and she probably won't be able to see me for about a week.
3. The last time I did see a doctor they threw up their hands and said "well what do you want me to do?" And the truth is there is nothing they can do.
4. If they try to refer me to the CMHT the team will just say that I have EID and i can call them if I want.
5. No one at the surgery will do anything until i have been suicidal for 2 weeks

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## Suzi

No matter what your diagnosis you are entitled to care and help when you hit crisis point. 
Call the CMHT

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## Pen

I will if I need to.

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## Suzi

But you obviously do need to if you are taking overdoses....

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## Paula

Sweetheart, youre obviously struggling. If not the crisis team, will you please call Samaritans?

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## Pen

Yes I will call the Samaritans if I need to.

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## Pen

I emailed the Samaritans last night. I feel a bit better today but trying to take it easy, however taking Dad out in a bit then going over to a friend to help her with her budgeting

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## Suzi

Glad you called them when you needed to... Glad you are feeling even a little brighter.

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## Paula

Well done for contacting them  :(bear):

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## Pen

It's been a tough day. Started with a call from carelink to say that my Dad had pressed his alarm but they could get no response from him. Rushed down to his place to find him on the floor where apparently he had been for 2 hours.  he had put his alarm on the hook on the bathroom door and so when he fell it was out of reach. Not quite sure giw ge eventually got to it. Hubby came down and between us we got him up. He is fine but i am taking him to the doctors tomorrow.  After I had taken him to Costa for breakfast he was a lot better. Then I went to arty to try and reassure her that her finances were fine by doing a budget with her. Then back home for an hour before running the evening class. H has a stinking cold and I am coming down with it. My throat has felt like sandpaper all afternoon.

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## Paula

:Panda:  hows your dad today? How are you doing?

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## Pen

Taking Dad to the doctors later to get him checked over. I am a little wobbly today. Yesterday was a bit much. However today is full on as well. As well as taking him I have to get 3 cows off to Scotland, do the banking, take a private class, make some pottery and teach a class tonight.

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## Suzi

Can any of it wait - like making the pottery as you can't change the lessons? 
Hope your Dad is OK lovely. It's such a worry when they are ill.

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## Pen

Dad is fine. His bp is really low so she has taken him off all his blood pressure meds. Go back in three weeks. 
I am having a bit of a rest before the private lesson at 1.30. Dad wanted me to change his duvet cover after we came out the docs..."just a 5 minute job" but I knew for me it would cost me far too many spoons on an otherwise packed day.

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## Suzi

Well done for knowing you needed rest more than doing a duvet! Glad he's OK.

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## Pen

Arrrggg. Even hubby can't resist saying "you know, you need to make..(insert pottery item here)"
 There is not enough hours in the day! He thinks I should make donkeys... But so often people say that phrase to me. There is only one of me and apart from trying to run a pottery everyone seems to want a bit of me at the moment.

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## CaterpillarGirl

You just do what you're comfortable with doing, don't let anyone dictate how you should live your life, it's all yours and you're doing brilliant  :):

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Suzi (14-09-18)

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## Paula

^^^wss in spades!

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## Suzi

You need apprentices!

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## Pen

> ^^^wss in spades!


What's wss mean?

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## Pen

> You need apprentices!


And pay them how lol

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## Suzi

wss = what she said

Pay them in studio time or something? 
Or interns then you don't pay them anything!

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## Pen

So tried today.
Feel I spend my life affirming to others how awesome they are. Today H is fretting that the mugs she is making are not good enough.

My son J came down yesterday and told us that he is breaking up with his long term girlfriend who he lived with. I feel guilty that I am pleased. She was lovely and he was devoted to her but in a way I feel I have my sons heart back. That's awful isn't it. I want him to be an independent man but at the same time he is still my baby boy.

Also she had really bad pet allergies and so whenever they came to visit after 5 minutes in our house her eyes were red raw. We always felt so oo bad!

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## Suzi

I've seen some of your Christmas decorations and they're beautiful! As are H's mugs!

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## OldMike

H's mugs are brilliant I'd drink my tea or coffee out of them any day or just display them on a mantle shelf.

When I was in my fifties mum always regarded me as a her baby boy because that's what mums do  :):

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## Pen

Cows, cows and more cows. Have 3 orders totalling 100 cows to be ready in stages. First 30 going in kiln tomorrow and hopefully ready to ship next Monday, next 10 need to be ready by end of October then another 60 ready for end of January... Then I need another 20 ready by mid October for me to sell myself through my website for the Christmas rush. Managed 2 out the 10 I wanted to make today before period pains got me....

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## Suzi

Did you ever think they'd be such a massive hit with everyone? I think they're amazing! Do what you need to do to take care of your pains today..

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## Pen

A Nurofen took care of the pains thankfully.  Managed 8 cows today and one sheep.
No I would never have dreamed my cows would be so sort after. 
H reminded me earlier that 4 years ago I was convinced that this would come to nothing and was talking about getting a proper job.

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## Paula

H is absolutely right. Starting up a small business is difficult and most dont make it. You, on the other hand, have too much work!

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## Pen

Along with everything else I am working on an unpaid commission for my son.

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## Suzi

What's the commission? 

H is completely right! You were so worried - I remember it! However you're now so busy you've got too much work and there are 3 of you!

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## Pen

My son has given me a piece of driftwood with his company's logo on it and asked if I can incorporate or into a piece of ceramic art. He then intends to show it to their marketing manager to see if it can be featured on their social media sites.

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## Paula

Wow! Thats amazing  :):

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## Suzi

That's awesome!

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## OldMike

That's an interesting idea, I'm sure you'll come up with something amazing.

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## Pen

Been getting stressed again. There is just so much to do and so little time. Been writing to the Samaritans most nights. Last night I was starting to feel suicidal again. It's a battle to fight my brain when it starts to tell me I'm useless and pathetic.
What i really need to do today is spend most of it away from pottery (i have a class at 4 this afternoon) and chill out, however I have 25 cows to glaze and get into the kiln today.
I am also getting frustrated with the kids again. Since A stated his new job he had abandoned doing his share of the housework and I have done the majority of the washing up and bathroom cleaning this week. At the same time H  has lost interest in making and selling her own pottery again. I find it frustrating that she starts a new project but gives up before she gives it a proper chance to come to fruition. We now have a handful of mugs kicking around gathering dust that she made to sell but have not been put into any site for sale.

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## Paula

Being the mother of adult children who are still living at home is an impossible situation. They are adults and have their own lives now but you can see every single misstep they make - and you cant do anything about it. My tongue is red raw from biting it ..... However, is it possible shes scared to try to sell them in case no ones interested which will prove shes useless?

As for A, youre probably going to have to lay down the rules again. Theyre so lucky youve let them live with you and it wouldnt hurt to remind hem of that occasionally

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## Suzi

I completely agree with Paula... Have you considered going back to the Drs as this patch seems to be prolonging a bit?

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## Pen

Thankfully I did not have to lay down the law. I came in from this afternoons class to find the two of them cleaning the house  :(rofl): .
I think what is really affecting me is my diet. I rely on H to prepare my meals during the week but this week we have eaten junk food and takeaways all week.
I am so tired tonight I accidentally fed Mr tiggs dog food. I did realise in time and was able to change it back.

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## Suzi

Oops! 
I'm sure he wouldn't have minded! 

Glad that they've been cleaning the house! What's A's new job?

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## Pen

Mr tiggs is such a big cat I am sure he would have just tucked in, it was a sample of a really good fish based one so he would not have come to any harm. 
A has got a job working nights at the Argos distribution centre. He has been there about 3 weeks now and seems to be getting on ok they have just moved him from packing cages to loading lorries so they seem to be pleased with him. Of course out means he sleeps most of the day and leaves for work at 9 at night so he sort of forgets about normal stuff like cleaning the toilet. I think H may have had words with him. He is starting to find the nights tough on his days off. His clock is off so he can't get to sleep till 4 in the morning and kicking around the house all night whilst we sleep is quite lonely.

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## Suzi

Night shifts aren't my idea of fun either... 
How's your mood now? Any brighter?

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## OldMike

I've worked nights during the week and when it comes weekend you don't know when to go to bed everything seems messed up.

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## Pen

> Night shifts aren't my idea of fun either... 
> How's your mood now? Any brighter?


I don't know really. I am still quite low but then I am very tired. Tomorrow I have a bit of shopping to do. I have no food in and I need to get my meds, after that I am going to meet a lady who is selling off her pottery stuff to see if she has anything I may want. So another busy day.

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## Paula

Try to at least pace today, lovely

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## Pen

Thanks Paula. I also need to prepare 10 kilos of clay for two private classes tomorrow. I am close to tears with exhaustion now, no idea how I will get through today. Thankfully Max is going to come with me to the ex potter so i feel less anxious about that. 
Once I have done the shopping I will have an early lunch at my favourite quiet Costa and create a mood tracker in my bullet journal. I am going to draw a wood and number each tree from 1 to 31 then assign a colour to each of my moods, then each day through October i will colour in a tree with the colour of that days mood. At the end of the month all the trees will be coloured in and I will have an illustration of my moods. I used to use moodscope a lot for this but I think a pictorial indication will work better for me.

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## Suzi

That sounds a brilliant idea!

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## OldMike

Sounds a marvelous idea Pen.

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## Pen

Went to see the ex potter. Wow what a collection! She must have about £10,000 of stuff there. Over 200 molds, worth between £20 and £100 and boxes of glazes. Max and I spent over £400 and only scratched the surface. It was a real pick me up. When I came home I was buzzing. H said she had not seen me so happy for days. H and I will be going back there on Wednesday afternoon to start sorting through it all. I am hoping that H will stop me spending a fortune.

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## Paula

Sounds amazing!

----------


## Suzi

Sounds awesome!

----------


## Pen

It was.

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## Pen

My EID has really been triggered today. One of my students made a big puffin at home. I fired it at the weekend and it exploded as she had not taken care to hollow it out properly and put in a vent for air to escape. It damaged 3 other pieces of work. In one case the lady had been working on her salt pig for three weeks. However the lady who made the puffin is not accepting that she did anything wrong.  I am getting quite upset by it all.

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## Suzi

How badly damaged are the other items? Do you regularly fire things for her if she makes them at home?

----------


## Pen

Very badly, scrap in fact. Yes we do. If people buy clay from me I include a firing charge to cover the costs.

----------


## Suzi

Oh no! Have you told her?

----------


## Pen

Yes and it's all resolved now.
It's been a bit of a milestone day today. I went to a women's business networking event this morning, by myself....
It's something that a year ago would have been impossible my anxiety would not have allowed it. It was a bit scary walking up to the group in the pub but they were very supportive and i got a good contract from a cafe owner who is looking for local artists who would like to sell work in the cafe.

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OldMike (05-10-18)

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## Suzi

That's AWESOME! Well done you!

----------


## Pen

It has taken a lot out of me though. Today I am struggling to get motivated to go out and do some work. I am finding out harder and harder to get to sleep at night and as a consequence i am waking up later and later which is leaving me tried in the mornings. Plus my mind is going at 110 miles an hour with all the things i need to do and the "i should be..." thoughts are getting out of control.

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## Suzi

:Panda:  :Panda:

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## Paula

> Yes and it's all resolved now.
> It's been a bit of a milestone day today. I went to a women's business networking event this morning, by myself....
> It's something that a year ago would have been impossible my anxiety would not have allowed it. It was a bit scary walking up to the group in the pub but they were very supportive and i got a good contract from a cafe owner who is looking for local artists who would like to sell work in the cafe.


Thats incredible! Well done  :):

----------


## Pen

Struggling tonight with dark thoughts.

----------


## Suzi

Can you use a helpline if you need it?

----------


## Paula

:Panda:  are you on your own? Can hubby stay with you?

----------


## Pen

Hubby has gone. I am going to get a cup of hot chocolate, biscuits and my meds and go to bed. Possibly with a third lorazapam

----------


## Paula

How do you feel this morning?

----------


## Pen

Really bad this morning.  Wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.

----------


## Paula

What do you have on the rest of the weekend? Can you rest? Will you see hubby?

----------


## Suzi

Do you have support around you?

----------


## Pen

Had a quiet day. Very proud of myself as I took ember for a long walk, went shopping, got my meds, had lunch at Costa, tidied my sitting room, did a load of washing and spent hours in front of the tv. 
It was H and A 's wedding anniversary today and they went to a safari park. H brought me back a cuddly aardvark which I calling Antony. Is it sad that I now have more soft toys than i had as a kid!

----------


## Suzi

You should be proud! Sounds like you did what you needed to do for you today. That's awesome. 

Love that you have an aardvark!

----------


## Pen

Woke up really early and made the mistake of checking tv schedules and discovered that the coast v country in which I feature will shown on channel 4 on Friday at 3pm...

----------


## Paula

Wow!!

----------


## Suzi

That's so cool!

----------

Arty (10-10-18)

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## Pen

Bit of a rollercoaster day today. Had someone drop by to buy some pottery they spent about £30 and ordered a cow..... What with the new customer who ordered 12 yesterday that means I need 84 to fulfil all my orders by the end of January and that does not include people who said they would like to buy one when I have some available.
This afternoon I was a little disappointed to find we did not make the final cut for coast v county. They decided to concentrate on the couples desire to find somewhere they could run a glamping site and left out Mags' desire to find somewhere she could do a creative hobby like pottery. However it is probably for the best, I don't think I could cope with much more business.
Tonight I ran the first of my one off workshops on making Christmas decorations, it went well. In the new year i might run more short workshops. Not only does it help financially it is also good advertising as people come, have a go and find out that they would like to do more. Very tired tonight it's been a full on week with 3 two hour private classes and another one at 5.30 tomorrow. However next week is shutdown week (or as H wrote out on the calender without thinking, breakdown week, she may be right) I have promised dad I will take him to slimbridge wildfire trust on Monday, I do like the reserve but it's a long drive and I have a lot to do next week. I sometimes wish that my brothers would do more.

----------


## Suzi

Wow you are so busy! Can you get more help with making the cows?

----------


## Pen

I hope to be able to get back to the cows. I think if I can make 4 a day, 5 days a week I may make enough. The shutdown week has not gone to plan, there is a lot to be done still but I consider looking after my friend to be more important. Tomorrow she is going to spend the day with another friend so I get a day off, although she is doing much better so I may get to sleep in my own bed tomorrow night.

----------


## Suzi

You're amazing. 

Maybe you could train her to make cows too? Even if she only makes 1 or 2 then it's still 1 or 2 that you don't have to make?

----------


## Pen

I am hoping she can at least assist at some point. 
She had another rough night so I am spending the night there again tonight.

----------


## Paula

:Panda:

----------

Pen (21-10-18)

----------


## Suzi

How are you lovely?
It's awesome that you are helping her out, but remember you have to take care of you too. If you don't then you won't be able to look after her...

----------


## Paula

Hi, lovely, youre an awesome friend  :Panda:

----------


## Pen

Hi bods 
Well I'm back. Arty is well on the mend now and i can again sleep in my own bed. It has taken a lot out of me and I am finding I am tired all the time at the moment. Tomorrow i have just the two regular classes then i have two days with no commitments although I want to finish a cat I am making that will have 3d zentangle on it. I am making it to raise money for our company charity.

----------

OldMike (03-11-18)

----------


## Paula

Thats wonderful news! Youre an amazing friend  :):

----------


## Suzi

It's lovely to see you and I'm really glad Arty is on the mend. Paula is right. You are an amazing friend. She's lucky to have you. 
Hope you get some rest lovely x

----------


## Pen

I wish people would stop saying in an amazing friend I'm not really.
I think I may have found someone to help with making some of the Scottish pieces. Ian is a new volunteer and he is as crazy as me plus also very talented. He is going to have a go at making red squirrels with kilts, cabers, scarves and so on. It will leave me free for sheep and cows lol.

----------


## Suzi

You may not see yourself as amazing but there aren't many people who would give up their bed to go and stay with someone to try to keep them safe.

----------


## Paula

^^^wss

----------


## Pen

Had a lovely evening out tonight with h. It was her birthday yesterday and out was my turn to spend some quality time with her. It actually was a business meeting with dinner  :(rofl):  for £20 each we had three courses and the vegetarian options meant we were spoilt for choice. We think we may do that on the first Saturday of the month here on in!
The meeting did highlight how little manufacturing time we have left of we want to sell stuff for Christmas. We actually have just three weeks duo we are going to be busy.

----------


## Paula

Happy belated birthday, H!

----------


## Suzi

Happy belated birthday H! Sounds like a lovely evening!

----------


## Pen

H pointed out art the weekend that it's not 3 weeks it's 2! Made 6 cows today which was my target. I would have carried on but I was worried about early fireworks so called it a day at around 3.30.
I went for my blood test this morning, much good it will do it I was told by the receptionist that I could not book an appointment with the diabetes nurse as she had left and they were not sure when the new one will start. Just when you think the practise can't get any worst they find a way!
Been a bit hyper today with lots of plans but will be working hard the next few weeks. Ugg... 10.50 and another firework has just gone off. Ember nd been so upset that she has just deposited her dinner on my bedroom floor!!!

----------


## Paula

Poor Ember  :(:

----------


## Suzi

The effect of fireworks on pets is horrible. We've been dosing Moiya up to help her calm down a bit. Just when we thought they were all over last night they started again - still going off past midnight.

----------


## Pen

It's been a rather stressful week here. Apart from the normal situation here of working our butts off, H has thrown A out.
She decided she had had enough of his attitude. He no longer seems to love her. Since he stated work he has become more and more lazy. He never does his share of the housework without being nagged. He spends most of his free time with his mates. He did not give H a birthday present. He does not give her housekeeping money. He expects her to pay for his car, repairs, tax etc. Despite earning much more than her and she has now realised he has been helping himself to the contents of her bank account, even on one occasion taking her full weeks wages. She paid off his debt a few months ago only to find he had racked up an even bigger one now. Finally she cracked and told him she wanted him out. He just packed up his stuff and left. He did not even try and deny the allegations that he had been taking her money, or try to fight to stay. Since he went last night she has heard nothing from him. She is now wondering if she did the right thing, but this was the fourth time she had reached this point with him and I think it is. I don't want him back under my roof. When he was sacked from his last job as money went missing he persuaded us that he was innocent but now I start to wonder. I also am wondering if the reason the pottery was struggling back in July was that he was helping himself to the cash box.

----------


## Paula

Oh Pen, Im so sorry for you both that things have turned out so horrible. It sounds like shes definitely done the right thing but its going to be tough for both of you for a little while. Were here for you (bear:

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## OldMike

All that's gone on about "A" certainly makes you wonder about him "H" paid off his debts and he ran up more debts and drained the bank account that's terrible, yes she has done the right thing.  :Panda:

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## Pen

Now she has calmed down H is losing her convictions, he is still at a friends but he wants to talk to her and sort stuff out. He says he loves her and is sorry. She is now saying there must be a rational explanation but I would certainly like to know where the money I was saving up to pay our winter has bills had gone.... I don't know how much is missing but hubby had been putting £100 a month by all year. During the winter our has bill i is about £80 a month in the summer it's been less than £10 a month. Currently in the pot we have £90 which is  hubby payment for the month minus £10. Neither H or I have taken that £10... But where is the rest? H wants things to go back to normal and I am under pressure to forgive him, but I don't know that I want to live in the same house as a man who steals my money
Am I being unreasonable?

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## Paula

No youre not. Ultimately, its down To H whether she tries to make it work but its your home and you have the right to feel safe in it

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## Suzi

I completely agree with Paula! How dare he? What an ungrateful sh*t! You've put a roof over their head's and given him work when he had none. Sweetheart you are totally right to not want him under your roof! I hope H sees him for what he is...

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## Pen

I have just checked in case I am being paranoid by looking at my pay as you go statement. There should be an additional £345 in the kitty. I am shaking. I don't think I really wanted to believe it. I look forward to his rational explanation about that.

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## Suzi

Wow, that's a huge amount to be missing...

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## OldMike

Taking that money is a betrayal of trust, so unless he has a believable explanation then he shouldn't have access to any of your accounts.

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## Pen

H has gone to meet A. She has agreed that whatever happens A cannot come back to live here. She wants him to show he will change his life not just give empty promises. She wants him to find himself somewhere to live, pay off his debts and pay her an allowance to pay off what he has taken. They met at 6 and she is still not home so fingers crossed that things are going well.

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OldMike (16-11-18)

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## Paula

Im so relieved she knows he cannot come back. Big hugs, sweetie

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## Suzi

That has to be a relief for you knowing that he isn't coming back.

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## Pen

> That has to be a relief for you knowing that he isn't coming back.


Yes it is. He came by after their meeting and got some stuff. She told him he could not stay longer than 15 minutes or I would kill him. He denys taking the winter fuel fund, the evidence is only circumstantial , but hubby said he had been surprised lately that when he had been putting money in that there was none left at the end of each month.
H is very determined that she is going to get on with her life and pottery career without him. His parting blow to her was that he did not want to get close to her anymore as she smelt of vodka all the time. The reason that this really hurt is that she has tried 3 times to get off the drink but she is very dependant and going cold turkey is painful but he has not offered any support to her just expected her to carry on running after him, cooking his meals and providing him with a home.

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## Pen

All sorts off stuff is coming out now. Back in the summer I took A and H out for a family meeting where we identified all the jobs that had to be done and which of us would take responsibility for them. Apparently after the meeting A complained to H that I was a right bitch for making them take responsibility for helping in the house. Not that  made any difference A did his chores for about 2 weeks before stopping. However it also seems that when I grumbled to H about A not doing his chores H would go and do them so I would not complain to A. I had always thought I had been very reasonable, if there was a job A should have done but didn't I always very politely asked him to do it and he always did, however apparently I was a right bitch, who slacked around the house getting him to do jobs I did not want to do.

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## Paula

Wow! What a ****er. Youve been so good to him and gave him the chance at a good life. H is well rid imo

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## Suzi

What an absolute cock! Pen you've been more than reasonable, kind, patient and lovely to him than he has ever deserved!
Has H thought about contacting your local drug and alcohol team to get some help? 

You are both well rid of him!

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## OldMike

Yes you're both well rid of him.

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## Pen

I am very tired today. The hectic week last week has taken its toll. Feeling very low. H says that A is trying hard to make it up to her, and she has started saying things like when he comes back. I don't want him back but I can hardly throw her out.

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## Suzi

But you have the right to not have him back. What about all the money he needs to pay you back?

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## Paula

Erm, you cant live with someone you cant trust. If it comes to it, you might have to say she needs to leave.......

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## Pen

I have no proof that he took it. What if I am just mistaken?

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## Paula

> All sorts off stuff is coming out now. Back in the summer I took A and H out for a family meeting where we identified all the jobs that had to be done and which of us would take responsibility for them. Apparently after the meeting A complained to H that I was a right bitch for making them take responsibility for helping in the house. Not that  made any difference A did his chores for about 2 weeks before stopping. However it also seems that when I grumbled to H about A not doing his chores H would go and do them so I would not complain to A. I had always thought I had been very reasonable, if there was a job A should have done but didn't I always very politely asked him to do it and he always did, however apparently I was a right bitch, who slacked around the house getting him to do jobs I did not want to do.


First off, he stole from Hs bank account. And he said all this about you. How can you have someone in your home that behaves like that? Even if you are wrong about your money ......

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## Suzi

I agree with Paula. 
Pen, you're normally good with figures and the amount you worry about them... I'd be very surprised if you were this wrong about how much money you are missing...... If it wasn't him and it wasn't you then that leaves H and I don't see her stealing from you when she knows the effect that worrying too much has on you.......
Sweetheart how can you have someone who thinks you are a "right bitch"  and someone who "slacks around the house"? It's YOUR home love. You have to feel safe and live with those you can trust.

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OldMike (20-11-18)

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## Pen

I know. I slept for 9 hours last night but I still am not sure how I will make it through the day dealing with two full classes. I can't face dealing with the day and making decisions about the business it's all getting to much.

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## Suzi

Then stop and breathe. Talk to H and tell her how you are feeling... 
Can you do the minimum today to allow you time to pace a bit just whilst you're dealing with this?

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## Pen

I had to tell H i would consider A moving back in after she got very distressed when I said I did not want him back under my roof. Thing is she threw him out in anger but is only just starting to realise the enormity of what she has done. She is torn between hating him and not wanting her marriage to fall apart. On the meantime I am feeling trapped by the situation. H believes that if A gets a flat that it won't be close enough to here for her to carry on working here, she is also concerned about me being here on my own. I just don't know what to do.

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## Suzi

Pen you are in a hideous position. 
 :Panda:  :Panda: 
Any chance you can give it some time for him to really prove he's sorry?

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## Strugglingmum

:Panda:  no words of wisdom but feel for you in your situation. Sounds awful. X

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## OldMike

:(bear):   :Panda:

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## Pen

Really struggling this morning. Last night my head was full of really intrusive thoughts and I just could not switch off and sleep. I am worrying about my daughter's relationship with her husband, the amount of work we have to do, the calls and emails I am not following up, the preparation we need to do for the shop we will be selling in soon, the fact we have not started sorting out our own Christmas, the mess that is our kitchen... You name it I am worried about it.

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## Suzi

Can you write a list just to get it all out of your head? Then you can prioritise. Can H help with any of it? What about Hubby?

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## Pen

No point in involving hubby. I am a bit calmer now I have been able to take my iron pills again (I ran out at the weekend) and I have a bit more energy again. H is helping as much as she can.. We are both working silly hours to get stuff together for selling for Christmas.
H and I have agreed that we will swap sitting rooms. At the moment my sitting room is part of the kitchen and dining room, which means that when anyone is using the kitchen I have no privacy, also H and A smoke so they come through the kitchen to go outside as I don't allow smoking in the house meaning I get interrupted if I am watching something on the tv, plus get a cold draft down my back as they come and go. The new arrangement will mean I have a separate room with a door that I can shut them out of. So not only will I have privacy but increased security of my stuff as well.

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## Suzi

So he's moving back in then?

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## OldMike

> So he's moving back in then?


I truly hope A isn't being let back in anytime soon.

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## Pen

No there are no plans for A to come back at the moment. I just would like a more private space to be in, plus I think it will do H good to change rooms rather than sit in that space with all his junk thinking about what could have been.

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## Suzi

Sounds sensible x

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## Pen

I'm not sure I want to go on with my life at the moment. H has now decided that A had not been stealing from us that it's just a misunderstanding. I upset her last night by telling her that Grandad never wanted to see him again as she felt it was none of anyone else's business. This morning I have a customer complaining that the two pottery robins her son made has been broken on the way home from pottery. I don't know what she expects me to do. I am missing my mum at the moment, I don't know why I think it's because it feels like she was the last person who cared and looked after me.

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## Paula

Oh hunni, what a horrible situation youre in. Im going to be blunt, sorry. First, H is being completely unfair if she expects you to have to deal with all this stress without the support of others. You shouldnt have to deal with this alone. Second, youve been supporting H and A for a long time - youve provided a roof over their heads, employed them, given them financial support and taken on a lot of care for H. Theyre adults and its about time they acted like it. And theyre repaying you like this? Im actually disgusted by what has been going on. Perhaps its time they stood on their own two feet and moved out.

Im sorry youre struggling to deal with your grief at the moment. But, much as H has hurt you, would you want her to feel the same way as you are right now, if you didnt go on with your life?

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## Suzi

I completely agree with Paula - how dare they? 
Sweetheart you do not need to have him back. How the F can she now be saying it's a "misunderstanding?" What about the money that went missing from the business/gas etc? How is that a misunderstanding?

You deserve to feel safe in your home and do you know what? You've been really kind to put a roof over their heads and employ them when they didn't have jobs. You are so kind. 

If you feel that you might hurt yourself please get some help lovely. This world would definitely be a worse place without you in it.

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## Pen

Well an update. H is going between never wanting him in her life again and missing him. However she has accepted that new will never come back to live here again. She is spending a huge amount of time working making mugs which she hopes to sell over the next few weeks. We have put some of our stock in a shop in town but so far i am the only one selling stuff. I have been making little elf families. The tallest elf is about 10cm high. The baby elf is about 4cm and comes with a dummy in its mouth. H says I am insane ( but does admit they are very cute).
This week is a week without classes so we hope to get a lot of stuff onto the internet this week.

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## Suzi

I'm glad you've decided and made it clear that he isn't going back to live with you. 

Look forward to seeing your products on the website!

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## Paula

Those elfs sound gorgeous!

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## Pen

Hopefully they will be when they are all fired. Suffering a lot from anxiety tonight. Don't know why but it had been a bad day for anxiety all day, starting with a nightmare shopping trip in Morrisons. I have tried to keep myself distracted with sewing and art related stuff but now it is getting near bedtime it is getting worst. I dare not take a lorazepam as I see the nurse at 9 tomorrow and I don't want to over sleep.

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## Suzi

How did you get on last night? Did you tell the nurse everything?

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## Paula

How are you feeling?

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## Pen

I am a bit rough this morning.  Saw the diabetes nurse just now. Everything was going well till she checked my urine sample.  A finger prick test followed and she told me my blood sugar was nearly 3 times what it should be.   Oppps.  Now was it that Costa black forest hot chocolate yesterday? Or the bag of chocolate raisins? Or the tin of peaches in syrup? Or the can of full sugar coke, Or the biscuits at bedtime? Surely not... :(think):  :(shake):

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## Suzi

Oh no! Are you just not looking after yourself properly?

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## Pen

No. I know I should be taking more care but I am just not bothered. I think that if it shortens my life then good

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## Suzi

Pen have you told the Dr or the Diabetic nurse that's how you are feeling?

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## Paula

> No. I know I should be taking more care but I am just not bothered. I think that if it shortens my life then good


Pen, Im going to be blunt (again, im sorry). Not taking care with your diabetes can ultimately lead to stroke and heart disease but way before that youd be looking at leg and foot infections (potentially leading to amputation), vision loss and kidney failure. Do you really think you want to live your life with those complications?

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## Pen

Ok. I will try harder.

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## Suzi

Have you told the Dr/nurse that you were feeling this way?

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## Pen

> Have you told the Dr/nurse that you were feeling this way?


No point.

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## Paula

There is a huge point. If youre not honest with them, they cant help you

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## Pen

It did not come up in the meeting. There was no reason to say anything about it.

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## Pen

Don't worry though. I am fine. The feelings of wanting to end it all come and go and I get through them.

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## Suzi

> No point.


There is every point. 




> It did not come up in the meeting. There was no reason to say anything about it.


Of course there is. If you are thinking that this will be a way of shortening your life, then you know that screams that you need to get some help. 




> Don't worry though. I am fine. The feelings of wanting to end it all come and go and I get through them.


I know, but if you don't look after yourself then it's going to be harder to give yourself the best chance.....

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## Pen

I will try to look after myself a bit better. I don't want any help. I know that there is nothing they can offer that I want.

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## Suzi

OK... What's happening with pacing? Are you still working on getting some time out?

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## Pen

I know I am not pacing well atm. There is a certain desperation in getting enough stuff finished and on sale to capitalise on the Christmas season.

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## Suzi

Even at the expense of your health and a risk of a crisis?

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## Pen

Yes..

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## Paula

Wrong answer, love

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## Pen

I have been trying to wear myself out to try and deal with the feelings of anxiety that have been plaguing me today. At 7 this morning I was cleaning cat pe E and worst from under the stairs so that the gas meter could be replaced at 8 o'clock. After walking the dog I setup our test kiln to do a special firing then I packed up two items I had sold and took them to the post office. I spent the afternoon glazing a sculpture I had made, then after dinner I cleaned the oven and took H to her friends. I then sorted out the recycling. I have just cleaned up the kitchen and emptied the vacuum and am contemplating vacuuming upstairs.

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## Paula

Did it help?

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## Suzi

That's a huge amount to do in one day. Is H helping at all?

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## Pen

H does her bit. My friend is coming round this morning to clean my kitchen floor. It is annoying her as to how dirty it is lol

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## Suzi

How's your pacing going today?

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## Pen

I have just had a break for some dinner now I am back out to the studio to finish glazing another sculpture and then load the kiln

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## Suzi

Sweetheart you need to pace, you know that pushing yourself like this isn't something that you (or anyone) can sustain. You need some downtime love....

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## Pen

I have just finished work. All safely stowed in the kiln. There is very little I can do now till Friday when I can unload it and take the spoils down to the shop.

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## Suzi

So a pacing day tomorrow?

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## Pen

I have a networking meeting at 10, but hope to get my feet up for a while tomorrow.

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## Paula

> I have a networking meeting at 10, but hope to get my feet up for a while tomorrow.


Good. And you know well nag you until you do  :O:

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## Suzi

Hope the meeting is easy and nice, and hope you're resting this afternoon!

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## Pen

The meeting was very productive.  Having an hour watching  tv before I go and do some work.

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## Suzi

Hope you've rested lots lovely x

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## Pen

I rested for an hour. Did some glazing. Loaded the kiln. About to do the kitchen then may do some cleaning.

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## Suzi

Leave the cleaning.... rest.

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## Pen

Just done it

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## Paula

Then rest - and that doesnt mean sitting down doing paperwork .....

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## Suzi

Hope you're planning some downtime today...

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## Pen

> Those elfs sound gorgeous!


Pictures now on Facebook

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## Pen

The season is getting to me. Had a good cry last night as I feel I am so unprepared for Christmas. Nothing bought, no cards sent, no decorations up. Hubby came over though whilst I was sobbing and came back this morning with a pack of Christmas cards and we did at least get those out. H and I will be going to buy the Christmas food in a bit (well what we can get in the freezer) and some presents have arrived from good old Amazon. I have decided though not to put anything else for sale on etsy as I just cant cope with sorting out shipping stuff as well as Christmas at the moment.

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## Suzi

I'm glad you're stopping trying to list everything too.... 
Sweetheart I had a bit of a crash down about Christmas too, but you know what I realised? It doesn't matter if we're eating beans on toast (or just toast as H doesn't like beans) the only thing that matters really is that we are together. Presents are nice, but not essential. I don't send many Christmas cards at all and would rather put that money aside to run this place for a while... Anyone who matters not only won't mind, but will understand. Anyone who doesn't isn't worth worrying about...

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Arty (11-12-18),Paula (10-12-18)

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## Pen

My friend has been bad again this week.  Spent last night on her sofa.

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## Suzi

Oh no! Send her our love too hunni please. Are you able to look after you too?

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## Paula

Oh no, bless her. Big hugs to both of you :Panda:

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## Pen

She is a lot better tonight. Started the day with her so pale a ghost would have more colour, but by tonight she looked and acted much better. She felt safe to be left tonight. I am looking after myself.

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## Suzi

Glad you're looking after you.. Hope she's feeling brighter...

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## Pen

Yes I think so. Been a busy morning taking stock to the shop. Selling a puffin back home now. Hoping for a quiet afternoon making cows before the kids class.

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## Suzi

Hope you're resting lovely

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## Paula

Have you put your feet up at all today?

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## Pen

> Have you put your feet up at all today?


No. Not had time

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## Suzi

Are you at least resting now? What about the weekend?

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## Pen

> Are you at least resting now? What about the weekend?


No. Trying to find A's spare car key.

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## Paula

How are you today, love? Whats your plans today?

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## Pen

> How are you today, love? What’s your plans today?


Walk dog (soon to become dogs) run 2 classes make cows, tidy house for home check.

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## Suzi

Dogs? You getting another one?

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## Pen

That's the plan. There is another Kelpie cross who needs a home. We will be fostering her at first and if everything settled down ok then adopting her.

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## Suzi

Are you well enough to add in another dog? I think it's great that you are thinking about it and want to help her....

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## Pen

Yes I think I am. Overall in the last 13 months I have been so much better. My downs are not as bad and I am better st managing them. I have always wanted to have more than one dog and having this younger one will mean a good companion for Ember as well as keeping me active longer.

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## Suzi

Awesome!

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## Pen

H and I have discussed it and the new dog will be here. It will give her a new focus now that A has gone with the safety net that if looking after her becomes too much that o can step in.

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## Paula

What is happening with A? Is it definitely over, then?

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## Pen

Yes. I think she has decided that they are not good for each other and they are better off without each other.

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## Suzi

I'm sorry it hasn't worked out for her, but tbh with what you've said about him she's so much better off without him!

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## Paula

How are you today?

----------


## Pen

We have been busy cleaning. We have spent more time cleaning for the home check than we did for the arrival of my son this afternoon.

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## Paula

Oh God, I remember that stress! If it goes well, when does the little one come home?

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## Pen

As soon as can be arranged. We are hoping Wednesday

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## Suzi

How are you today? Have you had your home check?

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## Pen

I'm ok but very tired. Have decided I may not go to work today. The home check went well. They are checking if the new dog is aggressive to other dogs tomorrow.

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## Paula

Did you rest?

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## Pen

Yes. Apart from three loads of washing and changing the bed I have been listening to my audio book and sewing.

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Paula (17-12-18)

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## Suzi

Good!

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## Pen

Well the new girl arrives Friday. I broke the news to hubby tonight and he is furious. He always is when I get a new pet. The trouble is that he gets too attached to my pets and can't cope when they pass on. He will get used to the situation eventually but in the meantime he sat on my sofa in stoney silence for an hour before taking himself off back home.

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## Paula

Whats her name? Have you got a pic?

----------


## Suzi

Sorry he's cross.
How are you atm?

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## Pen

Her name is Macey. I can't put up a picture on Facebook as H is fighting A over the cats and does not want him to have an excuse to take him.

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## Suzi

Surely it makes sense for H to keep the cat as they are stable at home?

----------


## Pen

It does but he wants the cat even though he has no home. He has agreed that H can keep it but she is worried that if she gives him an excuse he will take him.

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## Suzi

Sounds like he's being a real git... She's so definitely better off without him.

----------


## Paula

Maybe the cats need to be included in any separation agreement/divorce papers?

----------


## Pen

> Maybe the cats need to be included in any separation agreement/divorce papers?


Yes but H does not want to divorce at the moment.
Anyway hubby came over tonight and said now the shock had worn off he is ok about another dog.

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## Paula

> Yes but H does not want to divorce at the moment.


It might be sensible to look at a separation agreement though - just so they both know where they stand legally

----------


## Suzi

I agree, do it legally on paper.  Why doesn't she want to divorce?

----------


## Pen

She agreed that it would be a good idea and will sort something out in the new year. She is concerned that about the expense of a divorce when neither of them is looking to remarry at present.

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## Pen

Well we have a new addition to the pack. Macey joined us yesterday. Things have gone surprisingly well. Ember has accepted her and has even been playing with her. Macey (or Kya as we have renamed her) is a little bigger than Ember so we are having to watch that she does not get too pushy with her. Ember sleeps with me and Kya with H so Ember gets her own space. Kya even came to work with us today and was very good, although we waited till everyone was settled before we let her out. 
The cars have spent the last two days under my bed but as Kya is shut in H's room at night they can have the house to themselves at night. Having said that this evening they have been getting braver so things are proceeding as planned there. The studio cat Mr Tiggs has already put Kya in her place.

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## Paula

Awww do we get pics? Glad its going well so far  :): 

They wouldnt necessarily need to get a solicitor if they just want to have something in writing between the two of them - though any document like that isnt legal binding. Anyway, Citizens Advice have got details of options 

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/fa...-you-separate/

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## Pen

Thank you that is useful. 
I have lots of pics but can't remember how to share them with you without using fb

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## Suzi

Aw so glad it's all going well!!!

You'd need some kind of image hosting like photobucket to post the pictures.

----------


## Pen

Photobucket is no longer free to new sign ups and I do not have a login with my current email

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## Pen

Ok let's try this
https://photos.app.goo.gl/VFoDwrzVPh5Hmi489

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## OldMike

Beautiful pics and glad she is fitting in, any reason you've changed her name Kya as Macey seems cool?

----------


## Pen

A couple of reasons. One is that we have found with other rescues that a new name with us helps them adjust faster and Kya was a name H always wanted to use.

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## Suzi

Absolutely agree with changing the name - we've had dogs who haven't known their names at all, so change it and others who know it so we stick with it... 
Glad she's settling in, she looks beautiful!  :):

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## Paula

Shes so sweeeeeet  :):

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